#but is also a relationship in which one of the parties spent several years going to different wars and practising army medicine

[philsmeatylegss]

*Types into search bar*

“How to still be an active fan of a creator when previously being an obsessive fan for most of your teens because they were one of the few good things keeping you from killing yourself in middle school so now trying to become a more casual fan feels like a betrayal and I cannot get into new fandoms because the high I got in middle school from the extreme emotion switch cannot be replicated both because I’m literally twenty and I’m far from suicidal so now and I love these creators with my whole heart and still engage with all of their new content but I want to move on while also still being a fan but I just can’t?”

[variousqueerthings]

i will simply by virtue of who i am read aromanticism into things, but mash really does make it astonishingly easy for me

[gemissleeping]

Sea Foam | Chapter Three

Theodore Nott x Siren!Reader

Read the other Chapters here.

Summary: It’s been three weeks since Theo found you by the Black Lake, and he’s tried his best to respect your wishes. But it hasn’t done anything to help either of you, and all of your efforts come crashing down in the bathroom at a Slytherin party.

Length: 2.1k

Notes: More of a Theo POV than the usual. Angry Theo. Teenage boys being teenage boys (foul and icky, nsfw language). Overbearing best friend Blaise. Smoking Theo. Slightly intoxicated reader. Soft Theo. Tears. I did not proofread this at all you have been warned, pls do tell me if there are any errors. Listen to Cinnamon Girl by Lana if you’d like to go through it. ily enjoy!

“You’re staring again,” Blaise grumbled under his breath from beside Theo in Divination. It had been three weeks since Theo had found you on the shoreline. Dressed only in your nightgown in the height of the winter frost. That crestfallen look on your face while the wind had bitten at you both. He’d tried his best to respect your wishes since then; making sure to steer clear of you whenever he could, to stop flitting through your mind like it was his favourite novel. He’d tried his best and still he’d failed, over and over.

He knew it was wrong, but he was beyond help. Slipping into your mind was unbearably easy. So much so, that he’d found himself doing it purely by accident on a few occasions, and he couldn’t quite figure out why. He knew you could practice occlumency, had even witnessed you obliterate Malfoy’s attempt at invading your mind in a Defence Against the Dark Arts class last year. Yet you barely even seemed to notice when he did it. Your apparent lack of awareness only made it harder for Theo to stop himself.

“Sorry,” Theo mumbled, blinking his trance away as he glanced over to Blaise with a dull apology. Blaise and Theo had become fast friends in First Year. After Cormack had made a comment about Theo’s Mother on the train, and Blaise had responded by hitting him right between the eyes. Blaise and Theo were close. Though not as close as you, Milli and Blaise were. Everyone knew that the three of you were utterly inseparable. Having met long before the rest of them at Hogwarts.

Unfortunately, it also meant that Blaise had adopted a tendency towards being irritatingly over-protective of you. Likely for good reason; Theo hadn’t made the best of impressions when it came to his relationships with women. They were often fleeting, borne of convenience and nothing more.

Which was exactly why Blaise was currently pissed with him. Blaise spent an awful lot of his time watching people. Regrettably, for Theo that included him, and these days he spent most of his time firmly stuck on you. To say Blaise wasn’t pleased would have been an understatement.

At this point, he may as well have been your damn guard dog, and Theo was tiring of the act quickly. He’d spent years wanting to know you, outside of the occasional class project. Years of pretending you didn’t exist for Blaise’s sake. When really, you were a large part of the reason that he had never settled on anyone to begin with.

Theo turned back to his parchment, huffing as he saw the ink stain leaking across the page. That, along with several half-finished notes, provided rather damning evidence of his distraction.

He stole a glance over at you again, keeping his head low in the hopes Blaise wouldn’t catch him. You were sitting beneath the window, stuck in a daydream of your own as Trelawney prattled on. Eyes misted over, one hand woven through your hair as you rested on it.

You were lovely.

Theo wasn’t sure how long it had been since he had resumed his staring. But as Trelawney brought the lesson to a close, the dull edge of a textbook collided with the side of his head in a singular, harsh thud. Breaking his focus on you as he looked up in bewilderment to Blaise, who stood with his edition of Astrology for the Ungifted raised.

“Git.” He hissed, lowering the book with scathing eyes.

Theo didn’t see you for the rest of the afternoon, not with Blaise practically escorting him to their dorm as soon as Divination concluded. Enzo was already there, lazily slung across his desk chair. Brow raised as Blaise entered in a huff, Theo trailing behind him in defeat. There was supposed to be a party in the Common Room tonight. But right now it wasn’t looking like Theo would be in for a particularly enjoyable evening.

“I know what you’re trying to do. You want to fuck her.”

“I don’t want to fuck her,” Theo winced at his friend’s choice of words.

“You don’t want to fuck her? You don’t want to fuck her?” Blaise rounded, textbook jabbing at Theo’s chest incredulously. Theo groaned, knowing Blaise wouldn’t rest until he knew Theo was being honest with him.

“No, I- fuck, fine. Yes, I want to. Of course I do, but that’s not-”

“Not what? Forgive me for my utter faith in your fucking abysmal track record. But she is my best fucking friend Theo.” Blaise snapped, turning from the boy’s dead-eyed stare and viciously tugging at his tie as he stalked towards his bed. Whipping it from his neck in a surge of anger.

Enzo rolled his bottom lip between his teeth. Watching the display unfold with anxious eyes as Matt cracked the bathroom door open, lighting up with sadistic intrigue. The pair exchanged a glance, the former silently begging the latter not to stick his foot in.

Theo felt his chest tighten at Blaise’s words. His hand running roughly along his jaw, trying to soothe his irritation. Gazing at the ornate wooden panels on the ceiling with a sigh before he attempted to break through to him again. It was out in the open now at least, it likely couldn’t get worse.

“You don’t understand, she-”

“Please, Nott. Tell me what I don’t understand about the girl I’ve known since she was three years old.” Blaise bellowed, reigniting as he swung back to the taller boy. The click of the door interrupted them.

“What’s with all the shouting? I can hear you fools from the hall,” Malfoy droned, bored as he kicked the door shut behind him. Flicking his wand to cast some sort of muffling charm across it.

“Fuck off, Malfoy.” Blaise sneered, not even glancing over to acknowledge his friend’s arrival. The words feeling far more aimed towards Theo than the blonde. Draco only sighed, moving past the both of them.

“None of you ever thank me for anything that I do for you,” He grumbled in response. Throwing a stack of books onto his bed before going to shove Matt out of the bathroom.

“If you even think about fucking touching her-” Blaise continued, steam practically rising from his skin as he narrowed in on Theo again.

“Oh, he has.” Matt interrupted, leaning back against Enzo’s desk with folded arms. Theo shooting him a heavy glare as Matt only smirked back knowingly. An expression Enzo swiftly answered by scolding him with a kick to the shin.

“Look at me, Nott,” Blaise demanded. His voice low, lip curling back in a sneer, “I’ll skin you, understand?”

“Listen, I-” Theo started, his own voice rising as his attention shifted back to Blaise, irritation swelling. But he was impossible to reason with when he was like this, everyone knew it.

“You don’t fuck with her,” Blaise cut in, his voice soaked with finality. Standing before Theo while his chest heaved with anger, book still clutched in his accusatory palm. Theo could feel his own restraint unwrapping. The other’s eyes on them only pushing him further into that corner of himself. He needed air, now. Or else he was going to do something he couldn’t undo. Then you were certain to never speak to him again.

Hands raised in silent surrender, he backed away from Blaise. Jaw set as he plucked his jacket from the end of his bed, turning for the door. Enzo’s tired sigh leaked through the dorm as he pulled it open harshly, likely readying himself to chastise Blaise. Something he’d also likely do to Theo when he caught him later. Though if he had any luck today, maybe Enzo and the others would already be drunk by the time he got back.

He made for the edge of the forest. Rolling a cigarette as he went, trying not to bite down on the filter between his teeth from residual disdain. The icy air was a small mercy, quenching the heat running through him almost immediately. For hours he stood out there, letting the smoke in to empty out all of the things he didn’t want to feel. Watching as the moon chased the sun down to the horizon.

The party would be well underway. God willing you hopefully had yourself tangled in someone else by now. At least then Theo might have been able to give himself a proper reason to stop, smooth things over with Blaise. Though he had begun to doubt if even that would work.

Theo made his way through the tangle of writhing bodies in the heat of the Common Room. No desire to taint himself further with the desperate need to forget that rolled off of the sweaty air. Matt was by the stairs, where the crowd thinned out at its edges. More enticed by the girl whose cigarette he was lighting than by any questions he might’ve had for Theo, as he continued his path to the dorms.

He had meant to go straight there. To take off his jacket, untie his shoelaces. Instead he found himself headed past his door, down to one of the communal bathrooms that lined the dormitory halls. He wasn’t sure why, until something tugged at him. Drawing him to push open the bathroom door; and there you were.

Gaze flitting to his hazily in the mirror. Eyeliner smudged, haloing your eyes. You stilled where you had been standing, as if he had walked straight out of your thoughts. Softening as you took in his wind kissed hair, and he the tremble of your fingers on the countertop. Theo pushed himself away, against the pull of his chest, away from what he wanted. He made for the door again, unsure of why he had allowed himself to be led to you to begin with.

“You weren’t at Dinner,” you called softly, not daring to turn and look at him without a reflection between you. He stilled, one hand on the door as his heart hammered at his ribs.

“You told me to stay away,” he answered simply. Afraid to turn around in case what he saw laying in your eyes only salted the wound some more.

“Not that far.”

You breathed, turning to face him. Eyes aching to touch his cheek, graze across his thoughts, his desires. Theo’s hand dropped from the door, chest swelling from your proclamation. He could feel his breathing falter, hear the force of it. He turned hesitantly, a rasp collecting in his throat.

“Well how far would you like me?”

He saw your breath hitch, didn’t even have to scratch at your mind. You seemed to be leaking into his on your own accord. He could hear just how far you wanted him, and it wasn’t far at all.

Your lips parted, so he made sure to be the first to speak. To save you both the trouble.

“You’re drunk.”

You shook your head, eyes growing glassy with the salt of tears as you moved towards where he leant against the door.

“I’ve been getting your little messages. The ones you keep leaving for me to find,” he murmured. Suddenly enraptured by his hands as his voice creased over his words.

“Theo-”

“It’s unbearable for me. Is it like that for you too?” He cracked, eyes flashing up to yours. Entirely afraid before you, before the possible weight of your answer. Because the truth was he couldn’t tell. He couldn’t tell which words were real and which you fed him to keep him at arm’s length. He searched you, begging for any kind of answer, but hoping only for one.

“Yes.”

Your tears spilled in an instant, and maybe you were a little drunk, but you were also sure that it didn’t change any of it. He knew as much, taking a tender step towards you to grasp your cheek. Running his thumb along the soft skin to collect your tears.

“This trance you seem to think I’m under,” Theo clarified, eyes lingering on yours as his thumb continued its path. Despite no longer having any need to do so. “It’s lasted five years already,” he breathed, “it’s not going to pass any time soon.”

You paused, smudged eyes widening as you gazed up at him. His confession sucking the air out of your lungs until you could no longer doubt that you needed him. You simply watched him for a moment, as though debating whether to say something you wouldn’t be able to swallow. The one thing that was still holding you back.

“I don’t know how to stop myself.”

“Then don’t,” he whispered, leaning closer to brush a strand of hair from your eyes. “You don’t need to be scared of wanting this.”

Theo drew back slightly, letting his fingertips linger. Brushing through the strands of your hair, behind your ear. His voice gentle, certain, “I’ll be here, whenever you’re ready.”

Keep an eye out for Chapter Four here, or comment to be added to the tag list for future updates <3

Taglist: @hemlockmuncher @hoeforvinniehackerrr @moonlightttfae @thecraziestcrayon @itssomeonereading @leona-hawthorne @liaaanie @not-so-bad-ass @wildestdreamslover @slytherinboysappreciation @nat1221 @melllinaa @aykxz98 @chgrch if i missed anyone please let me know!

[writershapeholeonthedoor]

Mayores

Pairing: Scarlett Johansson x Fem!Reader

Summary: Someone sends you flowers and your girlfriend isn't happy about it.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language. Also, this was requested by one of you. Thank you for the request, anon!

MASTERLIST

You spent most of your life being disappointed at all the people you tried to date.

Don't take it the wrong way, but there was always something that displeased you in a way that you couldn’t brush off. Your first girlfriend would do overly romantic gestures that you were fairly sure she was getting ideas from the rom-com she was fascinated with. The relationship didn’t last that long, although she kept the record of the most amount of gifts any girlfriend ever gave you for many years after that. The girl that came after her was the complete opposite, difficult to show any emotions and very closed off. You fell hard, of course, and had your heart broken several times by her. She cheated, she lied, she manipulated, and she wouldn’t even tell you she loved you unless it was when you found out about another one of her affairs. You made yourself go through that hell for nearly three years.

After that, you vowed to give yourself some time to recover, to be alone and think about your own life. You were almost done with college at that point but that didn’t stop you from suddenly becoming the party girl you couldn’t be for the last few years. None of your one-night stands were remarkable enough for you to want a second round with them, even when some would ask and beg for it. It was fun, but you also met every type of girl in your adventures.

When you finally met someone again and tried to start a new relationship, things just didn’t work out. No dramas, it just didn’t. It was nice at first, but the spark was gone so fast that you two became friends very quickly. You were done with college soon after you broke up, so you packed your things and moved to NY.

It's not like you made a conscious decision not to date anyone. You didn’t put any walls around your heart or anything like that. What happened was that no one seemed to be able to catch your attention for more than a few dates. It was like they would bore you somehow, which was insane to think because you were sure they were all great people.

Just not the right ones for you.

So you kept living in NY while going through a small rampage of quick dates. You found a job, you started your career, you got yourself a nice apartment that was way more expensive than you thought it should be, you made some friends, and you lived the freedom of the early twenties.

Until you met her.

Scarlett Johansson popped up in your life out of nowhere, as if she had appeared out of thin air, but she soon proved to be very different from anyone else you knew. You couldn’t pinpoint exactly what made her so different from the rest, but you figured it out after a while. She was older than you, she was already divorced, she had experience. She had experience.

It didn’t take long for you to fall for her, head first and without going back. How could you not? How could you not fall for her when she did things that no one else had ever done for you?

Scarlett would open the doors for you - and it would never fail to make you blush. She would bring you flowers, but not only when she was picking you up for a date - no, she was always pampering you with flowers, sometimes sending you a bouquet even when she was traveling and currently on the other side of the ocean. She would treat you to fancy dinners and expensive wines, and take you to try dishes you never even heard about. She would call you "darling" and kiss your cheek in public, although she wasn’t usually holding your hand - her hand was normally at your lower back, guiding you gently but with no hesitation. Scarlett would give you small gifts all the time too - you picked up on the fact that you would talk about a book you wanted to read one day and said book would be waiting for you in the next one. Scarlett even renounced her side of the bed because that was your favorite.

Overall, Scarlett was a true gentleman.

Except when you were inside the bedroom.

Oh, when you were inside the bedroom things were very different.

She never truly forewent her gentleman persona since she would whisper sweet nothings in your ear while pounding you mercilessly on the bed. Scarlett would pull your hair and kiss your jaw sweetly at the same time. She would ruin you and then go up your body kissing every inch of your skin while also telling you how good you were. She would call you a slut and, after you had the best orgasm in your life, she would prepare you a hot bath where she would rub your feet and tell you how much she loves you.

That’s why you were so damn surprised with the conversation that took place that night.

“Thank you for the flowers,” you said while peeling a potato.

Scarlett was cutting up bacon into cubes beside you, but she hit the knife a bit harder after she heard what you said. “I didn’t send you flowers.”

She looked at you with one quirked eyebrow, clearly asking you for more information, but you were too busy trying to fight back a blush. When you were called in the middle of your workday to go to the reception table to sign off a delivery, you were already halfway expecting it to be flowers. Scarlett didn’t make a habit of sending things to your work - unless you shamefully admitted you skipped a meal and she made a goal of trying to feed you - but you also never received anything unless it wasn’t for something Scarlett sent you.

So, when you got there and saw the bouquet, you immediately assumed it had been from your girlfriend, although you didn’t have time to send her a quick text to thank her because you needed to rush for a meeting and couldn’t take your phone with you. You were busy until closing hours and, since you had plans with Scarlett that night, you didn’t bother texting her, just deciding to thank her in person.

Which was what you were trying to do.

“What do you mean?” You asked with your head tilted to the side.

“I didn’t send you anything,” Scarlett repeated, now putting the knife down to fully look at you. “You received flowers today?”

“Yes,” you still sounded confused when you also stopped peeling the potatoes. “It wasn’t you?”

“No, no it wasn’t.” Her voice was firm now, leaving no room for arguments, and you could see her jaw clenching a bit. “Who sent you flowers?”

“Babe, I thought it was you!” You were fast to try to explain, even though you weren’t exactly sure how you could explain something like that. “I don’t know who - Oh.”

Oh, indeed.

The thought crossed your mind while you were talking, but that was the only thing that could make sense. If Scarlett hadn’t been the one to send you the flowers, there was only one other option for who did it. And it was bad because, sure, you didn’t want to receive flowers from anyone but your girlfriend, but the fact that it was that particular person who did it made it a thousand times worse.

Scarlett must have picked on your reaction because she raised one eyebrow at you, clearly not amused at all. “What does ‘oh’ mean?” You didn’t reply since you weren’t sure if it was a good idea to do so, although it only resulted in Scarlett crossing her arms while she glared at you. “Y/N.”

It was a warning, you knew that much. It usually happened when you were making too much noise when she was fucking you somewhere you might get caught or when you tried to distract her from her work by walking around naked around the house. It always came to you to decide if you would take the risk to keep pushing your limits or if you would back down - and, of course, sometimes you just kept pushing just to see what she would do to you.

That wasn’t the time for that, though.

The mood wasn’t set for sexy times. Scarlett seemed mad and impatient.

“Uh, I might know who sent them,” you admitted and watched as her eyes narrowed. “Are you sure it wasn’t you, though? Maybe you forgot about it.”

“Forgot?” Scarlett repeated the word with a scoff. “I would’ve done it in my sleep for me not to be able to remember if I sent my girlfriend flowers or not.”

Well, fine, so there was no hope for you. “Okay.” You bit your bottom lip and looked down at your feet. “Don’t be mad,” you plead in a whisper.

You were still looking down, but you heard Scarlett sighing before you felt her soft hands touching your face. She prompted you to raise your head, which you did, and you saw she was making an effort to wash the anger from her features. “I’m not mad,” Scarlett said and, despite it all, she sounded honest. Her thumbs were making soothing circles on your cheeks and you felt yourself relaxing when she smiled at you. “I’m sorry if it looked like I was. I was just caught off guard, that’s all.”

You nodded to let her know it was okay, but you still whimpered a bit. “It’s not really my fault.”

“I know it’s not.” Scarlett pulled you for a hug, making you rest your head on her shoulder as she kissed your forehead. “I’m sorry, princess. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was mad at you.”

You knew she wouldn’t actually be mad with you about it. Scarlett was way more laid back about it than you, for sure, so you weren’t honestly worried about it even for a second. If things happened the other way around - if Scarlett had been the one receiving flowers from someone who was trying to hit on her - you would be livid too. Not at her - the same way her anger wasn’t directed at you - but you also would’ve been in a much worse mood.

No one could blame you for pushing things a little bit, though. Not really. Because you knew Scarlett would comfort you and that she would jump in to make you feel safe in her arms, loved and cared for - and maybe that’s the exact reason you always pushed your limits around her.

“I, uh, I might know who sent them,” you declared once you pulled away a bit shyly. Scarlett nodded in encouragement for you to keep talking, so you did. “I had a meeting yesterday with someone from another company. It was just business, really, but I noticed that this guy wouldn’t stop looking at me and, when the meeting was over, he walked towards me to ask for my number so we could ‘discuss more personal matters’.” You made the quotation marks with your fingers while you rolled your eyes at the memory. It had pissed you off the day before and it was pissing you off again now that you were remembering it. “I told him I wasn’t interested and he walked away. I thought he got the message.” The last part was said with a groan as you pinched the bridge of your nose.

That made Scarlett’s expression shift to something assembling worry and concern. “Has he made you uncomfortable?”

“Just annoyed,” you sighed and shrugged. “He didn’t insist. But he apparently sent me flowers today, so I don’t know how I feel about that.” The conversation with the man had been strictly professional and you couldn’t imagine what happened to make him think he could send you flowers like that. You did care that he hadn’t taken the hint and was insisting, but, at the same time, you couldn’t care less if he suddenly had a crush on you. You had the most perfect woman beside you, you didn’t need or want anyone else.

Scarlett nodded and leaned to kiss your forehead again, more firmly now to offer you some comfort, before she offered you a grin. “Well, if he tries something like that again, you let me know,” she asked before her grin became a bit devious. “I could ask Hemsworth to give him a piece of mind.”

You laughed as you pictured the scene. A man like Hemsworth - a muscle mountain - walking inside someone’s office to defend your honor on Scarlett’s behalf. “I think he would shit his pants if he ever saw Hemsworth in front of him.”

“That would work perfectly for me.” Scarlett shrugged, now sounding amused about the whole thing.

You chuckled happily and gave your girlfriend a quick peck. “Thank you. There’s no need to call in anyone in this situation. Yet,” you added as a later thought, noticing how Scarlett got serious again. “I promise I will tell you it keeps happening. If he sends me something else, I will go to my boss about it as well. He might do something about it.” The man worked for a company that your boss was thinking about making some transactions, so that could actually work in your favor if he decides to give the dude a little scare. Your boss was an older man with four daughters and seven granddaughters. You were sure he would be even angrier than Scarlett if he ever heard about that story.

“Okay,” your girlfriend conceded. “I will let you handle that for now, but you come to me if you need any help. Deal?”

“Deal,” you agreed quickly with a little smile, happy to be given that trust to handle things for yourself first.

You loved it when Scarlett took over to solve your problems because you trusted her blindly to always make the best decisions and to get things done. Sometimes you got too overwhelmed by everything and it was nice to rely on someone else. This time, however, you were sure you could deal with things alone. You would get to your office the next day and send the guy a very straightforward email to let him know he shouldn’t be sending you any more gifts and that your conversations would remain only work related, and see how things go after that.

The best part of having someone like Scarlett was that you knew that, if things didn’t work out how you wanted them to, you could come to her at any time and she would jump right in to help you. You knew that she wouldn’t actually call her castmate to help scare some grow-up man - logistically, it would be hard to do it since Hemsworth was currently in his home back in Australia - but Scarlett was a very skilled woman herself. She would know no boundaries to protect you.

With that in mind, you placed your arms around her shoulders, letting your wrists meet behind her neck, and took a step forward to get closer to her. “My knight in shining armor,” you sang provocatively before giving her a kiss.

“Hm,” Scarlett moaned against your mouth, causing a content sigh to escape your lips and you both pulled away a few inches. “Maybe he needs to know that you’re taken,” she suggested.

“Oh, I am?” You tried to sound as innocent as possible, though you knew it just sounded like you were teasing her. You didn’t care. The mood had shifted and you now wanted to push your limits again.

“Yes.’ Scarlett’s voice was firm, but it was the way that her hands gripped your hips to pull you against her that made you gasp. “Haven’t you noticed it yet? That you’re mine.” She was smiling now, her green eyes going darker by the second, and you suddenly felt like you were a few seconds away from dying right then and there. “All mine,” Scarlett whispered with a hoarse tone and your knees lost some of their strength.

“I know.” You eagerly nodded because, yes, you knew that. You made yourself hers.

Scarlett smiled even brighter and she leaned over to hide her face in the crook of your neck. You felt her lips brushing against your skin, although she didn’t touch you. “Do you really? Maybe a reminder would do some good.” Finally, an open-mouthed kiss was pressed against your pulse point and you felt goosebumps going up and down your spine. “Maybe a little mark so everyone knows you belong to someone else.”

“Scarlett,” you moaned both at her words and the sensation of her tongue darting out to lick a path on your skin.

“Yes, darling?” Scarlett sounded amused, which almost made you roll your eyes at her.

“If you don’t take me to your room right now to keep up your word, I will be sending your flowers back from now on,” you threatened and, even if you both knew it was a blatant lie, it did the trick.

“Hm, we can’t let that happen,” Scarlett joked before she pulled away to look at you again.

The next day, you came back from a meeting and saw a life-sized bouquet on top of your desk with a small card written in Scarlett’s beautiful cursive letter.

“To my beautiful girlfriend,

You own my love

and I promise to protect your heart.

SJ”

You decided to forego the email idea. No, you would do something even better. You would call the stupid man to your office so he could see for himself that he was nothing compared to your girlfriend.

And, if you had three new hickeys in your neck that he might see, well, that was just a consequence.

[chelseachilly]

i want your midnights

pairing: reader x ben chilwell summary: sequel to i watched it begin again - a month after your amazing first date with ben, you decide to surprise him by showing up at the same new year's party...only to soon wonder if you made a mistake and misinterpreted his feelings for you? warnings: none word count: 2.9k

author's note: a lot of people asked for a part 2 to begin again so i decided to write this little new year's fic! i planned on getting it done by the new year but life got super busy, so i hope you don't mind it nearly two weeks later haha 💗✨

-

Just over a month after your first date with Ben, you find yourself standing in front of his best friend’s doorstep with shaking hands and your heart thumping in your chest. 

