#but ive never felt so confident in both myself nor have i ever had so much trust in myself

[odetolovers]

truly obsessed with how much i’ve been discovering my self worth recently

[floralseokjin]

⤑ made-up love song vii (m).

Your first encounter with Kim Seokjin doesn’t go so well, nor your second, or your third… and maybe that’s because it shouldn’t work on paper. You’re an elementary school teacher, never left the country despite hitting the third decade of your life not so long ago, and you’re unable to remember the last time you dated. He’s the dad of one of your students, nearly a decade older than you and divorced. Oh yes, and just another minor detail – he’s a multimillionaire. 

Your lives are lightyears apart, yet somehow, your paths having now crossed, things just seem to fall into place…

pairing; kim seokjin x reader   au/genre/warnings; strangers to lovers, romance, single dad! seokjin, ceo! seokjin, elementary school teacher! oc, age gap (oc is 30, seokjin is 37), seokjin is a dilf, smut; includes jacuzzi (oral) sex, outdoor sex, the angst/drama comes knocking!  words; 8,336

↪︎ chapter index

chapters; i • ii • iii  • iv • v • vi • vii • viii • ix • x • epilogue (+ drabbles)

A few days after Arin’s birthday party school started back, and just as you’d known you got incredibly busy, incredibly fast. With admin and getting to know your new students you found that you were too distracted to dwell on all the things that had been worrying you. Yes, it was strange not being able to see Seokjin practically whenever you wanted, and yes, you missed him – and the summer, but with work so hectic it cushioned the blow. You didn’t have time to live inside your own head or get sad about stupid, tiny things. 

Letting the school know about your relationship wasn’t mandatory now that you weren’t Arin’s teacher, but you felt better for it, meeting with Hoseok one morning to inform him. Eunbi already knew, being quite a close a friend to you, and slowly, over the next few days you let some of the other teachers you were friendly with know too. You found it quite exciting. You’d been single for such a long time so finding yourself in conversations about your boyfriend filled you with a happiness you weren’t quite used to. You liked talking about Seokjin, bigging him up, some could call it bragging… He’d even very kindly donated money for a new playground to be built in the kindergarten area. He wanted to help Primrose Hill any which way he could. It meant a lot to you and his daughter. 

It only took around three weeks to get yourself into a routine. For both of you to find a rhythm and make it work well. Your lunch break wasn’t long enough for you to zip to Seokjin’s office and join him so he always made an effort to come to you. Sometimes you’d eat in his car, sometimes yours, or sometimes you’d meet in a small café near the school. You cherished that short time together because sometimes that’s all you could have. Depending on how busy you both were you often couldn’t spend time together in the evenings. You tried to at least once in the week, but weekends were reserved for things like spending the night. 

It was Tuesday today and you somehow had a night free from lesson planning which meant you could join Seokjin and Arin for dinner. You were glad really, because Seokjin had been stressed since yesterday and you hadn’t had a chance to see him properly. He had to go away on last minute business this weekend but it coincided with Misook’s family vacation. He’d asked Nana if Arin could stay with her this weekend but she was busy too. He didn’t know what to do, other than try and postpone the trip. Key word: try. 

Misook had left for the day just as you were arriving, Arin in her room, too busy playing on the Nintendo Switch she’d gotten from Nana for her birthday, so it gave you some brief time alone with Seokjin. You were shocked to see him still in his suit, sat in contemplation alone in the family room. Oh, boy. You hated seeing him so stressed. He was never one to mope or even show his mood. You knew him well enough by now to be able to tell when he was drained, but he still didn’t let it affect him too much, always smiling, always joking around. This evening was different. He’d barely said a few sentences, mostly it involved apologising for his bad mood. He felt selfish, not being much company, yet still needing yours. He had nothing to be sorry for, you reassured, resting your head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around you, holding you close. You reached for his hand, and there you stayed like that for a little while, fingers laced together. 

Arin made her way in soon enough, stomach rumbling, a hopeful lilt to her voice as she walked over to you both, hands behind her back. “Can we have pizza for dinner?”

Seokjin shifted, unlacing your fingers and dropping his arm from your shoulders as you both sat up straighter. “Didn’t we have that yesterday, Arin?”

Arin didn’t miss. She was a professional. “But Y/N wasn’t here yesterday. She missed out.” 

Her comeback even managed to draw a quiet chuckle out of her dad. “We’re not having pizza, sweetie.” 

She sighed softly, crossing her arms around her chest as she looked your way. “Daddy is moody today.” 

You raised an eyebrow, your mouth unable to stop quirking up in amusement. “He is?”

“Why do you say that?” Seokjin asked. His tone was light, but you could tell by his frown lines her casual words had him worrying. 

“I heard you on the phone this morning to mommy. There’s no one to look after me when you go away this weekend and she can’t do it.” 

Seokjin faltered, not expecting such a frank answer. He composed himself quickly. “She’s just really busy, Arin. She wanted to look after you, she just couldn’t this time.” 

“I know,” she replied simply, nodding her head. 

There was a beat of silence and then Seokjin reached for her, kissing her cheek, his voice quiet with apology. “I’m sorry. Was I really moody today?” He looked unsurely your way too. 

“Uh huh. You hardly smiled, and when I tried telling you about the field trip I’m going on next week you weren’t even listening properly.” Arin’s small voice filled with such attitude was comical. 

Seokjin chuckled. “Daddy’s really sorry. I’m smiling now, though, right?” Arin nodded. “And if you’re kind enough, you can tell me about your trip again over dinner. Is that okay?” 

“Hmm.” She thought allowed. “So can we get pizza?”

Seokjin snorted. “Nice try, young lady. It’s still a no.” 

.

.

Seokjin ordered from one of his favourite restaurants, helping you set the table as Arin went to check on her rabbits. You ate together, listening as Arin spoke all about her upcoming field trip, finally having her father’s undivided (and interested) attention. However, halfway in, she completely changed the topic, throwing you both. 

“Can’t I stay with Y/N this weekend?” 

“Hm?” Seokjin looked over at her, visibly surprised. 

You swallowed what was left in your mouth just as Arin’s eyes found yours.  “I can just stay with you while daddy has to go away.” Your lips parted, trying to think of something to say, your years of teacher training falling short. 

Seokjin beat you to it. “No, no, sweetie,” he shook his head, sounded a little flustered, taken by surprise. “Y/N will probably be busy on the weekend. That’s her only free time, she can’t look after you.” 

With a small shrug, she put her fork to her mouth. “It was just a thought.” 

Seokjin looked over at you, expression apologetic as he mouthed sorry. 

.

.

Hey, listen…” You began, feeling oddly nervous as you looked up at your boyfriend. It was a couple of hours later, Arin was in bed, time was getting on, you had to leave soon, but cuddled up against him, both curled up on the sofa as you watched mindless television, you really didn’t want to go anywhere. Seokjin had relaxed a little by now (the wonders of food), but you could still tell his mind was exhausted as his gaze fell on yours. You took a breath, deeper than intended, psyching yourself up. “I really don’t mind looking after Arin this weekend.” 

You didn’t miss the way his eyes widened a tad, obviously taken by surprise, but then his mouth lifted at the side, his head shaking from side to side lightly as he let out a breathy chuckle. “Y/N, don’t feel like you have to just because she brought it up.” 

You found yourself relaxing. He didn’t want you to feel obligated. You’d thought so, but the teeniest tiniest most worrisome part of your brain had thought he might now have wanted, or trusted you, to look after Arin. That wasn’t the case. You could tell by the look on his face. He didn’t want to put you out, ask too much of you. 

You moved and straightened your back, eye to eye now. “No, I honestly don’t mind at all, Seokjin.” You reassured, talking faster as you noticed him open his mouth. “Seeing as Arin was the one who suggested it, I guess she’s fine with the idea. I…” Hesitating, you added something else. “I wanted to suggest it myself but… If she’s comfortable with it, I’d love to.” 

It was the truth. Ever since Seokjin had called you at lunch time, telling you Nana couldn’t manage this weekend, you’d wanted to tell him you were up for it but something had stopped you. Even as he’d tried to think of options this evening – maybe his mom could stay for the weekend, his aunt – you’d held back and bitten your tongue. What if you were pushing boundaries? Inserting yourself into situations that didn’t concern you? Arin liked you, yes,   but being entirely in your care for 48 hours was different. She might not want to, she might feel uncomfortable. However knowing that it wasn’t the case, suggesting it herself so casually over dinner had given you the confidence to push through. Seokjin needn’t be worried about asking too much of you. 

Regarding you silently, he considered your words. Lovingly, you glided your hand up his arm, reaching out for his cheek. He pressed into your touch automatically. “I want to help you out.” At that, he smiled gently, lips turning up in a way that rounded his cheeks, making him appear at least a decade younger. It was wholly unfair. 

Turning slightly, his lips grazed your palm. “I’ll ask her about it in the morning.” You grinned, visibly pleased, and Seokjin took your hand to tug you gently to his chest. This time he placed a kiss on your mouth, humming happily. “Thank you.” 

Arin was more than happy about it. Seokjin suggested you stay at his home for the weekend, seeing as that would be easier for the both of you, but she was pretty adamant she wanted to stay at your place. You understood, kid’s curiosity and all. She wanted to know what your home looked like, she wanted to meet your “pretty best friend” she liked to ask about sometimes. Honestly, you felt touched that she wanted to learn more about your life. It was just another reminder of her acceptance when it came to you, and you’d be forever touched by how easily she’d let you into her life. She was more than welcome to come stay at your place, but of course you’d run it by Soojung first. She’d agreed quite easily, even after you informed her you’d be sharing her bed all weekend, Arin of course using yours. 

On Thursday night Seokjin’s guilt was getting the better of him. He had you on the phone, making sure you were 100% okay with looking after Arin. He didn’t want you to feel as if you were trapped just because you felt compelled to help him. He could cancel his trip. You told him how stupid he was being. Cancelling would put so many people out, including himself. Besides, you not only wanted to help him out, you wanted to take care of Arin. You felt as though you were capable, and if you were being even more honest with him, you felt really happy it was happening. Knowing Arin trusted you this much was a great feeling. Knowing he trusted you enough… 

“Why wouldn’t I trust you?” He scoffed in disbelief. “You’re great with her. She loves you.” 

“I wouldn’t go that far,” you laughed. 

“How come?” He was hellbent on proving you wrong, voice softening as he continued. “You’re so easy to love.”  

You felt your heart skip a beat. He’d said it so casually, so easily, you felt dumb searching too much into his words. It was far too early to think of things like that – for confessions like that. Right? Still, he sounded genuine enough. He meant it, even if it wasn’t in that way. Not that you were expecting anything. You were perfectly happy with how things were, your feelings growing stronger each day. You weren’t in a rush, neither was he. That’s what made your relationship so great. But your heart still felt all fuzzy regardless. You found yourself smiling down the line, your thanks obvious in your tone. “I’m going to miss you.” 

“I’ll miss you more.” He ignored your noises of complaint. “I’ll video call you a lot – and Arin of course.” Then he laughed. “Although, I’ll have a feeling she won’t miss me at all this weekend.” 

The next day you finished up work early, it was a Friday anyway, so you never made a habit of sticking around too long, but this time you were packed and ready to go the same time as the kids. Arin would be waiting in her classroom, ready to go home with you for the weekend. Seokjin had dropped off her things early this morning before his flight, indulging you in a few sleepy kisses before he had to go, a promise of ‘I’ll see you Sunday night,” slipping from his slightly downturned lips, hands reluctant to let you go. 

Arin was visibly excited when she saw you, seconds away from jumping up and down on the spot, your first name rushing out of her mouth without realising. It was no big deal of course, but her reaction was cute, eyes widening as her lips parted into a circle, a noise of realisation leaving her. She looked very much like her father, which made it even funnier. You took her hand, saying your goodbyes to Mr. Moon, her second grade teacher, and left the building for your car. 

“This is a really nice car, Y/N,” she complimented as you made sure she was strapped in properly. You weren’t nervous, but you were slightly on edge, cautious, being a better word, to make sure everything was okay. You needed all bases covered. Arin was in your care for 48 hours after all. You told yourself to calm down, if Seokjin knew you were being this antsy he’d be highly amused. You wouldn’t stop hearing about it for a week. 

“I’ve always wanted to ride in it,” Arin continued. 

You smiled down at her. “Thank you.” She was one of the sweetest kids you knew. Your car was average. Not that she knew anything about makes and prices and whatever else there was. You didn’t either. As long as it drove you from point A to B you didn’t care what it looked like. 

“Will your best friend be home when we arrive?” She asked as you got inside the driver’s seat, sticking the key in the ignition. 

“Soojung? She’ll be still in work. Remember I told she works at a department store?” It was adorable how excited she was to meet Soo. Your best friend’s head would be double the size soon, ego inflated. 

“Mhmm,” Arin hummed responsively.  

“She won’t be done until around 6.” You turned back to look at her, knowing your next sentence would make her day. “I think she wanted to get pizza for dinner. Would you like that?” 

“YES!” Arin exclaimed immediately, eyes lighting up. “Soojung likes pizza too?” 

With a chuckle, you started the vehicle up and started backing out of your spot, replying as you did so. “She does.” But in truth, the pizza tonight was Seokjin’s idea. He’d given you one of his bank cards to spend on the food bill with strict instructions to only feed her the doughy delicacy once this weekend. He knew what she was like – you both did. She’d eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner if she could. If you suggested it tonight, then that was it. She’d be eating your menu come Saturday and Sunday. 

“How far away is your house from the school?” 

You’d lost count of how many questions she’d already asked you since you’d arrived to collect her. It was comical. Seokjin had not warned you about that, but your years of experience had told you to expect it. What was a kid without questions? You’d be worried if she was silent. 

“Not too long.” You replied, glancing in the rear view mirror to see her happily looking out of the window. “When we get in, I’ll text daddy and see if he’s free to videocall.” 

“Okay.” 

You tried to stop the smile that wanted to break across your face at her nonchalance. “Do you miss him yet?” 

With a brief shake of her head, still staring at the whizzing scenery outside she answered pretty simply. “Not really.” 

This time you burst out laughing, unable to stop. She looked over at the noise, meeting your eyes in the mirror as you took a right turn, giggling along. “Don’t tell him though, Y/N. It might make him sad.” 

“I won’t, Arin.” You reassured with another chuckle. “It can be our little secret.” 

.

.

She settled in well that night, immediately warming to Soojung (who despite her lifelong insistence, was great with children). You thought perhaps Arin would begin to get homesick once it was time for bed, but after watching a movie you tucked her in and said goodnight. You thought she’d have trouble sleeping because she was in a strange bed but checking in on her twenty minutes later you found her fast asleep, hugging her rabbit plushie. You on the other hand got ready to share a bed with Soojung – the bed cover hogger… 

The next day Arin had you awake at 6am. You already knew about her liveliness in the mornings, so it was no surprise. You’d been woken up countless times over the summer by a knock at Seokjin’s door, Arin’s voice calling out for him. On days you weren’t there she’d even barge in and jump on the bed. Where she got her energy from so early in the morning was a mystery. This morning however, she caught you on the way out of the bathroom. You’d been tossing and turning all night, wresting the covers from Soo. You’d thought about maybe taking a blanket and having an hours nap on the sofa, but there Arin was creeping out of your room, a smile on her face as she saw it was you. 

There was no tempting her back to bed, so you sat her down at the table and made her some breakfast, snapping a picture to send to her father. (Captioned: Guess who had me up at 6am 😴) You had a few things planned today. Seokjin always made sure Arin was busy on the weekends, it was the only time he got to spend with her fully unless she was with her mom, especially now that she was back in school. Even if it was just something as simple as going to the park, he always made plans. So, to do your part and to keep her entertained, you were going to run by her house to make sure the rabbits were fine (fed and watered), then go to the mall. It was simple, yes, but you needed to get a few things anyway, and you promised after all that walking around you’d stop by the food court. Then she had to accompany you to the grocery store to get ingredients for tonight’s dinner. 

She was pretty damn excited regardless. “I like going to the mall with mommy because daddy finds it boring,” she informed you as she picked out her clothes that you’d helped her unpack yesterday. That definitely sounded like Seokjin, you thought to yourself, laughing along with her. “Mommy told me that next weekend she’s going to take me shopping and buy me anyyy-thing I want.” 

“That sounds like great fun,” you smiled, telling yourself you’d pretend you never heard that… Seokjin was keen not to spoil Arin so you didn’t think he’d be best pleased to find this out. “What do you want to buy?”

“Hmm. Something for Olive and Ariel, I think.” 

You smiled again, admiring her caring nature. Her rabbits were the most well looked after in this entire country. She adored them. “I think they’ll really appreciate that.” 

You continued helping Arin get ready first, and thankfully by the time you were done Soojung had risen. You left them watching cartoons together while you showered, eager to leave by 10am. 

Arin you found out, didn’t just like the mall, she loved it very much. She was practically skipping around the place as she held your hand, helping you pick out the things you needed for your craft session with the students on Monday. While she was recommending paint colours to you, she surprised you with a confession. “I wish you were still my teacher, Y/N.” 

“How come?” You asked gently. 

She gave a tiny shrug. “I’d get to see you every day.” 

Oh. You didn’t know what to say to that, touched at her matter-of-fact revelation. Instead you wrapped an arm around her shoulders, giving her a loving squeeze. 

“But actually, maybe I wouldn’t like it.” She added as an afterthought. You waited, curious as to why she’d changed her mind so suddenly. “I’d have to call you Miss Y/L/N. I’d get too confused.” 

You laughed, this child was far too funny for her own good. “Me too, Arin. It’s better this way, right?”

“Right,” she agreed with a nod. 

.

.

“Y/N, this is pretty,” Arin cooed, calling your attention as you rounded the stand. You’d gotten everything you needed and were now browsing around some other stores. You’d let Arin pick a couple out, worrying she might be getting bored, and one of her choices had been Claire’s. She was holding up a charm bracelet. 

“Very pretty,” you agreed. 

And then she struck. “Can I have it?” She didn’t give you time to answer, eyes widening as she began to beg, voice soft and hopeful. “Please. Pretty please.” 

You chuckled. You were practically immune to cute kids, so that wouldn’t work on you. However, she had been really well-behaved all morning, in your eyes she deserved a small treat. “You can. But just this one thing, okay?” 

“Thank you, Y/N!” She squealed, rushing up to you. She gave your arm a squeeze. “I like you much better than daddy.” 

“That will hurt his feelings,” you burst out laughing. She didn’t have to butter you up, you’d already said yes. 

As you were paying the cashier, she wondered off to a stand of keychains, her eyes catching something instantly. “Oooh, pretty,” she purred and the cashier, a woman no more than a few years older than you, laughed. 

“Best escape before she wants something else,” you joked, handing over some cash. 

“My daughter is just the same. Kids, who’d have them, right? We’re glutton for punishment.” She joked. 

“Oh, no, I’m –” You stopped yourself dead, unsure what to say. Had this woman just mistaken you for Arin’s mother? It definitely sounded that way. But just how could you correct her? 

“Don’t get me wrong,” the cashier said, shaking her head. “They’re definitely worth it.” 

You forced yourself to smile, feeling a little wooden, but the chuckle you got out sounded better. “Yeah, yeah they are.” You glanced over at Arin, thankfully she was too distracted by the abundance of cute animal keychains. You turned back and took your bag from the woman, trying to shake off how awkward you felt. “Thank you. Bye.” 

Walking over to Arin you took her hand. “Hope to see you again soon,” the cashier called behind you and you gave a wave, telling Arin to do the same.

“Thank you,” she sang sweetly as she did so. 

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“So, something weird happened today,” you told Soojung as you prepared food, careful to keep your voice low even though Arin was well and truly distracted inside the living room. Taehyung was a master with children. The guy needed a career change immediately. You’d never heard Arin laugh so hard. She’d been in stitches for the last hour. You were worried she’d be way to hyperactive for bedtime once it came. 

Soojung looked up from where she was chopping onion, interested as her eyebrow raised. 

“The woman at Claire’s mistook me for Arin’s mother.” 

Soojung scoffed, lifting her shoulders in a casual shrug. “I’m not surprised. It was bound to happen. It’s normal.” She added, reassuring you as she saw the look on your face. “People just naturally assume.” 

“I guess…” 

“What did you tell her?”

Your expression turned sheepish. “I just went along with it,” you confessed, placing spaghetti in a pan of bubbling water. You caught the look she gave you. “I didn’t know what to say!” It was the truth. “I’m her father’s girlfriend seemed too… I don’t know…” Too impersonal? 

“That’s what you are though,” Soo snorted.

You gave up, knowing you were probably making a huge deal out of this. Was it that serious? Probably not. “I just felt awkward.” 

“Because you hate correcting people, or because you didn’t like someone mistaking you for Arin’s mother,” your best friend pried. 

“It’s definitely not that. It’s just…” You sighed. “How would Arin feel about it? What if she’d heard?”

Soojung shrugged. “She loves you. You’re great with her.” 

That wasn’t the point you were trying to make. “It still might have upset her though. She adores her mom.” You weren’t trying to take Nana’s place and you didn’t want her to ever think that. 

It was Soo’s turn to sigh, dropping the chopped onions into a fry pan. “Do you want my opinion?” 

“Please,” you requested meekly. 

“I think you’re looking way too much into it.” Obviously. “It’s not a big deal at all, and Arin didn’t hear anything so nothing to worry about.”

“You’re right,” you agreed, telling yourself to shake it off. 

“Of course I am,” she quipped, rooting around in a cupboard now. She turned back, a can of tomatoes in her hand. “I’m sure Seokjin will be able to ease your mind with his sexy Dilf powers or whatever he calls them.” 

“Shut up,” you groaned. You weren’t even sure if you were going to tell him. Like she kept saying, it wasn’t a big deal, right? It was an easy mistake to make. Probably happened all the time. 

From inside the living room you heard Taehyung roar loudly, mimicking a lion (possibly) and Arin shrieked out his name, laughter exploding from her. “Quick, let’s get dinner ready as soon as possible.” Soojung begged, dramatic as always. “I’m scared Tae might be getting ideas. I’m too young for kids!”

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.

The rest of the weekend went by smoothly. Despite the excitement levels that Saturday night brought, Arin was knocked out by 9pm. You, Soojung and Taehyung stayed up for another hour before he had to leave and then Soo made her way to bed, needing to wake up early tomorrow for work. That left you on the couch, awaiting Seokjin’s video call. He’d already called once today, but Arin was so hyped, talking a mile a minute about her day, you couldn’t get a word in edgeways. (Neither could he.) You were thankful for some alone time. You were missing him. He’d gone away on business trips a couple of times in the summer but it didn’t mean you’d get used to it. You both talked about your day, and you decided there and then not to tell him about the Claire’s “incident.” Soojung was right, it was no big deal. It was a common misunderstanding, one you’d probably made unknowingly before too. After you’d said your goodbyes you went to bed, already strategizing how you were going to steal the covers back from Soojung. As much as you’d enjoyed looking after Arin, you couldn’t wait to have your own bed back. Sharing with your bestie was torture. Taehyung was an admirable man. 

Sunday was a chillout day, although Arin still had you awake at 6am. You made her breakfast, watched some cartoons and shared turns on her Switch before you both got ready for the day. You checked in on Olive and Ariel briefly before driving back to your place. There was a park nearby and you promised you’d take her. The weather was still warm despite September trickling by. It was crazy how fast this year had gone, autumn already nearly here. For the rest of the day you both relaxed in front of the TV, waiting until Soojung was home to watch a movie, and then you made dinner. Seokjin was due back around 7pm, so you made sure all of Arin’s things were packed up ready to go. It was just gone eight when he turned up at your door. Arin had already passed out on the sofa after her hot chocolate so he couldn’t stay long. You thought with how entertaining this weekend had been it had finally all caught up with her. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to spend the night?” He asked, careful to keep his voice down as he strapped Arin inside his car. (Still sleeping.) You’d followed him out as he carried her towards the vehicle, wanting to say your goodbyes. 

He straightened up, closing the car door as he stepped closer to you. You rubbed his arm. “You must be exhausted.” 

“Don’t baby me.” Reaching forward, he wrapped his arms around you, squishing your arms to your side. “I missed you.” 

You hummed, pressing your lips to his, careful to keep your voice a whisper. “Your dick missed me.” 

He scoffed in disbelief but couldn’t argue. “That’s…not a lie. My heart missed you too though.” 

“How sweet,” you joked, but couldn’t keep your charade up for much longer. “I missed you too.” This time the press of your mouth was much firmer. He matched it, letting you slip your arms around his sides, holding him too. 

“Tomorrow, then?” He asked hopefully, tip of his tongue wetting his bottom lip slightly as he pulled away. “I know it’s a school night but I swear I only get a good night’s sleep lying next to you.” 

Laughing, you nodded your head. “Tomorrow.” You agreed wholeheartedly. Sleeping alone was no fun anymore. 

He captured your mouth again, humming happily. “Can’t wait.” 

The following weekend Arin was with her mom so you and Seokjin had the entire weekend to yourselves. Saturday was busy, you’d both probably been a little too ambitious when you’d decided to cram as many different activities as you could into the day, but it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. You didn’t get many days to spend together likes this; walking hand in hand as you explored the local market, having brunch together, checking out a new museum exhibit, watching a movie at the theatre… You treasured days like these. And what better way to end one with? Jacuzzi time! 

Seokjin’s jacuzzi was fast becoming one of life’s staples lately. Who were you? A changed woman, that’s who. This was your favourite space in Seokjin’s garden(s). An area of decking, solar lights draped over the sleek fencing. In the middle was the jacuzzi, set into the wood. Now that the nights were drawing in, it was especially cosy out here, summer holding on for just a little bit longer as the weather stayed quite warm. It wouldn’t be like this for long so you had to make the most of it right now. 

You were sat inside the jacuzzi, water gently bubbling around you as you gazed up at the stars that had just started to appear when you heard Seokjin emerging from the house. His footsteps sounded against the wooden steps as he made his way towards you. You didn’t bother looking but when he didn’t join you straight away, you glanced over curiously. To be met with a rather naked boyfriend. 

“What are you doing?!” You exclaimed, eyes bugging out. 

He grinned. It was hardly innocent. “Jacuzzi’s are much more enjoyable naked, didn’t you know?” 

You tsked, watching him climb into the tub and make his way over to you. His mouth was immediately on yours, arms around your waist as he tugged for you to stand up. This wasn’t just any type of kiss. Like you’d said before, you knew Seokjin very well by now, and besides, you’d already noticed his dick was half aroused as he stood above you… He had a plan. 

On cue, he broke away, corners of his plump lips tugging upwards with a suggestion. 

“Join me?” 

“Seokjin…” You warned, voice low, hands grazing the tops of his arms. He couldn’t be serious. 

“No one can see us,” he reassured you with a wider smile. 

You mean, he was correct. This time you let your hands make their way to his shoulders, massaging them lightly. “You’re crazy.” 

“Yeah, crazy for you,” he smirked, leaning in to kiss you once again. His lips were slow, coaxing. Even more so as they made their way down your jaw and to your neck. You keened into his touch, his hands grazing down your sides, fingers toying with the sides of your bikini bottoms. “C’mon…” He sunk his teeth into your skin gently and you whined. “I know you want to.” You did indeed. Very much so. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” you confirmed, voice suddenly hoarse. You cleared your throat just as his fingers began to untie the strings of your bra, mouth still peppering your neck with kisses. Until that was your chest was bare, and then his lips were wrapped around one nipple, water rippling with the sudden movement. You moaned as quietly as you could, wanting to encourage him because it felt good, but also nervous as hell because you were outside. You didn’t care if there was no one around for a good mile, you were still out in the open. 

Cupping your breasts in his palms he gazed down at them, sighing dreamily. “Have I ever told you how much I love your tits?”

You raised an eyebrow. “One. Don’t be so crude.” (Not that you didn’t like it.) “And two. Yes, yes you have.” You broke off with a laugh, reaching for him to mesh your mouths together. He couldn’t help but chuckle too, but elsewhere he had a hand down your bikini to grab your ass. 

“What’s gotten – Seokjin!” You practically roared, cutting yourself off as he suddenly dived down into the water, fully submerged, hands attempting to tear your bottoms off. “What are you doing,” you giggled, clinging to his back as you tried to stay upright. He had one of your ankles in his hand, wrestling with the fabric. 

A few moments later he arose successful, flicking his head back to stop his wet hair from dripping in his eyes. He pushed it back further with his hands, forehead now devastating, skin glistening with water droplets. You heart stilled, he looked gorgeous – and naughty. Behind him your bikini bottoms floated to the surface. A smirk spread across his face as he finally replied. “Getting you naked.” And then he was on you. 

He kissed you hungrily, his erection pressed up against you, hot and eager now, just like his tongue. Your fingers threaded through his wet locks, letting him push his body weight into you until the backs of your legs hit the seat. 

“Up here for me,” he pulled away briefly, command light, tapping his hand against the deck behind you. You let him slip his hands around your hips and lift you up, legs spread to accommodate his body, feet still in the water atop of the seat. 

“You’re not too cold?” He made sure to ask, concerned despite being ravenous. You shook your head, desire for him enough despite the night air cooling the water against your skin. Satisfied he immediately dove in, leaning forward to place a kiss against your wetness. You pulsed against the touch, moving back on your elbows to get comfier just as his tongue came out and flicked against your clit. Suddenly you didn’t care that you were outside. 

From up here you had a great view of the expanse of his broad, wet back, muscles rippling as he ate you out. You moaned softly, running a hand through his hair, gaze falling to his face. His eyes were closed, water droplets caught in his dark eyebrows and as if he could feel your eyes watching him, he looked up, smirking against you before he sucked the sensitive bud into his mouth, actions growing more eager as he heard you go crazy for it. 

He knew your body well, which is why he cruelly held off slipping a finger inside of you. Actually, on second thought, he knew damn well that the second he did so, your orgasm would soon follow. It wasn’t hard to tease your body, to control it how he wanted. As soon as you felt his middle digit push inside, you clenched around it, hips bucking into Seokjin’s face as a stifled cry forced its way out of your mouth. He grunted, inserting another finger, curling and uncurling them as his other hand gripped your hip, trying his best to keep you still. It was no use, you were a woman possessed, pleasure beginning to hurtle through your body at an alarming rate. You stretched out, fingers of one hand sliding along the wood beneath you, desperately trying to cling onto something as you moaned uncontrollably. Seokjin hummed along, encouraging you, coaxing the orgasm through your body. With each wave your breath shuddered harder. 

You only started coming to when you felt his fingers slip out of you, his tongue ceasing, mouth now at your inner thigh, kissing you wetly, passionately. Your hands reached for him, wanting him close, but he was already on it, straightening up to meet your mouth. “I need you,” he breathed. You could taste yourself, it was intoxicating. “Here.” 

“Here?!” You exclaimed weakly, unfocused eyes trying to concentrate on his face. 

He kissed you once more, moaning a little. “Yeah.” His hands wrapped around your hips, lifting you further up the decking before he climbed out of the water and crawled over your body, reaching for something behind you. “Look – let’s use this.” He had a beach towel in his hand, the one you’d left draped over one of the wicker chairs, and he hurriedly laid it out, pressing you into it to kiss you again. His cock was hard and wet, bobbing against your inner thighs. 

“Are you sure you’re not cold?” He asked, wet hair now having fallen in his eyes. 

You cupped his face, nodding your head as you leaned up. You were still thrumming from your high. “Yes.” Your tongue curled against his open mouth, slipping in to meet his own. The kiss was messy, distracted, as he spread your legs, hooking one up under your thigh. 

Breaking away from your mouth, he straightened his back and aligned himself at your entrance, needing no hands he was so erect. You clung to his shoulders, waiting for the first thrust. His skin was still dotted with water droplets. “I’m too impatient, baby,” he told you simply, and then he pushed inside. 

Slowly, savouring the feeling of your walls stretching around him, both of you gasping as he bottomed out. With a slow thrust he groaned. “You feel like heaven.” As he leaned in to kiss you, he noticed you trying to hold back a giggle. “What?” 

You burst. “That was so cheesy.” 

Chuckling, he kissed you again, tips of his ears turning red. “Don’t laugh at me.” You snorted, unable to help it, reaching for him in silent apology, despite laughter still escaping you. “Seriously, stoppp,” he whined, dropping his head. 

You grinned. “Or what?” 

That got his attention. Looking up, his top lip twitched. His hand cupped your face, thumb brushing over your lips. “I’ll have to teach you a lesson,” he murmured, voice an octave lower. You opened up, sucking the digit into your mouth, looking up at him knowingly. He knew what you were thinking. That didn’t sound so bad. 

“My mistake.” He smiled, gaze intense as he pulled away, his thumb leaving you with a silent pop. “You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” 

You were seconds away from agreeing but became distracted, watching him lift both legs up by the back of your thighs now, hiking them above his shoulders. He dick slipped so deep you choked, feeling so full you didn’t know what to do. 

“S-seokjin,” you panicked, your hands clutching his arms. 

He cocked his head to the side, voice soft. “Trust me?”  

You nodded, something already so addicting about feeling him inside you like this. You felt beyond sensitive, beginning to tremble as he slowly thrust in and out of you, bringing the tip of his cock almost all the way out before sinking back into your warmth. You moaned out, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes with a pleasure so overwhelming. He sped up, going harder now that he was certain you were enjoying yourself, wet squelches sounding along with your moans and his grunts. You loved watching him fuck you like this, towering down over you, the wet spikes of hair falling down around his face, fucking you with his entire body weight, your ass sliding back and forth against the towel. 

However, you also loved kissing him. Holding him as he thrust inside, keeping him to you. 

“Seokjin,” you breathed, voice tight, hands reaching for him. He got the message, easing your legs to the ground carefully as he took one of your hands and brought it up to his mouth, kissing it tenderly, your name slipping from his lips, breathless and husky. 

He moved closer, capturing your lips eagerly and you hooked your legs around his waist, clinging to the back of his neck in the process as your hips jutted up to meet each roll of his own. You were both panting by now, grunts of exertion slipping from your mouths as you continued to make out. His movements were messier, wet bodies pressed up close, enough to provide enough friction for a second orgasm. 

“Ah… I’m close,” he panted, mouth grazing down your throat as he attempted to keep the same momentum. 

“M-me too.” 

That spurred him on, hips snapping into yours with a cry, newfound determination, lips pressing into yours once more. You came together, out of breath and quite sweaty, but mouths unrelenting. You’d never get enough of kissing him. It was addictive – especially like this. 

Spent, he slid out of your dampness naturally, having grown flaccid, kissing you slowly now, indulgently, until he was moving south, capturing your left breast in his mouth, tongue encircling your nipple. You shuddered as he pulled back, one of his hands cupping the right breast to give that a parting kiss too. It wouldn’t be long before you started growing cold, but you were so content here you didn’t care. 

Seokjin lifted his head up, gazing straight into your eyes. His were warm and soft, drunk on your beauty (or so he would say). “I want to give you the world,” he breathed, sealing his confession with a press of his mouth. 

Your heart swelled, heat prickling your skin and you clung to him. But despite that, you felt the need to joke around. Call it a defence mechanism, who knew. “Men are so weak,” you chuckled, running your fingers through his hair to pull it back, revealing his face again. The tips had already started to dry. “Let them cum inside you and they’re like putty in your hands.” 

He laughed too, genuinely amused, but his eyes were still soft and he leaned into your touch, content with the way you held his face now. “I mean it though,” he whispered. “Tell me what you want. Anything. I’ll make it happen.” 

You raised an eyebrow. He was being ridiculous, acting drunk. Still, you were pretty simple. You didn’t have many wishes, many dreams. “I want to travel on a plane.” 

It was his turn to lift an eyebrow, intrigued. “Like a private jet or?”

“No,” you giggled, “just a plane in general.” You kissed his nose. “You know I’ve never been out of the country before.” 

“You want me to take you on vacation?” He hummed, turning suggestive pretty quickly. “A sexcation?”

“Seokjinn,” you whined, dropping your hands from his face. 

He nudged his nose against yours playfully. “Well, of course there’ll be sex involved, but,” he grew serious, genuinely interested, “where do you want to go?” 

“Hm, anywhere?”

“Anywhere,” he confirmed, adding, “unless it’s another planet, or the moon.” 

You smiled, amused, yet deeply preoccupied now. Where did you want to go? What was your dream destination? You’d had one place in mind since you were a child. Running a hand down his bare chest you suddenly felt coy. “I want to visit Paris.” 

He grinned. “France, Mademoiselle?” 

You matched it. “Oui.” 

“Done.” He kissed you, sealing the deal. “Let’s go there tonight.” 

You burst out laughing at his idiocy. “I have school. You have work – a daughter!”

He laughed too, but he was distracted, gazing at you tenderly once more. He opened his mouth, about to say something but hesitated. Instead he smiled, nodding his head resolutely. “Okay, soon. Very soon.” He laughed when you squealed in excitement, bringing one of your hands to his lips. “I’m going to take you to the most romantic city on earth, baby.” 

.

.

It was Sunday the next day, which meant only one thing. Lazy morning sex. It was his favourite, his time to indulge in all things beautiful and pleasurable he told you. (i.e. You). You’d grown used to his lame lines, he couldn’t help it, and deep down you secretly loved them. A man so shameless with his desire, his devotion. You really had hit the jackpot. 

Sundays were also your excuse to just be lazy in general. You usually skipped breakfast in choice of an early lunch, but today you wanted to picnic outside. You knew in a week or so the weather would begin to change more drastically so this was your last chance. You made a reluctant Seokjin get out of bed and shower with you, ignoring his advances as you did so. He was like a dog in heat. Not that you usually complained, but today you really wanted to hit the grocery store before rush hour. Sundays were always busy. 

A few hours later you had everything ready, outside in the spot that saw the most sun. It bleated down on you as you kneeled, arranging all the dishes across the blanket you’d placed down across the lawn. 

“Oh, shoot. I forgot the salad.” Seokjin realised by the side of you. “I’ll be one sec, honey.” He kissed your cheek as he stood, smacking your ass playfully in the process. “Don’t start without me.”

“What will you do about it?” You called out to him, unable to help it. 

“If you’re feeling brave, I guess you’ll find out.” He called back with a laugh, retreating into the house. 

A good girl, you waited patiently, but then time started to tick on. One minute, then five… At ten you stood up with a sigh. Where was he? You had visions of the salad bowl on the floor smashed to smithereens. You made your way through the doors that led inside the back of the house. You past his study, calling his name. “Seokjin? Did you get lost?”

You were met with silence, which wasn’t surprising, his home was big after all. Down the corridor, closer to the kitchen you began to hear voices. Seokjin’s familiar rumble, although you couldn’t make it out, and then a louder, unfamiliar voice – female. You followed the sound, realising it was coming from the living room nearest the front door. A sick feeling was slowly creeping its way up your throat, but you didn’t understand why. As you got closer your heart began to race, blood rushing through your ears. There was this sudden feeling of dread. It was so strong you could practically taste it, and you were so frazzled you couldn’t concentrate on the words you were hearing as you rounded the corner of the open door, although you did acknowledge them. 

Immediately as you came into view you heard them loud and clear though. Directed at you. 

“Oh, and this is her, right?” 

They were coming from a woman, her dark eyes piercing into yours. She was beautiful, was your first thought. Tall and slim, with long black hair, so silky she could have come straight from a shampoo commercial. It reminded you of someone. Her hair just as dark and shiny. Arin. 

At the thought of the child’s name, you looked down, spotting her beside the stranger, clinging to her hand, eyes wide and shiny with worried tears. Everything clicked into place then. Confusion clearing, yet the sick feeling got stronger. This wasn’t a stranger. It was Arin’s mother. Seokjin’s ex-wife. Nana. And she looked angry. 

You glanced around, spotting Seokjin who was looking your way with apologetic eyes. His face looked torn. He murmured your name, stepping towards you, a protective hand reaching for your own. He held it tight, giving you a comforting squeeze. His palm was clammy. 

“Yes, here she is!” Nana laughed harshly, needing no reply. It made you wince. Beside you Seokjin groaned quietly, rubbing his free hand across his face before he took a deep breath. As if he was gearing himself up. 

You looked at Nana, chest a little tight, something heavy in your stomach. When your eyes locked the corners of her mouth curled upwards. 

“The stepmom!” She sneered. 

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

[so-cool-day6]

ok here this suggestive n kinda smutty kevin thing

i'm absolutely no real writer so i apologize in advance lol

i wanna put some warnings to b safe, again ive never done this but i wanna do my best hshhsshshh

- slight degradation

- implied rlly rough sex

- mention of hair pulling

- color system

also i proofread this a million times but knowing me there's probably a million mistakes still, sorry

Never did I expect that "Jade" wasn't Jade at all.

Never did I expect that "Jade" was Kevin Moon undercover on deobi stan twitter.

Never did I expect that Kevin Moon would find my thirst tweets so hilarious that he wanted to hear more about them.

The moment Jade accidentally said "I" instead of "Kevin" in a message, I knew something felt fishy.

But he played it off so well, I soon forgot about it.

But those things just kept happening.

Sometimes it didn't take Jade very long at all to think up how Kevin would react to something.

Sometimes the answers seemed so extremely accurate, they could only have been from Kevin himself.

And when I finally put all the many pieces together?

Oh boy. I was pissed. And immensely embarrassed.

But not near as embarrassed as I know I'm about to be in a few minutes.

I'm only a few people away from going up to the fansign table to meet The Boyz.

I wasn't gonna come. I wasn't even gonna enter. I knew it would be far too embarrassing and humiliating to see Kevin in real life after all the explicit things I said about him, inadvertently directly to him.

But when your best friend begs you to enter with her, you enter with your best friend.

And when you and your best friend both win, and she begs you to go so she isn't alone... you go so she isn't alone.

She owes me big time for this one.

Thank goodness that Kevin isn't first...

As I talk to Jacob, Chanhee, Sangyeon, and Eric, I was glad to discover that, even if he shared every conversation we ever had, Kevin at least hadn't show any of them what I looked like.

But my conversation with Eric is ending, and Kevin is smirking, telling me that he has already noticed me.

Time to die, I guess.

I say goodbye to Eric, give him a high five, and move to the next seat in front of Kevin Moon.

"Well, well, well." He smiles. "Fancy seeing you here."

I try to laugh. "Yeah..."

"Why so shy? You weren't this shy on twitter."

"Yeah, when I wasn't talking to Kevin Moon."

"Ah, but you were. You were talking to Kevin."

I simply roll my eyes in response and look down at my hands, trying to keep my face from getting too red.

"Listen, I do wanna apologize. I shouldn't have manipulated you like that."

"It's okay... I can't blame you. If I were in your position, I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing. And there wasn't any real harm done, right? As long as it doesn't get out."

"Although, I must say..." His eyes darken. "I kind of liked hearing your thoughts about me. Especially in such detail." His hand lands on my thigh under the table and he feels me instantly tense up. He cracks a smile and chuckles. "I really do have an effect on you, don't I?" His voice is barely above a whisper, and his grip on my thigh tightens. "Just tell me if you want me to take my hand away and I will. Instantly. No questions asked."

"Okay." I think for a moment. Do I? Do I want him to move?

He looks at me expectantly, waiting for more of a response.

"I'll tell you if I do." I can feel my face heat up as I make my decision.

He smirks.

"I love how flustered you get." His thumbs slowly rubs the inner part of my thigh, thanks to his hand placement, and chills run up and down my back.

"Hurry up." A staff member says behind him, making sure the line doesn't get held up.

While Kevin's hand on my thigh isn't visible to the crowd, it IS visible to the staff. But they don't seem phased, nor do they seem to care.

Does Kevin have a habit of feeling up fans under the table or do they just wanna go home?

He leaves a cold spot on my leg as he pulls his hand away and quickly signs my album.

He answers the question post-it, which is actually a question from my Kevin-biased friend who couldn't try for a fansign slot, and then he flips the post-it up and writes something on the album page underneath the post-it.

"Move." The staff tells me. Kevin gives me a high five to look casual and throws me a wink as subtly as possible.

I continue on through the rest of the line, trying to keep my composure, especially when talking with Sunwoo and Changmin.

I may have said... a lot about them to Kevin.

A lot.

The fansign finally ends, and I don't remember Kevin writing something under the post-it note until the drive back to my friend's house.

"Hilton on Portico

Room 347

Should be back by 8

I'll have Q out of our room by 8:05

Hope to see you there"

No way.

No, he's kidding.

He's kidding right?

Did he just ask me to meet him in his hotel room tonight?

Why?

He doesn't want to... no.

No, that's impossible.

Why would he want to-

"Are you even listening?" My friend snaps me out of my thoughts and I quickly cover Kevin's message.

"Sorry, I spaced out... Can't stop thinking about meeting them, yknow?"

-

My hand raises to knock on the door, before I pull it back down.

8:06, my watch reads.

I shouldn't be here.

I shouldn't be here, right?

This is insane...

Maybe he wants to lecture me.

Maybe he wants to yell at me.

Why would he wanna yell at me after what he did at the fansign, though?

I shake my head and raise my hand to knock again.

No matter why he wants to see me at his hotel room, he wants to see me at his hotel room.

It must be important.

I carefully knock, suddenly regretting all of my life choices as I wait for him to open the door.

What if Changmin is still in the room?

What if his manager is in the room?

What if he wrote down the wrong room number?

What if he was just trying to play with me all along, and they aren't even at this hotel?

The door swings open and Kevin's face lights up.

"You came..." He sounds shocked, as if meeting Kevin Moon in his hotel room isn't a dream to many, many people. "Come in, please." He opens the door wider and steps to the side, allowing me to walk into the room. "I'm sorry it's still a mess... we have to refuse housekeeping services and I just got Changmin to leave a couple minutes ago. I didn't have a chance to tidy up for you..."

"No, no! It's no big deal, no worries. If only you saw my house, it's way worse..."

We stand in silence for a bit, both of us unsure exactly what to do next, when suddenly I gain a boost of confidence.

"Kevin, why am I here?"

He looks at me with eyes full of... I'm not sure what.

Thoughtfulness?

"I don't know. Why are you here?"

"You don't know? You're the one who told me to come." I scoffed.

"I know. But why did you come? What were you hoping would happen if you came to my hotel room? Or should I say..." His eyes darken again, just like they had at the fansign, and he steps towards me and takes my hand in his. "What are you still hoping will happen?"

All breath leaves me.

"Maybe I can jog your memory. Were you maybe hoping that I would... pull your hair and pound you from behind like you're nothing but my sorry cumslut?"

A sharp gasp involuntarily leaves my body as he boldly quotes one of the first things I ever told Jade, word for word. I can feel his ego boost by the second.

"Or maybe it was something more along the lines of..."

Kevin places his hands on my waist and pulls my body flush with his.

"Fingering you roughly until you're shaking and crying and begging for me to stop... but I don't."

Again, he quotes my own sexual fantasy to me, every word correct. Except this time it elicits a soft moan.

I can feel him hard against me, and I can't help but look away towards the floor in embarrassment.

"Look at me."

I can't bring myself to obey his command, no matter how much I want to.

"I said look at me." He grabs my chin and turns my face towards his, his eyes slowly moving away from my eyes and down to my lips.

His eyes and voice all tell me that he's having a hard time holding back, but he has to ask something first.

"Have you ever heard of the color system?"

"Yeah." I whisper, which is about the only volume I can muster up in the moment. "Like a traffic light, right?"

"Right. What color are you on right now?"

"Green."

"And what color would you be on if I kissed you?"

"Green."

That's all the approval he needs to quickly place one hand on the lower back of my head and softly press his lips into mine.

That softness does not last long, as the kiss soon turns into a quite passionate make out.

We begin to migrate, lips still together, until our legs hit the edge of the bed and Kevin pulls away from me.

"Your fantasies aren't soft. And you've got such a hold on me, I can't promise to be either. I don't wanna do anything that makes you uncomfortable, upset, or negatively helpless. I want you to use the colors. Is that okay with you?" Somehow his continuous consent checks make him a hundred times sexier.

"I can do that."

"Don't hesitate at all to say any of the colors at any moment, if you feel you want to. Okay?" Yeah, the continuous consent checks are really sexy.

"Okay."

"Where are we at right now?"

"Green."

With that, he smirks and pushes me onto the bed, quickly crawling on top of me to reattach his lips to my own.

His beautiful hands begin to wander and feel my body. He finds my waistband and slowly slides his thumb under it.

I know he's taking it slow just in case I change my mind, which is very considerate, but it only makes me frustrated.

I push him away slightly with my hand.

"Can you hurry it up, Kev? You've had me wet since lunch." Is all i say before grabbing his shirt and pulling him back into me.

I can tell he's holding back some kind of reaction to what I just did.

His hand fully slides under my waistband, both of them, and he begins to slide his hand lower and towards the middle...

The embarrassment surrounding my encounters with Kevin are being replaced with thankfulness. Who would have thought that thirst tweets would land me in a hotel bed, getting fucked by Kevin Moon?

He's just made me cum for the third time.

First time with his mouth and fingers, then twice by railing me in two different positions.

He says yellow as he pulls out, and I nod.

We both need a breather.

He lays down next to me, both of us breathing quite heavily. I'm definitely breathing heavier, though. Curse his dancer cardiovascular health.

"So, what do you think we should-" Kevin is cut off by the sound of the door being unlocked with a key card, and his eyes go wide. He hurries to pull the blanket up over me, covering up my naked body from the view of whoever was coming in.

The fact that he doesn't care at all about his dick still hanging out loud and proud makes me wonder just how comfortable he is with all his members AND staff...

The person entering starts saying something in Korean, and all I can pick out is that he's addressing Kevin for something.

As the mystery person turns the corner and we meet eyes, both of us freeze for a moment.

Kevin scolds Ji Changmin in Korean, and Changmin responds, clearly upset at Kevin for something.

Kevin checks his phone and mutters an "oh".

"I'm sorry." Kevin turns to me. "I told Q to stay out until 10, thinking we'd be done by then... but I guess we've been having a little too much fun..."

The room reeks of awkwardness (and sex, but that's besides the point), until Changmin shyly raises his hand to wave at me.

"Hello. I'm Q."

I chuckle and wave back.

Kevin says something to Changmin. I'm unable to pick out any words to grasp at some sort of context before Changmin's eyes widen even further and he points at me, simply saying...

"Deobi?"

I nod.

Kevin's face suddenly turns devilish, and he starts talking to Changmin again.

I feel very out of the loop, but the way Changmin's face is turning beet red isn't making me optimistic as to what Kevin is saying.

"Kevin, what did you just tell him?"

Kevin keeps talking and Changmin's eyes dart back and forth from me to Kevin, and then I notice they glance down.

His grey sweatpants are not being very forgiving as to hiding his erection.

"Kevin!" I try a second time.

"What, baby? A man deserves to know what a sexy woman wants him to do to her."

I grab a pillow and throw it at him, hard, before hiding my face in the sheets.

Kevin apologizes in both English and Korean, and I hear Changmin giggle awkwardly.

Kevin says one last thing and I hear someone going through a suitcase.

I peek out from the sheets and see Changmin riffling through his bag, still replying to Kevin, before tossing something at Kevin.

Kevin thanks him, using one word of Korean I do know.

Changmin leaves, not before saying a kind goodbye to me, and Kevin turns to me.

"This might be fun, don't you think? If my memory is being kind to me, you've definitely mentioned me using one of these on you." He holds up the vibrator that Changmin threw at him.

What on earth does Changmin get up to on tour?

"Did he say anything about what you... told him?"

"He asked if you were gonna still be in town tomorrow. I sure hope you are, cause I said yes. And tomorrow it seems I'll be the one leaving the room all night... if you want to, of course."

I start getting wet again at the prospect.

"But don't think about him too much yet. I'm not done with you yet, baby." He clicks a button on the vibrator. "Green?"

"Green."

He looks at me like he's a hungry lion, before pouncing on me.

Rest time is over.

--------

THE UNGOLDY SCREECH THAT LEFT ME OMG THANK YOU FOR SENDING THIS IN

"Somehow his continuous consent checks make him a hundred times sexier" IT'S TRUE. I'm not okay. My mind was babble the entire time, especially when Changmin walked in 🤤 the idea of it all... beautiful 😍 is it okay if I tag this a tbz smut? I think more people deserve to read this. I'll delete the tags if you want me to!

[khiphop-stories]

Getting Off The Wrong Foot

[Christian Yu | Chapter XI]

Previous Chapters:

Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III | Chapter IV | Chapter V | Chapter VI | Chapter VII | Chapter VIII | Chapter IX | Chapter X

“Are you falling for me too?“ He asked, his eyes locked with yours. Your widened eyes rested on him, not blinking. You spent a few seconds staring at him, your brain unable to formulate a thought. It was a question you didn’t expect at all, especially not coming for him.

“You’re worried? Wanna make a run for it?“ You then broke out into a deep rumbling laughter. Joking - that’s how you dealt with situations you weren’t comfortable with. He couldn’t have been serious anyway, could he? But unlike yours, his face showed no sign of amusement. Usually he would join you and laugh at your jokes, even if they weren’t funny to begin with. But this time, not a muscle on his face twitched. He looked at you deadpan. Was he afraid that you might cling onto him like other girls did? Was he afraid to lose his freedom?

“You’ve been a good friend to me, plus the sex is good. But that’s it. You’re safe. Nothing to be worried about. I’m not falling for you, Christian,” you assured him and you meant it. How could you fall in love with him, when your heart still belonged to someone else? He sighed shortly. Was it a sigh of relief or disappointment? You couldn’t read the expression on his face nor could you guess what was going through his mind right now. You had agreed early on that this would only be physical thing. Why was he suddenly worried about it turning into something more? Admittedly you were a hopeless romantic, but you weren’t over Kiseok yet and he knew, it was the reason you slept with him in the first place. If you had met him under different circumstances, maybe then things would have been different. But there was no room, to think about what ifs. 

“Good, ��cause I’m really not looking for a relationship,” he then said with a confidence that didn’t sound very convincing, but you shook it off with a shrug. You didn’t want to start questioning him now.

“Good, me neither,” you agreed with him.

~*~

Keeping up the act was quite exhausting and you were slowly beginning to regret having agreed to it in the first place. It didn’t cross your mind that fooling his family wouldn’t be as easy as you had imagined. They knew him inside out while you barely had gotten to know him. You spent most of your time with physical activities and afterwards you were both so exhausted you would go straight to sleep. There was no room for pillow talks. So when his relatives told you stories about him, it felt as though they were describing a completely different person, a stranger. You learned a lot more about him in the span of a few hours than you did over the past few weeks. Ever since you stepped inside this house your entire body felt tensed, you were in constant fear that someone might see through it. Despite your worries, the afternoon went by without any mishaps on your part. You just had to endure a couple more hours, before you could go home, you thought to yourself. But before you could face his relatives again, you needed a moment to yourself. A moment where you could be yourself, not Christian’s fake girlfriend. When nobody was paying attention to you, you quickly escaped to the balcony that was attached to the living room. You took a slow controlled breath and attempted to loosen your body movements. You felt the fresh spring breeze fill your lungs. Winter hadn’t fully passed yet, it was still rather cold outside. Crossing your arms, you leaned them against the railing. Your eyes watched the sun slowly setting behind the buildings at the horizon. The sun casted it golden rays down upon the rooftops, painting the sky shades of orange and pink. Taking this beautiful sight in, your body could finally relax a little.

You heard the balcony door open and close behind you. You didn’t turn around, because you knew the sound of those footsteps. Christian stepped next to you and also leaned against the railing, his eyes following yours, taking in the picture-perfect sight in front of you.

“Are you cold?” He asked when he saw how lightly you were dressed. Without waiting for your answer, he slid the suit jacked down his shoulders, but you stopped him midway. You pulled it back over his shoulders, adjusting it neatly.

“Keep it on. You just recovered from your cold,” you reminded him. He had been lying sick in bed the past few days. Since his fever was quite high you dropped by almost every day after work to check on him. He didn’t really have anyone else to take care of him so you took it upon yourself. It was in your nature as the elder sister to worry too much. You were used to taking care of your sick brother, it wasn’t any different with Christian. It were the same symptoms and you knew exactly what he needed to heal quickly. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized out of the blue.

You turned your head to the side, looking at him through narrowed eyes. You didn’t understand what he was apologzing for. “My family can be a pain in the arse.”

You shook your head at him with a little smile planted on your lips. “They’re lovely people.” “You think?”

“My family is not that big. I only have an uncle. He never had kids so I’ve never experienced something like this. It’s quite fun, except for the interrogation part,” you chuckled lightly. It was the first time you experienced a family reunion like this. Your own family wasn’t that close, you never met up for holidays or birthdays. Your uncle only ever called when he needed something. 

“You’re lucky my aunt hasn’t found the time to talk to you yet,” he told you playfully as he lightly nudged your elbow with his. “I don’t think she can be worse than your cousins.”

“Why? What did they do?” A wide grin played on his lips.

“They asked way too many questions! It felt like my brain was exploding coming up with lies to tell,” you whined. “What kind of questions did they ask?” “How we met, who confessed first, if you’re romantic, how our sex life is, if you treat me good,—“

“Our sex life?” Christian repeated with arched brows. You could see the smug smirk on his lips even though he was trying to hide it. Of course, out of everything you had said, it was that part that caught his attention. “What did you say?” “I said it was good,” you shrugged your shoulders nonchalantly, deciding to completely omitting the part where you fantasized about him.

“Just good? That’s an understatement, you make me look bad!” He grabbed his chest, pretending to feel offended. “You should have said that I am the best you ever had.”

“That would’ve been a lie though,” you immediately retorted without thinking.

“I’m not your best?” He asked you in a high-pitched voice, looking at you in disbelief. “Who is then?”

Christian was, but you didn’t want to admit it to someone whose ego was as big as his. No, you would never admit it to him, because then you wouldn’t hear the end of it. “Kiseok?” He took a guess as you didn’t answer his question. Even now you remained silent. “The way you described him I thought he was a rather selfish lover. Guess he was doing something right,” he then said trying to provoke a reaction from you. Suddenly Christian shifted in his position. He stood in front of you, his hands grabbing the railing, his arms either side of you trapping you in between. 

“Let me redeem myself, then.” He leaned his muscular body against yours, pressing your back against the cold railing. You felt a shiver run down your spine. “I’ll be the best you ever had.” One of his hand slid under your dress, pushing the soft fabric up your thighs. Then it worked its way to your butt, giving it a tight squeeze. His head moved closer and  he covered your mouth with his in a hungry kiss.

“Your family, Christian,” you reminded him sharply as you were struggling to push him away. Truth be told, you actually didn’t want him to stop there, but you weren’t going to embarrass yourself today. Not in front of so many strangers that he called his family. It was only a glass door that separated you from his entire family. Even though they couldn’t see you because of the thick curtain hanging over the door, it was too risky. Somebody could have come barging  in at any given moment. 

“I don’t think I can wait ‘till we get home,” he groaned at the loss of contact. He tried to kiss you again, but you quickly turned your head to the side. Then you felt something hard pressing against your lower abdomen. You lowered your gaze and your jar dropped open at the sight of the bulge in his pants. “You’re unbelievable, Christian,” you shook your head at him as you threw him a glare.

“I can’t help it,” he whined. He bit down on his bottom lip as his eyes caressed your body. 

“You look so sexy today,” he whispered in your ear, before kissing your ear lobe. You felt his hot, uncontrolled breath brushing against your skin. “C’mon, Min.” “Nope,” you shook your head. “Your whole family is right on the other side of the door!”

“Don’t make me beg for it,” he whispered in a pleading tone. He almost had you there, the expression on his face, his deep voice and the way he was looking at you. It was too much for you to handle, you needed to get out of there, before you would give in to him. 

“Take care of it yourself,” you told him, trying to sound as cold and sharp as possible. You smoothly wriggled out of his arms and walked towards the door. “Fuck,” a deep groan left his mouth. “Can you at least stay with me until…my dick has calmed down.”

“Fine,” you turned back again and walked towards him as your eyes mustered him.

“Shit, Minhee, don’t look at me like that. It’s not helping,” he complained out of the blue. “That’s my face!” “Turn around,” he ordered. Not waiting for you to follow his instructions, he grabbed your shoulders and turned you the other way. He closed his eyes, trying to distract himself, trying not to think about the things he wanted to do with you. But the image of your naked body kept reappearing inside of his head and he was getting more and more turned on by the second. “I just took a huge dump today,” you said out of the blue. His eyes shot open. “What?” “It was really nasty and it smelt horribly.” You thought the more disgusting the story you invented was, the quicker his erection would disappear.

“That’s information I didn’t need to know.”

“Did it help though?” “Not at all,” he shook his head with a laugh.“I’m gonna go to the restroom.You need to cover for me though.” He walked behind you so nobody could see his little friend down there. When you reached the restroom, you parted with him. You went back to the living room where the party was at. As you were standing in the room like a lost puppy, his mother walked over to you and kept you company. Although she did ask you a couple questions, she didn’t make you feel like you were being interrogated. The way she was speaking to you, you were the one that wanted to tell her more about yourself. That’s the power she had. You ended up revealing a bit more about yourself than you had originally planned. 

“To be honest, I was a bit scared he wouldn’t be able to love again after Nayeon.”

It was the first time someone mentioned the name of his ex and judging by the how softly she spoke about her, she must have liked her quite a bit. His ex must have gotten along well with his mother. She probably fooled her just like she had Christian wrapped around her fingers. But how was what you were doing right now any different to how his ex played everybody? You weren’t being truthful either, so how could you condemn someone else for doing exactly what you were doing right now.

“He’s someone with a big heart. He just needs to find the right person to give it to. I’m really glad he’s found you. When he told me about you he was grinning from ear to ear. I missed that boyish, carefree look on him. He seems to be really fond of you.” “I don’t think so,” you blurted out without thinking. His mother had such high hopes for you, it didn’t feel right to be lying to her.

“Don’t say something like that, dear. Rome wouldn’t introduce a girl he wasn’t serious about to the family. And I can see why he likes you so much.” “No…he…I-I mean…” you stuttered when you couldn’t find the right words to explain the situation. “We’re not really dating. I’m sorry for lying to you,“ you blurted out without thinking.

“If you’re not his girlfriend, then…” His mother looked at you confused. “I’m just a friend. He asked me to come, because his aunts were pressuring him so much. I’m really sorry.” “It’s ok, dear. My sisters can be kind of…obtrusive sometimes,” she agreed with a laugh. She didn’t seem to be caught off guard by the new information. You expected her to be angry with you, but she seemed to be taking it rather relaxed.  

“But your son is a really great guy. I’m sure he’ll find the right person,” you meant what you said. Those were probably the first true words that you had said today. 

“Sometimes you miss the forest for the trees.”

“What do you mean?” “Never mind. There he is, I’ll leave you two alone,” she nodded to Christian who had just  appeared in the crowd. 

~*~

“What were you talking about with my mum?” “I kinda fucked up. I’m sorry,” you admitted straight away as you swallowed down. “What happened?”

“I couldn’t lie to your mom. She knows we’re just pretending.” You expected him to be angry. He had been a great emotional support to you without asking for anything in return. It was only one simple favor, yet you couldn’t even manage to get through the day without messing up. “Well, it’s my mum,” he sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “She probably knew anyway.”

“You’re not angry?”

“Why would I be?” He looked at you dumbfounded as he let out a laugh. “I got my aunts off my back. That’s what I wanted in the first place.”

“I’ll go get some drinks.” “No,” you hurriedly grabbed his hand, pulling him back. “Please don’t leave me alone with your family,” you said with panic in your eyes. You weren’t sure you would survive another interrogation by his cousins. 

“Okay,” he chuckled softly. “I won’t leave your side.” “You can let me go, you know?” He looked down and your eyes followed his. You didn’t realize you were still holding his hand until he pointed it out.

“Sorry,” you quickly pulled your hand back as if touching fire while an awkward chuckle left your lips.

~*~

[Time leap]

“Mum, we’re heading home first. Minhee has a meeting early in the morning.“

“Where is she?“ His mother looked left and right, searching for you.”She’s waiting in the car.“ Christian wanted to bid goodbye to his mother, but after the incident between you and his mother, it didn’t feel right to appear in front of her again. You felt too guilty for lying.

“Confess to her before it’s too late.“ “What?“ He looked at his mother with big eyes, completely startled by her words. “Mum, it’s not like that. I just asked her to pretend to be my girflfriend, so I won’t have to go on those stupid blind dates.“ “Rome, when do you ever learn that you cannot deceive your own mother? I know my son. And I know when he is in love.”

“I’m not in love with her. Really. She’s a just good friend,“ he denied again as he shook his head. He knew once his mother was set on something, there was no changing her mind whether she was actually right or wrong. But why was he so adamant in proving her wrong right now? Whom was he trying to convince?

“Don’t wait too long or you might miss your chance.“

“I don’t even like her that way. Neither does she,” he tried to explain to his mother. 

“I see the way you look at her. That’s not the look of someone who’s looking at his friend…” “Mum, it’s really not like that. She’s a good friend…and she’s in love with someone else anyway. She was just trying to help me out because I asked her.”

“If you wait too long to acknowledge your feelings, you might lose her.”

~*~

Ever since Christian returned to the car he had been rather quiet. He didn’t talk a lot throughout the ride and it made you wonder if you had said something to irritate him. You tried to backtrack your conversations with him. He didn’t seem angry when you had told him that his mother knew the truth. He was still goofing around with you afterwards. It was only after he went in again to say goodbye to his mother that his mood suddenly changed. It must have had something to do with his mother, you concluded. “Did your mom scold you? I’m sorry. It just didn’t feel right to lie to her.“ “Nah everything’s good,“ Christian quickly shook it off and gave you a reassuring smile. It was a half-hearted smile. You could tell his mind was somewhere else and he didn’t put in much effort to hide it. 

“Why are you so quiet then?“ You probed further. “I’m just a bit tired.“ He closed his eyelids and crossed his arms in front of his chest, sinking into the seat. You reached out one of your hands while the other held the wheel, your eyes still focused on the roads. You touched his forehead to check his temperature which made him flinch. “What are you doing?“ He pushed himself into an upright position, his full attention now on you. “Checking your temperature.“ “I’m good.“ “You sure?“ His forehead was warm, it wasn’t quite a fever yet, but it wasn’t the normal  body temperature either. “I’m fine, Minhee,“ he chuckled.

“Then what’s going through your mind?“

Christian looked away from you, then down at his shoes. Still not meeting your eyes, he touched the watch on his wrist and played with it for a moment. The car remained utterly silent. You heard the sound of his breaths, irregular and shaky. 

“What you said earlier…”

“What exactly?“ You had spent the entire day with him and his family, you had said a lot of things to him. It was impossible to remember everything or guess what he was referring to. “You said you’re not falling in love with me.“ “You’re still worried about that?“ You chuckled, your shoulders falling in relief. You thought it was something serious, but if it was only that bothering him, he had nothing to worry about. “How can you be so sure? I mean it’s possible that you do, isn’t it?“

You spent a moment thinking about it, but you couldn’t imagine dating him, or dating anyone in general right now. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen.“ “Why not?“ “You’re not my type,“ you answered shortly and simply. “What is your type?“ “Well, for starters someone who’s not afraid of commitment.“

“I’ve been in relationships,“ he pointed out matter-of-factly. 

“I know, but…you don’t want to be in one right now, do you?“

“Where did you get that idea?”

“You said that! And you’re not really making an effort in meeting someone or going on dates.”

He didn’t say anything, he couldn’t say anything. After all you were right and he couldn’t dispute that. He was way too busy to meet someone new and go on dates. Getting to know someone was a time-consuming activity and he didn’t have time left to spare. The time he had, he wanted to spend with you. 

“Ian, you don’t have to worry,” you assured him again. “I don’t even wanna be in a  romantic relationship right now, neither do you. I want some time for myself, you know. Just focusing on work and myself, I’ve been neglecting that for too long. It’s just sex, no feelings involved.” You words were supposed to give him assurance. You thought that was what he wanted to hear, but they had a different effect him. Christian remained silent again. He glanced out of the window, then at his feet. His gaze danced around, avoiding yours. 

”If you’re that worried that I might catch feelings, we could just stop-”

“I don’t wanna stop,” he replied almost immediately as though it was a reflex. “What is it that you want then?”

He didn’t answer that question, because he knew he couldn’t have what he wanted. He’d be asking for too much. “You’re right,” he let out a shaky breath. For a moment, there was no sound. 

“Let’s stop.”

~*~

You parked his car in the underground garage of his apartment. You turned off the engine and pulled out the keys, before returning them to their owner.

“I can’t drive you home, because I drank,” he said with an apologetic look on his face.

“I know, I’ll just take a cab.” “You can stay, you know,” he offered as he awkwardly scratched the back his head. “And do what?” Whenever one of you stayed for the night, there was only one purpose. But sex was out of question now that you both came to the mutual agreement to stop. Staying for the night and not sleeping with each other seemed weird to you. It felt wrong.  

“Right…” he let out an awkward chuckle. “Text me, when you’re home.”

~*~

[Time leap]

You were brushing you hair when you heard the sound of the door bell. You hurriedly walked to the intercom while your hands were busy tying your hair into a bun which was rather difficult without a mirror. At times like these, you wondered why you let your hair grow that long in the first place. It would be a lot easier if you just chopped everything off. You turned on the speaker function and told Christian that you would be down in a minute. 

“I’ll come upstairs.”

“Why?” You wondered, but still pressed the button to open the door. I felt a bit weird, he hadn’t taken a step inside your apartment since you both agreed to stop the physical activities. All you ever did at home was related to sex, that’s why you never bothered to invite him in again.You left your apartment door ajar so he could enter himself and stepped in front of the mirror to fix your bun. You heard the door closing, before Christian appeared in front of you. He was carrying a small wooden box in his hands.

“What’s that?” Your eyes followed him. 

“Peaches,” he answered shortly before he led himself into your kitchen with you following behind. He placed it down on the kitchen counter. Clapping his hands together, to wipe off the dust. You stepped next to him and took a peak inside. 

“My aunt grows them in her garden. She sent me two boxes of it and told me to share them with my girlfriend,“ he said with emphasis on the last word. “The perks of being Rome’s fake girlfriend,” you said playfully as you took a quick look at the peaches. They looked delicious. Smiling to yourself, you felt a warm and fuzzy feeling, a feeling you weren’t unfamiliar with. Kiseok’s parents had a little farm where they grew their own crops and they would always sent you some. They made you feel welcomed and loved, just like Christian’s family did. The only difference was that their friendliness was based on a lie. You weren’t really deserving of it.

“Let’s go.” Christian saw the subtle change in your facial expression, so he tried to divert your attention to something else. You quickly grabbed a jacket and followed him to the elevator which really took its time. 

“You sure you wanna watch that movie?” He asked you out of the blue. “Why? What’s wrong with it? I heard it was good.” “I read some reviews…” His face turned dark.

“Don’t tell me you’re scared?“ You broke out into rumbling laughter. You didn’t think he would be scared of horror movies. He always gave a reliable and gutsy impression, someone who wasn’t scared of anything. 

“A little bit?“ He chuckled shyly. “I mean…you should have read the reviews!“ “You said you liked horror movies!” “I don’t.” Since none of your friends wanted to watch that movie with you, you had bothered Christian for over a week until he finally gave in.

“Why did you agree then?” “‘Cause I missed you.”

Your body froze for a brief moment as you blinked at him, a sudden warmth shooting through your body. 

“Now you’re just sweet-talking me,“ you chuckled lightly as you rolled your eyes.

“Did it work though?“ He grinned at you playfully. 

“A little bit,“ you winked at him with a smile.

“So we’re not watching that stupid horror movie?“

“Well, I don’t want you to wet your pants at night,“ you took this perfect opportunity to tease, a smirk spreading across your face.

In this moment a high-pitched tone indicated that the elevator had just arrived. The door slid open, revealing a silhouette standing on the other side. You didn’t pay much attention as you were immersed in the conversation with Christian. Without looking, you walked straight into the elevator. Christian quickly pulled you back, stopping you from bumping into the person in front of you. Confused you looked up, your entire body froze and a string of nerves tightened in your ribs upon seeing that familiar face.

“Kiseok…,” you whispered to yourself, still not believing your eyes. 

“Can we talk?” He asked you with caution, his voice sounded soft. 

“I-I…actually have plans right now.” You wanted the words to be firm, strong, but instead your voice was shaking. You glanced at Christian, with your eyes you pleaded him to help you to get out of this sticky situation, but he didn’t seem to get it, or maybe he did, but he just chose to ignore it.

“I’ll give you two some privacy. I’ll wait in the car,” he told you as he walked into the elevator, leaving your side. No, no, no, Christian, don’t leave me, you shook your head slightly, giving him all the signs you could think of to make him stay. But he didn’t. He waited for Kiseok to leave the elevator, before he pushed the button that brought him to the ground floor.

Fuck, you cursed inside of your head. You didn’t know what to feel right now, overwhelmed with contradictory emotions. You were angry with Christian, as he left you alone with Kiseok without a second thought. You didn’t want to talk to Kiseok. Christian out of everyone should have known how much you dreaded seeing him again. Yet he left. You felt betrayed by someone you thought would have your back when you needed him. At the same time you felt hurt and scared of the conversation that was about to come. 

“What do you want, Kiseok? Did Jay send you?“ You quickly regained your composure, not wanting him to see you in a vulnerable state. “No, I decided to come myself.“

“Why? You have more insults you want to rid yourself of?“ You asked him in a mocking tone. “I’m sorry for how I behaved at the party. It was inappropriate,” he said out of the sudden. An apology coming from him was the thing you least expected. “I got jealous when I saw you with him.“ It had been a while since you heard honest words coming out of his mouth. “And you thought picking a fight with me in public would it make it better?“ You snarled back at him with sarcasm. 

“No…I-I didn’t think at all to be honest. I had one too many and I leashed out at you.“ You knew it was a sincere apology, yet you weren’t satisfied. You weren’t sure what you wanted to hear from him, but nothing he said could subdue the anger you felt towards him. It wasn’t only anger either, more than anything you felt hurt and betrayed. “You’re excuses are getting worse.“ “Look, Minhee, it’s not easy for me. We’ve been together for so long.“ “And you think it’s easy for me?“ You looked at him in disbelief as you let out a scoff.

“Well, you’ve found yourself someone else pretty quickly.“ “It was just sex.“ You didn’t even know why you felt the need to set it straight. It was none of his business anyway. It was your life which he wasn’t a part of anymore due to his own doing. “I saw the way you looked at him.“ “And how am I looking at him?“ “The same way you used to look at me.“ You shook your head at him and let out a chuckle in disbelief. “God, you’re so paranoid. I’m not in love with him. I think I’d be the first one to know if I like someone or not.”

“What is he doing here then? I know you, Min. You don’t invite just anyone to your home.” You had no idea how the apology turned into an interrogation and you didn’t feel comfortable with the direction the conversation took.

“I don’t owe you an explanation, Kiseok.” “It’s just unfair that you get to move on with your life while I’m still miserable.“ “You have no right to say that. You walked out on us the moment you fucked her and lied to me.“ “I only lied to you because I didn’t want to hurt you and I didn’t want to lose you.“

“Well, you hurt me and you lost me, so that plan of yours didn’t work out very well, did it?“

“I’ve made a mistake, Minhee. I know that and I know it’s not something I can’t fix with a simple apology. But I’m trying. I’m really trying to fix it, because I can’t throw away the past four years just like that. You mean too much to me. I can’t just let you go like that. I can’t give up like this.”

In the silence that followed, you broke your gaze preferring instead to rest your eyes on the elevator behind him. “Is there nothing I can do to win back your trust?“ “I don’t know,” you answered truthfully. Would you ever be able to trust him again after all the lies he had told? Would you ever be able to believe his words without having any doubts? Was his word even worth anything anymore?

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?“ “I don’t know, Kiseok.“ “Do you still have feelings for me?“

Wow, this was a pretty long chapter! The longest yet I think? Hope it wasn’t too boring to read haha. What do you guys think? Is his mother right? Why did Christian leave so suddenly? What will Minhee's answer be? Are you Team Kiseok or Team Christian? Looking forward to reading your comments! :) And I hope you all are staying healthy! 

[aph1wonderland]

Kay of Haru

(Melee Whip, Polearm/ Hydro/ 4 star)

Birthday: 1/11

Personality: "Kay is known for being a motherly figure in the Adventuring guild and rest of Liyue. However her roots are not grown in Liyue, but however in Inazuma. Best person to ask for charity and perhaps known to be around Zhongli's confidant, considering her curiosity of the world thrives from him.”

Constellation: Syreni

Introduction: Hello nice to meet you dear traveler, I am Kay of Haru. Please just call me Kay and do not hesitate and ask me for anything. I’m willing to help you the best I can.

Good morning: Dear Traveler it’s time to wake up and start the day feeling energized! I got nice warm breakfast ready for you and Paimon, don’t want that to become cold. Now would you?

Good afternoon: It’s time to take a break for lunch, don’t worry Paimon I got some for you too.

Good evening: Hm I think we should set camp soon, it’s getting dark soon dear Traveler. Don’t forget to start the fire.

Good night: Traveler you must rest. Staying up late for someone as young as you must keep their life balance. Who knows when you’ll find yourself knocked out in battle out of no where.

Chat- Operation: Are you alright dear traveler, I wouldn’t mind carrying you if you ask for it. It’s nothing to get embarrassed about. All you need to do is ask.

Chat- I hope Mister Zhongli is doing alright. I do worry a lot about him. But I know he can take care of himself. I hope I didn’t forget anything!

Interesting things- I wonder if I make plush dolls out of those wool from those sheep’s if we pass by them. Maybe we could make one in Paimon’s image? Oh how cute that could be, perhaps it’ll improve your comfort in rest.

Embarrassing things: You know when I first started to settled in Liyue.. I perhaps felt embarrassed or perhaps flustered to look at the Rex Lapis Statues of Liyue.. I-it’s not like I haven’t seen a male body, considering training for my brothers in the past. I had to patch them up to be men.. What I’m trying to say, it just feels different if it’s another man outside of the family.

About us- Dear Traveler, I’m curious if the places, perhaps worlds you’ve been. It must have been dangerous or even exciting to find new discoveries. Differences between you and me are vast, I do wish for you the best of luck in your journey. No matter how long and treacherous, my loyalty to you is unbound. So don’t give up so easily! You’ll meet them soon, I just know it!

About Zhongli- Mister Zhongli is pretty tall, perhaps even taller than men in my hometown and some in Liyue. He likes talking about Liyue, honestly the most fun I had when I arrived here. That man is an old soul no doubt, perhaps if Zhongli ever thinks of writing his knowledge he knows about Liyue. He could earn back mora atleast, his words of wisdom about this country is worth wealth. To me or to anyone who takes advice into consideration, from experience as a guide. But as always I wouldn’t mind gifting him food sometimes if he allows me without asking what I want in return. Please don’t give me Mora, keep it for yourself. If he was persistent enough to for an equivalent in contracts he speaks so highly of, spending time with him is my only excuse. Anything farther is his old stories of Liyue.

About Childe- I’m worried, he seems nice when he talks sometimes. Perhaps even generous.. However, I do not know well enough about Snezhnaya’s current state of affairs. But I know the Fatuis recruits are rumored to coming from there.. His family sounds nice to have a brother like him. Sadly he feels like like I’m standing near a cryo user, he does has his moments atleast. I feel like I’m opposed from him. He’s a good brother and I am nothing close to that.

About Xiangling- Shes adorable! Ohh she’s greatest at helping me cook when either of us decide to visit each other. She’s creative and bright Child for age. She’ll take on the world of taste by storm, the wild fire, as long as you don’t eat too much Jueyun chili. The uses of them from her is uncanny, maybe she’ll bring new ideas to me next time I see her.

About few characters in Liyue- I never thought I’ll meet them sometimes and there it is. I heard a lot things people from Mister Zhongli. Perhaps I rely him abit too much even a man like him could struggle in socializing without quipping at few improvements. He’s right about Liyue being beautiful, rich in people. That’s what I like about humanity, however I cannot ignore the fact there is dark side to anything.

About Mondstadt- Oh my! Perhaps you could tell me how was Mondstadt!? I really haven’t been farther than my home in Liyue, comparing my childhood of Inazuma.. Considering only knowledgeable people around that region closest to me is Merchants and Mister Zhongli.

About the Rite of Descension- I never fully participated it, mostly because I tend to keep myself busy to stay around. For someone who has lived in Liyue I may sound like a workaholic hermit, but Mister Zhongli always makes it sound intresting.. I tend to keep my garden and Mister Zhongli healthy at least. Well Childe now too, I think he’s happy he don’t have to spend much each day on Mister Zhongli.

More about Kay I- I fear for the state of Inazuma, I just heard recently dear traveler. My fear for meeting my parents by a glance is enough to bring me to my knees. I love my mother, not for who she is but who the part she tries to teach me that there is hardships in life. My father is not loved by me nor my mother in the end, he is a terrifying feature of a man.

More of Kay II- My mother is a feeble woman, she is broken from a warrior spirit to a eternity to my father. I want to break that Clan’s cycle. She doesn’t deserve to be tormented with a daughter who doesn’t want to be part it. My Clan specializes in bridal arrangements. I am a failed part of one them. Because I ran, these arrangements in my eyes are empty but heavy in mora and possibly tears along the way.

More of Kay III- Oh, you’re curious about the Clan’s traditions? They raise their daughters and sons to sold into arrangements pieces for wealth social status and we are perfected to do our part. Be the perfect wife and husband to our chosen partners. I am a terrible person to abandon my siblings. I couldn’t help them.. I am a coward.

More of Kay IV- I hope they’re doing well... I hope. I know it’s difficult to see the sky so clear, the moon is something feels like a cryo vision. The chill I worry about that feeling, it’s nips you when you feel lonely. Maybe I should cover up more next time. I wish I had my haori, I miss the smell of flowers I planted when I was younger.. Maybe I should start growing some and ask- Wait should I even try?

More of Kay V- Cooking and Learning both a heavy burden but something I love. For its all I know from my family, but the happiness from my older siblings are worth the price time could take from me. Feeling like this should be brought to those who show compassion and willing to open up to the truth no matter how bitter it tastes.

Kay’s Hobbies’- I like to learn, cook and clean! Oh it might sound dull of me to say. I do like gardening and spending time with you then! Simple things in life is better when time is on your side. Sleeping in the Sunny shade under the tree is nice.

Kay’s Troubles- I heard you met someone who seems to be from Izazuma. Remembering that place feels constricting around  my heart. However your will.. I’m jealous how courageous and persevering you can be! Go go traveler! You can do it! Don’t give up so soon! Oh right.. Mister Zhongli.. I’m possibly too reliant on his knowledge like how people are to Rex Lapis..

Birthday- Happy Birthday Dear and Beloved Traveler! Do you need anything to eat? I can make anything you want, don’t hesitate to be greedy. You’re still getting stronger each passing day I wish you luck continuing on your travels!

Dislike food- Eternity feels nauseous in word and how it’s defined. Oh foods? I’m not really picky. I wouldn’t mind helping you learn how to cook. Oh my that’s a lot of things we shouldn’t waste..

Likes- Comfort is a lovely feeling, I wish I could help you feel the same. Perhaps I could treat you my recent findings with Xiangling.

When it rains- I have an umbrella just incase. Here Traveler! You mustn’t get sick, you have someone waiting for you.

Sunny- Ah, feel the warmth of the sun. Hope the best on a good day!

Feelings about Ascension- Intro= Hmm. Will I be stronger, perhaps with you I can.

Building up= What a strange feeling. Perhaps you are the reason I feel different?

Climax= I won’t let your efforts go to waste! Let’s not lose our sights on the goal!

Conclusion= Comfort is a difficult price to earn, as for peace of mind is silent but deadly at heart for those to aspire to reach the heart of it all.

[jumukus]

A3! Event: Starring Party ‘Stories of ‘24′ 2′ Translation

Let’s watch the video messages from everyone! p.s. the words in italic mean they’re taken from the video.

Citron: Hello, I'm Citron~! I played Tennis Saionji in Spring Troupe's sixth play "Harugaoka Quartet".

Izumi: It's Enis Saionji!

Citron: Oops, I said it wrong.

Banri: We're going hard right from the start, huh.

Citron: So I'm the first one!

Kazunari: I compiled the videos in reverse order.

Citron: I had a lot of fun when my turn to be the lead actor finally came. After all, I was merely an extra in our first play. I thought I was being bullied!

Tsuzuru: That's because you couldn't even say your lines, duh!

Citron: I was really happy to be able to perform my favorite violin-themed play with my beloved troupe members.

It's all thanks to Tsuzuru. I appreciate it.

Tsuzuru: I didn't do anything special…

Citron: I'll have him rewrite "RomiJuli" script and make Friar Laurence the lead at this rate!

Tsuzuru: Hey, hold it right there!

Citron: In my "spring," I'm not alone. I'm with everyone. Let's keep traveling the world through various plays!

Chikage: I'm not sure whether to feel moved or to laugh.

Itaru: That's Citron for you.

Masumi: He's the same as ever.

Sakuya: Let's keep performing together, Citron-san!

Muku: Eh, um, ah, uhhh…!

Yuki: You're too nervous.

Misumi: Hang in there~!

Izumi: Muku-kun, calm down.

Muku: Y-Yes!

Uhh… I'm Muku Sakisaka. I played Florence in Summer Troupe's sixth play "Floral Prince".

This play is really, really precious to me, since I've got to play my dream role, a prince.

I didn't have any confidence at first. But thanks to everyone in the Summer Troupe who supported and encouraged me, my dream came true on the stage.

I could take on the lead role because I've been rehearsing together with them ever since I joined this troupe, not only in this play.

Kyu-chan has known about my dream since we were kids, and standing onstage with him as the semi-lead was reassuring. Thank you.

Kumon: Me too, thank you!

Muku: I'll continue to work hard to become an ideal prince. Please take care of me!

Misumi: I'm sure Muku can become all types of princes~!

Yuki: Anyway, your standard of an ideal prince seems to be high.

Kazunari: I think Mukkun is already princely enough~.

Tenma: Good luck.

Muku: Yup!

Juza: I'm Juza Hyodo, portraying Blood in Autumn Troupe's sixth play "Fallen Blood".

Since this play marked the first time I took on the lead role, it made me think about a lot of things, like my potential as an actor and my goal.

I still don't know how far I can go, and how I'm supposed to be as an actor now. I still can't decide on that.

But one thing for sure, I'll continue to live my life on the stage. I'll break my butt to tell the life of the characters entrusted to me.

In order to do that, I'll move forward to polish my acting. It doesn't matter whether I'm clumsy or slow. I'm going to do it.

The video Omi-san took at the time has become my precious treasure. Thanks.

Omi: Glad the video was helpful.

Juza: I'll re-watch the video over and over again whenever I hit a wallーー.

Except Settsu's part.

Banri: You bastard!

Taichi: Ahaha!

Sakyo: God, don't be sloppy.

Azami: But that's just so like Juza-san.

Hisoka: Hisoka Mikage, playing Liam in Winter Troupe's sixth play "Risky Game".

...What should I say?

Izumi: Anything is fine, like how you felt when you got chosen as the lead role or any memorable moments.

Hisoka: Lead role, huh… I've got so many lines.

Tasuku: Hey. After all that, and that's what you've got to say?

Tsumugi: That's just like Hisoka-kun.

Hisoka: But I've got to remember something precious because of this play. Thanks to everyone… I was able to meet someone important to me once again.

Homare: Good for you, Hisoka-kun.

Hisoka: I'll continue to live as actor Hisoka Mikage, together with them…

Azuma: Yeap. Let's keep working together.

Guy: I look forward to seeing Hisoka Mikage's acting in the future.

Itaru: I'm Itaru Chigasaki. I played Lancelot in Spring Troupe's fifth play "Knight of Round IV THE STAGE".

I think it'll take around an hour for me to talk about Kniroun. Is that okay?

Izumi: Please make it short!

Itaru: Got it.

Back then, I have never ever imagined becoming Lancelot from my favorite Kniroun game.

Even though I had issues with the gap between my ideal Lancelot and the reality during our rehearsals, I had fun.

After all, I've got to play the game with everyone… I had so much fun I wanted to tell my younger self about it.

A new installment is gonna be released soon, so I'll continue to devote myself to conquering the games.

Tsuzuru: Please devote yourself to our plays!

Masumi: He doesn't grow at all.

Citron: Itaru is Itaru!

Sakuya: Let's play together again!

Itaru: Speaking of which, senpai, how many hours is your total playtime?

Chikage: ...It's a secret.

Itaru: Come on, isn't it fine to spill it now?

Chikage: I have too many save files to count.

Itaru: Seriously?

Citron: What an admirable addict!

Kazunari: Heya, Kazunari Miyoshi here! I played Kiichi in Summer Troupe's fifth play "SHI★NO★BI Misadventuring".

Leading a play was not an easy task, but I had a lot of fun~. All six of us drew togetherーwe made so many memories.

I had a blast doing action scenes with Sumi!

Misumi: Me too~!

Kazunari: I've gotta admit there was pressure in becoming the starring actor, so I'm glad I learned how hard it is to be one.

Because of that, I've come to understand further how everyone feels when they're chosen to be the starring actors!

I'll continue to be your perfect support!

By the way, I've come to cherish my passion for both acting and art even more through this play.

I don't wanna give up either. I don't wanna settle on one. I'll succeed in both. With that said, please continue to take care of me!

Muku: Likewise!

Kumon: I'll be in your care too!

Yuki: I won't lose to you.

Tenma: I'll be stricter during our rehearsals.

Kazunari: Go easy on me on that one!

Misumi: Let's do action scenes together again!

Taichi: I'm Taichi Nanao, playing Chan in Autumn Troupe's fifth play "Fire Up, Mantou Fist!"

I felt complicated back when I was chosen to be the lead actor for this play. It sure made me happy, but I wasn't sure whether I was good enoughーー.

No, this isn't good. Lemme do it one more time! Please cut this part out!

Taichi: They didn't cut this out…!

Banri: They keep this one, huh.

Taichi: Umm, I was so happy and pumped up to be the starring actor. I might make mistakes in certain parts, but I had fun!

I'm so lucky I could lead a play as Autumn Troupe's Taichi Nanao.

I'll keep working hard so that I won't embarrass everyone in Autumn Troupe. I'll be an actor that can make everyone proud!

I'm aiming to be the star performer of Autumn Troupe!

Sakyo: What a thing to say.

Banri: Bring it on.

Juza: I won't lose.

Taichi: Ugh… I should've just settled with the fourth best actor, after all.

Azami: It's too early to give up.

Omi: Haha, let's do our best together.

Tasuku: I'm Tasuku Takato, playing Musashi Miyamoto in Winter Troupe's fifth play "Die by the Sword".

This wasn't my first time leading a play, but I've got to admit it felt kind of different when I did it as a member of MANKAI Company's Winter Troupe.

Through this play, I've got the chance to think about the reason why I'm in this troupe, and what kind of an actor I'm supposed to be.

I'll keep going as an actor of Winter Troupe, Takato Tasuku.

After all, performing with my fellow Winter Troupe members has become an important thing to me.

I don't know what will happen in the future, but I'm going to carefully determine what kind of an actor I'll be.

Azuma: Fufu, you're so stiff.

Guy: It was a very Takato-like message.

Homare: I've got to hand it to Tasuku-kun. He's strict with himself when it comes to acting.

Hisoka: Totally different from Arisu.

Homare: I don't want to hear that from you.

Tsumugi: Guess I need to think about how I should be as an actor too.

Chikage: I'm Chikage Utsuki. I portrayed Oz in Spring Troupe's fourth play "The Wonderful Charlatan of Oz".

My recollection of the play, huh… the only thing I remember is that I've caused troubles.

I've also given you so much trouble that time, director-san.

Izumi: No, it's okay.

Chikage: But well, I'm going to make up for it.

Izumi: It's alright. You don't have to.

Citron: Let's go eat Yakiniku! Chikage will treat us.

Tsuzuru: Sounds great.

Masumi: Let’s invite all troupe members.

Chikage: I got attacked right away, huh.

Chikage: Back when I just entered the troupe, I’ve never thought I’d stay this long.

Nor have I thought I’d spend my days with these feelings…

Since this troupe has become a place where I’ve got a precious family, I need to treasure it. I’ll be in your care.

Sakuya: The same goes for me!

Itaru: I look forward to the yakiniku.

Izumi: I’m fine with curry too!

Chikage: Alright, alright.

Kumon: I’m Kumon Hyodo, playing Souta Akiyama in Summer Troupe’s fourth play “First Crush Baseball”!

First Crush Baseball is the first play I ever performed and the first play I ever led. I was so clueless at first.

But because everyone taught and supported me, I was able to go on until our final performance.

The fact that I could stand on the stage without collapsing until the end made me so happy…

Thanks to this play, I've gained confidence from the fact I could accomplish something.

This is all thanks to everyone in Summer Troupe who accepted me. I’m glad I joined Summer Troupe. I love you all!

Misumi: I love Kumon too!

Kazunari: Me too, me too!

Yuki: But well, your current acting is better than that time.

Tenma: That’s right. You’ve greatly improved.

Kumon: Seriously!? Yeeaaay! I’ll work harder!

Muku: Let’s do our best together!

Azami: I’m Azami Izumida, portraying Abel in Autumn Troupe’s fourth play “DEAD/UNDEAD”.

Back when I ran away from home, I never would have thought I’d perform onstage. But well, I had a blast beating up shitty Sakyo on the stage.

Sakyo: ...Hey.

Azami: I got to do makeup to my heart’s content, and now I feel like I really could go on living with makeup for the rest of my life.

I’m glad I joined this theater troupe. There’s a lot of interesting people here, and I never run out of people to use as guinea pigs when I want to test my new makeup.

I’ll study makeup more and improve my acting.

Banri: Yo, good luck with that.

Juza: I expect a lot from you.

Omi: Ever since this play, our stage photos look nicer than before. It’s all thanks to you, Azami.

Taichi: I’ve become cooler thanks to your makeup too, A-chan!

Sakyo: Putting makeup aside, you still have a lot to learn in acting.

Azami: Shaddup.

Guy: My name is Guy. I played Phantom in Winter Troupe’s fourth play “Le Fantôme de l' Opéra”.

Back when I stood on the stage, I thought I was just going with the flow. But now that I think about it again, everything went as Citronia intended.

Citron: Of course it did.

Guy: I’ve got to know the things Citronia deemed precious after coming to this country and joining this theater troupe.

I myself was able to regain my precious memories and take off the armor that has restrained me for so long.

And as I spend my days here, I continue to discover new sides of myself.

Strangely enough, I don’t hate this. Rather, I want to keep enjoying these changes.

Tsumugi: You were an android at first, right.

Guy: Yes. That was what I believed.

Tasuku: Those days felt like an eternity ago.

Hisoka: ...You’ve changed.

Homare: Yes, and in a good way.

Azuma: You’ve become more human now. That’s great.

Citron: He’s still as hopeless as ever, though.

Guy: I’ll do my best.

Tsuzuru: I’m Tsuzuru Minagi, playing Luke in Spring Troupe’s third play “A Clockwork Heart”.

This play, which I led, was the most unforgettable play for me. Everything is etched deep in my heart, including my self-reflection.

Itaru: Dude, you spoke freaking smoothly in this one.

Masumi: Unbelievable.

Chikage: Were you reading notes?

Tsuzuru: Ughーー.

Izumi: They got you.

Tsuzuru: At the time, I looked back at the reason why I wanted to write scripts and do theater in the first place.

I’d like to keep doing my best in both script writing and acting without throwing away my beginner’s spirit.

And even though I got swayed a lot by my co-lead Citron, he saved me in an unexpected time and place. I appreciate it.

I can’t thank you enough. I look forward to continuing working with you all.

Citron: Same here!

Sakuya: You two are the best pair from Spring Troupe!

Misumi: Hello, I’m Misumi Ikaruga. I played Sky in Summer Troupe’s third play “Captain Sky Pirates”.

You see~ I found 54 triangles during this play~!

Tenma: You sure remember that kind of thing well, huh!

Yuki: What a waste of memorizing skill.

Misumi: Among the triangles I found that time, the one I like the most was the big triangle we saw in the night sky.

Ever since I joined this theater troupe, I found lots of precious triangles. I want to let grandpa know about it one day.

Kazunari: You still have more and more triangles to add to your collection.

Muku: Let’s collect so many triangles you can’t even count them!

Kumon: I’ll help you find them!

Misumi: Yup~! Let’s go find lots of triangles~!

Sakyo: I’m Sakyo Furuichi, portraying Ginji Kazama in Autumn Troupe’s third play “Tales of Chivalry: Ginji the Wanderer”.

I couldn’t stop thinking it was too late for me to be the lead actor, but I’ve gotta admit, I learned a lot at the time. Furthermore, I once again realized I’m still lacking experience.

I’m gonna keep on learning very seriously, shamelessly and move forward.

Banri: Oh shit, so scary, what a scary man.

Azami: So childish.

Sakyo: Age and experience don’t matter on the stage. This is a serious fight. Prepare yourself.

Juza: Bring it on.

Taichi: Somehow, that part just now sounded like a criminal declaration!

Omi: His statement sure is powerful.

Azuma: I’m Azuma Yukishiro, playing Reo Kuto in Winter Troupe’s third play “Nocturnality”.

I can't say I got especially attached to the play just because I played the lead role, but I felt the bond between Winter Troupe members got stronger at that time.

I could take a step forward thanks to Tasuku. I'm glad we performed this play.

Tasuku: I didn't do anything special… I just thought it was necessary for the play.

Homare: So it has something to do with the play in the end.

Hisoka: What a theater fool.

Azuma: But that's just how Tasuku really is.

Tsumugi: Yes, even his dishonest side.

Azuma: Compared to that time, with Guy joining us, the Winter Troupe is changing little by little.

I think this is a nice change, though. I feel at ease with you guys. Look forward to continuing working with you.

Tsumugi: Same here.

Guy: I'll be in your care.

Masumi: I'm Masumi Usui, playing Alice in Spring Troupe's second play "Boy Alice in Wonderland".

….

Izumi: Masumi-kun, the camera is over here! Look here!

Masumi: But I want to look at you…

Izumi: ...I'll move, then.

Masumi: Can I express my feelings for you?

Izumi: I rather have you express your feelings towards the play!

Masumi: ...Itaru was annoying.

Itaru: Heeey.

Masumi: We took a long time to finish rehearsing.

Tsuzuru: That was because you kept trying to impress the director and criticized us too much!

Masumi: Itaru was annoying.

Chikage: You must have been really annoying at that time.

Itaru: …

Masumi: But I think the play turned out great.

Izumi: Yes, I feel the same.

Sakuya: I think so too!

Masumi: My acting has gotten better since that time. I'll continue to improve so much you can't even take your eyes off me. Keep looking at me and me only.

Citron: He kept staring at the director the whole time!

Tsuzuru: That's Masumi for ya.

Yuki: I'm Yuki Rurikawa, portraying Shiro in Summer Troupe's second play "The Adventure for Sardines".

The thing I remember the most during this play was that I caused everyone's troubles, since I struggled to juggle between my position as the lead actor and the costume designer.

Kazunari helped me a lot.

Kazunari: It's no biggie~!

Yuki: But compared to that time, I've grown now.

I mean, it's thanks to the events at the time that I'm now able to balance acting and costume making well.

I only started acting because I wanted to get feedback for the costumes I made, but now I genuinely find acting fun.

I find it fun to stand onstage and produce a play together with everyone. It's a different kind of fun from making costumes.

I've learned a lot of things by doing both, so I won't settle on just one and continue doing them all.

Kumon: Let's continue working together~!

Muku: Let's do our best together!

Misumi: I love Yuki's costumes!

Tenma: Well, your acting has certainly gotten better since that time.

Yuki: You're still as arrogant as ever though.

Tenma: What!?

Omi: I'm Omi Fushimi. I played Wolf in Autumn Troupe's second play "Stranger".

It feels rather embarrassing to have someone shoot me when I've always been the one filming.

For me, this play means much more than just being the play that I led.

It's hard to put it into words, but…

This play made me, who's always been looking at the past, face forward and walk towards the future.

Now, I plan to chase the dream that my friend gave me for my own sake.

Taichi: Good for you, Omi-kun!

Omi: Thanks for your help that time.

Taichi: Your welcome!

Sakyo: Fushimi broke out of his shell during this play.

Banri: His acting changed a lot. I still remember it.

Juza: It was stimulating.

Omi: Haha. I hope I can grow further than that time.

Homare: I'm Homare Arisugawa. I played Tooru Sagishima in Winter Troupe's second play "The Master Likes a Mystery".

For me, the most unforgettable thing during this play was definitely my grandmother's watch.

I feel like this watch gave me the opportunity to be able to touch everyone's hearts little by little.

Especially Hisoka-kun. I never thought he'd do something for the sake of other people, and not just marshmallows.

Hisoka: It's because Arisu was hopeless.

Homare: You're right, I won't deny it. You helped me out back then.

Homare: This play turned out great because of Hisoka-kun and everyone.

Unlike poems, a play is something that you create with other people. It's too difficult for me alone, but that's what makes it very interesting.

No matter how many times I experienced it, I've never gotten tired of it. I think it's a wonderful thing.

Oh! I've found some poem inspiration. Ahemーー.

(video shuts down abruptly)

Guy: Oh, the video got cut.

Homare: Why did you cut off that part!?

Izumi: Huh? That's weird. There must be some technical issues…

Tasuku: He was going off topic, anyway. Perfect timing.

Homare: But that was part of my video message!

Tsumugi: Please let me hear it after this.

Azuma: I’d like to hear it too.

Homare: All right! I shall organize a recitation later, then.

< ‘Stories of 24′ 1 | Masterlist | ‘Stories of 24′ 3 >

[myheroaizawashota]

“Aizawa handling seeing Mic for the first time since being revealed as the U.A traitor.”

[Ive been thinking about writing something like this for a while now, but after seeing these two (http://vm.tiktok.com/dNCBgb/) bring this idea to life i couldn’t help but sit myself down, cry for a minute, and then FINALLY write it. I know this is a bit different than we’re used to on this blog, but bare with me here. This is an Aizawa x Traitor!Mic one shot, so sorry to disappoint those of you who don’t ship it or don’t believe in Traitor Mic ooooor are only here for my teacher trio x reader content! I promise you that content will be continued after this!]

[PS to Lizzie and Jordyn: I am SO SORRY that this has taken substantially long :) fun fact I’ve restarted this fiction uh about 4 times, because I couldn’t solidly figure out how to open the fiction. I didn’t forget about it, nor was I promising you false dreams here haha I’m just absolute booty when it comes to openers. Hope you enjoy.]

[photo credit to the amazing artist @ask-hizashi-and-shouta]

A flash of dulling lumincent light crawled out from the underside of the local night market’s weathered canopy, it’s haze contouring along the right side of the clinical erasure pro’s face as his feet seemed to aimlessly carry him back towards the solitary isolation of his haunted home. These days the underground hero blew through the streets in a desperate attempt to avoid the memories that tainted the walls of his living space. He could remember a time when being in the comfort of his own company was the envy of his dreams, but now he did just about anything he could to avoid being alone with his own thoughts. The down pours of tonight’s abysmal sky hardly phases the man as heaven’s tears began to soak through the bangs of Shouta’s rich raven hair. After the week he’d had a few droplets of moisture condensed from the atmosphere did little to cause a reaction from him. If he was being entirely honest he couldn’t feel a damn thing, both emotionally and physically. His body had began to grow numb to the world around him as his mind shifted to disconnect from the unwanted reality he had been presented.

As thunder crackled through the ghostly alley of the eerily quiet market the hero began to show a slight urgency in his pacing. While he wasn’t afraid of the sound, he knew logically being caught in a storm like this wouldn’t be a genuinely smart thing. Moving with slightly more purpose, the man couldn’t help but grow distracted as his eyes caught the top headline of the news stand just in the edge of his view, “Present Mic: The Famed U.A Traitor Still At Large, Authorities Have No Leads.”

Clenching his jaw he turned his head away from the article, constricting his fingers around the thick plastic handle of the bag he carried, the sudden force causing the top of his knuckles to fade white. He knew it was irrational to care and hurt the way he did, but that didn’t stop his emotions from betraying his mind. Pushing past the feelings the clawed to free themselves from both his tired eyes and heavy chest, Aizawa finally arrived home. Haphazardly he dropped the bag right where he stood just inches inside his front door, he not caring about the safety of his items. It was just pantry goods anyway, things he kept for when...company came. Christ, he didn’t even know why he still was continuing to buy these crap snacks, something in him just compelled him to grab them. It wasn’t like they’d be eaten. Factually Shouta never cared for sweets, so the likelyhood they’d be consumed by him was slim. Drenched and dripping, he uncomfortably made his way through the house heading for his bedroom. Not making it more than two footsteps, an unease began to grow inside the typically steady pro. With the sound of a faint thud coming from the room he’d been inbound too, his hands constricted around the damp scarf that clung to his neck, he approaching with caution. Great, a break in was the last thing he needed right now. With the same stealth and swiftness he was known for in his work, he deployed his weapon, the fabric of it tightening as it made contact with a body. “You must either be really stupid or have a death wish to intrude her-“ he couldn’t help but pause as shock rushed his body. Stood in front of him were a set of painfully fimiliar green eyes and a smile that killed him to see. While his apprerance had been altered drastically, the long blonde locks the other sported now dyed and chopped, he was still recognizable to the Eraser hero. Uncontrollably his lip began to quiver, teeth digging into his tongue as he pressed it roughly to the inside of his cheek. Releasing the weapons hold, he turned his back to the fimiliar stranger, aggressively rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands. “You’re an idiot. Why are you here?”

“I had no where else to go...” came the response. It was quiet and almost defeated, and while sensibly Aizawa knew he shouldn’t have cared....he did.

Not responding to the traitor behind him, his body instinctively began to close off to the other. His arms moved to cross over his chest as he stood distanced both spiritually and physically. It was a subtitle change in the mans body language, but Hizashi could see it. After sixteen years with the stoic man he’d finally began to pick up on the minute tells the other let off on the rare occasions he let himself display his emotions. While it wasn’t something most people would take notice too, Hizashi did. It was evident to him the man was hurt. “Come on, don’t do this. Please just talk to me...” The tone of the once admired voice hero sounded nearly as broken as his counter part felt.

As if some nerve had been struck inside the shorter of the two men, Shoutas body spun to face Hizashi his fist wrapping around the fabric of his shirt. What nerve did the other have to think he could just break in and act like nothing even happened. “Don’t....don’t you walk back into my life and pretend like this is okay. It’s not okay! None of this, is okay.”

The former blonde was taken back by the harsh emotion filled outburst his ex lover, ex friend, and ex confidant had displayed. For Shouta to express himself like this, it must of been bad. “Just...calm down...listen to me alright? I never meant to hurt you.”

An audiable laugh came from the typically reclused ravenette. “As if you’ve been truthful with me up until this point. I trusted you....I let you in when I should have kept you at an arms length like I do everyone else. Tell me exactly why I should believe a single thing you say to me. Out of the sixteen years I’ve spent with you how much of it was lies.” He hissed hand moving to press the others body harshly into the wall “out of sixteen years, how long have you been pretending to be my friend, to care about me!”

“I never pretended....I’ve always cared about you Shouta. Everything I’ve ever said to you about how I feel has been one hundred percent! Everything I have ever done has been to protect you alright!” Tears began to form in Hizashi’s eyes as his hand moved to rest against his friends, he working to loosen the other’s grip. “I don’t care if you wanna believe me or not okay? That’s your burden to carry, but I know that every time I ever looked you in the eyes and told you how much I loved you, alright that was real! Every time I ever smiled or laughed, or told you that you meant the world to me, that was real! I didn’t take this traitor gig to hurt you alright, I did it to protect you!”

“Protect me, oh that’s laughable!” Shouta let his hands drop the others body, the tears he’d been fighting back for a week now starting to bubble to the surface as his finger tips moved to trace over the scar under his eye “this? This was protecting me? Do you have any idea how idiotic and illogical you sound right now!”

Hizashi turned his gaze away from the others face, it riddled him with guilt to look at the thick scar the other wore. “I was promised you weren’t going to get hurt....you’re not the only one who was lied too....” gently rubbing his hands over his face, the no longer boisterous voice hero gave a groan. “They only wanted All Might. I was just suppose to tell them where and when to find him. Information in exchange for yours and the kids safety. That’s all it was suppose to be. I wasn’t banking on All Might powering down before the trip even started, okay? How was I suppose to know the guy was gonna be a no show and they’d go after you and the kids Shouta!”

“Because they are villains Hizashi! They were villains and you just bent right into their will! What did they have on you that was so incriminating that you would trust them you idiotic loud mouthed -“

“You! They had you...” hizashis voice was abrupt, a small crack to its tone as he spoke. Casting his eyes to the floor his lips twitched from side to side, as he tugged at his collar. “Call me idiotic or irrational or whatever else you’d say typically say to me....but these guys aren’t the local band, they’re the headliners in this rock show and they are some seriously terrifying cats!”

Shouta couldn’t stand to listen to the other any longer, his fist clenching at his side. Even if there was a truth to anything the former pro had to say, it infuriated Aizawa that the other thought this was a battle he needed to fight alone. Knowing if he stayed in the same room any longer with the painfully recognizable face in front of him, he was bound to make a move he’d immediately regret. Turning his back, he clenched his jaw exited the room. Against his better judgment, the irrationality of his emotions kicked in. He could feel his eyes sting with aggravation and sorrow, his chest weighted and tight. “You can stay for tonight. So help me, you better be gone come morning Hizashi, or else.”

With no more left to say to the other, Shouta blew his way from the bedroom slamming the door behind him. The moment he was out of view of the other, the tears aggressively poured from his eyes, all the hurt, all the anger, everything he’d been feeling for a week finally coming to a boil. He knew it was ludicrous to let the other stay here, and he knew he’d come to regret that choice at a later time, but what was he suppose to do. He still loved that idiot. Traitor or not, you can’t erase sixteen years of memories, no matter how badly he wished he could. Desperate to put this day to rest, Shouta threw the emotionally drained husk that was his body aggressively to his couch. Forcing his eyes shut he tried to forget the aching pain in his chest, the feeling making his body feel anxious and heavy. He could feel the overwhelming rush of emotions as he bit his tongue fighting back more tears. He refused to cry, it was unreasonable to shed tears for someone who could care less about him. With his face buried into the back of the couch, the typically stoic and impassive man finally fell to sleep.

When morning came, the overly tired and uncharacteristically emotional hero gave a groan. Sleeping on the couch may have been the biggest mistake of his life. While it was comfortable for sitting, hed forgotten how uncomfortable it was to sleep on. Retrospectively it was hitting him that he should have kicked his former lover onto the couch instead but, he guessed that’s what happens when you let your judgements cloud with emotions. Dreading the walk towards the bedroom, his heart rate escalated as he touched his hand to the door. Some masochistically dejected part of him almost hoped the other was still behind the door despite his warnings last night. He knew it would just bring him more pain and anguish to see him, but he couldn’t help it. The pain was better then going back to the feeling if nothing. Slowly letting his hand pry the door open, his heart sank to find an empty room, the window wide open. He knew he shouldn’t feel dispondent from the sight of the empty room, but he was. Cautiously entering the area with his guard still heavily held, he made his way towards the center of the room. As he glanced around to assure the other wasn’t hidden, his eyes became distracted as they caught on a folded white piece of paper. Reaching out with unsteady hands, Shouta let his fingers trace around the edge of the paper. He could feel the way the tension churned at his stomach, pitting every emotion he never imagined he’d feel in his gut. Tired dark eyes locked on the sloppy handwriting scrawled across the page, truly hizashis hand writing was abysmal. He unraveled the folds to reveal a winded letter laying behind them.

-

Shouta,

Seeing as you wouldn’t listen last night, i wrote this all down for you. I know the chances you’ll read this are slim. I know you’re furious with me, and I can’t say that I blame you. I wouldn’t be shocked if you threw this letter out and forgot about me all together, but I can’t leave knowing things are the way they are. You deserve to know as much of the truth as I can tell you, which isn’t really much. Just know, i promise this was all to protect you. I know you’re probably rolling your eyes at that, but it’s the truth. I wouldn’t have given up being able to see you every single day if I didn’t have a cause. I’d rather live my life miserable and distanced from you knowing you’re alive than have to live with the fact you’re dead because i tried to fight these guys. Just know, that even if you stop loving me it’s okay, I’ll never hold it against you. Even if it’s not with me I want to know you’re happy and safe. You asked me last night how long I’ve been lying for. It’s only been for the last year that I’ve been keeping secrets, but never once did i pretend to be you’re friend or your lover. Every moment of our love was genuine, a hundred percent baby. Every smile I gave you was palpable, every laugh was legitimate, and every kiss authentic. If you believe me about nothing else, I’m begging, please believe that every time I said I loved you I meant it. Every single last time. I still love you, and I won’t ever stop. I miss you, seeing you last night made me realize a lot of things. One of the most important ones being that i should have came to you and let you know what was happening, but I thought i was doing the right thing trying to protect you. I’m sorry that I was a giant idiot babe and screwed things up for the both of us. Please take care of yourself. Since I’m not there to nag you anymore babe, shower daily. Don’t forget to feed yourself, and sauce packets aren’t a meal! I love you three thousand baby, and I promise you that’s the god honest truth. Catch you on the flip side Eraser.

Hizashi

-

Tears ran down Aizawas face as his fingers dug into the corners of the paper, his body shaking with sobs. Stood with the note in his hands, salt water blinding his vision, the erasure champion couldn’t help but kick himself. He wished he could have heard these words for himself last night, but he was to stubbornly idiotic for his own good sometimes. Pressing the ball of his palm to his right eye, the other continued on to read the small blurb at the bottom of the note. That idiot would leave a post scriptum after writing such a heartfelt note. It was probably something ridiculous and childish.

-

P.S

I left something in the closet for you. Hold onto it for me. Im gonna need it back one day, and I know it’ll be safe with you.

-

Shoutas heart stopped, his body hardly even hesitating to fly to his closet. Yanking the door open, he froze to see the other mans hero costume, complete with directional speaker set up in the safety of his closet. He didn’t know what intentions the other planned to act on, but he knew three things. One, this was not going to be the last time he ever saw Hizashi. Two, that man intended to clear his name. Three, Shouta wasn’t sure how, but he was going to make sure he was there to help. As much as it pained him, he believed Hizashi. Uncaring of the consequences the underground hero set off in search for his friend. If he knew his lover, which he did, the man had a half baked idea that would probably get him killed....and there was no way Shouta would let him do it alone. Gathering both his and Hizashi’s equipment, the man headed out leaving everything he knew behind. Love was irrational and for once, Shouta was fine knowing that. He’d rather be seen as a traitor, aiding and abetting the other, then live in a world without him. Even after the monumental betrayal of the other, he still trusted him.

[screechingtrashcalzonewombat]

"Apopalictic Astral Asending" Reavaluate disassociate my self worth...

The galaxies have birthed an uncontrollable being ....

I've feel as tho Ive seen myself split in two ..

Witch side do u wanna see if ur lucky I'll let you choose .

Cause in the end I loose..

One of hate one of love could both be from up above..

Or down below ...

I've began to show signs of delusions as half my mind goes an tells me it's only mild confusion. As my body fights my brain an heart to escape theys terrible illusions.

Yet the other half tries to start a fusion of body an mind an all the suddently my thoughts are no longer mine..

But a evil so Divine that its wound it's way threw time itself I've fealt the damage the energy dealt. I've yelped in anquish an pain been stuck for 7 long years in the rain with nothing to gain .. I can barely fathom to explain im not fully on earth I'm on another astral plane but i fear i flew out of my lane I've gone insane never wanted fame Ever fealt like bat man I mean oops Bruce Wayne. Nah fuck hes spoiled a wet rat infact I'm more like hulk duck when I'm near i wearly see I'm drowning inside my mind but no one can hear my dear I fear I've lost control again but cant compute I've been booted out of the system I've clawed hit an kicked to try to get to the top but i outta of known I've been ripped an thrown from my throne ive been shown what this beast can do but who woulda thought a demon bought my soul ..a jackal a goul.....you'll see me shift into numbness I suposse it was my own dumbness for being to open now cause of me my body an mind are broken an stole. as I weep an shutter an i try to speak but only stutter I found myself weak in defeat ....as ik this demon reaching its peak will plunder an pillage the town I've found I'm bound to this beast nowhere to run not north south or east I can run it will feast on my soul until the end of time ..

For diamonds cannot compare to the rarity of a soul nor a bowl of Ruby's an jems rolled in gold .....

A bold statement you say........

.. theres no ray of light here they stole it away buried it in your mind but how can u define being locked trapped in yourself ...

You've dealt your own fate ...

Wanting ansers u dint deserve ..

Did you like your just dessert's...no?

Dose it hurt ..... After you itll kill children's childhood freinds like bernie & eart ....whent bizzirk an bashed there brains makeing bloody rains

curking on everyone with cutlery forks an knifes* slice *cook big bird with chives after I've shanked him 900 times... 100 more woulda been devine serve him drink to dry alone cooked an ripped him to the bone but not quite alone u may not be home inside but u can still watch...I thought I taught u better than to close ur eyes dont beg or look surprised look away an I'll adopt another stray to do the same a slow sweet death cure's my hunger anyway

.the wines innocents blood bitter sweet to the taste of the tounge

no one thought it capable I seemed...looked ...so young..

They dint know it had just begun it wasn't me but the evil half committing crime with glee an fleeing repetavidly revealingly images to my mind of times & crimes so sickening I thought I'd die forever scetched seered into my mind .binded with no power as one towers over you using your power you cowar for how dose one define the disasbalment of there an every defined mind while ur inner demon dines on flesh making a mess of your vessel you cant even wrestle your way to the light to stay only break down in defeat that your so far away you've became an internal mess cant even stand on ur feet the beast has u chained in defeat u cry an apologize looking for answers as of how to stop.....an then...you hear a voice .." you outta stayed silent instead of talk back. U shouldn't of complained do u still think ur life used to be pain...... . Ur a sack of shit ur wit is less than that of an ant not to rant but I'm not done yet I have ur soul now I'm never letting go no no no I have plenty more so much to show many souls to reap an emotions to subdue after all u said yes.....

...did you forget ur the one who started this.

mess ......you dressed your mind with fantasy an fiction word to the wise never mess with other worldly friction an your itching for a way out but I doubt ull get there before the end of time .after all you had a devil an an angel on ur shoulder an you chose wrong this time. Only took 666 times but I'm patient an always waiting for 6 years hating an burning flesh waiting for a prayer a call after all Lucifer was once an angel an the most beautiful you just dint get to see from what angle he had beauty wrath an determination but u humans resulted in his isolation incarsorason. So now we will end up being humanity's enialation when were done there entire selves with evaporate for the demons have released self hate to pro create creatures in confidence we annihilate the fate of the human race at least the trace slight like us able to bust threw dementions so weve mentioned a start to find the inordinary soul an heart ......humanity was doomed from the start.. you stole our purpose our reason to be......humans sit in sin an glee.

Your humanitys Pride is overbearing never genuinely caring ..

Greed is sweeping the nation its reached ever state an it's got a hot heaping plate of corruption for mankind's consumption greed is grotesque in its steps of the darkest quest to corupt ur mind an want. .want..want until that's all you are is wanting more

Lusting over losely draped garments you've tarnished ur soul .

Envy of what you do not posses but for all you know that information an life would make you a mess but ud still test ur envious tendencies.....

Glutton glutton what have you gained it's not knowledge no for it's to plain rather glutton uve found a urge that wont go away....

Wrath an vengeance blood draw too no one stops till some dies him or you....

Sloth last but not least cant forget you cause uuuh wait what that fuck do u do....you sleep an sulk sit slither out of simple tasks an that's why ur not 1st no ur last like humanity just ask ....

So soon the day will draw near the the number 4 is what you should fear our dear old freinds were sending up for a visit so they can reddit ur fate for each a horse an a trait the first out the door with bow in hand riding a white horse with bow in hand

..

Conquest the start of the final test leading the restthere dark version of light on a white stallion he leads the way an soon will follow hades anyway.

War was next on a red steed he rode prepared to purge an quench new blood for the wars an battels would just begin brother against brother an close of kin witch to win?

Famine foe of all on a black horse with the courses hair so fair merely bone but dont let his appearance fool you hes for he is full devouring your greed taking away everything you want or need an now ur rationed to nearly starvation stretching farther than destination world wide sensation...

Pleage reaper of souls slowly apears steadly trotting riding a very sickly steed looking pale an almost gruesome green with sores an sickness best keep a distance. For he shall be the bringer of death an reap you all one by one to the four you shall fall...

Will you be spared are you true....

Are you happy with your life what did you do...?

Rapture no you still must die.....

Say good by to this earthy chapter theres so much more that manifest after.

But only your earthly husk must rust an fall your all energy of grate mass....

It's time to take the task of self evolvment an enjoy an enlightened installment

this world was just step wrench ur third eye wide open an accept the token of eternal life.

Grinded it to atoms a flash of dust all together ur a self fulfilling must memory pass u in a rush.....

. sudently ur bodysuit is gone ....

But it dint felt like it quite belonged.

You were 7 grams of light matter to be exact an sudently you've cracked the atmosphere ..steering energetic waves my metal psyche caves to the new information flying threw stars consolations.

Suddently speeding at the sound of light the stratosphere seems to disapear ..

My fear is gonewithout a trace an freedom transferred in its place

but am waved in infatuation to find out about out true destination...

Restoration of the soul the goal of a higher self being achieved as I crash into the sun 1500°

I feel a warmth like no other each being hues of light I might of missed earth if not I heard a voice but a mental push no need for speech just thinking it shall be done said by the the brightest in the sun.

Rejoice at last but ur journeys yet to pass ..

This is merely were you start ....

Our flames grew high with frantic waves not wanting to give up the new life we were just gave

Suddenly our flames grew dim as we felt a swirling deep from withn sudently the surface of the sun turned to tin an bent in a cracked an caved with itself our time an space sending us ascending in alignment the same assignment.

Because the sun has begun to change ina twisted way a black hole some could say.

As all of our astral beings were ripped an tore apart at the seams we all merged an formed one all knowing creative being an sudently everything I've know has little matter I'm past a point of human chatter i understand infinity the holy trinity I down in the milky way an experienced every life I've relived it twice I've spliced my genetics into over 2000 million beings I've seen good an bad in between experienced every tragedy to build my strength an studyd every thesis an theory thread an chain nearly drove my vessel insane even took knifes threw my veins in anger yet it failed I was just a trailer.ive seen love hate an anger

Comprehension compasing many others I have love an understanding past many beings there anger seems to brush by me cause I'm with 2000 souls an minds that have formed one to reach a state I can medidate in the milky way an force your negative away .

Our astral self has accumulated complete power an understanding by costuming to our full potential our old body's merely a rental.

Gentle at first then bursted into power showered in knowledge I know now much that I wondered before but now I want more an I've thought till I an 2000 shared beings head hurt cause my girth of knowledge will now never be enough it's tough cause now I must find .... how to ascend again but for now i must defend my vast mind defind crime ...?

Keeping 2000 vast voices locked away so I can focus an try to learn anyway leaning in to vast places is I the 1st 2nd or 3rd or other many plains I cant quiet place I'm traveling threw them all searching for everything I couldn't before .

This life isent like the countless other this life I like it has interesting teathers

I've surpass Angel's an there feathers an vison of a hawk.

I've surpass demonds and there demonic temping talk ..

I've walked on water as I was ripped apart an I felt my self rebuilt every cell of my being got hit with rods of power lightning not even myself can fight me god like abilities the universe as built in me theres ben a spiritual shift a tilt in me somthing generations of DNA sprawled out in a numerical display my old life experiences is the price I pay so that I can be god even if only for a day

I think I'll sit an think somewere in the outter spink of the universe I've cursed myself with knowledge an now I'm aware step into my astral space....

If you dare...

[dont-rainonme]

role model

[bucky barnes x reader]

[warnings] - mostly wholesome, with a pinch of angst and very brief mentionings of car crashes and injections but nothing graphic

[summary] - you, bucky and the avengers visit hospitals to surprise the children there for a charitable cause. bucky hesitates to go, because of his metal arm and the past, until he realises how much he means to the children there.

[A/N] - ive never written a bucky fanfic in my life, so please be gentle lol im trying. uhhh I google translated the tiniest bit of russian so if it’s wrong, please correct me. but i had this idea and thought that maybe it would be a good story. as always, italics mean it’s a flashback or a past memory. :))

seeing the avengers, a group consisting of heavily skilled assassins, enhanced individuals and super soldiers, interacting so softly and gently around the children made your heart practically melt with joy. there was peter, who was technically a child and obviously bonded with the children with ease.

and to think these people could snap your neck if they wanted to.

today was the day that tony‘s charity programme was finally coming together, with the team visiting the first hospital in the many to come. in the past few years, the avengers have been gaining coverage over magazines, newspapers and even the news, which, naturally, made them very popular, especially amongst children.

you remember that time as clearly as the sky was that day, when you surprised bucky with a funko pop figure of him. you remember the silence that fell over the two of you, as you stared at him anxiously awaiting his reaction. you remember how his head lifted slowly, his long, brown locks brushed out of his face to reveal the face you loved smothering with kisses. you remember the look he gave you, almost silently asking, this is for me? before giving an encouraging nod. for a minute, you thought you’d upset him, because of how unresponsive he was, until he suddenly stood up and engulfed you in a crushing hug.

to be fair, it was a very comfortable hug.

moving on, you were the only person, apart from steve and sam, that bucky would ever open up to, and you were proud to say that you were the one who could reduce him into a love-struck, flustered mess; a feat that not even steve nor sam could accomplish. although, you did appreciate their attempts, specifically sam’s.

you grin to yourself, your mind wandering to the time you walked into your room in the compound, only to find sam laying on your bed with möljnir on his chest and bucky casually sharpening his knives.

“how you doin’?” you heard sam say nonchalantly, as if he didn’t have an ancient hammer on his chest, hindering his every move.

“what the hell happened?” you yelped, dropping your bag down, “all i did was go out and get some food.”

“sam tried braiding my hair like you do,” bucky said, a flicker of a smirk playing on his lips, “but i only let you touch my hair and he kept annoying me, so i got thor to put his hammer on him.”

“why can’t i give you pet names?” sam chided in.

“because you’re not (y/n).”

“so what? ive been here for an hour and a half,” sam groaned under the weight of the hammer.

“it’s been six minutes,” bucky said blankly.

“shut up.”

you couldn’t wait to see him with the children.

you felt like you could smile forever, watching nat pretend to fall over when a little girl, with tubes and drips inside her, pretended to punch her, or when steve and sam cheered with pride when the boy, who was recovering from his many surgeries, slid cap’s shield onto his arm. and you knew that whilst it made the children’s day, it made the team’s day as well.

and then you spotted him.

your boyfriend.

bucky.

he was in the corridor outside of the room, away from everyone else, with a hat tilted so that it covered his face. you had managed to pursuade him to wear a sleeveless jacket, with the intention to help him grow more confident with his metal arm in public, but he had his left arm stuffed inside the pocket of the jacket, the other hand flicking at his nails. you sighed, smile faltering only a little, as you apologised to the girl you were talking to, and made your way towards him.

“what are you doing? why aren’t you with the others?” you asked softly, gently lifting his head and tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear. almost immediately after, he shook his head, and the piece of hair went back to its original spot, in front of his face. you shot him a stern look.

“bucky.”

no response. you closed your eyes and exhaled out quietly. you learnt a long time ago that you had to be patient with him.

“bucky, please, talk to me.”

you stood in silence, both of your heads down, and after a long pause, he spoke.

“i don’t deserve to be here.”

“bucky-“

“i don’t deserve to be treated as a hero.”

your head shot up immediately, lips parted to speak, but he dismissed you, his hand held up to silence you.

“don’t start with how i’ve changed,” bucky said dully. he paused before he buried his face in his hands, “Блядь-“

“language. there are children here.”

“…i can’t even get a control over my own mind yet. anytime i hear something that barely even resembles the trigger words, i suddenly feel an urge to do something… evil. its like a part of myself is disappearing bit by bit. and i’m scared that if i don’t learn how to control myself, then one day, ill lose every piece of me and ill end up hurting all of you.”

his voice cracks near the end of his sentence, eyes widening at the sound. the two of you are completely still, with you frozen in complete shock. he had never been this vulnerable and open even with you, often keeping his feelings to himself, but today must’ve been his breaking point. he hastily wiped his eyes, swallowing harshly and turning his head away from you.

that still didn’t hide the tears.

“why do you love me?”

“bucky, I swear to god, listen to me right now,” you gently, but firmly push his arms down so you could finally see his face, damp from the fresh tears, “i know this is difficult, but i know that you can do it. what you did wasn’t you. you were controlled. that isn’t the bucky i know. the bucky I know is smart, he’s strong and protective and caring and he’s occasionally an idiot-“ you both smile a little at that, “-but he’s my idiot and he’s also a hero, which is how the children here see you as. what you did in the past does not define who you truly are. you’re not going to lose yourself, because me and the others are here for you, and i want you to know that you’re safe. that you’re not with HYDRA anymore, that you’re with us, you’re part of the avengers, so you have every single fucking right to go into that room and make those children happy. because they see you as one of us, a cool-ass avenger, and they see you as a hero. okay?”

you were being honest when you surprised even yourself with that little rant, but it was worth it to see the smallest hint of a smile form on your boyfriends lips. you had to tip-toe to kiss him lightly on the lips (an attribute that bucky had brought up before and ended with him being tackled to the ground by you), as you both laugh a little, and bucky cups your face with his metal hand, murmuring quietly to you.

“what was that about our language?” he asked, looking down at you smugly.

“…shut up.”

his tough demeanour breaks instantly. he sighs contently.

“what did i do to deserve you?”

“everything,” you reply in a heartbeat, “you deserve every part of me.”

with his hand still on your chin, you both lean forward to kiss, eyes fluttering shut as you do so. your lips brush softly against each other, when you both feel a tug on bucky’s jacket.

stunned, you both look down to see a little boy, fiddling timidly with his fingers. you and bucky’s eyes graze lower down to his height to see that he has a prosthetic arm.

“go on,” the nurse says reassuringly, “ask him.”

bucky immediately looks to you, panic flaring in his eyes, but you give him a look that quickly calms him down. although your intimate moment was ruined, it opened up an opportunity for him. he hesitated a little before squatting down so he was the same height as the boy, who looked behind him to the nurse; she eagerly nodded her head.

“c-can I touch your arm?” he asks shyly, pointing to bucky’s left, “it’s really cool and my friend said it’s not real, so i wanted to prove her wrong!”

you and bucky laugh, and he gives you a look that silently thanks you.

“go ahead, it’s real,” he says smiling, extending the arm out to the little boy, who’s giddy with excitement. his little fingers brush over the vibranium, eyes lighting up and face splitting into a wide grin.

“c-can you move it?” he asks in a hushed whisper, and bucky complies, flexing his fingers, as the boy watches the metal plates running up his arm move corresponding his actions.

“hannah!” the boy yells into the room, “i told you it’s real! look! i touched it! it moves and everything!”

he turns to bucky.

“can my friend touch it too?”

“sure thing.”

and before you both know it, he’s being dragged into the room by the boy, and you follow them, with the nurse by your side. by the time you arrive by the boy’s bedside, a small crowd of children, all with some sort of prosthetic limbs, surround bucky fascinated.

“this is my friend, bucky,” the boy says proudly, “and his arm is real and i know that because i touched it! we’re practically twins now.”

an excited gasp ripples through the small crowd and suddenly the children send him streams of questions.

“is that your girlfriend?” a boy asks, pointing suddenly to you. bucky grins.

“yep. she’s pretty great.”

“that’s all i get?” you teased, raising an eyebrow, “pretty great?”

“yes.”

“do you love her?”

“of course.”

“have you kissed?”

bucky pauses, but before he could say anything, the boy from earlier answers for him.

“yes they have! i caught them almost kissing when i went to ask if i could touch his arm!”

an echo of “ew!”s reverberate around the room, accompanied by the children laughing. you bury your face in your hands in amusement and embarssment, and you feel bucky rub your back sympathetically.

“does that mean you have cooties?”

“…yes?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

the two of you spend the next hour with the children, answering their questions and giving them small gifts like little action figures of yourselves. you melt at the sight of bucky - his face was the youngest and happiest you’ve ever seen him. there was no line of stress on his face, but instead a smile, and a glimmer of hope in his eyes. it’s obvious he likes the children. around them, he was as carefree as he could be, even going as far as letting them draw on his arm and putting magnets on it. your boyfriend is an actual child at heart. and you love him for that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“how did you lose your arm?” the boy from earlier, who you later learned was called freddie, asked bucky. the two of them were happily colouring away, as you watched in the background smiling. bucky paused, choosing his words carefully.

“i fell off a really tall bridge from a train…”

freddie gasped dramatically.

“and… i used my left arm to break my fall. it broke, but the doctors gave me a new metal arm. cool right?”

“yeah! that happened to me too,” freddie explained, using elaborate hand gestures as he told the story, “except i didn’t fall. i was in the car with my mum when some lorry crashed into us and suddenly there was fire everywhere! i woke up in a hospital and the doctor said that they had to get rid of my old arm because of some infection or something. i don’t know what it is, but i know it’s some complicated stuff.”

“so then what happened?” bucky asked, a flicker of sadness in his eyes, sighing as he went back to his colouring.

“the doctor was like don’t worry we have a cool new arm for you! just like yours!” he pointed to bucky’s arm and grinned, “but he said I had to have surgery so they could attach it to me. it was scary, but i promise i cried only a little bit, even when they gave me an injection! i promise! you believe me right?”

“of course. you’re one of the bravest people I know.”

the little boy beamed brightly up at him.

“and then when I woke up, i had the cool new arm! the doctor said i can go home soon!”

“really?” bucky said, genuine joy on his face, “that’s great!”

“i know right? i wanna be like you when im older and beat up bad guys with my cool new arm.”

“you do?”

“yeah. you’re my favourite out of alllll the avengers. but don’t tell the falcon that, okay? because i told him the same thing so i didn’t hurt his feelings.”

“i won’t,” bucky laughed, as the two continued colouring. he grinned to himself.

he was going to give sam so much shit for that later.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

when you and him met up with the other avengers in the lobby when your time there was done, they all turned to look at the pair of you.

“what are those on your arm?” natasha asked, amused as he pointed to bucky.

“magnets.”

“oh my god,” sam said, “this should be good.”

he held bucky’s arm, twisting it to get a good look around it, admiring all the drawings of the avengers the children had done.

he paused.

“where am i?!” he whined, the team erupting into laughter, as he did a circled around the arm to fo a double take.

“don’t worry sam,” tony chuckled, as the doors of the hospital opened and they all exited, “we love you really.”

“yeah, yeah, you all totally show it,” he grumbled, his face cracking into a smile when tony shook his shoulder playfully.

you walked alongside bucky silently, your arm hooked around his, though it wasn’t uncomfortable. you were proud of him for today. you had never seen him smile so much before.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

that was a lie.

a week later, you found bucky in your room, smiling as he stared at something in his hand. when you asked him to show you, you felt your heart leap.

it was a picture of freddie, at home from the hospital, posing next to his little bucky action figure. and on the back was a little note from the boy.

“i‘m gonna be just like you!”

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[intergalacthicc]

10/06/18

i havent talked about my new interest of affection. i am writing this now because even if things are way waaaay far from being normal, i just wanted to reminisce the good old days while im still not feeling bitter about it. i am not into mushy stuff and sappy things but here goes. he probably would never even get to read this so lol. 

i was totally fine with being alone. i had a bad case of a heartbreak earlier this year and i was confident with being alone. i’ve learned it the hard way; not seeking for others company to feel secured. but then this soul came out of the blue. it wasnt like at first sight. errrr or should i say that it wasnt like at first virtual conversation. nor the second. or the third. it started out as something purely virtual, yes. we just talked and talked and talked. gradually, though not slowly, i became comfortable with this soul. i am the type of person who feels lowkey anxious with phone calls yet this soul made it so easy for me to talk to him on the phone from 10pm til dawn. it lasted for a few days. then for a week. then for two weeks. slowly, without realizing, it kinda grew into me. he grew into me. 

he was far from my ideal. oh god, he was barely my ideal. hes apathetic, hes not into chivalry, he has a lot of pet peeves, hes detached, he keeps on maintaining this cool headed doesn’t give a damn type of facade, hes too honest, and hes annoying. he had these ear piercings, one he pierced on his own. he smokes more than five times a day. he usually isn’t sober. but then theres this side of him who’s into literature so much, who gets lost in his surroundings the moment he gets so immersed reading a book, who writes his heart out, who writes poetry, who believes in passion (he wouldnt agree on this but i can see it), who loves films and music as much as i do, who loves memes ranging from dank to dark. he was a mix of both good and bad. he was the perfect balance of good and bad. 

this soul made me become more in sync with myself. he taught me the art of saying no. he taught me to say whats on my mind despite the fact that i may hurt other peoples feelings. he taught me not to be too much of a pushover. i guess i may be romanticizing it too much. but thats how i felt. he made me happy. i felt like i was a teenager in her coming of age years all set up for a free fall. i felt butterflies on my stomach. and he said he did too. its crazy. its overwhelming how you can give and receive the same amount of affection from a person. i wasnt asking for him but the universe let us cross paths even for a little while. it mustve meant something. sometimes i wonder why we had to click and vibe easily only for the connection to be taken away from us on such a short notice. if he was given to me only to be a lesson then alright. i guess i have to swallow the fucking pill. i just done get it sometimes. i havent felt this connection throughout my experience. im not even exaggerating it. i havent found someone i can truly be comfortable with. why did it have to end so soon. whyyyy

people say that ill find someone new. that hes not the last person ill feel this connection with. im forced to end it because my parents told me so. it sucks. both of us are so happy yet we had to let go because of all these external forces coming right at us. honestly, im a coward. i cant go through the process of letting go and moving on yet again. i dont know how ill be able to cope this time knowing that this soul grew into me unlike nobody else before. so if the heartbreaks ive went through already hurt so bad, i dont know how this one would. im also scared when the time comes, if the time comes, that ill find a new love, i may end up comparing the rush to this one. no one will make me feel the way he did. 

its crazy. my parents said they will never accept this guy. how could so much love for me hinder me from being genuinely happy? i know this is me being selfish. ive tried the best i can to be the ideal daughter for my parents. i mess up one time and now im not allowed to do anything except to drop the guy. im starting to lose hope that there will ever be any slightest bit of chance for compromise. harsh words have been said already. heavy heavy words have cause hurt and pain. everythings fucked up. it sucks that i cant do anything to fix it. but okay, ill try to get my shit together. ill try.

[byeoujison]

october 2020

i tend to not like to reflect on things until they’re over because i feel like im jinxing myself, but i want to do this now. i need to get over my superstition.

ive been working my current job since mid-july, which sounds fake. i feel like i just started this job but i pretty much have my duties down. at the beginning i was determined that i would be staying with this company for a long time. It pays very well, and it’s not horrible so i figured i could learn to live with working 8 hours days for the foreseeable future. the problem is, i don’t do well with foreseeable futures, i perform best under time constraint, so working somewhere that i have no idea how long i’ll be isn’t good for my work ethic.

October was when my mind was really changed regarding my work here. The first week was normal. We decorated for halloween while watching over the garden wall. Me, GF, our roommate R, and J all played poker with chocolate candy and i lost big time.

then the week of the 7th happened. my coworkers aren’t bad people, but they’re very different people from me. I don’t feel like i fit in with them particularly well, especially my only male coworker, we’ll call him Nothing. the previous week, Nothing and I had a very long very exhausting conversation about politics where i basically realized i can’t talk to people about politics unless they’re somewhat versed in sociological rhetoric. i have a degree in sociology, and it’s important to my understanding of the social world. having a conversation with someone who doesn’t know the importance of social forces and social stratification is like talking to a toddler. I also suffer social anxieties that are not diagnosed or treated, so i have difficultly in some circumstances knowing when to take my feelings seriously, it makes me get into social situations that i am uncomfortable with because i initially ignore the anxiety associated with talking to people. I would love to be one of those people that can talk to anyone confidently, but i am not nor have i ever been that person.

the week of the 7th, Nothing asked me very suddenly if he has a bad attitude. i said yes. i was being honest, something he told me to do. he was upset and walked away. i was anxious but tried to ignore it. he did not let me. we had another conversation later and i realized as i was talking to him that i was explaining very personal things about my social anxiety to him to try to get him to stop talking politics with me. he is a very difficult person to get to agree with you. i was shaken, because i knew that he would never seen from my perspective and i would never see his. later that day my boss asked me if i wanted a calzone. i said yes. i was grateful, because she let me drive to pick them up, so i wouldn’t have to be in the building. i spilled sauce on my jeans and had to wear my flannel (thankfully i brought it) to cover it. the calzone was delicious, i was tired and nervous and wanted to go home. that was when the illusion of me working here began to fall apart.

it makes me angry, because a lot of people hold fast and true the notion that you shouldn’t let anyone’s behavior affect you. I agree that we shouldnt but i still do. thats what a lot of people dont understand. i don’t want to be afraid to talk to Nothing, but i still am. I dont want to care about what he thinks of me but i do. it’s not a decision i’m making, it is my gut reaction. the anxiety is not conscious, it is physical, it’s a pain in my stomach that tells me my coworker is something i should avoid. I have not talked with him at length since, and im happy about it. 

that weekend, i decided to go retrieve my snow tires from bellingham, as i had been storing them in J’s dad’s shop. i was going to drive up to my dad’s house on saturday (my friday) for the night, drive up and back from bellingham on sunday with the tires, and then drive from my dad’s back down to portland on monday. My GF came with me and R stayed home. my dad’s house feel golden, like candles. it’s the feeling of being somewhere homey having never lived there. he has a very nice house with his new wife and one of her daughters.

we went to a pumpkin patch on sunday and did a cornmaze, i like doing cornmazes because im good at reading maps, they make me feel smart. there, we decided not to go to bellingham that day, as it was much more appealing to stay at my dad’s house. the weather was pretty bad and getting worse. me and GF took a bath in my dad’s fancy bathub and we watched Insidious, a really bad horror movie that i loved. i love cheesy horror movies.

we went to bellingham the next morning. the drive was normal, and we got my tires with no issue, but i decided i wanted to drive by our old apartment, the one we moved in to in sept 2018. as we got closer it became harder to hold back my tears. GF noticed i was crying and i broke down - i finally realized after driving past the place i’d called home as my memory slowly warped and my brain melted, that the life im currently living is not the one i want to live forever.

we went to boulevard park. there was tension between us. we never fight, we just put each other in bad moods. we got woods coffee and looked out at the water. we got to a place where we both could communicate well, and I finally said out loud that i don’t want my job forever, that i felt as if it was sucking my soul dry.

we left bellingham as we talked about my future. By the time we got to federal way and pulled over in the marlene’s to go to the bathroom i had decided that i want to go back to school. I want to get my masters, maybe even a phd, i just want to go back to college.

i listened to avenue q when i was in middle school, and the song ‘I Wish I Could Go Back To College’ always haunted me. all throughout middle and high school and into college i was afraid of becoming that person - stuck in a time that i couldn’t return to. but on that drive i realized - i dont have to leave college. there are still things these fingers itch to write, but the smog of lonely adulthood ive been forced to inhale his choked me of my skills - im a once-used vessel, still reeking with the stench of all that has used me - but i am empty for another host. a bright, shining beacon of hope; academia.

i’ve felt better ever since this happened. Nothing’s wife had a baby that same weekend, and he hasn’t been at work as often. we hardly speak to eachother. it’s perfect.

GF’s brother stayed with us the next weekend, the J stayed with us the week after that and we went to another pumpkin patch while R was in california with her grandma.

today is my friday, today is halloween. tonight i am going to dress as Gerry Keay from the magnus archives, drink cider, and spend time with my friends.

-Mitchie, Oct 31, 2020, 11:40AM

[yukithesnowman314]

In celebration of the 30th anniversary of the Fire Emblem series (with the release of the first game of the series, “Fire Emblem: Dark Dragon and Sword of Light released on April 20th, 1990), I will be doing a bit of a low-brow, personal “retrospective” of the games I played from the series. Join me as I talk about my first experience with the series through my first and second favorite Fire Emblem game: “Genealogy of the Holy War”.

[Warning: Foul language, low-brow commentary, and crude remarks  on the characters of  Fire Emblem.  Go watch some boring elitist cornballs with no real talent who think talking about video games on YouTube  is a real, viable job on YouTube if you want a serious retrospective on the series]

As with many of my peers who grew up playing video games throughout the 90s, I played such classics from that era such as Super Mario World., Street Fighter II, Sonic, Gran Turismo,  Final Fantasy, and Pokemon to name a few.  It was thanks to the 1996 capsule monster catching RPG that I would find love within the RPG genre.  As my first RPG, I loved the idea of capturing and raising monsters to dominate the world of Pokemon  Blue.  Later, around the early 2000s, I was introduced to two of my top favorite RPGs of all time: Paper Mario and the original Final Fantasy 3 on the Famicom; which happened to be my first Final Fantasy game.

(For those wondering how and why Final Fantasy 3 was my first FF game: grew up in Nintendo dominate household and my Pentecostal mother thought RPGs were the devil because Christians, especially Black old-school Baby Boomer Christians,  live in fear of thinking for themselves and questing religion; so emulation was the way for me.)

I loved the idea of taking a traditional  2D-platformer Mario game and reimagine it as a turned- based RPG spanning across the Mushroom Kingdom as Mario, once again, must save Princess Peach from the clutches of Bowser. As for FF3, the 8-bit charm of four young orphaned youths being the chosen ones of legend to save the world from darkness. While both games’ story could be consider “basic” to some (which, to a degree, they’re sort of right especially on FF3’s front), I enjoyed and loved them.

I would continue my RPG journey as the early 2000s progressed with classics such as Chrono Trigger, Shin Megami Tensei II, Final Fantasy IV, V, VI, and finally VII (mostly 16-bit emulation because, again, scared Pentecostal Christian mother).  They told such amazing stories of their worlds.  Time travel.  Nuclear holocaust. Tales of hope, life, and death. Yet, despite all of that, there was something missing from those games. Something that I could say in confidence would impact me for life.

Don’t get me wrong: it was a shock to see teen pregnancy used as a narrative theme in Final Fantasy VI with realism as Katarin struggles with the fact of becoming a teen mother in an world of ruin. Katarin, along with her lover and baby’s fathers Duane, the oldest member of the destroyed village of Mobliz in the World of Ruin. Chrono Trigger made me thought about my own existence in the universe as I watched Crono and crew ponder about how the universe and its inhibitors became to be during the campfire scene.

Chrono Trigger campfire scene

  Yet – those things didn’t fulfill a certain need of true, down-to-earth realism.  I needed something more grounded. Something that would make such sense to me as a young man. Something that I could relate to with absolute:

Super Smash Bros. Melee. for the Nintendo GameCube!

2001:

Through a summer school event, I managed to get my hands on a copy of a Nintendo GameCube demo disc for the PC.  Featured on the disc were video demos of upcoming launch titles for the GameCube: including Luigi Mansion, Star Fox Adventures, NBA Courtside 2002, and of course, Super Smash Bros. Melee.  Super Smash Bros. 64, the game prior to Melee, felt dwarfed compared to the raw graphical power and scale of Melee. I was aware of and hyped for Melee being created by Nintendo through elementary schoolyard conversations and magazines.  Seeing a demo of the preceded flawless game’s action and mass scale drove my desire to get a GameCube and Super Smash Bros. Melee for the 2001 holidays season.

So, did I eventually get Super Smash Bros. Melee for the Nintendo GameCube and the GameCube for Christmas of 2001 like every other good little boy and good little girl?

Of course fucking not!  My parents went bankrupt after buying a new house, having to bury my mother’s parents who both died a month apart from each other, and finally — said new house’s kitchen catching on fire; thus, causing us to  living in a downtown hotel then a temporary luxury apartment because we all have shit lungs (asthma). I was lucky to get a DVD/VCR combo for Christmas with a few DVDs.

  2004:

For three years, I had to live the Melee (and by proxy, the early 2000s gaming) life vicariously. One day, while working on a paper on the history of video games in 8th grade (2004), I discovered  the MIDI (Musical Insturmental Digital Interface) video game vgmusic.com. Musically inclined fans could upload their recreation, remixes, and close-to-the-original MIDI files for the nerdy gaming massive to indulge in.  Being curious about how the music of Melee sounded, I led myself to the Super Smash Bros. Melee section which had an impressed library of fan made songs from the game.

Scrolling through, there was one track that caught my eye: Hyrule Temple: Fire Emblem.  “I don’t remember a Fire Emblem in Majora’s Mask, OOT, nor Zelda II. Maybe I missed something like a secret item named ‘Fire Emblem’ when I had played those games.” I ponder to myself.

Curious, I clicked the link to the song.

Four taps on the artificial hi-hats rang out followed by Latin-like horns, a heavy bassline, and drawn out bass strings and horns building up to the meat of the song.

“Okay, did Link went to Mexico and fight Zorro in a Zelda game because this song sounds super Mexican as hell.”.  Rather than do the incredibly smart and not racist thing and Google search Fire Emblem (because I was too busy googling Princess Daisy, Terra Branford , Ayeka Jurai, and Sailor Pluto hentai images and doujins) I just assumed that it was some a weird Zelda thing.

  Months later, after my parents recovered from their bankruptcy, they gifted me a Nintendo GameCube for Christmas (they couldn’t find Melee in any store sadly).  No worries.  I was given a Blockbuster gift card by a family member for Christmas, so I decided to rent Melee the day after Christmas.  Wanting to know how to unlock everything, I went online for answers when I came across two Nintendo characters whom which I’ve never heard of: Roy and Marth.

Again,  rather than doing the smart thing and Google search “Roy and Marth” (I was googling how to torrent anime illegally this time instead), I decided to play Melee for my answers. After defeating the original 13 fighters, I was alerted with the “Challenger Approach” alarm.  A shadowy figured appeared with a male wielding a sword.  We’re transported to Kirby’s stage with me wondering who I was going to face off against.

Then, that familiar Mexican sounding melody starts to play.

“Okay, this song sounds ever more Mexican than before now I’m hearing it how it meant to be heard.  Why is this white boy speaking Japanese to some  Mexican sword fighting music? Is this Zorro’s cousin? Kirby’s friend?”

After defeating Zorro’s half Japanese/Half Mexican cousin from Kirby (I assumed) I’m greeted with the following message:

“Direct from Fire Emblem, it’s Marth, the swordsman supreme!”

“Okay, what’s Fire Emblem, who’s this Marth dude, and why he’s a white boy speaking Japanese to Mexican music?”

Upon unlocking Marth, I ran him through his Classic Mode route to unlock Roy. Fought Roy.  Figured out why I thought Fire Emblem was Zelda related after a year (you fight Roy in Hyrule’s Ruins because I guess Roy was sleeping with Zelda behind Link’s back after she slept with Gannondorf). Whoop Roy’s ass and got Marth’s trophy. Wanting to learn more about Marth, I deiced to check out his trophy.

“MARTH

            The betrayed prince of the Kingdom of Altea, the blood of the hero Anri flows in Marth’s veins.  He was forced into exile when the kingdom of Dolua invaded Altea.  Then, wielding his divine Falchion, he led a revolt and defeated the dark dragon Medeus. Afterwards, Altea was annihilated by King Hardin of Akanea.

Fire Emblem JAPAN ONLY”

“Wait, he saved his kingdom only to have it annihilated by another king? So, a Nintendo hero failed at saving the day for once? That’s interesting.” Reading Marth’s bio deepened my curiosity towards Fire Emblem.  “Why was Marth forced into exile? Who betrayed him? How did he escape it?  Who’s Medeus and Hardin and how did they manage to destroy his kingdom?”

There was only one way to find out: download Fire Emblem through emulation.  But,  which one?  Visiting my preferred emulation site at the time, Emuparadise, I sought answers through the form of three Fire Emblem games: Mystery of the Crest (FE3), Genealogy of the Holy War (FE4), and Thrica 776 (FE5).

First Try: Mystery of the Emblem

The game boots up with a shield with five circular groves and a flame crested embedded in the middle while a trumpet and French horn fanfare plays for a few seconds. Next, I’m treated to a tapestry with scrambled text. However, the imagery of men burned alive by dragons, sages praying to the heavens, a god armed with a mighty sword and shield descending to earth from the heavens to slay a dragon, and humans giving praise to their savior to a medieval musical motif told the tale for me.

Following, the intro ends with three strikes of lighting; causing the screen to flash. A known fanfare plays as the words “FIRE EMBLEM: MYSTERY OF THE EMBLEM” fades into the foreground as the Falchion pieces through the text.  Finally, I’m introduced to the playable classes and their stats through the game’s attract mode.

Due to the state of the game’s translation, the pre-chapter’s screens were an unreadable mess (a most common issue of Fire Emblem early fan translations days). For all I could had known, this could had been Roy’s game, which I would had been cool with, but I wanted to know Marth’s story.

Skipping past the mess of the “translation”, the game starts.

Axe-men swarming a lone island: pilaving and killing.  A young woman on a Pegasus flies away from the carnage to a castle.  It is here I’m introduced to Fire Emblem’s first ever characters: Jeigan/Jagan, Ceada/Shiida, and the poster boy of the series: The legendary Prince Mars!

“Yo, who the FUCK is Mars? Where’s Marth?” I asked myself in confusion.  I mean, he had blue hair like Marth. Wears a tiara like Marth.  Look like a chick like Marth. But, he was clearly Mars. Not Marth.  Disappointed (and utterly unaware that Mars is Marth and the translator took the Marusu name too literal), I stopped playing I FE3 and booted up FE4.

But MAAAAAAARRRRRRSSSSS!

Second Try: FE4 (or, my true first Fire Emblem experience)

  Immediately, I’m blown away by audio/visual presentation. While the opening text aren’t a jumbled mess unlike the “translation patch” of Mystery of the Emblem, they were in Japanese; a language which (at the time), I lacked understanding of. Regardless, I could understand the story though the art and sound.

Dreadful music plays as the red and black hellfire serves as the background while mighty warriors and fearsome dragons engage each other in brutal combat.  Twelve flames, representing the twelve  holy gods of Jugdral surrounding a lone tower. As the music reaches a peak and fades out,  A dragon of darkness and a dragon of light entangled in a fierce battle  and the screen goes black. Silence. Then, a golden wheel fades in with slow strings building up. The wheel is surrounded by glistering weapons in a celestial blue shade before flying off.

Finally, this specular ends with the Japanese Fire Emblem logo proudly appearing as the theme of the series plays in vigorous pride: as if it was an anthem for a militaristic nation.

Even if this wasn’t Marth’s game and even if I lacked the knowledge to understand the Japanese language, the ominous scene displayed for me alongside with the introduction of the actors and players of the world of FE4, I wanted to dive deep into the blood soaked tale of Jugdral.

After the marvelous introduction, I created a new file, got hip to the story of Jugdral thus far, and proceeded to play.

“Finally! That’s Mart- no, who’s the hell is Sigurd and why does he looks like he could be Marth’s older cousin? If that’s Marth’s cousin maybe Marth will show up in this game.” I proceed to play FE4; impressed by the scale of the map compared to FE3’s Book 1 first’s map.  FE4’s first map felt like a long-standing war was about to take place while FE3’s first book seemed like a meek, short skirmish.  In a way, this set the tone of the overarching theme of FE4’s maps: large armies clashing with one another non-stop.

Needless to say, this was going to be a long, uphill battle –and I was going to love it.  By that detail alone at was then that I knew that not only Genealogy of the Holy War was going to be something special for me, but the Fire Emblem series in general.

*****

Three turns passed.  The blue hair axe dude, Lex, wasn’t Marth.  The other blue hair guy, Finn, wasn’t Marth neither. At this point, I realized two things:

1. I’m racist against blue hair mid-90s anime-inspired  fantasy characters. 2. This wasn’t Marth’s game.

In any case, the first few minutes of gameplay impressed me. How should I  move my units?  Which weapon is best against the enemy’s?  Should I keep Arden guarding the castle or should I be bold and reckless by leaving the castle defenseless?  Midir wasn’t a girl? Azel have a thing for cute young nuns and so do I.

Hooked, I spent an entire weekend getting through the first three chapters of the game (Birth of the Holy Knight, Maiden of the Spirit Forest¸ and Disturbance in Augstira). By the time I reached Chapter 2, I realized something: I suck.   Ethlyn (Sigurd’s sister) got wounded, so these left the game alongside her husband, Quan: causing me to lose two units at once.

I accidently killed Ayra with Alec and my dumbass saved my game after the fact.  I also got Jamke killed because Adean, the priestess whom was supposed to talk to him so he could join your cause, was at the other side of the map. I made Azel kill him.  But, it didn’t matter.  All it matter was that I was having fun with the game and I kept at it.

Why?

Well first, I simply fell in love with the game’s story.  Who would had known that Sigurd  recusing his friend Aidean from the savages of Verdane was actually a part of a much more diabolical plot orchestrated by the underground cult, The Loptr Church and their leader, Manfory to control the world.

Manfory was the man running the show behind the scenes in an attempt to find the last two surviving decedents of a twisted, dark, demonic dragon god (Lopotsu) in order to revive said dark dragon to plunge the world into disarray, death, destruction, and darkness.  Using his pull and promise of power to politicians throughout the land, Manfory was able to install his plan of bringing the world into darkness.

Second, as a teenager, I wasn’t one for politics. It was a topic that bored me to no end. Yet, Genealogy of the Holy War opened my eyes to how brutal and ruthless politics can be. No. Inferior words such as brutal and ruthless are understatements.  Cutthroat fits better.   I was filled with disgust with Chagall killing his own father, King Imuka, to gain power in Agustria.  I took note at how one set of dukes and lords of  Agustira  bid their time as Sigurd cross blade against the other dukes and lords of their land.  Levin’s uncle was willing to kill him and his mother if it meant controlling their nation.

(As Leptor told Sigurd: “Politics is all about power!)

Now, let it be known that politics alone wasn’t the sole reason why I fell in love with Genealogy of the Holy War despite it being the driving force behind why I loved the game.  The countless tragedies after tragedies that transpired throughout Sigurd’s tale got me as well.  To understand where I’m coming from, let’s go deeper into what I mean by this.

Towards the end of Chapter 1 (Maiden of the Spirit Forest) we’re treated with a touch of “love at first sight” story narrative.  Upon conquering Marpha Castle, Sigurd encounters the beautiful and alluring maiden, Deidre, being harassed by a brigand.  After running the thug off, Sigurd and Deidre exchange a few words; with Sigurd being shocked that Deidre knows his name (through Aiden) and admitting that he’s everything  she imagine him to be. Sigurd ask for her name, which Deidre asks for his pardon for not revealing it before running off loves struck.

Curious about her (and not being able to shake off the feelings of love) , Sigurd asks a local elder about her.   The elder informs Sigurd of Deidre’s name, background, and warns Sigurd not to engage in any sort of relationship with Deidre; least disaster shall befall upon the world if she left the forest and found love. Not wanting to believe in such superstitions, Sigurd sets out to find Deidre. They encounter one another and admit that they had fallen for each other…

…And like any good woman and man who fall for each other upon a chance, first meeting, they both fucked later that night. This isn’t me being lowbrow (for once): that scene is in the official Fire Emblem 4 manga written and drawn by Mitsuki Oosawa.  Deidre totally fucks on the first date  (must be due to of all those years of living a sheltered life).

Without context, this scene can be taken completely wrong…

  Anyway, after conquering the Kingdom and Verdane, Sigurd and Deidre got married.  From their marriage, Sigurd started to change.  His sister, Ethlyn, notes how much Sigurd changed thanks to Deidre.  He’s no longer a slob.  His hot-headed attitude has all but disappeared.  He became more upbeat. From their love and marriage came their first and only son, Celice, whom they both loved dearly.

Sigurd was happy. Deirdre was happy.

And then, Chapter 3 hits – hard.

After receiving news of Sigurd subduing Madino Castle, Deidre decides to leave their army’s home castle to check on her husband.  Despite pleas from Shanan (Prince of Issac, his backstory on why he’s in Sigurd’s army  is a tad long for this post for me to explain) to ensure that Deidre do not leave the castle as per Sigurd’s request, Deidre leaves; assuring Shanan that she’ll only be but just a second. As Deidre walks outside, she is attacked by Manfory, brainwashed, and taken away by the dastardly villain.

(Keep in mind: Sigurd is prepping to engage in combat against his own best friend, Eldigan)

After subduing Evans Castle, Sigurd is alerted by Shanan that Deidre went missing (in the manga version, Shanan engage in combat against Manfory and fails to rescue Deidre). Sigurd, still stressed out due to discovering the beheaded body of Eldigan in Silvali Castle, sets out to find Deidre.

To worsen matters, Sigurd hears that he and his father Vylon are accused of murdering Prince Kurth of Grannvale  (in truth, Vylon’s rivals, Lombard and Leptor, murdered the prince as an attempt to frame Vylon and take Castle Chaply from him).

Sigurd and company are forced to flee to the faraway frigid mountain lands of Silesse. Despite his justified anger/desires to storm Grannvale and expose Lombard and Leptor for their crimes, Sigurd is forced to resolve the civil conflict of Sileese while living as a refugee.

Once the civil conflict in Sileese subsides, Sigurd sets off to Granvale to combat against Leptor and Lombard. He revives his family heirloom, the Holy Tyfring from his father, who has been morality wounded by Lombard’s squad.  Sigurd is helpless as his dad dies in his arms and promises to rain wrath and revenge upon Lombard and Reptor for their crimes against the Chaply family and the land of Grannvall. Keeping to his promise,  Sigurd successfully slew Lombard and set his sights against Reptor and his unit.

During this time, Quan and his Ethlyn, along with Leonster Lance units, are to aid Sigurd and his army.  However, King Tribant (introduced in Chapter 3) ambushes their squad: killing them and leaving behind no survivors sans Cuan and his Ethlyn’s 3 year old child, Altena. Sigurd hears of this news and is devastated by yet another tragic event in his life.

Following, Sigurd eventually take the battle to Leptor, effortlessly defeating him with the help of his army.  Sigurd is greeted by Arvis’ aide, Aida, who tells him that Arvis and Kurth’s father knew Sigurd and his father weren’t involved in Prince Kurth’s death.  This relives Sigurd, a man who for the past two years dealt with soul-crushing pain.  For once, Sigurd is able to take a break and repay his allies  for their work.

Yet, all isn’t what they may seem.

While Sigurd and company are welcomed to Belhalla by Arvis in a faux celebration party, Arvis reveals to Sigurd that everything that has transpired within the past three years of Arvis’s doing.  He doesn’t pardon neither nor his father for crimes to conspiracy to usurp the Grannvall throne by murdering Prince Kurth. Sigurd is sentence to death.  Sigurd, now in absolute disbelief and believing that Arvis is joking, asks if this is a cruel joke, to which Arvis replies that he is not. Before killing Sigurd, Arvis reveals something that Sigurd has been looking for the past year:

Deidre – now recognized as the wife of Arvis.

Arvis insists that Sigurd must be confronted by the daughter of his victim. Deidre, lacking any sort of recollections of her (true) marriage with Sigurd, questions if Sigurd murdered her father. The man snaps, yelling at his wife that he’s married to him, not Arvis, and that he did not do such a horrible thing to his wife who, he loves dearly by killing her father.  Deidre is confused.  She ponders why Sigurd, the man who supposedly murdered her father, is speaking to her as if he was her familiar. She requests to Arvis that she is given more time to speak with Sigurd to clear things, only to have that requet deny by her new husband.

As Deidre is courted away by Arvis’s royal guards, Arvis believes that Sigurd has said more than enough and orders the execution of Sigurd and his army.

My jaw dropped as I helplessly watched the army whom I raised and the characters I grew to love lives come to a brutal end.

“Nintendo a company for kids and family…Did they just really let one of their main characters die so violently like that?” My teenage mind couldn’t compheren that Nintendo allowed the death of a main character (among many other controversial things) in one of their games.

Continued in Part II.

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The Swarthy Nerd Podcast A Black nerd empowerment podcast where Black nerds (well, all nerds, but Black first and foremost) can get together and talk freely about nerd culture while also acknowledging systematic white supremacy and racism in the nerd and Eastern otaku fandoms. Every Tuesday join @superlostfan108 and @weebtrashyuki the founders of http://www.swarthynerd.com for there very informative podcast talking about all things nerdy. No desperate boot licking self hating negus who were never accepted by Black norimes for being too weird for  their love of anime and comic books by the Black community allowed. Go drink bleach.

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15 years ago, I learned that Sigurd is not Marth's cousin and that I might a racist towards and against any Fire Emblem with Blue Hair (they all look alike to me -- i am not sorry). In celebration of the 30th anniversary of the Fire Emblem series (with the release of the first game of the series, “Fire Emblem: Dark Dragon and Sword of Light released on April 20th, 1990), I will be doing a bit of a low-brow, personal “retrospective” of the games I played from the series.

[fasa-umich]

One Last Time... Kaitlyn Barron & Izzy Poquiz, 2019-2020 FASA Co-Cultural Chairs

The end is here

Kaitlyn: So, I guess we’ve reached the end…

Izzy: Looks like it :,). It seems like just yesterday we were scrambling to plan fall semster’s events, let alone PCN. How did we pull everything off?

Kaitlyn: I honestly have no clue lol. As you continue down Izzy and I’s brain dump, laugh, cry, take note, and cringe at our escapades from a year we will never forget.

^AHAHAHAHA Dank.

EPISODE I

THE CULTURAL CHAIRS AWAKEN

Tinikling on the Diag… Adobo Night….PCN...Lumpia Night… oh my! Cultural Chair may seem like a lot, because it truly is. However, it is a role like no other. With your Co-Chair (who may become your new best friend) it’s you against the world in spreading the Kultura!

^One of our proudest accomplishments

On paper you’re tasked with putting on 3 cultural events each semester, with a specific emphasis on Philippine Cultural Night. This entails facilitating PCN Committee meetings, staying in contact with venue staff, developing programming, finding a speaker, picking a theme, creating and printing programs, working closely with the Performance Chair(s), ensuring we have the right amount of funding, overseeing decorations, picking a menu

Kaitlyn: We may be overwhelming them!

Izzy: Touche. Let’s break it down to the necessities:

EPISODE II

THE RISE OF THE KULTURA: CULTURAL CHAIR TOP TIPS

1. YOUR CULTURE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT

a. We both are by no means experts on Filipinx / Filipinx-American culture! We have certainly become well-versed in researching, fact-checking, being open to learning, and seeking out ways to represent diverse identities.

b. YOU define your identity, and you are in a position where you can help others explore what Filipinx / Filipinx-American culture means to THEM. This is exactly what makes Cultural Chair so difficult... and so worth it.

2. PLAN AHEAD

a. Trust us, PCN is a huge event to wrap your head around and making sure you get work done before you return to school is so very important. Plus you have all summer to talk about  your ideas, which is fun with school not in the way!

b. Organization is the name of the game. Out of all the handy-dandy resume skills to have, effective organizational skills and time management is KEY.

c. By no means do you have to be a master planner, but planning an event as big as PCN while delivering on your responsibilities as a board member and student is no small feat. Know yourself. Know your limits, Most importantly, know when to ask for help!

3. TRUST YOUR CO AND TRUST YOUR BOARD

a. #THETEAM THETEAM THETEAM

b. #What team? WILDCATS

c. Your Co and fellow Boardies are your greatest support system. They are there for you when you want to cry or yell at something (a point that you almost certainly will reach), they always got your back. When you’re having a particularly busy time academically, ask for some help. Utilize this resource wisely!

4. REMEMBER TO HAVE FUN

a. It can be hard sometimes to find some humor and fun when you have to deal with logistics, event planning, or serious discussions. But remember that you ran for this position to make a difference in FASA and to get people engaged with this culture we love so much. Take a break and crack a joke, it really helps when the PCN budget looms in your face.

b. Your time on board moves fast. Like crazy fast. Despite all the past testimonials and boardies saying the same exact thing, it still surprises us how quickly our time as Culturals has come to its end. Cherish every moment and use your time efficiently and effectively.

^So fresh and so clean

Izzy: Speaking of fun, Kaitlyn and I DEFINITELY had our fair share of dank dynamic duo moments… All the stressful and unsavory moments that come with being cultural pale in comparison thanks to Kaitlyn and I’s ride-or-die support we have for each other. When I felt outside pressure, it was easy to eventually push through because I always knew Kaitlyn would be fighting in my corner alongside me.

^CULTURALS UNITE

Kaitlyn: Full disclosure: PCN planning starts as soon as you are elected, so yes March is already go-time. So naturally, Izzy and worked together much over the summer (sometimes twice a week on end), but as we were on opposite sides of the country, FaceTime became our best friend. 6:30 am was probably the earliest I woke up for a call (the time difference is something else), but not once did either of us complain. Those meetings were where we tossed around event ideas, speaker options, and found Pamana our chosen PCN theme. We would hash out the nitty gritties of PCN and go off on tangents about Game of Thrones. I will miss those early mornings and late night calls.

EPISODE III

THE CO-CHAIRS STRIKE BACK

Your greatest friend or worst enemy?

Hahaha jk jk …...UNLESS?!

Cultural Chair is a role that we would say is pretty near impossible to do alone. Nor would this role be as fun and rewarding if you were alone. Your co is there to be your greatest supporter, picking you up when you feel like the world is ending. Whenever one of us had a rough week, the other would take on more to make sure the job got done. When you’re bouncing ideas for PCN it helps to have someone else there to workshop and discuss your grandest and craziest of ideas (cough cough storyline PCN cough cough). When you are running an event like Lumpia Night it helps to have someone to direct the night’s events and interact with members, or escape to cook lumpia for 30 minutes cause you’re overwhelmed by all the people talking (lol), your co has got your back. Even more than the role, we were there for each other as friends, there to cheer up on an off day or “study” for hours on end. This year wouldn’t have been possible without the dream team.

^Young and Naive

Izzy: Before we say our final goodbyes as Culturals, let’s share a little bit about how we got to FASA in the first place.

I’ve come to realize that FASA has been in the back of my mind ever since I attended PCN waaaay back when my Ate Melissa was organizing it. I, a tiny four-year-old, was just there for the ride. Little did I know that FASA would fill the cultural deficit that was missing from growing up in my white washed, small(ish) town. Once I was on campus, my desire to join and immerse myself in FASA was pretty intense. I stalked all the social media, flipped through the old FASA albums, and wondered if FASA would actually live up to my increasingly high expectations. In time, I would meet my fellow former freshman and build friendships that I’m endlessly thankful for. I’d also run for board and even win alongside the GOAT, Kaitlyn Barron herself.

^How could you not love this person

Kaitlyn: I remember going FestiFall freshman year and instantly spotting the Filipino flag waving around high in the air. I ran to it and haven’t looked back from it since. 

Growing up in an Irish-Filipino American household, I was often at odds with where I landed. I was too white to be Asian and too Asian to be white. Even with the bountiful diversity of my Southern Californian upbringing, I did not appreciate my Filipino heritage fully. Once I came here, separated from my family and all I knew, I clung to the anchor that was my mom’s culture, claiming it as my own and one that I would be willing to fight for. I grew to realize that I am Filipino enough, not because I knew the entire history of the Philippines, but because of the love I held for this culture I have grown cherish.

EPISODE IV

A NEW PAMANA

Izzy: Our love for Filipinx American culture and will to claim it as our own have been the driving force behind our time as Cultural Chairs. We worked tirelessly, meticulously, and passionately to create an environment that supported all of you to feel the same pride to be a member of our community.

We hope that Tinik on the Diag got you excited for a packed year of the FASA Performance we’ve all come to know and love (shoutout to Bea, the honorary third Cultural Chair). We hope that Adobo Night and Lumpia Night gave you a little taste of home when you were feeling a bit homesick. We hope the cultural workshops that we’ve put on helped you to think critically about important topics that affect our community. We hope PCN inspired you to look back at the rich legacy behind us and look forward to the vibrant new Pamana that you help create each day. 

Kaitlyn: I can fully say this has been one of the best years of my life, and I credit much of it to FASA. Leaving home was scary, but coming here to Michigan I found my new home in FASA. I’m going to leave all the thank yous to Izzy, but to her I have many thanks:

Izzy, You helped this shy lil bean find her place far away from all I knew. From long nights throwing ideas at our iconic google docs, to supporting me whenever I didn’t feel Filipino enough for this role, and of course all the times we got distracted and just watched YouTube videos and GoT reruns. I will forever be grateful for your friendship and love. I’m the lucky one who had the privilege to call you my co. 

Izzy: Maraming maraming salamat sa inyong lahat. 

To all of you still reading this, thank you for allowing Kaitlyn and I to have our Academy Award speech moment. We’ve been feeling a lil sentimental <3

To FASA, thank you for giving us the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves, our culture, and our community. Thank you for letting us share a little of ourselves with you this year. 

To our future Kultura Chairs, You’ll do great, you’re doing great, you’ve done great. Cultural Chair requires a certain level of comfort with being uncomfy, and confidence when it seems the odds are against you. You have Kaitlyn and I’s support, and if you need us we’re only a text away!

To my fellow boardies, our board was undeniably special. I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to work with a group of individuals so diverse in leadership style who still always made sure there was respect and understanding for each other. I'm proud to say we’re living proof that a successful working relationship is possible with your friends. I already miss y’all so much. 

To Matt and AJ, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, (but mostly the best of times :,) ). Thank you for giving us the room to let our creativity truly shine and the guidance to keep things on track. I would say I’ll miss all the assheadery, but I have a feeling that’s not going to end any time soon. 

And to Kaitlyn, there are LITERALLY no words that can convey how lucky I feel that we were brought together to do this job. Thanks to you, I learned so much about how to stand up for my beliefs and how to become a more empowered individual. Love you lots, co. 

SINCERELY YOURS IN CULTURE,

Kaitlyn and Izzy

[yaminerua]

I was rewatching Thriller earlier for like the bazillionth time and then I started remembering back to when 10 year old me went to my primary school’s halloween disco. I think I was attempting to replicate the way Michael looked in the video for The Way You Make Me Feel. Only I looked kind of terrible cos I was just using whatever I had and the shirt wasn't even the right kind of blue.. Lmfao you tried, past me. Anyways, I guess I was kind of known at school for being That One Kid who’s way into Michael Jackson. Like it was well established by that point and everyone in my year was well aware of and highly amused by it so I got made fun of a lot for it but I had tougher skin back then and could brush that shit off much easier. Didn't really make it easy for myself for being really fricking obvious about my obsession either. Ive never ever been subtle about anything I love. Anyways since it was a Halloween disco obviously the inevitable happened which is that Thriller got played and my classmates were all like lol hey Lauren do a dance. Man I knew I was kind of shit at dancing but like I said I was a tougher cookie then than I am now and I had confidence then that gradually got bullied out of me but the point is I had it once. So when the opportunity came to do a little dance I was like heck yeah. And I probably at the time didn't even realise everyone else was just laughing at me but they formed a circle around me on the school gym hall floor and let me do my embarrassingly bad attempts at dancing and at the end of the night the DJ guy called me up to the stage and gave me a box of maltesers chocolates for being a 'wee star'. I still have a photo somewhere if me posing with the chocolates at the end of the night. I had fun that night. Really had fun. And even tho everyone was probably laughing at me making a fool of myself, in the moment I felt cool, I went for it and got a box of chocolates as a result. The bullying became pretty relentless in the time afterwards so gradually I stopped being as confident. It kind of wavered. Sometimes I didn't care and just went for it (like when I entered the school talent contest trying to do an MJ song and nearly hit my teacher with my shoe when it came flying off my foot in an attempted kick of the leg dance move lmfao) and other times I got overwhelmingly self conscious and chickened out. I didn't go to the Halloween disco the next year because I had become too self conscious. My parents were at the disco tho with some other parents who'd volunteered to help with food and drinks and stuff. And my mum and the neighbour across the street both told me that when it came time to play thriller again the dj had remembered me from the previous year and was all 'where's that wee Michael Jackson girl?' My dad still brings it up sometimes pfff. I felt embarrassed at the same time as regretting not going. I wish I'd gone to more school dances/discos but I became super self conscious and missed out on a lot. I'm still fond of that memory tho because in the moment I had a lot of fun;;;; the picture of me that was taken back then also years later got submitted into a mosaic of the This Is It promotional image of Michaels silhouette built up of thousands of pictures of fans showing their love after... Well... You know. I think my picture in the mosaic was placed somewhere near his legs but I can't remember exactly. It meant a lot to me to be able to be a tiny part of a tribute to him. I went into more detail about it in a Twitter ramble a few nights ago but gosh he was really such an important pillar of strength for me during my younger years, especially through everything that was happening at home. Dancing, even if I was never good at it, and singing to his songs provided an escapism I sorely needed and honestly could probably benefit from going back to now. And regardless of what people believe or hear about him, I genuinely felt that his love and care for children was real and genuine and sincere and that he would never hurt a child. It felt like, even tho I didn't know him and would never know him personally, he was there for me and for all the kids going through awful stuff, be it in their homes or communities or anywhere. It made it feel like even though I couldn't talk about it to people, and had to endure all that shit in silence, that there was someone out there who would care if he knew. Maybe it sounds silly. I don't really care how it sounds. It was important to me when I was small and it gave me so much that I really needed that I couldn't get anywhere else. his death still hurts 9 years later. It's going to be 10 years next year and I am never going to be ready for that. It literally felt like the world just stopped and it still feels like yesterday when I settled down to sleep in this very room and my brother came up the stairs to break the news. I can still remember how hard I cried. I cried solidly for hours until i passed out. I'd always in some way hoped that maybe one day I'd be lucky enough to meet him. To say what I'm sure he probably heard a thousand times in a thousand different ways about how important he had been, how positive his impact had been for me as a child and ever since. That can never happen now but.. Ahh;;;; Someone recently had commented about how next year will make it 10 years since that awful day and I guess it just. Triggered something in me. I hadn't been very outspoken about how much I love the guy because people would always be shitty about it and I was afraid about what people would say because I got bullied relentlessly for it in both high school and primary school but honestly. Fuck that. I don't care anymore. He was important to me and he still is and I'm not going to shy away and pretend that isn't a fact. Genuinely tho...... I'm genuinely 95% certain that if I'd just had the same space now as I'd had to just go and dance til I dropped and sing til I cried as a kid to get out all that was happening inside I'd maybe be a little less fucked up. It was cathartic then. Therapeutic and honestly i want to get that back. Just. Lock myself in a room for hours and get completely lost in the music and then come out of it feeling... Better. Lighter. I don't doubt that maybe if I'd been able to do that when I was going through what I was going through in 2011/12 I might have come through that abuse a little less broken and suicidal but who knows. Maybe not. I'm where I am now and I'd like to think there's still a little hope that things can be alright. This house doesn't have the space nor the privacy tho to do any sort of dancing. Doesn't even have the right kind of floor to spin around on like the old house did before its renovation in like 2008. That and I'm also laughably out of practice and super unfit so I'd probably die like halfway through a song when I used to be able to go on for hours before I got tired. Aaah... One day maybe I'll get to see if that old magic can still help me like it did then. For now........I should probably sleep instead of getting weepy and nostalgic.

[ccrantsandstuff]

lonely 4 life

decided to go on incognito mode with my socials because of personal issues. all my life i was always the friends that everyone tend to ignore and not acknowledged. it hurt a lot growing up but i decided that i was enough for myself so i grew more confident. it was good.. i mean it still is. i learned i don’t need anyone’s validation or acknowledgement to know that i’m a cool, beautiful girl. sometimes though.. sometimes it really gets to me still. i know it is dumb for me to think that i am unloved because i know i have great people who support me. it just my past still gets to me. sometimes moments where i feel like second or last place or just i am not anyone's favorite can trigger that as well. i always felt second place.. last place too.. but there is one thing that gets to me the most and it is that i always felt undesirable from men. from a young girl to a adult woman of 22, i could probably count on one hand all the times a man has shown any attraction towards me. and only one person tried to ask me out if i am not mistaken and that person is my best friend who i do not like that in that way. so my love life has truly sucked. i always pushed those thoughts away at first thinking “oh i don’t need anyone to make me happy!” then high school came. i tried really hard to get myself out there freshmen year but it never worked. i was too shy and no one was ever interested in me. all the guys i liked in high school were either just someone i stared hardcore at in classes or someone i liked but friends ended up with them somehow someway. towards the end of my high school years, i truly began my “i don’t need anyone nor will look for anyone” and i was actually good at it. i mean don’t get me wrong. i downloaded multiple dating app several times but i can’t find myself a guy i connected with to actually meet in person or i simply forget to go back on there.

after the several failed attempts of online dating, i tell myself “oh whatever i’ll definitely meet someone in person. maybe in school or a club. who knows?” but nope. never once was i approached. it doesn’t bother at the time. but i would be lying if it does bother at certain times.. and when it does, it bothers me a lot. do you know how it feels to not be wanted or desired even once? like fuck only once was i actually liked by a boy but the boy was my friend. and i could tell you only once in my goddamn life i was complimented by a boy when i was 15 and i cherished that compliment so much. even to this day. i feel so silly when i think that the lack of attention from men hurt me but it does. it hurts when all my friends get compliments, get asked to dance, get guys to buy them drinks, they approached to dance, they have men drooling over them, they buy them food, they simply get attention and i never once got any of that attention. do not get me wrong. i am not jealous over my friends. i am only jealous of the attention they receive. i feel awkward when they speak that this guy did this and this other did that and i have nothing to compare or relate to that. i feel almost embarrassed to even tell them that i never been kissed. i mean how could i if i never put myself out there and no one never comes to me? i always had a small hope before going out that i could meet someone. or that this year i would meet someone but nope. not even someone who showed any interest in me. i feel like this hurt and insecurity increases every year that i get older and i have no one. this hurts even more because many of my friends are getting married or getting into serious relationships. it really hurts when we try to hang and plans but we are all couples. i just wish i could meet someone. it doesn’t even have to be serious. just someone to introduce me to love. i am not asking for a soul mate, no. just some good companionship really. someone to talk to. someone to hang with and we could do all the plans i’ve been wanting to do forever because none of my friends want to do them. someone who would drive me for once. someone i can take to parties. someone i can bring as my plus one for both family and friend events so i am not lonely or awkward. someone who could show me that it means to be wanted and loved. because i know i could be a good person for them too.

i think i just need to distance myself to regain my confidence again and remind myself that i am indeed a cool, beautiful. so what if i am unwanted? those guys are missing out on a great lady if i say so myself! i think i need to be comfortable with myself again. once this social distancing shit is gone and its safe for me to go out, i am taking myself out on a date. only i know how to treat myself and that is all that matters. i shall treat myself to the best pedicure and manicure where ill leave with shoes and nails, go to a cool coffee shop ive been wanting to go to, and maybe even go to the movies. yes i just need a reminder of how much i love myself and no matter what i felt in the past is nothing compared to my self love now.