#but in general obscure or otherwise if there's something you think worth checking out please fire away in the comments + askbox !

[meowmeowmessi]

question for my beloved italian followers: what are some places in florence and rome you'd recommend to someone visiting for, say, a week?

[starrypawz]

ooooh I love these prompts!! Mamihlapinatapei!

Unusual Word Prompts AO3

Some minor references to alcohol, otherwise have some good old fashioned yearning, obsessing over hands and food as a love language content

If you could ever describe hunting a Leitner as routine, this was it.

The book (Spiral aligned from what limited information Gerry had found. Similar limited information claimed that for victims of the book the line between the real world and the fantasy universe within blurred and something about dragons, maybe?) had been tracked down to a small bookshop.

And as it turned out the owner didn’t really know anything about the value of obscure out of print fantasy novels. (Or much about fantasy novels in general, Romances on the other hand) They’d be more than happy to hand it over for the princely sum of fivr quid and he’d also left the shop with a good deal on a few hardback Discworlds he didn’t have.

More importantly, no other “interested parties” had interfered once he and Nemo had left the shop and in a convenient nearby alleyway it had easily taken to his lighter.

Gerry had sighed with relief, hands in the pockets of his trenchcoat as he stomped the smouldering book out under his combat boot before he toed the ashy remains to check it’s been burned to his standards.

“Done?” “Done” “That was … easy?”

“I know?” Gerry had grinned and Nemo had tried not to think too hard about that grin, “That hardly ever happens,” He’d chuckled and Nemo had also tried not to think too hard about that chuckle.

“So…” Nemo had shoved their hands into their hoodie pockets, “What do you want to do now? “Saw what could be a good pub around the corner,”

“We could,” Gerry had shrugged, “Or we could go back to yours and I could cook you something?”

Nemo had snorted “You? Cook?” and raised an eyebrow

“What?” Gerry had feigned shock, “You don’t think I can?”

“I…” Nemo had paused, caught their lip, “What do I get if I say yes?”

“I can cook a pretty good spag bol if I say so myself,”

“Spag bol huh?” Nemo had grinned, “Homemade sauce?”

Gerry had chuckles, toed his boot into the gravel, “Not quite there yet, Tesco Finest?”

“Tesco Finest?” Nemo had tutted, “Not Waitrose?”

Gerry snorted, “I think they’d kick me out if I stepped in there,”

Nemo had cleared their throat, “The Daily Mail reports that Mavis Barker-Finch, sixty-eight, recently retired who lives in a house in Kensington worth one quarter of a million pounds had a terrifying encounter last night at her local Waitrose where she saw an awfully suspicious ruffian in the pasta aisle,”

“Exactly,”

“Alright you’re on,”

Nemo now sits on the kitchen counter. Watches as Gerry makes short work of a pepper with a knife that doesn’t match the other knives.

But then none of the kitchen knives in here match anyway.

But that seemed to be the overall theme of this kitchen. The various utensils that had been gathered so there was a chance a particularly determined person could at least make an attempt at cooking were largely mismatched. Some of the originals had been lost in the line of duty such as the spatula that had nobly lost it’s life early on in the stir fry incident of Fresher’s Week (Which had also proved that yes don’t worry this house had a functioning fire alarm)

Gerry gives out a pleased noised seemingly satisfied with his handiwork and reaches for a tomato. (There’d been a brief debate in the vegetable section about if there were tomatoes in the fridge, and if so which one of Nemo’s housemates claimed ownership of said tomatoes or if they were communal tomatoes and actually lets play safe and no we probably don’t have basil)

Gerry turns back, tomato in hand to find Nemo swiping a piece of pepper.

“Hey!”

“What?” Nemo grins as they swallow it quicker than he can react, “I’m just checking,”

“And?”

“Seems fine,” Nemo sticks their tongue out, “It’s a pepper at least,” “Good,” Gerry chuckles and smiles and Nemo tries not to think too hard about it and turns their attention to watching Gerry dice a tomato.

“You know… you guys should sharpen your knives,” He doesn’t look up, “I mean this works but it’s not very sharp,” He pauses, “Sharper knives are actually safer,” “They are?”

“Yeah,” Gerry keeps working and Nemo finds their attention keeps drifting to his hands. It’s not the first time Nemo’s noticed his hands. He has… nice hands is that weird to think? “You need less pressure with a sharp knife, which means it’s less likely to slip-”

“Right,”

There’s a little nudge at the back of Nemo’s brain that reminds them that they did actually know that.

But then most of their attention seems to be on his hands as they watch how even with a slightly blunted knife he makes easy work of the tomato. And not for the first time Nemo notices his hands are slender, long fingers that in some other life would only be intended for touch soft things and be used for delicate tasks.

Some of the black nail polish has chipped since Nemo painted his nails for him a few nights ago. They’d spend the evening cuddled up closer to each other than strictly necessary under the same blanket and Gerry had been making fun of some low budget horror movie they’d found in the local Blockbuster whilst sharing a two litre bottle of coke and a bag of Cadbury buttons. And Nemo had maybe spend a little more time holding onto his hands than strictly necessary as they had worked. He’d been wearing a couple of rings today that Nemo had noticed he fiddles with sometimes and for now they sit in the pocket of Nemo’s jeans for safe keeping. There’s a faint red mark around his pale wrist where he’s kept a hairtie all day and said tie is now keeping his hair which almost hits his shoulder blades now off the back of his neck.

Nemo finds they keep noticing small details like that. Like the faint marks on his hands that show that in this life that his hands don’t only get to touch soft things and be used for the delicate tasks they seem designed for. And how they’ve cleared the blood and grime from his hands more than once by this point.

Nemo’s thoughts then shift to how his hands have felt in theirs and they’ve lost track already of how many times they’ve held his hand by this point and how when they were in the Tesco earlier their fingers had brushed and he’d wound his around there and-

And-

Nemo blinks a couple of time as they find him holding a diced piece of tomato near their face.

He chuckles “Check this for me?”

Nemo chuckles back and takes it from his fingers although for a brief impulsive moment they think of taking it from his fingers with their mouth.

Nemo swipes a few more pieces of tomato and pepper whilst Gerry works. With a grin he offers Nemo a slice of mushroom which they turn down.

Gerry then grins and eats it himself and Nemo pulls a disgusted face.

“You ate mushrooms last night,” Gerry sighs.

“Yeah, cooked,” Nemo prods him.

Gerry chuckles and Nemo tries not to think about how it makes their heart flip a little when he does that, “Fill the kettle up for me?”

The hob was a bit temperamental and Nemo had to show Gerry the trick to get the back left burner working, the extractor fan had complained a lot but did it’s job of making sure the fire alarm didn’t go off and the lid on the jar of sauce proved to be a bit stubborn and Gerry had found Nemo sneaking shredded cheese from the bag whilst he was distracted but before long the pair of them sit at the kitchen table, maybe closer than strictly necessary.

“Can’t believe you held out on me like that,” Nemo playfully tuts as they put their cider down. (There’d been a brief debate about if they should’ve brought wine, but as traditional as it was it was decided neither of them like wine enough to commit to the experience thatmuch)

“Hey got to keep a little bit of mystery right?” Gerry grins back over the top of his can.

Nemo lifts their can, “Prince of Darkness, artiste, music aficionado, paranormal expert and master chef,”

“Yeah,” Gerry’s chuckle short and sharp, “Real Renaissance man me,”

“So how long have you kept that up your sleeve?”

Gerry squirms in his chair a little, feels his cheeks warming for reasons he suspects but doesn’t want to unpack a little at the soft little smile Nemo gives him not to mention the praise “Couple of years, realised man can’t live on pot noodles alone you know?”

Nemo chuckles.

“Like I knew how to boil an egg and stuff like that you know,” Gerry swallows, “I could manage to not set the kitchen on fire,” He snorts as Nemo giggles, “Yeah I know me not wanting to set something on fire right?” Swallows and rubs the back of his neck, not sure why he feels so self conscious about admitting to this “Anyway I just… started teaching myself you know got left alone more often so why not right?” Gerry shrugs. He chuckles swallows again and looks at Nemo, pale blue eyes soft and cheeks slightly pink, “You’re… actually the first person I’ve cooked for?”

“Really?”

“Didn’t do too bad right?” Gerry chuckles.

“You did great,” Nemo smiles, “I don’t think anyone’s cooked for me before,” Nemo catches their lip, “I mean as in not anyone I’m related to, and I guess here before you know-” Nemo shakes their head and sighs, “I-”

“I know what you mean?” Gerry pauses, “I think?” “Good I’m glad one of us does,” Nemo smiles, “I mean feel free to cook for me anytime,”

“Oh the spag bol was just the start,” Gerry grins, “I’m a dab hand at veg curry too,”

Nemo’s eyes widen, “You make the curry I’ll buy the samosas?”

“Deal,”

“Got dinner for tomorrow too,” “Yeah,” Gerry laughs, “Haven’t quite learned the art of portioning out pasta,”

“Don’t think anyone’s quite learned that,”

[fandom-necromancer]

Obscured by Shadows

Now to the last Halloween short! This was prompted by the wonderful @spacalicious and let me tell you you gave me so much I could have written a full on 60k story about it. I didn’t have as much fun writing a story in a long time. That said, this got long, i’ts a bit over 5k and I’m sorry to those who haven’t got something as long, I hope that’s okay. So enjoy this one!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 | AU: Eldritch being?

Nines had always been determined to figure things out for himself. Maybe it was something he valued because he had never been given a real base programming. He knew his model would eventually be used for the military. But Cyberlife hadn’t been able to do more than basic hardware tests on him before the revolution changed the world. He had been informed his prior series had been finished and given a purpose: The RK200 was a caretaker and the RK800 was working for the police. With nothing much to go off of, RK900 had chosen to keep these purposes in mind while finding his own.

He had applied at the police academy immediately after making this decision. He didn’t want to just download a program from someone. He wanted to build his own unique one. And during his time at the academy, he quickly found he liked the challenge of uncovering mysteries. He enjoyed gathering evidence, puzzling together what had happened based on it and uncovering the truth in between sowed lies. It only took him a few years to make it detective and was proud to be accepted at the fifth precinct of the Detroit police department. The Captain had assigned him to Lieutenant Anderson, the officer that had been there the longest, and Connor, the RK800. He was supposed to learn the ropes from them, and Connor was more than glad to show him around.

His predecessor had decided getting to know his co-workers was the best course of action and one after the next pointed out the different persons to him. ‘Okay, as you came in you must have seen the receptionists. The android is a ST300, she calls herself Steph, and the human one is Elisabeth, but everyone calls her Elly. Then we’ve got Officer Collins over there, this is Hank’s desk and mine and there is Officer Willson’s. On the other side we have Officer Person, Officer Chen and Officer Miller. And you already met the Captain. We are a small group, but that’s because SWAT is right there, if you head out this side. Another RK800 is working there, but I’m not on best terms with him. We tend to evade each other. Doesn’t mean you have to though. I can show you around there tomorrow, for now I’ll show you the cells, interrogation room and the meeting room. Then we can-‘ ‘Excuse me?’ Nines felt bad for interrupting, but his eye had fallen on… on what again? ‘Yes? Sorry, I tend to monologue. How can I help you?’ Connor politely smiled at him, while Nines thought about what he had meant to ask about. Connor had showed him all his co-workers and had went on with- right. He looked around again and kept his eyes on the person Connor missed. ‘Who is he?’, he asked, pointing Connor at the man. ‘Hm? Oh. Oh, that’s just Gavin’, the other android waved him off. ‘Detective Reed I believe. He’s an asshole. I met him briefly before the revolution. That was enough to get a clear picture of him. File him under unimportant and go on with it. It’s not really worth knowing the guy, trust me.’ ‘But I introduced myself to everyone personally after the initial briefing’, Nines argued. ‘I believe I must have forgotten him. I at least want to do that.’ Connor shrugged. ‘Fine, knock yourself out. I’ll wait here for you. I doubt you’ll be long.’

Nines made his way over to the man’s desk and read the plague first. Connor had been right: Detective Gavin Reed. ‘Hello! My name is Nines. I’m a RK900 unit and the new Detective. I’m looking forward to work with you!’ He held out his hand and every other person had accepted it and had some niceties left for him. The human in front of him just stared him up and down and grumbled. ‘Phck off.’ Nines recoiled. ‘Excuse me, I just wanted to be nice. I-‘ ‘And I don’t. Mind your own business and piss off!’ Nines knit his brows but remembered Connor’s words. Maybe this one time he could have relied on someone else’s knowledge.

-

He had returned to Connor that day and the other RK had shown him the rest of the precinct. After that the days seemed to rush past: Nines helped Hank and Connor with their cases and quickly afterwards he had his first very own case. The other two had helped him solve it, but it still was one he had led and found most of the clues to. After work he was driving from one place to the next looking for a small affordable flat, but so far, he stayed in the mostly unused stasis-booths at the precinct or simply continued working. In his breaks he had chatted with his co-workers and learned quite a lot about them. Collins had a sweet tooth, Wilson was almost religiously obsessed with football, Person was spending a large amount of his pay checks on his sister’s hospital fees but according to him she is getting better, Chen loved tea way too much and Miller could talk on for hours about his daughter and wife. Nines was quite content with his life and his choice to join the DPD. He liked the challenge actual cases brought to the table and was in general well-liked. So why was something constantly nagging at his systems, directing his attention to empty spaces on the opposite wall or just letting him stare into the nothing somewhere in the precinct? Maybe something was just wrong with his systems.

No, there wasn’t anything wrong with his systems. Nines had checked as he had entered stasis that night. But that would mean something in the precinct actually let his sensors misfire. And apparently, he was the only one to notice that strange phenomenon. The RK900 still doubted himself as he stepped down from the platform that morning. All his co-workers were competent and attentive people. They should have noticed it if something weird was going on in the bullpen. And there was still the minimal possibility of his diagnostic routines failing him. He would keep this to himself for now and keep his eyes open.

It took him almost a month to lose his patience. The errors and inconsistencies piled up and so far, almost all of them could be chalked up to the one person no one seemed to care about or even notice. Gavin Reed. The strangest thing was that Nines himself didn’t care much about the human. In fact, he only ended up focussing on the man as the number of things he didn’t know about him became suspicious. He had made a point of knowing as much as possible and appropriate about his co-workers. He had learned that helped a lot with work climate and integration. The occasional donut for Collins, a signed picture of a famous footballer for Wilson’s birthday, spending his break with Tina once to check out a local tea shop: That all was something that had made him likeable and made working a pleasant experience. But with how much he knew of them, how little he knew of Gavin was worrying.

Sure, the man was an asshole. But even assholes had personalities. There had to be at least rumours about him. But whenever he had asked someone, he had been given the same answers: ‘Reed? Yeah, he worked here for some time.’ ‘He’s an asshole, it seems to be worse with androids.’ ‘Pfft… Nah, he keeps to himself, don’t know anything about him.’ So he wasn’t alone with not knowing, he just was alone with worrying about that fact.

One quiet day, he decided to do some personal research into that mystery. Every human was known to the world in some way or another. Date of birth. Date of graduation. Date of Employment. Criminal record. Won some small prize in the lottery. An Address. Anything. And that was when things got truly confusing. He looked over at the man and felt how his eyes suddenly darted away to movement that he had thought to see at the edge of his vision. He never managed to look at the human for longer than a few minutes. Something was seriously wrong.

‘Connor? Can I speak with you for a moment? In private?’ Connor looked up from his work, then to the clock. He shrugged. ‘Sure. I can take my break early. What can I help you with?’ They left the precinct through the back entrance to have some privacy and Nines began with a sigh. ‘It’s about Gavin.’ ‘Did he do anything to you? Did he harm you?’ ‘No!’, Nines quickly said. ‘No, he didn’t do anything. But he is weird. I… I did some research and…’ ‘Wait. You “did some research”? What are you talking about?’ Nines held his hands up to calm him. ‘Connor, please listen to me, it will all make sense in a minute. How much do you know about Reed?’ ‘Nothing much, he’s an asshole. Otherwise he keeps to himself. Worked here for a long time.’ ‘How long?’ ‘How should I know?’ ‘How long did Person work here?’ ‘For twelve years, exactly a month from now.’ Nines stared at him triumphantly.

‘Hey, I haven’t looked into his file, okay? Never even talked to him. That doesn’t mean anything.’ ‘Well, I looked into it’, Nines picked up where Connor left off. ‘He doesn’t even work here. Officially. There is no file in the systems for his person, his name is only listed as being employed by the city. There is a birth year at least, but no school. No educational record, no graduation paper. Nothing. There is an address, but the place had been towed down ages ago.’ ‘Maybe he forgot to update it. Or Fowler knows and hadn’t updated his new address yet.’ ‘And the missing documents?’, Nines tried to convince him. ‘What about those?’ ‘Humans can be sloppy sometimes. Especially with bureaucracy.’ ‘May I remind you the entire HR department is run by androids by now?’, Nines threw his final punch. ‘It’s quite funny when you think about it.’ Connor held his head as if he had forgotten he couldn’t get headaches. ‘Nines, you are paranoid. The guy really isn’t that important.’

But Nines didn’t let himself be shut down. ‘There is more actually. Chris complained about the coffee being empty, right? That was yesterday, a Thursday. Correct?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And I personally restocked Monday the week before! Tina drinks tea, Chris can’t drink too much or his stomach acts up. With the regular caffeine intake of the rest of them, it shouldn’t be depleted yet.’ ‘So?’ ‘Someone drinks an unhealthy amount of coffee, I would even dare say it would kill a human or at least leave them with serious health issues. And only Gavin is left if you keep an eye out.’ Connor sighed: ‘Or someone dropped the package, spilled half of it and cleaned up the mess into the bin.’ ‘Okay, then how do you explain this: Reed is always here when someone arrives. No matter how early I rise from stasis, he is already there. As if he never left. And then sometimes he spends entire days away and no one bothers!’ ‘Vacations and overtime are a thing.’ Nines shook his head. ‘There is no car standing in the parking lot that belongs to him, I looked after everyone was gone. Yet, there is a key to a car on his desk.’ ‘Maybe he parks somewhere else, because he likes to go on a walk after a long day of sitting around.’ ‘Connor!’ ‘No, Nines, you are paranoid. That’s all. You should slow down maybe. Or take some days off. The man is just your regular asshole who is decent enough to be professional and do his job. And that’s all.’

Nines was desperate. He had thought that at least if pointed to it, the other RK would notice. ‘Then what about the fact that I have never seen him eat something once? And he keeps framed pictures of his cats, but he has no cat hairs on himself!’ ‘Nines, please, you need to calm down. If I didn’t know it any better, I’d say you are stalking him. Please stop. Believe me when I say Reed is as unimportant as someone could be. You are certain of the way things seem to be and now you search for evidence to prove your point. But we are detectives. We find evidence and conclude.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I worry for you. Please, take a break from work. How is your house-hunting?’ ‘Haven’t found a flat yet.’ ‘Do you want to live with Hank and me? We could make room for you for a few days. You need to get out of here.’ Nines deflated as he saw he couldn’t win. ‘That’s nice of you, Connor. But I guess I’ll just think about what you said and try to get back to work.’

In truth Nines didn’t think about anything Connor had told him. If anything, his words had only made it clearer to him that something is wrong. He had to take matters into his own hands.

