#but it is so annoying because i havent been drawing very much at all because i have no motivation to do anything besides Play That Game

[jackalhadrurusluvr]

facing the consequences of falling off the face of the earth into a hyperfix (falling off the face of the earth in terms of social media interactions)

[drdrizzey]

Late Halloween drawing!!

The good old Creepypastas from the mid 2017s are what basically got me into drawing and art in general. I quite literally started off just to make fanarts of them and boy, I made so much. I know some of those characters are outdated now but I don't want anyone to feel offended from me drawing them, that's really just a really nostalgic Fanart for me with the classic found family dynamic we loved!! Then later on I really got into those slenderverse ARGs and especially marble hornets and again, I filled sketchbooks just with marble hornets comics and fanarts so thats also something lmao

I had a hard time choosing who to draw here arggh

My inner child heals a bit more every time I draw any Slenderverse and Creepypasta character or even my old Creepypasta ocs

Also I want to add a disclaimer that I do not ship Creepypasta characters with anyone and that to me, they always acted all like siblings to each other! (Saying that because I know some people are really sensitive about ship art in this peculiar fandom and I agree that's a tricky one, but for me they've always just been a big silly family in their spooky manor, having fun)

Here's some dynamics I love and loved picturing them with :

- sally is the cute little sister that nobody can say no to and she KNOWS it, she WILL make everyone play dress up with pink ribbons and no one can do anything about it

- Jeff is a really good big brother to her and really tries his best for that

- Masky is 100% the tired big brother having to care for all of his annoying siblings. Since he's a proxy, Slenderman especially asked him to keep an eye on them and to quote, "give them what they ask for and not letting them break stuff or argue too much" which leads him quite often to having to drive to MacDonalds at 3am, because one of them whined for it. He also pretends he hates it but in reality he really cares about them. Also headcanon, this is some alternative version of Tim/Masky from marble hornets because we'll, obviously this is supposed to be Masky and somehow some people literally dont know where he comes from and just twinkifies him (which is a jumpscare to me because tim is literally amazing, hello?but a lot of people seemed to not know where he came from, well go watch marble hornets if you havent its awesome (i'm looking at yall tma and mouthwashing fans, you WILL love it too)

- my HC for Toby is that the guy has a lot going on but he's also not a kid, i like seeing him in his twenties or so. And he loves ranting about really random stuff just to annoy pretty much anyone and especially Masky because he doesn't complain much, and if he does then Toby will just find it even funnier and follow him around, explaining to him like...I don't know random stuff like describing his whole feed of cat videos or something or internet drama

(also that's not a mischaracterization of them as characters it's just my version of them in the way my little autistic brain in sixth grade pictured them, which means very non canon inaccurate)

Here's the fun reference I used :

[mysterycitrus]

the way you write the relationships the batfam have with each other is so delicious to me like AUGHH YOUR BRAIN!!! it’s so good. if you were willing, i'd love to hear more of your thoughts on the relationship cass and jason have / steph and jason (staring at you with my big wet eyes)

i havent read much from any of the characters and have seen large parts of fandom say that they would all get along/they’d be so close/besties, so the ideas i’ve read in your works (wolf king and persephone) are very interesting!!

to put it bluntly — i think they’d fucking hate him.

part of that is, weirdly, people tend to devalue tim’s relationships with steph and cass. like, steph and tim have never been normal about each other. cass and tim spent most of the nineties and early aughts jumping back and forth to each other’s comics. in what world would either of them be chill with the guy who hurt him (and damian) like that?

it also flattens cass’s ideology and steph’s history with bruce’s mission. cass has struggled with engaging with murderers because she’s sees them as herself, and their actions as her own actions. she is reflected in each of them, but she ultimately values life above all else which is why her personal connection to the bat is so interesting. she would not have sympathy or time for jason todd, someone who uses bruce’s mission to hurt others, to take lives, and attack the people she loves. like…. please be serious. she would not be hanging out w the person who was happy when bludhaven got nuked.

same deal with steph— something that really annoys me is when people act as though the “bad robin club” would be a bonding moment between steph and jason. not just because steph has a more developed comic run than jason has, with legitimate obstacles to her getting recognised as a hero, but also because again, this guy is doing the same shit as her dad. why would she like him after he went after tim multiple times? whenever someone draws this comparison i think of this page —

the fact that steph values bruce’s mission, his views on taking a life, despite being at such a profound low point is really important. i can’t believe she’d look at jason and think him admirable.

however!!!! that doesn’t mean their interactions (when reasonably in character imo) can’t be interesting!! having cass and jason interact in persephone was a lot of fun, because making him interact with someone other than bruce or dick puts him off balance. peoples fear of complex relationships with legitimate stakes makes me sad. neither cass or steph have that history with him before death, or that same image of him as a memorial, and it’s a fun thing to explore. specifically this passage from wolf-king —

like yeah!! neither of them would fuck with him!!! let him be the unpopular brother!!

[wickjump]

do u havea pic of ur blueberry inspired oc,,,/nf

AW MAN unfortunately none i feel comfortable sharing as the oc of him i have is a vent oc and i keep those works locked away in a vault. i have old drawings of my blueberry interpretation, which is more of a projection character who i adore to death.

blueberry is super important 2 me n i love him SOSOSO much!!!!!! he acts just like i did as a child bcuz i was a huge stereotype—and still am in a lot of my disorders, which is lowk kind of isolating because yes not all of us are like those examples but some of us ARE!!!!!!! anywy blueberry reminds me of me as a kid; i was overeager and innocent (i gen didnt process anything ‘impure’ none of that registered in my mind till i was like 12) and things flew over my head a lot. i was blindly trusting and i looked up to people for affection and would cry all the time—generally i was (and still am!) very emotive and empathetic.

blueberry means a lot to me because he feels like me. and the hate he started to get was understandable but it’s been eight years since his creator left (and i doubt they give a shit anymore) and nobody confuses the two. it’s been years since anyone did that—the fact he’s still getting hate is understandable but it lowk hurts in a way. cause he means a lot to me!!!! he’s a character that i want to give a happy family and to see him thrive and his “”innocence to be preserved”” or whatever because i didnt get that!!!!! i want swap to be his adoptive father because i didn’t have a dad!!!!!! i want him to be included and loved and not outcasted for being “annoying”, because i was, and he doesn’t have to be!!!!!

he’s me as a kid. that’s why he’s so important to me,, id defend my younger self against the world but because time travel doesn’t exist he’s my next best option and i love him. i love art where swap is kind and caring towards him—because he would be in canon! swap doesn’t hate kids for idolizing him, goddammit! his entire character is that he himself is ostracized for being “annoying”! why in the fucking world would he do that to a child when he himself knows how it feels to be isolated and to crave friends yet have none?? papyrus wouldn’t, so neither would swap.

i havent seen any fics where this is the case (swap being nice to/taking care of berry) but ive written some snippets of them b4….. i just wish they were more popular as a father-son duo lmao 😭 most fatherless thing ive ever said

[kosmicdream]

The FATE of FEAST FOR A KING

.. and Nasty Red Dogs… 

And some other miscellaneous thoughts about comics, writing, and time.... AND ENDINGS...

