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intheticklecloset · 4 years ago

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I’m Not Asking (My Hero Academia)

Primary Universe

I decided to go a different route than the tickling in public thing, since that particular irritation of his comes up often enough in other fics. Instead I chose to go with something a little different: pushing past boundaries. There’s not a lot of actual tickling in this one, but I like the story and there’s some good character growth that I think is important. Hopefully you’ll like it all the same! Enjoy!

6. “You want me to tickle you that bad?”

26. “Just tickle me already!”

Warning: ignored boundaries, slight angst

Bakugou was tired of being afraid.

Really, that’s all it was. It wasn’t that he missed being tickled by the idiots who followed him around everywhere. Of course not. Definitely not. But he was sick and tired of being on edge around them, constantly thinking about it whether he wanted to or not.

It had all started weeks ago, one evening in Sero’s room while the two of them – plus Mina and Denki – had been studying for an upcoming test. As it often did nowadays, their studying had become a tickle fight, during which Bakugou was waylaid by all three of them at once and tickled until he was begging them to stop…and beyond.

That’s where the problem had originated. Kiri wasn’t there to put an end to their antics, so the three of them had gotten carried away with their tickling, torturing him so much and for so long he actually became afraid they’d never let him go, no matter how much he screamed and pleaded. Thankfully Kirishima had finally made it to Sero’s room, taken one look at Bakugou’s state, and hurriedly put an end to it all.

Since then he hadn’t been overly inclined to hang out with any of them, save for the redhead who’d gotten him out of that mess. In the week following he’d kept to himself and left the room when they entered, ignoring their texts and knocks on his door. At one point Kiri managed to convince him the others wouldn’t randomly tickle him if he started hanging out again, so he’d begrudgingly begun to do so.

Now, weeks later, Bakugou was tired of it all.

He hated to admit that he’d legitimately been terrified in the moment – afraid they’d tickle him until he passed out, despite the fact that he’d been yelling for them to stop over and over. But he had been terrified, and that fear – whether he liked it or not – had followed him into their everyday interactions. Though he was hanging out with them again, he made sure to never sit too close, never wear exposing clothing around them, never say something that might set them off.

But he was sick of that fear. He wanted everything to go back to normal, even if that meant allowing them to reduce him to a puddle of giggles once again.

So, gradually, he started wearing cutoff shirts again, going barefoot around them, and being as mouthy as he always was. He figured his obvious reversion back to the way he’d been before would be enough for them to go back to how they were before. But – to his surprise and confusion – it wasn’t. He even went so far as to start actively trying to provoke them into poking him, pinching a side, attacking his sweet spot, anything. But there was no reaction from the crew. None whatsoever. They acted as though tickling never existed.

Bakugou hated that even more.

Finally, one night, he stormed into Kirishima’s dorm room. “What’s the matter with you all?”

Kiri startled, pulling off his headphones and looking up at him, bewildered. “What?”

“It’s like you’re all blind. I’m being as obvious as I can. What more do you want from me?”

There was a pause. Kiri slowly put his headphones on his desk and stood up. “Bakugou,” he said seriously, gently, “remember how upset I was when you weren’t picking up on the clear signs that I wanted you to tickle me? Do you remember that I finally had to say something to you directly to get you to understand that?”

Bakugou growled. “But you see the signs. You get it! Why not just tell them?”

“I know you may not understand this, since you’ve been distancing yourself from them for a while now,” Kiri continued, “but they’re just as traumatized as you are.”

“I am not traumatized.”

“Katsuki.”

The use of his first name gave the blonde pause. He let out a frustrated sigh and crossed his arms. “Yeah, so it freaked me out. But who cares? I’m over it now; can’t you guys see that?”

“They care. I care. All of us care. Bakugou, we just don’t want to scare you like that again. We don’t want to tickle you again until you’re comfortable with it.��

“Again – I’m being as obvious as I can.”

“But you’re not communicating with words.”

“Actions speak louder.”

Kirishima smiled sadly at him and shook his head. “Sorry, but this is one time you’ll have to actually talk to us.”

Bakugou glared. “You want me to ask for it?”

“That’s the only way we’ll know for sure that it’s okay.”

“Forget it.” The blonde turned on his heel and yanked open the door. “I’m not desperate like you were. I don’t even miss it. I don’t like being tickled anyway. Better for me!” Then he slammed it shut behind him and stormed right back to his own room, slamming that door, too.

Yet another thing Bakugou hated: he did miss it. For some stupid reason he couldn’t put his finger on, the thought of his friends never tickling him again actually bothered him. He couldn’t stand the thought of never being forced to chill out or cheer up, to laugh it all away without a care in the world.

They wanted him to ask? Yeah, right. It was like they didn’t know him at all.

A couple of nights later, Bakugou wandered around the dorms, looking for them. He figured they had to be together somewhere, since Denki had mentioned something about studying earlier. He looked all over the common areas and public gathering spots but came up empty. Finally, with a growl, he pulled out his phone.

Bakugou: Where are you all?

Kirishima: Sero’s room. Science. You in?

Sero’s room. The place it all began. Bakugou pocketed his phone and made his way to the dorm in question, lifting his hand to knock and then pausing. If I do this, there’s no taking it back, he thought, frowning. They’ll know I missed it. They’re idiots, but they’re not that stupid. He took a breath, let it out in a huff, and knocked. Screw it. They’ve already seen me at my weakest. I have nothing to lose.

Kirishima called to him from inside, and with that invitation, Bakugou swung open the door, closed it behind him, and announced, “Listen up, morons. I’m only going to say this once. What you did was awful and scary and I never want to go through it again, but I’m sick and tired of being on edge around you all the time. I want things to go back to the way they were before all this nonsense started, so just tickle me already, dang it!”

The room went dead silent.

Bakugou glared at the floor, waiting. He could feel the others looking at each other, trying to work out to say. It was driving him crazy, but he was determined not to beg them for it, so he stayed right where he was.

Finally, after a long minute, Mina spoke. “Bakugou…are you sure?”

The blonde stayed silent.

Sero spoke next. “We never had a chance to tell you properly, but we’re really sorry for what we did. We should have listened when you told us to stop. We should have respected your boundaries.”

The blonde pressed his lips together, not saying a word.

Next was Kaminari. “We talked about it, and we promised ourselves – and you by extension – that we wouldn’t tickle you again until you said you were comfortable with it. And we want you to think of a safe word, so we don’t accidentally go too far again.”

At this, Bakugou looked up. “A safe word? The heck?”

“Todoroki and I use one,” Kiri offered. “That way I can beg as much as I want to without him stopping, but as soon as I say the word he’ll stop. And vice versa, of course.”

Bakugou stared at the redhead. “You guys use a safe word? Seriously? What is it, ‘manly’?”

Kiri shot him a smirk. “That’s for us to know, I’m afraid. You’ll have to think of your own.”

The room went silent again as Bakugou looked away, silently contemplating how to go about getting them to tickle him again without actually asking for it. No way was he going to ask.

“Fine, whatever,” he said at last, stepping further into the room. “I’m giving you permission, morons. Don’t waste it. And I don’t give a crap what the safe word is. It can be ‘homework’ for all I care.”

“Ah-ah, can’t have that one,” Kiri said teasingly. “It’s taken.”

“Seriously? That’s what you went with?”

Mina hummed. “How about…red? It’s a classic stoplight scenario. Green for go, yellow for slow down, red for stop.” She and the others looked at Bakugou expectantly.

He nodded. “Yeah, fine. Red means stop. Like, seriously, stop.”

The others nodded as well. “Got it.”

Another silence fell; an awkward one this time. Kiri, Mina, and the others all looked at each other, then up at Bakugou’s looming form.

“Uh, so,” Denki asked, “did you want us to tickle you now?”

Bakugou grunted. “Well, it would be kind of stupid if you didn’t after getting all sentimental about it.”

Kiri stood up and approached him, grinning. For a moment Bakugou tensed and almost changed his mind, but then his friend took him by the shoulders and said, “Give us the magic word.”

“What? Green?” Bakugou frowned, then growled when it hit him what Kirishima meant. “You cannot be serious.”

“We’re completely serious. We said we wouldn’t until you asked. So if you want it, ask us.”

Bakugou grumbled under his breath, glanced his friends waiting hopefully for him on the floor, then at Kirishima’s beaming face, and finally – just this once – he caved.

“…please.”

Kiri chuckled. “Aww, you want us to tickle you that bad?”

“Do not start with me, you little – hey!” Bakugou threw his hands up to protect himself as he catapulted to the floor, tossed by Kiri’s strength directly into the waiting arms of the rest of their friends. No sooner had he landed than he felt fingers wiggling in his sides, stomach, and ribs, making him giggle involuntarily and curl up defensively. “Hehehehehehehey! Gahk! Pfft-wahahahait, wait, stahahahahahahap!”

“Say red if you mean it,” Mina teased, though her touch lightened slightly. “That’s why we wanted you to have a safe word, since you tell us to stop so much.”

“Agh! Wehehehehell I hahahahven’t said it yet, have I?” Bakugou shot back, squealing when someone brushed over his sweet spot. He blushed but refused to cover his face.

“Aww, he really does want us to tickle him!”

“Shuhuhuhuhuhut up, Pihihihinky! NO!!” Suddenly he began thrashing, feeling a jolt of both panic and excitement when someone else – presumably Sero – pulled his arms above his head and sat on them, pinning him down and exposing his worst spots all at once. Denki and Mina sat on either side of him, scribbling and tickling his sides, stomach, and ribs, while Sero reached over him to scratch at his underarms and Kirishima grabbed at his thighs, grinning like a gremlin. “Frick – no! At leheheheheast ehehehehehease me into it, ihihihihidiots!”

“But we’ve missed tickling you so much,” Mina cooed.

“And we have a lot of time to make up for,” Sero said.

“So you’d better get comfortable,” Denki teased, “because until you say ‘red,’ you’re going to be here for a while.”

All at once Bakugou was back at the moment that started this chain of events, pinned helplessly to the floor as his friends tickled him until he was screaming and laughing and begging for mercy. The difference now was that Kirishima was here, and all of them were being careful, and he had a way to get out of it this time.

If he really wanted to.

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bronanlynch · 4 years ago

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bi-weekly-ish media roundup bc damn weeks just get shorter and shorter huh can’t believe Christmas is literally in a week and I have not gotten one (1) single present for anyone, sorry to all of my various friends and loved ones unfortunately I have not been aware of the passage of time recently

listening: have been listening to the new tswift album bc I am not immune to (gestures at all that) however I will have more fun talking about the Sleeping At Last cover of I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers which has like, the exact opposite energy of the original. normally this is a thing I hate about covers, when they suck all the energy out of a song that ought to be a bop. however this is so wild that I kinda dig it. and yes despite regularly listening to and enjoying the music of both Sleeping At Last and Sleeping With Sirens I did originally type the wrong band name. in my brain Sleeping At Last, Sleeping With Sirens, and Taking Back Sunday are all the same band called Sleeping Through Sunday

youtube

reading: finished reading Steel Crow Saga which I talked about a while ago and then set down and didn’t have the correct brain energy to pick up again for a bit. it was good, I enjoyed it, I’m glad I read it, I was a little bit disappointed by the ending but also I think that endings are hard so it’s fair that not everything sticks the landing, y’know? I just think things weren’t wrapped up as well as I would’ve liked, there is a major romantic relationship that I didn’t see coming and didn’t feel earned, and the pacing got a bit uneven at the end, and also my favorite character (who is objectively a minor and not especially sympathetic character but who is my favorite by virtue of being one of the very very few trans mlm characters in fantasy, especially fantasy not set in the real world) should’ve gotten any sort of ending at all to his arc. look I just think if someone is dating one of the main characters, and then they have a falling out but he’s still in love with him to the point that his feelings for his ex can be used to talk him out of fulfilling his main life goal, there should be some sort of closure for that. they should interact again, ever, maybe, instead of never seeing each other again and the main character suddenly being in love with a woman whose relationship I read as platonic up until the point they started confessing feelings to each other. also the trans character is real fuckin defensive and assumes people are judging him for being trans, which is a bit of worldbuilding that is never elaborated on which I found kind of jarring considering that being gay is completely normalized and no one ever makes any kind of issue out of either that m/m relationship or the f/f relationship between the two other main characters. someday I will find a transmasc mlm in a non-real world fantasy story who doesn’t let me down

watching: Supernatural, unfortunately. I could legitimately write a dissertation on The Gender Of It All but I will restrain myself. maybe someday I’ll make like, a wordpress or something specifically to write my fucking academic treatise on gender & violence in CW’s Supernatural but for now most of my thoughts go directly into Zan’s DMs

playing: finally picked up my Dishonored replay again, eventually got out of the Flooded District, had some very important revelations about parallels between Daud/Outsider/Corvo and several of my favorite dynamics from Friends at the Table’s Seasons of Hieron. I’m sure I had more to say but now I cannot think of a single thing other than like, Dishonored good. I spent most of the day at work yesterday strategizing about how I was gonna get through the rest of the mission where you have to infiltrate the pub to figure out where those fuckers took Emily, only to have such a bad headache when I got home that I couldn’t play at all

making: for once something very exciting! strained the mead that’s been fermenting for the past six (6) months. so here’s the unstrained mead, we used a balloon with holes in it instead of the proper kind of stopper you’re supposed to use for homebrewing because it works just as well and also it’s a lot cheaper. we did have to do curbside pickup from party city because that was the only way we could acquire balloons at that point in the pandemic shutdown

and here’s what it looks like in a glass

this is what a gallon of mead looks like, the picture is a bit blurry but all of the clearer pictures show the apartment chore chart in the background and I don’t want to dox my housemates

writing: allegedly I am still a person who writes things but I have not made progress on anything that I should be working on lately, including the things with deadlines. so that’s fine

#dreaming.txt #content warning for pictures of alcohol #for reasons of my pretentious homebrewing hobby

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blookmallow · 5 years ago

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skyrim misadventures, ft Weird Magic Stuff, a determined spite mission, and some spooky encounters

-----

still absolutely love this guy

[me, the leader of the brotherhood, who just assassinated the fucking emperor a few weeks ago] oh we’re not, huh

sighs i really want to do the thieves guild storyline but i dont want to work with the slimeball scam elixir guy to run a decent dude out of business for no reason... i like brand-shei hes my friend :(

i might not go through with it on this file, i definitely will with my khajiit though if nothing else

i know having a khajiit thief character is way obvious lmao but

nice

NICE

i forget which quest this was but I FOUND A SKELETON DRAGON????? IVE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE

holy SHIT thats so many skeletons

i got SO many skulls in here

i also found this spooky hand, but couldnt figure out anything to do with it yet, unless its just here for Ominous Mage Experiments Gone Wrong purposes

anyway all this was on a quest to find the augur, which nobody wanted to talk about and kept going “ohh yeah.... he Used To Be a student.... until..... The Accident” and i was losing my MIND trying to imagine what kind of horrific thing this guy got turned into but then i finally found him and

