#but in terms of the sheer amount that they themselves joke about it to this day; the way everyone else talks about it;

[heisttheblackflag]

I said it before and I’ll say it again: speedarms is the mavin of pr1

[amywritesthings]

silver underground. / chapter 19.

( Read on AO3 )

Pairing: levi ackerman x f!reader (attack on titan / shingeki no kyojin) Word Count: 5.3k Summary: flashback nine - also known as the calm before the expedition Warnings: mentions of death, anxiety, mentions of betrayal, unhealthy coping mechanisms, fighting, sexual themes

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CHAPTER 18 - FLASHBACK: NINE

Nights turn into years.

The Scouts, to your surprise, take you in as their own. 

They don’t question the nature of your connection with Captain Levi.

They don’t even ask about your time in the Underground City. 

All they’re curious about is the now — the living, present air that surrounds you; the sun that's finally giving your skin a healthy glow; the comradery that’s kept this group alive longer than any of the Interior betting pools imagined.

Together.

That isn’t to say living with the Scout Regiment has been a breeze.

The surface is almost just as tough as living in the Underground but with more light. Fighting titans is difficult and all-around terrifying, but the Special Operations unit is an otherworldly beast fit to take them on. 

At the lead of Commander Erwin and the collaboration between Levi and yourself following close behind, there are more victories in bringing people back to their families than catastrophic losses in numbers.

In terms of discovery, however, the Scouts are lacking in their mission to find anything substantial:

The villages still crawl with titans.

Breaching the forest in order to continue forward proves to be a point of no return Erwin can’t figure out by strategy alone.

The injured trek back to the Walls is always humbling. Over and over, you’re expected to deliver new information to the desperate — and oftentimes ungrateful — people behind the Walls. 

They berate you in the streets, throwing food rations and calling you and the other good-for-nothing Scouts crude names.

You’re taught early to ignore it.

(You aren’t willing to explain to Petra and the others that you and Levi have dealt with much worse at much younger ages.)

Anyone with the Wings of Freedom quickly becomes a communal punching bag, but at least no one dies.

Maybe the runts of the litter get eaten — maybe the cocky ones perish, the reckless ones break their necks, the terrified ones kill themselves — but at least no one you know dies.

(You’re okay with not discovering what’s beyond the forest, if it means none of the Special Operations squad dies.)

It isn’t long before you’re introduced to someone who becomes a constant in your life:

Hange Zoe, Section Commander — Levi’s first friend in the Survey Corps.

And, as it stands, they seem pretty hellbent on becoming yours, too.

Hange is a wild-haired, glasses-wearing individual that prides themself on their extensive titan knowledge.

Just like Levi, they stumbled head-first into your life and never left. 

They appears one foggy afternoon a few months into your Scout Regiment career. Their first day to headquarters was a memorable one.

You never anticipated the sheer amount of words that could come out of one person’s mouth. One lengthy monologue after the next, Hange caught you up to speed on the titan research program — whether you cared or not.

The Special Operations team was more than happy to trap you with Hange at the mess room table for hours so that they could be spared.

(According to Gunther, enduring their rants is just considered Special Ops hazing.)

Jokes on them: you were happy to listen, because Hange reminds you so much of Isabel.

It’s bittersweet, sharing meals and traveling with someone just as excited about the world as your young friend had been. They marvel at the little things that surround them, their smile as joyous and free as the late redhead that you once shared a cramped Underground City bedroom with.

Hange acts as though they’d known you their entire life.

They treat you as if you’d always been a friend, a very good friend, and you don’t shy from kindness the way Levi does. 

Levi, on the other hand, acts like a malevolent cat in their presence, but Hange takes it in stride.

You know Levi well enough to know it’s all an act — Hange is just as much his favorite within the Scouts as they are yours.

You’re not one to believe in fate, but many a night staying up talking to Hange about a future they see feels like your life, this strange life, was meant to be. 

That, through the comradery of the Scouts, you can learn to trust again, to laugh again, to reinvent yourself again — and not hang onto Levi’s every movement like his shadow.

You create your own space within the Special Operations squad; one where you are praised for your quick thinking, ODM maneuvering, and fearlessness in battle. 

You grow your own friendships. 

Hardships.

Inside jokes.

Celebrations. 

Bonds forged by strength and by trauma.

(Your own shadow.)

“Oi, where’s Levi?”

You had been busy reading reports in your former bunk room, now morphed and redecorated into your Lieutenant’s quarters.

It’d been a few hours since the last short-term mission ended — you had nearly gotten your ass handed to you by an eight-meter titan with a particularly animated body. Where most titans walk slowly, aimlessly, this one had a frenzied mission. A desire to run.

According to Hange, they're calling them Abnormals.

They’re a new type of nightmare that only keep showing up more and more every trip outside the Walls.

“Hello, earth to James,” Hange sing-songs as they wander in.

You glance up, distracted.

“Hmm? Where’s Levi?” you repeat. “I don’t know, why?”

“Because you two always have a sixth sense on where the other is,” Hange reasons, flopping down in the chair across from you. “It’s freaky.”

“The person who talks to titans is calling me freaky?” you ask with a smirk playing on your lips.

“That’s when you know it’s the truth,” they reply, not skipping a beat. “What is that whole thing about, anyway?”

“What?”

“Sorry, let me rephrase. I never asked: Levi came into the Scouts, right? In all his grumpy glory. Then two months later, you joined us.”

You squint as a response to Hange’s presented puzzle.

“That guy is a hard nut to crack. You must have some kind of special sauce to get him to trust you so fast. Unless…”

The others still don’t know.

Well, they know — they know Levi is incredibly protective of you.

They know you look to his guidance before anyone else.

They know the two of you often disappear to spar.

(Surely they must know where you are almost every night but are too afraid to speak up. It doesn't hinder Scouting missions in the morning.)

“We knew each other before the Scouts,” you finally confess, and Hange’s eyes blow wide with the validation.

“I knew it,” they tell you, snapping their fingers. “The Underground City, right?”

You nod, folding the map in two. “Kids that grow up there stick together.”

The shift in Hange’s expression is almost comical, bordering on conspiratorial.

“Ah-ha. So you two have been fighting alongside one another for a long time. This puts my theory of a weird cranial connection to bed. It’s just childhood friendship.”

You have to try not to smirk. “Yup, just that. No conspiracies needed.”

“Well, that’s one mystery down.” They gesture to their bare neck with their index finger. “I’m still trying to figure out the deal with that, though.”

“Huh?”

“You know, the deal.” They lean over the table to blatantly point at the silver necklace peeking out of your button-down ivory shirt, its pendant sitting against your sternum. “With. That.”

Right.

The necklace you never took off. The necklace you care for with a delicate touch. The necklace that you sleep in, bathe in, fight in.

“It’s just a necklace.”

“Sure.” Their glasses slide down the bridge of their nose. “Just a necklace.”

You laugh, turning your report face down on the table. “Sounds like you don’t believe me.”

“I don’t.” Hange smirks. “I’m supposed to be observant, remember? Well, I have deduced in my observations—”

“Ooh, a deduction,” you tease.

“—that it has importance. So what gives? Does that have something to do with a certain someone?”

Too close to him. 

You roll your eyes, sliding your hands from the table’s surface to lean back in the wooden chair.

“How come you wanna know about it so bad, then, if it’s just a necklace?”

“I said it isn’t just—”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, now you’re twisting my words.”

“And you’re about to lose your glasses,” you tell them, and they push the center up their nose in short defiance. “What’s the reason you’re so interested all of a sudden?”

Hange groans in the pale torch light, sliding down into their seat in dramatized agony. “Be-cause I saw a titan almost snap that thing in half and you went totally berserk.”

“So?”

“So! I saw how fast you sliced that thing up!” Hange chuckles. “Like you had a personal vendetta against the damn thing. That was supposed to be my new test subject, y’know.”

You chuckle low, burying your chin in the mouth of the emerald green cape around your shoulders. Under the fabric you hold the tiny gemstone, running it between your fingers with admiration.

“Titans should learn not to touch my shit, then.”

“Hey, shitheads.”

The deep voice makes you sit taller, lips parted with a greeting that never quite comes to fruition. 

Hange stays hunched over the table as Levi steps into the room. His hand grips tightly around the circumference of a steaming tea cup.

“Hey, Levi,” Hange greets in return. “James was just telling me all about how you two knew each other before the Scouts.”

Levi shoots you a look, and your brow quirks. Nothing too big. His shoulders relax a fraction of an inch.

“Did you tell Four Eyes how I used to always win at spars?” He drops down in a seat at the table, draping his arm over the back.

“I would never lie to poor Hange like that.”

“It wouldn’t be a lie.”

“Would, too.” You gesture to Hange. “Section Commander, would you believe me if I said he won every fight?”

Hange squints. “I’d have to observe for myself.”

Levi smirks, his lips covered by the tea cup. 

You groan, leaning over the table to plead your case. “Hange, you’re supposed to say yes.”

“Not without proper evidence!” Hange refutes.

You scoff. “Some friend you are.” 

“See, Levi? She said I’m a friend,” Hange adds, pointing to you. They lean back. “One day you’re going to say the same thing.”

Levi snorts. “Sure, when I’m shitting myself dead.”

Hange squints at the raven-haired man. “Why is it always shit jokes with—”

“James.”

It’s neither Hange or Levi that says your name.

You turn to see Eld standing at the doorway of the kitchen.

He seems… uncertain of how to approach your bedroom despite how the door is already open for wandering company. 

He shifts in his stance, clearing his throat.

“Commander Erwin wanted to speak with you,” Eld informs you, eyes flickering over your face. 

The smile you have from your conversation with Hange begins to slowly fall. 

“Something up?” Hange asks.

Eld ignores them, staring at you instead.

You turn your chin to Levi, but the captain doesn’t react. He continues sipping his tea in silence.

“Now?” you ask.

“Now,” he confirms.

You catch Hange’s eyes before pushing the chair out. “Alright, fine.”

It isn’t like Erwin to summon people, much less you. If he has something to say, he usually does so by seeking out the person in question himself. 

Sending Eld only means that he may be discussing matters with the rest of the Levi Squad on an individualized basis.

Maybe it’s to debrief from the short mission a few hours ago.

Maybe he’s looking for counsel on the strategy map you’d been pouring over before Hange and Levi swung by.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t leave you with a great feeling in your gut.

Up the stairs and down a narrow corridor sits Erwin Smith’s office. He has the door slightly ajar, the room illuminated solely by half-lit candles. 

You knock your knuckles against the wooden slab.

“Commander?”

Erwin is sitting at his desk with pages of letters, diagrams, and what you presume to be Hange’s crude drawings of the titans they had captured three months prior. His dark emerald trench coat hangs loosely from the chair’s back.

His piercing blue eyes lift, staring straight at you.

“Come in, Lieutenant.”

You were never a fan when he called you that.

Lieutenant — it was a fake title to keep the masses from ever questioning your spot on the Special Operations squad, same with Levi. 

Citizens never questioned it. Military Police, however, were never a fan.

Yet when Erwin said it, it always followed with something you wouldn’t enjoy hearing. Like you were being chastised for something before you knew the crime you’d committed.

“Is something the matter?”

“Not explicitly, no,” Erwin tells you, dropping his gaze to his papers briefly before glancing back up. “Close the door, please.”

Great.

Something was wrong.

You roll your eyes, closing the door. Your back stays pressed against it, arms crossed over your chest.

Maybe Levi became close with Erwin throughout the years, acting as his right-hand man through the thick of battle, but you had no interest in crowding his flank.

You didn’t like the method to Commander Erwin’s madness. It often went to great lengths at the cost of others; casualties be damned so long as the mission was successful.

You’re certain that’s why the public hates all of you.

Erwin, however, does not cater to the public’s opinion of himself, not when he can keep pushing towards the forest no one can quite yet conquer.

“I need you to be honest with me, Lieutenant,” he sighs, pushing his papers to the side.

You quirk a brow, staying put against the door. “I didn’t eat the rest of the potatoes, if that’s what you’re about to accuse me of.”

The blonde smirks, albeit briefly. “No, it has nothing to do with food rations.”

For a moment, the two of you stare each other down. You clench your jaw and neutralize your expression as he tries to decipher you well before the inquiry is asked. 

It’s a game of mental chess.

You won’t give him the satis—

“Lieutenant, what is your connection to Captain Levi?”

You pause. 

This question sounds like a layered spring trap — step too close with a simple answer and Erwin has the potential to drown your words in assumptions and claims.

Your heart beats a little faster. 

“You already know my connection to Captain Levi, sir.”

“You don’t need to sir me,” Erwin says, like the casual coolness of the statement will somehow ease the tension cinching your shoulder blades together. “And I never heard it from you, not directly.”

“Because you stuck my face in some mud and talked over me the day you made me think my business partners were dead,” you reply with little tact.

Erwin can’t help but smile at the snip. It’s annoying how he takes everything in stride.

“Yes. I didn’t give you much choice to explain yourself then, so I will ask you now.”

He locks eyes, and you can’t escape.

“What is he to you?”

Everything stills.

You don’t like where this is headed.

Although you spent plenty of nights in Levi’s bedroom, sometimes even switching it up to linger in yours, you both had been so careful to keep the relationship out of sight and out of mind.

You clench your jaw tighter. “Levi Ackerman is my former business partner, just the same as Isobel Magnolia and Furlan Church.”

“And?”

“And?” your brows knit. “And he is… a friend. Family.”

“A very close friend,” he surmises with a thick brow raised in question. “One you would move mountains to protect, yes? Even if you could not be beside him?”

The implications of his words instantly make you distrust the Commander’s intentions with this conversation.

While you feel close with the Scouts within the Special Ops squad, there is no mistake to be made: only one name rings true as your top priority.

And it isn’t Erwin. It isn’t Hange. It isn’t Petra, or Oluo, or Eld, or Gunther.

Fear grips your heart. 

Like a cornered animal, you speak out of turn.

“Are you implying you have a plan to split us up?”

To move you to another squad.  

It’s the first idea that pops into your panicked brain.

A captain and a lieutenant on one team didn’t really ring fair — not when you could lead up your own squad.

You don’t want to.

“Is that what this is? To gauge whether or not I’d be willing to transfer? To finally move me to some other squad so I can lead alongside Levi Squad?”

“No.”

“Because if the intent of this question on whether or not I would hurt someone that would try to separate us, Commander, then you are sorely mistaken to think that I would be alright with—”

“James,” Erwin coos, voice deceiving soft when he lifts a palm. “I have no intentions to separate or reorganize Levi Squad.”

You realize what you just blurted. 

