#but it feels weird to look back and feel more of a sense of pride/accomplishment for pieces from 5-10 years ago than now

[birb-reblogs]

Been looking through old art and it's hard for me to not feel kinda sad/wistful. I think I've improved in some ways, but when I compare the level of polish and just the drive I had back then to execute projects the contrast is kinda crazy. I've never been fast but I was so motivated.

I lined things p regularly, most of my pieces had full BGs and shading. I think a lot of my compositions were more adventurous, esp wrt paneling- I poured a lot of time into comics. Like what was I ON, HOW DID I DO THAT

[wirewitchviolet]

I miss games conveying a sense of Bigness

As you know if you watch my twitch streams, I play a lot of games, and games from a lot of eras, and there's a whole bunch of industry trends you pick up on from certain time periods. The one I really feel like talking about was a definite thing from oh... 1998 through... 2010 or thereabouts? Basically the aughts, give or take a couple years. Or if you prefer, the first two Playstations' run and a bit of the third. It was a period where games in general were really committed to feeling Big.

It feels a little weird to say that when major releases are priding themselves on stuff like measuring how much disk space they need in terrabytes and maps that sprawl out everywhere, but that's not what I'm talking about here. Games trying to feel Big is more of an attitude thing, and ironically enough I'd say it fell out of fashion almost immediately when Open Worlds became the new big thing. We hit a point where people actually made the maps for their games super big (even if most of that space was just kinda vast stretches of unremarkable rocks) so there's no more need to fake it, right? But faking it was kinda great.

I was thinking about this a lot playing the Resident Evil 2 remake, and comparing it to the original PSX game. See the original Resident Evil was set in a spooky mansion out in the middle of nowhere, but RE2 was the Bigger Better Sequel. So now we have a zombie outbreak happening in a whole major city, not just this single mansion. And how do we accomplish that? Do we actually model hundreds of buildings and have a big meandering adventure through all of them, or even a good swath? No not at all. Let's compare the actual maps side by side...

[There WAS a full map of RE2 here it was causing the post button to bug out. Look it up on your own?]

It's a little bigger. There's maybe a dozen more total rooms? But mostly, it's a smoke and mirrors thing. We've still got one big primary location, an animal-filled hike to a side location and back, and an underground science facility, but it feels like we've increased the scope to an entire city. The first playable moments have us out on the streets of the city, objectively in a few quick hallways, but presented as streets packed with dozens of crashed cars, raging fires everywhere, dead bodies littering the streets, and what again feels like innumerable zombies feasting in scattered packs. Once inside, arms of several zombies outside will reach in clawing at you, or later in the game finally breaching through. The remake completely loses that feeling. It feels like there's maybe a dozen zombies out on the streets.

Not to focus on just the one game though. How about GTA3? Remember how even when you're just on the first island, it feels like you're exploring this vast sprawling city?

Here's a more elevated angle from about the same point. I'm looking at this with noclip.website by the way, it's a really cool little toy.

The actual map is LAUGHABLY small. But it FEELS huge. They were really careful to avoid straight roads, and place a couple big vision blocking buildings, even if they're basically just a cube or two so that when you're actually on the ground, it always feels like there's so much more around you. Have another side by side, and a rough estimate of what's visible on the ground in the bird's eye.

RPGs around this time were also having a lot of fun playing with scale comparisons. FF7 is the obvious go-to. The world map is on par with any other in the series, but Big Cities are presented as such, making it very clear that you're just seeing parts of a single district in Midgar, really just the main street in Junon. Dragon Quest 8 had this very bold idea to keep the same visual scale on the world map as in the streets of the towns, with forests made of actual individual trees.

And I'm not even getting into the biggest elephants in the room. Are you old enough to remember how mind-bogglingly sprawling Hyrule Field felt? Maybe a bad example when sequels have kept that focus on selling their worlds as staggeringly Big. Shenmue? Objectively, looking at this map, there's not much there, but damn if I don't feel like this was a real town I lived in for a while 20 years ago. It's the way the detailing gets finer and finer the closer you get to Ryo's bedroom, where you can open every drawer, turn on every light, turn that orange in your hand, you know? I believe that bus you take to the docks has to stop in several other neighborhoods like this one.

And of course, then there's the one other series, maybe worth mentioning, perhaps.

Years later I'm still just speechless.

Again though, I don't actually WANT games with worlds as big as some of these feel. There just isn't the time and the money and the ability for a creative team not to burn out to fully realize that in a handcrafted caring way. I want some kind of inverted Plato's Cave, where it feels like there's a vast breathing world out there, but I'm really in a small cozy space watching masters of the craft put on a shadow puppet show.

[eliciana]

Reverse SAGAU: The Weird Door At My Café

-> Chapter 1(Here)| Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | ...

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Hello everyone, pls don't expect much from this chapter,which is going to be part of a series, will be that good. I may have grammatical errors and wrong spellings so please don't hesitate to tell me in the comments about it. English is not my main language. Also, I write some very descriptive and long scenes about what the reader does because i got used to writing descriptive essays so please bear with the long paragraphs and sentences. Thank you.

And yes, I'm back. Also the Misunderstanding series will be updated after my exams this is just in my drafts and I wanted to just upload it.

-Eli

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Tw: Reverse!Isekai!Sagau, Normal Au, Café Au, a bit of cussing like this bit 🤏.

Reader: Gn!Reader, Adult!Reader, Café Owner!Reader

Characters: Reader

Note: Restaurant to Another World animanga inspired au. You can slide into my dms (😝 im joking bro) if you ever want to be tagged in my works just tell me what series you want to be tagged in or all of them. thank you <3.

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You close your eyes and think back to that very fateful day — the day that entirely altered your life's course and shatter any semblance of normalcy you once knew. The memory is etched in your mind, clear and vivid. The secret your café had.

You had always dreamed of owning your very own café when you get older. It had always consumed your thoughts and fueled your ambitions. Doing everything you can to be able to make your dream come true. It was a dream that guided you through your highs and lows, the setbacks and triumphs, and now, your very own cafe is now right infront of your eyes. You stand awe, gazing upon your newly built dream café that represents your years of hard work and dedication. It almost feels surreal. The weight of such an accomplishment settles in your shoulders, filling with a sense of pride that it threatens to burst out of your chest.

The obstacles and challenges you faced along the way have not gone unnoticed. The countless hours of planning, the sacrifices made, the hurdles overcome—each scar and battle wound a testament to your unwavering determination. They have shaped you into the person you are today, a person who is standing on the precipice of their own extraordinary creation. In this moment, you can't help but reflect on how far you have come. You just want to curl up into a ball and cry for how proud you are for yourself.

As you approach the door to your café, your hand trembles with anticipation. You grasp the smooth handle, feeling the coolness of the metal against your palm, and slowly turn it. The door swung open, emitting a soft creak that pierced the silence. Above it, a small, quaint bell dangled delicately, waiting to be disturbed. The cascade of delicate notes wove together seamlessly, announcing your presence, like a whispered greeting to anyone who would listen.

You stare in awe and wonder at the interior design of your cafe , captivated by it's beauty. The space exceeds your imagination and sketches, each detail meticulously brought to life. You explore every corner, your eyes eager to take in every detail. The plants you selected with great care breathe life into the space, their vibrant green leaves adding a touch of freshness and enhancing the cozy, warm aura you envisioned. Sunlight steams through the windows, casting a golden glow that illuminates upon your carefully handpicked furniture, adding a touch of charm. Every detail, from the placement of tables and chairs to the color palette and textures and to the shelf placed at the wall behind the counter with small sized standees of genshin impact, comes together harmoniously, painting a reality that is more beautiful than it was in your imagination.

You took one last look at your own café, only to catch sight of a door that had seemingly materialized out of thin air. It wasn't in your sketches, nor was it part of the layout you had memorized. How could something so out of place suddenly appear in your beloved café? How weird. You were sure that when you went inside this café it was never there. It was on the opposite side of the front entrance door of your café. It had a very different kind of design from the doors you had. How weird . Were you perhaps hallucinating? Was your stress and sleep deprivation finally getting to you? You resort to pinching and slapping your cheeks in an attempt to jolt yourself back to reality. Nope. You can still see it. You rushed to go outside of your café. As you step out into the open, your eyes scanning the exterior, you're met with a surprising revelation—the door you saw inside your café is nowhere to be found. It's as if it had vanished into thin air, leaving you bewildered and questioning your senses.

Nonetheless, you breathed a heavy sigh of relief and once again went inside of your café, blaming your hallucination to your stress. However, as your eyes scanned the interior again, you saw the door still there.

'Oh, hell no.' You thought and quickly opened the front door again, took a look at the exterior, look at the door inside, and continued doing that action for a minute. Yup, you're officialy hallucinating.

You looked at the strange door and felt a nagging feeling of curiousity wanting to try and open that door. Maybe it was actually a big ass sticker that one of the builders placed as a prank. You never know. Steeling yourself, you went closer to the door on your tippy toes. Carefully trying to be quiet. Why? You don't know. You just knew you had to. Maybe it was an instinct of yours. You were now infront of the door and you tried reaching for the door knob still thinking it was a sticker but the coolness feeling in your hands said uno reverse. You abruptly took back your hand in shock. You stared down at the atrocity in front of you. You quickly raised your foot and took off your shoes/heel/slipper and held onto it tightly. Preparing yourself to open the door, you took in a deep breath and reached for the door knob once more. Twisting it open, a ray of sunlight shone through the small crack as you pushed the door open gently.

Your eyes widen at the sight infront of you as you had fully opened the door. The grip your hand had on your lethal weapon widened and it slipped from your hands. The sight infront of you was so surreal. 'This can't be true, right?' your head was going to so many places, unable to comprehend what was going on. You felt kinda dizzy.

You would be a fool not to recognize this place that you had seen so many times throughout your life. A few kilometers infront of you was the City of Mondstadt in view. You could even see the knights guarding the gate and Timmie with his pigeons at the bridge.

The weird door from your cafe was actually a door to the Genshin Impact world. Wow... wtf.

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also pls take a look at my poorly drawn drawing of what your view looks like cause for the love of god I can't seem to explain it:

Also you're in a cliff or something. so yeah

Taglist:

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[temis-de-leon]

Day 20 - Kiss on the hand

Characters: Satan x gn!MC

25 kisses challenge Masterlist

Main Masterlist

CW: emotional intelligence chases Satan, but he's way too fast. Sudden and kind of inappropriate discussion of marriage, established relationship, Satan implied to be taller

A/N: I think this is ooc, but my brain decided to ✨stop✨, so here it is. I still like it, tho

.

“Is everything okay?”

“Hm?”

MC usually liked when Satan fixed his eyes on them. His stare almost had an academic feeling to it, like he was actually observing and trying to answer questions only he knew, but MC never found themselves being scrutinized. He still looked at them with care and fascination and the glint his eyes wore whenever they shared a moment of comfortable silence reminded them of the human sea and the sunrays bouncing on the water surface.

It was a feeling of being home that only he could bring and MC was far too happy indulging in it.

But this time was different.

He was blushing, distracted by a thought in his mind that, judging by his face, was a rather embarrassing one. He mumbled, shook his head and blushed even more. Was he… arguing with himself?

They had to admit, Satan had been acting strange the whole night. Keeping them close, but not engaging in conversation, holding their chin and staring at their lips, but not kissing them. Showing off their relationship before his peers, flaunting MC’s accomplishments with pride without looking at them.

It wasn’t anger, no, Mc would’ve known had that been the case.

Satan was embarrassed about something. Something involving them.

But what?

“What do you mean?” he asked, interrupting their thoughts.

A horrible liar, he was, cheeks tainted in a deep red and voice strained.

“You haven’t looked at me for hours and now you can’t stop staring”

“Why, can’t I appreciate my partner’s beauty?”

A faint flash of aggravation crossed his features and MC was quick to smile and cup his face.

“Something’s been on your mind” they said gently, enjoying the softness of his skin “What is it?”

The song suddenly changed to an ever slower one and he made sure to discretely move them to the farthest corner of the venue. The bride and the groom, both friends of Satan, walked to the centre of the dancefloor amongst cheers and applauses, the very few lights of the room soon focusing on the newlywed couple and leaving the guests surrounded by darkness. Even though it was a warm summer night, MC hugged Satan’s waist and swayed to the music, smiling when he brought them closer and rested his cheek on their head.

“So?”

MC felt him sigh against their chest.

“Yeah, yeah, I haven’t forgot. It’s just… them”

He slightly turned his face, probably looking at his friends, and MC felt their heart give a violent jump. What was he actually talking about?

“Relax, MC” he said when he senses their tensed body, but that didn’t calm their nerves. Their fingers were tingling, cold sweat running down their back and the uneasiness making them tremble.

Please, please, tell them Satan wasn’t going to propose to them during his friends’ wedding.

“I hope your reaction doesn’t mean you reject the idea of marrying me”

They moved away just enough to be able to look at each other, his breath still reaching them. It had a faint smell of alcohol and MC deeply hoped his words weren’t being fuelled by the influence, though he’d been acting weird since the beginning of the night, before they started drinking.

His apprehensive gaze reminded them he had implied a very important question.

“This is the first time you’ve even mentioned marriage” they said, immediately clarifying themselves to not give the wrong impression “Not that I’m saying no, but this is… this is something!”

Despite talking in whispers, the sincerity and borderline ridiculousness of the conversation brought the attention of a couple of guests. Thankfully, it wasn’t enough to catch the wedding party’s eye, but MC still looked at their boyfriend in panic.

“Yes, I agree, this isn’t the best moment, but I couldn’t get it out of my head”

The seriousness in his voice dried MC’s mouth. They wanted to be mad at him for bringing up such a serious topic in the worst possible scenario, but a part of them jumped in joy at the prospect of being with him forever. Of an official paper signed by Lord Diavolo making it clear to the rest of the world.

“Forgive me, MC, I shouldn’t have talked about it here and now”

He sighed once more, lifting their hand to his lips and kissing the back softly. His eyes stopped at their ring finger for a brief moment and MC’s breath hitched once more.

They didn’t talk much more for the rest of the party, too tired from all the dancing and the socializing and the discussing about potentially spending the rest of their lives together.

But they held each other and they kissed each other and, once they finally got home, they sat down on his bed and talked, not stopping until both of their faces hurt from smiling.

.

.

Taglist: @ourfinalisation  @owlisbuffering  @chizukimp4  @ravenredwine @darkflowerav  @craftysclown @mehkers

[sun-theo]

RIVALS PROJECT

pairing: theo (choi taeyang) x fem!reader synopsis: Choi Taeyang and you had been adversaries for a long time. Whenever you saw him, your relationship would result in fights and confrontations. One day, you both had a project to work on, and your dislike for him had to be put aside for the project's sake. However, you both began to see each other in a different light. This journey together was one that both of you wouldn't forget. genre: fluff, enemies to lovers trope, suggestive warning: kys jokes, kisses (lmk if i missed something!)

wc: 5.1k words

Taeyang and you were seated together in class when the teacher announced the pairing, for a project. The two of you knew of each other's strong dislike, and neither was pleased with the situation. At least that's what you thought.

He immediately turned to look at you, who sat next to him. He saw you rolled your eyes as you knew you would be stuck with him for the assignment. Taeyang sighed and said, "Well, I don't really know what else I expected. Let's just get this over with."

You didn't respond and simply shook your head in annoyance. So, you and him sat side by side at the library table to work on the project.

You rolled your eyes and replied, "Fine. Let's just get this project over with." With that, you and Taeyang started working on the project, despite occasionally getting into arguments about small things.

The arguments between you and him were usually over the project and related topics. At times, you even had to take a pause or a break from it, to settle your nerves after arguing with him.

You looked over his shoulder, and immediately spotted a color you didn't particularly like. "I don't like that color for this part. Pick a better one."

"This matches the theme of the project, why should we use a different color?" He remained unbothered by your statements.

You replied stubbornly. "It looks weird, trust me. Use something else."

"No, I'm happy with this one."  Taeyang stayed calm and tried to reason with you.

You were rather irritated by his stubborn response, but figured that there was no point in pushing the matter further. With a slight roll of your eyes, you turned back towards the project and finally made a comment. "Why did it have to be the two of us working on this project?"

Taeyang remained silent, before teasingly replying, "I don't know. Are you sure it's not your bad luck that got us together here?" With a smirk, he also added, "Well, now that you mention it, it might actually be me who's unlucky."

You rolled your eyes again, but simply you replied, "Whatever. Let's just finish this. We want a good grade, so no point in fighting."

He just laughed at you and was secretly enjoying the back-and-forth arguing, because it made you seem all the more cute and lovable to him when you were frustrated.

He had always thought you were pretty, but something about your demeanor when you were working on the project was even more adorable than before. But, he decided to maintain his "tough, uncaring" persona for now, just to see how far the argument would go.

