#but like he knows im an abuse survivor and have trouble with boundaries

[kitaava]

trigger warning. do not read if you dont want to read something triggering.

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi, im the anon with the guy 'helping' me with my trauma 🙃👋

I didnt know what he did was gaslighting, wow😅 he is almost always acting like he knows me more than i know myself and tells me how i should be feeling, because only "stupid people feel those things. Thats not you".

Ive been talking to him since, less than before though as it doesnt feel the same, almost like i lost that 'connection' with him. I know i probably shouldnt, but im just waiting until he does it again to cut off contact. Even imagining doing this, makes me feel incredibly guilty. Ive only known the guy almost 3 weeks 😅

Im not sure if it was retraumatising, though. I know that since then, my memory has been incredibly hazy and ive been dissossociating a lot.

When that day happened, i remember telling him i was crying/couldnt breathe, and he just mocked me further, spamming me with the same message (almost 8 times in a row). He was faking sympathy. During this he sent me pictures of himself laughing/smiling. He thought it was a joke, and that i was lying about my feelings for attention :/

I feel like he helps me move 2 steps forward, then 3 steps back, and gets upset when im cautious/hesistant to move forward again.

Thank you for your response, it was incredibly validating! 😊💕

Hi again! I’m glad I could help ❤😊

Yes, that definitely sounds like gaslighting, nonnie. No one, absolutely no one knows you more than you know yourself, or knows what you are or aren’t feeling or thinking. No one has a right to tell you who you are. And the “only stupid people feel those things” bit also worries me, because it’s never a good sign when a person tries to convince you that somehow you’re different or superior than anyone else as long as you are exactly who they want you to be. I’m not very knowledgeable in these topics, but as far as I know, this can be an isolation tactic to make you feel like only this one person understands you; to make you less likely to go to others for help. Which can make you much more vulnerable if this one person wants to hurt or control you.

Also, what he said is absolutely not true. Anyone can feel suicidal, or depressed, or anxious, or have symptoms of trauma. You’re not different than the rest of the world, and you deserve to feel like a part of it and connected to the people around you; reconnecting with the world around you and feeling understood by it is a really important part of recovery, especially if your trauma made you feel isolated or like there wasn’t anyone who’d understand or who you could reach out for help. And the fact he’s trying to “other” you from other people really rubs me off the wrong way.  

I’m glad you haven't known him for that long and that you’re talking to him less! And I know guilt can be a tough enemy to battle during recovery, but please, remember it’s never wrong to take any steps to keep yourself safe, especially not when you’re in such a crucial and vulnerable moment in your life as is trauma recovery. Try to think about it this way: if his intention is to hurt you or make you feel like he’s the only one you can trust, then cutting him off now will save you from a lot of pain. If he doesn’t have bad intentions and genuinely wants you to get better, he will understand how important it is for you to be able to set boundaries and protect yourself, and will respect you not wanting to keep him as a part of your support group or in your life at all. And if he reacts badly to you wanting to cut him off, then that is a red flag that he is not willing to respect your boundaries when your boundaries inconvenience him, which means cutting him off is definitely the right move.

I don’t know a lot about what re-traumatising events feel like, but the fact that what he did caused you to dissociate and to have memory issues sounds like a bad sign :( I’m lucky enough that I haven’t gone through any similar events since I left my abusive house, and I can tell you that I personally haven’t struggled with recent memories being hazy since I got away from my abuser. (Memories from traumatic moments are definitely hazy, but I don't have trouble remembering new ones I make on a daily basis since I got out, if that makes sense! Well... Beyond not remembering what I ate yesterday, lol.) If anyone knows more about this than me and wants to shed some light on this topic, it would be appreciated!

And about him mocking you/sending pics of him smiling while you were clearly in distress... I just have no words for how cruel that is. It’s not okay to treat anyone in distress like they’re faking it or like their emotions are a joke; much less if the person is a survivor and likely to have been triggered! And about the “faking for attention” bit, I honestly don’t understand how people can use that excuse to invalidate someone’s emotions. Because even if you had been genuinely trying to get his attention about your struggles, and not just experiencing what I think could’ve been a flashback... the truth still stands that what people often call “attention-seeking” are more often than not cries for help. No one who tries to catch other people’s attention about how bad they feel inside does it for fun or to be cool™; we do it because we need help. Exactly like when a baby cries because it’s hungry. So I don’t understand how the logic can be anything other than “if this person is crying for help, I should do whatever is in my power to help them”, tbh. I don’t understand how trying to get others’ attention about your feelings is selfish or cringy or anything other than something to be taken seriously. So his logic still doesn't excuse him mocking you, laughing at you, or telling you there's basically nothing wrong with you.

Okay, ramble over 😅 I also wanted to say, regarding your second-to-last paragraph, that it’s absolutely okay for you to be hesitant to move forward in your recovery, and that for recovery to work, it needs to happen at your own pace, with you being able to set boundaries at all times. It’s not his place to get upset at you. As I’ve said before, if he truly wants to help, what he needs to do is respect your boundaries and offer support; not push you, rush you, or get mad at you for struggling. 

I’m really glad my previous reply was validating, and hope this one helps a bit too ❤ sending a huge virtual hug! 

[pastelacrylics]

im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘

Assault TW under the cut

Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy

now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.

i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow

im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off

i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person?   i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked)  because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too.  and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.

[glowyelfboyfriend]

tuna2x2

Do you wanna share some of them?? I like seeing new interpretations of Fenris as an abuse survivor

Writing fic isnt really working out tonight (Hawke is honestly so much trouble rn) so what the heck, why not, lets get balls deep in this...

((((Under a cut, gonna talk about Fenris as a sexual person dealing with his own sexual abuse history etc)))))

So straight off the bat, I headcanon that Fenris is a *very* sexual person. He has a high sex drive (I hc elves generally do in DA) and is very highly sensual and really *enjoys* sex.

He has a line about when he lived with the fog warriors where he says something along the lines of them being ‘free with their love’ and it always gave me the impression that Fenris totally banged a fog warrior and that was the time that he first realized that the sexual experiences he had with Danarius were not fucking normal or okay. I figure after that is when Fenris kind of, like, repressed himself and shut everything down as far as sexual feelings because suddenly everything he knew felt awful and sick and he hated it and didnt yet know how to differentiate sex in and of itself from the abuse. 

Like.... his experience with the fog warrior would have been good. It would have been loving and soft and consentual and the other person actually like, giving a shit about his experience and treating him like a person instead of an object. It was probably very overwhelming.

Fast forward to when Fenris and Hawke hook up its literally years later and Fenris still doesnt know HOW to do a normal sex, he doesnt know how to ‘correctly’ act in an encounter or whats normal or whats strange. I imagine he is the kinda guy who blurts out something from his sexual past and everyone is like “???” and he has to stop and go “oh no is that weird? oh no please just forget I said anything”

So like, once he’s in a relationship I see him going hyper-sexual but not knowing things like how to instigate or what boundaries are appropriate or even like what sexual acts are ‘normal’. I imagine him alone with Hawke and feeling a bit sexy and just kinda.... going for it, like grabbing Hawke’s dick or just pulling down his pants to suck him off cause like ? ? ? ? ? how do people instigate? How do free men operate this landscape? 

Imagine him at the hanged man kinda leaning over to Hawke and telling him he wants to suck him off so bad, like right now, and Hawke is like “!!! we can go home?” and Fenris is like “there are rooms here? we can borrow Isabela’s room I’m sure she wouldnt mind” and being sort of like “oh shit” once he realizes like maybe thats not chill

Imagine him and Hawke fucking and Fenris pulls out like, weird verbal stuff or suggests something kinky or like ‘shows off’ a ‘trick’ and then when he sees Hawke respond like “oh.........” because goddamnit Fenris was a slave who got abused that way and thats where he’s pulling this from, Fenris ends up shutting down and feeling horrible about it. 

But like, overall its a coin flip when something sexually explict happens like, if Isabela makes a sexy joke at his expense its a 50/50 of Fenris either snorting a laugh or else getting high-key triggered. 

I just see so many people write him as touch averse or sexually represed or like Damaged. Or else like, not being a sexual person and being against anything vaguely non-vanilla, and it bothers me cause sexual abuse victims CAN enjoy sex and can reclaim their sexuality and often go through phases of hyper-sexuality if not just being that way anyways. Im not suggesting Fenris be like, into bondage or wanting to replicate anything from his abuse, but just being open and proud and sexual. I mean, him and Isabela hooking up is always seen as this super negative things, and I dont think they are exactly the Best together, but the fact that Fenris responds to her upfront and honest sexuality and they have a comfortable arrangement that he enjoys says a lot about him as a person.

That all being said, nothing wrong with people who h/c him as ace or touch averse like, all headcanons are fine and dandy, I just love me some Happy Slutty Fenris being able to reclaim that part of himself in a healthy and loving way that makes his life better. Yanno, after a period of solid Learning how to do that for himself.

[traumabrained]

sexual abuse/tw: I was abused by my ex 2 years ago. When we'd hang out for the last month of our relationship, he would force me to do things or force himself on me. Sometimes I wouldn't put up a fight. I'm in a new relationship now, but I've been having flashbulb memory, panic attacks, and sometimes freak out and get the urge to hit my s/o during acts because I get scared and defensive so I ask to stop. I'm afraid to tell anyone my ex abused me, and I'm too scared to tell my s/o... Help?

im so sorry this is happening to you.

its understandable that youre afraid to tell anyone, because abuse often relies on making you feel like you deserved it, and making you feel ashamed. so it makes sense that you are afraid.

that being said, you didnt deserve it, and the shame isnt yours to bear, it’s your abuser’s. and if you tell someone who is a good person what happened, they’ll understand it, and they wont blame you for it (because its not your fault).

you need to tell your significant other. if you know they would react poorly and blame you, or maybe even take advantage of you, then instead of telling them i would recommend breaking up with them.

but if they are a good person? please tell them. they will understand why you dont want to do certain things, and they will stop doing them. it will make your relationship much better for you, i promise.

if you have trouble saying things out loud like i do (and like lots of abuse survivors as far as i can tell), maybe write it down on a note, or in email, and give it to them. in private is preferable but if youre afraid and want to be around witnesses in case something bad happens, then thats completely understandable.

you dont have to go into a lot of detail right then and there, but give them the basics: your ex sexually abused you (and physically / emotionally abused you as well). when you do things with your new SO it gives you flashbacks and panic attacks, etc. therefore you need to not do those for a bit, and do different things (if youre comfortable with some acts and not others) or else do zero things (if all acts trigger you). 

they might be angry, but it should be directed at your abuser, and not you. if it is directed at you, that’s a really bad sign, and you might want to break up with them.

if they keep trying to initiate things even after you’ve told them, thats a really bad sign, and you definitely want to break up with them.

please dont be afraid to set boundaries. you’re allowed to have them, and you deserve to be safe.

[drmariefeuer]

Character Matters

Character Matters

You do not have to be a pathological narcissist to act like one. Many people have narcissistic tendencies and can “act out” in ways that match true narcissistic pathologies.  You are not either a narcissist or not, you can have tendencies at times that need your attention.  Narcissistic tendencies can arise from the walking wounded who continue to avoid their inner work, their inner healing, unconsciously continue attention-seeking behaviors and controlling behaviors as a way to regulate, contain, and sublimate their unhealed emotions.

These are often covert, co-dependent type people who cannot speak up for their own needs and boundaries and instead consistently manipulate everyone around them because when they were helpless children that is what they had to do to survive. However, now they are adults, capable of having the courage to heal. And it will take courage. And it will take actions and behavior changes and all of that means taking risks, or what will feel like risks.

What do some of these manipulations look like? Under-functioning or presenting as the victim: (See Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy): so that people around them will do all the work, all the emotional labor of the relationship. People pleasing: In order to win complements but also so that one will not be held accountable or responsible for actions, behaviors or choices. “I was only doing what you wanted me (or “pushed” me) to do. Seduction: Flirting, using “subtle” sexuality (such as a focus on always looking good, dressing subtly sexy, sending subtle sexy vibes not really wanting sex, and so much more) on a regular basis, usually in all encounters and with both sexes as a way to ensure that one will receive “love”, attention and again as a way to avoid accountability and responsibilities. After all, s/he is so “cute” and “nice” surely s/he “just made a mistake” and “didn’t mean to do it” as they blow off another responsibility or work or commitment. Silence: By not talking one “gleans” information in order to constantly “figure out” what to say, how to say it, even when to laugh or cry on cue in order to “fit in” yet remain “invisible and therefore again, not be held accountable for any choices because their choices remain hidden in the silence and apparent acquiescence by using all their energy to “blend in” with the current company. Choosing to have relationships with wounded people: By unconsciously or consciously choosing to pursue relationships with people in trouble (divorce, depression, going through big changes, walking wounded, sexual abuse survivors, etc.) and presenting yourself as in a “better place” one is able to “look good”, like a rescuer or a hero and because one is now in a position of being “needed” by a needy person and again this is a built in exit door where one can slide out of responsibilities and accountabilities. After all, if you are “needed” you can count on the other person not risking losing you by holding you accountable to your commitments, choices, and responsibilities or your behaviors. All will be “forgiven”  because the person in need, needs you.

You don’t have to be a narcissist to have narcissistic tendencies or behaviors, especially covert narcissistic tendencies so don’t get hung up on the label. If you cannot set and hold boundaries, if you cannot directly hold to your commitments or honestly renegotiate them if circumstances change, if you cannot in general express your opinion or tolerate diversity and differences (instead of always guessing how to “fit in”, if you tend to  hang out with needy people only, or people who you sense are physically attracted to you or what you have to offer—or what they imagine you have to offer because you present that, you have some work to do and behaviors to clean up . As you learn to identify them, you can choose to heal and learn new responses and behaviors…. or not. But at the very least, start to own your choices.  For more detailed information on this material, see Dr. George Simon’s book titled Character Disturbances.

How does on respond when coming up against these covert, often (but not always) unconscious behaviors? Again, I refer you to Dr. Simon’s book as well as his interviews on YouTube and as Dr. Ramani’s work on narcissism on YouTube.  Stop giving people, adults, “a break”. That is how they got this way in the first place. You are not their therapist or their emotional cure or punching bag. Set boundaries, hold them accountable for respecting your boundaries and also for honoring their commitments, and expect outrages responses, everything from victim manipulation to rage. Yes they don’t know any better, but letting it go only reinforces the behaviors. And you have a right to your needs, desires, and boundaries and to expect reasonable commitments and renegotiation of commitments whether they be personal or professional.

If the person is inconsequential to you, yes, walk away. It’s not worth it. It is not worth having to go through the always victim manipulative, or silence (expecting you to do the emotional labor to fix the situation or conversation), or retaliatory attacks. Retaliatory attacks can be physical, withholding sex, setting a retaliatory ���boundary” “right back at you”, and verbal attacks often cleverly disguised as (unasked for) “feedback”.  My wounded students often start analyzing me and critiquing me as a form of retaliation when they feel threatened (their image/ego is blown or exposed) or when they are being held accountable, instead of bringing up issues when things are calm and good which is the time to bring up issues to discuss and make changes as needed. These kinds of retaliatory actions, behaviors and choices (and there are others) are excellent red flags to identify the narcissistic defensive behaviors of the walking wounded who will lash out rather than risk problem solving. And it is not worth going through all of these if the person is not someone important to you.

People think conflict and conflict resolution are red flags. Yes they can be, depending on how it is handled and the subject matter. But choosing silence and keeping the peace as a priority over becoming a better person, or having a better relationship means you are choosing to protect your ego at all costs. The nice a polite culture is, currently, a scourge and a plague. If you love someone or care about them, you are willing to go through the labor of love to work things out and will choose that over your need to look good, be right, get by, keep the peace, hide in silence, flee, retaliate or other choices of control. Conflict resolution takes a willingness to give up control of your emotions and your ego, in order to listen, hear and negotiate. Meditation, prayer, spiritual practices are needed and are excellent. But they are not meant as an escape from responsibilities nor are they a substitute for hard actions that need to be taken in order to evolve in this lifetime, should you choose to walk that Path. Life itself will force you to grow, or you can risk jumping into the growing yourself without waiting for life circumstances becoming so difficult and painful that you have to make changes. It is your choice. Either choice will require risks and hard actions.

Below is a link to Brene Brown’s podcast discussing how white folds prefer to feel comfortable, be nice and polite, rather than become a better person. Why did I post this? Because becoming an anti-racist is related to becoming an authentic person. It is a choice, not (at this time) a necessity. Giving up your covert controlling narcissistic behaviors is also a choice. You can get away with it for a lifetime. Becoming a better person is a choice. You can stay with your current behaviors and choices and just keep “moving on” rather than stay and grow. This podcast addresses the subtle nuances of the heart and courage and commitment it takes to become a better person, a more spiritual person, a more authentic person. While it uses anti-racism as an example, it is applicable to any set of behaviors you have discovered in yourself that you now feel compromises who you are, your quality of life, your quality of being.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bren%C3%A9-austin-channing-brown-on-im-still-here-black/id1494350511?i=1000477381573

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Journey On.

Dr. Marie

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