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wistfulkitten · 5 years ago

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i dream you’d love me again (1) || jk

a letter to the boy who left you waiting.

a drabble.

genre: angst, angst, and more angst

pairing: jeongguk x reader

word count: 749

posted: 200514

warnings: longing, infidelity, mentions of sex (if you squint), inconsistent punctuation (sorry wrote this pretty late at night)

a/n: this is the first thing ive written and publicly posted. hope it isnt too bad. ive been pretty bored with the whole quarantine thing so i was like ‘why the hell not’. i plan on writing more if this goes well. sorry if my page looks kinda boring, this is all really new to me. sorry its so short this was just an idea i went off of at 2am. i should stop apologizing. hope this doesnt flop. baiiii :))

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dear gukkie,

I sit here looking out the window at 2 am, unable to think about anything but you. I know, it's silly right? I sit here staring at all the beautiful stars, twinkling in the ocean of blue and all I can think about is how your eyes do the same. they do the same when you get excited and cant wait to tell someone, or when you’re talking about the new Marvel movie. and when you talk about how it felt trying to shoot the final shot with three seconds on the clock. do they still do that? I couldn’t help but get distracted every time I had the chance to look into them. not just a glance but truly look into them. it was so rare to get to do that in the beginning, you could hardly ever keep eye contact with anyone for over a minute. you were shy and I liked that. that's why whenever I got the rare honor of keeping your divine attention, I made sure to memorize all the little stories I read in them. they were quite interesting you know.

I miss it. getting to look into your eyes I mean. you hardly ever do it these days. hows my sister by the way? I haven’t really kept in touch with her ever since… you know. its been kinda weird these past years. it's like everyone sees me and they don't see me anymore, they just see the selfish little sister that tried to steal her older sister's boyfriend. every phone call ends the same. how are you? ok, I guess. when are you coming home? soon. how's school? I wouldn’t know, I graduated a few months ago. (but they would’t know cuz guess what? they didn’t bother coming) and then silence. like they’re silently cursing me out for what I’ve done. like what I did was so wrong. I mean it was… was it?

i didn't feel like it was, i still don't. I loved you, and i still do. you probably don't feel the same seeing that you didn’t choose me but it's ok. I don't reprimand you for that. i'm just… sad. I remember every touch, every kiss, every... i love you and yet it all feels like a dream. like nothing ever happened, like my feelings were invalid because they never happened. there are some days it actually feels like that but then i remember all the times you’d sneak out to see me and not her. all the times we made love in all the wrong ways when the world was asleep. all the drives we spent talking about how much we hated the life we lived and wanted to live a new one together. together. we used to want to be, together. just you and me.

why didn’t you come? in the four years that i’ve been away, that's the one question i’ve never been able the answer. i waited there three am on the dot waiting and waiting, but you never came. did you even mean it? all the plans and dreams we shared, or was that all just bullshit? I wouldn’t care either way because I'd love you anyway.

i'm sorry i couldn’t be there for the wedding. i just couldn’t bear seeing all the pity looks. it just didn’t feel right. i always imagined it to be me up there. but just know that i'm sorry. tell my sister that, would you? my words haven’t exactly been welcomed. all my messages and calls have been ignored. i guess thats why i'm writing this letter. hoping that my written words wouldn’t share the same fate.

i’ve dreamed about a lot in the life i've lived so far. about a new life outside of that small town i could never call home. about how much i wanted to be seen as me, just me and not the pretty girl's sister. about what the world outside would look like if i hadn’t been seeing it through rose colored glasses. i’ve dreamed a lot. but now i dream you’d love me again. just for a moment so i can feel it again. one last time. but that's all they are, just dreams.

i hope the best for you. i hope you’re happy. truly happy, even if it isn't with me. i truly hope that you feel loved. feel as much love as you can. the love i can never have again.

- the girl that dreamed

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update 200517: i will be posting a part 2 to this. someone said they wanted to know how jeongguk reacted n i honestly do too ngl. im currently in the process of writing that now. since this was so short im probably gonna make the next part longer so expect that to be up within the next few days. also thank you to the few of you who read this n gave me some feedback,,, dont be scared to comment or message me in the future n pls look forward to future writings:))

#jungkook angst #bts jungkook #jungkook x reader #jungkook #bts fanfic #bts angst #angst #letter #jungkook au #jungkook fic #jeon jungkook #jungkook drabble #jungkook scenarios #bts au #i dream you'd love me again #mine #bts imagine

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marcellaisnotme · 5 years ago

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to everyone.

to all the amazing people that light up my 2019, let's continue our journey to 2020. 2019 has been pretty amazing to me than last year and i'm rather excited for what's going to come on 2020. its a bit frightening but at the same time i'm ready to face it.

i'm dedicating each of you who got this page a personal message <3

let me start it with my loving Ren ♡ we met not that long ago but long enough for me to call you a special friend. i love hanging out with you, i love ranting everything to you cause you're a really good listener, advisor and most importantly a really great sidekick. okno. you know what to say to make me feel better and i admire that you can think of so much in a short amount of time. the way you handle everything is very responsible and careful, i look up to you alot. let's be more closer and share more stupid shitposts (RED VELVET PLSSS). i love you!!

Jason ♡ we known each other for a very long time but we always been pretty close to each other, but sometimes we don't talk and we argue that one time. and you went missing too but when you came back i was really excited. you were really funny and entertaining. just what i need, just what i wanted. we have a love hate relationship and we never get tired of each other and buuuu-ing each other everytime. okno. you are special to me and i cant find another jason to replace. thanks for being such a great friend. i love you!!

Juan ♡ my favorite movie partner and cuddle buddy <3 the one that would always tell stupid jokes which myself find it really funny even when it's pretty dumb. the one who never get tired of me punching you in the arm. okno. i wanna spend more time watching movies with you cause i personally hate watching movies cause i'm a book person. but when i watch it with you and hear you explaining to me everything made me love movies. pstt. only when i watch it with you <3 HAHAHA let's do more movie dates next time juan, because movies are not watch worthy without you. okno. i love you!!!

bwi ♡ as much as i find you pretty annoying and such a coward but i really know how it takes courage to do something. i know how does it feel when you feel like doing something. but it's find. i dont judge you for it ok? i was just messing around with you cause your reaction is always funny i dont wanna miss it. OKNO. if you havent moved on completely, it's fine. it takes time to heal and takes time to grow. i hope you have a better life and be happy in 2020. i love you!!

Belle ♡ SINCE YOU'RE A GIRL NOW IMMA CALL YOU BELLE. okno you were a guy when we first met and first dated. okno. i can't believe we made it till today even when we dont talk that much these days. i just want you to know even when i'm very very very annoying and stoopid but i am really thankful that you were always there listening to my probs and teas :(( i'm so dramatic. wipes non existent tears. okno. be less busy so that i can kacau you more :(( i love you!!

Kitty Kou ♡ my wife :(( my husband soulmate boyfriend girlfriend my everything :(( screams i miss you so much we're not talking much this days are you THAT busy gimme attention bich :(( okno. i'm glad that you are fine now (i can see and feel it) also i dont want you to be sad no more cause you dont deserve to be :(( i'll karate anyone that tries to mess with you i swear >:( i love you soooo much you're my fav bestie ever you listen to me and play along with me cause thats what soulmates do :(( dont ever leave my side or i'm gonna tie u to me so that you wont escape HAH take that :(( i love you bb♡

Qhal ♡ you stick up to me since day-1 and thats what i love about you. you grew into a better person, you were so much braver and bolder plus happier these days and i've never been so proud of you. i hope your happiness last till next year and the following and forever. every day is a new day. you dont have to close old books and open new ones. you dont have to be someone you're not and importantly, you dont have to do things for anyone else. yourself is your top priority and always remember that you're just as important. seeing you happy makes me happy. we've been friends for god knows how long and you never left my side, ever. you're always a special friend to me. you're always in my heart. i love you!!

Irwin ♡ not gonna deny you're always there for me when i'm in an existential crisis. okno. you're such a fun and funny person to talk with. i always enjoyed talking to you because you could make and awkward situation lively with your randomness. you radiate great and positive energy that anyone around you feel better. you make me feel better when i'm sad. i hope you and jade last looooooooooong enough just like how long we've known each other. i love you!!

Tian ♡ i love talking to you and randomly being stupid with you and jason. i love how we click with each other that much it's like we're siblings. rough things happened but let's all forget about it. i hope for you happiness as you were always sad about a certain someone. it's fine to think about it. it's fine to hold onto it. cause the longer you hold on, the easier it will go away when it gets old. you should really reveal your cute daughter to everyone. cause i miss her and everyone needs to see her <3 she's amazing just like you. i love you!!

Cosmo ♡ as long as we known each other, you were the brightest person and the easiest to get along with. you always know what to do and put your heart in everything you do. i dont like seeing you being sad or depressed anymore because you weren't like that when we first met. always surround yourself with happy stuff >> me. and do things you wanna do that makes you happy. you will always be my cosmo, and i'll always be your wanda♡. i love you!!

Junguan ♡ hi bestie how u doin. okno. i am glad that you're always happy, always problem free. thanks for listening to my problems, thanks for being a great friend. i have a great laugh and a great time with you always. your reaction to my stupidness and sarcasm was always funny i'm not gonna lie. you're always the one that i believe would keep everything i tell you a secret. you're such an awesome person and a great friend. i love you !!

Xie/ Axel ♡ you're a really interesting person to talk to. aside from our past relationship. you're a really strong and a great person. you're someone that doesn't give up on anything you do and i really adore you for that. you make everything seem so funny to me idk why oKNO. but except for our snapstreak, we dont really talk mUCH. did you moveD or are you just busY cause u krik krik im thinking twice about softblocking you. okno. talk to me bitch. i love you!!

marcell/shaq ♡ you change your name to match mine cause you like me eh?? buuu. okno. you were always someone i trusted because you're responsible of doing your job and you're someone nice to talk to i mean not nice nice because you're mean but nice by i can have a conversation with you and talk about random stuff without letting it die because i'm funny and you're lame okno. let other judge your outer and let yourself know your inner. jangan jadi noob for 2020. okno. i love you!!