============= 

As I’m approaching 10 years on FFAK and NRD is currently 5, I’ve been reflecting a lot on How far this journey with comics has taken me and how far I still have yet to go. For those unaware, my first webcomic was actually Eggshells, which started in 2011, but i only started posting pages publicly in 2013. It too is unfinished, but its planned for 7 chapters. (I’m currently working on chapter 5, which probably will come out early next year.) I have 9 ongoing comics I’m working on. NINE!! 3 of those are FFAK related. (FFAK, After Dinner Treat, and the prequel series “Help.”) It is so many comics though. And beyond that! I have two other stories I’ve been working on for the past few years in secret, one being Nice Blue Cats, which I might still draw as a comic someday.. As well as a series of “one shots” that is meant to be its own collection. Slugmom and “The Teacher & The Fairy” are part of these one shot collections. Which, uh, it was designed to help me practice writing short stories. Which TT&TF is now going to be three parts long, and roughly 300 pages. So I guess that’s short enough…? Ha.. laughs… Anyway, as I was saying.. Sometimes I’m sure, readers might wonder. “Do you ever feel overwhelmed, with so many projects Kosmic?” Yeah dude. I sure fucking do. I got 9 of them! That’s more than a full pokemon team of projects that are potentially a decade + of work. A couple of them already are a decade old/older at this point. (Praeymoon is actually one of my oldest-lasting projects, even tho its first chapter only finally released in 2023.. I first attempted to draw ch1 back in 2016, but was unable to finish it and scrapped the “full color” angle i was trying then. ) All my current ongoing comic projects are as follows: Feast for a King, Nasty Red Dogs, Eggshells, The Teacher & the Fairy, Replacer, The Eyes of Miasma, FFAK: After Dinner Treat, FFAK: Help, are all written. The only one which isnt fully written is Praeymoon, which I don’t mind because the way that story is organized is almost more of a sandbox-fantasy world of mini stories. I’ll be honest, if you havent heard of Replacer or The Eyes of Miasma, I don’t blame you- its not that i don’t like those stories. They just kind of are the “most neglected” comics yet I’m also kind of amazed they exist at all, like I DONT know how I found the time to draw over 100 pages for both of them. They also have fully written outlines and all things considered, are probably only going to be under 400-500 pages in length. But that’s still a decent amount of work there. Its been ten years since I more or less started making webcomics… and as I plan, and try to calculate all my projects for the next 10 years, my main priority at the moment is well.. Finishing all of these fucking stories one way or another. Its hard! I don’t know if I can as I put way too much on my plate. But at the same time like.. Whatever. I could easily drop most of them, if I felt inclined to - but I don’t. They are my library of work, and I’ve sort of made an artist oath to myself that I will see as many of them to the end as I can. I’m excited that three are very close to its end. (Nasty Red Dogs, The Teacher & the Fairy, and Eggshells.) After that well.. I’ll see what I can cross off my list next once I get there.. That’s still going to take years to get those done. But hopefully not too many. 

[Spoilers for potential LENGTHS of FFAK/NRD.. And other things.. I speak very transparently about writing and working on comics here AND including my thoughts on ENDINGS.. You’ve been warned]

I’m comfortable enough sharing that the fairy comic is 3 parts, Eggshells is 7 chapters, but when it comes to FFAK/NRD.. Its much harder to give an estimate, or if sharing those things will only be disappointing or annoying to hear about.. If you have ever been around me for more than 10 minutes, i am constantly talk about the “length left” on these projects a lot anyway. At night, i count them in my head. In the day, I write little lists as if I’ve forgotten the names of them.. They are MY LIST.

 But for those who do not know and wish to, NRD is likely going to end with 10 chapters. I have extended this in the past, so it could still change.. but it only really has gotten “longer” due to pacing of scenes rather than the actual content. And Honestly, it was paced out specifically to avoid this next chapter. Not that I didn’t want to draw it, its because i was Scared to do it.. Why? Because there’s cars I have to draw in it. And dogs. I have drawn those things before, at least once or twice. But I do not enjoy drawing cars or dogs. Dogs are okay now, but i hate that they have legs. Dont give me references, i have those. Its just how my brain is, with those fuckign legs and how there’s four of them. I know practice makes perfect. Or do-able. I have drawn amost 1000 pages of NRD, i dont remember how they bend and i’ve forgiven myself for knowing there’s just some things god cannot do, which is to give kosmic the ability to look at a dog leg and understand. Anyway. Because of this reason, somehow, finishing NRD with it only possibly being 4 more chapters, still feels harder than finishing ALL of FFAK - which (drumroll) might be .. only around 10 or 12 chapters left. Yes, you heard me- for the second AND third arc. 10 or 12 more. Will that also change? Probably!!!!!! Like, yes… its been 9 years and I’ve completed a lot more than just 10 chapters of comics in that time.. But wrapping up a story is way harder and I dont know what that’s like..yet! But i feel still confident that i will. I mean, i don’t really have any other choice than to experience it. I used to recoil and fall apart just emotionally contemplating finishing FFAK. my FUCKING baby. My joy. You mean that has to end?? NEVER. My attachment to it and the characters was incomparable to anything else I had done, and in my mind ever WILL make… (and that is still true.) But.. I’m okay with that now and I actually look forward to seeing how it could end up. Even if its bad! 

Its kind of weird to say, I just don’t really think it will be.. super good? Like.. it could be? I don’t know how readers will react. I dont even know how I feel about the whole thing.. I have felt so many feelings about this comic already, now I’m kind of.. Past it in a new stage. Zen like peace almost. There’s just.. so much that I wanted to PUT in FFAK and so much i could STILL put in. But I kind of just am okay with what i wrote, does that even make sense? The whole comic has felt like such a fluke to me, from the very start. And I managed to accidentally make so many great things in it I don’t actually understand sometimes. And my dreams for the comic has been nearly limitless. I couldn’t possibly contain all the feelings I’ve had over this story over the many years I have been making it, and all the incredible narrative outcomes I could see the characters going in.. the possibilities, the parallels.. The anime music videos..  I would NOT compare my writing style to GRRM, I haven’t read his books. but I can’t help but feel a bit like a weird baby version of him with the amount of cast members I have to push around and draw.. And I want to be clear. If FFAK was written as a book, it wouldn’t happen. I cannot write books. I do not think writing books is easier/faster than making comics, but sometimes it is hard to have to draw everyone. Point is, I understand the reality of a long-term comic project now, I have numbers and logs to prove it  and my range. And I’m fairly consistent, even in my low days. So.. in recent years my writing style has.. has changed to accommodate.. Those.. General Realities i’ve observed in myself. 

That’s why the second arc excites me. It has a lot of uhh, urgency that underlies it. You might have already noticed a change in the tone in chapter 16, which I’ve been working on for almost a year now. (I mean, I’ve been working on the written version for.. LOL.. much longer.) Maybe you haven’t! It could all just be from my own POV with how differently i feel that I delegate time to characters now. I did not start “writing” FFAK until chapter 10, and then i did not really start WRITING writing ffak until about.. Honestly, i want to say as late as 2019. It TOOK SO LONG you guys. I dont even know how many fucking thousands of pages of madness word documents I’ve got, with revision after revision and trying to list, contain, every possibly plotline… character backstory.. Blah blah blah.. Ive cut it down so much its impressive only to me. I don’t remember my lore anymore , and i love it. My readers probably know my lore better, and I don’t love it. Except when it benefits me. Then Its good. I would not describe myself as a RUTHLESS cut THROAT author, im actually too way sentimental to really let go of anyone. That’s why it took me so long to kill off Rock, but also because I wanted spoon to look really sexy and evil and that’s hard to do sometimes when I cant remember what half side he is. And when he was flipping around, I had to actually make a paper doll for him so i could TRY .. TRY to draw his arm on the correct side. Sometimes I didn’t. I just let it go if the drawing is good enough and i let it be a fun game for the readers to catch. But anyway, That’s why characters like Aeschylus are still around. Now that time has passed, I kind of regret it. Rome was right.. I dont need Aeschylus here and I’m mad he brought his friend Randall too. That being said, they’re some of my favorite characters in this arc even if they’re totally useless. In general, i have tried my best to not repeat all my writing sins and all my regrets of arc 1. I would not have been able to do this without the help of NRD to help get me to see that I can get attached and motivated to write new stories. When I hit my writing block in 2016/2017, it almost broke FFAK. FFAK still continued, but it also didn’t. But i was patient, and i worked through it.. And now I look forward to the ends of my comics, not because I want them to end but I’m very deeply excited for all the new opportunities my imagination to go to. I don’t know what that will be like. I don’t know how long it will still take me to get there, but I have it on [digital] paper and it does feel good to see that. Its affirming. I feel like i have a clear mission and I feel strong enough to really do it and commit to it. The second arc has barely started but in my heart I’ve made peace with the ending, whatever it might actually result as. 

