#but it felt like they didn't really touch it until 2013.

[wp100]

one thing i regret is quitting club penguin when i did, like back in 2012, probably before the operation:blackout event. I never got to experience it :(

I doubt any private servers would recreate it either, a lot of them like to do custom stuff which I don't really like, I'd rather just play it how it was before they added all the disney shit to it (and drastically changed the artstyle and humanised the penguins)

[alexanderwales]

Movie Review: Upstream Color (2013)

I watched Primer when it came out on DVD. It's one of the few movies that, when I finished, I immediately watched a second time. I loved it. It was dense and opaque, and benefited greatly from a second watch, which made the whole thing slot together like a nice little puzzle. It was filmed on a razor-thin budget, with one of the main characters being a writer, director, producer, and editor. I immediately put Shane Carruth on my (then short) list of directors to watch.

So I've been meaning to watch Upstream Color, his second movie, for a full decade now. The reviews for it were never very good, and every Primer fan I knew of said that it was no Primer, and I guess I had other stuff going on for literally a dozen years. I keep a "to watch" movie list, which is usually 20-30 movies deep, and other stuff kept taking priority for one reason or another. I wanted to be in the right mood for it, that was definitely part of it. So I watch a movie every two or three days, something like 100 movies a year, and that means that since Upstream Color came out, I have watched more than a thousand movies instead of watching it.

Spoilers Follow

Let's start with the obvious: Upstream Color is no Primer.

I think that I could fit the story of Upstream Color into a single paragraph. It's not complicated. When we start any movie that my wife doesn't think she'll like, she goes to look up the synopsis and reviews and trivia and stuff, and she quoted me a review that said it was an "opaque mess", and ... I don't agree with that, but I can see where they're coming from.

Here's my plot synopsis:

A man (credited as "Thief") discovers some worms that can be used to induce a hypnotic state. He uses them to hypnotize a woman, Kris, and makes her give him her entire net worth while under hypnosis. When that's done, he leaves, and she writhes around under worm control until being summoned by some music by a different, unconnected man (credited as "Sampler"). The Sampler takes the worm out of her body, implants it into a pig, then releases her. She wakes up with no memory and her life is shattered. Later, she meets Jeff, who had the same thing happen to him, they fall in love, they have a psychic connection to these pigs, they gradually get more in touch with what happened to them, then they go kill the Sampler and rescue the psychic pigs.

I don't think that there's anything in there that anyone could be confused about. The movie spells everything out. There are one or two plot beats aside from that, but this is about it.

It's how the movie does this which is unusual. It's taking show, don't tell to its limits, almost never with dialogue that clarifies anything, and its scenes muddle into each other, with none of them feeling like they last more than a few seconds. There is essentially no grounding, even when it felt to me like there should be, and the movie doesn't ever really stop being a visual tone poem. I found this grating in the first five minutes, then got used to it, and eventually started to find it grating again. I guess my best point of comparison is Terrence Malick's Tree of Life, which I thought was more effective but also did grate on me a little bit.

When a moviemaker does something like this, particularly an auteur (or would-be arteur) like Shane Carruth, I always start by assuming that this is part of the point, that we're being fed the plot one way instead of another because it ties into whatever is going on thematically. And here ...

Where I thought it was most effective was the sequence when the baby pigs were being drowned, since we're almost required to have that whole thing be done with Kuleshov effect, cutting back and forth between the pigs and Kris and the pigs and Jeff. It's a nicely evocative little bit of cinema, even if I didn't think that it emotionally landed for me. Where it's less effective is when we really would have been better served by just having some straightforward exposition, or more standard filmmaking, but I guess if you're committing to the bit, you're really committing.

So what's the story about? What's the analogy, what's the theme?

Kris and Jeff are drawn together because of the psychic connection from the worms/pigs, but also (in my opinion) because they've both been victims of this horrible thing that's happened to them, their entire life having been torn down by some thief, then made to believe that they were somehow responsible. So they've got the psychic thing going on, yes, but they also have parallel traumas, and the same sort of gap in their lives. I think this what I'll call Thesis One, the shared bond of trauma.

Another major thing that struck me when watching the movie was that both our protagonists seem insane from the outside. They have this weird connection to each other that no one could understand (though they don't seem to have friends or family or anyone to talk to who could find it weird). They mix up their memories, and sometimes fight about that. They have bouts of irrationality, paranoia, anger, grief, with no explicable-to-them source. They feel like there's somewhere they're meant to be, but they try to follow that sense, and it leads them nowhere. To me, this immediately said "mental illness", so I'm going to call this Thesis Two, the terror of knowing that something isn't right with you, but having no idea what it is, having this internal feeling inside of you, patterns of behavior that make sense at the time. This movie is basically not shot like a horror movie in any way, and does not use the language of horror films, but I think it does share a lot thematically with the subgenre "mental illness horror" where the protagonist thinks they're crazy. That our two protagonists seem intensely codependent helps push that line.

Lastly, at least some of the movie is about personal identity and meaning, though I'm not sure that I would called that Thesis Three, mostly because I don't know what it's trying to say about personal identity. Clearly both Kris and Jeff are attempting to construct meaning in the wake of what's happened to them, and their identities bleed together with their overlapping memories, but this is just not fulfilled very much, and some of it is wrapped tightly in what I'd call the mental illness stuff.

Even if I'm reasonably confident in what literally happened in the film, and what it's about, there are a few things that don't really click for me.

In a normal film, I would expect that the sequence goes:

woman gets hypnotized and wormed

life is ruined

lots of strange thoughts and adventures with another man who is equally crazy

revelation that she's not crazy after all

revenge and catharsis

But in Upstream Color, the Thief and Sampler are implied to be operating entirely separate from each other. There's a little gap which can't entirely be closed through inference, but it's implied the Sampler incidentally pollutes the water with dead worm-pigs, the organism infects plants, those plants get (totally be coincidence?) taken up by exotic plant foragers, then bought by the Thief. So the Thief and Sampler apparently don't have any relationship with one another.

And yet, it's the Sampler, who removes the worms from people and puts them into pigs, that gets killed in the end. Yes, he was the one to kill the Kris-pig's piglets, but ... I don't really understand this narrative beat. Do they assume that he was the Thief? The Thief gets away with it, and all we see of him in the end is that he's sadly shaking his head because the magic worms are all gone.

I mean, yes, the Sampler is a creep who uses his psychic connection to peep on stranger's lives, and yes, most of these people (seem to be) victims of the Thief, and it's fucked up to not give them information or closure. But if the Sampler and Thief are unrelated, which seems likely to me, then it feels like the Sampler is taking bullets better meant for the Thief? Or is it just because he killed some piglets?

And what does that mean?

I am, moreover, confused about what the function of the Sampler is when compared to what the themes are. Does he tie in with the mental illness angle? No, not really. Does he tie in with shared bond of trauma? Only in that he's preventing people from getting closure, I guess. He's a voyeur, a failed artist, some of this ties to personal identity, but again, it doesn't feel like a strong thesis, it just feels kind of random, especially since we have virtually nothing to go on as far as the Sampler's motives or history. He seemed to me like he was mostly just an artist, with the sounds of nature as his primary art and the experiences of other people as his secondary "art".

I'm going to give my hot take on this movie now, which is that I would have liked it a lot better if it were more traditionally structured. The opening five or so minutes really made me think that I would have been better off leaving it on the to-watch list. The "piecing together the location of the Sampler and getting revenge" stuff was super rushed and kind of nonsensical, and offered no catharsis, only confusion.

Overall, I would say I didn't like the movie. I think it was trying too hard to be deep (for me this is a very high bar to clear), and didn't benefit from the experimental aspects, and would have been better if it at least had a stronger idea of what it was trying to say.

I will now go read some reviews, and maybe that will help something click for me. Hopefully I haven't missed anything major.

[natriae]

chapter 2

masterlist

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August 13, 2013 10:02pm

Before you knew it your front was pressed against the familiar beige walls of Wakatoshi's room. You could feel his strong chest pressing against your back and his hands roaming around your sides. Thick fingers pressing into the side of your stomach not letting you get out of his hold. His head was in the crook of your neck and his gentle kisses completely took your thoughts away from the hard feeling you felt on your butt.

Just moments ago you were celebrating Wakatoshi's 19th birthday with his mom, but now his mom was at the neighbors probably drinking to celebrate the fact that she was free to no longer mother Wakatoshi. It's not like she did anyway. But now her son was was turning his girlfriend of two year into nothing but a cock slut.

His kisses dropped lower and lower until he began unzipping your dress. He kissed every ounce of skin that was in his line of sight. Before you knew it Wakatoshi was on his knees taking off your dress fully. He bit your butt and then kisses it right after. Just like he did your whole relationship. Always making you feel like the second choice but then making you feel like a delicate flower whenever he had free time. His hands trailed back up your body as he rose back on his feet. His large hands turned you around and then pressed you back into the wall.

"take off you clothes too it's not fair," You said to him when he brought his face so close to yours your noses were touching. He picked you up and brought you over to his bed. He lifted his shirt over his head and as far as you could tell his face started to heat up. Unable to believe you guys have come this far your face began heating up as the strong man came back down to kiss you. His kisses felt like kissing a cloud. Everything about him was strong, rough, and calculated, yet his lips were only calculated. They would kiss you with the right amout of pressure and he'd never feed into the urge to kiss you senseless.

He separated from you a gazed into your eyes. Do you want to continue? Nodding your head he dropping his head back down and left you one last kiss. He started kissing down your body again hands going under you to unclip your bra. Once it was off he kissed both of your breasts.He put one in his mouth and looked up at you while sucking on your breast. I'm I doing this right? Leaning back you put one of your hands into his hair and began to massage his scalp. He continued sucking and now pinching your nipples. Feeding into his needs he kissed down your body once more. His thick fingers began working your panties down your body. Once they were off he threw them across the room. He must have been really needy. He never feed into the self pressure, but throwing your panties across the room showed that it was eating away at him. When it came to you he would feed into all his needs just to please you.

Gently he lifted your leg and started kissing at your foot then your calf then your knee, and your thigh. Sucking a little harder ag the thigh to leave a hickey. He then repeated those steps down your other leg till he got to you glistening pussy. He loved you. He loved your mind, your body, and your soul. He wanted to be connected with every part of you. He started to gently kitten lick at your pussy trying to copy what he had seen in porn. It felt great but you could tell he was hesitant with his moves. He lifted his head up and his eyes showed and emotion that he would only share with you. Ushijima Wakatoshi didn't know what he was doing and he was looking for someone else to help. For once in his life he wasnt confident in what he was doing. "How can i properly please you," he asked quietly. Worried that someone else would hear the big man failing at something. I want everything to be perfect because you deserve it.

Sitting up on the comfy bed your brought his much bigger hands to your clit. "Feel this," He nodding his head once. Your face heated up again at your next statement. "This is my clit," taking a deep breath before continuing, "it feels really good when you rub it liked this," you took his index finger and began rubbing small circles on the little bean. It was cute to see his face focusing so hard to please you. Once he got the hang of it you took your hand off his and began whimpering quietly. He seemed shocked by this and his hand slightly stuttered and he looked up at your face like a cute puppy. Am i doing good? Nodding your head you smiled lightly at the now man. He brought his right hand to your little hole and began to slowly put his middle finger into it. Every few seconds he would look up at you to make sure you were enjoying it. God he was to good at this. He asked if he could add another finger and then did so when you said yes. Your breathing started to pick up and your whimpers turned into slight moans.

But the it all stopped. Lifting your self up for the second time that night you looked between you legs to see Wakatoshi staring at his fingers. You leaned over to his night stand and turned on the lamp to see properly. He was still looking at his fingers and you could properly see the few streaks of blood over his index and middle finger. His eyebrows were scrunched together in worry.

"it's normal. I'm okay I promise," you said as you grabbed his face so he looked at you in the eyes. "I've never had sex before," you whispered to him.

"i haven't either," He responded to you. You grabbed his shirt that he had threw off and used to it wipe his fingers. He still looked cautious not sure if he should continue.

"come here," you grabbed his biceps to lead him where you wanted him to go. He came up and sat on his bed. His back was leaning on his headboard as he sat up. You tugged on his pants begging him to take them off. Ushijima wasn't one to tease but you could see that he enjoyed slowly taking off his athletic shorts and then taking off his boxers. He knows you wanted him to take the both off at once. Taking a deep breath you eyes zoned in on his cock. It was huge, and your not sure it would fit, but not wanting to give Wakatoshi the wrong impress you climbed onto his lap and brought your forehead to his. Looking into his eyes you slowly sunk down trying to fit it inside you. Tears started to build up in your eyes at the stretch.

It hurt how could anyone actually enjoy this. Taking a deep breath you tried to calm your heart rate to prevent you from crying more, but it burned a lot the more you tired to fit it in. A large, rough hand grabbed the side of your face and pulled you head up to look at your boyfriend in the eyes.

