#but my pain levels are... well a lot higher than i think i'm comfortable admitting to myself at this point in time

[dredshirtroberts]

brain scrambling for something i'm putting off/procrastinating on to be anxious about but i've finally caught up so i'm sitting here going "Oh god i really need to get [file not found] done" but since there's no task found for me to accomplish i just end up vibrating in place trying to figure out what i want to do.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

4 weeks old!

well, i ended up waiting a week from the last post. baby girl was born at 39+4. 7 hour labor, 7 minutes of pushing. "powerful" is the midwife's word. it was all in all a terrific experience, healing, empowering, bonding. i am beyond grateful. no tears. even so, i have had to take resting seriously - any kind of mild walking in the first couple weeks was NOT welcome by my uterus. i am definitely turning a corner, feeling much more intact, and really looking forward to increasing movement in the next couple of weeks.

so much to write. i'll begin right here in this moment - monday early afternoon, just finished folding laundry while re-watching pachinko season 1 (after re-reading the book after watching season 2), i'm still so immersed in this world for some reason... i think it is a story of women (among many other things obviously), and the suffering of women, and that is what is really resonating with me. i have two daughters now. meimei is lying on the floor on her quilt made by aunty S, just rousing from milk-induced slumber, she is impossibly cute and delightful, i really wasn't prepared to fall so hard in love with another baby. man, the hormones are such a trip. i am tearing up now just thinking about how much i love her.

anyway, the birth has been written about in great detail elsewhere... she was born 6lb 13oz, much smaller than i'd expected, with a thick crop of almost-curly black hair. she has been fairly easygoing so far, with some windows of fussiness, but rather than crying at length she makes these punctuated exclamations, "AYE!" "EIH!" " AEIY!" which are endearing and heartbreaking. she's pretty sleepy, much sleepier than i remember phillipa being. first week was a bit mad, tested coombs positive putting her at higher risk for jaundice, her numbers were borderline enough for her to keep needing heel pricks & blood tests for bili, but in the end she didn't need phototherapy. i now know this is quite common (esp for asian babies) but it just felt like such an ordeal i think because we didn't give birth at the hospital and so even getting the blood test was difficult / full of friction & we didn't know really whom to call or where to go or how it would be, plus phototherapy would mean getting admitted inpatient. we paged the midwife line one night bc she wasn't pooping and we really needed her to poop...julie was so kind and helpful and we ended up giving 2oz of formula that night (my milk was still coming in, i think this was day 2 or 3), which instantly caused her to do several poops. i think this was instrumental in her being able to clear her bili.

she was a good eater from day 1 though latching was not easy, i'm grateful to nurse kelly who came on day 2 and helped me latch. pain has been within the threshold of normal for the most part. she has a tongue tie but still good suction and great tongue movement, so it isn't really bothering us. she's so sleepy though and usually can't make it to the second boob. we definitely do a lot of snacking throughout the day, eating from one boob, snoozing, trying the other 45-60 mins later, et cetera ad infinitum, although this is getting better with persistence and encouragement, i don't believe in waking her up TOO much (unless it's critical for her growth) and if she wants to snack during the day i'm ok with that. next level will be learning how to nurse in the carrier. maybe should've gotten a ring sling. i am enjoying breastfeeding for the most part, and i am much more comfortable + confident breastfeeding in front of my family / other people / in public than the first time around; i should probably use more pillows to save my neck. my supply seems to be about the same as it was with phillipa, aka just about enough. i haven't been freezing any milk but we haven't needed to supplement. i'm on top of my game this time re: avoiding plugged ducts and such. anyway we are nursing so frequently it isn't really a problem.. but last week i went to pick phillipa from school alone and we hung out at a cafe for a bit. my boobs were SO unhappy. it's like they knew i was away from my baby. i was randomly letting down in the cafe and just in pain/discomfort, even though it was only about 1.5-2hours. other thing i've learned - bras matter. the target bras i wore last time are TOO TIGHT and give me extra discomfort. anyway, we nurse around the clock except for 2 3-oz bottles, one before her bedtime and one for the first wakeup (~930pm and 1am but still varies so much), and i pump 1 or 2 times during that window. it's working for us! i like our system of dr browns glass bottles and the tommee tippee super low tech bottle warmer.

