#but im still stuck on puberty 2 :/

[lunityviruss]

Damn I really do bet on losing dogs.

[mrsparrasblog]

Highschool AU pt.2

Summary: You and your Brother moved away from Austria because of your parents Divorce, making you attend Northbridge Academy in Exeter, England. On your first day you meet the bullied Simon Riley and the overly extroverted John MacTavish. As if dealing with puberty, sports and your grades wasn't hard enough you fell in love not only with your Bestfriend Simon but also with Johnny, that Johnny was in love with both of you didn't make the Dynamic better

Pt.1

November 1990

As the days passed, you fell into a comfortable routine. You made a point to sit next to Simon in every class, despite Johnny's attempts to claim the seat besides you. You got used to Johnny though; he was funny and surprisingly smart. He even beat you in physics once, which made you incredibly mad. You always wanted to excel in academics; sometimes it felt like it was the only thing you were good at—getting good grades. If you couldn't be good at that, what special thing would be left in you?

"Lizzie, it's just an A, who cares if it's not an A+? You won't die from it," Simon nagged. He never understood your drive to excel in school. He wasn’t bad himself, though; he mostly got Bs, especially in math, history, and chemistry. He had some Cs in English and Housekeeping —claiming it was unimportant for him that he did poorly in sewing. He was right, though; that's why you didn’t pick that incredibly dumb subject and chose advanced German instead, which was like a free pass for you. Unfortunately, you were in the same class as John, the annoying new friend of your brother. He was always so flirty, although he was cute.

"How do you know? Maybe I'll fall dead on the ground in the next second."

"Would be a blessing for some of us," Simon replied. After a few weeks of school, you were surprised to find out that Simon wasn’t like he looked. He wasn’t shy and uncomfortable; he pulled lots of jokes—bad ones—next to you. Worse, his humor was dry and mean, making you chuckle all the time, which he secretly loved.

"You're an idiot, Si."

"And still, I'm your favorite, Lizzie."

"Only because Johnny isn’t a real challenge to you."

"Don’t let Johnny hear that; he will be mad."

"Maybe he needs a bit of an ego shrink," You laughed.

Simon and you walked towards your table. It was like in all those American movies you watched when you were allowed to watch TV. Tiffany and her squad had their own table, and then there were tables full of footballers where Kyle sat most of the time, except when Johnny begged him to sit with you. Michael, like the perfect big brother he was, was always where you were. And where Michael was, John and sometimes Nik would be, if he didn’t spend 90% of his time in detention.

Every Thursday was mail delivery day, the best part of the week. You always looked forward to a letter from Dad. He told you about all the different places he visited for work, and there was always a postcard in the letter. You had over 120 postcards, all placed on the wall of your dorm. At least that made you feel at home. Northbridge Academy wasn’t as bad as you feared at the beginning. The teachers were great, the school was fun, and you had Simon and Johnny. The only downside was my dorm mates. While the boys were more than lucky despite Si complaining about Michael's snoring, they still had a nice group. Meanwhile, you were stuck with Tiffany, Laurie, and Anne in a room, and it was even worse than you imagined.

Simon opened his mail, and his expression changed. He tried to regain his composure quickly, but he couldn't fool me. You knew something was up, so you poked him under the table, trying to get his mail. Surprisingly, he gave it to you without any further resistance, and for once, You wished he hadn’t.

Hello Simon, Im on a camping trip with your Mom and Thomas. Don´t bother coming over the long weekend. We wont be there. Stay at your trust fund school. Dad 

"Si—"

"No, Lizzie." He stood up and left the table, surprising everyone else who hadn’t noticed anything. Typical boys. You followed him into his dorm and sat next to him on the bed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's not a big deal, Lizzie. They're just on vacation."

"Is it?"

"Lizzie."

"You know you could come with Mich and me. Mom wouldn’t mind at all; she loves hosting people and all that stuff. We can spend more time together, and you don’t need to stay in this musty room—like, really, do you boys even clean?" You laughed at the chaos of the room. Everywhere, there were paint stains, football shoes, and, on what you guessed was Nik’s and John’s bed, an E-guitar was placed.

"Lizzie, it’s okay. You know I can practice a bit before the start of ice hockey season."

"Pleaseeeeeeee." You looked at him with puppy eyes. I needed him to come with me.

"Okay, but only this once." He agreed, and you gave him a big bear hug.

SIMONS POV 

"Whit dae ye mean ye gang hame wi' Ellie?"

"Was invited," I said shortly.

"Was invited too," John chimed in, while he tuned his guitar, making noises not safe for humanity.

"How come is a' body invited 'cept me?" Johnny started to whine. The answer would be easy for anyone with eyes: she doesn’t like his flirting, she is scared of things like this, and asking her to marry him after she gave him a cookie wasn’t the smartest choice.

"I wasn’t invited," Kyle replied shortly.

"You're not invited, Johnny, 'cause ye need to tone it down with my sister. She is only 13; she doesn’t care about boys right now. And asking her at any chance if she wants to marry you makes her scared. Ye don’t know anything about girls, do ye?" That was the most words I've heard from König since, well, ever, but he was right. Johnny needed to tone it down. I didn’t like how Lizzie felt insecure whenever he did it and clung to me. The truth is Lizzie wasn’t afraid of him or anything; she even liked Johnny as a friend. She just thought his advances were jokes. Johnny liked to joke a lot, giving him the reputation of a class clown. And so, his big gestures for her felt like a joke to her, especially since she was so insecure at heart. I just never understood why? She was smart, funny, much cooler than any other girl, and she was pretty, not that I would ever tell that to someone.

"Just trying to be good, König," Johnny muttered.

"If ye weren’t a lovesick little puppy, he’d probably punch you into oblivion," John mentioned.

"You can come too, Johnny," König replied, still giving him the big brother glance.

"Sweet."

"Wait, how do we all fit in a car?" I asked, afraid that Johnny would take my place, and I needed to stay here. But everyone just looked at me weirdly, and I didn’t know why.

The next day, on our way to Lizzie's house, I finally knew why. There was a fucking limousine with black windows, probably bulletproof, like in James Bond movies. A small man in his 50s walked outside of the car wearing a black suit and smiling as he walked towards Lizzie, taking her baggage from her hands.