-

Gavin startled as a coffee cup was put on his desk with an audible thump. He looked up. ‘Hello, I’m Nines. I already introduced myself but we never really talked.’ Gavin stared at the nosey android and frowned. ‘And I already told you to phck off. Nothing has changed since then.’ ‘No need to be so aggressive, Detective. I always see you working. I believe I never actually saw you taking a break.’ ‘Well, I like work and I’d like to get back to it, tin-can.’ ‘Tin-can? Oh, that’s a new one’, the android answered and smiled at him. Goddamnit. ‘Listen, I don’t know what you are on about, but I don’t want to talk. I’ll say it one last time: Phck off!’ This… Nines… pouted at him. ‘Come on, I got you a coffee, the least you could do is answer me one question!’ Gavin sighed and leaned back. ‘Fine. One question. And then you’ll go!’ He hoped his form didn’t show how nervous he was.

‘What do you like?’ Compared to everything he had expected that was quite harmless and caught him off-guard. ‘What?’ The android continued to grin at him. ‘What do you like? Food, hobbies, doesn’t matter.’ ‘Oh, okay, err… I like cats. And… Coffee.’ ‘Are those yours?’, the android asked pointing at the framed pictures. ‘Hey, you said one question, then you’d be leaving me alone!’ The android lifted his hands. ‘Alright, fine. I’m leaving. Was nice talking to you!’

Gavin couldn’t help looking after the machine that was leaving now. Damn nosy androids would be his downfall someday. He turned back to his work, the smell of coffee distracting him. He glanced over to it and finally succumbed to taking and drinking it. He wasn’t ashamed by the fact that he was addicted to it ever since he first tried it in the 15th century. It was one of the pleasant experiences of his existence. He had lived on this world for eons now, maybe he had been around right from the start. But you could only spend so many billion years until you got bored and wanted to try something new. He had lived among humans ever since a massive migration to a continent a large part of the world never even knew about. It was easy to fit in when no one asked where you came from and everyone was eager to start a new life. And Gavin fit in nicely. He sowed enough information to saturate most and those who wanted more he used his powers on to become totally ordinary. So ordinary that most didn’t even notice him. He was living a peaceful life, working on farms, later with railroads and the industry. He liked the concept of lifetimes to justify changing from one job to another and discovering new interesting ways to fake being human. This lifetime he had decided to spend just relaxing. He played the average human that made it Detective and since then worked away solving mysteries and cuddling with cats when coming home.

He couldn’t have known this would be the time humanity decided to change once again. They decided to design machines, androids. They looked human but were designed to obey. Why exactly was it that humanity wished for some kind of slavery every few hundred years? He didn’t care for it too much as they were just machines. Sure, his powers didn’t work on them like they did with humans, but as he was seen as one of them, he could just order the androids to go away and leave him alone. And then deviancy happened. Humans had tried perfecting them so much, they accidentally created life. Gavin knowing humans had decided to wait it out. Too easy he could fake his death and return to his normal existence. But he had been living within them in peace successfully so far. He really didn’t want to change that. So, he waited. Waited until the revolution happened. And too his distress, the androids won.

Ever since he had tried to move on the streets as little as necessary. He spent almost all of his days in the precinct where he was safe from them minus Connor. And the bot he could easily get rid of by changing his attitude to grumpy and abrasive. He thought it might work out. But this new android was a pain in the ass. Nosey as hell and apparently determined to get to know him. Well, someday his luck had to run out and it seemed the time had come.

He spent his remaining day at his terminal, until he felt eyes on him again. He tried to subtly look up and met the damned android’s cheeky grin as he entered the stasis booth. The machine even gave him a little wave. Gavin felt his powers bristling underneath his skin, warning him he had been spotted, but with grit teeth he forced them down. Phck, he needed to relax. He switched off his terminal and headed outside. He hurried through the streets until he finally found an empty back alley without CCTV. It really had been easier in the olden times. Quietly he let go of the charade and got rid of his fake skin. Finally, he could stretch and brush against corners, making natural shadows more refined and let them stretch to take him. Oh, he had missed that feeling. Excitement bubbled inside him as he scaled the city, slithering from one shadow to the next through the narrow spaces in brickwork and underground where there was no connecting darkness to act as a convenient passageway. More than once androids looked towards him, but he just hurried away before they could investigate. Damn machines.

He finally made it home, faster than any car or train could and let himself inside through the letter box. Only then he reformed his human appearance and got to his knees, greeting his cats with maybe one or two arms too many. Not that they would care, they just wanted their pets. Gavin sighed, the fluffy fur under his hands just the perfect way to destress from a long day. He fed them and switched on his stereo to blast music as loud as the cats would allow. He had more than enough time to settle everything with the nosey android. He would be fine.

-

‘You forgot your keys yesterday!’, he was greeted as he walked into the bullpen. He could only frown at the android standing beside his desk, dangling them from one finger. Gavin saw red and pulled them from the man, maybe having moved a little too fast for a human. ‘Give them back!’ He looked down on them and carefully put them down in their usual spot. ‘How did you come home then? You couldn’t drive with your car.’ ‘I don’t have one, phck off!’, Gavin shouted. ‘Then why do you have keys?’

Phck. He felt his powers acting up, but it only managed to avert the human gazes from the disturbance. The android didn’t bulge. Shit. A human explanation, quick. Oh, right, parents were a thing! ‘They are my dad’s, he… He died in a car crash. They are the only thing I’ve got left of him.’ It technically wasn’t even a lie. Nowadays he often faked his death so he could inherit his own belongings and one of them had indeed been a car crash. ‘Oh. I’m sorry.’ The android really looked like he meant it. ‘I didn’t mean to pry.’ ‘Well then go and-‘ ‘Can I make it up to you?’ Oh phck no… ‘There is a cat café that just recently opened up. I thought-‘ ‘What is a cat café?’, Gavin asked, momentarily forgetting he wanted the android gone. ‘Oh, it’s a regular café, but cats are roaming around. I thought you’d like it.’ ‘I… That does sound interesting.’ ‘It’s a deal then! I’m looking forward to it!’ ‘No, I-‘ But the android had already left. Gavin let his shoulders fall. It wouldn’t hurt playing human for a break, right? He had done so before. Sure, it broke his rule of never mingling too close with humanity, but it couldn’t really go wrong, right?’

-

It was awkward at first. They had entered and sat down on two comfy chairs and didn’t manage to speak a word until the waiter came. They ordered their drinks and it returned to the uncomfortable silence. Until one of the cats decided to jump onto Gavin’s lap. The android had laughed at his surprised face and Gavin had begun to pet her. ‘You are good with cats’, he commented. ‘Yeah, I love them’, Gavin answered. ‘Just… calms you down I guess.’ ‘I never got to pet one.’ ‘Really?’ Gavin could understand that human lives were short and that not everyone had the pleasure of strolling along the streets of early civilisations and pet every fluffy beast in existence, but it did surprise him. ‘You really have to!’

The android looked around and tried to get the attention of one of the cats wandering about. The look of pure wonder on the android’s face as the cat headbutted his hand for the first time touched something in Gavin and he chuckled. The android looked back up while still petting the cat and smiled back. Only as the cat decided they had enough did the android return to the table. ‘I really wonder why everyone was so sure about you being an asshole’, Nines began talking. ‘I mean, I don’t really know you yet, but you are nice company.’ ‘I tend to keep to myself’, Gavin muttered, looking down on the cat that still hadn’t moved and curled herself up on his legs. ‘Made some bad experiences I guess.’ ‘I think we should do this more often’, the android said. As much as Gavin wanted to, he couldn’t bring himself to truly disagree.

They met a few times afterwards. They often spent their breaks together in the café and with time Gavin thought that maybe he didn’t have to isolate himself all the time. But he always shut these thoughts down and thought of the android as an exception. One evening Nines had insisted to come over and see Gavin’s cats, what had brought Gavin into the zugzwang to explain some of the by now ancient things he had collected over the years. ‘I’m interested in history’, he bluffed. ‘Archaeology is a pet peeve of mine. So I tend to collect.’ Surprisingly, the android had bought it and instead admired his “collection”. It had ended in multiple visits to museums and exhibitions. Not that Gavin really minded. It was a fun distraction and his lie about being a history enthusiast wasn’t that far fetched when he could tell a few first-hand stories from when he had been there himself.

It was about a month later that they had come back from one of these exhibition trips and the android had dropped him off at his apartment. The android had hugged him goodbye, something he would never get tired of, and was about to go. ‘Are you going back to the precinct?’, he blurted out out of nowhere. ‘Yes’, Nines had answered. ‘Detroit’s housing market is awful. Haven’t got a flat yet.’ ‘Do you want to… I mean you could stay here if you want to.’ The android had stared at him wide eyed and Gavin started to regret his impromptu decision until Nines threw him a smile and nodded politely. That evening Gavin ended up on the couch next to Nines watching TV until the android appeared to have entered stasis. In the silence that followed, he began to think about his life choices. What was he doing? He was an eldritch shadow being from the dawn of time. Nines was an android he had no power over. And something was clearly growing between them. It was evident in the way Nines had snuggled up next to him, the cats all over them. This couldn’t work. What if Nines found out? What if he would rat him out to anyone? Humans he could fool, but androids would be able to follow him to the end of the world. He had made a huge mistake.

And still: listening to the hum of the android’s thirium pump he couldn’t find to regret it. Quite the opposite was the case.

-

The next morning was filled with more excuses. Why didn’t he have a kitchen? Why didn’t he have any food at home? Gavin had mumbled something about always getting something at the food trucks and stressed they would be late. Apparently, Nines took that information with only a sigh, too. One Catastrophe evaded.

Off to face the next one: As they entered the precinct together, Gavin froze as he found his desk occupied. By Connor. And the other android was staring at them with determination. ‘You two. Interrogation room. Now.’ Gavin was about to protest, so did Nines, but the other RK stopped them: ‘I said now!’ So, they trotted over, and Gavin knew he had phcked up. He had set up these rules for a reason. How could he think he could start a relationship with an android would somehow work out?

‘Nines, I believe you now.’ Nines frowned in return as they entered and exchanged a look with Gavin. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘What you told me about him. It’s true! It’s like he isn’t even existing! And everything you told me was true! There are so many discrepancies with him that something has to be wrong.’ Gavin felt panic creeping in. What? What had these two androids talked about? What had he missed? ‘No, Connor, you were right’, Nines disagreed. ‘There is a logical explanation for everything. I was just paranoid, as you said. I just knew nothing about him because I never even spoke with him.’ ‘Oh and now suddenly everything is perfect? What are these explanations then?’ Nines sighed. ‘What do you want to hear from me?’ ‘The keys?’ ‘Memorabilia of his deceased father.’ ‘The cat hairs?’ ‘Either I must have missed something or he had just washed his clothes. Scan Gavin now and you’ll see a bunch of cat hairs.’ ‘What the hell are you two talking about?’, Gavin asked. ‘You are hiding something!’, Connor growled his way. ‘And I won’t rest until I know what it is!’ Gavin took an instinctive step back. Oh no… ‘Connor’, Nines directed the other RK’s attention back to him. ‘I spent the last months with him. He really isn’t as bad as you think and he clearly isn’t hiding anything.’ ‘Oh, is that so? Have you seen his home then?’

Nines puffed out his chest. ‘I have, actually. In great detail.’ He challenged Connor by staring him in the eyes. ‘Wait what?’ That had caught Connor off-guard at least. ‘You two… You aren’t… No.’ ‘Yes’, Nines grinned. ‘And you should trust the android with the more advanced analysis tools that he is as normal as a human can be.’ Connor was left just standing there, staring. ‘I… I’m not convinced, just so you know. But I trust you. Just know that I’ll be keeping an eye on you!’ ‘That’s only fair’, Nines commented, but Connor was already storming out of the room.

For a while no one moved. ‘Should we go back to the-‘, Gavin started, but was interrupted: ‘No.’ Nines pushed himself off the table and leaned against it. ‘The cams are deactivated, and the observation room is empty. No one else can hear us. I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier.’ ‘What should you have told me earlier?’, Gavin asked carefully. ‘I had suspicions about you. That’s why I initially wanted to get to know you better. I pretended everything was alright so you could tell me once you were ready. But I guess now is a good a time as ever: What are you, Gavin? Who are you? The things you own are legitimately old. A collection like this would be priceless, you could sell it for millions. Most of it belongs in a museum. And you don’t even really exist on paper. I couldn’t find your name in any hospital archives from the day you were supposed to be born and you never went to a school. Please, I need to know.’

Gavin sighed deeply and sat down. Should he tell him? Well, he had to. But what then? He guessed a prison to hold him would have yet to be built. And he could always move to another city after faking yet another death. But he didn’t want to lose this. This lifetime was meant to be relaxing and hell, with Nines he had been the most relaxed he had been for centuries. Well, he had to hope for the best. ‘No one can see us?’ ‘No one.’ ‘And no one can hear us?’ ‘Everything said here will remain between us.’ ‘You have to promise not to tell anyone.’ ‘I will as long as my duty as a police officer doesn’t call for it.’

Gavin took a deep breath. So far so good. But promises could be empty and who knew what the duty of a police officer entailed these days. But he knew he was only buying time. And so he began: ‘I am a being that has been around since the dawn of time. I am made of shadows, some worshipped me as the shadows themselves. I don’t even know if that’s true. I’ve been around for a while until I finally decided to try living as a human for a while. And it worked! I was a peaceful part of society since… Well, I took a few breaks but more or less since the 600s? It is hard pretending to be a human if you are immortal, so I travelled a lot and faked papers as much as I could. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I like coffee and cats. The keys are from my first ever car, but I hate driving, so I got rid of it by crashing it one day.’ Nines stared at him dumbfounded. ‘I think I need proof, I can’t believe this.’ Gavin sighed and looked at the table. ‘Please, don’t freak out’, he warned, before transforming into his true form. Suddenly half the room was swallowed by darkness and Gavin showed off a bit by extending a few tendrils of shadow towards Nines. The android looked shocked at first, then bewildered and then fascinated. Nines even stepped closer. ‘You won’t hurt me, right?’ ‘I never hurt anyone’, Gavin answered, his voice coming somewhere from his centre that was still hovering over the chair. Nines extended an arm and tried to touch Gavin, who chuckled. His only feature was to consume light, he literally was the personification of the absence of light. What a dork, trying to touch that. For some reason that seemed to disappoint the android and Gavin made an effort reforming his body partially while still keeping his real self exposed.

‘And?’, Gavin asked. ‘What does this mean now?’ Nines was still staring at him. ‘You are beautiful.’ Gavin laughed, but took the android’s hand lovingly. ‘If you say so.’ ‘How did you keep this a secret for so long? Is that why you aren’t noticeable by most? I have so many questions, I-‘ ‘I would say, I explain everything to you at my home where we are safe’, Gavin offered. ‘I want to know what it means first. For us. Does it change anything?’

Nines smiled and came closer. ‘Only that I don’t have to worry about your human lifespan’, he smirked. ‘And that we can spend an eternity forever.’ Gavin sighed in relief and relaxed completely. ‘You don’t know how much that means to me.’ ‘I think I get the gist of it’, Nines shrugged and dove in for a kiss that left Gavin completely unprepared. But he had always been quick to adapt.

It took them a while to get out of that interrogation room, but thanks to Gavin’s powers no one but Connor noticed. Nines just threw him a cocky smile while making a point of sitting down on the free table opposite of Gavin’s.

Maybe Gavin Reed was a man made of shadows. It didn’t change the fact that Nines was completely engulfed in his gloom.

[monstersdownthepath]

Spiritual Spotlight: Barzahk the Passage

True Neutral Psychopomp Usher of Compasses, Travelers, and Vigil

Domains: Knowledge, Protection, Repose, Travel Subdomains*: Education, Defense, Psychopomp, Exploration

Concordance of Rivals, pg. 6 Pathfinder Adventure Path: Tyrant’s Grasp: Born by the Sun’s Grace, pg. 79

Obedience: Walk a road for an hour and keep a constant eye out for signs of fallen travelers or roadside graves. Tend to any of either you find. Benefit: Gain a +4 insight bonus on Survival and Knowledge (Geography) checks to find locations and to avoid becoming lost, as well as on saving throws against magical effects which would cause you to become lost (such as Maze or the Primeval Landscape ability of the Whisperer).

(*IMPORTANT NOTE: The Subdomains are my best guess; Subdomains are not listed in Concordance of Rivals.)

Step 1) Don’t get arrested, stuck in a dungeon, or trapped too far away from civilization.

Step 2) Fail step 1.

Not an easy Obedience to perform if you’re the types to wander into the untamed wilds or find yourself frequently trapped in locations where you have no easy access to a road. A lot of Obediences that rely on terrain being nearby are brutal if you’re on the march or are pinned in one inconvenient location for a while, and this one is especially painful because going into the untamed wilds is a thing adventurers do regularly.

However, if you’re in a relatively urban environment and can come and go as you please, this Boon is a complete non-issue. In addition, if you’re actually traveling via the roads, you can very easily do this Boon alongside your normal marching. Also note that the wording of this Boon basically means you can walk a half-hour on the right side of the road, and a half-hour on the left to save your party the frustration of tracking you down each day. Technically you can walk in a 10 or even 5 minute loop, as well, but that’s against the spirit of the Obedience and Barzahk may not take kindly to that.

This is probably one of the easiest Obediences to hide, by the by, especially if your travel is uneventful. You’ll just seem altruistic! Just... try not to get discouraged if that ‘fallen’ traveler suddenly leap up with a knife as his buddies emerge from the roadside. It’s likely only going to be a one-off incident. I’d discourage making “tend to” into a deadly euphemism, but would understand if you get ambushed one too many times. I’m sure Barzahk would, too.

Boons are gained slowly, gained at levels 12, 16, and 20. Servants of the Monitors, though, can enter the Proctor Prestige Class as early as level 8. If entered as early as possible, you can earn your Boons at levels 10, 14, and 16. You MUST take the Monitor Obedience feat, NOT Deific Obedience. Monitors grant only a single set of Boons.

SECOND NOTE: Barzahk is unique in that they’re the only Usher who has had their Boon set expanded upon. Without the DMs permission, you will only be able to take the Exalted set if you enter the Proctor class.

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EVANGELIST

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Boon 1: Know Who Passed. Gain Alarm 3/day, Perceive Cues 2/day, or Speak With Dead 1/day.

Ooh, I never even heard of Perceive Cues until today! It’s definitely one of those ‘would never prepare, but would love to have‘ spells that gives you a nice and chunky +5 bonus to Perception and Sense Motive for a whopping 10 minutes/level. As Perception is the most-rolled skill in the game, slapping it on just before creeping into a spooky manor or dingy cave can save you a lot of headaches. The bonus to Sense Motive is also useful when dealing with NPCs, sniffing out lies or hidden information.

Speak With Dead holds the distinction of being either useless or scenario-defining, though it’s certainly useful in situations where you stumble upon a scene of carnage or slaughter all the guards in an area after forgetting to interrogate them. Alarm has its niche uses as an emergency alert when you’re camping, or to alert you to someone following behind you, but I’d prefer to just have Perceive Cues most days.

Boon 2: Wings of the Wanderer. As a standard action, you may assume the form of a Giant Raven as if using Beast Shape II, and may remain in this form for 1 hour per HD you have; this time need not be consecutive, but must be used in 1-hour increments. While in this form, you have the raven’s Scavenger ability, a +2 insight bonus to your AC, and a +3 insight bonus to Perception checks. In addition, as a standard action, you may consume 1 hour of the transformation’s daily allotment to cast Enlarge Person or Reduce Person on yourself as a spell-like ability.

You ever wanted to be a bird? Now you can be! You start at 14 hours of birdyness and that only goes up from there, which is a GENEROUS amount of bird-being--a little over a typical adventuring day! Thankfully, it gives you something to spend all your Bird Points (BP) on in the form of letting you shrink or grow as you see fit, letting you put the Giant Raven’s stabbing beak to good work. More importantly, though, is the fact you can shrink yourself down to around normal bird size (ravens are a lot bigger than most think) to elude suspicion as you flit around an enemy’s encampment and see what they’re up to.

