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vivalavi-daa · 5 years ago

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Fav 2019 K-Dramas

2019 blessed us with many intriguing kdramas with unique stories, don’t you think? I’m bored during quarantine and decided to post this. Anyways, here are my favs:

1. Vagabond

There, this picture says it all: this drama is fast paced, SO intense, and on fire. I love every minute of it! Vagabond is different than another k-dramas. I’m not lying when I say this drama literally makes me cry and scream. Sometimes I even had to pause in the middle of episode just to catch my breath lol. The plot is so well written and full of unpredictable storylines (which is what I love the most about Vagabond–that every episode always has a way to surprises me). Although, many viewers disappointed with how they ended Vagabond with a cliffhanger. I, too, really hope they consider making the second season to satisfy our curiosities. But either way, I don’t regret watching this drama. Not at all. Because this drama is too amazing

2. When the Camellia Blooms

Unlike majority of romance k-dramas, this drama’s love story is centered around a young woman who raises her child on her own. I gotta say, this is one high quality k-drama. I could even judge it from its lovely opening video. Every episode always has meaningful messages behind it. The storylines are rich and presented in such a way that makes viewers immersed in the stories and emphatize with the characters. First, they make us understand Dongbaek’s dark past and her struggle as a single parent, then they make us emphatize with Dongbaek’s son who grow up without a dad figure. We also get to see the perspectives of her mom & Yong Sik (the lead guy)’s mom as mothers, the issues faced by side characters, and conflicts that arise from triangle love story. In addition, they also involved mistery of murderer in the stories! Can you believe how many of these can we swallow in one drama? One time this drama is heartbreaking, then it’s heartwarming, another time it gets super dark.

Also, what I find many viewers love from this drama is how Yong Sik cherishes Dongbaek and love her for what she is, which is why I concluded this drama is perfect for woman who feels insecure. Why? Because with the way Yong Sik endlessly convinces Dongbaek, he reminds us that every woman is good enough, deserves to feel loved and receive happiness. And I love him for that.

3. Her Private Life

There is a reason why people said this is the perfect kdrama for fangirl, since the story is told from the perspective of a die hard fan (Sung Deok Mi). Those who have experienced being fangirls know how well this drama represent fangirls’ life: what fangirls do, and how fangirling affects our lives. It’s all displayed in such fun atmosphere that it’d give you good feelings while watching it. Personally, I am attracted to its opening video. It’s really catchy and reflect the fun vibes of Her Private Life. I really recommend this drama if you want to lift your mood.

But on top of that, Sung Deok Mi’s relationship with Ryan Gold is the major part of why I highly appreciate this drama!! Their relationship is unlike any relationship I’ve ever seen before. They’re very mature, respect each others’ dreams and what each other loves, always resolve conflicts through discussion. They portray the definition of a healthy relationship and I really admire that.

4. Extraordinary You

The word extraordinary isn’t used in the title for no reasons. The storylines are, indeed, extraordinary. It is a mix of comedy, high school romance, star crossed soulmates, fantasy, mistery, comedy and a glimpse of stories in historical settings at the same time. Thus, it’s not exaggerating when fans said “you don’t have to look for specific dramas, you can get it all here”.

The actors & actresses’ acting skills are superb and we can find so many funny & relatable lines here. But one of the best things about Extraordinary You is they place the second leads in the center of spotlight! Finally nice second leads get the justice they deserve. They portrayed how lead guy who’s rude and feels entitled to have his crush doesn’t have the slightest chance of capturing the woman’s heart. Instead, the nice second leads who show respects and always put the woman’s desire before his own are what woman find attractive. I highly praise this drama for that.

5. Crash Landing on You

In 2019, we encounter many dramas with unique synopsis, including this one: a relationship between a North guy and a South woman. I have no doubt in Son Ye Jin and Hyun Bin’s chemistry since the beginning. Their incredible chemisty makes every romance scenes look even more sweet and pure and sometimes cute. Although I wasn’t really engaged with the first two episodes, the next episodes gets more appealing and satisfying. It’s nice to see the progress of both lead characters’ development and how they help each other overcome their issues. Aside from Se Ri (Son Ye Jin)’s relationship with Jeong Hyeok (Hyun Bin), her relationship with the North soldiers and neighboors at millitary village are pretty adorable. Their interaction always give me warm fuzzy feelings and they’re what I miss the most from this drama honestly.

6. One Spring Night

If you love Something in the Rain, I’m sure you’ll love this one too since both are the works from the same director. It has similiar atmospheres and similiar soundtracks vibes (both have really beautiful soundtracks by the way). Like Dongbaek from When the Camellia Blooms, the lead guy in this drama (Yoo Ji Ho) is also a single parent. I agree with fans saying this isn’t the kind of drama for everyone. This is more like slice of life and they aren’t in a rush to throw in conflicts as well as its resolution and I love it that way. Through this, they made it possible for us to process our emotions while the conflicts are presented.

The stories are also realistic: the issue experienced by the lead guy as a single parent, issue that’s arised from triangle love story, how pride and status mean for men, also a glimpse of abusive relationship, and the heartwarming sisterhood. And if we look closely, we could see how they tried to portray the influence of culture in the family and in the way they resolve a conflict.

7. Catch the Ghost

I thought the ghost from the title refers to an actual ghost but thank god it’s not. Here, ghost is a nickname for a criminal–the villain of the drama. Even when the story centered around the same villain from the firat until the last eps, but I wasn’t bored at all watching this. In fact, it is what made me engage with the stories and made me continue watching the next eps although I had assignments to do 😅. It’s just so, so exciting to watch. The stories are dark, sad, but funny at times. However, some viewers (including me) found the lead woman (Yoo Reung) annoying at first because of her selfishness. But I promise it’s still worth to watch because in the later eps, you’ll understand why she is the way she is which makes it easier to tolerate and even emphatize with her. She’s actually lovable, and her relationship with the lead guy (Ko Ji Seok) is really cute! In fact, Ko Ji Seok is one of my fav characters in kdrama land!

8. Class of Lies

You know, I always love kdramas with unpredictable storylines. Just like what this drama has. I know the settings are set in high school but it is waaay too dark for a high school story. You can even see it from the picture that it has gloomy vibes. I thought it’s the typical high school kdrama about bullies or corruption but it’s truly exceeds my expectation. From the first episode, I already saw the potential of this drama and already hooked with the misteries. I felt so tense throughout watching the entire drama. I kept clicking the next eps to find out if things are getting better and if there is any clue to the misteries here. But I swear everytime I thought I figure something out, this drama always has surprises to give. So brilliant. I stan.

