#but it does mean that that he is intentionally rather ordinary and his story more closely resembles a fairy tale rather than an epic legend

[four-rabbits-in-a-trenchcoat]

Obligatory and quite pertinent

[twst-hottest-takes]

I don't know how much of a hot take this is, but I really hate Rookvil or is it Vilrook...? Either way I don't like Rook and Vil as a couple.

I love both of them as characters (Even though book 5 did Vil so so dirty imo), and on paper they're perfect together. Vil has a passion for beauty and perfection, Rook also has a passion for beauty and arguably life in general.

However, what gets me is Rook does not care about Vil at all. Like in Vil's lab outfit, Rook critizes Vil's weight (invalidly imo), which sends Vil into a downward spiral. And then in Rook's lab outfit, Rook is like "Yeah, the whole point of me joining the science club was to produce pictures for your Vil." Meanwhile he's making goo goo eyes at Leona out the window! LIKE SIR STOP!

Though this extends past outfits, this even happens in book 5. Now I'm not saying Rook was wrong for choosing Neige over Vil, but I'm not saying he's right either. Because if we're honest here, who would date Rook after that? I'm actually shocked the group didn't jump him.

Now, if this ship was just a fandom thing, I'd be fine with it. I already don't ship a lot of popular ships in the fandom, and I'd be willing to look past it. However, I was getting bored waiting for more book 7 content, so I went looking around for spoilers as one does, and I see Rook loves both Neige and...VIL???

Now this shouldn't come as a surprise considering, Vil and Rook were low-key flirting in book 6, and Epel was supportive of it, even though I was gagging the whole time because Jesus Christ I have never seen two characters have less chemistry. I honestly don't ever think I've seen Vil and Rook have such positive interactions before book 6, so it felt like whip lash.

And seeing the book 7 spoiler was like getting hit over the head with a frying pan when you're least expecting it. I just feel like maybe Vil does care about Rook, but I've never felt like Rook cared about Vil. Before I knew he was rich, I just thought he was a smooth talking poor boy, who occasionally acted nice to Vil to get closer to Neige, who he really wanted to be with this whole time.

Pomefiore once again goes hard on being inconsistently characterized.

I don't have much to say about the ship itself, but I can see where you're coming from. Rook is an unfortunately written character. As I understand it his thesis is that he is a lover and hunter of all things beautiful. That's a simple enough statement on its own and can be used to either defend or attack pairing him with Vil. The story seems to want us to believe that Rook has a special affinity for Vil in particular even though he is not always what Rook views as "the most beautiful," and anon rightfully calls his loyalty and true feelings into question as a result. There are times where Rook isn't willing to favor Vil despite being one of the closest to him, and I can see how someone might take that as a cue that he doesn't especially care about his housewarden and be completely turned off to them as a more intimate pair.

There are some points to this take's argument that I don't agree with however. For example, I don't think how Rook looks at Leona here is meant to have nearly the same meaning as his stated love for Vil or Neige. In early vignettes there is a much stricter sense of Rook as a hunter as opposed to just a seeker of beauty. I believe how he looks at Leona is meant to be intentionally perverse. He seems to view the beastmen, mermen, and even fae as possible quarries and he revels in the idea of how he would "catch" them like he would an ordinary animal. This is an element of Rook that is muddied as the emphasis on "beauty" takes the forefront and his initial impression of being rather creepy is swept under the rug. That is one of my greater criticisms of Rook's writing as a character and is something I would take a deeper look at in a proper character analysis.

Thank you for your take!

(It was only a matter of time before we got a ship based take. By the by, I always thought it was called VilRook but there is evidence to say people just use one or the other name depending on a person's preference.)

[theangelwithawand]

Like Giants

Humans, Gods, and the Timelord caught between them:

AKA the beautifully optimistic view of humanity by a Time Lord

Nine says he would make a very bad God. Ten says a Time Lord with too much power would become vengeful.

They’re both right.

Time Lords are alluded to as very uncaring, very aloof people. By the Time War, they are apparently just as bad as the Daleks. The Doctor runs from them for a reason.

Because when they are Gods they are terrifying. But the Doctor’s terror always stems from too much emotion rather than too little. The end of Dalek is Nine’s darkest moment. He holds a gun on Rose while she is showing mercy because of the traumatic loss of Gallifrey.

Loss makes Ten in particular…frightening. After losing Rose he nearly commits genocide again in the Runaway Bride.

The moment of Godlike arrogance in “Christmas Invasion” where he changes the known future of Harriet Jones’ tenure has devastating consequences, allowing the Master to come to power. It’s a great reminder of what happens when the Doctor is given too much power.

The Time Lord Victorious is terrifying because it is the Doctor losing everything over and over after rebuilding himself twice.

For the first time, the Doctor feels like he is owed something.

But what is also terrifying is just how human the selfishness is.

—————

Of course there are moments when they are presented as Godlike that are purely heroic.

Ten’s in particular stand out against his almost unnerving humanity.

I love his “I’m the Doctor” speech in Voyage of the Damned. It’s clearly him doing the equivalent of psyching himself up before a game, because nothing he says is going to mean anything to the people he’s protecting. It’s a short, simple moment holding so much weight.

Nine has a wonderful way of pointing out the best of humanity to help Rose discover space to find empowerment, just as Ten does for Donna. Nine does it for the couple in Father’s Day. There’s a wistful, non-malicious envy in his reaction to the magically mundane story of how the couple in the church met.

Ten takes this wistfulness and runs with it. There’s something so beautiful and so deeply tragic that he is the Doctor who chooses shoes meant specifically for running.

There’s this sense with Ten that he not only loves humanity, but desires to be human. From embracing certain forms of domesticity, to the devastating way he processes grief.

Obviously, he knows when he is weird, he also just doesn’t care about social niceties. However, he might be a genius, but he doesn’t understand every intricate detail of human experience.

Although it’s usually called out for comedy, it’s best utilized for drama.

Nine has that beautiful “It was scared!” moment.

Sometimes it’s given less focus, and simply slipped into dialogue.

Nine calls humans stupid apes in high stress situations, and apparently he insults species when he’s upset. Even Ten, who is known to love humanity, also pretty regularly disparages them. In his first appearance he calls us monsters. He makes one-off comments disparaging humans in Rise of the Cyberman, Army of Ghosts, 42, Human Nature. and the Poison Sky.

Planet of the Ood is one of the rarer times that he goes out of his way to highlight human cruelty to Donna.

————

Series 3 has lot of interesting moments.

In “Smith and Jones” he has a long scene which he (intentionally) pretends to be human. He creates this domestic fantasy where he’s got a wife and a home where he brings people round for dinner. Even more interesting is that this is his suggestion to “help” the villain appear more human.

In Human Nature we see the Doctor literally become a human. He falls in love and allows himself to be a product of the times. His moments of heroism are supposed to be the Doctor leaking through, but are passed over off as “ordinary humans being capable of extraordinary things”. He also allows himself to be swept up by the environment as opposed to standing against it as the Doctor would. John Smith’s incredibly horrible treatment of Martha being the prime example.*

His stoic and remorseless punishment of the Family contrasts with his mostly sweet human persona. He tries to convince Joan that he’s capable of the same love and compassion but she disagrees. I agree with her, I think John Smith and The Doctor both want to be in love, John just didn’t have all the emotional inhibitions that the Doctor does.

She also points out the Doctor’s failure to account for possible casualties just so he doesn’t have to have more death on his conscious. Once again, I agree, this was a massive oversight on his part.

————

Midnight. This episode is genius for so many reasons. It is the Doctor’s most dire misunderstanding of humanity, as well as the Doctor’s most personal look at being on the receiving end of humanity’s worse impulses. He begins socializing like a normal, if enthusiastic person. But once the mystery begins…it is the best, most subtle example of the Doctor’s pathological need to understand things and his tendency to assume authority over others. Only this time he goes too far. His leadership turns to hubris. So many times, he goads people into risking their life to sate his curiosity. He knows humans are curious and takes advantage.

He keeps talking to the entity but declares no one else should. Part of it is that human bit, curious and wanting to help a possessed Skye who he bonded with earlier by talking about missing Rose. The rules keep changing though, and even he is scared. They call him out for his hubris, while growing increasingly paranoid, especially when discovering he’s not human. He gets frustrated at the descent into the worst of humanity and without thinking, he snaps “because I’m clever!”

He knows what he’s done so impulsively: thrown away the last bit of goodwill he had. He can’t talk his way out anymore.

And this is the most alone and most afraid the Doctor has ever been. It’s the most horrific near-death encounter for him: his inability to be enough like the humans he loves brings the absolute worst out of them.

—————

The Doctor says that it something human to believe two contradictory things at once.

The Doctor, ironically enough, believes two contradictory things about humans.

He believes, at least when disappointed in them or in his lowest points, that humans are monsters. (It’s the reason Fourteen gives that randomly cynical speech in The Giggle. It isn’t all humanity he believes this of. He’s talking to himself because he’s mid breakdown. He’s not 10, he’s softer and more splintered).

But he doesn’t believe that. Not really.

“I was made homeless…and there was the Earth.” - Voyage of the Damned

There’s a reason that the Doctor who has all of time and space always returns to Earth.

In the End of Time, Ten and Wilf have a scene where they sit and talk about their relationship and war and Time Lords.

And the Doctor tells Wilf he’d be proud to be his son.

It’s the Doctor’s most intensely vulnerable moment. He is so terrified that he agrees to carry a gun. (He also does this to make Wilf feel better. This is the last era that I feel understands how The Doctor feels about guns. It makes sense to the character and the arc he’s on at this point and this point only. He doesn’t even use it and ultimately won’t do anything against the enemies he’s facing).

This scene strips down the Doctor like no other scene. And it’s in this scene that the Doctor tells us the only thing you need to know in the end about how he sees humans. How for all he says otherwise, humans are the beings he sees as aspirational, the ones he, a Time Lord, looks up to.

Wilf says, “We must look like insects to you.”

Ten smiles tearful but genuine. He shakes his head slightly. And he says:

“I think you’re like giants.”

[mylordshesacactus]

Goals Only Matter In Soccer

A recurring theme I hear from people struggling to “figure out” roleplaying is that they feel their characters are flat, uninteresting, or that they’re otherwise bad at character creation because their characters don’t have “goals.” Or, as the flip side of that coin, that they themselves are bad roleplayers because they either can’t remember their characters’ goals, or can’t/don’t enjoy actually roleplaying those goals.

(A short break for shameless self-promotion: If you want some one-on-one assistance with character creation or are struggling to roleplay, I do one-hour consult sessions to give you specific help in tapping into your RPG character. You get tailored guidance with no attempts to tell you what you “should” do, and I get to ethically keep my therapeutic interviewing skills from getting rusty while in grad school limbo. Everyone wins!)

This is getting a bit esoteric. Let’s use some concrete examples.

Some common “goals” might be: A wizard whose goal is to become more powerful or gain a certain form of knowledge, a noble-born character whose goal is to restore their family’s name or wealth, or the evergreen goal of avenging a great wrong like the death of a loved one.

These are all great character goals! There is nothing wrong with having a character with a clear goal they work toward over the course of the game, and making a character with a clear goal is a great way to get started with roleplaying! 

But it is only one method. And it’s not always appropriate.

I’m about to blow your damn mind: Characters don’t need goals. 

The idea that a well-rounded character should always have a “goal” is pervasive, and honestly harmful to good character creation and roleplaying! And it’s even more difficult to overcome because if you look for roleplaying or character-building advice, “give them a goal” is generally one of the first bullet points. This is well-meaning, and it’s not bad advice. But if it leaves you feeling like your character is incomplete because they don’t have A Goal—or worse, feeling obligated to tack on a “goal” and struggle to prioritize it in roleplay—then it’s not helpful.

Characters do not need “goals”.

But all characters need motivations.

As usual, I’m going to use my own characters as an example so you don’t feel like I’m lecturing you. I think I only have one major D&D character who could be stated to have a “goal”--my halfling druid/fighter, who wants to repay her debt to the Circle so that she can make a clean and respectful break and live her own life without guilt. 

But the others? Benny (Benevolence, but only her mom calls her that), my tiefling bard, doesn’t have a “goal” she works toward; in all honesty, her goal was her pre-campaign life. She likes being a travelling musician, she wants to perform and meet people across the continent! Rinda, my dwarven paladin, has five kids at home--her nieces and nephews, who she adopted after her sister’s tragic death in a mine collapse. She’s got no career ambition because she feels that chasing rank or prestige is inappropriate in a paladin, whose priority should be ordinary people and who needs to be accessible and grounded in the reality of the common folk. Her “goal” is to just keep being an honorable, mid-rank paladin and providing for her family.

That’s not remotely helpful in a tabletop RPG! Those are terrible “goals” for a character in a team-based game! If I followed general beginner RP advice and leaned into those goals, I’d end up that dreaded monstrosity, the player who says things like “but why would my character get involved? She would just let the town guard handle it”.

However, these characters’ motivations are a different story.

Benny doesn’t set out with the goal of becoming a hero; it’s not something she consciously works toward or considers a major aspiration. But she is responsible for what she allows, and at her core, Benevolence was well-named. She was raised by loving parents who taught her how to raise working animals and livestock ethically and with compassion, and who taught her the regret that comes of making selfish decisions. Helping others and minimizing suffering isn’t her life goal. She didn’t set out from home with a dream of being better than her parents, of putting good into the world instead of just mitigating the bad...but sometimes people really do just help others because it’s the right thing to do. 

Rinda? Her driving purpose will always be her family. Caring for them is her goal, the thing she intentionally prioritizes, the thing she actively works for. But her motivations are not the same thing. Yes, she wants to stay close to take care of her kids...but her responsibilities as a paladin are important to. She’s a protector who swore an oath, and her children are not more important than children in the next city over who will suffer without her intervention. Her motivation is to make people feel safe, but that’s not really a traditional “goal”. And she’s a stronger character for that!

So: Motivations > Goals. 

Which does NOT mean that your character shouldn’t have a concrete goal! That’s not what I’m saying at all. Rather...if your character has a concrete goal, arising naturally from their backstory, and you struggle to roleplay that goal, it may be because you’re not tapping into why your character has that goal in the first place. Are they seeking power because they’re terrified of a specific enemy? To prove a detractor or an abuser wrong? In order to accomplish a specific task--and in that case, who or what made them believe that task was important? Why is your rogue trying to avenge the death of his sister--and you can’t say “love” or “grief”. Many people have lose loved ones; what made this specific person decide that the only way forward was murder, and that his target(s) were responsible, and that he personally had to dedicate his life to killing them?

(This course of questioning may lead you to realize that you don’t have an answer. If that happens, ask yourself--is this a realization that your CHARACTER might have? That they don’t know why they’re doing this? Follow that thread! If not, it’s possible that you’ve tacked on an artificial “goal” for the sake of having one, and your character would be stronger without that anchor weighing them down.)

Sedge, that druid/fighter from earlier--her goal is to repay a massive debt so that she can be free of the Circle’s influence and live her own life. But her motivation? A mixture of shame and honor. The Circle saved her from a lot of predatory loans from bad people, rescued her, saved her life. She’s embarrassed at ending up so deep in debt and too proud to not repay that kind of kindness, but also feels a genuine gratitude for their kindness toward a total stranger. She wants to do right by them--but hates being a druid--but has always wanted to be the kind of hero who helps others exactly as selflessly as they did. 

It creates a lot of in-depth roleplay possibilities that wouldn’t exist if I’d just left that goal as simple as “acquire X amount of gold to pay off her student loans” and proceeded to play Sedge as simply money-obsessed.

Even if your character does have a clear goal, their motivations can change and come into conflict with it! A heroic character with debts to repay might easily refuse a huge payday if it requires them to do something shady...but they might not. How desperate are they? A wizard whose goal is to unlock the power to cast Wish might see a path to that goal...but pursuing it would mean abandoning a helpless village in the path of an orc army, and if she stays to defend that village, she loses her opportunity.

What wins out, in the end? And what effect will that choice have on her psyche?

Suddenly it really, really matters why she’s so dead-set on learning Wish. Whether it’s out of pride or fear (which might be easier for her to set aside in the face of innocent lives) or out of a deep-rooted belief that something absolutely essential rests on her learning this spell—something a lot harder to turn her back on.

These conflicts can occur with or without a “goal”. But, whether a character has a “goal” or not, these conflicts and intimate, pivotal character moments absolutely cannot exist in a character without motivations.

[snowywanderer]

He Who Walks in the Shadows, and He Who Loves the Dark

Chapter 1: I Foresee Terrible Trouble

Words: 1336

Warnings: none for this chapter, others will be darker

Description: All Dianthus wants is for everything to stop hurting, or to at least be whisked away to another life. Sure, it might still suck but at least it would be different. One seemingly ordinary day, he stumbles into a chance at something new.

I’ve been thinking about these two again so I’m finally writing their story.

—

It’s a good thing, Dianthus thinks, that he works in the back of the store. Whoever is yelling at Blanche out there is not someone he wants to deal with. As much as he hates sitting idly by at times like this, he also hates being around aggressive drunkards. He just continues taking stock.

The second it calms down, though, he rushes to her.

“Are you okay? They sounded… bad.” Bad? Really? Dianthus wishes he could always have the right words.

“It’s nothing I don’t deal with everyday,” his boss says.

“You… shouldn’t have to.” He looks at the floor. If he can’t see her, she can’t see him. Or something like that.

“Really, I’d rather deal with it myself than have any of my employees do so.”

Dianthus can’t help but think there’s a warning of sorts in Blanche’s tone, despite her soft words. He is well aware he’s quick to anger and wouldn’t be able to be near as patient as her.

He excuses himself to the back of the store again.

—

When Dianthus arrives at his house, he hesitates for a moment. Yes, he spent nearly his entire eight hour shift standing and he’d love nothing more than to just lay down, but…

He sighs and opens the door anyway. He footsteps intentionally light. If he can try to avoid running into anyone, he will.

He doesn’t get very far.

“Dianthus!”

“Hi, mom.”

“I made dinner, there’s still some left.”

If he ignores her hopeful tone and stares at the wall, maybe his next words will hurt less. “I ended up getting hungry and eating out again. Sorry.”

Dianthus knows she has reasons she isn’t good at cooking. She doesn’t have the energy and ability to watch over everything, so she does what works for her. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for his stomach.

If she looks upset, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know.

“Okay.” Out of the corner of his eye, he watches her deflate. He looks further away. “I’ll put it up in case you want any later.”

Dianthus nods, gaze still fixed upon the wall. When his mother moves to sit down, he goes to his room. He gathers clean clothes and heads to the shower.

Some days Dianthus is glad he wears glasses. Not being able to see his own body in the shower, for example, is a benefit. He hates the traits he’s inherited from his parents; his large bat ears mean he can’t hide in a crowd and his voice is a dead giveaway to strangers he isn’t the same as other men.

Don’t cry, he tells himself. Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry dontcrydontcrydont—

It’s too late. He spends too long trying to just STOP FUCKING CRYING DAMNIT but it’s no use. Luckily, if any of his family ever hear him cry they just ignore him.

When he lays down again, his eyes are burning and his head is pounding. He thinks back on his mother’s warning words about dehydration and considers slamming his head into the wall. Instead, he pulls his blankets tighter around himself.

—

“I’m going to get a Vision like you,” Dianthus’ younger brother announces over breakfast.

“What kind would you even want?” Dianthus asks, hand instinctively moving to the object resting on his scarf.

“Hm… What about Cryo?”

“I don’t know if I think that suits you.” His brother is certainly calmer than him, but that isn’t saying much. He also doesn’t have that iciness over his heart Dianthus has seen among many Cryo users.

“I think it suits me.”

“If you did get a Vision, what would you do with it?” Dianthus’ mother speaks up.

“…”

“You don’t know?”

“I’d probably think of something.”

Dianthus lets out a small laugh. He looks to his mother without thinking. When one obtains a Vision, should they immediately become someone interesting? Does she want him to do more with his life? Perhaps she doesn’t even realize what her words imply to him. (You have something so many desire, and you just work at a general goods store. Why aren’t you doing more?)