"He doesn’t look like Lizzie’s Dad," I said. It was true; they didn’t look similar, but still, she hugged him like you’d hug a family member, I guess?

John started to laugh. "You really don’t know a lot about Beth." Beth? Why did he call my Lizzie Beth? That was a shitty name.

"I know a lot about her."

"Not about her world, little one." I hated it when people reduced me for my small frame. I didn’t want to be the skinny short boy walking behind Lizzie all the time in need of her support. At least she didn’t see me that way.

"Si, John, Johnny, that’s Alfred, he is our family, Butler," Lizzie said, smiling at Alfred like he was a family member more than a Butler.

We sat down in the limo. Lizzie, of course, sat next to me, much to the dislike of Johnny. He kinda grew on me, though; he was funny and extroverted, and he wasn’t as posh as Kyle, who was a nice bloke but just didn’t get it. He was always complaining, as if he had problems, of course, he hadn’t. He was rich, good at football, and good-looking.

Lizzie fell asleep after a while, her head resting on my shoulder. I didn’t dare to move for the rest of the ride. She looked so peaceful when she didn’t move her lips and spoke.

"Mate, that's unfair. Why does Lizzie sleep on you instead of me?" Johnny whined, but I ignored him. "I liked her first, brocade and everything, Simon."

"You don’t call dips on my sister, or I'll cut your tongue out," König spoke calmly. He was confusing me; he was mostly silent but always threatened everyone who came too close to Lizzie. He never threatened me though, of course not; no one saw a threat in me.

We arrived at a big white mansion, almost looking like the Buckingham Palace. I knew Lizzie was rich, but this rich? I should probably search Kortac up, what they did, and how her dad must be so rich.

John only shrugged as if it was nothing, making me feel like I was the dumb one. This wasn’t normal; why are they acting like this?

As I stepped into Lizzie's villa, my jaw practically hit the floor. I mean, I've seen big houses before, but this was something else. The entrance was like walking into a palace or something. The marble floors were so shiny

; I could see my reflection in them. And those pillars! They were taller than any trees I've ever seen, reaching up to a ceiling painted with fancy designs that made me feel like I was in a museum.

I couldn't help but gawk as I made my way through the place. The living room was like a dream. Soft, velvet couches and chairs were everywhere, so plush you could practically sink into them. Paintings and tapestries covered the walls, like something out of a history book. And don't even get me started on the fireplace! It was huge, with flames dancing and crackling like something out of a movie. All around were paintings that probably cost more than Mom's salary as a nurse.

The dining room was even more posh. A long, mahogany table stretched out in front of me, set with fancy plates and silverware that looked like they belonged in a museum. A chandelier hung overhead, sparkling with crystals and casting a warm light over everything.

In the kitchen, everything was shiny and new. Stainless steel appliances lined the walls, and there were bowls of fruit and baskets of bread everywhere. It smelled amazing, like something out of a cooking show. Chefs walked around the house; they had fucking chefs? I thought the Butler was much, but they had more staff. Didn’t rich people know how to cook for themselves?

As I wandered around, I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. I mean, we have a house; it's nice and all, but it's nothing like this. Lizzie's family must be really rich to live in a place like this. But as much as I envied her, I couldn't help but feel grateful that she was my friend, never judging me because of my scholarship like Tiffany did, and by the looks of it, Tiffany wasn’t even half as wealthy as Lizzie and König are.

"Mutter, Vater, Ich dachte Papa ist in Salzburg gerade," König said. He sounded more confident when he spoke German.

Lizzie's parents looked like nice people; her Dad was the tallest man I've ever seen and looked a bit intimidating, while her mom looked a lot like Lizzie herself, just older.

"Dein Vater hat gehört, ihr kommt hier her und ist direkt gekommen," her dad replied.

"Also, seid ihr nicht wieder zusammen?" Lizzie’s voice sounded so different in German, but she still sounded nice and soft.

"Nein, und sprech Englisch, das ist unhöflich gegenüber deinen Gästen," her mom scolded, her voice too loud for the small room.

"So, who do we have here?" Lizzie’s father asked curiously.

"I'm John Price, sir."

"Oh, like William Price?"

"Yes, that's my old man."

"We worked together quite a bit for his campaign."

"Wait, my dad worked with Kortac?" John lost the color of his face, and I really needed to know what the fuck Kortac is.

"I'm Johnny MacTavish."

"Well, didn’t hear of your family," Lizzie’s dad mustered Johnny.

"Richard, be nice," Lizzie’s mom scolded, in a tone too loud for the room. "Okay, and you are?" She gestured to me.

"Simon Riley, nice to meet you both, sir," I replied politely, shaking his hand, only to get my hand crushed.

As I followed Lizzie's family into the dining room, I couldn't believe my eyes. The table was like something out of a fancy restaurant, but way bigger. There were so many dishes spread out that I had never seen or tried before. I mean, I knew what a salad was and some of the other stuff, but there were these little black things in jars that Lizzie's dad called "caviar." I had no idea what that was, but everyone seemed to be enjoying it, so I tried a tiny bit. It was salty and kinda strange, definitely not like anything I'd ever eaten. Johnny looked as confused as me; of course, the academy had fancy food, but this was weird. And so much different from what mom cooked for us, and I longed for her lasagna right now.

Then there were all these different forks and spoons and knives laid out next to the plates. I was used to just one fork and one spoon at home, but here, it was like a whole set of tools just for eating. I glanced over at Lizzie, who noticed my confusion and tried to discreetly explain which fork to use for which course. But I could tell I was still getting it wrong.

Lizzie's family seemed used to all this fancy stuff, chatting away as they effortlessly used their array of utensils. Meanwhile, I was struggling not to knock over a glass or use the wrong fork. Her mom smiled kindly at me and offered some advice on what to try next, but I couldn't shake the feeling of being out of place. John and König, of course, knew how to act. I noticed how Lizzie’s dad liked John, but Lizzie’s mom definitely liked me.

It was strange; they were so familiar with each other, chatting at dinner and laughing, listening to Lizzie ramble about the school teaching shitty German. It was so different than at home; no one screamed, no one cried, and, most importantly, no one punched each other.