"relax and take it slow," please don't force yourself because it hurts me to see you in pain. He held your face so you could do nothing but look into his eyes. His eyes looked like boba pearls and if you looked hard enough there were little stars in his eyes. His eyes held so much, but he said so little. Wakatoshi wasn't that good with people so he'd often watch those from a far, and then try and get close to them once he felt confident enough in knowing their personality. He did that with you, and once he started getting closer to you he noticed that he could calm you down with just a look. You would get so lost in his eyes he'd stop talking because he knew you weren't listening.

Looking into Toshi's eyes made the whole world stop. You stop feeling the pain inbetween your legs and it started to feel better. It felt so god damn good you never wanted to take his cock out. Once your hips finally met his he wrapped his arms around your body and flipped you guys over so he was on top. He didn't start moving till he saw your tears stop. Slowly he moved his hips out and then brought them back in. Soon enough Wakatoshi was quietly groaning and eventually started to take deep breaths out of his mouth. You couldn't help but moan everytime your 'toshi slammed his dick back into you. Your legs began to shake around his back, and you knew you were done for the minute you looked at his abs tighten everytime he thrusted. How did you get so lucky. You can feel every vain and the difference in size where the mushroom tip met the long length of his cock. Tighting up around him you suddenly felt like you were gonna pee, but it was more then that. You were horny and you didn't care entirely all that mattered was that it felt good, and you didn't want him to stop. "ple-please waka don't- baby don't stop please," you whined moaning and taking deep breaths in between in your sentence.

"baby," he said quietly. So quietly you probably wouldn't have heard it if his head wasn't right next to your ear. "i'm gonna come. you're so tight," Not wanting him to leave you tightened your legs around his back and squeezed your pussy a little bit more. You were so close and you wouldn't let him get away now. He lifted himself up and placed both of his hands on either side of your head. His head was facing the upper wall behind you and his eyes were closed. He looked so good right now. Sweat was dripping down his body and the further you went down the hotter the sight.

A six pack and a perfect V-line. Dark olive colored hair started at his belly button and lead to an even bigger patch of hair that surround his fucking gift of a cock. God definitely has favorite, and Ushijima Wakatoshi is one of them. Harder grunts took you out of your thoughts and you look up to see 'toshi absolutely losing his composure. That was the last straw you felt everything burst and Wakatoshi felt a warm liquid hit his lower stomach. You've never moaned this loud when you masterbated alone, but something about him brought out a side of you, you didn't know existed. As you squirted Wakatoshi's dam broke too and he halted his thrust to try and force his dick into you as deep as you could. Cumming inside a pussy was much better then just cumming on his hand. Still trying to ride out your high you hold on Wakatoshi's shoulders tightened and your nails clawed at the perfect skin. You swear all you senses were heightened and you could feel his cum flow deeper and deeper into you.

Eventually Wakatoshi collapsed on you and he slowly took his cock out as much as you didn't want him too. He moved over next to you on his bed and ceresed your face. His breathing was heavy and he's never looked more out of breath. Turning over you leaned your head on his pec and brought you arm to rest on his chest. His arm on the side you were leaning on wrapped around you body and he held you as you fell asleep.

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November 14th, 2013 6:30 am

You woke up after feeling something missing in the bed you were sleeping in. It smelled like Wakatoshi but you couldn't feel him. Groaning you wiggled around in the bed searching for the large body. The harsh sunlight was peaking through the blinds and you were left with no choics but to open your eyes to search for the ace.

"jima," you said yawning not soon after. "' jima where are you," finally getting up and sitting upright on the bed you hear the sink in his bathroom turn off. He was already dressed and ready for his run. The purple track suit hugged his body and he walked around the room looking for his fitbit. He threw your panties off his desk and directly at you. Did he even notice you were there? "'jima where are you going?"

He huffed and then he said, " to practice." short and to the point. Not surpising. " you should clean up and go home. Can you put my sheets in the washer too before you leave," He took a few big steps and was out the door before you knew it. No kiss goodbye. No please after he asked for a favor. He didn't even ask if you were okay. That's when his statement came back to you when you guys were talking about college outside last night.

"'jima don't you think that's a little far," you had asked.

"it"s for volleyball. They are a good school and they want me,"

"i know but you promised we'd go to college together,"

"yes, but Volleyball comes first then you."

Volleyball comes first then you. You spent all of highschool trying to get him to focus on you, but now that you think about it you were never his first choice. You can barely walk right now and he just left. Limping to the bathroom all you can feel is the pain in between your legs and you the dried cum that was actually extremely uncomfortable. How could he be so loving last night and then just leave.

That was the last time Ushijima saw you. You left him a note and nothing more. The next day you packed up your stuff and moved to Tokyo. You stayed in a Hotel for a while until you could find a proper place to live and a job. It wasn't long until the morning sickness hit and the emotional pain and stress over Ushijima. From what you know he hadn't even reached out to your parents. He didn't care.

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tags: @mineta-phobic @rukia-uchiha-98

<prev | next>

thoughts? this probably one of the longest fic i've every written and my first smut. I hope i did a good job :))

[louizandmusic]

A band, a family : the example of Girls in Hawaii

Hello everyone,

Today, I wanted to focus on a specific topic that I believe we don't talk enough. The loss of band members and the impact on the whole band.

I'll give you the example of Girls in Hawaii, an Indie-pop Belgian band whose story is quite sad. The band was founded in 2000 by a group of 6 young men, originated in a small village in the South of Belgium.

They were doing quite well from 2000 to 2010, until a tragic accident happened. In 2010, their drummer Denis died in a car accident in Brussels. This was an absolute shock for all the members of the band as the relationship they had with him was as close as family. (He actually was the brother of the main singer.) The grief was extremely difficult to overcome and fans thought it was the end of their favourite band.

After 2 years of silence, the remaining members let their audience know they were working on a new musical project and in 2013, their new single 'Misses' aired out.

'Misses' pays tribute to their deceased friend and brother Denis. I believe you should listen to the song as it is pure with melancholy and nostalgia. It's really beautiful and even more touching. The first time I listened to it, I didn't know the story behind it and didn't pay attention to the lyrics. But as I was listening, these feelings came naturally to me and I felt like it was more than just a sad melody. Indeed after looking a bit further, the band's story saddened me a lot and made me appreciate their tribute song even more. It talks about their real and personal feelings and their authentic experience of loss and grief.

The album was called Everest as it was the representation of how high they needed to climb to deal with their emotions and start writing a new chapter of their life.

I find this particularly touching because they acknowledged the loss of their dear friend and decided to pay tribute to him in their own way, using music.

Their new style was born, more melancholy in their songs actually led them to more success, as if their fans were relating to them.

It made me think of Linkin Park whose singer lost his life to suicide. This signed the end of their band, but today, many years later, the band gained a new singer and started writing new music.

Revival after loss is magic I believe, as it brings more passion and depth into the art of music.

[rezdragon]

On that note, I'm gonna talk about something weird.

Up until recently, I didn't think I loved music as much as my peers did because I didn't own copious amounts of music. I think in total, as far as song I actively listen to, I would say my library of music has about 600 or so songs in it as of right now. That sometimes changes, but it averages around there.

It wasn't until I heard someone much younger than me say that they used to argue with their friends over who had the most music. They told me they had 5,000 songs on their Spotify playlist and it was then that I felt very disconnected to the idea of having "the most music."

Music, to me, is a connection. For example, my bf started getting into Nine Inch Nails in 2017, and I didn't follow suit until 2018 because I didn't connect with the music until then. One day, I was feeling really down, and I wanted to listen to Everyday is Exactly the Same, and then I had the connection and I fell down a massive rabbit hole of getting into NIN. Recently, the band I've been getting into has been Tears for Fears because I had a very emotional moment while listening to Shout on a drive home from... uh, let's just say "the hospital."

Music traps memories and emotions inside of it. fun. still takes me back to my tumblr popularity days in 2013. Fitz and the Tantrums takes me back to being frustrated in the Dairy section while working at Walmart. Bleachers (Gone Now Bleachers) takes me back to the concert I went to in 2017. Wolfgun lifts me up to space, Eminem lets me be angry, and Nine Inch Nails lets me be depressed. Twenty One Pilots (nothing past Blurryface I'm afraid) is that small scared child in me that needs comfort sometimes.

Music is so fucking important to me, and that's why just trying to catch as much as I can doesn't sit well with me. I want to work up to those giant numbers organically, because music makes me feel, and I want to feel each and every song, artist, album at my own pace. It's kinda why I've never personally touched Spotify because yeah, it could show me new music every day, but I won't get to spend time with that music before it shoves something new in my face. It's kinda like forcing me to eat another meal when I'm not ready to, y'know?

idk, maybe I'm just weird and emotional. Music is important to me for emotional reasons. I've had a lot of times in my life where I had nothing to hold onto but a silly pop song, but god damn did that silly pop song help me pull through.

[midnightraine131]

Hi! For Aruani ask game :3

2, 5, 6, 11, 13, 14, 16

Thank you for the ask!!

Sorry for not getting this done sooner. My work schedule is really taking a toll on me but here it goes...

2. Share your favorite part of your first ever fic.

Whew! I just started writing fics again after 5 years, and Hiding in Plain Sight is my first ever Aruani fic. Such a shame for someone who has been shipping them since 2013.

With the house quiet once again, Annie dragged her feet around, turning off the lights in the living room and closing the windows in the kitchen. She remembered she had left her slippers in her bedroom that morning, so she took off her shoes. Her bare feet touched the cold tiled floor, while her heart carried a heavy load of guilt. It was a guilt that would haunt her until her last breath. If only she could escape from her past mistakes, she would have done so by now. How should she tell him? Would he avoid her? Would he curse at her? Would he leave her behind? As she ran these thoughts through her head, fear tightened its grip on her. She wasn't built for confession, and she wasn't strong enough to lose something she wasn't ready to lose. Or was "lose" even the right word? She didn't know. He wasn't even hers to begin with.

5. Write about Armin and Annie's first meeting! Could be in canon settings or other au.

I'm a sucker for AUs so I will give an Actor AU a shot.

Armin felt more and more anxious as he repeatedly went over the script. Today was the first day they would shoot the scene at Stohess district, and the director had told them on the first day that the confrontation was one of the most iconic scenes in the manga, so most Attack on Titan fans were looking forward to the episode. (Armin knew this because he had googled fan sites.) Although he had worked with almost half of the cast, he had never worked with Annie Leonhart. He had heard from his co-actor Eren that Annie was quite intimidating to work with. Fifteen minutes had passed after the call time, but Annie's team had not yet turned up on set. The production assistant asked the trio to return to their tents to retouch their makeup. Armin glanced at the empty chair beside him. He sighed and was about to go through his script one last time when Annie and her makeup artist tripped over something behind Armin's chair. Shocked, Armin hurriedly stood up to help them. As he bent down to hold Annie's arm to pull her up, Armin's mind failed to register what had just happened. He was sure it was adrenaline that was to blame. When he looked up, their noses were almost touching. He had never felt his face heat up so quickly. As soon as he was sure that she could stand up on her own, he let go of her arm. He could distinguish a tinge of pink on her cheek when she turned her back away from him. When the day was over and the crew started to wrap up, Annie purposefully walked past Armin's family van and handed him a bag of donuts and a large cup of boba tea. She muttered, "This is my apology for being late on set today." Armin thanked her and smiled. Annie fidgeted before she added, "Everyone got one, so don't think about it too much." She then dashed away from him. When he looked around, everyone had donuts, but not boba milk tea. She had given him an extra treat. Since then, he always approached her whenever they got to work together. He was glad that she had come back to set for season 4.

6. Tell us about your longest fic

Actually, I initially planned to do some practice writing because I felt like I was getting rusty after years of not writing anything at all. But for some reason, I fell in love with imagining Armin as a prosecutor, and so my practice writing has turned into a 9-chapter story that is still ongoing.

11. What annoys you the most about your own writing habits?

My mood honestly depends on the weather. Like, I can only write properly when it's raining or when I have to go to work very early in the morning. Another habit I want to get rid of is my drinking problem. If I don't drink, I can't come up with anything. I know it's bad for my health. I've been trying to keep my body healthy these past few weeks, and I'm hanging in there. I'm also having a hard time writing when I'm outside and all the ideas are pouring in on me.

13. Do you use symbolism when writing fics? Tell us about it.

I've been experimenting with my writing style lately. I just started to use symbolism in the title, and it's a bit of a giveaway. I'm not a deep person, but my characters are. LOL.

14. Tell us about a detail you wrote that nobody has commented on yet.

Now that I've gone through all the chapters again, I was quite surprised that nobody has commented on how bad my first chapter is. I was honestly considering rewriting or deleting the whole chapter.

16. Share a wip you're excited about.

This is a chapter from Hiding in Plain Sight that I wrote a month ago. It contains a glimpse of what they've become after four years, months after their relationship ended.