“You were blessed by Barbatos,” his mother had told him once. “I think it’s something amazing to have an Anemo Vision in the land of the wind.” (It was as if she didn’t care how he had obtained it.)

Dianthus wants to do something, to be someone. He doesn’t know where and how to start is all. A few Vision holders in the city are knights or adventurers, but even being a mage Dianthus is weaker than most people even with his gift. None of those types of jobs appeal to him either.

—

Skipping breakfast is bad for you. This, Dianthus knows. If only his useless body would allow him to eat after waking up instead of hours later. There’s probably something wrong with him, but his best bet for “getting better” lies in Liyue. That’s still quite a walk for him, and Mondstadt is the only nation he’s ever found himself in.

Today, Dianthus doesn’t have to go to work. Perhaps a walk around Mondstadt would do him good. He doesn’t leave the city very much anymore. He met up with friends in the Whispering Woods when he was younger, so he makes that his destination. (If only he were good at talking to people consistently, and didn’t end up driving them all away with his seeming lack of interest.)

During the day, small lamp grass has little glow and fails to make the chiming sound it does at night. He picks one of the plants and turns it over in his hand before continuing his stroll.

Dianthus finds himself deep in the woods when he feels dread settle in his stomach. Not giving himself a chance to think, he scurries behind a tree. He can hear voices far off, probably too far off for him to see the people they belong too, but he can’t make out many of the words.

“Lord… traveler escaped…”

Dianthus hears the sound of someone being slapped. He flinches despite the distance. Still, he wonders what the words are about. A traveler had helped save the city from Stormterror. Was it about them?

“Useless… pitiful…”

He still can’t hear many words, and what he does hear is terrible. He can practically feel the anger radiating off of whoever it is. He cringes, but some odd part of him thinks the voice sounds nice even like this.

Whatever Dianthus is witnessing, he probably shouldn’t be. Still, he remains rooted to the spot.

That is, until his ears twitch at the sound of feet heading in his direction. From this distance, no one should be able to see him, so he lifts himself into the tree next to him.

The group eventually comes into view, and he recognizes the uniforms worn by most of the people. What are the Fatui doing here? Most don’t seem to leave the city much, especially given the meteorite situation.

The man leading them is dressed in much nicer clothes, but still seems to be with them. Could he be a higher ranking official? He’s wearing the largest hat Dianthus has ever seen, and he’d be lying if he said the man below him wasn’t pretty. Sure, he didn’t sound to be the best person, but Dianthus isn’t sure he can say much.

The people pass by and Dianthus slowly exhales. He nearly falls out of the tree when the leader turns back and he swears they make eye contact. Oh gods oh gods ohgodsohgods— The man turns back and keeps walking. Maybe he didn’t see Dianthus after all.

When he’s certain everyone is gone, Dianthus looks around one last time and drops from the tree, making sure the wind catches him before he gets injured. Truly shaken, he decides to cut his adventure short and head back home. His mother won’t be too happy, but he doesn’t think he can stay out anymore.

When Dianthus returns home, he puts the (miraculously intact) lamp grass into a vase. Throughout the rest of the day, he sits and sketches, trying to ignore the gaze of the strange man burned into the back of his eyelids.

[artemis-pendragon]

wait if you have the time would you mind expanding on the parallels between achilles and patroclus and the ships you mentioned?

OH GOD YES I WOULD LOVE TO THANKS FOR ASKING!! The English Major in me jumped out so here's an absolute novel lmao:

Hannibal/Will:

Hannibal and Will are the easiest to draw direct parallels to because they are textually compared to Achilles and Patroclus in canon. Hannibal draws himself as Achilles and Will as Patroclus, then (because apparently he’s never heard of subtlety) shows it to Will.

Hannibal says that hiding and revealing identities is a major theme in the Iliad. Will asks Hannibal to reveal himself to Jack Crawford; in the same episode, Hannibal begins to suspect that Will has betrayed him, hiding his true intentions behind a façade to bait Hannibal into being captured by the FBI. However, Will isn’t even sure himself what his real intentions and identity is, and eventually betrays the FBI and runs away with Hannibal.

After Hannibal realizes that Will betrayed him (which is also the episode after he talks about how they’re like Achilles and Patroclus), he stabs Will in the stomach. Patroclus was killed after being stabbed in the stomach.

Hannibal and Will’s blurring identities is a major theme throughout the show. Just as Patroclus takes on Achilles’s identity on the field of war, Will takes on Hannibal’s identity in many ways—both intentionally, and unintentionally.

Patroclus dies wearing Achilles’s armor. Will is accused of being the Chesapeake Ripper, imprisoned, and could have been executed for Hannibal’s crimes if Hannibal hadn’t interfered.

Hannibal is a god-adjacent character, while Will is his more human counterpart. Will is Hannibal’s tether to his humanity, just as Patroclus is Achilles’s.

Just like Achilles couldn’t stand to be parted from Patroclus, Hannibal chose to let Will pull him off a cliff to their (probable) deaths. Hannibal would rather die with Will than live without him.

There is a significant amount of water imagery in this show. Will especially has a lot of ties to water: he likes to fish (his mind palace is initially shown to be a stream); he’s knowledgeable about boats and sailing (he sails across the Atlantic to find Hannibal); his dreams and hallucinations often include water and/or blood; he pulled Hannibal off a cliff into the ocean in a last ditch attempt to kill them both; etc. The story of Achilles also has lots of water-related motifs since Achilles’s mother, Thetis, is a sea nymph/goddess of water.

Hannibal didn’t become overtly vicious and violent toward the Great Red Dragon until he threatened to kill (and then actually stabbed) Will. Then he went totally feral and (literally) ripped Dolarhyde’s throat out. This reminds me of Achilles losing his mind and killing then mutilating Hector after Hector killed Patroclus.

Steve/Bucky:

Steve and Bucky have the “legendary beloved heroic superhuman soldier” and “childhood friend turned war companion” parallel down to a T. Steve is like Achilles: he is a born soldier who wants to fight for his country, starting out idealistic and becoming worn down and jaded by war over time. Bucky is far more reluctant to go to war but follows Steve back onto the battlefield because he believes in Steve and wants to keep him safe—especially from his own reckless righteousness. This is very similar to Patroclus’s desire to follow Achilles to war mostly out of a desire to protect and guide him away from his self-destructive, hot-headed tendencies.

Just as Patroclus put on Achilles’s armor to fight (and die) in his place on the battlefield, Bucky picks up and wields Steve’s shield just before he falls off the train to his apparent death.

Steve starts out saying that he doesn’t want to kill anybody, but after Bucky “dies”, he vows not to stop until every member of Hydra is either killed or captured. This is similar to Achilles’s reaction to Patroclus’s death, where he goes mad with grief and kills everyone in his path to get to Hector, who he then violently kills.

Additionally, after killing Hector, Achilles continues to fight recklessly until someone kills him. Similarly, Steve keeps fighting to stop Hydra but ultimately goes down with the aircraft carrying the bombs, allowing himself to drown/freeze. There’s probably ways he could have gotten out of that situation, but instead he kind of just gives in and lets himself “die” (at least that’s my interpretation).

The Captain America movies also have some interesting water imagery. Bucky falls to his “death” in a ravine, most likely falling into the frozen stream. Steve “drowns” after he crashes the plane into the ocean; in The Winter Soldier, Steve falls from the helicarrier into the Potomac, and Bucky jumps in after him. Again, the story of Achilles also contains water-related motifs due to Achilles’s mother being a sea nymph; I’m sure I could write an entire essay about these parallels before I figure out how to verbalize why this is interesting, but I’m too lazy to right now lol.

Arthur/Merlin:

Again, just like with Steve and Bucky, this is an obvious case of “famous royal golden hero of legends” and “less well-known but ultimately extremely important companion who follows him to war”. Like Achilles and Patroclus, Arthur and Merlin meet before Arthur is a famous warrior and become friends long before the “big war” that ultimately tears them apart.

Arthur and Achilles might be the famous warriors, but Merlin and Patroclus are the kind-hearted, brave, fiercely loyal companions who serve both as a fellow warrior on the battlefield, and as a moral compass. Just as Achilles looks to Patroclus for advice and as a tether to the humility and importance of humanity in the face of a great destiny, Arthur looks to Merlin.

Both Patroclus and Merlin seem at first to be ordinary men who (in the eyes of most casual observers) aren’t worthy of Achilles/Arthur’s friendship. However, they both become legendary figures of their own, without whom their legendary heroic counterparts would never have survived.

As I mentioned in the section about Hannibal and Will, the theme of hiding and revealing identities is very important in the story of Achilles and Patroclus. One of the biggest plot points in Merlin is that Merlin can’t reveal that he has magic; he doesn’t do so until the last episode, once Arthur has been mortally wounded.

Just as Patroclus always believed that Achilles would live up to his great destiny, Merlin always believed in Arthur. And even though Arthur didn’t know about Merlin’s true potential and role in his rise to the throne, Arthur believed that Merlin was one of the best, most courageous men he’d ever met. This reminds me o Achilles referring to Patroclus as Philtatos (in The Song of Achilles), meaning “best of men”.

In an inverted parallel, Arthur is the one who is stabbed and ultimately dies. Although Achilles does eventually die in war, it isn’t until after Patroclus dies. It is then implied that they will eventually meet again someday, just as Achilles and Patroclus would meet again in the afterlife after their ashes were mingled together.  

Dean/Cas:

In this relationship, Dean is very much the “reckless hero with a pre-ordained-by-the-gods destiny who is actually very flawed and carries a lot of self-doubt” and Cas is the “companion with a heart of gold who is almost embarrassingly devoted to the hero and will do anything for him”.

For Dean/Cas, there is also the parallel of struggling with a toxic parental figure who demands too much while also being emotionally absent and manipulative. For Dean, this is John Winchester, and for Achilles, this is Thetis. Cas also struggles with his relationship with his father (who is literally God lmao) and his desire to be a good soldier vs. his desire to do what’s right and to protect the man he loves.

Patroclus strives to help Achilles see that he’s more than just a weapon, and Cas and Dean both do this for each other: Dean helps Cas realize that he’s more than just another emotionless soldier of heaven, and Cas helps Dean realize he’s more than “daddy’s blunt instrument” (the phrasing of which I will still be laughing at in my grave. Thanks, CW.)

Dean’s godly destiny as Michael’s vessel is determined before he’s even born. Achilles’s godly destiny is also determined before he’s born, and neither one really has any say in it.

Patroclus ultimately dies in Achilles’s place, and Cas does the same for Dean many times. When Cas decides to help Dean escape heaven and try to save Sam and stop the apocalypse, he sacrifices himself to help Dean get away. Of the many times Cas puts his life on the line, it’s usually either to help Dean, or to save him. This is reminiscent of how Patroclus did almost everything not in the name of winning the war, or even the greater good (although he was obviously a good person), but to protect Achilles and keep him from getting himself killed.

Whenever Cas is dead, Dean’s mental health visibly deteriorates. He becomes more violent and unpredictable—a worse version of himself—just as Achilles did after Patroclus died.

Just as Patroclus acts as a tether to humanity for Achilles, Cas and Dean both act as tethers to humanity for each other. Cas pulls Dean out of Hell, restoring his humanity, and Dean helps Cas shrug off his emotionless angel identity and find some humanity of his own.

TLDR: Reckless blonde hero (or villain) with a legendary destiny/reputation and badass fighting skills + their viciously loyal brunette companion-slash-lover who's willing to die for them at a moment's notice = good shipping material

[caffeinatedseri]

The Strength of Selfishness

Each character in BSD has a degree of selfishness or selflessness in themselves, but the way this concept is executed opens discussion on the nuance of “selfishness,” or specifically the flaws in believing selfishness is an inherently bad trait.

Atsushi

Atsushi fits the description of selflessness, but I’d argue that he’s actually more selfish than he thinks he is (keeping in mind that being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing).

Akutagawa points out how Atsushi will needlessly risk his life in order to protect others, which sounds like a pretty heroic act, but it comes with a cost. Atsushi isn’t invincible, especially at this point in the story when he hasn’t fully mastered his ability, but his insistence on protecting others puts him in constant danger.

At the end of the day, Atsushi would have a greater chance of surviving many of the dangerous situations he puts himself into if he was more selfish by protecting himself before others.

However, Atsushi is also somewhat selfish in his motivations for acting so virtuously. 

Once again, Akutagawa points out how Atsushi only acts this way because of his deeply rooted belief that he has to risk his life for someone else in order to give his life value. You could argue that Atsushi only saves others as an attempt to prove to himself that he’s worthy, an inherently selfish motive. If Atsushi actually died, he would be endangering the people he could save in the future.

Selfishness also includes self-centeredness. Particularly with Akutagawa, Atsushi’s tendency to focus solely on himself becomes especially noticeable. Atsushi constantly doubts himself and his strengths; he also ignores his privileges and the struggles of others, particularly when he can’t completely understand them — hence why he views Akutagawa so harshly but sees Kyouka and Lucy as people who need to be saved. 

Despite all of this, Atsushi still creates a positive impact in other people’s lives. His innately selfish motivation is what drives him to protect others, and he ultimately succeeds in doing that (case in point Kyouka and Lucy again). 

Akutagawa

Akutagawa is pretty similar to Atsushi in how his past led to his inevitably selfish motives, but his manifests in a different way. 

Akutagawa has to be selfish to protect himself, due to a mix of his past prior to joining the mafia and Dazai’s teachings that collectively reinforced the belief that if he’s weak, he can’t survive.

This results in Akutagawa taking other people’s lives, a direct contrast to how Atsushi saves others, in order to prove his worth as a strong individual that deserves to live. However, this sentiment narrowly crosses the line of hypocrisy when Akutagawa does the very same thing that he criticized Atsushi for: looking for value in his life through other people.

Akutagawa also unnecessarily risks his life in order to prove his strength, which is arguably more dangerous and selfish than what Atsushi does. 

When Akutagawa fights Hawthorne, he practically eggs on Hawthorne to kill him, or at the very least fight with the intent to kill. Akutagawa was also injured before entering this fight, so running away would’ve been all the more reasonable than continuing to fight.

Drawing another parallel to Atsushi, Akutagawa has that very same resolve of risking his life unnecessarily to prove his worth. 

It’s undeniable that Akutagawa has killed many people — which is arguably extremely selfish — and loss of life really isn’t something that I want to push as morally correct. However, I would like to push the idea of redemption: finding a way to escape this messy lifestyle. I sincerely doubt that the incessant cycle of killing is any good for Akutagawa, or that it’s the life that he wants to have. 

With Atsushi and Akutagawa, both of their character arcs will develop accordingly to this balance of selfishness and selflessness.

Ranpo

Ranpo is characterized in a slightly selfish way, but this mindset comes with good reason (relating to Ranpo’s past). 

When Atsushi was kidnapped, Ranpo places priority on protecting the agency. If he were to meddle with Atsushi’s problem, which was technically a personal issue, then the agency as an organization would be put at risk. This isn’t necessarily a “wrong” mindset, but it is self-centered.

Of course, this is one of many examples to showcase Ranpo’s arrogance, but his arrogance is actually a form of self-protection. 

“So his father knew, after all. He understood that Ranpo possessed an extraordinary gift. He knew his son had the special ability to observe, remember, and uncover the truth in the blink of an eye. That was why he sealed it away. He didn’t want Ranpo to go astray, to ever hurt others and make the world his enemy.  His father wanted Ranpo to learn virtue and what’s right just like any ordinary person until he had grown up with good judgment and knowledge.” —  LN 3, “The Untold Origins of the Detective Agency”

Before Ranpo met Fukuzawa, he was just a young, lost boy who didn’t recognize his extraordinary talents. His parents taught him to be modest to allow him to develop as a normal person, but he never truly understood who he was in comparison to other people because he was orphaned at a young age.

Thus, Ranpo had to embrace his superiority, in an albeit dramatic way, in order to accept the world and himself. If he believed that people weren’t as intelligent as him, then he wouldn’t have to hate himself for feeling like an outsider to a world he doesn’t understand. 

Similarly to Akutagawa, Ranpo’s selfishness isn’t born out of hatred or negligence for others, it’s simply a survivalist instinct. 

Dazai

Dazai’s case is a little trickier to define, but I feel that he’s changed a decent amount throughout the series. I’ve seen some people argue that Dazai only helps others because of Oda’s dying wish, which would make his motivations for doing so inherently selfish. This rings true for Dazai before becoming a part of the agency, but I’d say he’s changed a lot just from interacting with the other agency members.

Dazai’s shown to be capable of the selflessness that involves risking your life for others, but because he’s Dazai, he’s most likely never going to actually die (he has taken necessary precautions to make sure he doesn’t die like in Dead Apple). In this case, Dazai was willing to risk his life for intel from Fyodor, similar to how he got captured by the PM intentionally for intel on Atsushi.

What he says here is especially important: “Certainly, people are sinfully stupid. But what’s so wrong about that?” The Dazai that was once isolated from others, that lacked a sense of direction and purpose in life, has grown one step closer to finding that purpose.

It’s no secret that character to character relationships have a big impact on everyone in BSD, but it’s especially relevant for Dazai who’s growth comes from learning about human nature. He and Fyodor both share a level of super intelligence that ostracizes them from the rest of society, which consequently makes them incapable of understanding other people.

Dazai’s statement here just shows how he’s willing to look past people’s mistakes — yes, they may be sinful and/or stupid, but that’s just a part of human nature.

And in this case, he acts in a stupid way by risking his life for someone else. Yes, it may be stupid, but this selflessness is also a part of being human.

I’d also like to add that Dazai was somewhat selfish in leaving the PM so suddenly after Oda’s death. As an executive, he undoubtedly had some responsibilities to handle, and not to mention Chuuya who was dragged into the mafia because of him in the first place. However, leaving the mafia was ultimately better for his development, and you could argue that the PM is doing just fine with Mori remaining as the leader. Thus, Dazai is another example of how selfishness isn’t harmful in nature.

Mori

On the topic of Mori, he’s a character who outright acknowledges his selflessness as a necessity for the mafia’s advancement.

As I mentioned before, selflessness is a stereotypically heroic trait, but it’s flipped around in BSD. You see protagonists with greater selfish convictions than the antagonists, who live their life based on this idea of selflessness. 

Of course, just because Mori is an antagonist, this doesn’t mean that selflessness is an innately “evil” trait. In fact, this selflessness is how he grows his organization and gains respect from his subordinates. Mori’s selflessness is used for the benefit of everyone else in the PM (ignoring the obvious crimes that the mafia commits of course).

Oda

Oda is often seen as the role model example for a “good man,” in the world of BSD — which is true to a certain extent. We certainly know how he was selfless in a multitude of scenarios, from saving the orphans at the Dragon’s Head Conflict, to his resolve to not kill anyone, and his push for Dazai to leave the mafia. 

However, I’d like to discuss Oda’s selfishness. Oda was well-aware of Dazai’s issues during Dark Era, and he seemed like the only person who would understand Dazai at that level. Despite this, he still chose to die. 

“(Dazai) is just a child who’s too smart. Just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world we can see.”

— LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Oda is an idealist first and foremost; when reality fails to match his ideals, it becomes unbearable for him to continue living on. 

Oda was selfish in his conviction to die, because he knew he could’ve done more for Dazai, but he chose to leave him with a dying wish rather than staying with him to potentially fill that void of loneliness.

(I’d like to mention that Oda wasn’t wrong for his choice, because Dazai ended up on the right path in the end. It was simply an act of selfishness that ended for the better).

Kunikida

Kunikida is an idealist, much like Oda, but he also draws close to being a realist at certain moments.

Kunikida shares the same selfless resolve as Atsushi: to save everyone. His ideals seem unbreakable to the point where he would risk his life and succeed in the end no matter what, purely because he’s just that committed towards his goals.

This treads closely to Atsushi’s selfishness. In this case, for Kunikida, it’s somewhat a part of his self-fulfilling prophecy to make his ideals come true, but he acts selflessly because of these ideals that he believes in. 

An important thing to note here is Fyodor’s grin, because Fyodor — as an idealist — is well aware of the fact that the greater the ideals, the loftier these ideals become in reality. 