sleep. focusing a lot more on OUR sleep instead of hers this time, takes the pressure off trying to 'improve' her sleep. she did her first 5 hour stretch this past weekend though which is incredible. still at the point where i couldn't necessarily sleep through all or even most of it because i was woken by my boobs, but we'll get there. i am feeling pretty good actually. she sleeps in her love to dream swaddle and can nap lying down at least once a day (first nap), sometimes around lunchtime too. otherwise we hold her or wear her.

phillipa. was having a really really difficult time the first 3 weeks, screaming a lot...had to lean in and just accept and ride it out, try to show her a lot of love and patience but also be firm that this is the way her world is going to be from now on.

to be continued.. need to eat while she's still sleeping

[corysmiles]

IT'S HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRREEE!! The longest oneshot so far! XD Hope you like it

cw: general themes of hunger, blood, semi graphic description of violence. Be warned!

-----

Phil decided to visit early today, entering the cave and waving at Techno, who immediately recognized him. He moved closer and, while still hesitant, grabbed him and moved him at eye level. It was nice. A bit unnerving, but nice. Phil laughed and hugged two of techno’s fingers before he put him on the counter.

They spent most of the evening sharing stories and getting more comfortable with touch. They even made some progress, techno’s hand not shaking as much when he wrapped his fingers around Phil!

It would be an hour still before Wilbur and Tommy came. So Techno figured it was time to shrink to human size if he wanted to spend some time with them after dinner as a giant. He went and reached the shelf with the bottle. Phil simply whistled and looked around. He stopped and turned when he didn’t hear any drinking sound. Techno was frozen and he looked horrified.

“Are you alright, mate?”

“It’s empty.” Techno said.

“Oh. Well, looks like today is a stay-giant kind of day-”

“No.” Techno put the thing back. “How could I have missed it?? It’s not supposed to happen…” He swallowed and looked back at Phil, worry clear as day in his eyes.

They stared at each other, Phil trying to read the unspoken words of his friends, but nothing came. “What is it? You often stay at your real size during dinners, what’s up?”

“... I haven’t hunted in days.” He admitted after a couple more seconds of silence. “I don’t have any food for tonight.”

“Oh shoot.” Phil took a couple steps towards techno, reaching the end of the furniture. “That’s no good.”

“We’ll have to cancel the grouped dinner tonight.” The giant looked at his small friend. “I’m sorry, but I have to- I know we all usually look up to these gathering but I can’t- I”

“Hey, it’s okay, no need to panic, mate.” Phil tried to reassure. He only gained a loud whine from techno, that he could feel in his bones. (quite literally, the vibration almost made him shake.) “I’ll tell Wilbur and Tommy.”

Techno stared, unsure, before sighing and letting his arm fall. “Alright, go tell them.”

Phil pulled up his phone, sending a message to both his friends. As he pressed sent, he looked back at techno. He did say he used the potion for food, primarily, but surely he dealt with it before.

“Do you want to go now, or…?”

Techno shook his head. “No. Not right now. Plus you’re still here-”

“Oh that’s no problem” Phil waved off. “I can come hunt with you.”

At that, Techno made a…. cringed, sound? Embarrassed perhaps, Phil couldn’t quite name it, but he was definitely uncomfortable with the idea.

“I don’t… it’s quite… You don’t want to see it.” he put his hand on his face, covering his expression.

"It's alright, mate. You know I'm okay with you being a tall boy." He laughed

"No- I mean… I mean it, Phil. It's gross."

"Well then I'll stay here until you come back."

Techno lowered his hands to look at the human, almost annoyed. He groaned and hid his face once more before the sound became much louder, Phil stumbling a little. "There's no way you're giving up on this, is there?"

"Nope!" Phil said, jumping down and being caught by the giant in a panicked movement "Please learn to warn me when you do that, my heart can't take it" he laughed.