He held her hand, glancing at the diamond on her finger. "So you are engaged now." He examined every angle of the stone, gleaming rainbow lights reflecting in his eyes. "With Hoover?" "Armin." He swallowed, his voice breaking, "What does he have that I don't?" Annie noticed his eyes were dark and puffy from up close, as if the storm in his eyes had calmed down and left a wasteland. "Armin, you're too drunk." He gently placed her hand on his face as he closed his eyes. His hands, his face, he's as cold as if she had touched a glass frozen in winter. "I dreamed of you being beside me." "I was, Armin. We were happy. But you ended us." Annie felt warm liquid threatening to leak from the corners of her eyes. "Annie, it took me four damn years to make up my mind. It only took four damn minutes to shatter it all to pieces. And it only took you four damn months to wear someone's ring." This was the first time she had heard him curse, and it broke her. "Armin, please. I told you I wasn't ready when you..." Annie couldn't finish what she wanted to say as tears rolled down her face. "...when I was on my knees and asked you?" He continued, opening his eyes to see her face dampened with tears

[gellavonhamster]

monthly media recap: june 2023

read:

Blood of Tyrants, League of Dragons, and Golden Age and Other Stories by Naomi Novik - books 8-9 in the amazing Temeraire series (the beginning of which I wrote about last month) and a collection of short stories and drabbles (yep, using precisely this terminology) set in the same universe and based on fanart, including even a Pride and Prejudice retelling in which Elizabeth Bennet is a dragon captain. You can really tell the author is one of us <3

The Romance of Tristan and Iseult by Joseph Bédier - love finishing a book and then finding out that was an abridged edition :))) well, whatever, I didn't like this one enough to look for a full one. But the illustrations in this one were lovely

La Tavola Ritonda - now this kind of Tristania (i.e. where everyone is a bit of a dick) is more to my liking. A very chaotic but entertaining text saturated with pranks and violence. Touches upon some other Arthurian plots too, such as the quest for the Holy Grail. I wrote about it here - 1, 2, 3, 4

The Return of the Native by Thomas Hardy - a beautiful rural tragedy that kept me very invested in the lives of these people. Greatly enjoyed the writing style and the old traditions seeping into the 19th century life. Eustacia Vye you will always be famous

De ortu Waluuanii - a Medieval Latin romance about Gawain's childhood, very unlike most of the Arthurian texts I've read. Also contains a most insane recipe for making Greek fire? And Guinevere is a prophetess? Fascinating

+ currently reading the second book in the Angélique series - accidentally started it last year by finding the first book at a bookcrossing stand, and now I gotta finish or at least read until it becomes too cringe if it ever does. This will be my Bridgerton, idc

watched:

Sirens (1994) - shy wife of a progressive priest goes with her husband to visit the scandalous painter Norman Lindsay, befriends his models, experiences kind of a bisexual awakening. A simultaneously horny and strangely sweet movie with weird Australian fauna as a bonus

Jawbreaker (1999) - dark teen comedy in the same vein as Heathers. Lots of fun, cool soundtrack, enjoyed it

A Field in England (2013) - very strange. Kind of feels dragged out as you watch it, but then makes you think and think about it when you're done. Not quite my cup of tea, but definitely good

The Return of the Native (1994) - not as good as the novel but still pretty good, and young Catherine Zeta Jones is perfect as Eustacia

The Three Musketeers (2011) - this place has everything: clockpunk, airships, d'Artagnan's cringe horse, flamboyant villain Buckingham, Mads Mikkelsen with an eyepatch, PLANCHET. Wish the dialogue and Constance were more interesting; still, very silly and entertaining

The Phantom of the Opera (1989) - the slasher horror one with reincarnation, wow. Valid in my eyes if only for doing what Coppola's Dracula should've done (i.e., making the reincarnated lover trope creepy). Also, final girl Christine Daaé just feels right

The Phantom of the Opera (Rosen & Schierhorn) - turns out there's more than one POTO musical, and at least one of them is a comedy. It felt like too much comedy to me at times, but overall it's pretty enjoyable plot- and dialogue-wise. Totally forgettable music, though. I watched it because the Persian is there and having the Persian as your favourite POTO character is even worse than having Quincey Morris as your favourite Dracula character, dude is literally nowhere ever.

[sometipsygnostalgic]

For me the part about friendships and relationships is particularly interesting.

When I was about 13, I saw two teenagers flirting with each other in school.

This confused me so much. I went up to them. I said, "what is the point? There's no way you're staying together, you're going to break up eventually."

And they replied... "So what?"

That... blew me back. I had never considered before the value of temporary relationships.

I never dated in high school, before or after that point. My parents broke up when I was very small, and for decades I'd been living through the aftermath of their relationship and the hatred they had for each other... I had a very jaded view on things. But I did have a friend, the same friend I'd known since I was 3 years old and who I still know today, so I strongly believed you should only connect with people when you can form strong bonds like that.

And that wasn't particularly healthy. Autistic, outcasted, I had a hard time making friends and stuck to her like glue, and it was too much for her.

When I started making friends at school for the first time a couple of years later, I was so happy... Sure they weren't on that level but I felt relieved that it was even possible for me.

And yeah, some of those people I haven't spoken to for 10 years, but it's fine.

In the past decade, since I've had the liberty of connecting with online communities like Tumblr, I've had SO many friendships. I've been in lots of fandom communities that lived and died.

I used to feel really sad when people left and get strongly attached to fandom friends. Hell, I took it SO PERSONALLY when people argued and left a group chat that if they did so repeatedly, I'd ban them forever, not because it was a problem for the group but because I felt rejected and wanted it to stop.

But so much time later... Sure, I'm not the cartoon analyst Adventuretitan in the AT community anymore, I'm not the Homestuck fancomic writer Sometipsygnostalgic with my amazing group of friends from that era anymore, but... the people who leave fandom spaces, some of them I'm still vast friends with, some of them I was super close to and haven't heard from in years, and for some of them, we didn't truly click until we met again in a different time and place.

And yeah, we can get sunk cost attachments to our spaces, to our pastimes and goals... but if I didn't keep moving around, I'd probably still only have the same childhood friend. I wouldn't have met the amazing Homestuck fans, the new generation of Distant Lands fans, and of course She-ra fandom where I met my girlfriend! And insanely, the person who introduced me to her is a person I've known on-and-off since 2013 back in that first community. We just get back in touch every so often and pull each other into our new spaces, and that's worked out really well.

So yeah, younger users, if you feel upset about a dying friend group, community, or relationship, understand it's not a failure - It's a thing that happened, and new things can happen too, and it's all those little experiences that make life fun.

I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.

[nymphrasis]

"Infamous second son"?

GOOD GOD, its been a decade since I last touched, or even heard of that game!

Got it when the PS4 released, and it was the first game ever played on it!

It was the first infamous game i played, and I fell in love with each of Delsin's powers, and abilities!

His powers were new and unique to me, and shattered my expectations, as I thought he was gonna have something generic, and mainstream, like fire bending, water powers, super strength, and power to fly, ETC...

At first, i thought the first powers he got was fire, but after reading tutarioul, HE WAS CONTROLLING LITERAL SMOKE.

I loved that... Man time flies too fast...

I dont know what this "Eilimtura" thing is you seem to be working on, but I would love to see someone do something with those kinds powers again, after all this time!

Would be very nostalgic to see.

My favorite of the 4 powers was VIDEO!

Honestly I've planned to watch the Infamous series to both learn and, well, know more of the game because my curiosity is peeled ;w;. And, because of Xavi ask, I feel more invested towards it <3.

Admittedly I even looked at concept art of the abilities through the power of Google because I was curious of how they've done it nwn.

Eilimitura is, in a sense, my own creature taming game project ;u;. It is an idea I had since around 2013-2014, but never pursue further with it until 2018 where I started collecting designs first as I write the story I had in mind ( I do need to put them in script format to make it easier. The story itself is not done-done, as there have been some revisions and edits. Admittedly the story itself is much better now than it is back then ^^. Back then story, to give a snippet for the beginning ( It is NOT like that in the current story. I completely redid the story from scratch, after feeling so uninspired and dissatisfied with the original ), originally the player is in a train ride with their parents ( Originally the main character was intended to be a minor ), where they were returning back to their hometown after years in the city. Awoken from a bizarre "dream" where a mysterious voice have spoken to them. Letting them know that their choices can effect the lives of others and potentially the course of the world. And blah blah ehhh. I really didn't like this and the rest of the story tbh ;-;". The story felt too basic, there wasn't as much of a good hook, and admittedly at the time there were a couple of plot holes ( No ome pointed this to me because I've wanted the story itself to be a surprise. So story aspects I keep to myself. But I do reread them after certain lengths have reached ).

Current story is much different and I am much more satisfied with it nwn/. I still wish to keep the story to myself for the time being, as I still love to make it a surprise to others ( Once I reach to script format, I do plan to get second opinions from those close to me. And I will be firm with them being honest with me too. I don't want people to just pay me in the back and tell me everything is perfect, hiding away opinions of need of edits ;-; ) ;7;. But yes the genre is creature taming! Adventure, action, and sneak in a bit of horror element too ( Not too much! Just a bit ;D ).

Because of Xavi advice and suggestion, I admittedly do want to play around with lesser known elements!

I Will admit that I have decided to have the implementation of extra elements be sub-types that is manmade rather it being sort of natural ^^/. But to make them more special, in a sense, said sub-elements are only seen in some Eiluminias ( Rare creature variants. Think of shinies, but if it alter appearances in some way, change their elements, have them access to that specific elemental skills, and that's it ouo. ). Having only some Eiluminia be able to hold access to these specific elements would honestly make them feel even more worth-while to obtain. Not just have them be a trophy and that's it >u<.

Infamous will be an inspiration, yes yes! Of course I will have my own touch in a way >u<. Admittedly I did added a manmade element that did pop to mind to add. Pictus, or moreso Paint. That was a mix of inspiration of Splatoon ( I don't play the game but I know of the series ) and Namine from KH ( She doesn't paint. She moreso draws. But that artistic ability is what inspired the idea nwn ). Having art as more of a skill on creatures would be fun to play around with :D.

But ah sorry >w<. I hope this is an alright answer!

ONe last thing to say: From what I saw, I took love the Video ability Infamous shared! At least from what I saw ;u;. It looks so cool and genuinely is one of my favorites!

[theeverlastingshade]

Pitchfork Music Festival 2023 Recap

I had the privilege of being able to return to Pitchfork Music Festival this year, and as expected, the 2023 iteration was another superbly run festival with many strong performances despite some unfortunate weather related setbacks.

I arrived on Friday just in time for the Grace Ives set on the red stage. Grace performed solo with just a sampler and her laptop. She spent most of her performance laying down some loops and then dancing/singing across the stage. She drew primarily from her most recent LP, Janky Star, and while these live renditions didn't quite pop the way that the recordings do, she still exuded the same low-key charm. Her set felt a little stilted and underwhelming, but it still had plenty of promise all the same. I suspect that she'll continue to hone her live show until it transcends the potency of her recordings, but she's not quite there yet.

Right after Grace wrapped up Axel Boman began his blue stage set. He spent his set mixing alongside someone alternating between saxophone and clarinet (which may explain Boman's "live" designation on the bill, but who knows). His set was an early afternoon heater that brought some welcome floor-filling energy to the proceedings that wasn't really matched again throughout the entire weekend (although Jlin came close). The music was bright, funky, playful, and imbued with a lush melodic undercurrent without ever easing up on the groove. It's very rare that I get to experience djs with such a singular touch behind the boards, but in addition to releasing great records and mixes Boman has the kind of finesse required for great live mixing, and his set was far more engaging than a footnote to releasing not just 1 but 2 of the best records of last year (Luz and Quest for Fire, respectively). As far as I'm concerned he's a must see for everyone regardless of your mileage on electronic music, or more specifically, dance music.

I unfortunately had to leave midway through Boman's set to catch Youth Lagoon on the green stage (one of the weekend's handful of unfortunate compromises). I hadn't seen YL in a decade (Laneway Festival 2013 baby), and in addition to wanting a general check-up I was curious to hear how the new material would sound. Trevor Powers (the man behind the moniker) played keys, a drum machine, and a sampler alongside someone who alternated between bass and guitar, and someone who alternated between guitar and drums. Everything sounded tight, and nothing fell short of doing justice to the respective recorded version. The set naturally leaned heavier on their recently released 4th LP, Heaven Is a Junkyard (which is a great record), and they threw in a few of their best songs including "Montana" and "Mute". "Mute" was utterly transcendent, and worth seeing their set for alone.

After YL I returned to the blue stage for Jlin. Jlin performed a dj set without any accompaniment, but it was far from conventional. It was the first time that I ever saw anyone spin footwork live (albeit a far-flung, extremely avant-garde strain of footwork), and, like her records, the music tends to move your body just as much as it blows your mind. It was tremendously visceral and disorienting in equal measure, and while not nearly as danceable as, say, Boman's set on the blue stage shortly beforehand, it was just as superbly realized in its own right. The tempos were breakneck and whiplash inducing (as the throngs of people struggling to juke can certainly attest), and it made for one of the most thrilling thrilling dj sets that I've ever seen.