With the raven’s 60ft fly speed, you can also use it as an emergency escape button to flit out of danger’s path... But try not to get trapped in combat anyway, because once you go black(bird) you have to wait a whole hour to go back(bird). Using this ability in combat is almost never worth it unless your enemy is scared of ravens specifically, and while its scouting potential is incredible, the fact you’re stuck as a bird for an hour will prevent you from acting on what you’ve learned or even relaying what you’ve learned unless someone knows Speak With Animals.

Boon 3: Terrain Dominance. For every 5 HD you have, you gain one Terrain Dominance as if you were a Horizon Walker; you do not need to have the Terrain Mastery class feature to select a dominance. If you do not have a Favored Terrain bonus from another source, treat your Favored Terrain bonus as +2 when dealing with creatures native to the terrains over which you have dominance; you do not otherwise gain the benefits of Favored Terrain.

Oooooh, lovely! Terrain Dominance has some juicy selections in it, such as the Astral Plane (which lets you use Dimension Door 3 + Wis mod times/day), the Plane of Fire (Fire Resistance 20), mountains (DR 2/adamantine), and the Plane of Air (Fly as a spell-like 3 + Wis mod times/day). You get one dominance for every 5 HD you have, beginning at 3 and maxing out at 4, which is actually one more than the Horizon Walker gets for going through its entire class!

And then there’s the nice little bow on top with “you get +2 bonus on Bluff, Knowledge, Perception, Sense Motive, and Survival checks, as well as attack and damage rolls against creatures native to your selected terrains” written on it in very, very small letters. On the other side of the bow is some fine print that reads “I’m not sure if you can select new dominances each time you perform the Obedience or not but I’d love it if you could.”

Huh! Weird! That’s just what I was going to say! It’d make you a hell of a lot more flexible than the Horizon Walker is regularly, too... to the point I’d almost say ‘no you can’t change’ just to throw the poor class a bone. You may want to beat the class to death with a bone, though, and in such a case I won’t stop you! Custom tailor yourself for every day you face, and every terrain you embrace!

------

EXALTED

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Boon 1: Prepared Traveler. Gain Adjuring Step 3/day, Animal Messenger 2/day, or Phantom Steed 1/day.

Three niche spells, nice! Animal Messenger allows you to hypnotize a tiny critter and send it off on an errand for you, usually to deliver a small object to a specific location, but how often are you going to need to do that? You’re more likely to need Phantom Steed, a spell I’ve covered several times already but to reiterate: it’s great if only you and maybe one other person need to get somewhere quickly, but for someone who regularly travels around with a party? It’s usefulness is crunched unless everyone else in the party has a method of keeping up with your sweet ride.

Adjuring Step is a spell we haven’t yet seen, and it’s an interesting one for a caster. It allows you to take two 5-foot steps a round while preventing someone from taking an Attack of Opportunity against you once you do... But the effect breaks if you move more than 5ft with your move action, cast a harmful spell, or take an attack action. This limits its usefulness somewhat, especially since a DM may rule any spell which deals no hitpoint damage but still inhibits an enemy’s functions (even something as relatively innocent as Obscuring Mist) is still ‘harmful.’ If they rule ‘harmful’ only pertains to spells which deal damage or directly prevent a creature from moving or attacking, then Adjuring Step becomes MUCH better, letting you slide on out of a typical Medium enemy’s attack radius without getting slapped for your cowardice.

Of course, if your DM does rule ‘harmful’ includes any stifling of the senses, you can still use this ability to protect yourself while buffing allies.

It’s still not especially useful since it takes a full standard action to cast and prevents you from repositioning quickly without losing the effect, but if you find yourself always in an enemy’s Pain Zone, then you may consider taking it with you. 

Boon 2: Seasoned Traveler. You no longer take nonlethal damage from moving at a hustle overland. You gain Endurance and Nimble Moves as bonus feats.

:\

“Hustle” is moving about twice your normal walking speed, by the way. This ability grants you the ability to briskly jog for an infinite amount of time, which is impressive from an athleticism standpoint but basically useless for the average adventurer since A) Your party will lag behind your superhuman stamina, and B) If you alone need to get somewhere quickly, you’ll usually know ahead of time and can prepare Phantom Steed.

Endurance and Nimble Moves are decent quality-of-life feats that are incredibly dull to have as a divine boon. Endurance gives you a +4 bonus to saves versus an enormous amount of environmental factors, such as holding your breath, swimming against the tide, staying awake while fatigued or exhausted, or surviving on little food or water. Nimble Moves gives you the ability to ignore a single 5ft square of difficult terrain, a benefit so minor that it’s basically worthless, the feat itself only existing as a tax for fatter feats... Such as Acrobatic Steps, which gives you an additional 15ft of uninhibited movement.

THAT would be a good Boon, honestly. Or just do away with the feats altogether and give the worshiper difficulty-free movement. As it is, this Boon is incredibly disappointing.

Boon 3: Into the Dead Roads. 1/day as a full-round action, you can open a door to the Dead Roads and guide others with you to cross huge distances or travel the planes. This duplicates the effects of a Shadow Walk with a caster level equal to twice your Hit Dice. Alternately, you may use this ability as Plane Shift; in this case, the effect is not instantaneous, requiring 2d6 hours of travel by foot to arrive at a random point on the target plane.

The Dead Roads are the domain (or the true body) of Barzahk, and connect every plane that bears life to one another. With this, you can fling open the door and waltz on through whenever you feel like! Shadow Walk allows you to travel at the breakneck speed of 50 miles an hour and, thanks to this ability, has a double-take-worthy 2 hours/level of travel time. That’s 36 hours of travel at 50 miles an hour, or a grand total of 1,600 miles. That’s a little over halfway across America east-westwise, or all the way from Mexico to Canada north-southwise! WITHOUT having to deal with any inconvenient terrain, traffic jams, or highwaymen! “But what about--” Your Obedience? Good news! The Dead Roads count as a road for the purposes of your Obedience, and the personal stretch that you open up with this power is unlikely to have fallen travelers or gravesites to distract you from your journey.

Just make sure everyone goes to the bathroom and packs some snacks before going, because 36 hours is a while.

Also, as I covered way back in Ng’s article, having Plane Shift without the restriction of needing the attuned forks is a pretty nice tool to have, letting you throw open a doorway to anywhere you know of... But the 2d6-hour travel time kills its offensive uses, limiting it solely to a method of getting from Point A to Point B.

------

SENTINEL

------

Boon 1: Find the Lost. Gain Tireless Pursuit 3/day, Locate Object 2/day, or Follow Aura 1/day.

Niche gods will always have niche spells, I suppose. Tireless Pursuit is a little insulting because it reveals that Seasoned Traveler is the equivalent of a level 1 spell... And in fact Tireless Pursuit is better since it protects from forced marches as well. Hrm. Still falls into the same trappings, though, especially since it’s personal use only. Ew.

Follow Aura gives you the power to literally sniff out Chaos, Law, Good, or Evil, making you an expert at tracking down shapeshifting Outsiders or sniffing out items or spells bearing such a stench, but you must know what alignment you’re looking for (you can choose only one aspect) and it’s really only good if you have a few ranks in Survival to track the target. In addition, it has no effect on mortals who are just plain Evil or Good or what have you unless they have a palpable aura of alignment. It can only trace moderate or stronger auras, meaning that it’s usually only Outsiders or magic.

So that leaves Locate Object, a spell which does exactly what it suggests. It gives you a Long (400+40ft/level) ranged bubble that detects any one object you can visualize in your head, or the closest item matching a generic description. The radius is wide enough to catch a thief on the run but likely too small to sense a quest objective, plus it’s blocked by any amount of lead (much like other Locate/Detect spells) and any villain locking up a plot coupon will likely lock it up in a lead-coated box.

All three of these spells are of incredibly niche use, which as I’ve mentioned before, makes is difficult to know which one you’ll actually need on a given day. I’d probably pack Locate Object, just in case.

Boon 2: Studied Hunter. For every 5 HD you possess, you gain one Favored Enemy and a +2 bonus on Survival checks to track creatures of that type/subtype, as well as on Diplomacy, Heal, Knowledge, and Sense Motive checks regarding them, and a +1 dodge bonus to AC against attacks of creatures of that type/subtype.

So when you first get this Boon, you gain two Favored Enemies and have a +4 bonus on a bunch of skill checks and +2 AC versus them. Once you hit level 20, this is four enemies, a +8 bonus on all those skill checks and a +4 AC! Since you’ve selected your Favored Enemies likely long after the campaign has begun, you’ve also probably gotten a pretty good idea of what you’re going to face! This blessing is beautifully beefy, but you may notice that it doesn’t confer the damage boost against the enemy, trading that off for additional AC instead. A good enough trade, I’d say, because it’s a dodge bonus, so it applies to your touch AC AND--more importantly--stacks with any other dodge bonuses you may have!

You may also notice that these skills are mostly defensive and combat-avoidant, rather than the more offensive and sneaky skill bonuses the Ranger normally gets (Diplomacy instead of Bluff, Heal instead of Perception, etc). And I like that! Because Barzahk is about defending the Dead Roads from invaders, not hauling off and viciously tracking the invaders back in their home. These abilities make you better at resolving things peacefully with your chosen foes... And, especially in the case of Heal, allows you to better tend to the travelers you meet as you walk the worldly roads.

Also, much like with Terrain Dominance, it’s not entirely clear whether or not you can swap your selected foes each time you complete this Obedience. For the sake of game balance, I’d say ‘no.’

Boon 3: Warden of the Ways. You no longer need to drink, eat, or sleep to survive, though you must still rest with only light activity for at least 2 hours a day to renew your spells. While on a road, pathway, or tunnel, you gain DR 4/—; your DM has final approval over what qualifies as a road, pathway, or tunnel.

Speaking of defensive abilities, how would you like insurmountable DR when battling on your home turf? This ability makes you a truly tireless Sentinel of all paths you cross, removing your needs and allowing you to focus fully on your duties. Note that resting for 2 hours is only needed for restoring your spells, by the way, because if you have no spells to prepare then you technically never have to lay down. The biggest issue you’ll face is what to do while the rest of your party is snoozing, so perhaps doing a perimeter sweep for your Obedience’s sake would be nice? Or you can spend your day adventuring, and your nights crafting.... Oh yes, yes I like that. When is downtime for you? Every night!

Becoming needless is a decent enough Boon if you can take advantage of the extra hours in your day, and the recharge after only 2 hours (remember that almost every caster cannot regain spells more than once in a 24 hour period) of light activity is definitely something to keep in mind, but that would still make this Boon a weak one to end on, which is why Barzahk also grants you a massive (for a player) 4 DR that can only be bypassed by abilities that specifically bypass DR. While 4 DR isn’t exactly jaw-dropping, that still means you’ve essentially gained what a Barbarian waits 16 levels for, WHILE multiclassing! And unlike a Barbarian, Sentinels are proficient with heavy armor and tower shields to make damaging them as frustrating as possible.

... Of course, there’s the small but unfortunate detail that you only HAVE this bonus while on some sort of connector. While a common enemy may be dumb enough to fight you on your own turf, you’re probably not going to be brawling with actual threats in hallways, meaning this ability shuts off for most boss battles and set encounters. You’ll have to work to drag your foes into the narrow walkways from which you draw your resilience, but try not to stress too hard about it, because remember that magical damage typically ignores DR unless it deals physical damage. If you’re facing enemies wielding powerful magic, you don’t have to worry about making your way back onto the beaten path. You’re just as vulnerable as everyone else!

You can read more about them here.

[edream93]

You’re a Gryffindor, Hook...

Hey, so the day’s almost over but I wanted to do a Huma Harry Potter AU since it was “the boy’s who lived” birthday. This beginning is based off of an earlier post with Huma HP AU headcanons that I did that you can check out here. I can’t promise that I’ll update this but I had some free time on my hand today. Anyway, hope you enjoy, let me know what you think, and please like and reblog.

“Slytherin. Slytherin. Slytherin.”

“Another Hook, eh? Hm...you’re definitely brave, boy...to the point of recklessness even...and that temper...HA!

“Slytherin! Slytherin! Slytherin!”

“But you’re not just a hot head, are you? There’s something else there...loyalty...honor…”

“SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN!”

“...well it looks like it’s gotta be… GRYFFINDOR!!!”

“....no…”

This couldn’t be happening.

This...it..it just couldn’t be happening.

No...No...Nononononono-

“Mister Hook, I need you to move on along to your house table so that we can continue the sorting ceremony,” Fairy Godmother spoke next to him, a hint of annoyance in her otherwise calm tone as she removed the Sorting Hat from one Harry James Hook’s head.

Harry stood up, oddly compliant as Professor Godmother gave him a gentle nudge towards his assigned house table. He took a shaky step forward, nearly tripping over his robes as he went down the short set of steps towards his newly assigned house table.

His body moved on its own, mind blank except for one thought: “I’m a Slytherin, like me da. Like ‘Ettie. Not a Gryffindor...This can’t be right. It-it just can’t!”

But as he neared the table filled with crimson and gold wearing young wizards and witches, glaring at him like he was the upchuck that his father’s old familiar Tic Toc had spat out, Harry’s once plain black robes began to magically become trimmed with the colors of the brave and valiant house of Gryffindor.

“Fuck,” he groaned as he flopped himself down at the end of table, his earlier appetite gone and oblivious to the glares of his own house; oblivious to the sorting ceremony continuing; and oblivious to his best friend, Uma Triskelion being sorted into Slytherin, and the look of guilt on her face as she passed him, heading to the excited welcoming cheers of the Slytherin table.

---

Hours earlier, Uma flopped back into her seat, Mal’s annoying little cackle seeming to still echo throughout the room despite her having been gone for the last ten minutes. “What if I don’t get into Slytherin with you? What if Mal is right? What if-”

“Don’t ye even finish that thought, lass,” Harry hissed, jumping across the space that separates them in one of the small compartments of the Hogwarts Express to cover her mouth with his hand.

The young witch slapped his hand away, glaring at him before turning her head quickly to look out of the window, black braids nearly smacking her oldest friend.

Harry huffed, falling back in his seat across from her, the shirt of his uniform already untucked and his hair as messy and wild as always. “Come on, Uma,” he sighed. “You’re gonna be there in Slytherin right there with me and prove to that momma’s girl Mal and everyone else that they ain’t even half the witch you are.”

The compartment was silent for a second before Uma spoke, insecurity still in her voice. “If I’m not in Slytherin, Harry…” Uma began before cutting herself off, clearing her throat as she stared down at her shoes. “Will...will we still be friends?”

The boy looked at her quietly for a second before breaking out into a loud laugh. “Is that what got ye worried?” He ignored Uma’s scathing glare and moved to sit down next to her. “Uma, even if you get sorted with them lousy ‘Puffs, we’ll always stick together. No matter what.” Harry stuck out his hand towards her in a promise. “That’s a promise. I swear,” he murmured sincerely.

Uma let out a small smile. “Okay,” she nodded, taking his hand. “We stick together.”

---

Trying to sleep had been useless for Harry and it showed with how easily the bags underneath his eyes had formed.

The upperclassmen in Gryffindor had made it clear from the very beginning that they didn’t trust him because his da had been a dark wizard. That they thought he was gonna throw a killing curse at them while they were sleeping. When the rumors spread, noone, not even the other first years in his house wanted to be near him.

And he didn’t even want to think about how his eldest sister Harriet, a former Slytherin herself, was going to skin him alive when she found out about this. Hooks had been sorted into Slytherin for generations. He could just hear the hollwer that Harriet would send blaming him as always for something that wasn’t even his fault.

Harry groaned at the thought as he made his way to his first class. Honestly, he would have ditched class to avoid the staring and whispers if it hadn’t been for his damn head of house strolling into the dorm room Harry shared with some of the other boys in his year and tugging him by the ear out of bed.

“Merlin’s beard,” he paused in front of the classroom door. He wasn’t ready for this. He couldn’t do this. Nope. Nope. Nope. He may be a lot of things but he wouldn’t be the laughingstock of the school. He knew that once he stepped foot into that room full of Gryffindors and Slytherins he’d be surrounded by untrusting lions and devious snakes ready to exploit him. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to-

“Geez, did you get petrified by a Gorgon or something, Hook?” a familiar voice startled him. Harry spun around, coming face to face with Uma, an expectant look on the girl’s features. He couldn’t help but notice her robes, with their silver and emerald green trimming and matching tie. He should be wearing those colors too.

Harry would be lying if he didn’t admit a curl of jealousy crept into his throat at the sight. But it only lasted for a second as he felt an overwhelming sense of happiness for his friend. At least she would be fine. At least she would finally be able to show Mal and the rest of this stupid school that she was a witch not to be messed with. It was nice to think that he could at least look back on this and say he used to know Uma Triskelion before she left him behind for better things, the witch that-

“Quit your internal monologuing Hook before we’re late for class,” she hissed pushing past him, surprising him when she grabbed his arm as she passed, pulling him along.

Harry wasn’t prepared for the sudden shift and nearly fell on his face, catching himself just as Uma gave another forceful tug on his arm, pulling him further into the room. Any conversation that had been occurring immediately stopped, everyone watching as the short Slytherin girl determinedly pulled the outcast of Gryffindor into an empty seat before she sat down next to him. No one said a thing, neither on the Slytherin side of the room nor on the Gryffindor side. Even Harry found himself speechless as he watched Uma casually ruffle through her bag for her materials for class.

Uma seemed to allow a few more seconds of being stared at before she turned around, glaring fiercely at the other students until they averted their eyes, going into hushed conversations, pondering why the heck a Slytherin and a Gryffindor - members of the two houses with the biggest rivalries against each other for centuries - were sitting with each other.

When Uma turned back to Harry, she was met with pure shock and awe in his bright blue eyes.

“Uma, why-” Harry began but was cut off by a small hand against his lips, reminiscent of what he had done to her only the day before.

“Don’t you even finish that thought, Hook,” she hissed, the look in her eyes firm but not harsh. “We always stick together, right?” she stated more than questioned just as Professor Godmother came in to begin their Transfiguration class.

Harry bit his lip, tilting his head down just slightly so that his always messy hair obscured his eyes for a moment. “A-aye,” he managed to get out.

Uma didn’t say a word but she shifted slightly closer to him so that her leg brushed against his, ignoring the lingering eyes of their fellow classmates, in order to provide the simple comfort letting him know that she was there for him, that she would always be there for him.

When Harry finally did lift up his head, his eyes were bright and he flashed her his usual mischievous smile, making a face to mock Professor Godmother and her lecture whenever her back was turned back to the class.

They nearly got caught and given a week’s worth of detention on their first day when Uma couldn’t hold in her giggles at a particularly funny face Harry had made but it didn’t matter. Not to Harry at least.

Slytherin or not, he had Uma.

That would be enough for him. 