:/ hes just a big glowy ball

which, i mean, is cool and all, but i was hoping for like, a dude who turned himself inside out or became some eldritch horror or something

through all these winterhold quests i started finally getting half decent at magic (not like, Good, but acceptably ok) and decided to finally go back for that one disastrous cidnha mine quest ive been avoiding

you get thrown in the markarth prison mines with nothing and gotta find a way to escape, which can be accomplished without too much trouble if you band together with your fellow inmates, however, they are fucking forsworn and will start murdering everyone near them once they escape with you

i dont know if that keeps you stuck with a bounty in markarth or not, but i REALLY didnt want to release the forsworn leader out into the world, or be friends with those fuckers, or ruin my reputation, or risk civilian casualties even though theres not really that many people i care particularly about in markarth now that muiri is safe is solitude, so. i had previously just reloaded a save and ignored the quest for ages

because like. i dont think you Can get out on your own and if you try to turn on them and fight once you make your escape its REALLY hard to survive bc they outnumber you and you dont have any armor or anything other than like, shitty prison shivs

however: the guards cannot take away your magic or your shouts, so

this time i was fucking ready, i have the ability to summon a FRIEND now to fight with me (i dont know what would’ve happened if i had a companion with me during this mess but like. i can Make one), i learned how to make a magic sword so id at least have some kind of halfway decent weapon, and ive got healing magic

cool dragon powers also help (this was from. later on bc i have my stuff in this shot but)

this was still hard as shit, lucien got defeated pretty early on, and with no magicka potions its really hard to keep healing while fighting but i eventually fucking DID IT, i killed every single forsworn prisoner including madanach, and escaped myself (which granted me a pardon and some kind of special ring i dont care about from the silverbloods)

i mentioned this misadventure to my dad later and he legitimately didnt know it was even possible to do this lmao i was VERY determined not to help the forsworn ever in any way

those guys ruin my day every five minutes when im out anywhere near their camps even if i try to avoid them like the plague i hate them!!

i kept the shivs though and later discovered

you can enchant them

LOOK at this cavern!!!!!!!

also i ran into a fucking headless horseman ??????

i didnt even know he was there until i heard lucien unsheathing his weapon when he saw it behind me and i looked to see what he was concerned about

i followed him for ages like halfway across the map but eventually i had so many bandits and wolves and also a dragon chasing after me i lost sight of him after a while :’| WILD though

not that im ever going to sell it but i cant help noticing the blade of woe is worth 666 gold,

cicero’s always mentioning he wants skyforge steel so i bought him a skyforge dagger and enchanted it for him (i think i put silent moons enchantment on it, i forget), finally remembered to give it to him but didnt take back the other dagger i gave him before to see if he’d pick which one he wants to use and here he is using his new one.... baby likes his present im so glad,

granted its probably just like, an automatic npc thing to just use whatever weapon has the best stats but i like to think he likes it

he still says the line all the time he doesn’t have like. special dialogue if you Do give him skyforge steel or anything but still

anyway i also had this mission going for boethiah where i was supposed to. bring her a sacrifice, essentially. which, yeah, ok, obvious bad idea, but im already an assassin, whats the difference at this point right

my first thought was to go hire a random mercenary at windhelm, since many of the most unpleasant people in skyrim seem to live there, and i figured the chances were pretty good hes racist and insufferable like the others

but we ended up killing a dragon together and god damn it hes actually a nice guy, i like him :’) so we’re friends now after all

however, boethiah still needed a sacrifice, and. there’s this drunk guy in markarth you can hire after you defeat him in a brawl, and. he doesn’t seem to have a lot going on in his life other than shit tons of mead, so. i figured he’d do :’ )

holy FUCK

i dont regret carrying out this quest bc like... A) it was really cool and B) -

i eventually got this fuckin SICK armor out of it that ups my stealth while actually being pretty legit defense, and it poisons any enemies that come near me but somehow doesnt poison friendly npcs which is WILD and incredibly convenient for when im getting mobbed but dont want to accidentally murder whatever companion i have with me at the time

i do feel bad about sacrificing cosnach though like. he was little more than a random drunk guy but that doesn’t mean he deserved it, y’know :’ ) i couldn’t find anyone i hated that would also follow me though

also i later discovered on the wiki you can actually marry that guy, and im just like. why, out of all the options you have in skyrim, would you go for “random drunk dude who gets in bar fights”

i dunno maybe he grows on you if you fight with him for a while but i didnt want to get attached again :’)

i found wisps??? i think?????? i couldnt figure out any way to interact with them but they glow and bounce around and i LOVE them

woah!!!!!!

i. dont remember what was in there but apparently the wisps really wanted me to find it

(i do remember getting stuck in this room and couldn’t figure out how to get the door to open though so i just kinda backtracked and left the way i came in, dunno if i missed anything important or if it was just an alternate way out that i couldnt figure out)

#lucy plays skyrim

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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago

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I'm not the anon from last night, about Ionaperidot's story, but no offense I kind of feel it shows how you are pretty quick to judge stuff. And that's maybe why people have such strong reactions to your posts about Ao3. Nobody likes seeing the stuff they like criticized and you're no exception so I would hope it'd be understandable that when people do respect your opinions on stuff & they see you shutting down things they like without giving it a full chance, it does seem kind of hypocritical.

LOL. Quick question.

Are you freaking KIDDING me?

Okay, see this is EXACTLY what I was trying to avoid and why I was doing my best to be vague and circumspect last night and shift the topic away from just that story in particular, because I’m actually not out here trying to start things about other writer’s work just because they did something that bugged me. I’m blunt as hell. If I want to say something, I say it. If I want to condemn something, I condemn it. If I want to criticize something, I criticize it.

I don’t play games about this shit and so I was legitimately TRYING to refrain from going into specific issues I had with a specific piece of fanfic. But what I’m not gonna do, is sit here and be told I’m a hypocrite who doesn’t give things enough of a chance before forming my admittedly strong opinions, because LMFAO.

You want the truth? I actually read a LOT of that particular story, AND even checked back in on its sequel in the hopes it’d addressed the specific issue that killed my enjoyment for it, because I WANTED to enjoy it, I enjoyed a LOT about it and how the other characters’ stories were played out.

My specific issue with that story ONLY arose at the point when Bruce stopped his research into trying to find a way to undo the Talon changes to Dick...on TIM AND JASON’S RECOMMENDATION. One of the things I actually really loved about the fic before that was how much it prioritized the personal agency of the kids as they coped with their various traumas, such as when Bruce made a conscious effort to let J’onzz ONLY use his telepathy enough to let JASON make the choice if he wanted a ‘quick/sci-fi fix’ to his brain damage related issues, or if he wanted to heal from it naturally and organically and in his own time.

But all of that went out the window with Dick and Dick’s character alone, as the good Batdad who prioritized letting every one of his other kids heal naturally in their own time and on their own ways....listened to his two teenagers’ take that it would be too damaging for Bruce to undo the Talon changes to Dick, as they and the ways it had changed his brain were in THEIR OPINION the only things that made him able to cope with what he’d done as a Talon. Let me reiterate. Two teenagers with acknowledged mental health issues AND their own personal skews to how they viewed Dick that were born entirely of the version of him THEY’D known in their alternate universes....were given the deciding vote on how Dick was allowed - or rather not allowed - a full range of options in whether or not he got to heal from his trauma naturally and organically - the way they were allowed to.

That was what I was not okay with. That wasn’t their call to make, it wasn’t their opinion Bruce should have sought - especially not when he’s got alternate reality tech that gave him access to multiple other versions of DICK to ask HIS OWN ACTUAL OPINION on what he could or could not cope with. His own reality had a grown up version of Dick Bruce could have consulted. He could have asked the Dick from Tim’s universe when he visited. He could have asked the Red Hood version of Jason to ask his Dick. He could have kept searching through universes until he found a version of Dick who HAD been a Talon, and who found a way to undo the Talon changes...and ask HIM if he was glad he’d done so or if he regretted it and should have stayed the way he was.

