#but it's crazy how when i came out to my internet friend as bi after knowing her a few months her first reaction was yeah sure babes

[m-jay-gee]

so much internalised biphobia among the bi girlies nowadays. not necessarily just girlies. but i feel like largely girlies bc we dont want to feel or seem like we're faking our queerness for whatever reason. like a preference is a preference dont get me wrong it's just so many younger bi girls have a hard time admitting their attraction to men. i am a stellar example before i realised i can be attracted to people without giving a shit. fuck anyone that judges you for that, who said it was their business anyway. men are hot. men are insanely attractive. everyone is pretty and i truly believe it.

[evienyx]

Hey so uh, sorry that this is kinda a personal question and unrelated to what you usually post but you seem really nice and I was wondering how you figured out that you were ace? I’ve been struggling with this myself for a while now, and was just wondering if you had any advice or something. Please don’t feel obligated to respond or anything, I totally get that this is kinda a weird question and might make you uncomfy, so sorry about that in advance. Thanks!

Well, I’m going to start off by saying that everyone is different. You won’t figure it out the same way I figured it out, just like how I didn’t figure it out the same way any of my friends did. That’s all right. Take all the time that you need.

Additionally, I only really figured this out for myself in the last few years, and one day something may happen that I identify with a different sexuality and that’s also okay. This is not a ‘one-and-done’ kinda thing. It’s all right. This is your thing. Yours.

For me, it was around my freshman year of high school that I started realizing that I had never really gotten to that phase where I started obsessing over anyone. Now, in middle school, even though that was the time when a lot of people around me really started going hard into the dating thing, I never did. I skipped a year in school, though, so it would make sense for me to be about a year or so later than everyone else hopping on the hype train of teenhood, but halfway through my first year of high school, it was still pretty mute.

People around me would joke constantly, say things like “Oh, well, once she gets her first crush, everything will change.” I remember distinctly my cousin asking me if I had a crush on anyone, and then me saying no, and then my grandma patting me on the cheek and saying “You just haven’t found the right boy yet.”

So, for most of freshman year, I sort of just accepted what people around me said, that I was a “late-bloomer” and I would one day fall for someone hard and everything would make sense. 

When the end of freshman year came around, I was quite sure that I was just another straight girl, who would get the whole ‘attraction thing’ soon enough. 

As the months went on, though, I realized a few things.

1. Whatever thing was meant to change, didn’t come to fruition.

2. I was perfectly fine and open to dating someone, but I didn’t care about what they looked like. When friends and cousins and the like would show pictures of actors and talk about how hot the actor was, I’d agree, but almost completely on a baseline objective level.

and 3. I was completely uninterested in the idea of sex. I didn’t seek it out, or care about it. It was barely even spared a thought in my mind.

I started thinking that there might be something wrong with me, or that maybe I had felt sexual attraction toward someone, and I just hadn’t noticed. But the further into the year I got, the more I came to recognize the fact that that was not the case. 

I recall on one specific wet day in the late winter of that year, I was walking my dog on the one day the temperatures were slightly decent, and I was just scrolling through the internet aimlessly when I noticed something that caught my eye. It was a post (which I cannot find) of around two dozen pride flags, each with a name and description of the sexaulity or gender identity it represented.

That day, walking the dog through slush that got melting snow stuck to his paws and mud clinging to my boots, as the temperature prepared to drop below freezing for another week, I learned, for the first time, what Asexuality was.

I had seen the flag before, of course, and heard the term ‘ace,’ but I had never looked into it, thought about it. I didn’t think much of it at that moment, either. I just filed it away and moved on to exhale sharply through my nose at whatever ‘Stonks’ meme came up on my feed next.

Quite a while (as in, literal years) passed, though, and I found myself thinking about the idea of ‘Asexuality’ that I had heard about more and more. 

The one thing that really held me back was the fact that I was fine with the concept of having sex with someone, though I was only really interested in doing it for the experience/intimacy, and possibly in the future to have a child, and I thought to myself, “I can’t be Asexual if I want to have a kid. That’s not how it works.”

Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly at all), there was one thing that really did it for me in the end, and that was when Muffin ( @muffinlance ) announced on Tumblr (in a post I cannot find) that she was going to be having a baby.

An asexual (married too, so take that grandma!), having a baby. While still being asexual.

I looked into it, discovered the idea of someone being Asexual Sex-Positive, Sex-Neutral, or Sex-Negative. I found out, truly, about the idea of being Demisexual, or Gray Axsexual. The idea of an Asexuality Spectrum was opened up to me, and I realized suddenly that all of my worries, everything that had been holding me back, didn’t matter. 

My Tumblr bio shortly after changed from ‘she/her’ to ‘she/her, ace’ and it was one of the best feelings in the entire world. I don’t quite think I’ll ever be able to describe to someone who never went through the experience of finally feeling like your belong, if only for that one moment.

(also, currently, I’m of the opinion that I am either Biromantic or Panromantic. I’m leaning more towards bi, but I’m completely open still. I also have still not dated a single person ever, so who knows. That’s not what this is about, just thought I’d mention it)

You should take all the time you need, find what fits you. It’s weird to hear, and it’s hard to do, but I’m quite sure that once you find it, you’ll know it.

Last holiday season, while at a gathering with the more intensely religious and traditional side of my family, a cousin of mine sang “I Kissed a Boy,” by Adele, but changed the lyrics to “I Kissed a Girl,” so as not to appear ‘gay’ in any way, shape, or form. 

I noticed a different cousin of mine looking a bit upset while he sang the song, and so I talked to her alone afterward to see if they were all right, and after just a few minutes of speaking about nothing in particular, he came out to me in a hallway at a holiday party when no one else but me was around. And, in return, I did the same and came out to them.

He was the first family member I ever came out to, and that was the first time I truly told someone my sexuality. I told them I was asexual, and they accepted it and we hugged and it was one of the more exhilarating moments of my entire life.

So, in the end, how did I figure out I was ace?

I just sort of did. I feel I could have done more research earlier than I did, but that’s all right. It all worked out. I figured it out, and I promise you will, too. And if you get it wrong a few times before you get it right? That’s perfectly okay, too.

Anyway, one more additional personal thought about something I noticed that I think is kinda weird:

Muffin and her actions and stuff are so weirdly tied to such random core parts of my life. I published the first chapter of Fractures because I was encouraged and inspired when I saw her own stories. I finally figured out my sexuality and felt like I belonged, like one of those flags was mine, because of her. It’s just a bit crazy to me. Thanks, I guess, Muffin.

All right, that’s about it. I hope this helps, at least a bit. 

I wish you the best, anon, in figuring out who you are. You can take as long as you need or want, you don’t need to stick to a choice. This is your identity. This is yours. Not a single person gets a choice in the matter besides you. Good luck, and remember, you’ve always got me in your corner. If anyone ever gives you shit about this kinda thing, send ‘em my way. I did Tae Kwon Do for two-and-a-half years, and I’m also constantly fueled by spite and Twix bars. We’re all here for you. 

That goes for anyone. Don’t be afraid to embrace who you are. I’m proud of you, we’re all proud of you. This is who you are. Enjoy it.

[thenakedgingerwrites]

Gullible Mike

AN: I’ve had a few prompts on my notepad for years that I haven’t fleshed out and finally got into a creative and horny mood today. Prompt below. I welcome any other authors to take it and run with it to make their own variation on the simple idea. I ended up having the POV be the controller but I think my original prompt idea was that the POV would be controlled. If you use the prompt shoot me a message so I can enjoy your mischievous minds :)

Prompt: “Photo or video gets found of a friend and he has to convince his friend it’s not him by getting naked.”

--------------------------------------------------

The hypnosis show me and some buddies went to a few weeks ago was pretty fun. A few of us had been called up on stage and while it didn’t appear to work on a few invited volunteers, it had certainly worked on Mike.

His instruction was pretty simple: to be incredibly gullible. The hypnotist lady had then gotten him into a number of funny situations by proving just how gullible he was. He had offered a bunch of money to random members of the audience since it was obviously illegal to have more than $2 in your wallet at any time. He talked like a baby to anyone who claimed they were a parent because that was the polite thing to do. And lastly, he had taken off his jeans because the hypnotist thought they were on fire!

The show wasn’t x-rated or anything, so it stopped there, but it was pretty funny to see Mike hopping around on stage in his boxer briefs and polo. The audience’s wolf whistles agreed. Before a heckler’s shout of “I think your underwear’s on fire too!” she had put him back under.

It wasn’t until a few days later that it became apparent to me that Mike was still under this ‘gullible’ command. We had been hanging out just the two of us and watching the Packers v. Steelers game and he was going on and on about how Roethlisberger was going to wipe the field with my team. I jokingly said something like “since you’re clearly in love with him, a good luck kiss might go a long way.”

He somewhat seriously asked me, “you think so?” I figured we were still just razzing each other and so I responded, “Oh for sure. If you plant a big one on the TV when he’s on screen I’m positive that’ll make sure the Steelers win.”

Mike just sat there with a curious face as we continued to watch the game. I thought it was just a weird interaction until the camera zoomed in on Roethlisberger between downs. Mike nearly sprinted to the TV and kissed the image of Ben. “Good luck Ben!” he said, somewhat seductively.

I burst out laughing thinking he was still just trying to be funny. He looked back at me and said, “we’ll see who’s laughing at the end of the game.”

I rolled my eyes and got us another round of beers, but these bizarre actions continued. All through the game anytime Ben was shown on screen, Mike would run up and kiss the TV. Luckily we were at his place so I didn’t care about the lip marks and saliva streaks on the screen but I was flabbergasted. What the fuck was wrong with him?

And then I remembered the hypnotist.

It clicked that Mike was clearly still under the command she had given him. I wasn’t sure what to do about it though. I remembered the bar she had performed at so maybe I could call them to get in contact with her and have her reverse this thing.

Then the Steelers scored and he gloated to me that my team was gonna lose because I didn’t have as much team spirit and loyalty like he did.

“You haven’t kissed Rodgers once and you call yourself a fan? You should be ashamed.”

Really, Mike? That’s how you’re gonna act?

“Well at least I’m not kissing him wrong unlike you. What you’re doing is far more disrespectful. I bet they lose the game since you’re doing it so wrong.”

Mike looked worried, “what do you mean?”

“Everyone knows you don’t fucking kiss the quarterback like it’s your grandma or something. I haven’t seen tongue once this whole game. And your silent ass kiss is probably gonna make him miss every throw from this point on.”

Mike was wide eyed. I wagered that in his warped mind now he thought HE would be responsible if they lost. He looked to the TV in terror. Serendipitously, he actually did botch the pass in the next play. Honestly it was more good defense from the Packers end and less-so a poor throw from Roethlisberger but to Mike, that was the confirmation he needed.

The camera zoomed in on Ben cursing inaudibly and Mike went to work. He was fucking making out with the screen, tongue and all, and moaning a ton. He even ran one of his hands up the screen like he was caressing the dude.

I was filled with mixed emotions. I felt bad that I was taking advantage of the situation, I felt ecstatic because this shit was hilarious and I couldn’t wait to tell the guys, and, scarily, I felt turned on watching him make out with 2D Ben Roethlisberger and moaning louder and louder.

The tent in my gym shorts told me I was feeling the third emotion more than anything else.

We were close to the end of the game and I wasn’t pleased that the Packers had lost but for the first time in my life I didn’t care. The day had made a turn and seeing Mike in this way was a treat I didn’t know I wanted.

He continued to berate me for not caring about the Packers as much as he cared about the Steelers which was an argument I let him win. I was still a bit in a state of shock.

I finished my beer and needed to get home. As I was getting ready to leave, I decided to try something. It was dumb, but at that point I was still thinking with the hard dick in my shorts.

“Alright, Mike, I need to head out.”

“Sounds good Matt. Sorry, I made your team lose. Not!”

I rolled my eyes again, “yeah, well maybe next time I’ll try my own good luck charm.”

He raised his eyes, “What’s that!?”

“Well I’m not going to give you any secrets to let your team keep winning against mine.”

“Ah, fuck you Matt. We’ll win no matter what.”

“Sure, sure. Anyway, should we do the kiss now?”

He looked at me confused and took a step back. “The what now?”

“You know, the goodbye kiss.”

He still looked at me like I was crazy. I started to get nervous but doubled down, hoping it would work.

“When two friends watch a game together, they have to kiss after it’s over to show there’s no hard feelings. Have you honestly never heard of that rule?”

He shook his head, “No I… I guess I haven’t. I’m sorry, Matt.”

“Shit, I hope you haven’t pissed off any of your other friends.”

I could see panic in his eyes as he thought through how many times he had botched this gentleman’s rule before.

“It’s probably fine, Mike,” I assured him. “You didn’t know. I’m sure no harm done.”

“Fuck. I hope so.” He looked up at me, “Well I won’t fuck up from now on, that’s for sure!”

He walked up to me and kissed me.

It was so quick and I was on cloud nine with the realization that it had worked that I just stood there for a second.

He looked at me curiously and asked, “We good?” I blinked away my shock to continue the game, “Is that how you kissed Roethlisberger? I thought we were actually friends, dude.”

“Oh, shit sorry!”

I didn’t even need to coach him on what I wanted. He leaned back in and planted his lips on mine but this time, began to invade my mouth with his tongue. As he did he rubbed my back and began to moan. This time, I kissed back.

My arms also stroked up and down the small of his back and I even risked a single rub down onto his butt. Man, was it hot. If he felt my boner pressing up against his thigh, Mike didn’t say anything.

We kissed hot and heavy like this for a good 30 seconds before he broke away.

“Sorry, Matt. I’ll be sure to give a proper kiss moving forward.”

“Yeah… Yeah.”

I was at a loss for words.

I should leave.

I should.

I didn’t.

I’m not sure why it came to mind but I was running on autopilot at this stage controlled entirely by the dick in my shorts. I wouldn’t identify as gay or really even bi, but I had been curious for a bit what it would be like to be with another guy. Mostly like a morbid curiosity or something, but now that there was a real opportunity on the table, with someone I trusted and who was pretty freaking hot, I couldn’t resist the temptation to get it out of my system.

“Oh fuck, dude.”

I looked down at my phone as I exclaimed that.

Mike looked at me, “What’s up? Everything okay?”

“I think your ex leaked dick pics of you.”

“What?!” Mike shouted and ran over to my phone to try and get a look.

I hid my phone from him quickly and covered myself by saying “wait, Mike. You don’t want to look at these in case it’s not actually your dick. That would make you gay if you did.”

He quickly backed off, “I’m not gay!”

“Right, right. Me either. But I didn’t have a choice, I had to look at them but you don’t have to.”

“Okay, yeah. How the fuck would she have done that though? I don’t remember her even taking them!”

“I’m not sure, Mike,” I said. “Maybe she took them when you weren’t paying attention.”

“Fuck, are you sure it’s me?” he asked nervously.

Gotcha.

“Well, I’m not sure. The only way I could know for sure would be to see your dick to compare.”

Mike looked confused, “Well that would be pretty gay dude. I don’t want you looking at my junk and I’m sure you don’t either.”

“Well of course not, but chances are I’m already looking at it right now. But I’m willing to do this as a friend, and that wouldn’t be gay. And if it’s not actually your dick then you don’t have to worry. If it is, we should report them and try and get them taken down.”

“Fuck. Fuck! I don’t want dick pics of me out there on the internet!”

“I know! Think about if your work found them, or your family! That would be so embarrassing!”

“Shit shit shit.” Mike was freaking out. “Okay… Okay, are you sure you don’t mind helping me out?”

“As a friend, I have to do everything in my power to confirm whether these pics are of you or not.”

“You’re such a good friend, Matt. I’m sorry you’re in this position though.”

Oh, no worries.

Mike hesitantly started to undo the button on his cargo shorts. He didn’t strip in any sort of sexy way but a second later his cargo shorts hit the ground. I was staring at a similar image as last week: Mike standing there with nothing but a shirt and underwear. This time though, his hands were reaching for the waistband.

“I’m sorry,” he said to me one more time.

I went to say ‘no problem’ but got caught off by the shucking of his boxer briefs. As he stood back up I finally got to see it. The whole package.

Mike clearly didn’t manscape much and honestly neither did I, but that didn’t hide what he was packing. His soft cock was cut like my own and pretty thick. I knew not to judge a guy based on his softie but wagered he was large. And as a double bonus the balls below, while tight to his body, looked pretty big too.

I stared.

“Well?” Mike asked me cautiously with his palms extended, miming ‘what do you think?’

“I… I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean?” he asked me.

“Well, Mike, this is awkward… but the photos here are of a hard dick. It’s difficult to know for sure if this is you or not comparing the two.”

“Fuck man! What are we gonna do?”

“I’m not sure,” I replied.

I wanted him to come up with the solution. Somehow that made me feel less like a terrible person and friend.

“I hate to ask…” he started. “But, would you be willing to look at my stuff if I went and got a boner?”

“Man, Mike… I mean. Like I said, as a friend I basically have to. It’s my duty, as everyone knows. So yeah, I’ll compare your boner to the pictures.”

He sighed in relief. “You’re the best, Matt.”

He looked around, “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it up though given the situation…”

Time to test this hypnosis. I planted a seed. “Well, I heard that in this situation I’m supposed to be the one to get you hard.”

“What? Where did you hear that?”

“Greg, my buddy from work, told me a year or so ago. This same thing had happened to a friend of his.”

“Fuck, really?”

“Yeah,” I said. “And I asked him if that was gay or anything.”

“That’s what I was wondering too.”

Mike was falling perfectly into my made up scenario. “Yeah, but Greg assured me that it isn’t. Literally anything I have to do to make sure you’re good isn’t gay. It’s just being a good friend. But he told me that his friend couldn’t get himself hard because boners look different when you get it up versus when someone else does.”

“Really, I’ve never noticed before.”

“Me either, but I guess that’s because I don’t really notice dicks, you know?”

He nodded his head eagerly. “Right, right.”

“So, I guess, I’ll have to get you hard. That’s like the only way I’ll be able to tell for sure.”

“Damn. I’m so sorry, Matt.”

“Honestly, don’t worry about apologizing. I’m just happy I can hopeful help to confirm you have nothing to worry about with these photos.”

“Thanks man!”

He looked around the room a bit awkwardly. “Should we uh.. Sit down or something?”

I pointed to the couch. “Yeah, why don’t you sit there.”

He did as instructed and spread his legs out. He hadn’t bothered to cover up at all this whole time and as he sat down and reclined a bit, his soft dick fell to one side of his thighs.

I timidly knelt down in front of him. He watched me. Now just inches from me was the first dick I had really ever seen up close besides my own. Gym showers don’t really count. This was entirely different.

