#but jesus christ I'm trying to do things myself because my shit already sucks I keep not being able to get a job

[tidepoolalgae]

soooo I thought maybe the ACA is helping me have health insurance but maybe even qualifying for medicaid removes you from the marketplace benefits pool. So I might have to pay like $3000 at the end of the year because my estimated tax credit won't go through but I guess we'll see! 😭👎

[artdcnaldson]

Been thinking about Patrick teaching Art how to masturbate

Patrick lowering himself down onto his stomach and between Art's legs on their pushed together beds, encouraging Art to continue despite his clear embarrassment.

Coaxing him into bringing his other hand down to his balls, only to end up doing it himself because the blonde's hands are shaking too much.

Once Art begins to get closer, so does Patrick. His hot breath fanning over Art's tip as he encourages him breathlessly.

Art shooting thick ropes of cum, half of which lands on his best friend's tongue, dribbling down his chin

And Art cums a lot and Patrick only wants to help. Sucking Art's tip into his warm mouth, licking his slit as he swallows him down

-🕊

I started shaking and vibrating reading this my god

Art jerking off as fast as he can the few random times Patrick leaves their hotel room while they’re at tournaments. He’s really, like, clinical with it— he just wants to cum as fast as possible. There’s no exploration, no teasing. He spits in his palm the same way Patrick showed him and fucks into his fist until he cums.

Patrick went out expecting a blowjob, and winds up getting stood up after the girl gets cold feet, so he trudges back to his room, already pent up and buzzing under his skin. It’s just his luck he walks into the room to see Art propped against the headboard of his bed, fist blurry from how fast it’s moving.

“Jesus Christ, dude, you’re gonna give yourself a friction burn.” Art yelps in surprise, throws a pillow over his lap to cover himself up, like the damage wasn’t already done ten times over. Patrick doesn’t give a shit. He relishes in making Art blush and squirm. He throws himself onto the bed, between Art’s thighs, and grins up at the blond. “You still jerk off the exact same way after six years?”

Art’s face wrinkles. “How else could I do it?”

So many ways. So, so many ways. But Patrick tries to be casual about it. “Dunno… you don’t touch anything else?” He tries not to act interested, like the answer won't plague his every waking moment the second it passes his lips.

"Dude, I don't finger myself. 'm not a girl," Art says, but the whiny affectation it comes out with doesn't help.

And fuck, that wasn't even what Patrick was thinking, but knowing that Art's mind went there... fuck, it does something to him. Patrick tries his best to push that thought deep, deep into the recesses of his mind and brings a smarmy little grin to his lips. It helps to hide his desperate interest.

"Yeah, but what about here-" he flicks Art's nipple and the blond squirms, which, incidentally, makes him buck up against the pillow. His cheeks burn hot and he tries and fails to make his glare look deadly.

"No." Art snaps. "I told you, I'm not a girl."

"I'm trying to help, you know. For old time's sake, you dickhead." He's trying to do more than just help. Patrick was the fucking king of hidden intentions. Of leading Art to do something for his own benefit. "It can feel better."

Art swallows, nose twitching slightly. It reminds Patrick of a bunny being led into a snare. He's not entrapping Art, of course. If Art just... told Patrick to fuck off, he'd go. Of course he would. He'd find some other hot tennis player to suck his dick.

"It can?" Art's pretty eyes are earnest, his pupils swallowing up all that pretty blue. Patrick smiles like the cat who got the cream and tugs the pillow away. When it lands at the headboard, he tries to ignore the large wet spot on the case. He's so hard in his shorts he thinks he'll pass out.

"Yeah," Patrick says. He grabs Art's wrist and moves his hand back between his thighs, past the twitching length of his dick. He moves his fingers over Art's and guides him to squeeze, so he's cupping his balls. The way precum dribbles from his tip isn't lost on Patrick. "Feels good."

Not a question, just... the first thing that he could think of. But Art nods regardless, his hand shaky as he gives a small squeeze. Patrick's eyes train on the expanse of his throat as Art's head falls back.

"God—" Art pants. "That's... yeah—"

Fuck yeah it is. Patrick swallows— all but licks his lips with big hearts in his eyes like a cartoon character. "Do it again. While you jerk off."

Art gulps and Patrick tracks the bob of his adam's apple. The blond exhales shakily and takes his cock into his trembling hand, his grip lax and hesitant. His other hand just barely teases over his sac, making his balls twitch and draw up. Fuck, Art’s so pretty— shaved smooth everywhere, flushed pink and needy, slick with pre.

Patrick wants Art’s cock stuffed down his throat so badly that he’s dizzy with it. “Let me, you’re not doin’ it right—“ Patrick says, and he replaces Art’s hand with his own. The blond whines and bucks up into his fist, legs kicking out.

“Patrick—“ He groans, but he doesn’t move Patrick’s hand, doesn’t squirm out of reach. “Fuck, Pat—“

Patrick swallows, moves closer. Art’s knuckles practically skim his jaw each time his hand reaches the head of his cock. His hips buck like he’s seeking the warmth of Patrick’s mouth. God, he wants that.

“See? Feels good, huh?” Patrick goads. He gives another firm squeeze and Art sobs pathetically, little ah, ah, ahs punched out from his lungs. Art nods, his curls plastered against his forehead. All of his words escape in breathy whines— yeah, feels good, so fucking good, Pat, god, please, please please please don’t stop, need it, do it again, fuck—

Patrick feels Art’s balls draw up, knows he’s going to come before Art even has a chance to warn him, not that he’s particularly verbose about it. All he manages is a mumbled, “Nnngghh— coming, coming—“ and he’s shooting warm, thick ropes of cum.

Art comes a lot. He’s always known the blond makes a mess, but Patrick never dreamed he’d be on the recieving end of a fucking facial from good Christian boy Art Donaldson himself. He feels Art’s cum paint his face, practically glazing him. It drips into his open mouth and he moans without thinking, his eyes fluttering shut as art comes and comes and comes.

When he’s finally spent, Art sobs weakly, collapsing back against the pillows. Patrick opens his eyes, licks the taste of Art’s spend from his lips, and looks at how fucking messy his cock is, dripping with pearly white. Patrick leans forward and licks, the same way he’s teasingly licked Art’s face, or his hand when they’re messing around. A long, messy lave of his tongue that makes Art’s toes curl into the duvet, muscles twitching until Patrick finally relents.

“Fuck,” Art says, breathless, exhausted, satisfied. “That’s… that was… I’m not gay.”

Right. He runs his hand through the cooling cum on his chin and smears it across Art’s face until his whines in protest and kicks Patrick off. “It’s not gay,” Patrick assures him, wiping his face with that same fucking pillow from earlier. One of them would have to sleep on it, but they could use the flip side. “I was just teaching you again. Don’t worry about it.”

Art nods, trying to convince himself through sheer delusion. That it wasn’t gay, that he didn’t like it, that he doesn’t have feelings for Patrick that can’t be explained away as being best friends.

Patrick taught him again, the way he did before. Only this time, he taught Art that when he wants to come hard, all he has to do is think about dark curls and blue eyes and a smarmy fucking grin.

[pruneunfair]

Ranking all the OI I read. Part 1: the lesser.

It'll be like my tier list except with added stories from the haven't read yet section and of course my opinions.

Since Tumblr only allows 30 images per post and a daily pass based on how many pictures can be posted at all. I'll be posting this list through multiple parts starting with the worst. Get ready because there's gonna be a lot of negativity right now.

Starting with the tier I like to call "Absolute dog shit." Terrible plots, gross content being glamourized and little to no potential at all.

honestly picking the worst of the worst was hard cause there's so many to choose from.. and I think the title of the absolute worst doesn't go to Remarried empress or Today the villainess has fun again..

Its this one: beware of the brothers

I really can't say I was surprised 😭. I mean.. look at the damn title. The FL gets adopted into the family because she looks like the ML's dead sister and it just.. escalates into step-bro love. "But it's not related by blood-" still incest and even if they didn't grow up together, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO FUCK SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE YOUR DEAD SIBLING!?

The order of slave breeding

Yes this is an actual manhwa.. I genuinely wanna know why the author just looked at themselves in the mirror and said "Yes this is a good idea." As the title suggests.. it's about a slave merchant for a FL and her slaves falling in love with her and as if it couldn't be uncomfortable enough it is one of the few manhwa with a dark skinned ML. I don't care how many times they'll offer excues for the lead I don't fw slavery being used as a romance device in media.

I belong to house Castillo

Technically I didn't read all of it, I just read the spoilers for the rest of the chapters but to be fair, I just got finished cursing myself by reading stepbro fantasies and master/slave ships, I'm not trying to give my FBI agent a reason to search my hard drives. It's a basic and cliché found family where the FL Estelle is sold by her mother to her father and the ML is a 17 year old who basically grooms her..why? Because raising your love interest is the "only" way to make a story stand out amongst the other generic found family tales.

I tamed my ex husband's mad dog.

More cases of grooming except this time it's the FL as the perpetrator. ML looks like he's 8 but he's apparently 16.. so we got a groomer protagonist in the form of Reinhardt who also neglects her first child and favors her second child she had with her victim with the excuse of not wanting to care for her son being that he looks like her toxic ex. Lady what? That boy deserves his own villain arc holy shit.

No more turning a blind eye.

This one really dissapointed me 😔. The cover looked stunning, the artstyle while a little off was still eye catching and the title sounded promising. Nah this is a hunk of junk that had a gentrification plot for some reason.. and you were supposed to sympathize with the guy who wanted to render hundreds of people homeless to make room for art galleries or whatever it was they wanted?

The dragon kings bride

I already knew this one was probably gonna suck judging by the title. First off it treats dark skinned people like barbarians, the ML Hakan meets Lucina when she's a child, Lucina is threatened with death if she doesn't marry him and you can probably guess where it goes. Like I said I don't really have a right to be shocked but it still goes on the list for its weird obsession with Lucina being so tiny that having sex with Hakan could kill her along with a not so hidden pregnancy fetish.

I became the tyrants secretary.

Its just workplace sexual harassment, theres not much to it. Cannot stand the ML who is a basic garbage human and Rosalyn is a block of wood when it comes to personality. She wants to do all these things but she has no spine and no will to actually do them but at the same time shes so good at everything on a whim. I usually don't mind a clueless FL but Jesus christ! She makes Adrien Agreste look smarter!

The villains savior

Gotta say the artstyle is really pretty and the FLs design is so cute. Everything else though is pretty bad. The point is basically the lead Ezlay is trying to essentially "fix" the ML as the title suggest. A lot of people dislike this one because Ezlay is very emotional and cries too much but that's honestly the least of the issues here. Now to be fair, Aseph is a villain so it's expected that he's gonna suck but that doesn't mean Ezlay needs to have the personality of a rock either, it's not that she cries a lot that annoys me, she's literally just a male fantasy personified. All she is absolute patience and acceptance for what Aseph does to point of enabling that toxic behavior.

Now we enter manhwas that are horrificly awful, not much difference except these ones have a bigger grain of potential

Lucia

This one got a lot of hate tiktok so naturally I had to read it and yeah, it was pretty bad. The artstyle though just.. I'm sorry but Lucia's face is literally just 👁 👄 👁 and thats not even mentioning the ML Hugo. It's really crinegy and it tries to fill that void with poorly made smut. The plot is also really and I mean REALLY dead set on 1950s values for women and the relationship between Lucia's and Hugo is downright toxic. In fact I don't even think there's a plot.. it's just porn. The only reason it's not in dogshit tier is that it's so iconic for being awful that it deserves to be higher up.

When the villainess is in love.

Okay all I can give this one is that Libertia has a better character design than Lucia. She's a mary sue but at this point that's a lot of leads nowadays so it's not a total shock but this is definitely a case where the story would be so much better if it was the actual Libertia as the protagonist instead of a carbon copy of the ogfl taking over. The worst part though is the fashion and I normally do not care about how dresses look in OI as long as they at least look good and fit the setting.. and dear God a lot of those dresses are nightmares to look at. Thankfully I had heard the novel was better.

Today the villainess has fun again

not a fan of the protagonist. Reilynn is really insufferable to follow since she's basically just an entitled asshole who thinks that just because she got transmigrated as the wealthiest woman in the land that she must be in the right because she's not like Iris who is a basic pick me girl. Beyond the fact that watching her throw money at people to get past an obstacle without effort she's also heavily written as a pedo because out of her options which had 2 green flags her age, she chooses the slave she bought who acts and looks like a 10 year old boy with attachment issues.

Try begging

what is with Solche and their weird obsession with rapist male leads? It's somehow worse then cry or better yet beg. Basically the FL Sally/Grace is a spy and when the ML Leon finds out.. he basically tortures her and SA's her multiple times and somehow they fall in love. Do with that what you will, the only slack I will kind of give Try begging is that it at least warns you of what your getting into beforehand. I really hate that Solches writing actually has so much potential to be amazing yet they use their talents to make rape fetish content. I want to know why manhwa tiktok likes this so much, they're all about girl code until a rapist looks hot (Leon isn't even hot, hes mad ugly)

Abandoned empress

Ah yes, good ol abandoned empress, the manhwa communities favorite punching bag so it's only right it lands here. For all the writers out there if your making a character you'd want the readers to support as the love interest you typically would give them an interesting personality and to tone down anything you think is too much for a healthy relationship. Abandoned empress decides to do the opposite of that and even after scenes of Ruve abusing his wife Aristia by cheating on her, beating her, SA'ing her, killing her dad, and causing her to miscarry so you would naturally think "okay clearly Ruve is the antagonist." But instead they pulled some bullshit "but he's not doing it anymore because he was poisoned in the last timeline!"... what!? Were there any new writers by any chance because how did we go from a abusive monster to a misunderstood Lil guy? I would say more but I think everyone already agreed a long time ago Abandoned empress is ass.

Revenge on the real one

the protag is essentially those villainesses in regression stories that cause the heroines initial downfall. I was already aware of what would happen before I even read and let me tell you it was accurate. The protagonist Helga is AWFUL. The torture she puts Hillian through is overkill and at this point Hillian deserves her own regression story to stand up to Helga because my girl was not that bad for her sister to ruin her life because of a stupid tragic origin story. The worst part is the Helga fans I see on places like tiktok who just don't want to admit their FL is a bad person. "Oh but Helga past was so sad! It's not her fault she's like this." Don't mean she has to banish her sister from her own nation when Hillian was innocent.

Villain Dukes precious one.

I really dislike the reincarnated as a baby trope and I can only ever tolerate it when it's just for a few little chapters. They always feel like those weird ass Elsagate videos with embarrassing humor to come across as funny and this one is no different. Even after the FL grows up the plot is still bland and cringe inducing. I don't have a lot to say about this one other then it is weird as hell. Apparently it also got a little incest-y so no thanks!

Poisonous Lily

While the characters looked basic in terms of design the title sounded intriguing. Unfortunately the translation is horrible, they can't even get the whole Lily flower theme right on the tapas version by giving her tulips to carry on her wedding. The dialog is..interesting to say the least. I won't lose it too much though on this one though since I'm pretty sure this is a lower level book trying to make it out in a sea of over advertised manhwa

I thought my time was up.

You know those porn/no plot tags on ao3? That's basically ITMTWU in a nutshell. Within only 20 chapters, the male lead Asrahan is already obsessed with Lariette after chapters of her violating his personal space to force a relationship between them. The whole magic plot is pushed to the side, Asrahans curse isn't allowed to be an actual rotting flesh curse like it's described as cause he's still gotta be pretty, and the rest of the plot is basically just soft core porn and fanservice that does little to actually move whatever is left of the plot.

For my derelict favorite.

The. Hypocrisy. How is this book gonna make the entire message about deconstructing main character centered morality and then almost immediately backpeddaling with justifying Hestia for attacking a woman who doesn't know her for rejecting her favorite man and proceeding to just ruin her day whenever she can. Hestia would say "im not like other girls." Hestia would be an avid fan of those trust fund baby GMV. Hestia would put her hair in a messy bun, shit on whatever is popular and act like she's making a statement . Even calling her Hestia feels like straight up disrespectful to the real goddess of the hearth who funnily enough is known as one of the most chill Greek gods.

Marry my husband

now Marry my husband is not insanely problematic wheras it's just cliché, predictable and in general pretty bad. It is a fast food manhwa designed to fulfill the classic top boss takes good care of you fantasy so naturally a lot is put on hold to showcase the sweet relationship between the central characters and almost everyone needs to have a lover. It's so bad it's actually kinda funny because the villains are so cartoonishly evil for office workers. Sumin is out here speaking in 3rd person, dressing in clothes found in the little kid section of Walmart and makes comical comments about her desire to ruin Jiwons life, Minhwan is basically a borderline discord mod who casually killed jiwon in the first timeline and goes "Oh well." and there's this random ugly old man who's name I can't remember who's the only one interested in Sumin till the end because he basically wants em younger without the risk of going to federal prison.

Remarried empress

I don't think i need to explain much at this point, if you know my account then you already know how I feel about remarried empress. Season 1 was pretty good though.

Divorcing my tyrant husband

I think we all know at this point that's whenever a title has the word "divorce" 9/10 of the time there is never going to be divorce and it'll devolve into the FL changing her mind and staying with her trashy ex husband because he now decided that Robelia wasn't like other girls and left his mistress in the dust. The plot kinda started getting out of hand when Robelias love interests expanded to one of her obsessed slaves and a Duke to prove that Alexandros was the better option. The villian Aisha is a joke who gets her ass handed to her over and over because "damsel woman always bad." and the art starts to lose its touch. I usually don't mind when artstyle changes but dear God do some of these characters look a Lil fugly.

Cry or better yet beg.

The final story that is in the awful section, why? Because it has the most lost potential. As terrible as this CoHo equivalent is, it details the very realistic parts of being a mistress to a nobleman. In most other stories, the mistress is an evil wench who could easily back out but in cry or better yet beg, Layla is unable to escape Matthias's abuse because it could risk her uncles job. There's a lot to this manhwa and novel that could've made a tragic story about a girl trapped in an abusive relationship with little help, the art is gorgeous and the characters for the most part were well written. It's a real shame that it turned out to be a rape apologist work instead.

next up are the mediocre manhwas, finally there will a little more positivity.

The villainess is a marionette

its.so.boring! This one was hyped up all over the place on Instagram and tiktok and the art looked stunning so I gave it a shot. This is definitely one of those stories that only got popular because of its art in my opinion because the plot is so confusing. Events are happening left and right, the pacing goes from too fast to too slow, characters personalities and traits keep warping, and while this might just be the result of poor adaptation her brother comes across as incestuous a couple of times. while Cayena isn't the worst FL, she's a mary sue by all definitions. Sorry but it's a bunch of jumbled wires. The reason it earns a spot in "it's okay" is because I heard the novel like usual is better so it might not be the fault of the original author

I was the male leads ex

It wasn't bad just boring but a little less boring then the former I'll give it that. The artstyle looked prettier in the beginning so that was kind of sad to see it change in later chapters. What drew me to keep reading was the chance that the ogfl Julianna may not be evil but even a potential love interest. So I got excited and apparently there's the idea that Julianna is actually her brother in disguise which.. would just ruin it tbh, there goes any chance at a ogfl being a human being and not a plot device. Not a huge fan of Erica or really any of the love interests.

From maid to queen

This is the newest of the lineup I read and it was actually interesting for once to see a new story where the MC was the concubine. First off the maids feel less like women employed to do the chores of the palace and more like the cartel 😭, in early chapters whenever Urania is aiming to be the concubine, being lazy with her job or getting comfortable with a powerful man in general they're already out with sticks ready to ruin her day and they even try to kill her. Lot of people don't like that Urania isn't a girls girl but honestly I can't blame her for wanting more out of life then poverty, where she comes across as stupid is that she's still wanting that role even after it got her killed last time. I think that it could work though since it shows that urania is more human and not a perfect goddess of a woman however that does not make up for the shit world building (like what the hell was that mushroom that could turn into a perfect still corpse of you 💀)

The villainess maker.

Ill admit I'm a little harsh on this one on my tier list. The plot still isn't great but there are so much worse out there so it ended up moving up on the list due to default. The plot is mostly just bland and generic down to all the characters and the tropes. Ayla is a girlboss in the villainesses body, Charlotte is a super "revolutionary" kind girl turned wicked wench and the ML is another "touch her and I'll kill you" type. What i will give the Villainess maker is the distinct artstyle. It's not as stylized and while it does get lazy at the end it still is very recognizable.

Abellas dessert shop.

Its another extremely underrated manhwa that's another isekai about a wronged woman looking to move on from her shitty fiancé and start a dessert shop. Ngl the moments where Abella is forced to put on a kind face despite her cheating fiancé or her ex friend popping in is definitely relatable especially in the workforce. Still a little bland but wholesome.

I didn't mean to seduce the male lead.

Eleanor is the FL hired to convince the ML to accept women into his life with the hopes that he will fall in love with the ogfl Irene. Tbh this one can get very icky with how it tries to force the notion that you must fall in love but the guy just instantly falls in love with Eleanor so.. I guess that's a little better? Regardless though i will not fault this manhwa too much because unfortunately the author died before the story was over so it deserves a little slack since it never got the chance to be more. Rest in peace author.

Who made me a princess.

Ill be straight with this now: it's Mid. Objectively the story isn't too terrible and I do find Athy a good protagonist not to mention my love for Jennete but everything else is pretty "meh." Not a huge fan of Claude from his design to his personality, the ML is another case of a grown as immortal meeting his wife when she's still a child (theres a little credit ill admit for Athy being mentally a grown woman but that doesnt stop me from thinking its uncomfortable to acknowledge) It can be cute sometimes and I'll give it that but I don't think I'll ever reread it, just not for me.

Actually I was the real one

Good god this was such a bastardization of the original novel. With that said I'll admit i was still entertained reading it since you could say that the novel wouldn't be an instant cheat sheet to learn what was gonna happen. Still it could've at least tried to be a loyal adaptation. They give Keira 2 options to choose as a love interest when she had none in the source material, Zeke is pushed to the side and the maids honestly get on my nerves with their one note personalities. They also seem to forget that Cosette is literally being possessed by a demon he'll bent on destroying humanity (which she succeeded in the first time) because what was built up as an amazing antagonist is just a joke now. The only other redeeming factors are that in the Manhwa Cosette is still alive and the whole elemental plot stays constant. Despite my complaints on the adaptation it is still a interesting read but the novel will always beat it no matter what.

I know it sounds like I'm just being a negative Nancy with all of these and I'm sorry for being so negative but the next part will be more positive.

Next time on part 2 will be the decent stories.

[rubber-glovs]

Dearest, Ptks (haha see what I did there with that comma)

I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH WTF!! I think you're all so sweet and considerate of each other and it makes so happy. Every time I see a new post, comment or reply from you guys it just makes me smile like an idiot. I like talking to you guys and making references that no one could understand (eg: fanfic 69, cherry candy, jadebury). I've watched musicals, listened to music and done all sorts for you guys because you all mean so much to me. After 3 days of no contact because my phone broke, honestly got me in tears because I was so scared to lose you guys over a stupid mistake I made.

Now, onto the SERIOUS SHIT. Every single one of you guys changed my life for the better. I have people who are into the same things as me, and I can happily talk about them. I don't know what would've happened if I never caved and finally watched Hamilton, but I know that I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now. If I never went to Pinterest to find pictures of the Hamilton cast, then I would've never stumbled upon Jade's pinterest, which caused me to gain the confidence to post things myself. Thinking back to the days when I met everyone and felt pure joy every time someone posted or replied to my comment makes me genuinely so happy that I still act like that. It's only been a few couple of months, but it's been the best couple of months for me.

Meeting the ptks helped me build my confidence. If I never met you guys, I would've never done the things I've done today. I would've never joined the sfth discord, join the school musical production, willingly want to perform in front of a whole class, be more like myself to friends and family, be able to purchase things on my own in public, express my thoughts and beliefs and just be more like myself while also being open to learn more about myself. If I never had this confidence, I'd be the same shy kid in class who could never raise a hand in class. I'm eternally grateful and feel like I'm in dept for all you've done to me.

I feel like I view you guys as friend crushes, like someone you want to be friends with, but the thing is, is that we already friends. It feels surreal sometimes when I realise I've got these really cool friends who listen to me and actually like me, and what's even better is that I didn't have to fake my personality to get them to like me, I am being myself all the time and no one judges me! It makes me so happy ^_^

Special mentions!

@jadelemonadee , the day I met you, I remember being so excited. Meeting you made me realise that there were people out there who had similar interests to me. Without you, I'd never even post on any platform or express my passions like how you do for Thayne. Every time you feel down, I don't hesitate to console you because I don't believe you should feel like that. In my eyes, I perceive you as this really cool best friend and a role model.

@pretzlgldpoisson Jesus christ Vee. There is so much I could say, but not words come to mind. You're my lesbian best friend to my trans self. I love every conversation we have, and I trust you so much. I felt safe to reveal my voice, face, and even MY TOWN?? It's crazy how much I love you, and we've never met in real life. It honestly sucks that you live in America and I live in England, I would give everything I have to meet you in real life. I like staying up to text or call for you (even though we've only called twice).

I think people would call me stupid or silly for caring and trusting these random strangers I've met online, but honestly, I trust them so much to not even think twice if they're a 50 year old man trying to kidnap me (please tell me none of you are). I genuinely care so much, but unfortunately, I can't articulate it all.

I love you all so much <3 I'm off to bed since it's 1 am and my sleep schedule is surprisingly improving!!

-Kaden ^_^

[thr4shit]

Venting under cut because I feel bad at the moment.

(Understatement of the fucking century right there, bitch.)

I'm tired.

I'm lonely.

I feel like shit.

I want to talk to people.

But at the same time don't want to deal with conversations.

Being in a state of contradictory existence fucking sucks.

My mental health has been absolute bullshit for the past like... almost two full weeks.

(I've had like 7 or so breakdowns/episodes in the course of 8 days, with some days having MULTIPLE. I got VIOLENT in some of them. I BRUISED MYSELF because I started slamming my fist into my forearm because I felt like I was bullshit and deserved to feel pain. It barely fucking hurt, and I was hitting full force... I was LAUGHING, CRYING, SMILING, and SCREAMING all at once as I did that. I was ecstatic, and sad, and happy and enraged all at fucking once on rapid fucking shuffle with no breaks or warnings. In another case I had in depth plans to TRACK DOWN AND HURT people who were annoying me. They've been so much worse than they've ever been and it's just EPISODE after EPISODE and I don't get a fucking break and I'm so fucking tired afterwards. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I feel disgusting. I feel like I'm becoming a monster and I don't know how to stop it. I NORMALLY ONLY HAVE AT MOST 5 OR SO MAJOR EPISODES LIKE THIS A YEAR. AND INSTEAD NOW I'M JUST HAVING THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND OVER TINY BULLSHIT THAT I SHOULDN'T BE??? Like- YEAH, sometimes I'd get into one WITHOUT provocation, but those are RARER. They shouldn't be happening SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK???)

No one in my irl life seems to give a shit about trying to help me feel better.

(No one is an exaggeration, but VERY, VERY FEW)

Instead they do shit that makes me feel worse.

But I can't fucking say that because they're "good people" most of the fucking time.

They're just not helpful right now.

And it's not like I could be 100% open to them either!

I'd fucking scare them off!

I'd be alone ALL OVER AGAIN for the SAME REASON AS LAST TIME.

THE SIMPLE REASON OF "my mental health got bad again and I SCARE them now"

I CAN'T FUCKING EXPLAIN HOW MANY TIMES I'VE LOST EVERYONE BECAUSE OF THAT!

IT'S BULLSHIT.

But I also don't blame them??? I'd be scared of me too at times.

Jesus christ, I mean I fucking am. I'm always scared that I'm gonna go too far one time.

I can't handle people.

I can't handle friendships.

Maybe at this point I shouldn't have them.

I don't know how to properly reach out to professionals.

I don't want to because I don't want things to be more "wrong" with me than they already fucking are.

I don't want to reach out because then I'll be alone again.

But if I don't reach out I could end up alone again.

No matter what there's no good outcome.

This place is my only escape from it but now it's falling silent too.

I'm being drowned in silence again.

I'm getting to that point again where not even my fixes can give me joy and I don't see the point in TRYING to enjoy anything.

But, y'know. I'm not fucking depressed so I should be fine, right???

That whole "this too shall pass" bullshit???

Fun fact, it NEVER passes for me.

It's just always waiting to COME BACK.

I'm a fucking monster. And they're right.

They're all fucking right.

And I fucking hate it.

Nothing I have been diagnosed with explains this.

People always blame it on my executive dysfunction.

Even I did.

But at this point I'm not fucking sure.

At this point I'm starting to think I'm just a bad person.

At this point I'm willing to believe I'm the monster they think I am.

But oh fucking well. I have a new blog theme. So... yay...!

[lunapwrites]

Monthly(ish) Reading - September

Okay so we're clearly a bit late here. There's been a lot going on this month, what with *everything.*

I'm trying something different this go round, because I've found that all my decks have a different "voice" and perspective, and things they tend to focus on. So I thought that since I'm at such a loss right now, I could benefit from a council of sorts lol. As such, I am pulling from all three of my main decks right now, and forgoing the runes and oracle cards since those are for providing flavor, and I already know what the flavor is for this month (terrible.)

So without further ado...

I swear I shuffled that first one.

The first thing that jumps out here is holy shit wands and cups. There's a lot of emotional shit going on, a lot of energy and volatility. However, the effect is largely muted: fire (wands) and water (cups) tend to cancel each other out. So where does this leave us?

ARCHEON: overall positive. This deck likes to focus on my personal relationships, and this is no different. I'm in a place of great change right now but I've generally been taking it all on the chin with as much grace and courage as can be expected. My relationships are a support at the moment and not a burden. If anything, I could stand to lean on my partner a little more. A solid foundation to work from.

CROW: Still a little new to this one and feeling out where its focus is but uh. Jesus fuck. I'm in a delicate balancing act rn. There is conflict brewing right now, which on its own wouldn't be too dire - generally a talk to out issue normally - but unfortunately the wheel keeps wheeling which is specifically a lot of cycle of life bullshit right now. Lots of life and death happening, sunrise sunset, yada yada. To me and around me, specifically. It's a lot. And my mental state ain't great right now. We are probably careening headfirst towards a breakdown of catastrophic proportions. Very cool.

LINESTRIDER: tends to be a little more external, so we're looking at what's around me. Page of Cups? That's Bean. That's always been Bean. We once again have conflict, echoing Crow that it's primarily going to be conflict with communication and ideas/beliefs, which tracks. Hanged Man is begging me to pump the breaks and take a deep breath: let these things sort themselves out instead of trying to control every little thing. (Did my partner write this?) I have great support around me, everything I could possibly need or want. But I can't see the forest for the trees right now and I'm ignoring all of those good things in my life because I'm focusing only on the bad. [Points at self in mirror] Stop that. Like, yes, shit has been bad recently. I've taken a lot of emotional hits. But Jesus Christ. Get out of your head. Breathe.

So to kind of triangulate the messaging here, nothing is actually as catastrophic as it appears rn, and I desperately need to shift my mindset and start faking it just to make it for a bit because if I can't pull myself out of the swamp of sadness here, imma make like Artax and fucking drown in it. And no one can do that for me unfortunately which really sucks because I'm just. Exhausted.

Anyway that aside this was a neat exercise, I feel like I just sat down for an intervention with myself lol. Let's do this again for the next crisis lol.

[skybristle]

Spider Lily lore go

hmmm you see thats a bit Much for 2 reasons: 1] spider lily is a 'folk tale' esque character, in fact, they were made because my close friend drake came up to me with them as ,,, folk characters as an explanation for a phenomena [in their case, the cosmic void, which is more of a Their fanon thing, in mine more generally black magic and specifically the licorice sea]. flor [and flors partner, sea angel] lived MILLENIA ago. and 2] while a complicated character spider lily is a smidge underdeveloped ,,, unforunately sea angel is just easier to put lore together with due to her direct ties to starfruit dragon. so. ill give you what i can!

so, as a premtive, a big part of my fanon was the first war of cookiekind. how it was started didn't really matter, besides it was somewhere up north where the cacao kingdom is today, but it escalated because the war god strawberry jam spirit was created from the blood shed, and millenials attempt to calm things down by sealing them in a sword uhm. Just made everyone fight over the cool epic god sword since the alliances and trade had already collapsed into a mess of fighting at this point. huh,,,, a cursed blood sword that compells anyone carrying it into a brutish monster,,, that sounds familiar! hope that isn't important later!

spider lily was from the lily villiage, but is a mage practicing blood and black magic [+ some floral magic, and maybe a bit stolen from millenial tree's roots]. Keep in mind magic does not have morality in my fanon and the whole 'blood magic' thing isn't really bad either [spider lily mainly just hurts. themself.] but like regardless they're kinda like Jesus Christ! and kick flor out.

so flor is just kinda chilling and wandering. maybe doing some shady shit but hey war mages are high in demand and with tons of blood and agony just *laying around*, spider lily is quite the threat.

insert sea angel, who is having a whole messed up religious and devotion complex and also really really overwhelmed with being The Chosen One and goes ok! I'll slay this mage to prove myself! and OOPS! All homoerotic battle that ends in them making out.

their relationship is actually very long-lasting, and ends up being very deep and passionate, all in the hellzone they're in thats really just the 'who of the week has the sword'. eventually, as their 'marriage', they swear oaths to eachother. spider lily binds them by blood, sea angel with a dragontounge oath, to share heart, mind, soul, and, the one which is going to ruin them, magic.

and. uhm. Yeah one of them falls in battle. Which leads to the other trying to save them, which is, unsurprisngly, disasterous. Taking more and more out of the fold of magic and power to get sucked into the magic loop, which,,, eventually collapses itno the licorice sea. This *basically* kills them, but their souls are entrapped in it forever as its twisted 'ruler' [this is void heart, that fucked up little lineless drawing i did a bit ago. It is Both of them <3 they are in agony <3].

their story is more abt the ramifications it has on the rest of my fanon. primarily, it gets an observer, wisteria, a powerful war mage on her own right, to finally realize how dumb and pointless this all is and going after the sword to seal it [eventually earning herself godhood and setting into motion a Ton of plot elements], starfruit dragon, wracked by even more guilt and regret, goes into a completely sleeping state that lets their magic leech out badly enough that in the modern republic people are getting light magic infestations with horrible consequences, and, slightly post-canon, void heart is 'killed' [their souls are set free] by dark roast when he's like "damn i miss my kids [latte and espresso] i'm going to become a god about it" and he fucking DOES.

[theduchessofnaxos]

Warning: extremely bitchy rant. But my feelings are hurt and I want to be a jerk about it.

So there's this trans girl in my class (trans is relevant I swear) who's been very eager to make friends and whatnot because she's joining the program. And I was raised to make friends with people Because It's The Nice Thing To Do, which means I get physically uncomfortable rejecting friendship even if the person irritates me. Which she does, because she's VERY high energy and also really focused on the "we're both trans!" thing, while I am very low energy and honestly would rather limit discussion of my transness to "oh yeah i have an appointment" and similar, because it bores me.