What you’ve revealed.

You gave him all of your cards, tossing them clear to the desk in front of you.

Fuck.

You close your mouth, afraid you’ve done something horrible wrong.

Erwin gives no sign of winning the upper hand in his expression. He does, however, keep his brow gentle.

“Something new came to my attention while you were on your mission,” he tells you with purpose in an effort to calm the tension in the room. “An opportunity to navigate the forest in full with the potential to eliminate the predicted death rate. Eighty percent to forty. Slashed in half.”

You stare, choosing your next words very carefully.

“The forest is untouchable.”

“It is.”

“The last strategy didn’t work.”

“I know, Lieutenant.” He leans back in his chair. “It’s a risky mission. One that requires the best Scouts I have at my disposal. I believe, if we use my new formation, then we can pierce through the forest and find our way on the other side.”

You try to connect the dots eons away from one another. 

If Erwin wanted to give you a job, then why didn’t he just say it?

“...you know I’m willing to go, Commander,” you tell him, brows knit.

“I know you would be,” he replies, “but Captain Levi is not willing to take that risk.”

Your blood runs cold.

What?

Your chin juts abruptly to the left, head tilting as you try to process what he’s saying between the lines.

He knew you would say yes to the risky mission. You’re happy to take the risky missions.

But Captain Levi…

“What does Levi have to do with this?” you ask before you can help yourself.

“Levi came up with the strategy to breach the forest in conjunction with my formation, but he requested that I not allow you to join us.”

Erwin rests his palms against his ribcage, lacing his fingers together. He sighs through his nose, contemplating. 

“You see, now, why I wanted to know what your relations were to him.”

That ice-cold stream in your veins quickly shifts to molten.

He went behind your back?

“Levi wouldn’t do that,” you murmur, but you're not certain when you speak.

(Because it wouldn’t be the first time, you realize; deep in your gut.)

“He did,” Erwin corrects. “He has. An hour ago, to be exact.”

While you were talking to Hange?

“I’m good for the mission, Erwin,” you tell him, using his first name despite how you feel about familiarity with him.

“I know you are, James,” he replies with less formality. “And I’m willing to bypass Levi’s wishes if you want to join us on the expedition beyond the forest.”

Your mouth dries up.

Everything feels… nauseating.

There is a betrayal festering in your belly, one you cannot ignore in front of Erwin.

You have to go.

You have to find Levi.

“Permission to be excused?” you abruptly request. “I think I need to speak with Captain Levi myself, but rest assured I am going on that expedition.”

“Excused, Lieutenant,” he signs off, staying seated.

You never rip open a door so fast in your life.

Your boots echo down the corridor, face hot with embarrassment and worry.

Why would he tell Erwin not to let you go?

Why would he do that behind your back?

You round the corner, headed straight for his bedroom. When your hand jiggles the knob, it’s locked shut.

Then you continue further down the hall to the next room on the opposite end.

Your room.

Levi continues to sip tea slowly at your table, reading over the map you had folded up with mild interest. 

Hange is nowhere to be found. 

Good. It’s easier if they’re gone.

“Ackerman.”

The abruptness of his last name has him as still as a statue.

Only his gray eyes flicker up past the cup, pausing in his sip. Your lip curls as you force the words out of your mouth.

“We’re sparring.”

Levi sets his tea up on the tiny saucer below. “Excuse me?”

“I said we’re going outside and fucking sparring, Captain,” you snarl. “Let’s go.”

Because you can’t yell at him.

Not here, not when there’s a possible audience in the echoing hallways.

You hear the wooden chair scrape across the floor, and slow boots step out into the hallway with you. You don’t look back. 

Down the stairs, around the foyer, and out of the headquarter entrance you go — with every step, the more upset you get.

“This night has gotten dramatic,” he calls to you once he reaches the mouth of the sparring ring. “What did Erwin have to say?”

You turn on the heel of your boot, remaining silent.

You want him to say it first. To confess.

(You want him to prove that Erwin is lying.)

He doesn’t.

He just waits, infuriatingly patient.

“You know what Erwin had to say,” you seethe. “How could you?”

He blinks twice, inhaling slowly through his nose.

Then, he shrugs off his uniform jacket and hangs it by a nearby tree branch. He rolls up his sleeves to his elbows.

“I need you to make sure Hange doesn’t get eaten by their next test subject," he flatly explains.

“Oh, so we lie to each other now?” you ask. In a cascade of pops to your left hand, you crack your knuckles.

“James—”

Too late.

You throw the first punch, and he dodges it easily. His gaze hardens.

“Sloppy,” he comments.

Hurting Levi isn't your goal, but you don't know what else to do with this rage. This is the only way you can properly express the uncertainty festering in your belly.

Levi gets that.

He doesn't judge that.

To quell your budding panic attack, he'll easily deflect your advancements and tire you out.

(He's the only one. He's always been the only one.)

“You have some fucking nerve," you bite, nostrils flaring. "You wanna know what he asked me before he told me about your little forest plan?”

You kick him, and it happens to land.

You’re fairly certain he gave you a freebie.

His brow quirks, so you continue.

“Erwin asked me what we were.”

That seems to pause his defense, though he easily pushes away your next punch.

“And?”

“I told him we fuck.” The whites of Levi’s eyes grow. “Every single night under everyone’s noses — on every surface of his precious little headquarters —”

“You didn’t.”

“Yeah, asshole, I didn’t. I’m lying. Kind of like you lied right to my face.”

“I didn’t lie to you about the plan.” Levi throws a half-hearted punch for good measure. You deflect. "Can't lie if I didn't tell you about it."

“Shut — up.” You snap, throwing another hard hook at him.

Like lightning, he deflects. When he grabs your wrist, you struggle to rip your arm out of his grip. Levi drags you into his chest, keeping you trapped against him, the air heavy between you.

Panting through your nose, you work through your fury and hurt by staring him down.

“I’m going.”

His eyes narrow. “No.”

“What the fuck has you so scared, Levi?” you beg, and he falters for a moment. “We promised we’d be at each other’s sides, so what gives?”

Levi considers your words, searching your face. He keeps the mask up, not allowing you in — which hurts.

“You saw one today, right?” he murmurs, low and dangerous. “An Abnormal.”

The creature's wild, deranged grin still lingers in your mind’s eyes. How it ran at you on all fours, unlike any titan you’ve ever seen before. It was terrifying, but you don’t have to tell him that.

He's seen them, too.

“According to our intel, that place is crawling with Abnormals. The forest floor is a suicide pit. That’s why we can’t push on.”

“So?”

“So?” His brows knit. “If we push in, then that means they may run the other way. They may sense we have a titan held captive here. I need you to stay with Hange and Moblit while they experiment on that freak to make sure they’re safe.”

Deja Vu hits you.

“I’m going,” you robotically repeat as you work through why this feels so familiar.

“You’re not, I — did you not just listen to me, shithead?”

“I’m going,” you repeat once more, convincing yourself more than him.

Levi eases up on your wrist, panting.

"This is a waste of time.”

He pushes you away and turns a heel, heading back towards headquarters.

“Hey," you murmur.

The abrupt jolt of violence is what you need to wake up: to realize you’ve had this conversation before.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!” you shout after him.

He doesn’t look back.

A humorless laugh leaves your mouth before you launch into your final plea.

“You’re always so quick to walk the fuck away.”

That gets him to stop.

His eyes, wide with his own budding fury, stare back at you, so you continue to speak. 

“The second you think my life is in danger, you shut me out. It's textbook Levi. You stop thinking of me as a viable teammate and more like someone you should babysit.”

Levi’s nostrils flare. “James.”

“No, you listen to me, you piece of shit,” you angrily snap. “You sidelined me back in the Underground City on our last job, and look what happened. It failed. We lost everything. You got taken to the Scouts. Isabel and Furlan died.”

“Stop.”

“Countless times you’ve chosen Eld and Gunther to join you on camp watch when we’re beyond the Walls. You’ve never once asked me to take the hard watches.”

“I was avoiding the look of favoritism,” he growls, gritting his teeth.

You keep going with a small, humorless laugh. “Oh, I see right fucking through you, Levi Ackerman. The countless times you’ve put me with Petra or Oluo? With Hange and Moblit? What’s the excuse you always, always, use?”

He turns his cheek, but you push your hand against his face to turn him back to you.

“Protection, that’s right. I have to protect people. I always have to fucking protect everyone while you play martyr. Humanity’s Strongest, right?”

His eyes turn to slivers of anger. “Don’t.”

“That’s what they’re calling you behind the Walls," you mock. "Captain Levi, Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, always willing to do the hard shit. You don’t give a damn that I’m worried sick over not having your back. It's only about your fears, never mine. Now you’re escalating it to, what, forbidding me to go on missions with you, too?”

“You fought an Abnormal for the first time today,” he quickly argues back, under his breath to keep control of his volume. “What did you say in your report? An eight-meter titan almost got you? You were lucky to escape, right?”

You can’t help but scowl. “Yes, but—”

“But, what?" he challenges with a hiss. "You wanna go back out to the den where they all shit together? Was one not enough for you today?”

“That’s what Scouts do, Levi,” you argue, rounding him as he starts to walk away again. You walk backwards, keeping in time with his steps. “We know the risks.”

“You’re not going.”

“You don’t have a fucking say in that.”

“I do.”

“Levi, no you don’t. You don’t own me,” you seethe. “Why do you think you can just order me around to sit back and watch you fight these things without me? Why don’t you trust me to fight beside you for once? Why—”

“Because if I lose you this time, then that’s it!”

He shouts, unlike himself. The volume surprises you as much as it does him.

You freeze, eyes growing wide and mirroring his own.

The echoes bounce off the trees, rustling the wind.

“I lost you when we were kids,” he confesses with a slight crack to his voice, exhausted. “I lost you when the job went wrong — James, please, I love you so goddamn much and I will lose my fucking mind if something happens to you.”

Your expression unravels, softening in his broken plea for absolution.

“Yeah, I leave you out and I am sorry if that hurts your feelings, but if I don’t have you to come home to — then what the fuck is this for?”

He is out of breath, as if a giant weight has lifted.

The emotion is far too much for him to handle.

He’s grasping at straws to hold him steady.

“Nothing will happen to me.” You see a flicker of grief pass over his stern face. “Levi, I’m not going anywhere. Hey…”

You near him, pulling his face towards you by cradling his head in your palms.

He closes his eyes, breathing sharply through his nostrils as he tries not to relax into the moment.

“You don’t know that,” he protests under his breath. “The forest is dangerous.”

“But if I have you watching my every move, how could we lose? Fighting right by your side and never leaving it,” you remind him, running a thumb gently along his cheekbone. “Remember when I promised you I wouldn’t die on you?” 

He scoffs, but you duck your chin to meet his eyes.

“Y’know, the first night you…”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” he interrupts.

You can’t help but smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, shithead, of course I do," he deflates, opening his gray eyes to study you. A light shade of pink peppers his cheeks. "Not exactly a night I could forget."

You continue caressing his cheek, knowing how much it can soothe him.

He fights it, but ultimately he relents.

Releases.

"I won't die on you," you repeat, firmer this time.

"I know," he exhales. "Because if you died on me, I’d drag your ass out of wherever shitty afterlife they stick you in and bring you back myself.”

You believe him.

For a moment you both stand here in the dark, coming down from the adrenaline.

After a minute passes, you speak softer.

"We'll clear the forest."

"I know."

"And we'll be able to return to the Walls with the first update in years."

"I know."

“And then when you're done meeting with the Commander, I’ll be waiting in your bed—”

Levi’s eyes snap open from the outwardly bold suggestion. “James—”

“—with a dozen apologies in a dozen different positions—”

He presses a hand over your mouth to muffle the other dirty things you want to say before they turn into giggles.

He kisses the back of his hand and shakes his head.

“You’re a fucking nightmare.”

Eventually he lets go, and you press a chaste kiss to his lips.

“I mean it. We’ll come home.”

A moment passes, but Levi eventually pulls your forehead to rest against his.

“Yeah. Right home.”

.

Author's Notes:

CHECK OUT THIS AMAZING FLASHBACK ART THAT @ariessential CREATED! I have it saved to my desktop so I can admire it while I'm writing. I'm obsessed.

Happy holidays to those who are celebrating this weekend! Next chapter is the final flashback. I am sure you all know where this is headed, so all aboard the pain train. Your reblogs, comments, and engagement with this story keeps this engine going. Thank you, thank you.

deleted scene 02. :: an alternate version, aka the first draft, of that forest moment in chapter nine.

[sparklecritique]

Hello, actual aegosexual person here, to give a bit of insight on my specific opinions on the jokes regarding Uni, and compare them to my experiences in real life.

A few things to say right off the bat-- I don't identify with the label "aegosexual" (I much prefer "asexual", as it requires much less explanation and gets across what I am anyways), but I do fit the definition of aegosexual. I won't get into what I am attracted to, as that's a major tmi and this is not the place for it (plus I know some criticism blogs are minors and I am NOT taking any chances), but I will express my views regarding actual intimacy. Finally, I do NOT speak for all aegosexual people, that is not my intention. I speak for only myself.

I am a sex-repulsed asexual, full stop. The idea of seeing anything or actually experiencing anything makes my stomach turn. I find myself straight-up walking out of movies if something goes even a little beyond PG-13, and take great pains to avoid ever seeing anything like that. This does not extend to fiction (art, writing), but anything "real" is met with the highest amount of disgust on my part. I have no intention of ever doing anything, ever.

Still, there are jokes. I get fictional crushes, which become a point of "poking fun" at me in my friend group (always harmless fun, mind you). They use terms like "top" and "dom" and other things for me because of my interactions with them. They joke about me doing things that I would never actually do. But, they are just that-- jokes. If they ever say something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I tell them to stop, and they do. If their own jokes between themselves ever go too far and they notice I am uncomfortable, they stop for my sake. Though they all have a very crass nature, there's a full distinction between what is real and what is not. That is to say, they would never cross my boundaries.

All this to say that Uni doesn't really feel aegosexual to me-- at least, not to my experience. The jokes about her having sex with others and being horny are... fine, I guess, but-- to put it this way-- there doesn't feel like a difference between Carrie and Uni. To me, they both feel like they have some sort of amount of sexual attraction towards others. The only difference I can tell is that Carrie is actively stated to be promiscuous-- otherwise, there's fundamentally no difference that I can tell.