Plus if I finish it and its so bad, I’m sure that will be inspiring in itself! People might actually write fanfics!! I think a lot of readers are NOT going to enjoy the ships, for one. The MEAN greedy part of me hopes they don’t. That’s the most ruthless part of my writing to me is the ship choices. Oh! My evil mind. I mean theres no possible way to please everyone, or even myself, but there is a possible way to displease a lot of people. Including myself. So that’s kind of the route I find myself drawn to. Why? Because it gets me out of the hole of like.. I dunno, being stuck. 

I used to write out a lot of big posts but over the years, I’ve kinda stopped. Mostly bc they were honestly really repetitive..or about lore that didn’t truly matter too much… That hasn’t really changed. This post is more or less “im still working on it, everyone! Just hang tight! Wow it’ll be a crazy wild ride” but it also is something I wanted to write to myself as words of encouragement. This has been a tough year. Like so tough that its hard to think about. But its very nice to feel like, i guess, my drive for my stories hasn’t gone anywhere. If anything, i really feel like i’ve gone through the mourning and ego death of “not being able to write a thing how you want” and now I’ve made total peace with it. Its just gonna be what it is, and I like that actually. When my life is tough, my comics at the moment serve as a place of hope for me - and assurance that I can survive through tough years. That’s the message they have ultimately given me, finished or not. And… I honestly don’t think of FFAK or NRD as my masterpieces or anything, but i know they might very well be the only stories people will know of when they think of me. If they think of me! So I wanna do a complete job with those. Rest assured, it’ll get there. I cant make big promises about all the comics I work on… even the bonus comics for FFAK, but at least those main two are my main priorities. That has not changed. THE FIRE is still in me. Even if FFAK took a like.. Mental.. 5 year hiatus its back baby. 

I’m about 30 pages in to my 50 page script for chapter 16, so I guess it’ll be around 300-400 pages more before its done. Things are picking up speed! So it could be less. I am also preparing for the monster that is the 7th nasty red dogs chapter. I cannot stress ENOUGH that this next chapter, I have put off since chapter 4. Yes, I’ve actually buffed the story out to be longer than it intended, just to avoid drawing it. I even put a horse guy in there, I never draw horses because those ALSO have legs but they’re worse than dog legs. And, its not that i didn’t want to draw this part of the comic! But I didn’t think i could do it. It intimidated me. It still does, but, I’m gonna do it already. I know chapters 8-10 will be hard too but like…eh… I know in my heart its gonna really be about 7 for me. It always has been about 7 to me.. 2024 will be a big year for my comics for sure, just because of that alone I think. Not only will I have chapter 16 done, as the first step of the 2nd arc and a new adventure of my apocalyptic wormy drama, I’ll be facing my fears of the dog variety. Its TIME. 

I’m so happy people have stuck around for my work, or shared it with others, even if they’re a strange mess. Its interesting to see, who comes and goes. I still enjoy refreshing my comments every morning when I wake up, and right before I go to bed. Its comforting.

My closing thoughts on this. I don’t HATE the ending of FFAK. I… like it! Its an ending. But I LOVE the ending to NRD. i think that ones legit good, i hope. With FFAK, part of me kinda hopes that turning up the pressure on myself of proceeding anyway will help the story. I don’t really know, or expect the ending to change though LOL…. Maybe i’ll come up with something better, but it will be too late so I cant do it or something, and then we can ALL write fanfics together of something else. Then sometimes I think about GUNNM and how the first ending was retconned but then last order was like? Basically the first ending again? I dont know actually, its hard to remember. THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN BTW. Also the ending is not everyone dies, even though that ending is fun and tempting. I didn’t do it, because end of evangelion already exists and its got a great song to go along with it too. YES it is also tempting to have someone go “WELL That was A FEAST.. For a KING” as the like final line, but I.. it wont wont. I prommy i take the ending seriously.

The reason I wanted to write all this, with webcomics, I think in general too people are so scared about writing their big comics that take 328523895235 years and the ending being bad. I see so many webcomics just, kinda die before the finale.. Which I totally understand, But I just.. Wanna show everyone that its much better and much more satisfying to just write the ending even if its a fucking disaster LOL. Because ultimately, its a webcomic. I don’t even know how to spell but people read mine! And so.. If theres anything I feel like i can promise and deliver to the world of the internet/my readers, is this big fucking disaster mess.. But it will end someday! And I’ll miss it. I hope readers will too, when that day comes (?) in probably another… 10 years…. idk.... BUT UNTIL THEN.. I hope you’ll enjoy the rest of chapter 16!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Kosmic Dream

[scrufflebolt]

my personal sven svensson headcanons

- he would most likely be 24-26 in canon but hes 23 to me, why not?

- isnt actually physically weak, he was just too busy talking to actually get ready to fight henry so he was caught off guard

- average height, maybe 5'9, or 5'10. just a bit shorter than swedish average though which is 5'11

- more than likely canon, but he's VERY talkative. stay in a room with him too long he'll rant to you about his opinions and interests for hours

- it'll take him a while to notice but he'll stop talking if you're uninterested

- lets his hair grow out a lil (as shown in the drawing above) and cuts it after a while

- usually cuts his own hair but whenever he doesnt he lets earrings cut it

- fluffy hair, and by that i mean its real soft and nice. he gets annoyed if its oiley because it feels weird

- has like 2 moles on his face

- joined the toppat clan at a young age, perhaps 16. ive jumped on the conclusion that he was taken by rhm while they were robbing a bank/store while sven, himself was attempting to steal something

- was those stereotypical troubled teenagers. hes changed a lot as an adult now and is more mature and is a respectable young man. however he still has little bits and pieces of his past personality now he'll show off duty. like he'll be a little playfully mean and tease you just a lil.

- kinda sassy lmao but also unintentionally rude sometimes

- actually laid back when he's not stressed or angry. but he gets stressed out easily, especially ever since he's been a leader.

- is up for new things but HATES having to be forced to change things

- he either perceives mr macbeth or rhm/reg as a father figure. they call him "son" and give him advice occasionally. its one of them, i just havent decided which one i wanted it to be yet.

- it's just a father-son like relationship but it's not an actual one because i hc reg/rhm to be in their late 30's/early 40's

- hes not THAT obsessed with sharks. yeah i say he'd like sharks but he wouldnt know the answer if u asked him a specific question abt sharks.

