#but it also wasn’t dogshit or even half as bad as a lot of people make it out to be

[benjaycaptain]

I feel like I’m going insane lmaooo

Because I don’t hate the movie, it gives me “greater insight” to see… the actual plot of the movie?? What kind of logic is that?? Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s dogshit? Like yeah it isn’t without criticism, but really now.

“Everyone was content [until she learns *her* family’s wishes won’t be granted]” like. Hello? What part of her saying “you make them forget” did not land??? Of course they were content when they were brainwashed and fed lies (the repeated “give without regret” line is actually sinister!). And while yes it started with her grandpa, she was horrified when she realizes, and the king confirms, that most of the kingdom’s wis/hes will just be kept there, while the people — who have been *changed* because they gave up the best part of them without truly realizing what that meant — continue living in a bubble of the king’s own making

Like I really do feel like people didn’t actually watch the movie or, if they did, did so with one eye open just so they can continue being angry at it for whatever reason

[henpendrips]

2021 Retrospective

Thought that 2021 was as bad as 2020, if not more so? Don't worry, things WILL continue to get worse. Predicting 2028 will be peak Clown World Decade, starting out seemingly okay but going max bonkers past half-time. Precedent's been set, after all.

Now that the doom and gloom's out of the way: without repeating anything I said in previous yearly retrospectives, 2021 wasn't that eventful for me. Probably the biggest blunder might've been not using the Huion Kamvas that I got last year, even though I got it working properly in January. Not a single drawing was done with it, so a waste of money; and I had no excuse, I was locked in the house for the first half of the year, I had plenty of time. Also, my movie list being empty for the first time in over ten years was quite the bummer.

Instead of more demoralizing drivel, figured I'd just recommend some of the cartoon shows that I've (re)watched in recent years which I find to be worth a damn. Maybe if more people watch decent shows from yesteryear, they'll realize why all the horseshit 'content' that's been coming out is fucking atrocious. Not all of them are good, and they're not properly ranked in terms of quality or preference, but here they are:

.Spectacular Spider-Man - One of the best iterations of this IP, and a wonderful example of writing doing proper set-ups. Yes, I'm sad it didn't get its full run. No, I don't want it to continue, even if everyone involved were to come back;

.Futurama - Latter seasons are a bit poopy and less imaginative, but everything pre-movies is top notch comedy and sci-fi storytelling;

.The Batman - The first three seasons are fantastic in establishing Bats and how he handles the job and the Rogues Gallery. Has a weird thing where either character designs or their personalities don't work too well, and the quality drops hard in the last two seasons.

.Johnny Bravo S2 & 3 - Still fucking hilarious, every single episode. S4 was dogshit, so don't watch it, but S1 might be okay, I didn't bother;

.Wakfu - Watch the french dub. Transitions between each season is a bit lacking, I bet they tried to tie the show to the game. Characters are loveable, animation is great, story beats a bit 'ehn' when it comes to powers and reveals;

.Samurai Jack S1-4 - A lot of leniency has to be given to style, but most episodes work really well. One of those shows where it felt like it told every story it could, but hadn't outstayed its welcome (pre-S5);

.Ben 10 (2005) - Fuck everything besides the original series. Has a great blend of all things paranormal, and a kid hero who's properly characterized as a little shit with a heart of gold, learning and training to be a hero;

.Kim Possible - Surprised how decent the characters are, for teen caricatures. Not all episodes work, and some villain confrontations become slightly repetitive;

.Codename: Kids Next Door - Very absurd, especially watching it now, but the world is consistent for the most part. Worst episode is unquestionably the mini-golf one;

.Megas XLR - Pure satire of mech/kaiju/sentai media through an all-american lense. A good enough serving of what we get;

.The Mummy Animated Series - Alternate reality version of 'The Mummy Returns'. Less funny than the film, but the first season's pretty decent;

.Jackie Chan Adventures - Outside of its finale, S4 is the best, S2 is horrible. The show itself is not good, but entertaining. Shame its namesake is no longer with us, RIP;

What I DON'T recommend at ALL: The Mask Animated Series... it's so fucking bad. Not just from the writing, but also from the horrendous pacing and low quality animation in a lot of instances. Don't suffer like I did, just stick with the Jim Carrey movie, because the show isn't worth it. And Freakazoid, to its credit, gets better as it goes on, but not enough to recommend. Sucks that both of these toon-type hero shows don't work out.

Lastly, there's one more thing. One that I probably would consider one the best shows of the previous decade, in spite of its flaws. However, out of principle and spite (30/70 split), I'll never mention or acknowledge which show it is.

1And that's about it for my once-a-year vent session. See you in 2022, only 200 years for the roulette to pay off.

[storyunrelated]

Bad Dreams

Evening!

So I did a thing today - I was seized by a fierce energy and I did a thing!

It had two motivating factors that drove it and gave it purpose. First came me thinking of the line ‘There are no good ways to wake up at five in the morning’ (because I’d woken up at five in the morning and it wasn’t fun) and then mashing it into a half-baked idea I’d had about someone selfishly stealing dreams.

Et voila! A first-person story about someone trying to solve a rash of bad dreams because it’s making their roommate miserable. There’s a friendly witch involved because that’s my thing right now, leave me alone.

Let’s throw some bits at you!

The opening line:

There are no good ways to wake up at five in the morning, but I’d safely say that one of the worst ways to be woken up at five in the morning is by the sound of screaming coming from across the hall.

Trying to be comforting:

“Hey, hey, it’s alright man, you’re alright, come on,” I say in as comforting a tone as I can manage, helping him up into a sitting position in his bed.

And he says - or sobs - something in response but he’s still mostly asleep so it doesn’t really make a lot of sense and doesn’t really have many actual words in it. But that’s fine. Most of us aren’t our best when half-asleep and that’s when most of us aren’t filled with irrational dread from things we can’t control.

Suppose we can’t control anything irrational, can we?

“Yeah I know, I know but it’s alright, come on,” I say, giving him a hug and a pat on the back as he clings onto me like if he doesn’t he’ll float off into the sky and disappear into space, crying the whole time of course. Poor lad.

So he’s there getting tears and snot all over my shoulder and I’m there rubbing his back and telling him that it’s okay and that’s he’s safe and I’m thinking to myself that this is happening a lot more often than it used to.

The friendly witch:

Rose is another person I’ve known since I was a tiny baby. She and Nisien and me used to go roll down hills and climb up trees. One time a boy made Rose cry and so me and Nisien stuffed his shirt with grass until he cried. We got in trouble for that, which is fair. 

Rose was also a witch. A few years ago she got the hat and everything, fully qualified and paid up. 

When I was a younger person (a ‘child’ I believe is the term) I had some people tell me that witches were nasty and mean but Rose was neither of these things and never has been, thus demonstrating to me at an early age that people would seek to lie to me for their own strange purposes.

Those things aren’t really related, really.

And a joke about rods:

Rose then noticed what I was holding and her eyes widened a little.

“Why do you have a crowbar?” She asked. Never a question with a good answer. At least not usually. Tonight the answer was definitely a good answer.

I liked my crowbar. I gave it a bounce and then held it up in front of me in both hands.

“It’s not a magic wand but it’ll get the job done,” I said, giving it a loving stroke. So versatile and yet so simple.

“No-one uses wands…” Rose muttered.

“What’s that, then?” I asked, pointing to the wand-like, wand-shaped magic stick she’d brought with her. She clutched it to herself somewhat defensively.

“It’s a rod,” she said.

I snorted. Rose took a second to get it.

“Oh grow up. You still didn’t say why you have a crowbar.”

Anyway, I need to finish that.

And then I’ll probably never show it to ANYONE, EVER.

I’m going the Kafka route to all this in that I’ll write it all out, tell a friend to burn it when I die, die, they don’t burn it and instead it all gets published.

Except, you know, my stuff is dogshit and knowing my luck they would actually just burn it.

...and I don’t have any friends.

You know, this whole plan is doomed from the start.

[waterparchive]

Track By Track: ‘FANDOM’ with Waterparks

Brii Jamieson – October 21, 2019

Because who better to explain 'FANDOM' than the lads in Waterparks?

So now that we've all had a chance to listen to Waterparks' new album 'FANDOM' and properly mull it over and digest it, we thought that this would be an opportune moment to go through the album in more detail. But rather than us explaining the themes and nuances of the songs on the album, we asked Waterparks to talk us through each track on 'FANDOM'. Here we go.

01. ‘Cherry Red’ Awsten Knight: “I had another demo that I was doing of [‘Cherry Red’], and the file got corrupted. And I was like, ‘Fuck’. I couldn’t open it anymore, and dragged in all the pieces of audio, and just made new tracks of audio. I was going to try and rearrange it to the way I had it, but I pressed play and it sounded like ‘Cherry Red’ when it kicks in. I was just in my room like, ‘Oh shit!’ I was like, ‘Well that’s that’.

“That was fucking wild - but that’s the start to the best album in the world. It gives hints to the last song, because that last song goes, ‘So I must be dead’, and this one’s like, ‘You know I’d die for you’ - get it?”

02. ‘Watch What Happens Next’ Awsten: “‘Watch What Happens Next’ is me just being all, ‘Fuck y’all’. Not all of y’all, just like, a lot of y’all. Most of y’all. All of y’all!

“I overthink shit, a lot of shit. I’m in a band. I overthink being in a band a lot. And one of those things that I’ve overthought is how most other genres are able to celebrate their successes, and it’s a very looked-down-on thing in ‘band world’ to talk about most shit besides feelings. It’s really weird, and it doesn’t really make sense. It’s naïve to pretend that that’s the only thing that exists, and also kind of bad because it panders to people that are just stuck in this cycle of being fucking sad all the time. It makes for mopey high school kids - like me!

“It’s about, in the same regard, how bands aren’t allowed to experiment as much with music as other kinds of people. This isn’t me shitting on it - this is me saying we should be allowed to do it. But hip-hop albums that I really love are super fuckin’ artsy, and if a band were to do that it would be like, ‘What the fuck are y’all doing?’ because when a band switches up the tiniest little thing, [fans] are not about it at all. And it’s super dogshit, it’s very weird, and I think it holds the genre back as a whole, so it was a very frustrating thing for me. So I wrote about it, as I tend to do.”

03. 'Dream Boy' Awsten: “‘Dream Boy’ is about fan expectations. It’s about being built into something, based on an idealised version of you - an unwarranted one, at that - where people look at you as a certain thing. They see you online as, ‘Oh, he’s this and this and this’, and they put what they need you to be into their heads. It’s built into this thing that you cannot live up to, and it’s ultimately going to lead to disappointment - on their end, and my end, because it doesn’t feel good to let people down. But that’s just what happens. Pop banger, dude!”

04. 'Easy To Hate' Awsten: “That one was a ‘Friendly Reminder’ song actually, but it was just a really good song and everyone said I should keep it, and I was just like, ‘Yo, you’re right’. It’s about a break up. Yeah.”

05. 'High Definition' Awsten: “You guys are gonna make me cry by the end of this, and I’m gonna be like, ‘I hope you’re happy with this feature and you get your clicks’. Here we go.

“‘High Definition’ was the latest set of lyrics written for the album - it was the last thing. It’s about not being able to get close to people, because of what we do, being gone all the time. Or, you know, starting to have some kind of stature and not trusting the people who hit you up, because people may not have done so much before.

“There’s a song that’s all, ‘Back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot hoes all on me’ [Mike Jones’ ‘Back Then’] - but not in like a bragalicious way. It’s an, ‘I’m like really lonely, I hate all of this’, kind of way. It’s like that.”  

06. 'Telephone' Awsten: “‘Telephone’ was written when I was super fucking depressed - surprise - and I was at Target. I saw a cute girl at Target, and instead of being like, ‘Sup’ - I would have never done that anyway - I went home and wrote a super obsessive love song, and it was so tight.”

Geoff Wigington: “He called me and was like, ‘Dude, I’ve just seen the prettiest person at Target, I don’t even know what to do - I can’t find them now. I think I’m just gonna go home and write about it’.”

Awsten: “Did that happen?”

Geoff: “Yeah!”

Awsten: “Alright. Either way, I also don’t remember what they look like anymore. Because I saw the responses when I said that were like, ‘What does she look like, blah blah blah missed connection’, and I honestly don’t remember. It was like, January 2018. Yeah, so that song’s that.

“There’s another reason that it almost wasn’t on the album - the original version was kind of pop-punk sounding, and I was like, ‘Fuck that’. But the other reason is, I was trying to decide if it takes away from the album - but it doesn’t though. Because with some of the other themes of the album, it counts as the sugar-spike in [‘Fandom’]. Because when you’re dealing with some shit, you have hard ups and downs, and it’s kind of like a manic thing. It’s lodged between ‘High Definition’ which is a very lonely, isolating song, then you’ve got the ‘AAAAAAH!’ (we pretend that ‘Group Chat’ isn’t a thing for a second), and we have ‘Turbulent’. So it’s between those guys. That’s how it’s meant to be. It’s like, low - very high - very low.”

07. ‘Group Chat' Awsten: “Let’s talk ‘Group Chat’ dude.” [They literally just performed ‘Group Chat’ here. That’s the whole thing].

08. ‘Turbulent’ Awsten: “I was like, ‘I’m done with break up songs dude, I’m over it’. Then I got re-mad at some new shit. Then I was like, ‘You know what though, if we’re gonna do this, it’s gotta be crazy different from everything else, sonically and lyrically’, so instead of approaching it like, ‘Eh’, it was like, ‘Fuck you nerd, I’m way tighter than all of this shit’. Oh my god, and then sonically it was just so dark and shiny and fast, and I was like, ‘This is the best’. [‘Turbulent’] was the turning point for ‘Fandom’ - that was the first thing made after being like, ‘You know what, that one is not going to work, we’re gonna start over’. That was the first thing, and then I was like, ‘Oh, this is what we’re supposed to be doing, alright’.”

09. 'Never Bloom Again' Awsten: “That song has been in the process of being written since 2015. I’ve got real old versions of that. But the thing is, it just kept evolving - I kept doing new verses, and changing things in the hook and stuff like that. And there was a version of it that was ready around the time of ‘Entertainment’ - it wasn’t quite the same, but the reason it wasn’t on there was because I was like, ‘If it’s only 10 songs, there shouldn’t be two acoustic. That might be overkill’.”

10. 'I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don't Wanna Die Anymore' Awsten: “‘I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don’t Wanna Die Anymore’ is about missing having sex… but not wanting to die anymore. In the verses, I was just trying to talk directly to the fans - the first one that’s like, ‘Stop asking me that, don’t ask me that, I don’t wanna do that, I don’t wanna do that either’. It’s always somebody’s birthday. Always. But that song leaves nothing to be imagined… If somebody is like, ‘What’s that line mean?’, I’d be like, ‘Can you read?’. When I say all the lyrics in this album are a lot more blunt, this one is the perfect example of that.”

11. 'War Crimes' Awsten: “Oh. Bud-dy. Oh my lord. What a crazy song. Initially there was another version - or when I first started doing it, it was like a girly base and I was like, ‘Shut up Awsten! We’ve got way tighter shit to say’. It’s me venting about the past year and a half, but it’s like an overview of that time, and is just me bitching about all of it, because bitching is great.

“I mean, we’ve toured a lot, so we’ve experienced a lot with other bands. We’ve experienced a lot just with other people in general and how they are, and how they treat you when things suck - or when things are tight. Or how they treat me because I’m the singer, and he’s just the drummer!”

12. ‘[REBOOT]’ Awsten: “Oh man, that’s like the pettiest breakup song, but it’s so great. I sing so quick in that song, it’s really fun. I wanted that one to come out before [the album] because I worry when songs are towards the back of the album that they’re just not gonna be heard as much, and it’s just a little more sonically… I don’t wanna say low-key - but other songs slam, or I’m like screaming and shit. I wanted to make sure it got its highlight.

“And plus, shout out to those Marilyn Manson-sounding vocals in the chorus - because I didn’t want it to stay the same dynamically, but when we tried to make it go up it just sounded dumb. I was like, ‘Do you know what we have to do? We have to go gloomier. Just sink that bottom half with some real dark shit, some real minor stuff in there’. We made it sound just like Marilyn Manson and it was crazy, and I was like ‘there it is! Bop!’.”

13. ‘Worst’ Awsten: “‘Worst’ was written in March 2019. That’s a lie.

“‘Worst’ started the way most demos do - on the laptop. But then I got upset! And I went and walked to Starbucks and put it on YouTube one morning after seeing some stuff online, and left it unlisted for a minute because I knew our old label would be like ‘waaa’ about it. So I left it up for a minute on unlisted so if people had the link they could find it, but then I deleted the tweet. So I just let it circulate, and dude that shit had like 30,000 views, which back then was like, a lot - because that was back before ‘Entertainment’. Then they made me put it on private, because they found that and Felony Steve: rest in peace Felony Steve (he’ll be back). But then people kept re-uploading it, and one of them has like 400,000 something views right now, which is crazy. So I was just like, ‘I think I can do that song way fucking better’, and sonically it’s completely different now. Yeah, that song is fuckin’ tight. It’s one of the more genre-unique songs on the album.”

14. ‘Zone Out’ Awsten: “‘Zone Out’ came before ‘Dream Boy’ - it was stuck in my head for a long time, and finally I just recorded that chip-tune version of it, for me. But it was kind of ad-libby and shit. So once I got more of the lyrics together I did that. I was just listening to it on repeat because I was like, ‘This is so beautiful’, but then I was like, ‘You know what, this song should be like a full-on pop banger’, and then ‘Dream Boy’ happened. But it’s meant to be like a reflection at the end of the album, kind of like, after all this shit. And it’s kind of more shaky sounding, low… a little more sarcastic at that point.”

15. ‘I Felt Younger When We Met' Awsten: “What a fuckin’ hit. Yeah, that song, there was a version of it for ‘Friendly Reminder’, but it was just super light and it just didn’t do its job. I was like, ‘It’s just not impacting the way it needs to, so it needs to be rewritten’, and now it’s the fucking most insane intro on the entire album - oh my god. When we first got that at the studio, I was in the car with it and I was just like, ‘Woah’, turned it up way to loud, and just started it over when it got to the verse. So crazy.

