#but it can be so lonely and sooo overbearing

[strangerays]

sometimes i really wonder about this whole college thing

[backandimbamon]

Bonnie playing with Damon's hair and he all sleepy 😊

this really took a while because… i was going to stop at the first half but i wanted to consider Bonnie’s perspective (: and then it got a lil spicy and i was like *sigh* why must you always take it there? but i mean- 👁- i always take it there because we were robbed!!! Damon is practically a self proclaimed sex god and i hate how they separated Bonnie from her sexuality, or really any form of intimacy for sooo long. and the scraps we got were NEVER enough. okay anyways yeah i’m finally done, like let’s get into it.

Damon notices that Bonnie touches him sparingly and really not because she wants to but because it happens accidentally every now and then, one of the perks about frequently invading her space.

Being stuck on the other side, there is less room for her and more for him, she’s in his world now which means it’s his duty to make her feel as uncomfortably comfortable as possible.

He notices everything; how her cheeks turn red when their knuckles brush against one another’s, how she takes in an exasperated little breath when their shoulders touch, how she rolls her eyes when he stands entirely too close. Damon hangs on to these moments because this may be his only form of female contact he’ll receive for a very, very, long time.

That is the only reason he hangs on.

Anytime she touches him intentionally, he feels a pride swell deep in his chest that he’s liked by Bonnie after a rocky road of ups and downs, fussing and fighting, he is finally deemed worthy enough for her to care about him even if it’s brief, even if it’s the smallest skin to skin contact imaginable.

And yes, he cares because if he has to spend the rest of eternity with one person, they might as well get along.

Movie night comes around so he rests his head in her lap, testing the waters, to see how she will respond to him. He senses her tense up a bit as predicted, but then she relaxes into it breath by breath like she’s doing a tricky yoga pose.

Bonnie’s body lotion makes her skin smell edible- cocoa and honey- she’ll never know but that’s why he nicknames her Bon Bon, she always smells good enough to eat. At this point, Damon can’t recall the VHS movie on the block of a television, his focus has been robbed by Bonnie and this new form of contact she allows him to try. Half of his smile sinks into the cotton of her leggings.

Her eyes never leave the screen when she laces her fingers through his hair, nails surfing through tufts of raven-black and the gesture is so shocking and embarrassingly arousing that a strangled groan gets trapped in his throat.

She panics, and he can tell by the change in her heart rate before saying. “Did I hurt you?” He has to clear his throat to speak.

“Hmmm mm, feels good,” he mumbles feigning casual so she can’t realize how he needs this so so bad that he’s fearful of it being taken away. In his mind he thinks about what if.

What if she wakes up and decides she doesn’t want to tap dance on the line between what is and isn’t acceptable for two best friends. What if she remembers that he’s actually a terrible person who has done horrendous things to her and everyone she’s ever loved.

She shouldn’t like him or try not to laugh at his jokes. Not at all. Bonnie should’ve killed him a long, long time ago because if anyone could do it, it’d be her. He can see her now, all badass and angry with a wooden stake in her hand, vengeance in her eyes, the very last thing he’d see before his lights went out forever.

Bonnie, the giver and the taker.

Bonnie, the only god he knew.

Damon finds himself thinking so intensely lately that he checks the mirror more often than not to make sure he has no brooding lines like his little brother. Stefan’s expansive forehead has the room for it, his perfectly shaped forehead does not.

She laces her fingers back through his hair again and his eyes flutter, that’s how good it feels. It’s sensational. And while he’s had his hair pulled in and out of the bedroom, the innocence of her touch makes him want to melt. He finds his lids growing heavier, like how they used to do a century-and-a-half ago when he was human.

Running through dandelion fields in the overbearing Virginia heat, the sun up above sending heavy gusts of sunshine beams, a moment he considers to be oppressive now, used to be magical then- miraculous -and despite sweating through his britches and overcoat he never cared enough to stop running through the fields. The sun was the greatest thing all those years ago, back when white was his favorite color.

And after drawing a long, hot bath, he’d sink deep into the water while the bubbles floated to the top. Damon would close his eyes, hold his breath, see if he could break his prior record. Then he’d get out and the sleep would welcome him like any drowsy being, with open arms. And there he’d fall.

Bonnie has that affect on him. She makes him think of home, his past, when times were simpler and he was human.

He feels that exhausted sometimes, a boy who’s never stopped running through dandelion fields, whether it snows or rains or burns him alive. Her fingernails rake through his scalp- orange leaves on browning grass. Ruining Stefan’s piles for the fun of it. His lids droop. Tired of being consumed by himself, by Bonnie, he admits defeat this time. When he finally drifts off, he remembers that the Virginia heat gave him this same warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

“You really don’t know how good this feels,” his final words are hoarse before he drifts off but the last thing he sees is Bonnie.

The giver and the taker, the only god he knows.

.

Bonnie refuses to relish in the magic of the moment, the fact that it’s so rare Damon ever completely lets his guard down around her. She can always feel his eyes on her, constantly watching because Damon has a presence that’s inescapable.

Being so close to him when he’s extremely vulnerable makes her realize that in all facets, he’s stunning. A stunning that’s almost suffocating but with the dynamic they possess, he only needs to know that he’s not that much of an eye sore.

Now, she stares with wide eyes while she can, memorizes the smooth expanse of skin, every strand of dark hair. Relishes in the feel of his arms around her waist, the weight of his head in her lap. It’s been a long time since she’s felt a body besides her own and as much as she likes to ignore the fact, she has needs, needs that have swelled from being in the presence of Damon for too long.

He’s sexy without any effort, she examines. His dark t-shirt has risen and his pants are low enough that she observes the waistline of (silk?) boxers, taut muscle, navel, happy trail, yeah. Bonnie drinks him in like a cool glass of milk before bedtime- never has this much pretty been in her lap before. Her hands find their way in his head again, tousles through and he nuzzles up against her in his sleep. It’s difficult to pull her eyes away from him, but when she does, the credits are rolling on the screen.

This is Damon she’s thinking about like this, her best friend and also her first best friend’s boyfriend. She repeats it again, not satisfied that the guilt isn’t drowning her like it sometimes does when she catches herself lingering on his attractiveness for too long but Mystic Falls, the real Mystic Falls seems so far away. Elena, Caroline, Matt, Alaric, her old life just seems unattainable, no bigger than a memory she occasionally mistakes for a bad dream.

There’s no denying that being away from it all, here with Damon as the only other person in the world, she feels…safe. Maybe even protected, it’s a stark contrast from the real Mystic Falls where her life is always on the line.

Bonnie starts to get up when she feels his hold on her tighten to prevent her from moving away. They play tug of war for a bit but she eventually stops fighting because Damon is a vampire after all, physical strength is going to get her nowhere. “Fine,” she grumbles, then plops down which causes the end of her top to ride up enough that she can feel the press of Damon’s nose on the curve of her waist. Despite trying to inch her shirt back down, she has no luck. Naturally Damon doesn’t mind.

He inhales her skin deeply, makes a sound of approval before groggily muttering, “Going topless now, are we Judgey?”

She grabs his hair again, yanks his head back as a rebuttal, and Damon bites his tongue so hard that it bleeds. He has to ensure that all of the blood in his body isn’t rushing south too fast but unfortunately, he would have to sever both his arms completely off to stop the blood flow.

Bonnie realizes the dazed look in his eyes isn’t one of pain nor is it from sleep, “Not the reaction you expected, huh?” He asks, gesturing for her to look down but she doesn’t, she can’t. She’s embarrassed, and to make matters worse, a teensy bit turned on.

“You scared, Bon Bon? I thought you were big and bad,” Damon mocks, pulling between his legs to make more room in his jeans, “it’s okay. I know Jeremy left much to be desired.” He sits up with swirls of longing still in his eyes, then grabs a pillow to place in his lap.

“Scared?” She guffaws. “Of what exactly?”

“Me…You.”

“And that means?”

“You’re a smart girl, Bon, figure it out.” Damon taunts, holding her eyes with his. “It’s awfully lonely here.”

She says nothing for a while, refusing to break eye contact first. “So.”

“Soooo, I won’t tell if you won’t.” It’s almost a joke, almost because she has a feeling if she says yes to whatever sort of ambiguous proposal he’s thrown up in the air, there won’t be any laughter. If she says no, it’s no different from his usual innuendos but boy, will she wonder.

“Wanna take a walk on the wild side?” He asks in a singsong tone, eyes dropping to her lips then back up to her eyes.

There are no alarms, no cell phones, no one here that can interrupt this moment. She has to answer, though she has no idea what will come out of her mouth. Bonnie shuts her eyes to make the moment less real, as if it will change the fact that she whispers, “Just one kiss,”

They’re nose to nose when Damon whispers back, “a peck.”

She swallows his breath. “Mhmm,”

“It’s nothing,”

“Nothing.”

“As light as air,” he presses his lips to hers for a brief moment then pulls back again. “See.” He peppers more kisses on her lips, down her jaw, the side of her neck, but they’re heavier. They have a density now. His tongue is on the flesh of her shoulder, teasing up her neck. She feels the light imprint of sharp canines, arousal surges through her like a power circuit, so intense that she moans. When he makes his way back up, their mouths both open in a feral kiss that robs them of air.

Bonnie holds his face in place though he makes no attempt to move away. The pillow falls out from between them when he grabs Bonnie’s leg to straddle him.

It’s nothing.

Nothing separating them from attacking each other’s mouths, nothing stopping Damon from gripping his best friend’s hips, nothing saving Bonnie from discarding his shirt.

His skin is cool enough that she can stream together some thought in between relentless kisses. “Damon,” she tries her best to sound admonishing.

“Please, not right now.” Damon cuffs both her wrists behind her with one hand and plants a hickey just above her cleavage. She sees stars. He already knows what the inflection in her voice means- the timing couldn’t be worse.“Let’s save the guilt for tomorrow morning.” His tone is octaves lower, almost as low as his lids. He drags his eyes up to hers, and they’re so shiny she can see her reflection. “I need this, Bonnie. Don’t you?”

He doesn’t bother waiting for a response, just continues on with his ministrations, hypnotized by the pheromones seeping off of her in waves, wanting to memorize the scent with his tongue. She whines his name, like actually whines his name, and the feeling that sits in the pit of his stomach scares him. Bonnie is so oblivious to the appeal she carries but if she sat in his skin for a day, hell, for a moment, she would realize just how long she’s been driving him insane.

“We can’t,” she groans weakly. “We can’t.”

Damon tries to breathe easier, but that feeling is lurking in his gut. She’s right. The things he’d do to her, he’d break her in half. He removes Bonnie from his lap, separates from her warmth, her scent. Backs away until the tv threatens to fall off the stand. Everything in him tells him to go back, to reenter the magnetic pull, to poke at her forcefield.

He backs away even further if possible. Her breath catches at the distance.

Bonnie’s cheeks are flushed, warm and red like fruit. If she was an apple, she would have already been eaten down to the core. If she was a peach, it would be easier to explain why he ate her. He thinks to himself that he’s officially off the rails, comparing Bonnie to fruit like he is, but he’s trying to rationalize his irrationality. Because if Bonnie never stopped him, he’d definitely be eating something by now.

“Nothing happened.” She says, ignoring his expression and the silent plea in his eyes.

“Nothing.” He deadpans, throwing his shirt back over his head.

Damon thinks of how different things would be if he had his way. Bonnie, spent, drunk, high off of him. Bleeding and wild, pretty and dangerous, yelling for God. He would plunge Jeremy right out of her, help her find her magic again. Give her everything she could dream of. He gulps.

She doesn’t sleep with him tonight, not in the same bed. She’s on the opposite end of the boarding house when he hears her slide under the covers.

The next morning, he thinks to himself, if she even utters a word about last night, he’ll pick up from where he left off. But she doesn’t, her eyes are far away again, and the only proof he has of their adventures is the wonderful, purple hickey.

When movie night comes back around, his head is in her lap and her hand is back in his hair, running to and fro like him in his lavender fields.

That’s all he gets.

Every now and then, it’s enough.

Bonnie gives and takes, then takes away some more.

She’s the closest thing to God he’ll probably ever know.

[anyu-blue]

OOF

Okay so you know how sometimes in the creative process ideas sneak up on you?

Well I just got one of those in the sense that I feel like I got punched in the face it snuck up on me so fast and was/is so hard and heavy I’m left a little stunned and reeling...

Yeah..

Haha

Sooo in the possibly futile idea I may one day write it or have some reason to have written it down here we go:

Iz story in which after the Florpus movie (Maybe- IDK I haven’t seen it or 99% of Invader Zim soooo who knows) Dib is more or less forced or convinced (not sure which direction we’d go here) to gain a more... rigorous form of therapy, in which he becomes calmer and of course is lead down the path most other people are- in the sense he becomes ‘normal’.

Of course it would start with Dib actively avoiding Zim- his brain conflicted and fighting itself, but as time went on he’s become a totally different person (I’m thinking he becomes a football player sort of TOTALLY different). Calmer, level headed. Kind, but slightly aloof. He’d gain popularity with the most normal of the normal and grow to be a forgettable face as much as just a ‘decent’ person. I think he’d gently avoid the sciences- as that would have been the cause for his mental break when he was 12 anyway- and pursue other, more practical, and normal human things. Gaz wouldn’t be immune to all this- their father might just have to accept Dib as a lost cause and be proud of him for what he COULD do rather than pursue science like he want him to... in which case Gaz will become the target of her father’s overbearing desire for a successor. She’ll be amazing at it... but withdrawn in a more forlorn way- calmer as well.

What this entails is he is convinced through RIGORIOUS therapy that Zim is, in fact, a human with some weird medical condition(s) and eccentricities himself- which for normal people are to be avoided.

In my version of this story (regardless of how the show or movie turns out cuz idrk their real relationship, really) Zim would definitely take notice and having had been exiled completely from the Irken race on threat of death (or worse). Zim would not entirely give up on domineering over the human race, but he would funnel it in a different direction- screw the tallest (more or less- though he’d NEVER NEVER say it out loud) this is HIS world and he will find a way/ways to make it more to what he wants/needs.

But anyway.. Zim would notice and would realize Dib’s sudden loss of potential. I don’t know that he would know why Dib gave up to begin with- not knowing about the severe therapy- all hush hush- thinking it was some human need to process the trauma that was their space adventures. He’d just give him space as he himself would be processing it all and changing a part of his core self to be not for the Irken race, but for himself (ROUGH when you are genetically engineered to be self sacrificial for the cause)... And by the time he notices Dib is actively avoiding him.... by the time he notices Dib has all but forgotten him... Zim has more pain and wrenching to go through.

ANYWAY

Zim WOULD eventually notice. He wouldn’t be held back in grades because GIR can help as a stand in, and so does Zim’s own knowledge and ‘medical’ condition excuse- he can pass his classes with zero effort and blah blah... but he’d notice that Dib is... different. And he’d notice he doesn’t entirely like it. And of course he’d be more of the ‘shy kid’ after all is said and done. But one day he’d approach Dib (because Dib certainly isn’t going to come talk to him, despite the stares and more Zim tries to burn into him) and try to talk to him. Dib would be completely neutral-level kind. Knows Zim’s name, but the memories are all... twisted and weird and blocked, more or less. So it’s basically like they were never enemies or whatever they were. Almost like they never knew each other at all.

And that would hurt. It would HURT in a way Zim finds too familiar and wrenching. Dib would ever be kind, but yeah... his soft kindness and gentle letting down of “Hey, bud, I’m sorry but I’m not sure what you mean and I got some stuff to study for, bye.” that’s totally NOT Dib... but is? But no...?

Cue Zim with another breakdown/loss and a bit of his old self resurging to never back down- to get Dib back- the ONE who KNEW and sure maybe judge him, but with Irken adgenda off the table maybe they could be friends?!

Shenanigans of Zim being a pest/bother in school and stalking and otherwise, and Dib TOO GOOD at suddenly looking the wrong direction (almost like a reflex, weird), and having someone else around, and some backfiring... Dib’s kind gaze getting harder and harder to bear because it’s almost like PITY.

Possibly lots of blood. Possible gore? If I could stomach it?

Some themes of self harm, and psycosis, and dark thoughts/themes, and perhaps even some.. em.. nsfw unsolicited offers like Zim screaming “I’ll even let you dissect me!!” in the middle of the cafeteria to try and get SOMETHING of the old Dib back.

Possible Zim physically attacking Dib on a few occasions too. Possible Zim starting to wonder if he IS a human with severe mental issues... he knows he not lol but the IDEA and he’s just SO confused!! and at a loss.

Lots of reckless behavior.

REALLY rough...

But.. knowing me...

I adore happy endings... so all that pain and toil and turmoil would be worth it.

Dib would start to crack. Fight himself too. Try to maintain. Try not to maintain. Realize he has this weird reflex and weird physical reactions around Zim. Know SOMETHING is.. wrong.. off... Epic Mental breakdown ensues.. Not sure about Gaz, but she def has a part...

In the end... they would save eachother.

I’m thinking this would also be a ZaDr type fic... cuz I love messy love too... lonely and never lonely all in one.

But yeah.. *ahem*... all of this hit me in the span of like 5 seconds earlier and I’m... *croaks* I’m TOTALLY okay...

*Squeaks*

[haziel-luz]

Will It Be the Same?

Chapter 3:  Whatever Happens, is Meant to Happen  

(Lucifer x Reader)

Getting through the day with the weak amount of energy you had today was stressful enough, but trying to get by with just a string of your sanity is overbearing. You're hunched over the microscope, focusing on any sort of difference between each sample, even if it’s a slight difference. This helps you distract yourself from accidentally looking through peoples mind or discover something else.

“(Y/n), how’s it going there bestie!” Ella popped up from beside you with a pat on your back. The surprising greeting made you flinch away in fear. Ella quickly frowned, confusion and worry, this was just so sudden.

“Oh sorry Els, it’s going good. I found the difference between these samples from the crime scene. They almost tried to sneak past me.” You smiled nervously and tried to add some humor to lighten the mood you ruined.

“That’s great..Hey, are you okay? You’ve been really fidgety since this morning, it’s like you’ve been avoiding stuff.” Ella gets closer and holds both of your arms gently, trying to soothe you.

“Just a nightmare I had last night. Nothing I can’t handle.” You composed yourself and smiled at her reassuringly. Ella didn’t seemed too convinced, but she let it go anyways

“Alright, try not to work so hard. I want you to come with me at the next crime scene. I’m gonna go get us some coffee before we go.” Ella rubs your arm and walks out of the lab room. You felt like you probably should’ve been more convincing. If she could see you all jumpy then everyone else can too, and you don’t need that kind of attention. You rubbed your temples and breathed in and out to see if you can calm your own nerves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey Decker, I’m gonna steal your partner. Be back in a giffy!” Ella pops at Chloe’s desk out of nowhere, startling her a bit. Ella wasted no time to drag Lucifer towards the coffee and snack area, leaving Chloe confused. Lucifer tried to protest but Ella didn’t even give him the chance to complain.

“Sorry about that but I need your help with something.” Ella’s serious tone caught Lucifer’s attention. Lucifer seemed interested and surprised by Ella’s change of expression.

“I believe you’ve forgotten the old Lopez charm back there.” Lucifer pointed out with a grin. Ella isn’t one to have serious expressions.

“I’m serious Lucifer...it’s about (Y/n). I was wondering if you can give Linda a call so that (Y/n) can go see her. I don’t have much right now but I’ll chip in as much as I can.” Ella poured coffee on both mugs, and looked at him pleadingly.

“Now why on earth would (Y/n) want to see the good doctor?” Lucifer raised an eyebrow at Ella, trying to dig for more information on (Y/n).

“I couldn’t say anything even if I wanted to. You see Lucifer, I’ve been trying to be patient for her to tell me all her problems but it isn’t working. She might just need professional help. So can you do me a favor and call Linda?” Ella sighs tiredly and picks up both mugs.

“Alright Ms.Lopez, I’ll pay for the appointment myself, although you do owe me a favor later on. Deal?” Lucifer grins at Ella.

“Deal. Thanks Lucifer, it means alot.” Ella smiles happily at Lucifer and turns to go back to the lab you both were in.

“Indeed..” Lucifer grins and takes out his flask and takes a sip. If he couldn’t bring out more information about you directly, then maybe he can ask Linda everything she knows about you. Lucifer takes out his phone and dials the number of his therapist.

“Lucifer? I hope this is something important.” Linda sighs tiredly through the phone.

“Why yes it is doctor.” Lucifer turns to see you laughing with Ella in the lab. Lucifer’s grin falters into a concern gaze when he realizes how tired you looked. With one simple look at you and somehow he just wants to help you anyway he can, and it really frustrates him. Why the hell would he be automatically more concerned about you than his situation with the detective?

‘What the bloody hell is this?!’ Lucifer thought to himself and sighs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sooo~ you have any plans after this?” Ella asked, taking pictures of the corpse. It made you shiver each time you saw a dead body but you made sure you didn’t show it. You wanted to help Ella in every way you could.

“Nah, not really. Why got something in mind?” You were taking notes of the crime scene and what Ella observes.

“I do, and uh..” Her voice falters when she takes a moment to look at you. You look exhausted and it broke her heart that you aren’t willing to take the time to process and resolve your traumatic experience. It was hell for Ella, waiting for months just to know you were okay, and more months to see you again for her own eyes.

“And what? Are you alright Els?” You gave her a confused look, Els was never one to stop mid-sentence. Ella stayed silent for a moment, battling her inner thoughts while looking at the dead body. You don’t interrupt her thinking or even invade her thoughts.

“Have..you ever thought about going to a therapist?” Ella’s sudden question caught you off guard. She took some more pictures to fill in some silence on your part. She could somehow alway see right through you. It surprises you most of the time, but right now you really wished she didn’t pay attention to your invisible suffering.

“Uh..sometimes.” You answered, crouching down next to her. You knew this was a conversation only between you two.

“How come you haven’t tried?” She sighed and lowered her camera.

“Think about it Els, you're the only one who knows I can read minds. The story behind that isn’t...believable. What kind of therapist would take me seriously?” You told her and rubbed your temple. Ella noticed that your headache was starting again, she quickly pulled out pain killers and gave them to you. Thanking her, you took the pills and hoped that they kicked in sooner before it got stronger.

“I know a therapist that can help, she’s a good friend of mine. It would really mean alot if you at least gave her a shot. Please?” Ella looked at you with serious and pleading eyes. Damn her charms! You really can’t say no to that. You groaned and watched her grin at her victory.

“Fine. I’ll only try it once, and if it doesn’t work well, then can we drop the therapy subject?” You huffed while taking notes.

“Yup!” Ella hugged you tightly and you couldn’t but smile while you were taking notes. You have such a soft spot for Ella, and she knows it.

“Hey Ella, (Y/n). What do we have?” Chloe smiled while approaching with Lucifer. Ella broke from her embrace and started looking at the corpse.

“This is Wesly Rogers, choked to death by a wire while watching sports.” Ella pointed to the t.v behind them and continued. “Apparently he was just a science teacher, such a normal dude for a brutal death. He didn’t even get to see who won. Shame.” Ella sighed and shook her head.

“What’s more shameful is his outfit, such a nice house and he can’t even dress like he does.” Lucifer looks around the living room and then back at Wesly with disgust. You chuckled at his change of topic and Ella shook her head with a small snort. Chloe looked at Lucifer and rolled her eyes.

“That’s it? Just a crime of passion?” Chloe raised an eyebrow at the corpse and back to Ella.

“The evidence points to that direction but whoever murdered him is pretty much a pro. Wesly here fought back and normally you would scratch people or something, but his fingernails are squeaky clean. There’s no sign of fingerprints and no force entry.” You spoke up and stood up with Ella.

“That’s weird..does he have any family? A background?” Chloe asked and you gave her your notes.

“From what we got, he was just an orphan and has never been adopted. No girlfriend, wife, kids, nada. Dude just hangs out with teachers and students.” Ella responded and shrugs, packing her camera.

“Well, I guess he doesn’t need a love life since he’s so used to being lonely.” Chloe commented bitterly while giving you your notes back. You mentally winced at the comment, you looked at Lucifer and he stared at her with a frown. ‘Not today guys...’ You packed your notes.

Before Lucifer could say a word, Chloe took the file from an officer and left. You and Ella looked at each other, you were visibly uncomfortable. You can tell that she was trying to communicate with you through her thoughts, so you took the invitation.

‘Got any idea on what that’s about?’ Ella asked acting naturally while looking through some other notes you didn’t put away.

‘Two words. Living. Nightmare.’ You quietly huffed.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ She frowned slightly at your response.

‘I may have accidentally...split my subconscious from my body in my sleep, and maybe my subconscious side was somehow placed in Lucifer’s penthouse.’ You kept your head down in embarrassment, staring at the notes.

‘Okay? What does that have to do with their relationship drama?’ Ella seemed confused.

‘I uh-I witnessed them doing..sexual activities and then argued right after. Literally a second after they were done..’ You elaborated and her eyes widened like saucers.

“Hello? Is there something in those notes that are more interesting than yours truly?” Lucifer waved his hands in front of you two, making you both snap out of your inner conversation.

“Sorry bro, uh we were just going through this one last time.” Ella explained and gave you the rest of the notes for you to pack.

“As I was saying, would either of you be interested in my assistance today?” Lucifer asked.

“That’s sweet Lucifer, but we got everything under control here.” You sympathetically smiled at the poor guy.

“Yes, of course..” Lucifer sighed and turned to walk out the crime scene. Unfortunately, having an optimistic friend that loves to help out those in need couldn’t just give you a break.

“But! We might need some help with files, papers, and all that sorts of stuff. I still got some research to do on this dead guy, so (Y/n) will be really lonely. Wouldn’t want to stress her out, you know?” Ella smiled at Lucifer while patting your shoulder, your eyes went to Ella’s.

‘Seriously? After what I told you, you're gonna have me stuck in a room with him?’ You groaned mentally.

‘Oh grow up, it’s just sex and drama. The typical love life if you ask me. Come on, look at him, he looks sad.’ Ella lightly scolded you and you turned to look at Lucifer. You noticed he had a gleam of hope in his eyes and you mentally sighed.

“Yea, I forgot you were busy too Els. I wouldn’t mind having extra help.” You gave him a smile, hopefully convincing him that you're alright with this.

“Perfect! I’ll be there when you're ready.” Lucifer smiled and left the crime scene.

‘You owe me for this Els.’

‘Don’t I always?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How can you live with these boring duties?” Lucifer pulled out his flask and took a swig.

“You wanted to help with the boring stuff, welcome to hell buddy, not everything is as exciting as being in the field.” You scoffed lightly at his complaint.

“Trust me, this is much more exciting than hell itself.” Lucifer snorts and shakes his head. You put the files away, thankful that the endless piles of papers are over.

“I don’t know about that, I’m actually mentally preparing myself when the time comes." You jokingly said while texting Ella about your completed task. You were expecting a laugh but all you heard was silence. His silence was getting a little uncomfortable until he finally spoke.

"What would make you believe that you belong in hell?" His voice was surprisingly soft. You stopped typing and your eyes met his. From your point of view, you saw concern and curiosity. His eyebrows furrow in confusion, he's trying to understand you.

"Just a feeling, you know? I'm not very Christian, although I do believe in the 'big guy' as Ella would call him." You chuckled, thinking about your friend. "I'm far from perfect, like way far. For me, it all depends on what you die for instead of what you live for. You can be a saint all your life and still go to hell." You continued your explanation while finishing your text to Ella. It's strange that you're having this conversation with him of all people.

"What, so you have faith in dear ol' dad on your death? Despite everything he could've helped you go through in your life, you deliberately choose to trust him in your last seconds of life?" Lucifer scoffs and stands from his stool to walk towards you. You're surprised by his argument, this topic must be really sensitive. 'Dear ol' dad? Seriously?'

"He might've made me Lucifer, but he didn't create my future, because if he did then I should feel like I'm going somewhere. This isn't about who I believe in at the end of the day. Why are you so in depth with this conversation anyways?" You raised your eyebrow at him while he towered over you.

“You shouldn’t be speaking so freely about death, especially where you’ll end up. Unless… there’s something you regret dearly, your deepest darkest desire perhaps?” Lucifer loses his irritated pose and leans a bit, making you cautiously lean back.

“Uh-Lucifer, I don’t know what you're trying to pull out of this conversation but since we’re done here, how about I go catch up with Ella and you can see what Chloe is up to.” You stood up from your stool and walked around him to the door. You’re really trying to stay out of his thoughts, somehow it’s harder with him and you just don’t get it. ‘Come on chica, you were doing so well today.’ You scolded yourself mentally.

Just when you opened the door, an arm reached out from behind you and closed it. You yelped when you were sharply turned around and pinned against the door by your shoulders. Your startled eyes quickly made contact with Lucifer’s frustrated orbs. You don’t know what came over him. One moment you two were having a playful conversation and then it was somehow flipped upside down.

“Lucifer, what are you doing? Let go!” Your voice was loud enough to become a warning, but not enough to alert the noisy precinct. You tried to struggle but his grip only tightened on your shoulders.

“I’ve clearly had enough with the ‘innocent human’ facade, my dear. A six month  disappearance and you come back as someone ‘special’? Ray has certainly been cautious around you but I would love to get to the bloody point.” Lucifer scoffs at your acting, which was something you weren’t doing at all. You froze at the mention of your disappearance and Ray-Ray. That information made you scared and confused.

“H-how do you know about that and R-Ray-Ray?” Your eyes widen, turning pale. You thought that you and Ella were the only ones that could see the ghost. Just like you thought no one else knew about those six months you refused to think about.

“I have my connections. Now that we’ve cleared the air, how about you answer my questions. Did my father send you to meddle with my life?” Lucifer glared, making you feel tiny and weak. He wasn’t the Lucifer you first met, he’s darker...almost dangerous.

“Your father? Lucifer what the fuck has gotten into you, I didn’t know you even existed until you broke into Ella’s apartment. Now let me go!” You couldn’t take the forceful interrogation any longer, this behavior has just opened old wounds you never wanted to think of again. You tried kicking him off of you, but he stayed in place like a fucking wall, not even a centimeter away from you.