Johnny and I slept in one of the various guest chambers, and it was so comfortable, the best sleep I've ever had until I heard Lizzie scream from next door. I ran towards her room; I didn’t know what was wrong, but I needed to find out.

She lay in her luxurious room, whining and shaking in her sleep. I always thought rich families like these never had any problems, but here she was having night terrors.

I sat next to her in bed, brushing my hand towards her silky hair. "I'm here, Lizzie, everything is good."

"Please don’t kill me; I don’t know anything," she cried, and then König walked in, pushing me to the side while grabbing her in his bulky arms, whispering to her something in German until she calmed down and slept peacefully again. Now, all of us stood in her room. I just wanted to comfort Lizzie, telling her everything would be fine again.

"What was this?" John asked.

"Nightmares."

"That’s more than nightmares, mate," Johnny said, earning a death glare from König. I didn’t know what I thought, but I stood up and walked towards her bed again, cuddling her like Mom and Dad always did. For the first time, I could protect someone, and I’d protect her like she protected me.

"LEAVE."

"No, she is my best friend; I won’t leave." Slowly, after minutes, John and Johnny climbed into Lizzie’s bed. All of us wanted to comfort the girl who gave us everything every day. And so all five of us played together in the bed, eager to protect her from whatever haunted her. It was nice; having her in my arms was the last thought before I slowly drifted into a peaceful sleep.

[bobby-r2d2-floyd]

back in town (rhett abbott x reader)

authors note: hey guys! it feels like 30 years but i finally have the second part of life goes on (read part one here if you want!) i feel like this can be read as a stand alone, or as a continuation. im thinking only a one more part to this?

warnings: language, mentions of panties, mentions of rhett getting a boner towards the end, maria and rhett kissing, sibling violence? (a pillow gets thrown at some ones head)

not proof read well, no beta we die like men in this

word count: 2.5k

------------

It’s been almost 10 years since you last stepped foot into Amelia County, and not a damned thing has changed except that some stores have closed down. 

You still remember the morning dew on your skin your last night in town, and how Rhett’s arm felt draped over you as the sun was just beginning to rise over the mountain tops. 

After dropping out of art school you bounced around from major city to major city all up and down the east coast. You worked at a couple of art galleries, you had enough experience to get by but since you dropped out just before graduation, you never quite became the curator anywhere; but that was okay with you. Three years you spent in Chicago, wasting your time. Your heart was never in it, it was stuck here in Wabang with a certain Abbott boy and, yeah, you were good at what you did but you never saw yourself doing art as a career, it was always your dad’s dream for you. You wanted to be in the rodeo shows, you were a decent roper, dappled in barrel racing, cutting.. Never brave enough for the bulls, though, that was always Rhett’s thing. So when you happened to be passing through Kentucky, you thought ‘what the hell’ and sought out the arena director and asked if there was anything that you could do to help out and as luck would have it, they needed a barrel racer after one of the other girls broke her collarbone and required surgery. 

It was like the rodeo gods or whoever was up there was smiling down on you that day, you knew that they didn’t just take people off the street, and that most people had to work for spots to even be considered, but it was a smaller rodeo, not one of the large ones that you would see televised from a big city. Despite it being years since you were in the saddle, you finished in third place for the night.

You toured around with them for years before moving up to a bit bigger of a rodeo, and that rodeo happened to land you in Montana, and then Colorado before finally dumping off in Cheyenne, Wyoming.

You took the day before it was due to start to go back home, see your mom and siblings. They’d be 16 and 18 soon, hard to believe you left them when they were still just kids, you missed a ton of milestones for them, only discussing them over facetime and the one time they were able to make it out to Chicago for Christmas one year. 

You celebrated grades and puberty and boyfriends and girlfriends from across the United States. You wanted nothing more than to hug your baby sister when she got her first period at 10 years old, 2 whole years before you even had yours, and when she went through her first heartbreak at 15; gave the bastard everything because he convinced her that he loved her. You hated that you weren’t there to help your mom out when your brother was going through his destructive phase.

You walk in the front door to your house, surprised that your mom hasn’t been robbed yet and you let out a small laugh, “mama?” you call out, shutting the storm door behind you so the wind wouldn’t take it away when it tried to self shut. You don’t get an answer so you continue the trek across your house, stopping occasionally and listening if anyone was even home, it wasn’t uncommon for your mom to leave the door unlocked when no one was home, your closest neighbors were the Abbott’s and even they lived about 2 miles away. 

You walked out to the barn, smiled when your old horse rubbed against your shoulder, “hey boy, where’d everyone go?” you ask as you give him some scratches behind his jaw. Almost as if he understood what you said he turns to look at a flier that was tacked up on the side of the barn door and you let out a laugh. 

Of course the county fair was going on. Your sister used to beg you to take you every single day during the week and you see that that was still the case. You give the gentle giant a couple treats from the feed closet and give them to him before heading out back to the front to the truck you’re renting.

The drive to town was short despite living so far away, you were lucky to find a place to park where you did and you started to make your way in, paying for a ticket and stopping to talk to the few people who remembered you. 

“-for Amelia County’s rodeo royalty, Rhett Abbott!” you hear over the loudspeaker and make your way to the grandstands to watch. “Rhett’s first ride is on Guiness tonight, he’s been on a roll lately, coming out on top every ride for the last 10 rides that he’s done, let’s see if he can make 11.” You perch yourself up against the bars, pulling your Stetson a lower down your face but high enough that you can still see and you watch him go the full 8 seconds on a bull that looked like it was out for blood. You screamed along with the rest of the crowd when he came out on top for the first round of riders. The smile on his face warms your heart, it’s a smile you hadn’t seen since before you left. In all the pictures that your mom had shown you, very few smiles were true Rhett smiles, that smile was saved for when he was winning, on his horse, and with you. You began to walk over to where he was, you couldn’t wait to wrap your arms around him again, you just hoped that he would be excited to see you. 

