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#but it will still get a little sadder=')
spicyvampire · 20 days
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Great's Dying Brain vs Reality: Tyme being very knowledgeable
4MINUTES (2024) EP. 3 // EP. 6
+ Bonus :
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backpackingspace · 2 months
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I just really think we glossed over eurylochus's confession and the mutiny in thunder saga. Like first off no reaction from odysseus at all?? And then after being stabbed and over thrown and (I assume) tied up all odysseus has to say is my head hurts? And then eurylochus is reverting to calling odysseus childhood nick names??
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jasontoddenthusiastt · 8 months
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Jason never got to be 16. makes me sad.
Not to deny that Jason not being able to make it to 16 in his first life is sad, but I mean he did technically end up making it, and he made it to 17 and 18 and 21 and so on and so forth, it just happened "in round two" so to speak.
What I think is sadder though, is that depending on whether he was 15 or 14 years old when this happened:
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There are one of two ways he would've spent his sixteenth year.
Option 1 (if he was 15 at the time of his ressurection):
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(This is 1 year post initial hospitalization)
Or Option 2 (if he was 14 at the time of his ressurection):
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(And this is 2 years post initial hospitalization, 1 year post escape from that facility)
Happy sweet 16th, Jason John Doe #265 :)
Batman Annual (1961-) #25
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avirael · 3 months
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The Frozen Lake
It was the third day since he had stopped feeling like dying.
About a week ago he had woken up from his far too lifelike fever dream and a few days later the last spikes of the fever itself had been gone too just like the hallucinations it had brought in his sleep.
He still had been sick though and welcomed Rael telling him to stay in bed until he was perfectly healthy again all too eagerly.
While he still sneezed every now and then, it was at least tolerable now, still annoying but he didn’t feel incredibly uncomfortable anymore.
That day, just like the last and also the ones before that, he had awoken late. Against Rael’s order to stay in bed he had found the courage to get up and take a look out of the window. It was a sunny day, which in Coerthas still meant that it was bitterly cold though. But the sun was shining brightly and already high in the sky too which meant it had to be almost midday. He had slept way too long again, way to many hours for a surprisingly dreamless sleep. Or maybe it was exactly the lack of dreams that allowed him to finally rest, after all in the past there rarely had been good ones…
For a moment he considered to go downstairs and ask for a late breakfast if that wasn’t too insolent given the late hour but then a knock sounded from the door.
Quickly he hurried back to bed, just in case it was Rael, but the person who carefully peeked into the room a few seconds later wasn’t a viera.
“Ah, you are awake! That’s good!”, Haurchefant exclaimed happily and brought a small tray with hot soup and also something warm to drink. “It is so late already, you must be horribly hungry. Alphinaud checked in on you earlier but you were still fast asleep and he didn’t have the heart to wake you.”
A little uncertain on how to answer to that, A’viloh just nodded. Haurchefant grinned, put down a mug on the bedside table and handed A‘viloh a comfortingly warm bowl filled with some rather delicious smelling stew.
Instead of fetching the chair from the small desk by the window, Haurchefant sat down at the lower end of the bed balancing the tray with his own lunch on his knees. Rael once told him that ishgardian society had an absurd amount of strict and antiquated rules and so A’viloh couldn’t help but wonder, that although it seemed like a very appropriate distance to him, in Haurchefant’s hometown the fact alone that he dared to sit on someone else’s bed was probably scandalous.
“I hope you don’t mind me having lunch with you.”, the Elezen asked as he noticed A‘viloh staring.
Quickly the Miqo’te lowered his gaze to his bowl of soup. “Not at all.”, he muttered and tried a spoonful of the food just to change the topic. “Mhh, this is very good!”, he mumbled, still chewing, surprised by how good this really was compared to the bland food and bitter teas Rael had usually brought him these last few days. It must have been the Viera’s way of punishing him for running away.
Haurchefant laughed and then for a while they ate in silence.
“You look a lot healthier already.”, the Elezen stated after a while with an amiable smile on his face before taking a sip from his mug.
A‘viloh shrugged a little embarrassed, since it had been his own fault that he hadn’t been well in the first place. “Only because all of you took so good care of me.”
Haurchefant nodded. “You know, you had us all horribly worried right?”
“Sorry about that.”, he said and guitily looked into his mug.
Curiously Haurchefant eyed him for a moment. “Why did you do that anyway? Run out into the storm.”
A bit surprised A’viloh looked up. Had they all thought he had done this on purpose? “There wasn’t a storm when I left! What do I know about weather? I didn’t expect it to start snowing, let alone that much!”
That made the Elezen chuckle again but he still looked at him expecting an answer.
“Still… why did you leave?”
“I assumed Rael told you…”, A’viloh replied not sure what Haurchefant wanted to hear exactly. He nodded. “Rael did. But maybe I want to hear it from you…”
A’viloh sighed. His plan hadn’t been very smart and he felt a little uncomfortable having to explain his reasons to someone else, when in retrospect it didn’t make much sense even to his own ears.
“You know the… circumstances under which we fled Ul’dah… I couldn’t… um… the fact that we didn’t even know what happened to our friends… I wanted to find out, because it doesn’t seem fair to me that we escaped while all of them didn’t…”
“Mhh…”, Haurchefant nodded thoughtfully but let go off the topic for now. Instead he asked, „And how are you feeling today?”
Somehow that question confused A’viloh even more.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s a simple question, isn’t it?”, he said still smiling politely.
Of course it was a simple question. Just the answer felt unreasonable complicated to him. To make things even more difficult people who asked such a question usually wanted to hear “I‘m fine, and you?” or “Very good, thank you.” for an answer and rarely the truth. They certainly didn’t want to hear “A few days ago I was convinced I was going to die and honestly it wasn’t that bad, so now I‘m still not sure wether I am happy to still be alive or not”.
“Alright… I guess.”, he mumbled instead. He had never been a good liar and could only hope that this fact wasn’t too obvious for the Elezen.
“You know what?”, Haurchefant proclaimed after watching him thoughtfully for a second. “Today is a wonderful day. We should go for a walk.”
