#but my emotional ass wants to pre order it

[collinnmckinley]

Destiny 2: The Final Shape | Official Artwork

[toji-sweetheart]

tags: 18+ only content - mdni + fem reader + modern au + explicit smut + breeding kink + ass slapping + blowjob that turns into 69+ he's in love with you + repost

Toji watches you.

You could be doing the most mundane things, and his eyes were following you. That's how he found out you wanted a baby.

It was obvious.

Anytime the two of you passed by a pregnant woman, you'd look at her belly then him. "We'd have a cute baby." You murmured kissing him.

Or in the store when you'd pass by the racks of newborn clothes in all sorts of designs and patterns cooing at the onesies. "Look, baby!"

Even though you weren't pregnant, you still stopped to look before moving on to get what was actually needed. On the way home, you babbled about him getting you pregnant.

Toji found himself thinking about you round and swollen with his baby.

It was an image that plagued his mind.

He loves you more than anything, and he knew you wanted a baby, so why would he deny you?

The more you two kept seeing families around, it seemed the women were always pregnant while the dad was pushing a stroller with a toddler in the seat cooing and babbling about something.

When you got home from work later that week, you collapsed on the bed tired and exhausted where Toji was lounging after his own long day. "Let's order dinner tonight, baby, I'm not really in the mood to cook anything." You groaned softly when you rolled over to your side.

Toji pulled his arm out from under his head to open it up and let you nuzzle into his side, your face buried in his chest. "I already got it in. I got your favorite." He grumbled, his voice thick with unshed emotion.

You knew he wasn't one to talk about his feelings so more times than not you had to push a little bit to get him to open up. "You're so sweet, I love you." You murmured softly looking at him warmly.

Your thumb traced his scar as you smiled and cocked your head a little to the side. "What are you thinking about?" You prompted.

He rubbed at his jaw and leaned in to kiss you deeply, his lips molded against yours perfectly. "Putting a baby in you." He replied gruffly.

"Oh...oh...a baby?" You asked sitting up more as you tucked your legs under you as you gripped his shirt feeling excitement bubble through your veins as you bounced up and down grinning wildly.

Toji couldn't help but smile and shake his head as you leaned down to kiss him this time. "As of now you are my little crybaby, but been think' about you pregnant and walkin' around the house naked."

Your eyes widened and your pussy grew its own heartbeat at his words. "Ah-Toji!-really? Are you sure?" You asked feeling his palms slide under your shirt to trace patterns along your back.

He nodded and watched you crawl off the bed to tear your clothes off until you were bare at the side of the mattress as you dropped down on your hands smiling slyly at your husband who spread his legs.

A smile tugged his lips back as he watched you hook your fingers under the band of his boxers looking at him with your own smirk while you pulled the fabric down so you could kiss his belly.

Your lips trailed around his pelvic bone listening to him suck in a breath as you ran your fingertips over the head that was sticky with pre-cum. "I'm sure, now why don't you sit down on my cock."

His voice was thick was desire and want as his hands roamed over your skin pulling to create a pull of pleasure that made your skin simmer with need. "But why can't I just suck you off first?"

Toji didn't say anything but spread his legs wider to let you lay between them, your fingers wrapped around his shaft once you got comfortable, and jerked him off slowly from base to tip teasingly.

Leaning in you inhaled his musk and kissed the sticky slit dipping your tongue in the hole before wrapping your lips around him. "Just like that, look so good 'f me with my cock in your mouth like that."

His words went straight to your pulsing core as you dropped down more taking the rest of what you could fit in the back of your throat, your cheeks swollen and lips bulging trying to fit him inside.

It didn't take long before Toji manhandled you to sit on his face, your thighs squeezing his head as his hands gripped your ass spreading it open making it easier for him to slurp at your wet pussy.

Your back arched when his tongue swirled over your clit before he sucked on it with precision, your husband knew the art of seducing you and how to get you right where he wanted.

The sounds of you both pleasuring each other sounded out, your gagging and sputtering filled his ears as did the blood that rushed drowning everything out as he buried his face in your cunt now.

He didn't miss any inch of your pussy that drooled, spit, and your slick pooled and dribbled out of the corners of his mouth as his hands made sure to grope and grip each patch of bare skin he could touch as you bobbed up and down the length of his cock.

"Don't want to cum in that pretty mouth of yours, why don't you sit my pussy down on me, mhm?" Toji asked cracking his open hand on your ass loving how you moaned around him as you ground your hips.

You giggled with spit bubbles when you pulled off him completely cock drunk as you scrambled off to straddle his hips again letting the tip of his dick press against you as he helped you sit up more.

Toji's palms melted like butter in a hot pan against your bare chest when you slipped your shirt off as he rubbed the bulbous head against your fluttering hole, the both of you holding a breath.

Slowly he pushed in letting you get used to the stretch, it always was to take him, no matter the amount of prepping you were sure to gasp and cry out his name. "Toji! Fuck! You're so big!" You moaned throwing your head back when he bottomed out.

The both of you let out unbridled moans from the bliss that shot up your spine, leaning down you kissed him grinding your hips back and forth catching your clit on his pelvic bone as you slid your fingers into his hair curling into the soft locks as the kiss was deepened.

He grunted in your mouth, his tongue sliding against yours feeling your pussy flutter and try to milk him, the tip kissed your cervix almost when he rested his feet flat on the bed fucking up into you.

His hands stayed on your back before they drifted down to your ass squeezing the fat of both cheeks then he took turns slapping each one as you began to bounce up and down moaning his name.

Toji wanted to video-record you.

Seeing you so obsessed with him, your fingers tracing his chest as you fucked him back, your head titled back with loud pornographic moans pouring from your mouth as he circled your clit with his thumb, you looked so good on top of him, fucking him like you want.

The hand that wasn't between where you two connected palmed your tit then pinched your nipple hearing you whine and feeling your cunt squeeze him like a vice now. "Cum inside me! Give me a baby!"

He also enjoyed hearing you beg him for something so lewd, the way you tried to trigger his orgasm when yours hit you like a ton of bricks, your hips stuttered on top of him as you squealed and gasped.

His hands wouldn't stay off your ass as he helped you bounce up and down his cock like a toy almost, at this point his head was full with one thing, and hearing the wet squelching had his sack tightening.

Then you felt it.

Toji's cock throbbed with its own heartbeat each time with each string of cum that filled you so hot and thick as his mouth latched onto your neck sucking on the pulse point while holding you tightly to him as he made sure he emptied himself inside you.

"You're going to make such a good mom." He whispered letting his hand fall down to your belly rubbing small circles where your future children will grow.

That night seemed to play like a movie in your head ever since it happened and that was weeks ago, but somehow you can't stop thinking about it no matter how hard you tried.

Then came the missed period and sore boobs, your grumpiness was something that Toji caught onto quickly, and the fact that you wouldn't let him slap your ass whenever he walked by.

"Are you pregnant?" He asked leaning against the bathroom doorframe as you brushed your teeth. Four weeks later after that night, it all came to light when a roll of sickness washed over you.

Morning sickness was next.

You sighed and put your toothbrush up before reaching into the cabinet for a pregnancy test that you kept on hand just in case.

His eyes followed your form as you read the instructions and let him stay in the bathroom as you took the test and washed your hands. The both of you stared down at the white plastic stick waiting.

Toji snaked his arms around your waist resting his chin on your shoulder as he pulled you closer to him, the silence suffocating as the seconds ticked by only for two lines to show up. "Are you pregnant?"

"Yes! Two lines mean positive!" You squealed turning around in his arms as you jumped up letting him catch you making it easier for you to pepper his face in wet kisses as tears poured down your cheeks.

He held you tighter to him feeling a sense of pride swell in his chest along with a mixture of excitement and fear of the idea of becoming a father but with you by his side, he knows he'll make it just fine.

feedback such as comments and reblogs are highly appreciated, those kind words mean a lot and encourage me to do more writing ♡

[crescencestudio]

๋࣭⭑ Devlog #40 | 5.1.24 ๋࣭⭑

Happy April (pretend I'm not late on this devlog)!!

April flew by in the blink of an eye. It's been a really busy month for me personally--I'm not sure about you all!

This devlog is going to be structured differently from the past devlogs for two reasons: 1) my concussion is lowkey kicking my ass and 2) I had a release going on almost every week this month because I am a Crazy Person HA!!!!

This month was filled with some kind of release every weekend, which is equal parts exciting and exhausting. Because releases always take a lot out of me, I basically spent every day this month cycling between phases of post-release euphoria, post-release depression, pre-release excitement, recovery burnout, burnout guilt, and just about every emotion in between.

THEN!! I got into an accident about a week ago and have been throwing hands with the resulting concussion since. So it's basically been a crazy month in the Crescence world.

That being said, let's run through the month in chronological order, and every weekend release :crazy eyes & hysterical laughter:

Kayn's Beta Route Out Now!

Kayn's Beta Route has been Finished!

In Extremely Exciting news, Kayn's beta route was finished during the first weekend of this month! I had put off publicly announcing it because I didn't want to clash with the demo release. But it was released quietly to patrons and beta-testers. Feedback so far has been very kind, and if you'd like to get access to Kayn's beta route, you can play it with the Hydra ($10) tier on my Patreon ^^

I will publicly announce the route sometime later. But for now, for those who bother reading my devlogs, here is a treat!

Enhanced Demo Release

Bro we fucking did it

Second weekend of April, we released the ENHANCED DEMO OFFICIALLY!!!! It was so exciting (and nerve-wracking) to be able to finally get this out to the public. Reception has been so nice, and it's been rewarding to see people finally be able to play the enhanced demo and see what I've been working so very hard on these past couple of months. I'm really glad you all liked it and appreciated all the details that I've painstakingly polished <3

I mentioned it before but I was really nervous for the release---I had no idea how it would go. But as always, I could not be more appreciative of the support you all give to little old me. Thank you, and I hope you all like the taste of what is to come in the Alaris world!

If you haven't gotten a chance to play the demo yet, please check it out here!

ALSO..... if five people want to rate the demo and haven't rated it yet...... it would make me very happy....... we are so close to 300 ratings.....

Velox Formida

Yes, I did help make a game in 36 hours.

Adding to the madness, I got sucked into this game jam by beloved and crazy @shewassaying. You have to make a game in 36 hours. It was a crazy whirlwind of an experience, but with people I always love being with. We finished a beautiful fantasy game if anyone would like to check it out!

Are you tired yet? I sure am.

A Faerie's Tale

We aren't done yet gamers

Finally, to round out the marathon, I created the GUI for this beautiful little game that was submitted to Amare Fest (which you should check out, since a lot of other cool games were submitted!). I had the opportunity to work with some extremely talented devs (@steamberrystudio, @jeneara, @windchimesgames, @tuffmallowinteractive, and feniks of OL fame), some of which are like titans in the VN community to me ;_;

The game is an enchanting, short little story (and FREE!) about a Fae. Something I know many of us are suckers for nyeheh. Please feel free to check it out here

That's it... Kinda.

And that's about it for this month! As you can see..... it was very much a back-to-back month. Because of that, I'm trying to use right now as a break (everyone thank my concussion for forcing me to take a break, yippee!).

Some other things that I want to highlight this month:

We released an official trailer for Alaris. She's stunning, and if you haven't seen it yet...... well, what are you waiting for....

intertwine is part of a Palestinian Relief Bundle. For only $8, you can get access to over 300 cracked games and support an important cause. If you haven't donated yet, please consider doing so. We are close to almost half a million dollars raised! Bundle ends in 4 days, so please consider buying if you haven't already

Alaris is part of a small little collaboration/cross-promotion of other magical and mystery otome. If you like sexy games by cracked devs, please check them out at the bottom of my itchio page. Some of the other games include Obscura, Lost in Limbo, The Good People, Save the Villainess, Snow White Ashes, and more! I would link them here, but I'm starting to get a headache teehee.

Anyways, that rounds out this month and a bunch of exciting news! I know it can be overwhelming to look at. Per usual, I never expect anyone to play every single game I am involved with. But if any of them catch your eye, I encourage you to check them out since many of the people I work with are very talented and you never know what new devs/games you'll get introduced to as a result!

See you all next month! <3

[infranthrax]

helo. im one they call 🍂 and id like to. make a request. i hope ur doing okay (*＞∇＜)ﾉ ur free to write this or not

i would like to request an angst w/ a good ending type of thing if its okay. a platonic f!reader&heartslabyul (seperately. if its limited to one character, you can go with riddle) headcanon that has the following plot;

mc is a pessimistic person, a very tired, overworked one. all they want is a bit of peace and quiet, but they care about the heartslabyul gang very much. they have kind of become a mom/older sister to the group (kinda like trey). anyway, one day the gang realizes that mc seems more irritable than usual which results in them making a snide remark/get in an arguement about the guy's flaws (like how riddle hurt many pre-overblot, how ace runs his mouth at the worst times, how deuce is not the brightest around, cater being addicted to his little social media sites, and trey ignoring the problems regarding riddle because he didnt want conflict, etc etc) that would hurt them.

they kind of ghosting everyone for a couple of days to calm down, and then they awkwardly come back with a box of sweets (that they managed to purchase by scraping by lmao, girlie's poor as hell...) to apologize, and eat them over tea! mc apologizes directly and wants to make up for their words, but they are not the best at speaking their mind.

ive seen countless fics where the main cast gets to be the agressive and sad, sopping wet cats, and reader comforting them. ngl, i wanted to write a piece where MC is the "sad little pathetic shrimp" but i just didnt have the time. anyway, i hope you like this prompt

oh my god I love this prompt! the mc is definitely the therapist of the group and I can imagine this happening… I restricted it down to just riddle given how detailed this prompt was, the rest of the dorm is self explanatory.☺️/pos (and thank you for your kind words! I hope you’re having a good day/night!)

generating new memory… please, one moment… ✨

𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊!

