#but my health threw me a curveball

[dustofthedailylife]

Hmmmm...

Drunken Confessions or Masquerade Ball shenanigans with the Genshin dudes for Halloween?

Debating which one would be cooler... also debating who to include.

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

Extremely long vent under the cut

I am so fucking over everything. I feel like I just doubled back to my starting line. I feel like I played the game and failed fucking spectacularly. Like. Worst you could possibly do. The fact I'm back to being with my mom and being single makes me feel like an eighteen year old kid again. I feel like a loser and I genuinely want to die. I don't think texting the crisis text line two days in a row is a good sign. My entire life has fucking gone to shit and I'm genuinely so fucking over it.

All I've ever wanted out of life was to tell my silly lil stories and marry a woman who loves me as much as I love her but you can't have shit in this economy. This is genuinely fucking insane. I cannot BELIEVE what has happened to me. I genuinely never in a million years thought my life would ever look like this. Life threw me a curveball and knocked my teeth clean out. It's so fucked. I think I might actually kill myself, I'm genuinely so fucking over this. I tried to be strong and be resilient and all I'm alive for is to see my life fall completely the fuck apart. I want out. I'm done. I've never been a strong fighter or whatever the fuck. I cry at images of trees that have light shining in between the branches.

I'm not a soldier and never have been but I've been fighting anyway and I'm *tired*. I don't want to fight anymore. And for fucking what?? Some stupid dream of grandeur? A woman that will never come into my life? I've always loved people more than they loved me. I'm not going to find princess charming or whatever the fuck. It's not happening. Something is fucked within me. I'm too sensitive or too idealistic or fucking SOMETHING because holy fucking shit. I am so fucking done. For fucking real. I want out. I want to be gone. I wish guns weren't so expensive and people knew what happened after death because holy SHIT, I am so fucking over it. I cannot live like this. It's fucking over for me. I actually thing 23 is a perfect age to know if you want to kill yourself. I wanted to at eighteen but didn't, but Holy fucking crap I think I knew better then. I didn't do it because I wanted to see what would happen and fucking LOOK. This is what I stayed alive for?? Fucking THIS ????

And I can't fucking believe that when I asked my (now ex) gf of five years if she wanted to marry me, she fucking said "I THINK SO" girl, are you fucking fr right now. Five fucking years. I need you to be locked and fucking loaded. But whatever. I realized I wouldn't want to be with someone who placed me so low on the priority list. But whatever. Whatever. I feel like God stripped me of all my fucking stats. I'm gonna kill myself for real. I can't take this shit, y'all, I fucking can't. I can't believe I'm back in my hometown and I have to constantly watch my back because god fucking FORBID I run into anyone from high school and they see me and what I've become. I will actually kill myself on the spot, I can't handle that. And Jesus fucking CHRIST, I cannot fucking believe I'm living back with my mom. I fucking hate that woman and could go the rest of my life without ever talking to her again. Jesus fucking christ. And having to live with her stupid boyfriend. Fuck him. No he didn't do anything to me but I had a dad and don't need to be out here saying "my mom's boyfriend" how fucking cringe are you kidding me. I played the game and I failed SPECTACULARLY.

Holy fucking fuck, bro. I can't believe this shit. Seriously. Fucking seriously. You gotta be kidding. Youth really is wasted on the young because what do you mean I'll be 25 in 2 years and barely started anything. How incredibly fucking pathetic. Holy fuck. There are sixteen year old kids on Broadway and shit and I'm what? Struggling to get a degree because my dad died in my second year and it wrecked my progress?? It wrecked me so bad that my mom had me move back in for health reasons?? Are you fucking serious??? This is what my fucking life is right now? I can't fucking believe it. I'm gonna be policed constantly. I just know it. And I'll never feel comfortable in this house. And they didn't even bother to clean even though they fucking said they would. God, Jesus fucking christ y'all, I have zero hope. Optimist? Hopeful? Nope. Not me. Not any fucking more. This is it. I want to kill myself and I might actually do it because holy fucking shit WOW. This is insane. I did not stay alive at eighteen for this ridiculous shit. Unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. I have no hope anymore. I'm done. I'm so fucking done.

I fucking tried. Extremely hard. It wasn't good enough and I'm finished fr. I can't keep taking shit like this. I wasn't built for it fr. 5 years (18 to 23) feels like a long enough waiting period. I'm done.

[wyn-n-tonic]

Not to get too sappy on main but for all the curveballs that life threw at me in the last year, 2023 was a really good one for me in so many aspects.

On New Year's Day last year, I probably should've been in the hospital. The only reason my doctor did not 302 me was because I didn't have anybody to watch my dog so he just called me every day and if I didn't pick up the phone, he was going to send the police to my home.

I am so grateful to everybody on here who helped me during that time last year to keep my medications while I was unemployed. I hate asking for help, I was raised being told that it was rude to do so, so I have a bit of guilt about it and I will never be able to fully say how appreciative I am. So many people on Tumblr helped me stay in a headspace where I was able to make decisions for myself and obviously, as an adult who lives a thousand miles away from family, that was very important to me.

It allowed me to stay in my home, take care of myself, and work on the next chapter of my life without feeling like a deer in a bear trap.

In the six months that I was unemployed last year, I wrote 300,000 words and so many of you have laid your eyes on so many of them, I am in awe every time I think about it. And every time I talk about it. And every time somebody else talks about it to me.

So, 2023 great things:

After six months of unemployment and thinking about my next move and trying to move away from the mental health field, I was recruited by an organization that works closely with mental health but ultimately is not mental health. I really didn't think that I would like it but now the only thing I can imagine doing that isn't this is if I were a full time writer.

I went to the Eras Tour with @amneris21 in my home state. It was incredible to meet her, I'm so grateful that she included me in her ticketing group, it was the kindest thing. I regret that we didn't take more pictures but singing Fearless in the pouring rain was an honor and I wouldn't have wanted to do it that with anybody else.

Literally a week before our concert, she texted me and said that somebody in the ticketing group dropped out and asked if I had anybody I wanted to invite along. I called my sister (found family) eighty times before she picked up and I screamed so loud that I'm pretty sure I didn't need the phone to be heard all the way in Chicago and I am so amazed and thankful that I had the opportunity to bring her along and that I was in a place where I could make that her birthday present as well.

At my Eras Tour date, I told nobody what I wanted my surprise song to be because I did not want to jinx it. After months of thinking I wouldn't be able to go, I was able to go and one of our surprise songs was my favorite song and then she announced Speak Now (Taylor's Version) and then I cried so hard I gave myself a nosebleed.

boygenius altered my brain chemistry.

I got to travel to Arizona to see @marvelousmermaid for her birthday and I would do it again and I regret that I couldn't stay longer.

I got to see my dad!

I wrote a book.

Great things upcoming in 2024:

My book comes out this year!

(If I can ever feel good enough about a draft.)

(And a name.)

(You'll be able to buy it wherever books are sold.)

(Name and cover coming soon.)

(You can follow @wynharper for sporadic updates because I forget it exists.)

[the-fairy-dogmother]

Decisions, decisions.

Breeding decisions are hard enough as it is. I don't think a lot of people realize just how much can go into matchmaking a pair that will align with your program goals. To be mindful of health, temperament, structure, and timing. I've never really had to dance with that last one. The timing has always just, worked. With Aura we didn't have any major long-term goals, so timing wasn't an issue. For Mirage, her timing aligned nicely for her first litter, and then her Addison's diagnosis cancelled her second for us. And then there's Poki. My goal was to breed her twice this year, back to back, so that next year we could focus on her agility career while she is still young and in her prime with the goal of making it to an invitational, regional, or national event. My little AuDHD brain had it all planned out.