"Wilbur told me to do it like this. Says it's more fun."

"Of course he did."

They stayed in the abode a bit longer, watching the sun setting through the window. Techno at one point decided to try and play his violin again, trying to improve to play with Wilbur one day. And even though it was…. Improvable, to say the least, it wasn't terrible either.

Phil clapped at the end of each song, earning a small laugh from the giant every time. He even tried to dance to one. Fortunately, they were the only ones to witness the carnage that was Phil's stumbly move tied to Techno's cacophony. It ended in unstoppable laughter that shook Phil's entire body.

Phil paced around the table he was now on as the laughs died down. He toyed with what he assumed was a home-made pen, turning it around and moving it like it was a spear. He stopped dead in his tracks, shaken by a loud growl that resonated through the entire room.

He turned around and watched his friend put his hands on his stomach, face red, violin now on the floor.

Phil put on an amused smile. "I think now's a good time to go hunt."

"I-" Techno did not have time to object before another grumble was heard. He shut his eyes and opened them, surrender in his expression."Yeah. It- might be good."

He stood up and offered a hand to Phil. "The hunting area is quite far, though. You might wanna take the ride for this one."

The blond gladly hopped on the hand and Techno brought him next to his chest, fingers curling protectively around his friend who watched the road through the space between the fingers. And so he began to walk.

It was the first actual time he traveled with a giant like that. It was nice. And he was glad he took the offer when he realized how far from the abode it was.

The walk ended up being quite long, Techno's stomach growling a lot during it, seeming almost painful at times by the way his face twisted. And everytime, it felt like the giant wanted to just run away and hide from view.

"You don't have to be embarrassed because you're hungry, you know?"

"I- no, but it's- it's so loud and" another rumble cut him off "it's… a hungry giant is not a good sight. It's scary."

"I don't know about that." Phil replied "you're just Techno, who happens to need food. I don't see any problem with that." Techno snorted half in disbelief, at the naivety of his peer.

"You know my soft side too well. I should start to act scary around you more." Phil bursted out laughing at that.

"Yeah, I know you too well. You wouldn't hurt a fly even if you tried."

Techno hummed

"Except if one of us was in danger. I feel like that's the one scenario where you would go apeshit."

"Yeah. Yeah, probably."

The rest of the ride ended up in comfortable silence (apart from Techno's hunger manifesting in numerous loud gurgles). Techno took a breath of fresh air and looked at his friend. He finally lowered his hand and Phil hopped out, on the grass. He took the view around him. "So this is your hunting spot."

Techno nodded. "I'll need around 15-20 adult preys. Don't really care if it's a deer or a wolf or whatever. Once you're done, meet me here."

Phil nodded and took out his bow "alright. Be careful!" He waved goodbye and only heard his laugh as he dived deeper into the forest.

---

The hunt ended up being nearly two hours long. Phil was surprised by the amount of animals here. It made sense, though, since it was so far away from everything, and the only known hunter of the area only stepped by occasionally.

As he brought back the last body near the pile, he noted that it seemed quite little for his friend still. He frowned. Was his friend trying once again to limit himself, so that he doesn't scare Phil?

He visualised his friend, standing up, and then looked back at the pile.

Of course he was.

He groaned and pulled his hair "oh my god- I TOLD HIM IT WAS FINE- JESUS! What kind of tool do I need to use to hammer the idea down his head right?!?" He sighed. It's not like Techno had a small appetite. Everytime they gathered around, he was the one with the fullest plate. But he always was so much shiftier when at his real size. Even though Phil couldn't blame him, it pissed him off.

And so the hunt ended up being longer than anticipated. But he ended up gathering a pile he judged big enough for his friend. And so he headed back.

As he approached the meeting place, he called out "Techno? You ther-"

He stopped. Dead in his tracks. And watched his friend, sitting on the ground, rigid as a statue, hands placed on the ground, holding something he realized were different cows and sheeps and deer.

