#but jfc can you imagine you get a date

[midnightkolrath]

Oh that’s….

That’s….very unfortunate

Especially when what happens after?

Yeeeaaahhh…..

[ghoulphile]

so I realized after writing that last thing that horny old man Coop is my weakness SO WERE DOING MORE

Can you imagine the dates he'd take you on? How much he'd spoil you rotten? At first Coop would definitely try to say it's so some guy your age doesn't impress you with the bare minimum. You need a real gentleman to take you out to understand what it's like to be treated like the proper young woman you are. Of course, he'd tell you as such, too. Saying how lovely you are, how you'll make some boy really happy one day. Once they're old enough to learn how to treat you right, that is. He would take you out to fancy restaurants where you would practice the proper etiquette for dates; how to hold a sophisticated conversation for adults, how manage and advocate for yourself, and how to please. You need to know how to feel good and how to make someone feel good. He doesn't want you to have no experience. This is for you.

That's why you're sitting in the passenger seat of his fancy car, lips wrapped around his cock as Coop whispers praise so filthy it makes your pussy twitch. Why when he caresses you hallowed cheek and gathers your hair up into his tight fist, his fingertips brushing along the earrings he bought you. A gentleman would make sure your hair wasn't in you face after all. He guides your head up and down, a valuable teaching moment for the perfect pace. "See, sweetie," He would drawl out, his tongue darting out to wet his dry mouth. "This how you thank someone for taking you out to such a fancy restaurant." His hips rolling into your eager mouth. He would tilt his head back, little himself get lost in the blissful sensation of warm, wet, and so very tight. He really should pace himself before he grabs you and sits you in his lap, fucks his way inside and let's you soak his nice slacks. He would chuckle when he sees his hand slide under your dress and between your plump thighs, scratching at your scalp in a soothing encouragement. "Don't be shy. Touchin' yourself is perfectly natural. Good girl, for taking the reigns." He moans, eager to let you explore yourself and him.

He wouldn't be a very good teacher if he didn't.

"This how you thank someone for taking you out to such a fancy restaurant." 👁️👄👁️ excuse me?! you can't just say things like that aiuhfuisafhsufsjkfhsk

cooper howard said that to me and caressed my face? he's getting the gawk gawk 3000 jfc 💀

[sugar-omi]

WAITTT but imagine if cove and mc can actually get out the door to their dinner date w/o dropping everything to fuck!! i fear at the restaurant cove would be an absolute menace of a tease the entire time, pleading w/ you to let him touch you cuz this man just wants you SOOO BAD YOU LOOK SO GOOD HOW CAN HE NOT?-$’ wit

or he’s like super whiny about it all, he just wants out of here so he can touch on you without repercussions dudes practically BEGGINGGG for yall to go home cuz he’s just sooo hard he can’t stand it OH EM GEE MOOTIE

bonus points yall end up doing at the restaurant YK WHAT IM SAYIN AHHH

jfc I think abt that way too much!!! and while the thought is so tantalizing, so arousing that it makes you fucking sick with need. it'd be so dangerous to fuck cove in a public place

you know he can't be quiet. and he's laying pipe so well, working your body so well that it'd be impossible for you to stay quiet too...

before either of you give in, his desire for you is so obvious to everyone. you'd sit at the table, and cove would move his chair so he's sitting next to you instead of in front of you, and while you're trying to browse the menu, he's shaking his leg... then watching you impatiently as you decide on your order.

"cove... knock it off." you hiss, gripping his traveling hand on your thigh.

"i'm sorry.. you jus look so good right now..." he purrs, nuzzling his nose under your ear, his lips placing fluttering kisses along your jaw.

it's a good thing the restaurant is dark, one of those fancy, lowlit romantic restaurants that may or may not have any business being this expensive depending on how good the food is.

he barely pulls himself together long enough for the waiter to take your order and leave.

while you're waiting, there's a bit of small talk between you. maybe you're on a well-deserved vacation and raving about the activities he planned for you two earlier that day, or how boring work was and that you looked forward to this date so much. that you missed him..

and he just looks so in love, leaning in his elbow, watching you with those heart eyes.

but when you aren't looking, his eyes are trailing over you, along your collarbone, following the lines of your body and expanse of your pretty skin, perhaps your necklaces twinkling in the candle light, until his eyes find your chest, biting his lip as he imagines what's underneath.

because you know he watched you get ready, saw you take a long time in the bath until you smelt good and looked even better, than helped you put on lotion, any jewelry, "helped" you do your hair or makeup by hugging your waist and kissing your neck.

watched you pull on all your clothes. he knows what underwear is underneath that outfit, and while he loves it on you. he wants it on the floor, with your legs on his shoulders, and he wants to go down on you until you're squirming, crying even. and only then will he--

has to break out of it when the food comes. forces a smile and a polite thank you even though his jeans are getting tight, and his mind is hazing with lust. wanting nothing more than to bend you over the table...

he stuffs down this overbearing lust long enough for you two to eat. but you can't even get the last bite in your mouth before he's leaning into you again, his big hand on your thigh, gripping and squeezing the flesh. [his hand high up your skirt] it's like his body heat is marking you. a simple touch from him as your body flaring up, squirming and squeezing your thighs as he brushes his fingers against your clothed sex...

"please.. i wanna be close to you, and you look so sexy tonight..." he pants right into your ear, sound desperate. out of breath. pleading.. "ion wanna wait until we get back.."

you tense, chewing your food as you try to hold your resolve. he's so enticing.. if it wasn't illegal, and perhaps too embarrassing for the both of you. you'd take him right now.

"cove..." you try to ignore his kisses on your jaw and neck. your voice strained, and you can feel him smirk against your skin. "you're not gonna die if we don't fuck right now."

although you might if he doesn't get his hand off your sex, his fingers stroking your clit through the fabric / his palm groping your filling bulge.

"i might." he grins widely, mischievously. you can even hear the teasing tilt in his voice but you can't focus on it, or his cockiness, when he bites down lightly on your skin.

removes your hand from your face when you stifle your moan, your cheeks hot and eyes cut at him. the restaurant is full, and while everyone seems to be focused on their food or business, you're in public.

but everything melts in the face of those sweet blue eyes, so wide and deep like the ocean, dark waves pulling you under when he pulls you into a kiss, his lips addictive on your tongue.

he kisses you like he's putting a spell on you, and he probably is, probably has because you've been with him for over 10 years, known each other for longer. you can't get enough of him, ever.

and you always find yourself rolling along with his tricks. because when he pulls away, your heart breaks. you want him. wanna feel his touch and his hot skin, his moans in your ear and his hands pulling you into him, drawing his name from the depths of your chest in a cry of escatsy.

"okay..." you breathe out, lips parting, wet and trembling. you're a mess from a simple kiss, although his teasing hand under the table has a lot to do with it..

you sneak away after asking the waiter for dessert, hoping that the recent ask will at least let them stay off your trail even though you might not be at the table once it comes.

you can't even bring yourself to care that much, because cove's hands are pulling up your clothes and tugging down your bottoms..

he wouldn't be above going down on you right here and now either, especially if you don't protest. and if you're afab, don't worry about sitting your ass on the questionable sink or toilet, just throw your leg over his shoulder and let him hold up your weight. just spread your legs, hold your skirt or shirt up, and lean forward for him...

that's too long though. i need a separate post for that...

he finally sinks into you. don't ask me if he has a condom on hand, that's up to you... but I also like to imagine him fucking you so well, so desperately, the sex has your mind spiralling at the thrill of possibly being caught, being heard.

and on top of that, having to go back to the table with his cum stuffed into your bullied insides, his cum hot and sticky and you have to make sure no cum was left on the floor, embarrassingly, shyly wiping up your mess. wiping up the line of cum running down your shaky thighs.

and now you have to sit and squirm while eating your dessert, his cum pooling in your undies and you're so paranoid about leaving any spots on your clothes. maybe it's just the anxiety talking, but you feel like everyone knows. you feel like the waiter can see through you, and when you walk out you worry that everyone knows something..

anyway anyway...

my whole point is, cove would be so loud. really, you're playing a dangerous game here.

because he tries to be quiet he really does.. he thrusts in and out so slowly... almost like you're making love for the first time again.

but he can't put up with this, you grinding back into him isn't enough, your butt meeting him in the middle with a muffled clap from his clothes in between to muffle the sound..

it's not enough. the strategic maneuvers of your hips isn't good enough, he needs to feel you tight and hot around him, your load moans bouncing off these walls and your strangled cries for more as he fucks you harder and harder against this wall.

he knows it's animalistic. he isn't usually so fucking horny, so desperate. so feral. but he just needs more, needs to scratch that deep itch and climb impossible highs together.

mumbles something, you can't hear. not when he speaks so lowly and you can still hear the hustle and bustle outside, your ears seemingly stuffed with cotton.

"ah-!" you cry so pretty, and cove's groan echos off the wall. this is bad, you're too noisy. the audible plap plap plap of his thrusts echo off the tiles and you can't catch the moans and whimpers that slip out, and even with cove gritting his teeth, he still curses and groans, his gravely voice purring out praises.

if someone got close, they'd hear. in fact, maybe they can already. you don't know how thick these walls are, definitely not enough to hide the cries and groans and gumbled mantra of your man babbling about how good you feel, you're so pretty, so hot, so perfect. he loves you, loves you so much...

if he wasn't loud already, when he gets close you better kiss him, or stuff your fingers in his mouth, let him suck and drool all over the two digits, eyes lidded and fluttering, cheeks flushed as he inches closer n closer..

he'd be so receptive to your dirty talk too. go ahead and tell him how nasty it is he can't even wait to get home, how he's so needy and cute. say whatever you want, he's eating it up the entire time.

ohh and if you bring up someone listening, just for this i want him to like it. want him to tremble and burst with pleasure and need at the thought that's someone's listening to him fuck you, wish they were either one of you because your moans sound so pretty, the passion obviously hot from the other side of the door...

after cleaning up, you'd both all but run out of there. but even if cove laughs nervously, or acts shy, embarrassed. he can't hide his damn glow, or how happy he is with himself.

[lightlycareless]

Hey I'm sorry for spamming you again 😭

But... imagine Y/N and Naoya pulling this prank on Naomi. I get that Naomi would be so mad at both of them

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1cVXQwrHjV/?igsh=MWhrd3pvdWt4Nml2dQ==

Hello!!!

Sorry for the late reply, but I have to say, this never left my mind. This was really cuuuuuteeeeeeeee!!!!!!! I just had to oblige omg and don't worry about spamming me, I love it keep it coming!!!

You know what I think? Naoya is actually the one to suggest this. By doing so is when  when you know he’s completely accepted his role as a father and is enjoying doing so. Jfc thank you for sending in this NOW ONTO THE DRABBLE.

Warnings: none. Fluff. Naomi is a growing baby :’).

Naoya didn’t have any social media presence before you.

No, scratch that. He had a presence, only that it entailed stalking following you back then when he barely started to know you.

Once the two began to date, you convinced him to open up a proper Instagram, mainly so you could fill it with posts of you and him together, tag him on your pictures, and to make it easier to share things whenever the two are apart.

However, when you two finally have a beautiful daughter named Naomi, everything changes.

Besides opening an account of her own (only for friends and family of course, everyone else can jump off a cliff for all they care) to record of her day by day, from the cute matching outfits you’d dress her in, to her achievements, or simply anything she did that you found remotely funny.

Naturally, Naoya keeps up with every single thing that you post + all the messages you send him regarding his family; he is the first one to like and react and all in between as soon as you post them, and soon, he’s even looking for inspiration on what else to fill her feed with…

Or simply spend time with Naomi.

Thus, he begins to follow family content, accounts that suggest activities and places to go to with his lovely daughter… or innocent pranks to partake in.

That’s how the video came to be.

“What do you think? Shall we do it?” Naoya says, offering his phone to you.

“Oh… well, I don’t know.” You murmur, and not because you didn’t want to, but rather… “Naomi is too sweet, I don’t think she’s going to do anything besides giggle!”

“We don’t lose anything by trying.” He insists. “It’ll be funny if she does something, though. Might be able to record it too.”

“Alright, alright!” you quickly agree, not that really need much convincing. “We can do it once she wakes up from her nap!”

Thus, after little Naomi wakes up, as well as checking if she’s neither hungry nor in need for a change, Naoya is the first one to assume position, getting beneath the soft, warm covers and subsequently closing his eyes, ready to act as if he were asleep and let this prank begin.

“Go with papa, pumpkin!” you whisper once gently placing on the futon, just beside Naoya. She’d then begin to crawl over to him.

Naoya tried his best to not laugh at Naomi’s adorable coos and babbles, the ones clearly intending to call for her father’s attention, only to cruelly receive none of it.

She’d persist on by grabbing onto a handful of his hair and pulling it, hoping that by this he’ll finally stop acting the fool and look at her!

But after a few attempts, Naomi eventually gives up and instead does the most unexpected, cutest thing that either could’ve hoped, which was to nuzzle against his chest, close her eyes, and fall asleep once more.

How the two managed to not screech out of happiness is a mystery to remain, as well as his resistance to keep still while Naomi laid on him, perhaps the most difficult endeavor he had to endure in his whole life—no special grade mission could compete!

Either way, it was an adorable reaction that amounted to taking a few pictures, which both would fondly look at in the future.

Yet, your curiosity still demanded to know what kind of reaction Naomi would have towards you, thus, in another occasion, you’d replicate the same scenario although now in Naoya’s shoes, silently hoping that you’d also get a semblance of Naomi’s adorableness, not that you weren’t getting much of it any other time of the day, but you couldn’t allow yourself to be left out!!

So, you lay on the futon, with your husband placing Naomi besides you, doing your best to not giggle when she begins to prod at you, repeating somewhat of the same actions as she did with her father… though there was to be a slightly more aggressive edge to her actions, almost as if she’d caught onto their intentions and grew annoyed by it.

Perhaps… too annoyed, for this would be the first time either saw a new side of Naomi, the one that described far beyond a simple baby that radiated nothing but happiness and sunshine, a personality to be discovered, if not handled, because these negative emotions would be the first she’d ever experienced, and thus, ignorant on how to deal with them—unknowingly taking them out on you.

“Ouch!” you immediately shriek when Naomi’s small hand sharply slams against your cheek, repetitively doing so across your face until you eventually intervened by grabbing her arms. “No, don’t hurt mama!”

“Naomi!” Naoya gasps, quickly lifting her away from you. She whines, trying to fight against his hold while trying to reach out for you again. “No, Naomi, stop!”

“Nnghh bah!!” she protests, furiously trying to squirm her way out of his arms but failing. “Mah!”

“I won’t let you go back to mama if you’re going to keep hurting her!” Naoya declares, and for the briefest of moments Naomi seems to understand, enough for her to eventually quiet down and cease her rebuttal, but not from pouting or crying.

“Naomi… I would never ignore you intentionally!” you say, stretching your arms to hug her. Naoya lets her go with much hesitance, although by that point, Naomi could only express her regret. “It was just a silly prank, no need to be upset.”

Naomi pouts, as if embarrassed before resting her face onto your chest, sniffles eventually turning into hiccups.

“But that doesn’t mean it’s ok to hurt me, sweetie.” You add. “You hurt mama very bad.”

Naomi whines, and both know that even when young, she wholeheartedly regrets her actions.

Once tiring herself by crying, as well after eating a bit, Naomi would eventually fall asleep, giving both parents the perfect moment to ponder about what transpired and how to approach this situation.

“Why did she react that way? I never thought our little pumpkin had it in her, always so adorable…” Naoya sighs, crossing his arms as he relaxes against the wall while watching you prepare the food for that day.

“Well, not that you mention it… Naomi always whined whenever I had to peel my eyes off her.” You admit. “I thought she was being talkative, or simply acting like any other baby would when away from their mom, but I guess it was something deeper than that.”

“Who would’ve thought our daughter was the jealous type?” he snickers, you smile.

“Since she’s got you as a dad.”

“I’m not jea—”

You raise an eyebrow.

“Fine, alright. But I would never hurt you.”

“She’s just a baby, a cute, adorable one that is starting to discover her feelings and how to react to them.” You add. “Naomi must’ve been upset that we tried to do the same thing on her twice, when she just wanted to play.”

“Or that she called for us and we didn’t answer immediately.”

Like we usually do.

You sigh.

“Oh, I must’ve spoiled her horribly!” you cry. “I was advised against giving her too much attention, that it’ll make her more demanding and whatnot…”

“By whom? My relatives?” Naoya frowns, you look away. “I wouldn’t take advise from people that leave their children to their own whenever committing mistakes…”

“I don’t want to do something that will hurt Naomi in the long turn” you quietly admit, looking back at him. “But I’m also scared of reprimanding her, of seeing her upset!”

Raising a daughter was not to be an easy thing, as enthusiastic both were. Her fate, the way she’ll grow up to be, all the achievements she’ll obtain and more greatly rely on what you, as her parents do; in that case, there is no room for mistake…

But luckily for Naomi, she had both her mother and father wanting nothing but what’s best for her, and after understanding what needed to be done, the two began to help her channeling her emotions into something more positive—something that will hopefully branch out into sorcery when the time is right, Naoya hopes.

That didn’t mean Naomi would stop demanding of either your or Naoya’s attention (specifically yours) though in a less aggressive manner. She’d still a bit overzealous whenever others attempted to sway you away from her, (Naoya included) but that wouldn’t last long until she was doted on by the same people that tried to distract her—always loving the attention, Naomi was never one to deny them.

Though her behavior could sometimes become concerning, Naoya and you knew well to enjoy these short moments with her, for it wouldn’t be long before she’d grow up and leave these antics behind, just as most kids did, replacing them with a bit of… apprehension for said demonstrations of affection.

Or preference for pranks, that is.

“When will you two stop doing that?” Naomi would eventually ask after the nth prank that week—at first, they’d make her laugh, then confused, but now, irritated. As expected of a young teenager who wanted nothing but to not appear humiliating to her friends.

“Probably never, little pumpkin.” He answers with a chuckle. “Not when your reactions are hilarious.”

“And when will you stop calling me that?!” Naomi frowns, cheeks red. Naoya laughs once more.

“See?” he shrugs. “You’re not helping yourself, Naomi!”

“Ugh, whatever.” She rolls her eyes, turning around to leave. “Have fun with your lame and old jokes.”

“Old?? I’m not—I’m not old!”

Long are the days where adorable little Naomi would scurry to her parents whenever she could, chubby little hands reaching out for them so they’d carry her, giggling as soon as her cheeks where peppered with kisses.

But she’ll always remain their little one, the one that taught them love at first sight does exist, the wonders of parenthood, as well as what it’s like to be the embarrassing parent for once in their life—a bane they never thought to experience, thinking themselves to be cooler than average, a reality that was quickly shattered with Naomi's sharp refutal.

It's like a cycle, y/n and naoya preaching that they could never be uncool and then... Naomi comes along. hahahah

Anyways, I envisioned for a long time now that Naomi is quite aggressive when it comes to getting what she wants; she probably never shows that because you and naoya just endlessly dote on her—but it becomes quite apparent in situations like this, and of course, when she has siblings.

though with hard work and dedication that stops :> she learns that being jealous about something like that (something that she'll always have) is not the right way to go on with her life and it's also a waste of energy so, she moves on :) I wish naomi could stay a little baby forever tho, writing naoya and y/n as enthusiastic first time parents is 🥺❤️

I truly enjoyed writing this little drabble, it warmed my heart 🥺❤️ thank you so much for sending in this!! I always appreciate whatever you share with me 🤭 I look forward to the next hehe.