Perfume Genius began his set on the green stage shortly after Jlin wrapped up, and it was easily the day's major highlight after The Smile. The band consisted of 2 guitarists, a bassist, a drummer, and a keyboardist in addition to Mike Hadreas (the man behind the moniker) prancing around the stage. The band was extremely tight but still played with a level of playful spontaneity that the PG songbook calls for, and they consistently breathed new life into Hadreas's work. They ran through many of the best PG songs including "Slip Away", "Describe", "Eye in the Wall", "Wreath", and "Queen" (which, naturally, was relegated to the electrifying closing slot) and they were each faithful renditions that also managed to carve out their own identities from the recorded versions. The PG set was a sweeping, career-defining performance on the level of Yves Tumor's standout performance from 2021. It doesn't matter what record that PG is touring behind on any given cycle, he is a must see live act full-stop.

Alvvays started their set on the red stage right on the heels of PG ending theirs, and it was another unsurprisingly strong set. This was my 3rd time seeing the 5 piece indie pop phenoms, and regardless of whether they're playing a headlining club set or a festival slot, they always deliver. They've sounded tighter, and have performed with sharper chemistry, each subsequent time that I've seen them, and if they continue along their current trajectory I expect them to headline this festival at some point during the album cycle for their next record. Given that they're still in the middle of the cycle for their 2022 opus, Blue Rev, most of their set consisted of highlights from that record including "Belinda Says", "Pharmacist", and "Pomeranian Spinster", but they also played a handful of older cuts like "In Undertow", "Not My Baby", and "Archie, Marry Me" that, while great on record, now sound even better live. Alvvays are the rare indie pop band that makes consistently good records and deliver visceral live shows imbued with their own distinct identify apart from their recorded output, and they're still one of the few artists I enjoy who I can recommend to anyone I know (both on record and stage) in good faith.

The Smile were the headlining act on Friday (kicking off their set roughly 10 minutes after Alvvays wrapped up theirs), and they played what was easily one of the strongest headlining festival sets that I've ever seen. TS are a supergroup that consists of Thom Yorke and Johnny Greenwood of Radiohead and Tom Skinner of Sons of Kemet, but unlike the vast majority of supergroups, The Smile don’t rest on the laurels of the bands that the members were in prior, nor do they regurgitate sad approximations of those past glories. The Smile are certainly more thrilling if you're familiar with the work of Radiohead and/or Sons of Kemet, but they exist in their own orbit entirely. The set they played retained the dreamy disposition of the studio recordings while heightening the searing intensity that informs it all. The trio was occasionally joined by a saxophonist, but the majority of the music was constructed by just the three of them. Yorke and Greenwood were regularly swapping between guitar, bass, and grand piano, while Skinner stuck predominantly to his kit, but would occasionally pause the percussion for some analog synth work. The bulk of their set came from their excellent 2022 debut and lone LP, A Light For Attracting Attention, but they played a handful of new songs including the recently released single "Bending Hectic", and everything that has a studio counterpart sounded just as good if not better live. TS's loose, adventurous set was a bell weather for the best of what live music can offer, and the clear highlight of the entire festival.

There was a delayed start to the sets on Saturday due to some overcast weather (Palm's set was cancelled, which was all the more unfortunate given that it was going to be one of their final shows after announcing their break up just a month prior, but it was thankfully rescheduled to Sunday morning), but luckily I was still able to catch 700 Bliss perform. The 2 piece experimental electronic hip hop act put on a solid show that, while not quite as thrilling as their great 2022 debut LP, Nothing To Declare, was still promising in its own right. DJ Haram was mixing while Moor Mother prowled around the stage, occasionally doing some mixing herself, and their set retained the dystopian urgency of their recorded output even if it couldn't help but feel a little lackluster outside of that context. Moor Mother is a magnetic, demanding presence that carried the set through sheer force of will, and I sincerely hope that they continue to record music together and hone their live show.

Shortly after 700 Bliss wrapped up MJ Lenderman and his band began their set on the red stage. Lenderman's band consisted of 2 drummers (one of whom was Spencer Tweedy) a guitarist, a bassist, and Wednesday bandmate Xandy Clemis playing pedal steel alongside the boy Lenderman on guitar and vocals. Lenderman's set was a strong realization of his country-leaning lo-fi slacker rock sound. The band played with a loose, ramshackle disposition, and Lenderman's vocals and guitar playing retained the compelling, off the cuff charm of his recorded output. Most of the music came from Lenderman's superb 2022 breakthrough LP, Boat Songs, but they snuck in a few new songs including the recently released single, "Rudolph", as well as their new (and as of then, unreleased) version of "Knockin", originally from the EP of the same name. As the rain started to drizzle towards the end of their closing song, which was the BS highlight "Tastes Just Like It Costs" it couldn't have been anymore obvious that if Lenderman continues on his current trajectory he could have a lengthy career ahead of him regardless of if and how Wednesday progress. Along with the Wednesday set that I caught a month prior at The Pyramid Scheme, the MJ Lenderman P4K set was the perfect way to commemorate the summer of Lenderman.

Sadly, there were more delays after Lenderman's set, and the Panda Bear & Sonic Boom set that was supposed to take place on the green stage right afterwards went from being delayed to outright cancelled (along with Vegabon, Snail Mail, and Julia Jacklin). While those sets were never rescheduled, the festival resumed a few hours later so I was able to at least salvage the remainder of the day with the last 3 sets that I planned to hit, beginning with King Krule on the green stage. Krule had a guitarist, bassist, keyboardist, saxophone player and drummer, in addition to Archy Marshall (the man behind the moniker) singing and playing guitar. Although his set was a little more lackluster than the urgent set of theirs that I caught 5 years ago while they were supporting their 2017 opus, The Ooz, it was still a solid set that, more often than not, did the recorded material justice. "Dum Surfer" was a little underwhelming, but "Stoned Again" absolutely fucking ripped, and "Flimsier" was rendered even more devastating than it sounds on record. They played a few of Archy's classic cuts including "Easy Easy" and "Out Getting Ribs", which served to remind just how impressive Marshall's songwriting and compositional chops have developed over the years. Although perhaps not as striking as it once was, Marshall's music is still wonderfully unlike that of anyone else recording and/or performing today.

Right after Archy wrapped up Weyes Blood began their set on the green stage. WB's band was a five piece that consisted of a bassist, drummer, and 2 keyboardists (one of whom swapped between keys and guitar), in addition to Natalie Mering (the woman behind the moniker) playing guitar and singing (and occasionally playing some piano as well). Their performance was a gorgeous execution of songs predominantly on her last 2 records, and Mering's voice was just as strong if not stronger than it sounds on the albums (her voice was also probably the most powerful instrument that I heard all weekend). It began to lightly drizzle during her set, which only heightened the gravitas of highlights like "Movies", "God Turn Me Into a Flower", and "Andromeda" (especially in light of the cancelled shows from earlier in the day, but thankfully the lightning didn’t return). And her stage banter was A1 (and only really matched by JPEGMAFIA this entire weekend); "This one's a little psychedelic so I suggest you take all your drugs now" right before kicking off "Movies", "It looks like we're competing with some dance music (Charlotte and Bolis were performing on the blue stage), so I'll play my one dance song. I expect you all to start moshing" right before leading off "Everyday". Her set exuded the ethereal beauty of her recorded output, but with the kind of visceral force necessary to really deliver to anyone not standing within like 20 feet of the stage. The WB set was the clear highlight of Saturday after Big Thief's headlining set, and it set the stage for the BT set superbly.

Big Thief arrived on the green stage shortly after WB wrapped up her set with their drummer James Krivchenia and guitarist Buck Meek carrying bassist Max Oleartchik on the stage because he was wearing mermaid tights with fins. In my experience BT always puts on a sublime show, and their headlining P4K set was no exception to this trend. BT's set wasn't quite as explosive as their P4K 2021 set, but they still played with the same sublime chemistry and overall musicianship. The majority of their songs came from their 2022 opus, Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe In You, but they sprinkled in some career highlights like "Contact" and "Not" in addition to a plethora of new material including the recently released showstopper "Vampire Empire". Their set achieved a nice balance of songs throughout their eras, and everything (especially "Vampire Empire" and "Spud Infinity") tastefully struck new and satisfying identities with respect to their studio versions. Their shows unfold with the sort of tight intuition that suggests that it's just one organism performing all of the music while still allowing for idiosyncratic instrumental flourishes that shine but never detract from the whole. While the solo Adrianne Lenker numbers were by far the weakest offerings of the set they were still compelling performances that broke up the full band fare nicely. They ended their set with an 8 minute "Spud Infinity" (which they've played at every show of theirs that I've seen) featuring Adrianne's brother on jaw harp (who also joined them at their Chicago club set last year). This year's "Spud Infinity" was their strongest performance yet, and was just one of many moments that cemented BT's status as one of the best live bands active right now.

Palm played an unusually early set on the blue stage on Sunday morning due to having to cancel the day prior. Palm consisted of a drummer, 2 guitarists (one of whom also used a sampler and played a little bit of percussion), and a keyboardist/bassist. Palm's set exuded the knotty, adventurous sonics of their records with aplomb. They play an unconventional strain of psychedelic rock that's cerebral and obtuse, while still sounding exciting and visceral. While they very much scan like a "studio band", their performance retained the electronics heavy complexity of their music without ever sounding like a plain regurgitation. This was their last Chicago show, and they went out with a hell of a send off. They were one of the more interesting bands, both live and on record, throughout the last decade or so, and they will be sorely missed.

After Palm wrapped up I raced over to the red stage to catch the last half of Richika Nayar's set. Nayar performed with a laptop, guitar, sampler, and effects unit alongside a cellist and a singer. They music was predominantly effects-laden drones set against sparse vocals and cello playing, which achieved a mesmerizing disposition that never really wavered. The music was more drawn out and predictable than her recorded output, with movements occasionally overstaying their welcome and lapsing into diminishing returns, but there were far more enthralling moments than meandering ones. The music on the whole wasn't particularly well-suited for a festival set, but that didn't necessarily prevent it from achieving a compelling, mind-melting spell all the same.

Shortly after Nayar's set I hit the green stage for Lucrecia Dalt. Dalt sang and played a keyboard/synth and a sampler alongside a drummer, and the two of them delivered some welcome, extremely tasteful shifts to her avant-garde bolero stylings. The set was just as unpredictable as her recorded output, but the drums did a ton of heavy lifting as far as giving shape to her striking compositions is concerned. Dalt's voice sounded great, and the playing of both members was loose and playful but marked with a sharp precision that underscored the technicality on display. It was a strong set that capped off the avant-garde block of Sunday shows before things became dramatically more accessible.

After Dalt's set I returned to the red stage for Jockstrap. Jockstrap is a 2 piece consisting of Georgia Ellery, who sang and occasionally used a sampler, guitar, and violin, and Taylor Skye, who split his time between keys, samplers, and effects units. Their set split the difference between dreamy, acoustic guitar led reveries, and arty dance pop, and was, despite feeling somewhat disjointed, a mostly satisfying realization of their sole album, Jennifer B. Unsurprisingly, the strongest performances were their best songs, which were "Debra" and "Concrete Over Water" (the latter found Ellery alternating between serene verses and violin shredding throughout the chorus). While their set didn't quite match the lightning in a bottle brilliance of their debut, it was a promising set that suggested that they're well on their way to becoming an exciting live act.

I ducked out of Jockstrap's set early to catch Philly hardcore legends, Soul Glo, on the blue stage. SG consists of drummer TJ Stevenson, guitarist GG Guera (who also used a mixer), vocalist Pierce Jordan, and touring bassist Rob Blackwell. SG’s set drew primarily from their excellent LP Diaspora Problems from last year, and was a raucous, no-holds barred approximation of that record's scorched earth sonics and leftist lyricism with the urgency cranked to 11. There were dozens of great moments spread throughout, such as Guerra tossing his guitar into the air multiple times during "Driponomics", and footwork playing during their tuning transitions (perhaps the first and last time I'll ever watch people juke in a mosh pit), which then quickly transitioned into the largest pit that I've ever seen for highlight "Gold Chain Punk". Towards the end of "Gold Chain Punk" Blackwell swapped to guitar, Pierce grabbed the bass, and Guerra delivered the song's final, harrowing shrieks to close it out. While their set obviously wasn't as polished as their studio recordings that would have been beside the point entirely, and thankfully they made good on the righteous (and riotous) promise of those sublime, serrated songs.