Just as you were rounding the corner, you stopped dead in your tracks, your heart breaking because of Rhett for the second time. Not even 10 feet in front of you, Rhett had his arms tight around Maria Olivares. The one girl no one could ever compete with, the only other girl Rhett ever had eyes for, aside from you but of course you didn’t know that. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a deep kiss, one that left him completely breathless when he pulled away and he smiled down at her like she had hung the sun.

You backed up slowly, not wanting to bother anyone but of course a different rider had other plans, “watch where the fuck youre going, bitch.'' They spit out and it gets the attention of Rhett and Maria and you mumble out an apology before quickly darting away, wiping your eyes as you make your way back to the truck and out of the fair entirely. 

“Fucking knew that coming back home would be the worst idea.” you mumble as you throw your hair onto the passenger seat. You run your fingers through your hair and pull it up into a messy ponytail before driving back to your mom’s place where you fall asleep on the couch.

“Hey babygirl, why don’ you wake up and go upstairs?” your mom gently shakes you awake and you let out a mumble of a response and she laughs “come on. Wake up or ‘m gonna sic your brother ‘nd sister on you.” 

You groan but sit up anyways, “time is it?” 

“Just after midnight, Rhett came out on top’ah all his rides.” she tells you and you just hum and nod before standing up and stretching. She pulls you in for a long hug and you’re able to relax for the first time in what felt like years.

“Where’s Liv and Jase?” you ask, kicking off your boots finally and head towards the stairs.

“Olivia’s with her girlfriends and Jason’s with some of his football buddies.” she says and you nod and make your way up the stairs, pausing to use the bathroom and brush your teeth before making your way into your room. You can’t be bothered to open the duffle bag your mom must have brought in for you and you strip down to your tank top and panties before crawling into bed and falling into a deep sleep again.

When you awake the next morning it’s abrupt. You can feel someone breathing down on your face and you open your eyes and see Olivia’s brown ones staring right back at you. 

“Mornin.” she says and you groan and kick her off the bed, she laughs the entire way down and you roll over, pulling your blanket over your face and you try to get some more sleep. “C’mon, you gotta wake up, mama’s makin’ a full breakfast.” 

“Get out of my room.” 

“Not ‘til you’re ass it out of-ow! Mama, she’s thrown’ shit again!” Olivia calls and you hear your mom call up the stairs.

“Stop throwin’ shit at your sister! Get down ‘ere and eat your breakfast ‘fore Jason brings the whole team over!” 

“Toss me my jeans, will ya?” you ask, finally sitting up and Olivia throw’s the pants right at your face, “okay, I deserved that.” 

“Yeah, ya did. Why’s this your first time comin’ home in ten years? You didn’t even send an invitation when you graduated…” she says sadly and you sigh.

“Let’s go eat, need to talk to you and mom.” you tell her and she nods and you stand up and pull the jeans on before making your way down stairs. Your mom already has a plate made up for you, just like how you always took it as a kid, extra bacon, sunny side up eggs, and chocolate chip waffles. “Thanks mama,” you kiss her head and move around the kitchen to pour yourself a cup of coffee and orange juice before sitting down at the table.

“So… what have you been doin’ these past few years?” your mom asks as she takes her seat, “any big art jobs?”

“Um, actually I dropped out. A semester before graduation..” you say, not looking up at either of them. 

“Oh?” it’s all your mom can manage out and you nod. 

“Yeah, went through the program and it just… didn’t feel right? I’m uh, actually doing rodeos now. Barrel racing, some cutting.. Been ‘round the country. Make pretty good money for the level that I compete at.” you inform them and your mom looks surprised and your sister who looks angry.

“And did you not think to call? Or.. come back?” 

“Liv, ’m sorry, okay? I know I should have called or come home after leaving school. It’s just… everyone was so proud of me for leaving that it was easier to believe that I graduated than to tell you I didn’t.” you look up at her and she lets out a sigh. 

“I still love you, but that was a bitch more.” she says and you laugh.

“Yeah, it was.” you mom just rolls her eyes and you all fall into an easy conversation about rodeo and how the season is just about over.

“Rhett was invited to compete in Cheyenne this weekend, will you be there?” your mom asks and you nod.

“Yeah I think his event’ll be the last of the night. They usually do the bronco’s then bulls last, I’ll compete somewhere in the middle.” you tell them, leaning back in your chair and you take a sip of your coffee. “How have things been around here?” 

“Well, Perry Abbott went to jail, he and one of the Tillerson’s got in a fight and unfortunately Perry uh… Well the funeral for Trevor was a few years back… I think when you were 23?” Olivia says and you look at her confused.

“No shit..” you say in disbelief. Perry had always been a little strange to you but never kill-a-man strange, “how are the rest of the family?” 

“Well, Amy ran away, right after Perry got arrested.. Royal and Cecelia have been doing the best they can with the ranch. Rhett and Maria took off too shortly after the arrest but came back a year or so ago to help his parents afford to keep the place running. He earned enough from the rodeo business to help keep things afloat a little while longer.” your mom continued and you bite your lip.

“Did they get married or something?” your mom shoots you a knowing look and shakes her head.

“Nope, no marriage, no ring, no surprise babies. Perry’ll be out of jail soon, he was only sentenced for 10 years, he’s served half that already, so there’s always after he gets released.” 

“I should go, get ready and drive back to Cheyenne to make it in time for the rodeo.” you stand from the table and take your dishes to the sink. “You’re more than welcome to come. We have a special seating section where if you tell an usher your family they’ll let you sit in.” 

“We’ll be there honey.” your mom gives you a smile and you ruffle Olivia’s hair.

“Tell Jason he’s invited and can bring a friend.” you say on your way up the stairs and take a quick shower before throwing on clean clothes and heading back downstairs. 

You throw a goodbye and see you later over your shoulder before making your way back to Cheyenne. You manage to dodge Rhett all night, in fact it isn’t even until your name is announced that he knows you’re at the rodeo, let alone in it.

He stood by and watched you, just like you watched him last night. He couldn’t believe he was actually seeing you, for the first time in a decade. He watched until he couldn’t see you anymore and when that happened he made his way back to the horse stalls, walking straight to you as if he had internal guidance right to where you were.