9. At Eighteen

We could tell from the title that this drama must be related to the dynamic life of 18 years old teenagers. Considering this is the age where we explore ourselves, this drama portrayed how different teens could have different issues to face: trying to fit in at school, stand up against bullies, trying to be in top tier at school, trying to get good grades whether it’s to get into reputable colleges or to meet parents’ high expectation, trying to experience romance, AND exploring sexual orientation (actually this is the first kdrama i’ve watched that portrayed gay issues so I was like wow??). So, the stories aren’t only focused on the main characters, but the side characters too. Though I really adore the main guy in this drama: Choi Jun Woo. I even made an essay about why I think he’s an ideal guy lol. If you’re interested, here you go

Not only does this drama describe the issues faced by 18 yo students, but also the struggles faced by the teacher. It shows us how teachers can feel nervous too whenever he’s about to teach or deal with the students, how certain teachers care about the wellbeings of their students, not just care about their grades. I appreciate that from the drama, really, I do. This drama is calm, heartwarming, and meaningful.

10. Love Alarm

Tried to watch it because of Kim So Hyun, and I quickly got invested in the stories. I like the futuristic theme in this drama. The idea of a Love Alarm app itself is already interesting. Moreover, So Hyun has good chemistry with both guys. Though I don’t find both lead and second lead guys as my best type of guys, but I couldn’t stop watching it and I don’t regret watching it. Their lovestories are bittersweet which kept me looking forward for more. The last episode ended in cliffhanger though, typical Netflix series. If you don’t like uncertainty and want to watch this drama, I suggest you to wait until season 2 is released (yes, they announced there will be a season 2).

k-drama recommendation: 2/?

#fav kdramas #fav 2019 kdramas #kdrama recommendations #vagabond #when the camellia blooms #her private life #extraordinary you #july found by chance #crash landing on you #catch the ghost #at eighteen #moments at eighteen #class of lies #love alarm #kdramas #korean drama #k-drama #touch your heart #one spring night

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midz13 · 4 years ago

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Sorry for being abscent tumblr, I’ve been super busy with the work! I’ll make a mega update here to get us caught up, and ill upload more photos after.

Since unwrapping the environment I have taken it to substance, got all the maps generated, made some optimisations on render time (Still some noise but render time is at 18minutes at some points so wont push it any more - waiting to hear back from Sang on how good the render time is/optimised the scene is before i send render farm requests) and done my animating!! Phew!

The substance painter stuff was good fun - I learend some lessons with the character, and knew the best way to approach this was to put everything under one material that I wanted on one map. To that end I put the entire room (walls floor etc) as one material (due to its physical size and wanting to put text on the floor) and the objects within the room - computers, piping, platform etc - on another atlas. Both atlas’ were 4k, and the only exceptions to that was a few individual maps - one for the robotic arms holding her, as I made them seperate and couldnt/dont know how to combine maps, and one for the pistol (ill show in next post) as I did that after (I decided a couple days before starting animation to test myself to model, wrap and texture a pistol in one day - I did it!! :D

I messed around with colour palette a bit with the room. I wanted a dark ominous room, but felt that showing the room with grey or dark surfaces lost the clean room/labratory feel. I think its vitally important in a sci-fi environment to try to keep real world links as close as possibly as they act like markers for the viewer to follow. I.e. by maintaing an aesthetic in this room or a labratory or hospital with the clean shiney surfaces, and the screen terminals using words like testing etc, the viewer will hopefully understand that its a lab/test facility of some description for the robot - That’s the plan anyway. By making the room darker, it might all into question the use or purpose of building. For example. is she there to be interogated? Has she been captured? As opposed to thinking oh this is a new technology...

I’ve not done any animation before, so was both excited and concerned to start, although it was a nice change of pace and helped keep me interested with a change of the usual workflow.

Luckily, as my story focuses on her being restrained for a large majority of the film, I didn’t have any massively challenging animation to do. However this didn’t mean I would coast the work and get it done as soon as possible. I wanted to make sure her acting and performance read as clearly as possible, as I need her movements to be one of the key indicators of her “state” i.e. human, or robot. I also quickly created blendshapes for her - I planned on her being unable to emote, but I felt this was a bit of a cop out. I didn’t want her to open her mouth, sure, as I felt that was a one way trip to uncanny that I coulnd’t use within the story, and would make her impossible to empathise with (if I had time, sure it would be a fun experiment to see what worked better, but time isnt on my side). This did mean that her emotions were slightly limited , BUT, because i wanted her to see trapped in her own body, and like her faculties were limited (due to the fact her head has been removed and put on a robot!!) I think it worked well. I created blendshapes for fear, sadness, anger, a blink, and a frown (to augment the other emotions). I’m so glad I did these, as the became key in a few of the shots, and really make them pop, and make her “come to life”, so I’m pleased I took the time to do them.

The animation was fun, a few issues came up however, but for the most part it was pretty straight forward. I took some videos of myself doing some of the movements as reference for the animations. I tried to do it in a week or less, which I managed, to make sure that I stay on target time wise, and as I opted to use After Effects to show the screens, I wanted extra time to learn - I want the screens to flash and change, and thought it would also be a good oppotunity to learn how to use After Effects as I’ve not used it at all.

I’ve spent a bit of time too working on camera movement and set up. I’ve weant for a 25mm focal length for most shots to show as much of the set as possible, situating the camera more. I try to frame each shot as well as possible to make it look good, draw the viewers eye to key information, and on a few shots, frame screens so that they can get plot information as to what is going on. It’s been difficult to make sure the camera looks as natural as possible, and not like a maya camera, which is tough. Camera work itself is an entire artform in itself...

So, I want to discuss a few of the issues I’ve had and how I got around them or solved them.

So, as I mentioned I had some issues with the animatiom. These came from the rig, and the blendshape.

First of all the blendshapes for her face - as I think I mentioned before, I did blenshapes for her bicepts so that when she moves her arm, her biceps will tense and relax to show that movement. It’s very subtle and probably never be noticed, but it looks cool when you look for it, and it was a great learning experience. I had to move its order in the channel editor to make sure it moved at the right time within the rig, and it worked totally fine, and easier than I thought! I did the same with the shoulder muscles, but more as corrective blendshapes as the rig/deformations isnt perfect. However, the face blendshapes wouldn’t play ball... I tried adjusting their order, I tried every combination, I tried deleting their history and their transforms, nothing worked - everytime I applied them, her head would shoot off into the distance. I spoke with both Sang and Michael and Patrick Sloan, eventually the 2 Sloans worked out that by deleting the meshes post, and applying them all as one blendshape (originally I did them one by one) it worked. I tried doing them as one BS without deleting them and for some reason it didnt work. I took it as it was and even asked Sang if he knew why (he didnt). As long as it worked though, I didnt care...

The next issue with the rig was something that totally slipped by somehow; When I rotate her global control her chest and abdomen wouldnt deform right AT ALL. I had no idea how it happened and started freaking out. The 2 Sloans couldn’t work it out either. If I grabbed her chest and her global, she would rotate better, but her stomach would twist up strangely. Eventualy Sang diagnosed that the issue was the IK Spine not twisting right, and that I must have done something wrong during the rigging stage. This was super frustrating as I took my time with the rig and followed Sang’s video perfectly. It must have been one little step, a constrain or a parent, that i missed, omited, or applied incorrectly, and more than a month later, it came to the surface. I was especially confused/frustrated as I tested the rig post completion and binding to check, but obviously hadnt used the global control to twist her. Sang found a work around, but it did mean that one of her spine controls was lost. I then realised towards the end of the animating that a few of her poses caused strange deformations, like verts jutting our, or generally not following the rest of her body too well. I would go into weight paints and smooth out the issue as best I could even though I couldnt see anything glaringly obvious, like an arm joint effecting her lower stomach, but now that I’m processing this, I wonder if perhaps losing a handle reassigne weights and didnt do it right??

