#but it's clear that people find it *easier* to believe she was than they do bea

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

Lynnie herself is a rockstar. Her life has been so interesting, her career is pretty trailblazing in writing for theater and television - on purpose, she realized she had to write the roles she wanted to play, roles that didn't exist back then - and in her personal life she does wonderful advocacy work and foster care work. She's just a very nice lady. I'm still hunting down files I have saved from years ago but I did find an interview where she said Bea smiled watching tape of her first ep as youngDorothy, and that she thinks Bea knew the reverence she held her in (exact words) and that she always felt Bea was very kind and supportive of her. she also said "let's face it, no matter how old you are if you're a petite blonde people think you're adorable and cute, it's a lot easier in the world than if you're a tall dark girl and someone you have to get to know to not be threatened by" which is a very astute observation as to how Bea was and still is treated compared to certain other people. I've got to travel this week and I've abused your inbox enough but if I find anything else relevant I might come back in a few weeks. happy to have made people happy.

Oh, absolutely!! We've spent some words on her acting so far, but I know she was also a prolific writer and producer. What a queen!! And on top of that wonderful career, she's also a great person in her private life?!? I'm not surprised (kind of gathered it from all we talked about so far!), but still!! Rockstar is the perfect definition!!! Wow!!!

Also not surprised that Bea was kind and supportive of her -- everything I've found out about Bea points to the fact that she was a genuinely sweet, lovely person. It's wonderful that she got to work with someone who admired her so much!! She really deserved all the love and admiration in the world!

I agree. That's a very poignant observation on her part -- especially that 'someone you have to get to know not to be threatened by'. So many people seem to think of Bea as this brash, overbearing commanding type, and she certainly could be, on stage -- but from what I've read, in her private life she was shy and introverted and just a big sweetheart. And I agree that a big part of this disconnect is due to how she appeared to people! I love them both, but the difference in treatment between her and Betty White alone is proof that one's appearance can influence people's opinions much more than we like to admit.

Anon, have a safe trip, and thank you once again for everything you've told me!! Feel free to come back whenever you want! You've really made my month (and, judging from the reblogs, I'm not the only one!!). Thank you so much!

[wooyoungiewritings]

A "First" Date - Yunho x Reader

Summary: Your best friend Yunho and you always find dates for each other, trying to help each other out with love. You always try to find the best ones for each other, but one day, Yunho sets you up with his “friend”, and you quickly realize that your best friend wants to prove a point. And maybe he actually knows you better than you think - in multiple ways.

Word count: 13.6K

Genre: Fluff, smut (it's so cute but oh gosh so dirty)

warnings: Best friend Yunho with fem reader (fem pronouns). Yunho is *cough* BIG *cough*. YUNHO HANDS, Oral sex, messy blowjob, fingering, dirty talk, light choking, unprotected sex, spit, aftercare, honestly it's one big warning because there's SO MUCH I got carried away. But lmk if I missed anything!

This is all for fun and is not meant to represent Yunho in any way.

“What happened to the last girl I set you up with?” You ask, looking to your side to see your best friend, Yunho, widening his eyes.

“Are you serious? She wanted to lick my toes in the middle of the restaurant.” He responds with a shiver, “I’m not a kink-shamer, and I respect being open for a foot kink, but I know when things cross my personal line.” He leans further back on the couch as you both stare up at the ceiling, blankly looking at my white loft. 

You and Yunho always hung out. It made it even easier having him living in the house next door, so you were practically spending every day together. Since he helped you get your lunch back from a bully when you both were 6, you two had been inseparable, and everyone knew that. Whenever the two of you met someone new, the first initial thought was that you were dating, but the two of you quickly set the record straight. You were just friends. 

But people didn’t always believe the two of you, though, thinking that you must hook up secretly, but the truth was that you’ve never done that. You’ve never kissed, never sexually touched each other. But Yunho has been the one person in your life who you always would go to, no matter what you need. A deep talk? Yunho would let you talk your heart out and listen for hours. A hug? He’d drop everything in his hands. He knew everything about you and would gladly hold you close whenever you needed it. He was there to keep you safe from anyone and anything, and he’d gladly do it.

But the thought of Yunho that way wasn’t strange to you either.. He was tall, handsome, respectful, funny.. He was every girl's dream, and whoever would end up with him would win the lottery. So you would lie if you said you hadn’t wondered how he acts around a lover, how his big hands would feel gripping your thigh while he is driving the car, or how he would whisper intimate things in your ear with his deep voice. But you would never admit that to anyone, especially not him. 

“What about that marketing guy I set you up with last month?” Yunho’s head turns to you and you immediately shake your head. 

“Ooooh, no no no. He showed clear signs of still being in love with his ex and searching for a rebound. I’m not looking for that.” You sigh, at this point losing track of how many failed dates you’ve been on this year. 

For the past few months, Yunho and you had helped each other on dates, being each other's wing(wo)man. You were both at a point in your life where you wanted something more serious, so why not get help from the person who knew you the best?

A smile crept up on your lips, wanting to hear his opinion on the thought that just popped into your head.

“I’m still down to a second date with that guy from your old work-” You begin to tell Yunho but he quickly shakes his head before you can finish the sentence. 

“Fuck no. You’re not going out with him again.” He spoke like a father to a child who did something rebellious. “He doesn’t treat women well.” 

“Well, you set me up on a date with him, so you must have some kind of idea of him and me together.” You tilt your head to the side as he once again shakes his head. 

“That was before I knew what kind of person he was. Sending you on a date with him is still my biggest failure in this entire wingman show,” His voice had a hint of humor in it, but his eyes were serious. “If he asks you out again, I hope you say no. And if you don’t, I’ll hunt him down and tell him to leave you alone. End of story.” He relaxed on the couch once again, ending this topic like a strict parent. 

And you never had the intention to go out with this guy again. He treated you alright on the date, but the chemistry wasn’t there. And when Yunho found out that the guy he set you up with was a cheater, liar, and borderline mentally abusive, he was quick to end the “relationship” on your behalf. But Yunho never told you what kind of person the guy actually was, he just told you he wasn’t a good person. But that was typical Yunho - he was trying to protect you and didn’t want you to worry too much. 

You roll your eyes at his protectiveness. "If you keep scaring my dates away, I'll never find the one." You crossed your arms over your chest.

"Or you should just open your mind up and start seeing the difference between who's a sociopath and who treats you well. Use your critical thinking skills."

“That’s rich coming from someone like you.” You joke, but still with a hint of truth behind it. 

“Someone like me?!” He sat up straight on the couch and looked at you with a shocked expression. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“It’s hard to find someone who matches exactly what you want. That’s all I’m saying.” You put up your hands and leaned back on the couch while he looked at you, still with a confused expression. 

“What? I may be critical, but I always give my dates a good time.” His hands find their way behind his head, feeling satisfied with himself. One thing Yunho knew for sure would be that he would never leave a date feeling unsatisfied. Whether it would be him doing a little extra on the date to make them feel special, or them, full on having sex in his car. No matter what, he would take good care of them. 

“Well, apparently not, or you would’ve let that girl lick your toes.” Your comment had him rolling his eyes at you.

His tongue clicked. “Oh, shut up,” He shook his head before finding his phone in the back pocket of his jeans. “Speaking of dates, you have a date tomorrow.”

The sudden change of conversation topic left you sitting straight up on the couch, excited to hear more. 

“Already? Who is it?” You lean forward towards him to get a look at his phone, but he is quick to send you a glare and push you away from the view of his screen. 

“Damn, you nosy..” He scoffed. “It’s one of my good friends. Can’t say more for now.” He darts back at the screen and types something you can’t see while you send him a glare. Not a single glance is being sent in your direction as he’s too busy typing something on his phone. 

“Well, alright. Where does he want me to meet him?” You ask as you lean back on the couch.

“I’ll just forward the message he sent me,” A moment after a sound comes from your phone, and you see an address and a time in the message from Yunho. “This one doesn’t have an ex or a thing for toes, so you’re good.” He locks his phone as he sends you a confident smile.

“Perfect.” You smile and mentally prepare yourself for the date tomorrow. 

***

Namsan Park (parking lot) 6:30 Tell her to wear something nice and comfortable :)

You keep your eyes on your phone as you make your way toward the location from Yunho’s forwarded message. You weren’t given much information about what you were getting yourself into, but you trusted Yunho. And you showed that by voluntarily meeting a random guy in the park as the sun was slowly setting for the day. The signs weren't too good so far, but you kept an optimistic mindset.

And with you wearing a dress and a thin jacket on top, you start to realize what a mistake you’ve made with your choice of clothing. 

The parking lot comes into sight and your heart starts beating faster. It’s always scary meeting someone new for the first time, so of course you were a bit nervous. 

As you walk into the parking lot, your eyes start searching for anyone who looks like they are going on a date. A few cars are parked here and there, but no man in sight. Well, that’s before you take a few more steps and see a tall guy next to his black car, back turned to you as he looks at the landscape in front of him. 

His hands calmly resting in the pockets of his slack pants, and his black hair looking messy.

Messy hair you’ve seen before. The tall figure. Broad shoulders. The black car. 

You stop and look at him, and he turns around with an innocent smile on his face.

“What are you doing here?” The confusion is evident in your voice.

Yunho’s face lights up even more as he makes his way towards you with his hand reaching out.

“You must be Y/n! Hi, I’m Yunho, nice to meet you.” He waits for you to shake his hand but you just look at it before glaring up and into his eyes again. His eyes travel down to your dress, and he instantly knows he has to focus on what he is doing.

He’s taking you out and that’s it. But gosh, he didn’t expect you to look like that in your little black dress that he had never seen before.

“What are you doing?” You try again, hoping he’ll answer why he’s here and why he was acting like this. Where was your date? Was he your date?

His reached-out hand slowly falls to his side as his smile turns a little awkward and a nervous laugh escapes his lips. “Oh, Yunho has told me so much about you, so I thought I’d like to meet you myself and see what a date with you would be like.” He tried clarifying as you realized what was happening. You were actually going on a date with your Yunho. Your best friend. The realization made the smile on your lips freeze, but you couldn’t help but think how unusual he was acting. He was all dressed up, acting like you’ve never met before, and behaved like the two of you hadn’t just hung out yesterday.

Silence filled the air between you as you tried to figure out what was happening. Yunho then left a quick, slightly annoyed sigh before finding his phone in his pocket. “Sorry, I have to make a short phone call.. Excuse me for a moment.”

His back turned to you as he took a few steps away, while he looked down on his phone. Your eyes squint as you watch him bring his phone to his ear. A short moment later, your phone starts buzzing in your hands and Yunho’s name appears on the screen. A giggle leaves your mouth before you accept the call and bring it to your ear.

“Hello?” You answered, looking at Yunho’s back turned towards you a few meters away.

“Hey.. Are you on the date yet?” His voice through the phone was back to normal, and another short laugh escaped through your lips.

“Yes, I just got here.” 

“Alright.. Just wanted to let you know that he’s a little nervous, so be kind to him.” His voice was stern like he was actually talking about one of his friends and not himself. 

“What a loser.” You smirked as you observed his reaction a few meters away, not being able to hold back your normal behavior. 

“Hey! I’ve known this guy for years, I know he’s up for a good time, so be positive on this date. Alright?” His voice lowered so you could only hear him through the phone. This whole situation seems unreal to you, having your best friend take you out on a date, but you are up to trying something new. And this way, you could see how Yunho normally behaved on first dates, which was something you’ve wondered about before. 

“I’ll try my best.” You smile.

“Good.. Let me know how it went later, and if he’s being a creep, let me know and I’ll come kick his ass. Good luck.” He hung up the phone and made his way back to you with an apologetic face like he didn’t just speak to you on the phone. “I’m so sorry, I promise, no more phone calls for tonight.” He smiled innocently and opened the door to the passenger seat. “So? You’re up for a date?” 

***

“A reservation for two, Jeong Yunho.” Yunho smiles at the man behind the small desk at the restaurant. The dimmed light and the waiters dressed in tuxedos all summed up the atmosphere of the restaurant. This was not something you’ve ever done with Yunho, despite sharing countless dinners with him over the many years. A short moment after the waiter confirms the reservation, you feel Yunho’s hand guiding you after the waiter by the small of your back, leading you to your table. 

“I feel.. Underdressed." You nudge Yunho when the waiter leaves and you walk to your side of the table. You may be wearing a dress, but it wasn’t the fanciest one you owned, and now you regret not wearing it. Before you can grab your chair, Yunho is quick to pull it out for you and send you a smile. You try to hide your smile as you sit down and he pushes the chair forwards. 

“You look perfect.” He whispers in your ear before going to his side of the table, sending you a wink when you meet his eyes. His words and his behavior all confused you, because you weren’t used to seeing this side of him. He was always respectful, but never like this towards you. And one thing was for sure; he was not making it easy for you. 

You’ve only been on the date for 30 minutes, but whenever your hands would touch or he would say something with pure softness in his voice, you would feel your heart melt a little. But this was all just a date to see how the two of you usually behave on dates, it’s not like it means anything… right?

You keep glancing at him over your menu, hard to keep your eyes off the handsome man in front of you. His hair is perfectly ruffled, a black button-down with the sleeves nicely rolled up and his pretty hands holding the menu in front of him. Never had you imagined eating dinner with him like this would do something to you, but the flying little animals in your stomach were telling you differently.  

You both ordered different food along with something to drink, and the waiter left you both staring at each other, after pouring both of your drinks. 

“Thank you for coming on this date with me.” Yunho smiles from across the table. 

“I’m happy to be here,” You smile back. “I'm happy Yunho encouraged you to ask me out.” You grab your glass and take a sip while trying to hide the smirk creeping up on your lips. 

“I just had a good feeling about you, Yunho has told me a lot about you.” He’s back to wearing the typical smirk you know. If it wasn’t your best friend sitting in front of you, this date would be looking a lot different. But the way your breathing becomes shaky and your eyes wander to long fingers around his glass, you can’t help but romanticize this whole situation. 

“So do you usually go on a lot of dates, Yunho?” You ask, playing with the whole idea of the two of you just meeting for the first time.

“I go out once in a while.. But I’ve never really gotten on a second date with the same person,” He shrugs, taking a sip of his drink. “Whenever a date goes bad, I usually blame my best friend, she’s the one who sets me up.” 

You want to roll your eyes at him, but keep it to yourself. Instead, you crack a genuine smile at his comment.

“Oh, so you have a girl best friend?” You tease.

“I do. We’ve been friends ever since I can remember,” He informs you like you’re not the person he’s talking about. “I think the two of you would get along pretty well.” He says in a quiet tone, a smile still on his lips. His eyes travel to your lips that carry a small drop of your drink, and he has to fight everything in himself not to lean over and touch your lips. 

A first date wouldn’t do that, he thinks. Don’t touch her.

You sense his focus on your lips and you’re quick to lick your lips, removing the drop. 

The way he’s looking at you makes you want to thank the restaurant for having dimmed light because you know you’re blushing like crazy and you’re absolutely hating it. This shouldn’t feel so exciting and new, and somehow you can’t help but wonder if this feels normal to him or if he’s just putting on an act for you. 

And you honestly don’t know if you want to know the answer. 

“And what about you?” He raises a brow. “Do you usually go on dates?” 

You skim away, thinking of a good answer to match his energy. His relaxed figure makes you slightly intimidated, especially with the way his arms are resting on the table, and him eying you up and down. The sexual tension is definitely there, and it’s a tension you haven’t felt before. It makes you wonder if it has been there before, or if it’s the setting that makes you want to explore what it is. You shrug, leaning forward as well. 

“I don’t mind a date here and there,” you respond. “If it was up to me, though, I would be going out a little more. But my best friend who sets me up on the dates, he’s uhm.. He’s a little protective of me.” The smirk is back on your lips and he holds back his smile by pushing his tongue against the inside of his cheek. Something that makes his jaw clench and another flutter runs through your stomach.

“Is that so?” He asks teasingly. “You have a protective guy best friend?” 

“I do.. Does that make you concerned?” You tilt your head to the side and Yunho responds by squinting his eyes. Two could play this game, and with the way he was looking at you, you didn’t want the game to stop anytime soon. 

“My immediate thought is no.. But I guess it depends on whether or not you think I should be concerned?” He teases back. He’s good. 

“I think you should ask him then.” You smirk.

A smile also reaches Yunho’s lips as he leans back in his chair. “Alright.. Guess I’ll have a little chitchat with him later.” 

***

After almost two hours of you and Yunho eating dinner, laughing, and sending smirks in each other's direction, you walk out of the restaurant after Yunho paid, and onto the street. It is fully dark outside, and the thin jacket you are wearing is not helping much. 

But that’s when you feel something heavier on your shoulders and look to see Yunho place his blazer on you. His tall figure behind you makes your breathing stop for a second, and you almost stop him and tell him you’re fine, but he’s quick to interrupt you.

“Wanna get some dessert? I know a good place.” His eyes sparkle, even when the sun is gone. You’re close enough to smell his cologne, and it’s safe to say that you’re getting more and more mentally weak for him. 

