#but it's another thing entirely for you to give me the ugliest piece of shit i've ever seen and just expect me to make it presentable

[becca-alexa]

i understand the technological gap between generations but at what point does that gap just turn into incompetence

[the-girl-who-didnt-smile]

Baron de la Mort

Here is my take on a “Baron Samedi”-type Hazbin Hotel character (take two)

His name is often shortened to “The Baron” or simply “Baron”. In terms of character design, this is just a rough draft.

This doesn’t even begin to look like the art style of the show! Jesus Christ…

The previous, scrapped concept was deeply offensive, on many different levels. In a nutshell, I erred in taking Denise Alvarado, Randy P. Conner, and Wikipedia as reliable sources for Haitian Vodou. I’m that fucking stupid! It was also a mistake for me to include a reference to Sosyete Nago, given the recent controversy. The reason I have not just deleted it is because it illustrates exactly what not to do, and mistakes are a learning experience.

Baron Samedi is one of the most misrepresented lwa in popular media, which I previously discussed here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54861145/chapters/150245212 

To correct past mistakes, I attempted to style him after Andre D. Pierre’s portrayal of Baron Samedi, with some deliberate changes. This is why he smokes cigars, and in his human form he wears sunglasses (although, his sunglasses are styled after Gustavo Fring)

Andre Pierre painted this incredible mural of the lwa, and I genuinely think Baron Samedi is the single most stylish man in this entire pantheon. I’m a little sad that his immaculate, anime-esque facial hair never made it into the public consciousness… 

In all seriousness, I actually think one of the coolest things about Pierre’s rendition is how he depicts Baron Samedi carrying scales, because he’s the Supreme Judge over the human soul. That’s so fucking cool!

My brain is so rotten on One Piece, I just immediately connect him to the Holy Knights and Peak Stylish One Piece Man: Impel Down Crocoboy

This is how this man dressed in prison!

Funny story… Baron is actually supposed to be Donquixote Doflamingo. 

Because I am insane, I genuinely think Doflamingo is the only One Piece man who has better drip than Crocoboy.

His drip is so horrible, ugly, and evil, just like everything else about Sir D. Onquixote D. Oflamingo

He is the most evil drag king who will ever fucking live.

This guy is not nearly as evil as Doffyboy, but this is why he always wears sunglasses… he for sure has a second pair of sunglasses underneath his sunglasses… Lanmò is supposed to be Bellamy… Lavi is supposed to be Monet...

At that, this is actually the reason for the inclusion of Lanmò and Lavi. TAKE ONE PIECE FOR EXA– So you know how Baroque Works was introduced before Crocoboy, and Bellamy was introduced before Tanjiahdo Lofulamingo Sama. If you put a ‘boss’ character into a story, you have to give him henchmen and introduce the henchmen, otherwise the bossman doesn’t seem cool… There’s a sequence to things. Lanmò and Lavi demo ‘henchmen’ types characters you would give this guy.

Anyways, you know how Doflamingo - ugliest man in all of One Piece - is WAY stronger than Crocodile (the Suna Suna no Mi is complete dogwater) but plagiarizes the shit out of his look… This other guy is stealing Doflamingo’s look. This is why elements of Dofla D. Mingo and Croco D. Boy are both present in his design.

So “Baron of the Dead” was just a placeholder name. That name sounds so bad. I decided to give him the name “Baron de la Mort”, which is also kind of a stupid name. He and “Maman de la Vie” break the Jojo-ass naming scheme to signify their unique importance, as the gods of the dead.

He is not actually Baron Samedi, but a human from another universe. In the universe he comes from, there exists something like Baron Samedi. In fact, this is actually how you reveal the identities of THE GODS themselves, through the backstory of THE GOD OF DEATH! The added element of them being from another universe just makes it more fun, because you can make them human souls from any time period and alternate history imaginable - including the future!

The backstory for “Baron de la Mort” is described here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55065466/chapters/151062802  

Here, it is crucial not to collapse his moral complexity. He cannot be described as “pure evil” or “a hero”; for his extraordinary ruthlessness and moral neutrality, he was the perfect candidate to become Mortality itself.

I genuinely think this makes for a very interesting fictional character; however, the subject matter must be handled with the utmost maturity. Hazbin Hotel is not exactly a show known for its maturity… If he were ever to appear in a show like Hazbin Hotel, this aspect of his backstory should only be implied, and not addressed directly. If a flashback is shown, it should not involve his criminal history, but his relationship with his son, who came out as homosexual to him.

This is a key part of his past human life. He is designed to contrast with Moxxie and Angel Dust’s fathers, in that he did not reject his son and loved him unconditionally. Unlike his wife, his son’s soul was not used to create a god. He doesn’t remember him, but on some level he misses him.

Recently, I watched the documentary Des Hommes et Dieux (2002) [Vimeo] [Kanopy]. One of the things that really moved me was the parents in this documentary, who didn’t reject their children. This is in part because of their religious beliefs - that they were born that way to serve the lwa. It’s remarkable… Haiti - the nation that did the right thing, and paid the price for it - is one of the most impoverished places on the Earth, and yet there’s this side that’s accepting of this. The culture I grew up in is WAY more affluent, but there’s no equivalent to Vodou; homosexuals and transgender people were just hated, “better off dead”... 

In terms of media representation, it is important not just to show characters who are themselves LGBT, but the parents of those characters. Importantly, this representation cannot just be superficial (e.g., the “lesbian” or “gay parent” background characters, who have no speaking lines and are easily censored) You have to actually show how did these parents grapple with this reveal? How did they handle the shock of it, and why didn’t they reject their children? This matters because it might be able to change the minds of some parents in the real world. Family rejection has a huge, negative impact on LGBT children, and several minority communities are disproportionately affected by this trend. Intersectional representation is scarce, and often feels inauthentic - especially when a creator takes characters who were clearly originally planned to be white, racebends them, and doesn’t account for cultural differences. This would be a unique opportunity to show this side of Haitian culture, in an authentic way.

What I had actually envisioned for this character is a darker spin-off of Hazbin Hotel - a story that takes place in its world and expands on Earth and the afterlife. He is best utilized there. Barring this, he still makes for a fun character as the “grim patriarch” over a motley crew of henchmen / “capricious children”. In terms of personality, he’s supposed to be a cross between Gomez Addams and Gustavo Fring.

This aspect of his character was inspired by Donald Cosentino’s Sacred Arts, in which he characterizes Baron Samedi like so: 

“Bawon Samdi is a family man, presiding over a whole clan of related spirits who bear a startling collective resemblance to the Addams family…There is, for instance, Bawon Lakwa, the imbecilic brother who keeps the cemetery grounds, and Gran Brijit, the ghoulish, red-eyed wife, and the wise Bawon Simitye. But it is their capricious children, known collectively as the Gedes, who are the truly beloved of the Bawon’s family. As sacred children, the Gedes merge with the other dead, and the other lwa, to form the holy trinity of Vodou. Everyone seems to love the Gedes, for in linking the cemetery to the phallus, they celebrate our common sexual victory over death.”

SOURCE: Cosentino, Donald. Sacred Arts of Haitian Vodou. United States, UCLA Fowler Museum of Cultural History, 1995. p. 405 https://archive.org/details/sacredartsofhait0000unse/page/404/mode/2up? 

If Milo Marcelin’s Mythologie Vodou, Vol. II is to be believed, Baron Samedi really does have this band of “capricious children” following him around. This is a scary ass lwa, described as The Supreme Judge over the Earth and The Lord over the Dead, who bewitches people and turns them into zombies, also has a bunch of kids with these hilariously clashing personalities, who sing funny songs where they call Baron Samedi “papa”... Not to mention that several of them may or may not be gender non-conforming / non-heterosexual… I think that’s fun!

Didn’t you love Baroque Works?

Baroque Works was so fun… it was literally just:

The Donquixote pirates were even better. 

Just:

Several aspects of Baron are actually inspired by Don Corleone, but it’s a mistake to make him visually resemble the Godfather, as it makes him look too much like Francois Duvalier. This is why I think he should adopt a Victorian era-esque style - to make it obvious he is not “Papa Doc”. It is also why he should not speak in a nasally voice; I was picturing him with a super deep voice, or an effect layered over his voice. He needs to have a distinct and intimidating voice. Ideally, he is voiced by a Haitian voice actor.

(in the Japanese dub I was totally picturing him sounding like Ryūzaburō Ōtomo)

To summarize his powers (his stats are not changed):

He is the Grim Reaper of Hazbin Hotel; he is tasked with escorting human souls to Heaven or Hell (your ass probably didn’t get into Heaven…you’re probably going to Hell)

He exerts pure Death Anxiety on humans, making him appear Scarier than is visually conveyed… (I know my art is bad! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!)

Like all other Loa, he can possess humans and communicate with them through their dreams; he can be petitioned to bewitch another human and/or give them horrifying nightmares.

He alone has the power to create zombies; all zombies are created through him, in some way.

His black-colored magic is Death itself; a human does not die until he kills them; he can be petitioned to postpone a human’s death.

His signature move is where he rips apart a human soul but slows down time while he’s doing it, so the person experiences torture forever (this attack looks WAY COOL but it’s not very strong… four-dimensional confetti is a lot stronger than this…) This is extremely easy for him to do; he can make millions of these without breaking a sweat.

He has the highest Attack Power of any god; this means he can kill everything in a given universe, in an instant.

When he fuses with his wife, she basically gives him infinite Healing. They become the most powerful thing underneath uppercase God.

If somehow figure out a way to kill his unkillable wife, he goes BERSERK where he gains the power to do things that are completely impossible, at the cost of all his Battle IQ

Although he is forced to assume a human form, he shapeshifts to look like a skeleton when carrying out his duties as the undertaker. When he does this, his sunglasses become his eye sockets, the skull painted on his face becomes an actual skull, and the rings on his fingers become bones. He wears a small black cross, which is not inverted, and black gloves to hide his Scary Skeleton Hands. 

To be honest, there are a lot of Scary Skeleton Men who look Scarier than this, but I think his powers are Scary as fuck. If this was something you could encounter in the real world, I would just about shit my pants!

In two regards, I may or may have massively played myself. 

Firstly, I previously assumed that God (Hazin Hotel) exists, but it dawned on me that we’ve never actually seen God. Walk with me here, but what if God doesn’t actually exist, and it’s just a conspiracy made up by the angels in Heaven? In which case… Bon Dieu isn’t actually God. He’s just this horrifying Eldritch Abomination who created The Boys, then fucked off into hyperspace (or, hyper-hyperspace) I guess! …Can you see why it’s a problem to call them “Baron Samedi” “Papa Legba” etc…?

Actually, this is not that big of a deal. It’s kind of funny if “Bon Dieu” is this just Bill Cipher-ass, super-powered Abomination.

But secondly, I think it is likely that “Double Hell” exists. EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Well, I think it is likely that there’s some other zone(s) outside of Heaven and Hell, because of the existence of Roo. They’ve shown the various Rings of Hell in Helluva Boss, but Roo does not seem to be in any of them. So where is she? In Dante’s Inferno, there are actually more than seven Circles to Hell; perhaps there are secret levels to Hell, and Roo is in one of the secret levels. Another possibility is that she dwells in a zone outside of Hell proper! Then you have to consider the fate of the souls destroyed by the Exterminators. What happens to those souls? What happens to souls that have been ripped apart? I think it’s doubtful that they merely cease to exist. Otherwise, there would probably be many people seeking out this “exit” from whatever horrors they are experiencing under a Soul Deal with a Demon Overlord. The more likely answer seems to be “Double Hell”... which probably isn’t called “Double Hell”, but it’s existence is implied in the pilot. Basically, instead of respawning in the Pride Ring, you respawn here, and this is just torture for eternity. Something like every cell in your body burns forever… Real Hell, if you will. If I had to guess, I think this might be where Roo dwells, and she somehow feeds off of torturing these souls forever… that would be SICK!

If this turns out to be even partially true, I think this ROCKS I’m down, but it does completely undermine the concept of the Real Hell attack... The Real Hell is way less cool if Double Hell exists. However, I still think it’s a little cool in that it’s more ancient than even Double Hell. Charlie is such a sweet girl that if Double Hell exists, she might make it her mission (and succeed) to free all the souls from “Double Hell”.  So I guess a cool thing about Real Hell is that nobody ever gets out of it. Baron is the only thing that can free a human soul from this torture, and he never does. He never goes back on his decision.

I thought about changing his powerset, but no… the mental image of Gustavo D. Fring going BERSERK is so goddamn funny to me. This guy is so fucking smart too! But no… Santa Claus and Nina Simone are smarter than him… 

In the Santa Claus v. Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams showdown, it is actually a very close fight. So you’re thinking to yourself “How does Santa Claus kill the Dyad with INFINITE ATTACK and INFINITE HEALS?” Basically, if he blows up the entire multiverse, there is no more space for anything to exist but himself. This is how he fucking wins… there is a 50% chance Mr. and Mrs. Corleone win, but a 49% chance Louis Armstrong (underdog) wins instead… 

The one thing I did tweak is the impossible battle scenario between him and his wife. I think it’s kind of pointless for purple-colored magic to destroy black-colored magic; rather, it’s that the two cannot harm each other. Life cannot kill Death; Death cannot kill Life. So basically they are just locked in an infinite stalemate. But if he was fighting someone other than his wife who somehow has purple-colored magic, he does win solely because he has the Berserk mode. He’s a bit of a Stu in this regard… It takes him forever to figure out the condition that triggers it, making this one of the most boring fights imaginable.

He is sometimes seen carrying a staff, which was visually inspired by the In Extremis display at the UCLA Fowler Museum. The staff would look unsettling if it existed in real life. As it is not made out of materials that exist in the real world, it falls into the uncanny valley of “organic vs. inorganic”. The black portion of the staff is supposed to resemble a human aorta.  

Also inspired the In Extremis display, “Baron de la Mort” and “Maman de la Vie” are figured as skeletons, while “Lanmò” and “Lavi” (demons who sold their souls to them) are rotten flesh. It should be immediately visually obvious that former pair are “the boss” and the latter pair are “the underlings”. 

In addition to Baron Samedi, “Baron de la Mort” is also inspired by a “Devil” figure who appears in American folklore. There is a very fun theory that this “Devil” is actually Baron Samedi. I do not know if it is true (it could turn out to be bullshit), but I think it makes for a fun story in a fictional setting. This is why he has a minor black cat motif, as this “Devil” is associated with black cats. He is occasionally seen holding a black cat Godfather-style, to contrast with “Big Papa”’s dog motif.

See also: Jacobsen, K. (Nov. 1, 2002). The Society for the Study of Southern Literature, Volume 36, Issue 1: https://southernlit.org/volume-36-issue-one-fall-2002/ 

Selling your soul to “The Devil” is a big thing in American folklore, which is why a human can sell their soul to “Baron de la Mort”. Unlike “Big Papa”, Baron is not much of a Dealmaker. He does not seek out humans to make contracts with; they seek out him. This is very rare, as only the most desperate humans (living or dead) ever seek him out. His soul deals are extremely brutal - some of the worst to enter. Unlike “Big Papa” he also makes deals with souls in the afterlife, as he moves freely between the realms of the living and dead. (Papa is powerful enough to do this too, he’s just not interested in it)

Baron is also sometimes seen carrying scales, but he’s technically not the Judge. He does not decide who goes to Heaven or Hell, but he is the Supreme Executive Authority. Because he wields Executive Power, he can override the decision on a human’s final destination. For this reason, he is extremely powerful, outranking the Archangels in Heaven and the Seven Deadly Sins.

He rarely exercises this power, as he has so little regard for human lives.  If he abused his Executive Authority, he would have been removed from his post. On rare occasion, he overrides the decision and adopts human souls into his personal domain - a third option outside of Heaven or Hell, called “The Underworld”. 

Previously, I defined a set of criteria to join the Underworld. Baron de la Mort is a lot more elusive about his criteria. It seems to be something he does on a whim, and appears to happen pretty randomly. 

The real reason for this is because, in his past human life, he had a large family of several children and grandchildren. Upon becoming a god, he lost his memories of his past human life, but he occasionally gets glimpses of it in a process similar to dreaming. He cannot clearly remember this, but on some level he misses his children. 

The irony here, is that unlike SOME OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ROOM this guy is actually a good father figure. This serves to humanize him, and make him more fun (Don’t you love Gomez Addams??)

He is designed to contrast with “Big Papa”. “Big Papa” is inspired by Papa Legba of New Orleans Voodoo; “Baron de la Mort” is inspired by Baron Samedi of Haitian Vodou. In spite of his name, “Big Papa” is not a good father figure; “Baron de la Mort” actually is. “Big Papa” is the only one who doesn’t have a spouse/ex-spouse; “Baron de la Mort” and “Maman de la Vie” are the only two who were married, not just in their present lives as gods, but their past lives as humans. They are also the only two who have children (adopted, as they are not allowed to conceive another Loa). 

On the subject of “Port-au-Prince”... this is a character I designed to be the adoptive son of Baron de la Mort (I need to rewrite his bio at some point…). He was originally designed to resemble Guede Nibo, as portrayed by Andre Pierre. However, this was a misguided decision, as Andre Pierre himself took offense to the notion that Guede Nibo is gay.

Having pondered this, I think the most respectful course of action is to eliminate the association between “Port-au-Prince” and Guede Nibo. If you look at his character design, “Port-au-Prince” really doesn’t look like Guede Nibo. Sure, they both wear purple, but he just looks like a cartoon twink version of Prince, the singer. “Port-au-Prince” is so early in development, I didn’t even draw a full body image of him. I’ve decided to scrap any association between him and Guede Nibo, to avoid making him physically resemble Guede Nibo, or equate the two on any level.

Rather than being a tribute to Andre Pierre’s artwork, he is now a tribute to Milo Marcelin’s Mythologie Vodou, in which Marcelin describes how Baron Samedi has many “children”. “Port-au-Prince” is just one of these children. In fact, he is actually the youngest one, as he is the one who was adopted most recently. For this reason, he is the least powerful one, but he is still a lot more powerful than the average angel or demon. The Hazbin Hotel version of Guede Nibo would be his older brother - the most powerful of his siblings. However, this character would not receive as much focus as “Port-au-Prince” himself, who receives the spotlight because he has some sort of connection to Angel Dust. 

Presently, I figured “Port-au-Prince” as a Haitian American. He was born to a Haitian mother - a sex worker - in New York. Because he physically resembled his father - who abused and abandoned his mother - she was cruel to him from the earliest age. She and her boyfriends abused him throughout his childhood. Their relationship was so sour, that he ran away from home during high school. He was taken in by a gang, who got him hooked on crack. As he experienced homophobic bullying as a small child, he was closeted his entire life. He died violently, at a young age. 

He was supposed to go to Hell, where he would have become Angel Dust 2.0, but Baron de la Mort decides to adopt him instead. For this reason, he is far more well-adjusted than Angel Dust. Because these two have very similar interests and personalities, they would get along swimmingly, but Angel Dust would probably feel intense jealousy and grief upon seeing his loving family.

This is the direction I decided to go in, but I can see how this could still be taken the wrong way, especially given my track record… If deemed controversial, another option is to remove his drag persona (or, make her a different character from him) and leave his sexuality open to interpretation. In terms of media representation, it is also important to show cisgender heterosexuals who are not traditionally masculine / feminine, and have gay or trans friends. In this alternate scenario, he would have several friends in the LGBT community, but his own sexual orientation would be unconfirmed. 