Take care, and hope to see you soon!!

[arthurtaylorlester]

RETURN OF THE KING: MALEVOLENT LIVEBLOG EPISODE 37 THE FARM

spoilers (you already know)

back at it with some humming!

JOHN MY BELOVED !!!! youre so bitchy i love him

HES SO PETTY HELP

harpers hill mention omg (harpers hill hijinks coming soon)

“MY BOOK HMPH 😤” girl 😭😭

“i didnt realise” yes because you cant see and john is like really really dumb

it kills me that john is bitching about oscar not finding anything but like what information have you contributed in the last 3 episodes

ive missed bullying john

malevolent is a comedy and i will stand by that

mmm rain sounds

HYPNOS GREEK GOD MENTION ‼️

“can you imagine hahah” yes i can it was the best arc of the show send tweet

well you havent seen his face

whys john being so quiet all of a sudden?

OH WHAT THEFUCK I SAW RHIS COMING

“i suppose ill just watch again” SOMEONE IS A JEALOUS GIRL

arthur ignoring john….. the girls are going to DIVORCE

“not you sorry ^_^” and then he goes back to ignoring john?? girl

oh wait that was very sweet

WHAT THE FUCK I JUST TOOK ABDHDNFN

sorry arthur speaking to john like that just destroyed me

I TRUST YOU AND YOUR MY FRIEND??? IM NOT TRYING TO IGNORE YOU?? THEYRE COMMUNICATING A

“its not because i dont care 💛” “…yes?” oscar this isnt about you

poor guy though he must be so confused

arthurs tone changes so much when he speaks to john

someone get john a pair of glasses either that or he was too busy daydreaming to see the turnoff

oh of course john would want to split off because he hasnt ever seen a horror movie arthur if you die then it’s your fault for not showing him the movie 🙄

“we might have to sleep in the car” okayyyy

oh so now john wants to give him info because he deserves to know

aaaand now he doesnt want to tell him. we love a hypocritical king !!!

return of the canadian sourry

you dont need to sound so smug that he looks hurt john 😭😭

okay oscar love the existential crisis while reading very relatable

is he gonna say arthur is his purpose

oh for fucks sake

NOT THE SOFT “oscar”

ok oscar is def into arthur and arthur saying “i don’t believe in god” is like rejection. this is how unrequited blindfaith can still win.

also god believes in you? well john and kayne sure seem to believe in him for what its worth

oscar nooo dont devote yourself to arthur that never ends well

john i dont care about oscar either but you have got to stop laying it on so think jfc

john the undefeated more like john the opportunist

“woAH” same john same

oooh so john can see auras now basically?

what monster are we gonna find in the barn 👀

oh that sounds fun actually though /j

AWW I KNEW HE WAS GONNA ASK IF HE WAS OK

ok i love how prominent the dreamlands are this episode i was just thinking about how good it was

john just wants his alone time with arthur because he cant answer his questions

“i need another set of eyes” thats like the one thing john can do it must be kinda sad to like, not be able to fully do the one thing you used to be great at

“ *gasp* a forgotten one :0” john dont act like you know what that means

hey is john a forgotten one then. is he. is he though.

can everyone except arthur feel the weirdness of places

NOT THE MUSIC BOX MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND HARLAN WHEN ARE YOU GIVING US AN OST PLEASE IM BEGGIN YOU

ITS MIDNIGHT DONT GO IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT ITS RAINING YOURE BEING CHASED BY AN EDLRITCH THING

john its ok if you didnt see it you dont need to justify yourself ❤️‍🩹

john sounds almost scared to go in the basement lol

the stairs are gonna give out at a later date im calling it

what could possibly happen in the last 15 minutes

a door ajar omg is that a wtnv reference

did arthur almost die by getting crushed by a bunch of furniture

oh a barricade i know what this is about

oh happy halloween btw guys

OSCAR JUMPSCARE

my honest reaction too john

what… what did you just sink into….

oh hole in roof, cool

arthur pay attention oscar hes gonna set hjmself on fire on accident

the jarthur was too busy analysing the painting to pay attention to oscar

OH GODDAMIT ARTHRJ WHAT THE FUCK JOHN WHAT THE DAGGER? THE ONE HE SLIT HIS THROAT WITH

oh he wants to cut it off ok

jfc 7 minutes oh no

I CALLED THE STAIRS CAVING IN

GUYS HE WAS READING THE BOOK OFC HE KNOWS

question: how strong is arthur physically

“A TOWEL!” “A TOWEL?” as i said a comedy

WE GOT A “WELL DONE ORTHUR” LETS GO

you know its weird that i can handle this fine but couldnt deal with the michael torture in the woe.begone finale

NO ARTHUR ITS NOT OK

HES ISNT GOING TO MAKE IT

oh ok hes fine sort of ok

the music goes so hard again

that arthur was so scared

ok the arms alive run

or get john to arm wrestle it idk

“what thE fUCK WHAT THE FUCK” my daily vocabulary

and oscar was right :)

RUN YOU IDIOTS

arthur you could at least carry him instead of dragging him that poor poor man

i find it amusing that this mostly happened because of jarthur studying a painting and ignoring the man currently in possession of their braincells

indeed what do we do now

and thats a wrap! oh boy what an episode i have THOUGTHTS (oscar is not surviving this)

i know like maybe 2 people read this type of posts but i enjoy making and reading them back. so if youd like me to keep going with these i will :)

[bigdsgirl]

Thoughts on LND Episode 8

spoilers ahead! and screams! because ya know. this damn show.

"do you really not know? from morning until night, from child hood until now, it's been my fate and my task" - bye, i am going to combust now

the piano music has me rolling, i'm sorry lol

love that he is giving her time, especially after just shocking her with that announcement lol

the birthday card with no note. jfc. and the REPEAT GIFT??? omfg. i have so many feelings. and he goes back to the hospital!! oh it hurts!

the flashback at the pool -- oh she liked him first. "the feelings are still so vivid" - hate to say it but i think they never left babe.

his panic has me fucking cackling. "it was good, I did great" YES YOU DID BABY!!!!!!

alright the knife to head transition was kind of sick. i loved it.

throw the rock queen i dare you. NO YOU GO DO IT!!!!

I am just going feral waiting for them to open them at the same time - PUHLEAAASE! ugh boo.

aw momma & son moment - oh shit you are pretending to FORGET. SIR. oh this some bullshit. just communicate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE TIE! THE TIE! AHHHHHHHHH. no don't give it back, just keep it <3 let's start our shrine to him.

oh god mom thinks it's the ex but you would be WRONG!

HE WANTED TOI BE BURIED IN IT?????????????? WITH THE BLOOD??? BYEALKDKJAGKDFGJALFKGJAG

this girl just does not know how to respond, she is flustered as fuck and i love it

pick an expiration date to decide how much time she has lol and he is like PERISHABLE GOODS PLEASE I WANT YOU NOW!

hearts thumping let's gooooooooooooooo (and of course she bolts)

bahah this man gets sassed by the staff (i love it! you tell him!)

okay sir let's do the special! lets go! and of course we gotta start with his fave paramedic <3

the push ups oh girl, I am the same, we are just poor girls weak for our man

not the showing how they met please nooooooooo (or how mama imagines it?? lol)

i want this ex to GO AWAY PLEASE. idc what's happening, leave them alone! now!

her dad just standing right in front the CLEAR DOOR, in front of her and she doesn't see, god i love kdramas

ONLY 11 DAYS???? Girl, it's 11 days too many, just kiss him, <3

oh goodness, mom and dad got things to say. and i am sat for it!

"I don't want her to be a failure and live like me" well fuck that's a sucker punch. yikes.

these two men are hilarious i love that they are just such a mess together <3

"soaked in my feelings of inferiority" well holy fuck sir. "well mine is bone dry" OP--

dad acting like a 3-year old with his "why"

awww shit, i was hoping to see him be drunk with her. ugh instead we just got hung over.

teeeheee flash back of the drunk daddios! hehe!!

the mountain stfu, this is the humor i need in life -- phenomenal, oscar worthy performance

the way this son rolls is just like my middle brother lol, the amount of times he has tried to get family members to try crypto, oh sirrr. i am with you seok-ryu!

oh the hole in the heart, the babying. my goodness. "see if you can treat your sick child that way" --> look i know what's coming and fuck that hurts.

seung-hyo you DOG, "there are 10 days left"

also sir, where do you get your work bag from? I need it <3

tae-hui!!!! baby girl!!! ily.

ugh ruined. freaking ex-poophead is here.

look i get it, they were cute its all cute. but it's the wrong person, so I don't care.

okay they be laying it on thick with the digestive health shit - i know what's happening and i do not like it.

omfg her shock that he told her! he told seok-ryu how he felt!

okay look sir, the way your hands be clasped? the suit? the watch? it is a felony and you need to be taken to jail. it looks too damn good.

tae-hui, her outfit. ma'am the woman you are.

wait shit. i just realized -- she said she doesn't drink if I remember right? or am I wrong.

oh babe while are you pulling out so much cash. oh no oh no. mom is finding out about the cooking class. i am not excited for this.

WAIT BABE DONT TRASH EM!!! give them to me. no don't waste them!

omg the bag, not the bag. oh no. not mom.

omg yay! they are interacting <3 i love it! NO WAIT NO ITS A RUSE WHY IS MOM DOING THIS.

the eldest daughter in me is fucking quaking. I hated this growing up. the expectations. the disappointment for finding out something she loves that isn't what they want. omg.

oh i am so glad he is here stepping up for her. thank god.

this fucking hurts. oh lord. my heart is shattering for her.

he immediately goes after her, my heart, my heart. oh it's breaking.

he has a spot to comfort someone in case something happened. STOP IT WAS FOR HER.

I am having worries. every time he is a few steps behind, i worry that he has to follow her in death too (i don't want this to happen but fuck the gut is so sure)

he offered his kitchen for her!!!! ah!!!!!! hell yeah hell yeah!

he just cannot take his eyes off of her. and the nine days left, you TURD I LOVE IT.

it's observation day!!! me when I see them together like this:

oh my man look good in the uniform! <3 and they gave him a locker too??? how nice of them!!!

i freaking love the alarm music they use. the best thing ever.

oh wait. oh wait girl you gonna eat the side dishes??? hehe i love that. ope moment over. wait. he is being nice ish..... ish............ the joys of marriage lol.

oh no, oh no. is he asking for a divorce???? oh NO.

oh goodie, i hope the man is not allergic to bees. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. oh he might be. oh he is lol.

paramedics are the backbone, i always have such immense respect for them.

i also need to get this off my chest working in healthcare/public health -- never in a MILLION YEARS would a hospital actually allow the possible legal risk of having the man help with these calls. okay, now im back to la la land.

love the posters in the background of all the dramas 😭

the popcorn -- omfg. no no sir don't you dare. i will combust.

fuck he did.

girl why you pause. why you be like this what is happening. oh god it's him. and of course he is a new client. of course!

the way my man seung-hyo be acting like a child with the ex here. i am eating this shit up.

LOL of course he needs to leave leaving the two together.

THAT'S RIGHT YOU TELL HIM THAT HE HAS COMPETITION!!!!

lol me - both get out, leave my girl to cook. these two are too much, i'm cackling.

THE POPCORN YES GIRL. he is so happy about this, he is just lapping it up. and same king. same. "have some" you MENACE.

lol this man is gonna faint it's so much work. YAY CELEBRATORY DINNER! lol the bladder infection, brother TMI!!!!

"we end up dating each other" man is gonna become a paramedic to make sure he and mo-eum are gonna be together forever and no one can come between them 🤭🤭🤭

BAHAHAHAHA THE MUDFLATS MAN RETURNS!!!!!!!! I am SCREAMING!!!!!! they both just panic. wait no hold hands down there, pls <3

wait shit girl, you don't look good. girly no.

oh damn oh damn. seok-ryu. i get it but oh. oh it hurts so bad.

oh sweetie no. oh i get it, my hear hurts for you.

the WAY I KNEW - his and her secret. oh my.

now i must wait FOR MY BABIES TO RETURN.

and i will be sobbing <3

[vole-mon-amour]

3x11, part 3. RJK edition.

Listen. LISTEN. The boy feels so lost & his home is PEOPLE. Roy & Jamie are RIGHT. THERE. I NEED it. I need not only Jamie having vulnerable moments with Roy, I need Roy to be able to talk about it and/or at least hold Jamie and mean it. I need to see Jamie hugging both of them and feeling safe, and loved, and HOME. I need Jamie to know that he belongs, and he's good, and he deserves all the good things only.

This is honestly such a huge topic & I've been thinking about it from time to time. Jamie/happiness please and thank you. And somebody quietly take out his dad so Jamie can process it and let out a sigh of relief. I know it's not that easy, I've been there, still going through it tbh, a lot of trauma and feelings, but still.

Babe, your hair is beautiful & I love it, don't listen to that.

Keeley: puts even more pressure on Jamie to the point where Jamie is even more overwhelmed.

She's no better at it than Roy lol. Made it worse somehow.

"If only I could have a friend who'd stick with me until the end. And walk along beside the sea, share a bit of moon with me."

Those friends:

I can't get over the fact that Roy acts like a human towards Jamie? Like, it's the most "I care about him A LOT" & humane thing we've ever seen at this point, I think? Especially after that weird string episode that I often just want to ignore?

"I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly."

I find their reactions so interesting? Keeley is straight up bored and tired. Roy is crying which is even in character, after he watched Love Island with Jamie in it & all those yoga sessions and drinking wine after. Jamie is... one eye red. Jfc, someone hug Jamie and be there for him. Just unite all three already. While Keeley can have her beauty sleep, Roy and Jamie can have spend their time together.

Not sure if I should watch You've got mail, but yeah.

Are we gonna ignore this? The way Roy looks at Jamie. The theme of Roy being so worried about Jamie that he brings Keeley in and he tries his absolute best to help Jamie and make him feel better. Like, I always shipped them, but right now it feels more than ever justifiable? Not like I imagine it but the way it's RIGHT. THERE. It's not one sided. It's "I care about you, too, and I'm trying to make ti right." Maybe a kiss or two would set it into the right direction, but still. Baby steps (at the end of s3).

???? Ot3???? Poly canon when???

"...share a bit of moon with me."

is this the new "Let's get lost"? For ot3 this time? C'mon. How am I supposed to ignore this? It's so romantically coded.

Roy, you very much can if you don't kiss him and if you keep pretending you and Keeley are not dating again. Like, talk to him. Invite him in. You two are fools. Keeley sees it though.

There goes "I care about you" again.

Jamie is such a sweet and gentle boy. Making sure he didn't push either of them.

Seriously though. He. Him. And his hair (unironically). And his rings.

Jamie's smile getting wider, heh. The neighborhood he grew up in? Or the neighborhood his mom ran away to from James?

Jamie is the best sunshine of all the sunshines. Both Jamie and Roy being dressed in black :)) They really are so alike.

I feel honored to finally meet Jamie's mom. Wow, she and her husband seem so different from James, and you can see why Jamie is the way that he is. I still have questions on why Jamie was abused so much by his dad while his mom is right there & judging by Jamie's words she only wants Jamie to be happy. But then again, maybe he really is like that, "I wanted to tell her, but I knew it would hurt her. So I let it hurt me." Which is heartbreaking, but it is what it is, I guess.

This episode Trent met Ted's mom, and Roy and Keeley met Jamie's, and "it's lovely to FINALLY meet you BOTH." I am NOT letting this go. Like, Jamie just decided to take his best friends for a ride and introduce them to his mom. Ahhh.

[sunshine-zenith]

Aight so, I’m a blood donation phlebotomist and whenever I see fictional blood drives in media, I have Thoughts. Here are a few quick thoughts on the blood drive in F&C’s episode “The Star”

We don’t actually see the blood drive, which actually saves my sanity a little bit. The charity ball seems to take place on one of the top floors, and let me tell ya, hauling our equipment through elevators kinda sucks — there’s a lot of it, it’s heavy, and we typically only have 45min-1hr to set up, and elevators really cut into that. Gary and Marshall had to run up/down a set of stairs to get to the elevator, too, so unless the blood drive was in an off screen office or like someone’s room (since Marshall, Gary, and Hana all change pretty quick off screen, meaning rooms gotta be close by), it’s kinda impossible to have a blood drive in this specific scenery. I’m hoping the actual blood drive was in a lobby or something, because otherwise I’d lose like seventeen years from my life just imagining the set up.

I’m kinda hoping the blood drive was in the afternoon, before the charity ball, since this seems to be taking place in the evening. It’s not fun having to drop blood off at the lab at three in the morning

The posters? Fire, love them. Collection staff (the ones who set up, break down, do the mini-physicals, and of course the phlebotomies themselves) typically aren’t sent with posters because we are not given enough time, space in the trucks, or frankly money to deal with that, but it’s not unheard of for the people in our organizations who actually set the drives up to go out themselves and add a little pizzazz. Alternatively (and more likely), Hana just commissioned a bunch of posters with blood puns for this event

Everyone is dressed up and thats lowkey stressful. They’re just asking to get blood on their nice suits and dresses

The fact that there’s a bunch of food at the charity event? Love that. Seeing that would save me from worrying about our donors (entirely too many will jump off the bed, say I’m fine, bypass the canteen area, and pass out in parking lot. Jfc just take the fucking cookie and sit for a sec dude, dropping a pint of blood is not a total non-event, c’mon). I’m guess this is a closed blood drive (meaning only people from this event can donate), and most of the people attending seem to be in the food business, so there’s a social obligation to have at least some for the sake of networking, so win-win

That said, if you’re hosting a blood drive as part of an event, this event has/is centered around food, and you don’t give the phlebotomists any, you’re a dick and there’s a good chance that if you make this a regular blood drive, it’ll be constantly understaffed because of angry call outs. We talk, y’all, and we remember

Also one this I’m horrified by? The alcohol — listen, at least one person at every blood drive makes a cheap date joke. We don’t follow you home, we can’t stop you from making the choices you mark when you’re out of our care. TBH I did this myself once, donated blood then had alcohol later, and I was alright, just super tired super quick (and I frankly have zero interest in doing this again). Everybody is different, every body is different. Some people are fine

Some people end up super sick and dizzy after like one drink because, again, dropping a pint of blood is not a non-event. Just make smart choices, y’all

Imma say having alcohol at a big important charity event right after donating blood isn’t a smart choice. Because networking and business and you’ll be quickly shitfaced at best. Is that the risk you wanna take?

That mascot tho. (Brilliant Ricardio cameo). We have a masco, I think most blood banks do, but we typically don’t haul it around with us. A big charity event though? Yeah, it makes sense that someone would bring it. I personally would rather throw it out the window than wear it myself, but it’s still fun to see

I haven’t seen anyone mention this on social media, but I want to point out the amazing timing of this episode in regards to blood donation qualifications.

CW for references to sexual activity and the now lifted MSM blood donor ban

In August of 2023, this year and like a month before this episode came out, the FDA finally officially lifted the MSM blood ban (earlier this year the mad cow disease ban was also lifted, too). Gotta acknowledge this: Now we we have to ask about specific sexual behaviors (anal sex with a new partner), which can result in a three month deferral. Super fun to ask conservative grandmas in churches btw. I’m queer, a lot of my coworkers are queer, you have no idea how much this means to us, let alone the population affected by this ban. I’m kinda surprised there wasn’t any nod to the MSM ban at all, though — Gary and Marshall are a MLM couple, after all, and even if they aren’t sexual active yet, it’s still something that hung over a lot of MLM individuals. I know the blood drive was a super clever nod to the whole “in another universe he’s a vampire” thing, but still, characters curse on the reg, there’s blood and gore, and there’s a focus on adult specific issues like rent and starting a business — you’d think there’d be an ambitiously worded nod to this specific MLM issue or something. It can take over a year to get an animate episode ready to air — when F&C started production, the ban was still very much a thing. Maybe the creators were aware of the ADVANCE study on removing the MSM ban that would’ve been going on at the time, and were being optimistic about how long it would take, or maybe there was a line that was cut when the ban was lifted. Or maybe the creators just wanted the Vampire->AU Blood Drive gag and hoped no one would think about it

[yeetus-feetus]

trying to get my previously very homophobic hardcore-christian baby brother to accept the lgbtqia+

Captains Log: First entry

So far he's become accumulated to the idea of two boys being able to have a healthy relationship through his obsession with one Damian Al Ghul Wayne.

Through giving him access to my Pinterest account for something I honestly can't remember- maybe a school thing, he discovered my DC pins and I introduced him to some really cute Damijon art. He was immediately consumed. I left him alone on my laptop and came back to more than three dozen new pins of purely Damijon fanarts.

Note: remind me to make him his own account Jfc!

From Damijon he then discovered Timkon and Superbat. It is an understatement to say he is a fan of bat×super pairings.

I exploited his new obsessions with these ships to make him angry because he's so terribly cute and hilarious when he's angry. How did I do this?

Well, I decided one day that I would break the unfortunate news to him that Jon Kent was in fact already in a relationship with one Jay Nakamura, and Tim as such with one Bernard Dowd. The following outburst from him was immeasurable!

You can imagine my surprise when he screamed at me, demanding I prove such a thing- then afterwards the amount of tears. He refused to speak to me for two while weeks, unless uping the anti on telling me how I was going to hell for being a fag. Hypocritical of him in all honesty considering he was saving pins of boys kissing quicker and more efficiently than I could complete my assignments.

Anywho, I took advantage of this. I like poking the bear, and he's a very cute bear, so I began mentioning Jay and Jon when I felt like seeing his little face get so red with anger it's possible steam might come from his ears. We quickly developed a loose script of back and forth; him getting angry and trying to explode me with his mind, me grinning at how wholeheartedly he defended his most favourite ship between two boys.

Until one day my little brother flipped that script and pulled the rug right out from underneath me and my little game. He proposed Polyamory. Of all thing, Polyamory. Not something you'd expect from the mouth of a Christian boy- especially about three boys.

How and where this primary school kid learnt about the idea of Polyamory escapes me. I have no idea, but the fact he was willing to accept it to disprove my point is almost even more hilarious than his face when he's angry.

I'm so glad, proud in honesty, that he has experienced this growth as a person, that he is accepting of Polyamory- even if it is because of something so silly. It's progress in getting him to stop condemning me and mine to hell. He is willing to accept such relationships now, and all because of my incessant teasing and taunting.

This acceptance extends to Timberkon especially, from what I can tell from the 12 pins he's added to his ever growing collection on my account. Which I am very pleased about, considering my own love for that particular ship. And also, he's realised he can ship Batman with more people than just Superman (though he still hates that I'm a Batlantern shipper).

His favourite Batman ship is now Batman, Superman and Lois Lane as a throuple. He is also open to the idea of Batman dating Talia Al Ghul and Cat Woman as well as Superman. (He is not letting go of the Superbat element, that's fine though).

And, surprisingly, it has also extended to a new show we've been watching together, with my second brother as well, called "Castlevania" on Netflix, in which he's now insisting the main three characters- Trevor Belmont, Sypha Belnades, and Adrian Teppesh aka Alucard- are polyamorus and all in love with each other.

Note: we are only in the second season as of now.

Which is all excellent growth in my books!

Now my lovely friend @froggyinfear has suggested I introduce him to lesbians next, to further his acceptance of queer relationships. I intend to update you all with the details of my progress in this endeavour with this new Captain's Log.

[storiesofsvu]

it's thursday, lets round up law and order night

Just discovered I can select citytv toronto so I can watch this shit at 5pm. Fucking win. 

Okay, the way these eps are airing doesn’t make our hypothesis about the maddie case coming to canada to launch CO:TO make sense, we’ll see… 

Not shaw instantly knowing it’s a dating app 👀👀 

Jfc...word on my laptop doesnt want to open, im stuck doing this through safari, fuck i hate the way technology is changing... hoping it works later, i was planning on writing tonight. Ugh. 

Man, the way that receptionists/door staff is always all “hey! Excuse me! You can’t go back there” always makes me laugh, like, first off, how do the cops know where they’re going/that the person theyre looking for is actually back there?  

Why are there no lights on in this courtroom? Wtf? 

Nolan just tells sam to do all the work and then takes lead on all the cases, huh? 

The way this ep is going its lowkey looking like mccoy is getting fired/forced to retire, not doing it voluntarily lol. 

Lol, i give no shits if they fire nolan, just don’t touch my samantha bebe pls. 

Okay so they really are setting mccoy up to being fired, hey? 

All of these shows would be SO much better if they actually just acknowledged that they all exist in the same universe/city. Like... i’d love to see the same recurring cast members as the defence attorneys/judges/etc as the same characters in all three shows. Or like, have them mention each other, like in this ep they easily could have at least been like “hold on, I'll call benson, maybe she caught the case” no need to guest star, just mention it. Though they could guest star the other characters considering svu is only giving screen time to M and Ice... 

I am SO bored watching jack in court... where’s the spunk? 

There is way too much political shit that goes into this. Ugh.  

Also this send off is lame. They really couldnt have done it any better? The promos made me think it was some big celebratory thing... 

Yeah that was lame as shit. 

Alright... moment of truth.... is CI Toronto going to be good or absolute crap? 

Why is it tinted blue? This is like when shows “go to mexico” and they just tint the screen yellow. Do they think canada is blue tinted because of the snow/cold? 

Theme song does not slap. 

Where did my subtitles go?? 

Okay the liutenant is my faourite part so far. I like her. Female detective is on the fence for me right now, i don’t like the dude. 

Are they not carrying guns?? Does dick wolf think canadian cops don’t carry guns? Cause i assure you they do... 

LOL at the casual dropping of facts about characters we know nothing about. She has a kid, noted. 

... i stopped paying attention, i can’t lie. This isn’t terrible, but it isn’t great. We coulda had For the Defence... 

Okay, so like i said, not terrible, but i found it pretty boring.  

Moving on to SVU 

Okay this is clearly some kind of abduction situation going on. 

Velasco got a line! Yay! 

Wanna steal that plaid...ngl. 

“aren’t you a captain” THAT IS EXACTLY MY QUESTION, HOW DOES THIS SQUAD NOW HAVE TWO CAPTAINS??!! Make it make sense!! 

“and you needed a rollins” thank you fin for telling it like it is. 

Liv is off her fucking rocker man, like yeah, the kid on the train obvi needs help, and they should intervene and there is a slight chance that it is related to the maddie situation, but that’s the only thing she can see righ tnow and it’s not making for a good show. 

Say pittsburg one more time. I dare you. 

“it’s captain benson” uh... eileen called *her* why did that phone convo go like that? 

The delulu in this episode is stronger than my delulu imagining being married to fictional charaters jfc.. 

“happi burger” ?!?!? I'm having s9 flashbacks 

Aaaand a guest star that was on the show in the last year and a half is guest starring again... as a different character... not surprised. *sigh* (at the v least she’s acting her ass off and is good at what she does so...) 

Liv you have as many issues as this agent, don’t try and make her seem like she should open up to you lololol. 

“you sure youre not just projecting?” THANK YOU 

Thank fuck this gd maddie shit is finally done with. I am over it lol. 

Liv's out here just adopting rescues from all sorts of different departments temporarily, this doesn’t make any sense. 

Omg this OC flashback just made me so excited, all the amazing shit that happened last week LOL. 

Literally thought that old man was mcgrath.. 

I'm sorry... if i find something in a *bathroom* garbage can, the last thing I'm doing is putting it in my *mouth* 

Ayanna being all “gimmie!” about the stuffie is adorable. I may have to write some kind of fix it fic for her/this situation.... 

Okay that was lazy writing, Rita’s friend literally just basically repeated the exact same phrase twice... 

“no gps to pull from a camera” that is a straight up fucking lie. Both my point and shoot and my dslr have gps... 

This other tech guy working for them (ai guy?) he reminds me of kevin from crimi. Not sure if that’s just the over eager-second choice tech- guy vibes or if its something else... 

I don’t trust this bitch. At all. She's gotta be in on it. 

Hahahahaha elliot’s face when he walks in to jet and bobby in the room lol. 

This hate crimes guy is growing on me. 

Anyone else looking at the parallels of liv being hyperfocused on maddie and finding her, meanwhile elliot was so wrapped up with the Rita situation in the last season and now is so upset/lost about losing her... 

AYANNA CUDDLING HER LIL STUFFIE AHHHH *soft* 

[here4theheartbreak]

I can’t imagine there being a gay bar here hosting monthly kpop nights. In fact, I can’t even imagine there being a gay bar...!  😅

The cup sleeve itself looks so nice, and so do those pretty decorations! I'm so glad these events are a thing. I think it really builds a sense of (wider) community. 💕

Bouncy definitely has a 'kpop' vibe. The first time I heard it, it felt simultaneously like the least/most ‘Ateez’ Ateez song to date. But I know that was their plan. They’ve been saying for a while that they want to try and capture the interest of KR at large — whilst also being themselves and respecting what they already have. Which, honestly, I think they’ve done. It’s a nice song to just ENJOY and have fun with. 🌶️🔥🐐🥊🤠 

That’s a lot of songs you made your way through over the weekend! I’m impressed. There were a few songs I wasn’t sure about at first...but now I’m actively adding them to my playlists, soooo yeah... 🌟✨

A miniseries would be great!! I’d love it if it was like the MV’s and the teasers — where there are just subtitles and sometimes voiceovers. That’d be pretty cool. I hope they do it. Or that they do something similar! KQ are clearly not afraid to splash a little cash on locations and cinematography. 

Ohhh, I read the new Diary storyline/pages on twitter somewhere. It’s definitely on there if you don’t want to wait!

The Atiny and Ateez relationship is sooo good. Surprisingly good, actually. We’re really lucky that nothing significant has happened to create distance. Especially given how some fans are so invasive and overly familiar sometimes. Still, I think Atiny are mostly chill, and there’s not much guilt involved in supporting them either. Not everyone can vote every single time, or stream all day long. From what I’ve seen, it’s always just been a case of if you can, please do. And, yeah, it doesn't always work out. There have been a few heartbreaking losses on music shows, for instance (the one where they all had glasses of orange juice on stage to celebrate, but then they didn’t win, springs to mind 😭). Still, it’s like San always says, we can support Ateez with our whole hearts, but we should always be the most important people in our own lives!

JFC. YES. THERE'S SO MUCH CONTENT. I can only wish you luck because that is quite a mountain to climb! 😅

Wanteez is so good! I especially loved the latest drinking episodes! Poor drunk San! Someone save him, our tipsy tomato~!

Ah, I also love Woosan! 🦊☂️⛰️ I love their energy. I love that they bicker. I love that they cling. I love that they have matching friendship tattoos. I love: 'we're not always good, but we always choose each other.' I love: 'the best luck I have experienced in my life was meeting you.'

They’re super cute, and silly, and funny~!

I’m really glad that San is someone you can have as a bias — even if it felt impossible for you at first. He really has such a good heart! Just like Wooyoung!

Honestly, I think people often forget that about Wooyoung, because he’s loud and he’s hilarious. I mean, yes, he's always messing with the members and causing chaos on screen and on stage.... but he’s incredibly kindhearted.

Hongjoong literally said that when Wooyoung gets hurt by other people, he blames himself rather than them. He blames himself for trusting them in the first place, rather than them for what they’ve done to him.

Alsoooo, when that whole Ateez vs Vata dance plagiarism thing happened he was so visible in standing up for their team. Adding the 'driving' move to his The Real dance breaks. Calling out the copying. What a guy.

And then there's that time he called out a sasaeng for continually phoning Jongho when they were doing a vlive together. He's not afraid to speak up and it's such a strength.

Oh! Annnnnnd there's the fact that he cried after Yeosang's ending ment last year because he'd overheard Yeosang talking to his mom about a surgery she was having.... but YS hadn't told anyone in Ateez about it, including WY even though they'd been friends for 8 years. And WY had been so worried about YS's mom but he didn't know how to ask him about it. So, he ended up in tears when YS brought it up on stage.

Really, Wooyoung cares so much. I could list soooo many different examples of him feeling so much, and caring so much, about those around him.

In fact, I could probably do that for all the members! 😂💖

(/you have reached the end of my unplanned Wooyoung rant 😂)

Ahhh yeah, absolutely none of them can stay in their lanes. They're always swerving all over the place. Right now, Yunho is coming for me. The way he laughs shyly into his hand? Let me live, puppy~ 😩

Since day one, my bias has been Kim Hongjoong! I saw our tiny captain rapping with his pretty hair, looking full of passion, painting his clothes and his nails, telling off the younger members like a stressed-out dad, and I was like 'ahhh, there he is. He's the man for me!'

My bias wrecker is Seonghwa. So, I'm all about Matz~! 😂 But I literally love them all so much!

Well, I recently got an Ateez tattoo- lyrics from Promise. So, I recommend the Promise video from 2019 - although the 'Band Live Concert' version is the one I actually like the most, the 2019 one is just the one from when I first got into them, so it has nice memories attached to it!

Don't Stop is a great MV that people sometimes miss because it's not on KQ's channel.

I still recommend Treasure Film because they have to do a bunch of fun tasks - Jongho has to arm wrestle guys at a gym, Yeosang has to conquer his shyness and say hello to people on the street (🥺) etc etc. And there's a really sweet section near the end where they have to call their moms and tell them what they're thankful for. It's so good because they're actually exactly like their moms! 💖

There's also their cover of Black Cat Nero. Both the Immortal Songs stage and the subsequent MV are good!

And there's the song they did for Pepsi with Monsta X (and others) - Summer Taste. It's worth a glance. Changkyun coming in after Hongjoong?? Yessss, please. 😍

Talking of MX, Choi Jongho has got to be the most successful Monbebe of all time! What a king~!✨

Sorry about this being an essay length ask.... 😩😂

Honestly the production quality that KQ has when it comes to their mvs is insane! Right away I asked my friend who owned these guys - given the horrid history with certain companies, there’s some I’m just not comfortable supporting even in a small way - when she said they were fully indie I did not expect much at all - so I was absolutely FLOORED. They know where their cash cow is and they treat them well, it seems.

I actually ordered another copy that should be here sooner of the diary version! Should be here next week I think, so sooner than mid-July lol; I have a friend who is getting into the group with me so I’ll just gift them the extra copy (they don’t collect PCs or anything, so I often end up passing along my spare copies of albums that I don’t wanna tangle with selling 😂)

I sat down today and tried to go and make a list of all their different variety shows and things they appear often on (like their hello82 stuff, etc) and I was floored by just how much there was. Every time I thought I completed the list I scrolled and found yet another show or mini-series I had completely missed 😩 - how does this group have so much?? Do these kids SLEEP? 🤣

I have seen clips of the drinking episode and am so tempted to skip forward to it because it looks so genuinely hilarious, who the hell let them get that drunk 😂

My God I can’t talk enough about Woosan. I’ve always been preferential to bias pairs who have that tom and jerry soulmate energy but I genuinely haven’t had a pair that embodies it SO perfectly. The people you look at and you’re like, yeah, those two were always meant to find each other, it wouldn’t matter how many miles separated them, they’d wind up stumbling over each other in some way. 
“We’re not always good, but we always choose each other.” - the way I almost burst into tears, I watched that episode just last night actually. Or the recent show - when San was asked if he regretted the tattoo and just, entirely unhesitating “never” even tho they’d been sniping at each other all day 😭😭😭

And truly! I didn’t think much about Woo at first; I kinda assumed he was just another dancer/visual type but since San wouldn’t let me breathe without Wooyoung RIGHT THERE I ended up looking more into him and he’s so sweet. My God, he’s such a caring, gentle person. Definitely the embodiment of more than meets the eye in so many ways. And he’s so mindful of all the members, he knows exactly how to play with each of them, even if sometimes it’s a little chaotic, you just know he’s always gonna be the one there if they need something.

I heard about the Vata thing! That took some real nerve on his part, calling him out so publicly - good for him though, there needs to be more people in the industry like him, it might become a little less corrupt and nasty if there were. If more weren’t afraid to call out the bullshit maybe people would be more mindful of not starting this shit.

And frankly his TALENT. Jesus. When I told my friend I’d picked him as my split bias for sure, she explained some of his past and being picked on by other fandoms, etc - it was heartbreaking - he’s got so much talent and deserves the world 😭

I mean honestly - all of them; I’ve never seen a more shining example of a group of just genuinely well meaning people who try their best to do the right thing, and so talented on top of it - like… How did I miss them for so long??? I got into kpop as a whole literally six months before they debuted?! I could have picked them up from day one! The way I’m kicking myself for it 😩

Yunho! Jfc that guy. He was the member I didn’t really notice right away but this comeback and as I watch more variety shows - he’s so cute?! And he’s got such a funny personality, bahh- I figured I’d be safe from him but nah, he’s climbed right up there. Instead of a list of 8 places 1 through 8 this group is more like 1, 2, 2.5 — Woosan; Yeo and Joong; then the other 4 - there’s no least favorite 😭

Ah! Tattoo! That’s so cool; I love it; my friend has an Ateez tattoo from Star 1117; I’m thinking I will probably add one to my sleeve as well, I’ll wait until after I go to a concert, maybe, unless I’m super inspired. I haven’t seen that video though! Another one to add to my list lol - but I have seen Don’t Stop! That video was insane, I loved it sm and the song was great. I remember sending it to my friend when I watched it with the comment “the sweet little criminal mastermind pirates” (honestly the number of nicknames this poor group has ended up with - my favorite was for Jongho, “the softest insurrectionist you’ll ever see” - and I stand by that. 😂)

Also omg Black Cat Nero - so this video is funny (in another I’m kicking myself square in the ass way) bc I’ve seen it pop up on my dash ever since it came out (the Halloween m/v specifically); and every time I saw it I almost clicked on it bc it looked interesting with San’s makeup… And I didn’t because it wasn’t a group I was into so I just… Ignored it. For two years YouTube has tried to hand me this damn group.

(Also no need to apologize for the long asks lol - I’m sure my non-atiny friends are so so sick o hearing me ramble for hours about these guys so I 100% do not mind 😂😂😂😂

[sugar-omi]

hear me out i want cove to put me in a headlock a lil bit like?2$2$ runs away!!