- very prideful. very open about his identity, nationality, opinions, blah blah blah, all of it. he'll talk all about it

- gets embarrassed easily, especially if hes proven wrong in an argument or if he was wrong about something but hey, at least he'll admit it

- looks like a child in some pictures of him and hates it (he looks like a little kid in some endings from thsc but looks like an actual adult in others)

- thinks dogs > cats

- real tired, the adjust to him becoming leader is too much to handle

- WANTS to rest but doesn't because if he finishes all his work then he could get it all done with then rest after

hope u enjoyed these hcs, haven't seen anyone else headcanon or perceive sven the same way i do yet (i will occasionally edit this post to add more)

[freebooter4ever]

So you guys know i (try to) post daily doodles, and i have said before that i draw for about 2-3 hrs every night. BUT that also means i dont post about like 80-90% of the drawings i do each night. Today though, i've been thinking about A*I and my own relationship with drawing, and how utterly baffled i am that anyone would want to use it to like...draw for them..and how the concept that *tell a computer what art to do so i dont have to do it* is alien to me. So here's ALL the drawings i did tonight. The bottom one is the last one i did and the one i would normally post. And i want to talk about A*I without talking about good or bad end product. Because i dont care if im making the shittiest art in the universe - i still wouldn't use A*I. Not even as a ‘tool’.

If you've been around here for a while you know i have a love/hate relationship with my art. I write too, but writing doesnt make me so frustrated and angry that i want to throw my computer out a second story window. HOWEVER. There is a huge caveat to that anger.

It happens after.

You could look at it a little like hockey. Every game is fresh, right? I mean god knows the US made an entire movie about how every game is a new game and the odds could always fall in your favor no matter how stacked against you. So every drawing i go into it excited - like LOOK at that reference material, its gorgeous. The gesture is beautiful, the post is interesting, there is something about it that is just begging to be drawn. But then say you hit intermission in the hockey game and the opposing team scored a few points. And i step back and look at the drawing and realize i started to go wrong somewhere along the way. But its too late now, you gotta commit and keep going. And you do but somehow the final score is STILL 6 to 0 and thats when i want to flush all my art down the toilet and never look at it again. But its okay because the next drawing is going to start with a blank canvas and who cares what happened last time.

Ok maybe a bad example.

The product is never really what drives me to draw - i mean, sure i do like it a heck of a lot better when i have something /anything/ that i can post to show that im sticking with my everyday doodle. But its not a requirement to doodling. The process of drawing is always fun. Its when i come out of it and look at the stupid thing that im like ‘well fuck i fucked that one up again didnt i’, and THEN i get annoyed lol.

I dont sit there consumed with frustration over ‘gee i dont know what to draw’. This is never an issue. I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DRAW. Sometimes i avoid certain gifs/photos because in the back of my mind im like ‘yeah no, i havent leveled up that far yet, i cant do that justice’. But i dont want to admit the sheer number of images of geno alone i have saved. I think my biggest reference folder is still aoki and that has over two thousand screenshots - i dont think anyone will ever surpass that LOL. I have a never ending supply of practice art to be done.

The frustration comes when i have an image in my head and i want to get it down on paper so-to-speak (computer whatever). So - when im NOT using reference (or at least not an exact one) and am making an ‘illustration’ (ish). But again, the process isn't the issue. I like the act of drawing, i like the image in my head slowly taking shape, i like how vividly i can see it. Yall know how obsessed i am with personality - that's not just part of the drawing, that IS the drawing. And each deicision in the illustration is defined by the personality/character.

A computer can't fucking do this.

Could i maybe tell a computer ‘draw geno in the shower’. Sure. And it probably could. And if i didnt care about the process - if all i wanted was a very good drawing of geno in the shower....that probably would be fine. Maybe great even. Maybe it would be the best damn drawing of geno in the shower ever. And then i'd feel like shit because a machine is producing art that is more valuable to other people than mine ever will be. But holy fucking shit that ruins the entire POINT of drawing???? Why would you do that?

I mean, im sure yall can infer the entire point of the act of drawing geno in the shower. He's hot, he's wet. ANYWAY.

In my opinion, a person who wants the end product and doesn't care about the process of getting there....that person is not an artist. That person is someone who enjoys art, and probably thinks they have a lot of good ideas to make into art, but who doesn't feel that pull to make art themselves. They just want to buy art. And they want it cheap. And mindless computers being trained in seconds on the decades of creativity and hard work of art masters is a heck of a lot cheaper than a human.

And the hardest part of all this for me is how worthless this makes me feel - nobody wants you, they want that automatic button. Kinda like my dad that way (haha)

[cheetahdash]

AU IDEA - Danganronpa x OutsiderSSMP

oh I should have been working on the animatic but I do what I do.

- TW// DEATH AND OTHER SERIOUS TOPICS

- AND SPOILERS FOR OUTSIDERSSMP IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED

So hello everyone! I don't usually post stuff like this because I'm not much of a writer however after brainstorming a drawing I thought that it seemed an awful like a danganronpe execution... So I present to the people of Outsiderssmp tumblr. My little brainstorm for an AU based around Danganronpa and its killing game. For the scrunkies who practically did that without a monokuma.

MCs - Owen and Magic

Trial one -

Note: I support woman and gay crimes /hj (PLEASE ITS /HJ) I also figured since they never had a good relationship in the first place that Guts would like to get the first blood on someone they would find annoying, and I think Mohwee's character is very out there even in the canon. I just think they would argue and something would go wrong.

Verdict: Guts || Victim: Mohwee

Trial two:

Note: Oeca kills for revenge for Mohwee's death however its mixed with his own loneliness convincing Squidney to let him kill her. I would imagine this to be the loudest murder yet the quietest. I feel like people tend to forget the second trials in Dangan games, and I feel like this would have the same vibe. Still heartbreaking though.

Verdict: Oeca || Victim: Squidney

------------------------------------------

Note: Apo gets accused at first of killing him and after trial people still suspect him -> Isolated from rest of group -> Owen kills him after “???”

I really like the idea of sticking with the canon with this, they dont find out about Apo's death until MUCH later.

-------------------------------------------

Trial three -

Note: I like this one simply because it plays along with the actual canon, except its people who LIVED after Bek's show but die here due to Bek's desperation to leave. She kills people she was close by proximity to but actively decides to spare Magic despite her being the most obvious target for her.

Verdict: Bek || Victim: El and Ayngel

Trial Four -

Note: Apo is finally found after the events of Bek's trial and they find him in a unlikely yet peaceful spot. This is the part of the AU where we would find out Owen's true identity and how his perspective would slowly turn,, a bit strange. Suspicious and Magic can sense it but glosses over it until the last moment when Owen reveals himself and faces no remorse until the last second when he is faced with Rasbi and eventually Apo as he dies.

Verdict: Owen || Victim: Apo

Trial Five

Note: Oh, it's the reverse this time, now that we know that Krow isn't all that powerful I would like to imagine that its Kyle that finds this out by trying to kill it and succeeding thinking he did a good thing. When in reality it would lead to his downfall -> Kyle and Acho ending once again the same but in a different way

Verdict: Kyle || Victim: Krow

------------------------------------

Survivors

Magic, Graecie, Red, Acho, Spidey, Eryn and Rasbi (yes rasbi survives, shocker)

I don't have much to say about the survivors really, most of them are either way too nice for anyone to have killed them off or managed to slip through by not making too many enemies (cough red). Specifically, Graecie was always going to survive with Magic,, girlbossduo will live on.

If this gets enough attention, I will be considering writing more for it or if anyone would like to pick up the AU idea you can message me cause I would be willing to help out!