Aces can enjoy sex-- I heartily disagree with anyone who says otherwise-- but there's a difference between being able to enjoy sex and actively seeking it out. And with the sheer amount of sex jokes regarding Uni in this fandom and the comic itself, it doesn't feel like Uni's ace-ness is being paid attention to at any capacity whatsoever. It just feels like they treat her like any other allosexual character and then scream "SOME ACES HAVE SEX!!1!11!!!" when anyone dares to be even a little bit uncomfortable by how she's presented.

Thank you for the opportunity to speak, I am sorry for the essay in your inbox.

--Faerie Anon

Don´t worry Faerie Anon. I believe your points are valid.

[septembersghost]

As our Austin and Andrew girl, why do you think Austin has been treated badly for Elvis when I don't remember Andrew getting that criticism for tick tick boom?

i understand why you draw the parallel, both of them are such talented, empathetic actors, both of them really dedicated themselves to those roles, but it's still very apples and oranges, in the end there are a lot of reasons. ttb is a beautiful film, while it doesn't bear the burden of being as grand in scale, nor about someone world famous. i wouldn't expect the average, non-broadway aficionado, audience to know who jonathan was, but most people at the very least have an image of elvis, if not a litany of stereotypes to also go with it. ttb is a musical in the truest sense of the term, and not a biopic, really - it's part autobiographical, but jonathan was telling a story through his writing too. andrew and austin both took various lessons to prepare and sang (amazingly!), but austin had a far more overwhelming mountain to climb there because of who he was playing. the fact that he surpassed that expectation is astonishing. baz and other creatives who worked on elvis have said a true biopic was not their goal (that the word itself was even verboten on set), and i'd actually hesitate to categorize it as one in some ways, i think it somewhat simplifies what the film is and its purpose, but the...stigma? that goes along with that was attached to it anyway. what's particularly odd is this seems to only accompany biopics of musicians - will's oscar last year was literally for a sports biopic? anyway -

in their unique ways and approaches to their crafts, andrew immersed himself in jonathan, austin immersed himself in elvis, but only one of those comes with both an icon and a joke connotation in pop culture. austin also, to most people, seemingly came out of nowhere, whereas andrew is already established, so people saw this "kid" (he is 31! but i've seen him referred to in this way a lot) playing this unthinkably famous man (trying to comprehend his level of fame and the sheer amount of stuff - true, false, idolizing, spurious, out there - is too much to wrap my mind around, in awed and heartbreaking ways) and were making a lot of judgments and preconceptions. there was that snide, ridiculous attitude towards austin's voice (andrew had to drop his own accent and speak like jonathan! but the judgment here stems particularly from the baggage surrounding elvis' "southern drawl"), there seemed to be this idea that he was too genuine and therefore ~cringey~ (or so genuine, in fact, that it must've been disingenuous! make it make sense), and that the level of care he took and felt was weird/extra. almost all of this has to do, ultimately, with the way elvis himself is perceived, despite the film doing its utmost to dispel that and reach for his humanity. *we* know that, but the overriding noise of social media and the press cycle was starkly different for a long list of reasons.

jonathan's sister speaking about ttb and andrew, and how true and moving his performance is, giving some measure of her brother back to her, being like seeing his light and life again, makes me think so strongly of lisa marie and her response and pride in elvis and the way austin captured the heart and soul of her father - both of which are the most important responses and amongst the greatest gifts those films provided. they were both crafted with respect, reverence, and love.

they should feel nothing but proud of their extraordinary performances and the films they made, which truly touched people and introduced them to other music and art they might not have experienced. the press fades, and what remains is the work. what also remains is who they've proven themselves to be as human beings. i love that both of them are such passionate, introspective humans and provide such insight, into their art but also their perspectives. andrew is well-regarded for a reason. austin, this entire awards season, established himself with graciousness and humility and kindness, and that impacted a lot of people (not only fans, but those across the entire industry, including other, more famous, actors, which is why we saw so many of them take him under their wings or gravitate towards him, and he mentioned himself how much that newfound camaraderie meant to him). his next project will shift the narrative and hopefully no one will focus on the superfluous things. what will stick is the compassion and the meaning of what was created.

[anotherghoul666]

🤭 Do you have a favorite tag to use when posting your fics?

💔 Have any of your fics broken your heart? Bonus: what about someone else's? I'm always in the market for a fic that'll make me cry lol

✅ What's something that appears over and over again in your fics even if you don't mean for it to?

🤩 Who's your favorite character to write?

🧠 (for Rain please)

💞 Who's your comfort character?

🎶 (I know you don't listen to anything while writing, but I'm curious about a song you've had on loop :D)

Thank you so much Fruits!! :D :D I appreciate you taking the time to leave these!

🤭 Do you have a favorite tag to use when posting your fics? I tag what's in the fic as accurately as possible in terms of kinks, sex acts, story types, and potential triggers so people can avoid what they need to. I do like to tag something funny or descriptive to put a bit of personality in my fic's description, tags like "I'm still here to hurt Dew what can I say" or "Dewdrop thinks he's the dom. He's not." XD So potential readers can get a taste for what's inside and my sense of humor :)

💔 Have any of your fics broken your heart? Bonus: what about someone else's? I'm always in the market for a fic that'll make me cry lol Well the one angsty hurtful fic I wrote is Loosened Heart. It didn't break my heart so much as it was super cathartic to write. Like purging an abscess. If I think about it, in my life, I don't think I've ever written a piece that made me cry or broke my heart while I wrote it. I'd need some months of distance with a fic to be able to "live" it and get the emotions from it I intended for the reader to have. I need detachment and a pair of fresh eyes, not my author eyes. As far as a fic rec for something that made me cry, the first one that came to mind is Butterfly Garden by @youhaveahomeinmyheart. If you haven't read this one yet Fruits? Be ready with a box of tissues. I was in PAIN. It DESTROYED ME and I LOVED IT.

✅ What's something that appears over and over again in your fics even if you don't mean for it to? Power dynamics. Though I 100% mean for that to appear. It's the foundation of my work. Playing with power and exchanges and switches is my thing. My sense of humor apparently is a constant in every fic and it gets noticed xD I didn't think so many people were here for my sarcasm and silly jokes, but I'm happy to see it! Lore. Massive amounts of lore that are almost never a part of the outline, but my brain needs an explanation for smut to happen. I'm not one of those authors that can just open on sex or kink already started. I wish I could, I'd write a lot quicker with that skill XD But I guess I'm just too demisexual for that, my characters need *reasons* to play and/or fuck, and that means, for example, 4k words of lore before Aether and Ifrit get together in my current fic xD Is it necessary? Probably not. Do I have a ton of fun writing it? You bet! hahaha I also very much like to describe the first time characters do something. New experiences. Discoveries. Of a kink, of sensations, of themselves, of each other. Doesn't matter, but the element of discovery and experimentation is a common thing I like to write for. Surprise, mental processes, evaluations, "oh. Oh." moments. I love those a ton. If yall pick out shared elements in my writing, let me know! I'm interested to hear it!

🤩 Who's your favorite character to write? It's Dew. It's gotta be Dew. This feral gremlin. Riddled with issues and insecurities. The walking contradiction he is. The abrasive personality as a defense mechanism. The absolute sweetness and care under it all he wouldn't be caught dead showing explicitly. The yearning for attention, for being wanted, the yearning for pain and horrible horrible things to happen to him, the desperation. The impulsivity, the rejection sensitivity, the hypervigilence, the sheer ADHD I write this guy with (I project neurodivergence on some of my characters in various ways, I specifically code Dew with ADHD traits for my ND readers to pick up on). The bad decisions. The self destructive inclinations. The unbearable love he has for his pack and his Papa. The privilege he feels for being a part of this gang of weirdos he constantly torments. He is so layered. So nuanced. So much fun. He flows out of me like the clearest sparkling river from a mountaintop, he's so easy to write. Absolutely painless of a subject, so I may put him through pain as a reward. I adore him and I can't wait to get back to him honestly. Second fav is Swiss. He also flows and writes very easily.

🧠 Pick a character, and I’ll tell you my favorite headcanon for them (for Rain please) Rain is a fucking cryptid my guy, I'm still trying to figure him out even after having written him so much XD Rain very much Does Not Flow and it Not Easy to write. But, there are still a few headcanons I have solidly embedded in my version of our favorite water ghoul. Namely, similarly to how I just mentionned I project ADHD on Dew, I project my own autism on Rain a lot. Rain has hypersensitivity, he has sensory processing difficulties, but he is also a sensory seeker, just, with very specific senses. He is primarily a tactile sensory seeker, he stims on textures a lot. Because the texture is nice and it makes him feel good, or as a response to a stresser, to help him process his emotions and get out of the flood of anxiety, keep focused. He stims by running his fingers on his clothes, his sleeves, his environment, the furniture, his bass a whole lot, his hair, etc. Another key trait I project on him is, Rain learns by imitation. He mirrors people. He mirrors personalities, matches energies, his mask is a reflection of who is in front of him, until he feels safe and comfortable enough to unmask (which he'd mostly do around his pack, in private). He needs to see someone do a thing first to feel like it's normal enough of a thing to do, and then he can do it. He seeks permission to do or say or think things by seeking someone else who does the same. Even if he wants to do something, if he's the only one, he won't do it. He'll assume it's too weird. But if someone else does it first, he'll follow. Enthusiastically. Maybe over-enthusiastically sometimes. You see it on stage the most, when he follows Dew around and imitates his stomps for example, but when he's by himself he's calm and he won't move too much. He can't move by himself, what if he looks weird?; but if Dew's headbagning like a mad man, he can headbang too. Permission seeker. He's the same when he speaks. He'll keep his sentences short and to the point, unless someone asks him a question, opens a door, or otherwise gives him space. He'll then info dump and/or overshare like there's no tomorrow. Because he doesn't know when someone's gonna let him talk next. So he has to get the flood out now.

💞 Who's your comfort character? The entirety of current era Ghost dude. They all bring such a sense of safety and joy to me. I couldn't name just one.

🎶 (I know you don't listen to anything while writing, but I'm curious about a song you've had on loop :D) Just, overall? OK, well, Imma take the space to talk about music for a bit. 1) The Death of Peace Of Mind album by Bad Omens has been on repeat in my ears for about 10 days now. Stellar album from start to finish. It's a damn shame I got on the Bad Omens train on January 1st 2023 cause if I'd listened to that album like, a week before, it would have been on my top albums of 2022 list. Easily in the top 5. Excellent album. Every single song is like it's out of a different genre. These guys are flawless at every music genre they touch. Classic metalcore, heavy deathcore, vibe songs, ambient, synthwave, emo early 2000s music, industrial, goth, trap. It's Atreyu meets Linkin Park meets Bullet for my Valentine meets Post Malone meets The Weeknd meets Whitechapel meets Nine Inch Nails meets Rob Zombie, The Album. You name it, they can do it. And the album as a whole still manages to be coherent and have a throughline??! Masterminds I say. Bucketlist band to see live in 2023. I need it. 2) SLEEP TOKEN. DUDEE. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. SLEEP FUCKING TOKEN. I slept (haha, get it) on these guys and I hate myself for just finding them now. And by now I mean today. This morning. I heard they released two new tracks last week back to back and they've been making waves in the metal world, so I checked them out. I. FELL IN LOVE. SO FAST. I'm actually still kinda reeling from how obsessed I am with these two songs. Chokehold if you're into less of a heavy vibe, The Summoning for the heavier track. Yo. Fucking. THE LAST MINUTE AND A HALF OF THE SUMMONING. I want to fuck this song. This is some of the absolute sexiest metal I've ever heard. I want to eat these songs, I want to comsume them, I want to melt into them, I want them to enter my molecules and become a part of the biologic material that is my body. I cannot wait for this album to come out. If the rest of it sounds anything like these two songs, I might call album of the year right there.

[wandererhills]

I am still utterly flabbergasted at the sheer amount of people who seem unable to understand the fact that "everyone who knows about the game is playing the game" is not in any way, shape or form, something that can be meaningfully true or enforceable, and that a world in which declining to engage in a fake social ritual are met with angry comments to stay in line is neither the world we have to live in, nor the world we should live in.

Like I personally do not mind the game because I don't encounter often and the version I am the most familiar with has as one of its implicit rules that you have to say people they "lost" at the most unexpected moment, usually in a party setting, which turns it (to me) into an actually funny Intentionally Annoying Thing, same way the scoobypost is intentionally annoying and funny.

But the knowledge that people apparently... take this shit seriously??? And see the game as an Actual Game with rules that must be enforced, or worse, with rules that enforce themselves no matter what because of some psychological mumbo-jumbo that is in no way connected to anyone's lived experience??? It's fucking absurd.

The game is an in-joke, and the term for a joke that you force people to engage with even tho they don't want to is "unfunny prank" at best and "bullying" at worst. That is all there is to it.

no interpretation of the game's rules actually matter. the game is at least somewhat flexible in implementation. while the annoyance is definitely 99% played up, it's not completely faked. everyone who actively participates in the game is kinda annoyed by it. it's a parasite. it's just that said annoyance is very much outweighed by the "i'm participating in a social ritual! cool!" impulse, and people thinking that their experiences are universal.

nobody really likes the game. its an optimized meme package that tickles the neurotypical social brain just right to keep indiscriminately spreading. anything else is rationalization, i'd think. you're immune to the social brain tickling but its clearly and unfortunately taken up enough of time and space in your "understand how this thing works" impulse to be able to spread itself to your followers.

the "you have lost the game" is clever window dressing, because the real goal of the game is to tell other people about it. so uh. congrats. you have won the game.

one, if my inbox is to be believed, some people sincerely enjoy The Game for what it is. I have no reason to assume they'd be lying to me about that.

two, here on out anyone else who insists that I really AM playing The Game is getting blocked on sight and I'm not joking

[astaroth1357]

The Demon Brothers got Hexed and now They're Babies. Good Luck, MC!

Lucifer

Both adorable and bossy at the same time.

If he wants something it has to be NOW or he'll fuss incessantly.

Attempts to order his brothers around still like they're his minions, but since none of them can form words very well it's just him assertively speaking near-gibberish in their general direction.

Unsurprisingly, his “orders” get completely ignored by everybody for once in his life, including his caretaker. Gets very frustrated when not listened to and will throw a mini-tantrum but will tire out very quickly and just take a nap wherever he's at.

Likes to try and boss MC around the most but it’s pretty easy to cave because he gets so dang giddy when someone finally does what he wants. Smiling baby Lucifer has to be one of the most precious sights in all the Devildom.

If you don’t think Diavolo is going to take it upon himself to act like his big brother through this whole thing, you’re wrong. The dude is loving this and will play with Luci all day if someone doesn’t step in to stop him.

After everyone is better he will demand that any and all pictures/videos of him get chucked into the sea. They won't be but, hey, he tried.

Mammon

Is there really any difference? 😆

Jokes aside, he's one of the clingest of the bunch and has to be held for a little bit every hour or else he gets grouchy.

Keeps putting shiny things in his onesie and ends up dragging them along behind him wherever he goes.

Pretty much will not share anything that's he's taken a liking to, be it toys, food, or people. The MC especially. He will try to physically drag his brothers away from what’s his if it comes down to it.

He's somehow everybody's favorite playmate and seems to know it too. If one of his brothers gets sad then he'll be right over to comfort them into playing again.

He's the only one who can wake up baby Luci from his naps without him getting too grouchy.

He's gonna sell a pretty penny on all the pics of his adorable little self. He also stole most of the footage of baby Lucifer playing with Diavolo to do the same. Hope the Grimm will be worth it when he finds out 💀

Leviathan 

Cries. So. Damn. Fast.

One of those skittish kids that scares pretty easily and doesn't feel very comfortable around new people. Will be clinging onto somebody at all times and standing behind the MC’s legs is a favorite hiding spot.

Oddly fascinated by toilets and seeing how much he can flush down them. If it fits in the bowl, it ain't safe. Someone keep an eye on Henry…

Absolutely loves bathtime. Few things on this planet can claim to be happier than a little Levi buried under some soap suds. His grin could power the Devildom AND Las Vegas with some left to spare.

His tail is juuust starting to grow. He bawled his eyes out for hours once when Belphie "accidentally" yanked it (the little shit…)

Mammon is lowkey his emotional support friend.

Will likely be mortified later by the sheer amount of his own figurines he tried teething on. Thankfully, he was usually stopped before causing lasting damage.

Satan

Lil'brat #1

Is he the sort of kid who will push buttons just to see the reaction? The answer is yes, yes he is.

Does he throw the most ungodly temper tantrums ever known to demon kind for seemingly no reason at all? Yes. Yes he does.

Is he probably the reason that manners aren't just enforced, but fucking inventing? Absolutely.

Will he quiet the fuck down the second someone shows him a cat; real, picture, or otherwise? Oh yes. Right away.

More or less best dealt with by giving him a tablet with cat videos. He’ll settle right in and coo at the screen for hours. Otherwise, their father have mercy on your patience (and breakables).

Will apologize for all the trouble he caused when the hex wears off… (but he remembers all of it and fucking relishes that he got the chance to be That. Nasty. with no long-term consequences. Good times…)

Asmodeus

That one kid who doesn't get the concept of stranger danger at all.

Super adorable and friendly but prone to wandering off and trying to make friends with anything that moves.

That includes bugs, Henry 2.0, Diavolo, Barbatos, the angels, Solomon, that guy down the street, his hungry looking hellhound… Any time he makes a new “friend” he has to excitedly show them to the MC like they’re his new favorite thing ever.

Basically the reason those leashed toddler backpacks were invented.

Can be easily distracted by his own reflection in a mirror. He'll watch himself in rapt suspense for way longer than he really should.

He and Mammon fight over shiny things. While Mammon just stockpiles them, Asmo will try to wear them as hats.

Is going to be incredibly pissed if there's not at least an entire album's worth of pictures of his little baby self when he returns to normal. It's a one-in-a-lifetime Devilgram opportunity here!

Beelzebub 

Will eat anything. Literally. Anything.

You think having practically no teeth will stop him? He has the jaw strength of a crocodile!

Can't be left alone in nearly any capacity because he will try a bite of whatever he gets his hands on. Tables, cushions, chairs, toys, remotes, nothing is safe...

Teething toys are a must for him, but he's going to go through a lot of them pretty quickly. Open up your wallet, MC, before he takes a bite out of that too.

Eats far too fast for his own good and gets food everywhere. It's best just to feed him without clothes on then hose him down afterward.

If he's not eating (or trying to eat) something then he's looking for cuddles. About the only thing that he doesn’t try taking a bite out of is MC, though it might be best to keep him fed so we don’t have to test that.

Doesn’t mind the photos, but might be a little disappointed that he doesn't remember tasting the couch… It always has reminded him of marshmallows...

Belphegor 

Is either the easiest child to deal with in the world or Lil'brat #2. There is no in-between.

One of those kids who will gladly put themselves to bed and sleep through a hurricane if left alone.

Is also lowkey pretty aware that this means there’s a lot less attention on him and he will cause mischief when bored.

Obsessed with "drawing" on walls. Mostly portraits(?) of either himself or Beel, but occasionally one looks like the MC. Wherever he keeps finding the markers is a complete mystery.

Will also instigate fights with his brothers. Takes Mammon's favorite toys, throws Satan's tablet, pulls Levi's tail, etc. Tries to look like all cute afterward but he knows what he did and so does everybody else, the stinker. 😖

Nap buddies with Lucifer and they can often be found sharing his, now oversized, cow-pillow together.

Afterwards, he'll enjoy hearing the stories of his reign of terror but also kind of misses having that great excuse to nap all day.

[abbynx]

Being Sorlato’s child + Being babysat by La squadra

A/N: Soooo, this is a direct sequel from the one-shot “Encounter” if you haven’t read it yet, feel free to browse it here 

Genre: Fluff, platonic, wholesome headcanons

- After the encounter, the couple found themselves thinking about it all the time, how different they acted to a child at the face of danger, and how afraid they were and how quick they were to act upon instinct and save you. There was certainly something the couple felt in their chest they can’t fathom but somehow liked the pleasant feeling. 

- One time Sorbet was found lounging around the La Squadra headquarters with a pamphlet regarding parenting whilst waiting for the meeting. When asked why he was reading that he nonchalantly replies that the thing was lying around and decided to read it because, “Why not?” One knows not to question him any further, so they let him be. 

- Gelato was found longingly staring at parents with their kids on the playground whilst on a mission and again, no one dared to speak a word of it. He didn’t leave even if the mission was over, until Sorbet was called in and had to physically drag him away. 

- They both knew it was getting out of hand because all they can think of now was wanting to raise a child of their own but they knew their circumstance were the least ideal to put a child in. For crying out loud, they kill people for a living and they didn’t really want to subject a child into this mess of their’s. 

- “God, is this what baby fever feels like?” 

- The couple has discussed about this, over and over than they can recall. When Gelato would suddenly mention, “You know, if we were to have a son I think that you can teach him how to ride a bike. That’d be sweet to watch to be honest.” or Sorbet saying, “If we were to have a daughter, I get to threaten her boyfriend to bring her back home before dinner.” 

- Once again, they were out to go on their once a week date all to their selves and decided to go to the same restaurant they had to stop in to save the child. And on their way their, what are the odds, the aforementioned child coming up to them and greeting them. 

“Ciao signore Sorbet! Signore Gelato!” 

W-was this a sign??? 

 "Ahh, Y/N!" Gelato was practically enthusiastic, he can just pick you up, but of course, he has to bind himself down. 

 "Out in the middle of the night again, I see." Sorbet points out. 

 "Aheh, yes sir..." You sheepishly responded. "But I really have to do everything if I want to graduate elementary with high marks." 

 - After a brief chat, weather, school and whatnot, once again you went on with your merry little way. After that, it was back for longing and yearning for the couple. 

 - The rest of La Squadra noticed this, but didn't knew how to help; until Melone picked up on the signs the couple were exuding: Sorbet reading the parenting pamphlet, Gelato longingly gazing towards parents bonding with their children, the two of them talking away about 'If we were to have a child...'— why, Melone's diagnosis: Baby fever. 

 - Melone somehow came up with an elaborate scheme involving an orphanage, did a couple of research. Due to some... Fortunate moment, somehow, someway, the figure running the same orphanage you resided in has made quite the list of enemies all his years. 

 "Melone you know that you can just tell them it's okay for them to adopt the child, right???" Risotto looks up from the detailed, complex document sent in by Babyface's user. 

 - Yes, it was stupidly complicated and a lot of work compared to just simply signing papers and adopting the child. The paperwork would be, again, stupidly complicated, but at least it doesn't involve bloodshed. It's not like the couple shied away from shedding blood but that wasn't the point. 

 - Capo Risotto had to consider their circumstances to adopt a child. Like I said, the dilemma was killing them and simply can't act out of selfishness and adopt a child just because they wanted to, it wasn't the same as a adopting a pet.

 - Cue the four hour meeting with the couple, discussing about what they can do and what they cannot do. Risotto was most certainly happy for the two of them to be adopting a child of their own, taking care of them and along of those lines but again, the fact they are a part of a crime syndicate and there were a lot of things they discussed about. 

 - After that, everything was settled and got started with the process of adopting the child. They didn't have to chose, they already had their eyes set on a specific kid; Y/N L/N, age eleven, abandoned by their parents when they were born, who adores reading and loves (insert food) and— what? They've done their research!

 - The couple was just beyond elated!

 - Through the process of adopting you they learned you were six 

 - Now that fact was uncovered, they were now more concerned and pissed why the orphanage would neglect a first grader and let them return from school at eight in the evening. And the fact that they met you under the circumstance of danger, pretending to be the couple's kid in desperation. 

 - Needless to say, a lot of things are going to change in your life, especially at the aspect of your security. They are a part of those people you should fear at night, admittedly gelato has almost pulled a gun on you that fateful night out of sheer jealousy, and didn't even register the fact you were barely half Sorbet's height.

 - First and foremost, you won't be staying in school longer than six thirty, as the couple takes turn on picking you up. They understand and adore the fact you're a hardworking kid thriving to have a scholarship in college despite being a literal first grader, but being a little kid walking alone in the middle of an evening is frightfully concerning. And in those times wherein either sorbet or Gelato picks you up, they'd buy you treats you want but not enough to spoil your appetite for dinner. 

- You did not hesitate to address them the way you addressed them that one fateful night when they tucked you in your new room for the very first time.. Gelato cried after that and Sorbet had to hold him to his chest to clam him down. Ugh, you were so effortless at making the two of them so soft. 

 - They're underpaid, not broke, so the couple spoils you in an overwhelming rate, the entirety of La Squadra were beginning to get concerned. Proscuitto scolded the two that they might spoil you rotten, but they reassured them you weren't. 

 - Speaking of La Squadra, the couple considered them as their family. Sorbet and Gelato did not hesitate to introduce you to them not as La Squadra, but as your uncles.

 - All of them were touched that Sorbet and Gelato want them to be a part of their child's life, that one of them would often volunteer to watch over you if the two were away. The couple were not going to introduce you to them as assassins and took advantage of your gullible nature as a young child. they don't intend to hide it as a secret from you. Perhaps someday they'll tell you their line of career, but six was not the right age to do so. 

 - Which brings us to their circumstances, the fact that they're assassins and how it is not an ideal career for people who has an attachment outside of their jobs. They were extremely careful in terms of that, wanting to protect and prevent others from using you against the couple. Well, now there's now a fate worse than death if ever that happens. 

 - With new responsibilities, Risotto understood them and gave them less jobs in order to take care and watch over you. But there were times where the two were both absent, prompting one of La Squadra to babysit you.

- Melone, Formaggio and Proscuitto are top picks for babysitting duties! but, of course, there are disadvantages. Melone is... Melone. Formaggio can and will act as a kid rather than an adult. And Proscuitto, well, he can be a bit too domineering. So yes, they are A-tier babysitters, nonetheless. 

 - B-tier babysitters would be Illuso, Pesci, and Ghiaccio. Illuso can be a bit too dismissive, Pesci will be too anxious and overprotective-- like in an extreme rate, and Ghiaccio... Hide your copy of Merchant of Venice, and you'll live another day. 

 - S-tier would be Risotto, except the fact that he is always busy. He is good with kids and he can guarantee their safety, I mean, need I say more?

 - Under no circumstances, are they allowed to swear around you. The couple already had restricted their foul language around you, and they expect the others to do so as well. Ghiaccio is highkey sweating when you started saying bullshit whenever you're frustrated. He profusely begged you not to day that again in exchange for ice cream. 

“Bullshit!” Ghiaccio’s heart skipped a beat after hearing your small voice whisper-shout on the dinner table as you attempted to solve a rather difficult math problem. 

 - Your relationship with them was well. They were protective of you, love you and support you. They're very affectionate, but not in an overwhelming amount... Well, at least they try to hold back but all they want to do is to spend time with their baby and love them unconditionally, as they should. 

 - Padre Gelato is more of a fun dad, very playful and energetic. He likes lifting you up to his hip before gently nuzzling his nose against yours. Dad jokes subconsciously slips from his mouth, be careful. He does a lot of cool tricks with his butterfly knife, twirling the sharp blade around while you stare in awe, whilst Papa Sorbet was more concerned that he'll accidentally cut himself, or that you might try the trick unsupervised. Needless to say, Padre was responsible enough to keep his knife in his pocket at all times to prevent that. 

“When will you teach me how to do that, Papa?” 

“When your old enough, N/N.” 

 - Papa Sorbet is a bit more reserved, but certainly not distant. He will not hesitate to kill someone who tries to hurt you. So he's the perfect person to serve as your teacher, as he helps you with school work and help you learn other practical things: cooking, baking, doing laundry by hand (which product is more effective to get blood off clothes), self-defense, etc. 

“So if there’s a stranger following you, what do you do?”

“Cling to the nearest person I see and pretend that I know them?”

 - They both tuck you into bed after reading you a bed time story, though it only lasted until you were nine because you insisted you were already grown up (cue, Gelato hiding his face on Sorbet's chest because his baby is all grown up--), but some things don't change because by bed time, they just check up on you even if they won't tuck you in to sleep.

 - Extremely supportive and encouraging. Like, they're basically the gasoline you pour on fire to intensify the fire of your passion. Like, they'll cheer you on sport games and competitions, tries their best to attend recitals, etc, etc. Though sometimes one is missing due to missions, sometimes both, but in the end of the day, you were confident that they would have loved it. 

 - Unbeknownst to you, at the end of the competition, a certain figure will come behind you and lock you on a headlock before harshly rubbing their knuckle atop your head. Uncle Formaggio can be a mean sometimes. So yes, if ever the couple is absent from your competitions, one of your uncles would volunteer to go. 

“‘Sup, little sport?” 

“Uncle Formaggio, my hair--!”

 - The first time you celebrated your birthday with your new parents was your seventh. They wanted to throw a goshdarn ball, but you insisted to keep the party amongst yourself. Just you, your papa and padre, and your  seven weird uncles. You were already a big family, and you were happy with that.

[idontblushsrry]

SFW Alphabet-Hiei

Word Count: 2125 

A/N: Warning in advance, i’m in a fluffy mood and I want there to be more yyh fanfics so i’ll be writing some for the next few days. I’ll try and sprinkle in some other content but for now, it is what it is. Also I changed some of the prompt options so there’s that. Also I’m going to be posting content for more obscure/dead/forgotten fandoms in general so if you have any ideas lmk!

A: Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Hiei isn’t super affectionate in the traditional sense. Like if you want a boyfriend who’ll hold your hand and kiss your cheek and what not, Hiei is not that person at all. His affection is moreso bickering, especially in public, he’ll act like you’re such a nuisance but like he’s still looking out for you. In private, he’s a bit more affectionate. He really does trust you with his life, he’s just a little emotionally repressed so he shows his affection by sleeping and truly relaxing around you. In his most vulnerable moments, he’ll lay his head in your lap and let you rub his hair while he falls asleep.

B: Best Friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

The closest thing we see to Hiei having a best friend is Kurama and maybe Yusuke. As a best friend Hiei is very blunt, he shows his care for you by being upfront, it can honestly come off as a little callous but if you know him well (which you should as his best friend) you know that he means well, he just wants to protect his pride while still showing he cares about you. Your friendship probably starts after one of you saves the other.

C: Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Hiei likes cuddles but he absolutely refuses to ask for them. He doesn’t like to be too close at first and will initially only hold your hand when he knows for sure that you’re asleep. Eventually though, he gets more comfortable with you and your relationship and allows you to hold him even when you’re awake.

D: Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Hiei and domestic don’t really go together in the same sentence. His version of domesticity is protecting each other and then coming home and being near each other. He doesn’t want to settle down in the traditional “human” sense but he does like the idea of having somewhere permanent to come back to with you. He isn’t the best at cooking but he will try his best to help clean, he often uses his speed to get them done faster, all the while teasing you at how slow you’re going. Like okay buddy, you’re doing what I want anyways so who’s really losing?

E: Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

If you and Hiei ever broke up, he’d be silently devastated. It took a lot out of him to open up to you and the fact that you were able to leave that (at least for him) is devastating. If Hiei ever does get with another person, it’ll be long after you’ve both broken up and moved on.

F: Fiance(e) (How would they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Hiei has sort of already made a commitment to you by the time you’ve even entered your relationship, regardless of how long you’ve known each other, he entered the relationship because of how deep his connection with you is. He wouldn’t want to/care to get married by “human” standards, in his mind you’re already married/mated. Plus he couldn’t legally marry you because of the fact that he doesn’t have any governmental documentation.

G: Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Hiei isn’t emotionally gentle at all at least outwardly. He’s very grumpy to protect his pride and image but he’s secretly a big ol softie. He always keeps track of you with his Jagan and if you’re ever in danger, Hiei is never far. When it comes to your emotional needs, he tries his best, he usually just positions himself in the best spot to be there should you need anything from him.

H: Hugs( Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?

Hiei during the course of his relationship with you tries to become more and more affectionate with you, becoming more and more open with giving and receiving it. He ofc isn’t into PDA at all but he will reciprocate your hugs if you give. At the beginning of your relationship he just stands there awkwardly but later on in your relationship he’ll wrap his arms around you and awkwardly start to pat your back. His hugs are pretty awkward but the fact that he even lets you hold him means more than his awkwardness with affection.

I: I love you (How fast do they say the L-word)

Hiei thinks that the fact he “puts up with you” is evidence enough and that he shouldn’t have to say it. He maintains that until one day you just break and tell him you love him and would like to hear him say it back, he just blushes and turns mumbling out a rushed, ‘I love you too.’

J: Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous)

He gets jealous and also not jealous if that makes sense. Like he knows that no other could ever measure up to him and as such isn’t threatened by anyone even if they are flirting with you. But other times he sees you smiling with some stranger or laughing at a joke your co worker said and he wonders if maybe you’d be happier with someone better than him. 

K: Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Hiei’s kisses are rough and warm and passionate. He gives you kisses usually to just straight up fluster you, he loves the dreamy expression you get and the little wobble in your knees when he kisses with you and it fills him with a sense of pride to elicit such a reaction from you. 

L: Little ones (How are they around children)

Oh goodness. Please do not let Hiei loose around children unsupervised. He will just stare at them and watch as they get into whatever mischief they want and just still be staring at them. He’ll only intervene if they bother him or are in life-threatening danger.

M: Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

In the rare mornings that Hiei hasn’t completely disappeared after waking up earlier than you, he likes to just look at you. It’s a little odd but he likes to just bask in your presence, he enjoys being with you and it’s the second softest you’ll see him throughout the day.

N: Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Nights with Hiei are incredibly tender, you spend the night in each others arms and you’ll want for naught in terms of warmth. As a fire demon, Hiei tends to give off a lot more heat than most so if you get cold at night he’ll just move closer to you and let you put your cold hands and feet on him.

O: Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Hiei is a incredibly private and mysterious person. He reveals things about himself very slowly, most things are unsaid, revealed through his actions and reactions. 

P: Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Hiei is somewhat brash, impulsive, and grumpy which can lead to fights between the two of you. Given the fact that he is not at all patient, fights can get heated rather quickly. However, Hiei is also able to tell when he’s getting too worked up so he often ends up leaving mid-fight to walk away and cool down .

Q: Quizzes (How much would they remember about you?  Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He remembers the smallest things about you like the way you prefer to part your hair but fails at remembering things like your anniversary. Although, he is a telepath so in that aspect, he’s lucky. No, he doesn’t read your mind, he respects your privacy too much to do that, Botan on the other hand...

R: Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite moments in your relationship both occurred during the Dark Tournament:

1) Was when he passed out from using his Dark Dragon technique and woke up to see you asleep at his bedside. The fact that you were there for him and stood by his side at his most vulnerable it... it meant a lot.

2) Was when you all exited the stadium and in all your excitement you kissed him yelling “You guys did it!”, he was very much embarrassed afterwards but even now just thinking about how happy you were brings a smile to his face.

S: Security (How protective are they? How would they like to be protected?)

Hiei loves to play the role of a silent protector, please let him lol. Even if you can see or sense him, pretend you can’t for his sake, it makes him feel cool. As for how he likes to be protected, he fully expects you to be reliant on him for protection if you’re a non-fighter, and he’s ok w that but if you like protect him from someone who’s trying to attack from behind, he might just admit he’s in L-word with you.

T: Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Hiei admittedly doesn’t put effort into dates or anniversaries. It’s one of the biggest challenges in your relationship, how he’d rather keep his pride than make an effort to be with you. You end up planning most dates as Hiei is perfectly content for you both to just stare off into space in the middle of the countryside. He will go along with whatever plans you have though, and he’ll steal you anything you want. In fact, the only thing Hiei’s actually bought you was a sword, you assume it was very expensive based on the sheer quality and amount of detail but he never says where he got it from.

U: Ugly (What are some bad habits of theirs?)

A bad habit that Hiei has are his aforementioned pride. The man is stubborn and will maintain said stubbornness until proved wrong beyond deniability, at which point he’ll avert his eyes and apologize. Another bad habit he has is that he won’t tell you if he’s struggling until he’s in so much shit that not telling you would be a matter of life or death. Like he’ll be dictating his will to you randomly one day while you’re just mindin your business, it’s terrible. His pride and secretive nature tend to be the cause of your most serious disagreements.

V: Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s not concerned with his looks beyond the bare minimum. Hiei never really tries with his look whether it’s his clothes or general attitude/way he presents himself. He does keep clean of course, but in terms of fashion... he’ll wear whatever he’s got until it’s nothing more than rags.

W: Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Hiei never feels incomplete without you, he’s much too independent and self-reliant to ever feel incomplete because of one person even if that is you. However, he does feel different, considering the fact that you are 90% of his impulse control and kindness, he does find himself getting irritated and acting much more brashly whenever you aren’t around.

X: (E)xes (Any previous relationship experience. How does that factor into your current relationship?)

You are quite literally the only relationship he’s ever been in, coincidentally you are also one of four people he can consistently tolerate.

Y: Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner)

Hiei gets a bad taste in his mouth at people who lack honor and integrity. He thinks that above all, whether you live or die, you should do so with honor. As such, he dislikes traitors or sycophants or the like, he doesn’t care if you’re an ass, as long as you’re honest about it.

Z: Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Hiei in general doesn’t sleep regularly and when he does it isn’t really good, restful sleep. Maybe very once in a while, he’ll get a decent night’s rest with you but overall, the man sleeps when his body forces him to.Also like to think that he can sleep with his eyes open, or at least with his Jagan open if he isn’t completely depleted of energy.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Let’s talk about: RUN! BTS episode 125

by Admin 1 and Admin 2

So, episode 125 of RUN BTS aired yesterday and we thought it’d be fun to talk about it, share our favorite moments, things we noticed, and other miscellaneous things we thought would be nice to mention. The episode was filmed at their dorm and featured a special guest in form of Baek jong-won who is a famous Korean chef. The episode was special because of that, but also due to the fact that it was used to highlight Korean pork ham which uses the parts of pigs that usually don’t get chosen by restaurants and the average consumers, and also to honor Korean pig farmers in times of COVID.

The members were split into two teams, though Yoongi was missing in the episode which leads us to believe that the episode was likely filmed sometimes in December 2020 (as well as the fact that Tae had that pimple on his cheek which he also had in his birthday vlive). The teams—Tae, Jimin and Seokjin vs. Hoseok, Namjoon and JK—consisted of one person per team who knows what they are doing—Seokjin and JK—and two people with limited or a complete lack of knowledge in the kitchen. Each team was given a recipe they were supposed to cook using the aforementioned ham and that’s what they did, driving Chef Baek slightly crazy (but also making him seem endeared by Bangtan’s cluelessness and kind of lack of confidence within the kitchen) with their constant questions and requests for assistance.

Now that we have the general gist of the episode down, lets jump into the actual point of this post (it turned out quite long, if you don’t want to read the entire thing, perhaps at least read the last couple of paragraphs since they’re kind of important):

One thing that made both of us very, very happy was the fact that Tae was in an outstandingly good mood, cracking jokes and smiling the entire time. We’ve seen his quieter mood in episodes filmed in the first half of 2020, so seeing him this happy while filming this episode was truly amazing and once again made the episode even more special in that regard.

We also had Tae turn to Chef Baek and tell him about how his mom learned how to cook from him and if he could potentially get an autograph from him for his mom. This had Chef Baek all surprised and flustered, since he likely didn’t expect a member of the biggest group in Korea to want his autograph, saying that if anything shouldn’t he be the one asking this question. At that also Namjoon spoke up and quietly asked if he could get one for his mom as well since otherwise he wouldn’t be allowed to come home. In his vlive after the RUN episode was posted, Namjoon mentioned how yes, he did get that autograph in the end and that he also gave the knife to his mom as well since a knife like that is dangerous. Adorable.

At some point JK asked Chef Baek the golden question of whether or not he likes mint chocolate ice cream, followed by the question of pineapple on pizza, yes or no, and how that’s a question they are, for some reason, asked quite frequently when abroad. This was followed by Tae asking if he can eat eight crackers in a minute which led to the following commentary from Jimin:

Another detail we thought was quite funny was how instead of doing something related to cooking, Tae spent some time moving around the kitchen space cleaning away trash or washing dishes, therefore evading having to cook since it seems that isn’t his forte or he simply knew that Jimin and Seokjin would manage to do it just fine. But he did attempt to make rice, which though it turned out well, still was accompanied not only by him asking Chef Baek if he should use cold or warm water, but also Tae grabbing Jimin to ask him for help with the rice cooker.

Speaking of the rice cooker, the very one they used in the episode seems to be the same one they’ve been using since about 2014 and, if I remember correctly, might’ve been a gift from ARMY. This isn’t the only kitchen item they got from ARMY and still own and use to this day, since they also (among other things) have a set of colored bowls that can be seen standing on the shelves.

2014

2020

Something very endearing and cute though was Namjoon peeling a potato in tiny, which reminded me very much of that time around the campfire in Bon Voyage 4. Knowing Namjoon, looking at him peeling it so carefully, we were both kind of worried he might somehow hurt himself while doing it, which by no means is us trying to portray Namjoon as too stupid to do it or anything like that, but he himself said he isn’t that great in the kitchen after all.

After waiting for it since summer 2019, we finally also got a look at JK’s forearm and all the tattoos on it in HD, a big step up from looking at the blurry shots of it in Bon Voyage 4 or their refection in some microwave. ARMY on sns went crazy over it, most staying respectful while also curious, though of course there were also some idiots who felt the need to voice their negative opinions no one asked for. I think it’s an interesting step, and perhaps a really valuable one, that he felt confident and assured enough to show them to us instead of having the editors blur them like they’ve done so in episodes of In The SOOP (both the TV and Weverse versions).

At the end of the episode they all sat down together so that Chef Baek could try their dishes, with someone asking him if maybe they could all win those special engraved knives after all but Chef Baek seemed adamant about how only one team can win. While he tried their dishes Chef Baek complemented different things that the members had done well, leading Seokjin to turn red as he does whenever someone complements him, as well as Jimin looking fond and proud of Tae when Chef Baek complemented something Tae had done and they even high fived each other. Very cute and supportive, love that.

Before he chose a winner, everyone in their respective teams held hands and waited in anticipation to see who won. Thanks to editing we didn’t see the moment of Chef Baek raising the winner’s hand, which created a comedic moment where Seokjin stood up yelling triumphantly just to be very confused when also the other team was cheering. Meaning in the end all of them won and received the knives, including Yoongi despite him not being present. The teams stood up for group hugs where, I don’t know if you noticed, but we thought it was quite cute how vmin hugging seemed so natural and like something they’ve done this way a million times already with Jimin slotting his shoulder below Tae’s arm and his body against Tae’s “automatically” while being a little unsure what to do with his other arm before moving it to pull Seokjin into the hug as well. It’s these little things about Tae and Jimin that get us, you know.

Also someone pointed out a cute parallel between a famous vmin hug picture and Jimin’s arm/hand on Tae’s back during the group hug that I thought we’d show you as well.

Something I think this episode showed us in terms of vmin content is that, even if there aren’t many obvious “moments” (due to obvious reasons I kind of really don’t like that term but for a lack of a better one…), it’s still clear to see in the background how they gravitate toward each other, which of course you can argue was because they’re in the same team, but that doesn’t change the fact that Tae or Jimin could’ve just as well interacted with/asked Seokjin for things or giggled with him, but instead they still had their little moments with each other, while of course also interacting with Seokjin. We’re definitely curious if the Behind cut will show us some more of the vmin moments that we just got glimpses at in the background in the main episode.