OMG NO WAIT SO REAL

but hear me out... giving him head n his thighs squeezing around your head...

like cove accidently being a lil rough is kinda canon, bc in the step 3 patreon moment he accidently thrusts up in your mouth because he's too excited, and him leaning over you as he's finishing forces your head down until you're taking more of his dick than you can manage

even though he apologizes, imagine how he'd look.. his face is flushed, and he's sweaty, his hairs a mess, and his expression is almost feral with lust.

so if you're having sex, and he pulls you on your knees so your back is against his chest, and he wraps his arm too tightly around your waist, his big hand squeezing your jaw as he turns your head to capture your lips in a wet, messy kiss.. it's not surprising, but the sign of strength makes you drip

god imagine it...

he's laying back, and your throat is so hot around his sensitive cock.

doesn't matter if you've made him cum for the nth time tonight, or you've been apart for days, or maybe you tried an aphrodisiac to spice up tonight..

either way, he's just not gonna stay still n he ends up being a lil rough

jfc imagine him finally having enough of your teasing tongue circling his flushed, drooling tip, he's so fucking close and horny and he needs more.

cant help it when he closes his thighs around your head, bucking up into your mouth, muffled curses and deep groans falling from his lips is like music to your ears

you're not worried about him crushing you, in fact you've begged him to, albeit (a bit) jokingly

you know if it's too much, you can slap his thigh a few times to make him let up. but you don't want him to

you love how your throat burns trying to take his length down your throat. n even if there's tears coming to your eyes n you're gagging a bit, your jaw tired from the stretch..

you love it. n when he tries to lessen up, realizing the change in situation when you're audibly choking around his cock, tears running down your cheeks, you shamelessly hug his thighs to keep them in position.

he's not clamped around your head like before, so you're able to bop your head properly again, but fuck you're going to be dreaming about how his thighs tightly wrapped around your head, forcing his cock deeper down your throat, felt for days

definitely has accidently throat fucked you a few times too.. it's just too good. he can't ever get used to all the pleasure you give him, it feels new and better every time.

he gets so jittery when he's approaching the edge. and all he can think about is finishing, how hot you are, about pleasing you...

he goes a bit brain dead because you're just too good to him, can really blame him for cupping the back of your neck, maybe his hands tangled in your hair (he's also definitely messed up your hair just minutes before you have to be somewhere...)

and he starts thrusting up into your warm mouth, spit running down his balls, staining his black pants and the couch underneath him because it's so messy

doesn't even care about the mess, doesn't feel bad for ruining his nice dress pants (he does, but not nearly enough for the nice date you're going on)

tries to ignore how his chest lights up with heat and a primal feeling when he forces your head down his length, your nose buried in his short bush and tears building along your bottom lashes.

buries that primalness when you pull away, face flushed n a bit sweaty, lips swollen and wet with spit and cum. can't help the way his cock twitches and the growl coming deep from his chest when you swallow his load

he always apologies for roughing you up, and even if you tell him how much you love it he's still so apologetic and he can't bring himself to do anything extreme, or what he deems "mean" on purpose, he loves you too much to hurt you

but even though he's not ready to admit it yet, he does love how you look with tears in your eyes, loves how you look when he has the upper hand.. maybe one day you could encourage him to be rough with you on purpose, encourage him to give into the primal, deeply seated urge...

[kithtaehyung]

*sighs* ryen ryen ryen…

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT OMG 🤕😮‍💨🤧

- ok so first of all i must be a bit 3tan-brainrotted because tell me why i woke at 6am sharp and the first thing that came in my mind was the new chapter:&,!/‘d 🥴

- jk has a fucking audacity like…i get he’s desperate and full of remorse but reader has move on/start to finally move on and he’s throwing her back into those old memories :((( idk i don’t think that’s fair towards them

- besides i don’t think he still love them in the same way he loved them during their teenage years like they broke up before their twenties and those are the years where you change and grow the most…i think his love is the same way as reader described with the worned jeans parallel etc etc

- i was really touched by bro :(((

- im glad the backstory for bro and reader was developed during this chapter like the dynamic between them is much more understandable, have you always have that kind of family problem in mind for their personal story when you started to develop the characters?

- SO HERE COMES THE GUILT AND PAIN :D sobbing crying throwing up right fucking now like when reader understands what yoongi represents to bro im just…jfc..this is going to get ugly so fast when their relation is out… i appreciated the moment of clarity by reader when she’s like « oh if yoongi can do all of these for me when we’re not even together then i can’t even imagine for my brother during college»

- THREE FUCKING MONTHS KDKFKD no wonder they trashed the desk after such a long time lmaoommg’fnf

- the aftercare, sobbing crying screaming AND throwing up again the whole speech by reader in the car about how she missed him…yoongi snapping up omg’fkd and the whole cuddling and humming and shedding tears im just 🥺🥺 my babies 🥺🥺🥺 just wanna build a bubble or shelter for them to live in in peace 😞

- BTW HOW DARE YOU GIVING US PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION AND A FUCKING KISS AGAINST HIS CAR WHEN THEY’RE OUT ⚰️

- you know what i thought of when i read the last part about oc coming home and bro waiting for them ? that damn spoiler about someone/bro (??) telling « it’s about yoongi. isn’t it. » DDBSKDKDKDK ryen gdi

- and now i think i should’ve voted for the whole story with the 30k etc like i’m addicted i think and i cannot wait to see the following for this damn cliffhanger once again how dare you

i’ll probably reread this a dozen times more during the weekend except sunday because i have a second date with that same person ☺️

rest well and hope to read more soon 🫶

-📀

CD PLSSSSSS oh my goodness, love. thank you so much for this wonderful commentary! i got my own things to say under the cut so let's gooooo

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT OMG 🤕😮‍💨🤧

LMFAO

ok so first of all i must be a bit 3tan-brainrotted because tell me why i woke at 6am sharp and the first thing that came in my mind was the new chapter:&,!/‘d 🥴

nooooo way. wait really?! that's too much for me to handle i'm biting my fcking fist dsklfjdskljf what an honor!

jk has a fucking audacity like…i get he’s desperate and full of remorse but reader has move on/start to finally move on and he’s throwing her back into those old memories :((( idk i don’t think that’s fair towards them besides i don’t think he still love them in the same way he loved them during their teenage years like they broke up before their twenties and those are the years where you change and grow the most…i think his love is the same way as reader described with the worned jeans parallel etc etc

love these commentaries on jk and reader! it's so hard to have something like that happen.. especially if it happened when they both were far from mature enough to handle it. you have a great ass point about the formative years, too! wow i actually really like how you approached that whole section. this shit is why i love hearing from y'all forreal!

i was really touched by bro :(((

man i love that man.

im glad the backstory for bro and reader was developed during this chapter like the dynamic between them is much more understandable, have you always have that kind of family problem in mind for their personal story when you started to develop the characters?

YES! i'm so happy you liked their backstory build. it was necessary to flesh out so that we could understand where they're both coming from, as painful as that was to finally say. this was my plan for awhile, but gosh it was still hard to really write.

SO HERE COMES THE GUILT AND PAIN :D sobbing crying throwing up right fucking now like when reader understands what yoongi represents to bro im just…jfc..this is going to get ugly so fast when their relation is out… i appreciated the moment of clarity by reader when she’s like « oh if yoongi can do all of these for me when we’re not even together then i can’t even imagine for my brother during college»

GOD I KNOWWWW like damn. yoongi's choice was so jarring at first, but when we get this background on bro? it makes sense and brings a whole new wave of guilt. it isn't just "we don't wanna get between them" anymore, it's more like "shit... we could potentially destroy something much bigger than we thought." and like,, knowing what we know about yoongi? he hasn't had the best time before reader showed up..... so.... yeah.

THREE FUCKING MONTHS KDKFKD no wonder they trashed the desk after such a long time lmaoommg’fnf

LMFAOOOOO YEAH I WOULDVE BEEN THE SAME.

the aftercare, sobbing crying screaming AND throwing up again the whole speech by reader in the car about how she missed him…yoongi snapping up omg’fkd and the whole cuddling and humming and shedding tears im just 🥺🥺 my babies 🥺🥺🥺 just wanna build a bubble or shelter for them to live in in peace 😞

the way i want the gd same! the aftercare scenes were some of my absolute favorites to write, and i even saved them for last so that i could finally breathe after working on the rest lol. they're as much of a relief for me as the writer as they are for y'all and the characters. i'm so proud of reader for the car thing! bc we've seen them finally say something in basketball, but i think this was even better.

BTW HOW DARE YOU GIVING US PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION AND A FUCKING KISS AGAINST HIS CAR WHEN THEY’RE OUT ⚰️

LMFAOOOOO i meeeean yoongi was pretty far around the corner if it took seven minutes to get to him, but YEAH. MWAHAHA.

you know what i thought of when i read the last part about oc coming home and bro waiting for them ? that damn spoiler about someone/bro (??) telling « it’s about yoongi. isn’t it. » DDBSKDKDKDK ryen gdi

I AM SAYING NOTHING!!!!! i can't believe you remembered that though omg??

and now i think i should’ve voted for the whole story with the 30k etc like i’m addicted i think and i cannot wait to see the following for this damn cliffhanger once again how dare you i’ll probably reread this a dozen times more during the weekend except sunday because i have a second date with that same person ☺️rest well and hope to read more soon 🫶

thank you so damn much! nahhhh the 30k would've taken me all the way out lmfao. this would've taken SO much longer if we waited. i think this gives everyone time to breathe! an intermission of sorts, or like when an episode ends on a cliffhanger ahahah.

read as many times as you want to! thank you so much for reading so soon, and i hope the second date goes/went very very well :D happy to hear about it, too!

[queenofzan]

#xicheng negative (idk how tags work anymore i’m so sorry if this shows up where xicheng likers congregate)

like there IS a seed of an interesting dynamic there. i have read and enjoyed a xicheng fic before. but it seemed to actually be doing something with their comparative positions and reactions to uhhhh betrayal that people don’t usually seem to deal with?

like actually xichen retreating to seclusion after jgy’s death seems like a terrible idea, and he’s putting either lqr or lwj on the hook for sect leader duties, which is RUDE and JUST LIKE HIS FATHER but mostly like. bro give yourself a week or two to mope and then GET THE FUCK BACK OUT THERE JFC YOU”RE GOING TO DIE

and you know who was not allowed to mope or even mourn for as long as he wanted/needed? jiang cheng. who had a sect to rebuild, and a child to raise, and arguments with jgy about how to raise said child to have

and jiang cheng a: has been working with lxc for 13/16 years even if they’re not ~friends~ and b: DOES NOT ENJOY IT WHEN PEOPLE SLACK OFF AND CAUSE TROUBLE FOR THEIR LOVED ONES. even if those loved ones are lwj! i assume! but especially because troubling lwj is now also troubling wwx and we KNOW how jiang cheng feels about that. NO he’s not hauling lxc out of seclusion for his brother BAKA

(you could get an extremely funny fake dating fic out of that tbh. jc panics and is like I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM and lxc is like sandu shengshou we have barely spoken outside of sect business for twenty years and jc is like but i can’t! talk to my brother!!!! and if there is one thing we know about lxc it is that he IS easily manipulated by polite pathetic men)

like i do feel like they would both be better off if they were a little bit more like each other, and obviously it would be extremely funny to completely ruin/upstage their brothers, but like

the personalities involved are...not exactly just. going to casually hook up. (can you imagine either of these men doing anything casually ever again after the temple. lxc is going to second guess every feeling he has for the rest of his life. jc is going to assume people only care about him inasmuch as they can use him. even if they were both for some reason mutually pining it would basically REQUIRE outside forces to intervene)

like these are both dudes who retreat into personas when threatened, and who are threatened by. basically everything at this point.

this post makes it sound like i like xicheng. i don’t mind the idea of it! but most of the stuff i see is so fucking bland! what’s the point!

(also i have never seen anyone make anything of the fact that jgy was DEFINITELY complaining about jc’s parenting opinions for the last 13/16 years and lxc, despite trying to be a fair person, is absolutely still predisposed to disapprove of jc’s parenting tactics. he loved jgy! he trusted him! he is going to have a lot of trouble getting the important parts of jgy’s personality out of himself, he can’t bother extricating every opinion he absorbed through long exposure!)

(also extremely funny: the idea of lxc offering a [mild] criticism of jc’s handling of jin ling and jc mcfreaking losing it, like any lan in history has any room to talk about literally anyone’s parenting strategies. what would you know about it! what children have you raised! and like. lwj was in seclusion and severely injured for the first three years a-yuan was a lan. lxc absolutely helped raise sizhui. but also if he mentions their brothers’ son to jiang cheng he will lose this argument even if he wins it)

[percontaion-points]

Elizabeth, Alpha of Dragons chapter 1

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Click here for the rest of the series!

Chapter 1

"Sophia's claim to her true blood status comes from the Sorensen line, the one that everyone believes is the ancestor of Sigurd. But this book is saying that the true spelling is Sorenson, not Sorensen." Hunter pointed to the letters to show me the difference. 

Avery slurped noisily at the last of his coffee, only glancing uneasily at Hunter's hand over mine. "That means she's a fake. She must've found a way to change the official records somehow. Everyone believes it, even the Queen."

You’re telling me that all of this comes down to a fucking clerical error? JFC how goddamned stupid can all of this possibly get?

"I think we have some very important work in Mongolia. Shoveling dragon manure, for instance."

Since they’re all dragons, wouldn’t that be the equivalent of shovelling human poop?

I twirled my hair around my finger and considered the risk of calling Shayne. I had no doubt that Garrett was watching my parents [sic] and my account. 

[...]

"I can't take your money; I have my own. I just need to access it somehow."

Here’s a hint: stop hiding behind the dragons and their problem, go home, and fucking deal with Garrett. 

"Where William and Emma were. About their family, that they had dragon babies. The document was dated right before she formed our team. She made it seem like we were going to save the world. We were going to have babies and grow the race. All along she knew that wolves could save the dragons. But they hate the wolves, so they buried the information." 

Imagine going extinct because you hated some other race more than you wanted your own race to continue. 

JFC, I say let these assholes go extinct. The phrase “too stupid to be alive” comes to mind. 

Smirking, I shook my head. "You wish." I caught his smile just before I shut the door.

Chapter 1 summary: We open on one of the boys (I have given up giving a shit about which one is which) finding something important in a file. Then the rest of the boys come into Andre’s office and get angry that the first one had sex with Liz. They start to fight, and then Liz gets angry at them and starts throwing office supplies at their heads for them to stop. 

They then go to a nearby cafe, where the one guy explains that he finally has dirt on Sophia. This entire time, her power has come because people believe that she’s from an important dragon family. But as it turns out, she’s somehow changed the records… Granted, it’s literally a one-letter change, but still. 

Sophia and Andre come in. Sophia is still angry that the one she was supposed to get married to called her out while they were literally at the altar. In front of everybody. Liz then stands up and pulls her own alpha power. Andre promises to talk to the queen about an official alpha challenge between the two of them. 

Hunter takes Liz back to his apartment, and gives her a credit card that Riley had arranged for her. The two of them then bang. When they’re finished, he tells her that he used to work as basically a bounty hunter. But one of them decided to murder Hunter’s parents as payback for… Failing to capture him the first time, I guess? 

He also says that he found evidence that Sophia 100% knew about the dragon shacking up with the wolf and having a bunch of babies. That she knew how to save the dragons, but decided to let her hate (and her desire to fuck the male leads) drive her actions instead. 

Later, some dude named James shows up. He makes no effort to hide how sexually attracted to Liz he is, and the entire thing is beyond icky. He tells Liz that the queen wants to have a word with her. Liz is like “Thanks, bye!” before she basically slams the door in his face. 

[yeschefthankyouchef]

i’m so perplexed right now because i LOVED this chapter but i’m also going to HATE the consequences of this chapter sjsjsjsjsjsjsj. gonna have to revisit this domesticity when the storm that this is going to cause actually hits.

“Donna’s cry’s had been relegated to silent sobs just moments ago, you watched as Nat put her own hurt and discomfort aside to assuage Donna’s nerves”

oh god not the funeral…. i’m not brave enough for this - the show spared me but i should’ve known that you wouldn’t sksjsjsjs

“Eva’s small head rested against yours playing with the pearls around your neck, the small girl could only understand so much of what was going on around her.”

this is such a soft moment in such a dark time and i’m living for the contrast.

“It was sudden, unexpected, and messy and it wasn’t the death Michael deserved. But what made it all the worse for you is that he was utterly and terribly alone.”

jfc it’s not even 10 AM and i’m bawling on the couch - that must be a new record.

“you couldn’t help but let your mind wander to all the things you could’ve done to save Mikey from himself.”

the absolute most dangerous pipeline to follow but also inevitable for baby unfortunately

“The warm grasp of his hand gave you the strength to turn your back and walk away from a man whose love, charisma, and smile you would never be blessed to see or experience again.”

i feel so attacked rn - i think i need to be billing you for my therapy. this was everything i imagined i would feel from a funeral scene but also somehow so much more gut wrenching at the same time.

“The only difference had been the program he received in the mail a week ago.”

damn. he didn’t even go? this is so on brand for him yet i also get why he wouldn’t want to go? but also hes simply never there for the people around him when they need him the most.

“not thinking about the ways his actions would affect those around him, affect the people who loved him.”

the way these traits so often run in the family…. carmy you need to look in the mirror before you’re even more sad and alone than you already are

“Carmy removed his phone from his pocket, the generic lock screen shining up at him with the time reading 2:30 am.”

oh my god is it baby? it has to be baby

“Carmy’s head nodded rapidly, staying glued to his spot for a moment before he signaled for you to follow him”

he is so ‘why so many word when few word do trick’ coded

“The shower gel is the same brand you used all those years ago on Christmas”

i know this is a serious moment of contemplation for baby but this just made me laugh so. hard. THIS is so on brand - man finds a product he likes and never strays again. *edit - OH MY GOD IT WOULD BE LAVENDER TOO WHY AM I CACKLING

“The deja vu the last few sequences of events had given you hadn’t gone unnoticed.”

yeah it painfully didn’t go unnoticed - fuck youuuuuuuu(lovingly)

“to see you looking as though you belonged with him in his bland apartment the clothes comfortably sitting on your body providing him with a feeling of domesticity he was one day hoping to have with you.”

the way he can still have that domesticity if he just pulled his head out of his ass, smdh

“Yo, what the fuck Baby,”

listen when she cut her hand i was so excited because ✨oooooh he’s gonna bandage her up✨ and the absolute sass is making it 1000x better. their banter gives me life lol

“It was official that you were weak for this man, the demanding tone in his voice shooting straight through you.”

she just like me fr

“he was unnerved as well because he wasn’t sure if this was love or infatuation.”

he is so stupid it pains me, ITS BEEN YEARS MY BOY!!! he is such a self saboteur

“Carmy held you in his arms he decided that he would try to give you pieces of himself that no one had ever seen; even if it would all end in hours.”

the way he’s so capable of being what she deserves but puts an expiration date on it anyways - i want to slap him into next week

“Did you maybe wanna join me,”

omg it’s a date

“Listen, boy, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. And I know you betta not be lying to that pretty girl over there.”

going to draft willie into my war against carmy being a fucking numbnut

“I want you to put on that pretty little dress you were gushing about on the way home”“Can you do that for me?”

i need him to shut the fuck up because i’m about to go full whore

“Can I,” Carmy paused a laugh escaping his lips at the similarities between this moment and a past one you shared. “Can I kiss you?” 

AGHHHHHT THINGS ARE GETTING LUKEWARM!!!! it’s still so bittersweet tho bc i know he’s going to go back to being a grade a asshole once she leaves new york. for how many times he’s acted like he’s changed he’s really giving her trust issues

“Carmen,” you waited for him to lock eyes with you, a sad smile spread across your features, tears you could no longer hold back coming forth. “I know.” 

i can’t even blame baby because i know i would let this man emotionally destroy me a thousand times over

“Please…I want this…with you.” The words unsaid weighing heavily between you two.”

oh my god my brain is malfunctioning, i truly am in awe that this is your first time writing smut

“You would come to regret the consequences of this decision later”

SAY IT AINT SO….. oh god the way my stomach dropped…

“Your arm was thrown over your face the fact that the two of you were in this position at all still mind blowing”

SHUT UP THIS IS WHERE THE POLAROID SYD SAW CAME FROM?!!!!