But for now I have other work to attend to o/

[eggtwobroes]

big post explaining/apologizing for my (eggtwobroes/theyhitthepentagon) behavior under the read more

sorry for maintagging this i just. think its important

i dont really kniw how to word what im thinking so im like. going to type it as im thinking. but i wanted to make a real genuine post explaining my behavior over the past year, because ive been a dick there is no avoiding it!! this post is going to be about how ive acted from june up until now. im mostly going to be explaining the situations and apologizing. if you see this please feel free to share it around, i know it most likely will not reach alot of people because i have like. a loot of people blocked. and alot of people have me blocked. idk please share this ok thank u

back in june 2022 (specifically one year tomorrow, june 16th) i got like. really worked up after i had foundout that most of my adult mutuals (and some people i followed) were drawing hlvrai nsfw! the only post i had made about it (at least from what i remember) is liiike a not Kind post that basically said "hey if u like hlvrai nsfw please block me i thought that was common sense". after i posted this a large hlvrai artist (either by chance or caused by me) posted like "hey if u shit on hlvrai porn ur homophobic! sex is an important part of gay relationships etc etc"

this caused a Massive out break of discourse over hlvrai nsfw and me getting alot of adults in my inbox being weird towards me. here i feel its important to mention that:

when i was 12, i was around Ex Friends that posted a lot of porn of media i liked. even though most of them were teenagers and not that much older than me it Greatly Impacted Me and how i act, both related to what i saw and how i was treated

i used twitter from ages 12-15 (recently left) and you know how they handle conflict there. its not good

i dont think either of these excuse how i acted (but they may explain it)

the combined pressure of getting a bunch of adults in my anons being (from my perspective) really weird about this 14 year old kid who doesnt want porn artists to interact, and the unhealed trauma of Being Exposed To Homestuck Porn When I Was 12 (a devastating situation that everyone goes though all the time) i didnt really. handle it in a Good Way. which Means i sent horrible anon hate to people.i dont clearly remember if i made alot of public posts about the situation at the time (beyond answering the anons i was getting) but if i did im very very VERY sorry.

i feel like. alot of how i acted during this time (june-early august, mostly) was extremely Dickish and rude. as much as i justify or explain why i acted the way i did, i was still causing issues and handling the situation in a way that was unhealthy for not just myself but for everyone else around me. for this i really genuinely do apologize as much as i can, to the people ive hurt (melonsharks, xenodogz, many other artists) and to the people who were annoyed by me rehashing 3 year old drama. ever since the situation i have been working towards learning to block people and move on if they make content that makes me feel nauseous.

As for how ive acted in recent months, mostly over characterization, im not going to pretend that im already a new person. because im not! as much as i say im trying to be less of an asshole im just Not. it takes effort that i feel like im not putting in.

for those who just Dont look at my pages often enough, i will occasionally make posts about how hlvrai fans treat or characterize the. characters. and lets behonest these posts are really rude and ive been working on at LEAST being more vague or keeping it in private or like. just Not Posting it. but of course i HAVENT done all of those things! ive been really unvague!

ive posted direct screenshots of authors writing (someone younger than me, ive recently learned) to shit on it for being mischaracterized. i should Not have done that. at the very least i should have kept my thoughts to myself, not even shared with my friends.

after reading how other authors and artists have felt about the things ive said, and looking at the way ive come to think of other artists or authors in the community, ive realized that even though i thought i was targetting mischaracterization and poor treatment of the characters, i was harming and discouraging artists and authors who are still learning and growing as creators.

for this, im VERY very sorry to all of the artists and writers ive hurt or discouraged with my posts. i want to personally apologize to joyflameball, for publicly posting about and hating on your writing and the discouragement i caused as a result. i should have never put mischaracterization over your own feelings, and i definitely should not have put your work on blast, especially because we are (i think) around the same age. i will be trying as best as i can to deconstruct the way ive come to think of other creators in this community and support other creators as best i can.

i dont expect to be forgiven for the way ive acted, since alot of this is VERY very recent and so far i dont think ive shown any signs of improvement. i am writing this post now because i want you all to know that i will be trying my hardest to become a better person, change the way i think of other people, and change the way i act in public. i dont think my actions can be excused, as much as i try my best to explain them from my perspective. ive undeniably hurt many people. if i havent addressed something important, or if you have any questions/things to say, please feel free to send me an ask or dm me at wretched yaoi lich#9564 on discord. im most likely going to be queueing this post alot so my followers see it. thank u for ur time

[warmpilsner]

i dont feel Great about sadposting on tumblr particularly when im not really on here much for much else but i dunno man theres that growing up a sad lonely teen on the internet itch that only angsting away on social media can fill. so im giving myself one (1) post because i feel that the state of my me is just plummeting so hard its a little scary. im safe and all im good at keeping myself safe but otherwise ive just fallen back to a point of anxiety agitation dread constant urgency constant restless energy intrusive thoughts to hell and back deeply deeply fragile which is not good at all when i work as a THERAPIST!!!! if i didnt have this holiday coming up i would really be having to consider taking extended sick leave bc i am finding it so hard rn to do therapy im getting triggered by stuff my clients bring to sessions, like not in session in session im totally fine but then later that night or whatever im finding myself experiencing things i havent experienced for years and im like huh wheres that coming from before remembering a client was speaking about it earlier. they warn you about this in therapy school but until now ive been solid enough to cope, like its obviously difficult working w people who experience [fill in the blank of whatever self destructive behaviour thought pattern whatever which i have in some cases very tenuously recovered from] but until now i have been able to stay grounded enough to empathise, draw from my own experiences to do so, but ultimately leave that in the therapy room when i go home. but now im like ouuufhhhhhh oughhhhh and i just feel so awful all the time like my resting heart rate has gone crazy which tbf might be the new adhd meds but man theres just so much shit going on. every time i get a text from literally anyone i want toccry because i feel like they are upset with me or going to ask something from me that i cannot give right now and actually it feels that responding to messages is something i cannot give right now but also im so desperate for connection because i feel so deathly so i am frantically spamming the discord with annoying shit like Hi!!!! Hi!!!!Hi!!!!! everything is so intense and urgent and shaky i feel explosive and out of control i need to MOVE HOUSES i need christmas break i need to lay down and for all of my friends to lay on top of me like a weighted blanket of friendship . we did that on my bday last year like 6 friends i think maybe ill ask for that again on my bday this year it was very calming. breathe breathe breathe baby youre brave you're strong you're doing it youre a bomb ass therapist and your colleagues are gonna love you for bringing them lebkuchen

[the-rookinator-3000]

i'm going to assume someone else already sent this by now but just in case. rookie! :-)

its been so long. i still havent answered so FINALLY i got the motivation to. get ready.

🍕 > ROOKIE HCS BELOW!!! THESE ARE EXTREMELY BIASED

he has adhd NOW listen to me i actually did make an entire analysis of rookie's behavioural patterns once before but now it's probably all gone or i scrapped it but IT MADE. SENSE. OKAY and also this is about general hcs im not about to drop a whole analysis on rookie again

also maybe even autism but hmm not so sure abt that one

he uses he/him pronounce but also hes very much not cis do you get it

rookie is multilingual! the club penguin team would probably use this idea for like a one off joke because rookie is the comm lead and can speak different languages

rookie and flit are very close! they go on adventures a lot and flit takes a liking to rookie (i think i've said this beforehand? i dont remember) BUT ITS CUTE OKAY. IMAGINE A LITTLE MINISERIES WITH THEM!!! also its implied in one of rookie's new years quotes in the CPT that he has a puffle

both PH and dot call him "flit 2"

rookie's nickname is "rooks" and specifically dot, cadence and rory call him that. jpg has also called him that ONCE

(semi-canon) aunt arctic gives rookie leadership lessons! you know how rookie is the director of the future EPF right.. so more or less AA training him/bonding and stuff

also another thing is that AA and rookie are like family!!! not exactly family bc .. reasons but its like the found family trope! rookie goes to AA for advice and comfort often

(semi-canon?) rookie hates horror movies/he gets scared very easily

the rubber ducky is his comfort item!! he cant go anywhere without it! if anything bad happens to it rookie is just going to start sobbing on the spot. he also likes to lie saying that it's also his lucky item when he just likes it around him