Eric ♡ my stupid bun. my ride or die. ew. these two years 18/19 has been pretty rough for the both of us and i think it's just a step and a lesson to grow into a better person. you helped me alot through this year and i'm never less thankful for that. the loving things you do for me, the things you would let it slide when it comes to me. your soft spot for me never goes away huh HAH and i'm taking advantage of that. okno i'm kidding. you are a big help for me and for what i went through. you never said no. you always agree on everything and i really appreciate it. when we broke up last year, you still insisted to talk to me. which i find out really annoying. just kidding. i'll let everything slide since you do that to me too. you're a really great person, amazing let me tell you. thanks for being a great friend to me. thanks for helping me out with almost everything. i owe you big time. i love you!!

harry ♡ first of all, thank you for being a great bestie, we would always talk to each other everyday but you got busy these days :(( but yey, its almost a decade since ive known you, kyak. we met when we were in kbb. you were d__, kyak, smpipol 💕 i feel so giddy giddy all of a sudden lololol. and then we started exchanging contacts, you were first harry, on fl. and then we had this, nOOt squad gTG. im nunmul-ing. why is this suddenly a throwback session. and and and then theres trisha gosh i love trisha and you too. i adore you for being such an honest person, when it comes to telling your problems to us, which is something i cant really do. if you have problems, dont hesitate to tell us, though i dont really help much eheh. but sometimes there are things that arent meant to be said. its okay, theres nothing wrong feeling sad, feeling all those negative feelings. we are human too, we have feelings. it is okay to sometimes not be okay, it is okay. but other than that, be happy with those you are surrounded with. youre someone that worth a big hug. i hope you spent your day with those you love 💕 i hope youre having a good day. youre an amazingly talented person. i hope youd achieve your dream soon, i pray for your health, and for you to surrounded by lovely people. you're such a talented person and gosh, your drawings for the fashion week, cries. chef kisses momma!!! you should update me on your life more because i wanna know what you do and support you on everything you do. don't forget me anyways :(( because you're the only realest annoying brutally honest bitch i love :(( i love you!!

thanks for an amazing 2019, lets get closer in 2020. i love you guys. ♡

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realevenia-blog · 6 years ago

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Part 1

So I’ve done several card readings lately - because that’s something I do when I need some sort of advice - and they’ve all mentioned that I should journal. This probably isn’t ideal considering it’s on a computer, but it’s convenient so it’ll have to do. I think what Im hoping to come out of this is a clearer image of everything thats going on. Like how my subconscious feels.. but I guess it isn’t really my subconscious if it’s conscious thinking? I’m confused mostly about my love life, if you can even call it that. It’s more of a “could-this-be-love” life. Either way I feel like its super cliche but how else am I going to describe it?

Okay so first there’s *Carper. I talked to Carper a little bit over the summer and had you asked me about him a few months ago, I would’ve definitely tried to make the relationship bigger than it actually was. (Calling it a “relationship” even seems a little much but to be fair, if you look up the definition of relationship it’s basically any kind of interaction between two people and we interacted, damn it.) I mean, obviously we had chemistry and I will say I felt a way about Carper that I never really felt about any other guy. Thinking back on it now though, the truth is I never really had a relationship with any other guy the way mine and Carper’s was. It was only a few weeks, but we spent every single night together. Eventually, it was routine for me to go to work and then meet up with Carper. I would always ask him to come and hang out with me at my house, but he would make a big deal about how he didn’t want to get attached to my family and whatnot.

❀ SIDENOTE: an important thing you should know about Carper is that he was in a two year relationship and when we started talking, they had only been broken up for three months. Clearly I was a rebound and at the time, I refused to admit it. I can’t ignore that now though. ❀

Anyway, eventually the truth came out about the 12th time I had asked for him to come over. He said, “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.” I was actually kind of relieved to hear this because I was over him bullshitting me. And then, he started to explain how he was feeling which was basically that he was scared, which I let him know I understood because I did, but that didn’t mean that I had to sit around and wait so when he asked if it changed anything, my answer was, “duh.” Then he started freaking out and asked me to meet his family, which I said no to because I knew he was just trying to make things better. When he promised that that wasn’t the case, I decided to say yes even though I know now that I wasn’t ready for anything that big and clearly, he wasn’t either. So I met his parents and it was really nice and the last week we spent together, I went to his house a few more times. But summer ended and so did my relationship with Carper, because as you might’ve guessed, he wasn’t ready.

At the beginning of the school year, all I thought about was Carper. I couldn’t really understand why he ended things, because the night before he ended things we almost had sex, but we didn't.. When I asked why he ended it, he was kind of rude. He mentioned that he didn’t realize I was going to get so attached and in the moment that really hurt me but looking back now, I don’t really care all that much anymore. I wouldn’t necessarily say I agree because I know what I felt and im confident in that. I could never apologize for how I feel towards someone.

Well, in case you haven’t already guessed Carper has come back and my feelings have definitely done a complete 180. Well maybe like 175. I don’t really want to be with Carper. I mean he’s great and I like being around him but im not really interested in that way anymore and I think it’s because of one person and one person only: *Devin.

Devin is someone who is really important to me. I don’t know how to explain it really, cause its unjustifiable since I haven’t even met him. I just have a strong gut feeling that he is who im supposed to be with. Sometimes I think maybe ill look back on this and laugh but as of rn, im sure. I want him and him only. I wish I didnt. I know Devin through mutual friends and we started talking not too long ago. He and i have kind of been through some shit already and it was only in the first two weeks which ill probably get into later. Im stuck between the whole “Love is simple” and “Every relationship has its ups and downs.” When am I supposed to call it? And how am I supposed to call it? I cant switch my feelings off and I also cant understand why my feelings are so strong in the first place. Ive always been super emotional and its hard to explain but this just feels so different.

To be fair, I felt this way about Carper but not this strong, also this feeling is different. Its more of a don’t let this go feeling.

My head and my heart are never on the same page. With the Devin situation, my head doesn’t even come to play. Its like my heart is so strong that any thought of doubt I have is instantly pushed away. I cant explain it. I’ve always heard the phrase “when you know, you know.” Well is that what this is?

* = had to change the names, because if either one of them found this, which isn't likely but if they did, id absolutely die of embarrassment.

#love #blog

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kosmicdream · 7 years ago

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The Bizarre Pacing of Feast For a King

I WROTE ANOTHER LITTLE JOURNAL THING ABOUT MY COMIC enjoy

Feast for a king, right now, is around 4350 pages long. (A bit more than that, especially if you include the 80 page bonus chapter) but one thing about this story that stands out and ultimately becomes one of the biggest deciding factors of a readers enjoyment is the way I handle pacing.

Besides the ‘rough’ artwork, its absolutely the #1 thing people comment on. Disorienting, Rambling or meandering, it very much encapsulates a style that you would not typically find in a comic. It promotes an atmosphere of, obviously lacking an ‘editor’ who would attempt to reel things in or get to the point. As its creator, I’m very aware with how strange it is but that’s exactly one of the reason why I attempt to commit to it. I allow myself this strange liberty to participate in this comic in a format that is very revealing of all my flaws.. but also helps me discover my strengths as well. And besides that, it really gives me the most clear window of the possibilities of my skills.

Still at this point in my comic creating process, I start to hesitate to call this format experimental anymore. I understand that it is, but it also just.. is how I like to make comics. By calling it experimental, i find that I take myself a little less seriously as an artist. Or that it becomes a little more easy to put down what makes this process work and why its effective.

In the eyes of many, it breaks necessary boundaries and there’s not a lot pause for air. Its just like this, the entire way that it goes. Its something you must confront and deal with in order to read the story. I think that in a way, I use this pacing also as a protective wall for myself. The only problem is that it also isolates me from a larger audience. Which kind of sucks because, i think that my story is very special and i’d love for more people to read it because.. id.. like to make this my career and support me. I’m sure there are a lot of other aspects of my comic that make it hard to read besides the pacing but, I think that my pacing is something that I’d like to address in more detail as to why i do it. It IS absolutely an intentional choice, but at the same time, I’m not sure if its a choice I can really undo anymore. So perhaps its actually just something I can’t help but do.

1) The largest reason that I do this pacing is because its reflective of my main source of inspiration, Roleplaying! And, my favorite method of roleplaying is actually a very simple format close to chat-based style. I’ve been roleplaying since i was 11 and making characters and stories ever since. Its where I feel more comfortable working and exploring ideas. I wanted to make a comic feel like how I do when I roleplay. And how i roleplay is often filled with mundane, small scenes of almost pointless activities which end up really building that atmosphere or illusion that these characters are always living their lives somewhere, even if we don’t notice. I’m obsessed with documenting all that small boringness. The more i can pull out of myself, the better it feels. I feel like its a reward to get to see those things, and its the kind of attention to detail that often hooks me in when I experience other media. Its like, oh my god, i love this character fussing with a flashlight or looking for food at a grocery store. Tying their shoes. Fussing over their thoughts in a moment. These are things I cling to and want to take the time to mention. You can do all those in roleplaying without it being super distracting because its casual, but suddenly when its in the format of a comic it just-- doesn’t seem necessary. and it isnt. but thats why its such a treat to get it. But it also just stops being a treat when its constant, and instead, its all the time. Its just the normal standard. You’d think that make its loose its appeal... but for me i just, want more of it. Its really an obsessive hunger. I realized that i could do it this way in a comic and I never wanted it to stop. And i dont have to. That’s what makes it so cool but i feel like..im cheating at something by having so much..fun?

2) Meandering gives you plenty of fucking time to plan ahead. Oh it sure as fuck does. Oh my god. I am not even kidding. The satisfaction of feeling like I’ve got all my plans together because I spent hundreds of pages of my characters fucking around (sometimes literally FUCKING around) is amazing. I love just not having to worry about shit for a while because if i was hitting all these huge story beats at all the time, i think I would evaporate and miss out on just the slow, happy experience of getting to know my world so intimately and feeling very comfortable with how it unfolds. I sit and debate on things and Its like ahh, thank god I don’t feel a rush to get around to do anything. I love just being chill and drawing my characters walking around and doing fucking nothing but walking around and its like damn I could be walking around right now too, but I’m not. They are. What am i typing right now?

When exciting things happen in my comic, I love it. But i also love working by making basically mental buffer pages. Its like the camera kept rolling and following the crew around. Once again, basically ties into the “mundane” aspect, but it just gives a very nice satisfaction of not feeling rushed to do anything until its time to do it. personally, i think that if we are given more time with characters, even just by seeing there, we get a little more fonder of them. Like seeing a regular at a coffee shop or like, a video game npc bouncing around in the corner in the same spot for the entire game. They’re there and its a reliable landmark. Until it goes away. :)

3) Pay off. I’ve lulled you all into this false sense of mundane non changing-ism. Just think though. I could pull that fucking rug out at any time and all those little cute moments suddenly become very upsetting because that was all you got. It sucks now. See? I’ve manipulated you from the start and ive planted the little seeds in your mind-just kidding. everything is fine and no one will ever experience sad things in ffak. ONLY happy endings.

4) What’s the forth reason? Ummmmm....... I can take breaks from my own comic and then go into the past of the same story, or write about some random character... and then like. just do a totally different comic for a bit. and no one can say i cant do that, because if Its just what i wanna do you just.. get to see some of that. and i can extend one single day for as long as i want. i might just draw an entire chapter about sneezy the worm if i wanted. 600 pages of sneezy the worm. you want to hear about sneezy the worm? no? you want the main plot about the final feast? no fuck you.. im going to talk about sneezy now. that’s what you get. yesss. you look upset now but just wait, you’re gonna love sneezy the worm when I’m done and you cant escape caring about cute little worms no matter what.