“That song lyrically links back in to ‘Cherry Red’ - because it’s all meant to be very cohesive, even with the album art and stuff like that. Like the clock hands on the orange - that’s supposed to be the visual, and the ticking at the end represents that it’s about to start over again. Because it’s cyclical! Because guess what, dude? One of the fucking themes, part of the concepts of ‘Fandom’ is grief, and grief is a fucking loopy thing, it’s not a straight path - sometimes you gotta start over again. And you know what? The album did that: sonically, visually, conceptually. It’s a concept album, give us a five.”

https://www.rocksound.tv/features/read/track-by-track-fandom-with-waterparks

[popculturebuffet]

Jake Reviews Stuff: Bojack Horseman: Horay Todd Episode! (Plus a little bit on girls with slingshots)

Happy final day of pride month everybody! It’s been a hell of a ride.. and not just because the current landscape of the globe feels like hell right now, And to close it out we’re taking a look at an often overlooked segment of the queer community in media: Asexuality. I first learned about asexuality from the web comic girls with slingshots, because I love comic strips as much as comic books and because mainstream media tens to be really bad about telling people about diffrent facets of the lbtqa+ community, proven by the fact It took me till 2010, 18 years into my existince, to learn trans people existed from the long running candian teen drama Degrassi, birthplace of candian rapper Drake despite his damndest attempts to make people forget that, and a show that actually tackled the subject really well and the horrible shit trans people have to put up with, especially at Adam’s age. I also bring it up to apologize for a lack of trans representation of this pride as I scratched my head trying to think of some.. only to forget “oh yeah that really damn good rocko special from last year exists and has been sitting there all month dumbass” as I was writing this. I’m truly sorry and will try to get a review of static cling out sometime in june as an apology. 

Back to Girls with Slingshots though because like with degrassi I want to give it genuine props and a talk here both for teaching me about it and being really good at queer representation in general. We actually meet the comic’s Ace representivie Erin, a shy 19 or 20 year old, when lead and professional dumbass Hazel hired Erin to find out who was dating her friend Jamie.. turns out

Given Jamie had only been dating men up to this point, and her one time with a woman lead to her assuming she wasn’t bisexual,  when Jamie TRIED to tell Hazel what was going on Hazel, being kind of a dim, assumed it was an aaron and Erin decided rather than just you know, show up and let the the hamster in hazel’s brain slowly figure it out to do this. 

Why yes that is a tiny asexual wearing the most transparent graucho marx-ish disguise ever. And why yes Hazel absolutely falls for it and even when Erin outright takes off the disguise it still takes Hazel a good minute to connect the dots. And why yes, this strip is awesome and is worth taking a large amount of time to talk about in an almost entirely unreatled article, more than i’d planned really. But eventually things hit a snag: the two TRIED having sex before Erin left to go to school in london.. and given i’ve out and out admited she’s asexual, you can guess it went badly, with Jamie feeling bad it was so uncomfortable and didn’t talk to her until visting her in london, where the two patched things up: They still loved each other, Erin was simply asexual and Jamie realized she was biromantic.  However this didn’t mean Jamie herself was asexual.. and to Corsetto’s credit she actually fully dealt with this. After Jamie accidently became a meme while complaning about how horny she felt, the two had an honest talk about it, with Erin revealing she was perfectly fine if Jamie hooked up with dudes to satisfy her needs. It was a nice compromise and one of the first times I also learned polyamory wasn’t just something some weird asshole on tv did where he forced three women into what looked like an utterly miserable situation. What i’m saying is polgamy isn’t the same as polyamory and sister wives is objectively terrible and i’ve only seen minutes of it. 

In fact the current daily reprint is up to this storyline and has Erin wing womaning for her girlfriend. And yes I do acknowledge this won’t be a solution for EVERY couple, everyone is diffrent.. it was really nice to show a relationship between two people of diffrent and wildly underrepresented sexual orentations that , rather get into a depressing thunderstorm over something like this, talk it out like adults and work out a resonalbe solution. Hence why I took several paragraphs of something else entirely to get into it. If you want more , check the strip out here. 

https://www.girlswithslingshots.com

Okay now that plot cul de sac is out of the way, though I don’t regret a minute of it, you see the problem: Girls was the exception not the role and media wise, has a small but loyal fanbase. Big shows just didn’t really get that asexuality existed. But then one decided:let’s go let’s do this... so now i’ve talked about something else entirley for a good few paragraphs let’s talk about Bojack horseman Bojack Horseman is, like SU last time, one of the best shows of the last decade animated or otherwise. And like Steven, and adventure time before steven, it changed the game on what a genre of animation could do. See while Animation was going thorugh another renicssance in the 2010′s, it was mostly on the kids side for the first half.. Adult Animation was...

While there were good shows,after all Archer is a child of the 2010′s, bob’s burgers premired shortly after, and venture bros was, and still is, goin.. they were the exception. Family Guy was devloving from a really funny show to a horrible, unfunny mess that was and probably still is the television equilvent of screaming racist and offensive things just to piss people off and thus get attention and Adult Swim hit a slump, with several great shows like metalocalypse slowly leaving, and most that was left were garbage like Mr.Pickles. It .. wasn’t a great time. 

But around half way two shows changed things and most adult animation stood up and took notice; Rick and Morty, which while i’m not as much of a fan these days was and still to some small degree is a really funny show while also having a deeply complex and deeply deconstructed lead. And around the same time. we got Bojack.  As you probably know, Bojack was the tale of Bojack Horseman, a former 90′s sitcom star who starred in Horsin Around, basicaly fully house if uncle joey adopted orphans with bits of other tgif shows mixed in. Also he’s a horse and this world has a mixture of humans and various anthropormphic animals. And they dont’ shy away from that either and use that for a LOT of great jokes. Anyways Bojack is now a washed up asshole whose done tons, and as the show goes on continues to do, terribe things to get where he was, and is now trying to hang on to the scraps of his career. Around him are Princess Caroline, a pink cat and his agent and ex-girlfriend who wants a real realtionshpi , a baby and her career to go somewhere, Mr. Peanutbutter, Bojack’s dim aquantince who was on a ripoff show (which only PB seems not to get and is even called “Untitled horsing around ripoff project” at first in a flashback) and is really nice but also really bad at reading people, Diane, PB’s wife for most of the series who soon becomes bojack’s friend when she’s hired to do his autobigoraphy, and today’s subject, Todd, a 20 something cloudcuckoolander who crashed on Bojack’s couch after a party, and just.. never left since Bojack thought todd was kicked out for being gay and brought him in for brownie points (he was just lazy), and then despite insulting Todd constanlty kept him around because he was crushingly lonely and before Diane, had no other friends.  There’s obviously more to it. more evolutions but as the episode title shows, today’s ep is all about Todd, so we’ll be focusing on what he’s been up to: Todd spent most of the first two seasons just kinda.. bouncing around. Whlie the a-plots could be more serious, most todd plots were wacky palette cleansears, from him ending up in jail and trying to court two gangs at once like it was that one episode of family ties every sitcom sense has copied, made a giant copy of his own head over months, or started a safe cab company for women that somehow ended up as stripper cabs. Season 3 however added more weight: Bojack’s various slights against Todd were piling up, and he was starting to get tired of it, the straw that broke the camel’s back coming when Todd’s ex emily, who todd failed to sleep with because he didn’t want to but, not knowing what an asexual even was, couldn’t comincate with it and bojack having a really bad track record of thinking with his dick.. you can kinda see what happened.

Finding out much later, after Bojack used emily telling him not to as an easy way out of telling him and both were kinda stupid with that, and Todd eventually found out something happened.. but when Bojack tells him it was sex, Todd is genuinely suprised and had, for the last time expected better of him. Really Todd is a great deconsturction of the wacky sidekick in shows like this: the often abused optimist oppisite of the pesmist asshole protaganist. But here it shows.. that can only go on  so long. You can only treat a person like dogshit so many times before they grow tired of you and as Todd prepares to move out and bum around somewhere else we get one of the most iconic, and best, scenes in the series as Todd unloads on bojack after the horse tries apologizing.. couched in excuses. 

“It’s you bojack, it’s alwasy eben you” This scene hit like a truck, not just due to Aaron Paul absolutley killing it, but because as someone with a bad habit, even sometimes falling back into it, of justifying why I did something bad afterwords or blaming other people for far too long, if not NEARLY to the extent bojack did, it resonated. Sure those kinds of things may have LEAD you to the things you do but sometimes, your just doing shitty things and no amount of reason for it makes it okay. And it was a bold step to take: while the two talked on occasion and their friendship KINDA regrew, it never REALLY recovered from this. Things didn’t go back in the bottle. Bojack lost one of his best friends as his friend.. they were in the same orbit but it’d never be the same.  Todd did eventually tell Emiliy what he was dealing with and Emily told him what he was, and Todd started crashing on mr.peanutbutter’s couch because, unsuprisingly, the two eventually became close friends. So with Emily out of the picture, while she liked todd she needded sex and neither of them thought of an open relationship, that’s where we find Todd, grapling with his asexuality while getting into his usual wacky misadventures, which hadn’t and would never stop, as evidenced by the horrifying sex robot he created to try and please emily in a later season. So with all of that FINALLY out of the way. we can finally dig into horay todd episode after the read more. Because while i’m going to try doing that less to get more readers.. this episode is giant just at the introduction and is a half an hour long. 

We open with an orchestra, nervous Todd won’t show up for his solo.. because of course Todd’s a regular part of an orchestra now. He shows up in time to do his bit on the triangle, cheers all around

Att the bar, the various musicians wonder just who Todd is. Was in a prison gang? (Yes two in fact as stated above) A foreign prince?? ( He looked just like one and they swapizesd for an episode), a tech billionare? (For all of five minutes) Or is he both?... there isn’t a both here I don’t know why I did that. However the conductor roars in, he’s a lion, .. and it’s keith david everybody!

As you can probably wager Keith David is a faviorite of mine, one of the best voice actors around, a fantastic live actor, and just all around awesome dude.. and still pretty damn hot at 64. And while this is a minor role, ANY time keith david shows up is cause for celebration and I honestly forgot he was in this, so it was a nice suprise. 

We then find out how the two know each other, with the conductor calling Todd “The most giving man he’s ever known.” Accurate. Todd once saved his pregnant daughter from a shipwreck carrying her on his back, delivered said baby on a piece of driftwood then circumcised said baby while hanging from a rescue copter.. and also had a spirited but respectful debate before hand about how circumcion had fallen out of vouge, with them eventually deciding on it since the lions are jewish and she’d like the option for the baby to join the relgion if he so chooses when they grow up. Which is both a great gag and a nice nod to circumcisons not being popular these days, and makes todd even awesome. I mean not every man would not only be repsectful when talking to a mother about this, but do so while hanging from a helicopter. Also props to the old timey paperback illustrations, which doubly sell the sudden debate bit. It’s something I love the show: while it’s one of the most depressing in existance, it’s also god a wonderfully goofy sense of humor that helps ballance things out.  The conductor then explains todd later filled in last year when their triangle player died after getting his foot stuck in his triangle, another good one, but worries about todd and just how MUCH the man gives and wishes sometimes to see him not there when his part comes up, to see Todd give for himself. Then of course Todd spoils the move by coming out drenched in water with greasy hands, having tried to wash taco stains off his shirt, but then got greasy hands from said taco he ewa sstill holding and being trapped in a bathroom for an hour. That’s Todd in a nutshell: He can be legendary, selfless and utterly helpful or insightful one minute, and somehow get trapped in a hallway for an entire episode the next. That.. actually happened in case you either didn’t know or entirely forgot. Cue Credits.. a FIRST for this show suprisingly. Given most shows i’ve done are 11 minutes the credits usually happen before the show and I just forget to talk about them. I”ll breifly say the credits for Bojack are exellent and I love how they evolved and changed as each season wore on, and give the team kudos for doing what most shows just simply won’t or can’t do in western animation.

We’re at the peanutbutter residence, where PB is in the middle of his political campagin, working with his controlling and assholish ex wife katrina, and Todd gives him some pocket cheese to help but get’s shoed off and works on breakfast in the background with a giant egg for some reason. Probably because all animals are sentient here. And yes they explained how they still got meat. Anyways, Diane is annoyed that Katrina wants PB to decide if he’s for or against fracking based on public approval, insstead of you know just.. being against it because it’s wrong. She’s STILL better about it than that one episode of last man of earth I watched where the straw man liberal asshole argued with the consertaive asshole lead over a pothole they had and refused to just let his son belivie god exists because it calmed him down and in the next one forcibly dressed said son up as coal to mock his future mother in law because he’s as bad as the lead character, because this show is miserable and Ryan is what the writers apparently think a liberal is.  Anyways as this goes on we see Todd.. pulling his weight. He packs diane a lunch, leaves it by her purse as she gets ready to go to work, makes said giant egg into an omlette for pb and sets up a nice breakfast complete wtih his medication hidden inside because dog. We see that despite crashing there Todd has grown from where he was and is now making sure to actively contribute to the house as thanks for letting him stay. Anyways PB needs his glasses to take them off to seem sincer because he left htem at princess carolyn’s, she also represents Peanut Butter, Todd and Diane. Todd heads off, though dosen’t sign for a package as he once ended up with cremated remains, or cremains as he calls them and I now will, over it because of course he did and heads off while a mysterious horse in a trench coat watches... more on her in a bit.

At Carolyn’s agency , PC annoynces “it’s todd” with todd giving back an excited it’s me... he should enter the room like that every time. It really fits. Anyways, it turns out PC needed him for help with actress Courtney Pourtnory, whose in femalecentric Taken spinoff ms.taken, which i’m shocked wasn’t an actual movie. There’s also a lot of tounge twisting puns which as always Amy Sedaris flawlessly delivers and that i’ll miss now the show is gone. Anyways Courtney isn’t seen as relatable so PC goes with the oldest trick in the book: have some normal guy date the celebrity to see them as relatbale and well todd’s on retainer. Todd is reluctant, less so due to his  asexuality and more because he’s not only already busy with the sunglass errand, but has a meeting tonight. intresting. But PC ensures todd it’s no trouble and they can just do lunch for the paparazzi and todd does like the idea of having his picture taken. “It’s proof I exist.” It’s the same reason I hate having mine taken. It’s proof I still exist and this hell year hasn’t ended yet. 

Back at the campagin unsuprisingly what todd didn’t sign for was important and Katrina just tells him to sign for Pb next time, which is like giving a dog a play bone that also has a dart full of poison that shoots out of it into the rest of the living room. There’s no way this ends well and you should know that. So Katrina asks him to dance a little sidestep on the issue instead. 

This movie is eh but this musical number is awesome and I will use it at any opportunity. Rest in peace Charles Durning. It helps it’s still relevant as hell for both sides of the isle. Anyways Todd signs a letter to the state goverment because again, telling todd to do something without even remotely thinking about it is like giving a baby a boomerang loaded with nitro glcyerne, but soon gets cloroformed by our mysterious viewer. “And down goes todd. “.. said by todd himself because of course he did> God bless this man and aaron paul’s performance.  “And up comes todd!” .. whose, not suprisingly, apparently been drugged and/or knocked out enough to have a catchphrase for these situations. After grabbing a pool skimmer for defense because you know a stranger just kidnapped him, the stranger calms him down and introduces himself: And this is where we properly meet Hollyhock..  Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack which I copied directly from the wiki because this review is already running long and running behind, and I don’t want to spend an hour trying to copy that from the episode itself. The nightmare of a name, which is a running gag is because she was adopted.. by 8 gay men in a polyamours relationship. And one of them is apparently related to launchpad. 

Anyways Hollyhock, who called at the end of last season to no answer, thinks Bojack might be her dad and thus bought a spy kit to figure out. And used the cholorform, if apologizing for it because once you’ve got it you can’t not use it. Todd is unsuprised by both things; As bojack hilariously but horrifyingly put it his penis was like sun dried tomatoes in the 90′s: it was on everything, and Bojack himself had that kit, mostly using it on himself because of course he did. She tracked down Todd because Todd was in Bojack’s book as his roomate. Todd explains they no longer live together and Bojack has been missing, long story there though we do know where he was due to the last episode, but since Hollyhock really dosen’t need to meet him just wants his dna to find out if he’s related or not, so Todd suggest sher house. Time for more cloroform!

At Bojack’s place Todd wonders where to find a hair, since most ladies Bojack is with understandably shower afterwords only for Holly to find one.. and a sleeping unconcious clearly spiraling once again Bojack. Todd lament siwth an oh bojack: just because he’s mostly done with the guy dosen’t mean he still dosen’t care. Todd’s still a good guy and still dosen’t want to see his former friend go through this for the 80th time... he’s just done being the one to be there for him through it and that’s understandably.  Hollyhock yanks a hair which does nothing to wake him, unsuprisingly, but the mention of “blowing this place” makes Bojack wakes up as he thinks people has blow. it’s also telling that he’s worried Todd’s going to yell at him again and that he’s clearly stills marting from his understandable telling off. Todd is force dto make up an excuse since Hollyhock VERY understandably dosen’t want to tell him the truth, and Todd lightly rebuff’s bojack’s attempts to be pals again.. given he hasn’t really changed, it’s understandable. Also Hollyhock cloroforms him to get out of BOjack asking more questions and sends todd to take the dna to a place. Todd heads to  a 1 hour dna testing lab, because of course there’s one this is LA. But without Hollyhock’s dna they can’t do it but the guy says to come back with it in an hour after he’s done with lunch.. which gets Todd to realize OH SHIT I HAVES A DATE and he runs off. The fact he DIDN’T actually say that is a suprise. 

At the date Courtney transparently breaks up with Todd for publicity as Todd is utterly confused, before getting reminded about hollyhock. This scene just kind of happened so have the first gif I find typing “David Byrne” into gif search. 