All of which is to say, I agreed to join a Discord channel she set up with the other trans people she knows (because she wants to collect the transes like Pokemon) and hoo boy was this a mistake. I knew it was a mistake, but told myself to quit being antisocial and misanthropic, it's good to have community and shit. I should have listened to my gut and turned down the annoying chick.

I've looked at it twice and I've already seen a comment about "muscular women > muscular cis guys" (why specify cis? Are trans men women to these people???) And today, when I posted about developing acne and how I'm excited because it means the T is working, the response from the only other transmasc was "oh, my skin got clearer on T" which prompted someone else to respond with "that means it's biologically right for you!" So, guess T isn't right for the guy who just reported his excitement over acne then? Great, thanks, I can really see why people seek community.

I don't want to be the guy who "doesn't like the community" because those guys suck. But Jesus Christ, if this is the trans community around here I'm significantly better off with the cis people who are just happy for me instead of saying weird shit.

I can and will be ignoring the Discord, but I've no idea how I'm going to handle the classmate. She'll get weird about it if I'm too distant (she repeatedly apologized for accepting a ride home from someone else, after I repeatedly said it was fine because... obviously.) But I don't want to hang out with her at all because all this weird obnoxious shit I'm suddenly dealing with stems from her. (She was also the culprit in the really fucking annoying episode of "you're totally more masculine after two days on T, which is something you should be excited to hear because obviously someone like you can't possibly feel confident in his masculinity already!")

Ugh. I blame my preschool teacher mother and her "be a leader by befriending people!" bullshit. I'm sure it makes me a better person and whatnot, but trying to be a good person currently has me subjecting myself to a "friendship" that's putting me in invalidating and hurtful situations and I think I probably deserve better than that.

[cupuacu]

loooove december break!! i genuinely thought this was one of the most mentally exhausting semesters of my life. it felt like it was never ending yet at the same time like i had 100000 things to do and send it over to the professors like yesterday. and i have never been so bad at communication as i was the past 6 months. i'd forget to say things and when i could say them i chose not to. literally snowballed itself into horrible hurried projects. it all started so chill i literally didn't worry that 1) laptop wasnt working 2) only signed in for two classes 3) i needed to change my table and chair because my back is RUINED. of course that all got solved along the way but it'd be easier if i had fixed those three things back in july break, i think i'm a masochist when it comes to things like this, i see the whip coming and i just stand there motionless. like as soon as it was 12:01 02/12/2023 i felt like i needed to scream freedom lol

then these days honestly i didn't even feel anything at all (other than that temporary extreme relief that it was over). because it just all feels so pointless. i will go thru all of this again next semester because i'm already fucking up now (signed for classes i know i can't handle because everyone tells me "i need to challenge myself if i want to get better", signed for mandatory unpaid internship as if the PAID one i did last year didn't absolutely kill me). part of me just wants to finish this stupid fucking shit by next year (impossible bc i still have like 20 classes left to do). i love architecture but university really sucks your soul out. they (society and the job market) kill your inspiration then they kill your will to live. i look around this city and everything is so ugly and useless and not functional and it tries so hard to look clean and modern it ends up just being fake and empty. if i go into private stuff i'll get insane clients that'll want the ugliest dumbest shit ever built, if i go into the public one the government has no sense of self and just tries to copy whatever's trending on the southeast/south or usa/europe as if it would work or as if they had money. like jesus christ think locally. all these ugly glass boxy buildings are gonna be the end of us, these dumb empty parks are doing more harm than good, stop restoring historical buildings if you're just gonna abandon them again. if i see anything in a beige palette i go in a rabid rage like where is the life where's the originality? sure overly-regional things can be cringe and people in the north and especially in my city have a terminal case of vira-latice. ideally i'd have started uni in 2017 and finished it in 2021 and moved on to whatever the future may hold but im MENTALLY ILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! did 2 semesters then took a gap year then came back to uni and i'm just as lost as i felt in 2017. I FEEL STUCK IN TIME!!!!!! sure if i had done it "normally" i wouldn't even be here because i would have For Real killed myself. to be quite honest i didn't even think i was gonna make it past 13 years old and here i am 10 years later pushing thru it and all i got from it is that i should've thrown myself out of the damn 15th floor of a building when i had the chance in 2013. like genuinely genuinely speaking whenever i look around whenever i go out society and the world just seems to get worse. i can still see beauty in some things but it feels like staring at a small flower in a world where everything is destroyed. i can distract myself as much as i want to but the sense of doom and the sense of me being a waste of a life NEVER goes away.

and on the topic of distractions i have been using my phone so much it's making my brain go insane so i'm trying to not use it as much (12h screentime.....) sadly i haven't been able to focus on drawing or reading or writing or doing anything that is "by me for me" because i cannot focus. i feel soulless yet so depressed. seeing dead bodies and people fighting and suffering so hard just to live daily definitely made it worse but i feel bad saying that because it's like 'oh no this horrible thing is happening and i can't do anything except watch' bc there's ppl Going thru that horrible thing. i will always have an undying respect for palestinians and i think in fact watching all this made me realise how resiliant and strong ppl can be. and also how evil some ppl can be, i have never seen someone as inhuman as z**nists like the more i learn the angrier i get. and this is silly but sites like twitter (for me at least) there were a endless stream of them. no matter how many i blocked there would always be more. here at tumblr i guess i curated my dash very well and i don't use the for you tab here so i don't see them at all (thank god). yet you'll always find out someome at staff is a z**nist or something like that (same happens in other sites) and it's wow no matter how good my dash/timeline is these are all still a morally failed site owned and/or run by losers and i wish i wasn't as chronically online so i'd delete every account on every website and never use the internet again.

the only thing that has made me sort of zone out and forget life is gaming. i've been playing stardew valley like my life depends on it and sadly i can't even put mods on switch so i'm genuinely #grinding. i'm on year two winter and i got so much stuff already (my first time playing had me on year four fall and i didn't have half of what i have now). also last month my mom bought ssd cards for our laptops and i was able to redownload genshin so i'm playing it a lot again. i really missed kazuha and xinyan i feel like i have a slight delusion thing where characters genuinely bring me joy. also i haven't played genshin in sooooo long my hands forgot how to use the keyboard (and i've been losing fine motor skills lately but i'll talk about that later) and i was so used to playing zelda that i mixed up some of the world dynamics. i'd be like where are the sky islands i need to look at the map from above, why can't i mark things far away with a camera so i can check later, how do i see hero's path i need to know if i've been here before, why is it so hard to aim, why can't i parry, why don't the enemies drop decent loot. and also i'd be annoyed by common genshin stuff like the endless amount of text and dialogue like my GOD let me skip. i don't care!!!! i stopped reading text after the raiden shogun quest now i just skip everything!!!! why are the cutscenes so boring!!!!! why is every archon quest the same!!!!! but i love open world games. i love long quests. i love exploring. i love puzzles. hate the gacha system though. i haven't played in over a year and i thought when i'd come back there'd be 27827383 notifications and primogems STACKED for me to use and yet i wasnt surprised when there wasn't anything bc mihoyo is the worst company on earth and capitalism is the end of us. kinda sad i missed the birthday event and lost a cute fontaine companion though. by the way the flying and diving system is so broken (to me at least) and it's sooooo uncomfortable. my fingers are on the WASD keys and the space key and the shift like jesus christ this sucks. i got too used to using the switch and having a controller and the gyroscope and the comfort of it all lol.

the fine motor skills worsening started this year i think. i can't pinpoint exactly why or when but i think it was a mix of a bunch of things. i've been sedentary my whole life so my bones and joints are all fucked. i've been sitting ans standing wrong my whole life and my bones/muscles just adapted to it so now when i try to fix it, it hurts like hell. i'm pretty sure one of my legs is way shorter than the other. back to my fingers, i noticed that i wasnt able to type on my phone as fast as i did in the past. couldn't move them that fast anymore. felt like there was some sort of lag or glitch on the brain-to-hand connection. didn't pay much attention to that cos who cares how fast i can type. then i wasnt able to type on a keyboard properly, then not able to hold things properly, and now my hands just feel sort of numb and/or slow compared to before. fine for me though, i feel like i need to slow down when i do projects or when i'm gaming. i always get too much into it (and often at the last minute) then my body pays the price. the last project this semester had me up for 2 days and on the verge of an psychotic episode for another 4.

oh and to top it all off my laptop hard drive decided to kill itself in the middle of the semester. it was showing signs of giving up waaaay before that and i didn't know any better and didn't look into it. i'm still very hurt over it. there were SO many photos and SO many videos and documents and audios and music. my lifetime was there. and now it's gone and i still can't believe it. so mamy personal moments and also a lot of work i made and collected just gone forever in the void that is technology. i will never be able to see the baby pictures of my dogs and i won't be able to see the videos i took when i traveled with my family and i won't be able to read things i wrote when i was 13 and i won't be able to see pictures of myself growing up over the years and i wont be able to see all the pictures i saved of my online friends and i wont be able to listen to all the music i downloaded or watch the movies i downloaded or read those pdfs and i won't be able to use the billion autocad blocks that took me years to organize and i won't be able to make a portfolio bc my work and the proof of its existence is not there and i wont be able to play the games i had in those specific save files...... its like it never existed. like i have never felt a loss like this in my entire life. literally my burning of alexandria lol they will always exist on my mind of course, but i must also be experiencing some sort of early on set dementia because i forget EVERYTHING unless it's in front of me. so there's also the loss of the loss because everything i had in that hard drive died and it will also die in my memories.

and my phone fell last month i think and now the camera app doesn't open and i havent been able to take pictures. it's funny cos after i had my iphone stolen in 2019 and had to buy the one i have now (cheap and low quality) i thought i stopped taking pictures of everything. but man these days made me realise i unconsciously photograph things. i try to open my camera almost by muscle memory then watch it close itself and glitch. now i've been trying to write things down or just memorize them, which has been hard bc of my hands and my bad brain. but it's fun. analog almost. i get to appreciate and look at things more carefully with my own two eyes now instead of "ill take a pic and look at it later". and man, is the sky beautiful!!! the leaves are beautiful, the sky is beautiful!!! even the ants on the ground are!!

and its kinda early, but i do feel my body age also. probs due to me being unhealthy and normally old = sick. my back hurts so bad for sitting and standing and existing and sitting on a bad chair on a bad table for years, im really glad for being able 2 go the doc and get physio therapy and my posture fixed. i want a tank to make me flat cartoon style, that'd fix my pain!!! my posture doc kinda is weirded out by me (im too hairy and too awkward) but the therapist doesnt care at all. theyve really be relieving my shoulder pain, i wonder if there's still a way to fix it... itd be genuinely life saving

[troglobite]

unpleasant no notice work thing update

IT guy said "i'll call them in 15"

he called a full 40 mins later, not 15.

phone was occupied when he finally did call, so he left a msg

i called him back after other phone call was done

he mumbles and the audio sucks so i thought he said microsoft teams--he didn't, i have NO idea what he DID say, bc we just used teams

he does the 'take control of computer' thing (but i had to allow permissions twice for that to happen which was So Fun)

he goes abt doing everything he needs to do

however. in order to take control through teams. he had to make a call. and we're ALSO on the phone.

and at no point does he mute himself. i muted MYself. and bc he had control of the screen, i was unable to click on the top bar of the screen to turn down the volume.

incredible work from an IT guy.

then as he's downloading everything and giving me access to the server, he straight up commits so many security faux pas

just google searches the name of the software i need, clicks on the very first link, clicks download without looking any further on the webpage

meanwhile, that's how MULTIPLE youtube accounts & streamers got hacked not that long ago, bc someone had set up a fake version of the software they use and paid to get it to show up BEFORE the real version in search results, so ppl would download MALWARE bc they weren't checking before downloading!

the same things happens with discord! every time i've had to reinstall it, i've had to check and check again that it's the correct website, bc there's ANOTHER one that shows up BEFORE it in the search results!

you HAVE to check the URL and the download file and the veracity of the webpage and ALL of that before you EVER download software like that, jesus CHRIST, dude. you could've just downloaded a devastating virus to my HOME COMPUTER WITH ALL OF MY DND FILES ON IT.

so he does that, giving me a minor anxiety attack

and then he's giving me access to the servers, and he has to use particular login info from the company--and he SAVES IT TO MY KEYCHAIN.