"What is he doing?" He murmured to himself, not taking a step closer. There was a few more minutes of silence, during which more creatures climbed on his hand, before the large body shifted.

Phil flinched at the sudden movement. The hand raised higher and higher, too quick to let the animals jump down before his mouth opened, jaw wide, and-

Crack.

In a single motion, all the bodies in his hands were chopped down, their other halves between the giant's teeth.

Phil's body was frozen, and he witnessed wide eyes, as Techno dived in and took the rest of his meal sitting in his hand. It was… animalistic, to say the least. After scratching for every little crumb, he lowered his hands, allowing his bloody jaw to be visible.

It was understandable he didn't want his friends to witness that, he realized.

But Phil blinked out of his trance and stepped in like nothing happened.

"Hey, mate." Techno flinched and snapped his head toward the human, who laughed. "Sorry, should've warned."

"It's... it's alright, Phil." Techno said, licking the blood off his face, trying to hide the previous instance. "Uhm, have you been here for a while?"

"Nah" Phil lied "I just came back."

"Good! Good." He stood up slowly "Can you bring me to the ones you hunted down?"

Phil nodded and turned back, getting to said spot. It was almost comical to see Techno taking a small step everytime Phil made ten long ones, but they arrived quickly.

Techno sat down and his eyes widened when he looked at the pile.

"... that's more than 20." He pointed out. The pile was 3 times Phil's size. There were at least double the amount.

“Yeah.” Phil admitted. “You seemed rather hungry so I thought you might have needed more.”

“I mean, you were not the only one hunting,” Techno laughed. “But I appreciate the sentiment.”

Phil smiled, but it died down a little when Techno shifted, apprehensive. He turned to the blond, a nervous look on his face.

“Mh… Can you- perhaps…. uh… Turn around, maybe?”

Phil gave him a sympathetic smile, before closing his eyes and turning around, sitting legs crossed.

He could only hear the giant, but by the sounds of it, the poor boy was actually famished. He stuffed as much food as he could and chewed fast, and the heavy swallowing sounds made him twitch. Bones were crushed and flesh was torn apart like his life depended on it. Maybe it was morbid curiosity. He did see what it was like earlier after all, but he couldn’t help the silent temptation to turn around and look at the giant in such an intricate, taboo moment.

But Techno trusted him to not do it. Trusted him in this vulnerable moment. One he felt shameful and embarrassed about, and only time could ease this silent pain inside the giant. So, with quite the self control, he kept his eyes shut.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when the frantic sounds came to a stop. He furrowed his brows. Still nothing.

Suddenly, he felt a pressure on his head, ruffling his hair. A surprised sound escaped his lips and he laughed as he tentatively opened an eye.

“You good, mate?”

“Yeah” Techno said. “It’s good now.”

Phil turned around and took a small step back when he realized the giant was closer than he thought, hands making a barrier around him, which would be cute if it wasn’t for the crimson red tainting them up until above his wrists. And his face was also covered with blood. He had an almost panicked look as he moved his hands closer. He was panting.

“Hey.” Techno said and gulped, his hands even shaking slightly. Phil could read his thoughts clear as day.

‘Is he scared?’ ‘My hands are so bloody’ ‘Is he gonna run away?’ ‘I probably look like a mess-’ ‘He asked for it, but is he still okay with it?’

‘Is he still okay with me acting like myself?’

Techno was scared. So scared that showing more of him would push him away… But Phil knew better.

And so, to this new side techno showed him, Phil said.

“Hello, mate.”

----

They ended up going back not too long after that, Phil sitting on Techno’s shoulder to avoid the disturbing smell his hands bore. On the way back, Techno let it slip that he hadn’t eaten at all the whole day, hence his need to hunt. Phil scolded him for a good part of the ride about that. But eventually, it ended with smiles and laughs (and a promise to be more careful about techno’s diet. “Well, it’s been in shambles for quite a while” “You are not helping your case here, mate.”)

They entered techno’s abode and next thing Phil knew, he was grabbed gently and placed on the counter. He blinked and saw his friend grabbing a towel and a water bucket.