“A walk?!”, A’viloh exclaimed wide-eyed, as if he had just asked something unreasonable of him.
“Why not?”
A’viloh couldn’t think of a good reason why not, other than that he was supposed to stay in bed, so he shrugged.
“Where’s Rael?”, he asked instead.
Haurchefant smirked. “Do you need Rael’s permission to go outside?”
“Of course not.”, the Miqo’te protested. “But Rael will be mad if I run off again, especially against their orders to stay in bed.”
“Rael and Alphinaud went to the observatory earlier.”, Haurchefant explained. “We’ll be back before they are, I promise.”
What was A’viloh supposed to say against that and also against the expectant look on the Elezen’s face. He took another glimpse towards the window and decided that it looked nice enough to go outside.
“Fine.”
“Good!”, Haurchefant exclaimed happily and collected their empty bowls and mugs. “There should be warm clothes for you in the wardrobe. If you need anything else just ask someone. I’ll wait for you by the northern gate.”
After Haurchefant had left, A’viloh remained sitting in his bed for a moment longer contemplating on the Elezen’s question. Yes, he felt better again. But better in what comparison? Better than a few days ago when he had felt and also been half-dead? Though he didn’t feel sick anymore now, there still was a weigh on his heart. From his plan that had failed so spectacularly and even more so from the dreams he wouldn’t have minded to keep on dreaming forever.
Vehemently he shook his head and decided not to think about that now or he would just crawl back under the blanket of his comfortably warm bed again. Instead he got up and took a look into the wardrobe. Almost none of these were his own clothes of course since all he possessed were the ones he had worn on his body that day they fled Ul’dah. Very unsuitable for this climate. But neither did he see the borrowed clothes he had worn that night when he had tried to run away. Everything in here looked even softer and warmer like someone had wanted to make sure he was feeling comfortable. To his surprise the things didn’t look that much too big for him either, unlike his last set of clothes. Besides a few Hyur most people here at Camp Dragonhead were grown up Elezen but these clothes looked like they belonged to neither. Maybe it were clothes for Elezen children, he wondered and also thought that in that case someone must have brought them here just for him.
Grateful for so much effort he picked a few pieces and got dressed. Lazily he ran his fingers through his hair to get rid of the worst knots but the look into the small mirror at the washbasin, where his tired face stared back at him reproachfully, just made him sigh. Once he was ready he took the warm coat out of the wardrobe too and went out to look for Haurchefant. Just as he had said, the Elezen was standing by the gate that led to the north-east, towards the ruins of the Steel Vigil.
From afar Haurchefant already recognised the Miqo’te, his bright red hair a singularity among all the people living here. Pleasantly smiling as always he waved at him and A’viloh couldn’t help but smile a little too and wave back as he hurriedly walked towards him.
“There you are! I see the clothes fit you nicely.”
A’viloh nodded.
“They do. Thank you very much for these.”
Haurchefant dismissively waved with one hand. “It’s the least I could do…”
But he had done a lot more than that, A’viloh thought. “I think there’s more I need to thank you for. Rael told me it was you who saved my life.”
“Mhhh…”, Haurchefant tilted his head as if he wasn’t sure if this statement was entirely the truth. “Rael is too humble. They played a bit of a role in that too. After all it was Rael who noticed you were gone. And it was also Rael who didn’t leave your bedside and tried their best to heal you.”
A’viloh remembered waking up and finding the usually quite touch-averse viera cuddled up to him with a look on their face so horribly sad like he had never seen on them before. Rael had pretended it was nothing but it had been a very unconvincing performance. Asked about it Alphinaud had only offered a few sentences about how worried Rael had looked and how they had used all kinds of spells he himself had never seen or heard of before, all of it to try and save him. It had made him feel even more guilty for his stupidity.
So maybe Haurchefant was right. But still it had been him who had risked going out into the storm to find him.
“Anyway. I still want to thank you! Honestly.”, he insisted. But how honestly was it really?
Sure, he was glad to still be alive. After all his plan hadn’t been to run out into a blizzard and freeze to death, although some of them seemed to think that was the case. But once he found himself in this situation he had to admit that he had welcomed his fate rather willingly. A fact that shocked even himself a little looking back at it now.
“You’re welcome. After all you wouldn’t be any help to your friends frozen to death out there.”, Haurchefant joked with a wry smile on his lips.
“I guess not...”, A’viloh muttered, the topic of his friends making his mood visibly sink again.
Of course the Elezen noticed and his smile turned into a playful grin. “But I acted a little selfish too, you know? I think Camp Dragonhead is a lot friendlier with your company and I would like to have you and your pretty smile around a little longer.”
For a moment A’viloh’s eyes shot up to look at the others face before he quickly pretended that something somewhere a little bit to his left was a lot more interesting. Sometimes Haurchefant randomly said things, A’viloh hadn’t had the slightest idea how to react to. Not because he was that oblivious but simply because it puzzled him. Nonetheless the air suddenly didn’t feel that cold anymore on his face.
Haurchefant was always very kind to him. Well, he mostly was kind to everybody but sometimes he seemed to admire him especially. Him of all people, although there was nothing special about him. Haurchefant sometimes spoke of him like he was one of the greatest heroes of all time and it felt so ridiculous to him. He was just silly, cowardly A‘viloh! What had he ever achieved in his miserable life to justify such admiration? The people called him a Warrior of Light but wasn’t that some grand overstatement? Some days he thought all of this had been a horrible mistake. A great misunderstanding! Then he wondered how he had ever gotten entangled in this madness in the first place and also if he ever would get out of it again. But what else should he do with his life anyway...
While A’viloh’s brain still screeched in desperate search for a proper response, Haurchefant seemed to realise he had flustered him and glossed it over by gesturing to the gate.
“How about we walk a few yalms? There’s something you need to see!”
Still too dumbstruck to speak or to even wonder what the Elezen was talking about, A’viloh nodded and then proceeded to follow him out into the snowy landscape.
After a few minutes Haurchefant paused and took a deep breath. “Isn’t the air wonderful today?”