Taeyang and you then proceeded to work on the project, according to your way, as he had agreed to let you go ahead with your plan. After working together on the project, you showed him the final result, for his approval, before handing it in. He did his best to review and fix any mistakes or inconsistencies, in order to ensure your good grades because he knew you're going to kill him if he isn't doing his best.

It came as a surprise that Taeyang and you made quite a bit of progress so quickly. Upon finishing the project, the two of you looked at each other, feeling a sense of pride in your accomplishments. You was quite impressed with yourself, for keeping your emotions in check despite his constant teasing.

After a moment, Taeyang eventually got up and you watched him as he prepared to leave, but before he could walk out the door, he uttered a request that completely shocked you.

"Come on. I'll walk you home." Taeyang said, in a surprisingly sincere tone. You was caught completely off guard.

You had no idea he would even suggest this at all. You just stood there, blinking in confusion. "Wait, really? Why would you do that for me?" You asked, utterly shocked.

"It's a long walk home. And I just want to make sure that you get there safely." Taeyang explained, in a soft and sincere tone. 

You couldn't help but look at him in disbelief, unsure of what to say or think in response to his kind gesture. "Taeyang, I can take care of myself. I don't need you to walk me all the way home-"

"Just look at what time it is. It's dark, and who knows what could happen out there." He said it calmly but sounding genuinely concerned, and a little frustrated. "Just come on, let me walk you home," he added.

You felt a pang of guilt, and sighed. "You know what? Fine. You can walk me home. But, only because I don't want to argue right now."

With this, you started to gather your stuff, not really sure if this was just another one of Taeyang's tricks or a genuine offer but he looks so genuine tho so you can't really say no to him.

"Great. Let's get going." He said, as he opened the door, and began walking outside. He then waited for you to follow him. As both of you were walking, you kept thinking that Taeyang was acting strange.

He was acting different than usual.

You couldn't put your finger on it, but it was just a feeling you had.

All the way home, you realize Taeyang really stayed beside you, careful not to walk too far from your side. He was aware of the dangers that lurk in the shadows, especially at night. He wanted to make sure that you were safe, he couldn't even help but smile at the thought of how quickly you had accepted his offer to walk you home. It was nice seeing you this comfortable around him, even after all their disagreements.

But when you were approaching the crosswalk, you notice Taeyang suddenly stopped in his tracks. You looked back to see what was wrong, but he had already started back to the cross walk. You called after him, "Hey, where are you going? The light's green."

Taeyang didn't respond, so you ran to catch up with him. When you got there you saw that he had stopped to pick up a stray kitten to a safest place that less crowded.

Taeyang was looking at the kitten, admiring its soft fur and big eyes. You were surprised to see this side of him, because all of the years that you had known him, he never showed any interest in anything but arguing and teasing you all the time. You watched as he talked to the kitten and gently petted it, and you couldn't help but crack a small smile. Taeyang didn't notice you standing there and continued to fawn over the animal.

You soon began to realize that Taeyang, may not have been acting weird at all. He was just being genuinely nice. You had been so used to him being your rival, that you forgot now you were working together. You couldn't believe either that Taeyang, was actually treating you nicely to walks you home.

In a way, it was kind of... sweet.

You couldn't help but kept watching him for a moment, but then you heard the sound of honking down the street. You turned to see that the traffic light had been green for you to cross for some time now.

So you called out to him, "Hey, we should get going. The traffic light's been green."

Taeyang looked at you, and was about to say something back. Then he looked at the traffic around them and saw that you were right. So, he said good bye to the kitten and started to move to cross the street with you.

After safely making it across, Taeyang began to walk slightly in front of you. He slowed his steps so that he was not walking too far ahead and continued to look back every now and then to checking up the kitten if it was still there. Every time he looked back, you noticed that he had a small smile on his face, which only continued to make you smile as well but you didn't say anything about that.

Taeyang suddenly started walking backwards, blocking your way. You dropped your smile so fast —don't want to get caught and looked at him confused, "Why are you walking backwards?"

"I think you know why. You keep smiling while looking at me. So I want to see it clearly." You shocked for a while because he noticed, but you keep your face straight and answer with fierce gaze, "There's something wrong with your eyes."

Taeyang started to chuckle softly. "Well, since I walked you home, I feel like you owe me something now," he said, with a playful tone in his voice.

You narrowed your eyes. "Oh please, Taeyang, like I'd ever owe you anything." Your response was quick and sassy, as you wanted to make it clear that you weren't amused by that.

"Oh, you will." He then reached out and gently took your hand as he slipped it through his arm and said, "Come on, let's go. I think you still need to pay me back for walking you home."

You didn't want to admit it, but Taeyang walking you home and now having his hand in yours felt kind of nice. You didn't pull away, instead you rolled your eyes and said, "Fine. What do I owe you now then?"

As you and him walked getting closer to your apartment building, he shifted his gaze downward to you and casually asked. "How about you invite me up to your place for a cup of coffee?"

He thought it would be funny to see you get all worked up and start arguing again, but instead, you just nod. "Hmm, yeah sure. It's not like I don't have an extra bag of coffee in my room."

Taeyang raised an eyebrow, as he was caught off guard by your quick acceptance of his invitation. It showed in his eyes, though he worked to hide his surprise. Remained calm and nonchalant. After a few moments of silence, Taeyang let out a light chuckles, and simply blurted out. "Wow, that worked better than I thought it would."

You looked up at him with a slight look of confusion, "What did you think would happen?"

Taeyang paused for a moment, considering his response before answering, "I just expected you to start yelling at me."

"Fair enough."

You weren't sure what else to say to that, as you had also been rather surprised by how smoothly things had worked out. You wondered if maybe Taeyang wasn't actually as annoying as you had thought, and was actually quite charming.

Upon reaching the apartment building, Taeyang turned and opened the door, allowing you to pass through. You looked back at him and softly said, "Thanks."

His response was a simple nod, along with the comment, "Like I'm going to let you open the door yourself."

You laughed at his response, and sarcastically replied, "Yes, obviously. Because you're always the gentle man." Taeyang chuckled at you and replied, "Well, you're one to talk."

Taeyang stepped in after you and closed the door. He looked at you, as you was heading towards the elevator, and casually commented, "Right, about that cup of coffee."

You stopped and turned towards him, while saying. "Well, you seem really insistant on coming to my place."

Taeyang raised an eyebrow, "Shouldn't I say that? Don't get too excited, it's just coffee." As a response, YN chuckled and stated, "You wish I was excited."

"Oh yeah? Just wait and see." Then he turned and began to walk toward the elevator and you followed him. Once the elevator arrived, you pushed the button and the doors closed.

You heaved a small sigh, feeling somewhat anxious about the upcoming situation. "This is probably gonna be really awkward." Taeyang, however, immediately turned towards you. "Don't worry, I'm sure I can make it even worse." in a light and playful demeanor.

As the two of you stepped into the elevator, a sense of awkwardness started to settle in. He seemed to be enjoying this though, because he kept giving you small smiles and even laugh at your discomfort.

Eventually, the doors opened and you sighed again. "Okay, well, here we are I guess."

You and Taeyang walked down the hall towards your apartment door, where you let Taeyang in first. After following him inside, you quickly closed the door behind you, and watched as Taeyang looked around momentarily, taking in the small space. After a few moments, he turned and looked back at you.

You returned his gaze, feeling slightly flustered. Meanwhile Taeyang seemed to be enjoying your nervousness as he taunted you with a sly grin, simply asking, "Something wrong? Nervous to have me in your place?"

You wanted to say something sarcastic in return, but Taeyang's smirk and presence was throwing you off. You just scoffed and said, "Whatever. I'm not nervous."

Then walked to the coffee maker and started to brew a cup for each of you. Taeyang just stood by in silence, watching you. So you turned back to him at one point and said, "What? You've never seen someone make coffee before?"

He chuckles at your reaction and answer softly, "Never seen someone as beautiful make coffee before."

You found yourself extremely frustrated by Taeyang's constant sweet talk, and didn't understand why he kept throwing in those little flirts here and there. In an attempt to ignore his behavior, you turned your back on him, and started to make a cup of coffee. However, he suddenly came up behind you, and before you had realized, he had already taken over and said. "I'll handle the coffee. Just sit down."

You looked up at him in confusion, wondering what his sudden change of heart was for. As you tried to read his thoughts, Taeyang simply smiled and instructed, "Sit." You couldn't help but chuckle a little at his playful way of ordering you around.

Taeyang grabbed some coffee mugs and poured the coffee into them, before handing one to you and sitting in the chair across from you. The two of you silently drank your coffee in comfortable silence, until Taeyang decided to break it. "So, did you ever think it would come to this?" he asked, clearly referring to the two of you sitting together and enjoying a peaceful moment. You had to admit that it was a little unexpected, considering their interactions earlier.

You took another sip of your coffee, before answering Taeyang's question in a quiet tone. "Did I ever think we'd be sitting in my place, having a casual conversation?"

Taeyang couldn't help but let out a light laugh at your answer, "Yeah, I guess we've come a long way from yelling at each other in class everyday."

"Yes, well, I suppose so," you responded with a small nod, as the two of you continued to sit in companionable silence, each sipping your respective cups of hot coffee.

There were silent again for a moment before you asked him, "Why exactly did you always argue with me? What was your reason?"

Your sudden question made Taeyang thought for a moment. He let out a breath. "I guess it's because I just enjoyed our banter. Or maybe, I just wanted an excuse to talk to you."

You raised your eyebrows, impressed by Taeyang's honest response. This was completely different from his usual cocky and teasing demeanor.

"I don't think you had a very nice way of trying to talk to me."

Taeyang smirked as he replied teasingly, "Well, it worked." 

He gave you a look, suggesting that he had been right all along. Even though he still enjoyed being a little flirty and teasing, he also recognized that having a real conversation with you wasn't so bad.

He took another sip of his coffee before asking, "So, how long are you planning to keep me here?"

"Well, I'm not planning on keeping you against your will. You were the one that asked to come up for coffee in the first place."

Taeyang just chuckled while straightened up his back, "Right. Well, I guess I'm just enjoying your company too much to leave."

"Flatterer," you exclaimed with a slight roll of your eyes, as Taeyang kept up his usual behavior. He laughed at your reaction, as he found your annoyed expression amusing.

"You know you could just ask for another cup. You don't have to be so dramatic about it."

He smirked once again, clearly enjoying your reaction to his flirtatious words. "What can I say? I've never been able to resist getting a reaction out of you."

You remained a bit speechless, not quite knowing how to respond. Instead, you just sighed and shook your head. Suddenly Taeyang got up, set his empty coffee cup in the sink, his gaze suddenly descended to your face, as he noticed a strand of your hair that kept falling in front of your eyes. He then walked up to you who were sitting at the desk.

When you looked up at him, he gently tucked the strand of hair behind your ear. His hands lingered there for a brief moment, as you couldn't help but felt a little flustered at his action, but still managed to meet Taeyang's gaze with an incredulous look.

He returned your gaze, but this time with a tender and genuine smile. "You have a piece of hair that keeps falling in your face, so I wanted to tuck it back for you." He whispered softly.

You felt yourself flush with embarrassment, when Taeyang mentioned the stray piece of hair. However, you were also charmed by his action. So you didn't say anything and looked away, feeling somewhat shy.

Taeyang didn't say anything either, but tucked his hands in his pockets. You, however, still felt a little awkwardness. So, in a playful and sarcastic tone, you finally broke the silence, "So, did you just come up here to flirt with me?"

Taeyang couldn't help but break out into a little chuckle when you made your sarcastic comment. "Well," he began, still smiling. "I did want to make up for all those times I argued with you." He paused for a moment, then smiled again, and added, "But, I guess I can't deny that flirting with you was part of my motive as well." His words were playful and teasing, but he said it with a light and charming tone, making it seem like a compliment rather than a taunt.

You tried to hide your feelings by making a scrunched-up face, as you stood up and said, "Well, now that you've made it up to me, you can go now."

Taeyang was unfazed and simply laughed. "Come on, don't deny it. You enjoyed our time together," he said confidently.

You had difficulty disagreeing and just looked away with a slight blush. While you didn't enjoy the way he always argued and teased you, you couldn't deny that you didn't completely dislike his company.

"Whatever. I'm gonna head off to bed. You really should leave."

Taeyang looked down at his watch again and said, "Oh, I think I'm too tired to walk back now."

"Of course you'd be too tired. Now how am I gonna get you out of my place?"

"I dunno. Maybe I'll just stay the night here and see you in the morning."

You started questioning Taeyang's sudden change in behavior. You wondered if there was a deeper and more nefarious motive behind his actions. However, you didn't want to give in easily and tried to get rid of him. You couldn't deny that having him in your home was a bit overwhelming, and you didn't want to let your guard down just yet.

"You can't do that." You narrowed your eyes and look at him in disbelief.

Taeyang just shrugged and acted like it's not a big deal. "Too late. I'm already here. What are you gonna do about it?"

"How about you figure that out yourself?"

"Well, why don't you try and kick me out? See how that works for you." With this, he made it clear that he wasn't going to leave anytime soon.

You tried to come up with your next move, but Taeyang interrupted your thoughts by speaking. "Y/n, you really don't get it?" he asked in a teasing tone. "I just needed an excuse to spend some time alone with you,"

Your face heated up and your heart fluttered, at his sudden confession and you didn't know how to react. Just before you could turn away, Taeyang caught a glimpse of your blush. "I see that," he said playfully. You remained silent, feeling your heart pounding in your chest. Taeyang chuckled softly and continued, "You like spending time with me too, don't you?" With this comment, Taeyang made his intentions very clear, leaving no doubt for your response.

You were trying so much to not make your voice sound shaky, because it started tou make you feel nervous than ever. "Whatever." You said.

"I didn't expect you to admit it." He took a step closer to you, still keeping his hands in his pockets. He lowered his voice and said, "So, I guess you don't mind if I stay the night then."

"You know what? I change my mind," you finally spoke, with some conviction in your voice.

"Change your mind about what?"

"Kicking you out," you said firmly.

He remained unfazed, as he seemed to play dumb. "Ah, well, what changed your mind?"

He chuckled once again, and you stayed silent. Then, Taeyang slid his hand out of his pocket and let his thumb gently touch your top lip. He lowered his voice and said, "I know you wanted me to stay."

The touching, the lowered voice, everything about this moment was too dreamy and surreal. You wanted to deny it, but deep inside, you had to admit that yes, you wanted him to stay.

You struggled to maintain your composure as Taeyang stood so close to you and spoke quietly, in that deep tone. You didn't want to acknowledge it, but his proximity, and his soft sweet touches were making your heart pound in your chest, and stirring new feelings within you.

Taeyang was amused by your reactions, and decided to utilize them to his advantage. He leaned in even closer, until your chests were almost touching. "You know what else I know?" he asked, his voice even softer and sweeter.

"What else?" you answered softly, feeling yourself lean towards him involuntarily. Your heart was beating quickly, as you waited for his answer.

Taeyang took a moment to look at you, and then whispered, "I know you want me to kiss you right now." You felt a rush of emotions, including surprise, embarrassment, and even a little bit of excitement. As your cheeks burned, you looked away from Taeyang, and didn't reply.

His thumb brushed against your cheek, as he said, "You see? I don't need a verbal response. I can tell just from looking at your face."

You felt out of your depth in this situation, growing more and more anxious every second. You could only respond with a weak voice. "I don't know what to do right now," feeling overwhelmed by Taeyang's teasing and your new feelings for him.

Taeyang seemed to enjoy your panic, as he let out a small and evil chuckle. "Well, it sounds to me like you're saying 'Please kiss me,'" he taunted, his words sounding sweet, yet intimidating. 

He drew closer to you, and his gentle hands wrapped around your waist. Then, he slowly leaned his head down, until his lips were closer to yours. Your heart raced crazily and your breath was quickened, but you didn't want to back out. You wanted to feel his lips against yours, and you were willing to take this leap of faith.

Taeyang was enjoying your reactions so much and took his sweet time getting close to your lips before gently pressing his lips against yours.

As your lips met his, you felt his arms pull you closer. Your heart raced even faster, as your breath became quickened and your body relaxed into an unfamiliar calm. His kisses were light, gentle and soft, but they felt as though they held an eternity of meaning and feeling. You had never experienced something like this, and were overwhelmed with the feelings running through your mind and body. But, amidst the frenzy, you couldn't help but close your eyes, and enjoy what felt like the sweetest kiss in the world.

When he released you from his lips, you opened your eyes and found yourself breathing heavily, still trying to come to grips with your feelings. Taeyang saw your expression and smirked, before leaning in and kissing you again.

This time, his kiss was more passionate and for a longer time. Your face was flushed and your heartbeat was thumping in your chest. Before you could react, you found yourself wrapping your arms around his neck and returning his kiss, trying to lose yourself in this moment. Your face was burning in both embarrassment and passion, as you realized just how intense your actions had become. But your heart was beating rapidly and you knew this moment was too good to back out now.

Taeyang seemed to know this as well, and he continued to kiss you deeply and passionately, his hands squeezing your back. You knew this was going very fast, but you didn't want to think about the consequences. You wanted to lose yourself in love, and Taeyang made you feel that way.

Taeyang pulled away from the kiss and he was breathless. He leaned his head down and put his forehead against yours while he still had his hands around your waist. You were stunned by the kiss and blushing harder than you ever had before. You were trying to calm down, but Taeyang's soft breathing and the feeling of his body against you was making you feel even more flustered.

And so, he finally pulled away to the sound of your soft exhale. Your eyes were burning with passion, as Taeyang's breath against your lips was sending shivers down your spine.

He leaned his head down and touched foreheads with yours, holding you in his embrace. The feeling of his smooth breathing and close proximity made it hard to calm your own breath. He was making you feel so many different things at once, that it was easy to lose yourself in this moment.

Taeyang was trying to calm down too, but he couldn't help glancing at you now and then to see your reaction. You kept your eyes closed and put your head down on Taeyang's chest and tried to slow your breathing. You didn't want to open your eyes and have to look at him anymore, knowing he could see your flustered expression.

In this position, you could hear Taeyang's heart beating in his chest, and your own heart seemed to match that tempo. His arms wrapped around you, and you felt his warmth. After a moment, you heard Taeyang's voice, "You know what I like most about this moment?" He remained close, his body still pressed against yours, and in the comfort of his hold, you could finally catch a breath.

Feeling at ease, you whispered, "What is it you like?"

Taeyang softly caressed your hair, a peaceful expression on his face. He spoke softly to you, "I like that, even though we spent so long arguing, we end up doing this. And honestly, I'd rather be doing this than arguing with you."

You remained silent in his embrace, your face still burning with embarrassment and you didn't have words at the moment to adequately express how you felt.

You felt his gentle hand on your hair and the comfort of his embrace, as you processed all that he had just said. And deep down, you agreed.

Taeyang then squeezed you a little and said, "You feel so nice and warm against my chest." You still didn't say anything and he just kept holding you for a moment before he finally said again, "Do you think you can open your eyes now?"

Slowly, your eyelids opened, and you found Taeyang looking at you with a kind and relaxed expression. The mischief and smug tone in his voice were gone, replaced by this gentle look that gave you a glimpse of Taeyang's softer side. Sitting up, you stretched before you spoke, "Well, that was...something."

In that moment, you weren't thinking about the repercussions of what had just happened. Your body was still slightly numb from the shock and intensity of the kiss. But you knew one thing for sure: that kiss changed everything.

"Do you need me to leave yet or should I stay a while longer?"

You just laughed at what he said, "I didn't realize a kiss would make you this easy to convince."

"It was a really good kiss, okay? You can't blame me for wanting to stay." Taeyang's response was instant and his smile was too charming.

You rolled your eyes before answering with a sigh, "Whatever. Just stay."

Taeyang responded with his own cocky smirk, "Sounds good to me," seemingly pleased by your reaction to him. Although your response was meant to sound annoyed or dismissive, Taeyang had a way of stealing your heart. So, the fact that you were allowing him to stay was a sign that you were slowly, but surely, falling for him.

You put your head down on Taeyang's chest, once more, and said, "I'm just gonna stay like this for a while."

Taeyang took this opportunity to tease you slightly, which you secretly enjoyed. He wrapped his arms back around you, and you closed your eyes, breathing in the peace of this moment. You were comfortable like this, enjoying the sound of Taeyang's breathing and the beating of his heart.

His weight against your body was reassuring and made you feel safe. You both remained silent for a moment, each lost in your own thoughts. Despite the silence, you felt an unusual but sweet intimacy. It felt as if you were communicating in a way that didn't require words, as if you were reading each other's thoughts.

The silence was both comforting and romantic, and both you and Taeyang wondered what would happen next. You felt a spark between the two of you, and the possibilities for your future began to unfold in your mind.

[strawberryshortcake1495]

Stranger Falls AU 10

Excerpt from Journal 3:

All my grandnephew’s fears are unfounded. All I feel towards him is love and pride. He is a wiser man at twelve thirteen than I was at thirty. He has an incredible future ahead of him, his mother would’ve been so proud.

Speaking of parents, I learned from Stanley that Dipper and Mabel are adopted, and that their parents had tried to keep it a secret from them in order to protect their “innocence”. I do wonder about their biological mother, Terry Ives. That poor woman, I hope she didn’t feel any pain in her final moments.

Looking back on my own catastrophic mistakes, I realize one great pattern in all my follies. I thought being a great man meant being alone. Apart from the crowd. I bristled at the idea of sharing my accomplishments with anyone. I shunned my brother for one dumb mistake, and I shunned Fiddleford for having the sense to try to stop me from dooming the world. Even when I was given a second chance, I still held others at a distance. If I had been able to widen my circle of trust… if I had just told everyone about the prophecy sooner… we might have gathered everyone together and banished Bill before he was able to strike. I just couldn't get over the idea of myself as the lone hero… and it was Stanley who paid the price.

"Trust No One"

What an absurd and paranoid idea. Trust shouldn't be given unconditionally, but it should be given a chance to be earned. There is strength in having the humility to work with and sacrifice for others- a strength I now realize was in my brother all along.

Stanley Pines was the man who saved the world, not me. I spent so long thinking he was a selfish jerk, and he turned out to be the most selfless man I've ever met in any dimension. If I'm totally honest, I must admit that he's a hero and I'm… a hero's brother. And I'm okay with that. Thank goodness he is recovering his wonderfully twisted mind. And I vow to spend the rest of my days making things right between us…If only he gives me a chance. . . .

It is a beautiful summer day. Everyone is packing for their respective futures, but I have found my mind drifting to how lovely the cloudless sky looks beneath the August sun. I've spent too long with my head in a book; it's time to look at the world- and people- around me once more.

But what to do with these journals? They've been created, destroyed, lost, found, buried, and burned, and yet, somehow, despite everything, they remain here like a curse I cannot escape. I had suggested to Dipper that because of all the misfortune caused by them, we burn them in the last campfire of the summer. Mabel, Soos, & Stan all seemed very excited by this notion. But Dipper had a better idea: we burn all my Bill Cipher artifacts instead. So we did. My scrolls, carpets, window… everything I'd ever collected with Bill went into the fire. We made s'mores and told stories until sunrise. It was Mabel who ultimately came up with the best solution of what to do with the journals….

And so here we are at the Bottomless Pit, a mystery of Gravity Falls that I still have never fully solved. Based on my investigations, tossing these journals inside could land them just about anywhere. They may end up in the center of the Earth, being devoured by a subterranean dinosaur, or in another dimension, or somehow in the hands of another curious young mind whose adventure has just begun… perhaps someone who will find secrets in this book that were hidden even from me…

And that brings us to you, dear reader. If you are holding this book in your hands, you hold something more than a record of the curious happenings of a town called Gravity Falls. You hold a record of one man's folly and the journey of his family who saved him from himself. It's never too late to learn that growing old doesn't have to mean growing up.

Stay curious, stay weird, stay kind, and don't let anyone ever tell you you aren't smart or brave or worthy enough. If you have come on these adventures with us, then you are an honorary member of the Pines family, and your adventure starts today.

And if anyone ever gets in your way- well, we have an entire section on Curses. Have at it. For the last time, unless we meet in some distant world, this is Stanford Pines, signing off.

THE END

[toushindai]

Seeing your thoughts on Rauru, I am now curious: how do you approach Ganondorf as a character? How does that compare or contrast with how you think about Rauru?

Thank you for the ask and all your thoughtful comments!! I've really appreciated them.

Approaching Ganondorf has been a different, more conscious process from how I approached Rauru; when I sat down to start brainstorming "A Sense of Entitlement" there was very much a moment where I had to ask myself "well, what am I trying to communicate about Ganondorf here?" I felt like, because I was putting all this mental work into complicating Rauru, I owed it to Ganondorf to complicate him as well, but I don't think the game presents quite as many juicy contradictions in Ganondorf's character. The game doesn't really seem interested in a well-rounded Ganondorf, a Ganondorf who has a point in resisting Hyrule's formation. Which sucks! Thank god we've all invented fanfiction and can do whatever we want forever.

It took me a little while to pin down the exact shape of him, but what I did decide on very early was that he is just deeply unhappy, the way a bottomless pit is unhappy. Nothing can fill him up besides being in control and exerting that control cruelly. Trace that backwards a bit--back further than he is willing to trace it, because there could be weakness at its source--and there is a paranoia, an inability to trust: only force and domination can be trusted to be real, anything else will be toppled when a strong enough force comes along. Any ally who does not fall 100% in line must be brought into line or self-evidently cannot be trusted. And then peel that feeling back a little more and I see alienation and a hideous, howling loneliness. A how-do-you-survive-this loneliness. And that's the feeling I place at his core--though it's well and truly obliterated from his conscious awareness.

I like writing about alienation? Not realizing that you're queer and autistic until you're in your twenties will do that to you, eh. The alienation from his people that I see in Ganondorf I do honestly read as a bit of a queer one, specifically, given that he is the only person in his culture who is going to exist in his gender category for the entire length of his lifespan. I think that has to feel pretty weird! I think it has to feel alienating, even if the form the alienation takes is that of putting him on a pedestal as king (but also, I have to assume--I will take the liberty of assuming--still being suspicious of other voe in a way that would be obviously visible to Ganondorf). In the fic I have him speaking of the Eighth Heroine, and while when I originally wanted that to be something he learned from Twinrova to inspire him to take pride in himself and the people he would one day lead, I uh. I had to nix that idea because the story of the Eighth Heroine doesn't accomplish that. It is not a story that would make a male Gerudo feel welcome among his people OR reassure him of his people's power! (It is frankly a bad story.) So instead it's something he found when he was--as a much younger man--searching for any evidence that a voe might have a place integrated into Gerudo society. The answer he found was "lmao not even if you save our entire ass 😌." He does not like this story. But to acknowledge how rejected it made him feel would be to look at something he believes is weakness, so instead he focuses on his disgust that even the Seven Heroines needed the strength of an outsider to conquer their enemy.

He has no place in his culture but he has an inescapably prescriptive place in his culture. He was raised knowing that he would be king, that everything he desired would be given to him because he is male. It is impossible to say textually what Twinrova wanted for him because they are. easter eggs. and so I just had to make it up: and what I decided was that they wanted him to be a conqueror, to lead the Gerudo and take over the rest of the land (solidified at some point during his lifespan into the kingdom of Hyrule). They wanted him to rule the Gerudo and the Gerudo to rule the world; but when Ganondorf lost his faith in his kinswomen he also lost interest in being an arm of the Gerudo and instead just wanted power for power's sake. I said this in a comment response but if the game is not going to give me a Ganondorf who is resisting Hyrule for the sake of his people--if it is going to give me a Ganondorf who, upon ascension to the form of the Demon King, seemingly abandons his Gerudo soldiers (Gerudo soldiers who were on board with his attacks on Hyrule! COME BACK THAT WAS INTERESTING) to go joyriding with a bunch of monsters and a rather cool horse instead--then I am going to make that a part of the tragedy of his character. It is a tragedy that he is so disconnected from his people. It is an enormous gaping hole inside him, this lack of connection with anyone.

But to acknowledge that, to feel it, would be to feel weak, and he cannot ever allow that. So he converts it all into cruelty and hatred and misery. He looks at people who have allied with each other and judges them weak for loving peace, for joining together instead of tearing each other apart. (In the Japanese, I am told, he explicitly hates the Zonai for accelerating this process.) He looks at any subordinate--or frankly at any other Gerudo--who does not fall in line with his agenda of unflinching conquest and scorns them for disloyalty and softheartedness. He hates whatever he sees and that hatred would be all-consuming if he were not so strong, so deliberately in control of himself. NOT to toot my own horn but I'm damn proud of this sentence:

Each movement is almost a meditation on his rage, fostering a measured alliance with the disgust and hatred he feels.

I think that is how he experiences just about every waking second. He has cut off all his access to happiness that does not come from dominating and taking away the power and happiness of others, and he has walked so far down this path--each step taking him further away from holistic contentment, each step taking him closer to the ability to dominate all he sees--that he could never turn back now.

Urbosa could've fixed him. imo. when he was much younger. (I'm saying this like a joke but I mean it.)

WAit I forgot to get into how he contrasts with Rauru. The thing between them is that both of them want power, want to have power over others; but Rauru hides this from himself because he thinks the desire for power is evil and he wants to think himself good, whereas Ganondorf... I think is probably comfortable thinking of himself as evil, or at least as what others term evil. And his comfort with his desire for power allows him to wield it much more effectively than Rauru does. We've got a bit of a hard power/soft power contrast going on. Ganondorf believes in power and physical force but Rauru's power lies in diplomacy and civility. In the trappings of social niceties. Ganondorf subjects himself to this framework by swearing his false fealty to Hyrule and finds it more ensnaring than he enjoys (he enjoys it zero), but once he has the opportunity to actually act in his own element by seizing Sonia's secret stone, the social niceties are powerless against his brute force.

[reno2005]

Reno I’m so glad you talked about Leon change being not black and white. Because when Ada told him he didn’t change, it irked me. I love Ada and I know what she meant by that, that he still is a good person that wants to do the right thing. But it also felt so disrespectful because Leon changed, he’s not that bright eyed rookie anymore.

It’s just that I’ll always mourn Leon’s self before the trauma, so when someone says he hasn’t changed it, it almost feels dismissive of all he’s been through.

Leon reminds me a lot of the Ship of Theseus. If you're unaware of what it is, it's a philosophical question of sorts that basically goes like: You have a ship made of wood. Over time you replace certain pieces/planks/etc so that the ship can continue to run well. After years of maintenance is the ship still the same?

I think about the question a lot here and there since I started playing the game. There isn't a right answer really(I suppose) but I personally believe that it is the same ship. The ship still has its own personal goal/service/etc that it commits to.(In the case of the ship of theseus, to commemorate the saving of the children of Athens) Sure you may change pieces of board over time or exchange one working part for maybe a more updated one but the ship still has the same purpose/goal/etc. and even what it stands for. I also count the build of the ship being part of its identity. Again, you may have changed boards to keep it in good shape but the same could be said of the body. Updating and maintaining it to stay in good order for its purpose and goals. Its all part of its core identity.

I think the people who tell Leon he hasn't changed perhaps focus on the parts of him that they maybe lack within themselves or don't like seeing having stayed the same within himself but not themselves.(Some people will also just always have their pride and will want to feel like they're on the top if that makes sense) The want to do good for no other reason than that it's the right thing to do and not for money's sake or a personal lie of independence and being unable to step away from doing questionably moral things because you think you can't turn away from the life you've made for yourself. Staying true to yourself and how you go about things in a true and honest manner and sticking with wanting to do good despite the bad that has happened to you and trying to move on from it despite the burning desire to focus on it and let it consume you whether from fear of weakness or losing the only life you've ever known. One is stuck(you can argue they do good things but does it come from a genuine place), the other changed for the worse.

The only person who asked him whether one can change and didn't tell him whether he did or not was also trying to change themselves and they at their core weren't all that different from before either. They wanted to do good and were simply blinded by their research and what they were accomplishing in an attempt to reach for some sort of redemption from their own past and what happened to them. They still had their personality but showed clear signs of guilt and moments of taking things seriously.

Maybe that's why I thought it was weird when the "Leon treats Ashley cold" thing was floating around. He's still the kind caring heart of justice person from before. If he wasn't he wouldn't be so concerned with "saving one person while a hundred others die". He wants to save everyone he can, just like he did back then. When I take pictures I'm surprised when I look back at some of my shots of scenes because I always forget/don't realize how often he smiles in the game, especially when he's able to help Ashley or sees that she's okay after a tense situation.

Did you know Leon always gives out a tense sigh of sorts after you do your first stealth kill? I interpret that as him not being a cold killing machine but only doing what he has to for goodness sake. He needs to save an innocent person and unfortunately it's him or the Ganados.

But yes I also think he's not naive anymore. He calls her out for just using him again(you may argue she helps him and etc but again the underlying motive is her obtaining the sample) and rejects her offer to join her. He immediately figures out Krauser kidnapped Ashley without a doubt despite trying to change his mind on the whole situation and their personal seemingly close history with each other. He's suspicious of Luis the whole time and doesn't give him his full name and takes most of the game to warm up to him just to be assured he's not bad either.

I'm going on and on here so I'll end it by saying I feel Leon has changed but not completely and despite what he's been through, it could have been for the worst but he tries his best to stick true to his morals and character even if he has to get his hands dirty and he needs to be more wary of others for the most part due to the kind of business he's in unfortunately. The ship is still the same, the parts are just updated.