He chuckled, watching his friends wash away the blood he almost forgot about.

Once clean, techno sighed and turned to Phil. “I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.”

He laughed. “I mean, it’s the middle of the night. Kind of late for me to go back. Mind if I sleep here for the night?”

They stared at each other for a while before techno hummed and opened his palm in front of Phil, who hopped into it easily.

He was grabbed and held onto a bit of a squeeze, not sure why until he felt techno falling straight on his bed, not controlling the arm holding phil that much. He screamed at the sudden sensation of falling, but noticed he was fine once the movement stopped. He sighed. “You could warn me about that next time.”

a rumbly “mmhhsorry” was the only answer he got. He laughed as he watched the exhaustion hit his friend. The grip lessened and, slowly, he allowed himself to relax, the heartbeat and deep breathing of the giant soothing him into a good night of sleep.

No, techno was not always soft. Technoblade was not a man of manners. Technoblade could be harsh. He could be intimidating, violent and raw…

Technoblade was kind as much as he could be cruel. Philza was aware of that reality more than anyone else.

And he would not have it any other way.

You’ve done it again, please send love to @melissa-s23 for this awesome fic 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Cant wait for more of the potion au :]

[bookwyrminspiration]

Keeper crews favorite Girl Scout cookie

Nonsie I'm going to be blunt here I know almost nothing about Girl Scout cookies so I am. I am going to be trying my best but also please lower your expectations because I am practically fumbling in the dark on this topic!! Thank you internet for telling me what Girl Scout cookies exist

Sophie: Samoas! The caramel and coconut and the messy flakes might remind her of home. It's (as far as I know) a pretty popular flavor, and Sophie is no exception!

Fitz: Thin mints!! He said in...Flashback? Nightfall? that Chocolate-mint ripplefluffs were his favorite, so I think a minty chocolate cookie is perfect for him. I think he'd be hooked from the first one

Keefe: Girl Scout S'mores! What's more human than a smore in cookie form? Elves don't have smores (as far as I know), so I think even if he didn't like the flavor he'd appreciate how human it is

Biana: Lemon-Ups! The lemon flavor isn't what she likes about them, but rather the messages on them. She thinks it's super cool that the cookies come with "inspiring messages" and so taste is secondary to that cool factor for her

Dex: Thank U Berry Munch! it's listed as being a less liked flavor, and it's the only one that uses pieces of real fruit. So because of it's unique status, either Dex naturally loves it or he refuses to admit he doesn't and forces himself to like them for the aesthetic

Marella: Iced Berry Piñatas! These may be discontinued, but if Marella had the chance to try them I think she'd like them. She was shown enjoying strawberry flavored air in book one, so a strawberry jelly cookie with loads of icing seems like it would appeal to her!

Linh: Savannah Smiles! They're a fun shape and have interesting textures. They're a light cookie with a refreshing flavor, all of which seems up her alley.

Tam: Toffee-Tastics! I'm not sure what it is about Tam, but he seems like a toffee kind of person. He wouldn't like the things that taste like sugar (things like icing), and would instead prefer the other forms like toffee, making this one great for him!

Stina: Caramel Chocolate Chip! Chocolate chips are a classic, and adding caramel on top takes them to a whole other level! They're classic and well-known, but these are elevated and Not Like Other Cookies, which I think fits Stina's attitude

Maruca: Tagalongs! She feels like she'd appreciate the nuttier flavor, so maybe she'd like the Do-i-dos as well. She's had a lot of exposure to higher elven life, being friends with the Vackers, and she may have gotten sick of all the sugar. So something more toned-down would be appealing

Wylie: Adventurefuls! these cookies seem like they have a lot going on, like brownie inspried? caramel crème? the stripey pattern? they seem fun and a little overwhelming, and I think he might enjoy the light-heartedness of it. his life is so serious and has been so painful, that I think the absurdity of the cookie could be comforting

It's very curious to try and figure out what would appeal to each character, even if some of my reasoning is a little thin. And if some of the cookies aren't currently listed for sale and have been discontinued. But! very fun ask so thank you for the prompt!