I reached my hand out. I was no longer nervous that I would get caught or something because it was clear I could do anything with Gullible Mike at this point. I was just nervous about how much I was going to like this.

My fingers touched flesh. The soft skin of Mike’s cock was warm and spongey. I sort of just played with it in my finger tips for a few moments before palming it. As I started my slow strokes to bring Mike Jr. to life, I looked up at Mike Sr.

He was watching but was clearly embarrassed. He was blushing profusely. I probably could have spared him with some command, but I decided against it. It was fun to watch him squirm a bit.

He slowly began to inflate and as he did I took note of his balls with my other hand. They were indeed large. Larger than mine at least. Mike clearly didn’t shave them but there wasn’t much hair. Mostly up near where they met his body. I lightly massaged them, earning me the first moan from Mike.

He had leaned his head back, no longer watching the action. Perhaps he was imagining some girl doing this to him. Perhaps he was just enjoying the experience as much as I was.

My hand was now grasping onto firm meat. His cock was at full mast. Finally I had him beat somewhere. His dick was probably only about 6 inches hard, maybe a little smaller actually. However, he still had me beat in girth. I continued to stroke him for a bit when Mike finally spoke up.

“I think I’m fully hard now. Can you tell if the pics are of my dick or not?”

I pulled out my phone, letting his dick fall back onto his belly with an audible ‘smack.’ I pretended to compare the imaginary pics up against his dick.

“Hm, mind if I take some photos of the same angle so I can compare them side by side?”

“Umm…” he bit his lip.

“I’ll delete them obviously.”

“Oh yeah, sorry, that’s fine.”

I took a myriad of photos for my own personal entertainment. Some close up, some showing all of Mike including his face which was still flushed. I even took a secret video of me holding his dick upright and stroking it a bit.

“So, I’m feeling more confident that it may not be your dick.”

“Oh thank god!”

“But, there’s a few things that are still off.”

Mike was worried again, “like what?”

“Well… the photos of the dick are kind of… wet.”

“Wet?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Like, your ex had just given you a blowjob or something.”

“Fuck. Is there that much of a difference with a bit of saliva on it?”

“Surprisingly yeah. It’s hard for me to know for sure. Unless…”

“Unless you…?” He asked.

I feigned hesitation. “I think I have to blow you.”

“Matt, no, that’s too much. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“Mike, you don’t have to. You’re one of my best friends.”

“Seriously, Matt. I’d rather just have my dick pics leaked. I would feel so bad asking you to do that for me.”

“No, I’ve made up my mind. This is for you, Mike!”

Without letting him try and talk me out of it, I brought his dick to my mouth.

“Oh fuck! Mmmm” Mike no longer protested.

Being the first blowjob I’d ever given, I didn’t get much in at first. Maybe two inches of his thick cock. But as I continued to bob on it, I got past the halfway point.

Mike’s dick tasted great. There was a fleshy, salty taste that I’d expect from skin like when I’ve licked my fingers in the past after getting food on them or something. But there was also an extra flavor that I realized must be his pre.

In under a minute, Mike was moaning loudly. He even placed a hand on the back of my head. Not forcing me down his dick or anything, but he kindly rubbed and played with my hair as I sucked him.

I hate to admit it, but I loved it. I don’t think I could say I wasn’t bi anymore.

I continued to nearly gag on his thick tool when he interrupted me to say, “Matt, I think you should stop. If you go any further I might fucking cum.”

I stopped to look up at him and deliver my last line, “I didn’t want to mention this, but the pics also had a video of the dick cumming. I think that’s the only way I’ll know for sure.”

“Matt…”

Mike was fully flushed both from the seemingly great blowjob I had been giving but also the idea that he was asking his friend to make him cum. He was so embarrassed.

“You don’t have to ask me, Mike. I want to. You’d make me into a bad friend if you didn’t let me.”

“Well, you are a great friend.”

“So it’s settled.”

I went back to work.

“Fuck, Matt…”

It honestly didn’t take long. I hadn’t gotten to the point where I could take his whole dick in my throat; I’m not sure how gay guys do it. But I got probably 4 or 5 inches down when I felt his ball sac start to tighten up.

“Matt, I’m gonna cum.”

I wanted to taste it but I also got a little gun shy and scared. This was maybe too much for my first gay experience. I released his dick from my mouth and began to stroke him instead. Eight strokes later, his thighs flexed and he grunted.

Mike wasn’t a shooter like myself but fuck did he cum a lot. The first spurt actually shot out a couple inches onto his abs. The next four were just gushes that flowed out and down his dick onto my hand but it was a ton. Then he dribbled more and more for a minute or so as I continued to stroke his slowly deflating cock.

“Wow, Mike. That’s a lot of cum.”

“Haha, thanks. I feel terrible for putting you through this though. I’m a fucking asshole.”

“No you’re not! And, now that I’ve seen you cum, I’m positive these dick pics aren’t of you.”

“Really?!”

He shot up in excitement which caused his semi-hard dick, covered in cum, hit me the face. I fell back in shock and he quickly knelt down to make sure I was okay.

“Shit, sorry Matt! Oh fuck, I got my cum on your face.”

I could feel the warm liquid on my cheek and bit on my mouth.

“Well you know what they say,” I said with a laugh.

“What?”

“You know, ‘if you get cum on a guy’s face, you have to clean it off with your tongue.’”

“Shit, I had no idea. Matt you seem to know so much.”

“Oh I do. I’ll be sure to keep teaching you.”

We shared a laugh before he leaned in.

[imonthinice]

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 12/?

Word Count: 4.4k

Author’s Note: Y/N - Your Name, A/N - Any Name (Your Best friend’s name)

God idk what i’m doing with this but i’m liking it lmao

next one might honestly be smut idk

Warnings: Violence, Swearing, Description of Blood, Gets heated, hints at trauma, no beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

Y/N walked through the streets of Gotham, which were once bustling with people, but now were quiet with the occasional hooker, she had caught the city as an unlively hour, where it seemed to sleep the night away while the vigilantes of the area watched it like their lives depended on it. In some ways it did, the stories they would tell when being interviewed were horrific sometimes, but Y/N figured a decent amount of it was for dramatization, to keep the people of Gotham off of the streets to protect them all from it.

The question was always protect them from what, and they never answered. So, it never kept the people of Gotham at bay from the streets at night, and had Y/N’s car not been towed, she would have been driving home in the safe, secluded area of her car, not the vast wilderness of the streets of Gotham.

She looked up at the sky to see one of the virgate boys using a grappling hook to fly to the other building, which was such a sight to behold for someone who never witnessed a superhero beyond Superman at home. She wished and longed to know more about the vigilante, but didn’t dwell or dote on that man, because she didn’t need to.

Something told her that he was watching though, tracing every step she made to make sure she got home in one piece. She thought she was crazy, her life didnt matter more than anyone else in Gotham. He’s not following me, why would he? she thought, Even though I’m dating Jason Todd, they probably don’t know Jason, so my life doesn’t mean much more to them than any one of the hookers along this street. I’m overthinking it.

The walk home took two hours, she left Jason’s at 4am just to find herself back home at 6am, bright and early as the sun rose, ready to greet the day and all it had in store for everyone. But the things it had in store for Y/N was a class and if she was lucky, cuddling with Jason. Nothing more, nothing less.

She would open her front door, unscathed from the journey home, except maybe for a few callouses on her feet, it was the last time she wouldn't pay for more than a day of parking, that’s for sure. Heels were not the shoes you wanted for a two-hour walk home in the Autumn cold, but they were what she had.

She thought about what she was going to do next, and the first thought she had was to shower. Not because she needed to, but because she wanted to nurse the terrible headache she had and to think some things through. What she normally did in the shower.

She wanted so much more from so much of her life. the main offender of seemingly not being enough for her was Jason. Not because she didn’t want more, but because she craved more from him. He was injured, so she wouldn’t get much more rom him for the time being, and it stung a little for her. She just wanted him, maybe sexually, maybe in a more romantic setting or maybe just on her couch on a Thursday afternoon. It was all three of those options and she knew it.

She pulled out of the shower and looked at the time, 6:50am. Okay, she thought, little more time than I wanted to spend in the shower, but I guess the universe had different plans for me today. What else do you have for me, universe? And how much of you plan involves Jason?

She would open her phone after quickly getting dressed. While she still cared for her appearance, she didn’t want to dress like she owned a law firm every day, so she didn’t. Just black jeans and a black top and she felt like a million bucks. 

Just some quick outfit inspo. I like doing these a lot. I think fashion is funky :))

Artemis had sent her a message asking where she was at around 4am, she wondered why the time, but she then remembered that Artemis’ boyfriend worked with Dick Grayson, who was Jason’s brother, who worked most nights until radical hours of the night. The chances that he saw her on her two-hour walk home was high, but the chances that that had also made it back to Jason was higher. She knew she was in for it.

Hey sorry, I was at Jason’s. Fell asleep in his arms the whole shebang. And yeah, that was me who screamed the yo momma joke at the press. It was super childish, I know, but I don’t care. Those fucks are sucking my life force out of me and harassing my boyfriend, even your boyfriend.

She would then look at the articles calling her a gold digger and worth-nothing childish insulter of the press. She laughed. If the press wanted a fight from her, she was more than willing to oblige and load the canons. 

She didn’t know how to fight back that well, since it was a mainly verbal fight, and she barely even knew how to  fight physically, hence all the running and non-confrontational arguments she had had to the press.

And like fucking clockwork, Jason texted her.

Did you walk home alone or are my brothers lying bastards?

I walked. I knew someone saw me, fuck.

Why did you walk home? I thought you drove here?

I did, but we spent more than 12 hours together Jason. I didn’t buy enough hours, suddenly my car was being towed.

You could have asked for a ride home from Alfred! He would have in a heartbeat.

I was going to! But  I got distracted and it all became a blur and suddenly I was part of the way home in the dark by myself!

What if you had gotten hurt?

Well, I saw one of the vigilantes of the city on the rooftops, I’m sure if I screamed they would have seen me. They always do see that stuff.

So, your car got towed huh?

Yeah, I don’t know when I’ll be able to pay it off. It’s not exactly like money my parents give me should go to my car getting towed because I got fucked over by seeing my boyfriend. 

You’ll figure it out. Sorry about the car, that’s got to suck fucking ass.

You think? I’m stuck taking the fuckin’ subway till I get my car back. I hate the subway, too many people. Far too many people. Too many eyes. It gets stressful really quickly. Might just walk every where honestly, I can’t deal with the eyes of strangers.

But you’re a C-list celebrity.

Internet is different. I can just block the bad eyes and move on with my life, you should see my block list now that some people are connecting my name to the girl who flipped off the press, thank god Twitter has a fuckin block feature.

You should really just meet my family so you don’t have to run away before they get home, would probably cause you a lot less financial stress, Y/N.

I’ll think about it.

You should think a little harder about it. I don’t want you to get your car impounded ‘cause you’re seeing me, why did you even park in pay-to-park?

Did you not see the massive mob trying to get to you? It was impossible for me to even try to pull into the driveway. Hence why I’m being insulted, you know, ‘cause I yelled at the press to get them to leave me alone. I fucking hate the press, you’re stabbed, severely injured last time they got information, and they’re harassing me, asking me what I like to do on the weekends.

Fucking vultures. Yeah, I’ve seen that. I’ve read the articles. But that’s the press for you, absolute trash and spitting bullshit in everyway.

Fucking hate the press, that’s for damn sure. Despise them. I won’t ever change that, even if, knock on wood, we break up.

Praying we don’t break up so I can see you lose your shit at the press when you’re bored.

She would get up to go make some coffee, since it was closer to 7:20am and if her roommate woke up, she could just tell her to get up anyway.

The press can suck my dick. she said.

You have a dick?

Oh yeah. Massive. 20ft long. It probably won’t even fit all the vultures.

Oh my god, that’s not as big as mine.

lmfao is it now?

Oh yeah.

Nice.

Anyway, my brothers are staying home from school today,  I think they’re making me play Resident Evil 8 with them? You know that game?

Of course. Everyone in that game is infinitely hot.

Are you bi? 

I don’t know. Haven't thought that far ahead to actually label myself. I just like people. Sometimes it’s men, sometimes it’s women. But you have to agree when you see them all. That game came out when I was still in  high school, so I’ve played the entire thing. My phone background is actually one of the characters.

Which one?

I’ll show you if I come over tonight.

My brothers might be in my room, though.

Okay, but, RE8 is an amazing game. So, worth it.

You won’t meet them normally but I pull out a game you love and you’re down?

I’m very easy to convince.

You still have notes to write when you come over though.

Oh yeah, I was probably going to have to come over both ways, just because I need those notes and you do too.

Do you not own a printer?

I barely even own a laptop, I’m waiting for my old one to come in the mail. 

How do you even manage?

With a whole lot of will and spite, anything is possible.

And that’s when her discord group chat @’ed her. She was on Do Not Disturb because she was Jason, and apparently they missed her.

Y/N! C’mere. One said.

Yes? Whatduhya want nerds?

We’ve decided to hold a fake internet wedding between you and Christopher. Another said.

A what.

We’re getting married!

Sometimes I wish I never left Metropolis and then I remember you fucks live there. Why are we doing this? You do know I have a boyfriend right? She asked them.

I don’t know, we’re bored and we miss you. We can have a bachelorette party in Gotham, if you want.

I’m this close to going back on DND.

The group chat was made way back when they had all first met in grade 9 and had been active ever since. They all had stayed in the city when they graduated though, but since Y/N received a scholarship, fully paid for, she took the opportunity and jumped.

They were some of her closest friends, even if they lived in a different city to her now, even if they were all busy with school, even if she was busy with school and a boyfriend, A lot of her life wouldn’t be complete without her crack friends in her hometown.

They had all ben partying like crazy while she was gone, and if she wasn’t so hung up in her own life, she’d probably be down there with them. 

Before you do, can you please explain why you’re screaming at the press, lmao.

Because fuck the press, dude. Why else? 

What did they do to you?

Have you seen the recent articles?

That’s true.

She laughed and finished her coffee. Jason had not responded yet, she assumed his brothers were either checking on him or they had started the game. It was around 8am when A/N finally left her room.

“I thought you were staying with Jason?”

“I was, but then I remembered he has like 9 siblings and I’m not about to meet them all. Then I walked home.”

“You walked?”

“Car got towed.”

“Fuck, can you afford the bill? I can’t.”

“Nope.”

“Guess we’re going to take the subway for a while, huh.”

She sighed and put her cup in the sink, “At least you don’t have school to go to and your lover comes to meet you, I have shit to do and places to be,” she frowned, “Inconvenient.”

“Could you borrow money from Jason’s dad?”

“I don’t borrow money from family, it’s hard enough for me to accept the money my parents send me.”

“I know it is, when’s your class?”

“3pm, I’ll be leaving at 12pm though, because the subway is unreliable.”

“This is going to be a hard hit for us.”

“Well, it’s not like it’s fucking your credit. Mine’s tanking.”

“You’ll pull through it.”

-------------------------------------------

She got onto the subway at 12:30pm. She really hated the way it was running. The people, the faces, the staring eyes of unwanted attention. People knew who she was and she hated it. She didn’t like the attention, she just liked the fucking with people. She wanted to get off the subway the minute she got on.

She eventually couldn’t take it and got off a few stops away, there was still a substantial walk towards the college, but she knew it would be. She even brought a leather jacket with her so that she could walk if she couldn’t take it anymore.

And there she was, in the busy streets of Gotham, walking to her college. Barely aware of the people who did stare at her, because she just kept walking, lost in her thought but aware of the people in her trail, the cross walks and the lights she was waiting for occasionally. She just kept walking until Artemis met up with her,

“Hey! I didn’t know you were walking to school today,” Artemis said.

“Oh! I didn’t want to, my car got towed though.”

“Your car got towed? That sucks so much. Well, we’re going the same way, so I’ve decided I’m going to walk with you, you get no say.”

“Of course. I was going to ask if you wanted to,” she laughed, “It’s more fun with a friend anyway, Art.”

“So, how are things with you and Jason, I’m legally obliged to ask as one of his friends.”

“Well, we made it official if that’s the kind of thing you want to hear,” she laughed again, “I’m sure it’s the answer Dick will eat up.”

“You’re right about that one. Dick’s a sucker for a romantic story, you should write one, since you write. He’d probably read it all.”

“Well, that would be fun, but I still don’t have my laptop.”

“You could use Jason’s?” Artemis suggested..

“Nah. It’ll be fine,” she said, “I’ll manage.”

“Aren’t you collecting notes for him for your psychology class?”

“I am, it’s not like he can go anywhere. I actually told him he’d need to walk eventually so that it’s not a learning curve when he’s healed.”

“That’s what all of us are telling him too, he’s a stubborn man, good luck with that one,” Artemis laughed, “He’s always been the stubborn friend. Worse than Will, actually, and Will is really bad with being stubborn.”

“It’s fine,” she laughed, “If you asked any of my Metropolis friends they’d say the same about me.”

“I bet you were quite the wild child in your heyday back in your city,” Artemis laughed, “I hate Metropolis.”

“Who doesn’t? It’s so crowded.”

“Uh, Clark doesn’t. He thrives there, no idea why, he grew up in Smallville. If anyone should be uncomfortable with Metropolis it should be the small-city country boy, but I guess it’s his thing.”

“I forget you know everyone.”

“We know a lot of people, are you’re slowly being let into our massive circle of very well-known people. Welcome to the group, I guess,” she laughed, “You'll either hate or love the fame that comes from this.”

“Well, if its paparazzi and press, I think I’ll hate it.”

“I can promise you right now that it’s not all paparazzi and press, we haven’t been bothered today, probably because we are on the move.”

“You shouldn’t say that, you’ll jinx it.”

“I know a lot about not jinxing it, but that’s a story for another time,” Y/N noticed that when Artemis said this her eyes glazed over and she looked upset.

“You don’t ever have to talk to me about something you’re not ready to talk about,” Y/N reassured her.

“Hey, the trauma makes me funny.”

“Two can play that game.”

They would ramble on for the rest of the walk to their college. Nothing really of substance, just getting to know each other further. She was glad she found a friend in Artemis, it would have sucked if the two of them didn’t get along, but with each word they exchanged, they had so much fun.

She even told Artemis about that time she played Katherine Howard in her school’s budget play of Six - The Musical. She was proud of the riffs she was able to do, but she didn’t talk about it often. She was never the type of brag about her achievements, no matter how amazing they were.

But Artemis and Y/N parted ways and Y/N went to her class and wrote the same, boring, scribbly and barely legible notes. She figured eventually she’d need nicer handwriting, but did she want to work on it? No.