[ryadel]

ASP.NET - Create MSI or setup.exe installer for any .NET Project with WiX

If you're an ASP.NET developer working with client applications using either Windows Forms (aka WinForms) projects, WPF Projects, Windows Console applications, Windows Service projects and/or any .NET Core Desktop App project (and so on), you most likely know that sooner or later you'll have to find a way to deploy your work to your end-users. Such need is usually handled by creating an installer package which would arguably have the form of either a MSI file (acronym for MicroSoft Installer) or a EXE file, just like any typical software application or tool you can download from the web. You click on it, it prompts you to accept the software license and/or EULA, then (if you accept) asks you to confirm the installation path where it will unpack the files, create the desktop/start menu shortcuts, and so on. Right? Right. Now, the question is: how can we pull it off? In other words, what's the best way to create these installer packages for the aforementioned ASP.NET projects in order to grant our end-users a decent user-friendly "installing experience", possibly using the standard Windows Installer API? If you're using Visual Studio, there are mostly three ways to achieve such goal: Using the Visual Studio Windows Installer Deployment Project Template, also known as Setup Project Template: this has been the "standard" way to perform such task since Visual Studio 2002 and (officially) available up to Visual Studio 2010, which is the last VS version that came out before Mirosoft chose stop supporting it in 2012. However, these projects can still be created on Visual Studio 2012 (and above, up to 2019) thanks to the great MSI Installer Project extension port. Using WiX, a open-source toolset that lets developers create installers for Windows Installer, the Windows installation engine. Using other third-party tools, such as Advanced Installer, Actual Installer and so on (here's a useful list of installation software tools for Windows). In this post we'll learn how to use WiX, which is arguably the best option of the pack (at least in our humble ASP.NET developers opinion) for a number of reasons: it's open source, has a strong community support and easily is the most powerful and configurable setup and deployment framework available.

Installation

To setup WiX in your Visual Studio environment you need to download and install the following packages, both available from wixtoolset.org, the official WiX project website: WiX v3.11.1 (latest stable at the time of writing - check here for the most recent release). WiX Toolset Visual Studio 2017 Extension, a VS extension providing "seamless" integration for the WiX Toolset into Visual Studio (requires the WiX Toolset v3.11.1 build tools from the above link). If you have older version of Visual Studio, you can also get the extension for VS2015 down to VS2010 from this link. There's also a VS2019 Preview Extension that mostly works on Visual Studio 2019. The installment process is quite straightforward, you'll just have to hit Next and OK a couple times to get it done: don't forget to reboot Visual Studio once the installation is done, to ensure that both the extension and the project templates will be loaded.

Creating a Sample Project

For the sake of simplicity, let's pretend you already have a WPF project ready to be deployed to the end-users called MyWFPProject, which you want pack into a MSI file. Right-click to the solution name in the Solution Explorer panel and choose Add... > New Project. From the project template list, choose the Setup Project for WiX v3 project template:

NOTE: WiX v4 is still in beta at the time of writing, that's why we don't use it (yet). As we can see, we called the setup project MyWPFProject_Setup: once done, you'll have a brand new WiX project containing a single Product.wxs file, which is the WiX configuration file. If you open it, you'll get a graps of how WiX works... it basically has its very own scripted XML file, which you can use to tell it what to do. The default template that is generated when you create a new WiX project will generates a build warning. If you try to build it without performing any change, the Output window will most likely show the following warning: The cabinet 'MySetup.cab' does not contain any files. If this installation contains no files, this warning can likely be safely ignored. Otherwise, please add files to the cabinet or remove it. This error message is telling us that the WiX project does not yet reference an application, therefore there is nothing to install: once we add at least a single file to the installer, this warning will go away.

Minimal Configuration

Here's the minimal configuration to generate a working MSI file: As we can see, the XML structure is quite understandable: we do have a element, containing the general info about the project we want to deploy, and a couple elements: the first one containing the directory info (which folder to create on the end-users machine), and the latter containing the product components, i.e. the files to copy. It's worth noting that the element contains a element referencing the ID of a ComponentGroup specified later on: we'll talk about this in a while. We also removed the TODO comments and replaced them with our actual content: notice how we used $(var.FatturaXML.TargetPath) instead of a full path. That's one of the many project reference variables, which is one of the most useful features of WiX: think of them as environment variables that you can use within the XML configuration file instead of specifying static literal values. Here's the full list of the available variables: needless to say, we used the one that references our project's main executable file - the one that is built whenever we issue the Build Visual Studio command. This sample XML configuration file will package that newly-built executable within a convenient MSI file, which we can send to our end-users for a one-click install: he'll just have to read and accept the license agreement. That's great, right? Well, not yet! Such MSI file would still have the following major flaws: No icon (argh!) - the MSI will have the ugly "nameless app" default icon, which is something we would really like to change. Forced installation path - The end-user won't have the chance to select a custom installation folder: our application will be forcefully installed on C:\Program Files\MyWPFProject\. No EULA - The end-user won't have the chance to read and (be forced to) accept our software's EULA before installing and using it. No DLLs or external files/components - In the (most likely) scenario we have some third-party DLLs not included in the .NET Framework used, they won't be shipped, which basically means that our app will utterly crash as soon as they will be called by the compiled code: the same goes for external files and/or folders, such as: icons, images, resource files, and so on. In the following paragraphs we'll briefly deal with these 3 critical aspects, leaving all the rest to the WiX official documentation and the WiX v3 Manual - which we strongly suggest to look at.

Application Icon

Let's start with the easy task: add a icon.ico file to the Setup project containing your favourite image(s) and then link it to the element within the XML configuration file in the following way: As we can see, we added two elements: the element, which contains the icon.ico file full path, and a element defining the ARPPRODUCTICON value, which specifies the foreign key to the Icon table, which is the primary icon for the Windows Installer package  (for more info about the ARPPRODUCTICON property, read here).

Custom Installation Path

Giving the end-user the chance to choose a custom installation path requires to use a WiX GUI sequence, which is basically a pre-made GUI wizard containing some additional "steps" which we can configure using pre-defined variables. This part is rather obscure in the official WiX documentation and it's one of the main reasons that drove us into writing this tutorial. Here's how we can use the WixUI_InstallDir sequence to give our end-users the chance to replace the default installation folder with their own path: Again, all the action happens within the element. As we can see, we added the element (pointing to the WixUI_InstallDir GUI sequence) and another element: the former element will empower the setup wizard with a "Choose folder..." page, while the latter will setup the default install folder that will appear - and that will be used if the user doesn't want to change it. IMPORTANT: using a pre-made GUI sequence will require to add a Project Reference to the  WixUIExtension.dll file: to do that, right-click the References project folder, choose Add Reference from the contextual menu, then navigate to C:\Program Files (x86)\WiX Toolset v3.11\bin\ and select the WixUIExtension.dll file.

Adding the EULA

Now that we added the WixUI_InstallDir GUI sequence, adding our very own License Agreement file is rather simple. We just have to add the following elements to the element: The element mentions a LicenseAgreement.rtf file, which we'll have to add to our Setup project (right-click > Add new). If we do that, our very own EULA will be shown to our end-users during the installation phase, forcing them to either accept it or decline the whole setup process.

Adding external DLL files

Adding external DLL files will require slightly more work, as we'll have to mention each one of them individually within a brand new element within the containing the files to put into the MSI package: Needless to say, replace the sample names DLLName_01 and DLLName_01.dll (and so on) with the name & filename of your own DLLs.  As we can see, since we specified the Source attribute using the $(var.MyWPFProject.TargetDir) WiX variable, we won't have to add the full path to the DLLs... as long as they will be copied to the "build" target folder. Once done, we'll just have to add a reference to the new ComponentGroup to the node present in the element:

Conclusion

That's it, at least for now: if you want to look we strongly suggest to take a look at Stefan Kruger's installsite.org website, a peculiar website dedicated to the installer topic which offers valuable insights, software reviews and other useful resources for Setup Developers. Here are other useful resources taken to this StackOverflow thread by Stein Asmul, which also contains a list of other non-WiX installer resources: WixEdit - a great visual editor for WiX XML configuration files: if you hate learning the WiX custom syntax and manually write XML files, this tool is for you. Wix Quick-Start Tips, a great answer posted on the StackOverflow website. FireGiant, WiX's commercial branch, featuring a neat WiX expansion pack (not open-source, though). Windows Installer and the creation of WiX (the idea behind WiX). How to install and start a Windows Service using WiX, another great tutorial available on StackOverflow.   Read the full article

[canaryatlaw]

Today was decent. Not particularly thrilling but nothing this week has been. Tomorrow is my last full day here and I'm having mixed feelings. Like part of me is kind of sad the trip is over already, but part of me also feels like I have been here for a while now and it just doesn't feel permanent to me, like it doesn't feel like home, it doesn't feel like my life. And I guess that's kind of sad given this is where my family lives, but it's just not my everyday, not where I always want to be. I want to be at work because I love my job, I want to be at school because as hard as law school is I so enjoy being there, I want to be at my church because the people there are amazing and I feel like I can connect with God without having to deal with all the righteous hypocrisy that plagues too many of the churches I've been to. That stuff is my life, and none of that is here. I feel guilty when I see things like my mom's post from yesterday though, like her worrying about me living so far away, and like, I don't want to make my mom sad of course, it's just....I don't know. It's complicated. Family stuff I'll maybe work out in therapy some day when I have the time and need to do so. But anyway. I woke up earlier than I have been and couldn't fall back asleep. I originally actually woke up at 5:39 am and couldn't fall back asleep but did after a while, then rewoke up at 10:39 am (I shit you not) and couldn't fall back asleep again, at which point I said fuck it and got out of bed. I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom and when I opened the door my brother jumped out and tried to scare me, and I jumped a little bit. I went downstairs and talked to my mom, and she suggested we go get food again lol because she likes going out with me, she said we could go to the same place again but I said 3 times in one week might be a bit much....so instead we settled on another cute breakfast place by us that also happens to be where I'm going with my cousin and brother tomorrow.....but hey, we don't have unlimited options here lol. So I go back upstairs to get changed, and wait outside my brothers door for like 10 minutes waiting for him to come out and jumped out at him, which was very much worth the wait. While I was waiting, our golden retriever who's not supposed to be upstairs but sneaks up there anyway pushed the door to my room open as it want closed all the way, then it drifted closed behind him and he couldn't get out and started barking.....crazy dog. So then I got changed and drove to the breakfast place. I was gonna get French toast or pancakes or something being that I pretty much always get something like that, but instead decided on getting an egg sandwich because my sister had one the other day and it looked really good, plus I'm going back there tomorrow so I can always try the other stuff then. And maybe I should try to eat less sugar because I eat a lot of sugar, lol. So I got a bacon egg and cheese on a roll sandwich (with a side of fruit) that was quite good, so we had a nice little meal. After that my mom wanted to stop at trader joes so we did that, and they were giving out samples of their caramel nut popcorn called "Rosencrunch and Guildenpop" and who can name that slightly obscure theatre reference?? I was sufficiently amused. While we were checking out we were about to get on one line when my mom saw someone she knew so she went to get online behind them and they're talking and going on, and the cashier and I are just like, standing there looking at each other like welp, lol. Of course later in the transaction my mom runs into ANOTHER person she knows, so that was even better, and the cashier and I are just like laughing at this point. Like I mentioned earlier, she was definitely flirting with me a bit and I didn't really mind lol. I mean, it's nice to have attention? Occasionally I'll wonder that if because I have short hair and don't always wear make up/sometimes wear not the most feminine clothes people might think I look like a lesbian, but it's not something I give that much thought to (okay that might be a little bit of a stretch, I give a decent amount of thought to it). It's just....complicated due to growing up in a ridiculously homophobic Christian environment and still having brothers who throw around words like "dyke" on a regular basis (like "I saw these two dykes at the bar the other day kissing") and it's just...strange for me at least. It doesn't carry over into my thoughts on anyone else, at all, it's just something that enters my mind more than I would like it to because it's really fucking stupid and I know I really shouldn't give a crap anyway......this is becoming an unnecessary rant that I'm probably not even explaining well enough, so I'm just gonna end that here. It's complicated. But anyway. So we had a nice little interaction before we left the store. After that my mom wanted to stop at marshalls and shop for a bit. Ever since I started needing business like clothing and have needed a good bit of it (this semester I'll be in business wear 3 days a week, last semester it was 4) I'm always trying to find different combinations and such, which makes me go kind of marshalls crazy because they have a ton of good stuff for that. I was mostly looking for solid color tops and solid color pants to match with my many patterned tops and pants, and also just to get more pants in general since it's getting cold now and being in a skirt is becoming less ideal. So I did quite a bit of damage in that area haha, they just have some really good stuff for that, so I got a bunch of cute solid color things and a few patterned things because I'm weak, okay? I did get a white sweater with black stars that look kind of drawn on and it's totally my *aesthetic* and I was very pleased with that lol. But we finished up there and headed home, and shortly after getting there my sister got home from school and wanted to go to chickfila because of course she did, so I took her there. I was still kind of full from my earlier meal, so I just got a yogurt parfait (with chocolate cookie crumbs, of course). So we sat and ate that did a while and it was nice. We started talking about movies a bit and decided we would watch 400 Days when we get back, so that's what we did. I probably made it worse for myself by reading the damn review that made it seem like the creepy zombie guy was like, the entire second half of the movie, instead of like in two stupid scenes. So when he showed up I started freaking out a bit lol and then he disappears so for the whole rest of the damn movie I'm like omg he's gonna pop out any second now and he does come back eventually and Brandon Routh's fucking character lets him out of the cage he was in because ??? Lol, but other than that it was a pretty good movie, not really scary but definitely thriller. The plot does seem kind of aimless at points, like it sets you up for a big reveal and then kind of just drops off. Brandon and Caity were freaking awesome in it though, Brandon's character was cracking me up because he starts it getting bailed out of jail for being in a bar fight and I'm just like....lol, definitely no Ray Palmer here. And he's talking about how upset he is that his girlfriend just dumped him, who we then find out is Caity's character, who's also going into the 400 day simulation with him and just two other people.....kind of awkward eh? Lol. And then we find out later (spoiler alert) the guy running the simulation told her she had to break it off with him if she wanted to do the mission because it wasn't the kind of data they wanted or some bs like that and his character gets really mad that she didn't tell him....and then Tom Cavanagh shows up for a while and his character is just like....???? What the hell are you doing here??? Very random lol but fairly entertaining. Then of course the end is like the thing goes off saying oh your simulation is done come outside we're all here to celebrate with you but they had just been outside and it was like this desolate wasteland with crazy people and moon dust, and then it's just the two of them and they hold hands and then it just ends without showing us what happens and I'm like......dude, you're killing me!! I don't like not knowing what happens, lol. But overall it was a pretty good movie that I enjoyed and I'm just gonna pray I don't get too many nightmares from it because that's usually what happens when I watch scary movies and I'm so not a fan. But anyway. After that we kind of skipped between a few different things, and watched like one song's worth of the recording of Shrek the musical (not my choice) but my sister eventually settled on what to expect when you're expecting, which we watched back in like 2013 when we were just binging rom-coms and she wanted to watch it again. I liked it again the second time around, I forgot wha happens with Anna Kendrick's character and that made me sad but otherwise it's a pretty well done and cute movie. After that I just hung out for a while but then went outside the back room to go sit in the living room with my parents because I was thinking about my mom's post yesterday and wanting to give her more time to see me, but it ended up not being a great idea because my dad started bitching over the person supposedly hassling Ivanka Trump on the plane and when I said the person covering it doesn't seem to care about the several Muslim families that have been harassed on planes since the election and he got all pissy and was like "that's not even relevant stop" and I was just like ????? I have no fucking clue how you live in your goddamn bubble where someone harassing Ivanka Trump on an airplane is the worst thing that's ever happened meanwhile minorities everywhere are being harassed and straight up abused, but that's not relevant?? Like no, shut up. So I made some comment about not knowing how much he could respect me anyway while voting for someone like that which I'm fairly sure pissed him off more but at that point I didn't even care because it was true anyway, there's a good chunk of my respect that he lost by voting for Trump that he's never going to be able to win back, and that's just how it is. So I was kind of pissy with him for the rest of the night, and then my sister basically had a teenager tantrum because my parents were saying this place she's decided she wants to have her sweet 16 is too far away and nobody will be able to come (and to be fair it's like, on the queens border, so at least an hour drive from us) but she was just not having it and it carried on for a while because even though she was being a brat they were also being obstinate about it and I was just like ffs she just wants to look at the place her sweet 16 isn't until goddamn October she can look at the place it's not gonna hurt anything and that was basically the conclusion they came to, but with a lot more unnecessary whining and such. Sigh, lol. I rarely actually get annoyed at my sister mostly because I just love her so much, and even when I can acknowledge she's acting like a brat (which she does sometimes) it doesn't really make me mad at her and I wasn't really annoyed with her tonight, so it was just whatever. And yeah, after that I just hung out for a bit before heading to get ready for bed, and that was my day. I have to be up in 9 hours now so I guess I'll be going to sleep now. Goodnight peeps. Happy weekend. And oh, no grades still. Sigh.

[concerthopperblog]

15 Standout Americana and Roots Music Release of 2020 So Far

It's tradition to start every mid-year favorite albums column with some variant on “it's hard to believe half a year has gone by.” But anyone who has lived through 2020 knows it is only hard because it's hard to believe only half a year has gone by. With no live music and barely any social interaction, it feels like 2020 has been about 3 years long. Fortunately, the lack of live music has not deterred the Americana and roots communities from releasing some stellar albums. While these 15 represent my favorites, though not “best” as many other publications insist, because being one person with only two ears, I can't possibly have heard every release, even just in the Americana world. So if your favorite roots release isn't here, there's a good chance I haven't heard it or it might not have grabbed me as much as some others, and trust me, even with 15 I had to cut some stellar releases from American Aquarium, Jim Lauderdale, and John Moreland, and disqualified releases from Corb Lund, and Sugarcane Jane that may make my year-end list simply because they came out so late in June as to not give them a fair shake. So here it is, one humble journalist's favorite roots music albums (including, for the first time, live albums) of 2020 so far. Feel free to let me know yours in the comments. Where we've reviewed the album, I've linked it in the title. Otherwise, I've added a Youtube link to a favorite song.

15. Nate Lee- Wings of a JetlinerBecky Buller Band mandolinist and IBMA Award winner Nate Lee decided to take a break from his main gig to record and release a solo album, though you'd be forgiven for not noticing since almost all of his bandmates make an appearance. The biggest difference is the solo album gives Lee license to experiment with Western swing, jazz, and even a bluegrassed up cover of The Offspring's punk rock anthem “All Along.” The result is a playful but no less masterfully performed album from a criminally under-known mandolin prodigy.

14. Marcus King Band- El DoradoYet another Nashville discovery from The Black Keys' Dan Auerbach's Easy Eye Sound. Marcus King has been performing his rock guitar gymnastics in and around Nashville for years, but El Dorado is the true coming out party. With Auerbach's '70s aesthetic to back him up, King delivers a deliciously retro letter of love to the soul-tinged Southern guitar rock of Muscle Shoals. King's bluesy guitar work and leathery voice make you wonder if he's going to spontaneously sprout a giant beard and become the 4th member of ZZ Top.

13. Antsy McClain- 15 Songs from IsolationAnyone familiar with the work of Antsy McClain will not be surprised that he's one of the first to come out of the COVID lockdowns with a studio album of originals, many themed around the isolation of the time. Always a fast writer and a DIY artist used to producing his own content from his home studio, McClain delivers an album full of wit and philosophy about the good, the bad, and the boredom of being stuck at home with your family for months on end.

12. Teddy Thompson- Heartbreaker PleaseThe son of British folk gods Richard and Linda Thompson, you might think that Teddy's music would be steeped in the tradition of Fairport Convention or even Lonnie Donegan. Instead, Heartbreaker Please pays homage to early rock and roll, rockabilly, and doo wop. The set of songs about breakups, self-doubt, and a world that has moved on without him are some of Thompson's strongest lyrics yet, and an album worth multiple listens.