“Ugh, stubborn as a mule. Very well then, you brought this upon yourself.” Lucifer grumbled, making you stand up straight against the door. He straightened out his shoulders and leaned in, his dark orbs piercing into your delicate ones. “What, do tell, is your deepest desire?” His voice rumbled darkly, like he’s putting a spell on you.

The second he asked that question, your eyes couldn’t look away from his. It was as if his eyes were the strongest magnets in the universe. You couldn’t concentrate on your own thoughts, your surroundings, or the situation. Your mind was filled with many memories all at once. The memories that were spilling out weren’t sweet, they were horrible. It was a recap of the woman you used to be to the woman you are now.

Tears started to blur your eyes. The woman you were before was the woman you wanted to be now. Not this..freak of nature..

Lucifer was concentrating even harder, he was amused by the strong willpower she had to refuse to confess her desires. Noticing her tears, Lucifer froze in place and stared at her tear stained cheeks. Watching them fall, his face changed from menacing to guilt. Here he was, angry at the thought of his father tweaking his life as if he needed a path to follow, that he didn’t notice the pain he was inflicting on to you.

Lucifer stopped his mojo and loosened his grip on your shoulders, but it was too late. Your breathing was shallow, tears continuing to fall. You were starting to hear those voices again, the ones in your memories, from the precinct, and the one in front of you. You instinctively put your hands up to cover your ears, knowing that it wouldn’t help. You whimpered and you were finally able to close your eyes. Your fear, anger, and desperation got the best of you...and your abilities.

‘Let me GO! LET ME GO!’ A voice rang out in an empty dark room. Lucifer’s eyes widened and turned his head to the corner of the room. The corner of the forensic room was darker than it originally was. He saw a girl, with disheveled hair, bloody clothes, just a fragile and weak form.

‘Please..someone help me please...LET ME OUT!’ The girl hit the wall with a heart wrenching sob. Her face finally revealed to be...you. Lucifer’s breath hitched and he turned back to you, your eyes were closed tight and you kept covering your eyes, as if you were desperately trying to block the horrible scene. Lucifer was shocked, it was impossible for a mortal to do such things. His father would never allow it, not even if it was meant to set him on some kind of path. This was something that neither heaven or hell has ever created.

Lucifer reached out to your hands covering your ears and tried to talk calmly over the suffering voice in the corner of the lab. “(Y/n), listen to me, it’s over now. There’s nothing for you to suffer from anymore.” His calm voice made you open your blurry teary eyes. Your hands were trembling under his touch.

“There you go, now take a deep breath and concentrate on me, can you do that?” Lucifer took a hold of your hands gently. You took a deep breath and stared into his eyes, your vision clearing up from all the tears. “That’s right, come back to me darling.” He put his hands on your cheeks to wipe away your tears. All you saw in his eyes was nothing but care and guilt. Your mind came back to reality, voices and memories fading away, coming back to the light.

Lucifer turned to see if the other suffering you was still there but it was gone. It was just the original corner of the white forensic lab. Staring at his confusion, you realized he saw a snippet of your memories from your disappearance. He turned towards you again and removed his hands from your face slowly.

Processing and remembering what led to this point, you backed up a bit and glared at him. You were boiling mad, the way he somehow forced you to open those wounds again. How he was controlling and manipulating your mind for his own benefit. He noticed your body language and he tried to reach out to your cheeks again.

“I...I’m sor-” You slapped his hands away harshly and bolted out the door. Lucifer tried to follow you but you stopped short when you bumped into Ella and Chloe. Right on cue.

“(Y/n)? Hey, what happened?” Ella looked into your eyes with warmth and comfort. You choked a sob and hugged her close to you, burying your face in her shoulder. Ella held you close, surprised that you broke into tears. She wanted to desperately understand what you're going through, like she always wanted to when you came back.

Lucifer was close by, this made Chloe tense. Did he show you his true form? Ella’s attention went to Lucifer’s guilty form, making her in protective mode.

“What the hell did you do?" Ella glared at him and held you closer like a momma bear with her cub. Lucifer’s mouth opened slightly but closed again, he didn’t know how to explain this, especially since Ella doesn’t know his true form. Chloe observed him carefully, he seemed hesitant to get closer and he wanted to speak up, at least to you since his eyes never left your sad state.

“I’ll take him with me to finish the case, and talk some sense into him along the way. You can stay with (Y/n) for the rest of the day, thank you for your help Ella. I hope you feel better (Y/n).” Chloe genuinely comforts you and calms Ella’s protective posture. She walks towards Lucifer and gives him a stern look while nodding to the other direction, away from the two of you.

Lucifer nods back and gives you one last look before walking off with her. Chloe didn’t fail to notice that he was hesitant on leaving when he looked back. She didn’t know what’s going on in his head, but what she did know from just a glance was that he wanted to be there for you. To comfort you.

Chloe felt a slight pain in her chest, the comfort and kindness he wanted to give you was something he hasn’t shown the past two months. Their emotional and physical intimacy hasn’t been the same. She wonders if God had other plans for Lucifer. Maybe she wasn’t enough for the devil she was created for. Chloe shook her head and focused her way out of the insecurities.

‘Whatever happens, is meant to happen.’

/////////////////////////////////////

Stay tuned for the next chapter!~~ Feedback is always welcome my lovelies💖

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MASTERLIST

[soft-hard-peaches]

Reaction: Taking Care of Drunk SO

~fluff~ ~crack~

Kim Seokjin

After eating dinner alone for the 4th time this week, you've become accustomed to eating in front of the television watching dramas to fill the lonely air. Because a comeback is nearing, the boys spend all their time prepping and finely tuning the choreography and music to make sure everything is more than perfect and you are more than understanding of his career. But none of the less, you still feel a bit lonely without your partner. When Jin comes home, it's usually after you've cleaned up and gone to sleep. Plus when you wake up his already gone or walking out the door. Tonight the solitude gets to you. Sitting like a pretzel on your shared loveseat, you have your dinner in your lap and a glass of wine in hand.

"His is sooo dumb! Who would he stay with her!?" You slurred at the show you're binge watching. "I'm over this!", you say as you watch the next episode. As the show buffers, you hear the door unlock and out comes your beloved bf. Tired and worn out from his schedule but mostly shocked that you're still up.

"Y/n? Why are you still awake?" he questions you with a low and groggy voice. As he heads to the couch next to you, he grabs your glass and puts it down, then leans down to give you a peck. With a exaggerated puff, he asks how much wine have you drunk. You pout saying just a few. He gets up from the couch just to drape his body on you and the loveseat. You lazily reach your hand down to stroke his soft black hair, causing him to hum softly. Your fingers slow down as you close your eyes.

"I miss you Jinnie" in a hush without realizing you said it out loud. Jin looks up at you to see a slight gloomy expression that paints your face. He lays still for a couple of minutes after your fingers stop, signaling you've fell asleep. He slowly gets up, praying you don't wake up. He softly places your dishes in the sink and turns off the tv. He goes to the bedroom to get the bed ready and goes back to softly pick you up. You mutter something but the only thing on Jin's mind is taking care of you. He knows how much you love him and how patient you are, especially during heavy scheduling. He loves you just as much as his career.

He tucks you in bed and strokes your cheek, marveling at you beauty and soft sighs. Once he's done with his shower, he comes back to bed and lays under the covers beside you. When you feel the sunken pressure of the bed, you scoot you body and lays head on his shoulder. Jin shuts his eyes tight trying not to laugh at his cute S.O.. "Goodnight love" he whispers to you as he wraps one of the arms around his torso. "'night looove" you sigh in a sing-song manner.

He smiles.

Kim Namjoon

"One shot! Two shots!!" Taehyung and Jungkook chants at you and Jimin as you two toss back shots of soju. The rest of the boys cheer you two on as the once chill dinner party turns into an all out turn up before anyone even realized it. It likely happened after your bf Namjoon said he was shock at first at how much you can hold your own at a bar causing Jimin to get competitive and the rest of the maknaes instigating. But Joon didn't mind. He was sitting across the room with Hoseok enjoying he show.

"Wooow! Y/n is awesome" taehyung said in disbelief. "She practically and of us" Yoongi yells from god-knows where. "Ahhhh that shot was spicy" you complain sticking your tongue out trying to cool your mouth as Jimin falls down laughing. You feel a large hand on you shoulder causing you to look up. It's Joon with a glass of water ready for you like he was waiting to rescue you. And you react as if he was your superman.

"MY HERO!" You clasp the glass with both hands as you look up adoringly at your tall and beautiful bf. The sweet but glassy look in your eyes flustered him. Causing everyone to taunt you both like a bunch of middle schoolers, especially Jin and Hoseok. Joon pulls out your chair so you can rest and hydrate then pulls out the next chair for himself.

As the night goes on everyone is playing a board game. The game goes on too long for everyone's liking and decides to let you be the tie breaker between Hoseok and Joon. Tipsy you say they should do aegyo with ot5 agreeing with too loudly that Namseok couldn't protest. First Hoseok did his signature cute noises and faces but everyone groaned except you laughing. Next is Joon, who hesitated but made a smirk face, displaying his dimples and sultry smize. Without hesitation you lean in and kiss him on the lips causing everyone to groan again.

"Did I win?" Namjoon asks excitedly.

"No, Hobi wins" you say matter of factly.

Everyone cheers but you and Joon. "Why didn't I win?" He ask sadly. Grabbing his shoulders to pull in closer to you. "I said cute not sexy" you wink at him. Causing him to get flustered again.

Min Yoongi

After coming home to your shared apartment after a nice dinner with all the boys, Yoongi drives you both home to the hum of the soft radio. Eyes closed, you try to listen to the radio but your head is spinning. Because of the silence, Yoongi thinks you are asleep but in reality you are festering. And you stay like that till you feel the car pull up to the drive away. Shocked that you are awake enough to hop out the car by yourself. He follow you to place his hand on the small of your back to keep you balanced but you don't react.

The silence was left unnoticed by your boyfriend because your both pretty quiet at this hour but he definitely felt a bit a tension. You head in opposite directions as he goes to the kitchen for water and you start undressing on the way to the master bedroom. He makes his way to the bedroom, placing a glass of water on your bedside dresser, and search for comfortable pajamas. You finally walk out of the bathroom wearing a tank top and pyjama pants. Yoongi watches you as you sit on the bed like a pretzel while you fiddle with you nails.

"What?" Yoongi ask frankly.

"What." You respond.

Your boyfriend finishes knotting the drawstring of his pants then walks up to you.

"Did you enjoy the dinner?" He tries to get you to talk.

"Yes... Did you?" You don't look at him.

Ready to give and go to bed, he responds. "Yeah, the steak was good and the guys were cheery as usual." He sits on the bed gearing to lay down. " I bet you have fun. Knowing Kookie was there..." You say under your breath. Yoongi sat up, looking at you puzzled, "what are you-". You cut him off, finally looking at him with red eyes. "You like him better than me Yoong, I already know! Jungkook told me"

He sits there even more confused. "You let him get away with bothering you but when I do it, I'm a brat!"

"You are a brat" he chuckles at you making you huff and pout. He sees that you're still tipsy so he's finding your scene cute and he tells you so. "You're cute y'kno that right?" He grabs your hand and gently pulls you on him. Still pouting, he reaches up to caress you cheek as you hold onto his hand, "I'm cuter than Jungkook, right?" you as him. The position you're in and the look on your face causes Yoongi to blush.

"You're way cuter than him now. But when when he was younger-" you stop him with a kiss. "I'm kidding *kiss* You're *kiss* the cutest *kiss*." You giggle and carry on you night together.

Jung Hoseok

After a strenuous comeback season, you finally get to spend quality time with you boyfriend and you both were excited about it. Your relationship was fairly young still. Introduced by neutral friends, you both hit it off almost instantly. After you two were paired to sing a duet together during karaoke night with friends, you both quietly agreed to sing as loud and as off-key and possible and put on a show for everyone. The end of that night, he asked if you wanted to go out again and 5 months later you two are cuddling on the couch enjoying your time.

With a table full of half drunking booze and discarded snacks, you two layed there in pyjamas and comfy clothes, surfing Hulu for a good show to no prevail. "Y/n-" he tries to ask you something but you already have an answer, "there's nothing on Hobi". He puts the remote down in defeat. You reach out to grab your beer, waiting for some type of activity to be proposed.

"Alexa, my Hot Mix" you hear the chime go on and off

"Playing your Hot Mix playlist" it responds

Suddenly you hear your boyfriend's energizer music play as he gets up. You watch as he starts dancing in front of you. Smiling ear to ear, he looks like he's having the time of his life. "Get up and dance." He calls you up to join but you sit there watching him for a bit. "You said you were bored so come dance with me baby." He grabs your hands and leads you up with him. You slowly dance with him unconfidently. Hoseok notices your stiffness and changes the playlist.

"Alexa, play Extra Hot Mix" it chimes on and off.

"Playing Extra Hot Mix playlist."

The music changes to from high energy to slow and sexy. Hoseok puts your arms around his neck loosely then his places his hands on your hips. He guide you to dance to the slow pace of the song as you both look into each other's eyes.

"Better?", he ask with a smile.

"Much better" you respond happily.

Park Jimin

The atmosphere of the club is just as intoxicating as the drinks they served. Your friends egging you on with shots sounded like a good idea till half pass 12, when you were clinging onto your designated drived/boyfriend: Park Jimin.

He didn't like you drinking but he's just glad to be there to watch over you but promised he wouldn't overbearing. He sat at your booth and watched as your friends and you danced and drink for a few hours. He made sure no perv would bother any of you. That was his promise to some of your girl's boyfriends, and he took that job very seriously. He was always nervous when you'd leave to your favorite club with your friends, for obvious reasons, so he wasn't going to give up this chance tonight.

"JIMIN..", he finally hears you over the booming bass and spots you signaling over to him. He maneuvers through the crowed to get to your group. As soon as he's close enough to you, you snatch his hands to put them on your hips. Before he can process it, you are backed up on him, gyrating on him in a circular motion, sloppy. He rapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling your warm perfume. Suddenly, he's carrying your weight as you've reach your drunken capacity.

"Baby are you okay?" There was a pause after his question. With a sluggish giggle you responded, "...of course, love.." But he know you were done.

You close your eyes and when you opened them you were in the front seat of Jimin's car. You could hear you friends laugh and chatter but you're too tired to look back to them. As you adjust your self on the seat, you looked at your boyfriend. He was stone faced, eyebrows sticked seriousness. You closed your eyes.

You grumbled as your feet is lifted from the ground but you're still in and out. You come back after feeling a soft surface underneath you causing you to moan softly. You try to open your eyes but the room is too bright. You feel a familiar hand cup your cheek, you practically purred, head still spinning.

"Are you ok?", you hear his soft song-bird voice question you and you respond with a nod and giggle.

"Do you want me to clean you up?"

"Yes please", you opened your eyes to smiled at him.

He leaves your side for a few moments then you feel weight on the bed again. You feel a slight tug at both of your eyelids as he took off your lashes first. Then you feel a cold, damp cloth on your left side then right side, then lips. Finally you smell your cocao butter lotion making you giggle again. Expecting it to be cold but it wasn't. His warm hands gently rubbed the moisturizer on your face and neck. "Thank you Chimmie" you said sweetly causing him to smile and kiss your lips.

Kim Taehyung

Small-hand in large-hand as you both walk down the street surrounded by night life. Friday night was always so crowed but the congested streets caused you to cling to your boyfriend of 3 months. But neither of you complained about the skinship. Sheepish smiles painted both your faces. You stumbled awkwardly on your wedges. You try to walk upright without him noticing your tipsy fumble. "Y/n? Are you ok?", he stops and pulls you to the side to look into your eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine. I- I must still be a bit tipsy."

You start trudging without him, trying to walking off the embarrassment but he easily catches up with you. Dating is still new to you both so you are easily flustered. Walking side by side but no longer holding hands, you two walk about half a block till something catches his attention. "Oh!", he exclaimed causing you to look up at him. He takes your hand cooing at you with a boxy smile, "let's stop by the mini market." You follow him without protest to the florescent, quiet market with calming muzak. You both nod at the welcoming workers but he let's go of your hand again and walks off.

Left alone, you walk around looking at the different brands of bubble gum on one part of the rack and oddly placed constipation pills on the other half. This makes you chuckle goofily till you hear Taehyung's low voice call you. "What kind of snacks do you want?", he waits for your response.

"Umm, bbq chips.", you say still cheesing.

"Any other snacks?", you hear his voice in the aisle behind you.

"Surprise me..", you walk down to see him but when you hit the corner, his gone. You stop at your tracks wondering where he went. Suddenly you hear the him say "just this" followed by beeps and the cashier asking cash or card. You proceed to walk down the aisle and hearing the cashier as if he needed a bag to his response, he ask for one. Finally you're through and you see him. Bag of snacks in hand, smiling thank you at the worker. Then he looks to you. When you two make eye contact, he walks over to you, one hand out asking for yours and you obliged. Smiling sheepishly.

"I bought us snack.", he grins cutely.

You brought up his hand to place it on your lips and plant a sweet kiss "Thank you."

Jeon Jungkook

"Kookie Kookie Junggukkie" you call him to the living room.

Walking out of bathroom, he wondered what you needed from him so urgently, "Y E S, my drunken sailor. What can I do ya for?" He slaps his cheeks, trying to sober himself up. Once he steps through the hallway, he see what shenanigans are in store.

"Where and when did you get THOSE?", he is puzzled to see you with green and red lightsaber in both hands. He walks closer to his zany girlfriend but you stop him by pointing your plastic sword at him. "While you were in the bathroom, I was studying the blade." It takes him time to process everything then responds with a laugh, "that's not a satisfying answer babe." No less, you hand him a sword, steps away, then challenge him. He takes a dramatic pose and you match his drama. "Fine, but I won't go easy on you cuz I like you."

You both lunge at each other. Shouting and making your own special effect noises. No score keeping, no rules, just dumb laughs and good times. "You think you can win against me?", he laughs at you. He taps you on the side first, then the leg on one side then the other. You're unstable from the drinks and the horseplay. You fall to the ground theatrically after the last blow. Still holding on to your sword, you lowered your head whilst Jungkook laughs in a cocky manner. "I warned you, Sailor. I wouldn't go easy", he brushes his hair off his sweaty forehead, closing his eyes.

You respond softly, "yea... well I won't either.." You slice the plastic sword against his right thigh, making him fall. Then you take out his sword wielding arm. He cries in anguish. Now your above him and he's looking up at you. You put the cold fake sword to his shoulder, "I started and finished this fight". You've defeated him.

He looks up at you adoringly as you look down in triumph.

"You complete me."

[embracesufferdestroy-blog]

When You Don’t Go the Same Way As Everyone Else Around You

It becomes tricky. Not so much at first...but eventually a lot of people find themselves in a very lonely and uncomfortable place.

What the fuck am I talking about? Choosing a different path from all your peers; and in doing so watching your entire social life disappear.

So find new friends? Find better people! So much easier said than done these days. At least when it comes to real life friends who you can actually meet up with for dinner or coffee or just to hang out in your living room. I can cast my line into ocean of available and awesome online friends...and pull up 10 potential keepers...but the reality of the situation is - that’s not what I need. It’s also not what I want. Quality over quantity is a big thing for me.

This is the PoV from someone who is stuck on the opposite end of the spectrum that ALL their friends ended up on the same side of...and it’s honest, which may come off as selfish in a way, but I don’t really care.

It started off easy enough. You’re in your early 20s, everyone’s finally done with school...you’re hanging out, doing things, going places. Sponteneity is the name of the game. Bored at 11:30-12 on a Tuesday night? Call up so-and-so and let’s go for a ride! Yes! Life is still fun.

But then the slippery slop starts. Your first friend gets engaged or randomly married without even mentioning it to anyone. Then suddenly it’s a downfall of repetition. Dates turn into boyfriends and girlfriends...which turn into moving in together...and then marriage.

Suddenly you’re 26 and you’re the only single person left in your social circle. Never even been on a date before. Can’t even BUY a date. So for a time or two - you take them up on their offers of joining them out, or for dinner, but it dawns on you super fast that “being the third wheel” is actually a thing. Dinner dates turn awkward because the couple you’re with starts arguing or nitpicking. You feel like you’re there more as a relationship/marriage counselor as opposed to being their friend. So you stop accepting their offers for going out.

Then the slope just gets more and more slippery. The first baby happens...followed by a fucking AVALANCHE OF BABIES. 

You’re 27 and suddenly everyone’s fertility must’ve magically activated one night. You still haven’t even been on your first date. Can’t even make it past the “hello” phase of dating websites. Great.

For a while you try to be there for your struggling new mom/dad friends. The babies are cute for about a month...and then it soon becomes apparent that you no longer have the friend you once had. It starts to seep into your bones - the fact that for the next like 15-20 (or more!) years that you’ll never really have an opportunity to spend time with the friend you ONCE had. They’re not the same. All the fun has been sucked right out of them. They’ve turned into a nonstop volcano of complaints about dirty diapers, lack of sleep, too much crying, overbearing mother-in-laws (mothers-in-law?)...the list goes on. 

Spontaneity has gone out the window. Bored on a Tuesday night now? Too bad for you. Time to load up Netflix or just keep on gaming because you know for certain that if you even tried to make plans with any of your friends you’d just be met with “nap/bed time...” and “my husband can’t be trusted to watch her alone for more than 15min” and “I’m just too tired and I have to be up at 7am to take <stupidly named child> to <place>.”

Then suddenly 30 hits...and you feel like FINALLY MAYBE you’ve reached some sort of plateau. Some of the kids are old enough now to be a little more self-reliant so mom can come over. Except...mom never wants to come over. Because in 2019 it has become WAY too much of a goddamn chore to bring your children along with you ANYWHERE that isn’t a trip to the grocery store or Target that you can post about on FB because little Tutu Fairy Princess had a meltdown over being told she’s not allowed to buy a lacy black thong that she pulled out of a bin of sale undies.

So there you are, you’re freshly 30, still have never even been on a date. Still can’t even get a response to a “hello” on any dating website you’ve been on for the last 6 years.

Then you’re 33 and it’s still no better. The years keep going by, and you keep hoping that maybe your friends will slowly start returning to the land of the friendships...but it’s a dead hope. You no longer really have friends. Sure, in each others’ hearts you still hold a special place - but when is the last time you actually saw each other and spent REAL MEANINGFUL time together? And I mean more than just a 90min lunch date that was speckled with phone calls from an absent-minded husband, and nonstop rants about child stuff...and absolutely NO conversation about anything else but THEIR life and THEIR family and THEIR child(ren). By the time you get back in your car - YOU’RE tired just from hearing about children and all their bullshit.

All your friends are essentially lost to the wind. Even the ones who claimed they NEVER wanted to get married and/or NEVER wanted children. They all went to the dark side. They all caved in and gave in to “norms” and pressures. “It was easier to just have a kid rather than listen to my parents AND his parents bitch at us all the time coz we hadn’t provided them with a grand child yet.” Um, ok...wow.

So you start reaching out to online communities, in one last-ditch effort to try and find a real friend.

You’ve tried. So many times. To meet up with other voluntarily child-free adults...but it turns out to be utterly fruitless. They’re so few and far between, and most of them are just downright violent/horrible about their vocal hatred of children. I mean, I hate kids and never want any, but I’d never sit there and talk about wanting to physically hurt them like some of these weirdos have a tendency to do. If it’s not being TOTALLY put off by their strangely violent dreams of hurting kids - they just turn out to be wholly incompatible with you for whatever reason. Too much of a gap in age, zero common interests, they’re boring as fuck an only sit there and watch TV during all their free time.

Going through dating profiles is excruciating in your 30s when you don’t want a child in the picture. It’s almost impossible to find a woman in her 30s-40s without a child. Even lesbians now all have multiple children. The single men in their 30s-40s are all single dads with an accidental child from an old girlfriend who they KNEW it was never going to work with. And then you remember that you’re 33 and still haven’t been on one date, and have never even received a response to a “hello” on any dating websites/apps...so you just deactivate all your profiles and prepare for a loveless life.

Even talking to a lot of people gets hard when you tell them that you don’t want kids. “why not?! that’s sooo sad, omg” “oh, you can still change your mind!” “you WILL change your mind when the right woman/man comes along!” Eh, no. Fuck you, cunt. I’m 33 years old now, and for more than half my life I’ve known that being a parent is something I NEVER want to be. Stop telling women that. Seriously. It’s annoying. And devaluing of us as people. I’m more than just a potential incubator. My goddamn incubator doesn’t even work! So what? Am I less of a woman now? No.

So there it is. Climbing through your 30s. No friends. No dates. No social life outside of an occasional gaming night with an online friend who lives across the country.

I severely wish more people in my life had chosen the child-free path.

[hourzmanga]

FEBRUARY manga recs

February is OVER, spring is coming, and here’s a fine selection of what i’ve started reading this past month.

Bousou Girls-teki Mousou Renaiteki Suteki Project: one girl always has the girls she likes stolen by another girl. Cute girls romance.

Hana to Hoshi: this manga SLAPS. about a table tennis player who gives up the sport when she is defeated by another girl, only to be seated by her when they begin to attend the same school. Cute and sweet girls love. What i’m all the fuck about!!!!!!

Isekai Izakaya “Nobu”: a little restaurant that serves its customers in a middle-ages like district for a cheap price. The food is stuff they’ve never seen or tasted before, and almost seems to be from a whole other place.

King’s Viking/Ousamatachi no Viking: An “angel investor” picks up a genius computer kid without social skills who lives in a condemned video rental store with his dog. He spots his potential and helps him get into the business of hacking and cracking, though with each virus he encounters and each virtual attack he defends against he gets closer to a greater conspiracy.

Maou Kyoudai: after defeating the demon king, the hero is forced to care for the demon’s reincarnations; his ribs, hair, and other body parts have returned as siblings that he has to nurture.

Misoshiro de Kanpai!: a girl who lives next door to her childhood friend decides to start making him breakfast everyday (miso soup specifically) after learning he doesn’t usually eat breakfast. Chock full of real good stuff including but not limited to: oblivious but cute main girl, boy who falls in love first, PINING, and COOKING... almost like it was made for me lol. love love love this one. It has the cutest art and i loove the main relationship.

Montage: I really like this high pace action/mystery manga for the interesting characters and scenarios, along with incredible art. But don’t go into it expecting girls with significantly different faces (highkey same face syndrome lol) or a lot of .... respect. The female characters don’t get a lot by way of character, at least not compared to the men. There’s also sexual violence that imo verges on gratuitous. A lot of just plain violence as well. A good read if ur down for a lot of action and can ignore the shitty stuff.

Ojisama to Neko: a lonely older man adopts an even lonelier cat who though. he would never be chosen. Super cute; you’ve probably seen posts about it. Worth The Hype!

Phantom School: A human goes to hell and ends up becoming a teacher at a school there. However, he gets caught up in something far bigger than he knows, and must protect his students as they try to go to paradise.

Pochi Kuro: a human girl ends up in the demon realm, where human flesh is seen as a delicacy. A powerful demon captures her and intends to eat her, but instead falls in love with her and pledges to help her get back to the human world. They’re mostly unable to communicate but they both still work hard together to return to the human world. Super cute and the demons name the girl Pochi lol .... Iconic. Also main demon is basically just a delinquent with wings and pointed ears he’s really good.

Ramen Daisuki Koizumi-san: a girl wants to be friends with a ramen fanatic. Culinary manga where u get to learn all about the frankly excessive seeming numbers of ramen.

Samon-kun wa Summoner: A new student transfers into the main girl’s class, and when she tries to get involved with him despite his seeming oddness, she learns that his announcement on his first day in her class that he is a demon summoner is true, and not just a delusion. He tells her he hates her and wants to see her, a virtual angel beloved by all her classmates, corrupted, and curses her. Despite such an initially..... heavy and weird premise it’s very funny and the main character is sooo good.

Stella to Mille Feuille: a boy with an overbearing father decides to move out and live alone to escape the high expectations. He’s met by a whole cast of characters, including a neighbor raising a young girl by herself, other kind neighbors, and new friends at school. They teach him how to be himself and how to open up and be happy. Love the art and super heartwarming i LIVE for character development focused series like this

Takane no Ran-san: Girl who stands out and a boy who works in a flower shop romance. Just one chapter but looks sooooo good so far.

Tsuru Tsuru to Zara Zara no Aida: cute romance manga about a boy who doesn’t like reptiles and amphibians going out with a girl who loves them. Though he works at his family’s pet shop that sells reptiles and amphibians, he’s scared of them, but his girlfriend falls for him because of where he works.

[smilingperformer]

SM048 thoughts

Ah, Lilie. She has such hard time listening to others talking about their families in such positive light when she just had a fight with her mom that morning. Even thou I haven’t had same situation, I could relate to her reactions, how she felt out of the group during those conversations and just silently thinking about her less-happy family situation. (And honestly, I can relate to the concept of not so happy family, even thou it’s nothing relating to having neglective parents or anything. Just... something different. Enough of that.)

This line had me curious. She does remember Lusamine as a caring mother, who treated her well from what I can tell. However, at some point she apparently became so busy with work that Lilie started feeling lonely? I’m guessing this happened around the Nihilego incident that Lilie still needs to remember. Maybe Lusamine does know about it, and tries to help Lilie to not remember that traumatic experience by not being around? Maybe she had something to do with it and doesn’t feel proud, thus coming of as an overbearing mother. I’m not sure how to feel about this anime!Lusamine fully yet, but I have to admit it’s refreshing to see another take on her. She always came of as a complicated ‘villain’ in the games as well.

But overall, SM048 scored even higher with the subtitles, as I could finally understand the conversations happening during the episode. (Also came to realise that Gonbe is apparently a pun as well. lol So many god damn puns in Pokemon names!) I really love seeing all these characters interacting in such manner, and how they invited Burnet on the fly to their Sleepover was so cute. I’m sooo shipping Burnet and Kukui, I mean, who isn’t? :D

Maybe in the next episode, Lilie will try having a chat with Lusamine before having her trip of memory lines with Satoshi and Hoshigumo and ending up kidnapped by Sauboh. Maybe. I think she was in the VA list? Either way, it looks to be another great episode. Plot wise. I’m so worried for Lilie thou, please save her ;_;