Heartslabyul x f!reader — headcanons!

sypnopsis: mc has had enough of the anal shenanigans after a near traumatic event, and she lashes back out at riddle, who is left bewildered and heated at the event.

light tw // domestic conflict, implied traumatic event

riddle rosehearts

riddle is just anal and sometimes he comes off as bossy and or ungrateful. that’s not really his intention however. that’s just an act of conditioning he’s been through.

so when he sees that you’re overwhelmed, at first he blind sighted to it. riddle isn’t great per se at emotions— let alone the ones of other people.

he gets on you for being late to class one day and it all piles up. You’re in a dorm full of boys— what girl wouldn’t have enough? at the time it was little around the time in which riddle overblotted, and he just went on with daily life like none of that ever happened.

he fucking hurt your ass. quite frankly that was the first (of many) overblots you’ll have to go through, and that’s how you’re gonna handle it? hell no, especially after the fact that you had to play superwoman to get the goons out of a near death situation.

before this, you had gotten into tiffs with the redhead on numerous occasions, trying to ground him down. never really did it work though as he was always stuck in his perfectionist ways. and you hated that about him because his mannerisms reflected into you.

he expected you to be able to carry yourself in a manner that would suit him. he expected you to dress a certain way. he expected you to follow his orders, his rules, his ultimatum. that you couldn’t stand any longer.

when he got on you for being tardy, the melting pot overflowed… and it wasn’t pretty either. let’s say you were in pain, in addition to your mental health plummeting due to not really having anyone to talk to, and then when mother nature calls upon you for your monthly drain you must attend.

you shouldn’t mess with the wrath of a woman on her period. this, riddle learned the hard way… with you.

“riddle… i swear… on god’s green earth, if you don’t shut the hell up… i’m fucking TRYING. I’M TRYING! FUCK YOU, YOU UPTIGHT PIECE OF SHIT, GO ON SOMEWHERE!”

and then the fire brewed. and then it exploded. (quite literally.) it would be hellish screaming match between you two, despite riddle claiming he is above such things. he really isn’t, he’s got a temper that’s about as fagile as glass. (no, it’s not microwave safe.)

after your blow up with riddle, you both proceed to give each other the silent treatment for the better part of a month. during this time you find comfort in your other classmates, spending time with other students outside of heartsllabyul, namely vil and rook, just for a boost of female empowerment.

and while riddle was contemplating all the bullshit that went down between the two of you, he began to feel a little bit of guilt. mattered if fact, both of you did. you shouldn’t have been so aggressive and he shouldn’t have been so… well, himself.

before class one day you enter your lab room to see a small box at your seat with a little note attached to it.

it was from riddle— a little chocolate potion bottle with those biscuits— the exact ones from the disney movie. little did he know, you happened to pop by sam’s shop to get him some mini fruit tarts and snuck into his class early to put them on his desk. you ate his little gift up, in a little bit of worry. would he accept that?

at the end of the day though, you had to return to heartslabyul to see him. and what a surprise, he wanted to talk to you.

call it him playing kiss ass— no, he’s not. he’s sorry. to be true, he should be more careful and more intuitive as a dorm lead to ensure the comfort of his students, and he does understand that sometimes he can come off as overbearing or, dare i say dictatorial. it’s really not meant to cause harm. it has a lot to do with his upbringing.

and you were sorry too. and you both hugged it out. every couple has their tiffs, right? just something he’s gonna have to work on.

[beesmygod]

today is webcomics day. i am bea and i make "A Ghost Story" - part 1: pre-gaming

webcomic day is a yearly celebration of the art form concocted by the screentones podcast team as a way for people to see how the sausage gets made. my webcomic "a ghost story" has been running for over 10 years, and yet i still don't think i can say i am good at making a webcomic. regardless, the comic is getting made because otherwise i become very, very sick in the head. today i would like to share with you the process of making a page of "A Ghost Story" from start to finish. either this demystifies the process or will make you think im so cool and strong for doing this 2x a week. instead of reblogging this one post until it gets very long, i will be posting individual updates that i will then compile and post on my personal website. block the tags now if you HATE comics and want them to EXPLODE.

if you have any questions, even things like "what the fuck are you even talking about" feel free to ask. i want to feel confident in what i make again and i think sometimes interrogation from an outside source is really

---

that said, let's get started. wait just kidding i want a cup of coffee first, hold on.

ok now im ready. i have a big glass of water. i have coffee. i have a headset for the parts of work that don't involve typing words. i can't type words and listen to some streamer babble in my ear at the same time, so it has to be instrumental music or nothing. i just took my meds so they should kick in after about 30 mins. i woke up late today, which is weird and annoying. but maybe i can work late instead.

first off, i need to know where i'm going beyond this one page. if i dont know where im going with something, then i usually create something that sucks that i have to deal with later. hold on my internet died, i have to reset the router. ok, anyway.

what's rattling around in my brain is that not only do i have to deal with maxine's current predicament, i am also dealing with multiple plot elements i need to wrap back around to from the previous chapter. luckily, im about to put maxine down for a nap, which means i can get back to those other elements:

i need to finish the exposition from the three ankou characters for this story arc establishing their motivations as the oppositional force in the story. the "villain" is not these three specifically, but their boss. they need to have a loose understanding of what's going on in order to communicate this to the audience. god this started turning into a huge ass paragraph so i'll just keep it short there.

we've jumped back to before jack's horrible day from the first chapter of this storyline so we have to make our way back toward that and then lapping it, which means wrapping up his various open threads like:

feeding victoria and learning something new about her

finding out alice is a very exceptional employee who is getting many awards

watching valdo call lily while interrupting her during something personal to ask her for help with maxine's situation.

jack meeting with valdo and lily the day after they first met so jack can just tell them straight up that lily has 4 sisters she doesnt know about.

help that girl with her poltergeist problem. remember that. i've had jokes for this rattling in my head for like 4 years. im going insane.

and also the fucking tilberi!!! that has a point its going somewhere!!! there's a larger menace here!!!

other things to set up the climax of this storyline. sexual tensions, hints at larger emotional problems not immediately evident to the reader

lots of moving parts. and i feel like im moving in slow motion to get to them. i can see them all weaving together in my head, its the process of putting that onto paper that's proving difficult.

ok that took an hour starting and stopping. -_- let me write the next part as i keep brainstorming on how to approach this page. taking a "rubber duck" approach to this might help. heres an image from the last page i worked on (i have a 5 page buffer rn so the site does not match the finished pages) to get us semi-situated.

also because images will help people understand what skill level we're working with here. i need to be able to communicate an idea to the audience; if the art also looks good on top of that, then that's just an added bonus. but the ability to communicate my ideas is sometimes hampered by my lack of artistic skill or comics language ineptitude. like those speech bubbles kind of fucking suck but at a certain point you have to just hit print on what you're working on in order to keep your already glacial pace.

webcomics is a tightrope act where you're also spinning 4 plates at once. the trick is to keep the audience from realizing how many actually fall or how wobbly they all are. the act sucks but technically its not a failure.

[whateverloomis]

Scream meets X" || Billy Loomis x Stu Macher x GN!AFAB reader 🔪🔞

PART 1

As requested, part 3! Any suggestions are welcome. My ask box is open!

Warnings: 3some, ffm, AFAB reader (no pronouns used,) oral (male receiving,) scratching (once,) pre-determined clothes, voyeurism, Billy is grumpy (lol,) unedited

Once you walked outside you crashed into Stu's lean figure; "You guys had fun in there?" he asked, sticking his tongue out at you and you sighed; "Not now Stu, Tatum saw the creepy old lady too. She was standing outside the window, staring at us!" You nearly shouted and Billy walked towards you quickly; "Hey, what's going on baby?" he asked, concerned; "Tatum and I saw..." You trailed off, tears escaping your eyes.

Something didn't feel right since the moment you set foot in that cabin and Billy quickly caught on to your concern. "C'mon, let's go'" Billy whispered and glared at Stu before walking you into the bedroom.

"What did I do?!" Stu shouted and scoffed, walking into his own room.

In your room, Billy sat down with you on the edge of the bed and cupped your cheek with his left hand; "Talk to me baby, what's going on? You've been on edge since we got here," he spoke softly and you sighed, closing your eyes to try and make sense of your thoughts and feelings; "I don't know, Billy. Things have been strange since day one. First the owner being hostile and nearly killing Stu, then his sudden change of mind..." you trailed off and Billy scanned your face.

"Nothing bad happened, okay? We just had a talk with him. Straightened some things up, that's a-" - "Did you threaten him?" You interrupted and Billy went quiet. He grabbed your hand and looked into your eyes; "We did what had to be done-" - "Billy! Stop avoiding the question! You threatened him, didn't you?" You interrupted once again and Billy sighed; "I wouldn't necessarily say threatened. It was more like a warning, really..." he explained, but you knew him better than that. You knew he manipulated that old fuck and threatened his life in order to get what he wanted. What you wanted. He did it for you but you had a feeling that the lady stalker was a consequence of whatever he and Stu said or did.

"Billy... Did you know about... The owners wife, I assume?" You asked. You were testing him and his trust. You needed to know if he truly cared about your safety; "...Yes. I did." Billy answered and looked down in slight shame. You cupped his face and looked him straight in the eyes. He might've lied then, but you understood why. He was trying to protect you.

"Look, it wasn't a big deal ok? We got what we wanted and now you're going to be a hit baby. You're it." He told you and placed his hand on your thigh, rubbing up and down.

You couldn't help but reveal a subtle smile. Billy was selfish, but he was selfish for you. You fed from his attention and praise. He loved getting his way while keeping you happy. It was a perfectly fucked up mix of emotions that kept you together.

"Do you think Tatum's okay?" You asked, concern lacing your voice. Billy didn't care much about the girl but he knew Stu would comfort her in his own moronic way.

"I'm sure she's fine, baby. Stop worrying so much, okay? I'm right here." Billy reassured and you visibly relaxed.

"You did so good for me today, hm?" The boy said and pulled you towards him so you could straddle his lap.

"You think so?" You asked teasingly.

"Oh, I know so. Wait until you see yourself," Billy said and squeezed your sides, his cock half hard between your legs just by thinking about your scene.

You smirked and started to grind against his length, it getting fully hard and stimulating your clit perfectly. Moaning at the feeling, you pulled Billy's hair and crashed your lips against his. He placed his hands on your ass and moved your hips against his quicker.

"Fuck... I need to taste you." Your lover said as he laid you on the bed and kneeled down in front of the edge, placing your legs over his shoulders. He teased your pussy by licking your lips softly at first and slowly making his way to your center.

He sucked on your clit very softly but just enough to send a bolt of pleasure up your body. You loved the way he took his time with you while eating you out. His soft movements and teasing drove you mad and he wasn't even getting started.

Billy rested his head against your inner thigh, giving him the perfect angle to lick a stripe up your most sensitive spot. You moaned at his actions and ran your hands through his hair. As he licked at sucked you throbbed uncontrollably and he couldn't help but chuckle against you.

"Ugh, you're such a tease," you moaned out and he pulled back, looking at you from between your legs and smirking. He said nothing and you knew he was going to keep devouring you all night if you let him. And that he did.

•

You woke you from a small ray of light hitting your face. The day was beautiful. Clear blue skies and barely any clouds in sight.

Billy was spooning you, you could feel the soft rise and fall of his chest with every breath he took. You didn't want to get out of bed. The peacefulness was all you needed after last night's stress.

You closed your eyes and smiled softly, enjoying every second of the moment before you heard the door open slowly and felt the bed dip behind you.

It was Stu.

He came over to wake you guys up, and he obviously chose the most obnoxious way to do so.

Stu laid down behind Billy and spooned him. He brushed his friends hair behind his ear and whispered; "Rise and shine Billy boy."

You turned around to look at Stu who had the biggest grin on his face.

Billy opened his eyes, instant annoyance taking over him before he pushed Stu off the bed; "Fuck off asshole," he said and turned around, pulling you towards him once again, snuggling with you.

You giggled at their interaction and wiggled against Billy.

Tatum laid next to you a few seconds later and played with your hair; "C'mon babe, we have a scene to shoot later."

You looked at her in confusion; "You and me?," you asked and she nodded; "And Billy too. Stu wants to do some double blowjob action."

You gasped and craned your neck, locking eyes with Stu. You told him it would be fun to do a scene like that but you didn't think he'd actually go through with it.

"Hell yeah I do, I bet our Billy over here isn't going to mind," Stu said while sticking his tongue out.

Billy might've had his eyes closed but he was half awake and able to hear everything you guys were saying. Stu was already getting on his nerves. The boy threw his pillow at Stu and the blonde ran out of the room giggling like a little girl.

"Ugh, he's so annoying," Tatum said, followed by a smile; "Go get pretty, we're starting in a few hours," she continued and left your room, allowing you and Billy to wake up without anymore interruptions.

•

After midday and discussing what the scene would consist of, everything was set up in the living room space. You were wearing a similar farm girl style dress with Tatum. The skirts barely covered your ass and you and your best friends tits were threatening to rip the buttons of your dress open because of the tight fit.

Billy was sitting on the couch feeling a bit more excited than he thought he'd be, but of course he wasn't gonna let it show so he had a straight face while Stu explained to Randy how he wanted the camera to be angled.

The boys ended up arguing like two idiots about it and Tatum was starting to get impatient; "Guys, get on with it! My tits can't breathe over here!," She complained and Randy rolled his eyes.

"Stu, it's literally fine let's just film this shit already!," Randy argued and Stu sighed; "Fine! If this movie doesn't win an Oscar it's your fault," the boy said and Billy chuckled, disbelief written all over his face. His friend was being delusional with this whole thing at this point.

"Okay, let's do this!," Stu yelled and clapped his hands, making everyone jump at the sudden sound; "Action!"

The camera started rolling and you crawled on the couch from the right next to Billy, kissing his neck softly. You knew that was one of his weak spots and his cock started to get hard instantly.

Tatum crawled next to him from the left and started to rub him over his jeans while you kissed your way to his lips, making out slowly.

You played with each others tongues and moaned softly. His cock was growing impossibly hard and he was starting to get impatient.

Billy ran his hand through Tatum's hair which surprised her, but she didn't break character. He pulled her hair enough to lead her between his legs. The girl smirked in disbelief and started to unbutton your lovers jeans.

You gave Billy one last kiss before sliding down between his legs next to Tatum and helped her finish pulling his pants down to reveal his rock hard cock.

Both of you gasped in unison at the sight.

You took the lead and licked a stripe up his length, kissing the tip softly.

Billy threw his head back and hissed. He was really sensitive and desperate to feel his cock getting sucked and licked by two people. Greedy as ever.

You grabbed his length after teasing him and started to stroke him.

Tatum kissed your cheek to signal you that she was ready to feel your lips against hers. Without hesitating you made out with her. Both of you exaggerated your moans and whines for the camera and started to play with each others tits.

Randy couldn't believe he was experiencing this. He couldn't help but get hard at the sight and whisper; "fuck" once you and Tatum started to continue making out with Billy's cock between yours and her lips.

Billy had his hands between yours and Tatum's hair, but he was focusing on you the whole time.

You looked so fucking gorgeous with his cock pressed against your lips. The way you shared him fed his ego and he loved every second of it. The way you made out with your friend like that around him was pure bliss and he couldn't get enough of your tongue brushing against his length expertly.

You looked like a total slut and felt like one too. You took pride in it, enjoyed every second of sharing his dick like you were, yet it felt like an experience only both of you shared. Selfish as ever.

Billy wasn't going to last any longer with both you and Tatum working magic on his cock and you knew as much, so you placed your hand on one of his thighs and scratched down the flesh to elicit more pleasure from the pain you were inflicting.

"Fuck, baby..." He whispered for you only.

You locked eyes with him and smirked while you licked his length and that just about did it for him.

You and Tatum opened your mouths for Billy and he came all over your faces. You two looked so pretty giggling and sticking your tongues out to collect his seed.

"And that's a wrap!" Stu said and sighed; "That was incredibly hot. I nearly jizzed my pants just looking at ya," he continued and earned glares and smirks from all of you.

Randy locked himself in the bathroom, having to take care of himself and you felt incredible with your work.

•

After a very long shower and dinner you were walking outside admiring the sunset. The orange and pink clouds combined with the dark blue sky. The cool wind brushed against your skin and you felt relaxed.

As you walked along the field the main house of the farm caught your attention.

Curiosity took the best of you and you walked over, circling the structure before climbing up the front porch. The door was open and you peeked inside to see if anyone was home.

Since nobody was in sight you stepped inside and looked at all the old photos lining the wall all the way up the stairs. There was a young couple in most of them, you assumed it was the owner and his wife.

It seemed like the woman was a dancer or some kind of performer. She was very beautiful with her long flowy dresses and brunette hair.

You continued to admire the pictures when all of a sudden you saw a shadow behind you. It startled you and made you turn around quickly, and there she was. The old lady. She had white hair that looked like it was going to fall off her head any second. Her skin was extremely wrinkled and she wore a pink house dress.

"Lemonade?," she said slowly and you nodded, following the woman into the kitchen.

As she poured the juice into the glass it elicited a refreshing sound that made your mouth water. You sat down and drank the whole thing in one go.

"Good?," the lady asked and you nodded, observing her quietly for what seemed like minutes.

"Well, I should go... Thanks for the lemonade," you said as you stood up from the chair and walked towards the door slowly.

The whole exchange was quick yet it seemed like it all happened in slow motion. Something was definitely off but you couldn't quite grasp what it was.

As you approached the front door you felt the lady grab your hand.

You turned around, confusion and slight disgust showing on your face; "He'll kill you first," the woman said and you removed your hand from hers quickly.

"W-What?," you asked, not sure if you heard her right.

"He'll kill you first," she repeated herself and you gasped in fear as the lady grabbed your hand again with force.

"Let me go!," you screamed and ran out of the house as quickly as you could.

As you were approaching the cabin you were staying in you crashed into someone. They steadied you and when you looked up it was Billy. Randy and Stu were looking for you along with him; "Where the fuck were you?!," Billy screamed and all you could do was hold onto him and cry.

"C'mon," he said and pulled you inside the cabin, walking into your room and closing the door behind him.

"YN, what the fuck was that?!," he questioned and you sobbed.

Billy closed his eyes and sighed, calming himself down just enough to hug you and comfort you.

"She... She said he'll kill me first," you managed to say and Billy pulled back, a confused expression on his face.

"What? Who said that?," he asked while studying your face.

"The old lady."

[gold-rhine]

Sub! Ayato x Dom! gn reader

Warnings: not safe for work or minors, edging, bondage, overstimulation, slight degradation, power play, anal sex, spanking. I’m gonna mostly say “cock” for the reader, but it stands for both cock and strap, it’s just unwieldy to specify every time and I usually call strap “cock” irl anyway.

Words: 4k

A\n: repost bc my previous blog got shadowbanned

Ayato is the biggest pillow princess out there. The entitlement on this one.

A connoisseur, seeks the thrill of new combinations of exciting experiences, both physical and mental, but is also a brat. Not in a usual sense of being deliberately antagonistic and difficult, it’s just that if you don’t keep him in check, he will steamroll you with sheer demanding presence, all with a pleasant little smile.

He wants to be surprised and lose control, but also has a compulsive need to plan and manipulate everything from the backstage. So he’s a handful for sure. If you’re into his kind of mind games, he can be exquisite like no one else, but he’s so high-maintenance, just energy and attention-wise, constantly testing your willpower.

“A luxury few can afford” meme, but it's on a diamond-encrusted choker.

You know how his story quest just stops dead to have a Boba Tea Interlude, where he orders tea with the weirdest ingredients and everyone around is openly disgusted? And they could’ve stopped the joke here, but no.

Ayato goes on to have a whole discussion about the nature of pleasure with Paimon, who is btw entirely out of her depth and can only master “Ugh?? Food should taste good?”

And this mf proceeds to argue that actually, things that just straightforwardly feel good are boring. And it’s better to experiment and seek out new interesting experiences that push your limits, even if they end up not feeling good.  And those things that don’t feel good, but in interesting and exciting ways, are better than straightforward good-feeling.

Like, just say you’re into kink and stop confusing poor Paimon. You don’t have to give a whole ass philosophical speech about wanting exciting things that feel bad to be inflicted upon you.

And he likes obedience, sure. A nice service top who just does everything he wants entirely according to a pre-approved script is probably his comfort zone.

But you know what’s a fun thing to do with a bossy brat like him? Tease him. Throw him off his script. Wipe that mild, confident, slightly bored smile off his face and see genuine emotions. See him come undone.

Also, you know he’s so used to being indulged. The experience of being challenged, loss of control, the inability to predict what’s gonna happen next is going to feel much more exciting than a bad-tasting boba tea.

Like, his only friend outside of the circle of people actively dependent on him, like Ayaka and Thoma, is Itto, the most irreverent delinquent in the city. And sure, Ayato tries to minimize the connection in his voice line (bc he’s a fake bitch), but from Itto’s line it’s clear that they are in continuous contact. They are actively hanging out, all the while Ayato doesn’t disclose his station.

Ayato found one dude in the entire city who doesn’t know who he is and is not gonna bow down to him. In fact, he’s gonna treat him in a way that would be considered scandalously rude for a head of the commission. But they are playing Magic the Gathering at a local McDonalds while Yashiro ninjas keep the cashier at a knifepoint so he doesn’t accidentally expose who Ayato really is to Itto.

He obviously wants to be seen for something else than the social image he created when he had to become the leader of his clan. He had to be so tightly wound up and in control all the time, impeccable and untouchable, or not only him, but his closest people would pay the price. Of course he wants to be able to let go, to feel human and imperfect, but accepted with the imperfections nonetheless. He just doesn’t know how, since he’s been living in nothing but a PR performance since he was a young teen.

Unless he’s literally forced to.

Ayato is never gonna admit that he wants to be put in his place, but he will certainly enjoy it.

Specifics-wise, I'm getting strong bondage vibes. Especially rope bondage, shibari knots. Popular choice for the pillow princesses in general, and rope instead of handcuffs gives both interesting texture and flexibility, you can change it up in many ways from session to session to keep it fresh.

But honestly, that’s details. What’s important is the mind games. The power play. The exciting stakes, even if inside of play. The rollercoaster of ups and downs. The push and pull of an invisible leash will matter much more than the physical one.

He’s so casual and calm when you start tying him up, even though he’s already naked. Sometimes you tie him in his clothes ruffled, halfway undone, but today you want his bare skin. You start with his chest and shoulders, and the purple rope looks amazing against his pale flesh.

Nudity doesn’t make him vulnerable though. He stands there languid, loose and long-limbed, follows your instructions to move his hands back so you can tie them with poise and elegance, like he’s getting an expensive suit tailored. Sometimes, you’d want to break his posture, throw him on the floor and fuck him until he’s a screaming mess, and only then finish the bondage.

There are always so many options to consider with Ayato.

But today you want to play the longer prelude. You know that the slow, almost ritualistic adjusting of the ropes over his body winds him up even if he doesn’t show it.

You work on tying his hands behind his back, then move to his torso. The ropes over ribs and stomach don’t actually hold much, but by god, they look pretty, the rhombs in the center and the violet lines going across his taut muscles.

You move deliberately slowly, handling him with long practiced firmness and effectiveness, except for the fleeting moments when your fingers linger, lightly trace the lines of his body, but leave before he can even react. A stroke from his sharp collarbones to the shoulders, a flick on the pink nipples, a caress across the sculpted abs.

This is a game where you almost pretend to be professional, and he almost keeps up the indifference. It’s a shaky pyramid of glass, barely balancing on the edge, the anticipation of waiting for exactly when it’ll fall down and shatter into tiny pieces.

The fun part about this is watching his cock hardening with your every move, how it slowly grows from soft to aroused, pointing up on his stomach. He can pretend to be indifferent all he wants, you have the evidence of how much he needs this right there.

He watches you intensely, even if it’s only in half-glances, his upper body is already covered in an intricate, beautiful harness.  

“Lean against the table and lift your leg, please”, you direct him to the high table beside the bed and he obeys with the same casual confidence. You tie his ankle to his thigh, moving the rope across the tender, sensitive skin of the inner thigh, and watch his cock twitch and redden. You then continue to fix his bent leg with ropes so that it’s pushed sideways and keeps his thigh open, working slow, methodical. He’s almost fully hard by the time you’re done.

“Violet really is your color,” you say casually, and slide the rope between his legs, under his balls and between his asscheeks. “Really brings out your eyes.”

His hips flinch, his cock fully erect now, but his voice is even and mild when he answers, “So nice of you to approve.”

It’s a stalemate of sorts, who is going to expose themselves first, but you have the advantage of not being naked, tied, and unable to close your legs. The chances are in your favor even against the calculating Yashiro commissioner.

You smile and lay your hand on his hipbone. He expects you to move to his dick and when you don’t, glances down and back up at your face in a politely hidden frustration.

“I’d prefer to continue this on the proper bed,” he says, still calmly, but with an insistent undercurrent in his tone, like a VIP client demanding a luxury section of the restaurant.

The fucking entitlement. Exactly what you were waiting for.

“Oh,” you smile, deceptively soft and lift your hand to stroke his sharp cheekbones. “You’d prefer the bed?”

He senses the shift in your tone, his muscles tightening, but he doesn’t flinch away. Not just entitled, but so self-assured too.

“Yes,” he answers, holding up your gaze. “I think it’d be beneficial to the both of us.”

You smile wider, from soft to mocking, “I wasn’t aware of your priorities,” your voice is calm, but when you swipe your thumb across his lips, it’s harsh, applying enough pressure to force his mouth open.

