#but its central message about kindness and forgiveness still gets me so much!

[spioderman]

thinking about how the haunting of hill house tv series rlly is kind of in conversation with the book. like the book is about the experience of feeling isolated and depressed and the way it overcomes your life and it contemplates the fantasy of running away and forgetting your problems while the show says gently yes, you are isolated, alone and afraid. you are wounded but you are not in an unfixable situation. you are loved whether you are alive or dead. you can change the future, and you can heal. there was love and there can be again.

[be-gay-do-heists]

hello yall :) the holy month of elul started last night, which is typically a time for contemplation, so since it is impossible for me to stop thinking about leverage, i decided to write an essay. hope anyone interested in reading it enjoys, and that it makes at least a little sense!! spoilers for leverage redemption

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Leverage, Judaism, and “Doing the Work”: An Essay for Elul

When it comes to Elul and the approaching High Holidays, Leverage might seem like an odd topic to meditate on.

The TNT crime drama that ran from 2008-2012, and which released a new season this summer following its renewal, centers on a group of found-family thieves who help the victims of corporations and oligarchs (sometimes based on real-world examples), using wacky heists and cons to bring down the rich and powerful. In one episode, the team’s clients want to reclaim their father’s prized Glimt piece that had been stolen in the Shoah and never returned, but aside from this and the throwaway lines and jokes standard for most mainstream television, there’s not a ton textually Jewish about Leverage. However, despite this, I have found that the show has strong resonance among Jewish fans, and lots of potential for analysis along Jewish themes. This tends to focus on one character in particular: the group’s brilliant, pop culture-savvy, and personable hacker, Alec Hardison, played by the phenomenally talented Aldis Hodge.

I can’t remember when or where I first encountered a reading of Hardison as Jewish, but not only is this a somewhat popular interpretation, it doesn’t feel like that much of a leap. In the show itself, Hardison has a couple of the aforementioned throwaway lines that potentially point to him being Jewish, even if they’re only in service of that moment’s grift. It’s hard to point to what exactly makes reading Hardison as Jewish feel so natural. My first guess is the easy way Hardison fits into the traditional paradigms of Jewish masculinity explored by scholars such as Daniel Boyarin (2). Most of the time, the hacker is not portrayed as athletic or physical; he is usually the foil to the team’s more physically-adept characters like fighter Eliot, or thief Parker. Indeed, Hardison’s strength is mental, expressed not only through his computer wizardry but his passions for science, technology, music, popular media, as well as his studious research into whatever scenario the group might come up against. In spite of his self-identification as a “geek,” Hardison is nevertheless confident, emotionally sensitive, and secure in his masculinity. I would argue he is representative of the traditional Jewish masculine ideal, originating in the rabbinic period and solidified in medieval Europe, of the dedicated and thoughtful scholar (3). Another reason for popular readings of Hardison as Jewish may be the desire for more representation of Jews of color. Although mainstream American Jewish institutions are beginning to recognize the incredible diversity of Jews in the United States (4), and popular figures such as Tiffany Haddish are amplifying the experiences of non-white Jews, it is still difficult to find Jews of color represented in popular media. For those eager to see this kind of representation, then, interpreting Hardison, a black man who places himself tangential to Jewishness, in this way is a tempting avenue.

Regardless, all of the above remains fan interpretation, and there was little in the text of the show that seriously tied Judaism into Hardison’s identity. At least, until we got this beautiful speech from Hardison in the very first episode of the renewed show, directed at the character of Harry Wilson, a former corporate lawyer looking to atone for the injustice he was partner to throughout his career:

“In the Jewish faith, repentance, redemption, is a process. You can’t make restitution and then promise to change. You have to change first. Do the work, Harry. Then and only then can you begin to ask for forgiveness. [...] So this… this isn’t the win. It’s the start, Harry.”

I was floored to hear this speech, and thrilled that it explained the reboot’s title, Leverage: Redemption. Although not mentioned by its Hebrew name, teshuvah forms the whole basis for the new season. Teshuvah is the concept of repentance or atonement for the sins one has committed. Stemming from the root shuv/shuva, it carries the literal sense of “return.” In a spiritual context, this usually means a return to G-d, of finding one’s way back to holiness and by extension good favor in the eyes of the Divine. But equally important is restoring one’s relationships with fellow humans by repairing any hurt one has caused over the past year. This is of special significance in the holy month of Elul, leading into Rosh haShanah, the Yamim Noraim, and Yom Kippur, but one can undertake a journey of redemption at any point in time. That teshuvah is a journey is a vital message for Harry to hear; one job, one reparative act isn’t enough to overturn years of being on the wrong side of justice, to his chagrin. As the season progresses, we get to watch his path of teshuvah unfold, with all its frustrations and consequences. Harry grows into his role as a fixer, not only someone who can find jobs and marks for the team, but fixes what he has broken or harmed.

So why was Hardison the one to make this speech?

I do maintain that it does provide a stronger textual basis for reading Hardison as Jewish by implication (though the brief on-screen explanation for why he knows about teshuvah, that his foster-parent Nana raised a multi-faith household, is important in its own merit, and meshes well with his character traits of empathy and understanding for diverse experiences). However, beyond this, Hardison isn’t exactly an archetypical model for teshuvah. In the original series, he was the youngest character of the main ensemble, a hacking prodigy in the start of his adult career, with few mistakes or slights against others under his belt. In one flashback we see that his possibly first crime was stealing from the Bank of Iceland to pay off his Nana’s medical bills, and that his other early hacking exploits were in the service of fulfilling personal desires, with only those who could afford to pay the bill as targets. Indeed, in the middle of his speech, Hardison points to Eliot, the character with the most violent and gritty past who views his work with the Leverage team as atonement, for a prime example of ongoing teshuvah. So while no one is perfect and everyone has a reason for doing teshuvah, this question of why Hardison is the one to give this series-defining speech inspired me to look at his character choices and behavior, and see how they resonate with a different but interrelated Jewish principle, that of tikkun olam. 

Tikkun olam is literally translated as “repairing the world,” and can take many different forms, such as protecting the rights of vulnerable people in society, or giving tzedakah (5). In modern times, tikkun olam is often the rallying cry for Jewish social activists, particularly among environmentalists for whom literally restoring the health of the natural world is the key goal. Teshuvah and tikkun olam are intertwined (the former is the latter performed at an interpersonal level) and both hold a sense of fixing or repairing, but tikkun olam really revolves around a person feeling called to address an injustice that they may have not had a personal hand in creating. Hardison’s sense of a universal scale of justice which he has the power to help right on a global level and his newfound drive to do humanitarian work, picked up sometime after the end of the original series, make tikkun olam a central value for his character. This is why we get this nice bit of dialogue from Eliot to Hardison in the second episode of the reboot, when the latter’s outside efforts to organize international aid start distracting him from his work with the team: “Is [humanitarian work] a side gig? In our line of work, you’re one of the best. But in that line of work… you’re the only one, man.” The character who most exemplifies teshuvah reminds Hardison of his amazing ability to effect change for the better on a huge stage, to do some effective tikkun olam. It’s this acknowledgement of where Hardison can do the most good that prompts the character’s absence for the remainder of the episodes released thus far, turning his side gig into his main gig.

With this in mind, it will be interesting to see where Hardison’s arc for this season goes. Separated from the rest of the team, the hacker still has remarkable power to change the world, because it is, after all, the “age of the geek.” However, he is still one person. For all that both teshuvah and tikkun olam are individual responsibilities and require individual decision-making and effort, the latter especially relies on collective work to actually make things happen. Hardison leaving is better than trying to do humanitarian work and Leverage at the same time, but there’s only so long he can be the “only one” in the field before burning out. I’m reminded of one of the most famous (for good reason) maxims in Judaism:

It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you free to neglect it. (6)

Elul is traditionally a time for introspection and heeding the calls to repentance. After a year where it’s never been easier to feel powerless and drained by everything going on around us, I think it’s worth taking the time to examine what kind of work we are capable of in our own lives. Maybe it’s fixing the very recent and tangible hurts we’ve left behind, like Harry. Maybe it’s the little changes for the better that we make every day, motivated by our sense of responsibility, like Eliot. And maybe it’s the grueling challenge of major social change, like Hardison. And if any of this work gets too much, who can we fall back on for support and healing? Determining what needs repair, working on our own scale and where our efforts are most helpful, and thereby contributing to justice in realistic ways means that we can start the new year fresh, having contemplated in holiday fashion how we can be better agents in the world.

Shana tovah u’metukah and ketivah tovah to all (7), and may the work we do in the coming year be for good!

------

(1) Disclaimer: everybody’s fandom experiences are different, and this is just what I’ve picked up on in my short time watching and enjoying this show with others.

(2) See, for example, the introduction and first chapter of Boyarin’s book Unheroic Conduct: The Rise of Heterosexuality and the Invention of the Jewish Man (I especially recommend at least this portion if you are interested in queer theory and Judaic studies). There he explores the development of Jewish masculinity in direct opposition to Christian masculine standards.

(3) I might even go so far as to place Hardison well within the Jewish masculine ideal of Edelkayt, gentle and studious nobility (although I would hesitate to call him timid, another trait associated with Edelkayt). Boyarin explains that this scholarly, non-athletic model of man did not carry negative associations in the historical Jewish mindset, but was rather the height of attractiveness (Boyarin, 2, 51).

(4) Jews of color make up 20% of American Jews, according to statistics from Be’chol Lashon, and this number is projected to increase as American demographics continue to change: https://globaljews.org/about/mission/. 

(5) Tzedakah is commonly known as righteous charity. According to traditional authority Maimonides, it should be given anonymously and without embarrassment to the person in need, generous, and designed to help the recipient become self-sufficient.

(6) Rabbi Tarfon, Pirkei Avot, 2:16

(7) “A good and sweet year” and “a good inscription [in the Book of Life]”

[mydisenchantedeulogy]

Black Wedding [Chapter Two] Silver Tongue [Albert Wesker]

Aria didn't want to go home once she got into her car a little after seven this morning. She was too scared to be alone and far too tired to stay awake, cowering beneath her blankets in an empty home as she worried about being mauled to death in her sleep.

Even though none of the murders had occurred indoors, and despite Albert assuring her that she'd be fine nestled away in their home under lock and key, she was still too scared to go home. Aria didn't want to let her guard down, not when the murders occurred close to home. That sort of ignorance horrified her the most.

How could anyone sleep soundly knowing a person in the same community was dead? Murdered, no less.

Aria frowned and gripped the steering wheel.

Poor Mr. Webster.

Her heart went out to her.

His death shook her. Dr. Hersh called it at a quarter till five this morning, though he passed on before the EMTs arrived at his home on Wallace Street. His carotid artery had a puncture; his spine broken, causing him to bleed out in minutes during the alleged onslaught.

His wife passed years ago from leukemia, so Aria had to leave a voice message with his son, who lived in Washington, according to his address. In a soothing voice too unreal for a woman who just witnessed a horrific murder, Aria informed him to contact the Hospital Director once he heard it. Still, she doubted that Mr. Webster's son would get the message until much later, given the time zone.

An EMT that brought him in reported that a neighbor from across the street saw Mr. Webster get attacked by a black dog near the edge of the forest; several large chunks were missing from his upper body, unlike any canine attack Aria had ever heard of before. What was he doing near the woods in the middle of the night? And what drove the animal to attack him?

Perhaps the beast was starving. Why else would it eat him?

Aria shivered in fear.

She tore from the parking lot in her Audi and turned onto Mission Street, heading towards Central down to Ennerdale, where the police department sat; the prominent structure before 1969 was an art museum bought out by the RPD.

Aria transferred to Raccoon General in 1992 after its construction, coming from Stone Ville, a town northwest of the city, but she knew its history, despite how expansive Raccoon had grown during her time from home; the city continued to grow even now thanks to Umbrella Pharmaceuticals, and the company's investments.

Parking her car, she strode from the underground garage to the department's entrance, slowing her rushed pace once she entered the reception area to the right of the main hall.

She noticed a woman with dark hair that she had never seen before occupying the reception desk. As she approached, the woman glanced up from her computer in boredom.

“What can I help you with, ma'am?”

Aria cleared her throat. “I came to see Albert Wesker.”

The woman typed something into her computer and hummed, then tossed a laminated pass onto the counter; Aria hooked it onto the pocket of her scrub top.

“The S.T.A.R.S. office is up the stairs at the far end of the hall,” she explained in a dead tone. “Be sure to sign in before you go.”

Aria did as she instructed, then stormed down the hall, turning the corner near the entrance to the west office. As she neared the stairs, she came across Barry Burton at the vending machine, recognizing his hideous red vest.

“Isn't it too early for a break?”

Barry turned in shock, staring at her. Once he recognized who Aira was, he narrowed his eyes.

“I'm surprised that Wesker let you off the leash today,” he teased.

Aria snorted and rolled her eyes. Barry was uneasy about her marriage to Albert, mainly because she married him a year after meeting him. She hadn't even had a honeymoon yet, but that didn't matter; she loved Albert.

He was quiet and somewhat arrogant when prompted, but he never treated Aria like she was inferior to him. Albert kept her together.

Barry didn't understand. Not to mention he wanted to set her up with Chris – his good friend – despite the eleven-year age gap.

“Behave,” Aria teased. “I don't want to tell Kathy that you've been eating junk food when you're not supposed to.”

Barry grunted. “I said nothing.”

She thought so. Her older sister was a force to be reckoned with, and he knew it.

“What are you doing here, Aria?”

She frowned, recalling the events of this morning.

“I want to see Albert is all,” she explained.

Barry sighed, bending with a grunt to pick his candy bar up from the exit slot.

“You might want to wait,” he suggested. “Irons is up there bitching to him about something. He sent the entire unit out.”

Aria puckered a brow. “Is everything alright?”

It was none of her business, but she wondered if the meeting with Irons had anything to do with the murder on Wallace Street. But why involve the S.T.A.R.S. unit? The murders were not a product of antiterrorism or urban crime and were more suited towards the cases the Patrol Division officers oversaw.

Perhaps she was overthinking it.

“As far as I know,” Barry answered back.

Aria hoped so. She said her farewells, deciding to wait near the S.T.A.R.S office, but as she began to climb the stairs, she had an idea and peeked over the railing to call out to Barry down below.

“Do you think Kathy and the girls would like to visit the zoo Friday?”

Barry hummed. “I don't see why not. I'll ask them tonight.”

Aria thanked him and continued up the stairs to the second floor. She rested on the bench next to the office door and waited for Irons to leave.

Once he appeared, storming out into the hall as he uttered beneath his breath Aria stood and greeted him.

“It's good to see you again,” she mentioned with a fake smile.

Irons grinned, looking her over. “The pleasure is mine. How are things over at the hospital?”

“Fine,” she answered back.

He reached forward and gently touched her shoulder. “Ethan called me already. I heard about the man who died this morning, but I don't want you to fret, Aria. I'll take care of it.”

“I appreciate that, sir. Thank you,” she stated.

Albert must have known as well.

Easing over, Aria grabbed the knob and opened the office door.

“Try and get some sleep, Aria. You look tired,” Irons mentioned.

She nodded and slid inside, closing the door behind her.

His kindness was innocent, but at times it freaked her out.

Aria sighed and strolled further into the room. Albert had his own office immediately to the left after coming into the primary office; she entered once she knocked on the door.

He puckered a brow.

“Aria, what are you doing here?”

He seemed to be in an irritated mood.

“I came to see you,” she answered back. “But I can leave if it's not a good time.”

Aria was referring to what Barry had said; about Irons grilling him.

Albert motioned her in; she looked desperate.

Aria shut the door behind her and strutted towards the desk, coming around the side of it.

“I guess you heard,” she mentioned. “Mr. Webster – the widower on Wallace Street – was brought in this morning.”

Albert hummed. “Brad mentioned that it was an animal attack.”

“Another one near our street,” Aria confirmed.

He puckered a brow, watching as she sat on the desktop. Her tired eyes stared down at him; Albert understood.

“Are you too scared to go home alone?”

She frowned. “I hate how you said that.”

Like she could do nothing without him.

Aria sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She had a terrible headache brewing.

“That wasn't fair,” she mentioned. “I'm just tired; forgive me.”

Albert opened his desk drawer and tossed her a bottle of Diphenhydramine.

“These will put me in a coma,” Aria joked.

He hummed. “Whatever makes you sleep easier.”

“You being home will make me sleep,” she countered.

That reminded her.

“Are you working this weekend?”

Albert nodded and stood up. “Something came up.”

Of course, something came up.

“But I'm home Sunday,” he added. “And we can catch up.”

Aria grinned. At least she had one day alone with him.

“Please tell me what you want for Sunday, and I'll cook for you,” she offered.

Albert grinned and motioned towards his seat. “I'll think of something. In the meantime, rest your eyes. I'll wake you before I leave.”

Her face heated up. “Thank you.”

How did he take her mind from one place to the next? It amazed her.

Aria hopped from the desk and embraced him. Her cheek rested against his chest.

“I'd be a mess without you,” she said with a laugh.

Albert snorted and buried his fingers into her coarse blond hair, aware that she wasn't joking.

Aria was a feeble pet, after all.

[thegaudiercollection]

The Last of Us Part II: The effects of exposure four days after completion

There is a plant in my apartment. When my partner and I moved into our unfurnished flat, it was one of the few things left behind. A scrawny, scraggly thing, we left to it’s own devices tucked away as we focused on populating the space with our own things and navigating the perils of quarantine. Naturally, months later, the plant was even worse off than before from neglect. After finishing The Last of Us Part II (TLOU2) I have become obsessed with nurturing and caring for this poor dead plant until I can bring it back to life. There are other factors to my huge emotional stake in this plant other than TLOU2, such as current political events and general ennui but that beautiful game is a final straw. I loved it. I think it’s a masterclass story of the perils of hate, of longing and loss, grief and collateral. Of pain and moving on. It is a tale desperately in need of being told during modern times as ideas of revenge and justification become muddled and blurred. Naturally there are spoilers to this so please do not continue reading if you don’t want that.

SPOILERS Below

Death

​I have seen many people talk of the main character death of Joel as being unnecessary and unwarranted. As a disservice to his character. I could not disagree more. I understand those thoughts and it was a devastating loss so many years after falling in love with the character in the first game. But his death is far from a lacklustre shock tactic in place of real narrative as we’ve seen with shows like Game of Thrones. It is not death for deaths sake. His entire death is central to the story and it’s protagonists. It of course completely encapsulates Ellie’s. Here is someone with so many mixed feelings for her father figure after the discovery of his actions at the end of the first game where he killed the fireflies and prevented a vaccine being made. She says at one point “My death would have mattered. You took that from me.” This complete betrayal coupled with her desire to try and forgive even if it’s impossible is a central theme. She has a lack of closure with him, and with it she becomes lost in navigating life without that purpose. She pours all her efforts into doing what he would do. “If it was you or me, Joel would be halfway to Seattle by now.” That’s why the parallels with her beating Nora for information and demanding a location on a map from Mel and Owen, all perpetrators in the murder, mirror Joel’s actions in the first game. He does the exact same thing while trying to find Ellie. But this is a man consumed by the loss of his daughter and the last twenty years of survival and all the horrible deeds he did in that time. When Ellie does it, she is shown to be deeply effected by the trauma of it. Her numb and shaking reaction to torturing Nora. Her breakdown at murdering the pregnant Mel. The costs of this hit her hard, because she is not Joel. Which is all he wanted for her.

​Joel never wanted Ellie to be like him. Ellie was what dragged him from that person into a better one. He learned to care again with all the vulnerability that brings. Ellie’s process is so similar with the narrative parallels. We spend the majority of the game begging Ellie not to go through with it when we see the adverse effect it has on her. The people around her and herself are hurt with every act of revenge. Where initially, we see Abby, the one who dealt the killing blow, we as an audience are calling for her death. We can’t wait to kill her. And the game solemnly shows us that cost. We sit there going wait no I don’t want Ellie to feel this way. But it’s what we wanted. This is the cost.

Playing as Abby

​I was initially reluctant to play as Abby for half of the game but it was a brilliant and integral part of the plot. We see so many parallels between her and Joel when she starts to look after Lev and Yara, two kids she discovers. We see the similarities between her and Ellie with her desire of vengeance. We see these interpersonal connections that grow on us, the very people we condemned immediately at the beginning. We see them as having their own complex lives, their own three dimensional narratives. We start to care about them and start to see how Abby and her friends have their own motives. Ones we want to disagree with because we love Joel but it’s hard to do so because it seems so right that he would be the antagonist to them. That’s not why we should disagree. The game shows us that the cycle of violence harms everyone in the vicinity of it. The only winning move is not to play. To say no and break the chain. Abby has the complexity of Joel. His brutality matched with their good deeds. It is a great opportunity for us to connect with a character that had she been introduced any other way we would have loved. Hell, when the trailer first showing Abby came out people lost their minds about how great she seemed. How capable and strong. The game tells us that if we love Joel then we should love her too because they both have the same flaws and same merits.

​Misery Porn

​I’ve seen people describe this game as unnecessary misery porn. I get why, and if you don’t want to play a game with a profound sense of loss and tragedy throughout then it won’t be for you. But it isn’t misery for misery’s sake. Every stroke of sorrow is either to drive us to empathise with characters feeling the same kind of way, or to show the cost of violence as an answer to overcoming grief. Some say that just because it’s post apocalyptic doesn’t mean it needs to be sad. I agree. The genre itself is far too often just a outlet for people to have gruesome and half baked plots with character death as a substitute for genuine plot. But a sequel to a game so routed in tragedy, a game called The Last of Us, you shouldn’t criticise it’s sequel for not being primarily focused on softer elements. The sadness of the sequel is a clear and direct progression of themes set up in the first one. It would a disservice to the series to change gear. That’s not the core themes of the games. If you think the ending of the first game is a happy one, you should revaluate the outcomes for both Ellie and Joel and the morality of Joel’s actions. If you still think the sequel does a disservice but filling itself with pointless misery then fair enough. But I think the sequel is entirely honest to its roots and if anything is better than the first one as it has that platform of character development there to springboard a emotionally stocked tale for fans to immediately dive into.

​Lastly

​I think people who think Joel’s death was out of character and sloppy writing should take that anger and pain and direct it towards the narrative as the game would want of us. The seemingly bold execution of a main character so shockingly and so early on is exactly the kind of pain Ellie felt at his death. To have someone who means a lot to you taken so quickly and ruthlessly is exactly what sets her on the path of the game. And the ultimate message is one of overcoming that grief. Her journey of violence that leads to nothing but more death ends with her leaving Joel’s guitar behind, literally moving on, from that pain. Trying to kill Abby, killing her friends, brings no solace. It costs so much. Her walking through and empty house is the cost of her leaving her family to pursue vengeance. As Dina says “She doesn’t get to be more important than us.” Ellie mad the very human choice to desperately try and force herself to overcome her PTSD and her loss of Joel by misguidedly going for revenge. But as she is moments away from getting this outcome she sees a flash of Joel the night she told him she was going to try and forgive him. And she stops. She finally allows herself to grieve without recompense. Greif doesn’t have a quick fix. It has to be felt, harshly and wholly. Working through the pain, letting time take its course, and getting to the place where you can evaluate your actions and their fruitfulness, is the only way forward. It cost Ellie a lot to learn that and to get to that point. But I think the end is ultimately a showcase of her process from where she was to where she is. I was so deeply affected by the end because it’s the greatest tale of grief and the cost of revenge as an answer I have ever experienced. For everyone who doesn’t like it I am sorry. I hope you can put that anger and disappointment into the narrative and use it to further connect with the characters. If you can do that, I think you’ll discover a fantastically told tale. I hope you do.

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Kara & Will’s First Date [a supercorp rift ficlet]

Note: Not a Kara/Will fic. This is a revisit of a previous what if, and an exploration of a potential plot arc I wouldn’t mind seeing for Will.

----

Kara spots Lena out of the corner of her eye, a flash of pale skin against a cobalt peacoat entering the restaurant. Her gaze locks on her friend like a heat-seeking missile, losing track of William's ongoing story in favor of watching the maitre'd assist in removing the cobalt coat to reveal the same off the shoulder dress Lena last wore to the Arbor Day Gala. 

This time though, her hair isn't swept into a french twist, but rather left long and loosely curled across one shoulder, pinned with glittering diamond studded clip. The resulting effect sucks the moisture from Kara's mouth, stunned by the relaxed sensuality that emanates from Lena like a subtle perfume.

The second difference is the way Lena reaches for Andrea as soon as the maitre'd takes her coat as well, looping their arms together in a casual, elegant intimacy that makes Kara's cheeks flush. She jerks her attention back to William, who hasn't noticed her distraction, feeling as though she'd witnessed something she shouldn't. 

It turns out not to be much of a secret, however, when a voice bright with false cheer cuts through William's ramble.

"Kara?! Wow, what are the chances?!"

Kara can't help the slight skip in her heartbeat as Lena settles into one of the two open chairs at the table, greeting her like an old friend. Andrea gamely claims the second with quiet amusement in her eyes, tempering the reflexive hope that flares in Kara's chest. She sits back as Lena leans in intently, clearly the master of whatever game she's playing.

"I had no idea the two of you would be here tonight," Lena gushes, her smile too wide for the glint in her eye. "Well, Mr. Dey, I commend your foresight, Mr. Dey. You must have had this on the books before you even came to National City! Their reservations have been booked solid for ten months."

Kara blinks at that. She hadn't realized. 

"Either that, or a Pulitzer carries more weight than it used to," Lena allowed with a sweetly doubtful purse of her lips.

Kara's cheeks flush, but not for the reason William probably thinks. Only Lena knows how little a Pulitzer truly means. 

"Speaking of which," Lena continues, before William can respond, "I'm curious. What drew a Pulitzer winner such as yourself to a publication like CatCo?"

"You say that like CatCo doesn't have its own Pulitzer winner on staff," William returns congenially. Kara tucks her hands in her lap, studying them to avoid Lena's gaze, but not quickly enough to miss her smirk.

"CatCo was covering different subject matter at the time. No offense to your new boss." Lena shoots a charming smile to Andrea, who receives it with a smile of her own. 

"None taken," comes the breezy response. "You may have managed a Pulitzer, but the finances had seen better days."

"Right. So, what brings Britain's shining star to click bait central?" Again, she shoots Andrea a look. "No offense."

"Uh huh," Andrea hums into her wine glass, taking a deep sip.

Lena then turns expectantly to Will, eyebrows lifting in wait. It's clear she's expecting an answer, and won't be moving on without one.

"At the time, CatCo was doing the kind of work I wanted to be a part of," William allowed, before crafting a sheepish smile. "To be honest, the prospect of working for the great Lena Luthor was a compelling one."

At that, Lena's features crease into a sympathetic pout. "Shame about the hand off then. But honestly you've got the next best thing-- Kara here knows everything there is to know. Don’t you, Kara."

Kara’s cheeks flush with sudden offense at the light-hearted barb. "Lena--"

"So really, if you'd gotten these reservations in the hopes of some one-on-one time in order to grill your new boss with your questions regarding my brother's role in your friend's death, you could not have chosen a better substitute than Kara Danvers. She knows me better than I know myself."

The table seems to freeze around Lena. Kara's ears yawn as the seconds stretch. William looks like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, and even Andrea tunes in with abrupt focus, her gaze bouncing briefly between the two before settling on Will with entirely new, suspicious regard. 

Lena shifts back in her seat, as though unaware of the effect she's made. 

"Well, the change in management is for the best I'm sure," she delivers with cool, frictionless ease. "After all, a romance between my two star reporters wouldn't have flown under my tenure."

Anything else was pre-empted by the arrival of the maitre'd. "Your table is ready, madames."

Lena grants him a delighted smile. "Excellent." She turns back to the table. "We've taken enough of your time this evening."

Andrea rises first, her gaze still locked on Will. "For tonight yes. But I'll be taking more of yours tomorrow, Mr. Dey. Much more."

When Lena also stands, Kara can't help but reach. "It was good to see you," she blurts, tilting her chin up towards her friend.

Her heart plummets when their eyes lock, and a cold gaze looks back at her from above a sour smile.

"What are friends for?"

The words hit Kara like a smack to the face. She blinks, stunned, as Lena pulls away and leaves them to an awkward silence.

"Look, I'm sorry about all that. Lena had no right to insinuate any of that--"

"She was right," William blurts, almost breathless. "I thought I could do this, but clearly it's no use."

"Could do what?"

"I asked you out tonight to get close to you. So I could ask you about Lena. With her no longer at CatCo, you were my only connection--"

"So, you made me believe you liked me? So I would then... what? Tell you all her secrets?"

Will's features darken with guilt. "I'm not proud of it--"

"No? Well, you should be," Kara snaps. "I’m not an easy person to fool, but you certainly managed. With flying colors."

Shoving to her feet, Kara grabs her purse and yanks it over her shoulder. She turns to leave, then turns back.

"What's sad is, a few months ago you would have been in good company. I lied, for a reason I thought was worth the pain of one person. But I'm not that person anyone. At least, I don't want to be."

She speaks to William, but he isn't the one Kara hopes is listening.

“Kara,” Will tries again, oblivious to Kara’s wish. “I-- I'm sorry."

The words pull Kara to a sharp pause. Her heartbeat staccatos in her ears, layering meaning and weight to every syllable. Williams apology feels genuine, but it means nothing against the shame of believing him interested in her company for her company alone, interested in her for herself alone.

What apology could ever make up for that?

With sudden clarity, Kara understands Lena's scheme entirely. Undoubtedly she meant Kara to experience the shame alone, the embarrassment of having been so thoroughly duped. But the shame that fills Kara's chest boasts another source entirely.

Calmly, Kara turns and meets her coworker's gaze. 

"Good bye, William."

She leaves the restaurant with more grace she expects, and even as she steps alone into the night air there's a buoyancy in her chest that lifts her heart with newfound hope. 

William doesn't need her forgiveness. She was nothing to him, and in truth he was nothing to her. Nothing but a possibility she feels no guilt letting go. 

Her guilt stems from the loss of someone who does matter.

Pulling out her phone, Kara taps out a brief message and sends it off with a whoosh and a ding.

Message received, is all she says.

With those two words issued, Kara begins her walk home with a bounce her step, thoughts churning as to what her return volley to Lena will be. After all, she now knows first hand how hollow the words "I'm sorry" can be. Now she knows she'll have to go further to win back Lena's trust.

And she's ready to do it, whatever it takes.

Game on.

[mistwraiths]

2 stars

Apologies for the blurry picture but I couldn't seem to find a good one. The Crown of Gilded Bones is the third book in the From Blood and Ash series. I want everyone to know I'll be putting on my clown makeup after I post this review because despite rating the first two books low and having issues with them, I somehow deluded myself into thinking this one might be better! It wasn't and dare I say it I think this was the worst one by far.

I'm genuinely trying to find something good about this book ot at least something I really enjoyed. I do like that the books pick up right where the last book ends up. The first few chapters are pretty exciting. Around page 600, the last few chapters are fast paced and things are happening. Other than that, I can't really think of anything I really liked about the book.

Crown of Gilded Bones majorly suffers, like its predecessors, in the same four ways. Being too long, repetition, world information and building, and nothing important to the central story or plot happening for huge chunks of pages.

I firmly believe that all the books were half their length and the story beats were quicker coming and longer, it would be far more enjoyable. Instead you're forced to slog through inner monologues that don't add anything new, Poppy getting dressed by Casteel, showers, and other mundane parts. I thought knowing that it would be slow would help me enjoy the book but nope. The whole deciding to go to the realm of the gods literally doesn't happen until nearly the end of 500 pages in.

The worst part about the book being far too long and nothing happening is that when something does happen, it gets rehashed several times to the point where I, as a reader, am exhausted about reading about talking about it. I'm a big lover of communication. I love it when characters who are working together or are together tell each other important information and trust each other, but this is different. Once something happens, it gets talked about it detail for a handful of chapters, usually lasting longer than the actual event itself, and then is brought up again to go over, and then again. It's frustrating because I just want to move on but the story is so determined to go over everything again.

That's not the only instances of repetition. I know authors tend to reuse certain words over again. SJM and her "croon" and "toes curl" and "barked/roared". I can forgive stuff. I can look over Jennifer's constant use of dimples. The honeydew part is the most disgusting. I don't care what flavor Poppy's vagina is. There's a difference when it comes to the same thing happening with the near similar responses/situations being used over and over again as an attempt in humor but it falls flat after its been used several times. I'm talking about the "I have a question" "No one is surprised by that" parts and the Poppy being prone to violence makes Casteel horny and Poppy has to be like you're disturbing. If it showed up once or twice after the initial one, I could get over it. But it's reused every so many chapters. If it's an attempt at humor, it is a poor one.

This book is number three in a series and this book is still chock-full of world building and world information. I could possibly forgive it since I suppose at the start Jennifer didn't plan for a big fantasy series, but it's too much. There's so much information being crammed at you and it's in a very obvious way. Poppy asks and Kiernan or Casteel answers. That's pretty much the only way Poppy and the reader learns anything. At this point, I feel like I need a glossary and timeline because there is so much information.

In fact, despite nothing happening, l don't know how it still feels that there is a lot going on. There's the Solis problem. There's the Poppy should be queen problem. There's the people have concerns of Poppy being queen. There's the Unseen problem. Another Dark One problem? Poppy's lineage/past mystery. Something about waking up the Consort? And a little bit more. It's a lot.

In the second book, I liked Poppy (sort of), Casteel, and Kiernan. However, I find myself not liking any of them that much. From personality to saying similar things, they all feel very much the same character. There's not much difference in personalities or dialogue. About the only difference is that Kiernan is cool, Poppy is compassionate when it suits the narrative, and Casteel is protective. Other than that, there's not much of a difference between any of them.

Poppy is pretty much the same as always. Massively overpowered and incredibly special, doesn't know anything about her world that she lives in, and somehow despite being so special and powerful, she's kidnapped and hurt and then levels up again. We are forcefully spoon-fed how Poppy is so strong, so beautiful, so intelligent and clever. I haven't found one instance that I've been wow that was smart. Poppy's powers she inherently knows how to use perfectly the moment she gets them.

There's also almost no female interactions or female friendships with Poppy. Tawny was barely there in the first one but when she surprisingly shows up here, she's immediately rendered injured and unconscious. We're told Vonetta and Poppy are friends, but there's been almost no interactions. Vonetta gave her clothes once and then delivered a message later. Is that a basis for friendship? Vonetta eventually falls in a hole and Poppy saves her. That's about it. Ileana and Eloana are both older motherly types but also significant worrisome individuals for Poppy internally. Again, there's like one conversation each with them individually. Lyra is introduced to us by giving Kiernan a blow job but no interactions. Hisa and Nova are soldiers but no interactions. It's even mentioned that female draken are rare, but I'd argue that female characters are exceptionally rare. It's ridiculous. It's like there isn't any female that's allowed to have a moment of spotlight or competency other than Poppy. Poppy also has a moment of nastiness that's out of character when she threatens a woman who admitted to her that she had no interest in Casteel and Casteel had said the same and he wasn't interested in her, and she threatens to rip her limb from limb. It's so sudden and startlingly and leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.

As for Casteel, I no longer like him nor do I think he's a good guy. I think he's capable of good, being good, doing good but there's too many times where he's been vocal about killing anyone and burning his own kingdom down if Poppy doesn't get her own freedom of choice or what she want and what not. It's played out as the most truest love but to me, that's like a villain kind of love. If someone I loved burned down a city because I didn't get to choose what I wanted, I'd call the police. The craziest thing I had to read is people believing that Casteel would make a good king when he legitimately states that Poppy's needs comes before his own kingdom's needs. And if hers are met, the kingdom's could be met. That's not how any of that works!

He also does something incredibly reckless. I get it, he couldn't live without Poppy so he chooses to Ascend her. I can wrap my head around it. The fact of the matter is that Casteel refuses to take the blame or even entertain the consequences that could have resulted in that and how reckless it was. Poppy even refuses to allow the conversation. They are both like: I am not a vampry. Nothing bad happened so let's move on. It's astounding. Not only that but I felt it extremely odd that Poppy would have been okay with Casteel making her into a vampry, something incredibly dangerous and something she hates and would never want to be. It's just oh okay well luckily I didn't turn into one. And that's... it? It would have made good tension but no. Instead, they're just in love so much we have to listen to Casteel tell her how strong and beautiful she is every twenty pages.

I was excited to learn more about Kiernan but I still couldn't tell you much about him. Best friends with Casteel, a wolven, and he's always like "no one is surprised by Poppy having question". That's about all I know of him. Those are all things I knew about him in the second book.

Some other things I had issues with is that the villains are eager to spill everything about their plans. I feel like I'm watching a cartoon show with their villain monologues going on and on. Everyone except for Poppy is knowledgeable about everything!! People are constantly apologizing for things they have no control of. Characters somehow know exactly what to say to Poppy all the time like mind reading. I'm annoyed that the gods realm and the draken were such short parts.

When the reveals and the action which took 600 pages to get to happened, I really couldn't find myself caring. Reading felt like a chore. I'm not worried about any of the characters. I don't know if I'm interested anymore in reading this series because it feels like work trying to read it. I'm here for enjoyment and I'm not having a good time.

[non-sequitura]

Non-sequitura Disney in-depth analysis (after making a tier list)

Warning: SUPER longform. If you don’t know a movie well, you should skip the summary. I tried to be light on spoilers, but they’re there.

I went chronologically from favorite to least favorite. So S tier is, in order from fave to least fave, The Incredibles, WALL-E, then Zootopia.

S tier (Something I consider high quality AND a movie I greatly enjoy. I would love more Disney movies be like this.)

The Incredibles - one of my favorite movies of all time, possibly THE favorite. Rockin social commentary, epic action scenes, memorable characters, not a minute of screentime wasted, great take on the Fantastic Four, hilarious parts for both adults and children, an interesting villain, etc. 

WALL-E - I love how social commentary was done here. Also skies above, what a beautiful love story. Really blazed a trail in non-verbal storytelling (especially given it was an animated kids film!) Robot animations are particularly delightful. 

Zootopia - another social message delivered excellently and entertainingly. I love Judy and her persistence, I love the expressiveness of the faces and the epic city setting. I love Judy and Nick's banter. This movie deserves to be remembered longer than it has been so far. Admittedly, not one of my fave villains, which makes it my least favorite of the Ss. 

A tier (either super high quality or something I greatly enjoy and deem of at least reasonably good quality)

Mulan - this movie did everything right. Truly feminist protagonist, an icon for strong Asian women, fairly culturally accurate (tho Mushu confuses me), GORGEOUS and iconic music. Lets a relatively natural romance develop. I frickin love the action scenes, I love the emporer. Sadly, this movie just didn't lodge its way in my heart as well as Pixar did. Pixar just has some magic, yo. 

Cinderella - my gosh what an underrated protagonist. Her family straight-up abuses her and she never loses sight of her goals for a better life. Iconic visuals helped bring Disney out of bankruptcy. A gorgeous alto singing voice. 

Wreck-it Ralph - alright alright ppl don’t crucify me for this. I honestly can’t think of much wrong with this movie. Vanellope and Ralph’s vitriolic best buds relationship is adorable, her forgiveness of him is heartwarming and (relatively) deserved, rockin’ Owl City song, epic visuals that mix together bc of all the different games. ALSO ONE OF THE BEST DISNEY VILLAINS NO CAP. One of the only twist villains I like. And we stan the romantic pairing. 

Tangled - I’ve talked about this a lot, but Rapunzel deserved the whole world after what she’s gone through. That being said, Gothel is not some shallow monster she needs to escape from, but an intelligent, well-defined monster with backstory. I could totally see this story happening if the world of Tangled existed. Epic love story, hilarious dialogue. Music is… good but much of it is less memorable to me. Visuals are good but not quite at the level/creativity of many other disney films. 

The Lion King - they really put Hamlet in Africa and pulled it off lol. But in all seriousness, no one took the premise of this film seriously at the time and it became sooo iconic. I love Scar and his eventual downfall, I love how Simba grows emotionally, I love the sad moments that don’t overpower the overall feeling of light goofiness. And music so memorable it was one of the first Disney musicals. 

Coco - not a super unique story premise. But an incredible culture to explore with such creativity and sensitivity. I love the themes of death not being the worst and music being so central to the story. Twist/twist villain was memorable and not expected. And yeah, it did make me cry, so props there. 

Ratatouille - the most recently watched of these films for me. This movie is soooo unique! Back when Pixar was truly super out there with their concepts. Super Parisian visuals and soundtrack. It somehow starts goofy (THE OLD LADY TRIES TO KILL REMY WITH A SHOTGUN WHILE WEARING A GAS MASK) but really drives home the message that you can truly do what you want regardless of who you are. Colette can get it. And the monologue by Ego at the end is one of my favorites in film. 

Frozen - Anna is one of my favorite Disney protagonists. She’s so resilient and loyal. Elsa ain’t bad either but she experiences… less character development. The film is a tad too pleased with its own self-awareness for my taste, but there’s no denying how iconic the music and visuals were. 

Inside Out - Alright, this movie hits home for me bc I tried to run away after moving. A super thoughtful, heartfelt depiction of (potentially depression? imo) with great moments of humor. Riley’s inner world is so creative and lovely. Also realistic depictions of Minnesota/California culture. 

Tarzan - Jane! is! smart! and! adorable! Her scientific curiosity makes her very endearing. it’s so cute to see her and Tarzan learn from each other. Also Tarzan’s “found mother” is epic. Solid score. Solid film all around. To quote Lily Orchard, “This film is what Pocahontas tried to be.” 

B tier (one of my favorites but has a few significant flaws that bring it down (or not quite as memorable to me, but consider good quality))

Peter Pan - Haven’t seen it in a hot sec, but I remember being super charmed by this as a kid. Just going out, having incredible adventures, and returning to a warm home at the end of the day. Tinker Bell is hilarious and beautifully drawn. Gets major negative points for the depiction of Native Americans tho. 

Big Hero 6 - I was super charmed by the protagonist, his family/friends, and the setting. The plot/villain’s motivations are a bit of a mess, though. 

Princess and the Frog - This movie has so much flavor to it! The visuals/music are lovely and unique. Tiana is incredible but it’s kinda annoying how EVERYONE keeps trying to shoehorn her into romance. The thing is, her goals are entirely reasonable. Focus on her restaurant, then look to settle down. But they’re like “nooo you’re ignoring the important things in life” smh. Also, epic villain, woohoo! The movie dragged significantly for me when they were in the bayou. Charlotte is delightful. 

Winnie the Pooh - don’t remember it super well, but I think it was charming and occasionally dark, which is an addictive concoction. 

The Little Mermaid - MAN ppl roast Ariel way more than she deserves. Visually, it was… fine. idk. This movie is good. I don’t have much else to say about it. 

Snow White - the one that started it all. Visually, super impressive. Musically, lovely. I find the romance a bit… off. Well, more than a bit. What is it with Disney and kissing sleeping people? 

Alice in Wonderland - a nerdy acid trip. Right up my alley! I also like films where ppl go on incredible adventures and return to the status quo, but THEY changed bc of it. Epic. SUUUUPER creative visual interpretation of Carroll’s book. Brave - gosh I loooove films where a parent and child learn to understand each other. Never got why ppl hated this movie so much. The Scottish flavor is present and fun. Merida made one mistake and made it up. The arrow scene is iconic. 

Cars - a fun ride! (hahaha puns.) We love seeing Paul Newman as a car. 

B-minus tier? (same as B, but problematic, or weaker story-wise.)

Hunchback - man… settings-wise, this film might be my favorite. I also love Esmeralda and Quasimodo as characters and as a duo (though the sexualized depiction of Romani ppl is not epic.) I also don’t find the discrimination against Esmeralda/Quasimodo jarring bc it matches the time period. Frollo is super interesting as a villain. The gargoyles are… def not necessary. Basically, this film doesn’t know what it’s doing with tone. 

Sleeping Beauty - Aurora was my favorite when I was younger because I thought she was the prettiest, and that still defines how i feel about this, basically. Visually lovely - everything is kind of elongated and gothic. Maleficent is spiteful and epic. I have no issue with the fluffier parts of the movie, like the music or the fairies. RIP for lack of consent being a plot point, though. 

Hercules - Megara is incredible. one of the only Disney “princesses” who acts like an adult and has cynicism as a major part of her personality. I love her and Herc’s progression where she learns to trust him (yes, he is genuinely that sincere, it’s not a front.) Muses are unique, whoever came up with them was high on something and I’m living for it. I just think the plot itself was somewhat unrealistic/ weirdly-paced. There are some memorable songs, some less-than-memorable songs. Art style is cool but I’m personally not a fan. EXTREMELY inaccurate depictions of the original Greek gods. 

C tier (entertaining, but I don't consider it a great movie)

Bolt - I watched this like 11 years ago. It was fun! A cool concept about those put on a pedestal learning their worth even without celebrity boosting them up. Animation was… fine I think. not super memorable to me. 

Frozen 2 - They really took any scrap of character development Elsa had in the first movie, threw it in the garbage and set it on fire. Anna deserved so much better. Songs are bombastic and impressive, have the occasional interesting lyric, but are really weirdly placed and none are quite as iconic as the first movie’s (except Aurora, she does great work here. Also the song Anna sings after she thinks Elsa died.) 

Not a big fan of the vaguely homeopathic theme. Not a big fan of Olaf’s WEIRD character development. Not a big fan of the suuuuuper awkward dialogue and the animations that imply not only that Kristoff is into his reindeer but that Elsa and Anna are into each other (if you’re questioning if they did that, yes, they did, I can find screenshots of some really weird expressions/moments. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PANDER TO YOUR WEIRD FANS, DISNEY.) 

The voice actors did great work, the animators did great work (look at the details on their clothes! Look at how Elsa’s posture changes to be more confident! look at how they're animated while they're singing!) Some weird costume/makeup choices that make Elsa look like an aging starlet, but she also has some gorgeous moments so eh. It’s a wash for me. 

They really did not know what to do with Kristoff this movie, huh. The only thing that happened to him was singing a cheesy 90s ballad and marrying Anna, both of which were admittedly epic. Also, the trolls got 0 appearances despite being literally psychic. Probably could have helped with a lot. I'm not a huge fan of lore/worldbuilding, and thee was a lot of it here. Overall neutral on it. 

Also a big theme in this movie I don’t love - **** TANGIBLE CONSEQUENCES TO OUR ACTIONS!!! The danger is Elsa’s death, the elements, colonialism, and Arendelle literally being destroyed. None of those end up playing out, so I was left at the end going “this film had literally no stakes.” 

Monsters U - same as above - entertaining at the time! Not super memorable. The ppl we were supposed to dislike kept switching. Doesn’t really match the canon of Monsters Inc (I thought they were supposed to have known each other since childhood so why did they meet in college?) 

Cars 3 - so apparently, everyone HATED this movie! Fun! I never watched Cars 2 (yes watched Cars 1 if you haven’t been paying attention to this list), but I didn’t think this movie was bad at all. Well-acted, some fun chase scenes, the scene where Lightning fails at driving in the simulation is genuinely hilarious, and some interesting perspectives on teachers getting the spotlight for their skills for once. 

Incredibles 2 - I liked this film at first, but then it was… just okay in retrospect. I love me some good family dynamics. The plot here makes not a lot of sense. THEY BUILT UP THE UNDERMINER FOR NOTHING AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT HIM. I was surprised by the villain swap, but it happened so last minute I never really understood their motivations even after they explained them. Tried to tackle waaaay too many messages. 

D tier (I didn't enjoy these or consider them mediocre)

Finding Dory - Maybe I should have put this higher? Like C tier at least. Ah well. Wasn’t a huge fan of the body/physical comedy (not my thing), but it was entertaining and awww finding family is heartwarming. 

Finding Nemo - I remember nothing about this movie. 

E tier (this film has significant problems)

Beauty and the Beast - *sigh*… I want to love this movie. The score is gorgeous. Visually, they could have made it more distinctly Rococo-era France but didn’t (why?) The voice actors did good work and I think Paige O’Hara is SUPER underrated here. 

The Beast is emotionally manipulative with an awful temper that (for MOST of the movie. He doesn’t change.) That’s the main reason this is in E tier. This movie shaped so many generations of people thinking they can change the behavior of someone who treats them badly through the power of love. But you can’t. She learns to “love” the beast under coercion. It’s not Stockholm syndrome - it’s a trashy romance novel. Big fan of Gaston as a villain. He’s an archetype ppl can recognize and it’s so satisfying to hate him.

F tier (I think this film actively harms the industry and would rather it not have been made. Both the one in E tier could be considered harmful to the industry, but I think they had significant enough artistic accomplishments to scrape above that. I'm also generally a fan of "lack of censorship bc it's better to teach what not to do.")

Pocahontas - this movie took real historical events and romanticized them AND sexualized one of the only Native princesses they’ve had. Boo. Nothing wrong with animation!Pocahontas as a character, it’s just people put her in a story that doesn’t represent history well at all (and these historical events, unlike those in say, 14th-century Germany, had super relevant effects on people alive today.) And they portrayed the Native Americans and colonial settlers as equally in the wrong. (though I like Governor Radcliffe as a potential villain and love the line “see how I glitter.” I can’t NOT laugh when I hear it.) Lovely music, though. Nice animation, but the colors are weirdly… muted? 

Bad Garbage (I don't wish this film had never been made, but I wish I never had to see it.)

Planes - this movie was ridiculous. I remember not much about it except that I kinda hated it and that it was super cheesy with tension one could see right through that immediately resolved itself via one twist or another. 

Haven’t seen tier: Recess, A Bug’s Life, A Goofy Movie, DuckTakes Movie, Lilo and Stitch, Pinocchio (actually i have seen this but I remember nothing about it), The Nightmare before Christmas, Toy Stories 1, 2, and 3, Up, 101 Dalmatians, The Great Mouse Detective, Cars 2, Moana, The Good Dinosaur, Pete’s Dragon, Fantasia, Peter Pan Return to Neverland, Fantasia 2000, The Black Cauldron (read the book, though!), Bambi (or I did and remember nothing about it), The Rescuersm, The Rescuers Down Under, Planes Fire and Rescue, Bambi 2, The Fox & the Found, Oliver and Company, Atlantis, Treasure Planet (I want to, though), Piglet’s Big Movie, The Jungle Book, the Emporer’s New Groove, The Jungle Book 2, Chicken Little, Brother Bear, The Three Caballeros, Pooh’s Heffalump Movie, Dumbo, The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad, Aladdin (seen parts but never the whole thing), Strange Magic, The Sword in the Stone, James and the Giant Peach, Frankenweenie, Lady and the Tramp, Ralph Breaks the Internet, Doug’s 1st Movie, Monsters Inc. (want to, though), Meet the Robinsons, Dinosaur, The Aristocats, Robin Hood, The Tigger Movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, that pooh movie at the end without the title on it

-11/21/20

[darling-archeron]

Beneath the Dark - Chapter Six

What would have happened if Feyre had come to Prythian much earlier? Feyre Archeron has left her mortal life behind, and accepted being demi-fae. She has found her place in the Night Court's Inner Circle. But when her and Rhys attend a ball hosted by Amarantha Under the Mountain, they are in for much more than they bargained for.

A huge thanks to @theleadcinnabon for helping beta this chapter and story!! <33

-

Three weeks had passed since we had been trapped here. Three infinitely long, dark weeks. Some days passed by as slowly as watching shadows shift. Others seemed gone in a blink.

 Amarantha had been toying with Calder all week while everyone else watched helplessly. Some of his family had tried to heal him, tried to get her to stop, but to no avail. Not only were his healing abilities weakened by losing his magic, but some damage wasn’t meant to be survived. That was the kind of damage The Deceiver knew to inflict. Not to mention that she didn’t take kindly to anyone trying to steal her entertainment. But yesterday it had finally ended, as he had gasped his last breaths out, the color of his blood only a bit darker than the red marble floor. It seemed that even his enemies felt some shade of remorse. They had hated him, yes, but...not like this. 

Jurian’s eye had gone wild inside her ring as if reminded of his own execution. Indeed, it wasn’t the noble death of a High Lord as I would have hoped – it had been a welcome, sad thing. An older High Fae was High Lord of Winter now, his eyes serious by the burden laid upon him. I hadn't yet spoken to him. I would wait, see what sort of leader he turned out to be.

But in the time since we had first been trapped, some semblance of normalcy had begun to knit itself together. We had all begun to get a feel for the central part of the mountain and the passageways it contained – though the tunnels and catacombs far below were still a mystery. Amarantha had even been halfway agreeable when you considered that she hadn't ordered any more mass murders. The week prior, she had commanded the High Lords to find out what their High Fae needed so she could have it shipped over. Of course, requests of the lesser fae were ignored. Yet, among the most requested goods were fabrics, spices, and various other precious items. As if finery and riches would save us, improve this false court in any way. She had even left a few, though not all, requests for weapons slide by, though I knew it was nothing but a taunt.

Rhys was scarce these days, and I could never decipher where he had slipped off to. I caught glimpses of him at the nightly revels and around the halls, but we had exchanged few words over the bargain bond, and even fewer face-to-face.

I would have been lying if I said his ignoring didn’t sting a bit, even if I knew why it was. In the absence of him and his orders, I made it my mission to learn everything I could about the inhabitants of the Mountain and its layout. Gathering any bit of little information that could help me get Rhys, Nuala, and Cerridwen out.

As it was now, the afternoon was drawing to a close, and I found myself standing in a cavernous room, speaking with males who thought themselves better than me as I held a glass of wine in my hand.

A common occurrence these days. Somehow, nobody had lost their taste for alcohol despite the catastrophic curse it had laid on us.

This time, the males were High Lord Nostrus, who seemed to have the interests of his people at heart, and though he was intelligent, was also weak-willed, and his much younger cousin, Tarquin. Beron had also inserted himself into the conversation and was my least favorite to deal with. Misogynistic and cruel, I would never forgive him for what he had done to Mor.

“Truth be told, Nostrus, I can’t see why any of the Courts should consider consolidating their resources. Maybe Summer is weakened, but Autumn doesn’t need to lean on anyone else.” Beron replied.

“That may be true now, but what about in forty years? Not just for us, but for our people. Our trading with the continent has been seriously impacted by recent events.” Tarquin interjected, ever eager to help.

“Tarquin has a point, but I can’t be convinced that the Courts should consolidate completely, Nostrus. But there’s no reason we shouldn’t plan for it in the future.” I pointed out.

Nostrus looked irritated but stayed silent. It was Beron who couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

“And who invited you to participate in this, Lady Valspian?” Beron jabbed.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “Are you going to pick a fight with me, Beron? As Lord Nostrus pointed out, we are all in this together. Perhaps when the time comes, you wouldn't be so quick to shun what Night offers.” I fought to keep the bitter edge mostly out of my voice. Beron was cut off from responding by Tarquin gesturing to behind me.

I turned around to see a grey-veiled female servant standing a few feet away. The fabric distorted too much of her features for me to see her clearly, but I could make out a pair of bright, catlike green eyes. She shrunk back under my gaze. “Lady Valspian?” 

“Yes.” The sound of her voice startled me – I had never heard one of these servants speak. They were quiet and submissive, just as Amarantha liked them. Supposedly they were her servants from Hybern, but I had heard rumors of Prythian’s Lesser Faeries being kidnapped, cursed into silence and servitude.

“I have a message for you. Her Majesty requests your presence in her chambers in an hour for dinner.”

I had known this was imminent. I had waited with bated breath day after day, knowing that Amarantha would not forget about me. And I had promised myself I would meet it head-on. I was not weak, not helpless anymore. I knew how to use my powers. I could break into minds and glamour and win a swordfight against someone stronger than me.

And yet – my courage faltered. As those images flashed in my mind. Of all Amarantha had done. Of all the times I had failed.

“Tell Her Majesty that while I am honored, I have already promised dinner with Lady Cyra tonight, and I’d prefer not to go back on my word.”

Behind me, I heard Beron snort.

Was it a shit idea? Absolutely. Was it going to put Amarantha off my trail? Probably not. Through the veil, I could make out the girl’s eyes widening. “I-I do not think it was an optional invitation, My Lady. To dine with Her Majesty is a great honor.”

I narrowed my eyes. “The Queen should know that I keep my word. Now leave, before I have to make myself any clearer.”

She nodded once, turning away and soundlessly retreating down the hall. I prayed that Amarantha wouldn't take her wrath out on the servant.

A little over an hour later, I heard Rhys for the first time in days.

“What the hell, Feyre?”

“What?”

“You refused Amarantha? By telling her that you were dining with Cyra, of all things? Couldn’t you have at least come up with a better lie?” His temper was barely in check, anger so sharp lashing down the bond I could nearly feel it.

“I’m trying to keep my secrets just that Rhys – secret. And you’re always so insistent on me staying away from her, I would have thought you would have been pleased.”

“Well, congratulations. You’ve only succeeded in drawing more attention to yourself.”

A cold feeling crept over me. I had been irrational…I had known all along that this wasn’t a permanent solution.

“I’ll be fine, Rhys. I can take care of myself. But how did you hear about it so fast?”

“I’m entertaining her right now. I’m the next best thing to your delightful company tonight.”

Was that where he had been spending all of his time? With her? That cold in the pit of my stomach grew. “I didn’t realize…I’m sorry, Rhys.”

Stony silence. I attempted humor. “ Is the food at least decent? If you’re subjected to her company you should be fed properly.”

No response. Once again, towering walls of adamant environed him. I didn’t bother trying to get past them.

Holding in a groan, I resisted the urge to ask for something stronger to drink. The gravity of the situation had truly settled on me in the past days. At first, despite the horrors, it had almost seemed like a bad dream. That luxury was fading away with each day.

At least I actually had agreed to dinner with Cyra. The youngest daughter of High Lord Julius, the female was certainly clever, if not a bit shallow. Rhys’s ties with Day were tenuous at best, and if having dinner with one of their royals would help me keep a better eye on them, so be it.

--

An hour into my dinner with Cyra and I hadn’t figured out if she was asking nonstop questions about Rhysand for political reasons, or because she thought he was handsome and marriage material.

Well, he was. Handsome, certainly. But that was no reason for me to spend my time answering question after question about him, all while trying to turn the conversation back around to her. 

“And where does Rhysand spend all his time these days? I can’t say I’ve seen him in – well, I don’t know how long!” She tittered, and I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes.

If she was trying to wile secrets out of me, she was making an interesting approach. 

I focused on cutting my chicken into tiny, tiny pieces. “I couldn’t say. He hardly confides in me about his whereabouts And even -.” I was interrupted by the door being violently opened, handle knocking against the stone of the wall.

There in the doorway, framed by faint faelight from the hall, stood Amarantha herself. She looked otherworldly in the lighting, a painting waiting to be created with a crown on her head and a dark dress.

Cyra's fork clattered against her plate.

“Cyra. You will excuse Feyre. She has much greater plans with me this evening.” Her voice left no room for argument. “Feyre.” A beckoning, as if I was a dog to be summoned. I stood from my chair and followed her out the door, not bothering to look back at Cyra.

A string of expletives going off with each step I took, following close behind her, I hoped I was only being over cautious. She didn’t speak.

I had known from my explorations that Amarantha’s chambers had two entrances – the doors to her bedroom, and an entrance to her living quarters. Amarantha took me to the latter, the door less grand than the main ones but still carved. I wasn’t sure what to brace myself for – heads on a pike, more finger bones, servants waiting on her hand and foot – but no. Instead, it was surprisingly empty. The walls had been papered with a rather gaudy purple and cream pattern, and a giant faelight chandelier hung from the ceiling. Amarantha settled herself on a velvet mauve chaise, hand open and awaiting something. A heartbeat later, a grey-veiled female servant appeared, placing a glass of red wine in her open hand. I stared at her for a moment, and frightened green eyes peered back at me. It was the same servant from earlier - Amarantha hadn't harmed her.

“Feyre. So nice to dine with you.” She scanned me up and down, a catlike smile forming on her lips.

“It’s my pleasure, my Queen.” I dipped into a curtsy.

“Likewise.” She gestured to a chair with a wave of her claw-like hand. “Sit.”

I made my way over to the matching velvet chair nearest to her, dress crinkling around me as I sat. I had barely blinked before a wine glass was placed into my palm. Then both of the silent maids were out of the room, nearly floating like specters. Now that I was closer to Amarantha, I could sense the wards and spells she had placed on herself, making physical attacks impossible. Of course, magic ones were already out of the question.

 “So.” She angled her body towards mine, eyes crackling with dangerous power. “I'll do you a favor just this once and not mention the way in which you slighted me this evening. I trust it won't happen again."

I scrambled for a response. "Of course. Thank you, My Queen."

Her entire demeanor changed then - from threatening to untroubled in a heartbeat.

"Then, how are you faring? Are you comfortable here?”

I nodded. “I’m doing just fine, thank you.”

She rolled her eyes. “A boring answer. Come now, Feyre. I find you interesting. So entertain me.” Indeed, I had never quite seen this side of her. How many sides did the Deciever have?

This was what she had called me in here for? Petty gossip and entertainment? I took a long, slow sip of my wine.

“I’m afraid I don’t have much to report on.” 

She took another sip of wine, otherwise unmoving. I had to force my fingers to stop playing with the fabric of my dress. “I won’t dance around niceties anymore. I’m sure you know why I’ve called you here. You have quite a unique skill set.”

I had considered this at length. To play dumb or go along with this. And I still wasn’t sure that my decision was the right one. “I do.”

“I was quite surprised at first. You seemed so ordinary, and yet you walked so close to Rhysand the night of the masquerade. He valued you, and now I know why. You might be the only other of his kind on the continent. I never imagined you’d reveal your secrets on your own so quickly. You fought rather spectacularly in the fight. You even brought down one of my personal guards. I didn’t think many women fought in the Night Court.” She took another swallow of wine, and then lowered her hand again, resting it on the side of the chaise.

For the first time in weeks, the idea of a painting flashed in my mind. The dim lighting, the glinting jewels, the rich fabrics – it would make for quite the portrait. For a moment, I wished that was that she had called me here for instead. It was almost laughable, and though painting her would have been like ripping off a bit of my soul, it would have been infinitely simpler.

I let out a short, mirthless laugh instead. “I have no desire to be weak, to be considered lesser, among these males.”

“Perhaps if you revealed your true gifts, you wouldn’t be.”

“I have already done it without that. Why would I show my true hand?” I countered.

“Powerful and a strategist.” She mused. “What other gifts are you hiding?”

I did that bored half-shrug I had seen Rhys pull off so effortlessly.

“You’re from Night, so you must have some sort of shadow manipulation, correct?”

Right – at least sort of. I could manipulate shadows, but not even close to the extent that Rhys could. They were half inconsequential things of smoke, shades of Rhysand's wonderous creations. Usually, if I wanted shadows, it was easier just to create a glamour.

"I've also seen you walking. You practically prowl, your feet are so silent. In another life, perhaps you could have been an assassin," she mused.

Damn it. Just like that, she had me pinned down.

“Since you insist on knowing, yes. I can manipulate shadows, I can break into minds, I can stab someone before they even know I’m in the room.”

 “You’re my kind of female, Feyre Valspian. And we could do great things together.”

“What are you proposing?”

Amarantha ignored my question. “Do you hate me, Feyre?”

I forced myself to not break eye contact, to keep my hands still. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t play dumb. I know you don’t like me, Feyre. I can see it burning in your eyes, you know. If you want to get anywhere, you really should get better at concealing it. But luckily for you, hate has never deterred me.”

Do not let surprise show, keep your face a mask –

I finally found words. “I don’t hate you, My Queen. I hate the murders of my people that you’ve committed. I admire your ambition.”

She tilted her head. “Those deaths were necessary, Feyre. Certainly, acceptable losses in the grand scheme of things.”

“Perhaps.” I allowed, clamping down on my rage. Many of those nobles had been wicked, many of them I could barely name. And yet, I still felt such unmatched anger at their deaths. Perhaps even deeper than Rhys had. Maybe it was because of my youth – I hadn’t had time to grow a shield between myself and the world.

“Your dislike is hardly enough to discourage me, dearest. You’re far too much of an asset.”

“Please, explain to me what it is you want.” I insisted.

“What I want?” Her breathing grew quick, fingers so tight around the glass goblet I thought it might shatter. “I want to see Tamlin fall. I want to make sure all of Prythian recognizes me as their true Queen. I want to watch the dawn of a new age.” She locked eyes with me. “And you are going to be the one to help me do it.”

 My breath hitched a bit, but I looked down at my wine instead, swirling the dark purple around in the glass. “Why should I?”

Amarantha set her wine glass down on the table, the motion making a loud clunk. Cauldron, I was playing a dangerous game.

“Do I need to spell it out? We share so many common goals, Feyre. Don’t pretend you don’t want the High Lords brought to their knees. I saw the way you looked at the likes of Tamlin and Beron. You’d rather die than scrape before them, wouldn’t you?” Her voice was so soft, so persuasive, that I wondered if she had spelled it. “You claim you have no desire to be seen as weak. Prove it to me. The High Lords are already pinned beneath my thumb. The next step is to make it known to everyone else who their ruler is. At the end of these forty-nine years, when Tamlin’s spirit has been broken, I will keep you at my side when everyone else falls and grovels.”

I sat in silence for a moment, pretending to contemplate when I already knew what my answer had to be.

She laughed. “Don’t pretend you have to consider it, Feyre. Would you prefer me to threaten your life and force you to obey?”

I was going to die beneath this mountain. I hated this feeling. After I had left Tamlin, I had worked so hard, for so long, to ensure that I was not a pawn. I told myself I would never be one again. And yet, here I was. To succumb to it might kill me one day.

For a moment, I debated trying to bargain for more. For Rhys’s protection – for my court’s protection. But Rhys could certainly take care of himself, and it would be a risk anyway. With all of his dinners and conversations with her, he certainly had made bargains of his own. The court would also be safe for now – Velaris was hidden, and if she murdered everyone else Under the Mountain there would be none left to worship her.

“We have an agreement,” I said softly, raising my wine glass to hers in a toast. She did the same, a faint smile playing on her lips. I brought the glass to my lips and drank deeply for the first time since sitting down. At least there wasn’t a curse attached this time.

“There’s no point in us wasting time over chit-chat, then. I’ll tell you what first needs to be done.”

 “Word has gotten out to the common faeries about this little exchange of power, and some of them are planning some foolish uprising or another. Offenders will need to be imprisoned. I’ve arranged for extra space in the tunnels and extra caverns to be made into cells.”

There were already at least a hundred cells carved out in the deepest chambers of the mountain, left over from the War four and a half centuries ago.

“How many prisoners are you planning on having…My Queen?” I tacked on the honorific at the end.

She shrugged. “There are entire villages that need to be dealt with. You’ll see. I want you at the forefront with some of mine. I’ll be dividing the courts between you and several of my lieutenants. By the end of the week, I want you up in the courts dealing with the masses appropriately.”  

Horror squirmed in my stomach as I realized what she was planning. Imprisoning the royals, the key players in her twisted little game, that made sense. But she truly was planning a full-scale takeover.

I couldn’t leave my Court defenseless as I had planned. “The honor is mine, my Queen. But surely you don’t plan on extending your forces all the way north?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Well, for one thing, the war bands of Illyria are hardly a threat right now. They’re indeed a fearsome power, but only if united by Rhysand. Otherwise, they’ll never unite under one front, they prefer to clash with one another. If you leave them be, they’ll probably take out some of their own weak members. As for the cities…well, you’ve visited Hewn City. They’ll take a liking to your reign anyway.”

She wrinkled her nose at me. “You speak so ineloquently. But Rhysand did say the same thing, albeit with a much finer tongue.” She mused

“Then, you know I speak the truth. You must expect that I have loyalty to my birth court.” I pointed out as breezily as possible, ignoring the insult borne of my human upbringing.

"And what of the towns and villages that have no nobles or war bands to fight amongst themselves?"

"The towns are remote and defenseless. Any rebellion could be quelled when the need arose. Why extend your troops so far North and raze what isn't even a threat?"

Amarantha considered it. “I’ll allow it, for now. As a favor to Rhysand. But I will be sending a squadron of soldiers to be permanently stationed there.”

I clenched the side of the chair to avoid slumping over in relief. 

“Then, your will is mine.” I dipped my head. 

Tag List: 

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Comment or send an ask if you want to be tagged! As always, thank you for reading.

[s0ym1lk]

So I finally finished playing Burial at Sea parts 1 and 2, wrapping up my replay of Infinite. The last time I played these games, I had a really visceral dislike of the ending to Infinite, and didn’t even finish part 2 of BaS for the same reasons. Having played them again, I am really satisfied with how the games came together, and how strongly it reinforced its themes in BaS. 

Bioshock has always been about choice, consequence, and the relationship between people. More specifically it tackles choice in relation to your past, and whether you can (or should) try to make up for your mistakes. 

To me, Infinite was a very interesting experiment in telling a story, because I think without serious analysis, the player is led to the wrong conclusion. The way I read it, Infinite is making a case specifically for breaking the cycle of violence by....showing how difficult it is to break the cycle of violence.

Booker and Comstock represent two polar opposite reactions to making mistakes. Comstock discards his past completely, and with it, he discards valuable lessons in empathy and compassion. He becomes a man obsessed with righteousness, purity, and ruthlessness. Booker stews in his past and never moves past it. He refuses to forgive himself for the mistakes that he made, and that self-flagellation keeps him in a cycle of shame and wrong-doing. However, this isn’t just a case study of Booker/Comstock. Infinite raises the stakes by using Elizabeth to illustrate to us that _anyone _can fall victim to the cycle of bloodshed. The game is all about trauma, forgiveness, and violence - from Booker empathizing with how Slate is sent to war and then discarded like an old toy, to Fitzroy trying to find belonging with Comstock’s family, only to be framed for murder and radicalized into a rebellion leader, to Elizabeth finding compassion for the mother that abused her who was herself abused by Comstock, to Songbird - Elizabeth’s captor and only friend, itself a captive with a friend only in Elizabeth. The point is that every single one of these people are trapped in a cycle of violence that traumatizes them, which in turn forces them to traumatize others, perpetuating the cycle. 

The end of the game brings that big structural-level cycle back into the personal relationship between Elizabeth and Booker when it reveals that Booker and Comstock are the same person. Booker is responsible for Elizabeth's life, and she now has to decide what's more important to her - the tentative relationship she's built with Booker thus far or getting revenge for what was done to her as a child. This is the turning point for Elizabeth - and therefore where the game puts the period on its thesis. When Elizabeth chooses to kill Booker, she feeds into that cycle of violence and.... essentially becomes Comstock. She has chosen violence for the ‘greater good’. She has declared that there are some things you can never come back from, some things that you deserve to die for. And she does so discarding many of the lessons about compassion, personal connection, and forgiveness that she learned along the way. (It’s also very important to note that she makes her decision because she ‘knows how the story ends’. Upon replay, I think the game has some very interesting things to say about whether this statement is true. Comstock also knew how the story ended, which drove his own villainy. In essence, the game is saying that this type of ruthless realism is just pessimism in disguise, and that it WILL turn a person into a monster. It's only when Elizabeth loses her powers in BaS, when she becomes a regular person with no concept of the future again, that's she able to see the power of optimism and find some redemption. ) 

I believe the complexity of that message (and the admittedly confusing packaging it came in)  was lost on a lot of players, which is why in my opinion Burial at Sea doubles down so intensely on the themes. Part 1 is literally about Elizabeth becoming the villain. They make that very clear by redeeming Booker/Comstock through his kindness towards Sally, and villainizing Elizabeth via use of Sally as a tool to get to Comstock. Then, at the beginning of part 2, Elizabeth is exactly where Booker was at the beginning of Infinite - with the blood of a child on her hands, wondering what chance she has at redeeming herself. That search for redemption morphs into an understanding of the importance of human connection. Ultimately, despite it being a lost cause, it matters that Elizabeth tries, over and over again, to save Sally. It matters that Elizabeth misses Booker, that Elizabeth helps the Big Daddy, that Elizabeth saved Songbird when she was a child. Those small human connections are the true heart of Bioshock, and the thing that Elizabeth lost at the end of Infinite when she sacrificed Booker. So many little things point to this central message - the ‘lion with a thorn in its paw’ metaphor, the stories of the big daddies and songbird, the ‘imprinting is not found in genetic code’ line, the guitar/singing scene in Infinite, and - my personal favorite part of Infinite - the scene of Booker trying to get Anna back as a baby before she’s taken through the tear. 

There’s definitely something to be said there about the foolishness of playing God. All of Bioshock’s villains have sought to shape the world to its best (in their varying opinions) form. Elizabeth does the same. Upon seeing that a bad choice can be made, she chooses to take the choice away, failing to realize that there’s no way you can do that for every bad thing that will ever happen in life. Though the game doesn’t show you the consequences of Elizabeth’s choice (note however that Burial at Sea very much does), it implies by everything that comes before that killing Booker will only perpetuate the cycle of bloodshed. The 'best' choice, thematically, should have been for Elizabeth to forgive Booker for being human and making mistakes. But the game wants us as players to understand how difficult a choice that is to make - so difficult that Elizabeth herself couldn’t even make it. 

Ultimately, Elizabeth is redeemed in death, because she chose to fight for the lost cause of saving Sally, even though she knew how it would end. Even if Elizabeth had once sacrificed Sally trying to get to Booker/Comstock, it still mattered that Elizabeth tried to save her - just as it mattered that Booker tried to stop Comstock from taking Anna pre-Infinite. We, as human beings, are more than our pasts, because every moment we can make the choice to change. When we use our pasts to help us navigate the future, when we allow the past to give us empathy for other people and for ourselves, rather than wallowing in it or forgetting it completely - that’s how we can make choices that matter. 

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer: Bondarev

We were so focused on our sword training that Johann and I didn’t notice that Mingfei, Nono and Crow were watching from a distance.

Mingfei and Nono had decided that there was enough information here to spend several nights studying and there was no point in making the long drive back to the shrine.

“As for me,” Crow said, “I have to go back to work!”

“You’re leaving us?” I asked with some worry.

“Oh yes, I have to make my daring escape from the S-grade rebels.” He threw one arm over his eyes. “I barely made it out alive!”

A quiet giggle came from my back.

Crow peeked out from under his arm. “Ah... our sleeping beauty has awakened.”

He walked over to stand next to me peering at Ru’Yi who was looking over my shoulder at him. 

“Do you mind if I give her a kiss goodbye?” He asked.

“Sure thing, Prince Charming.” I rolled my eyes.

He planted a kiss on Ru’Yi’s soft hair. “I left some stuff here for her. As well as some food for you. Good food, not the instant noodles and beer I left for the others.”

Mingfei’s jaw dropped. “What are we, chopped liver?”

“Your bodies can take it! Carli has to eat healthy for the baby to grow strong!” Crow roared in response.

Then he turned and grinned at me fondly, becoming that profound and majestic persona, Saeki Ryuuji. “I am a street gangster, and so is my father. He could beat up just about anyone, but when I was a boy, my father told me that I should know how to protect girls, because girls will be mothers in the future. They can have children, and children can bring hope! If the girl is dead and the man is alive, how can he forgive himself?”

We pored over the esoteric manuscripts. Herzog had his own shorthand, abbreviations, and things only he understood. It wasn’t a code, but his lingo and jargon. It made it near impossible to figure out his reasoning.

Nono was using her profiling ability. A lot of these works weren’t complete, not because of his short hand, but because they were referencing other materials not in this collection.

It didn’t help that the man was so disgusting. He conducted hundreds of human experiments. Almost all the disappearances of people in Japan in the past 20 years could likely be traced back to him. For Nono, searching for valuable clues in this man’s thinking was like searching for a wedding ring in a pile of dog vomit.

“Herzog wasn’t basing his work on known dragon research. He’s making leaps in conclusions that shouldn’t be possible given how we understand dragons. Sometimes, he said things that are completely contradictory and yet in hindsight were absolutely right.”

“For example, he knew that the sacred skeleton was not actually a bone but a parasite.” Mingfei said. “Literally no one was saying this, not even among the Hydras, so how did he know?”

“The only way he would know is if he had direct access to someone with first hand knowledge.” I said, sitting with a sleeping baby in my arms. I’d taken the opportunity for her nightly feeding while I listened to them work.

Mingfei looked at me and so did Nono.

I didn’t tell them but I’d actually done something very similar to Herzog’s accomplishments during Code: Leviathan.

EVA had needed assistance in translating reams of dragon text in a short amount of time, but about 25% of that dragon text was completely new to the study. It would take months to decipher it all and our ability to investigate a nearby dragon temple depended on understanding these parchments.

Enter my ethereal twin.

Through my dragon’s scale, I had access to an entirely separate reality, a reality where the White King never rebelled and humans still were ruled by dragons. With her first hand knowledge, I was able to make leaps in interpretations that should not have been possible.

But the system wasn’t perfect. Once my soul twin realized that we were going to kill Leviathan, she hid information from me. It wasn’t until we reached the central chamber of the temple that we found out that we weren’t at Leviathan’s nest at all, but a temple devoted to her human lover, the Raj Yamir.

“What first hand knowledge? Dragons have been dead for ages. The Secret Society is the one with the oldest records...” Nono rubbed her chin.

I shrugged. “Let’s not dismiss a possible solution just because its so obvious. Not only did he know it was a parasite, he had prepared a host for it months in advance. He knew exactly what he was doing ”

That host was a child made from my genetic materials -- materials that he had bought for 500 million dollars.

“He knew exactly what he was doing.” I said, in a softer voice, remembering how helpless I was to stop him.

“Uh. By the way!” Mingfei said loudly. “Do you think Crow has a thing for you?”

I lifted my head, dazed. “Huh?”

“Yeah speaking of obvious...” Nono smirked at me. “I think you should go for it.”

“Oh please.” I rolled my eyes. “He’s very kind and... what he said was nice, but you could tell he was putting on an act.”

“Was making all these dishes for you an act? What about all the baby supplies?” Nono pointed out.

I looked over at it. “He said he’s always wanted kids... ”

I turned my eyes to Johann who was tucked away in a sleeping bag. “I’m already married.”

“He just doesn’t know it.” Nono pursed her lips.

I chewed my lip. “I can’t do that. I swore to death... not to memory.”

Nono tilted her head and cracked open a beer. “Well, I’m done for tonight.”

“Yeah... let’s take a break.” Mingfei said, looking at me with sad eyes.

The next day we were back to it again, this time searching for his sources. One name kept coming up again and again.

Bondarev. 

“Herzog himself said that his original research was just going to help him to create a super army which... as far as villains go is not a very creative plot.” Mingfei commented. “He only started talking about the Sacred Skeleton after Bondarev came into the picture.”

By that evening, we had opened and closed at least a hundred books, taking pictures and searching for any references to Bondarev we could find.

We kept asking ourselves: Where did Bondarev get his knowledge? He claimed to be a Romanov, a family of Tsar’s that according to Secret Society information, were hybrids.

“But if Bondarev had inherited this knowledge from his ancestors, why did they go west to fight Hitler and not push into Japan to conquer them and get the most valuable treasure?” Nono said. “Japan was not really an opponent to them later either. But this guy is leading him step by step to becoming the White King on his own!”

“Herzog copied Bonderev’s route to becoming the White King pretty much verbatim.” Mingfei added.

According to Herzog’s notes, he killed Bondarev in a sneak attack, but it seemed too easy. Such a mysterious man was shot by Herzog through a cabin wall with a machine gun so that he died. “Herzog himself also said in the diary, ‘I don’t know if it is really Bondarev, I’ve killed.’”

The face of the deceased was Japanese, not Russian. Herzog guessed that it was Bondarev based on his body and figured Bonderev had performed some sort of plastic surgery to blend in and become part of the Hydra.”

We stared at each other a moment. After two nights, we had seemed to have gotten no closer to any answers. Nono, fed up, grabbed one of the books and pitched it across the room.

Crow, who had just walked in, caught it right in the face. “Wow! Good evening!” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Did I come at a bad time?”

“Do you see my face?” Nono snarled, crossing her arms.

“Aaah! So scary! I come bearing gifts!” He held up a bag as if to shield himself. “To make up for my oversight earlier. Fresh gift fruits from the Academy!”

We looked at the bag like it was a bomb. And it could have been given that the Gear Department wasn’t above hiding explosive devices in food.

“Ahahah! It’s fine! I tested it myself on the way here! The finest in Japan. The melon alone is about ten grand!”

Ru’Yi squealed when she saw Crow and he picked her up and squeezed her. “You’re too young for solid food princess!” He planted a loud raspberry into her cheek.

Ru’Yi reached out and grabbed his nose, cackling with a wide smile.

With his nose pinched, he said, “Moutong-sama, if you could please take a look at the video on my phone here. They’ve asked me to broadcast it all over Tokyo.”

He handed over the phone then turned to continue to play with Ru’Yi.

On the screen was a burly middle-aged man with a square face and a determined expression. 

“Motong, if you can see this video, please be sure to watch it all the way through. This is a message from your family. You are in great danger. The people you are with are potentially violent and have committed serious crimes. Your family misses your safety very much and hope you will know how to return.”

“This Mingfei business has nothing to do with you. You are innocent. You have been deceived. No matter where you are now, as long as you fight to come home, call the following number and we have the absolute ability to ensure your safety....”

Nono tossed the phone back to Crow. “What does he consider me? A little girl who fell down a well?” She said, her tone cold.

Crow and Mingfei exchanged glances.

“So... he really is your father?” Crow asked carefully. “You don’t have a good relationship with him?”

“Can you see my face right now?” Nono circled her face with one finger.

When Crow tried to ask another question, Mingfei made a throat cutting gesture.

“Well if you don’t care, I’ll let it broadcast then.” He shrugged, pocketing the phone.

“This is... getting too heavy... Why don’t we go out to eat?” Mingfei humbly suggested. “I know a place near here. A 24-hour Ramen shop. We can decompress there.”

[noddytheornithopod]

SU or P&F for the media hyperfixation ask! Choose your favorite questions. I can’t decide which to pick.

Okay, will answer whatever I feel like (or rather, what’s easy enough, if anyone wants to challenge me then be more direct :P).

Steven Universe:

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation? Like many, I found out about SU because of tumblr and everyone getting excited over Jailbreak when that aired. I didn’t bother watching the show for a while, but the fact I kept hearing so many good things about it ended up with me having to consider it eventually. I finally gave it a shot about six months or so later, and I instantly fell in love with it.

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it? For me, I think really the core of what draws me to SU is that I don’t think I’ve come across any story this emotionally intelligent? Like, people will always talk about complex characters and moral ambiguity, but SU is probably the story I’ve seen do it best. The writers have outright said they don’t categorise characters into good or evil and just focus on who they are. This ends up with a cast where pretty much even the most minor characters can have nuances and feel fleshed out, and the characters all end up with so many interesting relationships. I’d also say the fact that even with this complexity, the fact that the show always aims for a positive outcome is especially commendable. I like angsty and dark stuff myself, but when you make sure it stays hopeful and try to send positive messages through it, it ends up making something really touching.

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you? Nothing too strong, but I do find myself as an Autistic person with strong connections and relatability to characters like Peridot, Pearl and Onion. I also think Steven is neurodivergent in some way, though I’m not specific on what. I’m also of the opinion that gems are technically asexual because their species has no reason to have sexual attraction. They clearly have romantic relationships as seen… all the time, but in terms of sexual orientation there’s no reason for it to be in their species because that’s now how they produce. They can still have sex and enjoy it (as implied with characters like Rose), but they don’t feel attracted to others in that way because there’s no need to. I list it here mainly because I think it’s important to remember that Gems are still aliens and probably don’t fit into human behaviours as neatly as some may assume? I mean, it’s pretty much canon that they’re technically agender nonbinary women, because despite gems not having a concept of gender as a species, they’re fine with being perceived as women even if they don’t fit human gender binaries (Rebecca Sugar even said it’s to reflect on her experience as a nonbinary woman, someone who’s okay with being perceived as a woman but doesn’t actually fit the gender binary).

🍀 do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation? I’m not a kinner by any means, but I definitely have comfort characters. Peridot and Connie are probably my main ones, I just strongly empathise and connect with those kinds of characters (young passionate nerds :v). I think for Peridot it’s also the anxiety and just attitude and quirkiness, and for Connie it’s her background (something that really helped me) and how relationships work for her.

Phineas and Ferb (forgive me if I’m rusty here, PnF hasn’t been in the central special interest spot for a while so I’ll have to work with what I can):

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation? I believe I first spotted Phineas and Ferb on an advertisement in a kids magazine they sell in Australia called DMAG when I was 11. It stood out to me, but not enough for me to independently investigate (I mean I didn’t have Disney Channel so I couldn’t just watch it whenever I wanted). It then showed up on free to air TV eventually, and even then I found it much more interesting than all the other shows on TV.

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it? I guess if I had to summarise it, it would boil down to what the show kind of promotes: creativity. Phineas and Ferb is a really creative show, and that was part of its original appeal to me, I had never seen anything so intelligent or complex from a kids show at that time. Going even deeper, I just really like the characters. I think they’re really interesting is that at first they might seem one dimensional or like stereotypes, but there’s often more going on, with the show often outright deconstructing the roles the characters have boxed themselves into. Couple that with the fact that even in a comedy focused show nobody is mean each other for the sake of it, and you have a really loveable cast.

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you? Many headcanons. For important stuff, you’ll most likely see me on the ship of the Autistic Phineas as well as OCD Candace headcanons, but I also think Autistic headcanons can work for all the Flynn-Fletcher kids, Baljeet and maybe even Doofenshmirtz (who I also think fits ADHD, and honestly given how similar ADHD and Autism are comorbid I see how that neurotype can apply to characters like Phineas too). I also have thoughts on all the characters’ sexualities, but one I find myself gravitating towards a lot is asexual or demisexual demiromantic Phineas, given that falling for people doesn’t seem very easy to him? I also think Isabella is some flavour of demi because it’s clearly hard for her to have feelings for someone not Phineas. Also, count me in on the trans Doofenshmirtz train.

🍀 do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation? Phineas is actually one comfort character, believe it or not. I’m not really like him, but he’s sort of the kind of person I aspired to be? And I think it’s also the fact that despite his optimism and genius that he still has human flaws and struggles interacting with certain people (aka fodder for Autistic headcanon lol). I find myself relating to that flawed side even if most people either don’t focus on it or just treat it for lolz. I also find Isabella is one too? I guess as I grew up I ended up realising I was more emotional and sentimental than I thought I was, so I kind of really empathised with her and her struggles with her crush on Phineas. Depending on my mood, Baljeet, Candace and even Stacy can also be comfort characters with their unique issues they face (especially Baljeet, who is probably who I’m most like lol).

[storywriting]

Anemone, An Enemy, Anemone, An Enemy Anemone, Anne, Nemo, and Another Me

[ So.......Anemone huh? Here’s some loose thoughts after a first viewing, including my takes of H1-Evo #1 and how my opinion has evolved now that this film is in the mix. I’ve seen it through with the JP audio exactly one time and I do wonder if my opinion on this film will change at all on a second viewing or when I get around to the dub. It’s less about plot details and more about review  and general discussion type stuff, doesn’t delve heavy into theorizing just yet. That’s a trip for a different post. Cut because long as fuck even though literally nobody asked. ]

Hi Evolution #1, starring our main man Renton “Only a Miniscule Few Braincells Above Himbo” Thurston, hit me in weird ways which I think is true for most everybody I’ve seen talking about it. Part of my problem with it honestly was that I came into things with the misconception that Hi-Evolution would be a reboot of sorts. A somewhat faithful retelling of the original story with new insight into things we didn’t get to see much of. I don’t know why this is the impression I had other than screencaps and stuff, but if you only watch the first Hi Evo movie you definitely could continue to think that once it’s over. When I thought it would be an encapsulation of the original series, I had intended to use the film to introduce @himbologythestudyofhimbo to the story. She has long known it to be one one of my most favorite anime franchises and I thought a film would be a good way to gauge whether she might find it interesting enough to hit 50 episodes with me.

Ha. Haha. That didn’t work.

I hadn’t seen Hi-Evo when I was like “hey wanna watch this?” so that’s my own fault. I had seen screenshots and thought it looked gorgeous, but that was about it. I was imagining something akin to the Berserk trilogy of movies, mostly faithful to the original story with some new tidbits of information thrown in for old fans.

And again, you could be forgiven for seeing the first Hi-Evo movie and still thinking that’s what you’re in for. It is mostly compliant to the original canon and the parts that aren’t compliant are pretty wishy washy about saying so. Unfortunately what I found out really quickly is that that it’s not at all a good entry point for new fans, and that really disappointed me. I’ve been hoping for years for something to get more young blood in this fandom, BUT ANYWAY--

The whole play forward/play back thing really hinders the flow of the film, as much as I understand the point of it, especially with the Anemone film for more context. Skipping around the timeline harms new viewers in particular. It’s challenging to understand the timeline and flow of events because everything is presented out of order and without context. Sure, the first Hi-Evolution covers a ton of major story beats surrounding Renton’s personal development, but the non-chronological presentation coupled with the utter lack of lead up to key moments from the original series robs this movie of carrying any emotional weight. Who is Renton? What’s the deal with him and wheelchair girl? Are these people his parents or not? Why do we care about this Eureka girl who has been on screen in Renton’s presence for a cumulative 30 seconds. Wait a minute what’s this ship? Where did he leave from again? I thought he had a home and parents? Who are these people and why do I care?

Put bluntly this movie sucks if you can’t answer these questions going in, and even if you can you may feel a bit cheated by it.  As much as I feel the need to talk about how the film is inaccessible for new fans, these films clearly are not for new fans. They function to remind you of events of the original story and then play off of those events with the new content. Even as an established fan, Hi-Evo #1 feels very watered down on its own, but it’s not on its own anymore is it? So let’s finally talk about Anemone.

What becomes clear about these movies is that they are not divided by chronology, but by character. The first movie was about Renton which is why we saw so so little of everybody else even when that robbed the story of needed context and worked to the story’s detriment.  I’m telling myself the reason titular character Eureka was not on screen demonstrating her relationship to the world and to Renton despite it most likely being a central element is because they shoved her scenes into Hi-Evolution 3: Eureka, which will not be released for another year or so. 

I do feel a bit more forgiving toward these movies now that I understand the format they’re going for, but I think most of my previous criticisms still stand despite that.  The character focused presentation may be a deliberate creative decision, but that doesn’t make it an ideal storytelling mechanism. THAT SAID, while a character centric format really harms well developed characters like Renton, it does loads and loads of good for a character like Anemone whose screen time was always hindered by her role as accessory to Renton and Eureka’s story. We don’t get that constant stream of unfiltered perspective from her or really any secondary character, so it’s very interesting to see the world filtered purely through her eyes. I honestly found myself significantly more interested in all the new Anemone content than I ever could have been over watered-down, abbreviated rehashing of Renton’s character arc. I’m much more excited for the last film than I was with just the context of the first Hi-Evolution movie.

Speaking of which, very early on in the Anemone film, the viewer is clued into the fact that this is most certainly AU content, something that was less clear about the first movie. Eureka Seven as a franchise has really been in the 24/7 AU zone for like 10 years, which I think is cool but I also find a little disappointing. I like AU content well enough, but I also think they had a rich world already in the original series and I feel like there are a few more rich veins to explore further in the original world without necessarily needing to wrap it up in a convoluted alternate universe. Not to say I’m against like the AU stuff or anything, I’m okay with it existing, I just want a little more variety in the stuff that’s coming out. Keep up with the AU stuff if you guys wanna but I wouldn’t say no to more backstory and lore, you know?  If they’re gonna pander to old fans instead of attracting new ones, they may as well hit me where it hurts. But I digress. Hi Evolution#2: Anemone’s AUness is pretty central to the story it wants to tell, so it has my full attention there.

Alternate universe characterization is something I’ve had both complaints and praise for in the past, and I’m happy to say that in the case of Anemone I have mostly praise. It’s nice to get a glimpse of an Anemone who isn’t like....as unhinged as her original incarnation. She’s well adjusted comparably, which makes her a decently reliable narrator. While she loses some of the edge that people are drawn to about her, she maintains most of the underlying personality traits you would expect of even the earliest incarnation of Anemone. This is an Anemone who had the opportunity to be socialized. You can relate to her and appreciate her feelings more easily than the Anemone viewers are most familiar with. This is an Anemone with hardships, but she hasn’t been pushed to the same extremes as her PoP counterpart. Likely due to the pretty direct narration and background, there’s also a lot more substance to her than PFoR Anemone in my opinion. It’s not really a chore to like her and take interest in her. She feels very natural in most instances. She’s a real breath of fresh air for fans who love Anemone and wanted to see her living with a healthier mindset and some better outcomes. Good on you, Anemone. Four for you, Anemone.

Most of the other characters--Dominic, the scientists, background people, Anemone’s father, new crew members, etc--are all about what you’d expect from either their previous incarnations or the archetypes they’re filling. None of the new characters or secondary characters are particularly developed, but I don’t really consider that a huge fault of it. I wouldn’t expect a 2 hour movie to meander the way a 50 episode anime can, but in times like this when I am with very few developed characters, I am forcefully reminded of what an asset and a strength the original’s depth and breadth of character writing is.

And then there’s Eureka. I expect her to be polarizing in the reviews, assuming at least some people didn’t straight up hate her in it. Everybody may have just hated it, idk.

As I said earlier alternate universe characterization is something I’ve had both complaints and praise for in the past, often both at the same time. What often comes about is characterization that I don’t necessarily like, but because the character has lived a different life I can’t really say that characterization is wrong. I feel that pull in this film quite a bit. Wrathful Eureka is boring to me. Conceptually, it just is. But does that make it bad?

Man, idk, I guess not. I didn’t like it, but I’ll defend it to a degree. In the original story Eureka was born into violence and conditioned to perpetuate violence early in life. The original Eureka Seven has a dense messaging about propaganda and information and the ways in which society conditions people of all kinds.  Eureka is a docile character in the original but more and more as we learn about her, we realize that this tendency toward gentleness isn’t just a cutesy character trait of hers. It’s a choice that she’s making on a daily basis, even when more forceful options would be easier or make more sense to her. It’s a choice that has come about from a collection of experiences. Eureka becomes pacifistic because she develops her own ideals about the world. She comes to conclusions about what things make her a good or bad person and she makes the decision to be the person she wants to be. There’s weight to it. That’s something that always really drawn me to her as a character. It’s very easy to blow up in the face of something horrible. It’s much harder to keep a cool head and exercise mercy. I just don’t find the Eureka of this world all that compelling.

That said, I don’t necessarily think this read of her is wrong or even impossible. In fact, I think if this read had 50 episodes of development and justification behind it, I might even come to appreciate it. Certainly if anything could drive her to this, it would be losing Renton, so it’s not exactly out of left field for the character given the circumstances she’s in. I feel somewhat similarly about PFoR Eureka. Only somewhat. Eureka in general is a character who would probably be much more in touch with her anger if she had been raised any other way than she was. Even in the original series Eureka has a passive aggressive streak. She’s probably very fortunate that more productive methods of expressing her feelings were accessible to her before any natural tendency toward aggression was. Angrier more volatile reads of Eureka aren’t wrong or even uninteresting necessarily, but to me a lot of her charm is wrapped up in the reasons she works so hard not to be that type of character.

I also think that subversion and role reversal can be an interesting in AU stuff, so I don’t really fault them for using it here. In contrast to our typical unhinged Anemone, Eureka gets to be the one teetering on the edge so that Anemone can shine and show a little more humanity than she typically gets to. I think that’s honestly okay. I want to see Anemone have her day to be the hero. That’s something I’m okay with sacrificing a little of my preferred characterization for. I see a lot of value in a portrayal that allowed Eureka and Anemone to bond and more directly learn together. I think a lot of fans, myself included, wonder about a reality where Eureka and Anemone could have been sources of support for one another rather than pitted against one another.

That isn’t to say that I’m automatically okay with chopping up the writing in arbitrary ways, though. The thing about the reversals and subversions in Hi-Evo #2 is that they’re consistent. Compare to something like Pocketful of Rainbows and you’ll see what I mean. In that movie Renton, for some unclear reason, is the one who can understand Nirvash even though that writing decision doesn’t really serve the story in any meaningful way because Eureka is still the one who isn’t human and still is wanted by the military for....being whatever unclear thing she is in that film. Renton is no longer childish and is in fact the patient one in the story while Eureka is the one with a stubborn attitude and defined temper. Renton is made out to be more of a coward so that he has something to grow from, except for all the many many times he isn’t cowardly pretty much immediately, and the only flimsy defense of this concept that is that he was afraid of adults with guns when he was a literal child.  Meanwhile, Eureka in this film is a much more brash character than we’re used to. Unlike Original Eureka, this one doesn’t want to be led or take orders anymore. She’s a loose canon who takes matters into her own hands except for all the times she cries for Renton to save her both before and after she’s teetering on her own Independence Event Horizon. There are a lot of creative decisions in that film that just plain don’t make sense to me because the writing doesn’t commit to them at all and tends to flounder around between them. I could barely make it through that film because I felt like it was contradicting itself every 5 minutes. It feels less like a new exploration of old characters and more like a bunch of ideas the writing team couldn’t agree on and slapped together anyway. If it wasn’t unclear, I don’t like Pocketful of Rainbows very much.

By contrast, any subversions or reversals in Hi-Evolution 2 fell earned enough. The writing choices are for the most part played straight and well justified. The choices are interesting. Unlike literally anything about the lore of Pocketful of Rainbows, I want to know more about Hi-Evolution. I want to understand what Anemone’s mission is and about Silver Box. I want to know why Dewey is so different from the Dewey I know. As much as I complained about Eureka’s characterization, the portrayal is decently justified by the writing. Eureka believes she killed Renton and seems to be privy to other realities where she turned out much happier. She has good enough reasons to be bitter in this iteration.  

This film has honestly made me way more forgiving of Hi-Evo #1 and given me a lot of reason to take interest in what the last film might be. I’m going to reserve any big overarching judgement until that comes out in 6000 years, but I’m getting the sense that it might be New Order adjacent, in that Renton and Eureka will have to find one another and possibly revisit places that will be nostalgic for fans.I wouldn’t complain if this becomes the flagship verse wherein Eureka and Anemone form a meaningful friendship because they’ve been denied that opportunity in basically every other telling that exists so far.

Also big thank god the last film will be hand drawn because, I hate to be that guy but the GC looked like shitgarbage. I’ve become very forgiving of CG and Mocap recently but I just really disliked it in this film. Animation is a medium I know a lot about, I know compositing is a tricky job, I respect the work put into it, but...oof. I do wonder if that was a stylistic choice or more of an “oh shit the budget is disappearing” choice.

My final word on Eureka Seven Hi Evolution #2 is that....I didn’t hate it. I didn’t love it either but I had a nice enough time watching it. I’m realizing I’m having trouble landing in one particular spot on Hi Evolution #2 because I expect the next film will effect how I judge this one in the same way that this film has affected how I judged the first one. If you’re an Eureka Seven fan who is on the fence about the Hi-Evolution trilogy, I’d say give it a watch. You’ll still love your favorite characters even if they’re a little different than you’d hoped. If you’re still feeling iffy maybe wait a year until the last one comes out and binge them all at once. I suspect the experience might be improved that way. Definitely don’t go in expecting the story you already know, though. Doing that set me up for failure here.

Honorable mention for the fansubber who kept translating 勘 as very rude words describing the penis for some reason? That really enhanced my experience.

[linkspooky]

A meta on Emma maybe?? I like seeing how she was so similar to Mama and how the series never really condemns or dissuades her from her optimism!!

So what makes Emma such a great character is that her ideals are what make the central ideology of the story, and also the world in The Promised Neverland basically exists to challenge Emma’s ideals at every single moment. Emma’s ideals are what bring her in conflict with the entire world, because the world she exists in denies her right to live as anything but cattle, but also her right to see the value in the lives of others, and both things are important to Emma’s character. 

So, while Emma has ideals that sound like they are basically every other shonen protagonists ideals ever “I want to save everyone”, and “I fight for my family and friends” what makes them unique in this case is that Emma’s ideals  are not built off of her being some weirdly pure empathy magnet, who loves their friends unconditionally, never struggles, seems too stupid to actually understand the complexity of the world. etc. etc. the kind of characterization shown in most shonen protagonists to make their personalities accomodate their ideals with little conflict. 

The fact is Emma is as smart as the other two boys, even to the point of being book smart and a cunning strategist, even if not as much as Norman and Ray she can at least always keep up with them. What is unique about Emma is she sees how unrealistic her expectations of the world are, how her ideals aren’t practical with a world at all that is trying to kill them, and Emma wants to stick to her ideals anyway. What is also unique is that she’s the fastest learning of the two, which means that Emma is the one most open to change and most adaptable which is useful not only for going into an outside world they knew nothing about with their sheltered upbringing, but also when it comes to people Emma tends to be the most understanding of others. She’s the one who always tries to encourage others to open up to her, and tries diplomacy first and reasoning rather than just fighting for survival right away. 

Emma is yet another shonen protagonist whose ideals boil down to “never give up” but her determination isn’t just to be really good at fighting, or to be the best like no one ever was. Emma’s determination specifically applies to refusing to stop caring about others in a world that pressures her to only care about her own survival. 

So from the start of the manga we’re introduced to Emma’s primary character trait. That she cares deeply about her family, she always thinks of others. The first chapter of the series, Emma realizes she’s going to die in less than two months and she has no allies other than Norman, and even Norman who is a decent guy has already suggested that just the three of them try to escape and fend for themselves, but Emma never even considered that as an option. What hurt the most to her was not her own life being in danger, but the rest of her family disappearing like Connie did. 

This is the inciting incident in which Emma’s focus and goal for the entire manga becomes the unrealistic goal of letting everyone survive, in a fight where children will be fighting against not only adults, but unknowable horrors of demons and escaping into a world they know little about. 

Every single antagonist in the manga has given up to some extent. Especially the human adults who are for the most part cattle children who became a part of the system. In the themes of the manga the most morally wrong thing to do, is to give up thinking of others and only think of your own survival. Even if the circumstances are stacked against you, even if you have sympathetic reasons for doing so, it’s still a moral wrong to sacrifice others especially innocents like children in order for you to survive as a cog in the system. The first antagonist even declares this, this is the motivation of both Krone and Isabella, they just wanted to fight back with their own survival.

When the trio first confront each other about their escape plan, it’s Emma who sets the ideals for the other two boys to follow. Even if it seems impossible, they should plan with the intention of everybody escaping. 

If the world is against their entire existence and denying their personhood, rather than conform to the world, they need to change the entire world. That’s been the overarching goal of the manga. Notice Emma’s wording, she refuses to bend on her primary ideal of saving everyone but she also thanks Ray for challenging her because it made her realize what she wanted to do. 

Emma isn’t just an idealistic idiot who only understands her own way of thinking and doesn’t accept others, she actively understands the circumstances of others, considers it, challenges it against her own and even then refuses to let go of her ideals. This is what Emma shows time and time again in the manga, because the world exists to challenge Emma’s ideals. The first real test of this is the spy, who Emma wants to save even after learning they betrayed them to mama. 

At that point Emma reconfirms her ideals again, even if they betrayed them at one point if they’re not completely evil at heart they deserve a chance to be won over to their side, and that’s the ending that Emma wants to shoot for. That’s where the key in Emma’s empathy lies, she gives others second chances believing they’re deserving of it. Her insistence is not that things like betrayal and deceipt do not exist in this world, but rather what she’s saying on a more baseline is even after that person betrays them she wants them to live so the best thing to do is try to escape with them still. Emma’s central message is live, and she continually offers others second chances to live. 

Which is why because Emma’s so accepting of others, she’s the one that inspires others to be like her, and aspire to their morals even if they believe it’s impossible to abide by those morals with the harsh reality. The reason all the other characters move and throw themselves into conflict is because they become centered around Emma’s ideals. 

When Ray confronts Emma, we get more of Emma’s idealism reinforced. Just as she said she’s willing to forgive the spy for what they did in the past as long as they never do it in the future.

Emma’s not stupid, she’s also not unaware of the circumstances, she knows that Ray had to make tough sacrifices when building for his escape plan in the future. So looking at the reality of that she decides to forgive him again, giving him a second chance. Emma is aware people lie and deceive but believes in people’s capacity to be better and therefore decides to give others a chanceand trust them again. Of course with the framing of this scene it also shows Emma as the reckless idealist again, its all on the unstable premise that Ray will never try to sacrifice someone again for the sake of the greater good, or one of their family members so escape will be easier. THe recklessness comes from the fact that sometimes when things go off track for Emma she’ll try to force it.

The next major challenge for her ideals (i’m going in broad strokes here forgive me for not recapping the entire manga) is when she has to willingly accept Norman’s sacrifice. Something that neither her nor Ray are in favor of, and try to plot around him because while Ray insists they have to sacrifice some of the siblings to escape he cannot bring himself to let Norman or Emma sacrifice themselves, whereas Emma did not want to accept any sacrifices. 

The big challenge in this moment is Emma accepting that even if she pulls things off perfectly, uses everything in her ability and intelligence, and gets everyone to cooperate people will still die. Knowing that living without losing any of their family members is impossible, will Emma continue to hold her ideals. Is Emma capable of striving or a scenario where they save everyone, if she’s forced to accept sacrifices time and time again, can her heart withstand that and still hope for the best?

We see once again Emma shows her recklessness. The same as the time with Ray, when scenarios fall far off of her ideals, like when Ray turned out to be the spy, when Norman decided to sacrifice himself, Emma gets really mad at the world and the others around her and experiences pure emotion. In a childish way she has a hard time accepting the circumstances that in her front of her and the actions of others when it doesn’t go along perfectly with her ideals, and sometimes she tries to force it by acting emotinoally, yelling, with intidimation, throwing a tantrum, Emma is just eleven after all. She’s not a perfect angel, she’s a person who continually gets frustrated that the world won’t go her way, and is out to get her loved ones. What she has the most trouble with is accepting the actions of others especially when it conflicts with her ideals, and accepting that not everybody can think the way she can. While it’s her refusal to accept sitautions that makes her so determined to change the world in the first place because she is rejecting the whole world, and the social order that dictates she’s cattle with no value, at the same time she’s also sometimes so reckless and gets frustrated the world and people around her won’t adapt to her ideals quick enough when she seees how things can be better. 

That’s her recklessness, when the chips are down she’ll always resort to what she thinks is right before anybody else, the world’s logic, or even her own safety. She nearly threw away the entire escape just to save Norman, even though Emma would never accept sacrificing the other children just so the three of them could escape alone. 

That wasn’t even her intention though, her intention was of course to save Norman, and then save the others, and insist there must have been a way out that they just hadn’t grasped yet and needed to take a risk to try to achieve. Except this time there was not one, and was not one they could think of in time, so Emma just gambled and only got away with it because Norman calmed her back down. For the first arc of the manga Norman is the one who comes up with the means to bring Emma’s ideals back to life, but after that Emma and Ray the pragmatist have to work it out between the two of them.

Without Norman it seems even more impossible, and then once again Emma is reminded of the basic moral dilmena of the manga. The fact that she’s suffering so much and struggling so hard is because she’s trying to make an impossible wish come true for the sake of everybody else around her, but she could just give up and save herself.

The world is trying to rid her of those qualities, and will punish her for every second she has them, because those unrealistic expecations and her recklessness makes survival even harder for her in a world where it was hard to survive to begin with. 

However, in the face of that Emma’s solution is to not give up. She doesn’t give up on other people, she continually gives them a chance even when they threaten her, disappoint her, or betray her, and she also doesn’t give up on the idea that she can save everyone with the mans she has as long as she uses them in the best way possible.

Emma is a high idealist, but not only does the story challenge those ideals again and again, she also puts them into practice. The story doesn’t say that Emma’s optimism is wrong, in fact the themes of the story are made by Emma’s belief, however the story does continually challenge Emma’s optimism. The central theme of the story is this, the world will do everything it can to destroy your childlike innonce, your love for your family, your value for life, your care for others, and that’s why you need to never give up on those things or throw them away willingly because the world will try to pry them away from you regardless. 

Even more cynical characters like Ray are saved by Emma’s idealism, and then become necessary to Emma’s survival. However thy would not have been saved if Emma did not reach out to them in the first place so their cynicism would have been no use. Ray literally wanted to Roast himself alive because he did not see a future where he could escape and grow up and saw that his only escape was to burn himself before he could be eaten as cattle before Emma showed him he still had a future.  

The next challenge to Emma’s ideals is Yugo who is an adult, and an escaped cattle child like them but rather than wanting to cooperate he only cares about his own survival. That time too, even though Emma is taken hostage the first time they meet, Emma insists on negotiating with him and trying to understand him, even though in her typical Emma way she doesn’t mean an entirely peaceful negotiation and is completely willing to use threats to get him to go her way. 

Yugo as somebody who started out as an idealistic kid like Emma who escaped with his whole family believing in William Minerva’s words brings up what I mentioned earlier as the way of challenging Emma’s methodology. Does she really believe in those lofty ideals, or will she give them up when she’s lost too much to continue beliving in them. For example if half of her family died from the escape attempt would she continue with the other half still aiming for trying to protect what she had left or would her heart be too broken? 

And Emma’s answer is pretty clear. Yes, her ideology is to save everyone and that naturally conflicts with the idea of losing others. Once she loses one person she’s failed to save everybody so what then, what becomes her reason for fighting? However, her answer is clear cut, that in every situation you have to keep trying to save everybody you can.

Even when you lose others, you keep going for the people that remain. So once again, Emma is not a precious baby girl with soft feelings, she’ll get angry and frustrated with people when they refuse to go her way the way she sees as best and doesn’t alway sunderstand why people don’t just shoot for the best to begin with. She doesn’t accept all the negativity in the world with a smile, she fights back, she gets angry. She refuses to bend to others and insists they bend to her instead just like her first fight with Ray. 

Not only that but Emma is extremely confrontational and always tries to talk things out as fast as possible even when it’s easier to avoid things, or to just not deal with people. Yugo was unconscious and they could have just killed him in his sleep especially since he was an adult that took her hostage the first time, and she does the much riskier thing of trying to talk it out with him and understand what he’s feeling after he’s made multiple attempts on her life.

Empathy means acknowledging the feelings of others. Emma isn’t saying she would never give up like Yugo did in the past after suffering his loss, what Emma is saying is that she cares about her family so much that she understands how it must feel to lose that precious family. She’s acknowledging his emotions, and the possibility that she could have ended up like him if left all alone and tormented by her regrets. She’s using the feelings they have in common to reach him, but at the same time imagining a situation that is wildly different from her own current one to sympathize with a person who has been hostile to her in the past while acknowledging the danger and that she might just get hurt again. That is radical, true empathy.

Empathy means you have to try to understand the circumstances of others, even when those other people are coming into conflict with you. 

Not only that but she points out that refusing to confront his pain is not only bad for them because they’ll get killed, but bad for him as well because he’ll suffer. There’s an ending where they can both come out of this for the better so that’s the ending Emma wants to shoot for. The way she finally gets through to him is relating her own circumstances. Even though she’s only talking about the loss of one person, not her entire family and having to deal with that loss for years she’s able to tell Yuugo the resolution she reached with her ideals. How she was able to believe she was saving everyone even after having to accept the sacrifice of Norman who was a part of her everyone.

And that too comes from the realization that even if other people died while she lived, they would not want her to die, and instead she has to carry on those hopes and dreams especially for those dead people who wished just as much as she did to reach the human world. She has to respect the wishes of those dead people even over her own emotions of grieving and move forward, because even if she wasn’t able to save them, she was still saved by them and they wouldn’t want somebody who they saved, who they loved and cared for to die.

The next challenge to Emma’s ideals is in the goldy pond arc, where she’s thrown into a situation where she basically has no familiarity around her at all, none of her family, no resources, where she’s basically powerless. These people aren’t her family, they’re complete strangers, and yet she feels their losses just as much. 

Once agani, the scope of Emma’s ideals have to widen as she realizes there are more people to worry about than just her own family, and her own plantation escaping free to the human world. Not only does she have to accept that there are people she wants to save outside of her family and rapidly confront that relaity in front of her, but she also grapples directly with her own powerlessness again. As she went from a position of relative security haing escaped gracefield with relatively bloodless tactics to an all out war. This chapter basically spells it out, there are situations where there’s nothing you can do no matter how hard you try and your only real option is to get through them and try to do better next time. 

This is the arc where Emma transforms from someone who just runs away, or escapes, or survives to realizing she also has to go on the offensive from time to time in order to help others survive. It also is an arc where she vastly expands her definition of family and realizes she wants to save more than just the ones from gracefield house. 

Even when pushed to her edge though and motivated to fight back. Emma still considers that the best ending possible is the one where everyone gets to live. She even tries talking this out with the hunter, even if it’s only a strategy to buy time she offers that chance and tries the tactic of diplomacy. It’s something Emma never forgets no matter how many weird demons or maladjusted adults try to kill her. 

Remember, the key in Emma’s philosophy lies in never giving up and always trying, and making sure not to waste anything you had to achieve the best ending possible. Of course it’s an inhuman standard but they’re twelve year olds with machine guns, they’re already enduring some pretty inhuman situations already.

IN this arc as well Emma’s recklessness also has a consequence. She’s injured when she takes a risk to attack the demon hunting her. They decide to go on an all or nothing shoot him until he stops moving strategy.

And just like this arc insists over and over again there are times when strategies don’t pay out, there are times when you can do nothing, and when the demon finally starts to recover, it stabs straight into Emma first. At that point they weren’t able to make it in time and the demon went for the obvious leader everybody was rallying behind and almost finished her in one blow.

So, as I’ve said so far, Emma’s naivete and ideals exist however she’s not unaware of the world around her. She’s not immune to danger or consequences from her actions either. Emma’s ideals aren’t there because she exists in a little bubble that never gets popped by the world around her. The world is as equally as harsh to Emma as it is everybody else, Emma also has to accept sacrifices, accept losses, accept times when she’s powerless.

What makes Emma’s ideals even stronger is that even after surviving those cirucmstances she doesn’t stop believing in her ideals.

Which is what makes her ideals so simple and powerful, because Emma herself struggles with them and realizes that they’re totally incompatible with the world around her. And her reconciliation with that is, this world is harsh and unfair and I refuse to accept that so I’m going to change it by giving it everything I have. That’s her recklessness, take the most risk and go for the best result.

The net big challenge to their ideals comes when their shelter is destroyed, and they’re hunted this time by humans rather than demons. We see once again, Emma tries to explain herself and attempts diplomacy even when two people are dead at her feet.

And once again she’s met with the fact that not only does the world not care about Emma’s ideas it’s denying even her basic personhood and her right to have those ideas. 

So yes Emma’s dreams are unrealistic but once again she’s dreaming in a world that was never going to allow her to dream in the first place. That’s why it’s so mportant that it’s Emma who makes the world bend to her, rather than bending to the world. Emma doesn’t see her dreams as unrealistic, because for her all dreams or ideas to having a right to life of her own are unrealistic in the first place, and the world will tell her it over and over again.

And once again Emma’s reckless but she doesn’t ignore the consequences to her actions, or the dangers she faces in the world. She faces all of those things and chooses to continue hoping and working for better, and continue valuing life and living which in itself is a direct act of defiance and rebellion against the world that named them cattle. 

The series is called The Promised Neverland and the main character Emma is Childish, Naive, but that is her strongpoint as well as her weakness. As a child she’s unaware of the world around her, separated from it, not a part of that system but because she is not a part of it she’s also able to think in ways no adult that’s associated with the broken system of that world ever could and imagine a new and better world and fight for that. The traits of a child she retains, forgiveness, empathy, believing in the best for yourself and others are traits that you should never give up on even as an adult. 

[hamliet]

On Banana Fish’s Ending

Welcome to the hell that is Banana Fish’s ending. If you like it it’s hell. If you hate it it’s definitely hell. If you’re like me somewhere in the middle but closer to “I don’t like this” it’s hell. We’re all suffering. 

Like any useless writer, I cope by writing out my feelings so here, have this.

I can see why some feel the ending narratively works in some respects, and in some ways I can even agree it can be read in certain ways that make it work. But I also think a happy ending could have been just as narratively excellent, depending on the execution, and my personal opinion is that this would have been a more responsible ending. But no one has to agree, and I understand why people hate the ending and why people defend the ending. 

I’m going to talk about this in a few segments: authorial statements, social messages, and genre. (I’m writing another meta on the narrative themes of the ending because that section got massively long.) For what it’s worth, a story does not exist in a vacuum, and while it’s absolutely valid to interpret and critique a story according to simply the written story, it’s also valid to weigh authorial intent (or to dismiss it), and to evaluate how the story plays into both larger cultural messages and larger literary trends. Any author 100% knows that their story will be interpreted according to all of these. But what follows is mostly my opinion/explaining why I feel as I do. It is not me saying anyone has to feel or interpret it the same way. 

Authorial Statements

I know Yoshida has made... contradictory and, frankly, offensive statements on the ending, in which she’s said things such as that Ash narratively had to die because he was a murderer and people who kill need to pay with their own lives. In general, Yoshida seems to struggle in interviews--like saying she hates Yut-Lung when the story’s moral center character (Sing) literally tells him in his last scene “I can’t hate you” and promises to help him redeem himself. This is hardly unique to her. It’s hard to explain a complex element of story in a few sentences of an answer. Ishida’s first interview after the end of TG had some cringeworthy moments, Rowling seems to make constant missteps (and retcons), etc. Hence, I generally employ “death of the author”--I think the author’s intent matters to the extent their work conveys their intent, but not if their work contradicts what they then say. 

The entirety of Banana Fish contradicts this idea of murderous karma. In fact, the story is at its core about finding a way out of a violent cycle, of finding freedom. Ash dying with a smile on his face literally says that he did not die trapped in a system of karmic violence with no hope of freedom. 

Not to mention Sing is a murderer. Yut-Lung* is a murderer. Blanca is a murderer. They all live, and get hopeful (even happy-ish) endings and implied redemption for Yut-Lung and for Blanca. 

*I know Yut-Lung is name-dropped as having been assassinated in a later manga called Yasha but like, he never actually appears in Yasha and it has nothing to do with his character’s arc in Banana Fish, so I don’t think it’s relevant to anything relating to Yut-Lung’s character as we know him. It’s really just an Easter egg, and since Yut-Lung dying in Yasha is a retcon of the fact that his arc ending with him living in the main story (Banana Fish) I feel completely free to disregard it as not actually canon.*

Additionally, Banana Fish takes empathetic looks at children who are suffering in a world where they are forced into the roles of prostitutes and killers, and what’s the point of empathy if it can’t change anything? Eiji is noted to basically be walking empathy, having a gift for comforting those around him, and the mutual, spiritual, and yes, romantic, love he and Ash share changes things for Ash (and for Eiji). To say that death had to happen narratively is to say that Eiji was, in the words of his critics, useless, which is rather at odds with the central emotional draw of the story: Ash and Eiji’s relationship. It contradicts Eiji’s beautiful letter, the one that Ash smiled as he died because of, because in this letter Eiji assures Ash: “you can change your destiny.”

So anyways, regardless of what Yoshida says, Ash being a murderer is not a narrative justification for the ending because that simply isn’t what the story conveys.

That being said, that perspective--that Ash’s death is karma for killing--is exactly Ash’s perspective. Just when he was about to overcome his flaw of not seeing his value by realizing how much he meant to Eiji, Lao reminds him of Shorter’s death, the one thing he cannot forgive himself for. And so Ash allows himself to die. But the thing is this perspective is wrong and narratively condemned. Eiji’s letter offers a counter to this, but Ash doesn’t take it (which is slightly inexplicable). Plus, as we see in “Garden of Light,” it leaves Eiji unable to completely overcome his flaw (an inability to act/truly live) for seven years, so the story condemns it too. 

And, of course, Ash also did not kill Shorter out of malice--he was forced into it, like he was forced into the life he had to live with Dino. It’s not the deaths of one of the people begging to be spared whom Ash killed for playing a role in killing Shorter, but Shorter’s death itself that brings about fear and mistrust in Lao. To have Ash’s death be a consequence for killing willingly (which he did plenty of), it should have been for one of those nameless people we got a brief shot of, instead of as a consequence for a murder Ash had no choice in and was a victim of almost as much as Shorter was. But that also wouldn’t work because a nameless death doesn’t quite suffice for offing your main character, so. Yeah. Ash’s death is not a narrative consequence for killing others; it’s expressly framed as a tragic and cruel result of his inability to forgive himself for specific acts that were not his fault. 

Social Messages Part 1: LGBT relationships

While Banana Fish was written in the 1980s-90s (kind of a dire time for LGBT+ people in the United States with the AIDS crisis), the trope of “bury your gays” has received rightful criticism since, and the ending can definitely be seen as “bury your gays.” (A criticism that is not helped by what happens to the gay/bi character in Yasha.) In other words, while I think the themes, characters, and frankly issues of Banana Fish are generally timeless, the ending is the only part of the story that I don’t think ages well. As time goes by, it will probably get even more criticism because of current society finally moving towards being better in the portrayal of LGBT+ characters. 

*Because I want to complain and explain why I really don’t consider anything post-GoL canon: the follow-up picture book “New York Sense” doesn’t help the “bury your gays” impression either: Sing and Akira are certainly intended to be parallels to Ash and Eiji as Akira is brought to the US by Ibe and interacts with gangster Sing in “Garden of Light,” and while such framing is very ambiguous/bordering on not being there in GoL the follow-ups absolutely paint a romantic framing to their interactions in GoL. They marry and raise a son, popping up in cameos in Yoshida’s other works. Hence it runs dangerously close to reading as the heterosexual couple introduced in the epilogue got the happy ending while the gay couple we spent 19 volumes with did not. Since Sing is also still heavily involved with the mafia in all of the follow-ups, this again contradicts narrative justifications for Ash’s death as karma. 

While I very much like Akira’s character, her romance with Sing isn’t just uncomfortable because of the above issue--it’s also uncomfortable because she is 13 and he is 23 in GoL (though their relationship doesn’t have to be read as mutually romantic there, and I don’t read it that way) and according to “New York Sense,” they marry when she is 18 which... implies things that seems very, very out of character for Sing, the series’ moral compass, and dramatically contradicts the skeevy adults preying on kids theme. It can also raise some cringe-worthy questions about why it’s framed as okay for the heterosexual couple but negatively (as it should be) for the people--who are primarily men--who assault Ash (and there is noted to have been a woman who assaulted him in “Private Opinion”). Like with Yut-Lung’s death, I just... don’t accept this retconning as canon. It contradicts the themes of Banana Fish as a story so I don’t have to.*

Social Messages Part 2: Abuse Survivors

For people who have been through abuse similar to Ash’s, in which choices over basic things like life, death, and your own body are taken from you, it’s honestly cruel to show someone who has spent their entire life suffering just about to grasp happiness, and then they die. It is fully valid to find this completely distasteful, and I do too.

But for me at least, one aspect that circumvents... some of the distasteful implication that Ash really was broken by things he had no choice in is the fact that Ash triumphed over his abusers first. Yet of course, having him die afterwards still hurts people who read the story and see themselves in a character like Ash, as it can reinforce the idea that abuse defines your life. 

I do wish (though I don’t think there’s a moral necessity) that more authors/creators would acknowledge that, in creating characters whom you in theory want people to relate to, see themselves in, root for, care about, you’re asking people to suffer with them as they suffer and if they die, grieve for them. Given the heaviness of Ash’s arc and the specific nature of his suffering (especially since it was horrifically emphasized in the story’s last arc with Foxx), the fact that Ash didn’t in the end overcome the message that he did not have value is going to be very painful for readers/viewers. (Lao missed his vital organs, so Ash really chose to die instead of getting help, because he chose to believe Blanca over Eiji, which... I’m not sure it quite works.) If you could have narratively had it end happily (and it absolutely could have, and apparently Yoshida’s editor told her not to end it with Ash’s death), there’s room to say that going with the tragic ending is hurtful and bordering on irresponsible. 

Genre

That defeat of Ash’s abusers is the reason I don’t think Banana Fish is quite as tragic as other stories like, say, the first Tokyo Ghoul or Hamlet or Macbeth, though it’s certainly tragic. In those stories, every single characters’ flaws lead to them dying, and it offers a cautionary tale. Banana Fish is more in the vein of say, Romeo and Juliet, or even the movie Titanic (I’m not making a romance comparison, for the record), in that the main characters might die, but their choices and the people they loved and how they loved manage to save a city, in the case of Romeo & Juliet, or to save Rose in the case of Titanic. In Banana Fish, Ash did help Eiji live, even if Eiji would need time to process it after the set-back of Ash’s death. 

In other words, even if I’m unhappy with it and I am, I don’t consider Banana Fish’s ending nihilistic. It wasn’t “life sucks and then you die,” at least not to me. Life sucked, but it also meant something, even beyond Ash’s relationship with Eiji. Ash’s life had value. Through saving Sing in the story’s climactic battle, and then helping Max with that article that would save other child prostitutes, Ash saved younger versions of himself. That’s powerful. Not only that, but Ash found love and hope in his personal life as well with Eiji, Max, Shorter, etc., and through that genuine happiness. Even if he couldn’t fully grasp it, he knew it was there, and he died knowing there was genuine, true love, and therefore beauty, in the world too. And that, for me, comes across as far more hopeful than surface-level, cheaper happier endings. But still, the fact that Ash couldn’t fully experience this beauty and happiness because of the cycle of violence he had no choice about being involved in, plus a questionable character decision, does leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. (That questionable character decision, with the letter not having a full effect, makes tragedy seem a bit forced on Yoshida’s part.)

I want to quote Arthur Miller’s “Tragedy and the Common Man,” and I’ve highlighted parts I think explain how I feel about Banana Fish and Ash’s character (in particular, why I don’t think a tragic ending necessarily sends a nihilistic message, at least not to me):

The Greeks could probe the very heavenly origin of their ways and return to confirm the rightness of laws. And Job could face God in anger, demanding his right and end in submission. But for a moment everything is in suspension, nothing is accepted, and in this sketching and tearing apart of the cosmos, in the very action of so doing, the character gains "size," the tragic stature which is spuriously attached to the royal or the high born in our minds. The commonest of men may take on that stature to the extent of his willingness to throw all he has into the contest, the battle to secure his rightful place in the world.

There is a misconception of tragedy with which I have been struck in review after review, and in many conversations with writers and readers alike. It is the idea that tragedy is of necessity allied to pessimism. Even the dictionary says nothing more about the word than that it means a story with a sad or unhappy ending. This impression is so firmly fixed that I almost hesitate to claim that in truth tragedy implies more optimism in its author than does comedy, and that its final result ought to be the reinforcement of the onlooker's brightest opinions of the human animal.

For, if it is true to say that in essence the tragic hero is intent upon claiming his whole due as a personality, and if this struggle must be total and without reservation, then it automatically demonstrates the indestructible will of man to achieve his humanity.

The possibility of victory must be there in tragedy. Where pathos rules, where pathos is finally derived, a character has fought a battle he could not possibly have won. The pathetic is achieved when the protagonist is, by virtue of his witlessness, his insensitivity, or the very air he gives off, incapable of grappling with a much superior force.

Pathos truly is the mode for the pessimist. But tragedy requires a nicer balance between what is possible and what is impossible. And it is curious, although edifying, that the plays we revere, century after century, are the tragedies. In them, and in them alone, lies the belief-optimistic, if you will, in the perfectibility of man.

This applies to basically all tragedy, of course, but I think some tragedies are more hopeful than others. And I see that struggle in Ash’s, and a hope in Banana Fish that I don’t see in other more nihilistic stories. Ash fought to reclaim the humanity that people tried to deny him, and through Eiji realized his humanity was there all along. 

Anyways, these are my complicated, all-over-the-place feelings on the ending. It’s fine for people to feel strongly either way, but also understand that when discussing such a heavy, fundamentally triggering work, it’s good to be sensitive to where people are coming from and interact with differing opinions with empathy. Many of us relate to characters like Ash, Eiji, and Yut-Lung, and since you don’t know where someone is coming from, let them express their feelings, and be kind. 

I’ll post another meta on thematic impressions on Banana Fish later. But to each their own. Also please note, again, this is really just my opinion. 

[emma-nation]

Memory Fragments - KamilahxMC Fanfiction (Chapter 3 - Ending) *Debriefed Sequel*

Summary: Four years after the events of Debriefed. When a tragedy happens, Kamilah must face a second decision that will change her life forever.

Rating: T

Tag List: @begging-for-kamilah, @lulu-the-cat, @ilovekamilahsayeed

Notes:

- English is not my first language, forgive me for any mistakes.

- Your likes and reviews are always appreciated.

- Sorry for taking so long, I’m not in a writing mood right now and it took me while to finally feel inspired to finish this chapter.

- Since the first part of this story didn’t have any smut scenes, I decided to keep the pattern with this one. But, if you really want it, I may post an alternate version of this chapter that includes a love scene ;)

New York City - June 14, 2022

Amy had been walking around the city for hours. Everything had changed now she was a vampire. It was like living in a whole new world. With her advanced senses she could experience things in a level she wasn’t capable as mortal. Simple actions, like taking a breath or feeling the water against her skin were now felt intensely.

Tired, she sat on a bench at the Central Park. She wasn’t supposed to feel tired, one of the advantages of being a vampire, but she hadn’t adjusted yet. It was like her body was denying its new condition. Not even large amounts of blood were capable of making her satiated. She was thirsty and exhausted all the time, along with a feeling of emptiness that wouldn’t go away.

No Clan leaders were also capable of branding her, after trying with Adrian and Jax, she sought for Priya’s help. Like the others, her brand faded away seconds after being marked on her skin.

“Well, there’s still Lester and The Baron,” the female vampire lamented. “I’d go for The Baron first.”

Amy shook her head trying to forget her words. What kind of monster was she, if her body only accepted The Baron’s clan brand? Was it anything to do with her personality or her insatiable bloodlust? Did it make any sense at all? A tear was about to run through her cheek, when something caught her eye. A small light shining brighter than anything she had even seen. A firefly.

Amy instantly opened a smile, observing that gracious little creature flying through the air.

“You’re so tiny, fragile, but enchanting. Like a… little firefly.”

Kamilah’s words resounded inside her head again. She let out a deep sigh. It was like the Universe was constantly trying to remind her of her Maker.

In the last few days all she could think about was their argument before the accident.Amy could finally understand Kamilah’s point of view. Years before, all she had to do was wait a few days to confront the female vampire about her feelings. Instead, she ran straight to Adrian’s arms, omitting and ignoring everything that happened between them.

“God, I was so selfish,” Amy though.

For Kamilah, the pain of seeing them together became so unbearable she gave up on everything to move away. Even her company, Ahmanet Financial. The name suddenly triggered a flashback. Amy was able to see herself inside Kamilah’s office, right after graduating college.

“Bold decision, huh? But risky, for someone who has just been hired.” “I-I’m sorry… I…” “Differently from many, I like those qualities.” “Uhh… you do?” “Congratulations, Amy. Welcome to Ahmanet Financial.”

“What?!” Amy stood up from the bench and walked, headed to that luxurious building. The company that used to belong to Kamilah. It was still open for the night shift. At the reception, nobody could inform her if any Amy Parker had worked there, many years ago.

“B-But it must be here… somewhere…” Amy sat down at a couch, heavily frustrated. She needed to remember more. Most of all, she needed proof.

Minutes later, a woman came to meet her. For many years, she worked as Kamilah’s secretary.

“I remember you,” she told. “She not only hired you, but offered you an apartment in Manhattan and took you out for dinner.”

“And then?”

“She didn’t come to work in the following day but… when she returned, she only said you had failed and hired someone new. I’m sorry, this is all I have. You know how Ms. Sayeed can be… private about her life.”

Amy spent the rest of the night re-doing the steps the woman informed her. Nothing could trigger her brain to remember the rest of that memory. What could have gone so wrong, to the point Kamilah debriefed her for a third time? When she arrived at her apartment, Lily and Adrian were waiting for her.

“Amy, finally,” Adrian wrapped his arms around her protectively. “God, we were so worried…”

“I’m fine,” since she was Turned, couldn’t feel the same way about him anymore. She felt some kind of repulsion.

“Where were you?” Lily asked. “Adrian had his entire Clan looking for you.”

“I was searching for answers…” Amy’s eyes flared in anger. “Those flashbacks… They’re real! Did you know I was Kamilah’s assistant for one day, six years ago? I didn’t, because she erased it from my memory!”

Lily looked shocked, then she exchanged a glance with Adrian, who fell on the couch running a hand through his hair.

“Of course. That’s why she was so devastated when we started dating. If only she had told me…”

“What are you talking about? You knew that, Adrian? You also fooled me during all these years?!”

He handed her a book, explaining everything about debriefing. The hypnotic magic only worked for mortals and it was broken at the time of their death. What meant, that as a vampire, she’d regain all the debriefed memories.

In the middle of the book, he placed a ticket to San Francisco.

“Go after her, Amy. She’s the only one who can give you all the answers you want. Also, tell her I’m deeply sorry and that I hope there’s still a way to repair what I did.”

————–

San Francisco, California - June 16, 2022

Since her return, Kamilah was locked inside her apartment. She wouldn’t answer any phone calls or reply any emails. She didn’t want to be interrogated or judged. She wasn’t ready to face the consequences of her actions yet.

She knew Amy had survived and was doing well, apparently. Social Networks could be an useful source of information, Kamilah learned. On Amy’s page, there was a ton of messages and pictures from her friends, thankful for the miracle that saved her life. Amy later wrote a short post, thanking all of them. But what really caught Kamilah’s interest was the “engaged” status disappearing from her information. Anyways, it hadn’t been replaced with “single” yet. She rolled her eyes in frustration, refreshing the page one more time.

“Kami?!” Louise appeared behind her in a stealthy, silent move.

“What are you doing here, Louise?” She jumped out of her chair, quickly closing the tab on her browser. “H-How did you enter my apartment?!“

"You gave me an extra key, when you were out of the country. Remember?”

“Well, give it back. Now!”

After handing her the key, Louise crossed her arms and studied Kamilah’s face for a moment.

“Guilt,” she let out a chuckle, making Kamilah roll her eyes again. “You ruined the wedding, didn’t you?”

“Sort of,” Kamilah grunted. She hated how Louise had the ability of knowing her so well. She wondered if that was a result of their long-time friendship or if she truly had mind-reading skills.

“Let me guess. The sexual tension between you and Amy led to an argument, that eventually turned into angst sex, boosted by the bounding effects.”

“No, it started with a heated argument where Amy told me she never wanted to see me again. Then she went out on the streets insanely mad, what led to her getting hit by a bus and dying. So I had to Turn her.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t give me ‘oh’, Louise. I told you it was going to be a disaster. But not even a cynical like me could’ve predicted these catastrophic proportions.”

Louise remained silent, staring at her blankly.

“I mean… you turned your bound, Kamilah.”

“And?”

“Aren’t you aware of the effects of that?”

Effects. Kamilah had no idea about it so far. She was never able to learn much about bounding. Louise explained that, she not only should be the one to brand Amy, but the girl would need to drink some of her blood to complete her Turning process.

“Also, now your blood is running in her veins, bounding is stronger than ever. It’s like you’ve become one… isn’t it beautiful, Kami?!”

“Louise,” Kamilah sighed. “You know most of it was romanticized during the centuries. There’s no proof of what you’re telling me. Otherwise, Amy would be here right now, not in New York, engaged to Adrian.”

Somebody knocked at the door. Kamilah reluctantly got up and answered. She froze, seeing Amy was standing right at her door. The expression on her face was a confirmation of what she just told Louise. She looked furious.

“Amy,” she tried to appear calm, as the girl stormed inside her apartment. “What are you doing here?”

“First, I came here to beg you for a brand. My body won’t accept anybody else’s because you’re my Maker.”

“Oh no, it’s because she’s your b–” Louise emerged from Kamilah’s office, as soon as she heard what was going on. Kamilah censored her with a snarl. It wasn’t the right moment to tell Amy yet.

“Of course.”

Amy exposed her tight and she warmed up the amulet with a lighter to press it against her skin. After Clan Sayeed’s brand was marked on Amy’s skin, Kamilah pricked her finger, sealing it with her blood. The bounding sensation hit, passing though every inch of Kamilah’s body, at an intensity she never experienced before.

“Will it ever go away?” She heard Amy complaining to herself, confirming she was feeling the same sensations. She couldn't hide a smile.

According to Louise, there was one more thing she was supposed to do. With one of her daggers, she opened a gash in her palm, dripping some blood inside a cup.

“Drink it,” she offered Amy.

“It’s not part of the ritual. Lily never had to drink Adrian’s blood when she was Turned.”

“Each vampire is different, Amy. Without this, you’ll constantly feel weak and worn out. No blood will be able to satisfy your thirsty. Trust me.”

Amy grabbed the cup from her hand in a violent manner. She hesitated before drinking it, staring at the content and then back at Kamilah. Her look was powerful and intimidating.

“Trust you?” Amy let out a sarcastic laugh, then started walking around Kamilah in circles. “For years, you lied and hid your feelings from me, always making me feel guilty for choosing Adrian over you. Well, then I died. And you Turned me without my consent!”

“Oh please, would you rather to be dead? I gave you a new chance of living! To spend the rest of your life with the man you love.”

The girl went silent as she gazed Kamilah deeply in the eyes. Like if she was retrieving information straight from her soul.

“Oh I almost forgot,” the sarcastic tone in her voice wasn’t gone yet. “I believe I have something that belongs to you.”

She handed Kamilah a jacket. A jacket she dressed Amy many years ago in her office, when she was freezing to death. Although she had debriefing lessons from Jameson in the past, she never researched further about the practice. She had no idea about what would happen once the debriefed mortal became a vampire.

“Y-You remember.”

“Why, Kamilah?!” Amy shouted, shaking her head in denial. “Why did you erase my memories of you multiple times? Why do you have to be selfish like this? You only care about yourself!”

Caught by surprise, Kamilah didn’t answer. She couldn’t find words to explain her motivations. Not with Amy being angry as she was. The girl grabbed her arm, then she paralyzed. Her eyes went wide and unresponsive, like if she had been hypnotized.

“Amy?” Kamilah touched her shoulder gently. “What’s going on?”

She took a long moment to respond.

“You took me out for dinner… And after driving me home, we went to the building’s rooftop.”

“That’s right,” Kamilah answered. In the moment she felt so connected to Amy, she could almost relive that memory too.

“Can I ask you one question?” “Well, you’re not the kind that just give up, are you?” “What are you looking for, Kamilah?” “I…”

“Oh, you wanted it as much as I did,” the corners of Amy’s mouth curled up into a smile.

“Out of curiosity, what are we talking about?” Louise whispered to Kamilah.

“Get out of here,” Kamilah ordered, in a low voice.

The protégée walked headed to the front door, signaling Kamilah to call her later for details.

Kamilah turned her attention back to Amy. The smile disappeared from her face, she now looked tense and scared.

“My friends… I didn’t remember them before. Oh my god!” A single tear ran across her cheek. “A feral killed them but… you protected me. Then… you drove me to the bus station and…”

“I debriefed you. You resisted, you were determined to keep your memories this time.”

Amy came back to reality, feeling dizzy and lightheaded. Her hands were shaking cold.

“Are you alright?” Kamilah asked, concerned. “Do you need a glass of water or…”

“No,” Amy grabbed her hand, preventing her from leaving the couch. “It was different this time, you… you left it up to me to decide if I wanted to come back or not. T-This is why I always felt I needed to come back to New York.”

“That was the right thing to do.”

“Kamilah, you didn’t want to do it this time, did you? You only erased my memories to protect me, from what happened to my friends and from… your world.”

“I guess it didn’t work very well in the end, huh? I mean, you returned and had to face it all again. In the end, you also became a vampire. You should’ve stayed away from me, Amy… You made the wrong choice.”

“Wrong? The only wrong choice here was you not telling me all of this before!”

Amy was right. If only she had told her before, maybe she wouldn’t have started dating Adrian. That was the perfect moment to tell her about her true motivations. Bounding.

“T-There’s a reason…” She stood up, ready to reveal the truth. But in a blink of an eye, Amy advanced in her direction, pressing her against the nearest wall and kissing her in a feverish mode. Showing all the desire she had been withholding during the last four years.

“Later,” Amy muttered, before nipping at her lower lip with her recently acquired fangs.

Kamilah placed a hand on her waist, pulling her even closer as their tongues played a dominance game.

“You’re quite strong for a newly Turned,” she commented as they parted.

“You think? Maybe I’ve only caught you off guard.”

“Let’s test it then.”

Using her advanced speed, Kamilah switched positions, pressing Amy against the wall.

“You were right…” she spoke, drawing a trail of kisses from Amy’s ears until her neck.

“Partially,” Amy smiled playfully, before tearing her clothes apart.

Without wasting no more time, Kamilah pushed her on the couch. Amy drew her for more kissing. At this point, stopping felt impossible. They couldn’t keep their mouths and hands off each other.

“Amy… wait…” Kamilah interrupted their making out session. “There’s something you need to know. It’s important.”

“Come on…” Amy complained. “Wasn’t there a fourth time, was it?”

“No, I swear. Have you ever heard about bounding?”

“Yes, Adrian mentioned it once, how much he wanted us to have it. It’s like a soulmate thing, isn’t it?”

“Okay then. You’re my bound, the idea terrified me so much I decided to erase your memories to keep you away from me.”

“Serious?! How can you be so sure?”

“Because of this…” Kamilah’s hand traveled all over her chest, triggering the electric sensation. “And this…” she caressed Amy’s tight, where her brand was imprinted. “Since I Turned you, I’m the only one allowed brand you.”

“Oh… and I suppose that’s the reason why I should do this…” Amy smirked before carefully taking her wrist to her fangs, drinking some blood. Her bite was gentle and delicate, not causing any pain, only pleasure.

“How do you feel now?” Kamilah asked when she finished.

“I feel great… powerful and… I feel like I want you, all of you.”

“Oh, do you?”

Grinning, Kamilah drove her to the bedroom, where they spent the rest of the night enjoying each other’s company. Before falling asleep, Amy murmured:

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kamilah tightened the grip around Amy’s waist, as if she was making sure she’d never go away again.

[taygra5shaon]

21 questions tag

rules:: answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people to do the same that you’d like to know better

(i don’t know 21 people in tumblr, and sure as hell i dont whant to look like a weirdo if i tag people who i never talk with, so, i will tag the ones i know, then 2 i like they blog. sorry ;_; )

i got tagged by @brian-maybe-not, thanks you soo much!

i was never tagged by someone in what, 4-5 years in tumblr, (i dont post that much of things, and i’m akward when i try to make friends in internet, so it was ‘normal’ to be a ‘ghost in tumblr’) but you did, and i will never stop thanks you enough! love you!

nicknames::

so, of nicknames I have had many, even if they have not remained: - in elementary school they called me Jaws, because I intimidated the school boys (I was very 'masculine' when I was little, and sometimes they mistaken me for a boy because I fought with them) -some friends called me shaon, because ‘it sound good with your personality!' (I never understood what they meant by this) -some are names that have taken the place of my real name, that sometimes people could not say well, like Carina, Marina, Helina, etc .. one, however, remained since my childhood, given by my parents, Costy.

(at the beginning I didn't like it, but as the years went by, I got used to it)

zodiac sign:: the zodiac sign of pisces :)

height:: I’m 5′0-1 (ish)......i’m short

hogwarts house:: I think I would be among the Gryffindors, because despite my being socially anxious, I am enough brave and loyal, and I like helping people (even if my hard-working nature can make one think of hufflepuff)

last thing i googled:: ......goggle traduction..... this is self explanatory

fav musicians::  hum ... so, my favorite band is Queen, (I need to explain why?) since I was little, my mother made me hear their classics, being a big fan too :) and is difficult to explain what I like about them ... their music is spectacular, and gives you an incomparable feeling of love (at least for me) their style, each of them artists with their different and unique personalities, they manage to put it together and create legendary music, together they formed a harmony, like the notes form a music. together they formed a family that few people have the privilege of knowing its warmth and love. (I could go on for hours, so let's talk about something else) I like the Beatles, as I said before, it was my mother who introduced them to me, and their music is iconic, wonderful, and every time I hear them on the radio it's hard not to start singing with them. for the more recent bands, I like Panic at the Disco, with interesting and very beautiful music, and incredible music videos (I like the art deign). then I like Linkin Park, even if sometimes their music is a little depressive, it's incredible and the feeling they give is beautiful. then, as individual artists, I like Ed Sheeran for his incredible music that it's impossible not to sing them. then there is Melanie Martinez, with her iconic WTF (as always, i love the artistic side) video, with music full of amazing messages and feelings (a bit sad, but still beautiful) I could go on for centuries to list which musics artists I like, but I don't want to make peole bored, so it's all for now

fav books:: then, my favorite books ... the lord of the rings, the hobbit and the silmarillion, then there is the saga of Eragorn (although the last book is not as beautiful as the others), Harry potter, and Narnia ( classic) as less classic books: the Medicus, Graceling, the tree of life, the saga of Inkheart, terese requin, la mort c'est mon metirer, my name is nobody, Sette volte gatto.

song stuck in your head:: there are many music or pieces of text of the music that remain in my head, and ultimately they are Queen ... damn. now i have 'somebody to love' and 'i whant to break free' in my head, and who knows what I'll have tomorrow ....

following:: 152

followers:: 175! wow, I never thought I'd go that far, and I thank you with all my heart for having the patience to follow me until now! I adore you (even if I don't know you ^^') after I finish the exams, I will open a small request space, and you can ask me any kind of drawing (no sexual ones. I'm not very comfortable with them)

do you get asks:: no. even if I'm open to talking. talk to me :)

amount of sleep:: hum .... after hours of art work, I can usually fall asleep around 1/2 at night, and I wake up at 4 am. at that moment I'm like a zombie and I try to go back to sleep, but I can't do that much any more, so, I'm in a kind of sleep-wake. at 6-7 in the morning, I have enough conscience, but not wanting to get out of bed, I take the phone and scroll tumblr or youtube. at 8 am I’m out of bed (this during the holidays, because when I'm under university, I wake up at 5 and get up at that time to study) i’m quite a morning person

lucky number:: 5 or 6, like the numbers of the people of my family :)

what are you wearing:: a black and white striped tank top and denim shorts with tights

dream job:: work in the production of animation, video games or cinema as art and design style  :) or work with writers to get a decent movie script. or as an actress, even though I am nervous and akward, I have always enjoyed acting (and apparently I was also good, since my mother make me joined many times the theater)

I would like to inspire people, and make them feel with my works, make them happy and amazed :)

dream trip:: hum .... I don't have a precise destination, I'd like to go around the world and see the historical wonders of man and nature. I'd like to do it with someone, maybe a loved one with i would love to share the wonders of the earth. I am a hopeless romantic

instruments:: no. I tried different instruments, like piano and guitar, but I am denied playing them ... but I can sing, if this can be counted as an instrument

languages:: I know Italian because I am Italian, lol. but jokes aside, I speak fluent French and some English, (although I am fluent in writing in English, but not so much in writing French) then I would like to speak Spanish or German, I still have time :)

favorite songs::auch, I have a billion favorite music:

- Caravan Palace: Lone Digger. I'm crazy about the style of music similar to the 20s and 30s -Gorillaz: feel good inc. I love the singer's voice and the guitar of the central piece -Linkin Park: iridescent. I'm sorry, sad as it is, and one of my favorites -Katy Perry: Roar: the tiger and my sign in the Chinese zodiac, and my favorite animal (explains itself) -Eminem: Venom. that song is one of the coolest things in the world -Roberto Benigni: how much I loved you. I can not put this beautiful Italian song. it makes me full of love and it breaks my heart every time I listen - Melanie Martinez: baby i'm mad. christ, this song is fantastic. -Deiver Us from the - prince of Egypt -. omg, this music is spectacular. -QUEEN: Somebody to love, Killer Queen, I was born to love you, who wants to live forever, etc ... DO I NEED TO SAY WHY I LIKE? NO? WELL!

random fact:: hum ....

I have a love-hate relationship with my bicycle, because I had all my accidents on the road with it. (I was hit by a car twice, and crashed on a wall because the brakes didn't work)

 I end up at the hospital so many times that I needed another pair of hands to count it. (I'm clumsy)

and lastly, although I am clumsy in the civilized world, I adore survival in the forests, and fight sword against sword with my cousin.

aesthetic:: ok ..... i don't have a precise style, maybe casual? with some 70s touches. maybe even a little hipster or nerd

ok ...... i will just tag some people I love and follow, ok?

  @bowieandqueen11 , @avaloncelsus , @akhmenawkward ,  @innueendo , @ghostie-stories , @brian-maybe-not

(they are few people, but I like talking to them and follow they blog, so forgive me if you never talked to me, I'm just a poor girl)