11. Della Mae- Headlight Della Mae, despite numerous lineup changes, has been one of the more consistently good acts in roots music, and one that was not afraid to get political long before Donald Trump sparked the strongest protest music movement since the '60s. On Headlight, the band keeps to the style that brought them to success. The title track is a defiant battle cry against a society that “slut-shames” victims of sexual abuse. The gospel-tinged “Change” strikes a more positive tone, reminding that a change from the oppression and hate is coming if the young of America will it. It also features The McCrary Sisters, who alone are worth the price of admission.

10. Secret Emchy Society- The ChaserSome people hear about the “Queer Country” movement and think all of the songs are either going to all be about gay romances or political statements. But that's not the case. Instead, Queer Country is simply a reminder that you can be out and included in country music, despite what the ultra-conservative country establishment wants. One of the best examples is Secret Emchy Society's The Chaser. It's as hard living, hard drinking, and hard fighting as any outlaw country album, it just happens to be made by an out artist. Put album highlight “Whiskey Fightin' Terri” on any country dive bar jukebox rotation and it would be celebrated without anyone knowing any different. Which is the point. Who you love doesn't make your art, and The Chaser is pure art for anyone who loves rowdy classic country drawl.

9. Margo Price- Perfectly Imperfect at the RymanI usually limit my list of favorites to studio albums, but the release of Margo Price's Perfectly Imperfect, culled from her three-night Ryman residency in 2018, is something that has been a bit of a “holy grail” for fans that it had to be included. In addition to live renditions of her outstanding album cuts, the set also captures the guest appearances during the shows, including the person who “discovered” Price and gave her a label debut on Third Man, Jack White, a friend from their days of toiling in relative obscurity, Sturgill Simpson, and the absolute queen of Americana, Emmylou Harris.

8. X- AlphabetlandThis is the point where someone says “Wait! X is a punk band!” Yes. Yes they are. But even in the '70s they had a fairly pronounced rockabilly backbone and, since founding members John Doe and Exene Cervenka have both gone almost purely Americana in their solo work, the influences on their new album Alphabetland is even more pronounced, with the group losing none of their snarling punk fury, but introducing more Carl Perkins-style guitar licks in the background. The saying “there are no old punk rockers” have never seen X. They're as good, if not better, than they ever were.

7. Whitney Rose- We Still Go to RodeosWe Still Go to Rodeos is Whitney Rose's declaration of independence. Free from labels, fully solo writing, and co-producing for the first time, the Canadian-born Austin transplant retains the core of her “Lesley Gore meets Bobbie Gentry” sound while experimenting with wailing guitar rock on some tracks. Here, Rose truly finds her voice, penning slice of life vignettes about scorned lovers, judgmental small towns, and the joys of simple pleasures, it's her most mature offering yet, and one that should be on any Americana lover's shelf.

6. Sawyer Fredericks- Flowers For YouIt's hard to think of anyone with several hundred thousand Facebook followers as “criminally underrated”, but Sawyer Fredericks gained his fame when he won The Voice in 2016 and, while he has retained a loyal following, likely confused a lot of people when he walked away from the folk-pop label world to follow his heart into what he likes to call “free range folk.” On Flowers for You, Fredericks takes the next step in his evolution with an album that, for the first time, doesn't feel like a Sawyer Fredericks solo album with a band of hired hands, but a fully realized band album recorded with his touring group. Everyone gets their time to shine but at the core is Fredericks' gravelly wail, which he uses perfectly for his soulful and often mournful folk, but also puts to good use here with some rockers. He even gets a bit political with the album's best track, “Call It Good”, which fires a howitzer level of venom at the corporate structure that throws perfectly good food away rather than donate it or discount it while so many people live with almost nothing.

5. Jake Blount- Spider TalesWhile, since it's at #5, there were albums I liked better, if I were to list the most important albums of 2020, Spider Tales would be #1. As an openly gay black man who loves roots music, Blount has three strikes against him in the mainstream and, from the songs on Spider Tales, named for an African trickster god whose tales often championed the powerless over the powerful, he could not care less. Mining musical archives both for old songs in the black string band tradition (further cementing that the banjo IS an African instrument appropriated by white people), but also songs made famous by white musicians who learned them from black artists. Jake Blount has emerged as his generation's most important musical historian, following in the footsteps of Dom Flemons and Rhiannon Giddens in making history fun to listen to.

4. Jill Andrews- ThirtiesWhile Jill Andrews may just be ending her thirties, she's been a veteran musician for over 20 years, founding the outstanding The Everybodyfields while still a teenager. With Thirties, Andrews releases a loose concept album, looking at various reality checks experienced on her trip through adulthood, a time when, as a kid, she assumed “people at this age had it together.” Instead, you get songs from starting over after a broken marriage to the realize that the march of time is taking your children and turning them into little adults before your eyes. Jill Andrews' angelic voice alone would have earned it a spot on this list, but the songs that resonate with this person well into his own trip through the forties, speak to me in a way few others this year have. Whatever her age, Jill Andrews continues to be as much a treasure as she ever was when she was a teenager.

3. Tami Neilson- Chickaboom!For the first four and a half months of 2020, Chickaboom was my runaway #1 album. It took releases from two of Americana's most consistent megastars to knock it down to 3. But that makes it no less great. The Canada-raised New Zealander has a firmer grasp on the very American rockabilly genre than almost anyone in roots music today. The absolute power of Neilson's voice on Chickaboom doesn't so much fill a room as slam into it with the force of a concussion grenade. The album's themes run from a relationship blow-off to musings from a mother who seems to have to do all the work at home to putting commercial country on blast for refusing to play women. Saying Tami Neilson is something special doesn't really do her justice by half. Tami Neilson is something otherworldly. She may not be the rockabilly hero an inappropriately appreciative populace deserves, but she's the rockabilly hero we have gotten, and for that every roots music fan should be thankful.

2. Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit- Reunions/Reunions Live at Brooklyn Bowl NashvilleI'm kind of cheating by putting two albums here but since this is my list I can do that kind of thing. Besides, the two albums are really all of the same songs. Reunions is Jason Isbell doing what Jason Isbell does best, putting words to universal feelings and emotions that are difficult to explain. He also continues his sketches of fictional characters that, in 3.5 minutes, are more fully realized than many movie or television stars. From a man struggling with sobriety even after years of it to a killer who relates his turbulent life to the river that flows through his hometown to the strident call to social action that delivers the album's best line, “If your words add up to nothing then you're making a choice to sing a cover when we need a battle cry.” For those looking for a more stripped-down version of the songs, the recording of Isbell's album release show at an empty Brooklyn Bowl Nashville, featuring only him on acoustic guitar and wife and 400 Unit bandmate Amanda Shires on fiddle, is a delight, and wisely includes all of the flubs and missteps present in the live performance, including Isbell messing up a transition and asking Shires to go back and pick up the solo so he can try again.

1. Sarah Jarosz- World on the GroundThis is the first time since Southeastern that Isbell hasn't been my #1 album. That could change by year's end as this was really more of a 1/1a thing, but for now the always sublime Sarah Jarosz takes the top spot with her most mature album yet, World on the Ground. It's sometimes hard to remember that Jarosz, over a decade into her career, is only 29. With every album she grows. Here, she sings less personal songs and more character portraits and, aided by the masterful production of John Leventhal, delivers an album that is addictively listenable.

[sunshineweb]

Stress and Investing: A 20-Point Checklist

I was at my hometown recently and chanced upon a friend who works as an investment banker in Delhi. We had met almost after 15 years, and so I could notice a big contrast in his looks as compared to what it was in the early 2000s. He looked much older than his age, around 39, and so I enquired about his health.

To my utter shock, he said, “I had an angioplasty late last year, where they put a tiny tube in my blood vessel to restore blood flow through my arteries.”

In short, he meant, “I just survived a heart attack.”

“Stress is part of my job profile, you see,” he shrugged it off jokingly.

I had earlier read of a 35-year-old London-based hedge fund trader who died of a heart attack in 2013, and of the head of JP Morgan’s equity sales, aged 37, who had also died of heart failure in 2012. But my friend was, well, my friend, and thus the gravity of the situation weighed heavier this time.

“Is it worth it?” I asked my friend.

“What?” he asked.

“The stress that you say is part of your job profile?”

“Is there any other way you know of?” he asked me.

I couldn’t have asked him to quit his high-paying job. That’s not a real solution for most people anyways. They have mouths to feed, EMIs to take care of, and financial goals to meet. Over that, quitting a job and starting out on your own doesn’t guarantee a road paved with gold. You may try to get over your ‘addiction’ to the monthly paycheque (that’s what Nassim Taleb calls it), but going on your own doesn’t guarantee a paycheque anyways.

“Where is this chase leading us to?” I have asked myself repeatedly while pondering on my friend’s question about the alternatives, which I couldn’t reply to that day.

By the way, it is not just my friend whom I know who seems to have a messed-up life given the demands of his highly stressful job. I have seen scores of stock traders, investors, analysts, and fund managers – apart from managers, bankers, accountants, and others working in the corporate world – over the years who have “out-shaped” themselves, thanks to the stress they have allowed into their lives – stress that often leads us to poor choices, like sedentary lifestyle, bad food, alcohol, smoking, etc.

* * * You’ve heard of Peter Lynch, right? Apart from authoring two wonderful books (Beating the Street and One Up on Wall Street), Lynch is known as one of the best fund managers of all time.

In 1977, he was named the head of the then-obscure Magellan Fund at Fidelity which had US$ 18 million in assets. Thirteen years later, in 1990, Lynch resigned from his job but not after his fund had grown to more than US$ 14 billion in assets. From 1977 until 1990, the Magellan fund averaged a 29% annual return and as of 2003 had the best 20-year return of any mutual fund ever.

Lynch was just 46-years old when he retired from his top job, and at the peak of his game. He may have calculated it that way because his father had died of cancer at this very age of 46.

When asked for the reason for his quitting by Barron’s in 1990, Lynch replied –

I am just missing so much of it. I went to a soccer game with one of my daughters and I think they lost seven-to-nothing, and I had a great time. I went to one soccer game; I missed seven. I will tell you how bad things are. I used to read a book every two weeks. I haven’t read a book in the last 18 months.

“…a world class workaholic,” Barron’s wrote of Lynch, “he wryly confessed that he found himself setting new records for long hours in recent years, especially the last 18 months. And, in the process, he cheated himself of the pleasures of hearth and home.”

* * * Talking specifically about stress when it comes to a highly random place like the stock market, I recently read this passage from Nassim Taleb’s Fooled by Randomness that tells something about why we must avoid it (the stress) –

…people who look too closely at randomness burn out, their emotions drained by the series of pangs they experience. Regardless of what people claim, a negative pang is not offset by a positive one (some psychologists estimate the negative effect for an average loss to be up to 2.5 the magnitude of a positive one); it will lead to an emotional deficit.

…people in lab coats have examined some scary properties of this type of negative pangs on the neural system (the usual expected effect: high blood pressure; the less expected: chronic stress leads to memory loss, lessening of brain plasticity, and brain damage). To my knowledge, there are no studies investigating the exact properties of trader’s burnout, but a daily exposure to such high degrees of randomness without much control will have physiological effects on humans (nobody studied the effect of such exposure on the risk of cancer).

…wealth does not count so much into one’s well-being as the route one uses to get to it.

Constant fixation on the randomness of the stock market is what burns most people out, says Taleb.

Checking stock prices minute by minute (or even daily),

trading in and out of stocks believing you can beat the market and everyone around you,

leveraging to buy stocks especially when you have done well recently (thanks again to randomness), and

dealing in derivatives that engulf you in greater randomness

…are all ways you can add tremendous stress to your life.

Not to forget the act of buying poor quality businesses and the act of shorting stocks that also act as culprits in creating the stress situation.

And then there’s the biggest offender of all – the envy of seeing others getting richer faster. Oh, nothing beats this one in taking our emotions to the cleaners! It is indeed the quickest route to self-sabotage.

* * * Prof. Sanjay Bakshi wrote a brilliant article in 2012 titled Returns Per Unit of Stress, where he advised –

…stress should figure in one’s investment strategy, much more than it does, perhaps, even more than financial risk, because stress is a killer and high-stress situations – whether they carry high or low investment risk – will always carry a high risk to one’s health. In fact, one can now measure how many years of one’s life is cut short by being exposed to a high-stress life.

Being in the market for fifteen years, there have been multiple instances where I have sensed how emotionally vulnerable a lot of traders and investors are, especially when they have not been through a bad period themselves.

People must understand that the stock market is a giant minefield of cognitive biases and emotional weirdness. As Taleb writes, you can think of the market as a random walk with an upward bias. Year on year, you’re generally up. But day by day, you can be down nearly as often as up. Because of loss aversion, you’ll feel the losses more strongly than the gains. Looking at your stocks every day will at least add to your stress levels, and maybe your decisions will get thrown off.

* * * Stress is a killer. No doubt about it. And if you are not dead yet thanks to it (you are reading this alive, right?), you have a good probability of getting into health problems, unhappiness, depression, relationship problems, and more.

Now, I don’t believe that a stress-free life is possible. Stress is a response to challenges in life, and a life without challenges is too boring to contemplate. In fact, bringing in another of Taleb’s mantras, you need some stress to make yourself antifragile.

However, I do believe that most of the stress in our lives, and especially in our investing lives, is unnecessary. And that it can be eliminated by taking some simple (and some not-so-simple) steps.

It can’t be accomplished overnight — I’ve been eliminating stressors in my life for a while now, and I’m still not done. But I think it’s a worthwhile goal.

Here are a few things you can ensure in your investment process that can help you minimize/avoid stress. What follows below is what I practice in my own life and would advise my best friend, and thus can vouch for their effectiveness –

Removing Stress from Investing: A 20-Point Checklist

Check if you have the emotional bent to pick stocks. If stock prices jumping up and down trouble you a bit or if you don’t have the time and inclination to study businesses, please avoid stocks and invest through (good) mutual funds.

If you are picking stocks, invest in businesses you understand extremely well. And please don’t buy anything you don’t understand, even if that’s a raging stock/sector or even if you are trying to clone a successful investor.

Try to avoid stocks from industries like banking and finance, pharma, commodities, utilities, real estate, construction, airlines, textiles, etc. Also, companies that have high debt on their balance sheet. These are either difficult to understand businesses or their economics are mostly not in your favour as an investor.

Invest in high-quality businesses (say, long term annual sales and profit growth > 15%, long term ROCE > 20%, debt to equity Never borrow to invest. Never! And invest only the amount which you don’t need in, say, the next five years. Mostly, you will not earn great returns from your stocks overnight, even if your analysis and idea are right. But when you borrow to invest, you may end up compromising on the time you may otherwise have to compound your money well.

Diversify well (max. 15 stocks), and size your positions to the level of a peaceful night’s sleep. For instance, you may avoid situations where you are holding more than, say, 15% of your portfolio in a single stock (I use this number for myself). Have such a number in mind for yourself, and don’t exceed that. Also, instead of worrying about position sizing (how much of which stock to own), work towards equal allocation. Like, if you wish to own 15 stocks in your portfolio, every stock you buy must not be more than 6-7% of the portfolio at cost.

Ignore relative performance of your portfolio i.e., who are you beating in this game. Focus on absolute performance. If you can earn 15-20% CAGR from your portfolio, you are doing fine. If not, let go your ego of picking your own stocks and invest through few good mutual funds.

Completely (repeat, completely) avoid participating in Whatsapp groups where they talk stocks. Also, avoid online stock forums where you don’t know whom you are interacting with. These are deadly places and must be avoided if you wish to keep stress away from your investment life. Rather, have a group of friends whom you can talk stocks with. Meet with them to discuss ideas offline, not with a bunch of strangers online.

Mostly avoid attending meetups and conferences where they discuss stocks. They just add to the biases you already have in your brain. Also avoid business newspapers, television channels, economic forecasts, and any other news about the stock market. You don’t need any of these. Rather, spend your time reading annual reports.

Avoid the ticker tape. Don’t look at stock prices daily. They force us to act, and too much action equates with too much stress. Identify and own good business, and then sit on them still, doing nothing, till they remain good businesses. Prove Blaise Pascal wrong, who said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

Avoid derivatives, by far. They are indeed financial weapons of mass destruction.

Accept randomness and volatility as a core part of your investment journey. Zoom out of the daily grind of the stock market, and zoom in to the long-term economics of the businesses you own.

Don’t look at the stock market to make you rich, but just to keep you rich. The income you earn from your work and the money you save out of it, when invested well, should make you rich. Not the stock market. Okay, if you know of someone like you who got rich through stocks in the past, know that you are looking at a rare survivor.

If you are already working on a good job, forget quitting it to become a full-time investor. It may be a road to hell, especially when you end up depending on the market to run your household. Also, getting full-time into investing can be lonely and boring, and our brains often go into a tizzy when we are either going through these emotions of loneliness and boredom.

If you wish to make a career in the stock market, try as much to avoid being on the sell-side (working as an analyst for a broker). Almost all of what they do is short-term oriented and highly stressful. Rather, check with a buy-side firm (especially long-term oriented money managers). Best, work outside the stock market and practice investing on your own. Also, avoid working in an investment bank. You may have to sell your soul to earn your commissions. Wait, it’s not that the people there are bad! I have a few investment banking and analyst friends after all. It’s the way they are incentivized that’s injurious to other people who take their advice. One of the factors that hastened me quitting my job in 2011 was because I hated going to Nariman Point in Mumbai where my office was located. That place – the hub of stock market analysts, investment bankers, and fund managers – I believe, contains that maximum amount of stress and ego per square feet of space in India.

Avoid searching for new books and instead spend time reading the investment supertexts that extol the virtues of long term thinking and patience. Better, read books outside investing.

Instead of sitting and staring at the screen, go for long walks. Exercise. Meditate. Eat well. Get enough sleep each night. Avoid the company of stressed traders and investors. Avoid online portfolio trackers.

Recognize your limits and be reasonable with your expectations. How well do you know what you don’t know? Don’t let your ego determine what you should do. As Charlie Munger says – “It is remarkable how much long-term advantage people like us have gotten by trying to be consistently not stupid, instead of trying to be very intelligent. There must be some wisdom in the old saying: ‘It’s the strong swimmers who drown.’”

Avoid predictions (making and taking), and expect surprises. Jason Zweig wrote this in The Intelligent Investor – “The only thing you can be confident of while forecasting future stock returns is that you will probably turn out to be wrong. The only indisputable truth that the past teaches us is that the future will always surprise us — always! And the corollary to that law of financial history is that the markets will most brutally surprise the very people who are most certain that their views about the future are right. Staying humble about your forecasting powers, as Graham did, will keep you from risking too much on a view of the future that may well turn out to be wrong.”

Practice the three iron rules – peace, detachment, and acceptance. Most good decisions in life are marked by these. Rising markets may lead us to ignore this. Most investors like to believe they can enjoy stock market gains without losses. And that denial is what causes them stress and conflict. They feel disappointed when the harsh reality doesn’t align with their rosy expectations. And then, such investors feel helpless, which further magnifies their disappointment and stress levels. After all, most of what happens in the stock market are outside of our control. We can’t stop the market from falling and crashing, nor can we call up companies or the stock market regulator or the central bank when our stocks tumble. Making and losing money is just the nature of investing, and often outside your control. So just do your work well, and then let it go. Yes, let it go.

The legendary Rajesh Khanna said in one of my favourite movies of all time – Anand –

बाबूमोशाय, ज़िन्दगी और मौत उपरवाले के हाथ है जहांपनाह। उसे ना तो आप बदल सकते हैं ना मैं। हम सब तो रंगमंच की कठपुतलियां हैं जिनकी डोर उपरवाले की उँगलियों में बँधी है। कब, कौन, कैसे उठेगा यह कोई नहीं बता सकता है. हा, हा, हा!

Translation – Brother, life and death is in control of the One above. We cannot change that. We are all puppets and He controls our strings. None of us can tell who will be pulled up when and how. Ha, ha, ha!

So, stress or no stress, we are still going to die. But we have a choice – to die just once or in small bits every day (due to stress).

You see, when you add unwanted stressors to your life and investing, you are like Damocles who dined with a sword dangling over his head where small stress to the string holding the sword would have killed him. Don’t be like him.

Prof. Bakshi wrote in his post –

My advice to those who ignore the stress part of the equation but focus only on returns per unit of risk: You cannot take it away with you, so what’s the point of all that stress, just for the money?

Seriously, what’s the point?

References –

Returns Per Unit of Stress ~ Prof. Sanjay Bakshi

Fooled by Randomness ~ Nassim Taleb

Is There Life After Babe Ruth? (Peter Lynch’s Interview)

A Short Guide to Reading and Learning for Investors

3 Iron Rules of Life and Investing

Why You Must Not Quit Your Job to Become a Full-Time Investor

The post Stress and Investing: A 20-Point Checklist appeared first on Safal Niveshak.

Stress and Investing: A 20-Point Checklist published first on https://mbploans.tumblr.com/

[itsworn]

Mopar Monday: The Ultimate $5K Mopar Challenge

For many collectors without a trust-fund budget, locating and buying an entry-level collector car takes one to the obvious places; eBay, Craigslist, Bring-A-Trailer, Barn Finds, local classifieds, even to the first day of well-known collector car auctions like Mecum. There it’s not unusual to find true bargains for under $10,000, and in some rare instances, under $5,000. But there are other, less obvious places, often hiding in plain sight, apps like Nextdoor, Offer-up, and Letgo that run on your computer or smartphone. But the best might be a social media platform that you might not think about looking for Mopars… the rapidly growing Facebook Marketplace.

Two weeks ago I was talking with my friend and co-author of our 2012 book, Hurst Equipped, Mark Fletcher, that I wanted to buy a rear-wheel drive, second-generation 1999-2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee. As I said this, we were eating breakfast at our local Denny’s when he handed me his iPhone across the table. There, on our locally-oriented, Lake Elsinore, California, Facebook Marketplace, was a 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokee. It was a six-cylinder, rear-wheel-drive model that had been posted just 20 minutes earlier, 65 minutes away in San Diego. “You really should take a look at this. We could drive down and take a look at it.” Mark connected with the seller through Facebook Messenger, and after overcoming a language barrier (we speak English, the seller Spanish) we headed down to San Diego to check out the Jeep with me stopping along the way at the bank to withdraw exactly $2,000. The seller had listed the Grand Cherokee for $2,200.

We met up with the seller at a Hispanic supermarket parking lot on the east side of San Diego near where he worked. Mark communicated with the seller through the translate function on his iPhone while I checked out and test drove the Jeep. It appeared solid, drove well, and with the exception of the struts holding up the tailgate window, everything worked, including the A/C. Equipped with the nearly indestructible 4-liter, AMC-derived, fuel-injected six (much preferred over the 4.7-liter V-8 in my opinion), the Grand Cherokee didn’t look or drive like it had the indicated 139,000 miles on the odometer. It looked more like a five-year-old, 50,000-mile example. It was obvious to both of us that it had been well-maintained over the past 20 years and my inspection showed that it had benefited from new Hankook tires, front and rear brakes, and front and rear shocks. Typical of a Southern California car that probably live most of its life here, it was rust-free. I offered $1,800, the seller countered with $2,000, and less than two hours after Mark first spotted the Grand Cherokee on Facebook, we were heading north on Interstate 15, me behind the wheel of my “new” Grand Cherokee.

On the way home, Mark driving his $1,800, 2005 Ford Crown Victoria (that he had purchased this past spring with just 50,000 miles), we were talking over the phone, about replicating a similar purchase, with a more generous budget, say $5,000, and focus on a specific marque. Finally, we settled in on a quest and challenge to find the best $5,000 Mopar.

The next day I spoke with Mopar Muscle editor Bob Mehlhoff about fleshing out the idea into a web feature and possible series. I knew that using Facebook Marketplace – in addition to other search engines – I could go back to the 1950s, finding clean Mopars that appear frequently but might be otherwise overlooked. Most would be project cars far from the condition of my Grand Cherokee while others would be front-wheel-drive cars from the 1980s and 1990s (which Bob suggested strongly to avoid), scanning the Facebook Marketplace, several good prospects immediately appeared. Many were unloved but presentable plain-Jane four-door sedans and a few station wagons – most with the bulletproof Slant-6 under the hood. Then this car appeared, a 1981 Dodge Mirada two-door hardtop.

From the photos, it truly ticked off all the boxes. First, it looked exceptionally clean, having obviously benefited from a through detailing (more on that later), it was rear-wheel-drive, it was a sporty two-door model, and best of all, it was a V-8. The only sticking point was the listing price was $5,800, above my $5,000 preset. Still, I messaged the seller to take a look. Next, I called Mark, who is my guru on $5,000 cars (and who initially declined to go because he was afraid he might buy it) to go take a look. Finally we headed up to Bloomington, California – about an hour north in my Jeep – to take a look at the car as the possible feature subject to launch this series. To say the car exceeded our expectations would be an understatement. I’ll let Mark explain.

Rich’s goal of the possibility of a recurring series would be to find cars presentable enough to take the family to the local cruise night in comfort with out worrying about a breakdown. Something obscure but in remarkable condition for its age. This 1981 Dodge Mirada fit the bill perfectly. It was a common car back in the early 1980s (although not nearly as good a seller as its platform mate, the Chrysler Cordoba) that has become obscure over time.

This example was a beautiful car when new. White exterior with what appeared to be original paint that had been professionally brought back to life by the detail shop that has the car for sale.

The 318 4bbl V8 engine fired up with the first turn of the key with the sound of a throaty exhaust (not stock). The car’s interior showed almost like new with the heavily padded white bucket seats, contrasted by red dash, carpet, and matching red center console. The small three spoke steering wheel reminded me of the “Tuff” wheel option of the 1970s E-Bodies. Although the drivers door panel showed a little age, the rest of the interior presented exceptionally well if not a little “Liberace” in overall appearance. Cars from this era were typically unable to display mileage in access of 100,000 miles but I have found that the interior is always a good indication of a true low-mileage car that has been garaged.

Living in the southwest, we are less vulnerable to the tin worm, so it was no surprise to find that the Mirada appeared to be free of any rust or dents. It does have a few paint chips and scratches to the original paint, but nothing that couldn’t be touched up for a few hundred dollars at the local paint shop. Most car manufacturers of the 1980s were meeting the five-MPH bumper mandates by utilizing chrome bumpers with shock absorbers to absorb the impact. The space between the bumpers and body panels were covered with a flexible plastic panel and these deteriorate in the hot sun. This car has fallen to this fate and replacement components will be hard to locate. The broken pieces are in the trunk and this filler panel could be repaired using fiberglass.

The car appears to run and drive well, but don’t expect to win any quarter-mile competitions with this Chrysler lean-burn 318 V-8. The seller replaced the original radiator with an aftermarket aluminum unit and the car recently passed the stringent California smog test with the original-style catalytic converter. The seller has since removed the stock exhaust in favor of a NASCAR-style side exhaust, similar to that found on the Richard Petty’s factory-backed Mirada campaigned in the early 1980s. The original exhaust will be included with the car in case it needs to pass an annual smog by the new owner if it remains in a smog-compliant state.

We were unable to drive the car any distance due to the lack of plates on the car, but by all appearances this is a car that will take little effort to become a dependable local cruise-in participant. I believe the Mirada will command a respectable crowd wherever you take it. Unlike the similar appearance of today’s family sedans, this car is striking and will stand out in a sea of Camaros and Mustangs at the local Cars and Coffee. The options on this mid-size coupe will make for comfortable drives. It is equipped with factory A/C, power steering and power front disc brakes, tilt wheel, cruise control, and power windows. This was considered a sporty personal luxury car of its era. The back seat is big enough for two car seats or three small adults.

Someone, please buy this car as I am tempted to add it to my eclectic stable of cars.

Here is a link to the listing for the car where you can contact the seller, Geraldo Castaneda, for more details (He’s lowered the price from the original listing price of $5,800, no low-ballers need not apply). The car is in our opinion, worth the new, lower, $5,000 price. My thoughts are that given the overall condition of this car, especially it being rust-free, that it would be well-worth the transport cost, to acquire this car. If you live in a cold-weather location, you’ll have all winter to ready it for its first appearance in the Spring.

If you miss out on this car, here are a few more Mopars to consider, from 1955 all the way through to 1998. If the listing is over $5,000, like the 1965 Dodge Monaco below, negotiate!

From the 1950s, this 1955 Chrysler Imperial sedan (with Hemi) for $4,500 in West Palm Beach, Florida (Craigslist) From the 1960s, this 1965 Dodge Monaco hardtop for $5,500 in Thompson Falls, Idaho (Craigslist) From the 1970s, this 1970 Plymouth Fury III hardtop for $4,500 in Terre Haute, Indiana (Craigslist) From the 1980s, this 1986 Chrysler Fifth Avenue sedan for $4,500 in Greneda, Mississppi (Facebook) From the 1990s, this 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee 5.9 Limited SUV for $4,500 in Escondido, California (Facebook)

As always, when buying a car sight unseen, consider getting a third-party apprasial, just like you would for any big-ticket, online purchase. It’s $200-$300 well spent. Most of all, do proper due diligence. Engage the seller, ask them to provide additional photos and a video walkaround if possible.

Finally, to make this series a success, to be the go-to place on the Internet to find exceptional budget Mopars, cars that will make for someone’s perfect entry-level collector car, we need your help, your tips.

We know they are out there, many hiding in plain sight, some stored in a garage, under a carport, in a parking structure, behind a gas station, on used car lots, even in actual barns, often listed on your own Facebook Marketpace or local Craigslist. Find something interesting, send me a tip at Mopar5000Challenge@gmail.com.

To be considered for the Mopar $5K Challenge, the vehicle submitted must run, have a clear, transferable title, and look presentable; no engine-out project cars. Send us a link to the car’s listing. If selected, we’ll contact the owner for suitable photos, possibly a video walk around like Mark shot of me for the Mirada (I mistakenly said it was a 360, it actually is a 318 car, the 360 was only offered on a limited number of 1980 Miradas).

While for this series we prefer traditional Mopar cars and trucks (rear-wheel-drive Chryslers, Dodges, and Plymouths), we will consider exceptional front-wheel-drive Mopars as well as cars from predecessor companies like like AMC and non-Chrysler-built Willys and Kaiser Jeeps. Also considered will be vehicles that used Chrysler drivetrains in conversion vans and motorhomes. (We’ve already uncovered several Dodge-powered Travco and Winnebago motorhomes in our searches, similar to this 1968 model, under our $5,000 limit, found on the Travco Wikipedia page.)

While we would love to feature more cars like this exceptional Mirada which we evaluated in-person, we recognize they are rare. But they are out there, you just need to know where to look, even if it is outside the box.

Happy Hunting!

  The post Mopar Monday: The Ultimate $5K Mopar Challenge appeared first on Hot Rod Network.

from Hot Rod Network https://www.hotrod.com/articles/mopar-monday-ultimate-5k-mopar-challenge/ via IFTTT

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Halloween Hijinx, The Nuclear Option, and an Ode to Offense

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: The Nashville Predators enjoyed Halloween – We won't clog this whole section with NHL player Halloween costumes. If that's your thing, you can find a rundown on the league web site, although they seem to have left one out. But we will mention the Predators, who may have been enjoying themselves a little too much, starting with P.K. Subban:

But the real stars were Nick Bonnino and his wife Lauren, who went as the scariest thing a hockey player can imagine.

The second star: Ryan Reaves vs. Phil Kessel – OK, one more Halloween one.

The first star: Chance the mascot – The new Vegas mascot has not had a warm reception, as documented here.

Honestly, the whole thing is reasonably funny, but I'm putting it in the top spot solely for the little girl who goes "GOOD ONE, DEL." That kid kills me. That needs to go right up there with "Way to go, Paul" as a generic hockey putdown.

Be It Resolved

We're a month into the season, and the Golden Knights are still decent. Sure, everyone realizes that they're not as good as their record indicates, but they're far better than most of us expected. It turns out that expansion teams in the salary cap era can be reasonably competitive right away.

Meanwhile, the Arizona Coyotes began the year with a record-tying 11 straight losses, and their season is already basically over. Other teams, like the Sabres, Rangers, Canadiens, and Oilers are another bad week or two away from being in the same boat.

All of which leads us to our crazy idea of the month. From the same minds that brought you the Jagr Draft, Cup champs picking their banner night opponent on live TV, and using the Cliffhanger guy to announce player signings, please welcome the league's newest rule: The Nuclear Option.

Yes, the name's kind of dramatic, I know. The idea lives up to it.

It would work like this. Every year, at the end of the regular season, all the non-playoff teams have the option of hitting the reset button on the entire franchise. If a team decides to go nuclear, they get to protect up to three players in the entire organization—not just NHL, but prospects, unsigned picks, etc.—and everyone else instantly becomes a free agent. No cap hits, no buyouts, no re-signing anyone, no compensation. Everything you spent the last decade building is gone.

In return for nuking the entire organization, the team gets two things. First, they move to the front of the line for that year's draft lottery odds, if they're not already there. And second, they get to restock in an expansion draft, under the same rules as the ones the Golden Knights just had.

Three players, an otherwise barren cap situation, top odds in the lottery, and an expansion draft to start all over with. Would you do it? Would you take the Nuclear Option?

It goes without saying that not many teams would. This year's Coyotes wouldn't, for example. They've been rebuilding for years, and have plenty of good young players worth holding onto. I doubt any of this year's bad teams would seriously consider it, unless things go completely off the rails somewhere.

But last year's Avalanche would have had to at least think about it, right? And you can bet that a team like the Sabres would have jumped at the chance a few years ago leading into the McDavid draft. You'd probably see the option used once or twice a decade, just about always after a team had fired its old GM and hired a replacement with a mandate to rebuild. Imagine that new guy having the option to walk in, take one look around, go "NOPE" and just bulldoze the entire thing.

(As an added bonus, the same league full of cry-baby GMs who spent all of last year whining about how the expansion draft made their jobs slightly harder would absolutely lose their minds if they had another one dropped on them with a few weeks' notice. That's not the main point here, but it's a nice side-benefit.)

How much fun would it be to argue over whether your favorite team should use the Nuclear Option? How hard would you have to work before you started to talk yourself into it? How mad would you be when Nuke Day came around and your team chickened out and didn't do it?

Like most great ideas, the NHL would never do it in a million years. But they should. Terrible teams need hope too, and the Golden Knights have proven that it's not as far away as you might think. You just need a way to get there. You need the Nuclear Option.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Today's obscure player is a guy you probably saw a few photos of this week: former Sabres and Canucks goaltender Gary "Bones" Bromley.

Bromley was never drafted, but was signed by the expansion Sabres in 1971 and made his NHL debut two years later. He played 12 games backing up Dave Dryden for the 1973-74 Sabres, then won the starting job for most of the 1974-75 season after Dryden left. He played well, going 26-11-11 and helping the Sabres to a league-high 113 points. That team went all the way to the Stanley Cup final, but turned to late-season acquisition Gerry Desjardins and Roger Crozier for the entire run; despite appearing in over 50 regular season games, Bromley never even saw the ice in a playoff game that year.

He'd play just one more game for the Sabres the following year before heading to the WHA for two seasons. He returned to the NHL in 1978 after signing with the Canucks, and spent three years pulling part-time duty. After a year in the minors, he retired in 1982, having won 54 games over six NHL seasons.

Today, he's probably best remembered for the fearsome skull mask he wore in Vancouver. It was one of the most unique looks of the era, and to this day often shows up on lists of the greatest masks ever.

Trivial Annoyance of the Week

Have you ever been at a point when things were going well—not awesome, not great, but reasonably well—and then your stupid friends show up to remind you that their lives are way better than yours?

That's what it felt like to be a hockey fan this week.

The big news in the sports world this week was the World Series, a seven-game thriller that drew big ratings. Games six and seven were good, but the real show came earlier in the series, as the league's secret new baseballs resulted in every third batter hitting a home run off the face of the moon and everyone went crazy over how much fun it was. Oh, OK, so now sports fans enjoy games with lots of offense. When did this happen?

[Checks earpiece]

I'm being told that everyone has always thought offense was fun. Huh. Well OK, then where were all of you during the NHL playoffs?

[Checks earpiece]

Right, I'm told that the deciding game of the Stanley Cup final featured 58 scoreless minutes, a fluke goal that had to be reviewed, and an empty netter. Huh. I'd completely forgotten about that game. I can't imagine why.

Meanwhile, the NFL stole a few headlines with it trade deadline. If you follow football, you know that their deadline is usually a bust. Unlike in the NHL, where GMs just pretend because they like excuses, the salary cap actually does make trading hard in the NFL because signing bonuses get instantly converted to dead money when a player switches teams. So moves are rare, especially midseason ones, and the trade deadline often passes without anyone really even noticing.

But not this year, where everything went insane and trades were happening everywhere. And not just NHL deadline-style veteran rentals, but big names, young stars, potential franchise quarterbacks…everyone. It was madness. Glorious, wonderful madness.

And then you've got the NBA, where the season is only just starting but everyone has a personality and says interesting things and players quit on their teams over Twitter and fired coaches go scorched earth on Instagram.

Look, other leagues, we get it. You're more fun than the NHL. Leave us alone.

I mean, we're trying, OK? The Golden Knights are a genuinely cool story, Nikita Kucherov and Steven Stamkos are killing it in Tampa, the Kings are kind of back, and the Blues and Devils are surprisingly good. That's something, right? Scoring's up slightly because of extra power plays, there's intrigue in New York, and the Coyotes are terrible, which can be entertaining in its own kind of way.

Sure, we may not have record offense and blockbuster trades and social media wars. We're working on it, OK? You don't need to rub it in our faces all at once. Why don't you go lose half a season to a work stoppage?

[Checks earpiece]

I'm told that other sports don't do that anymore. Wonderful. Good for you. Now finish your seasons, pack up and get out of your stadiums. We're going to need them for our outdoor games pretty soon.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Hey, it's not like the NHL never serves up a ridiculously high-scoring playoff game. For example, today let's travel back to 2006 and see what happens when two rivals decide to play with the goaltending sliders pushed all the way down…

It's the second round of the 2006 playoffs, and the Senators are hosting the Sabres for game one. It's a great matchup, featuring a 113-point team facing a 110-point team. It also pits the conference's lowest goals-against against its fourth-lowest, so I'm sure there won't be much offense. Hey, defense wins championships, am I right?

Our clip begins a few seconds after the opening faceoff as we get a look at the Sabres lines and yeah it's already 1-0.

Mike Grier has tipped in a Derek Roy feed to give the Sabres the lead. Nice start. Now they just have to settle in and play a classic road playoff games, take the crowd out of it and wait until—oops never mind it's 1-1.

That Ottawa goal was Jason Spezza from Dany Heatley and Wade Redden, as the Senators deploy their famed "guys we love right now but will eventually leave town as villains" line. I guess Daniel Alfredsson missed a shift.

The Senators make it 2-1 just 15 seconds later. A quick warning here: This game is in Ottawa, which means it features the Senators goal horn guy, which means you're going to be deaf by the end of it. He's a tad excitable. Here's some behind-the-scenes footage of him at work, but it's a preseason game so he's taking it easy.

On the other hand, we've got Bob Cole. You win some, you lose some.