We attempted her first breeding in February via AI, but it unfortunately didn't take. She really threw us for a curveball and while I knew that there was no guarantee AI would take I didn't see a timeline in which it didn't. This brought on a fair amount of grief that caught me off guard. Grieving puppies that should have been, grieving timelines and plans all so carefully laid out. And all the while I am faced with decisions. Decisions, decisions. The reproductive veterinarian recommends a natural for her next breeding, fine. Makes sense. I am planning to use the stud I was going to use for her second breeding anyway. One of Mirage's sons, Chaos. Their temperaments are a perfect match and their structures compliment each other beautifully. We still need to check their eCOI through Embark and he needs to complete his health testing, but that's all routine.

But then begs the question: what about after that? Do I push our 2025 agility goals back a year for the sake of raising a second litter and re-debut in 2026? Do I dual sire her next litter and only breed her the once? Do we take a year or two off from breeding to focus on agility and then have her second litter after? I don't know what the right answer is here. I really want those Sheltie genetics in my program but do I want them so badly that I'll push back our big goals and dreams another year? Is it selfish of me to not want to, even though I know I should?

I realize in the grand scheme of things and problems we could be having that this seems so trivial, but sometimes this is the stuff that keeps me up at night.

Maybe I was hoping that by releasing it into the universe I would have some major epiphany and the answer would just come to me. Nothing yet.

[asterin-kelles]

After much deliberation, I’ve decided that I am going to pull out of @hpknotfest…

As much as I wanted to participate, life threw me too many curveballs as of late. My mental health is spiraling towards the toilet. Work is overwhelming. So I’m going to take a break.

A mini hiatus.

A deep rot, if you will.

Perhaps next year.

PS; I am going to release the story for it. It’s too cute, but I sort of veered off from the original prompt. Coming soon… ish. Maybe. We’ll see.

[life-with-my-three]

A few weeks back we went to change Harriet’s feeding tube button. It’s a six monthly task, and simple enough. You deflate the balloon holding it in, take it out, put the new one in, and inflate the balloon.

In true Harriet style she threw in some big curveballs for the “simple” task. We got the old one out, but could not get the new one to go in through her abdomen. With the stoma (artificial opening) it starts closing really quickly if you can’t get it in. Quick dash to local emergency who put a temporary stent in to allow us to drive to Melbourne. Kids hospital were able to get a new tube in but it was a different type and not really ideal for an active 3yo. It took laughing gas and 4 adults holding her down screaming though.

Emails sent come the working week, as of course this happened on a weekend. Her gastro department, made an appointment for last Wednesday to change back to her normal tube. We weren’t told if they wanted her fasted, so we played it safe and fasted her. Left home at 6am to get to her 9am appt on time. When we were 45 minutes over her appointment time we asked at reception if she was able to eat as she kept saying she was hungry. They went and “checked” said she was fine to eat. She had literally 3 bites before we were taken through. Doctor saw her with food and said they would have to cancel the change as she had to have fasted. Glad we drove 2.5hours for that. They managed to fit her in for the afternoon, but it meant being fasted and she had, had 3 bites of food since the night before.

The procedure was 5 adults restraining Hatt. Her screaming and hyperventilating and trying to get the laughing gas off. I feel like the worst mum having to do this. I’m traumatised buy watching her experience this. She’s 3. It must be so much worse for her.

They got the tube in though. She could eat. We drove home. All was good.

Thursday was our “rest day”. We had more appts at the kids hospital scheduled for Friday. I went to the bathroom at 8am Thursday and heard Aaron yell out. The balloon that held the tube in had burst and tube came out. Lucy had immunisation and health nurse at home. So Aaron stayed home with her, I put Hatt in the car and we drove straight to the kids hospital.

They put laughing gas on her and another procedure of multiple adults holding her down whilst she screamed. This time they could not get the tube in. They tried for 30minutes. They maxed out on all the sedation they could give her in a ward environment for the procedure. She therefore had to go into theatre.

What was supposed to be a 5-10 minute procedure in theatre wasn’t. Half an hour in I got a call from the surgeon telling me it was much, much more complicated than thought. They were wanting my consent to do scopes and a few other things. What was said to be a short procedure and then home, made the surgeons book a ward bed. Harriet was in theatre for 2 hours. They managed to get a much smaller sized tube in, but it’s still in. She is also going to need another surgery in the coming months to resite her whole PEG site.

Hatt won’t let anywhere near her stomach. Which is fair. It was traumatising. So very traumatising. It’s making self care tasks like dressing, toileting, PEG needs so fucking hard though.

I feel like the worst mum ever. The first words she said to me after this whole saga though were “I love you so much mummy” as she threw her arms around me. She has said that same sentence so, so many times spontaneously over the weekend also. Trying to remember them.

[inkykeiji]

it’s kind of astonishing, how much my life mirrors my own work sometimes

✰ (kinda) spoilers for tag ur it part two under the cut! ✰

obviously there are bits and pieces of me, of my life, my family, my lover, my experiences, my flaws and my strengths all within each and every piece of my work; i write from experience, i write to process things, i write to explore traumas and fictionalize them—to meld fact with fiction and dramatize them and twist them into something new, something creative, something beautiful.

none of this is necessarily news to anyone who has been around me/my writing for a while, and i think many know how important, special and personal tag you’re it as an entire series is to me. but oh my gosh, guys, the way my life has literally taken on this story within the past couple of days is crazy and incredible.

i have been taken away from my drug addicted family members by my boyfriend and his beautiful family, and am now living with them for the time being. my father called me yesterday to tell me that he loves me. in all my 20-something years on this earth, i cannot remember one single time my father has said the words ‘i love you’ to me, especially on his own accord with no prompting at all.

it really threw me for a loop. i wasn’t expecting him to call, nor was i expecting him to be so nice about it. i expected him to be angry that i had finally left—my father is very sick and slowly dying, and for the past two years i have stayed with him and taken care of him as his already poor health has steadily declined, and i was sure he’d be furious with me for giving up that position and finally, finally doing what is best for me.

but he wasn’t. he was happy, he said he thinks this whole situation (aka me staying with my boyfriend) is good for me, and then he chatted with me about house of the dragon (lol) before throwing me that i love you curveball. i had already been feeling guilty about leaving, fretting over how he’d get around on his own, who will feed him throughout the day, what he’ll do if he falls, etc. and that phone call made me feel even more remorseful and, honestly, just really sad, i guess. sad that this is the reality.

i was laying in bed just mulling over it last night and i was like damn, i think some of the lessons poison!reader needs to learn are lessons that i need to learn, too. i’ve already taken so much of myself, who i am at my core, and put it in her—already exploring a lot of those guilts the family members of addicts seem to have irregardless of whether they leave the addict or not, guilts i had already been experiencing for many years (false feelings of accountability, the urge to do something, to find a way to fix it all)—but i just find it ironically funny, how similar our situations have truly become (in one aspect; obviously my boyfriend is not abusive or manipulative in any way (while dabi is)—i am in a much safer and much healthier position than my reader is) just within these past few days.

anyway, thank you SO much to everyone who has already provided me with such lovely feedback on part two!!!!! i’m ecstatic that you’re all enjoying it and i’m going to begin responding to asks within the next day or so <333 hugs and kissies to you all!! ♡(˃͈ દ ˂͈ ༶ )

[kittymsmithwritesstuff]

how much would it cost to pay you to finish serendipity?

Bout tree fiddy.

Kidding.

But if you're serious I just don't have the time right now. I'd have to re-read 80k+ words and dig into files from 2.5 years ago to find the notes and wips that I had, and I was kind of writing myself into a corner at the time. I'd probably be able to find my way out of that corner now, but it would take dedication and time that just isn't available to me at the current moment. The pacing of that fanfic was pretty slow, and changing the pacing too drastically for the sake of finishing it would be a disservice, so that adds to the time it would take to finish.

