#but its due monday and is very easy so we're good. this was the final roadblock

[infizero]

my paper is submitted IM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORST FUCKING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[steamishot]

monday update

a google search tells me there's 51 days before the move. i know i'm emotionally less regulated because of the lack of socialization i get. so, i have to actively tell myself that it's normal to feel all the feelings i'm having due to a major life transition.

i had a full day (can't remember the last time we did this) hang out with S yesterday. right before the hangout, i was getting pensive and sad, thinking about our friendship becoming long-distance, how everything will (permanently) change between us in two months. she's the closest thing i have to family in NYC and i'm grateful to have developed such a close friendship with her. she's also the hardest thing to say goodbye to here.

i'll see her again on friday, and we're planning on a few more hangouts before the move. i'm trying not to view this as a sad countdown to "the last day", but i can tell my emotional guards are up.

i questioned why i feel extra emotional towards this certain transition, in contrast to other milestones i've had previously. my thoughts so far:

leaving NYC feels more permanent. unlike leaving LA temporarily, or graduating from my college apartment, it doesn't feel tangible to revisit (at least not very often). "it's not goodbye, it's see you later" was more believable due to proximity or strong ties.

we spent the last four years building a life here. our apartment is four years in the making and was home this long. we have our routines down. this was my first time being so far away from family and getting a real taste of independence.

on these notes, i'm experiencing some sadness/grief about saying goodbye to this life we created and closing this chapter of our lives.

with age, i've grown more in touch with my feelings and emotions than i was when i was younger.

a lot of alone time; lack of busyness

with my friends in LA, i feel that time is on our side because most if not all of them plan to remain in the socal/CA area for the foreseeable future. this means that ebbs and flows (not being as close for years, and coming back together etc) are normal, because i know that distance by default will keep us at least minimally connected. i didn't really feel sad about leaving friends/family in LA when i moved to nyc, and maybe that was selfish on my part.

S mentioned that she unfortunately calls NYC home. she feels its unfortunate because this city is like revolving doors and it's hard to get too attached to people. a number of her friends are planning on moving away or unsure about settling down there.

couples therapy: i have lowkey been feeling unsettled about this move together because of our differences in feelings towards it. once the initial joy wore off after receiving the pasadena job offer, matt became overwhelmed/very anxious rather than excited about transitioning from one city to another and relearning everything at a new hospital.

although some anxiety about the uncertainty is reasonable, i felt that his level of anxiety was clouding everything and concerning, considering going back to LA was seemingly a shared goal. i felt lonely being excited for our future, when he was more focused on his fears and anxiety of the unknowns (exclusively about his career). this didn't really improve after weeks of trying to talk about it. i decided to schedule an appointment on friday with a therapist on regain to discuss this further. TBD.

habits: it's been a long time, but i have finally almost finished the atomic habits book. using the guidelines of this book, i will try to make reading a more continuous habit. the book basically teaches to make good habits more attractive, easier/less resistant, and more rewarding. in contrast, make bad habits less attractive, more resistant, and not rewarding. also, every effort counts no matter how small.

one good habit i finally have been doing is waking up earlier! this definitely may be dependent on what season it is, but it's been easy to wake up around 7:30-8am these days. i've been going to ceramics when they open at 10am (also get to walk outside when it's not as hot yet), and get in a session before starting work.

i'm also starting to wear my apple watch again, after not doing so for half a year+.

[feathers-scales-and-tails]

Lately I've seen a lot of posts talking about the environmental impact pet cats can have. And while this is absolutely excellent that awareness is finally being brought, I have yet to see a single discussion about pet dogs. Many don't know but they can be just as destructive as cats if allowed to wander unchecked! I'd really appreciate if you could take the time to read this or share it please! So cheers, I'll try not to drag this out too long.

Dogs just like cats, massacre animals simply because of instincts, they're bored, or because it's just fun to kill. Despite it being illegal in Queensland, Australia where I live to allow a dog to leave its property unsupervised, it is common place to see it happen anyway. Local councils are slack with pet cats and dogs so even if their wandering is reported often no punishments are enforced upon owners. Majority know how harmful a single cat can be; my backyard population of Eastern Water Dragons (5 adults, estimated 13 babies) was slaughtered by my neighbours cat. That damage has never reversed and to this day, roughly 8 years after, I have never seen another Water Dragon in my yard. Yet mention a dog and people will bite your head off with "dogs are angels" and "my dog would never kill"

We don't often hear about dogs killing wildlife although it does happen, considering they don't drag the kills back home likes cats do. Often dead possums and kangaroos will be abandoned wherever the dog killed them, unbeknownst to the owners. However what we do hear about commonly, is livestock.

Ask any farmer in Australia and they will tell you that they've had stock massacred by dogs, occasionally feral but usually pets. Feral dogs don't like light and are usually smart enough not to jump into a paddock where they'll be trapped and prone to discovery by humans. Pet dogs don't have this fear, and are often found covered in blood and gore surrounded by bodies.

Here are some of the stories I was told just from last year. Warning I have included very graphic descriptions so if you don't want to read feel free to skip. I'll summarise at the very end of this post how many stock died for you without the details.

12+ sheep (he stopped counting it was too distressing for him but estimate is around the 20 mark) attacked by dogs. 5 were still alive when he found them, 2 passed away as he went to get his knife. He had to finish 3 off. He doesn't know what time they were attacked but considering most of the blood was dry it was likely many, many hours ago. The dog wasn't caught but it was likely a pet one considering none of the carcasses were consumed at all and the owner lives close to both a university and a town where there are many pet dogs.

23 sheep including lambs and pregnant ewes massacred by two pet dogs. 11 were still alive when found and most needed to be finished off. These dogs had obviously taken great joy in chasing the sheep since all injuries sustained were to the rear with absolutely no scratch on the front end of the sheep. It's likely they chased them, grabbed them and pulled them down, them let them back up and repeated until the sheep collapsed from blood loss and exhaustion. Several of the sheep were missing the tendons in their legs and these tendons were found flung across the paddocks. The two dogs responsible were found on the property, they were playing with a deceased lamb. Throwing it in the air and shaking it. When they caught sight of the farmer approaching them they ran over for pats. I'm unsure what happened to the dogs? I believe the farmer found their owner and gave them a serving but allowed the dogs to live.

3 calves attacked by dog/s. Culprits weren't caught so this one could have been feral, but considering nothing was eaten again doesn't seem likely. 2 of the calves were found deceased, one with chunks taken from both sides so big you could stick your fist inside apparently. The other one was missing her ears and tail but had no other visible injuries asides from tears at her heels. She likely died from shock. The 3rd calf was found still alive, lying on its side with its intestines hanging out. The dogs had crippled its back legs so it couldn't stand or run and then torn open its stomach. It appears that they may have been going to eat the organs but were disturbed or scared off? This calf was shot.

7 sheep killed, 3 pregnant ewes and 2 lambs. I wasn't given details of how they died, or if any were found still alive, however I was told something which is incredibly upsetting. The dog that did this was their own. She was their pet German shepherd who had previously chased sheep but never attacked them. They rehomed her somewhere without other animals.

37 chickens. Once again no details but it was the neighbours pet dogs.

An alpaca who was guarding his herd of sheep died valiantly defending them from two dogs.

Somebody's entire flock of 10 sheep. They'd not long gotten them and since they were pets they were obviously crushed. Dog wasn't caught but was likely another pet considering the lambs bodies appeared to have been shaken around like toys.

That was all during 2018, last year. Please note that if vet treatment was feasible, a lot of these animals would have received it. Their conditions were so poor that there would've been nothing a vet could do asides from euthanasia. Although vet euthanasia is more humane and nicer than a slit throat or bullet through the skull, rural vets often aren't nearby so can take several hours to arrive. Although some cases would come down to money (a vet callout fee is around 100-200 bucks) majority were because these people didn't want to leave their stock in pain while they waited for vets to arrive (they likely would have died before the vet arrived anyway). So please don't come at me about how them putting their stock out of their misery is abuse or anything like that because it's an awful thing to go through and was not a decision made lightly.

All of this I only know from talking directly to the farmers (I'm involved in agricultural shows particularly the sheep and poultry sectors). Two of those people I mentioned are friends of mine. I had SEEN that first examples sheep on the Friday. He'd taken me down and showed me all of them. By the Monday, I think it was? Over half of them were gone. There was one little girl I fell in love with and joked about taking home with me. It crushed me finding out she was one of the ones he had to finish off, left there god knows how long in agony. I'll attach a photo of her because she deserves remembering.

That's livestock, I dread to think what dogs are doing to our local wildlife. Here are a couple cases I've heard about this year for wildlife. Descriptions are brief and not gory.

Pet dog killed a blue tongue lizard found in their yard. She also maimed another one which they got off her and took to the vets (likely euthanised)

Pet dog jumped and pulled a Ringtail possum out of a tree on an early morning walk. Owner got the possum away from it but she was pretty maimed, she was euthanised at the vets.

Pet dog kills big Brushtail possum it found crossing through the yard at night.

Pet dog on a walk takes off on owner chasing a wallaby. Leash wasn't securely being held so is pulled from the owners hand and the dog runs off into bushland after the wallaby. He came back after 10-15 minutes of calling him, muzzle covered in blood. It's unknown what happened to the wallaby.

Oh so many snakes killed by dogs.... people like to brag about their dogs killing snakes so I've probably got 30 stories of this for you. "He was guarding his family like a good boy" "only good snake is a dead snake and (dogs name) here knows it!" "Better the snake than me" "one less snake! I think that's celebration. I hope he gets more"

That last one in particular makes me incredibly angry. Vast majority of snake bites are because people either try to catch or kill the snake, if left alone we wouldn't have as many 'vicious snake attacks' as we do. Many dogs die annually or require antivenon due to being bit while mauling snakes. It's not that hard to train a dog not to touch wildlife.

I think it's great we're becoming more aware of the environmental impact cats have, and are hopefully becoming more responsible cat owners. However education also needs to be raised on how destructive dogs can be. We need to ensure that we're responsible owners and do everything we can to minimise the impact our pets have on both wildlife, and other people's pets.

Livestock summary: 12+ sheep killed, 23 sheep killed, 3 calves killed, 7 sheep killed, 37 chickens killed, 1 alpaca killed, 10 sheep killed. And not a single one was eaten, simply killed for sport.

Here's that gorgeous girl I said I'd attach a photo of, may she rest easy now.