Back at Bojack’s house all Hollyhock’s done is snoop around, finding Bojack’s box of bad reviews of other people’s sitcoms because of COURSE he has that, eat a full box of donuts and take a nap.. given the simliiarity todd isn’t sure they need that test. Hollyhock naturally refuses and just wants to use todd’s hair but since the dna guy said that don’t work, they find some in her comb. Todd however has to cover for the earlier Maid excuse he gave bojack, nice bit of foreshadowing there, and cleans up the house while Hollyhock sits around. I know she’s not his daughter, still related but still and even I’m having a hard time beliving the truth.  No sooner than does Todd put out that fire, than things get worse; Naturally the signutre was for pro fracking and while Katrina is pissed, not fairly as again, it’s like she handed a baby a shot gun for tots that make sa funny noise when you pull the trigger and is suprised that he shot up the couch. Anyways PB is understandabily more worried his wife will be upset he has to support fracking now, and Todd untietionally offers to distract her from the media while Hollyhock takes a nap because she feels.. really diffrent early on. While parts of her horseman traits would remain here she’s far less friendly or helpful than she would be later on in this half of the episode. it’s not BAD as sometimes it takes an episode or two for a character to properly become what their like for the rest of the series, it’s just WEIRD. Like Red Green’s monotone in early Red Green Show episodes it just feels.. off. 

Todd rushes off to Girl Croosh, the click baity blog diane works for because I forget when things happened sometimes, where Todd is doing the most todd distraction possible: Telling diane to look at him while he dances. Which to Diane’s shock has been going on for 45 minutes. 

Diane’s boss Stefani comes in voiced by the wonderful Kimiko Glenn who I admited to loving as a voice actress, and having a crush on back in my first close enough review and still stand by. She’s wonderful. Stefani berates diane for not being clickbaity enough, other plot for this season etc etc next todd crisis.  Princess Carolyn is annoyed they didn’t get a picture of courtney with todd.. even though she left first but this eems to be the “blame todd for things that are either not his fault or you should’ve expected by talking to him for five minutes” episode. Anyways PC says to be at the shark jacob’s fashion show in 30 minutes, and Diane bemoans trying to get people to pay attention to the world sucking. Todd shows some more competence and actually gives her a good metaphor: When mr.peanutbutter dosen’t want to take his pill, as I expected, Todd disgusied it.. though in the cheese. Just do that: put some hot goss around the rest of it. Todd, to keep her away from the computer with a literal headline that reads “Mr.Peanutbutter supports fracking and hasn’t told his wife yet”, because this show is amazing, makes up a story about Channing Tatum having an illgitamte daughter and gives her the testing hairs. The theme of this scene, and the episode really is that people underestimate todd: understandably the man got lost in a bathroom at the top of this episode and refused to sign a package because of past shenangians... but because of that they fail to see that todd is .. actually really compitent, insightful and caring. IN this one scene he actually suceeds in his mission in the dumbest, toddest way possible, then on the fly kills two errands with one stone while also giving Diane genuinely good advice. But the big question the episode poses is.. what does TODD want at the end of the day and just how much of this “doing everyones shit for htem” should he take?   

As Todd passes a sheep with a wonderful “The end of the wool is coming’ sign, he sneaks into the fashion show.. we also see a background model bird smoking that I SWEAR is a protytpe for tuca, just with a diffrent bodytype and a more aloof, supermodely face. Though if this is the same universe it could just be a sister of hers. It’s not out of the realm of posiblity. And yes I will defintely be talking Tuca and Bertie at some point, especially once it comes back next year. Being todd he ends up walking the runway instead, and it goes poorly, but Todd telling them that fashion shouldn’t be elitest somehow works and he become a hit. Also Tim Gunn is there as himself, beacause this show liked to mix animal versions of celebrites iwth the real ones, and sometimes had the real ones voice the animal versions of themsselves. Todd also gets a call from Diane: it’s a match. ALso I forgot Todd’s wonderful ringtone which is him , to the opening of that one betooven song going “todd todd todd TODD!” Magical Back at the horseman residence, Bojack’s sent hollyhock to go thank channing tatum for collecting his mail and goes through all the mail that piled up while he was MIA. He’s also wallowing about his miss opprtotunites, some involving pottery barn. He’s suprised by PB’s governor run, with Todd countering that of course he knew he’s been around and when Bojack asks how Diane feels Todd shoots that down right away and insists he just ask her himself, and again counters; Does she even know he’s back? Bojack insists he’s no tready, and he’s only told Todd he’s back.. and his various drug guys, channing tatum, and hollyhock. But not his inner circle. And given he and PB tend to not mesh well, though it is getting better at this point, he ruined things with Todd, he dropped PC for entirely warranted reasons.. Diane really IS the only person he has to call and he’s likely afraid of disapointing her. He then tells Todd to friend break up with channing tatum, with todd thinking his speech was about him and being understandably disapointed. I also like Todd’s attiude here: he’s done just.. taking Bojack’s shit and isn’t going to stick around for it and only really agrees to go to channing tatums because Hollyhock’s over there and he needs to tell her. 

Todd goes over and lies to hollyhock after warning her BOjack might not be readyf or a daughter and Hollyhock expresses her own doubts. Then diane shows up and Todd’s force dto play being channing tatum so they both don’t get arrested for trespassing. Diane confronts channig with her thoughts he’s the father, which hollyhock instnatly realizes exactly what that means, but relents on doing so, not wanting to be that kind of journalest and ruin someone’s life for her own benefit. Todd gives her a pep talk and she accepts it’s him because it’s what she thinks channig tatum would say and leaves with a cheery “love half your movies. Hollyhock meanwhile has fled, obviously upset and before Todd can deal with THAT, he gets another call, clearly tired at this point as am I as i’m not only not used to reviewing 22 minute shows anymore, let alone 30 minute ones, but I have a ticking clock due to my own procastination. She once again gets mad at him, this time a bit more understandably, and Todd darts off to meet courtney. 

The two talk, and Courntey is dressed like todd only her hat is 50 dollars.. and that’s a hella don’t... I miss Macklemoore. Anyway, Courtney opens up about being seen by everyone but not being seen at the same time.. which todd relates to even if courtney can’t fathom someone having the same feelings, but admits it’s nice to talk about it while Todd laments about his meeting, worrying h’es not ready yet. That what if it goes badly? What if the idea of something is better than the truth. I realate both due to my anxiety proving that and because as a comics nerd and general nerd, that’s happened more times than I can count, both with legendary stories that turned out to not be very good or something I really looked forward to turning out to be a mess, like It Chapter 2, or Zoolander 2, or Secret Empire or.. point is Courtney does relate to that and prefers fiction and the paparazzi, the same ones who tailed bojack for multiple episodes in season 1, eat it up with Courtney announcing their engagment iwth todd responding with “Horay i’m confused!”... that’s me all day everyday buddy. 

Todd goes back to Bojack’s to find Hollyhock, and being a good friend even to someone who certainly dosen’t deserve it at this point, tells Bojack the truth.. which he reflexvley denies before Todd admits she didn’t want to tell him and Bojack. understands and once again piles pity on himself. 

We then get the scene that got me to review this in the first place.. thanks asshole! All jokes aside, the two have an honest conversation: Bojack, while not outright saying sorry admits all he does is hurt people and he slept with the one person he ever saw todd be in love with... given it’s hard for him to give out a genuine apology, it’s still a good moment as it shows Bojack, even if he screws up constantly, is really apologetic about destroying their freindship. That part also shows WHY it was wrong: Sure todd couldn’t and wouldn’t sleep with her.. but it dosen’t change the fact Bojack SHOULDN’T have , knew what he was doing, did it anyway and then never told him. 

He continues with it though after todd wonders if he’s evne allowed to love. , saying he got more of Todd than he deserved, and all the guy asked for was a roof over his head and the ocasional smore in a baquet, and tells todd he didn’t deserve him and he really appricated him. This.. actually gets Todd to open up and he comes out as Asexual to bojack which after making it clear it means he’s not a sexual deviant, dynamo or what have you, a great wordplay gag, that he’s just not sexual.. Bojack.. shockingly and to Todd’s suprise dosen’t think it’s weird like he expected, but is thrilled and honeslty wishes sometimes he was asexual and we get what I consider to be the best joke of the seris.  Bojack; Maybe then I wouldn’t have A strain of herpes Todd; You have multiple strains Bojack: I know, it only works with the A.  Todd feels.. good.. while i’m not Ace myself I am bisexual and both times i’ve come out, first to my mom and a few friends, then to the rest of the world this month on facebook, it felt.. freeing. To not have to worry or hide no more.. to just be who you are.. and it feels.. good to Todd. While Bojack tries to slide back into friendship since todd isn’t mad about Emily anymore, Todd gently stops him: It wasn’t just here, as I made clear earlier, he’s not ready to be his friend again.. but hes ready to be more than NOT friends. While their freindship won’t be the same anymore, as Todd makes painfully clear.. Todd gives him a genuine i’t’s good to see you as he leaves. Again he may not LIKE the guy anymore and understandably dosen’t want to be the only person he can count on in bojack’s life... he still wants the guy to be okay, which the fans could probably relate to the whole damn series; Being fed up with his bullshit and TERRIBLE TERRIBLE actions, but wanting him to be better already. The door rings.. and it’s HOllyhock. We MIGHT get to that another time, but for now we close out Pride, and todd’s tale as todd goes to his meeting... which as it turns out...

While there is still more miles on Todd’s journey, ending his sham engagement set up here, a failed relationship and a sucessful relationship at the end of the series, not to mention reconcliation with his family... Todd takes an important step and takes what he wants, finding his people and being proud of who he is.. and that’s sometimes the best and hardest step. And we get a nice button on the framing device as Todd misses his solo for the first time, to the conductors delight. The End. 

Final Thoughts: This was a really good rewatch.  While not AS heavy as some other bojack episodes, it still has plenty of good character work, moving along or setting up several plots for the season without any of it feeling forced whlie giving Todd added depth in his coming out story. Todd still dosen’t fully understand what his asexuaity is and is scared to be open with it.. but that beautiful scene above is what makes the episode work as is the ending right after: By finally telling someone he knows, and by being accepted by the last person he’d expect to not only understand what Todd is but embrace it.. he can finally find others like him to help him through it and finally find something for himself after giving so much to everyone else while asking nothing in return.  That’s also a nice bit of deconsturction here... while Todd’s happy to help we do ssee bouncing from storyline to storyline actually wears on him and that sometimes it’s tiring being the guy everyone assumes has nothing but time for htem. It’s a nice development and Aaron Paul does it beauitfully and I do stand by HIS casting, as unlike with Allison brie where they knew diane would be an vitamese woman and cast a white woman anyway, though to Ralph-Paul’s credit, he’s throughly apologized for this and Allison Brie herself recently also apologized for it personally in the wake of the recent black lives matter lead call to not have white actors voice People of Color anymore. Also props to Jenny SLate for, if a bit late , still leaving big mouth for the last two seasons and apologizing herself among with any other actor or actress whose dropped a role as a POC when their white. It’s a good trend. But here.. I get why they didn’t try and get rid of Aaron Paul. It was probably hard enough to get executives to give a shit about Ace representaation enough to let htem do it, adding “firing a big name draw to replace him wiht a likely no name” was probably a bridge too far and sadly, sometimes you have to pick your battles, and they picked getting to have an ace character at all and to Aaron Paul’s credit he’s been an Ace ally ever since. HOpefully in the future we will get more ace chracters and more ace actors and actresses playing the part, but every journey begins with a sigle step and this storyline was a huge one.  But overall the episode is truly fantastic, a highight in a series full of amazing episodes and it was a good note to go out on for this month. I won’t stop doing LBGTQA reviews obviously, and I should’ve added the a way sooner, but it’s been fun doing them and i’ve been proud too. Some have been better than others but the better one shave been some of my best work. So as we live in uncertain and stupid times, stay safe , black live matter and your all beautiful. I have other stuff in the works; a full steven unvierse arc, regular coverage and of course that “sorry I was a moron” static cling review, but until then, I love you all and i’d like, if I may, to close on a song... not by me obviously my singing voice is “sorta adaquate I guess’ at best. 

[the-based-brit]

I don't believe that you had the life of reilly. Tell us about your abuse, your feelings are valid

*WARNING! LONG AND VERY DEPRESSING POST INCOMING!*

My biological mother smoked and drank while she was pregnant with me, and I was born with two very severe and debilitating disabilities because of her - Dyspraxia and physical difficulties. The former significantly affects my ability to communicate, makes my brain to slow to process information, and it’s a lot like autism in that it makes me struggle to understand certain social cues and hold a conversation with other people etc.. My short-term memory is...well, very short. I forget things. I can remember stuff that happened years ago, but sometimes I forget whatever it was I did five minutes ago. My brain is broken.

The latter affects my motor skills. My hands are not very strong, and I don’t have a very good grip. Sometimes, I struggle to do things that require a strong pair of hands, such as opening a jar, and I have to get my dad and my stepmother to do it for me. I also can’t bend my right thumb properly, and my handwriting is very childlike and scruffy because I have difficulty holding a pen or pencil properly and it takes a while for me to write things down by hand. I’m much better with a laptop or smart device than a pen and paper. And I’m a writer. Or at least I hope to be some day. My right foot also flicks out and my left foot is actually stronger even though I’m right-handed.

My biological mother never bothered to quit drinking or smoking while she was pregnant with me because she was a selfish bitch with a heart made of stone. Instead of nurturing me and raising me right like she was supposed to, she emotionally abused and neglected me for many years. My dad divorced her when I was three years old because she was horrible to him, and more importantly, to me. He left her for my stepmother and never looked back.

When I got a few years older, she told me he cheated on her with my stepmother, but that was a big fat LIE. Nothing could be further from the truth. My dad was never a cheater and never even thought about having an affair. My so-called “mother” was just butthurt because he left her and thus, could no longer control him.

But she still had me, her boy, who was only three years old and, being so young and impressionable, I was easy to manipulate. So she used me to get back at them. The so-called “affair” was not the only lie she told me. She raised me to believe that my dad and stepmother were the ones who were abusing me and they were trying to take me away from her. I suppose that wasn’t a complete lie because my dad and stepmother did fight for custody over me, but that was only because they wanted to save me from my abuser.

But I was just a kid. I was young and dumb and naive and because she was my mother, I believed her. And every Monday afternoon (I lived with my dad and stepmother during the week and my biological mother had me every weekend), I came home from school, with an attitude problem because she told me horrible things about them. And I accused them of those horrible things and needless to say, they got SUPER angry with me and they would defend themselves, and afterwards, I’d feel bad for what I said, I would cry and I would apologise to them profusely.

And I would be left feeling confused, upset, angry and very stressed out. Until the end of the week, I would come home to her and I would tell her what they told me and she would lie to me again. And again. And again. I felt like I was in the middle of a battlefield. In fact, that pretty much sums up my life at home when I was a kid. Now it’s a lot more peaceful, but the damages that were done to me still never fully healed even to this day.

This happened every single fucking week because of her, and it took a massive toll on me. I was very stressed out, exhausted, frightened, traumatised, confused, anxious and depressed and it literally made me feel physically ill, as well as mentally. I could barely eat or sleep. I would often run to the toilet and throw up in it after eating even just a little bit of food because I was so stressed and anxious, I could not hold it down. And because of that I’m very skinny and underweight and even now, I still have problems eating, though I’ve gotten a bit better at it since then. I also suffered terribly from insomnia and that made sleeping just as difficult.

And this made it hard for me to do well in school. Because of all the shit that was going on at home, and because of my disabilities, I struggled to keep up with the other students. I could barely concentrate, I almost always needed help and I could barely get any work done. My grades are mediocre, at best and nobody could understand why and no one cared to. My parents and teachers just nagged me to work harder, and my special helpers in school insisted on doing more or less all my work for me.

Homework was a bitch, too. It took me, like, three hours at the LEAST to get it done because of my problems. To be fair, I was a pretty lazy kid who deliberately put it off because I didn’t wanna do it and I was young and stupid enough to think it would eventually make me not have to. I HATED my maths homework the most. In fact, maths was basically my WORST subject and I preferred English and IT and History, which I was better at. Science and Religious Education were also pretty cool imo. But I digress.

My learning disorder wasn’t the only thing that broke my brain. My biological mother emotionally manipulated me for years, and that broke me even more. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I was a mess. So many attacks on my mind. My body was left in pretty bad shape, too.

And I think the worst part about all of it was that there was basically jack shit I could do about it. I couldn’t defend myself physically because I was too young, too small and too weak. I couldn’t defend myself verbally because I was far too tired, too over-emotional, too terrible at verbal communication and couldn’t articulate myself well enough. And I was too emotionally abused and bullied, both at home AND at school to even TALK about it. That’s the thing about abusers, they don’t want their victims talking to anyone about their abuse.

And on the rare occassions I did talk about it, no one gave two shits and a fuck. Most people didn’t know about it. Some did, but most of them didn’t give a damn, at least not enough to do anything about it, like get me some help or get me away from my abuser. Because I grew up in a shithole of a town, where there are some good people but there’s a lot more BAD people.

Plus, my abuser was a woman and I’m male. And no one gives two shits about male abuse survivors like myself. I was often told to “man up”, “grow up” and “stop being a pussy” just for trying to open up about my feelings instead of bottling them up inside.

She was a feminist, too, my abuser. I had a biological half-sister who was nine years younger than me and she was treated like a princess while I was treated like dogshit. She never admitted to being one of those crazy man-hating feminist types, not in front of me, but looking back, I realised her actions spoke louder than her words. She was in part the reason I stopped calling myself a feminist years ago.

My dad and stepmother were fairly well-off. Not rich, but not broke, either. Definitely not. I come from a family of teachers. My dad was a teacher, my stepmother is, or was a teacher, and so is my older brother. I could have been a teacher myself if I wasn’t born disabled and abused and neglected for so many years. My dad works in a school full of kids with learning difficulties similar to mine, and he gets paid a lot of money to teach them. And they’re very materialistic and money-oriented people who vote for the UK Labour Party every year, but only because they tax you less. And they think they’re such good parents because they have money and they can buy me nice things, but in my experience, you need more than just money to be a good parent. You have to support your children physically, emotionally and mentally as well.

As George Carlin once said: 

It’s good that they had more than enough money to put food on the table, clothes on my back, a roof over my head...plus entertainment and any luxury item I wanted, but if they had just provided me with equal amounts of love and emotional support, if not more than equal, I would have been mostly ok. But I’m not. I’m broken. I’m aloof. I’m mentally scarred. I’m traumatised. I’m anxious and depressed. I’m very mentally ill, tired and damaged beyond repair.