So to wrap up today’s delirious ramblings 1) Its fun and i love small character moments 2) gives me plenty of time to write ahead and figure out endings lol 3) potential heart breaking pay offs when i change the routine 4) freedom to do whatever and write about whatever characters without a looming deadline or judgment from bosses. this is just what i love to do.

FFAK’s process is strange but I intend to enjoy myself as much as possible. I also think I’m very great because the longer i work the less ashamed i feel about my choices with writing and making it this way. its just like oh cool, i can do this and its not the end of the world if everyone doesnt like it cause I like it and thats what matters. and turns out, my happiness results in thousands of pages because I’m constantly self-motivated. So its fucking cool as shit and i love drawing. I love drawing more now in 2018 than i did when i was a teenager, or even a kid. Its so weird how much better and fun the experience has grown to be and I wouldnt trade that for the world.

Anyway thanks for reading. I’m drinking a frappichino. frappuccino. how do you fucking spell that.

-kosmic

#feast for a king #ffak faq #ffak #journal

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melodythehopeful · 7 years ago

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Me Again

My writing hasn’t been much if anything lately. Not that anyone really looks forward to it. Most probably dont even understand it or think it’s good. Its a lot to take in depending on how deep you go and how much about me you want to know. I’m overwhelming, I know.

i have a lot of things to say and no where else to say them. Ive written letters, I’ve written anxieties, I’ve writtten sadness. I don’t know what this is supposed to be. I just know its 1:26 AM and I cannot sleep. Its not that im not tired, im exhausted. I just cant sleep.

So lets talk about foolish things I’ve done in the last 48 hours, shall we?

1. I sought out Aarons twitter. I went through it and realized I no longer love him. All the things I feel for him are for a person he will never be again. My heart does not race at the sight of a Jeep Liberty anymore. I dont check to see if its him. I dont do double takes when someone in passing looks similar to him. I no longer recognize him. A year ago i would have cried at the mention of his name. Now, I am fine, it doesn’t phase me really.

2. I also looked through his new girlfriends twitter. She’s not THAT pretty but she is slightly attractive. For his sake i hope she makes him happy. She seems too. Though, Michellie did also. I made rude comments about their relationship and long held grudges over her. I dont regret them and im not sorry for them in the least, this isn’t an apology for all the things I’ve done. Just a list.

3. I went through old DM’s with Parker. I do honestly miss being friends with him. I dont know what happened but i think that distance is better because I put it there for a reason. He isn’t the same person i was friends with and joked with this past year. He only seems to be. I hope hes happy though. He’s going to do so many things and be so successful, hes made for it.

4. I went through old DM’s with Miles. I miss the conversations we used to have. At the moment I’ve unfollowed him on everything and do my best to not check his profiles. I read his tweets when they appear on my time like and occasionally seek out his instagram to see if hes posted anything new. None of my finsta posts are for him anymore, though i do check to see if hes watched my stories..

5. I sent Miles an old DM again because i knew exactly how he would react. He will read it. Smile. Do the quiet shaky laugh where he isn’t really laughing but he is. And he will bring his hand up to his face and mutter something about me being stupid or not funny like he knows i am. Or maybe he won’t say anything at all. He may not even look at it..

5. He looked at it. He responded, I know at least he laughed. How could he not? Ive been sending him the same image for years. But i sent it to see if he’d respond, to see if he laughed or even still cared. Foolish.

6. I have stayed up past 1 AM for the past two nights, this is the stupiedest thing I’ve done in the past 48 hours.

7. I talked to Jacob. Called him out on his shit, then had a nice mature conversation.

I wonder how often anyone i know reads this. Ive told very few about this page.. miles, Bryce, Aaron. I doubt Bryce even remembers this or me. Aaron doesn’t care, but its understandable and perfectly okay. Im never sure about anything when it comes to Miles. Justin knows but i doubt he really reads anything anymore. Lliam might know but i dont remember telling him. Jacob knows only because i wrote my favorite piece about him. I doubt he comes here at all. This isn’t his type of thing. I dont think I ever told Parker or sent him any of my writings. And im more than okay that hes unaware really. Caleb doesn’t know. The girls do but dont care, they care about me just not my “blog”. I just wonder if anyone checks up on me at all. Not that this would be a good way since this is the first I’ve written in a while...

Okay. Well im going to bed. Because I’ve spent 20 minutes writing complete nonsense that no one will read. Im very tired. Emotionally, mentall, and physically.

I wish luck to you, reader, in all your endeavors. Thanks for taking your time to read the most boring piece I’ve ever written.

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grammaticalmustaches · 4 years ago

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KETTLE KATCHERZ FEEL FREE TO READ

under a read more due to length oops

suddenly overcome with love for my players. its a constant emotion but im feeling it so big right now.

theyre just so invested in the world! and their characters! and theyre so kind!?! truly i think dnd brings out the best in people.

i gave them some kenku that are having trouble integrating with a community because of the language barrier and now my players are out of game diving into esl education to make a communication book to help them get basic ideas across.

it is an ongoing joke that they adopt every npc i give them and its not much of a joke bc no lie i think there are just as many npcs who travel with the party as there are actual pcs. actually i just counted there are exactly as many party npcs as there are pcs. three of those npcs are kind of just one npc who at one point shared a consciousness but are now separate(-ish) beings and one of those npcs is just a small horde of dust bunnies that occasionally either makes or cleans up messes so you could argue the numbers dont actually line up but it is still an absurd number of npcs to have adopted. i have to plan reasons npcs cant or dont want to go on adventures as one of the first character points i make otherwise their party would be triple its size. i am constantly forgetting how many npcs they have with them at all times but they Dont forget and make points to include them in conversations and decision making.

i just think dnd brings out the best in people!!!

also i lowkey hate making maps but maps are important for understanding the world so iv been doing research and shit and trying to get better at it but! my players literally help with that? not just in making it fun and rewarding but like literally help with the task of it?

as in we just came from a city that one of my players spent a few years at so he drew a map of the city and wrote me out a Huge world building document about the city and its culture and like, climate and neighborhoods and what was important to his character while living there and everything! and another player gave me a six page document that included maps about the territory their character grew up in like, almost at the very beginning of our campaign! i havn’t even had a chance to use any of that information yet because they come from a very far away place! they dont care they Had Fun making me this big old document! and now we’re visiting a player’s childhood home and They’ve offered to make the map for the area! that would be three whole maps all player made!!!

theyre just so invested and make things so easy on me!!! it is so easy to dm a group that is constantly focused on Working With the world and moving their characters forward!

and its a super homebrewed campaign partially bc i honestly think thats not only more fun but how dnd is Meant to be played, with some creativity and making shit up on the spot, but also my players are so good!!! about shit being homebrew!!! when something comes up we dont know the rules for or which rules dont exist for we work together to decide what happens!!! if someone knows a rule i dont they let me know and i can ask them what they think happens given the rules that do apply and we make decisions together on how it works with a focus on what makes the most compelling story!

its just so truly OUR game!!! my beloved comrades!!!

Also like, its been off and on and we’ve taken breaks but we’ve been playing since March 2019? and people have added and left and like i said we’ve had to take breaks but in the end this is not a campaign i can imagine not being in anymore. i cannot imagine this campaign ending just because, like, there’s just so many of them who are so invested!!! and Im so invested! to be honest this campaign is one of the most fun and rewarding things in my life and one of my favorite things about it is how confident i am that it is going to be a constant in my life for a long time. like im really able to just Revel in this campaign and sink hours of work into weird bullshit and plan out arcs and enemies and friends and plot hooks and aesthetic bullshit i dont expect our party to meet for Quite a while because i just! i have no fear that this is going to end!

One of my players got a symbol from our campaign tattooed onto their flesh body? art that i made for dungeons and dragons? it will be on their human body for the rest of their life? and another got a tattoo that (partially) represents what this campaign means to them? another has told me they would love to get a campaign related tattoo with me someday? there is a tattoo in game that binds (most of) the pcs to each other and there has been talk about us getting that tattoo together?

i cannot think about this for too long or i go insane. i made some shapes on canva and spent the whole time wishing i had ms paint because ms paint is my level of art and these are designs that are being added to bodies because we have collectively installed so much emotion and meaning into them.

i am losin gmy mind.

and like, iv already sunk lowkey a kind of unreasonable amount of time (esp for someone who just went back to school and has homework!) into making my kenku soundboard and mixtape but its been such a passion project already and the whole time iv been working on it iv had Zero fear of the reception because i Know and Trust that my players will think my first attempt at using garageband is sick as hell even if its kind of not because they are just crazy supportive and love our world like i cant even really call it my world its truly Our world and! we all love and contribute to it!!!???!!!

I just love my party so much!!!

i just!!! truly think!!! dnd brings out the best in people!!!

at the end of every session we do a rose/bud/thorn (thing we liked/thing we’re looking forward to/thing that could be improved or issue wed like to bring up) to check in with how the session went!!! we discuss things we didnt like and how wed change them!!!

they challenge me Constantly not just in pushing my capabilities as a growing dm but they also speak up and challenge my decisions when they disagree!

i jsut cannot get over how truly we are Working Together in all aspects to make this campaign what it is.

i have a tendency to move dnd at a crawling pace where every hour of every day is meticulously role played. and they told me they didnt like that and now we work together to make things move faster! and it doesnt always work and we still dont move that fast but weve brainstormed several options and tried a few new things to make it easier for me to go faster!

PROBLEM SOLVING INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF GAME

dnd! brings out! the best in people!

and also also also theres like, Multiple players who really hate using technology and sometimes esp video chatting. and most sessions currently people’s thorns have been tech issues/being on video. but wer still all (mostly) show up every session! we still submit to the mortifying ordeal of being seen/heard on discord!

some of my players have an accented character voice and i love them So So So Much for this and it makes me feel confident and comfortable enough to try my best at (when i remember to) doing character voices for npcs but we are not critical role and we are certainly not voice actors so none of our voices are very good or consistent! and my players with accents get self conscious about this pretty often but like!!! they are TRYING!!! they are GIVING IT THEIR ALL!!!

what more could anyone possibly ask of them?

multiple players have come to me concerned and looking for advice/help because they dont think theyre very good at role play/staying in character. we’ve got people who so dedicated theyre stepping Way outside their comfort zone and then turning around and apologizing for how far a walk it was??? they are giving it Their All and their biggest concern is how to give MORE?

i had a moment last session where i realized that our current arc is literally exactly the kind of arc i Dreamed of dming when i was first starting out. like, not to toot my own horn but its legitimately open world and they have a mystery that they need to get to know a small community and find out what everyone knows and put all the pieces together to figure out what happened. i used to scroll through dm forums Endlessly looking for Any advice on how to plan a good mystery and i didnt think id ever be at the point where i could actually pull a mystery Or an open world arc off. but like, here i am. its going pretty great so far.

also this current arc is one of the First i ever thought up for this campaign. obviously it’s changed and evolved a lot since original concept but like. just a Bit emotional over, ya know. finally getting here and having it be even better than i imagined. how far we’ve all come, in and out of game. the fact that my players had so much fun talking to my prize npc kenku whom i have been developing for literal years now and adore beyond reason that they are learning about esl studies to help them integrate into the coven they are trying to join.