A’viloh followed his example, breathed deeply and let his gaze wander over the snow covered landscape with a few pines here and there and the mountains and ruins of the Steel Vigil in the distance. The air was cool and fresh, still cold enough that the warm sun couldn’t melt the snow. Instead the rays of sunshine made the scenery shine and sparkle as if everything was covered not in ice but in millions over millions of tiny diamonds.
“It is.”, he answered and smiled, surprised how beautiful this inhospitable landscape could be, before with a sudden spark of curiosity he finally asked. “Where are we going?”
“It’s not far anymore.”, Haurchefant said with a grin on his face and pointed into another direction. Shortly after and only a bit further ahead they reached a small lake.
As they got closer A‘viloh noticed that it not only was covered in a layer of snow and ice but also that quite a few off-duty soldiers, given the proximity to the camp he assumed they had to be, were standing right on top of the frozen lake. No, they were not quite standing. It looked more like they were dancing or flying maybe. More or less gracefully they moved over the lake‘s surface in fluid swift strides, some just moving in wide circles and other swirling around this way or that. A’viloh had never seen something like this and it looked strange and impossible but at the same time very beautiful to him.
The two of them had almost reached the lake by then, A’viloh a few steps ahead to get a better look at the wondrous people on the ice and he already wanted to ask how they did that, when his attention was drawn elsewhere by a curious squawking sound.
“Oh! Look at them!”, the Miqo’te exclaimed, his fascinated smile still turning a little brighter, as he gestured to a small flock of wild geese resting at the shore of the lake. With ruffled feathers they sat closely huddled together at the edge of the ice and suddenly A‘viloh couldn’t help but worry about them. They looked so unbothered by his presence, sleeping through the day and all the hubbub around them, looking all exhausted and frozen with their puffed up feathers. Like anything could happen to them and they wouldn’t even mind.
Strangely he wondered what he himself had looked like when Haurchefant had found him unconscious in the snow. He must have been a pitiful sight. Had the Elezen thought him beyond saving too, just like he himself had. What if he had found him a little later or not at all? Maybe that would have been better, a voice murmured to him just like it had so many times before and for a moment, tempted by the grief heavy on his heart once again, he almost believed it.
But no, he would be dead then and while he would have liked to imagine that this would mean he could be with his loved ones again, it was not exactly what either of the tribes he had lived with believed.
Vaguely he remembered his father working for hours, digging a grave at what used to be Wellwick Wood. An elderly woman too exhausted by their long journey, his grandmother if he remembered correctly, had died shortly after they had arrived there. With a sad smile on his face his father had explained to his children, who had stared down into the hole in the ground with confusion in their eyes, how by returning her body to the earth there could still grow new life from this death.
Or the drake tribe of the Sagolii Desert, who always burned their dead and left the ashes to be carried away by the desert wind, believing that it would make it easier for the deceased‘s aether to return to the Aetheric Sea and create something new elsewhere.
With a sudden sharp pain in his heart A’viloh realised that neither of the people he loved had gotten the burial they would have wanted for themselves. And neither had A‘viloh himself wanted to die in the coldness of Coerthas and be forever forgotten under a thick layer of snow and ice. He had thought about dying before but never had he been this close to it. For a second he wondered if this was something worth speaking to Rael about, but he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t misunderstand and get mad at him again.
“Why do you make such a sad face now?”, Haurchefant asked having noticed the smile slip from the Miqo’te’s face. But A’viloh just vehemently shook his head and focused on the geese again.
“They must be horribly cold.”, he wondered in a voice that suggested he already planned to take all of them to the safety of his comfortably warm room.
Haurchefant chuckled. “Don’t worry, they survived the storm out here after all. They keep each other warm, that’s why you‘ll rarely see one of them alone. A bit like you and your friends.”
“Maybe…”, A’viloh answered thinking about this comparison for a moment. “I just wish it wouldn’t always be me who needs to be taken care of. But as proven in Ul’dah and now once again I am simply too weak and useless to keep myself alive, not to mention anyone else.”
The Elezen’s face got a little stern as he folded his arms in front of his chest. “Don’t say that, I am sure it’s not true! This was just bad luck! You are neither weak nor useless!”
A’viloh shrugged. “But that’s how I feel right now...”
Slowly Haurchefant nodded before speaking again with a silent but determined voice. “Listen. I‘ll never forget how bravely you fought for Francel although you barely knew him. You could have gotten yourself in trouble with that and you helped him anyway.”
“It’s not like I did that on my own -”, A’viloh tried to protest but was immediately interrupted. “But you still helped! And I’m sure even without Rael you would have done so!”
Another shrug was all Haurchefant got in response, so the Elezen thought for a second before making an offer. “You want to make yourself useful, right? Get stronger? I could teach you how to fight like a real ishgardian knight, with sword and shield. Or we have some dragoons at Camp Dragonhead too! I’m sure there’s a lot you could learn from them.”
A‘viloh‘s face turned to disbelief. “I really don’t think I could fight with armor and weapons this heavy…”
“You can’t say so if you don’t try! And I have you know that dragoon armors are surprisingly light. How do you think they could still be this agile otherwise? Promise me to at least try training with them a little!”
He didn’t really want to agree to that. He knew he would make a fool of himself. But how could he say no with Haurchefant trying everything in his power to cheer him up. Weakly he shook his head and muttered: “Fine…”
“Perfect!”, Haurchefant exclaimed with a bright smile on his face. “I think an early reward for your efforts is appropriate then!”
Confused A’viloh watched him take a small bag off of his shoulders, which he hadn’t even noticed until now. For a moment the Elezen was busy undoing a knot before he opened the bag and presented to A‘viloh a set of two weirdly shaped blades attached to pieces of wood with leather straps. He had no idea what these constructs were meant to do and that was plainly visible on his face. “What’s that?”
“Ice skates of course!”, Haurchefant said as if that would explain it all but the Miqo’te‘s face remained clueless, so Haurchefant gestured to the lake behind them. “You attach them to your boots so you can walk on the ice like this!”
“Oh!”, A’viloh exclaimed as he understood what Haurchefant was planning. “I don’t think-… I mean I‘ve never-… You don’t really want me to step on that lake do you?” The idea somehow scared him.
“Why not?”, Haurchefant asked for the second time today with this smile that made the question sound like a challenge.
“It’s just a bit of ice!”, A‘vi objected. “What if it breaks?”
The Elezen shook his head and proceeded to fasten the metal blades beneath his boots. “Ah, don’t worry. The ice is thick enough, it will take at least a few more days to melt.”
“I don’t know…”, was all A’viloh replied as Haurchefant pressed another pair of skates into his hands. But the Elezen remained determined and took a few wobbly steps through the snow and onto the ice. “See! I can stand on it and it doesn’t break! You are a lot lighter than me, so why wouldn’t you be able to?”
Oh, you don’t know my bad luck!, A‘viloh thought but Haurchefant didn’t look like he would take that for an excuse. Instead he stretched out a hand towards the Miqo’te. “Come one! Believe me, this is going to be funny!”
For a second A‘viloh pondered his options. The idea of nothing but a little bit of ice between him and the water still terrified him but Haurchefant seemed so excited about this and the other people actually seemed to have fun too. Maybe he should at least pretend to try... Reluctantly he sat down on a rock and tried to put on the skates just like Haurchefant had done a moment ago.
“The clasp on the back too. Make sure none of them are loose… Yes, that looks fine!”, Haurchefant helpfully explained. As A’viloh got up, he almost flopped right back down into the snow. It was a weird feeling to balance his whole weight on only two thin pieces of metal. As he carefully took the first few steps towards the lake Haurchefant reached out for him once more. “Here! Take my hand! I don’t want you to fall…”
Hesitantly A‘vi stepped onto the ice and immediately felt like the ground was being pulled away beneath his feet. He struggled for balance, feeling himself falling backwards, so Haurchefants arm was a very welcome thing to hold on to.
With a chuckle the Elezen tried to loosen A‘vi‘s desperate grip on his arm and instead took each of his hand in one of his own before carefully making slow steps backwards pulling A‘viloh over the ice, which A’vi could swear was making suspicious crackling sounds below them. There was no way to tell the blades beneath his feet not to move, so all A’viloh could do was try not to fall and plead to Haurchefant with ears flat on his head and panic in his eyes, as he slowly was pulled further onto the lake. “No, no, no. Take me back, that’s a horrible idea!”
“Calm down. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I promise.”, Haurchefant said soothingly and continued to explain to him how to move on the ice skates. And in fact the Elezen’s calm voice slowly made A’viloh feel less anxious. His hands, frantically clasping at Haurchefant’s, relaxed along with his legs. It was still a weird feeling to be standing on the ice but now it felt a lot easier to remain balanced. He glanced at the people around them while remaining as still as possible, studied their movements for a moment and then tentatively tried to mimic the way they slowly pushed their feet above the slippery surface. To his surprise he really moved forward without much effort and also without feeling the sensation of falling again, closer to Haurchefant who had steadied him with his outstretched arms so far.
“See! It’s not that difficult.”, he said while making another step backwards so A’viloh had to follow with another step forward. The Miqo’te, strangely excited about the fact that he was actually moving on these weird ice-blades, laughed happily. “You are even going backwards!”
Haurchefants laughed. “One step after the other. Let’s teach you how to go forward first, hm? I‘ll let go off one of your hands but don’t worry, I still got you. One feet after the other just like you did before…”
In fact it almost felt easier now that he could use one of his arms to balance himself. Very slowly at first they floated above the icy surface of the lake but soon A‘viloh got braver. Once he almost lost his balance but for a comparably tall and strong person like Haurchefant it seemed like a very easy task to keep a small Miqo’te on his feet. Almost falling had felt like a shock for a second but only moments later they were laughing about it and in the end A’viloh was surprised and also a little proud how quickly he had learned and how much fun this was.
He wasn’t sure how much time they spent there on the frozen lake but at some point a bell sounded from the nearby Camp. Startled A’viloh looked up (and almost lost his balance again). “How late is it? I’m sure you have more important things to do than this! I’m sorry if I’m keeping you from doing your work.”
But Haurchefant just laughed and teased, “What could be more important than prove to you that not all of Coerthas is a deadly wasteland trying to kill you? But I think we really should return soon. I don’t want you to get cold again and after all we also don’t want Rael to find out about this little excursion, do we?”
For a second A’viloh wished the viera could see him now and wondered what their reaction would be like. The thought made him chuckle.
And as they floated, one last circle around the lake, A’viloh couldn’t help but wonder that maybe it was happy moments like this. The reason he was still here. Moments that made his life worth living.
