#but legit i wake up in the exact same state as i fell asleep in. like my mood doesnt change and really its been taking only a couple

[happiiest]

😷

[fi-chanwrites]

:o omg could i get some hcs of todoroki and kaminari and maybe aizawa with a s/o who's sleep schedule's gone all kinds of weird bc of quarantine? thank u!

AHHHH MY FIRST BNHA IM EXCITED.

Quarantine = No Sleep

Todoroki Shoto

Lets be real, this boy would keep the most regular sleep schedule

he is in bed for 11pm every night and awake for 6 am every morning

he would wake up and text you every morning to check if you were asleep. You never are.

You phone him as soon as he’s awake so you can talk to him before you sleep the day.

always fall asleep on the phone and h/e finds it absolutely adorable.

“are you not getting enough (y/n)-chan? That’s bad for you, you need to get regular sleep to function properly.”

“But shooooo, I don’t need to function properly... its quarantine”

“(y/n) it is 6 in the morning, please get some sleep darling”

“WE WILL NEVER SLEEP, COS SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK” Todoroki sighed down the phone, making you let out a giggle before yawning,

“plus I wanna talk to you more Sho, I’ve missed you” the little pout that adorned your lips made Todoroki weak, he couldn’t help but smile at you.

He saw your eyelids starting to close and heard your breathing even out, you were finally going to sleep. The cycle continued for days, you would call him when he first woke up and he had to convince you to sleep but it would be a bold faced lie if he said he didn’t love seeing your sleepy face every morning.

Kaminari Denki

We all know this boy is in the exact same boat as you.

Like he’s the one who’s been keeping you up til like 2 am on video calls

“don’t go to bed yet, I’ll miss you” complete with a pouty face and everything, like who can say no to that.

If you’re not talking on the phone then you’re texting eachother, texting “Good morning” even if its 5pm for you...

Both of you are vibing with bags under your eyes, living your best/worst lives

“are you falling asleep? its only 5am, thats weak”

“shut up Denki I’m tired lemme sleep for once”

You two would fall asleep on ft almost every night, like you’ll fall asleep and he just won’t hang up. He finds your breathing calming and it lulls him to sleep himself

“How long have we been on call now baby?” you asked him, yawning which just drove your point forward.

“ummm it says eight hours bumble bee” he smirked, already knowing that you were about to fall asleep again.

About five minutes later you were out like a light, Denki laid the phone near his pillow on his bed. All he could hear were the soft rises and falls of your chest as you breathed heavily. It was five in the morning on a Monday, normally the twoof you would have to be up in only an hour but of course quarantine ruined that.

He missed seeing you in person everyday, being able to hold you close and kiss you, but he would have to deal with seeing you through a screen for a little while longer.

He fell asleep, content with the idea that he would be able to speak to you again tomorrow, listening to your calm breath as his lullaby

Aizawa Shouta

Living with this man, he is so done with your shit, like he can hear you crying over anime at 3am and he’s just like “wtf am I dating?”

Will stay up with over weekends when he has marking to do.

Honestly relies on your ditzy, sleep deprived state to keep him entertained while he’s working.

You’re legit sleeping the day away while he’s busy working because you’ve been let off work completely for the time being.

He’d just be spooning with you, unable to sleep because you’re still on fuckin tiktok

man is ready to throw your phone across the room, he just wants to cuddle his girlfriend dammit

Aizawa turned over to cuddle into your back only to be greeted by the glow of your phone screen, and your shoulders shaking from your silent giggles.

“You should be asleep by now kitten” he mumbled into your shoulder, kissing the exposed skin slightly, his lips tickling you with each movement.

“Just one more... I promise” 

���(y/n) you said that an hour ago too, and you will continue saying it until its morning, then you’ll just sleep all day and I won’t have anyone to keep me company”

You sighed rolling over to face him, burying your head into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Fine I’ll go to sleep... I love you” 

“ I love you too idiot”

Tagging: @gulfwanq @happynoodle

[luidilovins]

She tells me its time to wean off the Keppra since its a dangerous drug used specific for epilepsy and that the best couse of action is to see a counselor to get to "the root of the issue."

This is the kicker. You ready for this fucking rabbit hole? It's a rabbit hole that I slipped down while sitting around trying to understand what PNES was gonna be like since it seemed to be the lesser understood and least dangerous of the seizure types. It's apparently hard to treat because of it's nature but mostly I could do the work myself.

The problem is that I'm already DOING the work. I'm on medications that alreadt function as a low-grade antipsychotic and I'm talking to a therapist. This past year I've cut down on EVERYTHING to get these seizures to diminish. Vitamins, birth control, sleep schedule, i stopped smoking weed for a solid year i wrote it down in my fucking calender so the neurologist couldn't pin my issues on the occasional blunt. I went from an average of six cups of coffee to one cup and I don't drink alchohol.