(CANON) rookie keeps a diary! he likes to decorate them with tiny stickers as if it were his stamp book.

he also likes to draw suns on the pages to indicate his mood, the suns looking a lot like his signature

rookie and dot have a sibling relationship! dot is like a dependable older sister to rookie, the two are a very good duo! (its also very funny to think of the contrast of how sweet and understanding dot is to rookie and how ruthless and sassy she is to jpg...)

rookie is surprisingly very crafty!

rookie likes to draw, although canonically he isn't very good at drawing, he likes to draw regardless! it helps him pass the time

rookie is not fond of rory at all, he finds him kind of annoying. rory however thinks of rookie like his little brother, and likes to pester rookie a lot whenever rookie is nearby

rookie has no family. not explaining any further than that

rookie's igloo was kind of infected by the box dimension's weirdness, thus a lot of his igloo is basically just made of cardboard and is a lot bigger on the inside. however, the outside still remains the same! rookie's weird.. portal igloo

rookie and klutzy very much get along! and i also planned this one scenario where even herbert could sympathize with rookie but i digress thats for my mind only

rookie and dj maxx are friends! (mostly inspired by CPL and how dj maxx borrowed rookie's shirt... i cant believe rookie has so much red penguin rizz)

whenever rookie's mind is set on something, especially if it's something stupid like installing a game on the epf mainframe, he'll actually be able to do it, but will probably forget or just not explain well how he did it . do you get it

rookie is silly :3

OKAY I THINK THATS ALL. THIS WAS A LOT.

[raidenloml]

3 from the askgane dor whichever characters u want >:]

ack!!!! ok so!!!

3. weapon of choice? any particular reason they chose their weapon?

(this is a perfect question as ive been playing more splatoon 3 recently so i actually have a feel for the weapons i want my characters to use hihi + ill just list all of the ones i currently have chosen weapons for!)

turns out, this post grew way longer than i thought it would so uh woe read more be upon you

Arsenic:

Definitely Splatana Wiper as main and (Luna) Blaster as secondary, he has a quick and agressive playstyle so these are the weapons he usually goes for (also his aim is absolute dog with chargers and splatlings are a little bulky and slow for him, he can use shooters when needed but he doesnt find them interesting to play)

Link:

Probably sticks with a vanilla Splat Charger, likes to play support/backline but still pressures the opposite team quite a bit whilst staying out of fire himself. Other than his proficiency with his main weapon he probably has some practice in with other weapon classes as well. (This is because he works for Ammo Knights hihi)

I'd imagine him being kind of well known for his absolutely bonkers k/d ratio because of his high awareness playstyle but he would definitely have the dumbest deaths in practice :')

Zel:

Zel is a HUGE fan of heavy weaponry like this woman is absolutely insane about them and practices every single one she can get her hands on but her main weapon of choice in battle would probably be a Dynamo Roller or a Nautilus when she's feeling extra silly... as for why its mainly because it helps her stay physically strong and uhhh lifting super heavy weapon in practice means she doesnt have to go to the gym often

A4:

Definitely shooter class weapons, probably sticks to something like an N-Zap, Splash-o-Matic, Splattershot and Splattershot Pro but is quite handy with a Squiffer when needed. I imagine at some point A4 and Link would switch roles just before a match to confuse the opponent (very silly behaviour)

BONUS!!!!!!!! These are characters which i havent really thought of in a competitive sense or havent developed yet

itll be very messy going forward mainly because i want to yap so hard about these little inkfish thumbs up

Fern:

Fern doesn't really play that much but would probably prefer Dualies, not sure which but she'd probably switch it up sometimes

Violet:

Brella 100% (i dont know how to explain it i just feel it in my bones) her Brella would probably be decorated to the max literally her pride and joy (also known as her favourite fashion accessory as she's too busy with her job to actually use it in battle :( boowomp)

Amber: (<- Arsenic's younger sister!!!)

Brella/Bucket, i haven't really thought of her in battle but she'd probably just mess around a ton lol

Ise Rotag:

Ise was originally the character that was Link's like future partner??? their story was really nice but he got replaced by Arsenic after i abandoned the two for a few months and decided to revive Link again (you will see Ise more btw i fucking love his design and cuntyness) FOR THE WEAPON! Probably an Inkbrush honestly this guy loves to be annoying and sneak up on backliners when they least expect it, plays very aggressively as well... also his name has a really funny origin and if youre able to guess it ill uhh idk good job

I have 3 other characters but they all dont have names so uhm yeah ill just go quickly through these

oc based on coroika, inkling, probably something backline, dont imagine them in battle often

waiter, octoling, grim blaster (or so me from 2 years ago wrote down)

shut-in, inkling, new squiffer (again according to notes left to their design drawings)

2&3 were together and 1 was a sona for shits and giggles but uh theyll come back someday!! i promise!!! like their designs and relationship dynamics too much!!! they might even be Ise's new teammates!!!

[neolxzr]

i had ur post about twt stuff reccomended 2 me and ough. ive never been on twitter and i love aira sm what the hell are they saying about him over there.

sorry if this gets long this topic bothers me so much dghfk the first part actually answers your question anon the rest is just me ranting

amen to you for never looking at twitter but basically theres a lot of people on enstars twitter who HATE aira. it depends on the person but its usually some variation of "he's racist." ive seen several people on twitter get harrassed and have to go private over making tweets that boiled down to "aira is fine actually." there are people who like him on there but i get the consensus that hating him is a very normal and accepted opinion to have

there is one interaction of aira's that i think is bad and choose to ignore like most enstars fans do with at least one of their favorite characters because sometimes the writing sucks lol. like most people choose to ignore all of the weird transphobic comments towards naru that their favs have made but apparently aira isnt allowed that same treatment? lol

but in general the way he's treated over there bothers me for a couple of reasons

1) stop drawing conclusions about characters when you havent fucking read their stories!!!! i know for a fact that most people who hate aira haven't even read most of the main story or feather touch or any story that talks about his character and just take what other people say about him at face value and its annoying. also they just disregard his growth as a character entirely 2) most people take a very western centric view when looking at him so they disregard his struggle with being mixed race because they dont think hes like. oppressed enough? when most people dont understand how different the culture in japan is and how it might actually affect him (again. read his stories please) 3) aira is like. 15. and yes, he is mean sometimes. he is a child. the way he acts is pretty normal teenager behavior, especially for someone who is written as being really insecure 4) he is not real!!!! you cannot ask a fictional character to take accountability for their actions because he is not going to make an apology video about it

this goes back to the thing i was saying in my other post about twitter's weird obsession with having the moral highground when it doesnt matter at all. liking an anime character is like the least harmful thing ever and trying to police what characters are ok to like isnt social justice grahfghdj

TLDR twitter loves calling aira racist and i think its really annoying, reductive of his character, and kind of just plain wrong, but its a really good example of twitter users feeling the need to try and be morally superior to other people for no reason over stupid things

[silvershayde]

Sharing cus tbh I feel lonely rn and I'm very confused? Feeling s bit uninspired

So today (last day of classes before mid term break) I had an eye appointment and they said my eyes produce less tears, Haven't read up on it but they also mentioned technology and how it causes headaches

I'm almost done with school so I actually have soooooooo much free time sans the studying I gotta do, but I also wanne reduce my technology usage cus I have a crippling dependency ever since I had to revise my other hobbies to not get out of track with classes, but just thinking of picking up those hobbies again feels daunting and like, I won't be able to feel the love I had for them which makes me sad :(

