#but my brain really wants to upload this so that it can focus on other projects

[arivsxq]

meddle about chapter 6

pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Theme: strangers to lovers, angsty shit

Warnings: smut, hookup, fwb, maybe slow updates

Word count: 3,8k+

Songs: Meddle about - Chase Atlantic

Heartbeat - Childish Gambino

A/N: Hey guys, it's been over a week but I'm back. I have some struggles in my private life that might affect the uploads but I try my best to post regularly. This chapter is a bit short but don't worry I'm working on a longer one. Right now chapter 7 has 6k words. I might post it this week or next, we'll see but til then I hope you'll enjoy this one<3

A whole week had passed since we both agreed on the whole friends-with-benefits thing. And to be honest, the weirdness in the air faded really quickly, but we also didn't get intimate the whole time, so I couldn't quite tell how long the weirdness would be gone. At least I had the time to start all over with my art project and make it watchable this time.

At the weekend, everyone was busy studying for the upcoming exams, while I had to attend another soul-sucking event my parents wanted me to. This time, I kept my mouth shut and didn't speak unless I had to. This was the first night after a long time my parents didn't call me the biggest disappointment. It felt nice. Too nice for my liking. I wasn't used to them behaving this way, but I also wasn't used to me behaving like they wanted me to behave.

I kept my back straight and my smile polite as I stood among a crowd of well-dressed people who spoke in clipped, rehearsed tones. The event hall was grand, with chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, the scent of expensive perfume and champagne thick in the air. My parents were busy socializing, shaking hands with people I barely recognized, people who pretended to care about each other's achievements while secretly competing for who had the best success story to flaunt.

I hated these events. Always had.

But after hours of suffering, I was driven home by the driver of my parents, and for the first time, I felt like I wasn't a burden to them. Maybe it was my fault all along, and I was being childish and overdramatic. Maybe this was what I had to do the whole time, keep my mouth shut and do what they wanted me to for a few hours. I mean, that's the least I can do, right?

A few days later, I was sitting in the campus library, attempting to shove an entire semester's worth of knowledge into my already exhausted brain.

Spoiler alert: it wasn't working.

I stared blankly at my notes, the words blurring together into an indecipherable mess. Art history. Movements, techniques, dates. Normally, I found some level of interest in it, but today, everything felt dull and suffocating. Probably because my brain was still preoccupied with thoughts I didn't want to have.

Thoughts about that stupid event. About how easy it had been to be the daughter my parents always wanted. About how it had made me feel, lighter, in a way, but also... less. I hated that I was still thinking about it. It wasn't a big deal. I did what I had to do. That was life, right?

I sighed, rubbing my temples. Focus. I needed to focus. I had exams coming up. Real-life problems that needed my attention. The chair across from me scraped against the floor, and before I even looked up, I knew who it was.

Jungkook.

Because of course, the universe wasn't going to let me sit in peace and overthink my existence in solitude.

He plopped down, a lazy grin tugging at his lips as he leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. "You look miserable for someone who is a bit overdressed."

I shot him a flat look. "That's because I am miserable."

He snorted, peeking at my notes. "Cramming last minute?"

"No, I just love spending my free time reading about 18th-century brush techniques."

Jungkook smirked. "Sexy."

I rolled my eyes. "Why are you here?"

He shrugged. "Felt like annoying you."

Of course he did.

I sighed, tapping my pen against my notebook. Jungkook had an annoying talent for making me forget whatever I was brooding about, and as much as I wanted to stay in my little bubble of self-pity, part of me was relieved he was here.

"Did you even study?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

He leaned back, stretching his arms over his head. "Nope. Just gonna wing it."

I groaned. "You can't just wing it. These exams are-"

"Relax, I'll be fine." He tilted his head, studying me for a second. "You, on the other hand, look like you might explode."

"That's because I might explode."

He chuckled, and then his gaze softened slightly. "Still thinking about the event?"

I hesitated. I hadn't told him much, just the basics. That it had been suffocating. That my parents had, for once, not looked at me like I was a letdown. I hadn't told him the part where I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

Jungkook sighed, leaning forward again. "Look, I know you want them to see you. Really see you. But don't lose yourself trying to be someone you're not."

I swallowed. "I'm not."

He raised an eyebrow.

I exhaled sharply. "I just... I don't know. Maybe I make things harder than they have to be."

Jungkook studied me, then reached over, plucking my pen from my hand. "Let's take a break."

I frowned. "I can't."

"Yes, you can." He smirked. "Come on, let's go get food. You're going to fail your exams and die of stress at this rate."

I stared at him, my mind warring between wanting to be responsible and knowing he was right.

Finally, I sighed. "Fine."

His grin widened. "Knew you'd see reason."

On our way out, we nearly crashed into Namjoon, who looked like he was one all-nighter away from complete collapse. His arms are stacked with books, thick ones, the kind that makes you reconsider your entire life's choices, and the dark bags under his eyes suggest he hasn't seen the sun in days. He doesn't even seem to notice us. Or anyone, really. Just a man and his books, locked in an academic death match.

"Dude," Jungkook says, stepping aside before Namjoon accidentally bulldozes through him. "Blink twice if you're alive."

Namjoon blinks exactly zero times.

I tilt my head, eyeing his precariously stacked tower of textbooks. "Do you need help?"

Namjoon finally registers our existence, blinking blearily like he's just now remembering the concept of human interaction. "No, no, I'm good," he mutters, adjusting the books in his grip. One slides dangerously close to the edge, and I instinctively reach out, steadying it before it topples.

"You sure?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

He sighs, clearly not sure, but Namjoon being Namjoon, he nods anyway. "Just... finals. You know how it is."

Jungkook smirks. "Can't relate."

I shoot him a look. "That's because you have the study habits of a cockroach."

Jungkook shrugs, entirely unbothered. "Hey, cockroaches survive everything."

Namjoon barely reacts, just exhales tiredly. "I should go. Still have three chapters to get through before my next class."

Jungkook looks as if he saw a dinosaur. "Is this some rich kid stuff?"

"Jungkook...that's called studying," I say with zero emotion.

He lifts his arms in a motion that makes me read his mind. "no need to get personal" would his exact words be.

After giving him a not-so-friendly look, he speaks again, "And when was the last time you slept?"

Namjoon pauses as if actually having to dig through his brain for the answer. That in itself is concerning.

I cross my arms. "Namjoon."

"Technically, I napped for twenty minutes on my desk," he says as if that's supposed to reassure me.

Jungkook grins. "Damn. That's worse than you, Y/N."

I ignore him. "Namjoon, you're going to pass out if you keep this up."

"I can't fail this class," he says, almost desperately. "If I don't-"

"Yeah, yeah, your entire academic career crumbles, and life as you know it ends," Jungkook deadpans. "We get it."

I shoot him another glare before turning back to Namjoon. "At least eat something," I insist. "We're getting food. Come with us."

Namjoon hesitates, glancing at his books like they might get up and walk away if he abandons them for too long.

Jungkook nudges him. "Come on, brainiac. You'll study better if you're actually conscious."

Namjoon sighs, rubbing a hand over his exhausted face. "Fine. But only for a little bit."

"See?" Jungkook grins, throwing an arm around Namjoon's shoulder as we walk out. "This is why we're friends. We save you from yourself."

Namjoon just groans. "I already regret this."

I laugh. "Too late."

***

Another few days had passed, making today a Friday. Normally, I would be happy, but I knew I would be studying the whole weekend without any break.

Or so I thought.

By the time the evening rolled around, my brain was already fried from staring at the same notes all day. My eyes felt like they were going to melt out of my skull, and the idea of spending another two days like this made me want to throw myself into oncoming traffic.

I sighed, stretching my arms over my head when my phone buzzed on my desk.

Jungkook: Get dressed. We're going out.

I frowned at the screen.

Me: No.

Jungkook: Yes.

Me: I have exams, and you too, idiot.

Jungkook: And you also have a life. Come on, just a few hours. You're going to fail if you burn out.

He wasn't wrong. Not that I was about to admit that.

Me: Where?

Jungkook: That's the spirit. I'll be outside in 10.

I groaned, rubbing my hands down my face. Was I really doing this? Was I really going to let Jungkook drag me out when I should be knee-deep in revision?

Apparently, yes.

With minimal effort, I threw on something decent, not bothering too much because, knowing Jungkook, we weren't going anywhere fancy.

When I stepped outside, he was already there, leaning against his bike like he had all the time in the world. He whistled when he saw me. "Hot."

I rolled my eyes. "This is a bad idea."

"Probably." He tossed me a helmet. "Come on."

I hesitated for exactly two seconds before sighing and climbing on behind him.

Jungkook didn't tell me where we were going, which should've been a red flag, but at this point, I was too tired to fight him. The city lights blurred past as we sped through the streets, the cool air against my skin waking me up more than caffeine ever could.

Eventually, we stopped in front of a small but crowded bar tucked between two buildings. The neon sign flickered slightly, and I could already hear the bass of whatever song was playing inside.

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? A bar? Again? This won't end up well."

Jungkook shrugged. "Thought you could use a drink."

I gave him an exhausted look. "Jungkook."

"It'll help, I promise."

I sighed. "Fine. One drink."

Inside, the place was packed with students who had also clearly given up on pretending to be responsible. The music wasn't deafening, but it was loud enough that conversations had to be spoken close. Jungkook led us to a booth in the corner, ordering drinks without even asking me what I wanted.

Minutes later, I was nursing a cold glass in my hands, already feeling some of the stress slipping away. Maybe Jungkook was onto something. Maybe I did need a break.

That's when I saw him.

Across the room, leaning against the bar, talking to some girl with an easy smirk. My ex. The ex who had fucked my so-called "friend" behind my back.

My stomach twisted. Because of course, of all places, of all nights, he had to be here too.

Jungkook followed my gaze, then leaned in slightly. "You okay?"

I swallowed, forcing a small smile. "Yeah. Totally."

Lies. Jungkook didn't look convinced. His eyes flickered between me and the scene unfolding across the bar, where my ex was now leaning in, whispering something in the girl's ear that made her giggle. My grip tightened around my glass.

"Want me to punch him?" Jungkook asked casually, taking a sip of his drink. He didn't know who this guy was, but he could tell that something had happened between us.

I snorted. "Tempting. But no."

He hummed, tilting his head. "I could just trip him on his way to the bathroom. Real subtle."

"Jungkook."

"What?" He shrugged. "Assholes deserve consequences."

I sighed, forcing myself to look away. I was over it. Or at least, I was supposed to be. It had been months since the breakup, and I had no business still feeling anything about it. But seeing him now, so unbothered, so fine, yeah, it stung.

Maybe it was less about him and more about the fact that I had spent so much time feeling like shit while he got to walk around acting like he never did anything wrong. Like I never even mattered.

"Hey," Jungkook said, nudging my knee with his. "You want to leave?"

I thought about it. I thought about bolting out the door, about locking myself in my room and pretending I never saw him. But then I imagined him seeing me do that. Imagined him thinking I still cared enough to let him ruin my night.

"No." I squared my shoulders. "I'm fine."

Jungkook watched me for a beat, then smirked. "Then let's make him uncomfortable."

I frowned. "What?"

But before I could fully process what was happening, Jungkook was moving closer, slinging an arm over the back of the booth behind me. His fingers brushed against my shoulder as he leaned in, his breath warm against my ear.

I tensed. "Jeon-"

He grinned. "Relax. Just making sure he sees you having a great time."

I rolled my eyes, but the corner of my mouth twitched. "You're ridiculous."

"Maybe." His smirk widened. "But you're smiling now."

Damn it. He was right.

And, because the universe has a twisted sense of humor, when I finally let myself relax, when I finally let Jungkook distract me, that's when my ex noticed us. I felt it before I saw it. That shift in the air, the weight of an unwelcome gaze settling on me.

Slowly, I turned my head, meeting his eyes across the bar.

His smirk faltered. His jaw tightened.

And I, just to be petty, leaned into Jungkook's touch, tilting my head slightly as I laughed at something he whispered in my ear.

My ex's expression darkened.

"Alright," Jungkook murmured, his voice dripping with amusement. "Now this is fun."

I took a slow sip of my drink, my eyes still locked with my ex's. His date was saying something to him, but he wasn't listening anymore. His focus was on me.

Jungkook chuckled, a low and amused sound. "He looks like he just bit into a lemon."

"Good," I muttered.

Jungkook tilted his head. "Want to really piss him off?"

I turned to him, raising an eyebrow. "What exactly are you suggesting?"

He smirked. "Come dance with me."

I hesitated. That was a dangerous idea. Jungkook was already dangerously attractive, and if we danced, really danced, there was no way my ex wouldn't take notice.

But wasn't that the whole point?

"Fine," I said, grabbing his hand and dragging him towards the dance floor before I could overthink it.

The music pulsed around us, the bass vibrating through the floor. The crowd moved as one, bodies pressed close, the air thick with heat and energy. Jungkook pulled me into him, his hands settling low on my waist as he moved to the beat.

"You sure you can handle this, Kook?" I teased, wrapping my arms around his neck.

He grinned. "You have no idea."

And then he really started dancing. Smooth, fluid movements that had me pressed flush against him, his hands guiding my hips in sync with his own. It was effortless, natural, the kind of chemistry that made the whole room fade away.

I knew my ex was watching. I felt his stare burning into my skin. And then, because I was feeling bold, reckless, and petty, I tipped my chin up, brushing my lips against Jungkook's ear.

"Kiss me," I whispered.

Jungkook stilled for half a second. Just a half second. Then his hands tightened on my waist, and he pulled me in, crashing his lips onto mine.

It wasn't soft. It wasn't careful. It was heat and tension and something electric. His fingers dug into my hips, pulling me closer, and I let out a sound I swore was just for effect. But then he deepened the kiss, one hand sliding up my back, and suddenly I wasn't thinking about my ex anymore.

I was only thinking about him.

The crowd pressed around us, bodies moving, music pounding, but all I could feel was Jungkook, his touch, his breath, the way he kissed me like he meant it.

When we finally pulled away, I was breathless. Jungkook's eyes were dark, unreadable, his chest rising and falling.