You clear your throat. “Uh-yeah.” You shake your head to get out of the trance Yunho has put you in, but is instantly back when his hand guides you from the small of your back. His touch burns through every layer of fabric and touches your skin. He has touched you many times and placed a hand on your back or your shoulder, but never did you feel a spark like this. 

Yunho knew a good spot further down the street that sold ice cream cones, so you both got your favorite flavors (he paid, once again) and you were now sitting on the swings in the park nearby. A comfortable silence fills the space between you as you both enjoy your dessert, swinging back and forth on each swing. 

“So..” Yunho starts halfway through his ice cream while you’re not even at the cone yet. Your eyes go to him as he shifts his attention back and forth between you and his dessert. “How do you think the date is going?” His big eyes lock with yours, and he looks slightly nervous. 

“Depends on who’s asking,” You lick your ice cream while a wrinkle forms between Yunho’s brows. “It is my date, Yunho, who’s asking, or is it Yunho, my best friend, who’s asking?” You explain and he looks away for a moment to think, before looking back at you. 

“Your date, Yunho, is asking.” He answers.

“Then I think it’s going very well.” You smile, meaning every word. 

Going on a date with him was not on this year's bingo card, but you didn’t mind tonight. If anything, you were actually enjoying seeing this side of Yunho. 

“And what if your best friend asked?” One of his brows shot up curiously and you shake your head.

“Then I’d tell him to wait until I get home. I won’t expose myself in the middle of a date, that’s embarrassing.” 

A laugh comes from Yunho and you smile at the sound. Another heat sneaks up in your cheeks, hearing him enjoy himself in this setting, and you look away. If he knew what he was doing to you, you weren’t sure you would be able to ever look him in the eyes again. 

Yunho finishes his ice cream long before you and just looks at your side profile as you make your way through the dessert. A prominent smile keeps decorating his lips.

You continue finishing your chocolate ice cream, in your own world for a moment, until you hear footsteps approaching you. You look over to see Yunho make his way towards you, feeling your mouth dry out from the way he looks in the dimmed light. The moon and the few streetlights are the only things lighting up the park, and the shadows on his face create a stunning view. 

You freeze when he takes your hand and pulls you up from the swing, looking down at you with heavy eyes. He’s so close you can practically feel his body heat. A smile spreads on his lips when he looks down at your lips. His fingers rest under your chin, and suddenly you’re feeling his thumb trace over your bottom lip. Your breath hitches at his sudden act, but when he removes his hand to show you chocolate ice cream on the tip of his finger, a giggle leaves his mouth. 

“You’re messy.” He looks at his finger before looking into your eyes. And your mouth completely dries when he licks the ice cream off his thumb while keeping eye contact with you. 

Everything inside you is going crazy, leaving you speechless. Such a simple little thing usually doesn’t affect you, but Yunho licking ice cream from your lips, off his finger while maintaining eye contact is making the butterflies practically fly out of your stomach and into your entire body. 

“Let’s get you cleaned a little, come on.” He takes your hand in his and he could practically take you anywhere he wanted. Your brain was not functioning at the moment, only focusing on what just happened, and how it feels with his hand holding onto yours. A small convenience store comes into sight, and Yunho pulls you with him and over to a small table by the window, where a couple is sitting, eating ramen. He grabs a napkin and turns around to look down at you and starts wiping your lips with the napkin. 

You swallow nervously as his eyes are focused on your lips, and when he finishes removing some ice cream from the corner of your mouth, looking satisfied, your gaze automatically drops to your feet. 

Yunho notices the way you avoid looking into his eyes, and a smirk creeps up on his lips. He doesn’t say anything, not wanting to make you nervous, but he loves seeing you like this. Loves seeing you react to him this way.

The couple at the table next to you finishes their ramen and walks out of the convenience store just as rain starts to pour outside. A sudden downpour catches the city off guard, sending people running with their hoods up. 

“Guess we can stay here for a few minutes until the rain stops. What do you think?” Yunho asks, looking back at you after looking through the big window display. 

"Sure." Is all you say before you turn around and begin scanning the shelves at the store. You try to avoid meeting Yunho's gaze as you make yourself look occupied, but you sense him trailing behind you, keeping you within his line of sight. Meanwhile, the young cashier at the desk is engrossed in a show on their phone, oblivious to the two of you taking refuge from the rain.

You walk down one of the isles and stop when you see a specific kind of chips you used to love. You remember them from a few years ago but haven’t been able to find them in stores ever since. 

“You like those?” You hear from behind you and look to see Yunho standing close to you, eying the chips you were just reminiscing about. 

“Uhm, yeah.. I thought they stopped producing them.” You say. 

You don’t get to react before Yunho grabs the bag of chips and goes to the desk to pay. You’re left in the aisle, looking at him paying for the snacks you didn’t think you needed, and he returns with a smile on his face. 

About 15 minutes pass, and you and Yunho are sitting at the table in front of the window, eating chips and waiting for the rain to stop. You push the chips, lying on the table, towards Yunho and he takes one and brings it to his mouth. 

“I don’t think the rain is going to stop.” You say as you see the piles of water get bigger and bigger by the minute. Yunho stands up from his chair, glancing outside to spot something before looking back at you.

“My car is close to the restaurant.. If we don’t wanna get too drenched, we have to run. You’re up for that?” With a daring smile, he asks if you want to run in the pouring rain. Suddenly, something changes within you and you feel an unexpected surge of excitement. You eagerly nod in agreement and he takes your hand, leading you out of the store. You both take a moment to mentally prepare yourselves under the shelter before setting off to run as fast as you can.

“Are you ready?” He asks with a smile, somehow finding this whole situation funny. 

“Ready.” You answer, and Yunho counts down from three before you both sprint towards Yunho’s car. As you run with Yunho, the water splashes up on your bare legs and he still holds on tightly to your hand. You find yourself laughing and getting drenched in the rain. Running with squinted eyes and without a care feels liberating. If you were on a date with someone you didn't know, you would have been concerned about how you presented yourself, how you spoke, and how you looked. But with Yunho, you feel comfortable being completely drenched.

You spot Yunho's car and sprint past the restaurant where you had dinner earlier. Yunho unlocks the car and giggles when he sees you. He rushes to the passenger side and opens the door for you. After you jump in, he closes your door and runs to the driver's side.

He joins you in the car, and you can't help but laugh when you see him. He's completely soaked, with wet hair stuck to his forehead and his button-up shirt clinging to him. Laughter fills the car as you make eye contact. Suddenly, you remember that you're wearing his jacket and start to feel guilty.

"Oh, your jacket--" you begin, but he interrupts you by reaching into the back seat and pulling out a black hoodie. He hands it to you, still panting from running, but you shake your head. "Wear the hoodie yourself. You're more soaked than I am."

"Come on, you'll get sick if you don't warm up. I'm fine." he insists, and you eventually accept the hoodie. You take off your drenched jacket and he throws it in the back seat. Your skin is glistening from the rain, and you start to feel cold. Yunho notices and steals a quick glance at your wet neck area. He realizes that you're not wearing a bra under your dress and takes a sharp inhale. Clearing his throat, he watches as you pull his hoodie over your head.

Stay focused, Yunho, he thinks. 

Immediately, Yunho’s scent wraps around you like a warm hug, and since you were just wearing a little black dress, and Yunho’s clothes are obviously oversized, the hoodie covers most of your thighs as well. 

“Let’s get you home and in some dry clothes.” Yunho says, kindly reminding himself to let the date end (for now), so he starts the car, turns up the heat, and heads towards your homes.

The drive was calm, both of you just listening to the rain pouring and clicking on the windows. You couldn’t help but think about how fun today was, and how thankful you were that Yunho ended up being your date. Whether or not he did it to prove a point, you enjoyed yourself and almost didn’t want the night to end. 

Yunho drove past his own house and parked in front of yours. “Is this your house?” He asks while looking past you and at the house with an impressed expression. 

“It is, good guess finding the exact address.” You joke, and he’s quiet for a moment.

“I’m psychic, I forgot to mention.” His smile makes you melt for the hundredth time tonight, and you prepare yourself to exit the car when you remember something.

 “Oh, your hoodie.” You say, about to take it off, but he grabs your wrist, stopping you.

“Keep it for now. I have a feeling I’ll see you again.” He sends a wink in your direction.  

“Oh, cool.. Well, thank you for tonight, I had a pretty good time.”

“Me too.. But I should head home, it’s getting late and the drive is pretty long.” 

You have to fight not to laugh at him, so you just nod and unbuckle your seatbelt. 

“Of course. I’ll see you soon?” You ask, hoping you’ll see him soon soon. He immediately understands what you mean and he nods.

“You will.” 

You send him one last smile and pull the hood from the hoodie over your head before heading out of the car. You don’t get as drenched as earlier, because you’re quickly able to lock yourself in and close the front door behind you. 

A curiousness hits you, and you immediately look out of the window. Keeping an eye on Yunho in the car, you can’t help but laugh when he backs from your house over to his, turns off the car, and runs to his own house. When he locks himself in and disappears out of sight, you remove yourself from the window. 

Your head is spinning from the night, how much fun you had, and how much you enjoyed being on a date with Yunho. An actual date. And even though you can’t help but think he did this for fun and to prove how good he is at dating, you almost wish this wasn’t the case. Because he was so much better at going on dates than you thought.

A knock is heard on your door, and you’re positive you know who’s waiting on the other side. You run to open the door and see Yunho, no longer in his button-up and slacks, but in a black t-shirt and gray sweatpants, still with hair damp from the rain.

“There you are! I was waiting for you to come home, I was worried I sent you on a date with a psycho.” He walks past you and into the house. You close the door with a consistent smile as you watch him get himself comfortable on the couch in your living room. 

“You were keeping an eye on me?” You lift an eyebrow as you sit down beside him.

“Needed to make sure he was a gentleman, you know? So what do you think? How was he?” He looks at you with the subtle smirk he had been carrying the entire night like he knew he was a good date. He could be humbled a little. 

“I mean.. he was a little..” You search for the right word. “Weird.”

He completely loses the confidence shining through him, and a deep wrinkle forms between his brows. 

“Huh?” 

“I don’t know, I think he thinks a little highly of himself. You know, he’s not all that.”

Of course, you’re teasing him, but also not entirely wanting to admit how good of a date he actually was. Yunho had always been a confident guy, because he knew he was good-looking, well-mannered, funny, and had been one of God’s favorites when it came to size. So a little teasing wouldn’t hurt anybody.

Yunho looks at you a bit confused. “I don’t-”

You interrupt him. “He also didn’t let me pay for my part of the dinner. It just came off as-”

“Well, maybe he just wanted to make sure you were having a good time without-” Yunho interrupts you as well, clearly having his pride hurt, but stops talking when he meets your eyes and sees the teasing look on your face. “Nevermind..”

You crack a smile and tilt your head. “You can tell him that I had a great time,” You’re downplaying like this wasn't the best date of your life, “I’m really curious about who he is.” 

When you meet his eyes, there’s a certain flash of something you can’t describe. But he’s quick to go back to the behavior you usually know, making you wonder what that look meant. 

“I will.. But unfortunately, he’s not gonna be in town for a while, you see, because he needs to go home and back to school which happens to be in.. Venezuela. Sooo.. Sorry.” He shrugs and leans forward, resting an elbow on his thigh to hold his head.

“Oh well, he wasn’t that amazing either.” You shrug as well, looking away from him, pretending not to care.

A scoff leaves Yunho’s mouth. “You’re acting like you don’t care, but I know you’re gonna dream about him tonight,” He teases with a confident smile and your jaw drops when you look at him. He’s too much. “He’s probably gonna be in your little late-night fantasies-” 

“Shut up!” You push him on the shoulder teasingly. 

You hate how he knows that, that is true. He’s most definitely gonna be in your fantasies tonight.

He tries to grab your hand but fails. Instead, he goes to poke you in the side. “Am I not telling the truth?” He laughs.

“No!” Yes.

You try pushing him away, but he’s way too strong, and the two of you end up trying to grab each other's hands, getting control of the other. It ends up with a little fight on the couch, and you find yourself lying further down on the couch while Yunho hovers above you. You can’t help but laugh at the situation because you know you’ve lost. And that is being confirmed when Yunho’s had too much and pins both of your wrists above your head with one of his hands, while his other hand is placed on your waist. 

The feeling of him pinning you down like this, hovering over you, is gonna play in your mind the entire night. 

This is not good, you think.

Both of your breaths are heavy after the small fight you just had, and when meeting each other’s eyes in this position, it’s like something changes for a moment. His eyes go dark when looking down at you and his hand holding yours. The same goes for you because your heart starts to beat faster, and you can’t help but get excited by this situation and the feeling of his touch. You can’t see your hands, but you know how his hands look, and you know yours look good being pinned down by him.

The silence goes on for a few more seconds, before you come to your senses and clear your throat. “I’m gonna get something to drink, want some?”

It’s like he realizes the position as well, and loosens the grip on your wrists. “Yes please,” He lets go of you and stands up. Either it's the fact that you just had a small fight, or it was the way Yunho looked at you, but you feel incredibly hot and lift the hoodie over your head and throw it on the couch when standing up. You make your way to the kitchen when you hear him follow behind you. “I’ve been eating these awful chips tonight that dry out my entire mouth-”

“Hey!” You turn around to see him back in his teasing element with a smile on his face. 

“What?” He asks.

“You said you liked them!” You fight back, entering the kitchen completely, him following you behind quietly. 

“Nooo, that was the other Yunho. He was just being polite to his date and didn’t want to make her feel bad for having poor taste in snacks. I’m your best friend, on the other hand, and it’s my job to be honest with you.” He leans up against the doorframe, crossing his arms and you have to focus on not looking at him. 

You find some glasses from the cabinet and shake your head. “So the other Yunho is a liar then?”

“There’s a difference between lying and holding back the truth.” His argument is weak, so you shake your head as you pour some water into the glass.

“Well, I think I liked the other Yunho better then. He was a gentleman, this one,” You point to him, sending him a glaring elevator look, “Is an ass.” You hand him his glass and pour up something for yourself. 

His hand goes to his heart like it just shattered from your words. “An ass!? Come on, you can’t choose a favorite Yunho. You’re gonna make me feel jealous of myself.” He laughs and you can’t help but roll your eyes, not even trying to hide it. 

You take a sip of your water, and you quickly feel his gaze lingering on you. Specifically your body in the dress, now that the hoodie wasn't hiding it. You catch his eyes traveling down to your bare legs and up once again. 

“You’ve been staring a lot at my dress tonight.” You say looking away, distracting yourself by cleaning up your glass. 

“I could say the same about you staring at my hands,” His words make you shoot your eyes in his direction, slightly panicked that he knew. The smirk grows on his lips, while you freeze, not knowing what to say. “What, you thought I didn’t notice?” He says as he slowly starts to walk closer, placing his glass on top of the counter while keeping his eyes on you.

Your body thoughtlessly takes a few steps back, until your lower back is pressed against the counter on the kitchen island. He’s walking slowly, but somehow he's in front of you within no time, caging you between the island and his towering body. His hands are placed on each side of you on the counter, time seems to have stopped, and your breathing quickly fastens. 

“So.. Is there a reason for the staring?” He stares down at you and you can’t help but look away from his piercing eyes. Your breathing has already stopped and you’re sure you barely can’t get any words out. “Look at me,” His deep voice commands and without a doubt in your mind, you immediately listen and look into his eyes. A small scoff leaves him like he knows you’re under his spell, and he tilts his head slightly to the side. “Hmm?” 

Your mouth goes dry, searching for the right words to say. “I could ask you the same.” Is all you manage to say.

“And my answer would be yes.” He’s quick to say like he has nothing to hide. His confidence shines through, and it makes your heart beat even faster. 

You’re quiet for a moment as you take in what he just said. “And what is the reason?” You ask, trying to hide the nervousness in your voice. You’ve never seen this side of Yunho before (only when he’s been flirting with girls at parties) and you honestly don’t know how to act back. You know exactly where your mind goes when thinking of his hands, deep voice, and dominating manner, but you can’t admit that to him. 

His eyes linger on your lips for a moment and then back to your eyes. “I can’t tell you.” 

“Why?” 

Never has the tension been like this between the two of you, and it’s like you both know what the other is thinking, but neither of you is doing anything about it. 

“It’s not something best friends say.” His voice turns to a whisper and your breathing stops again. You can’t look him in the eyes, afraid to expose yourself so your eyes instantly shoot away.

It’s not something best friends say.

Your mind is going crazy, and all you wanna do is know what he’s thinking about. The game you’ve both decided to play, leaving nothing but subtle thoughts for the imagination, is killing you. But he just fully admitted that he’s been thinking the same thing as you because you would never directly admit to him how he’s been running through your mind tonight. But he has, in ways you won’t even be able to put into words. 

“What are you thinking about?” He’s still keeping his eyes on you and you somehow find the courage to look back into his eyes. 

“It’s.. It’s not something best friends say.” Is all you say and you see a change in the way he looks at you. Everything burns inside Yunho, and he wants so badly to do what he’s been thinking about for hours and hours, but he’s not sure you’re ready. Your friendship would change in an instant, and he wants you to be sure.

