invalidatxd-blog

[invalidatxd-blog]

08.01.2018

Movement.

There is currently a movement beginning. A movement that has been building for a very long time. Change is happening everywhere and it’s productive change, it’s important change. It is scary and brutal and inspiring and awakening. Watching Oprah’s speech and watching people’s reactions. Thinking about my own reaction. This is a product of years, decades, of suppression, of inequity of silencing. There wasn’t a woman in that rooms whose face didn’t tell a story of incredible feeling, of relief, of sadness, at what was being said. It takes courage to address these issues so publicly, it takes guts and a strength that I admire. People trivialise the entertainment industry, brush these people aside when it comes to anything serious. But it is the industry that has the power to make people stop. Force people to pay attention to the reality of the world. There are so many women are standing up tonight. The very idea that people are acknowledging their platform and using it to speak for something that matters, using it to empower women. Women who have had no voice, women who don’t have the privilege to stand up. And I think that is so important to acknowledge. I can stand up for what I believe in, I can use my voice and express my discontent at the state of the world as much as I like because I have privilege. The privilege of little negative consequence from my voice. The privilege of having a voice in the first place. The privilege of distance from these issues. Not to say that I am untouched, but my suffering is limited compared to so many others. I can feel for what other people are going through but I have the privilege to never have known that level of hardship, the sense of helplessness that must be so much more pervasive for some. I am lucky because my existence, at least relatively recently, has always been validated. My dreams and hopes and feelings have been given some kind of recognition. But society isn’t so generous to other woman, other sexualities and other races. People’s existence is invalidated, their suffering is covered up, and they’re treated as second class. And what we see tonight, what we’ve been seeing increasing over the past few years, is people’s voice being used to highlight the suffering of people other than themselves. The recognition of privilege. The recognition that not everyone has a platform to use. “This isn’t a moment, it’s a movement” is so DAMn powerful and meaningful. And I think that it’s a movement that will lead the way for change. Because these people are the most watched in the world. People care about what they are doing and what they are saying. SO they’re educating and informing. Speaking up and saying that time is up. Time is up for discrimination and mistreatment. Time is up for prejudice and sexism and classism. The time is up for people to have a voice and not use it. Time is up for the silencing of woman. The fact that Oprah acknowledged that the fact that women in Hollywood have been able to speak against sexual assault and that’s a privilege because so many other woman don’t have that power. I don’t even know how to express what I feel. I feel proud, I feel devastated, I feel powerful. I feel for the first time the suffering of so many is being validated. Women are being heard. We still have such a long way to go, we have so many barriers to break and so much prejudice to erase. But this, in my opinion, is the first time there has been such a widespread acknowledgement of systematic oppression that has actually had action follow.

It can be so emotionally draining to think about all of this. To try and process the happenings of the world. And today, what happened, is a good thing. But there are so many other things in the world. I think apathy is such a strong defence but also I think it is the weak path to take. It’s easy to decide not to care but in doing that you’re giving a voice to those who don’t deserve it. You’re enabling hate and discrimination. It is hard for me sometimes to really think about how many people are mistreated and how unjust it is. There is so much goodness in people who have been trodden on, and it’s so unfair and disheartening. I am probably on the end of the spectrum where I am too emotionally invested in this. I let it affect me, affect my state of happiness. And I think that a lot of people think I am an idiot for that. It’s silly and immature to get emotional about something that hasn’t happened to me. But suffering is suffering and just because I am not experiencing it doesn’t mean that it’s ok that others are. I don’t understand how people can look at other human beings and decide not to care about them. Families and men and women and children whose lives are being destroyed, or already have been. But it’s not my family so why should I care? They might not even be the same race or the same religion or the same nationality so why is it my problem? People’s inability to truly care about something unless they are being affected first hand completely astonishes me. To able to distance yourself from inequity and discrimination that is happening to other people. Can’t relate.

Sometimes I feel guilty because what am I really doing to help people. I am angry about all the shit that is wrong in the world but that isn’t enough. I’m not standing up to Trump, I am not creating any real change. Any empathy that I feel is useless if I’m not channelling it. But that is a goal that I can work towards, something that I can one day hope to achieve.

[invalidatxd-blog]

03.01.2018

Same day same me

Talking to someone who has moderately little mental health issues is so interesting. I mean I think that I am fairly empathetic in general so maybe there is that. And I am not trying to put myself on a pedestal, but I think that being mentally ill gives you a very different perspective on humans in general and especially negativity. Emma is good because she doesn’t have any pretence of understanding. She doesn’t try and sympathise with something that she can’t relate to. Which is great. But I think having the understanding, realising that people aren’t always as lucky as you are and they cant always communicate the way you do, and that you wont be able to feel the way that they feel. I think it’s important to acknowledge that it comes from a certain level of privilege. Also I read something really interesting on the internet about people who are depressed or mentally ill sometimes can’t help they’re actions, but that doesn’t mean that their actions are justified. But it can be frustrating listening to emma who will acknowledge that she doesn’t have that understanding but than try and explain your feelings to you. She likes to label things and explain them away and put them in a box. I think that it is a part of her need to have structure and order in her life and.