Six minutes in, the Sabres tie it at 2-2. (Hello, Numminen.) Amazingly, this will be the last goal of the first period, as everyone's arms are tired and they decide to just skip ahead to the intermission.

By the way, the goaltending matchup here is Ray Emery against Ryan Miller, which is fine, but we have to point out that this was the year the Senators had Dominik Hasek. But he got hurt at the Olympics, depriving us of one of the great face-the-former-team revenge matchups in league history. Damn you, Olympic injuries, maybe Gary Bettman was right about you all along.

We're back for the second period, both teams having made their intermission adjustments. In the Sabres case, that was apparently "let's give up easy breakaways." and they go out and execute it beautifully.

Buffalo gets it back quickly, as they get a 2-on-1 and then do that video games move where you forget which button is the pass one and just end up with everyone skating into the goalie and pushing the puck into the net because you have penalties turned off. It's super effective!

A few seconds later, the Senators have a 5-on-3 and you can probably guess how this turns out. They do that thing where they park Zdeno Chara directly in front of the net and dare the goalie to do anything about it. It works, because the only goalie crazy enough to ever swing at Chara was Ray Emery.

We skip ahead to goals by Derek Roy at the end of the second and Mike Fisher at the start of the third, and it's 5-4 Ottawa. Both starting goalies are still in, by the way, and will stay in for the entire game. I always thought that was an underrated aspect of this game's silliness.

Side note: This is somehow only the second craziest game featuring Ray Emery and the Sabres.

At this point, things actually settle down and the two teams decide to play NHL playoff hockey, which is to say nobody does anything interesting for almost an entire period. The keyword here is "almost," as things are going to go off the rails as soon as we get to two minutes left. Which is right…now.

The Senators have a one-goal lead late in regulation, a powerplay, the puck in the Sabres' zone, and still somehow manage to give up a 2-on-1. Derek Roy buries the one-timer and it's 5-5.

Hey, was I the only one who called him Derek Wah for his whole career, like Patrick Roy? I don't think I was.

We get a brief glimpse of a dude with an Obscure Player Alumni Maxim Afinogenov jersey, but before our brains can process that we're back to the action. The Senators still have a powerplay, remember. You'll never guess what happens next.

This may be my favorite moment from the game, as Bryan Smolinksi bangs home the go-ahead goal with a minute left and makes one of the all-time great "whew, did we ever just dodge a bullet there" smug faces. Hold that thought, Bryan.

We're down to 20 seconds left, and all the Senators have to do now is cram all six guys into the goal frame and call it a day. Instead, there's a mixup behind the net, the puck comes out front, and Tim Connolly buries it to tie the game. The crowd makes that classic "Are you F-ing kidding me?" noise you only get in the NHL playoffs, and we're off to overtime.

OK, settle in because these two teams are going to smarten up and get conservative. Ha, no, just kidding, the overtime is going to last 18 seconds.

The end comes when Anton Volchenkov commits what might literally be the worst turnover in modern playoff history. Seriously, let's just admire that thing. Not only does he fan on the pass, he kicks it off both skates and then turns his back to the puck as the Sabres break in. By the time Chris Drury scores the winner, Volchenkov is just sadly sliding off into the corner on his belly. Other than that, I thought the shift went well.

The Sabres ended up taking the series in five games, three of which came in overtime. But the Senators earned revenge in 2007, knocking out Buffalo on their way to the Stanley Cup final. This time, Emery and the Senators learned from their mistakes and made sure that when the puck was behind their own net at a crucial moment, they never let the other team even touch it.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Halloween Hijinx, The Nuclear Option, and an Ode to Offense published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

DGB Grab Bag: Halloween Hijinx, The Nuclear Option, and an Ode to Offense

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: The Nashville Predators enjoyed Halloween – We won’t clog this whole section with NHL player Halloween costumes. If that’s your thing, you can find a rundown on the league web site, although they seem to have left one out. But we will mention the Predators, who may have been enjoying themselves a little too much, starting with P.K. Subban:

But the real stars were Nick Bonnino and his wife Lauren, who went as the scariest thing a hockey player can imagine.

The second star: Ryan Reaves vs. Phil Kessel – OK, one more Halloween one.

The first star: Chance the mascot – The new Vegas mascot has not had a warm reception, as documented here.

Honestly, the whole thing is reasonably funny, but I’m putting it in the top spot solely for the little girl who goes “GOOD ONE, DEL.” That kid kills me. That needs to go right up there with “Way to go, Paul” as a generic hockey putdown.

Be It Resolved

We’re a month into the season, and the Golden Knights are still decent. Sure, everyone realizes that they’re not as good as their record indicates, but they’re far better than most of us expected. It turns out that expansion teams in the salary cap era can be reasonably competitive right away.

Meanwhile, the Arizona Coyotes began the year with a record-tying 11 straight losses, and their season is already basically over. Other teams, like the Sabres, Rangers, Canadiens, and Oilers are another bad week or two away from being in the same boat.

All of which leads us to our crazy idea of the month. From the same minds that brought you the Jagr Draft, Cup champs picking their banner night opponent on live TV, and using the Cliffhanger guy to announce player signings, please welcome the league’s newest rule: The Nuclear Option.

Yes, the name’s kind of dramatic, I know. The idea lives up to it.

It would work like this. Every year, at the end of the regular season, all the non-playoff teams have the option of hitting the reset button on the entire franchise. If a team decides to go nuclear, they get to protect up to three players in the entire organization—not just NHL, but prospects, unsigned picks, etc.—and everyone else instantly becomes a free agent. No cap hits, no buyouts, no re-signing anyone, no compensation. Everything you spent the last decade building is gone.

In return for nuking the entire organization, the team gets two things. First, they move to the front of the line for that year’s draft lottery odds, if they’re not already there. And second, they get to restock in an expansion draft, under the same rules as the ones the Golden Knights just had.

Three players, an otherwise barren cap situation, top odds in the lottery, and an expansion draft to start all over with. Would you do it? Would you take the Nuclear Option?

It goes without saying that not many teams would. This year’s Coyotes wouldn’t, for example. They’ve been rebuilding for years, and have plenty of good young players worth holding onto. I doubt any of this year’s bad teams would seriously consider it, unless things go completely off the rails somewhere.

But last year’s Avalanche would have had to at least think about it, right? And you can bet that a team like the Sabres would have jumped at the chance a few years ago leading into the McDavid draft. You’d probably see the option used once or twice a decade, just about always after a team had fired its old GM and hired a replacement with a mandate to rebuild. Imagine that new guy having the option to walk in, take one look around, go “NOPE” and just bulldoze the entire thing.

(As an added bonus, the same league full of cry-baby GMs who spent all of last year whining about how the expansion draft made their jobs slightly harder would absolutely lose their minds if they had another one dropped on them with a few weeks’ notice. That’s not the main point here, but it’s a nice side-benefit.)

How much fun would it be to argue over whether your favorite team should use the Nuclear Option? How hard would you have to work before you started to talk yourself into it? How mad would you be when Nuke Day came around and your team chickened out and didn’t do it?

Like most great ideas, the NHL would never do it in a million years. But they should. Terrible teams need hope too, and the Golden Knights have proven that it’s not as far away as you might think. You just need a way to get there. You need the Nuclear Option.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Today’s obscure player is a guy you probably saw a few photos of this week: former Sabres and Canucks goaltender Gary “Bones” Bromley.

Bromley was never drafted, but was signed by the expansion Sabres in 1971 and made his NHL debut two years later. He played 12 games backing up Dave Dryden for the 1973-74 Sabres, then won the starting job for most of the 1974-75 season after Dryden left. He played well, going 26-11-11 and helping the Sabres to a league-high 113 points. That team went all the way to the Stanley Cup final, but turned to late-season acquisition Gerry Desjardins and Roger Crozier for the entire run; despite appearing in over 50 regular season games, Bromley never even saw the ice in a playoff game that year.

He’d play just one more game for the Sabres the following year before heading to the WHA for two seasons. He returned to the NHL in 1978 after signing with the Canucks, and spent three years pulling part-time duty. After a year in the minors, he retired in 1982, having won 54 games over six NHL seasons.

Today, he’s probably best remembered for the fearsome skull mask he wore in Vancouver. It was one of the most unique looks of the era, and to this day often shows up on lists of the greatest masks ever.

Trivial Annoyance of the Week

Have you ever been at a point when things were going well—not awesome, not great, but reasonably well—and then your stupid friends show up to remind you that their lives are way better than yours?

That’s what it felt like to be a hockey fan this week.

The big news in the sports world this week was the World Series, a seven-game thriller that drew big ratings. Games six and seven were good, but the real show came earlier in the series, as the league’s secret new baseballs resulted in every third batter hitting a home run off the face of the moon and everyone went crazy over how much fun it was. Oh, OK, so now sports fans enjoy games with lots of offense. When did this happen?

[Checks earpiece]

I’m being told that everyone has always thought offense was fun. Huh. Well OK, then where were all of you during the NHL playoffs?

[Checks earpiece]

Right, I’m told that the deciding game of the Stanley Cup final featured 58 scoreless minutes, a fluke goal that had to be reviewed, and an empty netter. Huh. I’d completely forgotten about that game. I can’t imagine why.

Meanwhile, the NFL stole a few headlines with it trade deadline. If you follow football, you know that their deadline is usually a bust. Unlike in the NHL, where GMs just pretend because they like excuses, the salary cap actually does make trading hard in the NFL because signing bonuses get instantly converted to dead money when a player switches teams. So moves are rare, especially midseason ones, and the trade deadline often passes without anyone really even noticing.

But not this year, where everything went insane and trades were happening everywhere. And not just NHL deadline-style veteran rentals, but big names, young stars, potential franchise quarterbacks…everyone. It was madness. Glorious, wonderful madness.

And then you’ve got the NBA, where the season is only just starting but everyone has a personality and says interesting things and players quit on their teams over Twitter and fired coaches go scorched earth on Instagram.

Look, other leagues, we get it. You’re more fun than the NHL. Leave us alone.

I mean, we’re trying, OK? The Golden Knights are a genuinely cool story, Nikita Kucherov and Steven Stamkos are killing it in Tampa, the Kings are kind of back, and the Blues and Devils are surprisingly good. That’s something, right? Scoring’s up slightly because of extra power plays, there’s intrigue in New York, and the Coyotes are terrible, which can be entertaining in its own kind of way.

Sure, we may not have record offense and blockbuster trades and social media wars. We’re working on it, OK? You don’t need to rub it in our faces all at once. Why don’t you go lose half a season to a work stoppage?

[Checks earpiece]

I’m told that other sports don’t do that anymore. Wonderful. Good for you. Now finish your seasons, pack up and get out of your stadiums. We’re going to need them for our outdoor games pretty soon.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Hey, it’s not like the NHL never serves up a ridiculously high-scoring playoff game. For example, today let’s travel back to 2006 and see what happens when two rivals decide to play with the goaltending sliders pushed all the way down…

It’s the second round of the 2006 playoffs, and the Senators are hosting the Sabres for game one. It’s a great matchup, featuring a 113-point team facing a 110-point team. It also pits the conference’s lowest goals-against against its fourth-lowest, so I’m sure there won’t be much offense. Hey, defense wins championships, am I right?

Our clip begins a few seconds after the opening faceoff as we get a look at the Sabres lines and yeah it’s already 1-0.

Mike Grier has tipped in a Derek Roy feed to give the Sabres the lead. Nice start. Now they just have to settle in and play a classic road playoff games, take the crowd out of it and wait until—oops never mind it’s 1-1.

That Ottawa goal was Jason Spezza from Dany Heatley and Wade Redden, as the Senators deploy their famed “guys we love right now but will eventually leave town as villains” line. I guess Daniel Alfredsson missed a shift.

The Senators make it 2-1 just 15 seconds later. A quick warning here: This game is in Ottawa, which means it features the Senators goal horn guy, which means you’re going to be deaf by the end of it. He’s a tad excitable. Here’s some behind-the-scenes footage of him at work, but it’s a preseason game so he’s taking it easy.

On the other hand, we’ve got Bob Cole. You win some, you lose some.

Six minutes in, the Sabres tie it at 2-2. (Hello, Numminen.) Amazingly, this will be the last goal of the first period, as everyone’s arms are tired and they decide to just skip ahead to the intermission.

By the way, the goaltending matchup here is Ray Emery against Ryan Miller, which is fine, but we have to point out that this was the year the Senators had Dominik Hasek. But he got hurt at the Olympics, depriving us of one of the great face-the-former-team revenge matchups in league history. Damn you, Olympic injuries, maybe Gary Bettman was right about you all along.

We’re back for the second period, both teams having made their intermission adjustments. In the Sabres case, that was apparently “let’s give up easy breakaways.” and they go out and execute it beautifully.

Buffalo gets it back quickly, as they get a 2-on-1 and then do that video games move where you forget which button is the pass one and just end up with everyone skating into the goalie and pushing the puck into the net because you have penalties turned off. It’s super effective!

A few seconds later, the Senators have a 5-on-3 and you can probably guess how this turns out. They do that thing where they park Zdeno Chara directly in front of the net and dare the goalie to do anything about it. It works, because the only goalie crazy enough to ever swing at Chara was Ray Emery.

We skip ahead to goals by Derek Roy at the end of the second and Mike Fisher at the start of the third, and it’s 5-4 Ottawa. Both starting goalies are still in, by the way, and will stay in for the entire game. I always thought that was an underrated aspect of this game’s silliness.

Side note: This is somehow only the second craziest game featuring Ray Emery and the Sabres.

At this point, things actually settle down and the two teams decide to play NHL playoff hockey, which is to say nobody does anything interesting for almost an entire period. The keyword here is “almost,” as things are going to go off the rails as soon as we get to two minutes left. Which is right…now.

The Senators have a one-goal lead late in regulation, a powerplay, the puck in the Sabres’ zone, and still somehow manage to give up a 2-on-1. Derek Roy buries the one-timer and it’s 5-5.

Hey, was I the only one who called him Derek Wah for his whole career, like Patrick Roy? I don’t think I was.

We get a brief glimpse of a dude with an Obscure Player Alumni Maxim Afinogenov jersey, but before our brains can process that we’re back to the action. The Senators still have a powerplay, remember. You’ll never guess what happens next.

This may be my favorite moment from the game, as Bryan Smolinksi bangs home the go-ahead goal with a minute left and makes one of the all-time great “whew, did we ever just dodge a bullet there” smug faces. Hold that thought, Bryan.

We’re down to 20 seconds left, and all the Senators have to do now is cram all six guys into the goal frame and call it a day. Instead, there’s a mixup behind the net, the puck comes out front, and Tim Connolly buries it to tie the game. The crowd makes that classic “Are you F-ing kidding me?” noise you only get in the NHL playoffs, and we’re off to overtime.

OK, settle in because these two teams are going to smarten up and get conservative. Ha, no, just kidding, the overtime is going to last 18 seconds.

The end comes when Anton Volchenkov commits what might literally be the worst turnover in modern playoff history. Seriously, let’s just admire that thing. Not only does he fan on the pass, he kicks it off both skates and then turns his back to the puck as the Sabres break in. By the time Chris Drury scores the winner, Volchenkov is just sadly sliding off into the corner on his belly. Other than that, I thought the shift went well.

The Sabres ended up taking the series in five games, three of which came in overtime. But the Senators earned revenge in 2007, knocking out Buffalo on their way to the Stanley Cup final. This time, Emery and the Senators learned from their mistakes and made sure that when the puck was behind their own net at a crucial moment, they never let the other team even touch it.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Halloween Hijinx, The Nuclear Option, and an Ode to Offense syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Halloween Hijinx, The Nuclear Option, and an Ode to Offense

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: The Nashville Predators enjoyed Halloween – We won't clog this whole section with NHL player Halloween costumes. If that's your thing, you can find a rundown on the league web site, although they seem to have left one out. But we will mention the Predators, who may have been enjoying themselves a little too much, starting with P.K. Subban:

But the real stars were Nick Bonnino and his wife Lauren, who went as the scariest thing a hockey player can imagine.

The second star: Ryan Reaves vs. Phil Kessel – OK, one more Halloween one.

The first star: Chance the mascot – The new Vegas mascot has not had a warm reception, as documented here.

Honestly, the whole thing is reasonably funny, but I'm putting it in the top spot solely for the little girl who goes "GOOD ONE, DEL." That kid kills me. That needs to go right up there with "Way to go, Paul" as a generic hockey putdown.

Be It Resolved

We're a month into the season, and the Golden Knights are still decent. Sure, everyone realizes that they're not as good as their record indicates, but they're far better than most of us expected. It turns out that expansion teams in the salary cap era can be reasonably competitive right away.

Meanwhile, the Arizona Coyotes began the year with a record-tying 11 straight losses, and their season is already basically over. Other teams, like the Sabres, Rangers, Canadiens, and Oilers are another bad week or two away from being in the same boat.

All of which leads us to our crazy idea of the month. From the same minds that brought you the Jagr Draft, Cup champs picking their banner night opponent on live TV, and using the Cliffhanger guy to announce player signings, please welcome the league's newest rule: The Nuclear Option.

Yes, the name's kind of dramatic, I know. The idea lives up to it.

It would work like this. Every year, at the end of the regular season, all the non-playoff teams have the option of hitting the reset button on the entire franchise. If a team decides to go nuclear, they get to protect up to three players in the entire organization—not just NHL, but prospects, unsigned picks, etc.—and everyone else instantly becomes a free agent. No cap hits, no buyouts, no re-signing anyone, no compensation. Everything you spent the last decade building is gone.

In return for nuking the entire organization, the team gets two things. First, they move to the front of the line for that year's draft lottery odds, if they're not already there. And second, they get to restock in an expansion draft, under the same rules as the ones the Golden Knights just had.

Three players, an otherwise barren cap situation, top odds in the lottery, and an expansion draft to start all over with. Would you do it? Would you take the Nuclear Option?

It goes without saying that not many teams would. This year's Coyotes wouldn't, for example. They've been rebuilding for years, and have plenty of good young players worth holding onto. I doubt any of this year's bad teams would seriously consider it, unless things go completely off the rails somewhere.

But last year's Avalanche would have had to at least think about it, right? And you can bet that a team like the Sabres would have jumped at the chance a few years ago leading into the McDavid draft. You'd probably see the option used once or twice a decade, just about always after a team had fired its old GM and hired a replacement with a mandate to rebuild. Imagine that new guy having the option to walk in, take one look around, go "NOPE" and just bulldoze the entire thing.

(As an added bonus, the same league full of cry-baby GMs who spent all of last year whining about how the expansion draft made their jobs slightly harder would absolutely lose their minds if they had another one dropped on them with a few weeks' notice. That's not the main point here, but it's a nice side-benefit.)

How much fun would it be to argue over whether your favorite team should use the Nuclear Option? How hard would you have to work before you started to talk yourself into it? How mad would you be when Nuke Day came around and your team chickened out and didn't do it?

Like most great ideas, the NHL would never do it in a million years. But they should. Terrible teams need hope too, and the Golden Knights have proven that it's not as far away as you might think. You just need a way to get there. You need the Nuclear Option.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Today's obscure player is a guy you probably saw a few photos of this week: former Sabres and Canucks goaltender Gary "Bones" Bromley.

Bromley was never drafted, but was signed by the expansion Sabres in 1971 and made his NHL debut two years later. He played 12 games backing up Dave Dryden for the 1973-74 Sabres, then won the starting job for most of the 1974-75 season after Dryden left. He played well, going 26-11-11 and helping the Sabres to a league-high 113 points. That team went all the way to the Stanley Cup final, but turned to late-season acquisition Gerry Desjardins and Roger Crozier for the entire run; despite appearing in over 50 regular season games, Bromley never even saw the ice in a playoff game that year.

