#but in this case it just doesn't work for me honestly
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2nd horseman - War
(click for better quality)
1st horseman - Conquest
timelapse and yapping under the cut
this one was the first one i drew, it was the easiest one to make tbh (it came to me in a dream) (not really but close enough)
it was pretty hard to balance all the red tho (red soul, red swords, red light from the soul and background...) so i made the background light lighter than the soul's light, and i made the outfit a shade of blue so it stands out and so the entire drawing doesn't become a sea of red
the background is just random strokes + liquify tool (push randomly until it looks good, then twirl clockwise on the center), same with the blade texture
also i tried to have the backlight show through K's hoodie, it's mostly visible around the sleeves and a bit around the hips, but it's not really obvious when you first see it (at least to me it looks more like a light coming from the bottom of the image)
so
Why War for Killer?
honestly its the red imma be honest war's attributes are: the color red, a sword and war (as in war and conflict in general, but also as in civil war by opposition to conquest)
killer's whole color scheme is monochrome except for red so it was a pretty obvious match for this one killer uses a knife, and a sword is the closest thing between the 4 horsemen's weapons (i put 2 in just for flair, it doesn't have any special meaning in this case)
the whole war theme also works out pretty well for him, especially civil war. in his og timeline, he was killing & torturing monsters, so he's fighting against his own people (matches with civil war pretty well i think). also he is violent and kinda stupid/mindless, the type to stab first and ask questions never, so it fits war pretty well
the timelapse! (with the brainstorm for all of them as a bonus)
#liem art#my art#utmv#killer sans#something new#killertale#four horsemen of the apocalypse#war#horseman of war
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Analysis: Hakuri & Abusive Backstories
Hello dear void. Hakuri is a character that is near and dear to my heart so I wanted to yap about him and why his story is so important to me on a deeply personal level.
This is a LONG yapfest- the Tumblr Edit Post UI is hitching and lagging while I try to type this little notice there's so much word vomit in here. I honestly don't expect anyone to read it all the way through. I just wrote this to figure out why I was so goddamn attached to a fictional character and decided to jettison it into the ambivalent embrace of the internet. I spent too many hours on this to just delete it all once I found my answers, so... if you wanna strap in, go ahead. But maybe make sure you've got a decent chunk of free time and high tolerance for extremely subjective interpretations first.
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DISCLAIMER: This is purely my opinion- I can't speak for anyone's experience but my own.
First, this isn't a trauma dump. Not for me at least. I'll be talking about what Hakuri endured and how it shaped his character in relatable ways thanks to the quality of the writing. But there won't be anything discussed outside of what happens in Kagurabachi canon, so rest assured on that front.
Second, please don't assume I had a terrible life because I latched on to a character that was literally tortured for years! Even though the major themes resonated with me and many of my thoughts were eerily similar to Hakuri's, nothing I experienced rose to such an extreme level. Like, I genuinely deserved the one time I was hit for being a shitty over-dramatic teenager so it doesn't even come close lmao. Fictional characters don't have to be 1:1 mirrors in terms of type or severity of trauma to be helpful self-reflection tools is all.
Third, I started writing this around chapter 53 and it's being posted as of chapter 58. If it ages poorly, well, I'm not saying I'm smart just because I yap a lot.
Without further ado... prepare for an expansion of massive proportions under the cut.
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All too often we see shounen characters have an abusive sob story background to give them a sympathetic hook and a reason to start from zero. There's little to say about them other than they go from zero to hero for the good vibes and catharsis. They begin their story as a victim first and foremost, and there are little or no lingering effects from trauma once they have their moment of triumph. In the "good" cases they're healed and whole. In the "bad" cases they have negatively warped personalities for the rest of the story. There's not much in between the two extremes.
Portraying the abuse characters endure in such a shallow way is not the best way to write about it, from my point of view. Writing it as something that can be overcome with strength of will alone is harmful. So is writing the victim as a permanently damaged, defective person. Instead, we need more characters like Hakuri that are shaped but not wholly defined by their abuse, and aren't completely healed by putting the manifestation of their torment in the dirt.
Hakuri is the first character the [abusive past] attribute that actually worked as a hook for me. This is largely due to two key writing decisions: not centering Hakuri's entire narrative around overcoming the abuse he suffered, and carefully depicting how trauma influences his actions. It's necessary to read between the lines of what he says and does to see how much he hasn't said about himself- what he won't admit or recognize, despite how core it is to his character.
Chapters 19-23, Meeting and Getting to Know Sazanami Hakuri
Mantis imagery for courage!
The very first things we learn about Hakuri are as follows:
1) He pushes through hardship with sheer force of will 2) He lost his whole family and has probably been on his own for a while 3) #1 is a lie
I've brought it up before, but food symbolism is all over the place in Kagurabachi- it's often a short-hand for comfort and connection. So Hakuri spilling that metaphor out of his mouth right after telling us he's able to "push through" is a sign that he actually isn't coping with his situation that well. His thoughts about himself and his actual status don't match up. But it's ridiculous imagery that puts us off and pushes us towards thinking he's kind of pathetic rather than making us feel sorry for him. And the rest of his introduction, while accurate to his character, buries the lede on how much he's suffering.
As for his backstory: he was disowned, yes. He says his family will kill him if they see him, yes. But it reads more like Hakuri was punished for being a moral black sheep after he himself framed being disowned as punishment for "being weak" and "getting in the way of business". There's no hint of foul play on his family's part other than being low-life criminals to be fought as the arc villains. So he's primed for some sadness but probably nothing on Char's level. The only hints we have towards something serious until the chapter 24 reveal are not exactly obvious:
-He has a fatalistic mindset and thinks it's natural for him to be overpowered and kicked around because he's weak. (Could just be typical zero-to-hero shounen character things.)
-He's generally unafraid and highly tolerant of pain. He gives no shits about his condition after being kicked around by the Yakuza, smears the blood from his nose while casually talking to Chihiro, and willingly takes a strong hit and is able to yell encouragement to Chihiro while lying bloody on the floor. (Doesn't really stand out in a series as violent as Kagurabachi; this is kind of the bare minimum for being involved in the plot if you aren't a child to be protected.)
-Perhaps the only big tell-tale sign: we zoom in on his trembling fist when describing his older siblings as "strong and scary" in chapter 23. (Could be inferred as fearing for his life since he also says they'd kill him on sight in the same chapter.)
Hakuri's not written like a typical abuse victim in this intro. We don't get commentary from other characters about how much pain Hakuri seems to be in- they comment on how weak and dopey he appears instead. Nor do we get shots of him looking sad, flinching away from touch, or being hesitant to connect with other people. He's actually kind of unhinged with how passionate and eager he is to join forces with Chihiro. He's intense and ridiculous and gets used like a wholesome gag character more than anything else.
So there's not much to suspect here. Hakuri's got more to reveal to us but there are no signs of what we should brace ourselves for. Then the nightmare starts.
Chs. 24-26, The First Glimpse
This page goes from 0 to 100 REAL quick.
Well, shit.
Behold the understated reveal of Hakuri's status as a victim of abuse. The revelation at the bottom of the page only to see his suicide attempt on the page turn is an extremely effective "oh shit- OH SHIT-" two-hit combo that arrests the reader's attention, and I really wish that it was the most memorable part of the chapter for more people. Because holy hell, this recontextualizes everything we know about Hakuri. He's still a passionate, silly, and slightly insane guy, but damn he actually suffered more than he let on.
To find out like this is unusual, isn't it? Char's situation wasn't shown right away either, but meeting her as a scruffy orphan clued us in that she was going to have a tough past from the start. Hakuri, by comparison, gave us very few obvious hints about it. It's like he doesn't want to be seen that way. He openly admits to being "weak" and "useless" but his own pain? The suffering he endured? He's totally fine pushing past it all (lies).
But we're not even close to done yet.
Note how Hakuri's focused on Soya's hands...
Hakuri's first instinct being to jump to his death says a lot. Unlike standing up for the little girl or jumping in to save Chihiro, this is a purely reactionary response. There's no room to think back to Chihiro's bravery for inspiration as those memories overwhelm him. He's terrified. So he jumps and trembles in fear as Soya tries to talk him into coming back to relive his nightmares.