I do breathing exercizes and meditation and I'm processing my traumas in controlled and manageable amounts. I do light yoga and I was doing all this in fucking... July 2019. LONG before I got a neurologist on the case so i could fucking KEEP MY JOB and stop biting holes in my tongue. I did it under the assumption that I had epilepsy because my first couple tastes of an episode were coming in and out of sleep, and then is tarted missing chunks of my evening in my waking hours while watching Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon, I was falling out of my seat onto the floor thinking i was somehow falling asleep at the EXACT same points of the Exact same episodes over and over I just couldn't get thru them.

I chalked it up as maybe a panic attack but then it started happening at work and i started SCARING PEOPLE. I'm talking lip smacking, pacing, drooling, banging my elbow against the steel in the back room. Falling over. Disappearing and wandering off for an hour with no reccolection of doing it. It was night and day. Before that I was the model resus monkey.

One evening it happened in the shower I sliped and fell and I couldn't get up, my thighs blocked off the drainage and when I woke up I was face deep in an inch and a half of water and I was inhaling it. I started washing myself with baby wipes.

I talked to my therapist. Told him it was uncharicatistic and it was scaring me and my coworkers and I wasnt in control of my body. The jerking was fucking hurting my body. I was walking in front of motorized veichicles and forklifts and I wasnt even aware of my surroundings.

I WASHED ALL THE WINDOWS IN MY HOUSE WITH WHITE VINEGAR IN CASE THERE WAS BLACK MOLD BECAUSE I KNOW ITS PREVELANT IN THIS STATE. JUST IN CASE.

I tried to watch the Incredibles 2 and I felt my jaw lock up before waking up to the end credits nearly an hour later and I did that THREE TIMES before calling it quits on the movie.

I figured "Hey im autistic which gives me a 35% increas of risk of epilepsy, and my autistic brother was tested for epilepsy years back. Maybe all my daydreaming as a kid were staring spells and I'm developing tonic clonics with age/stress. It's legit a thing that happens."

I started the lengthy process of getting a doctor. First one wouldnt talks Tricare Prime. I couldn't go on military posts to see my PCM and no civilan doctor would take me. I had to wait until January to switch from Prime to Select because my other option was changing fucking zip codes.

I found a doctor who believed me and he got me a neurology appointment but by that time I had maybe four hours in paid sick time off and Wal-Mart's Sedgwick denied my claim because I didn't have a proper diagnosis just a doctors note with the anti seuzure meds I'm taking, My manager told me if it was such a big deal I would have "gotten it checked out by now" and he fucking fired me the FIRST oppertunity that presented even though I was the second longest memeber on the team. I lost my job in February.

Then Corona happened and my neurology appointments were shut down on the spot.

This is getting too long im gonna make a part 2

PART 2

So I've been fairly quiet about my current state, mainly because ive been inching up on my dosage of antidepressants and I'm too out of my mind to collect my thought sbut I'll fuckin do my best.

Just got off the phone with my neurologist. And judging from the last time i spoke with her after my EEG WHICH BY THE WAY SHE CANCELED THE FOLLOWUP TWICE BEFORE I HAD THIS TERRIBLE PHONE APPOINTMENT ITS LITERALLY A MONTH LATER, I had a hunch on how this was gonna go.

[smuttyfairy]

Admin Smuttyfairy @ BTS WINGS TOUR CONCERT IN NEWARK DAY 2

Hello peoples! Here is my very much somewhat long ass post on the concert I attended! I apologize for such a late post of this but I’ve just been so wiped out and tired since then. 

This is written over the span of the past few days since the concert so the entire thing is a little rough and much of a blur. Beware of some nonsense and small grammar errors here and there.

I will also have a list of tips for anyone who needs it (towards the bottom)!

Okay so while I have this fresh on my mind, I’ll go ahead and explain and kind of story-tell the day and everything.

So, starting Thursday night we heard that the Friday concert people were already camping out. So we kind of freaked a little and decided to go extreme but not too crazy extreme. Get what I mean?

So, we woke up at 5AM, literally rolled out of our pajamas and called and UBER to take us to prudential center. To make things worse, we all went to bed around 12-1AM (me being last to sleep of course), and at some point in the night wake up to pee at 3:30AM and couldn’t go back to sleep. SO I WAS BASICALLY RUNNING ON 2 & HALF HOURS RIP ME GUYS.

To makes matters just a tad bit worse we didn’t really eat a full meal before we left and before attending the actual concert. B r o. I was dying the whole day.

ANYWAY BACK TO 5-6AM STAKE OUT. Powerhouse was giving wristbands to GA for entrance into the center at 11AM. We get to the place and we oh roughly estimate there’s about 150-200 fans already out?? So we felt pretty good about our place in terms of getting into the concert venue itself. LORD THE COLD. I thought I was going to lose my mind. My toes were frozen, at one point I couldn’t feel my feet and man just being in the cold hurts. BUT WE SURVIVED. WE DID IT. THE WHOLE 5-6 HOUR WAIT. I say 5-6 hour wait because at 11AM they started distributing the wristbands in a careful order so it took waaaaay longer than I thought it should have. We ended up leaving the venue to go back to our hotel to get ready for the actual concert maybe around 12-1:30??? And we had to get back by 3PM since Admin Wangfairy and our other friend had soundcheck.