After Soul Glo I caught the 2nd half of JPEGMAFIA's green stage set. While Peggy is a consummate performer through and through (especially given that he's a one man rapper, hype man, and dj) his banter is also A1. Between referring to the festival as "Conde Nast Festival", referring to Morrissey as "his boy", chastising the crowd for chanting "Fuck Morrisey" ("Why would you say that, that's so mean?") before going into "I Can't Fucking Wait Until Morrissey is Dead", and claiming that "Pitchfork finally got me back after all that shit I talked about them" (referring to rallying the crowd to chant Fuck P4K at the festival a few years earlier) after his microphone cut out midway through "Baby I'm Bleeding", he was in top form. Naturally, his set predominantly stuck to cuts from Scaring the Hoes, his 2023 collaboration with Danny Brown, but he still snuck in the aforementioned highlights from his breakthrough, Veteran, as well as some solid cuts from the records in-between. As expected, Peggy parlayed his provocations into a rousing performance.

Shortly after Peggy wrapped up Killer Mike started his set on the red stage. Mike's stage was decorated like a church, with an alter, pew, half a dozen flower arrangements, and a gospel choir supporting him alongside his dj (which was all-too fitting for the man who once rapped, on one of his most iconic songs, that the only time that he's ever truly had a religious experience was while listening to rap music). "Idk if y'all were expecting an underground rap show, but this isn't no underground rap show. Today is church" he exclaimed at the jump. He sadly cut "Ready, Set Go" (easily the best song he played) short in favor of almost entirely playing cuts from his latest LP, Michael, none of which are as strong as the songs on Pledge or R.A.P. Music. For every great moment (reading a fan's sign that stated "Mike say stop cop city" to which he replied "idk if we'll stop the evil oligarchs, but I really appreciate the effort") there was an unfortunate one (shouting out Dave Chappelle). The pro landlord bars landed with a thud, but he also preached the necessity of teaching young boys the importance of using condoms. Before getting into his final song he extolled the importance of building community and acting locally (the best way to go about this, he argued, is to wait on your porch with a doobie until your neighbor comes outside and then offer them a hit). The choir was tight, his dj knocked it out of the park, and Mike was in great form, truly rapping like his life depended on it, but the overtly sanctimonious tone dulled what could have been a stellar showcase.

An hour or so after Mike's set ended Kelela began her set on the red stage. Kelela appeared to perform solo (her dj was behind the curtains stage right), and she gave an enthralling performance that leaned heaviest on Raven, her 2023 2nd LP and opus thus far, but she still drew from cuts on her Cut For Me tape, Hallucinogen EP, and debut LP, Take Me Apart. Her performance was a stark reminder of how consistently excellent her output has been throughout her decade of releasing music. Her set unraveled like a greatest hits collection from an artist with a body of work several times larger than hers, and there wasn't a misstep or lull in the momentum throughout it all. Her voice sounded just as good live, but her phrasing and delivery on a few songs was tweaked for some additional flavor. There were too many highlights to list, but her performance of "Raven" was a particularly rapturous moment that unfurled with an understated touch that breathed new life into the song. Her set was easily one of the festival's highlights, and I hope to see her again at some point.

After Kelela's set I caught Bon Iver's headlining set on the green stage to close out the festival. BI's band consisted of 2 drummers, and 3 people working various electronic setups that consisted of keyboard synths and samplers (one of them also played guitar, and another also contributed saxophone and bass) while Justin Vernon alternated between guitar, keyboard synth, and sampler. Their set struggled to build up momentum initially since they were predominantly playing cuts from their severely underwhelming 2019 LP, i,i, but once they started drawing from the other 3 albums (and Blood Bank EP) they locked into a groove that they sustained throughout the rest of their set. It's easy to clown a song like "Skinny Love", but their performance of that song had more personality and urgency than all of the i,i songs combined. In addition to "Skinny Love" the highlights were "10 DEATH BREAST" "Blood Bank", "Holocene", "Perth", and a particularly potent performance of "715 CREEKS". BI are an excellent live act when the songs are there, and despite how increasingly detailed and complex their setup has gotten from album to album it's hard to deny the emotional urgency lying at the heart of their best work, and they've generally done justice to that source material each time that I've seen them. Their set was another ideal closing curtain for another extremely well-curated and executed P4K Festival. It's hard to say if BI will release another album as well-realized as their first 3, but I have to imagine they'll remain an immensely compelling live act for the foreseeable future.

[caralara]

Would you share your thoughts about louis take on mental health

hi love, I wanted to take the time to properly respond to this, so apologies for the delay! This was sparked from the Music Week interview in which Louis says following, making the fandom have half a meltdown over what he said, saying he's lying for example:

Louis Tomlinson on mental health and music “In terms of One Direction, it’s often easy to stereotype these big evil managers or big evil label heads who demanded that we did this [or that]. It wasn’t really like that, I will say that everyone did their best by us, and I’m talking specifically about our mental health. However, being an artist is very individual and the pressures that you have day-to-day, no manager or record boss understands that. Until you experience it, you don’t understand it. Sometimes words are powerful, it can be a little throwaway phrase that comes from this suited label boss and you think about that for the next couple of months.”

I said in my tags that I thought this was aligning exactly what I thought Louis is on about, generally, and I was quite pleased with his response.

What he's saying here, is so important, especially in our fandom, in my opinion. It's easy to lock onto one evil mastermind who's supposedly pulling all the strings and easy to blame, but that's rarely how the real world works. The music industry is a part and a result of our society, and almost like a little society, a little cosmos itself. Everyone who works in the music industry was born and socialised in our society, and whenever loads of money and big egos are involved, as it is in the music industry, the ugliest faces of humanity make their appearances.

To me, what Louis is saying, is that from a rational, calm viewpoint that he - I am very sure worked very hard to achieve - found, there's not really one person at fault for making the time during One Direction tough on their mental health. That humans make mistakes, and that he also gives a lot of the people around them the benefit of the doubt that they truly were trying to look out for the boys. Unfortunately, other people don't always know what's the best for you, and that is something Louis also says in this quote, that if you're not in the situation yourself, you just don't understand the full impact of the circumstances. Let's say, the people surrounding them genuinely had their best interest at heart, but the way they were raised and grew up in the industry, to them Louis' best interest meant commercial success and fame, meaning they would try their best to maintain a certain image for them to make sure he would be commercially successful and famous while not completely breaking down. And to them, they would genuinely feel like all their actions were justified and the right decisions, because that is what they felt Louis' best interest was, and be genuinely appalled by anyone accusing them for exploiting Louis.

He also touches on the fact that similar circumstances can have very different effects on different people. Maybe he was coping better than others (like I believe, I think he was coping much better than Harry during 2013/2014, which led him to say yes to babygate to take some of the pressure of the closet off of Harry), and that it is generally a very, very complex matter.

To me, his quote speaks of understanding and kindness towards the people who simply didn't know better, and his wonderful phrase of "it is what it is" (and he's doing all he can to make the best of the situation instead of wasting energy with holding grudges). And don't get me wrong, I also believe that Louis still has a lot of rage and frustration in him towards specific people, because, again, he also is just human and it's not easy to forgive people that fucked your life over, no matter how badly you want to (looking at you "how do you sleep at night when you're just like me" and Simon), and believe it or not - those are both things he can have in him simultaneously, humans are wonderfully paradox and complex like that.

So, yeah. Just reinforcing my image of Louis being an incredibly thoughtful person, deeply interested in human psychology and someone who took the first part of the lockdown to really go into his own mind and search (and find) some of the peace he needed to be able to move forward freely :)

[kikibridges13]

Reblogging since I have finally began working on this train wreck.

I have tucked away a lot of my own feelings regarding what happened to me in 2013 (which I posted about in more length last year. It'll pop up when you click on the first tag.) I never felt like I had the chance to process it or grieve the plans and future I had planned. Last year forced me to come to terms with most of it, and I've been navigating the rest sprinkled out in counseling. My counselor suggested writing it down, but I have a terrible track record of writing about my personal things (idk how many journals I have with only 1 or 2 things written down).

So, channeling all my feelings through fanfiction is the way I have chosen to cope, lol.

Prior to the discovery of my tumor, I started getting headaches similar to what Buck experiences at the end of chapter one and into chapter two. Headaches so bad they completely incapacitated me. At the time, I was 23, and in my senior year of college. Writing a thesis and running my school newspaper, as well as the daily life experiences of college, sometimes was delayed due to these headaches. I would have to go to our Nursing Services and get a shot for the pain, because ibuprofen and Tylenol wouldn't even touch it.

The weird thing about all this was that the headaches weren't daily. I would get a really bad one like this once or twice a week, sometimes a duller one in between, which is why it didn't concern me until later. I chopped it all up to being the normal stress of being a senior.

And then the balance issues and the constant fatigue started, which we will deep into more in this coming up chapter.

If you've come here from AO3, welcome to my own journey of grief? Trauma? Or just grief, lol.

And for anybody wanting to join in, here is the link to Chapter 2.

look, am I going to write a 9-1-1 fic based on my personal medical shit as a means to work through it after 10 years of using dark humor and pretending it didn't happen?

yes.

am I also going to make evan buckley the victim of said medical shit because at this point terrorizing that poor man has become close to a recreational sport for us fanfic writers?

also yes.

[in-superbloom]

did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? (a.i.)

right where you left me: prologue

pairing: ashton irwin x olivia jones (oc)

warnings: uhh a kinda grieving theme i guess? but no deaths. it has a sad tone overall, but nothing major (in this chapter hehe). foul language because i can't help myself. the tiniest mention of alcohol, but as a memory. think i should probably warn you that this contains a very sad ash. also not much dialogues. this is mainly for explanation and introduction, but very important for the story. if you find anything else that might be triggering, please let me know so i can add it here !!

author's note: oof okay. so. this is the prologue of a series very very dear to my heart that i've been working on for what it feels like my whole life but really it's been just a few months. but i'm in love with the story (which rarely happens with my own writing) so i hope you can enjoy it too !! this is also my very first time posting a fic since 2013 so pls keep that in mind <3 no i am not shaking as type this ofc not also: although i have the full story ready in my head, this is the only chapter that's written. i wanted to wait until i had at least a few ready before posting this but i'm too anxious for that lmao just saying this bc it will take a good while until i have any more chapters, so <3 (p.s.: i went over this thing a million times since may so if you find any errors pls look away, i'm not fixing this thing anymore. thanks <3)

another note: anna from the future here to say that i completely forgot about the playlist i made for the story lmao here it is in case you're interested k thanks bye <3

credits: title is from taylor swift's song right where you left me. model in the picture: paola locatelli. banner by me.

i also wanted to take a minute to thank some really nice friends that i've made here over these past few months & that i'm extremely grateful for @wastelandcth @suchalonelysunflower @littledrummerangie i cannot thank you babes enough for inspiring me the way that you do & for letting me yell about this to you && for encouraging me so much 🥺 i'll never be able to explain just how much this means to me, so i'll have to settle for saying thank you at any change that i can get <3 i love you all 💜 also gem my baby, thank you for the inspo with the banner 💚

@bluesdelis look babe i did it 😌 you know how grateful i am for you & for you letting me have a breakdown every week about my writing for the past 8 years so let's not dive into that or else i will write something bigger than this prologue jsjsjdjd love you 🖤

i hope you all have a good reading and a nice day ♡

let me know what are your thoughts about the fic ! ♡

word count: 4.1k

☆☆☆

Cold. That was the first thing that Olivia’s brain processed.

Still with her eyes closed, she buried herself more into the duvet, while her arm blindly reached for the furnace in human form that she calls boyfriend. However, as soon as her arm was only met with cold sheets, her eyes shot open.

Blinking the sleep away, she sat up on the bed, searching for the infamous red clock resting on Ashton’s bedside table that was supposed to look like a vintage alarm clock. Olivia had ordered it online at an auction website a couple of years back, as a gift for his 23rd birthday, since it was something he had mentioned multiple times prior that he was looking for, but still hadn't found. But when it finally came in (two weeks after the due date), it looked nothing like the picture she saw on the website. Feeling beyond frustrated, she wanted to send it back immediately and ask for a refund and maybe leave a not so polite review on the seller's page. But Ashton stopped her right away, laughing like the situation was absolutely hilarious to him, while saying, 'I like it, it’s quirky'. So, the clock stayed and found a home right next to him in their room.

Some days, however, she would wake up at some ungodly hour because of the blaring noise of the only ringtone the clock had. But whatever annoyance she could feel towards the object, it always vanished as soon as she felt Ashton's lips gently touching her face in a good morning kiss before he would get up to start his day, leaving her to catch some more hours of well deserved sleep.

As the furthest from a morning person as a touring musician could possibly be, Olivia had always feared that living under the same roof as Ashton would turn her into an early bird like him, but she's thankful that it never happened (not that he needs to know about that).

When she sees the red clock, she smiles at the sudden but welcome memories of them flooding her foggy brain, but frowns slightly when she realizes it reads 12:13 pm. Ashton rarely lets her sleep past 10 am.