We laughed at the soda spilling out of his mouth and his expressions after he got hit in the face by Hiyuki, but this is deadly serious. Hakuri isn't okay at all. He's actually in very bad condition and the way he thinks about Soya says so much.
The panel explaining Soya's expression of "love" on the page above is important, but it's not emphasized in the same way as what's happening in the present. It feels like an unpleasant detour into Hakuri's inner thoughts for extra context while the main focus is on him and Soya in the moment. Hakuri doesn't even describe what happened to him directly- he says "punching and kicking" like it could be anything from hazing to broken bones, but the backdrop lets us know that it's probably closer to the latter. It gives the impression that Hakuri (understandably) doesn't want to think about this at all.
He also frames Soya's aggression towards him as an expression of "sincere" affection. That's preposterous and heart-breaking to most people- violence isn't love. Even most victims will acknowledge that... to a point. Violence hurts, it's unwanted, but it's still a valid expression of emotion to be acknowledged. It's something they earn or deserve. The rational people are correctly screaming NO IT'S NOT! And most victims would agree again... to a point. Somehow they're the exception to that mindset. Other people don't deserve it, but they do.
So despite it all, Hakuri is still able to be brave for Hinao's sake. He's not going to let Soya hurt anyone else if he can help it, even if it means putting himself back in harm's way. This adds an interesting layer to his character. He's laden with trauma, but he's still able to show courage for others. He thinks he's weak and won't prevent whatever abuse comes his way, but he will put himself at risk to stop others from experiencing the same or worse.
Why is he so devoted to protecting other people at his own expense? Sadly, it's not uncommon for victims to advocate harder for other people than they do for themselves. It also has something to do with the merchandise woman that was mentioned this chapter, but that reasoning won't be revealed for a while yet.
"This pathetic wretch was born a Sazanami, but he can't even do sorcery. He's useless. Worse, he's a hindrance. His life is worthless."
There's another thrill of panic when Kyora summons Hakuri to use his life as a bargaining chip. Hakuri's at his most pathetic here- he's on the ground, helpless under Kyora's foot, not even trying to resist or escape. None of the fire we saw when he saved the little girl, took that hit for Chihiro, or defended Hinao is present. Hakuri can't be brave for himself. He's quite literally trampled by what passes for the Sazanami version of "love" and "basic human decency". It doesn't need to be spelled out any clearer than this: Hakuri's woes come from his family, especially his father. The Sazanamis are fucked up even when it comes to how they treat their own flesh and blood. They're rotten from the head down.
It's obvious then why Chihiro's words and actions affect Hakuri so much. Hakuri thinks he has no value whatsoever- his father says as much, and he falls for Shiba's bluff implying the same. Only Chihiro steps in to directly repudiate Kyora's toxicity and say yes, Hakuri does have value. So much, in fact, that he's willing to trade the precious memento of his father (and the majority of his strength) to prove it. So they're able to leave, but not without Hakuri encumbering himself with a huge amount of guilt for how things went down.
The face of someone ready to spiral down and out.
It's telling that reassurances don't do much to help Hakuri feel better. Shiba tries to help by offering generic comfort (ice cream) and Chihiro tells him it's alright, but it's not until Hakuri hears that he's still needed that he's able to bring himself out of the mire of self-hate.
Of course it's extra effective for Hakuri because he was considered totally useless, but this is very relatable even for folks who weren't told they had no value on a daily basis. Offers of comfort only make the self-hate worse for some people who think they're utterly worthless. Even simple gestures like Shiba's twist the knife and reinforce the idea that the person doesn't deserve any kindness whatsoever. It just piles on the guilt. But being given something to do -especially if it's believably framed as something only they're capable of doing- feels incredible. They might have some value after all, even if only for this one thing.
It's something that I really appreciate the author doing since it's a touch that didn't need to be added. Hakuri could have just found a bit of solace in Shiba and Chihiro's words, which would have given more time for other things to be addressed in the chapter. But it's important to show that Hakuri struggles with accepting kindness because he took his father's words to heart. His feelings of worthlessness and uselessness are essential to who he is.
After this we see him at Chihiro's beck and call, prioritizing his requests over everything- relaxing with Char and Hinao, even his own comfort with another ice cream/food metaphor. It's framed as something silly and dog-like for the laughs, which once again encourages us to downplay the severity of this issue for him. None of the other characters ever directly point this out either. It's one of those informed traits that influences Hakuri's actions without any acknowledgment from himself or others, but just like the soda spilling out of his mouth, we're invited to treat it as a gag.
From here, the focus shifts entirely to building tension for the raid on the Rakuzaichi. Hakuri's circumstances are put on the back-burner to simmer for 5 weeks in real time until he confronts Soya in chapter 30.
Chs. 30 & 32-34, The Soya Rematch (what Chihiro and Shiba know):
Hakuri puts his fear of Soya aside to bait him out to help the mission. Chihiro and Shiba gave him a job to do, so he'll see it through no matter what. Unfortunately things don't go as planned and he ends up all alone with his biggest tormentor.
I'll have more to say about Soya himself in his own section with Kyora later, but it's very clear what his role as Chief Bully is, narratively speaking:
In a lot of ways, Soya is more object than actual character. He's our almost cartoonishly evil device to represent everything that's been repressing Hakuri. He's the demon in his head telling him he's useless, pathetic, weak, and so on. So Hakuri trying to square up to Soya is also him facing off against the things he's internalized that hold him back.
Hakuri's struggle against Soya before he awakens seems very hopeful and standard shounen. He's fighting the internal battle at the same time as the external, telling his brother to "shut up" while his mind races to figure out what he should do now that the situation went belly-up. He could keep playing the victim and take Shiba up on his offer to help since he can't reach Chihiro, or he could play dead and wait for it all to be over... or he could try believing in himself. Because Chihiro saw something in him and even if he can't bring himself to think he's strong and capable, he can at least have faith in Chihiro's words that they would end the Rakuzaichi together.
This time it works and he's able to shove Soya close enough to the tree wall so that Chihiro can give us a great visual metaphor to show us what just happened to Hakuri:
Chihiro is the one who broke Hakuri's mental barrier for him. He couldn't do it himself, but someone he admired believing in him in return made all the difference. Hakuri just needed a little support to start coming into his own.
He stays behind to handle the rest of the fight on his own while Chihiro goes ahead to meet up with Shiba- he can do this himself now that he's awakened thanks to their help. Very wholesome, extremely shounen. But there are deliberate writing choices which make it obvious that there's more going on beyond the surface that winning this fight won't fix or even fully address.
In Chapter 32, Hakuri tells Chihiro and Shiba a slightly condensed version of his experience as an uncomfortable reminder for the reader. Oh, right, Hakuri was abused- at least that explains why he survived a Flame Bone punch to the face. Anyway, let's move on to ditching John Hishaku and kicking Soya's ass.
The framing is so interesting to me. Chapter 32 uses preexisting panels that are cropped and presented slightly differently compared to how they originally appeared: Ch. 24
Ch. 32
Full page for reference.
When Hakuri recounts a version of the abuse flashbacks, they're not merely downsized to fit. They're cropped to downplay the gang-ups and are smaller in size compared to the rest of his story, almost as if he doesn't think it's that big of a deal compared to being unable to keep up with his siblings. We don't even see his own words describing what happened despite him talking freely about everything else. Instead, the abuse sequence is treated like the panel where he describes Soya's "love"- Hakuri talking to Chihiro and Shiba about his suffering is an unpleasant aside to give context rather than the main event.
Seriously. The dialogue of him explaining why his family gave up on him over the reused backdrop of the Sazanami estate is given more time than him being hit and kicked. Chihiro and Shiba get the "it wasn't so bad" version of events compared to what Hakuri remembers experiencing, and we're invited to treat what's normally the foundation of a character's entire existence as a convenient explanation for why he's so goddamn sturdy.