Your other hand finally grabs his cock, roughly, sending a jolt through his entire body. You stroke him and slide your fingers down between his legs, cup his balls and then move farther, to his tight hole, to show that everything he has is open to you.

“I was under the impression that you want to be fucked,” you say, looking into his eyes and he breathes out through the mouth you’re still keeping open.

You smile again and remove your hand from between his legs. “But apparently you just want the bed. Perhaps I should just leave you there alone like this.”

His eyes are stormy violet, but his body leans so receptively against you, shudders with obvious need. The tip of his cock is leaking pearly precum.

“I never said that,” he answers with strained tightness in his voice.

You sigh and lean into him, pressed close enough to feel him struggling not to arch into you, and tenderly kiss his lower lip, then the tiny mole under it.

“Then stop making demands or I’ll shut your pretty mouth.”

He looks so scandalized, it’d be funny if it wasn’t so hot. His mouth *is* really pretty, especially half-open and breathing heavily like this. It’s a challenge, almost a dare. ‘Oh, you think this is bad? Just wait for what I do next’.

You don’t tell him that, though. Why ruin a nice surprise.

You step back a little, grab him, turn him around and throw him roughly over the table, enjoying his shocked gasp. The elegant porcelain vase that was standing on the edge falls down and breaks, delicate petals of white camellias that were kept there scattering on the floor. You press your hand between Ayato’s shoulderblades, keeping him in place when he struggles to move, and hoist his tied leg up on the table, forcing him to balance on his free leg, his ass entirely exposed. He glares angrily at you over the shoulder, his cheek pressed to the table, but you just smile and arch your eyebrow expectantly, looking over him splayed like that in front of you.

It sends shivers to his core, the rough handling, demeaning exposure of being bent over the desk like a common whore, the anticipation of being used, but not knowing how exactly… But he will try to keep up the appearances even like that.

“This was an expensive vase”, he says flatly.

You lean down, still smiling, and close your hand over his dick, squeeze painfully so that he arches, his thighs shudder. “More expensive than this cock?”

“...No,” he finally lets out, strained.

“Then I can afford it,” you tell him with a smirk and watch with satisfaction an angry blush appearing on his cheeks. It’s only the beginning, though. Time to escalate.

You move away and and soon come back, catching his jaw and forcing a gag into his mouth. His indignant protests are muffled, but still loud enough.

“What’s wrong, your Highness?” you ask pleasantly, looking into his stormy eyes and stroking the exposed curve of his asscheek while he writhes in front of you. “I told you I’ll shut your mouth if you make demands, so you thought you can keep talking back at me if you don’t technically demand anything, because you’re so clever?”

You can see in his affronted glare that it’s exactly what he thought. You grin at him and slap the skin you were just caressing. He yelps, a sound choked by the gag, tries to move, but you press your hand against the back of his neck, pinning him to the table, as you keep laying blows across his ass and thighs. His flesh is so pale and tender, a true aristocrat, it turns a bright red immediately, in gorgeous contrast with the dark ropes.

When he shuts his eyes, long lashes squeezed tightly, and his grunts turn from protesting to shaky, you start alternating pain with caresses. You stroke the skin that is still stinging from a hit a second ago, slide your fingers between his legs to cup his balls, grab his painfully hard, leaking dick. The noises he makes, tiny muffled half-gasps, half-moans, are delicious. He bucks his hips as you twist the sensitive head of his cock with one hand and strike his ass with the other. This time his moan is loud, needy.

“So nice of you to approve,” you say teasingly and reach for the lube. You pour it on your fingers and press them against his hole. He tenses in anticipation, you see the muscles of his tied arms strain against the ropes. You start massaging his entrance and run your free hand over the sharp knobs on his spine.

“Relax,” you tell him softly and slide your fingers inside. Shudder runs through his body, his back arching, forehead pressed to the table and hair falling to cover his face. You lean down to kiss a small mole on the back of his shoulder, your fingers working inside of him, opening him up, hitting the sweet spot until he whimpers, his hips twitching under you. You lightly bite his shoulder and with your free hand you grab the criss-crossed ropes on his back and pull them slowly, making them taut, pressed harshly against his skin, so that he moans hoarsely, clenches around your fingers. You fuck him faster and faster, watch how the trembling turns into writhing and moans grow louder.

“Are you already close, your Highness?” you hook your fingers inside him, and he arches deliriously, exquisitely, thrusting into your hand. You can tell that he’s on the edge and you slap his ass harshly.

“Come on, cum for me then,” you tell him and drag your nails over his sensitive, stinging flesh. He comes with a long, shaky scream barely muffled by the gag, and goes limp under your hands.

You take your fingers out of his ass and gag out of his mouth, and smile, looking at his trembling form sprawled on the table.

“I’m sorry, did you say something? I didn’t quite get it.”

He coughs a little, his throat dry from screaming, breathing heavily through his mouth to regain his composure, then swallows harshly and licks his lips.

“My title is not “Highness”,” he finally says, meeting your eyes, his voice a little hoarse, but still haughty. You can’ help but smile. He couldn’t very well say he screamed because he loved how you fucked him, but there’s no one else who could be bent over the table and fucked like that, turned into a screaming, writhing mess, and then still glare at you with this dignified primness, all the while with his ass still exposed and arched up.

“Why not?” you turn him over and pull him up by the rope harness on his chest, so that he’s standing up face to face with you.

“I’m not a prince, obviously,” he says calmly, rolling his eyes just so, and you chuckle, catch his chin and trail kisses down his jawline teasingly, your body pressed flat against him.

“You are to me,” you tell him, grinning, and this earns a fond, surprised chuckle from him. You kiss his smiling mouth, and he answers eagerly back, his tongue sliding against yours, his body arching in your hands.

Ayato doesn’t really have a praise kink, but he loves to be complimented and feel special for the reasons other than his heritage or political status, especially from the people who otherwise treat him as equal. The pointed irreverence is what makes the endearment count.

“I’ll even get you to the bed, isn’t it a royalty treatment that you wanted?” you tell him, breaking the kiss, turn him and push him down, so that he falls on the bed next to the table. He lands on the mass of pillows, and grins with a smug satisfaction, a cat that’s gotten what he wanted.

It’s worth getting him to the bed for the view alone, though. He’s insanely gorgeous, sprawled on the dark silk like that, pale sculpted body against the sleek black of the sheets, managing to look both elegant and ravished, the red marks from your touch decadently obscene on his tender skin, light hair looking even better when disheveled. The temptation to just fuck him right there, wreck him immediately, roughly, is immense.

But that’s obviously what he wants. He knows how exquisite he is, the honed, cherished masterpiece, the way he looks at you from under half lowered eyelids, languorous, confident, not even as much demanding, as sure you won’t be able to resist him.

Is he worth the trouble? Gods yes. But it doesn’t mean you’ll play along to his tune.

You kneel over him, kiss his soft, expectant lips, run your hands over him greedily. You move your mouth down, to claim what’s eagerly offered to you, the arch of his neck, the slopes of his delicate collarbones, the broad chest, heavily rising as he breathes feverishly, pink nipples, hardened under your caress, sculpted abs and carved hipbones.

He’s throbbing hard when you get down there, but you don’t touch his dick. You reach for the rope and start tying his free leg in the same position, ankle to the thigh.

He groans in frustration, rolls his head back on the silken pillows, he’s breathing heavily, impatient. You kiss the line from his exposed inner thigh to the tender juncture where his leg meets the torso, and finish up the knots. He trembles under your touch, arches as much as he can, fixated as he is.

You raise from the bed and step back, admiring your handiwork. He’s splayed on the bed, thighs forced open, shoulders slightly drawn back and chest arched due to his hands being tied behind his back, his gorgeous long cock is throbbing hard, violet ropes drawn over his body like the edges on the luminous stained glass, he’s breathing feverishly from his parted, swollen mouth, silver-blue hair falling around his face like a tangled halo, his eyes a wild, delirious lavender.

You sit back in a chair and watch over him with a smile, as he struggles and finally lets out, huskily. “What are you waiting for?”

“I remember we had an agreement. I get you to the bed and leave you there by yourself,” you say, smirking, and meet his angry glare.

“You wouldn’t,” he grits out.

“Why not?”

“You wouldn’t…” he stops himself, takes a deep breath, licking his lips, realizing that saying ‘You wouldn’t dare’ could only spur you on. “What would you gain from it?”

He really thinks that fucking him is the limit of human aspirations. You smile teasingly.

“Oh, for a start, I’d enjoy immensely watching you writhe and beg desperately like a common slut, my princeling. Maybe I’ll roll you onto a pillow and tease you until you start humping it like a dog.”

His eyes widen, horrified, breath catching in his throat at the imagined humiliation. Oh, this is too good. You should absolutely do it to him. But not today. Let him stew in this thought, be both aroused when he thinks about it afterwards and appalled at his own desire, let him wait with a baited breath if you do it to him for the next few sessions, be both relieved and - secretly - a little disappointed that you don’t. Then you can spring it on him when he least expects this.

It always pays off to play the long game with Ayato.

You don’t show your decision though, sitting impassively yet, watching him squirm.

“Don’t do it,” he breezes out, looking you in the eyes, biting his lip, almost anxiously for someone always so confident as him.

“Convince me then,” you tell him with a smirk, move to sit on the edge of the bed, looming over him, but not touching.

“Please,” he manages, strained. “I’m so close. Let me finish.”

You scoff, lean down and run your thumb over his cheekbones teasingly. He trembles nonetheless, too overstimmed and wound up, raw and sensitive to every touch, his eyes hazy from desire, his breath laborious.

“Is that the best you can do? Is this your famed eloquence? If so, it’s not giving me much motivation.”

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, licks his dry lips. When he meets your eyes again, he doesn’t look necessarily calm or collected, but focused, determined, his raw hunger sharpened into a thin cutting edge.

“Please, I want you to fuck me,” he says, his voice deep, low, shameless, almost purring. “Take me, fuck me hard, wreck me, I beg of you. I am yours to use.”

You can barely restrain yourself to let him finish the sentence before you claim his mouth. You move to position yourself between his legs and slide your strap\cock into him, slowly, but forcefully, in one long thrust. He arches under you and you drink a sweet, shuddering moan from his lips. You fuck him hard, quickening the pace, gripping the ropes that are digging into his hips, and his moans turn into erratic, desperate screams, his head lolling back helplessly

You lean down to him, slide your hand into his hair and tug, forcing him to expose his throat, close your other hand over his leaking cock, feel him choke on his breath and tremble feverishly, his open, tied legs shaking.

“That’s right, come for me, baby,” you tell into his ear, his soft hair tickling your face as he leans into you. You roll your hips, cock buried deep inside him, and squeeze his dick. “Let me see you fall apart.”

He comes, crying out against your skin, trying desperately to thrust into your hand. You stroke him through it until pleasure becomes blinding as the pain and he starts trashing under you, whimpering incoherent pleas, completely unraveled.

He goes limp when you slide out of him and get to untying the ropes. You get to the knots on his upper back when he turns to you over the shoulder, catches your mouth in a softly tired, lazy kiss.

“How are you?” you ask, undoing the last knots. “Limbs didn’t fall asleep?”

“No, I’m fine,” he says mildly, but his fingers close on your forearm, asking you to stay close a little longer. You circle your arm around his shoulders in reassurance and he leans into you. You kiss his temple softly, and he smells of expensive perfume, sweat and an incoming summer rain, that didn’t yet catch you, but already echoes in the wind.

You glance down at him, because he is too quiet, and sure enough, he’s thinking. And not just thinking, his lips are pressed, eyelids half-closed, but tight around the corners, brows furrowed just so. Oh no. This is the Strategizing face.

“Ayato, don’t do your fucking deluge thing or I swear to fucking gods! No, it’s not a suitable substitute for a shower, you absolute…”

“I wasn’t going to!” he laughs with an exaggeratedly affronted look, breaking the concentration. “You made your opinion perfectly clear last time, no need to yell at me again.”

“Then what are you scheming about?”

He doesn’t try to deny that he’s scheming.

“I want you to choke me next time,” he says matter of factly.

“We’ve discussed this before. Your skin is too tender, marks are going to be too obvious.”

“I’m going to get a high-collared outfit.”

“Do they even make collars that go right under the chin?”’

“Of course they don’t,” he scoffs. “I will get one custom-ordered.”

You laugh. “Of course you will, your Highness. Is there going to be a new fashion trend in Inazuma city because the Yashiro commissioner really wants to have his pretty throat choked?”

“It’s a good look anyway, so I don’t see the problem. As a fallback option, there are some suitable paints I can get from our festival supplies. And of course, if all else fails I can always blame it on the assassination attempt.”

“I wish you were more careful about the assassins than the custom-made collars.”

“I don’t even get that many assassins these days,” he shrugs dismissively with one shoulder, the other pressed against you. “Just a few Fatui strugglers, grasping at the straws. They are bound to run out soon.”

“I still don’t know if you’ve planned this thoroughly enough,” you tease him. “What if you cause an international diplomatic incident by accusing the Fatui of trying to kill you by choking and spanking your ass?”