“By that very logic, then Miss Sasaki was not responsible for any of these recent events! She didn’t even want a world in which all criminals are rightly judged! She only— Tell me, Dazai! Was it right for her to die? Is this the ideal world I’ve sought for…”

— LN 1, “Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam”

At the end of the Azure Messenger Arc, Kunikida realizes the flaws in his ideals when he fails to uphold them. By trying to save both Rokuzou and Sasaki, he ended up losing the both of them. No matter how hard he tried to save them, there was no possible way for him to achieve the level of “justice” that he desired.

This teaches an incredibly valuable lesson to Kunikida that shifts his mindset towards a more selfish direction.

Kunikida’s experience leads him to teach Atsushi, another person strongly motivated by ideals, to not follow the same path as him. You could interpret this as a sign of Kunikida’s declining resolve, but I prefer to view it as another form of self-preservation.

Kunikida very well understands the pain that comes from not meeting his ideals, which could easily affect to Atsushi considering how difficult it would be to save Kyouka.

The scene in which Kunikida goes to save Atsushi parallels what Kunikida told him previously: “Your boat can only carry one person. If you let someone beyond salvation come aboard, you will only drown together.”

Notice how Kunikida is in a boat with plenty of space, but out of fear that his ideals won’t be upheld, he’ll lower them to an lesser standard. Instead of trying to save two people, he settles for one, despite the fact that he has the capacity for two. 

This instance is a moment of selfishness from Kunikida, an act of self-preservation to prevent the inevitable pain that comes with unmet ideals. 

However, Atsushi subverts his expectations by pushing himself to save Kyouka regardless of his sinking boat, because Atsushi’s own ideals motivate him to do so. Kunikida teaches Atsushi to be careful with the balance of selfishness and selflessness; Atsushi teaches Kunikida the beauty in being selfless.

[seyaryminamoto]

I think the episode Th Beach was supposed to portray Zuko in a sympathetic manner, but in my opinion it makes Zuko look worse. This is the ONLY episode in which Zuko spends a substantial amount of time interacting with the fire nation citizens, and he can barely control his jealously and temper around them. He even wreaked Chan’s house. Those are his future subjects. He should have learned to treat them better if he’s ever going to be fire lord.

Playing the devil’s advocate just slightly, as I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I’m pretty sure Zuko’s complete incompatibility with the Fire Nation during the first half of Book 3 intended to convey a message that says Zuko doesn’t know how to fit in with his old life anymore. Hence, he couldn’t have a particularly positive thing going for him in the Fire Nation besides Mai, because then he’d have enough roots to keep him locked down in his role as Ozai’s heir and he wouldn’t feel as easily compelled to turn his back on his royal life and do the right thing.

Nonetheless, it is a problem from a thematic standpoint, I agree 100% with that. I have more than enough problems with Zuko’s character arc, but that his connection with his nation is practically severed or non-existent feels really wrong to me, especially when the show makes a point to feature Team Avatar bonding with ordinary Fire Nation citizens, and even finding some, like Piandao, who aren’t supporters of Ozai’s rule.

In my personal opinion, Zuko could have undergone a storyline akin to that of Alejandro in Mask of Zorro, who was absolutely out of place amid nobles, but he had to play a role so he could find the information he needed and put an end to their self-serving plans. There’s a very heartwrenching scene in that movie when the group of nobles are basically touring a gold mine where enslaved locals are forced to serve their lords, and one of these slaves, an old friend of Alejandro’s, attemps to attack them only to get killed immediately by the asshole captain protecting the nobles. Alejandro then steps forward and cradles the dying man, who recognizes him and realizes what Alejandro is doing, disguised as a nobleman... and then the man dies in his arms, smiling because he believes Alejandro will set things right. But he still dies, and Alejandro is obviously both livid and depressed about it because he couldn’t save his friend.

Obviously... there’s no way Zuko would be put in a similar situation, at least not a situation that’s 100% the same as this, it’d be way too dark for Avatar even if Avatar did feature dark situations when it suited the plot. But if Zuko’s journey had been mapped thoroughly from day one... gee, how about Jet doesn’t die, but instead gets captured and handed over to the Fire Nation, and Zuko finds him in a cell at the Prison Tower when he’s on his way to meet Iroh? His old frenemy, in horrible shape... Zuko finds he doesn’t care about the past, because he knows this is wrong and Jet’s been through more than enough by Fire Nation hands, so he releases the guy and they escape! And then Jet potentially acknowledges that not all Fire Nation people are garbage thanks to Zuko... while Zuko realizes, through Jet’s words, that if there’s good in the Fire Nation he has to find a way to help it grow, and that there’s so much he can start doing to fix the mess of a country he’s supposed to rule someday.

With that as a starting point, Zuko could begin to travel through his nation, to learn more about his people, to visit cities and villages and find out if they’re living well or not (then maybe confront his father about their living conditions, showing a Zuko who’s no longer scared of standing up to Ozai, not even if it means risking the approval he chased after so desperately for years). Imagine him showing up at Jang Hui village, finding this horrid situation the villagers are living in! He’d not only cross paths with Team Avatar, which could be interesting at this stage, but he’d also potentially offer the people an alternate living location because he wants them to be free to live in better conditions than this... only for Team Avatar’s approach to teach him that maybe the answer isn’t running away or leaving when your house is on fire, but to put out the fire by any means you have available. Then, Zuko could start having many similar epiphanies throughout his journeys in his own country and understand that his work with the Fire Nation has to be FOR the Fire Nation itself, and not the glorified concept his father believes in: he’d have to work for the people who are unaware of how oppressed they are, the people who barely can get by in these times of war, those who have lost family, those who have lost friends, all be it for a war that makes no sense. Had Zuko’s character arc focused on THIS rather than exclusively on his own internal struggle... you probably wouldn’t see that many Zuko-critical posts on my blog. It would convey a strong message about what it really means to be a leader, and Zuko’s character would benefit greatly from that.

... But yep. Instead we got him losing his temper at small triggers, acting out and being very much socially inept. I understand what they were going for, I repeat it, and I don’t think it’s fundamentally WRONG... but I do think it’s too simple considering the scope of the story they were telling, and the character development they were trying to build for Zuko. There’s way too much to address with a character like Zuko... and that all his growth was meant to be internal (with even a few things that either were never addressed or were addressed poorly or that he supposedly grew out of but then regressed into all over again) may not have done him any favors.

... And well, I’ll say, I actually don’t think most of The Beach intended to portray Zuko as sympathetic? Maybe only the point where he gives Mai gifts that she rejects, and when he goes to the old family villa, but in general he feels like such an ass in that episode that I’m pretty sure they were making him an ass intentionally xD Yet I can’t agree more, it’s really wrong that the only time we see Zuko interacting normally with common Fire Nation people, as equals, he acts the way he does. I’tll never not confuse me that Team Avatar gets to see and learn more of the Fire Nation, and interact positively with their people, than Zuko did...

[pallasperilous]

So It Goes

So, forgive me this indulgence as somebody who does not ordinarily write meta; a friend asked me why I thought that the manner of Dean’s death in 15x20 is an incredibly lovely and mature writing choice. I think it is so, for reasons that also happen to explain why so many fans of the show fucking loathe it.

There is some Vonnegut at the end. Hang in for that. 

PART ONE: 

Chuck's story direction has always made sure that the boys, if they died, did so in a mega intense or glorious fashion (minus the *Mystery Spot* meddling by Gabriel, and those weren't meant to be permadeaths). Those deaths were awesome heroic television deaths that FED the story rather than ending it. Every time, the surviving brother would do some extremely stupid and destabilizing shit to bring the other back, often feeding an entire new cycle of death and retrieval. 

If he *didn't* (cf: Sam in the Cage, Dean in Purgatory), it caused a massive rift between them, which then fed *further* wild-ass decisions. The dudes were in the dictionary under 'codependency'. People knew that killing or capturing one of them meant the other wasn't far behind. 

Chuck's endgame for Sam and Dean was literally to *die fighting God.* How much more heroically wanky can you get?

But they beat him. They’re free. Jack takes over, and makes it clear that he isn’t going to be a God who meddles or directs; he’s not going to be their in-house writer. He’s just going to set things back where they belong, reform the systems that Chuck established out of ego or cruelty, and then integrate himself with the universe so that anything that happens to it…happens to him, too. He’s won’t be a character anymore. He’s a setting.

PART TWO: 

So, minus Chuck, with Jack’s goodbye and Castiel’s sacrifice…the boys get to experience plain old…real life. Tuesday! Drinking beer, kicking the laundry machine, filling out shitty job applications, enjoying the little consolations of food and pets and free time. (I think that messy room and dog-bonding and staring into the internet bespeaks a Dean who is really doing his goddamn best to not implode with grief as he has in the past, but to try to thrive in the face of deep grieving). 

When Sam expresses grief over losing Cas, Dean's response is basically: yeah, it sucks. But our job, that our loved ones sacrificed for us to have a shot at… is to stop trying to reverse all of our losses, and to learn to live with them, like normal people have to. That’s the price of the gift they’ve been given — accepting whatever real life deals them.

They can literally do anything they want; circumstances won’t herd them into Season 16. What’s the first thing Dean really does, after this little break? 

He hears “missing kids, dead parents” and he dives right back in. He opens his Dad’s goddamn notebook for the info. He’s immediately choosing to go right back to where they started, for the sake of helping other people. He books them to fight some of the very first basic bitch monsters he and Sam dealt with. That is unforced 100% Dean’s choice. 

(Sam has demonstrated an ability to not take on the responsibility of eliminating all monster-based misfortunes in the world and pursue a life beyond just hunting, so long as Dean has been off the map…but Dean’s one attempt to take a job and settle down with Lisa ended up being so obviously hollow that Castiel felt SO BAD he took time off from RUNNING HEAVEN to rescue Sam FOR DEAN.)

PART THREE: 

Remember Chuck's little fit earlier where Dean wound up getting his teeth drilled etc? That bad luck was being magnified by Chuck being pissed at them, but the brothers truly did find themselves facing ordinary people shit they had never really had to deal with. It drove the point home -- Sam and Dean had been exempt, this whole time, from the petty little ways that failure and misfortune work in the normal world. That extended to their hunting, too — they found out that there were people they could fail to save, despite their best effort. People who, according to the rules they’d been operating under, should have been savable. 

So we see this hunt — which is really rough and tumble. They’re still doing amazingly considering how outnumbered they are, but this was some of the most intentionally graceless fight choreography I remember seeing on the show. They seriously almost lose the fight, and Sam kills that last vamp pestering Dean with the kind of “whew!” last minute heroics we’ve come to expect from the show.

And Dean realizes: something has gone wrong. Something that no pulp TV action genre writer would ever, ever draft for a hero’s death. There was some scary rebar sticking out and Dean got shoved into it in the scuffle and it hath Fucked Him Up. It’s the kind of shit that happens on construction sites. It’s an accident. It’s a random misfortune. It has nothing to do with his heroism or skill or the cleverness or powerfulness of his opponents. It just happens.

Under show rules, here is what would happen next: Castiel would heal him. Jack would heal him. Sam would call an ambulance and Dean would be DOA and Sam would whip out his cellphone and call Rowena or a crossroads demon or Sister Jo or research a spell and we’d be off and rolling for Season 16.

But Dean says: Don’t do that.

Because that is what Chuck would write.

Dean realizes — this is exactly the world they have fought to exist in. A world that is randomly wonderful, randomly shitty. This happened because he chose to be here. Nobody made them pursue this hunt. Is he surprised that it happened so soon, that he ended up having so little time to give unscripted life a shot? Yes, to the point that he clearly thinks it’s honestly kinda funny. Cuz who’d write it like that? Nobody! He likes the part that he gets to die on a hunt, standing up, in his boots — that’s what he’s always seen for himself. Not in a bad way, not in a “killing machine” or a “daddy’s little soldier” way, but because it means he kept fighting for other people up to the last second. He’s upset that Sam is so upset — he’s more worried about calming Sam and reassuring him than he is about how cool his death is gonna look on IMDB, or how they can cheat circumstance to buy him more time. 

Instead of buying more time, at the expense of living like real people instead of TV characters…he decides to make the most of this one moment. He tells Sam how much he loves him. He tells Sam that Sam will be okay; he’s going to go live a whole life on whatever terms he and the universe can work out together, and the fact that Dean isn’t there is gonna be a painful but acceptable part of those terms. Dean says: don’t go running off trying to change this. Just spend this last little bit of time with me, while the universe does its thing. That’s what they do.

TL;DR — this death is fucking awesome because Chuck would absolutely fucking hate it. He wanted Sam and Dean to go down in a ball of fire together, fighting their coolest foe ever, CHUCK! 

Instead: Dean dies like a normal person, from an accident bred under circumstances that he chose for himself. Chuck loses half his prize, not to some other big bad, but to a damn piece of construction material on a mundane job.  And Dean gets to die in a way that unshackles Sam’s fate from his own. Like Castiel did for him, he gets to say: I love you. This is enough for me. Go live your life.

He finally gets to drop his kid back off at Stanford.

Chuck would be so pissed.

And we, the viewers of Supernatural...well, hell, we’re ultimately fans of Chuck’s writing, aren’t we? So of course something so unprecedented, so un-heroic or badass, so mundane and intimate and random...of course it shocks. Because that’s not the show we’ve been watching!! But isn’t that the point? The author is dead. We can put aside his tastes, and we can look at Dean’s death, and say the words of Dean’s actual favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut --  So it goes.

[nissakii]

9 Romance Animes you should watch

Who doesn’t know the feeling when you have just finished a bunch of Shounen animes filled with action or maybe some sad movie you simply cannot get over with that easily,

and all of a sudden the thought comes up, “ah it’s about time to watch some romance again.”

For those of you who are searching for an anime to satisfy your maiden hearts, here are 9 romance animes you should probably watch when you are craving for those little candies in your life!

Kaguya love is war

Let’s start with a different kind of romance anime: Kaguya love is war!.

While the anime as well as the manga had received a lot of recognition and fanbase, there are still a lot of people who only know it for the memes (Fujiwara).

Despite it being another romcom Anime the fact that it’s built up in an interesting and strategic way. It doesn’t feel like a romance anime sometimes and even makes you feel if there is even a hint of that sappy love-story you might be craving.

But I can assure you, that anime will stir all kinds of emotions going from sad and tragic backstories that might let you shed a tear to laughter where you have to repeat one scene or another.

Next to the variety of characters that all have flaws, flaws and… even more flaws despite their good image at school, which makes them much more relatable and twisted that you might feel, finally not another perfect protag who gets all the girls/boys.

Because on both sides the mind games are on a high stack, yes mind games that’s the cue because Kaguya love is war is not a simple love story that plays in the most important years of highschool.

It’s a game of who will give in first, who weakens to succumb to their own feelings and confess to the other person, with all kinds of tricks and traps to get their ways.

Let’s not forget about external factors like other characters who put the whole strategy planned ahead to no avail and the funny ways of ridiculing some typical anime cliches.

With a lot of romance, psychology, humor and a hint of drama watching Kaguya love is war will be your out-of-the-ordinary romance anime that you surely don’t want to miss out.

Tonari no kaibutsu-kun

Tonari no kaibutsu-kun is an anime which might not be as known and especially the manga who was even better didn’t get as much recognition.

It’s not a new-generation anime but still one you might want to watch for a change of pace.

Another synonym for the anime is my little monster matching the male part of the main cast.

The two main characters are not your usual shy girl and popular guy, but a hard-working emotionless highschool girl with no friends due to the fact that she doesn’t care at all about her social life and enjoys studying to secure a big job later on.

On the other hand, we have the boy who is not shown at the beginning since he was suspended from the get-go getting into fights and being feared by others yet turns out to be a little bit socially-inept and misunderstood by those around him.

Due to a coincidence and some misunderstandings those two collide and it’s not like you think a super cute shoujo-anime moment, not at all rather the potrayment of social anxiety on the boy’s side and being dragged into a mess on the girl’s side.

To not tell you too much, the interesting thing about this anime is actually not the pairing (which of course is too but) the development of each character, even the side characters.

Because in this series everyone gets their deserved screen time and character development, showing big problems highschool girls and boys alike tend to have around their ages and the social stigma around f.e your typical popular girl or the sporty gets along with everyone guy from the class next door.

If you already watched this series, but haven't read the manga yet I can only recommend you to do so, the stories of each character are told in depth there and it goes beyond the anime revealing interesting facts and arcs that were not shown in the anime.

Kimi Ni Todoke

If you are a slow-burn romance fan like me, then Kimi Ni Todoke might be your next series to watch.

The title means “From me to you”, depicting the life of a female highschooler who gets misunderstood frequently by her peers as she looks like Sadako from the horror movie “The Ring”. As she is actually a very kind and optimistic soul her classmates and the people around her get too scared to even talk to her and start rumors that she is able to curse others. 

While the story goes on the girl starts to develop more and more, getting to know much more feelings and experiences through her classmates and the guy she admires.

It’s a lighthearted cute story with a lot of relatable issues that some of you might already have overcome or in midst of it.

Like the title says, the story focuses much more on the depiction of thoughts and feelings, how different the thoughts one person holds and it can or cannot reach another. Showing us the many sides of communication and trying to understand other people not by only relying on only what one thinks is the way to communicate but also adapt to the way others try to communicate, f.e shy characters who cannot always get their thoughts across.

It also revolves around how one perceives other people they have never engaged with and the main role of rumors and prejudices taking place in our society as well.

For some people this series may be a bit too long for a romance anime, having two seasons and a total of twenty-four episodes, but it’s worthwhile if you are interested in a more pure kind of romance that establishes slowly and step by step.

Akkun to Kanojo

Sometimes for a change of pace seeking something easy and quick to watch might help you to sweep that small moment of romance into your life.

Akkun to Kanojo is a short series consisting of 25 Episodes in total but each episode is 3 to 4 minutes long if you cut the opening out it’s even shorter.

Still the story that is told might make you smile from time to time, as you see the romance between a male tsundere and a cute childhood friend unfold.

The concept of the male being the tsundere is really funny and has a little twist as most animes, especially romance animes usually depict the woman/girl as a tsundere type of character in that cast.

The pure love the male part actually bears for the female one is very cute yet a bit frustrating at the same time just like he does feel when seen from his perspective.

Which makes it even cuter is that the female part knows him very well as she doesn’t really get bothered by his tsundere traits and just plays them off not minding him even insulting her since she knows he doesn’t mean it like that.

The guy on the other hand blames himself and even tells himself he cannot get near to such a pure and beautiful being, whenever she leaves right afterward.

A funny romance comedy that skips the drama and fills the day with smiles and cuteness.

Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun

Monthly Girls Nozaki-kun, one of the anime that makes you wonder which shipping you like the most but at the end leaves you behind since the romance aspect is always overshadowed by comedy.

And that is not a bad thing.

While the manga goes past the story told in the anime and even has some more romantic moments as well as crucial realizations, the anime gives the viewer a lot of content when it comes to diverse characters, funny moments, frustrating interruptions and even more.

At some points a lot of misunderstandings come up which I personally found so frustrating and hoped to finally get resolved, yet at the same time they had their own charm in pushing the story into another direction.

It’s a slice of life anime in the end which makes the story not too flashy, but the flashy characters compensate with the fact.

If you are searching for a romance anime where the comedy genre is heavily emphasized then this might be your next choice, since the anime is much more for laughter and enjoying the flow of character interactions and relationships than the actual romance as the focus point.

Honobono log

Another short series anime with only 12 Episodes this time and they are less than two minutes long. Still it’s a refreshing depiction of the many ways of love going from fighting couples to a heartbroken girl and a family.

The interesting style of art, the way how sounds and music are used, and the vibe in general just puts you at ease and let’s you enjoy the story with a light heart.

Especially after a hard day watching this short series feels like a wonderful way to slowly get into your deserved relaxation mood.

Ouran Highschool Host club

A classical one that most of you probably already watched and if not, then this is one of the animes you should really add to your list.

Ouran highschool host club could be viewed as one of the older animes that just rushes your mind back into a nostalgic mood, and the original story behind it still influences a lot of people outside.

