#but like if I see someone say illicit affair is about cheating I’ll think they have 0 reading comprehension | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

extremelyblackandwhite · 4 years

Text

august

pairing: sheriff lee bodecker x younger! reader

warnings: cheating, age gap

a/n: i wanted to write this chapter to show how y/n’s and lee’s affair began and to show how y/n shaped lee or his point of view. this song is mostly based off august from taylor swift (bc we all know at this point that i’ll just write fanfics based of any folklore/evermore songs) and war of hearts from ruelle. this one is not smut, the next one (illicit affairs) is gonna be. additionally, i’ve come to the conclusion that knockemstiff y/n dressed like betty draper and after-knockemstiff y/n dresses likes meg draper and that is canon. btw if you’re interested in what she’s wearing in this chapter here [x] p.s.: lee’s not captain yet in this chapter

> ILLICIT AFFAIRS

Salt air and the rust on your door, I never needed anything more. Whispers of are you sure? Never have I ever before. But I can see us lost in the memory, August slipped away into a moment in time ‘cause it was never mine

August was an odd month this year; the godless and sunless town was going through the biggest heatwave anyone could remember. Most habitants were in the parks and outside their homes in plastic chairs enjoying the heat, however, in Y/N’s house, they were baking apple pies with the apples leftover from the little apple tree farm they had a bit south from the town centre. Y/N had suggested they just gave away the apples but her grandmother, ever the traditional woman, believed the best way to show appreciation would be to bake something. “It shows you care, Y/N” as if she cared about anyone in this god forbidden town. She couldn’t wait to pack her bags and go to the big city where she can be something other than a trophy wife. Besides, it wasn’t like there were any available suitable husband options around.

She wiped the flour out of her forehead as she placed the last pie in the oven. 24 pies, surely that would account for a high electricity bill at the end of the month. Not that it mattered anyway, her grandmother could more than afford it after all she was the woman right now sat at the kitchen table, giving out plates as if they cost nothing.

- Y/N, sweetheart, can you go and deliver the pie on the living room. It’s already cold and I don’t want it to go stale.

- Yeah, sure.

- To Captain Bodecker’s house. Promised Jane I’d send her one.

- Captain Bodecker’s? But that’s in town. - she scratched her elbows. She’d rather not go to Captain Bodecker’s house yet again he probably wasn’t even around, always busy in the station. - Can I take the car?

- It’s a 20 minute walk, it’s sunny outside and you’re young. Save on gas.

- But ...

- Y/N, you better be outside with that pie in 5 seconds or we’ll have a problem. - she interrupted.

Y/N sighed, unlacing the back of her apron and placing it on the hook. Just great, that’s all she needed today, to walk to the town centre to deliver one of the pies she had just spent the whole morning preparing. She guessed it could’ve been worse, she could’ve had to go deliver it to the police station then Captain Bodecker would’ve definitely been there. It wasn’t that she disliked him, quite the opposite. Back when she volunteered at the precinct he was the only one who was nice to her or at least the only one who wouldn’t try to put his hand under her skirt. He’d even memorised her name which not even the Sheriff who had hired her knew, to this day whenever he saw her he still called her Bella. He was nice to her and she couldn’t say she hadn’t developed a little school girl crush on him, despite the fact he was married. He’d even stood up for her when her manager started screaming at her. Nevertheless, she couldn’t stand being in his presence, feeling like whatever she said would get her in trouble. His wife wasn’t someone she enjoyed either; Jane Bodecker was known for having quite the sharp gossiping tongue. Most of her friends commented their “men friends” would comment how she used to have quite the reputation while at high school and whenever she saw her at the shop, she’d always call her Little Miss Perfect or make some side comment about how she was occupying a job that someone else needed. Still, Y/N could deal with Jane, a little smile, a nod and she was ready to deal with the devil.

The sun scorched her skin as she walked her last minutes til the Bodecker residence. It was a nice home, recently painted with some nice flowers in the front garden yet there were rumours of Captain Bodecker wanting to move to Brewer Heights. Y/N didn’t know how she’d react if during her morning walks she passed by him, so she counted it only as rumours. Standing in front of the red door, she held the pie in one hand and knocked against it with the other one. She stood there waiting for someone to come in until footsteps made her wake up from her dream-like state and prepare to deal with Jane. However, as the door open, a familiar silhouette had her heart racing.

- Y/N, what brings you here? - she watched him dressed in casual clothing, something she barely saw if she had ever seen; jeans and a white t-shirt.

- Captain Bodecker ... I ... I was looking for your wife. My grandmother sent this. - she held up the pie in front of her. - She said Mrs. Bodecker wanted one.

- Jane’s ... out. Come in. - he opened the door wider for her but she remained in the same place like a statue. - Come on, it’s too hot out. Don’t want no fainting lass complains on my day off. ‘Sides, don’t you want a slice of pie?

- I really shouldn’t.

- You can say no if you want to. No need to be afraid of me, Y/N. - he leaned against the doorframe. - Thank you for the pie, though.

- I guess I can stay a bit. - she tucked a bit of hair behind her ear. Lee couldn’t help but shamelessly check her out as she walked inside his home. It was no secret she was a beautiful woman, heck, Lee thought her to be the prettiest little thing to ever arrive into town, with her sunny smile and pretty dresses. This one was no different, lavender which complimented her so well with a little white rope tied around her waist into a bow, like a little present. Nevertheless, he kept it under wraps he was a married man besides every man in town shamelessly harassed her, despite the side eye he gave them.

He watched as the fabric of her dress swung with the movement of her hips. Lee surely didn’t expect such a pretty girl to walk into his home, had he known he would’ve made an effort to fix the mess that was his house. Normally Jane tended to keep that sorted as he usually spent the day and night at work, but with her staying with her mother after their last fight. It wasn’t anything new, she always did that whenever they fought and then would return after Lee made a fool of himself by begging her to return and that he was wrong during the fight. Still, she placed the pie on his kitchen table with a gentleness and posture which mirrored her privileged upbringing. He couldn’t lie and say his mind hadn’t wandered around how she would look when she eventually got married, after all that was the future of all Knockemstiff women. He also couldn’t lie and say he hadn’t wondered how she would look as his wife. She was sweet, with a sharp mind which definitely had not been appreciated in the precinct. Despite this, productivity seemed to raise whenever she called out any officers who had their feet on top of their desks instead of doing paperwork. He still remembered having to always keep an eye on her, were any officers to get too rowdy with her. Yet, she didn’t care and she held herself and believed herself to deserve the same respect as every working man in Knockemstiff. Although he imagined how she would be as a wife, he had to admit he couldn’t see her ever being some Knockemstiff’s man’s wife and with the example from her grandmother, she was surely on the path to be a rebellion starter.

- Big fan of apple pie, Y/N?

- My grandmother refuses to sell the apples so instead I woke up at 6AM and have been baking apple pies nonstop. She says it shows I care.

- Never thought you to be found of Knockemstiff residents.

- And I am not. - she spoke as if the mere thought of it offended her. - She said she promised Jane one.

- Don’t think Jane will be back for a while. - he leaned against the kitchen door, watching her place the pie onto his kitchen table. - You can take half that pie, if you want.

- Trust me, I have my share of apple pie at home. - she folded her hands on top of her stomach. - Uhm ... Do you want me to cut you a slice of pie? I normally take mine with a bit of vanilla ice cream on top. It’s gorgeous, the warmth of the pie and the cold of the ice cream. You should try it?

- You’re just full of ideas, aren’t ya? - he sat on the wooden chair as she sliced the pie to the best of her abilities. - Shouldn’t you be at university, or someth’ng?

- Well, grandma had the stroke and she’s not as motile as she used to be. I’ve been taking some classes at Ohio University but it’s not the same, it’s ...

- It’s not the big city, ain’t it? - he added.

- It’s not that I dislike Knockemstiff, Captain ...

- Yeah you do. - he interrupted her. - Just don’t let the Sheriff hear it. He already ain’t too found of ya.

- Nobody in that precinct liked me. - she rolled her eyes. - Well, they did but I did not like them in that way.

- I liked ya. Whenever you screamed at Leroy it always made my day.

- Leroy’s the most incompetent person I know. All he does is pimp girls out as if he discovered prostitution. I feel sorry for the girls.

- He does a good service.

- Of course you’d know. - she pushed her hair away from her shoulders, feeling the sweat roll down her neck. God it was, too hot. Lee furrowed his brown, laying the fork onto the porcelain plate. She caught his look, brow raising over in a playful, smug kind of way, before she laid her hands on the table. - I’ve seen it before.

- You’ve seen it before?

- Don’t worry, I didn’t see IT, but I saw Jenny get in the car with you just after graduation. I know what she does, she would call me all the time whenever Leroy was being an ass.

- Oh ...

- Don’t worry, I’m not gonna say anything. Everyone in this town cheats, mostly because everyone in this town marries someone just because they think that will save them from Hell. No one is saved if they’re born in Knockemstiff, not even me.

- You mean to tell me you’ve done bad things, Y/N? ‘Cause I don’t believe it.

- I’ve never done it but I’ve thought bad things. All the time. - her gaze lowered from his face to his waist before returning back to his eyes. It was a millisecond gaze, something she herself knew but he didn’t notice, no matter how observant he was. There were no perfect men in Knockemstiff, but in Y/N’s mind he was her perfect man. After all, there are no perfect men anywhere, even Saints sin and then die heroically to get into heaven. Y/N would rather sin than die for people who would’ve had her accidentally killed many times if it weren’t for her grandmother’s name and status in town. What’s the fun in being good? Every time she was good she got yelled at, someone put her hand under her skirt or tried to pin her against a wall. She was good, she would just rather sin so people wouldn’t taint her goodness. It’s a question of self preservation, at least that’s what she told herself.

- That doesn’t make you bad. If so there wouldn’t be good people.

- There are no good people. - she added, ever the negative person she was, something she had inherited from her mother and which everyone who knew her could trace back to. - All people are born so they could be buried. Everything you do ... in a 100 years they won’t remember everything and all that be left of you is your burial site. That’s your legacy.

- Such negative views for someone who wants out of Knockemstiff. I thought you’d have a better outlook on things.

- I’m never getting out of here. - she sighed, almost used to the idea that she was going to stay no matter how long she fought it. - I’m gonna die here.

- Dying ain’t so bad. - he leaned against his chair. Y/N smiled at him, looking around his home. It was messy yes but it was still a good home yet that wasn’t what she noticed. Looking out the window, she saw a built in pool. She didn’t remember hearing the Captain had a pool. Sure, he had a the better salary compared to everyone else in town except for the Sheriff, Mayor, and her grandmother. Yet she had never heard of him having a pool, not even she had one.

- You have a pool?

- Yeah, built it back when Sandy used to come over to wind up from the dinner job. She’s married now so I don’t think she wants a pool at her big brother’s home anymore.

- I don’t think anyone in town has a pool. - she rose from her chair and walked to the window in a lavender rush. - It’s gorgeous.

- You can come over whenever you want, Y/N.

- Can I go now? - she looked over her shoulder to him. The idea of being able to swim while the boiling august heat continued to shine down onto the hellish town. Somehow it made sense yet it didn’t. Lee cocked his head to the side, wondering if he’d misheard her words or if she was really considering swimming into his pool. Unwanted feeling stirred south of him and he punished himself mentally for imagining the lavender flower girl in such ways.

- Well, uh ... you don’t have a swimming costume. - he babbled like a confused, stunned child.

- I can swim on my undergarments. It’s pretty much a lace embroidered swimming costume. - Lee merely nodded, not knowing exactly what to do but knowing he was flirting with sin, looking at an abysses and seeming not to fear that he was going straight into it.

Y/N walked from the window up to the kitchen door which led over to the garden. The once white door had withered with time, turning slightly yellowish with rust on the borders, the glass of the small see through windows cracked yet remaining its shape. The door seemed to be a small reminder of what was still wrong in the Captain’s life but she chose not to dwell over it, no to think about it. She felt the cobblestones against her feet covered by an old pair of white ballerina slips as her mirrored image became clear in the crystalline pool water.

Lee on the other hand watched like a hawk, from the rusted door he’d broken so many bottles of liquor against, as her lavender fabric fell to the dirty cobblestones. The contrast of the prim expensive dress against the cobblestones which had aged as badly as he had done was telling. At least it was telling enough for him and he wondered if this was a gift from God or if the devil was toying with him. The devil is in the details, his mother used to say, yet as she emerged from the water, hands pulling down her hair, he was almost entirely sure the devil was the girl in his pool, the same girl who had worn white dresses until her 18th birthday. Yet again, the devil was once an angel and to him, she was closer to becoming a fallen one than continuing to wear shades of white.

- You don’t swim, captain? - she asked as she swam to the border of the pool.

- I don’t enjoy doing it. - he stayed glued to the door, a good distance from her to ensure he didn’t get tempted. - You gonna just swim around like a mermaid, huh?

- It’s better in the water than on the cobblestones, I tell ya. - she dipped into the water once again only to return to the surface, water droplets rolling down from her plump skin. - Come on, captain. You’re gonna leave me swimming by my lonesome? During the hottest day in Knockemstiff?

- You’re a trouble stirrer.

- Maybe I’m just bored. - she smiled at him. He knew she wasn’t tempting him, he knew Y/N. She liked to tease around, she enjoyed the freedoms which she imposed onto herself and as such she was much different from the women he knew. Not that he knew any women outside of Knockemstiff. He’d been born and raised here and all the women he saw from out of Knockemstiff were on his television screen. - Come on, Captain. It’s your pool.

- I don’t want you to see my belly.

- I don’t care, besides, if it’s that bad then come into your clothing. - her arms rested upon the pool border, wondering eyes tempting even the saint of all saints. Lee looked at the cold water reflecting the afternoon sunlight beams, trying to avoid the thoughts that crossed his mind before turning around. He let his jean trousers pool to the ground along with his shoes before entering the water using the ladder. He was almost sure he’d make her laugh if he were to jump into the water.

The water was cold and dripped from his skin in crystal like drops. Y/N offered him a playful smile, swimming close to him with that wide eye child naughty fun look only she managed to still hold intact. She held her hands slightly back before pushing the water towards him.

- You tellin’ me you invited me in for a water fight? - he chuckled at her actions.

- Afraid I’ll win?

- Kid, you’re much too tiny to win against me.

- Wanna bet? - she threw water again at him, swimming closer and closer to him before anchoring herself against him, hands on his shoulders. - I bet you as many apple pies as you want.

- Yeah, I’m trying not to gain any more weight, kid.

- You have beautiful eyes, I’ve never noticed. - she made eye contact with him, seeing her own reflection in his light blue eyes. Maybe she’d never notice because the uniform was so dark blue his eyes reflected it like mirrors, yet they were light. - They’re gorgeous.

- Trying to make me blush, kid?

- Just never noticed.

- Well huh ... - he could listen to his heart beating and drumming against his chest along with the soft movement of the water. All his eyes could see was her, her hands holding onto his shoulders and her angelic face looking at him. - Thanks, you have nice eyes too.

- You can’t take a compliment, Captain. - she teased.

- I don’t think I’m deserving of any, specially coming from you, kid.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- You know what the men say in town. They think you’re the prettiest thing in a skirt to ever pace around here. Pretty sure they’ll kill each other trying to get your favour.

- My favour? Is that what you think I’m good for?

- No ... I ... That’s not what I meant. - his face creased. - I’m just telling you what I hear.

- You seem to know a lot of gossip about me, captain. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’ve been asking around.

- What if I have? - Lee watched for the first time her mouth shut close. She didn’t know what to say next, eyebrows furrowed together as she inspected his face, slow blinking. Her eyes left his to look at the water back at him. - Just looking out for you ... not a lot of people like you ‘round town.

He hands gripped his shoulder as she swam closer to him. Her intention was to hug him thank you. Of course she didn’t expect no one to look out for her, she didn’t care about what a bunch of housewives and hopeless alcoholics thought of her. She knew he didn’t inspire adoration in them other. As she got closed to him, he leaned down, capturing her lips into his. Her hands slide from her shoulders to his chest, almost as if she wanted to be the good one and push him away. He was married after all. However, as his lips moved against hers she found herself incapable of pushing him away, hands relaxing just resting against his chest as she found herself acting on her sinful thoughts for the first time.

So much for summer love, for saying us, ‘cause you weren’t mine to lose.

taglist: @lookiamtrying

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johnkrrasinski · 4 years

Text

dwindling, mercurial high

full masterlist

Pairings: Andy Barber x female!reader

Word count: 2,733

Warning: SMUT!!! infidelity/cheating, age gap, unprotected sex, dirty talk, angst, lots of angst. (MUST BE 18+)

Summary: based on the song ‘illicit affairs’ by taylor swift. things changed between you and andy, the man you’d been crushing on for the longest time, after you returned home from college. what was born from a single glance & stolen stares turned into a secret addiction, something neither of you could get sober from.

a/n: the idea piqued my imagination after watching taylor’s folklore long pond studio session and i wondered what it’d be like to be the third person instead of the cheated one, thus this angsty fic was born. reblog & feedback are always appreciated.

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

You closed your eyes as your back hit the wall repeatedly, you held onto him as tight as possible as you moaned in his ear. The bristle of his beard tickled your neck as he nipped your sensitive spot, causing your head to spin. The coil in your abdomen tightened, so did your legs around his waist, and you clenched around him, pushing him to thrust harder into you, chasing your orgasms. Your wailings grew louder and you cried out his name like prayer as his pace become sloppier.

Time became hazy as you plummeted into bliss while he continued to impale you, prolonging your release as well. You wanted the moment to last as long as possible as you presented your body as a vessel for him to obtain pleasure, the kind that he couldn’t get at home from his lovely wife. You didn’t mind that it took him longer to reach his peak, the comforting feeling of him being inside you was like cozying up to your favourite knit sweater and a cup of hot chocolate whilst it was raining outside.

But rains don’t last forever, and the sun was always around the corner, lurking to appear and scorch the planet once more, waking everyone up out of their comfortable place. And that’s what it was like being with Andy.

He groaned as he released deep inside you, resting his face on your shoulder while trying to catch his breath. He kissed you on the lips, claiming your mouth as you ran your fingers through his hair until he needed air. But you didn’t, because he was the air that you needed. Then he set you on your feet gently and he began putting on his clothes. “It’s stopped coming down, I should head back now, Laurie’s going to come home soon and I told her that I’d be working from home today. It’d be suspicious if I left the house without telling her.”

You nodded, “…okay.” But it wasn’t okay, how much longer were you going to have these clandestine meetings? How could you tell him that you wanted him to stay and hold you close just for once?

He slipped his feet into his shoes and untied the lace. You leaned on your hands against your study desk and watched his flushed state longingly as if you were trying to speak with your gaze and you wanted him to get the message because words would hurt both of you. He put on his coat and swung the hood over his head then stood before you, “are you okay, kid?”

No, how could you even ask me that? “Yeah.” He always asked the same question after every time you both made love but never once did you tell him the truth and he believed you. He kissed you on the forehead and there he goes, leaving you with your tears and fury once more without a single weight in his heart.

How did you end up here? It began last summer after you came back home from college. You were going to work in your father’s law firm once you finished law school and obtained your degree. Your father was a lawyer and had a good friendship with the Barbers since you were little. You even watched Jacob being born when Laurie went into labour. Besides living across from each other and worked in the same field, you were like a big sister to Jacob too. He was always a shy, introverted kid who didn’t make friends easily so Andy truly cherished your companion for his son.

You were always happy being a big sister figure to Jacob, you were both the only children so it was easy to bond over that. But what you’d never admit out loud, was also the fact that yous secretly had a crush on Jacob’s dad. What’s not to swoon over? Andy was extremely good looking, a good father and a loving husband. He was a top lawyer, courteous, soft-spoken and always treated you kindly whenever you came over.

It affected your dating life in high school because, despite all the boys asking you out, you never said yes to them. Because there was only one man that you wanted and you couldn’t have him. Even in college, you tried to forget him and seek for someone else, but even college boys couldn’t live up to Andy.

Three years went by and you finally returned home and were ready to start your career as a lawyer. Law and crimes always fascinated you because you believed that justice wasn’t as simple as black or white, or the good guy versus the bad guy so it came naturally for you to follow your father’s footsteps.

Your father invited the Barbers over for dinner to celebrate your homecoming. Laurie asked you about the college life and teased if you might’ve had dated a few boys and you nervously refuted the question by telling her that you were too busy with studying. Andy sat across you and you tried so hard not to make eye contact with him but you couldn’t fight the urge and you swore you saw him glance at you once or twice and he’d quickly look away once you caught him.

One afternoon, a couple of days after the dinner, when your father was at the court, and your mother was at her boutique, you decided to come over to the Barbers’ house. Jacob texted you earlier about his Physics homework and asked for your help on doing it. You were going to start working at the firm on Monday so you had plenty of spare time at home, doing whatever you wished for. You were bored, you had been reading books and watching Netflix all day so you decided to spend time helping Jacob with his homework.

You knocked on the door and texted him, “I’m outside.” You were a little early than the agreed time so Andy opened the door instead of the person you expected.

“Mr. Barber, hi! Is Jacob home yet?” You tried your best to keep your composure.

“No, he said he was staying for Math. He didn’t tell you?”

“Uh, he must’ve forgotten. He asked me earlier to help him with his homework and I thought I could come by early to hang out, but it’s fine, I’ll just come back later. Thanks, Mr. Barber.”

“You could come inside and wait for Jacob here if you want?” He offered.

“Um, are you sure, Mr. Barber? I don’t wanna be a bother.”

“No, please, Laurie hasn’t come home yet, and I’d appreciate the company. And just call me Andy.”

“Okay, yeah, sure. I’ve got no one to talk to at home yet, anyway. Except for my cat who only comes to me when she’s hungry.”

He chuckled at the joke as he closed the door behind you. “You want anything to drink?”

“Coffee would be nice, thank you Mr. Barber.”

He gave you a look at the nickname. “Sorry, I meant, Andy.”

“You’ve really grown since the last time I saw you, ____. You’ve even gotten good-looking.” He nonchalantly said whilst he was making your coffee. “Milk?”

“Huh?” your heart was beating fast at his flattering words. “Do you want some milk in your coffee?”

“Yes, please.” You gulped, mentally screaming at yourself to keep it together. “Are you saying that I was an ugly duckling, Andy?”

He chuckled, “no, what I meant was, your appearance definitely changed and I like it.” He served the coffee on the dining table where he laid a bunch of papers and a laptop and you tried to maintain your distance despite every cell in your body was begging for you to sit closer to him.

You hoped he couldn’t hear the way your breath hitched so you drank your coffee with shaky hands. He asked you about college or shared some advice in becoming a young lawyer. He also caught you up with stories that you missed while you were away. How he found out Jacob was bullied by this kid in his school and how he and Laurie had been arguing a lot lately.

“I’m sorry about that, Andy. But you two will work it out, what marriage doesn’t have its disputes, right? If you both had made it this far, I’m sure you can make it for many more years.”