"Well," he murmured, lips ghosting against mine. "That should do it."

I blinked, momentarily forgetting what it even was. But then I caught a glimpse of my ex storming toward the exit, and I smirked. Maybe this whole friends with benefits wasn't a bad thing after all. To be honest, this man can kiss, and holy shit, the things I would do to feel these lips again.

"Mission accomplished."

Jungkook laughed, shaking his head. "You're trouble."

I shrugged. "You knew that already."

He hummed, eyes dropping to my lips. "Yeah. But I think I like it."

Jungkook's eyes flickered to my lips again, his tongue darting out to wet his own like he was contemplating something. My heart was still hammering against my ribs, my skin buzzing in a way that had nothing to do with the alcohol. And the worst part? I didn't want it to stop.

"Wanna get out of here?" Jungkook murmured, his voice low, intimate, just for me.

I should have said no. I should have laughed it off, pushed him away, made some joke to diffuse whatever the hell was happening between us.

But I didn't.

Instead, I nodded. "Yeah. Let's go."

His smirk deepened, and before I could second-guess myself, he was grabbing my hand and leading me through the throng of people. I barely registered the bodies we brushed past, the music pounding in my ears. My focus was only on him, the warmth of his hand, the way his grip tightened slightly like he was making sure I wouldn't change my mind.

Outside, the cool night air hit me like a slap, sobering but not enough to shake off the way Jungkook was looking at me. Like I was something he wanted to devour.

"So..." he drawled, leaning against his bike, watching me with that lazy smirk. "What now?"

I swallowed. I should go home. I should get back to my notes, to my exams, to my sanity. But I wasn't thinking straight. I stepped closer, reaching for his jacket, fingers curling around the fabric. "Take me home." His smirk faltered for just a second, his dark eyes searching mine. And then—

"Yeah," he exhaled, voice rough. "Okay."

The ride back was a blur. I barely felt the wind against my skin, and barely noticed the city lights flashing past. All I could focus on was the warmth of Jungkook's body in front of me, the way my arms were wrapped around his torso, my fingers clutching at his shirt.

By the time we reached my place, I was already breathless. I slid off the bike, turning to face him. He didn't move, just sat there, watching me like he was waiting for me to say something.

"Come inside," I said before I could stop myself.

His eyes darkened. "You sure?"

I nodded.

He killed the engine, swung his leg over, and followed me inside without another word. The door had barely clicked shut before he was on me. His hands were everywhere, gripping my waist, sliding up my back, threading into my hair as his lips crashed onto mine again, hungrier this time. I gasped against his mouth, my fingers tugging at his jacket, and he groaned, deep and low, before shrugging it off.

"This is a bad idea. I have to study," I muttered against his lips.

Jungkook grinned. "Fuck it."

And then we weren't talking anymore. His lips were insistent, pressing against mine like he had something to prove like this was something inevitable. My back hit the door, his hands skimming down my sides, fingers gripping just tight enough to make my breath catch.

I should stop this.

But then he exhaled against my skin, his lips trailing along my jaw, and suddenly, stopping felt like the last thing I wanted to do.

"Let me take all your stress away," Jungkook murmured against my collarbone, his voice low, and rough, his hands slipping beneath my shirt's hem.

I grabbed fistfuls of his t-shirt, dragging him closer, pulling him into me until there was no space left between us. I felt his smirk before he kissed me again, deep and slow this time like he was savoring it. Like he knew exactly what he was doing to me.

Somewhere in the mess of limbs and heat, we stumbled toward my couch. The backs of his knees hit the edge, and he let himself fall, pulling me down with him. I was sitting on his lap, and his dark eyes locked onto mine.

"Want to fuck you so bad," he murmured.

"Stop talking" I whispered back, my fingers tracing up his neck.

Jungkook's jaw tightened, his eyes flickering between mine before he kissed me again. I started feeling him growing harder underneath me, making me let out a soft moan. Without thinking any further, my hips started grinding against his slowly. Jungkook let out a muffled "fuck" against my lips before his tattooed hand trailed down to my ass.

Another moan escaped my mouth when I felt him gripping my ass.

"I'll come if you continue making these noises," his voice is husky, making me wetter than I was before.

I couldn't think straight as soon as his other hand started massaging my breasts. At that moment, I knew I was fucked. At that moment, I knew he had me wrapped around his finger, and holy shit, I hated it. I hated that he had this much power over me right now. That if he would stop, I'd beg him to continue.

"Fuck, Koo," my whines brought out a low groan out of him, and our movements became faster. 

His hand left my ass and went up to stroke my hair. My head fell on his shoulder while my breathing became more uneven.

"I'm so close baby" Jungkook brings out before he said, "Fuck you're so perfect".

A loud whine escaped my mouth and my fingers tightened around the fabric of his shirt. And a few moments later, we both came. I should've said something. I should've broken the tension, made some jokes, and kept things light before my brain caught up with my body and started overthinking everything. 

Instead, Jungkook beat me to it.

"Shit," he muttered, "That was..."

"Yeah," I exhaled, turning my head to look at him. 

Silence stretched between us, not exactly uncomfortable, but definitely charged. His fingers traced lazy patterns against my skin, absentminded but deliberate.

"Are we going to pretend this didn't happen?" I asked finally, forcing some kind of normalcy into my voice.

Jungkook tilted his head toward me, his lips twitching into something almost amused. "Do you want to pretend it didn't happen?"

I opened my mouth, ready to say yes, ready to make this easy, but then he dragged his fingers up my side, his touch featherlight, and my body betrayed me with a shiver.

His smirk deepened. "That's what I thought."

I groaned, burying my face in the crook of his neck. "You're insufferable."

"And yet, you dry-humped me."

I moved my head to glare at him again. "This doesn't mean anything."

Jungkook raised an eyebrow. "Sure."

I huffed. "I'm serious. This was just... stress relief. A one-time thing."

"Right."

"Jungkook."

"Y/N."

I narrowed my eyes. He was enjoying this way too much.

"Whatever," I muttered, suddenly exhausted.

Jungkook chuckled. "If you say so."

Silence again, but this time, it felt heavier.  I should tell him to leave. I should establish some kind of boundary before this got messy.

But I didn't.

"Wanna stay?" I said instead, and the next thing I remember is him lying beside me in only sweatpants.

[captainjamster]

pegging, power-bottoming, kind of ignoring/neglect kink?, objectification, reader has no explicit pronouns but a vagina (secondary sexual characteristics are your choice)

the pain meds are really doing a number on my brain so this is not great but every time i close my eyes all i see is price taking the strap so i needed to write and upload this for the sake of my sanity

When Price said he wanted to use you like a fucktoy, this wasn’t quite what you were expecting.

A harness keeps you flat against the headboard of the bed, so much that you don’t even need to try and keep yourself up. Your hands are equally as incapacitated, bound to the tense flesh of your thighs, leaving marks against the damp skin as they flex in needy desire.

John’s behind sways in front of you with each thrust of his fingers, teasing around the puckered flesh as he tantalisingly pushes a lubed finger in, groaning with the intrusion. The globe of his ass slopes into that ridiculously slutty waist, taut and rubbing against the sheets as he rests his torso up against a pillow. He looks like the star of his own show, relishing in the spotlight of your attention as he works himself open.

It's hard to keep focus as vibrations buzz relentlessly to your core, a persistent humming from the other end of your strap-on nestled deep inside, kept in place by the connecting material around your pelvis. The stimulation makes the desire of anticipation so much stronger, but you watch and wait.

Torturous is one way to describe how it feels watching John reach up between his legs, wiggling his hips to push the purple head against his rim. The noises are ludicrous, sticky plaps as he lets the tip smack against his cheek experimentally, guiding it towards the eagerly flexing hole you’re so close to filling. There’s a moment you can hear his breath hitch as he finally pushes it past that ring of muscle, broad shoulders tense with a glean of sweat that glistens in the dim lamplight. Price finally relaxes with an exhale, settling deeper onto his forearms as he adjusts, slowly pushing further down until the flesh of his ass is nestled flat against you.

Pitiful whimpers are the most you can groan out as each of John’s movements tugs and thrusts the toy within you, stimulating your own sensitive nerves into a tight need that grows and grows. He rocks back and forth on the purple material without haste, taking time to appreciate the stretch of his rim around the sticky material. The strap looks like a slightly bigger adjustment than his fingers, but he adapts to it quickly, working himself open to build an increasing rhythm. Your hips are almost vibrating with the primal urge to rut against him, push the toy further into his warm, wet hole – but Price leaves no consideration for your enjoyment, taking time to reposition or change rhythm without regard to your whimpers and whines and whether it’s bringing you closer to orgasm.

He bounces and grinds back against your pelvis until white, milky cum is spurting across the messy sheets, leaving drops that pool towards each other. You’ve never seen him cum untouched like that, just from the stimulation knocking against that sensitive spot. It’s when he pushes himself off the bed on his steadying arms to present his twitching hole that you realise it’s only the first orgasm of the night you’re going to see like this.

[sgiddings]

hiiiii, do you have any jossam hcs you've never talked about?? I love your blog btw <3

hello lovely anon! oh, thank you so much! it means the world to me. of course, i've had some headcanons brewing up in the back of my brain for years now;

i don't think josh is a lady's man or what have you by any means possible. i think he has always been a loner whether that be romantic or platonic wise, rami said on josh himself that he's a loner. i think josh has always had a crush on sam from the day he met her, it's always been hard for him to feel anything for anyone else in that regard. has he fooled around a little? sure, but nothing with anyone that ever lasted long. i think further proof on his lack of experience with women or romance in general is the way he talks to chris about ashley. oh boy. he's been whipped for too long, the flings he's had with people would make his skin crawl by the end of it, he didn't want them. he wanted sam.

josh isn't really a massive social media person, he'll only create an account for something if sam asks him to. like instagram, he's really only there for sam (@evildeadgf inspired this headcanon, she has a very cute jossam ig edit) and will only post yearly if at all, but he's always liking a post whenever sam uploads something there. he's not chronically online per se but his presence around his girlfriend is known. back off!!!

speaking of sam's instagram, she's always taking very handsome photos of him and adding them to her stories and her "dump" photos, you know the ones where people will just post a random monthly post with a bunch of different photos from that month, a lot of those photos include josh and her and josh together, and them with their dog.

fairly new headcanon for me inspired by unused audio file of sam talking to her mum. sam's mum would always hound her about chris, sam has no idea where her mum even got this idea from, or how she even thought of it to begin with, but her dad's always had an inkling of what's really going on. he notices the way josh stares at his daughter. sam knows that he knows, and they don't say anything about it, they just have a silent sort of agreement to respect each other's peace. post mountain, josh is one of the first people her dad asks sam about. sam can barely keep it together.

i think to keep himself sane a little more tethered to the world, helping him to wade through his own problems, josh would have to keep his focus on something, maybe starting a new creative project - nothing too out there, could be just to keep his hands busy. making props? who knows, the world is his oyster and he is very intelligent. sam loves to watch him create, she loves the determination in his eyes and the way his brows furrow together whenever he's working at something. josh notices, throws a little "checkin' me out?" joke at her, and she can't help but laugh.

sam wakes up early and josh does not wake up early. sometimes sam will get up around 4 in the morning just to go hiking and take the dog for a walk, and she'll find josh still awake in the living room. "oh c'mon. go to bed." "not tired yet." "you're gonna wake up dead in the afternoon again." "fine with me, gives me more time at night to do what i want." "like what?" "stuff." "what stuff?" "like watch you sleep." "(laugh) okay edward cullen, shut it. i'll go make you some tea before i leave."

[yeonjuns-beanie]

Halo Pt.1

warnings: a lot of plot, 18+, eventual smut (unprotected sex, biting, marking, light blood(play), hair pulling, body worship, dub-con, light fear play, more may be added upon update)), yandere themes(stalking, manipulation, etc)

summary: in your free time you do freelance writing, doing interviews with people most would consider strange and unusual. when you recognize that one of the regulars in your coffee shop only visits in the evening, you pose the question of whether you can interview him. upon his agreement, you realize this is unlike any other interview. 

a/n: i have no idea where this came from but its been rotting my brain. hope whoever finds this enjoys it! I'll be uploading the second half in a few days, school has been taking up a lot of my time lately.

word count: 6.7k

Vampire!seonghwa x female reader

pt.2

The hustle from the afternoon-evening rush finally settled down, leaving you a moment to catch your breath and rest your nerves. You favored working night shifts because of how routinely easy it was compared to mornings, but the one thing you loathed was the mini rushes. They lasted far too long and happened in increments that were too close together. It was like everyone forgot that the coffee shop existed and they needed to get their final fix in before the building closed. 

Appreciating the minute silence of no customers coming in through your drive-thru, you focused on the somewhat comforting static of the conversations happening in your cafe. You were able to take a simple delight in the smells behind the bar. Varying roasts, some pastries that had been left out, and the all but familiar smell that was the store. 

With the dying down of customers now that it was just an hour before closing, you waited for your arcane regular to make his nightly appearance. He was painfully beautiful, clad in all black, and a man of few words. You never really got a gauge on who he was. Now that you thought about it, he was probably the only regular that you didn’t have an extensive background on. 

As you restocked cups and lids, the bell on the door jingled signaling you to look up at who walked in. Stunning per usual, the heels of his dress shoes echoed through the lobby. Taking in his outfit, his chest was adorned in a black, hollow collar long sleeve, black slacks to match, and a designer tote to pull it all together. His hair was carefully styled, a few gelled strands falling to the front of his face. 

You threw the empty plastic holding the cups in the trash and walked over to the register a wide smile pulling at your face. He was probably the only regular you enjoyed and you were thankful at how peaceful the shop had become so you could focus on your interaction. 

“Hi Seonghwa! We doing your usual today?” 

A small smile pulled at his lips as he exhaled a contented breath through his nose. 

“Yeah, just the usual, but let’s do a large today.” 

“Got some extra work tonight?”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

Punching in his order, you realized you weren’t logged in on the till so you took the liberty of giving him one of your markouts. Finishing typing in your numbers, he handed over his card. You waved your hand and frowned, declining his payment, and when his brow furrowed in confusion you spoke up. 