So we split up, Admin Kookfairy and another friend of ours, we attempt to find merch but of course it’s all sold out (cries af) except for towels and the 2nd version BTS lightsticks. I also wanted to try out the BTS photobook but the line was sooosoosoossosooooooo long and we had to get in line for our GA access at 5-530PM (honestly can’t remember) Bc they wanted us in our numbered ordered and of course that was difficult af.

Anyway, 5:30PM or so rolls on and the four of us booked (but not really Bc security didn’t want us to run) it as soon as we got scanned in and everything. Admin Wangfairy was in P1 and our other friend and myself were in P2.

The wait was long but doable. I met a few nice people there and even sat and took a rest for my feet and legs for a bit since I was practically low on energy and everything. I was actually ready to just pass tf out when I sat down tho hahaha. RIP. I was really tired y'all.

Anyway, our friend and I were in the middle, pretty somewhat decently close to the stage but not close up to be noticed or touched. MVs were playing and the fans would sing along and scream and sing fanchants while the stadium slowly filled up.

By 7:30 the music was blasted much louder than before and then finally after the last MV played, the intro VCR played. BRO THAT WAS A LIT INTRO VCR THO.

Anyway, after the VCR the boys come up and ohhhhh my godddd. I’ve been to a few other KPOP concerts before but I’ve never firsthand experienced being in a GA PIT standing. B R O. ITS AS WILD AS EVERYONE SAYS. Like if you’re not by the barricade/rails near the stage then your kinda fucked, especially if you’re in the mush of the inner crowd. As soon as BTS dropped into the scene I was being pushed all over, forward and side to side oh my godddd. My position itself shifted multiple times. I even lost my friend and got worried Bc she’s such a smol.

Another thing, I’m flipping short y'all and some people were tol or had their phones up. Like I couldn’t see the main stage BTS performed on :/ it was disappointing for me :( and like I already hadn’t eaten anything nor drunk enough water throughout the day like I’m supposed to and I had to deal with people shoving and pushing in the crowd with sweat and our bodies touching. It was very gross and grimey and damn I was a sweating mess.

OK SO. Of course the first song that is performed is Not Today and ohhh my god when the curtain dropped and the music played and the dramatic and rude ass sexual gotmefeelingsometypeofwaybutimstillhypeaf look was showed on the screens shiittttt I couldn’t even believe I was seeing BTS in the golden af flesh. LEGIT THEY ARE ALL MORE BEAUTIFUL IN PERSON COMPARED TO WHAT YOU SEE THROUGH PICTURES AND FANCAMS (It was the same for EXO & GOT7 too yall). OK BACK TO NOT TODAY. I COULDNT BELIEVE MY EYES. THEY WERE SO TAN, SO GLIMMERING AND SHINING AND REAL??? And ohhhh my god. Y'all know I’m a huge hoe for Jungkook but god dAmn Taehyung with the headband and just the way he LoOkEd overall IT HAD ME FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAY (Im starting go relive my tae feels can y'all tell).

I can’t remember the exact order of the songs they performed because it really went by so fast even though the entire concert was 2 and a half hours. I recorded a few performances and I took a couple (maybe many) pics of Jungkook towards the end when he was standing still (I’ll upload these when I get home). Nonetheless, I definitely enjoyed and partied it up with the crowd when I was recording. I really took in the performances and tried to get a good glimpse of the boys but they were on the main stage so it was difficult to see especially when people were in front of me and had their army bombs and cameras up in the air (I was on my toes too).

When Jungkook’s solo stage came on I seriously stopped breathing Bc *sniff* THATS BABE YALL. His voice and beauty and moves and just everything is so unreal he has so much stamina and he’s so built, his thighs are as thick we all see them in pics and just oh. My. God. Jeon Jungkook is a golden beauty and I swear I’ve never been so in love with an idol like this. AND BOOOOIIIII he was sweating SO MUCH. HE SWEAT TF OUT OF HIS SHIRT YOU COULD SEE HIS CHEST THROUGH THE SWEAT ON HIS SHIRT. Y'all know I was screaming my head off.

The next solo stage was Jiminnieboo and omfggg. Listen yall, it was sin af. The lights were red and I swear his top was so low you could see a pec if he bent over a bit. You think suffering through the screen of watching his fancams and the short film of Lie was bad? LORDDDDD. JUST LISTENING TO IT AND WATCHING IT ON THE BIG SCREEN LIVE AND SEEING FROM THE TIPS OF MY TOES ABOVE THE TALL ASS STAGE WAS EVEN WORSE. Never have I ever wanted to suffer so much more by watching this performance. And watching him just dance is so hot like omfg it was great, I love not breathing air and holy shit when he put the blindfold on, I lost my shit and wanted to fling myself in a pit of fire as I’m sure everyone else in the stadium did too. I’m sure at this point I was so focused on just trying to suffer I ended up gawking and staring up at the screen with drool running down the corner of my mouth.