BRO. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

he literally had to ACTIVELY CHOOSE to add it to my keychain!

i will be REMOVING that keychain data IMMINENTLY. like i had my apple account HACKED through bluetooth this year! and the ONLY saving grace was that NONE of my financial or privacy/security data is saved through apple! BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOT AND I DON'T USE APPLE'S PASSWORD KEYCHAIN!!! [you're not an idiot if you do, i'm more anxious/paranoid abt it bc it's already been compromised for me, and now i know how deeply unsafe it is--but AN IT GUY?! SHOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT, TOO! especially when it's not even HIS computer!]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING SAVING COMPANY PASSWORDS TO A RANDO'S FUCKING COMPUTER?! THAT SHIT'S VULNERABLE!

then he just did a deeply fucking annoying thing:

he allowed pop-up notifications and alerts from the other software that he downloaded (which he did through more secure means the second time for the other thing)

like dude. this is MY computer, WHAT are you doing making that decision for me?

he also added everything to my launchbar at the bottom without asking me if i wanted that. extremely minor, i can always remove them. but Fuck You??? this is my computer, it's already weird enough to be doing this. fuck off, man.

here's the ULTIMATE irony about the fucking security faux pas with this shit and everything he did:

the company's servers had ALREADY blown up for EVERYONE literally just a day or two ago. THAT'S why i got no warning! he was ALREADY on the phone w my mom to fix HER access to her servers and give HER the software, etc., because IT HAD BEEN REMOVED AND SHE KEPT GETTING ERRORS.

BECAUSE I.T. FUCKED UP WHEN TRYING TO "HELP" A DIFFERENT EMPLOYEE

this other employee lost access to the servers, so IT's solution was to force her to download software on her PERSONAL COMPUTER and an accompanying app on her phone--and it blew up both of them. her phone and laptop, all but bricked. couldn't open anything, couldn't connect to wifi, couldn't access servers, nothing. basically entirely busted.

and IT WAS A KNOWN PROBLEM. she literally used something else to google it for all of 5 seconds and there it was: deeply unsafe, unsecured app/software, lots of bugs and issues, often wrecks whatever it's downloaded on.

HORRIFYING.

so he was cleaning up HIS OWN MESS TODAY and my mom said "my assistant also needs to be set up with everything" which is why i got 15 mins heads up.

bc she emailed them asking for them to set me up LITERALLY TWO WEEKS AGO

he only replied last week and then let SIX DAYS go by. he was supposed to 1. give me a day heads up 2. set up a time to do it.

and instead, bc he completely forgot and made a giant mess for multiple employees, i got 15 mins heads up.

the only satisfying part was calling HIM back with zero warning and forcing him to do work without a heads up. super fun, isn't it, asshole?

anyway he was perfectly neutral/fine on the phone. it's truly just like--why do IT guys suck SO MUCH? i've NEVER spoken or interacted with one who was kind and patient, and now i can add to the list "or knew anything about proper computer security measures" bc like what the Actual Fuck, my man.

anyway, as an autistic person i fucking HATE being surprised out of the blue with ANYTHING, but ESPECIALLY something that i was SUPPOSED to get warning for. and that involves tech and interacting with someone i don't know.

deeply unpleasant. hated all of it.

and it meant that i had to put off getting food and be stressed abt other bodily functions (my stomach has been wrecked for a few days now, recovering) so like, couldn't even go to the bathroom. i just.

this absolutely sucks, and i think i have every right to be fucking annoyed at MINIMUM abt this shit.

whatever, it's done. my complaining is done. but like holy shit how does a fucking IT guy make such dangerous mistakes/choices. jfc.

[pesterloglog]

Harry Anderson Egbert, Vrissy Maryam-Lalonde

Page 548

TG: tavvy's being useless as ever.

TG: just let me know if you're all good.

TG: it's getting pretty bad out here.

-- thespiansGlamor [TG] is now an idle chum! ––

TG: uh...

TG: if you're alive, let me know?

TG: hopefully vriska didn't manage to get you smoked.

TG: or something.

TG: haha, sorry i keep overthinking.

TG: lol.

TG: you're probably fine.

TG: i think.

TG: yeah, what am i saying, you totally got this!

TG: when have you fumbled anything. you're fucking awesome

TG: vriska's got nothin on you. right?

-- thespiansGlamor [TG] is now an idle chum! --

TG: vrissy?

TG: shit, ok.

TG: in case anything happens

TG: uh

TG: i'm happy we got to be together despite having to go to different schools.

TG: and i got to hang out with you and stuff.

TG: you've just been like

TG: the best matesprit i've ever had. haha.

TG: you're like

TG: the coolest chick

TG: and i love hanging out with you?

TG: fuck i already said that.

TG: what i'm trying to say is that you're just really awesome and fun to be around and it would suck if...

TG: wow no.

TG: god what the hell am i doing.

TG: that was the dumbest thing i've ever sent.

TG: ignore that.

TG: i'll stop messaging now.

AG: Dude.

AG: Holy Shit??

AG: I'm here.

TG: oh, hey.

AG: Your messages were sent All at Once and you nearly Crashed my phone.

AG: Chill Out!!!

TG: well, sorry for checking on you??

TG: i've been waiting to hear back since yesterday!!

AG: What, you can't Survive a Singular Goddamn Second alone without Me?

AG: Relax, I wasn't even Gone that long.

AG: More Importantly though,

AG: Guess who just 8roke out of Prison?

AG: ME, 8ITCH!!!!!!!!

AG: I fucking Did that!!

TG: what.

TG: prison.

TG: you mean..

AG: Yes, Prison!

TG: you're just messing with me right? lol. this is another prank.

AG: Nope!

TG: i don't really feel like joking right now to be honest.

AG: I'm not Fucking Joking, Harry!!!!!!! It was a D8ngerous situation, why would I even Lie a8out something like That????

TG: because you lie all the time??

TG: fine, i'll humor you.

TG: are you still with vriska?

AG: Nah, not right now. She is doing Her Thing while I am doing Mine.

TG: so you were left alone with her ONCE and she already got the both of you arrested.

TG: that's good to know.

TG: could have given me a heads up.

AG: Give you a Heads Up that I was going to get thrown in Jail? Wow, just say you're inept at Identifying a little thing called "Unforseen Circumstances". I can't tell the Future, dingus.

TG: no, i meant about leaving with vriska.

AG: I would have 8ut I had no Signal! They pro8a8ly Jammed it or some Shit.

AG: It only Connected once I made it out!

TG: man, i don't get it.

TG: she already managed to put targets on our heads in less than 24 hours of chasing her trail of bullshit.

TG: why would you even keep following her.

AG: 8ecause I wanted to. And she was making a lot of Sense at the Time!

Ag: Ugh, stop typing wh8tever you're a8out to Type.

AG: It's fine!!!! I don't Wanna Hear it!

AG: The Point is, I used my Powers for something actually really Useful! And not just to Torment Tavvy, which I intend to keep doing

AG: ...8ut 8-fold. ::::)

AG: God, I can't W8 to try this shit on Everything!!!!!!!!

TG: oh.

TG: like your mind thingy?

TG: i'm not really following...

TG: can you just explain what the hell you were doing all this time??

AG: May8e you'd Find Out if you would let me Finish!!!

AG: 8asically, Vriska thought it would 8e a Gr8 idea to take us on some kind of Half-8aked Mission to get Captured 8y Jane's goons to... uh... I'm not even sure myself 8ut wh8tever she did, she knew what she was doing? I guess????????

AG: Anyway, we got Am8ushed and thrown in Prison.

TG: jesus christ.

AG: It wasn't a 8ig deal. I pl8yed the hand I was given, and I'm Fine. I wanted to prove to her that I can handle these things Myself.

AG: And I Did.

AG: She Pressed me to try out my Mind Manipul8tion, and it turns out that was all I Needed!

AG: I managed to Puppet this Dum8 Guard to open the Cell after some concentr8ting. Took less than a Minute. Easy.

AG: After that, she wanted me to Follow her 8ut I stopped Caring a8out wh8tever corny Spy Mission she was doing in there so I just Left.

AG: I was getting kind of Sick of her Grilling me the whole time anyway.

TG: yeah, i mean, she kind of fucking sucks to be around if you haven't noticed?

TG: i know she's like this super cool and badass legend to you but i think this is one of those never meet your heroes type situations.

TG: her vibes are rancid.

AG: Oh relax Harry, she wasn't That 8ad.

TG: i'm pretty sure she'd sleep like a rock at night if anything really terrible happened to you.

TG: she doesn't care, dude.

TG: about us.

TG: or anyone.

TG: or material possessions, for that matter.

TG: she trashed up my room and stomped her gross red shoes all over my awesome costumes!

TG: i put my heart and soul into those, man...

TG: AND she put you in danger.

AG: Who cares a8out Your costumes!! She helped me have a Psionic 8r8kthrough!!!!!!!! That's a good enough Reason for me to Trust that she knows her Shit.

AG: Don't forget that she's a Literal fucking God.

TG: well, she's not mine.

AG: There's no Denying that if there's one thing she's Effortless at, it's getting shit done. So even if Shit gets Real, I'm going to try to get a Cut of her Luck any Chance I get.

AG: I'm just taking a 8it of a 8r8k.

TG: i don't think tossing you head first into jane's ambush as an endurance test qualifies as "luck", but what the hell do i know.

TG: at least the psychic stuff is pretty cool, ig.

AG: Psionic.

TG: whatever.

TG: not to piss on your victory parade, but i think you should hurry up and come meet me, i'm basically a sitting duck.

AG: Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.

-- adamantGriftress [AG] ceased pestering thespiansGlamor [TG] --

[honking-up-a-storm]

6/23/23

Using this page to start off the day cuz idc that there's some doodles already on it. I think it's gonna be another slow day, 4 handicap spots are open, more open past the entrance, and the main lot is very empty. It could fill up who knows, but my hopes aren't very high. Funny how active online I was in 16'-17', maybe it's because that's when a lot of current websites came out that have a clear record. Ungh, I want to do something where is everyone? I guess I can get some reading done today. As long as my feet hold up I guess. I knew there would be slow days, but slow and standing in one spot is killing me. Oh! I bought the book so I can properly do this, it should be coming in 5-14 days, though the seller is in state so it should be quick enough. One car, not gonna touch it since it has the handicap adapter on it, I could drive it but I don't wanna adjust the settings. I think this writing is good for a least cracking a dent in this book. Had a very deep dream where things were okay again, makes no sense. If it's a premonition, I don't want it. Could try reaching out to her though. I feel bad and I miss her. Taking the easy way out isn't cute. There's totally shit going through my head right now that's too fast to write FFS. It's cuz I'm thinking about IT, which is annoying. I've exhausted all thoughts on the subject, made my conclusions, pretty much moved on less than a week later due to good timing on the new circles. I guess I'm frustrated with my exit. I had more time than I thought. I guess it's only natural to have wanted things to go your way. It just sucks cuz I wasn't attached to those thoughts and words anymore and the grief I have for them is still very potent no matter how much I try to hide and deny It. I find it odd too that I didn't feel sad after, I thought over the scenario so many times that I was sure I'd just fall apart, but I didn't and don't feel sorry for myself cuz I was a full-on bitch who deserved it. The frustration and grief are what linger. And I think grief is the appropriate word bc jesus christ I loved them, I loved all of them and I don't know why I was that fucking monstrous (Well therapy helped find the route of that but still, tldr: Family source, took that kinda shit talking as a normal way to vent and be done with it bc worse shit has gone around the house and yet everyone claims to love each other, should have never done it to my friends). And I'm frustrated because jesus christ even though I don't remember much of the exit I know I was just spewing bullshit and was pissed beyond hell that it was happening while I was not in a good spot mentally and physically. They probably think I threw myself into therapy because of the situation, but nah it's because for the first time in my life I let myself stand a little too close to the edge of the train platform and envisioned some things. But shit the only thing that stopped me was my own fear of death and that girl who got her leg torn off by the green line a few days prior. Anywho I'm glad I'm better, obviously not cured or perfect but much much better. My paranoia is gone, I'm less irritable, and life is just enjoyable again. It's kinda funny how I'm working a job where I was only in it for the money (financial issues strike again when the V work is said) but like I'm having like actual fun working, it's literally the perfect job for someone with ADHD, every day is different and I get to move a lot, interact with a lotta people. Also like I work with cars all day, I love driving. I'm in my pink era, I'm starting to love life again.

Notes:

A - Truman show/ Fleabagging, mirroring, mimicking, repeating, fixations, extremely picky with food, shutdown rather than lash out

M - Overstimulation, IFYKYK, sensory issues

N - Can drive, good balance

it feels like summer again

I am made up of so many things

Gift of the day from funny old dude regular: 3 Musketeers bar

"FTM" license plate is real

[unsettledink]

An interesting thread on comments and comment culture passed by on my dash, and for some reason it hooked me in. As usual, I started off wanting to say one thing and next thing I know, I'm 4k in with thoughts that everyone wants to hear. Right?

I left most of it on the post, talking about how comments used to be conversations, and how it never feels like people address the vulnerability of leaving a comment when they try and encourage more feedback.

I don't have answers. It's a cultural shift and how do things end up shifting again? Something big like a new platform or a radical change will probably have to appear before things go in a different direction, whatever it may be.

So no, I don't have an answer. I can say what helps me out, personally, when trying to remember why I want to go through the work of leaving a comment:

I write. I know from the other side what comments feel like. I remind myself of the excitement of seeing a notification pop up. (Obviously if you don't write, this doesn't help that much lol.)

Whatever I fear them judging me for, I can almost guarantee someone else has already judged me for something much worse. I mean, come on. I know the sort of things I write or rec.

I've done it enough I have a template in my head of how to write a comment. There are a few resources for that floating around that are good for getting started. Practice makes perfect.

Applying techniques from therapy. I'm not great at it, or have really internalized it, but at least aware that my fears are being egged on by anxiety, by past bad experiences, by the special hell of rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Easier said than done, especially on certain days, but just... running out of fucks to give. Like, oh my god self, so what if some author thinks I was too enthusiastic about their fic? What does it matter? They're just another random person on the internet, what are they going to do? Laugh at me? Then they're the one being a jackass, AND they don't get any more comments. Whatever.

And on that last one, if it's feeling impossible, like it'll never happen... holy shit this is going to sound condescending, but give it some time. Me from 10 years ago would have laughed at the idea of not caring what someone else thought. At some point, without me really noticing, I just could not care what some rando on the internet thought. It wasn't an active 'no I'm not going to care', it was 'wow I cannot find the energy to give a shit about you'. (But I can still find it to be mad when someone is Wrong on the Internet, so.)

I bring that up because every time I find out someone's age lately, I'm like, Jesus Christ. I forget how young fandom - esp tumblr - skews. Cause of course, I'm still young! It's not like I'm old, it's just that everyone is... younger... than... me. Wait. But for real, being in your late teens SUCKS. (Maybe you're lucky and they don't, but I doubt.) Being in your early 20's somehow sucks even more??? Being in your 20's period sucks. You couldn't pay me to be 20-anything again.

(Thinking of all the fandom people on here 20, 30 years older than me being like lol, you're still so freaking young :D )

Every comment I get these days I hoard like a dragon, and anytime I'm feeling crappy about writing or about some new thing being a bomb, I pull those suckers out and reread them for ages. I've got a whole doc just of tumblr comments, cause there's no other good way to find them again. if I'm really desperate, I go poke to see if there's any new bookmarks on my fic, in case they dropped a tag or put in a collection of favs or left a note of some sort (ya'll know authors can see those right?).

And I'd say I'm a pretty confident writer. I know I write a lot of niche stuff in tiny fandoms, so comparatively, I probably get a lot of comments. I have a moderately high opinion of my writing skills, so I'm mostly not sitting there going 'oh god I'm the worst writer ever', whereas I know that's the case for a LOT of fic writers. I'm mostly just sitting there like 'why didn't it hit the spot? why won't anyone say anything? I am so desperate to talk shop please anyone give me an excuse!!'.

So just... yeah. Throw an emoji at me. Throw a gif at me. Throw a novel that takes six comment boxes at me. Throw the exact same comment at fifteen different chapters/fics. I love it all.

(And hey. If you just lurk and read, it's okay. I get it. I still love you too.)

[mo-mo-and-porkchop]

Umbrella academy fiction

Chapter 1

Canon and OC; Deigo x OC, Klaus x OC platonic

*as always I do not own any part of the canon characters or show. I am merely writing my own adaptation to the storyline. Nor do I own any gifs/gif credit.

**I do own all things related to the OCs and additional story elements. And apologies, I couldn't find any "young" gifs of them, but they are all meant to be young adults to show age in this fic.

Tagging: @imcrowley , @wicked-bitch-of-the-west

On a typical sunny day in 1989 a girl was born under extraordinary circumstances - her mother beginning the day not pregnant and ending it with a newborn girl. Reginald Hargreaves was unable to purchase their gift from God, but as fate would have she would still become linked to the obsessive billionaire through Klaus, his disappointing Number Four.

One fateful night in her bar thrust the two into each other's life and they soon became close friends, their tragic pasts a common denominator. Emily tried to aid her friend and his family in thwarting the apocalypse, but her life ultimately lost when the shit inevitably hit the fan.

This is not that story.

Our story takes place five years after the Hargreaves family jumped back in time after unsuccessfully saving the world; bringing with them all the knowledge gained from their first chance at life.

-----

"I'm telling you Diego. We can do this," Klaus said pleadingly to his brother. "She said if she had only gotten out a few years earlier, she would have had a better chance at life. We can give her that chance."

Diego stopped just outside his room. He eyed Klaus as he begged for him to agree.

"Please Diego. She is...was my friend," he corrected himself. This time travel thing was hard to get used to. "I owe it to her to at least try."

It was true that Emily had been as good a friend as someone could to Klaus back then. He'd beena raging drug addict who brought nothing but chaos. There weren't many people who could handle something like that. She'd been one of the few; even managing to get him into rehab a few times.

Not that it had mattered. Klaus had a standing bed there back then and the staff a running pool on how short his next break would last.

But it had been obvious she at least cared for him. And that was more than Diego could say for himself. Klaus was his brother and he had given two shits at the time if he lived or died.

"Fine," he finally agreed.

"Yes!" Klaus said quietly, but triumphantly.

With his second time around, he wanted to get it right. Make amends for his previous infractions.

Starting with this.

"But we do this my way. You got it," he said definitively, getting close enough to stop Klaus' little victory dance. He wanted to make sure his brother understood just how serious he was.

"Got it," Klaus said with a mock salute. "If I remember correctly, right around now would be the 'Halloween lockdowns' as Em liked to call it," Klaus said with a small smirk Diego's way.

His brother looked at him confused "Lockdowns? Where is she? A prison?"

Oh, that's right. He doesn't know.

It had taken Klaus awhile to pull what nuggets she had revealed of her past. He knew, without a doubt, Diego hadn't gotten shit out of her. The few times they'd met his brother was partial to being an asshole to anyone who even remotely took Klaus' side and she had been no different.

"She's at a religious boarding school," Klaus explained quickly. "A real scared straight kinda one. From what she told me though, the night before Halloween the nuns do one final sweep of the grounds, leaving the front door unlocked."

"Pfft. Morons," Diego huffed, the fact that he was speaking of godly women lost to him completely. "So it's a dash and grab. Easy."

"Yeeaa...about that," Klaus began tentatively. Diego had only just agreed to spring Emily from Hell.

"What?" Diego asked lowly. He knew he shouldn't have gotten his hope up so easily. Nothing was ever so cut and dry with Klaus.

"She's also, sort of, kinda in her own lockdown. We may need Five to help us too," he added reluctantly. "Which is fine," he quickly continued, keeping Diego from immediately changing his mind. "Ever since we got back Five has really been a team player. I'm sure if our little heist idea came from you he'd be on board. A hundred percent."

Diego couldn't take this shit with Klaus a second go 'round. He wanted to break Emily out of school? Fine. He needed Diego's help? Also, peachy fuckinf keen. But if he insisted on keeping secrets along the way then Diego would walk his happy ass on out the door and Klaus could go fuck himself.

He grabbed hold of his brother, who flinched more from shock than fear, and drug him into his room, away from listening ears. He tossed his brother onto his bed as gently as he could. Klaus watched as he pulled his desk chair over, sitting on it backward and leaning against it.

"Before I ask Five anything you are gonna spill your guts and give me all the Intel you have on Emily. Otherwise, I'm out and you're on your own."

Klaus groaned with Diego's ultimatum. "Fine," he grumbled. "I'll tell you everything. But you have to swear you'll get Five to help no matter what," he countered holding up his pinky.

"What are you, six?"

"Nothing is more binding than a pinky swear," Klaus said, wiggling his fingers enticingly.

"You never quit do you?"

"Nope," Klaus said with a satisfied grin.

"Jesus Christ." Diego sighed with a roll of his eyes, but nevertheless he linked pinkies with his brother.

"No matter what," Klaus reiterated.

"No matter what," Diego reluctantly agreed before immediately letting go of him.

"Good," Klaus said clapping his hands together and rubbing them conspiratorially. "Now. What do I know about Emily?" he asked himself, feigning an attempt to really dig deep into his thoughts. "Em, Em, Em."

"I'm losing my patience Klaus."

"Alright, fine," Klaus said with an exasperated sigh. Nothing much had changed with Diego this time around - he was still far too serious for his own good. "I know she was one of the few dad couldn't buy, obviously. I deduced that one myself," he admitted proudly.

Diego rolled his eyes and sighed. Even without drugs Klaus' mind still ran a million miles a minute. "Focus," he said keeping his brother on track.

"Right," he replied forcing himself back to their present storytelling session. "She was unbuyable. Her parents were religious and pure," he said mockingly, throwing up the the scouting sign of three fingers. "When Em didn't fit it to their perfect life, they shipped her off and forgot about her. To St. Christopher's School for the Misguided to be exact."

"You mean that old school convent on the outskirts of the city?"

"That's the one," Klaus said in agreement. "She's been there..." he checked his wrist as if a watch sat upon it. "Twelve years now," he added looking back to Diego.

"Twelve years?! What the Hell Klaus?? I thought she was just sent there."

"Yea. When she was six," Klaus said with a snort. "That was after all the exercisims failed," he added nonchalantly.

"Exorcisms!?" Diego was beginning to regret his decision to help. "Look. I don't know what kind of "school" you're taking me to, but how do we know Emily even wants to break out?" he asked in a half-hearted attempt to back out.

"Because she makes it out on her own after another three years anyway. But she always said if she'd got out just a few years earlier she'd have gone farther in life. Between you and me, I thought she turned out just fine the way she was," he added leaning in conspiratorially.

"I don't know about that. She was friends with you."

"Hey! Unfair!" Klaus said feigning offense. "Trust me," he continued, shrugging off the insult. "Once Five is on board, everything will be fine," he said reassuringly, but with little affect. "Then it really will be a dash and grab. Five will just do his little time warp thingie and..." He sucked air through his teeth and gestured for in-and-out. "We'll have Em out and free as a bird in no time," he added with a sigh and a smile.

Diego stared at him, only reacting when his wide grin faded. His mind had already been made up, but it was sti fun to see him sweat. He promptly grabbed him up and pulled toward the hallway - and all the way to Five's room.

------

"Klaus has something he wants to ask you," he said pushing past their brother when he answered the door.

"And what might that be?" he asked, confusion evident on his face as he shut the door behind them.

Once through the threshold doego released his grip on Klaus and took solace off in the corner, waiting to see how well he did with Five. Their brother would be a much tougher sell. He'd never even met Emily.

"Well," Klaus began with a nervous laugh, glancing back to Diego hoping to get some backup. His brother simply urged him on. Klaus sighed and his entire being deflated with his refusal.

"Klaus, what the hell is going on? I don't have time for another one of your ridiculous pranks," Five complained impatiently.

"I need your help rescuing a friend," he admitted freely, turning back to Five.

Five laughed freely at his request. "No," he said letting his facial expressions fall flat. "The last time I tried to help you I ended up having to warp out of police custody."

"But you did get out," Klaus cut in trying to avoid a retelling of their most recent mishap.

"And I had to be the one to explain it all to dad. Alone," he added with rising anger.

Klaus grimaced. "Yea. Sorry about that. I wish I could have been there, really, but something important came up. Real now-or-never type stuff."

"What? Like avoiding the inevitable end of the world? Because last I remember we've already fixed that problem and I can't think of anything more "now-or-never"," he threw back at him.

He knew Five was right. "I guess when you put it like that, I could have made it," he admitted almost sheepishly.

Five merely scowled at his admission.

"But this is different," he added quickly, pushing past Five when he went to kick them out of his room. Klaus shut the door and leaned on it for added security he would finish hearing him out.

"How so?"

Klaus' smile returned. His interest was piqued. "Because we...are gonna..."

Diego rolled his eyes. His sales pitch was quickly dying. "Because you're gonna have me," he stepping forward.

"Not that I don't doubt yoir abilities, but how does that any different? Other than your presence of course."

Their brother's smile widened. "Yes!" he exclaimed before Diego could answer, outstreching his arms toward him and crossing to be by his side. "Because Diego here is an extra set of eyes and ears," he added, cradling his shoulders and endearingly placing his hand on his chest.

Diego glared at Klaus. "Because I will make sure Klaus doesn't screw anything up this time," he answerd shaking himself free.

Five remained silent, considering Klaus 'mission'. He had become anxious lately to do more than just train and follow daddy's orders - even if it was what they all agreed to before their jump back. Not that he would ever admit that to Klaus, but he supposed it could be worth it of Diego was on board.

Klaus stated expectantly and his brother who eyed the two of them. "Say I help you. What is your grand plan to save...who exactly?"

Klaus smiled widely at Diego, ecstatic that things might actually go his way for once.

"Emily," Diego answered, ignoring Klaus.

"Emily?" Five asked surprised with a slight laugh. "You mean the bartender psychic?"

"Telepathic," Klaus corrected him. "But yes. Her. So will you help me? Please?"

Diego rolled his eyes at the duo. "Just say yes already. I can't take much more of this," he added exasperated, dropping down onto the chair at Five's desk.

"Alright fine," he finally agreed.

Klaus began to shower his brother with thabks. He sure hadn't been as appreciative of Diego's allegiance. He huffed to hide his offense. "Klaus!" He pointed at his wrist when he had his brother's attention.

"Oh right. So. Now that I have the best two brothers on board..."

"Klaus," Diego warned.

"Alright, alright. Stop getting your panties in a bunch."

Diego jumped up ready to strangle him.

"Hey! Calm down!" Five intervened. "Don't make me regret helping you," he scolded his brothers. "Now," he continued once the two had parted ways. "When and how are we supposed to save Emily? And from what?"

"I'm glad you asked," Klaus responded slyly before repeating the plan to Five

------

"There it is," Klaus whispered to his brothers, pointing out their entry point.

They crouched hidden among the bushes just outside the point of no return. A nun came out of the front door, followed by two others, and just as Klas said left the door open. Diego huffed quietly to himself and rolled his eyes. Klaus smiled widely.

"Okay," Five said shifting his jacket and bit and readying to jump. "Where is her room?" he asked staring at the building.

It was your typical, old-school convent turned boarding opp. The layout would be easy to figure out.

Klaus shut his eyes and mimicked going over a map with his fingers. "It should be, if memory serves me right, last one on the left, second floor," he said opening his eyes and looking toward the building too. "She always said one of the only good things she remembered about this place were the sunsets," he said quietly to himself with a sad sigh. "West side," he added.

And just like that Five was gone.

-----

He reappeared with a small pop in a girl's room. She was sound asleep, her back to where Five now stood. He crept to her bed and gently tried waking her.

"Emily," he whispered. "Emily wake up."

The girl began to stir, turning toward him. The sight of a boy by her bed had to be a dream. She rubbed her eyes and yawned, sitting up to wake up further. The realization that he was real hit her. Her eyes grew wide in terror and she screamed.

Five quickly covered her mouth. "Emily, please."

She quieted her screams realizing who he was and the fear in her eyes grew to confusion. She mumbled something into his hand.

"What?" he whispered, uncovering her mouth.

"I'm not Emily," she managed to stammer out quietly.

[maehem-1]

One thing that really frustrates me is that, due to the personality I've cultivated with my irl friends, it's really hard for me to be serious or ever really get them to be supportive when I need it. The only times I really get serious is when someone *else* needs support. I'm the team therapist, it feels like. People trust me with their problems, but I find it hard to do the same. Like, I was talking about some people I'd lost in the pandemic and when I was finished they had the same energy as if I told a joke that didn't land. Not the same sort of response that anyone else would have gotten.

Even when I do get a serious, somewhat supportive response, it feels lackluster. I text some variant of "hey, can I vent," and maybe get a response in 2-3 hours. After I've already:

a) stewed for an unhealthy and/or dangerous amount of time,

or

b) handled myself already

It's frustrating. I already have a hard time trusting people with this kind of stuff, which, mind you, they don't have a problem laying on me. And when I do get a response it feels lackluster. Basically it amounts to "damn that sucks, I hope you feel better" between various pauses of waiting for them to respond.

Like, when I talk to someone in this sort of scenario, there's a sort of process. You gotta validate their feelings. Ask questions. Avoid making it about yourself, but try to relate to their problems if you can. Ask if they're looking for advice. If yes: give the best advice you can. Ye gods anything but just saying "I'm sorry :(" repeatedly. Like, I really try to avoid holding people to my personal standards but please, I'd appreciate a little bit of, if you've nothing else to offer, some gods damned variety. And Jesus Christ, don't try to change the subject unprompted, JULIAN. I know you want to talk about yourself, we can all tell.

Like, I can understand not really knowing how to deal with this stuff, and since I do people gravitate towards my help, but c'mon. How do you think I got here? If someone you care about is looking to you for support you don't know how to give, YOU FIND OUT HOW TO GIVE IT! I DID IT FOR ALL OF YOU! WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND?

Like, my shit isn't even as heavy as some shit I put up with. Just like, some (watered down for consumption) dysphoria, a sprinkling of religious trauma (the conversation wasn't even really about the trauma) and that one time with the pandemic losses. Those are the things I've tried to vent about, a combined 5-7 times in all my years of knowing the lot of em. Never twice in a row to the same person, months apart, while making sure to maintain friendly, polite conversations in the meantime so I'm not a burden. I get bombarded with much heavier shit much more frequently and I'm expected to grin and bear it. I won't air out *what* heavier shit, patient-doctor confidentiality n all. It all feels a little... Idek. Disproportionate.

I've mentioned how hard it is for me to open up about, well, anything. I wish they'd reciprocate a fraction of the amount of effort it takes me to actually put any of it on display, not to mention the amount of effort I put into providing the same service. I only do any of it because I know it will make me feel better in the long run, to open up. It should make me feel better. It's so frustrating that it's almost not worth the effort.

That's how it feels. Like I'm providing a service. Combination Entertainer/Therapist/Get-together Co-planner. Also makes Julienne Fries. Despite it all, nothing would change if I wasn't there. I'm nonessential to the dynamic, it feels like. An add-on. The only thing I really provide that's unique is a vent source, but to the overall group on the surface level I'm superfluous. It's like how, in a medieval town, for example, people would publicly shun the witch, but would make use of her services when they were desperate.

I feel isolated. I'm the only amab in our group, and I'm from a completely different background due to other circumstances. It feels like there's barely any common ground outside of "queers in a hostile environment".

They know I'm transfem, they respect me, but I definitely feel like me being amab, our only amab, has something to do with it, even though it's probably subconscious. I should be the rock, the wall, sturdy, stoic, whatever whatever so on so forth etc. That's what I tell myself, usually, so I have no doubt they believe the same on some level. But like, I want a shoulder to cry on too. I get overwhelmed so much lately. I recently learned about emotional burnout in my own personality type (Myers Briggs is quite outdated, I take it with a whole spoonful of salt) but the symptoms I read were 1 to 1 what I experience. I don't want to be the strong one anymore.

It's just. So frustrating. This is the only place I can use to get this off my chest, sorry.

[fatpingu]

My Secret Guardian

Chapter one - The band T-shirt

Warning: Explicit language, depression and anxiety 

"Are you okay?"

Those words didn't mean anything anymore. They all lied to me. They asked me the same question every day, but they didn't care about my answer anymore. It's okay tho. I lied too with a simple "yes."

I had felt wretched for several years, and I guess my coworkers had noticed it. Nobody tried to actually find out what was wrong with me. They only asked if I was okay, and then patted themselves on the back for being a good samaritan. I didn't blame them for not caring, I probably wouldn't have either. All I did was sit at my desk looking like I was tired of living. Which i was. I did the same thing every day. I woke up at 6 am, got to work at 7:30 am, ate lunch at 12:45 pm, got home at 5 pm, ate dinner at 6:30 pm and went to bed at 9 pm. And to spice things up, I sometimes had mental breakdowns incorporated into my routine.

About two years ago, I had my first panic attack and I couldn't stop crying. I was at a conference and stood in line for lunch. Suddenly I felt everybody staring at me. I was really insecure about my body and feeling all those eyes on me while I was getting food. No thank you. I could feel them judging me with their eyes. Judging how much food was on my plate. I hurried out of the room and went to the hall. Then it started.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I couldn't stop shaking or crying. My body got all heavy and it felt like I was going to die. Since that day, my mood has been severely decreased.

Nobody helped me back then either. Except for one guy. I vaguely remembered him, but I knew he helped me.

I had trouble standing and was kind of stumbling around. He guided me over to a chair so I could sit down. I didn't really look at his face. I just stared at his hands in mine while he talked to me. I know he tried to help, but I didn't really listen to anything he said.

I did however notice a tattoo on his left hand. A very small one. I couldn't really see what it was. It was probably pretty old and faded. For some strange reason, that tattoo helped me with my breathing. I stopped thinking about my panic and started to focus on what in the world that tattoo was supposed to look like. But before I could look properly at the guy, he was called into a meeting.

I left the conference after that. There was no way in hell that I would've willingly walked back to all those people, while my eyes were red and my cheeks stained from my makeup.

"Have you heard about Sarah?" I overheard my coworker ask another. She probably didn't know I was in one of the bathroom stalls.

Sarah was my boss who had been sick on and off for the last 6 months. We had an... Okay relationship. She was the only person I liked at my job and I was one of the few she didn't hate.

"They fired her."

I could feel my heart clench. My hope for Sarah to come back to work was the only thing that kept me there. I hated my job when Sarah wasn't there. She was the only one who actually generally cared when she asked me if I was okay. I would still lie and say yes, but her concern made me.. Kind of happy.

My coworkers left the bathroom while still talking about Sarah. I didn't feel like leaving the stall yet. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Throughout the 5 years I had worked at the firm, I had gone through multiple bosses. Sarah was my second boss, but got transferred to another city. Two years later, she came back and became my boss again.

That's it! I thought to myself. If Sarah isn't coming back, I'm quitting. I was sick and tired of that shitty job and being around those fake people.

I wiped my tears away and walked out of the stall. This was the time. I was going back to my desk and I was going to write my notice.

I walked out of the bathroom and headed straight to my desk, not noticing that someone was talking to me. A hand grabbed my shoulder and I froze. That grab had scared the living shit out of me, but I tried not to show it.

"Uhm.. excuse me? I didn't mean to scare you, but do you know where Sarah Holland's office is?" a deep voice asked me.

I turned around to see a man dressed in some denim jeans, a purple band T-shirt and holding a backpack in front of him. He definitely didn't know the dress code.

"She isn't here right now. She is on sick leave," I told him while still looking at his clothes. If he was trying to get a job here, he definitely chose the wrong outfit.

"Oh i know.." He mumbled quietly. "I'm her substitute." I stopped scanning him for a second and looked at his face for the first time since we started the conversation. He was older than I expected. He had an awkward smile on his face, but it was very welcoming. He also had the darkest eyes I had ever seen in my entire life.

"I'm Alexander by the way," he said and fumbled to get one of his hands away from his backpack without dropping it. I reached for his hand and shook it.

"Her office is over at the left door," I told him and pointed to Sarah's office. He thanked me and walked to the direction I had given him.

You know.. Those jeans do look good on him I thought to myself while my eyes scanned the backside of him. It's a damn shame that attire isn't suited here.

The next day came around and as always my shift started at 7:30 am.

I walked over to my desk, sat down and turned on my computer. The laptops at this firm always took forever to start up. While I was staring at my computer, waiting for it to accept my login, I heard some loud noises coming from Sarah's office.

I went over to the door and placed my ear near it so I could hear what was going on. I had only been standing there for about 10 seconds before the door flung up, making me jump back in shock.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to snoop around! I just heard-" I stopped myself from further embarrassment.

"Oh it's okay! You probably heard me dropping my laptop," Alexander answered, probably as embarrassed as myself. I stretched my neck to the side to look into the office. As I saw the broken laptop on the floor I could confirm that it was indeed that that had made the noise. Jesus Christ I thought to myself as I looked back at him with eyes wide open. I could tell that it was an expensive laptop.

"First real day at the job and I've already broken the inventory," he nervously laughed.

There was no need to make things worse, so I offered him mine. My job position didn't really need a laptop, it just made it a hell of a lot easier. He accepted the offer, took my laptop and went back into Sarah's office.

I sat back down at my desk and started to write customer orders down by hand. It took me about 30 minutes to write down 11 orders.

Why did I lend him my computer? This fucking sucks! I thought to myself as I scribbled down another order.

My hand started to cramp from writing nonstop. I wasn't really used to using a pen instead of a keyboard. Hopefully the people who were going to read this could translate that scrawl.

Lunchtime rolled around, and I had managed to write down half of the day's order and give myself arthritis.

I walked into the lunchroom, grabbed my oatmeal and sat down at the empty table. I had been so tired the day before that I didn't really feel like making a proper lunch.

"What a healthy lunch!" a deep voice suddenly exclaimed. I looked up from my food and saw Alexander standing at the other side of the table, holding a store bought sandwich.

"Do you mind if i sit here?" Words I haven't heard in a long time. No one ever wanted to sit and have lunch with me. To be fair, I wasn't really that fun to have lunch with. Other than the fact that I hated my coworkers, I didn't really have a lot in common with them to hold a proper conversation.

"Go ahead" I almost whispered. There was a good solid 10 minutes where neither of us were talking. He was probably just as awkward as me.

"Thank you for letting me borrow your laptop. That was really nice of you," he smiled as he took a bite of his sandwich.

"No problem," I quietly nodded. It was clear that neither of us was used to small talk.

The majority of my colleagues had left the room. Probably to go out to smoke or to pee. The ones that were left had their own quiet conversation by themselves.

My mind started to wander as I discreetly tried to look at Alexander without him noticing. He definitely wasn't my age. I shot him to be around 15 years older than me. He had brown curly hair that clearly didn't want to cooperate. His beard was hardly a beard. It was very patchy. My eyes trailed down to his shirt. A band T-shirt yet again, but not the same as the one from the day before. He must have noticed my confused eyes, because he suddenly stopped eating and looked down.

"Do you like my shirt?" He smiled, looking very proud of himself. My eyes glanced up to meet his. To be honest, I did. It was a yellow AC/DC shirt with a canon on it. Above the canon there was written "For those about to rock." I couldn't help but to crack a smile. His smile was so contagious.

"Yeah it's pretty cool," i smirked, letting my guard down. But it came up again pretty quickly. "But just so you know, that type of clothes isn't very professional and if you want to work here, you have to put some effort into your outfit!" I hissed.

His smile faded a bit and he looked down at his food again. It wasn't the first time i had snapped at one of my coworkers, but it was the first time i felt bad afterwards.

I looked regretful down at the table, wanting to be anywhere else but there. He started to fumble with his sandwich and my eyes followed his hands.

He had strong hands and what looked like a birthmark on the left. He had his nails painted black. Well.. the majority of the nail polish was chipped. It wasn't really a bad look in my opinion. I liked it when men didn't care about gender norms and did what they wanted to. Lucky for him, the company dress code didn't say anything about nail polish, so he could continue to wear it. He just needed it freshened up.

There was such a thick awkward silence in the lunchroom, that you could practically hear the lightbulbs.

The rest of my colleagues had left, and it was only me and Alexander that was still sitting in the room.

Why was I such an asshole to him? He had been nothing but nice to me. I wanted to apologize so bad, but I was too used to self sabotaging, that all I could do was stay quiet.

Alexander finished his sandwich. God he was a slow eater. "I don't really have anything nicer to wear," he almost mumbled. I looked up at him, trying my hardest to stop frowning.

"How come? Aren't you like 40?" Those words sounded so much meaner than I anticipated, but they had already left my lips before I noticed. He smiled at me, clearly without taking any offense to my words.

"Ah yes.. A man of my age should be able to doll oneself up," he joked. I couldn't help but to laugh. It was just so unexpected since I basically mocked his age.

His smile widened and he seemed generally happy by my response. "But in all seriousness, I haven't really been needing a suit. That's why I don't have one," he smirked. "And yes, I'm 42 years old, but I don't look older than 68." I rolled my eyes at him. That was just such a dad joke.

And speaking of dad, I wondered if he was one. To be fair, he had the age for it. Before my mind drove completely off, my phone buzzed, indicating that my lunch break was over.

When I came back to my desk, I had gained some movement back in my wrist, but each time I tried to write something, the pen felt fifty times heavier.

It didn't really help that I couldn't concentrate either. Did Alexander hate me now? It actually felt like he wanted to be friends and I was just being such a cunt to him. Would it have killed me to complement his shirt? I really liked it and it would have cost me nothing to just say that when he asked. And why did I even care about his outfit? He could do what he wanted, I wasn't his boss. On the contrary, he was mine. Well for now at least. I had already sent my notice to the headquarters, so i would be gone in two weeks anyways. Why did I even care if he hated me or not? I knew my other coworkers didn't like me, and I didn't care. But why do I care now?

"Hey! How is it going with the orders?" a baritone voice almost yelled, making me jump in my chair.

"Jesus Christ! You don't have to give me a heart attack!" I barked, looking up to see Alexander. He was smiling at me, even though I had yelled at him for what felt like the 100th time that day. He looked down at my paper to see what probably looked like hieroglyphs. He narrowed his brows and looked back at me.

"Are you okay?" he asked. My heart sank a little. I could feel the concern in his voice, even though he was only asking because of my horrendous handwriting.

I took a breath, trying hard not to be an asshole again or to lie for that matter.

"No. My wrist hurts like hell," I answered while shaking my head.

"Why didn't you just tell me? I'll go get your laptop!" He walked away so quickly, that I didn't get to say anything else.

Stop being so fucking nice to me, i thought to myself. In what felt like a split second, he had returned with my laptop.

"You idiot, now you won't have anything to use," I sighed.

"I don't want you to hurt," he said calmly.

Well that's too fucking late.

"I already ordered a new one that will be here tomorrow, so it doesn't matter if i miss 3 hours of work. I can catch up with it tomorrow."

I stared at the laptop, then back at him, then back at the laptop. I hated that he was being so nice to me.

"Well.. I better get to work then," I said as I started typing on the keyboard. He didn't leave my desk. I could almost feel his eyes burn into the side of my face.

Was he waiting for a thank you? It was my computer that he gave back to me. I didn't need to thank him. Did I?

My head turned and I looked up at him. My eyes meet his. Those eyes were like black holes. They were so dark, that you couldn't distinguish the pupils from the iris, and they sucked you in like real black holes.

He smiled at me and started to walk towards his office. "Call if you need me," he shouted as he closed the office door.

Fuck my life. I could feel my coworkers looking at me. I hated unwanted attention more than anything. Why the hell did he need to shout? The traffic warden down the street probably heard him.

I looked around the room to catch the people who were daring enough to stare at me. It didn't seem like it, but I knew some of them had definitely gawked in my direction. I hated it so much.

It was so anxiety inducing. My hands began to shake and I could feel the cold sweat starting to form. It was the event at the conference all over again.

Before my thoughts had a chance at eating me up from the inside, a sound came from my computer. It was an email.

That dumbass forgot to turn off the sound after he borrowed it. It was so freaking loud, that it almost scared me.

I tried to calm myself with some deep breaths, before opening the email. It was a link to a YouTube clip from Alexander.

He gave me back my laptop so he could sit and watch YouTube on his phone? What a boss indeed.

I kind of didn't want to watch it, but I was also really curious. I put on my headphones and started the video. It was an old video of Paul Hunt doing gymnastics while dressed as a little girl.

It was probably one of the funniest things I had ever seen. It was so hard, trying not to laugh out loud. It was almost like he knew I needed a distraction from what was going on.

I looked behind me at the door to his office. Closed. It must have been a coincidence then.

5 pm rolled around, and it was time to head back home.

After I got my laptop back, the customer orders almost wrote themselves.

My colleagues had already left the building, but I was a little bit behind schedule, so I stayed a little longer. I kind of enjoyed the silence.

I could work in peace without the usual distractions. There was always the casual gossiping, the sound of long nails clacking on a keyboard or my personal favorite, the fake ass laugh when someone tried to convince a future customer over the phone. God I hated that job.

"Are you ready to go home for the day?" I looked behind me in surprise. I had been 100% sure that I was the last one left. I guess not. A thing that I had noticed about Alexander, was that he was really good at sneaking up on me.

"Yeah, but why are you still here?" I asked curiously while packing up my stuff.

"I wanted to make sure you got to your car safe," he replied.

My car was literally parked 30 feet away from the entrance, so there was no need to worry about my safety. Sure, there had been times where my tires had been slashed and i had to call a cab, but that was probably just some teenagers thinking it was funny.

I turned off the lights and walked out of the building with Alexander right behind me.

"You don't need to walk me to my car. I'm not a child," i insisted. He looked over at my car and giggled. "Well tough luck, 'cus it's parked right beside mine."

We walked over to our cars, but he didn't get into his before I started to pull out of the booth.

What was he so worried about? And why did he even care? He is so fucking weird, I thought to myself as i drove home.

I picked up a pizza on the way home. After destroying my wrist for five hours, pizza was definitely the thing I needed.

The rest of the evening was spent on devouring a whole pizza, half a bottle of wine and some stale cookies. I had only eaten two portions of oatmeal the entire day, so it was safe to say that I was indeed starving. The wine was just a bonus.

After i was done eating i looked through YouTube to find something to fall asleep to. It had become this weird habit. Such a big habit even, that I literally couldn't fall asleep unless there was some background noise.

I looked at the recommended selection and found the perfect one. Another Paul Hunt video.

Damn, even at home he's still  helping me, I chuckled for myself. I pressed play and snuggled up under my blanket.

"Paulette Huntanova is back. Dazzled the crowd at two previous.."

Chapter two