Gathering all her strength and will, she rises up from the bed, smoothly picking up a grey wool sweatshirt from the chair (way too baggy on her slim body, but it smells like him), pulling it over her head and relishing on the soft material warming up her body. Making her way to the door and calmly going down the stairs, she can’t help but stop for a minute to admire the picture frames on their walls, one in particular catches her attention – probably one of the most prized pictures and memories they had. It felt older than it actually is, but it was around 4 years ago, she's sure – a little while after the two of them met. The picture was of their group of friends that still remains the same: Ashton and his best friend, Luke; Olivia, her best friend, Calum and their old hometown friend, turned into Calum’s new friend at college, turned into everyone’s friend, Michael; and her then newly band members, Suki, Eli and Ravi. Together, their group was the life of the party through all their college years, and it showed by the big smiles and drinks in hands they all had in the picture. It was a very special night, the first time Olivia’s little band played for the public – for a small audience sure, but it was a wonderful night nonetheless. What a long road it had been since that night.

Her nostalgic thoughts were interrupted by a shiver that went through her whole body, and it made her realize how oddly cold the whole house was, not only their bedroom. Which, granted, it was November in New York and the weather was just getting colder, but that’s exactly why Ashton always made sure to keep the house warm enough. As much as she loved the chilly season, the warm weather always reminded him of his hometown, and who was she to deny him that?

The smell of fresh made coffee could be sensed even before she reached the kitchen. Arriving there, the curly haired woman still found no signs of her boyfriend, so she went straight after the coffee maker pot sitting on the far left corner of the cream marble counter. Smiling softly at the tons of memories of Ashton's sleepy figure making their favorite beverage, she reached for a coffee mug on the cupboard on top of the counter and poured the remainder of the hot liquid on it (it's her favorite mug, if she must choose – it was a gift from a fan, and it had printed on it a collage of the pictures of her and Ashton that were posted on social media through their first year of relationship).

Moving to the glass doors that lead to the mini garden they cultivate, she didn't have to open them to spot the 6-feet-tall man sitting on a bench outside, looking oddly small in his oversized clothes, coffee mug tightly held between strong hands. Something about his figure made Olivia frown, however: he was staring with an unwavering look at her small but eye-catching pot of yellow daffodils that were almost as much of a pet to them as Stitch at this point. Sensing that there’s something definitely off about his semblance, she made a mental note to talk to him and find out what’s wrong later. So she goes back to the kitchen, knowing that he might need this quiet and private moment for himself.

She lost count of the minutes that went by (couldn't have been more than five) before she hears the garden's door opening and closing, and then his bare feet are dragging his brawny body to her. Except, he goes over to the sink, walking right through her, not showing any sign that he even saw her hunched figure over the counter table in the middle of the room.

Alright, someone's in a mood.

Olivia tries to swallow the annoyance already bubbling inside her – he knows how much she hates to be ignored, no matter how mad he might be – by trying to think of what she can say that won't piss him off. This is always a hard feat to accomplish when Ashton gets in these moods, but there’s a reason for them to work so well together.

“I missed my favorite body heater when I woke up,” she says in her best sweet voice, knowing how quickly his resolve crumbles when he hears that voice.

Still, no reaction.

That settles a worry at the pit of her stomach, because Ashton is never like this. Even when he's not in the mood to talk, he always gives some kind of reaction to her words; it doesn't matter how small, just enough to make her feel acknowledged.

When he's finished washing his mug and the few scattered dishes across the sink – she noticed that he already had lunch, if the lone plate in the drying rack is anything to go by –, he dries his hand in a towel, turns around and throws it on top of the same counter Olivia was leaning up against. Once again, he walks away not even sparing her a look.

Indignant, she leaves the now empty coffee mug on top of the table and follows him as he walks up the stairs, any determination to not aggravate his mood now well gone.

“Hey! In case you didn't notice, I'm right here. Whatever got you in this sour mood, I'm certainly not to blame, so can you stop being a child now and talk to me?!”

Ashton just keeps walking – more like sluggishly dragging his body – until he reaches their bedroom and suddenly stops just merely two feet inside the room, looking around with vacant eyes; like he was expecting to see something that wasn't there.

“Okay, that's really mature of you. Are you planning on ignoring me all day then?” Olivia questions exasperated, staring angrily at the back of his neck, where the condor tattoo lives – her favorite of his, but that sight doesn't bring her any peace today like it usually does.

Her glare only breaks when she hears the familiar sound of dog tags swaying on her right side. Shifting her gaze to the direction of the sound, Olivia notices Stitch, their small, black & white French bulldog – who she thought was outside in the garden – slowly trudging his way from around the bed until he stops at Ashton's feet, looking up at one of his humans with sad eyes. That realization only makes the worry in her stomach grow uncomfortably.

“Hi buddy,” Ashton's voice cracks a bit from the lack of use, but he smiles softly at the sweet dog, and crouches down to pet him.

Olivia can't help but gasp as she notices three things all at once that leave her overwhelmed: first, how she didn't even notice Stitch was in the room when she woke up – which never ever happens, in fact, most days he wakes her up whenever he deems her bedtime as finished and can't ever contain his excitement when she finally gets up; second, how the windows blinds are closed, which, again, rarely occurs under their roof, not if Ashton can help it. And third, how sad and melancholic the whole scene in front of her is – how sad and melancholic Ashton is. Pointless to say by now – that's also a very rare occasion.

A chill creeps up Olivia's spine, putting her body into high alert and also serving as a reminder of how everything looks out of place today. Trying to keep her head from spiraling down way too soon, she wraps her arms around herself and crouches down beside her two favorite boys, trying once more.

“Ash? Can you hear me?” even with her throat closing, she softly asks, purposefully putting her face in Ashton's point of view. Her only answer is the low whispers he's letting out to Stitch, while cradling the tiny dog in his arms, spreading gentle kisses on his head.

“I know, bud, I know. I miss her too,” is the only whisper she could understand and immediately wishes she hadn't. The weak wail that comes from Stitch's throat seems to fit perfectly with how the three of them feel.

Ashton then looks up and for a couple of seconds, and Olivia can swear he’s staring right into her eyes. But when he shows no reaction, she knows he’s just staring ahead and not at her, with that look that says there’s too much going on inside his head. She feels the urge to embrace him and get him to talk about whatever is on his mind, so they can share that weight like they always do, but when Ashton gets up from the ground and settles on the bed with Stitch, Olivia can physically feel the crack in her heart caused by the feeling she’s left with.

While Ashton is pulling the duvet over him and the dog, with clearly no intentions of getting up anytime soon, Olivia stands up on her feet with a new-found determination – she needs to figure out what the hell is going on.

This nightmare had to be just that, right? Nothing but a very vivid dream – she's had those before. Scary sure, but they always go away, and soon enough she's back into Ashton's arms, with Stitch jumping on the bed ready to lick their faces off. She just needs to wake herself up from whatever fucked up dream this is – right?

She's running down the stairs this time, frantically in search of something, of what exactly, she doesn’t know – but she knows she needs an answer. The more she looks for something, the more desperate she gets, not knowing what to look for. Then suddenly, something catches her eyes.

The white and blue calendar that's held up by magnets on the side of the fridge. She knows their calendar is red and yellow. They got it from their favorite flower market. Slowly, as if scared of what it might be there – “It's just a calendar, for fucks sake” – she approaches the damn thing. Upon inspection, she deems it as a normal calendar – she really doesn't know what she was expecting – until.

She knows what's wrong with it now.

It's November. She knows it, because the Asian and last leg of her first world tour is about to begin November 21st, eleven days from today. Right after Mike's birthday, she knows this.

Then why does the calendar say today is January 14th?

☆ ☆ ☆

Ashton woke up with a jolt. He quickly sat up, frightening the little Frenchie that was asleep right next to him on the bed. Trying to make sense of his surroundings, he roughly rubbed his face to get some sleep off of it and soon reached for the dog that was staring at him with sleepy but sad eyes. Ashton is sure Stitch understands far more than a dog is supposed to understand about their current situation.

The room is covered in shadows, almost pitch black, but he can see the sunlight even through the thick dark grey blinds covering up the windows. Ashton knows he won't be able to sleep again at that moment, so he gets up from the bed – much slower than he used to. His heartbeat is still out of control because of the nightmare that woke him up, but he can't bother to pay attention to it when Stitch is softly wailing beside him. Ashton lets out a ghost of a smile when the dog rests his head on his right upper thigh, looking up at him with an expression Ashton knows all too well.

“C'mon you little ravenous creature, let's feed you,” the bulldog excitedly jumps to the ground, already running his way down the stairs, not even waiting for Ashton to get up.

That gets a real smile out of him, but it vanishes as soon as he glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table. It reads 5:13 am, nothing out of the ordinary for him. But that small and inoffensive clock, with its red paint peeling off, holds a lot of memories for him. Memories that two months ago would bring joy to his heart, but now he almost wants to throw the object across the room.

It was a stupid thing, really. He had been wanting a vintage alarm clock and Olivia got one for his birthday. But the product they received was definitely not the one she bought, and if he's being honest, he didn't like it as much as he made out to. But seeing her so excited in the weeks before it arrived, and how disappointed she was when it did, he couldn't help but try his best to make her smile that luminous smile again. It's part of his nature by now.

That's also the reason why he lets her think that he doesn't notice when she wakes up at some ungodly hour (her words, not his) along with him, because of the annoying and only sound the alarm clock is able to produce. He always leaves soft kisses in every inch of bare skin he can find on her sleeping figure, so she goes back to the dream land and doesn't wake up before 10 am. No one wants to deal with that kind of bad humor, not even him.

As much as he likes being a morning person and absolutely enjoys her company in the mornings, he knows she'll take any and every extra hour of sleep she can get before starting the day. And that's why he loves that she's so stubborn that his early bird tendencies never got to her – he knows she feared that this would happen when they moved in together, but he met her like this, fell for her like this. He wouldn't change a single thing about her.

Ashton drags himself out of the bed, wincing slightly at how cold the wooden floors are under his bare feet. He doesn't bother putting some socks on, or a sweater – the cold weather in the house is uncharacteristically comforting to him. Nothing feels warm without her anyway.

While descending the stairs, he mentally curses himself for not being strong enough to look past the picture frames on the wall. One in particular catches his eyes – a picture from the night of Olivia's first concert with her band. The memories of that night are still painfully vivid in his mind: the laughter among their group that eventually infected everyone at the pub, Suki and Luke's first kiss and the silly smile that didn't leave his best friend's face all night, the standing ovation Olivia got after her three-songs set, and her captivating and breathtaking smile that made him realize right then and there, while watching her sway to the music, that he was definitely falling in love with her and there was nothing he could do to stop it – not that he wanted to.

So many memories held up on that wall, in the relatively short time since they met, that he can't help but wonder if that's all they'll get in this lifetime.

Ashton is abruptly taken out of his thoughts by Stitch's barks coming from the bottom of the stairs. He quickly jogs down the few steps left and goes straight after the dog's food in the kitchen's cabinet. After Stitch starts to happily devour his breakfast, Ashton goes to make his coffee, doing enough for two people like he always does, since Calum drops by most days for a chat or to drop Duke before going to work. Although all three of them know he just can't bother to make food for himself in the morning, while Ashton is the group's elected chef. Ashton always says he just needs a boyfriend – Olivia says Calum already has one who makes him breakfast every day.

He grabs an apple from the fridge and makes his way outside to their garden. Even though a lot of their memories took place there, the garden is the only space in the house where he doesn't feel like suffocating all the time. At least here, he can breathe some fresh air and look at the sky when he's feeling overwhelmed – which is basically all he's been doing for about a month now.

Yet, a lot of the garden has Olivia's name written all over.

He remembers vividly the day she came home after spending two weeks in LA doing some pocket shows, with a pack of daffodil seeds and the largest smile. She excitedly told him that a friend gifted it to her when she mentioned the little garden they were planning to build together at their new house. The friend told Olivia that daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, so as the good lover of symbolism that she is, Olivia loved the idea of having those flowers to symbolize their new beginning.

Ashton, on the other hand, wasn't a fan of the flowers at first – he just didn't see the appeal to them. But nonetheless, he indulged her, letting Olivia plant the seeds near the bench they used to sit during the quiet and unrushed afternoons, so they could admire the sunset, and she could happily look at the daffodils.

Pointless to say – the damn flowers grew on him.

Now, however, looking at them without Olivia and her contagious joy next to him, they were back to be as dull as they were before, if not more so.

Still lost inside his head without any sense of how much time went by since he sat down, Ashton doesn't hear the front door closing, and doesn't notice that he's no longer the only person inside the house until someone sits next to him on the bench. Yet, he doesn't show any sign of acknowledgement to them.

A few minutes go by before either of them speaks up.

“Luke said you didn't go to see her yesterday,” Calum starts softly, not wanting to disturb the calmness of the morning.

Ashton takes a few seconds to respond, “No point in doing that.” The black haired man licks his lips while thinking carefully about his next words.

“You know staying inside this house all day by yourself won't help either,” Calum turns his head to his left and takes a good look at Ashton's uncharacteristically hunched over figure, and immediately thinks that anyone can tell this man is not himself anymore. His second thought is that Olivia would hate seeing him like this.

“And what exactly do you expect me to do? Move on with my life like nothing happened? Like I'm not slowly and painfully losing the love of my life? Just because it’s easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for me.”

Calum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows Ashton doesn't mean it, it's the anger and frustration talking. He knows it. Doesn't make it sting any less.

“I'm not telling you to move on with your life, because that's far from what I'm doing, and I certainly don't expect you to do it. I'm just saying you need to occupy your mind or else–”

“I'll go insane? Think it's a bit too late for that,” Ashton interrupts with a bitter tone that doesn't belong to his usual chirpy voice.

“You know it's not,” Calum sighs and drinks the rest of his coffee, moving his body slightly, so he's facing the blonde man, “I got a job interview for you at that school you talked about so much last summer, the principal said you can go any day this week. I went ahead and sent her your resume as well as explained everything that she needs to know about Olivia, so you don't have to. You just gotta put on some decent clothes and show up.” he sees Ashton's face softening a little and takes it as a victory. A few beats go by and then, “Maybe take a shower too. That's gonna make you feel better.” Calum leans in closer to his friend's personal space and takes a sniff, causing Ashton to deflect from him slightly, but not to push him away – another small win.

“Definitely take a shower, you stink. When was the last time your hair saw shampoo?”

“Fuck off,” is Ashton's only reply to the younger man's inquest. But Calum can see a smile creeping up on the blonde's face, which brings out a smile of his own.

“I'll send you all the details later today,” he checks the hour on the watch on his wrist and gets up, “Just please, Ash, go. I can't lose you too.”

Calum gently lays a hand on Ashton's shoulder and squeezes a little. The man doesn't look up, but gives a curt nod to his friend, who's satisfied enough. Calum stops on the threshold of the garden glass doors to give some kisses to Stitch – who came to make Ashton company as soon as he finished his food –, and then he puts the coffee mug on the dishwater. And soon enough, he's on his way out of the door. But not before snatching a tangerine from the fridge.

Ashton is left by himself once again. As he hears the sound of the front door closing, he thinks that this might be his life from now on. Just him and Stitch, trying their hardest to make it through another miserable day without the love of their lives. While everyone else comes by just to make sure he's still breathing. Breathing, maybe, but alive?

Swallowing the tears, he looks up at the sky. It's a deep, beautiful mix of orange, pink and blue, but he knows that it won't last long and soon the rain will be pouring down. He thinks about how much Olivia loves the rain.

God, he needs to pull himself together. She would hate to see him like this. Maybe he should take Calum's offer after all, he really needs to occupy his mind.

Making a mental note to thank Calum later, and also to apologize for how rude he was to him this morning, Ashton slowly gets up from the bench to put his mug on the sink and makes his way to the living room, with the small dog loyally following his every step. He puts on some cartoon that for once doesn't remind him of her (she always lovingly made fun of him for still watching those) and cuddles with Stitch on the couch. He can take a shower later.

Not half an hour goes by, he falls asleep and has a good dream for a change. He dreams of the days he spent with Olivia in the Philippines last February, right before her first world tour started. Some of the most magical days of their lives – surrounded by delicious food, a whole new culture to learn about and the warmth of the sun. Infinite counted days full of love and passion, where they were the only people in the world.

Even his subconscious knows to hold on to that brief moment of happiness, because he might never live that again.

[bbyjimni]

Our Night (M)

—

pairing: park jimin x female reader

brief description -you and jimin take the night back to a hotel, very intoxicated and very horny.

warnings/contains - daddy kink, ddlg themes, heavy making out, (slight) exhibitionism, groping, dom/sub themes, dom!jimin, sub!reader, shower intimacy, fingering

words - 1.8k

(hi so this is actually a snippet of something ive been in the midst of writing for a LONG time lolol also sorry for the weird spacing i write my stuff on Wattpad and it comes out weird on here 😭)

(if u guys like it ill eventually finish the full thing hehe)

—

"Jimin!" You yelped between kisses as he jokingly grabbed your breast. He giggled before eagerly pressing his lips back onto yours. The elevator door opened not too long before your make-out session grew hotter with more grabbing and groping.

"I can't help myself baby, you're just so irresistible."

After a night of dancing, drinking, and flirting with each other, you both decided to end this event on a pleasant note.

It took a few days for the sassy maknae to convince the others to let him go out with you tonight, also including a couple of chores to do as well (courtesy of Jungkook and Namjoon). However, it was worth it, you got to have a night with each other that you'll never forget. You definitely won't forget the way he looked when he first picked you up from your home either.

His black leather jacket and jeans sure as hell made him look like a dime piece, it was as if he was a gourmet meal for eyes.

You stumbled out, still attached to each other, and at least, tried to find your way back to your room. Although you shouldn't be doing something so uncouth in a public place, the both of you really couldn't help yourselves. His lips were plump and soft as if they were meant to be fooling with yours. You loved the way his tongue would intertwine with yours, the sweet taste of his mouth mixing in with yours. While trying to get to your room, you ended up ramming yourselves into a wall, your make-out was just that intense. You both drunkenly laughed about it, still keeping your lips close to resume your heated kissing.

"{name}, put your legs around me." He whispered in your ear, sending sensual chills through your body.

"You're too small Chimmy, you'll probably fall over."

"I don't care if you're small or have the biggest ass on the block, put your legs around me." Despite him being kind of a little guy (in your intoxicated eyes), you were somewhat scared of disobeying him, especially being drunk. Being pinned against the wall, you easily wrapped yourself around him, seeing him grin out of satisfaction. You slithered your arms around his neck and felt his hands grab your cheeks, caressing your thighs from behind. You were surprised he was able to carry you like this, maybe the muscles from his 2013 phase had stayed.

Bringing your lips back into a kiss, he fumbled his hand into his back pocket, making sure he had the room key there. He opened one eye to see where he was going and pulled it out, soon slamming you against a random room door.

He pulled away and panted, "Baby, do you know the room number?"

"321." Jimin looked behind your head and saw that the room number on the door was actually 319, meaning your horny attitudes most likely woke up or scared someone to death.

"Damn it, this isn't it." He stepped away and looked around, soon spotting your room. He carried you over, swiping the card and unlocking the door. You smiled at each other and locked lips once again, messing around with each other's clothing. You noticed the chilliness of the room, receiving an idea from the lack of heat.

"Chim Chim, it's so cold...Why don't we take this to the shower?" You playfully whined at him, getting a kiss from him.

"Anything for you, princess." He whispered in your ear once again, making you sigh from the arousal you were in. He kicked off his shoes and walked in the room a little more, finding a door to what was presumed to be the bathroom and opening it. He flicked the light on and glanced around the place, enjoying the layout, space, and the shower the most. You got down from Jimin and stepped out of your heels, unzipping your tight black dress and leaving the rest for him to take off.

"The rest is for you, daddy." You purred, making him smile devilishly. He took off his jacket and threw it on the floor, attacking you with kisses once again. He snuck his hands on your thighs, slinking them up the dress and becoming surprised.

"No panties for me, eh baby?"

You looked away and glimpsed back at him, putting your hands on the counter before getting involved in yet another heated kiss. While his tongue toyed with yours, he grinded up against you, making you moan softly between his lips. Jimin yanked the sleeves of the dress down your arms, exposing your voluptuous chest. He unbuckled his belt, forcing his jeans down to his feet and stepping out of them, all without breaking the kiss. You unclipped your bra and threw it to some random place in the bathroom, following up with taking off the rest of your dress, revealing your body to Jimin. He licked your lips and smiled under the kiss, soon pulling away and walking into the shower to turn on the water.

"Make it hot, Jimin. I wanna be sweating by the time you're done with me."

"Mm, I think I can do that on my own, baby cakes." You ran your fingers through your hair as Jimin turned on the water, sticking his finger under it until it was the right temperature. He beckoned his finger at you and walked back in, having you soon follow behind him. His hair flattened the moment he came in contact with the water, making him look maybe twice as attractive as he already was. You shut the frosted glass door behind you and attacked Jimin with more kissing, not even close to resisting his beautiful body.

While your lips danced so sensually together and you immersed in the water together, your hands laid on his toned stomach, handling the time and work he's put into his physique. His grip around your hips was tight, holding onto you as if you'd vanish as if he didn't.

All of a sudden, he turned you around so that he was facing your back. His hands travelled all around you, caressing and massaging your soft, wet skin. He took one hand and moved your saturated hair to the side, bringing his soothing lips to your neck and leaving little love-bites on you. You groaningly sighed as you felt his tongue on you. Although his mouth was warm and delectable, the heat of the shower overpowered him and made his tongue feel cold on you. He kept one hand still against your stomach, letting you hold his hand tightly.

"Do you like the way I touch you?" He whispered in your ear, grinding against you and feeling your skin from behind. His hands roamed your body, feeling every inch of your drenched silhouette. You bit your lip and furrowed your eyebrows as his hand came closer to your womanhood, already having sweet arousal pool at your entrance. He brought his small but pleasing, slender fingers to your lips, spreading them and rubbing your sensitive bud. The hot shower and Jimin feeling your body made you feel twice as hot and steamy as you should be, making you a hot and flustered mess.

Jimin grinned as he played with you, enjoying the sexy whines that escaped your lewd lips. He delved his fingers deeper, touching your tangy tasting liquids.

"You're so wet for me baby.."

"It's all because of you, daddy." You followed up with a moan as he pressed his fingers against you, sending surges of pleasure throughout your entire body.

The more he felt you, the more you felt yourself become soaking wet for him. Each time he spoke to you, you could hear the lust dripping from his tongue as much as you could taste it when you kissed him. The way you felt his length brush against you made you want to go insane, considering how badly you wanted it inside you. You wanted to please him with your body, whichever way you could. You wanted to make Jimin feel like his head was in a cloud of ecstasy, to make him feel things no other woman could do for him but for now, it was his turn.

With no warning, he slipped his fingers inside of you, making you bite your lip and rest your head against his shoulder, closing your eyes as you already begin to clench around his fingers out of eagerness. As he played with you, he became more and more excited by your sounds; the neediness in your voice gave him chills that seemed to be strong enough to give goosebumps even under steaming, hot water. He continue to press his lips along your neck, I littering it with love kitten licks and bites. Speeding up the pace of his fingers, he pulls away from your neck, whispering in your ear with his slurred, deep voice, "I can't f-fucking wait to be buried in this pussy.".

Just hearing him made your legs buckle down and your eyes almost roll to the back of your head, he was making you feel so euphoric. You couldn't tell if it was because you were drunk or he was just so amazing at pleasuring you but you weren't complaining. Out of nowhere, he curled his fingers upwards, making you cry out with furrowed eyebrows, your hips grinding against his hand.

"Please make me cum, daddy, I want it so badly..." You whine, feeling yourself come closer to a climax. Bringing your hand behind his head to feel him, you turn your head and needily kiss him, moaning nonsense against his lips. Enjoying the sudden boldness you brought upon, as he fucks you with his fingers, he presses his thumb to your clit and applies pressure, his other hand grabbing and squeezing one of your breasts. Slipping your tongue in his mouth, he nibbles it, opening his eyes only to see how easily you've fallen apart in his arms.

"Look at me, little girl. I wanna see how good my baby looks while she cums." He orders, rubbing your clit in a circular motion, knowing you're bound to let go soon.

You opened your eyes and looked up at him as if he had stolen all of the stars in the sky for you. His fingers had you feeling so weak, you could almost barely handle the knot that formed in your stomach, ready to let go and release its feeling of pure bliss.

"Are you gonna be a good girl and cum for daddy like he asks?"

"Y-yes, daddy, fuck- please make me cum!" He smirks at the way you beg for him, bringing his free hand down to your ass, spanking it as he dominates your mouth once more. While finishing up his little game, your walls clench hard around his fingers, your liquids covering them as you reach your climax, cursing and crying out. He slowed his fingers down before feeling how smooth your pussy became, collecting some of your arousal on his fingers, bringing them to his lips.

"You're such a good girl."

[nctseren]

❝ For a long time, love was unattainable for her. She wrote, sang and dreamed about it, but she had never been truly in love.

The truth is that, and although she denies it, Kang Sohee is a hopeless romantic and she always has been. She often dreamed of meeting the right person and doing everything right so that love would last... and not fade like her parents' love.

However, love is strange and it does not come easy. She has learned that you can meet thousands of people and yet none of them will make you feel the things that you are supposed to feel.

She has also learned that you can mistake love. And as much as it hurts and breaks your soul, there are people you were born to love, and there are others you were not.

So, Seren doesn't have much experience in romance. And she's slowly learning that love and infatuation are two different things, that it doesn't have to hurt, that it should make you feel happy, and that you don't go looking for the right person, because eventually fate brings you together. ❞

⟶crush list

—WANG YONG

❝ I'm too shy to tell you how I feel.

So I'll hide behind timid smiles and soft hellos.