“Thanks, ____. Be sure to keep that in mind if a guy starts a quarrel with you, okay?” He sipped his own coffee.

“I’ll have to find a guy first, I guess.”

“Are you not seeing anyone?” He gave you a quizzical look.

“No, just haven’t found the time, I guess.”

“Oh, c’mon. You’re an intelligent and attractive young woman. You should go out and explore.”

“And what if I couldn’t find one that I want, Andy?” You stirred your coffee, unable to look him in the eye.

“What do you want, ____?” He inched his face closer to you, making it hard to breathe. His ocean blue eyes bored into yours, with the kind of look that you never saw before. In this proximity, you could see how his pupils had dilated, filling the rim with darkness lust. And you didn’t question his intentions or what he was thinking but at that moment, you had never wanted him more. And you needed him. You needed him to grant your heart’s greatest desire. Him.

“You,” you voice was barely a whisper. “I want… You.”

“Say it, say it louder.”

“I want you, Andy. I’ve wanted you forever.”

Then as if the time had frozen, he slammed his lips onto yours, nearly causing your chair to fall back if only he didn’t catch you. Andy grabbed your face and kissed you with a burning passion. You shut your eyes, reeling from the swirling emotions in your stomach. It wasn’t butterflies but the whole damn zoo. Andy licked your bottom lip and you parted your mouth for him, allowing his tongue to enter and tangle itself with yours.

You whimpered and you felt Andy smirked at the way your body reacted to him. Andy then stood up and lifted you onto the table, and he slightly pulled your hair back, exposing your neck to him. He began trailing kisses there and his right hand roamed around your body until it reached the hem of your off-the-shoulder top and it travelled to your breast and he toyed with it, pinching the nipple and fondle with the globe.

“Andy…” taking your whimpers as a green light, he moved his hand down to the zipper of your jeans, fumbled with the buttons and he pulled them down just enough for his hand to caress your womanhood. Blood rushed to your cheeks when he felt your arousal. He shoved the G-string aside, allowing his fingers to stroke you.

“If I knew how much you wanted me, I would’ve made a move sooner, baby.”

The coalescence of his voice, his plump lips and his hands touching you all over nearly made you forgot where you were until the act was interrupted by Jacob’s voice from the door, “Dad, I’m home!” Andy quickly stopped his assault on you and let you go. You stood on shaky legs as you tried to smooth over your rumpled top and zip up your jeans.

Luckily, when Jacob found you both in the kitchen, he didn’t suspect anything and you followed him to his room, walking away from Andy as if nothing even happened. And that was the beginning of your doomed affair.

His infidelity carried on for months and none of you had found the strength to break it off. You knew it was wrong in so many ways. You always considered The Barbers as your second family despite your latent feelings for Andy. You’d be letting down so many people if they found out about this affair. Each time you both ran off to find escapism in a secluded place, you were consumed by guilt. Every time you told yourself that you can always stop, that he can always stop, you were choked with words. The desire has rooted itself way too deep and none of you could go back now.

It started in your room and once he’d grown weary of the atmosphere, he’d take you to a motel a little outside of town where nobody really knew who you were and it has now taken you to an empty parking lot. Andy laid on the reclined shotgun seat with his clothes off and his pants around his ankles. You leaned your hand on the window as his cock stretched you open from under.

He loved the way your breasts jiggled with each thrust. You had your shirt lifted just enough to display your breasts for him while your shorts and underwear were thrown off to the backseat. His cock was hitting your G-spot repeatedly, creating tantalizing friction. You writhed above him, screaming his name as loud as you possibly could with your mind disarrayed from his thrusts. He had both of his hands gripping your hips solidly, controlling your move as you rode him.

“After all the time I’ve fucked you, you’re still so tight,” He groaned. He moved one of his hands to breast, pinching the nipple and you mewled from the pleasurable sting. He slid his hand up to your throat, cutting off your airway, suffocating you. Your whimpers your muted but it didn’t stop you from moving up and down on him. His other hand slid under your body, he toyed with your wetness and rubbed your clit, causing you to clench around him. “You gonna cum all over my fat cock, baby?”

His filthy words never failed to arouse you. If anyone had told fifteen years old you that the man you had such admired and respect, though from afar, had a foul mouth during sex, you would’ve told them to piss off because they had no idea what the hell were they talking about, but now you had an explicit, front-row seat view of it, you couldn’t look at him any other way.

The way his cock rutted into you and the way his digits worked you over and over again, while his massive hand made you struggle for air, sent your body into overdrive and you cried out his name as if it was your salvation. Your brain was clouded with ecstasy as he continued to ram into you, chasing his own release.

You lost the power to straddle him and collapsed on top of him. Andy’s hands travelled back into your hips, locking you in place as you were pliable with your prolonged orgasm. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum too, baby.”

Then Andy emptied his seed into you, filling you up with his load, and he groaned out loud in your ear. You both tried to abate your breathing while he was still sheathed inside you. The closeness felt intimate and comforting and somehow it felt like you were committing treachery. Your limbs were intertwined and you didn’t wanna untangle yourself from him because you knew if you did, he’d drive you home and take the less travelled by road and that would be it.

There was no post-sex cuddling or aftercare. There was no murmuring soft words under a duvet and exchanging tender kisses while basking in the afterglow with him. Because that’s all this was, an illicit affair. All there was after a steamy rendezvous were quick showers to wash off traces of each other as if you didn’t even exist and a spontaneously fabricated tale so the other person wouldn’t know where the other one had truly been.

You wanted to throw things at him and scream, don’t you fucking call me kid or baby, I’m neither of those things. You wanted to hate him for the godforsaken mess he’d turned you into, but you couldn’t. Because he had shown you colours you couldn’t see with anyone else and you couldn’t erase the secret language he taught you from your mind despite the idiotic fool that he made you.

And no matter how many times you witnessed him kissing his wife like a loving spouse would and how long he made you wait for a call, you knew damn well that you’d do it all over again for him in a heartbeat.

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cacoetheswriting · 4 years

Text

champagne problems, ch.9

Spencer is in love with you, but you’re engaged to someone else.

Chapter Nine: illicit affairs: The direct aftermath of Spencer’s confession. A/N: chapter is titled after this song if you want to listen while reading. Word Count: 1.5k Warnings: swearing, heartbreak, unrequited / unreciprocated love, talk of breakup/s, cheating, very angsty, a tiny tiny bit of fluff, this whole series is a real slow burn

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A/N: thank you for the continuous love you are showing to this little story! i can’t put into words how much it means to me, truly!! thank you also to those who expressed whether they would prefer this chapter to be happy or painful, you all really inspired me!! ENJOY!

“P-please say something.” Spencer’s plea was barely a whisper.

Time stood still in that moment. His heart was now in his throat, his hands trembling against your soft skin. He could see the sadness in your eyes, the conflict. Hurting you was exactly the thing he wanted to avoid. And as he silently observed the uncertainty cloud your features, his soul ached.

“I-I.. Spencer, I…”

There was a period of time after your breakup where you imagined something like this happening perhaps a million times. Where you wished he’d tell you all of the things he just did. Like a wild dream. A happy dream where you would say you loved him too. He would wrap his large arms around your frame, and never let go again.

This felt nothing like that. This was more like a nightmare.

His voice was ringing in your ears, the confession replaying on loop. You didn't know what to say. You didn't know what to think. You felt betrayed by the man standing in front of you. Betrayed by the words he said.

Most importantly, you felt betrayed by your own feelings.

“Please leave.” You finally uttered, chin trembling.

The sentence came out croaky, broken even, but Spencer heard you. Pain rushed through him, burning his skin inside out. He twitched his nose in a failed attempt at trying to fight back his own tears.

He was prepared for this outcome, he knew it was a possibility. He knew there was a chance you would distance yourself from him. He knew you might get angry. After all, the kiss you shared two months ago didn't compare to what he just weighed off his chest. Especially if you didn't feel the same way.

In this moment however, as he held your face and looked deep into your eyes, his heart was in agony. He wasn't ready to let you go.

“Please leave.” You repeated a little more determined. Your hands quickly travelled to his in an effort to free yourself from his strong embrace.

“Y/N, don’t do this. W-we can talk this out.” Spencer begged, not wanting to let you slip away. “You’re the most important person in my life Y/N. I need you. I-I know that’s unfair. And I know it was unfair to tell you the truth about how I truly feel now, after all this time. I know that. I’m sorry. I am so sorry. Please-e don’t tell me to leave, please. I need y-you.”

“W-what, what about what I need?”

By now, the tears streaming down your face were resembling a waterfall. Everything was heavy, especially your heart. Conflicting emotions circling through you causing your head to spin. You felt like you were losing your mind. As if the room was getting smaller, and the walls were closing in.

“What about what I need, Spencer?!” You cried out, sadness slowly dissipating into anger. Your hands moved to his chest. You pushed him backwards, little by little, struggling to break free. “Get out! Get out! Get out.. Get out...” Your voice faded.

The brunette doctor let his arms fall. Completely defeated he took a step back, giving you space to breathe. Hastily, he wiped his tears away before proceeding to run his fingers through his hair.

An agonising silence filled the room. The two of you stared at one another, both afraid to speak up first. Afraid to somehow make this worse. Salty droplets continued to stream down your face as you tried to organise your thoughts, and your conflicting feelings.

There was no denying you loved Spencer too. You realised now more than ever that you always have. But you also loved Ethan, and you couldn't just walk away from a relationship you tried so hard to build. A relationship that to a certain extent helped you get over the very man standing in front of you.

Which is what hurt the most - Spencer’s impeccably terrible timing.

“W-why didn't you say anything sooner?” You sniffled. “I-I waited for you. After we broke up, before I met Ethan, I waited for you. I-I wanted you Spencer, and you never said anything. You never showed any inclination that you wanted me back. Why?”

The one-worded question lingered in the air. Heavy. Shattering.

Spencer sniffled quietly. A broken look was visible on his features; one to match yours. Tears slowly trailing down his jawline.

“B-because... Because....” He stuttered. Mind racing as he tried to collect his thoughts. Truthfully, Spencer didn't have an answer to that question. He didn't have a good enough reason. “I-I was afraid. I was afraid if I said something I would lose you all over again.”

“How much does it hurt knowing you lost me anyway?” It was the wrong thing to say. You regretted it the second it escaped your lips.

Heartbreak is a whole-body response. Similar to a grieving process, there are a number of stages. A number of reactions. It spreads through the nervous system, the respiratory system, and the endocrine system. It spreads until you’re unable to function.

Your words were ringing in Spencer’s ears. He felt nauseous. The room was spinning. Everything he feared was coming true.

Heartbreak doesn't just affect the heart and brain. It’s a lot more complicated than that.

“Y-you don't mean that.” He whispered, taking a hazy step towards you. “I-I know you don't mean that. Please, Y/N...”

The way he said your name made your heart ache even more. You didn’t want to cause him any pain, just like you knew his intentions weren’t malicious either. Yet, the two of you stood across from one another with nothing between you but hurt.

“I love you. And I-I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but please don’t tell me to go. Please don’t shut me out.” Spencer pleaded. His hands found yours, and he held them close to his chest. “I can’t imagine my life without you. I love you Y/N.” He repeated.

Sniffling, you swallowed your breath. The waterfall ended. Instead, it was replaced by lone wet droplets gradually trailing down your features.

“I love you too.” You expressed in a soft voice before meeting his wandering gaze.

Spencer blinked. His heart fluttered as he registered what you admitted.

“Y-you do?” He didn't think he’d be lucky enough to hear you say those three words again and mean it. Really mean it. Of course he hoped you would. After all, you said them earlier tonight. However, right now it was different. He felt it with every fibre of his being. You loved him back.

“Of course I do! Of course I love you! I always have, and I’m pretty sure I will never stop.” You admitted. The words spilling out of you with such ease you knew it was a sign what you were saying was true. “No-one makes me feel the way you do.”

A deep sigh escaped your lips. “B-but I can’t love you, Spencer. I’m getting married.”

“If Ethan doesn’t make you feel-” He began, but you quickly cut him off.

“You’re the love of my life Spencer. My soulmate. You came into my life at exactly the right time and made it so much richer. You helped me become the person I am today. Our connection is so strong, we can understand each other without a word. We’re combined through heart and mind, and I will never regret the time we spent together. I will never regret loving you.” You revealed. “E-Ethan, however, Ethan is my life partner. He gives me comfort. He’s my right hand. Our bond grows stronger with everyday menial tasks.”

“I could be your life partner Y/N if you just gave me a chance.” Spencer’s hands moved to your cheeks once again, cupping them gently. “You told me you wanted to marry me before, we can do that.”

“Spencer...”

“Y/N, there is no doubt in my mind that I would do anything to spend the rest of my life with you. If you’ll have me.”

It was a proposal. A marriage proposal.

Spencer didn't have to specify, you knew that it was. You knew what he meant. He didn't have to get down on one knee with a diamond ring in hand. He didn't have to ask, ‘will you marry me?’. He didn't have to make it intentionally romantic. His words alone were evidence enough. Spencer Reid wanted to marry you.

“I-I, I need some time to think. I-I can’t just drop everything and run away with you. I hope you understand that Spencer.”

The hazel-eyed doctor slowly nodded his head. “Take all the time you need Y/N. I’ll wait. I will always wait for you.”

And with that, his lips found yours.

Despite the complicated situation you both found yourselves in. Despite the difficult position, and the choice you were now facing. He held you as close as it was humanely possible. Nothing mattered. The world slipped away. Your hands moved around his neck. Heartbeats syncing into one.

Both of you revelling in the thought you found each other once again.

And you know damn well For you I would ruin myself A million little times

A/N: hope you liked this chapter and as always i’d love to hear your feedback! if you would like to be added to a taglist, please let me know. thank you for your continuous support. with love, mal. x

masterlist | series masterlist | series playlist

story taglist: @girloncorneliastreet, @haylaansmi, @rexorangecouny, @l0ve-0f-my-life, @obsssedwithjustaboutanything, @aperrywilliams, @sassy-hades, @rainsong01, @reverdevivre, @dracomikaelson, @softieekayy, @lunaofcrows, @andrewhoezierbyrne, @blameitonthenight21, @lyl-26, @do-yr-research, @nazifa94, @stepsofthefbi, @chatterbug2-0

spencer reid taglist: @no-honey-no, @calm-and-doctor, @idroppedmygourd, @averyhotchner, @wowitsel

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #spencer reid angst #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid story #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid series #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfiction #champagne problems series

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seanfalco · 3 years

Text

The Going Away Party | Misfits Timeline Anomaly’verse

an oc x oc collaboration between @seanfalco & @super-unpredictable98

Word Count: 5k Warnings: Smut, Jealousy a/n: The quad’s last night in London before starting a new chapter in their lives.

[ masterlist ]

“Okay, so... is that everythin’?” Win’s Nathan asked, trying to peer over Lyddie’s shoulder at the list in her hand.

"I think so, it's not like it's gonna be a ton of people, the flat can’t really fit more ten people sitting down, fifteen, if they’re standing up..." Lydia murmured, checking the list once again, her people-pleasing reflexes kicking in trying to remember what each of their guests liked.

"Good thing Natty told us, I'm so happy to help you guys," she mused, following Win's Nathan while texting Win to say they would be home soon. "I'll miss the Estate. I know we're not going forever, but it feels weird... I've been living here my whole life.

“Yeah, I hear yeh, but it’ll be a nice change of scenery,” Win’s Nathan exclaimed, pushing the trolley for her. “I’m excited for yeh to perform,” he said, flashing her a grin.

"Me too, I think I'm kinda numb at this point, if I actually access my feelings, I might faint," Lydia laughed as she put the groceries on the conveyor. "Do you think that's enough beer? Should I get more?" she mused at the four cases in front of them.

“We can tell people t’bring their own too,” Win’s Nathan’s laughed. “Oh.... shite,” he breathed, quickly ducking down behind Lydia.

"What?" she almost instinctively made a force field around them, but thankfully she held back — that would've been hard to explain. "Is it someone that tried to kill us?" she asked, looking around.

“No, even worse!” Nathan hissed, the checkout girl giving them a strange look. “That’s Win’s evil stepmum. The queen bitch, herself!” he exclaimed, gesturing toward the blonde woman nearby, who bore a rather striking resemblance to her daughter, Delilah.

"Ah, who cares, I'm not scared of her... If she tries me, her and her daughter will have matching scars," Lydia said, bagging the groceries with a chuckle. "Nothing can ruin my mood today, not even the queen bitch supreme."

“Yeah, y’say that now...” Nathan mumbled, eyeing her warily. She hadn’t seemed to see them... yet, but with the determined way Lydia was moving, it wouldn’t be long til she noticed them, having just gotten all her bagged groceries back into her own trolley.

"What is she gonna do? Call the manager and say 'the girl with blue hair assaulted my daughter'? The worst she can do is bore me to death, you shouldn't be scared of a gold-digging slag with ego problems, you're basically a superhero," Lydia pointed out, turning to kiss him before loading the groceries into the car Simon managed to borrow from their parents.

Win’s Nathan spluttered, but accepted Lyddie’s kiss. “I guess,” he muttered. “I don’t always feel like a superhero though.” As soon as the words would out of his mouth he swallowed thickly, Win’s stepmum having clearly spotted him, her head swiveling his way and suddenly her trolley was changing directions. He couldn’t see her eyes behind the dark sunglasses she wore, but he swore she was glaring bloody murder at him.

“You!” she cried, running her trolley right into his shin as he yelped in pain. “You and you!” she amended, venom dripping from her voice as she turned her glare on Lydia. “You’re the miscreants that got my Delilah sent to the hospital!” she cried.

“Oh hi, Karen,” Nathan drawled, “So y’remember me? I’m flattered!”

"Hey, Karen... name suits you," Lydia added under her breath. She was probably the only one able to understand the joke from the future, but she didn't care. "I didn't do anything, Delilah's mouth sent her to the hospital, it wasn't me... and if you touch my boyfriend again you'll see who goes to the hospital next," Lydia growled. She tried to be civil, but seeing her run into Nathan like that was too much.

"You okay, sweetie?" she cooed, running her fingers through his curls as he nursed his bruised shin.

“Oh please, he’s fine!” Karen snapped, giving Nathan a disdainful look as he pouted, rubbing at his shin. “I want you to tell my ungrateful slag of a stepdaughter not to contact us again. Her father was willing to overlook her past transgressions, which is more than she deserved, honestly, but no longer. He wishes to have nothing further to do with her and it’s about time.”

"I'll really appreciate if you wash your fucking mouth before talking about my girlfriend," Lydia snapped back, flashing her a hollow grin before taking Nathan's hand to avoid slapping the woman. "Maybe watch what your own daughter is doing in her spare time. You know, besides committing crimes, terrorizing children... but it'll be my pleasure, I'll tell Win that her shitty family is finally leaving her alone, she'll be enthused!"

Nathan let Lydia pull him away. He knew, though, that she was bluffing. She wouldn’t tell Win what Karen had said, it would hurt Win too much. She’d always held out hope that her dad might finally come to his senses and try to make up for everything, to be the dad she needed him to be, and anger bubbled up inside him.

“But what about me?” he called, catching Karen’s attention once more. “Am I still allowed t’call? I mean, how else are we supposed to continue our illicit affair, Karen? You were the best cougar I’ve ever had! I thought what he had meant somethin’! And now you’re just throwin’ me away like a old rag?” he cried dramatically, drawing more onlookers’ attention and causing a scene, Karen’s mouth falling open.

"Oh my God! You're saying that you're cheating on me with this crusty old cunt?" Lydia cried, dramatically falling to her knees, crocodile tears running down her face. "Tell me now! She's the one who gave you crabs wasn't she? WASN'T SHE?” she sobbed, turning next to Win’s stepmum.

“You homewrecker, I’m pregnant with his child and you stab me in the back, stealing my boyfriend, Karen? You'll pay for what you did, you monster!" Lydia knew that would probably end up somewhere in some tabloid, but Karen's expression was absolutely priceless, totally worth the damage control afterwards.

Snickering, Nathan pulled Lyddie to her feet and jumped into the car, leaving Karen gaping after them as people stared and muttered behind their hands.

“Oh my God, that was priceless!” he laughed. “Lyddie, you were amazing! Absolute perfection!”

He knew it wouldn’t be enough to make up for the fact that Win’s dad was finally cutting her off for good, but it had felt good to humiliate Karen one last time.

"Thanks... I gotta practice for my big Broadway debut," Lydia laughed, taking Win's Nathan's face in her hands and kissing him lovingly. "Once we get home, Winnie can borrow my power and get rid of that bruise — speaking of that! I don't know what to say to her, she's gonna be devastated; I wanted tonight to be perfect for her."

“Maybe... we shouldn’t tell her?” Nathan ventured hesitantly. He didn’t want her to be upset either and he had a feeling hearing about this would completely ruin her night.

"Yeah, maybe it's best, at least for now..." Lydia agreed. "Maybe in New York, if I were to receive bad news, I'd rather be on top of the Empire State than a flat in Wertham."

——

“Jeeze what’s taking them so long,” Win muttered, checking her phone. She and Lyddie’s Nathan were on decoration duty while Lyddie and her Nathan had gone to the supermarket to grab the food. Smart idea, Win thought ruefully. Though Lydia had been teaching her some things, she still struggled in the kitchen and didn’t want to ruin the party with her subpar cooking skills.

With Nathan’s powers and Win borrowing them, it had taken them almost no time at all to decorate the flat for the party.

"They're shaggin', they have t'be!" Lyddie's Nathan groaned, throwing himself down to the couch. "It's almost time for the party and they’re shaggin' in her mum's car!"

“Maybe they just got held up,” Win murmured, sitting down next to him on the edge and running her fingers through his hair. “I’m sure they’ll be back soon.”

"Hey, loves!" Lydia exclaimed, shouldering open the door while carrying two huge paper bags under her arms. "Sorry we took so long, the line was crazy..."

"The line, uh huh..." her Natha teased, getting up to help. "Let's pretend I believe you."

“Oh sure, like you weren’t gettin’ frisky with Win while you were waitin’ for us,” Win’s Nathan teased, carrying the beer in.

"How dare you! We did no such thing!" Lyddie's Nathan gasped. "We've been workin'..."

"I wish we had time for that," Lydia mused, looking over at Win's Nathan, he was really sexy dealing with the whole Karen thing earlier. "But looks like I'll have to wait until after the party, the guests will be here any second."

“Why didn’t we do that?” Win teased, following Lyddie’s Nathan into the kitchen to help unload the food.

"Cause I'm nervous..." he admitted, it was a little scary, every time he remembered he was moving across the world, he felt slightly sick to his stomach. "But after the party I'll take care o'that," he pushed that fear aside and smiled.

“Aw, Nats,” Win murmured, wrapping her arms around him, momentarily surprised at his moment of vulnerability. “I’m nervous too,” she whispered. “But the important thing is we’ll all be together.”