When she finished, she saw Artemis and who she could only assume to be Wally, at Artemis’ class doors. She waved to Artemis, before Artemis called her over.

“Y/N! Hey, I would ask how class is, but this is Wally,” she gestured to the red-head boy beside her, and Y/N held out her hand to shake Wally’s.

“Hi, Wally.”

“Y/N. It’s nice to meet you since Jason can’t shut up about you and my girlfriend likes you a lot.”

“Well that's sweet of you Artemis. You’re just so in love with me,” Y/N joked.

“Girl. You know it,” Artemis joked back.

“You two already have a close bond? That’s impressive,” Wally said, “Never seen anyone win over any of my friends this quickly,” he muttered.

They joked for a little while longer, just getting to know Wally before she had to go, she had to get to Jason’s.

The walk was a while away, so she went and sat on a park bench for a minute to check her phone, Jason had texted her.

Hey baby, are you coming over?

I am, yes. I actually just met Wally.

You met Wally and I wasn’t there to see it? C’mon.

Artemis introduced us! Go yell at her.

Oh. Never mind. I won’t do that.

Ha! Scared of her?

Maybe a little, she can be scary, okay?

You can’t tell but I’m laughing at you.

Dhmu.

That’s fine, I’ll just go hang out with Alfred and not you. He seems like he would be spiteful like me.

That’s unfair.

I thought you said don’t hit me up?

Fuck.

Checkmate.

I am upset.

No you’re not.

No I’m not.

She would walk down the street further, maybe within a couple steps to reach the Manor, when a man dragged her into an alleyway. She yelped.

“Uh, hello? Can I help you?” she asked, pretending she wasn’t terrified.

“How much would Bruce give me for you?” the attacker mumbled before he tried to knock her to the ground, but she had another plan.

He grabbed her, put his face close to hers, and she head-butted him, he would stumble back, and she started running to the Manor.

“Come here you fucking bitch!” he screamed. She could feel her nose bleeding as she ran and ran, the security saw her and pulled her into the gateway before drawing their guns and urging her to run to the steps of the Manor.

And she ran. The security at the door saw her and let her in, and yelled for Alfred.

“What is this nonsense, oh,” Alfred paused when he saw the blood running out of Y/N’s nose, “Miss Y/N, what happened to you?” he asked before grabbing her hand and pulling her into the entry-way bathroom and opening a first-aid kit.

“Okay so, what happened was I was walking to the Manor because my car got towed right? And this fucking bastard dude pops out from an alleyway and pulls me into it, asks some bullshit about how much Bruce would pay for me, when he grabbed me and tried to knock me down, when I head-butted him and started running,” she said, completely unphased.

Alfred didn’t respond to her and started to stop the bleeding when Bruce called for him, “In the entry-way bathroom, Master Wayne!” he answered.

Bruce came around the corner and saw Alfred was already tending to Y/N, “Well, this is the event where I meet my son’s girlfriend, when she is bleeding and running from a strange man in an alleyway.”

“Heh, sorry,” she said and outstretched her hand to shake his, “It’s nice to finally meet you, Bruce.”

“I can tell you’re going to be quite the addition to this household,” he said as he took her hand and shook it, “As long as you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

“That’s good. I guess you can’t get mad at Jase for being a reckless man now.”

“I really can’t.”

“Alright, you should be good, Miss Y/N.”

“Thank you, Alfred. But you really didn’t have to.”

“I’ve been taking care of 5 boys and 3 girls since most of them were little, Miss Y/N. A little blood is really no big deal for me to handle.”

“That’s obvious.”

“You can go see the boys now, they’re going to ask you though,” Bruce said.

“I know.”

She walked to Jason’s room, hoping that he wouldn’t have all of his siblings in the room, he did though.

“Hey, Y/N- what the fuck happened to you?” Jason exclaimed when she opened the door.

“Oh great, all your siblings are here. Anyway, I guess,” she paused, taking in a big breath so she could run through the events quickly, “So I was walking here ‘cause my car got towed, right? When some fucking bastard man grabs me and yanks me into an alleyway and starts going off about how much Bruce will pay him to get me back or something,” she paused again, “And when he tried to knock me down by getting really close and personal to my face, like an idiot I should add, I head-butted him.”

“You did what?’

“I’m not done yet, met your dad when I actually had blood running out of my nose because that's just my fucking luck. Okay, now you can be disappointed in me,” she joked.

“I will say again, you did what?”

“Something stupid?” she said.

“You could say that again, my god, what went through your head?”

“Uh, nothing. Just survival. Fight or flight but I head-butted a man, and hi, everyone.”

“Hi, Y/N, I’m Dick,” Dick said, “You clearly are meant for Jason,” he joked, “That's something he would do.”

“Don’t encourage her, Dick!”

Stephanie got up and greeted her, “You know, Y/N, I always wanted a crazy sister,” she joked, “I’m Stephanie, the black-haired girl is Cass, and the red-head is Barbara.”

“Me too,” Cass hopped onto the joke.

“It’s something else when you meet the girl your brother is dating after she head-butted a man, apparently,” Y/N laughed, “I know it’s far-fetched-”

“Not really,” Tim cut her off, “You know Jason protected Will when they were attacked?”

“That’s Tim, by the way,” Dick said.

“So you can’t yell at me for head-butting a man!” Y/N joked at Jason while going to sit beside him, he slinged an arm around her shoulder and leant his head into her head.

“Well, you seem like a nice enough girl,” Barbara said, “Take away the reckless behavior, and you are lovely.”

“That is valid, to be honest. Not exactly the way you want to meet your brother’s girlfriend.”

“You think?” Jason asked, sarcastically.

“Ha ha.”

“See, she thinks I’m funny, why can’t you fucks?”

Y/N laughed and then asked Dick, who was playing RE8 at the time, staring at the photo of Donna Bentiveno, “She’s cute, isn’t she, Dick?”

“Have I been staring?”

“Let’s just say Angie is probably very pissed at you.”

“Oh! Whoops. There’s a point to this, I forgot.”

“I don’t blame you, I remember forgetting there was a point and the little bitch devil doll would attack you.”

“Language.”

“Oh no, you’re lame. Gross.”

“Excuse me?” Dick asked as the rest of the room erupted in laughter.

“Do you guys see why I like her now?” Jason asked.

“Uh no, she’s mean,” Dick said.

“You’re going to die if you don’t start paying attention, Dick,” Y/N said.

“Oh!” and he died.

“And that kids, is why we listen to the person who’s 100%’ed the game.”

------------------------------

Y/N and Jason would spend hours with his brothers and sisters until the sun started to set and they all scattered to their own rooms to  do their own things. you can’t keep a lot of kids in one room for so long.

Once everyone left, Y/N placed her hands on Jason and kissed him, she was actually able to be laid on his pillow, he was able to pin her to the bed. And they did just that. He was on top of her, using his one arm to prop himself up and using his other hand to touch her face.

Her hands found their way into his hair like they always did, she found a lot of joy in playing with his hair. Their tongues danced together, they never fought or anything, they just enjoyed each other when Jason let out a small moan and she let out a small laugh.

“Keep it in your pants, Tiger,” she joked, “You’re not fully healed.”

“You literally smashed your face into another man but I can’t moan when I kiss you?”

“Because I know you want more.”

“Hell yeah I do,” he said as he went back for more, actually using his strength to keep her to the bed, but she didn’t protest this time.

[thatgirlwritingficsatnight]

Odi et Amo I

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris? nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior

Catullus, 85

After a few years of working in the USA for Disney and playing the role of The White Fox in Marvel Cinematic Universe you came back to your motherland - Korea only to be greeted with hatred and contempt. To make things harder for you the universe sends you the most irritating neighbour ™. Will you be able to find your happiness and  accomplish your dream of becoming loved actress in Korea without complying with standards of patriarchal society?

pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

genre: actor au

warnings: angst, foul language (please don’t read it if you’re not old enough)

words: 5582

A/N: Hi this is my first fanfic ever, and so there are few things I have to say before you hopefully enjoy reading it. 1. English is not my first language so there may be some grammatical errors. I’m sorry, perhaps in the future there will be someone to proofread my works. 2. I’m terribly sorry for my interpunction :( for some reason they don’t teach it here  and so it may be terrible. I am reading about it more but it’s not easy for me as I haven’t practiced enough. I’m really sorry if it’s awkward. 3. This was supposed to be long oneshot, but I was told not all people enjoy long reads on tumblr like I do, so I decided to make a miniseries out of it. Let me know if you enjoyed it and if you want me to write some scenarios, or post more of my works (i have a lot of them in the depths of my drive lol). Love, thatgirlwritingficsatnight.

***

You sat in spacious sofa in your old apartment in Korea. A sigh leaving your lips as you looked through the headlines.

"The black sheep of Korean show biz comes back after four years in USA"

"Whose heart will she eat now? National heartbreaker came back to Korea"

"Go back to USA you wh*re! - internet went wild over L/N Y/N"

"L/N Y/N comes back in outrageous style"

Most of them were a summary or perhaps a reminder for k-netizens why they should hate you; it's because you dated who you wanted to and for how long you wanted to, it's because this one time in the talk show you told off male host when he kept asking about your private life and because the other time you told another one to stop giving you all the questions about clothes and make up while your male co-star got to answer some deep questions about character development and that's to name the few reasons that came instantly to your mind. Of course some articles had to focus on your airport fashion too. The conservative Korean society had a problem with your bra, or rather a lack of thereof under your designer t-shirt. You left out an irritated groan as you scrolled to the comments. They were vicious and vulgar, you don't know what else did you expect honestly. You tossed the phone and buried your face in your hands fighting the urge to tweet something about the nasty people and how they should keep their antediluvian opinions to themselves. You sighed again perhaps if you were in a different country you'd do that, but here with systematic misogyny, where women were supposed to always smile and nod their heads, here where they got paid 60% of men's pay... you'd most likely be crucified. Then again who if not you would come to your defense? You knew the answer — no one, that realization was enough to anger you even more. The blood was boiling inside you as you snatched your phone back and went into Twitter silently mouthing apologies to your manager who'd be blowing your phone in just a few minutes.

 "Yes, I don't wear bras. No, it's not a topic for your article nor your problem. I also know it may shock some people but my dating life is not a topic for your entertainment either."

"It baffles me how Korean society thinks its country is in the group of one of the most civilized ones but still treats women as if we were stuck in 50s."

  Your phone was already blowing with notifications, you could see some new articles already popping and soon after that it buzzed as your manager tried to reach you. You silenced your phone and left it on the coffee table while you moved to the kitchen. You got yourself a lamp of wine and watched always busy streets of Seoul from a window. It was already dark and it looked like rivers of light with cars and street lights constantly illuminating them. You were deep in your thoughts as you pondered if you made a good decision. You had a good life in California. You had your best friend there, a house with a pool and many good opportunities for roles you declined. In those four years you became an international star after your role as Marvel's White Fox — a gumiho superhero. You knew in a year or two Disney would ask you to come back to make more movies and most likely you would but you couldn't stay in the USA any longer. Somehow, even though it seemed illogical considering the warm welcome you've got, you still missed your home. You missed Korea the country that loved to hate you. You weren't exaggerating when you said they loved to hate you, for instance you always played villains in Korean films and dramas and the Korean audience loved it. They loved to hate your characters and so every time you tried to audition for a role that would be first or second lead you'd always be cast as the villain. The very first time you played a good character was when you portrayed the White Fox for Marvel, they chose you because you were half American (on your father's side) and because you used to play femme fatales and that was kinda the character. You accepted the role secretly hoping that it would change the way Korea has seen you. It didn't. They said you were too Westernised and that you weren't true Korean and had their own perfect casting with actresses that weren't as scandalous as you. Well, at least the rest of the world loved you. Nonetheless, you came back. You still weren't sure if it was a good idea or for how long, or even if you'd work here or just relax; you were just happy you could eat unhealthy convenience store food whenever you felt like and that kimchi was a standard and not something you'd only find in specific shops. Speaking of, you craved some ramyun with cheese and perhaps some yakult as well. You changed your clothes into a pair of black sweats and a black hoodie and chose to wear a black cap and face mask as well. You checked yourself in a huge mirror in the corridor. Your outfit screamed two things: first was "I am a crazy murderer from drama" and and second "look at me I'm a celebrity". You sighed. Honestly what else could you wear? You decided not to change and went out to the nearest convenience store.

You walked slowly taking your time to get to the store while listening to Def Soul hoping lazy beats would calm your nerves. You bopped your head to the rhythm as you entered the store and went straight into ramyun section. You picked your favourite spicy one and grabbed some cheese, yakult and cherry coke. The girl working there seemed really young and you caught her yawning. She apologized and you smiled warmly although she probably couldn't see it through the mask.

"Don't worry about it I'm tired today as well." you said, and she smiled. You paid with a card and regretted not withdrawing any money so that you could tip her. You remember when you were just a bit younger than her, working in similar way but back in the USA; she’d appreciate extra cash. You took the ramyun to prepare it and hummed as you waited for the noodles to get soft. Food always got you to feel better. You were spreading cheese on your noodles when middle-aged men entered the shop. Soon you'd believe it's not your night or perhaps that you got some bad karma, or that you were just cursed. The men came up to the cashier and asked for a pack of cigarettes. You were about to slurp the first noodles when he spoke.

"When will you finish your shift cutie maybe I can pick you up?" He chuckled and the girl tried to smile politely although anyone with eyes could see how uncomfortable she felt. She tried to decline his advances with a small scared voice clearly she was too young to feel comfortable enough to just curse him out.

"You sluts are always the same. You smile at me flirt with me and then act all fucking.."

"Aish!" you didn't let him finish. And he turned your way surprised someone else was in the store. "I lost all appetite," you dropped the chopsticks next to the bowl and moved your gaze at the male: disgust was rolling off from you in waves, and he flinched upon meeting your eyes, "then again who wouldn't if they had to eat in the presence of trash?" You watched as his face got all red and furious, it seemed almost twisted now. "How dare you speak like that to me, you bi..." once again he couldn't finish his sentence this time you silenced him with your swift actions. You closed the distance between the two of you and grabbed his hand firmly. Then you put it behind his back and twisted it painfully enough for him to groan.

"Call me a bitch, I dare you." you said quietly, but he didn't respond, he just jerked trying to escape your hold. He smelled like tobacco, digested alcohol and grease. You scrunched your nose and took him out of the store. You pushed him lightly, and yet he still lost balance and fell. He shot you a glare full of hate and fury while you tried to remain calm. Truth to be told you were scared, yes you jumped in to help the girl, and successfully silenced him, but that was most likely only because he wasn't sober. You were silently asking universe to help you out as you mustered your courage and played your part of "fearless Y/N”.

"Leave or I'll call the police and tell them you harassed both me and the girl." He stood up and spit under your legs before he left. You sighed, a tight knot unravelling itself finally in your belly, adrenaline that was brought up with the surge of fury disappearing now, leaving you bit wobbly. You made mental note to thank the director of The White Fox for making you take those material arts classes, they came in handy. You came back to the store, you didn’t pay attention to the girl that watched you in awe. You just wanted to enjoy your noodles. Finally, able to take the bite you let out disgusted groan they got too soft. Letting out resigned sigh you opened the yakult.

"Miss Y/N.." small voice started next to you. The girl was blushing and smiling. She was cute, had long brown hair and a mole just under her left eye. You smiled back and it seemed to encourage her. "Thank you. You are like the coolest unnie ever. I will always support you and fight anyone that calls you names and.." You chuckled at her eagerness and sudden flood of words. "Thanks kid. What's your name? "Kim Seoyun." "Nice to meet you Kim Seoyun. I'm L/N Y/N." you said with a smile, and she blushed even more. You looked through the window and bit the inside of your cheek. What if he comes back when you're gone, you couldn’t risk it. "Tell me Seoyun when do you end your shift?" She took out a phone from her pocket. "Oh, in ten minutes." "Great I'll wait for you and order you a taxi." "Ah, unnie you don't have to… you already helped me enough and.." "Nonsense", you cut her off "he may come back and I'll sleep better knowing you are safe at home."

She nodded and came back to work. Leaving you with your soggy and lukewarm noodles. You thought about throwing it out but you hated wasting food and so you made yourself eat at least a bit although now it was cold and awfully soft. Ten minutes passed rather quickly and soon you found yourself standing next to the taxi with Seoyun. You gestured her to get in, but she stood in front of you and suddenly bowed deeply while extending her hands in front of you. Much to your surprise she was giving you a popsicle.

"Y/N-unnie I know it's not much but I wanted to thank you..."

You grinned at her while taking the gift. You quickly unwrapped it and tried it, it was strawberry flavoured.

"Thank you. It's the best popsicle I've ever had." You said honestly. Seoyun blushed and entered the car but before the taxi took off she lowered the car window and screamed.

"Y/N-unnie from today I'm your biggest fan! Unnie fighting!" You laughed.

"Mmm. Thank you!" After that car took off and you happily walked back home. Earphones in, phone in your hand as you decided to order some food since the ramyun sadly haven't been quite satisfying. You slurped at the popsicle even though it was the time of year when nights got colder. The taste of strawberries melted on your tongue. It was the first time someone in Korea told you they were your fan, it was also the first time a Korean fan gave you a gift. Despite the chilly air, and cold ice against your lips you felt warmth spreading from your chest. Grinning to yourself, you scrolled through different restaurants still thinking of what should you eat and then you bumped into someone or rather someone bumped into you. Popsicle fell to the ground and so did your phone with earphones brutally torn out from your ears. The man who bumped into you was in a very similar attire as your own he even wore a mask and a cap. You frowned upon realizing the gift from your first Korean fan was melting next to you. You were however about to apologize before he spoke in irritated tone while collecting some boxes scattered around you two.

"Next time watch where you're going." The blood inside you boiled the third time this evening and you snapped back at him before he could add anything else.

"Maybe you should watch where you're going." your tone was so aggressive it was clear all of the frustrations from today's evening build up in you. You gathered your things quickly.

"Excuse me..." he said straightening as he glared at you. His tone was promising a fight or a lecture at least. You didn't feel like any of that so once again today you didn't let someone finish their sentence, a habit of yours as it seems.

"Apologies accepted, asshole." you said fiercely and left him standing there with his stupid boxes in a state of shock. You got into the elevator and decided not to pay anyone any more of your thoughts tonight. You smiled at wooden popsicle stick and quickly forgot about the man downstairs.