He opens his mouth, getting ready to ask, “Can I ki-”

“Yes.” You interrupt him before you grab him by the collar and smash your lips against his in a heated kiss. Everything comes crumbling down, like you both had been waiting for this to happen, in a messy, eager kiss. His hands find their way around your waist to pull you closer, not leaving his lips from yours. The counter from the kitchen island is pressing against your back as he towers over you, devouring your lips. He picks you up effortlessly and places you on the counter, and you instantly wrap your legs around his waist to pull him closer. A muffled moan escapes his lips against yours, as he feels you against his hardening cock. He pulls back for a second to get a look at you, his eyes traveling down your body. 

“Holy fuck.. You look so fucking beautiful.” He breathed, looking into your doe eyes. The spark in them is enough for him to miss his lips on yours, so you’re back in a messy kiss in a split second. “I’ve been wanting to tear this dress off you all night.” He mumbles against your lips, slowly making his way down your jaw and onto your neck. 

“You should’ve just done that.” You run your fingers through his hair as you lean your head back, giving him more space to run his lips over your neck. One of his hands runs in your hair, grabbing the back, holding you in place before feeling his breath on your ear.

“Careful,” His deep voice is next to your ear, and you can practically hear him smirking. “Don’t get cocky with me now.” 

Just when he’s about to kiss you again, he pulls back and looks deeply into your eyes. You realize the look in his eyes has changed a bit, as he tries to read your face.

“What?” You ask confused. Is he regretting this? Is this a bad idea? Does he not want to do this?

His breathing is ragged, but he holds eye contact for a few more seconds before speaking. 

“If it gets too much.. If you want me to stop, please let me know, okay? Because I don’t think I can hold back from you once you let me do this.” His touch on you is now softer than before.

You can’t help but crack a smile at the way he asks permission for this to happen, but there’s not a single part of you that doubts this. You want this. You want him.

And the thing is, he wants you too, if not more. Everything inside Yunho is exploding, and he can’t even believe he isn’t kissing you right now. If it stood to him, you were both naked at this point, but he wants you to be sure about this. He doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable or about to regret this, because you mean more to him than anyone has ever done. 

Your hands grab his head as you pull him into a softer kiss. A promising kiss. A kiss that tells him that you’re sure about this. His hands grab the counter, fighting himself not to go too crazy. 

“I want you, Yunho.” You look deeply into his eyes. “I trust you.” The words change something in Yunho’s eyes, and he takes a quick deep breath before crashing his lips onto yours again.  

His hands quickly find your body, traveling around your waist and up and down your thighs, getting used to the touch of you under his control. Your fingers run through his hair, but you instantly grab a hold of his locks when you feel his fingers press against your clothed pussy. The touch of his fingers alone is enough to make you moan, and he’s taking his time running the tip of three fingers up and down your core, sending shock waves through your body.

“You’re dripping wet.. Is this what you thought about when looking at my hands all night?” He asks. You can’t even get out any words, so you just nod eagerly. Another scoff leaves Yunho’s mouth and suddenly the feeling of his touch disappears. “Lay down.” 

You’re listening to his commands like a dog to their owner, and your back leans down on the cold counter. You feel his hands run from your thighs to your hips where he’s grabbing your panties to pull them down. Air hits your core, and suddenly you hear a deep chuckle coming from Yunho. 

“Of course..” He says to himself. 

"What?" You ask nervously.

“Of course, you have such a pretty pussy. You really don’t have any flaws, do you?”

He pushes your legs apart before digging in, tugging you forward a bit so he has easier access. You look down at him to see his tongue immediately find its way through your slit. All nervousness leaves your body as he starts tasting you. He lets out a satisfied groan when he starts sucking your clit, and he looks absolutely amazing from your point of view, in his relaxed clothes and slightly messy hair. 

 “And you taste fucking amazing,” His words are muffled, almost not daring to remove his mouth as he leaves his tongue everywhere on your pussy, wanting to taste as much of you as possible. He’s eating you out like it is his last meal on earth, and a moan escapes your mouth. 

The straps from your dress hang loosely off your shoulders, exposing just the right amount of your breast, to leave little to no imagination. Yunho is quick to run one of his hands up your stomach to pull the dress down and grab one of your tits. You close your eyes, only to widen them quickly when you feel him insert one of his long fingers inside you. He smirks a little as he looks up at you, seeing how you react to his touches. 

“This fucking dress.. and you don’t even wear a bra under it,” He’s squeezing your tit, slightly pinching your nipple. “You’re so fucking hot.”

You start to feel incredibly sensitive and start closing your legs, but Yunho is quick to let go of your breast and push your legs apart, before devouring your pussy again, while his long finger works in and out of you. 

“Oh, we’re just getting started, sweetheart,” he says, loving the sounds coming from you as you try to keep yourself from screaming in pleasure. “Ready for another one?” He adds another finger to your hole and a gasp escapes through your lips. His long fingers work their way with your pussy and when his lips wrap around your clit, you feel a spark running through your entire body. 

His lips remove themself from your cunt and he pulls you up, still with his fingers deep inside you, and he smashes his lips hard against yours, so you’re able to taste yourself on his lips and tongue. 

“Please, Yunho..” you barely got the words out, wrapping your arms around his shoulders to keep you up. 

“Tell me what you want,” he grumbles next to your ear as he continues to work his fingers in and out of you, making sure to have his knuckles pressed hard against your heat every time his fingers go in. 

“I want.. I want you to fuck me.” 

A smirk appears on his lips, finally hearing the words he’d been dreaming of for longer than he imagined. But he wasn’t ready. You weren’t ready.

“You’re so cute. But you’re not ready to take me yet, sweetheart.” 

You slightly pull back to look into his eyes, but when you see the look in his eyes and feel the pressure from another finger being added to your hole, you know that he wasn’t playing around. He has a massive cock, and you are going to be filled. He was preparing you. His free hand pushes your legs further apart and presses your abdomen down on the counter to keep you from moving too much. Your eyes roll back as you use your hands to keep you from lying down, steadying you. 

“Oh my God..” your words are mumbles at this point, and with the speed of his three fingers going in and out, you know you aren’t going to last much longer. “Yunho, I’m going to come.”

As if something switches inside of him, he quickly bends down and starts to eat you out while his fingers work inside you. The feeling of being filled by his long, thin fingers and his tongue sucking on your nub was a feeling you never felt before, and it didn’t take you long to start feeling your orgasm spread through your entire body. Your legs start to shake and you feel yourself crumble under his touch, eyes rolling back and feeling sensitive to every touch he leaves on you.

“So fucking delicious,” The noise of him slurping your juices filled the entire kitchen, “All sensitive and shaky already,” He stood up and pulled you closer to him, pushing some hair behind your ear in a caring manner. “And you don’t even know whats yet to come.. How adorable.” 

Your breathing is fast, not ever experiencing this kind of orgasm. Not even the expensive vibrators you’ve gathered over the years could do it like Yunho. And you wanted more of him.

His fingers left your hole and you looked at them to see them shining and soaked in your juices. He slowly raised his fingers to your mouth, and you sucked them clean. You felt messy, dirty, and sweaty, all thanks to your best friend who just gave you the best orgasm of your life. 

“Such a good little slut,” his eyes locked on your mouth as his fingers smeared across your lips, “My little slut.” His hand grabs the back of your head and presses your lips against his in a sloppy kiss. Another groan leaves his mouth and he slowly moves his lips down your jaw and onto your neck. 

His words send an intense rush through your body, and you never expected to be so turned on by being called a slut. But Yunho knows what he’s doing, he knows you well and you’re probably easy to read because you’re responding to his words by moaning when you feel him kiss your most sensitive spot on your neck. 

Your eyes caught the growing bulge in his gray sweatpants, looking more massive than anything you’ve ever seen. The urge to see it, feel it, taste it is everything on your mind, so you reach out your hand to touch it on top of his sweatpants. A deep groan is heard from the back of his throat as he continues to kiss your neck. 

“You feel that?” He asks, slowly wrapping his fingers around your throat. He looks down at you as you nod, still stroking the outside of his bulge. “You feel what you do to me?” His deep voice whispers in your ear. You wish you could give him the same amount of pleasure he just gave you. He’s standing between your legs, but you wish you could press your thighs together to cause any kind of friction between your legs, even after an intense orgasm. 

Just hearing him talk like this and seeing how big he is, even under his sweatpants, sends sparks through your entire body.

“Let me take care of you too.” You’re practically begging to touch him, feel him. Never have you been so eager to move quicker, but Yunho has you under a spell, and he knows it because a satisfied smile spreads across his lips before he presses his lips on yours. This time was much softer than the other times, starting as a slow kiss and slowly deepening. The hand from your neck moves to your cheeks to deepen it even more, and the warm feeling inside you grows even bigger. 

“Not here, sweetheart.. My first time fucking you won’t be in a kitchen.” His words were so vulgar, but his eyes were full of care and trust. And you don’t trust anyone as much as you trust Yunho, so you nod and he wraps your legs around his waist as he kisses you again. 

Your arms wrap around his shoulders as you feel him remove you from the kitchen island and carry you to your bedroom, still with his lips pressed against yours. Having him basically living with you, seemed to show because he knew the way to the bedroom with his eyes closed and you wrapped around him. 

The soft touch of your madrass was under you as Yunho threw you on the bed and climbed on top of you, never separating your lips. 

“If I knew your lips were this addicting, I would’ve kissed you a long time ago,” he gives you a final deep kiss before standing up beside the bed. “And as much as I love this dress on you, I need you to take it off. Now.” 

You don’t waste a second getting out of the dress, and since you don’t wear a bra under the dress, and Yunho already took off your panties in the kitchen, you are already left naked. Yunho lifts his black t-shirt over his head, throws it on a chair, and is left in the gray sweatpants that still have a big bulge showing. His back muscles tenses as he moves, making him even hotter by the second. He turns around to see you sitting naked on the bed on your knees, hands placed nicely on your thighs, waiting for his instructions. 

A smile spreads on his lips as he runs his eyes over your body, walking closer to you. 

“Look at you.. Beautiful and waiting for me to tell you what to do. You like that?” His hand runs through your hair, sending shivers down your spine. “You like when I call you names? Like sweetheart? or slut?” 

You nod while looking up at him with doe eyes.

His hand grabbed your hair from the back and pulled it down, causing you to look up at him straight. “Use your words.” He demands, looking straight down at you.

“Yes, I love it.” Your answer and a satisfied smile spread on his lips. 

“That’s right, baby.” 

Baby. Once again, his words make you wetter at your heat, so you press your thighs together even more to cause any kind of friction. 

"Now..Before I fuck you,” he lets go of your hair and lightly cubs your cheek. “You’re gonna have to suck my cock. Is that okay, sweetheart?” his tall body towered over you sitting on the bed. His thumb caressed your cheek, letting you know that you’re safe with him and he’d never do anything you wouldn't want. 

You lean into his hand and place a kiss in his palm, before looking up at him to nod. 

“I’d like that.” 

He bends down to kiss you before giving you the next demand. He straightens and you look down to see his massive bulge in the sweatpants, practically fighting to be free. 

“You were so eager to touch it before, so do it.. now.” His voice is stern, and you didn’t hesitate to pull down the sweatpants and his boxers to see his cock spring free. 

His cock is the biggest you’ve ever seen, rock hard and flat against his stomach. Not only is it incredibly long, but also thick. The veins running up and down his shaft are pumping and the tip is glistening with pre-cum. His hand wrapped around it to give it a few strokes, and all you could think about was how that ever was going to fit inside you.

“You alright, sweetheart?” His words make you look into his eyes instead, and a smirk appears when he sees your reaction to his cock. “Don’t worry, we’ll make it fit. Do you trust me?” 

Instead of answering him, you slowly reach out to grab his girth in your hand, feeling how hard and warm he is under your touch. A small gasp escapes through his lips when you start pumping his cock slowly.

The way he’s looking down at you shows so much dominance and power, but he’s still running his hands through your hair and trying to show you as much care as possible, even when having these roles. Keeping that in mind, all of your small concerns go out the window, and you feel a new confidence take over your body, as you feel ecstatic over the idea of sucking his cock the way you have always wanted to.

“Spit.” He demands and it doesn’t take you long to spit on his cock and move your lips to the head, leaking pre-cum. Your hand is pumping his girth while you run your lips over the head of his cock, mixing spit with pre-cum. Given everything Yunho has been doing and saying to you so far, you’re convinced that he’s into the same shit as you, so you decide to go all out. You spit even more on the head of his cock, before trying to take him in your mouth. 

“Holy fuck,” his breathing changes and he makes a small noise from the back of his throat. 

You start to drool on his cock, trying to take as much of him in your mouth as possible. Your lips are stretched all the way, and you’re doubting that you’re able to take all of him, but you’re willing to try.

“Look up at me,” You look up at his command while bobbing your head, feeling pre-cum and spit fall on your chest. “You’re so fucking perfect, you know that?” 

His words make you want to do even better for him, so you try to take even more of his cock into your mouth. You almost make it to the beginning of his shaft, but feel a gagging sensation take over you, but you try to fight it. Tears form in your eyes as you try to breathe through your nose.

Yunho groans then, “Fuck, baby,” he sounds strained. “All these years I spent with you, I didn’t think you were such a cock slut.” 

You finally pull back from him to breathe, feeling spit and pre-come everywhere. In your mouth, on his cock, on your tits, on your hand. It’s messy. After catching your breath, you decide to continue sucking him, and you feel one of his hands rest lightly on the back of your head as he pushes his dick back into your mouth. 

Another groan leaves him as he starts pumping his cock in and out of your mouth. The noises coming from you slurping mix with his ragged breathing. You feel him wrap his hand around a few strands of your hair, helping you bop your head at a comfortable speed. A series of small groans leave him, and his breathing gets faster before he quickly takes a step back.

“Baby.. Hold up,” he pulls his cock out of your mouth and you notice how red the head of his cock is. It’s throbbing and basically begging to come. You wipe the sides of your mouth with the back of your hand to remove the mess you’ve made.

“Was it okay?” You ask, a little confused why he didn’t just come in your mouth. 

He is almost letting out a chuckle as he leans down to kiss your lips. 

“It was.. Out of this world” He caresses your cheek with his thumb and says; “I just want to be inside of you when I come.” He lifts you on your knees, so he can hold you closer. His lips crash against yours, letting him taste himself on his tongue, but he doesn’t mind it. Especially when it comes from your mouth. 

He pulls back and holds your waist with one hand, while he cups the other one right by your mouth.

“Spit.” He instructs again.

You do as he says, still tasting his pre-cum in your mouth when you spit in his hand. He smirks when his hand drops to your pussy and rubs your spit in between your folds. A gasp leaves your mouth at the feeling of his fingers running through your folds, and you quickly need him to give you another orgasm, asap. 

As if he knows exactly what you're thinking, he turns you around and pushes you down on the bed, so you land on your front. You’re surprised by his manhandling, but when you feel him bring your ass up in the air to smack it, you’re running with it. 

You’ve never had sex with someone where you didn’t have to tell them what to do or what you liked. But Yunho knew exactly how to please you. It was almost like he knew you better than you knew yourself. 

You feel him plant kisses, bites, hickeys, and smacks on your cheeks, leaving you with a stream of moans and gasps. 

“You’re mine from now on, you understand?” He smacks one of your cheeks and kisses it right after. “I’m going to leave marks on you, so if anyone ever tries something, they will see who you belong to. Got it?” 

His.

The sound of him calling you his was something you only imagined would happen, and never did you think it would feel so good to hear. 

Yunho pulled you out of your thoughts and turned you around, facing up, before he crawled onto the bed and on top of you. You felt his dick press against your pussy as he steadied himself over you.

“I said; Got it?” He asked, and you nodded before quickly responding.

“Got it.” 

“Good girl.” He positioned himself better between your legs, and you could already feel the excitement of him inside of you. “If you want me to go slower or stop, let me know.” Yunho grips his cock in his hand, stroking it a few times before rubbing the tip between your folds. Your hands are on the back of his neck, pulling him down for a kiss. The feeling of his huge cock pressed against your entrance is making you impatient, but when you feel him slowly enter your hole, you’re thankful that he’s taking it slow. 

You wrap your legs around his waist as you feel him stretch you out, and with the help of your spit and your wetness, he slides in a little easier. But you would lie if you said you’ve tried anyone bigger than Yunho. 

“Fuck, you’re tight” He grunts, slowly filling you up more and more. 

It doesn’t take you long to feel full of him. He groans whenever you clench around his cock, taking it as a sign for him to go slower. He’s already going pretty slow, but he would never pressure you. He knew he had a large cock, so it was important for him to make sure you felt good, first of all. 

He stops and you let out the breath of air you didn’t know you held in, feeling his length and trying to accommodate how thick he is.

“You’re taking me so well, baby, but you can take more.” He looks down at you and takes your hand in his, pinning them down next to your head. Yunho lowers down to plant a kiss on your forehead, and you close your eyes, ready for him to continue. 

“I need you to relax for me, baby.” He instructs and you do as he said. Even when you thought you couldn’t fit more of him, he filled you up even more. “That’s right.” His way of switching from calling you “slut” to calling you baby, making you feel cared about, almost loved, was everything you needed. Your hands clench in his, almost scared you will hurt him with the way your nails are digging into the back of his hand.

With a final push, you feel his hips against yours, and a gasp leaves your mouth. You can’t even imagine if he had tried entering you without warming you up with his fingers and getting you so wet first. Never have you been so full, your eyes rolling back at him hitting your spot without nearly doing anything, almost making you cry in pleasure.

“There,” He says, looking down at you. You let go of his hands and pull him down for another kiss. “You’re okay?” 

Instead of answering, you press your heels into his back to make him move and feel if he could enter you a bit more - He could. A smirk appears on his lips and he lets out a groan when you feel him clench around him.

“You’re ready to be fucked like the little slut you are?” You feel him slowly pull out, before pushing inside of you again, trying to make you get used to his size. You couldn’t believe he was fitting inside you. “Has anyone ever fucked you like you wanted? Or have you just been waiting for me?” He smirks as he looks down at you. He leans down, bringing his hands under you to hold you tight and whisper closer to your ear. “I bet you’ve been fantasizing about getting pinned down and fucked for years, haven’t you?”

“Y-Yes.” You manage to say as his speed quickens, and you feel him more and more - even though you didn’t think that was possible. “I’ve been waiting.. for you.”

“You feel so fucking perfect around my cock, don’t you think?” His pace is getting faster and faster, and you can barely get any words out at this point. “You were made for me.”

“Don’t stop, Yunho, please!” You beg, biting down on his shoulder. You feel his breath on your neck, his arms holding you tighter as he continues to fuck you.

“Never,” You hear his smile, and he grabs your waist to turn you both around. Suddenly riding him, sitting on top of his cock makes you feel him deeper than before, and a muffled scream leaves your mouth. The feelings send a shockwave through your body, and you feel yourself fall forward on top of him. He takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around you, locking your arms behind your back as he holds you tight against him. 

He can not get deeper in your pussy, so he takes the opportunity to ram his cock deep inside you. He lifts his hips as he’s slamming his cock into your cunt at a fast speed, and the sounds of skin slapping against each other fill the entire house. 

Quickly you feel another orgasm approach, never experiencing an orgasm without having to stimulate your clit. But Yunho is so deep inside of you and rails you so quickly, that it isn’t necessary, “Yunho, please!” 

“Your moans are so beautiful, let everyone hear how good I fuck you,” His one hand holds both of yours behind your back, as he uses the other to hold your head close to his ear. “You’re only gonna take my cock from now on, understand?” His grab on you tightens as he fucks you faster. “I’m gonna fill you up with my cum.” 

“Come inside me, please!” You cry out, barely even being able to speak as your mind whitens. He buries his face in your neck while ramming his cock into you at a fast pace. He hits the right spot every time, making your moans consistent. His hard grasp on you somehow makes you feel like you can let go of everything and make him do whatever he wants with you. So when you feel your orgasm approach, you don’t do anything to hold it back. Yunho feels you clench around his dick as you climax, sending him over the edge as well. 

His deep groans hum in your ear as you feel him empty his balls inside you. “Fuck, baby..” 

You feel his warm load spill into you while he holds you tight on top of him, making you take all of it. You feel your heart pumping in your entire body, ragged breaths coming from you as you relax on top of him, and his tight, domestic hold on you becomes a soft and affectionate hug. 

Yunho still being inside you, you seem to find it relaxing laying on top of him in his arms. And if Yunho could, he would stop time and lay here with you for just a little more. As your eyes are closed, you feel him run his fingers through your hair and down your back. One thing you didn’t expect when going on a date today, was ending up having your best friend fuck your brains out till you forgot how to speak. But this somehow felt so right. 

“Are you alright?” His soft voice asks, still with a few gasps left in his voice.

“Uh-huh.” You slightly nod as you open your eyes to see a blur, barely able to use any words. 

“We need to get you cleaned up..” Yunho gently pulls out of you and you collapse on the bed next to him. The last thing you wanted was to stand up and clean yourself, so you just shook your head and closed your eyes again. 

“Soon.. I’m so tired though..” You excuse, still in a haze from the orgasm. You feel Yunho’s hand run through your hair, and the way he’s slowly massaging your scalp, makes your eyes feel even heavier.

“Wait here then.” You hear him say and soon the bed feels empty without him. A few moments later, you hear him enter back in the bedroom and a wet cloth runs over your skin. You’re slowly waking up to feel his hands softly on you, and you look down at him, and your heart flutters at your best friend sitting on the bed next to you. He’s so focused on cleaning you, removing all the dried spit and cum from your chest, stomach and thighs. 

His touch is soft, especially when he slightly parts your legs to clean the most sensitive area, and when he accidentally graces your most sensitive spot, a small moan escapes through your lips. You still feel an incredible sensation around your lower region, so when he quickly looks up at your face to see you’re okay, he tries his best to hide his smile, feeling proud he left you a moaning mess a few minutes ago.

“Sorry..” He whispers as he continues to clean up, making sure to be extra careful. 

The wet cloth is doing its job, and you’re free from any fluid on your body. Your eyes are closed again and you suddenly feel the bed getting heavier next to you. You feel the duvet cover you and an arm wrap around your body to pull you into Yunho’s chest. Your back is flat against his front, and with the warmth of his body, you’ve never felt more safe. 

Slowly drifting off to sleep, you manage to hear a few words before you’re completely out.

“Goodnight, my love.” 

***

The light shines bright in the bedroom, making it hard to see anything when you open your eyes. Everything is a blur, but when you reach out your arm to feel nothing but an empty bed, you’re quickly rubbing your eyes to see clearly. 

There’s a bend in the pillow where Yunho slept, but no Yunho in sight. You pull up the duvet to cover your naked body when you sit up to get a better view of the bedroom. There’s no sound of anyone in your house, and the feeling of slight panic rumbles your stomach.

Did he leave? Did he regret what happened between you and wouldn’t want to see you again?

Just as thoughts start to flood your mind, the bedroom door opens and Yunho enters, tip-toeing into the room, just wearing his gray sweatpants. When he sees you sitting up, panic immediately shows on his face. “Oh shit, sorry, did I wake you?” 

“No no, I was just confused about where you went.” You shake your head, suddenly relaxed to see him this morning.

A smile spreads on his lips and he makes his way to you on the bed. “I’m right here, baby.” He crawls on top and hovers over you before leaning down to kiss your lips. It’s a reassuring kiss that tells you he wouldn’t ever just leave like that. He pulls back after a moment and looks down at you with a soft smile on his face. "Good morning." 

"Good morning." You smile back, not at all used to waking up like this, but you’re not at all mad about it. “So.. Do you usually stay the night after a first date?” You shyly ask while he looks down at you.

“Usually not.” He shrugs with a smirk. “What about you? Do you usually have your first date sleeping over?” 

“Usually not.”

He nods slowly "Interesting.." He bites his lip to hide his smile, but the smile slowly falls off his face and gets replaced by a wrinkle between his brows. He gets quiet, and you wonder what suddenly went through his mind. “I need to tell you something..” 

Your heart suddenly starts pounding, concerned about what he’s going to say. Yunho takes a deep breath, still holding himself up by his arms on each side of your head.

“Look, yesterday was something new for both of us, and we both know how when you’re.. having sex, you feel a lot of emotions, and sometimes blurt out something without actually meaning what you’re saying..” The nervousness is evident in his voice. “I just need you to know that.. the things I said yesterday.. I meant it.” 

You’re completely quiet, just now trying to figure out exactly what he’s talking about.

“I meant when I said I want you to.. be mine. And when I said you're beautiful. And, yeah, I don’t know, I’m just not sure I can go back to being best friends with you, because what we did yesterday.. best friends don’t do that.” The look in his eyes is hard to describe, but there’s a hint of hope. Hope that you perhaps feel the same as him. “I guess I’m trying to say; how about we continue what we started?” 

Voice lowering down to a whisper, he stares down at you with such an expression you want to wrap your arms around him and hug him. The dominating guy he was last night is completely switched to the most precious and small man.

You can’t help but let out a giggle, finding this entire situation cute. “I’d love that.” 

The wrinkle between his brows immediately disappears and he releases a breath he didn’t know he held. 

“Yeah?” He asks with a huge smile on his face.

“Yeah.” You nod.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Fireworks are exploding in both of you as he leans down and kisses you with such intensity, he wants to fill out all the space that separates you from him. He wants you as close as possible, and he’s sure he’s never going to get tired of hearing you giggle.

Moving his lips against yours, you never imagined how right this would feel. He pulls away, but only to lay down next to you and pull you towards him. Placing your head on his chest, he wraps both of his arms around you to hold you close. The feeling of safety and warmth is burning from every cell of you, and you never want to feel this with anyone else but Yunho.

Yunho kisses the top of your head occasionally as you both lay there, just enjoying the silence and each other’s company. But you can’t help but say what's on your mind.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have to start getting ready.” You say, and he immediately tightens his grab around you.

“Five more minutes, then I’ll let you go.” He mumbles against your head.

Sigh.. “But I have to shower.”

He’s quiet for a short moment before looking down at you with a raised eyebrow. “Shower?” He asks like he has something on his mind. You nod and he looks away shyly before getting the courage to say what he’s thinking. “I mean.. Since we’ve decided to upgrade our friendship to dating, I guess it wouldn’t be weird to.. you know.. shower together?”

Butterflies take over your entire body, and you try your best to hide your smile. Yunho and you don’t have anything to hide from each other anymore, so a shower would be innocent compared to what you two did last night. You look up to meet his eyes, slightly shrugging. “I guess you’re right.”

Just when you thought his smile couldn’t get bigger, his eyes wrinkled from the smile and he gets all energetic like a puppy you just offered to take on a walk.

“You wanna take a shower with me?” He asks, making sure.

“Sure.” You downplay how badly you actually want to do this. You want to do everything with Yunho, because the two of you just opened so many doors of possibilities, and you can’t wait to share every moment with him.

A giggle leaves his mouth and he kisses you passionately. “I’ll go get it ready for us.” The smile does not leave Yunho’s mouth as he pulls his t-shirt over his head, and he finds your robe in your dresser. He’s running around the room, getting stuff ready to bring to the bathroom, smiling and giggling nonstop.

“What?” You can’t help but ask.

His eyes dart to you before he runs over to kiss you one last time before heading to the bathroom to prepare the shower for the two of you.

“I'm just so happy”

[ripplestitchskein]

This is one of my favorite moments from the episode. Like from an art point of view the expression and body language is so on point. If you watch this sequence without sound it tells the story just as effectively as the dialogue, so kudos to them. A+ animation.

However, I’ve seen a few people say it doesn’t make sense for Stolas to react like this because he overheard Stella plotting to kill him. Which, I think that scene was more to highlight Stolas’s obliviousness in general more than him knowing she was trying to kill him? But that’s a separate post. This moment though has very little to do with Stolas’s worry over his personal safety or even the assassination attempt itself. He is not reacting to the reveal that Blitz didn’t warn him about an assassin from a place of “I could have prepared myself better with a warning and known what Stella was plotting earlier”.

He’s reacting to it from a place of “Someone tried to kill me and you didn’t care enough about me to even mention it”. The episode is about how Stolas is interpreting and “learning” that Blitz was showing him all along he didn’t care about him, that Blitz just does this to people, that Stolas is NOT special he’s just another in a crowd of people Blitz fucked and fucked off.

That they conveyed so well how crushing this must have been, to learn the person you love and care for not only knew months ahead of that someone was trying to kill you but you factored so little into their thoughts they just FORGOT to tell you? How he realized that he meant so little in the scheme of Blitz’s life that Blitz couldn’t even be bothered to mention it?

So yeah this isn’t a mistake, this isn’t the writers forgetting Stolas already knew, the issue here is not about the assassination at all, it’s about how Stolas is now interpreting this as “Someone tried to end my life and I meant so little to you I didn’t even warrant a heads up about it”. Like, not to be dramatic but Blitz just basically confessed that he didn’t care about Stolas’s existence at all.

We know it’s because of how Blitz sees Stolas as this untouchable immortal figure on high, but Stolas doesn’t see himself that way. He’s very clear he doesn’t recognize his own power and position.

It goes even deeper than that devastating line of thought though. It casts the whole “Am I in danger?” aspect of Western Energy into a whole different light. We interpret it as him not really believing he is in trouble, just mildly inconvenienced and wanting Blitz to play hero for his romantic fantasies. He is kidnapped by someone he recognizes as being a friend of Blitz’s, he calls him to clarify it, Blitz is then “I can’t save you today, my daughter has a thing”. During this point in the conversation Stolas has no idea Striker is sent to assassinate him persay, he thinks he’s just been kidnapped by a friend of Blitz’s. But Blitz DOES know Striker tried to kill Stolas in the past and is a credible threat. In this scene in Apology Tour Stolas finds out that Blitz knew that from the beginning, that he knew that and still couldn’t be bothered to come and was dismissive of it. That’s what Stolas saw anyway. He didn’t see Blitz driving crazy and turning around. He didn’t see his face of worry or regret. So the only information Stolas has now is “I called you telling you I was kidnapped by a man you knew tried to kill me and you said you were too busy. You knew how dangerous he was and you didn’t even care about me enough to help me.”

I’m sure it was a lot easier to deal with and excuse Blitz not being there and being busy when he assumed Blitzø didn’t know he was in real danger, now Stolas knows the truth. Blitz knew the person he identified as having kidnapped him had tried to murder him in the past and it still wasn’t enough to stir Blitz to save him.

Like that’s so fucking crushing? And important. Like critical really.

Like do the Stolas math of “Let me add up the evidence to interpret his feelings” and in addition to all the times he sneered or turned away add in “He knew a person who kidnapped me had already attempted murder and still didn’t give a shit”.

We know that’s not the whole story, that Blitz was worried and did turn around but Stolas doesn’t. This is the whole pattern of their entire relationship. He never sees when Blitz turns around in any context. He looks at Blitz and SEES him, is rebuffed by Blitz turning away and so Stolas looks away and just as he does Blitz turns back to him. It makes me want to claw my face off. This isn’t about the assassination at all, this is about them missing each other yet again.

In my head I think of it like a trapeze act. They each take the swing, they are flying through the air but they aren’t paying attention, they look away and miss the grab and both are plummeting to the ground.

[tabithatwo]

What do you think about the scene in ep1 where Shauna masturbates on her daughters bed while looking at pictures of her boyfriend? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I found it disturbingly similar to younger Shauna sleeping with Jackie's boyfriend

Oh hey, so this response is like perhaps over a year late but someone else asked me about this and I remembered I had 3/4 of this response drafted so hi I’m here now lmao

Anon, I do NOT think you’re overthinking this scene. I actually think there is so much room to think about this scene that a thesis could be written on it. It’s so layered and an incredibly bold choice on the show’s part to include it. It is our introduction to adult Shauna, and I think that the creators of the show clearly felt that it was very important.

This scene made me so uncomfortable as a first time casual viewer that I actually tried to rationalize it away. I remember saying aloud to the person I was watching with “No, that has to be her own childhood bedroom, right? She must be, like, visiting her aging parents?” Clearly I was ignoring the very ridiculous set design of Callie’s room entirely lol, but my mind wanted to find a different explanation. And it took me a while to come around to really loving Shauna as a first time viewer of the show, in part due to how much that scene shocked me.

All that to say, it is absolutely reasonable to find yourself very uncomfortable when thinking about that scene, as many people say that they do when they’re proclaiming that they wish it didn’t exist in the show. But I don’t think that means the scene should be ignored by any means. That discomfort is the point of the scene. Shauna is such a fascinating character, because she swings back and forth from shockingly depraved and cruel, to heartbreakingly kind and loving. She draws both the audience AND the other characters into this unpredictable back and forth with her, and it is easy for us AND them to forget what she is truly capable of when she is in one of her sweeter moments. That is what makes her one of the most fascinating characters of all time to me.

Okay, now we can get into my personal interpretation of this scene. I have always felt it was about Jackie. I think that was clear early on, but, after s2 aired, having more information about Shauna’s relationship with Callie did impact my interpretation of the scene and solidify some suspicions I had.

Shauna clearly does not see Callie as her daughter in any traditional sense. She tells Lottie as much, that she never could fully believe Callie was real and hers. And we see, with increasing clarity as the show goes on, that Shauna views Callie as a peer more than anything. Shauna has both stunted development and difficulty expressing affection. We see her tell Callie that it would’ve been easier if she HAD just had sex with the cop. That’s a very strong indicator of their dynamic. Shauna just doesn’t have the capacity to mother Callie.

That is important context because, with the scene in Callie’s bedroom, Shauna is recreating the thing she used to do when she was young and Jackie was alive. I don’t think she is even thinking about the fact that it’s her daughter’s boyfriend or bedroom, because she doesn’t even really think of Callie as her daughter much of the time. It’s so complex and muddled and, you guessed it, uncomfortable!

In my opinion, people are NOT ready for the intricacies of the ways Callie is a Jackie proxy for Shauna to be developed further. Like the show is establishing it pretty heavily, and I think in a very compelling way, but if it goes down that road more explicitly I have a feeling that people are not going to be able to separate the WAYS in which Shauna sees Jackie in her, if that makes sense.

I think s2 did have some compelling threads of this. Shauna caring for the Jackie corpse doll and getting frustrated and “hurting” her with the ear coming off scene. Shauna not being able to protect her, initiating and endorsing the consumption of her, then hinting at having fears that she’d hurt the baby when she was pregnant, losing the baby, worrying that they’d do to the baby what they did to Jackie, twisting it so much that she can’t help but believe they ate the baby too.

She associated the baby with Jackie very heavily. And in doing so, I think she parentified herself to Jackie in a really fascinating way, like Jackie was her first failure.

If she couldn’t care properly for Jackie, who loved her so much (and became an actual martyr and saint to her), and she couldn’t care for her children who were absolute innocents, then she must be the epitome of horrible and she should squash those caring instincts bc clearly they aren’t actually Good, type shit. That’s how I feel like Shauna spirals into her destructive behavior.

So what happens here, imo, is that Shauna doesn’t really see any of her relationships clearly. I don’t think she consciously thinks of Jackie as The Girl She Was In Love With, and I don’t think she consciously thinks of Callie as her daughter most of the time. Shauna just thinks of them both as people she has loved and failed, as well as people who piss her the fuck off and make her feel trapped in a life she doesn’t want.

She sees a lot of Jackie in Callie, and she acts out in really horrifying ways throughout the entire show to try and gain control, and this scene is one of them. Shauna has always used sex as a way to reclaim control, even when it is absolutely insanely inappropriate, and often when it isn’t at all about actual pleasure. We see more of this in s2, when she BRINGS JEFF TO THE ART STUDIO OF THE MAN SHE KILLED AND FUCKS HIM THERE (that was fucking INSANELY risky and destructive). With masturbating on Callie’s bed, looking at a pic of her bf, Shauna is acting from the same place she was when taking Jeff from Jackie in a way, and I get why that’s uncomfortable to watch. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable, it is SUPPOSED to!

But I think that we are viewing it with so much more logic and thought than Shauna is capable of applying. We draw conclusions from it that are based on a sane person, and Shauna is far from that. I think Shauna is briefly recreating multiple feelings and motivations that drove her to sleep with Jeff as a teenager. The sexual side of things is so wholly Jackie driven, she is constantly seeking ways to feel the way she felt when she was creating that proxy sexual connection with Jackie that she verbatim discusses with Jeff (which is so crazy btw not over that scene). But the side that relates to Callie is driven purely by the frustration and anger. Again, I don’t think Shauna has consciously thought about ANY of it, but if I had to interpret the driving emotions, then I think those would be the most likely.

And I think what it says about Shauna is that she is not living in reality in the slightest. You can not overstate the lack of conscious thought that goes into her actions when she does these things. She is acting on pure impulse, and without any certainty that anything is actually real.

She breaks my heart and this convo about the masturbation scene is so interesting to me because YEAH, that was a ROUGH introduction! and it took me rewatches to allow myself to dig into her character and that’s the point tbh.

On instinct, people either see the actions clearly and hate her, or obscure them to the point of forgetting they happened and love her. But it’s much harder to reckon with them and dig in and come out still loving her.

(I truly can’t believe I have to say this, but I was recently introduced to the fact that yj incest shippers exist, so disclaimer: this is NOT meant to be taken as a romantic or sexual interpretation of Shauna and Callie’s relationship at all. In fact, when I say that I don’t think people are ready for detangling the WAYS in which Shauna sees Jackie in Callie this is exactly what I mean. I just assumed people would wrongly assume it was That and be horrified. I didn’t consider the opposite, and I would like to continue not considering the opposite, so I will prob block anyone who engages with this in that way simply bc I do not want to see it and this is my social media lol)

[yourmidnightlover]

getting it over with - ch 1

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

summary: after relentless teasing and being the butt of too many jokes, you ask bucky to help you become more experienced in… a particular area of your life

warning: precious bucky, virgin shaming?, virgin reader, slight male!oc x reader, sexual harrassment, illuding to sex, talk of sex

w/c: 2.5k

a/n: i am working on part 2 in my other series, timeless. i've been debating two different ways i could take it and it's been an internal battle trying to figure that out. that being said, i can't help myself and started writing this and so here it is! this will likely be a simple mini series with smut in the later parts, probably the next one tbh. anywho... enjoy!

another night with the girls, and yet another night of beng singled out and ridiculed over a miniscule part of your life. 

you were a well accomplished woman and yet all of your hard work has consistently been overlooked in nearly every conversation because of your extracurricular activities. or, well, more like your lack of extracurricular activities. 

you had been working with the avengers for five years now as their pr manager, living there for a little over three after finding it was easier to represent and present the team in a brighter light when you knew more about them. it was after you moved in that you got much closer to james ‘bucky’ barnes, who you’ve coined the nickname of ‘jamie’ for. your friends also began to question why you hadn’t, in their terms, “banged,” one of the avengers you happened to live with.

truth be told, you did enjoy spending time with them, especially bucky. but, that would be crossing a line. you were practically employed by them. well, technically you were employed by tony, but that didn’t change the fact that they were your clients. it was just particularly easy to find the good in the people who constantly saved the world. well, that, and you were supposed to make them look good anyway. 

the most difficult one to paint in the golden light was definitely bucky. you were great at getting the media to lean into his humanity and reminding them of how he had been tortured into what he became. you’ve imagined him to the public as “sargeant bucky barnes,” giving him back the title he earned rather than the name he was branded. he was still wary of venturing into the eye of the public, but everytime he did there were less people yelling at him and more people giving pitying looks and whispers. sure, he would rather not be recognized at all, but whispering was a hell of a long way from harassment. 

bucky was grateful for everything you’d done for him. truth be told, you were grateful for everything they had done for you anyway. hell they had repeatedly saved all of humanity, helping their reputation was the least you could do for them. 

but regardless of how well of a job you’ve done making the avengers’ reputation way lighter, somehow the only thing your old friends could talk about is how you’re somehow still a virgin.

“god, i can’t believe you’re still a virgin sometimes. especially being surrounded by hunks like him,” stephanie spoke up as she flipped her bleached hair behind her shoulder. “i would’ve tried my luck long before i cleared their name, girl. i mean, that sergeant guy has the prettiest blue eyes, and have you never wondered what he could do with that metal hand of his?” 

you rolled your eyes, “he’s more than a pretty face, steph. he’s actually really sweet, too. his humor’s a bit old, kinda like a grandpa.”

“well, if he’s a grandpa then i’d gladly be his sugar baby,” she squeaked as she sipped on her vodka cranberry. 

“can we not talk about him like that?” your face furrowed in embarrassment and you only hoped that she would take your blushing as remnants of the alcohol running through your body.

“why?” she scoffed as she rolled her eyes. “do you want him or something?” she paused, seeingly waiting for your response. clearly, your silence was answer enough. “oh my god you like him, don’t you?” 

“no, no, it’s not like that,” you shook your head as you downed the rest of your drink. “i just spend a lot of time with him because of the job, y’know?” 

“why don’t you just get him to pop your precious cherry?” she ventured as she stood from her stool. 

boy, had you wished for that. mostly in your wildest dreams, but part of you hoped it could maybe happen. but then, you would wake up and were reminded of your place in the world. besides, jamie was over 100 years old. there’s no way he’d want someone who didn’t know what they were doing in the bedroom. 

“or,” steph interrupted your thoughts. “we can get out there and find you a different guy to pop your cherry,” she finished with a wink as she grabbed your hands, pulling you from your seat and to the dance floor. 

you managed to sneak a glance at the clock before the crowd surrounding you made it more difficult, reading the time being 11 pm. you told the guys you’d be back before 1, so that gave you enough time to please stephanie and then politely excuse yourself. 

surprisingly, you had begun to enjoy yourself. the music wasn’t so bad with the surge of confidence the alcohol running through your veins gave you. after a few too many drinks, you were in your own world. finally unbothered by the nagging thoughts of your friends and the weight of your job on your shoulders. 

you felt a gentle tap on your shoulder before turning to see a sweet smile. he had big, brown eyes and shaggy hair, broad shoulders, none that compared to the men you lived with, but they were nice nonetheless. 

“hi,” he said even sweeter than his smile, keeping his hands to himself politely. “i-i’m noah.”

“well, hello, noah,” you smiled as you stepped closer to him, uncharacteristically throwing your arms around his neck as you continued to sway to the music. “y/n.”

“i-uh-you-you’re gorgeous,” he stuttered as his hands modestly found your waist.

“you really think so?” you said teasingly before leaning up to his ear. “i think you are super cute, yourself.” 

at this point, you had nearly forgotten all about stephanie’s presence at all. maybe she had already left with another guy, herself? who knows. right now, all you knew was that you didn’t know brown eyes could be so pretty. mayb you didn’t want to wait anymore. maybe you didn’t want to be the old virgin in your friend group anymore. maybe noah could change that.

“you’re unreal,” he chuckled as he continued to sway with you for the next song until you began to kiss on his neck. 

“you taste so sweet,” you commented in his ear before kissing right below it. he pulled back, giving you a sweet smile before connecting your lips together. 

“you taste sweeter, believe me,” he huffed out a breath as you reconnected your lips with his. 

“i think i want you, noah,” you whispered against his lips so softly he wasn’t sure he even heard you. “pretty please?” 

“ye-yea, sure,” he guided you out of the bar, you needing nearly all of his support to even walk out of the threshold of the door. 

“think ‘m sleepy, noah,” you mumbled against his neck as the cold air hit your face, as if it had began to sober you up.

“you just said you wanted me…?” he perplexed as he pulled you aside into the ally to gather yourself. 

“‘m sorry, noah,” you shrugged as the cold air hit you again. “‘s cold outside, can i go back in?” you turned to walk back inside when he grabbed your arm, probably a bit more harsh than he intended to. 

“what the fuck?” he sounded disappointed. “i complimented you, i let you make the first move, and now you just wanna back out?” he pulled you closer to his body. “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“i-i dunno, i just got confused i think?” you stumbled as you tried to back away once more. “it’s too cold out here, noah.” 

“maybe this’ll warm you up,” he grabbed your pliable face and brought you back in for a kiss before you tried to push him away again.

“y/n?” you heard a raspy voice call out. “what the fuck?” you turned to see your jamie confused.

“jamie!” you tred to wiggle out of noah’s grasp once more, a disgruntled look on your face as you did so. “jamie…” you were now limply wrestling out of noah’s grasp as he scoffed at the situation in front of him. 

“what?” he said in disbelief. “you wanna lead me on and leave with this guy?”

“noah-”

“i think you need to back of the lady, alright, man?” bucky spoke up as he stepped closer towards you. “she’s clearly a bit drunk, just let me take her home and we’ll be on our way. no harm, right?” he tried to reason with the douchebag. 

“no harm?” he grasped your arm tighter before he continued, making you wince slightly. “so this bitch is able to fucking lead me on and then leave me high and dry and there’s ‘no harm’?”

“okay, i’ve tried to be nice about this,” without a second of hesitation, he had noah’s arms behind his back, not enough to seriously injure him, but just enough to harm him enough to not tempt him to do any more harm. “you will apologize to miss y/n for talking to her the way you did, you will walk away, and you won’t do anything like that to any woman in the near future, understood?” noah nodded. “am i understood?!” 

“yes, yes!” bucky nudged him further in your direction as you were leaning your back against the brick wall for stability. “i’m sorry, y/n.”

“for…?” bucky taunted.

“i’m sorry for talking to you the way i did.”

“good boy,” bucky teased as he released the man, letting him run away and not sparing him another glance before he made his way closer to you. 

“‘m sorry, jamie,” you stumbled forward and threw your arms around him. you had never been so openly affectionate, especially with bucky since you knew his aversions. since you were so drunk, you simply didn’t register the unspoken boundaries you had unintentionally set in place for yourself. “didn’t wanna make him mad. jus’ changed my mind s’all,” you buried your face in his neck. 

“you have a right to change your mind, doll,” he soothed as he gently rubbed your back, leading you to steve’s car he borrowed. 

“y/n?” you snapped your head to look at bucky as he spoke. “i don’t want you to be so late again, doll. it’s almost 2 am. had me worried sick about ya,” his hand danced on your knee, you assumed to comfort you after the events of the night.

“i didn’t know,” you shook your head. “i swear, i just lost track of time. s’not like me to do this. i just got so mad and wanted to get it over with, y’know?”

“get what over with?”

“you won’t laugh at me?” you grabbed his hand that was resting on your knee and turned in your seat to face your body towards him. “never, doll,” he chuckled at your serious tone.

“i’m tired of bein’ a virgin,” you said with a sense of disappointment. “don’ want people makin’ fun of me anymore.”

“that’s nothing to be embarrassed about, doll,” he shook his head as he put the car in park before running to your side of the car and helping you out. “some people want to save that moment, i get it.”

“no,” you groaned as you leaned into him. “i don’t wanna save it. i was just scared at first, and then i didn’t want to, and now it’s too late because nobody wants to be with a virgin.”

“that’s not true, y/n,” he shook his ehad as he pressed your shared floor on the elevator. 

“would you wanna have sex with me?” you wondered aloud as bucky began coughing loudly. “don’t be mean,” you huffed and crossed your arms, figuring he was trying to hide his laugh. “steph said i should get you to ‘pop my cherry’ but i knew you would’t wan-”

“hey, that’s not what i meant,” he stopped your train of thought. 

“so you do wanna ‘pop my cherry’?” you awed at the man as the elevator doors opened. 

“i wan’ you to stop referencing it as ‘popping your cherry’,” he grimaced as he said it himself. 

“you wanna have sex with me? bang? do the deed? take my virginity? make love?”

“stop it,” he groaned as you giggled, leaning into his chest even more. “i wanna have this conversation when your sober, if you even remember it.”

“i’ll remember, my sweet jamie,” you held onto his arm as he walked you to your room, helping you get into bed before going into your bathroom and returning with your bin of skincare. “this is why you’re my sweet jamie,” if you didn’t know any better you’d think he was blushing. 

he began using your makeup wipes to remove the remnants of makeup that had survived the night, followed by micellar water to remove the excess remover from your face. you knew he had seen you do your skincare routine after having so many late movie nights with one another, but it was still flattering that he had remembered it all so well. he finished applying your toners, serums, and finally your moisturizer with gentle hands, his metal one providing a nice cold surface that woke your skin up a bit more. it wasn’t until you reached up to grab his flesh hand that he noticed the bruises lacing your arms. 

“god,” he sighed as he looked down at his lap. “i’m so sorry i was too late, doll.”

“you weren’t too late,” you shook your head at his negativity. “you were perfectly on time. you saved me. i don’t-i don’t know what would’ve happened had you not shown up. i-”

“i don’t wanna think about what could’ve happened, please,” he shook his head as he held onto your bruised wrist softly, tenderly rubbing his cool metal hand over the damaged skin before pressing a kiss to it. 

“will you stay with me tonight?” you asked softly, as if you were scared he would say no. as if he would ever tell you no. 

“only if you’re sure,” you nodded eagerly with a grin before he crawled into bed with you. 

bucky’s arms wrapped around your waist as you laid on his chest, breathing in his scent as his soothing heartbeat calmed you down after the nights antics. 

“i’ll remember tomorrow, jamie.”

CHAPTER 2

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Dirty Work 52

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as bullying, familial discord/abuse, and possible untagged elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You start a new gig and find one of your clients to be hard to please.

Characters: Loki

Note: I always come back to Loki.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

Loki lingers, his head against your arm as you sit in the hue of spring. You could be calm if he weren’t there, if he hadn’t just altered your irrevocably. His wife? 

You could’ve never imagined it. You can’t be his wife. You’re the maid. You’re lost and hopeless and unimportant. Yet he wants to marry you? You? Even your own father doesn’t want you. Until just then, you may have thought the same of man kneeling by your feet. 

Should it feel special? Should you be happy? Doesn’t every woman dream of her wedding day? You didn’t. You never expected a husband. You never had the thought to spare marriage. It just didn’t seem realistic to you. It was never a possibility you had to weigh. 

“You’re quiet,” he lifts his head slowly, looking up at you with his gemlike eyes, “aren’t you excited?” 

You suck in your lip then let it out, “yeah, I’m just... surprised.” 

“Mm, I’m sorry it wasn’t a better one,” he looks around, “no candles, no champagne... but there are flowers.” 

“Yeah, I guess, er--” 

You hear the doors and before you can face the intruder on your scene, Frigga’s voice unleashes in a shrill squeal, “did you do it? Oh, please, Loki, what did she say?” 

He shifts and clears his throat. He grips the arms rest and pushes himself to his feet. He plants a kiss on your forehead before he straightens. He lets out a breath as he turns to his mother. 

“We are getting married,” he says plainly. 

“Oh, how wonderful,” she chimes, “oh, a daughter-in-law!... Again.” She chuckles lightly, “it will be like a fairytale.” She flutters over to you as Loki moves out of her way, “darling,” she takes your hand, tugging you up to your feet, “this will be even grander than Walpurgisnacht. Oh yes, this will be unforgettable.” 

You look at Loki as he returns your helpless gaze. You pout in his direction as he shrugs. Your mouth curves deeper downward. Please help! 

“I’ve got some silhouettes in mind,” she pulls you away from the table, “Hela showed me this app, Pinterest I believe it’s called. I have all these splendid things saved.” 