The next solo stage was Yoongs’ and holy jesus Christ when his VCR came on I was so shook af???? LIKE THE VCR IDK MAN??? IT WAS SO ATTRACTIVE JUST SEEING HIS FACE AND SHIT BEING ANGSTY AND HOT AND JUST BEING YOONGI???? LIKE IDK MAN THIS ERA WITH THE BLACK HAIR KINDA FUCKS ME UP???? BUT ANYWAY. Can u believe he rose from the stage leaning all cool and shit against the piano. LIKE B O I YESSSS. And then he drops the first line from his song and suddenly all the screaming you hear comes to a halt? Was that just my mind doing that? :’) His stage was beautiful yall…I can’t believe I heard and watched Min Yoongi perform his solo song :’) Unfortunately it was performed on the main stage so, the struggle was real yall.

After that, MY FAV SONG COMES ON YALL. L O S T. THE BOYS ROSE FROM THE EXTENDED STAGE IN FRONT OF P2. HOLY SHIT THE CROWD WAS WILDT AF AND THERE WAS SO MUCH SHOVING AND PUSHING AT THIS TIME IT WAS FLIPPING ANNOYING AND CRAZY.

But anyway, below is a pic of how close I was :’)

I couldn’t believe I was seeing this stage so close?? And I couldn’t stop looking at Jungkook holy cow he was just so attractive man :’) And the choreo for this song is so beautiful god I can’t even explain just how enticing this performance was for me.

I’m finishing writing this two days later so my memory at this point is a blur RIP ME (I fell asleep when I started writing this and it was hours right after the concert and we spent the whole day in NYC so again couldn’t finish this). I think Namjoon was next. But man…his song Reflection. IT MAKES ME SO EMO. As soon as it dropped I got goosebumps and I just wanted to jump a cliff tbh. Whenever his lyrics “I wish I could love myself” came on, the crowd yelled “We love you” which I wasn’t expecting at all to be that loud but mannnn CHILLS AF.

The next solo stage I believe was Tae’s? I recorded this one even though he performed on the main stage but I captured the video screen! His voice is so great guys, I can’t believe the range he’s capable of :’) he’s not Jungkook or Jimin but who tf says he can’t sing bc he is Kim fucking Taehyung and he is a beautiful ass vocalist :’) how can his voice be as deep as the sea but reach the height of the empire state building?!! TT His stage was so emo, and so beautiful and emotional and jfiewaougfjawe I can’t even. I REALLY love this song too TT ARE YOU CALLING ME A SINNER

The next performance is Hobi’s!! HEY MAMAFIEOFJOFA. CAN I JUST SAY W O W. You know this shit was lit and just breath taking because this boy is such a cute sunshiny fluff ball and he’s over here performing this song about his mom :’) And even though it seems like the song is very pop and happy, there’s like that seemingly sad tone to it?? AM I MAKING ANY SENSE???? But ugh…the background screen would play clips of his past from the old eras, predebut and baby pics…my god it was just emotional to see it all there while he’s performing :’) And his energy and vocality is TT ughghhgg the stage was GREAT MAN THE STAGE WAS GREAT //SOBS// HELLO MAMA TTTTTTTTTTTT

After that is of course mama Jin :’) ughhhh this song guys :’) it emotionally wrecks me. It was just so beautiful and breathtaking to watch Jin perform this and hearing all the fans quiet down but also sing along to the song with him :’) I was so shocked that the fans were singing so loudly man and I just felt so proud and my heart clenched bc I’m pretty sure by the end of his performance Jin was on the brink of tears :’) I just felt so glad that we were able to move him in that way, even if it were just a little.

After Jin’s perf was of course C Y P H E RRRRRR WOOOOOO B RO THAT STAGE WAS L I T. LEMME TELL YOU MAN. THEY ARE RAP GODS RAP KINGS ALL SUPED UP IN THAT VELVETY DRAPE LIKE Y E S STEP ON ME???? The crowd was of course wild and jesus pit was crazy because rap line performed this on the extended stage so my ass was getting pushed all over :’) ESPECIALLY DURING FIRE MY GOD IT WAS SO ANNOYING I CANT STRESS THAT ENOUGH. But still, FIYAAAAAA OH AYE OHHHFEWAOIF. When all of the boys stepped out in those red velvet blazers holy Christ man…THEY LOOK LIKE FUCKCING KINGS??? I mean they are tbh!! After that they performed their older singles and performed 21st century girl and of course that was lit :’) I enjoyed myself here and really just hyped it up and sang along and everything!