You stood there, taking care removing your saddle and playing it on its rack off to the side. His eyes tracked your every move, taking in every detail about you. Your subtle weight gain in the right places and the loss in the others. Your jeans filled out more than when he last saw you and he hated the immediate reaction his body had, the hot lighting that zipped right down his spine and into his cock. He was shamelessly checking you out, Maria be damned. He watched as you turned and talked to some of the other girls you were up against and they all congratulated you for a great run. 

You finally turn and look his way, your breath catching and he feels a smile form on his face, heart melting at the way you say his name, despite saying it tentatively. 

“Hey.. Rhett.” 

let me know if you want to be added to my rhett abbott taglist or if you would like to be tagged in all of my fics!

[mihai-florescu]

Not sure who battler it's probably a mahoyaku person but to my Enstars exclusive educated brain battler just sounds like the third part of the godfather trinity. You could tell me the himeru story revealed a guy called battler and I'd be on board. Godfather, Priest and Battler and with their powers combined they can...idk be the idol mafia or something. The aristocracy the clerus and the common man. Gatekeeper also exists but I don't count him in their leagues gatekeeper is like the pearl to godfathers rose quartz I think (I have never even touched Steven universe beyond one video essay five years ago and some memes I have no idea if that actually adds up)

GATEKEEPER IS THE PEARL TO GODFATHER'S ROSE QUARTZ........... do you think godfather reincarnated into ibara like rose quartz into steven....

Anyway battler is from umineko! He's kinda like himeru (ran away when his dad remarried after his mom's death) and currently stuck in an eternal torturous game of wits murder mystery with a witch. Im just on episode 2 but the spoilers ive heard... i dont even know how we'll get there. Oh right! Idk if u saw my posts a few weeks ago but akira definitely played umineko. There was a random discussion in an earlier chapter that was just like wataru's monologue about girls vs guys at puberty in Rocket Start. And Raison d'etre as a whole is sooo much like umineko. Eccentric grandparent's fortune, the fear that an illegitimate child came to take the inheritance away, the blonde woman from the past... which in peepaw's case was them in their youth rather than a witch, but still. Etcetc im too tired but im sure there was more im forgetting now. Id like to go over that story again after finishing umineko, im sure it'll feel insightful to do so.

[robiinurheart33]

Thanks for the tag @sergeantwoods !! I went a little crazy on the questions lols,,,

1. how many works?

Honestly no idea lmao (if ur talking on ao3, I don’t have an account there, but I’ve been thinking about it.) (14 wips atm)

2. Total word count?

Again, no idea LOL! My actual works have been around 1K ish per post? So id say in total maybee 10k?

3. what fandoms do you write for?

Currently, COD. I wanna expand more soon though, so stay tuned in the far, far future

4. top 5 fics by kudos?

I’m gonna list down my fav fics of all time (multi fandom) if im reading this correctly

1. Anything by buzzcut_season really. Their writing is spectacular and made my heart clench on so many occasions. My personal GOD of writing fluff. And the person that got me through the hells of teenage puberty.(for the record, i am still in puberty lmfao) my firsts in the tag tooth-rotting fluff and the magics of slow burn. (Sk8 the Infinity)

2. Neon Void by sugarpastels. The creator is here on Tumblr with the same user so if you wanna check her out go ahead!! FANTASTIC writing, villain Leo au with heart pounding scenes that leave me dizzy. A fic has never made me breathless and needing to pace around my room more than this one (special shoutout to her sister as well who is writing a mutant mayhem fic that unfortunately didn’t get added to the list but is still super well written!!) (ROTTMNT)

3. Anytime You Need Me by thirteenbullets. I really don’t need to elaborate more. Character analysis + fluff + non sexual intimacy + long fics… it’s the perfect series for me. I felt like a stuck gold when i read this. (COD)

4. The Eldest Brother by dEBB987. Classic 2012 x 2018 crossover, but it doesn’t have ooc and is just such. A. Fun. Read. Made me giggle and kick my legs more than one occasion and good family feels all around. (TMNT)

5. Mutant Ninja Midlife Crisis by a_platypus. Old Leo comes back to the past after the events of the movie to readjust to new life. The right amount of drama with the perfect amount of slice of life. This fic actually gives the old turtle a break but also not letting go of the teenage angst and everything that comes with seeing your dead friends young and alive again. Would have been higher on the list but it’s not completed sadly. The author does write for COD as well though, and it’s worth to check it out! (ROTTMNT)

5. do you respond to comments?

Yes!!! I love love love it when people comment and try to interact if possible.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably the panic attack Ghost fic. Haven’t written much angst if im remembering correctly. I’m a major fluff person

7. fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh god i really haven’t written a proper fic at all helps. I’m frantically swiping through my robs ramblings tag and just realising most of the ghoap stuff i write is about their undying dedication to each other. Jesus. Happiest ending is probably one of my blurbs cause every time i try to write actual fluff i overheat and explode.

8. do you get hate on fics?

Nope

9. do you write smut?

Nah. I don’t think ill ever write smut honestly not because im asexual its just that I don’t think I can write one accurately if that makes sense. Also im a minor I don’t think im allowed to do that

10. craziest crossover?

None yet

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Thankfully not, but if i have i would take it as a sign that I’ve made it as a writer. Unless it’s more popular than the actual post in that case burn it with fire.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

Unfortunately and fortunately no. I would LOVE to collaborate, don’t get me wrong. But i would get so anxious about not disappointing the other person or procrastinating and motivation and all the works and just. Yeah I don’t have the mental capacity for that rn.

14. all time favourite ship?

Ooooooh

ghoap, renga, ineffable husbands, solangelo (Off the top of my head rn)

15. what’s a wip that you want to finish but doubt you will?

THE SECOND PART TO DRUNK SOAP. OH MY GOD I NEED TO GET IT DONE ITS BEEN 2 MONTHS

16. what are your writing strengths?

I would say making everything just too dramatic and emotional

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Dialogue. I can barely talk irl how am i supposed to write witty banter

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Love it. As a bilingual myself i love seeing diff languages it’s like a bonus secret for that language user

19. first fandom you wrote in?

Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles. That was when i was in my “i think this is so cringy of me and i hold myself back because of it” because wow. I reread some of it recently and it’s horrible it will stay and rot in my notes app. Although i will say it’s so nice to see how far I’ve come in terms of writing and just posting publicly in general

20. favourite fic you’ve written?

The drunk soap one and the Ghoap one where they’re on stakeout together. I didn’t like the second one initially, but i think slaving over it worked. I love how I managed to balance the quietness and mutual respect and fondness of each other.

If you couldn’t tell, i had a lot of fun answering these questions haha

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations!! You know more about me than the average online follower 👏👏👏

[crowmance]

dear a younger me

*assuming younger is like 12 right before my egg cracked

hi! I know i probably look a little different than you thought! didn't expect a girl in a dress, did you?

I know school is hard right now. Your best friend, who you've known as long as you can remember, just left for a different school, and you don't know how to be social without him, or even if you'll ever see him again (don't worry, you will!). You're stuck in an unfamiliar place, pulled out of your small neighborhood elementary school and stuck in a massive middle school with a class of hundreds, when you were used to a class of 30. You're being placed into phys ed classes for the first time in your life, and becoming more aware of your body, and the bodies of the people around you. The societal expectations of being a pre-teen boy, suddenly robbed of the person you considered your shield, and who dragged you through school with him, and who taught you that maybe it was ok to not be normal for the first time, are crushing. (he went to a different school for the last 2 years? my memory is spotty im not sure, of elementary school)

You're looking around at the others in your class, the other boys you want so desperately to fit in with. But no matter how hard you push yourself, everything just seems... off, especially when it comes to the gym classes you were forced into, where you watch the other boys change into their workout clothes. You're a "gifted" student, placed suddenly in a massive public middle school, and you've just learned what gifted means to the public school system and applied for a school especially for gifted students, so surely that's all. Until, finally, at the end of your first quarter in that school, you manage to transfer to the magnet school, where you finally are able to go to school with him again - and are put back into an environment where you can actually feel safe again. But still, even having retreated behind the friends you had and the new friends you're making, and back in a small, tight knit environment that can cater to your "giftedness" (or your ADHD, as you'd come to know), something still feels off, and still nags at you every day of your life. All things may come and go, and some of the people you meet will become fixtures or more than that even all these years later.

A little while after finally transferring to the school, you'll start talking with some others more on the periphery of your friend group, and you'll learn about Dragon, a non-binary person in your grade. They'll be your first exposure to the idea of changing the body you're in to be something else, and, after quite a lot more struggling than I can fit in a letter, you'll come to realize why you could never seem to be comfortable ever since you learned what the difference between a boy and a girl was according to the traditional society you were raised in. Surprise, you aren't a young boy, but rather a beautiful young woman, trapped behind societal expectations. And once you realize that, you'll finally be able to feel, perhaps not at peace, but on the road there. It'll be a while until you can finally start exploring who you really are, but having that seed of truth within you gives you the confidence to start seeking her out.

Of course, like many of the best things in life, this won't come easily. You'll have to face your parents lack of support, and having no healthy way to navigate your rapidly declining mental health, since you don't have health insurance - not that you even know what that is at this point in your life. You'll face your own deep set homophobia from your elementary school days, since you didn't know what a gay or a queer person was except when it was used to bully others - and yourself - by your peers. You'll have to navigate the hell of going through a puberty you don't want, and watching your body become something you'll learn to hate, without having any way around it.

Eventually you'll move into high school, and there you'll finally be granted the freedom and the safety to start to truly exploring yourself. Oh, there will be setbacks, and it'll be absolutely terrifying, but that seed of truth within yourself will finally be able to start to grow. The first day you wear a skirt to school is absolutely horrifying - what will everyone think? - but eventually you start throwing together outfits you like, and building confidence in yourself. You'll even get the occasional compliment on your outfit from people you went to middle school with, and break down crying from joy at it more than once. Oh, and not to mention the first time you use a women's restroom instead of a men's, the absolute terror of making someone uncomfortable in a space like that, which was actually not an issue after wrangling with it for years on end. Your parents will show flickers of support, and your mom will even take you to get some of your first feminine clothes, but they'll never truly catch on. There's plenty of fights and fear, and you'll not be able to start hormones until you turn 18, and the wait is crippling, but you'll get there. Strong, beautiful Iris, through hell and back, you'll get there.

Of course we have our own struggles to this day. I'm only just now learning to cope with the trauma I realized I felt through all of that, and the distance it's created with mom and dad, and oh, we have our fair share of medical issues. But you have so many new friends, who you've learned to love so deeply, and even a partner - or two. You get to help other trans people through their own journeys, and seeing the joy on their faces makes it all worth it sometimes. Some days it feels hopeless, but I remember how much you went through for me to be able to be free today. And what a beautiful freedom it truly is.

Remember how strong and beautiful you are,

Iris

[quenthel]

So far I think my favorite Mitski album is Laurel Hell bc its like... very upbeat melodies with very sad lyrics... and there is so many songs abt being desperate. Then Bury me at Makeout Creek bc I just love the general vibes of the songs. Be the Cowboy is I think thee classic Mitski album everyone knows so yk its good (my favorite song from her is on there) but like compared to Laurel Hell its not AS good but still im very nostalgic for it bc i remember clearly when it got released I was playing Battle for Azeroth AND painting my room green. Puberty 2 has some hits (Happy stuck w me a lot) but together with Retired from Sad New Career in Business and Lush its ina bit of a meh territory for me (but then every now and again I just get obsessed w specific songs from those albums). The Land is Inhospitable and so are we to me is like... very hit and miss. but overall the album is more chill than Laurel Hell.

Like w Laurel Hell i just get this vibe of dancing around in the room while crying AND laughing bc of how ridiculous it is.. Land is Inhospitable is more like sipping whiskey and slow dancing with somebody but they are not there yk

[happygofatal]

HAI thank you to @cutemotif mira for tagging me :3 i dont wanna bother too many ppl so !! @yuricel @bananahkim no pressure ofc :D

relationship status: single! uh well i cant really imagine being in a relationship rn. i just dont think i could find anyone i could befriend and become interested and i have weird queer teenager feelings abt my orientation AND i just dont think im ready for it luh mao :P

favorite color: PINK ^__^ im not insane abt it sorry but it is soooooo <3

song stuck in my head: I Bet on Losing Dogs Released in 2016 by Mitski from the album Puberty 2 :I COMBUST AND DIE HORRIBLY. oh yeah and also i was thinking abt once in a lifetime by talking heads earlier :D

last song i listened to: alice in the ruined country !! didnt finish it yet tho but yeah ive been trying to get into voca lately :]

3 favorite foods: sighs uhhh im so sorry im so boring i like fries and hashbrowns and chicken. and pizza. shrugs i could say more abt other stuff but eh whatevs and I Hate Weird Adhd Picky Eating </3

last thing i googled: ACTUALLY? IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING THIS POST I GOOGLED SEVERAL THINGS TO CONFIRM STUFF LIKE THE ADHD PICKY EATING AND WHATEVER AJSGHSIQIS so aside from that i googled the term cinderellian to see if it was a real word i heard in a song? i dont think it is?

dream trip: oh ive thought abt this a few times previously and honestly? i still dont have an answer mmmhh well it would probably be so fucking boring and noob anime fan of me to say japan or korea KQOJSJAKQ so uh? idk ill have to think abt it some more ..

anything i want rn: if its a physical object, WELL I WOULD REALLY LIKE A NEW IPAD I THINK THIS FUCKING THING IM CURRENTLY USING HAS RUN ITS COURSE ^_^ BUT ALSO I NEEEEDD OH MY GOD I NEED TO FIND A WAY TO EXPORT ALL MY DATA FROM HERE TO THERE W/O EXPORTING MY PHOTOS BCUZ THEY HAVE just absolutely murdered all my goddamn space for no fucking reason. i love samsung products so much if procreate was on samsung tablets i would buy the shit out of one and fuck off from apple products forever until the end of time :[

[mottemotte]

Surveys I Stole!!!!!!!

mostly stolen from lyric mwa mwa

tag yourself: what ice cream flavor are you?

made by lady glamcat ⚜️ 

chocolate

() your name begins with c. 

(x) you have a serious sweet tooth.  

() you’re a night owl.  

() you like mystery/thriller movies.  

(x) you have brown eyes. 

() your hobbies include music or art.  

total: 2/6 

vanilla 

() you enjoy taking baths. 

(x) you read romance novels.  

(x) you have stuffed animals.  

(x) you don’t like drama.  

(x) you think you’re boring.  

(x) your bed sheets are white.  

total: 5/6 

neapolitan  

(x) you’re terrible at making decisions.  

(x) you love pop or emo music.  

() you’re wearing three different colors.  

() your favorite number is 3 or contains a 3. 

() you played a sport in school.

() you mix soda flavors together.  

total: 2/6 

 mint chocolate chip 

(x) green is your favorite color.  

() you have an unusual pet. 

(x) you want an electric car.  

(x) you often spend time outside.  

(x) you brush your teeth 3 times a day.  

(x) you enjoy cooking.  

 total: 5/6 

rocky road 

(x) you love rock music.  

() you workout often.  

() you watch reality shows.  

() you collect rocks.  

(x) you’re kind of messy.  

(x) you like vintage things.  

total: 3/6 

result[s]: THE FACT THAT MINT AND VANILLA ARE MY FAVOURITE FLAVORS TOO. ICONIQUE

also im so torn. do ice baths count for vanilla? and what is an unusual pet. ive had turtles, birds, chinchillas, miniature horses, a near-immortal goldfish, hamsters. also tried to keep a bell cricket once but mom said no

random questions survey

made by jody marie ✿

what is your current ringtone?: if i knew how to set my own, itd be everywhere by fleetwood mac, or the intro of kids by mgmt, but alas im fucking stupid so its the generic "retro love" one my phone came with

what is your zodiac sign?: ur gonna have to try harder than that to get my birthday scrub

what are your preferred pizza toppings?: none :,) im like cheese

are you currently single, in a relationship, or married?: LOL ME? MARRIED? im single never dated. i shoot myself in the foot like its a party trick

do you have any pets? if so, how many? (you can include names if you want): 10+ i cant fucking count!!!!

what is your favorite season?: everytime a new season comes i fall in love with it. ah. the beauty of the spring. and the beauty of the coming summer. could you imagine if we were stuck in one forever. h e l l 

how tall are you?: short, but i think im not short enough to be made fun of anymore? i had a mini growth spurt (SOMEHOW?? SO MANY YEARS LATER???? I HIT PUBERTY IN 4TH GRADE) and i learned how to walk in heels nya

what color are your eyes?: guess i kinda outed myself in the last one huh

if you eat salads, what is your preferred salad dressing?: R A N C H but one time i had this rasberry thing that was good but R A N C H

are you a morning person or night owl?: morning dove 🕊️  (i thought that they were morning doves and not mourning doves bc i always saw them when it was just me awake in the morning!!! :,) dude i was so cute)

do you have any tattoos? if so, how many? (you can include what they are of if you want): no and i think if i ever did it would go horribly bc 1. committment issues 2. i have skin issues. 

do you have any piercings? if so, how many? (you can include what kind if you want): can you believe i used to be a pussy about pain!!!! i had my ears pierced as an infant (my bio family had a single visit with me and said fuck it, stab her) and i never wanted to get them pierced again UNTIL NOW and i have no idea where to get them done woooooooo

have you ever broken any bones? if so, what did you break?: never bitch!!!!!!

have you ever had any surgeries? if so, what kind?: ive had idek how many dental surgeries. yes im insecure about my teeth (I LITERALLY SAID I BRUSH 3X A DAY I WASNT JOKING)

do you play video games?: DUH i played the classics like loz and pokemon as a kid, nowadays... still loz (i got that limited edition tri-force 3ds when it came out!!!) and hades but mostly sky. i dont have as much time to play anymore :,)

what is the last thing you had to eat?: leftover pizza woooooo.........................

what is the last thing you had to drink?: ORANGE JUICE

what is the last tv show you watched?: intentionally? no idea. against my will? whatever fbi show my parents watch non-stop.

what is the last movie you watched?: i think the breakfast club? it was a while ago...