[demonsandco]

Smut Alphabet - Lucifer

All the letters for Luci have been answered now, so here's a post compiling them all together!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

When he’s the one in charge, Luci acts like the king of aftercare. As much as he loves seeing his partner fall apart, he always makes sure to put them back together in the end. His go to thing is running a hot bath for his partner, letting him clean them up while also giving him a reason to hold them close and relax for once. After the bath, he’s pretty much at their beck and call, willing to run out and get them anything they need until they're ready to go to bed. It’s one of the only times when Luci won’t put up a fight about going to bed at a decent hour, instead opting to snuggle under the covers and pulling his partner close to his chest.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

For a long while, Lucifer’s favorite parts of him were his wings, but now they carry too many memories for him to view them with the same light. Now, his favorite body part would be his hands. He has long fingers and a firm grip, perfect for grabbing his partner’s wrists with one hand and pinning them down.

When it comes to his partner, Lucifer’s favorite body part of theirs is their neck. It’s such a vulnerable part of their body and it’s his favorite place to leave marks. It’s a trust thing for him, as well as something that makes him feel powerful. Knowing that he could kill them in a second with his sharp teeth pressed to their throat, yet they trust him not to hurt them excites him to no end.

(cont under the cut)

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Lucifer cums a pretty average amount, but he can do so quite a few times in a row. His favorite place to cum is in his S/O’s mouth or on their face. Marking them in such a way feeds into his pride, and he can’t help but admire how wonderful they look covered on his seed. He would never force them to swallow it when he does this, but if they choose to, he is left feeling awed and even hornier than before.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Lucifer is more than prepared to take this secret to his grave, but he has, on more than one occasion, fantasised about having a pact master use their pact with him during sex, with consent of course. It’s the idea of trusting his partner to the point where he puts his life in their hands and gives them complete control that gets to him. He’d be able to just lay back and stop thinking for once, while they use him however they see fit, without him needing to make a single decision. If his actual S/O ever suggests something like that, he’d be overjoyed internally, but he plays it off as simply playing along with their idea. He refuses to let anyone know how much he enjoys the thought because of how embarrassing he finds it.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Lucifer has quite a bit of experience, but only when it comes to sex involving BDSM dynamics. He doesn’t mind hooking up with someone if he has the option to have complete control for the night. The type of sex he’s used to is very much lacking in emotional connection. He’s left feeling a bit unsure of himself when it comes to more vanilla sex, being the submissive one, or just sex that involves emotions. He knows what he likes and he’s very skilled in the physical aspect, it just takes him a bit of time to get into the flow of things with a partner that he actually cares about. Especially when emotions are involved. He desperately wants his partner to know how much they mean to him, but he’s not quite sure how to translate his emotions into actions from the very start.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Lucifer’s favorite position is surprisingly vanilla in nature. Call him old fashioned or cliché, but he’s very fond of the missionary position. It doesn’t matter to him who’s on the top and who’s on the bottom, he’s fine with filling either role. He enjoys the closeness that it offers, pressing his chest against his partner’s and feeling each time they take a breath. Plus it offers so much versatility! He’s in the perfect place to kiss his partner as much as he wants, but he can also bury his face in their neck, leaving kisses and love bites, while also muffling his moans.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Lucifer very much prefers to take things seriously. He likes keeping the mood sensual and heated, and goofiness gets in the way of that. Some playfulness or teasing is perfectly fine, and even encouraged by him, but outright humor or jokes is something he’d rather avoid. If his partner insists on being humorous, he’d see it as them being bratty, and won’t hesitate to gag or punish them if they don’t listen to his warnings. It makes for a very easy way to rile him up, if that’s what they’re looking to do. His only focus in the moment is their pleasure (or pain) and his behavior reflects that.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

As with anything to do with his appearance, Lucifer takes meticulous care of his body hair. He constantly keeps it trimmed and short, even if he doesn’t have a partner who would be seeing it at the time. He’s prideful of how he looks and puts a lot of time into looking well put together in all aspects, even if no one will see it. He has a nice amount of body hair in general, though, his pubes leading up into a thin happy trail and a light dusting of hair over his chest. It’s all black in colour, just like the base of his hair.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Surprisingly, Lucifer is very intimate in the moment. He considers sex itself to be an intimate and romantic activity. He needs to trust his partner quite a bit to feel comfortable letting them see him in such a potentially vulnerable position and that really shows. Even if he’s acting rough and dominating, he still can’t help but let a bit of softness and love seep into his words and actions. It’s one of the only times where he can voice his emotions easily, without his pride getting in the way.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Despite having a very high libido, Lucifer rarely takes the time to take care of his needs. He usually puts it off in favor of working, until he suddenly realises just how long it's been, and how needy he feels. It leaves him feeling so pent up and tense, not to mention unbearably sensitive, but getting himself off just doesn’t leave him feeling satisfied enough to be worth the time. He would much rather get off with a partner than on his own, and he’s willing to stay all worked up until then.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

This comes as a surprise to no one, but Lucifer loves bondage. Having his partner tied, watching them wiggle helplessly, unable to escape his touch, never fails to excite him and make his heart race. However, not only does Lucifer enjoy tying up his partner, he also loves to be the one getting tied up. The feel of tight ropes biting into his skin as he squirms under their gaze sends blood rushing straight to his dick. Especially when he thinks about how much trust he’s putting in them. He’s leaving himself open and helpless, yet he knows that they’ll never do anything he genuinely dislikes, just as he would never do that to them

On a similar note, Lucifer is also very fond of temperature play, especially when combined with bondage or even sensory deprivation. He likes the subtle blend of pain and pleasure that comes with it, alongside the anticipation of not knowing which will come next. He could spend hours teasing his partner like this, watching their reactions and listening to their cries. Of course, he’ll also let them return the favor, tying him up and teasing his senses with ice cubes and hot wax. He’ll hold in his reactions for as long as possible, and it’s hard to break him, but if they know where to target, they’ll have him begging soon enough. The span of his back, as well as his thighs are extra sensitive and dripping wax across his spine while sliding some ice over his inner thighs will leave him desperate and begging in no time.

Unsurprisingly, the Avatar of Pride has a huge praise kink. Lucifer craves praise from his partner, enjoying the feeling of pride coursing through his body when his partner tells him how good he feels and how well behaved he is. He strives to please them as much as he can, and the validation that he’s a good boy sends pleasure coursing through him. Of course, Lucifer also gets pleasure out of giving his partner praise, too, when he’s the one in charge. He wants them to know how proud he is of them when they’re being good.

On the opposite hand, Lucifer gets a weird amount of pleasure out of being humiliated. He isn’t fond of humiliating his S/O, being humiliated? Having a mere human exert that much power over him? It excites him to no end and he can’t explain why. If they treat him like he’s a lesser being, spit in his mouth, step on his cock, anything like that, Lucifer finds himself cumming so embarrassingly quick. He has to be in a specific headspace to enjoy it, but when he is, having his pride crushed in such a way feels like such a thrill.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Lucifer is a very private man and refuses to risk being caught in the act. The riskiest he’ll get is his office, but more often than not, it’s going to take place in his room. He prefers to take his time with his partner anyway, and that's much easier to accomplish on a comfortable bed, rather than somewhere else. He has more than enough self control to avoid doing anything too sensual outside of his room, where he feels safe.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

He’ll never admit it, but seeing his s/o acting bold or taking charge never fails to excite him. It makes his mind wander and Lucifer can’t help but imagine them acting that way towards him, disregarding his rank and power and taking control of him. He’s almost ashamed of having such fantasies, but that just serves to excite him further.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Exhibitionism of any level is a big no for Lucifer. He has a hard enough time showing regular affection in public, and anything even remotely sexual in nature crosses his limits. He considers what he shares with his partner to be very personal and vulnerable and he refuses to have anyone else see him in such a state. He’s also not fond of anyone having a chance to see his partner in a disheveled state. In his mind, their body and reactions are for his eyes only. No one else even comes close to deserving to see them like that.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Lucifer very much prefers giving oral over receiving, and he’s damn good at it, too. He loves the amount of power it gives him, allowing him to control exactly how much pleasure he’s giving his partner. He knows exactly how to use his mouth to get specific responses from them. He’s also a quick learner and adapts to his partner’s preferences very fast.

While Lucifer doesn’t hate being on the receiving end, it takes some time for him to be open to the idea. Letting his partner have so much control over his pleasure leaves him feeling vulnerable and he has a harder time controlling his reactions. It takes every ounce of control he has not to grab the back of their head and set the pace himself, but he finds that it’s more worth it in the end to give them complete control.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Lucifer’s pace heavily depends on the mood of the night. If both he and his partner are stressed and need some relief, he’s more than happy to go hard and rough. He does enjoy taking his time, though, and if his schedule allows it, he’d much rather keep things sensual and slow. Intimacy is a very important part of sex for him, and a fast pace feels like it brings things to an end too quickly for him to fully enjoy it all the time, but he still likes the roughness of it. Regardless of who’s in control of the pace, he enjoys it best when there’s a healthy balance, starting out hard and fast, before gradually slowing down and letting some romance seep in, only to speed up once again as he and his partner get close to finishing.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Lucifer is a very busy demon, meaning that sometimes all he has time for is a quickie, but that doesn’t mean he likes them. When he’s with his partner, he wants to be able to take his time with them, keep a slow and sensual pace, but he often can’t find the time for it. He always thinks a quickie would be better than nothing, but they often just leave him feeling even more pent up and desperate.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Lucifer isn’t the most open person when it comes to experimentation. Mostly because he’s already had experience with many kinks throughout his long life, and he feels that he’s got a very good idea of what he’s into. There are very few things his partner could suggest that he either isn’t completely against or that he hasn’t already tried. If they do manage to find something that he’s unsure of yet, he’s more than happy to try it out for them, as long as it’s in a controlled environment. His partner has a much higher chance of getting him to experience something new if he’s the submissive one for the night. Chances are he’ll end up enjoying it, even if he was a bit unsure at first. He thrives off of pleasing his s/o and they’ll quickly find that he has very few limits.

Lucifer is very fond of everything being safe and controlled, regardless of who is in charge for the night. He outright refuses to do anything he’d consider obscene anywhere that someone else could walk into. He wants anything that happens to stay between him and his partner, and his not a fan of risking that in any way.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Lucifer has quite a lot of stamina, when he's not exhausted and overworked, at least. He's not exaggerating when he says he'll keep his partner busy all night long. He can take a few more rounds than the average human, but they last for ages. He's skilled at holding off his own orgasms, capable of making his partner cum on his cock a couple times at least, before finally letting go himself. He uses this to his advantage often, wanting to make sure he completely satisfies them before reaching his own peak.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Lucifer has a rather impressive collection of toys, or perhaps tools would be more accurate. He doesn't own anything like dildos or vibrators, but he has everything from different styles of restraints, to paddles, to whips. He has no qualms using some of the… less extreme tools in his collection on his partner, and he's not opposed to adding some more commonly seen sex toys to the mix, as well. If they show interest, he's more than happy to switch roles and lend them his tools, but he greatly prefers the feel of his partner's body, rather than a plastic toy.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Lucifer is a huge fan of teasing his partner, but he’s very easily swayed by begging. He could genuinely spend hours teasing them and finding new ways to make them react, but as soon as they beg him for more, he loses all semblance of patience and control. Hearing his partner beg feeds straight into his pride, and he’s always weak when it comes to their wants and needs.

Lucifer himself is rather fun to tease as well. It may not be his favorite thing, but he enjoys it from time to time. It takes a lot of practice and patience to actually break him, though, but it’s more than worth it in the end. What’s better than seeing the Avatar of Pride crying and groveling, pleading for his partner to let him cum?

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Lucifer purposefully keeps himself quiet, doing his best to avoid making any sort of embarrassing noises. It works pretty well for him at first, the most that’s coming out of his mouth being soft gasps or groans from behind his clenched teeth, but the closer he gets, the less controlled his voice becomes, letting sweet, delicate moans slip out. He’s still not the type of person to be extra loud or talkative, but it’s not uncommon to hear soft words of praise in between the whiny noises he can’t seem to silence anymore.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Despite the sadistic and domineering persona he puts on, most of the time, Lucifer actually prefers to be the submissive one. He spends every waking moment of his life feeling like he needs to be in control and trying to take care of everything, that what he really craves is to just lay back and have someone else take the reins. It takes a huge amount of trust for Lucifer to admit this, but once he does, he’s willing to let his partner do whatever they want to him.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Lucifer's dick is an impressive sight, but isn't too intimidating. He has a lot of length, more than the average human, and just enough girth to provide a stretch, without requiring extensive prepping. His skin flushes easily, making his a cock a pretty pink colour when he's hard. The thing that stands out the most, though, is that he has piercings down there. There's three to be exact, all lined up on the underside of his cock, forming a Jacob's ladder. They match the nipple piercings that he also keeps hidden under his clothes.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Lucifer’s sex drive is pretty high compared to the average human, but it really isn’t very high for a demon. He’s always so pent up, however, that you’d never be able to tell that. He’s always busy, and when he does have time to spend with his S/O, he wants to do something romantic with them first, constantly pushing aside his need in favor of something else. By the time he’s finally alone and in the mood with them, he's so desperate and sensitive that he comes across as constantly horny, when he’s actually just denying himself until he can’t handle it anymore.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Lucifer has a horrible sleep schedule and struggles to get some rest even when he’s tired. The chances of him falling asleep before his partner are extremely low, even if they wore him out. Even if he doesn’t have any work he feels pressured to finish, chances are that once he finishes taking care of his partner, he’s still going to stay up. He’ll stay in bed if they ask him to, but he’ll find something to read or put on some soft music to keep him busy for a few hours, until he finally feels like he can rest.

[kaeyasaki]

👀 — :; ass or tiddies

-> jjk characters and whether they’re more of an ass or tiddies luvvvrrr

-> an :; i luv tits but i’m more of an ass girl and this is my way of venting that out yes,, gn!reader because everyone has either nice ass or tiddies or <both3 all consensual behaviour

-> ft :; gojo satoru, itadori yuuji, fushiguro megumi, nobara kugisaki, nanami kento + maki zenin

-ˏˋ gojo satoru ˊˎ-

greedy mf loves both. one is great but two is perfect. he doesn’t mind either to be honest but he’ll gladly take both options up if he can. he loves laying on your tits while you play with the hem of that stupid eye mask he wears, he’ll rant to you while looking up at you as he lays on your chest. he claims it’s his ‘comfort pillow’ and he absolutely needs to lay on them at least once everyday or he won’t be able to function. loves playing with them while the two of you are just laying down too. he doesn’t care what size they are, he just likes the feeling of your warm and soft flesh in his slightly calloused hands. as for your ass, he loves when you sit on his lap because you ass was made to fit his lap; he insists it was anyway. he 100% slaps your ass lightly whenever he walks past you too, he does it for both a reaction from you and because again, he likes the contact between his hand and your skin. loves resting his hand on it while you’re by his side and is shameless in squeezing it while out in public. keep your man on a leash, it’s what he deserves.

-ˏˋ itadori yuuji ˊˎ-

if you asked itadori for his physical type, you know he’s quoting ‘body’ by megan thee stallion. he doesn’t care much for sizing though, because your ass is great either way in his eyes. rather than just tapping your shoulder like a normal person, he’ll poke your ass to get your attention even though you tell he’s weird for it. he cant help it though, you’re really out here with an ass that nice? whats he supposed to do? like gojo, he also likes it when you sit on his lap because you just fit so nicely on there. his lap is ‘your throne’ as he tells you every time he has you sitting pretty on it. LOVES when you wear his sweatpants too because you look so good in them. they’re a little baggy because he’s a growing boy whose forever going to updating his wardrobe for sizing, but they still look good on you. the material always hugs and hangs in all the right places and he feels a sense of pride wash over him when he sees you wearing his sweatpants because your pretty ass is in them.

-ˏˋ fushiguro megumi ˊˎ-

he’s down bad for your tiddies for sure. it’ll take him a while to admit and display this admiration for them but eventually he’ll give and and show you that he loves laying on them and he likes holding them under your shirt too. they’re always warm and they ‘heat up his hands’. you could be laying in bed and he’ll crawl in next to you just to slide his hands up your shirt to hold them. he will fall asleep like that and his hands will absolutely stay attached to your pretty tiddies because your warmth is unmatched. he also loves burying his face in them. they’re for sure his favourite surface to lay on and he swears he could stay forever head buried in your chest. he honestly passes out whenever he’s really in contact with your chest, he can’t help it though. it’s not his fault they’re so soft and warm they’re practically inviting him to fall asleep whenever he’s somehow in contact with them. but, while he loves holding them, his favourite thing about them is the way they press up against his when you’re cuddled up to him. he gets both the warmth of your chest pressed up against him and the pleasure of getting to wrap his arms around you, it’s for sure his favourite position to hold you in.