Jinyoung was still shocked but also amused by your witty comeback. He knew he reacted upon his emotions when he was rude to you. He was just angry that he had to move the second time in the last two months. Sasaengs somehow found out about his last apartment in which he lived for only two weeks and just started feeling at home. Few days ago they found him, and he was harassed once again. Tired and angry he acted without thinking when you bumped into him and his belongings scattered. He wanted to apologize right away but you growled back at him, and he got irritated, so he wanted to lecture you or at least tell you not to interrupt other people when they are speaking, but you did just that and in very smart matter at that as well. Now Jinyoung was riding an elevator trying to pinpoint your face, he was sure he had seen you somewhere already. He entered his flat and sighed as he realized he had to unpack once again. He decided it could wait till morning.

You were woken up by both pounding and drilling in the wall behind your head. With long groan you pulled a pillow over your head but it didn't help much. You checked the time on your phone. It was seven thirty in the morning and you couldn't fall asleep till three - courtesy of your jet lag. You tried to ignore it hoping that you were sleepy and tired enough to fall asleep, unfortunately to no avail.

"Who the hell does the renovation on Saturday morning?" you asked your own walls with furious tone. You left the bed deciding to speak with the person next door. You didn't even bother to change from your PJ or brush your teeth, or hair, or even to throw something over yourself. You left your apartment in your bunny pyjama set, a gift from your best friend. Soon you were pounding angrily at the door. It took quite some time before the drilling inside stopped and someone opened the door. The man who opened seized you up and down with his eyes and coughed in his fist diverting his gaze somewhere else.

"Can I help you?" he asked his voice was a bit distressed. "I sure hope you can. It's Saturday seven in the morning." you were fuming, and he finally looked at you although he kept his eyes stuck to your face. "Ah... thank you for informing me. Are you working as personal calendar and clock for all of your neighbours or am I on some special treatment?" he asked sarcastically and smirked which made you: first bewildered and second even more mad if that's possible. "Let me rephrase that for you: it's Saturday, early morning and you are drilling in a wall." "Well, technically it was Mr Ahn who was drilling, I was enjoying myself with a book." He clearly enjoyed teasing you, there was this gleam in his eyes. "Don't you think that's a bit too early for a renovation?" your voice was seething with venom although you tried to keep your cool. "Quite contrary. I checked with the building manager, and I am only supposed to keep quiet between ten p.m and seven a.m. as you can see I even waited thirty minutes." He smiled at you and in that second you hated him, his stupid brown hair, strangely symmetrical face, weirdly tight cardigan and the fact that you couldn't do much since he was in the right. You just turned on your heels ready to storm off back to your flat when he spoke again. "Ah, and might I add I just love your fashion sense." he raised one brow and his eyes once again travelled through your body. "Excuse me?"

"Apologies accepted." Your face went from frowned and angry to shocked in a second, and he laughed at your reaction before closing the doors and leaving you cursing yourself, your luck and your best friend who thought it would be cute to buy you pyjama set which contained of hoodie with ears and a bunny tail and some shorts.

You entered your apartment, deep red setted on your face from both anger and embarrassment. As soon as you closed the doors the drilling continued. You cursed under the breath and went to shower. You stood long under the stream letting the water wash away both dirt and emotions. Once you were clean and ready for the day you’ve decided to ditch your flat for now since it was too loud for you anyway. This time you went for less sporty look but still all black. It was a turtleneck, slacks, martens and a beret. Chic and comfortable. You did  your makeup and hair and went out for breakfast. The car was already waiting for you when you got downstairs. You pulled a black mask over your face and greeted the driver who didn't talk much and so you didn't have to worry about the small talk. You scrolled through your phone checking the messages you got from your manager — there was about twenty of them and somehow each was written with different emotion: rage, irritation, sadness, hopelessness and so on. You sighed knowing that you should probably apologize for the troubles you caused him. Then again what were you supposed to do, not react when half of this country is calling you names? You signed back in your Twitter only to be greeted by thousands of notifications. Most of which were trolls and haters commenting on your tweets with occasional death threats in your DMs. You tried your very best not to read each and every comment knowing that even though you were strong it still affected you. You were; however, positively surprised when you found some supporting voices. There was your best friend (obviously) who fiercely defended you and called out everyone on their bull, he even threatened legal action and you smiled brightly at his tweets, but there were also few Korean celebrities who took your side and defended you as well. Most importantly there were few normal people, fans perhaps, who applauded you and thanked for speaking out. You smiled when you saw user "Y/NUnnieFandomPresidentSeoyun" somewhere in your notifications. Somehow traffic was still bad even on weekend and it took you forty minutes to get to the café you had in mind. Once you got there however you didn't regret time spend on travel. It was café in quiet part of town, it wasn't very popular since it wasn't in Gangnam but because of that it was one of your favourites. No paparazzi, no dispatch, no other celebrities.

The place itself wasn't very big but it had huge windows and was located in front of the park so you could easily grab a coffee and go for a walk or just stay inside and watch people and kids spending their time at the park. The interior wasn't anything special either, it wasn't one of those Instagram worthy cafés. It had simple modern style. You came in and ordered coffee and some toasts and sat in front of the window. There were few people inside so you sat without your mask freely and wondered if your friend was already sleeping. It was around nine here so in Los Angeles it was probably midnight. You texted him asking if he's sleeping, and he just responded by facetiming you right away. His black hair was still wet from shower, and he wasn't wearing any shirt.

"Yah! Y/N-ah!" he scolded you immediately. "How dare you not text or call your best friend for over a day. Do you know how worried I was?" You rolled your eyes at him.

"It's not like you contacted me either. And put some clothes on Tuan."

"Never. I know you secretly love watching my chest."

"Gross. Anyway.. I haven't called because I was tired yesterday, you know jet lag and all of that, so don't get mad at me."

"How are you now?" His playfulness was replaced by concern and it was clear he wasn't really asking about the quality of your sleep which was in fact terrible thanks to your lovely neighbour.

"I'm fine." He gave you the look. "Really. Honestly I didn't expect anything better from what I got, so I'm fine Mark."

"I shouldn't have let you go. You know what? Those people don't deserve you. Come back to the USA and let's live together again I'll even cook. Or I can come to you I'll fight them and keep you company. I'm can easily stream from there.." You giggled at him and he grinned. "You know I'm serious though you can come back I already miss you anyway. God, I should have married you maybe you wouldn't leave me Y/N-ah..." he was whiny again and you laughed. It was an inside joke between you. Both yours and his parents would always tell you to just marry already but neither of you felt anything romantic towards the other one. You'd known each other since you were two and both of you had treated each other like siblings ever since.

"You should have and now it's too late. I'll find myself new victim and feast on their heart like a true gumiho I am." you said in theatrical manner while munching on your toast.

"Honestly who the fuck writes those articles?"

"I don't know but I'm pretty sure... Oh my god. You've got to be kidding me." you said and tried to lower your face down so that the person passing in front of the window you've been sitting by couldn't see you.

"What? What? Is that paparazzi? Your ex? Is that paparazzi rented by your ex?" You frowned at your friend.

"What? No? It's my asshole neighbour." "Never heard of him. Why are we hiding anyway? You can just tell him to back off. Last time I checked you were great at that." He showed you two thumbs up and smiled broadly. "I'm hiding because I'm embarrassed and I don't want to talk to him." "Why?" he laughed. "What did you do?" "I didn't do anything it was that stupid PJ you got me..." you whispered at him while trying to make yourself as small as possible. "Oh my god. One day in Korea and you already got yourself a one-night stand. This is not how I raised you. What would your mother say?" he teased you and giggled. "For the love of... it's not like that." you said angrily a bit too loud perhaps since the men in question who was just ordering by the counter turned around and looked you dead in the eyes. His neutral expression changing to surprised before it transformed to smirk. You cursed yourself and Mark and bowed your head slightly and awkwardly before you turned around to face your now laughing friend.

"You should see your face."

"Shut up. I hate you."

"You love me."

"What a surprise." Third voice spoke up by your side and you cringed a little before you put on your cold mask on.

"A surprise indeed." You said, your neighbour moved his eyes from your face to the screen of your phone carefully placed against the glass. Mark was still there, still half naked and smirking at you.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"Yes."

"No." you and Mark said at the same time and you send him death glare regretting that you couldn't kick him right now. "I was about to go to sleep anyway. Love you."

He disappeared without waiting for your response. You let out soft sigh and reach out for phone.

"Do you mind if I join you?" The man was already sitting next to you. He was smiling at you and perhaps any other person would say it was a warm type of smile but you felt like he was mocking you. Constantly. You straightened up in your seat and eyed him closely. He was wearing the same tight cardigan, it was accentuating his broad frame and muscles hidden underneath soft, brown cashmere and simple but well fitted blue jeans. You had to admit he was handsome and had somehow angelic face which only made you cringe once you compared it to his personality or at least to what he showed you already. "I don't think that's a good idea." You said after a pause, his expression didn't change for a second, and he sipped on coffee that blushing waitress brought a few seconds ago. "How so?" His voice was sweet and melodic, it irritated you even more. "I am a celebrity, there might be an article about me having coffee with you tomorrow." You kept your tone intentionally bored as you played with the spoon. He laughed and you changed your mind his speaking voice couldn't be called melodic when his laughter sounded so beautifully.

"That's funny. I'm celebrity as well I think I'll survive." It wasn't surprising at all, he was too good-looking to not be an idol, a model or an actor perhaps. You held back another sigh. You could already see the headlines "Y/N attacks again will this man keep up with her appetite" or perhaps "One day in Korea, and she already dates — check out Y/N and her new boy toy". "Yeah I doubt it." you said but quickly added. "Weren't you supposed to renovate your apartment anyway?" "I left it to Mr Ahn it got too loud for me to read in peace."

"I can imagine." Sarcasm was basically dripping from your tongue which only seemed to amuse him even more. His eyes were now twinkling and you thought that he must be a devil in disguise. "I must say it's very lucky that I met you here. What are the odds, right?" "Ah I wouldn't call it lucky, that's for sure." You were currently planning how to escape from this conversation. "So how about we get to know each other a bit better?" He proposed with a warm smile. "I don't think so. I don't even know you." "Oh. That's harsh you do know me. I'm your neighbour and this is our third meeting." He placed a hand over his heart and frowned in pain and you wondered how can one still look handsome while frowning before he continued. "Besides I can fix that. I'm Park Jinyoung nice to meet you. See now we know each other." You fought and urge to roll your eyes and you summoned the most polite looking smile you had in your arsenal. Your phone rang before you could say anything and you've never been more happy to see your manager's face appearing on your screen.

"I'm sorry I have to take it." you said politely, and he just nodded. "Oh I wasn't expecting you to pick up." "Ah manager-nim don't be like that I haven't been picking up only for one day." "Why are you so polite are you with someone?" "Yes." You glared at Jinyoung, he was watching you with a smile with coffee in his hand. "Ok, I can call later." "No!" you almost screamed and cleared your throat trying to remain composure. "No, it's fine." "O-ok. Do you have time today? We should meet and talk I just got something that may interest you. It's really nice drama. I know you said you don't want to play in any of those romantic stories but hear me out this one is..." you'd roll your eyes if not for your neighbour's curious eyes. "Of course when and where will we meet?" You decided to cut off his rumbling. "Really? Before departure, you said you won't play in any stupid drama again." "Ah, I see. I did say that. We should meet today, text me the address then." Hanging up on him, you hoped he got the brains to follow up with text. He thankfully did and your phone barked. Jinyoung laughed again and you gave him confused look. "Did your phone just bark at you?" You blushed against yourself. Was it so weird to have a dog's bark as your message sound? "Ah... yes. I like dogs." You cringed on yourself. Somehow today in front of this man you were constantly losing your cool. He either irritated you or made you flustered enough to forget any eloquent comebacks or eloquence at all. "Anyway it was nice meeting you Jinyoung-ssi but I have to meet up with my manager."

"Oh you're leaving without even properly introducing yourself?" He cocked a brow on you and smirked. You stood up and looked at him coldly. "I'm sorry I don't feel the need." You were about to leave before he spoke again. "Ah… running already... startled... like a true bunny. Come to think of it... it does have a nice ring into it, doesn't it? Bunny. It suits you and you even have a costume already." His voice was so extremely mocking that you felt the irritation buzzing in you like electricity. Not to mention he spoke so loudly the waitress that was blushing at him before now listened carefully. You groaned internally. What if she writes about it somewhere. Media won't let you live especially that he is your neighbour they'd say he is already in love with you. And "bunny" was such a couple pet name. You were in the midst of your internal crisis before he decided to speak again.

"Have nice day bun.." You reacted before you thought, your hand slapped against his mouth before he could say anything more. His eyes got bigger, he was clearly shocked that you were so close to him, that you touched him and that you didn't really care about your language. You on the other had were fuming. You've met your fair share of fuckboys, assholes and idiots but not one of them that had similar status to yours acted with such insolence in public where other people could see you. Well, almost none, perhaps your ex was the only one. You kept your voice quiet, loud enough only for him to hear.

"Shut up. And watch your tongue before I pull it out because the universe be my witness I will and I'll do it with pleasure. My name is not kitten, bunny or any other pet name your buffoon head comes up with. It's Y/N. My name is bloody Y/N." You hissed out and his hand reach out to yours. It was hot from coffee and soft even though his grasp was firm. He took your hand of his mouth and smiled.

"Nice to meet you."

You took a step back and send him the look that must have looked like you were trying to shoot daggers at him.

"I'm sure it is. Now if you excuse me. I don't want to be late."

You rushed to counter to pay only to find out it was already taken care of by Jinyoung. You furrowed your brows and wanted to give him his money back instantly but your phone buzzed and it was your cue to leave. The driver was here.

To Mark 🐰 💙 : One day Tuan... you'll pay for this betrayal

From Mark 🐰 💙 : ILY 2 good night. P.S. He seemed hot 👀

You rolled your eyes how hot was he didn't matter if his sole personality drove you crazy only after three brief meetings. You sighed. This was not how you wanted to spend this day: enraged twice and on your way to see your manager.

Keep reading

[valkyrieofsmut]

Double stuffed birthday

Stucky x Reader

Descriptions:  (Y/n) has huge crushes on her neighbors, but they’re in a relationship- with each other. She’s sad to miss out, thinking they’re both only into men, but wants the best for them. Until one night she hears a woman’s moans coming through the wall... Afraid to hurt one of them, she has to come clean about what she heard, and finds out that- maybe she has a chance after all...?

Types: Double penetration, threesome, two guys one girl, virgin reader, preparation, smut!

Warnings: None, I think.

Words: 3347 

A/n- THAT’S RIGHT! DOUBLE STUFFED BIRTHDAY! BECAUSE! I’M... A DORK! *sigh*... This Ask came from forever and a day ago (You can see how far behind I am... )

Masterlist

Story!

(Y/n) wanted something special for her birthday… 

She was tired of sitting around admiring the two super soldiers who were her great friends, and had been since they moved in a couple of years ago. 

It had started as any other day; her getting home from work, checking the mail, planning what to make for dinner. The only difference had been that there was a moving truck outside. 

When she'd gotten up to her floor, she saw boxes all over the hallway, and, while being careful and watching her feet to not trip over them, she didn't see the bulky man coming around the doorway next to hers, who then nearly mowed her over, but caught her with his quick reflexes. 

She later brought them cookies as a welcome to the building treat, and they invited her to have dinner to get to know each other. 

It was a wonderful night, and they became great friends. 

.

The next while was nice, showing them movies, finding out that they were, in fact, Captain America and Bucky Barnes, best friends, comrades in arms, roommates, and… a bit more. 

Truly, not many could understand the life they'd lived; WWII veterans would understand the life and the war, the Avengers would understand that part of the fighting they'd gone through, but since the other experimental subjects that had been with Bucky had been… terminated… they were the only supersoldiers left in the world- that were known of, anyway. And even then, Steve could never quite know what Bucky had gone through as a prisoner of war, tortured and experimented on; after all, Steve had been able to volunteer for the supersoldier program. 

So it made sense that they had gone from bffs to bffs with benefits, since they were really the only ones they could completely trust with themselves. 

It made (Y/n) a bit sad, wishing that she'd have a chance with them, but it was hard to be jealous when they were both good friends and they were happy together. 

That certainly didn't keep her from dreaming, though… 

And dream she did. 

Being a virgin did nothing to stop her imagination, and it's no wonder with the internet and the plethora of erotic stories. It all gave her a wealth of fantasies to pull from when she was alone. 

Even if she had to be very quiet, since their bedrooms apparently shared a wall. 

How awkward would it be the day after to see them in the hall and have one of them comment, "so hey, I heard you screaming mine and my partner's name in orgasm last night…" 

Yeah… That was definitely something she wanted to avoid. 

They tried to return the favor as well, it seemed, since sometimes she could hear them, just barely, keeping quiet as they were intimate. 

She… may or may not have joined in privately those times… 

So, when she heard a woman crying out one night, she was understandably a bit distressed thinking that one of her friends had cheated on the other. 

It ate at her for a week. She wanted to talk to them, needed to talk about it, but she didn't know who it was, and she didn't want to hurt one of them. 

Finally, she couldn't hold it in any longer, and knocked on the door, greeting Steve when he answered. 

"Hey, (Y/n), how are you doing?" 

"I- I'm…" She took a breath and turned to him, pushing it out, but awkwardly wishing she could pull it back halfway through, "I heard- so-omething- the… other day…" 

"I'm sorry…?" He offered, completely lost, but able to tell she was distressed by whatever she'd heard. 

He was so kind- his face showed he was so sweet- 

(Y/n) didn't know what to do! 

She couldn't imagine this sweet teddy bear of a man cheating, and she definitely didn't want to hurt him! 

"I- I'm sorry, I- heard something in- uh, from, the bedroom…" 

His cheeks flashed the lightest shade of pink, an apologetic smile tilting his lips. 

"What's up with Dolly?" Bucky asked from the doorway to the kitchen. 

(Y/n) felt panic building in her veins. 

Oh shit- 

What do I do?! 

"Apparently we were a bit loud the other night," Steve answered, his eyes still on hers. 

Oh god- she could feel her blood rushing in her ears! Heat spreading over her body- knots forming in her stomach-! 

"No- no, I-! Um! I have to g-" She stopped. "I don't want to ruin your relationship but I heard one of you in the bedroom with a woman!" 

Having word vomited her news out, she desperately wanted to leave. She hurried to turn and do so, but Steve caught her arm. 

“Wait, wait, wait. You what?” 

(Y/n) could feel the panic building in her stomach, making her feel a bit nauseous. “I heard- I heard someone in the bedroom- I heard a woman in your bedroom- I- I’m sorry,” she told them, starting to breathe heavily with her panic. 

Steve and Bucky shared a look, then looked back to her. 