Neither of them noticeably react to his story too. We got a bit from Shiba in the car in Chapter 26 when he realized Hakuri was probably stewing in self-hatred, but we've never seen any of Chihiro's thoughts or reactions since he was disgusted by Kyora using Hakuri as a bargaining chip. He does reassure Hakuri that they'll be there to help him, but isn't it strange we don't see Chihiro's reaction to this information at all? We see little panels of his concerned faces all the time for less than what Hakuri talked about here:
Chihiro cares a hell of a lot, and he's very attentive to boot.
Obviously we don't see Chihiro and Shiba's reactions because they aren't important. This isn't about Hakuri's abuse- we already knew about it. The focus is on Hakuri's awakening and his faith in Chihiro, not the past.
This is a victim's mindset manifesting as clever visual storytelling, in my opinion. Of course it's not that bad when he has to talk about it; he invited it by being weak and not living up to standards. It wasn't a big deal though. There's more important stuff to do right now anyway. And the story moves on as if to agree with him- we go right back to our regularly scheduled action scenes interspersed with some flashbacks to contextualize other characters, namely Tenri and the Sazanamis before Hakuri was rejected.
That's right, Hakuri once again dodges abusive past cliches by being doted on and cared for before he was found lacking. He knew what it was to be loved, even if the Sazanami version is manipulative to the point of being abusive all by itself. There's more to say about this under Kyora's section but no wonder Hakuri's so fixated on being useful- he wants that affection and sense of belonging back more than anything. It's fucked up, but it's all he knows. So Hakuri was abused twice over: emotionally and physically. Damn. He turned out pretty alright despite it all, huh? Wonder how that happened...
Well, it's time to move on now so he can ascend and overcome it all. He's gotta yell "Isou!" and prove himself, and the next two chapters seem to be putting him on course to do just that, albeit with some difficulty. Can't make a character's awakening too easy or it won't feel earned. He's got some serious trauma to overcome thanks to his family's bullshit.
Then chapter 35 hits and we get the nightmare fuel.
Ch. 35, The Real Backstory (what Ice Lady knew):
Chapter 35 is that long-awaited full-chapter delve into Hakuri's painful past with the mysterious woman, and boy does it have some unsettling revelations.
Ice Lady's tragedy is framed as the important driving force for Hakuri as we know him- she broke him free from his family's grip and motivated him to seek help to end their evil ways. She's the entire reason we meet him in Chapter 19. Everything Hakuri is doing this arc ties back to how badly he fucked up with her, setting the stage for him to become the savior he tried to be when we met him. Oh yeah, we got more Hakuri abuse lore. Can you believe that WSJ let the author get away with showing someone slitting their throat in front of a kid?! And make it at least partially his fault? Jesus Christ. Now it's truly time for him to come into his own, though- oh man that cliffhanger at the end of the chapter...! Wait, what do you mean there was more to his suffering besides the situation with Ice Lady?
I was being a bit facetious there but the point stands. We didn't get a tear-jerker reveal chapter dedicated solely to Hakuri's pain and suffering at long last just to make us feel bad for him and nothing else. Instead, we got a full-blown tragedy caused by the Sazanami cycle of abuse. The nightmare of Ice Lady killing herself in front of Hakuri overshadowed the reveal that damn, Hakuri actually had it super rough. Because yeah, that was unexpectedly brutal even compared to Chihiro being baited with Char's severed leg last arc. It really drove home just how fucked up the situation with the Sazanami family was and how it affected everyone that got tangled up in their bullshit.
So the presentation of what he endured is once again subdued even though the panels showcasing the tools took up half the page. Soya breaking Hakuri's finger was called "bullying" (いじめ[ijime], not 虐待 [gyakutai, abuse]). A single flash back frame off to the side seems small compared to the emphasis on Hakuri telling Ice Lady (and us) that it's "not that bad" because Soya keeps losing the tools and going back to using his fists (the terror in Hakuri's expression in that panel is completely at odds with how calm is explanation is, though). It's also not unreasonable to presume that the jump rope, peeler, and wrench were shown for the audience's benefit to clue us in that Hakuri's holding back again, much like the panel describing Soya's "love" in chapter 24. He's always saying the bare minimum and trying not to think of the rest- he buries that shit deep.
But he has to if he wants to keep going. There's no way he can sit down and process all of this right now:
Hakuri: "It's normal for my brother to break my bones and worse before he loses the tools. He usually only hits me anyway, so it's not like this happens all the time."
Woman betrayed by the man she loved to be sold at an auction as merchandise to the boy overseeing her captivity: "That's messed up!"
"This is as close as I can get to being cherished by the people who are supposed to care for and support me."
He even misses the point when he finally does open up:
"You're the one who's trapped in a cage."
This part is the hardest for me to write about, honestly. Again: I was never tortured or anything, much less hit. But this chapter is the one that made me take a good, hard look at what I went through and connect some dots. Hakuri's mindset, the things he says, the way he phrases things- that's someone who doesn't want to acknowledge that they're in a bad situation that's not their fault.
Hakuri will talk about his own worthlessness and all his defects that "invite" the abuse, but he won't acknowledge that he doesn't deserve what's happening to him at all. He's not the kind of shounen character who understands that his situation sucks and uses it as fuel to become better. Instead, he's stuck in that oh-so-relatable spiral of self-deprecating negativity that keeps victims trapped.
It's easier for Hakuri to think he deserved it for his own failings. This wouldn't be happening if he hadn't earned it somehow. He's in this situation because he's weak and any "love" is better than none at all. Then it's reinforced by the genuine helplessness and vulnerability of being too isolated to escape or know better, compacting down into dense layers of denial and self-hate that act as defensive armour against emotions that are too difficult to face. Like anger or the desire for something better. Like hope. Those are only felt on behalf of others, not himself.
At any rate, it's a bit distressing that so many people forget that Hakuri's actually a hell of a lot more complex than he was hinted to be before this chapter. He's not an innocent in all this like Char was, which is incredibly smart and realistic writing from the author. Hakuri was also an abuser himself. An accidental one, but doesn't matter when you talk to someone the way he did to Ice Lady. He didn't swing the knife but he did kill her with the same mentality that was crushing him down on the inside.
He doesn't use his suffering as an excuse for anything he does, good or bad. Not even in the sense of wanting to save others- that's all about Ice Lady and his family's terrible legacy. What happened to him isn't worth mentioning or acting on. Yet another distressingly accurate facet of a victim's mentality, unfortunately.
But this must be it. This chapter was a depressing surprise but surely there's nothing left to reveal. We had his big moment of sadness so it's only going up from here. Hakuri's going to overcome everything and it'll all be okay! Back to standard shounen powerups!
Chs. 36-43, Putting the Past to Rest (things only Hakuri knows):
Oh.
In chapter 36, the storehouse reveal somewhat overshadows all the instruments of abuse Hakuri unwittingly stored inside it. There are a lot of people who completely forgot about the objects in there during the hype of the moment, and I never get tired of seeing "WTF?!" posts and comments from folks doing re-reads of the arc. It's so easy to overlook the rope and sticks and all the other tools when you're cheering hard for Hakuri to finally, finally overcome his tragic past by putting Soya down. Worst Big Bro is gonna pay and Hakuri's ascension will be complete! ... Wait, was that a goddamn chair?
There's also a point made of Soya's defeat not being a resounding victory.
Still framing Soya's abuse as love, but it's got a bitter feel to it this time.
Hakuri is the one who gives Chihiro strength in the moment despite everything he's just been through.
We're cheering when he awakens and pressurizes Soya's guts, but then these panels remind us that there's nothing to celebrate from Hakuri's perspective. He doesn't savor finally overcoming Soya as his abuser or the manifestation of everything that's messed up about his family. There's no immediate sense that things will be okay from now on either. To Hakuri, this isn't a personal victory. It's just something that needed to be done for Ice Lady and all the victims of the Rakuzaichi.
This is a sort of capstone to Hakuri's backstory. The second-to-last new thing we learn about him is that the abuse was still somehow worse than we thought. He really, truly buries the lede when it comes to what he suffered and the writing is in cahoots with him on it. He won't even take the time to smile or feel a little relief- he's not ready for that yet. Instead he just walks past Tenri's mutilated corpse to pull Chihiro along to get the job done.
If this was a different series we might get a little more catharsis- even just the barest hint that Hakuri's gonna be just fine from now on. But this is Kagurabachi and the author fucking gets it so there's still a little more to unpack before Hakuri can have an opportunity to begin the healing process.
In chapter 37, the pain of Kyora looking away was framed as just as important to Hakuri as the fond memories of when he was loved and wanted:
"... I still wanted you to praise me, Father."
The very last thing we learn about Hakuri is that he wanted his father's love despite it all.
Hakuri ended the torment from Soya- he'll never have to worry about his skin being peeled off or getting beaten with a pipe ever again. But the cycle that caused it- and the complex feelings for the people who hurt him- aren't so easily dealt with. It's not so simple as being hurt and flipping a switch to stop feeling affection for the perpetrator. So Hakuri acknowledges that he still wanted his father's praise in spite of the years of torment the man knowingly enabled.
In the end, Kyora grants Hakuri's secret wish and acknowledges him at the very last as the chaos fades away so that they're the only thing in each other's view. He really, truly won it all. He doesn't rejoice in victory, though. Once more there's no triumph for Hakuri to celebrate. Killing his father was just another thing that had to be done so that there would never be another Ice Lady.
It's hard to say what exactly Hakuri's feeling about Kyora's death since it's yet another thing we haven't seen him talk about- and may never. It's not too much of a stretch to think he's got a complex mix of sadness, relief, and guilt going on, though. At least the moment when their eyes met was intensely cathartic after all the times Kyora deliberately looked away. But Hakuri's still not okay yet.
It's not like life suddenly gets better when the abuser is gone for good in some cases. Hakuri's still struggling in the immediate aftermath of seeing his father die at last. It's a relief that there won't be any more pain caused by the Sazanami clan -and Kyora in particular- but it still fucking hurts to lose someone so important to you. It's also frightening to suddenly be thrust into the unknown without a guide of any kind.
Fortunately for him, Hakuri is able to find new purpose with Chihiro. He gets to walk away from his family and stay with the people who believed in him. This is another thing that I can't praise the author enough for. It's far, far too common for writers to frame victims reforming their abusers as some kind of ultimate victory.
No, no, no!
The most charitable way to explain this is that the survivor is so saintly that they'll even reach out to the ones who hurt them to help them become better people. But that is such utter bullshit I don't even have the words to express myself properly. It's terrible messaging for survivors. They don't have any obligation whatsoever to help the people who hurt them. They don't even have to keep tabs on how the abusers are doing in a general sense. They get to fucking leave and find happiness with people who treat them well. That is the true ideal.
Hakuri being given a clear out to leave is where the rest of the catharsis in his story comes from. He doesn't have to stay and fix things even though he absolutely could as the first person since the clan's founder to have both Isou and the storehouse powers. Kyoura and Soya are gone- he could have stepped in to make the clan right their wrongs and atone as a family. But there's not even a hint of guilt tripping from the author about Hakuri's decision to follow Chihiro. It's framed as the best possible thing for him to do, in fact.
If he stayed, he'd never work on the other issues around self-worth that he's burying so deep inside. Switching from villainy to good deeds won't resolve the issues with the clan's mindset about being living tools for a greater cause either. Not to mention the fact that there's nothing his siblings can offer him even if they treat him like a king for the rest of his life- the damage was already done long ago. There's nothing left for him there except more misery and stagnation. He needs to go with Chihiro, his new north star, to learn how to heal.
But lest this outcome be too heartwarming, Hakuri's still not directly facing everything that he went through. Hakuri phrases working alongside Chihiro as "proving the value that [Chihiro] saw in him", not "starting over" or "making the world a better place together" or even "paying Chihiro back" by helping him on his mission. He's still trying to be useful in the service of someone else like a tool.
Hakuri's bruises are already fading; or at least they were until I had to edit this part in light of the events of chapter 56 onward. But the mental scars of the abuse are still guiding his actions and thought processes even if he doesn't acknowledge it. And that's where we come back to the torture implements still hidden in his warehouse.
Hakuri's not home free despite us collectively sighing in relief that he got his Happily Ever After, subdued as it was. He needs to face what he's been avoiding and burying so that he's not endangering Chihiro's plan and the people around him by throwing himself in danger just to be even the slightest bit useful.
Oftentimes, trauma is an invisible scar that needs to be worked around for the rest of someone's life- hence why he's still got those physical manifestations stored deep inside where only he can see and grant access. Hakuri's only just started out on the path to redemption and recovery. He needs to start addressing the guilt over Ice Lady and learn some tough lessons about self-worth before he can even begin to look further inside to those Visual Metaphor Tools.
After that, if the author's interested in continuing this part of Hakuri's character, is exposing them and what they mean to someone who can help Hakuri get rid of them. Whether that's Chihiro, Shiba, or someone else doesn't really matter. Hakuri's got a long road ahead dealing with the lingering after-effects, unlike so many of his fictional fellow survivors. He's still very much in need of a lot of support from his new found family- now more so than ever after what happened in chapter 58.
Soya and Kyora
There's something to be said about the writing for the primary abusers, too. The Rakuzaichi arc was well-received in large part to Kyora being an incredible villain and Soya being... Soya.
Soya
And the "Worst Big Brother" Award goes to...
Soya serves two primary purposes in the narrative: to contrast Hakuri's character, and be the manifestation of everything that was wrong with the clan.
Soya and Hakuri share similar looks, hand gestures, and extreme expressions but they couldn't be more different. Soya has the inverse of Hakuri's character framing: he's shown to be competent and strong, and almost everyone in-universe acknowledges him as such-we're even told he's smarter than Kyora. But he's actually quite the pathetic loser due to his freakish obsession with his "weak" little brother.
More obviously, Soya is the rotten core of the family. He's obsessive over Hakuri to an extremely alarming degree- he even refuses his duties as the next clan head and a member of the elite Tou to find and stay with Hakuri. Kyoura tells him to "stop fixating on that failure" but Soya's having none of it, he just can't let go of his "endearing" weakling of a little brother. Bullying Hakuri is what he lives for and he does it all in the name of purest love. Just like the clan lives for the Rakuzaichi and are devoted to it mind, body, and soul. They're both extremely toxic and Soya's the guy who gets to represent the deleterious effects of cleaving to abusive mentalities on individual members.
Soya's fists and words to Hakuri are the blatant messaging about what the Sazanami mindset did to him. He had that mental block preventing him from using his sorcery because he was constantly being told he was weak and useless. It was literally beaten into him as a form of love, but not all abusive mentalities need to be reinforced with violence. Soya was just there to make the point too obvious to be missed.
Hakuri's final words to Soya say it all. Soya throws a tantrum over Hakuri refusing to lay down and take the abuse any more and screams "Why won't you go down?! Why won't you die?!" Hakuri simply responds that it's because Soya "always loved [him]" and deals the final blow. He was able to recognize the strengths his family gave him through Soya's "love" but he's not grateful in the slightest (and he shouldn't be). He's simply ready to sever all ties and move on with tearing it all down now. Hakuri was finally able to accept that he didn't want or need that kind of love in his life any more.
Kyora
And the "Worst Dad" Award goes to...
Obviously, Kyoura is the key to this whole mess. He's the one who instilled his children with corrupt values, enabled Hakuri's abuse, and generally Fucked Up Big Time when it came to loving his kids properly. But he thought he was doing the right thing because what's what he went through. He was both abuser and victim himself, just like Hakuri.
This is the key part of abusive backstories that are so often missed. Abuse doesn't always come from deadbeat caretakers that hate the innocent little kid. That scenario is actually way too over represented in fiction, honestly. Abuse isn't always constant malice- it can start later in life. It can even be born from love. Ultimately, it's all too often the unintended consequence of a family haunted by the specter of the cycle. And Kyora is the perfect summary of how and why it echoes through generations.
Hakuri was loved and wanted for at least half of his life. His family might not be wholesome or have healthy attitudes about affection, but he wasn't born hated and mistreated just for existing. He was cared for to the best of his dad's ability just like Tenri and his other siblings.
Even when Hakuri failed to live up to expectations, Kyora didn't just write him off and turn him loose. He kept Hakuri around for years feeding and clothing him and let him try to do what he could. Kyora simply couldn't justify protecting him or showing love since the family ideals were so warped around being able to serve the clan's tradition. He wasn't "allowed" to love a failure, no matter how much he wanted to.