It’s about a girl who dresses as a boy, not to be admitted or because she feels that way, no because she doesn’t care at all how she looks and how people perceive her making others mistake her for a boy.

She does not really intentionally make people view her that way, and events of coincidences caused her to get the final blow as she destroys a vase and is forced to join the host club of her school to pay it off.

Of course the leader of the club thinks she is a boy until he realizes the Fe before the male part is very present but he was too dense to realize it.

A story with a lot of character development, building  relationships, finding yourself and many other important topics starts from here on.

The many characters that represent the host club is what makes the series so charming and with the female lead not being your typical female protag as well.

As she is a very independent, cold and goal-oriented character who doesn’t care about romance at all yet has a natural charisma of her own.

A slow-paced romance anime with a lot of stories and derives from your usual storyline, a must watch for those of you who haven’t yet.

Kaichou wa Maid-sama

Another classic to add on your list with a feisty female lead and a funny teasing male lead who doesn’t seem to care for anything at all, beside teasing the student council president who is the female lead.

The student council president is known for being strict, not standing boys and doesn’t fear to speak her mind when she sees things going wrong at school, actively taking part that the school rules are being followed.

But her school is mostly filled with boys and undisciplined ones on top of that making her being feared for chewing each of them out with no remorse or hesitation.

There is a little problem though, when the handsome and cool male lead suddenly finds out that she is part-timing as a maid in a maid-cafe after school to support her family financially. And he doesn’t simply tell her secret, no it gets worse.

He visits her frequently, keeping the secret for himself and threatening her into hanging out with him or talking to him, even forcing her to be his maid at work.

An interesting development of storyline and plot, with two people coming from different backgrounds  and getting to know each other's real sides as they move forward towards a complex relationship.

Wotaku ni Koi wa Muzukashii

What is the best way to find love for an otaku? Fall in love with another otaku.

This romance comedy anime takes place in the world of work where the characters are all already older and mature than the usual highschool love setting.

As the female-lead switches workplaces in order to hide the fact she is a yaoi-fangirl and her secret passion for anime, she meets her handsome school friend again who is a video-game otaku.

Both of them go out for drinks and make fun of their situations being both different kinds of otakus, the sudden purpose of trying to date comes up and so a weird start of a relationship between two otakus takes place.

Additionally a lot of characters join the cast with different kinds of love stories of their own having one couple that constantly fights and doesn’t look like one at all, as well as side characters with their insecurities.

The everyday life of an otaku couple starts and we follow their story into the twists and fun of being in a relationship, as well as the insecurities and concerns that come with it.

A series for a different kind of romance that makes you wonder how different couples can be and the importance of accepting your true self.

Did you already watch any of this series?

Or do you think there is another must watch romance anime?

Drop it in the comments!

Well then let me now return to my lonely tea,

forever single Makii

Original Source

[linklethehistorian]

Randou and the Sins of Season 3's Fifteen Adaption (Part 10/???)

Episode 26 — Dazai, Chuuya, Fifteen Years Old (4/6)

Dazai’s Difference in Personality and Mori’s Dealings with the Two Teenagers

Once again, this was something that didn’t truly begin to occur to me until after I had read Lea’s thoughts on this episode because of my initial excitement, but yes, it’s true; there was, in fact, a partial overhaul to Dazai’s outward personality in this rendition, as opposed to the one we were presented in the original novel, and naturally, that did have at least a little bit of an impact on the way the story was handled in certain places — some more important than others (though definitely none to the extent that the complete re-writing of a certain other character had).

Though it isn’t inaccurate to say that Dazai at fifteen years old was just as disinterested in the world at large and tired of life as one would expect of a version of him pre-Dark Era, and the anime therefore did not necessarily get him wrong by portraying him as such, there is still something to be said for the way that they made this so incredibly apparent throughout the adaption and made him appear so very serious and mature at practically all times, despite the fact that this was not really the case in the book; rather, the Dazai presented to us in the source material, at least outwardly, was quite often much more childlike and bratty, as is befitting of someone his age.

Now, that doesn’t mean that these things weren’t still going through his head even in these moments, or that he wasn’t much more mature than the average teen, because as I said, it’s still ultimately very clear throughout the book that they were and that he was still every bit the cold, analytical genius that we know him as today, but rewriting his personality in the show to always blatantly reflect that in lieu of having him hide it beneath the guise of a rather ordinary, if slightly spoiled, boy who just wanted to enjoy himself and threw tantrums when he didn’t get his way absolutely removes so much of the nuance, significance and chilling impact of the moments when he genuinely does drop that act in the source material — especially in one scene where he was first introduced, whilst talking to Mori in his clinic about the current state of the Mafia.

Originally, the conversation between the two individuals unfolded rather differently, with Dazai appearing to mostly ignore Mori’s complaints about the state of the organization in favor of whining about his own boredom and demanding the former doctor to do something about it — that is, until the subject of the assassination of the previous boss came up, and then he suddenly turned serious.

Disturbing, isn’t it? Indeed, I think that anyone would be remiss to say that this approach wasn’t far, far superior in setting this unnerving yet intriguing scene and properly portraying the characters to its viewers, when compared to its pitifully weak and simplistic animated counterpart.

Certainly, the conversation about Mori’s decision to take Dazai as his accomplice in usurping the Mafia’s ‘throne’ did happen even in the television program’s retelling of the tale, as did the bandaged boy’s accusation that the older man had been counting on him to successfully commit suicide after that event, but neither of these things were done in such a way that it had anywhere near the same amount of impact it should have — and this is all almost entirely because of their unfortunate choice to change Dazai’s outward demeanor.

Because Dazai in this version is almost constantly his usual dark, serious-minded, Dark Era-reminiscent self rather than showing off his more childish side, Mori often reacts entirely different to him than intended — no longer ever really treating him in a way appropriate to his age, but instead, taking him seriously at almost all times and usually possessing little tolerance for the few youthful antics he does engage in; this, in turn, leads to the destruction of a great many important scenes and the information they would have otherwise been able to provide about everyone involved in them.

In this particular case, the rewriting of Dazai’s personality to be so openly mature and analytical from beginning to end completely prevents there from ever being that chilling moment when he suddenly shifts from the guise of playful childishness to deathly, cold seriousness, and the resulting major alteration in the relationship between mentor and mentee ensures that Mori is never frozen inside by the boy’s previously hidden power of observation and inner darkness, taken aback that such an unassuming teen could so easily put him in such a terrible spot with no prior warning whatsoever. No, on the contrary, Mori is never the least bit truly bothered by the accusation in the way that he should have been, for he already knows and accepts this is something Dazai is very capable of, and even expects it from him.

Strangely, even for as openly pessimistic, cold, and calculating as they may make Dazai out to be here, this somehow still does not stop them from carefully adapting out basically any mention or display of Dazai’s needlessly sadistic side towards his allies, despite the fact that in any other story they would have almost doubtlessly left that in, and while you may be seeking to question if this was actually an intentionally premeditated act or just a simple error of judgement, I must assure you that based upon the effect this choice has on the framing of the tale as a whole and the false narrative they are very clearly trying to push throughout, it is very decidedly the former.

Yes, although they have indeed already shown Dazai’s shameless tendency towards tormenting and toying with even those closest to him throughout the rest of the anime without restraint, that is not at all the approach taken within their interpretation of this particular mini-arc, as they make one choice after another to cautiously remove or alter anything which rightfully should lead into one of these moments, all for the purpose of making him appear much kinder and more caring of a person than he actually was. As for why this matters so much to them, even when it clearly contradicts everything we’ve learned about him before and defies every expectation we should have of how he would act, that is a matter which is better saved for a later point in this article, when it truly becomes most relevant; right now, the only thing that I want to bring to your immediate attention is how conveniently the omission of Mori’s sudden shock and fear over Dazai’s unexpected change in tone also results in the loss of the twisted delight and amusement the boy verbally admits he felt in making the poor doctor internally squirm and the reveal that he enjoys doing this to people just for fun.

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[wesleyhill]

The God of the Transfiguration

A homily on Mark 9:2-9, preached at Trinity Cathedral, Pittsburgh, on the last Sunday after the the Epiphany 2021

This week, starting on Wednesday (“Ash Wednesday”), we will be entering the liturgical season of Lent.

How do you think about Lent?

Many of us may understand it as a season to try to break free from some bad habits — you know, by giving up sweets or gossip or “doomscrolling.” Or we may think of it more in the mundane terms of the regular rhythms of the seasons. Lent, after all, gets its name from the lengthening of the days that will lead us out of dark winter and into lighter spring. Maybe you think of Lent as a time to start planning a landscaping project or cleaning out a forbidding closet.

But, if we’re Christians, we shouldn’t think of Lent as being primarily about self-improvement or warmer weather. Instead, Lent is a time for us to try, with concerted intentionality, to “keep company” with Jesus as He moves toward His death in Jerusalem. (That’s the best way I know to think about what the Prayer Book means when it calls us to observe a “holy Lent”: we’re meant to try to watch and pray and “be with” Jesus during His journey towards the end — the goal — of His life.)

Lent lasts for forty days, which correspond to the forty days that Jesus spent in the wilderness being tested after His baptism. Many Christians find it helpful during Lent to slowly read through the Gospels and ponder each of their scenes slowly and think about how they speak to us today. Our goal during Lent is to walk along with, watch with, observe, and accompany Jesus, to try to relive His earthly life with Him, to put ourselves in the shoes of those who were closest to Him, to see what they saw and hear what they heard, to get as close to the life Jesus lived with us and for us as we can.

So here we are on the last Sunday before Lent begins, and the folks who decided on our Bible readings for today knew exactly what they were doing. We heard just a few moments ago the story of Jesus’s transfiguration from the Gospel according to St. Mark. If you read the entire Gospel of Mark, you’ll see that shortly following that episode, Jesus sits on a donkey and rides into Jerusalem as the King, the anointed One, of Israel. So it’s especially appropriate that we would read about His transfiguration just before we enter the season when we recall His journey to Jerusalem and His suffering and death, which is what Lent and Holy Week are all about.

The story of Jesus’s transfiguration is a strange and mysterious one. Jesus takes His three closest followers, Peter, James, and John, with Him up a mountain, and there, on the mountaintop, His appearance is completely changed. Mark tells us that “His clothes became dazzling white, such as no one on earth could bleach them.” And two of the greatest figures from the Old Testament — Moses who led God’s people Israel out of their slavery in Egypt and gave the people God’s law and Elijah who spoke the word of God to God’s people and who was taken up to be with God in a supernatural fiery chariot — appear with Jesus and talk with Him (as St. Luke’s Gospel tells us) about His impending death in Jerusalem, His redeeming work that He is about to accomplish for the world. This is a miraculous epiphany, a tearing back of the curtain of ordinary life to show us a glimpse of a reality that would be otherwise hidden.

After Peter makes a bumbling attempt to domesticate the whole scene, a cloud appears and envelops these figures on the mountain top and then “from the cloud there came a voice, ‘This is my Son, the Beloved; listen to him!’” God the Father declares that this man Jesus is His Son, the One whom He loves and whom He has sent into the world. And He exhorts Jesus’ disciples to heed His words, to pay attention to Jesus and believe what He says and do what He enjoins.

It is a dramatic, wondrous, awe-inspiring scene. And what it shows, at its heart, is the radiant deity of Jesus — His equality with God the Father, the fact that Jesus, “true God from true God,” as the Creed says, lives a life that uniquely discloses the nearness and tenderness, the purposes and judgment of God. We see that especially in St. Luke’s version of the story, where we read that Jesus’s “face shone like the sun.” The sun shines from its own white-hot light. The moon merely reflects the sun’s light, shining with borrowed radiance. But the sun emits light from itself. And that, says Luke, is how Jesus shone on the mount of transfiguration: His face and clothing flashes like lightning not simply because someone else is lending Him brightness but because He is radiant in and of Himself. He is the LORD of Israel in human flesh, the eternal God clothed with our own humanity but, in this moment, no less glorious despite His state of humiliation. The human life He lives displays and communicates the depths of the life of God Himself.

Now, after this episode, if you were to keep reading in the Gospel of Mark — and I encourage you to consider making Mark part of your daily reading and meditation during this Lent — you would find that, almost immediately, Jesus predicts His suffering and death and resurrection: “The Son of Man is to be betrayed into human hands, and they will kill him, and three days after being killed, he will rise again.” Maybe if we heard those words in another context, we wouldn’t find them all that remarkable. After all, we know the story of Holy Week, the story of Jesus’s shameful execution, the story of the Passion. But let’s ponder this morning the fact that Jesus’s prediction of His death comes right after one of the clearest, most brilliant stories that shows that Jesus is divine — that He is one with the LORD of Israel. What does that mean for our understanding of Jesus and our relationship to Him?

What the transfiguration shows us is that Jesus is one with the Creator, He is the source of all life and light — He is not other than, not external to, the one and only God who is the wellspring of all that we know as nature and history and experience.

And what comes afterwards — what we are about to pay special attention to during Lent — shows us that this very One, this Jesus, who is true God, undergoes and bears up under and endures to the end all the extremity of our human condition. He, the radiant, resplendent One, suffers unjust imprisonment, unfair interrogation, false accusations, and brutal, shameful execution. He endures the most emasculating, horrifying punishment the might of empire could devise. And He does this as God. It is the One who shines with a light purer and stronger than the light of the sun who will give up and give away His life for our sake in a few short weeks.

As we move toward Good Friday, friends, when we will keep watch with Jesus as He is condemned and fastened to a cross and hoisted into the air for mockery and derision and death (and, at the same time, as St. John tells us, for exaltation and coronation), we are reminded today, at the outset of our long Lenten journey, that the One who will undergo all this suffering and loss and humiliation on our behalf is none other than God Himself, who is “Light from Light,” the shining, holy One of Israel.

The One whose suffering and death we will shortly commemorate is not a mere human being, not just a man, not simply a creature. Rather, the One whom we will watch with and weep with as He is condemned and executed in Jerusalem is God. It is God who will yield His life for us on Good Friday. It is the Creator and Redeemer of Israel, the true Lord of the whole world, who will give up His very own flesh for the life of the world — for you and for me.

Let this shining vision of Jesus’s glory that we heard read today be a measure to us of just how far God will go to make us His own forever.

To God be the glory, for ever and ever. Amen. 

[ohblackdiamond]

liner notes/unused joke summaries for kiss fics (part iv)

Despite what my general dislike of the shift key and my tendency to mock all that I love might imply, I actually overthink everything I write to a great extent. I make no claims to these explanations being in any way enjoyable, but if you wanted to know what I was thinking while writing KISS fic… now you do. Part one can be found here. Part two is here. Part three is here. 

little t&a --If Paul had boobs, they would be big and Gene would want to grab them.

>>Title from a Rolling Stones song of the same name; most of the chapter titles are from another Stones song, “The Spider and the Fly.” I started it during quarantine as a means to occupy myself and destress, and didn’t initially plan on posting it at all. Once I’d written five chapters without having posted it or mentioned it to anyone, I figured, well, I guess this might as well go somewhere, so I put it up. I had the hope that it’d give me something to strive for during the stress of lockdown, and I’d assumed that I wouldn’t ever have that much time to devote to a story again.

There were a couple of things that really inspired me. I’ve always enjoyed sexswaps as a bit of a guilty pleasure, but wanted to do a different take on them-- there’s this tendency for sexswaps to either be wacky hijinks or an excuse to write particularly brutal noncon. There’s also a tendency for the sexswapped character to almost automatically start adopting stereotypically feminine traits he didn’t have prior, with no real reason for it. I wanted to try and avoid all that as much as possible.

... There’s also another tendency for the sexswapped character never getting back to normal, and I wanted to avoid that, too. I mean, c’mon, KISS is supposed to start the Love Gun tour a month after the fic. Paul can’t exactly pull the trigger of a love taco. (Maybe gently brush it a bit...)

I had Paul already cursed for five days at the start of the fic because I thought it would make things easier and allow the plot to advance more quickly. I also felt like it would give him more autonomy-- prior to Gene showing up, he has tried (albeit in small ways) to get a handle on what’s happened to him, and while he’s hermited it up, he hasn’t given up. Autonomy in general was pretty important for me re: Paul. (Incidentally, probably one of my favorite things about this fic is that Paul’s made that poor twelve-year-old kid on his bike buy him sanitary napkins.)

I wanted to explore a couple of other things, too, mostly rock and roll’s (and KISS’ in particular) pretty heinous treatment of women. Gene and Paul argue in the eighties that groupies know the score from the beginning, and even postulates that those relationships are more “honest” than just taking a girl out to dinner. They’re not alone in this (and, of course, as married men, these days they try not to discuss those times at all); almost every band/artist from around that time period will give you the same answer. “The girls know what they’re doing.” I think many of them did know. I also think many of them came into those hotel rooms expecting a lot more than they ever received, and I think plenty of girls ended up at the very least disappointed by their encounters, if not humiliated or worse.

I don’t know if this was successful, but I also wanted to at least try to poke a few holes in celebrity/idol worship as well. Carol’s scathing comments to Paul-- “they [fans] think there’s something you’ve got that they can get at, but there’s not” pretty heavily exemplify behavior I’ve seen at conventions, fan meet-ups, etc. At the end of the day, well, there’s no point in putting them on much of a pedestal. I dunno. I’ve seen some weird crap in the name of fan worship, in and outside of RPS. Keith Richards talks about it in his book-- girls urinating on themselves out of sheer nerves/excitement just at seeing the band, etc., which, while disturbing, had to have given them a sense of being something beyond ordinary (and act accordingly, of course).

I don’t know. I like them a lot, but I can’t hero-worship these guys; they don’t live in the real world. They’re not, ultimately, relatable or accessible despite the billions of photos, the twitter posts, the meet and greets-- any more than they were 40-odd years ago. I think there can be a real danger in thinking they are. I wanted to show that, too, but again, I don’t know if it came across properly.

One of the aspects I really struggled with was getting a good handle on Paul’s innately slippery sense of identity without it overtaking the story entirely. Gene’s very stable identity was a good foil, and it helped that most of “t&a” is from his point of view, rather than Paul’s.

Another place I faltered with was Paul’s outing alone at CBGB. The first draft had the guy in the club slip quaaludes into his drink, but I really didn’t like that at all and felt it took too much control away from Paul/punished him for going out on his own. I thought it’d be more interesting if Paul deliberately took what he knew was a dangerous combination (alcohol + quaaludes) in the hopes that would make him feel better about sleeping with someone he didn’t care about.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, having him do that (and the way the scene with the guy at the club ends) also meant that I couldn’t have him hop right into bed with Gene that night, either, so that accounts for some of the delaying. I was also really wanting to make sure in general that when Gene and Paul finally did go all the way, there wasn’t any feeling of being coerced or pressured. Not that Gene would do either of those things, but I didn’t want him or Paul to be doing it out of any feeling of obligation or hurry; I wanted it to be as natural as possible, under the circumstances. And I wanted, again, Paul’s dubious sense of self and Gene’s ambiguous feelings about Paul(’s boobs) to come into play-- yes, Paul, now you, too, can take Gene on the amazing technicolor dreamdate you’ve been fantasizing about for the last seven years! Or, you know, not. Overall, there are some pacing issues and the story slows down considerably after Gene takes Paul home from CBGB, but I like to hope that most of the scenes add something.

There were a couple of secondary plotlines that got scrapped because I couldn’t get them to fit well enough with the narrative. One of them was Paul’s very troubled relationship with his sister, Julia. There’s a fair amount of references to her scattered throughout, and Paul brings her up on several occasions, generally without much provocation, and generally at mildly odd moments (at Central Park and immediately after getting drawn by Gene being the standouts). There was an initial draft of the chapter in which Ace calls Paul, where Julia’s the one calling Paul instead (after having gotten his number from their parents). I wanted to at least get the start of a reconciliation going between them. Ultimately I scrapped it because I couldn’t get it to flow with the main plot and never felt like I’d ever explored it thoroughly enough for it to be worth a detour.

The comparison between Paul and Carol is pretty blatantly obvious, even in the narrative. Paul and Gene both recognize it (Gene, initially, when he notes that Carol doesn’t seem to belong at 54 any more than Paul does), and it makes them highly uncomfortable. (Mary-Anne, Carol’s friend, also notices it-- “she [Paul] reminds me of Carol. Just pitiful.”) They’re both very shy, insecure people that have thrust themselves into a world they’re not naturally suited for (show business) in order to achieve their own ends. They’ve both put great stock in a single person who helped them (inadvertently or not) during a dark time, and are driven by those feelings, despite knowing that person is out of reach.

Physically, they’re intentionally mostly opposite (Carol’s short, with a slight build, lighter hair, blue eyes, vs. Paul being, well, Paul-- tall, fuller build, black hair, brown eyes). But narratively speaking, neither of them are described as beautiful; “cute” and “kind of pretty,” sure, but nothing past that (except when Gene says it towards the end). That was important, too, for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted to further the comparison between them; two, I wanted to at least try and dispel the idea that all groupies were glamorous; many of them were rather ordinary-looking.

Paul not being “playboy material as a girl” was very deliberate. I feel like a lot of sexswaps tend to make the guy in question end up a ridiculously hot babe, which didn’t quite jive with what I was going for (not that I wanted Paul to end up awful-looking, but...). ... He’s probably hotter than he thinks he is though; at least, Gene didn’t mind at all, and Pete thought he was pretty. I wanted him to be recognizable if one knew where to look (face, body language). I didn’t want him to end up a tiny, frail-looking waif-- given what he looks like as a dude, that didn’t make sense to me. So this meant the less perfect attributes had to stay and carry over to a female body. He ended up with big boobs because... well, honestly because if he wasn’t going to end up with a great figure overall, he might as well have great boobs. And I mean, really, his chest’s already pretty all right as-is.

I didn’t want there to be a love triangle, but I did want it obvious, at least in an offhand way, that Peter and Paul had had sex (Ace mentions it in the car with Peter, with his “how long did it take you”). I wanted to incorporate Ace and Peter to as great an extent as possible in general.

Marbas is an actual demon from The Lesser Key of Solomon, although other than the few sentences Paul reads off from that grimoire, there’s not much more information on him to be found. 

[mst3kproject]

The Manster

Who has two thumbs and is back on terra firma with working wifi?  This MSTie!

As for my chosen subject this week… I don’t think I have to justify this one.  It’s called The Manster, as in a portmanteau of man and monster.  It was directed by a guy who mostly made cheap-ass jungle movies, and stars a bunch of embarrassed actors who don’t know how they ended up here.  It’s old and it’s dumb and it’s often pretty funny though never on purpose, and the perfect stinger moment comes very early in the film… you’ll know it when you see it.

So we have Dr. Robert Suzuki, who lives on top of a volcano.  When people have ‘Dr’ in front of their names and live in isolation with a bunch of blinky light machines, that’s usually a pretty good clue that they’re mad scientists. Tragically our hero, Larry Stanford, is not that observant (Larry’s obliviousness would have been a constant target for Mike and the bots and he would have deserved all of it).  He’s a reporter who wants an interview about Suzuki’s theories on the causes of mutations, but too bad for him, he arrives just as the mad doctor has run out of family members to experiment on.  Under the influence of Suzuki’s injections he’s soon devolving into an animalistic frat-boy, drinking, carousing, and murdering… oh, and he’s growing a second head. Will that be a problem?

So basically this is a werewolf movie with a fake mustache on… or perhaps a Jekyll and Hyde movie of sorts, as discussed in the denouement.  It wants to explore the dichotomy of good and evil in every one of us, using the very silly device of a two-headed man.  I have to say, I understand the metaphor, but it wasn’t put to nearly good enough use.  The movie would have been ten times more fun if we’d gotten to see Larry and his second head arguing over whether or not they’re going to kill somebody.  Not better, mind you, just more fun.

As far as just being a movie goes, The Manster is better than a lot of things I’ve watched for this blog.  The characters have names and look different enough that you can tell them apart, the story makes sense on its own terms and everything that happens is relevant to the plot.  Photography is honestly pretty good and the actors are competent.  All this happens to be in the service of a really silly story with awful special effects (I love Larry’s rubbery second head bouncing as he runs) but it’s engaging enough that you want to keep watching.

What I really like about The Manster, however, is that it offers a lot to analyze.  I’m not sure much of it is intentional.  The Jekyll and Hyde side of the story is elucidated in an ending speech, as Larry’s friend Ian tries to reassure Mrs. Stanford.  He says there was good and evil in Larry, and they’ll just have to wait and see which side wins.  This is not a very satisfying ending, really.  We’ve just seen Larry’s evil side plummet to its death into a volcanic crater… and the surviving good side is under arrest as a serial killer.  Dr. Suzuki and his assistant, the only people who could testify that Larry was not responsible for his actions, are both dead.  This guy’s going to jail.

The really interesting thing in the movie, though, is one that comes up by accident.  Dr. Suzuki’s work is on evolution – his theory is that cosmic rays can induce mutations, producing new species more or less overnight (this is called ‘macromutation’ or ‘the hopeful monster theory’, and lurked on the edges of the mainstream in the 40’s and 50’s) and he hopes to induce the same effect chemically.  When he tries, however, his efforts invariably produce monsters.  Emiko, his wife and former research partner, turns into something resembling the closet monster from The Brain that Wouldn’t Die.  Kenji, his brother, turns into a yeti, and a similar fate awaits Larry.  These mutants cannot understand human speech, and their behaviour is irrational and violent.

This implies a couple of things.  We hear vague mentions of Dr. Suzuki experimenting on fungi, but his heart is mostly in his human experiments.  That tells us that his goal is to speed up the evolution of humanity, and one presumes that this is intended to improve us somehow. Of course, this is not how evolution works.  Evolution does not make things better – this is why biologists have mostly dropped the descriptions primitive and advanced in favour of the more neutral basal and derived.  Dr. Suzuki’s quest is therefore quite misguided, as illustrated by his monsters. In no way could they be considered ‘better’ than humans – in fact, they’re significantly worse at surviving and reproducing (the thing natural selection selects for) than ordinary people are.

There’s another layer here, though.  ‘Evolution makes things better’ is a misconception that’s been around since Darwin, and dates back to even earlier ways of organizing the natural world.  When Linnaeus created the classification system for living things that we’re still saddled with today, he did it under the believe in the Great Chain of Being – the idea that you can order everything that exists into a hierarchy with mold at the bottom and god at the top, and that after god and the angels humans are the best thing that exists (as proved by our being the only creatures able to create classification systems).  It’s an idea that appeals to human vanity and to our need to impose order on the natural world, and it isn’t likely to go away anytime soon.

With that in mind, perhaps there’s another reason Suzuki’s experiments fail.  If you believe that humans are the best living thing around, particularly if you believe we are the image of god on earth, then maybe it’s not possible to improve on us.  Any change you make to people that takes them away from humanity will automatically make them worse.  This idea does appear to be manifest in the fates of Emiko, Kenji, and Larry, all of whom become more apelike, less ‘advanced’, as they change.

In that case, what does The Manster think makes for a good human?  We see a little of Larry before he starts to mutate, so we can compare that with what he becomes.  Rather surprisingly for a movie of this vintage, the fact that Larry is white seems to be pretty incidental.  He is a foreigner in a faraway place, but this serves mostly to drive a wedge between him and his wife Linda.  Except for a couple of rather troubling moments, the film does not present Japan in an exotifying light.  We do see things like a bathhouse and a geisha bar, but these represent Larry’s personal slide into debauchery, rather than the country as a whole.  We also meet normal working people among both the Japanese and the American expat community – reporters, police officers, and even priests.

There’s a very nice bit, actually, where Larry comes upon a Buddhist priest praying, and when he realizes this man doesn’t speak English, Larry takes the opportunity to unburden himself.  It makes him feel better to talk about his moral quandaries aloud, and the fact that the priest doesn’t understand him means he cannot judge him.  This is a very relatable and human moment, one of the best in the movie.

Unfortunately, it also segues into a couple of the most distasteful things in the film.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed, Larry does murder the priest, but before he does, he stares at a particular statue in the shrine – a representation of a three-eyed, fanged being that I am in no position to identify, although it looks a bit like Vajrapani.  Before Larry grows a full second head he sprouts an extra eye in his shoulder, and the implication is that the three-eyed statue draws his attention to the monster within himself. I don’t know much about Buddhism but I do not like the idea of casting another culture’s religious figures as symbols of monstrosity.  The west has done plenty enough of that.

But back to the question of acceptable humanity. We watch Larry get drunk, violent, antisocial, lazy, and promiscuous, which tells us that the ‘good’ man is the opposite of these things: sober, peaceful, friendly, hardworking, and chaste. The film pays particular attention to how Larry relates to women.  The fact that he’s been faithful to his distant wife is established early on, and one of the first symptoms of his devolution is his willingness to discard her.  First he makes out with a couple of girls at the geisha bar, and later he takes Dr. Suzuki’s assistant Terra (who has a tragic backstory but we frustratingly never find out what it entails) as his mistress. On the phone with his wife Linda at the beginning of the film, Larry tells her he loves her and promises to be home soon.  Later, when she comes to Japan searching for him, he shouts at her and makes a show of preferring Terra.

One conversation he has with Linda is particularly revealing.  He tells her he has no desire to settle down in one place and wile away his time drinking coffee and playing bridge when there’s a big wide world out there.  She asks him what about her plans, and he declares he will ‘put her in her place’ and ‘slap her down’.  Since this is when Larry is the opposite of what a good man should be, we can take from it that a good man respects his wife and takes her opinions and needs into account.  For the late fifties, this is actually kind of surprising – I’ve seen films from a decade or two later that were far more backward about this.  So hey, points for that.

All things considered, The Manster is a pretty well-made movie.  It’s dumb and full of clichés, such as the man scientist destroyed by his own creation, the femme fatale who sacrifices herself for the hero because she’s fallen in love with him, theremin music to represent the monster’s appearance, etc etc etc… but it’s competently put together and whether intentionally or no, contains a lot of interesting material. It’s the sort of movie I can watch repeatedly and always find something new in.  Definitely recommended viewing for the 50’s Monster Flick fan, although with the caveat that there is a scene in which one character urges another to commit suicide.

[piprocrastinator]

Ease of Mind

This one is super duper long.

This story has love confusion, snuggles, and even some kisses. Some JoongNine coming at ya.

(I actually posted an excerpt of this a little while ago and finally finished it, after altering it a few times because couldn’t decide how I wanted it to end.)

Rated: T for T because of language.

Word Count: 12,230

We recognize a soulmate by the supreme level of comfort and security we feel with that person. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues that remain to be ironed out. Rather, it means we know intuitively that we can resolve issues with our soul mate without losing his or her love and respect. – Linda Brady

The day he stepped into the practice room for the first time, he knew that Joong was something else. Since the first moment, he laid on eyes on this kid -correction this boy, no, man? No, he was still under eighteen that’s a boy.. teen?- Nine knew Joong was going to be a pain in his ass. He was loud, boisterous and had more energy than one should hold within a singular body.

The damn energizer bunny, that’s what he was.

How was this kid supposed to be ‘Ming’? Ming who was like a puppy, and flirtatious? Joong flirtatious, yeah right.

Somehow though, he managed. Joong reeled in his energy, positioned it towards the art and, somehow, he made a pretty good Ming.

Although it had taken many hours -and days- of practicing lines and acting cues. Plenty of sessions centered around getting to know each other. Copious amounts of coffee, sleep deprivation, laughter, jokes, hugs, kisses, acting, teasing and maybe just a dash of luck -and fate. Something changed between them.

Somewhere between late nights were they ran lines together and Nines friendly personality pulling Joong into a zone that made him feel comfortable, they became …friends. Yeah, real and true friends.

Joong likes to think it was fate -something like soulmates maybe, Joong said once- that made them friends, Nine says luck but does it really matter.

All that matters is one moment they were strangers and the next best friends. Their friendship grew fast and it grew strong.

It was great because that meant that on-screen they gave good chemistry but also off-screen they delighted fans with fan service and moments to hold onto. It allowed them to grow a fan base. They were able to just be themselves, enjoy life while doing their job of bringing fans into the show.

Nine was thankful that Joong had found him. Nine liked to be needed, liked helping others, being the center of their attention. It was selfish in a way but it worked out because Joong needed someone too. Joong needed someone to help him get over his loneliness, lend him a hand, be there for him. Joong needed Nine and Nine needed Joong. They balanced each other’s needs.

The only problem was that because of their closer relationship they could easily pick on each, this lead to squabbles, quarrels, and fights. Most of the time they meant nothing, stuff said out of fatigue, exhaustion, or hunger. Sometimes it was accidental slips, words not meant to come out but did. Feelings that slipped through the cracks. Joong was young and impressionable. Joong was sensitive. Joong liked constant reassurance and hated people threatening that reassurance. He hated people teasing about Nine moving on from him, or even the thought that Nine would choose someone else over him.

Because their relationship shifted from stranger to friends so easily and quickly, it didn’t take long before Joong asked to stay over for the first time. It was often that Joong would come over to study or to just hang out. To just not be alone.

Nine had friends over all the time so it wasn’t anything new, or out of the ordinary, or strange. It was late, they had just finished studying and Nine was a good friend. He was a good older friend, who had an apartment.

So when Joong ask if he could stay over in between a yawn, Nine didn’t hesitate to say yes.

His new room, the room was a small one-room apartment, meant for one. His previous room had been a bit bigger, big enough of a futon on the floor, this one, however, did not have as much room. There was little room for anything extra, like say another place to sleep, like a couch or a futon. Especially not a place large enough for one giant man child.

That left the only sleeping option as (hold for dramatic music) the bed. As in the singular kind. Meant for one. The bed that Nine knew could fit two but was small, and emphasis on, made for one.

He wasn’t going to let Joong sleep on the ground, it was cold, dirty and to crampy for sleeping. There was just enough room for walking.

And he wasn’t going to send him home this late. What kind of friend would he be if he did that? A bad one and he was no bad friend.

Ignoring the weird feeling in his gut because why would he feel weird about letting a friend sleepover. He shouldn’t. It wasn’t weird. Why was he being weird? He wasn’t. Ok cool, yeah good you got this Nine. Just breathe and stuff. Nothing strange happening tonight. Or ever.

He mentally facepalmed before taking a deep breath to try and collect his thoughts.

Once his thoughts seem to fall back into their normal lines, he began the journey to sleep. They picked up their mess from studying, showered -separately of course, though it was perfectly acceptable for friends to shower together but that thought of seeing Joong naked did something to Nine that he wasn't sure of and did not want to investigate any further. So separately- changed and then he laid out the ground rules. Which should be expected, right? “No groping, snoring or drooling in the bed or I’ll kick you out.” Simple enough.

Joong smiles, flopping down on the pillow he was given. The bed shifts with his weight in a way that feels weird to Nine. It shouldn’t. They were just laying together in the same bed. And yet. The blankets cascading around Joong, his hair damp and tousled, light flush over his skin from the warm water. “You’re becoming more and more like Kit the further we get into filming, you know.”

Nine pouts, crossing his arms over his chest because, no, he was not. No one -not a single soul- liked drool on their pillows. He opened his mouth to comment when a yawn from the other party stopped him.

Joong was there, on his side of the bed, eyes closed, hand curled by his face looking like the most adorable thing Nine had ever seen. It wasn’t right? Joong wasn’t supposed to be adorable, especially not when he slept.  He was the giant energizer bunny baby, man-child.

And yet, he was.

Joongs lips parted ever so slightly letting out slow puffs of air, as he drifts further into sleep, his nose twitching just so, small tufts of hair brushing his temples as his checks darken with sleep before his face relaxes completely.

It just wasn’t fair that Joong was so cute, Nine thinks with a pout as he turns off the light.

That one night turned into two, -three, four, five- and soon it felt like Joong spent more time at Nine's place than his aunt's apartment. Nine still thought Joong was cute, that strange thought never seemed to go away but sometimes it got overridden when Joong did something gross like tried to sleep in his dirty clothes or that one night when Joong got sick and puked on the bed. That wasn’t cute but Joong was mostly asleep because of his cold so Nine could almost excuse it. Almost. Maybe. It was still gross.

Somewhere around the third week of sleeping over, it happened.

The first time it had happened, it had startled Nine out of his sleep, throwing him back into reality like a jolt of lightning. He blinked into the darkness trying to figure out what had happened. Everything seemed to be in order, the door was still shut, lights were off, Ac on, blankets on.

Man, the blankets were really warm tonight.

Was that what it was, was he too hot? He shifted to remove the blanket and something tighten around his waist.

Something … around his waist?

Hold up. Why was there an arm around his waist?

Reaching down he tentatively touched the arm, the fingers tightened around his ribs momentarily before settling back into their relaxed position. Then he noticed Joong’s breathe against his neck, and the soft heart beating against his back.

He gulped. Should he move or stay… Move or stay... Move or-

He reaches over to the Ac remote and turns it up a notch. Joong was really warm in his sleep. He settles back, pressing his back into Joong’s chest. This wasn’t weird because Joong was asleep. Joong was asleep and he started it, therefore, it wasn’t weird. It was comforting. Like one of those gravity blankets, he had heard about, putting just the right amount of pressure and warmth to create the safest of places. Plus it was dark and they were asleep, it didn’t matter.

His mind seemed to quiet down as the soft heartbeats rumbled into his chest through his back. The beats were asymmetric to his own. Joongs then his.

Ba-dum           Ba-dum.

Ba-dum           Ba-dum

It was a new rhythm all its’s own, such a soothing rhythm. How could two hearts beating, be this calming? His mind filled with sleep as his eyes grew heavy. The fingers twitched with sleep against his ribs.

Then the rhythm seemed to shift ever so slightly.

Maybe in a way, he liked it better.

Ba-dum Ba-dum

Ba-dum Ba-dum

After that first time it happened, it kept happening. Again and again and again. Like, the first night was the opening of flood gates. Or like the first step into a new habit. However, Nine never mentioned the night hugs and neither did Joong. Maybe it was like a secret.

If Nine was being honest he wasn’t entirely sure Joong knew about them because it seemed whenever morning came the limbs were gone. Poof, like they were never even there to begin with. Nine couldn’t tell if Joong was doing it intentionally or just as a reflex of sleep. But every night without fail, Nine would find himself encompassed in arms and legs. And that stupid rhythm lulling him to sleep.

It didn’t matter if they went to bed at 9 pm or 2 am, about an hour later, the limbs attacked. Like tentacles from the Kraken, swooping in undetected till, boom, too late your captured.

Nine tried to dislodge the limbs, not because they were uncomfortable because they should have been and they weren’t. Actually quite the opposite. He liked them. Preferred them over without them. Maybe that was a little nerve-racking, in and of itself, because he was so used to sleeping in his bed, alone, that now that some giant baby, man-child has taken over, he’s suddenly more comfortable sleeping with than without.  

Which was, you know, unacceptable.

You can’t just suddenly be this comfortable with a person. Suddenly allow them to take over parts of your life that you thought you had control over. Suddenly allow them to be a major comforting factor in your sleep.

Maybe he was in a tad bit of denial. Or maybe he wasn’t. He honestly wasn’t sure.

He thought that maybe he could somewhat shift them back into their old ways. Trying to create the old atmosphere, where they slept apart. Then everything would be normal again. Yeah totally. He would understand everything again and not be confused.

Easy plan.

He would move the limbs, they would stay away and then he could he would go back to his old sleeping ways. He could go back to sleeping alone or at least on his side of the bed. They could be two separate people, and not one, at night again.

Perfect plan.

One night -ok maybe more realistically a few nights- he had tried to push the limbs off, he would toss the arm back. Then push the legs away. Then push the body further away. It was step by step process because Joong had a bigger mass than he did.

(Even though he went to the gym, Joong would always be bulkier than him. Such a shame. Sometimes he really hated his tiny genetics. All it gave him was the cute appearance, would he ever be able to pull off the same type of look as Joong? No. But that’s ok. It’s definitely a tangent that he tries to not think about too often because it’s not something he can change.)