“I- I have to go- I’m-” 

“Hey, hey,” Steve cooed, trying to calm her down, used to Bucky’s panic attacks. 

Bucky tossed the potholder in his hand on the counter and headed over to help calm her. They stroked her back, murmuring calming words to her until she could catch her breath. 

“I- I’m sorry- I just- didn’t- want to hurt- you guys,” she told them. 

They shared another look and looked back to her, an apologetic look in their eyes. 

“W-well, I guess this is how you find out,” Steve commented softly. 

“F-find out- what?” 

Bucky cleared his throat and looked away, muttering something to himself and rubbing his metal arm. 

“We’re not gay, (Y/n)...” 

“B-but I thought-” She blinked in confusion, her words leaving her. 

“I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding,” Steve told her, still holding onto her to give support. “We’re not gay; we’re bi…” 

Bucky cleared his throat and gave a crooked smile to the wall he was staring at. “Yeah, ahem, S-Steve might not have gotten many dames back in the day, but, uh-” 

Steve snorted. “Bucky got lots of ‘tail’.” 

“U-uh- oh! Oh… wow… I- I’m sorry I came bursting in here like- like a crazy person,” (Y/n) told them, feeling her embarrassment replacing the panic. 

As she’d left, she was sure that she’d heard Bucky telling Steve, “see? This is why you don’t make the plans. What the hell kind of plan was that anyway?! You gave her a panic attack!” 

. 

And now, a month later, when she was getting closer to her birthday, she’d decided to bring up her request. Just between friends, people she trusted, the three of them- she wanted them to take her virginity. 

. 

Steve looked at her in shock. “Y-you’re a virgin?” 

“Yeah…?” (Y/n) answered, not understanding why that was strange; everyone was born a virgin, so everyone was at some point in their life… 

“But- but like, actually a virgin,” Bucky reiterated. “Not- not like ‘I’m a “virgin” because I’m a “born again virgin”’?” 

“Yes- a what? No- look. It’s simple. I am a virgin. I’ve never had sex. No penis in any of my orifices. Virgin.” 

The two men looked at each other, sharing a look like something suddenly made sense. 

“And- and you want us to- you want one of us to take your virginity?” Steve asked. 

“Well, I mean, if Bucky was such a lady killer back in the forties, I’m sure he’s had a few, so nothing new to him…” 

They both chuckled awkwardly at that. 

“But, I-  I was actually hoping… That… you both…?” 

“Both…” Steve blinked, then looked at Bucky. 

“Both of us? In the same night?” 

“A-at the same- time,” she offered. 

Steve shook his head. “No.” 

Bucky shot him a look. “Oh, you suddenly have good ideas?” 

“No; (Y/n), Cookie, we can’t- we can’t take you at the same time-” 

“I’ve seen porn, Steve,” she scolded. 

“I’ve seen it happen,” Bucky added, deadpan. 

“Not when you’re a virgin! It’ll- it’ll- Bucky!” Steve looked at him for support. “It’d rip her to shreds!” 

Bucky paused, tilting his head. “Y-yeah… he’s got a point there, Dolly…” 

“But- but! Every one has sex a first time! It’s not like I’m any different!” 

Bucky shook his head, “but, not everyone is trying to have double penetration their first go. Not only that, but- the- the serum… it affected all of us… all of us,” he stressed before turning to Steve and patting him on the shoulder a bit mockingly. “Look at you, thinking things through. Proud of you, Punk.” 

“Shut up, Jerk,” Steve shot back. 

“But… there’s not any way…?” (Y/n) asked sadly. 

The two shared a look again, looking hesitant. 

“Th- there might be a way…” 

“It’ll take a long time…” 

“What is it?” She asked. 

“Well- you- you might stand a chance if you- ahem- did some… some training to your- your holes…” Bucky looked like he was about to die blushing. 

Steve nodded, also looking a bit uncomfortable. “Yeah… if you could… train them… then you’d stand a chance to take one of us…” 

“So- I’d just have to, what, stick fingers in and stretch or something?” She asked. 

Bucky let out a choked laugh. 

“Uh, no, Cookie…” Steve told her, a small chuckle leaving him. “Well… training can be fun… and we can start with fingers, but… we’re  going to have to… graduate to… larger things.” 

(Y/n) blinked at them. “...ok…” 

And thus began the training. 

. 

(Y/n) went to their apartment the next day, eager to start the training, and wasn’t surprised when they had her remove her bottoms. 

“Ok, Doll,” Bucky started, helping her lay back on the bed. He lifted her legs and let them fall open, helping to stretch the inside flexors of her hips. His eyes went right to her bare pussy and stayed there, like they were glued for a minute before he cleared his throat roughly. “Steve… Steve, c’mere…” 

“Yeah?” Steve asked, leaning over from where he was monitoring her reactions. 

“Look at this cute little pussy… She’s… Damn…” 

Steve looked down and his expression changed. “She… Wow…” 

“Hey, uh, guys, you’re kinda weirding me out, here… Is something wrong with me…?!” 

“Nah- nah, Dolly, just… You’re so cute… and-” Bucky cut off, clearing his throat. “Nothin’s wrong.” 

Steve’s fingers ran down her, and (Y/n) let out a gasp. “Oh, shit…” He stroked over her again. “We’re going to have to be careful, Buck… not get…” 

“Carried away, yeah,” Bucky agreed. “Ok, Doll, we’re starting… ready?” 

She nodded, and the next thing she expected was something inserted, but instead, it was just more petting. She looked up at them in question, but they seemed to know what they were doing, and she honestly had not much, if any at all, experience. 

(Y/n) felt herself starting to get more interested, more swollen at the attention that was being paid to her. She felt her body heating up, getting ready for what was going to happen. 

Steve was petting her hair and stroking over her cheeks and neck, giving words of encouragement, telling her how sexy it was watching Bucky doing the things he was to her. 

Bucky ran his fingers between her lips, getting her used to the feeling for a moment, then rubbed around her clit, circling and rubbing over it, his eyes getting dark and hooded as she made soft little noises. He cursed softly before moving one finger to her opening and starting to push in. 

“Bucky,” she huffed, laughing, but still going to moan. “Your finger- isn’t the first thing going up there,” she told him. 

Bucky looked up at her. “N-? Oh, right…” He chuckled. “There are all sorts of things to put here these days.” 

(Y/n) felt like she was about to immediately regret those words… 

Bucky slipped his finger in, moving slowly for a couple of thrusts before adding a finger. “Two,” he updated Steve. “Let’s see how far we can get her today.” 

“Bucky,” Steve chided, “don’t try rushing it.” 

Bucky looked up at him, flashing a cheeky smirk. “Course not. Running in blindly with no plan is your thing.” 

Steve gave him a dry look, but stayed quiet. 

(Y/n) was panting under Bucky’s ministrations already, her hips starting to arch with his movements. 

When he scissored his fingers apart to stretch her a bit more, the noises that she was making changed, making both guys lick their lips and watch intently. 

He managed to get three fingers in, keeping her at the edge of orgasm, not letting her come. 

“I wanna turn,” Steve said, his eyes trained on Bucky’s hand as it was quickly getting wetter. 

“Why don’t you work on the other side,” Bucky suggested. 

“Think that’d be ok, Cookie?” Steve asked softly. 

(Y/n) looked up at him, her body feeling ready for orgasm. She nodded and they shifted her to her side so that Bucky could reach her pussy, and Steve had room to work on her ass. 

Bucky had her foot planted on his shoulder to keep her open, working slowly at her, and Steve rubbed and squeezed her ass for a moment. 

“It’s going to be cold for a moment,” he warned her, and she heard some noises like he was rubbing something between his fingers before they touched her. 

His fingers were a bit cold, but they warmed up as he moved them over her rear opening, slowly starting to dip his finger in. 

Wow- wow! She’d never felt this strange sort of double stimulation before! It felt- it felt really good! 

(Y/n) started groping at her chest, moaning and whining as they moved. She could hear them talking to each other, working in conjunction, and she felt when Steve switched fingers, stroking her inside as she was driven closer and closer to her end. 

“Steve, you’re going to have to- I’ve got her foot on my shoulder,” Bucky’s voice drifted up to her dreamily. 

(Y/n) could only spare a partial thought wondering what that was about, but the rest of her body was feeling too good, especially when her hands went under her shirt and bra to get to her bare breasts. 

Another hand was on her, two fingers stroking along her, on either side of her clit, and she arched and moaned, hearing two answering moans from near her knees. The three hands worked in tandem, getting into rhythm and stroking her. 

It felt so good, it was like pleasure bursting through every part of her- making her whole body shiver. 

“Look at her, she’s doing so good,” one cooed. 

“God, I can’t wait to have her between us…” The other agreed. 

“Oh, that’s it, look at her; she’s getting close.” 

(Y/n) was having trouble catching her breath, her hips rocking with their rhythm. “G- I- yeah,” she panted to them, her moans getting louder and louder. 

“That’s it, come for us, gorgeous.” 

(Y/n) cried out as she came, clenching around both of them and feeling them in even more detail inside her. 

“Good girl… such a good girl…” 

. 

Every day after work, she’d go to their apartment, and repeat the process. 

Everyday after work, she'd only come once, but it was a pretty strong orgasm. 

Until, finally, it was the day. 

.

“You can say no, if you want to.” 

“No one will think less of you.” 

“I know.” She was naked in front of them, laid out on the bed, watching as lube was poured into a palm. “Isn’t that too much…?” 

They shared a look. 

“Nope.” 

“Trust us.” 

They worked into her one at a time, one on the bed, her sliding onto him, feeling him filling her pussy like it had never been filled before. No tampon or toy, even when they’d been doing their training and they’d stretched her open with toys, had ever filled her this much. 

They took a break, letting her lay on his chest as the other lubed up her ass next to prepare her for him to enter. 

“Are you ready?” 

She nodded, though her eyes were closed and she was still taking deep breaths.

The super soldier behind her started to press into her, going slow, so mercifully slow, and letting her stretch around him.

“Oh shit- (Y/n)- ah god, you’re so t-tight…” 

Somehow he managed to push all the way in without many stops, and (Y/n) had never felt fuller in her life. 

There was panting from in front and behind her as both men caught their breaths, and the three of them slowly started growing accustomed to the tight feeling. 

When they started moving, she felt the way their cocks dragged at her skin, the friction feeling like pleasurable stroking pushing her closer to orgasm. They switched the way they thrust, and suddenly, Steve was pushing into her while Bucky was pulling out, then they were switching. 

(Y/n) couldn’t breathe, it felt so good- her mind turned itself off, and the only thing going through her head was it trying to process the sensation of them moving inside her. 

“Oh, fuck,” Bucky groaned, leaning in and tilting her chin to kiss her. 

Steve kept thrusting, groaning as he moved. “God, f-f- feel so-” He pulled the kiss apart by turning (Y/n)’s face to him instead. 

Bucky licked his lips as he watched them kiss, his hips bucking into her slowly and steadily. 

Steve pulled back and kissed Bucky, who leaned into the kiss as well, both hugging tight around (Y/n). 

They each took a breast, kneading and playing with it, tugging and rolling her nipples as they moved. 

It was so good-

It was so much- 

It was too good- 

It was too much-! 

(Y/n) let out a high pitched cry as she came, hard, squeezing tight around them, making Bucky and Steve both let out guttural sounds of surprise and pleasure. 

“F-fuck-” 

“Oh shit-” 

Hands tightened on (Y/n), one set on her hips, the other on her thighs as both men picked up the pace. 

“Bucky- she- she feels so good!” 

“I know, Steve- she’s- she’s so tight it feels like she’s tryin’ to push me out-! Oh fuck, Dolly, you’re gonna make me cum-!” 

“Oh God, Cookie, don’t- don’t stop squeezing me like that-! I’m- I’m right there- gonna cum-” 

They seemed to communicate without any sounds as they both sped up, making (Y/n)’s voice raise as she came again, but their response this time was fucking into her harder. 

“Fuck- fuck, fuck, fuck,” Bucky panted as he slammed into her, starting to ride close to the edge of orgasm. 

“O-oh- uuuungh! B-Bucky- c’mon- let’s fill our girl with our cum,” Steve called out, his hips pistoning as he slid in and out. 

“Yeah- r-ready when- when you are,” Bucky answered, his hands tightening on her. “She’s gettin’ close again, too-” 

“A-alright, on- on Cookie’s signal, then,” Steve decided. 

It was only a couple more movements before (Y/n) fell over the edge again, a scream leaving her as she came, tightening around them as her hips twitched, but between them, they kept them steady as they pushed into her as deep as they could and one after the other, filled her until she was dripping super soldier seed. 

After a moment to catch their breath, the two men cleaned her up, and they all got comfortable in the bed. 

“Oh fuck,” Bucky sighed. “That was great, Doll.” 

“Agreed,” Steve nodded, wrapping an arm around her. “Good birthday present?” 

(Y/n) managed to nod as she cuddled closer to them both. “Y-yeah… good…” 

The two chuckled. 

“Go on, sweetheart, go to sleep,” a deep voice murmured near her ear. “More time for fun tomorrow. You’ve been through a lot for now, though.” 

(Y/n) drifted off, feeling Bucky and Steve following her quickly. 

NOTES- Confirmed; Steve convinced Bucky to set the whole thing with the other woman up trying to lure (Y/n) to the conclusion that they were into women, too... Sneaky Steve. 

Steve: We both really like her, right?  Bucky: Yeah. Steve: And we both want her to join us, right? Bucky: Yeah. Steve: I’ve dropped hints all over...  Both: ... Both: ... Bucky: Maybe she doesn’t think we’re into girls?  Steve: ...I have a plan.  Bucky: No- Steve, no.  Steve: *quietly* Steve yes... Ok, so here’s what we’re gonna do... Bucky: *sighs and rubs face* 

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[ratnumber21]

Mabel is Bi Headcanon

She started questioning her sexuality sometime during her boy crazy phase

She brushed it off as her hormones acting up and all that jazz

Until she couldn't keep her eyes off of the new (female) lifeguard at the pool one day post-boy crazy phase

Mabel didn't know what to think

She was afraid to tell Dipper in fear of him judging her

I mean, she makes fun of her brother all the time, who's to say he won't use her sexuality as an opportunity to get back at her, right?

She pretended to have another boy crazy phase as an attempt to push away those feelings

The more she pushed them away, the more she realized she wasn't as fully attracted to guys as she thought

She began getting all fidgety whenever a girl was within a 10-foot radius of her

One time when she and Dipper were helping Soos out in the gift shop, a girl around their age approached Mabel asking if there was another t-shirt in her size

Mabel froze on the spot

The girl tried asking if she was okay, but Mabel turned into a babbly mess and was unable to answer

The girl grew uncomfortable and walked away

Dipper saw the whole thing

Dipper: "Haha, you acted like I normally do whenever a pretty girl talks to me.”

Mabel, internally: Oh boy...

She was afraid of what this meant

She knew everyone in Gravity Falls was very supportive

But what about back at home?

The kids at school picked on Dipper simply for having a unique birthmark

Imagine what they would do if they found out that Mabel wasn't totally straight

Mabel couldn't sleep one night due to her overthinking the possible scenarios of telling her friends and family about her dilemma

"What would Dipper say?" "What if he tells Stan?" "What if he tells Mom and Dad?" "Would they disown me?" "What would Candy and Grenda say?" "Oh god" "I can't lose Candy and Grenda, they're my people!" "And what about Waddles?!"

She became overwhelmed and realized she needed to get this off her chest

Dipper was already off the table

And she was afraid Stan would be disappointed in her

And everyone else she knew was asleep

Except for one

Ford heard his niece coming before she burst through the elevator door, breathing heavily and tears streaking down her face

He ended up holding her while he walked around the basement, telling her soothing things and stroking her hair while she tried to steady her breathing

All while saying things like "they're gonna hate me!" and "they'll think I'm a freak!"

Once Mabel calmed down, she quietly asked her great uncle "What if I'm not entirely into boys?"

Ford dreaded a question like that

It's not that he didn't want to answer, he just hasn't been in this dimension for 30 years

He didn't know how much sexuality and gender identity had evolved since the 80s, and he never found the time to do research on it since he came back

He was just worried he wouldn't be able to guide his niece

He asked Mabel to elaborate and the story came pouring out

How she began looking at girls differently, how she acted like her brother whenever he was around pretty girls, and her fears of not being accepted by her family

Ford (who was thankful that he knew enough about the subject to be able to provide Mabel with solid advice) began by saying it's perfectly natural for her to question her sexuality

This started a whole conversation of Ford and Mabel exploring her possible sexuality

Ford then explained bisexuality

"But how come I like guys so much if I'm bi? Does this mean I might actually be straight?"

"No, you just have a larger preference for guys. Bisexuality is almost never 50/50. Some people think they're straight or gay because they like one gender so much they can forget they like another one as well."

"What if people don't react well when I tell them I'm bi after making it very clear that I was straight for the past few years?"

"You don't owe anyone an explanation. Your sexuality is your business and no one else's, okay?"

"But what if I'm not actually bi? What if I really am just confused?"

"There's no rush to figure out your sexuality now. You have your whole life ahead of you, sweetie. And you don't have to be so quick to label yourself. When you finally find the label that suits you, you'll know."

Ford also revealed that he, too, had struggled with his sexuality before ultimately concluding that he identifies as aromantic

Mabel is not surprised whatsoever

By the end of their talk, it’s past midnight and Mabel is more relieved than she’s ever been before

Ford is honored that Mabel trusted him enough to go to him for guidance for such a personal topic

He’s also happy that he got to spend more bonding time with his niece since he typically spends most of his time with either Dipper or Stan

Ford is about to send Mabel to bed when she confesses that she’s still a bit anxious that the rest of her family won’t accept her

Ford reassures her that they will before carrying Mable to her room himself

After tucking her in and turning to leave, Mabel whispers “Thanks for letting me talk to you Grunkle Ford”

Ford smiles and kisses his great-niece goodnight

The next morning, Mabel goes straight to Ford’s room just as he’s waking up to tell him she stayed up all night thinking about the things he taught her

She thinks she’s bi and she wants to tell Dipper and Stan

Ford is beyond proud of her (although he tells her to wait a few days just in case she isn’t quite sure yet)

Mabel comes out to Dipper and Stan as bisexual a few days later

Dipper is 100% supportive of his sister

Stan needed some explaining (he knew that bisexuality was a thing, he just didn’t realize there was a fancy name for it) but her supports her nonetheless

“Eh, as long as you’re happy and the person you’re with treats you right, I don’t care who you bring home. And as long as you wait until you’re at least 30 to bring said person home.”

Mabel said no promises

Bonus:

The Pines family was at Greasy's Diner to celebrate Mabel's coming to terms with her sexuality

They were getting ready to leave when Dipper and Mabel left to use the bathroom, leaving Stan and Ford alone at their table

Stan piped up saying that it was "interesting how easy it seems to be to figure this sorta stuff out these days"

Ford agrees but is unsure where this is going

Stan continues saying how if teens are struggling with something personal, the internet (and people on the internet going through the same) is right there to help them

"Heh, too bad we didn't have those things when we were teenagers huh Sixer?"

Ford is confused and Stan is suddenly tense and awkward

He explains he's never felt that kind of attraction towards anyone

He was always interested in getting a girlfriend, but he never really intended on going beyond kissing/possibly making out

Ford's eyes lit up and he immediately exclaimed: "WE'RE BOTH ACE SPECS!"

"WE'RE BOTH A-WHATS?!"

Ford explained that there was a spectrum that included different sexualities regarding the lack of sexual/romantic attraction

(for the record, Ford took time to do more research since his conversation with Mabel so he's pretty much an expert on sexuality and gender identity now)

He asks Stan how long he's felt this way

Stan says since high school

Ford asks why he didn't tell him

Stan reveals that he assumed he wasn't done with puberty yet/he didn't want Ford to think that there's something wrong with him

He also didn't want to disappoint their father "more than he already had"

Ford says that he would've accepted him no matter what

"Besides, if Dad ever did find out, he would've been disappointed in the both of us."

"Huh?"

"Like I said before, we're both on the Ace Spectrum. Only instead of lacking sexual attraction like you, I lack romantic attraction."

"Sooo what does that make the two of us?"

"Well, by the looks of it, it seems that you're some form of asexual and I'm aromantic."

"Some form of it??"

"Well, yes. You see, asexual can serve as an umbrella term. There's also gray asexual, demisexual-"

Stan thinks he's going to have a stroke

Ford promises him that they'll look more into it tomorrow

**Please be aware that I am not bisexual/asexual/aromantic so if I got something wrong PLEASE tell me and I'll correct it**

Hope you enjoyed! (If anyone makes a short fic out of this pls be sure to tag me (I want to write one myself, but I don't think I have time))

[lblwlw]

Hello!

First post here, but I have a long history with tumblr. Tumblr has always sort of been a place for me to escape because few of my friends ever had my URL/followed me. This time it’s a little more important.  

CW: Brief mentions of sexual occurrences with men, brief talk of depression, nothing too serious or graphic

TLDR; I’ve suppressed my gayness on accident for basically my whole life, identified as bi, married a man, realized I’m gay, am now figuring out my life.

Warning, this is a LONG post.

I have always been been fascinated with sexuality, more specifically same sex relationships. I was always interested in the idea of being in a same sex relationship but told myself, “no, that’s not me”. Eventually in middle school I played with the idea of being bisexual when I learned what that meant. I said, perfect. I can tell my internet friends I like girls, too, but I won’t have to tell anyone else and I can just worry about boys then at school and for my parents. I had a few crushes on boys, but the thought of actually dating them terrified me and so I very rarely did more than think about them a lot and just tell my friends that I was “too ugly” or whatever else, or “too awkward.” What they didn’t know was that through MySpace I met a girl and had a huge crush on her. We talked a lot and we said we were dating. I never really told anyone. That eventually fizzled out. 

Over time I got bullied a couple times because classmates found my MySpace and found that I identified as bi. I quickly learned it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression throughout all of school. In high school I steadily crushed on one boy almost all four years, but looking back I think I really just enjoyed and wanted to be his friend. Or I just kind of picked him as the one I liked the most so I had a crush to be a normal girl. I dated two boys the entirety of high school, the first one I broke up with because once he finally asked me out (after I “liked him”) and we did relationship things, like kissing, I was not all about it. It didn’t feel right. I thought, maybe I just didn’t like him. Next boyfriend, I wasn’t entirely objected to kissing him but it wasn’t my favorite. It got more frustrating when he wanted to do more. I wasn’t so opposed to him touching me, but when it came to touching him I was like “this ain’t it”. I stayed with him anyway, hoping I would “get over it” until he broke up with me. I wonder now if he could tell I wasn’t into it.

There was actually a time in which I thought, maybe I should date girls? One of my friends was dating a girl, and I thought that was wonderful. I went to her to tell her that I had been thinking maybe I’d rather date girls. I totally blocked this conversation out of my head until recently.

Once I was done with high school I was discouraged but tried to date a few different guys. None of them went that fantastically. If I met them online, I usually came up with a reason we couldn’t meet. “Maybe this just won’t work” It was fun to talk and flirt but when it came down to bringing it into real life I’d panic because that meant kissing a guy again, and possibly having sex. It made me totally uncomfortable. Finally I said, “I wish I was just into girls, ugh.” Remembered that I was, and that I should try it finally. I matched with this sweet girl that was about a year younger than me. She seemed so put together and so kind. We went on a few dates, getting ramen, fancy cupcakes, riding on a trolly in the city, etc. I remember when I got to kiss her in public and I was SO pumped to be seen doing that! Another time, I believe I drove her home but we parked away from her house and made out in my car. I still remember so much of it vividly. 

Eventually I realized that if I was seriously dating her, she would want it to be known. I’d have to face my fears and tell my family. For some reason, this absolutely terrified me. It shouldn’t have but it did. I thought through my options, and decided I should just find a nice guy that will love me and spend my life with me so I don’t have to do this anymore. I did the unspeakable act of basically just ghosting her and pursued a guy from work who, realistically, kind of freaked me out. Thanks to good old compulsive heterosexuality, I read this as my attraction to him. Thankfully, he was pretty easily attracted to me. I recall early in the relationship wishing I hadn’t done that awful thing to that girl, and that I wish I was still dating a girl. Nothing was technically wrong with my relationship that I had now, but something felt off. Like I was missing something. I tucked that away somewhere in my head and enjoyed building an amazing friendship with this man. I did love him, and I still do. He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we have a lot of shared interests and he’s taught me so much intentionally and unintentionally. 

We got married last year and while I felt grateful I had this amazing person beside me, I remember a part of me wondering if this was right for me. I had this weird little empty pocket somewhere in my heart. That I had given up my young adulthood maybe, and that I could have experienced being with... a woman, for real. I thought, I wish I could have met my husband later in life, maybe. Maybe then I’d have gotten my desires for women out of the way and then been with him forever. Because I do love him, he’s a good person and deserves to be loved. I enjoyed the wedding as a big party that I got to have with my family, but I just remember wondering where that extreme excitement was that everyone always described. Was I broken?

Now over a year later, I was sitting at home one day feeling lost and depressed. I had been on TikTok and saw all these young people having fun and I wished that I had spent more time trying to have fun in the past, before I got married. I thought, I could do it now, but what if something happened and I somehow I fell for one of these girls while being with my husband? Wait... why would I even think that? I started to really analyze this thought. I thought, if I was bi like I had always identified, why could I not be happy with my husband? Well, I was, but something was missing. This thought popped into my head: Oh no. What if I am gay? 

What?! Why would I think that? That’s crazy. I would have known as a kid like everyone says. Right? That’s how that works. I chalked this up to feeling like I was missing out and tried to stop thinking about it. It was hard not to, though. And so I googled one morning while out listening to the birds, after escaping bed before my husband rose to avoid his intimacy: “lesbian married to a man”

This article came up about a woman who had been married to a man for many years and they had kids. She started to question herself, and her attraction to him. I don’t remember all of it but I remember getting really uncomfortable but also having this weird sense of calm. That finally, I felt like I identified with something. I wasn’t really sure though. I sent a message to the lady who wrote the article. She replied a week later telling me that she had a podcast called Lesbian Chronicles. I said, okay, I need to listen to this. I listened to about two episodes or so when they mentioned this thing called “The Master Doc” and the reddit sub called Late Bloomer Lesbians. I was like “Holy crap, a community??”

I logged onto reddit for the first time ever. I saw all these women posting in similar situations to me. I found “The Master Doc” and “Straight women don’t say...”

It was like a light bulb went off. Oh my god, everything makes sense! Maybe I’m NOT broken! I remembered all the women that I had crushes on. All the times I thought about women but told myself I was just “weird” and tried not to think about it. I always thought, no I can’t be gay because I wasn’t sure of it as a kid. Now I realized that women especially are fed a straight narrative. It’s “normal” to not be attracted to men the way they are to you. It’s normal to not totally enjoy sex with men... When I learned that we’ve been told this, and it isn’t really true... I wanted to cry. Now I was in the biggest “pickle” ever. I have this man who loves me, who I said vows to swearing I loved him the same forever. Did I just accept who I was and what I did and live with it? Did I break up with him? That seemed to harsh. I heard a lot of women in the same position say they spoke to a therapist. I immediately googled therapists in my area that specialized in LGBTQ+ issues, sent an email ASAP, and felt a little bit of relief. I knew this was real because after years of playing with the idea of seeing a therapist, this came so naturally when I needed help with this.

Now I am here. I feel very confident that I am gay, and my dad knows now. I tried to bring it up with my husband but it didn’t go very well. He currently thinks that maybe I’m just a sad bisexual who hasn’t been able to express her bi-ness. I am at a point a conversation needs to happen again. I told myself when my lesbian flag and pin came in the mail, I would talk to him again. It’s being delivered today. I am terrified, to say the least. It feels so wrong to “betray” this man who has dedicated to much time and work to giving us as good a life as he can. But I need to live my truth. It will come. I’m low-key excited for it. I hope maybe this helps someone going through the same thing.

-Anonymous Married Lesbian

[lapixie]

Ten Years Later Chapter 2

Part 1

Chapter 2

Tony doesn’t go right to sleep. Instead he goes online, and he looks up everything! He learns about the last ten years the best way there is, by looking up all the gossip and news. He learns that they still have not perfected the flying car, but they did shoot one into space. What the fuck Elon? Simpsons was still playing. Supernatural went away, then came right back. They were on season 22 now. Destiel was still not a thing. 

Then he looked up his friends and family. Holy shit! Peter was gay...or well...bi...maybe pan? Whatever he was, he wasn’t straight. And the world knew that he was Spiderman? He didn’t go too deep into that, figured it would be best for him to wait for the kid to tell him everything about that. And actually, maybe it would be better for the rest of them to be the ones to give updates on their lives also. He finally falls asleep as the sun was coming up.

The next morning, everyone woke up to the smell of bacon, sausage, eggs, home fries and pancakes. Walking into the kitchen, they were all surprised to see Tony at the stove.

“Morning Mr. Stark, I didn’t know you could cook?” Peter asked, while adorably running his hands through his hair.

“Breakfast, the most important meal of the day!” He blustered, trying not to stare at Peters abs peeking out from where his t-shirt was rising up.

Pepper laughed out loud, saying “What he means is; Breakfast, you cook it for the girl you’re about to kick out so there’s no hard feelings!”

“Hey, no slander Pep! I did it to the boys too!” 

Peter choked on his coffee he had just taken a sip of, sputtering “Boys? Mr. Stark, I didn’t know you swung that way…?”

“Yeah, no sense being a playboy if you’re gonna limit yourself to only half the population!” 

“Oh.”

“Does it bother you? I didn’t think it would, the internet is full of photos of you with other people. Including Flash?! What the hell kid? Isn’t he the one who bullied you for so long?”

“People change Mr. Stark. The snap changed a lot of people. Some for the better, some for the worse. Flash was for the better. Also, it’s been a while since I’ve been a kid.”

Tony felt his eyes slowly sliding down Peter’s body, but snapped them quickly back up to meet his eyes.

“Yeah. Yeah. Well, if you’re not gonna answer to kid anymore, you better call me Tony.”

With a hitch in his breath, Peter answered “Sure Mr….Tony. Might take some time to get used to though.”

They joined Pepper, Happy and Rhodey at the table, where the others had already started eating. They took turns filling him in on the people that had survived the snap.

“What?!” he yelled, “Thor got fat?!” He couldn’t help but chuckle, thinking of the handsome alien god with a belly of pudge. Not that there was anything wrong with that.

“Tony,” Peter gave him a stern look “It’s not funny. His whole planet was destroyed, then Thanos killed most of the survivors, including his brother, then his snap decimated what was left. We’re lucky he didn’t kill himself! Besides, he’s still badass and could beat you one handed.”

“Kid!” He cried, clutching at his chest. “My heart! I thought you loved me!”

“I do love you Mr. Stark. Which is why I would never lie to you. Thor would kick your ass.” He deadpanned.

“Hey, what happened to Tony?!”

“What happened to not calling me kid?”

“Touche. Moving on…so you went to Europe and met Quentin Beck?”

“Yeah, I messed up. I trusted him. I was in a really bad place. You, May, and Ned had all just been dusted. SHEILD was pressuring me to be Spiderman more than I was willing to at the time. I just wanted a vacation, ya know? But even that had some world ending, cataclysmic happening. By the time we thought we were done with all that, I was just ready to be me. Just Peter. So I gave Beck EDITH. The last thing you had trusted me with, and I just gave it away…”

Seeing Peter’s face so contorted with guilt and grief was breaking Tony’s heart. He couldn’t believe that he had had a hand in one of the worst times of his life. “Oh, kid, I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to handle that responsibility so young!”

With a quirk of a smile, Peter replied “It’s okay. I made it right. It was really bad for awhile though. Mysterio told everyone that I was Spiderman, at the same time he told them all that I was a murdering psychopath. With video evidence. Long story. SHEILD stepped in and proved me innocent, but I had already been outed. It was crazy for awhile. I was dating MJ and scared for her. The bad guys were actually the least of the problems. It was the paparazzi. They wouldn’t leave us alone! Plus, I was still having panic attacks from being hit by the train.”

“Excuse me?! What by the what now?!”

“Yeah, Mysterio was messing with my mind. Anyway, Everything finally started getting better, everything calmed down. Me and MJ decided we were better off as friends after a couple of years. I had my great gay awakening. Dated Flash for about a year, we were better off as friends too. And that’s about it for me. Oh, and while searching for a way to reverse the snap, I found a couple of cures, including one that let’s Bruce choose when he wants to Hulk out, and lets him keep his mind. Almost like an animagus mixed with wolfsbane potion? No? It’s a Harry Potter thing.”

“Wow. That’s...a lot. Pep, how about you? Tell me your last ten years have been a bit...tamer?”

“Well, I had a baby, then another, ran away to Paris to get married to Happy. It didn’t work out, but we’re still great friends.”

“What? Seriously?” That was...shocking to say the least. He always thought Happy was gay. And he didn’t mean in the...haha...happy way.

Pepper laughed. “No, but your face is priceless.” She said while rolling her eyes. “Actually, most of my time has been spent putting out fires started by Tony Jr. over here.” She pointed over at Peter.

“Hey!” Peter cried, with a hand over his heart, a fake wounded expression on his face. “I resent that! I’m much worse than him!”

Pepper gave a little half-smile, half-laugh that Tony recognized from how she used to look at him. Just yesterday for him, but apparently an entire decade for her. It was finally starting to sink in. He missed ten years of their lives. He missed seeing Peter grow up. Happy and Rhodey were grey. Pepper had wrinkles. They had all continued living their lives. Without him. And he couldn’t even be mad. He was gone! They couldn’t exactly pause time to wait for someone to get him back.

“Mr…Tony, are you okay?” Peter sounded worried. He couldn’t do that to the kid, not after everything he went through with EDITH. Because of him.

Shaking his head, like it could remove the thoughts from his brain, Tony smiled and replied “Yeah, Pete, I’m fine. Just jet lagged. That’s a thing, right? If you can get jet lagged from changing time zones, imagine my jet lag changing decades!”

Everyone laughed, just as he meant them to.

“So Happy, honeybear, tell me, did you find a mad passionate love for each other in the ten years I was gone?”

Happy and Rhodey rolled their eyes simultaneously, which just caused Tony to laugh more.

“See?! You’re already in sync!”

“Tony, shut up. I’m actually still happily single, and Happy is not so happily single.”

Happy elbowed Rhodey in the side, mumbling that he was fine.

“Happy, who broke your heart? Who do I need to reign the might of Tony Stark down on?” Tony was joking, but he was also totally serious.

“Careful boss, you reign your might, you’ll be taking on a certain Spiderman!” Happy chuckled, picturing this.

Tony felt something cold in his chest. Happy and Peter? No. Peter was his! Well, not his, his, but his protege! 

Peter was watching Tony, as if he was expecting him to laugh and say something like he could take him, but instead Tony just got real quiet.

“Don’t worry Tony, even if you went after Aunt May, I doubt I’d have to do anything! She’d tear you apart all by herself!” He would probably deny it to his dying day, but Peter totally giggled at that.

Tony’s head snapped up from where it had started to droop towards his chest, his eyes meeting Peters. 

“Aunt May? I thought he meant ...so it wasn’t you?” The relief Tony felt was immense. And completely inappropriate. It was none of his business who Peter dated. He didn’t even know the kid any more. Case in point, not a kid! 

Peter and Happy started laughing uproariously, so hard he thought they may just fall over.

“Me and the kid?! Are you out of your mind? He just got over his annoying never stop talking stage. And he relapses! Oh God, kill me if I ever even think about it! Also, uh, I’m straight, so…” Happy shrugged, like “what are you gonna do”?

“Yeah, Tony, no offense to Happy, but he’s not my type. If I wanted to be with someone who rolled their eyes and stopped listening anytime I was talking, I would have stayed with Flash.”

His eyes were warm as he said this though, like it was fond memories.

“Well Pete, if they don’t listen to you, that’s their stupidity. You were already one of the smartest people I knew, and you were a teenager at the time.”

Remembering the kid he was, looking at who he was now, made him sad. He missed so much of Peter’s life.

“Thanks Tony. Wish more people felt that way.” Peter was smiling while he said it though, so he could tell he wasn’t really upset.

“Okay well, for me it’s been less than 24 hours since you saw me last, so not much has changed.” 

As they cleaned up from breakfast, Tony couldn’t help staring at Peter. When he raised his arms to put dishes in the cupboard and his abs showed under his shirt. When he bent over to put the pans away, and he showed off his amazing ass. Tony could feel himself getting hard. He had to nip this in the bud.

“Okay Pete, I think I might go get reaquainted with the lab. Dum E, Butterfingers, and U must be missing me. And Friday has been suspiciously quiet.”

“It’s not suspicious boss! I’ve just been letting you get re-acclimated. I was being nice! Last time I do that!” For an AI, it was shocking how much emotion you could hear in her voice. She was the most sarcastic, loving, AI in the world.