After the ment, the next song is Boy Meets Evil. This was performed on the main stage I believe? I remember struggling to see it on stage so it must have been. After that is BST of course and all our asses get wrecked as soon as the instrumental for it drops and the boys come out on stage and get into position and then BAM. PIDDAMNUNMUL *cue moment of self black out bc I cant remember shit so I must have suffered so bad I lost my memory* But seriously though, the fanchants and fans just screaming and singing along to this song was amazing and it just felt really nice :’)

After that they did another ment and said they’d perform one last song? I think it was this one where they said it??? Or was it before BST? O_O okay well, WINGS started playing and the boys danced all over and got really hyped and interreacted with the crowd and everything! They had a dance battle during the dance break part before Hobi’s rap which was a blessing to watch on the extended stage. And then after that they all crouched in front of the camera as Hobi rapped his part and all hyped it up together and man it was a great performance.

I can’t actually remember when or where they said they were going to perform one last song but after chanting BTS a VCR came on and it was a deep one for sure. A montage of their older mvs (the most recent ones from HYYH era I think). I kinda want to watch this again because there’s a quote I saw there that I really liked TT but it was really moving bc one boy = 7 hearts?(something like that) :’)

After that, 2!3! Hoping for better days starts which I think I remember most of the fans sang along to! And then the finally song they performed was Spring Day and of course that was beautiful. I think at this point I was so wiped out the only thing I did was take it all in before the concert ended and just yelled the fanchants and sang along to the song.

Before I knew, the boys said their thanks and goodbyes and then the concert was over and the credits started rolling and the lights were back on and the boys were gone :’)

While this is not the first concert I’ve been to, I’d like to think that this was one of the best ones yet even though I suffered and stressed in pit. Eventually I found my smol friend and we met up with our other two and left the building and off to our hotel.

Anyway, that was my experience! If I had finished it the first day I started working on this it would have probably been a little more detailed so I apologize again for that :’) I hope my experience will hype you guys up for your concert day if you are attending!

- - -TIPS - - -

-Definitely get a lot of rest before the concert date starts. Eat and hydrate very well beforehand just in case you don’t have time or can’t during the day of.

-If you plan on camping out and/or staying out overnight, please make sure to check the weather and be safe and aware of your surroundings if you’re unfamiliar with the area. Also make sure to bring snacks (preferably fruit or granola bars) and water (also, try to keep it clean and don’t be one of those assholes who leave their trash on the ground and scattered all over for the wind to make an even bigger mess). Also if it’s cold af, bringing blankets and hand warmers will help to keep you warm and somehow survive.

-if you’re going alone and you’re worried about meeting people and making friends: don’t be afraid! The people around you are nice (or should be) and they are just as hyped to see BTS perform just as you are! Start a convo and ask where they’re from and who’s their bias of the group and what’s a favorite song they can’t wait to watch be performed!

-if you’re standing in pit: if you get offered a banner I would suggest you either decline it bc you won’t have the hands to hold it OR gladly take it and roll it and keep it in your bag just to store it there because when you’re in pit you will most likely only care about the performance and wanting to try and record it OR may want to just enjoy yourself without the obstruction of any other object but your phone and a bts bomb lightstick in your hands. That’s how it was for everyone in pit at my concert day.

-if you plan on buying merch: bring a bag or decent sized backpack to store your merch in! You want to try and keep from holding too many things in your hands during the concert and this will prevent you from losing things.

-the photo booth: if you plan on using the photo booth, it should be outside the venue somewhere nearby. How it works is by luck and randomness. Depending on the venue I think, you will answer a survey and receive a photocard collage of BTS. A box will be nearby and you will be given the chance to draw from the box for a chance at the photo booth. If you draw an orange ball, you will get to use the photo booth. If you do not get the orange ball, you will have to step out y fortunately :/ (I’m not sure if they let you redo it all over a second time tho). The line for this gets ridiculous.

-if you’re short and you’re standing in pit, I would suggest y'all wear something comfy for the heat (wear deodorant too) and possibly heels or platforms or boots with tall heels so you can see just above the stage and above the heads of the people around you. I was regretting I didn’t bring the tall heels I had Bc I’m sure I would have enjoyed the concert much better. :’)

-if you have signs or fanart you want to show the boys, please be aware of the people behind you and do not obstruct their view. It’s rude and unfair to them so if you’re going to do it, do it for a short time.

-what you do and how you spend your time at the concert is all on you in terms of recording and taking pictures, however I recommend you guys to enjoy the concert as best as you can and try to really embed it into your memory 💕

Good luck and have fun!

[mi-vista]

fidelito__o

Well, here’s to another sleepless night lol

For some reason no matter how hard I have tried this past year, I have NOT been able to get Fidel out of my head. Every night, the same shit.

Ever since I wrote him that letter, actually.