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inspired by the poem The Reversal by Leila Chatti
#ffxiv#ff14#final fantasy xiv#final fantasy 14#ffxiv writing#ffxiv screenshots#gpose#Aviloh Tia#Haurchefant Greystone#This ended up sadder than I wanted actually XD#But at least it ends on a good note and thats worth something huh?#I read that poem while I was still writing the last story and thought it fitted A'vi's mood quite well#and that it would be sweet to make him go ice skating although he has no clue what that is and how to do it :D#Did I ever tell you A'vi is his own worst enemy sometimes? I probably did or you figured that out by yourself by now...#If he thinks he can't do something he won't even try#I like to blame that on the expectactions people had for him and which he failed repeatedly but it's probably a bit of a character flaw too#However before late HW it is probably also very easy to talk him into pretty much anything if you have the slightest bit of persuasion skil#oops thats probably a character flaw too... but in this case it is useful at last :D#A'vi will get better soon I promise!#Well obviously he will get worse first for obvious reasons but then he'll get better eventually!#Maybe... I hope... Oh boy I am seriously trying but this sad cat doesn't want to be happy D:#I think getting the Scions back will help a little and so will the happenings of Stormblood I think...#And regarding Haurchefant: I don't think I see this as particularly romantic (I mean from Haurchefant's side maybe given his character)#I should probably make a post one of these days giving some iside look on A'vi's emotions! because it's complicated! XD#he's been alive but not really living for so long now and maybe this near-death-expierence was necessary to make him think about that...#rant over! I'll make a different post another day! this already got out of hand again...#and once again I’m posting this on a Friday! i might just start calling it FanficFriday! which doesn’t mean you get something each week XD
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xxxemilyg1996 · 8 days
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"Ah man, my dad's dead" me, just now remembering that my father is in fact, actually dead and has been for almost 3 years
#i was thinking about his family and talking to them about him and it just hit me that hes gone#that i don't get to talk to him ever again#that he won't get to watch my little brother get married next year. or even meet his fiancée#he won't meet my children that i want to have#he missed his first great nephew being born#he missed meeting my first boyfriend. and my first heartbreak when i found out he was married and lied to me the whole time#he's the reason i had a mental breakdown and can no longer leave my house without having a panic attack#his genetics are why i have such deep depressions and go days at a time without sleeping because I'm manic#from my height to my gray hair to the shape of my face are all his#the autism and the bipolar disorder and even the pcos and insulin resistance. all from him#that my siblings and i are closer than anyone else and would do anything for each other is because he taught us to be#that i never got my college degree and now live in abject poverty are also partially his fault#since he died I've been angry and bitter about him. but also full of grief and i want nothing more than to see him again#i still don't know how to live with him gone. my world shattered and fell apart the day he died. what am i supposed to do?#how to i go on without him? how do i deal with his sisters without him. how do i deal with my mother without him? how?#this got a lot sadder than i anticipated it was supposed to be a funny post and the grief overtook me#i started crying and im laying down so now there are tears in my ears and i can't hear#fuck#dead dad club
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arielluva · 2 months
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grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again
#in regards both to my cat and my grandma though i was mostly thinking about my grandma when i wrote this#i was fine the next day after she died bc like. it was expected. she was in hospice for several months#and a nurse had been staying with her 24/7 for the last 2 days. the nurse told us it probably wouldnt be long on the last day.#we knew it was coming so i didnt feel too bad right after it happened. it was only when the mortician showed up that it sunk in#but the next day i was fine. if she got brought up in conversation id get a bit sad but i was mostly fine after that day#and its been. like. a little more than 3 months since then#i havent been thinking about it much but idk. sometimes it just pops into your head and you get reminded that she isnt here anymore#sometimes i still feel like shes still there when i walk into that room. it still partially smells the same#i turn on the light and feel like im somewhere im not supposed to be until i realize that we cleared out her stuff months ato#you wouldnt know that someone was bedridden and in hospice in there just from looking at it#but sometimes i just get that mental image of her being in there. or when she was in a nursing facility for a time and mostly normal#when we thought she was just almost septic and not nearing the end#the stupid doorbell we had her ring when she needed something that made us all jump whenever we heard a similar sound#the fact that the last blanket she ever started crocheting is still in that room and never finished#her rocking chair that has been sitting empty for probably over a year now#the haunted lamp in what used to be her bedroom pre-hospice that keeps turning on#the fact that her cars no longer in the driveway#idk. thinking about it doesnt like. actively make me cry or anything. but it is like. a lurking feeling#like ive been aware and fine with the fact that shes gone. and has been gone#but sometimes i really... remember that shes gone#i still forget that its like. a permanent thing and that shes not just in the hospital again#i wouldnt say i feel too much grief about her dying. i feel more about my cat that died 8 years ago.#but it is a weird feeling to recognize. maybe i only felt sadder about my cat bc (to me) it was unexpected#idk.
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kyraxyrespace · 1 year
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A Story That’ll Never Be Finished (early-Vol 9 fanfic)
Back in May of 2021 I just felt myself shrivel at this reminder I began to speculate what Vol 9 would be about based only on the brief after-credits scene we had at the end of Vol 8. I started on it, but never had the time to finish it despite the lengthy hiatus we as a FNDM went through. Now with Vol 9 out and finished, I don’t have any plans on continuing the story. However, I wanted to share the brief start of what was thought of but never to come.
Please enjoy.
The repetitive, gentle sound of waves lapping against the shoreline lulled Jaune out of his unconscious state. His mind worked slowly, and only dimly registered the feeling of soft sand beneath his person. Then, as he got to his knees and gave his surroundings a look around, his mind snapped into place like a rubber band. He glanced around more frantically, his hand reaching down to his waist, feeling a degree of relief that his Crocea Mors still occupied his body. It did not alleviate the consternation he felt while taking in the unfamiliar environment.
He pulled himself up to his full height, his right hand touching his weapon. Narrowed blue eyes roamed the horizon, taking in the lush, tropical island. He kept quiet, listening for any sound that would give away another soul in the area, and was equal parts relieved and torn that he heard nothing at all. The water continued to lap behind him, and the wind rustled the leaves, but there was no sound - human, faunus, or animal - to be heard. The enormous tree situated up on the hilltop caught Jaune’s attention; considering its size, it wasn’t that hard to miss.
Although he was apprehensive of where this new land was, he did at least know one thing: he got here by falling from the walkway. And if he was here after falling into the void, then there was reason to believe that Team RWBY was here, too. He needed to link back up with them and find a way off the island; there were loved ones waiting for them in Vacuo. The notion that his friends were alive - not lost to the void like he had thought - spurred him into action.
He didn’t have any clue which way to go, so he picked to go to the right. He took two steps forward in his intended direction but stopped as his ears picked up on a noise coming from behind him. He placed his hand on the hilt of his broken sword, listening to the noise to differentiate if it was friend or foe. It was too faint to actually understand, but it was high pitched enough that he didn’t think it was a Grimm. He spun around on his heel, his eyes narrowing as he tried to pinpoint the cause of the sound. There was something coming his way, and he was able to determine it was in the shape of a person. He blinked, and his heart skipped a beat as he was able to pick out the person’s distinctive white hair and knew instantly who it was.
“Jaune!” Weiss shouted, her voice easier to recognize the closer she came to him.
“Weiss,” Jaune breathed. Then, louder, “Weiss!”
He jogged toward her, closing the gap so she wouldn’t have to run so far. When he determined he was halfway toward her (he was taller, his legs longer, so he traversed the distance in a shorter amount of time), he came to a stop, expecting Weiss to do the same. He was shocked when she didn’t slow down at all; she launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Jaune released a breath of surprise, and his left foot readjusted itself to keep him from tumbling backward. His arms, on instinct, wrapped around Weiss to keep her steady.
His surprise over her jumping onto him turned to relief that he could hold her. When Winter had returned to the pathway empty handed, Jaune’s heart had dropped. He hadn’t seen what had happened to Ruby, Blake, and Yang, but he had guessed. Knowing that he had been steps away from getting Weiss somewhere safe, just to lose her, turned his insides cold. He couldn’t mourn her loss immediately; the void had been compromised, and he and Winter had to get to Vacuo. Even the logical knowledge that the team had to have survived if he had didn’t provide the amount of relief he felt holding her in his arms. He had to will away the tears threatening to form in his eyes.
Jaune, believing they’d held each other long enough, began to withdraw his arms, expecting Weiss to do the same. It was probably the first time since Beacon’s initiation that they held each other; it was certainly the first one Weiss initiated. To his surprise, she moved reluctantly. She tightened her hold briefly, before unlinking her arms, moving them down until they rested on the boy’s elbows.
“What happened? How did you get here?” she asked, her voice raised in concern.
“The pathway collapsed,” Jaune answered. “I made a jump for the portal, but missed it.”
“And my sister?” Weiss asked, her face twisting up at the memory of the last time she’d seen Winter.
“She made it through to Vacuo,” Jaune replied.
Weiss’ shoulders dipped as she released a breath, exhaling the tension she’d probably been feeling since she arrived on the island.
“Have you come across anything?” Jaune questioned, giving their area a look around.
Although he had only spotted Weiss, he was hoping it was because he had only put focus on her, and that her teammates were actually somewhere close by. His heart plummeted a bit when he saw Weiss shake her head, her braided hair flowing back and forth with the motion. She removed her hands from his elbows, relocating them to sit comfortably on her hips.
“You’re the first person I’ve come across,” she answered. “You’re the only thing I’ve come across.”
“That’s unfortunately true for me, too,” Jaune admitted, sighing a bit at the end.
“...Do you think the others are here?” Weiss asked, looking for his opinion.
“They have to be,” he answered immediately, scanning the horizon over the empty water. “We’re the only island.”
“That we can see,” Weiss pointed out.
Jaune frowned at the truthful statement. They were only on one side of the island, so for all they knew, there were other patches of land on the opposite side. They needed to get to the other side of the island which would take time walking. Jaune blinked and looked back at Weiss, who raised an eyebrow up in questioning when she saw him staring at her.
“Weiss, can you summon a Queen Lancer?” Jaune questioned.
Weiss’ eyebrows raised upward in confusion, wondering what had spurred him to ask such a question. It was telling how far the two had come that Jaune could read the question on her face without her even having to verbalize it.
“If we can get an aerial view of the island, we could spot our friends easier.”
Weiss’ eyes widened in comprehension as she followed along. She gave a sharp nod at his earlier question and took a step back from him. She pulled out her Myrtenaster and produced a summoning glyph in the open space to the left of them. Weiss approached her Summoned Grimm, stroking the hornet’s face affectionately. The Queen Lancer was becoming a fast favorite of hers, only second to her Arma Gigas. She moved to its side, Jaune following. She hopped up first, taking her place at the front of the insect. Jaune hopped up behind her, sticking his hands in the gap between its protective plates. Seeing that her passenger was secured on the Summoned Grimm, Weiss willed her Queen Lancer to launch them into the air. The flying-insect took air, flying above the tree lines, facing the enormous tree. The two looked down on the tropical island below them, checking for any sign of movement, any familiar shape of their friends.
Jaune was looking off to his right, blue eyes scanning the sandy beaches. His eyes focused on a lump laying just inches from the lapping waves. His heart beat in excitement.
“Weiss.”
Weiss looked over her shoulder at Jaune, and then to her right. She spotted the lump as well. She directed her Queen Lancer in its direction. The hornet sped as it made its descent, and the closer it got to the lump, the easier it was to see its features. The lump was a person. Weiss’ eyes widened as she identified the person. Jaune didn’t wait for the Queen Lancer to land. Without warning, he hopped off the creature.
“Jaune!”
The boy rolled, got back on his feet, and rushed to Penny’s fallen body. He dropped to his knees beside her, blue eyes staring in anguish at her pale body. His hand hovered over the three holes created from the claws of Cinder’s Grimm arm.
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ghostcrows · 5 months
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that damn web comic is rattling around in my brain ...
#i just felt smacked in the face with a mirror reality something i could see not only myself but so many other people i know/have known in#with a frighteningly sharp precision#some of the people in whn look IDENTICAL to real life friends or exes or people i knew in high school or coworkers#i sent it to my friend and he said 'i feel like this HAPPENED to someone i know'#i keep thinking about that awful feedback loop of mental illness isolation and social media addiction#but its so much more complicated than 'touch grass' like you could shoot all these peoples phones#and theyd just turn to something equally toxic and retraumatizing and self-flagellating#they already show this because they have ed's and self harm and abuse substances and spend money they dont have#the chronic online-ness is a symptom not the disease#the thing that makes me a little sick is how much i relate to milo refusing to delete his tumblr even after everything#i have had instances in my life where posting on tumblr was actively making my life worse or harder or getting in the way of real shit#and i still use it as a crutch in the worst of times#its just funny cuz its this thing that saves you from riskier vices while still obviously perpetuating those things#because its a place that reflects You so heavily#you reblog sad shit cause youre sad and it makes you sadder#you wanna self harm you see people post their cutting pics now you feel like its not so weird or bad#its making me ask questions like 'am i stunted' 'what does it mean to be stunted' and then of course#when is someone 'acting like a victim' and just A Victim and can you do both and what does that mean#man....
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lisbonsteresa · 2 years
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climbing the walls over this
#tm#like....like!!!!#tbqh i didn't even remember that the first argument wasn't a real fight and now i'm --#i feel crazy because it's such a similar argument for her to make but it could also not possibly be more different#the first is a show; a performance; it's what red john - hell what most of the people who know jane - would expect from him#ego and pride and putting himself above the law - that argument could have been with almost anyone#but lisbon is the only one who could make the second argument (the ONLY one and i'll stand by that#even the others at the cbi who have seen his softer/quieter/sadder moments could not do it#not because they don't care about him - they CLEARLY do - but because they don't know him well enough#he doesn't LET them know him enough - at this point i don't think there's anyone but lisbon that he would say these things to#and say them sincerely; and mean them)#i think she's the only one who he's let in enough to know that he's not putting himself above anything;#he thinks so little of himself that he'd sacrifice himself without question if it meant getting red john#that's the argument (the plea) she's really making: care about yourself damnit. if not for you then for the people who need you#(for me)#and god it's comforting to know how this all ends up but this still hurts because he just....can't#(some things you just can't fix // you kept the pieces....i'm doing sosofine)#and then and then -- 'you'd be dead' 'but you'd have red john' [smash cut to him shooting his only lead to save her life] LIKE???#he'd sacrifice himself with no hesitation but he'd save her without thinking#let me relax#(but also do you think red john heard about that and was like 'it's a surprise tool that will help me later')
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dirt-str1der · 2 years
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Love all the randos in y0 making fun of majima for being skinny calling him shit like stickman and other insulting things i forgot and they make sure to really cement that majima is your wireframe protagonist and then he takes off his shirt and hes literally normal shaped. Bullshit i want to see a scarecrow i dont like his beefy body , you hyped me up only to lie to me
#Yakuza loveblog#this is a loveblog becUse i likehim#my dog is curling up does anyone care ? does anyone care that ollie looks so cute and baby like ? ...#i hate it whenever majima puts on his glasses because i always want to peel his eyelid open#just had to survive a whole segment of him wearing those slutty translucent shades#and from the side you can see a bit of his left eye and like nghh i want to play with the loose skin so bad#i went back to edit my original post to say more and completely lost this train of thought#but like i would love for kiryu and majima to have drastically different body types. they already have incredibly different fighting styles#i want kiryu to be barrel shaped ........ i want majima to only eat properly when hes with someone he likes (which is never back in y0)#i made him run across the city to enter. resturant and eat two quail eggs#it was because i wasnt very injured but its still an extremely funny thing. to happen#now which would be sadder ... that majima literally cannot gain weight or that his appetite was completely shot after his time in the hole..#i mean he was alwys kind of bony as seen from the flashback scenes .... i need him to be skinnier ............#you should be able to wrap your arms around his waist twice over hands wrapped to your shoulders#you guys have no damn clue how much it turned me on to see his skinny little wrist just hanging limp in a manacle. enough space to clamp bot#in one cuff ...... his hands look huge compared to how tiny his wrists are ... need him to be skinnier ..!!!#im so obsessed with his body i want to get inside it and i dont care how .... i want to watch him eat ... i would like to feed him from my#hand and feel his shitty moustache graze my palm .. it was a pleasure to have your son on a leash#i want to see skin stretched tight over his shoulders i want to chew on him ... goe the. the last time i liked a skinny guy ws ... oh my god#it was all might
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mollypaup · 11 months
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Oh i just had a weird dream.
#outer wilds ass dream tbh#it was the same energy as the last day of school before the summer but sadder somehow#and i was hanging out in a gymnasium with a girl i don't recognize#at first it is crowded but people filter out over time#and when it's nearly empty she tells me that she doesn't want to leave yet#so we go walking through the building and there are a few other people still there#and we stay for as long as we can#but eventually it is time#and we go outside and it is my back yard. the sun is warm#there are kids running around and laughing and a few people talking off to the side and i don't recognize any of them either#after a little bit people start getting ready for it#i don't know what it is but no one seems scared#the little kids are excited and the adults seem a little sad#one girl comes over to where i am and starts pulling cushions off of the patio bench#and i tell her i will move the whole thing for her#and i carry it across the grass to where her friends are waiting#and they all climb on laughing and talking and i go sit away from them in the grass to watch#and they start looking up at the sky. they are not scared but whatever it is thst is happening is starting#and i look up and the sky is normal but suddenly I know that this world is going to stop existing soon#but i also know that there will be something after it#in the way that you know you have to go home after you've been out#or that you are going to meet up with your friend after this#there is an After#it still made me cry though.#because I was sad about the change#and then i woke up
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modeltyped · 1 year
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no, i am not thinking about justin suffering the repercussions of having been oversexualized and objectified from a very young age -- to the point where his dms are so filthy not even bleach would clean them -- and being more than likely constantly touched without his consent, as a teenager, a child, from grown women, and subjected to having to smile and chuckle through all of that like it didn’t bother him -- TRAINING HIMSELF to believe it didn’t bother him, of course they wanted him, look at him !!  i am not thinking about justin feeling like he does not own his own body, his own image; of seeing himself and not recognizing himself -- of the first images of his completely naked body that circulate online not done in a tasteful spread by a trusted photographer ( not even his own nudes ) but taken by someone camped outside of his house and spread around the internet like wildfire -- of justin having to laugh it off as though he “couldn’t have kept all this to himself forever [he] guess[es] !!” as if it is some joke, as if he has not been constantly violated every moment of his life, especially since the exposure of to.tal dra.ma -- ESPECIALLY REGARDING THE DRAMA B.ROS ERA.  i’m not thinking of jesus setting him up with therapy appointments to learn to set boundaries and learn who he is beyond his appearance.  i’m not !!!  thinking about that !!! at all !!!
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laughing in the night, sugar in the shade [warrior nun]
Summer of 2017, in Rute. A Sister of the Order of the Cruciform Sword recalls the mission and aftermath.