Though I do still get quite a lot of asks about it so I will state that I am very sorry I haven't finished it, and that I hope people who are still reading it enjoy what is there. Serendipity was my first major project after the onset of some chronic health bullshit and will always hold a special place in my heart, but life threw a major curveball and I just couldn't finish it at the time, and in the meantime have found some other things I enjoy writing about that don't have quite as many memories associated with it.

[alexstorm]

My FOMO is really non-existent. So I don’t care if they do something or not. There is constantly something in life we miss out on. Getting your knickers in a twist over it is a waste of time. Enjoy the moments you do have. // honestly I was devastated at first because I was so fucking close to seeing my favourite band for the first time after being a fan for over a decade and then life threw me this totally unexpected curveball and it wasn’t happening anymore. I’ve never really had major FOMO about not seeing them before because it was always out of the realms of possibly for me due to personal reasons but it’s the fact I was within a week of actually seeing them that I know I’ll be inevitably upset if I miss out on something big and it was something to actually look forward to during an incredibly rough period for my mental health. I think any normal person would be somewhat envious and upset by that but congrats to you for not the FOMO type 👏

Well, I mean I’ve been missing out on their tours since the first album. If I had gotten upset about it every time I wouldn’t have gotten anything done. But I get what you mean. It would’ve been a distraction.

[dzpenumbra]

2/23/23

To quote me 30 seconds ago, "oh fuck, I knew I was forgetting something..."

Hi. I got some shit done today. Not a ton, but for me, a decent amount. It's a tough part of battling a lot of mental health shit at once - PTSD, social anxiety, depression, maybe other shit too, who knows anymore - is like... a successful day for me, a day of huge accomplishment, especially at a time of grief, looks like a normal day in the lives of many others. I wish I didn't compare so much. I would be much happier if I just used my own life as a metric, not the loud college kids who just galumphed down the hallway at 2:15 in the morning, or the kid at the grocery store who just tossed shit in his cart carelessly that made a sound so loud I could hear it through my very loud headphones.

Today, I did yoga. It was like 15 minutes, but again focused on neck and back. Talked to my mom briefly and coordinated car stuff, which worked very well and was very respectful on all sides. I did dishes. I quickly showered, did food inventory and then headed out to the grocery store. I was feeling a bit... hesitant to even get out the door. Like there was a 1 foot tall wall of fire on the other side I would have to hop over to head out. So... like... not that bad. No specific thoughts about why I didn't want to go, just a reflex, a vague instinct. Then I headed out and did groceries.

I actually did this thing I used to do back in my old hometown where I had the entire layout of the grocery store basically committed to memory, so I would actually like... speedrun route my grocery list... Yeah, for real. I gamified my grocery runs. And it worked really well. And I just... threw shit in order from right to left so I could do the run smoothly, because I had my therapy appointment today too and I didn't want to be late.

Everything went according to plan... until I was thrown a curveball in the dairy aisle. And it shook me. I smelled tooth rot. Decay. Maybe not tooth, maybe the rot of a piece of meat stuck in someone's tooth that didn't get flossed or brushed out? And it was powerful. And my anxious brain, my protective brain, immediately did what it has been doing since I was a teen, probably even preteen, maybe even my entire life. It said "that's you". And I started like... swirling saliva around in my mouth to bring scents out, i tried breathing into my hand. But it didn't like... consume me, overwhelm me... which was good. It was still powerful and it stuck with me. And I looked around and saw a person... I hate to say this but... kinda androgynous? And kinda didn't really seem to have a lot of teeth? And kinda didn't look like they had a lot of money? And I didn't like being judgmental about it, but they fit the trope, to the point where I didn't really know why they were in the grocery store. I still don't feel... good about that. It feels... unfairly presumptive. There were other people milling around, but I kinda just... assumed it was either them or me.

I moved on. I, ironically, looked for ice cream. Yep. Don't worry, definitely gonna brush my teeth tonight. OH. Yeah, I should mention. I had periods of horrible dental hygiene in my life, and I never really ever at any point in my life had... proper teaching? Or proper habit development? Neither of my brothers either. So... I brush my teeth once a day, and there were a few years in there where it wasn't even every day. And I smoked for 18 years. Never really flossed or did mouthwash. And no one ever talked to me about it, not even the rare girlfriends. And I only recently got these floss with handle things, which make flossing much easier and more convenient. But the habit is still not really there, my gums bleed like crazy every time and sometimes the floss gets stuck and it feels like I'm going to pull out my crowns, which is really scary feeling. But that's kinda... how I know what that smell is. Because I've smelled it before. Just... not that powerful, even with the floss right under my nose.

I went on my final pass of the store, went "oh, I should check for ramen bowls, just for like... emergency 'meals'". And there was that androgynous person looking at the ramen. And I just... pretended to look at Chef Boyardee and shit until they left. And then grabbed my ramen and left.

Then I did a lap over by the flower shop section to look for succulents, it's kinda part of my closing routine there now. They never seem to have them... And when I finally got in line, guess who? The androgynous person again, right there in line in front of me at the self-checkouts. I smiled at them and just brought my attention back to my music. Headphones make the shopping experience so much easier for me. I can be in my own little world. Until some Boomer comes up and asks the one person with headphones in (me) whether they're last in line. Luckily, I can read lips decently, I nodded and smiled, he moved behind me. He said "I guess I am now", and chuckled. And I was like "bro, I have headphones in," but not really, just in my head, but I was just not really in the mood for conversation at the checkout line for some reason, just wasn't really feeling it. And... then it happened. I smelled it again, the tooth smell. It came from behind me. It was him the whole time. He must've passed me in the dairy aisle.

And the whole time, I either thought it was me and my horrible self-care, or I was judging this other person. And I noticed that judgment and I corrected myself, that was like... the intention of my smiling. It was like... "hey man, people judge you too, be kind, you don't know someone else's story." And it was a genuine smile, saying "hi human, hope your shopping experience wasn't as awkward as mine." And the whole time, it was the dude behind me. And I just immediately connected the dots and went "I need to fall into my music right now, because I am not going to be the person to break the news to this dude that he's got pretty big-time halitosis going on right now." Though, at its core, that would be a very kind and compassionate thing to do, very thoughtful, and if someone did it for me, it would make me super self-conscious but I would be deeply grateful. But my abuse victim self came out there. And he said "bro, if you 'criticize'... if you 'complain'... that's a crime to some people. That's an attack. Doing that is dangerous."

My inner voices are getting a lot of quotes tonight, damn!

So yeah, as much as the self conscious experience of that smell (which is clearly a big source of anxiety/self-conscious triggering for me, smell) was really shitty and difficult... it wasn't the worst part. It had me on edge, but I recovered shockingly quickly. What sent me into oh-fuck-mode? Friendly confrontation. Being the bearer of bad news. Being thoughtful about something that might get me... attacked. Being the messenger that gets kicked down the fuckin well in the movie 300. That image is pretty spot-on. To bring something that is known to set off peoples' defense systems to their attention, and then have all of their defense guns that are supposed to be pointed at the focal point of their self-consciousness... the threat itself... instead they point at me. The person who took a huge risk in order to help them. And I get turned to swiss fuckin cheese, without even a warning shot.

THAT is my family. My mom. My older brother. My younger brother. And, most of all, my dad. Though, to be fair. My dad, when he gets set off, just does childish low blows to try to hurt you more emotionally, and then just unceremoniously leaves. My younger brother learned this from him, unfortunately. My mom does this too sometimes, but it's rare, she is more... angry. And I relate to her, I'm more like her, which is why I devoted so much of my life to anger management, from a very very young age. Like starting at 13ish. It was a very wise investment. My older brother, I can't really tell, it seems like he avoids conflict at all costs and internalizes, which is not healthy at all of course, but... clearly healthier given the context... But yeah, my family is like a minefield. And I guess I used to be that too. And I think in some ways I still am? I really do think that, and I want to be fair to them and honest with myself, so I can really identify those moments and work on that. But like... that's definitely trauma. All of it, for all of us. Being completely on edge at all times and then someone drops a pin and the whole room is jump-scared. I just think I'm the only one in the family who has deliberately worked on this, intentionally, for what it is, and has worked on it for... going on half a decade now. And I think it shows. If only they could see the value in that, in what I have learned, I might even be able to help teach them. <shrug> I guess we all do our own work, yeah? And the best you can do is be there when/if they ever decide they're ready to try.