Since the flat was so tiny, they only invited a few people — their closest friends, but Lydia was still freaking out. Being anxious about being a good host, on top of leaving for New York the next day, on top of the unpleasant (to say the least) encounter from earlier made her run and hide in the bedroom for a moment, not sure if she was doing everything right.

“Hey Lyds, you alright?” Win asked, pushing the door open a hair, having noticed her hurry out of the room.

"I-I don't know... I think I'm having a little bit of a panic attack, but I'll be fine," Lydia assured her, kissing the back of Win's hands. "Don't worry, baby, go have fun, I'll be right there."

“Are you sure? I really don’t mind if you want me to keep you company,” Win insisted.

"Maybe just for a second..." Lydia admitted, curling up against Win, trying to breathe properly. "I love you, Winnie. You’re amazing, you know that? If anyone ever says you're not, the problem's with them," she insisted heatedly.

“Oh Lyddie, I love you too,” Win murmured, holding her girlfriend while rubbing soothing circles against her back. “Did someone say I’m not amazing?” she asked with a laugh.

"I just wanted you to know, that's all," Lydia mumbled. "You're the best girlfriend I could ask for, and I don't ever wanna be without you." She said, looking up and placing a gentle kiss to Win's lips.

“Oh babe, you’re so sweet,” Win murmured, kissing her back as she caressed her cheek. “I don’t ever wanna be without you either, Lyddie.” She could hear the Nathans’ raucous laughter from the other room and was glad they were out there entertaining. “Everything’s gunna be alright,” Win assured Lydia. “Like I told Nathan... the most important part is we’ll all be together.”

"Yeah, that's all that matters..." Lydia agreed, getting up. Before opening the door, she hesitated, looking in the mirror to make sure everything was in place. "Let's do this."

"Hey, are you okay, Lyds?" Simon asked, pulling her to the corner as soon as he noticed her coming out of the room.

"Yeah yeah, don't worry, I was just a little scared, but I feel better now," she smiled.

Win gave Lyddie’s hand a squeeze before Simon pulled her off to the side to talk to her and she waded into the small sea of bodies, looking for a tall curly head.

“Hey! There yeh are, Winnie,” her Nathan exclaimed, his twin not too far off. “Where were ya?”

“I was talking to Lyddie, she got a little overwhelmed, but I think she’s okay now,” she murmured, looking around at all their friends. Most of them seemed to know her somehow, more like a faint memory, and though it made her a little sad to think about, it was bearable. At least they knew her at all.

Lydia tried to forget all the foggy thoughts getting in the way and tried to have fun. The Nathans worked really hard on planning the party, she didn't want to upset them by not enjoying it. Grabbing a beer, she sat down with the rest of the gang and her partners. Everyone seemed happy, chatting about anything and everything.

"So, what are you guys talking about?"

"Not much, just gushing about you," Win answered, leaning into her side as she joined them, resting her head against her shoulder for a moment.

"About me?" Lydia blushed, laughing as she imagined what they could be saying.

"Yeah, we were talkin' about your sexual prowess with three lovers," her Nathan mocked.

"Nathan, Jesus Christ..." Simon shook his head with a wince. "How many times have I told you not to do that? I don't wanna know!"

"Actually we were talking about the musical, and how excited we are to be spending time in New York again," Win cut in, giving Simon an apologetic grin.

"It feels so odd to think about it, it's like a dream, I'm really excited, you know even in the future there has never been a female Lonny in Rock of Ages, I have no idea how this happened!" Lydia was always so excited to talk about the musical. She knew she’d never be able to repay them for getting her to audition. "Of course, everyone's coming to the City to watch me when the night comes... I need everyone there," she insisted.

"Of course!" Alisha exclaimed excitedly, grabbing onto Simon's arm.

"Don't worry, we'll make sure everyone's there, Lollipop," Win's Nathan assured her with a grin, his hand resting on her thigh.

"Win? Hey, Win!" A voice through the crowd drew her attention and she looked up to see her bandmate, Max making his way over. She'd been a little surprised that the Nathans' had thought to invite him, but she was glad to see him.

"Max, hey!" she exclaimed, getting up from the couch to greet him with a hug.

"Who's that?" Lydia whispered to her Nathan, feeling just the tiniest hint of jealousy, not that she would ever admit it...

"That's Max, th’other Nathan had the idea to invite him," he explained.

Lydia watched that with an indecipherable expression. She didn't really understand why she felt so off.

"You alright?" Kelly asked, following Lydia's eyes.

"Yeah, sure," she answered distractedly, getting up to introduce herself. "Hey there."

"Hey!" Win exclaimed. "Oh, that's right, you guys have never been introduced before," she remembered. "Lyds, this is my bandmate Max. Max, this is my lovely girlfriend, Lydia," she said, wearing a bright smile.

"Nice to meet you," Lydia murmured, shaking his hand. "Make yourself at home, get a drink, a snack... I think I remember seeing you at the music festival that Winnie and I played at together, is that right?" she asked, taking her seat with a smile that made Simon and Lyddie's Nathan exchange a look.

“What's wrong with her?” Simon mouthed while Nathan shrugged, but he was wondering the same thing.

Win frowned as Lydia hurried away again before even really waiting for Max's response, but she couldn't exactly ask her about it right then.

"Hey, Win, d'you think we could go somewhere quieter?” Max asked, interrupting her thoughts. “There’s, uhh... there's something I need to talk to you about.”

"Uh, yeah, sure..." Win said awkwardly, looking around for a quiet spot. She didn’t exactly like the sound of that.

"I don't like him," Lydia announced suddenly, bouncing her leg nervously as she sat back down. "Not one bit..."

"Aww, is someone jealous?" her Nathan teased, poking her playfully.

"So what if I am?" she demanded, folding her arms.

"I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, Peanut..." Simon took her hand.

"Yeah, the Nathans should be jealous, but you're much hotter than that guy," Alisha assured her with a grin.

"I feel like I should be offended, but I don't exactly understand why," Lyddie's Nathan muttered with a twist of his lips.

"Don't worry, Lollipop, I may have been a little jealous of the guy back in th'day, but he's good people. Surprisingly," Win's Nathan exclaimed.

"C'mon, we can talk on the balcony," Win suggested, opening the sliding door and ushering Max outside. "So, what did you wanna talk about, Max?"

"It's actually somethin' I've been wanting to tell you for a while, and when I heard you were leaving to go to the States... well, I couldn't put off telling you any longer.”

Oh no, Win thought with a grimace. This can’t be good.

“Winrey, I'm in love with you," Max blurted out, taking her hand.

"What?" Win exclaimed in response, nearly ripping her hand from his.

"I've been in love with you for years, don't you remember that night we spent together once? Didn't that mean something to you?"

"Being 'good people' doesn't stop him from hitting on our girlfriend..." Lydia huffed. "Did you see the way he looked at her? I'm telling you, I have an eye for these things."

"Win has three partners, I think that's more than enough," Kelly laughed.

"Wow, Lollipop, haven't seen you like this ever since Ruth..." Lyddie's Nathan taunted. "Remember?"

"Yeah, granny fucker, very funny!" Lydia replied, shifting slightly closer to the balcony to hear their conversation.

"Max, what the fuck are you talking about?" Win exclaimed. “I never slept with you!”

“I know we were pretty drunk that night, but you have to remember.”

“Oh my God,” Win groaned. It must have been the other her, the one originally from this timeline before she showed up.

"I'm already in a relationship. Please don't do this, Max," she begged, saying anything to get him to back off.

"Do what? C'mon Win, I know you feel something for me too."

"Max, I—" Win sighed, unsure what else to say. This was not the conversation she wanted to be having right now, or ever to be honest. Max was her best friend outside of the ASBO group, and she didn't want to lose him, but there was no way she was gunna jeopardize her relationship for him, for something she didn’t do.

"Just, please Win—" Before she could react he leaned in to kiss her.

In a flurry of events the sliding door suddenly flew open and Lydia’s angry voice echoed over the Estate. "BACK THE FUCK OFF MY GIRLFRIEND" she cried, fuming.

The two Nathans looked at each other surprised, Lyddie wouldn't act like that without a reason... she must've heard or seen something they didn’t.

"You come to my flat, in the middle of my party, and you try to kiss my fucking girlfriend? What the fuck, man?" she shouted angrily. The rest of the gang was taken back, Simon’s eyes widening — it had been a long time since he'd seen his sister that angry.

Turns out she did have a good eye for that stuff.

"Get the fuck out!" Lydia snapped, pointing at the door. "I've had a pretty hard day, I don't need this shit. Take the hint and leave."

"But, Win, please?" Max stuttered, hesitating.

"Max, I'm sorry, but you need t'leave," Win said, giving him a pointed look. For a moment she didn't think he was going to, but finally he stormed out and Win slumped into the nearest chair, hiding her face in her hands.

"Very well done, Nathan, brilliant!" Lydia snapped at both of them, thought they couldn't have possibly known this was going to happen. "Very memorable last night in England!" she cried, throwing her hands up.

She wasn't mad at Win, of course not, it wasn't her fault, though the thought of her — any version of her — sleeping with him made Lyddie's stomach churn and she slumped down next to Winnie.

"Hey, it's okay," she whispered. "I'm so sorry this happened, I... wanted tonight to be perfect for you."

"It's not your fault, Lyddie," Win murmured, completely embarrassed. "I'm so sorry, I didn't think he'd... I had no idea he felt that way," she said, squeezing her eyes shut. "I'm gunna... uh, I'll be right back—“ Before anyone could say anything more Win made a b-line for the bedroom, away from everyone's prying eyes.

Lydia was pretty much used to sharing her entire life with the gang, but she’d known them for a long time, Win had only known them since Community Service and she suddenly felt bad for making such a scene in front of everyone. "

“Winnie, baby," Lyddie exclaimed, hurrying to the door and knocking gently. "Can I come in? I just wanna talk and hold you, I'm sorry for all the yelling, I just couldn't help it."

“Yeah, you can come in,” Win said, her voice muffled. As soon as Lydia shut the door behind her Win quickly scrubbed at her eyes, trying to hide her tears.

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea he felt that way... I can’t believe he tried to kiss me— I can’t believe he actually thought I’d leave you guys for him. I’m just... I’m sorry, I don’t want you t’think—“ She shook her head and sank to the bed.

"There's nothing you could've done, baby, it was completely delusional of him to come here and pull this stunt," Lydia joined Win in bed and pulled her close. "I love you, I would never judge you because of that. I was really jealous and I embarrassed you, I'm so sorry about that."

“You were jealous?” Win asked softly, glancing over, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"Yeah, of course..." Lyddie felt her cheeks burn slightly. "I saw th’way he looked at you, I saw you hugging him, I was bloody jealous."

“Aw babe,” Win drawled, her embarrassment forgotten for the moment. “Is it terrible that I kinda like that? It makes me feel special,” she laughed. “I’m sorry, I’m terrible.”

"No, you're not terrible and you are special..." Lydia felt happy for being able to make Win smile after that shitshow. "I just love you too much, and thinking about someone else with you made me lose it, you're mine."

“Someone other than a Nathan?” Win teased. “I like how fiery you got babe, it was pretty hot,” she admitted, sliding her hand along Lyddie’s jaw as she leaned in to kiss her.

"I've never seen you get jealous over me..." Lydia mused, kissing her back, one hand firmly squeezing her thigh. "But that's good to know, I should get jealous over you more often," she joked.

“I’ve been jealous before,” Win admitted softly between kisses. “Though it wasn’t like some asshole was about to try to shove his tongue down your throat,” she said with a small laugh. “But I’ve definitely been jealous,” she said. “It’s usually when fans flirt with you and you don’t realize it, or when guys at the bar check you out...”

"Yeah you're right, it does feel good," Lyddie murmured, using her thigh to part Win's legs, as she pushed her back, grinding against her. "To know that you're scared of losing me, it's cute..." she moved to kiss Win's neck. "I think we might be getting a little outta hand here, do you want me to stop?"

“No, please don’t stop,” Win moaned, tilting her head for Lyddie to keep kissing her neck.

“Win, are you oka—?!” her Nathan exclaimed, cutting off as soon as he saw Lyddie with her. “Oh! I... sorry. I came t’check on yeh... I knew that guy was bad news!”

"Hey, go on, sit down," Lydia bit her lip. "That is if you'd like to watch…” she drawled before turning her attention back to her girlfriend. "Don't worry, we'll be back at the party in no time, but you gotta be quiet, okay, Winnie?" Lydia purred next to her ear, one of her hands sliding under Win's shirt as her thigh kept rubbing against her girlfriend's sex. "Come on, baby, you know what to do..."

Win nodded, careful not to make a noise as she reached for her Nathan who joined them without having to be told twice.

"So beautiful like this..." Lyddie breathed before capturing Win's lips, one hand sliding between her legs, gathering her arousal as lube to tease her clit. "Say you're mine, Winnie," she commanded.

“I’m yours, Lyddie,” she breathed, her breath catching, and she rolled her hips against her hand.

"You're so good, baby," Lydia pumped one finger inside of her while nipping at the tender skin of her neck. "I love you so much."

“I love you too, please Lyddie,” Win whimpered, jumping as she felt Nathan’s thumb circle her clit as Lydia’s fingers pumped into her. “Oh—“ she sighed, writhing at the pleasure that coursed through her at such two simple touches.

"Please what? You wanna come for us? Is that what you want, baby? Cause I wanna watch you..." Lyddie added another finger, moving faster, while leaving a trail of hickeys down Win's neck.

“Yes, please, I’ll be quiet,” Win whined, threading her fingers in Lyddie’s hair, her other hand seeking Nathan’s.

"Good girl, come for me," Lyddie smirked, by now all the anxiety and sadness had faded, the only one she could focus on was Win.

As if Lyddie’s words were a switch Win climaxed, her body tensing as pleasure took over and she was floating for a moment. When she came down from her high, her chest heaving, she looked up at her two lovers and gave a tremulous smile. “I love you both, so much.”

"I love you too," Lydia licked her fingers clean and gently kissed Win's forehead. "Are you ready to go back? Can't leave Natty out there by himself for too long," she laughed.

“Yeah, you go on, I’ll be there in a sec,” Win murmured, sitting up, her eyes trailing over to her Nathan who seemed rather quiet.

"Okay," Lyddie stole one last kiss before leaving. When she came out, she found exactly what she expected: Nathan being Nathan, cracking jokes and pulling tricks that only made everyone roll their eyes, while Lydia laughed.

“Did you ever have a thing with Max?” Win’s Nathan asked quietly.

“No,” Win answered truthfully. “He’s a good friend, but I never thought of him that way. Though, if what he said tonight is to be believed, apparently my clone from this timeline did…”

Nathan nodded reluctantly. “Guess he’s been in love with you ever since, huh? Or at least… well, you know...”

“Yeah, I guess,” Win murmured. “This is just so fucked up.”

“I know,” Nathan exclaimed, reaching for her and Win let him pull her into his arms. “But it’s not your fault.”

“I know, but I’m still sorry...” she insisted, her words muffled against his shirt.

“Y’got nothin’ to be sorry for. I’m sorry he did that t’yeh.”

Win stayed there for a long time, just letting Nathan hold her.

“C’mon, let’s go back out there and put all this behind us, huh? Don’t wanna keep our lovely Lyddie waitin’,” Nathan said, pulling Win to her feet.

“Yeah, definitely not,” Win agreed, seeming better, and they left the room to rejoin the party.

"So you were right about Max after all," Lyddie's Nathan let his head rest on her lap while they all watched a movie.

"Yeah, as usual..." she teased. "But I thought you were used to it by now." She grinned as Win and the other Nathan joined them. It felt so odd to know that tomorrow she would have to say goodbye to all their friends and her home.

"Hey, Simon?" a voice came from the door, Max having left it ajar as he’d left and Lydia looked at her brother, tears springing to her eyes as she recognized the voice.

"In here, dad!" he called.

"I was hoping this was the right address, you know how I am sometimes..."

"Yeah," Lyddie laughed as she shed a tear.

"The car, right... I'll get the keys. Dad, you remember my friend Lyddie, right?" Simon asked, taking her hand as he got to his feet. "She's going to the US tomorrow to perform on Broadway."

"Wow, that's amazing! Congratulations! I remember how talented you are," he exclaimed, holding his hand out to shake hers, but instead Lydia threw her arms around him.

Win watched Lydia hug her dad from her spot on the couch and she was overcome with a sudden wave of emotion. She really wished that Lyddie could tell him the truth about her identity some day. She wanted her to be happy. And a part of her wished that she and her own dad could work things out. For a moment she thought about giving him a call, but what would she say?

"Do you wanna stay? We have plenty of food and beer," Lydia asked hopefully, fixing her hair to cover the birthmark on her shoulder.

"Thank you, but I can't, I'm supposed to pick my daughter up at the library. It's getting a little late, don't want her walking around alone."

"Yeah, that's... yeah, it's dangerous at night, thanks for dropping by," Lydia stumbled over her words.

"Well, congrats again on the Broadway thing," he said, giving Lydia a tender look and waved at the rest of the guests. "Have a good night you lot, sorry for interrupting your party," he chuckled before leaving.

"Goodbye," Lydia waved back, falling into her Nathan's lap. "—Dad," she added softly after he’d already left.

Win looked over as Lyddie returned, slipping her hand in hers without a word and giving her a squeeze. “Can I get you anything?” she asked.

"Just a hug," Lydia murmured, wiping the tears from her face as she took Win in her arms. "Let's just finish the movie, yeah?"

“Of course, babe,” Win murmured, pulling Lydia into her arms. As they watched the movie, the Nathans cracking jokes and quoting random lines Win idly ran her fingers through Lyddie’s hair, feeling strangely at peace, despite how the evening had gone.

———————-

Tag list: @magic-multicolored-miracle @santacarlahorrorshow @messengeronthemoon @the-freckled-luba @firstpersonnarrator @spanishmossmagnolia @salvador-daley @forenschik @a-ghoulish-tale @love-is-dirty-baby @vonkimmeren @violetrainbow412-blog

#misfits #nathan young #nathan young x oc #nathan x win #nathan x lyddie #otp: green apple lollipop #timeline anomaly’verse #collaboration

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achaoticeternal · 4 years

Text

A Million Little Lies

STEVE ROGERS X READER / BUCKY BARNES X READER masterlist // taglist

Summary: You had always loved Bucky, but Steve always had that look in his eyes. But neither of you ever tried anything past stolen stares. So when Bucky vanishes after The Snap, Steve takes care of all your needs. What happens when Bucky and everyone has come back? Word Count: 2k A/N: This is based off the beautiful song illicit affairs by taylor swift Warnings: Heavy Angst, Brief mentions of smut, Cheating, Death, Tough Goodbyes, but somewhat happy ending?

You set your favorite perfume back down onto your dresser, deciding against wearing it in case it rubbed of. Neither of you need anyone wondering what happened behind closed doors or after team meetings. It was safer to keep things quiet, maybe it would help you both not get too attached. Or so you hoped for yourself.

“Where you headed off to this morning, (Y/N)?” Rhodey asked as you grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Just a run.”

It was hard to pinpoint when this little flame started. Maybe it was when Natasha had first introduced you to both Bucky and Steve when you had switched from working at SHIELD to Stark Industries and ultimately working for The Avengers. Back then you were considered a younger recruit and really only had connections with Natasha, Tony, and Maria Hill.

“Boys, I’d like you to meet, (Y/N) (Y/L/N), the latest recruit to our espionage division.”

It would be hard for anyone not to find both the super soldiers attractive, but you were awestruck. Bucky easily made the first move, because he had fallen just as hard for you. Back then, Steve was still hung up on Peggy and trying to move on with Sharon. Yet, you spent much time with both of them.

“It’s a great pleasure to meet you, (Y/N),” Bucky charmed you by pressing a soft kiss to your knuckles.

“It’ll be nice to have you on the team, kid,” Steve offered a smile and a nod, already appointing you a nickname- teasing at your younger age.

Loving Bucky came naturally because he gave you all of himself and was honest about absolutely everything. He was ready for a relationship and someone to help him through his baggage, even though he thought he didn’t deserve it. You were happy together, even when trying to live a simple life in Wakanda.

But there was one night... It was Bucky’s birthday and it was one of the first times where he felt comfortable around the whole team and was genuinely happy. Of course, Thor had managed to get him wasted on Asgardian mead which meant you would have to cure the hangover that came with it the next morning. While Bucky chatted away with Thor and Sam, you took a moment to step onto the balcony.

“I don’t believe I’ve ever thanked you, kid” Steve spoke, appearing from the shadows.

“Thank me for what, Captain?”

“You can call me Steve, (Y/N),” he said leaning against the railing next to you, “And I never have thanked for not only being good to Bucky, but being the best thing for us since we’ve come out of the ice. You’ve done a lot for both him and me. You deal with the late nights and the struggles of adapting to this modern world.”

You turn your head see him basically towering over to you, and the pair of you lock eyes, “But that’s nothing to thank me for, I care for both of you...” The world seemed to slow as you took in every detail of Steve’s face. From the glint of green in his eyes to the small scar above his right eye to how his face kept getting closer to yours, “and because I love Bucky.”

His actions stopped and he breathed, apparently coming to his senses, “Yeah, it’s just nice to have someone else to care for Bucky like we’ve looked after each other for well... a century.”

“I guess that I was just another dame on your map of planned destined meetings.”

While Bucky was around, nothing more ever happened between you and Steve past the longing stares. His eyes just always perfectly met yours whether it be across the dinner table, or across seats in the quinjet.

And he also was a comfort when both of you lost Bucky and the others to the Snap. Steve held you and rocked you to sleep night after night while you cried wishing that it were you instead. It was the third night after the battle in Wakanda, you had just finished cleaning his wounds again and applying the bandages. You both were in his room, as you had been for the past few nights because it was hard to lay in the same bed when Bucky was no longer there to hold you.

You went stepped into the bathroom to discard of the old bandages when you halted in front of the mirror. You saw the dark circles beneath your eyes and how hallow you were becoming from ignoring any self care. And you just broke down, falling to the bathroom floor, barely holding your head up when Steve came to your side.

“I know, kid,” he said softly, sweeping you into his arms, “it hurts so much, we lost hi,. we lost everyone. but we have to figure out what’s next.”

“What do I do now Steve? No one has ever cared for me, or loved all of me like Bucky did.”

He caught your cheeks between his hands and swiped away the tears that fell, “I do, and I’ll take care of you, kid.”

Steve pressed his lips to yours and it was the first time you had felt anything besides sadness in days. And this new feelings, this desire and lust for Steve, crashed over you like a wave. Even if it was deadly and would drown you, you let the waters rush over you as you gave yourself to him.

It became addicting. There was a wonderful rush with each meeting that begun in his bedroom or in beautiful hotel rooms. You told yourself that you could go above water and breath whenever you wanted to. Yet, it was hard to say no or stop when you longed for the same rush to come over you again. But then the waters calmed. And the meetings weren’t as wonderful as sneaking into his room late at night because others were getting suspicious.