Fidel is something special. I was asked today “what did you like about him? Like what made you like him so much?” That really got me thinking. I couldn’t even give a straight answer. I liked everything about him. The way he carries himself, his persona, his look on life, his mentality, his heart, his dick lol, even his big ass nose with the little mole on it. There wasn’t just one thing that I liked about him. I liked him plain and simple. I knew I liked him before we started having sex. I can tell you the exact moment I knew I wanted to fuck him too. We were just chillen laying in my bed. I was faced the other way “sleeping” and he was on the opposite side knocked out. A million nasty things were going through my mind just knowing he was right there next to me... I was wet. I was wet for freakin Fidel. I texted my friend something like “omg I’m like really wet over Fidel rn. I’m just laying here and I couldn’t help myself” I know, I’m nasty lol. Sue me.

Mind you (mini back story), when I first met Fidel ummmm he was an asshole. The first time I really ever hung out with him, he walked into the room and legit stated something like “Hey you guys my name is Fidel and I’m an asshole” so I mean, he kinda lived up to it. (I will give him that this was in high school and homeboy was like 16. But still lol.) There are some things that Fidel doesn’t really know that I remember about him. Like there was this one time we were hanging out at our mutual friends house (this was like around our junior year or something like that) and he openly bragged about having a girlfriend AND fucking some tutor from another school. I know that in that same relationship, his gf cheated on him as well. His most recent ex-girlfriend and his relationship was uuhhh how you say, toxic. Point of this is, he’s an asshole & sometimes I really do question myself but... hear me out.

I didn’t know Fidel at the time. I had never really had a meaningful conversation with him so he didn’t really impact me. Until 2017. Fidel and I have the same group of friends. Fidel’s best friend is actually my best friend as well; and we are our best friend’s, best friends (if that makes sense lol). To make it a little simpler, Fidel and I have the same best friend. Somewhere towards fall of the year 2016, he and I began conversating a bit more that we usually did. We started talking about music, artist, life, perspectives, aliens, politics, sex, the future, marriage, weed, acid, drugs, brainwashing, name it, we talked about it. If we hadn’t talked about it yet, that’s a conversation that awaits. Somehow it always felt like we were just in sync. Just always on the same page. Even when we weren’t, there wasn’t even an issue, we’d just discuss what we wanted and came to a solution. Thought there was one thing that we did have an issue speaking on... our feelings.

Like I said earlier, I knew I liked Fidel before we even started having sex. We were hanging out in my dads backyard one night just talking about life and smoking some weed. We’re we’re just kinda on the topics of ourselves & talking about our personality and the way we are. He looked at me and said something along the lines of “you know Yulissa you’re really cool” and I replied “you’re pretty freakin cool too Fidel” and we just kinda smiled at each other and continued with our conversations. In that time I sat there and thought to myself “damn I really like this dude.” I know so romantic, right lol. I’m a simple girl though, if I’m feeling you, I’m feeling you. It doesn’t have to be complicated. But boy did it get complicated.

In the span of about 7 months after actually befriending him, Fidel ended up renting out a room at my grandmas place. Our best friend was moving out of his place and Fidel wasn’t able to move out with them and it just so happen that there was a vacant room. If he didn’t end up living with at my grandmas house, he would have to move to Arizona. None of us wanted him to move out there, including himself. So he moved in and boy did we really get to know each other.

Fidel and I were just friends. We talked about the girls he was flirting with, we would talk about the guys that would flirt with me. I would even give him advice here and there on things he should say to get girls lol. Then one day, I just kinda started looking at him differently. It mostly started when we started following each other here on Tumblr. I would repost some kinky shit and he would like it and vice versa. Now we both were kinda playing this little “game” I guess. Mind you we would hang out a lot even before he moved in and we followed each other long before he moved in, so this little “game” had been going on for a little while now. One day he came over to my house and mentioned a couple of my kinky posts from tumblr to which I replied “mmm no, we don’t talk about tumblr *lol*” from then on, we never really talked about it but we both knew what’s up.

I specifically remember this one post that I think is what really took us to the next level. It was a picture post of a couple text messages. The person replying said “I don’t want to ruin our friendship but I really want to fuck you” to which the other text replied “Ruin it.” Fidel liked that repost of mine. From then on, it was on.

When Fidel moved in, I spent a lot of time upstairs. We would smoke, watch Netflix or Hulu off my chrome cast and just hang out. I got in this bad habit of falling asleep in his bed and waking up at like 6:00am and dragging my ass downstairs back to my bed. A few hours later either I would wake up to a good morning text or he’d wake up to a good morning text, we would get ourselves situated, hit the gym, grab some food to eat, shower, and go to work. We had our little routine. It was really nice 💕.