Another issue I had was her armor and torso/muscles being SUPER Shiny. I couldn’t work this out especially as she looked totally fine within substance. Initially I assumed it was an arnold render setting and that I hadn’t turned samples high enough, but after optimising the samples using Sang’s tutorla (which made the render time too high unfortunately) I realised the issue remained. One day I eventually decided it wasn’t right and that it wasn’t just me - it was too much. I worked my way through Arnold’s material settings, turning this up, down, off, every which way, to see if it effected the shine. I eventually found the culprit was Diffuse Roughness and nothing more, and that by simple adjusting the exposure/alpha in the settings, it reduced this shine completely. The way I set up my materials meant that it effected her whole texture (even though muscle/skin and armor are in different graphs) so I lost a tiny bit of shine to her skin, but I think it still looks fine - if anything before hand her lips looked too shiney, as if she had on lip gloss.

I also had some issues creating the cabling for her helmet. I needed the cabes to flex and bend with her as they moved. In my head the best way would be and IK set up. Initially I tried this, and I use a cube to measure the start and end points, and used an arc to create a perfect bend over the 90 degrees. This was a good idea, and the cable could go from a 90 degree bend to perfectly straight, but any additional bend didnt work and just turned the cable. I then started thinking about IK Splines, and watched a few tutorials online but couldnt get it to work. It made sense though, a spline would allow the perfect movement! Evnetually me and Sang spoke a few times and he was able to find a solution. An spline set up that didnt work like an IK and meant I had to do lots of manual adjustments, but for the most part it looks great. So for the small cables on the sides of her helmet, i kept the simple but effective “fire and forget” IK cables, and for the rear of her head I used the spline, as this area would move and twist much more. It took a while to create and solve, but meant that it looked good and only took a small amount of additional work to animate.

I will upload some more images, such as test shots, the pistol (which barely gets any screen time, but only took a day to work on so not a massive loss.

Only a few weeks to go! Waiting for Sang to get back to me on scene set up and optimisation, once that gets the green light I’ll start sending render farm requests!

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sambart93 · 8 years ago

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2017.02.14 Messiah: Akatsuki [Review]

Yesterday I spent valentine’s day watching a stage series that I completely fell into last summer! While I was super pissed and skeptical of this installment of the stage - due to favourite characters (Amane, Misu, Shuuto’s) and actors NOT coming back (Takaki, Nakamura, Shuuto, Hirose Daisuke, Naoya) this installment, and also some announcing that the next installment after this one would be their last (Amane/Takaki, Misu/Nakamura) - I went in with an open mind and was ready to accept whatever they were gunna send at me. And I did. Lets see how that went shall we?

Official Site Here Official Twitter Here Dress Rehearsal Video Here Press Coverage 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

CAST/CHARACTERS

Akazawa Tomoru as Shirasaki Mamoru Izawa Yuki as Ariga Ryou Sugie Taishi as Kagami Itsuki Nagae Ryouki as Miike Mayo Yamaoki Yuki as Yugi Kotarou Hashimoto Shinichi as Kugure Jun Asato Yuya as Doctor Ten Otsuka Kosuke as Doctor Three Ito Kotaro as Amane Gwen Shougo Yamada James Takeshi as Salut Araki Kentaro as Kumoi Ren / Cheka Kotani Yoshikazu kuroko / Momose Tatara Nakahara Yuya as Ichijima Harumi Osumi Kenya as Shikura Kazuhito

Ensemble: Hosokawa Akihiro, Kitamura Kai, Uraie Kenji, Hisada Yuki, Sugiura Yuichi, Ishigami Ryuya, Sakamoto Kazuki

STORY

Kaito Yuri has gone missing and it seems like he might have not only betrayed Sakura but also Mamoru. But Mamoru stays strong that Kaito isn't a bretrayer and that he's still alive, though many believe he's dead after 6 months with no contact from him have passed. Mamoru is sent on a solo Gradutaion (Sotsugyou) Mission to stop the AI hacker known as 'Necromancer' who had broken into Sakura's security system and caused havock. With the occassional help from Doctor Ten, Doctor Three, and the three new Sakura recruits, Mamoru embarks on his mission, alone.

NON-SPOILER:

Maybe it's because this was my first time seeing Messiah live the flesh but I felt there was a massive step up in production and everything in this stage! The most impressive thing was the choreography for the action. Holy moly, the stunts and the timing was amazing! Also I really enjoyed the projection mapping this time around and how they used it. As usual the music was amazing and also super nostalgic and hearing the bell when the stage began! I cried at the ending to this but for a different meaning than everyone else. I really, really enjoyed this which I didn't expect to and I am definitely looking forward to the next installment. The negatives I have is this story has two plots and one of the plots I absolutely loved and the other plot I absolutely hated and don't want to remember. The second negative is; I really don't like the three new recruits. They're like carbon copies of Messiah character's we've already met and they're boring and I don't really want to get to know them, which is unfortunate because the actors themselves are adorable!

Rating: I don't think I've rated the Messiah series at all up to now... but I'll put it at a safe 8/10 for now.

SPOILERS!

You’ve been warned; all the spoilers ahead!

Strangely enough the spoilers are going to start with my giving a more detailed story plot, which will be ‘colour coded’ due to sections of the story that I personally want to remove from my memory in italics because I hated those parts of the plot. Sound good? Okay!

Kaito Yuri has gone missing and after 6 months have passed everyone believes he's dead while Mamoru stays strong and believes he's alive and that he didn't betray Sakura. Mamoru is sent on a solo Gradutaion (Sotsugyou) Mission to stop the AI hacker known as 'Necromancer' who had broken into Sakura's security system and caused havock such as making satelites fall from the space and hijacking a plane and almost crashing it and in the end it locks onto the nuclear bombs across the world and threatens to set them all off. The rest of the Sakura crew (along with two sciencetists; Doctor Three and Docter Ten, and three new Sakura recruits; Yuge, Kugure and Miike, help Mamoru break into where Necromancer's main source is, but it turns out many people have been implanted with a chip meaning Necromancer can control and use their bodies, even after the person has been killed, which the AI does on several occassions and literally has an army of the undead under it's control. Not only that but turns out the creator of Necromancer is Kumoi Ren; Kagami's supposed-to-be-dead uncle, who long ago had implanted a chip even into Kagami's brain, and Kagami ends up being the HOST and being controlled by Necromancer, thus follows his uncle and leaves Ariga. So now Ariga is desperately trying to save Kagami and trying to find a way to bring him back in control of his body and brain without having to kill him (because we all know he has a streak of killing his Messiahs -__-). SO it turns out Kaito was working with them to help create the AI 'Necromancer' and it ended in them killing him because he protested to officially joining them, and they took and used his brain to fuse with the Necromancer AI software to create the ultimate AI. Meaning Kaito is well and truly dead much to Mamoru's ruined heart and feelings. However, Mamoru learns that because the AI is meshed with Kaito's brain, the AI actually understands emotions, and purposely chose Sakura as the security system to hack, and has a weak spot which is wanting to still protect Mamoru. Mamoru manages to gain control of the Kaito part of Necromancer and it decides to leave Kagami's body and the mission is completed without any nuclear bombs or anything going off. The final scene (as with all Messiah Graduations) is of Mamoru on his solo mission out of Sakura and in his spy uniform when he's surrounded by Necromancer controlled enemies but when one has his gun pointed squarely at Mamoru (who happens to have Kaito’s hairstyle and similar face structure to Hirose), Mamoru says 'let's go Kaito' and again the Kaito part of Necromance takes over that guys body and joins Mamoru's side to fight the rest of the gang. End.

Yeah I ain't even spoiled 80% of the whole story yet! Course I left some things out or else you wouldn't be surprised when you see the stage for yourself.

As you can see, I'm super not happy about the Kaito plot line and I'd like to erase that whole part from the plot. This story work perfectly swell with it just being about a super AI that has taken over Kagami’s body. << also this boy needs more character development so why not let him be the main story?! It really pissed me off how they've dealt Hirose Daisuke's exit from the series. Even just making a silly fucking short VTR of showing him dying would’ve been more satisfactory than a random line he speaks over a computer and better than just a projection mapping of his Sakura profile and at the bottom saying: Dead. and I’m also pissed at Hirose about going to the keikos and seeing the performance AND there’s clearly newly recorded recorded Yuri voice soundbytes for this stage too(!); so he obviously HAD THE TIME to do the fucking stage. Ugh, especially right at the end with the pretty much Hirose student double who LIP SYNCS Kaito’s lines at the end, oh my god I am so pissed about that! lets move on.

---

Now let's get to some specifics in the play that I enjoyed!

I freaking cried! As soon as that bell rang to signal the start of the play an we get Mamoru kicking ass and almost being kicked and it being action packed right from the start? I was like "YES!! THIS IS MESSIAH!!!"

I have such respect in this stage for Tomorun in this. His applause compared to everyone else was so much louder. While the applause at the end was solid anyway (it's the first time I've experienced applause not quieten a little between the bows and the actors getting in position) the sound got like 1000 times louder when Tomorun was stood on his own to bow, and he damn well deserves it! He had a LOT of weight to carry and he had a lot to hold up to in this stage and it really shows through and he was flawless and amazing in his role. He spends 70% of this stage crying his eyes out and/or being beaten to shit. I actually feel sorry for Tomorun for how much pressure he had this time around. We all know who to blame... anyway... One part I really love of Tomorun’s performance is (it’s really small but) when he gets captured and one of the bad guys kicks his leg and Shirasaki falls down on one knee and just the timing and the way he does it is SO good! And I was SUPER lucky the second show! I had a seat for row 13 which is THE row between the two sections which means there's a big enough gap for the actor to go running right past you and even fight in front of you, WHICH Tomorun did at least twice! Each time he stopped EXACTLY in front of me or what fighting RIGHT in front of me and so the wind caused by his punched were right in my face and his coat hits my legs a few times and I was just like 'oooooommmmmmmgggggggggoooooooddd' internally and everytime he exited away it always went quiet but I'm pretty sure people near me always heard me to exhale very deeply as I tried to calm down from the heart racing closeness I was to the action and Tomorun.... holy moly...

Ariga this time... I have a hate relationship with this guy because of what happened with Mamiya but (un)fortunately Izawa Yuki is such a freaking saint. He's so adorable and so nice and he's such an interesting person and this time around Ariga's character was given more room to group and kind of move away slightly from the Mamiya stigma, especially now that Kagami has fully accepted him as his Messiah. And also thanks to Izawa the higawari and improve scenes and lines are gold. He's so funny! So my opinion of Ariga has changed this stage but lets say that's more from Izawa and Kagami's influence rather than Ariga himself. But there's SUCH a good moment at the end when Ariga puts his gun against Shirasaki's chest and says 'See you again' and (I didn't notice the first time so I FREAKED the fuck out and cried hard the second time!) Shirasaki removes his gun and puts it against Ariga's and says 'definitely' SO THEY CHANGED GUNS!! THEY PROMISED TO MEET AGAIN!!! OMG I'M DEAD!! *dead*

Anyway, I'm glad Ariga's still, in this stage, talking about and facing up and admitting what he did to Mamiya and he still mentions how he regrets it and everything and there's a scene towards the end where I was convinced 'Oh fuck it's Mamiya all over again!' --okay I seriously have to talk about this scene but can we go back a few more steps?

I need to talk about the Ariga x Kagami relationship before I can talk about that scene.

I am so fucking onboard with this ship now! Holy shit this stage gave me ALL the (what're we calling them?) Karimi? Arimi? KaGa? Basically I am so in love with them as a pair! Holy moly! There's so many juicy scenes with them! Literally after the first mission for Necromancer fails they go on, Ariga and Kagami are talking and Kagami is like 'I'm really glad you accepted me as your Messiah... Mamoru still believes Kaito is alive... and you? ... Do you think Mamiya is alive?' *me with ALL the feels* 'omowanai....kono te de Mamiya wo koroshita. Soshite... ore no Messiah ha Kagami da. // no... I killed him with my own hands. Besides that... you're my Messiah. (I have to put this in the Japanese cos I loved his reply!)' and then the scene Kagami is like 'can you stop that? ... I'm your Messiah... stop calling me Kagami....' 'Then what should I call you?' 'Itsuki'

And we enter the two higawaris from the day where Ariga attempts to call Kagami by his first name:

14:00 Performance

Ariga: 'I....i....iiiii' Sugie: 'Ariga are you okay?' 'I.....iiiiiiiii......iiiii' 'You don't have to force yourself!' 'Iiiiiiiiii!!!!! Renshuu shimasu! / I'll go and practise!' *storms off*

19:00 Performance *Prior to this higawari Sugie actually fucked up his 'I'm your Messiah...' line

Ariga: 'Nnnnnntsuki' Sugie: 'What?' 'Nnnnn...nnnntsuki!' 'Don't push yourself. Lets go slow okay?' 'Okay' 'I' 'I' 'Tsu' 'Tsu' 'Ki' 'Ki' 'Okay! All together' 'NNNNNTSUKI! Renshuu shimasu! / I'll go and practise!' 'Yeah you should,' 'also...don't mess up' / kamu na As Izawa walks off , Sugie yells 'Sumimasen! / I'm sorry' and the whole audience were laughing.