I have to finish that mid thought because my computer crashed and I don’t remember what I said. I actually lost like 400 words but that’s ok because I think it was mostly garble anyway. I think I need to start working to make my thoughts in this more coherent and more ordered, I think that will help me order and work through my own thoughts in real life. It’s almost as if this is a tangible mind. I guess that’s what most writing is, people putting their thoughts and who they are into something that is accessible for others. Tangible self-expression. It’s so interesting when you think about how you are accessing parts of people’s souls through their choice of expression, whether it be music or art or books. Thinking about sharing this word document makes me realise how much courage it must take to share those parts of yourself. Even fiction novels give such an insight into the author, it shows you what they think about and how they think. When you listen to the lyrics of a song there is so much that is being putting out there. But I think it must also be so liberating to share those aspects of your mind with other people, and having people who relate to it as well. I am not into the idea of putting things out in the universe but I do believe that internalising things is so dangerous and I think that it’s human nature to share, to comfort and to find people who you can relate to. The sharing of stories is so deeply personal, even though it may not be a personal story, and I think it is a really crucial aspect of the fabric of human nature. Entire society’s and cultures live on through the telling of stories, the sharing of songs. It is so interesting to me that arts and creativeness are almost discouraged in society, people should pursue more “academic” pathways. But art and the creativeness of the mind is such a crucial part of what makes humans so human. I think that as integral as science and mathematics and academia is to society, it doesn’t breed love or passion like writing or drawing or creating does. It doesn’t have the ability to make people feel the way that music can. Not that there aren’t people who feel passionately about those parts of life, it’s just a more clinical aspect of humans.

I love having the conversation about what makes humans different from other animals or beings on the planet, why are we different, what makes us human. Some people say that the ability to love but there’s proof that other animals have the same ability. Ritual also exists in other animal kingdoms. Intelligence is probably a fair argument, human intellect. My favourite argument is that humans can feel compassion, and empathy. Although it seems almost arrogant to assume that we are special in that nature. I think that the fact that the humans need to demonstrate our superiority, to be quantifiably the most superior is probably the best demonstration of what separates humans from other animals.

I still am trying to convince myself that humanity is good, there is so much evil that exists in the world, so much inequity and so many people who are willing to ignore the suffering, or even cause the suffering of others, to further themselves, for money or power. People say that hate is taught and whilst I think that may be somewhat true, how did humans become so hateful initially. I think that prejudice is taught but I think that hate is inherent, so is selfishness. It’s so much easier to be selfish, so much easier to pretend that the world is not such a bad place, ignore the suffering the others. It’s kind of terrifying how easy it is for people to do. I sometimes wonder if power or money is the more prominent motivator for hateful behaviour, but at the moment at least, they seem to be indivisible. You don’t have people with lots of money who don’t have some form of power, and once a person becomes more powerful they almost always end up with more money. I mean I could go into capitalism because realistically that’s the most likely explanation. But what started it.

I’ve heard people argue that because white people had the most civilised society first. Which probably isn’t even accurate, but regardless, what is civilised about massacre, about wiping out entire populations of the planet because they are different. I hate thinking about this, it is depressing and really hard to think about because I am constantly and consistently benefiting from it.

In other news, it turns out that Alex’s New Year’s Resolution is to get rid of me, cut me out of his life. Which is fine. But I do wish that he would tell me first. I mean it’s not really fine, it’s kind of really fucking devastating. But at least it means I don’t have to have false hope anymore. Although I am sure I probably still will. Because I am a fool. I hate saying fool non-sarcastically. But I don’t know how else to describe what I am. An idiot. A loser. Pathetic. All could be used. I am trying so hard to not think about it, but of course that only makes me think about it more. I think this is probably the longest he has gone without replying to a legitimate question from me in a really long time. We have of course gone longer periods without speaking but it’s always because the conversation has stopped or come to an end. I am probably way over analysing it, but he hasn’t watched either of my Instagram stories or snapchat story either. And then comes the fun game of whether or not I should just reply as I normally would or if I should not reply or acknowledge him when he does respond to me. Would that be petty and childish? I mean unless he is just wanting nothing to do with me, there is probably no reason to care that he’s not replying. He has family and friends who is almost definitely spending time with. And I feel like a crazy person and I am thinking like a crazy person and I just need to relax. But it fucking hurts my heart when I see him replying to emma and I get nothing back. It is shit. But also in his defence he is not obligated to reply to me, he doesn’t owe me a response, he’s never once indicated that we are more than just friends. (lol)

I don’t want to leave this entry talking about him because I think that it is toxic and unhealthy and obsessive and I hate myself the most when I am like this.

I am going to list the nice things that happened today:

-          I woke up and I wasn’t hot

-          I saw Elle and had a delicious lunch

-          I like my outfit and how I presented myself today

-          I bought a really good smelling candle

-          I bought a TV which will be so exciting to have.

[invalidatxd-blog]

03.01.2018

It is a New Year

My New Year’s Resolution is that I will be fully vegetarian this year. Which means no meat or fish or gelatine. 2 days in and I have been successful so far. I go on about how the New Year is a joke and over-hyped, but here I am setting resolutions. Jumping on that band-wagon.

Anyway, had an interesting debate with emma tonight about humans and sustainability. Humans aren’t sustainable, we aren’t going to be able to survive this way. But I guess as cynical as I am about humans being in general, there is no other choice for us – it’s a necessity for survival. And as ignorant as humans are, they’re also really fucking selfish. And that selfishness is a huge part of why discrimination continues but I also think because of this there’s no way that humans wont wake up and realise they need to change. I think that at this stage, human survival relies on self-preservation. That is what it comes down too. It’s just so shitty because I am talking about this and I am so lucky because at the end of the day I am in a privileged country and wont be affected by these problems until much later after they’ve affected a lot more people who are powerless to do anything to stop it. But it is countries like mine, and like America etc. that have caused these problems, not the countries that will suffer the most damage the soonest. I think that is such a standard with humans. Those who have done the most harm are always so detached, they have the power. My thoughts aren’t good at the moment

So I am going to go.

[invalidatxd-blog]

31.12.17

Why do people celebrate at New Years

Why. It is depressing. What do I have to look forward next year? What have I accomplished this year? nOthing

I am so mad I don’t want to celebrate this year I don’t want to celebrate next year I don’t see the point. It takes so much energy to be alive and happy at this time of year. Everyone is putting so much pressure on themselves to have a good time, so much pressure to be happy and to celebrate and to have the best possible night. New Year’s symbolises nothing but the changing of the date. The passing of time. Time has passed too quickly to fathom, people don’t even remember 80% of the time, just a few of the extra good days and even more of the extra bad days. Why are we so intent on celebrating that??

I try not to delete anything that I write here, but I don’t like that last sentence. Because I understand why there’s this obsession with the New Year. This idea that a new year is somehow a clean slate. That all the things that went wrong the past 12months are null/void, suddenly they don’t matter. But it doesn’t work, you have to deal with them the next year and the year after that and the year after that etc. Any problems you had still exist no matter how much you want to wish them into, your desires, your failures, your worries don’t change just because the date does. Maybe I am being overly pessimistic but I think we have already established that that is standard by this stage. I want to be able to redo things, change the past. That would be worth celebrating. I don’t want to deal with people tonight. I don’t want to deal with emma tonight, telling me how I feel certain ways or why I shouldn’t feel tonight. Getting frustrated at me for not being exactly the same as her. I need to get ready for a night that I don’t even want to go to. I want to see meg and sam though, that will be nice.

[invalidatxd-blog]

21.11.17

I’m Back

I’ve been so away lately. That isn’t even the right English, not the correct way to say it at all, but definitely the best way to describe it. I’ve been checked out, so preoccupied with all the things going on in my life, leaning too heavily on my ability to numb myself up. I can just sit and let my life happen to me with a certain degree with apathy. It’s not that I’m not feeling my emotions, I definitely do, I tuck them away for a more suitable time, or whenever I can’t fit anything else into the little hidey hole. I feel so relieved to be free from my exams, but I feel so detached from that fact. I got out of dodge so immediately after I finished my exams I think means I haven’t had a chance to process it, I still feel like I will have to go back and study the second I get back to Sydney. Also, money is a forever struggle. I hate that it is such an issue for me.

I think I needed this time away from Sydney. I needed to see my family and my home. It makes me miss home, I am still here but I am already longing for all the space and openness that is just such a normal part of life here. I have hallways and different rooms and places to go. There’s no traffic or cars or even other people aside from mum and dad. I rarely human noises that aren’t me or my parents and nature definitely prevails. I think it’s something that growing up I didn’t even think about. The profound that nature, something completely out of our control, has on mood and just everything. Rain. That was always a big one, and it’s still so ingrained in to me. Rain is a good thing, and it will always be a good thing. It means that the ground is softening, the dust is settling, grass will grow, and the rivers and waterways might even flow. Of course it’s never often enough, or it comes all at once and then it’s cutting through anything man-made that’s in its path. Roads are gone, dam banks are burst and nature makes a comeback. I think that Australia is a lucky country to live in. We have clear air and lots of trees. The oceans are pretty clean and rubbish in-general, is minimal compared to other places. I think about all these things and I feel lucky, lucky, lucky.