As for namjin, since they were on different teams, there weren’t really any interactions between those two but that’s okay. Their interactions with their own teammates were great enough, Namjoon’s team trying to include him in the process even if he himself said the only thing he actually did was peel those potatoes.

A final thing we’d want to mention is a glimpse we got of the sheer number of cameras and people that were present in the background while they were filming this episode, which are likely also present during every other episode and piece of content they film. Looking at that, it doesn’t surprise us in the slightest that vmin (and even namjin, and the other members) might not be as eager/willing to show the true version/amount of affection they have for each other. I mean, who would want to showcase themselves in such a manner in front of so many lenses and eyes, even more so since for the filming of this episode surely also staff belonging to Chef Baek were present?

I think it’s important to keep these things in mind when we discuss vmin (and namjin) interactions in most of their content. Since we usually don’t see their staff and cameras, it creates this illusion of it just being them present and doing their thing, when in reality they are constantly being watched by a number of staff and cameras. Would you really want to be all over your soulmate while you’re being watched like that? Especially in more meaningful ways? Surely these things were easier for them when they were younger, a little greener and more inexperienced, so to speak, and not yet quite so (potentially) emotionally involved with each other, but now? After?

It certainly explains quite a bit of what some insist on classifying as “cold” or “distanced” behavior, doesn’t it? It’s easier to play the role you created for yourself and, in a way, use as shield (BTS V and BTS Jimin, BTS RM and BTS Jin) instead of showing your private (Kim Taehyung and Park Jimin, Kim Namjoon and Kim Seokjin) emotions and behaviors with each other, you know what I mean?

All in all, it was a really, really fun episode that had us howling with laughter.

[prvtbugsbuggins]

✨ Choose three adjectives to complement your own writing. 😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate? ✏️ Do you write every day? 👖 Are you a planner, plantser, or pantser? Is it consistent? 💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

\o/

✨ Choose three adjectives to complement your own writing.

I would say emotional, realistic, and stealth comedy.

😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?

Oh boy do I like going into injuries and surgical procedures. I would figure some people may not like reading about realistic injuries and the like so I make sure to warn/tag stuff the best I can.

I can be VERY mean to favored characters. Plz, I bask in the horribleness.

✏️ Do you write every day?

I do my best too, but it's more like every-other day depending on spoon budget and emotional status.

👖 Are you a planner, plantser, or pantser? Is it consistent?

A planter. I write a brief outline on what I need to address and then let the rest organically fill itself in.

Example, for Prop Bets and Victory, my basic outline was: Tucker and Sarge fatshame Grif -> Grif makes a prop bet (prop bet in this term meaning a bet he knows he is going to win) -> the revelation of Grif and Caboose's 'playground' and wholesome relationship-> Grif schools them both -> Grif gets his much needed validation and snacks. With that basic outline I was free to just write and let things come to me. I didn't plan on Tucker's jokes. I didn't plan on Epsilon being a little shit. I didn't plan on dialogue between characters. Those things just filled themselves in naturally and I feel like that's the best way for me to write. :3

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

One of my favorite things about writing fics is the sheer amount of opportunities for learning you can do. For my Hollow Knight fics it lets me deep dive into one of my favorite subjects, entomology. It allowed me to write a fic where someone tries to poison (which i also researched nyeh heh!) a pillbug but fails because pillbugs are fucking immune to most toxins, including arsenic. For my RVB fics I've been studying basic military life, ranks, and going into the rabbit hole of various scientific experiments demonstration conditioning behaviors and ways of control. I also got to really rub my horrible gremlin hands together as I gleefully wrote about severe brain injuries because I watched an actual surgery be performed on youtube and learned a lot about brains. I've learned so much about medicine in writing my various fics that I can't help but spout terrible medical facts at random to completely horrify my friends. I'm horrible oh no

[hotwaterandmilk]

Thank you for being super awesome Shiori. I don’t have a ton of money so I collect digital entertainment images as an inexpensive hobby. Your posts are some of the highlights of my days. Could you please recommend similar tumblrs? ALSO, your Kurau selection is very nice. I've never seen the show, could you tell me what you like about it?

Hi, thanks for the message! I haven’t come from a wealthy background so I appreciate how important digital entertainment access can be & am always happy to share. In terms of similar blogs, I’ve got a few “fave links” in my about section to similar bloggers on here, but I am always open to further recommendations too!

｡･ﾟヾ(✦థ ｪ థ)ﾉ｡ﾟ･｡  Asking me about KURAU?? My followers are such a blessing!

KURAU Phantom Memory is a sci-fi series that has a very strong emotional core and I think part of its lack of success is that while it has some interesting technology and world-building, it deliberately eschews all that to focus on an alien being and her other half bonding with and dually surviving encounters with humans. (Well that and the sheer amount of money that went into licencing it in the US is still widely regarded as a joke.)

Short summary: Young girl (Kurau) fuses with an alien being. Some years later her alien “pair”, Christmas, appears (these creatures, the Rynax, are two halves of a whole) and the powers that be try to contain and destroy the power that these two have. They go on various adventures, learning & growing as they try to avoid capture and remain true to themselves.

What I like about it is that is very much Irie’s decade-long passion project. He worked hard to create a heroine who wasn’t like a lot of leads we see in sci-fi anime. Kurau isn’t presented as an object to lust after, she’s a fully realised and flawed heroine who makes mistakes and tries her best. She’s capable but even with her Rynax abilities, she’s not above fucking up or doing the wrong thing. I’ve seen people complain that she makes a lot of mistakes and that really feels like an important part of the story Irie wanted to tell. About growing and overcoming your circumstances but also the walls you build for yourself.

Christmas is Kurau’s cute younger pair, who initially seems like she doesn’t do a whole lot but she helps open Kurau’s eyes (and eventually Ayaka’s & beyond) to the deep empathy that is still possible in a world against them. I’ve mentioned before that I really love Ayaka and that’s because she’s a wonderfully written antagonist who has her own motivations for what she’s doing, but over time begins to question who she has become. There’s also some great side characters along the way and some very emotional story arcs involving experimental Rynasapiens (similar to Kurau & Christmas).

I think it’s streaming on CrunchyRoll/Funimation these days, if you can get your hands on it and want to try something a little different then I highly recommend it. The series has flaws for sure, but I have grown to really appreciate what Irie was trying to do with the show and hope eventually others may recognise how powerful his vision was. I at least want a BD release! ;o;

tl;dr I love my obscure SF alien energy daughters

[emerald-amidst-gold]

Blood Lotus and Arbors Blessing for Fane? 👀

Well, well, well, I see you chose one particular plant that lets me demonstrate the sheer amount of alcohol that Fane can consume and still not get drunk! Clever, clever! >:D

Blood Lotus - Is your character a lightweight when it comes to intoxicating substances? How did they come across this fact?

So to start, Fane is not a lightweight by any means and allow me to show you!

**

"Are we seriously doing this, Varric?", Fane asked, arms crossed as he sat at one of the tables in the tavern, watching as the dwarf meticulously set down bottle after bottle of different liquors. He recognized them, since each one was a brand they had stumbled upon out in the wilds during excursions.

Varric glanced up as he set the last bottle labeled 'Dragon Piss' down in front of him before stepping back, nodding with satisfaction and grinning like a fool. Fane didn't like that grin. That grin meant bad things. Baaad things.

"This is a test, Tempest!", Varric proclaimed, reaching forward to pull the cork of one of the bottles, giving it a precarious sniff before making a face that said, 'Oh, that's a strong one' before setting it back down, and grinning again.

Fane lifted a hand, slowly rubbing at his face before sighing. He should have known the dwarf's offer of a round of cards was a bad idea, but he had agreed. Why had he agreed? He should be in bed. He should be doing something other than drinking, but here he was.

"And tell me, what is this test trying to prove?", Fane asked, instantly regretting it as Varric let out a laugh, pulling the cork off another bottle and then another and then another. Oh, this was bad and so was the smell as he grimaced slightly at the one labeled 'Dragon Piss'. His kin's piss did not smell like that. Not at all.

"It's to test if that body of yours is just for taking hits, or if it can take a different type of hit.", Varric explained, finishing his mass uncorking of bottles to plop down into the chair directly across from him, smirking with a twinkle of mischief in amber eyes.

Fane raised an eyebrow, idly reaching out with a hand to grab a hold of a bottle, giving it a swirl, but never disconnecting eye contact with the set watching him. Another glint of deep brown within otherwise bright eyes told him exactly what he needed to know, and it also had him heaving a sigh. He should have known.

"You want to see how many bottles it takes to get me wasted.", he said matter of fact, nearly snorting when Varric's eyes widened a bit before they schooled themselves, cheeky grin still in place.

"Keen eye, Your Holiness.", Varric joked, but cleared his throat when Fane threw a truly venomous glare at it. "But, yeah! I overheard a certain conversation between you and our resident apostate, and it got me curious." That same cheeky grin seemed to grow at those words, making Fane let out another sigh. He and Solas really needed to stop having their talks in the rotunda. Sound carried, voices lingered.

Stone talked to stone.

"I'm guessing it was the one from the Winter Palace?", Fane asked, knowing that it was, but playing the fool. He already toed the line with his earlier observation, as insignificant as it was. He didn't need to pique Varric's curiosity more. "The one where I drank ten bottles of port, five bottles of brandy, and three shots of whiskey?"

Varric nodded. "That exact one!", he affirmed, pointing at him with a finger before leaning back in his chair, propping his boots up on the table. "According to how Chuckles worded it, you were drinking throughout the night, but every time I saw you, you looked as steady as a vessel.", he stated, leaning over a bit to grab his own pint, as if the whole thing happening was a riveting show.

Fane shrugged. "I took swings here and there. That place had my nerves all frayed, and why not take advantage of the free drinks?", he said. The masks had also had him on edge, but Varric didn't need to know that.

"Oh, I get that, but the amount...", Varric started, pointing with his tankard with a thoughtful expression. "...that's the kicker! And why I have to see a repeat!", he declared, taking a swig of his own ale.

Fane let out a tiny growl before just sighing once again. As much as he didn't want to entertain this, his head pounding from today's 'meetings' and Cullen and Cassandra's disapproval with one of his actions, he had to admit, a drink would be nice.

Really nice. He wouldn't get drunk anyways. Not from the meager line up before him, at any rate.

"Fine, dwarf.", Fane acquiesced to the test, sitting up straight to lean his elbows on the table, feeling a tiny, tiny smirk beginning to form as he saw the flash of surprise in amber. "I'll take your test and get the highest marks, too.", he said, raising the bottle in his hand and taking a generous swig with a single flinch. It was strong, it burned going down, but still piss weak.

Varric let out a barking laugh, slamming a hand down on the table and nearly upending all the bottles.

"Andraste's tits! I'm gonna mark this day on the calendar!", Varric roared, raising a hand in a sweeping pattern as if displaying something. "'Fane Lavellan learns to loosen up! All thanks to his friend and loyal ally, Varric Tethras!'".

Fane scoffed, rolling his eyes as he took another hearty swig. He looked down into the opening of the bottle, feeling his face go flat with boredom.

"I'm not going to be loosening up anytime soon with these drinks.", Fane grumbled before shrugging, taking another long, long swig, practically chugging it until he felt no more liquid enter his throat. "See?" He shook the bottle a bit, showing the now wide eyed dwarf it was empty. "Pathetic."

"Oh, we'll see about that once you down all twenty four!", Varric exclaimed, shock wearing off to be replaced with rapt excitement. "Fifty sovereigns says I have to drag your ass up the stairs to Chuckles by the end of the night."

Fane leaned back, taking another bottle with him and mimicking Varric's position. He felt his smirk widen at the challenge, the bet, and felt a warm sense of giddiness in his chest. Maybe the alcohol was stronger than he thought? Nah, couldn't be. Just the room.

"Make it a hundred and a sneak peak of your next chapter, and I'm in.", Fane raised the stakes as he took a generous sip of the next bottle, its front label reading 'Butterbile'. It certainly had an essence akin to bile; musty and...damp.

"You drive a hard bargain, Inquisitor, but I'll take that bet!", Varric agreed to his terms, grin now ear to ear as he took a swig in turn.

Maybe grins of sun when the being that bore them came from the Stone wasn't so bad after all as Fane took another chug, smirking and warm all the while.

(Fane won the bet. And he had to carry Varric up the stairs instead. XD)

***

Arbor Blessing :: What is the happiest ending you can think of for your character?

Fane's happiest ending would be that his kin were free, able to do what they did without fear of being leashed again and that he and Solas could finally rest. Somewhere quiet, disconnected, but still aware of everything they fought for. Maybe the forests, maybe on the road, learning and observing a world they hadn't seen in centuries. An ending where no one had to die. Perhaps scarred and tempered, but not dead, not gone. Fane built friendships with everyone, and while I haven't shown that very much in my writing, it's the truth. He's just like Solas in that he doesn't want to do what he has to do, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and push through.

I just see Fane and Solas with Yune (their adopted dragon) just...living. Actually living and not just walking through the world like it's a nightmare, an illusion, a mirror waiting to be broken.

Thank you for the ask, friend! X3

[draculeo]

oh btw if u have any thoughts on like. i suppose small celebs but even like “popular” blogs on tumblr being treated as just channels for people to throw their thoughts at rather than people to engage with, id love to hear!! it’s a weird niche thing i’ve been thinking about a lot but i have no idea how to articulate it and i like how u word things

omg i was literally thinking about this yesterday and mourning all the people who were genuinely interesting and funny and got bogged down by the flood that comes with notoriety where you’re forced to become a one dimensional caricature of yourself. i had typed out a bunch of stuff but it turned into a big block that was hard to understand so like here are my initial thoughts broken into categories and this is not even close to scratching the surface of what i think but. here it is

1. the sheer amount of attention they get. i just know it’s exhausting to even think about posting something. it gets to the point to where every single post comes with the added burden of having to think about every possible response to the post because it’s inevitable that it’ll be taken the wrong way or twisted or misunderstood and you have to decide if it’s even worth it. there’s no way to continue facilitating small discussions at a certain point because you’re bound to have antagonistic viewers or ppl who don’t genuinely want to talk to you and just exist to derail everything so at that point they have to just become like. the most pared down version of themselves possible and be too exhausted to post anything outside of what their audience happily consumes because they can’t deal with the flood that it comes with.

2. the inbox thing!! people do not have boundaries and tend to remove the humanity away from the influencer/blogger (dms and those ask functions on insta stories in terms of influencers in place of asks). like you don’t really view them as a person any more. one thing i’ve noticed on here is a lot of people use popular users’s inboxes as a way to filter their own content and find out what’s “good” or use it as a way to get their own joke/headcanon/whatever into circulation because they don’t get notes. this isn’t when bloggers are talking about something and ppl continue the conversation in asks but like getting asks out of the blue that are literally obviously a tumblr post draft that someone wants to get your approval of is weird and it makes the blogger feel removed from their own sense of humanity as well because they realize they’re sort of being immortalized or turned into a landmark.

3. also continuing on the askbox thing. with both this point and the point i made previously i find myself constantly having to reiterate my boundaries and remind ppl of what is and isnt appropriate to send in an askbox and it is so hard to do without being branded as mean or bitchy. I just remembered I made a post about it here but basically what i said is a lot of ppl use popular bloggers as a stand in therapist or diary and trauma dump while simultaneously guilt tripping ppl into replying. u can read the post i linked for like more thoughts about that. 

4. constantly being watched!! i alr kind of said this but being constantly watched is so overwhelming and kind of trapping in a way, especially with the knowledge that people are looking for any reason to start an argument with you or throw accusations at you.

5. they can get to the point if they’re not careful where their own self image is so warped by it that they buy into the idea that they are like this prominent famous figure. which they might be like thats cool if you are! but you’ve already lost your humanity in the public’s eye and you start to lose your own humanity and morph yourself into the caricature you’ve been presenting because why wouldn’t you! i’ve seen it happen to ppl who gain a little instagram notoriety where they begin to view themselves as a provider or better than others and enter the mindset where people are lucky to be around them and it genuinely deteriorates their ability to keep meaningful relationships bc they lose the ability to separate their persona

ok this was very messy and very surface level and so scattered i wish i had the time to flesh everything out lol but like those r some of the things that came to mind

tl;dr popularity and notoriety strip people of their perceived humanity, exhaust them into becoming caricatures of their former selves, and remove their access to creative outlets or past hobbies because they are constantly being watched and lifted onto a pedestal they never asked to be on

[humanmoodring-retired]

When Will My Reflection Show Who I Am Inside? || Metzli & Nadia

TIMING: Current, but, like ~at night~ PARTIES: @deathisanartmetzli​ & @humanmoodring SUMMARY: Fun house mirrors are neither fun nor reflective of the people that they show. CONTENT: Domestic abuse, panic attack

The last time the carnival was in town, Nadia was possessed. That seemed to be a running theme in her life, a joke that she wasn’t in on. Something would happen. How the fuck would Nadia know? She was possessed during that time. When was it? Doesn’t matter. She was probably possessed. Or recovering from being possessed. Or gearing up for a possession. Who knew?

But Nadia was doing the damn carnival thing, now. There were so many fucking people. Too many goddamn, fucking people. It was almost overwhelming, and Nadia stopped, hands deep in her jacket pocket, trying not to look too caught up in the emotions of the people around her before she focused on the literal dead spot next to her. That. The nothingness. She had to just… focus on the nothingness. She looked at the person where the nothingness was and shrugged. “It’s alright, I guess.”

“All right? This was your idea, Juicebox.” Metzli nudged Nadia with their elbow and looked around the clusters of people. So many meals, yet they were unable to touch a single one. A tickle in their throat surfaced only for a second, and they swallowed it back. “What do you even wanna hit up first? I’ve never really been to one of these. Not in America. We had tianguis in Mexico. I wasn’t even allowed to go to those. Had to sneak.” Shrugging, they gestured forward and looked around for something interesting. They figured it wouldn’t take long, considering the sheer amount of fae blood they smelled.

Metzli was on edge, not necessarily feeling like seeing Nadia was a bright idea. Eloy’s minions were definitely watching, they could already feel the cameras snapping their shots. But they needed to get out, do something that wasn’t fighting. Their body was too tired, face and torso bruised and cut from their late-night outings. A break was in order, just for tonight, maybe just for a few hours, and then it was back to their punishments. Hiding their exhaustion and overall disdain was difficult, but it didn’t really matter now. “Anything catching your eye?”

“I’m peachy,” Nadia said. She was fine. It was just a bunch of people. She’d been through far worse than a fucking carnival. Though, she did feel the need to tack on, “When I was younger, like twelve or thirteen or something, I didn’t know I was an empath. I just thought I got overwhelmed in crowds. So, like, there was this one time we were at a circus, and I went with my parents. Fucking catastrohpic. Such a bad idea. I had a fucking panic attack.” She shrugged. “So, yeah, like, this kinda shit’s a little overrated, you know.”

Nadia didn’t have to be able to feel Metzli’s emotions to tell that they were tense, likely still unsure about whether or not this was a good idea. But Nadia didn’t really care. “Chill,” she said quietly, knowing that they could hear. “Just, like, live your life, alright? Unlife. Whatever.” She looked around. “This is your carnival experience, thude. Think about what you wanna do. I know the candy apples might not be your thing, but who knows? They might have fang-friendly options around here.”

Metzli shot Nadia a glare and growled quietly at her, “I am chill. This is my chill.” Features softened though, grateful that Nadia used their preferred term. It was still so strange to have someone respect that aspect of them so easily. Behaving like a petulant child was their default when they were irritated or angry. Expressing themselves wasn’t so easy, it wasn’t allowed for so long that their emotions usually came out in small but juvenile bursts. Swallowing thickly, they shot their head around to find something, anything for the two to do.

“How about that?” Metzli pointed at the Hall of Mirrors, a little more relaxed now. Mirrors would be easy for them to take. They didn’t have to do anything but look at a glass image that didn’t stare back at them. Eyes met with Nadia’s, and the colorful lights glowed on her skin, danced around in a flurry. It reminded them of Macleod, and how colors of the television danced off of her in a similar fashion when she spent the night making them feel safe.

Throat tightened again, not out of hunger, but out of something else they couldn’t really decipher. They couldn’t think about that now, though. Like Nadia said, Metzli needed to chill.

Laughing, Nadia said, “Oh, yeah. You’re real fucking chill, Metzli.” It was much easier for her to tease them like this, to show them that she wasn’t particularly intimidated by their growls and bad attitudes. She’d learned pretty easily that she didn’t have to give into childish outbursts. If they were gonna attack her, they would, and she’d deal with that, later. Otherwise, they just needed to lash out, sometimes. She’d let them, even if she wouldn’t humor them.

“A hall of mirrors?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at them. “I mean, sure. It doesn’t look that busy. Isn’t that gonna be, like, kind of lame for you, though? Since you don’t have a reflection and everything.” Though, really, Nadia was just fine with going to the Hall of Mirrors. Hell, there was no line. She could get a small reprieve from being around people before finding something else to do at the carnival. There were way more people here than there were typically at the library or even the bar.

Eyes rolled and Metzli flipped Nadia off as they tread forward to the Hall of Mirrors without bothering to look back. Her steps were heard easily enough and they thought aloud, “Figure I should start with something easy if I’m gonna be here. There’s too many damn snacks here. Uh, I mean, people. There’s too many people.” They sucked their teeth at themselves and stopped at the gate right before the gatekeeper stopped them. In the midst of their building tension, they didn’t realize they had sped up their walking, leaving Nadia a little behind. Foot tapped rapidly, waiting for her to catch up.

“Sorry.” They apologized weakly, not truly meaning it, but doing so out of social obligation. Once Nadia had successfully gotten to the gate, the entrance was opened for the pair to walk through and begin their experience. Metzli felt a strange energy from the gatekeeper, not liking the ominous nature of his existence. Mouth opened to make a snide remark, but they were ushered forward and were inside before they managed to.

“There’s a lot of fucking people here,” Nadia muttered, looking around and shoving her hands further into the pockets of her jacket. Too many people, and everyone was feeling something. As Metzli walked ahead, other people drifted in closer, allowing Nadia to feel excitement, anger, fear, joy, all of it bordering on overwhelming. She didn’t feel much of anything from the person in front of the attraction as she made it to the Hall of Mirrors, but she didn’t pay him any mind as she followed after Metzli.”

“It’s cool,” she told them. It was already much quieter in her head, and Nadia appreciated that as she walked into the Hall of Mirrors after them. She could tell Metzli was about to pop off something, but she was more focused on the fact that she could see Metzli’s back in one of the mirrors in front of them. Which… should not be happening. “Uh, Metz, I don’t think these are normal mirrors.”

“What?” Metzli whipped around quickly and got startled by their image. They yelped in surprise and stumbled back, falling in the process. “W-what the fuck?!” Scooting back until they felt Nadia behind them, they rambled intelligibly. Finding words was impossible as their brain struggled to comprehend that they were seeing their reflection. Narrowed eyes noticed a change forming, like a thick mass inside the mirror, but focus was ripped and brought to Nadia.

Metzli stood up quickly and got behind Nadia, similar to when a child does when they are full of fear. “That’s not supposed to happen. How is this—okay, Bookworm, you know things, right? Explain this.” An answer was demanded, not even considering Nadia may not even know much of anything on vampires. Hell, she asked Metzli questions about vampires plenty of times, so they were subconsciously aware of the possibility.

Clearly, Metzli wasn’t expecting to see their reflection, either. Nadia could barely make out the rapid combination of English and Spanish in their words as they tried to piece together what was going on. “Hey, Metzli, it’s okay. Todo bien, si?” And she didn’t know if it was okay or not. It sure didn’t fucking seem okay. But if she could reassure them then, sure, yeah, she’d say it’s okay.

“I know things,” Nadia said slowly. Sort of. She sort of knew things. She knew the feeling of an exorcism, and she knew not to promise people or say thank you, and she knew that vampires didn’t have reflections except in carnival fun houses. “I don’t know this. I… This is a little outta my wheelhouse. Going off what you’ve told me, vampires don’t have fucking reflections.” Nadia reached behind her enough to pat them on the shoulder before walking forward slowly, peering into the mirror. “I wonder if it’s made out of some sort of material that you actually can be reflected back in. I mean, you show up in water, right? And you can have your picture taken…”

Nadia’s Spanish was unexpected, but the way it soothed them was too. It immediately caused their mind to focus on the women in front of them walking forward to the mirrors. Following closely, Metzli tensed at the sight of what seemed like hundreds of them. Experiencing their reflection in such a way was completely foreign and caused their instincts to be on high alert. That’s why, when one of the mirrors on the outside of their vision began to morph, they growled and crouched down to attack.

It seemed like the mirror melted into its new picture, fluidly changing and taking shape. The other mirrors began to ripple too, one by one. The same picture as the first. Their mother, holding them down, and their father giving one of the final lashes. The basement came into view and Metzli screamed. “No! Please! No!” They fell to the ground again and crawled backwards, straight into another mirror that brought the horror of the dark basement closer to view and they cried even harder.

“Ya no. Por favor. Me voy portar bien. Lo juro.” Metzli repeated in a trembling mumble over and over again. Their whole body shook, pulling their knees to their chest, and taking the shape of a small ball on the floor. “Lo juro…lo juro…”

“Easy there, Fangs,” Nadia said as Metzli crouched and growled and seemed almost feral, but she couldn’t particularly blame them. She didn’t know how she’d react to seeing her reflection in a mirror after so many years. Hell, she could barely stand seeing herself as it was. When your own reflection reminded you of someone else, someone you hated, it was best to just not see it. So that’s what Nadia tried to do. She tried to not see it.

She couldn’t help but glance in one of the mirrors only to see a memory that haunted her. Herself, a few years younger, grinning with bloody hands leaving imprints on her bathroom sink. Her eyes were panicked, but her grin was large, depraved. Nadia looked away as soon as she heard Metzli scream. She hated the relief she felt, but at least she didn’t have to look at herself.

Walking over to Metzli slowly, her hands in front of her with her palms exposed, Nadia murmured. “Todo bien, Metzli. Ellos no pueden lastimarte.” They can’t hurt you. She didn’t know what Metzli was seeing, what had caused them to react so horribly, but she knew it wasn’t good. “Don’t look in the mirrors. Cierra… tus ojos.” It had been a stupid long time since Nadia had to do anything but read Spanish. Her father would be so annoyed with the way she thought too long over the words, but, really, he wouldn’t have been surprised. She never spoke Spanish with him, anyway. “Tus ojos,” she said, and she put one of her own hands over her eyes. “Don’t look in the mirrors.”

Nadia’s voice was completely muffled, not by any physical force, but the pure panic that clouded every one of Metzli’s senses. Fear quickly turned into anger, fueled by the instinct to eliminate any threat. Fangs emerged as Metzli didn’t listen, couldn’t listen to Nadia and heed her suggestion. They rose quickly and lunged at one of the mirrors but halted at the sight of Eloy behind them. Fearful eyes, their own eyes, bore into themselves and they whipped around to try and attack, but nothing greeted them except for their lone reflection.

As Nadia remained where she was, covering her eyes, Metzli desperately searched for a way out. But there was only a parade of them and the ongoing rippling changes of whatever hell it wanted to show them. Except, it didn’t. And for a brief moment, they saw themselves standing in the field of the ranch and they let out a choked laugh. Emotions changed just as quickly as the images, though, and a new one formed. Despite Nadia’s pleas to cover their eyes, they didn’t. They had to keep looking. Macleod was holding them, kissing them. And then it went back.

“No!” Metzli yelled and saw themselves being shoved into the basement again. They practically begged for the previous vision, backing away before tripping and falling. Bracing themselves for the impact of the mirror, it never came. Simply put, they just continued to fall backwards into it. “Nadia!” A hand reached out, grabbing her arm and pulling her with them into the unknown.

“Metzli, it’s not real!” Nadia said, and she kept her eyes down and covered, refusing to look into the reflections, to give in. Until she heard them moving around, and her head snapped up. She caught her reflection, and it was… nice. She was standing at a podium wearing glasses (she wondered if that meant she finally gave in and bought glasses), pointing to a board and holding up a book. It was nice. The Nadia in the mirror looked up and smiled before frowning at something behind the actual Nadia.

She whipped her head around and watched herself being exorcised. It wasn’t any easier the fourth time. Then, Metzli was calling out to her, and Nadia looked at them long enough to see the panic in their eyes as they reached out and grabbed her. Nadia wouldn’t have been able to pull away even if they didn’t have super strength, their backwards momentum dragging her along into the mirror. And where it should have shattered it instead gave away, rippling around them like water without being wet. “Oh, fuck,” Nadia said as they were ingulfed in darkness.

The familiar room surrounded the two, the unforgiving darkness and violent cold jolted Metzli to a state of panic. Nadia and them were in the basement. Head jerked up to look at the door at the top of the stairs. Streaks of light came through below, interrupted by shadows walking past. “No...no, no, no, no…” It smelled horrid and rank. Buckets were in a not very far corner, where they were forced to relieve themselves and rotten food at the end of the stairs. It was small, but it was their hell. Metzli knew better than to scream. That only caused more lashes. It is best to never be seen or heard. Their mother always said that, so that was how they lived.