You catch a sharp elbow under your ribs, but it’s worth it.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Flying Too Close To the Moon (a Baizhu character analysis)

Over a year ago now, in February of 2023, Genshin Impact's twitter account posted about a certain green-haired doctor from Liyue with a snake, announcing that he was at long last going to become playable. *narrator voice* Little did I know at that point just how much my life was going to be ruined changed by this man, something I never could have fathomed in all my time of playing before.

Today, by the time of Baizhu's birthday, almost a year since his release, he has never left my team and is one of my ultimate comfort characters... and at the same time, paradoxically, fills me with such intense feelings of dread, if I ever think just a little too hard about him for a little too long.

This is my experience with him.

From the beginning, I wasn't one of the people who had been anxiously awaiting for Baizhu's release. I'd always been curious about him, and thought he was beautiful (but lol who in this game isn't?), but there was practically nothing to know, and he appeared so little, so not being an existing fan, I didn't think much about him compared to other more prominent characters. With that first drip marketing, however, I was suddenly instantly intrigued:

"Regrettably, Baizhu cannot save all his patients — himself, for example. Herbalist Gui has mentioned that Baizhu's physical condition is extremely poor, and he often has to go back to his residence to rest after seeing patients. Even so, his smile never falters while in front of people. When Gui asked him about this, he replied, "If the doctor looks sick himself, how can his patients face their illnesses with confidence?" Day after day, Baizhu heals his patients. His ever-present smile hides the numerous bitter medicines he takes and the pain he suffers alone."

What's this, Baizhu is a doctor who is also sick himself? He has a chronic illness?? Finally I have a disabled character in a video game I can play as and relate to??? Not to mention the DELICIOUS angst potential the (absolutely devastating) last sentence held. Unfortunately, because my lazy ass rarely ever talks to npcs outside of quests, I was completely unaware of this very important little fact about Baizhu, learned via Herbalist Gui that had been in the game since literally 1.0, but to say that I was excited upon finally learning it now was an understatement. This changed everything, turning a character I had previously only had a passing interest in into someone I felt like I might be able to connect with, and a character I could truly call my own. Previously, my favorite Genshin character was Zhongli — he was my very first limited 5* and I started the game pretty much because I was interested in him lol — but just from this short summary alone, I had a strong feeling that Baizhu had the potential to surpass him, and become my new favorite.

My initial impressions from everything we knew about Baizhu pre-release (for how little that was) were that he was a kind, selfless doctor who didn't want others to see his weakness, but in secret was striving for immortality in order to save his own life from his severe illness. Qiqi seemed to be someone he observes to further his research in gaining said immortality, but his love and care for her still feels sincere, although he can never properly convey this in words because, to me at least, he's keeping himself at a distance from her and others so as to not hurt them too much if he passed away. Baizhu tearing out Qiqi's journal entry about him being a good person so that she doesn't dwell on and remember such things about him seemed to support this, as well.

Upon release, we also had Dainsleif's lines about Baizhu in his collected miscellany video, which made me emotional as well: Dain, someone who is cursed with and suffers daily from immortality that he never asked for, respects Baizhu's desire for immortality himself, because for him it would be freedom from the pain and suffering he already experiences, seemingly. Most people want immortality for selfish reasons, but for Baizhu, I thought, it's out of a desire to save his very life, and in turn save more people as a doctor in the future. It's human, understandable, and the mark of an incredibly caring and altruistic person, and Baizhu wanting to heal himself is something to be sympathized with, especially if you can relate to his pain.

This part in particular from his demo was so powerful to me: the defiance of his fate, of his death, and the display of his continued strength of will and resolve, and even skill in battle, no matter how physically weak he may be. Though he still has his doubts and his guilt, here he says "I will not die, I will beat the odds, and no one can decide my fate for me, nor can they shake my resolve."

All of this only made me love him more and more. I was hoping we would get to see his insecurities and fears about his condition and his possible fate, and that he would learn to allow himself to be cared for by those who loved him — to realize at least a little bit more that he will never be a burden on others, because the guilt over such things is all too real for someone with a disability or chronic illness. His non-spoiler voice lines were so comforting and hopeful, and I wanted his story to be hopeful as well, without going as far as to magically cure him like what unfortunately happened with Collei.

That was what I wanted. More or less, that was what I expected, especially with the copious other examples of the "overworked character learns they need to take a break and feel supported by the traveler" storyline in Genshin insert the waifu baizhu (waifzhu?) jokes here.

And then, I played Baizhu's story quest.

.....No image in the world can fully sum up exactly how I felt after that, but, well, I think Paimon here is the closest I can get.

I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember standing there, at the bottom of the steps leading up to the pharmacy where the end of the quest left me, not knowing how to feel. Feeling completely numb. Feeling like I'd just gotten punched in the gut a million times over. Feeling sick. Call me overdramatic, too overly attached to fiction, whatever, but no words can possibly convey just how much the revelations about Baizhu in his quest fucked me up. I did not feel good for quite a few days after playing it, as it haunted me, as I turned it over and over again in my mind. Not just the information given itself, but how it was given; the entire tone of it all. At some point I was finally able to make myself cry, and it was only then that I felt at least marginally better. But I'd be lying if I said that I've ever truly and fully processed and let sunk in everything to do with Baizhu, even a year later.... and I doubt that I ever will.

Don't get me wrong: Baizhu's story quest is without a doubt one of the best story quests in the game so far, and that's not at all bias speaking. It's short, to the point, uses npcs effectively and in a way that helps develop the main character instead of taking all the spotlight over them, and it leaves setup for more story in the future. For a Baizhu fan, it's the best quality one could ask for. It's the most we've ever learned about him, the most screentime he's ever had, and it emotionally and tenderly shows exactly what kind of person he is, and why he is the way he is, and does the things he does.

It's also absolutely horrific, and to this day I'm still not entirely certain exactly what message the writers wanted the player to take away from it by the end.

The quest introduces us to a boy and his father, Ayu and Jialiang, the latter of whom Baizhu wishes to treat, partly as a personal favor to his late master and to said master's other past disciple, the mother of the family, Jiangli. Through Baizhu's handling of their case, and talking to Hu Tao, we learn that Baizhu is not only obsessed with attaining immortality, but that he supposedly uses less-than-reputable methods to heal patients, methods that he keeps tightly under wraps. This, along with all the strange research he does that seemingly has nothing to do with the medical field, has given him a suspicious reputation — the game subtly lampshading the fandom seeing him as nothing more than a sketchy snake doctor ever since the beginning — but no one has ever been able to dig deep enough to find any proof that he has any ulterior motives, not even Yelan; thus, the ultimate consensus is that he truly must be nothing more than a kind and benevolent doctor who has his patients' best interests at heart, no matter what else he's doing in the background. Upon Baizhu treating Jialiang for the first time, however, we’re directly confronted with this secret, dubious healing method he uses, and what exactly it means for Baizhu, as with all the masters that came before him.

To say my stomach dropped here would be an understatement, because I knew exactly what this meant. And sure enough, not a few minutes later in the quest, we get the dreaded truth:

Baizhu’s poor physical condition is not from natural causes; rather, he is as weak as he is because he’s made himself that way. Changsheng is a former adeptus he made a contract with, that allows the host to transfer some of their own life force from themselves to someone else, using Changsheng as the conduit. The contract is meant to strengthen the body of the host and extend their lifespan, however these advantages effects are outweighed by Baizhu, and all his predecessors before him, repeatedly giving away their life force to heal others, causing them to become frail and inevitably die young. The contract has always been used in this way, and all of its prior users all met the same untimely end; Baizhu is at no less risk of that.... which is why he wants to become immortal, so he can continue to heal people with the forbidden arte without fear of death.

This would already be a Lot as it is. Trading away one's life force to save another isn't exactly a brand new trope, but the idea of a doctor doing it over and over again to save lives when all else fails, even to the detriment of their own body.... It's the ultimate act of selflessness, of kindness, of sacrifice. It's touching. It's laudable. It's devastating, to a degree one can't even imagine.

Because Baizhu doesn't just stop there, as we find out at the end of the quest.

How do you expect me to read this—

and additionally this—

and also this...

...and not have it occupy my mind 24/7, sending me in a downward never-ending spiral of existential horror, for all of eternity?? just like Baizhu himself—

While it's heavily implied that all the contract users prior to Baizhu only ("only") used it one-way, to give their own life force to others, Baizhu has taken it a step further, and also been using Changsheng to transfer his patients' diseases and illnesses onto himself. This likely is a more effective way of "curing" some of them entirely, instead of simply delaying their symptoms' worsening with more life force, although he cannot take on the worst of them/terminal illnesses of course. But he has taken on so, so many, so many diseases and so many symptoms, all compounding and blending together to the point that Jiangli, another doctor just as skilled as Baizhu, cannot even distinguish them all or recognize some of them, that he might as well be terminal. Not only does Baizhu do this for the sake of his patients, but he's also using his body as a human petri dish, testing different diseases and poisons on himself to see how they interact with each other, both to create more effective medicines and understand the mechanisms of the human body better, and to perhaps find the secret to immortality.

This reveal at the end of the quest is presented as an awe-inspiring, poignant twist, that's meant to make you see Baizhu in a brand-new light. The animated cutscene is tear-jerking, bittersweet, yet beautiful, as we finally come to understand the full scope of just who Doctor Baizhu is, just how truly pure and selfless he is, and just how much he has sacrificed, and plans to sacrifice forevermore. Many people who weren't fans of Baizhu or were neutral on him had their minds completely changed upon this bombshell being dropped, it rightfully clearing away any and all misunderstandings about him somehow being a bad person, and fostering newfound respect for him. That's the best word to use for how the game portrays all this: respectable. Baizhu's situation is tragic, but his actions are nevertheless shown and seen as beautiful, and admirable. His self-sacrifice is to be praised, and honored, because he is doing it for the good of so many others, because his heart is just that big, and that caring. It's bittersweet, but Baizhu is determined, and we should respect his resolve.

But should we really?

Yelan would disagree, I believe. Which is ironic, considering that in her own story quest, Baizhu transfers poison into himself from Uncle Tian with her there, and she is none the wiser.

Just... really stop and think about the implications of what Baizhu is doing to himself, and the life he lives. Try to imagine it, how it would feel, to be inundated with that many diseases and toxins, to the point that all of your internal organs are diseased; to the point that you have every symptom imaginable, sometimes all at once. Now, take that, and imagine living that kind of hell with it progressively worsening, for all of eternity, as Baizhu wants to do.

You can't fathom it. To say that it's beyond human comprehension is an understatement. And yet, that is Baizhu's reality, every single day, and if he has his way, for the rest of time.

This is not okay.

What truly frightens me about Baizhu, is how.... empty he feels. He is kind, gentle, nurturing, and a bit flamboyant and mischievous at times, but he has essentially no personality traits or life outside of "being a doctor". All of his voicelines involve him giving health advice, or looking after us or others, or discussing the troubles he encounters in the medical field, or his hobbies, which involve... making medicine. While there's nothing wrong per se with a doctor truly enjoying their job — it's what makes Baizhu such a good caretaker, after all — their life and personality never revolves entirely around that. People have their own lives outside of their professions, that don't involve said professions, even the most enthusiastic and genuine of workers. But Baizhu..... doesn't have anything else. For Baizhu, being a doctor is all that he is.

Nothing is more subtly chilling than this joke Changsheng makes (that gets reinforced by Paimon later), where she calls Baizhu her "mannequin" — and especially the way that Baizhu doesn't comment on it at all, merely continuing to look like a guilty child getting scolded for being reckless. Because a mannequin is an eerily accurate description of Baizhu: he is not a person of his own, but merely a vessel for her power. "Baizhu" does not exist outside of his role as a healer; he has no other life, no other aspirations, no other joys and things to care about, nothing. Even though he's a pillar in Liyue Harbor that is beloved by the community, especially by the children, he's also in a sense practically a ghost: he is never seen outside of taking care of people in some way, because he never lets anyone see him at his sickest, and he has no sense of self outside of that role as a doctor. He is distanced from everyone, almost as though he was already immortal.... he could die at any time, frighteningly easily, and to him, no one would notice or care. As depressing as it is, even Qiqi, a literal zombie, is more alive and has a much more fulfilling life at this point than Baizhu does.

Many of Baizhu's voicelines are dripping with casual self-deprecation, and others with extreme hypocrisy, where he will express frustration and disappointment at others not being diligent in taking care of themselves, completely oblivious to his own extreme levels of self-harm and self-sacrifice. Of course, as mentioned earlier, feelings of inadequacy and being a burden are tragically not unusual for someone with significant health problems, but it goes far, far beyond this for Baizhu, before he was ever ill — all the way back to his childhood. Baizhu's hometown was struck by a plague when he was young, from which he was seemingly one of the only survivors, and his obsession with wanting to save each and every life he comes across that needs saving, no matter the cost to himself, is likely born from the trauma and extreme survivor's guilt that the event instilled in him. It was during this plague that he encountered his former master, and in training under and being influenced by him, he adopted these harmful mentalities (through no fault of his or his master, to be clear), without ever being given any other way to cope with his pain, other than to do everything in his power to never let anyone else die ever again.

Again, Yanfei sums it up best.