Because truth be told, they weren’t much better than my so-called mother. Especially my stepmother. I guess she was not as manipulative, but she was very emotionally and verbally abusive. She would often yell at me over little things, and bully me constantly. Just like my abuser, and the other kids at school who harassed me every. single. schoolday. She was horrible to me. Far as I’m concerned, they are both as bad as each other. She’s calmed down quite a bit and she’s not so abrasive anymore, but she still has her moments, and the damage she’s done to me, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, had a permanent effect.

I never had a REAL mother. The kind who nurtures her children and loves them unconditionally. My family hates my guts because they think I’m a spoiled, entitled little brat and a very spiteful, vindictive, hateful little shit (I was a very angry kid. And for good reason) who always cries and complains when he doesn’t get his own way. I never had any real friends, either. I hardly ever speak to anyone in real life because I’ve tried so many times and it seldom ended well. That, and I’m crippled by a horrible social anxiety, which is not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still there.

I’ve never had a girlfriend, either. Or a boyfriend. I’m a virgin, and a loner. Fuck my life.

[aquaburst3]

Well, I bought another book after work in two months. This time it was The Cruel Prince by Holly Black. Reason why I did was because I saw some posts saying that Jude was a badass and painted the novel as if it was some Game of Thrones revenge fantasy with fae. Was it worth it? Honestly, no. 

Like my other review, gonna divide this up into the good and the bad. 

Bad

-The pacing in this novel felt extremely off. In my anime fandoms, I joke around with my friends that some animes have what I like to call “Second Half Syndrome”. This is where the first 12 episodes of 24 series are amazing, but it loses some of that luster in the second half. This novel, strangely enough, has that in reverse. The first half is extremely dull. Nothing happens outside of high school mean girl antics and petty fae drama. Around half way through the book things picked up a lot more and I was pretty into it. 

--While Jude was a decent enough as a lead, and I liked her in the second half a lot since she reminded me of a Game of Thrones character there, her character felt inconsistent and poorly constructed to me.   

The development she undergoes here is odd. In the first half, she was an average, timid girl.  Out of nowhere, she became a badass spy, who wasn’t afraid to murder and kidnap people. That was jarring to me. To use Game of Thrones comparisons, it’s like if Arya went from being a timid girl like she was like before Ned Stark died to being a badass assassin spy who baked her enemies into a pie like how she was in the later seasons in the matter of a quarter of an episode.  People don’t change that directly in that short of a time span unless something super traumatic happens to them, so seeing that happen in that little time made no sense. (I feel like I needed to either seen this transformation happen over the course of the whole series instead of one book or just had her start off as this fae spy girl from the very start and scrapped the first half completely.)   

Some of choices she made were rather odd and came out of nowhere. At one point, Jude randomly decides to save a human girl, despite being indifferent to humans in the fae realm beforehand. This sort of thing often happens throughout the book. 

--  This plays into the previous point, but I found Jude’s backstory just bizarre. Her parents were murdered by a fae noble, and she and her sisters were taken in by him. Initially, I thought the novel would be a Game of Thrones/Kill Bill style revenge story where Jude and her sisters would kill off those who wronged them and rip the fae realm apart for what they did to her parents and how they treat humanity. But, nope. Instead of any of that, she figures that she must try to love the man that murdered her mother. Despite being treated like dogshit, she loves the fae realm and wants to become a fae herself. She excuses it by saying that she was small child at the time and is just more used to that world, but according to the wiki page, she would’ve been seven or eight when that happened. Jude should’ve had some pretty vivid memories of the mortal world and PTSD of what happened that night. So why is she so indifferent to any of this?  How does that make any sense?! (Honestly, I think this whole backstory should’ve been scrapped and she was just a changeling or something. Again, that’s just me.) 

--  Cardan’s reasoning for how he treated Jude felt pretty weak. He says that the reason why he bullied her was because he had a crush on her. (Abridging that, obviously, but still...)   But that sounds like something that a small child would say about their first crush instead of someone in their late teens.   

--Parts of the world building were rather confusing to me. For instance, Jude and her sisters go to the mortal world a few times like it was in another place. Another time she talked about the fae realm as if it was alongside the mortal realm like in Harry Potter.  So I was like, “Okay, is this in another dimension? Our world behind a vale? Or what?” The novel never really explained any of that, or at least in a way that was very clear. 

Good 

-- Finally, some fae that stay true to folklore! But seriously, if you know me well, you know that I love mythology and fae folklore. I found that type of stuff fascinating since I was a kid. A lot of time, at least in the fiction I’ve read, they either come across as sexy humans with a layer of body glitter and a pair of butterfly wings that you would find in a Halloween store (looking at you ACOTAR) or innocent Tinkerbell sort. Both of these are far from the truth. Fae can come in all shapes and sizes. While there are some helpful and kind fae, some of them can be dark, ruthless and outright terrifying. There were even some more obscure ones like the Red Caps and Selkies that made an appearance, which was a welcome addition in my book.  

--The second half was an entertaining read. It felt more like I was reading a manuscript to a Game of Thrones episodes before that series dipped in the second half. I liked the betrayals and politics in The High Court. All the bloodshed, arguments, and the fight for the crown was pretty cool. 

--I enjoyed her depiction of the fae and their world - wicked, magical, and dangerous. 

--Her twin Taryn was great in a love to hate her sort of way. 

-- Liked Cardan. He reminded me of Gen from Dr Stone in terms of personality for some reason. I felt sorry for him due his past. 

--The complicated family dynamic that Jude has with her family was interesting, even if parts of it made no sense. 

--Vivi was a cool character. She was the most grounded and believable character in this book. Instead of being completely indifferent to what happened, she wants to get out of the fae realm and feels bad for what has happened. (To be honest, I wish that she was the protagonist instead of Jude.)   She’s also bisexual, and has a girlfriend, which is awesome. 

Over all

I was rather disappointed with this. The second half was great, but the first half, the bad pacing and poor writing decisions brought this down for me. I’ll probably read Wicked King and Queen of Nothing if I check them out from the library if I’m bored or something. Too much missed potential. 

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Gormless Ch. 8 - I’d rather these ball sacks havers had haverballsacks.

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it.  Her husband is in charge of the Supernatrual Police (BUR) so he’s going to Scotland about it.

Alexia is also going north to help her husband with a crew crafted for a comedy. and oh boy I can’ts wait.

Chapter 8 – I’d rather these ball sacks havers had haverballsacks.

             The next day they touch-down on Scottish soil and immediately Maccon is there.  He was on his way, smelled her…what near 2,000 feet in the sky and just followed the dirigible until it landed. Yeah okay sure suspension of disbelief or whatever. You know what I’m not going to suspend my disbelief for? The fact that apparently all werewolves, including Maccon travel in wolf form and only bring a basic cloak to hide their nudity with when they transform.  Apparently all places just have outfits, for every conceivable body type and size, set aside in case they have werewolf visitors.  I guess they’ll all just have to never bring any food, weapons, paperwork, books, toothbrushes, gifts, or literally anything else when they travel. That seems highly practical. 

He could just hold a bag in their mouth or give him a doggy back-pack.  Hell, since this is a fantasy, I might suspend my disbelief if you told me that these ball sack havers had haverballsacks which were just infinity scrotums that they can literally pull whatever they felt like out.  I KNOW THIS IS A DUMB STICKING POINT BUT SHE PURPOSEFULLY MADE IT SUPER UNPRACTICAL AND FOR NO FUCKING REASON RRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!

So back to reality, Ivy officially rejects Tunstell.  Tunstell then starts flirting back with Felicity and being mean to Ivy.  Okay sure. LeFoux convinces the crew she should go with because the pack they’re going to see (Kingair) has a broken aethographor she says she’ll fix.   By broken aethographor she means women, and by fix she means fuck.

I don’t believe I said it in full yet, but the spanker ship I mentioned earlier was housing the Kingair clan of werewolves.  The humanization seems to follow these werewolves who can’t change shape, and it seems to have started when there Alpha mysteriously died. Maccon used to be Alpha of this pack but mysteriously moved over to his current pack by killing the leader there. So off to the center of the mystery everyone!

When they get to the big old dingy castle, there is a huge middle aged tough-ass Scottish woman telling them to piss off.  Maccon says he’s there for BUR (the supernatural police) and not cause he used to be the Alpha there.  She seems cool with this, despite having obvious animosity to him personally.  Her name is Sidheag.  Alexia instantly endears herself to everyone by remarking very loudly that the castle is filthy.  When Sidheag threatens to throw her in the rain again, Alexia says if Sidheag would mind if she would do some dusting.  This ~endears~ her to Sidheag.  I suppose anybody else would think she’s a rude spoiled little shit but its protags the best day here in shitty self-insert novel #84zillion.

Half the people in the clan seem to hate Maccon, while the other half like him. Also a weird moment where Maccon introduces his whole merry band but totally leaves out Angelique…and I’m pretty sure the only reason is that the author forgot.  She’s the slave of the group anyway HAHA!

We also learn that Sidheag is apparently Maccon’s great-great-great granddaughter.  Alexia is not happy that Maccon was previously married before he was a werewolf and had living descendants that she doesn’t know about.  4 things about this:

1.)    I couldn’t be less surprised. Maccon literally says nothing to Alexia besides, “You’re unbearable, let’s have sex woman.”   We’ve all known he’s a fucking sack of dogshit.

2.)    None of these relations attended Maccon’s wedding? Do they ALL hate him? That bodes well, and also isn’t surprising because I believe we have established he is a pile of puppy poop.

3.)    I can forgive it, but it’s irritating to me that Alexia had never got sexual tingles, or kissed another boy before they got married. However Maccon? 100s of lovers and his spawn litter the Scottish country-side. I don’t think it was the author’s intent to wave that huge double standard around but it just bugs me.

4.)    The reveal about how Sidheag is related to Maccon would have been a MUCH BETTER CLIFF-HANGER AND ENCOUNTER!

Imagine, if you will, the crew goes to the castle looking for Maccon, they run into a hostile Sidheag, Alexia introduces herself as Lady Maccon and it instantly sets off Sidheag.  Perhaps calling Alexia a trollop, and says that Maccon is HER last name as well.

DUN DUN DUN! GOOD CLIFFHANGER!

We open up the next chapter with an Alexia/Sidhaeg scuffle, Alexia perhaps assuming that Sidheag is Maccon’s ex-wife or maybe even a current wife. That TRASHMAN!  AREN’T THESE BOOKS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN? MORE ACTION PLZ!  However before anybody is seriously injured Maccon intervenes after he heard a gun go off and settles the dispute with the truth.

So back to this sad reality. Maccon goes to talk with the Beta of the pack and the rest of the crew settle into their rooms.  Alexia overhears Felicity asking Tunstell if she’s ~safe~ since they have rooms next to each other.

*YUCK BARF*

Tunstell does probably what I would have done, GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE!

Alexia has the brilliant idea of hiding her bag (which was attempted to be broken in before) in Ivy’s room.  She convinces Ivy this is a good course of action by saying that she’s hiding a gift she got for Maccon in the bag. Socks, like really good socks that she needs to check on every now and again.  That’s dumb but fine.  

Alexia goes back to her room to get dressed for dinner. (God that sounds so annoying, why do people like this time period again?)  Maccon shows up and fails to seduce her.  They then have one of their OH SO DELIGHTFUL back and forths. Where basically Alexia tries to ask Maccon about why he leaves without telling her anything? (but tells Lyall) What is going on with the Kingair clan? What’s his history with the Kingair clan? Why he didn’t tell her he used to be married? Why he didn’t think it appropriate to tell her he has great-great-great grandchildren running around? And if he has other great-great-great grandchildren running around?

These are all great questions, and I wish the writer wasn’t such a hack that answering any of them would spoil this or future books.  So the most we get out of Maccon is, “I didn’t tell you because you didn’t ask and you were supposed to have children before you turned into a werewolf.  Also the person who is Beta wolf now, wasn’t Beta under me.”

HAHA GREAT!  Meanwhile Alexia off-handidly mentions she took a tumble (in a really forced way) so Maccon can get mad in turn for her not sharing everything with him.  Alexia does this really annoying thing of pretending to be demure and sweet in order to avoid telling him. Which like,

1.)    Ew

2.)    Maccon is clearly not into the wilting flower business I have no idea why you think acting all coy is going to make him forgive you or whatever.

3.)    Why are you hiding this from him anyway?  She puts herself in danger all the time and Maccon acts like it’s, at best an annoyance. He is shown to have gotten way more upset when she does stuff like ‘Not sit with him at dinner’ and ‘Want to know anything about him.’

But in the end Alexia tells him that she fell off the dirigible but is fine. You know the reason why Alexia tries to hide the ~tumble~ from him by acting like a ninny? It’s to make their two situations seem equivalent when they’re super not.

On one hand we have a woman who didn’t immediately tell her husband about a dangerous situation she was in, even though it only happened the day before, and she wasn’t injured.  She, when pressed, tells him about it.

On the other hand Maccon leaves her totally in the dark about a lot of relevant information about his past, present, and the current situation they’re in. Also Maccon doesn’t properly answer any of her questions. He just dodges it and shirks responsibility the entire time. Yet we’re made to believe that they are equals in the relationship with matching baggage. BULLSHIT! Like in all these dumb fuck titles, the man has vastly more power and we feign female empowerment because the woman pouts at this injustice even if nothing fucking changes. This is summed up best with the last lines of this chapter.

“Are you going to tell me the real reason you came back to Scotland Do not think you have thrown me off the scent so easily.”

“I never doubted you, my sweet demure little Alexia.”

Lady Maccon gave him her best, most fierce, battle-ax expression, and they went down to dinner.

THAT’S HOW THE CHAPTER ENDS!  He just doesn’t answer and the author just moves the plot forward on clumsy legs regardless.

Say something nice Faps:

Sidheag is cool. I hope she’s not ruined.

Castles are cool.

The sock back and forth between Alexia and Ivy was actually kinda cute and funny. Even if it was dumb as hell.

[thedarkcaustic]

When We Were Young

I guess I want to talk about it. 

I’m home alone. Sober and sad and sort of desperate for a hug. 

I spent the weekend in Vegas with my best friend from childhood. We got tickets to When We Were Young and were lucky enough that ours were for the Sunday show and not the cancelled Saturday show. 

I just have so many fucking feelings, I don’t even know where to begin. Lots of good feelings - it was amazing. It was amazing to be there, to see so many people excited to show that the music and the fashion and the feeling lived long beyond seventeen. In my experience, everyone was polite, even in the sun, in the lines, like we were all somehow strangers and friends. We were all revisiting the ghost of our youth. 

It’s the closest thing to a religious experience I’ve had in a long time. And when I was a goth little teen, I was also a very devout Christian and somehow the music and the scene played into my faith. That’s something I don’t much feel like explaining these days. I never felt like my love of all things emo, my suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviors made me a bad Christian. 

I’m an atheist now. Which is neither here nor there. 

It honestly felt like a pilgrimage. It’s sacrilegious. My flights to Vegas were full of the muttering of multiple people on the same journey as me - all of us going to that patch of asphalt in the desert. Standing out in the sun waiting to get into the venue, I was struck with a nostalgia that threatened to close my throat. We are all who we always were - teenagers that want to scream along to our favorite songs. 

When I was younger, I didn’t think there was a point in going to a show unless you were going to be right up against the stage. At seventeen, I stood in line for eight hour or so to be as close to My Chemical Romance as possible. I was functionally only a few feet away from the stage. I got heatstroke for my efforts and was violently ill the rest of the night.

Having no desire to to get crushed, we stood in the back of this show. It was still incredible when they took the stage. 

We all certainly felt our age - people trickling off before the last bands were done. I woke up the next morning and felt like absolute dogshit - standing in the sun for some thirteen or so hours really took a toll on my body. We aren’t young anymore. But I still can’t believe I’m an adult. 

Throughout the event, I saw shirts and pins and signs that said things to the effect of, “It wasn’t a phase.” There is something so rightfully sweet about acknowledging that it isn’t a phase - that we may have all gotten our degrees and our office jobs and wear mild, professional clothing on the day to day. But given half a chance, we are busting out all the black again. We are still ourselves, underneath our grown up cosplay. 

For me, that’s the heart of it - I am, somehow, the most distilled version of my teenage self. I just now have an income, and coping skills, a fully formed frontal lobe. But who I was - lonely, angry at injustice, ready for life to start, queer, wanting to make a positive change in the world - all of that is still here. Still me. 

It’s been hard to listen to MCR, Taking Back Sunday, the Used, We the Kings, and the Starting Line for many years. Sometimes it brings me back to that powerless place of teenagehood. Sometimes it brings me back to the powerful friendships I had. To the long drives on the desert highways. To my desire to grow into a world-changing adult. To my angry, uncontrollable desire for love. To the sense of helplessness I felt over my life. And those parts are hard to touch. Those parts of my teenage self are hard to engage with. Because my life didn’t unfold the way I thought it would when I was young.

This is all to say - I don’t listen to these bands on the regular like I did as a teen. They don’t live in my car’s radio like they did my senior year of high school. But the chance to see them in person, to go back, to be this version of myself meeting the teenage version of myself - that was an experience I couldn’t pass up. 

I’m still struggling to put it into words - the sorrow and the joy. The grief and the nostalgia. The contentment and the overstimulation. The past and the present. 

[saltineofswing]

Celair

I got a couple for Celair, which is really nice!

Full Name: Celair Eshgalweth, The Smile ThatHides The Wrathful Wail, Silverqueen, Scimitar Dancer, Divine Patron of Elves

Gender andSexuality:Female, Bisexual

Pronouns: She/Her

Ethnicity/Species: Hmm… well it may surprise youto learn that Celair, despite being the Patron Deity of Elves, is not herselfan Elf. Celair was tasked with the job of ‘Patron of Elves’ by thecreator deity of her home plane; she was actually a fairly terrifying-lookingFae being, a giant insectoid thing visually similar in some ways to a prayingmantis. Her job, and the amount of time she has spent doing it, has changed hertrue form considerably but it’s still pretty terrifying to look at in that‘beautiful and horrible’ kind of way that Elves do. This, incidentally, is whyCelair has insectoid features; I haven’t drawn them but Celair does have wingsthat she can ‘stow’ in her spine, and those ‘horns’ on her head are actuallyantennae. She effectively ‘folds’ herself into the relatively benign-lookingmeatsuit that everybody knows and loves as Celair, which she puppets with heressence like a doll. This is why she is so absurdly strong and fast despite thefact that she has the physical appearance of a late-teens-early-twenties youngadult. The closest anybody could get to seeing her original true form is theWrathful Wail, Celair’s divine Enraged Mode, when she transforms into a massivebluish-hued silver-streaked monstrosity with gangly multi-jointed limbs, anabdomen and thorax, and mantid raptorial arms created by the way her hands fuseto her meteorite-steel scimitars.

Rusty, whileusing a device that allowed them to peer into the Veil and therefore gave themthe ability to view the ‘true forms’ of anyone they came across, spied onCelair as she truly appears; the image they saw was a tangled swath ofinsectoid limbs and dragonfly wings, a series of silver lines floating in anarc around a svelte torso composed of paneled wood, her head adorned with abeautiful silver mask in place of a face. So, take that as you will.

Birthplaceand Birthdate:The ‘Ethereal Plane’ (The Unknown) of an extrauniversal planar system calledKith, Dawn of Time.

GuiltyPleasures: …Killing stuff, honestly. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, Celair was effectivelyforced into the position of ‘Planar Greeter/Butler’ by the other divines in thepantheon, and served in that position for thousands and thousands of years.Because Kith is an extrauniversal planar system, it’s effectively ‘in’ theUnknown and therefore basically open for any schmuck who has figured outinterplanar travel to shlep their family into; Kith leaned into this, andbecame a ‘tourist destination’ of sorts for nearby dimensions. So for Celair, acreature with a horrifically short fuse, her guilty pleasures while on the jobwere the minuscule opportunities for her to really cut loose. And since shejoined the Hunt, she’s been able to indulge her guilty pleasure quitefrequently.

Other thanthat, though, she is way more fond of mortal fashion than she lets on. And she reallyenjoys alcohol. You think you can drink? Celair and her elves preferredto drink pure wood-grain alcohol. Celair could drink paint thinner andcomplain about the taste with no other ill effects. Her favorite drink isEshgalán Absinthe, which is elven wood-grain alcohol made from wormwood. IRLabsinthe doesn’t make you hallucinate but Esh-brewed Absinthe DEFINITELY doesif you’re not Esh. There was a funny scene we did early in the campaign, beforethe Hunt proper started, that involved Celair at Gol Gringorn’s bar with a hugehandle of 192-proof alcohol vodka in her hand, just swigging it like Tennesseesweet tea, and asking if Geeg had ‘anything harder’.

Phobias: This is not a gal easily shaken. If you were amillennia-old Fae-natured goddess who swings your twin meteorite-steelscimitars so hard and fast that they hum, would you be scared of much?She has a couple of deep existential fears, but predominately she is terrifiedof losing Ophelnwol and Mizzimet, the two Eshgal clerics that she brought withher when she joined the Hunt… and the last two living members of the Elvenrace on Kith. They are the only things keeping her from failing in her DivineTask, and they were her most faithful servants so she does truly love them. Oneof her worst fears has already been realized during her time on the Hunt,actually; on Greenbrier, she had a hand in the instantaneous extinction of theLapinine, Rumenthlay Redbud’s species, when Ethem-Cailo landed the killing blowon their creator goddess Halarenu. Being involved in a genocide on that level,accidental or not, really fucked her up and was the first event that put her onthe path to defecting.

Additionally,she has a… complicated relationship with Ethem-Cailo that I will go over inmore detail later. Suffice to say, her fear of him doesn’t manifest the sameway people typically manifest fear, but deep in her heart she is truly scaredof him.

What TheyWould Be Famous For:Celair was the patron deity of the Kith-Esh, the elven races of her home plane– she was the sole deity assigned to the three elven lineages: the Wood, High,and Dark Eshgal. And boy howdy, did they all love the shit out of their patrongoddess. Her surname translates to ‘Beloved of the Elves’, and every single elfin Kith had a shrine to Celair. Her usual appearance belies the Wel-Esh, theWood Elves, but she was capable of appearing as Stal-Esh (High Elf) orCimer-Esh (Dark Elf) – the three different lineages of elves got on like catsin a bag but they all had one thing in common, and that’s how much they lovedtheir mom Celair.

When Celairjoined the hunt, she got very famous for being very savage in her fights. Someof the most popular and well-rated fights of the last 2,500-hunt block havebeen Celair’s fights and she’s only been with the Hunt for 247 hunts. Herextreme temper, merciless combat pragmatism, and raw brutality won her quite afew fans amongst the members of the Wild Hunt and the viewing public back homeon Threnghelleon.

What TheyWould Get Arrested For: Any of the ones about hitting.

OC You ShipThem With:Because of the afore-and-hereafter-mentioned issues Celair has withEthem-Cailo, we decided very early on that we were going to Definitely For Sureavoid pairing her with Wybjorn. And then, god damn it, they had reallyspectacular chemistry. Weirdly, they bonded over Ethem-Cailo’s tendency to sendhis ‘Effigy’ (Wybjorn before he was rescued) to serenade Celair or give her hisshitty poems when he couldn’t be effed to do it himself, and their earliestpersonal interactions were commiserating about what a dogshit guy EC was. Soright now that’s kind of the leading ship; aside from him, I think Celair wouldbe good with Amaryllis (who already has a girlfriend tho and also is currentlydead), and probably Wynrael of Wild Magic (Whitty’s mom). Sadly, I don’t thinkshe has even the faintest trickle of interest in August; just because he’s notone of ‘her’ elves doesn’t mean he’s not one of her elves, if that makes sense,and she just sees him as one of her children so to speak. I bet she findsHoratio very strikingly handsome, but I don’t think they’d have very goodchemistry.

The bigproblem with shipping her with other people is that Celair looks really young.This is a problem I was cognizant of when I made her, and something I knew Iwas going to have to finagle; Eshgal are just a very young-looking race,because that’s the way ‘long lived’ works for them – they look like they’re18-24 until they’re 500, and then they are suddenly weird toad-people like someshit outta Rankin & Bass. There is a race of ‘half-elves’ on Kith that havea stable breeding population, so two half-elves will pop out a half-elf, butinter-species romances rarely happen between the Esh and the other races ofKith, and contributed to the infantilized/servile role into which Celair andher elves were forced by the other divines and races of the plane. Celair canmake herself look a little older, but the magic that binds her to her patrondomain is engineered such that she will always look like a youthful elf, and soshe is kind of stuck looking like a trendy college sophomore forever.

And… well, that’swhy Ethem-Cailo was attracted to her. He is also stuck looking anywhere between14 and 19, and when Celair came along he saw it as his chance to finally havesomething with someone that wasn’t by its nature time-gated for failure. But heblew it harder than a Satchmo solo!

OC MostLikely To Murder Them: Ethem/Jovix-Cailo. There’s a lot of bad blood there, and he doestechnically owe her one because once she stabbed him. He really, reallydeserved it, but he could never admit that. It was really more of a warningstab anyway.

FavoriteMovie/Book Genre:You may be unsurprised to learn that the fae-natured elven patron is fond ofcomedies, specifically slapstick and anything where people are making absolutefools of one another. She loves the Three Stooges, the Marx Brothers, andCharlie Chaplin/Buster Keaton silent film stuff. She’d probably be really biginto Chris Farley, too. Basically if it features mortals making idiots ofthemselves, it will appeal to her fickle, fae proclivities. She doesn’t muchlaugh out loud anymore, but it makes her smile.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Nice Guys. Karma Houdinis.Fridged and otherwise injured-for-men’s-sake women. Elves as stuck-up,impenetrably nebulous and enigmatic embodiments of the White Ideal. Or,conversely, Elves as the long-suffering punching bags of the rest of the worldand used as thinly-veiled stand-ins for other minority groups (lookin’ at youBIOWARE). Really if you’re going to show her a media property, steer clear ofanything containing ‘traditional’ elves or she’ll just get pissed.

Talentsand/or Powers:Celair’s powers are fairly intuitive and don’t require a ton of explanation,thank god, so this will be fairly quick. First and foremost, without any of themagic or her divine physical abilities, Celair is a master swordfighter. Sheinvented the Eshgal art of the Scimitar Dance, a technique that makes use of anintricate and high-speed set of graceful dance-like steps to capitalize on themomentum of an enemy and the weight of her swords. It excels in combat againstany enemy in melee range by virtue of the footwork, the twirl of the blades,and the incredible weight of the blows.

Her speed isextremely remarkable, on par with the Witherwound’s, and she is physicallystrong enough to chuck cars one-handed. She has incredible endurance andstamina, a remarkable tolerance for pain, and can fly thanks to thedragonfly-like wings that she can hide and reveal at will. Magically speaking,Celair is a master-tier illusionist and has a very wide array of illusions,curses, and debuffs. Celair also has dominion over silvers and other preciousmetals of the earth, so she can generate and control silver in its raw, ore, orprocessed form with ease and in great quantities. Her ‘signature’ spell is calledSilver Darts of Esh, which summons a hailstorm of silver throwing darts.Celair’s huge swords, Gladhaedrel and Caedwhelnor, hum with the speed at whichthey pass through the air when Celair’s dance is in full step, and at herfastest and angriest she has been known to hit people with her swords so hardthat they aren’t cut by the swords so much as burst open or apart by them.

Now take allof that and bring it up by about 500%, and fuse her swords to her hands likemantis arms. That’s the Wrathful Wail, and while she inhabits this form shealso sings the Eshgalmuldrath, the titular ‘wrathful wail’, a horrible andunfathomable noise that is not only loud enough to be heard for miles aroundbut also summons a scouring gale of wind full of silver dust.

Why SomeoneMight Love Them:At her best, Celair is proud, clever, and graceful; she has a coy and teasingsense of humor, enjoys revelry, and in true elven form will absolutely get youmega-sloshed if you want to party with her. When she’s relaxed she is willingto try almost anything once, and is very encouraging of people trying to facefears or looking for new experiences. She’s fiercely protective of her friends,and will keep her eye on them at all times. She’s not really a ‘mom friend’,but she looks out for people on principle and is extraordinarily loyal. She’snot really all that stuck-up about her divine origins or her age, and treatseveryone she meets as equals until she’s given a reason not to. She’ll stand upto anybody, for anybody. Although she can be a little stubborn, she is open tointrospection and will admit when she’s wrong, and she will earnestly try tochange her behavior when called out.

Why SomeoneMight Hate Them:At her worst, Celair is bitter, violent, and has a hair-trigger temper. AndCelair has been at her worst for a really long time. Trauma has made her anempty, angry person with a grudge and a few hundred thousand years of repressedrage to work out, preferably via Stabbing. She has also learned nothing fromher treatment on Kith, and will bottle up her emotions until they pop. She isvery aware of her own power and will belittle or outright threaten people whorub her the wrong way. She’s stubborn, biting, and has a bit of a problem withauthority. And just like in physical combat, Celair is a pragmatist inarguments. She’ll go for the low blow if it gets her the ‘W’. When she getsreally stupendously angry she snaps a little bit and has been known to go ontirades about how pathetic and tiny other beings are to her – she’s severalmillion years old and has sneezed more times than you have cells, how Dare youyadda yadda yadda. God, her temper is so bad. It’s always been Not Great butsince she uncorked it all for the Hunt it has just been the fucking worst.

How TheyChange: IfDrell’s change graph was a steep valley, Celair’s is the heart monitor of aperson in the middle of a heart attack. Celairwas originally a very good person, all said and done. She was the light of herpatron race’s existence and did a lot of good for Kith. Ostensibly, she savedKith with the sheer ferocity of her resistance. And the thought of beingupstaged by the girl who hung up the visitor’s coats galled her fellow Divinesso much that they and the mortals went on a campaign to exterminate every lastelf. And then Derog killed them all again for committing what he saw as a‘party foul’, leaving Celair the last Divine on Kith. So Much happened in sucha minuscule time frame that Celair had no way of processing it. She couldn’tbottle it up. So she didn’t. She joined the Hunt with her favorite clerics, thefinal two Esh anywhere in existence, and their unborn child. And she tried toKill the anger away.

Celair never really tried to fit into the Hunt’s ranks, only makingfriends with Gol Gringorn because she was at their bar so often and getting toknow August because he was an elf. Otherwise she spent her time awkwardlydancing around Ethem-Cailo’s awkward attempts to catch her interest and tryingto drink herself into a hole in the ground. Ethem-Cailo eventually wore Celairdown and she decided to try and help him become a better person – and for awhile, it seemed to be working. But after the Wild Hunt’s first visit to TheRoad and a nasty encounter with one of the Road’s native gods, Celair was basicallytold off for being a huge bitch and given a portent: one day she would putanother world through the genocide that ruined her life. She was justperpetuating the cycle. And she couldn’t shake that off. When Greenbrierhappened, Celair just kinda… gave up. Ethem-Cailo’s complete lack of remorsefor obliterating an entire race and admission that he was kind of just doingthat nice-guy thing where he fed her Niceness Coins in an attempt to make sexfall out pushed Celair to drop him like a bag of bricks.

Ethem-Cailo’s attempts to woo her began to creep into unsavoryterritory, and eventually reached a point at which he repeatedly andshamelessly violated her wishes, her trust, and the boundaries she set for him.He was truly despicable to her near the end, after he crossed his moral eventhorizon, and since he was kind of in the Big Shoots Club, nobody did anythingabout it. Like I said, she even had to stab him, once, in self-defense. Henever raped her, but it got bad. By the time the present game rolled around,Celair was kind of hollowed out – too proud to just let any old fucker killher, but actively fighting with a deathwish. The home team reached out to herand offered her the chance to defect, giving her a timetable and a choice tomake. When she decided to make her move and defect, she did so too early out ofsheer panic and an oncoming mental breakdown… and the hasty exit causedMizzimet and Ophelnwol to lose the baby.

Right now, Celair is a little… inaccessible. She’s been through alot of crap, and hasn’t worked through any of it – staving off having apersonal reckoning in favor of drowning her pain and sorrow in the blood ofwhatever hapless bastards the Hunt puts in front of her. Now that she’sdefected, she’s buried under almost two and a half centuries of repression andendless bloodshed, and she doesn’t know who she is anymore. She wants to findher way back to the person that she was… but that person hasn’t reallyexisted for thousands of years even before the Hunt. Being forced to live inCustomer Service Mode against her wishes because the other members of herpantheon were too fucking lazy to figure out a better way took its toll on herlong before the Wild Hunt arrived. For the first time in a really really longtime she’s free to be whoever she wants to be… and that’s pretty heavy. Shehas a lot of trauma to unpack. I’m interested to see where she goes from here.

Why YouLove Them: She’sabout a billion tons of badass crammed into a 90-pound frame. I love Celairbecause she is so god damn defiant and so uncompromisingly competent and youwould have no idea from looking at her. I kinda love the concept of her; thistiny-looking fae elf with dragonfly wings and a dress made out of magic leaves,big ol’ doe eyes and soft wavy hair, but then you make the mistake of judgingher by appearance and she starts screaming at you and oh! Turns out she has amouth full of sharp teeth and she smokes and drinks and Stabs As A Warning.When she went to fight Dreamer, the despicable bastard responsible forsabotaging her escape pod and causing the accident that killed the baby, sheshowed up to the launch pad in full SWAT tactical gear with a shotgun, twopistols, and a grenade bandolier, ready to rock, and I love that image so much.I’m excited to work her through who she is now, because it’s a personcompletely different from who she was before, and a lot of it is going to beshaped by the way she interacts with the rest of the cast.

[pyro-yoshi]

Demonic Possession Style - a Walking Dead sick fic

You know how I’m all about OC sick fics? I still am, don’t you worry. Its been years since I’ve written a puke without plot for a fandom. Well, I broke that streak and wrote some fan fiction. I felt the internet needed some Walking Dead emeto, so I wrote this. Negan gets super sick and profusely pukes his guts out all over the place, several times, and his fellow Saviors take care of him. The amount of puke is fairly exaggerated, as Negan throws up A LOT. Likely more than is humanly possible. Why? Because I am into that.

This is pretty long. At a little over 5000 words, I do believe this is the longest sick fic I’ve written. I enjoyed writing it, hopefully you’ll enjoy reading it.

He’d felt a bit off all day, but it wasn’t until he disemboweled Spencer that Negan felt a sharp stabbing pain in his own gut. If that wasn’t ironic he didn’t know what was. Perhaps it was some sort of phantom sympathy pain, but then again the very idea of that was stupid.

Just like Spencer.

Negan would be the first to admit he was a cocky bastard, but he absolutely couldn’t stand people like Spencer, overly privileged shits who skated through life using their good looks and daddy’s credit card to get whatever they wanted. Having to talk one on one with Spencer was bad enough, but once he’d expressed his wish to kill Rick and takeover as the new leader of Alexandria, Negan had officially had enough of him and offed him right there in the street.

While tormenting Rick was one of Negan’s favorite hobbies, he also harbored a fair amount of respect for the ex deputy. Rick Grimes was a natural leader, he organized people, and most importantly, he was a go getter. He got shit done, and Negan liked that. Plus, he liked Rick’s kids a lot. Carl was a badass, and baby Judith was the cutest damn thing he’d EVER seen. Earlier in the day, he’d spent a good half hour cradling Judith, bouncing her on his knee and being silly with her while Carl kept his one remaining eye intently trained on him.

But Spencer, that asshole, wanted to murder Rick and leave Carl and Judith without a father, and Negan simply wasn’t going to tolerate that bullshit.

He felt a twinge of nausea as he watched Spencer drop to his knees, holding his own intestines in his hands. It wasn’t the blood and guts that was bothering him. Living in a post apocalyptic world, nobody batted an eye at bloodshed anymore. Killing people was just a part of life now.

No, this was something else. Before Spencer had approached him, Negan had made himself at home in Rick’s residence and cooked a massive amount of spaghetti for himself and his guests. Olivia hadn’t eaten a single bite, Carl had just picked at his and Rick didn’t even show up. Rude. Negan wasn’t the type to let food go to waste, especially not now, so he’d eaten almost the entire pot himself. He ate all of the rolls too, and washed it down with a couple glasses of lemonade. He’d probably just eaten too much.

More abrupt, intense pains almost made him wince, but he brushed them off. Instead, he stood over Spencer, who was rapidly bleeding out, and addressed the crowd of Alexandrians who had gathered around him.

“Look at that! He did have guts after all, they’re right there! I’ve never been so wrong in my life!”

The crowd stared, but nobody moved. They wouldn’t dare try anything, not with Arat ready to unload her pistol into anyone dumb enough to do something drastic.

“I just did your community a favor!” Negan ignored the horrified looks some people were casting him and continued. He motioned to Carl, who was glaring at him from his porch. “Kid, that douchebag just told me he wanted to kill your dad. Now I don’t know about you, but I think that’s really shitty.”

Turning back to the crowd, he carried on, ignoring the stomach pains and slight nausea he felt. “That’s right people. Spencer the dickless there wanted to take out your fearless leader! You should all be thanking me.”

A stronger wave of nausea took him by surprise, but he played it off and continued swaggering around Alexandria, Lucille in his hand as always. He supervised as his men wandered in and out of various homes and took whatever they felt like taking in addition to picking up this week’s offering.

Under normal circumstances, Negan would be bummed that he wasn’t going to see Rick on this visit, but as time wore on, he found himself caring less and less as he gradually began to feel worse. He could somehow still taste the spaghetti, and he felt overly full and excessively bloated, which left him in a great amount of discomfort. It got to the point where he almost sighed in relief when his men decided to load up and go back to the compound.

The drive from Alexandria to the Savior's compound was usually an hour there an hour back, a little more if they had to clear walkers from the road on the way.

Negan wasn’t sure if he’d make it through the whole drive home. He was in the passenger seat of the front most truck, and he’d long since given up trying to get comfortable. No amount of position shifting seemed to ease his rapidly growing queasiness, and rolling down the passenger window to get some fresh air hadn’t helped worth a damn. He sank down into his seat and sighed as he placed his right hand on his upset, overly bloated stomach. The truck driver gave him a questioning glance but didn’t pry.

To say he felt like dogshit was a massive understatement. Every bump in the road made him feel even worse, and by the time he arrived back at the compound, he felt well and truly sick. He felt bad enough that he let his guard down and dropped the sarcastic, confident personality he usually displayed in favor of being quiet. He thought back to various times he’d been sick with a stomach bug or food borne illness in the past, and those instances had all started with bloating and sharp abdominal pains.

He felt hot and feverish in addition to feeling sick, and as he stepped out of the truck, a dizzying wave of vertigo washed over him. He groaned softly and Lucille almost slid from his grip.

He was definitely sick, no doubt about it. All he wanted was to retreat to his room and curl into a ball of misery on the bathroom floor. He knew that’s what he’d end up doing, as he was really starting to feel like he was going to puke. He wasn’t the type to fight it, he’d much rather get it all out and feel better, at least temporarily.

Of course, Negan’s escape plan was thwarted. He had only made it several yards away from the trucks when Simon came out of nowhere and flung his arm around his shoulder.

“We’ve got a problem, and I know you’d want to hear this from me. We’ve got a snake in the nest.”

Negan looked at him, but it took him a moment to find his words. “What happened?”

“I caught said snake, Toby, trying to leave us with weeks worth of stolen food. He stole from all of us and thought he could get away with it! Unfortunately for him, I’m exceptionally good at discovering pests. We decided to heat up the furnace to teach him a lesson. Dwight’s getting the iron ready, but being the big man himself, you get to do the honors.” Simon explained.

Before Negan could protest, his right hand man lead him into the factory. Arat followed, and everyone else trailed behind them on her command. Truthfully, ironing Toby’s face was the last thing he wanted to do right now. With every step he took, he was hit with an intense nausea peak and came closer to losing it. At this point it wasn’t a matter of if he was going to throw up, it was when. He knew he had a 100 percent chance of seeing his lunch again, and probably soon at that because he felt like he could hurl at any second.

Simon lead him to the railing of the balcony overlooking the common room, and he felt acid creep up his throat as he looked down at the crowd of his lieutenants and workers below. They were all kneeling and bowing like usual, save for Dwight who was heating up the iron, and Toby who had been stripped to his underwear and bound to a chair. Normally Negan relished the sight of his loyal cohorts bowing to him and loved leading them in a charismatic manner, but today he just wasn’t up to it. He straight up felt too sick to give a traitor the iron.

Alas, he couldn’t not do it either. Toby had to be punished, but Negan wasn’t going to bother with taunting. He’d wordlessly give this guy the iron, then lock himself in his ensuite bathroom and spend the rest of the day puking his guts out.

He sluggishly descended the stairs, and he could feel everything in his stomach unpleasantly sloshing around with each step. He stopped in front of Toby, but another wave of vertigo hit him and he had to shut his eyes and brace himself with Lucille to avoid falling over.

Toby was panicking, as victims of the iron always did. He looked up at Negan, pleading.  “I-I’m so sorry sir! I’m stupid, I’m an idiot, I’m a fuck up, just please don’t do this! I’ll never break a rule again! I swear! Please!”

Simon grinned manically and leaned over the bound man. “Toby, Toby, Toby. It sure is a shame it had to come to this, because before your fuck up today, you did a good job here. I liked you. But, you must be a lot dumber than you look if you thought you could get away with that. The thing is, we don’t take too kindly to thieves around here.” he spoke in an upbeat manner, but the aura of threat was there clear as day.

Dwight removed the glowing, red hot iron from the furnace with a long metal pole and extended it to Negan. Toby, who was near tears from the anticipation of that nearly molten metal being pressed to his face, was practically howling with fear.

Negan didn’t take the iron. He was overwhelmed with nausea, and he could taste the acid that was threatening to shoot up his throat. Lucille was limp in his grip, his mouth flooded with saliva and he moaned as he a felt a hot, burning sensation rapidly start spreading through his gut. That could only mean one thing. He was going to puke, right here, right now, and there wasn’t a single thing he could do about it.

His followers had suspected something was off upon noticing how quiet he had become, but by now nearly everyone had realized that something was amiss. Arat cocked her head and gave him a questioning look, and many others followed suit.

Simon turned away from Toby and rose a brow at Negan. “What’s going on with you? Is there something I should know about?”

“I..I...oh fu-” Negan was cut off mid sentence by a retch. He felt his stomach contract and before he could even move, a torrent of vomit gushed from his mouth, missing Simon by an inch and hitting Toby square in the chest.

“Holy fuck! What the hell Negan?!” Simon leapt back to avoid getting nailed. Several other people flinched back as well, and even Arat looked shocked.

Toby audibly cried out in revulsion as the chunky brown substance slid down his torso. “Oh god! He just puked on me!”

Negan clamped a hand over his mouth and turned away from the man, but it was no use. Puke spurted from between his fingers and dripped down onto his nice leather jacket before he gagged again and completely lost control. Lucille clattered to the ground as he puked all over the floor, splashing the feet of one of his guards as he did so.

Dizziness swept over him and caused him to lose his balance. He dropped to his knees and moaned as he clutched his stomach with both hands. A second later he erupted with more chunks, making the pool in front of him bigger. Another copious wave comprised of spaghetti, rolls, lemonade and everything else he’d eaten came up, and before he could even recover from that he vomited again.

Everyone was staring at him in shocked silence, and no one wanted to go near him for fear of getting puked on.

Negan’s eyes were starting to water from the force of his retching, which he found humiliating. He wasn’t embarrassed about throwing up in front of everyone, because he couldn’t help it. However, the idea of involuntarily crying in front of them was very off putting. He was given a second to catch his breath before his stomach lurched and he continued to puke profusely on the concrete floor. Just when he thought he had nothing left inside him to bring up, he’d be proven wrong seconds later.

A flash of light suddenly brightened the room, and he realized that someone had just taken a picture of him. He didn’t have time to be angry about it though, as an agonizing jab of pain tore through his abdomen. He retched noisily as a small amount of putrid tasting liquid flowed from his mouth, and it was immediately followed by a mouthful of something that tasted even worse.

This was pure agony, Negan wouldn’t wish it upon his worst enemy. Sure, he’d eaten a lot, but this was ridiculous. Was he actually going to puke himself to death as everyone looked on in horror? Were his actual guts going to come up next? He briefly wondered which of his organs he’d see first.

Fortunately he never got the answer to that question. When nothing else came up after thirty seconds, he figured he was finally done. There was a lingering string dripping from his mouth, so he spat it into the lake of puke in front of him.

“Fuck,” he exclaimed. It was all he could think to say.

When he looked up, the first thing he saw was Eugene looking at him. The portly scientist was holding a camera and gazing at him with his usual stony faced expression.

“I apologize for the photography,” he began. “However, I must admit that I am thoroughly, utterly, downright impressed by what you just did. Never in my entire life have I witnessed someone throw up like that. Hell, I didn’t even know it was humanly possible for so much vomit to come out of one person. Thus, I felt it was necessary to document it in the name of science.”

Negan truthfully didn’t know what to say to that. For once, he was at a loss for words. Then again, he did see Eugene’s logic. If he didn’t feel absolutely godawful, he’d be impressed with himself too. He scanned over the damage he did and realized Eugene was right. He had produced an insane amount of puke. Not only did he basically destroy the floor and Toby, it was all over himself too. It was on his jacket, his right hand, his pants and his boots.

As he knelt there, the situation was quickly becoming awkward because everyone was still silently staring at him. He felt someone grip his arm and help him up, and he wasn’t surprised that it was Simon. Of course it was. Negan could always count on him.

Arat stepped up next. “What the fuck are you all staring at? Back to work!” she commanded firmly. At her order, people began to disperse.

She stalked over to Toby, untied him, then pushed him down and threw a mop at him. “Clean this shit up.” she motioned to the huge mess Negan made. “If I’m not satisfied, you’re losing all your points.”

Despite feeling outright terrible, Negan smiled at that. He could always count on Arat and Simon to take charge and get stuff done. Not only that, but people listened to them.

Negan was rather unsteady on his feet, but he insisted that he didn’t need any assistance. He wasn’t an elderly woman who needed help crossing the street, he was a grown ass man. He could take care of himself. Still, Simon followed him anyway to make sure he didn’t pass out, which Negan was secretly grateful for. He’d never admit it though.

Once they arrived at the door to Negan’s bedroom, Simon addressed him.

“So, I’ve got to ask,” he began. “Should I head down to Alexandria and pick up that priest? The one with the creepy smile? Father Gabriel, right? I think an exorcism might be in order, because that was seriously some demonic possession style level shit back there!”

“Simon, I feel like shit that took a shit, ate said shit, and puked that shit right back up. That’s what I feel like right now.” Negan ranted. “But if I suddenly start speaking ancient Latin or bringing Rick supplies instead of taking them, then by all means, summon the preacher.”

His mind flashed to Rick, and he wondered what the man would think of him now, pitifully sick and covered in his own vomit. Rick would probably get off on it, or at least laugh hysterically. Maybe he’d even swipe Lucille and use her to put Negan out of his misery.

He sent Simon to find him some anti nausea medicine, or at least some Pepto Bismol, then slunk into his room. A hot shower was in order. When he wasn’t feeling well a long hot shower usually made him feel better, even if the relief was only temporary. He rinsed his mouth out to get rid of the acrid puke taste, then strode over to the shower and cranked on the hot water.

A scalding hot shower followed by a nap sounded like heaven. Hopefully he’d feel a little better afterwards, or at least well enough to drink some water. He didn’t want to get dehydrated. He looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and was taken aback at how pale he was. He almost looked dead. Maybe he should have Simon fetch Father Gabriel after all.

He chuckled weakly at the thought of himself tied to a bed as Gabriel stood over him, thrusting a crucifix in his face and shouting “DEMON! Exit this man’s body! The power of Christ compels you! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” It would be pretty badass.

The water coming from the shower was so hot that steam was rising from the shower head, but that’s exactly what Negan wanted at the moment. He stripped off his soiled clothes and stepped in. Once the water hit him, he relaxed and felt a tiny bit better. He’d be fine in no time.

The shower had helped for all of twenty minutes. The relief he’d felt gradually faded away once he’d shut the water off, stepped out and changed into clean clothes. The nausea slowly came crawling back, wrecking havoc on his insides once more. It wasn’t long before he felt genuinely nauseous again.

At the moment, Negan was sitting on one of the small couches in his room with his head in his hands and a plastic bucket between his feet. As sick as he felt, he was stuck in that awful limbo where he wasn’t sure if he was going to throw up or not. He considered using the old finger down the throat trick but wasn’t sure if it would help much. Chances are he was going to feel absolutely terrible until whatever was causing this was filtered out of his system.

There was a knock at the door, and before Negan gave permission, it swung open to reveal Simon and Eugene.

“Hey buddy! How are you feeling?” Simon beamed at him.

Negan only groaned in response. A pink object was thrust in front of him. It was a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

“Here you go. Pepto Bismol, just as requested. I even got you a wine glass so you can drink it in style.” Simon added.

Eugene, who was holding a container in his hands, stepped towards Negan.

“It is my understanding that you likely cannot retain food and will not be able to for roughly twelve to twenty four hours. However it is imperative that you stay nourished, so I have taken it upon myself you offer you some leftovers. Sardine macaroni, made by yours truly.”

The scientist removed the lid and held the steaming bowl out to Negan.

The yellowish grey macaroni was loaded up with shriveled, oily sardines and the occasional fish eye or fin sliver here and there. Negan stared at it with repugnance for a second before the overwhelming fish smell coming from it flipped the switch on his nausea and triggered another vomiting episode.

Negan gagged and bent forward as he threw up all over the floor between his feet, somehow missing the bucket completely. Acting quickly, he picked it up and held it in his lap, getting it in place right in time to send another wave of puke splashing into it. He just barely got it all inside.

“Damn. How do you have anything left inside you?” Simon commented as he looked on with amusement. The expression on his face implied he was enjoying the show, perhaps in a very inappropriate way.

Eugene gave him a strange look as he realized that the lieutenant seemed overly interested in watching the lead savior puke his guts out. He couldn’t decipher why someone would get exited about that, but then again he had many odd quirks of his own.

Negan was too busy throwing up to notice that, so he responded by raising his middle finger at Simon. It was all he could do at the moment. His whole body lurched as an agonizing retch tore through him and more brown liquid poured from his mouth. By this point it was all liquid, except for a few solids that had been lurking in the very bottom of his stomach. It tasted truly awful and burned his throat as it came up. He heaved twice more before he was done. He had filled the bucket about a third of the way, and set it on the floor when he was sure no more was coming.

He flopped back and let himself sink into the couch. There was no word in existence intense enough to accurately describe how bad he felt. He didn’t know how it was possible, but he somehow felt even worse than he had before. The nausea wasn’t subsiding, his throat felt like it was on fire, his head was pounding, his eyes were watering and he still felt dizzy as well. He shut his eyes and remained silent for a minute before finally speaking.

“Eugene,” he began, gesturing at the offending bowl of sardine macaroni, “Get that shit away from me, or else I will projectile vomit all over you and you’ll be washing my lunch out of that fine mullet of yours.”

Eugene, not wanting to risk damage to his hair, promptly closed the lid on the bowl. “Fair enough. Sardines are a very particular brand of acquired taste. But if you ever change your mind, the offer is still on the table.”

“I think my face says it all when I say I’m a bit confused. Tell me, what would possess a sane man to think that sardines belong in mac and cheese? Why would you do that?” Simon asked him in a bewildered fashion.

“Because I like sardines.” Eugene explained. “Wether you find them palatable morsels of mercury infused goodness or downright appalling is irrelevant. Because at the end of the day, I did not make this for you.”

“Hey! One of you two assholes want to get me some water? Or are you just going to let me die?” Negan piped up from his position on the couch.

As if by magic, the door opened up again, this time signaling Arat’s arrival. She was holding a couple bottles of spring water. She looked from Negan to the partway full bucket to the puke on the floor and cringed a bit.

“You look like shit,” she said bluntly. “You’re not going to die on us, are you?”

“I might, Arat. I might. I am completely fucking out of commission. You’re in charge until I get better. These two,” he gestured to Eugene and Simon, “are going to take care of me.” Negan explained. He was laying on his back now, with half closed eyes.

Arat blinked in surprise. “Really?”

Negan nodded. “Go ahead. Pick up Lucille. Just remember to treat her like she’s your best friend in the whole world, and everything will be great. She’s a fickle mistress. She won’t tell you if she gets thirsty, so that’s up to you to figure out.”

The woman walked over to where Lucille was propped up against the wall. She picked the bat up, gave it a few test swings and smiled.

“Nice. I can see why you love her so much. Don’t worry, I’ll treat her like the magnificent lady she is.” Arat complimented. Though what she didn’t say was that she planned on referring to ‘her’ as ‘him’ or ‘Adrian’ as long as the bat was in her hands. She swung Adrian over her shoulder and gave Negan a bottle of water. “Here. Get better, and don’t die. This place needs you.”

With that, she turned and sauntered from the room.

The cool water felt amazing running down Negan’s irritated throat. He could feel the cold travel down his throat and spread through his stomach. Unfortunately, the euphoria was quickly replaced by nausea as his body swiftly began to reject the liquid.

“Oh god fucking damnit.” He bolted upright, swiped the bucket from the floor, and promptly threw up all the water he just drank.

Eugene awkwardly stared at Simon, who was starting to fidget as he watched Negan puke up all the water. It dawned on him that the other man was not repulsed, but aroused, which puzzled him greatly. He chose not to comment on it for the time being, but decided to amuse himself with a little experiment. He took the bucket away from Negan, who collapsed back onto the couch.

“Caring for others is not exactly my forte. I’ve always stayed in my own lane, and looked out only for me, myself and I. You could say that I’m selfish and be correct in that assumption. However, you have provided me with safety, shelter and all the ingredients I need to make my infamous sardine macaroni. Thus, after I dispose of the rather revolting contents of this pail I am going to scrounge around for some books. Medical books, to be precise. After reading up on the subject, I will do my best to lead you to a speedy recovery.”

Negan felt far too bad to even consider protesting as the scientist left the room, leaving him alone with Simon, who was doing his best to hide the very obvious hard on he had. He’d never hear the end of it if anyone found out that he got off on watching Negan vomit. He deliberately thought about unpleasant things, such as Fat Joey doing jumping jacks naked, to ward off the arousal. It worked.

Like Eugene, Simon wasn’t exactly the world’s best care taker. But, Negan was both his boss and his best friend, so he was going to try even though caring for people, or even just being nice, wasn’t in his nature. He practically had to drag Negan off the couch and onto the bed, as the other man wasn’t putting in any effort what so ever.

“You are way heavier than you look.” he panted as he dropped Negan onto the bed.

Even though he felt worse than he’d ever felt in his life, Negan managed a small snicker. “I wanted to see if you’d actually pick me up and carry me.”

For the next half hour or so, he remained sprawled out over the bed as Simon stayed with him and made sure he was alright. He laid motionless, completely unmoving until the urge to puke wormed its way back yet again. He didn’t even curse this time.

Actually getting up and walking into the bathroom was going to be the difficult part. He had no energy at all, as even moving his head was a strenuous task. By the time he managed to partially sit up, it was already too late. He clasped his hand over his mouth, but it did nothing to stop the acid that was starting to rise. He retched and yellowish bile cascaded over his fingers and onto the white T shirt he was wearing. Having accepted defeat, he rolled onto his side and puked all over his bedsheets. He didn’t even try to get off the bed. Well past the point of caring, he simply laid there as waves of bile gushed from his mouth. In the midst of heaving he heard a sharp gasp come from beside the bed, then what sounded like no followed by a string of obscenities.

Negan dry heaved a couple times, then moaned and curled up into a ball. He didn’t even care that he was covered in his own vomit for the second time today. Nor did he care who saw him or who knew. He, the big bad wolf, had essentially been reduced to a defenseless pup and he felt too shitty to give even a fraction of a crap about it. Hell, Rick could be standing over him, Lucille in hand, about to give him a taste of his own medicine and he wouldn’t care. That’s how awful he felt. The nausea was finally beginning to recede a little, but he was in a lot of pain due to the sheer amount he had thrown up over the past couple hours. He thought he may have broken some sort of world record. He felt like he had at least a dozen acid tipped knives stuck in various places around his guts and throat. Even breathing hurt.

“Am I dead yet?” he groaned hoarsely. His voice was somewhat muffled as his face was buried in one of the pillows.

“No.” Simon looked flustered but also concerned for Negan’s well being. He awkwardly shifted position.

“How about now?”

“No.”

“Simon?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you just cum in your pants?”

“.......n....yes.....”

“I knew it.”

Simon wasn’t a prudish or easily frazzled person, but he suddenly found himself unable to look at Negan and wished that a walker would sneak up on him and rip his throat out.

“I don’t blame you,” Negan said deliriously. He was so exhausted and worn out that he was falling asleep despite the intense pain. “Because....”

He trailed off for a second, on the verge of sleep.

“....every fucking thing I do is hot.”

[snake-oiled-chief]

(Okay just to get this out of the way: I’ve only ever seen your blog on mobile so now that I’m actually seeing it on my laptop…wow. Like whoa. WOW. I love your theme/background so much…okay it’s out of my system now.)

…For a hot minute I got so distracted by how pretty your theme is I forgot the questions I had about Tokage (mostly about his Quirk) BUT I HAVE ‘EM NOW:

Oh thank you for sending me this! This was a lot of fun to answer btw!

About his Quirk:

1. Considering his Quirk, which side of his family did he inherit it from, mom or dad (like with Asui)? Or is it one of those Quirks that mutated and subsequently turned out to be unrelated (like with Eri’s Rewind)?

Shino got his ability from his Grandfather on his mother’s side. He was born with scales like his own but the problem here is his Grandfather could turn his Quirk off, he can’t so there was some form of mutation as DNA was transferred. His mother could spit venom, his father has a mil Quirk which was hyper sensitive eyesight.

2. Does he get more sluggish in the winter, like is there a risk of hibernating like with Asui?

A mild risk but he doesn’t hibernate. He stays in the station more often in the winter but yes, cold is a weakness to him, it makes his scales brittle as well.

3. We know he has night vision, so what is his vision like during the day? Are the colors brighter? Are sunny days a little painful for him, enough to keep several pairs of sunglasses? Or is it just normal like everyone else?

Normal eyesight in the day, the sun doesn’t affect him.

4. Does he have a three-chambered heart?

Yes.

5. Incoming stupid question for laughs: does he shed his skin? (And just how annoying is it?)

Lol, no. He loses scales but thats only if they’re damaged.

6. Does his Quirk affect his strength? Like, does it make him stronger?

No.

7. About his venom making skin contact and burning, is it strong enough to leave fourth-degree burns?

No.

8. Is his core temperature less stable (compared to the average Quirkless person)?

Yes. He hovers close to a human temperature though.

9. Is respiratory system also affected, like does he have better lung capacity (compared to the average Quirkless person)?

No.

10. How strong is his sense of smell? (If it’s strong enough then I can only imagine air pollution being hell for him.)

His smell isn’t fully hyper sensitive like a snake would be, but he can still pick up scents better than the average joe.

About the Workplace (and what he does):

1. What was going on with Tokage in the aftermath of the USJ incident?

Chaos. He ha purposed stricter rules for the school to follow and for their parents. Ever since he’s been capturing the stranglers of the incident an putting them through rigorous interrogations for the whereabouts of the LoV.

2. What were his thoughts about U.A. going through with the Sports Festival, considering what happened at the USJ?

He hated it. He warned Nezu of the precautions but of course they didn’t listen.

3. Did he ignore the Sports Festival broadcast? Or was he watching and did he take notice of Midoriya and Todoroki’s battle (hence any questions about the relationship between the former and All Might)?

Yes. Yes and yes. He takes great intrest in Deku.

4. Does he have an idea that something completely different went down with Stain’s arrest? Did he catch Endeavor showing any signs in behavior that suggested otherwise, and what would Tokage have done if he found out?

Oh for sure. Though he knows the other Chief well, he knows his dogshit better than anyone….haha get it? But yes. He knows it’‘s not the truth. He would have done the same to be honest.

5. Incoming really nasty question: the motives behind Bakugou’s kidnapping are fairly obvious, but while getting his coffee to prepare for the stress coming soon, he overhears an old middle school classmate of Bakugou’s ranting to a friend about how Bakugou got into U.A. despite “crossing a line” while he bullied Midoriya. After the friend asks about what Bakugou said, the person recites the “swan dive” comment (I tried to type it out but it was really painful to) and actually did want to report it to the faculty and the police, but was afraid of what Bakugou would do to them which, given what his Quirk and attitude are like, isn’t all surprising. Now having overheard and knowing all of this, how would Tokage act? (You can omit this question if you want to.)

You can bet your ass he’s paying a visit to the school and his parents after the ordeal.

6. How many men did he lose at Kamino?

9

7. Considering Todoroki used his ice, it would be at least near impossible to not notice the students’ presence during the rescue op at Kamino, so how did the police handle that? Or were they unable to since the kids didn’t engage in combat with any of the villains?

Unless they engaged, Shino can’t do anything but he did tell Endeavor.

8. Given Toga Himiko’s Quirk, background and connection to the League of Villains, would you say that Tokage and his men are more concerned with tracking down and arresting her than Shigaraki to prevent any more impersonations and make it easier to keep track of who is who? (Imagine Toga killing and impersonating one of his own men, especially a rookie with a worried mother…yikes.)

He’s concerned abaut taking her down and Twice, really.

9. How involved (to an extent) was he in the investigation on Overhaul and the anti-Quirk bullets?

Not by much since it wasn’t in his jurisdiction.

10. Did he personally know Sir Nighteye? If yes, how he did take the news of Nighteye’s death?

Tokage knew Nighteye, yes. They had opposing views on heroes half the time but they respected one another as allies. He was greatly affected by his death, even paying him tribute by putting flowers at his gravesight.

11. What was happening with Tokage and his men in the aftermath of the attack on Overhaul as he was being transported?

A whole lot of paperwork…

12. Has he met Eri in person for questioning?

No.

13. Does he disagree with U.A. taking custody over Eri, especially in light of past incidents with their security measures?

Oh for sure, but the trusts Aizawa so he’ll let her stay….or now.

14. Considering Gentle/Tobita’s antics, what was Tokage’s attitude towards the case? Hostility or just plain apathy with a measure of not taking him seriously? (Like “*Siiiiiiigh* It’s this guy…alright, let’s bring him in and get this over with.”)

He felt kinda bad for the guy? He felt pity for this pathetic dud more or less so. Like he knew he wasn’t a bad guy. He’d dealt with bad men all his life so he took it seriously but didn’t break the book over his head either.

15. What was police training like for him?

Pretty tough, but he was determined to show that h was just as good as any hero.

16. Have there ever been attempts on Tokage’s life before, given that he’s Chief?

Yes, many actually. If he dies it’ll send chaos through the city. He’s a skilled fighter for this exact reason.

17. If he knew one of his men has a target on their back, does he offer to walk them home? Or does he walk them home whether or not they want him to, no questions asked?

Please, they’re getting a ride home with three escorts to boot with him.

About his Daily Life:

1. What are mornings like? Does he sometimes get his coffee alongside coworkers and colleagues?

He tends to like being alone. He’s reclusive and a loner. He doesn’t like people but man does he love cats.

2. What is a non-hectic/“quiet” day like for him at the station? Just constant paperwork?

Paperwork, coffee and classic music playing in the background.

3. For laughs: has he ever been in a situation where he runs into someone he’s seen on television/met in the field (like if he runs into one of the more meek and nicer U.A. students from the hero course, like Midoriya or Iida; or a Pro Hero like Ingenium) a place like a grocery store, and not realize it until he gets a better look at them? How awkward would/does it get?

Oh god, that happened once with the Todoroki clan. He was quickly power walking the other way with his cart full of coffee in his pajama sweats an his messy hair.

4. What does he do after work? Does he sometimes wander off or does he always go straight home?

Home or to a cafe to read while drinking coffee

5. And finally, considering the shit he’s witnessed and been through, has he ever considered tai chi and/or yoga?

He does tai chi every other weekend in the park.

[gauphastus]

Eco pt.2 - A flawed and grindy time sink

Eco... can be really grindy. for most people i imagine it would feel like a massive waste of their fucking time. and unfortunately if you want to get the most out of it you will probably want to spend as much time on it as possible-- at least on multiplayer servers which is the best experience honestly.

do NOT solo this game. it is dogshit solo.

on that server i mentioned i missed a day or two. went to visit a friend. got home and got back on. things had progressed without me.

see, whether you’re online or offline, based on your diet and housing, you generate skill points. these are used to develop skills and specializations for use in a variety of industries. depending on the server settings these points may generate very quickly or very slowly. it is up to the admin who largely factors in the world size and potential player population. the system works this way to create collaboration between players.

our server was reasonably busy but getting skill points wasn’t on the extreme side. not too bad. but not being there meant other players who were there had already established themselves as brickmakers or bakers or smelters. they had just started specializing in high-demand industries. they help the server population tier up.

and if you’re not there for that, especially if you’re trying to be competitive, you will easily be left behind. now your fancy house doesn’t generate nearly as much skill points as the people with these new materials. what’s more is those people now dictate the prices of the new industries which will often drastically increase grind.

but soon... even that tier is left behind for yet another, with new specializations, new workbenches, and new materials.

don’t get me wrong. you can absolutely still participate and putter around. you absolutely can still futz with the market and even compete... but because of the way the game is designed currently lower-tier stuff loses nearly 100% of its value as the population moves up into better materials. and they will move up. because by and large they are more dedicated than you. despite my playing extremely frequently it seemed as though there were a couple of players on at all hours. i even heard through the grapevine that one particular player was progressing quickly on their own because they would take turns with their roommate. nearly 24/7 at that rate.

i don’t fault the players though. the game is designed in a way that creates this situation. and while i see it as something of a flaw i still see it as reflective of a greater strength. maybe someday the kinks will be worked out sufficiently.

more about the grind though. it’s heinous. forget waiting around for skills. you haven’t felt tedium this bad since minecraft. lacking in skills you may still find yourself producing specialized goods... but that comes at a vastly higher material cost as well as a vastly higher production time. without a skilled cook your food will be drastically more costly to make and may also take upwards of 20 minutes a unit. same with smelting, carpentry, tailoring...

so if you were lacking food then it’d be important for you to make a shop offering to buy some, or for you to take the time to go out into town to shop around. the issue though is that this takes time. you may not have much else to do but it does become tedious going shopping for goods.

say you have your food issue handled. you need to produce more stuff for money, which itself is for materials and other shit you need. pretty normal. maybe you’re able to make bricks. well, to make bricks you need clay. there’s a clay deposit nearby. grab a shovel and get to digging. oh right, digging is also a specialization. if you don’t have that you burn calories (energy/stamina) way faster. god help you if you have a low-tier shovel. you’ll be burning through materials repairing it. crappy wood shovel? repair with wood. oh wait, ran out of wood. gotta cut down a tree and hump all the lumber back home.

just watch the hours in your day vanish. Eco gameplay can often be described as “if it’s not one thing it’s another”.

maybe bricks aren’t your bag. maybe you’d like to go hunting. make some arrows and shoot some wolves or bison. people pay good money for carcasses. again, time. the fucking time. the time it takes to prep for hunting isn’t bad and making a bow and arrows is pretty easy. queue arrows up at a workbench while you’re out so they’re ready when you get home. but the wandering around looking for creatures. and even if they’re around there’s all kinds of geographic obstructions, day and night. and if you’re not a hunting specialist you do shit damage. shoot any animal once and they take off running for the hills. if you lose them it’s unlikely you’ll see them again. but you still try. you blunder through forests and up mountains looking for animals. maybe you get some and bring them back.

was it worth the time cost?

maybe you’re not a hunter. you’re a farmer. oh wait. this game for some reason doesn’t care about farming at all. okay, that’s weird, Eco. you’re weird.

meanwhile the big guys who got out ahead of it all are living large with more than enough money to buy anything. but they don’t need anything because they’re the lead producers and they have everything they want.

if they log out with most of the economy’s money it’s in limbo. if they got bored and bailed it’s essentially gone without the right laws in place.

i appreciate what this game does very much. it offers a rewarding and very interesting experience... initially. after it turns into routine though it becomes so utterly boring and meaningless that the average person would probably refund it if they didn’t realize they’ve already dumped 100 hours into the thing without even noticing.

in my previous post i mentioned my friend got bored and bailed. why was that? because he looked at his future specializations and the work needed to get there. we had already been playing for maybe a bit more than a week at that point. might have been day 9 or 10 for the server. eventually the workbenches/machinery needed for the higher-tier tasks became so monumental that he completely lost interest. he could get the skill points, sure, but the specialization would have been really time-consuming and expensive. he wasn’t wrong.

meanwhile, after he left, i stuck it out for a day or two longer. it was still exciting to me to run the store and see the market grow and change. but i couldn’t help but feel disappointed. my buddy was gone and, while i really liked the folks on the server, i just wasn’t feeling voice chat. i had a bit with them but i have my own personal issues when it comes to keeping up appearances with people.

so i was kinda lonely i guess. that and i had nobody doing my buddy’s work anymore. it was down to me on this property. there’s not a lot of maintenance really besides maybe repairing tools and eating food. but i felt a need to keep production moving. so i took up mining as well. didn’t have smelting though.

i suppose i could have kept going, maybe joined up with some other folks who needed a guy, maybe could have scaled down and done what i could while buying/selling stuff... which i realized was another time sink. putting stuff on the market doesn’t instantly generate money. people have to come to you and trade the stuff. and it may take half a day or more for that to happen.

i tried. but in the end i burned out really hard on it. i made my land free and deposited my equipment and deeds in a chest in the stockyard. i haven’t played since the beginning of last year.

but i’m looking at it again, thinking of giving it another go with a bit of a different attitude, a little change in approach. maybe i’ve had it wrong? am i not treating myself fairly? maybe instead of going at it like it’s a full-time job i should take it easier. maybe four hours a day or something much more reasonable?

who knows?

[brazenautomaton]

finished season 2 of Stranger Things

Without spoilers, it is not as good as the first season. The pacing is pretty bad, even beyond the debacle that was episode 7. Not only does a lot of time pass early on without a lot happening, it spins its wheels in an active attempt to prevent the things you want to see from happening. The first 2/3rds of this season have a fucking Homestuck-tier problem of “Ooh, it looks like something is about to happen instead of nothing happening, SMASH CUT TO A DIFFERENT SCENE!” It happens again and again and again and again and again. The first few episodes have so little happening, that when things do start happening, they feel kind of cramped. There isn’t actually a lot of time where the threat is threatening, and so there aren’t enough opportunities for the characters to explore or discover or react to things about it. I’d have appreciated at least one episode where they were in an “uneasy, quiet siege, the tendrils of the Threat are out there but who knows why?” kind of state. Characters in the first 2/3rds of the season don’t communicate nearly enough for people who ALL KNOW ABOUT THE CRAZY MONSTER DIMENSION. They needed to cut about an episode and a half worth of this season, and then stretch out and flesh out the back end of the season to fill it. And Episose 7 was also dogshit even if it wasn’t another example of blue-balls pacing.

Eleven is also way too powerful. They forgot how strong she was and made her way stronger. Her having a nosebleed when she used her powers used to be a sign of how taxing they were for her and how frail she was -- now it’s just window dressing. She can remote-view guys by just closing her eyes for a couple seconds instead of needing to worry about making the conditions right. She can fling things about whenever she feels like. 

The problems I have with the finale and how it’s constructed can’t be gone into without spoilers, but I will if anyone asks for them and cares.

[winstonhcomedy]

How’d Winston Do This Weekend? 11/2-11/3

What a wild and wacky weekend of wonderful comedy!!! We had a twofer on Friday in Petersburg, and then a bit of a road trip for a shit show at Smith Mt. Lake on Saturday!!!

I love a twofer. Two sets in one night. It’s especially rare when the show isn’t in a huge city. The fact that Petersburg had two shows on Friday is kind of ridiculous, but I am definitely not complaining.

The first was the Off The Rip Improv Showcase at Plaza Mexico Bar and Grill run/hosted by my buddy Mu Cuzzo. I think it was Mu’s first time running a show like this which is pretty neat. I hit him up before the show and asked for a spot. He put me on and let me go first so I could make my second show.

I get there early and get to hang with Mu, his dope girlfriend Paula, and Bryan Williams. I knew Paula before I knew Mu. She used to come out and support a bunch of comedy shows. She’s a pretty dope artist as well. She is a poet, a writer, she makes jewelry, and there’s probably a lot more I’m missing as well. She’s a good influence on Mu, and supportive af. I always enjoy talking to her!

Mu is in a super good mood, because his mom is coming to watch him perform for the first time. This is a super dope moment to watch. When his mother gets there Mu hands her a bouquet of flowers (it’s her birthday) and gives her a huge hug. Shit like this gets me teary eyed. Small stuff like that really touches me in a crazy kind of way.

Mu’s mother is a pretty strong, and awesome woman. Mu told me she’s on city council and when city council tried to knock down city worker’s pay by 10% she told them to take all of her pay. This is a bad ass move. It show’s she gives af about the community, which is rare as hell nowadays.

Had to talk to Bryan about staying in his lane. Bryan is a good dude who means well, but he sometimes gets involved in some stuff on fb he really shouldn’t. I think arguing about stuff on FB is super annoying and pointless (even though I’ve done it.) I just advised him it’d be best to mind his own business and keep his head down and just write/tell jokes. He’s so new he doesn’t need the reputation of a White Knight or argumentative dude on FB. It was about some personal stuff going on in the comedy scene rn so I don’t want to go into it, but it was a good talk.

The room itself is pretty big and spacious. There is a weird divider in the middle of the room. The DJ is set up on one side, and the comics perform on the other. There is a pretty good crowd there, but because the room is so big it doesn’t feel super intimate. Also there's a table of about 11 people behind us that you have to turn around to see. It’s an odd setup, but it works.

Mu went up first and did a good job getting the room ready for comedy. Since the microphone was wireless and he knew a lot of the audience he walked out into them a little bit and did his thing. He got his mom involved a bit, and warmed up the room nicely.

I go up first and have a pretty solid set. I only did crowd work. It did not have the vibe of a crowd that would be into my material. I only did about 5 minutes since I was a guest, but I got his mom involved and his cousin. I had some pretty good lines, and got some big laughs. 

All in all I’m glad I went to the show. I’d give my set a B-. After the set I hopped in my car and drove straight to Wabi Sabi.

Wabi Sabi is one of my favorite comedy rooms. It is usually hosted/run by Jason Klingman. Tonight Kenny Wingle was hosting since Jason was at the Brian Wilson concert in Richmond. 

This is a room set up for comedy. It is in a basement, has low ceilings, tight seating, brick wall backdrop, separated from rest of the restaurant, and usually has a good crowd. This is not an easy room by any means, but they do reward funny. You have to be willing to work for your laughs. They like jokes and crowd work. 

I’ve had some of the best sets of my life at Wabi and I honestly think it’s a room that has made me into the comic I am now. I’m not afraid of any room, and it really helped me build my confidence while doing material or crowd work. 

When I got to the show Alex Castagne was on stage and he had a hot one. The room was full, and he was slaughtering. Alex is a funny dude, and a good friend. A real fine jew of a boy.

 He gets off and Joshua Horsford goes up. Joshua has been in and out of the comedy scene for a long time. He started well before me, but he also writes/acts so there are times where he is absent from the scene for months. He had a pretty good set and Kenny went back up and did some crowd work in-between him and the next comic.

Next up is Patrick Nowaczyk one of the members of Rich Girls comedy. A comedy troupe that isn’t really doing anything anymore but was full of some of my favorite comics when I started. Pat started out super strong. He was really killing up top, but then he got into some of his longer jokes and they either didn't get them or just didn’t have the attention span for them (which sucks because he did two of my favorite bits he does). 

He gets off stage and since it is late about two tables get up to leave. Which is always disconcerting as a comic who is going last on a show. 

Bryan showed up to hang out after his set at Mu’s show. When he got there he asked for a guest spot. Kenny came up and asked if it was ok if he went in front of me.  I didn’t give a shit. Bryan’s five minutes aren’t going to affect me. 

Bryan goes up and really does not have a good set. He caught them when he got on stage, but after that he really let their lack of laughs get to him and he got more and more timid. He just had no confidence and they just weren’t his crowd. After his set about half of the remaining tables leave. 

Kenny goes back up and does a little more crowd work to get the crowd back and excited again. Luckily the tables that were left were great audience members. 

I go up and just go right into crowd work. They are vibing with me and my energy right away. I do about 25 minutes and I can honestly say I did one joke in the middle (and it worked).

The audience members left were amazing. I had one of the best sets I’ve had in a while. I was jumping back and forth between two large tables of guests, calling back to crowd work, and really getting weird and intimate.

Talked about sex with a mom/dad in front of her daughter who was celebrating her birthday. Talked to another lady about how much she loved to be choked. I had a lot of lines I can’t even remember, but it was a super fun and hot set.

I’d give it an A- and maybe even bump it up to an A. 

It was so much fun, and really glad I was booked on this show. After the show I hung with the guys a bit, and then Klingman showed up. We talked about the Brian Wilson show, and I asked to be on next month’s Wabi show (it is the 9th year anniversary and I didn’t want to miss it.) Afterwards I headed home.

Saturday was a fun day. I got to wake up late, and hang out with my niece which is one of my favorite things to do. I also knew I had a good hang on the horizon because I was driving to Lynchburg to meet up with my dude Jake Snyder and ride with him and Paige Campbell to the comedy competition at Heath’s Waterfront Grill at Smith Mtn. Lake. 

Once I get to Jake’s we got and grab a bit to eat at Wendy’s next to his house. Someone asks him how tall he is (6′7) and they then reply with, “that ain’t too bad”. I don’t even begin to know wtf that even means. 

Paige gets to his apartment and then we hit the road. We are jamming to older metal on the radio, and it legit feels like we are comics in the 80s. Three dudes crammed into a car, driving into the middle of nowhere for some dogshit show and a chance at $250. 

We have done this show before, and it actually wasn’t bad. I had a super hot set and won some money. They had us on a real stage, and it was pretty packed out. Definitely more fun that it had any right to be.

This time we show up. The sound system is shit, there is no stage (they have moved us to the corner), very little audience, and the energy is weak af in the room. We all know it is going to suck.

The good thing is there are definitely some folks I love to hang with here. Johnny Camacho (Roanoke comic), Kristinia Montouri (Roanoke comic), Colby Knight (lynchburg/charlottesville guy), Zach Webb (lynchburg comic), and a few others idk at all. 

The host Phil Hogan goes first and he just gobbles dick for like 15 minutes. Like it is brutal. Barely any laughs at all, and really isn’t vibing with the crowd. After him he brings up a comic Ron Hebert who also bombs. The next comic is Melissa Douty. I have never seen her before, but her reputation precedes her. She is a local headliner/touring comic. Super likeable and a good joke writer. She has what I consider the best set of the night. 

I go up next and in my opinion bomb. I got some good pops, and about 3/4 of my jokes work. I try to engage the crowd, but they aren’t having it at all. I also keep stepping out of the light because it is poorly placed and bright af (I get points deducted because of this). 

The best part was in the middle of a setup to one of my jokes that needs people to pay attention a man who has to be 80 rolls in on his mechanical wheelchair. He is making what I can only describe as a comical amount of noise. He is knocking his wheelchair into tables, and the hostess is talking so loud asking him where he is going to sit. The whole time I am just on stage delivering a joke people don’t want to hear just trying my best not to yell at this old dude. HE WHEELS ALL THE WAY TO THE FRONT!!! On the inside I am dying laughing. It felt like it was out of a tv show.

I’d give my set a C-. I just didn’t have it that night.

Melissa Douty comes over and we both compliment each others sets. I definitely respect her as a comic. Super funny lady check her out. 

Everybody else goes up and honestly it feels like everybody is bombing. Paige and Jake didn’t do great but also the crowd was shit. Johnny Camacho goes up and does a German Psychic character (that I enjoy) and gets a few good laughs. Lastly a 16 year old kid goes up with a notebook and he does ok. Not bad for a first set ever, and he had a few good ideas.

They are adding up the scores at the end of the show while the host goes back up and plays guitar for an obscene amount of time. We are hanging out in the back and 16 year old is one cocky dude. You can tell he thinks he is a comedic genius. He is trying to bust balls, and be goofy. He asks me if my legs are ok because my jeans are too tight (brilliant roast). A little later he says he’s a bit sleepy because he did a bunch of heroin, so I responded with, “yea and after your set I just wish you had Od’d.” He heard me, but he didn’t respond. He also quit busting balls after that. He did have some funny shit so I hope he continues to go out and work on new stuff. His parents were there, so it was cool to see them support his dream.

They announced Johnny Camacho as the winner. Which blew me away. Not because he isn’t funny, but just because Mellissa Douty got more laughs than all of the other comics combined. I’m happy for Johnny because at least a hack didn’t win, but I felt bad for Melissa because for that room she kind of freaking crushed.

We head back and stop at Sheetz to grab some food. We park back at Jake’s place and start doing our favorite street jokes. Then we all go our separate ways. I head home and start playing tf out of Red Dead Redemption 2! Which is how I spent the rest of my weekend.

WHAT AN AMAZING TIME BAYBEES AND LAYDEES!!! I love you a lot and will catch up with you soon. Keep on trucking everybody! xoxoxo LOVE YOU!!!

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Good Face, High Ass: The Baseball Scouting Glossary

Few vocabularies are as rich as the vernacular used by baseball scouts. Scout speak is practical and descriptive, yet colorful and sometimes lurid.

Taken out of context, the lingo can be alternatively oddball, which comedian Rob Delaney used to great effect in his dramatic reading of scouting terms culled by Harper's Magazine back in September 2004; gems such as "country-boy build," "slight toilet-seat hitting approach," "feel for wood," "uses hands to hit," "raw-boned physique," "muscular thighs," "good trigger," and "knows he can catch & throw."

To be clear, scouts have and always serve a valuable purpose in the baseball landscape identifying, evaluating, and projecting talent, an important companion to analytics. This compilation is merely intended to provide an informative and entertaining look at the indigenous language that arises when spending 200 or more days on the road watching ballgame after ballgame after ballgame.

VICE Sports polled several scouts, executives, and writers for their favorite scouting terms, and we compiled this entertaining sampling of a glossary:

The Good Face The consummate quality sought in every good prospect is the facial appearance of stardom. Exposed widely in pop culture in the book Moneyball when it was relayed that Billy Beane had "The Good Face," the term signifies a vague discernment of maturity, confidence, and future aptitude in the sport.

Its debut in the public domain actually came in the scouting tome, Dollar Sign on the Muscle. Former Phillies scout Gary Nickel said of "The Good Face": "It was a way of saying that a kid had charisma. It meant that he looked athletic, like a high stage in evolution—that he struck you right away as strong, forceful, manly, open instead of withdrawn." Another Phillies scout, Brandy Davis, insisted "'good face' is objective: it means he impresses you as an athlete—not a pretty boy. He's not withdrawn. He projects strength, virility, maturity." A study of Japanese baseball players in 2013, believe it or not, showed a correlation between facial structure and baseball performance.

High ass No, really, stop laughing. This is a term. Alternately referred to as "high back pockets" or a prominent "lower half," having a big posterior is said to portend good power potential. But it's more than a little weird when you think about a grandfatherly scout using the term on a teenage prospect.

Makeup There's nothing cosmetic about a ballplayer's makeup, which is an attempted qualification of his confidence, psyche, leadership virtues, and emotional stability. Does someone who flips his bat after a homerun have bad makeup? Maybe! A player highly regarded in this manner is always said to have "off the charts makeup," leading one executive to bemoan why his scouts don't get bigger charts.

"He's a baseball player." Though it would seem to apply to anyone on the field—I mean, is everyone else playing a different sport?—this sentiment is intended to be a noble compliment conveying an evaluator's utmost respect for a prospect, often connoting intangible skill or countenance that exceeds his physical tools. In Dollar Sign on the Muscle, a Phillies' scouting report on Bip Roberts praised him because, among attributes, he "can run, play defense, play baseball." Yes, play baseball, indeed.

Horseshit Poor play in baseball is never bullshit or dogshit, but always horseshit, with scouts preferring the equine concoction to its bovine and canine variations. (This used to be a common coda from press box wags to the scorekeeper's recitation of a pitcher's final line; after notation of how many runs and hits a man allowed, writers would chime in, ". . . and he was horseshit," as if in an attempt to codify the sentiment into the box score.) Dollar Sign on the Muscle clarifies that bullshit does have a place as a verb or to describe one's intention, quoting a scout referring to a former co-worker by saying, "His written report was all bullshit, and that's when I knew he was a horseshit guy."

Center cut A butcher's center-cut offering is often thought to be the choicest meat, and a very hittable fastball often receives that tag for its apparent succulence to a hitter.

Red ass A fiery, argumentative, hard-nosed player is said to be a red ass, a term that apparently dates to at least the 1920s. (See: Lo Duca, Paul)

Soft eyes This was explicitly evoked in a basketball context—former college coach Dan Dakich once said in a radio interview that Kristaps Porzingis would be a bust because "he's got soft eyes, and eyes are a big deal to me. Look at great players and look at their eyes and you can tell a lot about them." Dakich was adamant that he wasn't talking about actual vision or so-called court vision but the very appearance of a man's eyes, adding, "You can look physically at somebody's eyes and tell whether they're a killer or not. You can look physically, um, almost inside them if you know what you're looking for." Um, ok. A baseball scout relayed this term.

Inverted 'W' It's supposed to be a death knell for pitchers: a throwing mechanic in which the elbows rise above the shoulders before release, a tendency some believe is a precursor to serious arm injury. Linguists would call it an 'M.'

Stephen Strasburg is said to have an inverted "W" delivery. Photo by Patrick McDermott-USA TODAY Sports

Hyphenated names Two incredulous scouts said they've heard peers speculate that conjoined appellations are indications of poor potential. One of the scouts summarized the ridiculous thinking as follows: neither parent is an Alpha, so they'll allegedly lack a killer instinct. Really. We don't get it, either.

Redheads Another insane marginalization of an entire subset of people: some scouts are said to shy away from red-headed ballplayers, apparently because of an inability to cope under the hot summer sun. (Speaking as a ginger, I do go through an awful lot of sunscreen . . .)

Bowling-ball sinker Two-seam fastballs with downward action are always and only compared to gravity's pull on a heavy, falling bowling ball. No other heavy objects are accepted.

Long levers Ballplayers are seen as objects and their limbs are but functional levers for hitting, throwing, and catching baseballs.

Changeup "feel" Pitchers who throw good changeups are always said to have a "feel" for the pitch rather than an ability or skill or talent. Similarly, changeups are tagged as "feel pitches."

Bugs Bunny changeup The old cartoon character once threw such a deceptively slow pitch that his animated opponent swung three times before the ball even reached the plate.

Frisbee slider Frisbees can have a lot of horizontal movement. So too sliders. Ergo, Frisbee sliders.

Tool shed A player possessing lots of tools, i.e. the individual attributes (arm strength, hitting power, etc.) that comprise a well-rounded player.

20-80 scale Scouts don't rate tools on a 1-to-10 or 1-to-100 scale because that would be too simple. An 80 is exceptional, Hall-of-Fame ability; 50 befits an average major leaguer; 20 is you or me. (FanGraphs has a good primer.)

Ceiling/floor Scouts often sound like HGTV contractors for how often they invoke ceilings and floors to suggest the maximum and minimum growth potential for prospects.

Comp Short for comparison, the term 'comp' is a scout's way of describing a prospect's game through a likeness to an established player. These are often hilarious to read in hindsight—or, similarly, unfair for the undue expectations. (A scout once told me that 2009's No. 2 overall pick, Dustin Ackley, projected somewhere between Chase Utley and Mark Kostay, a huge gulf between a borderline Hall of Famer and a sturdy regular. Ackley, however, has thus far fallen short of even the bottom of this wide range.)

Arm slot This is the arm's trajectory on a pitch, ranging from overhand down to sidearm to submarine.

Swing path This is the bat's trajectory through the strike zone and is particularly relevant now that the baseball world is abuzz with talk of loft, backspin, and exit velocity, not to mention a surge in batted-balls in the air.

Dice roller A pitcher with an arm slot so elevated that pitches appear almost appear to be thrown over their head like they are rolling dice. (Note: In a very different context, it could apply to a Strat-O-Matic player.)

"Has an idea." Having an idea suggests a player has know-how. Often this is used to discuss his hitting approach and strike-zone discipline. It also means his brain is working.

"For me" Scouting opinions are all personal projections so the ubiquitous qualifier attached to each is "for me," as in "He's a No. 3 starter for me" or "For me, he's got the range of a statue." One veteran scout shakes his head at this phrase because no one else is talking. Of course the opinion is for you.

"Can or can't" At the end of the day, it's a binary decision—can he be a big leaguer or not?

"Occasionally" This hedge is often inserted in strategic spots like, "His mechanics occasionally lapse, and he loses the strike zone." Quips one scout, "You can say that about every pitcher. The real question is, 'How occasionally?'"

Downhill plane Even though every pitcher is standing on a mound and throwing down to the strike zone, the extra length of a tall pitcher throwing overhand and delivering the ball with a few more degrees of decline apparently warrants the description of downhill plane.

The 6-foot-8 Dellin Betances has a good downhill plane on his fastball. Photo by Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

Arm action This term details the actual throwing motion in which a pitcher removes the ball from his glove, raises his arm, and throws the pitch.

Plus Any pitch or tool that grades above average gets tabbed plus (or plus-plus), even though sub-standard tools rarely, if ever, are called minus.

Dude As scout-turned-draft analyst Dave Perkin says, "A dude is a legitimate prospect as opposed to a phony one, in fact, the argument could be made that a scout's entire professional life is spent attempting to identify who is a "dude" and who is not!"

Milk drinkers A scout told Perkin that he prefers players who aren't too wholesome and have an edge.

Rangy Baseball people love adding a '-y' suffix onto nouns for adjectival use. (The same '-y' construct is also a lingual device to create boring nicknames for players. Yankees manager Joe Girardi calls Brett Gardner, Aaron Hicks, and Luis Severino by the names Gardy, Hicksy, and Sevvy; even Starlin Castro has, somehow, become Starsky.)

Fringy average Even a mathematically precise term like "average" has a gradient of understanding. Players can be just plain average or they can be fringy-average or solid-average and so on.

Bat misser As the name would suggest, this term is used for pitches that draw a lot of swing-and-miss strikes.

Worm killer Despite the preponderance of outdoorsmen in baseball, this is not a fishing reference but an allusion to pitchers who induce a lot of groundballs.

Good Face, High Ass: The Baseball Scouting Glossary published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv