#but it's their choice and they have to live with the consequences
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@lamentationsofalonelypotato
Aw that makes me so happy, friend! Thank you!! 🥹💓💓
I love hunter!readers, but the soft!readers really have my heart. Not that a hunter!reader couldn't be soft per say, but I just love how cutesy she is.
Oh yeah, totally love the hunters to lovers dynamic, but I love writing women that can be strong and have moments of vulnerability. And thank you!! This reader has a special place in my heart now lol 💕
You're so right. Benny should have asked more questions!! Benny should have had the talk with Dean and if he is Dean's best friend he should have known. It kinda makes it sadder though. But I'll bet the epilogue kinda explains that a bit too 🥰 But at the same time yes, Benny was a good guy for stepping up and stepping in.
Oh you're right, it does make it sadder because everyone had a choice here and an opportunity to talk it out. 😭 But yes, doesn't change the fact that Benny was a good man to the reader and Robbie. ❤️❤️ (Oh yeah, the epilogue will def get into that part of the Benny storyline. ❤️)
It really is. I bet that Ben/Soldier Boy would let his kid watch something too soon and then live with the consequences when he can't have sex with the reader for a month because the kid sleeps in the bed with them 🤣
Omfgggg HE SO WOULD. 🤣🤣 He'd be all "What's the big fucking deal?" Until his evening "plans" are ruined by his poor traumatized child getting in between. And reader going, "See??" as she holds the baby instead of him. 🤣

Don't be sorry, near-death experiences that make people realize they love one another is the kind of angst I live for LOL
Ahahaha same though 😈
It really was wonderfully realistic- all the emotions all the drama, it was beautiful! I also think that it resonates more that way- making it about the internal and external struggle with relationships rather than some big-bad to fight. Because sometimes the big-bad is the little voice inside that makes you push everything down or sometimes the big-bad is you? If that makes sense lol.
Oh thank you, my lovely. I really appreciate that, and that you think it resonates more that way. 🥹❤️ And yes that very much is the crux of this story -- that sometimes you're your own worst enemy, and sometimes you stumble and fall on your face and hurt the people around you, however unintentionally. It takes a lot of growing and maturing to figure out this thing called life. 💜
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that happened when I was in my two weeks off period 😅 But I don't think it's so much as you not having 'thick skin' or being 'defensive'- I see it more as you being open to the criticism, but them not giving you anything constructive. If someone says 'oh that's stupid' but then don't tell you why, it becomes more about the writer than what they wrote.
Oh sorry! I can't remember if we talked about it or not. Really it wasn't even worth getting into anyway. However that's how I felt about it. There's a big difference between constructive criticism and criticism.
But oh yeah no. The fact that they felt the need to also send in an ask criticizing you even more is just uncalled for. I don't blame you for answering it, it would have annoyed me too- especially because lately I feel like the meaner anons think they're helping writers by being super rude?
Oh yeah, some anons get spicy with it lmao. I tend hit them back with, if you really believe you're right and want me to take you seriously, say it with your chest and talk to me non-anonymously. It's a kind of entitled behavior. We write what we want to write.
Yes exactly! The AU is "different!" It's more about the relationships and drama and miscommunication! (slightly mad at you for that last one jkjk 🤣) AU's are supposed to be different, that's literally it- alternate universe. Which is why they didn't like it, because they didn't understand it. 😬
Exaaactly! (ahaha I wouldn't blame you for being mad! Dean and reader both are super frustrating in this. 🤣🤣) Yeah, you're probably right about that. At the end of the day, we can't please everybody, nor should we try to. 🤷🏽♀️
But you're welcome! I really did enjoy it and I'll bet the epilogue is going to be amazing! 💗
Aww thank you, my lovely! You're always so supportive and I appreciate you so much. 💕💕
IF I STAY - Part 2
Pairing: Dean Winchester x Plus-Sized!Reader
Summary: Your dream is to work with kids as an elementary school teacher. Dean is well on his way to becoming a firefighter, keeping things light and “strings unattached” as he goes. After a one-night stand you never saw coming, you and Dean are forced to deal with the consequences…and figure out if the connection between you is worth fighting for.
AN: Deep breaths Are you ready for a rollercoaster of emotions? 😘❤️
Song Inspo: “I Can’t Help Falling in Love” and “It’s Now or Never” by Elvis
Word Count: 13.1K
Tags/Warnings: Angst, pregnancy feels, hurt/comfort, fluff, time jumps and flashbacks, sexual tension, mutual pining, spice~, and an ending…
❤️🔥 If I Stay Masterlist
Part 2: It’s Now or Never
At the doctor’s office, Dean goes in with you for the first trimester ultrasound. There you learn that you’re going to have a boy. Tears well up in your eyes and slip down your cheeks.
Dean wears a look of amazement as he sits on the edge of your bed. He takes up your hand and squeezes gently. He tries to be a strong support, even though he also tries to hide the fear that begins to churn in his gut.
For one of the first times in his life since Sam was born, he feels the weight of responsibility pressing down on him. In a good way. In a fucking scary way.
He looks at you and sees the wonder written across your face while you watch the tiny shape of your baby on the screen. His heartbeat thwaps fast and loud in the speakers.
Dean realizes something else then; the decision you're making is changing the course of your whole damn life…and it’s his fault.
With his weekly hookup rate, in the very back shelves of his mind he knew something like this could happen, even though he thought he'd been careful. (Apparently, condoms are fragile little shits.) But here, in this white wall-to-wall room that smells like hospital antiseptic, that thwap thwap thwap of a heartbeat reverberating in his ears, the reality of this is crashing hard on his shoulders and rattling down to the base of his spine.
Despite his earlier happiness, those thoughts stay with him when you two eventually get back into his car. You have the pictures of the sonogram in your hands. You smile down at them before you put them back in your purse for safekeeping.
However, you notice Dean’s sudden melancholy as he stares out at the road. He’s started the car, but he hasn’t moved to pull out of the parking lot yet.
“Hey, you okay?” you say, resting a gentle hand on his arm.
Dean shakes his head. “Look…I’m sorry for tossing a giant friggin’ monkey wrench into your life. I know this hasn’t been easy for you.”
If possible, your heart softens even more. You slide your hand down to grasp his.
“Dean, this baby wasn’t planned, but he’s not a mistake,” you say. “I don’t regret anything.”
Dean stares back at you, incredulously. He can’t believe you could really say that to him. He doesn’t know what to say. He only knows what’s in his mind, and what he feels compelled to do in that moment.
He leans over and kisses you. It’s a firm meeting of his lips to yours and achingly familiar. But ultimately, it’s chaste. He pulls away and settles back in his seat.
When you blink your eyes back open, your expression is slack in shock.
“I’m sorry,” he says, seeming sheepish, and guilty. “I meant to say thank you. Just didn’t know any other way to say it.”
After a moment, you smile at him. It’s warm and almost shy.
Dean clears his throat, trying to ignore the way his face is heating up. He doesn’t say anything more. He just takes the wheel and shifts gears, pulling the car out of the parking lot.
You don’t know what possesses you to bake cookies. Dozens and dozens of them, all the chocolate chip cookie recipes you can find. You’re in search of the perfect one. This will be the recipe your son will grow up on, and every time he eats them, he’ll remember how much you loved him.
And then, he’ll be ruined for any other chocolate chip cookies that try to grab his taste buds. He’ll say, Blech. Chips Ahoy? These aren’t as good as Mom makes!
…Or something like that.
Yes, these cookies have to be perfect. You’ll even write the ingredients down on a notecard and hide it away, and it’ll become your family secret recipe.
Once you feel like your cookie game is strong enough, you decide to test these babies out. You bring two dozen painstakingly baked confections to Firehouse 83, where Dean works. The man is a bottomless pit, to be sure, but you also want other people’s unbiased opinions. For science.
You park your car on the side of the road, making sure you’re not blocking the driveway where two huge fire trucks are parked. You head inside the firehouse with your big container under your arm and your purse on the other. Now at seven months into your pregnancy, you’ve gotten to the embarrassing “waddle” stage.
You’re still determined to be active though! You plan to keep working until you have the baby. Your parents live a few hours away, but you’re grateful that they want to help out as much as possible.
Even though they weren’t happy to hear about how you got pregnant, by now they've met Dean and begrudgingly admitted to liking him. He's really stepped up to the responsibility of a future father, insisting on baby-proofing your apartment, helping you shop for the essentials, and going with you to as many doctor’s appointments as he can. He’s even agreed to giving you child support payments, even though you hadn’t wanted to ask for it.
You look for him now as you enter the firehouse, trying to push the heavy glass door open with one hand.
“Here, I got you,” says a familiar baritone voice.
You’re pleasantly surprised at the man who helps you inside.
“Benny! It’s good to see you.”
“Yeah, been…a while,” he chuckles, glancing down at the swell of your belly, but he squeezes your shoulder and leans in to hug you gently.
“Dean filled you in?” you ask. You hope so. Having to explain the story to one of his own friends would be embarrassing, especially since this is the man you walked in Sam’s wedding with. It reminds you of that day, and the way you told Dean that news in a glorified closet, with shaking hands and the wrong kind of butterflies.
Thankfully, Benny nods. “That he did…but come on, I’ll show you around. And I see you’ve brought somethin’ special for us?”
He gestures at the container you're holding and offers to take it off your hands. You give it to him, grateful for the help.
“Yeah, and I want you guys to give me your honest opinion.”
Benny tosses you a wink and a smile. “That I can do.”
Your cheeks begin to warm in a blush, but the way he helps you to a comfy couch in the common room earns your smile. There are still good men left in this world, and you’re glad to know that Dean works so well with one.
“You want some coffee, or water? Think we might have some lemonade,” Benny says.
“Water would be great, thank you,” you reply, as you rub your belly. The little man has decided to kick at your liver today. “I stopped drinking coffee for the baby. ”
It's your biggest challenge, to be honest. Try wrangling a group of fifteen to twenty six-year-olds while running on green tea, the fumes of sleep deprivation, reduced bladder control, and as much vim as you can muster.
“Ah, right,” Benny nods. “My sister has two kids. She cut out coffee, pain meds, some dairy stuff. But she claimed cheesecake was all right, ‘cause it’s got cake in the name.”
You giggle. “I see no flaw in her logic.”
Down the hall of the firehouse, Dean is just coming back in from going through a set of drills. He’s still the Candidate—the freshest blood in the house—so they’ve been putting him through his paces for the past several months. He’s eager to learn and to prove himself.
His ears perk up in confusion though. Did he just hear your voice?
Why does it smell like a bakery in here?
When he rounds the corner, he sees you in the common room, smiling and giggling like a teenager at something Benny said to you while he eats a soft baked cookie right out of a Tupperware container. You must’ve brought it for the firehouse.
This cozy little scene kind of annoys Dean somehow, though he doesn’t know why. He does know that it shouldn’t.
“Hey, look who’s here,” Dean says, forcing himself to smile. It becomes easier when you look his way, your eyes brightening at his arrival.
“There you are! Come ‘ere and try these,” you say, pointing at the box Benny holds. “Tell me if our son’s going to have the best PTA mom ever.”
Dean can’t help but grin after trying a big bite of one of your cookies.
“Oh, mah Gah,” he says, holding a hand under his mouth so nothing comes crumbling out.
“Good?” you ask.
“Good friggin’ cookie,” he confirms, after he swallows. “You’re gonna have the other parents frothing at the mouth. Who’s gonna be able to compete with this?”
Benny nods in agreement. When Dean squeezes your shoulder, your sweet, happy smile makes him smile too.
She’s going to be a good mom, he thinks. He can only hope against hope that he can be the man his son needs.
Two months later, the time has finally come. Your water breaks when you’re in the middle of teaching your second graders how to spell exaggerate—and no, Joey, it’s not e-g-g-zagerate.
However, the embarrassment of him pointing out the fluid beginning to stain your slacks is swiftly cut off by your shock. Your first call is to the principal, to have her send someone to cover your class. Your next call is to Dean, telling him to meet you at the hospital.
“Why the hell did he have to bring her,” you mutter to yourself, wiping sweat from your brow. Here you are, gritting your teeth through contraction after contraction in this damn hospital bed, and Dean is outside the room talking to Lisa.
You know you have no real reason to be upset. She’s been trying her best to be your friend in recent months. Hell, she helped Eileen and your mom plan your baby shower. She even brought you flowers when she got to the hospital, but you notice how less than five minutes after she got here, she and Dean became embroiled in yet another argument. It seems to you that all they do is argue, break up for a week or two, and then get back together again.
The sex must be explosive, like the fireworks at goddamn Disney World.
But Dean eventually does come back into the room alone. His support grounds you over the next few hours. He lets you basically break his hand, all while he gives you encouragement (and stands by your shoulder, so he doesn’t see anything you’d rather him not see).
And then, your son is born. Every muscle, every cell in your body is exhausted, but the pain meds have kicked in, and you’re in that blissed out state between abject reality and being entirely entranced by the bundle in your arms. His perfect face is just there, sleeping for the moment after the nurses taught you how to breastfeed.
Dean returns to sit in the chair beside you. He gives you some water and a piece of a protein bar. You’re not that hungry, but he pointed out that you haven’t eaten since before your water broke.
“Sam and Eileen are on their way up,” he says.
You nod in reply. You’re too into your son right now to think of anything else.
Dean shakes his head in wonder as he reaches out with a tentative hand, brushing his fingers over the baby’s downy head. He was born with a little tuft of brown hair.
“Okay, down to business,” Dean says, shooting you a playful look. “I vote for Zeppelin.”
You groan. “Dean, no. Veto. I’m not naming my son after a rock band.”
“Aw, come on. It’s a badass name!”
“What about Aiden?” you suggest.
“Veto,” he snorts. You two agreed to getting five “vetos” each, but this discussion has been more like a battle of wills over the last several months.
“Okay, what about Daniel? That’s strong, classic,” you pose.
Dean considers it with a tilt of his head. “All right, that one’s a maybe.”
Again, he strokes the baby’s soft cheek. You look over at Dean with a small smile.
“You’re going to be a good dad, you know,” you tell him. It earns his gaze. Although he’s trying to stay strong, you read the hidden insecurity there, the worry and fear. You rest a hand on his arm. “You are, Dean. You’re a good man, and you’ve really stepped up these past few months. This obviously isn’t how either of us thought our lives would go, but if this had to happen with someone, I’m glad it’s you.”
Dean’s expression softens. He hesitates, but he lays a hand over yours and squeezes gently.
“Thanks,” he says.
Your eyes meet, and it’s a moment charged with something you can’t even name. It’s not the first time you’ve felt this feeling with him. It both fills your heart with warmth, and makes you ache.
Then the door opens. It’s Lisa, Sam, and Eileen. Dean’s hand slips away from yours as they all pour in to congratulate you and Dean, and of course, meet the baby. There’s a lot of soft cooing and playful shushing.
In that small chaos, your parents call to tell you that they’re finally almost here. It really sucked not having your mom with you, but your parents live far enough away that they were going to take a train and stay with you for at least a week. Their train unfortunately got delayed due to mechanical failure.
It's okay though. Getting through the past several hours has made you realize that you’re stronger and more capable than you think, and even though part of you is still scared to death, you don’t need a husband to be a good mom. You’re going to give this your all, no matter who’s beside you…
And that's no more apparent than when Dean soon has to step out again, leading Lisa out of the room. He saw how her “helpful” suggestion to have a get-together at their apartment to celebrate the baby’s birth was setting you on edge. Really, you just want to sleep for the next 24-hours and not have any more pictures of you taken.
It gets loud enough outside your hospital room that Sam and Eileen feel they have to intervene. Lisa is Eileen’s best friend, and she’s the best equipped to try and deescalate the argument from that end, while Sam deals with Dean. It’s messy, it’s irritating, and it means that even today, you can’t just have a little bit of peace.
You sigh and cradle your still nameless baby close to your chest. He’s all that matters. Already, your heart is so damn full just taking him in.
“What’s your name, my little love?” you whisper. “What am I going to write on your certificate, besides Winchester?”
“How about Benjamin,” comes a Louisiana drawl.
You perk up and smile in surprise. “Benny, hey.”
He greets you with a slightly hesitant kiss on the cheek. He’s brought the baby an adorable teddy bear, and you a beautiful bouquet of white and blue roses, along with a box of chocolates.
“It’s the assorted kind, but they’ve got plenty of the caramel ones you like,” he says, then gazes down at the baby. “Aw, he’s a little charmer. Already got more of you than Dean, that’s for sure.”
You laugh lightly at his teasing. “I don’t know about that.” You hope your son inherits Dean’s strong jaw, and his green eyes.
Benny scratches the back of his head. “Also…sorry if I’m crossing some kind of boundary here. Looks like it’s a bit of a circus outside.”
You shake your head and smile through burgeoning tears. You set the chocolates on the end table where he’s placed the flowers and the teddy bear.
“No, it’s very sweet. Thank you,” you say. You glance out the window of your room to the hallway, where the arguing between Dean, Lisa, Sam, and Eileen seems to finally be calming down. You’re so damn tired, you don’t give a crap about whatever they’re hashing out now.
You look down at your son, and despite your strong thoughts earlier, insecurity begins to creep back into your mind like inky claws.
“How are you holding up?” Benny asks. His face is kind and concerned when he notes the change in you.
You meet him with a wobbly smile. “Honestly? I’m afraid. I know I have a lot of people who want to support me, and I’m grateful, but…I just have this terrible feeling that we’re going to end up alone, him and me.”
You look down at your son, and you have to wipe away a tear from your eye before it falls on his face.
A large, warm hand rests over yours. Your gaze raises slowly, and Benny smiles at you. He’s serious though.
“Don’t you worry about that,” he says. “You’re not gonna be alone.”
FIVE YEARS LATER...
For all that changes, there are some things that stay the same.
Dean and Lisa are still the world’s most “off again, on again” couple you’ve ever met. Sam and Eileen are still going strong as the hardworking, driven career couple. Your son is growing more and more every day and just started kindergarten this year.
(You ultimately caved on Dean’s idea to name him Robert, as in Robert Plant, lead singer of Led Zeppelin.)
Oh, yeah, and the “you and Benny” thing? That’s been going well for two years now.
What can you say? The man is persistent, but respectfully so. He’s considerate, reliable, and always calls you when work at the firehouse has him running late.
You haven’t yet invited him to move in with you. That part you’re still hesitant on, mostly because of your son, but Benny helps you drop off Robbie at school and makes breakfast for you all whenever he stays over your apartment. Benny takes an interest in your son’s life and keeps up with all his energy, taking him to the park to run himself ragged before dinner, and helping you tuck him in at night.
Benny is a bit closed off though, the strong stoic type. He’s hard for you to get a read on, and sometimes you wonder if he’s just indulging you when you ramble on about your day or make silly jokes. Even now, sometimes you withhold the first thought that comes to your mind, hoping he doesn’t think you immature or…too much.
But Benny shows his caring in all those little things he does for you. They add up into the big things, and he makes you feel supported. He makes you feel safe.
He even helps you plan your son’s fifth birthday. Robbie wanted to go all out on a dinosaur theme; he’s been hooked on Jurassic Park ever since Benny “accidentally” let him watch it with him on one of your rare nights out with your friends.
So you set up a little party at the park by your apartment. You managed to reserve the biggest gazebo, where there are three picnic tables covered with dinosaur plates, and tablecloths, streamers in different shades of green. You even bought a big dinosaur cake—also in a radioactive green color that you hadn’t been sure about, but your son talked you into. Robbie thinks it’s awesome.
He’s running around on the playground with a few of his friends from school. Their parents (along with Sam, Eileen, and Lisa) are talking amongst themselves at one of the picnic tables while you try to figure out how to get the Bluetooth speaker to connect with your phone.
“Haha! Got it. If you're so smart, Alexa, why don't you connect on the first try?” You fist-pump the air triumphantly, just as Benny comes to your side. He wraps an arm around your waist and kisses your cheek, making you smile.
“How’s it going out there?” you ask, nodding at the kids. Plus Dean, who’s gamely been the one to keep them entertained with different games. Right now, it’s a thrilling game of Cowboys and Outlaws, where Robbie and his friends are the cowboys, and Dean is the outlaw. He’s been hiding under the slide, behind trees and other playground fixtures, while the kids have little squirt guns to pelt him with water every time they find him.
It's pretty damn cute, and you’ve been taking pictures. You smile at the sight of Dean leaping out at Robbie and the kids, catching them off guard.
“You’ll never take me alive, Sheriff!” Dean declares.
“Oh, it’s goin’,” Benny remarks with an amused shake of his head. “Still hard to believe that guy’s about to make it to Lieutenant.”
“Hahaaa, gotcha!!” Dean cackles. He’s grabbed up Robbie and yanked him over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. Robbie screeches with laughter while his dad runs around the playground, being chased by a bunch of five-year-olds with squirt guns.
Your smile threatens to make your cheeks hurt. You know your life is…unconventional, to say the least, but Dean is a good father to your son. He’s also been working hard at his job. He just took the Lieutenant’s test, and even though Benny already occupies that position at Firehouse 83, a spot at another firehouse might open up for Dean to transfer.
“Part of me doesn’t want to,” Dean admitted to you last week, while he was working on fixing your stubborn, leaky sink. “All the guys there, they’re like family, you know?” “I understand,” you nodded. “You have to do what feels best for you, whether that’s staying where you feel comfortable, or moving up in your career somewhere else. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.” He took in your advice with a slow nod. “Yeah, thanks. Guess I have to time to think about it. Lisa had other ideas.” “Of course,” you said with a smile, but it soon dropped. “Why, what did she say?” “Do what I can to move up,” he sighed. “She’s got a point. That title comes with a pay bump, one I could really use right now.” “I get that. Totally valid,” you said. “But I just think it’s important for you to be happy with it too. Especially with what you do, helping people, saving people…I’d imagine being in the right mindset for all that is important, right? Who you work with can be just as important as the money stuff.” Dean considered you with a smile. “Yeah, exactly.”
As you think about it now, you have to admit that he’s grown up a lot.
Dean has to lean against a tree to catch his breath. Am I already getting too old for this crap?
Feels kind of young to have a stitch in his side after a few rounds with these kids, but even he has his limits. Lisa comes to bring him a bottle of ice-cold water, which he appreciates. He’s tempted to dump it over his head like he does after successfully neutralizing a fire. It gets literally hot as hell under that helmet and mask and all his gear underneath.
“Need an iron lung?” Lisa teases.
“Toss in a new pair of knees, thanks,” he wheezes. He downs half the water bottle in one go, but he smiles at seeing his son keep running around with his friends. He’s just got that manic kid energy that goes on for days. But Robbie’s also smart; like Dean, he likes taking things apart and putting them back together in new and ingenious ways.
Dean hopes his son likes the new model car set that’s waiting for him on the picnic table full of presents. In fact, he’s still surprised that you didn’t go with the race car theme he suggested for the party, but apparently, Robbie’s more into dinosaurs now. Dean wishes he knew that before he bought the model car set.
He looks over and catches sight of you and Benny wrapped up in each other. He has his arm around your waist while you fiddle with something, but the way you lean over and whisper near his ear elicits a smile on Benny’s face.
Dean’s good mood diminishes.
“Well, don’t they seem cozy,” he mutters.
Lisa arches a manicured brow. “Yeah, pretty sure he’s getting ready to propose.”
That earns Dean’s attention, his head swiveling back to her in surprise.
“Really?” he asks. “Who told you that?”
“His sister,” she replies. “Meg’s in my intermediate class, remember?”
Dean nods, sipping at his water, even though he’s a bit absent in the eyes. Lisa watches him shrewdly.
“Why do you seem upset about it?” she asks. “Benny’s your friend.”
“I know,” Dean says. He doesn’t need that reminder, or the guilty twinge. It’s not like he’s done anything wrong.
“And she seems happy,” Lisa points out. “Don’t you want the mother of your kid to be with a good man who treats her right?”
He nods, trying to hide his growing annoyance. “‘Course I do. I just…I don’t know. I still don’t see them together, I guess.”
“Well, they’ve been together for like, two years.”
Again, Dean nods his acknowledgement. It’s hard for him to believe that so much time has passed already. He honestly didn’t think you and Benny would be together this long. He’d always felt a little uncomfortable with one of his best friends dating you, but you’d seemed happy about it, so he didn’t discourage it. But he’d never been very supportive, either. At least, not about your relationship.
Lisa sighs and grabs his arm, pulling him aside before he can rejoin the party.
“Listen, we need to talk about something,” she says.
Dean restrains a tired groan. “Can this wait ���til later?”
“I think we should do this now,” she says. A hallmark Lisa-ism. She’s opinionated and strong-willed, something Dean’s always respected about her. Sometimes though, the timing is damn irritating. He doesn’t want to get into another argument with his girlfriend in public, especially not at his son’s birthday party.
“Speaking of commitment,” she says with a sigh. “I think it’s fair to say that we’ve been on a five-year rollercoaster, you and I. You know why that is?”
“I’m sure you’re gonna tell me,” Dean says, crossing his arms.
“It’s because you’re spread too thin,” she says. “Between the firehouse, construction jobs on the side…not to mention other things.”
“What? What’re you talking about?”
Lisa’s lips purse, before she pointedly gestures over at you with her eyes. “Well, for example. You’re still going to her place after your next shift to fix her fridge, right?”
“Yeah, I mean, should be pretty simple. I’ve just gotta swing by the hardware store and grab this specialty tool I ordered—”
“Dean,” Lisa deadpans. “That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about.”
She heaves a deep breath, running her fingers through her long brown hair.
“I get that navigating this situation hasn’t been easy for you,” she says. “It hasn’t exactly been easy for me either, but look.”
Lisa takes his hands in hers, uncrossing his arms. “I want to get married someday. I want kids too. And I want that kind of life with you…I’m just not sure you want it with me.”
Dean expels a heavy sigh. “Lis—”
“Don’t answer me right now,” she says, but she levels him with a serious look. “You need to decide though, Dean. Five years is long enough. You should know by now if you want to be with me.”
After letting go of his hands, she softens the edges of her words with a gentle kiss on his cheek. Then she turns to join the group now gathered around the picnic table where the food is, all the kids cheering for pizza and cake.
After the party, Sam, Eileen, Lisa, and Benny pack up their cars and yours with the leftover food, party supplies, and presents. Dean helps you clean up the trash, all while keeping an eye on Robbie getting out the last of his sugar-high on the playground swing.
You shake your head tiredly, if with a fond smile. “That kid’s gonna be up all night hype on that radioactive cake.”
Dean chuckles. “You want me to take him tonight?”
“It’s okay. I think he’s going to want to play with his toys,” you reply.
“Well, he could just as easily do that at my place,” he reasons.
You consider it, but you shake your head. “Yeah, but we got him the bike. He’s probably gonna want to try it out for a few minutes before we get him cleaned up.”
“By ‘we,’ you mean you and Benny,” Dean says, his tone becoming surly. “And about that. Don’t you think a bike is something you should run by me? That’s typically a ‘dad’ kind of gift.”
You pause what you’re doing at the sound of his tone. Your brows knit together.
“Sorry, but I feel like a bike isn’t exclusively a dad thing,” you say.
“My dad got me my first bike,” Dean replies. “Spent a whole three days teaching me how to ride.”
You take a minute to think about it. You understand where Dean’s coming from, so you nod.
“Okay, I get it. You want to be there to help teach Robbie? I’m sure he’d love that.”
Dean tosses a wadded-up ball of frosting-covered napkins and stops, letting his hands fall to his sides in frustration. He draws closer and helps you untie the balloons from the picnic table.
“Yeah, I do, but that’s not the point,” he says. “Why can’t I take him home tonight?”
You blink up at him in confusion. “Well, like I said. The bike—”
“That I should’ve gotten for him,” he snaps. “Which, let me guess, Benny picked out. Right?”
You frown at him in earnest now. “Dean, why are you getting so upset about it? It’s just a bike.”
“Well you know what, it’s not! And it’s not just the damn bike either.” He swipes a hand over his face in annoyance, a telltale sign you’ve come to read well on the man. “Look, I’m missing too much shit, all right? Like, like the dinosaur thing! And the fact that I only get him on the weekends.”
You turn toward him, trying to put a cap on your own annoyance. This isn’t the first time you two have had a conversation like this.
“We’ve gone over this before, Dean. Your schedule at the firehouse is just too unpredictable,” you say. “Robbie needs as much stability as possible between us. But…okay, if you want to take him tonight, that’s fine. We can bring the bike over to your place and show it to him there.”
You’re trying to be as reasonable as possible, and Dean knows that. Still, anger prickles just under his skin, and he can’t help but push his luck.
“You still should’ve asked be before you got the bike in the first place,” he argues.
Your brows raise high. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“Look, it’s not like we bought him a Honda Civic. Honestly, Dean, why are you picking a fight with me right now?” you ask. “Did you and Lisa get into it again or something?”
Dean looks away and crosses his arms, giving you all the confirmation you need.
“Yeah, that’s right,” you nod. “I saw you two over there on the playground, looked pretty heated. But do me a favor. Don’t come at me with that energy, because I’m too damn tired of it!”
When you walk away from him, Dean can’t help but stare after you. He knows he fucked that up, just as he knows that you don’t deserve him snapping at you. He’s just too irritated to admit it.
For the entire week that follows, Dean finds himself distracted. He sticks to his word and helps Benny teach his son how to ride a bike in between their shifts at the firehouse, but Dean comes home each night feeling even more frustrated and drained than before. It’s too much, knowing Benny’s slowly but surely carving out a father-figure role in Robbie’s life.
These thoughts follow Dean to work, even while he climbs up the firetruck ladder in the rain. It’s parallel to a busted utility pole that still sparks with electricity, even in this torrential downpour. His task is to get up to the top and grab a large branch that’s tangled in the lines.
Rung after rung, he climbs. His safety mask protects his eyes from the rain, but he wishes they had some mini windshield wipers to keep his vision clear of the droplets pelting him in the face.
He also can’t help thinking of you. If Lisa’s right, then Benny’s about to become a more permanent fixture in Robbie’s life, and yours.
Okay fine. It’s not like Dean expected you to be single forever, but did you really have to get with one of his best friends? Does it really have to be Benny, who seems so natural with Robbie, and more patient than Dean, and more of a support to you and Robbie than Dean can ever be?
And then there’s Lisa’s little ultimatum. He understands why she’s frustrated with him. Honestly, he’s surprised she’s stuck around this long. He knows she’s not going to wait too much longer for him to get his act together. For him to decide, as she put it.
It’s not that he’s not sure about her, it’s just that…
Just that what? he wonders.
He manages to grab the wily tree branch and maneuver it out of the power lines.
He just doesn’t realize that his glove doesn’t have quite enough friction on the metal side panel of the ladder. Not only does his hand slip, but he’s forced to let go of the branch while he loses his balance. The branch falls to the sidewalk, far, far down below.
“Dean!” Benny shouts in alarm.
Luckily, the truck itself breaks Dean's fall.
Holding Robbie’s hand tightly in yours is the only thing keeping you steady as you lead him through the hospital. After the receptionist had checked you both in and gave you the room number, you hastened down the hall and up to the right floor. 2005.
Robbie breaks into tears when he finally gets to see his dad, laid up though he is in his hospital bed. Your throat tightens at the sight of Dean hooked up to all those monitors. He has his arm wrapped up and fitted into a sling. He has a thick piece of gauze taped to the side of his face, covering a wide, angry abrasion, but he seems to be resting easy on his back. The bed is at an incline, with most of the overhead lights turned off.
Robbie rushes to the bed before you can stop him. He hesitantly touches Dean’s non-injured right hand. “Daddy?”
“Robbie, wait,” you say, keeping your voice quiet. You quickly go over to the bedside and grab ahold of Robbie’s shoulders, but Dean takes a deep breath. His eyelids crack open.
“Hey, buddy,” he says, attempting a smile. His voice is rough and weak, but at least he’s awake.
Robbie’s lower lip wobbles as tears fill his eyes again.
“Come ‘ere,” Dean says, a little stronger. When he reaches out to his son, the kid hops up onto the bed and buries his face into his father’s chest. Dean holds him as securely as he can, soothing his hand over the boy’s hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
“It’s okay, little man. ‘M okay,” he promises. Robbie nods, but he still continues to cry.
You can’t help but do the same. Tears slip down your cheeks without your consent. Dean beckons you over too, gesturing with his chin and a slight smile. You’re more tentative in the way you sit down at the edge of his bed. You run your fingers through Robbie’s light brown hair to help reassure him. Then, you meet Dean’s gaze and lay a hand on his good shoulder. You don’t know whether you’re steadying him, or yourself.
“How do you feel?” you ask. “The hospital called me. Benny told me what happened.”
The thought reminds you to text your boyfriend. You hadn’t had a chance to tell him you made it here yet. He must be downstairs grabbing a bite to eat, because he’s the one who rode with Dean in the ambulance and has been with him for a while.
“The hospital called you?” Dean notes in slight confusion.
“Eileen told me that Sam is in court right now, so I must’ve been next on the list,” you say. He also must have taken Lisa off his emergency list the last time they broke up for almost a month. He probably forgot to update it again.
You reach out a hand to almost touch the bandage by his temple. Instead, you hesitantly hold the side of his face to see the area better. Dean closes his eyes for a moment. You can see he’s in pain. Your hand lingers on his cheek, but you know, deep down, that it shouldn’t.
Dean doesn’t stop you though. He lets out a deep breath, savoring how nice the gentle touch feels when the rest of his body feels battered to hell.
“Fell off the ladder. Was a stupid rookie move,” he explains, but when he sees that look on your face, he tries to inject a little more joking into a smile. “S’ not so bad.”
“You could’ve broken your head as well as your arm,” you say, more sharply than you mean to.
Robbie whimpers and clings tighter to Dean. You cover your mouth, as if you can trap the words back inside. You don’t want to upset your son more than he already is, so you fall silent. Another tear works its way down your cheek, but you brush it away. Dean shakes his head.
“Hey, I’m okay,” he reassures you too. He manages to smile as he pats Robbie’s back. “Right, buddy?”
The boy’s head perks up. His eyes are still shiny, but he smiles too. He’s not one to speak when he’s upset though, so he just curls up against Dean’s chest and hangs onto him. Dean rests his good arm snugly around him.
You smile and stroke Robbie’s back. Though your hand lowers, resting on Dean’s hand. You take in a deep breath to calm yourself down. Dean’s fingers curl around yours, prompting you to glance up into his eyes. The way he’s watching you is soft, grateful.
Until the door creaks open. Benny steps in with a subtle clearing of his throat. You jolt internally, and you slip your hand away from Dean’s. You offer your boyfriend a wan smile.
“Hey,” you say.
“Hey, baby.” He comes over and greets you with a kiss to the side of your head. He smiles at your son gently. “The gang’s all here.”
“Oh! Let me call Sam, and Lisa too. They still don’t know what’s going on,” you say. You get up from the bed to grab your phone out of your purse. Dean nods in agreement and thanks you, while Robbie plays with his dad's long fingers.
“How you holdin’ up, brother?” Benny asks, after you step out of the room. He settles into the chair near the foot of the bed.
“Ah, you know me. I’m like a cat. Always stick the landing,” Dean says, smiling lazily. The morphine is starting to kick in again.
Benny smirks. “Maybe you do got nine lives, the amount of close calls you like gettin’ yourself into.”
Dean’s good humor fades. He considers his son in his arms, and he shakes his head.
“Yeah, well, no more,” he says. He got a taste of what it would be like to leave his boy behind, and he’s not fucking doing it. He’s not leaving you to raise Robbie by yourself. The mere idea tears a new hole in his heart.
His eyes sting just enough that he has to blink a bit harder, swallowing past a thick well of emotion in his throat. He presses another kiss to the top of Robbie’s head. Then, Dean meets Benny’s gaze.
“Thank you,” he says, and he means it.
Benny nods.
“You got it, brother.”
When Lisa steps off the hospital elevator on the second floor, you happen to be coming out of the bathroom to fix your racoon eyes. You’ve been crying way too much. You attempt to greet Lisa with something reassuring, but she cuts you off.
“What happened, and why didn’t the hospital call me directly?” she asks.
Her tone is cutting, and it takes you aback.
“Well, Sam and I were listed as his emergency contacts—”
“Why?” she snaps. “You’re not his wife or his girlfriend. I should’ve been listed.”
Jesus Christ. At this point, you can’t help it. You’re too tired and emotionally drained to lasso in your temper with this woman.
“Maybe if you and Dean stayed together longer than five minutes at a time, he’d put you back on the short list,” you sling back. “But the truth is, you’ve never just…been there for Dean. Not without demanding something from him.”
Lisa scoffs incredulously. “Oh, that’s fucking rich coming from you. You’re the reason he can’t commit to anything. You think your little world is the only one that matters, and you call Dean for any little thing! What, don’t you have a boyfriend to help fix your goddamn sink?”
You open your mouth to retort, but you pause as her words seep into your mind. She might actually have a small point about that one. You realize then just how often you’ve been asking Dean for his help, not just with your apartment, but with your car, and other logistical things that usually have to with Robbie. Dean’s just such a good handyman, and you thought he genuinely liked being able to help…even though Benny did mention once or twice that he’d be just as happy to help you.
“Lisa, this is a lot more than a leaky sink. I just wanted to get here with Robbie and make sure Dean was okay,” you try to explain.
“Good. I’m glad his son was the first person Dean got to see when he woke up,” Lisa says. “But I should’ve been the second.”
She brushes past you before you can even think of what to say. You’re in a state of shock, feeling guilty, incensed, and on the verge of tears all at once.
A familiar voice calls your name, and you turn to Benny just as those tears begin to fall. He gathers you up into his arms and holds you there in the middle of the hallway.
“She shouldn’t talk to you like that, no matter how high tensions are today. I’ll talk to Dean,” Benny says. You shake your head and bury your face in his chest, clenching your fingers in his red flannel shirt.
“No, it’s okay,” you reply, despite the sob that shudders through you. You’ve lost the will to fight.
Benny shakes his head and presses a kiss to your forehead. “It ain’t okay, baby.”
“Please, don’t bother Dean with this. Especially not right now,” you say. You take a moment to wipe your eyes and get ahold of yourself. “I’m gonna go get Robbie so Dean can rest.”
You can’t shake the feeling that Lisa is right. You do rely on Dean too much. You just don’t want to think about why that is.
Dean makes a full recovery after a few months. He never does hear about what happened in that hallway, but he knows that things need to change.
He decides to dig out his mom’s engagement ring from a locked box of his parents’ keepsakes, though he’s still waiting on the right time for it. He and Lisa start looking at houses though, for real this time. She hires a realtor and everything.
He’s making a firm decision, and he thinks it’s the right one. He wants to be there for his son, but he doesn’t want to keep “spreading himself too thin.” He has to figure out how to set some roots, and some boundaries with you while he’s at it. He’ll just have to come to terms with the idea that he won’t get to be there for everything.
He has to be okay with the fact that you’ll probably marry Benny. You’ll keep making him cookies and cakes, giving him your smile and your time and your body. And Robbie will probably think of Benny as more of a father than his own Weekend Dad.
Meanwhile, you’ve spent the past few months keeping yourself in check as well. You’ve stopped calling Dean for help whenever something breaks down in your old-ass apartment. You try to keep your conversations less about life and troubles and whatever funny thing your students did that day in class, and more focused on Robbie–strictly about his schedule and his needs.
It’s kind of painful, if you’re honest with yourself. Sam will always be one of your closest friends from college, but in the past five years, Dean has truly become your best friend. Because you’ve told him things. The things that come from sharing a child with someone, like Sunday dinners with your parents, flipping through old yearbooks and childhood pictures—and the details of day-to-day schedules and little stupid things that happen in moments between moments.
Dean also knows the deep cuts. Like being pregnant and scared and breaking down crying on the side of the road. Like sharing the deepest well of your insecurities with someone who knows your body intimately, even if just for one amazing night...a night you’ve never quite been able to put out of your mind.
However, you know that things can’t stay the same. From now on, he just needs to be your son’s father. Nothing more, nothing less.
So today, on a crisp April 24th, you’re getting ready for a highly anticipated evening with your boyfriend. Robbie is sleeping over your parents’ house, and Benny has been planning something special for your third-year anniversary.
You slip into your new dress, a deep emerald green, with a pair of black heels you’ve rarely worn since before you got pregnant. Come to think of it, you were wearing these the night of Sam and Eileen’s bachelor-bachelorette party. The night you…well, the night Robbie was conceived.
You shake your head to rid yourself of those thoughts. You even consider changing.
You’re being silly, you shake your head. They’re just shoes.
And yet. Thinking of that time so long ago, it reminds you of a recent Sunday dinner at your parents’ house.
Two Months Ago...
Your parents live modestly, but comfortably in rural Kansas. Their ranch-style home boasts a creek in the backyard, where your dad is teaching your son how to catch minnows. Your mom is inside working on an apple pie, knowing it’s both Dean’s and Robbie’s favorite.
You and Dean have kept close to the house under the shade, sitting on a bench made more comfortable by a pair of old polyester cushions with red, faded flowers.
“How much longer do you have to wear that?” you ask Dean. He glances down at his cast-covered left arm.
“Doc says it’s about ready to come off,” he says.
You nod, allowing yourself a certain smile. “How bad are you itching to grab my mom’s garden shears and cut it off right here?”
“Woman, don’t tempt me,” he says, his lips twitching at a grin. “I’ve been eying those overgrown scissors for the past half hour.”
You laugh and take another sip of your glass. Yours holds sweet tea, while Dean’s has some of your dad’s favorite whiskey. You both raise your heads when Robbie yells across the backyard.
“I caught a minnow!”
“Good job, buddy,” Dean grins. “See if you can catch a marlin!”
“A marlin?” Robbie questions.
“Yeah, like that orange guy in Finding Nemo,” Dean calls back.
Your dad gives Dean the same wry look you do, though yours is tinged with more amusement.
“Dean, that’s a clown fish,” you say. “He’s not gonna find that in the creek.”
“Aw, shit,” he tries to quiet his laugh. “Ah well, should keep him occupied for another twenty minutes.”
You bite your lip to stifle your laughter as well. Though something else occurs to you the longer you watch your son play and explore in the creek. Your dad has the patience of a saint as he puts yet another bait worm on the hook for the kid.
“He’s starting to ask questions, you know,” you tell Dean, in a quieter voice. “‘Why aren’t you and Daddy married? Why can’t we all live together?’”
Dean's brows raise. His good humor dims when he looks over at you.
“What do you tell him?” he asks.
You take in a deep breath, considering your words now as carefully as you did with your son.
“That we care about each other a lot, as friends,” you say, meeting Dean’s eyes. “And we love Robbie very much. Nothing’s going to change that, even if you and I aren’t together like a normal mom and dad.”
Saying it like that makes your heart twinge, for more than one reason. The way Dean’s mouth twitches into a rueful smile just makes it worse, but you try your best to ignore it.
“I never thought about having to explain it to him,” he says, rubbing a hand over his mouth.
It’s that anxious tell of his again. You notice every time he does it.
“I have,” you admit. “I just didn’t know for sure what I was going to say until it was coming out of my mouth.”
Dean smirks a little. “Yeah, that sounds like you.”
You roll your eyes and sip your drink, crossing your arms as well. Dean considers you then, looking at you in a way that makes you raise a brow in question.
“What?” you ask.
“Nothing, it’s just…” He sits back against the bench and rubs his hands down his jean-clad thighs. “For the record, I did try to ask you out once.”
“What?” you scoff incredulously. “No, you’ve been with Lisa since the beginning.”
“Before Lisa,” Dean says.
He isn’t joking. He isn’t teasing. He’s serious as he stares back at you with those green eyes of his. Your brows furrow as you wrack your brain. Did he drunkenly leave you a voicemail on one of those “off again” episodes between him and Lisa? No. You know you’d remember something like that.
“It was a few weeks after the bachelor party,” Dean says. “I called you up, remember?”
Your eyes widen. Finally, that jogs your memory.
“So I just thought maybe you and I could do something again. Maybe you wanna come over my place this time.” And there it is. You deflate at his words, shoulders sagging. The "convenient booty call" proposition.
You have to laugh, shaking your head in disbelief.
“Dean, you did not ask me out,” you say. “You wanted to hook up. There’s a distinct difference.”
Dean frowns at you. “No, I was. I invited you over—”
“For essentially some Netflix and chill,” you retort.
“Hey, I offered to make you dinner,” he argues. “I didn’t say anything about hooking up.”
You pause at that. His earnest denial makes you actually think back to what you remember about that conversation on the phone.
“So I just thought maybe you and I could do something again. Maybe you wanna come over my place this time.” And there it is. You deflate at his words, shoulders sagging. The "convenient booty call" proposition. “I could make us some burgers, toss in a couple of beers and a movie night,” he adds.
You cover your lips with your fingers as you begin to realize…
“That was you asking me out?” you ask incredulously.
Dean’s brows furrow and he throws his hands up. “What? Who doesn’t like a little movie night?”
“Dean,” you huff another laugh. “You could’ve made it sound more like a date.”
“Well, ‘scuse me. Sorry I couldn’t afford the Ritz at the time,” he grumbles.
You sigh. “That’s not what I meant.”
The more you think about it, the more you just shake your head at yourself. Why did you have to overthink it, like you do everything?
“Wow,” you say, softer and more contrite. “I honestly never thought…”
“Yeah,” he says. He shifts his gaze out ahead.
You glance over at him, now more unsure of yourself. He wouldn’t have any regrets, you think. He has Lisa. As much as they go at it, they always inevitably get back together. And now you know they hired a realtor. They’re about to start making solid steps forward.
But Dean surprises you with another question.
“Do you think if…”
He doesn’t finish it, but you think you know what he’s asking. You hesitate, your fingers flexing around your glass that beads with condensation. You set the glass down beside you.
Just as you open your mouth to reply—
“All right, pie is cooling and dinner is served!” your mom calls out. Her head pokes out of the sliding glass door to the backyard. You offer a smile, trying to hide how you jolted in your seat.
“Okay, thanks, Mom,” you nod.
You turn back to Dean, who also hesitates. His eyes meet yours, but all too soon, he locks the moment away.
Bracing his hands on his knees, he rocks to his feet and goes out to get Robbie and help your dad bring in the fishing gear.
You grab Dean’s whiskey along with your tea on your way back inside the house. You consider the amber liquid disturbed in his glass, and you down the rest yourself. The burn down your throat is a good distraction. If he asks about it, you’ll say you got the glasses confused.
You know you’ll have to leave that conversation unfinished at the foot of the bench.
Now...
Benny comes by your apartment and helps you into the passenger side of his pickup truck, like the gentleman he is. He takes you to a nice restaurant in downtown, much nicer than the usual sports bar or kid-friendly restaurant. You're very much looking forward to eating at a restaurant that doesn't feature chicken fingers or "kiddie" corn dogs.
“This is gonna be really expensive,” you whisper to him, after he hands his keys over to the valet.
Benny squeezes your hand in his, leaning over to kiss your temple.
“Don’t you worry about that. We both deserve a night out.” His blue eyes gleam with amusement. However, his gaze gentles, becoming more sincere. “You work hard, carin’ for everybody around you. How about you let me take care of you for once.”
Your eyes begin to water, your throat constricting with emotion. You rub his arm gratefully.
“Thank you,” you say. “You don’t know how much I appreciate that.”
It’s always easy with Benny. Nice and simple and easy. Nice, supportive, and considerate.
Nice and safe.
That thought follows you while you and Benny walk into to the restaurant. He’s reserved great seats in the back corner, overlooking a beautiful courtyard. It’s decorated with hydrangeas and light wood dining tables, all framed with a rod iron archway as the sun begins to set just so. After holding your chair out for you before he sits himself, Benny orders a bottle of champagne to kick things off.
He turns to you with a somewhat nervous look in his eyes, like he's steeling himself. It’s uncharacteristic of Benny, who’s always so calm and charming and sure of himself. It makes a zing of anticipation run down your spine, and…a dash of fear. You don’t know why, and you don’t know how to beat the feeling down as you fidget in your seat.
He subtly clears his throat, then takes your hand. “Sweetheart, I know I’m not all that good at the words you’re supposed to say. But I can say that the past three years with you and Robbie, it’s come to mean the world to me.”
Your smile softens. He brushes his thumb over the back of your hand, encouraged by your reaction.
“So I think it’s time I made it clear where I stand, and how much I want to be the man in your life,” he says.
Your eyes begin to widen in shock, but not for the reason he thinks.
“Dean,” you gasp.
Benny’s expression slackens. “What?”
You point over his shoulder, and Benny turns to follow your line of vision. Dean and Lisa have just walked into the restaurant. They notice you pointing their way, and they both pause in surprise as well. Lisa is beautiful as usual in a slinky black dress, completely backless (something you feel you could never pull off, unless you had an invisible bra to keep the girls perked up).
Dean is…well, you’ve very rarely seen him in a suit, but charcoal gray works for him. The open collar and white buttoned-down works for him, as do the three top buttons he’s left undone, showing a tantalizing strip of tanned skin. He stares back at you like he forgot you live in the same time zone, let alone the same zip code.
“Uh, hey!” he casts out an awkward wave, before he makes his way over to you and Benny. Lisa is less than enthused.
“We shouldn’t interrupt their night,” you catch her whisper to him, but Dean doesn’t seem to hear her.
“What’s up, party people! Of all the gin joints in all the world, huh?” Dean says, a little too loudly when he thumps Benny on the back. Benny grunts, giving a bit of a forced chuckle.
“Dean,” he greets. “I think I told you about this particular gin joint. Good to see you can actually clean up once in a while.”
“Ah, you know what, this monkey suit ain’t too bad,” Dean says, pulling at his collar.
You smirk in amusement. “Yeah, I remember how much you complained about wearing a simple tie for Robbie’s Christmas pageant.”
He smirks down at you. “Hey, ties still might not be my thing, but nothing wrong with a sharp collar.”
He pops his for emphasis. You don’t know why it makes you laugh, but it does. Maybe it’s just his face and the silly, endearing expression he makes when he pouts his lips in a “blue steel.”
“So, is this just a night out, or you guys celebrating something special?” Dean asks, gesturing at the champagne bottle and your full glasses of bubbly.
Benny gives his friend a certain look. “Yeah, as a matter of fact. Today’s three years.”
He takes your hand and kisses your knuckles. You smile back at him, though you’re a bit self-conscious at the way both he and Dean, and even Lisa have their attention on you.
“We should let you guys get back to it then,” Lisa says.
Honestly, it’s a relief. You and Benny nod, wishing them a goodnight.
For some reason, you notice how Dean’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. But he goes with Lisa, laying a hand on the small of her back. You force yourself to tear your eyes away from them and refocus on Benny. You take up your champagne glass and raise it in offering.
“All right, where were we?” you ask, if with a nervous trill in your belly.
Benny smiles. He takes up his glass and clinks it with yours.
Lisa nearly sighs. She and Dean are back in line at the front of the restaurant, waiting to be seated. The second time she catches Dean glancing over at the table where you and Benny sit, she shakes her head and digs into her purse for the valet card. She’s done with this.
“I think maybe we should go to a different restaurant,” she says.
That finally earns Dean’s attention, mostly confused. “What, why?”
She just gives him a long look.
He realizes that whatever her reasons are, it’s easier to just give in than to fight her on it. He’s learning when to pick his battles. Or is he just giving up?
Also, if tonight’s “the night” he thinks it is for you and Benny, maybe he doesn’t want to stick around after all. Three years, huh?
“All right, fine. Let’s go,” he agrees.
Dean and Lisa wait for the valet to bring the Impala around. The minute he gets behind the wheel and turns the key into the ignition, she changes her mind.
“Look, let’s just go home,” she says. “I don’t really feel like eating out anymore.”
Dean’s brows raise. “What? Aw, come on. We’re already dressed and everything. You look great, Lis. Just tell me where you wanna eat.”
Lisa remains firm, with a small shake of her head. “Please, Dean, just take me home.”
After a moment of indecision, Dean sighs. He revs the ignition and does as she says.
It’s only a fifteen-minute drive back to their apartment, but in that stifling silence, it seems to drag on for a small eternity. He glances at her a couple of times. Lisa has her arms crossed as she stares out the window, watching the other restaurants and mom-and-pops shops and forest trees and old houses of Lebanon, Kansas go by.
Dean counts it a blessing when they’re finally home. He walks up the few short steps up to their ground-floor apartment and unlocks the door. He flicks on the lights inside, and she breezes past him to toss her purse onto the couch.
Dean takes off his blazer and begins to undo the buttons on his cuffs. He watches her all the while, knowing that a storm is brewing. She shucks off her heels and slowly paces the living room on bare feet, like her whirling thoughts are fueling every step.
“All right, I give. What’s going on?” Dean asks. “What’d I do this time?”
She pauses, with her back turned to him.
Shit, he thinks. He shouldn’t have said it like that.
He prepares for the inevitable blow up, but it never comes. Lisa just heaves a sigh. Slowly she turns, and Dean’s shocked and dismayed to see the tears welling up in her deep brown eyes. He makes quick strides toward her, but she raises a hand to keep him at bay.
“Dean, when you picture yourself happy, truly happy,” she says. “Is it with me? Can you imagine yourself marrying me? Buying the house, having kids, growing old together?”
If Dean was thrown for a loop before, he’s even more stunned by her question. “Lis…”
“Just be honest, for once,” she pleads. Her tears begin to brim over, but she blinks, somehow keeping them at bay.
It’s a bit too long before Dean realizes that he can’t give her an answer. At least, not the one he knows she wants to hear.
When he thinks of that picture in his mind, of course he sees his son. But the only other person Dean can imagine there beside him is…
“I…” He wills his mouth to work, but nothing else comes out.
The only face he can conjure is yours. Your eyes are warm and welcoming, your smile as bright and contagious as your laugh.
The only voice he can hear is yours, gentle and strong at the same time.
The only one he can see is you.
He knows the shampoo you use and the perfume you like to wear, how the sweet and floral scents mix together and linger in your hair and on your skin.
Even now he remembers the contours of your body, and how it could fit so well against his. He knows that you used to try and hide your shape under loose, baggy shirts and cargo pants that did nothing for you. He knows how much courage it took you to wear that red dress to his brother’s party, because you told him once, at one of those Sunday dinners at your parents’ house.
Come to think of it, there’s not a whole lot that Dean doesn’t know about you, except maybe what you see when you look at him.
“You love her,” Lisa finishes for him. “I think you always have.”
Dean’s throat tightens. Somehow he swallows anyway, and he shakes his head.
“Lisa, I loved you.”
“Maybe you did, in your own way,” she says, laughing a little through her tears as she wipes them away. “But you already have a family, Dean. Go fight for it.”
Dean doesn’t know what to say, but he knows what he can do.
He goes to her and kisses her cheek.
“I’m so sorry,” he says.
Lisa merely nods, wiping her face dry. She watches Dean Winchester walk out of her apartment, and out of her life for good this time.
Dean calls your cell, but it goes to voicemail. He drives all the way back to the restaurant and doesn’t find you or Benny there.
Dean realizes that what he’s doing, what he plans to do, is not fucking cool. He wouldn’t blame you or even Benny for being severely pissed when Dean shows up. He also knows that he can’t let another day pass where he keeps lying to you, and himself.
He eventually finds you at home. What’s weird is that Benny’s truck isn’t in the driveway—just your car. He knocks on your door, and he waits.
He unconsciously holds his breath while he waits in that terrible existence of limbo. However, his heart thrums back to life when he hears your footsteps drawing closer to the door. Anticipation, excitement, dread, it all roils together inside him like a bad cocktail as the door swings open.
And he’s once again rendered a bit breathless at the sight of you in that dress. The color alone appeals to him, let alone the way it accentuates your every curve, from full breasts to the swell of your hips, the softer slope of your thighs, and bare toes painted. You’re fucking delectable, every curve, and a temptation without you even meaning to be.
You’re just…you’re still so goddamn beautiful, like the night he first saw you. Even now, he can almost feel the give of your thighs under his hands, his fingers pressed to supple flesh.
But then he’s drawn to your face, and your wide eyes full of surprise. Your mascara is a bit smudged though. Your eyes are red too, like you’ve been crying. His brows furrow in concern.
“Dean, what’re you doing here?” you ask.
“I need to talk to you, but uh…did something happen?” he asks. “You okay?”
You’re reluctant to tell him. Did Benny say something to upset you? Or was it something he did?
“Yeah, I’m okay,” you say.
Instinctively, Dean knows it’s a lie.
“This isn’t a good time though,” you say, after clearing your throat. “Can we do this tomorrow, maybe?”
Dean leans a hand on the doorframe.
“Please, it’s important,” he says. His eyes implore you harder than his words. Please.
That does it. A sigh passes through your lips, but you let him in. He knows Robbie is with your parents for the night, which actually makes this easier.
Once he steps inside the apartment, Dean does notice that your bedroom door is open. Half the drawers to your dresser are open too, and empty. Certain frames that used to be on your coffee table are no longer there, like the one of you, Benny, and Robbie on a camping trip.
“You want some coffee, or soda?” you ask.
Dean declines and grasps your arm before you can busy yourself into “hostess” mode. He leads you to the couch, where you both sit down together.
“What happened tonight?” he asks. “Where’s Benny?”
Your lower lip wobbles, the beginning of your telltale cry face. Dean knows his son gets it from you, and it always breaks his heart. He squeezes your arm gently, trying to ground you.
“Benny proposed to me tonight,” you confess, taking in a sharp breath. “He proposed, and I couldn’t give him an answer.”
You shake your head as the tears sting hot in your eyes.
“He got so upset, he just—he left!” You throw your hands up. “But honestly, I don’t blame him.”
Dean tries to comfort you as you try and fail to wipe at your face. He wraps an arm around your shoulders, cupping your cheek to brush the tears away himself.
“Why couldn’t you answer him?” he asks.
You look up at Dean, and you finally notice the shine of hope in his eyes. Dean touches your cheek more tenderly.
“Does it mean I have a chance here?” he asks.
Despite what your eyes tell you, you still gape at him in shock. “What? But…what about Lisa?”
“It’s over. For good this time,” Dean shakes his head. “I realized what I wanted for my life, and where my heart is…”
And he chuckles weakly. “Truth is, you’ve had it the whole time, sweetheart.”
You begin to crumble all over again. You pull away from him and his touch, because you can’t believe it. You cover your face with your hands, sniffling as you try to make sense of his words, his touch, and the warm flutter threatening to brim happiness in your heart.
“God, Dean. You can't just..."
"I mean it," he insists.
You're still reluctant to take him seriously...no matter how much you want to. It's a conflicting realization that hurts, and makes you feel stupid for taking so long to figure it out, and makes you hate yourself for hoping his words are true.
"Come the morning, you’re going to change your mind,” you reason, without looking at him. “Like you’ve done with Lisa a thousand times.”
“No,” Dean says firmly. He shifts closer and prompts you to look at him, really look at him.
“Not about this, and you know it,” he says, catching and holding your gaze. “That’s why you couldn’t say yes to Benny. Because you know what we’ve got. It’s the real deal.”
You still look uncertain, even though you can’t bring yourself to pull away this time. Dean has always had this way of looking into the very depths of you, like he can actually see every thought as it passes through your mind.
“I should’ve said yes,” you say. “I can rely on Benny. I know he would stay by my side, and…and I know he won’t hurt me.”
Not like I’ve just hurt him, you think. Guilt still pricks at your heart. The last thing you ever wanted to do was lead him on, and yet, that’s what you’d done, wasn’t it? You thought you had loved him. You’re sure that you did, but maybe it just wasn’t the kind of love that could reach down deep and grab you, set your blood on fire, and make you ache when the burn was gone.
That spark licks across your skin when Dean takes your hands.
“What if I want to be that guy for you,” he says.
You allow yourself to look at him. Really look at him.
You know Dean. When he gets an idea in his head, it inhabits every bone and shred of muscle in his body. There’s no mistaking his resolve, or the steady grip of his hands over yours.
“If you let me, I’ll stay. I won’t leave you,” he says. In his eyes, there’s a firm promise. “I can be the guy you rely on. The man you can trust. The man who’s gonna love you, come whatever. Because now I know what it means. I know how it feels.”
You bite your lower lip against the smile that wants to surface.
“Are you sure?” you ask.
Dean smiles for you. “If you wanna know the truth, I’m pretty sure I’ve been loving you since the day I heard Robbie’s heartbeat for the first time.”
Your tears flow harder at that. A shaky breath escapes you, though it does nothing to steady you. Dean strokes your cheek gently with his thumb.
“Please, just give me this one chance,” he asks. Begs, really.
He doesn’t have to though. You nod, just a little.
“Okay,” you agree. “Let’s try.”
Dean's smile spreads slow, but warm across his face. It’s your favorite kind, the kind that crinkles his eyes.
He leans in and claims your lips with his own. The passion of it is familiar, but you don't think it’s the same as five years ago. Now, there’s an underlying note of tenderness in his touch and each new way he tastes you deeper. He holds nothing back this time, and neither do you.
Your fingers tangle in his shirt, and then in his hair as you moan into his mouth. “Dean.”
“Yeah, sweetheart?” he answers against your lips, though he doesn’t give you much room to keep talking.
You haven’t heard him call you sweetheart in a long time. You feel your heart knitting back together, stitch by stitch. Tears sting in your eyes anew, but you squeeze your eyes shut against them.
“I…”
You can’t even continue the breathless thought. You hold his face desperately between your hands, pressing your forehead to his for a moment as you both catch your breath. But this man is like the sweetest, most seductive vice. Now that you’ve gotten another hit, you can’t resist. You no longer want to.
His arms wrap around you more securely, and he leans in to lure you back into his kiss. His tongue breaches past your lips to curl along yours with tantalizing strokes. His hands slowly move down your back and along your waist.
“Mmm, missed the hell outta this,” he groans into your mouth. Your heart flutters again at the way he holds you, the way his big hands squeeze you and feel you.
You let him guide you down onto the sofa cushions. He slots himself between your bare thighs and runs his hand up familiar smooth skin, bunching the skirt of your dress higher as he goes. He aims to get himself reacquainted with every soft part of you that welcomes him back.
For once, the gates around your hearts swing free.
Dean never imagined that his own son would hand him the ring he gives to his wife, but today, it just feels like symmetry. He grins and winks at Robbie.
“Thanks, buddy,” Dean says.
His son’s beaming grin is wide and toothy, but the boy takes his job very seriously and delivers the other ring to you. You smile brightly and caress his cheek after you take the shining, white gold band from him. It matches the thinner band that Dean has for you; it'll soon join the engagement ring that once belonged to his mother.
Robbie had liked Benny a lot, but he loves his dad. He’s probably the happiest person in the room to see his parents take each other’s hands in front of the minister.
Benny is understandably absent in the chapel today. You had met with him after that night of your botched anniversary to apologize to him, and so had Dean. Benny understood. He’d admitted that in the back of his mind, he feared this might happen.
“I wouldn’t blame you for being angry with me,” you said to him. “You can even hate me if you want.” Benny gave you a wry, melancholy sort of smile. “Part of me’s still mad at you, I won’t lie…but there’s no use in it. Not even hating you.”
Even though Benny bowed out, carrying his hurt and his grief on those broad shoulders, letting you go meant letting go of a friend too. He put in his paperwork to transfer out of Firehouse 83.
As he’d told Dean himself that day, and in fact, the last words Benny said to him…
“There you go, Lieutenant. A spot’s just opened up.”
Dean didn’t want to get promoted this way. He felt guilty enough as it was, and not just for Benny leaving the firehouse. Benny recommended Dean to the Chief himself though, saying that if they were going to give someone a Lieutenant’s badge, it may as well be the guy who got a perfect score on his test, and had the natural leadership skills to boot.
To the end, Benny was a gentleman.
Now, Sam beckons his nephew over. Robbie quickly goes to his uncle’s side and puffs his little chest out as he stands proud behind his dad.
Dean is able to take you in, your beautiful white dress, and everything about you that makes him smile…including the way you smile back at him.
Man and wife is all he hears. It’s all he needs to hear, before he’s pulling you closer by your newly anointed hand. He dips you for a thorough kiss in front of all your family and friends.
You squeal in surprise, making Dean smile hard enough for his cheeks to hurt. Giggling hard enough to make you tremble, you raise a hand to caress his cheek. But you give him another real kiss after he guides you back up to your feet.
“I love you,” you whisper against his lips. The words are just for him to hear. Dean pulls back enough to see the truth shining in your eyes. Beautiful.
“Can’t help it, right?” he teases.
You smile in amusement, but you grab his chin and shake it.
“You got me,” you reply. “I really, really can’t.”
Your beaming smile softens. Even though the entire room is clapping and hooting and hollering in celebration, in that moment, all you really see is Dean.
Here in his arms, you know that this is where you were meant to end up. From now on, it’s where you’re meant to be.
AN: From Lisa and Benny to Robbie and everything in between. Dean and the reader certainly aren't perfect in this, but what do you think about how their story unfolded? I truly hope you guys enjoy this one, because I've had so much fun with it. 🥰❤️❤️🔥
So please let me know what you thought! 😘
⋆˙⟡ Keep Reading: The Epilogue
"Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you?"
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Been following for... well like over a decade. Love your wit and your masterly skills with photgraphy and how you explain it in ways we can understand.
But I wanted you to know that you being so open about your life with ME/CFS meant that when I got sick, I was able to recognize what was happening to me. Your blogging saved me from what could have been years and years of doctors and more testing with no answers. I was able to know what to talk with doctors about, some of what to expect, and that I wasn't alone. And I've never said thank you for that, so I wanted you to know- Thank you.
I remember you consistently being a long time supportive follower. Your name always sticks out when you like or reply or reblog. Like waving at an old friend you notice on the other side of the supermarket.
I've always tried to find the balance of openly talking about my chronic fatigue without making it my entire deal. I think that is a big mistake a lot of chronic illness sufferers can fall into. I had to figure out how to live a life despite my condition. And I hope if my story communicated anything to fellow spoonies, it was to do everything possible to find some quality of life. It may not meet your ambitions or what you imagined for yourself, but it's an important part of living with a chronic condition.
It is very fulfilling to hear that my story helped you. That was always my goal. When I started this health journey, there was so little information. They thought I had depression for years and even electroshocked my brain. I hoped I could spare others from a similar experience. And while I'm saddened so many others now have post viral fatigue, it does seem this influx of people has put a new spotlight on these conditions. Perhaps this will lead to new treatments.
I always live my life with the assumption I will not get better. Waiting for the next miracle cure got old very quick. My current strategy is to isolate aspects of my health that I can do something about. I'm going to fix my testosterone. I'm going to fix my diabetes. And I'm going to lose weight so it takes less energy to move around.
I had to make some huge health sacrifices to help my parents in their final years. I feel like I owe it to them to undo that damage and get back to living a life. I hope to also share that journey as I go.
It makes me sad to hear you have struggled with similar things. But stories like yours feel very validating. It can be hard opening up about these things publicly. Especially when faced with nonbelievers who think I want to lie around and watch movies all day. That idea sounds nice until it is your only choice and you cannot make another without terrible consequences.
I'm sorry it took so long to respond, but I appreciate you. I appreciate your long-time loyalty as a follower. And I appreciate all of the support and kindness you've shown me over the years.
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Guys, guys, please—I can't do this. This episode isn't about painting UNIT as some flawless institution under unfair attack. It’s about a deeply flawed system. One that, on little to no evidence of an actual alien threat, invades a small town in full SWAT gear. That’s not meant to be a good thing.
It’s a story where the person in charge literally releases a dangerous creature to prove a point—and that same institution is being targeted by a misinformation campaign. And yet, despite those serious flaws, they do ultimately act to protect people. That’s the tension. That’s the point.
Let me be clear: this is an allegory for COVID and the online grifters and influencers who took advantage of the pandemic to spread hate and gain popularity—and who continue to do so now.
It’s about how institutions—even when compromised, bureaucratic, or short-sighted—still have the capacity to do good. They’re made of people, many of whom are trying to hold the line, trying to save lives, trying to do the right thing while the ground shifts under them.
But those imperfections? They make it easy for grifters to walk in and sell a fantasy. People like Conrad don’t actually want to protect anyone—they want control. And they know how to dress up that pursuit of power in the language of liberation. He says he’s standing up for you, for “truth,” for “the people,” but really he’s weaponizing frustration, anger, and distrust for his own gain.
Conrad always knew aliens were real. He wasn’t trying to expose lies. He was trying to punish UNIT for not recruiting him. That’s it. His whole crusade is built on a personal grudge. He rejects the Doctor’s reality not because it’s implausible, but because he wasn’t chosen.
That’s the core danger here: villains who tell you exactly what you want to hear. Who appeal to your cause, your values, your righteous anger. They frame themselves as underdogs, rebels, visionaries. But when you look closer, their plans are hollow. Destruction for destruction’s sake, dressed up in whatever narrative gets clicks and followers. People saw what they wanted to see in Conrad. Whatever oppressive system they hate, he claimed to be fighting it. He let you project your beliefs onto him—just like grifters do in real life. He made destruction feel like justice.
Ruby drank the vial, Conrad didn’t. That vial was the only thing that negated the Shreek’s vomit-based marking system, and by refusing to drink it, Conrad didn’t just risk his own life—he put everyone else in danger. Just like those that refused to take the vaccine.
And Kate, in releasing the monster, represents those who, during the pandemic, felt frustration and helplessness. She symbolizes the moment some threw up their hands and said, “If they won’t take the vaccine, let them die.” But that mindset didn’t solve the problem; it only escalated it. The monster had already shown it could mark more than one person, and there was no guarantee it wouldn’t strike again. The monster, like the virus, didn’t distinguish between those who made bad choices and those who couldn’t protect themselves. And she released it anyway.
By surrendering to that frustration, she was putting the vulnerable at greater risk, the very people who needed protection the most.
This mirrors the situation with COVID: surrendering to misinformation or personal pride jeopardizes the lives of the vulnerable, children, the immunocompromised, and those without the same choices or protections.
It was only because of Ruby that those consequences didn’t spiral out of control. Ruby didn’t just save lives—she prevented Kate’s breakdown in judgment from becoming a catastrophe.
So no, this isn’t “UNIT good, Conrad bad.” It’s a story about nuance. About how flawed systems can still serve the public good, and how those flaws are exploited by bad-faith actors who don’t care about truth or safety. It’s a warning: be careful who you believe, and why. Just because someone says what you’re thinking doesn’t mean they’re right. And just because a system needs fixing doesn’t mean you burn it all down.
The episode holds up a mirror to us and asks: what do you do when the systems meant to protect you fall short? Do you give up? Do you burn down the establishment, ignoring that it would put people at great danger? Or do you recognize that while the system is flawed, it still has the capacity to do good, and that dismantling it without a plan and without care for who gets caught in the fallout can cause more harm than reforming it ever would? It challenges us to sit with discomfort, to hold more than one truth at once.
Conrad had valid grievances, but his actions still endangered lives. UNIT made mistakes, but it still stood between humanity and annihilation. Rejecting nuance in favor of easy answers may feel righteous, but it often leaves the most vulnerable to pay the price.
That said, I do think the episode would’ve been stronger had the Shreek actually attacked or marked someone else during that final confrontation. Even just one more target could have underscored the point that the threat was indiscriminate—that Kate’s decision risked more than just Conrad. It would’ve made the stakes more immediate, and made Ruby’s choice feel even more necessary.
And yeah—I really hope we get an episode someday that digs into the tightrope UNIT has to walk. How do you hold them accountable without exposing the dangerous technology and classified knowledge they safeguard? But that's not what this episode was targeting.
#And maybe someday#we can also unpack the politicians#The ones who despite having clearance and knowing exactly how dangerous decommissioning UNIT would be#were still willing to fold to public pressure just to maintain their power.#Honestly I want a whole Torchwood style show about UNIT exploring the darker side of the orginization#or strand the doctor on earth again#people would probably hate that though#Ok now back to my usual schedule of silly memes and text posts#sorry for the wall of text#I've been writing this since yesterday#Doctor Who#Doctor Who lucky day#lucky day#Doctor Who spoilers#15th doctor#fifteenth doctor#dw spoilers#spoilers#doctorwho#the doctor#dw s2 e4
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I'm a little annoyed that we never got any answer as to WHY the Ghorman Massacre was Mon Mothma's last straw, honestly. Like, yeah, it's very tragic and horrible, but it is also SO SO FAR from the Empire's first genocide. It literally STARTED with a genocide of the Jedi, and then the Kaminoans not long after, then a slow creeping genocide of the clones, then the Geonosians at some point, then the Lasat. And that's just counting what I can remember from high canon sources and doesn't count the oppression and enslavement of places like Ryloth and Kashyyyk and Lothal.
So why is Ghorman somehow SO MUCH WORSE than all of those other atrocities that it pushes Mon Mothma to not just entirely give up on politics as a way to fix things, but also to abandon her family and potentially put their lives at risk? If she makes herself public enemy #1, there's NO WAY the Empire doesn't immediately go after Perrin and Leida to interrogate them about her and what they did or didn't know about her loyalties and activities. Mon's already framed Perrin's gambling as a reason for the missing funds and now that she's an open rebel, this could easily implicate Perrin as a rebel, too. Leida's marriage to Davo is also involved in that whole affair, which could implicate her, as well, depending on how the Empire wanted to spin it. We get no indication that Mon Mothma is worried at all about what this choice will do to her family or that she has any kind of protections in place for them for the inevitable fallout of all of this.
I wanted to know why she decided it was worth it. Why now? Is it really the Ghorman Massacre or was it something ELSE and the Ghorman Massacre was just a good excuse to leave?
And instead we just get... nothing. Mon doesn't seem to consider her family at all when making this choice, and all she says about why she wants to leave is that she "can't take it anymore" and Bail decides the rebellion could use her leadership. This explains nothing about why this was a turning point for her and why she chooses to leave the way she does despite the consequences it will inevitably have for the people she ostensibly cares about still.
This is obviously a result of the compressed timeline and the time skips, and they're having to just hit the necessary story beats and mostly ignore the rest, and I get that, but it doesn't make it less frustrating for this immensely pivotal moment in Mothma's story to not get the exploration and attention it deserved.
#star wars#andor#sw andor#star wars andor#andor spoilers#sw andor spoilers#andor s2 spoilers#mon mothma#andor critical#sw andor critical
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kerblam pisses me off soooo much because of the complete lack of thought behind it - same as lucky day. the famous 'the systems aren't the problem' line (terrible choice of word, because the doctor is referring to automation and not the system of capitalism) tops off the conclusion of the allegory of the extreme activist, which was poorly handled and makes the whole episode appear to be supporting capitalism anyway. the episode is right to point out that charlie's plan (aka mass murder of kerblam customers) is awful, but doesn't drive home the message that a) he's targeting the technology rather than capitalism and b) if he gets his wish then what? even more people work underpaid menial jobs that have been established as easy to do via automation? which is the end result of the story anyway. the episode does a very good job of pointing out the capitalist system and how damaging it is (particularly the line about how the company is its own security, healthcare etc) but does nothing to fix it - and fumbles the 'people who misuse technology are the wrong ones not the technology itself' message to boot.
ANYWAY. onto lucky day, because they were written by the same guy. overall much better and more nuanced episode that again gets its messaging confused because the writer picked UNIT to function as an allegory for the climate deniers/conspiracy theorists/anti NHS (etc) types to rail against. If UNIT was not so heavily militarised, the episode would read a whole lot better. But yknow, it's hard to disagree with Conrad when he points out that they have a massive Avengers style tower and many many guns and go around arresting journalists (slight aside, he was arrested for something like breaking the peace - I can't quite remember the exact phrasing - when what he was actually doing was basically a misuse of emergency services, which would have worked a lot better alongside the 'I didn't take the antidote' line). and the climax of the episode being the paramilitary government organisation siccing a deadly alien on a guy was... yeah, again unintentional because we all hate conrads guts and sort of want it to happen by that point, but still. and I saw someone make the point that the episode refused to address any of the systems in place/social climate - such as government spending on things other than the systems put in place to help people, the cost of living, struggling healthcare system etc - that would allow people to become radicalised in the way conrad was, which makes sense when compared with kerblam. both point out the flaws in the system and have villains who rail against them in the wrong way - but neither goes so far as to suggest blaming (or, consequently, fixing/abolishing) the systems themselves for the problem they've ultimately created.
i think that's what annoys me about both episodes, to different degrees. they both leave you feeling confused about the message they're aiming for.
#kerblam#lucky day#doctor who series 15#doctor who series 11#dw critical#i can feel myself getting back into dr who though yippee!#doctor who#corvus rambles#pete mctighe#doctor who critical#hope this makes sense
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I saw you dragged Aoyama a bit recently by calling him a traitor coward. I like that. The guy doesn't get roasted enough. What do you think of him? My thoughts are that he's sooooo lucky he lives in a shonen manga with plot armor, because he was only forgiven since nobody died because of his leaks. All of which was entirely outside of his control, by the way. He didn't control if a villain hurt someone. Imagine a world where Muscular walked alongside Toga in the forest. Or if he joined Magne and Spinner's group. Or god forbid, he had a rebreather and stood with Mustard in his gas. If Bakugo had been turned into a Nomu when Shigaraki lost patience with him in a hypothetical worst case scenario alternate universe, Deku would have taken Aoyama down himself. The MHA universe we observe is truly blessed and Aoyama has a guardian angel who carries him on its back.
I do think Aoyama is a victim - a victim of his parents' bad choices and a victim of AFO and did not have a lot of choice in the actions he took.
But this description also fits the villains - the LoV trio are all the product of their parents' bad choices in a way and their upbringing defines their choices going forward.
And in the end, what Aoyama did was endangering everyone and like you say, it was only by luck that nobody died. Still Hagakure and Jirou got into the hospital, Deku got really beat up, Kota almost got killed, Bakugou got kidnapped and everything that came with it (All Might's retirement, BJ's lasting injury, Ragdoll losing her quirk etc.).
So it's not true to say "no harm done". Harm WAS done and what consequence it should have should come down to the law. This is a general problem I have with MHA. The idea of law and justice, of an independent and impartial judge are all missing from it. In my opinion, heroes cannot represent justice if they are above the law. Yet that's all we see. Heroes are not subjected to rules and laws, only public opinion.
Endeavor never gets any kind of process (whether criminal or professional disciplinary) for the abuse he inflicted on his family
There is no investigation into Hawks killing Twice
Nagant chooses her own punishment and decides to hang out in prison but would be free to go
Aoyama is held responsible, he again gets to choose his own form of atonement by transferring to a different school, but even then he's allowed to become a hero
Hawks as HPSC president seems to have a VERY wide berth deciding who gets special treatment.
I don't think that a society where heroes are above the law, while the public is oppressed by it is a good society worth defending. The MLA definitely had a point about it, but it was never explored / resolved in a satisfactory way.
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Rose the bard & Briar the rogue fled the town on stolen horses. Behind them, the flames turned the horizon a dusky pink that would have felt cosy if not for the alarm bells and distant yells.
“What do you think you’re going to name your horse?” asked Briar, “I think I’m going to call this one ‘Sweetgrass’. It’s short for ‘Sweetgrass Swaying Softly in the Meadow.’ He seems like he’s a gentle soul.”
“Asshole.” Rose somehow managed to keep one eye on the road while also glaring daggers at Briar.
“You’re gonna call the horse ‘asshole’? It’s certainly... memorable.”
“Yeah. It’s short for ‘Briar is An Incurable Asshole Who We All Hate’.”
“Is that from a poem? I think I know that one...”
Rose swore under her breath. Then she swore over her breath. For good measure, she swore a little bit in the middle of her breath too.
“Dang, Rose.” Briar let out an impressed whistle. “I haven’t been cursed at like that since we stole the Sin Cypher from the Church of the Twice-Righteous Truth. You mad at me or something?”
Rose swallowed her response. There was bile in her throat. After a moment, she simply said, “I hate it when you get like this.”
Briar’s brow furrowed. This didn’t fit the usual post-caper banter. There was a pattern to moments like this, a poetry of mischief and mayhem by which Briar and Rose let the world know who was really in charge.
“Get like what?” Briar tried to lever the world back into the right shape. “The only thing I’m getting is ‘away with it’.”
“Your actions have consequences, Briar. The head of that guild is powerful and he is serious. He’s going to send assassins after us.”
“I think you mean ‘he’s going to provide us with an enrichment opportunity’.” This was more like it. “I’d say the pros outweigh the cons of these quences.”
“...I don’t want to die, Briar.”
“I- I don’t want you to die, either.” Briar felt a knot of pain begin to tangle in their head. Gods, but they hated sincerity. “I don’t want either of us to die.”
“Then why are you like this? I swear, every time we come across a dangerous evil dickhead, something just… takes you over. You get this awful grin on your face and it’s like you think if you smile wide enough, the grin will swallow the world.”
Briar sighed. Rose was staring at them with eyes wide as skies and heavy as storms. Briar let the mask slide off their face.
The mask underneath was, of course, also grinning. But it was different, where the first grin was a mouth full of knives, this one was lines weathered in a mountain.
“I promise, Rose. I want to live. I do.” Briar swallowed a breath of burning air. “But I want to live *tested*. I want to live despite the world’s best efforts. I want people to throw blades and arrows and hatred at me, and I want to surprise myself when I discover I can survive it. I want to give the finger to the world’s malevolence.”
“But. Why.”
“I guess...” Briar’s eyes were wide and scared. The grin still etched on their face. “I just know I need to know which is more the monster. Which is more wicked. Me or everything else. Me or the world.”
“Briar. It’s… it’s the world. You know that right? The world wins that fight. You are not the most wicked thing in all creation.”
“Maybe not. But, y’know, we all need a goal.”
---
With thanks to the Ko-Fi supporter who submitted the word "consequences" to the Word of the Month club.
Enjoy my stories? Consider supporting my live show! https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/poor-life-choices-at-the-edinburgh-fringe
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Is the brotherhood broken?
Leafs goalie won the Cup with the Panthers as backup last year without starting a playoff game. But team guy, everyone loved him, etc. Incredible story finally getting first chance as starter in Toronto at 31 by accident when the planned starter was injured to start season, and Stolarz played best in league to demand starting job. Been great in playoffs so far.
First game against his boys from last season, Panthers are losing 4-1. Sam Bennett elbows Stolarz in head. Concussion spotter says nothing. A few minutes later he throws up and they pull him. Ends up in ambulance. Turns out probably had first concussion 5 min into game. Also silence from spotter on that one.
Bennett has now caused serious concussions for important players in tight series 3 years in a row (plus a host of others over the years.) This is a playoff “skill” for which he is highly praised. It’s his value add that put him on Team Canada’s roster. It’s why he is largely considered the Maple Leafs’ top free agent target to acquire this summer.
Perhaps because he has now likely ended the playoff hopes of the center of the hockey universe who had good goaltending for the first time in 20 years, there will be consequences. But probably not. He probably points to the first incident where Stolarz was hit by a puck and says he’s not to blame. And gets hired next year by the Leafs. After all, it’s celebrated that Bennett currently plays on a line with the last guy he concussed in the playoffs. Marchand, also a historically dirty player, had no choice but to joke about how trying to seriously injure the other side is a respected part of the game.
The Cup is some magical holy grail. The famous line is win it and you walk together as brothers forever. It’s also lore that to deserve the Cup, you should be willing to kill for it. A current ESPN commercial is about how everyone in the league has dreamed of winning it since they were little and dedicated their lives to it. That’s not enough. You have to be willing to “give everything.” But the lore is hard to square when it requires you to celebrate that someone is willing to kill their “brother” to win it again. Where do we go from here?
#nhl hockey#anthony stolarz#toronto maple leafs#concussion#florida panthers#sam bennett#brad marchand#player safety#nhl#hockey#stanley cup#stanley cup playoffs
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i love talking to my friends who also have shitty parents cause they immediately understand the situation without me needing to explain and it's like "one of those conversations?" "yeah"
#other people try to tell you that it's not that bad or that your parents still love you#and babe that is so far from the point it's a whole other universe#1) love doesn't justify shit#2) if it actively harms you it literally isn't love#it's a shitty behavior society has collectively agreed to call love but it isn't love!!!#3) sometimes your parents just don't love you and you have to keep going and living your life and i don't need a consolation price#I'm actually fine with embracing my right to be angry and acknowledging the limits that aren't being respected#I'm fine with loving myself and demanding my humanity and my identity be respected#I'm fine with being proud of myself#I'm fine with breaking out of the patterns of guilt and blame and people pleasing my parents have insisted i stay stuck in my whole life#i love the life that I've built#and I'm not gonna sit around expecting my parents to suddenly develop the emotional maturity they didn't develop in the past 35 years#i am who i am and that's actually something that makes me infinitely happy#they can take it or leave it#but it's their choice and they have to live with the consequences#alex txt
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peak timsteph to me is like, some situation where they are in the heights of their divorce era, but something happens that gets steph real rattled, and tim doesn't want to comfort her himself but he doesn't want her to be completely alone with it either. so she hears a knock at the door and opens it to find a plate full of steaming hot mashed potatoes. he's nowhere to be found but she knows no one else would've known what her number one comfort food is. the presence of the potatoes means something. so does his absence. who else knows her like he does? it haunts her every time she sees the scars on the nape of his neck. (not that she sees those often. there's a reason he keeps the cowl up and his hair long, these days.)
#rimi talks#it's about DIVORCE baybee!!!!!#like honestly i REALLY want to see steph grappling with the fact that her Need for bruce's acceptance is actually a big thing#and that it was fucked for bruce to use that against her like he did. but also she went along with his plans anyway.#bruce told her to choose between his approval and tim's trust and she chose his approval.#because she tied ''batman's approval'' to her validity and identity as a vigilante. and so it didn't seem like it was even a choice#but with time she realizes that maybe those two things aren't as intrinsically linked as she thought. and. well.#now she has to live with the consequences of that. and it's not FAIR because bruce shouldn't have done that to her to begin with#but it's the situation she's in and she has to live with it and what bruce did to her and tim.#tim#steph#timsteph
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swapping Y/N's with @starriegalaxy!!
i'm still learning magma, so starrie and i decided to draw our moons swapping Y/Ns from our AUs!
if you haven't yet, check out Starrie's Fear Factor AU: https://www.tumblr.com/starriegalaxy/739357795303014400/dca-x-scared-of-animatronics-mascotsreader-au she's got lovely sketches and drabbles and her DCA designs are so huggable!
#fnaf moon#fnaf dca#dca fandom#fear factor au#new do same you au#crab art#mutual's art#jesties collab#digital art#digital art is hard 😂#the ability to undo and tweak forever is dangerous#but this was really fun!#i need to draw himbo moon more#my muscle memory just does not compute his new body#and yes i gave starrie's y/n the snazziest of shoes#she gave me full creative reign (:<#and for once i don't have to live with the consequences of my design choices#it's her problem now /jk
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Calling evil “fun” or “cool” only reflects the ignorance of a world lost in illusion. The message in my post is about exposing the dangers of the flesh, the fallen nature that leads to death, both spiritually and physically.
We often forget, but we need to be reminded — the flesh leads to destruction. The path of sin is not something to glorify. It is a path that separates us from the Kingdom of God. No one who delights in evil can awaken spiritually, for their heart is bound to the world and not to the truth.
If you don’t believe in any higher power, I still invite you to seek the truth. The Kingdom of God is not just a religious concept, it is reality, a realm of eternal peace, justice, and life beyond this world.
But if you’re not seeking that Kingdom, if you don’t care for what is eternal, then naturally, you might not worry about what comes after death. Yet the truth remains, whether we believe it or not.
We all have a choice: to keep living for what is temporary, or to search for what is eternal, to seek not just answers, but the One who gives life.
“There shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts, And saying, Where is the promise of his coming?” (2 Pierre 3:3-4 (KJV))
In this world, many are drawn to the fleeting pleasures of the flesh, but remember, those who love the world will be distant from the Kingdom of God.
The fun is an illusion, a trap.
True awakening comes when we accept the truth, face the consequences of the flesh, and seek the Spirit.
1 John 2:15-17 (KJV)
“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.”
💨💨💨
VICTORY OF GOOD OVER EVIL
Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:21, KJV)
Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it. (Psaume 34:14 (KJV))
“Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.”
Revelation 13:18 (KJV)
666 is the number of man - of flesh, corruption, and material things.
It is the number of carbon:
6 protons, 6 neutrons, 6 electrons.
The very matter we are made of.
This is the wisdom of the world:
shiny, mathematical - It may appear divine, but without the breath of life, it remains spiritually empty - lifeless matter dressed as wisdom…
666 is the mark of power, idolatry, vanity, false glory.
It is not divine - It is dust.
It is known in the world as a mystery, a code, a symbol - in science, in architecture, in secret orders. In the symbols of the elite.
It is In the rites of satanic systems that hide behind light…
And the princes of this world know these divine secrets - but they do not share nor educates.
They hide. They lied.
They enslave minds through false light…
The Word says:
“Let him that hath understanding count…”
How?
Educate thyself. The truth is hidden, but never gone.
It waits in silence - for those who knock.
By becoming a vessel,
By being refined in the fire, tested in the wilderness,
Humbled in the presence of the Most High,
Standing bare and true before the Eternal,
Learning to walk not in the flesh, but in the Spirit.
Amen.
“And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The Lord is my God.
Zechariah 13:9 (KJV)
Educate thyself - as Garvey taught, liberation begins in the mind.
Jah know all things - patient
There is more to come
now
The beast has already lost. The Eternal has already won.💨
The Ankh
It is the breath of life.
reminder: Eternal life conquers carnal death.
Through the Lamb, the veil is torn. Through the Spirit, we overcome.
The Spirit overthrows the system.
“In Him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.”
John 1:4-5, KJV
Good News
Here, To expose the darkness — not to spread fear,
but to awaken us,
so we may rise,
stand upright in truth,
and be made whole again.
“He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.”
Matthew 11:15, Revelation 13:9
“My knowledge is your knowledge for those who still believe in something higher.”
Love,
𓂀 𝒱��𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃 𓋹




#overcomeevilwithgood#overcome#kingdomofgod#spiritual truth#spiritual awakening#truth seekers#lovenottheworld#higher self#higher power#biblical wisdom#bible kjv#kjvbible#kjv#eternal perspective#choosethelight#love#love quotes#cnv#goodoverevil#wakeupsoul#wake up#walk in the spirit#conscious awareness#mental health awareness#spiritual awareness
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My two greatest character flaws are that I'm cranky and lazy.
My third greatest character flaw is the acute lack of compassion for people who smuggle exotic animals (like a serval) into a country where they are illegal (like norway) because keeping one as a pet is 'their dream' and then throw a pity party when said animal is seized and at risk of euthanasia. I'm sorry pal but you did that.
#maybe your ~dream~ to have an animal shouldnt outweigh the health and safety of that animal#just a thought#i feel mostly the same abt people who import illegal dog breeds. regardless of whether i think the law is unfounded#or how hard it is to actually accurately manage#there is no way you went through the hassle of importing an apbt to norway without finding out its a banned breed. that is a choice you mad#so if you had to smuggle a baby african feline. across the goddamn border. only for the authorities to go#'hey. thats not allowed'#then those are the consequences of your actions and not a whole lot else#you can disagree with the rules in the world you live in but that doesnt make you exempt from them#sorry for the animal! the owner not so much.
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Hazel Wells I love you,,,,,
#she's so silly#she's such a good protagonist#i could never hate her#her growth throughout the season#fantastic#her little 'you definitely do' in response to dev saying he deserves to lose his memories actually lives in my head rent free#i love dev#but like#that statement would've sent her spiraling at the beginning of the show#by the end i like that hazel has learned that she can't always fix everything and everyone#people make their own choices#and have to deal with the consequences to their actions#and she obviously didn't mean it badly#if anything she respected dev for saying it#but in terms of growth for her character#EASILY MY FAVORITE SCENE#i love hazel#so much#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents#hazel wells#hazel antoinette wells
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KILL!!!!!!!!!
#my post#this is so mean. why did i make this#but also....... the gun is in your hands now#i'll admit that it's my fault for putting the gun in your hand... however i've no say in what you choose to do with it#will you pull the trigger and accept whatever happens from now on? will you give yourself into the role forced upon you?#no one will know anything if you don't say anything. there will be no consequences or repercussions to this choice#but you will know. and you will need to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life#a gun not fired is like an itch not stratched#in the end i have no control over what you do... but free will is a funny thing#the brain is very susceptible to suggestion... everything we see and experience will remain with us in some way#if that's the case then how much control do we really have in our lives? how do we separate what we really want vs what we're told to want?#things like hunger... desire... they're all things the body asks for. but are they things that we truly want?#or are they merely a mechanism built into us for the sake of survival?#everything blends into everything. your past actions will inform your current actions. you're the only one who's ever lived your life#you're the only one who will ever live your life#little variables and experiences we all share... but the order varies greatly from person to person. everything is just a series of events#the way i see the world is different than the way you see it regardless of how similar they are#what choice will you make now? and how does it differ from the choice you would've made a week ago? a month? a year? does it differ at all?#does free will truly exist? i think it does... but not in the way most people think it exists#you and i... we might differ on that thought. or we might not.#regardless of whatever i've been rambling about right now... refusing to make a choice is still a choice you make. life is ironic like that#does one of them really have to go? that's for you to decide now#i've merely chosen to put the gun in your hand. to make you aware of the possibilities#so i hope you realize what power your choices have#dca fandom#daycare attendant#yeah sometimes i just say things that i think are deep but they're really not#i hope the choices i make have an effect on others. even if it's just one person...#if i can make even just one person think about something they wouldn't have normally thought about then isn't that a win?#life is a series of choices... ''it'd be great if you could see a figure of light by the time you die'' ♡
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[8]
WATANUKI WISH BABY TO FILL THE LAVA LAMP VOID?
WATANUKI BEING BORN OUT OF A WISH TO SAVE SAKURA’S LIFE
WATANUKI EXISTING AS LIVING COLLATERAL TO FILL THE SPACES LEFT BEHIND
AND THEN IN TURN BEHIND LEFT BEHIND ALL OVER AGAIN
Also I’m just. Reeling over the fact that Lava Lamp didn’t know Watanuki at all before this moment. And yet later pre-paid something to Yuuko to keep him alive when he fell out that window.
Just like how Lava Lamp saw Clone Syaoran being born and shoved half his soul in him, hoping that he’d eventually grow enough of his own that he’d become his own person.
Lava Lamp ending up with two sort-of kind-of brothers, and caring about them instantly and wanting them to survive and be their own person, even when he’s so intently focussed on saving Sakura.
Lava Lamp really ripping himself apart to save everyone close to him he possibly can.
#And that’s not even touching on like#Being told ‘ok heres your replacement’#‘Heres the son your parents will love instead of you’#'since you left them behind'#'‘Heres the person living the life you should have lived’#OOF#Gosh the hits just keep on coming don’t they#Liveblogging the reservoir chronicle#Tsubasa#Vol 201#Watanuki#Lava Lamp Guy#Evil WOlverine#AND WOOPS HERE’S THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR CHOICES#YET ANOTHER ENTIRE LIFE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR#This poor fucking thirteen year old just trying to do hsi best#And reality tearing itself apart around him in the process
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