-ˏˋ nobara kugisaki ˊˎ-

of course she loves both. a real baddie can appreciate both ass and tiddies to the max and nobara is no exception. loves laying her head on her ass while the two of you are laying down. she’ll be staring up at the ceiling ranting about how prices on the new balenciaga coat she wanted have gone up while he head is resting on your nice ass. she also likes being the big spoon sometimes because she’s obsessed with the way you perfectly slot into her figure, she is certain the two of your bodies are like a of set of lock and key. as for you tits, she also loves to bury her face in them, she’ll come in and find you laying on the bed onto the floor into your chest and remain there until she’s gained enough energy to sit up. if you play with her hair while she’s like this, it’s practically guaranteed she’ll fall asleep. she actually likes it when she passes out on your chest because she claims they’re always the best naps of her life whenever she does. also thinks everything you wear looks so good, they just sit so pretty she’ll always be shopping for you because she knows you’ll look good in all the shirts and such she’ll be buying you.

-ˏˋ nanami kento ˊˎ-

a refined man who has a weakness for ass. his go-to thing to grab for when he needs to destress. he loves kneading it gently and that’s great because not only does it help his destress but it’s relaxing for you too. he’s like your own personal ass masseuse which makes you the luckiest person in the world. to have the nanami kento weak for your ass is a huge accomplishment and it’s not like he can be blamed for it because it’s just so perfect. he likes it when you sit on his thigh, but when you’re facing sideways so you can lean into him. he likes this because not only can he see your pretty face, but he likes resting his larger hands on your ass while the other holds your waist in place. when the two of you are in bed to sleep, he’ll always have at least one hand on your ass because by now it’s natural instinct to just let it rest there. working with gojo is constantly stressful so it’s always mandatory his favourite de-stressor is always close to him which happens to be your ass. he’s always gentle with it though, that’s unless of course, you permit him otherwise.

-ˏˋ zenin maki ˊˎ-

tits. just tits. maki is obsessed with yours and she can’t be blamed. loves the way they press up against her when she holds you, but adores it when you hug her from behind and have them press up against her back. when she’s particularly tense from either stress or general tiredness, she appreciates it’s when you cuddle her from behind because she swears the knots in her back loosen immediately. that being said, she likes it when she’s laying on her stomach and you’re laying on her back with your chest resting on her too. they bring her a nice sense of both warmth and comfort and she looks forward to days where the two of you can just unwind and laze about together like this. when sleeping, maki likes being both the big and the little spoon, she’s totally adaptable especially because she knows she can be in contact with your chest both ways. big spoon maki likes it when you let her hug her arms around your chest and little spoon maki immediately relaxes at the feeling of them pressed against her. no matter what way the two of you fall asleep, maki can go to bed each night affirmed she’s going to sleep well.

[jenomark]

Can i request an ideal type for all members? Like just your thoughts on what the members need please

Keep in mind that this is not truth. I'm not going to focus on the physical stuff, because physical preferences change all of the time. I'll just focus on what kind of person I think they need/want, or what I think they should gravitate towards more. 💚

Also, I answer these kinds of questions a lot, but my ideas do change. Keep that in mind, also.

Taeil: I think he would be so in love with someone whose personality is not unlike Haechan. Someone who ends up being the life of the party. Someone who cares about keeping other people happy and entertained. Someone with a larger than life personality to balance out his own. Someone to bring him out of his shell more (because we all know the real Taeil is a wild man, tbh). Someone extraverted and friendly. However, he'll need them to be serious when it's time to be serious. I also think he'll need someone that really understands his lifestyle, because I can't see him with someone not in some part of the entertainment industry.

Johnny: I think, when Johnny sees people, he wonders if that person will be a good marriage partner for him. There is something about him, to me, that suggests he's modeling relationships off of what he's experienced growing up. He'll need someone with a similar personality to him. It's not because he's vain, it's just that he wants things so badly to be fun and stress-free. So, with that said, their sense of humor has to be amazing. He is a leader type, but I think he'll switch to being a follower type when he finds his ideal type. He'll like it, too. I think he'll end up falling for someone not from his native country. Differences are interesting and cool to him.

Taeyong: Honestly, someone that can take care of him. He's not looking for a mother figure. He's not looking to be babied. I always get the feeling he just wants someone to take over for a while and tell him things will be okay. Someone empathetic. Judging by what he shows us, animal lovers are ideal. Don't laugh at how seriously he takes things sometimes. I think that would kill him. I always see him with someone mentally and emotionally strong. The opposite they are to him, the better. I can see him being interested in someone he works with, but I do think he's the type to get caught up in how people make him feel rather than how good they would truly be for him. I genuinely hope someone good and sweet finds him eventually!

Yuta: Someone who can deal with the intensity he dishes out. They have to be strong and capable, mentally and emotionally. They can't clash with his ideas or opinions, but they also can't back down. He'll be looking for someone who can keep up with him. I do think they would have to have a degree of goofiness to them, though. I don't think he's as serious as he can present himself to be. Someone charming. Someone that can hold an interesting conversation. Someone who makes him feel like home, if that makes sense. He needs to feel at ease in a relationship.

Kun: Someone focused and mature. He feels like someone who would be honored to find a partner just like himself. In a weird way, I think he would look at a reflection of himself and be turned on. However, I happen to agree with him on this one. Someone who enjoys what he enjoys would compliment him well. Someone affectionate and open to receiving his affection. Someone disciplined and wise beyond their years. Though, I do think they would have to differ from him somehow because he'll need someone to help him chill out. For this reason, I would probably place him with someone younger but mature.

Doyoung: Someone even more outgoing than he is. Extroversion. Someone he can learn from and follow. Someone that likes to cuddle and stay inside, but they can also go out and have fun. He's not picky at all. His restlessness makes him want everything and to experience everything at once, so his ideal type ends up looking like a million people squished into one. Personally, I would like to see him with someone mature. I don't want anyone that will be reckless with his soft heart. Someone he can sing with, I think. I feel that would be best for him, because I think it will create a tighter bond.

Ten: Since he knows people really well, he knows what is best for himself. I think he has a whole lot of qualities on a list that he wants. Someone artistic. Someone without an attitude. Someone that lets him live freely. They'll have to understand him, and they can't just pretend to understand him because he'll know right away if they don't. Someone gentle with him. Someone who sees his heart. Someone that feels like a soulmate to him. Someone who can live in the different world he's created for both of them. I think the person he goes for will be spiritual and creative and just everything that embodies Ten as a person.

Jaehyun: Someone pretty. That isn't necessarily a physical thing, because someone can be pretty on the inside, too. Someone who doesn't make him think or talk too much. He doesn't want drama. He doesn't want anything that is too hard. I do get the feeling that he likes femininity a whole lot. Someone who is private about their affairs but knows how to celebrate their own accomplishments. He'll need a best friend as well as a lover in that person. I see him with someone in the entertainment industry, but I think he'll always go for someone people least expect him to. Honestly, they might have to be a little weird, since his energy is a little offbeat.

WinWin: Ideally, I think he wants someone that excites him. Someone who acts one way in public and another way privately. Though observant, his attention sometimes isn't the best, so someone that thrills him would keep him interested. Whether or not that's good for him, only he knows. He likes giving support and likes knowing that they're pleased by that support. He has a lot of determination to do what other people do not want him to do, and I think that might translate into relationships. He'll probably go for someone opinionated and talkative. Someone that will let him spoil the shit out of them and treat them like royalty.

Jungwoo: His ideal type is someone just like him. For better or for worse, they'll have to know what he's like when they're with him. Someone clever is good. He likes mental games and likes to be kept on his toes. Someone that can teach him new things. I think he likes to be surprised. Outdo and outspeak him. On the flipside of all the chaos, he's deeply sensitive and probably needs someone who understands what it means when he's stressed. Someone patient, because he's not a person who opens up as easily. A good listener. Honestly, someone that isn't scared to call him out sometimes can't hurt.

Lucas: Someone who is fun enough for him to take his mind off of things. He has a lot of worries, so he'll need someone to take his worries and turn them into something positive. Someone dependable. Someone who has had shared experiences. Someone who understands everything he is not saying. For this, I definitely think he'll need someone in the entertainment industry. I think his ideal type reads a bit different from what he might need. There is a part of me that feels he has no idea what he really needs or wants. To me, he seems like someone who, right now, just wants to be loved.

Mark: Ambition and independence is a big theme. He needs a hard worker, first and foremost. They would have to give everything 110%. Next, he needs someone with similar values and morals. They, of course, don't have to see eye-to-eye with him about everything, because he's quite accepting, but he can't be with someone who doesn't believe in anything at all. Friendliness is good, but extraversion isn't needed. He needs someone devoted to him. Someone confident and sure of themselves. He'll need someone who can hang around when things get tough, which they will. I can't see him with someone too wild.

Xiaojun: Whether he wants it or not, ideally, someone who can put him in his place. He does need someone to guide him. He needs a boss, in a sense, but not someone too prideful to accept his love. He has a lot of love to give. I think he's addicted to people who are loud and crazy. He needs a big presence in a personality. He wants to always be stunned when this person walks into a room. Someone who likes to play and have fun. If they're too stuffy or serious, Xiaojun starts to change himself, and he doesn't want to do that. Whomever they are, I think his eyes will light up whenever he sees them.

Hendery: Someone sensitive. His ideal person is the same whether it's for a relationship or a friendship. He needs someone who thinks about the welfare of other people. Compassionate. Kind. Welcoming. Humor is a big need. If his person can't make a fool out of themselves, he's not likely to be interested. He wouldn't want them being self-deprecating, though. Someone who believes in and loves themselves is important. I think he wants someone to romance him rather than just him romancing them. The more I get to know him, the more I feel like he strives to be a really good husband for someone someday.

Renjun: I think he would fall so deeply in love with someone bubbly and cute. Someone a little extraverted, friendly, and probably a little annoying. Someone that makes him feel shy when he talks to them. Someone that can talk him down from a ledge. He has tendencies to be a little pessimistic, so someone optimistic is perfect for him. Whomever they are, I see them being small and sweet. A good listener. If they can do the things for him that he does for other people, he would be very thankful. For some reason, I see him wanting to date friends of his friends.

Jeno: I've always seen him with someone older. Not by too many years. I think, no matter what age, they would have to treat him as an equal. Ideally, his type would have the same interests that he does. He would love nothing more than to do an activity and for them to be truly happy about joining him. Someone caring. Someone kind. Someone that other people would call a nice person. He wouldn't want to be taken advantage of in any way. Therefore, someone with a fiery and self-serving personality won't work with him. He needs calmness and simpleness. He doesn't need your support, but he's touched if he has it.

Haechan: Someone who understands him. Don't change the things you don't like about him, but offer to help him grow. I say this a lot about him, but he definitely needs someone patient and compassionate. I think, if he had it his way, he would go for another singer/artist, but I don't think that's the best idea. I think he needs normalcy in a relationship, or it will have the tendency to make him depressed along the line. Someone very intelligent and clever, like, they have to be able to back up what they're talking about. Mental sparring turns him on. If you can play with him and not get hurt so easily, it's ideal.

Jaemin: Stability!!!! It's, like, his number one thing. He is self-sufficient all on his own, so if you don't add any stability to his life,there is no use for you. I think he looks at love in a very logical way. He just wants someone to share his life with. He wants what is his and he wants them to have what is theirs, but to also come together in a way that is mutually beneficial. Honesty is a must, because it's what he values in others. He'll probably need someone who isn't bossy or dominate. He's not someone who takes too kindly to being told what to do, to be honest. Someone wise. Someone intelligent. Someone low-maintenance.

YangYang: Someone that doesn't take themselves too seriously. Someone who makes him laugh a lot . I think, right now, his ideal type physically is very shallow and typical of someone his age (for the most part). The more important parts read like: "Someone my mom likes." or "Someone who makes me be a better person." I do think YangYang thinks a lot about what's on the inside of a person and how that affects him in the long run. He'll want someone kind and easygoing, someone that has good values and morals. Something also tells me he has this idea about love that can be very much like a fairytale. He can be very naive, so someone who knows what they're doing can only help serve him.

Shotaro: I think his ideal type list is miles long but he'll never admit exactly what is on it. His expectations are high, but realistic. He needs someone energetic, someone who wants the same things out of life that he does. Someone trustworthy. Someone intelligent and savvy about the industry. I kind of get the sense that he is picky about who he chooses to love, like, he knows exactly what he wants. I want for him to go for someone who looks tough on the outside but is really soft around the edges. I kind of want him to go for a dancer, but something tells me he stays away from all of that.

Sungchan: Someone he can help. Someone he can take care of, cherish, nurture, love for life. He has a really good and lovable personality, so I think he's going to attract exactly what he's looking for. He'll need someone bold, too, like, they have to match the fearless vibe he sometimes has going on. If they're bolder than him, it's a plus, because he sometimes feels like a coward. I can see them also being a little awkward, and I really think he's attracted to that awkward energy. He'll want his ideal type to make sense when other people look at them together. Someone chill and drama-free. I don't think he cares what kind of job they have or where they come from, just that they make him happy.

Chenle: When I think about it, his ideal type feels simple. He doesn't feel like someone who really needs much in life. The qualities he wants are basic things like: nice, fun, honest, loves him, doesn't like to argue too much etc. I think Chenle's main requirement is probably that the person loves and respects his family. I don't think he's too fussy. I can't see him with someone who likes being part of the spotlight. I think he needs a low key relationship where two people can flourish in each other's company. I do think he draws people to him that he might be so tolerant towards that he won't realize they're manipulating him. Either way, I think relationships are the furthest thing from his mind at the moment.

Jisung: Someone most likely older than him. It's not that he needs someone to lead him in life, just that he likes learning from people who have different experiences. I also kind of feel like he has a need to be taken seriously and seen as mature, so someone more experienced will do that for him. Someone who expresses their own emotions well and can see where his emotions are coming from. His ideal type would need to be best friends with him first. Building friendship is important to someone like him. If you pass the friendship vibe check, he's up to seeing where else it goes. I think he would be into someone artsy and cute, someone soft and kind. I wouldn't be surprised if he went and found himself a little weirdo.

[otptings]

Flowers

☽ Requested; Yes

☽ Idol; Jungwon

☽Word Count; 3.3k+

☽ Genre; Hanahaki (lots of mentions for it) Friends to Lovers, slight Angst

☽ Warnings; Self deprecating thoughts, mentions of hanahaki disease, slight blood, lots of cringe flower metaphors

☽ Synopsis; Date night has been a monthly tradition since before Jungwon debuted in Enhypen. This is your first day out in months with Jungwon, but somethings different about this one. Is it the fact that he's an idol now, and all of your activities happen in empty establishments that have been bought out by his management, or is it your newly returning feelings for Jungwon that threatened to choke you out, causing dark violet flowers to spew out of your mouth at every interaction with him?

☽ A/n; The zoo I am describing for this is the Honolulu Zoo because that is the last one that I've been to, so if some of the animals aren't in Seoul than I apologize for that. Hope you enjoy this and sorry for taking so long on this request I had so many ideas of how to pull off the dates

You trusted Jungwon. It came easily like breathing, only a natural side effect developed effortlessly over 5 years of friendship. Days spent laughing and telling jokes, venting to each other about worries and stresses, studying for hours the night before tests. With someone as generous, and lovable as him it was easy to trust him with your life. He has also used this to his advantage, convincing you to do questionable things with a flash of his dimples. Like now, allowing him to lead you down the streets of Seoul while blindfolded. Completely at his mercy.

"Are we close? My feet are starting to hurt. We've been walking for hours." You whined as Jungwon pulled you around another corner. You've lost your sense of direction 4 turns ago, and he seemed to keep on going. "Why couldn't your manager just drive us the whole way? You had to have him stop super far from wherever you're taking me?" Jungwon just let out a laugh and gently squeezed your wrist. . His hand surrounding your wrist was comforting and grounding, a reminder that you were safe with him.

"We're almost there I promise. And if I would've done that it wouldn't have been a surprise now would it." You humphed knowing that Jungwon was stubborn when it came to things like this.

"You always do this. It's not fair, your ideas are always so much fancier than mine." Jungwon let out another laugh, and you didn't have to see him to know his expression. Eyes probably scrunched up, his dimples greeting the world as he laughed at my pain.

"It's not my fault that I love you so much. Plus I always want to do something special with you." Confusion flooded your mind while your heart skipped multiple beats at his words.

In the same sense of truth, feelings were natural too. Flowering in your chest with every sweet action he did, never wanting a reward for it just doing them because that's the kind of person he is. Packing extra food in his lunch box knowing your tendency to forget your own. Cupping your cheeks while he wiped away your tears, listening to you rant about your sorrows or broken hearts. Pulling you close to his chest afterwards, massaging the back of your head knowing how bad your headaches get after crying. Arms wrapped securely around you as he whispered calming words into your ear, a sense of security and comfort blanketing you while listening to his heart beat. Every gentle, caring and loving action made the flowers grow.

When Jungwon told you about his plan to audition for Be-Lift one part of you was selfish. You wanted him to stay, turn down the biggest opportunity of his lifetime, continue being only your Jungwon. That part was tiny however; and you squashed down those bitter feelings. You were absolutely ecstatic for him, having been the one to even push him towards the auditions. Stayed up hours at night to watch him practice, seeing his confidence grow tremendously the weeks leading to that fateful day.

When he got accepted you both celebrated the great news. His parents held a dinner in his honor, and his family sat around the table, congratulating him and his accomplishment. At first you were happy for him, overflowing with joy that your best friend had passed the biggest audition of his life. But as the day got closer you had to hide your heart break, smiling despite the tears you shed at night. Knowing that he was going to leave you soon.

The night before he left for I-Land was the hardest one, cuddling into his side while you laid in his bed. The last time in a while you would be in his room like this, only the two of you and the quiet of the night. You didn't sleep the whole night, only savoring the feeling of Jungwon holding you tightly, the last night of him being yours. Your best friend. Your first love.

Your Jungwon.

For the first time in 5 years you were apart for longer than a couple weeks. During this time the flowers started to wilt. You were grateful, ecstatic. Of course you missed Jungwon terribly, tuning in every Friday to support him. Eyes watering every time you watched him perform , pride prevailing over any negative emotions you could have as he confidently took the stage. When it was revealed he had made the debut team you had wailed, preening at your best friend's accomplishment knowing that his hard work paid off.

When Jungwon came home to visit your feelings were gone. You didn't feel the twisting in your chest when you hugged him, tucking your face into the crook of his neck as you both cried. Pulling away to look him in the face your heart didn't flutter at his smile, you only relished in the feeling that your best friend was back.

You thought your feelings had wilted into piles of dust and blown away. Not having seen him for months of course that'd be normal. You had thought your feelings were gone for good when you started to see him more frequently and they still hadn't returned.

You were wrong.

"Are you okay bugs?" Snapping out of your daze you realized that Jungwon was standing directly in front of you, one hand cupping your face and concern in his eyes. You nodded your head, cursing yourself for being getting so distracted.

"I'm fine bunny." His eyes scanned your face once before he leaned back, letting his hand linger.

"You know I just worry about you sometimes." Dropping his hand to his side he turned dramatically, switching the topic and gesturing at the box office in front of us. His manager was there waiting for us, underneath the gigantic sign for the zoo. "But I knew that you missed the zoo since we haven't gone in a long time. So I actually convinced management to rent it out for us for 2 hours."

Practically leaping into his arms you wrapped your arms around his neck, a huge smile spreading across your face. "Thank you thank you thank you!" Pulling away you saw his facial expression mimicking yours, dimples proudly on display and bunny teeth prominent.

"Come on, let's go." You giggled as you grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the gate. After getting your wrist bands - just for the experience - you downloaded the digital map and headed into the zoo ecstatic for your day with Jungwon.

♤♠︎♤

"Come on bugs, just look at the snake." You shook your head vehemently, trying to yank your hand free. His fingers only tightened around you wrist as he attempted to convince you to look at the giant snake in the glass enclosure merely 3 feet away from where you stood.

"Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Jungwon." You whined out his name, refusing his outrageous request.

Snakes were definitely a no for you. Especially a boa constrictor that can grow up to 13 ft long. The one they held in the exhibit was only 5 ft, but it could always become bigger. What would even need to get that big? Any animal that needs to be 5+ ft is a menace to society, and only here for evil. You'd already catered to Jungwon enough in this godforsaken reptile and amphibian section. The frogs were cute, absolutely adorable with their big glassy eyes, hanging on to the glass. Lizards weren't a big deal either, some of them over 3 ft long, lazing about their enclosure, enjoying the surprisingly warm Seoul day.

"Isn't this supposed to be a special day for me? Why would you make me see a stupid snake? They don't even have arms, that's so weird and creepy." Jungwon let out a laugh before pulling you over to him, a squeal leaving your lips as your back met his chest, and his arms wrapped around you. At the slightest display of affection you stopped fighting him, feeling the vines squeezing around your heart painfully, before he started to walk forward and you remembered where you were. Fighting for your life.

You tried to plant your feet in the ground to prevent Jungwon from forcing you to see the snake, but he only lifted your feet from the ground as you cursed the stupid Be:Lift gyms. His manager stared in amusement from the corner, his phone out to record the two of you and undoubtably show it to the rest of the members.

Another loud squeal left your mouth as Jungwon brought you right in front of the glass enclosure, the snake was sitting in the corner but slowly started moving towards the two of you, as if you had fascinated it. You turned your head, placing it in the crook of Jungwon's neck as you squeezed your eyes tight. Ignoring the fear that coursed through your body knowing that the snake was only separated by a thin layer of plexiglass.

"Bugs just look." You only shook your head, "I promise the snake won't hurt you as long as I'm here okay? You know I'll always protect you." Jungwon's soft voice cut through the fear, and you sighed knowing that you were falling into another one of his traps. You turned your head while taking a deep breath before opening your eyes, being met with the face of the snake.

With Jungwon's constant flow of reassurance in your ear you took a good look at the snake. The snake was against the glass, falling back down before slithering up again. Its eyes were wide open and almost looked like doe eyes, black and glassy as it stared at you. The scales were a pretty pastel yellow, mixed with white, resembling a banana cow. You were so distracted admiring the snake that you both jumped when his manager suggested you should get along, and walk further into the park. You felt your heart clench painfully as Jungwon stepped away from you, a blush running up his neck and spreading over his cheeks as he quickly walked to the next exhibit not bothering to wait for you.

♤♠︎♤

"I think this is the best friend date we've ever had." Jungwon spoke happily as you two walked out of the zoo gift shop, a red fox panda stuffed animal tucked safely in your arms. His treat since he refused to let you pull out your wallet and purchase it for yourself. You chose to ignore the flutter of your heart and rush of heat at the thought of this being a true date, your mind decidedly ignoring the word 'friend'. Your cheeks ached as you smiled. They've started to hurt after the amount of time spent joking and laughing while visiting the animals.

"It was. I really appreciated it. I've missed you, it's been so long since we've been able to hang out like this." Jungwon nodded in agreement, an uncharacteristically shy smile spreading across your face.

"Come on. The nights still not over, I have one more surprise for you." Jungwon tossed his arm over your shoulder as he led you to the car, excitement and surprise as you thought about what he could potentially still have planned.

Being ever the gentleman he opened the door for you, waiting until you were safely inside to close it and join you. His manager turned on the radio as he drove you two to the next destination.

"Don't tell me we're going to have to walk again? My feet are still dying from the zoo." Jungwon let out a laugh as he grabbed your hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it as he intertwined your fingers.

"We won't have to walk too much I promise. Just sit back and relax, it shouldn't take too long to get there." You nodded your head before quickly looking out of the window, no longer able to ignore it.

The vines grew in your chest, clenching painfully around your heart, writhing and squeezing like a boa constrictor trying to capture its prey, crawling up your throat making you resist the urge to gag. Lungs filling with petals that swirled and fluttered around with every breath until there were too many, leaving no room to move around, just clumping together as breathes became sickly. Until you could no longer resist the urge to cough.

The sound of you hacking and gagging, the sight of a worried Jungwon when the first petal comes out. Dark violet petals fluttering out with every spasm of your lungs, some full flowers with stems still attacked, coated with a thin layer of maroon liquid, staining the pretty petals and tinging your pink sweater with spots of red, the bitter taste of the flowers mixing with copper. Your throat sore as the taste of bile rose alongside the rest of the petals, finally emptying your lungs. Filling the car until there was no room to hide from it, hide from your feelings. Hide from the predicament that you were in, feelings for you best friend, the rookie idol.

How could you be so stupid to believe that you could hide it? You were always so easily exposed to Jungwon. He knew you better than you knew yourself. What if he already knew and was just biding his time before he left you, the thought of your feelings disgusting him, being too much for him? He could surely find another best friend, one who wouldn't fall for him.

But could that ever happen? Someone not falling for him. It's easy to fall for his eyes, chocolate eyes that always saw right through you. That knew when you weren't feeling good and were trying to hide it. Dark unruly hair, never easily tamed but was so silky when you ran your fingers through it. Despite being called bunny he practically purred whenever you did it, causing your face to burn at the feelings that always resurfaced. Caring nature that assured he'd become the leader of his group, always wanting to care for everyone around him and make sure that they were happy.

You don't think it'd ever be possible for someone to not fall for him.

"Are you okay bugs?" You blinked realizing that the car door was open, Jungwon standing in front of you with the same concerned look that made you feel ashamed, and yet warmed.

Glancing around you realized you had imagined the coughing fit, drowning in the sea of your own emotions and being buried under a mountain of petals. It was all in your imagination, hanahaki didn't exist. How could it? If it existed you would surely be dead.

Shaking your head you waved off the question, unbuckling your seatbelt and quickly hoping out of the van.

"Of course. I'm perfectly fine, just feeling a little tired I guess. Must've gotten lost in my thoughts. Anyway, where are we?" Jungwon raised a brow at your rambling, knowing you only did it when you were nervous before choosing to ignore it and grabbing your hand again. You hoped he couldn't feel how sweaty your palms were, nerves taking over you at the realization your feelings and thoughts had run away from you again.

"Well I wanted to do something really special for you," You shook your head before cutting Jungwon off.

"The zoo was perfect Jungwon, you don't have to do anything else. Today was perfect already." Jungwon shushed you as he led you into the building, his manager staying behind. Leading you to the elevators he pressed a button before getting on, waiting for the doors to close behind the both of you before he continued to speak.

"You've supported me throughout this whole journey. Pushing me to audition when I was too nervous, and didn't think that I would make it. When I got accepted into I-Land you supported me even when I was leaving you in the middle of the school year, texted me every night to let me know that you were watching and were always rooting for me. Knowing how proud I was making you when the thought of me debuting wasn't official helped me work harder, and continue to push myself," He got cut off as the elevator dinged, signaling that you were at your floor. Jungwon pulled you off the elevator towards a set of stairs that led to a door labeled roof. Jungwon turned towards you, his face deathly serious causing you to get a lot nervous at the sudden sober move.

"Before we go out there I just wanted to tell you that I am grateful that you are in my life. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you, constantly supporting me throughout everything. You are what has pushed me this far bugs, and I love you. You're my best friend and I owe you so much for constantly being there." You smiled, ignoring the pain in your chest. Of course he'd only think of you as his best friend, there's no way he'd see you as anything else.

"Of course Jungwon. You can't put it all on me, you worked hard to get to where you are. I'm proud of you because you constantly push yourself, not because you've been successful. You'll always be my Jungwon even if you wouldn't debuted with Enhypen, and I would've always been proud of you." Red dusted over Jungwon's cheeks as he smiled shyly, before opening the roof door and pushing you in front of him.

You were left speechless at the sight in front of you. Blankets laid out over the ground, picnic baskets placed in the middle to prevent the wind from blowing them away. Pastel pink flowers spread out being blown lightly by the wind but not leaving the roof. Fairy lights spread out emitting a soft golden glow barely recognizable under the setting sun. Clouds flitting over the pink, and orange sky. Adding on to the beautiful aesthetic of the set up.

What truly had your attention was the rest of his members standing around the blankets, signs being held out at arm's length. Their various expressions showed excitement, minus Niki who tried to look emotionally detached from the situation but was bouncing on his toes, practically jumping.

From tomorrow,

I'll protect you

All Day and Night

Now Lean on Me

Will you go out with me Bugs?

Hot tears pricked at your eyes, a thick lump in your throat growing. All of their expressions morphed into worry, Niki had even stopped bouncing on his toes, Heeseung glanced at Jungwon slight panic evident in his face. A loud sob left your mouth as you turned around and threw yourself onto Jungwon, tossing your arms around his neck. A nervous laugh left his mouth as he slid his around your waist, holding you almost protectively.

Jungwon pulled away from you, bringing his hands to cup your cheeks, attempting to wipe the river of tears away.

"These are happy tears right?" A weak smile spread across your lips, nodding slowly at him. Seeing his smile come back full force, dimples showing happily. Vines loosening around your heart for the first time in months, falling away as they disintegrated. Petals evaporating leaving behind only fresh air in your lungs, breathes flowing freely as you stared at Jungwon. Boba eyes staring back at you, only showing love. His thumbs stopped wiping as he leaned forward barely, glancing at your lips briefly.

"Can I kiss you?" You eagerly hummed, a soft yes being your answer.

Jungwon leaned forward, leaving space for you to back out if you were too overwhelmed. You met his lips, inciting cheers and groans from the members present, seeing their leader kissing his best friend. Your lips moved in sync, one more thing you guys did perfect together. You must admit, the taste of salt from your cheers, along with the dramatic cheers from his members did not make for the best first kiss experience. Especially for a first kiss that you had fantasized and imagined about for years.

Knowing that was only the first of many however, made it all the sweeter.

[bisexualwannabewriter]

Hi! Would you do Cassidy and #1 of your trope list? With a trans male reader if you're comfortable with that.

Hi anon ! This is very new to me, so I hope you'll like what I wrote. I apologize in advance if anything feels inaccurate or ... weird ? I really tried my best ! I love this character so much, so it was lovely to be able to put Cassidy in a story of mine.

Hope you'll enjoy anon ! :)

Proinsias Cassidy (Preacher) x trans male reader

1. I was a dead man before I met you, y/n. I couldn’t remember what being alive felt like. Now I do

tw : mentions of transitioning, Cassidy's self-loathing and bloody past, God, swearing, but overall fluffy wholesome shit with our favorite vampire !

Check out this post if you'd like me to write other stories with a specific character and trope ! :D

You had changed a lot over the last couple of months. You were a new person, and at the same time, not really. The world felt like it was different too. But you were you, you were exactly who you were supposed to be now. And you felt like everything around you was falling into place. And then there was him.

Being a trans man was fucking complicated sometimes. People were talking about it more, and it was nice to see people finally opening the conversation; but sometimes, you felt like trans men were a bit left out. You knew the world had such an intense obsession with feminine beauty. Those were things you were a little afraid to talk about. So much came with your transition, and it was important for you to have someone to check on you. You needed support, and Cass gave that to you. He let you go on lengthy rants about this, but also about anything else, really. He had this soft little smile on his face, as he let you externalize everything you had been scared to even mention to anyone else before, out loud.

That man was surprising, in the best ways possible, if you just let him. If you just believed in him. He didn't know why, but you did. He had been underestimated his entire life. He loved people who didn't love him back, who took him from granted. You didn't. You were so grateful for him. You had endless conversations about what it meant to be a man, to the both of you. You both challenged the idea of the perfect cis straight man, and took immense pride in that. He was unapologetically himself, and you loved him even more for that. You didn't think he really understood how much he meant to you. But you also talked about crazy conspiracy theories together, controversial opinions, God, people...

He harbored such a deep hatred for himself sometimes, it broke your heart. But all you saw in him was beauty. Sure, he had his flaws. Flaws that might be difficult to overlook for other people. Not for you. He was who he was, and you were who you were, and you accepted each other with an open heart. Cassidy thought you were the most wonderful person he had ever met in his life. He admired and respected you. He lived a long life, so that meant the world to you. He saw something special in you, in your soul, in your heart. He felt like he was broken beyond repear, and somehow you came into his life, shining light on the darkest parts of his story, his memories. You had a gift to see the good in the bad, and that saved his life.

Talking about certain parts of his past was difficult to him, you knew it was. Between his vampirism, what he did to his son Denis, his criminal record, his involvement as a freedom fighter for the Irish Republic, his brief affiliation with "Les Enfants du Sang"... It was a lot. It was especially difficult to talk about this couple he had met, a couple of years before everything. He was friends with them; Jesse Custer and Tulip O'Hare. He was his bestfriend, and she was - what he thought was - the love of his life. They went through a lot together, but eventually parted ways. He would never forget them, you knew that for sure. But you made things better. He was in a very dark place, before you met him. Saving someone was not on your list of things to accomplish at the time. You had to put yourself first. But being with him just made perfect sense. It worked. You didn't know how, but it worked.

One night, after a long debate on The Big Lebowski (he fucking hated that movie with a passion), he just layed there, in your arms, thinking. Cassidy talked a lot. A LOT. And yet you still knew that sometimes, he kept things to himself. His mind was in a constant turmoil, and you hoped your presence calmed it down. It did. Cass felt good. He loved being the little spoon. And then, he turned around, looked at you with his beautiful loving eyes, and told you something you would remember for the rest of your life, no matter how long or short it would be : "You'll never know how much I love you, y/n. You saved me without even trying to. You didn't have to. You just had to be... you. Honest to God... I tried, and I did crazy fucked up things, and I fell in love but... I was a dead man before I met you, y/n. I couldn’t remember what being alive felt like. Now I do. You make me feel more alive than I've ever felt before. I know why I'm still here. It was all worth it somehow, love. I'm finally where I need to be. I'm not too much, or not enough. I'm... here, with you."

You felt so much warmth inside your entire body. It almost felt like the warmth extended around you, and it trapped the both of you into a bubble that no one could ever burst. It was you and him, him and you. The world didn't have to understand. You two were all that mattered, and you were thankful for what he gave you. For what you gave him. For the rare treasure you were both sharing. You would never hurt him, as you knew he would never hurt you. You held him closer, simply telling him that you loved him, and that was enough for Cass.

He had everything he ever wanted right here, right now.

[dracosaurusrex]

Fireworks (pt. 2)

Summary: The kiss that was supposed to be practice ends up opening your eyes to the feelings that you hold for your best friend, and he for you. Glances, smiles, playful banter--they all change. Suddenly, Draco Malfoy isn’t the same boy you once knew and grew up with.

Genre: Fluff; Childhood friends-to-lovers

Wordcount: 3.5k

A/N: I hope you’re not tired of me posting ahaha. I’ve had this draft laying around all week, but I finally got to it thank to the headcanon requests! I hope you enjoy! Feedback is very much appreciated :)

Part 1

The world suddenly looked different--your world, that is. 

For eleven years, up until now, Draco took up a huge part of your life. Although he was notorious for his obnoxiousness, memories of your childhood were painted with boundless laughter, basking in the warmth of many summer suns, thrills of tomfoolery during lavish events, cozy winter nights with cups of hot chocolate in hand. Even in your most awkward moments, he was there through it all, providing moral support despite his prickly demeanor. 

He was the physical embodiment of a safety net, your safety net, and it remained that way throughout your three (going on to four) years of schooling at Hogwarts.

But now your world looked different. Now your cheeks flared at the sight of silvery eyes. Your heart beats flared with a flash of platinum blonde. The smirk that you were once so confident in returning now left you with a surge of butterflies. With the softness of his lips ingrained in your memory, every glance, every smile, every laugh that you’d share with your best friend ignited a fire within you.

It also didn’t help your cause when you overhear other girls talk about his handsomeness. You weren’t opposed to it before, but now you understood what they meant whenever they gossiped about his broad shoulders, his lean physique, the way the tone of his voice deepened pleasantly--heck, even his hands. All of those things that you never bothered noticing amplified the moment his lips parted from yours, and you didn’t like it one bit.

Draco Malfoy was supposed to be your annoying and slimy best friend—not the person who made your heart race. He was the one to tackle you in the mud—not the one you would ever picture yourself fantasizing about. 

You memorized the gaze the both of you had shared as he parted from your lips slowly, hesitantly. With the foreign expression plastered on his face, you knew from that very moment the boy in front of you wasn’t the same one you grew up with. Moreover, the emotions that arose from the thought of him were very questionable. They felt foreign and weird, and it scared you. Therefore, you did what anybody in denial would do--suppress the rosy palpitations, and carry along with your day.

It worked for a while except that in doing so, you had to avoid him. All conversations were kept short and straight to the point, time spent together was limited—it was to no surprise that you became distant.  Draco noticed this, although he tried to use anything but the kiss to justify the lack of interaction. The boy placed you on a pedestal. You were the epitome of dedication in his eyes. Your willingness to commit yourself to hard work was something he admired about you. He took pride in all of your accomplishments, while you in his, and he was eternally grateful that you stuck around despite his shortcomings. 

Perhaps that’s why it shocked him when he came to realize how pretty you’ve become. The baby fat that once occupied your cheeks melted away. Your hair, which was always messy from the frequent play dates, laid straight down your back, tucked neatly behind your ear on one side, while it flowed down naturally on the other. The mischievous glint in your eyes had transformed to one of elegance and poise. Furthermore, the lips that you left slightly chapped before, now took on a soft pink sheen accompanied with a velvety feel when pressed against his own. The kiss merely opened his eyes, to an attraction that budded within. One that, just like you, he was afraid of. 

‘Godric, Malfoy, stop it with the thoughts. Y/N’s your best friend!’ 

And maybe distance was what was needed for you both. ‘This is what’s best for our friendship.’ He’d think as he stared at you from afar. The smile plastered on your face was more than enough to reassure him that everything would be alright. You are Y/N after all.

However, time proved to be against as you began to drift away from one another with every passing week. The boy didn’t come back to your room, leaving you with mixed feelings of relief and disappointment. A part of you longed to feel him again, while another found it to be a disastrous idea. Nevertheless, with emotions of both parties submerged within, you resumed your days flipping through sheets of parchment, while Draco took it upon himself to find ways to get you out of his head. Amongst them all was the companionship of a familiar Pansy Parkinson. She always had feelings for the boy, although the time he spent with you made him oblivious to the fact. It was only until her recent closeness that he began to notice her. Her giddiness contrasted to yours, but the similarity of her character pulled him into her company. Soon enough, the sight of them laughing and conversing became more frequent in the common room, in the Great Hall, even sometimes as you passed them in the hallways. You’d never spare a glance, you wouldn’t allow yourself to. Yet, as your figure made its way to Draco’s eyes, he gazed at you with longing, his heart tightening ever so slightly as you walked by. 

Within your room, in the midst of stacked textbooks, piles of paper, and splattered ink stains, was a pain that seared through your chest. One that you had to keep hidden, merely for the fact that you didn’t know what to do with the feelings you bore inside. Your knee bounced in place while the grip on your quill loosened as Draco entered your thoughts once again. The scenarios playing in your mind grew progressively worse as images of the boy and the raven-haired girl proliferated your surroundings. Before you could wallow in your sadness, the sudden opening of your door startled you.

“Y/N!” A shrill voice occupies your ears as Draco walks into the room, once again, unannounced. It was just like the last time.

“When will you ever learn how to knock, Draco?” You brought your fingers to your temples, massaging them slightly.  “What is it now?” 

The sound of your annoyed voice, oddly enough, brought him a sense of reassurance. It was familiar, and although he wouldn’t admit it, it highlighted how much he missed you.

You turned yourself in your chair to face him as he sat himself on your bed. It was the first time in a long while that you looked at him directly in the eyes, suddenly remembering how silvery they were. You raised your brows towards him, lifting your chin momentarily to urge him to speak.

The words that he had formulated in his mind left him the minute he took in your features. You propped your arms on top of the head rest, fixating your cheek upon it. The action squished your lips into a small pout. The light emitted from the lake above brought a glow to your dark eyes as it pierced into his. You both allow a comfortable silence to situate, amplifying the sound of his heart beat as they chime against his ear. But, within the spur of the moment, he suppresses it once again. Tearing away from his thoughts, he recalls his reason for coming to you in the first place.

“I think I like Pansy Parkinson.” He says. You felt your expression drop slightly before forcing the ends of your lips into a smile.

“R-Really? I’m happy for you. It’s about time, honestly.” Your voice broke mid-sentence, and the lack of excitement didn’t go unnoticed by the boy in front of you. Your body language altered drastically--in one second you gazed at him with doe eyes only to be turned away, orbs glazed with what seemed like sadness, in the next.

“Yeah, thanks. I suppose she’ll be my proper first.” 

You chuckled, “Yeah, I suppose so.”  

“I hope she feels the fireworks.” You say. A brief memory crossed your mind as you looked at the small details of his shoes. You sucked the tears that glossed your vision before redirecting it to him, giving the most genuine smile you could conjure at the moment.The softness laced within your tone poked at the boy’s heart. Within that second, he envisioned the feel of your lips, creating hesitation towards the attraction he felt for Pansy.

“Maybe we could go on a..uh..double date? You can bring someone you’d like.” 

You lifted your hand at the suggestion, which was followed by a breathy laugh. 

“That’s where I have to draw the line, love.” 

He found it confusing, really. Here you were, sat before him, with a smile settling across your lips. Although he came to you to tell you about Pansy, the sight of you initiated flips in his chest. There was something in your aura that wasn’t present before. Not wanting to delve into it, he pushes the idea to the back of his mind for the third time that day.

“Oh, Y/N, don’t worry. You’ll get your real first kiss soon.” He says. It makes you roll your eyes.

“Enough, Draco. Like I said before, I’m not waiting for it.” A small, gentle smirk appears as he reaches out for your arms. With a firm grip, he makes you look at him.

“I never noticed before, but I suppose you’ve become beautiful these past years, Y/N. Any guy would be lucky to-”

“Stop. Stop. Stop.” At this point, heat had risen to your face, your smile suppressed into a firm line. “Really, Draco. I don’t need your pity, or whatever it is you’re doing right now.” 

“Can’t take the truth?”

“Isn’t Pansy waiting for you?” You stood up, and grabbed his arm, leading him to the hallway. It shocked him, but he couldn’t find the means to respond when your head was the only thing sticking out of your door.

“Tell me how the kiss goes, yea?” You threw him one last wink before locking the door behind you. Unbeknownst to the boy on the other side, you slid down, allowing the tears to fall. 

—

Dinner rolls around, followed by the late hours of the evening, early hours of the morning, a whole day, held together in repetition until a week passes since the moment you kicked the boy out of your confines. You cursed yourself for being ahead in your assignments, because now you were stuck with the immense discomfort that your crush had brought you. You never bothered involving anyone in your problems. Instead you opted to take on the burden for yourself, and hoped that the coming days would heal you. As a result, you found yourself walking along empty hallways and corridors with your heart in distraught, your mind lost in thought.

‘Stupid Draco. If only it weren’t for your stupid idea then maybe I wouldn’t grow to care so much.’ Your steps had a little more weight to them as you continued to wander around.

As soon as you were about to turn into another hallway, the sound of two familiar voices drove you to a halt. One belonged to the platinum-haired boy, and the other to Pansy. There were hushed giggles--they almost sounded flirtatious. You quieted your thoughts to listen in.

“You’re quite the charmer, Parkinson.” 

“I suppose I can say the same for you, Malfoy.” The feeling of your heart raging against your chest increased as the silence lingered on.

“Draco?” She asks.

“Yes?”

“Kiss me.” Before you could picture anything more, you walked away, using your hand to cover the gasp that tried to escape from your mouth. Hot tears streamed down your face as the pain from heartbreak coursed through you. You brought this upon yourself. You shouldn’t have said yes.

Oblivious to your presence, Draco kissed Pansy with much confidence in what you had taught him, with much confidence that he’d feel the fireworks. But when he didn’t feel anything, he was brought to a state of confusion. He liked her, right? Right? Yet the feel of her lips wasn’t the same. It was firmer, more stiff, and it lacked the warmth that accompanied yours. 

Yours. 

Yours. 

Yours.

With his eyes still closed, lips parted from the girl’s, he began to envision you. He leaned in once more with your image in mind, capturing her into another kiss. It still didn’t feel the same, but the you in his thoughts elicited the fireworks in his chest. All the memories he spent with you growing up flashed through his conscious until a recent memory of that fateful day resurfaced. He didn’t like Pansy. Sure, he was attracted to her, but she didn’t come close to you. He was sure of that. In that moment, he knew that it was you.

He parted from her abruptly the second time around. His expression was painted with shock as he loosened his grip from the girl’s face. She saw the way his eyes widened--not out of awe, but rather out of realization. It didn’t take her long to realize that the girl that occupied his heart wasn’t her.

“You thought of Y/N, didn’t you?” She said hesitantly. When she didn’t hear an objection coming from him, she flashed a lopsided smile. 

“I-I’m sorry, Pansy.” Draco’s shoulders slumped over. She gripped them in a comforting manner.

“Don’t be, Draco. If it makes you feel any better, this only helped me confirm that I probably don’t like boys in that way.”  She chuckled. The look he gave her only made her shrug before they broke out in laughter.

“Who is it?”

“Luna Lovegood.”

“Oh goodness,” He covered his red-clad face, “What do I do with Y/N?”

“She’s your best friend, right? Do what you normally do.” She pauses as she rubs his back, “If you go now, you might catch her before dinner.” Draco didn’t waste a second to bolt off and find you. It was his sole purpose of his life at that point. He had to tell you. He couldn’t bear to keep it in, pretending that it wasn’t there. He needed to feel you again, to hold you in his arms, to share the laughs, the joy--he needed you by his side.

--

The sun was setting by the time you settled for a seat in the courtyard. Broad rays of gold and orange painted the stone-clad floors as you look at the landscape in the distance. The tears that had streaked your face dried, and your heart rested in ease. There was no denying your feelings anymore. You fell for your best friend, maybe much harder than you had initially thought. 

A sigh escapes you as the scenery brings you peace of mind. Off in a distance, footsteps could be heard, growing louder as they neared you. You felt beats skip once again at the chances that it might be Draco. Instead, you were met with Cedric Diggory. 

A warm, polite smile greeted you, “Mind if I sit here?” He asks. You nod as he settles in the seat beside you.

“A beautiful sunset isn’t it? I always thought Hogwarts looked beautiful in gold.”

“You’re not wrong.” You peeked once more at the sun set before turning your vision towards him. 

“What brings you here Y/L/N?”

“I needed to take my mind off of some things.” Cedric, who was nothing but kind and welcoming, made it easy for you to open up. You didn’t expect to tell him anything, but he proved to be a good listener--offering his say when needed, keeping quiet as you continued to vent. It reminded you of Draco. It reminded you most especially of the times in your life when all you needed was someone to listen, and it was him to fill that role. Every single time. As the conversation drawled on, the platinum-haired boy occupied your thoughts. There was a fine line between the company both had kept, and you missed him.

“You know, Y/N, it’s never good to bottle things in. Especially when it comes to your best friend.”

“I know...I just don’t want to ruin this any more than it already has.”

“Well maybe right now is a good place to start.” You looked at him only to see his line of sight directed forward. You followed it, only to trace it back to a furious-looking Draco Malfoy. Cedric stood up and turned to you.

“I wish you luck.” The sweet smile on his face was capable of fooling the boy standing at a distance. You return your thanks before he steps away, leaving you alone to refocus your attention to your best friend. 

Draco, with his lips pulled into a frown, marched his way to where you are, and harshly pulled you up by the wrist. You didn’t have time to retaliate, giving him the opportunity to drag you into a secluded hallway, away from the eyes of other students.

“Did I just see you flirting with Cedric Diggory?” His tone, cruel and cold, made your blood boil.

“What does it matter to you?” The boy furrowed his brows at you.

“You’re my best friend, of course it matters to me!”

“Well not everything I do is not always your business! In fact, shouldn’t you be with Pansy right now? Stop bugging me, and go to your girlfriend!” You poured out the pain and frustration you kept inside, while Draco absorbed everything you had to offer. This wasn’t exactly how you envisioned the conversation to play out. As the exchange continued to play out, you both unknowingly stepped closer to one another.

“We’re not together!” He shouts, flailing his arms. You staggered back for a second, shocked at his response. 

“I-I thought...But I saw you! She asked you to kiss her!” You pointed an accusatory finger at the boy as he closed his eyes in annoyance. When he opened them, he pulled your wrist, and brought you closer to him. The gaze that he set on you was intense and filled with passion--it was the same look he gave you when you shared your first kiss. 

“I did,” You tried tugging yourself at the sound of his voice, only to make him grip you tighter. “I did, but I didn’t feel the fireworks.”

“What?” Draco let out a smile in response to the awe within your voice.

“It was only when I thought about you that I felt them. I’m stupid, I know--you know.” You softened your eyes.

“What are you trying to say, Draco Malfoy?” Before he responds, he loosens his hold, and intertwines his fingers into yours.

“That day, when we practiced--I felt it then. The fireworks. It was only with you.” Your heart has been through it today, but for the first time it erupts in sheer joy and relief. 

“I felt it too.” The statement you made was quiet, but it was genuine, it was heartfelt, and it was enough for Draco to pull you into a hug.

“I love you, you know that?” He whispers into your ear.  You chuckle, all the tension that has built up is swept away as you gingerly wrap your arms around his waist.

“Because we’re best friends or... as lovers?” He doesn’t respond right away. Instead he caresses your face and sweeps the loose strands of hair to the side. You allow your eyes to flutter closed to relish his gentle touch.

“Both.” Without much left to be said, he presses his lips against yours. The feelings, the fireworks--they’re all exactly like the first, if not even better. However, this time there was something more. With every kiss he plants on your lips is an overflow of emotions you never saw coming. His hands travel up against your sides, settling on the small of your back before flushing your body against his. In turn, you wrap your arms around his neck, allowing the kiss to open up even more. Fingers entangle the hair of each lover as longing flows through the intimate form of communication.

“Draco?” You ask, breaking away slightly. No response. Within the next second, you find your lips to be caught in his again.

“Yes?” The feel of him was so addicting that your question got lost in thought. It was only until you felt his hand going lower, giving your ass a soft squeeze, that you pulled away flustered. With a laugh spilling out of your lips, you send the boy a playful slap on his chest. He brought his hand back up slightly, allowing it to linger just a couple inches above the part of your body he was so tempted to grab. He looked at you with a goofy smile on his face. 

“I can’t believe you’re the boy I grew up with.”

“It is I,” He pecks your lips, “in the flesh.” With a final peck, he leans his forehead against yours. The silence that follows soon after is filled with peace. All the conflicted emotions vanish completely as you find one another in each other’s arms. 

“Y/N, my lovely lovely best friend, will you be my girlfriend?”

“Gladly.”

A/N: Hehe thank you for reading if you made it this far! I hope you have a wonderful day <3 Once again, feedback is very much appreciated!

Tagging:

@beiahadid @hahee154hq @mushi98 @stretchyice @dracosathenaeum @dreaming-about-fanfictions @saby06143 @rottenhexrt @littlethie @amithatemo @drxcomvlfx @svturtles @xoxohollands 

[amygdalagustd]

Kim Namjoon on Identity

Namjoon explores the concept of identity time and time again in his life and in his music. He tends to focus on how different parts of himself might be in conflict with each other, and the tensions and confusion that goes with that experience. People are filled with duality, sometimes to the point that it tears us apart. The question of “who am I?” seems a simple one, but underneath it lies a lot of complexity. Who do I want to be? Who do other people want me to be? How much of my identity is formed by my past? Can I change who I am? Can I be multiple things at the same time? Who is the real me? What does it even mean to be the real me?

The question of “who am I?” seems to both fascinate and terrify Namjoon. In this essay we will tackle the question together as I explore all the different ways that Namjoon contemplates identity in lyrics and interviews.

From his decision to become a rapper in the first place to the struggle of taking care of himself as a world famous idol to the questioning of what having an identity actually means, we will travel through Namjoon’s career and highlight all the moments that he asks himself:

“Who the hell am I?”

It’s no secret that Namjoon was a very intelligent and driven student who got good grades in school. In his earlier lyrics he often writes about the pressure that was put on him to succeed and follow a certain path in life. As someone who was good at studying it was expected of him to prioritize his education above all else. Namjoon fit into that role well, but behind the scenes his heart was longing for music. He discovered rap and decided that he wanted a different path for his life. BTS’s early work is filled with messages of following your dreams and not letting other people decide what type of life you want to live. Namjoon often talked about the struggles of living in between the expectations of those around him and his own desires for his future. Some of those conflicting feelings are expressed in Voice, the intro song to his 2015 mixtape RM:

Straight A student and underground rapper

I occupied myself all day with being graded with meaningless numbers like beef gets graded

I just wanted to succeed

because that’s the only thing I was told by others so much that I almost got sick of it

The mirage called happiness- I thought it would be held there

But, sitting at my desk, I was never happy, not for a single moment

I secretly hid a blank sheet of paper between the pages of my study book without my mom’s knowing

My identity that I wrote down along the sound of drums and bass

The feeling of breathing that is different from that of receiving grade reports

Even when I was the top of my class, my mind was never at ease

Is it absolutely necessary to want something that others want?

I secretly raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

I again raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

He also touches on the subject in Born Singer, which was released in 2013:

To be honest, I was scared that I was to prove myself after talking big

that I, who used to know only pen and book, was then to surprise the world

I dunno, that I and the world’s expectations are too asymmetric,

I was scared that I might betray everyone who trusted me

I stretch my burdened shoulders and step onto the very first stage

BTS and Namjoon will continue to talk about the pressure of society's expectations and the difficulty of following your own path in songs like No More Dream, N.O and School of Tears. Fighting back against the oppressive school system is a huge part of their message and mission in their early career. They ask their fans and themselves to look at the person that they are expected to become and question if that image is in line with their own dreams and desires. Namjoon wrestled with this question himself, and therefore has the experience and passion to guide others who might be struggling with their identity and the identity that is put on them.

Idol and artist

The concept of being an idol vs being an artist is one that comes back often in BTS lyrics. Namjoon is an underground rapper who ended up in a boyband, and the identity of being an idol is one that he has wrestled with quite a bit. Can you be both an idol and an artist? Does becoming an idol mean that you have to give up on being an artist? Does it matter if you call yourself an idol or an artist? Does it matter what other people say about it?

Namjoon mentions this conflicting identity in Awakening on his 2015 mixtape RM:

Every night I fight myself inside me

My heart pounds, and my colleagues stab me in the back

saying I became a cripple after going into a company

Yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah i’m an idol

I hated it at one time but now I love to get that title

Unlike some keep denying [their identity] to the end on television,

I now fully accept myself, and I just do me

Whether I’m an idol or an artist- it actually never mattered

The way you guys look at me was what defined me

I was obsessed over titles and hung up on how people described me

Listen to the rap of the guy who became a bit smarter as time passed

Namjoon gets shit for being an idol from the underground rap scene and gets shit for being an artist from the idol scene. He is hovering in between, writing his rap lyrics with the power and authenticity of a hip hop artist while simultaneously dancing and looking like a full fledged boyband member. He responds to this dilemma with unwavering pride, the drive to prove himself and a fuck you attitude. This energy dominates a lot of early BTS music. They are still trying to find their place in the industry while not really knowing where exactly they belong. Songs like the Cyphers and Mic Drop highlight the anger they feel about the mistreatment they face from both sides of the industry while boasting about their accomplishments and pride in who they are. Just like Namjoon in Awakening, Yoongi also often mentions his struggles with the identity of being an idol in his solo work. In Idol, the title track of the 2018 album Love Yourself: Answer, BTS face the subject head on:

You can call me artist

You can call me idol

Or you can call me anything else

I don’t care

I’m proud of it

I’m free

No more irony

Because I’ve been me all the time

You can point your fingers at me, I don’t care at all

Whatever reason you have to denigrate me,

I know what I am

I know what I want

I never gon’ change

I never gon’ trade

Why do you talk loud “blah blah”

I do what I do, so mind your own business

You can’t stop me loving’ myself

Idol is a proud, joyful, wonderfully weird and confident self love anthem. It’s a celebration of who BTS are at their core. In the song, they have accepted all the different aspects of their identity and they don’t feel the need to fit in with just one label. In the future, they will go on to say that BTS’s genre is just BTS, and they see no point in categorizing themselves.

RM and Namjoon

In 2018, BTS released a documentary series called Burn The Stage. The series followed them throughout the Wings tour and was supposed to show a more raw version of them.

In episode 6, Namjoon said:

Being an idol star, you don’t have a choice but to have two identities. I invested a lot in my identity as BTS and RM, and this is really a dilemma. We need to find ways to overcome this, and I’m trying different things. I study, I read books. I need time to be wholly me, the original me that I know.

Everyone in BTS has a stage name, a person they become when they present themselves in front of their fans. On stage Namjoon is RM, a fierce and confident rapper, a powerful and charming performer, a dependable leader and someone who lives a fiery and intense life.

Behind the scenes, Namjoon is Namjoon, a man in his twenties who is trying to figure out how to be an adult just like everyone else. He likes to go on bike rides, take care of plants, go to museums, read books and spend time in nature. He gets lazy and reads webtunes for 5 hours straight and sometimes argues with the people around him because they annoy him.

Namjoon spends the years of his youth as part of BTS, in the public eye, and sometimes that causes tension between these different parts of himself; the stage persona and the private person. In Break The Silence: The Movie which came out in 2020, there was a lot of talk about identity. During one of Namjoon’s segments he said:

There is also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, the Kim Namjoon as a person. Aside from money, fame, and a sense of calling, what do I really have? When you have those things all other things start to feel really valuable. Those who don’t have them would find them really special. I think it’s a repetition of that, so for me, there is a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.

He also mentions this dilemma in Airplane pt.2 on the 2018 album Love Yourself: Tear where the lyrics go:

Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM?

25, I still don’t know how to live well

For Namjoon and anyone in BTS, there is no simple answer to this question, as the nature of their job puts them in a position that makes it hard for them to develop a sense of self outside of the work they are doing. Even though Namjoon is part of an incredibly successful band, that doesn't mean he got it all figured out. As he has poured his youth and his energy into becoming the best performer he can be, he now feels like the Kim Namjoon behind the scenes deserves some energy and space to exist too.

Rap Monster and RM

Before Namjoon was RM, Namjoon was Rap Monster, a stage name that he used until November of 2017. The name Rap Monster fits the fierce and somewhat angst-ridden style of music that Namjoon was making in the beginning of his career. He decided to move on from the name in 2017 because it was no longer representative of him and the music that he was making.

In an interview with Entertainment Tonight Namjoon said that RM could stand for many things. He mentioned Real Me as one of the possibilities, but seems to prefer not to pin one specific meaning to the name.

In another interview with J-14 Magazine when asked what kind of advice he would give to himself in 2013, he said:

Hey Namjoon, Don’t name yourself Rap Monster. You’re a human. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful human.

Namjoon has often said that one of his missions in life is to love himself. This struggle to love himself often reflects in his lyrics, and now also in his decision to change his stage name, as the old one had some negative connotations to it. Perhaps Namjoons struggle with self acceptance, self worth and self love is one of the reasons that identity is such a big theme for him, as he is trying to figure out how to be a Namjoon that he can love. RM is a stage name that is more aligned with that goal as it leaves more room for flexibility and change.

Map of the Soul

The subject of identity is explored to the fullest in the Map of the Soul era that started with Map of the Soul: Persona in 2019, followed up by Map of the Soul: 7 in 2020.

Map of the Soul is inspired by the ideas of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. The words persona, shadow and ego that are used in Map of the Soul come directly from his theory. BTS uses these concepts to examine different parts of themselves and their career over time. A lot of this era feels like a final examination of the question that Namjoon has been asking himself in different ways throughout his entire career: Who am I?

In Intro: Persona, the opener to both albums, Namjoon writes about his journey with identity in the first few lines of the song:

“Who am I,” a question that I’ve been asking myself for my whole life

A question that I will probably never be able to find the right answer for

If I were answerable with only a few words,

God wouldn’t have created all those many beauties

Namjoon realizes that he will probably never have a clear answer to the question of “who am I?” and he accepts that. He recognizes that his identity can’t be summed up by a few words or traits and that this isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it can feel more secure to build our entire sense of identity around one aspect of ourselves (I am a straight A student, I am an underground rapper) but that puts us in a position without flexibility and without space for growth. As different parts of ourselves clash with each other we end up feeling scattered, unsure of who we are, and angry at ourselves. It’s only when those different parts of ourselves are allowed to co-exist that we can find peace and a true sense of self.

BTS will talk about this idea in other songs too, like in Idol, where Taehyung sings:

There are tens and hundreds of myself within me

Today, I greet my another self

They are all me after all,

so I just run rather than worrying

The notion also comes back in the speech that BTS held for the United Nations in 2018. The final message of that speech was to find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. There was a lot of talk about losing your identity as a young child in favor of fitting in, and Namjoon encouraged everyone to be their own person and to find their own voice back. Throughout the speech he mentions how he is both an idol and artist, Kim Namjoon and RM, and also just an ordinary 24 year old guy. He is saying that he can be many things at once and strives to love all those different parts of himself at the same time.

In the final verses of Intro: Persona, Namjoon boldly and confidently claims that he is no longer ashamed of the different parts inside of him, writing:

Yeah my name is R

The ‘me’ who I remember and who people know

The ‘me’ who I created by myself to speak my mind

Yeah, I might have been deceiving myself, I might have been lying

But, I’m not ashamed of it, this is the map of my soul

The lyrics continue, focusing on duality, complexity and balance within his identity, accepting the different parts of himself that coexist together even if they clash:

Dear myself

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold

Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes pretend I’m evil,

this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set

The ‘me’ who I want to be

The ‘me’ who people want

The ‘me’ who you love

And the ‘me’ who I craft

The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now

Within these lyrics there is a tone of direction and intent rather than one of being lost and questioning. This tone is very strong throughout the entire Map of the Soul concept, especially in ON, suggesting that maybe “finding” your identity isn’t about anxiously defining every single part of your personality, it’s more about choosing who you want to be and boldly pursuing the world as an incomplete human being. In the end, there is no simple answer to the question of “who am I?” and that’s okay.

All lyrics translations come from Doolset. Visit the website for additional notes and interpretations of BTS lyrics.

[shingia]

hey first i just wanted to say that i really love ur writing and ur page i’ve been reading it a lot and i just really like ur writing style! i was wondering if you could do hc’s for the boys comforting a s/o with depression? i’ve been really struggling lately :/ and if possible could you maybe do kenma, hinata and suga? or any one of them or the others! they don’t have to be long if u don’t want, thank u so much♥️♥️

𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐬/𝐨 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧

ok uh storytime real quick : i just spent about twenty minutes crying in my bathroom and i was about to keep doing that in my bed because what else would i do?:) and just as i was getting to the part where i start aggressively hating all my work here : THIS MESSAGE ? yeah no i started ugly crying 🤧 (happy tears dw)

i rly hope these hcs will bring you as much comfort as you brought me, because whew i am 🎶🎸emotional tonite🎸🎶. anyways i’ll stop talking now : thanks again, i love you and here’s a forehead kiss for you <33

warnings : mention of depression

⇀ 𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐦𝐚 

• kenma wants to be for you who kuroo has been for him, and he’s probably the most attentive of the three because of the similarities with his social anxiety

• for example, he has developed a sixth sense that lets him know when a wave of sadness isn’t far ; and if you’re in public then he’ll have absolutely no problem with ditching everyone to take you away, focusing on you and only you

• honestly he doesn’t even need to talk to make you feel better, his presence alone is already really comforting

• kenma also refuses to sleep before you, because he doesn’t want you to be alone with your thoughts while he’s sound asleep and, therefore, useless

• kenma’s cuddles are usually passive but comfort cuddles ? much more active. back strokes, tight hugs, or just talking about your feelings, telling you about his day…

• oh and also : ♪ shouuulder kisses ♪

• when cuddling, his cats are never far, usually nestling against you to take a nap - they’re almost as soothing as him

• he probably has two or three comfort video games and he’ll offer you to play with him if he senses you need to clear your mind

• this might sound weird but kenma ‘respects’ your tears? like, he’s not the kind of guy that will immediately try to wipe them away, he knows the benefits of a good cry - and he’d prefer to let your body express itself rather than try to repress it

• i feel like he’d buy you little plants to put in your room, that way you have something to care for and it might be a motivation to get out of bed in the morning (bonus point if one of them is named kenma)

⇀ 𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐚

• hinata is terrified at the thought that he might not know how to properly comfort you, but trust me : he’s really good at it

• just listening to him talk makes it seem like absolutely nothing in this world is impossible. he’s like the embodiment of hope

• i think we can all agree on the fact that his bed is probably really plain and, let’s just say it, boring ; except for the fluffy blanket he bought for you (poor natsu probably thought it was for her)

• and you’re always comfortably swathed in this blanket every time you watch a movie together ; he loves to hold you like a burrito (probably buys himself another one because he really wants to burrito with you is that a verb?)

• he heard that making you list five things you like about yourself could help, and if you don’t know what to say then he’ll gladly do it for you until you start to come up with things of your own

• but hinata doesn’t stop at five things. he’ll list dozens and dozens because complimenting is second nature for him

• so yeah overall expect many many words of encouragement. you’re one of his greatest prides and he wants you to know it

• as cheerful and energetic hinata can be, he also knows when to get serious and just sit down and listen to you opening up about how you feel

• and if you start crying, he’ll have you scrunch your knees up to your chest, hold your whole body at once and rock you in his arms slowly. he likes to think of himself as some kind of human shield

⇀ 𝐬𝐮𝐠𝐚

• he tries to get you out in the fresh every two days or so, even if it’s only for a few minutes spent sitting in front of your place or his, he’s just glad that he could get some fresh air into your lungs

• he makes you promise to call him or at least text if you need to talk at anytime of day or night

• and if you ever do call him in the middle of the night, he will sound perfectly awake and fresh as a daisy. you’re not and will never be a bother for him

• also, he always ALWAYS calls you after practice, especially if school work makes it impossible for him to physically check on you

• suga tries to create little events you can look forward too. nothing elaborate, maybe just text you that he’ll cook you your favorite meal for dinner, and then show up holding three grocery bags full of your fav snacks and drinks

• he celebrates every single one of your accomplishments : you studied for a test even if you didn’t feel like it ? he’s proud of you ; you tidied up your bedroom ? he’s also proud of you

• overall suga really wants you to feel safe with him, he wants you to know that you’ll never ever be judged. and that’s why he probably opens up about his own struggles too, to let you know that it’s ok to be vulnerable

• on days where you really don’t feel like going out of bed, he’s ready to spend hours repeating you the most reassuring and comforting words until you’re ready to move to the kitchen and drink some water/eat something or just stretch your legs for a bit

• and if he manages to get a few smiles or even chuckles out of you, then he’ll be the happiest man

@catwithangerissues