[espejonight28738]

15×09 "The Trap" Meta

Warning: As always, Destiel and Saileen positive so don't like don't read.

OMG guys I can't even this episode was something else. Like, for real.

First of all, it looks like I was right about Eileen being part of Chuck's plan.

"I helping to Sam the Bunker. To Sam. To Romance." Thanks Chuck for proving me right, but if you could please not hurt my baby Eileen and Sam while you do it would be awesome ;-;

Now if only I could be in the right about the happy ending...

But whatever. Let's talk about the prayer first, because I could talk about it for hours. Everything was so wonderful.

First, when Dean looks he only have 29 minutes left to find Cas, you could see all the trauma resourfaced. You could see how he was imagining ending up without Cas again. Having to go back home (although he didn't seem to be going to the portal when right before he found Cas, but I have no certainty about it) and leave Cas behind, and he imagined himself reliving the guilt and the hallucinations and the hopelessness.

[Gif by the amazing @agusvedder because I want you to look at him and tell me that ain't the look of a man who just imagined losing the love of his life again]

And, above all, Dean imagined having to live through it all knowing he never fixed their relationship. Rowena's words about not waiting until it was too late must have been ringing in his ears. And he knows that he needs Cas to know.

Purgatory's pureness gave him a new understanding of his emotions, and I'm not talking about the anger (it's obvious Dean already knew he had that problem), but the need for Cas.

"Cas, buddy, I need you." That same need, mixed with the possibility of losing Cas yet once again was enough for Dean to just break down in the middle of a land of abominations.

And the first thing he says. "I should've stopped you." Can you see how he is telling us we were right all along? Cas said "I left but you didn't stop me." And now Dean knows he could have.

If he had tried to talk, if he had asked Cas to stay, maybe he wouldn't have left. Dean put himself through that depression (the even heavier drinking, comfort food, the coldness) .

[And as an author note. How was that real? "You didn't stop me/I should've stop you" The Brontë sisters WISH they could write that levels of angsty romance.]

And, having Dean finally admitting to his very real anger issues gives me very high hopes for everything else. It's not like his problem will disappear, it does was kinda beaten into him, but having him admitting it is recognizing it as a standing problem between Dean and a Happy Future, so we can assume that will be another one of the problem they'll tackle in the rest of the season.

(Or maybe they'll forget about it. But s15 has been so good until now that I'm hoping they won't ignore it.)

And Dean calling Cas his best friends. Holy mother of God. I know I made several jokes about it, but it truly is so significant. Because words like "Family" and "Brother (and sister for Charlie)" are ones Dean had given other people. But Best Friend is only for Cas, it puts him in a special place in Dean's live no one else shares.

Maybe it's not exactly the place we want him to be in (yet), but the fact alone that they recognize once again how Dean and Cas' relationship is different to the one they have with anyone else.

So when did found Cas and said "Okay, Cas, I need to say something", I agree we wasn't about to repeat his prayer.

The Prayer (the fact that Dean got on his damn knees, for god's sake) was a moment of absolute vulnerability and emotion. Dean grew up in with a "no emotions" mentality tought to him by John, and so we seldom see him show this kind of raw vulnerability by choice. Considering that the Winchesters (as always, I include Jack and Cas in there) are an experts in 'I screw up and you got angry but then we had a bigger problem so we kinda left it behind us bc we are family and I love you anyway, or we just move on without never really discussing it' but not in actually apologizing, I would go as far as to say this was probably the most heartfelt apologize we've seen in the series.

I've watched the scene like a million times, and he just carries an attitude of doing something big. Like a big reveal, not like repiting himself.

Because he knew Cas heard him. The reason he said "I hope you can here me, that wherever you are, it's not too late" it's 'cause he was afraid Cas had died. That is was really too late. Once he saw Cas was alive? I don't think Dean doubted for a second Cas had heard him. He was hoing to say something else.