So yeah... the self conscious social anxiety insecurity? The "omg my breath, people are going to judge me" shit. That used to be fear #1. That was the source of my first phase of agoraphobia, my freshman year of college when I just locked myself in my dorm room and didn't come out. I was afraid something was wrong with my body and I smelled and people weren't telling me and laughing at me behind my back. I wish I talked to a counselor about it, honestly, but... I didn't trust anyone back then. Rightfully so, I was surrounded by really manipulative, impulsive, self-centered people all the time, who was there to trust? And holy shit have I come a long way in the... oh god... almost 20 years since then... ouch. Time flies, huh. That fear, which would have sent me into like... tunnel-vision, walls closing in, high-contrast vision, low-pass filter, "I need to get the fuck out of here now" weed-freakout level panic attacks... until way into my 20's... that shit was like... a 20 second "oh I should check my breath... naw, I don't think it's me... hmm..." Talk about progress, holy shit.

But the big bad wolf absolutely bared his teeth. And showed me where my fear truly lies. How my fear has evolved. Because judgement is scary, yes. It hurts, it's unfair. It feels bad. It feels like... you don't have control. Like someone else is deciding your story or something, right? "Ew, he has bad teeth, he must take really shitty care of himself, he must be a complete asshole." Or something, i don't know, anxiety doesn't often... explain itself so literally... it likes to kinda let your imagination fill in the worst case scenarios vaguely and just pat you on the back and assure you that something worse will happen. But this... this fear that my fear has evolved into... it goes beyond judgment. And I've talked about this before pretty recently, I think, I'll retell the story again for anyone who doesn't feel like digging back through chapters and chapters of my life. And for myself, because I think this was one of the biggest revelations I had in therapy, and my therapist at the time... just kinda missed it entirely and I don't think he even really understood what I was saying...

I was hiking at a spot that I used to go to in high school, it's a hike up the side of a mountain and there's a really tall thin waterfall at the top of it. It gets pretty steep at parts. I had my dog with me, leash tied to my belt as usual. It was early spring, this area was all mud and rocks and occasional snow patches. We made it pretty high up, but we weren't going to make the waterfall. We were crossing a flooded part of the trail, I can see it so vividly in my mind's eye, like the weird brown-maroon color of the mud on the rocks under the freezing cold water. My pup plodding ahead through the water like it's nothing, drinking as she goes. And I remember being in the lead, telling him that I was not so much afraid of the judgment. I was afraid of what people do with it. The things people do when they act on judgement. Oh for fuck's sake, does judgement have an "e" after the "g" or not?! Come on, spellcheck, what the fuck. Is that an Anglicism thing? Whatever, I'm doing it with an "e" now.

I remember struggling to find the word for it. I remember asking him and trying to brainstorm, and I stumbled on... "Justice". What people perceive as justice. Like "I'm going to give this person what they deserve". So... more like vigilantism, or something. I still don't have the right term, I guess retribution? I don't know. When people make snap judgements, then get outraged, then take action. That. Retaliation? Punishment? I guess? Punishment seems most... accurate, I guess.

And... and this sticks with me... my therapist just... didn't get it at all. It did not click with him. I feel like he kinda... dismissed it? Pushed it away, maybe? And maybe I just hit a personal experience reflex defense from him? Maybe I hit him too close to home and he wasn't really there yet and he just.. deflected. I don't really have another good reason. I've had it happen in the past, I know it's a thing. Like... in an ideal world... it shouldn't happen in a professional setting, but... we're all humans. I get it. But that moment is so fucking visceral for me. And I didn't need his validation or discussion really, the connection was already made. That was very clearly my Achilles' Heel, and has been for a long time. Being brought to "justice" for something I didn't do. Being falsely incriminated, due to... superficial judgement. Because I'm different, because I'm weird, because I'm sensitive, because I'm creative, because I'm poor, because I'm rich, because I'm white, because I'm male, because I'm healthy, because I'm sick, because I'm traumatized, because I'm not traumatized enough, because I don't accomplish enough, because I picked the "wrong career", because I'm privileged. Any reason, really.

It's not the witch hunt that scares me, it's what they do to the witches. Otherwise, I'd fucking tattoo witch on my own goddamn forehead, flanked by dual middle fingers.

I haven't shared this. Let me share this. I was gonna say my first tattoo... but that's not true. My second tattoo. My first tattoo was just some... design I came up with that's my initials in the shape of a human figure, that has a yin-yang for a head and the arms turn into Libra scales, and the bottom turns into roots (it was supposed to be veins fading into my arm, but the artist was shit and I was very young and trusting). My second tattoo... that was a three-session piece that I ended up designing the second and third stages of. The first stage was, interestingly enough, done in Salem, Massachusetts. I got a crow. The rest of the design that I drew myself was two other crows perched on nearby branches, one all flesh, one all bone. These tattoos were done by the artist that was supposed to apprentice me and didn't. She didn't do the best job. But they're sentimental, not art gallery pieces, so who fucking cares. Here's the story.

I was in a freakout in college, that first semester. I don't even remember the context. I just remember being super panicked and going for a walk at dawn to clear my head. My college was on the top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere, so I was walking down a dirt road away from campus by myself at the ass-crack of dawn. And I remember this vivid feeling that I was trying to translate into words in my head. It was so garbled and overwhelming. It felt like what I imagine channeling spirits that spoke another language would feel like. And I came to this finality of... the best I could translate this like profound feeling was... "if they find out what you are, they're gonna lock you up". Whoever "they" is, whatever "what" is. And again, this whole message/thought/insight was much more... conceptual, much more thought-imagery based. So "lock you up" was like... an analog of "do something bad to you" or "stop you" or, I guess, "punish you". And it brought back this feeling of like... going to the Holocaust Museum... the feeling of like... echoes of persecution. And a deep, deep self-protective fear. Like that kind of fear. Like being actively hunted, and having to hide. And it's so odd to me even now, because at that time? At that time... I don't even know what about me I was hiding. And honestly... I still don't!

Maybe that was the culminating point where my subconscious mind couldn't take the thousands of suppressed "maybe they're laughing at me?" "naw, no way." And that confidence started to fade, and I started to question it, and go... "maybe they actually were?" Maybe it was growing more paranoid, maybe it was growing more perspective. I still can't really piece it together exactly, but it was absolutely a first time thing for me and it was... dreamlike. And I remember that I was very, very sober. And the sun was like a reddish orange coming up through the trees, lighting up the cold green-blue dawn sky. And three crows flew overhead in a triangle formation. And I looked up. And I came back to Now. --- I just accidentally hit ctrl+n instead of shift+n... and finished writing "Now" and autocorrect filled in "Owls". That's pretty cool. Right when I'm talking about crows. Because owls and I have a similar but very different kind of relationship. I have a lot of bird connections, damn.... hawks, crows, owls... --- But yeah, seeing the crows and hearing them just like... brought me back to the present moment. And it was really beautiful out, and peaceful, and I remember it being a nice, peaceful moment, and I think I remember smiling. And it stuck with me. It felt important. And I think I understand much more about that importance now than before.

