#but ive tried to deal with how i feel guilty and unloved when i dont get enough attention

[marsixm]

im not totally getting off all social media im just trying not to be on my phone, like even doing most of these things on my ipad doesnt seem to be as bad of a distraction. what im trying right now to internalize is the fact that the pervasive sadness and feeling insecure wont go away, but hopefully the compulsion to deal with it thru posting and the all consuming nature of it will be easier and easier to deal with until theyre background radiation i can just ignore

[tylercamebackyes]

hi!! i wanted to make a post reminding everyone that belittling and getting angry at suicidal people makes them feel unloved and guilty, not motivated to seek out help.

in 7th grade, a friend told me that if i died she wouldn't have a reason to live. That if i died, she would kill herself. it did stop me from doing it but it also made me withdraw because i still wanted to die. i just didnt wanna make anyone feel bad. her life was in my hands and it just made me wanna stop living more. we arent friends anymore.

then, i had another friend who hardly ever spoke to me about it. we had been friends for 9 years at that point and both of our older sisters had tried to commit while we were home. she hadn't told me about it until years later, explaining that coming over to my house right after was all she needed from me and my family. when i started self harming she offered whatever alternatives she could give without thinking about it too hard. she never told me a reason not to do it. she never got mad. we arent friends anymore.

i listened to chamber by amber run and one of the lines is, "Its the smell of your bestfriend and the time it takes to know for sure if your heart can break." i thought of her. she never told me that killing myself would put her at risk. but i thought of her and it anchored me until i consciously found a reason to live every day. she never knew. i never told anyone until the memories resurfaced because ive started recovering from that time in my life.

please, please try and not get angry when your friends arent happy. its not your fault, and when they do eventually recover they'll likely feel very defensive over their own feelings of depression. i still am. remind them in small ways that you love them and please dont discuss your own suicidal thoughts with a suicidal person. you should always reach out to a stable adult.

and when you do get better (you will. give it time, and it will get better.) remember that the friends you lost to your own struggles don't hate you for feleing like you did. you are sick and you need real help. once you get it, everyone thats ever loved you will be so relieved that they didn't lose you.

please reach out to someone if you feel suicidal or are thinking about hurting yourself. one day you'll know how to deal with your feelings but you'll never get there if you dont get through today. one day turns into a lifetime that you'll be grateful to be around for.

[crystal-cloudy]

A bunch of shit you never asked for

My mind was going at a mile a minute last night for hours and has been ever since before then and hasn’t stopped except for occasional deep sleep naps. So I feel the need to write down half the things that I was thinking because I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking to these days and unless I write down my thoughts I’m never going to sleep again, which makes my depression worse and then I just cut again and again and I ain’t in the mood for that shit.

So here’s a bunch of shit you never asked for*

*Note, I really want to buy a notebook to write all my thoughts in, so I don’t have to deal with computer battery and crap, but I haven’t found The One yet. I don’t know why but notebooks and sketchbooks have personalities to me, which is why I don’t write these things in the sketchbooks I already have. That’s not for them.

My dream location is to go to Prague. God I love the idea of going to Prague. i’ve travelled a lot in my relatively short life thanks to my dad constantly having to travel in order for work and said work expenses being paid so he can actually do shit, but ive never gone where ive wanted to go. I want to see the looming gothic structures of Prague, i want to see what became of bohemia after fascism, i want to see it all. i want to read gormenghast too, i really want to read that.

i think i came up with the reason why no matter what im always lonely. im a secondary friend for just about everyone i know. it’s at a point where they will talk to me for days and hours and ill learn so much about them and feel like they care about me without my having said anything and then they go away to a new favorite for at least a month, and i am secondary. i am there to talk about the primary and nothing more. and every now and then they remember that i exist and i have mental illness and i am in pain and alone and have never had anyone really there, and they try to come back and be my friend but we both dont know how, and in the time that theyve been gone ive tried to teach myself to hate them. i can’t be their friend after ive tried to hate them in order to remember that i never told them anything of importance and we never really were friends.

everyone else in my life is somewhere ahead of me. i dont mean in the stereotypical path of life, i mean in what i want. i want so badly to find love and to not be alone and to experience freedom but i never will and my friends already have it. they’re not exactly able to relate to me without me feeling dead inside. because they have signification others, or are okay without significant others, or know that they are attractive to people so that even if there’s no one good enough there yet, they know they’ll find someone. I’m so far behind and I feel constantly dejected and condescended to. People will talk to each other and they’ll say things like “so i know you’ll understand because you have a boyfriend...” and they’ll talk to me about how in love they are and ask me for romance advice and i just want to die right there because im so alone and unloved and i never will find that kind of relationship.

And it’s impossible to think anyone ever will find me attractive. I work so hard to lose weight and be healthy, and I think i’m getting somewhere and then i find out i’ve gained back half the weight i lost and i just want to hide myself forever and die and never show my face to the light of day. im so ugly, and my body is covered in scars and stretch marks and i’m still too fat for the amount of exercise i do and my age, and there’s nothing i can do without drastic change or eating things that make me throw up (no not laxatives. food that is considered healthy for whatever reason has made me gag and throw up since i was a little girl). and i just hate it so much because i work so hard to be healthy and lose weight and nothing really matters and i’ll never reach my goals. and we had to present a lab to the class in anatomy and i was one of the subjects and ive never felt more disgusted with myself and the teacher asked why we didnt use BMI for our experiment (she meant it innocently though) and it felt like a knife sinking into my chest, i felt so singled out for being so huge. I hate being so tall and so fat. If you’re short and fat, it evens out and you can be cute. if you’re tall and fat, then you’re this awful creature that takes up space and is barely human and is considered some kind of neanderthalic idiot. most of my friends think im proud of being tall because i constantly joke about it, but i really hate it. i wish i was small and compact and didnt stretch off the end of the bed or be too big for some blankets to cover. 

and colleges are starting to respond again and i dont want to hear back from them. people keep congratulating me that 5 colleges have accepted me and while i know that’s better than some, my top colleges have an acceptance rate that’s almsot 40% lower than the colleges that accepted me and i need money.

and my mom keeps stressing me out because she talks to me about our financial problems (and refuses my offers of help) and trying to plan out things for next year when my dad has to be in singapore for 6 months, some of which is while my sister and i will be in college, and they cant do anything until they know what im doing, but i cant know what im doing until ive heard back from all my colleges, and shes acting as though it’s my fault that i probably wont get accepted to those schools, while my dad is still denying the fact that it was almost impossible in the first place for me to be accepted in those selective schools and making me feel guilty for the fact that i probably will be rejected.

but rejection is something im used to at this point.

i missed 2 days on my antidepressant meds because i didnt tell my mom how low i was on meds until very late, and i didnt want to admit to her that i had forgotten because she constantly yells at me about it, and i didnt want her to stress about getting the meds, and i felt no difference off the meds and i wonder why.

people always tell me im a really empathetic person and i wonder how true that is. i care about and relate to and want to know them, but im so egotistical and self centered i doubt that’s true.

my sister was home for a week and i love her a lot so it was theoretically wonderful, but i always forget that she sees me as her lesser so i always feel worse about myself whenever shes here. i love her so much, shes always been my savior and closest friend, but im good for nothing to her except as a placeholder until something better shows up or as a pawn in her screaming arguments with my dad.

Speaking of my dad i finally came to my conclusion about him, and actually talked about it with my sister and we agreed on a theory about why he hates us: he adores our mom (which he does), and she always wanted kids so he was happy to oblige, and he wanted kids too, but boys, or at the very least STEM geeks or athletes. We’re both none of those. and he doesnt care about us beyond toting his legacy, and if we dont do a good enough job of that he doesnt care about us at all.

i finally got my license saturday before last, and i was so happy because i always felt excluded by people because i wasnt able to drive myself places and would always have to ask for a usually unavailable ride. but then the minute i got my license, people stopped doing things and only ask me for my availability for times that ive already told them im unavailable for. it’s like when i got my license a mass text went out to everyone i know warning them that i could transport myself now, and they shouldnt plan anything in case i show up.

another big thing was supposed to happen last week that would have at least been something to try and help my weird obsession with being excluded: we were going to go to the phone store and trade in my samsung galaxy for an iphone. i wanted an iphone, no matter the number/age/condition, for no reason other than i wanted to be able to have group texts/chats. every single camp or class i went to, the people who i got on with would make a group chat. and of course, i couldnt be a part of it. part of me thinks of it as a thats life kind of thing. the other part remembers that no one was a particular fan of me anyway, and they probably were more than happy to not be in contact with me.

it didnt happen and i dont know if im grateful or sad.

[cratersofme-blog]

August 14, 2016

When we left high school I was lost, and I didnt have any hop of meeting friends. I didnt want to get close to anyone because I was too mad at you for not being there. Little did I know that you were looking out for me by keeping your distance. Although I felt as if I deserved to know, I still carried on. So much, that I even Tattooed “Dont ever change” because you told me not too. And I did change. I became something I wasnt. Ask everyone at JJAY, they always knew something was off about me. It was the fact that I didnt have you. And they all noticed that when you came, you were all I needed and the empty void was filled. You talk about that picture, it wasnt even about the picture. It was the fact that for once I felt like you were pulling away from me because of Riyad, and I still do. One day you guys will get close because that’s how you are. You tend to care. I hated seeing that you kept trying to make sure he ate and all of that because it took years for us to get to that level and it took him less than a month. So when I got shut down I felt shut out. Like you have no clue what it means to me that I even get to experience it. You send these vibes that cause all my muscles to contract, and slowly release into a peace I cant get anywhere else.

You talk about suicide, and believe me I know we all have our moments. But after what I told you? You feel guilty bringing it up? Yes I love her. But cant you see how much I need you. Suicide has been on my mind for years, everytime I drink. I want to hit things to make sure I can feel. You feel worthless? You have parents and a family who care. I do to, but not like that. Imagine all of this, Farishta, my ten year secret, everything Ive done, school, friends, my bros, videogames, work, and the gym. Do you know what kind of burden that puts on you? No, but thats not my point. My point is, that regardless of how heavy the burden may get, you keep me in check. I do it for you. I keep going because thats what you would want. And im sad because I cant do the same for you. May allah take your life today? I look up, and say “ see you soon” to Vinny, my grandfather, and even Farishta.

You have no idea what you mean to me. The pain? I dont care if it never subsides. Aslong as I have you. So I’m fucking sorry im acting like this.. because I feel like.. im losing you.

—————————

Alvin you don’t understand how much I get this. I feel just the way you feel. But you’re not understanding what our conversation was about. You bringing up high school and college is what we’ve built on. This is something what we’ve been through. Your tattoo and everything you mentioned is the base of our relationship. What you’re telling me is something I’ve been appreciated and still do. And I understand where you’re coming from. I feel like you’re making me feel so bad by mentioning our past. Our past is beautiful and we’ve built from it and what you’ve done for me is what I’ve built on. For you to bring this up right now though during our argument has no correlation. You’re brining up our past and then brining up Riyad the next second. You mentioned how easy it was for Riyad and I to get close in a month. One month with me is nothing. Four to five years with you means everything. We’ve literally attached our lives together. That’s where our effort is. That’s what will always bring me back to you. Riyad and I have nothing, and I haven’t even spoken to him all day and it’s funny because I actually forgot until I went though my messages. Its not about one month. It’s about the history and depth that we have that I will never have with Riyad.

I guess I should’ve spoken to you about it. I wish I would’ve seen that but just understand that I saw it in a different point of view. You got the idea that I shut you down but I wish you can see the amount of respect I was giving to Raveena and you breaking the promise. Now that I know it’s okay to bring it up I will do so. Each time we go through something like these we learn from each other and where our comfort zones are. We’re still learning from each other and you’re teaching me how to get to you in better ways and that’s what I want. It put me in such a position where you broke a promise and here is a girl who went though something a human should never have to go through. I was in such a position I didn’t know if I should bring it up. But now I know that I can. We hadn’t gone through a specific situation where it’s our significant other involved. And trust me you don’t need feel shut downed because I have literally had this in the back of my mind since you told me.

And honestly the only reason why I keep going and I’m strong each day is because I know at the end of day I want to spend it by speaking to you and not ever missing another moment of ours together. That’s what I hold onto. So don’t be sad that you can’t do the same for me when in fact you are. And that’s the honest truth. And for the record. You’re not loosing me. You never will. Even when I die. I’ll be haunting you.

———————— On the phone:

I’m jealous. You know that. Didn’t know what to do. Jealousy caused me to be funny with everyone. Bothered me. Brushing it off. Tried to. It’s not that serious told myself to relax. I can’t lie. It bothers me. I can’t find a way around it. Something I have to deal with on my own. Can’t say anything to change how I feel. I don’t get it. So I don’t except me to get it. Idk makes me feel like you want to talk him. I’m not gonna lie. This is going to put a wedge between us until I figure it out. It wasn’t about the picture. That’s the way my mind was working. Convincing myself to be different. Kept being disappointing. You’re everything I’ve always want. Hard to admit. But it’s true. It’s me. I don’t think anyone else had an impact the kind you have on me. It’s so foreign. I get what you have to say. The message you’re conveying I get. Idk what else you can say to change what I feel. I can’t do much else. Who I’m with you is someone you wouldn’t want. When I was distant there was way more. What happened when you become uninteresting. I can’t say that you can say that to me and mean it. I was mad at myself. Can’t change how I feel.

The whole thing with raveena. I don’t want to talk about it. I learned today about a person in a position of power can only understand his life if he looks at two directions at once. Past and presence and future. I get it. I told you that stuff in confidence. The reason I drank is not only you. It was everything else. No one saved me. Not even you. I was gone.

Suicide. At a point you don’t know what it’s like and know that they did that because they felt unloved. You’re not unloved you know that. I’ll give you a 110 and all if you needed it. I’ll give you all. I really don’t know. I decided this Riyad thing distant thing if it puts a wedge between us I can’t do anything about. What’s done is done. I’m exhausted. Don’t have time to be mad. Don’t have time to think about this problem I’ll think she lied she’ll keep me from being hurt don’t keep things from me. I don’t want you here if you’ll keep things from me. I just don’t. That’s not how I work. I give you 110 all the time. I only did it with you. I kept my distant from all these people because only one gained my trust.

You’re not some hoe. I genuinely love you. There’s a feeling when I think of you I can’t explain. It was a test for the picture. I wanted you at the same time. When I look at you I close my eyes or where ever I am I think of us I get goosebumps. Feelings that make my muscles contract cause it consumes and I’ve never felt it with anyone else but you. I gave up once I felt like you were pulling away. If I feel like this insecure worrying about texting Riyad or not I guess it’s worth it if I have you right that’s all I gotta say for myself. Not much you can say because it won’t change anything.