Cas clearly didn't want to take the risk of Dean telling him what he truly wanted to hear- what he had wanted for years. The risk of his deal with the Empty hovering behind hime. He couldn't be so selfish as allowing himself to hear it, just to abandon Dean right after.

Then Cas interrupted him.

Or abandoning Sam when he was at God's mercy, or leaving the World SavingTM to them. He couldn't. Dean doesn't even now about the deal.

I cannot tell you how much I loved it. Not in a "I want this to happen" way, of course not, but in what it means.

That's why Dabb said this episode wasn't the resolution. There's still much unsaid between them, if you believe there is an 'I love you' somewhere there. I think that's what has my hopes the highest. Because if they are only bff, then why didn't this solve everything? What is left hanging? I don't want to clown but it's literally the only thing that makes sense in my opinion.

And now, let's talk about the future Sam saw.

Sam and Dean don't need only each other to be happy, they need other people. That's basically what that future said.

"What's happened to you Dean? Ever since..."

"Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we ever cared about?"

[There is like a 2 second pause here that I feel very important andd significant. The separation between what 'everyone' and 'Cas']

"Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to bury him in Ma'lak box? Ever since then? Yeah." [Jfc you can hear it pains him to say Cas' name]

"Bobby had a death wish and you know it. And Jody? Ever since what happened to Donna and the girls, she does too.

And after Eileen? So do you."

He's acknowledging everyone's breaking point. Jody's was Donna and the girls (we don't know exactly which one was the last straw, as we know that at least in Claire's case they died at different times). Sam's was Eileen. His was Cas.

And he is very clear in that. We can't know what happened first, but we know that Sam asks what happened to *him* and he says it was Cas going crazy. It was having to bury Cas alive what made him lose all hope. Because at least he can hope they ones dead can find pace, but Cas? Dean, and for how he said it he probably did it alone, had to bury Cas knowing he was going to be there for the rest of the time. Suffering alone. Dean knows how it's like to have the Mark.

That broke Dean. And having Sam wasn't enough to put him back together.

And after Eileen somehow died again, Sam just stop caring about living, he just care about taking down as many monsters as he can before he dies. 'Death wish' Dean called it. He would know about that, he is Dean "You wanna die" Winchester, after all.

Having Dean wasn't enough for Sam to want to keep on living.

"We lost, brother. We lost. I'm done."

They still have each other? Yes. Is that remotely enough? No. That's what the future told us. They need more than each other, they need other people.

But there was a little something else that made it even more beautiful.

"The Dean who raised me [...]"

Let's be clear about something, I think the show never gives enough recognition for having raised same pretty much by himself since he was 4 years. The situation was totally unfair to Dean and yet he never once took it out on Sam, he just look out for him, cooked for him, and make sure he could be as much of a child as the situation allowed, that is a lot more than Dean ever could. In his own words, he wasn't just a brother, he was also a father and a mother.

I just want to cry for thinking how hard that was for both brother. And Sam knows it, even if he doesn't always acknowledges. So the fact that he chose the words "the Dean that raised me" when "the Dean that I know", for example, would have conveyed the sentiment as well, is significant.

They wanted to remember how important they are for each other, how much they love each other. They don't dismiss that, they are making sure we remember that, at the same time they are telling us the alone aren't enough for a happy ending.

They are telling us what we need for a True Happy Ending.

Dean and Sam still being close brothers and loving each other, but allowing themselves to love and need other people.

Okay I'll go to the point.

A HAPPY ENDING IS SAM AND THEN HAVING OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR LIVES WITHOUT LOSING EACH OTHER.

A HAPPY ENDING IS THE END OF THE TOXIC CODEPENDENCY AND THE START OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT INCLUDES THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

You guys now I've been saying they are hinting at it since my meta of "The Rupture" but this ain't foreshadowing THEY ARE SCREAMING IT. Like I can't come up with a radically different interpretation.

So this episode only got my hopes for endgame Saileen and Destiel (the destiel maybe not at canon as the saileen, but heavily hinted at least) even higher. Specially for the parallel with Eileen having Dean's doubts ("I don't know what's real") and Sam making kinda answering the same ("We are"/"I know that was real"). Btw I'll be screaming because of that for the rest of my days.