I might change his backstory to make him Haitian - not Haitian American. The reason he is Haitian American is to establish a parallel between him and Angel Dust, who is also from New York. I think it also makes for an interesting contrast with him and Lanmò, who was born in Haiti, but grew up on the West Coast. These make for interesting settings, but I might make changes to his (and possibly Lanmò and/or Lavi’s) place of birth / growing up.

Baron de la Mort’s special move is still The Black Hole of Torture, but the attack is called Judgment now. It’s the same attack, but he’s classy about it. 

I associate him with black holes because I FUCKING LOVE THE BLACK HOLE MULTIVERSE THEORY!!!

…It’s actually called Schwarzschild cosmology.

I just love that this is a real theory that scientists genuinely think might be our reality. Our universe is inside a black hole and the black holes inside our universe are portals to other universes. That would be SO NUTS!!!

Imagine this: You fall into a Black Hole, get spaghettified, wind up in the fictional One Punch Man universe, millimeters away from Saitama’s fist. That would suck balls…

So I put this into my fanfiction, but I implemented it in the dumbest most pop science way ever. This is an aspect I am probably going to change, as it places an unnecessary constraint on the creativity of this story. I’m probably going to revise this so it just conforms to Michio Kaku’s conceptualization of the multiverse.

Doesn’t this piss you off, though?

On top of everything else about Big Papa, he’s the character you introduce multiverse bullshit through.

BOOOOO!!!!! 🍅 🍅 🍅 🍅 🍅 🍅 🍅 MULTIVERSE PEAKED WITH MILES MORALES!!!!!!

…I imagine Vivziepop has zero plans to canonize the Hazbin Hotel multiverse. At this point, the world at large is experiencing Multiverse fatigue. But because I am terrible, I genuinely think this would be a fun way to implement the multiverse.

CANON ALASTORIA

CANON ALASTOR 2P

THINK IT OVER VIVIENNE!!!!!!

…And now to address a serious topic. MAN is this Wikipedia article bad: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haitian_Vodou_and_sexual_orientation 

Zora Neale Hurston was correct in identifying the Gede spirits with the Black peasantry of Haiti, but she was incorrect in describing Gede as the only lwa indigenous to Haiti, and assuming that he has no African counterpart. The name Gede is derived from “Gede”, a vodún from the Dahomean pantheon.

See: Herskovits, Melville Jean, and Frances Shapiro Herskovits. Dahomean narrative: a cross-cultural analysis. Vol. 1. Northwestern University Press, 1998, p. 124

https://archive.org/details/hersokovits-dahomean/page/n189/mode/2up?q=gede

The Gedevi were the original inhabitants of the Abomey plateau who were imperialized by the Aja-Fon kingdom of Dahomey. They became something akin to an “untouchable” class, subjugated at the bottom of the social hierarchy, and enslaved circa 1625-1724:

“The Gede reflect the abject in that their experience reflects the worst of the Dahomian conquest, capture, and sale; the Middle Passage; and the stigma and torture of Saint-Domingue. The Gede Rite is suited to the traumas of economic globalization, including the plight of boat people and disposable migrants, separation from family in diasporas, and the ordeals of sex work in the sexual economy.”

SOURCE: Hebblethwaite, Benjamin. A transatlantic history of Haitian Vodou: rasin figuier, rasin Bwa Kayiman, and the Rada and Gede Rites. Univ. Press of Mississippi, 2021.

In other words, the Gede are so closely associated with the oppressed race/class of Haiti, their history can be traced back to the original oppressed ethnic group from before the Transatlantic slave trade.  

It’s really fucked up that this category of spirits has been twisted by white people to fit into the international LGBT agenda. The Wikipedia article is a prime example of this. I’m saying this, as someone who is both queer and transgender. I already said this, but shit like this fuels animosity against the LGBT community. It doesn’t help but harms “the LGBT community” native to Haiti - which is not called that, but “La Communauté M”. 

I have previously misrepresented “LGBT inclusion” in Haitian Vodou. Normally when this subject comes up, it’s about the inclusion of white people, not Haitians themselves (see: Randy P. Conner). It’s fucked up! I have attempted to correct this by focusing my research on “La Communauté M” - not the white LGBT community - but it is possible misrepresentations are still present.

This is why you have to be very careful in attempting to work LGBT themes that involve Haitian Vodou. DON’T DO WHAT I DID!!! It is also why this concept still might be misguided. The best approach might be to eliminate these characters entirely.

Haitian Vodou - sacred to the Haitian people - has been appropriated to Hell and back, to the point that a bastardized version of it is frequently passed off as “New Orleans Voodoo”. Popular media influences what people do in the real world. Images from American Horror Story still pop up when you search Google for “Papa Legba”. Hazbin Hotel has fans of all races, but it still has a majority white audience. If the lwa are haphazardly put into this story, it could directly contribute to people appropriating and disrespecting the culture. 

The purpose of Baron de la Mort’s backstory is to deal with a mature subject matter - the historical factors that led to the current crisis in Haiti. Why is Haiti - the first nation to permanently ban slavery - on the brink of government collapse? It says a lot about the world at large, doesn’t it? This is something that could be addressed in a darker, more mature spin-off series (one that does necessarily have to be a cartoon). Even in a light-hearted series, this character could be used as part of a donation effort to Haiti and/or Haitian refugees. On the other hand, it might be a mistake to include this character at all. Unless you radically change his appearance, people are inevitably going to think he’s supposed to be Francois Duvalier… it’s just so easy to slip and make this guy offensive.

Another option is to replace ‘Baron de le Mort’ with a character inspired by Grand Zombi. Grand Zombi was associated with death (“Li grand Zombi qui fé muri”) and was one of the most important Spirits of Louisiana Voudou. The lyrics of a song sung for him went:

“L’appe vini, li grand Zombi, pou fé mouri, pou fé gri-gri!” 

SOURCE: Anderson, Jeffrey E.. Voodoo: An African American Religion. United States, LSU Press, 2024.

These are all factors to consider. 

(as a daily reminder, I am in fact crazy enough to think about “what if my ORIGINAL CHARACTER DO NOT STEALS were in the canon of Hazbin Hotel”... it’s just a really fun hypothetical, I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!)

[libertyreads]

Book Review #62 of 2023--

A Study in Drowning by Ava Reid. Rating: 3.75 stars.

Read from May 19th to 21st.

Before I get into the review I want to say a quick thank you to both NetGalley and the publishers over at Harper Collins for access to this ARC in exchange for an honest review. A Study in Drowning tells the story of Effy Sayre who has been haunted by visions of the Fairy King since childhood. She’s spent her whole life coping with these visions by reading a beloved author’s novel about a mortal girl who falls in love with the Fairy King and then destroys him. So when the author’s estate holds a contest for students at her architecture college to design the late author’s house she knows she has to enter. But Hiraeth Manor is a musty, decrepit estate on the brink of crumbling into the sea and it has its own secrets to tell. A Study in Drowning comes out on September 19th is available for preorder now.

Coming off reading The Fall of the House of Usher was probably the absolute best time for me to read this one. This is a twisted Mystery novel (with Fantastical elements) that is also Gothic in the truest sense of the word. The house is decrepit and falling apart while also possibly being haunted. And, just like the novel the main character loves, this book manages to cross multiple genres in a way that makes sense and makes you love it all the more for it. It managed to be haunting and atmospheric while also making the characters realistic and flawed. I think the thing that I enjoyed the most of the entire novel was the fact that this is a story about a girl who is trying to survive. She was dealt a crappy hand from day one and has always been a survivor. In the grittiest and ugliest sense of the word. She does horrible things and can treat people like shit all in the name of survival and it’s never glamorized which I loved. I also liked that it took a lot of the usual themes and plot points for darker romances and just smashed it to pieces. Basically giving the idea that those things aren’t romantic, they’re awful. There’s a line that a character says to another character (not the main character or her love interest) which is: ‘I will love you to ruination’ and all of the characters we follow basically have an ‘ew gross’ reaction. Which was great.

I will say that a detractor for me was how much the messaging is just constantly beating the reader over the head. I have no problems with the messages in this novel. It’s just constant. I’m a reader who has a lot of questions and a lot of mine went unanswered in this one in favor of spending more time on the overall message. It’s one of the few things took away from the story for me. I also felt like the first third of the novel was pretty slow. Especially given how the end of the novel is paced.  Overall, I would say it’s a fast paced, easy to read, Mystery/Horror novel that’s great for fans of Dark Academia and Haunted Houses.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 306: the beginning of the WHAT

Previously on BnHA: Nana and the Gang were all, “hey Deku, we can read your thoughts and feelings so we should already know the answer to this, but for some reason we want to quiz you on whether or not you’d be down to kill Shigaraki Tomura.” Deku was all, “um okay, well tbh, probably not seeing as Saving People has been my entire thing since literally the start of the series.” The Vestiges were all, “yes that makes perfect sense and again we already knew that, but well, good for you buddy and I’m glad we had this talk. Anyway I guess we should ask these two cryptic fuckers in the corner to finally turn around now before we run out of -- ” and then the chapter ended. Because OF COURSE IT DID.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, WOULDN’T IT BE SO MUCH BETTER IF I GAVE YOU A CONFUSING CHAPTER WHERE EVERYONE FINALLY LEARNS ABOUT OFA, AND GOES BACK TO THE DORMS, AND THEN THE CHAPTER ENDS WITH DEPRESSED NOMAD DEKU STANDING ON A PRECIPICE WITH GRAN TORINO’S TATTERED CAPE FLOWING IN THE WIND.” Everyone is all, “???????????” Horikoshi is all, “also the parents are moving to the U.A. campus, and Jeanist’s neck is two and a half feet long, for everyone that was wondering.” Everyone is all, “WHERE ARE KACCHAN AND TODOROKI AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHO ARE THE SECOND AND THIRD USERS”, and Horikoshi is all, “:)” and fades away into nothingness like the fucking fae he is. Like a fucking imp who’s kept his end of the cursed bargain. What, the, fuck.

okay guys, so after the longest Thursday of my fucking life, during which I was secretly hoping that my spoiler containment net would be somehow be breached, inadvertently exposing me to theta spoiler radiation, so that I could be all “oh no... spoilers... there’s nothing I can do... I have no choice but to look” (which sadly did not happen), it is finally Friday and the chapter is finally out. so I’ve got my clown kit at the ready and other self-deprecating memes on standby, and I’m ready to go. and I should note that I’m also ready for Horikoshi to pull some absolute bullshit and be like, “oh you know what, we haven’t checked in with Rat Principal in a while have we” and spend the entire chapter on nonsense like that. I’M READY FOR FUCKING ANYTHING so bring it

(ETA: it would be nice if this man wouldn’t call my bluff every now and again.)

oh, right, we were due a color page! wow look at this

isn’t this supposed to be the future?? what’s with all of these staticky CRT TVs

anyway, so! is this the first time we’ve seen Tomura’s stylish finger prosthetic glove thingy in color?? because I didn’t expect it to be red. also, at some point you just have to give in and change your pants into cutoffs or something, Tomura. start a new trend of stylish villain capris

meanwhile Deku is dressed like he’s going on a journey into the desert to find a mystical oasis. actually this cape looks a lot like Gran Torino’s. I have to go back and see if Gran’s is all raggedy like this

(ETA: it wasn’t before but APPARENTLY IT IS NOW. I also forgot that Horikoshi had showed it sitting on a side table in the hospital a few chapters ago.)

lastly, AFO looks like someone’s thumb after they’ve been washing dishes for twenty minutes. you are just the ugliest dude in history, and as always, fuck you

HAHAHA SOB I KNEW IT

oh, Twowy McTwoface is finally starting to turn around? better CUT BACK TO DEKU’S HOSPITAL ROOM THEN. wouldn’t want to accidentally ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS or SOLVE ANY MYSTERIES, god forbid

well, whatever. whatever!! anyway so now someone’s knocking at the door. I say “someone” but we all know it’s Hawks

yep

they were actually standing outside the door for a while hoping they’d overhear another juicy plot conversation, but no such luck this time

lmaooo Jeanist wtf

acting all embarrassed, but you’re really just as curious as Hawks is. making him do all the dirty work for you huh

ARE YOU SERIOUS THIS IS AN INJUSTICE

so like two seconds after Katsuki gets dragged away you open the door for the rest of them!! well, fine!! I really want it to be a more private/personal moment between the two of them anyway so let the other kids check in on Deku first then

and in the meantime, time to see Hawks put the thumbscrews to All Might’s resolve lol

I wonder how much of it Hawks has already put together in the last five minutes. One for All is something connected to All for One that Tomura seems to want. Tomura was apparently targeting Deku. that’s more than enough to make a few deductions right there. I wonder how much Hawks knows about Deku’s quirk. he did watch the sports festival, and he ran into the kids interning under Endeavor that one time

okay well maybe he hasn’t put the rest of it together just yet, but Hawks is making a pretty reasonable pitch here to All Might

also this is a pretty spectacular view. is this a hospital or a hotel??

AHLKJLKJLKJ ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO TELL THEM

OH MY GOD HE IS?!?!

JUST LIKE WE ALL EXPECTED, THE NEXT TWO PEOPLE TO LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT OFA ARE GOING TO BE HAWKS, AND BEST FUCKING JEANIST

-- LFKLKKLDK ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS. ARE YOU --

( •̀_•́ )

[sitting cross-legged on the ground pulling up little clumps of grass and letting them fall from my fingers one by one] yeah. sure. okay. fine. sure

-- OKAY, NO. NUH-UH. NO

everybody better hold tight cuz I’m about to pick up this whole chapter and yeet it into the ocean like a fucking frisbee lol

HORIKOSHI I DON’T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE SITTING HERE WATCHING TV WTF

-- OH

well okay then. proceed. though lord help me if they’re about to reveal the secret of OFA to the whole fucking world skdkj

oh snap

well, there it is. pretty much what I expected, but it’s good to actually get to see this moment with him taking responsibility

though at the same time, thank you Horikoshi for not forcing us to sit through the rest of that

their fucking faces omg. okay but seriously, what nation doesn’t secretly love a good scandal

the Endeavor Pamphlets, part two. thank you for giving the country something to opine about on twitter in these trying times, Enji

so now they’re asking about Hawks and Jeanist but I cannot even focus on anything all of a sudden because what?!

is Jeanist even a real actual human being you guys?! are we sure he’s not three kids sitting on each other’s shoulders?? are you related to that one guy with the really long neck from the Jedi Council?? are you Orochimaru, bro??

so now Hawks is apologizing for the murder of Twice, and for hiding the connection with his dad

the fact that he has to give this serious formal apology and beg forgiveness for the shameful crime of Having An Abusive Father is really something else, though. just. it’s realistic, but I still hate it

moving on now to the one thing he actually does owe the public an explanation for

not to go all “Hawks did nothing wrong” on you guys yet again, but seriously. 100% facts. fandom can (and no doubt will) debate this until the end of time, but if Twice had gotten away they wouldn’t be having this press conference right now because there wouldn’t be any heroes left to give one. anyways though, I’ve already said more than enough about that in previous posts

so now some severe-looking lady with the weirdest fingers I’ve ever seen is saying that her mother was injured during Machia’s rampage

and she’s basically all “a fuck lot of good ‘I’m sorry’ does us all about now.” true true

wow she’s really getting fired up

and now Enji is basically saying that he understands that an apology isn’t enough, and what they really need now are solutions. okay, well! SO THEN WHAT IS THE PLAN THEN

hmmfsdgh

this eloquent PEZ dispenser makes a good point you guys

wait, hold up

CERTAIN citizens?? um excuse me, what??

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit

holy shit. well, this will go over well

okay! so this tells me a number of things, though

basically the minute that Hawks learned about One for All, he realized that anyone connected to Deku (e.g. Inko) would be a target for AFO. AFO wants OFA, meaning AFO wants Deku, and one of the easiest ways to get to Deku would be to target his family

Hawks therefore realized that Inko needed to be placed into protective custody

but the fact that ALL of the hero course students’ families (and is it only the U.A. hero course, or all of the hero course students across the country?) are being given protection tells me that Hawks and co. don’t want to single Deku out as being important. so then it looks like they’re not going to tell everyone about OFA (or at least not the public. which, good). so rather than drawing suspicion by saying “we’ve got to protect everyone connected with this one kid”, they’re making it seem like all the U.A. kids’ families are getting this treatment

but since the heroes are now spread so thin, they can’t just send a protective detail to each and every family, so they’re bringing all of the families to the same place instead to better keep an eye on them

so that’s all well and good, and a very smart move. except that idk how all of this is going to go over with the general public, all of whom are probably feeling unsafe at the moment, and who will probably see this as preferential treatment -- basically just the heroes looking after their own and leaving everyone else to fend for themselves

(ETA: okay so @hanashimas​’ translation clarifies that U.A. is offering their services as an evacuation shelter for everyone who wants it, not just the families of the U.A. students. that’s much more appropriate so I withdraw my previous “wtf” reaction lol.)

anyway though here’s Mitsuki and Inko

can we take this as confirmation that the two of them really are friends? that’s one piece of fanon that I’ve always hoped was true, so I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s confirmed

(ETA: also this means that Hagakure’s parents (or maybe “parents” in quotation marks) will supposedly be moving in as well. sure am curious as to how that’s going to go.)

now someone in the press crowd is asking whether U.A. can provide adequate security, which is honestly the LAST thing I expected these people would be outraged about lol. shows what I know I guess

(ETA: again though, this makes sense if the “certain civilians” thing was just a translation error.)

LMAO DAMMIT ENJI

YOU CAN’T JUST ALWAYS PULL THE “JUST WATCH ME” TRICK AND EXPECT IT TO SHUT DOWN THE CONVERSATION EVERY DAMN TIME YOU ASSHOLE

-- OH MY GOD RED ALERT

TIME TO ANALYZE THIS BECAUSE OMG

WASH CAN’T BELIEVE HIS FAMILY GROUP CHAT IS STILL SENDING HIM FUCKING MEMES AT A TIME LIKE THIS. HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK IF THE DABI DANCE IS TRENDING ON TIKTOK, MOM!!

FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT MT. LADY WAS HOLDING MIDNIGHT’S TORN-UP MASK, AND BY THE TIME I REALIZED THAT’S ACTUALLY HER MASK AND NOT MIDNIGHT’S, I HAD ALREADY CONSTRUCTED AN ELABORATE HEADCANON IN WHICH MT. LADY AND MIDNIGHT WERE SECRETLY DATING BUT HADN’T COME OUT TO ANYONE YET, AND THEN TRAGEDY STRUCK, AND NOW MT. LADY IS GETTING READY TO SET OUT TO SEEK VENGEANCE. AND WELL, NOW THAT THIS HEADCANON EXISTS IN THE WORLD, I’M NOT SURE IF I’M READY TO GET RID OF IT

MIRKO HAS GOTTEN HERSELF A PROSTHETIC (ROBOT??!) ARM, NOTHING ELSE THAT’S HAPPENING IN THIS CHAPTER IS EVEN SLIGHTLY IMPORTANT!!! HELLO!!!!!

AIZAWA WITH THE EYEPATCH GOOD LORD. THE WORLD ISN’T READY. HE LOOKS LIKE HE HASN’T SLEPT IN NINETY-EIGHT YEARS, BUT SOMEHOW HE MAKES IT INTO THE HOTTEST THING EVER AS PER USUAL

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING GUY. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW HIM? IS THIS KAMUI?? WAS THAT THING WHICH I ALWAYS ASSUMED WAS HIS HAIR ACTUALLY A HELMET OR SOMETHING WHAT

LOL AND MEANWHILE

you tell me, Dabi! weren’t you the one who said that wouldn’t be enough to kill him? what even is your endgame here. I’m starting to worry about the villain brain cell supply you guys. I feel like Compress took most of them with him when he left

OH??

“when asked about One for All, Endeavor fucking lied through his teeth.” well, well, well

SLKDFJLSKGDJLKLKGJL THE DORMS

( ⁰ ⌂ ⁰ )

SLDKJFLKJWLKJLK

WLKDJSLKJFWKELKSDJLKHGLK

HDSMFLKGKL:GDSELK

OCHAKO’S HAND IS SHAKING OH MY GOD

THERE’S YOUR KAMINARI, EVERYONE!!

RHA’S SCANLATION TEAM REALLY THREW DEKU’S HANDWRITING UNDER THE BUS HERE HUH

HE TOLD EVERYONE!?

WHY THE FUCK IS HE WRITING IT AS A LETTER

(ETA: 9. also if he really wrote every kid in his class then that means the U.A. traitor -- or Hagakure as we like to call her around these parts -- also knows about OFA, and knows that Deku has run the fuck off and isn’t at U.A. anymore. so that’s just great!)

OH HELL NO

the hell does that mean, you must leave. leave to go where. son you are not up and leaving to go power up and lead us all into a timeskip. and I swear to GOD, if you left Kacchan too...!!

MY GOD I CAN’T PROPERLY ABSORB ALL OF THESE OCHAKO FEELS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I’M TOO TERRIFIED TO SCROLL TO THE LAST FUCKING PAGE, FUCK

I JUST GOTTA DO IT. I JUST GOTTA SUCK IT UP AND DO IT. FUCK

FUCK

WHAT. THE. FUCK

y’all I’m not even gonna waste your time with more keysmashing, JUST ASSUME THAT I AM DOING IT NONSTOP, FOREVER. and let’s just jump RIGHT IN HERE

okay so here I thought that All Might and co. had taken him away somewhere to train, but that is CLEARLY not what’s going on here. this kid is standing here in his Apocalypse Aesthetic hero costume which has CLEARLY seen better days, with Gran Torino’s cloak (GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THAT, THEN?? SO DID GRAN FUCKING DIE EXCUSE ME WTF), and a fucking backpack. this little green idiot has RUN AWAY FROM HOME. this is the absolute LAST THING ON EARTH I ever expected to happen so PARDON ME WHILE I SCREAM CONFUSEDLY INTO THE VOID

he does not look okay. you guys he doesn’t look okay at ALL. he has NEVER looked like this. this isn’t just a “I’m sad because I’m leaving all my friends behind” kind of look on his face, or even just a “Gran Torino died maybe and I’m still having emotions over it” look. this is an EXHAUSTED, dead look in his eyes. something terrible has happened

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARMS DEKU. THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING DOWN WITH YOUR ARMS GODDAMMIT

love how this random building is just straight up collapsing, like that’s just a normal thing that happens every day now. lovely

APRIL MEANS IT’S NOW FULL ON SCHEDULED ALL-MIGHT-DYING-HOURS, BUT LET’S COMPLETELY IGNORE THAT THOUGH BECAUSE FUCK THAT NOISE

“THE SECOND USER? WHO KNOWS? CERTAINLY NOT ME” HORIKOSHI I SWEAR TO GOD

“BAKUGOU? NEVER HEARD OF HIM!” HORIKOSHI PLEASE

WHERE. IS. KACCHAN

did he go with Deku?? did he get a chance to talk to him before he left?? did he get his own private letter which he read and then promptly blew up in a fit of panicked rage?? is he going to go after him?? DOES HORIKOSHI KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING TO ME RIGHT NOW?? OF COURSE HE DOES, DON’T BOTHER ANSWERING THAT

omg. though actually the fact that we’ve already jumped a few weeks forward makes me hopeful that there won’t actually be another timeskip, or at least not much of one. I’m sure that’ll be the big debate of the week, but I don’t think we can jump too far forward here. for starters because of that All Might prophecy I mentioned. and also because TomurAFO isn’t just going to wait around for months. and also because I’m 100% sure that Deku’s running-away backpack is just filled ENTIRELY WITH NOTEBOOKS and this asshole cannot possibly survive more than 3 days on his own. UNLESS SOMEONE COMES TO HELP HIM THAT IS. OR SOMEONES, EVEN. OMG. omg omg omg. fuck this chapter lmao

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

The Cult Girl (Hannibal x Female!Reader) pt. 7

Sorry this took so long y'all. This chapter was difficult to write. Hannibal invites Theresa for dinner and y/n finally confronts her.

Trigger warning: mentions of suicide, child sex abuse; graphic descriptions of violence; confronting an abuser; body-shaming

The stitches in your cut hadn't even dissolved before Theresa intruded on your life again. Before you stormed out, Hannibal did in fact invite her to dinner. Polite society would rule the invitation null and void after that confrontation, but Theresa felt herself exempt from the laws of politeness. Like Evangelicals or craisins, Theresa loved to insert herself where she was clearly not wanted.

Of course, you were peeved at Hannibal for upholding the invitation when she called. But you could tell he had something planned. He was intrigued by her audacity and wanted to see how far it would take her. You couldn't begrudge him professional curiosity, as you too wondered what the fuck her problem was.

In truth, you saw what he did to your grandma, and you wanted to see him do it to Theresa. You wanted her subject to the same psychological torment that she put you through. And that, you realized, was why he honored that invitation. He wanted to vindicate you. And that was the sexiest damn thing you could possibly imagine.

Theresa showed up alone. That was her first mistake.

"Thank you for having me, Dr. Lecter." Theresa greeted, shedding her long coat and dropping it to the ground. "Will [F/N] be joining us?"

"[F/N] will most certainly be joining us." Hannibal said, his voice hardening. He noticed her coat in a pile on the floor and something in his head clicked.

"I hope I'm not overdressed." Theresa tossed her hair over her shoulders. 

She was. And you knew even before she showed up that she'd wear that green evening dress with the plunging neckline. It was the same one she wore to prom. She kept it as a memento all these years to memorialize the day she completely fucked you over. 

She was here to make history repeat itself. 

"Not all, Ms. [L/N]," Hannibal grinned, glancing at the staircase. "[F/N] is just touching up her makeup.”

“That sounds like [F/N].” Theresa laughed. “She always took the most time getting ready in the morning. And she was always the ugliest. It was quite sad, really.”  

Hannibal reminded himself what he had in store for Theresa before letting himself get angry. “If you could join me in the kitchen, I could use a little help with the appetizers.” 

Theresa took the bait and followed him through the threshold into the massive kitchen. 

“Could I trouble you for some psychological advice, Doctor Lecter?” She said, leaning against the island.

“That depends.” He answered, though the tone of his voice connoted a firm ‘no’. “Are you going to be honest with me?” 

Theresa mounted herself on top of the island and crossed her legs. “I’ve just been having quite a bit of trouble in my marriage.”

"Please get off my counter." Hannibal politely demanded. "I just sterilized it this morning."

“My husband just isn’t so excited by me anymore.” She pouted like a child. “He just doesn’t seem interested in... well, any of the things I have to offer him.” 

“Have you considered the possibility that you have nothing to offer?” You said. You approached them with purpose, the skirt of your purple dress fluttering behind you. Your favorite pair of strappy heels clacked against the tile and echoed through the room with every step. 

“[F/N] makes a valid point.” Hannibal agreed, taking you under his arm. “You’re an abusive narcissist, a serial adulterer, and you’re quite horrible at flirting. I certainly don’t understand what you could possibly have to offer.” 

“Nice to see you again, [F/N].” Theresa said, resigned to her defeat. “I didn’t want to say anything at the wedding, but you look like you’ve gained a few pounds.” 

You almost laughed. Growing up, Grandma had subjected you to every form of body-shaming known to man. Nothing Theresa could say would have any effect on you. 

“Really? Because I’ve never felt better in my life.” You smiled, knowing it to be true. “Hannibal is an amazing cook. You’d probably gain weight too if you were eating so well.” 

"Well, I have appearances to keep up." She refuted. "Gideon and I both have very busy schedules. Besides, he finds the kitchen more of a woman's domain."

"Unfortunate for you." Hannibal threw a dish towel over his shoulder and picked up a wine bottle by the neck. He kept his hands busy by pouring three glasses of wine. "That Gideon does not put in the time to keep you well-fed and fulfilled. Might I suggest not molesting children as a remedy?"

You snickered as he handed you a glass. You migrated to the dining table, where the trial was set to take place.

"Did you invite me here just to gang up on me?" Theresa leaned back in her chair. "Because if so, that's really mature."

"Of course not." You said, Hannibal pulling your chair out for you. You placed your napkin in your lap. "Well, maybe a little."

Theresa took a long sip of wine. "You're not going to get an apology if that's what you're after."

"Oh no." You shook your head. "I've stopped expecting basic human decency from you years ago."

"Good." Theresa huffed. "Since that's clearly what you want me to be, that's what I'll be."

"Don't give me that shit." You sighed. "I know what gaslighting is and you're not as good at it as you think."

"Y'know I never asked to be a parent figure to you and Anna." She crossed her arms.

"You may not have asked for it but you sure as hell enjoyed it." You countered, furrowing your brow. "Don't act like you weren't the dictator's right-hand man. You sucked up to grandma and always got preferential treatment."

"I was a kid." She shrugged. "You're really gonna blame me for the shit I did before my skull fully hardened?"

"Well, it exposes a way larger pattern of behavior." You explained. "You're a megalomaniac that wants power without responsibility. So you attach yourself to someone with power, probably another narcissist who's too self-involved to see what a leech you really are. It's what you did with grandma and it's what you're doing with Gideon."

Dressing Theresa down like that gave you a rush. It made you feel alive. But more importantly, it made her look small. It stripped her of her power.

"Well done, Sherlock." Theresa taunted. "But you're forgetting one thing. If I were a megalomaniac, why would I waste my time beating up on you? Some nobody with no power to speak of?"

"Because I'm a living reminder of your past." You narrowed your eyes. "I remind you that you can't just beat everyone into submission."

"Ladies," Hannibal interrupted, holding three bowls. He placed one in front of you, the savory broth enticing your nose. "This is pot-au-feu. It is a simple French stew made from beef, vegetables and potatoes. I added a marrow-bone for extra richness. It's the perfect combination of simplicity and substance."

You couldn't even wait for Hannibal to sit down. You'd been so hungry all day. Smelling the meat slowly braise over the course of the day was torturous. You went straight for the marrow, which was a recent favorite of yours.

Theresa picked the bone up between two fingers and dropped it onto the table, her face wrapped with disgust. "I think I'll pass. I'm not a dog."

"You are not." Hannibal said, spearing a piece of meat on his fork. "I find dogs much better company."

Theresa tented her fingers and glared at Hannibal. "So you're just going to let her rip into me? Aren't you supposed to be the professional here?"

"Don't discount [F/N]'s analysis just because she is a student." Hannibal glared back at her. "From what I know about you, she's dead on."

"Isn't this entire interaction a professional conflict of interest?" Theresa folded her arms. "I don't trust her to analyze me because she hates me."

Hannibal put his utensils down. Anger flashed across his face. "I don't think you quite understand what this interaction is. You are not owed an unbiased psychological profile, especially not from me. You are not my patient. You are [F/N]'s abuser."

Theresa narrowed her eyes and leaned over the table. "So if you understand that, why am I here?"

"You think very highly of your intelligence, Theresa." Hannibal glanced down at his dish. "Perhaps you can figure that one out yourself."

You coughed, narrowly avoiding choking on your food.

"Darling, please pace yourself." Hannibal instructed, though he seemed pleased with how enthusiastically you inhaled your meal. "You're going to make yourself sick if you eat too fast."

"I'm sorry." You said after taking a long sip of water. "I don't know why, I'm just so hungry today."

Hannibal dropped his eyebrows, looking worried. "Did you take your medicine this morning?"

"I think so." You nodded.

Theresa smiled and reached for her phone. The movement caught Hannibal's attention, and he could tell what she was up to right away.

"Theresa, it's very rude to text at the dinner table." He scolded, taking a sip of wine. "Surely, anything you're saying to your grandmother and Anna, you can say to us."

Theresa, too proud to back down, slipped her phone into her purse and met your eyes. "You're pregnant."

"Brilliant fucking deductive reasoning." You rolled your eyes. "A woman gains a little weight and has a healthy appetite? That's the only logical conclusion I would draw."

"Well, aren’t we defensive?" Theresa taunted. "Congratulations, by the way."

"Theresa, stop it." You gritted your teeth, trying not to convey how pissed you were.

"You're going to need to drop out of school to take care of the baby full time." Theresa sneered.

You knew exactly where she was taking this and you wanted more than anything to just disappear. You reached for the wine bottle and refilled your glass. "Shut up, Theresa. Shut the fuck up before you say something you'll regret."

Her face lit up from the satisfaction of finally making you angry. "And someday you'll blow your brains out just like your mother!"

This time, she would regret it. You chucked the empty wine bottle across the table. It hit her directly in the face with a deafening crunch before ricocheting off the table and shattering on the ground.

Theresa brought her finger to her nose, noticing the stream of blood trickling from her nostril. She stood up, stabilizing herself with the back of the chair.

"I didn't think you had it in you." She jabbed before collapsing to the ground.

You went silent, too afraid to look at Hannibal.

"For what it's worth, darling." Hannibal piped up. "I always knew that you did."

[sonofthesaiyans]

The Most WORTHLESS Attack on Titan Characters.....

These are the guys who had no business being major characters or had outstayed their welcome and relevance. 

Let’s start with the obvious first; 

Gabi; Steals Sasha’s place in the story and after an incredibly forced “redemption arc” ends up as by far the most useless alliance member. She is also partially responsible for Eren’s success in triggering the Rumbling. 

Kiyomi Azumabito; her informed relationship with Mikasa never actually becomes a relevant plot point, nor does Hizuru on a larger scale. Literally the only thing of lasting significance she does is provide them a seaplane, something that arguably didn’t require her specifically in order to happen. 

Yelena; she literally vanishes in the final five or six chapters of the manga after she is revealed to be nothing more than a glory hound. As such, her fandom might as well be worshipping a piece of wood with a face drawn on it. She also gave us one the UGLIEST shots in the entire manga/anime. 

Pieck; has absolutely no backstory or plot whatsoever and is given a personality far too late in the story despite already being present during the events of season three. If it weren’t for her appearance, I doubt the fandom would give a rat’s ass about her. Also not helping her case is that she happens to resemble an older version of Gabi. Uselessness is apparently hereditary. 

Connie; absolutely no backstory or plot whatsoever. By far the least intriguing member of the original 104th. And on his own without Sasha, his more comedic moments are outright cringe. Absolutely no valid reason for his survival in the end. 

Louise; Nobody talks about Mikasa’s most overzealous fangirl. Even less so after the debut of MAPPA’s adaptation of the series. It doesn’t sound like anybody mourns much for Louise. Probably because we never had much reason to give a shit about her or to sympathize with her. If the series doesn’t care enough to confirm if she lives or dies, why even keep her in the first place? 

Armin; let me make it simple for you guys. ERWIN SHOULD’VE INHERITED THE COLOSSAL TITAN. Any objections? 

Porco; he replaced the infinitely more compelling and interesting Ymir and essentially has no backstory or plot at all. Plus his motivations for besting Reiner as a warrior are pathetic. Just another member of this world’s Nazi Youth, and he’s better off dead for it. Too bad the damage was done. 

Reiner; Became progressively less relevant in the timeskip, and his supposed split personality is gradually forgotten about. There’s no real valid reason for his survival in this story. 

Bertolt; no backstory or plot whatsoever. By far the least developed and least interesting of the Warrior Trio. And he has the motherfucking Colossal Titan in his possession. His Titan honestly had more personality than he ever did. He seems to have become a fading memory in this fandom, and for good reason. I have to remind myself that yeah, this dumbass douche existed. 

Annie; When it takes you almost a decade to have any part in the story again despite being alive, then that only confirms to me that not even the cunt who wrote this manga knew what to do with Annie. There’s literally no valid reason for why she came back, her plot was not much to invest in by that point. And years of potential character growth were pushed to the wayside for that entire time spent in crystal. Should’ve given her Titan to Hange or Sasha or even Historia. Would’ve been more interesting than wondering if this bitch was ever gonna reappear. To the fans who held out for her........WHY? 

Willy Tybur; WAIT........The leader of the Marley is an Eldian? Apparently even Isayama didn’t consider that an interesting enough plot to explore either! So yeah, fuck him. 

Lara Tybur; Fuck me, a Titan shifter with less appeal than Porco. She has the fucking War Hammer Titan and is offed like a little bitch criminally early. And we never do see that Titan again. I don’t see anybody who mourns for this footnote in Titan history. 

Kenny Ackerman; Sit down and be quiet, Kenny fans! Better yet explain to me how THIS GUY factors into the main plot at all? I didn’t waste my time with the Uprising Arc but in all honesty, how is he a relevant player in this story? There’s being a badass, and then there’s being RELEVANT. One Mikasa Ackerman can attest to that. There’s only room for one Ackerman here, and thy name is LEVI. 

Theo Magath; A character so uninteresting that I literally had to remind myself that yet, he existed. But he certainly didn’t serve much of a purpose in doing so. He’s not even worth my energy in hating him. So yeah, Theo Magath, people. I’ll forget who he is again by morning. 

Farmer-Kun; No face, no name, NO POINT! Does anybody give a fuck about this character? Supposedly the husband of Historia, you know the girl who was in love with another girl named Ymir and seems significantly less happy in this prick’s company? Should’ve named him Farmer-Cunt because when they don’t even give you a face, you aren’t worth the light of day. Man, too bad we couldn’t hide Garbage Braun’s face in permanent shadow. 

Niccolo: Once again, I had to remind myself that this idiot existed. Any relevance he had was destroyed without Sasha, the girl he supposedly loved and was never explicitly confirmed to have actually dated. He’s nothing more than a plot device for Gabi, a character so forced they needed to invent a boyfriend for Sasha to further herself along. And that’s where his relevance ceases to exist. One flashback does NOT EQUATE to a fucking relationship! 

Have you Gabi fans stopped to realize that maybe she’s just a crap character and that you should’ve put your investment elsewhere? I don’t know why Isayama put so much investment in her. She’s the only reason this dipshit showed up. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boy the Marleyan characters did NOT age well in this series. And nor does season four and the timeskip that serves as its base. Sad that people are actively wasting their time on this kind of cast. 

Also that’s a whopping ten out of seventeen characters who only exist because of season four. Ten out of seventeen.

This story ended with the Ocean. 

[mrs-harkness]

Ocean Eyes (Part 1)

Pairing: Tammy x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.6K

Taglist: @peggycarter-steverogers @imgayandmymomdoesntknow 

A/n: Hey guys. Sorry for the wait. Life has been so busy as I just became a certified therapist and just life stuff in general. This is just going to be a mini fic for fun while I work on writing my next big one- which will be for Cordelia! Literally nothing like Run to Me, so I hope you don’t find it disappointing. Just a little filler while I work out the plot for my next story!

You pulled out your phone, checking the time. 1:53 PM. Your interview was at 2 o'clock and if you didn't figure out where you were quickly, you were going to be late. You walked faster, panic dialing your best friend who had gotten you the interview.

"Hello?" the sweet voice chimed on the other end.

"Sarah! Help! I'm lost," you pleaded, looking at the address on the piece of paper in your hand and trying to match it to the towering houses around you.

"How did you get lost? I gave you the exact address. Did the driver put it in wrong?"

"No. I made the Uber drop me off at the entrance to the neighborhood because his car looked super sketch and I didn't want the mom to see me step out of a car that looks like it was used in a 70's porn film. I started walking and I got lost."

You heard Sarah shuffling around in the background, and what sounded like the tapping of keys.

"Okay, give me the address for the closest house," she said. Your best friend was a life saver.

"Uhhh... 768 Elm Street," you told her, trying not to look suspicious in this wealthy neighborhood.

"Hmmm. Okay you're literally two streets over. If you go to the end of this street, take a right and walk less than two blocks. You'll make it to maple from there. You somehow managed to be right behind her house. It will take you about ten minutes."

Shit.

"No! There has got to be a quicker way! I am going to be late!" You whined, stomping your feet on the sidewalk in frustration.

"Yeah, Tammy is not going to like that. She is very patient but she's got three kids so she really only has enough patience for them. Well wait, hang on a second."

"What? Did you find a quicker route?"

"Sorta. You should have just stayed in the Uber."

"Sarah I did not want to pull up like Will Smith from the Fresh Prince of Belaire, now spit it out already!"

"Well that house you are standing in front of? Technically if you could find a way into their backyard and through the trees... you could get to Tammy's house in half the time."

You looked at the house in front of you. It looked more like a post office than a home. Large marble columns, real gas lamps framing a shiny oak door, and a second floor balcony that seemed larger than Sarah's whole apartment. This is not the type of property you just meandered around on, but this job was also not the type of opportunity you just let slip away by being two minutes late.

You walked a little to the side of the house, and there you found your favorite thing of the whole house: A gate to the backyard.

"I'm gonna do it," you say to Sarah, who had been quiet this entire time.

There was more silence, before you heard your best friend draw in a breath.

"Don't get arrested please. Call me when you're done, or in lock up. Either way, be safe."

Sarah had always been someone who just supported and loved you no matter what. Whether it was moving on a whim to another city and crashing on her couch indefinitely or trespassing through a rich family's yard to get the job that would help you get started on your dreams. She was that type of friend and you loved her for it.

You didn't even say goodbye as you hung up and checked the time again. 1:55 PM mocked you on the screen. You shoved the phone in your pocket before quickly looking around. No one was out and about thankfully probably due to the heat picking up, so you walked briskly over to the gate.

You said a prayer and begged the universe to be kind to you under your breath as you forced yourself to find the courage and flung open the lock to the gate, letting it swing open. You looked around the yard really quickly to find it empty as well. Maybe this wouldn't be hard at all.

You closed the gate behind you and you quickly jogged into the yard. There was a picnic table close to the other side of the fence and you would be able to hop right over! You breathed a sigh of relief because everything was going to plan, until the dog.

A ear piecing yap began sounding through the yard like an obnoxious security alarm. You turned and saw that the back of the home was basically one big window and there inside was the ugliest looking purse dog you had ever seen, notifying every living creature with working ears within a mile of your presence.

You watched horrified as the owner of said ugly dog appeared in the view of the window like some horror movie on a tv screen. An older woman, dressed as if she had been in the middle of a workout, was also now yapping at you angrily and  making her way to her giant window wall.

Your feet started moving before you realized what was happening and you bolted to the back of the yard and onto the picnic table, jumping and throwing one of your legs over the fence. The little old woman made it to a sliding glass door, releasing her dog and profanities towards you.

The dog tore across the lawn, but thankfully was no actual threat. You looked at the woman as you threw your other leg over the fence.

"I'm not a criminal! I'm sorry! I just got lost on the way to a job interview. You have a nice home!" you yelled, trying to prove to this stranger you were not bad, just had poor execution of your ideas. You dropped over the other side of the fence and into the wooded area behind the home, running as fast as your feet could carry you from the angry woman and her angrier dog.

It only took you about a minute of running full force to make it to another fence, a fence you were praying was Tammy's. You ran around the length of it, following it to the front of the house. You shakily pulled out the paper from your pocket and checked the address. You had made it. This was the house. You laughed, more relieved than anything, and jogged to the front door.

You knocked and weren't even able to take a full breath before the door opened.

There before you stood the most beautiful woman you had ever laid your eyes on. Her hair was the color of sand on the beaches of heaven its self and her eyes looked like brownies fresh from the over, and you had the strange thought of wanting to burn your mouth on them.

Y/n, that's weird. Stop it.

You stared at her, trying not to look to heavily at her gorgeous smile at the fear she may think you were looking at her lips. Even though you kind of were. You forced yourself to smile back.

"You must be Y/n," she said, looking at her watch, "and you are right on time. Let it be known I find that super attractive."

You chuckle nervously, unable to process a coherent thought. You really just hoped she couldn't tell you had just ran through the woods to stand stupid on her doorstep. Thankfully it didn't seem like she did and stepped aside, letting you in.

The home was gorgeous and lavish, but also homey and seemed lived in. You could hear the distant laughter of children somewhere in the house and portraits of what you could only assume were those children hung on the walls. You did notice though that there was a lack of family portraits probably due to the husband no longer being in the picture.

Sarah had filled you in a little bit about the family situation. She had worked with them over the summer and was working for them when they filed for divorce. Supposedly neither of them seemed upset by it, but he had still decided to move into another town. Tammy supposedly worked a very busy job and with three rambunctious kids, help was needed. Sarah had helped them occasionally, but Tammy needed something more permanent and hopefully that's where you would come in.

You followed Tammy into a big open kitchen and sat down with her at the kitchen table.

"Can I offer you some tea or water?" she said sweetly.

Even though you were parched from the mini marathon you had just ran, you politely declined. You pulled your resume out of your bag and put it on the table. Tammy reached over and took it, looking at it before smiling back up at you.

"I know Sarah said you had just moved here, so what brought you to town?" Tammy asked.

You hoped the look of confusion was not obvious on your face because you were expecting only questions about the job. You were unsure how useful you would be talking about yourself right now.

"Uh, well I came to town for a fresh start, and with Sarah here, it just seemed like the best place to restart."

"Running from something?" Tammy asked, putting down the resume and taking a sip of something in a mug that had been sitting on the table.

"N-no ma'am. Nothing illegal. I am not a criminal. I told the old lady the same thing," you stuttered.

Tammy raised her eyebrow at the last part, but you kept going to breeze over it hopefully.

"I just- I got my heartbroken and got kicked out of the apartment we shared. I didn't feel like I was making anything of my life where I was and I have such big dreams, but all I found there was pain and complacency, so I came here in hope to change that."

You voice sounded small and you ringed your hands in your lap, nervous that you may have said too much. Tammy's face softened even more somehow though and she smiled at you over the edge of her mug. She stared at you for a moment, her eyes seeming to sparkle. She nodded and looked down at your resume again.

"Well, you certainly have quite an impressive track record here. You seem like a kid expert. And because I already did a background check on you, I feel comfortable saying, if you would like the job its yours."

You sat there at the table, now not trying to hide the stunned look on your face. You had a harder time getting over the fence than getting employed by this woman.

"That's it? You don't need to ask me anything else? You're giving me the job?" you ask, stumbling over your words.

Tammy laughs and it feels like butterflies flutter in your belly. You like to make her laugh, but you aren't sure if she think's you're funny or stupid.

"With my life and my job, Y/n, the thing that is most important to me is being able to trust you. With my kids, my day to day life, and if I need your help with something. Trust and honesty go a long way with me, and you proved that with one question," she said, coming over to you with a glass of water.

You took it with a smile, forcing yourself to take a slow slip.

"Well, you can definitely trust me. And I'd be honored to by your nanny," you say, excitement and nervousness flowering inside your chest.

Tammy smiles sweetly at you.

"Consider yourself part of the family Y/n. Now you do know this is a live in position right? Sarah told you that?"

You nodded, that having been one of the main reasons you wanted the job. As much as you loved Sarah, you did not love sleeping on her couch. Being a live in nanny presented its own set of challenges, but it wouldn't be forever.

"Good. Can you move in today?"

You choked on your water, coughing and spitting it all over your shirt. Tammy laughed at you, and your cheeks burned red. Now you were embarrassed and Tammy sensed that.

"I'm sorry Y/n, I didn't mean to shock you. I just really need your help around here as soon as possible. And it would be better if you just came on in and got to know me and the kids since you're going to be a big part of our lives."

She handed you a paper towel, looking down at you with a comforting expression. Your cheeks burned red again, but not from embarrassment. You looked away and cleared your throat, unsure why you were so flustered.

"Sure. Yeah, no problem. I just need to run home and grab my clothes and things, but I don't have any furniture so-"

"Oh don't worry. You'll have the whole attic. Its renovated and fully furnished and you'll have your own bathroom. You don't need to worry about buying anything."

That was a relief. It would have taken you a while to afford those things.

You got up and walked with Tammy to the front door, her opening it for you.

"Thank you Ms. Tammy for hiring me, you will not regret it. I will take good care of your kids and make your life as easy as I possibly can," you say, brushing a piece of hair behind your ear, attempting to look confident and wanting to ensure Tammy she had made the right choice.

She chuckled again, putting a little hole in that confidence, but it was quickly repaired when she wrapped her arms around you. It shocked you and you stood there, frozen for a second before hugging her back.

"I know you will. You're going to be a wonderful addition to our lives, all of our lives," she said. Her voice had a hint of something in it, making it seem like silk, but then you felt her pulling on your hair a bit and you felt like your legs may fall out from under you. Who was this woman?

Before you could assume anything further though, she pulled back and revealed she had taken a small branch with green leaves from your hair. You laughed nervously. Tammy cocked an eyebrow at you and smiled cheekily, holding it up.

"That is a funny story... I can explain that. I promise I bathe."

It was Tammy who laughed this time thankfully. She nodded and played with the branch in between her long, manicured fingers.

"That's alright. You can tell me about it tonight over drinks once you are home. I'd like to get to know you better while we get you settled."

Something about the way she said it made your breath catch in your throat. She smiled at you and you two said your goodbyes. You would text her when you were on the way back home. How strange that felt.

You sat in a much cleaner Uber on the way back to Sarah's, your head pressed against the glass. You couldn't stop thinking about Tammy and it seemed like you also couldn't wipe the smile from your face either. It seemed almost like a dream.

Just then, your phone buzzed and you were pulled from the thoughts of the woman to see that her name was on your screen. You quickly held the phone up to unlock it, suddenly overcome with the need of answering her at a moments notice. Thankfully it was not a message of her changing her mind.

Btw, just call me Tammy. Ms. Tammy is a little formal ;)

You smiled and bit your lip, quickly responding.

Okay, Tammy :)

[mylordshesacactus]

The Friday of September that was Yesterday or Tomorrow?

most self-indulgent fic you have ever posted?

SPEAKING OF BELLWETHER.

share a comment or review which still warms your heart?

To this day, the commenter who freaked out (in a good way) upon receiving explicit in-fic confirmation that Esther Hasdai (the Aussie science officer from me and @alexkablob’s currently-on-hiatus original Star Trek series Star Trek: Challenger) is Jewish. And like, not the trope where it only ever comes up in order to mention that they don’t celebrate Christmas. 

It just....felt really nice to give someone the “OH MY GOD SHE’S LIKE ME” Representation Moment TM, even if it was only in a star trek fic.

I’ve...also gotten a handful of “reading this during a rough mental health period saved my life” on a few older pieces of writing--the Carpathia post, more recently, but also this one-off piece I wrote in high school for a friend. “Heartwarming” is the wrong term for comments like that. Humbling, I suppose. Mostly unspeakably grateful. There’s so MUCH of the internet, and everything moves so fast, that the odds of anything I create being in the right place at the right time to catch someone just as they’re falling are nothing short of miraculous.

favourite way to write angst?

I tend to focus on a small character moment. Fics that are entirely angsting about like....a character’s whole life? That doesn’t do anything for me. If anything it courts apathy. I try to zoom in and focus on one thing. Like...take chapter one of Priority. I can’t angst about Jack’s entire life, that’s entirely too fucking much. So, pick one thing--the angst is entirely centered around the fact that of all the shit she’s seen, everything she’s been through, Jack has recurring nightmares about Cerberus getting their hands on her students. That’s what haunts her, that’s what makes her wake up screaming.

And that says a lot.

favourite ways to write fluff?

ALSO zooming in on character moments! This one is obviously more obvious and, like....easier.

But seriously. I aim small. I don’t want to write a fic about two characters having a lovely all-day date and frankly I don’t want to read that either....but I absolutely want to write, and read, a fic that’s entirely a warm conversation over dinner. Or ridiculous hijinks trying to get a cotton-candy machine to work. Or trying to order lunch in the middle of a road trip in the ugliest minibus on what’s left of the planet Earth.

I also like to have the fluff playing opposite angst. The sweetness works better if there’s....a dip in the middle, a moment of pensiveness or grief or solemnity, because then you get to show the characters helping one another pull back out of that moment.

[come-on-shitty-boys]

// fatherhood headcannons //

Characters: Kozume Kenma / Akaashi Keiji / Oikawa Tooru

Request: Heyyy merry xmas (if you celebrate it) can I request kenma fatherhood hcs I saw you other ones before and it was so cute (and maybe him having a daughter )

Warnings: some swearing

Word Count: 1.8K (~550 a piece)

Notes: bokuto with stretch marks. That’s all. That’s the note.

Kozume Kenma:

Oof how to put this nicely . . . 

He was terrible. Absolute t r a s h during the pregnancy.  And it wasn’t on purpose.  He wasn’t just sitting there purposefully dismissing your aches and hormone-induced cries.  Kenma just didn’t know that it was actually a big deal.  He didn’t know that you were genuinely in serious amounts of discomfort.

You would say that your back was hurting and he’d be like, “yeah, mine too.”  Which is v a l i d.  He has videos to edit, so he spends a lot of time hunched over his desk, but you’re also carrying a child. H I S C H I L D so he could stand to be a little more sympathetic.

Morning sickness? He’s not about to be there to hold your hair back.  He’s still fast asleep.  Probably didn’t even know that you weren’t feeling well.  Kenma isn’t a total jerk about it.  He does care about you! I need to make that clear.  He does care.  He’ll ask you if you’re feeling better when you mention that you were sick earlier that day, ask if you need anything from the store, etc etc.

It’s really more or less the fact that he’s going to be a dad in less than nine months hasn’t fully set in??  He knows that you’re pregnant.  He’s been there for the ultrasounds.  He’s heard the heartbeat.  He knows that there will be a baby, but it’s like his brain hasn’t processed that it’s his baby yet.

And it doesn’t fully hit him until you wake him up in the night, hitting his shoulder frantically, saying that something doesn’t feel right and in his sleepy haze he can only think to ask-

“Is the baby okay?”

bitch i don’t know that’s the problem 

But he’s out of bed faster than you are, practically shoving shoes on your feet to get you out the door and into the car. pspsps there was no problem just l a b o r

Kenma didn’t cry when the baby arrived, honestly he didn’t even make any moves to hold his little girl when you offered her out to him.  He was just so in awe?  He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.  She was so tiny and he was so scared that he might break her if he tried to hold her.

It takes him awhile to settle into the whole fatherhood thing, but once he gets it, he gets it.  He becomes some kind of expert multitasker.  He’s got the guys on discord through his headset, heating up formula, daughter strapped to his chest with one of those baby holders, ready to get back to gaming with his little girl right there.

She makes a few guest appearances during his streams, because she’ll start crying, wanting attention or to be fed, which brings him to sitting at his desk, bouncing his baby on his lap, continuing on with his stream like it’s the most normal thing in the world, watching as his chat blows up with people obsessing over how cute his daughter is.

Akaashi Keiji

I’m sure this a shock to everyone, but Akaashi is fucking clueless.  He was an only child and his best friend is the youngest?  He never really had to think about babies before.

He tries to research, but he gets so caught up in, ‘Is this a credible source? Can I trust what they’re telling me?’ that he learns absolutely nothing.  Like he knows all of the actual science behind what’s happening, but he has no idea how to take care of a baby.  What kind of diapers are the best?  Should you breastfeed or would formula be the better option?  How quickly should you be trying to teach them things like speech or walking?

Lucky for Akaashi, when his female co-workers, especially the ones who were mothers themselves, found out the exciting news that Akaashi was expecting a baby with you they were giving him every piece of advice under the sun.  “You need to establish a sleep routine!  It’ll take a while, but the baby will get it eventually!” “I know they say that you shouldn’t run to your baby every single time they cry, but that’s actually really harmful for their psyche in the long run.” “Make sure to play lots of classical music, especially early on.  It helps with development!”

When it comes to you, he’s pretty hit or miss?  He’s observant! Absolutely! But, he’s not really sure how to help you when you’re feeling insecure about your body or scared that you’re not going to be a good parent.  He can tell you that you’re beautiful or that everything will be okay, but it never fails to make the situation worse because, “You’re my husband.  You have to say that.”

The hormones.  They do be throwing hands with him smh

Akaashi spent the entire last two months of your pregnancy baby proofing the entire house.  If you wanted a glass of milk, it took you nearly 10 minutes.  You know he means well, but he definitely went a little overboard.

He used to give your forehead a kiss every morning before he left for work, but now Keiji will lean in to kiss your forehead before squatting down to place a kiss on your stomach

He also helps you get ready in the morning.  Your range of motion definitely isn’t what it used to be now that you have a baby bump, so he’s more than willing to help you tie your shoes or hook your bra if you need him to.

PANICKED BOY DURING DELIVERY

Everything that he was told just left his brain and he suddenly forgot everything that he had been told.  He was holding onto your hand just as tightly as you were holding onto his, but he’s trying his best for your sake.

But the first moment that he sees his little baby all swaddled up in that blanket, you swear that you’ve never seen Akaashi’s eyes so wide and his face so blank.  It’s like you could see the gears turning in his head, trying to process everything that just happened.  

He’s absolutely silent.  He doesn’t say a single word or make any noise when he finally has the opportunity to hold his son for the first time.  He can do nothing but stare.  It’s really a sight to see.  The two best things in your life just staring at one another with absolute wonder.

Akaashi takes his baby’s development very seriously.  He wants his son to be just as smart as the both of you some day, so he takes it upon himself to read to his son before every single nap.  

Poor Keiji has read Green Eggs and Ham more times than he would like to admit.

Oikawa Tooru

Now listen. I know we all want to give him shit, but my god is he the only one who knows what the hell is going on 

He has a sister who has been through this whole pregnancy thing at least once. He’s not helpless.  He knows how to take care of a kid.  Oikawa Tooru can rock a baby to sleep faster than you can say Seijoh.  He’s just that good.

Tooru bought you the ugliest pair of sneakers when your feet started to swell and your other sneakers started to get uncomfy, but god damn they were the best pair of shoes that you ever put on your feet.  Well, that he put on your feet.  It’s kind of difficult to put shoes on when there’s a uh . . . big ol’ bump in the way.

He frequently talks to your stomach in Spanish and has already given the little bean a nickname to match the Spanish one he gave you.  He also hums little songs while he rubs your stomach ugh lots of sweet vibes from oikawa

And it’s literally because his sister sent him P A R A G R A P H S just to tell him how to take care of you while you were pregnant.  All of these little things that he never would have thought of like getting one of those grabber things so you didn’t have to bend over so much or keeping snacks and anything you could possibly be craving on a low shelf so you didn’t hurt yourself climbing for the bag of pretzels.

While Tooru loves you and would do anything for you, he absolutely refuses to rub your feet.  Do not even bother asking.  He will turn up his nose and look at you like you’ve lost your mind.

He’s always telling his teammates about you and how big you’ve gotten, what size his little baby is, what names he was thinking about.  Ah it’s so cute.  He invites some of them over to help him put together the nursery, asking them if they prefer the elephants or the bears?  Should they choose yellow or maybe a nice grey?

When it came to the actual delivery of the baby, he was so calm???  Like?? Unnervingly calm?  He just held your hand, running his other hand over your head, pushing your hair back, reminding you to breathe just like he had practiced with you, telling you that you’re doing so well, that it will all be over and worth it soon.

And it really was.  Seeing his face light up with the most adoring smile that you had ever seen as he took his little one into his arms was one of the most beautiful sights you had ever seen.  He was absolutely in love and all it took was one little look and he was already cooing and making silly faces.

But those goofy faces and cute voices were just to mask the tears that had welled in his eyes at finally being able to hold the most beautiful thing on the planet.  He never thought he’d get to be a dad, settling down was something that had always seemed so distant and strange to him until he met you.  And yet, here he was.  A full-fledged dad, on the verge of sobbing as he held onto his first-born as if his entire universe would crumble if he looked away for even a second.

Please don’t even get me started on when his kiddo wrapped their hand around his finger.  SOBBED.  He’s gone.  Absolutely bawling his eyes out.

Ugh i could go on forever about dad!oikawa he’d just be so 10/10

{taglist: @moncymonce​ @nicka-nell​ @lovinnoya​ @celosiiaa​ @ush7jima​ @deephasoceanmagic​}

[imagine-organization-xiii]

Organization XIII - As Cats

I was inspired by two things: the first was this post by boodalinski because I was watching the kill count on youtube and happened to come across it while scrolling through the tumblr tag for Friday the 13th.

I was also inspired by a fanfiction by nyargles called Phil Coulson is Not a Crazy Cat Lady - an MCU fanfic with the avengers as cats, which was fairly entertaining and I highly recommend if you’re an MCU fan.

oOoOo

Buy me a coffee here! (now with an updated and working link)

oOoOo

Xemnas

Xemnas was your first kitty, a regal black feline that had a look in his eyes that said he was a lot smarter than everyone around him.  The old lady you adopted him from couldn’t tell you how old he was, only that she had him for years and that he really didn’t seem to age and didn’t act like an elderly cat. She promised that he was mostly self-sufficient and, honestly, came and went as he pleased, which he does.

You can go days sometimes without seeing Xemnas. You’ll refill his food and water bowls because the contents steadily disappear and there’s evidence that he’s been using the litter box, but you don’t actually see him even when you search high and low through the house.

There’s nothing that you can do. He is the king of your house and he will make it known. When he does bother to show his face, he watches your ever move, obviously judging everything you do. Gets pissed if you don’t give him the highest quality of food - wet. salmon. only. or he’ll just refuse to eat and meow at you like a little asshole until you give in.

Does not get along with the other cats you eventually adopt. He acts as though they’re business partners and gets some of them to do his bidding.

That cat that would stand next to that expensive glass vase that your mother gave you and slowly reach out his paw while you’re like “don’t you dare,” and he’ll just blink slowly at you like the little asshole he is before he pushes the vase to the floor and lets it smash into a hundred pieces.

Xigbar

Xigbar was a wild stray when you first found him lurking on the roof near your rain gutters. His hair was long and matted and he had more scars across his body than any animal should ever have, but he had a surprisingly good attitude when you clicked your fingers and enticed him with cat treats. Turns out the treats were useless, because he just took one look at you and the treats, turned his nose up at you, hopped down from your roof and waltzed past you just to head directly to your front door, meowing in annoyance until you let him inside.

Didn’t mind it when you dragged him into the bath, meowing wildly at Xemnas from where your first cat perched himself on your bathroom counter, watching with an intense eye that almost made you uncomfortable. Xigbar, however, didn’t put up a fight against the water and happily allows you to scrub at the dirt and grime in his fur.

This little asshole gets into everything. You can lock the cabinets and the doors and put padlocks onto the bags of treats but somehow still manages to eat his way through a whole bag of cat food and treats and oh god the bag of catnip like the rat bastard he is.

Xaldin

Xaldin is a large fluffy cat with the darkest hair you’ve ever seen - hair that seems to get tangled no matter what you do, so you need to keep him brushed constantly because he’ll go absolutely ballistic if you try to get it trimmed by a groomer to make it more manageable.

His hair gathers static electricity like whoa, so be prepared to get a static shock if you get close to him, which happens a lot because he gets in moods sometimes where he loves cuddles? But he doesn’t want you to know he loves cuddles. He’ll plop his ass in your lap and expect you to give him a few cuddles and squeezes before he’s done for the day and goes about doing whatever else he does.

A jealous cat, like horribly jealous whenever you pay one of the other cats more attention than him. He needs a lot of affection even though he’ll fight you tooth and nail through it all. He wants to be an independent kitty, okay, but he gets lonely easily, so don’t be surprised if he sneaks in to your room at night to sleep at the foot of your bed and somehow ends up half on top of your pillow with you.

Vexen

A cat that is on the uglier side because of a surprisingly pointed face with a nose that is always up in the air. He has a constant pout and is on the older side, even though you’ve never been able to pinpoint exactly how old he was.

Talks a lot. Meows at you, at the other cats, at himself, at walls, at empty air, at his toys, at everything. He never shuts up. His meow sounds like the disgruntled croak of someone who smoked eighteen packs of cigarettes a day, literally one of the ugliest meows you’ve ever heard in your life.

But that’s okay!!! He isn’t the most handsome cat in the world but by god he’s so smart and endearing. You can’t believe how intelligent he is. He’s the one who locates all of the treats and catnips, Xigbar tears open the bags, and the two of them share in the spoils of their victory.

An indecisive cat. Meows relentlessly to get your attention because he gets lonely. “Y/N pay attention to me!!!” But then when you do he’s like HA SIKE and nips at your heels or hands before he bolts away because he can’t decide if he wants affection or if he just wants to be a naughty boy for no reason.

Lexaeus

You find Lexaeus at the same time you find Zexion, the gigantic cat covering the smaller gray kitten protectively with his huge body against the storm raging outside and against you. They were hiding somewhere under your porch when you heard the tiny kitten mewls from somewhere nearby, and you somehow managed to entice them into the house with warmth and treats.

Lexaeus is one of the biggest cats you’ve ever seen. He’s protective of Zexion - and later, the other cats, too - and he’s quiet and surprisingly agile for his huge size. Of all the cats, it takes him the longest to get used to your presence. He doesn’t trust you at all for what feels like weeks, but slowly he gets used to having you around and... well, he knows that you’re now his primary food source so he begrudgingly accepts you.

But when he does get used to you? He’s a purring machine. Sounds like a small car engine with how much he purrs. The smaller kittens love to lay on him or under him or around him because he’s like a vibrating massager.

Plops everywhere. Plops on your lap when he wants cuddles, which is often. Plops on top of the older cats when they annoy him or if they’re getting out of control. Plops on top of the little cats when he can tell they’re getting anxious. Just a blob of fur sometimes.

Zexion

A teeny baby!!!! Such a sweetheart. Quiet and smart and wary of the entire world around him even though he is so curious and wants to get into everything because he has to be in everyone’s business. He likes to explore even if that means he’ll disappear and appear hours later covered in dust and dirt.

Another one of your rare cats that’s fairly okay with baths. A little lukewarm water and his favorite squeaky toy and he’ll be good to go when you need to wash some dirt out of his hair.

His favorite spot in the world? Perched on top of Lexaeus’s head. You don’t know why, but you think he might like the view from so high up since he has fairly short legs.

Not really a fan of toys in general, but he loves blankets and anything fluffy that he could dig himself in and hide. The more fluff, the better, which is probably why he likes Lexaeus so much. If you can’t find him, chances are that he’s somehow gotten into your bed and burrowed under your covers because WARM

Saix

Saix was a wild stray when you found him lurking near your rain gutters one late, rainy night, with matted fur and an odd scar across 

Likes to keep to himself. You don’t own him, he owns you. Doesn’t like to be touched except for on very rare occasions. He’s self-sufficient, similarly to Xemnas, but unlike Xemnas who judges you for long distances but will begrudgingly put up with you if you pat his head, Saix is NOT afraid of swiping at you with your claws.

“Omg, Y/N, are you okay?” And your friends will just stare down at the tiny scratch marks that cover your palms and your arms and your calves. “Oh, yeah, that’s just Saix.”

Likes schedules. Somehow knows your schedule better than you do. He’s your alarm clock in the mornings, waking you up with piercing meows right next to your ear at 6:30 on the dot. Are you late for feeding time? Unacceptable. Get your ass in the kitchen and pour food into his bowl before he takes it upon himself to jump onto the counters and find something to eat for himself.

One of the cats that brings you dead animals because, my goodness you really are useless aren’t you? Here, let me just plop this dead mouse right into your shoes so you can have some sustenance.

Axel

Axel comes as a package deal with Roxas at the animal shelter. You go in to volunteer for a bit and leave with two cats meowing enthusiastically back and forth to each other.

Equally as vocal as Vexen, but his meows are a bit cuter and more high-pitched. Eagerly races after you through the house as he trills in excitement - never has any idea what’s going on, but he’s always happy to be around you!

Axel is arguably the best cat around other human beings. He’s a curious cat when it comes to people and thinks, hey this is another person to give me some sweet pets so I better be nice to them no matter what!!! Also one of the only cats that will actually show themselves when there’s a little child in the room. Sits patiently while the kid will pat him a little too roughly, well-mannered and begrudging as he noses his way around the room.

Best cat around other human beings, yes, but it takes you a while to realize it’s because he’s a nosy little shit and has to be in the middle of everything at all times. Will definitely be winding through people’s legs and whining for attention because he has to be the center of attention or else.

Demyx

Such a dumb cat. Like probably the dumbest cat you’ve ever seen in your life, but it’s gone around from being super dumb to kind of being endearing, because Demyx is such a loving cat and wants all the cuddles and love that you can give him, but he has no common sense whatsoever.

The last of your cats that likes water, and he probably likes it the most out of all of them. Scrub scrub scrub, just let him drown in that warm water, he will thank you with the best cuddles and rubs against your leg. 

Follows you everywhere because he wants to be with you because he loves you! Are you heading into the bathroom? Into the kitchen to fix dinner? Into your attic? Out to your car? He’ll be right on your heels.

Makes the cutest noises when he sleeps, like little squeaks and chirps that happen when he gets too excited even when he’s unconscious.

Luxord

Shameless attention whore, without a doubt. Follows you around the house. Follows the other cats. Follows deliver people and your friends out to their vehicles. Tries to follow you to work. He has definitely made you late more than once because he absolutely knows how to sneak past you out the front door.

Most susceptible to bribes of treats. Dangle a few treats in the air and Luxord could quite literally be eating out of the palm of your hand. He gets kind of zealous, though, so get him to do what you need him to do before he starts literally climbing up your pant leg.

Shockingly territorial. He likes things to be a certain way, so if one of the other cats happens to sneak their way into his spot on the cat tower? He can get kind of violent. However, he’s also easily distracted, so fights with the other cats are few and far between.

Marluxia

A sweet, lazy cat who would much rather spread out in your garden in a patch of sunshine than run around with the other cats. He’s an observer, through and through, and keeps himself super groomed. Loves being pampered and doesn’t mind bathing, but it isn’t his favorite thing in the world.

His weak spot? His ears. Rub behind his ears for a little bit and he will literally melt into a pile of fluff across your feet. A scratch behind the ears is instantly calming for your sweet Marluxia.

Cleans himself all the time. Expect to be groomed when he grooms himself because, man Y/N you need to take care of yourself! He’s a handsome boy and he knows it, so he thinks that he’s the epitome of good hygiene. Will also try to help groom the other cats - only half of them put up with it.

Larxene

Your first female cat and Larxene immediately takes up a role as queen. She won’t let any of the other cats take advantage of her, so your boys will either avoid her completely, watch her warily from a distance, or do their best to befriend her and get on her good side.

Static. Electricity. You don’t know what Larxene does when you have your back turned, but every time you go to pet her, you always end up getting an electric shock. She’ll chirp at you and give you a lick before running off to go curl up near the window, but you’re left with your hair standing on end.

Most active at night. When all of the other cats are snoozing, she likes to be up, roaming and wandering the house and exploring. She likes being aware of her surroundings!

Larxene is also the best when it comes to car rides. She’ll stretch out and snooze where your other cats will cry, hiss, swat at you, or hide under one of the seats.

Roxas

Roxas isn’t a stupid cat - he’s actually really smart! - but he’s so clumsy. Trips on air, on his own two feet, on the other cats, on his toys, on his food bowl, etc. He jumps long distances and misses his destination, runs with an intention of leaping but slips on the floor and runs face-first into the wall. Bounces back pretty fast and is fairly resilient, so he rarely injures himself no matter how much he trips and falls.

Most likely to be found: dangling by the scruff in Axel’s mouth, meowing indignantly. Axel took a shine to the little kitten and you aren’t quite sure why, but if you’re looking for either one of them, the other shouldn’t be far behind.

Squeaky toys. Oh, man, all the squeaky toys. Has he disappeared? Just give his favorite toy a squeak and wait a few minutes. He’ll bolt down the hallway and squeak squeak squeak squeaksqueaksqueaksqUEAK

Xion

Oh, my God, the cutest kitten, almost too cute to be real. She’s small and has stubby legs but is surprisingly agile for her size and age.  Probably the youngest of all of the kitties.

Has a sixth sense when it comes to human emotions. Knows exactly whenever your upset and she adjusts her behavior accordingly. You’re sad and she wants you to be less sad, so be prepared for constant purring and cuddles until you feel better. Sometimes recruits Roxas to come and snuggle with you.

Hates water, but isn’t afraid of it? Like she doesn’t want to be in the water at all, but she gets scared for you whenever you take a shower and wants to rescue you, so she’ll definitely be meowing at you until you take her into the shower with you, putting her somewhere dry where she can watch you and make sure that you’re okay.

[dothwrites]

spn advent calendar--snow globe

Here is my first contribution to the Spn Advent Calendar--Hopefully there will be 25 of these. I’ve set these in the one million fires burning ‘verse, which you can find here. You don’t need to have read that first to enjoy this, but you know--it might be fun. =) enjoy! 

let your heart be light--Dean/Castiel, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester. 

Tags: Established Relationship, grumpy!Cas, Christmas Addict!Dean, John Winchester’s A+ Parenting, Found Family

{read on Ao3}

“Hey, be careful with that,” Dean says as Castiel starts to unpack the first of many Christmas boxes. 

“You’re not even looking at me,” Castiel mutters, glancing over his shoulder to where Dean is unraveling the garlands from their paper tubes. 

“Yeah, but I can tell from the way that you opened the box that you’re not being careful.” 

He’s not entirely wrong, but Castiel doesn’t want to admit it. Still, he takes his time opening the rest of the box and when he sifts through the newspaper and styrofoam peanuts in the box. 

It’s their first Christmas living together, and they’ve already had some bumps. Namely, Dean wanted to decorate on November 15th, while Castiel would be fine decorating never. They compromised and decided on December 1st, which resulted in Dean waking up early, for once in his life, and shaking a very unresponsive Castiel awake. 

All right, so he’s a little grumpy, which might have resulted in him opening the box with a little force than was strictly necessary. But he’s more careful now as he takes out the dozen Christmas knickknacks that Dean’s managed to collect through his life. 

Castiel knows that there’s a story behind each of these, and no doubt if he were to ask, then Dean would tell him. The problem is that there are just so many of them and the whole idea of Christmas leaves Castiel with a vague sour taste in his mouth. He forces it down, reminds himself that this is the first Christmas that he and Dean are spending together and that isn’t an awkward shambles of either I really like you but we don’t have that kind of relationship or Your entire family knows that I broke your heart and now they kind of hate me even when you tell them that it’s fine and we’re happy. It’s a lot, and a lack of enthusiasm over traditional Christmas just makes it more. 

He pulls out the last decoration from the box, a small snowglobe that looks like it’s seen better days. The bottom forest scene carvings are chipped, little evergreens showing white and several animals missing either their legs or sides. One forlorn reindeer is missing half his antlers. The glass on the globe itself is scratched and muted. In a few places it’s downright murky, with a few black patches on it. When he shakes it, the snow inside swirls belligerently, before quickly settling down on the ground once again. Even the scene inside the globe, with its ice-skating couples, seems somehow saddened in nature, like the tiny painted figures are just waiting for the ice to crack underneath them. 

“Ah, there she is,” Dean breathes. He’s managed to sneak up behind him, which is unfair, but Castiel relaxes as Dean winds his arms around his waist. He leans back into Dean’s comforting bulk, breathing in deep the scent of his cologne and detergent. 

“You were looking for this?” Castiel gives the snowglobe another, tentative shake. 

“Best decoration of them all,” Dean assures him, before blowing a short raspberry against the back of his neck. Castiel squirms in his grip, but Dean is strong and makes no qualms about tightening his grip and squashing Castiel’s internal organs in the process. One day Castiel is going to go to the doctor and they’re going to find that he has irreparable damage to his spleen, and then it’s going to be all Dean’s fault. 

“No offense, but it, um...doesn’t look like much,” Castiel says dubiously. In the silence that follows his statement he has just enough time to regret his words before the warmth of Dean’s arms are yanked away from his waist and the snowglobe is snatched out of his hands. Castiel turns around just in time to watch Dean situate himself on the end of the couch, snowglobe cradled carefully in his large hands. 

Shit.

Castiel knows that a large flaw in his personality comes from speaking first and thinking later, or, as Dean so succinctly  puts it, Forgetting to be a real fucking person for thirty seconds. It’s caused quite a few problems in his past and will continue to cause quite a few problems in his future, because, as he reminds Dean when he gets frustrated with his partner and himself, I can’t just turn it off Dean, I’m sorry. 

And he is sorry, because obviously, this snowglobe means something to Dean, even if Castiel thinks that it might be one of the ugliest things in creation. And, now that he looks back it see the progression of events, he realizes that Dean was the odd combination of manic and tender that he gets when he’s feeling vulnerable. 

Conclusion: Castiel is an asshole. 

He sidles next to Dean on the couch, resting a tentative hand between Dean’s shoulders. When Dean doesn’t shake him off, Castiel moves closer. He doesn’t stop until he’s draped over Dean’s back like a particularly ineffective blanket. Dean seems to appreciate the contact though. He slumps under Castiel’s weight and cranes his head to the side so that Castiel can nose at the soft skin behind his ear. 

“Tell me about it,” Castiel says, enough upwards inflection at the end of his voice to turn the statement into a question. 

Dean sucks in a shaky breath, and lets out a shuddering exhale. One of his hands reaches up and gropes at Castiel’s wrist until Castiel turns his hand and allows Dean to lace their fingers together. Dean grips his hand, the wrong side of too tight, but Castiel doesn’t complain as Dean drags their knuckles over his mouth. 

“It was my mom’s,” Dean says, and something in Castiel’s chest breaks open at the wavering sound of Dean’s voice. 

Dean doesn’t talk about his parents; at least not willingly. There have been a few times when Dean’s had more than a few and he’s blabbered out something to Castiel, but he hasn’t voluntarily given information about his parents without imbibing some kind of alcohol. 

Castiel brushes another kiss over Dean’s neck, right at his hairline and hums encouragement. 

“She loved Christmas. I mean, I don’t remember many Christmases, but that’s what Bobby told me. He said that she loved it all--the lights, the trees, the decorations.” Dean turns the globe over in his hands. “I remember this thing though. For whatever fucking reason, I was obsessed with this thing. Wouldn’t let it go, no matter what. When Christmas was over and she tried to pack it away with the rest of the decorations, I cried until she let me keep it in my room. I would watch it every night, even in the middle of summer. The snow, the skaters...I don’t know. it was peaceful.”

Dean sniffles. Castiel pretends not to have heard. “And then, after the fire...Dad was too busy shoving things into bags to pay attention to me the entire time. I managed to get up the stairs and into my room...A few toys, stuffed animals...but all I wanted was this thing.” Dean turns the globe over in his hands. “Kept this in my bag all that time. Made sure never to let Dad see it--The one time that he caught me with it, he yelled so much that he woke Sammy up. Tried to yank it out of my hands but I was ready for him. Ran outside without my coat and stayed there for an hour until he drove away. Had to sit in the shower for a good thirty minutes to warm up afterward.

“And, like, you can’t trust kids with stuff like this, you know?” Dean runs his finger over the broken reindeer. “I was just a punk kid, didn’t know how to take care of nice things. Just threw this into my bag with my shampoo and my toothpaste. Cried whenever a piece broke off, but I didn’t dare let Dad see.”

Castiel ducks his head into Dean’s shoulder, breathing in the scent of him. He hurts so much for Dean’s younger self that he can feel the tear in his chest, an actual physical pain. “Eventually we landed at Bobby’s and I could unpack this. And then, when I got this place...” Dean shrugs. The motion threatens to topple Castiel but he clings on tighter to Dean’s back. “I felt like I didn’t need it anymore? Or maybe that I shouldn’t need it anymore. Either way, I packed it away with the rest of the Christmas stuff and, you know, I see it once a year, so that’s--”

Castiel never gives Dean a chance to finish. He slithers from clinging to Dean’s back to his lap.  He takes the globe from Dean’s hands, carefully, now that he knows what it means, and sets it gently on the coffee table. Once that’s taken care of, he cradles Dean’s face within his hands. His thumbs sweep over the apple of Dean’s cheeks and underneath his eyes, which are suspiciously damp. He tilts Dean’s face up to his and kisses him, long, slow, and soft. Dean sighs into his kiss, relaxing bit by bit, until, when Castiel finally pulls away, he’s soft as putty in his hands. 

“You’re wonderful,” Castiel tells Dean, kissing his forehead, his temples, and the tip of his nose. Dean’s eyes close and he hums softly, off-tune. “You’re wonderful and I’m sorry that I’m so grouchy and awful, but I love you. And I promise that I’ll try harder and I’ll be...jolly, or whatever else you want me to be.”

Eyes still closed, Dean smiles. “You don’t have to,” he murmurs, nuzzling his face into Cas’ hand. “Be you. That’s always enough for me.” He presses a kiss to Castiel’s palm, then opens one eye. A glint lurks in his eye, one that Castiel immediately mistrusts. “Of course, if you’re still feeling bad and want to make it up to me, you can go shopping with me tomorrow.” 

Castiel rolls his eyes. He’s already got a bad feeling about this. 

Tags under the cut! If you want to be added/taken out, just holler at me.

@screamatthescreen @queenvee08 @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @dizzypinwheel

[segenassefa]

6: Brand Focus: Los Angeles Apparel

September – the season of changing leaves, pumpkin spice lattes (those are nasty but if I speak…), and – usually – back to school shopping.

However, now that life has transitioned online, there is no reason to wear anything that is uncomfortable or at least two sizes oversized on a day-to-day basis. But – and don’t fight me on this - there is nothing more satifying than new and quality loungewear.

This is where Los Angeles Apparel comes in.

The brand formerly known as American Apparel rebranded as Los Angeles Apparel – the same basics brand, full of heavyweight cotton, styles ranging from classic to contemporary, and a wide range of colours, everything from neutrals to neon colours.

After bankrupting twice, American Apparel was purchased by Canadian manufacturer, Gildan, in 2017. Gildan went on to rebrand and remove the more notable points of the company’s marketing strategy – namely, the borderline pornographic advertising and sinfully high price range (some AA products can now be purchased on websites such as Wordans and Amazon).

Founder and Montreal native Dov Charney (who has his own demons, including accusations of sexual harassment and mismanagement of funds when he ran American Apparel in 2014*) then decided to take his ideas elsewhere, introducing Los Angeles Apparel.

Now operating out of a south Los Angeles warehouse, LAA poses itself as an ethical, basics, brand, paying workers between $15-$20 USD, as well as overtime pay and benefits, and varies from other fashion retailers in the amount of transparency to behind the scenes of their warehouse and in the production process – many of the brand’s Instagram stories include shots of models, posing outside and throughout the warehouse, and well as videos of various garment and production workers at their daily dyeing, stitching, and cutting tasks. Another plus of this brand is the composition of the garments, specifically their sweatshirts and sweatpants, tops, and bodysuits. Most places do not manufacture goods with 100% cotton - traditional brands either use a 50/50 blend of cotton and polyester, or an 80/20 blend for goods in the heavyweight category. Using 100% cotton leads to a garment that looks even better with wear and tear, as well as prevents pilling, worn out elastic cuffs and hems, as well as less discolouration. Lastly, LAA is mostly devoid of branding – their clothing has no flashy logos or tags, no awkward stitching or excessive distressing, product styles, and unsavoury colour combinations – likely stemming from their roots as a wholesale blanks company. There is a bit of 90’s flavour to the styles shown on the website, included oversized sweats and t-shirts, lots and lots of pleats (pants, skirts, shorts, everything), as well as having more fresh-faced models, both men and women.

I’ve never personally been a huge American Apparel shopper – the original brand was not the most inclusive in terms of sizing as most of their items run on the smaller size (even to this day – their 2XL fits more like a very roomy XL) or were the dreaded “slim fit” (the ugliest cut of clothing to touch down on this face of the Earth, please don’t argue with me). However, since rebranding, Charney and the rest of the LAA team began to embrace more true-to-size and oversized fits. After rebuilding my wardrobe with quality basics, I can say about 80% of my wardrobe is from LAA – the pieces are good quality, minimal, and tasteful. Also, as a person who tries to be as ethical with my spending practices as possible and invest in quality clothing, I feel a bit better knowing the $40 t-shirt won’t be falling apart in the wash or after a few wears. For anyone who has considered dipping their toe into LAA or has been looking for other basics to add to their collection, here is a listed review of my favourite items from Los Angeles Apparel**.

HF09GD Unisex - Garment Dye 14oz. Heavy Fleece Hooded Pullover Sweatshirt

If I had the power to get rid of all of the hoodies in the world and replace them with only one, this would be it. This hoodie is thick as hell to the point where sometimes it feels like canvas, but not in an uncomfortable way. The colours are also super rich – my favourite one is Chocolate (one day we will talk about how brown is the supreme neutral for its ability to be and blend with both warm and cool tone colours, but I digress). Another interesting thing about these hoodies is that they don’t hold smell the way I’ve found polyester blends do and when washed, literally smell like an entirely new garment. This is also one of the products that I found is actually more of an oversized fit, and as with most cotton goods – stretch (but not unreasonably) with wear. It comes in a huge selection of colours as well and the sizing is fairly unisex, as both me and my boyfriend have worn this hoodie and have marveled at the quality. While it is an investment ($100 CAD per hoodie, about double that for the whole set), it is truly the hooded sweatshirt I’ve ever owned.

Size: XL, Colour: Chocolate, Price: $100 CAD

3380GD - Heavy 2x1 Rib Crop Tank

As our beautiful friend who was floating around Twitter not too long ago said, “Get into eeeeet!”. And she was absolutely right. This tank top is made for the people who want to get into the w*fe-beater/undershirt-as-a-shirt trend but don’t particularly enjoy the length or thinness of those traditional tops. This cropped tank is a racerback, but not to the point where it is completely unwearable without a bra, provided you have a convertible bra. This top is also 5% elastane as opposed to polyester (for those who are curious, elastane is a member of the Lycra and Spandex family, so the stretch in this top will also provide some shaping benefits). While it does only come in two colours for the time being, I’m one of those people who owns everything in my closet in both black and white, so this was perfect for me. Another thing to note, all my BBWs, this top does not roll up or require too much adjusting throughout the day, and sits just above the belly button for a cropped look without making you look like Roger the Alien (you know what I’m talking about….). This tank top is relatively affordable, considering the wearability, and the ribbing isn’t too noticeable so if you wanted a nice cropped but semi conservative top, this just might be it.

Size: L, Colour: Black, Price: $30 CAD

1215GD - Heavy Jersey Garment Dye Casual Pants

Ok, you know when you want to wear sweatpants, but you also realize that maybe the occasion is not appropriate, or you just need a little bit of pizzazz without all of the frump? This is these pants. When I first read the reviews, I was skeptical, but after realizing all I own are jeans and sweatpants, I copped a pair. I wore these in 75-degree weather, walked a good three or four miles, and was comfortable all day. Plus, unlike most traditional womenswear pants, these pockets are DEEP. Like Mariana Trench deep, which I love because one thing about me – I’m going to use a damn pocket. I would say to avoid these if you aren’t into the straight leg look because with a t-shirt, they do give very public-school art teacher vibes, but they also come in a huge range of colours. A lot of people complain about the elastic band for a lot of their products (too tight), but personally I prefer that – it provides a longer wear time before you have to wash (since it takes longer for the garment to stretch out) and keeps everything cute and covered. These pants are also a nice alternative to jeans, and even come in the couple shades of blue to mimic the idea of dark/light wash. The price is a little obscene for some casual pants, but I think you’re someone who usually wears pants from Urban Planet, H&M, or even Zara, these will be a nice upgrade, sure to last a very, very long time.

Size: L, Colour: Black, Price: $52 CAD

1406GD - Long Sleeve Garment Dye Mockneck T-Shirt

Another one of my favourite things about LAA is the fact that a lot of their products are unisex (while not explicitly labelled as such, you will see a lot of the same items in both the men and women tabs on their website). I love a good long sleeve shirt, but my proportions were never too forgiving to pull it off without looking like a 1960’s ghost, or like I had gotten dressed in the tent section of Home Depot. This top is more of a boxy fit, but the bottom is cropped enough to make it hit just above the thighs for a nice, slouchy look. The colours in these are also super nice, veering more towards neutrals and pastels. This shirt looks good with bike shorts and tucked into jeans, and (the best part) the white is not see-through at all, which was one of my biggest complaints when buying shirts from brands like Hanes, Gildan, Fruit of the Loom, and Keya. The neckline is a lot higher than most traditional crew necks, but I’m a fan. Plus, I feel like it looks a lot better when you layer jewelry over it. If you’re springing to get a basic colour, I’d say it’s totally worth it, at $41 a pop, considering that it’ll last damn near forever.

Size: XL, Colour: White, Price: $52 CAD

B128CF - Long Sleeve Crossfront Bodysuit

The bodysuit that started it all. Y’all. The number of compliments I get whenever I wear this top is insane, not to mention of all the bodysuits I have purchased from this brand, this one is the most flattering, the most versatile, and the most forgiving, in terms of sizing. The cross-front bodysuit is a happy medium for people who want to get into the criss-cross top look without the hassle of strings and shit like that. Not to mention, many bodysuits in this style tend to be ribbed – and not the good kind of ribbing either *retches*. I own this bodysuit in both a medium and a large, and my advice would be to size down, especially if you’re planning on wearing it without a bra (not much of a choice considering this bodysuit has a deep, deep, V neck) and will definitely add to the effortless look of the whole ensemble. This bodysuit can be dressed up and dressed down, but my favourite way to wear this is with some slouchy ass sweatpants, white sneakers (preferably a little beat up) and a small shoulder bag – ad square or transparent sunglasses for some big 90s energy, like you just left a Bikram yoga class or something. The colours on this could be better – aside from the white, black, and flesh toned colour, I really don’t see a purpose for the coral or blue shade, but I may be biased considering I do avoid bright colours like that. Now, it may seem a little overpriced for what it is, but I promise you – in my years of bodysuit research, the only brand that’s coming close to this, especially for larger chested laydeez, is Capezio, and that’s literally dancewear. Like, industrial ass dancewear. Regardless, this bodysuit is top 2 and it’s not 2.

Size: M, Colour: White, Price: $49 CAD

BD12 - Bull Denim Oversized Bag

If I had to give a name to my aesthetic – particularly when it comes to accessories – I’d say I’m somewhere in between “Bag Lady” by Erykah Badu and first year art student in the Midwest working part time at a dusty bookstore. This bag is more of the latter. For reference on size, it’s about as big, laid flat, as my large Telfar, but when on, doesn’t have the same structure, thus keeping it from looking like a burlap sack (or keeping you from looking like Santa on December 24th). The material is bull denim, which is similar in texture and style to regular denim, however, dyed to give it a rich and uniform colour. Also this bag comes in literally all of the ROYGBIV colours, plus black and white, and in a variety of styles and closures (they have one with a zipper for people who are diligent about things like that, as well as a more standard tote size and shape). This bag is perfect for literally everything – I like it when I go grocery shopping, or even getting from A to B when I have to carry a million things. Another bonus is the construction of the strap is thick without being comical, meaning that you won’t have those nasty lines in your shoulder after a long day, and you won’t have to worry about a strap busting and embarrazzzzing you (Nella Rose voice) when you’re out. In terms of pricing, you could get a little pleather number from H&M for the same price, but if you don’t take yourself seriously, then just say that (kidding!). as someone who loves the look of a good canvas tote, without wanting to look too much like a crunchy granola kinda person, this bag is lowkey one of my favourites (sorry, Mr. Clemens!).

Size: OS, Colour: Navy, Price: $58

Notes:

*= We do not condone predatory behaviour from anyone, but it is important to highlight that just because you love something doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Part of being a responsible consumer is also knowing about who you purchase from, not just what and how things are made. I am aware of this and am taking accountability for not knowing this information sooner.

**= All of these opinions are my own and not sponsored. Product codes will be listed in the title, and sizing, colour purchased, as well as CAD pricing will be listed at the end of each review.

[human-trash-fire]

Beautiful Disaster: Chapter 5 (Pynch Soulmate AU)

Alrighty my loves, this chapter has been a labor of love from the beginning. As you continue reading you will see art pieces and each is correlated with a song (those will be at the end), and references yet again will be made to the EMFS playlist (Ronan’s rehab playlist- I’ve actually made it on spotify! you can find it here)

As usual you can find this story on Ao3 @ glam_reaper 2 if you’re interested <3

TW: Mention of suicide attempt, a panic attack though not super descriptive, cannon typical language.

Iv.

You,

I made a friend last week.

I know for most people that wouldn’t be a big deal, but I assume by now You understand what that means for someone like me. I guess “friend” may be a generous term? I don’t know if we are there yet, Blue definitely disagrees with him “on principle.” 

You see, President Cellphone as she calls him, or Richard Campbell Gansey III (I know, what a douchey fucking name) is all boat shoes and privledge and perfect teeth. Gansey isn’t someone I’d normally associate with mind you, Henry kind of met my quota for rich extroverts in the inner circle, and yet…

So, here’s the story. I’m writing my last letter right? And I was so fucking lost. I decided to walk home from Nino’s- I thought maybe it would help me settle. And there, right around the corner is this fucking ‘73 camero. It should have been beautiful, really.. A classic like that? It’s a dream to look at. Only this fucking thing is the UGLIEST color of candy orange you could ever imagine… And it’s blowing smoke all over the damn place. I was honestly going to leave boat-shoes to call his daddy or mechanic or what have you, but he looked so confused. I offered to help him out and was able to get it running long enough to get to Boyd’s.

I expected him to just drop off “The Pig” (the car) like any normal person and come back for it, only I apparently made “quite the impression.”

Gansey ended up staying with me, prattling on about his Masters History program and some welsh king the ENTIRE time I worked on the damn car. At first I was tuning him out, but without realizing it I became completely entranced by the whole story. I’ve never seen such passion for anything, and I have VERY spirited friends.

He has one of those voices you know? The kind that can stop a room, raise an army, lead a nation. The kind that demands to be heard without ever having to raise itself.

That’s Gansey though.

I think he’ll be good for me, I don’t think he’d give me much of a choice in the matter though to be honest. He kind of adopted me this week? That should bother me and yet, being around him is just… It’s being included. It’s a sense of purpose.

I think he needs it too, he doesn’t seem to talk about negative things but you can tell, he’s haunted by something. That’s what solidified it for me really. He may be a senator’s son but he’s seen some shit. 

I wish you could have met him, I wonder if you would have been as intrigued by him as I find myself. 

Blue is being a total idiot about him, but I’m about 82% sure it’s because she is into him. I know for sure the feeling is mutual. It took Gans approximately 15 minutes after meeting Blue to ask me for her life story, offend her beyond measure, and then haul ass out of Nino’s. It was the first time I’d seriously laughed in so long. Have you ever been second-hand embarrassed for someone? It was that. 

I’m going to wrap this up now though, I need to head to Nino’s for my shift, Blue’s working so of course Gans is stopping by. He said he’s bringing one of his best friends with him, some dude named Noah. Apparently he’s pretty cool, so I’m moderately less apprehensive. He said he wished he could bring his other best friend/ his and Noah’s third roommate but the guy is staying with family for a few months or something. Idk? He doesn’t talk about the other roommate much. I honestly don’t even think he’s ever said his name. Who gives a shit though, I can barely handle one new friend, let alone a 3-pack of Ganseys. Good God… I hope Noah isn’t another Gansey…. Fuck.

Welp.

Here goes nothing.

*****

It started with a not-so-subtle idea from the esteemed Dr. Allen. “Show me what happened.” Ronan was never great with words before all this, and since… When he spoke it was usually a litany of curse words. So Dr. Allen had suggested art. In the weeks since his entombment in this fine rehabilitation center, Ronan had kind of already been doing what he was being asked to do now. Though, he didn’t mention it to Allen. He’d spent countless hours sketching his life, the whole thing, in snapshots inside that beautiful leather sketchbook Gansey had given him. 

He started at the beginning, pictures of Aurora and his brothers, the Barns, his father playing guitar by the fire. He drew their family vacations, the cows he used to sneak out and sleep beside when he was a child, the feeling of winning the Tennis State Championship when he was 15. He drew the bad things too, his nightmares, his drug-trips, that old stained couch in the basement of Kavinsky’s house. He put every piece of himself, all 22 years of memories down in that book, woven together with song lyrics in the margins. 

So when Dr. Allen asked him to look specifically to his addiction and create, he didn’t see a problem. He needed to return to school with a series anyways, Declan had called to inform him that strings had been pulled to allow him to finish his final semester at Georgetown, but he needed to walk in with something to show at the January exhibition. Two birds, and all that.

He settled on 7 pieces, each done in oils on canvas, each accompanied by a song. 7 moments in the life of his battle with addiction, from the beginning to now. With each stroke of his brush he felt infinesmally lighter, pouring his grief into the images before him. 

It started with “The Fall.” His father’s murder in reds and greys; fracturing lines and deep shadows. He mixed his paints with tears and used his heart to drag color across the canvas. For the first time in years, Ronan allowed the memory to consume him. He’d re-lived it plenty of times in his nightmares, but this was different. His hands shook, jagged strokes of anger and confusion bleeding through. He painted the brief moment, the final moment, when his world was whole before his teenage mind finally realized what it was he was looking at. His last free breath. And he painted his screams, the cacophony of pain, endlessly mixing with sirens until his vocal chords gave out. 

He drowned the canvas in un-kept promises and hung it out to dry with childhood dreams.

Then came “Chasing the Void.” It was a story told in stark lighting. High beams on a backroad, swirling smoke and broken bottles. It was white glasses and white-powder lines on shark-nosed hood. It was going 115mph, bones rattling with the beat of the bass in his sound system. Ronan painted a black tattoo, used the blood on his knuckles to tint bloodshot eyes. His brush moved with his mother’s disappointment and his brother’s anger. Whimsical lines and Gansey’s head shaking when he found Ronan passed out yet again. He painted the highs and lows when sobriety reminded him that he hated the face that stared back at him in the mirror. 

Each new piece he added to the collection was brought to Dr. Allen’s office. Together they worked through each memory associated with the piece and slowly Ronan felt the weight on his chest lighten. 

Gansey visited every Monday and Friday like clockwork. He kept Ronan apprised to all the goings on of Monmouth and updates on Matthew and Declan. Ronan never asked for them, but he appreciated it regardless. His current obsession though seemed to be a new friend, Adam something. He had been going on for 30 minutes now about how this man single-handedly raised the Pig from the dead. Ronan tuned out most of the conversation, but nodded at what he assumed were appropriate moments while sketching.

“Ronan, are you even paying attention?” Gansey asked, irritation only slightly evident.

“Mmm?” Ronan hummed. “For sure. Pig. Smoke. Some new guy.”

“Essentially. I was saying that Noah and I are heading to his second job, the man works 2 jobs and is getting a masters can you believe it? Anyways Nino’s, so Noah can finally meet him and Blue. Have I mentioned her yet?” 

Blue? He thought. Who the fuck names their kid Blue. “Once or twice.”

“Well they both work this afternoon, so I assume we’ll just hang there until they get off. Then maybe grab a bite. I wish you could come, I’m sure you’d get along nicely with Adam.” Gansey said, choosing to ignore the previous sarcasm and barrell on. Excelsior. 

“Doubt it.” Guy sounds like a douche.

“On that note, thank you for another lovely visit. I’ll see you Monday, Ronan.” Gansey gathered his coat and made his way to the door with a final wave.

Ronan waved back with a single finger and a saccharine “Bye, Dick.” Then shoved his Airpods back into his ears and lost himself in the EMFS playlist.

*****

As Adam gathered the tub of dirty dishes from above the trash and made his way back to wash them, he was lost in thought. These last two weeks, recent events, had been so much and yet he strangely was beginning to feel some semblance of peace. He knew that Blue had wanted him to write letters to help him cope. If he was admitting to it helping, he also needed to be honest with himself in noting that it may have been hurting just as much. He was falling in love with a ghost. A figment of his imagination that he could tell his every secret too, someone who listened without judgment; Someone who never asked more of him than he could handle. It wasn’t healthy, wasn’t what Blue had intended, of that he was sure. But, if it brought him peace and allowed him to sleep without seeing cold, dead eyes, then what was the harm?

He rinsed the mugs and plates loading them efficiently into the dishwasher, and dried his hands. As he moved to toss the towel into the bin, he heard the bell chime above the cafe door. He made his way slowly to the front, knowing that Blue was currently handling the register meant that he didn’t need to rush. On his way down the hallway he stopped to straighten a missing cat flier on the community bulletin board, taking a moment to snap a picture of the cat in question so he could be on the lookout, then continued toward the front; eyes glued to his phone.

He rounded the corner towards the coffee bar to the tune of laughter, it seemed Gansey had arrived. His eyes found Blue first. For all her insistance that she loathed the man in question, she was positively glowing, head tossed back in a hearty laugh. Lost in the bubble of charm Gansey operated in. 

“-And so I asked him, mind you I’ve had a lot to drink at this point, ‘Hey senator, why do you fucking hate poor peo-‘ Oh! Adam” Ganseys story of embarrassing his mother at one of her Republican fundraisers interrupted, as he caught sight of Adam sliding behind the bar.

“Hey Gans,” He smiled. 

“My apologies, this is Noah.” Gansey stepped to the side to reveal the man in question, and Adam’s breath stopped. 

There, eyes blue and wide with shock, mouth agape stood the man from the alley. The one whose scream still haunted Adam in the dark, solitary hours of sleep. The one that began his every nightmare of that night.

He was different now, tears weren’t pouring from his eyes to dance across the plains of his smudgey face. His blonde hair free of blood was slightly tousled, and his clothes were clean, albeit a little disheveled. 

“No,” the word was a broken noise, barely a word at all, closer to a sob. Gansey and Blue looked frantically between the two for what seemed like an eternity before Noah spoke.

“It’s you…” 

“Who? Noah, you know Adam?” Gansey’s voice was quietly confused.

Adam began to shake his head slowly, increasing with speed as his breath finally returned to him; Erratic and wild. Crocodile tears blurred his vision, and he finally croaked a simple question, “What… What was his name?”

“Ronan.”

“Oh, god” Blue breathed. 

Adam ran, desperately fleeing the scene and chorus of his name called from the front. Ronan, his name was Ronan. Adam couldn’t breathe. His pain fresh, an un-mendable wound reopened now that he had a name to grieve. He paused, only long enough to grab his messenger bag from the back, and took the alley door. 

Then he ran, faster than he’d ever remembered running. Tears turning the colors of the world around him to a haunting watercolor. His breath came in painful stabs, each beat of his bleeding heart an excruciating truth.

He somehow made it back to his apartment. The moment the door closed behind him he fell against it and slid to the floor. Ronan Ronan Ronan-

“R-Ronan.” He spoke the name the first time aloud, the feeling of its weight on his tongue was an answer to a question he’d been asking for a month. For a lifetime.

Adam didn’t know how long he sat on the floor, grief taking time and twisting it in on itself. An amalgam of pain, hopelessness, and questions. Gansey, Gansey knew Ronan, knew Noah. Noah the boy he’d last seen carted away in the back of an ambulance covered in red red red. Noah, who’d screamed for help like the world was shattering. Noah, who’d clung tightly to the shredded arms of a bleeding man in a dark alley.

Help me, his mind screamed, his internal voice morphing into Noah’s from that night. 

Help me, I’m not okay…

A key twisting in the lock above his head brought his attention to the present. Adam pushed away from the door, and waited as Blue made her way into his dark apartment. Night had fallen sometime since he’d been here, on the floor, lost in the alley. Lost in a name.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Th-that was-”

“I know. Noah told us after you left. Adam, there’s… Adam. I need to tell you something.”

It was a concentrated effort to drag his gaze from the space between their bodies on the floor to meet her eyes. Lights from the street poured through the window in the living room, painting Blue’s honey warm skin in a haunting glow. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, so he waited. He watched. She brought a trembling hand to his, her brown eyes lined with silver, she squeezed.

“Adam, he’s alive.” 

A sob born of heartbreak and pain tore from his chest, he couldn’t form words. He broke then, completely and wholly. Blue came to cradle his head against her chest as he cried. Every hope he’d killed since the alley came barreling to the surface; All the pain and confusion, love and questions, beating like waves against the shores of his mind. Some minutes later he finally raised his head and met Blue’s eyes, her smile was wet and broken. He dragged his hand under his nose, across his eyes, and finally found the word to the question he needed to ask. “How?”

So Blue told him. Apparently, him finding Noah and Ronan in that alley, the tourniquet he’d made of his scarf, that extra minute he’d bought him had been enough. The doctors were able to stitch his wounds, and though it had been a close call, he’d pulled through. She explained that he’d had a hard life, though Gansey wouldn’t give details because he insisted those were Ronan’s to share when he was ready. He did however give her basic facts. Ronan Niall Lynch is an artist, a senior at Georgetown. He’s an orphan, and a brother. He’s an addict in recovery at a facility in Arlington, and Gansey’s third roommate. 

Blue explained that, when Adam was ready Gansey and Noah wanted to meet with him, to talk more. She offered to accompany him when that time came, but they all agreed they wouldn’t push him until he was ready. “Thank you,” he’d said to Blue. For getting the information. For telling him. For allowing him space. She understood that his history made this difficult, an addict for a soulmate was something he would need time to process. She eventually asked if he wanted to be alone and when he’d told her “yes” she kissed his forehead, and made her way to the door.

“Adam,” she paused, and he looked up. “We’ll wait on your text okay? Whenever you’re ready. But please check in so I know you’re safe.”

“I will.”

With a perfunctory nod she slid back out the door. 

Adam spent another minute in silence before dragging himself from the floor. He made his way in a daze to his desk and he collapsed into his chair. Slowly, he pulled out a blank sheet of paper. 

His hand shook.

He took a deep breath.

He wrote.

V

Ronan,

You’re alive…

**********************

Art Pieces and their correlating songs (linked):

“The Fall”  The War- SYML

“Chase The Void”  For What It’s Worth- Malia J

[imdoingthismspaintadventure]

Worm 2.4 - In which Emma and her friends are utter monsters

“Nobody likes her.  Nobody wants her here,” Julia said.

“Such a loser.  She didn’t even turn in the major project for art, last Friday,” Sophia responded.

“If she’s not going to try, then why is she even coming to school?”

Ooh goodie! This chapter is already starting out fucked!

Despite the way the conversation sounded, they were talking to me.  They were just pretending to talk to one another.  It was both calculating in how they were managing plausible deniability while at the same time they were acting totally juvenile by pretending I wasn’t there.  A blend of immaturity mixed with craftiness in a way only high schoolers could manage.  I would have laughed at the ridiculousness of it, if it hadn’t been at my expense.

Wildbow captures the malignant pettiness of high school bullying so well. This is already making me mad with how ..real it is. The crude but effective phychological abuse.

The moment I had left the classroom, Emma, Madison and Sophia had crowded me into a corner, with another six girls backing them up.  I was unable to squeeze past them without getting pushed or elbowed back, so I couldn’t do much more than lean against the window, listening while eight of the girls were rattling off an endless series of taunts and jibes.  Before one girl was even finished, another started up.  All the while, Emma stayed back and stayed quiet, the slightest of smiles on her face.  I couldn’t meet the eyes of any of the other girls without them barking a fresh torrent of insults directly to my face, so I just glared at Emma.

I bet Emma is just relishing in all the social power she has here, letting her minions do everything for her and just looking amused at Taylor’s expense

Social hierarchy is such a cancerous thing in high school.

“Ugliest girl in our grade.”

They were barely thinking about what they were saying and a lot of the insults were wildly off the mark or contradictory.  One would say I was a slut, for example, then another might say a guy would puke before he touched me.  The point wasn’t being witty, being smart or being on target.  It was more about delivering the feeling behind the words over and over, hammering it in.  If I’d had just a moment to butt in, maybe I could have come up with retorts.  If I could just kill their momentum, they probably wouldn’t get back into the easy rhythm again.  That said, I couldn’t find the words, and there weren’t any openings in the conversation where I wouldn’t just be talked over.

They are taking the approach of trying to land as many hits as possible, without even bothering for coherency or effectiveness. Just a nice way for them to say to her how much they fucking loathe her.

Lovely

While this particular tactic was new to me, I’d been putting up with stuff like this for a year and a half, now.  At a certain point, I’d come to the conclusion that it was easier to sit back and take it, when it came to most things.  They wanted me to fight back, because everything was stacked in their favor.  If I stood up for myself and they still ‘won’, then it only served to feed their egos.  If I came out ahead in some way, then they got more persistent and mean for the next time.  So for much the same reason I hadn’t fought Madison for the homework she had taken from me, I just leaned against the wall next to the window and waited for them to get bored with their game or get hungry enough to leave and go have their lunches.

Ugghghghghghghg

The whole situation is just horrible. If she fights back they would call her crazy or dangerous or pathetic and they will intensify their abuse. But just taking it like this can’t be good for her psyche, with all the constant and relentless aggresion.

“What does she use to wash her face?  A Brillo pad?”

“She should!  She’d look better!”

“Never talks to anybody.  Maybe she knows she sounds like a retard and keeps her mouth shut.”

“No, she’s not that smart.”

No more than three feet behind Emma, I could see Mr. Gladly leaving his classroom.  The tirade didn’t stop as I watched him tuck a stack of folders under one arm, find his keys and lock the door.

“If I were her, I’d kill myself,” one of the girls announced.

Mr. Gladly turned to look me in the eyes.

First off, that kys comment made me considerably even more disgusted

Second, Mr Gladly, you can see it happening, right now! Please do something! Even if it is just breaking this up with your presence.

“So glad we don’t have gym with her.  Can you imagine seeing her in the locker room?  Gag me with a spoon.”

I don’t know what expression I had on my face, but I know I didn’t look happy.  No less than five minutes ago, Mr. Gladly had been trying to convince me to go with him to the office and tell the principal about the bullying.  I watched him as he gave me a sad look, shifted the file folders to his free hand and then walked away.

GLADLY YOU INCREDIBLE PIECE OF SHIT

Way to prove how ineffective the school system would be, with just a single action

Most friendly and approachable teacher? More like most utterly spineless coward

I was stunned.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around how he could just ignore this.  When he had been trying to help me, had he just been covering his own ass, doing what was required of him in the face of a situation he couldn’t ignore?  Had he just given up on me?  After trying to help, in his own completely ineffective way, after I turned his offer for help down twice, he just decided I just wasn’t worth the effort?

I really hope Gladly isn’t just rationalizing this as being fine because Taylor refused his help. Because that ISNT HOW THAT WORKS

YOU’RE A GROWN-ASS ADULT, YOU SHOULD KNOW NOT TO LIMPLY WALK AWAY FROM A GROUP OF STUDENTS ABUSING ANOTHER STUDENT TO THE POINT OF CALLING FOR HER SUICIDE. EVEN IF SHE REFUSES YOUR HELP, IT IS YOUR DUTY AS HER TEACHER AND AS A FUCKING HUMAN BEING

“You should have seen her group fail in class just now.  It was painful to watch.”

OH AND YOU ALL CAN ALSO GO TO HELL WITH THE ASSIGNMENT BULLSHIT

I clenched my fist, then forced myself to relax it.  If we were all guys, this scenario would be totally different.  I was in the best shape of my life.  I could have swung a few punches from the very start, caused a bloody nose or two, maybe.  I know I would have lost the fight in the end, getting shoved to the ground by force of numbers and kicked while I was down, but things would have ended there, instead of dragging on like they were here.  I’d hurt physically for days afterwards, but I’d at least have had the satisfaction of knowing some of the others were hurting too, and I wouldn’t have to sit through this barrage of insults.  If there was enough damage done, the school would have to take notice, and they wouldn’t be able to ignore the circumstances of a one-against-nine fight.  Violence gets attention.

But things didn’t work that way here.  Girls played dirty.  If I decked Emma, she would run to the office with some fabricated story, her friends backing up her version of events.  For most, ratting to the faculty was social suicide, but Emma was more or less top dog.  If she went to the principal, people would only take things more seriously.  By the time I got back to school, they would have spread the story through the grapevine in a way that made me look like a total psycho.  Things would get worse.  Emma would be seen as the victim and girls who had previously ignored the bullying would join in on Emma’s behalf.

One of the reasons why psychological abuse is so much more insidious than phisical abuse in  many cases. It is so much harder to fight against.

“And she smells,” one girl said, lamely.

“Like expired grape and orange juice,” Madison cut in with a little laugh.  Again, bringing up the juice?  I suspected that one had been her idea.

Madison, fuck off

It seemed like they were running out of steam.  I figured it was just a minute or two before they got bored and walked away.

It seemed Emma got the same impression, because she stepped forward.  The group parted to give her room.

“What’s the matter, Taylor?”  Emma said, “You look upset.”

Emma, fuck off

Her words didn’t seem to fit the situation.  I had maintained my composure for however long they had been at it.  What I’d been feeling was more a mixture of frustration and boredom than anything else.  I opened my mouth to say something.  A graceless “Fuck you” would have sufficed.

That Taylor is so jaded that this doesn’t even affect her that much is so fucking depressing

“So upset you’re going to cry yourself to sleep for a straight week?” she asked.

My words died in my throat as I processed her words.

.....You just pulled some psychological bullshit didn’t you?

Almost a year before we had started high school, I had been at her house, the both of us eating breakfast and playing music way too loud. Emma’s older sister had come downstairs with the phone.  We’d turned down the music, and my dad had been on the other end, waiting to tell me in a broken voice that my mom had died in a car accident

....Oh no. No no no no

I see what Emma might have just done and it is fucking evil

And this confirms that her mom died instead of her and Danny just breaking up...Fuck

Emma’s sister had given me a ride to my place, and I bawled the entire way there.  I remember Emma crying too, out of sympathy, maybe.  It could have been the fact that she thought my mom was the coolest adult in the world.  Or perhaps it was because we really were best friends and she had no idea how to help me.

....What happened to you Emma? What made you so fucked up? How did you change so much. You cried about her mom, you were or at least seemed decent once!

I didn’t want to think about the month that had followed, but fragments came to mind without my asking.  I could remember overhearing my dad berating my mother’s body, because she’d been texting while driving, and she was the only one to blame.  At one point, I barely ate for five straight days, because my dad was such a wreck that I wasn’t on his radar. I’d eventually turned to Emma for help, asking to eat at her place for a few days.  I think Emma’s mom figured things out, and gave my dad a talking to, because he started pulling things together.  We’d established our routine, so we wouldn’t fall apart as a family again.

Knowing Danny he probably blamed himself more than he blamed her. And he shutting down like that... oh god.

And the fact that Emma was a shining light in all this is just so... twisted

Now Taylor doesn’t even have the moments of respite and support from that anymore. When Emma betrayed her, she betrayed her completely and utterly. These memories are retroactively tainted because of her

It was a month after my mom had died that Emma and I had found ourselves sitting on the bridge of a kid’s play structure in the park, our rear ends cold from the damp wood, sipping coffee we’d bought from the Donut Hole.  We didn’t have anything to do, so we had just been walking around and talking about whatever.  Our wandering had taken us to the playground, and we were resting our heels.

“You know, I admire you,” she had said, abruptly.

This sad and beautifully bitterweet memory, absolutely corrupted

“Why?” I had responded, completely mystified about the fact that someone gorgeous and amazing and popular like her could find something to admire in me.

“You’re so resilient.  After your mom died, you were totally in pieces, but you’re so together after a month.  I couldn’t do that.”

Past Emma makes me rage and fucking cry.

She honesly seemed like a good friend and isn’t that terrifying? That a close friend, a trusted friend, could backstab you like that?

I could remember my admission, “I’m not resilient.  I can hold it together during the day, but I’ve cried myself to sleep for a straight week.”

That had been enough to open the floodgates, right there.  She gave me her shoulder to cry on, and our coffee was cold before I was done.

AND THERE IT FUCKING IS

Emma you fucking monster

How dare you

Now, as I gaped at Emma, wordless, her smile widened.  She remembered what I had said, then.  She knew the memories it would evoke.  At some point, that recollection had crossed her mind, and she had decided to weaponize it.  She’d been waiting to drop it on me.

You’re so fucking repulsive

Fuck me, it worked.  I felt the trail of a tear on my cheek.  My power roared at the edges of my consciousness, buzzing, pressuring me. I suppressed it.

“She is!  She’s crying!”  Madison laughed.

Angry at myself, I rubbed my hand over my cheek to brush the tear away.  More were already welling up, ready to take its place.

“It’s like you have a superpower, Emma!” one of the girls tittered.

You all better be thankful you’re not bug food at this point

I had taken off my backpack so I could lean against the wall.  I reached to pick it up, but before I could, a foot hooked through the strap and dragged it away from me. I looked up and saw the owner of the foot – dark skinned, willowy Sophia – smirking at me.

“Oh em gee!  What’s she doing?” one of the girls said.

Sophia was leaning against the wall, one foot casually resting on top of my backpack.  I didn’t think it was worth fighting her over, if it gave her an opportunity to continue her game of keep-away.  I left the bag where it was and shoved my way through the gathered girls, bumping an onlooker with my shoulder hard enough to make him stumble.  I ran into the stairwell and out the doors on the ground floor.

Ok Sophia you can go die as well.

What an absolutely horrible group of people, holy shit.

I fled.  I didn’t check, but chances were they were watching from the window at the end of the hallway.  It didn’t really matter.  The fact that I had just promised to pay thirty five bucks of my own money for a World Issues textbook to replace the one that had been soaked with grape juice wasn’t my top concern.  Even if it was pretty much all the money I had left after buying the pieces for my costume.  My art midterm was in my bag as well, newly repaired.  I knew I wouldn’t get any of it back in one piece, if at all.

God this feels so hopeless.

The school is watching this and seeing how it’s making her miss classes and violate deadlines and they do nothing

No, my primary concern was getting out of there.  I wasn’t going to break the promise I had made to myself.  No using powers on them.  That was the line I wasn’t crossing.  Even if I did something utterly innocuous, like give them all lice, I didn’t trust myself to stop there.  I didn’t trust myself to keep from offering blatant hints that I had powers or spoiling my secret identity just to see the looks on their faces when they realized the girl they had been tormenting was a bona-fide superhero.  It was something I couldn’t help but daydream about, but I knew the long term ramifications would spoil that.

That is a sweet revenge fantasy, but yeah, compromising your secret identity isn’t worth it. There’s already a crazy dragon who wants you dead if he ever escapes

Perhaps most important, I rationalized, was keeping the two worlds separate.  What use was escapism, if the world I was escaping to was muddled with the people and things I was trying to avoid?

I feel you there, Taylor.

Even without any problems like you have, I would cringe if my different worlds (university, family, friends, online...) collided

Before the thought of going back to school had even crossed my mind, I found myself wondering what I was going to do to fill my afternoon.

...You’re totally going to consider TT’s proposal right now, aren’t you?

[broadstreetmisfits]

Antlers - Tyler Seguin

Requested?  Y  /  N

Prompt: N/A

Warnings: Swearing

WC: 1,439

You were slouched on your couch watching some cheesy old TV show that you were a sucker for when all of a sudden your view of the TV was blocked. After blinking a few times, you quickly realized that it was your fiance, Tyler.

“Ty, you’re great and all, but can you please move? I’m trying to watch this movie”

He turned around and you noticed he had a large box in his hands. “Oh, sorry. Just seeing what you’re watching. I’ll move out of your way.” He stated, walked a few feet away and then put the box down.

At first, you decided not to question why he had brought the box over, but after he walked past your view of the television four or five times, carrying a box or two each time, you spoke up.

“Uh Tyler, whatcha doing there?” You asked

He looked down at the boxes and then over at you. “Getting the Christmas decorations out”

“Why are you doing that?”

“Because it’s the Christmas season, duh,” Tyler said as if it was obvious

“You do know it’s November first, right?”

“But it’s Christmas season”

“It’s only November first” You repeated

“But it’s Christmas season” He replied

“Christmas season doesn’t start until December.”

“No, it starts as soon as November hits”

“Dude it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet”

His eyebrows furrowed “What are you talking about? Thanksgiving was last month”

“No, it’s in a few weeks,” You said. But as soon as the words fell from your mouth, you had the realization “Oh shit I keep forgetting you’re Canadian”

“Why? Is it because I don’t eat maple syrup straight from the tree?” He suggests

You shook your head “Nah, I think it’s because you don’t apologize ever three seconds.”

“But anyway, do you wanna help me decorate?” Tyler asked

“We’re not decorating until December hits”

“But why noootttt?” He whined

“Because December is when Christmas season starts”

Tyler let out a long groan “Fineee” He added before he dramatically stomped away.

For the next few days, Tyler would constantly beg you to decorate the house with him. In fact, when you and Tyler would be in the same room for only a half of an hour, he would have asked you at least three or four times. Obviously, you had gotten annoyed with him begging and pleading for the decorations to go up, so you eventually gave in. However as soon as you said yes to him, you immediately regretted the idea.

A huge grin formed on his face and he dashed away from where you were. He then returned and was carrying a few boxes. Once he set them down, he looked over at you.

“Let’s get this thing started, huh?”

“Let’s just get this thing over with” You sighed

Tyler opened the first box and the two of you start taking out all of the decorations that were in there. As you took each decoration out of the box and spread them out on the floor, you examined each one to see what it was. Confusion spread on your face as you lifted a giant Santa head from the box.

“Um, Ty?” You began “What’s this?”

He turned around to look at what you were holding. As soon as he saw what it was, he started to giggle. “That’s a toilet seat cover”

Your mouth and nose scrunched up when you heard this “That is absolutely disgusting”

“How? It’s so adorable”

“This is the ugliest decoration I have ever seen in my entire life.”

“What are you talking about? He’s so cute”

“It’s the ugliest decoration I have seen in my entire life” You repeated, “We aren’t putting this thing out for anyone to see.”

“Come on pleeeeaaaaseeee” He begged

“No, I want our guests to do their business in the toilet, not in their pants when they get scared shitless of this thing”

Tyler let out a little groan before giving in “Fineee”

A few minutes later, you two got the decorations out of all of the boxes. The only boxes you hadn’t touched yet were the ones that held the Christmas lights and tree ornaments. There was no point in taking the contents out of its box if the ornaments did not have a tree to go on.

Once all of the boxes were empty, both of you started to sort through the decorations and deciding which of them you wanted to display. According to Tyler, each decoration should be put out, but since unlike him, you had common sense, you put away all of the ridiculous and disturbing decorations.

“You can’t put that one away Y/N! It’s one of my favorites” Tyler whined

“Really? It’s a little figure of Santa with his ass out.”

“That’s what makes it so great”

“We’re not putting other people through the torture of having to see this… this… this thing” You said as you walked over to the box and put the figurine in it.

After about an hour and a half of sorting through the decorations, you had figured out which ones were staying out and which ones were going back into the attic. It would have taken a lot less time if Tyler didn’t try to argue with you when you tried putting any sort of decoration back.

“Hey Ty, can you start wrapping the holly garland around the railing while I start on the kitchen?” You asked

“Yeah, sure” He agreed and took the long garland down the hallway.

You grabbed a few decorations such as the cookie jars and the bowls. It took you a few trips, but once you got all of the correct decorations into the kitchen, you were ready to start. To start, you replaced the normal cookie jars with the ones decorated like Santa, a reindeer, and a penguin. Moving on, you replaced the regular winter towels with Christmas towels and doing the same for the bowls. You were in the middle of hanging a wreath when you heard a crash from the hallway.

“Ty?” You asked, making your voice loud enough so that he could hear you

“I’m fine!” He yelled back. You then heard a bunch of rustling and his voice again “Uh actually, I need some help”

Walking down the hallway, you stopped when you reached the bottom of the staircase. You looked around, but Tyler was nowhere to be found. However, there was a pile of the holly garland on the floor.

“Tyler?” You asked as you continued to look around

“I uh er um… I’m down here” He spoke

You looked down at the holly garland on the floor. After moving a few pieces of the garland, you found Tyler’s head poking through. Even though you tried to suppress it, you couldn’t help but burst out in laughter.

“How did you manage to do this?” You asked once you were able to compose yourself.

“Well, if you get me out of here, I’ll explain” Tyler grumbled

You started to take the garland off of Tyler. Somehow, he managed to wrap the garland around himself multiple times before it all piled up on top of him. When he was finally free, he stood up and faced you.

“Thanks, that was kinda embarrassing”

“Well, are you gonna tell me how you got in that situation or not?” You asked as you crossed your arms over your chest

He ran his fingers through his hair before he spoke. “Yeah, uh I was trying to wrap the railing on the staircase with the garland but somehow ended up wrapping the garland around myself. I lost my balance and fell, and then the rest of the garland fell on top of me.”

“Why am I not surprised?” You questioned as you turned around and walked back to the kitchen

Tyler and yourself got finished decorating an hour or so later. The only thing left to do was to decorate the tree, but you two hadn’t gotten a tree yet so that would have to be postponed. So, you laid back down on the couch in the family room and began watching yet another cheesy romance movie.

That is until Gerry came.

You heard the jingle from his collar as he walked down the hall and into the family room. But you were startled out of your mind when you saw him at first.”He looked like Max from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

“Tyler!” You yelled, “Did you put antlers on the dog?”

Moments later, Tyler walked into the family room with a cheesy grin on his face. “Maybe”

“Of course you did” You sighed

[favouriteentertainer-blog]

Chapter 1 - Never Seen Me Coming

“And what if love is lonely”

“Hmmmmm,” I replied to what Daniel was saying, I hadn’t been listening, but I knew he’d been rambling about something unimportant.

“Are you even listening to me?” He questioned, noticing that I was more enamoured with what was happening outside the cafe, rather than the words falling from his mouth.

I turned away from the window and smiled curtly, “of course I am babe.” I reached over and reassuringly brushed his knuckles with my thumb. I was good at lying, I had been good at lying for almost 3 months.

He smiled back—genuinely. A familiar sense of sadness panged in my chest—I was hurting him, and he didn’t even know it. Was I cheating? No. Was I thinking about cheating? Definitely not. I just wasn’t happy and I wasn’t investing my time in him. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d made me laugh or the last time I’d properly listened to what he’d had to say. We had drifted apart—we wanted different things and neither of us was making any effort to change. But I was the worse of the two parties, at least he was still trying to love me—I was a horrible human being and I wanted so badly to change.

I was too busy focusing on myself and the regret I had for treating him like shit that I didn’t even notice he’d started talking again. “Daniel—"I interrupted him, I decided it was time to finally do the right thing. “I have to break up with you.” My cheeks were flushing red as all the blood in my body rushed to my face. My heart was beating a mile a minute and suddenly the wool sweater I was wearing was the itchiest it had ever been.

“What?” He blinked a few times and I watched regretfully as the colour drained from his face.

The waiter who’d been cleaning the table next to ours winced—Daniel didn’t notice, but I did. I hung my head in shame, he’d probably seen us there at least twice a week.

“I’m sorry,” I spoke the words so quietly they were almost inaudible. “I just don’t love you anymore and I’ve tried but I can’t, I don’t want to live this lie anymore.” I was such a horrendous person I couldn’t even bring myself to cry—but not him, no, he was on the verge of tears.

“You don’t mean that do you?” He reached out for my hand.

“I’m sorry—“ I pulled away with lightning speed, “I do.”

He looked so ashamed of himself—but it wasn’t his fault, it was mine, wholeheartedly mine.

“And what if love is lonely.” He shook his head in disappointment as he recited one of his favourite quotes. “God,” he pushed the seat away from the table, he was still shaking his head “fuck.” He muttered as he fumbled for his coat, “I have to go.”

I didn’t try to stop him I just nodded. “I’m sorry,” I repeated myself, it was all I knew how to say in these kinds of situations.

The waiter who had been ardently polishing the table for way longer than he should have been looked towards me. “Is he going to be okay?” He asked boldly—as if it were his business.

I scoffed, “I don’t think so.”

“You’ve wanted to do that for months.” He said pointedly, “so why didn’t you do it earlier?” Again, he was asking questions he didn’t need the answers to.

“I’m sorry but that’s none of your business,” I retorted—who did he think he was?

“I’m sorry,” he shook his head, “I know it’s none of my business, I’ve just been watching you two for months now. You’re the only couple who ever come in here regularly, it’s hard not to notice the way you’ve changed over time.”

I was struck by his comment, “that’s really fucking weird—“ I squinted to take a look at his name tag “Zayn.”

He smiled, “not as weird as you think—I’m a behavioural science major, it’s kind of my job.”

“Sounds like a fake degree.” I joked it was better than my media communications major.

“Oh yeah? And what do you study then?” He arched an eyebrow.

I bit my lip nervously—I’d shot myself in the foot. “Media communications.”

“Ha!” He cackled, “yeah, my degree is definitely the fake one.” He shot a cheeky wink my way.

I couldn’t help but laugh—I’d just broken up with my boyfriend and I was laughing with the waiter of my on campus coffee shop. I slapped my palm to the middle of my forehead. “I am a horrible human being.” I groaned. “Horrible, horrible, horrible.”

“Look—if you want my opinion, not that it matters. I think you broke up with him mentally a while ago. You’ve already been through all the stages of guilt, you’re not a horrible person for not feeling bad about it. Take your time out now to figure out what you really want from life.”

I blinked in surprise, he’d really made some sense of it all. “Fuck, you really are a behavioural scientist hey?”

“I should fucking hope so. Look if you wanna sit for a bit that’s cool, but when you decide to leave don’t worry about the bill, it’s on me.” He gave me a genuine smile and finally stopped pretending to polish the damn table. “I’ll see you around.”

—

I lay still in my bed, staring up at my bedroom ceiling. The ominous glow from my salt lamp was keeping me awake, but I didn’t have the energy to get up and turn it off. The weight of disappointment was running me dry—I was so damn upset with myself. Not because of what I’d done to Dan the poor soul, but because I’d spent my whole afternoon thinking about the damn barista.

Zayn had made a good point, I had already broken up with Daniel months ago in my mind. Each day I spent with him was out of pity, not love. As bad as it sounded I knew it was true—but I also knew it was wrong to have another guy on my mind so soon after.

I kept trying to tell myself that it was okay—it was perfectly reasonable to find people attractive, but he was just—just not what I needed. I mentally tried to shut out the thought of him, but I couldn’t. His stupid brown eyes and unnecessarily sharp jaw line kept popping up without notice.

I picked up a pillow from beside me and shoved it into my face, letting out a little scream in the process—why was I like this?!

I made a mental note to try and avoid the cafe. I needed to make sure that I drummed it out of my head, even if that meant walking a few hundred metres extra to get some coffee.

My phone chirped from beside me, I reached down to get it from my bedroom floor. I hadn’t gotten round to procuring some bedside tables so there was an extension cord running from one corner of my room to the bed so that I could charge my phone.

“Aj: Come and watch a movie with me I am bored.”

I sighed and rolled over. It was only 10pm and there was no way I was going to sleep before 3am—not to mention I really needed a distraction. I also hadn’t told AJ about my break up with Dan yet, so I was going to have to do that and the odds of him having made food were high. I was damn hungry, I’d been too upset with myself to bother doing anything when I got back home—so I did what I do best and I just lay in my bed.

My best friend was lovely, but what he lacked was empathy. I could tell him that my granny died and he’d just nod and say “gosh why do people have to die?” and then start telling me about his last male conquest—it was indeed something. He did, however, have the talent of being honest with you no matter how sorry you were feeling for yourself, so I knew I had to see him.

I didn’t bother to change, he was only two flights of stairs away and security had seen me at my ugliest, so I was fine. I shoved on a pair of slides and grabbed my house key before trudging out the door.

-

“You look like shit,” AJ spoke bluntly as he opened the door—he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, a yellow t-shirt and a blue robe.

“Fuck you.” I pushed past him and made my way towards his room. “Your apartment smells like crap—“ I gagged, it honestly smelt like someone had died.

“Yeahhhhh—“ he sighed heavily, “I was only gone for the weekend and someone left raw chicken in the bin and now Andrea is refusing to take them out because she’s a vegetarian.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “so I guess you’ll have to take them out then?” He was always pulling the weight for his flat and that’s why they took advantage.

“Like always,” he rolled his eyes, “everyone in this damn apartment is useless.” He ushered me into his room and away from the putrid smell.

“You give them the upper hand” I shrugged, “it’s your own fault.” I shut his room door behind me before plopping myself down on the edge of his bed.

“Sooooo.” I waited for him to sit down at his desk.

“Mmmm?” He hummed in curiosity as he opened his laptop and loaded up Netflix.

“I broke up with Dan,” I spoke so fast it sounded like I had verbal diarrhoea.

“Wait—“ he snapped his laptop closed, “you finally broke up with that boring piece of crap and what it only took you TWO years?” His mouth hung open as he stared at me intently waiting for the gossip.

“Stop!” He didn’t deserve AJ trash talking him, especially because he did nothing wrong. “He didn’t do anything bad, I just fell out of love.”

“What is love?” He raised an eyebrow in question. “We’re only 21, I doubt we know what it means yet.” He grabbed his water bottle to take a sip.

He was right, I don’t think I was ever entirely in love with Dan. If I were I imagine it would’ve felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest right now.

“I dunno, I just feel bad—like I can’t fault him. I broke up with him in the damn coffee shop.” I decided to omit the whole bonding with Zayn part afterwards, he’d make a big deal out of it.

“You can’t but I definitely can. The guy was boring, he always told you off for wanting to go out and have fun, he never joined in and he ALWAYS stared at other girls’ asses.” He slammed his water bottle down dramatically.

“Well—“ I looked down at my sad excuse for a bum, “I don’t blame him!”

“Oh my God!” AJ rolled his eyes, “he was gross, you are much better off now.”

“Bleeeeeh,” I let myself fall back onto his bed. “I’m not even sad, I should be sad.” I still couldn’t get over how emotionally drained I was.

“Can we stop talking about this—“ he silenced me, “there is no need to be sad and I want to watch my movie, so can we get on with it?” There it was, his lack of empathy and brutal honesty, rolled into one.

I waved my hand in the air, motioning for him to proceed. “Do you have any food?” I asked meekly, my poor soul was in need some of some charity.

“Yeah I made chicken curry and rice, you need to heat it up yourself tho.” He loaded up The Avengers and I literally rolled off his bed.

“God bless you.” I patted him on the head, “you are a golden child.”

He smacked my hand away, “by the way.” He stopped me before I could go into the kitchen. “My cousin is coming to stay this week, his girlfriend kicked him out two weeks ago and he hasn’t found a place to stay.”

“Shame, but what do I have to do with this?” I asked curiously. Too bad for the guy, I guess it was the season of breakups.

“Well number one, you can’t sleep here this week, and two we’re going out for dinner on Wednesday.” I was sad about the sleeping part. Whenever Dan wasn’t staying over at mine, I’d take refuge on AJ’s blow up mattress in the corner of his room so that I wouldn’t feel lonely. I had very bad anxiety when it came to being alone. I always needed to be with someone, but I was trying my best to work on it. I think that’s why I stayed with Dan for so long, because I was afraid of being alone.

“Yeah whatever, just tell me when to meet you.”

—

“Oh God—“ I spoke with my mouth full as I stared down at the caller ID on my phone.

“What?” AJ paused the movie and stared at me.

“Look who it is!” I swallowed the barely chewed food and motioned for him to look at the phone that was vibrating against my thigh.

“Ugh.” He shot me a look of disgust as Dan’s name flashed across the screen. “I always told you, you weren’t suited to him.”

“Why?” I rolled my eyes, he just couldn’t understand that it was me, not Dan that was the issue.

“Because he is an overly sensitive white boy who likes to silence you when you explain your culture to him, he wouldn’t even try seeing things from your perspective.” He aggressively unwrapped a mini milka and shoved it in his mouth.

“Okay so I tried explaining cultural appropriation to him once and he didn’t get it what’s the big deal?” My phone was still ringing.

“I think that in itself says a lot. Let alone him playing the ‘I’m not racist, my girlfriend is Indian’ card, fuck that.”

“Okay,” I admitted, “that was wrong, but he wasn’t racist—he was just ignorant.” Saying that out loud made me realise how wrong I was. “Oh—“ I paused “I see what you mean! But I honestly don’t think he ever meant harm.” I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but there were definitely times where he said things and I had to pause for a second and think “wow, what should I say?” Like when he said refugees were lying about why they wanted to enter the UK and that’s why we needed to leave the EU—I almost had an aneurysm explaining that situation to him. Or whenever he would tell me that he loved that he was dating me because I didn’t look Indian, I looked “exotic.” At the time it didn’t seem weird but reflecting on it made me really uncomfortable.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “You had to fall out of ‘love’ for a reason.”

The phone stopped ringing.