Okay lets get to MORE Ariga x Kagami moments. During their first mission to infiltrate Necromancer they obviously get surrounded and beaten to shit by the bad guys and the choreography is so GOOD. Ariga gets attacked and one of the kicks sends him flying into Mamoru who catchs him in his arms! And THEN Kagami get's attacked and flies into Ariga who catches him and then the guy goes to attack Kagami again and cos Ariga is holding him he turn him around so HE takes the blow instead of Kagami and Kagami is like 'Ariga!!' trying to keep and hold him up!!! Oh my the feels!!!!

Now lets get to the horrible moment... so Ariga finally finds Necromancer infested Kagami and Necromancer is like 'if you shot me hear *points to his head* you'll kill me. But you'll also kill Kagami,' and so the scene unfolds and I ALREADY was convinced someone was going to die this stage(!) before I even knew what the plot was to this stage so I'm watching scene unfold and everyone in the room was already crying and sniffling cos of Mamoru and Kaito's scene just before this one but THIS is where I grab my mouth in shock and I'm like 'oh shit... oh shit it's Mamiya all over again. Oh my god please don't kill Kagami' and I'm sat there and the tears start POURING out and I'm starting to make the most noise cos people haven't already gotten most of their crying out with Mamoru! and then wait for it.... Ariga SHOOTS his gun! BUT it goes PAST Kagami and so Necromancer turns and faces Ariga properly and he's like 'you missed! Right here *points to the center of his forehead' and Ariga SHOOTS again but hits Kagami's shoulder and then shoots another 4 times, three go flying past Kagami as he slowly moves forward towards Ariga and the other hits Kagami's leg, but because he's being controlled by Necromancer, he still keeps moving and ignores the pain and such. And then he TAKES Ariga's gun and SHOOTS him in the stomach and Ariga collaspes and I was FREAKING the fuck out. And of course (because it was so. obviously. set-up.) Ariga yells at him to try and bring Kagami's concious back, 'Kagami.... Kagami! ... KAGAMI!..... ITSUKI!!!!!!' and (I start crying even harder because he's finally called him Itsuki and) for a second Kagami comes back and stops the gun from shooting and killing Ariga. Oh my, I'm dead writing it now!!

The finally amazing shipping moment between these two is after Necromance leaves Kagami's body, Kagami falls unconcious to the floor and Ariga drags himself over to Kagami's side of the stage and sits with one leg under his butt and his other leg is kneeling and he rests Kagami's head on his thigh (almost at his crotch) of his kneed up leg (I hope this names sense) and has his hand on Kagami's shoulder. During this Mamoru is center stage doing the climax of the plot and everything and -- EVERYONE in the room is crying their eyes out at Mamoru and in the first performance I was crying from relief that Kagami didn't die and in second performance I was crying by how beautiful this scene unfolds -- eventually towards the end we see Kagami wake up from conciousness; he stays where he is but he opens his eyes half way and sees Ariga above him and slowly takes his right hand to grab Ariga's shoulder and Ariga sees him and SO STRONGELY grabbed onto Kagami's hand and holds it SO tightly and Kagami smiles and falls back into conciousness as Ariga smiles at him and -- oh my god I'm crying as I freaking right this!! I am so on board with this effing ship now! Oh my god...

Okay I need to go and calm down...

Now to solely talk about Kagami: I freaking LOVE that half of this plot ws HIS story line! I've been dying for MORE Kagaminess because I still think he's very new and underdeveloped, also he's currently my favourite Messiah in the series since Mamiya. BUT to say he was a MAJOR plot in this Sugie defo had LESS stage time than he should've been given. I feel he and James got about the same amount. Just after the higawari with Ariga, Sugie is missing from the stage (but constantly spoken about) for a good 30/40minutes which I think is super weird (and lets blame the writers forcing Kaito into the story again shall we?) so I'm annoyed because Sugie/Kagami really does deserve MORE time on stage. Now that Mamoru has graduated it means Izawa and Sugie's last stage should be next which I fucking hope it isn't because of how UNDER developed both of them I feel still are. They've just got another 2 or 3 installments of development left and needed in my opinion. Especially when Matsuda/Ono did EIGHT stages and movies in Messiah before they graduated, and Kagami's only done 3 installments so far and in such small roles(!). So yeah, Sugie deserved more time on stage as Kagami, especially because he does become a major story plot. Also I freaking LOVE how we got his uncle as the bad guy this time! And seeing the HATE Kagami has for his uncle is wonderful! AND Sugie did these two super cool stunts! One is when two of the guys hold his arms and he does this backwards spin thanks to the momentum and then kicks the crap out of them! Another is the ending credits where a bad guy flips him over before he shoots him and it looked SO freaking cool (and a little dangerous) in the first show but unfortunately they messed up in the second performance but during the curtain call Sugie explained how they have a safe execution if he can't land it properly even though it'll look weird, which it did but good to know they have a back up plan and a safe way to finish it if it doesn't go perfectly ^_^ ALSO a main reason why Kagami is a favourite character of mine (besides his bratty attitude and lollypop eating) is his fighting style. It MUST be something back Sugie because I am in love with both his Kagami and Namazuou (from Touken Ranbu Stage) fighting choreography. He fights so cockily in both roles if I really think about it xD OHHH! Another scene which was SO gun is when he first finds Kumoi and he eventually beats him down and ends up straddling above Kumoi and has a gun to Kumoi's face and Araki's hands (both times) were pretty much AGAINST Sugie's crotch because Sugie sat that far up him! I enjoyed it (a bit too much) even if they're supposed to be uncle and nephew xD

Now lets get to the problem children; the three new Messiah recruits.

I don't like them... I don't like them IF they're going to be the new MAIN Messiahs. If they stay as SIDE characters then I'm happy with them. They aren't bad characters but they're no where near MAIN character material. When the 2nd gen Messiahs came in, they were instantly developed and very well introduced, unlike these three; they're bland and too boring to become mains. I will give them a little room to grow but just... ugh. No I don't want these three to be 3rd Messiah Mains!

Nagae.... Nagae... I don't like you. I liked you for about 5 seconds in HetaMyu but like... your attitude in both roles is just so bad! Also I really don't like your chin! He was alright during the aftertalk but just... I don't like you and your character, Miike, in Messiah is an insensitive cunt << I've been dying to call him this outloud for a good 24 hours. They have a meeting at Sakura and he's just like 'wonder if you'll just kill your Messiah again. It's easy for you to do right' to Ariga! And I (did?) HATE Ariga but that's going fucking too far. Insensitive, inconsiderate little shit. Kagami is a little shit but at least he's a playful one who actually has a freaking heart and cares about those that matter. Miike on the other hand can seriously go jump off a fucking cliff. And you can TELL they've started setting things up for the three new characters because there's a point after he's killed the bad guys and only he is left on stage with a dead body and he's like 'your face looks relax... was living that hard? ... same as me then' and it's like 'oh bitch please! You're a fucking child, fuck off' I really didn't appreciate this sob story for someone who's as motherfucking rude as him. And breathe...