He'd play just one more game for the Sabres the following year before heading to the WHA for two seasons. He returned to the NHL in 1978 after signing with the Canucks, and spent three years pulling part-time duty. After a year in the minors, he retired in 1982, having won 54 games over six NHL seasons.

Today, he's probably best remembered for the fearsome skull mask he wore in Vancouver. It was one of the most unique looks of the era, and to this day often shows up on lists of the greatest masks ever.

Trivial Annoyance of the Week

Have you ever been at a point when things were going well—not awesome, not great, but reasonably well—and then your stupid friends show up to remind you that their lives are way better than yours?

That's what it felt like to be a hockey fan this week.

The big news in the sports world this week was the World Series, a seven-game thriller that drew big ratings. Games six and seven were good, but the real show came earlier in the series, as the league's secret new baseballs resulted in every third batter hitting a home run off the face of the moon and everyone went crazy over how much fun it was. Oh, OK, so now sports fans enjoy games with lots of offense. When did this happen?

[Checks earpiece]

I'm being told that everyone has always thought offense was fun. Huh. Well OK, then where were all of you during the NHL playoffs?

[Checks earpiece]

Right, I'm told that the deciding game of the Stanley Cup final featured 58 scoreless minutes, a fluke goal that had to be reviewed, and an empty netter. Huh. I'd completely forgotten about that game. I can't imagine why.

Meanwhile, the NFL stole a few headlines with it trade deadline. If you follow football, you know that their deadline is usually a bust. Unlike in the NHL, where GMs just pretend because they like excuses, the salary cap actually does make trading hard in the NFL because signing bonuses get instantly converted to dead money when a player switches teams. So moves are rare, especially midseason ones, and the trade deadline often passes without anyone really even noticing.

But not this year, where everything went insane and trades were happening everywhere. And not just NHL deadline-style veteran rentals, but big names, young stars, potential franchise quarterbacks…everyone. It was madness. Glorious, wonderful madness.

And then you've got the NBA, where the season is only just starting but everyone has a personality and says interesting things and players quit on their teams over Twitter and fired coaches go scorched earth on Instagram.

Look, other leagues, we get it. You're more fun than the NHL. Leave us alone.

I mean, we're trying, OK? The Golden Knights are a genuinely cool story, Nikita Kucherov and Steven Stamkos are killing it in Tampa, the Kings are kind of back, and the Blues and Devils are surprisingly good. That's something, right? Scoring's up slightly because of extra power plays, there's intrigue in New York, and the Coyotes are terrible, which can be entertaining in its own kind of way.

Sure, we may not have record offense and blockbuster trades and social media wars. We're working on it, OK? You don't need to rub it in our faces all at once. Why don't you go lose half a season to a work stoppage?

[Checks earpiece]

I'm told that other sports don't do that anymore. Wonderful. Good for you. Now finish your seasons, pack up and get out of your stadiums. We're going to need them for our outdoor games pretty soon.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Hey, it's not like the NHL never serves up a ridiculously high-scoring playoff game. For example, today let's travel back to 2006 and see what happens when two rivals decide to play with the goaltending sliders pushed all the way down…

It's the second round of the 2006 playoffs, and the Senators are hosting the Sabres for game one. It's a great matchup, featuring a 113-point team facing a 110-point team. It also pits the conference's lowest goals-against against its fourth-lowest, so I'm sure there won't be much offense. Hey, defense wins championships, am I right?

Our clip begins a few seconds after the opening faceoff as we get a look at the Sabres lines and yeah it's already 1-0.

Mike Grier has tipped in a Derek Roy feed to give the Sabres the lead. Nice start. Now they just have to settle in and play a classic road playoff games, take the crowd out of it and wait until—oops never mind it's 1-1.

That Ottawa goal was Jason Spezza from Dany Heatley and Wade Redden, as the Senators deploy their famed "guys we love right now but will eventually leave town as villains" line. I guess Daniel Alfredsson missed a shift.

The Senators make it 2-1 just 15 seconds later. A quick warning here: This game is in Ottawa, which means it features the Senators goal horn guy, which means you're going to be deaf by the end of it. He's a tad excitable. Here's some behind-the-scenes footage of him at work, but it's a preseason game so he's taking it easy.

On the other hand, we've got Bob Cole. You win some, you lose some.

Six minutes in, the Sabres tie it at 2-2. (Hello, Numminen.) Amazingly, this will be the last goal of the first period, as everyone's arms are tired and they decide to just skip ahead to the intermission.

By the way, the goaltending matchup here is Ray Emery against Ryan Miller, which is fine, but we have to point out that this was the year the Senators had Dominik Hasek. But he got hurt at the Olympics, depriving us of one of the great face-the-former-team revenge matchups in league history. Damn you, Olympic injuries, maybe Gary Bettman was right about you all along.

We're back for the second period, both teams having made their intermission adjustments. In the Sabres case, that was apparently "let's give up easy breakaways." and they go out and execute it beautifully.

Buffalo gets it back quickly, as they get a 2-on-1 and then do that video games move where you forget which button is the pass one and just end up with everyone skating into the goalie and pushing the puck into the net because you have penalties turned off. It's super effective!

A few seconds later, the Senators have a 5-on-3 and you can probably guess how this turns out. They do that thing where they park Zdeno Chara directly in front of the net and dare the goalie to do anything about it. It works, because the only goalie crazy enough to ever swing at Chara was Ray Emery.

We skip ahead to goals by Derek Roy at the end of the second and Mike Fisher at the start of the third, and it's 5-4 Ottawa. Both starting goalies are still in, by the way, and will stay in for the entire game. I always thought that was an underrated aspect of this game's silliness.

Side note: This is somehow only the second craziest game featuring Ray Emery and the Sabres.

At this point, things actually settle down and the two teams decide to play NHL playoff hockey, which is to say nobody does anything interesting for almost an entire period. The keyword here is "almost," as things are going to go off the rails as soon as we get to two minutes left. Which is right…now.

The Senators have a one-goal lead late in regulation, a powerplay, the puck in the Sabres' zone, and still somehow manage to give up a 2-on-1. Derek Roy buries the one-timer and it's 5-5.

Hey, was I the only one who called him Derek Wah for his whole career, like Patrick Roy? I don't think I was.

We get a brief glimpse of a dude with an Obscure Player Alumni Maxim Afinogenov jersey, but before our brains can process that we're back to the action. The Senators still have a powerplay, remember. You'll never guess what happens next.

This may be my favorite moment from the game, as Bryan Smolinksi bangs home the go-ahead goal with a minute left and makes one of the all-time great "whew, did we ever just dodge a bullet there" smug faces. Hold that thought, Bryan.

We're down to 20 seconds left, and all the Senators have to do now is cram all six guys into the goal frame and call it a day. Instead, there's a mixup behind the net, the puck comes out front, and Tim Connolly buries it to tie the game. The crowd makes that classic "Are you F-ing kidding me?" noise you only get in the NHL playoffs, and we're off to overtime.

OK, settle in because these two teams are going to smarten up and get conservative. Ha, no, just kidding, the overtime is going to last 18 seconds.

The end comes when Anton Volchenkov commits what might literally be the worst turnover in modern playoff history. Seriously, let's just admire that thing. Not only does he fan on the pass, he kicks it off both skates and then turns his back to the puck as the Sabres break in. By the time Chris Drury scores the winner, Volchenkov is just sadly sliding off into the corner on his belly. Other than that, I thought the shift went well.

The Sabres ended up taking the series in five games, three of which came in overtime. But the Senators earned revenge in 2007, knocking out Buffalo on their way to the Stanley Cup final. This time, Emery and the Senators learned from their mistakes and made sure that when the puck was behind their own net at a crucial moment, they never let the other team even touch it.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Halloween Hijinx, The Nuclear Option, and an Ode to Offense published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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DGB Grab Bag: Halloween Hijinx, The Nuclear Option, and an Ode to Offense

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: The Nashville Predators enjoyed Halloween – We won't clog this whole section with NHL player Halloween costumes. If that's your thing, you can find a rundown on the league web site, although they seem to have left one out. But we will mention the Predators, who may have been enjoying themselves a little too much, starting with P.K. Subban:

But the real stars were Nick Bonnino and his wife Lauren, who went as the scariest thing a hockey player can imagine.

The second star: Ryan Reaves vs. Phil Kessel – OK, one more Halloween one.

The first star: Chance the mascot – The new Vegas mascot has not had a warm reception, as documented here.

Honestly, the whole thing is reasonably funny, but I'm putting it in the top spot solely for the little girl who goes "GOOD ONE, DEL." That kid kills me. That needs to go right up there with "Way to go, Paul" as a generic hockey putdown.

Be It Resolved

We're a month into the season, and the Golden Knights are still decent. Sure, everyone realizes that they're not as good as their record indicates, but they're far better than most of us expected. It turns out that expansion teams in the salary cap era can be reasonably competitive right away.

Meanwhile, the Arizona Coyotes began the year with a record-tying 11 straight losses, and their season is already basically over. Other teams, like the Sabres, Rangers, Canadiens, and Oilers are another bad week or two away from being in the same boat.

All of which leads us to our crazy idea of the month. From the same minds that brought you the Jagr Draft, Cup champs picking their banner night opponent on live TV, and using the Cliffhanger guy to announce player signings, please welcome the league's newest rule: The Nuclear Option.

Yes, the name's kind of dramatic, I know. The idea lives up to it.

It would work like this. Every year, at the end of the regular season, all the non-playoff teams have the option of hitting the reset button on the entire franchise. If a team decides to go nuclear, they get to protect up to three players in the entire organization—not just NHL, but prospects, unsigned picks, etc.—and everyone else instantly becomes a free agent. No cap hits, no buyouts, no re-signing anyone, no compensation. Everything you spent the last decade building is gone.

In return for nuking the entire organization, the team gets two things. First, they move to the front of the line for that year's draft lottery odds, if they're not already there. And second, they get to restock in an expansion draft, under the same rules as the ones the Golden Knights just had.

Three players, an otherwise barren cap situation, top odds in the lottery, and an expansion draft to start all over with. Would you do it? Would you take the Nuclear Option?

It goes without saying that not many teams would. This year's Coyotes wouldn't, for example. They've been rebuilding for years, and have plenty of good young players worth holding onto. I doubt any of this year's bad teams would seriously consider it, unless things go completely off the rails somewhere.

But last year's Avalanche would have had to at least think about it, right? And you can bet that a team like the Sabres would have jumped at the chance a few years ago leading into the McDavid draft. You'd probably see the option used once or twice a decade, just about always after a team had fired its old GM and hired a replacement with a mandate to rebuild. Imagine that new guy having the option to walk in, take one look around, go "NOPE" and just bulldoze the entire thing.

(As an added bonus, the same league full of cry-baby GMs who spent all of last year whining about how the expansion draft made their jobs slightly harder would absolutely lose their minds if they had another one dropped on them with a few weeks' notice. That's not the main point here, but it's a nice side-benefit.)

How much fun would it be to argue over whether your favorite team should use the Nuclear Option? How hard would you have to work before you started to talk yourself into it? How mad would you be when Nuke Day came around and your team chickened out and didn't do it?

Like most great ideas, the NHL would never do it in a million years. But they should. Terrible teams need hope too, and the Golden Knights have proven that it's not as far away as you might think. You just need a way to get there. You need the Nuclear Option.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Today's obscure player is a guy you probably saw a few photos of this week: former Sabres and Canucks goaltender Gary "Bones" Bromley.

Bromley was never drafted, but was signed by the expansion Sabres in 1971 and made his NHL debut two years later. He played 12 games backing up Dave Dryden for the 1973-74 Sabres, then won the starting job for most of the 1974-75 season after Dryden left. He played well, going 26-11-11 and helping the Sabres to a league-high 113 points. That team went all the way to the Stanley Cup final, but turned to late-season acquisition Gerry Desjardins and Roger Crozier for the entire run; despite appearing in over 50 regular season games, Bromley never even saw the ice in a playoff game that year.

He'd play just one more game for the Sabres the following year before heading to the WHA for two seasons. He returned to the NHL in 1978 after signing with the Canucks, and spent three years pulling part-time duty. After a year in the minors, he retired in 1982, having won 54 games over six NHL seasons.

Today, he's probably best remembered for the fearsome skull mask he wore in Vancouver. It was one of the most unique looks of the era, and to this day often shows up on lists of the greatest masks ever.

Trivial Annoyance of the Week

Have you ever been at a point when things were going well—not awesome, not great, but reasonably well—and then your stupid friends show up to remind you that their lives are way better than yours?

That's what it felt like to be a hockey fan this week.

The big news in the sports world this week was the World Series, a seven-game thriller that drew big ratings. Games six and seven were good, but the real show came earlier in the series, as the league's secret new baseballs resulted in every third batter hitting a home run off the face of the moon and everyone went crazy over how much fun it was. Oh, OK, so now sports fans enjoy games with lots of offense. When did this happen?

[Checks earpiece]

I'm being told that everyone has always thought offense was fun. Huh. Well OK, then where were all of you during the NHL playoffs?

[Checks earpiece]

Right, I'm told that the deciding game of the Stanley Cup final featured 58 scoreless minutes, a fluke goal that had to be reviewed, and an empty netter. Huh. I'd completely forgotten about that game. I can't imagine why.

Meanwhile, the NFL stole a few headlines with it trade deadline. If you follow football, you know that their deadline is usually a bust. Unlike in the NHL, where GMs just pretend because they like excuses, the salary cap actually does make trading hard in the NFL because signing bonuses get instantly converted to dead money when a player switches teams. So moves are rare, especially midseason ones, and the trade deadline often passes without anyone really even noticing.

But not this year, where everything went insane and trades were happening everywhere. And not just NHL deadline-style veteran rentals, but big names, young stars, potential franchise quarterbacks…everyone. It was madness. Glorious, wonderful madness.

And then you've got the NBA, where the season is only just starting but everyone has a personality and says interesting things and players quit on their teams over Twitter and fired coaches go scorched earth on Instagram.

Look, other leagues, we get it. You're more fun than the NHL. Leave us alone.

I mean, we're trying, OK? The Golden Knights are a genuinely cool story, Nikita Kucherov and Steven Stamkos are killing it in Tampa, the Kings are kind of back, and the Blues and Devils are surprisingly good. That's something, right? Scoring's up slightly because of extra power plays, there's intrigue in New York, and the Coyotes are terrible, which can be entertaining in its own kind of way.

Sure, we may not have record offense and blockbuster trades and social media wars. We're working on it, OK? You don't need to rub it in our faces all at once. Why don't you go lose half a season to a work stoppage?

[Checks earpiece]

I'm told that other sports don't do that anymore. Wonderful. Good for you. Now finish your seasons, pack up and get out of your stadiums. We're going to need them for our outdoor games pretty soon.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Hey, it's not like the NHL never serves up a ridiculously high-scoring playoff game. For example, today let's travel back to 2006 and see what happens when two rivals decide to play with the goaltending sliders pushed all the way down…

It's the second round of the 2006 playoffs, and the Senators are hosting the Sabres for game one. It's a great matchup, featuring a 113-point team facing a 110-point team. It also pits the conference's lowest goals-against against its fourth-lowest, so I'm sure there won't be much offense. Hey, defense wins championships, am I right?

Our clip begins a few seconds after the opening faceoff as we get a look at the Sabres lines and yeah it's already 1-0.

Mike Grier has tipped in a Derek Roy feed to give the Sabres the lead. Nice start. Now they just have to settle in and play a classic road playoff games, take the crowd out of it and wait until—oops never mind it's 1-1.

That Ottawa goal was Jason Spezza from Dany Heatley and Wade Redden, as the Senators deploy their famed "guys we love right now but will eventually leave town as villains" line. I guess Daniel Alfredsson missed a shift.

The Senators make it 2-1 just 15 seconds later. A quick warning here: This game is in Ottawa, which means it features the Senators goal horn guy, which means you're going to be deaf by the end of it. He's a tad excitable. Here's some behind-the-scenes footage of him at work, but it's a preseason game so he's taking it easy.

On the other hand, we've got Bob Cole. You win some, you lose some.

Six minutes in, the Sabres tie it at 2-2. (Hello, Numminen.) Amazingly, this will be the last goal of the first period, as everyone's arms are tired and they decide to just skip ahead to the intermission.

By the way, the goaltending matchup here is Ray Emery against Ryan Miller, which is fine, but we have to point out that this was the year the Senators had Dominik Hasek. But he got hurt at the Olympics, depriving us of one of the great face-the-former-team revenge matchups in league history. Damn you, Olympic injuries, maybe Gary Bettman was right about you all along.

We're back for the second period, both teams having made their intermission adjustments. In the Sabres case, that was apparently "let's give up easy breakaways." and they go out and execute it beautifully.

Buffalo gets it back quickly, as they get a 2-on-1 and then do that video games move where you forget which button is the pass one and just end up with everyone skating into the goalie and pushing the puck into the net because you have penalties turned off. It's super effective!

A few seconds later, the Senators have a 5-on-3 and you can probably guess how this turns out. They do that thing where they park Zdeno Chara directly in front of the net and dare the goalie to do anything about it. It works, because the only goalie crazy enough to ever swing at Chara was Ray Emery.

We skip ahead to goals by Derek Roy at the end of the second and Mike Fisher at the start of the third, and it's 5-4 Ottawa. Both starting goalies are still in, by the way, and will stay in for the entire game. I always thought that was an underrated aspect of this game's silliness.

Side note: This is somehow only the second craziest game featuring Ray Emery and the Sabres.

At this point, things actually settle down and the two teams decide to play NHL playoff hockey, which is to say nobody does anything interesting for almost an entire period. The keyword here is "almost," as things are going to go off the rails as soon as we get to two minutes left. Which is right…now.

The Senators have a one-goal lead late in regulation, a powerplay, the puck in the Sabres' zone, and still somehow manage to give up a 2-on-1. Derek Roy buries the one-timer and it's 5-5.

Hey, was I the only one who called him Derek Wah for his whole career, like Patrick Roy? I don't think I was.

We get a brief glimpse of a dude with an Obscure Player Alumni Maxim Afinogenov jersey, but before our brains can process that we're back to the action. The Senators still have a powerplay, remember. You'll never guess what happens next.

This may be my favorite moment from the game, as Bryan Smolinksi bangs home the go-ahead goal with a minute left and makes one of the all-time great "whew, did we ever just dodge a bullet there" smug faces. Hold that thought, Bryan.

We're down to 20 seconds left, and all the Senators have to do now is cram all six guys into the goal frame and call it a day. Instead, there's a mixup behind the net, the puck comes out front, and Tim Connolly buries it to tie the game. The crowd makes that classic "Are you F-ing kidding me?" noise you only get in the NHL playoffs, and we're off to overtime.

OK, settle in because these two teams are going to smarten up and get conservative. Ha, no, just kidding, the overtime is going to last 18 seconds.

The end comes when Anton Volchenkov commits what might literally be the worst turnover in modern playoff history. Seriously, let's just admire that thing. Not only does he fan on the pass, he kicks it off both skates and then turns his back to the puck as the Sabres break in. By the time Chris Drury scores the winner, Volchenkov is just sadly sliding off into the corner on his belly. Other than that, I thought the shift went well.

The Sabres ended up taking the series in five games, three of which came in overtime. But the Senators earned revenge in 2007, knocking out Buffalo on their way to the Stanley Cup final. This time, Emery and the Senators learned from their mistakes and made sure that when the puck was behind their own net at a crucial moment, they never let the other team even touch it.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Halloween Hijinx, The Nuclear Option, and an Ode to Offense published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv