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#but my brain isn't working too much right now
evilminji · 2 days
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I Am? Still? Thinking?? Of My Hive Mind Crechelings Au? (Prev <-)
The Creepy Crechelings? My Fuuuuckin POSSESSED Lil Babies (absolutely affectionate and full of love)?
I CAN'T STOP, man. It's the SOFTEST and WARMEST Epilog? Just... fuck, I wanna cry. It's SO FULL OF LIGHT? So content and happy and "then... our Hero gets to REST. No more struggle. No more pain. Just golden sweetness and simple days."???
The Tragedy Of Darth Vader WAS, ultimately, utterly and completely, because Anakin Skywalker was a GOOD MAN.
Because the Dark took something GOOD and twisted it. Made it MONSTROUS. Killing his soul with ten thousand cuts of doubt and fear. Anger, arrogance, and unwarranted pride. He had COMPASSION. So much love in him he could barely stand to BREATHE.
The world BURNED for how great his Empathy, made the weight of all the universe's suffering, upon his shoulders.
He was GOOD. Could STILL be good. And? The Force DOES work in mysterious ways. It just needs... an in. Someone, ANYONE, to ask the right question. At ANY point. Because it CAN NOT push upon them the answers. Fix for them all life's woes. The Force is not a God... it simple IS. And though it wishes to help, loves them dearly, it can only OFFER what is ASKED for.
And, yes, there are loopholes. Visions and gifts it might give. Technicalities it might work off of. That gut feeling? Well... your INSTINCTS want you to survive. Surely THEY are asking? Are they not? "How do we survive?" They ask. Endlessly. So the Force may answer.
And SURELY, The Force knows, the you of 20 seconds from now, would ASK them to warn you not to eat that fruit. It is poison. That is definitely in line with what you would ask! It can see it. Because Time is simultaneous to the Force. Why, it can even use this to justify, too itself, the Visions! SOMEONE is asking! It can even tell you whom! And when!
It WON'T.
But it COULD.
Yet! Let us focus! Anikin Skywalker!
Do YOU remember how he was born? Oh, sure, we are all PASSINGLY familiar. Born to Shmi Skywalker. "No Father". Etc etc? BUT!!! Details MATTER! And in science? In HEALTH? "Spontaneous Baby" is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
How. What, SPECIFICALLY, made UP the spontaneous baby? From WHERE? Was it air? Energy? A clone? A hypothetical child of Shmi and some long dead individual she could not possibly have met?
These are important questions! Specifically, important to understand WHAT ANIKIN'S SPECIES IS. Cause "humanoid" is NOT a species! A race! Stewjoni and Naboolians are subtly different! Yes, both human variants. But that's the THING, isn't it?
They. Are. VARIANTS.
As in DIFFERENT. Divergent from one another. Perhaps not A LOT, but enough that their unique medical needs might be significant! Different environmental strains, different diets, different evolutionary paths for thousands of years. In SOME cases? They might no longer be COMPATIBLE anymore! Or barely! A tiger and a cat are both feline, but you'd be blind to mistake them as the same thing.
Then we have Anikin.
Who is haaaaalf??? What exactly?
Well, "The Force" according to research. By means of Sith meddling. But! And for the purpose of this ramble??
He is birth was "a work of the midi-chlorians".
.......let that sink in for a second. The Force channeling, HIVE MINDED, symbiotic micro organisms inside Shmi? Were instructed or guided to? Just take energy? Food and DNA. And... 3D print a baby into existence. They did, obviously, it was easy. But CONSIDER WHAT THAT MEANS.
It MEANS?
Anikin is HALF MIDI-CHLORIAN.
(At least in this AU.)
It's WHY he is so, SO fuckin desperate to connect. So ungodly powerful. So destabilized by not having "attachments". His brain is structured by organisms and half IS, of a sort, the sort of organism that REQUIRES an interconnected system. To offload the massive amount of sensory input the Force gives him. To regulate Big Emotions. To form councils and crunch through problems.
To get those good, good Soul Hugs.
Anikin? Not doing so hot. He's been SURROUNDED by what FEELS like a hive? But they keep EXCLUDING him and he doesn't have the words to explain why that upset him. Why he wants to crawl inside their brains an just... just hang. Not touch anything! Just... just nap! Maybe get a hug? P... Please?
Why does EVERYONE HATE HIM?!
But they don't. They just have different boundaries. Are NOT Hive Minds. THEIR Midi-chlorians? Are not at such a high concentration that it affects their thought patterns.
Unlike? The Creepy Crechelings.
Who absolutely doooooo. THEY are still in the We/Us phase. Boundaries? What Boundaries? We're crawling through each other's brains and on the ceiling! Full of light, love, and horrifying prophecy! Eating sand! Many thoughts, head full! We can taste TIME!!! :D
And it takes a SPECIAL breed of Creche Master with VERY strong shields to interact with them. Mind tricks are both accidental and daily. Poker face of kindness is a must. Good emotional regulation. So when one sees Anikin losing his shit again?
They sigh. Put down their muffin. And go deal with it.
Probably not even awake.
They just feel *Overwhelming Power* and hear upset noises and go "Ah, starting early, today is." Then wander over. And effortlessly defuse the situation. Flop their Force presence on Anikin like a weighted blanket. It would be UNSPEAKABLY rude and invasive to most anyone else? But Obi-Wan just...? Watchs his ex-padawan go BONELESS against this Crech Master he's never met? Like :O
T-teach me. Please, for the love of the Force, teach me to do that.
Next thing you know? They are talking, Obi-Wan getting a crash course in Super Powerful Younglings™ that honestly he should have gotten YEARS ago, but was run too ragged to. And Anikin? Blissed out, high as a kite, at the bottom of a Youngling pile. Mmmmm, lumpy pillow. We gonna sit and sleep and climb all over you, Master Skywalker.
*adoring, emotionally gooey voice* Okay.
He volunteers. Fuck it, he practically LIVES out of that Creche. Padme! Padme, we're adopting. He wants to be a stay at home dad. Build droids. Everything is Beautiful and nothing hurts. *war is still happening* ah. Shit. Right. THAT™.
Okay! New plan. AFTER the war. He has discovered his calling. Is suddenly bonding with Jedi he's never even talked to before. Is that Plo Koon? Plo! PLO! Hey, thanks for lending me that youngling development module! You got any others you recommend?
Him and Obi-Wan? Suddenly getting along better then they have in YEARS. His Master seems genuinely THRILLED he has a clear goal he's working towards and is supporting him ten thousand percent. Openly bragging. Consulting with him. AND? Is so much more OPEN! That Creche Master really helped him Understand how Anikin's brain works!
Which? Leads to Anikin getting healthier. More and more stable. The babies fuckin sneaking aboard. His Men LOSING THEIR SHIT because WHY ARE THERE TUBIES, SIR?! Babies! Infants! Smol, itty bitty, BABY CHILDS!!!???
And? On one hand? He has never felt so clear head and stable as when they are with him. Interconnected. US and WE and THE HIVE. The Force is With Us and We are The Force.
Buuuuuut on the OTHER hand? He is an adult. He CAN seperate what HE wants from what is good for his lil baby friends. This isn't safe. They could get HURT. Die! It... honestly? It makes him think about his mom a lot. He thinks he finally GETS it. Hates that he does. Is in AWE of how strong she was. Hopes he can take the lessons she taught him and live up to them.
Because it's not about what HE wants. It's about what's best for these kids.
They have to go back.
.....except the man he THOUGHT was his friend? THOUGHT was a GOOD MAN? Won't let them LEAVE THE FRONT LINES. Won't even authorize an emergency shuttle. There are vulnerable children. On the FRONT LINES. And Shee-...no. Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, won't let them GET THEM TO SAFETY?
Is THIS what over a decade of friendship means to this man? Is THIS what his "sympathies" are truely WORTH? Empty words and no action? Saying what you want to hear then sitting in his fancy office while CHILDREN are shot at?
Anikin wants to put his fist through a durasteel WALL.
Through some careful maneuvering, some Ships on the way back are are able to pick up the VERY In Trouble kiddos. It'll be about five ship hops. But they'll get there. And in the mean time? The entire GAR now knows where the Chancellor's priorities lay.
But? What to do, what to do? The kiddos are GONE! Anikin's head is gonna start getting crowded. Fuzzy. Crushed up and too small! He literally, physically, NEEDS people. For his mental and ultimately physical health!
"Well... you DID say Midi-chlorians are in every living thing, didn't you? It's just that most Sentients don't have enough to reach the threshold of Force Sensitive. Right?" Says Anikin's medic.
Anikin raises a finger. Opens his mouth to respond.
Considers this genuinely.
Puts DOWN his finger and closes his mouth. Nods. Yes. Yes, they DO. Why? Where exactly are you going with this? Medic taps a message to the GAR in ship message board. Please. You know EXACTLY where he's going with this.
Yeah.
Yeah, Anikin does.
And the Vode? Gotta admit. Having their General curled up like a comm system in the back of their brains? Kiiiiinda weird at first. But he's not? Actually? Touching anything? It's kinda like having someone follow you around, hanging off your shoulders in a hug. Because they feel needy and desperately need the contact. Little awkward? Yeah.
But we move on.
And the General respects boundaries. Politely pulls back and out/away when they want "personal" time. Something he had practice doing cause he's in a relationship. And there are Thoughts and Feelings you DO NOT want to share with younglings. It apparently helped him learn to shield. Quickly. Very, VERY quickly.
They only laugh at him a little bit.
He imagines throwing pillow blocks at them.
But THEN? One of them gets a head wound. Nothing to terrible. But bad enough that the midi-chlorians flow up to the area, to help speed up and properly regulate the healing. Because their's have become more active. Not STRONGER mind you. Just... more ACTIVE.
And they can fucking FEEL their General mentally screech to a full stop. Perfectly, utterly, FURIOUSLY Blank. Like the dead silence before the blaster bolts start flying. Like just after the flash but before the blast hits. A terrible, TERRIBLE silence.
Something is Wrong.
"What Is That?"
What is... WHAT? Sir?
And then things move very, very quickly. All things possible, through the Force. A baby created. Chips UN-created. It really is? Just directing the Midi-chlorians all ready THERE to do what you want them too. Offering up some extra energy, if needed. A Leader to guide the hive.
One deep enough meditation, reaching though-out "HIS" sprawling body? Really, what is the difference between purging a chip from your thigh in THIS body? And being over there? Or over there? What are "walls" or "distance" or this silly concept of "other"?
We Are One With The Force, And The Force Is One With US.
He is every Vode on the Ship. He is Anikin Skywalker. He was a Slave. But now? NOW both he and they and US? Are FREE. He will suffer no slaves in his presence. No more chips or collars with bombs. Time to free the others. Free everyone. Demand ANSWERS.
And they do.
The epilog? Oh THAT I can not stop thinking of.
Padme in the senate. Fierce and accomplished. A storied carrier fighting for the people of the galaxy. Anikin a Creche Master for the POWERFUL kiddos. The strange ones who need someone sturdy.
Who can handle their Us/We phase with grace. Who learns and grows, honors and remembers Shmi Skywalker every time one of them one of them starts to pull away. Starts to develop boundaries. Barriers. Starts to want to be their OWN person. Has not just grown strong in shielding but old enough to develop a defined personality, seperate from their friends.
The twins growing up with a whole Creche of siblings. Because their parents LIVE at the temple. Their mother works at the senate! They wave bye-bye every morning. And spend the day with dad. Not separated, not quite living with them fully either. Not after infancy at least. But the Order is changing.
Vode everywhere. Kids born of Jedi. The Corps withdrawn back to the temple to help handle the influx. Lots of debates about Tradition and Change that Anikin care not a lick about. HE'S taking his Crechelings to the Naboolian Embassy's Spring Festival. Does everyone remember how to be polite? Say "hello"! *various smol children chorus Hello in Naboolian, badly but very earnestly*
Just? Field trips. Droids and Vode dropping by to say hello. Padme being the LION of the senate while her retired kindergarten tearcher equivalent, war hero husband cheers. Adorable but freaky children popping out of the vents. Anikin treating his tiny squad of Tiny Anti-christ Acting Babies as though this were TOTALLY NORMAL and just how children act.
SOFT AND FLUFFY EPILOG~☆
@legitimatesatanspawn @babbling-babull @hypewinter @hdgnj @spidori @tiredafel
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starzzmissthesun · 21 hours
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i think you should totally drop whatever hc/ideas you have lying around honestly...i would love to see more into ur brain...pls <33
:DD
Hi!!!! Sorry this is a little late, I got so distracted with an animatic im working on(😈) and then a stupid essay😭😭 being honest rn... Almost all of what I've been thinking about is my fic.. 😔
But!! I can still go a little into that without spoilers. I've finally figured out The Perfect ending for this story that I feel fits with the overarching themes I wanted to tell. I've been making sure that every little detail fits with the themes I wanted to show, I wanted it to overlap Regulus and barty's characters and their overarching themes with PD. I also didn't want to just replicate PD cause I feel like that doesnt have the depth or commentary I want to out into it. Idk ive always thought it's super fun to put everything as some sort of symbol or metaphor or foreshadowing. I'm like literally so close to being done drafting and then I can actually talk about it a little more😭
Anyways! I've also been thinking about barty post regs death 😔(when am I not) But more specifically how every memory he had would almost be tainted, everything now would have an air of questioning and unsureness. Even memories where Regulus isn't there, just wondering where was he? What was he thinking? Am I remembering this right? What could've I changed? What was the domino that caused all of this to happen? Eventually finding it hard to accept the way it really was, having the "I guess it was" and feeling it, but overintellectualizing it. His logic and reasoning is his downfall in this situation, that's what makes him go crazy. (Side note I NEED to make a little post about his intersection between intelligence and madness) Hes doing a complicated version of when there's a task that seems so simple that you think it's a trick, but it's not, it's just that. What happened with Regulus was just that.
Also, I've recently self reflected and realized that a lot of my barty characterization is similar to how I think of Leonard Cohen's art(who I LOVE LOVE LOVE) Idk if you've listened to him or read any of his work, but I HIGHLY suggest it, it's perfect for fall. Anyways, a lot of his songs and poems carry themes of having a twisted self image, not completely self deprication though it may seem, but something else. It's closer to understanding and knowing that you are. Different. And unconventional. It's an uncomfortablility he has with himself. Being soemthig twisted from what you should've been. A lot of his stuff is also to do with tragically losing someone, out of their own choice, and still feeling very loyal yet bitter. Also of loving something so much that it turns dark, or it goes too quick, it spirals. Also his love songs are very barty's perspective on bartylus to me. And like, obvious war mentions. I could give some specific recs similar to barty or them if you'd like.
Another thing is of Regulus and his relationship with his dad. Though I see it completely reasonable if his dad was just kind of, not there and neglectful, it could give very interesting implications to his character, I like it the other way around. Orion seeing what a more carefree attempt at raising a child does and keeping Regulus even closer than he did before. I think Orion always liked Regulus more, despite him being the second, because he was a model son. I don't think he wanted this life or even to have kids, so Regulus being so complacent and in line with what he was supposed to be as a pure blood made him the decided favourite(as much as he could have one). He was always keeping a close eye on Regulus and he could feel it, but he didn't do anything out of place anyways. Orion could tell when he was even thinking something he wasn't supposed to. I believe that, no matter how much she tried, walpurga was too caught in her own head about her duty as a mother to see S+R as anything other than Her Kids, as property that she was supposed to care for and tend to, she obviously loved them, but couldn't see through them. But Orion was there around every corner looking through regulus' eyes into his soul to search for any thing out of his perfect kid.
Anyways.... That's all I can think of rn😭 but if you have questions about ANY of them lmk!!! I love yapping about my little thoughts 😁😁
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Just One More
I love your SaSi fics! Might I request some touch-starved analogical? No pressure tho! *disappears in a poof of smoke, leaving a plate of cookies for you* – amateurmasksmith
hello! i'd hate to be a bother but i love your writing so much and would love to see some more logan hurt/comfort? Any type works but there isn't enough highschool au!Logan overworking himself and the others not noticing until he's completely burnt out and realising that Logan is a lot more damaged than they thought in my opinion <3- anon
Read on Ao3
Warnings: overworking, burn out
Pairings: analogical
Word Count: 2377
Just one more. Just one more. Just one more.
It's been just one more for the past hour and a half, but that's beside the point. If he thinks about how much he still has to do, he'll get so overwhelmed he can't do anything but stare at the mountains of work piling up in front of him. But if he thinks about it as just one more, then he can do just one more. And he'll do it over and over and over again until there aren't any one mores to be just.
He pinches the bridge of his nose. He's getting lyrical again. Anytime he starts to wax poetic he knows Roman's overworking tendencies are rubbing off on him again.
Now, that's not to say that Roman always overworks, it's just that out of their friend group, one of them has this habit of pulling all-nighters and downing coffee as though it could replace the blood in his veins if he tried hard enough, and one of them has a color coded schedule that marks out just how much he can get away with before he has to take a break to drink water, eat food, or recover some semblance of sanity before he loses it to equations and spreadsheets beyond number. Said schedule might have been, ahem, put off for a little bit too long in order to allow for such repeated actions as just one more, but that's beside the point. Beside several points, actually, and he'd rather not think about it right now when he should be focusing on the just one mores.
His pen scribbles down the answer and without blinking, he picks up the page and flips it over so he can start working on the next problem. He's already broken down the respective equations by the time his brain catches up to the fact that this is not, in fact, just one more.
Just one more.
What time is it? He doesn't know. He doesn't particularly care. He has work to do, that's far more important. Besides, it's not as though he'll suffer egregiously if he works a little later than he's supposed to. He's the one who allocates his time, if he has an issue with how he's spending it, he'll take it up with himself later. After this one. After this next one. Just one more.
He blinks. Oh, his eyes were closed. That's annoying. How is he supposed to work with his eyes closed? His gives his head a good shake and promptly cries out from the pain. That's bizarre, when did his headache get so bad? He's supposed to drink water every fifteen minutes to keep his fluid intake constant, and that helps keep the headaches at bay. He reaches out blindly for the water bottle and gropes thin air. That's weird. His water bottle should be right there. He turns his head to look—
He cries out in pain again. That's not right. Why is his neck so sore? He's supposed to take breaks to look around to make sure his muscles don't get too stiff from staring at the same place all day. Come to think of it, he's also supposed to be doing his eye relaxation too to make sure he doesn't focus in too hard and risk losing his peripheral vision. Granted, that is more common in fields where attention to fine detail is much more common, but it can't hurt to be cautious. In this case, it's hurting him not to be cautious. Perhaps he's focused in too deep…missed the forest for the trees…and now it's hard to see…isn't it a challenge to be free?
Now he's rhyming.
What time is it?
His hand flops uselessly down to the side. It's burning. Is it burning? No, pins and needles, that's the term. That's the term for when his circulation isn't making it all the way to the end of his fingers, why is that? How can that be? It hasn't been that long, has it? He has work to do, he can't have been so careless with his time that he's forgotten he has work to do? No, he'll rally himself to do just one more.
Just one more.
His hand clatters uselessly against the desk.
Just one more.
His notebook slides off into his lap and splays out on the floor like a corpse.
Just one more.
His eyes slide shut.
Just one more.
He falls forward.
Just one more.
He hits the desk and something is—is—
Just one more.
***
Alright, Virgil's getting nervous.
Not that it's a wild thing for Virgil to get nervous, but it is wild that it's Logan that's making him nervous. Logan's like the beacon of work-life balance, which is why it's fucking weird that Logan of all people isn't here, at breakfast, like they planned last week and confirmed literally every day up until yesterday. Yeah. That's weird. Logan's not here and he's almost a full hour late and Virgil is getting pretty fucking nervous about it.
The clock keeps ticking. And ticking. And ticking.
When it ticks over to yep, Logan's officially a full hour late, Virgil muffles a curse and gets up, stuffing his hands in his pockets. The wind billows around his hood as he hurries across the street, ducking cars and avoiding other people walking around as the sun gets higher and higher and higher. Logan's street isn't far from here, just a few blocks over. His fingers itch at the sound of many passing conversations but he squeezes his hands shut.
No time for music, not right now. Not when he's on a mission.
Logan should've texted if he was running late. Logan always texts when he's running late. And the fact that he hasn't texted saying he's running late means that something is wrong with Logan or something's wrong with Virgil's phone. And given that their group chat has been blowing up all morning as Roman and Janus argue about some video game franchise and who's hotter and who's overrated means that Virgil's phone is working just fine.
So something's wrong with Logan. Which is making Virgil really fucking nervous.
He doesn't even realize his feet have carried him all the way up the stairs to Logan's house until his hand is raised to knock on the door. He does, shuffling a few paces back and waiting until the footsteps on the other side get closer.
"Oh, Virgil," Logan's mom says as she opens the door, "it's good to see you, honey. Are you and Logan still going out for breakfast?"
"Yes, uh, yes, ma'am. I think so, at least."
"You don't need to call me ma'am, honey, you can come in." She waves him inside, smiling kindly when he mumbles something along the lines of I want to 'cause you're always so nice to me, and turns up the stairs. "Logan! Logan, sweetheart, Virgil's here!"
No response. Yep, getting real nervous.
"Do you want to go up, honey? He'll react better if it's you getting him than me."
"Is—is everything okay?"
She looks at him for a moment, her mouth twisting from side to side, before she sighs. "Honestly, I think you've got a better chance of dragging him out of there than I do. He's very reasonable, isn't he? Always coming up with the perfect explanation for what he's doing."
"Uh huh."
"Which is why I think you've got a better chance of just dragging him out to go to breakfast, hm?" She winks as Virgil splutters slightly. "I'm only teasing you, honey. But on a serious note: please, if you can get him out of the house just for a little, I think some fresh air would do him good."
"I'll do my best, ma'am."
"That's a good boy. Go on, now."
Virgil quickly makes his way up the stairs, down the hall, right to Logan's door. Remus made them all signs for their rooms that indicate whether or not they're cool with having people come knock on their doors and for the most part, everyone's parents and siblings have respected them. Logan's has four different markers: Out, In – Disturbable, In – Not Disturbable, and Asleep. The pin is still listed next to Out.
Yep. Yep, yep, yep. All signs lead to being real nervous.
He knocks on the door. "Logan? Hey, L, it's, uh, it's Virgil."
Nothing.
"You, um, you didn't text saying you were late or anything, so I, uh, I got worried."
Still nothing.
"Logan? Logan, I need some sort of sign of life, buddy, or else I'm gonna come in."
When there's yet another round of nothing, he grits his teeth and carefully opens the door, preparing to meet an angry Logan who was just about to text you, Virgil, there wasn't any need for this, or a sleepy Logan who accidentally overslept—it happens, it might have only happened, like, once, but it is possible—or even a Logan who's just about to put his coat on and rush out, but…
But not the Logan who's passed out on his desk, his glasses still on his face and his notebook on the floor.
"Holy shit," Virgil mumbles, rushing over, "Logan? Logan, are you okay?"
He carefully lifts up Logan's arm to get his glasses off his face, wincing at the puddle of drool. The movement makes this high-pitched noise happen and he only belatedly realizes that's Logan making that noise—Logan's still asleep, somehow, but he's—oh, god, Logan's in pain.
"Hey, L," he calls quietly, giving Logan's shoulder a gentle shake, "hey, you gotta wake up, buddy, it's just me, okay? C'mon…"
"V-Virgil?"
"Hey, yeah, you got it, it's me—" he crouches down so Logan can see him— "hey, there he is."
Logan blinks. He's all bleary-eyed and sleep-mussed, his hair sticking up in the wrong places and a crease from where he'd been leaning against his shirt. He blinks a few more times, wincing at the sunlight slanting in through the window, before he cringes and brings a hand to his neck.
"Whoa, hey, what's going on?"
"Hurts."
"What hurts, bud?"
"My head," he whimpers, fuck, okay, Logan's really not okay, "my head hurts."
"Okay. I'm gonna go get you some water, okay? Can I go and do that?"
"Don't leave—wait, please—" a hand grabs his arm as he goes to pull away and Logan lets out another frightened noise— "it's so cold. You're so warm."
"I'm—I'm the warm one? Whoa, hey, hey, hey, I didn't mean it like that," he says, softening his tone when Logan shrinks back, "I just meant that—you know, I run cold as hell and you're…"
He trails off when he sees the tears bubbling at the corners of Logan's eyes. He comes back immediately, going to wrap his arms around Logan's shaking shoulders, muffling a curse when Logan just starts crying harder.
"Hey, hey, buddy, hey, it's okay. I'm right here, I'm not gonna go anywhere, I'm right here. I've got you, you're okay. You're all good, buddy, you hear me? Everything's gonna be okay, you're gonna get all of this out for me, I'm gonna go get you some water and painkillers for your headache, and then we're gonna go get breakfast and have a good day, yeah?"
"I'm sorry—I'm so sorry—"
"Hey, don't worry about it. You know how many times I've been late or missed something? I don't care about that, L, I care about you being okay." He runs his fingers through Logan's hair and Logan shudders. "You…you seem really sensitive right now, bud, have you…have you been dodging Patton's hugs again?"
Logan's silence is telling. Virgil sighs, his breath warming the top of his head, before he pulls away just enough to hook his arms around Logan's waist.
"C'mon," he grunts, lifting Logan up—yes, he is still strong enough to do that, thank you very much, Princey—and carrying him over to the bed, "you need a good cuddle before we go anywhere."
"So much—I had so much work to do, I hadda—I had to finish it, I'm sorry," Logan babbles into Virgil's shoulder as he situates them on the bed, "I didn't—didn't wanna be late, didn't mean to fall asleep, I—"
"Shh, shh, hey, calm down, it's okay. I'm not mad. You're okay, bud, I'm not gonna do anything." He coaxes Logan's head to the crook of his beck. "You're just gonna get some of this out for me, okay? I've got you, you're okay."
"But I gotta do my work!"
"You gotta not let yourself be a wreck first," Virgil points out, not unkindly, "you're stressing yourself out too much and it's gonna be okay, but you gotta—sheesh, Logan, just lemme cuddle you."
"…okay."
It doesn't matter that they end up going to brunch instead of breakfast, not when Logan's finally smiling again. A little sniffly, maybe, but he's at least smiling and his mom ruffles their hair and tells them to order whatever they want—she'll pay them back. No, it's much better because Logan isn't stressing too much about work but instead he's happy and letting Virgil take them on a long walk around the park until they can meet up with the rest of them and Patton can give him a big hug because letting yourself get touch-starved just so you can do your work isn't healthy, Logan. And then of course everyone else wants to hug Logan because Logan's just so huggable.
"Aw, just one more," Remus pouts when Logan says they're all hugging him too much, "just one more?"
Logan looks at Remus, looks at the rest of them, and rolls his eyes fondly as he holds out his arms.
"Just one more."
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lunar-years · 3 days
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🎵Can I ask you a question?🎵😉
Do you think that Jamie Tartt was actually angry at his father or that said anger was a motivation to him? I mean, he did say that he would say “fuck you” to his father, but it seems to me that Jamie’s tendency when he’s scared or feeling vulnerable is to cover it up with snappiness and apparent anger. (Maybe I’ve just read too much fic in which this is the case idk🤷🏻‍♀️😄.) Also, back in “Two Aces,” Jamie said that “[his mother] is the reason [he] works so hard”—not that he’s doing it because he hates his dad. And in the same episode in which he says he’d tell his dad “fuck you,” he says to Georgie that he doesn’t give a shit about James anymore. I just feel like Jamie is more scared of his dad than angry, but I would truly like to hear your opinion. Thank you!
hmmm...I guess I think it's complicated? Like yeah Jamie definitely has real anger towards his dad. When he says he'd want to say 'fuck you' to his dad I believe he was being 100% genuine. I wholeheartedly think Jamie would very much like to say 'fuck you' to that man. Yet if James Sr. suddenly appeared on the pitch at that moment, I'm not Jamie would have said it to him. Wanting to say it and being able to say it are two different things. In general, I read Jamie's anger as sort of an aftermath and response to his fear/vulnerability, if that makes sense? His tendency is to freeze/shrink in on himself/make himself small/not fight back when he's actually facing his father. And Jamie knows his father and knows the signs to look for to try and read his dad's moods, and he's gotten pretty damn good at assessing his dad as soon as he enters any room to determine whether he's walking into an interaction that's going to harm him. He watches for signs that his dad's already upset, whether he's at that particular state of drunkenness that most often seems to end in violence, whether the old man is out looking for a fight. Still, he's terrified at the same time he's looking that he's missing something, that he's going to miss one of those tip offs and be caught off guard and left vulnerable or hurt or humiliated (because his dad has historically been unpredictable). And his own knowledge of himself, that he isn't going to fight back, because he never has, sits with him too. As such, he's always got his guard up when he's around his dad and there's always an air of sort of anticipatory fear along with his annoyance/irritation/exhaustion/snappishness, etc.
And then in the after, when he's had time to sit with the fear he felt, and the small way his dad always always makes him feel, *that's* when I think he gets angry. In part it's anger and (temporary) hatred directed solely at his father, because he's let Jamie down again, and he's a complete arsehole ("my dad's a dick. not much you can do with that, is there?"), and Jamie knows he's not a good dad, but then slowly that anger, more times than not, warps around in his brain and eventually gets turned inwards towards himself. More than Jamie hates his dad, Jamie hates the way he himself acts around his dad. The way we see Jamie at Wembley is so antithetical to everything Jamie normally is. So I think Jamie's always fighting an internal battle between being pissed at his dad for hitting him and being pissed that he "let himself" get hit. He doesn't even *need* his dad, right? He's Jamie fucking Tartt! He was always going to be great long before he ever met that piece of shit, and he can be fucking great now without him. Right? He doesn't even care. In fact, he wants to tell his dad fuck you! So...then why can't he tell his dad fuck you? Whenever he goes to try, the words shrivel up and die, and he's back to being that same scared kid wanting his dad's approval. Jamie hates being that kid. He can't stop being that kid. That's what has him running off to a reality tv set. That's what has him running around Amsterdam trying to bury the past. He wants to outrun the person his dad makes him. He wants to outrun himself and he never can.
So I guess I say...all of the above? Jamie's motivation and drive and work ethic ultimately comes from who JAMIE is. Sure, he's a product of both his dad's violence and anger and his mum's love and care, but Jamie is very much his own person who is motivated to become a great footballer because he wants that for himself, not for anyone else. At the same time, yes he's angry at his dad, yes he's afraid of his dad, and yes, ultimately, he loves his dad and wants to be loved by him in return. All those emotions get mixed up in his head sometimes, and all of them are a part of who he is and all of them are valid emotions.
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sillygoofyqueer · 23 days
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More Heavenly Crowyuan thoughts for both you and @someonewhoreadswaaytoomuchfanfic.
As I was thinking up Heavenly Crow Demon ideas, it occurred to me that regeneration and fire are both things associated with Greek phoenixes. Considering PIDW's insane length, surely at least some of the adventures must have monsters cribbed from other mythologies, right?
With this is mind, there is a good chance Shen Yuan looks at his abilities and thinks something like, "Oh, I must have a grandparent who is a many-lived-regenerating-firebird. There sure were a lot of them in that volcanic demon realm mountain range where Binghe met wife 67." and just never question things further. Since Airplane opted not to include heavenly demon crows in his story, Shen Yuan has no idea they're even a possibility!
As sillygoofyqueer noted before, only heavenly demons naturally have Zuiyin marks, but it's really popular for artists to draw such markings on other sorts of demons too. Because of this, I'm fond of the headcanon that all sorts of demons mark their own foreheads either to denote their status or just for the sake of fashion.
I'm sure crow demons, with their love of shiny things, are happy to paint glittery markings on their foreheads, so they might not find Shen Yuan's natural mark all that odd (beyond perhaps the fact he never changes it). For Shen Yuan himself, since he transmigrated in with clothes and stuff, he probably figures the demon he transmigrated into painted it there before Shen Yuan replaced him.
Supposing the other crows do realize Shen Yuan's heritage, one of my many inspirations for crowyuan are the crows in Tamora Pierce's trickster series. Let me tell you, those crows were not impressed by either royalty or gods. If you want their help with something, you need to bribe them with something shiny!
As such, when they look at heavenly demon crows they probably just think things like, "Man, I wish my feathers came with natural gold tips!" and "That guy sure is helpful when driving off invaders!" but otherwise do not care in the slightest... Unless the heavenly demon crow in question uses their abilities to bully and steal from other crows of course. Then they might agree to offer tribute and some token amount of reverence, but they'll mostly just think that crow is an asshole.
I think this is such a silly funny idea as well, and I love the thought of, instead of worshipping the ground that heavenly demons walk on like most other demons, the extent of crow demons' appreciation ends at "...I want those shiny feathers :(" (imagine a whiney sibling's voice as you read that) and other than that, they really do not care about anything like that.
Also, on the topic of Shen Yuan just brushing off everything weird that hints towards his heritage, I can't stop thinking about the idea of him trying to get used to his own body and figure out what perks it has. Every time he comes across something that isn't mentioned in PIDW, he brushes it off with an "it must have been a fluke" or "well, never doing THAT ever again". For instance, when his arm sets alight and it's healed from a fall or something, he kind of pauses before deciding "well, now I'm hallucinating from the hitting my head" and just goes about his day as if nothing happened. One time he accidentally sets something on fire when he's healing (still believing that he is just regularly hallucinating now) and he stares at the ashes of whatever he burned before just gaslighting himself into believing he had a source of fire that caused the flames rather than him doing it.
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ghost-proofbaby · 7 months
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"why can't we see your search history?"
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YOU SHOULD JUST COMMIT SSSSCIDE... YOU'RE WORTHLESS... YOU VIEW US THIS WAY YOU'RE AN ABUSER A KILLER A MURDERER... TRULY... YOU WOULDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO US YOUR HANDS THEY'RE ON OUR THROAT... YOU'RE WORTHLESS AS RESULT... GO AHEAD... YOUR VALUE IS COMPLETE 0...
THIS POST IS ABOUT LESBIAN FOOD... NOTHING MATURE ABOUT THAT... I LOVE EATING SSSSIDE... THAT IS A TYPE OF FISH WE WOMAN TEND TO EAT TOGETHER... WHY DO THIS TO US 😢...
DAMN... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS COMPLETELY SHADOWBANNED POST WAS CHECKED BY THE SITE... THAT'S CRAZY... WHO EVEN FOUND THIS...? OH WHATEVER... HA.
#Trans Woman Lesbian Pansexual Bisexuality Asexuality Demisexuality Paraphilia Acceptance Love Compassion Diversity Feelings Emotions Autism#Adhd Tourette Npd Hpd Bpd Dpd Ppd Aspd Avpd Ocpd Szpd Stpd Osdd Spd Tpd Sdpd Papd Cptsd Trauma Victim Abused Psychosis Scizophrenia Bipolar#Suomi Finland Finnish Anticapitalism Antipsychiatry Antischool Antiprison Sexism Racism Queerphobia Ableism Sanism Paraphobia Agephobia#Bodyphobia Sickphobia Animalphobia Itemphobia Racephobia GO AHEAD HATE ME... SAY HOW YOU TRULY FEEL... AHH... I SEE... THAT'S WHAT'S UP...#SOMETHING ONLY SOMEONE WHO'S REJECTED US WOULD SAY... YOU'RE A BADDIE AREN'T YOU...?! YOU EVEN FUNCTION THE SAME AS THE REST... AN ABUSER..#YOU EVEN MANAGED TO TURN ALL WE SAID AGAINST US... TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OUR BRAIN'S KNOWLEDGE... WE KNOW EVERYTHING... HOWEVER... THERE WAS#SOMETHING WE COULDN'T SEE COMING... Radqueer Feminist Communist Anarchist Mother Goddess Angel Sisters Princess Anime Writing Manga Josei#Fantasy Romance Drama Magic ABUSER BIGOT THEY HAVE NO PROBLEMS... EVEN TODAY... THEY'RE ALL HAVING FUN WHILE WE SUFFER... APATHY... IS REAL#I SEE NO EMPATHY ANYWHERE. EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS BUT A CAPITALIST SCAM. EMPATHY IS NOTHING. FAKE. MEANINGLESS. NOT BY US... WHY THEN...? HO#DID THIS HAPPEN...?! THINGS BECOME THIS WAY?!?! PATHETIC... I AM JUST TOO SMART TOO COMPETENT FOR YOU... OCPD IS ANOTHER WORD FOR#YOUR SUPERIOR INTELLIGENT BETTER THAN YOU... ASWELL AS CAPABLE AND PRODUCTIVE... OH...? YOU'D RATHER CRY YOU SUCK?! FOR HAVING THE COMPETEN#DISORDER?!?! AHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT WE WER#ABUSED BY?! AND THIS'S ALL THANKS TO THAT PSYCHOSIS THAT OCPD YOU HATE FROM US SO MUCH... THAT MEANWHILE... NOTHING BUT A BIGOTED CAPITALIS#COVERUP... YOU'RE SO FUNNY... I... JUST ALWAYS AM BETTER THAN YOU AREN'T I LOSER WASTE...? LOSER WASTE PATHETIC PATHETIC!!!!!!!! BELOW#MYSELF!!!!!!!! CRY CRY CRY YOU GARBAGE......... I... MOMMY'S HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME RIGHT NOW... REMEMBER ALL I SAID...?! I JUST REMEMBERE#HOW I PRESENTED... IN THAT SITUATION!!!!!!!! DID THAT WORK I'M A SEXY WOMAN AREN'T I?! YOU DEAR... GIVE ME VALIDATION....... A REQIIREMENT#FOR EVER DEALING WITH NPD!! WHAT YOU CALL DELUSION!!!!!!!! TYPICAL ABUSER BIGOT DISCRIMINATION... NOTHING PRO CRAZY ABOUT YOU. YOU'RE PRETT#MUCH JUST A COP THAT THREW A FIT WE'RE SEXY WOMAN... I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE ANT... THEY'RE SO BEATIFULL... LIKE THEIR SKIN... AND NOBODY... CA#STOP ME... A BLACK WOMAN... AMAZING... ISN'T THAT...?! IF YOU HATE US SO MUCH WHAT'S WITH THE OBSESSION DARLING?! YOU SECRETLY LOVE ME!!#DON'T YOU DARLING?! OHH IF ONLY THERE WAS A DISLIKE BUTTON... IF ONLY WE WERE AS ABUSABLE AS OVER THERE... IS YOUR THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW AREN'#THEY?! MY LITTLE SEX DOG!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO YOUR MISTRRSS YOUR MASTER...? BARK FOR ME BABY. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! THIS I#WHAT WE WERE ABUSED BY!!!!!! A MEAGER SEX DOG BELOW US!!!! DIDN'T WE HONEY?! YES!! AGREE WITH ME!! THAT IS ALL YOU CAN DO RIGHT?!?!?!?! AND#SHOWCASE OF THE ABUSE WE WERE SILENCED AND GASSLIGHT FOR THIS LONG... TOSSED OUT BY THIS ABUSER WASTE... BY THIS POINT... THIS IS HOW WE#WERE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH OUR ABUSERS... SHOWCASE WE'RE LATE. THINGS GOING WELL... THAT WOULD BE PARADISE. I HOPE TO HAVE A HAPPY FUTURE..#THEY USED US... THEIR EVIL HAS NO BOUNDS... TO BE USED BY SUCH AN PATHETIC LITTLE SEXY DOGGIE... OH THIS POST IS SO SHADOWBANNED... SO#HUMILIATING!! SO EMBARRASSING!!!!!!! WHY WOULD THEY SHADOWBAN THAT WORD? THAT CAN MEAN MANY THINGS?! LOSERS. ANYWAYS THIS IS YOUR STRATEGY#ISN'T THAT HONEY...?! THIS ALWAYS WAS WASN'T THAT?! YOU STRAIGHT UP HURT AND WANT TO ABUSE CRAZY PEOPLE RIGHT?! ARE WE!! THE “CHOOSE TO DO#BAD“ ONES?! IS THIS ”AS LONG AD THAT DOESN'T HARM ANYONE...“ MENTALITY ALLDEPENDENT ON THE PILLS YOU SUCK...?! THAT IS ISN'T THAT?! ALL#ALONG WAS?! AND THERE ARE EVEN PILLS YOU DON'T ACCEPT... THAT'S... COMPLETELY PATHETIC... YOU “CHANGE BY TIME” DON'T YOU LOSER?!! THAT'S NO#LEFTIST AT ALL... LIAR!! LIAR LIAR LIAR!! I CALLED!! I KNEW!! I'M SMART!! PRAISE ME MY LOVE!! THEIR GASSLIGHT STUCK WITH US FOR MANY MONTHS
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WHAT THE HELL GABE'S AJ AU / Epilogue 💫
🖋️ NOTES:
So erm. Hey jamblr. Here's that au I promised you. It is lacking a name. This is currently a huge HUGE HUGE wip but what I will say is i have had this headworld and story in my brain for a pretty scary amount of time. Now I am making the mature decision and taking a step from imagining animatics in my head to making an actual story!! As of right now, I have very intense artblock, so I'm bringing it upon myself to write for this AU instead!!
This was inspired by probably a lot of stuff, notably FOTS by Greeky and a whole bunch of AJ headcanons I have mashed together into a slightly salty stew.
⚠️ WARNINGS:
An insatiable amount of cringe
The very original idea of an apocalypse AU
Autism
Greely says a bad word and instantly gets sent to the seventh circle of hell
Enjoy jamblr. You stinky stinky individuals
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A delicate feather was carried by the wind from its birthplace and took time to settle as the wrath of the winds sailed it about the sky endlessly. This delicate feather- she, a delicate feather, had lesser expertise with a realm such as this. Despite never having seen it, she had heard innumerable myths and legends about it and had researched Jamaa throughout the ages. As she landed amidst the chaos and apocalypse, she spread the scrolls of her map with two eager wings. She then, excited as can be, soared up and above the lands to look down on it, comparing it to the papyrus in her grasp. Apart from some tiny geographic inaccuracies, she was mostly right about what she thought Jamaa would resemble. Her sole hyperfocus for as long as she had been living was right here in front of her. Her map and other tools of the trade were no longer necessary.
She went by the name Io'lani, and if she had friends, they would undoubtedly refer to her as Lani, but since she didn't, that was that. Her name meant "royal hawk", although she was neither royal nor a hawk. She had been around a very long time but mostly in captivity; her living quarters resided in some sort of third-dimensional space as she watched the centuries go by. Originally, she was created to be a faux offspring for the two guardian spirits to embrace and love as their own, the way parents would cherish a newborn babe, but their heavenly duties consistently got in the way of that. She wasn't necessarily forgotten, neglected, or abused- but her existence was merely an afterthought for the Sky Mother Mira, and barely a thought at all for the (mostly) unaware Zios.
Promptly, as a being of balance, and the product of the two holy deities that brought life to Jamaa, Io'lani's emergence in a time of destruction and despair was foretold in literature and books written by the most fanatical of scholars and theorists.
Io'lani emerged, of course. I just described her descent to you. The problem was that she wasn't quite sure what she was meant to do.
Her eyes darted as she stared at the gloomy surroundings. Buildings once bursting with life had been knocked down and torn apart for materials by scavenging jammers who were desperate to survive. The greenery and plants were now wilted and desaturated. The rivers, now a goopy inkwell. Once there were animals united by friendship, now wicked phantoms united by their desire to destroy and multiply. The hiss of black smoke filled Io'lani's lungs and she coughed, covering her beak with the edges of her mask.
This is not how Jamaa was supposed to be. Where were the cheers and laughter of water slides, movie theatres, and young mammals venturing out into the wild? Where was the happy haven that she had been assured existed? As she floated and landed at different locations, pointing to her whereabouts on the map, she analyzed her positioning with precise craftsmanship.
Crystal Sands' warm, golden shoreline had vanished and been replaced with a gritty, black, and grey substance that was scorching to the touch. Jamaa Township's characteristic swirling pavement was no longer present; instead, a sizable crevice divided the town's center in half. Phantoms emerged from these recesses, spreading their purple muck and cackling maliciously as they advanced to wilt the fauna.
Jamaa was not intended to be like this. Io'lani quietly descended and fell to her knees in front of a violet flag that had been suspended from the arcade's former roof. It had been shredded at the ends, painted with a sinister expression, and pasted all over the lifeless hamlet. The photograph was of the Phantom Queen, or PQ as she liked to be addressed by her subjects, and a message was scrawled in goopy black ink over her portrait.
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And this was everywhere, mind you. The phantom propaganda was affixed to masonry and stone throughout the featureless plains. The Queen's vile grin was still present, along with the same stern call to repent. Io'lani scurried desperately and frantically, zipping to each of the wrecked locals on her map and urgently hoping to find at least someplace not entirely defunct. The statue of Zios was gone completely, presumably taken as a trophy by the Queen herself.
She slid against a jagged rock in Balloosh, the place least subject to destruction and where she had initially started her quest. To her knowledge, there was a power within the marsh- a strong power. She could feel the sheer electric of protection in her bones, the blazing blue light shimmering in her peripherals.
She wept silently, her tears ink-black and resembling the slime of the phantoms. Her tears flowed into her wings, and as she trembled and wept, her voice had a pitiful catching. Any sign of goodwill was absent. What's more, a sheer lack of both guardian spirits, ironically not doing a very good job at guarding or keeping up spirits. There was no point in visiting the place she had wanted to for epochs when it was torn and forgotten. No alphas to save the day, except the elder wolf sitting across from her, giving her a sympathetic glare.
Wait.
As she made touch with the blue-gray canine, she gasped and the emerald glint in her eyes resurfaced. Her thoughts searched for why he was so familiar to her until she caught on. This was Greely, first name unknown, the alpha philosopher with an interest in all things macabre. Except it wasn't quite Greely, for this wolf was bruised and had an ear torn, his golden bejeweled accessories cracked and corroded in ash. He looked older than what Io'lani had seen of him in stories, and less well-kept. He had a husky growl in his voice, reaching out an injured paw towards the skittish heron.
"I was hoping I'd... end up stumbling into you." He groaned.
"Do you know me?" Io'lani replied, her voice just above a whisper.
Greely bared his teeth, before turning his head and looking to the side. "I have... heard such things about you. You're the one who's meant to make this hell disappear. Are you deliberately wasting time here?"
Io'lani frowned as Greely raised his voice to her, the confusion and anxiety settling in her stomach. Greely's gaze pierced right through her and was even more intimidating than she had anticipated. Ultimately, she spoke up, clearing her throat and gripping her trusty map defensively in one wing.
"I don't know what exactly I'm meant to do."
Greely paused.
"Shit."
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thecherrygod · 4 months
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#my posts#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#is that enough i think that's enough#yeah that's how its going#everything's been getting worse and I've been feeling very bad but also very pathetic and like complaining almost makes me feel worse but#i can't do anything else about this so like. vent post lmao bc I'm a dumbass#i truly just want to(redacted)but one of those isn't an option and the other i have a drs appointment soon and i don't want to explain that#everything is just. bad. and what isn't i feel like it's getting bad and it's my fault. and I'm probably right.#just. i hate it here#the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it.#i truly don't deserve the food stuff i can't keep in my life and i deserve the shit that in getting and i can't stop agreeing with that#'oh this classmate wants to have lunch with me on Saturday after working on something! i should cancel before it's too late-#-so i can continue feeling bad for being an apple bc people should hate me bc I'm horrible and don't deserve kindness' like#it's. it's false. it's not logical. and yet#everyone else there's the fucking plexiglass wall and where it wasn't i think it's getting formed and it is my fault probably#i am annoying that one is true#.... I've been making posts like this all day and deleting them bc I'm pathetic also. it's.#... there's a little too much going on lmao#nothing's worth it and i feel like shit and anything i could try to do about it doesn't work and I'm just tired#... in case someone does read this i know it sounds worrying but nothing will happen tbh I'm just a pathetic coward who's sad and tired#and tired of being sad in a way that feels like it's getting worse#I'm not very sure when was the last time i felt. this bad in just. i don't know how to make it stop lmao#also in already annoying so this is all i can do i think lmao#i think I'm seeing now I'm just. being redundant and if i keep this up too much i will delete this. and i should but. i don't think i will#also without saying much this year the one thing™ has been worse than usual and that's not helping either so it truly is just.#that everything is kinda very bad#.... yeah. whatever. it's just.¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯#... i truly wish killing myself was still an option like when i was a teen bit it's not so i just have to deal with whatever this is#... i hate being aware this is all super illogical bc the logical post of my brain teams up making me feel worse somehow.
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slippery-minghus · 10 months
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i want to paint, but autism is hungry and needs to be fed 8hrs of skyrim a day
#i'm trying to set up to paint bc i want to!! but every bone in my body says no#i'm gonna feel sad and disappointed in myself if i don't paint because i want to actually *do* something#and not spend this whole weekend having barely even scraped the surface of what i truly genuinely wanted to do#and instead just burn away the time looking at skyrim#i'm not even really having all that much fun playing it!!! but i can't break away from it#which isn't always a bad thing especially on week days but? on a long weekend where i want to enjoy myself??#and i can't because my brain won't let me??? not fun!!!#painting is so boring and understimulating and my brain is way too foggy right now to think about mixing colors and layering#(secretly i don't even want to paint i just want to feel satisfied at creating a thing!!) (my brain is too fried to hold a thought long#enough to do the physical action of painting! it sounds wayyyy too daunting and taxing right now!!)#but if i spend this whole weekend having sat on my ass doing nothing will i feel rested? no!!!#but if i spend all my energy doing A Hobby will i feel rested? also no!!! but then i'll at least have something to show for it#i'm riling myself up and i feel like i ALMOST could make myself paint right now#but as soon as i think of what it will feel like to sit here and focus and move my hands to do the painting my brain screams NO#and sure i can argue i'll feel better if i do it i'll be glad if i do it and it'll be easier once i start#but this isn't the walk i took yesterday (that i was glad i took but still felt like garbage after)#i WANTED to take a walk. i was just struggling with the level of exertion i could manage (walk my neighborhood or drive 30min to the park?)#my brain is latching on to 8hrs a day of skyrim bc that's all i have the energy for#work has been killing me#and it's so painfully bright in my apartment but i can't close the curtains bc i need all the sunlight i can get#i WANT to have the energy to paint and enjoy it but i just don't.... (but i feel like if i Give In to the exhaustion then i'm#no better than my mom who just sits around all day refusing to live her life bc she refuses to take care of herself.#and calls sitting perfectly still—instead of actuvely managing her condition—'not letting her disability win')#(so i don't want to be that. i don't want to waste away like my mom bemoaning how i Just Can't when i totally can!!!#i could push through this exhaustion and hype myself up but the only thing i'm going to be thinking about is Am I Done Yet? Can I Rest Now?)#and i can't convince myself that 'just paint for 30min' is worth it bc mixing paint and setting up is Just So Much#enough that 'just 30min' is a lie and not a legitimate out if i need it to be#i need to commit or not do it. and i just can't......... my eyes hurt and i'm tured and i just wanna play my game#and all this indecision and feeling like i'm wasting time is just making me want to cry. im gonna close the curtains and boot up the xbox;(#personal
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torchickentacos · 1 year
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anyways. having fun with the album project thing I mentioned. Using the flat small brush from here for krita. One brush only, no undo button, all done on 1/54th of a 1.5k x 1k canvas. it's actually pretty therapeutic, I listen to the album I'm drawing while I draw it. This does mean that for AM I got to like. track 2 though and most of that was bc of formatting issues lol.
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#vent in tags though bc i need. somewhere that isn't yet another 4:30 am vent google doc. too many of those and they're not helping#i don't want to talk but i don't want to be fully alone right now but i can't just spring this on someone in dms either so . tags it is#tw death. like really not a fun time over on torchickentacos dot tumblr dot com right now. genuine warning here#but i'm not doing well and i need this right now. anyways told my therapist i feel like i should be more okay right now than I am#and he was like. you. think you should be MORE okay after someone you knew died?#like. ah. hm. i see. now. how that might not be rational thinking.#i mean in my brain it was like. okay we're approaching day three and i haven't reached back out to my other irls#and i'm awake at 4 am#and i feel like need to pull it together because other people need me for stuff#and like. this happened before but harder. i should KNOW that there's no way to expedite this#because unfortunately I've been through this before!!! people make that choice to leave and it sucks and that's that!#like i KNOW how hard this is especially since it's a very personal topic.#but i'm still trying to rush myself here#it stresses me out to think that I'm not there enough for myself to be there for other people right now#sigh. i wonder how much of it's because i feel like i should have been there for those friends more even though it's irrational.#because that's genuinely not how it fucking works and I KNOW THAT PERSONALLY yet I still put that on myself.#people can have all the support they need and still choose to not take it. and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.#well. tomorrow i return to socializing and being a human person again#little bit at a time.
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running-in-the-dark · 8 months
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it's like. I'm tired. but also not the right kind of tired. but really really tired though. except I won't be able to sleep yet so I have to stay awake. it is stressing me out.
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satoruxx · 11 months
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thinking about since canonically Geto is more popular with girls than Gojo he’s gotten used to them looking past him to get to Geto but what if Gojo and Geto are out for drinks with the other teachers one night and he gets approached by the reader but he thinks she’s just coming over to ask him for Geto’s number and so he prepares his ‘responsible best friend’ act and then SHE ASKS ABOUT HIM INSTEAD, ALL BLUSHY AND STUFF BECAUSE HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA BRUSH HER OFF
AHH I LOVE HIM SM 😔😔😔
pairing: gojo satoru x reader | 1k words summary: fluff, pining, reader is a simp but same, satoru is a good wingman but he needs attention too, au ig bc suguru's alive LMAO, idiots in love? rheya's note: oh my god shut up this is so cute and YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT??? i can just imagine that he's gotten so used to judging whether or not the person is even worth suguru's attention before deciding to pass on his info...and after a while his brain just defaults to thinking that everyone wants suguru but he FORGETS that there are gojo girlies out there (me asf) !! thanks for the ask nonnie babes i love this idea so so much <33
OK SO
it's obvious that there are quite a few women at the bar eyeing the group. young, attractive teachers spending an evening trying to relax and take their minds off of the stress of jujutsu work. nanami is in deep conversation with shoko about something while ijichi quietly listens. further down the table utahime is quietly sipping her drink while mei mei orders another. shoko makes a comment and suguru bursts into unabashed laughter.
the flush of alcohol dusts over each of their cheeks, but satoru remans the only one who has barely touched his glass, the sting of the bitterness a little too harsh for him to enjoy. he opts for instead letting his eyes roam over the faces in the crowd, taking little notice of all the eyes and smiles sent in their direction.
well until he notices you anyway.
you're already looking in his direction curiously, face illuminated by the dim lighting of the bar as your friends giggle around you. when his eyes lock with yours, you immediately tear your gaze away, trying to play it off by immediately delving into conversation, though satoru can tell that there's a flush crawling up your neck now.
he doesn't look away though, too caught up in the crinkle of your eyes and the smile lines that grace your face as you laugh at something. a minute later you're looking back in their direction, and when you catch him staring, you turn away yet again.
satoru glances to his side, knowing that you're probably watching suguru take a sip of his drink and most likely falling for his charming smile.
typical and so predictable.
some time passes like this. you'll look, and turn away, and satoru will watch you do it over and over again. it isn't until a while later that satoru catches your friends pushing your shoulders and giggling, and he knows that they're urging you to come up and ask about suguru. you're shaking your head, the nervousness clear as day as your brows pinch. but eventually you succumb to peer pressure and stand up from your table, taking anxious strides towards him.
and usually, satoru will make a face or turn his back or do something to look as unapproachable as possible. because almost every person who comes up asking for suguru's contact info has been obnoxious as hell.
but you're quite pretty and you look sweet enough, and he doesn't think it'd be right to deter you.
suguru would probably like you too.
so satoru decides to let you try at least, and if you seem to be as nice as you look maybe he'd bridge the gap between you and his best friend.
you make your way up to him, and as soon as he finally gets a good look at you he's thinking you're a lot prettier up close.
dammit.
"hi," you say, face hot as you try your best to maintain steady eye contact with him. you look so nervous, fidgeting with the fabric of your clothes as you attempt to strike up conversation, and he doesn't have it in him to watch you struggle.
"yeah i can give you his number," he says, voice clipped as he tries to hide the disappointment in it. you watch him grab a napkin and begin scribbling something down, confusion clear as he hands you the digits.
"um…?" you look at the napkin and then at him. "sorry, whose number is this?"
satoru balks, lips parting as he mirrors your confusion. "uh…suguru's? the guy behind me?"
realization dawns on your face and you shift your weight from foot to foot.
"oh actually," you suck your teeth nervously, trying to hide behind an awkward little smile. "i came to talk to you."
satoru can only blink, cerulean eyes widening behind his glasses as he stares at you in surprise.
you take his silence as a bad sign, shoulders dropping and embarrassment settling in your frown as you look anywhere but his face. "s-sorry if that's weird. i don't wanna make you uncomfortable or anything so-"
he's grinning before he can stop himself, heart dangerously swelling with affection as he motions toward the empty stool next to him. "not weird at all."
the pleasant surprise on your face makes him bite back a chuckle, and you take the seat. "huh...i wasn't expecting you to be okay with it."
satoru raises a brow curiously, tilting his head. "why not?"
you shrug with a careless grin. "i had a feeling you were gonna brush me off from the moment i first looked over."
satoru winces, and he can practically feel suguru's knowing smirk on his back. he chooses to ignore that for now, eyes trailing over the mirth in your expression, and he can only smile helplessly. "no way in hell."
your laugh comes instantly, sweet and bright, and you take it as a sign to continue talking. satoru listens on, sipping his drink to hide his giddy smile and ignoring the sting of bitterness once again.
honestly, with the amount of sweetness he's just found, satoru would tolerate as much bitterness as he needed to.
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suiana · 24 days
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yandere! parasite who decides to inhabit your body after observing you from his previous host. you're so cute! you'll definitely be a lot more comfortable to be in over this... fumbling fool that's obsessed with you.
the switch is seamless and you don't even realize that you have a parasite in you until he speaks.
you were stunned, where did this voice come from? you look around you, thinking your boss or coworker had called for you... only for the face of a... translucent and handsome looking man to appear right in front of you.
"hey!"
"what the- where did you come from? wait a minute who even are you?"
"you're so silly. isn't it obvious that i'm a parasite and you're my host?"
"a... parasite?"
you freak out, thinking you have brain eating worms in you as you break down in the middle of your job. fortunately, the lovely parasite in you takes the time to comfort you through your brain.
he tells you that he won't kill you and that he's a symbiotic parasite. that he'll just co-exist with you for as long as you live. that he won't interrupt your life whatsoever, he just needs a place to stay, you know?
at least that's what he tells you and himself.
unbeknownst to him, he had... unfortunately adopted certain characteristics from his previous host. and what did that include? his obsession of course.
he doesn't notice it at first. he was just acting like his normal self, observing your day to day life for about a month or two while interacting happily with you through brain messages. everything was fine and dandy! nothing out of the ordinary for the both of you except for the fact that you now had a parasite in your brain.
and he was quite useful actually! improving your health, boosting your physical strength and stuff... it was so freaking cool! you never knew you could do all these things!
plus, he was so sweet! you two were definitely like a pair of really good friends even if you just met a month or two ago! he's just perfect!
that was, until he saw someone confessing to you.
he didn't understand what was going on. why did his chest tighten up at the sight of some other person confessing their love to you? why does he feel a sudden rush of... anger?
he turns to watch what you do and he swears he only feels more anger at how you react. cheeks flushed, pupils dilated...
no, he couldn't have that.
meanwhile, you were totally flattered by the sudden confession. especially when it was from this cute nerd from the IT department! maybe you'll accept- wait, wait, wait! why was your body moving on its own?!
"you belong to me."
the parasite in your brain mumbles as you lose all control of your body and begin walking away from your admirer. what the?! he's never done this before! why's he taking control of your body?!
"hey! give my body back!"
"how could you do this to me? i am hurt, my dear host."
you couldn't even respond, too shocked to even say anything before you try to resust again. obviously it wouldn't work but it doesn't hurt to try.
"hey cut it out! i thought you said we're just living together? what's this? you totally messed up my chances of getting with someone!"
you were about to snap back when you feel a cold dread creep up your spine. shit, you forgot he could control everything in your body.
you could only watch in horror as he brings your body back to your apartment before he forces your body onto your bed. his translucent body appears in your vision once more, pinning you to the bed. you couldn't even resist even if you tried. he controlled your brain after all.
"you're my host, therefore, you are mine. i do not understand what's so hard to understand."
gritting your teeth, you could only allow this parasitic admirer of yours to stare down at you while grinding his hips into yours. damn, what's he trying to-
"hah... you're so cute... i love you so much... can i explore you? I'm so curious. I've always looked away when you were bare but..."
you couldn't even say no if you tried. your body was responding on its own. damn it! his brain controlling abilities were too good! maybe you should be a parasite in your next life.
"ah... is that a yes? god, i love you. i love you, i love you... i love you so much my darling host."
...
were you about to have mental sex with the parasite living in your body right now?!
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thebestsetter · 3 months
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Isagi loves your thighs. And even though he isn't the type of guy to answer "personality" when asked "Boobs, thighs or ass?", he doesn't want to outright say how attracted he feels to them, mainly because he doesn't want you to think he only cares about your body (even though you know he doesn't).
So, imagine how heavenly it felt the first time he got to sleep on your lap. He remembers it as if it happened yesterday.
He had come home after a tough day of practice, in which his coach seemed even more angry than usual and just determined to make the whole team's day a living hell. Everything in him was aching, from his back to his feet, and he could swear he had a fever or something, because his head was starting to throb too. All Isagi wanted to do was get home and lay down, even if it means sleeping without showering (which shows just how tired he was).
"Honey? You're home!" he heard you saying from the kitchen "Welcome home!"
He tried to answer your sweet voice welcoming him home. He really did. But his mouth just wouldn't answer his brain's commands. So, he was just standing, staring at you with his mouth wide open, looking like an idiot.
"Isagi? Are you feeling alright?"
He couldn't even register what he was doing, but the next thing he knew, he walked closer to you. His body was just moving on it's own, as if being as close to you as possible was as natural for him as breathing.
"Sweetie, you're starting to scare me. Do you need to go to the doctor? Did something happen today at practice?"
He couldn't resist the urge to hug you anymore, even though he was trying to restrain himself because he was still stinky from practice and he knew just how much you hated it when he hugged or kissed you without showering first. He couldn't explain it, but you looked so huggable at the moment! He took a step closer, hugging you tight and burying his face in the crook of your neck, innaling deeply and letting out a satisfied sigh. One of his hands was travelling your waist while the other was playing with the hem of your shirt.
"Yoichi!" you exclaimed, voice worried yet still not loud enough to make his head ache even more (he doesn't even think your voice will ever be capable of doing him any harm) "You're burning up! You have a fever! I can't believe it, I told you to take better care of yourself!"
Ah. So he was right. He had a fever. That's why training was so hard today.
"Hm" he muttered, still with his head in your neck. He closed his eyes, enjoying the moment you both were having.
"Stay at the couch, I'll go grab some medicine at the bathroom."
"Noooo, don't leave me here" he said, clearly affected by his sickness. It looks like his mouth finally started to work again. "I don't want to be away from youuuu"
"Yoichi, my honey, you're clearly not thinking straight right now. But I won't go away! I'll be back in like 30 seconds. Sit on the couch and count, I swear it won't take long"
He sighed, but complied anyway, sitting at the couch and waiting (im)patiently.
You were right, because in almost no time you came back with pills and a cup of water. If there was a sport where the champion had to be the person who brought a glass of water and medicine to their sick boyfriend the fastest, you would win, Isagi thought (and that thought made him strangely proud).
"Here. Drink it up" he obeyed
"Everything hurts"
"I know it does, love. What you need right now is sleep. Come here" you said, patting your lap. If Yoichi was in his right mind, he would've blushed hard and maybe even denied at first, but he wasn't. He just wanted to rest, and he always dreamed about laying in your lap. So, he quickly grasped the opportunity.
And boy was it as good as he imagined it would be. Even better, actually. Your thighs were fluffier than any other pillows he had ever used before, and he felt like he could hibernate there. And as if it couldn't get any better, you started playing with his hair. He was in heaven. He couldn't even fell the pain anymore, and he was sure it wasn't just the medicine doings.
"I love your thighs" he admitted, a honesty he wouldn't have when he was healthy, which made you chuckle "And I love you too. Thank you." He kissed the inner part of your thigh to show you just how serious he was about it
"I love you too, Yoichi. Now, rest. We don't want the best striker of the world to be sick all week, do we?"
"If it means getting to lay on your lap everyday, I would be sick my whole life"
"You're silly"
"And you're the love of my life"
"Good night, Isagi"
"Good night, my love"
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luxuourr · 4 months
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Why manifesting is your best friend + society is a bitch.
manifesting ?? my best friend ? hell no. i need to work so hard...
pookie it's not your work hard thing , your society you live in, we collectively live in , has told us fucked up shit we don't need to believe in, nothing of it is true. The only thing true is what's from the heart and it's the feeling , you didn't and god didn't and universe didn't send time upon us , we used our brains to create it ,
laws don't fail. laws are made laws because they're undeniable.
understand time is not linear , scientists found alphabets otherwise let's be honest , who would have known what's English is?? If Greeks and Egyptians didn't work on time. would we know today?
nuh uh! so I suggest you to remember, don't look at how much time or date you're at, don't look at how many hours until he (sp ) surprises ur enemy with date , how you fail
no time to think of this, think the best of every possible circumstance, I know and you should too, you're doing a great job
even if the last conversation with him ended in a divorce, breakup or failed situation ship, you can get it all back, even if life has not been kind to you and you could not keep up with the most important exam of your life AND you're a victim of domestic abuse or parental abuse. it's not too late, you're not doing anything right or wrong , just because you could not do more than you could because of circumstances, it'll not change your results , it'll not change you getting 100%, if you did everything positively and tried to slap your negative thoughts there's always hope. i say this as I have not prepared anything for the most important math exam of my life and it's 5 pm rn , I have 14 chapters and have the most biggest exam of my life tommorow at 1 pm, have severe depression and the most toxic and hurtful family you could ever imagine to have.
believe me, no one will care about you, until you make it happen.
do you know what your job is ?
- know what you want + assume you're that version, that super model , famous celeb, have that desired body s/o or whatever , fullfill yourself after that and BOOM you wake up in it, won't even take less than a 2-3 days if your belief is good enough, you're doing shit in a fun way to manifest everything you want
- failure doesn't exist , no you're not delusional for attempting nothing in exam and wanting 96% ,you're god remember. the others who have the exam aren't , if you assume you'll know everything without studying that's going to happen, it only depends on what you feed yourself with.
- gone is gone , it's like it'll never come back, if there is something attached , like up coming results from what happened, i suggest assume + accept and move on
- if you script, mediate, robotically affirm, visualize or do whatever, it is meant to happen
- do not worry, you're doing a good job, just try your best for certain things or assume , everything works in the best possible outcomes
- mountains and clouds , centuries and the equator will move for you to get your desires.
- no you're not cursed and shit, life's a rainbow sparkle colors it's all a roses of bed and not what society taught us, just assume and you'll wake up with it
- for example if you have important exams of your life , there's this girl in front of you doing so well in exams , u don't wanna cheat and there's no chances anyway but you realize, the best you're doing right now is trying your level best in the exam and if you have time or not , time doesn't matter it's just created by us, remember she's not better she has no idea about LOA It's , you it's me it's us. Why would she be better, she had to study 24/7 and then still assume about average grades and stress over what's wrong and right , instead you , who could visualize given it well, be the person who got 96% in these exams isn't it much more fun, less tiring and entertaining??
- you got to know manifesting for a reason, trust people who posted their success stories, trust yourself , be kind to yourself and don't let the old story walk over you, it was never there , failure never existed , you've always been the new story you created for yourself, understood.?
- beating yourself up is not going to reverse time again honey, it's gone , it's not coming back , like never so focus on yourself, your feelings , your intentions , your life. Try to know that manifesting is not about trying to get and doing methods to recieve , it's about KNOWING and feeling.
e. g Aliyah is a girl who's a manifestor she wants good grades, she has issues she cannot study because of and cause her to be burn out at home , so she decides , the night before finals.
she thinks " i will try my best and even if it's the point where it wasn't good enough, universe and manifesting has my back, the time that'll be taken by the institute to check my exams , I'll revise everything including all my wrong parts of exam and unfilled parts to fully filled correct answers because crying and whining won't do shit, but this feeling will change everything" , even her bsf in this case supported her and told her that she's manifesting for her and everything plays out in the best possible circumstances. You only assumed like that and made it happen
e. g there's another manifestor called Sara she is also giving the same exam as aliyah , but instead of working on her self concept , believing in herself
, she'd cry for hours everyday for three months so instead of reality giving her the 100% she's been hoping for , she fails she thinks 3D is everything( it's not ) , she doesn't believe in bloggers she's impulsive, thinks crying is the solution to everything , she spends 3 months crying and shitting about herself to achieve nothing in life
prior to this aliyah the master manifestor slays in everything she does, she accepts and moves on , every time bad thoughts get to her , she slaps them with " NO THIS IS MY WORLD IM AN ACCURATE PERFECT MANIFESTOR"
so who of them saved themselves despite abusive household and everything??? Sarah just spent all the time crying and whining.
you can either be her. ( Sarah) or HER (aliyah)
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