I'm afraid if I ask you: "what do you think of me? " your reply will be "I don't" ❞

duration of crush: 2014 — 2015

relationship: close friends, one side crush

current status: they haven't spoken in a long time but she still cares for him

their things: practicing together, sharing chocolates, him giving her books and then the next week sharing opinions about them, eating together all the time

playlist: kid in love by shawn mendes & u smile by justin bieber

Wang Yong came to SM Entertainment in late 2012 and Lee Taeyong quickly took care of him under his wing. He was quite a popular trainee, not only because of his looks, but also because of his great talent for dancing, despite his young age. He was to the younger ones what Kang Seulgi was to Sohee.

Wang Yong was a sweet guy, it was inevitable for girls not to have a crush on him, and anyone in his place would take advantage of it, but not him. He was focused on doing what he had to do: training hard. That's the reason why his only friends for a long time were only Taeyong and Hansol.

Kang Sohee (long before she was known as Seren) officially met him in late 2013, after watching him practice. They did not become friends right away, since it was not easy for him to open up to other people. However, when she became close to Taeyong, they inevitably had to become friends. And then they connected thanks to dancing, something they were both passionate about. They went from being acquaintances to partners who practiced together to friends. Then it was not only Wong Yong, Lee Taeyong and Ji Hansol, now it was also Kang Sohee.

2014 was a rough year for her, starting from the loss of her grandparents to learning that she was not going to debut with Red Velvet. It was the most difficult year for her in all that time locked up, but her friends were with her. And he didn't go unnoticed, no matter how hard he tried. He always carried an extra portion of food for her, left her books that he thought she would like and always pretended not to learn the choreography so that she could teach him and in that way distract her mind by doing what she likes the most.

It really wasn't difficult to like Wang Yong, he was sweet and a good boy. Soon she found herself thinking that she really liked the way he wrinkled his nose when he laughed, or how his eyes sparkled when someone complimented him and, most of all, the way he tilted his head when he was confused. And then every time he looked at her she felt something in her stomach (and no, she had thought the first time she felt it, it can't be diarrhea), her cheeks would blush and it was difficult for her to keep look at him.

He was her crush for a few months and suddenly their interactions were shy smiles and sharing chocolates. Until he was no longer making her feel like she was flying. He meant a lot to her because not only he was her first butterflies in her stomach, he was also one of her close friends and one of the most supportive.

Sometimes she still thinks about him, what is he doing? how is he doing? what it would have been like if he had debuted in NCT instead of her? SM Entertainment did not treat him well, apparently his voice was not good enough, in the future they had told him. All she knows is that he returned to his home in China, and all she hopes is that he's truly happy.

—MARK LEE

❝ There's a boy I like.

He smiles so bright and my heart can't take it.

There's a boy I like.

We both love the same things.

There's a boy I like.

I think about him all the time.

There's a boy I like.

He's my best friend. ❞

duration of crush: 2017 — early 2018

relationship: bandmates, best friends, crush

current status: bandmates, best friends, partners in crime

their things: holding hands, sharing songs, singing, rapping, dancing together, telling jokes, listening to music, trying to teach her basketball, teaching him to play futboll soccer, doing karaoke

playlist: the one that got away by katy perry & walk you home by nct dream & everything has changed by taylor swift & catching feelings by justin bieber & whenever you are by 5sos

For a long time, Mark was the closest thing to a best friend that she had. They practically grew up together (and are still growing). They wouldn't exactly tell each other everything, but they did trust each other. And every day, especially when they missed home, they would get together to tell their funniest childhood stories, and then listen to music for the rest of the time, enjoying each other's company.

Maybe that's what made her have feelings for him. Maybe it was the inside jokes, the laughs, the songs, maybe it was all together.

It was different, of course. It didn't feel at all like her first crush. No, it was definitely stronger, because they were Mark and Seren — everyone was talking about Mark and Seren: NCT's 99 line, best friends.

Liking Mark was a fresh feeling, no discomfort, no obvious blushes, no big butterflies either. No, liking Mark was being at peace. Being comfortable in his presence, hearing him sing, sharing smiles, doing mischief together, it all felt too good... almost like she was born for it.

And maybe she was born to love Mark, but in another life. Because on this one Mark Lee and Kang Sohee were just best friends. And although at nights she sometimes dreamed of his eyes, the same ones that hold thousands of stars, in the morning she reminded herself that nothing could change the friendship they had.

That's one of the reasons why she didn't do anything about it, that and because she didn't want to ruin all their efforts just for a crush.

It was difficult for her, because months passed and she kept thinking about him. Until eventually she stopped seeing him in a romantic way, his hugs stopped making her feel things (things you're not supposed to feel for a friend) and at night his eyes and laughter stopped appearing.

Now that time has passed, she realizes that staying best friends with him is a hundred times better than a possible relationship with him. And she prays, Oh, she prays that Mark Lee's future partner can love and appreciate him as much as he deserves... As much as she could have.

⟶dating list

—MOONBIN

❝ I enjoy our time together. And your laugh, your voice, your kisses. I enjoy you.

We may not be in love and that's okay for us.

Because what matters right now is that we're both having fun. ❞

public knowledge: private (only friends)

duration of relationship: march 2018 — april 2018

relationship: fling

current status: friends

their things: hanging out with friends, kisses, supporting each other, hugs

playlist: we are young by fun feat janelle monaé & locked out of heaven by bruno mars

They met at some awards and immediately they knew there was attraction, so they exchanged phone numbers and soon found themselves talking every single day.

They both knew what it was and what they wanted, to be young and have fun.

Those two months sometimes felt like an eternity, because they genuinely had a good time together. There was always fun, affection and, most importantly, sincerity.

They both knew it was meant to be over, so they enjoyed it.

Having fun with Moonbin felt like riding the drop tower: they weren't afraid of it, they just felt the adrenaline and fun you feel being up there in the air. But just as fast it goes up, it also goes down. And even though in the end you seem to want more, you know enough was enough.

—WOOSEOK

❝ I loved you as Icarus loved the sun — too close, too much. ❞

public knowledge: private for three months until their members found out

duration of relationship: july 2018 — january 2019

relationship: kind of dated, never really had a "tittle"

current status: acquaintances, they don't really talk anymore

their things: secret dates, midnight calls, back hugs, kisses

playlist: sweet creature by harry styles & the scientist by coldplay & the end of love by florence + the machine & it will rain by bruno mars

Kang Sohee and Jung Wooseok were never in love, but they might as well have been.

They met in mid-2018 thanks to a close friend, and the physical attraction was so immense that without thinking they both decided to give it a try. It was all very fast, but the result had been good. They were something, no tittle, yet they didn't care because they were okay with that.

Their relationship was like trying a new dish, they didn't know what to expect: they didn't know if it would be sweet or salty, everything was so different. But they had liked it. They spent a good time together, sometimes hiding from their members, it was a little secret that only the two of them knew.

They loved what they had. Midnight calls, secret dates, just sneaking around their members backs like that. It was exciting and fun. They were young people enjoying themselves.

Until it became real. Too real.

Suddenly they weren't just missing each other's presence, but they craved for their touch and kisses.

It was almost like an obsession. Every time they were together they felt intoxicated. They needed more, they wanted more.

And that wasn't healthy nor they where ready for that.

So, because they cared about each other, they put a stop to it. God knows that if they had stayed together, they would have burned.

—THE8

❝ The Ego asked:

'What is Love? It's too big of a word for me. I don't understand it at times.'

The Soul replied:

'If you understand Kindness

If you understand Respect

If you understand Acceptance

Then you will understand Love.' ❞

public knowledge: private (only members and close friends)

duration of relationship: december 2019 — present

relationship: acquaintances to friends to lovers

current status: in love, best friends

their things: nose, forehead and cheek kisses, showing her his art, painting together, taking pictures, listening to music, dedicating songs, slow dancing, hype man! hype woman!, writing songs about each other, domestic dates

playlist: love someone by lukas graham & ily by the rose & common by zayn & have you ever been in love? by the ivy & love somebody like you by joan & sunday morning by maroon 5 & natural by zayn

Falling for Xu Minghao was like breathing, so natural, so effortless, without realizing it.

They met in 2018 and for a year they were just acquaintances: their bandmate's friend. There were few interactions, maybe greetings and a few smiles. But when she has a very persistent Boo Seungkwan as her best friend, it was only a matter of time before she eventually became friends with the rest of them.

Being friends with Minghao is yellow, like observing the sunset. It's relaxing, enthusiastic, supportive, positivity, happiness...

It was an unexpected friendship but suddenly they were sharing songs, painting together and hanging out a lot more than with their original friends. Soft laughs, little jokes, looks full of adoration — it was so obvious that there was something there, they could feel it and everyone could see it. And still it took almost a year for them to take the risk. Was it really mutual or were they just imagining it?

He was the first to take the step, because even if it was all in his head at least he would be at peace knowing that he tried and didn't just let her go.

It was silly, really, how much they wanted to be together and how much they doubted.

Loving Minghao is comforting, honest, understanding, compassion, teamwork, sometimes overwhelming, and a new feeling that completely scares her because she has never been in love or in a serious relationship, yet she is sure of one thing: discovering those feelings with him was her best decision.

[shredneck-archive]

I briefly mentioned getting top surgery earlier last week but didn't go into detail.

(Some NSFW mentions under the cut, but nothing too graphic.)

I didn't understand a lot of the hype that came with this surgery before I got it. I mean, I got it, but I didn't get it. My chest was small enough that I could pass regularly in a sports bra but not enough that I could just go out in any article of clothing I wanted, which was only really a problem if someone teased me for wearing all black all the time (I'm goth whether I have tits or not, so this is likely not a fashion decision that's going to change.) If anything I mostly just saw them as a nuisance, and mostly wanted surgery for the "convenience" .

But now? Holy hell. So many doors have opened for me since I've gotten this surgery, I didn't realize how bad my dysphoria was until the source of it was gone, never to be seen again. I should be the freaking poster boy for why medical intervention in trans people's lives are absolutely necessary and do more good than harm. I 100% understand how and why people get these surgeries and immediately enter the "stud / vixen / general party goer larger than life" phases of their lives and even go so far as to never touch social media again.

It pains me to even look at these images, let alone post them on a social media platform, but it feels necessary to emphasize how bad this actually was. The left is me after getting my first haircut in 2013 and the right was me about a week before visiting a friend in Canada in 2018, both before I had even considered thinking about hormone therapy, both way before I had even properly started identifying as a dude. Notice the weird posture baggy clothing and grimaces )not smiles, not smirks, grimaces) at the realization that I was being visually documented and likely to have my appearance posted up online at some point. I struggled a lot in social situations back then and hated even looking in the mirror most days. How no one saw through my shitty little ruse is beyond me.

Here's me in the modern day, the photo on the left from 2 days ago and the one on the right from last night. I'm already getting over my "transgender slouch" habit, form fitting clothes and bright colors are no longer my enemy, I've been having to restrain myself from buying a bunch of clothes on the internet and upping my wardrobe immediately. I don't have to wear a million layers in the Summer to save face, it feels a lot less disorienting to look in the mirror, and I don't feel like I'm shouldering some sort of awful lie or letting a terrible LARP campaign go on for too long whenever strangers correctly gender me in public. I'm already noticing myself initiating and prolonging conversations with people way more than I used to. I can apply for any job, anywhere, and never have to worry about anyone even have a sneaking suspicion about a life I was living before this one (I already don't, I've been stealth in my professional life for about a year straight with no sign of suspicion at any turn, but still.)

I used to worry about my appearance constantly, to the point it felt like a prison. Now with a body I actually like, it's a lot more fun. It's self care to the highest degree. All I'm thinking about lately is piercings and tattoos I'm going to get and how many more shows and parties I'm going to frequent now that I don't have to worry about getting clocked 24/7 and I have one less thing to worry about when lying with a woman. I'm excited to go so long without having breasts that when a woman with them strips down in front of me my eyes can light up like a kid in a candy store at the sight of something so special and unfamiliar, and letting future girlfriends cuddle and nap peacefully on a smooth flat chest. I can wear any Halloween costume I want for the rest of my life (looking forward to being a sexy fireman every year as soon as I hit 30) and go as crazy as I want at any party. It's also just plain convenient not to have to throw on a shirt any time I leave my room (or when i leave the house, depending on the time of day. Lol.)

I've still got quite a bit of healing to do (just got my bandages off about a week ago, at my time of writing this I'm only about 19 days post op), I still haven't experienced my fantasies of shirtless runs at night or swimming in nothing but a pair of trunks for the first time, I want to get back to working out consistently and beef up these new pecs of mine, I'm looking forward to going home and having a body that looks less similar to my mother's and more similar to my brothers', retaking family photos in outfits that don't make me feel like tearing off my skin, and I would still really like phalloplasty to cure my bottom dysphoria, which in itself is about 5 more surgeries and a lot of time and effort. But at least I'm significantly less stressed now that 1 of 2 major sources of dysphoria are cured for me. After I get bottom surgery I'm probably going to be thrice as crazy, I'm already thinking about whether or not frenum piercings would be a feasible option on a post op dick with urethra lengthening, lol.

For the time being, though, I'm just enjoying life as I feel it was really meant to be. :)