Harvey is hosting a New Year’s Eve party, and although you were invited, you weren’t planning on going until today. You spent the holidays up at your parent’s house a few hours away and were planning on spending New Year’s there as well, but Mia spent the past few days convincing you to come and eventually wore you down. 

Truthfully, the only reason you were hesitant about coming is that you knew Ben would be there. It’s not that you don’t want to see him - quite the opposite, actually. The past month since you started seeing each other has been wonderful. You’ve been on several amazing dates, including a couple that ended with you spending the night. It’s been fun and passionate and exciting and unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before. 

You also haven’t fully defined anything yet, still waiting for the right opportunity to have that conversation. Although you’re certain about your feelings for him, you don’t want to rush into anything after the mess of your last relationship, nor do you want to scary Ben away with asking him to commit too early. 

Which is why you’re now questioning your decision to show up here, and even more so your decision to surprise him. It felt like a good idea when he FaceTimed you on Christmas and seemed disappointed you weren’t coming, so you swore Mia to secrecy, but now that you’re actually here, it’s feeling a bit presumptuous that he would want you to show up unannounced. 

It’s too late to turn back now, though, as the door swings open and Mia and Harvey are pulling you inside.

“I’m so glad you came, babe!” Mia exclaims, hugging you tight. “You look fit as fuck.”

You’re in a little black dress and matching heels, and though you felt good about how you look when you left the house, you’re feeling more and more self-conscious.

“Thanks, you look gorgeous as well,” you smile back at her. “Thanks for having me, Harvey.”

“Of course, Y/N, I reckon Chilly will be thanking me too,” Harvey laughs. “He’s over there somewhere, he’ll be buzzing when he sees you.”

You can feel the blush creeping on your cheeks as your eyes scan the room looking for Ben. You’re not sure if you’re more nervous or excited to see him, but when you finally spot him, you know it’s the latter. He’s standing there in a group of people, smiling and chatting away with a drink in his hand, looking so gorgeous it’s honestly unfair. The same butterflies that have appeared in your stomach from the first time you laid eyes on him and every time since begin to flutter. 

It only takes a few moments for him to spot you over the shoulder of one of his friends, and you watch him do a double take before his eyes widen and a huge grin appears on his face. 

He sets his drink down and jogs over to your group, his eyes never leaving yours.

“Y/N! You came!” he exclaims, and you don’t get a chance to respond before he’s pulling you into a hug.

You hug him back, burying your face in his chest and breathing in his scent. It’s only been a week since you last saw him, but you haven’t stopped thinking about him for a single moment of that time apart. You were trying to enjoy the holiday season and time with your family, but your mind was replaying the sound of Ben’s laughter and the feeling of his kisses all over your body.

“Yeah, my plans changed,” you say with a smile as you pull back to look at him. 

“I’m so happy to see you,” Ben says, his hand lingering on your waist before dropping to his side, and you immediately miss his touch. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

You’re hoping that he’ll whisk you away somewhere for a few minutes, as you’re desperately wanting to kiss him right now but not sure you’re at the stage where you can casually do that in front of loads of people. 

“Vodka soda, right?” Ben asks, and you nod. 

You love that he knows your drink order already, but you can’t help but feel a tinge of disappointment as he walks away, leaving you to chat with your friends.

He returns a minute later with drinks for both of you, passing you the glass and clinking it with his own. 

“Thanks, Ben,” you say with a small smile, taking a sip and hoping the alcohol gives you a bit of courage. 

The four of you chat for a bit, catching up on how all your Christmases were, and you and Ben occasionally meet each other’s gaze and exchange a soft smile. You’ve spent quite a bit of time with Ben by now, but it’s a different dynamic being in a group, even if they are your closest friends. You’re having a nice time, but you’re longing for an opportunity to get him alone - not only to kiss him senseless, but to talk and maybe even define your situation a bit more.

After a while, an upbeat song comes on and you all head to the main living room where most of the partygoers are to dance. It’s fairly crowded and you end up standing close enough to Ben that you can feel his breath on the back of your neck and his chest brushing up against your back. You don’t pull away, enjoying the closeness, but still wishing he would wrap his arms around you properly. 

You turn back to look at him after a minute or two and your heart flutters when you find him looking right back at you. You wonder if he’s also waiting for an opportunity to be alone with you - and then you wonder if anyone would notice if you took him by the hand right now and led him into some quiet corner of the house. 

“Y/N…” Ben begins to say, inching closer toward you, but he’s cut off by a small squeal from behind you. 

You turn to see a rather large wine stain on Mia’s white dress from someone bumping into her. 

“Shit, this was expensive,” she sighs. “And I don’t have anything to change into.”

“You can wear something of mine,” Harvey says quickly, trying to help, but Mia immediately shoots him a glare. 

“Babe, it’s New Year’s, I don’t want to be walking around in your trackies and a baggy t-shirt-“

“Hey, it’s alright,” you interrupt, setting your drink down and grabbing Mia’s hands. “We can get the stain out. C’mon, I’ll help you.”

You abandon the guys to deal with this fashion crisis, gathering the supplies you need in the kitchen before heading upstairs to the bathroom. As you’re blotting Mia’s dress with dish soap and hydrogen peroxide, a trick your mum taught you, she takes the opportunity to interrogate you.

“So, are you finally going to tell Ben you want to make it official?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“Maybe,” you say, a small grin tugging at your lips. “I want to. I’m just still a bit nervous. After everything that happened with Jack, I don’t want to get hurt like that again. And I already like Ben so much, which is terrifying.”

“He obviously likes you a lot too,” Mia assures you. “Harvey says he talks about you all the time, and did you see his face when you turned up earlier? I bet he’s just waiting for you to bring it up.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” you agree, finishing up your removal of the stain until there’s no evidence of the wine spill remaining on Mia’s dress. “There you go, good as new.”

“You’re a lifesaver, babe,” Mia smiles, pulling you into a tight hug. “I’m going to dry this off a bit, but you should go down and spend time with your man.” 

“He’s not my man,” you remind her.

“Not yet!”

You roll your eyes affectionately as you leave Mia to blow dry her dress and head back downstairs to the party, feeling slightly more confident after the chat with your best friend. 

You’re ready to march right up to Ben and finally tell him that you’re ready to make things official, that you haven’t been able to get him out of your head since your first date and that you’re totally, completely falling for him.

As you descend the staircase, your eyes scan the room for Ben until you spot him - talking to an insanely beautiful girl in the corner of the room. 

Your heart drops to your stomach as you see how he’s smiling at her while she squeezes his arm and says something that makes him laugh.

You feel like a complete idiot. 

You shouldn’t have come here tonight expecting him to be waiting around, hoping for you to turn up. You haven’t had any conversations about being exclusive, and he’s a bloody gorgeous footballer who could get any girl at this party. He could’ve invited this girl himself for all you know. 

You just got caught up in the excitement of seeing him and all the feelings that have been swirling around in your chest since you met him, not thinking about the reality of the situation. It’s been a month - an absolutely wonderful, magical month, yes, but only one month. You were a fool for getting so ahead of yourself when, truthfully, you don’t know if Ben even wants a serious relationship. You were under the impression that’s where this was going, but he never explicitly said anything.

With your eyes stinging with tears and a sudden urge to be anywhere but here, you decide to slip out the back door to the small garden behind the house. You know you could just go home, but it’s nearly midnight and you don’t want Mia to see you leaving and spoil her New Year’s too. 

You’ll just have to stand out here, shivering in nothing but your dress, until the clock strikes twelve and you can slip out without raising too much suspicion. Maybe you can get Mia to tell Ben you have food poisoning, or something - it’s less embarrassing than the truth. 

Your mind is racing with thoughts of all the moments you and Ben have shared over the past weeks, all the times you felt in your bones that this was going to be something real. 

As the clock on your phone reminds you it’s creeping closer to midnight, you hear the sound of the back door opening and closing. Assuming it’s someone coming out to smoke, you quickly wipe the tears from your cheeks and plaster on a smile as you try to think of a reason you’re standing out here alone.

Instead, you’re met with the familiar pair of blue eyes that make your heart stop beating for a moment.

Ben.

“Y/N, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” he says with a small sigh of relief. “What are you doing out here? It’s almost midnight!”

“Just needed a bit of air,” you respond, trying to keep your voice from trembling. 

“Are you alright?” he asks as he approaches you, his eyes filled with concern. “You must be freezing, love, here-“

Before you can respond, he’s already shrugging off his jacket and draping it over your bare shoulders, just like he did on your first date. This time, he lingers afterward and gently tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. The sweet gesture, combined with the way he’s looking at you with such tenderness and admiration, makes tears begin to build in your eyes once more. 

You never should’ve let yourself believe that he would want to be with someone like you. If you weren’t good enough for your shitty ex, how could you ever be enough for someone as wonderful as Ben?

“Love, you’re worrying me, did something happen?” Ben asks, his use of the term of endearment only making things worse.

You take a step back from him, shaking your head.

“I shouldn’t have come tonight,” you murmur. “I mean, I shouldn’t have assumed that you would want me to come. I think I just misread things between us and I’m really sorry that I-“

“Y/N, what are you talking about?” Ben interjects, his face full of confusion. “Of course I wanted you to come. I was so happy when you showed up, where is this coming from?”

“I saw you talking to that girl inside and it seemed like there was something going on, which is totally fine, I know we aren’t exclusive or anything-“

“Shit, Y/N, that was just my friend Hannah,” Ben says quickly. “She’s actually the girlfriend of one of my best mates, you remember Anish?”

Slowly processing his words, you recall briefly meeting Anish when he popped by Ben’s once while you were over. You also remember him mentioning his girlfriend. 

“I’m so sorry you thought something was happening there, I wouldn’t do that,” he says sincerely. “And not just because you came tonight, for the record. I don’t think I’ve actually even properly looked at another girl since I met you.”

Your cheeks flush red, both at his words and the embarrassment you’re feeling for overreacting to the situation. You stare down at your shoes, unable to meet his gaze, until he steps closer to you and gently cups your face, forcing you to look at him. 

“Y/N, I like you so much. You’re the only girl I want to ring in the New Year with, the only girl I want to be with period,” Ben says, stroking your cheek with his thumb. “I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear earlier, I just thought after everything that happened with your ex you might not want to rush into something serious.”

Your heart swells with affection and you reach up to hold his forearm, both for stability since your knees have gone weak and because you need to touch him. 

“I only want to be with you, too,” you whisper, afraid your voice will falter if you speak too loudly. “And I’m sorry I made assumptions. I guess my ex did mess with my head a little bit.”

“Well, he’s a dickhead who didn’t deserve you,” Ben says, making you laugh softly. “But don’t apologize to me. We’ll just be more honest with each other from now on, yeah?”

You nod and smile at him until you’re interrupted by a flurry of activity from inside the house. Through the window, you can see people beginning to crowd together in the living room to count down to midnight. Glancing at Ben’s watch, you can see there’s only a minute left. 

“Do you want to go inside with everyone else?” you ask him.

Ben just smiles and shakes his head. “I’d rather stay out here and celebrate with my girlfriend, if that’s okay with you?”

Your heart races and your breath catches in your throat at his casual statement, the word replaying in your mind from the moment it leaves his lips.

He looks at you a bit nervously, perhaps concerned that you’ll be overwhelmed by this new title, but your lips spread into a grin.

“That sounds perfect.” 

Before Ben can respond, the people inside begin to count down from ten. He pulls you closer by the waist, thumbs rubbing circles on your hips, and you place a hand on his stubbly cheek. 

As the countdown draws closer to the end, you marvel at how safe and content you feel right now in Ben’s arms. You think about how this year was one of the hardest of your life, and how you never could’ve predicted that it would end with you being this happy, with the most wonderful man who taught you how to trust again. Who taught you how to fall in love again, even if it’s a bit too soon to say those words to him. 

“Three…two…one…”

The chorus of people shouting “happy new year!” is muffled as Ben presses his lips to yours, making you melt into him. You wrap your arms around his neck, and he sighs into the kiss when you sink your fingers into his hair. 

When his tongue slides into your mouth, you respond with equal passion, kissing him with everything you have until you’re both left breathless.

When you break apart, Ben rests his forehead against yours. Your eyes flutter open slowly and you’re met with the most amazing sight you’ve ever seen in your life.

There are fireworks above you in every direction, a spectacle of light and colour, but you’re completely enraptured by the blue eyes and gorgeous smile in front of you.

“Happy New Year, love,” Ben whispers, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead.

It’s going to be a very Happy New Year indeed - maybe the happiest you’ve ever had. And as you lean in to kiss your new boyfriend again and again, you think about how despite all the pain you went through, you wouldn’t have changed a thing about the last one either. After all, it led you to this moment - it led you to Ben. 

“Happy New Year, Ben.”

-

i really hope you liked this part 2! 💙🎆 please feel free to send me an ask or leave a comment if you enjoyed, i really appreciate them!

[quitealotofsodapop]

I can easily imagine a situation where Wukong is actually fem or trans actually. Like, China, especially ancient China, is a hugely patriarchal society, and Wukong is born into a matriarchal society. One that has a pretty significant language barrier considering Wukong describes speaking chinese or any none monkey language really as "speaking human." It's easy to imagine a situation where there wasn't really a good descriptor for what Wukong was to her tribe other than "Chief" or "King" or little baby Wukong not knowing the proper pronouns to a language he's not quite fluent in yet accidentally claiming herself to be King when Queen or Chieftess would be a more appropriate title. And history just... never realizes it was a translation mistake or that Wukong was actually a girl until MK becomes Wukong's successor. It could even be a situation where Wukong hid her gender when one considers the views of women at the time and the fact she spent several years in the presence of a very aggressive flirt and pervert, even if Baijie probably wouldn't have ever actually done anything just his presence done would make her uncomfortable

Just little ideas based in what you said about the story not really changing much if Wukong were female

Prev.

I can def see a situation in LMK where Wukong identifies as a girl (personal hc is genderfluid) and just... got tired of correcting people.

Younger Wukong didn't exactly have the correct word for her status amongst the troop in "Human" language so she uses "King" since it's the closest. "Queen" didn't sound right cus that meant the King's mate from what she saw.

We know that Subodhi takes on acolytes of all genders, so he had no problem with Wukong (then Shihou) wanting to learn daoist & buddhist magic. He did think Wukong was a guy at first simply cus he didn't think to ask. He did have some old-fashioned "Women = Yin. Yin is bad" views though, and that led to a few arguments between him and his most outspoken student.

No one in Heaven or the Seas bothered checking cus "Thats a Monkey". Except for whoever was in charge of electing Wukong for the stable-monkey job - that was a directed hit at her (in ancient china female monkeys were kept around horses for luck/scaring off wolves). When Sun Wukong realised that she had been given a job even below a stable-boy simply for her body and/or gender identity, she flipped out.

Being elected a Peach Orchard Maiden was a lot better, which made her even more upset that she wasn't allowed to attend the Queen's Banquet - the Orchard Maidens got to go! Why couldn't she!? The real reason turned out to be that the other Maidens were actually the Jade Emperor and Xiwangmu's daughters - a fact that's often forgotten amongst even the nobles of the Celestial Realm. The Maidens hadn't been able to explain that it was an immediate-family-only party when Wukong decided to crash it.

Bonus for Stone Matriarch au: Xiwangmu immediately recognises a startling familiar destruction in this little demon. Like she's seeing a mirror of her younger self; a wild queen destroying the Heavens to prove her worth. The Queen Mother even pauses at the sight of the chaos on Flower Fruit Mountain, thinking she's seeing one of her own daughters throwing a tantrum.

Ofc the relationship between Fem!Wukong and the Brotherhood gets altered a bit. I feel that they knew Wukong's gender and supported her 100%. DBK goes full "You looking at my little sister, punk!?"-mode on anyone that even looks at Wukong. PIF helped a lot with understanding "human girly-stuff" when Wukong joined the Celestials.

Macaque knew from day 1, and it doesn't change his level of devotion to his King - though he makes a point of referring to Wukong as the "Beautiful Monkey King". Guaranteed to leave Wukong blushing. Macaque's own gender identity is a question mark - he takes what gender he can steal from others.

It also only served to reinforce Azure's projected martyrdom onto Wukong - who would be the best figurehead for the rebellion than a woman who suffers as much pain as the Bodhisattva Guanyin?

Tripitaka likely faints once or twice at the revelation that his bodyguard is a bloodthirsty woman - but quickly gets over it cus thats the least of his worries. Tthough he does panic at the thought of Wukong being like certain other female demons towards monks -Wukong quickly puts his worries to rest; Tripitaka isn't her type.

Sha Wujing and Ao Lie didn't mind but they made sure to have Wukong's input for when she preferred to be addressed as male - usually amongst humans or celestials.

Zhu Bajie on the other hand...

It took Bajie a lot of rejection to get the point that the Monkey King was not a free lady. After a few years their relationship became a lot more "annoying siblings"-vibes, but the initial creep factor always made Wukong uncomfortable.

MK (he/they transmasc) discovers the Monkey King's true gender and *immediately* works to correct his language.

MK: "Monkey- wait, do you prefer being called King or Queen? I don't want to misgender you if possible." Wukong, surprised: "Uh, King is fine bud. It's sort of my brand now anyway." MK: "Okay! Never be afraid to correct me if I mess up." (*points to trans pride pin on his jacket*) :D Wukong, honestly touched: "Aww."

Later when the rest of the Noodle Gang meets Wukong, there's a little surprise - mostly from Tang who's rambling how all the translation inconsistencies finally make sense! Mei shrieks with glee - the Monkey King is "The Ultimate Girl Boss!". Sandy politely asks for Wukong's preferred pronouns if she's comfortable sharing them. Pigsy is a lot more understanding of why Wukong felt the need to hide her gender for so long.

Pigsy: "Let me guess, you pulled a Mulan cus of a certain... pervert in your travel party." Wukong: "Eh not entirely... Bajie figured it out after a few months, but by then he already saw me as One of the Guys. Felt weird to bathe or sleep near him though - dude stared." Pigsy: "Gross." Wukong: "Mega-gross."

Wukong's dynamic with Spider Queen becomes a bit funnier, since she likely doesn't know Wukong's gender. Second she learns that her opponent is "a fellow Queen" she gains a lot more respect for her. Female spiders are overwhelmingly the strongest after all.

If it becomes wide knowledge during LMK, then Wukong gets an intense public reaction, not just from fans (she tells Fire Star to deal with the media dumpster fire) but from demons that knew her back in the day that never knew and are surprised, or did know and are extremely proud of her for coming out.

DBK loudly declares "MY BABY SISTER HAS RETURNED!". The king he's been forced to fight felt like a complete stranger until Wukong started owning her gender identity again. He is extremely supportive to an embarassing extent. Red Son feels elated, especially since they're coming to terms with their own gender indentity.

And ofc a lot of this is me projecting as a trans masc person - I tend to automatically see Sun Wukong's as afab either way. This idea can have Wukong either as afab genderfluid or trans fem, whatever tickles the brain.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Okay here's one. I really dont think I'm the asshole but my ex sure does.

AITA for refusing to buy my partner a jar of pickles?

So this story has like, a little background and some confounding factors i think but i really could go both ways on whether i was the asshole.

Ill start with both my ex (21nb) and i (23f) had severe mental health issues and were working on treatment when we were together. Theyd been in and out of inpatient stays throughout our three year relationship. Towards the Day of Pickles, i had my first inpatient stay where i got help i desperately needed to keep myself safe. This happened to be about a week after my 23rd birthday, but about two and a half weeks before their 21st birthday.

Anyway, at that time i had just gotten out of the hospital and started a new job at Joanns Fabrics (i outlived that retail fucker and im proud of it). I had been unemployed for the previous year and a half because of the pandemic and so the retail job was really my saving grace to have some sort of income to buy gas and groceries. My parents let me live rent free with them in their basement but i spent a LOT of time essentially squatting at my ex's dorm because my situation with my parents was not great.

Now my ex was also being financially abused by their mom so they had a monthly "allowance" of 200$ (of their own money they made at their on campus job) and no access to their bank statements. So i spent a lot of my own money on gas and groceries for both of us, and anything we wanted to do for fun, like visit the city. Without an income, this was SUPER stressful for me and i spiraled pretty hard with feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Supporting two people, even minimal living expenses, on an income of exactly 0$ is the WORST.

Anyway, i got out of the hospital and pretty much immediately went back to picking up as many shifts as i could at work because id been on staff for all of two weeks before hospitalization. Knowing retail, i was probably on the precipice of losing hours or being fired altogether.

My ex wanted me to take time off to celebrate their 21st birthday (they didnt celebrate my birthday that year) and travel to see their family and drink etc. I got scheduled for an inconvenient time. I would have to miss their birthday if i didnt find someone to cover. I managed to switch shifts with another coworker who was nice enough to let me have her morning shift, so i was able to at least travel separately and be a little late to dinner.

The night of their birthday my ex wanted to get drunk and so we went to the liquor store. Now im generally pretty picky about alcohol but if i get anything special i always get enough to share. Mysteriously, no one ever offers to share the expense or pay me back. So with all of 150$ in my account, i purchased enough alcohol for myself and the rest of the party, and a bottle of (cheap af) liquor for myself. I was broke af until my next paycheck and was pretty much planning on giving up meals and staying at home because the commute to work was shorter and meant less gas.

My ex picked out a jar of boozy pickles and asked if i would get it for them for their birthday. I should note that with all the stress i was under i had found a birthday present for them but hadnt actually placed the order (was waiting to get paid). I also didnt lie to them about this and had told them that i hadnt gotten their birthday present yet. They were upset by this and told me they felt like i didnt care about them, to which i snapped and raised my voice a little.

I gave them a bit of a reality check. I told them in no uncertain terms that i was under a lot of stress, from nearly killing myself to being flat broke with little to no help from my family other than a conditional roof over my head, ordering their birthday present wasnt super high on my list of things to do and that i knew what i was going to get them and that i intended to order it as soon as i had the money to do so. After years of the sole attention being focused on keeping them alive, i needed some support and acting like i didnt care completely ignored EVERYTHING i did to keep us both afloat.They cried and played the victim as they tended to do and i was too stressed to do anything but be angry.

So when they asked for the pickles i told them no. I have NOTHING left in my bank account, and anything that was in my account was already allocated for something else.

They told me i was being selfish for buying myself alcohol on THEIR birthday, not even getting them a present, yelling at them, and then refusing to buy the one thing they asked for, especially after i refused to take off work the day before to hang out with them and their family. In front of our friends.

I told them that i was purchasing the alcohol for the whole party, that the present had slipped my mind, and that they were accusing me of not caring about them when i snapped. Then i walked out.

My bff went outside to help me cool down and i told him what was going on and how stressed i was and he said that he agreed with me, it was childish to expect me to pay for everything with no help from anyone and then act like im unreasonable for having to put limits on what i can purchase.

My ex ended up getting so pissed by all of this they broke up with me two days later, saying that their birthday was the final straw for them after I'd been so codependent and relying on them too much to survive.

I think its all ridiculous given all of the stress factors i was dealing with at the time. I feel like we're all entitled to the occasional emotional outburst/bouts of forgetfulness when we're stressed. But my ex seems to think im a selfish asshole. We've been no contact for the last two years so this isnt like a pressing concern or anything but it does make me roll my eyes occasionally.

So tumblr, aita?

(Btw im also much more financially stable now that I'm fully and properly medicated and away from them.)

[ewingstan]

Halloween and cringetober may be behind us, yet I remain, coughing this up onto your back porch. Alec Lisa and Aisha were the only ones who enjoyed the costume party. Individuals and costume explanations below the cut:

Aisha and Brian: Power and Aki Hayakawa Chainsaw Man

This one goes out to the nine-year old I work with who wore a Denji costume for the school Halloween parade. Shoutout to you guy I don't know how you're allowed to watch that its the blood and sexual fantasies show.

I feel like miss suiciding-baiting-people-on-4chan would like Power. Aki works for Brian as they carry the "supposedly normal responsible one of their batshit group who very clearly has something wrong with him" niche of their series.

I feel like CSM is something that Brian and Alec would put on in the background when they were hanging out together. It's not really either of their thing, but it good pizza night fodder. Brian freaks out when Aisha mentions watching it.

Brian agreed to be Aki after he learned he could just wear a suit instead of making a real costume. Brian obviously likes objectively ridiculous costumes but it has to be something strained through 5 layers of machismo and a 17-year-old's idea of professionalism. He'll dress like something that gets painted onto a van but if there's too much whimsy or fun he'll start to freak. So halloween costumes would be weird for him. Aki just wearing a suit and a sword seemed like a good solution for this right up until the point where he had to explain what it was. Its from, hm, y'know, uhhhh this anime that my sister likes I'm just here to match with her.

Whenever he pulls the "I'm just in costume for my sister" thing Aisha makes everyone forget she exists. No escaping the weeb allegations for you Brian.

Taylor and Lisa: Madoka Kaname and Homura Akemi, Puella Magi Madoka Magica

Don't know if I need to explain this one, Worm/Madoka comparisons are almost cliche at this point

The costumes were Lisa's idea. Obviously.

The costumes were also Lisa's purchases, and enough was spent on them to make a veteran cosplayer weep. Her refusal to die her hair black would also make them weep but for different reasons.

After taking a look at herself Taylor enveloped herself in a particularly dense bug swarm for the whole night.

She eventually retreated to some side-room she found Brian hiding in and chatted with him for the rest of the party. On the condition that he make a darkness cloud for her.

She started choking on a prawn half an hour in after remembering he could see through his darkness clouds.

Rachel and Alec: Jade Harley and Dirk Strider, Homestuck

They are not going as a matching pair. Rachel does not know that she and Alec are wearing costumes from the same comic. She does not know what Homestuck is. This is one of the many ways she's better than us.

Rachel thinks she should've just been able to wear her usual dog mask for this party. Its a costume. What do you mean it doesn't count.

And why is her usual mask not enough, but the dog ears Cassie was really excited to loan her are fine? Aren't ears less costume than a full mask?

Admittedly apart from the pseudo-mind-control Alec and Dirk don't have a lot in common. Alec probably thinks he's more like Dirk than he actually is.

Dirk is if the concept of being in your own head was a guy, nay several guys, while Alec literally has to outsource getting in touch with his emotions to other bodies. Honestly the closest worm character to Dirk would probably be Krouse, considering the whole "chessmaster-manipulator who puts everything on himself and overmanages all his relationships while self-identifying as the person who can handle being the bad guy" thing, which Alec doesn't have going on at all. However:

It let me put Alec in a silly little fancylad outfit.

(Also they're both SB&HJ fans, so honestly I think its the perfect choice).

[areyougonnabe]

for the polar history recap posts, i’m dying to know more about lillie…deeply tragic and i’ve also heard something about the nickname ‘ooze’ and i desperately need to know more about that

LILLIE 😭😭😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

denis (also spelled dennis) gascoigne lillie was born in 1884, making him 26 when the terra nova set off for antarctica. he was trained in natural sciences at cambridge (although he didn't do too well on his exams) and was appointed as the ship's biologist—meaning he did not form part of the shore party in the hut in at cape evans, but remained on board the ship during the winter, studying antarctic marine biology including whales, plankton, and deep-sea creatures like sponges (like the one pictured above). his nickname "ooze" comes from his job as biologist—ooze refers to a specific kind of biological marine sediment that got pulled up in seabed dredges which lillie would then examine.

in silas's diary on the voyage south, he describes lillie:

Lilley—"Hercules'" or "Sequins" is rather a dreamer and asserts he can remember his former existences in this world. Much fun can be got from him if handled properly.

lillie was noted by other members of the expedition to be a bit of a crackpot, asserting that he was a persian and a roman in his past lives. and more than that, possibly:

Lillie had decided that he was not the marrying type, claiming that he had evolved beyond it. In later years Scott’s young Norwegian skiing expert Tryggve Gran recounted that as they crossed the Equator on the Terra Nova Lillie had revealed that he was a woman trapped in a man’s body. ‘When I see a naked man I blush,’ he allegedly said as the others sprawled shirtless on the deck in tropical sunshine, ‘I am split and I can’t help it. Luckily I understand myself and have the control to avoid doing anything wrong.’ Gran was a notoriously unreliable source, and it is hard to imagine anyone having the courage to say that under those circumstances; but perhaps Lillie did.

(from sara wheeler's cherry)

usually i would not recommend anyone trust anything that comes out of gran's mouth, but honestly i do buy this, because, well... vibes.

anyway, on the terra nova, lillie was notable for his talent at caricature, and several of his rather hilariously cruel drawings appeared (copied by wilson) in the south polar times, including this one of birdie:

while the shore party was in antarctica, lillie spent two winters in new zealand studying whales, fossils, and anthropology:

Lillie has been fossilizing & is off next month for 5 months whaling with the Norwegians. He is looking very well & very happy and is ‘a dear little chap’ to use Scott’s expression.

—pennell's diary, may 18 1911

after returning to england, taking the long way round on board the terra nova to continue his marine research, lillie took up residence at cambridge again, alongside deb, silas, priestley, and griff, to work up the scientific results from the expedition.

lillie also spent a lot of time with atch and pennell in 1913, frequently accompanying them to dine and see theater in london. he also drew (probably on board the ship) the caricature of them as the "antarctic lovebirds":

during the war, he was a conscientious objector—a "conchie," refusing to go to the front. it was an incredibly difficult position to maintain in the face of widespread societal opposition. he found solace in a continued and deepening relationship with cherry (who was also not at the front, though in his case for health reasons) as sara wheeler describes in her biography of cherry:

Currently working as a bacteriologist for the military, Lillie had been one of the few visitors at Lamer during the bad months in the middle of 1916. They became unusually intimate (‘I should love to see your chubby cheeks again’), and after one weekend Lillie scrawled with typical irreverence in his note of thanks that, ‘It was only my body which left you, for my ultimate Reality still walks behind your Bath chair and meditates about the many paths of your lovely garden. With love.’

and god i just need to copy these entire sections from the wheeler in here because they make me want to sob:

In September 1916 he had been transferred to the pathology lab of a military hospital in Bournemouth, which he loathed (‘no nice cliffs or sea birds, only sand banks and orange peel’), and was appalled to learn the next year that Cherry was poised to become engaged to Christine Davis (‘being unconventional and as near to nature as I can get, it seems all wrong to me that you should have to tie yourself up for the sake of Society’), but he strove, generally, to be optimistic, whereas Cherry was permanently resigned to his destiny. In August 1917 Lillie returned to Lamer for a week. Writing in advance with details of his train to Hatfield, he concluded that, ‘if a motor does not turn up the wings of joy will waft me those four-and-a-half miles bag included. So don’t worry.’ They had a wonderful time together. ‘I do hope,’ Lillie wrote when he was back in horrible Bournemouth, ‘your throat and the rest of you continues to get well and worthy of the sunny spirit which I see under the label ACG.'

though things seemed to be going as well as they could for lillie, shortly before the end of the war in early 1918, he suffered a nervous breakdown and landed in the notorious bethlem mental institution, known as bedlam. he was there for three years, and cherry was barred from visiting him.

he emerged for a short period of time in 1921, seemingly recovered, and took up lecturing in biology again at cambridge, but by the end of that year had relapsed and was institutionalized again.

frank debenham, writing to expedition agent j.j. kinsey in 1927 to solicit funding for SPRI, gave him an update:

Poor old Lillie is in less happy circumstances, the last I heard of him was that he was never likely to get out of Bedlam, a rather ghastly end up for poor old "Ooze's" brilliant promise.

lillie spent the rest of his life in institutions, and lived until the age of 78, dying in 1963. that was four years after the death of his friend cherry—who, despite constant attempts, was never allowed to visit him.

per UK law, lillie's medical records will be sealed until 2063, 100 years after his death, but a post on bethlem's official blog about lillie briefly notes that he was "depressed, delusional and suicidal."

the post also notes, importantly, that his breakdown had nothing whatsoever to do with his antarctic experiences:

The content of his medical notes suggests that the state of mind that brought him to hospital was entirely unrelated to his experiences of 1910-1913. Indeed, they report that “on the whole he felt better during this time”. 

OK, let's end on a nice note. here's a picture of him having a nice time at silas's wedding (i think) with his best friends. RIP lillie, i hope your next life is going well somewhere out there right now 🥲💓

(also another good writeup on lillie with some lovely art can be found on @worstjourney's patreon here!)

[maybe-boys-do-love]

The Trainee, Episode 7 Work-Life

So i wanted to dive into episode 7 of the Trainee before watching the new one, because, after some thought, i realized how it gives an extraordinary culmination of all the shows' themes around healthy workplaces for which its been subtly laying the building blocks. Re-watching it, I marked over 30 references to well-being in workplaces in the episode. I'll pare it down for y'all. Spoilers ahead. Here we go, hold on tight!

1.Ba Mhee reminds Tae to take his vitamins as they car-pool into the office. He is, of course, ignoring her as he works and edits away on his computer beneath a blanket to keep the glare out from his screen. She tells him he needs to take care of his body. "You use your body a lot!" And this emphasis on bodily health that we get from Ba Mhee is key to understanding the show's complex perspective on work-life balance and the comparison we get (and will likely continue to get) between Judy and Jane's relationships with their interns.

2.In the next scene, Pah finishes up a voice-over for the post-production team and declares, "Feel free to ask me to do anything," which includes buying food, buying snacks, and carrying stuff. He's "always ready to help." Wan, the editor, doesn't discourage his boundary-less enthusiasm.

gif by @peachblossomdrama

3.And why would we be surprised by Wan's answer to Pah? We next see him explaining how he hasn't slept for 24 hours and another editor waking up after a night spent sleeping in the office. The editing team is a great example of how the show has used comedy--these goofy nerds who seem clueless to social cues like when and where its appropriate to sleep and how to socialize to have friends and partners--to plant the reality of major work-life balance issues in this office. But something the show uses to complicate a straight-up condemnation of their work behavior is that it let's us know that it's very much is the nature of the post-production team's job to have the strictest deadlines, requiring them to work weird, intense hours. They explain to Tae the Monday deadline, which will require him to work over the weekend unless he can finish it by Monday. Putting so much on the intern, however, seems sketch, to say the least. And focus on work over his personal life is what leads Ba Mhee to start doubting their relationship, which doesn't end well...

4.Another moment of comedy that also shows us the blurred lines between office and home life is Pie and Ba Mhee's conversation about Judy in the bathroom as Pie brushes her teeth and Ba Mhee puts her make up. It's a little moment, but little moments like this that emphasize the bigger message are what make this show so fuckin great.

5.There are lots of little moments about hunger and food in this episode and throughout the series. Ba Mhee's sandwich for Tae, Jane checking on Ryan's hunger level--being fed takes care of a body to make sure they are prepared and focus to do their work, and these moments remind us of its importance.

6.But Judy's sharing of her food with Ba Mhee begins a series of questions about sharing with coworkers, and especially with suborinate employees. It goes from sharing food, to confusing the glasses of water, to sharing a kiss, symbolizing the blurring of the lines between their own personal boundaries.

7.I won't excuse Judy's behavior, however, the show does a beautiful job of contextualizing it within Judy's workaholic nature in which she never seems to be off-duty. She's called Ba Mhee at 2am previously and we've seen her as the last person in the office. In this episode, she zoom's in while she can't actually be on video, she delivers a gift to clients several years after last working with them, and then she's out late partying with the clients. Everything she says in this episode suggests a marriage to her work where she seeks others' approval, and that prevents her from truly taking care of herself or having a clear head about her personal life and boundaries.

8.The parties and drinking are another question about professional behavior the show brings up. When Ba Mhee explains, "You're clients got me drunk," we are cued into the power imbalance at play even if the show hides its hand by not emphasizing it. In fact, we are pointed to the inappropriateness of this client a few times throughout the episode. The boss, for example, chooses who to work with based on "physiognomy," or looks... Of course, as with the post-production team, networking and parties and attractiveness are a reality for this position, so we aren't meant to be mad about a hard line being crossed (except the kiss), but bare witness to the fuzziness of the boundary and Judy's failure to identify it for herself and/or support Ba Mhee in finding it.

9.There's one more work boundary Judy crosses that, while I'm sure when other people notice its inclusion will feel perturbed, I found touching in connecting it to the confusion of separating one's work self and personal self. Judy discloses her sexuality. Nowadays, this is less fraught (depending on ur locale, of course!), but it is still legal to discriminate in workplaces based on your sexuality in many places. It's not a given that you get to express every part of yourself professionally, and the question of how much you can say or express your sexuality while working with the public and with coworkers is another occupational ethics question, and I'm so glad that the show included it in the tangled mess of Judy's boundary-crossing instead of simply showing us the "right way" to do it only, because, it's really not that long since there was no 'right way' in a legal and public opinion sense.

10.Speaking of sexuality, let's talk about the character of Joy, who is so lusciously funny with her open attraction to Jane that we go into our comedy mindsets and ignore how wildly inappropriate she's acting. Ryan is right, "This is an abuse of a professional position" and "If you want to flirt with each other, do it somewhere else, not in the office." Her inappropriate behavior has real consequences. She favors Jane and gives him the bottles instead of the actual director, which is the start of the issues, because there is a trend throughout the series that Jane doesn't actually know where a lot of things are at the office. Then, her behavior, not Ryan's crush alone, causes Ryan's challenges with focusing, so he's wasting paper (while wearing a recycling shirt!) and not listening when the explanation is given about the tester for the collagen capsule. Why isn't anyone intervening? Because of our acculturation to workplace comedy behavior, we're allowed to see it all as humorous, but the show has more up its sleeve.

11.Consequences is one of the things that The Trainee does exceptionally well. It gives us comedic elements but doesn't let them flit away as a joke. There are financial, emotional, and this time, physical ramifications to what could otherwise be laughed off. Jane doesn't pick up the phone. Ryan missed the information because of Joy's flirting and his own feelings, so he gives Pah the wrong bottle. When Pah leaves work, the show includes the detail of the burns on his arms, which is just such a great little detail, because consequences at work is what the show's all about: consequences and how to move forward once they occur.

12.JANE AND RYAN'S FIGHT!!!! They're both right and they're both wrong and it's so real and honest about what arguments actually are. First, Jane is ever professional by having the conversation privately after the explosion ("Go wait for me in my office"), because you don't shame employees in front of others. Next, Ryan owns his behavior and apologizes but also--and this is by far Ryan's biggest strength--articulates some of his questions and observations about the causes, explaining how he tried to call Jane for the info. Jane shoots back asking if there was no one else Ryan could ask, pointing to two issues for the two of them we can interpret. One: Jane knows Ryan has, if nothing else, latched onto him at work for assistance over anyone else. Two: Ryan couldn't have talked to anyone else because the office has an organization and documentation issue, sono one knows where anything is, especially if they weren't individually in charge of it. Just earlier in the episode Jo was looking through files on the desk for a document Prang sent, and Jane couldn't help locate it, either. I'd have to rewatch, but I'd guess in nearly every episode there's something lost that someone's looking for. Idk if Jane is being defensive about a known weak point of his, or if he just doesn't realize it.

13. Ryan discloses his feelings for Jane! For all the internal monologues and cues we've seen about Ryan's feelings (and about Jane's likely reciprocation), he hasn't been unprofessional. Disclosing his feelings verbally to his superior is actually a professional choice (the edits do all the heavy lifting of the romantic elements). Remember what Ba Mhee said at the beginning of the episode. "You're body is important." Communicating a feeling verbally is very different than using his body to communicate as Judy does. And the awareness and choices we make to deal with the feelings matter deeply in a professional setting, and both Jane and Ryan seem appropriately aware of this. We'll see what next steps they take now.

[batsplat]

yes please write about jorge/valentino's teammate dynamics

right then! so in the interest of reasonable post lengths [ed.: questionable description] and given I've now gotten several asks on this, I've decided to only focus on 2008-10 here (and what preceded it) - which I imagine are also the years of the teammate relationship people are the least familiar with. 2008 is jorge's rookie season and valentino's 'comeback' to reclaim the motogp crown, 2009 is the actual title fight between the two of them, and 2010 is jorge's first premier class title while valentino breaks his leg and signs for ducati. there'll be zero discussion of their second teammate stint here, that's for another day. so let's have a crack at figuring out what their deal was during these years

this teammate relationship was always expected to be a tense one. both valentino and jorge came into this partnership with reputations; both were seen as big characters with big egos. both were looking for very different things from this partnership. in many ways, their rivalry was a lopsided one - not in how good they were as riders, but in terms of the significance of the rivalry for both parties and the degree of their emotional investment... even in how much time they spent thinking about each other. jorge is 20 years old when this partnership starts, about to turn 21, and boy does it show. he is working on establishing an identity for himself. he wants to build up a 'character'. he is trying to figure out who he will be as a person. he does not do this in private; instead, he discusses all of this in publicly available sources, introspective and conscientious to a fault. he is also engaging in this journey of self-discovery with constant reference to valentino. this is a young man who is modelling himself after valentino not just as a rider - but as a person, who is continuously studying what valentino is doing on and off the track to make him so successful in all walks of life. sometimes he wants to imitate valentino, other times he wants to define himself against him, occasionally he deliberately wants to avoid valentino being his reference point at all... but again and again, it comes back to valentino

what we have, then, is a bildungsroman, a coming-of-age arc that jorge is consciously engaging upon. his life is a story - it is one he tells with frequent references to popular culture and its tropes. he is writing the narrative of his life in his own head, and valentino plays a sizeable role in this narrative. a constant reference point, someone to learn from, the rival who jorge will have to beat to come into his own. defeating valentino rossi is supposed to be an important step in jorge's journey. one day, he will ride like valentino (if not better). one day, he will be loved like valentino is (if not more so). one day, he will have the impact that valentino has had on the sport (if not an even greater one). valentino is the established legend who jorge can topple in his ascension - and how could this have worked out any better than for jorge to be his teammate, to be provided with the opportunity to learn from him and measure himself against him from the very start of jorge's journey in the premier class?

obviously, valentino is not doing anything even remotely comparable in jorge's direction. he did not want jorge as a teammate and still does not want him there, but you never really get the sense in 2008 that valentino thinks jorge is going to be his number one problem that year. even when valentino has to upgrade jorge to a more pressing threat in the following year, fundamentally jorge is nothing to valentino apart from just another rival he is determined to defeat. the disparity extends to what they both are looking to get from that partnership. valentino wants to beat jorge. jorge wants to learn from valentino... and also beat him. valentino doesn't particularly want jorge to learn from him, and he's decided it's in his interest to mostly not engage with this kid. there's one or two hints that he's aware of the extent of jorge's interest in him, but either way he's clearly decided he's not going to indulge it. mostly, however, he limits himself to studied disinterest rather than open animosity, with a few of his preferred underhanded tactics thrown in to attempt to exert pressure on his young enemy in their 2009 title fight. it takes until 2010 for the hostility between the two to properly escalate, and eventually it boils over to a point where the partnership did not feel particularly sustainable

in a lot of ways, this is a rivalry that is more interesting from jorge's perspective than it is from valentino's. it is the rivalry jorge uses to come into his own, the one that jorge uses to figure out who he wants to be (and maybe who he actually is). jorge at this stage of his life is poorly socialised, a little awkward, prone to being misunderstood while also overly concerned with how misunderstood he is. his inner circle, who form a deeply questionable support network, are not especially helpful in this regard. the 2008-9 period in particular is a time of real personal turmoil for jorge, which has a destabilising effect and provides an additional source of stress he continuously had to deal with (see here for more information). everything for jorge in those years is so much. it's all intensely lived and experienced - and this is also reflected in how he reacts to everything valentino says and does. for valentino, by contrast, this is essentially nothing more than a professional relationship. we already know who valentino is by this point - and while it is his first truly strained teammate relationship in the premier class, the fact that it would be strained came as a surprise to quite literally nobody. this version of valentino is experienced enough to deftly motivate himself using his rivals, give himself a little fuel by deliberately 'personalising' a rivalry and spurring himself onward with a healthy amount of spite... but ultimately, this is not one of the rivalries where his opponent had the power to genuinely hurt him on a personal level. beyond all the noise and the petty dramatics, what jorge represented to valentino was simply another obstacle. what valentino represented to jorge was a little more complicated

though there is one other way, apart from the teammate angle, in which the jorge rivalry was a new departure for valentino. after all, this was his first real run-in with just how annoying it can be to have a rival who has modelled himself after you and has taken direct inspiration from some of your more unsavoury traits. you either retire a hero or race long enough to become a villain in order to attempt to rid yourself of your most irritating imitators. or something

early scuffles

so, let's get into it. first of all, the fact that valentino did not want jorge as his teammate was absolutely a matter of public record. now, what I'm going to present here is a massively simplified narrative of the 'what was yamaha playing at 2005-07' rider market story. there's a lot we could get into here, a lot of quite frankly contradictory sources to unpick - but to keep things moving, I'm going to skip most of that and present a straightforward version of events. the most important point to remember is that yamaha had good reason to be wary of this partnership from the get-go, with the specific reputations the pair of them had cultivated. valentino was in the process of cooking up premier class feud number three, while jorge had already pissed off several of his lower class rivals (including but not limited to dani, dovi and casey - he got the full set). jorge was also known for being a hard racer back in those days, most notably bagging himself a race ban after motegi 2005 (a race in which by a quirky coincidence valentino also dropped an absolute howler as far as race craft was concerned). years later, he would say it was this ban that made him get his act together as far as riding standards were concerned, but some of his 250cc rivals might have something to say about that.

'He's a tough kid, cheeky,' was the diagnosis of 'The Doctor', Valentino Rossi, during post-season testing for Yamaha at Jerez in November 2007, the first time they had come face to face on a MotoGP track. - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

and of course, there is the fact that jorge was a very highly rated young rider, not least as a result of bagging two consecutive 250cc titles (albeit on a more competitive package than dovi's)... and you were pitting him against the bloke who had dominated the premier class for the first half of the noughties. both were expected to be extremely motivated to assert themselves within that team - and it was clear that jorge was certainly the type of guy who absolutely believed he could beat a seven time world champion first time of asking. not only did people expect this was going to get ugly, they thought it would get ugly fast

^catalunya 2007: jorge's signing had not yet been officially announced, but it was basically common knowledge that it was almost certainly coming. one of these men is more of a natural at smiling at the camera than the other

in one of the interviews from that riveras tobia book (this from december 2007), jorge is asked about valentino wanting to block him as a teammate. here is what he says:

In my opinion, I think it is true that Valentino vetoed the Stoner deal because Colin Edwards was in the team at that time and Valentino also wanted to cover his back by not having a hungry young rider in the same garage. But after Melandri left, Yamaha didn't have a youngster. They had the best, in Rossi, but they also had to look to the future, to his eventual replacement. They were the factory that expressed the most interest in me. To get an offer from a factory that, alongside HRC, is the best in the world - as well as the fact the Yamaha have had better riders than Honda over the course of their history - I can tell you that to get that call and be told that you are their future... that was nice, make no mistake! What Valentino thought about it didn't worry us too much.

jorge is then asked whether he doesn't feel like he should have a "man-to-man chat" with vale about the whole situation:

I'd like to. But I guess we've both got more important things to do than sit down and talk. It's hard to imagine the day when we say, 'Okay, let's sit down and talk.' I'd like to but it's not going to happen. I'd like to be able to learn things from him because he's an interesting person both on and off the track. But it's not to be and that's normal - I'd do the same in his situation. You don't give your food rations to your enemy! If you can avoid it, then you avoid it. If you can stop the other guy from moving forward, do it. But that's as far as it should go. If you can prevent another rider from coming then fine, but you shouldn't wish bad things on anybody. I'd like that to be the philosophy between us.

so, let's just be clear about this from the outset: jorge wasn't harbouring any delusions about how valentino felt about his arrival at that team. his feelings towards valentino at the time weren't conditioned by naivety (well, not in that way, in any case) - jorge knew what valentino was like as a competitor and was prepared for it. if anything, it was this reputed ruthlessness of valentino's that jorge wanted to learn from, but he also knew valentino was not interested in teaching him anything whatsoever. perhaps it's just a way of preparing himself for what was to come, a way for jorge to make the whole situation sound better to himself... but jorge goes as far as to say that he understands where valentino is coming from. this is a young man who has come to believe that valentino is the greatest to have ever raced in the sport. he has decided there's a lot to learn from him - and jorge believes one of the things he can learn from valentino is how valentino treats his rivals. which perhaps was in itself not ideal for everyone involved. jorge looked at valentino being a dick, decided 'yes, that's good and sensible behaviour', and just took it from there

though, again, let's not forget that valentino's teammate relationships up until this point in the premier class hadn't even been an issue! generally, he's gotten fairly good reviews, whether it's the role he took mentoring young honda hopeful nicky hayden after his transition from superbikes or his close friendship with colin edwards. yes, yes, you can say that's because valentino felt less threatened by any of his other teammates (though it's worth pointing out that hayden was seen as very promising and did go on to, y'know, win a title against valentino) - but the point is that valentino was actually pretty short on experience when it came to intra-team feuding in the premier class himself. this is a story the two of them created together, a new flavour of feud for the both of them that they could experience for the first time with each other. brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it

^first group photo at teammates!!

there is another key detail to mention in the run-up to the 2008 season: the wall. rumours of this wall dividing the two sides of the garage started cropping up around the middle of the 2007 season - but it was most likely more of a 'happy coincidence' for valentino than anything deliberately aimed at jorge. over the course of the 2007 season, the first year of the unpopular 800cc bikes, valentino had become increasingly frustrated not only with his bike but also his michelin tyres, which he felt were a liability in his fight against casey on the bridgestones. casey was generally pretty adamant that his rivals were just looking for excuses for their failures, but valentino was flirting more and more with a switch to bridgestones - which was a politically tricky thing to do, given his long-standing relationship with michelin. you do not want to piss off the tyre people, especially not in an era where there was a disparity in the quality of tyres different riders were being provided and there were a lot of vaguely sketch things going on behind the scenes. and, to be clear, there were also races where the bridgestones were clearly the worse tyre to be on... but eventually there was just one too many races where valentino felt he was at a serious disadvantage, one too many where he believed the cards were stacked against him. and so he made the switch

The seesawing fortunes of the tyre manufacturers changed once again; this time Michelin in trouble, for the second consecutive year at the rollercoaster Californian track. Valentino was Michelin's top finisher in fourth, but a massive 30 seconds behind winner Stoner, who increased his championship advantage to 44 points. "From Laguna we knew that the championship was already finished," he said at the end of the year. "Today the difference between us and Bridgestone was too big, " he said after [Laguna Seca 2007]. "A tyre should be an instrument in racing, not the deciding factor. People are fans of bikes and riders - Ducati or Rossi or Stoner - but they're not fans of Bridgestone or Michelin. Racing like this is pretty frustrating, but there's nothing we can do." In fact there was. This was when he started talking with Bridgestone about using their tyres in 2008. - from Oxley's 'Valentino Rossi: All His Races'

and of course, tyre manufacturers don't want to be sharing data with each other, so they are the ones to insist on a wall if two riders within the same garage are on different tyres. the point here isn't to rehash late noughties tyre politics - it's that when valentino made this choice, frustrating his new teammate really will not have been his number one priority. on the surface, then, valentino's decision was motivated solely by his desire to beat casey stoner on his ducati with his bridgestones. the tyre switch is less 'kill two birds with one stone' and more 'kill one bird with one stone, but don't complain when the stone subsequently drops down and gives the other bird a concussion'. there is one source out there that suggests valentino insisted jorge would have to use michelins - if so, then my guess is that jorge didn't know about it because his biography would surely have mentioned it. you could also argue that it would be odd from yamaha to agree to this, if their lead rider was so sure that the michelins weren't up to scratch - but since we don't have firm facts either way, let's move on

the most important bit is that valentino had a free and easy excuse to enforce some nice and healthy boundaries (by building a literal wall) and maintain his personal space (plus keep his lovely data for himself). but of course, nobody knew at the start of 2008 whether valentino's decision to switch to bridgestones would be vindicated. and valentino had a lot to prove going into that year... losing one title can happen to anyone, losing two is quite another story. the general consensus was that a lot of bad luck had been involved in valentino's failure to win the 2006 title, but 2007 was a little harder to explain. sure, as casey will happily remind you, many people attempted to discredit casey's championship that year - but valentino at the very least was entirely aware of how dangerous his young rival was. and valentino publicly lost another battle in his inability to stop jorge from being signed from his beloved yamaha. he was now 29 years old and it was a serious possibility that his best days might be behind him, that he had won all the championships he was going to win - still a very successful career, of course, one that had many label him the greatest of all time, but one that might have already seen its brightest days. was the switch to the bridgestone tyres a clever move or a sign of desperation? it was certainly a risk... valentino had spent the entirety of 2007 bemoaning the disadvantage he had because of the tyre difference from his title rival - which meant that now he was down an excuse if he lost again to casey. and not just casey... dani, too, on michelin tyres had outperformed valentino by a single point in 2007 (albeit under pretty unfortunate circumstances). and if, worse still, valentino's rookie teammate managed to beat him... well, then valentino's grasp on the sport might well and truly be slipping

and what was valentino's response to all this pressure? well, simply put, it was to shut up and get to work. publicly, he never slipped from his confidence in his tyre switch gamble - even though initially it looked like he might have made a massive blunder. his rookie teammate qualified on pole at his very first premier class race in qatar... and while initially valentino was fighting at the front of the pack, he slipped down the order to finish a lowly fifth. jorge finished on the podium and seasoned bridgestone aficionado casey took another win at the circuit. valentino insisted the tyres weren't the problem, that he simply had to figure out the set-up to make the bike work with them, and continued on in his stride. second race is in jerez and once again jorge qualifies on pole. after the practise sessions that weekend, he is the heavy pre-race favourite... but in the end, dani had both yamaha riders beat - and valentino managed to get the better of his teammate this time

^this is the spanish king handshake podium by the way, after the dani/jorge handshake refusal at qatar. heartwarming: local dickhead accidentally ends up spending time with two men who hate each other more than they hate him

in estoril, jorge again bagged pole position, making it three poles to start his rookie season - and this time, he converted it to his first win, scrapping with valentino in what actually counts as proper racing for the first half of the race (far from guaranteed in that era). valentino came home for third place after both jorge and dani, who were the joint championship leaders at this stage. and still, valentino was talking a big game about trusting the process, determinedly publicly unfazed by his early season results. it helped that the defending champion casey was having a pretty nightmarish time of it after the race win in qatar... and, really, valentino probably still saw him as his main threat, whatever the championship standings were saying. as long as valentino was consistently bringing home points - if he eventually clicked with the tyres, then the rival he was probably always going to be worried about above all others was casey

VR: "The situation is very much in evolution. I had good grip from the beginning but I knew I had to ride very smooth to save the tyres." JB [his crew chief, speaking about the switch to Bridgestone]: "I think it's the best thing we've ever done. Valentino is very happy - he can ride the bike the way he wants to ride the bike. With a little more work everything will come our way." - from Oxley's 'Valentino Rossi: All His Races'

the excerpt above is what valentino and his crew chief were saying after estoril. "the best thing we've ever done"... you'll note the rhetoric here is pretty bullish - valentino and his team are not willing to countenance failure. it's this kind of thing that really forms the foundation for the move to ducati, the first major roll of the dice that didn't work out. but here, valentino seemed happy to believe he was making progress - and publicly there was no real sign of animosity between the yamaha riders at this stage. which actually made valentino the exception amongst the aliens. jorge wasn't slacking as far starting drama in his rookie season was concerned, and he'd managed to seriously piss off both dani and casey within four races. jorge wasn't making snide remarks about 'the championship's starting now' in valentino's direction to the best of our knowledge. and remember, three races in, valentino was the only alien who had not yet won a race that season. unlike, say, casey, he was also very much not the defending champion. did jorge in his youthful cockiness and self-confidence believe that he essentially already had valentino covered? well, we don't have any proof either way, but from third party descriptions of jorge from the time, it wouldn't exactly be surprising if he secretly believed he had already gotten the measure of his teammate. and if he did believe as much, it also wouldn't be surprising if valentino was aware of jorge's attitude. we can't be certain - but crucially, jorge refrained from openly saying anything controversial about valentino and valentino alone

^save me jorge lorenzo cunty lollipop.... jorge lorenzo cunty lollipop save me... jorge lorenzo cunty lollipop...

so they were committed to keeping the pace, but everyone knew the estoril win and what it said about that particular teammate dynamic mattered. jorge was beating valentino, he was ahead of valentino in the championship standings, it was time for contract negotiations... and while jorge already had his business sorted out until the end of 2009, valentino's contract still needed to be renewed

The significance of Lorenzo's win should not be underestimated. With the balance of power now shifted in Yamaha's favor, The Doctor may well be forced to take a pay cut, from the rumored 12 million euros a year he is currently receiving, a sum close to double what the next best earners in the paddock are paid. The pay cut could be as much as 30%, which is a lot of pride for a seven time world champion to have to swallow. But with Yamahas currently dominating the MotoGP field, a move away from the Iwata factory could be a very risky move indeed. Kawasaki has expressed an interest in Rossi, although no discussions have ever taken place, and widespread rumors persist that Rossi is a likely target for Ducati, although this is probably more wishful thinking than anything else. If Rossi wants to recapture the MotoGP crown, then Yamaha is probably his best bet. In the end, it will come down to what is more important for Rossi: the money, and the associated prestige of his exceptional position within the MotoGP paddock, or the real prestige of yet another world championship. - from here

the article also discusses the possibility of yamaha replacing the italian fiat with the spanish telefonica as their title sponsor in what would have been another blow for valentino. now, obviously, in the end valentino re-signed for another two years and fiat stuck with yamaha a little longer - but despite the public civility, the power struggle was already very much in progress

yamaha must have known that this would be a difficult situation to manage... so why did they sign jorge in the first place? the first reason is that yamaha would eventually need a succession plan, given valentino's age - as jorge points out himself in one of the interview excerpts above. the other explanation was supposedly valentino's public flirtations with leaving motogp, which he had been engaging in for years and years. according to yamaha team principal lin jarvis, the only reason they signed jorge was that they thought valentino was headed to formula one:

"So, when you have competitive riders in the team it elevates the team, they push each other, and you just have to hope that they are not self-destructive." "We were just smiling because when we hired Jorge when he was a rookie, before he was even in the MotoGP class, we hired him to replace Valentino Rossi because we thought Valentino Rossi would retire soon and go to race in Formula One, and this was back in 2006, and it's kind of like 'who could ever have predicted that Jorge Lorenzo would retire before Valentino retires?' Life is strange sometimes." - from here

now, this may not be an entirely accurate depiction of events from jarvis, but there is something fitting in how the f1 rumours dried up at a time when valentino was facing some sustained adversity in the premier class. eventually, he found a new target in casey to provide him with plenty of competitive motivation. and setting aside off-track contract negotiation shenanigans, his target that season would remain casey. for in the end, jorge's rookie momentum and confidence ran dry. his season took a dramatic turn for the worse at the fourth race, with a massive practise highside at shanghai breaking both of his ankles. jorge managed a heroic fourth, while valentino won his first race of 2008. at the next race at le mans, valentino won again while jorge joined him on the podium on crutches. jorge crashed out of the race at mugello, while valentino won once more. and after a brutal crash at catalunya, one that prevented jorge from even taking part in the race, even his heroic results dried out. jorge did a lot of learning in his rookie year, but he also did an awful lot of crashing - while simultaneously having a protracted painful break-up with his manager that will unavoidably also have affected his mindset that season. the other aliens conducted their war between themselves for the rest of the season as jorge tended to his wounds

the valentino rossi complex

now that jorge is injured and valentino can spend his time concentrating on his favourite hobby of the alien era (figuring out how to get under casey stoner's skin), let's backtrack for a minute. whatever jorge might have been willing to openly admit to, deep down he would have felt that he had a chance of beating valentino in their first season together... but remember, his main stated aim had been learning from him. jorge wasn't just becoming any old rider's teammate, after all - and he had put plenty of thought into what he should be learning from valentino. once upon a time, he had been a biaggi fan and had rooted against valentino in a classic bit of contrarianism. he was having arguments about whether valentino would be succeeding at yamaha with his father (who thought valentino would finish 2004 no better than seventh in the standings). in 2007, at a time in which jorge already knew he would be joining yamaha in one form or another, he was publishing articles about the bloke, wrestling with how shocking it was to watch him crash, speculating how similar he was to an alien or even a god. jorge had, after all, become increasingly aware of just how good valentino was over the years

ER: You were a Biaggi fan. At what point did you change and start watching Rossi? JL: It was always obvious that Rossi was extremely good but I wanted to believe that he won because he was lucky, or because he had a better bike. Once I started out in the World Championship myself I stopped watching out for Biaggi because I started to be more concerned with myself and less about other people. That's when I started to realise that Rossi had something - that it was no coincidence that he kept winning every weekend.

while he had been instructed by those around him to pay attention to valentino as a rider, to study the very best, jorge himself seemed more interested in what sort of a character valentino was - what sort of an impact he had on the sport. like this (longer excerpt here):

Jorge is talking, hardly stopping for breath. 'Valentino arrived on the scene and revolutionised everything,' he says. 'He brought radical change. I remember that at school, on the day after a race, everybody would be talking about the battle between Doohan and Crivillé... and then about Valentino Rossi! It wasn't normal for us to be interested in the winner of the 125cc race! But he did things differently, he started to improvise. [...] He did things that nobody had ever done before. He was different from everything and everybody, he worked really hard and he was really fun.'

another interview excerpt (see here) again frames valentino as unique, as someone different from greats in the past, not because he is a great rider but because of the impact he has had on the entire sport. jorge seemed particularly taken by the joy of valentino's persona, the excitement he brought fans - and of course, jorge's love for valentino's celebrations is particularly significant. jorge may have already been naturally inclined towards a showy style of celebrations of his own that he had indulged in ever since he was a kid (see here, also includes discussion of the vale/biaggi rivalry and again describes valentino as "fun"), but he clearly had a real fondness for valentino's

If Rossi hadn't started celebrating like he does then maybe it would never have occurred to me. Who knows? Obviously he was an inspiration to me in the beginning. The thing is they were so good, and there were so many... they were so funny and so smart. I had a few ideas and I thought it could be good fun but I never did anything thinking that I could become Valentino Rossi II. - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

you know how sometimes people start out hating something, but increasingly they engage in behaviours that make them virtually indistinguishable from actual fans? they were so funny and so smart... the problem with this sport is that, if you're below a certain age, it actually seems really hard to not have a valentino rossi complex of some kind - and you can see it with all three of casey, jorge and marc, if in completely different ways. they weren't all fans of him in the same way and to the same extent, but he was their 'reference' point, always... and they all show it. notice how jorge can't even say for sure how much valentino inspired him - because that's how inescapable valentino is, how interwoven he is in every aspect of the sport. and valentino came first... one of the problems that jorge would face ever more and more as he tried to establish himself against the sheer weight of rossi's presence was that he had been preempted... that the public was so unwilling to take kindly to someone who was obviously aspiring to become - well, not another valentino rossi, but certainly a successor of sorts. there's a cruelty to the whole thing, that celebrations in the same style of valentino's were increasingly mocked when they came from jorge... when they had always been part of his identity as a competitor. he loved to hate rossi, he admired rossi, he wanted to be the next rossi - and he would never be able to escape the shadow of the legacy entirely. and yes, inevitably it will have coloured how his flamboyant celebrations, particularly evident in his 2006 250cc season, were perceived by the public

^valentino and jorge at le mans 2008, when jorge finished second place with two broken ankles and had a chair in both parc fermé and on the podium

incidentally, the biography does include some suggestion that valentino was aware of just how much jorge had discussed him before the start of their partnership. this from the december 2007 interview:

ER: And there came a point where you publicly stated that Rossi was the greatest of all time. When he was told about that he said: 'Wow, at last he's admitted it, but it's taken a while!' JL: I don't like that. Even though he thought it, I don't think he should have said it. I never thought he'd say that! I didn't imagine he would. Even though he's the best, and he's won eight titles, he could have said, for example, 'I appreciate the comment and Jorge is also a great rider.' I would have expected that from any other rider, but not him.

what a fantastic little nugget this is (and it's very kind of jorge to give valentino one more title than he had at that stage). there's obviously some context missing here from valentino's purported remarks, like what had prompted them, if there had been a bit of a history of jorge refusing to publicly call valentino the greatest. has he been informed of what jorge's said about him over time, is this part of a longer story? what tone did he say it in? it does read like a slightly dismissive gag, along the lines of 'well of course I've been waiting all this time for the approval of this twenty year old 250cc rider'. valentino is obviously being a bit of a dick here... but he is joking around, if in a somewhat pointed manner - and jorge does not take particularly kindly to it. he thinks valentino should have gone for a very pr-friendly response instead, and the one he proposes is more respectable but also very dull. jorge can engage with goat discourse, but it's almost as if valentino's status should preclude him from getting involved in this kind of petty snarking, as if he should somehow be above it ("I would have expected that from any other rider, but not him"). at the end of the day, we don't know much about what that relationship looked like pre-2008, except that it wasn't particularly close. though paddock gossip of the time suggested that valentino already disliked jorge

The prospect of Lorenzo in MotoGP is a very interesting one, for along with a great deal of talent, Jorge Lorenzo brings a not inconsiderable ego, and a manager with considerable personal animosity towards Alberto Puig, who manages Dani Pedrosa. So there is not just the matter of the world championship to contest, but also, and perhaps more importantly, the title of Spain's favorite rider. And besides the animosity between managers, there is also rumored to be some animosity between Valentino Rossi and Jorge Lorenzo, Rossi said to be not at all enamored of Lorenzo's ego or his antics. All in all, 2008 is already shaping up to be a fascinating season, and we're not yet done with 2007. - from here

all that being said, I am a little curious if anyone in valentino's circle ever bought this biography (first version published in spanish in 2008) and happened to relay some of this stuff to valentino. maybe just get his thoughts on a few of the details in this book, like this conversation between jorge and his buddy when they were eighteen years old:

The arrival of Palau was an important moment in his life. The had a great time playing on the PlayStation, surfing the Internet and chatting online or playing online games - 'like GP500, which is really old' explains Jorge, as if to demonstrate his gaming pedigree. One afternoon things changed completely. Once again a telephone call would prove to be a key moment in the relationship between Dani and Jorge. 'I remember it well,' says Palau. 'I was in a park with some friends and the phone rang. It was Jorge.' 'PalaWeb, how would you like to be my Uccio?' 'What's an Uccio?' Palau didn't know anything about bikes. In fact, until that point, until that point, he hadn't even watched a race that Jorge wasn't competing in. 'Uccio is Valentino's buddy. He goes with him everywhere. It's just that Dani (Amatriain) says he thinks you're a good guy and he wants you to come to all the races with us.'

or how about the way jorge and his psychologist analysed valentino's character to try and figure out why he was so popular?

Valentino, though, is a person who interests Jorge both on and off the track. He has always been aware of Rossi's incredible personality and also fascinated by his charisma. There's that word again: 'charisma'. Jorge took the opportunity to discuss Rossi's special personality with somebody who could give a professional opinion and explain clearly and authoritatively how and why Valentino finds it so easy to communicate effectively with so many people. Miguel Ángel Violán recalls: 'We used to speak about Rossi, and analyse his public appearances. There is a technique in psychology called psychomorphology, which refers to the way a person can transmit their character through their facial expressions and posture. In Rossi you can see a person who is naturally happy, congenial, creative, artistic, good fun but with a competitive edge too. Jorge's expression, on the other hand, made him seem like a serious person who can't even muster a smile.' 'Try to smile,' Miguel Ángel Violán would say. 'But what if I'm not happy?' Jorge would reply. 'Just try to be. People want smiles! You'll win more fans. It might not feel natural at first, but it will come.'

or about jorge's thoughts on becoming a legend like valentino:

ER: I remember at Jerez, when you were doing a report for TVE with Alex Crivillé, we asked you if you'd like to have a corner named after you. And you answered: 'I wouldn't want a corner named after me even if I win the World Championship. I'll only accept it if I pull off an 'X-fuera' [overtaking on the outside] in that corner.' Can you seriously imagine yourself with that kind of legendary status? JL: To be a legend is something huge. It depends how well I do in the future - on my results, on how I evolve. Right now I'm a long way behind Rossi, in terms of personality. We are two completely different characters, even if our celebrations may be similar. To create a better character than Valentino has managed over the years is very difficult. I've just got to find my own way and try to make my own character be as attractive as possible, to create a character that is different, very different. Maybe that way it can become legend. ER: From what you say it sounds like you'll only be happy when you've established your true character... JL; Yes, but when you're younger it is more difficult because your personality changes so regularly. Bit by bit you become more secure in yourself and you change it less. The more sure you are of yourself the less you self-analyse. But you always want to improve those aspects of yourself that you don't like and if you stop self-analysing altogether then you can't improve. It's a tricky one, isn't it? It is a vicious circle and it's difficult to break.

right then. *cracks knuckles* let's get into it. first off, this miguel angel violan fella who is going on about 'psychomorphology' is not in fact an actual psychologist - and is instead a media consultant and journalist who provided jorge with instruction in public speaking. it was jorge's decision to get a media coach in late 2006, which the biography portrays as a choice stemming from his desire to avoid being misunderstood. (this angel violan donny also gave him advice on a number of other subjects, including how to *checks notes* better communicate with girls.) so jorge and his media consultant turned to the best communicator in the sport, and decided to use him as inspiration

^still le mans. valentino's second consecutive win and when he took the lead in the championship by three points over dani and jorge. quite the effort from jorge, but he keeps injuring himself worse and worse after this - and it's the last podium he bags until eight races later in misano

there's something charmingly straightforward to this line of thinking, really. jorge wanted to be the best motorcycling racer to ever have been. he wanted to both win a lot and be super popular. so he looked at the bloke who was considered by many (including jorge) to be the greatest of all time, as well as the most popular rider of all time, and was determined to closely study his approach. but, because it's jorge, of course he's not just going to 'copy' valentino or say he wants to be the next valentino or any of that, he wants to draw inspiration from him and pay him a lot of compliments in an ever so slightly pompous, self-serious way while doing so (his review of catalunya 2008 is also charming) - before adding his own spin to the whole thing. valentino has a close friend who travels with him everywhere and also plays the role of personal assistant? then jorge must get his own uccio! valentino finds it super easy to communicate with the public in a likeable and seemingly authentic way? then jorge must get his own public speaking coach so that jorge can learn to be just as effective! valentino smiles a lot? well, jorge should be doing more of that too! valentino has fashioned his own 'character'? jorge will manage to do so too, even though it will be hard to have a "better character" (?) than valentino! to jorge, valentino is the truest and ultimate reference point, one who jorge both emulates and strives to distinguish himself from. it even comes through when he's discussing chapter titles with his biographer, and whether 2009 should be framed around how close he'd come to beating valentino:

'The year I faced up to Valentino' seems to me like the best way to encapsulate everything that happened on the track and a good starting point to tackle the various prisms through which to analyse his second year as a MotoGP rider. However, a long silence and the look on his face says no, he's not happy with that. Jorge thinks that his life is his own and shouldn't be judged in comparison with anybody else, even Rossi. He prefers to reflect on it as the year when he fell one step short.

'even rossi' is not allowed to be someone jorge is judged against! and the thing is, right, jorge has clearly put a lot of thought into this. he's using his interviews to opine on the relationship between confidence and self-improvement. this is a kid who is deeply interested in narrativisation of his own experiences, in how he is perceived and managing that perception. he believes he's very much on a character arc here - there's a bildungsroman happening in his own head that he is the protagonist of. which inevitably means valentino is constantly being cast into roles that make him jorge's foil. he's the reference point, he's the past great, he's the one who jorge can learn from, he's the enemy, he monopolises attention. he's the middle film antagonist in the trilogy of jorge's career (or maybe the first film, I'm not sure if dovi gets his own entry as an origin story villain). jorge will take down the old guard and then supplant and surpass him using the lessons he's learnt from valentino. this isn't jorge's own words, but it's telling how the biographer frames jorge becoming valentino's teammate: "it is ironic that destiny has taken jorge as close to rossi as any rider could possibly be, sharing team colours, a garage (albeit with a wall down the middle) and maybe even the posters on the walls of young fans all over the world". okay, yeah, destiny, though it does also help that there's only three teams where a super highly rated young rider could have gone, and really the choice would have been primarily honda or yamaha. also jorge did choose to go for yamaha. like I get what you're saying, but that was a deliberate choice jorge and his team did very much make

^another photo from le mans. come on, this one's kinda compelling, isn't it?

destiny or not, the biography really emphasises what jorge wanted to get out of this opportunity. "keen to get to know valentino personally", "learning from him on the track", "eager to discover some of the secrets that make the world champion such a media phenomenon"... this was a chance to get up and close to valentino so he could study him! yes, obviously, to some extent any rookie would do this when partnered up with a more experienced rider, but well. jorge sure does think there's a lot to learn

ER: We have spoken a lot about Rossi but you haven't described him to me as a rider yet. What's he like? JL: What can I say about him? He's got everything. He has worked on everything to the point where he is good at everything. Maybe the only part he could still improve is his starts. He brakes well, really hard. He has good corner speed, he accelerates well. He is a great strategist and he wins a lot of races with his head. He's just extremely fast. He's also a racer - he's not necessarily one for practice, even though he has like 50 pole positions . . . he's won over 100 races. He is very strong when it comes to a mental battle and he has talent. And I'm sure the level of his talent means he doesn't have to be as physically well prepared as other riders.

setting aside for a minute jorge shading valentino's gym-going habits and mediocre starts, all the above excerpts taken in their entirety do help give you a nice sense of what exactly jorge was seeking to emulate in valentino. again, the bit you really, really have to be paying attention to with this rivalry is that what jorge is interested in is both the off-track and the on-track stuff. jorge speaks admiringly about how valentino has made the sport grow, about how he is a model and an inspiration in a way past riders cannot match. about how, while increasingly making the switch from 'fan' to 'competitor', he had to acknowledge for himself just how good valentino was. and what exactly makes valentino so good... he's well-rounded in his skills, even if he's more of a racer than a qualifier - but above all he "wins a lot of races in his head". it's his skills as a "strategist", in winning 'mental battles' that make him so dangerous. now, look, none of this is particularly original or all that insightful, including ragging on valentino's starts. that being said, it's a useful passage insofar as it tells us exactly what jorge was paying attention to when it came to valentino. always the mental stuff... jorge did more or less know what he was in for against valentino. he knew he was going to face someone who is smart, ruthless both on and off the bike... and a winner in both of those domains. and jorge wanted to win just as much as valentino had, if not even more

it's a great set up for a teammate rivalry! jorge is a real valentino rossi scholar and thinks he understands him very well, but he still doesn't know what it's like to have valentino take him on for the title. and valentino has ensured that jorge is already cut off from a key way to learn from him: by seeing valentino's data. valentino is facing several different threats in that era, from both outside of his team for supremacy in the championship and and within the team for supremacy in yamaha. again, just to restate the obvious: valentino had not spent years studying jorge. he's really not even done much intra-team warfare in the premier class, except insofar as he's applying pressure on management (rather than on teammates). but, hey, he's always been good at adapting to new challenges. jorge might have proven that he was not yet ready to fight for a title in his rookie season, but most are expecting his time will come sooner rather than later. and jorge is going to be fighting not just for yamaha's loyalty and not just for the championship - but also to get the public to love him every bit as much as they do valentino

vibes in the garage, plus a title fight

so, let's operate under the assumption that valentino had at least some level of awareness of how determined jorge was to learn from him. he certainly was wise to the threat jorge posed from the very start - and he clearly hadn't wanted jorge in the team, if given the choice. what do you do in that situation, if you're valentino and want to stave off this encroaching challenger for as long as is possible? okay, you've managed to engineer a scenario in which he can't look at any of your lovely data... but is that enough? what kind of relationship do you intend to cultivate with this kid?

valentino's answer seems to have been a very firm 'none whatsoever'. once valentino had lost the battle that led to jorge's appointment as his teammate, his response wasn't to immediately attempt to undermine him or mess with him... it was to ignore him. here's an excerpt from a december 2008 interview in the biography:

JL: We have never had an in-depth conversation. The relationship is cordial, but I've noticed that he puts a kind of barrier up. He doesn't want any kind of friendship with me and as far as I'm concerned it is not exactly essential to have one either. So we are polite with each other, we say 'hi' and that's it. Whenever we have to spend time together, like for example at the races when they send us out together in a convertible to wave to the public, we try and exchange a few words so that the situation isn't too tense, but you can tell that neither of us completely opens up. ER: And do you think that's a good thing? JL: I'm not the kind of person that thinks that just because you're risking your life racing against another person on the track, just because your livelihood depends on it, you can't look each other in the eye. Personally I would like to get on well with all the riders but because of the time constraints and the reality of a Grand Prix weekend it is just not possible. But I'm not one of those who think that just because you are my rival, you can't be my friend. ER: But you don't seem to look for that middle ground either. Do you think that any attempt to make friends is a sign of weakness? JL: It shouldn't be that way but... maybe if somebody has a lot of interest in getting on well with somebody, that person could possibly interpret it as a sign of submission. Of conceding ground. And Valentino, with good reason, will think that he is above his rivals. He is made to believe it by his fans and by the media and I'm sure he thinks that he is better than everybody else. The reality is that it's true, because right now he is the fastest rider and he won the World Championship.

right! let's discuss. first off, jorge is confirming for us that valentino did not opt for open or even private animosity in 2008. if he had, jorge sure would have talked about it in this tell-all biography. valentino instead essentially put this teammate rivalry on the back burner, while also making a clear decision to not have any kind of relationship with jorge that can be destroyed. this broadly tracks with his approach to rivals post-2004 - though he's still friendlier than this with dani and casey. you can speculate as to the reasons for this difference. the most obvious one is that jorge immediately established himself as a threat inside valentino's house, and was thus always to be treated with more suspicion than those other two. and yes, that is probably the most important reason... though it should be said that from the extremely limited anecdotal evidence we have at our disposal, it does seem to be that both dani and casey had more positive pre-motogp interactions with valentino than jorge did. which might also be because those two both had a link (if at times a tenuous one) with valentino - dani through their shared history at honda, casey by dint of sharing a nationality with most of valentino's crew. this little hint of pre-motogp tension, whether it's paddock gossip or jorge believing valentino was mocking him, also marks jorge out. was that really just a result of jorge's potential future with yamaha, when casey had also been a yamaha hopeful and seemed to be on friendly terms with valentino pre-2007?

there is also the option that valentino did not treat jorge all that differently from his other rivals. jorge says, after all, that things were "cordial" between the two of them - and it's not like valentino's relationship with either of the other two aliens went that far beyond 'polite colleagues' at the best of times. at this juncture, however, we should bring in a third party perspective on that rivalry:

Hector Martin has also been a first-hand witness to this intriguing relationship, or lack of it, with Valentino and he sums it up really well: 'Neither of them wants anything from the other. I have been with the pair of them on the way to an autograph signing session in Australia and they didn't say a word. They sat opposite each other in silence. It was lucky that on the way back Colin Edwards jumped in and he is so easy-going and such a good laugh that it broke the ice and the atmosphere was completely different. They even started talking! Valentino is really chatty but not with Jorge. And of course Jorge is his usual self - shy and very proud.' - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

all right then! the only other piece of evidence we have from that time is the commentators talking during the races about jorge and valentino being fairly friendly with each others in pressers and doing a small talk with each other (in both 2008 and 2009), which is nice of them to mention but obviously also an incomplete picture. if the above excerpt is really representative of their behind the scenes interactions, obviously this does cross the line to being quite unusual behaviour from valentino. we have no way of knowing whether he would have treated casey or dani the exact same way - but either way, it does feel like a deliberate approach on valentino's behalf. ever since the gibernau rivalry, valentino has demonstrated how calculated he can be in conducting relationships with his rivals on his terms, and adjusting the levels of interpersonal warmth according to what he considers appropriate in any given situation. by all accounts, valentino in 2008 did not attempt to make jorge's life in yamaha unpleasant. he was not being mean to him, not talking ill of him in public or even to the best of our knowledge behind the scenes. he wasn't taking the opposite approach either in being markedly friendly or charming to jorge (an approach he is now less associated with given that all his major rivalries went through a *coughs* rough patch, but one he was also perfectly capable of). instead, he chose... nothing. the bare minimum of socially mandated interactions. if they weren't having conversations in private, that wasn't down to the socially awkward, shy jorge - it was down to the outgoing conversationalist valentino, who could sweet talk a cactus if he put his mind to it. valentino decided he had no interest in engaging with jorge, and jorge essentially had little choice but to accept this state of affairs

so... why? it's not like valentino struggles so much to distinguish his friends from his rivals that a little small talk would stop him from being aggressive towards jorge on-track. is his post-2004 frigidness towards his rivals so extreme that he can't even chat a little during their car trips? well, again, his dynamic with casey and dani doesn't suggest as much, and it's also not like the 2008 version of valentino will necessarily see jorge as a bigger threat than the defending champion. did valentino just not like jorge's vibe? this does seem to have played a part of it... but we've already established a plausible explanation: completely ice him out as a simple, straightforward and pretty stress-free preventative measure to limit how much jorge could learn from him either on or off the track. here's the fun question: was this approach affected by any prior knowledge on valentino's part of how much jorge was intending to learn from valentino? given 'trying to learn from your older and more experienced teammate' isn't exactly the most unusual dynamic in the universe, would valentino have frozen out dani or casey in the same way? did jorge's celebrations play any role in this? did jorge doing a goat discourse play a role? how much of this was tailored to jorge's new role in the team and how much of it was about jorge the person?

let's switch perspectives and take another look at what jorge thought of all this. "maybe if somebody has a lot of interest in getting on well with somebody, that person could possibly interpret it as a sign of submission"... well, look, we've already established that valentino does use interpersonal friendliness as a kind of power play... but interpreting doing some small talk as a 'sign of submission' feels like it maybe tells us a little less about valentino and a little more about jorge and his understanding of valentino. jorge is very dedicated to his analysis of valentino - which seems to lead to a few unusual critiques of his rival, but also a tendency to try and rationalise all of his behaviour. if you think valentino is the greatest 'character' this sport has ever seen and has managed to successfully weaponise his charms to enthral the masses... then yes, maybe you will end up seeing valentino's unwillingness to open up to you as this complex stratagem to ensure you don't interpret his friendliness as a 'sign of submission'. what we're talking about are a few car rides, valentino's probably not doing much 'opening up' on the way to autograph signings with anyone. if anything, given how it does feel a touch far-fetched that valentino's friendliness towards his rookie teammate would be interpreted by anyone as him being a try-hard 'submitting' to jorge, this reads a little more like an explanation of why jorge is not engaging valentino in conversation than vice versa. does jorge's interpretation of valentino's behaviour as a sign of arrogance check out, given valentino's ample willingness to chat to other non-jorge riders, not least the aforementioned former teammate colin edwards? at a certain point, when you're dealing with someone with a reputation of mind games and you're very invested in figuring out how those mind games are working, sometimes you can fall prey to getting too invested in your sophisticated analysis of your target's motivations (a little more on that dynamic here, cf the casey 2009 anecdote)

^valentino following jorge around at mugello 2008. insert lame caption about 'who's learning from who'

there's more we could get into here, but let's not get stuck in 2008 here... the main point is that according to pretty much everyone, the relationship was more or less 'fairly polite' in 2008 and it explicitly wasn't a process akin to disillusionment from jorge's perspective - if anything, he seems keen to emphasise a degree of mutuality to the lack of opening up, his prior understanding of valentino and even a degree of 'sympathy' for valentino's approach. reporting from the time from a somewhat more neutral source than jorge's biography corroborates this, like here (in an article mainly about the more long-standing dani/jorge rivalry):

When it was announced last year that Jorge Lorenzo had signed to ride for Fiat Yamaha, lovers of gossip and scandal around the planet rubbed their hands in glee at having two of the largest egos on the planet sharing the confines of a single pit garage. The widespread expectation was that we would see more fireworks between the two Yamaha heroes than during a Chinese New Year celebration. So many people have been surprised by the air of if not quite harmony, then perhaps quiet acceptance of each other that has permeated the factory Yamaha team. Valentino Rossi and Jorge Lorenzo have rubbed along fairly quietly, without rubbing each other up the wrong way, much to the disappointment of the more sensationalist Italian press.

a win for restraint: valentino and jorge got a full year through their relationship as teammates without attempting to stab each other. let's move on to year two

the first thing we have to address, of course, is a controversy that was already bubbling along during late 2008. after a mass exodus from the michelin camp in late 2008, sparked by dani switching mid-season out of sheer irritation with the tyre's underperformance, motogp made the decision to only having a single tyre manufacturer. this meant that there was no longer any reason for a wall down the centre of the yamaha garage. time to get rid of it, right?

Theory, however, is foundering on the rocky shores of Valentino Rossi's will. The Doctor has been very public about his desire to keep the wall in place next year, leaving him and his team to focus on the job of defending his 2008 world title.  His Fiat Yamaha team mate, Jorge Lorenzo, disagrees. Both men were attending the Monza Rally Show at Milan's legendary Monza circuit in Italy, and while there, Lorenzo was asked what he thought of the wall dividing the two pit boxes. "It's Vale's choice, not mine," he told Italian site GPOne.com. "Now that we're both on Bridgestones, we don't need it any more, there are no secrets to keep. Rossi's attitude looks like a sign of weakness towards me, but he has won 6 MotoGP titles, I haven't won any. I don't understand." Rossi's reply was fast, and clear. "There are two riders who both want to win the world championship at Yamaha," Rossi said. "The wall improves the harmony in the team, and it worked well this year. Why change?"  But The Doctor was willing to offer some concessions to Lorenzo, however ironic: "I'll only keep the wall on my side," he joked, "But Jorge can pull down the one on his side!" Adding insult to injury, Rossi finished the Monza rally in 2nd place, while Lorenzo managed only a 38th place. - from here

the reasons why both sides took the stance they did should be fairly obvious by this point, so I won't dwell on them too much. while the issue of data sharing does seem to have been an issue in yamaha contract negotiations before the tyre switch (cf casey discussing the matter in his autobiography), of course it provided valentino with a pretty straightforward excuse to keep his secrets - and it's easier to insist on the status quo than enforce a departure of tradition. once the wall was up, valentino could work to ensure it stayed in place. timing played into his hands here when his tyre switch coincided with jorge graduating to the premier class, and he took full advantage. the biography suggests this wall may have counterintuitively been beneficial for jorge, which your mileage will very much vary on. in some ways, they will have both benefited from a little bit of distance from each other - though they did prove in their second teammate stint that they were perfectly capable of cooperating more closely. it probably would have helped them at times to have a more cooperative dynamic back then but, at the end of the day, it also probably didn't make much of a difference in terms of their actual results. it provided a nice little source of needle for both of them, but it did not cause that much open animosity. there may have been a wall, but the two riders were not at war

despite this wall and supposed separation between the two camps, there was still a fair bit of competitive paranoia to be mined for all sorts of petty arguments. again, this never spilled over to full-blown hostilies in 2009, but provided a backdrop of small-scale arguments fought via proxies in the press. here is jorge on the atmosphere in the team:

Such criticism eventually came to be a source of friction between Jorge and Rossi during 2009. 'Yamaha haven't got involved in it. [Lin] Jarvis just asked for a good atmosphere in the team and said that he didn't want either of us winding up the other. I think we've both pretty much respected that, but Valentino has let the odd thing slip out. For example, the time he told the press that it was him that had developed the Yamaha, even though it was his crew who copied settings from us at some races! I'd like to hear him explain how it was at some races that they were lost in practice and then, after looking at our data, seeing where I was braking, they improved. At some races I have been much faster using my own data rather than using his settings. And then he says that he created the Yamaha and that I don't deserve the same treatment or the same material. I don't think so! I'm not having that. I'm afraid I can't accept it.' - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

wouldn't the line "at some races I have been much faster using my own data rather than using his settings" imply that... he had tried out valentino's settings...? never mind, look, they were clearly both at it and then retroactively played this petty game of he said she said in the press - with valentino mostly making snide implications in jorge's direction and jorge mostly making loud and direct rebuttals in valentino's. their teams got in on the fun too:

Valentino's crew chief, Jeremy Burgess, added to the controversy at Mugello when he commented; 'We have a rider in Valentino who develops the bike and on the other side of the garage a guy who just has to ride it.' However, at the Sachsenring, when Rossi beat Lorenzo by just 0.099 seconds, the Australian reportedly made a sarcastic remark to one of Jorge's technicians, thanking him for the settings. 'I am almost certain that at some races Valentino's team have changed his bike according to our information,' Jorge maintains. 'As far as I'm concerned the facts are that Valentino has developed the Yamaha since 2004 - with the help of Colin Edwards, by the way. Let's not forget that. But if we're talking about the changes you make to the bike over the course of a weekend, it is not true to say that we copy his data. I have my crew chief, who is the person that sets the bike up for me, and throughout this [2009] season we hardly made any major changes to the bike from the first race to the last. Valentino's telemetry is not available to me and neither is mine to him. That is perfectly normal, but don't then go and say that things are only going well for us because we're using your settings, because that is a lie.' - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

valentino and jb - very much a rider/crew chief dynamic of two blokes who matched each other's freak, with jb nicely prone to being just a little bit messy himself. attentive readers may note there is a slight disparity between jorge's insistence that he doesn't copy valentino here and couldn't do so because of the lack of data sharing and him saying he's "almost certain" valentino was copying him (and also straight up saying valentino's crew had copied them in the excerpt above). obviously, this is all quite silly, a classic mix of competitive paranoia and sheer, undiluted pettiness. it is also mostly just noise - argument for argument's sake that doesn't tell us all that much either about their dynamic or genuine emotions towards each other or anything else. it does tell us something insofar as 'coming up with fairly flimsy reasons to have a public spat' is something both jorge and valentino are incredibly adept at, so it's hardly surprising their teammate relationship featured plenty of this, even in the early years. we still need to contextualise this: just because they were making snide insinuations in each other's directions, it still doesn't mean they were feuding. they were still outwardly cordial towards each other, low on the open hostilities... but clearly, the war within yamaha was already waging at this time

^indy 2009. see, they can do small talk!

the other manner in which this war was waging was by way of endless rider market speculation. let's leave a more detailed timeline for another day - the most important point is that both of them were more than happy to provide the media with free and easy content when it came to talk of their futures. you have valentino increasingly threatening that it is impossible for him and jorge to coexist in yamaha, that yamaha can only have one main rider. you have jorge on the one hand taking a line of 'it's not me who has a problem with coexisting within yamaha' and on the other making a big song and dance out of the process of re-signing with yamaha for 2010. while valentino's contract ran until the end of 2010, jorge's was up at the end of 2009 and he was thus very publicly courting and being courted at various stages by both honda and ducati. negotiations with ducati were complicated by how ducati very actively pursuing jorge while casey was out with illness - and reportedly ducati offered jorge far far more than they were paying casey, plus were (according to rumours) even willing to offer him number one status. at one point, it was being reported that the deal with jorge and ducati was basically done and would soon be announced, which does suggest that these negotiations went pretty far. (it was this development that played a big part in definitively destroying the relationship between ducati and casey.) eventually, jorge re-signed with yamaha on a one-year deal, announced in august of 2009 - but it really cannot be overstated how much jorge had deliberately whipped up media speculation until that point to make it into a major talking point. an excerpt from an article from the time:

Lorenzo has had to bring his decision forward due to the pressure being put on him by Yamaha. Tired of being made to wait, and leave their own plans in limbo while Jorge Lorenzo makes up his mind, the Japanese factory has reportedly issued Lorenzo an ultimatum, and he will have to make a decision by the time the MotoGP circus reaches Indianapolis. At Indy, Lorenzo is due to give a press conference to announce his decision, and put all this wild speculation to bed. In a little over a week's time, we will finally find out how much of all this has been the product of hyperactive journalistic imaginations, and how much has a basis in fact. Whatever the outcome, a lot of people are likely to be relieved that the whole rigmarole is finally over.

at the end of the year, in midst of another round of valentino-to-ducati rumours, valentino added fuel to the fire by strengthening his stance and saying yamaha would have to choose between jorge and him. jorge too had left his options open - it seems likely that the short length of the new contract was his choice rather than yamaha's, and he will surely still have been interested in exploring options with both honda and ducati if yamaha could not give him what he wanted. one of the major sticking points, as ever, was money. if yamaha could not adequately compensate him and bring his salary in line with valentino's, then perhaps he would take another look at that lovely big money ducati offer

so, this was all the off-track faffing about, but reportedly motogp did also have 'races' in 2009 where there was actual 'racing' between the riders. and at the end of the day, on-track performance would always matter more than anything else in deciding supremacy within yamaha. how, then, did the two of them fare when competing directly? jorge had a full year of experience of motogp under his belt and could now fight for the title, valentino had reclaimed his throne and was the defending champion. who could fail to be excited by the prospect of this confrontation?

well, most of motogp, as it happens. it wasn't a particularly exciting prospect for the simple reason that this was not the title fight people went into that season expecting to see. we were supposed to get casey/valentino, round three, with dani and especially jorge perhaps playing bigger roles than they had in years past. casey had finished 2008 as the form man, along with valentino, with the pair splitting the last four races - and all the noises from ducati were positive that they had actually decided to try and improve their bike for the start of the season this time. qatar once again proved a happy hunting ground for casey in a spectacularly dull race where he won by over seven seconds and valentino was a further eight seconds ahead of jorge. it was immediately readily apparent that honda and its riders were not going to be in title contending form for various reasons - but jorge inserted himself into the conversation by winning the second race in motegi ahead of his teammate. jorge had been talking down his chances before the season started, stressing he didn't think he'd be in the title fight yet this year... but could he be misleading us? could we be in for a three-way title fight?

well, maybe not. jorge started on pole at jerez and was the clear pre-race favourite, but for some reason his pace just wasn't there. valentino ended up hunting down first casey (lovely block pass into the final corner to eventually get past, sans contact for a change) and then dani to take the win. jorge, perhaps pushing too much at frustration with his poor race, crashed out. it was a costly error that immediately weakened his championship challenge, and valentino and casey were the early leaders in that title fight. was jorge still not ready to launch a proper title bid? were there still just too many errors in his game to allow him to compete with the very best? was he too impatient? too brash?

not to worry, it was valentino's turn to show that experience is no antidote to idiocy. at a flag-to-flag race at le mans, valentino handed in what was surely one of the most embarrassing performances of his career, one that saw him *checks notes and takes a deep breath* pit too early to switch to slicks, crash, go back to the pits to change bikes, get a penalty for speeding in the pitlane to be served by riding through the pitlane, and later pitting again to change bikes a third time. valentino had gone through that lane three times before jorge had pitted once. he stubbornly soldiered on - and did not get rewarded for this in the slightest by finishing in 16th place, last of the remaining riders and two laps down. (see here for his expression in the post-race interview, he's looked happier.) jorge won the race. after this, it was time to go to valentino's favourite track, his beloved home race at mugello where he had won seven straight years. surely, this would be the place to smooth over the errors of le mans, to stamp his authority back on this year's championship and show everyone exactly who was in charge? eh. not quite. this was another messy race, and this time the conditions made valentino decide to be cautious - however much he loved his home race, he could not afford another major mistake. valentino finished in third place. mugello had fallen, and worst of all it had been his number one rival casey to take the win. to add insult to injury, he had also been beaten by his young teammate. valentino didn't publicly seem particularly bothered by this after the race, but the italian press sure was bothered. this was supposed to be the defending champion, italy's hero, and he had only won one race of the first five that season. he was third in the championship standings, a staggering five points behind jorge and an even more appalling nine points behind casey. did he really believe this was acceptable behaviour? what did he think he was playing at? was he even putting any effort into this shit?

reportedly, the pressure only grew over the course of the weekend at the next race. valentino had lost out in qualifying to jorge and had qualified a shocking second. the italian media were happy to give him a piece of their minds sunday morning of the race, publicly contemplating the extent to which their one-time icon was now extremely washed. this race had additional significance, since motogp had followed up a visit to valentino's home with a visit to jorge's. it was time for catalunya

right, we will have to give this one a fair bit of attention. it's their most famous battle, it completely changes the momentum of that season, and it's also a fascinating text in the rivalry between the pair of them. valentino and jorge initially need a little bit of time to escape the chasing pack, including casey who makes a feisty start but is soon physically flagging. from then on, we get a rarity in that era: an actual race-long duel for the win. both competitors size each other up, both spend some time in the lead - at one point, in classic fashion, valentino seemingly deliberately lets jorge ahead for a chance to stalk and study him. when it comes to the conclusion of the duel, I'll let jorge himself tell you how it went down:

[Lorenzo's sports psychologist] Pep also had his own ideas about what went wrong at Montmelo. 'He thought it was a problem of mental elasticity, of knowing how to adapt to situations in hand-to-hand combat. I mean, I did the best I could considering how few times I'd found myself in that situation before. In 250s I used to escape whenever I could, and on the odd occasion I had to fight my way through the pack. In MotoGP I have been in battles with other guys when 1 have been fighting back from bad starts but I wasn't used to fighting throughout a race with a rider on the same pace - especially not somebody like Valentino, who is the best there is at that.' The moment is upon us. If it was exciting watching and experiencing the race at Montmelo first hand, then hearing about it from the horse's mouth surely would be too. 'The truth is that I did everything right. I played my cards as best I could, which was making the most of my superior corner speed. Basically my tactic [throughout the race] was to use that speed through the final corner to get into Rossi's slipstream and then pass him at the end of the straight. I did it well, apart from on one occasion when he passed me back around the outside under braking - the one where he had to pull his knee back in as he passed me. I still wasn't braking well at that point and it was really tough for me to make a pass stick because he was so much stronger on the brakes.' Jorge stops in his tracks, closes his eyes, and visualises the pass again. He smiles. 'Then came the last lap,' he picks up again. 'This time I managed to pass him in the slipstream and close the door at the end of the straight. I told myself I had to do whatever it took to block every gap. First he passed me in the Repsol corner. I braked late but I didn't cover the gap and he dived inside, braking even later to the point that I knew he couldn't hold the inside line so I could pass him back. I thought to myself, "Okay, that's the first one out of the way!" I knew he was going to try it again in the next corner, the slowest on the track, so I blocked it off. In theory there was only one more place to defend - the corner that leads into the stadium section. I got a really good exit from the third-gear corner that leads onto the short back straight and left him a little bit behind. I moved to the inside line to prepare a block, braking hard and tight into the turn so that it was impossible for him to pass. However, he came around the outside and got his braking just right, recovering the few metres I had taken out of him on the' straight. So he was right on my ass again. There was a remote possibility that he might try it in the final corner but I don't know, there was a part of my brain that wanted to believe it was impossible, that the race was won, and another part that just knew he was going to try it.'

It is an intense moment and Jorge is blinking hard/as he speaks. Even Hector Martin, seated a short distance away, is straining to hear. 'A part of me was saying "This cabron. is going to try it any way he can, even if he's right up on the rumble strip. He's either going to try it on the way into the corner or under acceleration on the straight and he won't care if we both crash." At this point I'll bring up something Pep Font said that he believes came into my mind: "If I'm leading and there are two corners left, if I can be really fast or at least faster than him, then logically I will win the race." In a way that is true. "If I ride perfectly then it's impossible for him to pass me," I thought. But of course that didn't account for him trying something on the inside, something big. He could interfere with my line and block my route so that I couldn't take it as quickly as I wanted. That lack of "mental flexibility" cost me the race. I braked late but kept the corner open so that I could get out of there as quickly as possible. It was a normal line but not a line that blocked a pass, which is what I should have done!' It later emerged that Rossi had already tried that pass on Stoner two years earlier. Jorge, who has been watching races since those early days with his father back in Mallorca, knew it. 'But I thought that if I managed three very, very quick corners then it didn't matter what he tried. Sometimes you can be riding on the limit and feel it is impossible to go any faster, and then you see other guys are taking two seconds a lap out of you. I'm sure that Valentino could have gone quicker through the last three corners, if he was giving everything to do that, because we were neck and neck, but instead of letting off the brakes where - I did he left it a fraction later and he still had them on until the point where he was on my line. Once he was there I had to either ride over him, which wouldn't have been very smart, or accept second place.' That defeat was the first step in a process of change in Jorge's mental approach and training programme. - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

some points of order: the bit where jorge describes valentino out-braking him down the main straight and retracting his knee to get back past happens on the penultimate lap (screenshots here). when he says he managed to 'close the door' on the final lap, he does mean almost running valentino off the track. also, to the biographer, valentino didn't 'try' that pass on casey, he successfully executed it - and it didn't 'later emerge' he'd tried that pass because casey himself repeatedly brought it up (in between attempting to not keel over dead) in order to rag on jorge for not having seen it coming

and a few more key details. jorge's mistaken belief that he would have the race won as long as he was ahead going into the final corners was something that according to the race commentary, he did quite literally tell them in the week before the race (which, don't ever do that?) - which is also referenced in this 2020 interview, where he said he "kind of" saw it coming and also talked about the casey 2007 move. valentino never gives us quite this much info on the race, but he did tell journalists afterwards that he had been visualising the overtake in his mind the past week:

It also shows how important the mental aspect is of motorcycle racing. After the race, Valentino Rossi told reporters that he had been dreaming of that pass all week, preparing it in his mind in case he needed it. Jorge Lorenzo said that he had left the door open, not expecting Rossi to be able to pass there, and was surprised to see him appear up the inside.

this race does fit into a tradition of valentino being extremely adept at managing momentum over the course of a season, plus is part of a history of somewhat unlikely wins that ended up representing significant turning points (see here). and jorge and dani have spoken about how valentino's entire approach to racing was built around making himself a nightmare in direct combat (see here, also on valentino's 1 vs 1 record against jorge). but let's get back to jorge. this will have been a doubly frustrating defeat in that it happened at his home race (nothing valentino likes more than beating spaniards there), triply so because valentino goes all in on his celebrations, makes a point of breaking out of parc fermé to receive the adulation of jorge's countrymen (which jorge then likewise did). quadruply so in interrupting jorge in his interview to make sure the initial post-race exchange is caught on cameras and mics (jorge manages to not say anything controversial). quintuply (?) so when jorge will have later seen the ecstatic celebrations of valentino's team and valentino pointing at the number 99 on jorge's bike as he claimed his 99th win. there's nothing that valentino enjoys more than making his rival suffer a little more when they are already hurting, to bite harder when his opponent is bleeding. if you will. point is, this is a defeat that hurt. jorge had almost beaten the great valentino rossi in a direct duel, he had come as close as it is possible to doing so. and he had failed

^valentino going over to tell his young teammate what an amazing race that was :D what's that? ten cameras in their faces to capture just how much jorge is returning the smile? well, I'm sure that's just a coincidence :D

note too jorge thinking during the race that valentino would be willing to make them both crash. this may well be correct. of valentino's three most famous career overtakes - jerez '05, laguna '08 and catalunya '09 - this is the 'cleanest' in that there is no contact and the victim had no grounds to complain after the race. still, they do all involve a significant amount of risk, and jorge acknowledges he had to make the choice to adjust his line to stop them both from crashing. given that jerez and laguna represent such glaring examples in which valentino did clearly make the 'if we crash, we crash' call, given the state of the title fight and the significance of this battle within that fight and the yamaha situation and their entire rivalry, given how easily this move - which was very much not at one of the track's 'overtaking spots' - could have gone wrong.... well, it's hardly unreasonable to suggest that valentino really would have been willing to accept both of them crashing out. jorge made an error in forgetting that you can't just defend in racing by 'being faster than your opponent' and should maybe also consider 'actually defending your lines' - but what if he hadn't done that? do we really think if jorge had been a little more diligent in protecting the inside line that valentino wouldn't have tried that move?

of course, it would have been a little awkward in the yamaha garage if valentino had turned a comfortable yamaha 1-2 into a ducati win at the very last corner... and casey, after all, as the then-championship leader was on paper and vibes-wise valentino's most serious threat that season. maybe valentino only made that pass because he knew he could do so with acceptable levels of risk. maybe it was entirely reasonable to expect that jorge would make the right choice and settle for second. or maybe jorge made a mistake here (beyond the shortcomings in his defence) and should have taken the hit, stuck it out and let them crash if it came to it. maybe jorge made it too easy for valentino at every stage of that final corner, maybe valentino learned that day that in direct wheel-to-wheel combat, there was only so far jorge was willing to go. whatever your interpretation, however, the two of them had demonstrated markedly different approaches that day: jorge had worked to be the fastest and valentino had worked to beat jorge. and so, jorge had unwittingly played his part in providing valentino with one of his most memorable victories. there is a tone of resentment in describing the intensity of valentino's post-race celebrations, in particular in the dorna-produced 2010 documentary, as if valentino had overplayed what an important victory it was. after all, jorge had spent much of that early season downplaying even being in the title fight. but valentino had never made any secret of how seriously he took jorge as a threat

^jorge pulls valentino down from the podium to give him a hug, giving us these interesting vibes. casey emotes from the side of the screen (he's trying not to collapse)

the title fight after catalunya is tied at a pleasing 106 points apiece between casey, jorge and valentino - but from then on, valentino gets the edge and never entirely relinquishes it. he comfortably wins assen to take his 100th win, outperforms both of his title rivals when he slots in behind dani at laguna. he wins another highly dramatic duel against jorge at sachsenring by a mere .099, further establishing the decisive edge he holds in wheel-to-wheel combat. then, a wet race at donington, which quite frankly is a horror show from all of the aliens in different ways - but crucially valentino crashes and works his way back up to fifth and jorge just crashes. and at brno, valentino wins while jorge crashes again. both times, it's out of the lead. brno is the first of three in which casey does not compete due to his mystery illness, taking him definitively out of the title hunt. to borrow a commentator's cliche, it seems that valentino has one hand on the title already

it is at this point that valentino is kind enough to bring some life back into proceedings by crashing in indianapolis, when he should have comfortably finished second behind jorge. whichever way you slice it, this was obviously a deeply stupid and unnecessary error given the state of the championship - and does characterise the general tone of that particular title fight... a lot of dumb errors from all parties, a lot of very boring races, spiced up by the occasional classic race. but valentino bounces back successfully at misano, donning a donkey's helmet on his way to victory, as well as donkey ears on the podium, in order to make fun of himself for the indy error. let's get jorge's thoughts:

Rossi's donkey. At Misano my Captain America was replaced on track by Rossi’s donkey - the one he put on his helmet and the ears he wore onto the podium. It is one of the funniest celebrations I have seen Valentino do and I laughed when I saw him get the helmet out. He is an expert at turning things around, and that wasn't the only occasion he put that talent to good use this weekend. On the podium he tried to hush the fans who were whistling at me. Personally I saw their reaction as normal because they were defending one of their own. - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

... oh, jorge

the championship once again seems comfortably in valentino's grasp - but at estoril, another twist: some set-up errors from valentino and just a lack of pace leave him stranded in fourth (casey has returned to nick a podium spot off him) while jorge wins. three rounds to go and a mere eighteen points between the pair of them, hardly a comfortable margin. plus, the very last race is at valencia, and everyone knows valentino straight up sucks there. it's perhaps the most error-strewn of any of valentino's campaigns since his rookie season, and momentum is on jorge's side. they go to phillip island next - a circuit at which valentino has more of a history of success than jorge. will he be able to open up the gap between the two of them once again?

yes, as it happens. valentino tries a new trick and decides to actually bother being fast in practise. it's not a bad approach, so obviously intimidating is the pace that himself and casey can run that weekend. jorge is on the back foot - and it's quickly clear that he might have to contend himself to fighting it out with dani while casey and valentino battle out front. in the end, jorge can't even manage that. he makes a major error headed into turn one and crashes, while valentino (who had been informed of a personal tragedy the day before, tw suicide) settles for second behind casey. it turns a close title fight into practically a done deal. valentino seals the title with a somewhat rough performance in the wet at sepang - and celebrates by making a chicken-related gag about how he's old now, because of course he does. jorge is once again kind enough to provide us with his take on valentino's celebrations:

Not such an old hen. As for his celebration - the old chicken makes good soup - I thought it was a good idea; so was the egg idea but I don't think there was a subliminal message. The one thing I don't agree with is that he's as old as he says because Bayliss won at 37 and he [Rossi] is still only 30... My congratulations. I have been asked if I found it difficult to congratulate Rossi. It is a matter of respect, of being a gentleman and recognising the bravery and talent that the man has. If he is better than you, as he was this year, you have to recognise that and congratulate him for it. So my congratulations go to him. As for the nice things he said about me. I've also been asked if I thought he was being sincere. You have to remember that Valentino is a well-liked rider for a reason, and if he behaved that way it is because he thought he should - because he felt he should for the same reasons I felt I should congratulate him. - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

....... oh, jorge

both here and in misano jorge is very committed to his stance of magnanimity towards valentino. perhaps just a hint of posturing mixed in with the sincerity, but he's keen to emphasise the respect between the two of them... how much jorge appreciates the celebrations, valentino shushing the italians booing at misano (which jorge is in any case understanding of), valentino complimenting jorge after the 2009 title fight was concluded. valentino is a "well-liked rider for a reason" - for now they are still operating within a morally correct and righteous framework where they both act as 'gentlemen' towards each other and can appreciate the other's merits. of course, valentino has demonstrated in the past that he is perfectly willing to throw away that framework under the right circumstances, but for now he is still willing to play to it

When Jorge congratulated Valentino on the title in Sepang, the Italian replied: 'A great year, a great rival.' - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

the season ends with a dani win after casey crashes on the warm-up lap - and in possibly jorge's greatest crime of the season, he finishes behind valentino at valencia. that's a wrap on 2009... but of course, the grind never stops, and both of them were already being a bit messy to the media over the course of the off-season. valentino knew headed into 2010 that jorge would be no easy foe the second time round and openly acknowledged as much (though jorge was struggling with a hand injury during pre-season). his season started on the best possible note, with a win at qatar for the first time since 2006 when habitual qatar winner casey crashed out of the lead. then, valentino bagged himself a nasty shoulder injury in a motocross crash. from that point onward, he was on the back foot and knew as much. he may not have missed any races as a result of the shoulder - but he was managing high levels of pain and was hampered competitively. jorge won the next two races. at mugello, with jorge in the championship lead and valentino pushing harder and harder to overcome his physical issues, valentino crashed during practise and broke his leg. his title bid was finished

special enemies

from this point onward, jorge would dominate the rest of this season and seal his first championship with a comfortable margin. it also conclusively shifted the balance of power within yamaha - who now had their new champion, a younger rider who had proven he could live up to his potential. and it set the stage for valentino's ducati misadventures, partly inspired by genuine passion for making the italian fairy tale come true and partly driven by his frustration at having to coexist in the same team with jorge (cf the financial crisis and valentino reportedly being handed a significant pay cut). in truth, this situation probably couldn't have gone well for much longer - and valentino wasn't the only one publicly flirting with other manufacturers as a result of feeling inadequately respected by yamaha (see more on the 2010 rider market here and a little more on 'valentino + ducati' here). but valentino was one of the two riders engaged in this war and in the end he was the one who made the error of moving to ducati... in the end he was the one who would have to pay the price for this competitive misjudgement

so, let's set aside all this title fight business and get to the serious stuff: what does beating valentino mean to jorge? when we're assessing any particular rivalry, it always always important to establish the actual stakes. there's the obvious stakes of the competition in itself, in this case winning the title. there's the added tension created by the teammate dynamic, how both have repeated the adage that the first rider one has to beat is one's teammate, how their rivalry was shaped by the battle for yamaha's loyalties. but then, of course, there is a little more that defines that relationship. there is the inter-generational aspect, wherein jorge wants to supplant valentino's place in the sport. winning a title fight isn't just about racking up another title - it is about what the future of the sport looks like. and in jorge's grand coming-of-age arc, valentino's role is one of additional significance. valentino is, according to jorge, the greatest of all time. valentino is the reference point. if jorge can just beat valentino, then he will have taken a big step in becoming a legend to rival valentino

On 30 October 2008 Jorge Lorenzo was quoted in the Spanish daily newspaper AS as saying: 'I get more excited by beating Rossi than Pedrosa.'

the biography doesn't mention it but let's reinsert some context here - when jorge gave the above quote, the last time he had finished a race ahead of valentino was in june. this was also two days after dani had beaten jorge directly, in a race in which jorge had almost crashed them both out during the last lap. which, yes, is very jorge, but also is kinda telling in how jorge was already looking ahead to victories to come after he had been repeatedly bruised and battered that year. dani might be his rival for the soul of the spanish nation, but valentino is his rival for the soul of motogp. and reading those words, reading the above excerpt, reading his biography (with several updated versions that in its final form covers jorge's story until end of the 2009 season), there is one omission that does kinda jump out at me. it is a question that I ask myself frequently anyway, but it particularly bothered me in this case... it felt especially glaring here, almost galling in how obvious the question should be. I am talking, of course, of one of our world's most common queries - one I'm sure all of you have often asked yourselves too, that many of you have perhaps been asking yourselves while reading this very post... where is casey stoner?

no, seriously. if you read the book, you would be forgiven for thinking that valentino had won the 2007 title. jorge's rookie season was taking place during casey's title defence - like casey was very much the guy to beat in that season, which valentino at least did seem to be aware of. there's plenty of stuff about dani, plenty about valentino, a fair bit about dovi, but not about 2007 champion and 2008 runner-up casey stoner, who jorge did also race in the lower classes basically as much as he did dani. casey does get mentioned - there's a hilarious line about how jorge thought young casey wasn't pr conscious enough, a segment about his 2009 negotiations with ducati that are pretty funny when you read them side-by-side with casey's opinions on the matter - but he's otherwise oddly absent from jorge's narrative. casey has been kind enough to provide us a little colour about those years from his perspective, including his description of how arrogant jorge had been towards casey at the start of his rookie season (they're included here). you end up getting the sense jorge didn't really pay all that much attention to casey before the latter started beating his ass on a honda. I'm not bringing this up just out of a deep-seated compulsion to include a casey tangent in all of my posts, but because it's quite a neat demonstration of how important the power of narratives was in jorge's head. those three other rivals had a clear role in jorge's story, whereas casey was 'that other guy who also won a championship that one time through the power of the red bike, I guess'. by all accounts, jorge should have been a little more focused on casey when he entered the premier class - given how, and I cannot stress this enough, he was very much the defending champion when jorge made his debut. but beating dani meant more to him. and apparently, beating valentino meant most of all

of course, not everyone would agree with this assessment. here is what jorge's trainer-turned-manager had to say in 2009:

The final word goes to Marcos Hirsch: 'Our mental preparation includes the depersonalisation of rivals. We are not competing against Rossi or anybody else. Jorge is racing against unnamed obstacles. - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

this bears some surface-level similarity to casey's rhetoric in his autobiography of never getting obsessed with his rivals, and is obviously nothing at all like valentino's approach. valentino doesn't race against 'unnamed obstacles' - which is to his advantage, for over the course of his career he has thrived in the exact flavour of personalised combat jorge's trainer is here rejecting. here's a question: is this suggested approach a good idea? is it even feasible to race against 'unnamed obstacles', unless you see races as a mere extension of time attack mode where your fate is contingent on your pure pace and nothing else? is it to your benefit to pretend like you are "not competing against rossi or anybody else"? at the end of the day, jorge was competing against valentino in 2009. he was competing against valentino when he was robbed of the victory at the very last corner at catalunya. that is a move perhaps only valentino would ever have made, but he made it - and he had made it before in catalunya 2007 (see what happens when you don't pay enough attention to casey and his victories). say you're headed to a different final corner, a few years down the line against a rider who is known for being a) very aggressive, and b) a massive fan of valentino, who had once made an infamous race-winning move at that very same corner. when you're judging how much to defend into that corner, how much space to give, you probably don't want to ignore those two facts, do you? jorge generally did not manage to depersonalise his rivals in quite the manner his manager was suggesting - but to the extent that he did so, was that really such a good idea?

the october 2010 edition of gq italy features an interview with valentino. while by a fun coincidence it was published shortly after the race in motegi (more on that in a moment), I think we can probably safely assume the interview was conducted before that race. here is what valentino had to say about casey and jorge:

Q: Since you’ve hurt yourself, it seems that Stoner and Lorenzo have finally found the courage to say what they really think about you. Rossi: Yes, and I am glad. When you are injured and start to lose blood, the younger ones immediately feel stronger and think they can tear you apart: it’s like the jungle! But I like it. That’s just the way it is. At the beginning, Lorenzo, like Stoner, used to say: “Ah, Valentino, he was my hero when I was little”, but it is not true. It’s all rubbish. I am just an obstacle, a target. Like Biaggi was for me. When 2 people are fighting for the same goal, it is normal to hate each other. You are lying if you deny it. I am not talking about homicidal hate but violent, yes. As such, it pleases me that Stoner and Lorenzo say what they really think about me. Because it is the truth. Q: We watched the race at Mugello, and when Lorenzo was in front of the cameras wishing you to get well soon, we were amazed. What do you think? Rossi: How fake…

the interviewer references how tensions between valentino and his two primary rivals of the time had seemingly risen after valentino had broken his leg. this is broadly correct, as is the suggestion that there were some more open criticisms of valentino by his rivals during that time period (hilariously, the ever-tactful casey was talking about how much nicer the british grand prix was without valentino's fans). valentino expresses his preference for open hostilities as he has done at various stages of his career (notably so after 2004) - and it isn't a coincidence he brings in the biaggi comparison here. valentino once had a biaggi poster in his room, then he did his best to destroy him. jorge and casey have both spoken about how much they admire valentino, now they want to do to vale what vale once did to biaggi. this kind of emotionally detached situationally nasty type of rivalry is in many ways the mode of engagement that valentino is most comfortable with. while casey and jorge might have had all kinds of complicated emotions towards valentino, vale does not reciprocate these - and instead uses a sort of impersonal negative affect to motivate himself. valentino wrote in his autobiography that he did not 'hate' biaggi, whereas here he does talk about hate for competitors... but broadly speaking, in both cases he's talking about a 'pure' competitive impulse of a sort. one that isn't affected by some kind of a prior personal relationship with his rival, one where he hasn't been hurt by his enemy. valentino could never have been hurt by casey and jorge, because he never care about them in the first place (after all, he could only be hurt by a 'friend'). to the extent that interpersonal animosity motivates him, it is quite a shallow kind - one that valentino is happy to discard when the competitive landscape no longer requires it. hating might help valentino fight harder, but it doesn't mean anything to him

there is also the emphasis on authenticity, the idea that the underlying truth of that dynamic has been 'revealed' at least. this, too, is a common theme in valentino's output - and one he also has a tendency to link to biaggi. his first serious feud, his first serious rivalry in the premier class, and one that in a way set the tone for everything that was to follow. biaggi never made a secret of his distaste for valentino, and valentino took his cues accordingly. of course casey and jorge would hate valentino. of course he would hate them. that's what they're all there for, isn't it?

^do we think his team bought a shirt from one of the merch stands or what

and then, there is the question of the t-shirt jorge wore at mugello, the one valentino dismisses with the line "how fake"... from anecdotal evidence, he was not alone in this assessment. valentino did not have to do much work himself here - for jorge was already seen as a bit of a try-hard, a little inauthentic. this was a gesture that was practically tailor-made to be dismissed, with its naked appeal to valentino's home crowd, everyone's knowledge of the simmering tensions between the two teammates, and the general assessment that of course jorge would be happy that the defending champion was removed from his path. who wouldn't be? what kind of competitor would feel differently? why was jorge always so determined to go that extra step, the one that opened him up for mockery as his gestures were rejected? why did he need to be seen as a good sportsman? why did most people refuse to see him that way?

let's bring in something jorge said shortly after the race at mugello:

"You know, before Valentino crashed we beat him two times in a row," said Lorenzo. "I don't know if this affected his mind or not. I don't know if he crashed because of that or not. But it's a pity for everyone that he is not here." Ironically, the pressure Rossi may or may not have been feeling was instantly transferred onto Lorenzo, albeit in a different form. And it was a lot for the 23-year-old to take in. "Maybe at Mugello I was a little bit confused, because when Vale crashed the championship changed a lot for us," said Lorenzo. "There was not long between his crash and the race. It was difficult to process everything that had happened in that time." - from here

and that's the thing about jorge, isn't it. in retrospect, the optics of the mugello t-shirt were 'not ideal' - too easy to mock, too easy to be considered insincere - but he only had one day to make that choice at a time when he himself was still processing what had occurred. he had been transformed for one of two title rivals to essentially the champion elect overnight, the overwhelming favourite for the rest of the season. he wanted to play the moment just right, determined not to come across as gleeful, determined to seem respectful, especially in front of the mugello crowd. but however much jorge is actively invested in selling himself, at the end of the day his incredible earnestness has a tendency to sneak through. this is how you get the perhaps ever so slightly tactless suggestion that jorge had psyched valentino into breaking his own leg

why did he say that? why would you even need to air that theory? well, there's a pretty straightforward reason: on some level, jorge was already concerned with how this championship would be perceived. whether he made that connection in his head consciously or not, by emphasising his wins in the two previous races, by suggesting that valentino's crash had been a direct result of the pressure jorge was exerting, jorge was making the case that this event wasn't just a 'lucky break' for him and instead something that could in some way traced back to jorge's actions. what he says next... well, on the one hand he's providing evidence for the impression that he was concerned with how his title would be viewed, but on the other hand he's kinda undermining his own case:

"Winning a world title is always great, but without Valentino maybe the world championship has lost a little bit of its value," he confessed. "That's natural. Before we had 17 riders and now we have 16, and of course the rider who crashed was Valentino, who has won so many titles. But it doesn't mean it is an easy job for me now. "I think the best approach now is to keep improving my riding style and not to think about results or where the other riders are. "Maybe I could win this championship with Vale on the track. We will never know," he mused. "Before his crash I was leading the world championship. It could have happened. Now I will try to beat everybody who is left." - from here

by the time the season ends, jorge has gotten his story straight and is firmer in the dorna-produced documentary in pointing out he was already leading the championship when valentino broke his leg. here, he is still a little more conflicted - and perhaps a little too earnest for his own good. while he does stress that it's hardly game over for the title fight just because valentino's gone, while he again brings up how he'd been outperforming valentino in recent races, he also says he doesn't know if he would have beaten valentino. "without valentino maybe the world championship has lost a little bit of its value"... this kind of thinking is natural, it has a tendency to crop up in all kinds of sports discourse - but jorge needn't have contributed to it himself, given many were perfectly happy to do so of their own accord. perhaps jorge felt like he had to address that line of thinking, perhaps it truly was something he was struggling with, perhaps a combination of both. is there any better way to capture what beating valentino meant to jorge than him publicly wrestling with the notion that his title might be devalued by not defeating valentino to claim it?

let's change tack, move away from questioning simply what it meant to jorge to beat valentino... let's pose another question: what does beating valentino even mean? what does it involve to beat valentino? what does jorge have to do to achieve that goal? again, there's the obvious answer - jorge beats valentino if he beats him on-track and beats him to premier class titles. valentino is, after all, jorge's goat pick, which makes this a formidable goal in and of itself. but it is not the only manner in which jorge wants to beat valentino. we have already established the long-standing interest in valentino's off-track character and persona and popularity, in his historical significance that consisted of so much more than being successful in racing. and so, then, there was another battle jorge was determined to compete in: not just for the soul of motogp, but for its heart. jorge did not just want to win, he wanted to be loved

^heart eyes from the reporter here, mind you. this is the shit jorge was going up against

in this post, I included a bit of the biography where jorge is frustrated at how many people online seem to hate him, including for being valentino's rival. here is another extract that follows on from that:

Despite initially losing his cool for a few moments, Jorge calms down, remembering that we are referring to the 'democracy' behind the Internet and the noisy minority who throw stones from behind their screens of anonymity. 'What actually happens is that when they see me at the GPs anybody who comes up to me does so to say hello and give me their best wishes. In fact, at the Catalunya GP, Lorenzo shirts outsold Rossi shirts by 55 per cent to 45 per cent. Where were all the critics then? How could I have sold more shirts than Rossi if I'm so bad? You have to keep everything in perspective, but it is so annoying having to put up with criticism from a handful of faceless idiots!'

in the post I linked to, I also described how jorge already went into the valentino rivalry with a little bit of baggage where his popularity was concerned - in large part due to how he was perceived in his 250cc days. jorge demonstrates rather nicely what a major preoccupation his popularity was to him, both in his unfortunate tendency to check what people on the interwebs were saying about him and in his concern with whether him or valentino were... *squints* selling more shirts. bit unfortunate if jorge's camp ended up contributing to valentino's shirt sale numbers at mugello 2010, eh

of course, this preoccupation goes beyond just simple concern with how popular jorge was when compared to valentino, whether valentino fans were nasty about jorge online or who was winning in the most important metric: shirt sale numbers. valentino uses the media to become more popular, but he also leverages that popularity when spreading his version of events via the media. remember all the 2009 faffing about who was copying whose set-up? you'll be delighted to hear there's more to be said on the matter. here, jorge describes his frustration with the narrative he was essentially coasting off valentino's hard work, to the extend he "let fly at the press":

There came a point when I got tired of it. I got tired of hearing people say that I was quick on the bike because Rossi had developed it. At Indianapolis I let fly at the press. I told them there were times when [crew chief] Ramon Forcada should have been paid double. Not just because he is really good, which he is, but because those who were accusing us of copying settings were the ones who were doing it the most. It is a bit like the Hamilton and Alonso thing. I am a huge fan of Alonso - he is a winner, a non-conformist and the best there is. But complaining that Hamilton was only going fast because he was copying his settings is not intelligent in my book, and I don't agree. Hamilton was fast because he has huge talent and he adapted well to the car. A slow driver can't go fast on anybody's settings. The Yamaha is exactly the same. People who are not on my side pick up on the argument just to have a go at me because Valentino said it. I was getting criticised for being fast. If it was that simple then Valentino, who 'created' the Yamaha to fit him and developed it to match his style, should be much faster on it than me, shouldn't he?' - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

at a certain point, valentino doesn't even need to do that much work himself to get his version of events spread. did he really believe any of this? eh. his general approach to some of these rivalries was sometimes akin to just throwing a bunch of stuff at the wall, knowing that the resulting chaos was probably going to annoy his opponents more than it did him (more on this approach in the mind games post). once you get that reputation and a friendly media ecosystem, you don't necessarily even have to do that much work to contribute to these narratives - and instead sit back and hope your enemies end up getting het up about what is, at the end of the day, pretty silly discourse. and jorge himself discusses how valentino deliberately adapts his messaging to the situation:

'One thing I can learn from Valentino is choosing the right moment to make certain statements,' recognises Jorge. 'Normally when things are going well he lets slip the message he wants to put out. The jibes tend to come when he has won, whereas I speak out when I feel hard done by, even though I might have just crashed, and maybe that's not the most intelligent thing to do. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and not say anything. In that sense, when it comes to dealing with the media, Valentino is very good. It is good to watch what he does, how he manages certain situations.' And since we are on the subject, Jorge takes the opportunity to get something else off his chest. 'I am a little upset with the written press, with the headlines they put into my mouth, even though they haven't come from me. In the end I'll have to say that I won't answer questions about Rossi, that I'm not speaking about Pedrosa any more, that I won't talk about anybody else because then they'll call me disrespectful. This year not a single criticism left my mouth, yet a lot of headlines were published that were completely out of context, making me look bad and not accurately reflecting what I had actually said. Luckily I am learning the hard way what to say or not to say. I know what headline they're looking for even before I answer. I'm ready for it and I think before I speak. But there are a few sneaky journalists looking to trip you up with trick questions and when they get you, they screw you!' - from Riveras Tobia's 'Jorge Lorenzo: My Story So Far'

over the course of valentino's career, this idea that vale prefers to attack from a position of strength is broadly correct. obviously, there's a few exceptions - but those tend to be saved for special circumstances, when valentino is making a big play with his back against the wall, rather than day-to-day business. (the obvious counter-example is the continual bickering with casey after 2009, but we all need hobbies.) there's something fascinating about how much both jorge and casey have spoken about learning from valentino how to engage with the media (see here for casey). jorge found out in 2009 and 2010 that maybe he just couldn't win this fight, maybe the only option was to just not answer questions about valentino and dani anymore... except he just couldn't do that, and casey could attest to how refusing to play the media game simply isn't an option either. jorge would arguably eventually become a little more refined in his approach... but a little too much of that earnestness would always remain. I also enjoyed his suggestion right after mugello 2010 that, well, we all retire one day anyway:

"People are used to seeing Vale on track, but you know basketball is just as popular now as when Michael Jordon was playing. Maradona was the football star of the '80s, Pele the star of the '60s and the '70s," he said. "There are always these special superstars. "But all sportsman, unfortunately, we have to retire one day. The sport itself is the only thing that remains." - from here

at the end of the day, the game was already rigged against jorge from the start. this was never a level playing field, valentino already had a massive in-built advantage in winning this particular war against jorge. the unfortunate part for jorge was that it was a war he really did care about - and one he had dedicated so much of his time to. he would never have imagined he would eventually be cast not as a hero, but instead as the sport's villain

collapse

on the 5th of june 2010, valentino broke his leg during practise at mugello. on the 18th of july, he returned to racing with a fourth place at the sachsenring. on the 15th of august, while jorge was establishing a 77 point in the championship standings, valentino's two year deal with ducati was announced

valentino returned to racing considerably ahead of schedule - but his season was not plain sailing from there. it was not the leg that proved the most troublesome, but rather the shoulder he had injured in that motocross accident early in the season and knew he needed to get surgery for. he continued to delay said surgery, determined to finish his season before getting his shoulder fixed in the off-season. it made the rest of the year painful and gruelling for him (see some of his later descriptions here), as he attempted to make adjustments to his riding style to make it bearable. his results suffered too - not that it mattered by this point. jorge was firmly in control of the title fight. this was perhaps the single least competitive season of the alien era, one where the champion was never really in doubt after a mere four rounds. apart from jorge's skill, he was aided by a yamaha that was convincingly the best bike that year. ducati regressed between 2009 and 2010, becoming quasi-unrideable even to casey; honda would make a lot of progress in the years to come, but for now they too were a step behind yamaha. and it was this project that valentino had chosen to leave - not because he was blind to this competitive landscape but because he wanted to complete the italian dream and reinvigorate ducati himself. meanwhile, any remaining suspense in the title fight was removed when a throttle cable malfunction caused dani's honda to crash in practise at motegi, 14/18 rounds into the season, resulting in a broken collarbone and jorge firmly in control of the championship. all he had to do was ride the title home. what could possibly go wrong?

well, as it turns out, nothing was going to deny him that title. but valentino decided to take one for the team and ensure everyone still got a little excitement late in the season. his results after his return had not been poor, exactly, but he was still hampered enough that he finished six consecutive races behind his young teammate. at motegi, dovi secured his first ever premier class pole, while valentino pushed jorge off the front row in the very least seconds of qualifying - his first front row start since his return. it was the first time jorge was off the front row for the first time all year and he was visibly furious (valentino, you'll be shocked to hear, was delighted). still, going by most of the weekend, it seemed like the fight might be between dovi and jorge for the victory. in the end, casey had unexpectedly found something towards the end of saturday that none of the others could match and kept dovi at bay for the entire race. valentino had gotten one of those typically mediocre starts of his and jorge found his way through with a feisty first lap move around the outside of vale. a few laps later, valentino got back past and stayed in front with some sturdy late braking. the race settled down to the default of those years, with the frontrunners riding around in an orderly manner. but valentino never managed to drop jorge and there remained the question mark about whether his shoulder would affect his race endurance - though he had been bullish before the race about the levels of pain that weekend and was dangling his leg to increasingly comical extents in one of those aforementioned riding style adjustments. with eight laps to go, jorge closed back in; seven laps to go and jorge made his next move, diving past before valentino immediately got him back, sweeping in front of jorge to ward off any further attack. the leg was being dangled further and further, perhaps to physically block jorge from getting past. with two laps, jorge had another go and almost ran into valentino's leg. this was the moment they bump into each other in the tunnel, where valentino determinedly moved back past while physically shoving jorge aside

jorge was still close enough to stick it on the inside two corners later in the S-curve section, and when they flick it back around valentino shoved jorge halfway across the track (seriously, this move is a lot). on the very last lap, jorge got past in the S's again, before valentino ran the tightest of all lines and just about got the bike stopped headed into turn 9 to block pass his way past jorge again. unsurprisingly, jorge had to sit the bike up to avoid crashing. valentino manages to hold him off for the rest of the lap. at parc fermé, the mic picked up vale telling his team that it "was fun", which is certainly one way of putting it

Yamaha management were not impressed. Lorenzo was on the verge of securing the title, so they watched the duel in horror. "After the race Yamaha asked me to race with more attention," grinned Valentino later. "So next time I will try to beat him again... with more attention!" - from Oxley's 'Valentino Rossi: All His Races'

so, let's play a little game of compare and contrast with catalunya 2009. set aside the actual viciousness for a moment and what it tells us about their relationship for a minute, and let's just look at what this duel is actually accomplishing. at catalunya, the stakes are glaringly obvious. valentino is on the back foot that season, jorge is looking like an increasingly realistic championship threat - it's early stages of what is looking like a tight title fight and they have arrived at jorge's home circuit both looking for victory after valentino's own home race had ended in disappointing fashion. they are both fighting for supremacy within yamaha and it is still unclear who will come out on top in that contest. at motegi 2010, these two riders are not in a title fight. whatever hand-wringing was going on within yamaha, at this stage it would take some pretty extreme misfortune to deny jorge that title - valentino was making a nuisance of himself, but his antics did not pose any serious threat to jorge's championship. they are not fighting for the win, but are instead having it out for the final spot of the podium. valentino is leaving yamaha. of course, everyone prefers to finish on the podium than fourth, but on paper none of this is really justification for what most would probably put on their list of 'top five most vicious valentino rossi career fights'

on the flip side, you could say valentino has nothing to lose (though I can't imagine falling on that shoulder would have been particularly pleasant). his championship is over and he has been provided with a free and easy way of pissing jorge off. it is a spite ride, pure and simple... though, as ever, it's a two-way street. jorge could have prioritised the championship picture and decided there were only so many goes he was willing to have at a valentino who was clearly willing to crash them both out rather than lose. but of course, jorge himself got angry - and also did not want to let valentino believe he could get away with that kind of riding. there's a lot of gleeful malice in that valentino performance, a determination to remind jorge of just how big a nuisance he could be, even after a string of tricky weekends and amid continual pain. that day, valentino decided to have some fun, consequences be damned

yamaha was not pleased, and neither was his teammate. here's what a visibly pissed off jorge had to say after the race (you can watch the clip here)

"Yes, the show is great for the business of the motorcycle, people enjoy, it's fantastic. But you know when you are a rider and you are riding a MotoGP bike who gets the 300 kilometre per hour in the straight and on the corners 200, 180, and then you are feeling the other rider touch you, it's not a beautiful feeling and emotion, no, because you know you are putting your life at risk at this moment. The three or four moves I made to Valentino, I thought was correct and legal, not legal but correct and fair. Instead, his movements were legal but a little bit on the limit for my point of view. And I - also, I think the way he likes to fight, happens with Gibernau, and then with Stoner and now with me. Maybe in the future, his rivals will get a little bit mad, and we will act like he usually make."

and here is what valentino said in the presser, with a massive grin on his face:

"Yes, was very funny. Unfortunately at the beginning, Jorge want to overtake me on the Turn 3 - and we go wide, together, and also Jorge at the beginning doesn't have the good pace, so I lose three, four tenths behind him for the first four laps. When I was able to overtake him, already Casey and Andrea have 1.6 of advantage that more or less remain the same gap to nine, ten laps to go. From that moment I was start to struggle because I was very tired, I start to finish my power to stop the bike, and I slide also very much from entry to the acceleration and Jorge come back with better pace and from that moment start a good fight, we have some overtaking, but you know in the last laps for take a victory or also for take a place on the podium, you have to never give up. But was very funny, especially because I arrive in front!"

later, he gets a question from the floor about jorge using the newer engine that weekend, and he starts his answer with the following:

"First, I forget I also have to make the congratulations to Jorge because was a great, great battle - also he never give up. "

we also then get a lovely follow-up to this in sepang, where jorge pretends not to understand what the moderator is referring to:

“What happened in Japan? Oh yes, I signed two more years with Yamaha."

it's hard to capture this moment in writing, and I very much recommend you look at these gifs of valentino and casey's reactions to the question. jorge had come in for some criticism after the motegi race, both for his remarks about valentino and his decision-making in engaging in the battle in the first place, while valentino had himself been criticised for his riding (and it was obvious to everyone that yamaha was not thrilled). between motegi and sepang, jorge had decided it was in his best interest to attempt to minimise the controversy - not least because he had a title to concentrate on. dani still wasn't back in action, and jorge just needed to finish ninth or better to seal the title. but nobody wants to seal a title with ninth place. they want to win the race

at sepang, jorge starts from pole this time, with valentino back in sixth. valentino gets a howler of a start and ends up eleventh coming out of the first corners as jorge and dovi escape out front. dovi, who himself of course has a little bit of history with jorge, stalks jorge around before eventually making it past, forcing jorge wide and right into valentino's clutches. the commentators cheerily discuss how lin jarvis is not making any eye contact with anyone in the garage and is instead determinedly studying the timing screens. (another fave: "rossi just looks so determined today. it's amazing what dangling the carrot of lorenzo winning the title will do for a shoulder injury, isn't it?") with eleven laps to go, valentino has closed right up and sends it up the inside of jorge from a few miles back - an ambitious move, but without contact. a little bit later, valentino once again sends it from very far back while getting past dovi, who ran it wide while attempting to defend against valentino. the race isn't completely over after that, and valentino and dovi swap positions twice with five laps to go as jorge closes right up, but eventually they make it to the chequered flag in the same order. and so, both yamaha riders have ample reason to be delighted that day. valentino, always a fan of his meaningful numbers, had sealed his 46th win with yamaha - his first victory since qatar that year and impressive with an impaired shoulder in the sweltering heat. jorge has sealed his first premier class championship in exceedingly dominant fashion. both celebrate with pointed exuberance at a short distance from each other, but they both manage to warmly congratulate the other

it is, of course, a particularly satisfying victory for valentino, managing to ever so slightly spoil jorge's triumph by snatching an unlikely win. it is also very valentino for that to be the first post-leg break race win. but there is only so much you can do to spoil a first premier class championship. that was the last battle they had in 2010. at the valencia test, valentino had an early worrying encounter with the desmosedici, before flying home to finally get surgery on his shoulder. the delay cost him and his shoulder would continue to affect him into the next season

most important of all was jorge's first premier class title. he had successfully managed to fulfil his bildungsroman arc - even though not the way he would have liked, given he was denied the chance to directly beat valentino. the defeats at motegi and sepang in wheel-to-wheel combat will also have stung, just a little. still, jorge had yamaha for himself. all valentino could do was offer a parting jibe on his way out

"Jorge is great, because he has managed to unite everyone in their dislike of Lorenzo. I won't say he's intelligent because that's a big word; let's say he's cunning." - from Oxley's 'Valentino Rossi: All His Races'

nasty, but not completely inaccurate (the first bit, not the second). popularity is one of those things that is always tricky to judge, but jorge was not alone in his impression that the 2009 title fight had dented any affections the public held for him. the 2010 season only seemed to make matters worse. valentino was certainly in part to blame for this, but he did not singlehandedly turn the public against his soon-to-be-former teammate - after all, jorge already had plenty of detractors in the lower classes, plenty of people who would never have grown fond of the cocky young man, so prone to being misunderstood. it is something he openly wrestles with, including in his biography, including in the 2010 documentary. in the end... perhaps it is going too far to say he gave up, but he certainly stepped back from this particular battle. if given the choice between winning and being loved, he was always going to choose the former

^always important to track whenever a feud crossed the line to being so bad neither side would acknowledge each other. jorge and valentino would reach this exciting new stage a few years down the line, but they do not at any point in their first stint as teammates

in the years to come, jorge would recede into himself just a little more, focusing on winning far more than any repeat of the elaborate celebrations of his 250cc days. after a few memorable early 2010 gags, the well dried out. he never abandoned the lorenzo's land celebrations, but at times with a somewhat more defiant tone, as if staking his claim on land others would wish to deny him. to a lot of the fanbase, he was the villain - but spite is as good a source of motivation as any

Jorge Lorenzo had tired of trying to out-Rossi Rossi and was a more calculating figure than the showman persona he’d carried through 250cc and into his first MotoGP season. - from here

there is an underlying cruelty here in just how aware jorge was of the fact that success in itself was not enough. after all, talking about valentino is "not like talking about doohan or rainey"... jorge knew all the winning in the world couldn't turn him into valentino. he had been willing to go the extra mile to establish himself as a 'character', one that could match even valentino. all this introspection and all this extracurricular training he had been willing to put himself through, done in the name of figuring out how to accurately communicate who he truly was to the public... and it was all for naught

this rivalry was conducted in the mind as much as it was on the track. jorge's long-standing fascination with valentino, the games they both played in their attempts to win yamaha to their side, the tactical dimension of their on-track battles, the shape of their title fight and how valentino leveraged momentum, the ways each used the press... valentino might have been adept at mind games, but jorge had always been a very willing student. he had modelled himself after valentino as much as he had defined himself against him. that is where the lopsided nature of the rivalry had come from - in just how much longer jorge had concerned himself with valentino than vice versa... in just how closely jorge had analysed valentino. how much this intra-team battle meant to him. this wasn't just about winning titles, this was about legacy

but at the end of the day, this is still a sport. for all the time jorge had spent figuring out to tell his story, he eventually learned there was only so much he could do to change people's minds when they had already been made. no matter - he had a title and he had yamaha. this wasn't the coming-of-age story he would have chosen, but it still ended up being one regardless. it all eventually worked out... not least for yamaha, who had withstood the pressures of this volatile dynamic and walked away with three consecutive rider's titles for the first (and last) time since the early nineties. their bet on jorge had paid off. jorge had fulfilled his early promise. he had become champion - and he had grown up

[leasstories]

I Need You Here With Me

Eddie x gn !reader (Eddie is 21 and reader 23)

TW: Reader is insecure; mention of emotional abuse and neglect; past abuse/toxic relationships

WC: ≈2.2K

January 28th, 1988

You grew up in a really messed up household. Your dad was an alcoholic who always told you to act tough and your mom spent your life, until you decided to break off all ties with them. You were never good enough for her, and when your feelings got the best of you, your dad would blame you and call you a crybaby.

This childhood didn’t allow you to develop a self-esteem. You never feel confident and since you’ve been dating Eddie, you’ve never felt good enough for him. Another consequence of your troubled childhood is that you’ve been looking for love from anyone who could give it to you, and that’s how, before meeting Eddie, you’ve been in several toxic relationships. Relationships that broke you even more. When you’re dating someone, when you love someone, you’d do anything for them. That’s something that toxic people seemed to notice. And that’s how, before Eddie, you’ve had your fair share of abusive boyfriends and friends who took advantage of you.

Eddie and you met in January 1987, your boyfriend of the time was invited to the same New Year Party as Eddie and brought you along with him. You were his little “trophy” in public. In private though, you were his punching ball. Eddie found you on the owner’s house bathroom sobbing. He carefully approached you and asked you what happened. It was the first time ever that someone noticed that your life wasn’t perfect and so you literally did trauma dumping on him. Later, Eddie helped you break up with your boyfriend, protected you from him and offered you a place to stay.

A few months later, when you started healing from your past relationship, in March, Eddie and you started dating and officially became partner in April. But with your baggage, you don’t know how to navigate a healthy relationship, and you’re clingy. You’re conscious that you might be too clingy for Eddie. It isn’t healthy. But you don’t know how to love, you’ve never been loved before and no one taught you how to love properly. And you know you and your baggage might be a bit too much, especially since he is younger than you.

Don’t get us wrong here, Eddie has his own baggage. He has had a very difficult childhood and he experienced something in 1986 that gave him the physical and mental scars he has, but he never told you what happened. All you know is that he often wakes up screaming. But his baggage is easy to handle for you. All you want is to give him the world, protect him and be there for him 24/7.

Eddie is currently grocery shopping. Today, he went alone because he heard from a friend of his that your ex is back in town for the weekend which means he won’t let you go out of the weekend.

As soon as Eddie left, you tried reading your book, but you miss him too much, you can’t focus. You know that your boyfriend should be able to go grocery without you missing him. You know that. You also feel that you being clingy annoys Eddie, you’re afraid it’ll scare him away. You start overthinking and feeling insecure, thinking the real reason Eddie went grocery shopping alone was because he was fed up with you. You start imagining the worse scenarios, telling yourself that it is too good to be true. You can’t be with a man like Eddie Munson. You don’t deserve him. And how can he love you? How can you be loved? You wonder. You even go as far as to imagine that he might never come back from grocery shopping. You get stuck in your own head to the point that you don’t hear Eddie come back in the house.

“Baby?” Eddie asks.

You do not answer, you don’t even hear him.

“Baby?” Eddie says while entering the living room.

Eddie sees you, dissociated and sat on the couch, tears prickling at your eyeline.

He crouches down in front of you and take your hand in his, that’s when you notice his presence, you can’t help yourself and hug Eddie, what Eddie finds unusual, is that as soon as you realize what you did you leave Eddie’s arms and avoid his stare. Eddie caresses your knees, knowing that it is one of the things that reassures you the most. You still avoid his gaze and get up, not caring his hand is on your knee.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Eddie asks.

You turn to him, eyes shining with tears. “Am I too much?” you ask, voice trembling.

“Hey, hey, hey, look at me” Eddie tells you reassuringly.

You shake your head no, eyes glued to your feet.

“Hey baby, you are not too much…” Eddie softly tells you.

“Am I not enough?” You shyly ask.

“No!” Eddie says raising his voice, which makes you flinch.

When you flinch, Eddie takes a step back and looks at you apologetically, but you don’t see it, your eyes still fixed on your feet, tears running down your cheeks.

“I’m sorry baby, I shouldn’t have raised my voice… I’m so sorry.” Eddie is distraught by your sudden self-doubt. Eddie knows about your childhood and your past relationships, but you’ve never felt insecure with him, or at least you never voiced it. He doesn’t know how to handle the situation. He isn’t mad at you, he is mad at your parents, at your previous partners and friends who used you, mistreated you and made you feel unloved.

“’S fine” you say while sniffling. “’m sorry I upset you…” Now you feel even more like a burden, you’ve managed to upset the only person who showed you nothing but love.

“Hey, hey, stop that. You didn’t upset me love. It’s not you who upset me. It’s just the idea that your parents and past relationships broke you so much that you need to ask me such questions as if you are too much or not enough.” Eddie says, in a calmer tone.

“’m sorry” you say again, still sniffling.

“What are you sorry for honey?” Eddie asks, trying to be as comprehensive and patient as possible.

“’m too clingy and it might make you run away… I don’t know how to love Eddie… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry” you keep repeating.

Eddie takes a step toward you and when he sees you don’t flinch or move away, he put his hand on your cheek.

“Stop apologizing baby. Listen to what I have to say and don’t cut me off, can you do that for me.” Eddie kindly asks.

You nod, still sniffling, tears still running down your cheeks.

“Good, that’s good.” Eddie says. “You remember when we weren’t a couple. Every time you didn’t sleepover in my room, I found it hard to sleep and every time we are apart, there is a pain in my heart that won’t go away. You’re clingy? Maybe, but I love it and even if I could, I would change nothing about it. Trust le when I say that I love you the way you are. And I know you have trust issues, I know you have had a difficult past, but I want to help you see that you are loveable. I want you to see that I love you and that I’d never hurt, neglect, nor abandon you.” Eddie continues.

“I’m sorry for being such a crybaby…” you say while wiping your tears.

“You’re not a crybaby love, you are traumatized. You have to acknowledge that, and I’ll help you acknowledge it, I’ll help you heal from that, I promise to be here every step of the way.” Eddie tells you.

“I’m sorry for not knowing how to love properly…” you tell Eddie.

“None of that baby, you love me properly, of course you still have things to learn, but I feel loved by you. And you know my past with my family, you know about my High School years, not a lot of people loved me, but I’ve always felt it. And I feel it coming from you.” Eddie explains.

“Does that mean the fact that I’m telling you that I love you so many times a day is annoying? Suffocating?” you shyly ask.

“Baby, you’re always saying the words I want to say. It is not suffocating. You could tell me you love me every single second that I wouldn’t feel it suffocating.” Eddie reassures you.

“What about the excess of physical touch?” You ask, still insecure.

“Baby… I need you here with me, at all times. The closer the better.” Eddie tells you.

“But I’m clingy…” you repeat once again.

“And deep down, I’m as clingy as you, I just try to hide it.” Eddie tells you with nothing but love in his eyes.

“’m sorry for getting all worked up… I just missed you so much while you went grocery shopping that I imagined the worse scenarios possible. I got stuck in my own head.” You tell Eddie, ashamed.

“Don’t apologize baby. I know your past and I should have known what as wrong as soon as I arrived home and I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I know it’ll take time for you to realize that it is true, that we are made to last. If I need to repeat it every single day for the rest of my life I will.” Eddie tells you while caressing your cheek.

“Can I ask why?” you ask.

“Why what?” Eddie asks.

“Why did you talk to me at that New Years Party?” you ask, unsure.

“For three reasons: first one I found you so gorgeous. Second reason, I saw you were sad, I was actually looking for you and when I found you in the bathroom it wasn’t just a coincidence. Third reason: your boyfriend didn’t even acknowledge your sadness and he didn’t even look for you when you left so I thought someone had to.” Eddie earnestly answers.

“Thank you… thank you so much for everything you did for me Eds. I’m sorry I’m not a better partner…” You apologetically tell him. You need him to know how grateful you are to have him in your life.

“Thank you for allowing me to be your boyfriend, for allowing me to love you, for letting me help you. You’ve come so far since the first time we met. Yes, you are my insecure little baby, but you became stronger, you became happier. I want to make up for all the assholes who treated you badly in the past. I want to help you heal; I want to help you blossom.” Eddie says before softly kissing your lips. You kiss him back, putting your hand in his hair. You both make out until you can’t breathe and then reluctantly part. Eddie put a strand of hair behind your hear and smiles softly at you.

“So, do you still believe I’m gonna leave my little baby heal all alone?” Eddie asks.

“It might take time for me to fully believe it. But you reassured me a lot so thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me…” You tell Eddie.

“Baby, I’ll always be patient with you. I love you so so much. And now it’s my time to thank you. Thank you for trying your best every day. Thank you for accepting me how I am, with my qualities and my flaws. Thank you for being patient with me when I have a nightmare and for never asking about what happened to me in March of ’86. You’re the most respectful, loving and caring person I’ve ever known, and I fall with you even more every single day.” Eddie declares.

You start quietly sobbing in your hand, this time you’re not crying because of anxiety or pain, no, you’re crying because of Eddie’s speech, because of how much he loves you and how much you love him.

“’m sorry for being a crybaby…” you say once again.

Eddie hugs you and gently whisper in your ear. “You’re not a crybaby, you’re sensitive, there’s a difference. You’re allowed to cry and to let your emotions out. It’s healthy and normal baby.” Eddie says while caressing your back, still hugging you.

Once you part Eddie asks. “Will cuddling in bed make you feel even better?”.

As soon as you nod, Eddie throws you over his shoulder and walk to your shared bed. He lays you on the bed and joins you on the bed, opening his arms. You crawl towards him and put your head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. Eddie loves having you in his arms, as he already told you and will remind you for as long as you’re insecure, his love language is physical touch. If he could, Eddie would never part from you, he would stay in this bed, cuddling with you forever.

Eddie is the first ever person to make you feel loved, he is the first ever person to treat you with respect. He is the first partner to ever love you and treat you as his equal. You know it’s going to take time to fully believe it, but for the first time ever, you allow yourself to dream of an entire life with Eddie.

[foolondahill17]

Annual Favorite Supernatural Fic Rec List of 2023:

I bookmarked 66 fics in 2023 (and read…a lot more than that), but only 9 were written/updated in this year of our lord. SMH we gotta pump out more content, friends. Seriously though, I’ve got several more 2023 fic reads in my Marked for Later, but some are still WIPs or I just haven’t gotten around to picking them up yet. I’m sure some (like the much-hyped Lighthouse Keeper AU where there is darkness by the talented quiettewandering [@wanderingcas on tumblr]) will end up on my Bookmarked favs…but, alas, they’ll just have to wait for the 2024 recap.

The list below is in no particular order, barring the first, which has joined the ranks of one-of-my-favorite-fics-ever:

A Cliff That Knew Too Many Tides by luulapants (@luulapants)

E, early series Dean/others, 94,508 words

Partial Summary:

A canon rewrite AU diverging from the events of Some Cruel Tide, in which a shifter disguised as his father used Dean's blind obedience to molest him. By the start of S1, Dean's relationship with his father is more strained, his devotion more intense, and his life consumed by the need to hide the parts of himself he is most ashamed of.

My words:

If you’ve been looking for a gay!Dean manifesto, you’ve found it. Obviously, the subject matter is dark: warnings for past childhood sexual abuse, internal and external homophobia, past suicide attempt, and traumatic outing. It is also beautiful and heart-wrenching and scratches the swollen, itchy, weeping rash on my heart in a way that only the balm of good Dean angst can.  

Favorite part:

“I wasn’t acting out,” he blurted.

“What?”

“When I – I wasn’t trying to act out or anything.” Deacon’s presence hovered behind him like an aura, and Dean reminded himself, Don’t rock the boat. Don’t rock the boat.

Dad sighed. The line crackled, and Dean pictured him standing in a phone booth somewhere, probably huddled up against the cold. “Then what the hell would you call it?”

Dean tried out a few words in his head, imagining how they’d sound to Deacon. He ended up with, “I misunderstood. I thought I was supposed to.”

Asterism of an F-Series Ford Pick Up by disabled_dean (@disabled-dean)

M, Destiel, 17,408 words

Partial Summary:

When you've been to hell, desire is isolating and ugly.

Or: Cas drives his truck for a case and Dean is exceptionally horny about it

My words:

The way Dean’s PTSD is described in this fic, like a slow, oozing poison that awakens the longer he and Cas travel together, is tantalizing and masterful. Ostensibly, this fic is about Dean and Cas road-tripping to a case. It’s actually about how you, a monster-hunter, can come to terms (or not) with your body and soul when you think you’ve become the very thing you’re spent your whole life hunting.

 Favorite part:

"Like everything will be going fine and then all of a sudden I just. Can’t. I can't stand it. And the more fine everything is, the worse it gets and I feel-" he breaks off, eyes on his hands like they aren't his hands, thumb rubbing over and over the ring on his index finger, "It's like everyone else is living this normal fucking life and I'm still back in the pit."

Personal Space: The Final Frontier by botley

M, Destiel, Star Trek AU, WIP, 63,570 words

Partial summary

"Captain's Log, Stardate 10918.8. Captain Ellen Harvelle reporting, First Officer… Castiel… attending. After a month of bargaining with the Gehennian government, efforts to permit a search party within the Rack facilities still proved unsuccessful. Although Starfleet’s orders dictated we tuck tail and leave, I elected to disregard this decision and beam a rescue operations team down for the recovery of Lieutenant Commander Dean Winchester.”

My words:

This fic has been on my rec lists before. It’s still a WIP, but it very unexpectedly posted an update after a 3(?) year hiatus, so I’ll cling to hope until my fingernails leave a bloody, mauled mess.  This is basically a Star Trek AU where our favorite Supernatural gang are fucking around in Starfleet instead of the Midwest. Fantastic stuff – worth the read even if it does remain unfinished.

Favorite line:

"Dean made a face. Castiel decided the man was hideous."

Receding by minkmix

T, early season gen, 38,729 words

Summary:

After a visit to an old, abandoned theme park in the desert, Sam begins to notice strange lapses in Dean's memory. As his brother starts to disappear before his eyes, Sam must rush to find an answer before there isn't anything left to save... My words: A Lucky Charms fic if I’ve ever read one. Delicious, crunchy marshmallow goodness of some fantastic Dean!whump and panicked caretaker!Sam with the solid undercurrent of slightly sweetened amalgamized oat and corn cereal of a solid case fic. Yum.

 Favorite part:

“Sammy?” Dean cut him off.

“W-What is it?”

“What’s Dad’s name?”

Sam’s chest heaved as he fought himself from sounding as stunned as he felt.

“John.”

Swan Upon Leda by kelsstiel (@kelstiel)

E, Destiel real-world AU, 174,096 words

Summary:

Pediatric Surgery Fellow Dean Winchester meets baby Jack Kline and neuropsychologist Castiel Novak his first week on the job. Dean’s been accused a time or two of caring a little too much in the past and it’s hard not to care about the neurotic adoptive father and his medically needy preemie. After a series of run-ins between the pair, Dean and Cas develop a friendship that everyone else around them suspect more from immediately, though it takes them a little longer to get the memo. When Dean struggles with a particularly devastating patient loss, their mutual understanding of loss and love bring them closer in a way that neither of them could have expected.

My words: A solid, old-fashioned romantic AU. It’s unpretentious, fluffy, heart-warming, authentic and the kind of could-have-been-a-novel goodness that makes up the heart and breadth of fanfiction. Warning for infant illness and death (not Jack).

Favorite part:

"I know they say there’s a chance, but I’ve just got this feeling .” She shook her head and looked down for a moment. She looked up again and took a deep breath as if steadying herself. “I wish I could see you grow up.”

five minutes to six by saintedcastiel  (@saintedcastiel)

M, Destiel real-world AU, 23,383 words

Summary:

Castiel Novak has been the co-host of Good Morning, Lawrence! for a little over ten years when he stumbles across the story of a lifetime. But after a producer pulls the segment and tells him to forget it, Castiel begins to wonder who's really pulling the strings. Can he bring the truth to light while somehow managing to keep his co-host, and the man he loves, in the dark?

 My words: Another Goddamn quality AU. This one is a little quippier and fast paced than the Hospital AU above, but it’s full of fantastic characterization and even a last-minute breaking and entering romp. Fun that’s perfect for the whole family!

Favorite part:

“Been asking you out all week.” Dean tells him, and Castiel realizes all at once he’s right.

“Oh my god.” Castiel laughs. “You have.”

This Is Not My Beautiful Wife by luckshiptoshore (@luckshiptoshore)

T, Destiel, one-shot, 4,755 words

Summary:

“Dean,” says the man again. “This isn’t real. You need to come with me, now.”

Dean’s been zoning out again. But he can’t escape the feeling that something’s very, very wrong … and wherever he goes, a strange man in a trench coat follows.

My words: You gotta love the Djinn dream trope. This one has everything you want in a caught-in-a-fake-reality-while-your-lover-pleads-for-you-to-return-to-the-waking-world story, plus an extra dash of on-point characterization and some truly imaginative scenarios for Dean’s alternate realities.  

 Favorite part:

“We could look into adoption,” says Cas. “If you’d like. Of course we could also simply take a child, but I think that’s frowned on."

we really shouldn't be doing this by LoversAntiquities (@tragidean)

E, Destiel, 17,138 words

Summary:

After Castiel goes missing for a week, Dean finds him in an abandoned cemetery in the middle of nowhere Kansas, suffering from a mysterious welt. Only, as the hours go on, the deeper the curse grows—and Dean finds more than he bargained for, namely on every surface he and Castiel can find.

My words: This is more straight-up (not straight) porn than I usual rec, but this is a fantastic take on the from-sex-to-love fic where everyone was already in love to begin with. There’s a hefty sprinkle of idiots-to-lovers and sex-curse. Also angst, which is my bread and butter.

Favorite line:

Castiel stares up at him, his eyes gone soft, hooded. Dean thumbs over his eyelid, just to watch it flutter shut. “I’m not solely interested in you for your hands, or your mouth. They are wonderful attributes, but I don’t long for them so much as I long for you.” He leans into Dean’s palm and kisses the center. “I don’t know when I fell in love with you, but it would take the death of the universe to get me to stop.”

Postpartum Prometheus by babbyspanch, saltslimes (@dragqueenpentheus @nifedick)

E, Destiel, technically mpreg, WIP, 18,959 words

Summary

Welcome to the Supernatural renaissance. Welcome to Castiel and the terrible naissance.

My words: warning for the fact that this is technically an mpreg fic even though Castiel is an angel and not really a man. Warning, also, because this is another WIP that hasn’t been updated since the beginning of the year, so I don’t know if it’ll be finished. Basically, Dean and Cas bump uglies to unexpected results. Cas kinda freaks without telling Dean he’s his baby daddy. He also yanks out his intestines so said baby can be nice and comfortable in there. Funny and angsty.

Favorite part:

“Are those—?”

“Yeah.” He waves his hand at the door again, starting to feel like one of those used car lot inflatable men, limbs akimbo. “A total murderer looking guy just bolted that way. And not like— the regular murderer-looking people who come in.”

“And he left his organs.” Dennis thinks a moment, and then shrugs, as if this isn’t the weirdest thing he’s ever seen. He’s been working here longer than anyone Henry knows, maybe it isn’t. He opens his mouth and Henry can’t help hoping some miracle plan of action is going to fall out of it. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Um. What?”

“I don’t want to offend you.” He pauses, brows furrowed. He rolls Henry’s cup over in his hand. “What is a ‘FABINISTA’?”

Add your favorite written-in-2023 fics in the tags or a reblog!

[tennessoui]

Smart ass fake fic title request: water and or ocean adjacent

Please answer this seriously tho, bc I m deadly curious what a serious sound fic title like that would actually become in your brain

omg it's giving snarky benji it's giving everyone says fuck the water titles it's giving no one appreciates my fine art and craftsmanship here (/jk)

but a fic title like 'water and or ocean adjacent' is definitely giving like. astronauts/scientists obi-wan and anakin are tasked with finding evidence of water and or oceans being present or having once been present on some distant now uninhabitable planet. they have a healthy respect for each other in the scientific research world but they also cannot stand the other's personality which makes working together a hellscape on several different levels. they also fucked each other during the christmas party four years ago (literally during the christmas party, in a coat closet) and you'd think maybe that wouldn't affect their relationship anymore because it's been four years, but you'd think wrong.

and you'd think that having a colorful history in a coat closet would make them able to work together in other tight enclosed spaces, but you'd also be wrong!! they're tapped to join a "The Martian" like mission to find that proof of water on the planet and it also goes wrong like in the Martian but both of them are stranded on the planet and they have to live together and survive together and keep detailed accounts/video diaries of their time together (obi-wan says this is for future generations/expeditions who will find their remains, anakin says this is so if obi-wan kills him there'll be enough evidence to either try him in space court or at least fuck over his legacy and memorialize him as a dirty murderer)

(obi-wan says that after watching all the space diary videos, no one would actually convict him of murder because they'd understand where he was coming from. video cuts out and next video begins with both of them looking very freshly fucked)

(and then like in the martian they do get rescued and then readjust to life on earth but it's so weird to be with their families again when they feel so hugely changed by their experiences and it's impossible to sleep without hearing the other's breath in the same room and sure maybe they're codependent but they're also the only people on earth who spent 3 years by themselves on a different planet and survived. they get to be a little codependent)

(they also find evidence of water in the second year, so now all textbooks that are written and include the discovery also have to include the Drama of It All)

send me a made up fic title and i'll tell you what i'd write to go with it!

[beezusvreeland]

dear reader - chapter 1

summary: Miguel took the reader’s love and friendship for granted. Something he learns reading her column, when it’s too late…Or is it?

ship: miguel o'hara x f!reader // matt murdock x reader

______________________________________________________________

Chapter 1

The tears falling from your eyes should be happy ones. It was a huge accomplishment, a dream you never thought would come true. You got a scholarship to attend the University of Edinburgh summer writing course. Almost two months of writing and learning for free in a city you’ve wanted to visit long before Outlander was even a thing.

You would have the opportunity to focus on your writing while exploring the town that inspired so many writers before you. It was all you ever wanted.

Yet you were laying down on your bedroom floor, all the lights off in your apartment, the outfit you spent so much time trying to find (and so much money to buy) still on your body. You felt paralyzed. No heartbreak has ever felt like that before, not even the ones also caused by Miguel.

When people asked you what type of relationship the two of you had, you just answered friends. It was easier, usually killing any follow up questions. You know that was his answer too, you’ve heard it before. His tone, however, was much different than yours. Miguel would play it down, as if it was a ridiculous question, more ridiculous than the idea that the two of you could be more to each other.

But friends don’t go home together after the bar closes late at night, laughing and whispering, drunk on more than the drinks you had. Friends don’t flirt with each other crossing all the lines, just to leave you hanging, wondering to yourself if you imagined the whole thing, if you saw more than it actually was.

But also, regardless of any time of messiness, friends don’t bail on each other at the last minute, making up some excuse which you can quickly find out is a lie.

“Is mr. O’Hara joining us anytime soon?”, the waiter asked you politely. It was obvious you had never gone to such a nice restaurant, but it was a celebration. You wanted to dress up and share your news with the person you cared about the most. Earlier you had been so excited you barely slept, hoping that things went smoothly, that maybe a change of scenery reminded him of what the two of you could be.

You had been waiting for an hour, sipping from the least expensive soft drink on the menu, when Miguel sent you a monosyllabic text saying something happened at Alchemax. Your body was familiar with that disappointment. Miguel was a prolific scientist, head of the biotechnology and genetics department, always doing important work. Things that could actually save people’s lives. You were so proud of him, but couldn’t help feeling sad. You scheduled the dinner almost a week prior, checking in with him several times during the week to make sure he could go.

On the Uber home, you tried not to think about the pang in your chest so much. You opened Instagram and scrolled for a bit, then started watching some stories, without paying much attention. Until you saw him. It was his assistant’s, Lyla, profile. The video showed people singing happy birthday to someone called Scott. There was Miguel. You recognized a few faces from Alchemax, but couldn’t for the life of you remember any Scott — and Miguel loved telling you all the company gossip. Next story, still from Lyla: people dancing to “Party in the USA”, by Miley Cyrus. Far back, Miguel said something in a woman’s ear. It was Dana, a pretty brunette with short hair, brilliant like Miguel and also crazy for him, which you couldn’t blame her for. In the video, she hands Miguel a bottle of beer. He then kisses her.

You loved Miguel O’Hara, was there for him every single time he called and waited years for him to realize you were the one for him. The soul crushing truth was that he never would. The only time you asked for him, where all he had to do was show up, he didn’t. He went to some random guy’s birthday instead of being there for you. There was your answer.

*** “C’mon now”, Miguel flexed his back, a red drink in his hand. “You know I don’t kiss and tell, buddy.”

“I think you and pretty Dana have been doing more than just kissing and that’s what you ain’t telling”, Hobie had a smirk on his face.

Pavirt approached the group holding two beers.

“Two beers? Are you in a rush, mate?”

Pav took a breath, trying to open one bottle without letting the other slip from his hands.

“You know, I should have, it’s packed today and it’s not even game day”, Pav looked around The Bar, the place Miguel and his friends would go to after work almost every day.

Miguel preferred the nice bars downtown, but after going to The Bar a few times to meet Hobie, the place started to grow on him. It had been years and The Bar just got bigger and better. Apparently he wasn’t the only one who noticed, the place was becoming such a staple that now there were lines to come in. Thankfully, Foggy, the owner, always made sure to find a spot for his “day ones”.

“Passing through, passing through!”, Gwen made her way to the group, followed by a tall guy with glasses who looked slightly disoriented.

“Am I seeing right?”, Miguel pointed at the man, who smiled back at him. “If it isn’t Peter B motherfucking Parker!”

“How many of these have you drunk?”, Peter approached his friend, giving him a hug. “Oh shit, he is hugging me back, this is really serious!”

Miguel laughed, patting Peter’s back. He had no idea how many drinks he had at that point. They were all just so red and sweet.

“Friends, this is Pete, a friend of mine and Gwen’s from college.”

Hobie and Pav nodded at Peter, who smiled at them.

“What are you doing here, buddy? Haven’t seen you since your Daily Bugle days.”

Gwen had taken the second beer from Pav’s hand and opened it. “I found him wandering around like a lost puppy”, she pointed at Peter.

“I spent some time abroad, now I’m back in the city, taking photos here and there”, Peter shrugged, looking uncomfortably at Hobie, who was squeezing his eyes and seemed to be whispering something to himself.

“Hobie, are you ok there, pal?”, Gwen asked, arching one of her eyebrows.

“The math isn’t mathing”, he answered.

“How much have you drunk?”, Pav asked his friend.

“Just a bit, smoked a lot though”, Hobie was still analyzing. “There is someone missing…where is y/n?”

Miguel’s eyes widened. “Shit, I was supposed to reschedule this thing with her”, he grabbed his phone from his pocket, struggling to type his password correctly.

“Don’t bother”, Gwen told him. Her arms were crossed and she glared at him while taking a sip of beer.

Miguel realized he was indeed very drunk and confused. He noticed Gwen hadn't looked at him since she arrived, but he hadn’t thought anything of it at first. He felt weird, like he was being reprimanded for something.

“What do you mean?”, Miguel’s brows furrowed.

“As we speak, she is flying across the pond.”

“Oh, shit, already?”, Hobie sobered up for a moment.

“What is the time difference again?”, Pav asked.

“What are they talking about?”, Miguel froze. They were speaking as if she was far away. They were speaking as if they already knew she was going far away.

“She got the Edinburgh summer writing program scholarship. She left tonight”, Gwen answered.

“I don’t remember her saying anything about it.” Miguel wondered if you were mad at him because of the dinner and didn’t tell him because of that. You would do that sometimes, ice him out. That annoyed him, but you were more affected by it than him. He was always able to charm his way out of it.

“Of course you heard, mate, c’mon, she took you to dinner to celebrate”, Hobie sounded frustrated.

“Which didn’t even make sense, if anything, you should have taken her out to celebrate”, Pav added, giving Miguel an exasperated look.

“I canceled the dinner, something came up at work.” Miguel looked at his feet, still confused, but feeling the weight of the guilt.

He looked up, only to find Gwen’s eyes, full of anger and disappointment. She knew he was full of shit. Miguel wondered how she would even know…unless you knew it too.

“¡Mierda!”

“I take it your friend is a writer, then. That’s really cool”, Peter said to Gwen, Pav and Hobie. “She writes fiction?”

“Non fiction, mostly”, Gwen answered, her expression softening. She was so proud of you. Your writing barely paid your bills and less people were reading nowadays, but you took your art seriously, refusing to give up such an important part of yourself. “She is a freelance writer these days. She just published a profile of Mary Jane Watson, the actress who’s all the buzz on Broadway, in Bliss magazine.”

“Wait, that is the y/n you are friends with?”, Peter got excited. “God, I love her interviews. Honest to God, I cried when she told Mary Jane that it’s ok to express your opinions, that they can be fleeting and not set in stone.”

“Ugh, I love that part!”, Pav agrees, putting his hand on his chest.

“Did you read it, Miguel?”, Peter asked gently. He was clearly trying to light up the mood, Miguel kind of hated him for that. Peter didn’t even know you and seemed to know so much about you already.

“No”, Miguel answered coldly.

“Miguel refuses to spend US$ 5 on the paywall”, Gwen snorted.

“Buddy…aren’t you, like, rich?”, Peter looked at him.

“That’s how he stays rich, alright!”, Hobie clapped, drawing the attention of the people around them.

“What the fuck…?”, Miguel’s head started to throb. It might’ve been the drinking, but he had the impression his friends were ganging up on him. It was annoying. Especially because they were (mostly) right. “I’m not paying that for an article”, he grunted.

“It’s a subscription!”, Gwen rolled her eyes, growling. “It’s a way to support the writer's and editor’s work, so y/n can keep writing profiles, think pieces and her great col…her great work”, Gwen corrected.

While the group kept discussing what they had been reading lately, Miguel tried his password on his phone a few more times, eventually getting it right. He was pretty sure Gwen was about to say you had a column, so he typed bliss magazine + column. The first result was “dear reader: the advice you didn’t know you needed”. He clicked on the link: the pop up alerting that the content was behind paywall appeared.

***

Dear reader,

I’m a firm believer in the power of words. It’s what moves me and what both excites and terrifies me about writing this column. The same word can be heartfelt or cutting, it all depends on the delivery. Speaking out loud can be just as important of a tool as listening attentively to what people have to say.

I guess I have spent so much time looking for words, either from myself or others, that I haven’t always paid attention to actions. They matter too. There is a lot of meaning in what is left unsaid. If the actions don’t match a person’s words, it’s time to take a step back and think deeply about it.

That’s a lesson I learned too late. I wanted someone so badly I was willing to accommodate it all, the excuses, the absences and the stolen glances that never led nowhere. It took me years and many mornings waking up by myself to realize that if he wanted to, he would. It seems obvious, but things are so much more complicated with matters of the heart.

And our hearts are precious, no matter what others say. So, in truth to my words, I decided to share a big accomplishment in my life with people who I knew would celebrate me and recognize what this goal means to me. And in truth to my actions, I’m on my way to a big adventure.

When your heart breaks, there is only so much you can do. I’m doing it.

Protect yours and remember, never take advice from someone who’s falling apart.

Love, The writer

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>> chapter 2

all chapters

______________________________________________________________

dear diary playlist

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting to fix my relationship with an ex-friend in a toxic relationship?

CW domestic violence

I have a group of friends I met in college, but we remained friends after graduation. Let's call them Dora (26F), Megan (25F), Gabriel (25M), George (29M), Lauren (27F) and me (26F). Just for context, Megan and Gabriel are married, Dora is married with Phillip (30M) and Lauren just divorced from Jake (25M). I know, a lot of names, but all of this is important.

In the beginning of 2023, Lauren's husband Jake hit her and she went to the police. He was arrested for a short time and after that Lauren put a restraining order against him and filed for divorce. We were by her side during the whole thing and it was a very emotional time for all of us, especially for Megan, who suffered domestic violence from the boyfriend she had before Gabriel. It's important to note Megan is my best friend in the group.

Everything turned out okay for Lauren, but shortly after that Dora confessed to us her husband Phillip also hit her. That was a surprise for us because, to be honest, Dora looked way more toxic than Phillip at first sight; she was always making fun of him and she even hit him in front of us once or twice. Gabriel and I confronted them about it but Phillip said he didn't mind, because she is small so it didn't really hurt.

Anyway, Dora told us he hit her and there were, indeed, bruises on her ribs, legs and arms. She took a beating. She was too scared to go to the police, but we promised we would find a way to help her.

After that, our group, but especially Megan, Gabriel and I spent months doing everything we could to help Dora. Megan went to the police by herself to ask for advice and she also talked to Dora's mom asking for help. I talked to social workers looking for resources to help her. Gabriel pretended to be Phillip's friend to keep an eye on him and ensure Dora's safety. Dora herself seemed to change her mind everytime. She would ask for help and then tell us to mind our own business the next day. She even filed a police report against Phillip with Megan and Gabriel's help, but she cancelled it. Needless to say, it was emotionally draining for all of us, but since we were successful in helping Lauren when she went through the same, we thought we would be able to help Dora too.

We weren't. She kicked Phillip out for a month, but they kept talking in secret everyday and, in the New Year's Eve, while Megan and I were cooking for the party our group always does every year since 2018, she sent Megan a text saying she wouldn't come to the party and, in fact, she would no longer talk to us because she made up with Phillip and she knew we didn't approve that, so we couldn't be friends anymore.

We were devastated. We could barely enjoy our party because we worked so hard to help our friend and she threw that in the trash. All those months tolerating that man - which was triggering to both Megan and I since he reminded her of her aggressor and me of my abuser -, all the effort, all the stress and fear for nothing. To be discarded with a text on our special day.

I was too hurt and blocked Dora on everything. Gabriel blocked her on Instagram. During these last months, we talked a lot about the whole situation and we came to the conclusion that Dora was a very toxic person herself. We remembered several times she was offensive and aggressive with us, and her sister Barbara (18F), who lives with her, told us that she threw plates and books at Phillip while they fought, and their arguments were always the two of them beating each other up. In the end, we came to the conclusion Dora stayed in that relationship because she knew no one else would want to deal with her own aggressiveness. There was nothing else we could do for her and we decided to leave it at that.

Then, two days ago, Gabriel received a text from Dora on his Whatsapp. It was basically her complaining he blocked her on Instagram, saying she liked him so much and he was such a good friend for her and she wanted to know why he blocked her. He simply blocked her on Whatsapp too instead of answering her. Then she texted Lauren asking why she blocked her on Insta (which was super weird since Lauren didn't block her at all). Lauren also didn't answer her. Then she started to follow George on Instagram and he saw she posted a story written: "Love your friends for who they are and not for who you want them to be."

We all met yesterday to talk about the situation. We deduced she had a fight with Phillip and must be feeling lonely since we were her only friends, so she's getting desperate. But we are also so tired of all the drama this situation brought and none of us want be her friend anymore. So we all decided to block her (I mean, they decided to block, I have done that already) and call it a day.

Maybe she needs help, but after the way she treated us, she will need to look for it somewhere else.

AITA for that?