So Steve moved out of the compound and into his own private apartment. He justified it to the team as making it easier to show the support groups he worked with that people can move on past what things were. But it also would be easier to sneak around to see each other, away from your curious team. Even if the apartment or the parking lots meetings weren’t extravagant, Steve still took care of you.

After the pair of you rode out your orgasms, he flopped next you and pulled you into his chest. You listened to his deep breaths and his heart beat, just appreciating the moment for what it was.

“You know, baby, I wish we could get away from of all this,” he spoke softly while rubbing shapes into your bare arm, “We could’ve had a simple and happy life together. Would you like that?”

You looked up into his eyes, “You know I would have loved that,” he leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“One day, we can just leave together. We’ll go where ever we want and just be happy together. I’ll build you a house and we can spend our days together,” he rested his head against the top of yours.

You smiled at the thought, because it would be nice. But you knew that his words and thoughts of leaving everything behind was riddled with a million little lies. Maybe though he could mean it...

Now, the Avengers had defeated Thanos and mostly everyone had returned home. Bucky was back. You could have your old life with him back. But before anything could happen, you had to talk to Steve.

“So, what do we do now?” You asked him as you both stood in the living room of his apartment.

“What do you mean? The world’s normal again, so we can go back to our lives and finally settle.”

“I don’t think I understand...” You look into his eyes, completely lost by his words. Was he pushing you away?

“Oh baby, I’m sorry, but I just don’t know if we could continue whatever we were. I mean, Bucky is back and I have a plan on my mind now that everything is good again.”

“So every night we were together was actually a lie...”

“Listen, kid, I honestly thought-” He stepped closer to you.

“No”

“What?”

“No.”

“Now I don’t understand, kid, I-”

“Don’t call me kid. Don’t call me baby. I gave all of me to you when I was completely broken. You pulled me out of the mess that I was and then showed me colors that I can’t see with anybody else.”

“(Y/N), we can’t have the life we thought we could anymore. It just not possible and I thought you would just realize that as everything was unfolding.”

“Steve, for five years, you were my everything and you have made me an idiotic fool. We made a secret life together, we have a secret language that I can speak with anyone else. I don’t know how to go back to life before.”

The room was still as neither of you said a word. What was just supposed to be watching each others back, maybe taking care of each other; but it was never supposed to become some sort of affair.

“I let myself drown in you when you were supposed to be my lifeboat. But the worst part is that you knew that. I never realized it, but you knew damn well that I would completely ruin anything and everything for you a million little times.”

“(Y/N), I’m sorry but you have to go back to Bucky... because I’m leaving. And I’ve already discussed it with him.”

It was like a bullet went through you. Maybe this was all just in your head, because while you clinged on for dear life- he had already let go...

“Goodbye, Steve,” You walked out of his apartment for the last and went to your true home, back with Bucky.

Steve left the next day. He said goodbye to Sam and Bucky. You only knew of this because Bucky had told you. Steve was back with Peggy and lived the life he had always wanted with his best girl.

But Bucky handed you a letter, from Steve to you...

Hey Kid,

I know it is hard saying goodbye. That’s why I tried to push you away so hard, because you became a reason to stay. But how could I have stayed. You were the only person left that needed me. The world is in safe hands. It doesn’t need the soldier out of time anymore.

I know you’re conflicted right now. You’re happy Bucky is back, but now everything we had is gone. I promise this was the right decision though. You can continue your life with Bucky. You can now only worry about looking after one super soldier instead of two. It’ll be easier. Maybe not now, but it will be.

But I do need to let you know that I don’t regret our years together. I loved you. You were my only source of light. You were the sunshine that helped me grow, but I can’t take your sunshine away from Bucky.

I hope you’ll find it in your heart one day to forgive me.

You once said that us meeting was a planned destiny. That was needed each other. I agree, but this was always my destiny. And now you can have your’s with Bucky.

Don’t forget me, but don’t dwell on me. Create more colors with Bucky than you did with me. Create a new language that only you two understand. Take care of each other

Truly yours forever,

Steve Rogers

P.S Peggy and I had a daughter and I named her (Y/N) after you. It might seem crazy, but her eyes look just like yours.

“What did he have to say?”

You wiped away a stray tear, “To keep you out of trouble.”

Bucky smiled and picked you up, placing a kiss to your lips, “Let’s get back to our life together.”

CAPTAIN AMERICA TAGLIST: @melannie77 @heyiamthatbitch @princess-evans-addict @elsasshole @givemebooksorgivemedeath @anhelz @underratedmisfit @moonlightmvrvel @mrspeacem1nusone @my-favorite-fics-and-imagines @inactivewhore

WINTER SOLDIER TAGLIST: @melannie77 @elsasshole @anhelz @underratedmisfit @my-favorite-fics-and-imagines @inactivewhore

#mattie writes #marvel #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #captain america x reader #the winter solider x reader #steve x peggy #avengers x reader #avengers endgame #chris evans x reader #sebastian stan x reader #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers angst #steve rogers smut #captain america imagine #chris evans imagine #angst #dark!steve x reader

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forevers-winter · 4 years

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full folklore analysis!!

as promised, here u go. warning very long.

first of all, the album’s name is super important to its meaning. “folklore” is stories passed by mouth, whether spoken or sung, so taylor’s not singing about herself in most of these songs and some of them are linked into a bigger story. i’ll start with individual analysis of each song and then get into the main storyline.

the 1: from the perspective of a girl (our protagonist) that’s been cheated on, hence the line “if it would’ve been me.” she’s looking back on a relationship that was very summer-love-esque and fun while also acknowledging that it wasn’t meant to be and detailing the bittersweetness of that understanding. one of my faves; linked to august, illicit affairs, and betty.

cardigan: from taylor’s perspective about joe and how she met him at a time where most everyone saw her as a snake or a backstabber and was neck-deep in the worst drama she’s ever been in. as she says in miss americana, “falling in love with someone who had a wonderfully normal, balanced life” was the best thing that could’ve happened to her at that time, hence her relationship with joe made her “feel new again” after so many that were always in the public eye. a lot of people think the cobblestones line is related to betty and/or the 1, but this song as a whole doesn’t fit with the heartbroken themes of those two. more likely it’s hinting at the fact the taylor and joe spend a lot of time together in europe, where cobblestone sidewalks and roads are commonplace.

the last great american dynasty: as many have realized, this is the story of rebekah harkness, the former owner of taylor’s rhode island house who hosted a ballet studio there. that’s literally it, just the story of a badass who doesn’t give af about the opinions of people around her. also one of my faves.

exile: dual perspective from both sides of a relationship that ended with the woman moving on and the man staying stuck in the past. “staring like he’s just your understudy,” “i gave so many signs,” etc. may be about one of taylor’s past relationships in relation to her and joe now but i doubt it. if i had to guess, probably calvin harris bc there were also engagement rumors and marriage plans swirling around with the two of them.

my tears ricochet: taylor’s perspective about the john mayer situation, ie “didn’t have it in myself to go with grace,” “if i’m dead to you,” “battleships,” etc. taylor notoriously wrote an almost-seven-minute song absolutely tearing him apart back on speak now (not going with grace), and their relationship was crazy violent and accusatory for the year or two following (battleships) and neither of them have talked about it since (dead to me+battleships sinking). i think this is her way of apologizing whether or not she had to (spoiler alert: she didn’t).

mirrorball: taylor’s perspective about the public’s opinion on her and joe “i know they said the end is near” but also telling them that their relationship is still going strong “i’m still on my tallest tiptoes...shining just for you.”

seven: holy fuck this song. it’s obviously from taylor’s perspective about her childhood as it mentions pennsylvania, but i have no clue who it could be about and i think that’s the point. it’s about loving someone in your childhood (no pronouns but implied that it’s a girl due to braids and hiding the closet) and wanting to run away with them but realizing as you get older that it won’t happen and eventually forgetting each other’s faces but still remembering how they made you feel. def one of my faves on the album bc it’s g a y a f.

august: also very young-summer-lovey, perspective of a high school girl who lost her virginity to someone older (same person who cheated on her in the 1) hence “never have i ever before,” “you back at school,” etc. but ended up being abandoned and manipulated into thinking they still cared “cancel plans just in case you’d call.” linked to illicit affairs and betty, more on that later.

this is me trying: taylor’s perspective detailing the struggle of growing up in the public eye as a superstar. “had the shiniest wheels now they’re rusting”=going from the golden girl of country music to a politicized controversy-ridden indie/alternative artist. again linked to miss americana: she wanted to stand up for what she believes in and is defending her missteps by stating that she’s trying her best. another of my faves.

illicit affairs: protagonist again. goes into detail about an apparent affair with her partner, now confirmed to be a “him” in the line about perfume.

invisible string: about taylor and joe, super cute, soulmate au type beat. next.

mad woman: taylor roasting sc**ter br*un within an inch of his life as she should. next.

epiphany: hooo boy this one is DEEP. not taylor’s perspective, but about the general trauma anyone experiences from watching someone die or being with them as they die; “some things you just can’t speak about.” extremely relevant during the pandemic, “hold your hand through plastic now” and the recurring line about watching someone breathe. the epiphany in question is the hope for a miracle cure to save the person as they’re dying. favorite crying song on the album.

betty: here we goooooo. perspective of the protagonist’s partner james and his* apologizing to betty for cheating “it was just a summer thing.” the scene of walking on cobblestones and being picked up in a car is the opposite perspective of the same scene in august, and “her” is the narrator of the 1, august, and illicit affairs. the way my interpretation differs from others is that betty isn’t the protagonist in the storyline. *also the fact that this song could very well be wlw if one assumes that illicit affairs is a standalone story not related to the love triangle.

peace: this one...giving us very much kaylor if you ask me. sunshine babey. i can’t even fully analyze it because my dumb bisexual brain just becomes tv static. however, it implies that kaylor will never be an official thing but they’ll keep coming back to each other as friends, hence “never give you peace.” also completely unrelated but the line “clowns to the West” LMAOAKSDNWN ROAST THEM SIS.

hoax: our girl is back. not taylor, the same narrator from all those other songs. this is her final take on james leaving her for betty until the 1, years later.

okay, if you’re still here, buckle up bc here’s the full story in order. august: our girl and james are in love in the summer. everything is cute and good but looking back she sees the trouble on the horizon. illicit affairs: james gets with betty but is still fuckin around with our girl on the side. the line about lies and lies implies that he said betty was the side girl and she believed and cared about him enough to stay while he’s really falling in love with betty and she ignores all the signs that she’s actually the other woman. between this song and betty, betty finds out about our girl and breaks up with james. betty: james realizes he loves betty instead of our girl and is apologizing (and making excuses) on her porch. betty’s a dumb bitch so she forgives him and they get back together. hoax: our girl is in absolute despair over james, who she trusted and loved with all her heart only for him to run off with betty. the 1: despite being the first song on the album, it’s the conclusion to the love triangle’s story. our girl is years older and more mature, looking back on her summer with james and understanding that he couldn’t control his falling out of love with her but appreciating the time they had together. flashes of the sadness from hoax come back, but she always switches it back to the positive. in conclusion, chronological order of the story is: august, illicit affairs, betty, hoax, the 1. and scene.

here’s my potentially hot take and explanation why i don’t think this album is about karlie: doubting taylor and joe’s relationship in favor of shipping kaylor is biphobic, especially after seven on this album basically confirms taylor has had crushes on girls/is bi. it’s one thing to speculate about the past or hope for them to get together, but ignoring the times taylor has gone on record saying that she loves joe and the songs she’s written about him and the more recent evidence that the two are quarantining together is disrespectful to her current relationship. the notion that she’s secretly dating karlie while letting her fans and the press think she’s with joe is furthering the stereotype that bi people are more likely to cheat or lie in a relationship and therefore biphobic. thank you.

anyway lmk if you want me to analyze the non-storyline aspects of the album! (or if you hate me for making it less gay lmao)

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shyantheswiftfan · 4 years

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“evermore” song analysis part 2 (tracks 6-10)

Hello! I’ve decided to write some short analyses for the songs of “evermore”. The way I’m choosing to write these is by listing main themes of each song, giving a short paragraph about how I interpret the story and feeling of each song, then listing other Taylor songs that I think have similar themes. I might do a more in-depth lyrical analysis of some songs later on. Let me know what you think.

- Read Part 1 Here - - Read Part 3 Here -

So, let’s get back into it! This is part 2 of 3.

Track 6: no body, no crime

Main themes: crime, revenge, cheating

My thoughts: Here’s the first collab of the album, and I have to say, it’s not a disappointment. HAIM + Taylor is an amazing combination. Now, let’s talk about the lyrics because damn, I was not expecting a whole murder mystery. I love a song that is just good ol’ fashioned story telling. From Este’s husband cheating, to poor Este going missing, his mistress talking her place, and the eventual murder of the husband (who definitely got what was coming to him). My personal favorite detail is the line “When I passed his house, his truck has got some brand new tires.” … yeah, he did it.

Sister songs: Should’ve Said No, Better Than Revenge, I Did Something Bad

Track 7: happiness

Main themes: hope, loss, remembrance

My thoughts: For me, this is the saddest song on the album. It’s a story that’s all too common. Two good people who have just fallen out of love in a failing relationship. The narrator is trying to process this separation and figure out how to move on from this. (”and in the disbelief, I can’t face reinvention. I haven’t met the new me yet.”) It’s a very sad, but hopeful song as the narrator is acknowledging that while the relationship made them happy, it doesn’t mean they can’t feel those feelings again. I appreciate the references to The Great Gatsby in this song. (”I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool.” and “the green light of forgiveness.”) I may do an in-depth analysis of the lyrics for this song because there is so much to talk about with this one.

Sister songs: Last Kiss, All Too Well, Clean

Track 8: dorothea

Main themes: wonder, missing, reminiscing

My thoughts: This song ties in with ‘tis the damn season from the opposite perspective. The narrator is seeing Dorothea on the television, wondering if she’s happy with her new life, or does she miss where she came from.(”Do you ever stop and think about me?” and ”But are you the same soul I met under the bleachers?”) They can tell Dorothea has changed, and maybe she isn’t all too happy with the way her life is going; saying she is welcome to return whenever. (”The stars in your eyes shined brighter in Tupelo, and if you’re ever tired of being known for who you know. You know, you’ll always have me.”) It’s a very relatable story to anyone who has seen a friend or love move away to pursue their dreams and lose themselves in them.

Sister songs: Long Live, The Lucky One, Wildest Dreams

Track 9: coney island

Main themes: guilt, falling out of love, apology

My thoughts: This is the second collab from the album, featuring The National, and it’s beautifully heartbreaking. This is one song I know I’m going to do an in-depth lyrical analysis of because there is too much to mention here. This story of a couple that are frozen in a relationship, but they don’t feel the same love like they used to. To the point where they don’t recognize each other anymore. (”looking for you, but you’re right here.” and “wondering where did my baby go?”) It seems like they’re both trying to get the other to leave them, but they’re stuck. (”if I pushed you to the edge, but you were too polite to leave me” and “did I leave you hanging every single day?”) The bridge seems to have references to Taylor’s past loves with each line, but I’ll get into that more when I analyze this song further.

Sister songs: Haunted, The Moment I Knew, exile

Track 10: ivy

Main themes: infidelity, secrets, comfort

My thoughts: I love this song so much. This one actually reminded me of a poem I wrote a couple years ago with similar imagery. This story about someone married who falls for another person, but they have to keep it secret because she’s “promised to another”. The narrator describes themselves as a “house of stone”, which I interpret as them saying they see themselves as hard and closed off. But, then this new person comes in as “ivy” and brings new life to the narrator’s stone heart. I’m not sure how much Taylor knows about vining plants, or if I’m reaching here; but, if ivy takes root inside cracks, it can make the problems worse. Which I see as symbolism for how this new love can cause more issues in the marriage than their already was. (”Spring breaks loose, but so does fear. He’s gonna burn this house to the ground.”)

Sister songs: Begin Again, I Know Places, illicit affairs

Thanks for reading! See you with the last part tomorrow!

#taylor swift #no body no crime #happiness #dorothea #coney island #ivy #haim #the national #evermore #song analysis

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laneofpennies · 4 years

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ok so i’m just gonna get all my thoughts about wkm and folklore out in this post so i can stop being incomprehensible

and yes, this has ego shipping. i couldn’t stop myself.

the 1

Damien and William. I’ll start off like that. I feel like this is a melancholy ballad about a couple who didn’t work out due to maybe distance or misunderstanding- or in this case, being gay in the 1920s- and looking back on their childhood and regretting never taking that step. Also, the addition of meeting someone else and taking them home makes me think of Celine. And the singer seems successful, much like a mayor of a small city.

cardigan

Actor!Mark is written absolutely all over this song, albeit before he was entirely corrupted. But the plot, about someone still being in love despite the other having cheated and being hurt so much time after? That’s Mark, babeyyy. We know his mental state was not great after the divorce- maybe even before that. Celine was his rock.

the last great american dynasty

This tips more into my own canon, I’ll admit. But I always thought Celine and Damien weren’t exactly from the same social class as Mark. So when the marriage between the two happened, people talked. But Celine was always a badass. Even if after the divorce she was persecuted by the media, she kept her head up. Also this song makes me cry and so does Celine so I feel like that’s enough of a connection.

exile (Ft. Bon Iver)

THE MOST Celine and Mark song, well, ever. Miscommunication. References to acting as a career. The longing to make things right. Two perspectives. The third guy, who in this case is William, swooping in. Mark not having seen any of the signs of her discomfort in the lifestyle she led, and Celine just feeling shut out. I also feel like Mark was often worried about her offending other famous actors and she felt suffocated whenever they went out together.

my tears ricochet

Actor. This one might seem like a stretch, but the Mark we know is not the same from before the divorce. He was hurting, and confused as to why this had all happened to them. We know the divorce was messy and ended an entire friend group, and Celine seemed to have taken it much better, leading to the current circumstance. The fear of being home all alone- in this case because of a literal demon.

mirrorball

Since this song is revolving around someone that blends in, changes, can show a million different faces, I think it’s perfect for the DA, aka the viewer. This character had to be written so that we could all see ourselves in them, whether that be for WKM, ADWM, or AHWM. Also the metaphor about broken glass...? That’s just too perfect.

seven

More of my slight headcanons!! William and Damien growing up as friends must have been very close to this song. There’s talk about haunted houses, best friends, secrets, keeping in the closet, strict parents... I feel like they would be really cute in this song. They’ve been friends for ages, and even now, though they both look a little different. Overall, this song about childhood innocence slowly eroding fits the colonel and the politician.

august

This song is the second in the story about love affairs, excluding Illicit Affairs. This one always struck me because of how soft and tender it was, despite this being from the view of the other woman. There is a hint of regret and sadness that they can’t be publicly together, but you can tell there was genuine love between them. I like to think that William did love Celine, and saw the darkness within that house and within Mark. The affair was where it crossed the line, and he knew they couldn’t go back.

this is me trying

This one I see as mostly just about Damien. He had been the glue in this friend group for so long, and was so eager to see them all back together, it only made sense he would take the affair and divorce just as hard as those directly involved. I can imagine him pleading for reconciliation and attempting to help Mark through everything while still staying loyal to his sister. It must have been a struggle, and one he never let go of.

illicit affairs

Oddly enough, this song isn’t directly attached to August and Cardigan, but I feel like it fits perfectly for how Celine felt throughout the entire affair. She lost her love for Mark. She knew it was wrong, but she did truly did fall in love with William. The pains of being in their secret relationship and how useless she feels is perfect for how she wanted so strongly to be out of this situation even if she couldn’t be without either of them.

invisible string

Since the overall theme of this song revolves around the individual lives of two strangers having always been weaved together by fate, I feel like it fits the story Mark is building with all of these characters. Though this song is much happier, haha. This can also point to Mark now wanting us to be the love interest and trying to convince us we had been meant to be from the start, him being the hero and all.

mad woman

OBVIOUSLY Celine. She has her flaws, but she genuinely was a tough character who cared about her family. Even if she had been put down for her fieriness and her hobbies especially being a woman at the turn of the century, this madness is almost a freedom for her. Actor wasn’t the best husband, at least we can assume, and William wasn’t perfect either. And she never confided in her brother until it was too late. So all of this points back to her not trusting anyone in her life other than herself, and being trapped with her own anger and passions. I could write a whole essay on this one, guys-

epiphany

I guess this one might be fairly obvious. William. The Colonel who served more than his time. Who’s seen horrors that he still has yet to overcome. I imagine this song is specifically about him in the war, fighting to stay alive for his friends, and then him having to adjust and rely on them once he first returned home and had to deal with consequences of everything he saw overseas.

betty

gay and yearning. damien and william. next question.

peace

ok ok hear me out- The viewer about Damien. They’re life partners, whether that be romantic or platonic. Working together, studying together- it’s obvious there’s a really strong connection there. Also, the lyrics describe someone I really feel like fits Damien- honorable, has integrity, kind. Maybe this is self-indulgent but it seems like it really fits them.

hoax

This song is about a toxic relationship. Taylor knows it won’t work out, but she needs the other. The undertones of standing on the cliffside, the mentions of heroes and scars and the overall theme of faith and dependency make me, again, come back to Actor, thinking about Celine. Say what you want, but he was codependent.

#actor!mark #wkm #celine the seer #mayor damien #william j barnum #dilliam

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awhiskeyriver · 4 years

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PSST AMELIA (i have hit the level of comfort where i feel i can scream at you, oop) TELL ME UR BETTY THOUGHTS.... also me too, i really wanna write stories based of Taylor's songs all the time. there's a whole subset of tumblr ask game called like, taylor universes, where we personify songs and on God it's my favorite (i wish i had more swifties in my ranks or i'd host one)

LOL, you can always scream at me! Oh man, that sounds seriously so fun! I would love to personify one of her (or all of her, lol) songs and turn them into stories. She has such a vivid way of writing music it begs to be seen in story form, lol.

Okay so....you may regret asking me for my Folklore thoughts, LOL. This is long and it might make absolutely no sense to anyone other than me but I hope that’s not the case!

Obviously **I know this isn’t true and wasn’t Taylor’s point at all** I’m just a writer and things spin out of control in my head and...yeah...basically this is how I’ve managed to link (almost) all of the songs in Folklore together into one story line of James/Betty/August.

The story begins with in the song Betty, towards the end of Junior year, at the prom.

//I know where it all went wrong, your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym. I was nowhere to be found, I hate the crowds, you know that. Plus, I saw you dance with him.//

I think James has anxiety of some sort [more to come on that later] and in my mind, Betty is more charismatic, maybe even casually popular not in the core group of popular girls but very well-liked and known around the school. Editor of the school paper, ran for student president, etc. Meanwhile James is more low-key, out of the limelight, and the idea of being in such a large crowd dancing gave him anxiety which is why he said no. Seeing her dancing with someone else (even innocently), made him feel worse about himself and his insecurities as well as a little mad at her for not standing with him, but choosing to go dance with friends [‘him’] instead.