One night, as I normally did, I fell asleep in his bed. He was laying next to me and outta no where he just started playing with my hair. It felt good. He got up, went to the restroom & came back. I was like half awake & he asked me if I wanted to lay normally like horizontally on the bed. I agreed, layed down and got comfy. When I tell you, I don’t know what came over me. I do not know what came over me lol but I was just laying there, thinking a million nasty things that I wanted to do. So my ballsy ass starts lightly touching him. Stroking my fingers along his ribs, stomach, hips, pelvis, until I reached his dick and lightly started feeling on it. Boy did I like what I felt. He chuckled and said “I knew you were trying to play with me” I giggled and replied “I’m not just trying to play with you” he paused and we talked for a minute. He asked me what I was thinking and kinda what my intentions were. I just told him that I didn’t want to think. I just kinda wanted to do. I don’t really think he liked my response too much, but I didn’t want to scare him off with my feelings. I was pretty insecure about myself and I didn’t want him to know how deep my feelings for him really ran. A part of me also didn’t want to get hurt in the case that he didn’t feel the same. So I put up an emotional wall lol. What I REALLY wanted to say was something like “Idk I just really like you and I want to see where this goes” or even “You’re something different and I just want to show you how much I like you.” But that didn’t happen. So we ended up laying there for a minute he asked if I would just want to cuddle, I agreed and we layed there for a minute. Then I started playing with my tongue ring a little bit. Sliding it across my teeth. He then says “Maybe you could just taste me?” I asked if he was sure... he was sure lol. I sat up, pulled off his shorts, his boxers and licked his dick all over. In the midst of his moaning, I looked at him and said “I want you to fuck me,” “oh yeah?” He asks, I nodded yes. He lays me down, back on the bed, feet in the air, knees to my ears. He slides his dick into my wet pussy. I had never felt so good in my life. I could feel him, all of him. Stroking back and forth. Fuck he felt so good. My toes were curling, my guys we’re rearranging, my heart was pounding, my body temperature was rising, I was cumming. He had to cover my mouth just so I wouldn’t wake up the house. I was a loud one.

We finished, we got up and got ourselves situated. Before we started up, we set a couple of rules. I set the whole,

No kissing

No touching

No cuddling rules

He set the whole,

No spending the night

No falling in love rules

We accepted and continued on.

We had a good arrangement, I can’t really explain what happened after that. We had A LOT of fun and a lot of sex. This went on for a few months. In this time span, he was still texting other girls, flirting with other girls and I was texting and flirting with other guys as well. We were still playing this weird tumblr game. I was also kinda trying to send him some subtle messages on my blog to hint that I had feelings for him. It was a weird and bit confusing time. One day I just kinda had enough. We would have pretty good sex but I wasn’t able to totally open myself up sexually with him because of the fact that I wasn’t really like “his girl.” There were things that I wanted to do to and for him but we had set rules and boundaries. Also, Fidel was on the fence about moving back home to Arizona, so even if he did reciprocate those feelings, that would be a whole other conversation about a long distance relationship that I know I can’t have with him. With anyone really. I need my man to be within driving distance when I need him. So I ended the sex.

After already leaving the house, I had come back because I had forgotten something in my room. I knocked on his door and walked up, I told him that I needed to talk to him real quick. I asked him if he had feelings for me, he looked at me nervously, scratched the back of his head and replied uhh, no” I say “okay cool, just wanna make sure.” He questions me & I say to him, “I think we should end this.” He seemed confused and asked “end what?” I said, “the sex” he looked at me nervously, hand scratching the back of his head and calmly says “oh, why didn’t you just say that?” I explained that I didn’t really know how to say it and I have never been in a situation like this before. I just wanted to acknowledge his feelings and just wanted everything to be cool. I asked if we were good, he said we were good & we went back to being friends for a little, sorta.

He started fucking around with other girls after, still texting and flirting with other chicks. I was wildin out too, messing around with other guys, going on dates and stuff. But somewhere within all that there was still something between us.

I ended the sex for a handful of reasons.

1. He wasn’t my man

2. He was moving to Arizona

3. We were playing games

4. We both didn’t want a relationship in the beginning

5. I wanted to make sure my feelings were real for him even without the sex.

I remember the day I fell in love with Fidel as if it were yesterday. My mom and I had plans to spend the day in Rosarito, MX. I was thinking about inviting Fidel with us but I didn’t know if my mom wanted it to be like a mommy/daughter day or whatever so I didn’t mention it. My mom actually mentioned inviting him and I agreed and asked if he was busy that day. Fortunately, he was available. We picked him up and went off for the day. We get to Mexico, run some errands, drink some drinks, eat some good food, and somehow we end up on some campground in between Rosarito & Popotla. They have a bar there so Fidel and I get a drink. We’re getting a little tour of the camp ground and we drive up to these private fancy cabins they have on the highest part of the campground. We’re walking through the room and the guide says something in Spanish like “yeah there are fun things to do up here” i thought to myself “yeah this be a dope place to fuck” and then Fidel says out loud to himself “this would be a dope place to fuck” I looked back at him shocked and said “ I was literally thinking the same exact thing rn omg” and we just looked at each other and started giggling. We started walking back to the car and I just kinda stared at him for a moment. The sun was hitting his face right. He was holding that beer bottle pretty sexy like and in that moment I just felt so much love for that man. I looked at him and smiled, he smiled back. The rest of the day was just awesome. We were all listening and singing to Latino music and just having a great time. My mom dropped us off at my pops place and we sobered up, smoked a bowl and we’re just hanging there for a minute. It was quiet but like a comfortable quiet. Then he just started playing this really old, like 50’s love song. (Mind you, music was our thing. That was a way that we both expressed our emotions. Music was our emotional outlet) In my peripheral vision I could see him looking at me. I was really nervous and didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing. I starred downward and spun my phone back and forth. I will admit. In my mind, he just said that he loves me. A minute later he asks me if I am still down to hit the gym, I gladly say yes and we got to the gym.

About a week after that, we were in a weirder place. It’s like there was something that we needed to talk about but never did. I really wanted to talk about it tho. I couldn’t find the balls to do it. So I wrote him a letter.

Yes, there is physical proof out there of my love for Fidel *heavy sigh*

In the letter I explained to him pretty much everything that I explained in this post, give or take some stuff. I told him how much he truly meant to me, when I first realized I liked him, when I first realized I loved him, and how deep my love runs for him.

The letter was really more for me that it was for him. I had a history of bottling up my emotions, especially when it comes to guys that I am interested in or have feelings for. I tend to just keep them to myself and watch the guy I love be with another girl. I couldn’t do that this time though. I had to say something. So I folded up the letter put it in an envelope and left it on his chair in his room. To top it off, I have it to him on my 20th birthday. I know right. It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to lol. Which I did.

He opened it.

We distanced ourselves from each other.

He picked a date to move back to Arizona.

September 21st, 2017 was our best friends 21st birthday gold theme party. I’m a procrastinator so I didn’t pick out my outfit til the day of. And when I tell y’all I looked GOOD I looked freakin good lol. I tweaked the color a little and threw on some Rose Gold pulled up to the party looking fly as fuck. When I walked into the party, I was like the highlight of the night lol everyone was coming up to me so excited to see me and what not. I kinda felt like a little celebrity lol. I look over to the beer pong tables and there’s Fidel playing beer pong with some rando girl. Instantly killed my mood. I didn’t even say hi to him cause I was being petty lol. Go play with you little gf *shrugs*. I was heated tho lol.

Quick backstory, there’s this dude that worked at 24 Hour Fitness with my best friend. His name is Max and Max is fine. Okay he is fine. Max and I had a little vibe going on, for a little while too but we never really got too into it lol.

Okay, continuing now.

I’m saying hi to everyone and I say what’s up to this guy Max. We’ve flirted here and there before and I have mention in front of Fidel and friends that he is fine and that he can get it lol but I wasn’t really all that serious. I mean he could but I’m not that easy haha. Anyway, I didn’t say hi to Fidel so once I got seated and comfortable he actually came up and said hi to me. Gave me a little kiss on the cheek talked for a sec then I did my own thing. At some point I ended up with my girly friend at the little buffet table of snacks they had out and I was up there munchin on some chips when Max approaches me. We start up a light conversation. Talking about him and how he’s doing. When Fidel RUDELY walked right in between Max and I in the midst of our conversation. Max & I looked at each other like “okay...” and continued the conversation. Throughout the night, Max and I were eyeing each other and talking it up here and there. By the end of the night, I was standing off on my own for a second and he approaches me again. Slides his hand behind my lower back and asks me what I’m going to be up to after the party. I look up and Fidel is right off the the side of us. Just kinda staring. I look at Max, respond with “nothing much, I need another drink though” I walked off, went it to the garage to grab another drink and contemplated on what my next move was. I walked back out and just stuck with my friend for the rest of the night lol. The night was ending and I’m saying my good byes to everyone. I run into Fidel and make sure he’s good with a ride home and if he wanted any food or anything. He’s good.

October 2017.

We’re at our best friends, family’s Halloween party. I finally pull up to the party, everyone hyped to see me lol. We have an awesome night partying being drunk. Shit pops off, Andre is wildin. We calm the beast down and it’s time for me and Fidel to head home. My mom finally picks us up and we’re heading back to the house. We’re almost home when Fidel asks me if I have a spare key to his room. Apparently he had left his at our friends house. I let him know I didn’t have it and he says “it’s okay, I’m not going to be staying the night at home anyway.” My heart dropped. I got quiet. We got home. I went inside and then decided I wanted to smoke a little bowl, so I went back outside and Fidel followed. I packed us a couple bowls. We smoked and he says “I got your letter”

He told me that my letter was “cute” and that he loves me just “not in that way” and that he cares a lot about me. I put my emotional wall up and told him that it’s okay and that I won’t make him feel bad for it. Which I never feel like I did. I told him the letter was mostly for me to finally be able to express my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. He understood. I told him how much he truly meant to me. Even then, I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to but I did the best I could in the emotional state I was in. For fucks sake I was drunk off my ass and high as a fuckin kite. I was a mess lmao. Anyway, the chick that he’s spending the night with pulls up to pick him up. He goes inside to grab his things, comes back out. As I’m going inside he stops me, gives me the absolute biggest hug and says to me “I love you” I hug him tighter. We smile at each other and continue on. The next day, he packed all his shit and moved to Arizona.

Fin.