He would get just enough time to where he could begin to fall asleep before he would feel the warmth and limbs creep back in. Sometimes roughly, an arm being thrown back over his body, knocking the wind out of him momentarily (feeling like a punishment for trying to move the limbs in the first place) and sometimes softly, like it was trying to sneak upon him, hand sliding over his body, tentatively, delicately, softly to pull him close.

But he was nothing, if not persistent. So he continued to push the limbs away.

When he -finally- came to the conclusion that straight-up pushing the limbs away wasn’t going to work, he tried other things.

One night he tried turning on the AC higher temperature to make the room hotter in hopes that maybe Joong would stay away to stay cool. You know because if the room was hot, you would stay away from the other heat source near you in order to stay cool. Seemed logical. Made sense.

That turned out to be a failed plan very quickly because not only did those octopi like limbs not stay away, they both woke up sweaty and grumpy from uncomfortably hot sleeping arrangements. The next day he had been horribly sleep-deprived and almost fell asleep in class too. He was not doing that again, that’s for sure.

He tried to turn the AC way down in hopes that maybe Joong would curl into himself.

That plan, however, was flawed from the start. Which he should have realized it was a bad plan from the start but he was actually glad that Joong had stuck to him like glue because he became Nine's personal heater. What a twist that was. It was a -surprisingly- great sleep too. Something that Nine hated to admit. Something he would never admit out loud, that’s for sure.

After that he realized that there wasn’t a way for him to actually remove the limbs without A) either removing the person from the bed, which wasn’t really in the cards or B) Telling Joong that he was a booby trap of a sleeping body and he should keep his limps to himself at night. He didn’t really want to tell Joong though. He also, maybe, kind of, didn’t want to lose the limbs.

Maybe that’s why his attempts had failed. They were bad plans and he wasn’t really trying that hard because maybe, in some way, he didn’t want to lose their night time sleeping arrangement.

Maybe, maybe he kind of liked it.

Maybe Nine liked to have his own personal heater at night,- as long as the AC was set to a good temperature- because otherwise, Joong was too warm. Stupid energizer bunny and his stupid amounts of energy that create a warm body temperature.

Joong didn’t seem to notice his efforts to push him away at night nor did he notice how the room stayed just a bit colder from then on.

Maybe, Nine realized, he didn’t want to go back to his old ways of sleeping alone.

Nine had just managed to stumble through a shower -how he took a shower with his eyes closed he would worry about in the morning- before landing in bed just as his mind began to shut down to the world.

It had been a long day, really long. He had an early class, then a test, a meeting with some future work possibilities, a meeting with the company, and then his acting workshop. Then afterward – maybe because he had masochistic tendencies- he had accepted his cousin's request to do a dance together, so he had dance practice with her.

Now, he would admit that he wasn’t the best dancer, it wasn’t a skill that he was vain about or anything. He could do it fine enough and he enjoyed it and so when he received the request he thought ‘why not’. Well, now he realizes that maybe he should have checked his schedule better because he still needs more practice and then they have to film it. Although with his upcoming schedules meeting with her more than once might not be possible, maybe he can get her to film next time they meet instead of putting it off more.

He tried to let work thoughts leave his mind so he could make room for good dreams instead but it just wasn’t working out. He tossed to one side, the cool blankets just irritating him. He rolled to the other side. He was so tired. He was literally too tired to open his eyes during his shower why was he struggling now? He felt stuck in this middle ground between sleeping and being awake. Like he was floating through a fog of sleep instead of into it.

This went one for what could have been minutes or hours, not nearly enough time when he heard a knock or two. Wait, scratch that, like a billion knocks. Did this person not know what nighttime meant?

Groaning, he pushes off the bed, stumbling over the clothes he tossed off in his sleepy entrance to his apartment before grabbing a pair of boxers and slumping into them when his brain finally processed his nudity.

“What?” He growled as he swung open the door, one eye refusing to open all the way and the other opening just enough to glare at the dark figure in front of him.

A shaky sigh answers him and then “You’re not wearing clothes.” The tone was odd, it was soft like the speaker was afraid and maybe the slightest of berating to it.

“I have underwear on.” He snaps back, leaning against the door, it was too late for anyone else to be still up so he could care less about his current state of clothes, or rather lack thereof. If he wasn’t so tired maybe he would care more. Maybe. It's debatable.

Silence and then Joongs small voice, “Nine?”

Nine shifted to push off the door, one hand rubbing his eye while the other reached out palm up, to Joong, who took the invitation. They made it two steps into the room, the door shutting softly behind them before Nine was swept into strong arms, secured tightly around his waist. He could feel the strong timbre of Joongs heart beating rapidly against his chest accompanied by a wet exhale against his neck.

He sighed, sleep momentarily forgotten as he wraps his arms around Joong’s neck, one hand curling in the hair at the nape of his neck, standing up on his top toes to press their cheeks together. Nine notes the dampness against his face, letting his fingertips scratch delicately along the base of his neck in a soothing manner. He remembers his mother doing something similar when he was young whenever he got upset. It always made him feel better so he hoped that it would work with Joong too.

“What’s wrong?” He whispered, softly like a breeze.

“It’s stupid. So stupid.” Joongs presses his face into Nines like he wants to turn or run away but instead has settled for just pressure. Wet cheek against dry -damp- cheek.

“Obviously not.”

“I’m just conflicted." Joong gulps, breathing in. "Everything is so... confusing.”

“What is?”

“I just-“ Nine can feel the flex of his jaw, tightening of his lips before he feels the slow exhale as Joongs face relaxing. Nine can almost feel the thoughts running through Joongs head.“I just ... miss them. It’s really silly because I choose this but it’s Mother’s Day and mom is sick and it’s not anything more than a cold. I know, but I’m here and not there. What if it was something bad? What if something happens to them? What if-” Joongs stops, exhaling like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Nine lets the silence be for a moment, gives Joong a moment to collect himself. “Joong it’s ok to be worried when you’re so far away from your family. No one thinks you’re stupid. I promise. And if they do I’ll show him the old one-two punch.”

He shifts as body as if getting ready to punch but the arms pull him in tighter. Nine breathes in as another stream of wetness attaches to his cheek. “You know you can spend time with me and my mom tomorrow. I know it’s not the same but she loves like family. Plus we sent out that present to your mom two weeks ago, she should be getting it soon." Nine rubs Joongs neck again in some nonsensical pattern. "You’re a good son and your family loves you. My family loves you too. They can be, no, they are your surrogate family while you here.”

Joong lets out a small wet chuckle. "Thanks."

“Plus no matter what happens,” Nines calves ache from their stretched position for so long but he ignores them in favor of leaning more on Joong. “I love you and I’ll always be here for you. And if you think something bad might happen you can always fly back to your family.”

“Yeah.” Joong breathes quietly the word in disbelief as he tilts his head just so, lips touch Nines checks. It’s a soft almost nonexistent kiss. As if he’s just reassuring himself that Nine is there. “Can I stay here?”

Nine drops back to the flats of his feet to look into Joongs eyes, one eyebrow raised before rolling his eyes with a smile. “I’m going back to bed.” He waves a hand flippantly towards the direction of the bathroom before falling back onto the bed and burying his face in his pillow.

There are a few moments with no sounds of movement than a soft step and the sound of the drawer being pulled out. The drawer that sticks when it's closed all the way and most times when you pull it out if it’s not done in the correct way. Joong knows how to wiggle it just so and it works every time for him. That stupid drawer. Joongs drawer, Nine mind supplies as he hears the wiggle before the draw closes without resistance. Stupid drawer.

A few steps, a door closing and then shower starts. It’s weird, this realization that Joongs has a drawer. There was no talk about it. He has just stayed over so much and had left so much stuff behind, that Nine had started putting his stuff in that drawer. At first, it was a joke of sorts because Nine always had trouble with the drawer and he had hoped at first Joong would too but he didn't, quite the opposite. Then more stuff started appearing in the drawer and now, its Joongs drawer. His very own drawer...

Actually, there was a part of the closet that held Joongs stuff as well. His toothbrush was in the bathroom, along with his other toiletries like shampoo and face wash. A sticker on the mirror Joong had put there. Joongs favorite drink in the fridge. His favorite snacks in the cabinet. There was Joong all over the apartment.

He had meant it when he said that Joong was family. He loved Joong, just maybe in a way that he didn’t fully understand but he loved him none the less. Joong was his best friend and someone he felt completely comfortable with. Someone who made him feel safe and warm. Someone he didn’t mind sharing a room or even a bed with. His… someone.

Opening his eyes Nine looks to the other side of the bed. Joongs 'unofficial' side of the bed, because it was the closest to the AC and he was always warmer than Nine. The pillow stood out among the sea of greys and blacks with its red color. A pillow which he knew smelled of Joong and next to it was a round plushie with a smiling face and red circle checks. A squishy mochi. Joong had won it from a claw machine because ‘it’s got Nines squishy checks’. Nine lazily poked one of the ‘squishy’ checks on the plushie. His cheeks were better.

There was so much Joong in his apartment that he couldn’t remember a time when it wasn’t there. Which was weird because they had only known each other for a year now, maybe, and yet somehow, they’ve become this close. He let his fingers trail off the plushie and onto the pillow. He doesn’t want to imagine a time when Joong decides to move back to Turkey to be with his family.

It’s a selfish thought to have but he can’t help it.

“You’re still awake.” Joong sounded surprised, as he stands there rubbing his hair with a towel, the only light in the room was the moonlight through the half-covered window. “It’s late.”

Nine hummed in reply, closing his eyes. The thump of the towel hitting the floor - He would nag about Joong not putting it up properly in the morning - signaled Joongs arrival to the bed. Then into the bed, as it shifts to accommodate the new weight difference. Nine expected arms around him but when none came he looked over to Joong.

There in the shadows of the night, this boy who is usually full of energy, lay silently, staring up at the ceiling. The barely-there light covered his face with darkness in all the wrong places.

“It’s late.” Nine echoed before shifting, pushing Joong to lay on his side. Stopping the minimal protest with a 'tsk' before wrapping his arms around Joong’s waist.

He didn’t fit as well in this position as he did in front because his body type was smaller than Joongs but he would make due. Rubbing his nose against the back of Joongs neck, one hand placed over Joongs beating heart while his other hand let soft fingertips dance along Joong's side. He wasn't as big or as warm as Joong was but he could be soothing like this too. He could protect Joong when he needed it, help him get to sleep during tough times. HE wanted to be there as much for Joong and Joong was for him.

It took a while but eventually, he heard Joongs breathing even out into sleep before he followed after, nose buried in the nape of Joongs neck.

Nine was standing at the counter, the hot plate warming the vegetables. A bowl of meat set to the side in preparation while Nine gets the slurry of curry cube and water ready. He paused as he rinsed his hands, eyes blurring momentarily as they droop with sleep.

“Why am I doing this for you again?”

“I’m studying.” Joong's voice was muffled through the half wall followed by a soft hum. It was a recognizable tone. Nine tilts his head as he listens.

That’s right. “It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone.” He starts with a smile, Joong chair clatters against the floor as he rushes over.

“And I need you now.” He tags in like always. The smile on his face never fails to fill his heart, mind, and soul with happiness.

“And I don’t know how I can do without,” Nine ignores the fact that Joong skipped a line as he grabs Nines hands and beginning some odd version of a waltz including the spinning and one dip as they continue to sing the song. So what if they missed a few words (or lines). So what if their dancing was horrible and Joong stepped on his foot (more than once). He got him back -by accident- a few times, so it was fair.

So what if they laughed until the stench of burning vegetables pulled them back into the present.

Nine wouldn't trade this moment for the world as he saved the remaining -not as burnt- vegetables and cooked the meat. Joong humming beside him. The songs changed as Nine finished the meal, turning to more quiet songs until the infamous song began to fall from Joongs lips as the last minutes ticked by before the food was done.

“Baby take my hand,” Joongs fingers threaded through his, “I want you to be my husband.”

“I just cooked your food, if that’s all it takes you’re going to marry a lot of people.” Nine jokes, trying to pull his hand away. Because he needed to use it for cooking not because it made his heart flutter just a bit.

“Cause you’re my iron man,” Joong continues, his smile growing.

“I thought you only like it when I sing it?”

There was a pause and Joong let go of his hand for a moment before pushing him back against the counter, bracketing him in with his arms. “ Baby, take a chance.” He said softly, eyes glimmering. "Cause I want this to be something."

“Food-” Nine whispers back, heart racing in his chest as Joong leans closer. Nine mouth feels so dry that his tongue is sticking to his teeth, he swallows, twice, trying to quell his sudden nerves.

“Straight out of a Hollywood movie.”

“F-Foods ready.”

“Thanks!” The sudden exclamation startles Nine but he slaps on a quick smile, mostly to hide his nerves, as Joong reaches around him to grab a bowl.

Nine doesn’t wait for any further incidents to happen before he makes his way back to the warm inviting arms of his bed that he had been pulled from an hour ago. The bed didn’t seem as comfortable as it was before though. The blankets were too cold, the pillow wasn’t fluffed right.

Nine huffs as he pulls the covers over his head trying to ignore the sound of Joong prancing in the kitchen as he ate.

He should be mad at getting woken up at, who knows when in the morning, after spending all night tutor Joong, to make food for Joong but he wasn’t. He should have been mad at the loud half-humming and half-singing in-between bites that Joong was doing mere feet from his bed, but he wasn’t.

He wasn’t even mad when the covers got pulled away so Joong could show their fans his face as he praised him on his cooking skills.

To be honest he was only mad that it took so long for Joong to finally get to bed because before that moment Nine was stuck drifting between awake and asleep until he was captured in those long arms.

He couldn’t tell if he imagined it or not but just as he finally drifted fully into sleep he felt soft lips press against his nape.

It was probably his imagination though.

Nine rolled over, the sun rays just barely peaking in through the window. The curtains only partially covering the window in a poor excuse to block the light, which he really should fix because no one lights getting woken up so early by the sun.

Joong lay beside him, limbs splayed out like a starfish, mouth cracked open. He had plenty of time before he needed to be up, so much so that he defiantly needs to go back to sleep. Yet, he couldn’t. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to will himself back to sleep but after a couple of minutes, his eyes opened again, refusing to close for sleep.

He pouted and shifted, pulling the covers closer, and closer, stuffing them between his legs. Closing his eyes again and nothing. He rolls over to face away from Joong pushing one leg out of the burrito of blankets he created. Closes his eyes and guess what, nothing.

He sighed. Rolling back over again, pulling the covers over his face as he huffs. He doesn’t want to get up yet. He wants to sleep.

“Nai,” Joongs voice fades out, he shifts. Nine holds his breath as he peeks out of the blanket with one eye to see Joong still sleeping. He waits with bated breath. Then he shifts his legs again as he tried to find the perfect position when an arm curls around him pulling to Joong's side.

“More minutes,” Joong mumbles as he pulls Nine close, laying him over his chest. Nine stares out of the little hole he created in his blanket burrito at his still sleeping friend. What now? He tried to move but the arm was still there, holding him close

He lay his head down on the chest, heart beating right into his ear. It’s the same rhythm that puts him to sleep most nights. He wonders if it could put him to sleep now-

The next thing he hears is his alarm going off, he feels Joong shift and the alarm goes silent.

“Nai “ Joong mumbles out, “Time to get up.”

Nine was still cradled against Joongs chest, blankets had shifted to cover them both instead of burrito just him. It wasn’t super comfortable to sleep against a chest but it was comforting. Comforting in a way that was uncomfortable to Nine.  Which was too deep for morning thoughts to be.

Then a nose nuzzled the crown of his head before dropping a small kiss before Joong extracted his limbs.

Nine pretended to be asleep as Joong shuffled around the apartment until Joong deemed it necessary to get him up. There was little resistance when Joong pulled the blankets off and ushered him to the bathroom.

After that Nine managed to make it through the day with normality and like protocol neither mentioned their sleeping arrangement. Which was great, super fantastic-

“You wanna go drinking tonight?” Nine asked hours later as he walked out of class. Ben on the other end of the line hummed.

“I guess. Random hoes or you want the crew there?”

Nine smiled he knew he could count on Ben. “Random, so no Earth and no Pavel.”

Ben made a noise something between shock and amusement. “Chen?”

“No.” Nine almost shouted in his hast. He could feel the smirk through the phone and he didn't like it. Not one bit.

“I see.”

"See what?"

Ben never did answer what he ‘saw’ but they did manage to dance in a crowd of strangers and drink until Nine wasn’t sure which way was up and which way was his feet. Ben defiantly wasn't any better, maybe even worse. Though Nine couldn't tell. He's going to say worse because Nine is a good kid and as long as someone is drinking more than him he doesn't feel that bad.

Although realistically it's probably him. Most definitely him.

“Do you want me to call you a cab?” Earth said as he helped Ban off the couch, the boy had passed out a couple of minutes ago. Thankfully, in Ben's case, he had been drunk texting Earth and because Earth is a sweet boy who was concerted for Ben's safety, he decided to come and take him home. Such a sweet boy, that Earth is.

“No.” Nine tried to stand but stumbled back into his seat with a giggle. "I’m independent. I don’t need a cab.” He waggled his finger and tried to throw a sassy look.

Earth seems wholly unamused. “I’m calling Chen then.”

“Nooo.” Nine whined, pouting as he lightly flailed his arms against the couch. He was not acting like a child at the moment. But his arms sure were.

“Cab or Chen?”

Nine deepened his pout and added puppy eyes. The puppy eyes always get him what he wants. Earth did not fall for that trick and instead called a cab before helping both Nine and Ben outside to wait by the curb.

“What if I wanted to drink more?” Nine whined as he leaned against the light pole, the cold seeping in through his clothes felt nice against his hot skin.

“No.”

Nine stuck his tongue out. “You're not my mom.”

Earth shots him a look that could have killed him but the alcohol lucky saved him. Score one for alcohol. Wait, two because it got him to this point. Two points for alcohol.

“I should have called Chen." Earth huffed, glancing over to Ben who was slouched over on the ground passed out. "He’s better at handling you.”

“Not true-“ Nine squeaked as Earth pushes him into the cab the moment it arrives at the curb, told the driver his address and slammed the door just as the next cab showed up. Efficient, Nine thought vaguely as the cabbie drove off.

“Long night I see.” The cabbie glanced at him through the review mirror.

“Yeah.” He huffs.

“You sound heartbroken?”

Nine shrugs but it catches him off balance and he topples over to lay in the seats instead. “I don’t know. I like him but it’s weird. Because we’re friends and like, I’m his friend.”

The cabbie hums, fingers tapping on the wheel. “Maybe you're meant to be more than friends but you’ll never know because you’ve already assumed that this is the path of love you're meant to be on.”

Nine tried to answer but he didn’t have one. It was a beautiful saying and accurate, what was he to say to that? No? That he was wrong? He was honestly too drunk to think of anything else to say anyways.

Maybe this was the path of love he was supposed to be on, being friends forever. That's not too bad though. He could probably live with that. Maybe. He did like Joong though. Like the kisses on his head. Arms around him. Maybe he was just lonely.

He pondered over the words as he tried to keep the sudden bile from coming up. The alcohol plus the motion of the car were not sitting well together.

Bummer alcohol loses a point for this.

Nine managed to pay the cabbie and stumble up the stairs to his room. It took him a few tries but he managed to unlock his door. He steps out of shoes and strips off his clothes -because they smelled like alcohol and cigarettes- before crawling into bed. Those strong arms immediately trapping him close. Fuck he really liked those arms around him. It's just the alcohol talking, he was sure.

“Nai...?”

“I like when you called me that.” Nine mumbles as he snuggles into those arms. “My heart always does ‘ba dum ba dum’ really fast when you do.”  His spinning world begins to slow down as a tentative hand runs down his back.

“Nai,” He whispers the word like he was tasting fine wine, trying to gather it on his palate and keep the taste.  And then not more normally, “You're naked”, his words sounding a mix between confused and concerned, and some hidden amusement to them. Joong pulled the covers around Nines waist, tugging them tight so he wouldn’t get cold.

“You kissed my shoulder and my head.”

Palpable silence before Joong exhaled and answer. “Yes.”

Nine tried to open his eyes but they refused as rolled back under the safety of his lids, he exhales as he forced the words out. “I like you. Kissing me.”