DND! BRINGS OUT! THE BEST IN PEOPLE!

COLLABORATIVE STORYTELLING. WORKING TOGETHER TO CRAFT MEANING. LOVING AND SUPPORTING EACH OTHERS CREATIVE DECISIONS. MAKING DICK JOKES.

THIS IS WHAT DND IS ALL ABOUT BABY.

#dnd #for anyone wondering what this super long post is: tl;dr i love my players and our campaign #kettle katcherz #thought i finished writing this very long post #then Went Off in the tags #to the point i got cut off #so i went back and added my tags to the actual post.#sorry not sorry that i just love my players beyond tag limit

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smoliboops · 7 years ago

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heckie

hey idk if you care anymore or if im just bothering you but i wanted to talk about this n get it off my chest? ok here goes-

basically an extension of the cranbersher thing that happened yesterday

also this is gonna get v v long, sorry.

heres a link to the post made abt this: booperdoopcr.tumblr.com/post/166157910781/writeasoph-booperdoopcr-so-like-i-know

basically cranbersher/oliver beale- a stop-motion animator (and musician of sorts), who is best known for working for several youtubers- most notably several of marks older animations + a more recent reboot and one of jacks old outros- had a very cryptic message on his twitter (@cranbersher) yesterday.

his twitter header changed to black, his profile picture was a dark n glitched photo (seemingly of a face), his name changed to 6 black boxes and his description link changed to cranbersher.com/secrets.

he tweeted out a short video with no caption (i believe around 20-30s) of a black screen with glitched n garbled noises, with one bright flash near the middle.

he replied to people’s confused replies to the post with cryptic, short messages written in a small unicode text

shortly after this, he deleted the tweets n changed his twitter back to normal and set up a stream for cuphead.

this is all the clues there are cus oliver is a cryptic shit.

–

heres some stuff ive deduced/know?

the 6 black boxes he had as his name match up directly with the amount of letters in oliver- his real name. someone in the replies also noted this.

the strange video seems very similar to the cryptic videos mark posted lately on his twitter: 3 and 2.

the /secrets link in his info is NOT new. a while ago,it was up on his twitch under the command ’!secrets’- which would give you said link. he invited people to try n figure out what it meant/crack the password. (i remember one time in chat someone said they cracked it n cran mentioned it im not sure if it was for real/if they confirmed it w/ him which cran said he would.) however, it seems to not be up on his nightbot commands page anymore. (also, i swear im not lying w/ this- unfortunately w/ these cryptic things i have no proof to give but im certain it was there. the vods arent in his archive anymore but this is true, i promise.)

in the replies (some can be seen in the post linked @ the beginning) whoever cran is speaking as states they do not know who mark or dark is. this seems to directly contradict the theory that the dark situation n this is related, but 1) they could be lying or trying to avoid, 2) they could be unaware of the relation but still be connected, or 3) it could actually be completely unrelated- but i think this is a bit too much of a coincidence for that to be true. (the messages are just so cryptic n short it just seems unlikely, imo. also, if cran is just doing his own spoopy thing cus its october (which is possible n also cool), it seems odd he’d choose to address those questions b/c if he wanted to keep it separate, why not just ignore stuff abt other dark!egos n keep it his own? or im reading too far into this, but heck.)

(ooc) thinking more irl n literally, mark has worked w/ many artists, animators n fan creators in the past- even more so recently. as well as this, cran has worked w/ mark many times before- and is more closely related to him than other fan artists. (also hes in kinda like an ‘animator squad’ w/ other well-known animators/artists who worked closely w/ youtubers which basically has pixlpit, foolishcptnkia, grittysugar, nattcatt, and some others who are p close w/ mark n jack)

and thats all ive got for theories on that stuff (mostly idk i have bad memory n cant really explain that well w/ text)

–

and there’s more! wowie zowie. i didnt get a chance to look more at the video he posted cus i didnt get a chance to save it, but someone did reply to his next tweet w/ a pic of the glitched avatar so i tried to fuck around and see what i could get- heres the results.

this is the profile picture, unedited. (sorry if the image insert doesnt work idk if html works in submissions)

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLkuYe6W4AAc86s.jpg)

this is the profile picture, sharpened slightly. (this one is referenced for most of the other photos n such)

(https://i.imgur.com/xX1D6FC.png)

this is the profile picture, cross-referenced w/ a front-on pic of oliver from his twitter.

(https://i.imgur.com/7sVKrRB.png)

this is the profile picture, cross-referenced w/ a pic angled from below of oliver from his twitter. (i know this pic is really ~sketchy~ but it was the best one w/ this angle w/o digging through photos and videos so ye)

(https://imgur.com/awf6FgH)

this is the profile picture, cross-referenced w/ both pics. (kinda hard to really make it easier to understand)

(https://i.imgur.com/IWB8D48.png)

this is the profile picture, w/ a rough sketch of how the combined features would look overlaid the photos.

(https://i.imgur.com/n51oaJ4.png)

this is the profile picture w/ the rough sketch alone.

(https://i.imgur.com/M3X68tO.png)

–

thats enough pic spam- lets talk abt this. it seems p certain that its a glitched photo of oliver- the facial features seem to match up fairly well. his face seems to be tilted weirdly back to the right (our right, shown by the arrows)- this is a p stereotypical menacing pose- its odd and inhuman which makes it look creepy to the audience. this also gives some major anti vibes- hes moving his head in a way thats uncomfortable and almost looks broken- choppy or glitched- not really something youd usually do or see.

but aside from that- its v shadowy n dark. there are some key facial features missing- the eyes n mouth- (the ears n features in the back would be hidden anyway) we associate these features w/ being human. thats why it looks so weird when someones missing an eye or has a 3rd eye or a stitched mouth.

not just that though- cran has something else that is associated w/ him. and its puppets- his stop-motion puppets. if you dont know- cran likes to have self-inserts in his animations and works- he has large self-insert parts in both his most recent mark animation n his cranbersher’s guide series that have large plot points or hidden plots associated w/ them. point is- puppets have a lot to do with his channel n image on the web.

abt a month ago, cran posted a tweet finishing off a month or so old thread that was quite eerie, to say the least. (keep in mind that puppets take a long, long time to make n that he only scraps them when they break, n this is obviously not normal) that ended in this photo:

(https://i.imgur.com/MyiHvDI.png)

also, he had this photo as his header before and after this change. and what is clearly missing from this puppet thats different than his other puppets? well:

(https://i.imgur.com/DpcusuL.png)

(https://i.imgur.com/Ab3b8RR.png)

thats right fuckers- eyes and a mouth.

and what does that mean? quite frankly, i have no idea. im just rambling about my dumb thoughts.

(please validate me i spent 2 days on this,, fkin)

now for the super amazing end-card tournament!1!!

(holy toledo you really did your research that’s awesome! gg :O)

#if you're the same person who submitted another message to me yesterday tho i was litterally just about done answering it #i just gotta take care of a thing thats due at midnight first #submission

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abundantchewtoys · 6 years ago

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HS EpiPro: page 3 reaction

After giving it more thought, I know Rose might simply have been moved by the goodbye.

There's a possibility it's a farewell, that John might not be able to rejoin them, but then that would mean HIS victory state is something else.

And if I'm honest, the main thing that would move him to choose the other versions of his friends above those that he won the game with, was if their adventures somehow led to his Dad's resurrection. At least, that's the only thing I can come up with right now.

I also no longer think that Rose might have gotten 'ideas' due to her current state, but it still stands that her condition, if it wouldn't improve, is a serious impediment. Comparable to any debillitating illness you can get at a young age, like Parkinson or young dementia.

On to greener pastures, for now. I'm looking forward to the John/Roxy interaction. Apart from the funny quips they'll exchange, I'm looking to see what nuggets of wisdom she may have to share with him. If she won't join after all, she may have something for John as a Rogue of Void, shedding light on something he was too oblivous to have noticed or remembered.

---

Hmm, so Rose was in the Human Kingdom? Kind of strange, considering Kanaya's commitment to the trolls' legacy. It... might just be that the Human & Troll Kingdom are located at the same coordinates on the planet, just the first one on the surface level and the other, partially submerged? We know from the snaps that Karkat's hive, at least, was on the surface.

"For whatever faults this paradise you created might have, you sure don’t hear many complaints about the weather." Those faults including the troll rebellion that kidnapped Jane?

"You’re sitting with Roxy and Calliope on a giant, chessboard-pattern tablecloth. It’s a nice touch, you think. But if you spent any time shopping in the Carapace Kingdom, you’d know most things you can buy are chess themed." Pffff, hah, of course that's a thing. At least a chess-themed cloth is not so on the nose as, say, chess-themed cars or clothes.

"JOHN: she looked alright. mostly just tired.

JOHN: at least she seemed to have enough energy to babble at length about philosophical gibberish, and things about canon and such.

ROXY: lmao

ROXY: guess she filled you in on all the ultimate self junk then"

So Roxy knew about Rose's condition, but at minimum hadn't spoken to her that day yet. Also, she knows about the merging of selves! The 'ultimate self' term could've come from Jade, from when she talked to Davepetasprite^2.

"JOHN: you haven’t been feeling anything like that, right?

ROXY: what getting to know my ultimate self?

JOHN: yeah.

ROXY: man ive barely got a hold of my basic ass self" Hah, nice. At least John isn't the only one.

"the only illicit substance i’ve ever done is lick that STUPID trickster lollipop" Well, okay, so John didn't loot Dad's liquor stash, if the man had any to begin with.

"JOHN: NEVER AGAIN." Calliope might think the incident bears repeating, unless she learned by now that irresponsibly discarding your issues doesn't resolve anything.

"ROXY: cant say its much my business anymore

ROXY: rose and i arent as close as we used to be

You nod, sort of knowingly, because you’re thinking about how you hadn’t talked to Rose in ages either. Roxy gives you a quizzical look, but you turn away before she can draw meaning from it." :/ They've drifted apart over the years, then. I kind of hoped they'd keep in touch, all sister-like. And Roxy might be a whiz at reading subverbal clues, come to think of it, as Rogue of Void.

"ROXY: maryams been keeping her real busy since they got hitched

ROXY: they both vanished down the brooding caverns and that was p much that

ROXY: only since she got sick and spent more time at home did we start talkin more again

ROXY: its been great but our conversations have been a lil bit upsetting" Eesh, so... Kanaya's calling kept the two of them so wrapped up they lost contact. That's sad. I wonder if Rose came up because exposure to the sun helped alleviate some of the symptoms, due to Vitamine D and all that. In any case, if they hadn't talked that much in so long, there's still a lot of unresolved issues between the two of them.

"You look towards the bell tower in the distance. It’s a gothic building so tall that it cuts a shadow through the midday sun. It’s an important landmark in the kingdom—the tallest structure for miles around—and the only way you can ever navigate your way here flying. Carapace architecture is otherwise identic, a reflection of their functional, collectivist society." I'm pretty sure the bell tower resembles the towers with the prototyping orbs on Derse & Prospit. I can picture anyone not a carapace getting lost pretty quickly in this kingdom.

"ROXY: ive thought about it but ill probably never wanna live in a different kingdom

ROXY: still feel most at home around the chess guys" Aww, yeah, it's the society she grew up knowing, identical architecture included.

"JOHN: that’s about how i feel about the salamanders. JOHN: which... i realize actually makes no fucking sense." I think the Salamander Village somehow reminds John of his old town. Maybe by subconsiously equating the pipes of LOWAS to the Pipe Lake that was near his home. (Look it up if you don't know, the location of John's town really exists.)

"JOHN: they lead simple lives.

JOHN: i don’t really care for the chaos of human or troll cities." I think John longs for the suburban feel, and maybe there are a lot less suburbs on Earth C that can hold up in comparison to his old neighbourhood. Plus, the salamanders make a best effort to act like proper businessmen bringing food on the shelves and taking care of their atomic family household. It's just recognizable, to John.

"You watch Roxy smile and reach for Calliope’s hand.

> Look away before you start dwelling on it.

You start dwelling on it immediately, looking probably quite conspicuous with how quickly you whipped your gaze away. But seriously, what is up with their relationship? Is it romantic? Platonic? Can cherubs even have a romantic relationship? Are they even interested in it, like, on a fundamental level? Do their brains and hearts even work that way? Questions like this used to keep you awake at night." Ah, John, I know your the fandom avatar here, but for you to be this preoccupied with romance is weird. :P I'd figure he'd figure they were just close friends, like a good shonen anime protagonist would. I'm reminded of the events from the snaps, where Roxy & Calliope appeared to be dating, but eh. I suppose due to the snaps existing outside of canon, they're all squared off into a "choose what you want to keep from this" zone.

You look at them, at where Roxy’s fingers are entwined with Calliope’s green claws. Calliope is still wearing the Ring of Life. The same one you obtained in a ludicrous adventure through the afterlife, and then re-obtained in a ludicrous adventure through canon when it was stolen from you. It’s the same one that allowed Calliope to stop being dead in the first place, and to come live with your friends here on your beautifully renovated home planet." I've begun thinking: if John would retcon the Game Over timeline, Aranea would still be in possession of the Ring of Life. But she may not keep it, it just depends on whether removing the ring rekills her or not. If not, then that's a Chekov's Gun they'll probably need at some point.

"And it’s the same one you gave Roxy all those years ago, to fulfill a promise made to a very special new friend.

At the time, the gesture felt so important. It felt more meaningful than any gift you’d ever given. Like there was some grand emotional gravitas about it that signified something deeper than... than what it turned out to be.

You have since concluded you were just imagining things. Ascribing symbolic meaning to gestures that they simply didn’t carry, like the dumb kid you were." Yeah, Roxy x John was being hinted at pretty badly back then. I figure part of the reason John hasn't stayed in touch with her is because the feelings were, in the end, not to last or be reciprocated in full. Then again, it might have been a case of one thing leading to another - John distancing himself because he didn't know what to make of Roxy & Calliope's relationship, in turn alienating Roxy little by little.

"But you can’t stop thinking about it. What goes on in Roxy’s head. What she thinks about you.

You and all your friends have dispositions affected by your classes and aspects. You think you know what that means in your case. But what about her? You can only speculate. Void is a place where things sink and disappear. Where they linger forever, but cease to exist. You aren’t actually sure if your feelings for Roxy ever really faded, or if they just grew numb with time and distance. Is it the same for her?

You search your soul for the answer, but come up empty. The truth is, you suspect her mental interior is unfathomable. In fact, you feel sure of it.

You wonder suddenly, watching her. This version of her, that is. The one with whom you share all these bittersweet memories—will you ever see her again?" I do wonder what John's class & aspect does to his disposition, that he thinks. As for Roxy's feelings being swallowed by the Void or the workings of her mind & heart being incalculable... That is just taking an easy way out of thinking about a hard problem, in my opinion. I do however like the fact that John at least realizes that by goiAgang back into canon, he risks losing his way back here. It's good the realization didn't just came after the fact.

Again, what's HIS victory state: Dad revived, and Roxy committed to a relationship with him, if she really isn't otherwise engaged? ... I wonder if he'll seek some last minute guidance from Nannasprite (either one), before leaving, come to think of it.

"CALLIOPE: ahem." Aha! I was kind of beginning to doubt she'd even speak up. It's easy to think of Calliope as a background character in this story, but she's been an important catalyst for a lot of events. And, she or a version of her will probably still have a large role to play. Though Blaperile and I wonder how there could be another version of her, since Roxy only revived her after the events of Game Over.

"CALLIOPE: please forgive me if i come across as impatient. bUt if we are finished with the pleasantries, i believe yoU have a choice to make." I don't think the choice is: cake or cookies. Then again, it just might be, since Blaperile reminded me the choice was referred to in the epilogues summary. It'll probably get lampshaded a couple times again before it really happens, and they do seem to be picknicking right now.

CALLIOPE: the choice as to whether yoU will go defeat my brother, or stay here." Ooh, I'm glad it's a serious choice. I wonder about Calliope's stance in this matter. She hates Caliborn, also fears his powers, presumably. But she's wise enough to understand his importance to the whole of Paradox Space.

"CALLIOPE: have yoU decided yet?

JOHN: there’s a choice??" Real, capitalize-C Choices, in Sburb at least, always seem to beget two timelines, but inside an epilogue, the consequences of that would be... confusing.

"ROXY: tbh its a relief to finally be doin this

JOHN: it is?

ROXY: mm hm

JOHN: how much have you actually... talked about this? i mean, how many people knew this was going to be a thing?" ... Did EVERYONE of the players talk about this beforehand, has everyone made there peace with John possibly leaving them forgood to save their own futures? On the one hand, that would sooth John of most worry, but on the other hand... That must sting a little or a lot.

"ROXY: just us and rose. well dirk too i think" Oh, so only them and Dirk? Is it because of his powers as the Prince of Heart, that he has his own understanding of the ultimate self, by way of keeping in contact with all shards of his person in some way or another? ... Is the epilogue version of Dirk, or Brain Ghost Dirk, going to be able to use some of post-canon Dirk's knowledge in the matter, I wonder?

"ROXY: shes been talkin to me about it a bunch

ROXY: and him too but i dunno how much

ROXY: hes got like

ROXY: “thoughts” about all this shit

ROXY: but whatever thats not important or even remotely surprising

ROXY: bottom line, rose has been tormenting herself about having to tell you

ROXY: im just glad she finally said it so she can rest" Ah, so that is the main reason Rose & Roxy's latest conversations weren't more pleasant, then. Also, Dirk and Rose have always been the strategists of their respective cliques, among the humans that is.

"CALLIOPE: yes. take all the time yoU need.

CALLIOPE: again, we aren’t here to inflUence yoU. it’s very important that the decision come from yoUr desire to go throUgh with it, one way or another.

CALLIOPE: any tampering coUld taint the resUlts.

JOHN: taint the...

JOHN: wait, what?" Oh yes, John has to decide for himself, no one can just, like COMMAND him to do it through the narration or anything. :P Funny how, meta wise, indeed we can't influence John, but in-story, he's of course still getting railroaded into making a choice. There's supposed to be three options in this: fight, flight or indecision, but he's denied the last one.

This is actually one of the first times John is going to make the call for himself after being informed of the stakes. I mean that in, he's not supposed to decide on the best course of action together with someone else.

"A chill runs through you and stays there.

> Consider the gravitas of this choice.

You try, but you can’t, because you weren’t really prepared for it. You didn’t think it was a choice at all until this very second." Even if they won't influence him in word, being informed of the stakes may convince John that there is not really anything to say in favour for NOT doing this.

"You think back to the way Rose looked at you before she went to bed. What has she told Roxy that she didn’t tell you? The chill tightens around your throat and turns into fear.

No, not fear. The feeling is worse than that. It’s regret.

You wasted your time here on this idyllic restoration of Earth. Why did you spend so much time alone? Moping around the house mourning your dead father, who probably would have wanted you to get more enjoyment out of your teen years, as well as your unusually early retirement. There’s so much you could have done. You could have even reached out to Roxy again; maybe she was waiting for you to do that. Maybe your withdrawal hurt her. Maybe she was heartbroken, just like you kind of feel right now. You study her perfectly stoic face and conclude nothing from it. Her expression reminds you of how Dave used to look, when you first met for real, before years of living with Karkat softened him up. Impenetrable cool." John might get a lot of second chance out of this adventure, but it won't make up for what he and everyone else has gone through already... I'm glad John is coming back from that whole "unfathomable mental interior" idea he had. It shouldn't be that hard for him, to picture what he'd feel if he was her and had gotten the same treatment as he gave her.

"It’s too late to figure any of this out now. You fucked it up already.

Unless, of course, you choose to stay.

Upon further examination, you realize that Roxy’s stoicism isn’t cold. There’s concern there. She is displaying restraint, keeping quiet while you make up your mind. You’re sweating, you realize. Cold sweat. Even worse than the anime nightmare sweat you woke up soaked in this morning.

ROXY: john u ok?" The gravitas of the situation is fully stalking him now. At least, if he chooses to stay, I'm convinced another version of him would turn up to fill the... ahem, void. Like the version of him he met when he went back to talk to Terezi and got the scarf instructions.

Blaperile has a good point, that John for once has to form an opinion on the best course of action and stick to it, not letting himself be influenced. That kind of resolve is rare for him, after all, he's done so much relying on other people to know better.

"JOHN: ..." This is really not any responsibility John enjoys having.

"CALLIOPE: this decision is far too important to be made on an empty stomach." Oh, NOW the cake & cookies come out. :P I think John'll have to think this one over some more still, asking other people for input.

"CALLIOPE: behold, an array of savory delights for the carnally inclined.

CALLIOPE: or perhaps something for yoUr sweet tooth, if a lUst for treats is what stokes yoUr desire?" Hah, her diet's still the same then as before, meat & candy.

"You scoot to the side and peek into the basket to see if there’s anything else. There’s a book in there, but no more food. This is all there is." Might that be Rose's tome in there? It would be funny for John to only make his decision after having reread the entirety of Homestuck, as a refreshener of everything that happened to him. :P

"Your entire world narrows to a single point of light as you are utterly consumed by the overbearing decision about which of these absurd meals to have for lunch." Ah yes, not the Choice the victory state deserves John to make, but the one John needs right now.

"> MEAT or CANDY?