The true tragedy of Baizhu is that, although he wholeheartedly agrees with his late master's sentiment, and truly believes that he himself is headed down a different path from his predecessors, at the end of the day, he is no different from them, nor is his chosen path any different from theirs. As he states, those with the most altruistic and purest of hearts are the ones seduced by the contract, and he, too, has fallen victim to Changsheng's siren song: the allure of reaching beyond human means to prevent death. He believes he has found the solution to the conundrum of saving both the world at large and the one doing the saving, but he's merely fallen into the trap just like all the others: even if he doesn't die, he is still sacrificing himself, cursing himself to a fate unimaginably worse than death itself. After all, as he says, the contract can't erase pain from the world entirely, but merely transfer it from one place to another, and Baizhu is living proof of that. If his master could see what he's doing, he most definitely would be heartbroken at the "answer" Baizhu has found, because a life isn't saved if it's merely surviving, and not living.

All of this began from Baizhu, selfless and benevolent as he is, wishing to save a snake. Changsheng is a dear friend, a being so closely intertwined with his very soul, and his closest connection to his late master, and yet she is also the very thing that's killing him, and will inevitably be his doom, in whichever way that comes. Baizhu being who he is means he will never abandon her, and Changsheng will never leave him as well, her worry over the fate of her host overwhelmed by her fear of death and her desire to live on, which is how the contract has persisted for six generations. It is a toxic bond, and yet their care for each other is too great, both parties accepting the misery that awaits them. Changsheng knows that any of the cycles could be her last, but cannot help but seek out new ones in order to continue living — and Baizhu intends to make that "last" be a reality, by living forever, to make sure that Changsheng will also never die, but also that no one else can take on the contract after him. He wants his cake and to eat it too, wishing to save anyone and everyone — and he fully believes that he can. He believes that he is headed towards the light of the moon, escaping the flames of the sun.

But the moon is still ever-so-far away regardless. Perhaps even impossible to reach, if Teyvat's sky truly is fake. No matter where he aims, even if he isn't burned, Baizhu is destined to fall eventually, if he keeps going the way he is. Many people have tried to warn him, to convince him that immortality isn't what he deserves, to convince him of how much he's loved... but Baizhu is too stubborn; too, ironically, selfish in his selflessness. He insists he has everything under control, that he won't let himself die... but how can anyone believe that, when all the signs suggest that he's already on death's door? And even if he does get his wish, and be granted immortality, will he truly be content like he thinks he will, endlessly suffering with only Changsheng by his side?

I don't think the writers ever intended to glorify Baizhu's actions, or at least, I don't think it occurred to them that it could be read in that way. I do still mean it when I say he is one of the best-written characters in the game, because there is so much care given to him in his story quest and to his lore, even if, frustratingly and tragically, Hoyoverse as a whole doesn't seem to care about him at all. He's so fun to play as, and in isolation, it makes me very happy to have a canonically disabled playable character. But I'm also so, so haunted by him, and I think more people would be as well, if the game didn't gloss over the incredibly bleak reality of Baizhu and his symptoms due to the overall lighthearted tone of Genshin. I desperately need to see where they're going to take his arc, if they intend to at all, because there is so much potential for it, and right now it's very much up in the air. I don't want him to die, as I fear he's close to, but I need him to heal, and finally learn that he's done enough, and that he can finally, finally, stop. Stop torturing himself, and finally accept for himself all the love he's given others for so long now, and live. I want Baizhu to live more than anything, and not the way he is now, nor as a cursed immortal. I want him to live, and thrive, and truly, unapologetically, be himself (whoever that "Baizhu" is), and be happy.

He already has someone worth living for, right here, aside from Changsheng. He has a daughter, a family, who love him, not to mention an entire city, and and I dearly wish he could realize that. I wish he could know how comforting he is to me and so many others, and how important he is to us, not because of what he can do, but because of his beautiful heart. 💔

Happy Birthday, Baizhu. Thank you for being such an incredible healer on my team, and I hope we'll see you in Chenyu Vale one day :')💚

[saninthebuilding]

"i got you" - bakugou

summary: life is shit. but there's bakugou

word count: 1k

warnings: swearing, emotions (ew), angst to fluff, hurt/comfort, self-deprecating thoughts, rough head-space, mental health issues (?), pre-established relationship

a/n: self-indulgent late night drabble bc i am so tired. in need of editing, which will be done later. i just needed this right now.

a/n 2.0: edited!

hope you enjoy it <3

-

i could feel it getting worse again.

the slow pull of life weighing me down as the days went by. it started with not feeling as hungry as i normally would- and i was a foodie, so that was a huge red flag. of course, me being me, i ignored it, excusing that feeling for feeling full from previous meals. then it progressed into me not enjoying my everyday hobbies, like drawing and reading. and now it has gotten really bad, because i was unable to summon the energy to do simple daily tasks, like getting out of bed.

i was slipping.

lying down with my head on my pillow, i stared up at the ceiling, my mind blank.

why did i come up here again?

i didn't know.

i didn't know anything anymore.

what the hell was i doing?

shaking my head, trying to get my thoughts in order, i forced myself to focus. to pay attention to the colour of the ceiling. to acknowledge how soft my bed was beneath me. to breathe.

since when was that so hard?

my phone rang from somewhere beside me, but i ignored it. i had no wish to reach over to grab it, just to entertain whoever was on the other end of the line.

hell, i couldn't even entertain myself anymore.

but it rang again.

and then again.

and again.

groaning, i rolled over and snatched it up from the folds in my sheets, only to put it on silent and shove it away from me.

finally.

falling back onto my pillow, i let out a heavy exhale, feeling my back press into the mattress beneath me. my chest rose and fell in time with my deep breaths, and i closed my eyes.

oh right. i was trying to go to sleep.

letting out a harsh laugh that lacked true amusement to an empty room, i turned onto my side, placing my hand under my cheek

this week had been hell.

my parents had been chewing me out for something stupid that i'd done a week ago. i had no clue what it was, probably something i said when i wasn't paying attention.

you never pay attention.

my teacher was on my ass about getting an oral presentation done, even though she knew i had some form of anxiety when it came to public speaking.

you can't even talk to people properly? pathetic.

and worst of all, i had been slacking in hero training these few days. it was clear the lack of food, sleep and overall energy was catching up to me.

useless.

gritting my teeth, i closed my eyes in an attempt to get rid of the constant stream of self-deprecating thoughts in my head.

if i really tried, maybe i could get better.

if i wanted it bad enough, i could be happy again.

could i?

because i was just so tired.

so fucking tired.

of everything.

sleeping for the rest of my life sounds nice.

a knock at my window jolted me upright, my vision blurring for a split second due to the sudden movement. i spun toward the noise, only to see a spiky-haired blonde crouched on my windowsill, glaring at me through the glass with angry red eyes.

shit. what's he doing here?

bakugou kept glaring at me, his gaze practically screaming all the things he would do to me if i didn't open the fucking window. reluctantly, i forced myself to my feet, swaying a little as i walked over to open the window.

"to what do i owe the pleasure?" i asked, putting on a teasing tone.

bakugou saw right through it.

"cut it out and let me in," he grumbled as he jumped down from the ledge and into my room. "you let yourself in" i muttered, but shut the window behind him nonetheless.

"why did you ignore my calls?" he asked, the irritation he was feeling making itself known through his voice.

"i was sleeping" i said, the lie coming easily. or trying to.

he rolled his eyes, turning away from me, but stopped short. he took one look around my room, assessing the messy bed, my training clothes dumped unceremoniously on the floor, and my homework spread out haphazardly on my desk, and before turning to me.

surprisingly, his gaze was soft, prior annoyance forgotten.

"what the fuck is going on?" he asked quietly.

and it was those words that undid me.

i felt everything i'd been pushing down come rushing up, and i only managed to take two steps towards my bed before collapsing to the floor.

bakugou caught me before i hit the ground.

"oi, oi" he breathed, his arms wrapped around my upper body in an attempt to keep me upright- "what the fuck happened?"

i buried my face in his shoulder, inhaling the scent of slightly burned caramel that seemed to follow him wherever he went, and felt tears beginning to stream down my face.

i was crying. great.

he guided me to sit on the bed, before leaning back against the headboard with me. without question, he pulled the covers over the both of us, before holding me close, and letting me cry.

the silence in my room was almost deafening, save for my muffled sniffling due to his black tank top. i could feel his biceps under my arms, and his chest firm against my hands.

screw him for having his muscles out at this ungodly hour.

"you know," he said after a while, "you could have told me. i would have come here long before it got like this."

trying hard not to hiccup, i shook my head from where i lay on his chest. "no, i-"

"don't be stubborn with me" bakugou groused, before shifting so he could look down at me, "you wouldn't be bothering me or some shit."

i stared up at him, before turning away.

"i'm sorry."

"shut it. the fuck you sorry for? i got you, alright."

and despite everything, i let myself smile just a little.

"i love you" i whispered.

there was a moment of silence, before he hugged me to his chest and placed a soft kiss to the top of my head.

"i love you too, y/n."

[physalian]

I’m sure it’s applicable to so many other fields so here I am (probably over-sharing) trying to raise awareness to burnout and the need for mental health breaks:

Almost a month ago, things weren’t bad, they were going well. I was racing to get my first book up for preorder, knowing that doing so wouldn’t necessarily get me sales, but it did give me time to do a little marketing with the proof copy and leave room to fix the last few things that popped up while I waited.

I was too exhausted from that sprint to even properly enjoy the monumental milestone of getting that preorder submitted on time. I just wanted to go to bed with like, zero human support systems to help me out because everyone I know is too depressed to help themselves. Depression might not literally be contagious but as the only one I know who has their shit together, when I *don’t* have my shit together, I get zero help. I still gotta help everybody else. Like, if the dishes don’t get done, it’s far easier to stack mine on top and say fuck it than ask for/wait for/do dishes that aren’t mine so I have room for mine, you know?

Not even 20 days later and it has just been one gut-punch after another. And the thing is. I’m… pessimistically inclined. Sometimes. Not because I want to be, mind you, but because life + repeat letdowns and disappointments + failures by people close to me to follow through on commitments = a cocktail of hyper-independence, trust issues, and seeing the worst in people.

Day after pre-order go-live and I got family pushing *hard* to get me on social media to market cause that’s where my audience is, allegedly (I write gay fantasy books. My audience is right here thank you very much). But I listened. And it went exactly as I expected it to. And the burnout and cynicism has done a real number on my mental health.

Oh, you got excited naively thinking an influencer actually cares about and wants to read your book? Ha ha, you shmuck. Nope! She just wants your money.

Oh, well at least she delivered a usable ad for your book, right? Nope! That Instagram account is now dead to me, infected with scammers who won’t leave me alone.

Oh, well how’s your new TikTok going? It’s going, right? Kinda! I mean the platform is rigged against you, demanding a style of performance that I hate to catch the attention of people who like shiny clickbait. And no, there’s a very real bubble preventing your videos from reaching larger audiences because the algorithm says so. And no matter how many hours you put into making videos, you *might* get 700 views. Not engagement, just views. Counting those scrolling by.

Oh…. Well you got some sales at least, right? Nope~ but hey I get it ebooks aren’t thrilling. Lacking sales are the least important element here.

You got some friends and family to read it though? One. No one I know reads, or if they do, they don’t have time to remember their promise.

But there are *some* good things that came from interacting with social media right? No? Not really? The few positive interactions I’ve had I can get anywhere.

Oh and I am still tangled up with PayPal from that first scam.

Not to even get started on stress from my day job’s compulsory OT that means no weekends, an upcoming move, a denied ESA request, and a pending new job.

Point of all this being… this was supposed to be a time to celebrate an accomplishment. And all I have taken away from it was 1) I was right, social media is ass, and 2) I was naive to get excited about absolutely any of this. Which is not a good thing to take away from this. Dangerous state of mind to be in.

When you’re pessimistic to keep your emotions safe from bad actors, and those bad actors all show up at once to validate your pessimism, it sucks. A lot. And it hasn’t even been 20 days. It feels like it’s been 3 months.

Phys wants a very long nap and some justice and a little bit of vindication and the permission to say “I told you so” with cathartic contempt. At the moment she’ll take venting to strangers on the internet.

[zepskies]

Hi Zep! Buckle up because I have a number of picks for your ask game! How about 2, 10, 17, 40, 48, 55 and 70?

Hey Michelle! Hope you're having a lovely Sunday. ☀️💜

Omg these are amazing questions!!

Lmfao this is hilarious to me, but I actually had to think hard about this one. My pre-writing/outlining process is pretty methodical. However, I think the biggest time the narrative hijacked my hands was in Smoke Eater (firefighter!Dean x reader).

I had several scenes in the original outline that just weren't fitting right when I got to the drafting stage, to the point where I had to chuck them out entirely. Also, the whole murder mystery that's central to the narrative was complex to tease out, but that also took me by surprise when I was outlining!

I wasn't intending to go that route at first, but when I thought of including John Winchester and Cas as homicide detectives (drawing from my childhood obsession with Law & Order), it kind of just started coming to me.

So I usually have the premise of the idea before the title. It's gotten easier as I've become more experienced as a writer, but sometimes I just put a placeholder title that kind of encapsulates the idea before I come up with something better, then I start outlining/researching.