“Of course you do, I’m a great kisser.” Joong teased gently.

Nines' mind drifted a little at the answer, his eyes wavering in the dark. The alcohol grabbing hold of him in a last-ditch effort to pull him into sleep as his tongue sticks to his teeth. The words crawl out slowly, like his subconscious pushing them out. “I love you.”

Nine feels softness against his lips, a feeling he’s felt before but this time the emotions are different. It’s not a job or for pictures, it the silence of the night, the glow of the moon, the beat of the heart. Words whisper across his lips. He can taste them, the words, feel them moving down his throat and curling into his heart.

----

Nine woke up the next morning, groggily slapping the bed to try and find his phone. The screen flashed noon with a few missed text and calls. A few from Earth trying to find out if he was alive. One from Ben asking the same.

He can’t remember much, the club, the drinks. Earth sending him off. He wonders how he made it home since his recollection of it is mostly scattered darkness and warm.... warm arms?

He looks around and Joong is nowhere to be seen. It’s not abnormal to wake up and Joong not be there at least in the apartment somewhere. He wonders if Joong stayed over, was he there when Nine got home?

Something inside him felt ... off. Like he should be thinking about something and wasn’t. Was he missing a class or a meeting or.. what was this feeling?

He needed to ask someone about this, he needed to understand.

A couple of days later after their company meeting, he decided he would ask someone to help him out. He glanced around the room, everyone was packing up to leave, talking about what they were doing afterward. He just had to figure out who would be able to best answer his question. Who should he talk to...

Pavel or Dome?

Pavel or Dome?

Pavel or ... Ben? His mind supplies as said boy walked past him, bag in hand and hair still tied up in the top of his head like a palm tree.

No, not Ben.

He needs someone more… open. Someone he knew had already past the torch -was that a euphemism or did he just make it up, he was sure he heard it somewhere before- someone like-

“Hey, Pavel.” Nine called as he jogged over to Pavel whose hand paused on the handle of the door, “Do you have a second?”

Pavel looked to Dome with a questioning glance before turning towards Nine. “Depends on how long you need, we were about to head out.”

“It won’t take long. I promise.”

Pavel arches a brow before sighing. “Fine.”

“I’ll go on ahead then.” Dome waves as he leaves, leaving the two of them awkwardly standing by the door until Nine ushers them into a nearby empty room.  

“Alright bottom, what’s up?” Pavel smirks while leaning on the table.

Nine rolls his eyes, “First off, that’s Kit. Second, really?”

Pavel shrugs noncommittally clearly still amused by their interview a couple of weeks ago week. “Fine, I’ll be serious.” Not sounding serious in the slightest. “What can I help with?”

“Well...” Nine starts, suddenly feeling the embarrassment burning his ears. Shuffling his feet he looked everywhere but Pavel, “The thing is... I... Uh…”

Pavel grabs his arms stopping his movements and forcing them to lock eyes. “I’ve got a very handsome man who is only in town for a short bit along with a supportive family waiting for me to go eat with them and as much as I would love,” the word was uncomfortably saccharine causing Nine frowned at it, “to wait for you to find the words. I don’t have time so how about instead I gue-“

“How do you know if you like someone as more than a friend?” Pavel’s hands drop from Nines arms, settling in his hips in a pensive pose, as Nine finished off in a quieter tone. “Like romantically?”

Nine bounces on his toes, fingers fidgeting with his shirt. Pavel normally playful expression has been morphed into a serious one.

“There’s a fine line between like and love.” Pavel says finally, after way too many beats of silence in Nine opinions. “The difference between liking someone and loving them is minute. Because the one you love is your best friend … but better.”

“Your best friend?” Nine mimicked.

“You wouldn’t date someone you couldn’t be friends with because that means you’re not compatible with them. You have to be compatible with the person your gonna date.”

“Compatible.” Nine mimics again and earns a questioning from Pavel.

“I guess the biggest question is, this person whom you think you like romantically. Is this person someone you could see yourself spending large amounts of time with? Sleep next to them? Waking up with them in the morning? Kissing them? Miss them? And most importantly...” Pavel grabs Nines' wrist holding the between them, forcing eye contact again. “Could you see yourself having sex with them?”

“Ahh!” Nine tried to break free so he could cover his ears but Pavel’s grip stays strong as his laughter fills the air. Nine could only pout and whine, “Why?”

Pavel chuckles as he lets go of Nines' wrists once he settles down. “I’m only partially joking. You do have to think about it though. If your answer to ‘do I want to have sex with them?’ is no. Is it because you don’t want sex at all? Or because you don’t think you could have sex with that person? If it’s the latter, maybe you shouldn’t try to do anything romantic with them because maybe you’re not compatible in that way.”

“What if... if I want to...” Nine asks tentatively, look up at Pavel with wide eyes, scared expression “But I’m not sure if they do? How do I know if they just want to be friends or like something... more?”

Pavel tilts his head, tapping his finger to his chin. “Unfortunately,” shrugging with one shoulder, “You’ll just have to ask them.”

Nine scowls, “Isn’t there like… some way that I could tell without asking?”

“Sorry kid.” Pavel ruffles his hair, “But my times up here. Good luck.” Pavel gives a two-finger salute before heading out leaving a still confused, pouting Nine standing alone in the room.

That night Nine sound himself staring at the wall as he waited for Joong to finish his shower, Pavel’s words repeating through his mind. There was no way he was going to ask Joong how he felt. He couldn’t risk Joong thinking he was weird. What if Joong were to get mad at him and never want to snuggle again? Or more importantly what if he didn’t want to be friends anymore because of the question? Nine knows he’s not a homophobe or anything because of the show but that didn’t mean that Joong wanted to be best friends with someone who was... gay? And wanted to ... kiss(?) him.

Because yes, Nine had come to the realization that he did, in fact, want to kiss Joong in a way that was not related to work. He wanted to kiss Joong like Spiderman and Mary Jane in the rain. Like the two main leads from the notebook that his sister made him because he’d never admit that he likes that movie but he wants that kiss. The one where they run-up to each other and hold each other in their arms and kiss, passionately.

How silly was he for wanting that? It was too much, this silly feeling inside him. He didn’t want it anymore.

Arms wrapped around his waist and small kiss dropped to his naked shoulder and Nines body relaxes almost instantly. Legs molded behind his and then a tender nose buried in the base of his hair, nuzzling gently before Joong stills and the light snoring, signaling sleep, plays through the room.

He wanted to do all the things with him. He wanted to hang out with Joong, all the time. Cook him food. Take care of him. Help him study. Joong was his best friend. Best friend.

But he also wanted to fall asleep next to him. Wake up with him in the morning. He wanted those small kisses on his shoulders and other places. During the time when he was awake and an active participant. It’s weird because he’s kissed Joong, many times for the show but it’s different without the camera and people there. It’s different when it’s Nine and Joong and not Kit and Ming. When he’s on set he doesn’t have the same feelings attached but here, in the dark, he wants Nine and Joong kiss. He wants feelings there.

The only thing he wasn’t 100% sure about was …the sex. He’d never had sex, though he has gotten close on a few occasions. And he especially had never had sex with another man before. It was scary to even think about it. He knew some basics from when he read the 2moons book in an effort to understand kit more but he wasn’t sure how accurate the book was, plus Beam was in pain the next day.

Was that how it always was, painful the next day?

Why did so many guys ... bottom if they are in pain the next day? Was it always painful? Was the experience that good that you dealt with the pain? Would he even bottom if the situation every arouses? Would Joong?

Nine sighed rubbing a hand over his face, he had more questions now than before.

“Nine.” A small voice whispered against his neck, “Are you ok?”

“...Y-Yeah.” He stuttered trying to hide the tension in his voice.

“You’re mumbling...” Joongs voice seems to drift in and out of consciousness. He mumbles something else but it’s unintelligible.

“I’m sorry Joong.” He pats the arm around his waist before grabbing the hand and pulling it up to kiss the knuckle. “I’ll figure this out.”

He places the hand over his chest, his own places onto of Joongs as he forces himself slide into a fitful sleep. Question flying around his head like a bullet in a gunfight, ricocheting off his consciousness.

It started when they did a live together and fans were once again, asking if they were dating. Nine jokes that it was there decision. Which was a joke but Joong seemed to take it as a hit? He sulked the rest of the night.

“Do you think dating me would be a joke?” Joong asked.

“No. of course not.”

“Would you only date me because the fans told you to?”

“No, I want to date you because I want to. I have nothing to do with them.” Nine fires back. He’s not entirely sure how this started up, it was just a joke to the fans.

“You want to.” Joongs tone is suddenly different. Softer, questioning. It raises red flags in Nines head.

“I-”

“You want to date me?” Joong asks with an even tone. Nine wants the yelling back. “As in the present tense. The current state of wanting.”

“I..” Nine starts then stops. He needs to word this carefully. He didn’t have enough time to plan out his words. He wasn’t even sure if he was ever going to tell Joong his real feelings. “I..”

“Do you like me? Like that…?”

“I… Joong…” Nine mouth flaps like a fish but he can’t find the words.

Joong nods before getting up and leaving. The door shuts quietly behind him filling the room with such a heavy silence that Nine feels suffocated. He grabs his chest, tugging on the material. It hurts. Hurts a lot.

He doesn’t know what to do now. Does he follow? Let him have space? Does he pretend it never happened?

--

There was no Joong for the next week.

Radio silence between them.  Nine pretended that it didn’t bother him. He pretended that everything was fine. That nothing was wrong even though everything felt wrong. It felt like the earth was shifting beneath his feet and he was stuck just watching it move. He was at a complete loss as to how to go about this situation, let alone how to fix it.

Everything felt wrong and it hurt.

He stumbled into the bathroom in the morning a week after the fight and his world crumbled just a little more.  Joongs toothbrush stared back at him, taunting about how alone he was currently.

It was stupid, everything was stupid. Joong was ignoring him. Joong stuff was still here. His side of the bed still smelled like him. That stupid mochi still stared at him. But it all felt too much. The apartment felt too big for just him.

The world felt too big for him lately.

Well, he thought with as much strength as he could muster if Joong was going to hang out with his own friends and ignore him that Nine was going to do the same.

So he hung out with his friends more, his family more too. He filmed with his sister and his cousin. He studied more. Practiced more. Then at night, he counted sheep until the sun rose and he pretended that nothing was bothering him.

Because nothing should be bothering him.

Joong was just a friend and friends didn’t need to be with each other all the time.

Except, it kind of felt like he needed to be with Joong. At least maybe just a little.

He moved Joongs toothbrush into the medicine cabinet to prevent himself from throwing in the toilet out of anger.

A few more days past with no sign of Joong but they had a company meeting so Nine knew that he would at least see him. It wasn’t much but you know, slight hope. Maybe.

He wasn’t expecting to see Joong flirting -openly- with the new intern. Or a bit later to see Ben nudging him teasingly as he congratulating him on his ‘night’.

How did Ben know that Joong had gone out with someone and he hadn’t? oh right, they hadn’t talked.

Was that why Joong had pulled away? He felt awkward that Nine had feelings for him when he was talking to someone else?

Wait, Had Ben just implied that Joong had lost his virginity?

The though halted everything in Nines mind. Not because he was mad about it. Joong was his own person, but because it was so sudden. Joong hadn’t even been with someone two weeks ago. He didn’t know Joong was like that.

Now Nine wasn’t sure what to think. He was already troubled with what he was supposed to do and now this.

Nine sat on the other side of the room, trying his best to close off his ears to the other conversations. He wasn’t ready to hear about Joongs ‘night’ yet. He wasn’t ready for Joong to be dating, kissing or doing anything else with someone. He had just come to terms with his feelings for the tall boy, he wasn’t ready to have them squashed yet.

He wasn't ready to not be the center of Joongs life.

So many emotions played through his head. Worried, heartache, anxiety, sadness. Too many emotions over someone who was just a friend. Over someone he wished wasn't just a friend.

He could manage to push it all back until the end of the meeting. He could ignore every pang in his heart. Smile and laugh when necessary until the meeting ended. He could do it, he was an actor after all.

“How’s it?” Pavel says as he plops down in the seat beside Nine, “Did you figure out your feelings?”

Nine looks to Joong and Ben with a frown before looking back to Pavel. “Yeah.”

“Why do you sound sad about it?”

“It didn’t work out.” Nine said picking at his jeans.

“So you talked to them?” Pavel questioned almost rhetorically, setting his chin in his palm as he sent a questioning look to Nine.

Nine scowled at his jeans, “Not exactly.” He shifts in his seat, cross and then uncrossing his legs, “But I think it’s obvious they don’t feel the same.”

Pavel leaned back in his seat, stretching his legs out in front of him. “I’m not going to push you into anything you’re not comfortable with but you never know for sure and they might like you back.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway.” Nine looked over at him with a tight-lipped smile. “You flirt with Dome a lot.”

Pavel laughs loudly and the room quiets momentarily to look at him before he waves them off. “Trying to change the subject I see.”

Nine shrugs, a small fraction of smile try to show on his lips.

“Dome and I are happy the way things are.”

“What are things?” Nine relieved for the change in topic. Silently thanking Pavel for this brief reprieve.

Pavel shrugs. “You know, things.”

Nine shots him a glare and Pavel smiles back as he answers casually. “Dome travels a lot and has school and I’m working on pursuing my career, modeling and starting my own clothing line.” He shrugs. “We’re busy”

Nine pulls one leg up in the seat, wrapping his arms around it. “You flirt with each other all the time.”

“I flirt with everyone,” Pavel answers back honestly.

“Does it feel different with him?”

Pavel shifts, pursing his lips. “If it does?”

Nine pulls his other leg up to lay his head on them, looking at Pavel. “Do you have feelings for him?”

“If I do?”

Nine snorts, rolling his eyes. Then he sighs and looks into Pavel’s eyes, asking. “Do you?”

“I love Dome but where we are in life right now, it’s not romantic.” He shifts in his seat as if he wants to say more, lip sucked between his teeth before he smiles. “I’d be lying if I said we never did anything together.” Pavel nudges him with a wink “Friends with benefits, you know.”

Nine covers his ears with a groan. “Pavel!” Again his loud laughter silences the room momentarily.

“You can be jealous all you want.”

“I’m not-” Nine grumbles before huffing. He was jealous. Jealous because Pavel and Dome had some semblance of a relationship that worked from them and he couldn’t even talk to Joong because stupid Joong had been avoiding him.

“Like I said before, gotta talk to them. Dome and I got to where we are right now because we talk to each other. We were open from the start about what we wanted and needed. It's a good relationship,” Pavel leaned in closer, their faces almost touching, his a low whisper yet his words were as loud as screaming. “Plus I know for a fact Joong wants that with you.”

Pavel just smiled at Nines wide eyes expression as he sputters out. “How did you-”

“Alright, guys let’s get started.” Their produce calls closing the door behind him.

Nine let his legs fall back to the ground and as he sits up straight. Pavel knew. Nine eyes Pavel before he slowly looks to Joong on the other side of the room. Joong’s expression shifts from angry too passive as soon as they make eye contact. What was his problem?

Nine picks at the hole in his jeans. There’s no way that Joong wants to do those things. Pavel is just being facetious. Joong has been actively avoiding him because of mention just that. That Nine wanted to try and date Joong.

Although, admittedly, he did miss Joong. A lot. Maybe he should try and talk to Joong. If not about his feelings but at least to see where they stood.

To see if they were even still friends.

--  

They did not end up talking, at least not for a little while. Though it wasn’t for lack of effort on Nines part, because he had tried. He tried to stop Joong before he left the building after the meeting but Joong dodged him like some prisoner on the run from the cops.

Nine had tried texting him. The messages still hadn’t been read yet.

He stopped by Joongs apartment, a couple of times and to no avail, the door stayed tightly shut.

Even now, as he stood in front of the door, the door which he knew held Joong because the other had just finished a live with his cousin. He knew the asshole was in there. Nine bangs on the door a few more times, each time louder than the last.

“Open up you fucker!” He resisted the urge to slap his mouth, he didn’t have to follow those rules if Joong was going to be ignoring him. “Why are you ignoring me?!”

Someone opened their door down the hall shushing him, he apologized softly before turning back to the door.

“Why?” He whisper-yelled letting his head fall against the door, hand twisting the knob listlessly. “Why?” He whispers this time, to not disturb the others on the floor.

He was mad. Beyond mad. Nine was confused and angry and wanted to punch Joong in the face. He couldn’t understand why Joong was doing this. Why was he being like this?

-----

It was three days after that when he finally -Finally- heard something from Joong. And by heard something it was more like was attacked by.

It was past one in the morning, Nine had been trying to sleep when his door slams open. Startled, he jumps out of bed and grabs the first thing he could, running at the dark figure.

He tripped over a shirt, stumbling before half-kicking and half- bouncing off the wall to punch at the dark figure. It connected with a grunt. A hand shot out and grabbed his wrist, his other hand reached out to hit with his … A lotion bottle. Fuckin great weapon choice there Nine, he mentally berated as he swiped at the attacker with it. Another hand reached out and grabbed his wrist so tight the lotion bottle tumbled from this grasp. Nine shifts to one leg, pushing his knee up only to have his body pushed back. Stumbling around feet and forgotten clothes on the ground, they crashed into the bed.

“Stop trying to hit me.” The voice growled as Nine tried to bring his knee up again only for it to get capture between an elbow and an abdomen. “Stop it.”

“Joong?” Nine freezes, recognizing the voice, “What the fuck?!” He tried to twist so he could use his elbow as a weapon but Joong pushed his wrist out straightening his arms along the bed.

“Stop trying to hit me.” Joong said again, a little more forcefully this time. Hands tightening around Nine wrists almost painfully.

“I’ll stop hitting you when you stop attacking me in the middle of the fucking night!”

Then silence. Heavy breathing echoed through the room.

Nines heart racing against his chest from both fear and curiosity. Why had Joong suddenly shown up? Better yet, why the fuck was it in the middle of the night like some crazy person breaking into his apartment?

Then after a prolonged silence, Joongs hands relaxed before extracting themselves completely from Nines as he sat up. Slowly moving to across the room to shut the door, flipping on the small light in the kitchen.

Nine sat up, swiping a shirt off his floor as his nerves started to settle, leaving behind only chill bumps on his skin.

“Why are you here?” He asks softly as Joong grabs a water bottle from the fridge.

“You said I was always welcome.”

“Tsk.” Nine throws a nearby pillow at him, it smacks his leg before falling to the ground unnoticed. “It’s one in the fucking morning asshole.”

“I thought we weren't cursing anymore.”

“Fuck you.” Nine grabbed the mochi plush to fling at Joong as well, this time it hit his stomach before landing on the ground, rolling a few feet before staring at Nine with its smiling face. At this moment he wanted nothing more than ripping the smile of the plushies face.

Joong pushed off the counter, tossing the empty bottle into the sink before taking two steps forward and stopping. “Are you angry?”

“Am I-” Nine fumbles off the bed, stalking forward, arm pulled back, ready for action. “Am I angry?!” He swung, connecting with Joongs cheek, not nearly as much force as he wanted but at the bottom of his heart, he didn’t actually want to hurt his friend.

Ok, maybe at this moment, just a little bit.

“Yes, I’m fucking angry!” This time the punch connected with Joongs stomach.

“Nine,” Joong starts quietly as he grabs the hand flying his way before a third hit could land. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry.” Nine tugging at his wrist, “You’re sorry?” He repeated louder. What kind of statement was that? Joong was sorry so he crashed into his house in the middle of the night and attacked him. Because he was sorry.

Nine struggled to get his hand free as Joong stared intently, waiting impatiently for him to calm down. “Sorry is not an excuse. You’re still an asshole and I don’t accept your apology!”

“I’m sorry,” Joong repeated.

“Stop it!” Nine struggled harder, his free hand pushing at Joongs chest. “Stop saying things you don’t mean.”

“You’re crying.” He froze at Joongs words and he felt it, the tear roll down his cheek. “I’m sorry.”

Nine opened his mouth to yell again when he was pulled roughly into Joongs chest, arms wrapping tight around him. Nine tried his best to ignore the tears that flowed down his cheeks -they didn’t deserve his attention- as a hand cupped his neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop,” Nine answers with a wet, shaky voice. Nine hands thump against Joongs chest before pulling the material into his fist. “Stopping saying things you don’t mean.”