“It’s on me today.”

You walked over to the cup caddy and began making his drink as he followed you over to the opposite side of the bar. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” 

“I know. But you’re in here basically every day. While I’m at it, you want a pastry?”

An airy laugh left him as you lidded his drink securing the cup with a sleeve. 

“I’d love to, but not tonight.” “Alright, well, you let me know if you need anything. Besides that couple in the corner, you’ve pretty much got the night crew to yourself.” 

Thanking you, he walked over to the table that might as well have his name engraved on it. It was tucked in the corner of the building right next to the front windows. You assumed he claimed the spot as his own because he had a view of who was coming in and out of the cafe at all times. Pulling out his laptop from his bag, you walked to the back to finish up with most of your closing tasks so you and your coworker wouldn’t have much to do when the clock stroked 9 p.m. 

As you finished the last of the dishes, you peek your head out to the front checking to see if any last customers had straggled in. Realizing that Seonghwa was the only one left in the cafe, you decided that this would be your best shot to ask him what you’d been thinking about for weeks. Smoothing out your apron, you walked over to him suddenly feeling your nerves fire up. Seonghwa noticed you first and immediately figured you were coming over to tell him you had closed. Closing his laptop, he apologized as you approached. 

“I’m sorry, I must’ve lost track of time. I’ll be out of your hair.”

You threw your hands out in front of you, silently trying to halt his actions. 

“Oh, no no, w-we’re not closed yet. We still have about 15 minutes. I was actually coming over to ask you something.”

“Oh?”

Seonghwa raised his eyebrows and relaxed into his chair, he motioned for you to sit in the chair across the table. Taking a deep breath, you tried your best to swallow your anxiety realizing the gravity of what you were asking him. You were no longer abiding by the standard customer-employee interaction and were hoping desperately that you wouldn’t be overstepping a boundary. 

His presence was just unexplainably intimidating. He held himself with such a poise you couldn’t even imagine what he would look or act like unhinged. There was never a thread out of place when it came to his appearance and only now were you aware of the fact that you were sitting across him in your dirtied apron, bleached stained pants, and the mural of coffee and whipped cream that painted your shoes. 

Violently shushing the voices of panic in your head, you looked him in the eye and found the confidence that struck just moments prior. 

“I hope this doesn’t come off as offensive or anything, but I run a blog about people who most might find strange and unusual and I interview them. Why they chose to subscribe to a certain type of style, what their influences are, if they have projects they’re working on, and everything in between.” 

You watched him nod following along and waiting for you to continue. He was giving you his undivided attention and it excited you, to say the least. 

“With that being said, I find you alluring in a way that I can’t seem to apply a reason to. Combined with the intimidating aura that you ooze naturally, I would love to have you featured on my blog next–if you would be comfortable with that.”

There was a faint smirk pulling at his lips and you couldn’t tell if it was coming from amusement or if he was planning on a way to humiliate you in a manner so sophisticated it would be hard to decipher if he was denying your request.

“So…you find me, intriguing?”

“Very. You’re like what I would imagine a modern vampire to be and it’s fascinating to me.” 

You watched his body freeze for a moment, an austere gloss swiping across his eyes. If you blinked at the wrong time you would’ve missed it, but you caught it and it made the gears in your head begin to turn. Seonghwa’s eyes honed in on you, searching for an answer that he wasn’t quite sure of yet. There was a particular intensity that you hadn’t felt from him before and as he leaned forward, resting his head on his folded hands, you began to feel small in front of him for the very first time. 

It was a feeling you’d never felt before. You almost felt similar to prey until his velvet voice cut through the static silence of lingering words. 

“When are you free next?” 

“I’m off tomorrow actually.”

“Does the evening work for you?”

“Perfect.” 

“Alright.”

He agreed.

It took a moment to realize he so passively agreed to your interview. You honestly did not expect him to agree or let alone give you the time of day to explain yourself. 

“I-I, uh, great! Um, can I borrow your phone so I can save my contact in there?”

Reaching into his pocket, he handed you his phone with such grace you wondered if he was human at all. Adding your contact quickly, you sent a text message to yourself so that you could save his number after the fact. His voice pulled you from your thoughts, you almost forgot he was sitting right across from you. 

“I’ll send you my address tomorrow evening. I figure you’ll have more content to interview if I let you see my place of residence and you can really gauge my character.”

Standing up from the chair, you nodded and thanked him again, still aghast that he agreed so easily. 

“I’ll be looking forward to your message.” You began to walk back towards the bar but stopped in your tracks. 

“Would you like a refill before you head out?”

“No, I still have plenty in here, thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Seonghwa stood up, pushing his chair in and grabbing his bag. As he made his way to the front door you waved to him, a full grin plastered on your face. Once he turned the corner of the building, you locked the doors, 9 pm finally flashing across the clock. 

Your coworker emerged from the back, drawers of money in her hands. 

“Stevie gue-”

“-Did you lock the door?”

“Yup!” 

Walking back over behind the counter you stood over your coworker. 

“And you’ll never guess what happened.”

She hummed, looking up at you and giving you the go ahead to continue.

“So you know Seonghwa right?”

“The vampire regular?”

“Yeah yeah. So I was thinking to myself while I was cleaning how he’d be the perfect person to interview for my blog. I don’t know where, but I found the courage and asked him if he’d be willing to and he agreed.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“I’m being so serious.”

The gravity of the situation hit you again as Stevie screamed into her hand and a slew of explicatives left her mouth. Your mind started to wander as to why he agreed so quickly. Was he lonely? Did he find you attractive? Or was he simply just not as intimidating as you pegged him to be? Stevie pulled you from your thoughts as she finally calmed down.

“So when and where are you meeting?”

“Tomorrow night at his place. Speaking of which let me text him real quick.”

“You’re going to his house?!” 

“He said that it would quote give me a better gauge of his character if I saw his place of residence.” 

Stevie paused looking up at you with a growing smirk. 

“That man is Dracula for sure. “Place of residence”, he has to be ancient.”

“Oh shut up. He could be 532 years old on top of it and I still wouldn’t think twice about it. He’s so hot it’s easy to let the quirks slide by.”

Walking over to tear down the espresso bar you were using, Stevie was in a fit of giggles. 

“An old ass man breaking your dry spell is so you coded I hate it.” 

You rolled your eyes and smiled as you dumped the espresso beans in their corresponding cubes before stacking them on the counter. 

“Who says I’m gonna have sex with him?”

“Bitch if you don’t have sex with him I will slap you personally for being so stupid.” 

Both of you erupted into a fit of laughs, and both of you reverted to your normally loud selves now that you were in the comfort of a closed store. Taking the few dishes left to the sink in the back, you peeked your head out yelling to Stevie.

“You cool if I finish the dishes and then I’ll help wipe down whatever you don’t have finished out here when I’m done?”

“Yeah, I kinda wanted to mop anyway.” 

Smiling you walked back over to the sink and pulled out your phone to save Seonghwa’s contact to your phone. As you clicked done in the upper right hand corner, a message from him popped up in a banner on the top of your screen. When you clicked on it, it was his address, and at the end of the text, it was signed ~*Seonghwa. 

As you were beginning to write back a grey bubble popped up, his text following soon after. 

Seonghwa: Wasn’t sure if you had the chance to save my number to your contact list and didn’t want to leave any doubt that it wasn’t me texting you.

Y/N: no worries! i appreciate the clarity

Y/N: i also wanted to thank you again for agreeing to do this with me. i have so many questions

Seonghwa: Well, I hope you have plenty of paper or a recorder of some sort because I have quite the story to tell. 

You felt butterflies flutter in your stomach, feeling utterly giddy that this astute man was texting back and forth with you. He seemed so untouchable and yet in this moment he seemed so much more lax than his typical personality. You hearted his last message and typed one last text before you began running the dishes. 

Y/N: so excited to hear all of it :) 

Shoving your phone back into your pocket, you threw the pieces of the espresso bar into the dishwasher and quickly hand washed all the pieces that couldn’t be tetrised into the washer. Grabbing a rag, you wiped down the dishes you hand washed and placed them in their respective places out on the bar. When the dishwasher beeped, you went back to open it so all the steam could be let out allowing the dishes to cool off while you wiped down the counter with Stevie in the front.

Satisfied with how the counter looked, you grabbed the last remaining pieces of the espresso bar and locked them in place in the bar. Putting the cleaning pills into the machine, you and Stevie did a once over of the store with your eyes. Nodding to each other, you took off your aprons and went to grab your stuff in the back of the store. Gathering all of your items, you and Stevie clocked out and walked to the front of the store. 

As Stevie set the alarm for the building, she yelled over at you while you were waiting at the front door. 

“Has he texted you yet?”

“Lol yeah, he has.” 

The alarm beeped, signaling that it was clear for you to open the door, you held it open waiting for Stevie to come around the corner. As she locked the door, she turned around and looked at you motioning you to hand over your phone. 

“It’s nothing serious, yet.”

“Oh, so you’re hopeful.”

Stevie wiggled her eyebrows at you making you giggle as she read over the quick interaction you had with him. 

“He wants you so bad y/n/n.”

“You’re delusional.”

“Oh, so being delusional is only okay when we're miles away from the hot person now?”

“No, but-”

“-No buts.” 

You smiled looking down at your feet trying to hide your excitement from your friend.

“Alright, well while you dream about Twilight for the rest of the night, I gotta get home to feed Ghost. I’m pretty sure she’s meowing her head off right now. Text me when you get home, okay?” 

Stevie held up a finger gun as she began to walk to her car and you did the same thing as you walked to yours. 

“I will.”

Getting in your car, you took a decompressing breath releasing all the burdens from the day at work. As you turned your car on, you knew your mind would be clouded with thoughts of Seonghwa and what you were gonna prepare for him. 

The drive home felt more like a teleportation home but nonetheless, you were glad to be facing your building. As you got out of your car, you felt that instant dread that you’d been feeling for weeks now. It was always a sudden feeling but you couldn’t ignore it. With the defensive instinct of hunted prey cascading your nerves, you looked around the parking lot near your apartment and noticed nothing out of the ordinary. You just couldn’t shake this feeling. 

Silently grateful that one of the closer parking spaces was open, you locked your car and briskly walked towards your building. Running up the stairs when the feeling of panic that something maniacal was behind you washed over you again. When you reached the top of your stairs, you placed your back against the wall looking out across the different buildings, and still nothing seemed wrong. 

Taking a deep breath, you shook your head and opened the door to your apartment. Walking in, you quickly shut the door behind you, finally feeling safe within the walls of your home. When you clicked your lock shut, your dog, Jasper, ran to you from your bedroom. Seeing him eased your shaken nerves, but only momentarily before he was distracted by something. 

His happy tail lowered and tucked between his back legs as low growls echoed through him. Slowly, he stalked over to your window and looked out toward the other buildings in the complex. Your blinds open just enough so that a small amount of the streetlight could peek through. 

Not wanting to think about whatever was on your tail anymore this evening, you walked over and shut the blinds completely so that neither Jasper nor you could see out the window. Grabbing the remote to your TV, you put on something random just to have background noise so you wouldn’t have to wrestle with the silence. Putting down some food for Jasper, you made yourself a quick dinner so you could begin drafting your questions for tomorrow.  

A half an hour soon turned into a full hour, then that one hour quickly became two and when you finally looked at your phone again it was 1 am. Satisfied with what you came up with, you closed your notebook and got yourself ready for bed. Finishing your routine, you checked your front door to make sure it was locked. A pit of worried confusion settled in your stomach as you noticed your top lock was left unchained. As you tried to reason with yourself you settled confidently on the fact that you probably just forgot when you rushed inside. Besides, the main lock was still set in place. 

You called for Jasper and opened the door to your balcony so he could use the bathroom one last time. While you were outside, you didn’t feel that oppressive feeling but you still felt like you had eyes on you and Jasper confirmed your suspicions as his tail tucked again and he stared into the distance. Fear began to freeze your body again and you wanted to get back inside as soon as possible.

“C’mon bud, let’s go to bed.” 

Jasper shook his head, his collar jingling in the night air. Walking inside, you locked the balcony door and shut off all the lights in the main area of your apartment. Calling for Jasper to follow you to bed, you laid out all your blankets before patting the mattress to signal him to come up. You turned on your LED lights, needing some sort of light to quell your nerves about how you’d been feeling since you got home. The deep purple, shining a tone similar to a black light only lit up a corner of your room. It was just enough to provide you with comfort and the promise of sleep started weighing on your eyes. 

The weight of Jasper on your sheets calmed you down and slowly sleep overcame your body. Your last thought before drifting off was not about the anxiety you felt but rather the excitement for the solo time you were going to have with Seonghwa. If only you could’ve discerned that the anxiety you felt was also courtesy of the man you were bewitched by. 

~`*`~

Your body felt like it was made of stone. You’d never felt pressure like this before let alone right out of sleep. Your eyes slowly pried open and the comfort that normally showered your room was nowhere to be felt. You tried to move your limbs, but as you made the conscious effort to move them, they stayed restrained in place. Stuck, as if they were chained to the mattress. 

As you tried to roll your body over off of its back, you realized that dead weight feeling was possessing your entire body. You were paralyzed, trammeled to what was once the solace of your bed. There was a damning pressure on your chest and it was beginning to feel like you couldn't breathe. Any breath that you could’ve caught was now lost to terror as you realized you could only move your eyes. As you scanned your room, you noticed Jasper standing on the bed, low growls escaping him as he pointed to a corner in your bedroom. 

As you followed his stance your eyes met a tall, statuesque figure standing in the corner of your room, its presence was boring into you. If you could see its eyes, you’d imagine they’d be all black, a harrowing intent lying behind them. The figure's energy felt familiar but the terror of the unknown overshadowed your reason. Fear tingled your body and you wondered if anybody would be able to help you. 

Your mind raced, wondering if this was a twisted realistic dream or if you were about to meet an early demise. The figure barely seemed to move, let alone breathe, but the energy radiating from it was horrifying. You felt like you could faintly see a smile forming where its face was. You tried to scream, but it felt like your mouth was sewn shut. Not sound or even a fraction of the movement of the scream escaped your body and it left you feeling hopeless. 

Closing your eyes, you hoped that maybe you’d be able to force your body back to sleep and whatever that thing was would dissipate into thin air the same way it appeared. A tingling feeling slowly raced through your body and you felt your limbs become your own again. Opening your eyes back up, nothing was standing in the corner anymore and that hot, oppressive feeling that was clawing at the room had faded. 

Jasper curled himself back onto your bed seemingly calmed down enough to go back to sleep. You couldn’t ignore the steady racing of your heart while you kept your dark lights illuminating the room. You were subconsciously just waiting for something else to appear. Grabbing the remote to your lights, you switched the color to a soft white, needing to have some sort of brightness to allow you to feel safe in your room again. 

~`*`~

As you tossed and turned, the hours quickly ticked by and the once navy sky peeking through your window was now turning into a canvas of pale blues and greys. An unmistakable gloom casting over the early morning sky.  You couldn’t even force yourself back to sleep, the anxiety you felt being too great to even think about sleep. Every time you closed your eyes it felt like heat was bearing down in your room, an unseen presence feeling disrespected that you would dare to ignore it. 

Sighing, you sat up in your bed and reached over to your blinds to open them a little bit more, allowing more natural light to brighten your room. For some reason, you felt that if you had nature’s light spill into your room, whatever anxiety you felt would dissipate enough for you to get some type of sleep. Checking your phone, the time flashed 7:32 and you were satisfied enough with the amount of light that was coming through. With Jasper tucked into your legs, you found a comfortable enough position and felt your mind relax enough so that you could will yourself to sleep. 

When you woke up again, it was still overcast and everything was just a bright grey color. It was oddly eerie. Some wind picked up out of nowhere and coupled with the melancholic tone of the weather already, you felt like you were in your own personal thriller. You just hoped that nothing else out of the ordinary was going to happen today. When you checked your phone and it flashed 12:52, you were pleased that you at least got some sleep. Scrolling through your notifications, you saw you had a few texts from Stevie. 

steviee: share your location with me before you forget 

steviee: cuz i know you'll end up at his house and then i won't know where you are 

steviee: i know i have the address but what if you go somewhere else

steviee: r u asleep still what's goin on 

You chuckled at your phone, your friend never failing to make you laugh when you needed it. It almost made you forget about the panic you had felt all night. 

y/n: yeah i just woke up sorry 

y/n: i had fuckin sleep paralysis and couldn't go to sleep until it was light outside smh 

y/n: location should be shared now btw 

steviee: damn, did you see the hat man? 

Stevie hearted your message saying you shared your location and her text about seeing “the hat man” brought you some needed joy. Having someone to be able to joke about the whole ordeal of last night made it seem not so terrifying. 

y/n: i literally couldn’t tell you who it was all i know is that it scared tf outta me 

steviee: right..right

steviee: well, lemme know when u leave tn and good luck

y/n:tyy :3

Shutting your phone off, you decided you should probably start getting ready so you’d have enough time to get yourself together as well as grab anything extra you’d need for the interview. Getting up, you stared at your closet trying to come up with something that would be enticing but professional enough to not raise any flags. You couldn’t deny that you had a bit of a crush on Seonghwa, but it seemed like such a distant reality that you tried to not pay much attention to it. 

You wanted to impress him though. He always looked so polished and you wanted him to feel as allured by you as you did him. The thought crossed your mind that anything you wore would be better than the work clothes he always saw you in, so you settled on something middle of the road. You threw a form fitting, black longsleeve, a black skirt, and your leather jacket on your bed and then sauntered into your bathroom to run through your routine. 

Between your shower, and dancing in between songs while you did your makeup, it quickly became 4 pm. Getting dressed, you gazed over your appearance looking for any immediate imperfections you had to fix. When you found none, you sprayed your perfume, grabbed your shoes, and walked out into the main room of your apartment. Opening the door to your balcony, you let Jasper out while you set out some food for him, figuring that you’d be out fairly late with Seonghwa’s interview. Setting his bowls down, Jasper came prancing inside, rubbing up against your leg. As you locked the door, you showered him with affection and then grabbed your purse to make your way out. 

You were leaving a little earlier than you expected, but you needed to get a new notebook for Seonghwa and you wanted to grab something to eat beforehand. Every new interview you did with someone, you wanted to grant them their own notebook, making the experience feel more personal to each individual. You had a growing collection piled in your room and you were plenty excited to add another. Looking back over your apartment to make sure you didn’t forget anything, you looked at Jasper.

“Be a good boy and watch the house, baby.” 

You flicked on the light so he wouldn’t be left in the dark and you made your way out of your apartment. When you stepped out the door though, your foot landed on something else other than the concrete. When you looked down, there was a leather bound journal with gold embellishments on the spine. You picked it up, inspecting it, and to your surprise, it seemed brand new. You wondered if it was maybe a misplaced delivery, but there was no package sticker on it. 

Seeing it as a blessing in disguise, you stuffed the journal into your bag and walked down the steps to the parking lot. One less stop meant you’d be able to debrief with Stevie before you made your way to Seonghwa’s. Driving the memorized route you had for work, you got there fairly quickly with traffic having died down. When you got out of your car, the sun was slowly tucking itself behind the mountains, casting an angelic golden glow across the sky. Walking into your job, you were happy to see Stevie at the front so that you could get the free food you wanted without the hassle. 

“What are you doing here?”

“Coming to get breakfast so I don’t pass out in front of that man.”

“It’s literally five, babe.” 

“And it’s still my breakfast.” 

Grabbing a sandwich from the display case, you slid it across the counter gingerly and looked at Stevie your lips downturned and your eyebrow slightly raised. 

“You want a drink?”

“No, just a water, if I have coffee I might actually shit myself.” 

You waited on the wall closest to behind the counter and continued talking with your friend trying to calm your nerves. Every time you had a flicker of a thought about Seonghwa you felt your heart race. Stevie’s voice pulled you from your thoughts which you were thankful for because they were about to spiral again.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d think you’re going on a date.”

Panicked you looked down at your outfit and then back to Stevie.

“Why? Is this too much? Should I go change?”

Stevie laughed and it confused you, furthering the thoughts of you looking like a fool. The timer on the oven beeped and she put your sandwich in a bag and turned around to hand it to you. 

“No, it’s not too much. Just wanted to see you squirm. You look hot.” 

Your eyes lacked amusement, a deadpanned glare shot her way. 

“Not funny.” 

“You needed to loosen up, I could smell the tension on you the moment you walked in. Hopefully he fucks it out of you.” 

“Stevie!”

She looked over her shoulder smiling at you as she walked back over to the register to help a customer. As you began to eat your sandwich, your phone vibrated in your front pocket. Pulling it out, your heart rate sped up reading that the notification was from Seonghwa. 

Seonghwa: Good evening. I hope this message finds you well. I’m ready whenever you are.

Why does he talk like that? 

You didn’t realize you had zoned out until your screen started to fade to black, your dazed reflection staring back at you. In your staggered panic, you gnawed away at your sandwich not even recognizing that you finished it until you went for a coherent bite and chomped on nothing but paper. Crumbling the bag and throwing it into the trash, you grabbed the water that Stevie left on the counter and almost got away with an Irish goodbye. 

“Text me everything!” 

“I will!” 

You pushed out of the glass door and got back into your car. Digging through your bag, you searched for your lip products before you started the vehicle. Feeling that you had fretted over your appearance enough today, you threw everything back into your bag and loaded Seonghwa’s address into your phone.  

You turned up your music, needing something to drown out the endless panic you were having now that you were actively making your way to his house. Your GPS said it was only about a ten minute drive from where you were so at the very least you were thankful to be close to an area you were familiar with. The further you drove the route to his house, the more you realized it was taking you in a similar direction to where you lived. 

Passing your apartment complex, you began driving in an area that was visibly more prestigious and affluent. The few apartment complexes turned into luxury mansions and you could only imagine from the outside, the grandeur of what the homes looked like inside. Turning on one last residential street, you turned into a development that had a guarded gate. 

“Hi, Y/n L/n for Seonghwa Park on 7772 Seraph Lane.” 

“Alright. I need to scan your ID.” 

The guard waited at your window as you rummaged in your bag for your wallet. Pulling out your ID, the man scanned the barcode and walked back into the small building. As he typed your info into the computer, he quickly printed out your guest pass. 

“Seems like you were already in the system. Have a nice day.” 

Thanking the man you tossed the pass up on the dashboard of your car. As you drove through the neighborhood, you took in how beautifully everything was maintained. The road you drove down was shrouded in willow oak trees, almost hiding the darkening sky. As you made one last right, you pulled up in front of his house. Or, mansion you suppose. 

His front yard was well kept, a willow tree hanging on the lawn. The front of his home was imposing and you felt out of touch being in such an environment. His street was quiet, almost unnervingly quiet. There was no excess noise from any main road, and with nothing but a few cars adorning the driveways of the surrounding houses, you felt unusually small. Out of place. Stepping out of your car, you grabbed your bag and fixed yourself one last time in the reflection of your car door. Locking your car, you took a deep breath and walked up Seonghwa’s elaborate driveway finally clicking into a semi-professional mentality. 

Ringing his doorbell, you waited patiently to see him on the other side. When you heard the lock of the door click out of place, one of the large, red oak double doors opened to reveal Seonghwa in one of the more relaxed outfits you’d ever seen him in. He was clad in black jeans, a mesh long sleeve draped across his upper half, and a pair of leather mules on his feet. 

A wide smile spread across his face as his eyes met your own. A glint of sheer mirth expressed across his features. 

“Y/n! So glad you made it, I hope it wasn’t too much of a hassle to find. Please, come in.” 

Timidly bowing your head, a light chuckle left you as you stepped through the front door.

“Oh, it was no trouble! Me being in the system already made the guard situation a breeze.”

Closing the door behind you, you watched him as he began to speak again. 

“I pray you didn’t find that alarming in any way, just wanted to lessen the amount of effort it would take to get beyond the gates.”

“Oh, I figured that was the reason. I appreciate you looking out for me.” 

A gentle and pleased smile spread lightly across his lips, his eyes closing only for a moment before he continued being so hospitable. 

“Can I get you anything to drink before we start?” 

“Um, a water would be great.” 

“Come.”

Seonghwa motioned his hand to follow you and as you trailed behind him you gazed at everything you could inside of his home. The ceilings were intimidatingly tall and his house was spotless, somehow more well put together than the man himself. He had macabre and abstract artwork and busts decorated his walls and some end tables. The hallway to the kitchen seemed so far away from the front door, but when you entered the room you were left in even more awe. 

“You have a beautiful home, Hwa–Seonghwa! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“-It’s quite alright, y/n. You can call me Hwa if you’d like.”

Nodding silently, you swallowed your embarrassment. Sliding you a glass full of water, you thanked him and he motioned for you to follow him again. Walking through his home, you felt like when Belle trailed behind Beast when being led to her quarters for the first time. Everything your eyes landed on either looked ancient or worth a million dollars. The hallways were long and imposing and you wondered how he lived here all alone. 

Maybe that’s something I’ll add to ask.

Approaching a white door at the end of the hallway with golden fixtures, he opened it and guided you into what you assumed to be his study. He had a table set up with chairs facing each other and he pulled your chair out as you entered the room with him. Seonghwa sat across from you, smoothing out his top as if he was being filmed on camera. Setting your bag on the table, you pulled out your phone opening up the voice memos to serve as your recorder and you pulled out the journal that you found at your front door. 

Just like last night, there was a glint in Seonghwa’s eyes that you would’ve missed if you didn’t look at the right time. You barely furrowed your eyebrows, not trying to draw attention to something so small. He had a microscopic smirk pulling at the side of his mouth, almost like he was trying to hide a smile from forming. Taking a deep breath, you looked up at Seonghwa, that glint now gone and substituted with his usual stoic gaze. 

“Ready?”

“Indeed.” 

Pressing record on your phone, you opened up to the first page of the journal massaging the page so that the spine would bend to your liking. Going to fish in your bag for a pen, you realize it was the one thing that you forgot. Sighing you looked to Seonghwa. 

“You wouldn't happen to have a pen would you?”

“As a matter of fact, I do.” 

Getting up, Seonghwa walked to another desk in the room that was accompanied by a computer. Walking back over to where you were, he handed you a black and gold fountain pen that had the same exact markings that were detailed on the spine of the journal you picked up. Hesitant, you took the pen from him, your brows still furrowed as you looked at him to thank him. There was a cold, obsessive tone to his gaze as he watched you inspect the markings on the pen. 

“The same markings are on this journal that I found left outside my apartment today! That’s so weird. Kinda cool, but still weird.” 

A little extra air escaped his nose as he looked at you with amusement. 

“How peculiar.”

You felt your gut stir in anxiety for a moment but swallowed the feeling as quickly as it came. Blaming it on the fact that you had finally started the interview, and you didn’t want to make a fool of yourself. Surely, he hadn’t left the journal, he didn’t even have a fraction of an idea of where you lived. A fiendish levity was cast upon his face when you looked up at him again, settling in to ask him the first question. 

His gaze was heavy. Unwavering as it seemed he was creating a mental image of this moment to save forever and needed to capture every minor detail. 

“So, what drew you to a town like this?”

~`*`~

taglist: @bellamuerte1987 @seonghwasstar

[animasola86]

missing you queenie are you okay 😭

Thank you for your concern! T_T

I am okay, please do not worry, I'm just (still) taking a social break, if you will? I'll be more active again very soon, I promise! <3

(Read below for a proper update that got a little out of hand :3)

I have one story (aka about 13 chapters) more or less ready to publish (something rather dark, see more info below), while I'm also working on another story that's like the exact opposite theme-wise on the side. Let's just say, writing has been going very well, but (unfortunately?) I had to let a few new ideas out of my brain first before I can focus back on existing stories.

That said, I wanna use this ask to answer a few others too.

(I'm really sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner or answered you individually, just know that even if I don't always reply in time or at all, I always read what you guys send me, and I'm really grateful you're spending your time writing me, so thank you for that, and please don't be discouraged if I don't get back to you! I see you, always! <3)

Innocence Lost is not abandoned, but on hiatus. Someday, I will get back to Ben and Nebbia. Someday. I don't know when (probably when inspiration strikes). So, please stay patient!

Dear @bnnyvrqnor - I was a little taken aback, actually XD Maybe mostly because I'm always surprised when people come forward praising Innocence Lost and wanting more of Ben and Nebbia. Thank you for your interest, it really means a lot! Like I said above, I will get back to them, they still live very lively in my mind, wanting their story to continue too. So hang in there, they'll get their happy ending (or at least a bit more screen time!), soon/eventually. :)

Lost & Found is taking a break, but it will return soon(ish). I have many plans for Mommy, Daddy and Pumpkin, and I will get to them, eventually.

Dear ✨ anon, I've read your ideas and I thank you for sharing them! They will definitely go on my list of possible things the three of them can experience together, the party one and the "pumpkin loves autumn" one. Lots to do with them, and hopefully, my brain lets me write them all down soon! :3

Infatuated will return too, eventually (take a shot every time I say that >_>). Part 2 of Season 3 is in the works, but as I'd like to finish writing the whole thing first, it might take a while for me to upload new chapters. There could be a little intermission chapter, though. Someday. Stay tuned.

Abandoned and Forgetful are both technically finished, but also on hold, the latter I have to say I do lack ideas and motivation to continue, I'm sorry.

The same goes for the promised continuation of my werewolf smut series. But never say never, I could wake up one day and suddenly have the energy to write more for those stories, who knows.

@ ✨ anon again: Thank you for the Interest in Forgetful and the idea about Mistress' life. I have to be honest, I poured all my energy into a different Mistress, into Mommy from Lost & Found, so I feel like all the former Mistresses will inevitably end up similar to her, just like they all came from the same Mistress who I introduced in Infatuated. So, like I said, unless motivation strikes, I don't think I'll venture back into Forgetful's storyline/characters, sorry.

Future projects: (I should have known that you're going to pick up on this, my dear 🥒 :D nothing gets past you! <3) So the story mentioned above (and teased with my latest inspiration pic over on @animasolaoriginal) will be called FORCED!

It'll focus on a Master/pet (slave/servant) dynamic and unlike my other stories, there will be no comfort, no aftercare, just rough sex and the darkest kinks I could think of. I just needed to write something truly dark after sending my other characters into their fluff era, I guess. So that story might not be for everyone, but maybe you will still give it a try once it's out (which could happen this coming Saturday (Friday on AO3)? Maybe?).

(Also thank you for your concern, pickles! <3 Please don't worry about sending too many asks, I always love reading your thoughts and comments and seeing your name pop up! Never stop/change, okay? <3)

I hope this cleared things up a bit. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here (I recently hit a little follower milestone, and while I know most of you prefer to stay in the shadows, I'd like to make sure you know how much I appreciate you all for giving this little blog a chance! Thank you!)

I will be back with more smut stories very soon! Take care everyone!

[fookinhellcurlyyy]

Hey, I love that you're building a full archive for us, it's SO much work and my thoughts go out to your sleep quality because quantity seems like it could be a stretch. I've wanted to do this so much but I know myself lol, it would end up so abandoned. Anyway, I might not have the spoons to commit to anything but I'll happily spend way too many hours tracking one thing down and I don't think I'm the only one. So I hope you'll let everyone know if you really hit a wall somewhere?

And on a sidenote, I can't believe how fast you got into it, november was literally yesterday. We're all rooting for you, take care.♡

Hi lovely Anon!!

"I've wanted to do this so much but I know myself lol, it would end up so abandoned." FELT LOL. I was scared of that happening too, but I feel like that masterdoc will help a lot of fans in the long run, and it would be my pride to be one of the people preserving them. ♡

Thank you so much for the offer! I'll definitely ask for help if I need it! And I will give progress updates from to time here as well! What really helps right now is that several people are assisting with event encoding and aligning the timeline. I think what makes the process longer for me is that when I enter something, I simultaneously track all related photos, videos, gifs, and articles—then download, upload (back-up), and link them to the Notion site I'm building. But with others encoding things that can just be copy-pasted (like tweets and articles), I can focus on my own section and then go back later to check theirs + do a more extensive search for related files!

I'd say I'm still pretty quick, all things considered, but I'm very thorough, and my brain would NAG me if I skipped anything important (unless I’m exhausted that day lol). When the timeline eventually goes live, if certain files resurface, I’d definitely love to get submissions and add those in too!

I really appreciate the encouragements ;_; ♡ I got back into the fandom in October—not under the best circumstances, but I’m so glad I did anyway. I just wish my younger Larrie self from a decade ago knew all this by heart as much as I do now lol (so much was going on in life at that time—and I'm definitely wiser now hahaha)

[pastafossa]

How do you get past writer's block? I have a fic that I'm working on that is updating on a schedule, and I made the mistake of giving myself a month off in between parts and now I can't really get back into writing it. I don't want to leave it abandoned because I have a few people who I know are really invested and I don't want to leave them hanging, but I'm having a hard time getting as excited to write it as I did before.

Ok so I'm in a weird place for this, hilariously. Because The Answer That Usually Works For Me (TM) and that carried me through a regular weekly update schedule for almost two and a half years is, in fact, not at present working for me apparently my brain can write through a pandemic but not through recovery from the shit that went down in December/Jan so we found my writing kryptonite. However, I'm going to assume you're closer to 2021 Pasta than 2024 Pasta. SO LET'S GO WITH THE METHOD I NORMALLY USE SINCE IT WAS SUCCESSFUL FOR YEARS. Cause that's the thing: sure, I've written almost a million words, and pumped out chapters for years (ignoring the past few months) but I promise, I hit the same walls as everyone else even when nailing weekly uploads. But over those years, I came up with a fairly solid list of steps that I'd go through one by one.

Fun one first: when I'm in a block, I almost always try re-engaging with canon first. I'd rewatch my favorite episodes, binge a whole season, or even the whole series depending on how much of a boost I needed. For me at least that was often like Pavlov's bell, my favorite story triggering a flood of affection. I'd remember why I loved this fandom and the characters so much, and it could often kickstart my brain and excitement back into gear. If you really want to dangle a carrot and your fic touches on canon, focus on watching parts you're excited to get to in your story. A big one for me in TRT for example was the post-Nobu, Nelson v. Murdock episode, since I'd had that planned for TRT almost since the start, and I was very excited to reach the hurt/comfort I had planned. Even if your fic isn't following canon though, see if it'll give you a creative rush again!

So let's say step 1 doesn't work, either because the canon just isn't hitting the spot or because your fic is dealing with something else. In this case, my next step was usually to jump ahead to write a scene I was really eager to get to. It was often a short blurb, but it was always something I REALLY wanted to explore, and because I'm also a reader who likes exactly the tropes and plots I'm writing, I want to read what fucking happens. Except, fuck, I'm not there yet, am I? And I can't see how that scene finishes until I write my way up to it and finish it. This is my own carrot. Multiple scenes in TRT were written months or even years in advance, simply as a way to bribe myself. This is also an option!

But maybe this doesn't work. Sometimes it didn't. This is when it got a bit more serious. For anyone who was reading at the time, you'd have noticed that I'd sometimes drop side fics, either Matt POVs or one-shots. This was me, in essence, working on the shower principle (basically, ideas/solutions will come if you stop thinking about it and do something else, like take a shower). I figured if I went and wrote something else - either with less stress, or something fun and dopamine-inducing - the part of my brain focused on my Big Fic would wander around the writer's block beneath my notice. And it almost always worked, all while I still kept my brain trained that, hey, even if we're not writing This Thing, we're still writing.

But let's say this doesn't work either. You're well, and truly, stuck. Been there now and then. And, you're going to hate this one. I hate it but it works 9 times of 10. And it is: Write anyway. Half of it was spite. I was not going to give up my schedule, I liked my schedule. The other half was that I knew myself. I knew if I could just get past the chapter/plot/dialogue I was struggling with, I'd be able to roll along again. And so I made a rule: whatever I wrote didn't have to be pretty. It just had to exist. If that meant I wrote, "Jane chased the cat in circles and caught it. She was happy." then that's what I wrote. Because everything, EVERYTHING, can be fixed in editing. But you can't fix what doesn't exist. And so there were those nights when I would scowl and groan and snarl and bash my head against that writer's block until 5 in the morning, but in the end Jane chased that fucking cat adn caught it, it was written. Hilariously, sometimes those chapters have wound up amazing (likely because I spent so much time hammering at them) and reader favorites. There are absolutely, I believe, moments where you can, and should, see if you can push through.

But that brings me to *waves* now. A lesson I've only recently recently and with encouragement. Namely... sometimes brain no go and that's ok. My steps work for me 99.9% of the time, but I've done the above during the past few months, and it just... hasn't dragged me out entirely out of it yet. Sometimes, our brains demand that break, especially when things just aren't going great. There's a reason TRT had a break of roughly 2 years between chapter 4 and chapter 5 (feel free to check the chapter index with dates on AO3!). I had some life things happening and I just was not in a place to write, even if I was still busily plotting and planning and thinking about TRT behind the scenes. And that was ok. We're not machines. I came back like a bulldozer in Jan 2021, yes, and bulldozed through weekly updates, but that break was needed. And now I'm obviously taking a short one again while I recover from everything. It's ok if you're not in a place for it. So the last step is one I've been told a lot by dear friends recently as they helped me through this: be kind to yourself, and try not to stress if none of the above works. The story will always be there, and if TRT is any indication through all its highs and lows, your readers will be there when you start up again.

[otakubimbo]

DOUBLE DATE

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x f!Reader

Warnings: MDNI, Smut, Exhibitionism, Fingering, Profanity, Established Relationship, Not a single OUNCE of fluff DID NOT PROOFREAD & may have been a bit tipsy

summary: Nanami invites you and your bf Gojo out on a double date to meet his girlfriend. Everything should go fine, right?

Day 1: Exhibitionism

GOJO NSFW WEEK 2K23

A/N: this is mild&late but i couldn't get into my account on my computer yesterday :/ but it was uploaded to ao3 yesterday so techinically im still on time

There was no way that Nanami or his date couldn’t tell that Gojo was finger fucking you under the table. You knew it was going to be a bad idea to go on this double date, an even worse idea when your lovely boyfriend Gojo set out a dress for you to wear for the night. A dress that left little to nothing to the imagination. The dress fit like it was made for you and knowing Gojo it probably was. Your measurements had been burned into his brain from his own hands on your body.

So now here you were, in a dress that barley passed your cunt getting finger fucked in a restraunt. This wasn’t the first time he’s pulled this shit either, but he is impressed by your current restraint. If he couldn’t feel for himself how your tight cunt was pulsating around his fingers, he wouldn’t have even known you were about to cum. Your face and body language were cool, calm, and collected but internally you were screaming. Screams of definite pleasure.

“So, how long have you all known each other?” The, from what you can tell so far, lovely woman Nanami wanted you to meet asked. You couldn’t really remember much about anything she’s said though because immediately when y’all sat down Gojos hand went straight up your dress.

You were doing your damn hardest thought to focus on her words and not sweat out your edges. It took forever for you to slick down your edges into this cute low puff you had going on. You were not going to let Satoru and his fingers ruin it, at least not yet.

“In high school” Your reply was cut short by a quick pinch that was placed on your clit, which you cry to cough your way through. You chug the rest of your wine pretending to clear your throat. A low chuckle comes from Gojo, and you step on his foot. “Sorry, I had a bit of a tickle in my throat. If you’ll excuse me right quick.” You politely excused yourself, knowing that you’re definitely leaving a trail of arousal behind you, but you couldn’t take it any longer.

When you’re finally in the bathroom, you can let yourself go for a second.

“fuck fuck fuck fuck” your breathes came out ragged.

Your panties were soaked, and you were leaking everywhere. Luckily, you had wipes in your purse. Always prepared. You calm your core down with some steady breathing and the lack of stimulation. After you’ve cleaned yourself, you get ready to leave but the door swings back towards you. Blocking your entrance is the villain himself, Satoru. He looks between your legs and sees that they are dry and pouts.

“Why would you clean up your mess when that’s my job” He stalks towards you, grabbing you by the back of your legs sitting you on the sink. There was not ever point of resisting him.

“Satoru” You plead knowing what’s going to happen next. “Nanami and his date are waiting. I’m sure.”

He moves himself to settle right between your legs, mouth licking your ear.

“I’ll be quick, I promise. You’ve almost gotten me there anyways.” He presses his bulge right against your core. You wanted him, badly.

“What if someone comes in” You gasp as his mouth makes his way along your neck.

“They won’t. Infinity up.” He says into your shoulder as he nips and sucks.

“Fuck. Fine” You relent. Before you can register his pants are dropped and he’s preparing to enter you.

“Just make sure you cum” He smirks at you before thrusting in, which brings an unholy sound from you.

“Fuck ‘Toru” you grasp at his back as he pounds roughly into you. His tip kisses your most sensitive parts.

“You knew I picked that dress out for a reason.” He grunts inside of you. “And you wore it knowing I was going to fuck you in this restaurant.”

You can’t help but clench around him because of course he was right. You moan his name loudly; he was hitting all the right spots. The build up in your core was about to explode but you knew he wasn’t even close, and you wanted him to cum with you.

“You really are the honored one, baby. The way you’re going to make me cum” You moan into his ear and the noise he makes in response is feral. He runts into you faster and harder, spurred on by your praise.

“Fuck, yeah, I am. And I alone will fill you up.” His hand is at your throat as he says this, pained expression on his face which you know means he’s going to cum. That makes you cum almost as his words finish. Your back arches and your cunt suck him in even more than what should be possible. The erotic noises coming from your mouth, doubled with the way your cunt was milking him had him spilling into you soon after your own release.

You’re both breathing entirely too hard as he slowly slides out of you. His dick still connected to you as he exists by your combined juices.

“And now we can go finish dinner.” He smirks at you as he puts his wet dick back into his pants. Leaving you with just a kiss on the forehead, still on the sink exiting the bathroom. You go about cleaning yourself up, again, as you prepare to go back to the table. Fixing yourself up in the mirror before you leave but as you go to open the door again another disturbance, Nanamis date. The expression she held made you think she may have heard you and Gojos encounter.

“Oh uhm, my bad excuse me” You blush trying to move out of her way.

“Actually, I was coming to make sure you were okay because Gojo took so long to come back with” She said avoiding eye contact with you. That bastard.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Just heading back now.” You knew even with your darker complexion there was no way you weren’t red. You move past her to exit the bathroom.

“I can just hope Nanami is only half as good.” She whispered behind you, which just made you squeeze your eyes closed in embarrassment. Because yes, his infinity was up but that didn’t make it soundproof.

“But don’t worry, I won’t tell. Your secret rendezvous is safe with me. “ She nudges you in a friendly manner.

“Thanks” is all you could get out because what a first impression on your double date.

[under-loch-n-key]

Not fanart today everyone, sorry. I will be uploading some within the week though!

I just need to vent and rant a bit.

I was feeling a bit rough today & made a venting self portrait piece for Pride Month. I've been out as trans for four years this November (26th of November) I’ve been on T three months and four days. I love who I am and my identity and wouldn’t change a thing, but sometimes I’m so tired.

I just want to love who I want to love. I want to wear what I want to wear without thinking “could this outfit that I wear today get me killed or harassed because it’s not in the norm?” I get fed up with having to conform to cisgender and heterosexual norms out of fear. I want to wear a dress and other pretty stuff again. I am cis passing so I’m privileged. I was cis passing before even starting T because I have naturally high T. So, me wearing feminine stuff scares me because I don’t want to get harassed for it. I have developed internalised toxic masculinity because of it. If I dye my hair I “may look gay” or “would people be able to tell I’m trans?” When in reality, I LOVE being queer, I LOVE being trans. It’s just hard. Being me is hard.

If I were to change my gender marker where I am, and if I were to get ovarian cancer and be in need of a hysterectomy, it wouldn’t be covered by insurance here because I am a man.

I am entitled to love, freedom, healthcare, happiness, marriage, not being turned away by businesses, or by churches/places that are meant to help all and help the community. I and everyone in this world is entitled to love, comfort, and living happily.

We have lost so many LGBTQIA+ people from this bigotry and hatred. It only seems to have spiralled even further since the pandemic or maybe because I came out in 2020 I’m just paying attention more…There’s people dead who should still be alive enjoying their favourite foods, drinks, films, etc. The people who bitch about how we are harming children, they’re “doing this for the children”, well guess what, every time you introduce more bigotry, you are killing a child. Not helping one. So, you can take the “help for the children” and shove it up your arse.

I sobbed tonite in my restroom because Nex Benedict and Brianna Ghey came into my head. They were so young and they are DEAD and for what? Because some fucking assholes just couldn’t handle the fact that LGBTQIA+ exist.

I’m TERRIFIED of dating people. Especially (cis) men because my brain goes to “Okay, is this person really interested in me or am I a fetish to them?” “If I go on a date with this guy tonite, will I come home later?” “What if he’s just trying to lure me somewhere and hurt me?”

THESE THOUGHTS SHOULD NOT BE NORMAL. I AM NOT A FETISH. I AM NOT A KINK. I AM NOT PROPERTY. I’M A HUMAN BEING.

Why can’t I just be human?

Why is it every time in the media there’s a criminal case and that person may or may not be gay, trans, or both, they hardly focus on the act itself but only on the fact that they were gay or transgender.

I am just SO fed up. Living in the states right now is a nightmare. I acknowledge that I’m privileged in ways that not many people have. I am in a blue state (for now), my mother is supportive, I have access to HRT and medical needs, I am white, I pass as a man. I am extremely privileged in those rights. I will never be able to even imagine how our gay and trans people of colour are treated. My heart breaks for them.

How many more of us is it going to take until we’re seen as people?

We’re not ped0phil3s, we’re not gr00mers, we aren’t out to harm your children, we didn’t steal a fucking rainbow from The Father Over Yonder, we aren’t working for Lucifer & if we are, I haven’t gotten my fucking pay cheque, we aren’t taking away healthcare from women, we aren’t taking over sports, etc. I could go on & on & on about this.

I can’t change who I am. Ironically, I loved being a woman. I loved my hair, my dresses, my makeup, my jewellery, the way some guys looked at me, I loved me. Although, something didn’t fit. I loved being a woman but something wasn’t right. I dressed goth, and then when I got home I dressed masculine. Even then, something didn’t click.

Then one day I was in middle school and I saw this girl named Maddy in my class. She was joking with a few of the boys in our class. She put her hair in her hat and made herself look like a boy and all the boys went “Woah! You really do look like a boy” and I was like “Huh, I wanna try that.”

So, I went home that day and messed around with it for a bit. Something felt better in me. I couldn’t explain it because I didn’t know what being trans was or what it meant. I went out like that any chance I could, unless I was around a boy or any preppy girls because I didn’t wanna get made fun of.

Eventually, one time in the store when I was walking away with my cousin from the register (still cis and in denial. Still an egg) the man at the register went “Have a good day, boys!” and we looked at each other and started laughing. Like omg, they called me a boy but I’m not a boy, right? It felt good & right.

You see, it wasn’t the dysphoria that made me figure out I was trans but the euphoria I felt from being called a man.

We have this heavy focus on the dysphoria (which I completely understand for people) but people forget about the euphoria too. I felt like something finally clicked but I couldn’t explain it.

That was until I started getting flooded with Trans TikToks and JammiDodger in my YouTube FYP and I was like “Haha, this is me. Wait-“

I didn’t realise I was trans until about 2020. Before I came out, (Oh, god, help me.. idk what egg me was thinking. I was so obvious..)I asked my mother while we were pulling into Walmart if I could get a binder and she’s like “What’s that?” and I said “Oh, to keep my chest flat. Since you know I love acting. So, do you think I could get one for when I play male roles? That way people couldn’t see that I’m a girl? Since you know I’m a girl who wants to play a male role.”

“Hmm, well sure, we can definitely do that. We’ll just have to see what I have to work with.” I was like hell yeah! I didn’t technically come out to my mother while I was in high school. She sorta just found out because she noticed everyone called me by my first trans name that I picked out and I was like “Uh- IT’S A NICKNAME BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A CERTAIN ANIME CHARACTER WITH THE SAME NAME-“ I literally panicked.

Eventually, I kinda became like THE trans guy at my academy and since she was my English teacher, she found out through the words going around the school. It took her a while but she made it. We went and got the big chop. My hair was about three feet to four feet long and now it’s in the same style as Tony Stark’s hair or maybe even Shawn Spencer’s. Just that category of hair style. Lol. It’s very short now. I remember when she let me borrow her phone and I saw she changed my phone contact from my deadname to my old trans name. I took a picture of that and I still have it.

My name has since changed and I don’t have the same trans name I started out with. She’s still trying to switch over to using Anthony. She’s better than she used to be. I don’t mind being called by my old trans name per se but I just wish my name currently would be used more if that makes sense.

My mother is fully supportive of me now and we even got a pride cake a few days after my birthday (17th of June) because some dipshit at a store a town over threw a fit and destroyed a baker’s Pride cakes. Yeah, call US the snowflakes and yet you throw a fit about a rainbow on a cake? Yeah, okay. Lol. We got it from my mum’s friend who was giving pride cakes away to queer families after she found out about the incident.

Knowing that I have such supportive people means the world to me, but I know in some places that I go in the world, they won’t always be there to protect me. So, with that I’ve had to keep my guard up and protect myself.

I hope one day society will get to a place where we view everyone as people and that we’re all human. The LGBTQIA+ people we’ve lost will never be forgotten and we’ll always say their names. Please research our queer history. We could all learn stuff from each other.

If you’re ever feeling like your existence means nothing and that the world would be better off without you because of who you are, you are wrong. Your death isn’t something that just happens to you, it happens to everyone around you too. You would be missed because you’re loved and cherished. Knowing that you are also apart of this community with me, already makes me happy that you exist because we need more LGBTQIA+ voices. Our light and colours burn and shine brighter together so please do not go anywhere.

Thank you for existence. I love you. I’m proud of you for coming this far and we’ll go even further. We just have to make it through today. One day at a time. Everything will be okay and everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to.

If ANY of you are in need of immediate help please seek out The Trevor Project. They offer immediate help. It’s completely free and you can either text or call. I’ll leave a link for you below.

If you’ve made it to the end of this HUGE vent/rant, I’ll be sure to fluff some pillows for your eyes and get them some nice blankets because they must be tired as hell after reading this.

If you could reblog this so other LGBTQIA+ people who feel sad this pride could feel seen or just wanna reblog it for pride, please do!

If anyone can reblog this too with any other stories about their queer & trans experience or any other helpful info for LGBTQIA+ people & youth, that would also be really helpful!!

You are always safe on my blog. 💛⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🇵🇸🇸🇩🇨🇩

We can all benefit from helping each other, so also if you are able - please donate and help Operation Olive Branch for the people of Palestine, Sudan, and Congo! Remember, no one is free until we’re all free!! So, I’ll leave the link to their link tree here -

Link to Trevor Project here! They provide a lot of good info if you wanna research stuff too! -

[lavender-long-stories]

Writers ask, Pic a fic

1,6, 18,26

Wow, these questions are really thought-provoking. Thank you for the ask.

I tend to write all of my work in the same way, so I am going to answer these generally.

1. Start to finish, how long did it take to plan and write? Did you take breaks during the process?

This answer would have been different a few years ago (Lavender Clouds took 4 years to write and had several large gaps in uploads), but now I'm pretty consistent.

I do not plan a whole story before I start posting with it, but I do write a few chapters to make sure that it feels like it can continue to carry itself. For some stories, I vaguely know where I want them to go and how they will end, but for most, I am going on vibes alone.

It's hard to tell how long it would take me to write one story from start to finish because I am never working on just one story. But, I think, looking at my history over the last two years, I would say you could assume that it took more or less as many weeks to write in full as the story has chapters because the multi-stories set up paces me.

I like to take my breaks by working on other stories. I tend to average about 8-12 chapters a week but that is usually spread across 5-7 stories.

I have a habit of writing 10 chapters for one story and then not touching it for 2 months. Which is why I only release one chapter a week even when I am way way ahead of that.

6. How did you decide what tense and POV(s) to use?

For all my stories, I write 3rd person, past tense. I do that because my brain does not understand any other.

For POV, I tend to switch freely between the main couple and whoever else is relevant to the story to give you a piece of information that the main couple may not know. I usually use the POV of whoever has the most incite to the situation or who will be more impacted by it.

For example, if you have a breakup scene, depending on the context, the person being broken up being blindsided is the focus, or the person breaking up with them and the reason would be the focus. Depends on which you are trying to highlight.

For most scenes, either POV would do. One might just have a cuter thought process about the situation that I would enjoy writing more.

18. Talk about your editing and revision process

My whole writing process for every story is: - Write whole chapter - Do one read through edit - Put in to posting pile - After the story has been completely posted for like 6 months, go back and do more thorough editing

I do not like sitting in the same scenes for too long. I want to move on.

Occasionally, because I write a few chapters ahead of my posting schedule, I will notice something that I want to change about the story and will go back and move some details around, but that is rare. Only happens every few stories.

26. Share your favorite detail

I love details that are just kind of 'useless fluff.' I like to add little things like a seemingly unnecessary to plot conversation or an outing to the serves nothing more than just to be cute.

Domestic things like being upset about laundry, sweet moments, and being comfortable in bed.

Not everything is relevant. Not every scene is important to the plot.

I think it makes my world feel more lived in, but I know it can drive some people mad.

Chekhov would shoot me.

This is for this fic writer ask

✿ 𝙰𝙾𝟹 𝙰𝚌𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 𝙻𝚒𝚗𝚔 ✿

[generaltrashshecox]

Kinktober 2023 Day 13:

Menophilia | Size Difference | Heartbeat (Ian/Damien)

I wrote this one while listening to TXT's new album (stream Freefall y'all!!!)

What Ian didn't expect when he came in for Beopardy that day was to have his wrist held down against the table. He also didn't expect to like it. Damien apologized for it a smile on his face and Ian fought the flush that threatened to show. He hadn't realized how strong he was holding it down so easily even when he wasn't going to guess. And as he was reviewing the footage for upload he couldn't believe how tiny he looked compared to him. He was only a hair taller than him but much broader arms practically twice his size and he couldn't help but invade Ian's space already practically hanging off the table. He couldn't stop the thrill that went through him at that.

He tried not to think about it but when he talked to Damien his brain would keep getting distracted staring at his chest and his arms until he apologized and asked him to repeat himself. Which he obliged (of course he did) but would ask if he was okay afterwards which he brushed off as probably not getting enough sleep. He didn't know why he couldn't stop thinking about it couldn't stop thinking about his hand on him his frame dwarfing his own... But it was getting on his nerves. What made it worse was that stupid character he did during a Let's Do This opening a can of beer without the tab with just his hands. He swallowed thickly eyes darting away. Fuck-

"Hey you seem distracted lately everything okay?" Damien asked gently, concerned after the shoot. Ian mentally cursed himself but he put on a smile waving his hand dismissively.

"Yeah I'm fine just a lot of stuff on my mind," he said which it wasn't completely a lie. Him and Anthony were so close to getting Smosh back and that was definitely on his mind. But so was Damien. He gave him a face that showed he didn't really believe him.

"Well you know you can always come to talk to me about anything alright?" he said sincerely. Anything? Ian thought for a moment. Maybe he could just talk to him about it like an adult. He sighed.

"Could you uh... Come to my office later after you're done filming?" he asked nervously.

"Sure thing dawg," Damien said with a smile. He looked at phone and his eyes widened. "Shit. Speaking of filming I gotta go. Talk to you later." And he was gone leaving Ian to his own thoughts once more. He paced his little office trying to distract himself but he couldn't really focus on anything nerves on edge. Could he really talk to him about it? What if he thought he was weird? He was his boss after all... Maybe he should keep his mouth shut and just deal with it like he dealt with everything before: pushing it down and pretending it never existed leaving it for future Ian to deal with. He was taken out of his thoughts by a knock on his door.

"Come in," he said and the door opened. Damien stepped in closing the door behind him.

"So you wanted to talk to me about something?" Shit- he hadn't made up his mind yet. He took a deep breath.

"Yeah uh... Let's sit on the couch," he said gesturing to the couch on the far side of his office. They sat and he fidgeted with his hands not even knowing how to start this damn conversation. He could feel Damien's warmth from the other side of the couch and tried to ignore it to clear his mind. "So you know that episode of Beopardy we filmed recently?" He nodded. "Well you know during the last question and you uh... Grabbed my wrist?"

"Yeah I do I'm sorry about that I didn't know what I was thinking," he said face flushed pink. Huh? "I hope I didn't hurt you." Ian shook his head.

"No not at all in fact I-" he hesitated, nervous. "I kinda... Sorta... Liked it," he said the last part almost inaudibly. Damien blinked at him.

"Uh... What was that?" he asked. He could've sworn he heard he liked it but he had to make sure. Ian groaned.

"I liked it," he said face red with embarrassment.

"Oh," was all he replied. Well that wasn't what Ian expected but he looked at him to see him looking at him with curious eyes. Oh.

"And another thing... When the hell did you get so big?" he asked jokingly hoping to lighten the mood. He knew it happened gradually which is why he never caught it but now his eyes were back on his arms and broad chest once more.

"Why do you like that too?" Damien asked bluntly with a smirk and Ian's breath caught in his throat almost choking on it.

"... Maybe," he said softly looking down. Then he felt a hand on his chin lifting up to meet his eyes.

"No need to feel embarrassed. Everybody has their kinks. And I can't exactly say I don't like it either," he said gently. He felt like his eyes were burning into him but he couldn't move away. "So what is it hmm? Like feeling small? Or overpowered?" Ian gulped.

"Both," he said softly. Damien chuckled. His hand left his chin moving to his wrist as his other grabbed his other one. He gripped them tightly pushing him back into the couch. Ian gasped looking up at him as he smiled down at him.

"Is this alright?" he asked but Ian could barely think. The grip on his wrists felt nice and he liked how he felt dwarfed by his frame arms flexed as they held his wrists. He finally found it in himself to nod and he moved to hold both his wrists with one hand as he gripped his thighs spreading it for him to slide between. They were pressed groin to groin and he chuckled. "Oh you really like this," he said as he felt his hard-on pressed against him. He whimpered, eyes looking everywhere but him. He ground against him and he gasped hands curling into fists. He looked down seeing how spread his legs had to be accommodated him groaning and throwing his head back.

"Fuck-" he groaned and Damien tutted.

"Such a dirty mouth," he chuckled grinding again. He used his free hand to undo his jeans pressing his hand inside and gripping his cock. "Awe you're so cute," he cooed as his hand almost covered it completely. He stroked it running his thumb over the tip capturing the precum there and spreading it around. Ian shook with it trying to wiggle free to no avail. He kept stroking him languidly as he pressed his own hard on against his ass and he groaned pressing down against it. He shivered feeling how big he was through his jeans. He was already so close embarrassing so thrusting into his hand. He speaks up his strokes and it wasn't long before he was cumming with a groan. He kept stroking his milking him for all he was worth until he whimpered in oversensitivity and he still kept on.

"Damien, please," he begged it felt so good it hurt. He chuckled again before letting go wiping his hand on the inside of his boxers making him whine. He let his wrists go and sat back and Ian laid there for a moment still reeling.

"Is this something you'd like to try again?" Ian looked at him bewildered.

"Fuck yes."

[ann-yakor]

Mastermind.

| okay, so this is my first time doing this ever, I swear English isn't even my first language so I may have or may have not made chatgpt proof read this and help me with my grammar 😭🫠 lol

Pls be nice, this took me so much time and is probably not that good but I kinda like it.

Also, I don't know how to count words with the 1K! 1.2K! Cause math, my brain can't do that but this has around 2.100 words

"What do I have to do to get what I want? Let’s say I have a plan. Which I don’t. This plan would consist of a few steps. Little steps, since I can't focus on a lot of things at the same time.

The first part of the plan would be to get involved. Since social media exists, it's easier and easier to get inside people’s small private circles without them even noticing. You just open Instagram, search for… let’s say, your crush's account, and then you immediately follow… her best friend. Her best friend, who follows an insane number of people, will follow you back. Even though you're biting your nails, growing more anxious by the second, wanting to talk to her, you don't. You wait for a day or two. Then you upload a story about your cat. An hour has passed after that, and her friend saw it. Actually, her friend liked it. That's when you can get into her friend's DMs. And you talk to her about how you are new in town and hadn't got the chance to make any friends. If you chose wisely, she’s her extroverted friend. In fact, she’s the golden retriever that adopted her into the friend group in the first place. After a few days talking about where to get this, where to get that, the music you like, and how you wished you had friends to go to the weekend fair, you get invited. You are being adopted.

Don't be nervous, I know you messed up before, but this is what planning is for; sweaty palms and stutter won't be a problem when every word is scripted and perfectly crafted.

But don’t get too excited already either because you're gonna ask how many people are gonna be there. And after putting an excuse about being bad at names, you’re gonna make sure she's not going. The girl with the freckles? Not really a fan of fairs. Lucky for you.

Now the fun part is getting to know her friends.

We know Dina; she’s extroverted, charismatic, and if she wasn’t dating Jesse, she’d probably be a threat since she’s also gorgeous and generous.

Then there’s Jesse, the silly boyfriend, a joker, always in a silly mood, and trying to make everyone smile, even if deep down he’s having a hard time; nobody knows. But you know because his pain matches yours. So you smile at each other, in silent understanding.

After a couple of games, Jesse and you have secret jokes, and Dina is gossiping about everything that happens in Jackson, the small community that celebrates everything and is always throwing fairs like this. Your younger self would be thrilled; it sounds like Mystic Falls or Stars Hollow even, but this is a real place and is where you're gonna live for a long time now, so... please don't mess things up.

Now you’re feeling proud of yourself; her friends are your friends now. So, let's get to step three.

“Jesus, I’m so sorry!” Someone accidentally pushing me to the floor is definitely not part of the plan, but neither was wearing my old Converse instead of my new pink Nikes, and here we are. It shouldn't be an inconvenience. Oh, and yet it is when I get up, and it's her green eyes that I see.

The fairgrounds buzz with colorful lights, the distant echoes of laughter, and the scent of cotton candy and popcorn wafting through the air.

“Don’t! It was my fault; are you okay?” This is not how the first conversation was supposed to happen. Her friends were supposed to introduce me to her, skipping the awkwardness. Her friends were here with me. Her friends… are nowhere to be found now.

And she's standing there, with her perfectly fitting jeans, her matching Converse with mine that made me think maybe I took the right choice, and her flannel shirt. Under the moonlight, her arm tattoo looks so good; it's intimidating, and I have to physically force myself to get my eyes on her eyes before I look creepy.

She scratches the back of her head, a few strands of red hair falling on her face; she seems worried because I’m not talking. “…yES, yes, I’m sorry… I was kind of looking for my friends, I guess?” She smiles; I melt. But she still looks confused.

“You guess?”

“Well, I don’t know if I can call them friends; it's my first time meeting them. I’m new to town.” That excuse is getting old.

“How rude; would you like to stay with me? I’m also looking for my friends.” Shit, shit, shit.

“Did they also leave you behind?” She chuckles and fidgets with her fingers, like she’s nervous, but I know her; I know she’s not extroverted; she’s the anxious one of her group.

“Actually…” she bites her lip “…I wasn’t supposed to be here; I changed my mind at the last minute.” I know.

“So your friend-“

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“What?”

“Okay, this is dumb, but my friends are always telling me to invite girls I find cute for drinks. Probably makes much more sense when we’re at the club. It’s just that I never do. But now you’re here, and we’re having an actual conversation, and I think you’re really cute, and-“

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Yes, you can buy me a drink. I mean, maybe not a drink, but I’ll let you buy me a cotton candy if you want to, and we could share?”

“That would be great.”

New plan: don’t act stupid.

We walk in silence towards the one person selling cotton candy there, is an awkward silence, and I found myself getting lost in my thoughts even when she asks which color I want; everything happens so fast, I don't even notice she's been talking to me.

“So if you’re new here, who were you hanging out with?”

“Oh, I don’t think you would know them.” Liar, you’re gonna get a bellyache.

“Try me; I’ve been living here my whole life, and it’s a small town.”

Her soft-looking lips wrapped around a piece of blue cotton candy (her choice), and the sugar melted. Change the subject maybe?

“What was your name again? I feel like before I go on telling you the names of my friends, I should at least know who am I talking to.” Okay, it didn’t have to sound like that; fuck, I’m an idiot. She lifted two hands in the air and chuckled; I was getting used to that sound and the butterflies it made me feel.

“Okay, okay… fair, I’m Ellie.” It sounded so different when she said it; I have heard Dina say it, Jesse say it; I tried pronouncing it out loud the first time I ever heard it on the street when I saw her the first time, arguing with an old man about getting a new PlayStation. Shit, am I sounding insane in my own head?

She didn’t add anything more, but her eyes scanned me, my face, my lips; she was expecting me to reciprocate, and I did; my name came out in a higher pitch than

expected, but she smiled; her freckles forming new constellations when her cheeks lifted after her lips turned up. Corny. Stop looking.

“That’s a pretty name.”

Is that what I think it is? Behind the tree? Is it Jesse?

“You wanna go there?”

I blinked, once, twice; the tree was beside… the house of horror? No, thanks.

“Sorry, what?”

“The house of horror; I’ve been there plenty of times; every year is the same. But it's good! Come on; I can show you. I need to keep you around after we finish the cotton candy anyway.”

I nodded. What? No, this is not part of the plan; don’t act stupid is the plan; you’re definitely acting stupid if you’re getting scared.

The world stopped moving the moment her hand brushed mine; she gave me an insecure puppy look; she was asking for permission to take my hand, and my stupid brainless self made the right choice.

I saw our fingers interlock, saw her grin turn into a big smile, saw the pink take over her flushed cheeks, and saw her rare burst of confidence weaken when she scratched her neck with her other hand.

“I’ve never been in a house of horror.” Now her face illuminated even more, as if I just didn’t say that I might probably pass out in front of her the second we put a foot in that thing; she looked excited; now it felt like she was showing a way to wonderland, something new, something she’s been trying to get people to see in the past.

“Really? That’s great; you’re gonna get sooo scared.” Maybe saying it out loud like that made her realize how it sounded, or maybe it was the look on my face, because the next thing I know, she’s squishing my hand and giving me an apologetic look.

“We can do something else if you want to.”

“No! No, I wanted this, right? And it’s better to go with someone experienced than on my own, right?”

“Right… don’t worry; you’ll be safe with me.”

In no time, we were in the line, and even if I loved the silence the night and the stars gave us, eventually, the cotton candy ended, and now there was no reason not to be talking; she was even looking nervously all around. We were not moving, and yet her hand was still placed in mine; we looked like teenagers on their first date. Was this a date? No, no way. Running into someone and sharing candy and going into a house of horror was not a date, was it?

“Are you okay?”

“Huh?”

“You got lost in your head.”

“Oh sorry, it happens all the time. I was…”

“Don’t worry; I get it. But we’re kinda holding the line, so, after you?”

“What? No way; you’re going first.”

I laughed; the mood was light again; I wondered why things were so easy around her. Maybe I should throw my stupid plan away and just let it be.

“Okay, I thought you were braver than that.” She mocked, and I gasped; oh no, she can’t do that.

“You can’t trick me into walking to my possible death like that; nu-uh, I’m smart.”

And with that, she went first; after paying our tickets, of course. I tried to pay mine at least, but she refused.

The fairgrounds now gave way to a sinister facade—the house of horror. It loomed before us, a foreboding structure with cracked and weathered walls, adorned with eerie paintings of grotesque creatures. A dimly lit entrance beckoned visitors, shrouded in a chilling atmosphere, enhanced by the faint sound of eerie music and distant screams.

The house of horror was post-apocalyptic themed; there were zombies all over the place, and after the first scream from another person walking ahead of us, I was already clamped onto her arm like my life depended on it. She was having the time of her life.

“It hasn’t even started yet.”

“Shut up.”

The house of horror ended up being less scary than expected and more fun; first, we saw a person running scared from someone who was trying to eat her. By the second time, I got scared; I noticed it was showing the stages of infection, and now the actor had some kind of fungus growing on their face, making him blind. Ellie laughed at this like it was hilarious how the poor thing couldn’t see (even if we could see the two holes for the eyes, it was fun to pretend we couldn’t). The third and fourth ones made me scream in not such a pretty way because now I could even see a person behind all that fungus-like figure. Ellie held me by my waist one of those times, and even when we got out, she didn’t let go.

Walking outside the back doors of the house, she slid a strand of hair behind my ear and tried to take my face away from my hands. I wasn’t that scared; maybe I liked this little game where she pretended to laugh at me, but in reality, was checking if I was okay, and I acted like I was scared when in reality, I liked her attention and small touches. It felt like going out with a best friend, except that I didn’t want her as a friend.

“You’re a wimp,” she said, her eyes shining under the moonlight as a crooked smile lifted her apple cheeks, and a blush made her freckles stand out brighter than the stars in the sky; I was falling.

“Yeah, maybe, but you have been taking care of me, so you kinda want to kiss me.”

With the plan tossed out to the trashcan a long time ago, what did I have to lose? Maybe the cotton candy we had made the wrong effect on me.

“Yeah.”

Her voice, so low and raspy, got my legs trembling and my cheeks getting red; she tightened her grip on my waist as if she knew I was gonna fall if she didn’t and brushed her fingers on my chin.

Fuck. Is like she read all of those stories about my perfect idea of a romance.