It's not just about this message that I was obsessed with for like... 18 years. This "If they find out what you are, they're gonna lock you up" thing. This like... Anne Frank kinda feeling. That's important. And it's something pivotal to a lot of my life that is really tough for me to articulate to others, and clearly still lingers today. But what I just noticed about it was... how nature just pulled me right out of it. How in the stillness of nature, I was just part of the environment. I belonged there. I belonged in that scene. The sun greets me. The crows say hi. I stop and greet them back. And drink it all in. And it just... is. And it's beautiful. And moments like that, where everything just... is. And it's all how it's supposed to be. They're very sacred. So, maybe I should really remember that half of that experience as well, really celebrate that. Not just the insight, which was life-changing. But also the dichotomy between this chaotic, layered, billions of moving puzzle pieces, 3D chess game of the human world, and the honest, simple, organic existence of the natural world. And to remember that I can return to that stillness, that just... being. Any time I need to. It's always there. The peace, the beauty. And I find it much more often than most. And people think I'm a weirdo for it. Squatting in rivers looking for pretty stones. Looking in awe at the handcrafted masonry in old churches. Listening to an album for the first time with my eyes closed, swaying to the sound as it moves me.

And I really hope that I can cultivate a sense of confidence, and safety. Safety. Let's really not understate the importance of that feeling for someone with lifelong PTSD. Because the confidence will absolutely come naturally after that, duh, right? A safe hunter feels confident. A safe weaver feels confident. A safe banker feels confident. Does a threatened one?! XD So... I really hope I can cultivate a sense of consistent safety so that I can truly just... be myself. Without having to worry about punishment. Without having to worry about persecution. Without having to worry about "retaliation". Without having to worry about being "locked up" (contained, prevented, restrained) for being myself. For being what I naturally am, who I naturally am.

Yo, check this out, I'm actually gonna connect the dots here! HAHA! When I have that sense of safety, of security, that I need... I truly believe that I will be able to reach up and pause my music in my earbuds... turn around... look that white-haired man in the eyes with a warm and compassionate gaze that I try so hard to keep present as much as I can... and say, "hey man, this is really awkward and I really don't want you to feel self conscious, but I think you got something stuck in your teeth or you have a cavity or something? I've gotten it before too, and sometimes you don't notice because like... you're always around the smell, you know? Like I was a smoker, and I never smelled that I smelled like cigarettes all the time, you know? So like... just wanted to let you know that your breath kinda has that smell to it, out of kindness, because like... I don't know if anyone told you, and if I was in your shoes, I would want someone to tell me."

Someday I'll get there. I've been there a few times, just... not consistently. And I really feel like... that's the kind of person I want to be. That's what the real me inside wants to be in that situation every time, but I'm always so afraid. That's a hell of a goal, huh? Some people want to be billionaires, some want to own a Lamborghini and drive it 35mph in residential zones, some people want to intentionally fail at procreating as many times as they possibly can, some people want to be idolized for the fabricated image they display to the public. And I want to just be confidently, honestly compassionate with a complete stranger - at "risk" to myself - and not feel fear. And not cower and run and hide myself from it. I just want to make a memorable, positive impact on people. And as little negative impact as I can. That's all.

Good lord, I just went to the grocery store and this came out. Welcome to my brain. I have to live with this every day.

I got Chinese takeout. It was good, as usual. I worked on one of the stones that my mom mailed me. I think it might have silver in it. I'm pretty excited about it, it's definitely metal, definitely tiny little veins. I spent... close to 3 hours on that. Let me put it this way. I ate dinner, I started working on it, the streams I was watching were pissing me off because literally every goddamn stream is running bundles of like 6-8 ads now... and they're doing these pop-up ads that just throw a fucking ad right there under the stream. In bright white on top of the black background, burning your damn retinas. I remember when coming across ads like these meant you were stumbling into a questionable part of the internet, now it's like... it's fucking everywhere. This is so embarrassing, people. Give these fucking assholes an inch and they'll take everything. See? See how upset it makes me?! XD No wonder I left. I fucking left. I went back over to YouTube, where I finally caved and got a Premium account and it's the most peace I've had in ages. But I wanted to watch something long-form. So I put on Batman Begins. I didn't remember the plot, I didn't really pay much attention to it at the time. Or the last one in the trilogy. I remember Dark Knight, I saw that a bunch of times, but the other two, not so much. So... I did like an hour of sanding before Batman Begins... and about 15 minutes of finishing up the polishing after. That's how much non-stop sanding I did on this stone that's like... less than an inch long. And it looks fucking gorgeous. I can't wait to see it in the sunlight tomorrow!

So yeah, that was basically my day. And as I said in the beginning... it doesn't feel like... a full day. I did like 3 things. Groceries, dishes, polish stone. Oh, and therapy, and that did go well too. But for me? It was a big day. A really good day I should be proud of. So... I'm going to be happy about that.

I miss being comfortable embracing being different. Maybe it's because people just... thought I'd grow out of it? Or be pressured by society to conform? Like... "oh, he'll quit eventually, he'll come to his senses eventually." I mean, he's in his mid 30's... how much longer can he keep this up? Or maybe I just think people think that.

At the end of the day... I just want to live a life where I look at my day and go "I'm happy with that." "I did good." And I think today fits that bill. So I'm going to give myself permission to smile and stop beating myself up. :D

Goodnight, and if you read all of this, I hope you have a pleasant tomorrow!

[theimportance-ofbeing-earnest]

Addiction

I’ve had a fair amount of time with you.

We’ve had a lot of fun. At least, in your eyes.

I gave you a lot of my time.

I let you have your way with me.

To do as you pleased, whenever you wanted me. 

I found you at a really young age.

You took me in with your warmth, and never bothered to leave.

I didn’t want you to.

Not then. At least. 

Then, it got worse. 

You made me have a short fuse.

You made me feel as though I couldn’t get through the day without you.

You made me lose myself in the worst ways possible.

You gave up on me when all I could do was depend on you.

And only you.

I pushed away friends, family, and my own mental health for you.

I gave you myself, and it still wasn’t enough.

You were cruel.

You were once warm, and then you grew cold on me.

You treated me like a joke.

A sick, worn out, overdone, and overused joke. I was your punchline. 

I got on my knees for you, and all you did was wrap your hands around my throat, pin me to the ground, and laugh at me.

I knew then that I had to quit you. Before you’d kill me. 

I’m still stuck to you, thanks to the curveballs that life threw at me. 

But, now you’re less worse than before.

I only deal with you now.

I no longer have to depend on you. 

I thought that you were the only thing in life that would keep me going. 

Now I’m learning that you were something to kill me.

[regalramtrecera]

“One who possesses Reason should require a Reason to fight, remember we were once mortals too, long ago”

//Art by: Yuan Yu.

[billionairebabes]

Hi dolls, as 2021 quickly approaches, I’ve begun my annual new year planning. 2020 threw curveballs none of us could’ve expected but I’m grateful to have made it through it all in good health. In years past, I’ve always set resolutions and goals going into the new year but this year I wanted to take it a step further and walk into 2021 with a little more intention and planning. Here are a few things I’m doing to prepare myself. 

1. I like to start this process by showing gratitude. Though 2020 was undoubtedly tough, I still think we can all find little pockets of happiness and blessings to be grateful for. I like to create a list in one of my journals detailing all of the highlights of my year. Naturally, 2019’s list was much more exciting but I still managed to throw a few things together. Write your list and express gratitude even if it’s just the small things. You can also take this time to reflect on some things you may have wanted to do a little better and how that can look going forward in 2021. 

2. For 2021, I want to try something very different. Since I was a child, I would create New Year’s resolutions and goals that I wanted to reach for the new year. This often looked like traveling to x amount of countries, working out, gaining x amount of pounds, getting better grades, etc but it’s estimated that only 8% of people actually stick to their resolutions, and 2020 hardly even gave people the chance to try. So going into 2021, I’m shortening a usually very long goals and resolutions list and adding a list of commandments. Within these, I may include small details about how I can go about living within each commandment. Example: Instead of saying that I will date xxx amount of wealthy men in 2021, my commandment instead looks like: I will only entertain wealthy men that value me when and if I do decide to date.