‘Sorry,’ Loki mouths and turns his hands out as you’re dragged away from the sunlight and the serenity of nature. Back to the dark house where you can’t breathe. 

Inside, she takes you into the kitchen. She leaves you by the island as she flits around, dropping black tea into a pot and putting on the kettle to boil. She hums gleefully as you just stare. ‘Daughter-n-law'. That’s what she said. Would that make her your mother? 

“Dear,” she turns to you and exhales, her expression dampening, “I recall you said your mother isn't with us anymore. I understand that may make this bittersweet for you but I will be here for you. Whatever you need, whatever questions you have, I’ll be happy to help. A wedding is a big thing. There’s much to do.” 

You nod, “should we... should we hire a planner?” 

“A planner? Gods no! I fancy myself a bit of an amateur but more than adequate,” she tuts, “we could have it at the house. Or perhaps we might seek out a nice chapel.” 

You frown. It’s all so much so fast. She stops and puts her hand to her chest, “oh sorry, darling, I’m just so excited for you. I’m not trying to take over. Don’t be afraid to speak up. What do you think for a venue? Oh, perhaps a destination? Somewhere tropical?” 

You cross your arms and peer over, your eyes catching the sheen of sunlight. 

“The garden,” you murmur, “the gazebo. It’s all fixed up. We could put flowers around the rails.” 

“That’d be a beautiful ceremony but what about the reception? We need space.” 

“Oh,” you babble. 

“Certainly we could make it work. We could fit people into the garden, we may have to sacrifice a few hedges.” 

“Not many,” you mutter. 

“Pardon, dear?” She asks as the kettle clicks and she turns to grab it off the burner, “what do you mean by that?” 

“I...” your shoulders slump at the realisation, “I don’t have anyone to invite.” 

She’s quiet as she pours the steaming water into the tea pot, “that’s not true. You have us and oh, Bragi seemed quite fond of you.” 

“That doesn’t count.” 

“Why not? Dear, we love Loki because we have to, we love you because we want to,” she smiles. 

Your eyes drift away wistfully. She can’t understand. She has people, she has everything you ever wanted. Even with the promise of a pretty house, a gorgeous garden, and all that comes with it, it just doesn’t make you feel any different. 

You want a dad who loves you. You want a mother who’s alive. You want anyone who isn’t just obligated to you. 

“I’m sorry,” her voice goes low, “I’m not meaning to upset you. I’ll slow down. I understand it’s a lot--” 

“How could you want me to marry him? I don’t belong—I shouldn’t-- I can’t be your daughter.” 

“Why ever not?” She asks. 

You scoff and push your shoulders up, “I’m not good enough.” 

She laughs, but not a taunting laugh. It’s disbelieving. She takes you by the shoulders and makes you face her head on, “darling, let me tell you, you are. You... you have no idea.” 

“No idea?” You shake your head as you look at her from beneath your lashes. 

“About what you do to my son. No, you cannot see it but I do. My Loki. I’ve seen him married, I’ve seen him heartbroken, I’ve seen him through everything, but something’s different about this. About you,” he brings a hand up to caress your cheek and hairline, “you have a power over him. Once you claim it, this will all be so much easier.” She cups your cheeks and tilts her head with a coy smile, “that’s how a marriage should be, you will see. He’ll never admit it but my son is more like his father than you would think.” 

You scrunch up your nose. You don’t believe her. You can’t. You don’t have power. You’re just you. You’re not special or anything like that. You now what you are to Loki. The same thing you’ve always been to him, whether his maid, his plaything, or his wife; convenient. 

“You will see,” she assures as if she can hear your doubts, “and what always clears my mind is tea.” 

✨

Frigga expounds at length about all the possibilities ahead of you. She has grocery list that goes beyond a mere wedding. An engagement party, a bridal shower, the rehearsal, and not to mention, a scandalous bachelorette. You only sink further into anxiety. What have you gotten yourself into? 

Well, you never did say yes. You weren’t asked, were you? Doesn’t matter. It’s not like you have anywhere to go. 

You hold your chin, gnawing on your lip as Frigga rambles on about wedding colours. Green is nice but what about something subtle. Oh, or metallic. You simply nod, offering little to her monologue. 

Your eyes wander past her to the windows. The afternoon wanes as evening cools the air. You mourn the sunlight as it shifts and the curtains dull. 

“Ahem,” the clearing of a throat draws you away from your detachment. 

Frigga quiets as she glances at her husband. He stands in the doorway, greeting you both with a subtle smile. 

“I hate to interrupt, dear,” he says to Frigga, “but I was hoping I might be spared a moment with our future daughter before the sun sets. It has been a long day and I’d hate to keep her later than need be.” 

“Oh, uh, certainly,” Frigga pushes her shoulders back, her cheeks tinging a dainty pink, “time must’ve got away from me. I’m so sorry, darling.” She reaches over and squeezes above your elbow, “I have been going on and on.” 

“You will have lots of time to do so,” Odin chuckles, “but I feel the rain coming soon and I would like a walk in the gardens before then.” He tilts his head towards you, “may I have the honour?” 

Frigga nudges you dips her head, “go on.” 

You stand and swallow tightly, crossing the room to Odin as he waits patiently. You offer a sheepish look as he offers his arm. You thank him and walk with him into the entryway. He lets you retrieve your shoes before you go to the back doors and he ushers you outside. 

You’re quiet as you descend the steps and stroll between the hedges. You feel the cool dampness creeping in the air. He’s right about the rain. You cling to his arm as a shiver crawls up your spine. 

He draws away briefly, slipping off his thick cardigan, and he slips it over your shoulders. You murmur a thank you and he loops his arm with yours once again. You carry on, uncertain. You can sense he means to say something and you think you know what. He isn’t as happy as Frigga about this union. 

You brace yourself for it. For him to put all your doubts to voice. You’re not good enough for Loki. This is a mistake. You are a pretender and you don’t belong in this family. 

“My son is a fool,” he begins, shaking you with his soft but deep tone. You exhale, somewhat comforted that you were right. For once. “The way he’s behaved, foolish. And that’s to put it lightly, my dear.” He reaches to pat your hand in the crook of his arm, “you deserve much better than either of my sons.” 

You keep your chin low as you watch your feet. A twig crushes beneath your sole as leaves rustle to your left. You glance over and stare after a short tail before it disappears. It’s only then you realise where he’s leading you. 

The gazebo rises ahead of you with it’s domed roof. He stops you at the bottom and turns. He lets you go and lowers himself to sit on the step. He pats the wood next to him. As you sit, he looks up, admiring the structure. 

“You did a good job,” he says. 

“What?”  

“On this,” he touches the railing, “looks sturdy.” 

“Oh, well I... I only called the carpenter.” 

“You did what needed to be done. What my son would not.” 

“Mm, I guess,” you shrug. 

“You did,” he insists, “do you not see it?” 

“See what?” You twiddle your fingers. 

“You are much stronger than he thinks you are. Than you think you are,” he shakes his head, “you underestimate yourself. My son, as much as I hate to think I raised him that way, while whine and whine before he gets anything done. If he can avoid it, it won’t be done. But you, I see it clearly, you do things. You know what life is. You just get through it.” 

You hum and bite down on your cheeks. Not having a choice isn’t bravery. If anything, it’s the opposite. 

“You shouldn’t. Just get through it. You should have some joy. You shouldn’t be locked away in the dark away from the sunlight. You should flourish in it,” he leans against you, “don’t let this marriage be like everything else.” 

You dip your head. He sees right through you. 

“You’re wrong, I’m not strong. I’m weak. I only do things because I’m afraid,” you sniffle. 

“But you can admit that fear. You can face it. Not many people can.” 

You sighs and drag your hands up and down your calves, hunching over your knees. 

“If you want to marry my son, I will not say a word to stop you, but I do want you to make a promise to me,” he continues, “a small one. Rather, think of it as a promise to yourself.” 

“Okay,” you wilt as you look over at him. His eyes are a bluish grey with flecks of slate. His gaze is gentle. 

“It’s what we spoke of before,” he says, “you must tell my son no.” 

“No?” 

“Ah, yes, I do regret he didn’t hear more it earlier in his life but he does need to hear it. Especially from you,” he intones. 

“But I...” 

“You will. And when you do, he will listen.” 

“How-- no, he wouldn’t.” 

“Ah, I know. My son is isn’t very good at that but he will. He must. He has reason to listen now. You are not his wife yet,” he puts his hand over yours, just atop your knee. 

You give a strained look, somewhere between a smile and frown. You’re flattered that he believe in you but you don’t. He doesn’t know the way it. He doesn’t know the way you are. 

“Alright, let’s practice,” he pulls his hand away and claps. He pushes himself to his feet with a grunt and spins to face you. He adjusts his collar and lifts his chin, putting on face, almost a pinched look, “now, wife,” his voice is slightly off, “what I say is law and you will do as I say.” 

You stare at him, confused. You purse your lips and shake your head. What is he talking about? 

He grins and shows his palms, “I am him. Pretend I’m my son,” he lowers his voice, “now, we’ve had enough of this conversation and I have made my decision.” 

You pick your nail, watching him dumbly. 

He breaks character again, “say no.” 

“What?” 

“Say it,” he orders then once more his poster shifts. “Wife, I will not tell you again.” 

You blink and take a deep breath, “n--no?” 

He sputters, “pardon? What was that?” 

“No,” you say firmer, heart beating, “no, I—I won’t.” 

“But I said so--” 

“Oh, um, okay--” 

“No, no, no,” Odin waves his hands, “keep going.” 

“Uh, okay, uh, no,” you say again. 

“No? You’re telling me no?” He puts on a display which does remind you of Loki. “How can you tell me no?” 

You look at him and blanch. His grey eyes stare back, goading you on. He bows his head slightly. 

“Yes, I mean, no. Yes, I am telling you no. No,” you steady your voice, “no.” He spins his finger and you repeat it again, loudly. 

He arches his brow and puts his hand to his chest, “no?” He sounds almost pathetic, “but darling,” he comes forward and lowers himself to his knees, one at a time. He takes your hand in his, “darling, please, don’t be mad at me.” 

You scoff as his theatrics turn ridiculous. You make a face and roll your eyes, “he wouldn’t...” 

“He will,” Odin assures. “If he knows you’re serious, if you don’t give him what he wants right away, oh, I think you could give him a right scare. As I have it, you already have done.” He lifts himself slightly and angles to sit beside you again, “just perhaps this time you needn’t scale the roof.” 

[loveharlow]

my unpopular obx opinions that no one asked for (unfiltered and in detail)...

Sarah cheating on John B was not unexpected. She ran into the arms of Topper Thornton whenever the opportunity presented itself which bring me to my next point...

Sarah does not like being a pogue. I believed she liked the initial freedom and adventure but when shit gets tough, she runs back to what reminds her of her old life (*cough cough* Topper). She has the luxury of being on the fence of Kook and Pogue sometimes.

Pope is technically the real main character of the show. On paper, yes, the show is about John B finishing the treasure hunt that his father started. BUT, after season 2, it was clear that the entire treasure itself revolved around Pope, a direct descendant of the man the treasure belonged to and I don't think we got enough of that.

Pope is a stronger character than he is presented to be. I think the show highlighted his self-defense capability in seasons 2 and 3 but it's widely ignored that this man has gone up against Rafe on multiple occassions and lowkey beat his ass. (Rafe beat his ass too but still).

Kiara will forever be wrong for how she did Pope. She treated him like SHIT. Like, if I was Pope, I genuinely could not be friends with her after like. P4L my ass. And then there are people who call him butthurt but if the roles were reversed...Hardcore Kie fans can defend her all they'd like but after a certain point, there was no excuse for her to be leading him on the way she did. She knew she didn't like him in that way and that's very clear from the start of season 2, but she proceeds to sleep with him and then tell him off.

Ward is a better father than Big John. Y'know, I pondered on this for a bit. And I am standing by it. Big John would break both of John B's legs and throw him onto a set of train tracks if it got him closer to finding the gold and excuse it by saying some shit like "But you didn't die, did ya, Bird?". Like that man was ALIVE for almost an entire year and made no attempt to contact his son. Ward is a criminal by all means but most of the time, at least what we saw as viewers, he was doing it for Rafe.

Cleo deserves more screen time and a better backstory. I know she's a new character and all but like WHAT'S HER LAST NAME?? Like does she not have one? Is she not real??

(edit) Kiara is very insensitive to the feelings of her friends and overall generally self-centered. She literally acts like her parents are the worst in the world. I get it, they don't like her friends and they are indeed hypocritical towards the pogues considering her father was one. But in season 2, she gets in the car and says "this shit would be so much easier without parents" next to JJ, aka the one with an abusive father. Not to mention, she's seen how John B fell apart after his father disappeared and how hard it's been for Sarah to go against her father.

CLEOPOPE BEST SHIP.

Anyway, I did this out of boredom. I had to take a break from actual writing for a moment.

[shinjiikar1]

I've been trying to think about what I want to say about these first two episodes of Love in the Big City. I'm watching it slowly, it's a show that makes me want to sit rather than rush ahead, and it also hits a little too close to home to enjoy freely (I've only watched the first two episodes so far and my knowledge of the rest of the story is fairly vague so bear with me).

Go Young experiences two major losses. The parallels between these losses, what could have been vs. what can never be again was what particularly stood out to me.

Mi Ae represents a beautiful time that is forever lost. After she gets married, there's no one he can be fully himself with. He simply doesn't have another relationship on that level, platonic or otherwise, and that's truly such an isolating experience. Who do you call when you're in trouble? Who do you complain to? Who will always be your first port of call?

Often, youthful friendships are particularly intense, you're at a point where the world feels so enormous but you don't quite know what to do with it, or yourself yet. Everything still feels new and exciting. You meet people who understand you in ways you've never been understood and can't imagine it won't last forever.

And then you experience that loss for the first time.

Kim Nam Gyu experiences it too. It's clear early in their relationship that Go Young is overwhelmed and uncomfortable with the intensity of Nam Gyu's feelings (his expressions during the padlock and ring scenes in particular). He feels suffocated and anxious, he's not ready for it. So, rather harshly (at least the first time) he ends things. I've been on both ends, which makes it a lot easier to empathize with both of them. While I feel for Nam Gyu incredibly (especially as I read him as very neurodivergent), that discomfort is not something easily resolved, and it's only made worse by his inability to move on. But how can he when he also has no one else?

In the end, Go Young mentions that he missed out on what could have been a long and lasting love with Nam Gyu but I wonder if that's true. Would he have eventually opened up and reciprocated that intensity? Or would he have continued to wallow in his discomfort and let that resentment pile up even further? It's hard to say, but based on the way he behaves, I think the latter. He just wasn't in a stage of life to accept it yet, without the experiences he has with Mi Ae, and without Nam Gyu's death, would he have made it to that point before it became too much? He says he didn't really believe love was possible for someone like him, it took him a lot to get to the point where he even starts to believe it; I find it hard to imagine that he could've gotten there purely through a relationship with Nam Gyu at that stage, as sad as that might be.

Mi Ae offers a bit of an interesting foil here. She chooses loss, but the loss of her authentic self. She chooses the safe option, a stable relationship and job, pleasing her parents, following societal expectations. Maybe the guy isn't quite right, but in the end what seems most important to her is that security, and she's willing to take a loss to get it. As others in the tags have pointed out, Go Young doesn't have that option. There is no option that will (mostly) guarantee him security and safety that would even be remotely tolerable and grant him any degree of happiness. Perhaps he could have chosen to lose parts of himself to be with Nam Gyu, but that wouldn't have provided him the type of security Mi Ae enjoys. If something went wrong and it didn't work out, he could stand to lose even more.

I think that's something that a lot of cishet people fail to understand, and part of what these episodes have done so well for me. Really underlining how the queer experience differs and how isolating it can be (which I think is reflected in Nam Gyu as well).

[biancadoes1]

Delulu is wonderful but will someone dare to say what happened between Nicola and Luke? B3 is 50/50 Lukola/Polin. Probably more even Lukola. The glances between them are simply mind-blowing. Nicola mentioned somewhere that she began to believe in love again during filming. Nicola cried when filming ended… Why did this repressed passion and love only remain in the series?

When I look at the current trolling that is happening in the media, I just don't understand… My 18-year-old son recently commented that if Nicola wants to be a sugar mommy, why am I still crying, let her be. Then at work I hear people reading and pointing fingers at how Nicola is hanging out with a young boy, if she really can't find a partner her own age… Until now, all this topic was mostly in private groups, but more and more all this dirty media reaches the general audience. I believe that half of the dirty talk would lose its influence if the parties involved were clear in their messages.

I love my delulu, DG private groups, sm adorable videos of them but I also love the real truth- what happened? Or why didn't it happen?

One thing I don't believe is that everything was just 100% PR It has already been more than a year/two since filming. If they are not officially together today and do not yet enjoy each other's company, fun and travel together, but share cryptic pictures on their WORK sm accounts, how do you take it? Kindergarten?