Then her lips brushed mine, and I knew that I couldn’t just keep waiting, so I pressed my lips on hers, starting an ungodly slow and awkward

kiss. My heart got out of my chest and crawled to her shirt pocket to stay there as long as she wanted; I wasn’t falling anymore; she got me, just like that. Just when I thought we were playing a game where I was the mastermind, she proved me to be just a pawn.

“Ellie?” The kiss ended, and the glimpse of an embarrassed Ellie in front of me made my whole week better. Just until I heard my name in the same questioning tone said by the same person. Seems like our friends had found us.

“Man, I knew you said you liked her when I showed you her Instagram, but didn’t think it would make you change your mind and come to the town fair…”

Oh?

Oh.

OH.

[divorcedwife]

hi! i love your art SO MUCH and i check your blog like the morning newspaper to see if you’ve uploaded anything new (you always have and I LOVE IT!!! thank u for keeping us fed) anyway i was just wondering if you had any advice for actively creating so much? i used to draw all of the time but i find it so hard lately to make even one tiny thing, especially something that i like…..but when i look at your work and how much you create i am always so inspired! i hope this makes sense eeeek anyway have an amazing day and thank you for sharing your incredible work with us!!!!

thank youuuu thank you so much!!! ;___;

i totally get that, and it used to be my number one problem, creating at all. i remember being in art school surrounded by people who were always drawing, and me, i just couldn't, and i couldn't explain what made drawing so difficult for me

and i think what blocked me is that i was paralyzed by indecision - too afraid to waste my time making "bad art" to do anything, or the wrong type of art, art that' won't look good in my portfolio, art that's too silly and specific to me. so in the end i made nothing

what's really been helping me lately is that i have dramatically lowered my standards for myself. i sketch every idea i have, even if it's just putting down three lines, even if it's self-indulgent and silly. anything that excites me and makes me want to draw, i follow that excitement as far as it will take me. maybe that's a fully completely illustration, maybe just a sketch, or maybe somewhere in between

if the goal is to have fun and not making a masterpiece, i feel less pressure and i end up drawing more. and drawing more leads to drawing better! if you make 10 sketches and really pressure yourself to make them great, that's torture. if you draw 1000 sketches, some of them will turn out amazing

when i have ideas i sketch, and when im low on ideas, i have all these already made sketches to revisit, and as i draw i find new ideas! this avoids me having to face a blank canvas and desperately scratch around my brain for ideas. creativity does not like being scrutinized like a bug, it vanishes under pressure in my experience

i find that creativity can be a negative or a virtuous circle. not drawing leads to less ideas and more pressure to deliver something good which will keep someone not drawing. but if you find something that gets you excited enough to draw again and keep going, then you will get more ideas along the way. follow them! draw the same character 1000 times in a row. i tend to focus on mostly one of my characters at a time - i draw her, i think about her, so i want to draw her more, and so on. that's fine

if there's any part of drawing that you like more than others, maybe try leaning on that more, and remember you don't need to do anything you don't want to do. if doing lineart sucks, don't do that. if coloring makes you want to stop drawing, use black and white

but also, where i've also been very lucky is having people like you around! :-) having people respond and connect to my art with such enthusiasm and such kindness, it's incredible

genuinely i owe more to people online who like my art than anyone does to me for making it. i would probably still make art if i had no one to show it too (which is what i did in middle school lol), but it's very lonely. it's harder to create something if it feels like no one will care. and i've been there, i spent years on deviantart having zero followers and attention. so i think every artist needs supportive friends they can show their art to for encouragement

some people feel shame that they don't do art just for its sake, that they want followers and likes and all, so i just want to say it's normal to want that :-) like i do make my art for an audience, if it was just for myself, i'd look at it in my head

i hope any of that helps!! in conclusion, i think any kind of art is worth making. and it should be fun. i also hope this makes any sense - i have to go to work soon but i wanted to reply before that. and thank you again for your kind words!!!!! <33333333

[trubbishrubbish]

Happy Last Day of 2023. Here's a long overdue update over how I have been.

As you recall, Jabberwock Genocide Part 2 was uploaded 3 weeks ago. And the only thing I did this whole month of December after Part 2 was uploaded was that I went to Canada to climb a huge mountain and confront my other self because it’s cheaper than going to therapy.

Just kidding, I just worked on more Jabberwock Genocide, nothing else.

This is a positive as I have made so much forward progress in the animation and the upcoming part 3 that you guys won’t have to wait 9 months for more Genocide Jack fun time. However, there is a cost to just working on Jabberwock Genocide, one that I’m currently struggling to find a way to deal with.

Basically, all my free time, focus and thinking has been dedicated to Jabberwock Genocide, but other stuff I do and create I have left to the dust.

My output in making Genocide Jack posts has just stopped.

I keep neglecting to share updates to my Sho Shrine. I am still getting new stuff for it but I have not yet organized it and taken picture of it.

I have barely played any new games. The last game I have beaten that is new was Super Mario Bros Wonder. I loved that game, but I had a hard time sitting down to play it for long sessions as I wanted to work on Jabberwock Genocide.

And tragically, I have really neglected interacting with my online friends. This I feel the most guilty of as I have no excuse for it. I know there are friends I used to talk to a lot before that I have now stopped engaging with for a really long time. If you are one of those people I just to say that I am sorry for ghosting you. I still consider you a friend I don't want our friendship to slowly die out due to lack of communication on my end.

This is my struggle. I love making Jabberwock Genocide. It’s honestly the most enriching thing I am currently doing in my life. I’m creating a story with my favorite character, Genocide Jack. I’m developing my skill as a sprite animator. I’m constantly thinking about how to create a particular scene with the limited resources I have. I get a real kick of joy when I am creating a scene and suddenly an idea comes to mind that I love and I put it in the animation.

I feel so satisfied when the ideas I have for a scene that I see in my head are transmitted into actual animation on my editor. More often then not, what I make in the final product is better than what I imagine in my head. Every single line, every single detail, every single joke, it all feels so amazing to craft them into a video.

It’s crazy to think that just a few months ago, I was at a low point in the animation where all of my motivation was drained and I struggled to make progress for weeks. But now, I feel so freaking happy and elated just thinking about the animation. Heck, even doing really tedious tasks like making every single sprite jump a little is still enjoyable to me. I’ve been working on this project since August 2022. I never expected this to be what is now when I first started writing down ideas. But I am happy the project did turn into this, because I really, truly enjoy working on this.

But… That’s the problem. I enjoy working on Jabberwock Genocide so much that any other hobbies, I find less fun. I rewrote my brain to dedicate huge parts of it to think about Jabberwock Genocide. I’m fully being this attached to a project like this isn’t healthy. I should be consuming different media and doing other activities and talking to my friends. I know this but I find it difficult to summon the energy to do it.

I’m still trying to find a good balance between working on the project and doing other leisure activities that I enjoy doing. I’m going to make this a goal for 2024, it might take me a while to find that balance but I will try to. Hopefully when I do, I can slowly rekindle friendships that I have abandoned.

That’s what I wanted to say. Thank you for taking the time to read this. See you in 2024.

[kotaka-kun]

Fanfiction Author Interview Game

Thank you for the tag, @missiemoosie, this was such a fun way to reflect on my work!!

How many works do you have on AO3?

284

What's your total AO3 word count?

395,574

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

 thank you for the food - ATLA | rated T | 2,378 words | Zuko/Sokka

Simple Happiness - ATLA | rated M | 3,126 words | Zuko/Sokka

Bucky has a belly kink, but Steve doesn’t mind in the least - Captain America, MCU | rated E | 1,739 words | Steve/Bucky

Surprise - Captain America, MCU | rated M | 2,597 words | Steve/Bucky

New Colors - One Piece | rated G | 1,881 words | Zoro/Sanji

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always! If I don’t respond the moment I get the email notification, I usually get to it the next time I’m on AO3 to upload a new fic... I do make it a point to reply after I’ve hit post though, because it’s like a reward to get to respond. Sometimes with the really sweet and/or lengthy comments that make me smile or feel really proud of what I’ve written, I’ll literally hold off on replying so I can experience the high again, right after I’ve posted a new fic. 

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Probably overboard -- I wrote it based on my first impression of the ending of the LOTR trilogy, where I took Frodo’s leaving for Valinor as a metaphor for suicide. 

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I don’t know that I can pick a single fic for this. I generally write happy endings, because that’s what I like to read, so there’s just too many to choose from. 

Do you write crossovers?

Hell yeah, I do! Crackfic crossovers are my favorite kind of self-indulgent fic to write. I’ve also written crossovers in the sense that I take blorbos from one series and put them in the setting or roles from another series, but then I wonder if that isn’t just an AU... 

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I don’t think so...?

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I definitely write more smut than I post, that’s for sure. I think it’s generally all omegaverse, praise kink, breeding/pregnancy kink, light d/s... that sort of thing :) 

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope! At least, not that I’m aware of, haha

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, New Colors was given a Chinese translation! 

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I’ve co-written with my friend that I’ve affectionately dubbed beta-san ever since we got into writing fic back in high school. Few fics have been finished and cleaned up enough to be posted though. 

What's your all-time favorite ship?

I think I’ll forever consider ZoSan (Zoro/Sanji) to be my OTP... I haven’t read or written anything about them in a long time, but they’ll always hold a special place in my heart for being my gateway to online fandom and shipping communities. 

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Bit of a deep cut for this one, but I’d have to say Zoro’s Promise. I started it so long ago that it’s still only on FF dot net. I do think about it often though, I won’t lie. 

What are your writing strengths?

I’m easily inspired, I use the intensity of my emotions as fuel, I find myself often wanting to write, I make time to write whenever I can -- on the commute to and from work, in bed, on a walk, etc. 

What are your writing weaknesses?

My brain only wants to write certain scenes of a fic, and has no interest in filling the gaps. I have a tendency to tell instead of show. I use too many commas. I don’t write consistently enough to make it a habit. I focus on the numbers social media has trained me to perceive as validation, instead of just being able to feel satisfaction from writing what I want to. And perhaps worst of all, I still care so much of what other people think of me, of my writing -- so much so that I overthink and overanalyze my words as I’m writing, forcing my brain to edit while I write, which is entirely counterproductive and also not what I’m here to do. 

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

As someone who speaks a language that too many people have Google Translated and then slapped into their fic for the vibes... hard pass. 

I don’t think I’ve ever written full lines of dialogue in another language. The worst I’ve done would probably be using nicknames, pet names, or endearments from canon, but honestly looking back, even that feels like I was pushing it. Unless it’s a fantasy language like Sindarin or Khuzdul or whatever else, I really feel like there’s no reason to be doing it. 

As a reader, it’s distracting at best when I can’t read it, because it takes me out of the moment and forces me to scroll down to the author’s notes to understand what it says -- or even just Google Translate it myself -- and at worst, I can read it, and it gives me a painful amount of secondhand embarrassment from how awkward and wrong it is. 

Just put the sentence in italics, imply that it was spoken in another language, and be done with it. 

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

My writing is at the mercy of my hyperfixations, so I don’t think I’ve not written for a fandom or ship that I wanted to yet... 

What's your favorite fic you've written?

I honestly don’t think I have a favorite. I’ve written so many fics at this point, and across so many fandoms, that I simply cannot choose one over the rest. 

Tagging: @lauralot89 @perplexedhedgehog @wheel-of-fish @backlitmademoiselle @flora-gray @from-aldebaran @intothemertensverse @textsfromthefifthbasement and anyone else that wants to use this as an opportunity to do some reflecting on your works!!

[smolghostbot]

Battle Against a True Hero: Part 1/3

Because this scenario with Contralto was rotating in my head all weekend like a microwave. I'll probably upload part 2 soon, it's longer but this is the natural spot the divide the story, y'know?

Part 2

Word count: 500ish Contralto character reference

======

"... … For centuries, sprites have lived in the darkness, fearing your kind. Well no more! Tonight is when that changes! That's why it is my goal to eliminate all humans, starting with you! Now, draw your weapon, human! And prepare as I, Contralto, Hero of the Sprites, Defender of the Helpless, the Hero Who Never Gives Up, will defeat you and free my people! Prepare to be struck down by the combined hopes and dreams of all of spritekind!"

He yawned as his bleary eyes tried to focus on the little creature standing on his coffee table. He just came out here to get some water and now, if he wasn't still dreaming, was getting lectured to by some kind of… elf? fairy? Something, that was holding some kind of tiny sewing tools and looked ready to leap at him.

He was too tired for this.

"Okay, so, uh, let me get this straight. You're… Contralto, a 'sprite', and you want to, uh, fight me. And doing that will somehow free your people from centuries of injustice?"

The tiny sprite on the table seemed frustrated, as if she was being asked to repeat herself. She broke from her fighting stance, placing her hands on her hips. "Yes, yes, I already said that! I defeat you, I defeat the other humans, I save the world. Are you going to accept my challenge or not?!"

As the human yawned, he responded with a simple "Hm… not." before starting to walk away.

"Hey! You can't run from me! Get back here so I can slay you!", the sprite cried.

The human stopped to think, a hard task when his brain wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. "Listen, uh, Contralto, you seem like an honorable, uh, 'hero'. Are you really going to fight a weaponless, half-awake guy? I literally don't even have pants on, I wasn't exactly expecting to fight a hero tonight. How about you come back, like…", he stopped to gaze at the clock, which was only a bit after 3am, "I don't know, five hours from now? And you can uh, 'slay me' then, how does that sound?"

The sprite was contemplative as she thought about this deal, before excitedly striking a pose, raising one of her weapons high. "I see… Very well then, human! I expect you to be ready, armed, and… wearing appropriate combat gear. And we shall fight with honor to determine the fate of this world"

Her tone darkened a bit and her voice grew deeper, though still quite high. "But… should you take advantage of my honor to flee… you'll regret it, human."

With a mumbled "Yeah, okay", the human walked back to his bedroom and almost instantly collapsed, wondering what he just signed himself up for in the morning. He could probably slap that little woman clear across a room if she truly wanted him to fight, but obviously he couldn't do that. Maybe trying to talk would help? She certainly seemed upset… Whatever, this was a problem for the morning.