Meat or candy. The two possibilities pinball around your skull. Meat or candy. It’s a tough choice. On any other day you might be inclined to simply follow the whims of your cravings, but no clear victor surges to the forefront of your mind."

Hmm, there seems to be a parallel being drawn here to John's actual Choice. Is the timeline going to split over it, I wonder? ... Blaperile has a good point. Is this indication that, even in this, John will be able to pick a third option, like how the Vriska/Terezi standoff got resolved? If neither option seems to lead to an entirely satisfactory outcome, he might have to create his own terms somehow.

"Either option offers a tempting means of sustenance. You know the meat will be rich and filling, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you haven’t had the most robust diet as of late. You didn’t even have breakfast. It’s probably a good idea to eat something resembling a real meal for once." So, is MEAT in this allegory John going back into canon, kicking off a new, fulfulling adventure? And CANDY being John staying in the victory state, everything staying happy happy joy joy but ultimately not leading to anything? Then again, MEAT is bloody. The adventure won't be cleanly resolved, just like Homestuck proper had some loose ends.

"But you’re no stranger to Calliope’s tastes, as far as carnivorous comestibles are concerned. You know every cut on that plate is rare to the core. It’ll fill your mouth to bursting with juice, lie heavy on your stomach for hours to come as your body works to break down all the nutritious protein and fat." Aka Hussie tells captivating tales, that we'll need to digest for some time. We should be wary about this.

... Are we going to get a choice as readers at the end of this page? Stay or leave? (Not to be confused with the Brexit poll choices.)

... No!

This is the end of the it, for now!

"To Be Continued" Cooooooool.[/spoiler]

In all honesty, I had been spoiled on my dash that a TBC was incoming, but I didn't know when or if in the meantime the comic might have updated again.

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #reaction #homestuck liveblog #spoiler alert #upd8 #john egbert #roxy lalonde #calliope

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fortheloveofcringe · 6 years ago

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n e e d y //

I could go and write something where people would look up to me like a success story. That’s always a way to prove you’re something in the society you live in. It’s the easier choice, to make people feel like there is hope and success at the end of the dark tunnel but then people tend to overlook or push-back, the fact that there are things that happen along the road, they happen at the scariest time and moments in your life and never do these “people” who I have dealt with bother to feel it unless it needs to be felt. It’s like emotion these days has to have an on and off button. That’s scares me a lot, but then these days I’ve been thinking, being scared doesn’t do nothing to me, it just make me fight more, even after so much downfall and rejection.

Rejection, I’m going to touch bases with this one. Something I’ve dealt with my entire life. From my paternal grand parents making me feel like an abomination just because I was gay and no one in the bloodline has to be gay, or to the most fresh wound I have, which marks it’s first month today, me being single, after such a wonderful, scary and inspiring relationship with Timothy.

You know something, perhaps I’m writing this as a formal closure to that chapter in my life because for so long I have been writing about so much sad stuff in the cloud of anger that I just want to get things off my chest differently which is to address this in a way where I’m the monster, and I’m not anymore pointing my fingers to the monsters in my story. I can’t even believe I called myself a monster right just about now.

Anyway, Timothy, if you would read previous entries you might get the idea of a modern day fairy tale relationship. None of my wildest dreams per say. I adored him so much that it just hurt us both, badly. To cut the long story short. He just never needed me the way I needed him. It sucks. To just throw dreams of having a bright future with someone out of the window just because it hurts your eyes and you want to do a reality check but I guess that’s why we have sunglasses, they say it protects the eyes. I never realized some eyeglasses are fake and just do nothing but leave marks on your nose.

Needy. I’m needy. I’ve been crying and going crazy for weeks now. This has been such a wild ride with him that looking back now I just feel like everything we had was just from a book. A Novel, a fictional one. I wish him the best however it just makes me feel a certain way knowing I have suffered more than he did. It’s like all the entire time I believe he had some reservations about us and he knew we are not going to work out and a few puzzle pieces come into my mind to support this claim. One, he never formally introduced me to his family because I think he never wanted them involved when it all crashes down unlike mine where my family had known him and are angry and tears knowing I almost tore my relationships with them just to have Timothy by my side. Two, being with him, despite the care and the love, felt like a love prison, for both of us. What I mean is I felt like he was just faking it to make sure he complied with the “ideal boyfriend” persona he describes himself as because there are moments when he had rolled his eyes at me to the back of his skull thinking “Hambert is not really worth it”. Three, and last, in support of number two, He admitted he wanted someone else. Not me. I’m glad I had so much time to make sure I have figure out the science of persuasion that I figured out a way to make him spill the truth to me and I have to say it was fucked up. Imagine being with a person beside you while his mind is off sucking someone else’s dick. That felt like boiling water in my freshly healed heart. Because I think breaking up is fine, sure some relationships need a time-off, but to know who’s replacing you? that’s just fucked up.

This is where I got really and intensely angry at him that I made sure we really would hate each other after the end because my good side tried to patch things up with him even though it made me look so desperate running through their doors just to give him a movie or something so he wouldn’t be wasting time or whatever, but the bad side of me just wanted to get even so I made sure that I did some stupid things that actually, in the end, bought me peace of mind and of course some insights to process my pain.

I met his the girl he dated before me. Which he just ghosted. I did that to catch his attention which ended up me having blocked by him on social media. My point of meeting this girl, besides my petty brain, was to make sure I erase this picture of him that I painted in my head, which was a handsome prince who picked roses for me every morning just to make sure I don’t dance in stems of thorns. Timothy was such a great man that he also made sure I would feel like nobody would care for me the way he cared. Which was debugged when I and Venus, the ex of my ex, had lunch over spaghetti, taco’s and the dick we both had in our mouths (and by dick we mean by attitude or literally, whichever comes first to your mind) When we talked I realized he has a cruel way of making sure you wouldn’t compare him to anyone. And the way he twisted their story to me, because when we spoke I realized Tim was such a liar he had to make her look thirsty for him and no woman should be painted that way, ever. That conversation I believe healed us both in a way were now, we’re friends and shit-talking about a guy full of shit which basically catered to what I want which was to make sure all of the good pictures in my head was crossed check for what is the actuality of who he was. In that moment me and Venus realized we were both used as a gateway for his lust to a guy named Gwen. I can’t call it love because I’m sure Tim has not have the opportunity to connect with Gwen on a deeper level so fuck fake smiles here, people.

Who I thought was the man, that I’m willing to go through with all the hardships in my life, who would support me, and help me grow, turned to be a complete poser. This was hard for me because I know him in way that not Venus knows and I know very well that he’s a broken soul, but there is no rational reason to justify his pain to be carried over to his present life knowing well that he is old enough to fuck us both, and for him to be running around and break the hearts of people who loves him.

What also bothered me was the fact tat he was just so ready to move on to the next page of his life which was by trajectory, was Gwen, and that he never muttered a word that would have potentially brought us back together. He was just so “Please I need new dick in my mouth I’m bored of you because you’re a pain in the ass”.

Pain in the ass was also one thing that he couldn’t handle. He never wanted anal with me. Now, I don’t know why but I have a strong feeling that would have it been Gwen to offer to top him, I’m sure he’d squat in less than a second. Forgive my bitterness overflowing in each word here, if you’ve been in so much pain, you might understand.

The world isn’t big enough because this Gwen guy is a close friend of my friend Argie. Now long story short Gwen doesn’t do boys, or so he claims. Tim got dumped and now it’s a double whammy for our pretty boy Tim who thinks everyone is gonna drool for him. I hate him though. That Gwen guy, he haven’t done no shit. I can’t like him because he’s the friend of my friend and I know it’s not his fault, but sometimes disliking people just don’t need to be justified, we just feel the way we feel.

I hate knowing he was my replacement just in case he was into boys because he’s manly, skinnier and lanky (as Tim admitted he like those kind of boys, one where he could pose as a pedophile) short, and it makes me more bitter going to work everyday passing their 3-story house making it feel like a slap to me for coming from a poor family. It was like “Hambert, your replacement is a handsome, skinny guy whose rich and that’s what our high maintenance Tim boy wants, bye, you deserve to be left, so sorry but not sorry, go ahead and die.”

Got a chance to talk to him though and I think he’s smart from staying off the dirt because I would drag him in the mud with Tim on top of him so they could finally get to fuck one another for making me and Venus shed tears.

Let me tell you one thing though. And this is fucked up. I still love him.

I still feel his kisses on my lips. His face in my chest. The scent of his hair or his subtle way of putting his nose on my shoulders in the jeep. This is what breaks me to tears like right now. Because knowing I can’t have that anymore. It’s feels like death and I’ve had a fair share of losing people and tragedies from living so poor, not eating to being accused of wrong things, to be bullied in work or having my grandmother die while I’m carrying her to the hospital or maybe even growing up without a father, but I think this has been the greatest pain I’ve dealt with. To be in tears because of love.

And I can go ahead and make stories about how I successfully dodged a bullet. But to be fair, I know that in those nights I spent with with him, the love we shared, I know he’s the love of my life and there could never be anyone. Because now I’m scared to be loved and be in love. I can’t embrace something that broke me.

I’m now employed ans still studying. Things seem fine. I’m walking on a fire pit but I’m still alive.

However if there is one more song we can bond over, just one last, I wish I can sing Ariana’s “Needy” to him. Just to make him understand. How good it feels to be needed.

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blaperile · 6 years ago

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Homestuck Epilogue(s) - Prologue (page 3)

#Homestuck #The Homestuck Epilogues #reaction #John #Roxy #Calliope

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

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i have a feeling that i broke up with him.

i could just be reading it the wrong way but i also kind of thought i read it the wrong way last night.

theres no denying he was upset. he was definitely upset. i asked him outright, “what does all of this mean?” and he replied “i dont know”.

i thought that was strange. i thought if i were in his shoes and i was fed up then this would be the opportunity to break up entirely. i wouldnt say i dont know. i’d be like is it not clear enough. i’m not doing this anymore with you. whatever we are ceases to be now. i asked outright - what does all of this mean. why am i getting this rant. am i getting it because this is your end speech or because you want to rant and get it off your chest.

“i dont know”.

honestly i have done this before. and the last time meant i want to try something different and realize this is better. i dont know is poison and toxic and unfair. i should not be strung along.

he said he wanted to be left alone. he needed space. but im tired of this relationship as it is. i cannot continue this and not seriously damage my soul. he felt i wasnt listening to him, that i was making excuses for my bad attitude that makes him feel bad. that things hadnt changed in two years and he wanted space and then he hung up.

its very hard to gauge whether or not this meant an absolution. like space meant forever and we’d never be together again. this wasnt what was said. this is what i felt was implied. i dont know if im right or wrong because the actual words did not really confirm one way or another.

but this was enough for me. it didnt really matter if he was actually done becaue at that moment i had decided i was done.

and i unleashed a rant that has never been spoken of before by me because it is the number one thing i have kept inside for literally two years. this is “the secret”. this is the thing he has never known or understood to any capacity and has no idea the affect it has on my mental heath.

thats not to say he is at fault for my depression. i made a concious consenting decision to be apart of a relationship i knew was struggling to meet my actual wants and needs in life. i dont know if i ever fully believed that it could but i sincerely wanted it to. like nothing more i wanted was for this to work out an i was willing to live in a more alternative kind of way for him.

but at every single turn, at every single point this was ever brought up it continually dashed my hopes at a legitimate stable future with him. and nothing else was ever openly spoken about. i wa never apart of the conversation. other people were more apart of the future than i was. i was just a fly on the wall. i felt like a fly on the wall, i felt really insignificant and i allowed him to say things to me that were absolutely wrong and disgusting for any person in a relationship to say to someone else.

i acted on pure instinct and let it go; i aske him why he would ask me to follow him. why would he continue a relationship that had no future. why does he say things during sex that dont relate to the actual life i have with him and why doesnt he understand that this has sent mixed messages for two years. why cant he see the ony thing ive consistently said i wanted was a life with someone. i wanted a future with someone. i wanted to be with someone. i wanted a fucking reason to live within my own desires for life. and he never gave me that because all he gave me was money and he doesnt even see whats happening because hes too busy trying to get something back for all the money hes put out. its like he is where he is right now because he has all these arbitrary rules eeryone hs to follow in order to interact with him and their reward is a mediorce friendship where they still hve to follow all the rules to maintain it. its completely unfair when ive given him nothing but love and respect and i just hated myself enough to follow these bullshit rules without saying anything until now.

and then i stopped. it was a blast of seven or so short messages - no long rants or over explaination. just straight forward completely plain and simple. i spent a long time writing 50 pages that in reality didnt sum up what i was able to in these messages but maybe i needed to write 50 pages to be able to sum it up. i bn a way, i didnt even need a response. this was just for me after two years of holding back an sayng nothing - this was an ending for me. i gave him two years of my dedicated love and affection and loyalty and support. this is what i wanted in return. i just needed to say it.

and i wouldve sat on it as that for the next few days. i sat down afterwards upset that i was involved in a conflict at all but not upset about the ending of this era. to be fair to the randomness of life, i wont say its an end to the relationship or a relationship with him because who knows but its certainly an end of this era of keeping this huge secret that affected the entire way the relationship played out. but its not like this really bad secret. its not me trying to harm him. my secret was that i loved him so much i wanted to be with him for 10 - 20 years and i wanted to be in his life and do things with him and become a better person with him and for him and for myself. but i knew he didnt want that. he said it multiple times. but we stil ended up at two years in a solid relationship together. a solid relationship tht had literally no future from the moment it started. and that’s really, really hard. i blame neither of us. we were really excellent to each other in this relationship by most standards. we had very little complaints about each other and the ones we had kind of remained consistent from the time we met each other. and neither of us changed these traits. but how do you give p something that kind of does work for the most part? like my laptop is pretty shit but im not tring to throw it out because it still works in most aspects. it just has some quirks that piss me off.

but non-commitment is not a quirk. its a really big deal. its a really big deal to put two years of your life into someone and not see a future or want a future with them throughout the whole thing.

i figured he wouldnt reply at all. a few hours went by before he replied “im sorry. i guess we’ll see if the future will prove your theory” and then “good night. you do not get to harass me because you’re upset.”

at the time i quickly read this as a sort of passive aggressiveness. like “oh, i’mmmm sorrrrryyy you feel this way but whatever fuck you.” i got angry again. i didnt know why he was replying and why this reply was so ambiguous and mentioned nothing in regards to what i said. why reply at all? two hours later? about harassing him? that really makes no sense when i sent an appropriate number of messages nd then stopped within probaby less than fifteen minutes. it wasnt like i spammed him with non sense, i simply texted in a way i would anyone else and didnt stick to his format of how to text him. but again - why reply at all?

i told him if he wanted to belittle my actual thoughts to just me harassing him thats up to him but i was good on talking to him tonight. he replied, “i dont want to speak anymore.”

to which i replied of course because ive pulled the blanket off of this whole thing. he knows that i know that this is bullshit, he knows that i want more and have said i wanted more and hes continued to act the way he does and say the things he does with nothing behind it. of course he doesnt want to speak anymore to answer to any of this. hes too insecure to admit that he had a hand in the failure of this and wants to blame it on me.

i stopped after ten minutes or so. its not like constant messages ten minutes straight but it took me ten minutes to fully type out and send the three or four messages it took to express myself. it wasnt like an hour of my time dedicated to doing this.

but then i kind of read back on it. and it is ambiguous. its very much still in the lines of “i dont know.” because he chose not to attack me or what i said. he could decide he just oesnt have the time to care about it anymore. that hes not going to dignify it with a response. but why acknowledge it. why say something like “im sorry.”. was he sarcastically replying like lets see if youre right and if so - how does that apply to what i actually said? is that in regards to the idea that i believe what i need is having someone in my life? i didnt really insult him - the worst i said was about his arbitrary rules.

and “i dont want to speak anymore”. i sound crazy because he makes people sound crazy on purpose. but ive explained it that i know im being played, i know this is a game and i never want to play it again, ever. i’m ending the game once and for all - either the game stops and we have a future together or the game stops and we dont. either way the game is stopping. he did not say “i dont want to speak to YOU anymore”. it souns crazy. it sounds like im reading into it but i have not been wrong before. and this is not because i want to be with him as is. i dont. my assumption is things are not changing and this is the end times or i would not have said what i said. i would PREFER closure. i would much rather have him outright say “i cannot have a life with you, i dont see myself with you in the future, i may or may not love you but i am going to live a different life.”

and to be fair, i deserve that closure.

“im sorry. only the future can prove your theory”

“good night. you do not get to harass me because youre upset”

“i dont want to speak anymore.”

the only thing he neede to say was “i’m done. i’m no longer going to be apart of this. no relationship, no future.”

what is my theory? my theory is that he had no plans for me in his future. that he has never truly had plans and hs never spoken openly about having a future with me but he’s been more than capable of making future plans with others. and a good portion of the reason why he refuses to make any plans is due to not following his arbitrary rules to be his friend. thats my theory. hes depressed because he puts these rules on every single person in his life and ive hated myself eough to follow them knowing it was outlandish. but when you dont follow the rules its a real insult to him an you dont care and youre being inconsiderate of him and what he wants in this.

my theory is that im extremely unhappy doing this. im extremely unhappy getting money without love. without a future. he truly made this into a 2 year prostitution. and he somehow sells this to me as him just feeling bad you know. he felt too bad to do it because things always come up and he cant talk about being upset. so two years of prostitution was a much better solution.

so how can the future prove this theory? how can it prove that he had no plans for me in his future? that cannot be proven unless you DO have plans. unless i am actually apart of the plans. to apologize is to acknowledge that im not wrong. that what im saying is true belief and that i didnt pull this out of my ass and im not making an excuse for it. i was sold, continually, on something that was never provided. empty things were said. this is truly heartbreaking. to say im sorry is to say that im not wrong to feel this way.

of course he feels “harassed”. its all he can do in response to this. hes not going to get into it now - he cant just fall back on how he feels about my attitude and hes not secure enough to take his part of the blame. he has to tell me im harassing him, that he believes im upset.

and its so easy to read “im not speaking anymore” as a fuck you. it really is. but when you put it into this context - that i attacked him, that i’m now clearly incredibly upset about something that is very much of a reality in our relationship and has been for a long time - to say “i dont want to speak anymore” could very well be more like “im not going to speak anymore”. that he knows im upset and hes not going to fuel it any further. that he knows hes gotten himself into this by talking a lot of shit before this so speaking even more isnt going to solve it.

but by all means i could be wrong. i could be completely wrong and its just me assuming we’re still in this game when he’s already left it. i dont know. we love each other a lot, i honestly believe that, and neither of us has done anything at all to eachother in two years that was malicious or mean. everything that comes up is in regards to how someone is dealing with whatever is going on. we dont have bad feelings about each other.

since it was my birthday i ignored his rules further and sent a final three messages before midnight. i think as my anger subsided from being attacked, i began to realize that he might not have been as on the defensive as i believed him to be. so i softened a bit - not that i wanted to “get him back”. i dont really want him as is. i love him but fuck man its tooooo painful. instead i just explained much more calmly that i was really disappointed and heartbroken and all i ever told him was that i wanted a family and to share a life with someone. i screamed this at him because its all i want in life and i live in a way with him where its dangled in front of me all the time but its not actually there and it kills me because i love him and i want to be with him and i want to have that life with him and i dont need luxuries and i would follow him. but this has weighed so heavily on my depression when my depression is feeling alone and isolated in the world. i could have put the effort into someone who wouldnt leave me in two years because im frustrated they dont really want to be with me but are still fucking with me. you couldve let me find happiness somewhere else but you didnt.

i told him i would never think of him as a bad guy or abusive. i dont think is shittier traits equate abuse. i would never sell that idea to anyone else so i can be more of a victim or something. he wasnt a bad guy and he certainly was not abusive. but he can be controlling and manipulative. these are not star qualities and do as much damage as someone having to cre for someone else with depression. i think we are both equally responsible for the hurt in this relationship but i have no resentment or feeling of needing to be vindicated. i took responsibility for my own actions - not speaking up sooner or being more straight forward when this was affecting pretty much everything.

this morning i woke up feeling uneasy. i realize now its because i didnt get closure. it wasnt a real breakup. i didnt have any plans to get my stuff back. i have his skates and his mothers skates. he has extremely sentimental items to me that are only there because of an empty promise he made and never fulfilled. the game continues. he knows my part of the game is to return everything. he knows i want a clean break. i want to be told “im not doing this anymore, i will drop off your things at such and such time and im not interested in having further discussions with you about the relationship”. the return of things is a sign of respect and also not to further the issue along. i dont want to see you in a month to collect shit from a former relationship. i want to come tomorrow, get my shit and forget you exist. im doing yu the same favor. why prolong it.

so i decied to make the super extreme cold trek to his house but it was good. i really needed to take a walk and get fresh air and it was super cold but i didnt freeze. i collected some of the things i borrowed from him but i returned some thngs that were kind of just momentos of the relationship. and that was my own manipulation tactic. i really want to double down on the fact that in my mind he has already ended the relationship and i am sooo hurt and feel sooo badly/strongly about the whole thing. i returned a picture. ive kept the picture for almost the whole relationshp through various moves. ive lost keys and wallets and cellphones in the time of having this picture and its a really nice picture of us but man is it painful as fuck to look at it. i certainly dont want it when this relationship was built on a two year farce.

i returned flowers - which is funny but dried flowers i kept when he bought me flowers. because in such manipulation tactic i want him to know that he and this was of such importance to me that i kept dried flowers he bought me. i returned something he never owned or even bought or would maybe even understand why i would give it to him. i bought / made a necklace over christmas that had our birthstones in it. i dont know why. it was like the one hopeless romantic thing ive done in my life. i returned that because im pissed. he literally had no idea probaby that this necklace existed. but im pissed and the only gesture appropriate eough to express the level of heartbroken anger i have is to return a necklace i made that he didnt even know existed. its not even returning. i gave him a necklace. i gave him back a book i borrowed from him like.. three months into dating. i returned the last sweater i borrowed that i have in my possession.

as a whole this symbolizes that at this moment, i no longer have things to return. i am not keeping things as a romantic gesture. i am literally giving him everything back. his mind, his peace, his material posessions and the “love” that he’s provided to me. i am giving him back, with all of these things, the piece of his heart he gave to me. it was very small but im really just going to return it as unharmed as possible.

but i shifted control and put the ball back in his court. i was “expected” to “give him space”. i always am. but i can give you space forever if you just return my things, you know? like dont let me sit here wondering when the guy who refuses to alk to me might give me one of the few posessions i have thats a family relic. thats really fucked up. you can end it completely and have all of the space in the world. and he’ll make excuses either way - he’ll bide time until he wants to deal with it because he can do what he wants or he’ll bide time to let everything simmer down to try and reignite something.

i messaged him a final time - well for me at least, for the next day or so. i personally really honestly got everything out i would need or want to say to him. i have no more questions. this is it. this is the most IT of all the things. everthing else is meaningless. i even went to insult him our of pure anger and in anger deleted it because thats not even my problem. i dont need to insult him to make him feel bad my objective is not to make him feel bad but for him to fucking understand once and for all that he ignored every single request i ever made for what i actually needed to feel content in my life. he took up space that someone else could have been in that actually wanted to be with me long term. and to what end? that was my question. TO WHAT END DID ALL OF THIS HAPPEN? WHY? why would someone put themselves through this with zero commitment and then become frustrated after playing like they were committed for two years? you cannot brush off ther seriousness of it being so long now. its not a fling. we both made choices. i am telling you why i made mine. i am telling you that i “knew” you were not going to give me what i want and i continued to consent to being in a relationship with no fucking future because i loved you. why the fuck did you do it when you werent getting what you fully wanted either? was this all just a game? a way to pass the time? an inconvient time? did he just pity me? did he use me? why did we go an entire two years when my depression caused by feeling isolated and unloved because i lived on the sidelines of the life of a person i spent the majority of my time with was making me feel sooo jaded and bitter at times that i sat completely frustrated or got into arguments where im sobbing about wanting a family like an after school special? i KNOW thats stressful. i GET IT. but WHAT ABOUT THE CAUSE? im not just freaking out to freak out. all these little things throw into question any legitimacy of a fuuture with him and hes spent two months talking about leaving and im not even remotely involved and he wonders why i have a bad attitude towards him? he wonders why i wont take his advice outright? all you’re doing is telling me whats wrong with me and leaving. you’re essentially a troll. the only way your words have any true impact is if you’re apart of my actual life. not right now. not just in the now the current day. but my lifetime, like a legitimate care and deep understanding of who i am and what ive been through with an unconditional love and forgiveness for failures and missteps. you want me to become better because you want to watch me become better, you want to see me alleviate my suffering, not because you’re scared and feel obligated like i’m a homeless person sitting on your front step.

this is all i want to know. and i may not get an exact answer as to why it happened. but i will get an exact answer to whether he believed/s there was/is a future together for us. ive made it so easy not to commit in any certain way. but now it cannot continue in any fashion without a commitment to a future. i dont want to be on my life journey with someone whos not even sure if theyll be there. like every corner they might take another road. thats so much instability its weighed so fucking heavy on me like the only thing i want is this and its not happening.

if he replies to my message today or makes an effort to return my things today then i know hes moving forward without me. it means hes definitely not dealing any further and hes removing all reason to contact him further. if he does not contact me today it means that all of this is so heavy and so painful for him that he cannot deal and hes not sure what he wants or how he wants to deal with it so hes not going to touch it right now. it means hes not ready to remove reason to contact him. he wants the chance to keep this going to a point where he can make a decision.

i made it very clear i just wanted the sentimental items. this is what would weigh on me the most from here and they were very important. i manipulatively mentioned that i had not cheated on him or called the cops on him for no reason to further distance myself from the idea that i was somehow like his exs. seriously. i am sad because i am isolated. i am isolated because of him. without him i would meet new and different people who may or may not help me further my life but he has made even new friendships hard on me. he wanted all of my attention and love and care and i wanted to give it to him and then he wouldnt want it but then want it again and im just so tired. im not a bad person. im fucking sad and lonely. i could be fulfilled by him but he wont give it to me.

i told him we could have a conversation if he wanted to but my assumption woul be that he did not want to. i was giving him the option to be peaceful about it. to just end it copacetically so we could hide and lick our wounds seperately in private. his silence would speak so much more to me than words in this situation because i would know he was very much done. but im not going to shut down communication. im going to leave it open for him and let him know that he still has the door shut on his side.

if he doesnt message me back today im going to message him again tomorrow and essentially repeat that i would like to make a plan to have this returned to me asap. and that im also still genuinely just hurt but have no reason myself to continue trying to make something out of this that was never going to be. hes had two years to decide if he would want me in his future, it shouldnt take longer than two days to reply to ending it.

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redvelvetvenom-blog · 8 years ago

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the only thing i could be jealous of you for is your is your 10k fake tits

some days it hurts more than others but today it hurts more than anything to write, i dont want to do it/ todays like one of those days where i dont feel like myself. but today is also one of the first days this year that i have woken up and known what day of the week it is. todays also one of the first days i was productive. yeah, i cant believe it. actually i can. i mean look where i am. writing is the only way i can communicate effectively with people... when im talking i feel like im always searching for words or saying to much or not saying how i really feel. i feel like im annoying the person which honestly i dont really care about but in relationships where it matters i usually just isolate myself and ignore them because the thought of being misunderstood which is my reality scares me to death and makes me furious and just give up. i havent been writing and i feel like my brain is in this disgusting knot i dont recognize. im focused on irrelevant shit like jen and her lies and my nails and bleaching my asshole (actually that one is important) and making peter not think im 12, and stewart losing interest in me, when im completely apathetic about my future and my physical and mental heath and making friends or having a job. its gross. i am gross. although i am the most attractive i have ever been i am also the most ugly and un put together on the inside as ihave ever been. its funny cause a year ago when i was writing and also dealing with a lot of loss, and going for days without sleep, dealing with my rape (more than one unfortunelty), and completely losing it due to the dope, i was somehow okay because i was writing. its like my own self medication. without writing my thoughts, its like i cant speak or think. and so maybe that sounds stupid but i cant explain how good it feels, as scary as it was to start, to speak again. i was so scared. i wouldnt admit it to myself, i just would ignore it all together. but i was so fucking scared to write, to type to be more specific. i could write in my diary, that would be slow and my hand would hurt and id NEVER be able to catch up to my thoughts. and thats been this whole year. its been a whole year. tina is a bully. i dont like her, but i feel like i cant live without her, and being an ex heroin addict, i feel pretty stupid saying that. but i am not a functional drug addict. some people are. infact, most people on here tumblr, “tumblr tweaker girls” or whatever or hashtag tweaker nation seem like they are doing more than just fine. like it hasnt completely destroyed their life like it has mine. but its funny because i was one. atleast until some dude decided to start blackmailing me because he found my page but he is irrelavant and so is that and not worth my time to talk about. moral of the story: dont bitch if you post videos on tumblr of you smoking meth in your bra. its not private, even if your tumblr is. anyone can figure out how to get the software to download your videos or pictures or whatever. well besides the obvious screenshot. anyways, ive come to the long and painful but unavoidable conclusion that stewart is not worth my time and wasnt since he moved up there. i should have never talked to him after the car incident because as much as i love him and it hurts, that was not fucking acceptable and me doing meth isnt an excuse for him to take it personally and lash out on me or punish me by pretending i dont exist. i just had so much happen and with all of that came low self esteem and with all the lies i was telling it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to feel good about myself. i guess it comes with borderline personality disorder but all that shit is nonsense to me because theyre going to find anything they can wrong with people and slap a name on it and then tell you your not normal. everyones fucked up, i am extremely fucked up and im okay with that. i cant understand it all now, fuck im only 20. up until this year i was ashamed of everything i did and everything that made me who i am, and its so hard to break out of that. in all honesty, i still dont really believe i am beautiful with or without makeup and thats fucking not true but i am insecure. but in the grand scheme of things, life is way to short to feel bad about yourself the way i do. i know that. life is to short to be in a haze trying to forget about everything and going through the motions, as lame as that sounds. ive been doing that and ive been waiting to die subcontiously because the truth is i dont really value my life like i should and i havent learned how to be happy on my own. i am the most materialistic person i know, and that unlike everything else i am not ashamed of because i know that it is so far rooted me that theres no use in denying it or being embarrassed because its not my fault, its the only way i know how to feel better. its always been. but the fact that i constantly feel like i need something to fill this hole is getting ridiculous and so is my shoplifting. i am way to fucking good at it and i have gotten away with it to many times to where its become my biggest addiction. i didnt really even notice it till a few months ago. ive noticed that everyone who does dope has a hustle, well almost everyone. atleast of the people i know. some of them are stupid, others are brilliant but not thought out as well as they could be or excecuted in the right manner, and some are like the expected, selling drugs or your pussy. i kind of am ashamed because my “hustle” is retarded, and i want a job more than anything. unfortunately my social security card has been stolen 3 times already this year and i cant get another one, i cant even dance. i dont know how it started, but for about a year now, ive just been living off whoever i could, and the bare minimum. bare minimum is a broad term, because somehow i still have a car and a cat and expensive makeup, an iphone 7,hair products and my drug habbit supplied, but i dont know for how long. ok. honestly time. i dont like it anymore than i like the fact that i am a slave to this chemical but i have spent the last year filling my days with going from store to store stealing shit. anything from iphone cases to shoes to greeting cards to lingerie, you get it. ive gone into several stores and filled up my shopping cart and then just walked out. im not bragging.. its pathetic. in fact im sure no one is reading this anyway and im more than okay with that. the point of this page is for me and to be able to keep a record of my thoughts without having to worry about anyone i know reading it and so i can go back and read it, like an online diary. i got the idea from jenna from awkward but im not sure what she used for hers. i used to have one but had to delete my page because of all the drug related pictures and videos i had posted of myself, which unfortunately i can still find on youtube or here if i really try. i am ashamed, but a little less then before i wrote all of this. this is my truth. and my voice and my last little shred of sanity i have to cling onto because its the only way i know how and i dont even feel like i know or trust myself anymore. if you dont want to read this then please dont waste your time, the less followers the more i can make sense of this war inside my mind.. also please no messages trying to help me or anything, its annoying and i dont need your help. thanks, its 9am and im passing the fuck out. goodnight. more for nxt time <3 bbygrlldz

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