[BONUS: Random questions I can't seem to answer.

Does the angels even know God's going bersek? I mean, Belphegor didn't know it was God the one who broke hell... but even Lilith's been brought back. Do they know Micheal's back? God I don't know.

Was that really a possible future? Or it does was like a Zacharaiah tactic? Why does Chuck's abscence makes monster go crazy? Wasn't the point that it didn't unblanaced the powers?

Story-wise, why ain't Cas in next episode?

Was that the last mention of Claire? An off-screen hypotetical death? Please someome let me see my girl again.]

Tagging: @metafest @verobatto-angelxhunter @agusvedder @legendary-destiel @that-one-fandom-chick @studio-hatter

[missmentelle]

I'm curious about your thoughts on clinical psychology PhD programs - is it worth the time and the money, as compared to getting an LCSW? Who do you think is best cut-out for a PhD program in clinical psych, can someone struggling with mental illness succesfully complete a PhD program - and should they? Thank you!

It really depends on what you feel is “worth it”. If you want to get out of student debt quickly and start saving up for a house/car/kids/etc, LCSW or MSW is definitely a better option than a PhD in clinical psychology. For an LCSW, you need to do an undergrad degree and then a 2-year master’s program - you’ll be done in 6 years and you’ll come out making around $50-60k starting (it really depends on where you live). Your salary will probably cap out at around $75k, which is a decent wage for a mental health profession, and if you do your degrees cheaply at public universities, you should be able to dig yourself out of debt pretty comfortably. A PhD in clinical psychology takes 4-7 years (most take around 5), but a lot of people take a master’s degree or spend some time getting work experience between their Bachelor’s and PhD. PhDs are usually funded - instead of paying tuition, you’ll get paid to go to school, usually in the form of a small stipend and a paid TA position. The stipend is not a lot of money. At the end, you’ll come out making around 70k, capping out at around $110k per year. Clinical Psychologists definitely make more money than Licensed Clinical Social Workers, but not by a whole lot, and compared to other professions that require 9 years of schooling, clinical psychologists are underpaid. The biggest advantage to clinical psychology (and the reason that I went this route instead of LCSW or another mental health path) is that you have more flexibility with what you can do. Having a PhD in clinical psychology allows you to teach at universities, write textbooks, do research or get involved in policy and administration work - these aren’t really things you can do as a LCSW. And that’s fine; lots of people just want to see patients and have no interest in conducting research. I personally specialize in forensic psychology, with the goal of working in the legal system someday; that’s only available as an option if I have a PhD. It all depends on what you want for your career and where your interests lie. I’m not that there’s one definitive answer for who makes a good clinical psychologist and whether a person struggling with mental health issues can complete a PhD - I can only speak to my own personal experiences. I will say, though, that a big factor in whether or not you can pursue clinical psychology is your grades. It would be wonderful if clinical psychology programs admitted people based on passion and empathy, but they don’t. This is a competitive field, and grades do matter. Most programs will not accept your application if your undergraduate GPA is below 3.3, and you generally don’t have a serious chance of admission unless your GPA is around 3.6 or higher. Admissions committees can cut you a bit of slack if you had a bad semester or two due to mental illness, but there’s only so much they can overlook. Most PhD programs in Clinical Psych also do not allow you to enroll on a part-time basis - it’s up to you to decide if you can manage full-time graduate-level classes, research and carrying a clinical caseload. Some people with mental illness can manage it brilliantly. Others can’t. I think what makes a good clinician is having a genuine desire to help and understand, as well as a firm sense of where your boundaries lie and how to enforce them. You need to be able to genuinely listen to someone and try to put yourself in their shoes, without becoming consumed by their pain. You need to see someone as human and not as a collection of symptoms, and then you need to be able to go home at the end of the day and not think about them until you arrive back at the office the next morning. These aren’t skills you need to have mastered when you start - these are things that you’ll learn from your classes, experience and from your mentors along the way. Hope this helped!