So, he left the dance early [walking home on broken cobblestones] when August sees him [when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intention. She said, James get in let’s drive. Those days turned into nights. Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.]

Personally, I think James only officially cheated on Betty once. The night of the dance with August. August is a more overtly popular; more obvious beauty that is noticed by many boys, maybe a cheerleader, etc. Many people think this popularity instantly equates with happiness, but she’s not happy, actually suffers from self esteem issues and the pressure to conform [Mirrorball: I can change everything about me to fit in]. But James doesn’t ‘oogle’ her or treat her the way typical guys she dates or fucks do, so she’s attracted to him. They kind of bring out this excitement in each other that Betty and the other guys in August’s life don’t. [Mirrorball: I’ll show you every version of yourself tonight. I’ll get you out on the floor- August can pull James out of his shell in ways that Betty can’t]. This is maybe a more “obvious” song link to make, but also how in Mirrorball it’s talked about “spinning in my highest heels love, shining just for you.” And in Cardigan, when Betty is describing August “high heels on cobblestones.”

ANYWAYS. James feels mad guilty about what happened between August and him, swears her to secrecy, but the weight of the secret weighs on him. At the end of the year, he tells Betty he thinks they should take a break over the summer, so they do. August and James continue to talk, first through platforms like Instagram, commenting on a photo or story, then it turns into constant talking, to texting, to hanging out and inevitably having more sex. For James, it’s a vice of sorts. He feels guilty, he wants to forget that feeling meanwhile August is starting to develop Feelings™. [entire song of August, obviously, but lines like “you were never mine.// your back beneath the sun, wishing I could write my name on it. ] To her, James is also developing feelings for her and wants to be with her. [I remember thinking I had you. Wanting was enough, for me it was enough.] But as the summer starts to end, things become more squirrely between the two of them, and the feeling of being James’ side piece starts to sink in more, and the more she begins to lose him, the more desperate she is to hold onto him. [August: cancel plans just in case you call and say meet me behind the mall. Illicit Affairs: Leave the perfume on the shelf that you picked out just for him so you leave no trace behind, like you don’t even exist.// A drug that only worked the first few hundred times.// what started in beautiful rooms ends in meeting in parking lots.]

It comes to a head at the end of (the month of) August, as summer is ending and the new school year is approaching when James tells August he wants to get back together with Betty and what happened between them meant nothing to him. [Betty: Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.] August is rightfully hurt, embarrassed and angry [Illicit Affairs: Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby look at this godforsaken mess that you made me. You showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else. Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby look at this idiotic fool that you made me. You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else.// And you know damn well, for you I would ruin myself a million little times. Peace: All these people think love’s for show, but I would die for you in secret. Mirrorball: When I break it’s in a million pieces.]

So, senior year begins. Betty and James gets back together. August goes back to the way she was previous to her summer with James, but truly she is broken. Can’t even look at him. The guilt and stress of August is still eating at James, but he’s trying to forge ahead with Betty and the two of them grow stronger and closer throughout the first part of the school year. August’s friend, Inez, obviously notices her downfall, but August continues to allude to “the guy she met over the summer” without saying names. One drunken night, she slips and says James, and Inez being the gossip she is is like w h a t. [Peace: Your integrity makes me seem small.// I talk with shit with my friends, it’s like I’m wasting your honor.// And you know that I’d swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches. Give you my wild, give you a child.// Give you my sunshine, give you my best. But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me.] August forgets about the conversation [she was drunk], but Inez doesn’t and can’t help herself but go to Betty and tell the rumor she heard about James fucking August. Betty, being a newspaper editor, doesn’t believe her without gathering up facts. But as she’s piecing things together, Inez’s story begins to make sense. She confronts James about it, who reluctantly admits to everything.

Betty, of course is devastated and heartbroken. The boy she trusted the most, her first love, wasn’t at all who she thought he was. [Cardigan: you drew stars around my scars, but now I’m bleeding.] And the fact that he didn’t just come clean and tell her after the first time, but continued to cover it up (and keep seeing August) is unforgivable. [Cardigan: tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy--Betty is ready to grow up, think about college, think about life, meanwhile James is clinging to the excuse that he is ‘only seventeen’ [(Betty) Would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing?], refusing to grow up and own his mistakes.

Betty breaks things off with James. James hates August thinking she did it on purpose. Betty hates them both. August kind of does too.

[August- Mad Woman: Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy and when you say I get angry, I get more angry.]

[Betty- Cardigan: A friend to all is a friend to none, chase two girls lose the one.//When you are young they assume you know nothing.]

After months of being broken up, James is still not over Betty and tries one last time to win her back at her graduation party before she leaves for college. [Betty, I’m here on your doorstep and I planned it out for weeks now but it’s finally sinking in. Betty right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when I see your face again. The only thing I want to do is make it up to you. So I showed up at your party]. The end of the song, where he’s talking about kissing in her car again, etc is him building their makeup up in his mind, psyching himself up for confronting her because he thinks it will all pay off.

Betty is shocked to see him, as is everyone else at the party, they’d become something of a spectacle, she brings him outside in the garden to talk in privacy without everyone interjecting or staring. Jame’s apology comes in ‘This is me trying’ where he’s trying to explain his actions more logically than placing blame on everyone and everything else, from Betty. [I don’t quite know what to say, but I’m here in your doorway. // They told me all of my cages were mental (the fact that he has anxiety, etc) so I got wasted like all my potential//pouring my heart out to a stranger, but I didn’t pour the whiskey (his and August’s first encounter/cheating incident after Prom). But “this is him trying, at least he’s trying...it’s hard to be at a party when [he] feels like an open wound” and quite honestly, “it’s hard [for him] to be anything these days when all [he] wants is [Betty]. It’s a great apology, he wears his heart on his sleeve, but Betty doesn’t want to fix things between him, she wants to move on. It was too difficult for her to get over him once, she can’t open herself up to trusting him again. [Cardigan: I knew you’d linger like a tattooed kiss, I knew you’d haunt all of my what ifs.// I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired, and you’d be standing in my front porch light.]

Betty leaves for college.

A few years away in college has caused some healing for Betty and some insight into life outside of her small town and high school boyfriend [The One: If you never bleed you’re never going to grow, but it’s alright now]. But when she’s talking with her mom and something comes up about James, thoughts and feeling she hasn’t felt in years come racing back. She can’t help but wonder how things might’ve turned out if things didn’t end how they did because as much as she hates to admit it, she’ll always love James in some way. [We were something, don’t you think so?// if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you.// it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one.// I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different (if he hadn’t slept with August) would everything be different today?.// You know the greatest films of all time were never made.] [My Tears Ricochet: And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want just not home. And you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones.]

***Now, things get a little more dicey here not as tight, lol but bear with me***

Betty comes home after graduation from college and runs into James. They’re cordial and nice and when James asks if they can get dinner and catch up, Betty agrees. They have a good evening, reconnect a little, but when they go riding and drive to some familiar places from their childhood, past hard conversations re-arise. It brings a lot of unwelcomed emotions back up in Betty, and she realizes it’s harder than she thought it would be to forgive James. [The One: the greatest films of all time were never made. Exile: I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending.] Meanwhile, James just wants to forgive and forget the past, after all, they were kids, only seventeen. His hurt comes from the fact that after he tried to patch things up after graduation, not only did Betty dismiss him and leave, but she never reached out or spoke to him again. [Exile: It took you five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me with it. Holding all this love out here in the hall.] He came to the front porch/door to try and fix things with her, and she “left out the side door.”

Betty [My Tears Ricochet: Even on my worst day, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me? Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day. // And I still talk to you (while I’m screaming at the sky) and when you can’t sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)// Hoax: My twisted knife, my sleepless night, my winless fight this has frozen my ground.]

Hoax is where things come to a head with Betty and James. [Stood on the cliffside screaming, “Give me a reason. Your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in. // You knew it still hurts underneath my scars, from when they pulled me apart. But what you did was just dark.]

Mad Woman continues as August finds out that Betty and James get back together, and cannot get over it. She never got over James either. Only her sadness turns to anger. [Now I breathe flames each time I talk. // They say “move on” but you know I won’t.// It’s obvious that wanting me dead has really brought you two together.]

Invisible String comes when Betty and James are in a stable, happy place in their relationship again. Possibly engaged for marriage. [Time, mystical time, cutting me open then healing me fine.// Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire. Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons. One single thread of gold tied me to you.// Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.]

And, I like to think that August did eventually move on and found someone who appreciates her and truly loves her, isn’t just using her for revenge, or because she’s hot, or because they’re trying to forget their own problems. But someone who actually values her for herself. (Invisible String: Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart. Now I send their babies presents.)

AGAIN, this is obviously just my own theory/fun. Not meant to be taken seriously. Hope you enjoyed!

#archersandsunsets #i am exhausted now lmao #folklore #t swift #song analysis #writing

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lestered · 4 years

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Yesterday you said you dislike how people treat Dan just like with Phil but for different reasons, could you expand on that? I'm new so I'm sorry if you've already talked about it in which case you can just ignore this.

sure, i can try! i might’ve talked about this before but probably not for a while, so i’ll try to summarise it as best i can. i think the phandom has issues treating dan like a human being, just like they have issues treating phil like a human being. it’s just that with phil it’s more about imagining him as a complex individual, and with dan it’s more like objectification. that might not be the best word choice but again, i’ll try and explain (under the cut because ofc i ended up rambling again)

people have always been far more invasive towards dan than they have towards phil. they have a habit of picking apart his sexuality, gender identity, mental and physical health, family life, etc. with a fine-tooth comb.

gender and sexuality-wise, i don’t just mean insisting that he was gay back when he was presenting as straight. even after coming out, people have continued to debate his sexuality and gender, despite him pretty clearly saying “i identify as gay/queer and i’m comfortable identifying as a man in my male body.” continuing to debate that after the fact is really disrespectful and like, the opposite of the point he was trying to make with that coming out video in the first place.

mental and physical health wise: some people tend to hyperfocus on his body - his complexion, the bags under his eyes, if they think he’s gained or lost weight, etc. - and not only are they overly critical of that, they’ll then begin to make assumptions about how it ties into his mental health, assuming he’s more depressed for any of the above reasons. they’ll also imagine he’s going through a depressive episode any time he’s inactive, even though it’s pretty clear that inactive on social media =/= mental health crisis. he’s proven that already. or they’ll read too far into anything he does say, especially refusing to take jokes at face value. self deprecating humor can be a mechanism for dealing with low self esteem, yes, but it’s not always that deep. anyway, imagine someone analysing your body and brain like that closely all the time. that’s super uncomfortable.

family wise, there tends to be a lot of speculation around dan’s relationship with his mother and brother, past relationship with his father, his parents’ relationship, his family’s financial situation when he was younger - stuff that’s really no one’s business but theirs. like, there used to be a bunch of reposted videos where he mentioned his family’s financial situation and a bunch of those videos were copyright claimed by him, which should be enough of a message to stop doing that. there was that entire mess with adrian in 2012, and even now (that he’s Finally come back to the internet) some people follow him just on the off chance that they might get to see or hear something about dan. which isn’t outright bad behavior, it’s more just like... kinda confusing.

he’s also way oversexualised. not just in the sense of people deriving sexual pleasure from him and generally oversexualising his body, though that’s part of it. his existence itself is also oversexualised. note how when there’s #phandivorce (lol) discourse, people are always pointing to dan’s social media interactions with other gay men (like miss benny) and accusing him of cheating. the same thing used to happen before he came out, except it was with women (like cat.) note how the conspiracies about phil were always about him having a secret wife or girlfriend, but with dan the conspiracies tend to be more about casual sex and illicit affairs. that’s a problem.

the final point i’ll make isn’t about objectification but more about sensationalizing. people have incredibly high expectations of him. they look at him as some kind of tortured genius when really he’s just a guy (a guy with depression, but still, A Guy) who wants to be an entertainer. it worsens when he’s inactive, because that leaves more room for theories to run wild and people go crazy wanting what they can’t have (at the moment, anyway.) but, yeah. basically, the phandom has trouble treating dan like a regular person, just like with phil. they’re just kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum, if that makes sense.

#discourse #anon #ask

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hermionegranger56 · 4 years

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ok lads its time for my breakdown of folklore, something absolutely no one is asking for but here we are!! this album. thIs ALBUMMMM. dear GOD. the intersection of my two favorite things, taylor swift and indie folk???? i feel like i’m dreaming. when she announced the surprise drop i literally burst into tears and evidently for good reason lol.

anywho here’s the thing. Red has been my all time favorite album for 8 years now. it holds such an important place in my life and i never thought anything she did could come close (though Lover almost did). but this. THIS IS BETTER THAN RED

the lyrical genius is unmatched here. taylor isn’t just writing songs here, this is POETRY. every song is nuanced, intricate, devastatingly beautiful, with words that’ll haunt me for a long time. and the fact that it’s stories, literal folklore, no longer just about her own life is incredibly creative and is executed so well for someone who has interwoven her life into her entire body of music thus far. folklore blends facts with fiction so seamlessly and is a true exhibition of taylor’s power as a songwriter.

and the vibessss!! from haunting heartbreak songs, to ethereal lost-in-the-woods vibes, to a comforting return to her old self, this album has everything. taylor is without a doubt one of the most versatile artists of our generation, having success and skill in multiple genres and folklore only solidifies this fact.

ALL RIGHT KIDS LETS JUMP IN

the 1: hell yeah explicit tswift give it to me lol you ARE on some new shit!! ok when i first listened to this i hadn’t read her statement about the other perspectives and i was about to RIOT about her and joe breaking up (like they could ever lol). this is such a catchy beat, such a casual?? look at such a painful feeling? a really good start to this album. the part where she goes another day waking up aLONE killlllllls me wow

fave lines: “in my defense i have none/for never leaving well enough alone”

cardigan: (don’t get me started on the mv it’s gorgeous) YES THE TEENAGE LOVE TRIANGLE suchhh a good concept!! the melody of this song is unreal, the chorus makes me want to scream it’s so beautiful, the i-i-i is SOMETHING ELSE. it’s crazy how just the melody makes betty’s pain so palpable, but so enchanting at the same time. it’s bittersweet and cinematic and i’m in love. PETER LOSING WENDY GOD. easily top 5 song here

fave lines: “when you are young they assume you know nothing”, “cause i knew you/ heartbeat on the high line/ once in 20 lifetimes i” “you drew stars around my scars/but now i’m bleeding”

the last great american dynasty: watch hill!!! her watch hill house!! i live near there!! oh i think this song is so clever and i love how it ties into mad woman as well as harkens back to starlight. i LOVE the way she ties her self in, “and then it was bought by me” like ughhh her mind? and its catchy AF

fave lines: “i had a marvelous time ruining everything”

exile: YOU KNOW HOW TO DO AN INDIE ALBUM??? BRING BON IVER INTO THIS SHIT!! wowww this song is haunting and is definitely the “i’m you but stronger” version of The Last Time. the overlap of both of them singing and their parallel lines are flawless. i could play this on repeat for hours and contemplate my whole existence

fave lines: “you never gave a warning sign/i gave so many signs”

my tears ricochet: ok somehow a track 5 with tears in the title is not the saddest song here but DAMN is it good. I love the visual of someone watching over their funeral and reacting. the music is stunningggg here. ALSO i am pretty convinced this is about the whole scott/scooter drama, like the lyrics fit so well? and she said it was the first song she wrote so the timeline kinda fits?? geniusss

fave lines: “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace”, “and if i’m dead to you/why are you at the wake?”

mirrorball: ohhhh this one is so pretty!! it just makes me want to dance around the kitchen with the person i love??? its comforting, ethereal, happyyy ugh i love it. I also think it could be about her relationship with her fans? like her music shows us different sides of ourselves idk? or just absorbing into a relationship?

fave lines: “on my tallest tiptoes/shining just for you”

seven: i’m gonna call this now: this is going to be the most underrated song on this album. it is STUNNING. POETIC. HEARTBREAKING. the music is so hauntingly nostalgic. and the lyrics, holy absolute shit. they’re a delicate testament to childhood, memory, and innocent love. it’s gut wrenching and i love it so so much

fave lines: “i’ve been meaning to tell you/i think your house is haunted/your dad is always mad/and that must be why”, “and just like folk song/our love will be passed on”, “before i learned civility/ i used to scream ferociously” ALL OF IT

august: and now we get the girl james cheated with’s perspective, which i think is great. its sunny, wistful and sad underneath all that beautiful production. when she slides from the chorus to the “back when we we’re changing for the better” and hits that “mineeee to lose” GOD, it just fills your chest. i feel like even if you never have, this makes anyone feel like they know exactly what a summer fling feels like. one of my faves

fave lines: “august slipped away/like a bottle of wine”, “cancel my plans just in case you call/ and say meet me behind the mall”

this is me trying: the slow pacing of this melody serves to show these EXQUISITE lyrics here. this is so intimate and personal and i feel like everyone can relate to this feeling of just trying to hold on and put on a brave face?

fave lines: “they told me all of my cages were mental/ so i got wasted like all my potential”

illicit affairs: ok all you need to know about this one is a) I’m obsessed b) this is the closest she has come to creating a bridge that makes me feel like the All Too Well bridge has, like scream sobbing in the car type vibe??? its unreal. and this song makes me feel that shitty feeling of: “this was supposed to be casual but oops its very much not” hmmm maybe that’s where the scream sobbing comes from hahah

fave lines: “don’t call me kid/don’t call me baby/look at this godforsaken mess that you made me/you showed me colors you know i can’t see with anyone else”

invisible string: this. THIS is probably her most stunning love song. like. i thought it was Lover. i was wrong. this one is confidently from Taylor’s perspective, about Joe and dear lord i want a love like theirs. and shit does this song put the folk in folklore, the music is so simple and gorgeous and harkens back to her country roots without losing this new sound she has. and the first few notes remind me of Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens so instantly im sold. this and betty are tied for my number 1, it’s just too beautiful

fave lines: “time curious time/give me no compasses/give me no signs” “isn’t it just so pretty to think/all along there was some invisible string/tying you to me”, “cold was steel of the axe that i had to grind/for the boys who broke my heart/now i buy their babies presents”, “hell was the journey/but it brought me heaven”

mad woman: FUCK YOU FOREVERRRRRR!!! yes taylor said fuckkkk ugh i LOVE this vibe, the revenge of the mad woman that the town cast out is so eerie and powerful, i’m obsessed. it ties back into the maddest woman of TLGAD and it feels like a spiritual sequel to The Man, the same feminist thread weaving through it. the lyrics are razor sharp and biting, i love it

fave lines: “and you poke that bear/till the claws come out/ and you find something/ to wrap your noose around”, “it’s obvious wanting me dead has really brought you two together”

epiphany: so uhhh THIS is the saddest song on folklore. fight me. the seamless comparison between wartime and the pandemic and waiting for some epiphany that could make sense of all the horrors surrounding the both. idk man, as someone who’s been a covid nurse since March, i just….this one HURTS. similar to Soon You’ll Get Better tbh

fave lines: “hold your hand through plastic now/doc i think she’s crashing out/and somethings you just can’t speak about”

betty: OH I LOVE IT WITH MY WHOLE HEART! this is such a TRIUMPHANT return to old taylor, it is so joyful but sad at the same time?? the harmonica?? the last part of the love triangle?? it sounds like Taylor Swift and Fearless all grown up and it makes me ache for back then, but love where we are right now. tbh the first time i heard this i sobbed through the whole thing just out of pure nostalgia. she’s back but at the same time she never left. this feels like a love song to original fans and it. is. incredible. my favoriteeee goddd

fave lines: THE WHOLE CHORUS BABYYYYY

peace: it’s gorgeous, especially the guitarrr ugh. this feels like delicate’s quiet older sister. i think it’s definitely about joe and how taylor, despite loving him, still has these insecurities and fears about what a relationship with someone in her position could be like? like there will be struggles, but he’s her family and she “would die for you in secret”. stunning

fave lines: “i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm”, “the devils in the detail/but you’ve got a friend in me”, “give you my wild/give you a child”

hoax: i’m surprised she ended it on a sad one (but we still have the lakes!!) but this song is hauntingly beautiful WOW. every line of this absolutely floors me. i think this one will also be largely underrated, but it is pure poetry and deserves so so much hype

fave lines: “stood on the cliffside/screaming give me a reason/your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in”, “it still hurts underneath my scars/from when they pulled me apart/but what you did was just as dark” “my kingdom come undone/ my broken drum/ you have beaten my heart”

ANYWHO TAYLOR HAS PRODUCED HER BEST WORK TO DATE AND IM READY FOR SAD GIRL AUTUMN

#taylor swift #folklore #tswift #folklore the album #taylor swift folklore #ts8 folklore #folklore era #betty #august #cardigan #exile

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jenniferdong23 · 4 years

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Folklore

Some of my thoughts and interpretations on folklore 💖:

1. the 1: I think this is a beautfiul opening track and it talks about reminiscing about a lost love, sort of like the one that got away. My fave lines: "But we were something don't you think so." (WHEN SHE SAYS THIS I'M IN LOVE). I also really love, "We never painted by the numbers baby, but we were making it count." Knowing how much Taylor loves counting (eg. in So It Goes, "1,2,3" and not to mention all her countdowns), I’m not surprised ahaha.

2. cardigan: I'm guessing this is a part of the love triangle. This is probably told from Betty's POV ("chase two girls, lose the one"). Cardigan just gives me Great Gatsby vibes and I love it. This is the kind of song that you just want to listen to on a long drive and one of my fave lines: "When you are young, they assume you know nothing," which isn't true because age doesn't necessarily define maturity. ALSO, when Taylor sings, “I knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs” LIKE HOW DOES ONE COME UP WITH THIS. GENIUS.

3. the last great american dynasty: This song is eerily similar to 'The Lucky One' but this time, Taylor talks about the previous owner of her Rhode Island house, "Rebekah." The last great american dynasty is also the perfect lead to ‘mad woman’. My favourite line, "Flew in all her Bitch Pack friends from the city," and Taylor is talking about Rebekah here but I can't help but think about how Taylor could be talking about some of her ex-friends (but now we know who all our real friends are!!)

4. exile: PHEW. This is probably one of my favourites since it gives me 'The Last Time' vibes and y'all know how much I love that song. Bon Iver and Taylor's voices just blend soooooo well together here eeeeeek. Exile sort of talks about the peak of a break-up ("so step right out"). My fave line is prob: "I think I've seen this film before, and I didn't like the ending," and it just resonates within me so much.

5. my tears ricochet: TRACK 5!! Taylor's track 5 songs always makes me cry and even though I could be ugly sobbing, it's still so calming??? I think it's talking about a love story here but something makes me think that there's much more. My fave line is prob: "You wear the same jewels that I gave you as you bury me" and "I didn't have it in myself to go with grace" could talk about her struggles with BML and retaining her songs back. Also, "And you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones" WOW WOW WOW. When it goes, “You can hear my silent lullabies,” the lullabies could be Taylor’s old songs because she isn’t able to sing them anymore :(((((

6. mirrorball: I personally really love how upbeat and sparkly this is. It sounds like something you would play while biking in the sunset by the pier. My fave line, "You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes, spinning in my highest heels, love, shining just for you." Middle/high school dance vibes anyone?? It's the perfect lullaby and it's so nice and dreamy!!!