I already crochet and have books to draw in, but writing for fic has always been online cus it's just easier to save and preserve my writing that way (plus more secure in my case) than to write ideas in a book and run the risk of them getting lost. But I really wanna cut down tech usage so instead of just writing out the plot in full I'll use paper and pen to write out the outline of my story plots and then make notes of the misadventures or side quests the characters go through and the characteristics of the characters

Honestly, I'm talking about this to someone else cus I kinda want an alternative perspective? I realised that school has made me so dependent on someone telling me what to do and I hate it, so I wanna try and practice independence more, especially planning how I wanna do my hobbies

okay, so as someone who has written stories both online and physically in a book, i was more productive writing it down on paper. sadly i did lose the book, but that was more because i did move around quite a bit when i was younger and it was hectic and not because of negligence on my part (then again i am also known for losing things but usually i eventually find them. and i actually don't know if i would read it back or not i was like 12 when i wrote it lolol)

I don't know too much about less tears can do to your eyes other than your more prone to have irritation and straight up scratches on the eyeball (i know this because my optician told me i had this but then didn't tell me what to do about it - still haven't done anything about it but i know eyedrops help)

honestly do what you truly think is best for you. if you're struggling with what to choose i suggest doing a pros and cons list and put em side by side. that's what i do when i'm truly indecisive and other's opinions don't really help. but! i will say that even if indecisive and asking others opinions, usually you lowkey know deep down what you wanna do and all it takes is someone else's thought process to know if you would fully go for it.

if you wanna cut down tech usage, instead of going cold turkey and making it harder for yourself, use night shift/night light (or whatever is your device/phone's equivalent) so you can reduce blue light at night. I know that androids have this black and white thing that gets enabled at a time for you. ALSO!! i cannot stress this, disable notifications. You'd be surprised about how much less you'd go on apps and stuff when notifs be off. But this is all the stuff that's worked for me personally, you can try these out to see if they work.

eye strain is a very real thing. technology/screens/whatever are usually what causes this and even looking away from a screen and doing something else can make it worse if it gets that bad. when you start to get that annoying thing at the back of your eyes or you feel a light ache around your eyes, know your slowly starting to experience eye strain and you need to relax them. having dry eyes i think make it worse because of the scratching/irritation it can cause and because if your eyes are dry enough, your ability to BLINK would start to get affected. and that's just a long day

about your other hobbies, i get it feeling daunting if you havent dabbled in a while, i feel it whenever i get back to drawing after a long while. all i can say to that is slowly ease yourself back into doing it. start small, because if you go in acting as if there has been no time between the last time you've participated in your hobbies, you could start being overly harsh on yourself if it isn't going as smooth as you wanted. but trying it out, is better than not at all. and it'd help reduce screen time

[morroodle]

Towards the end of day 4 of top surgery recovery and figured I'd share how it's going. Idk if this can help anyone else but its at least going to help me. Prepare for out of order chaos

The pain isn't too bad! Like yea it hurts but I got used to it and I can take pain meds to help

Getting out of bed is a pain in the ass though. Going from laying down to sitting up is HARD (it's definitely not because I have no abs)

Speaking of pain: the drains. They don't hurt by themselves but when I shift wrong and they tug? Not fun. Not sure how to explain it but pinching isn't inaccurate

Drain fluid. Does not smell good. It's not a very strong smell and you get used to it pretty fast but it's still not fun

I also. Do not smell good. God I can't wait to shower

My mom spilled the drain fluid on me. Twice. Ew.

It's fuckn ITCHY. Always just below where I can reach through the bandages. I am going to kill someone.

Other itches are annoying too. They may not be covered by bandages but with such limited mobility it's annoying. I got a back scratcher but those don't help much when you can barely move your arms

I've probably been moving more than I'm supposed to

Love it when I move wrong and suddenly there's pain and a very suspicious warm feeling and I can't check to see what's wrong because of the bandages

Bendy straw my beloved <333 the $20 ninjago cup I got from legoland is finally making itself worth it

The first day I was incredibly nauseous. I could barely sit up for a few minutes, much less stand. Made eating dinner... not easy.

Day 2 I was feeling great! Even touched some grass!

Day 3 morning: nearly threw up when changing my shirt. I didn't but oh god it was not fun. I've never been nauseous like that before, I was hot inside but my skin was cold and my mom said the color very literally drained from my face. Made me stuck in a chair for like 20 minutes until I could stomach going back to bed.

I'm fine now (probably)

I've been enjoying being taken care of. I'm lucky enough to have a very good support system and I appreciate it. I also appreciate always getting my pic of food >:D

God I want a hug. I'm gonna get so squished once I'm healed and I fully accept my fate

Mentioning again my hatred for the drains. I was very scared of them going into this, I didn't like the idea of having tubes both in and out of my body. I don't really care about that now, I don't see it and I've gotten used to it, but god they are so annoying

I'm not nearly as tired as I was expecting! Sure I'm a bit sleeper than normal but it's really not that bad.

I'm bored

I wanna draw ;-; I havent had motivation or ideas for weeks but the moment it becomes inconvenient? Release the floodgates!

I haven't actually noticed the lack of boobs much yet. Maybe it's because they're still bandaged and I can't see or maybe it's because I live in my mastectomy pillow but I haven't really had a rush of emotions yet

It's kinda weird. I was expecting to feel so much but everything so far just feels so... normal? It's not normal but I've gotten used to it. Its like I'm waiting for my emotions to catch up

That being said there is one thing I've noticed and definitely felt things about. I had a pretty big chest and there used to be quite a dip between them and now there's just... nothing. It's flat. I'm sure this is just a fraction of what I'll feel when I get the bandages off for the first time but this tiny bit that I can see and feel right now is... wow. It's weird. God I can't wait for the rest of it

That's all I can think of for now, I'll keep yall updated on how things go from here and hopefully this can help someone! I know most of this has been complaining but I am not trying to discourage anyone from this, I've just only experienced the bad parts so far. I'm sure I'll make a similar post listing all the positives once I get there but for now things aren't very fun

[mynameis-a]

rambling about levels in apeirophobia because i have nothing better to do with my time!

i played this game religiously back in march/april, and i've gotten to know the levels very well. (i've been accused of speedrunning multiple times because of how quickly i managed to get through some of the levels /srs) but i havent played it in quite a while.

(and for those who don't know [aka most people probably]: apeirophobia is a backrooms game on roblox. seeing as apeirophobia is the fear of infinity or endlessness, i think its very fitting for a game about being trapped in seemingly endless liminal spaces)

(also this is very long i'm sorry)

level 0: lobby [4/10]

definitely not the best level.

once you get spotted by the entity, you really just cant get away unless you have the gamepasses that give you more speed and stamina (at least i think that would work? i don't actually have the game passes so i'm not quite sure)

i do like the layout of the map though. as long as i don't run into the entity, i can get through that level pretty quickly!

level 1: the poolrooms [7/10]

its very easy to do in multiplayer, but i can't do it solo. (thats most levels to be fair though)

i know the exact locations of all the valves you need to find! one of them is on the left side of the map, while the other 4 are one after the other along the right wall (leading to the exit). most people either don't know or forget about the 5th one, so i always go for that one. it makes the level go so much faster when the group doesn't have to go back and try to find the last one!

but if people are whistling and drawing the starfish towards the spawn hallway before anyone has a chance to get out, any like i have for this level just goes out the window.

and speaking of the metaphorical window,

level 2: the windows [5/10]

theres literally nothing to even say about this level.

its just 30 seconds maximum of running.

no obstacles, no entities, no nothing.

i mean its kinda fun to race the other players but thats it.

ranking this higher than the lobby because this one isnt annoying.

level 3: abandoned office [5/10]

i either really really like playing this level, or really really hate it. which is why it gets a 5/10.