Next is Yugi... he's... alright. He's sweet and wants to help Sakura and he's strong and he's sensitive and he super nice to everyone but his personality is very weak and very... normal? and .... he's just not got the face to be a MAIN cast. Sorry guy!! But your face is very 'side character' looking. I hate myself for being so judgey about his looks but, overall I don't think he (meaning the character) is main Messiah character material at all. And again they obviously set it up at the end where he yells at Miike 'I'll take anyone as my messiah, so long as it isn't you' ugh...

And the last problem child is Kugure who is a carbon copy of Hamao's character. He's got the glasses, he acts all stoic, he plays by the book and does his job as a Messiah. He only has two tiny parts that make him a little bit different to Hamao's character. The first is a higawari with Izawa so technically it's not even his character!

14:00 Performance:

Kugure: 'I read your file' Ariga: 'What did you see?' 'Ariga Ryou's favourite food is... purin' 'Yes I love it... and?' 'The thing your particuar about... is how you eat it' 'Well... how do you eat it?' 'I just put it in my mouth' '...lets go....'

19:00 Performance:

Kugure: 'I read your file' Ariga: 'What did you see?' 'Ariga Ryou's favourite food is... purin' 'Yes I love it... and?' 'The thing your particuar about... is how you eat it. 'Of course I am! Kugure, do you know the Purin dance?' *audience cracks up, Shinchan was clearly not expecting this answer and just doesn't reply* '.........what?' 'Try and do it' '.....okay' *Shinchan slowly moves into position to dance* 'lets go!' and Izawa walks off as Shinchan is still half amused and half embarrassed.

In the aftertalk Shinchan talks about how usually he and Izawa have set higawaris that they'll do but tonight Izawa just made one up on the spot and it really shocked him, and Sugie was like 'yep that's Izawa. He's very unpredictable' xD And at the end of this stage, Kugure goes to Ichijima's office and says 'I have something I want to talk to you about' and Ichijima removes his glasses and says 'follow me' to which Kugure slightly touches his glasses before following him and thinking about it now, Ichijima and Kugure's actors DO look very similar AND they both have glasses. Are they setting them up to be father and son?! That's the feeling I got! ALSO I didn't realise until the end of the second performance who Shinchan was!! Towards the end, I suddenly shot up in my seat and was like 'SHIT that's the guy I like from Owari no Seraph!!! ... Why did I think it was Hashimoto Shohei who did Owari.... OMG IT'S HIM!!!!! Oh he can sing nice....' so yeah I'm a slow dumbass xD

So you can see how they've started to set them up being the next gen and I'm not happy. The actors themselves are sweet and really nice (more in the aftertalk) but... no thank you!

Is it just me or does Asato have a lisp?! It definitely sounded like he had/has one and I found it so cute!!! I expected his role as Doctor Ten to be pretty small in this but as he ends up betraying Sakura and works with Hopporengo, I'm sure he'll be a bigger role in the future. Because I didn't know the first performance he was an undercover spy for the terrorists, I didn't notice the subtle hints BUT the second time around you can SEE what he gets up. You see he purposely gave Mamoru certain information and we see him mess with the computer system JUST before it gets seriously hacked and we see him whispering stuff to Kumoi when Sakura have him captured and stuff. So kudos to the writers and director for the subtleness of showing the audience through multiple viewings what his true nature is.

Doctor Three had a much smaller role than I thought he would especially when Asato is partnered with him but Asato naturally got more stage time. I’m still not really sure about his character but I did enjoy his personality and I really liked his performance during the hacking scene.

Now we get to a character I have an issue with, only because of his name. His name is Amane... AMANE! I’m sorry but we already HAVE an Amane in Messiah so unless it turns out they’re related then why the hell do we have ANOTHER Amane! It’s just rubbing salt into the wounds because Amane is not in this installment and will be leaving the series! Okay, now for the character and actor himself, Amane was a very, very small role so he didn’t really leave an impression, but his uniform is nice and I assume he’s connected to the group of officers Shuuto’s character was apart of but without rewatching it or reading his bio, I can’t be sure if they’re the same unit (because the uniforms are different yet have the same boss). As for Ito himself, he’s so sweet and funny! During the Evening Performance’s curtain call, Nagae was like ‘please look forward to the AfterTalk because this guy at the back (of the stage) is very interesting’ and Nagae did not lie! More on that later. Main point is though: he acts SO cute and I was shocked to learn (after when I looked at the pamphlet) how old he is and everything! He’s totally adorable and needs to be protected like a son. Then I later learnt he’s gunna be the red haired character in Daiya no A stage and he looks amazing in that role! Almost tempted to go...

James... James.... James, James, James... I’ve been following you on twitter for a good year and know how great you are of a person but this day I FINALLY saw you act in the flesh for the first time and it’s the first time I’ve seen you act in something since 7 Days which I saw over a year ago!! And I was not disappointed. Firstly that hairstyle is freaking gorgeous and looks so good on you. Secondly, you fighting with a knife and in those slightly tight, white pants? Hell yes! ALSO (as I knew) you’re playing a terrorist in this? Hell yes!! I was so happy with James in this!!! I am so ready for him to be our next main Terrorist villain ones the Cats are sorted (in the movie I assume). Also I was super surprised when he first started talking because A. I didn’t realise nor remember his voice being as high as it actually is and B. he sounds SO MUCH like Fujita Rei! (<< who also has done Messiah btw ;) ) so yeah I was little surprised at first but his voice IS nice too ^_^ Also also also also!!!!! We got a James vs Izawa fight which obviously made all the fangirls happy! It was short but satisfying!! I also love how his character betrayed his ‘contractor’ at the end and also how brutal and ruthless his character is. ALSO the fact that he throws his gun away a lot in favour of the thrill and risk of fighting JUST with a knife or two is amazing too! His such a good character! OMG!!! His fight with Kuroko too was amazing!! But I’ll talk about that more with Kotani! So yes... thank you James and cannot wait to see you in the movie (even if it is a prequel to this stage like I assume).

I love Araki okay. I’ve loved him since he did TouMyu and played Yoshitsune(ko)! And his character in this is completely different. He is a cold ass, mean uncle in this! But I was so hyped when we learn he’s Kagami’s uncle and how manipulative he’s been and how much he did nothing but train and manipulate Kagami! Also the fact that he even had him getting captured by Sakurai and Kagami joining Sakurai pre-planned and everything was genius! I really enjoyed his final scene too! << mainly thanks to James’ character’s cruelty xD