7. seven: WOW. I think this may be sparked by some of Taylor's personal experiences. My fave line: "Before I learned civility, I used to scream ferociously," and I can't help but feel like Taylor is talking about how she found the love she's always dreamt of (THANK YOU JOE).

8. august: OMG. THIS SONG MAKES MY HEART CLENCH. THIS WILL ALWAYS BE A FAVE. I'm pretty sure this is told in the POV of the woman James cheated on Betty with that one summer. But it's beautiful on its own without the whole love triangle yenno? I think one reason why I'm so stuck on this love triangle is because it also focuses on "the other woman". She (the other woman) knew that (James) was "never hers to lose." There isn't a clear villain here and that's life, it's not always black and white. "Remember when I pulled up and said, 'Get in the car'," alludes to ‘betty’. I've never personally liked love triangles but Taylor has reinvented them & it's refreshing in these songs. My other fave line is, "August sipped away like a bottle of wine cause you were never mine." *cue the sobbing*

9. this is me trying: I LOVE THIS SONG TOO. So relatable (my struggles with school ahaha). It also gives me 'Back To December' vibes and similarly to the 'Back To December' video, this is me trying's lyric video also has the big white screen as in the football field in Back To December. My fave line is: "And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound," AND UM THE MOMENT I KNEW VIBES ANYONE???

10. illicit affairs: PHEW OK. THERE'S A LOT HERE. The whole story is really an illicit affair. At first, I thought this was also a part of the love triangle but Taylor said there were 3 songs that alludes to a love triangle so I scratched that thought out. I love the guitar here and the magical feeling it emits. One of my fave lines, "a dwindling mercurial high," THAT HIGH NOTE AT “HIGH”. TAYLOR ENDED ME. Near the end of the song, "You showed me colours you know I can't see with anyone else," really screams "you left an indentation on me" and permanent marks. Taylor really dived into this song and I'm here for it. THIS SONG IS JUST A LYRICAL MASTERPEICE.

11. invisible string: *JOE JOE JOE JOE* This is basically about Joe right?? All the lines here are amazing but the LYRIC VIDEO. It's a video of clouds but it describes how Taylor feels being with Joe: heavenly and sort of like on cloud 9. My fave line is prob: "String that pulled me out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar" AND WE KNOW THAT DELICATE HAS, "dive bar on the east side where you at." IT WAS MEANT TO BE TAYLOR AND JOE ALWYN ALL ALONG. PERIODT.

12. mad woman: This is the sequel to ‘The Man’. Taylor snapped here and she really just cast a spell on me. All her life, Taylor has been criticized for every little thing that any other person not in the spotlight wouldn't be criticized about. This track perfectly describes it. My fave line: "Women like hunting witches too, doing your dirtiest work for you." This line turns the narrative around and just, YOU GO TAYLOR. Not to mention when she curses here, LOVE IT.

13. epiphany: I think this is about Taylor's grandfather but it could apply to any veteran. It talks about a soldier during their last moments. My heart is breaking. Taylor's vocals here *chef's kisses* It could be about seeing a loved one in their last moments and I'm ugly crying but Taylor, thank you for this song.

14. betty: BETTY OH BETTY. James, how could you. It's the last song in the love triangle and it's in James' POV. Automatically, I get 'Stay Stay Stay' vibes. I LOVE THE HARMONICAS. It's like a fun and upbeat song but also sad??? Betty goes to show how great of a storyteller Taylor always is. The story flows perfectly and UGH MY HEART, I'M HOOKED. And she drops the f- word here too hehe. Also, "Like a figment of my worst intentions," WHEW. It's a nice song to sway too and this is one of my faves!!!

15. peace: OK THERE'S SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE TOO. SO MANY CLUES. It talks about Taylor and how she's scared her demons will catch up to Joe. "But you got a friend in me," relates to INTHAF. When she said, "Give you a child," I SCREAMED. NOT TO MENTION, "clowns in the WEST" BAHAHAHA I'M CACKLING. It may not always be peaceful in Taylor's life but I'm glad she has someone like Joe (the true MVP honestly).

16. hoax: LAST SONG NOOOO. I love how, "Don't want no other shade of blue but you," has so many interpretations and at first I thought it was about Joe ("deep blue but you painted me golden"), but I'm starting to think it's more about Taylor fighting back for her songs. "From when they pulled me apart," just kind of confirms about Taylor's fight for ownership of her music. It could be alluding to how the *scooters* are hoaxes and how they did her dirty. It's the perfect last track and the whole folklore album is beautiful.

Overall, @taylorswift, I think you did an AN AMAZING JOB AS ALWAYS. Thank you for sharing your stories for us and I’ll be passing on these stories to all my friends hehe. I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND TO SATURN TAYLOR!!!!! 💕⭐🌟 @taylornation

#folklore #folkloreoutnow #taylorswift #taylurking

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lovehugsandcandy · 5 years

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kiss me heavy heavy ('cuz you know we ain’t done yet) (Colt x MC, RoD)

A/N: Title (and more herein) is a riff from Here with Me by Elina. For Choices September Challenge, Day 27 (barely made it whew), and the prompt was Family.

Pairing: Colt x MC, references to past Logan x MC

Rating: R (swearing, injuries, suggestiveness, drinking in excess and being furiously hungover)

Length: ~13,000 words (way way way too long and I apologize)

Summary: Ellie and Colt’s family breaks apart; Ellie and Colt’s family comes together.

When Colt broke his arm, he was 7. He had figured out how to work the lift in the shop. He had figured out when everyone went to lunch. And he had figured out how to fly, how to leap from heights and love the weightlessness in his stomach as his legs kicked out into thin air. But he had not yet figured out how to climb a hydraulic lift. When he fell, instead of the graceful landing he was expecting, he slammed into the harsh concrete, nowhere near as forgiving as the clear water of the Pacific. He shattered his ulna but, even worse, it was the start of the arguments between his parents about his trips to the cliff with his dad. Those trips became less frequent, the screaming fights became more, and then they moved, far from the shop and the cliff and the concrete floor that earned him his first cast.

When Ellie broke her arm, she was 12. She was scared; she had never been in a car accident before and the shattering of glass and sudden sharp pain made her cry, heaping sobs that her mom wiped from her face with careful hands while the paramedics poked and prodded. She was even more scared after, when the trip to the hospital revealed something was seriously wrong with her mother, and terrified for the following year, until it was only her and her dad and his fear of the entire world.

When their daughter broke her arm, she had just turned 5 and it was the end of the end and the beginning of the beginning.

~~~~~

"Please, Logan. I wouldn't ask if it weren't important. "

She heard his heavy sigh over the phone. "I can move things around. I'll be there. But Ellie?"

"Yeah?"

Logan's cautious tone interrupted her internal fist bump. "Why is this so important?"

"Because...because Colt asked if he could bring someone."

"Ellie..."

"I just..." She dropped her eyes, darting through the crowd, phone pressed to her ear so hard she thought she was getting a headache. But maybe it was this whole situation making her jaw tense and temples throb. "I just....I don’t want to go alone while he’s there with a new girlfriend."

"There is no way in hell Colt has a girlfriend."

"He asked if we needed tickets for a freaking dance recital." She thought back to the awkward conversation, stilted and strange, when she was distracted in her kitchen and he was miles across town, always too far.

“I thought we actually did need tickets?”

“Not because it’s gonna sell out!” Ellie had to stop talking with her hands, her flailing accidentally hitting the person next to her. She mouthed an apology to the dour woman to her left and walked faster. “Because it’s a money-making racket where they want you to pay for a ticket and the photos and a freaking video of the thing.”

“This is sounding less appealing by the second.”

"Logan, please? He said he wanted to bring someone and I don’t think I can-” She bit her lip, thinking. It had taken them an excruciatingly long two years to get to this point. After the furious phone call and months of silence, it had taken Colt almost a year to thaw, to actually interact with her beyond the scheduling and logistical communication required in co-parenting their daughter, and then months after that to actually stop speaking in clipped words and bitter tones. Slowly, so slowly, they made their way back to something that flowed and worked but, sometimes, when the three of them grabbed dinner or when she caught his eye at a school event, sometimes she thought they were edging their way to something more, to something old, to something that felt like the last two years had been a nightmare that Ellie was ready to wake up from. His new girlfriend definitely proved that those hopes were all in Ellie’s imagination. “I don’t think I can do it alone."

"Maybe it's his mom."

"She’s still at that conference in Miami." So what if she cut Colt off before he could even explain? She couldn't reasonably expect to sit there while Colt was asking if his new girl could attend their daughter's dance recital. Urgh. That asshole. “Oh my God. Do you think he’s gonna bring her to Kira’s birthday party too?”

“Ellie, he has the personality of a sociopath and the social ability of a troll. He's single.”

Ellie had to smile. Logan had always been in her corner. While Ximena, Toby, and Mona had their loyalties tested in the breakup, Logan had always had her back. He was her rock and, for a while, they tried to be more, when Colt was gone and Ellie was miserable and terrified and needed someone, but it had never quite worked out. Thankfully, they had managed to to remain thick as the thieves they used to be. "He’s also the father of my child, Logan.”

"And I'm so glad she takes after you."

"Ha ha.” Kira definitely took after her in a lot of ways; like Ellie, she worked hard and had an innate kindness about her that made care for her classmates and call her grandfather every night. But she also had a stubborn streak, an insistence on getting her way that was reminiscent of Colt, along with the smart mouth and an innate confidence that could only be from her father. She even looked like Colt, all thick black hair and deep brown eyes and constantly smirking lips. “Ok, Logan, I'm back at work."

"Alright, fine, see you Saturday?"

"Of course. And thank you, Logan."

Ellie hung up the phone and strode through the lobby, flashing her badge and giving a wave to the receptionist before taking the elevator to her desk and slinking into her seat. She had a major presentation next week, in front of the CEO of the entire company, and she was panicking. As she logged into her computer, she knew she had no time to worry about her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and her broken family and a dance recital that she was decidedly not looking forward to; she had work to do.

~~~~~

Before (before, in the very beginning, when things were amazing...)

Ellie rubbed her growing stomach with one hand and bit at the fingernails of her other hand, considering. It wasn't that Ellie was worried, per se; Colt loved her with a single minded devotion that took her breath away, an intensity that made her weak in the best of moments and absolutely destroyed in the worst.

It's just that he wouldn't put down his phone, eyes on the screen at every spare moment. She didn't think he was cheating on her; with the crew and the shop, he lacked the free time needed for an illicit affair. But she just didn't know what else it could be.

And when she asked what he was doing, he would slide his phone away, almost bashful, revealing nothing. It piqued her curiosity and she couldn't, wouldn't leave it alone.

This time, when he threw his phone on the bed and left the room to take a shower, this time, she resolved to find out. She waited until she heard the water running and then reached for it, getting through the lock screen immediately. (Eight numeric digits? Easy. She only needed one guess.)

She looked through the messages (unsurprisingly, mostly to her), the calls (again, mostly her, though the pizza place by the shop was a close second), and finally hit pay dirt when she opened the browser, multiple tabs calling for her attention.

The first looked like a textbook, long words and citations everywhere; it wasn’t until she saw the first image, a chart with weeks and produce arranged in a confusing display, that she realized what it was. A baby book?

The second tab was similarly confusing. ‘Abigail, Amelia, Audrey...’ It, again, took her a minute to realize that it was a list baby names in alphabetical order. She blinked, barely hearing the water turn off.

Her mouth was open when he walked in the room. “Colt?”

“Yeah?”

“Is this...” Her voice caught. “Are you reading a baby book on your phone?”

“Uhhh....yeah?” He ran a towel through his hair and shrugged.

“And baby names?”

“Yeah?”

“I...” She blinked up at him, watching a water droplet slide down the side of his face. “I didn’t know that.”

"Well, I don’t have much experience with kids, you know. I don’t want to fuck it up."

She could feel tears starting to form, her happiness emerging as water from her eyes. Damn hormones. "Colt...." She pulled him to sit on the bed next to her. "You are gonna be a great dad. Really."

He just looked at her, taking in the weepy eyes and the pouting frown, and pulled her into a hug, grazing soft kisses across her brow. “I...I don’t wanna be my dad.”

“You won’t. Oh my God, Colt, you won’t.” She knew how worried he was about this, how the torn relationship with his father was never truly repaired before Kaneko’s fiery death. But she wasn’t worried, confident in every way that Colt would rise to the challenge, like he did in every other aspect of their life. She pulled him closer for a lingering kiss, trying to transmit some of her confidence through her lips; he deepened the kiss, hand falling to her waist to thumb the soft skin there, a moan catching in his throat.

He pulled back to curve careful fingers around her face. "I wish you had the baby already."

"Why?" She put her hand over her stomach, still insecure about the curve forming, unfamiliar and new and alien to her.

He slid his hands over hers, then up, further, teasing the soft skin underneath her breasts. "Cuz I'd give you another baby right now."

"Some if the stuff you say is not sexy." Still, she shivered and his hands slid higher.

"Then why are you taking my clothes off right now?" She looked down to where her hands were clutched in his t-shirt, moving of their own accord to get closer to the skin and muscle underneath.

She opened her mouth and closed it again. "You're damn lucky you're cute "

His eyes softened. "I'm just damn lucky."

~~~~~

Now (when things aren’t great but things are fine and things aren’t good but time flies on...)

The conversation with Logan was still fresh in her mind, even over a few days of life and logistics and thinking thinking thinking, when she slid into the chair with a sigh. “Riya, I am tired.” The large coffee cup in a death grip in her hand was proof of that. She had been busy, working as much as she could in order to make sure the most important meeting of her career would go off without a hitch. Thankfully, she and Colt had a fixed schedule, so she could work late some evenings while Colt had Kira and Ellie tried to put her fractured family in the back of her mind. “I have been working 24/7 and have to go to this stupid recital tomorrow where my stupid ex will bring his stupid new girlfriend and I just want a nap.”

Riya only laughed. “I can tell.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to vent as soon as I sat down. How are you?”

“I’m good!” Riya smoothed down her shirt and leaned forward conspiratorially. “But, you know, I would say that being so miffed about Colt’s date is a sign that-”

Ellie’s hand moved fast to whack Riya, a loving slap against her arm. “Stop it. I don’t want to hear it from you.”

“Ok, but I am just saying that, if you were as over him as you swore you were, you wouldn’t care if-”

“Riya!”

“Fine, fine, fine. In other news, I’m excited for the birthday party!”

“Urgh, I can’t believe it’s next weekend. You’re coming, right?”

“You know it. You wanted me to bring an appetizer?”

“That would be amazing.” Ellie sighed as the warm coffee hit her tongue, making its way down her throat. “You are a godsend, you know that?”

“I know, but it doesn’t hurt to hear you say it.” Riya flashed a smile but it fell as she glanced behind Ellie.

“What? What is it?”

Riya’s eyes widened. “Ummm....speaking of your ex...”

Ellie sucked in a breath; she knew it was a possibility, knew it was a risk coming here since the garage was so close to Riya’s work, but it was her turn to make the trek across town. They hadn’t spoken since he asked about the recital, their only communication being quick text messages, all functional, logistical, formal.

“And it looks like he’s here with someone,” Riya continued.

Ellie was unable to stop the chair from spinning, turning to catch a glimpse. It was Colt, leather jacket and all, looking uncomfortable, hands stuffed in his pockets. And he was here with someone, tiny brunette next to him talking up a storm as they waited in line.

“She looks like a freaking teenager.” Ellie spun back in her seat to drop her cup on the table.

Even Riya looked incredulous. “Is he on a date?”

Ellie’s breath caught as she turned again to watch them. The girl was pretty, hands flying around as she barely stopped to breathe, clearly and emphatically in the middle of some epic tale.

“Oh, I’m gonna find out.” Ellie stood and, taking a deep breath to center herself, strode over to the pair. The girl saw her first, glancing around in confusion; she looked younger than Ellie originally thought and the flash of red lipstick did nothing to age her. “Hi, Colt.”

He turned, eyes widening before quickly schooling his expression to neutral. “Hi, Ellie.”

“So....what are you doing here?”

He raised an eyebrow before tilting his head towards the front of the shop. “Getting coffee?”

“Yeah...” She tried to shoot a significant look at the girl, but Colt ignored it. “That is what one does here. I’m here with Riya.”

Colt looked back and gave her best friend a small wave, hands settling back in his pockets as he studied Ellie. “Ok...”

She waited, but no introduction was forthcoming. Well then. “Who’s your friend?”

He blinked. “Ellie, this is Sam. Sam, this is Ellie. Kira’s mom.”

“Oh my God, Kiki?!? She is so adorable!” Ellie froze, staring at the girl. Apparently, Sam had met Kira and apparently, Sam knew her well enough to call her by her nickname.

“Ah, thank you.” She tried to get her bearings back and failed, just staring at her, taking in the hair that flew about her face as she spoke, the innocence shining in her eyes. She reminded Ellie a little of herself, once upon a time, and the thought made something twist deep in her heart.

“We were making origami flowers together the other day and she said that she was the flower princess but then she tried to put the flowers in a muffler so then we had to get pizza and Kira doesn’t like pepperoni so-”

Ellie blinked, dumbfounded. Who in the world-?

“Next!”

And, thankfully, the story was interrupted by the barista, calling for the pair to step forward.

“Ok...” Ellie looked between the two, jaw dropped. “Well, so nice to meet you. Colt, I’ll see you at the recital tomorrow, right?”

“Yep.”

Ellie slunk back to the table and dropped into her seat. “That was a fail.”

“What happened? Who is she?”

“Her name is Sam.”

“And?”

Ellie sighed, heavy through her nose. “Dunno but she’s met Kira.”

“Whoa.” Riya’s eyes widened. She knew what a big deal that was. Colt still hated all people outside of a core, select group of people that Ellie had once been a part of, as tightly encased there as she had been in his arms. So for someone new to be introduced to his daughter? Ellie hazarded a glace behind her, where Colt was paying for both of their drinks.

“Yeah.”

“You think she’s the girl he’s bringing to the recital?”

Ellie put her head in her hands. “I don’t know.”

The answer to that question came far too quickly for Ellie’s liking. The next day she found herself fidgeting in the cheap cramped seats of a local auditorium, toes tapping a quick beat on the floor of the auditorium as her whole leg jiggled.

“Why are you so nervous? And when does this start?” Logan shifted next to her, trying to move away from the elderly woman on his left who kept glancing over as if she were going to try and pinch his cheek. “This is awful.”

“I know. Thank you for coming.” Ellie knew how atrocious this was. And Logan wasn’t even the one who had to slick Kira’s wild hair into a semblance of a braid. “It should start soon.”

Movement to her right made her look up, relief painting her face as Colt squeezed through the row. And behind him?

“Hi, sweetie!” Ximena pushed Colt to the side to pull Ellie into a huge hug. “Thanks for letting me come! I’m so excited to see Kira dance.”

Elllie let out the breath lodged behind her collarbone. “Ximena! X, I didn’t know you were coming!”

“Of course, wouldn’t miss it! Hi, Logan!”

Colt’s face hardened, eyes glowering as he stared Logan down, barely giving him a nod before plopping into the seat next to Ellie. “When’s her first dance?” Colt and Logan had never had the best relationship but, since Colt was back, she felt like she was in the middle of a war zone and one wrong move would detonate a grenade.

“Fourth one.” Ellie said and fished out the program from under her chair. “First the teachers, then the actual dancers, some older kids, then her class.”

He nodded, staring straight ahead at the empty stage. “Why’s Logan here?”

Her stomach dropped. It seemed silly now. “He wanted to see Kira dance. Why’s X here?” The lights flickered above them, signalling that the show was going to start, the shadows flickering over his scowl.

“Same reason.” He crossed his hands over his chest with a huff; it looked like he wanted to say more but bit his tongue. Ellie studied him out of the corner of her eye. “How long is this going to be?”

She rolled her eyes. “Buckle up cuz you’re here for hours.”

“Are we going out after this?”

“Kira said she wanted to get ice cream at the beach.”

“Does he have to come?”

Ellie’s elbow shot out before she could stop it. “Come on.”

“Shhh!” The woman behind them leaned forward in her seat as the tinny tinkle of piano started from the speakers. “It’s starting.”

Ellie grinned apologetically, Colt just huffed and sank lower in his seat. “God forbid we miss a moment.”

“Oh my God, stop.” She elbowed him again but, based on the laughter in her voice, she didn’t think it carried the right effect.

And based by the smile she got in return, she knew he was emboldened. “What? You don’t want to miss-” He glanced at the stage and snatched the program from her, sighing. “Whatever the hell this purple monstrosity is?”

“Oh come on, you know you’re going to watch Kira when she comes out.”

“And sleep until that happens?”

“Going for Best Father Ever, here?”

He knocked into her shoulder; he didn’t need to move far, tiny seats pressing the audience into close quarters. “I already have a cup that says that, thank you very much.”

“Umm, hello? Kira made it before she could spell and it actually says Best Farter Ever.”

“And I will treasure it for the rest of my life.”

She laughed and then remembered where she was, shrinking into her seat. “If you get me kicked out...”

“Oh, because I’m always the one dragging you into trouble?”

“Umm...yes?”

“Fine. Yes.” He quirked an eyebrow at her. “But you get into enough trouble on your own, thank you very much.”

“I plead the fifth.”

She leaned against him as he looked back at the stage. “Are those kids dressed up as sunflowers? What the hell is happening?”

“Colt!” She elbowed him in the side, again, digging in further, casting a careful glance behind them. “We cannot get kicked out of a dance recital.”

“You say it like this would be the worst place I’ve been kicked out of.”

She leaned against the arm rest to glare at him and his answering smirk back made her pause, quirk of his lip making her realize how close they were, squeezed into the audience, fake velour under her fingers the only thing that separated them. She leaned closer.

Her heart stopped as Colt’s hand dropped, almost as if her were going to clasp her palm in his, almost as if he forgot that wasn’t a thing they did anymore. Her breath caught. They were so close to touching, inches, when she could see the look on his face change, when he remembered, when he realized that he couldn’t, shouldn’t.

And the moment was over. He ran his hand through his hair. Ellie turned away, leaning back in her chair and staring at the dancing sunflowers on stage. She could feel the electricity underneath her skin, a counterpoint to the voice in her brain telling her this was a bad idea.

Ellie focused on watching every single dance and staying on her side of the fabric barrier between them.

~~~~~

Before (when things actually couldn’t get better so they had to get worse...)

Kira was screeching, counting numbers in some semblance of order (she would proudly proclaim that she was almost three to anyone who walked by but still thought eighteen came after ten). Ellie shook her head and walked into the bedroom, pulling open the drawer of her bedside table.

Who even used checks nowadays? Urgh. She had no idea where her checkbook was, but it definitely wasn’t there. She rolled her eyes, annoyed, and it was just then that she noticed her bed was vibrating. Well, more specifically, her comforter was vibrating, likely because of the person-shaped lump underneath it that was barely holding it together.

Ellie blinked and carefully lifted up a corner. “Colt?”

“Shhh!” He was beaming, smiling up at her in mirth, eyes shining.

“What are you doing?”

“Kicking ass at hide and seek?”

“Oh my God.”

“And I can try to sneak in a nap at the same time. Brilliant.” He had been working a ton recently, coming home dead on his feet after long days, but this was a little extreme.

“Daddy?” Kira’s quizzical cry came from the hallway.

“Shh!” Colt grabbed Ellie’s wrist and pulled, dragging her onto the bed. “She’ll hear you!”

“Jesus!” Ellie was shrouded into darkness as Colt pulled the comforter over her, pulling her close and effectively hiding them both. It was warm, underneath the down, encased in his arms; she could feel her body heating up in multiple ways as he pulled her closer.

“Hmm....” She could hear his voice coming from somewhere below her right ear and, before she knew it, his lips were teasing the sensitive skin behind her earlobe, open-mouthed kisses sliding lower. “I can think of something else this hiding spot is good for.”

“Oh my God, Colt!”

“Daddy?!?!” The shout was in the room now and Colt’s laugh was huffed against her. Ellie tried not to squirm but his hands around her waist and lips brushing against her neck made it a challenge.

Little hands threw the comforter on the floor. “I found you!”

“You did!”

Kira squealed as her dad grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into bed with them, tickling her sides as she laughed and laughed and laughed and Ellie thought that she had never, in her entire life, been happier than she was at this moment, watching Kira struggle to breathe through her laughter, watching the worry lines on Colt’s brow fade to joy. She felt content. She felt whole.

“Alright, Kiki. I’m gonna find you now!” Colt clambered up, lifting Kira high over his head. “You better find a good spot.”

Their giggled echoed down the hall as Ellie lay, smiling, basking in the moment. What had she been doing? Oh yeah, the checkbook.

It hadn’t been in her bedside table; maybe it had wound up in Colt’s?

She pushed herself out of bed and wandered over, pulling the drawer open and feeling around. She didn’t see the checkbook immediately but paused when her fingers hit something soft. It felt like fur, maybe velvet, and she pulled it out to see.

And froze.

She checked the doorway to make sure she was alone and sank onto the bed, clutching the ring box in one trembling hand. One last look out the doorway, double-checking, triple-checking, and she opened it, millimeter by incremental millimeter; when she saw the gleam of a diamond, she gasped, shutting the box and throwing it back in the drawer.

They hadn’t really talked about it; she knew Colt was as devoted to her as she was to him but, with Kira and two demanding jobs between them, she never really paid attention to the legal status of their relationship. But, judging by the ring hiding in the back of his bedside table, he had.

Holy shit.

Ellie couldn’t hold back the smile splitting her face. Her answer was never in doubt.

~~~~~

Now (when things aren’t so sure and things aren’t so good, and it’s still the beginning now...)

“What do you mean you were called in to work?”

“I’m sorry, Ellie.” She could tell that her dad felt bad, both that he was bailing on her and that he wouldn’t see Kira tonight. “It was a last minute thing since Silver got injured yesterday.”

“I understand.” She peered through the glass door into the hallway; it was empty, bright corporate signage taunting her as her mind raced. At least the CEO hadn’t arrived yet and she still had some time to come up with a backup plan. “I’m sure I can figure something out. Someone will be able to watch her.”

“I’m really sorry, kiddo.”

She frantically looked through her phone book as she paced in the conference room, fingers stabbing the digits to try to get to her friends. Riya had tickets to the Lakers game. Logan had to work late in exchange for getting Saturday off.

Ellie took a deep breath as she clicked on her last hope; she had one more person to try. Things had been fine at the recital and he didn’t mention any plans-hopefully, he was free.

“Hey, Ellie.”

It was loud on the shop floor, shouts and banging filtering through the line. “Hi, Colt. Are you busy tonight?” She could hear him step away from the ruckus and into the office; when he shut the door, it was blessedly quiet.

“What’d you say?”

“Are you busy tonight? I’m desperate.”

“Umm...”

“I have a huge work meeting tonight and my dad can’t watch Kira anymore. Are you free? Can you pick her up from school and stay until I get there?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh my God, thank you, thank you, thank you, you have no id-”

“Ellie, it’s fine. Jeez, she’s my daughter; I want to see her. Do you want me to have her sleep here and I can just drop her at school tomorrow?”

“No, I shouldn't be that late. Just bring her to my place.”

“Ok.”

She took a deep breath as she hung up the phone. It would be fine. She wasn’t going to be that late.

...Except she was.

The meeting went well. Amazingly well. Astoundingly well. So well, in fact, that she and her team had headed out to their local bar to celebrate for just one drink.

That had turned into two drinks.

That had turned into more, so many more that she couldn’t drive home and could only cling onto the bar when her legs stopped working as she chatted and laughed and reveled in a job well done.

But now it was late and Kira was probably in bed and she couldn’t get her damn key into the lock because the doorknob wouldn’t stop moving. She took a deep breath and rested her forearm on the door frame, stable enough to slow the spinning, if only for a moment, so she could slide the key in the lock and yank the door open and stumbling her way into the house, cursing how easy martinis went down and time flew by.

At least she had the peace of mind to throw her shoes off, to try to dull her footsteps as she stumbled in, feeling her way around the furniture to hit the lights.

“Colt?” She tried to whisper but she wasn’t sure she succeeded, voice echoing around her.

No answer.

“Colt?” She edged her way into her living room and stopped short, barely managing to stay upright before crashing to the floor. He was asleep on the couch, long legs dangling over the side, rise and fall of his chest visible under the wrinkled tee, hitched up so she could see the cut of his abs, treasure trail a tease that disappeared under the button of his jeans. He looked soft, vulnerable, and she could feel her breath catch. It was too intimate, watching him sleep on the couch that used to be his, in the house they used to share, with the daughter they made and raised just down the hall. It was too dangerous, seeing him this soft, as soft as he was in her memories, memories of a better time when her family was whole and she didn’t sleep alone.

And do a lot more than sleep in that bed. Because even in her drunken state, she could vividly recall what was under those jeans.

She watched him for a minute, taking in the long lines of muscles, the flawless eyebrows, the line of his jaw. “Colt?”

He started, turning to her as his eyes flickered open and fell on her. “Hey. How was your work thing?”

“Good. Sorry I was so late.”

“No worries.” He sat up, yawning.

“How was Kira?”

He blinked up at her, slowly, hair mussed into the bedhead that was all too familiar and that she wished she had forgotten. “Good. We went to the butterfly exhibit at the zoo.”

She could just picture them, hand-in-hand, looking at butterflies and stopping for ice cream before they left. It was the life she had and wanted and lost. She opened her mouth to speak but instead, she hiccuped. Loudly. And did it again, alcohol turning warm in her stomach, heating up the blood flowing throughout her body, setting fire to her face as she blushed.

“Let me...” Colt stood, staring at her uncertainly. “Let me get you some water.”

She nodded, following him into the kitchen, watching as he filled a glass and handed it to her. “Did your-hic-did your girlfriend go?”

He paused, eyes cutting to her. “Huh?” He handed over the glass and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Did your girlfriend go?”

“What girlfriend? And go where?”

Ellie’s hands flailed and she grimaced as the water sloshed onto the floor. “The girl. Your girlfriend.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“But...” She narrowed her eyes at him, sipping the water. “Can you stop moving around? You’re all floaty.”

“You’re all drunk. You should go to bed.”

“No! I’m-” She swayed and had to put the glass down, heavy hand clasping the counter for support. “I might be drunk.”

He chuckled, shaking his head, eyes almost fond. “I should go home.”

“I thought you were gonna bring her to the recital.”

“Bring who to the recital?”

“Your girlfriend, Colt, keep up.”

He opened and closed his mouth. “I don’t have a girlfriend, Ellie. I think you should-”

“If you don’t have a girlfriend, I think you should kiss me.” If she had any coordination left, she would have slapped her hand in front of her mouth as penance for speaking before thinking. However, as it was, she needed to hold on the counter so she wouldn’t slink onto the floor; with no extra hands, she bit her lip and flushed, face and body heating up in shame.

He gaped and ran a hand through his hair, rocking back on his heels. “Ellie, you’re drunk. And you have a boyfriend. We’re not gonna-”

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“But you do. I mean, you have since I got out.” His eyes narrowed. Ellie wanted to smooth the lines from his forehead. Hell, in her drunken state, she wanted to do a lot more.

“What? I don’t, I haven’t, not in a looong time.”

He stared, for so long she almost considered letting go of her iron grip on the counter to walk towards him, but wasn’t sure that she would make it without falling to the ground. Finally, he spoke. “It doesn’t matter. You’re drunk.”

“I’m not.” She was starting to get offended by the aspersions against her sobriety, but she didn’t know which of the three Colts in front of her she should complain to.

“You are.”

“Would you if I were sober?”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Would you kiss me if I were sober?” She was acutely aware of the distance between them- five feet, ten tiles, four steps, none of which she was currently capable of taking. She could feel the distance weighing heavy on her skin as she blinked at him.

“Ellie...” He walked forward, cautious and slow: three feet, two of his steps, and she felt braver.

“I think you would. I think you should.”

His eyes trailed down her face.

“I think you should kiss me now.”

“You’re drunk.” It was a whisper, a breath, but loud enough to rocket through the static in Ellie’s brain as he stepped forward again.

“But if I were sober?”

He was so close that she could follow the path of his eyes, locking with hers, then down, glancing at the mole on her cheek, the freckle on her chin, before ending the circuitous gaze at her lips.

“If I were sober, would you kiss me?”

“If you were sober, I would carry you back to your bedroom and show you what you've been missing for the last two years.”

She blinked once and, when her brain caught up to his words, her hands leapt of their own accord, grabbing his t-shirt and pulling, pulling him closer so his chest met hers and their legs were tangled and none of that mattered because they were kissing, finally kissing, after two years apart, after missed connections and miscommunications and none of that mattered when he backed her into the counter, hands on her hips, mouth never leaving hers.

Heat immediately flashed through her body; was it the kiss? The booze? The fact that it had been two years?

The world spun as strong hands under her thighs lifted her; suddenly, she was perched on the counter. He was slotted in between her legs, mouth dropping to her neck, to the spot behind her ear. She couldn’t think, couldn’t control herself, legs wrapping around him to pull, closer, please, closer. She moaned as his lips moved to up her chin, stubble scraping her jawline, warm friction the most welcome sensation in the world; she wanted to feel the rough scratch all over her. She let out a shuddery exhale, barely formed into his name, pulling at his shirt. His hands slid up her thigh and they were scorching hot, fingers ten lines of fire skating up her already overheating body, underneath her dress, higher still as she though she was going to burst into flames, burn up from the inside and explode. She was spinning when she closed her eyes, spinning when she opened them, the world moving as her head dropped back against the cabinet.

He was going to light her on fire and all she wanted to do was burn.

“Ellie-” His lips had somehow found her ear. It was so hot, so warm in this room, in this skin. The room wouldn’t stop moving. “Ellie, I-”

She grabbed at the edge of the counter, trying to make everything still. It was all spinning, her familiar kitchen curving around her. It must be the heat. It couldn’t be good to be this hot.

He pulled back, only a blurry shape between the spots in her vision. “Ellie?”

She blinked.

Time was starting to bend, sway, change; she could have sworn that he had been right in front of her, hands and lips and taut muscles and stubbled jaw so close she swore they had been touching, but now, suddenly, he was across the room, feet away, eyes unreadable.

The lights in her kitchen were shifting too, spots of color flaring at the edges of her vision, warping and changing and disappearing when she tried to focus.

She blinked.

And he was in front of her again, hands on her waist to lift her onto the floor, smoothing down the lines of her dress, a dress that was not so professional, not anymore, not when it had made its way up her thighs to make room for strong, clever fingers dragging paths of fire along her skin.

The room was shifting too, floor moving, swaying, walls in funhouse patterns around her. She grasped the counter behind her, wrapped Colt’s t-shirt in her other hand, struggling to stay upright with the tilting of the room.

She blinked.

And Kira was there, talking, words coming too fast for her tired brain to understand, Colt filling a plastic unicorn glass with water as the spots of light grew in her eyes.

She blinked.

And the spots of light were a blaze. She opened her eyes to light, bright light, everywhere, and a pounding in her head that spread throughout her body with every throb, the roar of her heartbeat making her wince as it joined the jack-hammering in her brain. She squinted and managed to make out familiar walls, her desk, the large window that was allowing the painful sunshine to pour into the room. She was in her bedroom, somehow, feeling like hell. Everything hurt, she couldn’t think through the construction in her brain, and her mouth was dry and tasted like bad decisions. Crap. She knew these signs. She was hungover.

From the living room, she could hear the soft patter of tiny feet and muffled giggles. Double crap. Kira was up, which meant she needed to fight through the wreckage and somehow pull it together. She rolled over to grab a pillow to throw over her aching eyes and, while she thankfully caught the scream before it left her throat, she couldn’t stop the gasp.

She wasn’t alone in bed. She could see a hint of dark hair, a defined bicep muscle and strong shoulder completely out of place on her sheets. She hazarded a look down and winced. She was naked.

Oh my God.

“Stop freaking out, nothing happened.” Oh, thank goodness, it was Colt. Granted, not great, but, if she was going to wake up in a questionable position next to someone, he was definitely the best of some bad alternatives. “I’ll get her.” The sun slammed pinpoints of pain through her eyes as she watched him clamber out of bed, throwing on clothes.

“If nothing happened, why am I naked?” Triple crap. She was barely able to speak, hoarse voice fighting through chapped lips.

“Because you don’t listen to reason when you’re drunk?” He shrugged on a shirt and she watched the cut of muscles in his back move as he dragged his arms into the sleeves.

She licked her lips and even that small movement hurt. “Why are you here?”

“Because I didn’t think you would be able to function today.” He looked over his shoulder, eyes taking in her supine form, huffing out a sigh. “I wasn’t wrong.”

He wasn’t wrong. She felt like death, eyes falling closed as he left the room.

And eyes shooting open as she remembered.

She didn’t remember everything, had a sense that the night faded from her mind as the hours crept by, but she definitely remembered balancing on the counter as her hands slid though the short hairs at the back of his head and his hands slid up her bare legs. She definitely remembered words and kisses that took her breath away and she remembered leaning back against the counter, warm and pliant, held captive by his hands and his lips and the sparks settling in the base of her stomach. She lifted a shaky hand to her jaw; the skin there was still sensitive, the line of his stubble leaving a flush trail that tingled as her hand gently probed her chin.

Colt said nothing happened.

She wouldn’t call these memories ‘nothing.’

Fuck.

Her mind raced. She tried to think through the noise in her brain but was coming up short, memories refusing to return from whatever mental place the alcohol buried them in. She remembered the work meeting, the bar, coming home; she remembered them kissing, could still feel it in her toes. But then? Nothing.

Urgh.

She was never drinking again.

If she listened closely, focusing on the world outside the pain, she could hear Kira and Colt in the kitchen.

“Daddy! You wore those clothes yesterday.”

“Seriously?” He coughed, awkwardly bumbling before he could respond. “You’re wearing a tutu and dinosaur rain boots while carrying a plastic sword and you want to talk about my outfit?”

“I’m a ballerina dinosaur hunter, daddy! Can I have toast?”

She pushed herself to a sitting position, waiting until the room stopped spinning, and then pushed to a stand, waiting until the floor stopped lurching. She had just managed to throw on some sweats when the door opened again, Colt ducking in with a glass of water and a couple painkillers.

“You said nothing happened.” She tried to glare at him but it hurt her eyes

He blinked. “Nothing happened, Ellie. I know you woke up naked but I swear to God we didn’t-”

“We kissed.” She snatched the pills from his hand, throwing them in her mouth. He handed over the water glass and looked away from her, guilty as hell.

“Yeah. We kissed. That’s it.”

“That’s not noth-”

“I know that.” He looked intently at her, voice dropping to a pained whisper, glancing behind him to where Kira was humming, still out of sight in the kitchen. “I know that. But I meant that we didn’t have sex. Because that didn’t happen.”

She looked at him uncertainly. “What did happen last night?”

“You came home drunk. You asked about Kira. We talked.” He bit his lip and sighed. “We kissed in the kitchen. Kira got up for water and I put you to bed. That was it.”

“Why was I naked?”

“That was all you. You said that you were too hot for clothes.”

“Why didn’t you sleep on the couch?”

“I tried!” He gaped at her. “You said, and I quote, ‘you saw me give birth, Colt, I think we can share a bed.’“

She put her head in her hands, both to cover her blush and to try and quiet the pounding in her head. She was never drinking again.

“Hey.” He touched her arm. “Hey. It’s fine. You go back to bed. I’ll bring her to school.”

She let her hands fall, flashing him a grateful smile. He turned to go but her hand shot out to grab his forearm, skin soft underneath her fingertips. “Thank you.” She tried to ensure her tone conveyed some of the gravity she felt but it sounded more like a croak from a ruined throat.

However, as he gazed back at her, not removing his arm from her grasp, she thought he understood.

~~~~~

Before (when shit comes heavy heavy, storm’s right here, let it in)

Cake? Check.

Decorations? Check.

People? Check. Obviously, Kira was here. Of course, she didn’t exactly have a choice and was currently sitting on her grandfather’s lap, throwing her hands in the air with a delighted squeal at every bounce of his knees. Riya and Darius were in the corner, pouring over the piles of presents, while Logan, Ximena, and Toby had already started diving into the pizza.

Everything was perfect for Kira’s third birthday and, as soon as Colt got home from work, they were going to have cake.

But he was scheduled to arrive over an hour ago and she hadn’t heard a word. She was just about to light the candles without him when her phone rang.

“Mona? Where are you?” Her brow furrowed. Not exactly who she had been anticipating calling her but...

“I have some bad news.”

Ellie felt her stomach drop. “What?”

“Colt got picked up. We think they’re gonna hold him without bail but we’re not sure until the arraignment.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m sorry, Ellie. He said to tell you that he’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Hold up. What?”

Mona’s voice was uncertain as Ellie reached around, blindly, hand finally grasping a chair and sitting. “It’s gonna be ok. I promise. He’ll call tomorrow.”

Ellie blinked at the phone, staring dumbly until Riya walked into the kitchen. She was barely able to get the story out, shock and distress clouding her mind as Riya held her close and rubbed her back until the tears had dried and Ellie could fake it enough to stand and smile and not scream.

She was numb, completely numb, going through the motions, the candles, the cake, the smiles. She was lost, fear and anger and shame roiling in her stomach.

And, the worst, the absolute worst of it was that, with every picture that was taken, she felt his absence stab her through the heart, knowing that they were documenting an empty space as they documented Kira’s third birthday. She couldn’t stand it and had to excuse herself so only the bathroom mirror would see her tears.

He did call the next day, when the presents had all been opened, when the cake had all been eaten, when the decorations had all been put away, and when the shock had faded and been replaced with blinding anger.

“Ellie. Baby.”

“I am going kill you.” She ducked into her bedroom, voice packing as much fury as she could into a whisper; regardless of how angry she was, she couldn’t wake Kira up.

“It’s so good to hear your voice.”

“Don’t even, asshole.”

“Baby...” Colt sighed, pleading. “I’m so sorry but don’t worry, the charges won’t stick and I should be out soon and-”

“Don’t worry? Don’t worry?!?” She could feel the angry tears start to cloud her vision. She closed her eyes but could only see red. “You missed her birthday.”

She could hear noise behind him and a rustle, voice louder as he pulled the phone closer. “I know... Ellie....”

“Don’t ‘Ellie’ me. What the hell did you do?”

“It’s a really long story and I can’t really talk about it here.”

“For fuck’s sake, Colt! I can’t believe you!” She blinked furiously, trying to keep the tears from falling. “I thought we were done with this shit, I thought your family was more-”

“But Ellie-”

“Don’t ‘’but Ellie’ me!”

His sigh was heavy. “I’m sorry but I promise-”

“No, you listen to me! I can’t believe you! Listen to your stupid excuses and stupid promises. You know what? You’re exactly like your dad.”

The intake of his breath was sharp on the phone line. “Ellie-”

“You said you weren’t your dad and look at you now,” she spit venom out over the line. “What if you don’t get out?”

“I will.” His harsh whisper was certain. “I will, give it some time and-”

“No.” The tears were burning on her cheeks. “I’m not going to be waiting here for you. I’m done.”

His voice was pained. “You don’t mean th-”

“I’m done, Colt. Done. I can’t have my daughter around this. I can’t be around this.” She sunk onto the bed, weak legs no longer able to hold her up. “Don’t contact me. Really. Don’t call. Don’t write. If you ever get out, then maybe you can see your daughter. Until then, goodbye.”

“Ellie, wai-”

The silence on the line finally and completely broke her heart. She allowed herself five minutes, five minutes of hysterical, cathartic tears, then trudged back into the kitchen to make lunches for tomorrow.

Colt or no Colt, she had shit to take care of.

~~~~~

Now (things are getting better so keep it steady steady...)

The birthday party was in full swing, Kira laughing and spinning in her princess gown, clad in a giant party hat with a bright pink five right in the center, when Ellie ducked into the kitchen to find Colt hunched over the counter. His body was angled just so she couldn’t see what he was looking at. Suspicious.

“What are you-?” She peered over, just enough to see the plate in front of him. “Are you sneaking cookies?”

He turned, eyes crinkling with mirth, boyish smile gracing his face. He looked young, innocent, presiding over his hoard with a smudge of chocolate on his top lip. “Shhh....she’s gonna hear you!”

“Thief! You goddamn thief! Give me one!” She stepped closer, hand out.

“No way! These are mine!” His eyes sparkled and, at moments like these, Ellie had to remind herself that they were over, that they weren’t together, that it was a distant history, her distant past.

“I’m so gonna tell Kira you broke into her stash.”

“My stash now.”

“Just give me-” She reached over, trying to get at the cookies around him, and he started batting her away laughing.

“No, you’re gonna ruin it!”

“Not if you share!” She hip checked him, trying to move him, but he only pushed her back, each of them fighting for space in front of the heaping plate. Finally, Ellie managed to edge in between him and the counter, snatching a cookie, spinning triumphantly. “Got one!” The words died in her mouth as she realized how close they were, his hips pressing hers into the counter, lips inches from hers, the smear of chocolate on his upper lip tempting her, sweeter than any cookie she’d ever seen.

A soft thud caught her attention and she looked down, realizing the cookie had fallen out of her hand. She swallowed and looked back at him. “Colt?” He wasn’t blinking, eyes trained on her lips and his hands curling around her waist. Her heart jumped into her throat.

“Daddy!” Colt jumped back as if stung as Kira flounced into the room. “Are we gonna have cake?”

Ellie blinked at where Colt was still staring at her, eyes wide; apparently, she was going to need to recover her voice first. “Yeah, in a minute.”

“Ok! Yay! I love cake!” Kira answered as only a sugar-high five year-old could and danced off.

“I’m gonna-” Ellie licked her lips and gestured to the food behind her. “I’m gonna get-”

The rest of the sentence was lost in Colt’s mouth as he surged forward and pressed her against the counter. She responded eagerly, throwing her arms around his neck, licking the chocolate off his lip and then pushing her tongue to meet his and chase the rest of the sweetness. He moaned low in his throat, hands grabbing her hips and sliding against her back, shots of electricity that went straight down her spine. She kissed him like she was drowning, like she had been drowning for years and the breath she pulled from his lungs was what she needed to revive her, to awaken her nerves and the shivers down her back and the tingle even lower.

She had just slid her fingers into his belt loops, yanking him closer, grasping at every inch of skin she could reach, when footsteps registered at the edge of consciousness. It was impossible to pay attention to anything else, however, when Colt’s teeth made their way to her lip, a teasing bite that made her jerk her hips.

But she was forced to look up when the door to the kitchen flew open with a crash and Colt jumped backwards, both of them gasping for breath.

“Holy shit.” Riya hissed, shock on her face fading into a knowing grin that Ellie despised. “I’m just gonna...” She put the dirty dishes on the counter and covered her eyes. “Carry on. I’m just gonna go back out and you guys can continue whatever it was that you were doing.”

Ellie glared daggers at her back. When she turned to Colt, the moment had faded; he was looking at the ground, one hand rubbing the back of his neck, the other gesturing towards the door. “I’m gonna-”

She nodded, busying herself by fixing up the desserts. They said history repeated itself so you had to learn from it, but she wasn’t sure she understood this lesson.

At least this time, she was sober.

~~~~~

Before (when things got worse, went from bad to worse, went from bad to worst...)

Ellie frowned, putting the phone down with a sigh.

She should have known she wasn’t ready to jump into anything again, the breakup with Colt so fresh, so raw, but Logan was Logan. He was kind and caring and so undoubtedly attractive that she let herself believe that they could more from friendship to more without stopping to think. To think about what she wanted, to think about her broken heart and worried mind and her ruined life.

She had just been so lonely. And alone. And sad, as sad as she had ever been. And scared, terrified really, of being a single mother and having no one else to rely on, other than herself. She knew first-hand how cruel this world could be; could she and Akira really survive as a dyad, a pair, fighting through the storms together? She wasn’t sure.

But when her world turned upside down, Logan had been the person she could rely on. Ximena was around, often, but Ellie suspected that it was because Colt requested it, had asked her to check in and care for his family when he couldn’t. And, to his credit, he hadn’t called her, had respected her angry words, words that she sometimes thought she would take back if given the chance, if he had called. She wondered what they would say, if he would apologize and explain, if she would apologize and take back her rage. Those thoughts remained unspoken, though. He didn’t call. She didn’t visit. And she was alone.

But not always alone. Logan had been there, for the mundane, such as pickups from school or last minute grocery trips, and the less mundane, such as calming her tears when the stress and worry became too much.

But jumping into a relationship? It was too much, too soon. She couldn’t...she just couldn’t... She sunk into a chair and put her hands over her face. He had even been so understanding about it all, vowing that they would stay friends, vowing that this wouldn’t ruin their ten year friendship. Regardless of what else they had going on, he had her back.

Her ruminating was interrupted by a knock at the door, three sharp raps that made her pause. She wasn’t expecting anyone and tiptoed over, peering through the peephole and gasping.

The last person she expected to see on her doorstep was standing there, repetitively cracking his knuckles and rocking back on his heels, frown on his face. She threw open the door.

He straightened and looked down at her; any nervousness she saw through the peephole was gone now as he stared in barely contained fury. “Hello, Ellie.”

“Hi, Colt.” She took a minute to drink him in; he was glaring at her, arms stiff at his side and hands balled into fists. She hadn’t seen him in four months and couldn’t stop her eyes from assessing him, looking him over under the dim streetlight above them to see how he changed. He looked harder, muscles in his chest more defined, tilt of his shoulders more aggressive, but it was him, alive and free.

“Can I come in?”

She dumbly nodded and stood aside so he could walk in, stooping to untie his boots and leave them in the entryway before stepping inside. She felt unmoored, lost. “When did you get out of jail?”

“Last week. They dropped all charges. Just like I said.”

She swallowed. His words were dripping with poison; while they had their share of fights, he had never spoken to her this coldly. He had never scared her; for all his criminal activity and illegal transgressions, he had also been tender hands and declarations of love with her. While she wasn’t scared of him now, she suddenly knew what it was like to be in front of Kaneko, instead of her Colt.

“You waited a week to come-”

“I’m here now. I wanted to talk to you about Kira.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay.” She wondered if he would let her apologize for her words or if it would be pointless, just like the last four months had been: pointless and long and unforgiving.

“We need to come up with a schedule so I can see my daughter.” He reached into his pocket to pull out a folded piece of paper and hand it to her. “Here’s what I recommend. It’s an alternating schedule; one week, I’l get her Monday-Wednesday-Friday. Then you have the following weekend and we switch.” His tone was short, business-like, serious.

She looked down at his careful writing on the paper. “Okaaay.” Her brain wasn’t keeping up. Apparently, she wasn’t going to get an apology either; maybe it was for the best. “This is fine. I guess. I mean...” She bit her lip, trying and failing to think.

“This is just a starting point. Modifications are fine based on schedule.” He hadn’t taken his coat off, hands shoved in his pockets.

“Then, yeah. Yeah, this is fine.”

“Good.”

“I missed you.” The words came out before she could reconsider.

His eyes narrowed, darkening dangerously. “I’d like to see my daughter, please.”

“She’s...” Ellie had to suck in a breath, blinking to try and keep the tears from her eyes. This is not exactly how she imagined the reunion. Thank goodness he hadn’t arrived any earlier, to catch her stilted conversation with Logan. “She’s asleep.”

“I just want to see her.”

“Ok.” Ellie sighed. “Fine.”

He nodded brusquely and walked past her towards Kira’s room, opening the door as softly as possible. She followed, slowly, feet padding behind as she stopped in the hall. Ellie wondered if jail had hardened him, if the tight jaw and narrowed eyes were an artifact of being inside for so long.

However, as she peered through her daughters doorway and saw him sit carefully on the side of Kira’s tiny mattress, tears pooling in his eyes, gentle hand caressing her face with inexplicable softness, she wondered if it was she, herself, was the hardening force.

~~~~~

And now (for the end of the end and the beginning of the beginning...)

“We should stop.” Her hands fisted into his t-shirt, pulling him closer so her hands could greedily start working on the button of his jeans. She had only come to pick up Kira, to take her home for dinner and bath and story and bed and another night of being alone. She had not come here to be pressed against the filing cabinet in Colt’s office, his lips sliding against hers and strong arms holding her hips steady.

His lips edged to her ear and he hissed as her hands found her target. “You’re kinda giving me mixed signals here.”

She also hadn’t come here to see Sam, the young coffee shop girl with bright lipstick and rapid prattle, playing checkers with Kira on the concrete floor of the shop while Colt was in his office. It made something ugly burn in her stomach, ugly and nasty and painful; in the back of her mind, she realized that she understood what it was like to be replaced and how deep that hurt went. “We should stop, we’re in your office, Colt.”

“I’m well aware.” His hips bucked as she gave him a slow stroke, just how he liked. Some things were impossible to forget.

“And Kira’s outside.”

“Yeah, she’s fine.” The noise was huffed against her neck as warm hands slid up her back.

She blinked. Kira was outside with the coffee shop girl and Ellie was in here, with her ex and her broken heart and her broken family that had never really been fixed.

“Stop.” He froze instantly at the word and her dead voice, his hands stopping their path up her sides. “We can’t do this.”

"Ok.” He took a few steps back, breathing hard. He looked debauched, standing in front of her, hair mussed, shirt wrinkled, cheeks and lips flushed a bright pink that continued down and disappeared into his shirt.

“Listen, El-” He quickly fixed up his pants, taking a deep breath and another step back. “Ellie. I-” He rubbed his hand over his face. “This isn’t-”

His struggle for words was interrupted by a scream, piercing in the shop, and then a crash that trailed off into silence. Colt caught her eye for a split-second, fear clouding his gaze, before cursing. “Fuck, Akira!” He threw open the door to the office and sprinted into the shop, Ellie hot on his heels.

And what she saw made her heart leap into her throat.

Kira was on the ground, a crumpled heap, next to a cabinet of tools that lay on its side. Its drawers were askew, wrenches and screws and metal scattered around where her child lay, eerily still for a child who never stopped moving. Colt made it there first, turning her over as Ellie’s hand flew to her mouth. Kira’s eyes were closed, eyebrows and lashes stark against her pale skin, below a patch of blood that was steadily getting worse.

“Kira? Hey, Kira?” He was under her now, sitting, crouched down, careful hands combing back her hair to get a better look. Her arm was splayed out at an odd angle, cradled in her dad’s lap, and Ellie thought she was gonna throw up.

Colt reached into his pocket, trying not to jostle the still bundle on his lap, and tossed his phone to Ellie. “Call an ambulance. Now.”

She nodded, shaky, fingers typing in the eight numeric digits without thinking, unlocking the phone with trembling hands as she sank to the floor so she wouldn’t drop the phone. Even sitting on the concrete, her knees were knocking against each other and she felt so cold, watching Colt pull their daughter to him; she dialed the number.

Sam came running down the stairs, dark hair flying behind her. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can you get me the first aid kit?”

“911, what is your emergency?”

“I-”

“Where’s the first aid kit?”

“Break room.”

“911. Hello? Ma’am?”

“I-”

“Hurry!”

“Ok, I’ll get it.” Sam’s footsteps disappearing into the break room brought her back into the moment. She had taken down corrupt cops and stolen multi-million dollar vehicles. She could call an ambulance.

“Yes, I’m here. I need an ambulance to Gramercy Park. My daughter is hurt...” She looked at the wreckage around her as she gave the dispatcher the information, her daughter cradled in Colt’s arms, shouts from the back as Toby and Ximena came running out. She sat and trembled like a leaf in a tornado, desperate to hold onto something for dear life.

She shook the entire way, as she watched the red lights flash throughout the street, the entire ambulance ride, clutching Colt’s hand until her knuckles were white and sore. Kira had woken up during the trip, eyes confused and frightened watching the strange equipment and paramedics bustling over her, crying when she told them that she only wanted to climb up the toolbox-she was so so sorry and she would never do it again and it hurt. Ellie shook and trembled and fretted as she watched the stretcher go down the hall, off to some scan with some machine that would tell them if something was seriously wrong, shook the whole way to the waiting room as they checked her baby out and she and Colt had to wait interminably as the local news blared on the television chained to the wall and she paced and paced and paced.

“Ellie, she's going to be okay.”

Ellie wringed her hands together. “I know, I know. I'm just...I can’t believe...”

“Yeah.” He plopped into a chair, long legs splayed in front of him.

She glared at him, flash of anger coming on the heels of the terror. “I thought your girlfriend was watching her.”

“Who?”

“Sam?”

“Who the hell’s Sam?”

Ellie blinked at him. It was like they were inhabiting completely separate worlds. But maybe they had been for the last two years. “The girl in the shop? Who was playing with Kira?”

“Wait, the receptionist?”

Ellie froze in mid-flail, hand returning to her side. “Who?”

“Toby’s cousin? Who works the front desk?” Colt stared her down. “Jesus, Ellie, that’s who you’ve been talking about? For Christ’s sake, she’s 18. And she works for me!”

“Toby’s cousin?”

“She needed a job. I needed someone to sit at the front desk and play solitaire and not blow shit up. It worked.”

She sank into the chair next to him, legs giving out. She was entirely drained, her body, her mind, everything; she put her elbows on her knees to cradle her head in her hands, boneless and tired. “Colt, how did we end up here?”

“Uhh, how did we end up at the hospital?” He watched her, warily. “El, did you hit your head too?”

“No. How did we end up here?”

He watched her, eyebrow raised, waiting to see if she would elaborate. When she didn’t, he sighed and crossed his hands over his chest. “You mean, the fact that you dumped me when I was locked up?”

“Colt, I was furious. And rightfully so.”

“I know. You were right to be pissed. Hell, you were right to kick me out.” He raked his hands through his hair.

“I was furious and then I stopped being mad. And started being sad.” She looked at her hands, trying to choose her words carefully. “And it was like you didn’t care. When you got out, you waited a week to see us and you hated me.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true, it is, and our family fell apart.”

“I never hated you.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” She had to lower her voice; even though they were the only ones in the room, she didn’t want anyone walking by to hear the sobs of her broken heart. “You were so cold and so mean and you hated me, despised me. For months. I’m sorry that I was so mad but-”

“Stop it.” He turned to her, eyes fiery underneath the down-turned brow. “I never hated you. But you-”

“But I what, Colt? What the hell did I do?”

He looked forward again, staring at the television. “I came to see you, you know. The night I got out of jail. I came by the house.” He bit his lip, still avoiding her eyes. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“No, you didn't. I would have remembered that.”

“I did.” His arms were crossed and he looked past her, over her shoulder. “You weren't alone.”

“Of course I wasn't alone. I had Kira all the time.”

“No. That's not what I mean. You weren't alone.”

The realization was immediate. “Logan.”

He nodded and looked away, jaw set.

“Colt.... Colt.” Her eyes started to fill up with tears. “It wasn't like that. I was scared. I was scared and sad and alone and I thought you were gone. I thought you were gone and I thought I was a single mom and I really needed somebody. And you weren't there.”

He shrugged. His eyes were glassy, too. “Well, it didn't take you long to move on, did it now?”

“It wasn't like that.”

“Wasn’t it?”

They just stared at each other, the years and pain and heartbreak filling the space between them. Finally, Colt’s eyes dropped to the ground, to look at the magazine rack behind her, to look anywhere and everywhere but her.

She wiped a tear from her cheek. “What were you going to say?”

“What?”

“What were you going to say, the first time you came by?”

“Ellie, what the hell do you think I was going to say?” His voice shook slightly. “I wanted my family back. I wanted to move home. I wanted you.”

She sucked in a shuddery breath, tears coming faster now. “I would have said yes. Colt, I would have... I would have said yes.” She bit her lip, watching him take in her confession, saying nothing. The television continued to blare in the background, now the theme song of some game show.

He opened his mouth. And reconsidered, thinking, before turning to her, serious look on his face. “Ellie, what if-”

“Excuse me.” They both turned, Colt leaping to his feet, as a nurse walked in. “You can come back now. The CT’s done.”

They arrived at her room to see the doctor hovering over her, Kira’s eyes open but blinking slowly. She looked drawn, exhausted. Ellie raced to her bedside, taking the tiny hand not encased in gauze and clutching it as tightly as she could.

“I’m ok, mom. I’m ok.” Kira was pale, propped up on pillows, bandage almost comically large for her small head.

“She really is ok. The good news is that it’s just a concussion. Scan revealed nothing abnormal so she should be fine, but she should stay here for observation tonight and then we can put her cast on tomorrow.”

“They said I was tough and gave me a sticker.” Kira proudly showed off the unicorn on her shirt.

“You are tough, kid.” The doctor smiled kindly at her, and then turned to Ellie and Colt. “Would either of you like to spend the night as well?”

“I’m staying.” They both spoke in unison; Ellie shot a surprised glance over but Colt’s jaw was set, certain.

The doctor continued undaunted while scrawling on her clipboard. “I mean, you can both stay, it’s just a tiny room and the cots that we have are pretty small for two people.”

Ellie blinked as Colt answered for the both of them. “That’s fine.”

Ellie considered disagreeing but held her tongue. She almost spoke up when Kira slipped into a blissful sleep, painkillers and exhaustion taking hold. She almost spoke up again when the nurses gave her some scrubs to wear, pale blue and threadbare, but soft against her skin. She absolutely had to speak up when she saw the actual size of the cot.

“We’re not sleeping together on that.” It was made for one person, half the size of her bed at home, the bed that was hers alone and had been hers alone for years.

Colt dropped onto the mattress, frame squeaking as his long legs stretched. “What do you mean? I’ve seen you give birth, I think we can share a bed.”

She whacked him over the head, sitting down next to him with a huff.

“What, I can’t use your own words against you?”

“You’re incorrigible.” She looked down uncertainly. “I don’t think this will hold us both.”

He rested his hands under his head. Even though they had turned off the lights so Kira could sleep, monitors cast a eerie glow about the room. “It’ll be fine. And if it breaks and you get hurt, we’re already in the hospital.”

She rolled her eyes and stretched out, turning away from him but still acutely aware of his body, right behind her, warm and comforting and familiar. She shifted, trying to get comfortable in the tiny space, no room to move between Colt and the wall, hospital beeping and din doing battle with her tired mind. She was almost comfortable when Colt spoke.

“What would you say now?”

“Say now about what?” She turned to see him, profile visible in the dark as he stared up at the ceiling. “Huh?”

“If I told you I wanted to come home. In the waiting room...” He rubbed his palm over his lips. “In the waiting room, you said you would have said yes when I got outta jail. What would you say now? If I asked?”

Her stomach dropped. “Colt...” She sat up, elbow propped so she could study his face, the tears forming in his eyes. “Colt...do you want to come home?”

“More than anything.” He turned so he could face her fully. “Ellie, more than anything. I’m done with-”

The rest of the words were meaningless, mumbled and garbled as she leaned forward to press her lips to his. He pulled her closer, desperate, needy, hands flying over every inch of her as if to reassure himself that she was real.

His voice was hoarse when he pulled back. “You know how important family is to me. You know I don’t want to be my dad, you know this.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry I fucked it up.” She could see the remorse painted on his face, remorse and pain and maybe a little hope too.

“I know.” She laid down on the cot, dropping her head on his chest, weary exhaustion seeping into her bones. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, El.” He kissed her forehead. “I missed you and Kira and my family. Every day. This is what’s important to me.”

Her eyes were blinking slower now, hospital noise fading from her mind.

She almost didn't hear his whispered ‘I love you, El’ as she sank into darkness.

~~~~~~

Ellie was still in the place between sleep and waking, where everything was warm and quiet and still, mind and body just floating in space, when a familiar arm curved over her, sliding just under her breasts to settle by her rib cage. Her eyes shot open as the body behind her leaned close to nuzzle the curve of her neck, breath warm on her skin, and she heard the sleepy sigh that had once been so familiar, as familiar as her own name.

No one else held her like this. And she knew, in her hearts of hearts, that no one else would ever hold her like this again.

She spun around and Colt’s eyes blinked open unsteadily. “Colt?”

“Wha-?”

“I didn’t-” Her brain was fuzz, eyes unsteady as she took in the sterile walls, unfamiliar medical supplies. “Did I dream this?

His hand was still around her, now drawing patterns at the small of her back. “Dream what?”

“Are we back together?”

“Yeah, well, that was the good part of the night. Kira also got a concussion and needs a cast on her arm.”

"And that was the nightmare part of the evening.” She blinked, her recollection of the day slowing coming into focus behind her eyelids

He pulled her closer on the tiny bed. “But concussions heal. Bones heal. She’s gonna be ok.”

“Do families heal?” Her breath caught in her throat. “Are we gonna be ok?”

He was silent, through thirteen low beeps of a monitor while Ellie held her breath. Finally, he shook his head. “Not just ok. I think we’re gonna be great.”

She settled against his chest and sighed, his heartbeat matching the droning beeps above them, matching her own heartbeat in her ear. It was a weird place to find happiness but she thought that maybe, hopefully, finally, she had her family back.

~~~~~

Two years later...because the beginning of the beginning segues into the middle too...

Ellie was distracted, lost in her own head and her own circling thoughts, anxious fingers keeping busy by cleaning the kitchen counter, but even she couldn’t ignore Kira’s screech.

“Wait wait wait! I want my unicorn cup.”

“Which unicorn cup?” Colt shook his head as he walked in, their daughter bouncing behind him.

“My favorite unicorn cup....duh, dad.”

Ellie laughed as Colt stretched high to grab the requested cup, the same cup that Kira hadn’t taken a sip from in over a year. The grin her seven year-old gave was blinding as she filled it with water and flounced away.

“Duh, dad,” Ellie echoed, knocking into his shoulder with a smile, appreciative of some distraction to get her mind of the treadmill of thoughts she had been on for the last few days.

“She sounds like a teenager.”

“What if I wanted the unicorn cup, Colt?”

“We have seven unicorn cups, take your pick.” He groaned. “I’m gonna get her into motorcycles. We could start a motorcycle cup collection."

“Hmmm....or have a boy....” Ellie mused out loud.

When she realized what she said, her heart stopped, mouth falling open, She tried and failed to cover it up with a cough, her mind inadvertently flashing to the shopping bag hidden in a pile of clothes on the floor of her closet, the bag she hadn’t get had a chance to open, waiting for a moment alone when the house was quiet and still and she would have the appropriate solace for a life-changing moment.

But of course, Colt noticed everything.

“Ellie?”

She said nothing, couldn’t get the words to come.

“Ellie? Is there something you’re not....” She watched his eyes widen and trail down to her stomach. He stepped closer, lips quirking into a brilliant smile. “Ellie?”

“I don’t know for sure! I wasn’t going to say anything until I was sure.”

“Oh my God, you’re pregnant.”

“I’m not sure but...” He swept her into a hug, lips finding hers; she was giggling and kissing and seriously, deliriously happy. “I think I’m pregnant.”

“It’s a boy.”

“How are you so sure? I don’t even know if I’m really-”

“I know.” He smirked, leaning in to trail his lips up her jaw. “I know everything.”

“Really.”

“I know you’re pregnant.” Soft hands pulled her against him.

“Ok.”

“I know it’s a boy.” Soft lips traced the underside of her chin.

“Ok....”

“And I know you’re gonna marry me.”

She leaned away to look into his eyes, heart stopping. “You haven’t asked.” Her mind flashed to before, years ago, a distant memory of finding a ring by his bedside when she thought she was as happy as she could ever be.

He winked at her, cocky and sure. “I know. But you’re gonna.” Suddenly, she felt even younger, 18 again, watching a boy with a motorcycle take on the world. But this time, she was by his side.

“That’s not a proposal.”

He shrugged, stepping back and moving to follow Kira out of the room. “I know.”

“Wait.” She turned, unable to stop the grin from spreading over her face. “Just wait a second.”

“You’ll see. I know everything.” And with that, he was gone, out of the room, leaving behind more questions than answers.

She stood, frozen on the spot, staring at the space he just vacated, grin spreading over her face until she thought her cheeks would split in two.

She thought it was a lie that broken bones healed stronger.

But maybe families did.

And maybe right now was actually as happy as she had ever been.

Tags: @choicesseptemberchallenge

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Colt

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#playchoices fanfic #colt kaneko #colt x mc #choices rod #ride or die: a bad boy romance #amy writes

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