“He could go one day without his signature chain that he had so lovingly placed around your delicate neck.”

miss ma’am you lied to me - things got more than lukewarm in this kitchen!!!! now they need to translate this energy into present day!!! god i’m breathing so heavy about this line alone.

interlude two | anyone who had a heart

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣ |

pairing: carmy x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | carmen berzatto x his delusions | carmen berzatto x self-sabotage | fem!reader x weakness for short slutty men with blue eyes | fem!reader x slutty gold chains | fem!reader x BEING FUCKING WEAK FOR SMARMY CARMY |

summary: the devastion of mikey's passing pushes baby into the arms of the man she loves the most.

warning(s): death | grief | funeral | refusal to grieve | denial | kinda delusional behavior | unhealthy coping mechanisms | angst | fluff | longing | mutual pining | idiots in love | love drunk carmy | probably ooc!carmy | wise willie | zero accuracy regarding new york | baby letting men pump and dump her | SMUT | P IN V | UNPROTECTED SEX | SOFT!DOM READER | VANILLA SEX | EMOTIONAL TENDER SEX |

wc: 17.3k

edited to the best of my abilities. if things don't make sense i apologize!

March 1, 2022

The rain rhythmically bounced off the umbrella in Richie’s hand. Both of you huddled under the slightly too-small object, the majority of your bodies dry, but each of you felt your fair share of rain land squarely on you. The child in front of you, dry as a desert, her small stature an advantage.

All that could be heard was nature's tears singing against the various umbrellas and the voice of the priest that seemed to just drone on and on.

Donna’s cry’s had been relegated to silent sobs just moments ago, you watched as Nat put her own hurt and discomfort aside to assuage Donna’s nerves.

You had all but ignored the empty seat situated next to Natalie, not wanting to believe the truth of the situation. As you stared at the coffin resting several feet in front of you, you couldn’t help but wonder what the cold lifeless body lying inside looked like. You knew there was only so much that could be done to make a body with a hole in its head presentable, and that a closed-casket funeral was for the best.

It was selfish, but you wanted one last look at Mikey. Did he look peaceful? Was he finally freed from the vices that had for so long controlled him? You so hoped that wherever he was, wherever his soul found its spiritual comforts he was at peace.

A tug on the sleeve of your coat drew your attention. Looking down your eyes met Eva's, the little girl insisted on standing with you, her small toddler hand securely wrapped in your adult one. It felt a little odd to be standing here like this, a buffer between a family that was no more, while also serving as the memory of one family’s missing piece.

She raised her arms in a signal to be picked up. Funerals were no place for children to be, but what good was lying to them about the realities of life? You gently lifted her into your arms sitting her on your hip comfortably. Eva’s small head rested against yours playing with the pearls around your neck, the small girl could only understand so much of what was going on around her.

You felt Tiff step closer to you, arm wrapping around your waist so she leaned into Eva’s back. The comfort of the small family surrounding you keeps you grounded to the moment in front of you, not allowing your mind to think of the pain Mikey must’ve been in, or the voicemail that had gone unchecked for the past week.

Funerals were a funny thing for you, the last one you attended was your mom’s. And it wasn’t a competition, but her death was easier. That’s the thing with terminal illness; death is inevitable. You would never be prepared for any death in your life, but it was a bit easier knowing your mom didn’t have a fighting chance. Her decision to leave this realm behind was harder, but knowing her passing was painless and of her own volition helped.

But Mikey’s death was different. It was sudden, unexpected, and messy and it wasn’t the death Michael deserved. But what made it all the worse for you is that he was utterly and terribly alone.

And it wasn’t like anyone wasn’t privy to his substance abuse, but none of you knew the depths to which it ate away at him, how it slowly killed him and he kept pushing on for the sake of others.

Maybe you should’ve asked him more about how he was doing when you interviewed him. Maybe you shouldn’t have sent him a portion of your article. Standing at the cemetery as the funeral continued, even with little Eva cuddling into you and Tiff and Richie surrounding you; you couldn’t help but let your mind wander to all the things you could’ve done to save Mikey from himself.

Eva was asleep against your chest as you made your way to the fresh grave, Tiff in front of you and Richie closely behind doing his best to cover your small group with the umbrella. The rain hadn’t let up as you raised your dirt-filled hand over the pristine casket, this didn’t feel right at all. You had yet to cry since Sugar called you days ago with the news, it felt as though you were numb to the truth. Maybe it was your mind's way of protecting you.

But as long as the casket remained closed, and you never got one last peek at the man who had taught you that you deserved more than what you settled for. You could pretend for just a little longer that none of this was real.

Releasing your grip on the dirt you watched as it splashed across the top of the casket mixing with the droplets of rain. You hesitated for a minute turning your back on this casket felt too final, like leaving this cemetery would be closing a door in your life you were desperate to keep open.

Richie’s free hand came up to your shoulder, a soft squeeze pressed into your jacket. You looked back at him the same hurt and pain you were feeling reflected on his face. He gave you a small nod as a way to let you know that it was okay to walk away, that he understood the hurt you were feeling.

As Tiff walked off to her car, you held Eva in one hand and allowed Richie to grip your other. The warm grasp of his hand gave you the strength to turn your back and walk away from a man whose love, charisma, and smile you would never be blessed to see or experience again.

March 12, 2022

Carmy sat on his lawn chair watching the rain splash against the window that led to his balcony, the funeral program rested lazily on his lap held in place by his pack of cigarettes and lighter. He didn’t realize it but this had been his routine since he learned of his brother's passing.

He would come home not even bothering to change out of his work clothes and plop down in the creaky lawn chair, usually on his balcony but recently the weather hadn’t been calm enough for that.

Light up a cigarette and just bask in his despair.

The only difference had been the program he received in the mail a week ago. The newly acquired folded paper joined his after-work routine for the day after being left on the island in his kitchen since receiving it. 

Carmy wasn’t sure if he was angry at Mikey for choosing death, or if he was more hurt by what they would never again be able to experience with each other. He felt like once again Mikey had left him behind, not thinking about the ways his actions would affect those around him, affect the people who loved him.

The decision to skip the funeral wasn’t as hard as most would have thought. What good would Carmy have to offer by being there, it's not like anyone needed him. And anyway, he couldn’t just drop everything happening here in New York for a day, life didn’t work that way for him. 

Carmy knew he didn’t hate Mikey, he just didn’t understand his choices recently. Didn’t necessarily understand how much the prescriptions had fucked with his mind. And maybe in a selfish way, he wasn’t ready to understand, to forgive Mikey for leaving him so soon. Nothing to even show for the loss of the person who inspired him most besides the funeral program as an ugly reminder of what he could never be again.

A soft knock rang through the quiet apartment, the man inside happy to ignore it, sure it was just one of his neighbors doing whatever weird shit they usually did. He removed a cigarette from his pack standing up and setting the program in the chair before grabbing his lighter and moving to open the window.

He heard it again, this time a bit louder and more urgent sounding. Carmy removed his phone from his pocket, the generic lock screen shining up at him with the time reading 2:30 am.

No one had ever shown up at his apartment this late, not even the woman across the way who periodically tried to charm Carmy all kinds of inconvenient times of the night. The knocking finally stopped as muffled voices carried through the hallway outside his door.

Carmy wouldn’t consider himself a nosy neighbor but he did find himself a bit curious who was knocking at his door at such an hour it alerted another tenant. Cigarette sitting between his lips he made his way to the door, ear leaned against it as he tried to catch bits and pieces of the conversation happening out there.

Having no such luck he resorted to checking the peephole to find his neighbor outside her door talking with a woman who appeared to be soaked to the bone. Carmy watched for a moment, he couldn’t place it but something about the unknown woman looked familiar to him. He continued watching his neighbor motioning for the woman to wait outside for a moment while she grabbed something from her apartment.

Carmy was ready to return to his initial smoke break but found himself stopping as the woman faced his door. Heart stopping as he took in features he would remember for a lifetime. He quickly moved to unlock his door, throwing it open only to surprise the ghost of a woman standing in his hallway.

You ceased your knocking as you heard a door opening behind you, turning to face a woman who appeared to be around the same age as you. From her appearance, it didn’t seem like you had woken her up so you were grateful for that fact.

“You’re making a mess in the hallway,” her eyes traveled over your form. Your figure sopping wet from the downpour you just escaped from.

A tired sigh left your lips, “Um, I’m sorry to bother you, but do you know the guy who lives here?” Your hand motioned to the door that was at your back that you had just been knocking on. 

“You a friend or something?” The skepticism in the woman’s voice irked you, it was a yes or no question there was no need for her to give you the third degree.

You nodded trying to keep your cool. You were tired, dripping wet, and you weren’t even sure if Carmy was home. “Yeah, something like that.”

She gave you another once over before shaking her head back and forth, “No I don’t, sorry.” She began to close her door before you called out to her one last time.

“Wait sorry, is there any way I could use your phone, mine is dead,” you presented your phone as evidence, you didn’t want to be in this woman’s presence any more than she wanted to put up with you, but you needed to at least call a cab.

The subtle roll of her eyes caused the grip on your phone to tighten, luckily though the woman gave you a gesture to wait there before returning to her apartment.

You let out a sigh of relief, head dropping as your thoughts raced. You had no idea what the hell was going through your mind when you booked the last-minute flight. Having found Carmen’s address written on a forgotten piece of paper lying in the kitchen of the Berzatto family home.

The excuse to Sugar was that you had to meet with a potential interviewee for an upcoming article and couldn’t reschedule. You had already been in Chicago for longer than you originally planned, so what was one impromptu plane ride to the east coast?

There was no sign that the woman you bothered was coming back anytime soon so you decided to cut your losses, you would find a pay phone or something to use. You turned around sending one last look at Carmy’s door, the feeling that this was all for nothing setting in.

You went to pick up your bag from the ground when the sounds of a door unlocking caught your attention, raising back up to your full height as you watched the door you were initially knocking on harshly swing open.

Separated by a threshold Carmen Berzatto stood in front of you clad in his disheveled chef whites looking just as exhausted as you felt. You promised yourself you wouldn’t cry if this trip did end up paying off, but after five years without him, five years of hurting and hoping you could no longer hold back all the emotions the man evoked within you.

Your trembling lips raised into a pathetic smile as your eyes took all of him in, “Hi Carmy.”

The water dripped off of you as you awkwardly stood in the entryway to Carmy’s apartment. You watched him rush around to tidy up his apartment, he hadn’t said a word to you yet just opened his door wider with the expectation that you would enter.

“Carm,” your trembling voice doing nothing to stop the scrambling of the man in front of you.

“Carmen.” The name left your lips a little louder this time, finally gaining the man’s attention, his entire being turning in your direction but eyes never meeting yours. “Uh, could I maybe take a shower?”

Carmy’s head nodded rapidly, staying glued to his spot for a moment before he signaled for you to follow him. As you walked through the apartment to his bedroom you couldn’t help but take in just how Carmy-like the living space was.

Lacking personal touch and like he was ready to flee at a moment's notice; the only commitment the man could make was being a chef apparently.

You stopped in front of the bathroom looking around his room before finally focusing on him. “I, do you think I could borrow some clothes?”

Again Carmy nodded the man acting as though his voice box wasn’t working. You watched him move around his room wondering if he’d ever award you any form of attention or verbal acknowledgment. He stopped for a minute eyes finally finding yours, “Go ahead and get cleaned up, I’ll leave these on the bed.”

Your eyes found the contents in his hand before it was your turn to nod and head into the bathroom. You started the shower searching for a towel and washcloth as you waited for the water to heat up. This whole trip could very well be a mistake, but there was no going back now, you were here, and you had already used your miles. 

Slipping out of your wet clothes felt like a struggle, the heavy fabric clinging to you like a second skin. You quickly stepped into the shower, not wanting any of the water to go to waste. The steaming water helped to relax you, all your worries about your visit being set aside as you basked in the warmth radiating around you.

After standing under the shower head and allowing the water to caress your skin, you reached for the products Carmy had lined up in his shower. The shower gel is the same brand you used all those years ago on Christmas. Looking at the bottle in your hands you couldn’t help but think of all the ways in which Carmy wronged you, why you had allowed him to constantly hurt you, a fact you still couldn’t figure out.

And you couldn’t stand here in his shower glaring at a bottle the whole time you were here either. You took your time lathering your body allowing the calming aroma of lavender to invade your senses. Finishing you returned everything to its proper spot before rinsing your body and shutting the shower off.

Stepping out you wrapped the large fluffy towel around your body not chancing a glance at your reflection as you exited the bathroom. The door to the bedroom was closed and the clothes you saw in Carmy’s hands earlier sat in a neat pile on the bed. You perused the selection of a clean pair of boxer shorts, one of his many crew necks and a pair of socks were laid out for you.

The deja vu the last few sequences of events had given you hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

You would have to forgo a bra but you’d been in much more uncomfortable positions with Carmy than this. Dressing you made your way to the door, stopping for a moment to allow yourself a deep breath, you couldn’t be sure what you would be walking into. Along with the fact that you were in a city you had never been in and your return flight wasn’t for two more days, Carmy was your only option. 

The warmth in the apartment slapped you in the face as you left Carmy’s room, the heater had been turned on. You followed the trail you had first taken finding your way to the living room that doubled as a kitchen.

“Sit,” you were almost ready to argue with Carmy’s demanding tone, but the food situated on the island counter stopped you.

You made your way to the lone stool taking a seat, trying not to marvel at the food in front of you. Carmy’s water bill would be high for the month, you had apparently been in the shower long enough for a dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup to be made. Carmy still hard at work making something on the stovetop sans his chef jacket.

Eyeing the food in front of you, you couldn’t help the way your mouth watered. You greedily picked up a slice of the grilled cheese and dipped it into the hearty soup, The sigh of appreciation not going unnoticed by the chef a few feet away from you, a small smirk gracing his lips at the quiet sound you let out.

“Good?” The question caught you off guard, mouth still full, swallowing the bite in your mouth you set the rest of the sandwich down, eyes zeroing in on Carmy’s biceps that were put on full display by his form-fitting white shirt. 

“I’ve had better.” Carmy caught your shrug as he placed a steaming mug next to the rest of your food, doing his best not to outright smile at your stubborn attitude. He moved to lean his back against the sink, arms crossed over his chest as he studied you.

“Fuck Carmy,” the sigh left your lips reluctantly. “It’s actually fucking great.” So enthralled with the food set in front of you, you missed the pink blush that dusted across Carmy’s cheeks. The heat in the apartment almost felt like too much as the lewd words left your lips.

“Ahem, I uh, I’m gonna get cleaned up. Make yourself comfortable,” Carmy watched as you waved him off, the food you were eating stealing all of your attention.

Carmy watched you for a moment longer, still shocked that your physical presence was here in his apartment. He wasn’t sure what prompted this visit, or if he even deserved your attention after all the immature shit he had pulled. But he was thankful to see you doing well, to see you looking as though you belonged with him in his bland apartment the clothes comfortably sitting on your body providing him with a feeling of domesticity he was one day hoping to have with you.

The mug of hot chocolate in your hands helped to send warmth through your body. You were still sitting at the stool not sure what to do as Carmy freshened himself up. Now that you weren’t shivering cold and rushing through the apartment you could finally take in the less than cozy abode. 

It wasn’t much but you were sure it was enough for Carmy, taking a few sips of your drink you began ambling around the apartment, mug still gripped in your hands, a tether to reality. The living room wasn’t messy but more so what you would describe as Carmy’s version of organized clutter.

A small couch and television helped to offer a homey feeling. The out-of-place lawn chair caught your eye, and the corner of your lips quirked up at how fucking Carmy it was. You made your way to the window it was sitting in front of, the New York skyline at this time of the day still a sight to see. The rain gliding down the window felt like it matched the steady pace of your heartbeat.

Turning to the lawn chair the contents in the seat grabbed your attention. Leaning over you picked up the unassuming paper, a jolt of sadness rushing through you as you read over the program. The funeral a week ago is still stuck in the back of your mind, the closed sleek black casket haunting your eyelids every night.

You quickly replaced the program in its original spot. You had come here intending to confront Carmy about his absence, but the more you stood in his apartment, the more you realized you weren’t actually ready to hear Carmy’s truth.

48 hours was all you had here, if you decided to use it as an escape, so be it. You would have to return to the reality that Mikey was dead sooner than later. You were allowed to let yourself use the time spent here as an escape from reality. You could use your time here to reprimand Carmy for his life decisions, or you could use the borrowed time to relish in finally seeing him after five years and try to figure out the back and forth the two of you have been participating in for a majority of your lives.

Mikey would understand, he wanted you to be happy, so it was okay to pretend for a little while that he’d be waiting there in Chicago when you got back right?

You made your way back to the kitchenette needing a distraction from the very thoughts you were running away from. You finished off your hot cocoa before grabbing your remaining dishes and heading to the sink. Washing dishes was the first distraction you could think of. 

As you made your way to the sink the sound of a door opening and feet padding across the floor could be heard. Quickly turning on the faucet you reached for the dish rag sitting in the sink, a sharp gasp escaping your lips at the pain that shot through the base of your palm, the running water easily turning a translucent pink color.

Snatching your hand back you spotted the blade of a knife that was covered in drops of your blood and haphazardly hidden under the dish rag. Your good hand reached to move the dish rag and grab the offending object. 

Finally getting a good grip on the knife, you were shocked at the familiarity of it, the personal initials carved into the handle proving your theory. The last time you laid eyes on these they were neatly tucked away into a luxurious gift box that Carmy discarded just as easily as he discarded you the morning after Christmas. 

And you thought they had been left in the same spot all these years, collecting dust in his childhood bedroom. But as you held a knife from the set in your hand, and your eyes moved to the remaining set delicately placed on the counter not too far away, you realized that to be nowhere near the truth. 

“Yo, what the fuck Baby,” your attention turned to Carmy’s voice behind you his figure clad in a pair of sweats and a white tank top. That stupid fucking gold chain that you had dreamed of taking between your teeth one too many times glistened against the firmness of his chest.

The delicate grip on your injured hand tore your eyes from the sinful chain. Carmy’s eyes raised your hand to his face examining the seriousness of the wound, “What happened?” 

“Cut myself,” you raised the knife in your hand to show him, watching as his eye darted between you and the tool he took so much pride in owning.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Carmen Berzatto’s attitude would never cease to surprise you.

You scoffed quickly snatching your hand from his grip, and walking to grab the dish towel hanging from his oven, “I didn’t do it on purpose you fucking idiot.” 

Carmy began rummaging around in his cabinets his search not continuing for too long before he made his way over to you, first aid kit in his grasp. You were honestly surprised he owned one sure he’d rather bask in his pain than take care of himself.

Your good hand shot out aiming to grab the first aid kit from his hands. The slight slap to your hand caused your mouth to drop open, who the hell did he think he was?

“Give me the kit Carmen.” You watched as his eyes met yours, the once blank expression on his face morphing into a frown. 

“Don’t say my name like that,” you rolled your eyes before reaching out once again, only to receive the same result. “Just let me help you. Why are you being so fucking stubborn!”

You raised your eyebrows not expecting Carmy to yell at you. Your hand reluctantly came up between the two of you so he could bandage it up. It was official that you were weak for this man, the demanding tone in his voice shooting straight through you. 

The two of you sat in silence as Carmy cleaned the cut, the consensus was that you didn’t need stitches so the ointment and bandages Carmy had would do. You watched as he worked, hands delicately mending your wound he was so focused on.

When he finished you lowered your hand watching as he cleaned up before you made your exit to the living room, sitting on one side of the couch. Your back was to the kitchen as Carmy finished tidying up, the only sign he followed you out was him walking around the couch in your peripheral.

He joined you on the couch choosing the safe option and sitting directly across from you, the space speaks volumes. You brought your legs up to your chest, if this was a month ago you probably would have let all your hurt and anger guide you in this moment. 

But as life taught you, the universe was eager to snatch away people you thought you had forever with. 

It was silent for a little longer, the both of you avoiding eye contact. You finally turned to face him wanting to understand the choices he made regarding the situation between you two.

“Carmy?” You rested your chin atop your knees as he finally provided you with his full attention, “Did I do something wrong?”

His eyebrows raised, whether, from shock or surprise, you couldn’t be sure. You watched as his eyes darted across the room like he was looking for an anchor. You weren’t too sure who adult Carmy was, because the boy you used to know easily held conversations with you, even the tough ones. 

“I just…I want to understand you, Carmy. And I want to know why I’m not good enough for you,” as soon as those words left your lips it was like you were looking at 18-year-old Carmy again. “I thou-we seemed to be in a good place after Christmas dinner, but then I woke up alone and…and it felt like we were back at square one like you ghosted me all over again.”

You were staring directly into Carmy’s eyes, it was hard but it needed to be done. You needed him to see, to understand how much his actions continued hurting you. 

His hand raised in a gesture you had seen too many times to count, fingers running through his hair. If he didn’t want to have this conversation you couldn’t force him to, but you also wouldn’t keep allowing him to run in and out of your life when it was convenient for him. The two of you were friends once, and you weren’t going to allow him to continue exploiting the love you had for him.

Your arms wrapped around your propped-up legs, a security blanket for the words you were about to force out. “You can be honest with me, Carmy. If you told me you wanted nothing to do with me I’d be on the next flight out of here.” You waited for anything, a sigh, words, but all you got was his steel blue eyes staring you down in the space across from you. 

A sardonic chuckle escaped your lips as you quickly wiped the tears racing down your cheeks. Head falling back to stare at the ceiling as a way to not allow Carmy to see your tears, before calming yourself down enough to meet his gaze head-on.

“I can’t be the only one that wants more for us Carmy.” You could see the light reflecting off the glazed film in his eyes. “And I don’t think I am. But you’re inconsistent with your feelings, and I know it’s wrong of me to spring this on you considering the circumstances…but I just need honesty Carmy, that’s all.”

You said your peace, but you weren’t sure what else you could say to try to make him understand and maybe that was the problem, maybe he didn’t want to understand. You leaned into the couch cushion for comfort. The distance stretching between you was nowhere near as hurtful as the silence.

The fatigue from your flight was beginning to set in, you rushed everything to make it here that you hadn’t realized how much of a toll it took on you. 

Carmy watched you from his side of the couch, arms crossed against his chest. There was so much he wanted to say to you but didn’t know how. He knew you deserved the truth, but it had never before been asked of him in this context. He was scared of the fact that he wanted more with you; it  frightened him.

The idea he had of the two of you in his head was intoxicating and unnerving all at once. He could admit to himself that he dreamed of a life with you, and found himself lost in thought too many times to count about what it would be like to come home after a long shift to you there waiting for him.

Carmen was intoxicated by the idea of spending the rest of his life with you, a continuous beacon in your life that surpassed the title of friend and edged into something more. But he was unnerved as well because he wasn’t sure if this was love or infatuation.

Loving you unnerved Carmy, firstly because he wasn’t sure how he would know he was in love with you or not. And secondly, he didn’t know how to love you and wasn’t sure if he was capable of it. If there was one thing Carmy knew it was that you were deserving of a life-altering love, a love that transcended lifetimes if possible.

But he was almost positive he couldn’t be that person for you, he wasn’t deserving of you.

“I uh, I tried calling you,” Carmy stopped to collect himself, he wanted to talk to you, to let you understand him like you once did. “You changed your number. And that’s not an excuse. I understood why. I just…I guess I took it as a sign that there was nothing left for us.”

His eyes met yours searching for any sort of reaction, any form of acknowledgment. Your puffy eyes and tear-stained face stared back at him, his heart clenching in his chest at the emotional distress he constantly put you through.

“I um,” a placating smile raised to Carmy’s lips as he fumbled with his fingers as a distraction. “I can’t-Baby I-we both know I can’t give you what you deserve.” Carmy did his best to play off the watery undertone in his voice, eyes quickly darting up to yours as he heard your sniffles.

Carmy watched as your head rapidly nodded up and down, a sad knowing smile stretching across your lips. The tightness in his chest increased tenfold, his hand coming up to press into the middle of his chest, hoping to alleviate the pain. 

“I um, I think I would like to go to sleep if that’s okay?” You raised your head to look at Carmy, you told him you would accept his rejection, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t going to hurt. 

Carmy nodded getting up and walking towards you, holding his hand out to help you up. You allowed him to grasp your soft hand in his firm calloused one, head down as he led you to his bedroom. He motioned for you to sit down on his bed as he escaped into the bathroom, coming back a moment later with tissues in his hand.

You avoided his eyes as he bent down on his knees in front of you, gently using the collected tissue to dab at your puffy face. You couldn’t help the sorrowful laugh that escaped your lips, the scene reminded you of when the two of you were growing up and Carmy would always help clean your face after a good cry.

A tight smile formed on his lips as his eyes met yours, the two of you probably thinking of the same memories. He finished drying your face before returning to the bathroom to throw away the tissues. Carmy helped you up from the bed to pull down his comforter before allowing you to get in.

He watched as you scooted over to make room for him awaiting his entrance, “Uh lemme just tidy up out there.” Both of you knew it was an excuse but neither were brave enough to admit it. 

Carmy quickly left the room heading straight for the small duffle you had brought with you. He was sure the rain had soaked through your bag and wet your belongings. Making his way to the closet where his washer and dryer were located he easily fit your clothes into the wash, not wanting you to be stuck in his clothes for however long you were there.

He found your laptop bag in there as well, quickly removing it from its confines and drying it with a clean kitchen towel. Placing the laptop on his counter he made his way around the kitchenette to clean up the mess your blood made and finish off the dishes you hadn’t been able to wash. All of this was a distraction to the warm body he knew was waiting up for him in bed, he felt the urge to prolong the inevitable but realized he might never get this chance again.

Carmy quickly finished his clean of the front room, it wasn’t up to his usual standards but he could no longer deny himself the thing he wanted most in that moment; to wrap you up in his arms and hope he’d never have to let go.

Making sure all appliances were off and starting the washer, he quickly made his way back into his bedroom, closing the door as quietly as he could. He stood in the middle of the room for a minute, the figure peacefully lying in his bed not something he was used to. Carmy quietly crept over to the empty side of the bed lifting the covers and allowing himself to slide in.

Carmy knew you weren’t asleep and any other time he might’ve felt embarrassed to be so eager to be near you, but something about being in your presence felt right. Carmy made sure to scoot close to you, arm moving to wrap around your midsection and bring you closer to him, the need to feel your body pressed against his barely being satisfied.

His face found its way to the crook of your neck, taking a deep breath, the lavender scent he loved so much dancing across his senses. The sigh you let out into the night was a sign that you both wanted this just as much.

Carmy moved his head up a few inches, lips brushing against the ‘B’ hidden behind your ear. There wasn’t a day he didn’t think about the hidden ink stain or the words you said to him when he first found it.

Pressing one more soft kiss against the inkblot Carmy felt as you relaxed into him. Your warm body in his arms once more provided a feeling of bliss he wasn’t aware he needed.

You both knew the position you were in and the soft caress of Carmy’s lips against your skin, was a direct contradiction of the claims he made earlier. But neither of you would be the voice of reason in these 48 hours you had together.

Whatever happened between the two of you during this time would be welcomed with open arms. You and Carmy were on borrowed time, there would be time for regrets later, but as Carmy held you in his arms he decided that he would try to give you pieces of himself that no one had ever seen; even if it would all end in hours. 

“Sweet dreams Baby.” 

Carmy looked most at peace while sleeping, the stress and exhaustion seemed to have melted off of him as his mind transported him to the land of dreams.

You had been awake for some time now, Carmy’s presence helpful enough to allow you a few peaceful hours of sleep. But the inevitable thoughts of a life lost would always haunt you through the night. So here you were watching the slight rise and fall of Carmy’s chest, his lips parted slightly. He looked adorable like this but you felt a little weird just watching someone sleep. 

Your hand raised gently moving the waves out of Carmy’s face, leaning in slightly to press a delicate kiss on his forehead before quietly making your way out of the bed. It was a little tricky to open the door without waking Carmy but you had managed.

Leaving the hallway that led to Carmy’s room you entered the living room, searching for the duffle you brought with you. Only to find it open on the floor, your toiletry bag the only item that remained in the bottom of the bag. Confusion swept across your face as you tried to figure out where the rest of your belongings were.

Looking around the living area you spotted your laptop resting on the counter, your laptop bag sitting on a towel next to it. You would figure things out later. The first thing you wanted to do right now was to brush your teeth.

You quickly tip-toed back into Carmy’s room and the bathroom quietly shutting the door behind you and beginning your morning routine. Now refreshed you exited the bathroom, a small smile gracing your lips as you took in Carmy’s still-sleeping figure. 

Perusing the fridge and pantry you found a lack of any edible food. The few things available allowed you to whip up some French toast. You were no chef and maybe you should’ve left the cooking to Carmy but you were hoping this could be an olive branch for the two of you. If Carmy didn’t want to be with you romantically, maybe the two of you could work on mending your friendship.

Carmy woke up to an empty bed, his first thoughts that you had escaped in the night, his heart clenching a bit at the thought. He couldn’t be mad he pulled the same stunt on you, turning to lay on his back he stared at his ceiling, mind racing as he thought about the conversation from yesterday. 

Carmy knew he wanted to be happy, and he also knew he wanted that with you. He just didn’t know the first thing about romantic love or how to explicitly make his wants clear to you. It seemed as though he’d never get that chance, you were serious about catching the next flight out. 

Sitting up in bed he looked around, trying to gain his bearings. The sound of his bedroom door opening jolted him from his thoughts. He watched as you walked in with two plates in your hands, the smell of French toast invading his senses. His eyes found yours as you stopped in the doorway a small shy smile sent in his direction.

“I made us breakfast,” Carmy watched you make your way towards him, taking a plate off your hands as you sat on the bed in front of him. “I hope you don’t mind French toast, you uh didn’t have much to work with.” 

Carmy’s eyes subtly lit up at the fact that you were still there, that you hadn’t left. “No, yeah this is great, you uh, used cinnamon and everything.” The shy teasing smile on Carmy’s face caused a small chuckle to bubble out of you.

The two of you ate in silence for the most part, each of you stealing glances at one another while the other wasn’t paying attention. Shy smiles sent each other’s way when one of you would catch the other’s eye. 

You watched as Carmy took the plate from your hands and made his way to the door, you sat there for a moment watching him walk away before getting up and following behind him. You silently took a seat on the stool at the counter watching as Carmy began cleaning the remaining breakfast dishes.

The stretch of his back muscles under the tank top he was wearing was a sight to see. It surprised you a bit how toned Carmy was considering he lived and breathed being a chef, you didn’t expect him to have free time to worry about his physique. 

You waited as Carmy finished sending him a small smile as he finally faced you. He made his way to you, the two of you separated by the counter, his forearms resting on the counter accentuated his toned biceps.

“I actually need to go to the farmer’s market today,” you waited to see if there was anything more he had to say but the silence drew on.

“Oh, I can stay here, I have work to finish.” You gestured your hand to the laptop not far from the two of you, trying not to let your disappointment show.

“Did you maybe wanna join me,” Carmy waited for your response, eyes darting around your face hoping you would say yes.

“Do you…want me to join you?” You could laugh, the two of you sitting here beating around the bush like two teenagers. 

You waited as you took in Carmy’s shy demeanor, the blush rising from his neck, you were tempted to point it out but didn’t want him to close himself off like you were used to. 

“I want you to come with me to the farmers market.” Carmy made sure to look you in the eyes as the words left his mouth, sure that he was red in the face but wanting you to know how much he wanted to spend time with you. 

The two of you stared at each other for a while, the toothy grin on your face mirroring the his smaller one. The small nod of your head was everything Carmy needed to see for his heartbeat to calm down. He watched as you giddily got up from your seat presumably to get ready.

“Oh um did you do something with my clothes?” The smile didn’t seem to be leaving your face anytime soon.

Carmy cleared his throat hand raising to scratch the back of his neck, “Yeah I, uh I washed them, they’re in my closet.” 

You couldn’t deny that those words made your heart pick up speed a bit, the idea of feeling giddy that your clothes were in Carmy’s closet was a bit childish, but you would take what you could get at this point. 

“Oh, okay I’ll just go get ready then.” Your hand gestured to the room behind you.

“Yeah,” Carmy couldn’t help but marvel at the idea of you getting ready in his apartment, it was almost like he could pretend this was his reality.

“Yeah,” you didn’t know why you were acting like a love-struck teenager but Carmy just brought it out of you.

“Okay,” Carmy nodded his head signaling you to take your leave.

“Oka-.”

“Baby just go get fucking ready.” A huff of laughter escaped Carmy at the way you were acting.

Carmy stood by the counter watching as you ran off to prepare yourself for the day. He couldn’t stop the smile from gracing his lips as he listened to your melodic laughter sing through the emptiness of his apartment.

You had split from Carmy a few booths back, the two of you deciding it was for the best. Your constant wandering off to booths that intrigued you put Carmy in a panic when he would look to see you no longer at his side. 

It was your first time in New York and you were just happy to take in this small portion of what the city had to offer. The farmer’s market here was similar to the ones you’d been to back home, though the weather would take some getting used to, not like you needed to. You’d be back in Chicago before you knew it. 

You found a small flea market-type area towards the back of the farmers market. Vendors gathered around selling handmade items and keepsakes. A few minutes into your perusal of the area you found a vendor selling handmade clothing items. A pretty cami dress caught your eye that the vendor exclaimed you just had to have, and who were you to turn down a beautiful dress selling for a decent price in the streets of New York.

With the dress nicely tucked away into a paper bag gently swinging from your arm, you decided it was time to make your way back to the entrance of the farmers market and wait for Carmy. On your journey back you stopped at a vendor selling handmade leather goods, a particular leather wallet drawing your attention.

The familiarity of it caused you to let loose a shuddering breath, the small item reminded you of Mikey’s wallet. Although his was more used, worn in. Standing on this street and looking down at the pristine wallet in front of you was almost like looking at a replica.

You remembered asking him once why he chose to use the ratty old thing and the smart-ass response he had given you. The fact that an inanimate object that had no ties to Mikey was causing this sort of reaction inside you, felt too real, it felt like grief was prepared to sink its claws into you. 

And you couldn’t allow it, because you were in New York finally on somewhat good terms with Carmy. And Mikey would be waiting for your return to Chicago, eager to hear about your time with his little brother. 

“Would you like to buy it, miss?” Your eyes found the vendors, a forced smile tracing your lips.

You slowly shook your head feeling a little bad for turning down goods from a small business, you just didn’t need the wallet, especially not one that would remind you of him every day.

The walk back to the farmers market felt melancholy: the promise to yourself to compartmentalize Mikey and his situation was becoming harder the more time you spent alone. Your search for Carmy became more urgent the longer you couldn’t find him. The racing images of Mikey’s casket swirling with your recent moments spent in Carmy’s presence. 

You didn’t want to burden Carmy with the debilitating thoughts you were having, not wanting to ruin the good thing the two of you had going. Neither of you brought up the elephant in the room and it seemed like neither of you was going to. The both of you content to live in momentary bliss for the time you had together. 

It felt like you were spiraling and all because of some stupid too similar fucking wallet. You finally made your way to the entrance of the market hoping Carmy would know to look for you there.

Carmy gathered the ingredients necessary for the dinner he planned for tonight, luckily for him the restaurant was closed on Sundays so he could spend the day with you. 

He still wasn’t sure that any of this was real. You showing up outside his apartment at two in the morning, holding you as you slept, and now adventuring out to the market he frequented, it all felt like a dream.

There was one last stop Carmy needed to make before he met up with you. He made his way to the old flower vendor who was always the first one here to ensure he set up a show at the entrance. Carmy had his fair share of conversations with the man but had never actually bought any flowers off of him, but today was the day that changed. 

“Carmen is that you?” Carmy raised his head from the flowers he was glancing at, the old man sitting on the stool smiling his way.

“Yes sir. How you doing today Willie?” Carmy wasn’t much into friends or acquaintances since the two of you parted ways all those years ago, but Willie was a special case. Always kind, on Carmy’s first visit to this particular market the older man had explained to him the layout and gave him insider information about what times were best to come to ensure he got the freshest ingredients from each vendor. 

“You thinking about buying something today son?” The older man rose from his seated position plopping the paper he was reading in his place.

Carmy nodded eyes going back to the various flowers to choose from. This wasn’t Carmy, he had never done something like this, not willingly at least. But he knew flowers could symbolize different things, and have different meanings. And if he couldn’t figure out how to be straightforward and speak with you, maybe a hand-picked bouquet could solve that issue. 

“Looking for anything in particular?” He glanced at Willie, a slight frown marring his face, he genuinely had no idea.

Carmy chuckled, hand raising to scratch the nape of his neck, “I’m not sure Willie.” He felt a little embarrassed. How was he to translate his feelings to you through horticulture if he knew nothing about flowers and their meanings.

“Well help me out boy, tell me who they’re for an maybe I can whip something up for you.” It was like perfect timing as Carmy heard your voice trickling into his ears. You were standing on the other side of the entrance phone to your ear as you spoke to somebody, a look of exhaustion on your features.

Carmy’s eyes caught yours as you glanced in his direction, he watched that beautiful smile appear as you quickly ended the call with whoever you were talking to, smile mirroring yours as you two stared at each other across the distance. Your hand raised in a shy wave smile growing wider as Carmy reciprocated the gesture. 

“Now Carmen, why didn’t you tell me these were for your old lady,” Carmy’s head shot around to find Willie smirking at him from his side of the booth. “Is that the young lady in that picture you keep in your wallet?” 

Carmy watched frozen, as Willie moved around his booth, trying his best to figure out when the older man had ever caught a glance at the picture of you two. “Uh, she’s just a friend sir.” 

“Listen, boy, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. And I know you betta not be lying to that pretty girl over there.” The flowers in Willie’s hand were used to point in your direction. 

“I saw the way she looked at you just now son, that girl is in love,” Carmy listened as Willie began constructing the bouquet, ears tuned to what the man was saying. 

“I’ll give it to you straight boy, you’re gonna regret every chance you didn’t take with that young lady. Now I don’t know the situation between you two, but what I do know is that you look at that girl like she invented oxygen, I know because that’s how I looked at my Debbie.” Carmy was raptly intrigued with Willie’s words, watching the sad smile take over his lips as he mentioned his recently deceased wife.

“And from our interactions you don’t seem to me like the type to let rare opportunities pass you by,” the bouquet seemed to be pretty much finished, the older man just putting the final touches. “Now you give that pretty young lady this here bouquet, you make her a nice dinner like I’m sure you planned. And you let her know how much you appreciate her.” 

Carmy nodded his head rapidly trying to take in everything the older man said. His breath hitched in his throat as he watched Willie wave you over to them.

“Excuse me miss? Why don’t you come on over here and join us.” Carmy could feel the panic rising within him.

“N- Willie No don-.”

“Hush up boy and introduce me to your lovely girl.” You stopped next to Carmy eyes widening as you took in the unknown man's words. 

You looked at Carmy as he brought his hand up to swipe across his mouth, a tight-lipped smile lining his lips afterwards.

“Hi sweetie I’m Willie Carmen’s only friend in this city,” you laughed as the man winked at you before holding his hand out listening as you introduced yourself. 

“It’s nice to meet you Willie, you have some beautiful flowers, do you harvest them yourself?” The man in front of you waved off the compliment with a serene smile on his face.

“My wife and I started selling at this market 20 years ago. This is my first year without her.” The smile on your lips faltered as you offered your condolences.

“Now I don’t wanna keep you too long, but this bouquet here is for you to miss.” You looked at Carmy before your eyes found Willie’s again, your cheeks warming at what the man was insinuating. 

“Oh um, thank you so much. How much do I owe you?” Your wallet was out and ready in your hand, Carmy’s hand shooting out to stop you as he thrust money forward. 

“Y’all put that money away now,” Willie shook his head scoffing at the idea of either of you paying.

He held out the bouquet in your direction, the smile lining his face urged you to take it. You couldn’t help but marvel at the beautiful bouquet, the colorful assortment helping to ease the foreboding feeling you had earlier. 

“Our friend Carmen here chose each of those flowers,” you looked in Carmy’s direction, the blush on his face so endearing to you. “I went on ahead and tucked a card in there with their meanings. You two make a fine pair, don’t let life get in the way of the love you share, you hear me?”

You nodded avoiding Carmy’s eyes like your life depended on it, easily listening to the wisdom Willie was bestowing upon the two of you. 

“The world is kind but she is also cruel. She will take away the things we love even if we’re not ready to part with them. Love each other loudly and with no regrets, it's always good to see young love prosper.”  The sad look in Willie’s eyes pulled at your heartstrings, you stood there wondering if he had any regrets. 

The clearing of Carmy’s throat finally drew your attention from the wise older man in front of you. “Thank you Willie really, but we should be heading home.” 

Willie nodded a pleasant smile on his lips, “Damn right! The two of you holdin up my business.” The older man shooed the two of you off a chuckle followed his gesture. 

“It was nice meeting you Willie, thank you again for the beautiful bouquet.” You sent him one last wave before you and Carmy moved away from the booth.

“It’s a gorgeous bouquet Carmy,” you glanced over the flowers before your eyes locked with Carmy’s, a loving smile splitting your face. 

Carmy smiled, unconsciously reaching out to move a stray piece of hair from your eyes, hurriedly dropping his hand and clearing his throat. “Let’s get them home and into some water yeah?” Carmy’s eyes darted around doing his best not to stare at you for too long.

You looked down trying to hide your smile, the word ‘home’ filled you with warmth. Your hand reached out to intertwine his with your own, avoiding Carmy’s eyes as they finally focused on you, “Lead the way.”

The gentle squeeze of your hand in Carmy’s made you smile, the two of you making your way back to his apartment. Neither of you mentioned holding hands as you journeyed home, just like neither of you said anything as you melted into his safe embrace on the subway ride.

The two of you entered the small apartment, your laughs filtering through the hallway and into the entranceway. A run-in with Carmy’s neighbor across the hall was responsible for the now-dying laughter between the two of you.

“Is she always like that?” You stopped allowing Carmy to help you out of your jacket before he hung it up. You turned to him, taking the bags out of his hand as you made your way to the kitchen. Setting them on the counter before searching for something to hold your flowers. 

Carmy followed behind you after removing his own coat, hands falling to your waist as he moved around you to unload the few groceries he had gotten for tonight. “She uh, airdropped me a nude once, so right now was pretty tame I guess.” 

Your headshot to Carmy’s everything in you holding back the laugh that was desperately trying to escape. “Poor girl. Did you send one back?” You nudged your elbow into his watching as the blush on his cheeks deepened.

He maneuvered around you trying to ignore your teasing, “God no, we uh went out for drinks once, it was cool.” 

The crumbs he was giving you surprised you, “And nothing like came out of that?”

“I dunno was something supposed to?” Carmy made sure not to give you direct attention, mortified that he was even having this conversation with you in his kitchen.

“Well did you want it to?” You didn’t know why you had latched onto this topic of conversation so hard, it reminded you of the times Carmy would ramble to you about Claire. And if you were just spending the weekend with a friend wasn’t this the type of conversation you should be engaging in? 

Carmy turned to you as you finally found a glass big enough to support the bouquet, he watched as you filled the glass with water before trimming the stems. “Not with her, no.”

You looked up to see Carmy finally looking at you with a serious expression painting his flushed face. You couldn’t help it as your eyes dropped to his lips, clocking the subtle peak of his tongue poking out as he wet his lips. 

Carmy made his way towards you, Willie's words from earlier bouncing around in his head. He pulled the flower from your hand and placed it in the large glass he wasn’t even aware he had. He cleared his throat hoping he had enough confidence to get these words out.

“I’m gonna start on dinner, and you’re gonna go get ready,” his hand came up to hold the left side of your jaw, finger finding the spot behind your ear he always took special care to remember. “I want you to put on that pretty little dress you were gushing about on the way home.” Carmy stopped watching as you nodded your head showing that you were paying attention.

“Can you do that for me?” His eyes traced your face looking for any signs that you were uncomfortable.

Your lidded eyes lazily blinked up at him a quiet ‘yes’ escaped through your parted lips. A small smile rested on Carmy’s lips as he leaned in to plant a delicate kiss on your forehead, lips lingering for a moment too long.

He reluctantly removed himself from you waiting for you to scurry off. Surprised when you took a step closer to him and leaned in, a gentle press of your lips connecting to the corner of his. Carmy watched as you pulled away and smiled at him before taking your leave.

Carmy stood in his kitchen for a minute, heart racing as he realized what he had just done. The only place Carmy had ever been in control was in the kitchen, so maybe that’s why it was so easy for him to take control in that moment, well that and Willie’s lecture.

He was sure it would never happen again as he began preparing the ingredients for the lasagna he planned to make for the two of you. 

You and Carmy had switched places a few minutes ago after he walked in on you wrapped in a towel and profusely apologized  for almost a whole minute. You easily slipped into your dress while Carmy was in the shower. 

As you walked into the living room you could smell the delicious aroma of the cuisine Carmy prepared for the two of you. You were glad to be out of Carmy’s presence for the time being, your brain doing its best to process the moment the two of you had shared in the kitchen. 

The cold shower you took did nothing to calm down the feelings swirling around inside you. You had never seen Carmy so in control of anything in his life, the demanding tone he used with you earlier almost had you making a fool of yourself right there in his kitchen. 

A constant beep coming from the oven drew your attention, you quickly made your way to the kitchen grabbing a towel to remove the hot dish from its place resting in the oven. You couldn’t help but marvel at the pretty lasagna in your hands. It was a bit weird to describe food as pretty, but the presentation was generally pleasing to the eyes.

You walked to the countertop to set the dish down, turning to search through the kitchen for plates and utensils. Having a slightly hard time as you had no idea where anything was located at.

“Baby?” The sound of Carmy’s voice startled you, not having heard him make his approach. 

You turned in his direction, a light laugh leaving your lips. It was a bit comical, the two of you dressed nicely, feet bare in his New York apartment. You took in his appearance biting your lip as you spotted his chain that encouraged you to do sinful things. He was dressed in probably the only slacks he owned, the ankles cuffed since he wasn’t wearing shoes. The deep green crew neck hugging his body was similar in color to the dress you were wearing, the unexpected matching caused another laugh to leave your lips. 

The box in his hand finally caught your attention, it appeared to be a present of some sort. You pointed at it with the random spoon you had picked up while searching for cutlery. 

“What’s that?” You furrowed your brows as you watched Carmy revert to his usual shy self. 

He held the gift out to you, “Go ahead, open it.” Your hand brushed his as you took the box from his hold feeling a bit giddy at the unsolicited gift.

Carmy held his breath as he watched you open a five-year-old gift in his kitchen. You looked beautiful and he wanted to tell you but couldn’t seem to force the words out too enthralled with the intimate atmosphere that had been surrounding the two of you since earlier in the kitchen. 

Carmy was a fool for leaving you the morning after Christmas and knowing that he let Mikey down when it came to you haunted him. He was glad to have these days with you, it wasn’t healthy but the two of you were providing a distraction for each other. 

“Carmy oh my goodness,” the gasp of your breath brought Carmy back to reality. His cheeks warmed at seeing you so happy. “How much did this even cost you, these things are like relics.” Your eyes flashed to the smile on your face seeming to brighten up the kitchen.

“It doesn’t matter, I bought this for Christmas and just…I never sent it.” He was prepared for you to scold him for his stupidity, tell him you didn’t care for the gift, and that you couldn’t play pretend with him anymore. 

The press of your warm body against his surprised him, quickly wrapping his arms around your waist. Holding onto you so tightly scared that if he let you go then you would disappear and he’d realize this weekend was just a dream.

“I love it Carmy really, thank you.” Your arms were still wrapped around his neck as the two of you gazed into each other's eyes. 

“Can I,” Carmy paused a laugh escaping his lips at the similarities between this moment and a past one you shared. “Can I kiss you?” 

You wasted no time before you leaned forward pressing a sweet kiss into his lips lingering for a moment to translate the love you felt for him. Carmy’s hand moved up to your jaw, keeping you locked in place against him, his tongue slipping out to caress your bottom lip.

You slowly opened your mouth allowing him in, the softness of his tongue exploring the warmth of your mouth. The kiss was slow, sensual, all the pent-up emotions being shared between the two of you. 

The rhythm Carmy set was easy for you to follow along with, you took the chance to suck on his tongue a bit, losing yourself in the feelings this one kiss was bringing forth.

You parted from Carmy reluctantly, a small smile raised to your lips as you watched him chase you for more. A soft moan escaped you as he began decorating kisses down your jaw and to your neck, tilting your head back to allow him better access, surprise painting your features as he raised you to sit on his counter. 

Carmy continued to study you with his lips, tracing down your pulse point and across your collarbone. It would never be enough for him, he would never be able to satisfy his hunger for you no matter how much of your skin his lips could paint. 

The soft whimpers snatched from your lips going straight to his groin, his hips unconsciously canting against your leg that was in perfect alignment. 

“Touch me Carmy…please,” Carmy swore he could cum from the sound of your begging alone.

But he stopped his ministrations, the realization that he had no idea what he was doing hitting him like a ton of bricks. 

You watched as Carmy pulled away from you chest rapidly puffing up and down as the confusion swept across your face. “Carmy?” Your voice trailed off you couldn’t help the hurt you were feeling, here you were sitting atop Carmy’s kitchen counter dress hiked up to your waist the lacy underwear you had chosen to wear in full view, the straps of your dress pulled down precariously low that the top of your areolas was peeking out. 

You quickly adjusted the top of your dress before hopping off the counter and pulling down the hem. Eyes filling with tears as you were brought back to prom night, memories re-playing all the hurt that came after it. 

Carmy’s head shot up from its place in his hands the tears in your waterline and the way you had shrunken into yourself making him feel like a complete fucking asshole.

“Shit no Baby…I-Fuck!” Carmy watched as you jolted a little at the shout of his voice, he was fucking this up more than it already was.

“Hey, hey,” he closed the distance between the two of you, raising his hands to your jaw and forcing you to look at him. “Baby, I-I’m sorry it's just…I don’t,” Carmy took a deep breath trying to gain his bearings. “I’ve never done this stuff before.” 

Carmy’s eyes followed the emotions crossing your face, a frown painting your face before your eyes widened and your lips parted in the shape of an ‘o’. 

“Carmy…have you never been intimate with anyone before?” Carmy knew your question wasn’t teasing or malicious but he couldn’t help feeling embarrassed at having to admit this to you. 

“I uh, you were my first kiss…and my second kiss just now,” Carmy hung his head in shame, blush rising from his neck to stain his cheeks. 

“Oh my goodness I’m such an asshole,” Carmy looked up at you a chuckle escaping him at your declaration. Your hand reached out to rest against his cheek thumb caressing back and forth. “Carmy I thought you were rejecting me.” Now it was your turn to feel shameful, your first thoughts being selfish ones as opposed to waiting to hear Carmy’s explanation. 

Carmy’s hand came up to grip yours on his cheek, head turning to place a soft kiss on your pulse point. “Let’s sit and eat, yeah?” Carmy waited for your response, smiling at you as you nodded. “I wanna spend as much time together as we can.” 

You pulled him into a sweet kiss, his hands squeezing your waist at the feeling of being able to freely kiss you “I’d like that.” You pulled away the two of you sharing bright smiles as you moved to have the dinner Carmy had so lovingly planned out.

Neither of you pointed out the fact that things would be coming to an end for you two tomorrow, but you’d bask in this loving atmosphere for all the remaining time you two had together. 

You could feel soft lips pressing into the space behind your left ear, your first instinct was worry. Confused by the warm body pressed into you from behind strong arms gripping your waist as though you would disappear at a moment's notice. The memories of the last day with Carmy led you to relax.

A quiet sniffle finally woke you up enough, your eyes opening to the dimly lit room. A familiar head of hair tucked snuggly into your neck, and slight huffs of breaths could be heard.

“Carmy?” The raspiness of your morning voice echoed around the room, you could hear the breathing quiet down a bit, concern spiking in you. 

You began turning wanting to comfort the man you had been in love with for most of your life, it was a struggle as the arms around you tightened but you finally turned to your side Carmy burying his face in your t-shirt-clad chest.

“Carmy, honey,” the lack of response was beginning to worry you, you had shared your fair share of cries with Carmy throughout your friendship but considering the circumstances that brought you together this time around, you couldn’t help but freak out a bit. “Hey, hey look at me yeah?”

“I-I just need a minute please.” The crack of Carmy’s voice went straight to your heart. He maneuvered so the top of his body was laying on your chest and stomach, his lower body settling gently between your legs. 

You leaned forward pressing a lingering kiss to his head before lying back down and slowly stroking your fingers through his hair, wanting to make him as comfortable in this moment as you could. You were content to hold him all day if that’s what he needed.

The two of you laid like that for a while, Carmy’s breathing and sniffling calming down after a few minutes. You watched as Carmy propped himself up on his elbows, pressing a small kiss into the fabric of your shirt over your stomach, a small smile rising to your lips as you watched him.

“Talk to me, Carm?” You watched as he looked up to you, pretty blue eyes swollen from the tears he’d been shedding. 

Carmy moved up a little resting his cheek against your sternum arms wrapped tightly around you, “Uhh, Sug called, said Mikey left something for me.” 

It was quiet as you let his words sink in, a shuddering sigh leaving you as your hands unconsciously began running back through Carmy’s hair. 

You felt Carmy’s hand slip under the shirt of his you were borrowing, fingers gliding across the skin of your stomach lazily tracing circles. The small gesture helped to relax you a bit.

“Did she say anything else?” Your fingernails softly scratched into Carmy’s scalp, the two of you trying to touch each other as much as you possibly could.

Carmy’s chuckle drew your attention, “She uh, asked me to come home.”

Your nails stopped for a minute before you started up again, heart jumping a little in your chest at the idea of Carmy coming back to Chicago, “Are you…going to go home?” The hope in your voice borders on desperation.

Carmy was silent for a moment, hands moving to lift your shirt just underneath your breast before he placed his warm cheek back in its previous position. The news skin-on-skin contact sends chills through both of you. 

“Everything with Mikey kinda made me think about us.” Carmy’s thumb came up, to caress against your rib, dangerously close to your breast. “It just kind of puts into perspective that the people you care about can be here one day…and gone the next.”

The avoidance of your original question was not lost on you, but Carmy opening up may have been better than whatever argument the initial qualm might impose. 

“Baby I-,” you looked at Carmy as he adjusted his position one hand resting against your sternum, his chin plopping onto it. “I um.” He stopped, you followed his movements watching as his eyes closed and he took a deep breath.

“For a while, I’ve known that I feel something for you, but I-I don’t think I can give you what you want.” Your hand slipped from his hair to cup his cheek, hanging on to every word leaving his lips.

Carmy leaned into the palm of your hand, letting himself melt into your touch, cherishing the few moments he had left with you. “And I can’t promise any commitment after today.” The rapid beating of Carmy’s chest could be felt on your stomach, the crack in his voice raising a small smile to your lips. 

You sat up in bed. Carmy looked up at you as you held his chin in your hand, thumb softly tracing his lips as you committed his features to memory. The tiny scars marring his face, the few beauty marks dotted around, connecting them would create a new constellation you swore you’d remember forever. 

Carmy was honest with you, and that’s all you asked of him. Neither of you could promise each other a happy ending after you parted ways and while that hurt, it didn’t make sense to ruin the remaining time the two of you had left dwelling on the future.

“Carmen,” you waited for him to lock eyes with you, a sad smile spread across your features, tears you could no longer hold back coming forth. “I know.” 

Carmy’s lips pressed into your thumb before he gently cupped your neck and reached up so your lips connected. This was only the third kiss the two of you shared, but the intangible love and intimacy that could be felt through the single press of your lips would never dwindle, not for as long as the two of you surrounded yourself with each other.

He raised to his knees both hands entrapping your face, all his passion being poured into this one kiss. Carmy was slightly above you now, the angle forcing you to raise your head to stay connected. His thumb began unconsciously caressing the ‘B’ behind your left ear, a small part of you that had stuck with him ever since he discovered it five years ago.

The kiss intensified as you slipped your tongue between his lips, hands gripping onto his hips as he towered above you in this position. Your tongue moved languidly inside his mouth, small noises escaping the both of you.

Carmy pulled the hair at the nape of your neck, the motion removing your lips from his. “Did you mean what you said?” His breath left him in a huff.

“What?” You were slightly out of breath yourself, confused at what the hell Carmy was on about. 

“What you said about this,” his thumb swiped back and forth against the ‘B’ inked into your skin. “Would you take my last name?” 

You bit your lip, eyes lidded as you searched Carmy’s face, hand moving to grip his soft chin between your forefinger and thumb raising onto your knees so the two of you were eye level.

“Would you like that Carmen? If I let you give me your last name?” A patronizing smile graced your lips, the air between you charged. 

Carmy surged forward hungry for a taste of you, his hands gripped your hair to tug on it a strangled gasp leaving you. The strength with which Carmy took your lips into his forcing your back into the mattress beneath you two, his body hovering over yours. 

Your hand left its place on his chin sliding down to his shoulders caressing the little skin his tank top allowed you to feel. Hands traveling across his chest, the feeling of his toned body under your palms making you needy. You finally made it to the hem of his shirt tugging it up to give you access to the warm skin of his torso.

Carmy parted from you, snatching the shirt over his head before diving back in. Lips leading him to his favorite feature of yours. Your hands wrapped around his shoulders pulling him flush against you, Carmy’s lips ravished your neck as he nipped from your jawline down to your pulse point, teeth sinking in a bit harder.

“Fuck Carmy.” The delicious feeling of Carmen's body against yours, his lips exploring you, hands gripping the skin of your revealed waist. All of it led to the thrust of your hips up into his, it was selfish but you needed him, not that you would force him but whatever he would give you would have to be enough.

Carmy’s sharp intake of breath drew your attention as his hips relentlessly ground into you, hand wandering up your shirt to cup your breast thumb accidentally tracing your nipple. 

Your loud gasp alarmed him. He quickly parted from you saliva connected your lips together as you both took in each other’s disheveled appearances.

“Did I-did I do something wrong?” Sweet Carmy worried that he had ruined the moment. 

You sat up rapidly shaking your head as you stared into his eyes, the both of you breathing heavily, “No, no it was great I promise.”

Carmy nodded gently tracing your jawline as he looked at you, “Baby…I want this moment with you.” The mumble made your heart race, this was a big deal it would change whatever this relationship between the two of you was. 

“Carmy…we don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for.” You searched his eyes hoping he didn’t feel pressured by the noises you were making.

“Have you…done this before?” Carmy forced himself to keep looking at you regardless of the blush he could feel painting his cheeks.

The small nod you gave relieved him a bit, “Does that bother you?” You didn’t think Camry would mind but you knew the male species could be unpredictable. 

“God no, I just don’t wanna disappoint you.” He finally looked away from you embarrassed to have admitted something so personal. 

“You won’t.” You sent him a small smile before guiding his hands to the hem of your shirt helping him to pull it over your head. Watching his beautiful face take in everything you had to offer him. 

His throat bobbed as he took in a large gulp, you could see the uncertainty in his eyes, proving you’d have to take the reins on this one, not that you minded. The thought of telling Carmy how to pleasure you warmed you up even more. 

Your finger reached out to lift Carmy’s chin, directing his eyes to yours, “What do you want to do to me, Carmen?” 

You watched as he blinked eyes tracing your figure, “I just wanna appreciate you, Baby.” The words left his lips in a whisper.

You were taken aback never having heard that before while being intimate. His hands slowly settled on your waist, the safest option “How should I…do that.”

You smiled moving one of his hands to cup your breast, shuddering at the skin-to-skin contact, “We can start with kissing, then I want you to do whatever feels right okay?”

Carmy nodded, giving your breast a slight squeeze a whimper drawing out of you, taking account of your reaction he gently began rubbing his thumb across your pebbled nipple watching your body writhe at the small action. 

He leaned forward pressing a gentle kiss into your forehead, lips moving to your left cheek then your right. A small kiss pressed into each of your closed eyelids and the tip of your nose. Each corner of your lips got its turn before his lips found the space between your nose and upper lip. One more kiss pressed into your chin before finally ending with a sweet kiss to your lips, cherishing every inch of your face he had kissed.

Carmy made his way to your jawline, starting at the right side and tracing to your left, nipping every so often as he continued his journey. Lips slowly tracing from your jawline to your neck, he wasn’t sure what it was but seeing your neck on display for him made him feral, his hips grinding into your as he decorated your neck in love bites. 

“Lay down f’me.” You eagerly listened watching as Carmy planted another soft kiss into your lips before following the map of your collarbones. Lips pressing into your upper chest as both hands came up to softly knead your breast. 

You could feel Carmy’s hard-on pressing against you, as much as you were enjoying this, all you wanted in the world was to finally please Carmy. You slipped your hand between your bodies sliding into the waistband of his boxers, hand gripping him as a strangled moan parted his lips. The soft caress of your hand against him caused his head to spin, this felt different from the times he would stroke himself thinking about you.

“Does this feel good, Carmy?” Your voice was a little deeper, more sensual as you questioned him. “Do you wish it was me making you cum on those lonely nights, hmm?

“Fuck…yes.” The whine of his voice went straight to your core, spurring you on more. 

Your strokes became a little firmer, applying more pressure to provide him more pleasure. His length twitched against your palm the more you rubbed. Carmy had lost all sense of his own ministrations grinding into your hand while still on top of you, he could feel himself close to ecstasy the feel of your warm body underneath him making him lose all control.

“Ba-Baby stop.” You froze immediately forcing your hormones under wrap, Carmy’s comfortability your priority. 

“Are you okay Carm?” The worry in your voice was obvious as you removed your hand from its grip on him. 

“Ye-yeah, I just want to please you right now.” Carmy’s hand moved to grip your rib cage thumb running back and forth against your under boob, “Can I continue showing my appreciation.” The slight desperation in his voice caused you to rapidly nod your head. 

Carmy gave you a small shy smile, moving to kiss the spot he had been tracing during this time. His lips painted across your whole torso, paying extra attention to your stomach, ideas he wasn’t ready to give merit to racing through his mind as he did so.

Finally, he paused at your hips, the solid cotton panties you wore obscured his path, nose caressing the front of your panties as he took in a deep breath allowing your aroma to invade his senses. “Are you going to take off my panties, Carmy?” The condescending tone in your voice went straight to his throbbing cock.

He nodded, wasting no time in peeling the fabric from its home around your hips, ready to replace it with his bare hands. Carmy raised to his haunches, unconsciously licking his lips at the sight of your naked body sprawled so prettily across his bed. All of you on show just for him.

Carmy returned to his previous task lips pressing wet delicate kisses into each of your hips bones, a lingering one placed at the base of your pelvis before turning his attention to your thighs. Lips trailing down your leg special attention paid to the crook of your knees and ankles. 

Carmy’s eyes found yours as he placed the last kiss on your right ankle, both of your pupils blown from the sequence of events that had just taken place. 

You beckoned Carmy forward urging him to find you once again. As he drew closer you grabbed one of his hands placing it on your right breast before moving it down so it caressed the rest of your torso, and down your pelvis finally stopping before the place you needed his touch most.

This was your way of giving him an out, the two of you could stop right here if he wanted to, the slight nod of his head told you otherwise. 

Your grip on his hand changed as you grabbed his forefinger and middle finger, your free hand parting your lower lips as you traced his fingers through your slick, a filthy moan escaping into the bedroom as Carmy’s calloused fingers finally stroked you.

“Do you feel that Carmy?” He nodded his head, eyes not leaving yours for a minute. “It's all for you, you made me feel this good.” 

You moved his fingers lower watching his face as you glided his two fingers into you, biting your lower lip at the hunger in you that was finally being tended to.

Carmy’s mouth fell open as he watched the ecstasy wash over your face, lost in the feeling of touching you in the most intimate way he had ever touched anyone before. His head dropped, eyes watching as you slowly swallowed his fingers, in and out the movement making him achingly hard. 

Carmy’s lips dropped to your ear a shy whisper caressing your ear, “I want to be inside you.” The vulnerability in Carmy’s voice caused you to bite your lip, satisfied that he was finally speaking up about what he wanted. 

“You are.” You teased him, clenching around his digits as his eyes drank you in.

You let out a whine as he removed his fingers from your grip, hand pressing your hip into the bed as he stared you down. “Please…I want this…with you.” The words unsaid weighing heavily between you two.  

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” You watched as he slipped out of his boxers, stroking himself as you watched and waited for your instructions. You motioned for him to lay atop you more noses brushing as he got into position, “I’ll guide you, but I need you to go slow okay, it’ll be a tight fit.” 

Carmy nodded his head, neither of you daring to ask about any contraception too lost in the thoughts of finally connecting in ways the two of you had only dreamed of.

You would come to regret the consequences of this decision later.

A smile split your lips before you surged up to capture Carmy’s lips, needing to distract yourself.

You guided him to your entrance only allowing the tip to go in to not overwhelm Carmy. Your mouth fell open in the shape of an ‘o’ as Carmy eagerly thrust into you, your hand raised to his shoulder to stop his movements.

“Carm, slowly, please.” His eyes met yours taking in the slight pain that his intrusion had caused, he nodded hand raising to cup your cheek.

“You look so beautiful like this.” A tender moment was shared between the two of you as you urged Carmy to continue his journey, shuddered moans escaping the both of you as he reached the hilt.

The feeling of finally being full with Carmy made you emotional, both of you just taking a moment to gaze at each other. Appreciating the finality of this all, Carmy leaned down to kiss a tear running down your cheek that escaped, his own eyes welling up, neither of you could find the right words to cement how much this moment meant to the two of you.

Carmy pulsed inside you the movement caused you to clench around him, “You did so good for me Carmy.” The praise went straight to his cock, eyes rolling back at how good a few words made him feel. 

“Can you move for me, Carm, it’ll make us both feel good.” The soft thrust of his hips was enough for you. 

He continued the slow motion of his hips, eyes connected with yours as the ghost of those three words he struggled to say filtered between the two of you. Your hand raised to wipe the single tear sliding down his cheek.

Nothing in the world could take this moment from the two of you. If Aphrodite could tell the story of your love she would describe it as a tangible heartbreaking thing always growing, and most times fleeting. Something both you and Carmy could touch, feel, and breathe. The love filtering between the two of you was clear as day to anyone who had a heart. 

The warm muscular hand pressed into the flesh of your hip bone driving you crazy. The fingers pressed into you harder and harder with each accompanying thrust. One hand pressed into the pillow by your head keeping the body atop of you from crushing you under its weight. You appreciated the cautionary position, but you had longed for this connection for what felt like ages and you would gladly welcome the weight of the perspiring chest burying you further into the mattress.

A golden gleam caught your eye taking you away from how the tattooed knuckles flexed against your hip every few seconds. You looked to see his golden chain dangling back and forth above your face, taunting you. The sway of the metal matched the rocking motion of his hips, the synchronicity of the two things driving you absolutely wild. Eyes concentrated on the gold chain it was almost like a switch was flipped in you and the catalyst was that fucking gold chain.

Your eyes moved to his face, his pupils blown wide as he stared down at you. You parted your lips his intense gaze causing you to clench down on him unconsciously, his eyes rolling back as his hand left its spot on your hip traveling up your torso thumb softly brushing over your nipple as it found its destination cupping your cheek with such intensity you were sure the shape of his thumb would be imprinted onto your jaw.

His eyes found yours once more, his thumb moving a few inches to softly caress your bottom lip. Your mouth opened on instinct to leisurely suck on his digit a hoarse ‘Fuck’ leaving the warm body that was making you feel so good. You released his thumb, feeling it tug at your bottom lip as his hand found its way back to your cheek.

You watched him above you, the ecstasy in his eyes warming your skin, you’d do anything to be able to please him if he always looked at you in that way. The flash of gold from his chain caught your attention again, the angle of his thrust causing you to gasp, a softly whispered moan of “Carmy,” leaving your lips. Carmy’s chain hovered above your open mouth begging to be taken between your teeth, you appeased your desires, your tongue latching onto the chain as you brought it to settle between your teeth. Carmy’s hips fucking into you at a slightly faster pace, your leg wrapping around his waist the heel of your foot pressing into his back to bring the two of you impossibly closer. 

“Fuck-Baby, shit!” Watching Carmy struggle for words had never been as sexy as it was at that moment. Knowing that you were the cause of his incoherent muttering. 

“Please, Carmy,” another gasp ripped through you, your teeth losing hold of Carmy’s signature gold chain. “Mmm yes, Carmen. Just like that.” You settled for whispering in his ear, the new position you had chosen had his head resting against your collarbone, his ear directly next to your mouth. You could feel Carmy’s hand moving from your cheek to clench your jaw between his thumb and remaining fingers. His hand moved your head to reveal your neck the feeling of soft wet kisses making a path to your ear, Carmy’s thrust slowing slightly.

You could feel his breath against your cheek, the soft whine he let out as your cunt clenched around him. His lips pressed against the shell of your ear, “Say that again.” His rough voice traveled through you, the thumping of your clit beating faster and faster.

“Just like that.” You moaned wanting to please him as much as he wanted to please you. 

His fingers dug into your chin, the roughness of his touch causing a high-pitched moan to leave your lips. “Sa-say my name?” The request made your head spin.

“Carm-,” Carmy’s hand returned to its earlier position holding himself above you causing your leg to drop back to the bed.

“N-no,” the strain in his voice was evident as he tilted your head down to stare directly into your eyes. “M-my name sa-say it. Please.” 

You bit your lip his whiny plea going straight to your clit. Your hand reachesdup to match his fingers gripping his chin firmly. Your blown pupils searching his wide doe eyes. It was hard to distinguish where the blue began and the black ended. Your faces were inches apart, you could tell from his breathing that your grip on his chin stirred something inside him. The soft rocking of his hips into yours caused your bottom lips to caress each other in the rhythm he had set.

“Carmen.” The syllables of his name left your mouth in a wanton moan, there was a moment where the thrusting of Carmy’s hips came to a slow stop before he surged forward and messily captured your lips in a kiss full of tongues and moans. Carmy’s hips began rutting into yours, the speed and intensity sending you both into a spiral. Your hand lost its grip on his chin to slither between your bodies matching Carmy’s pace and applying it to your clit. 

The grip on your chin was gone as Carmy’s hand followed the path yours had previously taken sending a soft squeeze to your breast. “Te-teach me how.” God you could’ve cum from that sentence alone. You began rapidly nodding your head before placing your hand atop his own guiding his index and middle finger into generously massaging your clit. 

“Car-Carmen, don’t stop please don’t stop.” Your voice leaves you in a sharp cry.

“Yeah? Is this good?” Your unabashed moan did more to answer Carmy’s question than any words could.

“Carmeee, I’m gonna come, please.” The banging of the headboard against the wall an indication of just how fast Carmy was thrusting into you.

“Whe-where should I-,” You could hear the slight panic in Carmy’s voice, assuming he was on the cusps of an orgasm as well.

“In me Carmy jus- all of it.” His fingers pressed into your clit going at a pace your brain couldn’t keep up with.

The speed of Carmy’s breathing increased. His head finding its way back into the crook of your neck, lips scattering kisses across your neck, “I’ll give it to you all. M’ gonna give you everything.” The sound of Carmen’s voice so quiet you weren’t sure if he had intended anyone else’s ears to hear it.

Whatever Carmen’s intentions his words were the last thing you needed to hear before bliss took over your senses. Your orgasm washed over you in waves, the intensity causing loud moans to escape your lips, clenching Carmy’s cock so hard you were sure it must’ve been painful. 

Riding the high of your orgasm, Carmen’s deep drawn-out groan vibrated into your neck as you felt him give two final rapid thrusts before the dam he had been holding back finally burst inside you. You felt his thrust slow down as he began peppering kisses across your face, “Thank you, thank you.” His voice trailed off into a whisper before his full body weight settled into you.

Now that the bed was no longer threatening to put a hole through his wall, the only sound filling the bedroom was the panting breaths you and Carmy were letting out.

Carmy looked up at you, the wetness on his cheeks matching yours. His forehead leaned against yours the vulnerability the two of you had for each other on full show. Breaths of love were shared between you as your lips gently touched. You knew the words you wanted to say at this moment, felt them so deep in your soul that your tears wouldn’t cease their downpour.

But you also knew how flighty the beautiful man in front of you was, it hurt but you would once again have to swallow your love for this man to ensure he remained in your life.

You laughed as Carmy hovered atop of you the Polaroid he gifted you in his hands the device raised to his eye. Your arm was thrown over your face the fact that the two of you were in this position at all still mind blowing . Carmy nudged your arm, he had been snapping photos of you for a while now, both of you ignoring the fact that he should have been getting ready for work instead of laying with your naked body barely covered under him. 

“Show me that smile, pretty girl,” you slowly moved your arm, the smile splitting your face hard to control. “You seem to like my chain so much, I want to remember what you look like in it.” Carmy could be devilish when he wanted to, the way he would sometimes gain confidence and say what was on his mind, throwing you for a loop.

Your eyes left the camera in his hand as you stared at his face, so enchanted with who Carmy was as a person. Only being jolted out of your trance as the Polaroid fluttered out of the camera and landed on the center of your chest. 

Carmy moved the camera smiling down at you before picking up the photo and examining it, the corner of his lips ticking up in a half smile. He placed the picture on the other pillow where all the other Polaroids were sprawled out. You watched as he set the camera down next to your head cupping your jaw before leaning down and pressing a firm kiss into your forehead a mumbled ‘Perfect’ escaped his lips. 

“Will you take a picture with me Carmy,” your words came out shyly hoping he would agree. You felt his nose nuzzle into your neck planting a small kiss on your tattoo before moving to lay next to you in the bed. 

You reached over to plant a soft kiss on his cheek before grabbing the camera from its spot by your head. You raised it watching as the soft smile graced Carmy’s face, your eyes not wanting to leave the perfect view of his side profile that you had fallen in love with, finger accidentally slipping, the sound of the camera shutter filled the space between you too.

Carmy pulled the photo out waiting for it to develop as he looked in your direction. A wide grin took over his face just by looking at you, your hand began lowering the camera before his hand shot out and raised your hand, and the camera back up quickly pressing your finger into the button to capture this moment in time. 

You let him grab the camera from your hands before he placed it on the nightstand, once again holding your face in place as the two of you shared your softest kiss yet. 

— — — —

You watched as Carmy maneuvered around his room slipping into a clean pair of chef whites, he was late and you could tell he was panicking on the inside but didn’t want to worry you. The two of you had wasted away in the shower washing each other's bodies and holding each other under the hot spray of water. Neither of you wanted to leave the confines of the shower, knowing your time together was finally expiring.

You sat on the bed with your legs pulled up to your chest, chin resting atop them, a fresh pair of panties, and his deep green crew neck from last night your only form of clothing. The tension between the two of you had been broken the moment Carmy realized just how behind schedule he was, shoving reality down your throat as the game of pretending the two of you had been playing was finally snuffed out.

Carmy’s eyes landed on you in his rush clocking the glaze of your eyes, head not rationalizing why you might be upset at the moment. Finally gathering all his necessities he rushed over to you kneeling in front of you pressing one last kiss onto your forehead.

“I’ll be home soon, yeah.” You closed your eyes, the words breaking your heart into pieces.

“Yeah, be safe okay?” Carmy smiled, capturing your lips in his for the last time tonight hand cupping the back of your head to hold you in place.

The two of you separated small side smiles mirroring each other, both of you knew that Carmy would return home to an empty apartment tonight, but neither of you would voice that truth. 

You followed him to the front door needing to see him off before your return to Chicago. He opened the door lingering between the door and the hallway hand gripping yours before pressing a soft kiss into the pulse point at your wrist.

You shared small smiles as Carmy made his way to leave, sending you one last wave before he disappeared down the hallway.

Your closed the door, forehead pressing into it as you stood there trying to gain your bearings, doing your best to control your tears as you knew this moment was inevitable.

A soft “I love you, Carmen.” Breathed into the empty apartment soft enough for it to feel like a ghost had whispered those words and not you.

But not quiet enough that the man who returned on the other side of the door missed the declaration. 

Heart thudding in his chest. His hand ready to turn the keys in the doorknob dropped to his side. His feet shuffled backward as he took one last glance at the door before reverting to his journey to work.

He could go one day without his signature chain that he had so lovingly placed around your delicate neck.

a/n: idk what to say really…enjoy : ) [actually no this is my first smut so please let’s learn from carmy’s mistakes and don’t come for me 😉] i’m like the only person on the planet who thinks i’m funny that’s how laughable it is 😭

taglist: @wheredidmycrowngo @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @rexorangecouny @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @fandomhopped @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @jackierose902109 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @sevikasblackgf @writers-hes @senassn @bunnysthngs @gabbycoady13 @randomhoex @mattmurdocksstarlight @shinebright2000 @royalestrellas @jam1esl0v4 @globetrotter28 @dankfarrick29 @r0s3mm @flowersgirl02 @beingalive1 @fairytale07 @saturnheart @recklessgiraffelife @khena @kailyn-g05 @ovaqma @fire-treasure-iii @frequentnosebleeder @gcidrvsh @awatt31 @cauliflowerpatch

please message me if you’d like to be removed from the tag list