And now it's time to talk about the wonderful star of the comedy relief show; Kuroko aka Kotani!!!! He was fucking hilarious! So many funny moments I want to talk about! The first is when Mamoru is trying to look at Kaito's profile so see if he could get any hints as to what his last mission was and such and Kuroko comes bouncing in and lightens the mood and then asks the computer 'When will the perfect boy walk into my life?' '...No data could be found' xD 'Oh what?! I wanted valentine chocolate....' and soon after this he gets all happy about something, pulls out a slipper from under his coat and begins to sing but Shirasaki soon stops him. Another amazing moment is when he and Salut are having a knife fight and Salut cuts Kuroko ONCE and Kuroko goes MURDEROUS and unstopable. He turns into an absolute ANIMALS when he's fighting and thus that's why he's been kept more as a housekeeper than as a spy at Sakura Church. That and also because we learn he in fact (like Ariga) killed his own Messiah. But turns out his Messiah was an undercover spy for (a similar group to) Hopporengo. During the end credit, his hits Ichijima on the bum with his brush xD he's such a cheeky but funny guy who goes batshit crazy in the battlefield! Oh my!! Another batshit crazy is when Sakura infultrate the boat that Kagami and Kumoi and Salut are on and he and Shirasaki come BUSTING in and (jesus chrsit I can't believe it happened, I pissed myself the entire time) Kuroko storms onto the boat with TWO machine guns and laughing like a crazy man and spinning around as he spot all the bad guys. It was such an epic but hilarious scene!! There's another great scene where Ichijima is talking about past graduated Messiahs and as he mentioned Haku's name, Kuroko pulls a Nanny milk carton out of his pocket and tries to give it to Ichijima xD Anytime he hit someone on the head with the slipper, it always such a good sound that you couldn't help laugh xD Kuroko EASILY shot to pretty much the top of my 'Fav Messiah Characters Ever' in this stage. He's absolutely gold; both when he's doing comedy AND being a badass!

Lastly I'm going to put Ichijima and Shikura's actors together here; these two have been actors for a long time; they're pros, they're damn good at their job, they're very well known and this wasn't they first Messiah; they were flawless and performed as they should of. The most interesting parts about the actors were how they behaved in the curtain call. Usually older Japanese actors have this scary and serious aura about them BUT in the first curtain call Nagae was trying to be all cute like 'I'm bad at curtain calls. I'm only 18 tehe' and then Osumi straight away was like 'Oooooh I can't give speech. I'm only 18 tehe' and totally ridiculed Nagae and he got so embarrassed and Osumi got a HUGE applause from the audience and then as soon as it died down we could see Nakahara on the other side of the stage acting all childish and only the audience saw and when the members turned around to him he acted normal again xD They were real sports! xD At first I was upset Ichijima was back rather than Naoya's character (and I still haven't figured out Ichijimia and Naoya's chara's relationship and status balance) but after seeing the stage, Ichijima is actually a MAJOR part of the plot so it made sense for him to be back. ALSO everytime Ichijima gets serious about fighting and clicks his leg back into place and fights is always badass and epic to watch! He did not disappoint this time either! ^_^

Curtain Calls

I've pretty much already spoke about the two major points of the two curtain calls I saw so lets just go to the aftertalk; about Nagae being teased for trying to act cute and when Ito got pointed out as a very interesting person. Oh but there was another point; because Sugie failed his stunt during the end credits, he explained about the backup safety plan he and the student guy has in case it doesn't go well, and mentioned how difficult the amount of action is for everyone, but that Tomorun never complains about it but then Izawa is like 'yeah but he complains to me when no one else is around' xD

19:00 AfterTalk: Sugie, Nagae, Ito, Shinchan (guest starring Izawa and James)

The AfterTalk was an absolutely shambles but it was a hilarious and uncontrollably laughing shambles. All four of the boys are absolutely hopeless! Basically none of them could talk properly and Ito at one point (already mentioned) was asked about what he likes about this stage and he’s stands up and goes ‘look at this uniform’ *points to his sleeves* ‘they’re reversed! I didn’t realise until I put it on for our first day! Isn’t it cool. Also look how cool this front is where it extends!’ and everyone was just like ‘....’ >.<

And there was another point where he wanted to talk about a scene or character he liked and he’s like ‘you know when that happens and you know like it goes like that and’ and everyone looked at him like ‘what the fuck are you going on about?’ ‘you get me right?’ ‘.....’ to which Nagae suddenly yelled to the audience 'you see what I mean by he’s interesting!' xD We were all dying. About 10 or 15 minutes into the non-stop random talking, Nagae looks at Sugie and goes 'don't you have a sheet of paper right there with topics for us to talk about?' and Sugie looks at him and went 'what's the point! None of this is interesting compared to the mess of a conversation we're having!' and threw the paper on the floor, killing the audience once again. Nagae went and picked it up for him, 'well if you don't wanna do those topics then why don't we get questions from the audience then?' the audience got super excited but (as predicted) they started going off on another random conversation between themselves. And then Sugie looks back and is like 'Izawa... why you taking pics of us from there?' and he replied 'you continue. I'll take pics!' and one of the guys was like 'you might as well come out here if you're gunna talk!' and he's like 'nah I'm good!' and then another of them went 'Oh look! It's Ariga and the guy that looks like him' xD to make the audience laugh EVEN more, Nagae commented: 'you know (the scene) when they're fighting? It's like a video where it's the same player (but in different clothes)' xD

The next topic was about what characters or side (Messiah / Police / Terrorist) they'd like to be on and it ended up (thanks to Ito, see above) becoming a 'what clothing do you like' topic and Sugie complained at how he's just all in black and it's boring and he'd like something like James' outfit with a little splash of white clothing. He complimented James' white pants and you just heard this 'thanks!!' from behind the curtain XD Sugie also spoke about when they all first got the script, his name just said ‘Sugie Taishi = Kagami Itsuki / N’ and then when they did the first read through THEN they realised N meant Necromancer and that at first he found it challenging to play N (because you basically how to act like a robot).

EDIT 2017.02.21: Another thing that was mentioned was suddenly Sugie started talking about ‘we didn’t know if this was going to be the last or not. And we didn’t know what was going to happen next’ which means there was a CHANCE Messiah wasn’t going to continue after THIS one or even get this one! But now that they’ve announced a new stage in Autumn and we’ve still got the movie to look forward to. Looks like they might be continuing it after all, especially when (starting with this play) it’s been labelled the New Messiah Series; so clearly they intend to continue the series under this new name.

By the way, Izawa really DID get takes from behind the curtain during the aftertalk:

You're welcome ;)

Extras

I think you're probably going to know all these already but lets have a quick run down of the non-actor things:

- The choreography is absolutely amazing! I've already said this but I really do feel like everything, including the choreography was stepped up massively this time! So many cool stunts and spins and swings and everything! - I really really really really want and need a Messiah OTS seriously. I freaking love all the music!! Even in the new stage!! Seriously, I just want a CD of all the Messiah music they use EVERY stage including the bell at the beginning of EVERY stage! <3 - Linking to the choreography; the stunt men* were phenomenal! - I really liked the staging and the stage design this time. Even with the scary SLOPE right at the front of the stage. But I loved the computer screen-like props they had at the top of the stage. - The projection mapping was used very well! It definitely didn't feel distracting (hell sometimes I hadn't even realise it'd been pulled down because of how well they co-ordinated everything) - The lighting was great too!

*I realise I've called them stunt me the entire review and that I should really call them ensemble but do you realise how long this review has taken me? I ain't going back and correcting it all. You all know who I mean anyway! xD

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Okay I'll stop here! Pretty sure I've spent like 4 hours making this review! I'm done! Hope you enjoyed it!

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invalidatxd-blog · 7 years ago

Text

21.11.17

I’m Back

I’ve been so away lately. That isn’t even the right English, not the correct way to say it at all, but definitely the best way to describe it. I’ve been checked out, so preoccupied with all the things going on in my life, leaning too heavily on my ability to numb myself up. I can just sit and let my life happen to me with a certain degree with apathy. It’s not that I’m not feeling my emotions, I definitely do, I tuck them away for a more suitable time, or whenever I can’t fit anything else into the little hidey hole. I feel so relieved to be free from my exams, but I feel so detached from that fact. I got out of dodge so immediately after I finished my exams I think means I haven’t had a chance to process it, I still feel like I will have to go back and study the second I get back to Sydney. Also, money is a forever struggle. I hate that it is such an issue for me.

I think I needed this time away from Sydney. I needed to see my family and my home. It makes me miss home, I am still here but I am already longing for all the space and openness that is just such a normal part of life here. I have hallways and different rooms and places to go. There’s no traffic or cars or even other people aside from mum and dad. I rarely human noises that aren’t me or my parents and nature definitely prevails. I think it’s something that growing up I didn’t even think about. The profound that nature, something completely out of our control, has on mood and just everything. Rain. That was always a big one, and it’s still so ingrained in to me. Rain is a good thing, and it will always be a good thing. It means that the ground is softening, the dust is settling, grass will grow, and the rivers and waterways might even flow. Of course it’s never often enough, or it comes all at once and then it’s cutting through anything man-made that’s in its path. Roads are gone, dam banks are burst and nature makes a comeback. I think that Australia is a lucky country to live in. We have clear air and lots of trees. The oceans are pretty clean and rubbish in-general, is minimal compared to other places. I think about all these things and I feel lucky, lucky, lucky.

I worry about things, not necessarily money or uni, although these things do worry me, I worry about me. Not in a weird selfish way. I just worry about the effect that the recent negativity with m is going to have on my personality, my traits and who I am. I feel more aware of the manipulation and kind of mistreatment that occurred. I’m not naïve to try and say that I have no fault in the situation, fully aware that my communication could have been improved on. But I am also so aware that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did. And I think that it’s good that I know and respect the fact that deserve a certain level of reciprocity from the people I care about. But it’s hard because it has made me jaded in a sense. I feel like I am a little less trusting of people, of their intentions. I am also less patient. I already feel it. I spent so long giving and giving and I just don’t understand why. But it was a good feeling, knowing that I was dependable and that people enjoyed my company because I was. Sometimes E refers to how ‘easy-going’ I am and I get so upset because I’m not easy-going. There’s been so many times where I’ve been with her and I’ve been on the verge of a panic attack but I can’t make her understand that because she doesn’t see outside of her world. God that sounds like such an insult. And I guess in a way it is, but I’m not saying in because I think she is a bad person, it’s just something about her. This kind of expectation that people are there for her convenience, to fit into her world the way that she wants them to. Not that she treats me badly or anything like that, and if I say no to something there is way less manipulation than with m. But it’s not even just the way she treats me (which isn’t badly) but just in general, she has no patience for human error. If it’s not done the way she expects it, if people don’t behave or react how she wants it’s such a problem. And she can react so badly. I don’t know, I guess that’s the thing I struggle with her the most. I am not used to it.

I have a lot in my mind at the moment. I am processing so much. I could talk about the same topics again and again. I could dwell on my relationship with Him. That sounds like I am talking about God or something. I am not. But what’s the point. I am just as unsure and just as hung-up as ever. Even though I know that it’s unrealistic and kinda dumb. What can you do lol??? Like I wish I could flip a switch in my brain. I remember E made a comment about how I like a lot of songs about people who are in love etc. and how it’s funny because I’ve not been in a relationship. I’ve not been in love. And I mean I think she’s right, because I don’t think I’m in love with him, but I am definitely in-‘something’ with him. I wasn’t going to write about this because it drives my head crazy and I shouldn’t allow myself to think about him like this. But fuck it. I just, everytime I think about the times that we were together I just remember being happy. I am happy when I look at him and I am happy when we talk. I can remember when he was here over 4 years ago so clearly. Not all of it, but the important bits. I remember it all so vividly, I remember when I first saw him and I remember the first time we kissed. Fuck, it felt like a dream I was so happy I couldn’t even believe it. And that’s probably more to just the timing of it, that period in my life and all the rest of it. I didn’t even know him then. But I do know him now. I know how he thinks and what makes him laugh and his personality traits. And we’ve been friends for so long and it’s been too long for me to even hope that we will ever be anything other than friends. Because I do, stupidly, hope that we will be more than friends. I think that maybe if last time I saw him he had crushed all possibility of that, not in a rude way but just, if nothing had happened, then I would be so content just being friends. But something did happen. And it wasn’t just friends. And I was so happy I thought I was in a dream. Everything about it was perfect (well like, pretty fucking close) and I was so happy. One of the happiest times that I’ve been. And it sucks because now he’s not even here, he’s in New York, with his girlfriend. And I feel guilty because what right do I have to feel anything for him. Fuck it stresses me out. And I still hope that maybe one day something will happen. And then happen again. And I shouldn’t hope that because 1) it would be too good and too unrealistic for it to ever happen, and 2) I sound like a literal crazy person and I just need to move the fuck on. But like I said, don’t know how to do that.

RIP.

I am going to read through that and be so embarrassed and hate it so much. But I don’t want to delete it. Ya know gotta be honest with myself.

Sometime I wish I could combine my home life with my Sydney life. Sydney is definitely my home now, I am so settled and happy there, but I miss so much about home. I miss my family and I miss my bed and I miss having space. But being at home I miss having independence and places to go and the convenience and my routine. Just can’t seem to win.

I am so reflective at the moment. I think because I have been in Australia for this whole year, and it’s such a mix up in my routine. I don’t know. I feel like all the things that I did and saw and all the people I met. I mean I was so lucky to have those experiences and meet those people and live that life. It feels so surreal almost. I watch videos that spark memories and I am in awe of the things that I did. It’s so hard because in the moment it just feels like such a race to the finish, to be home or to be in a different place, to the next job, to the next client. It’s taken me being in Sydney to really realise how lucky I was and how my experiences were so lucky. I was so lucky. I am so lucky, to have those memories and the ability to have lots of it captured in film and in photos, in magazines. Immortalised by social media and the internet. So lucky. And such an honor. To work with the people I worked with and to be a part of some of the things that I am a part of. Pretty cool.

I mean I should stop writing this essay and probably go to sleep. This is too many words. But what a nice feeling to vent. I don’t like how scattered this entry is and I don’t like how I’ve written today. I am sure there is an expert who could tell my why it is like this. I just hope that next time I write it will read as less erratic and more thoughtful. I worry that this will end up sounding like another petulant 20yo’s venting, thoughtless and superficial. I don’t want that, even if that’s what this is.

Ok for real for real, I have to stop writing tonight.

#trigger warning #modelling #thoughts #social media #text post #journal #travel

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