“Friday! Baby! I’ve missed you!” Tony yelled with a big grin on his face.

“No you didn’t boss. It’s been less than a day for you. But I appreciate the sentiment.” She drawled. “Now, come, your kids have missed you.”

With that, the elevator opened and sat waiting for Tony. 

“Guess that’s my queue. Later Underoos!” He yelled, scurrying to the elevator, with his hands in a peace sign, hearing Peter yelling that he wasn’t Underoos anymore in the background. “You’ll always be my Underoos!” He called back with a grin. Man, it felt good to be back!

@stxrker-fan-xx

[skyking91-archive]

contract || sky & mat

Discord thread featuring: Sky & @mathieuberinut

When: September 23, 2020

Where: Mat’s manager’s office

Mentions: @samuelburton

Description: Sky signs a contract agreeing to be Mat’s fake girlfriend to help keep him in the closet

Trigger Warnings: some internalize homophobia maybe????? 

Mathieu

Mat didn’t really want to do this but he knew his management was right. Ever since his name became known, he hadn’t once been connected with some girl who the tabloids could say he was dating. It was starting to look a little suspicious, especially after the photos that came out last week. He wasn’t on a date with that actor, they were just hanging around as friends but the internet went crazy. His management were clear that if he wanted to stay in the closet, something needed to be done about it. And if it could act as publicity for upcoming movie, even better. Chasity suggested a girl called Sky when he talked to her and, after giving the name to his people, they made quick work on setting up a meeting. He walked in five minutes late and sat down, trying to get an impression on what Sky was like.

Sky.

Since Sky was pretty much set on giving up prostitution and escorting so that she could get back together with Sam, she needed to find a job. The theater wasn't enough to keep her loft and lifestyle, and even if she was going to work at Jaycee's studio she knew that still wouldn't be enough. Sky knew she was superficial and cared a little bit too much about material things, but could you blame the girl? She grew up with nothing. And now that she had something, she didn't want to let that go. When Chas had told her about this job opportunity with her up and coming actor brother, she figured that it would be a perfect compromised for Sam. He didn't seem too thrilled about it, but she knew that he liked it a whole lot better than her escorting. And she was career orientated; he knew that she wasn't going to give up her work so easily. This dude though was already getting on her nerves because he was so late. Sky was never late. She always kept her appointments and she and found it fucking rude that he was even five minutes late. Sky looked at the skinny man who sat down in front of her, and sized him up. She was supposed to be dating him? Jesus. "Sky King." She said, holing out her hand across the table for the actor to shake.

Mathieu

Mat could already tell that this was going to be a long meeting. Not necesarily because they had a lot to say, but more because he didn't do very well with strangers and so this was bound to feel like an eternity. In hindsight, Mat really wished he asked his sister to introduce them before giving her number to his management and leaving them to take care of everything. After all, he was the one who was going to have to date her...sort of. He gave her a smile that he wasn't sure even reached his eyes and shook her hand. "Pleasure to meet you." Not really, but he wasn't about to say that. He needed to at least try to make a good impression considering how much time they were going to have to spend together. "Mathieu Berinut but you can just call me Mat." He looked around in curiosity, then turned back to Sky. "Have they told you what would be expected of you already?"

Sky.

Sky had met a handful of famous people in her life; living in Kingsboro made that pretty easy. Some of them were down to earth, whereas others tended to be real pricks. This guy seemed somewhere in the middle, but only time could tell what he was really like. And Sky was sure that she would get to know this man very well. "Pleasure." She nodded. Sky was such a goof ball and knew how to have fun, but in settings like this she was very classy and professional. Chas knew that, which was probably one of the reasons she suggested Sky for this job. "Not much. Just that I'd be going to a lot fo appearances with you. And that I'd obviously have to keep my own relationship on the down-low. I've been someone's fake girlfriend before. A friend..." Eevee was still a sore topic for her and it looked like she didn't need to be her fake girlfriend anymore since she couldn't even remember her to begin with and seemed all buddy-buddy with her parents now. "So I'm pretty good at this. What else should I know?" She asked, raising her brow.

Mathieu

Mat felt pretty bad when she mentioned her own relationship. Chas hadn’t told him that Sky was seeing someone and he really didn’t want to be the cause of any relationship troubles but then he reminded himself that she agreed. His management made an offer and then it was up to Sky to decide whether it was something she was willing to do, he didn’t force her. “That’s pretty much it, yeah. Appearances, premieres...that sort of thing. And obviously some social media posts to show that we’re hanging out”, he explained. At her question, Mat couldn’t help tense up a little. Considering she was doing this, he knew that Sky needed to be told the whole truth but it still made him freeze. “Uh...you should probably know why I’m doing this in the first place. Apart from publicity there’s also the fact that I’m...bi. Obviously that’s not common knowledge though and I don’t want it to be. So you’ll also have to sign a non-disclosure agreement to make sure that doesn’t leave this room.”

Sky.

“Sound.” Sky wasn’t opposed to posting about Mat on social media. She’d rather post about her own boyfriend, but she recognized that this gig was going to be really good for her own career. She loves being at Bullskits, but she didn’t want to be on off Broadway her whole life. She furrowed her brows at his next words, grabbing on of her braids and twisting it around in her finger. Sky was bi too, but never once felt the need to hide who she was. Not in her adult life at least. She pressed her lips together, debating on saying what she really wanted to say and fearing she’d come off too judge mental. She leaned over the table slightly and cocked her head. “You’re paying me all this money because you don’t want to come out?” Of course Sky knew there were plenty of reasons people didn’t want to come out, and the poor man probably had some serious trauma with it. She sat back in her seat and took a deep breath. “But that’s fine. I won’t tell anyone. I’ll sign.” She told him flatly.

Mathieu

Mat narrowed his eyes, not appreciating being called out like this. It was easy to judge him for doing this rather than coming out but no one knew about what he went through. His sister told their parents that she was dating a girl and they lost it. They completely disowned her and wouldn’t listen to reason, even when she kept trying to tell them that she liked boys too. If that wasn’t traumatic enough, then there was also the little detail that he went for a career where his personal life stopped being private. He was seen in a few photos with another guy and people went crazy. Mat wasn’t ready to face the judgement associated with coming out, and he doubted he ever would. “Sure, I’m paying you all this money to help me look good in the public eye and get me some publicity for my next movie not to pass comments about what I choose to do with my own life.” He was going to have a long word with Chasity about the people she suggested for a fake girlfriend. “Good. I don’t think I need to tell you what would happen if you were to break it after signing.”

Sky.

Well that shut the actress up real fast. She still thought he was a fucking prick but it was his choice if he wanted to come out the closer or not. Sky was gorgeous, good in front of cameras and crowds, classy, fashionable, and always knew the right thing to say. She was actually perfect for this job and the zeros on the contract in front of her made this impossible to turn down for whatever reason. She finally let out one big deep breath and attempted not to roll her eyes at his pretentious comment. “Fine.” She agreed, nodding. “Where do I sign?” Holding her hand out for him to give her a pen.

Mathieu

Mat hoped that at least his sister was right in saying that Sky was the best to act as his fake girlfriend. So far, he was not very impressed with what he was seeing but it was more because of her attitude than because of her skill. It’s not like he had much of an opportunity to see her in action. He picked up the contract left to him by his management and found the last page, where Sky’s signature was required and he handed her both the contract and a pen. “Here you go. Is there anything I need to know about you before you sign?”

Sky.

Sky knew she was going to be good at this job. She was a natural at it and had been arm candy for men for years. She has to admit, the idea of being in the public eye was a little daunting. But Sky had dreams of her own; singing, acting and dancing on stage — she would most likely be a natural in front of the cameras and during interviews. This was going to be such an amazing opportunity when it came to her career, and all the money sheas being offered made it possible to afford the luxurious lifestyle she was living while working as a high end escort. This was a no brainer. “Nope. Let’s do this.” She said, picking up the pen and signing on the dotted line.

Mathieu

Mat knew that he should probably warn her of what being in the public eye meant. Any sort of private life went out of the window and pretending they were together meant that they couldn’t be seen dating anyone else. This wouldn’t be much of a problem for him but he wasn’t sure he could say the same about Sky. Going through it all would be endless though and Mat wanted to spare himself more judgement about his coming out or lack of it. Management could go through all the “rules” with her. He watched as she signed the contract then took the pen from her and did the same on the other side. “Well...I guess we’re dating now.”

[punkinroses]

Yugioh Season 4 Quotes Prompt Meme

I am stressed, tired, sick of my job and needing a brain break. Yugioh Abridged is my go to for that at the moment. So. Have a sentence meme thing. Feel free to reblog, change pronouns, etc. Go have fun kids. Be wild. Be gay. Do crime. Love you

“The whole saving the world thing really eats into your study time.” “But my teacher gave me, like, a bunch of gold stars! And an A+ in trying.” “I already know everything I need to know about mathematics from playing card games.” “I was also thinking about doing some of the drugs later.” “(name)’s hand is on fire!” “That sounds like a commotion! .......Yes. Definitely a commotion.” “Well, I’m sure the city can defend itself.” “Those neutral motherfuckers. I never cared for them.” “How the hell did you people get in my house!?” “I’m not sure I like the rich douchebag channel.” “We figured you had more of an emotional connection to these.” “Damnit, (name), we agreed I would do the monologuing.” “My spirit guide has once again served its purpose.” “It’ll be called the bitch ass retirement plan. Named after you, ya bitch ass!” “That’s some OP bullshit right there.” “Broseph...Brosephine...Bro DiMaggio.” “I’ve got shoulder pads!” “Now what are you gonna do, Bromeo and Juliet?” “It’s not often I get to hear the worst insult ever coined by a human being.” “Yeah, they once sucked out Channing Tatum’s soul as a joke.” “I have nothing else in my life, please!” “So you’re someone I haven’t seen in a really, really long time? .........Are you my parents??!!” “Stop abusing the concept of friendship!!” “You must have spent YEARS researching this! Even though you can find this exact information on the back of any Yu-Gi-Oh! DVD!” “King of doors, bitch!” “That’s two points for Middle Earth, zero points for (name).” “I was not prepared to watch this today.” “Okay, so, you’re a lost cause.” “If even one of you makes a Sharknado reference, I will end you so hard.” “Try this on for size, you Sauron-looking motherfucker!” “I thought we had an agreement! You agreed to not be a little bitch, but now you’re being a little bitch!” “Maybe they’ll take someone’s soul that we don’t care about this time.” “Goddamnit, you never help me, ever!!” “Alright, douchebags! I’m sick and tired of us not being on top!” “These meetings get fucking weird.” “How much more specific can I get? SOMEWHERE in CALIFORNIA.” “I wonder if there are card games on the moon.” “I knew it. This is just some cheap trick to get me to come see you, so you can hit on me with a bunch of cheap innuendos, isn’t it?” “And, to think, people call you a diluted egomaniac.” “That’s not possible! I’M the adorable one!” “For some reason, cruising for chicks has caused me to become severely injured.” “I would be so turned on if that wasn’t such a huge waste of trading cards.” “I’d like to spread some vegemite on those things.” “You left me on a blimp with a known psychopath, while I was in a coma, so you could go off and play video games.” “So, in other words, since we’ve never seen your balls drop, we can assume it hasn’t happened?” “My douche-senses are telling me that (name) is mocking me somewhere.” “Should I remind you to tell them to go fuck themselves when we get there?” “He will eat you with his crocodile face.” “Okay, did you have to include the part of the story where they insulted me?” “Hey, a sword! I can stab people with this!” “Seriously? That was your one Koala joke?” “Try believing in the heart of the cards.” “Quiet, you sorcerer.” “If you’re seeing this, (name), it either means I’m dead, leaving behind a very fabulous looking corpse, or my soul has been captured.” “Maybe it had something very kinky on it and 4Kids had to censor it.” “I’ll leave that up to the fanfic authors.” “I’ll write a highly unfavorable research paper about you! With inconclusive findings!” “I feel like I should be concerned, but I just can’t stop thinking about how Copernicus is such a stupid name for a horse.” “You know that thing takes people’s souls and I found it on a dead guy, right?” “That was acting, children! Bravo for me!” “According to my research, I’m in a crapload of pain.” “Learned that trick from playing Super Mario World.” “I’ll just be over here wibbling to myself. Please, pay me no mind.” “Okay, everyone. I’m going to go scream into a pillow for the next five minutes.” “Are you telling me that we can't build an elevator into space?! Because that sounds like something a guy who doesn't want to keep his job would say!” “And let me tell you one last thing. All those times I got angry and declared that I would have my vengeance on you: I WAS FAKING!” “I'm glad we spent all our money on this bag of potato chips and generic brand soda.” “By the way, I memorized several dozen dinosaur puns, just so I could use them in this.” “The only reunion that’s about to happen is my size ten up your buttocks!” “Dorō! Monsutā Kādo!” “You're right, (name). I lost control. At the end of the day, this is just a game.” “We’re going to disturb the spirits of the dead! Yay!” “What the fuck even is this season!?” “Won’t somebody fetch me some ice cream!?” “I’m old and I hold a stick. That automatically makes me the wisest person in the valley.” “It’s a good thing I played all that Assassin’s Creed!” “It’s a good thing I played all that Banjo Kazooie!” “Oh, thank God, because I really wasn’t listening to any of that. Any of it.” “Now, I have to go back down there and challenge that vulture to a card game.” “Okay, (name), I’m going to level with you; I may have lied about the pizza.” “It makes me look really bonkers cool while I kick the shit out of you.” “Actually, he says his name is Cornelius Jr. and he wants to play basketball, just like how his father wanted him to.” “You can talk to snakes!?” “Hey, are you sure it’s safe for us to fly straight into that strange weather phenomenon?” “I guess we’d better confront whatever villain of the week that is.” “Well, these buttons look important.” “We mostly get by using our street smarts and ingenuity.” “No, I'm mad because I never wanted to know what one of Hideo Kojima's wet dreams looked like, and now I do, so thanks for that.” “I swear on my life we didn't keep a single flying war machine of death.” “Well, it would be way more intimidating if its face wasn't so damn adorable.” “Yeah, they’re dead. Dibs on their crappy broken stuff!” “Did you guys notice that this episode had the exact same ending as Bee Movie?” “I'm also glad we're not going to Florida as it means that we are not going to Florida.” “OK, but wait! I'm almost to the part where we met two ghosts in the California desert who just happened to be related to the guy we're fighting. Oh God, you're right; it's all just bullshit, isn't it?” “Breaking stuff will fix it!” “I'm bi a lot of things, but lingual is not one of them.” “Welcome back, asshole.” “Hey (name), wanna reenact a scene from Back to the Future Part II?” “I'd rather throw myself off the roof.” “Damn you, Microsoft Flight Simulator!” “Yes, but you had to steal my catchphrase to do it! Is nothing sacred to you?” “That is the single most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me.” “OK, children, from now on, everybody uses the Buddy System. When I say "Go," I want you all to choose a buddy and form an everlasting and inseparable bond between them 'till death do you part. OK, go!” “(Name), remember, whatever happens, you mustn't become an evil little sh*thead.” “Suckers! Consider yourselves ditched.“ “Well if any other anime in existence has taught me anything, most of the drama tends to happen on...the roof.“ “Just my luck. Dork Fest continues.“ “No! It's got a scythe. The deadliest farming implement known to man.“ “This heavy-hearted metaphor was brought to you by Da, a subsidiary of Doy, Inc.” “OK, this is also total BS. When I came back from the dead, I didn't get a chorus of heavenly music and a light show.“ “It's a good thing I'm so buff or that fall would've killed me.“ “(Name), promise me you're not going to embarrass me in front of the U.S. Military.” “ Guys, I think we took a wrong turn, because I'm pretty sure this is the Chamber of Secrets.” “Those aren't Funko Pops! They're much more disturbing!” “Yeah, makes your measly five thousand years look like a five thousand years of being a bitch, bitch.“ “Okay, but why are we in space?” “I have no idea who that is. You are talkin' fucking crazy right now, man. Are you okay? Do you need water? How long were you in the desert for?“ “For the record, I was dressing up in suits of armor before it was cool.“ “(Name), this is like, the third time you've tried to murder one of my friends, stop it!” “Nah. As a teenager with unlimited access to the Internet, I get to do that every day.” “As I was saying, (name) is a damn handsome and valuable person. Thank goodness for them.” “They died as they lived... pissing me off.” “Okay, who let the posh shithead in here?” “I'm so happy you escaped the cold embrace of death so that I could experience your deathly cold embrace again!“ “Wow. My eBay sensors are tingling.“ “You know, we really have no idea where this portal will take us, but I have total confidence in this decision.“ “None of this matters to you! You're already dead! Blah, blah, blah, omae wa mou shindeiru.” “Glad we came all the way up here so that we could not know what was going on.“ “Does this mean I can take back all the nice things I said?“ “I'm not doing any of those things. I'm just enjoying being with you.”

[nerdygaymormon]

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1)   I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2)   I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3)   I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4)   I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.  

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5)   BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6)   The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7)   After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8)   In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9)   Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10)   The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11)   I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12)   I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13)   Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14)   In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me. 

15)   To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16)   A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17)   Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18)   In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19)   Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20)   My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21)   Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22)   I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23)   It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24)   I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25)   I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

[elle-christine]

Lovey Dovey Questions:

Reverting to my happy little Tumblr days; blogging away with my 16 year-old wistful intentions but now I’m married and all kinds of in lurrrrv.  How did you meet? 
My roommate and I got invited to a Young Adults Potluck/game night at our Church. We only knew one person there, but before we got there my roommate kept telling me “you’re about to meet your husband. I can’t believe we’re going to go to this tonight and you’re going to meet your husband.” But the majority of the night we sat in the corner with our one friend a bunch of girls and were planning on leaving to go to get food. I thought “I’m not meeting my husband here...”. But then we played a group game and I noticed him from across the room, and he noticed me. And the rest is history. How did he ask you to be his?

 We met up at the union on campus to talk, we had just told each other the night before that we had feelings for one another. We walked to the parking garage together and he kept making comments about “us”. So I asked him in the garage--what exactly is “us”. And then we made a logical and rational decision to date. Your first memory with them: Going to a restaurant after the game night, thinking he was cute but so serious and probably too cool for me. And thinking that he would make a good husband to someone someday. Why is your relationship different from others you have had? I was ready, he was ready. We had both taken a few years off from dating to determine what we should be looking for in a partner and to grow as humans on our own. We have a strong dedication to communication and intentionality. Ten things you like about them.
 1. His passionate pursuit of Jesus. 2. His intentional pursuit of our marriage. 3. His ability to be goofy, relaxed, and silly with me but be mature, serious, and polished in public. 4. He’s a great listener and a strong conversationalist. 5. His depth and intelligence. 6. His love of black coffee, the sun and water, minimalism, sustainability. 7. His gentleness and emotional availability. 8. His tender heart and natural kindness. 9. His respect for me. 10. His ability to lead well. How often do you see each other?
 In the morning when we wake up and at night before we go to bed. No matter how crazy and busy our lives get, getting to do that is such a blessing. 