I worry about things, not necessarily money or uni, although these things do worry me, I worry about me. Not in a weird selfish way. I just worry about the effect that the recent negativity with m is going to have on my personality, my traits and who I am. I feel more aware of the manipulation and kind of mistreatment that occurred. I’m not naïve to try and say that I have no fault in the situation, fully aware that my communication could have been improved on. But I am also so aware that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did. And I think that it’s good that I know and respect the fact that deserve a certain level of reciprocity from the people I care about. But it’s hard because it has made me jaded in a sense. I feel like I am a little less trusting of people, of their intentions. I am also less patient. I already feel it. I spent so long giving and giving and I just don’t understand why. But it was a good feeling, knowing that I was dependable and that people enjoyed my company because I was. Sometimes E refers to how ‘easy-going’ I am and I get so upset because I’m not easy-going. There’s been so many times where I’ve been with her and I’ve been on the verge of a panic attack but I can’t make her understand that because she doesn’t see outside of her world. God that sounds like such an insult. And I guess in a way it is, but I’m not saying in because I think she is a bad person, it’s just something about her. This kind of expectation that people are there for her convenience, to fit into her world the way that she wants them to. Not that she treats me badly or anything like that, and if I say no to something there is way less manipulation than with m. But it’s not even just the way she treats me (which isn’t badly) but just in general, she has no patience for human error. If it’s not done the way she expects it, if people don’t behave or react how she wants it’s such a problem. And she can react so badly. I don’t know, I guess that’s the thing I struggle with her the most. I am not used to it.

I have a lot in my mind at the moment. I am processing so much. I could talk about the same topics again and again. I could dwell on my relationship with Him. That sounds like I am talking about God or something. I am not. But what’s the point. I am just as unsure and just as hung-up as ever. Even though I know that it’s unrealistic and kinda dumb. What can you do lol??? Like I wish I could flip a switch in my brain. I remember E made a comment about how I like a lot of songs about people who are in love etc. and how it’s funny because I’ve not been in a relationship. I’ve not been in love. And I mean I think she’s right, because I don’t think I’m in love with him, but I am definitely in-‘something’ with him. I wasn’t going to write about this because it drives my head crazy and I shouldn’t allow myself to think about him like this. But fuck it. I just, everytime I think about the times that we were together I just remember being happy. I am happy when I look at him and I am happy when we talk. I can remember when he was here over 4 years ago so clearly. Not all of it, but the important bits. I remember it all so vividly, I remember when I first saw him and I remember the first time we kissed. Fuck, it felt like a dream I was so happy I couldn’t even believe it. And that’s probably more to just the timing of it, that period in my life and all the rest of it. I didn’t even know him then. But I do know him now. I know how he thinks and what makes him laugh and his personality traits. And we’ve been friends for so long and it’s been too long for me to even hope that we will ever be anything other than friends. Because I do, stupidly, hope that we will be more than friends. I think that maybe if last time I saw him he had crushed all possibility of that, not in a rude way but just, if nothing had happened, then I would be so content just being friends. But something did happen. And it wasn’t just friends. And I was so happy I thought I was in a dream. Everything about it was perfect (well like, pretty fucking close) and I was so happy. One of the happiest times that I’ve been. And it sucks because now he’s not even here, he’s in New York, with his girlfriend. And I feel guilty because what right do I have to feel anything for him. Fuck it stresses me out. And I still hope that maybe one day something will happen. And then happen again. And I shouldn’t hope that because 1) it would be too good and too unrealistic for it to ever happen, and 2) I sound like a literal crazy person and I just need to move the fuck on. But like I said, don’t know how to do that.

RIP.

I am going to read through that and be so embarrassed and hate it so much. But I don’t want to delete it. Ya know gotta be honest with myself.

Sometime I wish I could combine my home life with my Sydney life. Sydney is definitely my home now, I am so settled and happy there, but I miss so much about home. I miss my family and I miss my bed and I miss having space. But being at home I miss having independence and places to go and the convenience and my routine. Just can’t seem to win.

I am so reflective at the moment. I think because I have been in Australia for this whole year, and it’s such a mix up in my routine. I don’t know. I feel like all the things that I did and saw and all the people I met. I mean I was so lucky to have those experiences and meet those people and live that life. It feels so surreal almost. I watch videos that spark memories and I am in awe of the things that I did. It’s so hard because in the moment it just feels like such a race to the finish, to be home or to be in a different place, to the next job, to the next client. It’s taken me being in Sydney to really realise how lucky I was and how my experiences were so lucky. I was so lucky. I am so lucky, to have those memories and the ability to have lots of it captured in film and in photos, in magazines. Immortalised by social media and the internet. So lucky. And such an honor. To work with the people I worked with and to be a part of some of the things that I am a part of. Pretty cool.

I mean I should stop writing this essay and probably go to sleep. This is too many words. But what a nice feeling to vent. I don’t like how scattered this entry is and I don’t like how I’ve written today. I am sure there is an expert who could tell my why it is like this. I just hope that next time I write it will read as less erratic and more thoughtful. I worry that this will end up sounding like another petulant 20yo’s venting, thoughtless and superficial. I don’t want that, even if that’s what this is.

Ok for real for real, I have to stop writing tonight.

[invalidatxd-blog]

22.10.2017

Emotions are so unreal, so infallible but so evolutionary.

I have a lot to say at the moment. Too much. I can’t even think where to begin, or where to end. My head is such a mix of thoughts, so jumbled with stress and happiness and contentedness and sadness and anxiety and depression. I love my life. I am very lucky, I have gotten to see a lot and do a lot. I have pushed through a lot of negative things and somehow I am ok. But I think what worries me is that I’m not ok. I feel all these things, but not enough. I have let the emotions wash over me, let them touch my skin but they haven’t pierced through. I can’t even think of a good analogy. I just feel like the emotions that are getting through, that I can feel in my heart and stomach and head are sadness and anxiety and this weird state of numbness. I am constantly nauseous. I feel the rest, but they don’t reach inside me and tear up my insides like the others do. It’s like those songs that shake you to your core, like listening to Wish You Were Here, I feel it in my stomach and my heart and in every being of my body. But I can’t feel happiness like that. I can’t feel content like that. They are on the surface, like the curtains hiding what’s really on the inside. It’s fucked.

I worry that being so in my head like this is bad for me, bad to think so much about it, but then at the end of the day I am able to put a name to it, able to rationalise it with myself. I think that I am a lot stronger than what I was this time 4 years ago. But it scares me because there’s so much of that time that I can���t even remember, I don’t have recollection of so much. How I felt, what led to it, etc. I wonder if I could be headed down the same path without even realising it. But then I guess I have hindsight now. I’m able to take a step back from myself and evaluate and deconstruct what I am feeling. I keep bringing this back to Him in my head. Bringing it back to what happened and what didn’t and over analysing every situation. And no doubt has it had an impact on me, but I think so much of what I’m feeling was already there. I guess it’s just given me a focal point to place all this energy. But I’m not really sure. That could be completely wrong honestly. I just miss him and wish for so much more than what I have with him. And I know that I shouldn’t. It’s just so dam frustrating. I think it is hard being so close with E now as well. She is so open, and on one hand it gives me a sense of security, because she tells me everything. But then there is so much more to compare my relationship with. I really like E, I truly do. But holy fuck it is hard for my self esteem. I can’t even tell people this because they think I am being dumb or childish or ridiculous. But she is so beautiful, so confident, so intelligent. I just have to assume that whatever he did with me, he would want to do 1000x over with E. I have to assume that what happened with me was a mistake, one that he couldn’t take back. And now he is stuck talking to me and appeasing me. It’s fucked that I am thinking like this, it’s so self-focused and so negative but it’s the most-likely reality of it. I can’t let myself think about the other because at the end of the day, why would he ever pick me over her. Why would anyone? I’m not trying to be self-depreciating and throw myself a pity party. It is sad but it’s just the reality of the situation. I know that I have a lot of good traits and am not unattractive or anything. But I am nothing compared to her. And I know that, and I think that he knows that. And I’m sure she knows it. I think that is why I am sad about it. Because at the end of the day I am so inferior to her. Not that I feel the need to be better or anything. And I hate rating other people like this because it assumes that for me to feel inferior to her I automatically feel superior to everyone else. I don’t. It’s just that in terms of the opinion of myself from someone who really matters, I rate second compared to E. (Or realistically 3rd, 4th, 12th compared to the rest of the world). That’s kind of the hardest reality of it. I just don’t measure up.

Holy fuck I hate that I care so much about one person’s perception or view of me. I hate it. Of course I care about how the people in my life view me, but this is somehow different. I’m not sure I need to stop talking about it. I should probably speak to my mother at some stage tonight. I should get out of my head.

[invalidatxd-blog]

18.10.2017

Nature is probably the most grounding thing on earth.

I think I am happiest when I’m surrounded by trees and grass and birds and the ocean. It makes me feel so content and connected. It sounds weird and corny but I think taking a moment to sit by yourself in nature is probably the best things for your soul. Not just walking or exploring, but actually taking a moment to sit and be still in a place with lots of sun and trees and grass and animals. I mean I’m in a park in the middle of the city and it is so grounding, and there are people all around me. But I am by myself and I can feel the cold wind and the warmth of the sun, the soft grass under my bum and hear the birds. If I look around me I can see different types of leaves and grass and lots of shadows that have been made by TREES, not by people or buildings. The way the sun pierces through some leaves but bounces right off others. I can hear people and traffic but I am not a part of that, I am here by myself with nature. I sound so lame and worshipping mother earth-y. But also why aren’t we. This planet is so precious and beautiful and there’s so many people who are hellbent on destroying it. Why? So they can add another 100million to their already ridiculous wealth. The idea that the earth is something humans can just harvest for profit and resources without consequence is fucked. The idea that we can just take and take and take. We don’t need to anymore. There is so many opportunities to moderate, to act sustainably, to reduce waste. We don’t need anymore coal, we have the sun and the wind and the water. We don’t need to de-forest, we can grow trees, etc etc etc. It all seems so wasteful to me. And it is heartbreaking. Because now even in Sydney, in Australia, a country that is in the middle of the ocean, one that has always been so beautiful and clean and fresh. You can see the smog now. Not much, but it is definitely there. I don’t think there is one corner of the planet that humans haven’t damaged. Except maybe the deepest parts of the ocean. It’s so sad. I need to do more to be sustainable and to do my part In stopping, or at least reducing, the destruction of this planet. We only got one earth.

[invalidatxd-blog]

16.10.2017

Time is such A JOKE.

It’s not even real, it’s just a little number on your phone or watch or computer or wall telling you when to do something and when to not. It can change just because but everyone else changes with it. A minute can be a minute or it can be 60 seconds where your entire life changes. It terrifies me almost as much as the ocean how much control time has over my life and how little control I have over time. I think I have said this before, so I won’t delve too deep into it.

Sometimes I have a moment where I realise how privileged I am. It’s something that I generally try to be aware of and take into consideration in day-to-day life but sometimes I have those moments that are such a wake-up call. I think partly because of this assignment, and also this debate with emma. It’s made me very aware of a lot of things. Mostly that I am able to discuss a lot of issues without fear of them impacting on my life in any serious way. I can sit and talk about how someone saying something racist sucks but at the end of the day it doesn’t have any real impact on my life, or the quality of it, or the level of safety or security I feel in my community or other communities. Because I am privileged. I don’t have the same luxury as white men in my position may, but generally speaking I have a very lucky life. I don’t like to use the term lucky to describe my skin colour necessarily, because it implies that one (mine) is more desirable, which is not the case. However it does allow me certain things, luxuries and just basic fundamental human rights. Purely because of my skin colour, and my sexuality, and my gender identity, and my socio-economic status. It’s interesting that there is so much difference between the smallest things. It’s insane that purely because I am white and straight and cisgender, my life is valued more than others who may have a different skin colour, etc. I think acknowledging this is important but it doesn’t change the fact that i should use my privilege to help others. I should fight for those and speak for those who’s identity is dismissed or deemed lesser or irrelevant because of factors they have no control over. It is the right thing, and the only thing I am sure that I want to do in life. I have too much uni work to be distracting myself with this so I will leave and study and try and accomplish things. Farewell.

[invalidatxd-blog]

13.10.2017

Friday the Thirteenth

I am so depressed at the moment, I am so heavy and sad and frustrated and overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t communicate that with anyone. I have so many people I could talk to about this, who would help me, help myself. But I don’t want to be the girl who gets ‘sick’ again because something in my life got hard, or not even hard, but less easy to deal with. I am so tired of being such a burden on people, it’s the worst feeling. It’s so hard needing to talk to someone but knowing full-well that that they don’t want to hear it. They will listen and try their best to comfort or sympathise or help. But they don’t actually want to help. Anyway to distract myself I am going to talk about some of the people in my life right now and all the good things about them.

Meg – what a human being. A bright, bubbly, exciting, funny person to be around. She has the ability to make everyone around her laugh and happy. She is honest, sometimes brutally honest, but she will never tell you anything to hurt you. She cares so deeply about everyone important her but she lives for herself. Her happiness is her own. She has the strongest sense of self out of anyone I know.

Alex – Oh my god. Probably the smartest, most eloquent person I have ever met. I don’t really have words to describe Alex. He listens to all my problems, regardless of how shitty or boring or useless they are. He can’t empathise always but he tries his hardest to see your point of view. So driven and focused and he doesn’t waste words, but he knows the impact of whatever he says. I kind of hate him because he has the most control over my emotions and my happiness.

Mum – oh my god what a stubborn woman. But she singlehandedly knows me the best, she knows how to make me feel better, how to comfort me. She can tell exactly how I’m feeling over the phone, she knows if I’m sad or happy. She’s generous and kind and logical, but so emotionally invested in everyone who’s in her life. Also she gives the best hugs in the entire world. And makes the best damper dip. I love her so much.

Emma – Emma is new. She is goal oriented and driven and motivating and kind. She’s funny and a bit dorky. She’s confident and direct and wants the best for the people in her life. And more importantly she wants what’s best for herself as well, and she’s unsure of that at the moment I think but she will do great things and do them well. She’s also intelligent, especially about the things that go on in her head, and in the heads of those around her

Myself – I feel like I should do this for myself too. I am good at listening and friendly and reasonable at making conversations. I care about all the people in my life very much and I want them all to be happy. I try to put others first as much as possible. I am (moderately) responsible, I think I have good taste in music. I love a lot of things and people. I am working on myself and I think that this counts for something.

It’s such a vicious cycle. I am feeling depressed, and as a result I am getting anxious about being depressed, and then I get anxious about everything, and that makes me act like an asshole, which means that people get pissed off at me, or maybe I just am over-thinking everything.

I need sex. FUCK. But not boring shit sex just because I’m feeling reckless and dumb. Real sex, where I’m emotionally invested. Because I almost had that and it was pretty nice. Boy I am a mess of a human. rip. Fuck, why does everything I say remind me of him? And why do I say so many things because of him. What a fool.

This entry is sloppy and shitty and badly written. There’s too much in my head, I am so stressed I am overwhelmed. I need something or someone in my life that’s more than what I have. Or maybe I’m just making excuses. It’s all bullshit. I just need help. I need someone to talk to. I need someone in my life who cares about me as much as I care about them. I give so much to everyone in my life so I don’t have to think for myself, or about myself. Maybe that’s why alex means so much to me, because out friendship doesn’t revolve around me appeasing him or helping him. Although it is still very one sided. Who knows what’s going on in my head, I surely do not. I just feel like sometimes I don’t have much of an identity or a life that doesn’t revolve around other people, that doesn’t revolve around my friends and what they’re interests are and what they want to do. But at the end of the day that’s my own fault. If anyone ever finds this I am a little bit fucked because it makes it seem like I don’t care about my friends or that I think they’re using me or something. They’re not at all. At all. (((maybe they are to an extent sometimes).

[invalidatxd-blog]

10.10.2017

Time is going too quickly for me.

It truly terrifies me how fast this year has gone and how fast my life is going. I should be happy that I have so much to keep me from focusing on time and the passing of it. But I wish I could watch the minutes in my life just pass by sometimes, I wish I could sit above myself and watch as I waste seconds, minutes, hours, just doing nothing. Writing in this has taken up about 3 minutes already. Is it better to live in the moment, to focus on what you’re doing in that very second? I don’t think that that’s an efficient way to live. I spend every minute of my life thinking about something in the future, planning when I am going to have dinner and when I’m going to do what tomorrow and the day after and the day after. My life revolves around time but I have no control over time. What a low fucking blow, what a one-sided relationship. These numbers have ridiculous control over me and over my life but there’s nothing I can do to slow time or speed it up or stop it. I wish I could stop time in certain moments. There are so many moments I would freeze just so I could relive them over and over again. Our universe is so unyielding, so definitive and structured. I wish I could reach through the universe, pull the strings to slow down time, to manipulate who I saw and who I didn’t. But then maybe that just defeats the purpose? Maybe that’s what the whole point is. To meet who you meet and to have the moments that you have for however long you have them and however long you know them. There’s no undo button or pause or slow motion button. I understand why there’s this huge fucking desire to believe in a divine purpose, in heaven and hell and some kind of deity who gives every aspect of your life meaning. Because otherwise what are you left with? The idea of humanity is fucking depressing, it’s so saddening to witness. What are we doing? Working, eating, sometimes sleeping, always running around, planning something else, and finding something to fill our time… and then what? What happens when it all stops, what was all the running and searching and planning for? What are you left with? Maybe some money, if you’re lucky enough to retire nicely, maybe a family who cares about you, friends who still want your company. But that’s not even a guarantee. I try and stop and take a minute but what is pausing to look at the clouds or the way the leaves reflect that light actually doing? Giving me a second of reprieve? I have so many questions about it all. It’s so unfair. I didn’t ask to live this life, I have no direction, no guiding light driving me to pursue my degree or work at my job. I am doing it because I have to, to survive and to function in this society. That’s pretty fucked up. The idea that people’s lives revolve around their obligations, not around their passions or interests, or the things that they actually want to do. And it’s even more worrying because even if I had the opportunity to revolve my life around only the things that made me happy or passionate or just the things that I care about, what would they be? Would it result in me lying in bed watching Netflix videos all day long? I have no motivation myself, I have nothing that would really drive me to get out of bed and see the world, or at least not regularly. So what am I left with? The knowledge that my driving force is something that I have no interest in, no passion for? I mean I love psychology and learning and reading and writing but I don’t want to be a psychologist, and the only reason I’m even studying at all is because I have to. FUCK. There’s so many things that I would change, I would let them last longer, I would say something different or do something differently, I would react differently. AND that brings it right back to him. There are so many things I would change. I hate it, I hate the fact that I have to think about this all the time, analysing all the things that I could have done or he could have done, all the things we could have done together that we might never get to. I wish I could live in that reality, even just for 24 hours. Just all the things I wish that were true, getting to experience them. But what would happen when it was over? The fucking shit reality of the situation. The reality of how it’s not happened, and it might never happen. That’s the hardest part to process for me. With regards to all things. There are so many things in my life that could be so completely different with just one choice, one word, one split second decision that has completely altered the course of everything that has ever happened to me. I could be going to uni in Brisbane, I could be 2/3 of the way through my degree, I could have never met Milly, I could have stopped talking to alex years ago, I could be dead right now. Holy fuck I could be dead right now, I could have made that decision when I wanted to. That makes me appreciate the fuck out of life, thinking about all the things I’ve experienced because I didn’t choose to leave. Maybe that’s what it’s all about. I am sitting here on my couch in my apartment in Sydney writing this because of a billion little choices. All the little things that have led to this super simple moment is insane, all the possibilities for anything else that could have happened. And even before I existed, before I was even a thought or a possibility, before my parents even existed. Holy fuck. There is so much that goes into your existence, so many millions and billions of factors. Crazy. And all that lead up and I still can’t be bothered to put on pants and cook dinner or turn on the tv or study. What a fooooolllll

[invalidatxd-blog]

09.10.2017

I feel like I am floating.

Not necessarily going anywhere, I have no direction, no reason for existing at the moment. I can be so happy one minute and feel so empty the next. I am depressed, not like I used to be, I don’t think that I will ever let myself get to that point again. It is tempting though. I think that is the one thing that people don’t understand about mental illness. The idea that recovery is so absolute. You are either mentally ill or you are not. It’s such a struggle not to let the mindset take me over, to give in. I like to dip in into it from time to time, it’s comforting. Some of the best things that happened to me happened to me when I was really sick. I met Meg, I met Alex, I started modelling. Some of the best things happened to me when I was really struggling to stay afloat. I was living overseas, I was with Milly or travelling all around Europe and Italy. It’s really hard. Sometimes I wish that I could just give in, not have to work against it, not have to try and function. I am not suicidal anymore, that’s a big step. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I can think about my future, think about more than 6 months or 12 months in advance. People would always ask me if I wanted children or wanted to get married, but I didn’t want to be alive. I know I am struggling at the moment, I know that I should go get help so I don’t get worse. But I feel as though sometimes it doesn’t warrant going to get help. But I know I should, I think such a big sign for me is that I don’t feel disgusted by the thought of hurting myself. There was a stage where even seeing someone slice their skin (by accident) would make me feel sick, I couldn’t watch it. But now it doesn’t. I haven’t obviously, it’s not something I can do anymore.

Maybe that’s part of growing up, it’s recognising the implications of my actions beyond the impulse to do them. IT’S SO HARD. It’s really hard to have all these thoughts, but also have the retrospect to know what actions I should or shouldn’t have. I know I am privileged, a lot of people aren’t able to detach from themselves like this. Can’t regulate their emotions, or even acknowledge what they are feeling. Sometimes I feel like I am a really insightful person. I hate making statements like that but there are moments where things just seem so clear. About myself and about other people. Maybe it has something to do with receptiveness. Actually I remember one of my psychiatrists/psychologists saying something about how because of my social anxiety, I am just much more receptive to their emotions. Im not really sure. But there are times when the slightest shift in a person’s mood is blaringly obvious to me. And jesus as soon as my mood shifts it hits me like a tonne of bricks.

Maybe this is all wrong and I’m just obsessing over myself and my emotions too much. I am not really sure.

I am much more self-assured these days, and a lot less selfish. I don’t think I was ever overly selfish in the context of not caring about others, it was more along the lines of relating everyone’s feelings and emotions and anger and actions back to me. Not being able to recognise that sometimes people are just mad, and it’s not because they hate me. I think there was a stage where I was very typically selfish as well. I was insensitive to other people’s feelings and their everyday lives. I was so focused on helping myself, which was important, but I forgot about other people’s emotions. I am happy that I’ve found a better balance in this retrospect. I find it helpful to help other people now, it’s good for my mind and soul and helps me work through my issues. That sounds so selfish, the idea that I am just helping other people because I know it will help me, but it’s obviously a lot more than that as well. I want to help them because I care about them or because it’s the right thing to do. I’m not really sure, just trying to process my emotions a little more fully I think.

I wish I could see inside the minds of other people sometimes, experience what they feel and how they see things, what moves them and makes them laugh. I hate not knowing sometimes. I HATE NOT KNOWING HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME. You can ask all the questions that you want but at the end of the day the response you get is always going to a filtered and altered version, a version that is slightly modified, written to appease you. One of the happiest parts of my recent life was that morning. I don’t know how to explain how I feel or why I feel it, but I don’t think there is a person on the planet who has the power over my emotions that he does. The fucked up part is that it’s not reciprocated. I feel like it was a dream I was so unbelievable content, I would never leave that morning if I could. And it breaks my heart, truly destroys my soul, that I may never experience it again. I know that I should be grateful that it happened at all but now I know what I’m missing every morning that I wake up by myself. Fuck I am going to have keep this under lock and key, no one can ever see this. It’s so vulnerable, recording my thoughts like this. Even though no one will ever see it. And it’s also so tempting to share, to give people that window into who I am. But that is too scary, too much pressure. It’s funny though, I wouldn’t care if a stranger read this, if someone read it with no context of who I was, where I was from etc. But there’s no guarantee of anonymity anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I feel things more deeply than other people. Maybe that’s why some songs can stop my heart and characters on a tv show mean so much to me. Maybe that’s why I get so hurt by the smallest brush aside. Maybe. Or maybe I am just being an asshole. I sound like an asshole. I sound like I think I have some empathetic emotional superiority. That’s not what I’m attempting to get at, or anything like that. I just wonder, because people feel things to differently to me, and I’m sure to anyone else on the planet. Maybe I am just trying to solve the puzzle of my messy little brain.

It’s interesting to imagine what I am going to think when I read back through this, I wonder if I will be remember this day specifically, sitting here writing this.

I am just trying to figure out where my life is at, where my life brain is at, where my mental health is at. I know one positive thing is that I am not as angry and bitter as I was, even 2-3 months ago, I was so angry all the time. Maybe where I am at now is better. I am so much number these days, I am just floating. Surely that is better than being so angry.

Sometimes maybe being depressed and mentally ill isn’t always a bad thing. I’ve been able to lose weight more, I can get assignments done quickly and I don’t always have to sleep that much.