But none of those things happened, or were even considered or raised as potential avenues of exploration, and even though I gave the fic a good long while after that before calling it quits in the hopes that it was leading up to somebody pointing out that there was a clear double standard underlying the logic used there....eventually it just seemed more and more like the reason Dick’s storyline was treated differently was because it allowed for keeping him as ‘cute and little and kinda broken’ and thus made it unlikely that he was ever going to grow up to be much like other versions of Dick...and thus unlikely to ever take any kind of lead in the family dynamics, which here would potentially ‘take away’ from say, Tim’s position in the family. THAT is what bothered me enough to quit the story. That a fic that was so fundamentally about mental health and recovery and allowing traumatized children the courtesy of applying their own damn agency to their methods of recovery....didn’t blink about doing the exact opposite to one specific character who’s noted for more usually occupying the position in the family ‘hierarchy’ that others were now able to occupy instead....and that seemed to me like the kind of character preference - that while totally understandable - is a mistake to allow to play out in a story with these SPECIFIC themes.

(Also, I’ve been pretty damn regular about expressing that I personally have a huge problem with the trope that Dick is ‘too good/too pure/too filled with light’ to ever kill, and that being made fully aware of what he’d done in the past would have broken him in the story...like, obviously falls into all my issues with that particular trope.

I hate that it off-handedly implies that every character that HAS killed as a child, like Damian or Cass or even Jason whose first kills happened while he was a teenager....like, it basically suggests that they’re fundamentally LESS good, LESS pure, LESS filled with light....or else they would never have been able to kill in the first place, or else would have somehow been damaged or broken or irreparably LESSENED by doing so. And I think that throws all of THEM under the bus, rather than actually doing anything to uplift Dick’s character or express anything positive.

Honestly, its just another form of infantilizing him. Especially when you consider that per Last Laugh, he has killed in canon and he ALREADY WORKED THROUGH having killed someone...like, it literally happened. On panel. It wasn’t easy, it did affect him, he did angst about it, but it didn’t fundamentally CHANGE him as a person or make him any LESS of who he’d been before.....and all of that is just further reason why I push back against the idea that Dick ‘just couldn’t kill someone ever’ or the tendency to sweep Last Laugh and what happened with the Joker under the rug.

Because it doesn’t actually do Dick or his character any favors. Actually, its more that while nominally its said to be in defense of him and his character....its really more like people are saying ‘Dick can’t HANDLE killing someone’ - especially when you consider how much fandom as a whole celebrates and glorifies the characters who are able to kill in the name of victims and obviously doesn’t see it as a slight against Jason and others).

So yeah, THAT was my real issue with the story and why I dropped it and what I was trying to refrain from spelling out because I’m actually NOT out here trying to tell everyone what to think and DIDN’T have any interest in trying to turn people off the story or give them reason not to read it and form their own opinions about it, without mine clouding the issue.

But fuck that, if its gonna just lead to people giving me shit about how I don’t give things enough of a chance before making a judgment call against them, because lol actually, the last time I peeked in on that series was just two weeks ago, where I skimmed the latest updates to the sequel in the hopes that maybe the introduction of Roy had brought that issue to light, like he compared this Dick to the one he’d known and disagreed with their assessment of what Dick could or couldn’t handle, or else at least just flat out said no version of Dick he knew would ever be okay with his brothers deciding for him what he was capable of overcoming and what he needed to be protected from. Especially not if the end result was going to leave him permanently altered by what his abusers had done to him.

So...is THAT having given the story enough of a chance before forming a ‘snap judgment’? Did I do it right, per your official overview of the situation? Or should I still be reading it and waiting to form an opinion, same as I apparently should be still waiting for SOMETHING before deciding that....I don’t like how people react to criticism of Ao3?

Idk, I mean, maybe I actually AM pretty consistent about the things I do and say and post about and believe. And maybe the problem ISN’T that I’m kinda hypocritical.

Maybe its just that like you said, nobody likes seeing stuff they like criticized, and rather than working through that for yourself, you’ve decided to make it MY problem, SPECIFICALLY.

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mysticpenguincreation · 6 years ago

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So I’ve watched (partially) leaked episodes of American Gods and there is no way I’m not gonna post about it.

Clear and explicit spoilers are under the cut, so read away at your own risk.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

This is going to be mainly about the one and only, my love #1 Mad Sweeney.

Before I get down to business, I have to make some points clear.

1. In my opinion, AG is one of the BEST shows to grace our screens in many many long years, because:

It’s based on Neil Gaiman novel.

Storytelling is compelling.

Have you seen the editing? The lights and colors? The camera work?! This shit is AMAZING. There are few things I like more about the shows than good editing and visual aesthetics. And this right here? It’s pure pleasure.

The casting and acting is mind-blowing.

2. I know better than fixate on only one character, because the whole plot, the story in general is so much more than fate of one character (even if they’re the lead).

With that being stated in advance, I would like to clarify that AG is a complex story created through crossing paths of many different characters. It’s not about Mr. Wednesday, it’s not even about Shadow Moon and it’s sure as hell is not about Mad Sweeney.

But the latest was the reason why I was renewing AG and his tags this whole fucking week. So when THREE episodes (INCLUDED the one dedicated to Sweeney) were leaked in my country at three in the morning, I, tired from work and lack of sleep, naturally decided to give middle finger to my master’s thesis and watch them.

Unfortunately, I am no god and have basic human needs, so I’ve only watched parts regarding Sweeney, but I’m sure as hell watching whole episodes later.

And finally to the points:

Episode 2x05.

Sweeney thinking at first that Laura was an angel made me laugh so hard.

She was so fucking jealous of him, when he was flirting with this blonde girl! And then he looked right at Laura!!! He knew what he was doing and it was working!

He was so fucking jealous when this voodoo couple started to get sexy with Laura! Oh how he didn’t like it!

Let me tell you, this scene made me hot all over. He’s savage, huge and built like a brick wall. I’d climb this fine piece of fairy-godlike king any day any time.

At first I was disappointed because ‘THE HELL! So it was JUST the Horde and Sweeney’s deepest desires?! They’re gonna go and fuck different people’. I’d ideally prefer them to fuck each other, at the lack of better option this happening in an orgy, but to become swingers without actually having sex even once? C’mon guys! But my fears were in vain, eventually everything happened the way it should have happened.

Laura is so smol and Sweeney is HUGE. They’re outing my (enormous) size kink / height/built difference kink.

This scene was what I was anticipating since midseason 1 and I FINALLY GOT IT GODDAMIT!

First few seconds of ‘the morning after’ were just too damn hilarious.

Sweeney is not good at dealing with his shit, but Laura confirmed that she is way way worse. She didn’t know how to deal with him, this situation and her (or his for this matter) feelings anymore. So she fled and hurt my ginger giant bb in the process.

Episode 2x06.

There is no Laura or Sweeney in this one, so I skipped through it in like 5 min and understood next to nothing.

HOWEVER! This ep. featured my beautiful love #2 Tech Boy (a sight for sore eyes). In one of his recent interviews Bruce said that Tech Boy is a God of Technology, but technology can be many things. Like for our ancestors a sharp stone fixated on the end of the stick was already a technology. So maybe Tech Boy’s purpose is to renovate and update himself in accordance with the change of times. Maybe ithat’s what let him pass as the “New God”, when in reality he might be one of the oldest of the “Old Gods”. It’s an interesting theory and a glimpse of it is shown in ep. 6 through Tech Boy and Wednesday’s (!!!) common history, but in order to understand it I had to watch it, and now I have to prioritize and simply don’t have time for that. Though, my beautiful Tech Boy, I’m glad that you can show up at the most of unexpected of times and give me feels, when there’s not even one Sweeney within a mile.

Episode 2x07.

WHERE TO BEGIN!

In order to write this AND get some sleep I had to skip some parts of Sweeney’s story too, so please forgive me for any misunderstandings.

Of course I read all the theories based on what was in the book and how it correlated with the story in the show now. I was impatiently waiting and dreading this episode at the same time.

This ep. Sweeney was all about destruction and madness. More so than usual. He was unhinged and I loved him about it.

So much self-loathing. It was so brilliant I couldn’t watch it.

The fact that Sweeney couldn’t remember his own story was just plainly terrifying. When people loose faith in you and forget you it’s one thing. But when you loose faith in yourself so much that you can’t remember who you are anymore is depressing and legitimately scary.

He must have been freaking out of his fucking mind cause of constantly seeing Banshees. He might have told Shadow not to interfere, but he instantly knew that this time these women were crying for him.

I was happy to see that once, long long time ago he was loved. He knew what true happiness was. Even if we had to watch him fall so far (NOT HIS FAULT BY THE WAY).

I loved every single verbal drop about Sweeney caring for (possibility being nuts deep in love with) Laura:

How he couldn’t get it up for hot redheaded voodoo queen until she called him out on it.

How he was broken and laughing madly under this bridge about Laura leaving him AGAIN.

I hate Wednesday guts, but he saw right through Sweeney with this one eye of his. ‘She fucked you, broke your heart and left you’. Cruel, but hit too close to home.

Conversation with Salim. Sweeney: ‘It’s his fight, not yours. You don’t have to die. Just go and leave it all behind’. Salim: ‘No, I’m staying with him’. ‘Why?’ ‘I guess it’s what love is’. ‘Would he have done the same for you if the roles were reversed? What if someone ordered him to kill you? Would he have done that [while loving you]?’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Ugh, nothing. Forget it’. Like come on!!! This conversation takes place RIGHT AFTER Wednesday orders Sweeney to “finish his job” and kill Laura for good. Sweeney and Salim are talking about love and loved ones and what they would/wouldn’t have done for them! Sweeney’s implying Laura and love in one sentence! It’s the most explicit articulate closest to confession thing that we got from Sweeney aside from multiple defensive Fuck you’s said to different people and longing glances when she isn’t looking.

Little side note: Salim might be the sweetest person in the world but I wanted to punch him in the face so hard, when he said that it’s pointless to explain the concept of love to someone who’s never felt it. I know that Sweeney was never nice to him, but it’s rich coming from human to go and assume something about a creature that’s walked this Earth for centuries. You don’t know him well enough. So, please, kindly shut up.

(8) The bloodbath scene from times when Sweeney was a god once was just poetic cinema. I was SO looking forward to it when the trailer came out. Barbaric, savage, courageous, spear-throwing, ripping-out-throats-with-bare-teeth, crushing-skulls-with-bare-hands. Just the way I like them��

(9) Sweeney with ass long red mane dressed in next to nothing but blue paint is the image that burnt into my mind and the reason I was living for.

(10) They fucking did it. They killed him. THEY BROKE ME.

Regarding Sweeney’s death I have QUITE A LOT OF THINGS TO SAY:

I knew it was coming but still hoped they wouldn’t go through with it. As much as it hurts, I respect this decision. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do and cut the cord. Sweeney’s death was in the book. It’s what was necessary for the story to move forward (see point 2 at the beginning of the post). It’s better this way than for his character to be dragged around the story just for fan service (as much as it pains me to admit it, BECAUSE I WANT THIS FAN SERVICE GODDAMIT!).

As far as I know in the book Shadow was indirectly involved in Sweeney’s death. It was honestly the redhead’s fault only. The way he went out was pathetic, so I’m glad that they changed it according with the development of tv character.

Shadow. You fucking gave your word. Not. To. Interfere. Fine, I get it, you’re Wednesday’s man, you have to protect him (even after Sweeney reveled the whole truth, seriously, Shadow?!), BUT DON’T GO POKE AT PEOPLE WITH A GIGANTIC POINTY STICK IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO ISE IT!!! I know it was an accident, he didn’t truly MEAN it, but maybe it even makes it worse.

This ‘I’m sorry’, I can’t even discuss it. Sorry doesn’t fucking cut it, Shadow!!!

I know that people say that Shadow’s speech at Sweeney’s wake is a beautiful part of the book, but with the way things turned out in the show, I don’t think that Shadow deserves to make this speech.

Sweeney, my bb went out like a fucking champ. Ruining old fart’s plans and taking the spear somewhere he can never reach it anymore. My hero ❤️ I hope Wednesday didn’t foresee it and it wasn’t another grand part of his plans. I want Sweeney to fuck him up good. He died because he didn’t want to be Wednesday’s bitch and I wouldn’t want him to be that especially in his death.

I wish Laura could see it with her own eyes. The last big FUCK YOU from Mad Sweeney.

In conclusion:

Mad Sweeney was barely on Old Gods’ side, I bet he would have gone minding his own business if it wasn’t for Wednesday’s debt.

With Sweeney gone now, fuck the Old Gods, I’m going to the New Gods’ side.

But at the same time Tech Boy is “deleted” or “fired” or whatever.

So basically now, I don’t really give a shit who wins now and who loses. They can kill each other until no one’s left, for all I care.

AG is still great and moving forward.

I’m still interested in the story, but I can’t bring myself to be invested anymore.

SIDE NOTES:

I know better than to hope, but I need a reaction out of Laura regarding Sweeney’s death.

It’ll probably never happen, but I hope Laura will crush Shadow’s nuts.

And spears Mr. Wednesday.

I wonder how Laura’s undead state will be affected now with Sweeney and his horde and his magic gone. Will his lucky coin work the same?

Laura is capable of surviving and protecting herself. She needs no one to do that for her. But Sweeney was ready to run to her, do anything for her as soon as she snapped her fingers. How much will it affect her? Will she appreciate him now?

I might have had some other notes, but I’ve tried for 2,5 hours to carefully and logically arrange this post without insulting any character TOO MUCH and now my brain’s exploding.

Please, feel free to talk to me about the FEELS, because I’m heartbroken and don’t know how to deal with it.

#american gods #mad sweeney #buile suibhne #the leprechaun #tech boy #spoiler

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man-i-dont-know · 7 years ago

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BNHA Chpater 177 & 178: Thoughts and Spoilers

Alright, I really haven’t been meaning to do these double chapter reviews, but I’ve been busy. Unfortunately I will remain busy for the next 3-4 weeks. I will try to get out posts of manageable size or possibly just post more diverse content but I’ll figure that out later. For now, let’s get right into these chapters.

Old man with awesome, blocky character design saw the tail end of the accident and is surprisingly chill with it. La Brava tries to throw him off by saying they are just filming something (with a land of quirks, minor explosions could legitimately just be written off as something normal). Despite this, La Brava knows the ruse won’t last long and wants Gentle to retreat. Deku and Gentle are in a “stand” off in the construction site, and they strike up a conversation. Gentle still wants to continue with the operation and Deku wants to know what he plans to do. La Brava eventually gets there and believes that Gentle is “begging for his life.” As the conversation geos on, Gentle just digs himself a bigger hole while trying to barter his way out of the situation. I say that like he is putting in genuine effort but really he’s saying “nah we won’t ruin the festival, we’ll get in without setting off the alarms and everyone wins.” When they realize neither side will budge, the fight really begins.

Gentle makes the whole construction site elastic, and is bouncing around so erratically that Deku can’t predict how Gentle will move. Gentle gets a pot shot or two off on Deku and loosens a girder that may fall on the old guy who is still around watching the “movie.” Deku intervenes and catches the falling girder (damn, like even with One for All Full Cowl, Deku is really getting jacked). Deku is appalled by this action but Gentle says he really wasn’t planning on hitting the old man, but he knew that the hero wouldn’t be able to take that chance. Even though Deku is jacked, it takes a lot of effort to hold the girder, and Gentle takes this opportunity to put some distance between them and head towards UA. The scene then cuts to what is happening at UA.

The band is nervous (Bakugou hasn’t put on the Class 1-A band shirt yet), the dancers are in their costumes, and Aoyama is in his hero suit (probably easier to handle his quirk that way). Several of them are taking not of the fact that Deku hasn’t come back yet. 15 minutes until the start of the festival.

Gentle has launched himself and La Brava towards the school, and Deku pulls off a rad move. Lifts the girder above his head with one arm, and with the free arm lets off a finger flick shock wave after the two airborne criminals. They manage to dodge, but they are both worried by his persistence and La Brava feels like she may have to use her quirk. Dun dun daaaaaa! Cliff hanger ending. The only good thing about these double chapter posts is I can step right over some cliff hangers.

We start with more festival happenings. Class 1-B is there meeting Kendo who is not participating in their mega-movie-mashup play because she is in the beauty pageant. Monoma is making fun of her a bit but there might be a compliment hidden in there somewhere? Kendo and Nejire show some great sportsmanship and hope the best for each other. Then that other girl that Nejire mentioned some chapters ago who won last year shows up, her name is excessively long so I’ll call her Eyelashes. Eyelashes is confident. We see Mirio, Aizawa, and everyone’s favorite, Eri (well at least mine, and I will fight you on that), are in a taxi headed to UA, and Eri is excited to see Deku. Honestly, Eri just needs to be adopted right now. Hatsume is ready for her robotics exhibit. All Might and Midnight are talking about how Deku got a permission slip to go off campus to buy some last minute supplies.

Deku gets out from under the girder successfully and continues his pursuit after he left sufficient evidence for the next person that something weird has happened here (put some rods on one of Gentle’s midair trampolines). Gentle tells La Brava not to use her quirk, not yet, it is for the escape. Deku switches into ultra high alert mode and Gentle is shocked that Deku closed so much space so quickly. Gentle puts up a barrier between them, and here is what I mean by ultra high alert mode: Deku remembered the placement of the trampolines as Gentle made a safe landing, and uses them to propel himself forward so quickly that Deku is behind the two of them hardly before either can react. Unfortunately, Gentle does react and puts up another barrier. Fortunate Deku is so freaking smart that he bounces the shock wave off the first barrier in an incredible bank shot that gets around their defenses and knocks Gentle to the ground. Deku switches around and pounces on the two of them and manages to restrain them with his Full Cowl strength (like I know he’s jacked with a powerful quirk, but Deku, a freshman in high school, is restraining a full grown man with one hand and maybe a leg. Gym goals). As this happens, we see some La Brava back story.

She was a recluse. She at least finished middle school, maybe high school(?), but was crushed by the insensitive rudeness of someone she genuinely liked. It went beyond insensitive and calling her a stalker, but because of the framing of the back story, we aren’t totally sure if that is a valid comment or not, I’ll let y’all decide based on your own opinions of Brava. While she was a recluse, she stumbled upon a video made by Gentle, and she was immediately attached to him. We’ve already seen how she approached him, out of the blue saying that she was a huge fan, but we also see a bit of slice of life. Making tea, working a camera, teaching Gentle how to use the internet, running from cops, you know, normal things. We even see that Gentle changed his style to match La Brava’s, but this I mean he just straight up sharpied his eyes to match La Brava’s eyeliner (at least I believe it was a sharpie, I don’t think eyeliner comes in marker shape but I don’t know). In the present, Deku says he is going to turn them in right this instant, and La Brava takes this opportunity to tell Gentle that she loves him. And her quirk activates.

Love. As simple and metaphorical (and maybe a bit cheesy) as it is, La Brava’s power allows her to infuse power into a person she loves. Gentle has been granted a boost of strength equivalent to how much La Brava loves him, and with this strength, Gentle frees himself and Brava from beneath Deku and goes onto the offensive. Gentle is giving off smoke that we had seen before when he was first introduced, and I’ll be honest, I do love it when a character has so much strength that they radiate it in some way, smoke, aura, electricity, etc. Gentle has heart smoke. Gentle flipped Deku like a pancake and goes to knock him out with a chop to the neck, saying “love always wins.” Deku is curled on the ground, but he blocked the chop with his arm, Deku ain’t having none of that love power-up BS, he isn’t gonna let a trope defeat him. Deku will not only twist fate, but he will destroy tropes as they come at him. Deku has a shock wave attack ready and is very much still in the fight.

So here are my thoughts. I am worried about this fight. I have no doubt that Deku can win, but with the power up, I’d say that Gentle has quite a bit of physical strength over Deku right now. Sure Deku isn’t using all his strength, but he limits himself to prevent physical injury. at this point, I don’t think Deku is getting out of this without a broken something, and a broken anything is gonna keep him from participating in the festival. I am also concerned about how Deku is reacting to his shock wave attacks. After each one he noticeably lets out a grunt or there is some sound effect about throbbing pain. I think the gloves might be keeping his hands functioning, but he is putting too much strength into it and is hurting himself already. But let’s say Deku gets back up, because that old man may have called for help. Deku getting back up is the best case scenario, it means that he may not have to injure himself drastically to win, but the risk is that his back up is heroes from UA, which means that even though nothing occurred on campus, they may still cancel the festival. Best-best case scenario is Deku gets back up, Gentle is suppressed, and the heroes take advantage of the fact that nothing happened on campus and they let Deku run on over to Class 1-A where they dance and party and the school no longer hates them and Eri is there and Deku’s mom or Aizawa agree to take Eri on as their adopted daughter and everyone is happy and Shigaraki turns himself in and Deku becomes the symbol of peace. But that is the best-best case scenario.... I’d be happy with about half of those things.

I also want to discuss Gentle’s and La Brava a bit. I really like their dynamic a lot, I think La Brava may be obsessive, so that the guy she had a crush on years ago may have had a point in the “stalker” comment, but her intense adoration meshes incredibly well with someone like Gentle who want’s his name carved into history. I believe their relationship is pure (I’m only saying that because I’ve seen one or two posts where people are weired out with their relationship) and it takes the form of an intense fan and a celebrity. La Brava genuinely loves him and is grateful to be with him at all, she is grateful that he pulled her out of her recluse life style and “accepted her as who she was.” And Gentle feels similarly, he is greatly appreciative to La Brava and her devotion, he was something like a starving artist who finally found a critic/person who supported his work. They understand that without each other, both of them would be much worse off in the world. They are lifting each other up and supporting each other, and reading their backstories, I can’t help but feel attached and root for them. It also goes beyond that a bit for me, because neither of them seem like bad people. Their motives are love and justice (maybe fame), however the injustice they fight is in a hard place for the law. Some of the previous villains (Stain) were obviously bad people, but they had a point, others are obviously bad people who don’t seem to have any redeemable point to their actions (most of the rest), however Gentle and La Brava fall under neither of these categories for me. Gentle has seen a genuine problem with the heroes conduct and wants to act to change it, making his name known in the process (the fame part is the only thing that gives me genuine worry). But they----

I was about to say they weren’t bad people, but I’ve been burned in the past with theories like who is good and bad (I didn’t trust Mirio at first and I turned on Aoyama immediately). In truth we don’t really know what they plan to do at UA. I don’t want to say with total authority that he won’t do anything major, just cause some distress in the media and cause trust issues between the public and UA. I still feel that Gentle and La Brava have a good and pure relationship, but I will remain cautious about what they plan to do at UA.

So that is about it. I apologize for writing that last paragraph only to cut away and say something different. I realized during my writing it that swearing by these villains intentions may have consequences. For now I think of them as some lovable goofs with good intentions. I thought about deleting that thought paragraph, but that wouldn’t really be genuine, it was stream of conscious in a way (though I really hate stream of conscious in literature). Thank you for reading this big post, if y’all have suggestions besides “stay on top of it,” I would appreciate some tips on how to manage a blog properly.But for now, during my busy weeks I’ll leave it as is. So thank you for reading and following and in general working through my scattered thoughts. I hope you have a great day.

#bnha spoilers #bnha thoughts #bnha #deku midoriya #bnha gentle #la brava

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preachersooc · 8 years ago

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Lessons in 7 months.

AS goes with everything I post; the opinions therein are my own and of my own design. And also as with everything post, I have music accompanying this mostly for the fact that I need something to listen to.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this but writing is my therapy, as is music. And in my own opinion, you can know the heart of a person, their very soul, more by their writing; by the very words they choose to put to ink, than with words spoken.

(( It’s a playlist and yes, it’s very one sided. * The second song is especially perfect right now*.))

Seven months ago; I left my home, my birth place, my friends and everything I have known in the pursuit of something amazing. I thought it was merely a job, though merely a means in which to secure more of a future for myself, my family. What has transpired has been.. truly life changing in ways I have not foreseen, changing in the way of Lessons.

First Lesson: Who my -real- friends are.

In the past seven months, I’ve realized that I have so many few -real- friends. Not just those from my past who I’ve known nearly all my years but those I’ve met through WoW and the RP Community here on Tumblr, and those I have made through work. Not to mention that my thoughts on what a real friend is have changed drastically. I can count on no more than two hands people I consider -real- friends. Why? Because 85% of the people I have dealt with, both in the past and presently, don’t get me. I am not someone who is going to message all the time, I’m not going to be the person who -always- seems to write first or contact the other person first. If it gets to the point where I start feeling like I am the only one making an effort; I won’t message, I won’t contact, I won’t write about them/to them/etc.

I’ve been accused of being that person; that person that always makes others contact him first, that always forces people to make the first attempt. And they are right, I have been because it slowly became very clear that I had to begin to protect myself from people that used me against myself. Not just my words, not just my actions, but me myself and everything that I am.

My life -now- consists of working at least 60 hours a week, sleeping during the time most people are getting up and working when they are asleep. And people go; where do you find the time to write with this person, or this person, or that person or even write in general? I’ll tell you exactly why it seems like I message or talk or write about other people more than others; because they have proven themselves to be my friends, my -real- friends.

I have one friend from back home that messages me randomly just to say hey and make sure that I’m doing ok, in every aspect. And just being a good friend, I do the same. -That- is a real friend and I’ve learned from that template who on here has a been a real friend: not just for randomly messaging me but also understanding me as a person. I have issues, a lot of ‘em; I could probably beat out Playboy for “ The Most Issues” award but I’ve hidden most of them away. My true friends haven’t needed me to open the book and read the pages to them; they’ve read it from themselves, they’ve made their own conclusions and decisions.

And because of them choosing to read and to choose to allow themselves to carry my issues, just as I would carry theirs, define their character more than any word spoken.

Second Lesson: What I am Capable of.

I have had to put up with so much crap, ranging from benign to down right cancerous both brought on by my decisions as well as others, that I’ve realized just what kind of person I am and what I am able to withstand. From crippling depression that left me crying every night at work, to the feelings of abandonment from everyone I cared about, to the fact I was nearly crippled after having my hand caught in a machine at work; I am a fighter and more importantly, I am a fighter that has survived.

No one’s life is easy, every one has their own story and this is in no means a way to belittle the story of others.

From a very early age, I was raised in a household of all women; women that proceeded to tell me daily how terrible I was, how much of my “father” they saw in me. Every day was a textbook definition on how to break a psyche to the point where even to this day, even if I am not even in the wrong, I apologize for everything. “ I’m sorry” , “ I didn’t mean it”; “ Please don’t leave me”. I’ve grown a lot since then, getting better about the things I do that people have gotten so angry at me for doing. I’ve lost friends because of the.. brainwashing, if you want to call it that, that I’ve endured. Literally, people have become so infuriated with my apologetic nature, my kindness and timidity even at times, that they’ve stopped being my friend.

Hell, because of that I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 17 years old. A real girlfriend; not a kid thing where they have a girl they like and say “ She’s my girlfriend”. But a legitimate girlfriend; and even then I was essentially black listed from my family due to the fact they didn’t like her. The only one that took my side, bothered to even care for me was my aunt who has become a second mother to me.

With everything I’ve endured, I’ll be 30 years old this year. It’s almost sad how much of an accomplishment I believe that to be. I’ve survived; suicide attempts, mental and physical abuse, molestation and depression. I’ve become more forgiving, more patient, more tolerant. I’ve also become somewhat distant, aloof and forgetful. But I’ve survived my scars, I’ve survived my wars and I know that I’ll survive the wars that are coming my way.

Third Lesson: I don’t have to answer to anyone.

This lesson was confusing at first as at first glance, it seems as if I’ve learned that I can’t get in trouble, I’M INVINCIBLE! But no, that’s not what I mean. No, what it means, to me at least, is that I don’t have to give anyone an explanation or a defense for the decisions I make. I don’t have to justify why I do things, why I don’t do things, why I do this or that. There’s only one person, other than my own soul, that I have to answer to and it’s no one here on Earth.

I don’t have to explain why I decided to not go to work tonight, I don’t have to explain why I chose to pursue a Trainer spot even though I knew the shitstorm I was getting into. It’s -my- life and -my- choice. I have had far too many people in my life tell me that I can’t do this, I shouldn’t do that and for the longest time; I listened. They’re right; I can’t do it, I shouldn’t do this and do you know where it left me for the longest time? In a black pit filled with nothing but sorrow, pain, anguish and terror. Terror at what I would do to myself, could do to others and what would eventually drag me down into my grave.

But my way of thinking changed when I realized that they aren’t me, they don’t get to make decisions for me any more. My mother did what she thought was best and now I am doing what I think is best for myself and for my daughter, until such time my daughter is old enough to live out on her own and has the capacity to form more important thoughts other just than “ I love watching Hobbykidstv on youtube”.

Fourth Lesson: Not everyone needs to like me.

A big lesson I had to learn that somewhat goes hand in hand with the previous one as it involves others. It’s stupid, honestly stupid, how long I’ve wasted attempting to make everyone like me. It’s exhausting, infuriating and downright idiotic. I’ve realized that people are going to hate me, people are going to adore me and others are going to be merely neutral. Everything in balance, balance in everything.

I’ve accomplished so much now that I stopped focusing on a need for people to like me because, for me, it’s wasn’t a need; it was addiction. A need is something you need to survive, something that you require to keep your body living. An addiction is a base desire that has run rampant and outta control to the point where it’s no longer a long term event but a required thing in the now, even if it lasts for a moment. Drugs; drugs ruin you long term but in the moment you do them, they bring about a numbing euphoric sense to yourself that even allows you to feel happiness. The happiness is fleeting and ultimately deadening, thus why drug addicts need more and more to get that feeling back.

People’s opinion of me had such a demented sway over me that if I found out if someone on here, someone I had not even the slightest idea who they were, disliked me; it sent me into a spiral and it became an obsession to find out why and how I could fix it. It was a constant, a vicious cycle of a roller coaster that kept me from enjoying life. I’ve seen others here that do the same thing; change up their writing for people, change their characters for others.

Just stop. Don’t become someone that is addicted and -needs- everyone to like them; instead be the person that people want in their lives. Self worth and love don’t come from people, don’t come things; they come from inside us when we realize who we are and make a stand that we aren’t going to change for -anyone-.

Fifth Lesson: Failure is not the same thing as Screwing Up.

I’ve screwed up many times; whooo, many times. But I haven’t failed as I’m still alive.

Failure is an end, it’s a remark to be used to declare the finality of something. You failed a test, the project was a failure and we are terminating it. Failing comes when you stop, when you cease to move toward what you were doing. There’s a famous quote by Thomas Edison said, when asked why he failed 10,000 times on trying to make a light bulb. He replied: “ I didn’t fail, I came up with 10,000 ways on how not to make a light bulb”.

Screwing up is something everyone can and does every day. Brilliant, dumb; rich, poor; screwing up is not something that is only for these or those, it’s for every person. Being a failure, failing at something; that is solely for people that don’t have the courage to keep going, to keep striving. You have the joy of being able to screw up constantly; you only get one chance at being a failure.

So I don’t see it anymore as that I’ve failed at life, that I’ve failed in relationships or that I’ve failed in my pursuits as a working member of society. I see it as that I’ve screwed up things in life, that I’ve screwed up relationships and that I’ve screwed up jobs. If I had failed, I wouldn’t have the job I have now, I wouldn’t be alive, I wouldn’t have my daughter.

This is only what I’ve learned in the 7 months of being here, 7 months of being reforged and remolded by life. It’ll be probably seen by some as egotistical, pompous, perhaps even self righteous. Hey; you read all of it though, didn’t you? If you really felt that way, then it must really burn you up to know that you wasted your time on it, huh?

Looks like I’m not the only one that screwed up.

#Random Thoughts #Lessons Learned #Musings

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gibsongirlselections · 4 years ago

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So It Turns Out You’re a Racist

Am I a racist? Are you? People tell me I sort of have to be a racist, it’s not really my choice. Today, if you’re old, white, from the Midwest, a bit conservative, then you’re racist. Maybe you don’t say racist things specifically, and maybe you never did anything to disadvantage a black person yourself, but by original sin, you’re part of “systematic racism.“

Now maybe your immigrant parents arrived in the U.S. 75 years after slavery, or you as a white racist have trouble finding a privileged job that pays a living wage. No matter, you’re still privileged thanks to a system going back 400 years whether you like it or not. You can’t change what you are and people hate you for it. That’s the systemic part, defined as “not something that a few people choose to practice. Instead it has been a feature of the social, economic, and political systems in which we all exist.”

I’d like to say that was from the news, but in recent days I heard most of that from a close relative, and the rest from a friend of many years, neither of whom want to interact with me anymore. I’ve been sending one checks since her birthdays were in the single digits. I grew up alongside the other. They have both taken themselves out of my life because the internet told them I am a racist.

Crowd-sourced (what old timers call a mob) leftist fundamentalism has given us a country where everyone can be called a Nazi, er, racist, and dismissed. Once the red line was only actual Nazis. So no “Thank you, Elie Wiesel for that moving account. Now in rebuttal, Hitler’s deputy, Martin Bormann…” You had to be an actual Nazi to hold an opinion outside the boundaries of legitimacy.

Not any more. Racism scholar Ibram Kendi says one is now either racist or anti-racist, that there is no room for such thing as a “non-racist.” The New York Times said white allies should “Text your relatives and loved ones telling them you will not be visiting them or answering phone calls until they take significant action in supporting black lives.” Another article described my own situation, claiming “BLM protesters are breaking up with their racist, Facebook-addled relatives.” A Twitter thread about one such family dissolution had over 800,000 likes. HuffPo ran an article by a biracial woman eviscerating her white mother for being too white.

High school debate clubs used to propose a topic in advance but not assign a “side” until just before the match. The idea was you would vigorously support or attack a position you may not personally agree with. You were supposed to learn something intellectual from all this along with the ability to see things from another point of view. It is a vision of the world a long way from calling someone a witch, er, racist, and dismissing them whole.

We don’t understand debate, or its cousin compromise, anymore. There is no longer any tolerance for others’ views because the current fascism of the left does not see opinions as such; they are not acquired thoughts so much as they are innate to who we are, the inside and the outside fixed by color and class. You can’t change, only apologize, before being ignored at family gatherings, unfriended, and canceled. From the New York Times firing an editor for running an op-ed by a senator, to me wondering about the practicality of defunding the police and losing a friend over it, there is no legitimate other side. So I can’t speak, I can only whitesplain (used to be mansplain). People arbitrate my intent before I open my slack jaw. It’s even a job title—a writer at a black news site calls himself a “wypipologist.”

I am unsure where all these woke white people came from. The world around me, since George Floyd’s death, is flooded with overzealous sympathy, the media a waste can for guilt, and people who had never heard of the idea a week ago pronouncing themselves deeply committed to defunding the police.

Companies are stumbling over each other like they just found Jesus at an AA meeting to add Black Lives Matter to their websites, just above the ad banners. The Washington Post reports that African Americans have said they’ve been overwhelmed by the number of white friends checking in, with some sending cash because guilt is an expensive hobby. White celebs are swarming to confess their past ignorance on race. In what may be the ultimate expression of shallowness, someone who calls herself an influencer and life coach posted an Instagram guide on “how to check in on your black friends.” Which corner was everyone standing in solidarity on last week?

The Slack for a hospitality company I worked for pre-COVID exploded last week when a benign HR data request went out on #BlackOutTuesday. The almost all-white staff went insane with accusations of racism. Of course, the blindsided (and now racist) HR drone didn’t think about Tuesday being some private racial Ramadan when we all fasted from reality; she doesn’t follow the right people on Twitter. The mob, sounding like they’d drunk a human growth hormone and Adderall smoothie, barked until the company issued a sort-of apology. Then they celebrated as if they’d brought George Floyd back to life.

It shouldn’t have caught HR so off guard. The unemployees live in a world where “journalism is a profession of agitation.” They were taught nothing matters more than starting a sentence with “as a… (woman, harassment survivor, deep sea diver)” because no argument, and certainly no assembled historical fact, could be more important than a single lived experience. They were brought up on TV shows that juxtaposed white and black characters like someone was stringing together magic diversity beads. They made the boss apologize even though nothing was really different except that made-up racial “holidays” are now on the list of things where there is only one allowable opinion. Soon enough we’ll all be asked over the PA to take a knee for the national anthem at sporting events.

The harsh self-righteousness oozed. It sounded very much like people wanted to imagine they were on the cutting edge of a revolution, the long-awaited (well, for four years) Reichstag fire. So what makes this moment into a turning point?

Not much. Less than taking a stand, it feels more like radical chic from people who have been cooped up for months, cut off from bars and the gym. They don’t seem to know we’ve had this week before, after the deaths of Rodney King, Eric Garner, Freddie Gray, and Michael Brown. The protests feel like the last round of BLM, Occupy, Pink Hats, March for Our Lives, even Live Aid in 1986 when Queen sang for everyone’s racist parents to end hunger forever. Remember in 1970 when Leonard Bernstein threw a cocktail party for the Black Panthers Defense Fund and Tom Wolfe wrote about it? That changed everything; I mean, people used to say “Negro” back then. But I’m pretty sure a year from now there will still be funded police departments.

It took some rough nights to work out the rules and root out the looters, but even as the protests have faded, the whole thing has become a set piece: the demonstrators arrive with water bottles and healthy snacks. The route is established with the police a long way from “by any means necessary” boulevard. As long as everyone enjoys their revolutionary cosplay inside the white lines, the cops don’t have to spank anyone with pepper spray. The AP describes the once violent protests outside the White House now as having a “street fair vibe.” See, it got complicated explaining how looting beer from a convenience run by Yemeni refugees was connected to racial justice.

It all reveals itself as hollow because this fight isn’t between racism and anti-racism. It’s Black Rage versus White Guilt. The cops quickly quiet down the former and the media slowly wears out the latter. That means little of the action will have much to do with the real issues but everyone will feel self-righteously better. Until next time.

Along the way, however, the collateral damage of wokeness is producing the totalitarianism it purports to challenge by denying any view that challenges it. Ideas are redefined by one side as the bad -isms of racism, sexism, fascism, and pulled out of the marketplace along with the people who want to talk about them. No invite to the barbecue, no seat at the Thanksgiving table. In a political system built on compromise, I’m not sure how we’re supposed to get things done.

For me, I am not a racist. I’ll get over my problem with lost friends. America, I’m not so sure.

Peter Van Buren, a 24-year State Department veteran, is the author of We Meant Well: How I Helped Lose the Battle for the Hearts and Minds of the Iraqi People,Hooper’s War: A Novel of WWII Japan, and Ghosts of Tom Joad: A Story of the #99 Percent.

The post So It Turns Out You’re a Racist appeared first on The American Conservative.

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