Kyoura struggled about his feelings for his "worthless son" in the flashback we saw through Tenri's PoV- he wanted Hakuri to succeed. He acted like Hakuri forced his hand to punish and marginalize him for failing too hard, not out of ill-will. And during the raid itself he was actually "bent out of shape because he used Hakuri's life as a bargaining chip", according to Enji. It wasn't even until Hakuri showed up to break into the storehouse that Kyora truly cast everything away to prioritize the Rakuzaichi. He really did love Hakuri in his own way.
Kyora was a shitty dad and person, don't get me wrong. No one should put family tradition over their child's well-being and he more than earned his death just by being a human trafficker. But it's clear that Kyora wasn't written to be a shallow, irredeemable monster of a person- he didn't exist in the story just to be a villain and to make us feel bad for Hakuri. He's a tragic character in his own right.
He couldn't even understand why his wife's final words about the auction ruining their lives was replaying in his head near his final moments. The what-if scenario of his happy family sitting down to eat dinner in an apartment somewhere showed his longing for something that he could have had, if not for the goddamn auction. If not for the abuse that made him into the person he chose to be until the very end.
It's why Hakuri getting to walk away is such a poignant end to the Rakuzaichi arc. He's the one who gets to break the cycle on his own terms, and that's the true end of the Sazanami dynasty. The auction hall doesn't collapse until he decides to stand tall and follow a new path. Whatever Hakuri's siblings do with the Sazanami legacy isn't his concern any more- he's free.
What About Char?
Char's story was also well told! It's the earliest evidence that the author actually gets it when it comes to depicting abuse victims. She's reticent despite her desperation, unable to open up even when Shiba and Chihiro tell her she needs to or they'll send her to an orphanage. Eventually Chihiro wins her trust through his altruism and she comes to believe in him. She and us are the only ones who know exactly what happened with her mom, but it's not important for the rest of the cast to be in on it. She's safe and happy now and that's enough.
Even though Char's arc ended close to that overly-simplistic "everything is k now" scenario that I hate, there's one key difference that sets it apart to let us know that no, she's not truly okay yet.
Char's still got some attachment issues, which makes perfect sense. She lost her mom in a traumatic way so of course she's happily surprised that Chihiro came back to her. Char's on the path to healing- she's able to thrive thanks to Team Goldfish's care- but her abusive past still shapes who she is in small ways like this.
I doubt we'll see more development of her beyond checking in now and then. She's too young to be consistently involved in the heavy themes of Kagurabachi's story, much less the fights. But it's good to know that the author includes little details like this so we don't assume Char's 100% fine now. He understands that trauma doesn't just vanish when the victim's safe in their Happily Ever After scenario. That's why he made sure we knew that she's going to be okay in the long-run.
Ch. 26, right after Chihiro trades Enten for Hakuri
But Hakuri's not there himself yet.
Food as a metaphor for comfort, security, and/or connection is constant in this series. It's very obvious symbolism to let the author convey a bit more context in the scene than dialogue alone can. So when Hakuri rejects food here, he's rejecting reassurance from Shiba. Meanwhile Char's already comfortable enough to accept it. Good for her, truly!
Hakuri's situation wasn't necessarily worse than hers, but it was a lot more complex. So even though he's safe now, he's not really able to pursue his happiness yet. All those tools he keeps locked up inside, the mindset of being one himself- they're still issues for him to work through. But there's hope for him too.
The author went out of his way to show us that Hakuri's also on the path to healing here. The last time Hakuri shared food with someone, he was forcing his abusive ideology on Ice Lady. She started finishing the meals and truly internalizing the hopelessness of her situation. He fucked up the food as comfort/connection metaphor bad with her.
Yet in Chapter 47, we see Hakuri sharing some snacks with Chihiro on the train. Sharing food isn't connected to the situation at hand or the information dump it's serving as backdrop for, so it's definitely a deliberate choice on the author's part to depict this instead of literally anything else. It was shown to let us know that Hakuri's on his way to his own Happily Ever After.
He's able to connect to Chihiro and not worry about the repercussions. This is a huge step for his character and speaks volumes about the level of trust between them; this is the first time Chihiro's willingly accepted food from someone else too. Hakuri's not only still reaching out to other people, he's still able to provide warmth to others despite it all.
What's Next?
I'm not going to pretend that I can predict what Hakuri's story will look like from here on out. He'll have a hard time for as long as he's slated to get development though- Kagurabachi takes the adage "suffering builds character" very seriously. We're only 58 chapters in as of finally posting this so it's best to strap in and expect a lot more pain.
That said, I feel like Hakuri's self-sacrificing mindset is going to be addressed first. As of chapter 55, he's set up to fail and cause problems by throwing himself into danger despite not being fully healed or rested. The root of this issue would likely be his atoning savior mindset. Hakuri needs to protect and save others very badly after what happened to Ice Lady. He also loathes the idea of others making sacrifices for his sake. So he's willing to throw his life away even when it would be better for his allies if he stayed out of the fighting.
There's also a good reason we met the Makizumi clan in the arc immediately after the Rakuzaichi fell- Hakuri needs to start dismantling the "tool" mindset that was drilled into him. He's only switched his fervor from serving the Rakuzaichi to serving/saving others. This is extremely toxic when combined with his guilt over Ice Lady and drives him to go to extremes to do good, to the point where he's ignoring everyone trying to get him to rest and heal for the sake of the mission if nothing else.
In essence, I believe we are going to finally address the lie of his introduction- that he can keep pushing through hardship with sheer force of will. Because that is not how overcoming trauma actually works.
After that, only the author and his editor know exactly where things will go. But I hope that no matter what happens, Hakuri's lingering trauma is exposed and dealt with. It's informing all of his actions, positive or negative, whether he wants to acknowledge it or not. I have faith that this author can tackle this subject compassionately and realistically- he's already done it twice with Char and the Rakuzaichi arc.
So that's that. If you read all this... thanks. Take care, and choose kindness for yourself for today.
#kagurabachi#sazanami hakuri#Being an abuse survivor isn't the crux of who a person is#But it leaves permanent invisible scars that they define themselves around- knowingly or not#Promise I'll never get this personal again#long post#Only partially fueled by annoyance over how many people don't seem to understand Hakuri's character#He didn't get so much thoughtful and intricate development to be written out or killed off either#This is just my extremely long Hot Take but dammit I'm so tired of people asking why he's still around or why he's pushing himself so hard#Don't get me started on the BS about him “needing” to be nerfed either#Or giving up his sorcery to wield an enchanted blade#Writing another essay in the tags is how we roll around these parts
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"I honestly think the fandom portrays stolas/blitz better sometimes… like, in fan content and such. Like it’s very similar to marinette/adrien for me, where fans make better shipping content, bc like.. in canon there’s a lot of things where it’s like. They gloss over stuff and/or don’t take advantage of clear opportunities." "We see Fizz and Ozzie being domestic and showing how they work off each other + care about with each other, and with Huskerdust, we’ve already seen them bond over things they have in common Whereas ships like stolitz I think need that kinda stuff a lot. Like, I get the show’s a slow burn, but.. even just little hints of them starting to bond would do a lot, I think"
...Serena there is not a day where I am not exposed to bad takes on the owl/lizard ship. Kill me.
As someone who's done a lot of ML salt in the past, it still feels wrong to me to compare Stolitz to Adrienette like that.
Mainly, because one of the core problems with Miraculous in general is how it's been going on for almost a decade already, with like 131 episodes and 4 specials under it's belt by now (and several more seasons confirmed), but spent so much time dicking around, resetting things to the status quo and having some of the most inconsistent lore and character writing I've seen. So, in their case, yes, it genuinely glossed over things and missed a crapton of opportinities.
But a VERY important difference with Stolitz is how Helluva Boss currently only has 18 finished episodes. They can complain about "missed opportunities" all they want and claim they "glossed over" things when the story is still being told, but that doesn't change the fact this is literally an indie animation show, not to mention literally free to watch, that has had more development in 18 episodes than Miraculous had in more than 10 dozens of episodes.
And can people for the love of Lucifer stop acting like more wholesome equels better. I love wholesome ships as much as the next person, I've got plently of those myself, but at the end of the day I'm a girl with different moods and love me some good complicated "unhealthy" ships and that's the entire point of Stolitz. To show how two people who currently have an unhealthy dynamic, try to work on it and become a so called "wholesome" couple one day, because their love for each other is true and worth fighting for.
Also, I swear, it's literally always the people complaining about "Stolitz taking over the show" that also claim they "haven't gotten enough development" (whoa, it's almost like we're not even halfway through the story yet). Like... these people do realize Stolitz needs screen time and focus to get developed, right!?
#helluva boss#stolas goetia#stolas#blitzø#blitzo#stolitz#hellaverse#ml salt#ml writing salt#ml writers salt#anon#ask
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Excuse me but do you base your claim that Nenya couldn't have healed Sauron "because he is a Maia" (and not a Maya btw, also his name was Mairon and not Marion, as I see often written :) Sorry, I had to say it ;) ) on a Tolkien text ?
No offense but it sounds like a headcanon to me, just like the idea that Adar always wanted to do good and was already on a path of redemption when he put on Nenya is a headcanon to me.
Mairon being a demigod and not a god, I'm afraid I don't understand why a ring containing demigod level Ainur magic couldn't have worked on him. His own magic wouldn't work on him ? Why ? I also don't see how Galadriel could have known that. She was discovering the power of her ring just like the audience did, she didn't have enough knowledge on the matter to decide that Sauron's corruption could be healed while Adar's could. IF she did know that it wouldn't work on Sauron, the writers should have had her spell it out. I think honestly they just thought it would be super cool to offer a speedy redemption to Adar by making him miraculously healed by Nenya, and didn't think that the audience would wonder why Galadriel didn't offer Sauron to try with him, or why Sauron didn't express any interest in being healed.
Regarding Eonwe, Sauron didn't ask him to "heal" him. Sauron was in the process of healing himself (his repentance phase) by abjuring all his evil deeds, but Eonwe simply didn't have the power to judge Sauron, being his equal. Hence why he told him to return to Aman and receive Manwe's judgement. Sauron was scared and fled instead. I still don't see how the fact that Eonwe didn't have any authority on Sauron is related to the possible fact that Nenya couldn't have healed Sauron, tbh.
It is possible that the writers felt that this point was as obvious to the viewers of the show as it was to them.
Urgh, sorry but if that's the case they were very wrong. I'd say that about half of the audience of TROP have only watched the Peter Jackson LOTR movies, and maybe the other half has read the Silmarillion ? There are also people who didn't watch the movies or read the books. The writers can't expect such a diversified audience to think "obvious" the fact that Sauron wouldn't be healed by Nenya. Actually Charlie was asked about that and he said that maybe Nenya would have made Sauron better, or maybe it would have made him worse, so it doesn't seem to be that clear cut really.
Nenya being able of freeing someone from the corruption of morgoth should have a bigger impact in the narrative and caracthers and be a game changer in middle earth and the fact that Galadriel refuses to give it to Sauron that is desperately trying to escape melkor's influence is beyond shortsighted and cruel I blame the writers, mind you Not her but this is huge plot hole (idk what we would call a device being able to fix all the issues of a universe being ignored) and I can't stop thinking about the what if scenario where gal handles sauron the ring
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In college, my interpretation teacher said to never translate "~~じゃないか" (looks like negative connotation but is actually positive) into a sentence like "Isn't it ~~" (in my language, not English). I never took that to heart until now. I'm currently reading ORV on a novel website and there are a lot of sentences like "Aren't you ~~" which honestly sounds quite tacky
#granted this is probably a fan translation so I should not ask for too much#obviously not all fan translations are bad#a notable case is eugene woodsbury's (hope i remember it correctly) translations of the 12k novels which read like professional works#and like. i think in english they use that kind of sentence structure a lot#but in this case it just doesn't work for me honestly#hey. a translation thought. how rare#also like. orv is a korean novel and not japanese but that sentence structure probably exists in both language
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one of my favorite things about pride and prejudice is that in the last third of the book Elizabeth’s internal monologue about Darcy is her admitting that she’s in love with him but also putting all sorts of qualifications around that statement that kind of ...tamp down the level of emotion (the “feelings, if not as tender as Jane’s for Bingley, at least as just” line, even the whole thing about her and Darcy being well-matched objectively speaking) and as soon as she’s engaged you get the unbridled joy in the narrative about her own joy, cc: “I am happier even than Jane; she only smiles, I laugh.”
#pride and prejudice#jane austen#this is very obvious but it's in the narration itself#that she's trying to sort of distance herself from the depths of her own feelings in case this DOESN'T work out#i also think the rational stuff is totally true and she would say that after as well but she would say it in a different way#idk i just love it. it's so subtle and it's so true#also very obvious?? i feel like i'm making a very obvious point#but anyway 'elizabeth's feelings soon rising to playfulness etc. etc.'#also this is why i hated the end of a civil contract actually#i felt like she was tamping it all down and for some reason it just made me SO mad#like no. it's supposed to OVERFLOW NOW#adam being like 'and in the end the rational choice was jenny' sir i will FIGHT YOU IN THE PARKING LOT#idk i was student teaching and very emotional at the time maybe i missed something and read it wrong#but my entire spirit REBELED#like. how honestly DARE#i'm avoiding grading can you tell#yes you can I will go now
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People findinging out that antisemitism does, in fact, victimize people
#jumblr#jewish politics#antisemitism tw#nothing is more instantly frustrating than the 'jews just want to victimize themselves!' thing#yes actually. bigotry victimizes people. that's why it's called bigotry#honestly this is just me venting about this because i see this way too much#it's even more confusing how much i see it from 'leftists'. you sound worse than my conservative family#it's less that leftism is a set of principles to some but rather that it is an ego-boost i think#it's the aethetic of being a Good Moral Person without any of the work#you won't have to make any uncomfortable reckonings with your own pitfalls#you don't need to worry about what Actual Inclusion looks like because that's not the appeal of leftism#the appeal of leftism is how it props you up#i think in this case this is less a horseshoe theory moment rather it's just that people just...#don't care about the principles they say they have adopted because aethetics are a very attractive set of values#and the people who are hurt most by this is everyone else. it's the jews who won't make a stop in entire cities because they are unsafe#also to make this emphatically clear: antisemitism victimizes people (primarily jews)#this does NOT mean that i am saying someone is like... essentially a victim or they are Cursed or whatever else#recognizing that someone can be victimizes doesn't mean that someone is by character/nature a victim
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I don't know what I love more, the fact that as rook you can make a statement in NO uncertain terms that you are NOT responsible one way or the other for the theological implications of the shit you're discovering in the 'regrets of the dread wolf' memories. not my jurisdiction. quite simply none of my business. not my chantry circus not my chantry monkeys. irrelevant to the matter at hand here we'll kill that god if we get to him he can get in line. or if the best thing about it is seeing the lone little 'lucanis approves' that pops up right after choosing it. corvid with a knife about to commit deicide keeping it real and sensibly, pragmatically, wilfully agnostic with me here in this magical lighthouse today
#we do not see it. we cannot read all of a sudden.#rye having war flashbacks to watcher conferences and firmly going 'we are *not* getting derailed by the metaphysics here folks'#rare stern moderator/dad hat moment from ingellvar lol. he's Seen Some Shit in his time (debates that raged over the multiple#and not always concurrent life times of the participants involved. ain't no academic rivalry like watcher academic rivalry#because watcher academic rivalry doesn't stop even when everyone involved is dead. and the rest of us have to live with it)#I. do not think the way I'm getting this quest is how it's meant to be experienced so I'm a bit at a loss as to how to pace it out#I've been an annoying little completionist so I have ALL the statues and could just marathon it out#but that does not feel like the best way for the story and upcoming reveals to work. hm. how to do this#I'm supposed to go fail to save weisshaupt right around now I can't be having study group with all of you rn as much of a delight as it is#rye is nominally an andrastian as mainstream nevarrans generally are but as I gather is the case with many of the watchers#what he *actually* believes in is the grand necropolis itself haha#(and the philosophy of history memory death and relationship (as well as responsibility) between the past and the present#and indeed the future that it represents. we have a duty. to what has been to what is and to what will come after us. good shit)#the nevarran/mortalitasi element just makes their lack of care or respect for chantry orthodoxy *mwha* that extra bit special#the nevarran lack of concern bordering on quiet condescending disdain for official chantry doctrine and policy my beloved#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#poor harding really is living through the most relentless 'if this is the maker testing my faith he sure be testing me' gauntlet of all tim#good news: god might be real! bad news: god might not even be a real thing but more like a magical accident or vibration or something#honestly tho. if we could get full lovecraftian incomprehensible to human conception the maker -- He is a particle and a wave style --#that's the only way I'd be cool with him or them actually answering the question of his existence. that'd be kind of sick#'yes. but no. but maybe. depends on how you define god. and exist. and he. and does.' *ingellvar sets of the METAPHYSICS!! klaxon#that's a time out folks good game but easy on the jargon and navel-gazing definition of terms next round#rye and lucanis have some slightly differing views about at what exact stage of a problem murder becomes a valid solution#('well you just kill them and then I'm the one who has to deal with the next much longer part')#but they're surprisingly kind of vibing on a lot of other stuff lol. good for them <3#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar
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as someone who doesn't even personally use audiobooks, i will die on the hill that they count as real reading. and i'm willing to kill on this hill too
#i personally think it's super ableist to say it doesn't count as reading#and it's also ableist to say it only counts IF you have a disability that make reading physical books impossible#especially bc the latter opens up the perfect shit storm of forcing people to have to disclose their disability(ies) in order to#not he harassed by assholes#and honestly why do people get some fucking judgemental about how someone consumed a book?#it's the same exact story my guy. same words. same world. same characters. get over yourself#also in case it comes into question: i don't read via audiobooks bc they just don't personally work for me#i have a hard time retaining information that's been given verbally#text post
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#just saw a post that was like 'if you have religious or moral objections that stop you from providing certain types of medical care maybe#you shouldn't work in healthcare' (paraphrased) and...#what a way to look at the world tbh#like. they're talking about me i think - i am a conscientious objector when it comes to euthanasia#(which granted has come up exactly twice and both cases in a theoretical capacity only this is not a frequent request to me)#and... i am also a good doctor#last week i told someone that her weight doesn't matter to her health with receipts to prove it and she cried#no one had ever told her that before#and that was something that came from me specifically. that was something i would not trust all of the GPs in my practice - a practice of#excellent and compassionate GPs! - to say#i am verifiably doing good in my job that is coming from specifically who i am as a person#i cannot put that down when it comes to issues i care deeply about#fundamentally the fact that i cannot put it down is what makes me a good doctor#i think that's what i'm trying to get at#the reason that i do well by my patients is that i practice out of my values and my ethics#if i did not stand on that core i would not stand at all#so you can't have it both ways. you can't have engaged and active and compassionate healthcare providers without sometimes those engaged an#active providers having things they do not feel comfortable doing#and it is to everyone's service if they are up front about it and do not try to hide (i am suspicious of people who try to hide this)#i am literally figuring this all out as i type hence the v long tag ramble and also being nowhere near the post that started this train#(honestly in med school we talked so much about ethics as like. abortion! euthanasia! trans rights! and the ethics in practice is the littl#things. do you apologise when you mess up. how do you manage a consult with your patient with paranoid dementia and her child in the same#room at one time - or one by one bc that's fraught too. (that one's on top i had one of those today.) how do you act with grace when#you're a bit stressed and your patient is a bit stressed and the nurse wants to add five more things to your book. the day to day ethics is#SUCH a bigger thing when you come to actual practice.)#this is obviously entirely about me and leans on the fact that i largely do think i am doing a good job i am really feeling my own way#to a Thought. but i think to a certain extent it is generalisable
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oh i dont know if i should be laughing or mortified at the fact that we may have just had a fictive show up but then very quickly disbelieve himself out of existence??? hello?????
#on the one hand that is potentially an entire person that might have willed himself out of existence#which is the kind of twilight zone shit that we usually put raster (oc) through#but on the other hand that would mean that the complete list of things he did would be as follows:#- have his first thought be 'why do i feel... edgy...'#- freak out about being another fictive while briefly pausing to be grateful that he isn't infinite#- joke about how disbelieving oneself out of being a fictive isn't how anything works#- boot up srb2 to affirm his identity#- realize that this means he now shares a body with tails#- get so incredulous about it that he ceases to exist#which once you get past the existential horror is kibd of hilarious#like even if he did cease to be his own distinct entity that doesn't mean that everything he was/would have been disappeared#that would just means he fused back into whichever member he almost split off from#honestly the best case scenario is that it was actually me the whole time and i was just having a weird moment#so im just gonna hope it was that#j.txt#sys talk
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Honestly though, this (what Ashe is pointing out) is exactly why I don't think GW could possibly end well. There's no "talking it over" after all the bloodshed (especially bloodshed started by them, and especially bloodshed started by them that didn't have to happen).
The way the narration leaves it "open" too at the end of GW just comes across as "it failed". It feels like... a kind of pointless story?
And I know some people might think that since Dimitri personally isn't as deeply affected by losing Matthias and so might be willing, that's still no good if his people and closest allies aren't. Rodrigue and Sylvain wouldn't be so forgiving, and I do think Dimitri would follow suit because that's his father (Rodrigue)'s closest friend and one of his own closest friends' father.
Add that to the fact that they have Sreng to deal with still (and I imagine sooner or Sylvain would figure out that Leicester had a hand in provoking Sreng to attack Faerghus) on top of losing Matthias and I imagine all the stress and aggravation wouldn't bode well for Leicester as far as Claude's thinking of things working out goes.
I just really can't see where GW goes afterward that would be "good" or works in Claude's favor at all. Maybe that was the intention and it was meant to be a route with a completely tragic ending, but apparently there are players who think it would end well and whatnot and I just can't see that happening (both from Faerghus' end and from Adrestia's end, the latter of which Claude discussed within GW itself).
If their intention was for a totally tragic ending, like yeah, I can see that... but as always the writing muddies the waters to make it sound good while something bad is happening. It keeps trying to have a positive spin on bad things as if they're just afraid to commit to a fully bad ending.
#DCB Three Hopes Run#also to be specific the reason I just call Rodrigue his father outright is bc he refers to him as a “second father” in Houses#but I'm not gonna literally write “his second father” every time I mention it and honestly “adoptive father” doesn't work for me either#bc him being an adoptive sort of parent doesn't make the fact that he /is/ a parent to him any less valid#like a parent is a parent and I don't feel the need to point that out and the feeling is mutual between them#if Rodrigue is literally calling him ''my boy'' it's a pretty cut and dry parent/child relationship#obviously I'm using Houses context in this case but it's still accurate in Hopes#and I just can't see losing Matthias going over smoothly at all and things getting better with time#I mean Matthias is such a major player in Faerghus and so important that I just can't see them being like#well it was only /one/ important bigwig who died. like no it was one important bigwig saving a whole lot of lives#who is also very intelligent and has a deep say in politics. that's ofc not counting#as Ashe says here in AM in reference to Adrestia that they've killed so much on both sides bc of the war#that he can't imagine just sitting and talking now. just because we as players only saw one named character die#and just because that character wasn't a playable character nor a returning character we already knew and loved#doesn't mean hundreds if not thousands more didn't die in Leicester's invasion#like Ashe says here I just don't see how both sides could sit and talk after all that#esp since Sylvain would prob be involved and uh... Sylvain is... a very emotional and angry person#and extremely vengeful (and they rly leaned into that side of him in Hopes in all routes)#I canNOT imagine talks with him involved not getting heated and aggressive#and he'd /have/ to be there bc he's the Margrave now in GW. if they want to have important talks like that#they need all their major players which like even if Felix say wasn't there#Rodrigue has basically equal authority as Felix bc Rodrigue has the respect of experience and has proven himself#so they could be swapped out for talks and Felix being the ''official'' Duke wouldn't affect talks in the least#if Rodrigue was/had to be present instead. with Sylvain you've either got no other options#or you've got Miklan who I can't imagine would want to even get involved with all of that#both bc of his mixed feelings on Matthias but also bc he's been out of the political atmosphere for so long#so yeah I uh... can't... see talks ever going well unless Claude legitimately makes amends somehow#or Houses Claude gets in there smacks him around and fixes some shit before heading back to his own verse lol
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I used to think the whole "Human Order is putting you on trial for summoning too many Extra Class Servants" was dumb but...I mean if you work a bit with that and consider Extras are by and large NOT intended to be summoned normally, least of all to a Master, I can see it.
Although, I'd contend that in *most* cases, that should be the opposite of a red flag for Alaya - if Guda is able to keep a vessel of an Outer God under control? Or hell, an Avenger that explicitly hates all of humanity? that'd be a good thing, right? Like that is seriously the kind of person you want on your side, someone keeping world-ending threats in check.
Now, on the flip side of that, you have a Master who can let in a Servant whose whole being is to deceive the world itself, when Humanity is normally what defines a Heroic Spirit's very existence? And that Servant ALSO had a raging hateboner for the Human Order? Hm, then I can see that being a red flag...
Also the idea that we're in trouble with Alaya specifically because of Oberon is funny. He caused problems for us and hasn't stopped causing us problems. Silly little problems moth, whom I love. He should create more drama because it's enrichment for him.
#don't mind me just#i know canonically he doesn't do much but just kind of be there#and honestly that is for the best probably#but also hey i think he should cause more problems on purpose#he's my silly little guy and i want him to cause chaos#i still think there should have been extra stipulations to the pretender class#cause it actively goes against how servants work#which isn't necessarily bad because oberon WAS a unique case#the problem lies in ruining it less than a year into inventing a new class for him
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Like everyone else I think about standalone city of mist comic a normal amount, but when thinking about other possible mediums the only filmed format I think could consistently work is something like NightMare Time.
youtube
I would pay blood to see a case like Amnesia Town or The Unwanted Guest adapted like this, the series does a very good job at conveying a similarly dramatic tone as the comics and visually it does remind me of a lot of the live play shows I've seen for city of mist already.
YOu'd maybe need to exclude the. Musical numbers but I'm sure there can be a reason for them to stay as well
#honestly horror and noir are such close genres in my head. the horrors will get you but are the horrors something or is it just the mob#maybe its both.#with city of mist it technically. doesn't have to be scary but you are trapped with the story and you are trapped with yourself#how do you not end up getting all fucked up about it#to be noted is that the two seasons of nightmare time were made like. 2020 to 2022#they do have plans for a third season of stories but iirc they're planning to film them like how they did working boys#uhh the only other like. premade case I can think of in regards to nightmare time adaption is leviathan's sorrow?#the series often dives into really pulp fiction-y territory as is and I also think the Sunken City pregen can be just like professor hidgen#doctor olivia vs professor hidgens who's winning the death match#idk just the idea of writing out something for city of mist in like. nigthmare time format is such an insane idea#i might just throw those fuckers *in* hatchetfield. sorry flicker your getting called a chemist#city of mist#hatchetfield#im just including the hatchetfield tag cause part of me is tempted to one day do a hatchetfield campaign with com#and i think some of you fuckers over there would really like com#you should check out city of mist its so so insane#Youtube
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You are literally putting the comfort of THEORETICAL PEOPLE above the lives of real disabled people who are facing these issues.
So, the thing is that addicts are both real & disabled, & who's triggers should be taken into account. You obviously can't give everyone accommodations at the same time since different people require different things, but if someone is recovering & cannot be around alcohol for example, you would try to take that into account when possible because you want to treat them with respect.
Nobody is doing this? You're arguing points that you're making up
So, again, this isn't a strawman argument, & I'm not making people up to defend. It's not a hypothetical. I have met these people in real life. I've been asked politely if I could make these accommodations & I agreed to it because I know how triggers work & know how much being triggered sucks. Saying "your trigger is your problem only so don't expect people to care" is just showing how little you actually care about other disabled people. Try being nicer.
you're advocating for sacrificing the lives, health, and dignity of real disabled people for the comfort of thereotical people
I literally never said that & would love if you could quote where I said that directly.
Again, I'm a real disabled person who has been in the real situation I just described. If you're in a situation where you will die unless you take your medication immediately at your desk, there are other options besides you leaving or triggering someone. You can ask them to leave for their health. Let them know when you take your meds so they can leave at that time.
it isn't hard to come up with solutions to this problem. It isn't Them VS Us. There are no sides here, just disabled people in bad situations not getting the proper accommodations. You acting like it is Them VS Us only tells me how little you actually care about fixing this issue. You only want to complain about the people you view as The Enemy. You only care about Them VS Us.
And something tells me you're not actually concerned at all about the mental health of addicts. Something tells me that you just don't want to have to see a "yucky disabled person" existing in public in a way that offends your delicate sensibilities.
you are literally so fucking pathetic if this is what you got out of "here is a problem we should think of solutions to." what exactly is telling you this? stop going into stuff like this in the worst faith possible. it makes you look like a piece of shit
Things that should be normalized:
Taking meds in public
Going out to eat by yourself
Not having your drivers license
Asking about allergies when eating out
Things that should NOT be normalized:
Watching loud videos in public without earbuds istg stop it its so annoying I don't want to hear some Minecraft dude screaming while I'm trying to eat my pancakes in peace
#me: hey i have actual real life experience in this. here are my opinions on how it works irl because i lived it#this fuck: actually you just think disabled people are gross. i know this because god himself told me. i am so intelligent#man maybe next time instead of taking things so out of context & personally just like. ask? for clarification if you're confused??#it's not hard. you have my username. you literally @ed me to call me names#next time just DM me or @ me in the comments to ask questions#it's obvious you're just trying to gotcha me & it's honestly really fucking pathetic. not to mention ableist#because yes. disabled people can be ableist. shocker right#okay for more context on my ''experience'' i went to alt school#basically it's school for kids who's lives have been fucked in some way. a lot of addicts#i also went to AA briefly (not an addict myself). i DO have experience in this SPECIFICALLY#i also know that problem solving is something you NEED to think about#it's NOT an option. you cant just say ''my thing is more important than yours fuck off''#you have to actually look at the problem & solve it#this is basic adulting shit dude like it isn't problematic it isn't ableist this is just how the real world works#i've been doing this since i was a teenager how is a full ass adult not understanding#not blocking in case this is just some random one off outburst but if they try shit again i'm not engaging further#nah nvm they're vagueing lol i think they're just a teenager who doesn't know the internet wasn't actually made for arguing#if you can't have a mature conversation about this i'm exiting the conversation
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My boss said nobody is working tomorrow so she asked if I can come in anyway like 😭 I'm gonna die fr 😭
#not snz#this is my ranch hand job btw#she said gm can cover the early morning but there's nobody there the rest of the day#and the babies all have to eat and get looked over so I'm gonna have to 😭#biggest fear is that the super creepy dude shows up bc he comes unannounced#like working there while feeling bad is already shitty but I'll actually freak if that guy shows up#like he scares all the women there but with me specifically they're like he can't be alone with me under any circumstances#he hasn't done anything but he makes weird comments and asks kinda uncomfortable questions#nothing to warrant not letting him come back but enough to put everyone on edge and keep a close eye on him#he's asked me like the most invasive questions and won't let them go even when i say i don't wanna talk about it#and he usually comes sundays so I'm ✨ afraid ✨#can't even ask any of my friends to come for a bit to help out just in case bc I'm still fucking gross 😭#just gotta hope he doesn't show up and also that my reflexes will still be sharp enough to survive the animals 😭#hopefully that's muscle memory at this point ahskaksml#like I'm tired and don't feel great but i worked after my very first covid vax and honestly that's the worst i can remember feeling#fever damn near 102 nauseous as hell splitting headache#rn it's like bad allergies with a slight fever which sucks and is making me miserable but at least it ain't that lmao#idk i told her I'll go in if she really can't get anyone else there but there were two last minute call offs not including me so#we'll see tomorrow i guess 😔
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