1787 words, rated T, takes place before/during season one
(it's missing Mary hours so I'm just. gonna bring this oneshot back while I work on other fics)
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curseplay · 1 year
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@selfruin sent: 📞 . . . for a drunk phone call . [ ACCEPTING. ]
they just played our songs back to back. back to fucking back on some random— random radio station ! [ they're being carted home from a party, any news they give hot of the presses and delivered from the lap of their bandmate where they rest their head. ] i told everyone to shut the fuck up . . . and then talked the whole way through about how that's daisy, my friend daisy. we used to work together ! we used to want to make it big ! we fucking made it big ! same station, same time !
[ its been a long time since they've talked, but paris watches daisy . . . watches the six like a hawk. a proud hawk. ] i miss you, babe. you're so beautiful— your voice and your face and your . . . soul ? your everything. you had me so fucked up back then. and now you got whole world fucked up. tell all those silly boys that if they— i'll fuck 'em up if i have to. if they hurt you. i'll go down swinging for you if y' ever need me still.
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thoughtfulseason · 1 year
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i’m pretty excited for today!! i haven’t had friends for a while and i got my new-ish (we met in january for the first time)friend a real gift that is more than a drawing. im getting her a book, chocolate and a cute pen. it’s so nice making a person you like happy even if i don’t get it myself
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aphel1on · 3 months
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the longer i look at this panel the more deranged i feel about it. this is environmental storytelling at its finest.
the eodio stand-in doll in particular makes me crazy. where did it come from? did thistle just pop into the village like "hey ungrateful wretches, one of you needs to make me a life-sized mannequin, For Reasons". did he make it himself? seems quite unlikely, yet the possibility haunts me. i mean, i guess there could've been one just lying around the dungeon somewhere. it's the act of replacement itself that really gets to me. (edit: it's been pointed out to me that the eodio doll also could have been left behind as part of delgal's escape plan. slightly different kind of madness but tbh, just as funny-sad to me if that happened and thistle went Ok, Guess That's Eodio Now.)
both the wives are there too. we know very little about them, which makes me tend to assume thistle wasn't all that close to them, but they're still included. when did they end up here? did he kick their souls out of their bodies at some point, or were they among those who left their bodies voluntarily to try and escape? when did yaad become an effective orphan, delgal an effective widower? women in the margins of the narrative, tell me your stories!
and the fact that they're surrounded with the living paintings, which thistle habitually wanders through to relive the past. this truly is his inner sanctum, his place of utmost comfort... and it may as well be a tomb.
that panel is so creepy when you first see it. just a sense of "ohh jeez, there's a lot to unpack there".
and actually, yeah, it remains creepy from pretty much any angle, but the more you think about it the more it's also tragic.
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this is where many of thistle's happiest moments took place. everything he had in that picture is now gone. first he lost their warm regard, then one-by-one their bodies became hollow shells. before the end, none of the people here needed or enjoyed food anymore. the dinner table, as a center of both family life and nutrition, became obsolete.
a line from someone else's excellent post about thistle has stuck in my head ever since i read it: "to eat is to live, but to eat together is to be loved". to me, this is the sentiment and symbolism at the core of everything that happens in dungeon meshi.
it makes this bit all the sadder and more disturbing.
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there's several things to note here:
thistle has gone from seated and eating with them as part of the family, to a lonely and ominous figure hovering over delgal's shoulder
eodio is conspicuously absent from view, and his body would have been a husk by now, but yaad says parents, which forces me to assume that they are sitting at the table with eodio's soulless body, hidden under yaad's speech bubble
they're not actually eating anything.
those plates are empty. you could assume that they've already finished eating, maybe, but yaad refers to it as sitting around the dinner table. in fact, he compares it to what he's currently doing; sitting at the dinner table watching the touden party eat, not eating anything himself.
it paints a pretty grim picture. for some time even after the fantasy had fallen apart, even after there was no need or desire to eat, they kept gathering around the dinner table. at that point, i'd guess only so as not to provoke thistle's wrath.
but even that last happened a long, long time ago.
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this is a callback to what senshi said in the golden kingdom: the reason the people keep maintaining their fields and silverware and so forth is that they need to do so in order to stay sane.
paradoxically, the dinner table is the most striking evidence of thistle's insanity, and at the same time, it's the only anchor to sanity he has left.
he kept enforcing the ritual of dinner together long after it lost significance. when even that was impossible- because almost everyone's souls were gone- he kept their bodies at the table anyway. it's fine. it's fine! he's protected them, physically, just like he set out to. they're all still breathing. at a glance it looks like they could wake up and resume dinner at any moment. like this, it's easy to pretend.
isn't that what being a dungeon lord is, at the core of it? rejecting reality, staying in the prison of one's impossible desires. it's just one long game of pretend.
thistle did all this to protect his loved ones. no matter how obsessive and twisted he became in pursuit of that over the years, his core motivation never changed. this is all he has left of that dream: his loved ones' bodies gathered around the locus of their happiest memories together. like this, he can tell himself he's succeeded.
when eodio's body vanished with delgal's soul in it- when he couldn't even have that anymore... well.
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i want to reach through the screen and shake him. no, they're not, thistle. THISTLE, NO, THEY'RE NOT! the doll of eodio is the closest thing to him in this panel, underlining the point. when that final illusion was shattered, he became completely unable to cope with reality.
therefore casually forgetting the creepy eodio doll isn't real.
thistle isn't stupid. eodio's body vanished at the same time as delgal's soul. shortly after, more adventurers came pouring in than ever before. deep down, he knows what happened. if he didn't, being confronted with the truth by mithrun wouldn't have made him panic so hard he summoned chimera falin to the first floor.
yet still...
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he absolutely can't admit that to himself. he is clinging to the last scraps of the illusion with everything he has.
this is a dungeon lord at the end of desire. this is a lotus-eater machine left running long after its conclusion. this is mithrun lying listlessly in his bed, his replica lover having given up any pretense of being human. the illusion is all that's left. (an illusion is all it ever was.) thistle and the citizens of the golden kingdom- they're ghosts just as much as the ones who wander the dungeon floors. and if it weren't for thistle sealing the lion away, he would've been eaten by it long ago.
all of this encapsulated by that single panel of the dinner table.
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