Often I get placeholder titles from songs/lyrics of what will likely give me inspiration for the story, and sometimes those titles stick!

Ooh another great question. 😂 Funnily enough, the ones that come to me off the top of my head are mostly from Break Me Down:

M.M. scoffed, with a subtle shake of his head.  “Nah, man,” he said ruefully. “That’s true motherfuckin’ love.”

And a fun one:

“Alert the media,” you said. “We’ve got the ultimate weapon against Soldier Boy: a slow ride on his dick.”

😂 This one also sticks out in my mind from the Midnight Espresso-verse - Devour Me (Part 2), as a playful one I was weirdly proud of lol:

“Question: do you consider yourself more of a tits or ass man?” you ask him. You’re half teasing, but still curious. Dean snorts at the question.  “More of a connoisseur,” he replies, smirking.  “Ah.” You nod sagely, and you point between him and yourself. “So this is like a ‘sample the menu’ situation.” Dean’s smirk deepens. “Sweetheart, you’re a goddamn buffet.”

Finally, this one from the imagine "You are Dean's one exception":

Oh man, that's very tough. I've been blessed to get some amazing feedback from you and others, and believe it or not, I do go back and reread comments and reblogs. It puts a smile on my face whether I'm having a bad day, or want to continue smiling on a good one. 💖

I think one of the best compliments I can receive, however, is that a story touched someone on an emotional level and somehow got them through a difficult time in their life, or is one of their "comfort stories." That's happened a few times, and it almost makes me cry every time. 🥲

I can also say that you, @chernayawidow, and @waynes-multiverse have given me some of the best feedback I've ever gotten on stories. Not just because the other two have made me cheese grin/nearly cry of laughter, but also because all of you are writers and have been able to tell me narratively (or on a character development level) what you liked about what I was doing in a story. As a writer, that kind of feedback is amazing as well. 💖💖

Also, some of my favorite feedback of all time has been on Midnight Espresso -- whether it's been people thanking me for the representation of the Hispanic/Latin culture, or sharing experiences with being plus-sized and how that's viewed in society. 💗

😬😬 Ahh guilty, lol. At the risk of sounding prideful, I think if you're doing it right, you should be writing the stories you want to write. So it stands to reason that you should be able to enjoy reading your own work. 💜

None on Tumblr, but unfortunately I do have a few on FF.net, which I don't even post on anymore, and maybe one or two on Ao3. Sometimes you just lose the drive to write for that fandom, especially if engagement is down. Sometimes you just move on to other things.

I'm a voracious editor. I believe good writing is also good editing -- that's just part of the process. So yes I guess I can be self-critical. lol

Sometimes I'll be rereading something, and I'll go in and edit it after it's already been posted for months, whether it's a typo, or a line that doesn't sound quite right for the character, or part of a scene that I think needs smoothing out. I guess I'm a bit of a perfectionist that way. 😅

Again, thank you so much for these questions, my friend!! I'm going to be sending you some too very soon. 😘

[walder-138]

If Keith and Nikolai had to work together, what would that look like? Would it be chaos?

Likewise, what would Nikolai's thoughts on Jodie be? (what if he knew about what Keith had done?)

Hey Goose! Thanks for the ask! Kinda piggybacking off of what you told me:

LONG, INCOHERENT POST INCOMING:

First of all, Nikolai wouldn’t trust the walking, talking ballsack as far as he could throw him. Combined with him being an American, Nikolai knew something was off about him. He thinks Keith’s using the Perseus organization as a cheap grab for power (which isn’t that far from the truth) and is absolutely disgusted by him.

Nik keeps a watchful eye on Keith whenever the two are in the same room. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Doesn’t even blink. Just stares him dead in the face the whole time they’re in a meeting. No emotion or anything, silently letting Keith know “Boy, if you try anything, they’re going to have to use your dental records to identify your corpse.”

About the two working together, Nikolai isn’t the kind of guy to let some skinny-ass American boy tell him what to do. However, unlike his spawn, he doesn’t constantly hurl insults or try to kill the people he doesn’t like, so at least that’s a plus. Keith should be safe.

Nikolai’s trying to get the mission done ASAP. He doesn’t wanna rely on Keith for anything for too long. He’d be taking shortcuts, despite knowing he’d probably be sent out again to fix his mistakes, so that he doesn’t have to rely on Keith. Nik doesn’t even trust him to drive.

“Boy, just tell me order. I do not care about the truth, do not waste breath to convince me. I swear, you talk a lot without truly saying anything. Wasting good oxygen. Do you not know how many people need oxygen to survive?”

(For Jodie pre-brainwashing, I’m gonna refer to her as Nadežda) (Also, I’m treating this as Nik never became Bell)

Nikolai didn’t pay much mind to Nadežda, simply thinking she was another bullet sponge at first. That was, until AU!Annika decided that Nadežda was her friend. Yeah, Nik told her not to talk to anybody there, but Annika saw her and was like, “You are my friend now. We go play dolls.”

You know how hard Nikolai stares at Keith? Now imagine that times 10 every time Annika talks to Nadežda. He doesn’t know the circumstances of why she joined Perseus, and wanted to make sure his ‘daughter’ didn’t get too close.

When Annika continues to pester her, but Nadežda doesn’t verbally abuse the kid, Nikolai lightens up around her. He starts actually talking to her, instead of standing in a corner, staring holes in the back of her head. Nik would start to joke around about Annika never shutting up, and sticking to Nadežda like a fly on shit.

While Nikolai doesn’t know Nadežda’s story (about her brother), he still develops a sense of protectiveness over her, since he got that she wasn’t exactly in Perseus on her own accord. Nik could tell by the way she carried herself. He’s been trained to sense fear, and he felt it in Nadežda since she got there. (which is why he look the other way when she was thinking of betraying Perseus)

When Keith decided to go into major dickwad mode, you bet your ass Nikolai picked it up. He knew Nadežda was acting off, even more distant than usual, and wanted to know why. So he did some detective work, and found out about little bitch boy.

That kinda puts Nik in a rut though; now he knows for damn certain that Nadežda isn’t loyal to Perseus (for being willing to trade in secrets like that), but if she were to keep talking to Keith, she’d get her heart ripped out. Nik knew about Keith’s status in Perseus, hell, he’s probably tried to pull a stunt like that on him and Annika.

Nik was between a rock and a hard place. If he told Nadežda about Keith, he’d risk losing his fucking job and putting Annika at risk because he would be sabotaging a plan by Perseus. However, if he didn’t, Perseus would have her killed and that’d make bitch boy move up a rank or two. He decided that he needed to put Annika and his own safety above her’s; he will not die for a traitor.

Timeskip to when Jodie was captured, he’s pissed off at Keith for playing her like that. Well, even more pissed off at him than usual, but you know. Since Keith’s higher ranking than Nik, he has to be nice (🤢) to him now. Lemme tell you, he is not enjoying a second of it.

He’s like “Boy, you did us good by flushing out the traitor🥰”

“Sooooo you’re not gonna threaten me anymore?”

“No ❤️❤️❤️I put venomous centipedes in your desk 😊🤭”

Thank you for sending in the ask! It helped me developing Nik, and I think I’ve got a pretty decent personality in place for him! I’d like to here your thoughts!

[spiritsong]

hi hello appearing unhinged in your ask box again on main like a young, wide-eyed and willing to learn page asking questions of their philosopher master:

where do you think all the companions align on a submissive/dominant scale (esp with your characters)?

i trust your judgment WITH MY LIFe

LMAOOO you put me on the spot with this one and I love you for it

the way I had to pull out pen and paper just to get my thoughts in order 💀

SO obligatory preface — the only romance I've completed is spawn!Astarion's, so I'm sure my headcanons will change in the future when I've played through the others and don't have to only base my opinion on the snippets I've seen, how their platonic relationships are, their personalities, etc.

overly long explanations continued under cut; nsfw obviously (plus cw for brief discussions of trauma and also story spoilers)

Companions:

Astarion: I personally believe Astarion is a dom, judging by his personality, his history, and his behavior in his romance scenes. I think even without his experience as a vampire spawn, he'd still employ the dominant role; however, after the 200 years of trauma he's suffered, the need for it increases a hundredfold. I don't think he had the freedom to choose pre-tadpole. Astarion did whatever he had to do to ensure he had a victim to take back to Cazador, which is heartbreaking.

Post-tadpole, I think being the one in control when seducing Tav/Durge/one of the companions helps him feel a modicum of safety in a situation that he might not necessarily put himself in if he knew he didn't have to. I absolutely think he'd eventually (like post-game) be comfortable as a switch with the right kind of emotional processing and preparation, done both on his own and as a couple. Shadowheart: Shadowheart is a tried and true switch. She says in Act 1 that she prefers casual sexual relationships over long-term ones; I think in such situations she'd probably prefer the more dominant role (the Sharran coming through). However, in the future (especially in the Selunite path), if she's with someone she loves and feels safe with, she'd enjoy letting someone else take care of her. She comes across as someone who needs the catharsis that letting go of control can bring. Gale: IMO Gale is a switch who is incredibly accommodating to the needs of his partner, so I think he can play both roles with much enjoyment and enthusiasm. He likely has more experience on the submissive side of the scale considering his one serious relationship was with a whole ass goddess, and I doubt Mystra was letting him like. lead her around on a leash or something lmfao The thing is I don't think it would take much for him to feel comfortable being the dom becauseit's clear he has a desire for power; he is resentful about what happened between him and Mystra (though he tries to hide it behind his *genuine* regret), he wants to scurry out from under the thumb of gods, and he wants to become a formidable wizard (again), if not a god himself. Gale has a darker (dark =/= bad) side that would take pleasure in being the one in control. He struggles with his self-worth; knowing that his partner trusts him in such a way would be a huge deal to him. Ultimately I think his natural inclination would be to put his partner first however; he wants to wow and worship them. Lae'zel: I see Lae'zel as a dom; she's clear and transparent and a warrior in both the battlefield and the bedroom. She knows what she wants and she will be aggressive in her taking of it. However, she doesn't want a partner that is constantly bowing their head at her; she wants an equal - someone she can trust at her back, someone she believes is powerful and formidable. That is the mark of a worthy lover to her. So perhaps she's at her happiest when there's a push-and-pull dynamic going on. I think with the right person she would totally be a worshipping sub type (cough cough Shadowheart), and also she would really enjoy being praised and worshipped in turn (she deserves some softness pls). Minthara: Skipping Minthara because I've only had her as a companion in one playthrough that is still on Act 2 😂 (I will know more about you soon my love... one day...) Wyll: I think Wyll would technically be a switch, though because he's more traditional when it comes to sexual matters (and is still young), he'd explore those roles in a much more subtle way. He needs time to figure out what he enjoys and feels comfortable with. Karlach: Karlach is a switch IMO; however, her most important goal is to have fun and feel close to her sexual partner, so whatever facilitates that is what goes. Though I do think she leans a bit more dominant. Despite her being very open with her sexuality, she probably doesn't have much in the way of sexual experience due to her youth (like Wyll) and her particular circumstances. I can't speak for her time before Avernus, but I believe at one point she says she kept everyone at a distance during her ten years in the Hells.

Though she puts up a front in the beginning of the game, I think emotional connection and intimacy is very important to her. Halsin: My headcanon is that Halsin is a switch, but he falls into the extreme of both sides; when he's subbing, he's devoting every little bit of his energy in making sure his partner is has an earth-shattering experience, with little care for his own pleasure; when he's domming, he's in full primal mode and he's going to take what he wants. 💀 (But at the end of the day, even that animalistic desire that drives him is in service to his partner; their enthusiastic consent, safety, and comfort is most important to him.)

My characters:

tav!Aune: In the beginning (pre Act 2 confession), I think her and Astarion would actually butt heads when it comes to vying for control. Aune has a similar background in regards to loss of free will, so she's also reluctant to be in the submissive role. (funnily enough I already took character building notes on this, so this following bit is from that lmao)

By the time she realizes the depth of her feelings for Astarion, all of that fighting falls away for her, and she's completely okay with placing herself in his hands. It actually ends up being very cathartic to give up control; to know she can trust him to respect her sovereignty and keep her safe. It ends up being a lesson about submission by force vs. submission by choice. It's a profound experience for her. So basically both Astarion and Aune start as doms and end up as switches, but the former still prefers the dom role more.

Idk how it worked out this way, but despite tav!Aune being the "most" polyamorous of my characters, she has the least amount of sexual interaction with the other companions adfkljfdl so the only other person I can comment on with her in particular is Shadowheart. They never sleep together but they have that homoerotic besties thing going on 😂 Hypothetically, if they were to have sex... because they're both clerics they come with the complementary worship kink lmao so I think they'd both be switches with each other and take turns being heretical 💀

durge!Aune: She is demisexual and not polyamorous. Her relationship to sex is practically non-existent post-tadpole as a result of losing her memories, as as well as the trauma of dealing with the Urge. Ironically, (and perhaps tragically), it's the Urge's influence & desire for Astarion that brings that part of herself back to life. Still, in the beginning, she actually finds it repulsive to be close to him, much less entertain the idea of sleeping with him. But eventually she does (as a spur of the moment decision) and finds that it wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it would be. One substantial reason for that is that she feels "desire" and "hunger" when she's intimate with him for the first time; two emotions she thought exclusive to the Urge. It's a relief to her that it isn't, and she wants to chase that feeling.