I'm a realist. It's much easier for me to see a happy ending when I can also see all those flaws and obstacles along the way. At the moment I only see fans blindly worshiping Lukola, but for a long time there is only standing still. Recently I heard that Luke's family likes A very much. She is still here and welcome in L family. And I already hoped…And it wasn't a rumor just from a direct source.

As Nicola said - if you fall in love with someone else, you never loved the first one. Was she the first? (before A) I am older than all of them and I believe that if you truly love someone, you will fight for them. You let go of a partner who is not right for you to continue with a person who is right…

I am 44 and Nicola's behavior seems childish to me today too. Age difference and life experience still count a lot. Hopefully the games will end and everyone will appreciate their partners as they are worth.

I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, anon.

But I disagree with everything you’re saying here.

Just because YOU want an explanation from someone doesn’t mean they need or are going to give one. You are being selfish in that regard anon.

No one is forcing you to sit through all of this back and forth. No one is forcing you sit here and read blogs and look at IG posts and read articles.

You make the choice to do all that. Nicola doesn’t force you to.

She owes you and the rest of us NOTHING.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Maybe we simply underestimate how difficult and complicated a mind can be. Perhaps, diving into other people minds requires a lot of energy. Naturally, each person hides secrets that they don’t want to be found by others.

We can say that the UM of Jade is like opening a chest with a padlock. Some codes are very difficult to found and some are easy. We can even say that some codes are just too cryptic for Jade.

It remind me of Nagi’s power in the World ends with you NEO. She can dive deep down other people mind but the operation is not easy. We have multiple steps before reaching the truth.

Maybe the difference with Silver is that he enter other people minds when they are sleeping. Jade use his UM when they are conscious. That increases the difficulty.

[Referencing this post!]

This would be easier for me to believe if Jamil’s UM didn’t exist. There seems to be very few limitations on his Snake Whisper despite it being very similar in design to Jade’s. For example, Jamil’s UM will physically hurt those who resist his spell until they finally cave in. He can basically brute force what he needs while Jade can’t—Jade has to be careful how much he presses for information and he gets saddled with the caveat that he can never use his UM on that person again.

It can’t simply be a matter of skill because that would imply Jamil is always craftier (or I guess “better at lock picking”) than Jade, which isn’t true in all cases. (Octavinelle pulled one over Jamil in book 4.) Not sure if lock picking is the best analogy here though, since neither Jamil nor Jade’s UMs are described as them literally delving into someone’s mind and being made privy to whatever is in there 🤔

I do want to note that the complexity of the spell also seems go involve number/scale. Jamil’s UM is stated to result in rapid blot generation if he casts it over a wide range. This is why we typically see both him using it on one person at a time, maybe two. This is the case for other UMs as well, such as Cater (who is limited on the number of clones he can produce at a time and how long he can sustain each of them). In this case, Jamil and Jade are usually only using their UM on one person each—thereby expending roughly the same amount of energy—and making commands of them. Put like this, there’s still very clear disparities between their power levels.

As I said in my original post, I understand that there will naturally be variance in UM and strength among students! There isn’t anything wrong with that. I just find it highly unbelievable and inconsistent with other lore (ie Fellow having “weak” magic/not getting into any magic school but his UM being way more useful than Jade’s, Jade telling Floyd off for sharing what his own UM does, etc.) Silver being able to use his UM multiple times in a short span of time also seems like something written for plot convenience rather than for actual lore reasons, given how repetitive book 7’s dream hopping segments are. It doesn’t feel totally cohesive to me, if that makes sense.

[triptychgrip]

Fruits Basket and the temptation to individualize systemic abuse

I certainly wouldn't be the first or last person to think about this, but one thing that I think happens open with Fruits Basket -- or any other piece of media that focuses on generational trauma/systemic abuse -- is that it becomes really easy to focus on an individual perpetrator and to desire for that person to atone for their harm -- in this case, that would be Akito Sohma -- while failing to consider reparations for an abusive system in totality (the Sohma estate and the generations that came before the current zodiac spirits).

And, of course, by focusing so much on the former as opposed to the latter, we often forget that individual perpetrators of abuse are often themselves victims in the system as a whole. NOTE: this does not mean that individuals don't deserve to be held accountable, merely that in the focus on individual accountability, a lot gets left on the table and a lot of nuance gets lost in the shuffle.

The tendency to individualize when it comes to harm is understandable given what we know about human nature; it's much easier to wrap our brains around the concrete in the form of a single emotionally or physically abusive person, rather than to think of an entire system that enables abusive power dynamics to flourish over long periods of time. The latter is so weighty, and if we're talking about pragmatism, reparations offered from a single person are much easier to conceptualize than reparations from the many people who uphold a corrupt system (who are usually indoctrinated from birth to do so).

Spoilers ahead!

We get the sense fairly early on in the manga/anime that the Sohma family is a very powerful one in Japan. As we get further and further into the story, Tohru learns that various people on the "inside" have been responsible for keeping the secret of the zodiac curse (and for allowing the current zodiac spirits to believe that their fate is inevitable). The curse is truly a shackle, and by the point the story begins, it's clear that all of the current spirits -- perhaps with the exception of Shigure who even admits that the curse doesn't really affect him -- feel the heavy weight of its binding.

We learn that Hatori is the only current zodiac member to possess memory suppression, but it's also true that his father once had this ability, and that it was on behalf of Akito and his father that Hatori learned and employed this power (suppressing Kana's memories, Yuki's friends' memories, etc). However, unless I've overlooked something, we never learn Hatori's father's name, or learn about his backstory. Similarly, there are a number of "insider" maids -- some part of the "Ren" faction, and some part of the "Akito" faction -- that we see throughout the story, but we don't know any of their names either, or their backstories. And yet, these maids are a huge part of what enables the corrupt system to flourish (and to a lesser extent, what keeps the power struggle between Ren and Akito going).

I actually find it a little astounding how little focus there is on the maids, considering that 1) they know about the curse, and 2) they are not part of the zodiac, which means they could theoretically defy Akito without enduring emotional or physical turmoil (unlike the zodiac spirits themselves). And honestly, it would have been entirely plausible for them -- at least, in the most practical sense -- to defy her, as we know that Akito is rather frail. Sure, we see her be physically violent at many times throughout the story, but it's a little silly to think that she would be able to hold her own against one or more of them if they teamed up together.

A question that I find myself returning to again and again is: what incentive do the maids have to uphold the corrupt system they are part of?

Does it truly come down to their being raised with a certain set of values, and a disposition to not go against the status quo? Given what we know about Akito, it's not as if we're led to believe that she treats any of them particularly well. So does their loyalty to the idea of the curse come down to having a proximity to power? Even power in the form of a person who is clearly very fickle, prone to tantrums, and generally speaking, emotionally unwell due to severe loneliness and fears of abandonment (note: this description could apply to both Ren and Akito)? Is the prospect of being a mouthpiece for the head(s) of the family really so appealing?

I obviously don't have answers to these questions, but they still inform my thoughts around how dangerous it is to think of Akito as the lynchpin of everything, particularly when it's clear that she has been so incredibly damaged by the family, both in terms of being told that she is "special" from such a young age -- thereby basically ensuring that she has a life of loneliness due to her being put on a pedestal -- and by way of the more obvious point in being raised as a male, counter to her own desires.

Honestly, the first time that I saw the below manga panel, I broke down.

I think it was my first time truly seeing Akito as the scared little girl that she really is...I mean look at her face. She looks like a wailing baby, so utterly helpless.

She is a victim of toxic abuse, and don't get me wrong: she absolutely perpetrated horrific emotional and physical abuse that she deserves to be accountable for.

But, I really wish we had seen more follow-up to the point of reparations...and not only for the individual zodiac spirits. Perhaps this starts with some decent therapy...and to that point, how would that even work? Wouldn't most therapists just generally not believe in a zodiac curse in the first place? -- but some acknowledgment that all of them, even Akito, were caught up in a world that stripped them of their own agency all due to indoctrination that began long before any of them were even born.

[trillscienceofficer]

I made myself rewatch “Blood Fever” and, in the spirit of analyzing all the times B'Elanna was under the influence of alien crap as the only times in which she shows overt interest in men, this dialogue really caught my attention:

Tom: Sorry. Try to stay calm. I know it's hard. B'Elanna: You don't know anything. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I need to do something. I can't take this. (She pushes Paris to the ground and straddles him. He pushes her off.) B'Elanna: You've never been hard to get, Tom. Tom: Well, I'm making an exception. I can't let you do this. B'Elanna: Oh, I'll bet you wish you could. All those invitations to dinner. And on the holodeck, the way you would stare at me when you thought I wasn't looking, and get jealous when I'm with someone else. You can't tell me you're not interested in me. Tom: You're right. I can't. B'Elanna Then don't push me away. Tom: Oh, believe me, I'd like to, but I know this isn't really you. You've made it clear that you're not interested, and I have to accept that's how you feel, even now. B'Elanna: No. No, it isn't. I was, I was just afraid to admit it. You see, I've wanted this for so long. (She kisses him.) B'Elanna Just let it happen. (More kisses.) Tom: I hope someday you'll say that to me and mean it.

So obviously this is B'Elanna almost at the end of her rope (the way she says that she feel like she's crawling out of her skin...) and the whole talk she gives about how she's seen the way Tom acts towards her is undoubtedly an act of desperation. B'Elanna is trying to wear his ethical concerns thin by pointing out that she knows what he's been doing, she's aware of his interest in her, so he could give in to his desires and have sex with her. Also obviously, that's fucked up!

But what I find most interesting in this scene is the fact that B'Elanna can explain so vividly how she knows Tom is attracted to her (the part I highlighted in purple), even in her state. She can recall precisely the instances in which she has observed Tom's interest. Now compare it with how she tries to talk about her own feelings towards Tom (in orange). It's much more perfunctory, a convenient explanation rather than a precise description of when and how her attraction developed. Even Tom seems rather unconvinced by the ‘I was afraid to admit it’ explanation, in addition to his obvious worry about her current state.

Now, I'm aware that B'Elanna is actually afraid of admitting any kind of feeling because she's so scared of letting go and letting people see her whole self, something Tom also points out to her at the end of the episode. So it is certainly a good interpretation to see B'Elanna's previous rejection of Tom as her being simply afraid of getting too close, especially to a human who might not be able to ‘handle her Klingon side’ just like her father wasn't able to deal with her mother and her (ie, afraid she'll be at the receiving end of more racial harassment).

Yet, I keep returning to the fact that B'Elanna was so precise when describing Tom's attraction to her but not vice-versa. I realize that in general women find it difficult to untangle their attraction to men from the attention they get from men. The latter is usually a strong component of the former for many women, and learning to separate the two things is often a long and difficult process. This is, I believe, part and parcel of the reality of living in a sexist society. With this perspective it's not surprising, imho, that B'Elanna finds it much easier to tell Tom about the way she's noticed his attention on her, rather than make a convincing case for her own feelings, even thinking of B'Elanna as completely straight.

But, but. As I've said at the beginning of this post, “Blood Fever” is part of a trend where B'Elanna is shown being attracted to men when under the influence of alien weirdness (the other episodes where this happens are “Persistence of Vision”, “Remember” and “Scientific Method”). It's probably the most obvious example of the whole trend, actually. The ‘sex pollen’ that makes B'Elanna act so irrationally is a strange offshoot of the Vulcan Pon Farr, something she only caught because Vorik (also not in his right mind) attacked her. (I think it's particularly fraught that all this is happening to her because she was essentially assaulted!!) And the dialogue above is so revealing to me, in the context of this trend—she knows of Tom's attraction to her, she's known for a long a time, but when it comes to her own desires her thoughts are much more nebulous and vague.

And it's not just in that particular scene I quoted, either. For example, earlier in the episode she bites Tom, but she doesn't seem super sure of why she did that (because again, she is not thinking very clearly):

Tom: [...] If I remember my Klingon customs, biting someone on the face means... B'Elanna: I know what it means. All right, so maybe I do feel something, some kind of instinct. What am I supposed to do about it?

And when pressed, she defaults to old Klingon wisdom:

Tom: B'Elanna, stop it! This isn't about the gun. This is about sex. But that's not gonna happen right now. B'Elanna: I think it is. See, I have picked up your scent, Tom. I've tasted your blood.

Part of it is Trek being always super weird about Klingon sex (this episode is certainly a prime example of that weirdness), and not having anything to say about it except for formulaic references. But also, taken all together, it's clear that B'Elanna is going through the motions of (Klingon) heterosexual practices because she has no other recourse, and Tom is just conveniently there, and conveniently already interested in her.

I think Tom calling her out on her pretense is already an obvious indicator that we shouldn't be taking what B'Elanna says of her own feelings at face value, but I would go even further and say that the way she acts is also hardly revealing of ‘true feelings’, much like her dreams in “Remember” were not her own. I'd say that seeing this episode as another example of B'Elanna being closeted is in fact just as viable an interpretation as the one that the episode puts forward (her being afraid of getting close to Tom); the two things aren't even mutually exclusive, in fact.

I've said before that the way Voyager puts B'Elanna in these situations where she has little to no control is an attempt to break her open and have her finally admit her feelings, because she's generally so closed off. So I'm aware of the narrative devices at play here. And yet, when these devices are being used so consistently when it comes to her relationship to Tom, I think it's interesting to look into it more deeply. B'Elanna and Tom were already playfully bickering and flirting even before “Blood Fever”, but it's only afterwards that it becomes really overt. I think part of it is because B'Elanna is now sure that he's interested in her (he admitted it to her), and he's shown himself to be a honorable man. It is honest attention; it's safe to reciprocate, and he won't take advantage of her. Yet the only way she's able to confess any feelings to him it's in the moments right before certain death in “Day of Honor”—her ambivalence never ceases to be there. It's even present all the way up to “Scientific Method”, where yet another instance of alien interference finally lets (?) her enjoy being close to Tom.

Again, I don't think it's at all a stretch to interpret all of this from the lens of a closeted B'Elanna—and “Blood Fever” unwittingly brings another argument in its favor, by having B'Elanna so clearly aware of Tom's feelings but not her own towards him.

[cressidagrey]

AO3 Masterlist

All of these link to my AO3, mostly because that's my personal favorite site to read fan fiction on, and it's much easier to make multiple stories into a series!

Unless otherwise noted, all my series/stories are ongoing, which means…if you have a prompt for any of them, shoot them my way. 

The Court of Gold and Shadows*

you'll be made of ashes too

Elain Archeron makes the most beautiful bride.

Azriel copes.

for the first time, what's past is past

Of all the ways, Azriel expected to meet his mate, this wasn't it. 

something good and right and real

Azriel had spent centuries believing that he of all people didn't deserve a mate. And if anything, the last three years had just galvinised that particular belief. And then he meets her.

The first time Oriana met Azriel, she thought that he reminded her of a skittish cat. Shy and a little bit broken. Good for him that she absolutely excelled in fixing the things around her.

Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours

5 Times Cassian thought that Azriel had feelings for somebody and then the 1 time he finally met the girl his brother was in love with. 

I breathe flames each time I talk

The story of how Oriana Fireborn Belmont, Third Daughter of the First Daughter, met her mate's family.

Also the story of how Rhysand, High Lord of the Night Court finally recognises that by the cauldron, there is no fury like that of a female scorned.

Meanwhile, Azriel would just like everybody to get along.

The Unexpected Series*

“If you need to fuck someone, go to a pleasure hall and pay for it, but stay away from her.”

What if… Azriel actually takes Rhys at his word? And does exactly what his High Lord ordered? With unexpected consequences.

Unafraid

Azriel does exactly what his High Lord ordered him to do. (Well, kinda.)

Unprecedented

This is Azriel finding out about said unexpected consequences

Unknowing

This is the Inner Circle finding out about said consequences. Azriel is very good at keeping secrets

Indelible*

Indelible Scars

Azriel knew pain. So did Galena.

Also known as: Azriel’s mate is a healer and the first time they meet, he nearly dies on her.

Glorious Sunrise

So what happens after the mating bond snaps?

Well-meaning interfering family members, deep conversations and nights spent brooding on the roof like some kind of gargoyle…this one has it all.

(The Smutty Sequel y’all asked for ;) )

A Pocketful of Stars*

New Pursuits

The shadows decide that Azriel needs a hobby.

5 times when said hobby-related shenanigans didn’t end so well…and the one time where it may end up better than Azriel could ever have imagined.

Welcome to the World 

The quickest turnaround time between finding your mate and having a kid anybody in the history of Prythian has ever managed

The Starlight Princess*

The Starlight Princess

There is a Pool of Starlight in the Spring Court. A piece of the Night Court that has no business being in the land of Eternal Spring. So how did it come to be?

Or: How the Spymaster of the Night Court starts hearing a voice, realises that no, he is not insane after all, frees a princess, kills a High Lord…and finds his mate all at the same time.

The Prophecy

Lightning in a Bottle

Eira Archeron was neither a Valkyrie, nor a Seer, nor the High Lady of the Night Court. She was actually pretty much useless. The only thing she wanted was to be somebody's first choice for once in her life.

Also known as: Azriel's shadows decide that if he doesn't treat his mate right... they'll just do it for him.

Looked to the Sky

Eira Archeron was neither a Valkyrie, nor a Seer, nor the High Lady of the Night Court. She was, however, Azriel‘s mate with her own mysterious, untrained powers.

Also known as: Azriel tries to court his mate the human way.

Recipe for Love

Peach Cobbler

Azriel finds a bakery and creates his very own reward system.

Honey Cakes

The Beehive Bakery is out of Peach Cobbler. This leads Azriel to make some very impulsive decisions. 

Don't wait for the Sky to Clear

The Fourth Archeron sister makes herself a life in the Dawn Court.

dust of your highest hopes

Eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves, goes the idiom.

When Solana hears an admission from the High Lord of Day, she’s ill-prepared for it. She doesn’t believe in fairytales any longer, but maybe there was a happily ever after for Solana and Helion somewhere

The Ties that Bind

Shadowsingers were made, not born. Made out of trauma and loneliness and desperation.

So when Cilla and Azriel meet and their shadows entwine, they both meet the only other person that could understand these particular childhood scars.

The last thing Azriel had ever expected from his mate, however, was for her to have a surprising connection to his brother.

The Witching Hour

5 Times members of the Inner Circle get absolutely terrified by Azriel's...whatever she is, and 1 (of many) times Azriel thinks that his witch was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Bound by Blood

Azriel's witch has some very smutty plans for Samhain.

Tear the World Apart

Eris’ mate decides to get rid of her father-in-law. Also known as: If Eris Vanserra married a very bloodthirsty Margaery Tyrell.

Brighten Up the Sky

A Mating Bond between her younger sister and the Night Court’s shadowsinger was the last thing Feyre had expected to spring up…but then, maybe it did make sense.

Stars all aligned

If there was one thing that both Azriel and Zahra Archeron had in common, it was that they were both very good at blending into the background.

(Super pretty dividers thanks to @tsunami-of-tears !)

[themenendezbrothers]

Lyle and Erik in their own words.

(partial transcript)

source: Netflix Menendez Brothers Documentary

ERIK MENENDEZ: I went to Dr. Oziel because I really wanted to kill myself. I told him that I was responsible. His response was to have Lyle come in.

LYLE MENEDEZ: He wanted one tape in which, at some point on tape, he told us "You guys, say you killed your parents." It wasn't like he was like, "Oh this is terrible" let me help you guys, and then we work through this in a confidential way. That's what a normal therapist would do. Dr. Oziel was right into blackmail. I was angry with Erik in the moment because I just couldn't believe he would think Dr. Oziel was a trustworthy figure. My father refused to hire Dr. Oziel unless he signed a document saying that everything that Erik told him he would relay to my father. And Dr. Oziel signed a document to that effect. My father chose this sleazy psychologist because it was the only psychologist who would be willing to waive confidentiality so his son couldn't actually confide in the doctor.

LYLE MENEDEZ: No. I never threatened Dr. Oziel. I don't go around threatening people. I had never had an act of violence in my life until my parents' shootings. I mean obviously, he wasn't feeling that threatened. He didn't go to the police and say I feel threatened. He knew that he could. He chose not to.

ERIK MENENDEZ: Lyle wrote me this emotional letter when I was in the county jail. Lyle couldn't express what he did in that letter in person. It was easier for him to put it on paper. He felt that telling the sick secrets of the family would be like killing my parents again. And he did not want to do it.

"I REFUSE TO GIVE UP. HE IS WATCHING AND I WILL NOT DISAPPOINT HIM. WE DID NOT DO ANYTHING FOR THE MONEY."

LYLE MENENDEZ: Ultimately it became clear that, particularly after they found that jail letter and there was no way around saying what happened. Because they had that note, they had a confession that we were responsible for my parents' deaths.

ERIK MENENDEZ: I was supposed to destroy that letter. But it was a precious letter to me. It was one of those moments where Lyle was really expressing his own pain. And I, I didn't want to just throw it away. Because that didn't happen often between us.

As a result of them finding this letter in the summer of 1990. We now had to confess to everyone. And having them have to relive not just my parents' deaths, but now knowing that we were responsible, was, heartbreaking. And really, a tragically painful conversation. I just said, I'm sorry. I'm so, so so sorry. I will understand if you no longer love me and no longer want me in your life. "WE ALONE KNOW THE TRUTH"

LYLE MENENDEZ: Was just very tragic for me personally. That something that I was doing to try to keep a secret for coming out - was the reason Erik my brother then said and, and Leslie… well now you have to. Your obsession with keeping this thing secret caused you to write this thing that the prosecution have got their hands on and now you have to tell why. I remember pleading with my brother not to let Leslie Abramson take him down that road.

ERIK MENENDEZ: Leslie was an extremely smart and wise woman. She knew that we were keeping really horrible secrets. And, I needed to get to an emotional space where I could talk about what happened.

ERIK MENENDEZ: When I first met Dr. Vicary, I saw him as another Dr. Oziel. I didn't know who to trust. And I had my brother telling me "Don't trust any of them."

LYLE MENENDEZ: I would much rather lose the murder trial than talk about our past and what had happened.

LYLE MENENDEZ: People who have such small contact with my father saying "this was the most intimidating worst human I've met in my whole life." So thats why there was zero character witnesses on my parents' behalf. Why couldn't you find that one person? Because they don't exist.'

LYLE MENEDEZ: You know, the sports parent to some degree is a classical thing. But my father took it really to an extraordinary level. Because by the time I was eleven, he had decided that I needed to focus on Tennis. My father's strong belief was it would weaken my game to play a weaker player. I would not play with Erik. So Erik was weaker. Now Erik could train and play with me and get better but my father really didn't care about that.

ERIK MENENDEZ: He loved us but he believed that love needed to be earned. So, to be loved by him, we had to be worthy of that love and often that meant going through pain.

ERIK MENENDEZ: One of the misconceptions is that I did not love my father or love my mother. Uh, That is the farthest thing from the truth. I miss my mother tremendously. I wish that I could go back and talk to her. And give her a hug and tell her I love her and I wanted her to love me and be happy with me, and be happy that I was her son. And feel that joy and that connection. And I just want that. It's more difficult with my father. To me, as a boy, he was more than just a man. He was like the modern version of an ancient Greek God. He was different than any man I had ever met. And I simply idolized him. I wanted to be like him. But he was rarely a dad.

ERIK MENENDEZ: In time, Dr. Vicary revealed himself to be a kind compassionate gentle person. Letting me sit in silence until I felt safe enough to speak. It was Dr. Vicary.

And Dr. Burgess that I ended up slowly just coming clean and, telling everything that happened.

Dr. William Vicary

[shieldofiron]

When I first joined this fandom in late 2022, I had some traction with some stories. And some people reached out to see if I wanted to join a discord server that was owned by a person who at the time had over 1000 followers and posted quite frequently. She was popular, though she presented herself as much more popular than she was. Let’s call her Z.

I did not connect with everyone there, in fact I was uncomfortable for reasons I will go into in a moment, but there were some people I really did connect with, and I stayed to be close to them. And then one day, my closest friend there was kicked out of the space with little to no explanation. He begged the mods and Z, formerly his close friends, and was blocked. I combed the server, but I couldn’t find anything that he did that in my opinion was worth kicking him out. Then he began losing followers and receiving many hurtful and upsetting anons on his tumblr. Angry, because I suspected they had something to do with it, I stopped posting in there and later left. I was disgusted that this was going on and they were acting to my face like it wasn’t, and still sucking up to me about my stories. He said he was worried about me believing him, believing that whatever he did, he didn’t understand what it was. But having witnessed Z’s behavior in her server I had no problem believing it was her and her friends.

Z used to find fanfiction or art of ships that she didn’t like, and @ everyone in the server to come look at it, despite knowing it was extremely distressing for some members. If you protested that you had no issue with these ships in fiction but that maybe you didn’t want to see that on a Tuesday at work in the general chat, Z and her closest friends would harass you (me) to say that it was bad, and evil. She often called for people to unfollow these artists, or block users who she had found and showed to us without any participation on our part. Despite this she frequently became interested in dead dove subject matter, but it was always ok when she did it. Boundaries did not exist to her, except for the boundaries of her taste and how she thought the world should be. Z would routinely make jokes about sensitive subjects like trans rights, and let's just say it felt like it wasn’t her place. But don’t worry, Z would say, I have friends who are [joke she had made] [from country she had insulted] so it’s fine. There’s only so many times you can hear a joke like that and not wonder why it’s being made over and over. If you were offended, everything was a joke, or there was something you didn’t understand.

This server was a deeply uncomfortable space. Many times I felt harassed over my politics, over my opinions in fiction, and it was often easier to just swallow this. When I met my friends there, they showed courage standing up for themselves and I am so glad that I found them. With them, my experiences of this fandom lightened enormously. Z and her friends had made me so paralyzed, paranoid and unhappy. I had been afraid to even talk about my race however tangentially. I was afraid to make posts against anti behavior, because they had so twisted the way I thought the Billy fandom would perceive them. Thankfully I do not think that the majority of the fandom agrees with her views.

Z apparently has been presenting harassing my friend as a misunderstanding. Perhaps the misunderstanding is that she thinks any of this is harmless. Misunderstandings can be overcome, discussed, apologized for. If someone is confused, you can explain, you can be civil. There was no discussion.

Z made no effort, except to further talk about him and others behind their backs. She never reached out to clear anything up at any time. Her excuses when she made them were frankly shocking. And she never explained to me why my friend was so dangerous, but hid behind fake apologies and more popular friends, lying to my face like things were all good. My friend made a post when he felt safe with her username and the username of another person who harassed him. My friends that I kept from that server are the bravest people I know who understand that reputation means nothing if you can’t look at your own actions with conviction. And Z went away for a time.

Until I earlier this year, I was invited to a very large Billy server. Immediately I was confused by a user I had seemingly never seen before who had me blocked. It was Z, with a new name. She had me blocked until she saw me interacting positively with a very popular artist. Then I somehow became unblocked. Which was very interesting. I came to find that she was very close friends with them or tried to be. She appeared to be very close with the owner of the server too.

I was obviously wary but who knows. People can change. I really believe that. Unfortunately I do not believe that she has changed yet.

All of her old behavior was back as was my paranoia and fear. And it appeared that, emboldened by her friendship with the owner of the server and others, she felt safe going even further. Here was finally what she had craved, a large platform and popularity to continue her previous behavior. I later came to find out that the owner of the server had her own issues with bullying others, twisting the truth, and other, much more serious things. They showed the same character that Z always did, sweet to my face and sour behind everyone’s back. Yet again people said that they worried they wouldn’t be believed. They were afraid of the fandom famous people who were their friends.

Perhaps it’s just me, but if I had been called out in the past for bullying a trans person online I would distance myself from any appearance of transphobia or bullying or lying. Not Z. She in fact announced that she would bully the mods and “everyone” in the server when people joined. I am not paraphrasing, she said he was a bully so often that it was almost comical. She openly said she was an anti when someone confronted her over AGAIN trying to publicly shame authors and create mass unfollowing campaigns. There were no or minimal consequences for this. She would casually bring up the same old jokes and dogwhistles that she used to, uglier with time, and to me pathetically stripped of anything that could have excuse them.

Nobody told me these things. I saw it with my own eyes. But still, somehow, she was the hero, the popular beloved person in every story. I was afraid because she had very powerful friends. Or at least she pretended she did. Because she was friends with a server owner who hurt people I cared about. I am still afraid now. But I’d rather do it afraid for my friends than watch this happen.

I would give up every stupid note on every stupid meme if it meant trans people, and all vulnerable people, felt safe in fandom spaces. I am tired of dishonest communication and trying to play some stupid game I never fucking cared about. If some popular person wants to crush me like a grape for believing my friends, they can go ahead and do it already.

Everybody wants to be liked, everybody wants to be believed. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. But I’m done waiting for people to believe me or like me. I’m done waiting for people to wake up and take a look in the mirror. To explain and to deign themselves to listen. I believe in my friends. I believe my eyes, and I believe in my own convictions. That’s enough for me.

I believe people can change. I hope they do. But I hope they do away from vulnerable people who they can hurt carelessly.

I’m not blocking you. Clean up your own mess.

[msbunnat]

sorry if you’ve been asked this before but how do you interpret Zeus in Greek mythology?

I know you like to keep the details of your comic a secret but can you at least elaborate on your perspective about his canon?

Like me personally, I see Zeus as kind of a force of nature, probably cuz he kind of is. He’s the man made character created in order to further understand that which man did not know, like all the gods. And also like the other gods his actions are hard to rationalize cuz they’re so dam inconsistent. One moment he’s treating women as disposable then the next he’s giving Hestia the respect and permission to never marry without any question.

sorry for the Yap sesh lol, love ur art and ur comic btw!

I think this is the first time someone has asked this and I am very happy to answer!

*THIS IS TO BIG SORRY!! ;-;

First, I need to make it clear that the Zeus of ancient myths and my Zeus will be different, even though its based on mythology. I am just contributing with my two cents to this range of fanfics that have existed since ancient times.

I truly believe that all the myths we love and explore are basically fanfics based on a religion and that people in the past used them to spread knowledge, comedies, tragedies and just to have fun while keeping the image of their gods alive. That is why the gods are so inconsistent in mythology, since we have many variations even of a single myth and it will always depend on who is telling the story (I wish it were easier to make fics like this about my religion, but I am afraid of the reaction of extremists).

I interpret Zeus in mythology like all the other gods, I no longer make a distinction based on the prejudice of him being a compulsive pervert, he has many sides. As all gods re natural forces, natural as in animal and plants, but also human feelings and urges.

Zeus has some basic pillars that myths tend to respect: He is THE father, he is the fairest one, he is the executioner, he is seductive, he is good-humored (sometimes he makes some bad jokes kkkkkk), he defends natural balance more than anything and he respects the will of others (this seems ironic, but calm down!!). After reading more myths about him and different interpretations, I understood that this modern view of him as a player is completely distorted and ignores all the other myths he participates (I understand that it became his joke, but… some people take it to seriously). So I started to form my own view of his myths.

Most of his adulteries are consensual and when they are not, they remain in that confusing area of ​​what was once consensual, since it is always mentioned that he seduces (for example, how he turned into an bull or a shower of gold because he knew that his potential partners really liked those things - and I find it hilarious that it seems like he didn't even intend to get Danae pregnant kkkkkk, but it ended up happening). This doesn't mean we can't understand that some of these seductions are abusive (like taking the form of a husband to have a night with Persephone or Alcmena), but saying that he discarded them doesn't seem right either. He often protected his lovers and bastards in the most intelligent way possible and sometimes he just walked away too for the good of others. And in a way, as the father and lord of the sky, he is always watching. I also hate how we take away any woman agency when it comes to Zeus, like, there re myths that they wanted a casual nigth with a god... stop ignoring that!! (the bad thing is that Zeus is also a pilar for fertility ;w; so if he sleep with someone with a uterus... they will get pregnant).

Going to the non-literal side, we have to remember that Zeus is a god and his adultery should not be seen as the same as that of mortal men. He cant acuatlly be with a mortal on the mortal realm and be a husband there... I also want to say: Hera wasn't that jealousy (I think she herself knew that Zeus needed to spread his blood/goodness in the world - yes, a strong interpretation is that Zeus' affairs are a metaphor for spreading goodness). On the contrary, she respected the bastards who faced their challenges and thus deserved to be close to them on Olympus. Hera tested the heroes for two reasons: So they understood that she and Zeus were in charge (so that no one would think they could usurp the throne, and she protected both her and Zeus, as well as Zeus do his best to also prevent the bastards to die and have some help - both Zeus and Hera do all this from a distance, they want to be fair with eachother) and to see if they deserved to be with the immortals.

It seems ironic today, but Zeus respected everyone's will, but it was in the Greek terms (more of in atenians terms, bc we don't have much of the other states). He accepted the decisions of Hestia, Athena, Artemis… I don't remember seeing him laying a finger on them or wanting them to get married. On the other hand, we have versions of him as father of Persephone, 'selling' her (but the myth was about an arranged marriage and I think it makes sense that it's Zeus, since the focus ends up being Demeter's suffering and this encompasses more complex feelings when losing her daughter because her 'husband' gave her away, while he is still respected and loved socially).

Now the bad side of Zeus in how fair he is. He punishes Apollo in some situations, even though I understand why he needed to do it… But he is not shallow enough to be evil for the sake of evil… It left a impression on me when he killed Asclepius and hurt Apollo (obviously), it is sad and I doubt he enjoyed killing his grandson, but if he didn't do it… the balance of the cycle of death would collapse and he is the one who sustains this cycle with the greatest respect. In fact, my theory is that he doesn't face Nyx, not because he fears her, but because no matter who wins the fight, the world will end (if Nyx dies, the night and everything that comes from the night, for the Greeks like sleep and death, will be disturbed / if Zeus dies the throne will be empty and no other god would do what he does, maybe Athena, but the world was too sexist back then to let her become sovereign and I also think she would be colder than Zeus when making decisions and would have no descendants…). But sometimes he just wanted to prank and have fun! So like, no straight answer here.

In the case of Ganymede, I believe that his myth is more one of those in which Zeus is merely a narrative tool, more than an active role. People just started shipping them and that's when the pederasty boom happened, but before that Ganymede was just a boy who was handsome and got a 'dream job' (poor thing…).