So Metzli dropped to the ground and sobbed quietly to themselves as they rocked back and forth, running their hands through their hair and tugging at it. “D-don’t make any sound. They’ll get mad.”

“It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real,” Nadia muttered, over and over again, because this was the inside of a fucking mirror, so of course it wasn’t real. It smelled real, though, and it sounded real, and looked real. But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. They’d fallen through a fucking mirror. Shit like that wasn’t real.

Nadia hooked her hands under Metzli’s arms and began pulling at them, getting them to sit up and then tugging on them to stand. If they didn’t, though, she’d drag them. Nadia didn’t give a fuck. They were gonna get out of there. There was a door, a reprieve, and she began to move towards it, throwing it open.

They were outside, and it looked almost like the carnival, except it was much hotter. It was a dry heat, even at night. Nadia looked around the carnival, and she felt thirteen again, and there was too much. Too many people, too bright lights, too much noise. She let go of Metzli, her boots tripping over a rock as she held her head. “Fuck. Fuck. Not real. Fuck.”

Metzli begged Nadia to not open the door. Opening the door meant more punishments, more pain. Aching legs moved them forward to try and stop her, but she had the door open faster than they could react. The images, the surroundings, all of it changed before them and they stumbled as Nadia let them go. Now it was her falling apart, and Metzli was the calm one, catching her before she hit the ground. They nodded at her, silently agreeing at first and then finding their voice. “Not real. It’s not. We have to get out. Come on, Nadia.”

Wrapping their arms around her carefully, they picked her up and ran as fast as they could out of the crowds. Metzli knew what a panic attack looked like, and Nadia was having one, or she was about to. Her heart was beating so fast and she sounded terrified. They attempted to comfort her,  “We’ll find a way out. We’ll find it.” Whether their words would actually help, they didn’t know, but the least they could do was try. She had, for them.

There was a break in the crowd, and then they were in what Eloy called, The Starving Room. “Oh no, no, no, no.” Metzli grew worried at the sight of vampires, all of them starving. They tried to find an exit so they could get away. All of the creatures were pulling their chains to their ends to try and reach the pair, the hunger making them feral. The hallway finally led to a door and Metzli threw their back against it to rip it open. Upon falling through, they both fell into a new environment, one Metzli couldn’t recognize at all.

“I’m fine,” Nadia said, her heart pounding. She couldn’t catch her breath. It felt like too much. Too fucking much. She couldn’t even differentiate everything that was coming in, overwhelming her. Now, she knew it was other people’s emotions. Before, she’d had no idea.

And then it was quiet. At least, it was quiet in Nadia’s head. The sounds of starving vampires was decidedly not quiet as she watched vampires pull against chains. What the fuck was this? What was this place? What was happening? What the fuck was going on with the goddamn mirrors?

Nadia and Metzli fell, and she caught herself, her pavement digging into her palms as she looked up to see an alleyway. She watched as red hair disappeared behind a corner.

“Brook!” Nadia’s head jerked around to watch her own self, several years younger and drunk, stumble after the redhead. But that wasn’t Brook. Nadia had been stupid, so fucking stupid, to mistake her friend for that bitch Cordelia. She knew what happened after this. This was the first night in a long series of forgotten nights and forgotten years. She looked away. “We’ve got to get the fuck out.”

Strangers walked in the distance and Nadia called out an unfamiliar name. This was for her now. Metzli finally gathered that the mirrors created images from the person’s memories, or something like that. This was something that was from deep within Nadia’s mind, and it plagued her based on her body language and tone of voice. “Y-Yeah, we d-do.” There was no way to steady their voice and Metzli wasn’t going to attempt anyway. Finding the exit was the only thing that mattered. Their eyes widened when a door caught their eye, and they quickly grabbed Nadia to pull her up. Bolting to it, they dragged her by the elbow behind them in hopes of the door being their escape.

“We just have t-to keep trying. We have to. We—there’s got to be a way out!” Metzli’s body didn’t make impact with the door. Instead, just like before with the mirrors, their body rippled through a thick wall that felt like going through glue, before landing on the hard ground. Nadia landed on top of them and they recognized their surroundings again. They were back where they started, in the hall of mirrors.

Metzli scrambled to their feet and continued to pull Nadia with them to the exit. “Fuck this place. Fuck this place!” The fresh night air hit their skin and they let go of Nadia’s arm as they fell on all fours, finally past the gate that was no longer manned.

Nadia didn’t have time to properly comprehend that they’d made it back into the Hall of Mirrors before Metzli was dragging them both out into the evening. She breathed in fresh air, gulping it into her lungs. She never thought that she’d be happy to experience the cool crispness of Maine autumn air. Anything was better than that dry, oppressive heat. Anything was better than that dank, rotten air in those basements.

Not quite falling over, Nadia stood with her hands on her knees, panting. “Fuck all of that,” she said. She looked at Metzli and went over to them, putting her hands under their arms and starting to try and drag them up to stand.

“Get up,” Nadia told them. “Get up. We can do the falling apart thing later, soon, but not here. We’re gonna get the hell out of here.” Away from those fucking mirrors, at the very least. Nadia wanted to get away from those mirrors. Maybe even get some shitty carnival fool. Whatever. Just get them away from those mirrors, those memories.

Their whole body shook uncontrollably and it was an internal battle to continue. To work past the failing use of their legs, of their arms, of their whole body. But Nadia was right, it wasn’t the time to fall apart. So Metzli picked themselves up and took Nadia’s hand, squeezing it softly. Ensuring to themselves that she had to be real. Everything else they saw wasn’t. But Nadia was. “We’re leaving.” Fingers interlaced together, and they hoped Nadia wouldn’t pull away. They needed to be anchored, to feel someone they trusted close to them. Feet moved, and they walked straight for the exit, crying and not looking at anyone who could possibly stare. And so many eyes did stare. The weight of their eyes tugged at their skin, but that weight dispersed the second the two reached the outside perimeter of the carnival.

Legs failed once more, no longer stepping forward. Metzli looked somberly at Nadia, cheeks stained with tears. The lump in their throat cracked their words, but they still tried to speak, “What now?”

It was much easier, now, to try and ignore the influx of emotions (concern, apprehension, amusement, others) that was assaulting Nadia than it had been when she was younger. She focused instead on the void that was Metzli, on the fact that they didn’t feel like anything at all. If she wanted to know their emotions, she had to read their face, watch their expressions. And they were clearly tired and overwhelmed, and Nadia could get that. She got that.

Looking over at them, Nadia kept her eyes soft. She didn’t let go of their hand. They seemed to need it. “There’s no one around that I can feel. We can just, like, chill for a minute if you want to. Or go get a drink, or just hang out.” She shrugged. “I’d rather not be alone right now, if it’s cool with you.” And if she was saying that more for their benefit then theirs, that was no one’s business but Nadia’s.

“That was shit,” Nadia said quietly, knowing they could hear. “That was real shit, but the night’s still young. We don’t have to end it there, and we don’t have to talk about any of it if you don’t want to. Or we can. But it’s up to you. Just know that we don’t have to leave it there, okay?”

“I don’t want to be alone either.” Metzli croaked. Pain was written all over their face, and even though they were facing Nadia and looking directly at her face, their eyes avoided hers. The mirrors reopened old wounds, ones thought to be fully healed and scarred. But they were only infected by the illusion of ‘time heals all wounds.’ It didn’t, and it never does. Not when you use your own veins as thread to have the hurt sewn into your skin.

Even as their emotions continued to bleed, they couldn’t actually look at Nadia, but they smiled warily at her kindness. “I’m sorry you had to see…my stuff.” Metzli struggled to find the right words. Especially because they weren’t even sorry that she had to see it. They were sorry because of how ashamed they were of their past. They struggled with the idea that someone got to not only witness, but actually experience their shameful past. And they even struggled to let themselves go forward, but they did it anyway. Both of them needed it, so Metzli let go of Nadia’s hand and wrapped both arms around her. It said everything they couldn’t, and then some.

After a few moments, they muttered, “We won’t leave it here. Let’s go get a drink.”

Nadia shrugged. “I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that on your own. That’s not the kind of stuff that people should shoulder on their own.” She blinked as Metzli wrapped their arms around her, and then she returned the hug gently. She patted them on the back and waited for them to be the first one to pull away. Metzli needed it. Hell, they both did.

“Drinks are good. I can do drinks. Maybe Dell’s? They’re sliders are wicked good, and I’m actually hungry for something greasy. I think it was the carnival food, but I’m not going back in there for the time being.” Maybe Nadia would check it out again at some other point. Not now, though. For now, the two of them needed to get out of there.

Panic attacks and ghosts. Nadia couldn’t help but feel grateful that was what the mirrors showed them of her life. She didn’t think she could do another exorcism. She didn’t think she could do being thrown out of her own body. It was better to feel too much. It was better to chase ghosts. “Can you taste things if they’re, like, really strong? Because I bet if you put hot sauce on things, it’d help.”

Metzli pulled away and nodded at Nadia, very into the idea of going to Dell’s even if they’d never been a patron there. “Sorry,” they muttered and rubbed the back of their neck sheepishly. Drinks and some nearly tasteless burgers sounded really good. Having Nadia’s company to talk about nothing or talk about everything made their anxiety lessen and they smiled.

“I don’t know, but I guess we have to try now. I’ll buy the drinks if you buy the sliders.” Metzli nudged Nadia towards the parking lot and walked closely to her, not wanting to stray too far away. Her presence brought a certain lightness, one that they would expand on and take with them to the bar. The night wasn’t over, and there was plenty to do to remedy what had happened. There was enough night to bandage the wounds and start anew.

[talkinbouttinygames]

The Witness & The Anti-Hardcore Walkthrough Club

Steam says I have played The Witness for 31 hours. That’s not as much as it could be - I haven’t played it in two years, and never finished it originally after my save got wiped in an accident - but the reason I’m writing about it now is because I recently picked it back up, remembered how much fun it was, and am now intent on finishing it. However, despite how much time I’ve sunk into it (much more than most games covered in this ‘zine), despite the fact that I enjoy it enough to re-do all of my progress from two years ago, I can’t recommend the game, and the reason why is that I’m playing it wrong.

Okay.

For those who haven’t heard of it, The Witness is a puzzle game created by Jonathan Blow (at which point I am legally obligated to quip, yes that Jonathan Blow) based around completing line mazes on panels scattered across a very pretty island. The most simple puzzle at the start entails the player drawing a starting line from the starting circle to the other side, with later puzzles gaining more maze-like shapes, or other requirements, like the line needing to cross over every dot that appears on the board, or separate differently-coloured squares, or outline a drawn tetris shape. Additionally, other puzzles incorporate the surrounding environment: sunlight exposes a smudged line that reveals the correct path on a panel when looking at the right angle, tinted glass exposes the true color of panel squares, shadows from foliage above ‘block off’ incorrect passages, and so on.

A lot’s been said about The Witness: Blow’s design process for its puzzle mechanics, how it silently guides the player into learning mechanics, and what it truly means. But I’m not going to talk about any of those things, firstly because I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said on those subjects, and secondly because for nearly the entire time I played the game, I had my phone opened up to a full-spoiler walkthrough.

The Witness is far from a casual game. While the game’s been praised for stepping back and allowing players to have ‘eureka! moments’ when trying to figure out how a given puzzle works, that same lack of explicit guidance can make it hostile to a player that isn’t able to connect the dots. Additionally, the line puzzles are the only interactable elements that exist in the game, outside of scattered audio logs around the island. This hyperfocus on the line puzzles (and the sheer magnitude of how many there are) means that in order to truly enjoy The Witness, you really need to be stoked about solving cereal box mazes.

...Don’t you?

When I first googled The Witness, my first thought was not, “wow, those puzzles look interesting”. It was “woah, this shit’s really pretty,” followed by “I think I would buy this game just to walk around in this world”. Evidently, I did - albeit on a half-off sale for 20 dollars instead of the usual forty. True to what I had seen, the world’s gorgeous, a variety of different landscapes with vibrant colours that seemed out of the painting. The way the puzzles interacted with the environment was also pleasant, at least with the ability to look up the answers for any of them at the glance. I took pleasure in screencapping scenes I found to be beautiful and sending them to my friends, and generally just being… present in the world I found myself in.

Perhaps it was a waste, that I refused to engage with the challenges the game presented me, that I cheated my way around obstacles that were supposed to give a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment and instead chose to meander around and treat the game as a glorified walking simulator. Given the common debate of whether accessibility features should disable achievements, and the gaming-originated term of ‘git gud’, it’s clear that the idea of ‘play experience integrity’ is one that a fair amount of gamers stick to. That idea is a complicated one that I can’t cover here, but my experience with The Witness falls on the fringes of it. While the certain type of gamers who scream about ‘casuals’ cheating themselves out of the Real Experience is an debate that deals with players changing the details of their play experience in order to follow the intended final destination of that experience, what happens when someone buys your game for a purpose completely unrelated to what the developer actually focused on? Is The Witness a good puzzle game? Who cares! Not me!

It’s like writing a novel that reveals integral qualities into the human condition, and then someone buys it because the size and paper type of the pages makes for good hamster bedding.

But I still enjoyed The Witness, because I was still playing the game - I completed every single area save for the final one because after that it wipes your save and I’d need to go through all the puzzles again to explore freely. And in the eyes of the game, what difference is there between my save file and someone who actually sat down and solved every single puzzle themselves. 

When talking to a friend about using a walkthrough while playing The Witness, he confessed - with slight guilt - to using walkthroughs in order to avoid missing anything. In response, I proposed we start the Anti-Hardcore Walkthrough Club - a hallowed league of gamers that place themselves highly in their ability to make things as easy for themselves as possible, because sometimes that’s what you’re looking for. In all seriousness, though, there’s a legitimate idea behind the joke - the sort-of  idea of the ‘death of the game designer’, that any way of playing a game is fair under cheats, mods, house rules, and yes, even focusing on a completely arbitrary and besides-the-point facet of the game. As long you’re aware that by doing so you can only speak to your specific style of play - a fact which applies to the hardcore gamers as much as the rest of us. To 100% a game on the hardest difficulty available isn’t necessarily a virtue, and cherry picking what parts of a game you care about and focusing on them isn’t necessarily a sin.

So, if I didn’t actually ‘play’ The Witness in the way a vast majority of people aim to play it, what can I say about it? This:

10/10. Best hamster bedding I’ve ever used.