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

"You can't just avoid me and ignore me and then waltz in and expect a ‘sorry’ to fix everything." The hands tighten around Nine and a small sniffle was pressed into his neck. "Why?" He croaked out.

“I’ve been so confused after you admitted that you might want to date me.” Joong starts slowly swiping his fingers over Nine's wet cheeks, “So I went to my cousin for help and she recommended that I try and date a girl.”

Nine pushed at the chest but the arms didn’t budge. “She told me that I might be confused, that I was just spending too much time with you and because we are close friends and I've never had a girlfriend before, that I was just confused. I just need to try and date girls. I mean I was, no am, confused. She set me up with one girl but I left halfway through the night because she wasn’t… wasn’t right. I couldn’t figure out why until the next girl my cousin set me up. That girl was… was too much. She was too…”

“Too?”

“Too female.”

Nine let his arms fall to his sides, shifting his head to wipe his cheeks on Joong's shirt. “So you stopped talking to me because you dated a girl who was too female?”

“No, I avoided you because throughout that whole date all I could think was that I wanted it to be you instead.” The room shifted, something felt different in the air almost like a fog or the way the world felt calm before a storm. “We were drinking and she kissed and touched me and I tried, I really did, I tried to like it. But she wasn’t you. And I hate myself for not liking it. I hate myself even more because I wanted it to be you touching me in that way. I wanted to be kissing you and touching you.”

“You lost your virginity to a girl you didn’t like?”

“No, I pushed her away because we were drunk.” Joong snapped back.

The room was too warm now like someone had turned off the AC. Nine shifted pushing at Joongs chest again but this time the arms loosened and Joong took a step back. “I’m still confused.”

“I talked with Pavel today. Or rather Pavel kicked in my door and talked to me.” Joong shoves his hands in his pockets, lowering his head. “He said I was being stupid and destructive.”

“He’s right.”

“Maybe.” Joong shrugged, “Yeah, he was right,” lips creeping up into a small smile. “But he also helped me understand.”

“Understand what?” Nine furrowed his brows.

Joong waits till he catches Nines' eyes before he says, “That I love you.”

“Bullshit.” Nine growls, Joong stumbles at the push. “You-”

“Nine wait.”

“I cannot believe you. I accidentally let it slip that I might be ok with us dating. Not in a joking manner and you ignoring, avoid me and make me think that you hate me.” He growls when he feels more tears on his cheeks. Why was he even crying? It just fueled his anger more as he wills himself to stop the tears. “I was so worried I’d lost you as a person. As a friend. You made me rely on you. Need you. Love you. And left me like I didn’t even matter. You didn’t even have the gall to talk to me about your problems. ”

Nine took two heavy steps forward, hands outstretched. “Then waltz back into my life in the middle of the night.”

Nine pushes at his chest forcing Joong to take a step back, “Tell me that suddenly you're gay.”

Another push. “Tell me that you love me”

Another push and thump as Joongs back connects with the wall,  “You just expect me to forgive you. Pretend nothing happened.”

Joong slowly reached up, fingers wrapping around the hands on his chest. Joong leans in slowly, his lips brushing over the wet cheeks. “I know I did a stupid thing. I’m sorry.”

“Yes, you did.”

“I know that now.”

“Good,” Nine huffs. “I’m glad you realize that.” Nine lets his shoulders drop as the tension seems to ease in the air.

“Do you accept my apology now?” Joong kisses the cheek again, suck just a bit so it popped when he pulled back. Nine pouts swiping at his cheek. Joong chuckles doing it again just to see Nine nose scrunch up in annoyance.

“I’m getting there.” Nine answers, wrapping his arms around Joong's neck.

Joong stared down at him with a soft smile. Nine shared one back. “You know if you are gay you can’t get rid of it by dating a girl.”

Joong groans, his head falling back to hit the wall. “I was confused and someone told me it might work. Plus like what if I was just confused…" Joong head lulls to the side, glancing at nine with a smile. “I mean it’s just you that I like.”

“Do you still like girls?” Nine asks ignoring the subtle flirt.

“I guess, maybe… Do you?”

Nine shrugged back. It hadn't really thought about too much. He still found girls attractive but since Joong showed up he hadn’t actively wanted to date anyone, male or female, just Joong.

“I think I might like both,” Joong admits, shifting to meet Nine eyes. “I’m not sure of too many things in my life. I know that I like being around you. I like holding you.” Joongs hands tightening around Nines' waist. “I like it when I’m the reason you smile.”

“I do have a cute smile.”

“You have cute cheeks.” Joong chuckles at the glare, moving slowly to kiss Nines other cheek. “I think the realization that maybe I did love you and that you might actually love me back through me off-kilter. I just needed time to process. Figure things out.”

“You needed Pavel to slap you back into shape.”

Joong rolled his eyes, “Yeah maybe. Maybe I did just need someone to spell it out for me.”

Joong kisses the cheek once more before moving to kiss Nines temple. “To tell me why I liked having you in my arms.”

A kiss to the forehead. “Why I craved your attention.”

The other temple. “Why, you made me feel complete”

Another kiss tot her forehead. “You know why?” Nine hummed in reply.

Joong kisses his nose. “Because I loved you long before I realize it. Maybe since the day I meet you.”

The lips kiss the corner of Nines' mouth. “Like I was fated to love you.”

Nine snorts, ducking his head, ears and cheeks burning at the admission. “I’m still mad at you. Being sweet won’t change that.”

Joong smiles, nudging his face up with a finger on his chin before leaning in for a small peck. “It might help.”

“You’re still getting punished.” Nine pinches the back on Joongs neck earning a hiss.

“Kinky.” Joong wiggled his brows then laughed when Nine smacked his chest.

They talk a bit more, trying to gain a better understanding of what they were now before Nine ushered them to bed when he realized how late it was.

“Nai, where’s my toothbrush.”

“In the cabinet.”

“Why?”

“So I didn’t throw it in the toilet.”

“Yeah ok make sense I guess.”

When Joong was finished brushing his teeth, as they settled in bed, Joong didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Nine. Push his face into the back of his neck, even dropping a few soft kisses.

“Now that we’re, you know dating and whatnot, you should talk to me instead of avoiding me.”

“I will, I promise.”

“You better.” Nine pulled Joongs hand to lay over his heart.

“Goodnight Nai.”

Nine turned enough to kiss fully on the lips. It was soft and gentle. Like a refreshing breeze on a hot day. The feeling of things falling back into place. Nine pulled away with a smile, rubbing their noses together before shifting back around.

“Goodnight Joong.”

Rather than being about excitement and lust, a soul mate relationship is characterized by such things as a shared life path, a sense of comfort and ease, and a genuine liking of each other. – Katherine Woodward Thomas

[nonbinary-octopus]

Virgil the Wee Vampire Part 6

The Sixth Part

Summary: Roman jumps to a conclusion. Logan gets an opportunity to educate.

Content/Trigger Warnings: (small amount of) blood, medical description of vulnerable blood vessels, death mention, mild fear/intimidation

2602 words

Chapter 1: The Hungry Little Vampire

Masterpost

More stories

~~~

Roman loved his job, he really did, but tonight he wanted nothing more than to get home again, especially as it drew toward evening. His thoughts kept drifting back to the vampire back at the house, and his two housemates. Hopefully nothing bad happened to them.

Roman sighed, forcing his thoughts back to the task at hand. Getting distracted with pins in hand was always a recipe for disaster, and he needed to not stab the actor standing in front of him. Roman pursed his lips in a frown, making a minuscule adjustment in his pinning.

"Okay, spin," he said around the three pins still held lightly between his teeth. "Let's see how it fits."

Talyn grinned, spinning round slowly. "Fits like it was made for me!" they exclaimed.

"It very nearly was," Roman replied absently, looking at his handiwork with a critical eye. "Mm-hm, looks good. Get your costume buddy to help you take it off, carefully, and I'll sew it up."

Roman was a wizard with a needle and thread, but these were fairly simple seams, and he found his mind wandering again as he sewed. The sun had nearly set by now, and the vampire would be waking up soon. Roman regretted not borrowing one of Logan's thick textbooks to weigh down the lid of the terrarium. Just how strong was a vampire the size of your hand, anyway? Vampires in stories were always much stronger than humans, but vampires in stories were also as big as humans.

Also, the vampire had tasted the blood of the only two people home. Sure, Patton was the only one he'd actually bitten, but he'd had much more of Logan's blood. What if he'd developed a taste for them? What if, somehow, the vampire broke out of his container and drained both Patton and Logan of all their blood!?

"Ow!" Roman looked down, frowning. He'd pricked himself, right in the soft part of his thumb. He pulled it away from the costume and looked at it. One bright red drop appeared, and Roman scowled at it as though he could intimidate it back into his body. Of course, that didn't happen, and Roman got up with a sigh. Normally, he would have just put on a bandaid to make sure he didn't bleed on the costume, but now he wondered if, when he got home, the vampire would be able to tell that he'd been injured.

Stop it, Roman scolded himself, sticking his thumb in his mouth and getting out the first aid kit. Logan said that the vampire is probably harmless. He pawed through the metal box one-handedly, looking for the dot bandaids. And anyway, his thoughts continued as he finally found one. He's so little. There's no way he could drain even one of them, let alone both. Logan had said that too. Roman put the bandaid on his thumb and went back to sewing.

Finally, he was done. Roman packed everything up so he could go home.

The sun was well below the horizon as Roman drove home. The vampire had probably been awake for some time now. Roman wondered what was going on, and firmly forbade his imagination from running off into the darker possibilities.

All seemed calm. Roman unlocked the side door, letting himself in, and latched it again behind him. At first glance, nothing was out of the ordinary. But when Roman started into the rest of the house, he froze in the doorway between the kitchen and the entryway.

Dragon's old terrarium was on the table. Its lid was off. And it was empty. The vampire was loose. Was he still in the house, or was he outside, and doubtless long gone? Roman was sure that Logan wouldn't have intentionally released the vampire yet, not with all the questions he had. Had the vampire escaped on his own? Where were Roman's housemates?

Roman rushed through the living room and down the hall. He burst into Logan's room, and the nerd, sitting at his desk, jerked up from his book.

"Welcome home, Roman," Logan said coolly.

"Hi Logan," Roman said. "Did you know the vampire got out?"

Logan was on his feet faster than seemed humanly possible. "What?"

"The terrarium is on the table, lid off, empty!" Roman said. "Where's Patton?"

Logan frowned. "I don't know." He strode out the door, and Roman scrambled to keep up.

They checked Patton's room. It was vacant. The two housemates, rather worried now, continued down the hall into the living room.

"Here he is," Logan said, relieved. Patton was asleep on the couch that separated the dining area from the living room. Roman hadn't seen him from the kitchen because lying down, he was shorter than the back of the couch, and then in his panic, Roman had run right past him.

"Oh, good." Roman came over. Noticing that Patton's hands were cupped over something on his chest, Roman asked, "What's that he's holding?"

Logan learned closer. "Not sure."

The thing Patton was holding ducked further under his hands.

"It's the vampire!" Roman gasped.

"Virgil?" Logan questioned. "Virgil, come out of there."

A tiny face peeked out at them from between the sleeping Patton's fingers, but Virgil defiantly stayed put.

"Virgil, come out," Logan said again, more sternly.

"No."

Patton stirred, finally, blinking up at the other two. "Hi…" he said softly. "Whatcha doin so close?"

"Patton," Roman said in a deliberately calm voice. "Don't panic, but the vampire got out."

There was a squeak from inside Patton's hands, and Patton glanced down at them. Virgil looked fearfully back out at him.

"No, it's okay," Patton said, still a little sleepily. "He's right here." He started to open his hands to show them, but the tiny vampire started to tremble, latching on to Patton's shirt again. "He's just a little shy," Patton apologized, folding his hands over Virgil again.

"Why are you holding him?" Logan asked.

Patton hesitated. He didn't want to expose Virgil's sorrows to them just for the sake of an explanation. Finally, he said, "We were cuddling. I guess we fell asleep."

Roman's eyebrows rose. "You decided to just cuddle a bloodthirsty vampire… and he let you?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure that was a wise decision?" Logan asked. Patton scowled at him.

"He was upset, Lo! And he doesn't eat cookies! How else was I supposed to comfort him?"

Logan sighed. "Very well," he said. "I trust that you are both unharmed?"

"Mm-hm," Patton said. He brushed his thumb down Virgil's arm. "Can you two back off a bit? I think you're scaring him."

Logan immediately took a large step backward. Roman, pouting, stayed where he was until Logan tugged on his sleeve. Then he backed up to stand next to Logan.

Slowly, Patton sat up, keeping one hand carefully cupped around Virgil. "Do you think you can let go, buddy?" he asked gently. "I won't let them hurt you, I promise."

Slowly, Virgil released his grip on Patton's shirt, and Patton pulled him away. There was a bit of wriggling, which ended with Virgil sitting in Patton's open palm, Patton's fingers curled protectively up around him.

"Good job, kiddo," Patton praised, stroking Virgil's back with the back of a finger from his other hand. Virgil leaned into his touch and gave off the distinct impression that if he was capable of it, he'd be purring right now.

"Impressive," Logan murmured. "He seems very calm around you."

"You've tamed him!" Roman added. Virgil hissed at him, and Roman flinched back.

"He just… I just showed him a little kindness," Patton said. He touched Virgil gently on the top of his head. "I imagine this must all be very stressful, huh, Virgil?"

The little vampire nodded, but he didn't look very stressed now. In fact, he seemed rather pleased with the attention he was getting, from Patton anyway.

Roman sputtered. "Patton, he's a vampire!" he said indignantly. "He bit you!"

"I know," Patton said, rubbing his fingers against Virgil's scalp. Even more than before, Virgil looked like he might start purring at any second. "But he was starving, Roman. And it didn't hurt, and he didn't drink much."

"That reminds me," Logan said. "I should check on your bite." The nearest first aid kit was under the coffee table, and Logan crouched to grab it. Turning around without standing up, he sat at Patton's feet. "May I roll your pant leg up?"

"Okay."

Logan did so, and then, the first aid kit sitting open beside him, carefully peeled the bandaid off.

"How is it?" asked Patton, who was carefully not looking.

"Astounding," Logan said. "It's all healed up." He cupped Patton's calf in his hand and brushed his thumb across where the wound had been. "Tender at all?"

"No."

Logan made an impressed sound. "You can barely tell you even got bit," he said. "There are still two little marks, but I think they'll fade."

Roman leaned over to get a look. "It's only been a day!" he exclaimed.

"Yes," Logan agreed. "And yet, in under 24 hours, Patton's bite has completely healed up." He packed the first aid kit back up and put it away. "I think you're good to go, Pat."

"Yay!" Patton cheered softly. He grinned at the others. "Logan, does this mean that you don't have to cut your finger anymore?"

Logan glanced at his hand. The bandage around his finger was stiff, and he knew it would take a while to heal, even if he didn't aggravate it more. "Well, I would like to run some tests on our little guest's saliva before I'd feel comfortable letting him bite anyone. But if it is indeed safe, if would certainly be a better option than using a knife."

"I'm sure you're safe," Patton said to Virgil, who looked happily back up at him. "You can bite me if you have to."

"Patton, no!" the other two protested at the same time.

Patton pouted. "But he bit me before and I'm fine," he said. "Besides, we're friends now. Virgil wouldn't hurt me. Would you, kiddo?"

"He's probably older than you," Logan commented as Virgil shook his head. "And that's not the point! He could have germs, or something."

Patton made a face. "But Logan," he protested. "Cutting your fingers up isn't safe either! You could get an infection! Virgil knows what he's doing."

Logan had to concede that point.

"Are you hungry, Virgil?" Patton asked gently. The little vampire nodded. "Okay. Where do you want to bite? Do you wanna bite my neck?"

"No!" Logan and Roman exclaimed together.

"Patton, biting the neck is something vampires in stories do if they want to drink all of your blood," Logan continued disapprovingly. "Your carotid arteries are right there, and they bleed very easily and profusely. Your jugular veins are next to them, and while puncturing a jugular would be significantly less dangerous than puncturing a carotid, we'd still have to rush you to the emergency room. So, since we want to keep you alive and most of your blood inside your body, having Virgil bite your neck would be a very bad idea."

"Oh," Patton said in a small voice.

"I don't want you to die," Virgil agreed.

Patton looked down at Virgil again. "Well, where do you wanna bite, buddy?"

"Can…" Virgil paused, looking shy. "Can I bite your finger?"

Patton looked to Logan, who just sighed and got the first aid kit out again. "That should be fine. He'll just puncture capillaries there."

Virgil grinned. "Can you, um. Hold me like this?" he asked, lifting one hand with the fingers curled around an imaginary shape.

"Sure, of course," Patton said. He gently wrapped his other hand around Virgil's torso. "Good?"

"Yes." Virgil bent forward, licking Patton's pointer finger between two joints. Patton giggled, and then looked away. Virgil licked it again. Then he bit.

This worked much better than the last time he'd bitten Patton. The human's finger bled easily, and Virgil slurped it up. He was aware of the other two humans watching him closely, but he tried to put them out of his mind. He had permission. Patton wouldn't let them hurt him.

Since the blood wasn't in a cup for him, it took Virgil longer to drink the same amount. But eventually, he was satisfied. He started to pull away, but then remembered what Patton had said about not liking to see blood. Virgil put his hands on either side of the bite, hiding it from view so that he could lift his mouth a fraction of an inch.

"Oh-an!" he said. "An-aj?"

Logan had already gotten the supplies he needed, and when Virgil called out, he was ready in seconds. Virgil licked the last drops of blood off Patton's finger and leaned back.

Logan cleaned the bite wound with an alcohol wipe and put on a small, round, brightly colored bandaid. "There we go. All done."

Patton, who had been carefully not looking, looked now. Virgil patted the green bandaid with his fingers, looking curious.

"How does it stay on?" he asked.

"It's sticky," Logan replied. He had been packing up the first aid kit again, but now he paused to explain. "Like tape. Have you seen tape before?"

The vampire frowned in thought, then shook his head.

"Do you want to see a bandaid?" Logan offered. "We can spare at least one."

"Yes please."

Logan pulled another bandaid out of the box and handed it to Virgil. "It's sealed up in that paper so it stays clean until we need it," he explained. "See how on the edge, the two layers of paper aren't stuck together?" Virgil nodded, and Logan continued, "That's so it opens easily. Grab both flaps and see if you can pull the layers apart."

Virgil followed his instructions, gripping the flaps firmly. He yanked them apart, and the little round bandaid — this one a bright, cheery yellow — flew out. Virgil watched it with wide eyes as it fluttered down to the floor. Logan picked it up and handed it back. Virgil dropped the paper wrapping to take it.

"Okay, so on one side there's the yellow plastic cloth," Logan continued explaining. "And on the other side, there's paper again." Virgil turned the bandage over in his hands, nodding along. "This paper protects the sticky part of the bandaid, so that it stays sticky until we need it. You can peel it off too."

With a nod, Virgil pulled one half circle of paper off. He paused for a moment, and then dropped it over the side of Patton's hand. It fluttered to the floor. Then Virgil pulled the other half off and dropped it too.

"See the white square in the middle?" Logan asked. Virgil nodded. "That's the gauze. We put that against a wound, and the sticky part around it holds it in place."

Virgil nodded again. He touched the gauze, and then the sticky yellow tape. It clung to his finger, and he had to work to get it off again. He looked back at Logan.

"And that's it," Logan said.

Carefully, Virgil flipped the bandaid over so that it was sticky side down and draped it over Patton's finger. He smoothed it out, sticking it down.

Patton giggled. "Yep, just like that, kiddo!" he said. "Good job!"

Virgil turned and grinned up at him. Then he wriggled in Patton's grip. Patton shifted it, holding him in an open palm again.

"Good?"

"Good."

"Now that you're fed, Virgil," Logan said, "May I ask you some more questions?"

Virgil hesitated. "Okay."

~~~~~

Chapter 7: Questions and Bonding

~~~~~

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