when people do nothing but distracting the hound, leaving me to carry everyone else by getting the keys and buttons? those are the best. i genuinely love carrying in this game! i know where all the buttons are, and having someone take the hounds attention away from me makes it so much easier than if everyone was trying to find stuff at once! plus i know what buttons have been pressed and what keys have been found.

when i get to be the distraction, that's also not so bad! i like to lure the hound far into the spawn hallway so that the other players can run faster without needing to worry about it. sometimes i do die, i'm not that good, but being farther into thehallway also means i can immediately run to the exit when all the buttons are pressed!

when everyone is doing their own thing, that's when i hate it. no communication whatsoever. nobody knows who has the keys, or what buttons have been pressed, and everyone keeps dying to the hound. and considering as this is the majority of the servers i've played this level on, it just makes me not want to play it as much.

honestly, i would prefer to play this level with 3 people who have never even gotten to this level before that just let me carry them, than a bunch of "pros" that don't even realize that they have one of the keys on them.

level 4: the sewers [8/10]

this is the level that makes people think i'm a pro.

i have joined so so many rooms when people couldn't get past this level because its such a long and complicated maze (which it is) and the i show up and beat it easily.

i actually went to the wiki and looked at a map of the maze while playing it myself on a single player server. and if there's one thing i'm good at, its remembering random shit. in this case, it just so happens to be the way out!

i'm not perfect, there are a few parts that i keep forgetting where to go (and considering as i havent played this game for a couple months, i'm probably worse now.) but most of the time i still get through very quickly!

a singular point is being taken off due to me not having enough stamina to keep running. i already black out constantly in real life, i dont need that in a video game too! /lh

level 5: cave system [6/10]

i have mixed feelings about this level

on the one hand, the concept of the skin stealer thing is really cool! granted its kinda dumb in single player, but in multiplayer it makes it so much harder (in a good way). plus, i really like the map layout! even though i keep getting lost.

on the other, its just like the lobby in the sense that there's nowhere to hide from it. and since its the same size as a player, it can just follow you everywhere. also the bland white player model for the skin thing is pretty boring.

level 6: !!!!!!!!! [9/10]

another one i really like! one point off for not having enough stamina (like the sewers).

oh no! theres a large creature running after us! and the lights are all red! and theres loud emergency sirens going off!! clearly this level is extremely difficult, right? wrong.

it takes several seconds for the thing to actually start coming after us, plus its really slow. the red lights and sirens only serve to make you think its really dangerous.

most of the people who die on this level either dont know the layout and get stuck on the obstacles, are lagging and get stuck on the obstacles, or aren't good with the movement controls (mainly mobile or console players) and get stuck on the obstacles. once you beat the level once or twice, you figure out how it works and don't get stuck as often.

"but it sounds like its right behind us!" the entire map is us turning corners in a long hallway. if its in the hallway beside us (that we've already ran though), its going to sound much closer than it actually is, because its right beside us. not behind us.

this isnt actually me complaining about this levels difficulty. the fact that the entire level is designed to make you panic about a threat thats much more mild than you would expect? i actually love that! its purposely trying to stress you out and it works! (until you know about it that is)

maze + psycologically affecting the player + not needing to hide or gather items = 10/10 level in my book!!

but like in the sewers, i keep running out of stamina and blacking out. so minus 1 point for that.

level 7: the end? [9/10]

its a puzzle map!!!! and i've gotten really good at figuring it out!!

the only complaint i have is that the part with the book is soo time consuming. i have to look at the book, memorize a code, run over to the door, try the code, and pray that it works. otherwise its back to the book again.

thankfully, i have 2 monitors. so i can take a screenshot of the book, run to the door, and try all the codes i need without having to run back to the book.

still annoying though, so a point removed.

level 8: lights out [2/10]

there's only one level i hate more than this one.

its pitch dark, your flashlight does jack shit unless you're near a wall, and the stupid potato sack just loves camping the ONLY PLACE you can go to access the second half of the map. you know. the second half of the map where the exit is located???

like with the sewers, i have (mostly) memorized the way through the level. but unless there's someone distracting the sack thing, which typically there isn't, its going to take a long time to beat. if we even get that far.

also, there's occasionally a vine boom sound effect in the level. i have no idea why, but its a thing. plus one point for that.

level 9: sublimity [3/10] / [5/10]

this is my 3rd least favorite level, but hopefully the reason why has been fixed.

there was a glitch where, when you spawned, there is a large chance that you will end up stuck in the pool. completely unable to move. you just drown. and to make matters worse, if you respawned your screen just went completely black! you could still access the escape menu thankfully, but you couldnt even see the chat. your only hope was that someone didnt get stuck, and beat the level. because that takes you out of the "you died" screen without fucking up your game.

not including the glitch however, its like the windows. nothing really to do.

there's like 5 slides for the exit. i'm not sure if the different slides do different things, but i always just do through the purple one and it works.

3/10 because of the glitch, 5/10 if its been patched.

level 10: the abyss [7/10]

this level glitched out every single time i played it, but it was actually really funny.

the entities just. broke! they would occasionally move around a little but, but they never left the area that they spawned in. neither of them. you could even run up to them and they wouldn't even try and attack you! obviously if you run right up on them, you die, but that's different.

there supposed to roam around the map, and try to kill you once you once they spot you. so, you're supposed to hide in the lockers. but that glitch just makes it so much easier!

its annoying to try and find the keys in such a large map though, hence the lower score.

i've never actually played this level where the smilers actually work, so i don't know how the level is supposed to function. but with my glitched experiences, i like it!

level 11: the warehouse [8/10]

this one is parkour.

that's it, that's the level.

its difficult at first, but if you do it enough times you get used to the jumping physics of the game.

once you manage to get past the initial parkour and end up in the pretty easy maze, its smooth sailing from there! (unless you fall on the easiest jump like i did like twice)

its pretty easy to fuck up a jump and land in one of the lower shelves that you can't get off of without dying. but i'm not removing a point for that.

simply because its really funny to be speedrunning though the parkour and see someone in chat say "hey *user* look at me" and you look down and see them on the very bottom shelf just standing there staring at you.

level 12: creative minds [8/10]

i know where the paintings are, and where to put them, this is by far the easiest level to do in single player.

but i'm not going to talk about how the level works, i'm talking about the memorable encounter i had there.

my old avatar was mostly black (with some purple accents and white eyes). most of the entities in this game are pitch black. someone saw me turning a corner in this level and freaked out, thinking i was an entity at first. but what they said what that i was "too black". the other person on the server immediately called them out for being racist because they didn't have the context of black meaning #000000 and not the skin color. i got apologized to for an accidentally racist sounding comment about my roblox avatar on that level. i just think that was funny. especially when you add the context of me being very white irl.

level 13: the funrooms [0/10]

the entity teleports behind you. and if you dont turn around and look at it fast enough, it kills you.

there are 3 things that i am viscerally afraid of, and the third of those is being attacked from behind.

plus the creepily happy atmosphere just makes it worse.

i hope that the person who came up with this level gets a hole in their sock.

level 14: electrical station [6/10]

i haven't played this one very much, but its like the polar opposite of the funrooms. and simply because of that, it gets a 6/10.

level 15: the ocean of the final frontier [???/10]

what even is this level?

why are we on a boat?

how do we get off the boat??

question marks out of ten.

level 16: crumbling memory [3/10]

its like the lobby but worse. you can't see anything because of the black goo.

not much else to say

i didn't mean for this to be so long jesus christ 😭😭😭 very sorry about that

but anyways when the game updates and more levels get added, i'll reblog this with my opinions of those levels too!

so we'll see what happens then!