Other commandment examples look like:

a. Be kind to those around you. b. Don’t argue and don’t debate with others when unnecessary. (I actually have this problem lol. Should’ve studied law) c. No casual sex 

The commandments feel more like small corrections to my behavior and lifestyle and hold a lot less pressure. I will be creating a majority of my goals on a monthly and/or quarterly basis, and this way, I feel as if I’m more likely to follow through. I’ll be creating goals from where I’m at instead of where I hope to be. I think trying to set goals for an entire year all at once is unrealistic and that’s why so many people fail at keeping them. So rather than setting these broad goals for myself for 2021, I am instead setting standards and rules by which I want to abide in my everyday life that will inadvertently help me achieve my goals. Later this month, closer to the New Year, I’ll start my January & Q1 goals. 

Note: Remember to be incredibly specific when creating goals. They should be measurable, achievable and should include a time measurement. 

3. Building a vision board. Based on #2, my vision board won’t be a vision board full of goals and that’s ok for me because I’ll be creating many digital vision boards throughout the year as I do form my goals. If you decide to try out my method in #1 then your vision board can include pictures that represent what you want your life to look like in the next year.  Think, a vision board that represents a lifestyle more so than your individual resolutions. 

Example: If one of your commandments states that you should be open to more experiences then your board may include a picture of a cool dining experience. Another alternative is a collection of pictures that inspire you or fit your “aesthetic”. There are some goals that’ll remain constant so my vision board for my life regardless of the year so my 2021 vision board will reflect that.

 - My vision board includes women I admire, confident women, high maintenance women, beauty products, historically glamorous women like Zsa Zsa Gabor and Eartha Kitt, outfits and style I want to emulate, affirmations, my favorite foods, healthy foods, interiors, and other pics that match my current and desired aesthetic. 

(2 of 10 pages of my mood board)

- I created mine on Keynote on my laptop, put it in ‘View’ mode when it was complete, and then and took screenshots. I moved those screenshots into my notes (connected to my iCloud) so that I always have access to them. Whenever I need a motivation boost, I glance at my vision board. 

4. Cleanse and organize. I like to start the new year on as much of a clean slate as I can so weeks prior to January 1st, I like to begin my deep cleaning and organizing. Here are my suggestions:

a. Clean out your closet and donate what no longer matches the look you may want go for in the new year. 

b. Reorganize and organize your closets and drawers. Fold your undies sis.  c. Do you really need all of those lotions? Have they expired? If you haven’t in a while, go through your skincare, makeup, bath, and hair products to see if they’re worth holding on to. Discard what’s expired and give away what you just might not like or didn’t work for you. 

d. If you’re in school and you’re anything like I was then you probably have entirely too many documents saved on your computer just hanging out in that downloads folder. If you don’t need a document anymore throw them away. Clear away all of the files that live on your desktop for no reason too. Organize the files you do need into folders so that they’re easier to find.  If you have a Google Drive do the same. 

e. Delete contacts you no longer need or use  f. Delete the hundreds of pictures you might’ve accumulated this year. You probably no longer need them. 

g. Back up your laptop if you haven’t in a while. 

5. My Looks. This is a category that I am always working on so it usually always makes it to my New Year prep list in some shape or form. This year my list looks something like this.

a. What investments pieces do I want to add to my wardrobe this year?  b. What staple pieces should I be adding to my wardrobe this year? c. What treatments or procedures am I looking to get this year?  d. Do I plan on trying something new with my hair this year (what wigs do I need & costs, do I want to start going to salons (do research on where you’d want to go), do I want to try color? etc.)  e. Is there anything else regarding my looks that I want to address this year? How can I do that? What do I need? 

6. The Finances $$$. I’m starting a new job in January so I’ll be replanning my finances for the next year but even if you aren’t I think this step is still useful. Here’s what my financial planning for the new year looks like: 

a. New monthly budgets  b. Research on new stocks to invest in for 2021. This research is based on the Biden presidency and what I predict will boom during his term.  c. Beauty & Maintenance Investments. What treatments (fillers, chemical peels, etc.) do I want and how much will they cost? How often do I want to get my nails and toes, hair etc. done? How much do I need to budget for that? d. Are there any personal projects I’m already planning that will require an investment?  e. Savings plans and goals 

I hope you dolls found this post helpful and I’m wishing all the blessings and luck on to all of you! May we all have a prosperous New Year and Happy Holidays 🎄🎅🏾!

xxx BJC 

[maryjanesims3]

Hi everyone!

First of all: I still want to wish everyone a happy new year! I'm super late with it, but things have been a bit crazy.

I wished this would have been a post were I uploaded a new default, but life threw a curveball. Everything is OK regarding me and my own health, but my best friend went to a really bad place not long after my last post. A really, really bad place. So I offered her a place to stay here in my house so she can get things back on track, while not having to worry about cooking or doing laundry and that sort of stuff. I'm giving her a room in the literal sense of the word, but also room to work on things.

This means that I don't have much time for my own hobbies at the moment, which I'm sure you all understand - the (mental) health of friends is way higher on the priority list!

Things are calming down, she's a lot better right now, so we're moving upward from here. You'll hear from me soon enough with an update, or just something new to upload, depending on the situation.

Lots of love,

MJ

[whiskery-louis]

Surprise

**as you all will come to find out I am a die hard Louis girl and I just had this idea stuck in my head all day. Hope you like it!

*Louis Tomlinson x reader

*little bit of smut at the end

*please give feedback and interact with any of my work! means so much

One more day, just one more day until you would get to see Louis. You kept repeating this over to yourself in your head as you made another call at work. The only thing getting you through the monotony of your day was that you were seeing him in only 24 hours. Due to Covid your relationship had come to a halt, the two of you were only casually seeing each other for about three months due to his job, but you knew you wanted it to be more. And then out of nowhere the whole world shut down and you suddenly had to endure months of facetimes and texting. All you had wanted was him to ask you to fly out and stay with him, but he had Freddie and you knew he had to put his child's safety above yours. 

Thankfully the clocked ticked to 5:00pm and you were done for the day. You slammed the lid of your laptop closed as you made your way to the kitchen to look for some dinner and pour yourself a glass of wine.

Hey love, how was your day? 

Your phone chimed from the counter, you saw his name and a small smile spread over your lips. You replied with a photo of your glass and a thumbs down emoji. Before you even had the chance to put your phone down his face lit up the screen.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, concern clearly written across his face.

“Just the usual, getting yelled at by customers for doing my job and not getting enough support from management.” you sighed. “It’s exhausting. I don’t even like my job Lou but it pays so well for me only just being out of school.”

“I’m sorry love. I wish I could be there to cheer you up.”

“It’s okay Louis, I get to see you tomorrow and nothing else matters today.”

At the mention of your trip his face dropped, your heart sinking along with it. You instantly knew something was wrong.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

He sighed, “Brianna doesn’t think it’s a good idea. She said if I go she doesn’t know if she’ll want me to see Freddie unless I quarantine after. She doesn’t want to risk him getting sick and honestly I don’t either. It would kill me if he got Covid because of me.”

Your heart felt heavy, and you felt the tears prick the back of your eyes. “Oh,” you muttered. “I get it Lou, of course I do. Freddie’s health has to come first. We can reschedule...again.” 

“Hey now, I didn’t say I was canceling.” A small frown forming on his lips.

“You didn’t have to,” you said sadly. “It’s Freddie, and I wouldn’t want him to get sick, or you, or Brianna because of a silly trip.”

“No don’t say that, it’s more than just a silly trip Y/N. But it's also not the safest time.” He sighed again running a hand through his already messy hair. “I’m so sorry babe, I know how much you were looking forward to your time away. I was too, god I just want to be with you. Fuck Covid.” 

You had a sad smile on your lips as you picked up your glass and took a large sip. “You can say that again,” you scoffed involuntarily. “Really Louis, we can figure something else out when things clear up. I’ll call Sara and see if she can get off and we can do a winery trip or something. But I gotta go, I wanted to get a walk in before it starts to rain. I’ll call you later.”

You gave him another small smile before ending the call. You finished the rest of your wine and headed into your bedroom to change before heading out. You had lied to get off the phone, but part of you hoped that a walk would clear your mind but all it did was give you more time to wallow in your disappointment. 

It felt like all the joy that had been building over the past weeks was just sucked out of you. It was going on four months of not seeing him and you didn’t know how much longer you would be able to do this. The two of you had only been seeing each other for about three months before quarantine happened, and since then you had only been able to hang out about five times, never for longer than a week at a time. It wasn’t the ideal way to begin a relationship, and honestly you weren’t even sure where you stood with him. The two of you had never actually put a label on what you were doing. You wanted more, you wanted all of him and wanted to give him all of you, but the universe seemed to be doing everything in its power to keep you apart.

And you wanted to be mad at him, you really did, but you knew the concerns were valid. It was always the same promises you made each other only for them to be broken. Sighing you headed back home, planning to finish the bottle of wine you opened and drown your sorrows with some ice cream. 

I canceled the Airbnb, I’m so sorry babe. We’ll figure something out soon. Xx

His text sent you over the edge, and you turned your phone off as the tears began falling down your face. You kept reminding yourself that you weren’t even officially dating but he still managed to consume your every thought. You were planning on talking to him about it on your trip and now you lost your chance. It wasn’t a conversation you wanted to have over the phone.

You put Criminal Minds on knowing a rom-com would just make you more upset due to your weak emotional state. “Fuck Covid,” you muttered to yourself as you stuffed your face with ice cream. 

Six episodes and two bottles of wine later and you managed to stop feeling sad. You fumbled for your phone in the dark trying to figure out how late it was. You cursed as you hit your hand on the edge of the coffee table.

“Alexa lights on,” at the sound of your voice the string lights illuminated your small living room. Where the fuck did you put your phone, you threw the blankets you were using on the floor and heard a thud. “Found it,” you muttered. You turned it back on and were shocked that you had no missed messages or calls from Louis, you just assumed he was taking the time to process his feelings just like you were. You were also surprised to see that it was past 10 pm. You were so enthralled in your show that you lost track of time. Thankfully it was Friday and you could sleep in tomorrow. You began cleaning up your mess before heading for bed.

As soon as you entered your room you heard knocking on your front door. You instantly looked around for a weapon, since you spent the night watching a show about serial killers you assumed the worst. You panicked and grabbed the lamp off your bedside table. As you were inching your way down the hallway the person knocked again. 

You reached the door and bent slightly to look out the peephole.

“Fuck!” you yelled as you put the lamp down and all but ripped the door off the frame. “Louis! What are you doing here?” you threw yourself at him.

“Oh fuck its so good to see you,” he kissed the top of your head through his mask.

You pulled back and looked up at him in amazement. “I don’t understand, how are you here? After our call I never expected…” you trailed off at a loss for words.

“Well are you going to let me in?” he chuckled as you moved over and pulled him in and shut the door behind him. He looked around your house with a slight smile on his face.

“What’s the look for?”

“This is exactly how I pictured your place to be.” he had taken his mask off and shoved it in his pockets and you could see that he had a slight stubble coming in.

“Well you have seen it in photos and during our video calls.”

He laughed slightly as he shrugged his jacket and shoes off. “I know but it's the little things. Like the photos on the wall, the five blankets on your couch. Everything just has your touch to it. It's perfect.” he ended his little speech as his eyes fell back on you, the smile so huge on his face that it gave him the cutest crinkles around his eyes.

His beauty took your breath away and you could feel the tears pricking at the back of your eyes again. He sensed the change in your mood instantly.

“Hey hey, what’s wrong?” his hands engulfed yours, pulling you down onto the couch with him.

“I just can’t believe you are here and I’m not dreaming. How did this happen?”

You leaned into his side, tracing the tattoos on his arms that were wrapped around you. You had never been more content in your life, this is all you had wanted all throughout quarantine and he was finally here.

“Something didn’t feel right after our call earlier. I just knew that I couldn’t wait any longer to see you. Covid has messed enough up for us and I wasn’t going to let it ruin another weekend.”

“But what about Freddie?”

“I called Brianna before I bought my ticket and we agreed as long as I don’t go anywhere and test negative when I go back, that I could still see him and not have to wait the 14 days. So I booked the next flight and here I am.”

“So you mean to tell me that we’re gonna be stuck inside the whole time you are here?” 

He was looking at you so intently as he answered, “I hope that’s okay with you Y/N. I have missed you so much since the last time we were together and I need to see you, to be with you. I-I...my feelings for you are very apparent when we are apart and I’m not the best with words but I want to be with you. I want you to be mine Y/N.”

You were floored at his words. Louis had never been one to openly express how he was feeling, it was always like pulling teeth. And through all the curveballs that had been thrown at you over the past few months you would have never guessed that he felt this way. You looked up at him, his eyes searching your face for a reaction.

“Y/N please say something.”

You reached up and pulled his face down to you, your lips attaching to his. He pulled you closer as he deepened the kiss, his hands rubbing circles on your lower back. You broke away resting your forehead on his.

“Louis I am all in, I always have been. I’ve been wanting you to say that for so long.” you kissed him again. “You are all I have ever wanted”

The grin that lit up his face was contagious and you knew you had a similar one plastered on yours.

“This is just the beginning for us love,” he pulled you closer and kissed the top of your head once more. “If we can make it through these past months, we can make it through anything. As long as we are together that is all I need.”

You just nodded in agreement, placing a light kiss on his chest.

“You know Louis, there is one thing that could make this night better.” you looked up at him with a smirk on your face.

“Oh hmm, and what would that be?”

“Why don’t you follow me?” you stood up coyly and grabbed his hand so he would come with you to your room.

He stopped short leaning against your bedroom door. You looked back at him in confusion. “Aren’t you coming?”

“I want to hear you say it.”

“Say what?”

“What do you want to do to make this night better?” there was a huskiness to his voice that hadn't been there previously. 

Two can play at this game you thought. You met his glare with a smirk on your face, your hands went down to the hem of your sweatshirt and you slowly pulled it over your head so you were standing in front of him in only a pair of shirts, your breasts on full display.

“I want you to fuck me Louis. I want your hands all over me, I want you to show me what I’ve been missing these last four months. I want you inside me.”

Your eyes still locked on him, you slowly pulled your shorts down and as you threw them across the room, Louis closed the gap between the two of you, his mouth finding yours as his hands were on your body. One on your hip, pulling you close to him and the other massaging your breast.

Normally the two of you would engage in mind blowing foreplay but there was no need tonight. It had been a long four months apart and soon Louis was filling you up and you were moving along with him. The sex was always good between the two of you but tonight was something more. 

“Faster,” you muttered against his lips, your hands were wrapped around his backs leaving marks to claim him as yours.

“Fuck Y/N,” he breathed into your neck as he burried himself further into you.

“I’m almost there Louis.”

He picked his head up and locked eyes with you as his pace increased. “I know baby me too, let go.” He leaned down and pressed his lips against yours, the two of you releasing at the same time.

He pulled himself out and rolled onto the bed next to you, wrapping you in his arms.

“Ya know love, I have to give it to you, that did make tonight better.”

“Mhm,” you sighed as you rolled your eyes and moved closer to him. “I’m so glad you’re here Louis. Best surprise ever.”

[scribbles97]

Half a Hope

Post Season 3 fic, based on a comment made by Colonel Casey in Break Out.

I make no apologies for where this ended.

@gumnut-logic thank you for the cheerleading as always!

They had seen each other in passing, she had been there when they had landed on the Island. Jeff’s first thought had been how old she had looked, but a glance in the elevator doors had reminded him of just how old he himself had gotten.

Val had smiled and waved, promised she would visit as soon as she had dealt with the Hood and his new team.

He had put it down to exhaustion that he was disappointed that she hadn’t stayed.

Then it had been forgotten about though, written out by time with his family and a move to hospital to ensure a proper recovery. Tests and reports had filled his days, discussions of what he had missed and what he had to face before normality would take over again. After eight years alone it was a lot to take in.

He wasn’t proud that he had once snapped at his mothers well meaning fussing.

He was grateful that she had at least understood.

Exhausted and overwhelmed, he looked forward to his moments of peace when everyone else had gone home. He appreciated the chance to simply switch off and block out everything around him. The doctors and nurses were done for the day, bland dinner served and pills dispensed, he knew he wouldn’t be disturbed for the evening.

The lightest of taps on the door was enough to draw his attention, pulling him back from the edge of relaxation.

“I can come back.”

She had whispered it, but compared to the noise of space, everything was loud.

“No,” He grunted, pushing himself upright in the bed against muscles that protested, “come in, Val, it’s good to see you.”

Her smile widened as she slipped quietly through the door, hesitating by it as she shook her head.

“It’s really you,” Whispered again, “you’re really home.”

He grinned back, “In the flesh.”

“Forgive me for being sceptical,” She shrugged, “It’s kind of been a while.”

“Too damn long,” He replied, resting his head back against the pillows, “Come and sit.”

She glanced over her shoulder, “The nurse sai--”

“Damn the nurses,” He waved her towards the seat again, “I know what I need, and it’s for you to tell me the unabridged versions of what I’ve missed.”

Even her laugh was quiet as she skirted the room, pulling the chair closer before she took a seat. Her eyes seemed brighter in the lights, her smile softened from the hard tight look she had thrown across the tarmac to him weeks ago. She was still noticeably older than he remembered, grey streaking her hair, and laugh lines creasing the corner of her eyes deeper than he remembered.

He couldn’t help but think how it suited her.

“So,” She murmured, crossing one leg over the other as she sat forward, “Where shall I start?”

They had talked for hours that first evening, and if it hadn’t been for the mental and physical exhaustion pulling him towards sleep, he was sure they wouldn’t have stopped. Her hand had been warm and comfortable on his shoulder before she had left, the first time she had dared to reach out to him.

Part of him didn’t want her to leave, her company easier than anybody else's.

Val didn’t fuss or fret, didn’t treat him like the old man he felt he was. She seemed to know though, just what he needed, how to speak in the low tones that didn’t disturb him, how to keep company without having to even say anything.

He loved his family, but they were all so eager to have him home, sometimes they seemed to forget and he had to remind them.

Val seemed constantly, acutely aware.

After the first night they had talked often. Everything and nothing coming to mind in equal measures. Some conversations were important, Janus trying to force Val out of her job and the boys into submission. Others were less so, simple time fillers when the silence was too much.

On the dark nights, when sleep wouldn’t come and his burdens were too heavy for his sons to shoulder, she was there. Occasionally in person, more often in text. She had put it down to being a light sleeper, used to being woken at the slightest call for her attention. He hadn’t questioned, simply grateful for the company and the outlet.

When he returned to the Island and was forced to watch in person as his son’s risked their lives time and again, she was there to reassure. There may have also been a degree of ass kicking when he had questioned himself and the organisation he had created. Her tongue was sharp as ever, not a single word minced over her thoughts on the topic.

She always had been damn good at setting him straight.

It was what she had done after Lucy. After he had all but abandoned his family and set himself on a downward spiral, Val had been the one to drag him back up and shove him down the path he needed to follow.

“What’s got you smiling?”

He shrugged, glancing down to his bourbon as he swirled it, the ice clinking on the sides of the glass. He didn’t drink much any more, more conscious of his declining health than he had ever been, but it had been a year since he had walked out of that hospital and he was sure the one drink was warranted.

“I owe you some thanks,” He sighed, drawing his gaze from the sun setting far on the horizon and back to her, “For keeping me going since I came home.”

Her eyes met his for the briefest of moments before she was looking away. He wasn’t sure if he was meant to notice how her jaw clenched and her own smile fell, but he did, and it worried him.

“Val?”

She didn’t look back, instead taking a sip of her drink, eyes fixed on the pool below the deck.

“Val.” He stated, frowning as he sat straighter.

Both of them knew the tone, each had spent enough time in the military to know when a statement was a command. Neither could ignore it.

Swallowing her drink she didn’t look back to him, “You said the same after Lucy died.”

The statement only confused him more.

“Val what--”

“Be quiet.”

He did as she asked, still frowning as he watched her. The trust was strong between both of them, and he knew better than to push. She would speak when she was ready.

Still, it made him worry. He couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t been blunt with him, when her words hadn’t cut straight to the core of any issue. To see her so clearly conflicted seemed wrong.

She had told him to be quiet, but she hadn’t stopped him from reaching out to touch her arm where it rested outstretched towards him. Her breath sucked in sharply at his touch as she closed her eyes.

“All I needed was half a hope.”

Words no longer needed whispering for him, but it seemed it was all she could force out as her eyes snapped back to him.

There were tears there.

“They didn’t tell me.” She whispered with a shake of her head, “I was the last to find out you might be alive.”

This he hadn’t known.

Anger burned somewhere deep in him at the thought of her being in the dark.

“I thought you were dead, and I didn’t know what to do Jeff because I finally understood it all.”

The hand of the arm he had reached to twisted, taking his fingers and squeezing them tightly as she swallowed.

“I finally understood what you felt when you said a part of you had died with Lucy.”

His heart clenched at the thought, long buried feelings and emotions bubbling up. It was a time in his life he never would forget, the pain indescribable and most certainly not anything he would ever wish on another.

Val had watched him through it all, a quiet shoulder of support at the start when the ache of loss was at its worst.

Who had been there to support her?

“I would have done anything,” She continued softly, “if there had been the slightest indication that you could have been alive…”

Catching her hand in his before she could pull away, he held on tight. It was far too late, the damage already done and no doubt seared deep, but he was there.

“You couldn’t have known.” He murmured, “Val there was no possible way for you--”

“I should have!” She snapped, cutting him off as eyes glistening with unshed tears turned on him.

Colonel Evangeline Casey didn’t do scared.

Jeff could count on one hand the number of times he had seen her well and truly afraid.

It was undoubtedly what he was seeing in that moment though. Equal parts hurt and fear as she watched him, unable to look away.

“How?” He prompted softly, thumb smoothing calmly over the back of her hand, “How should you have known Val?”

She shrugged as she shook her head, eyes finally breaking away to look at his hand over hers.

Equally as soft, “Because it was you.”

Another question was on the tip of his tongue, desperate to figure out what had brought all of this on. She beat him to it though, the words coming tumbling as if the dam had broken.

“Because it was you and Lee and Lucy and me, and when Lucy was gone nothing seemed right any more. Lee couldn’t cope so he left the world behind, and then it was just us. You and me against whatever the world decided to throw at us after that, and the world threw some wicked curveballs.”

He could guess she wasn’t talking of the challenges of starting International Rescue.

“Because you’re you,” She shrugged, voice twisting tight with the words, “You were my best friend's husband, and then she was gone and hell it seemed so wrong. Who else did I have though? Nobody else seemed to get it like you always did, and part of me really hated you for that because it made everything so much more complicated. How could I really hate you though? You didn’t even know, and I knew, I always knew your heart would only ever belong to Lucy.”

The tears had tracked down her cheeks, barely visible in the soft dusk light. Jeff could see them though, them and all they stood for.

With a sniff, Val looked away, dipping her head as she closed her eyes and swallowed the last mouthful of her drink.

“Didn’t stop me though,” Her eyes darted back, holding his as she pursed her lips, “Didn’t stop me from loving you.”

TBC?