When the pair go through the Act 2 night when she tries to kill him, everything changes. (This is pre-confession.) Aune's disgusted with herself for her actions and is scared it will happen again, but she also realizes that Astarion cares for her; she puts her emotional guard down at last.

Both versions of Aune had the same upbringing up until they were 12 years old, so they have a lot of the same baggage and don't like to give up power. However, weirdly enough, durge!Aune finds it easier to completely and totally release control to Astarion at this point. Exercising TOTAL control over herself is her ~thing~ due to being Durge, and yet, with him, she doesn't feel like she has to. (well she still needs to control the murderous urges but I mean everything else 😂) So, essentially, durge!Aune does not have a dominant bone in her body when it comes to Astarion lmao. She is the subbiest sub to ever live. Which is hilarious because she isn't like that with the only other people she's slept with:

Gale - They slept together once. There wasn't much of a dom/sub dynamic that night, but the actual sex was good for both of them. (The aftermath, however, was not.)

Gortash - 😏 ldfjd;lf Though Aune and Gortash fooled around a LOT much to the disappointment of the three daddies (Bhaal, Bane, and Ketheric), they only had sex a couple of times. Aune would never ever let Gortash be anything but her sub. If he gets a little feisty or bratty (in or out of the bedroom), it's because she's allowing him. 💀 In general I am a sub Gortash truther tbh but I can see him as a dom as well and understand/enjoy the appeal of that!

Lae'zel - The pair don't have a sexual relationship. However!!! Aune is very much a "Whatever I say goes, we're doing what I think is the best idea, and if anyone has any qualms about that, they can meet the end of my blade" kind of person, EXCEPT when it comes to Lae'zel. She will defer to Lae'zel in almost all matters (and it perplexes the other companions endlessly). So if they were to sleep together, Aune would be a sub with her.

Minthara - Aune doesn't have very many approval points with her yet but I totally see them with the same sort of homoeroticism between tav!Aune and Shadowheart 😂 (okay I'm now coming to the realization that even though durge!Aune is technically a dom (minus with Astarion) and prefers men/masc people (but is bi/pan!), in all the hypothetical situations with women she is always a sub. LMAO this says nothing about me at all, nope)

Lethe: Lethe is pan and polyamorous but thinks Gale is the best thing ever invented and will kiss the ground he walks on. So they have no problem whatsoever with Gale being their one and only. Like genuinely Lethe somehow simultaneously has starry-eyes and heart-eyes for the wizard. If you couldn't tell, they would absolutely default to being submissive with Gale, but in truth they are a switch so I think the pair would have fun going back and forth.

BONUS ROUND: My blue tiefling Vir (I still owe you an introduction to him!!!) who romances Lae'zel is a lot like Lethe is with Gale. He fell for Lae'zel within minutes of meeting her. Like head over heels. He will do anything to make her happy as long as it means he can metaphorically put a ring on that finger 😂 Literally the picture that just popped into mind is Vir being Lae'zel's step stool so she can reach something on a high shelf and he just has the biggest dumbest smile on his face because OF COURSE he is happy to be a piece of furniture for his heart's desire 🥰 lmaooo

Soluwae!! She's definitely a dom and that comes entirely from her role as the head of her cult. She's practically revered by the other cultists and has been trained to feel most at home in a position of leadership; taking control, being assertive, and staying calm and cool throughout it all. Giving orders comes naturally to her, and receiving them does not feel "right" in the slightest. She does not take well to being commanded. Soluwae has had a lot of sexual relationships in her years but no romantic ones; she's never fallen in love (specifically, has never allowed herself to). Of course ALL of this changes when she meets one Minthara Baenre.... 😌

[beyondthegame]

you got me SOOO obsessed with e 😭 can i please ask for some music facts about them? thank you <3

Ooo, yes!

E discovered their writing talent before their singing talent, so they originally thought ‘okay, I’ll be a songwriter’.

^ All until one day they were at their friend’s birthday party. The live music booked for it got sick and didn’t turn up so E stepped in — and boom, found their singing talent.

They have multiple notebooks full of songs written, they even have the first shitty one they started working in.

E also dates when they start working on songs.

Genre: pop, RnB, a bit of dance. They’re a very emotive artist so they’d love to sing a ballad at some point… their label isn’t keen on that last idea.

Has a bass guitar named Rebel and an acoustic guitar named Rae. Also named their grand piano Forte <- (yes, E is a softie)

They like adding Spanish lyrics to some of their songs.

E realllyyy wants one of their tracks to be on a movie soundtrack.

When they’re on tour, their team: dancers, backing singers, technicians, catering, band etc. always have the best stuff to say about how lovely, caring and inclusive E is… but of course the media love painting them out as a diva.

Anndd of courseee, they want the pinnacle, E wants a Grammy. They’ll take a Brit Award but… y’know, GRAMMY!

under the cut for my Maxine Taylor x E brainrot, because I am down BAD uggh

Pre-Beyond the Game:

I totally headcanon that E approached Second Coming and thought ‘I like them… I like HER!’ and was like super respectful about the approach, slid in the dms, met face to face a few times, became acquaintances and was completely honest from the beginning about wanting to work with Maxine.

Maxine & E got each other’s numbers, they started texting and whatever and picked a date to go to the studio. Maxine strolls in, freshly dyed red hair and says ‘go on, what are your thoughts? tell me what you want’ *insert innuendo from E here*

E eventually gets serious & says that the media has been on their ass and they’re pretty much sick of it, especially since they’re usually depicted as only a model with no talent.

And I feel like Max loosely relates in a sense where she knows that the media is always going to have an opinion on you, and I think she handles this aspect of fame better than E but y'know... it's gonna sting sometimes.

Thus, the two of them talking about their dislike for certain aspects of their careers and the media — this then caused the creation and birth of Heartless.

I feel like Heartless had a good idea behind, obviously two talented artists ready to work on it, and it ended up taking some long ass months to finish and get perfect.

Month 5: I just imagine the two of them in the studio, a little tired, well past midnight, something isn't quite going right with the song, they've ordered takeout to relax and they're talking about stuff that they wouldn't usually tell anyone... if feelings are getting caught, it's right hereee.

^ Like they're looking at each other with hooded eyes and they just knoww that, not that it's necessarily a bad idea for them to kiss/catch feelings, but they both have 'thoughts' about relationships as a whole, and their partnership was one they walked into without even thinking about anything other than music... definitely leaving whether they kissed/did anything more up to you nikka

Fast-forward: Heartless is out into the world, gets nominated for an award and the single holds such a special place in E's heart. Definitely solidified Max and E's friendship, like E adores her.

I feel like they regularly keep in contact too — calls, texts, FaceTimes, chatting shit about the media as usual. E will always want to know how Second Coming's doing. E definitely invites them to tour with them.

Alsooo, headcanon that E has literally written a song about Max: just how grateful they are for their friendship with her, how you can find a person who is such a diamond in this industry etc... but that song is never seeing daylight asdfghjkl (shy E! for once)

Beyond The Game:

E texts Maxine like 'hey, got hospitality tickets to this football game... wanna come with??'

Hospitality seats at football stadiums are soo nice, like you're inside and you can watch through a window or watch on tv and you have the best food, alcohol, and you're rubbing shoulders with other celebs that are there.

Soo, Max and E would get pictured together and they'd probably laugh about it.

Whilst they're watching the game, Max would probably say 'oh, she's cute/hot' and she's talking about Miko. Miko then scores a goal. Maxine: 'very hot'.

^ This would then get E smiling a little...

[saiakv]

Post-Suguru's departure, do you have any headcanons surrounding him and Gojo crossing paths or intentionally seeking out one another? Or if they just kept a distance for the most part?

Roleplaying wise this depends on the portrayal of Satoru to me. Personally I'm more of a 'reactive' roleplayer, in that I work with what my writing partner gives me, so I don't really have headcanons pertaining to relationships because I don't see them as pre-established.

However since this is an interesting question ( and I'm virtually kissing you for it btw Bug ) I'll talk about Suguru's disposition towards that possibility.

Based on JJK0 we can deduct that Suguru didn't really think Satoru would be interested in talking to him again and maybe even hated him at this point. In the movie's end we can see he seems genuinely surprised to hear a nice word from his old friend's lips. Even though he, himself, didn't seem to have personal beef with Satoru for not being there during his time of need, he recognized and accepted that 'not everyone was going to agree with him' and there was nothing he could do about it, other than keep going.

I also want to point attention to the fact that a lot of people talk about how 'below the belt' Suguru's question to Satoru was, but from Suguru's pov what Satoru said to him was just as hurtful. He was at the point of making this new resolution for himself ( we, the readers, of course, know that his logic here is deranged af ) and, again, from HIS point of view, Satoru shot him down in an arrogant fashion.

As much as Suguru is an empathetic person by nature, Riko's death had driven a wedge between them. Moreso than that, I headcanon that Suguru never really came back from hearing the words 'I killed Gojo Satoru'. Even if his friend was still alive, it didn't feel like the same person — and in many ways, it wasn't. Additionally, the mere experience of that momentary grief and the subsequent loss from Toji was so traumatic to Suguru that he simply never recovered. Toji just beat his ass into an identity crisis :')

To conclude, I don't think Suguru would reach out first. Certainly because he was the one who ended things essentially, so what right would he have to indulge his own nostalgia and craving for his friend? I do think he missed him, a lot, and secretly wished they would have been on the same page. But it's not in his character to try and force it. And, lastly, there is one other major reason why I think he would have never reached out first.

Self-affirmation is one of the most important things to Suguru. So to him, losing this treasured relationship was the price he had to pay in order to pursue his ideals. Because if you want to win, you first have to lose something, otherwise it's just unrealistic to expect that you will win without having to lose anything of your own, right? Easy victories are not a realistic option to him; exactly because he is the other side of the coin to Satoru, for whom everything in life came easy. Suguru always had to fight and suffer to build character.

And, being a curse user, he understands the nature of jujutsu very well; it is an exchange. It's all in the science of binding vows. The bigger the sacrifice, the higher the output. He saw the end of their relationship as something necessary to achieve his goal; and maybe if he finally managed it, Satoru would join him in the new world among the other sorcerers.

( I do however believe that if Gojo had made the first step, he would be open to it — though it would entail a lot of caution and suspicion on his end initially, being that they are on opposite sides of the shogi board. Suguru would not let his emotions cloud his judgement and prioritize the safety of his family in that case, probably feeling conflicted over the situation because he did genuinely care for and miss Satoru as well. )

[insomniamamma]

Ok, some thoughts on episode one of The Last of Us under the cut:

I’m going to preface this by saying i know next to nothing about the game. I’ve seen gifs of it here, but that’s where my knowledge ends. Once Pedro’s casting was announced I decided that I was not going to watch any playthroughs. I wanted to go in with fresh eyes as much as possible. OK. Disclamer done. Here are some thoughts I had in no particular order.

I loved that they showed outbreak day through Sarah’s eyes. She’s just going to school and doing ordinary things. There’s hints around the edges that something is happening, but nothing direct, and I thought this served to crank the tension up to eleven. Sarah is our window into this world, and I love that we only know what she knows.

Also, the sweetness of the relationship between Joel and Sarah and Tommy. They only give us a little but it’s enough to see how much these three care about each other. I love Tommy mooching leftovers out of Joel’s fridge. That’s such a baby brother thing to do.

I love that the focus stays narrow as things inevitably go to shit. The world is coming apart and we see it happening through the windows of Joel’s truck while they’re trying to get out of town.

Even when they abandon the truck the camera is right on Joel and Sarah. IDK I was white knuckled through the first 30 minutes.

As soon as that FEDRA lady started promising that little kid all the toys he wanted to play with I was just like oh no.

The QZ. Yikes.

OK. I’m just gonna take a minute to scream about Pedro Pascal. The difference between how Joel carries himself pre and post breakout is so fucking stark.  I’ve seen several gifsets that show pre and post breakout Joel side by side and the difference in body language is incredible. Pedro can do so much with so little. There’s no need to explain Joel’s grief and withdrawal, it’s etched into every movement and facial expression. The shot of him cradling the dead child the same way he held Sarah and throwing him onto the fire, the absolute lack of emotion. Holy fucking shit. Pedro needs to get all the awards for this show and we’re only one ep in.

Ellie. I’ve had Ellie for one episode and if anything happens to her I will kill everyone in the room and then myself. Seriously though. I love this scrappy little girl. What’s the Troubled Bird meme about being 5oz’s of whoop-ass? She is twenty pounds of murder in a ten pound bag and I love her for it. I’m sorry, but when she pops out of that door and tries to stab Joel and he just launches her into the wall? I’ve got to imagine that his first thought was what the actual fuck?

I love her ok? I love her foul mouth, and snark and the fact that she’s the willing to fuck with Joel after knowing him for tens of minutes. I can’t wait to see these two bounce off each other some more.

And Tess. As I said before I know nothing about the games. But I’ll tell you right now that I love this lady. I have a feeling this is going to hurt me later on though. I love the relationship between her and Joel, there’s no I love you type histrionics, it’s all implied.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll probably post more nonsense as it occurs to me.