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? on someone who can’t ghost me; 10/10 recommend.  2: Have you ever been deeply in love? currently a deeply in love lady. 3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in? 23 months tomorrow.  4: Have you ever changed for someone? Ironically, I changed more for the ones I didn’t actually date; tried to change to get them and clearly it didn’t work. 0/10 not recommended.  5: How is your relationship with your ex? One is friendly and two are non-existent.  6: Have you ever been cheated on? I don’t have proof but I believe there was a little somethin somethin going down behind my back. 7: Have you ever cheated? No. 8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating? no longer an option, but I think I would really struggle with that.  9: What’s the most important parts of a relationship? An ability to communicate, to be partners and to balance one another out, to complement each others strengths and weaknesses.   10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? I like being married. 11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? Nahhhhhhhh 13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? Being in relationships before I was confident/comfortable with who I was, and having relationships that were not Christ-centered and wondering why they weren’t working. 14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? I think the fact that this says “kids” is clear that the answer is never.  15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”? In some sense, yes. But cultural/generational things will play an impact.  16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”? No; I think love is a choice and something to work at.  17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet? In some situations, sure; however again I think it takes communication and work.  18: What do you consider a deal breaker? Not knowing and following the Lord. Unequally yoked is a thing.  19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? If there are clear signs that a future is not going to happen, it’s likely that it will be more painful later on.  20: Are you currently in a relationship? Indeed.  21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Honestly, no. I think you can remain cordial and friendly, but I don’t think it’s healthy or fair to continue a close friendship.  22: Do you think people should date their friends? Yes; I think friendship can have a solid foundation for a strong relationship.  23: How many relationships have you had? truthfully one that matters.  24: Do you think love can last forever? yes 25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? love and the Lord.  26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? It would depend on the basis for disapproval. If there were genuine concern for safety, red flags I wasn’t seeing, if I was in danger, than yes. Thankfully, my mom more than approves of Alex.  27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? Wait wait wait; be patient and focus more on yourself, guard your heart more.  28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? They can, but they take a LOT of intentionality and work; and need to have a resolution in sight.  29: What do you notice first about another person? Probably height, and overall demeanor (calm, loud, etc.) 30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? straight. 31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? no, but I am thankful that he doesn’t because I do, and I appreciate the balance.  32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? in some sense.  33: Do you want to get married one day? I am! 34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed? That’s a no from me dawg. 35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? I’m thankful that I’m not, but till death do us part and if sex was no longer an option for us--we would be just fine.  36: Are you still a virgin? I am a married lady.  37: What’s more important: Looks or personality? looks will not last forever. Personality and a desire to be a good steward of your body.  38: Do you enjoy love films? I’m not a big movie person tbh  39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? Alex occasionally surprises me with them which is rad.  40: Have you ever had a valentine? Only one that counts! 41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”? Going to the beach, eating sushi, watching the sunset (or rise; but switch the sushi for coffee), worship music and reading together.  43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends? Husband is first.  44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”? I like ironic romance; cute gestures that purposely meant to be cheesy.  45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? I am married to my favorite friend. 46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”? honestly...no.  48: What’s your favorite love song? oh gosh, want me to make a whole damn list About Him.

Name? Alex Age? 31 When did you two begin dating? March 2018

What do you think of him? He’s okay...I guess. What does he think of you? Probably that I’m weird and kind of smell. Who asked who out first? I believe he did after some strong hinting from me. Did you like him before he asked you? I was intrigued but also guarded.  How old were you two? 25 and 29 What did you think of it at first? After about 5 minutes I was concerned he was “like, actually weird”. But by the end of the night I felt like I had just met a future best friend. Has it been a good relationship so far? Indeed.  Cutest thing he’s ever done? Goodness; surprising me with the cheesiest gift set-up when I woke up on Valentines Day morning. Bringing me a rose with the medicine he picked up for me when I was sick. Making me a handmade birthday card. Setting up a table with our pictures and couples Christmas gifts for when I came back from the holidays.  Do you have a “song”? “God Be” By Chris Renzema What was your most memorable experience? Getting married. And all that went into that decision, proces, etc.  When is your actual anniversary? Well...3/24/18, but also 7/14/19, and 11/12/19, and maybe 8/8/2020.  Do you guys tell each other everything? every.thing. Probably too much. Marriage.  What’s your favorite thing to do together? read and pray. drink coffee. go for hikes/walks. Find tiny cabins in the middle of nowhere and hole up for a weekend doing married people things.  Most fun date you two have been on? This past valentines we ate too much sushi and had a movie night with wine and donuts. Last summer we went to a leadership conference, the zoo, walked around Royal Oak, and got dinner with my family. Or our mini-honeymoon; the beach, staying at a B&B, sushi for dinner, wine and exchanging vows alone. How did ya’ll first kiss? We had planned on not kissing for a month but we were eating hummus and watching Miracle and decided to make it happen.  What does he call you? We’re pretty exclusively on “babe” Has anyone ever seriously proposed to you? And it worked. 

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[ericadownunderpart2]

The Great Barrier “Ralph”

Tuesday and Wednesday I checked off one of my bucket list activities.  I took an overnight boat and snorkelled thr the Great Barrier Reef.  We visited one of the Outer Reefs, the Thetford Reef, 3 hours out from Cairns.  One of the ost spectacular sites ever!

So full disclosure, this might be one of my least visual appealing posts because I did not have an underwater camera and really didn’t use my phone too much because everything on the boat is soaking wet all the time.  Most of the pics from topside are mine, but all the fish/coral pics are courtesy of the internet.  They are all things I really saw though..Anyway, sit back, put your comfy pants on, get a glass of wine...cause this is a long one.

My Great Barrier Reef (GBR) voyage was aboard a small 65 foot motor sailing schooner called the Rum Runner. It was advertised as "an affordable reef experience for backpackers and budget-conscious travelers" (You know how I love a deal) It lives up to it's no frills expectations. The boat is owned by a man named Richard who is also known as Rum. He also owns the hostel I am staying at...another no frills frills experience. Rum is a kind of wiry frantic man, who when I told him that the door to the refrigerator fell off when I opened it, he said  “Oh yeah, that...well, you can put your stuff in the other fridge.”  Hmmm.  No frills indeed.  But it is actually a nice room with my own bed and A/C.  All the basics covered.

Anyway, back to the reef...the captain of the Rum Runner was also quite a character.  His name is Jace and he looks exactly like what you would imagine a grizzled sailor to look like (only he’s on the small side).  Long, unkempt hair and covered in nautical tattoos,.His personality is a grizzled as his exterior would suggest.  Classic! (No photo, use your imagination)

A motley crew

We were at full capacity on the small boat with 16 passengers and 5 crew.  (I actually think we might have been over capacity, but its not the kind of boat that is concerned with that kind of thing.)  My fellow passengers on the trip were a fun and eclectic mix of international backpackers hailing from 9 different countries including Japan, Germany, the Netherlands, the UK, New Zealand, France, etc.

The ride out to the reef was a 3 hour trip.  It started with fun a chatting and general excitement.  Things quickly turned sour.  The reason I named this post The Great Barrier “Ralph” was due to the rough seas heading out to the reef and the puking/ralphing fest that ensued.  Of the 16 passengers, at my best count 9 were lined up along the side of the ship throwing up for most of the ride out.  A seasickness extravaganza.  I was shockingly one of the only people not throwing up.  Considering my general aversion to water for most of my early life, I was shocked to be one of the ones who had my sea legs.  This air of cockiness would catch up to me later, but more to come on that...

By the time we got out to the reef, most people, although a little sad, queasy and haggard had stopped ralphing over the side and it was time to get our diving/snorkeling on.  Most of the passengers were certified divers.  There were only three of us who opted for the snorkel only package, which proved to be the best decision.  My snorkel buddies are my new favorite travel friends, Sophie & Oscar.  Sophie is a “Kiwi” (a person from New Zealand) and Oscar, Sophie’s BF, is originally from Sweden.  They would turn out to be my travel companions for the rest of my time in Cairns.  

Snorkel buddies

The three of us had nearly free reign of the reef on each dive, as the crew was preoccupied with the divers.  On day one, we did 4 dives at sites around an Outer Reef known as the Thetford Reef.  Although the GBR is in danger due to global warming, it is absolutely huge and some parts of it are still flourishing.  We were on just one of over 3,000 reef groups that make up the GBR!

So what is it like to snorkel in open ocean?  Absolutely terrifying.  Thanks for asking.  If I’m being totally honest my entire first & maybe second dive I was freaking out.  I made them give me floaty because I was scared I would drown and never be seen again.  As it turns out, it is salt water and we were all wearing wet suits so, I was so buoyant I couldn’t have drowned if I wanted to.  It took a few dives for me to realize this.  Most of the reefs we saw were shaped like giant mountains or mushroom clouds under the water.  You can snorkel right over the top of them and the corals are only a few feet from you.  Once I got over the initial fear of drowning or being eaten by sharks, I discovered it is one of the most magical experiences ever.  You can swim with schools of beautiful, iridescent fish.  There are so many of them.  The fish and the reef are ever color imaginable and they are so close to you!  One of the best experiences is when you swim over the top of the reef and get to the edge...all of a sudden it drops off into huge caverns, sometimes hundreds of feet deep.  It feels like you are flying.  You’re first instinct is that you are going to fall off the edge, until you realize you are floating above the void.  It is literally like flying above mountains and valleys, except they are underwater and made of coral.  

In the deep dropoffs there are schools of large fish, we saw Tuna, which are huge and Unicorn Fish, which are hilarious.

Again, disclaimer, I did not take these photoss, but this is what they look like.

“Unicorn Fish” -  Naso brevirostris

Tuna

In the shallows of the reefs, we found Nemo!!  (Clown fish are the cutest), these crazy neon blue worms that hide when you splash water at them, and other smaller fish.  Some of my other favorites below:

Butterfly fish.  So cute, they were always swimming in pairs.

Five banded Damselfish.  I could just swim right in the middle of a school of them.

Blue Puller Damsel Fish

Bi-color Clown Fish Nemo!)

Coral Trout

Giant Clams

Table Coral

Brain Coral

Blue Coral

Each dive was about an hour and I didn’t want to come back each time.  It was beyond words...]

Pics from rear of the Rum Runner at dusk 

The other thing that is amazing about being out on the reef  is the sunset and at night there is almost no light and we were out on a clouody night.  We had dinner and a beer and headed to bed in our tiny bunks.  I don’t think I have ever been so tired.  I’m pretty sure I was asleep by 8pm.

The next day we were up at 7am for our morning dive.  The first of two for the final day.  On each dive the reefs got progressively more amazing (maybe because I could finally fully relax and enjoy them) The abundance of fish chasing each other around the reef and hiding in little reef caves was phenomenal.  On our final dive of the day, we swam out to a large, shallow thin reef, with deep crevasses running through the reef.  I was swimming a little further away from my companions, near a crevasse, and all of a sudden a HUGE fish came out of the black of the crevasse and swam right past my face.  It was what is known as a Humphead Wrasse.  They are one of the largest fish in the reef.  The one I saw was easily 4 feet long.  

Humphead  or Maori Wrasse (They can live up to 30 years, but are currently on the endangered species list)

Of course, I immediately thought it was something that was going to eat me.  I panicked and swam down to avoid it, this led to me taking in a ton of water into my snorkel and completely forgetting how to blow it out again.  I ended up swallowing a TON of salt water in my panic.  I eventually pulled myself together and figured out the fish was completely harmless.  I then took off in pursuit of it.  After sprinting after it for several minutes I finally caught up to it and swam alongside of it for what felt like hours, probably a minute or so.  Then, it hit me...I had just swallowed an inhumane amount of salt water and was completely wiped from chasing the fish.  My bravado in being one of the non-pukers caught up to me.  All of a sudden, I just lost my cookies and puked in the ocean.  I had officially left my mark (and my breakfast) on the Great Barrier Reef.  And that friends, was my final hurrah on the Reef.  The Wrasse had disappeared back to the depths of the ocean and it was time for me to swim back to the boat.  Epic, right?

Anyway, the conclusion of this story is that I continue to leave my breakfast in the GBR for the rest of the 3 hour trip back to Cairns.  Seasickness is no joke, folks.  Lesson learned, don’t eat a giant breakfast, swallow a ton of salt water and then ride on rough water for three hours.  Was it worth it?  YYYYYEEEESSSSSSS!  In fact, I couldn’t ask for a more hilarious and epic final hours on the Reef.  This will probably go down as one of the best experiences of my life.  It was also one of the best moments ever to stand on solid ground, take a shower in my hostel, take some anti-nausea medicine and sleep!

[mimzy-writing-online]

11/11/11 Tag

nThank you to @spellboundinks for tagging me :)

Rules: answer the 11 questions given to you by the person who tagged you, make up 11 questions for the people you tag, and tag those 11 people to answer them.

1. How would your wip change if it were written from the perspective of a different character of yours?

Anna, Ulric, and Felix are my narrators, but outside of them? If I did this story from the perspective of Ivy, it would be a story about a lesbian witch falling in love with a fairy who is a trans girl. If I wrote the story from Althaea’s perspective, it would be a story about trying to heal your sort of crazy father, reunite your friend with his sister, and try to fix your horrible mistake, all while undercover.

2. Do you remember where the idea of your wip originated?

I was 17 when I first came up with it. I wanted a story about a witch, a werewolf, a vampire, and a fairy all going to boarding school and fighting a bad guy of some kind. This story has three different versions, and the most recent version was started by a dream I had of Anna on a broom trying to get away from a villain and calling for Ulric.

3. Do you write long or short chapters?

Long. At least in most projects my chapters are longer. In the case of A Witch’s Memory, the chapters were crazy long.

4. If you could visit one scene in your wip, which would you choose?

I’m torn between the library garden and the galaxy room in the library. Both scenes have an illusion spell on them. The galaxy room has a permanent spell that makes the walls, ceiling, and even the chairs and couches look like a sky of stars. There are three scenes in the book that take place in that room. In my head it’s beautiful, especially since I can’t see stars much anymore. But in one scene Felix walked into the garden behind the library and cast an illusion spell that filled the garden with fireflies and butterflies, and I’ve never seen fireflies in real life. But the spell is only temporary. I think I would choose the fireflies and butterflies.

5. Do you have a writing routine?

Yes, and I’ve been breaking it for the last week. I usually start writing/editing in the late morning or early afternoon. I start with a cup of iced tea and work on one scene or POV a day, but I’ve been stuck this past week.

6. Which writer inspires you?

Audrey Niffenegger wrote The Time Traveler’s Wife. It took her five years to write it and it was a masterpiece. There are now four copies of it in my house. My mom and sister have their own copies. I have two. I have my old one which I’ve read 5 times and I have the new one I want to annotate. It’s my favorite book ever.

Her book lead me to Reiner Maria Rilke, a German poet who I also love. Which lead to me wanting to learn German, which did work into A Witch’s Memory since Ulric and Anna are learning German in high school.

Reiner is the name I chose for my pen name. Mimzy Reiner.

Iain Thomas wrote a few books of poetry that made me feel some complex things and led me to writing my own poetry.

7. Do you prefer physical books or ebooks?

I love having a physical copy of a book, but I read electronically almost exclusively now because of vision issues

8. Is there a character that started out completely different from how they are now?

The biggest change to a character is probably Ulric. He was not blind or disabled when I first started developing him as a character. But for the last year or two I’ve wanted to write a blind character and had no idea where to start. I didn’t want to write a book where going blind is the main problem, and I didn’t want a character to just be about their disability. And Ulric is my favorite character, I relate to him more than any of the others, so I thought, why not make him blind. Which changed A LOT of the story.

9. Do you have a favorite made up thing in your wip? Like a superpower you came up with, a brand, a town, a kind of food, etc. Something that, as far as you know, only exists in your wip?

A lot of things actually.

For starters a blind, bisexual werewolf who loves being a werewolf and spends too much of his time on the internet. I have yet to find someone like that. Or counterparts, the idea that witches are born in pairs and share part of a soul or a soul bond. Anna was born in New York, Felix was born in London, both of them on May 19. Different parents, but a soul connection that makes them stronger together. I also can’t seem to find a book where the modern world accepts and uses magic openly in the same way it uses technology.

10. What season(s) does your wip take place in?

Late summer/Early fall.

11. Pick your favorite question that I answered, and answer it.

Question: Pick a random line and give no context.

Last night Anna linked me to a massively long playlist titled “Penn’s Road Trip Bears” and after listening to it, I’ve determined that Anna crafted it in some feverish, insomnia-fueled haze because this playlist has no concept of coherency whatsoever.

Okay, time to come up with some questions.

1. What’s something that inspired your current wip? (a dream, another story, a movie, a song, an event)

2. You’re told you’re going to venture into the world of your book, what three items are you bringing with you?

3. Have you ever stuck your characters on an alignment chart? Not just the lawful/neutral/chaotic good/neutral/evil charts, but any chart? (such as the distinguished/functional/disaster gay/bi/lesbian chart, or the McDonald’s/black coffee/food at home chart)

4. Your characters are dropped into the world of the last movie you watched. How do they react? What do they do?

5. Has your character done something so dumb you wanted to shake them and make them listen to reason?

6. What do you do to get started writing? Do you grab coffee/tea? Turn on a playlist? Open a window? Sit on your bed? Take a few deep breaths? Look at your notes?

7. Are there any songs that remind you of your characters/ships/plots/scenes?

8. What is your least favorite trope, and what would you do to make it suck less?

9. Badly describe your book.

10. What is your favorite line from your book?

11. Choose one the questions I answered to answer yourself.

Tagging 11 people: @belles-library @chaoticsumi @leave-her-a-tome @anomaly00 @kiraawrites @hpl3553 @novel-scribe @ishouldbewritingx @mdriussi @sapphoopages @maramahan

So I pulled some of you from the writeblr recents tag, so if you’ve never seen me before, hi, I’d like to get to know more about you and your wips! If you spotted my main blog’s url @background-noise-headache in your notes, that’s me liking and following your blogs.

I love getting these tag games, but I never know who to tag and always fear I’m annoying someone or making them uncomfortable. So I’m making a list of people who would like to be tagged from time to time for games. If that’s you, then just comment or message me privately and I’ll make a list of you all