what is the last song you listened to?: Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

have you ever had braces?: dude my dentists can never agree - i had a retainer/spacer thing for a while, then new dentist said nonono u need braces, then new dentist said nonono u need this removed asap, now my new-new dentist says if i dont want braces at my age he understands but he recommends braces. CAN YALL JUST-

have you ever dyed your hair?: i have virign hair. 10000% untouched. never trimmed, never dyed, never permed or anything but im thinking abt a perm.... just maybe. but if youve ever seen a photo of a victorian woman w her hair down. my hair is genuinely that texture/appearance, just shorter (still long but not on the floor alas)

have you ever rode in an ambulance?: yes, i actually wanted to be a paramedic for a while and i did a ride-along and my car-sickness said FUCK NO (i almost threw up on so many old people you cant imagine)

chinese, mexican, or italian food? (pick one): ITALIAN ITALIAN ITALIAN ITALIAN ITALIAN ITALIAN

what are your plans for tonight?: im thinking abt watching league of their own? or but im a cheerleader. not sure

what are your plans for this weekend?: fuck-all (actually maybe cleaning. but. e w)

why did your last relationship end?: never dated lol. but part of the reason ive never dated is i live in the middle of nowhere, which u think means slim pickings, but what it really means is every time i see someone whos hot i think ayyyyy and then they talk to me and i find out they wear tinfoil hats in their spare time. (this is why my friendships end. yes i think finding out someone is diet racist is an ok reason to drop them)

have you ever been to any concerts?: i actually dont get the appeal of concerts at all? i hate people who sing over the music. like shut the hell up i didnt pay to hear you!!!!!!

what is the last thing you spent money on?: ice cream for my mom :)

[surpriserose]

Okay I don't know anything about me or it's lore but how would a JoJo ME au go

Oh my god terrible <3 you cant trust joseph with a plane hows he gonna do on a fucking spaceship??????

I honestly have no idea how to translate anything from jojos into mass effect like GXGSHZJSJSJS

Like if i had to assign jojo characters to swap with me characters........hmmm okay suspend your disbelief if i start going through these and some of the jojos are human and some arent im thinking personality wise ztdvdisbsisn

Shepard idk shepard is the main character i think theyre still exactly the same theyre just some guy who does everyones space laundry

Kaidan is Jonathan they both get cast as bland good guys when theyre so much more >:( also idk biotics can make an okay parallel for hamon

Ashley is like fucking? Maybe hermes fits the most? Like ash is kind of a badass and shes funny and a little blunt yeah wait hermes ashley omg 🥺

Garrus is abbacchio sorry hes an ex cop not satisfied with how much he was able to get done on the job and hes kind of a jackass (affectionate) also this makes abbacchio a spikey alien man sorry hes a turian now

Tali is.....foo fighters? Like tali is a quarian theyre stuck in suits because of their immune systems and thats kind of like hijacking someones body??? Also tali is very sweet and new to the world outside of her society and also kills ppl with a shotgun thats ff adjacent :)

Wrex is....god wrex is so complicated its hard to assign someone to swap him with? Like hes given up and only lives for his next job except not really he cares so much about his people the krogan and hes funny and gruff and an old man and your bestie and he lives to fight and hes a leader and a giant lizard dude LIKE!!! HOW DO I EVEN ASSIGN THAT??? Fucking??? Bucciarati??? I mean he kind of gave up until he met giorno??? Thats like??? Close????

Liara is fucking...mikitaka??? Like shes a nice alien whos a genius who hasnt interacted with people much and doesnt understand social cues well until part 3? Like idk thats the closest i can get? Also idk she thinks ahead and just really wants to help and thats kind of like mikitaka in the superfly fight?

Okay that's me 1 done......me2 has so many ppl tho...garrus and tali are back so thats 2 i can ignore....

Miranda is well shes got lots of issues but her main one is perfection like shes supposed to be perfect and shes cracking under the pressure and she has a shitty dad? Like i feel like that can kind of fit Trish plus miranda is so mean for awhile but its kind of a defense mechanism just like trish?

Jacob is just kind of nice dude trying to find out where he needs to be you know? And because of that everyone hates him ignores him and thinks hes boring when idk hes just a dude (affectionate) He also has a shitty dad so like....giorno? Like jacob also joins a shitty organization so ftwhvdisvsiq the biggest difference is that jacob is so much more of a follower than a leader for so long vzisdbsk

Mordin is a mad scientist and a weird amphibious fish lizard man? Idk look up the salarians i think you would love them and especially mordin <3 idk mordin is also a character thats sooooo complex its hard to even talk about him because i just go 🥺🥺🥺 and the closest youre getting in jojo is probably like? Idk why fugo comes to mind? Like mordin doesnt have anger issues but hes definitely really rude!!! Also hes smart as shit but caring and unable to relax and hes atoning for shit omg fugocore......

Grunt is grunt like hes a krogan he loves violence hes like two weeks old and going through puberty shepard is his mom hes so fun and excitable??? I love him??? I mean...narancia??? Like narancia is so violent when he wants to be and he acts really young but like idk? Grunts hard to assign hes just kind of his own dude <3

Jack oh fuck jack my beloved oughhh shes human shes an infamous criminal she has to be a huge bitch because she cant let herself get close to people shes got a tragic backstory and she loves violence and crimes and women like idk again it doesnt really fit anyone? I mean if you want the biotics to hamon parallel because biotics are just space magic.....lisa lisa? Shes no where NEAR as violent and bitchy as jack but lisa lisa has been on the run for most of her life and shes really outwardly cold but ough lisa lisa probably fits samara better??? Okay im swapping the milfs around jack is now caato Higashikata from part 8 who literally murdered someone and is so unrepentant and bitchy i love her but also shes caring but not outwardly and oughhhhh caato <3

Zaeed idk zaeed is grandpa war crimes hes a mercenary hes just kind of a guy who loves hearing himself talk so...will zeppeli??????? Idk zeppeli is old and kind of an asshole and neither he or zaeed get much screentime yzywvziwsjqksbfje

Kasumi is a master thief whos mostly sarcastic and shes missing her dead partner and honestly i love her so much shes very sweet and funny?? Hmm i..im...po...polnareff??????? Im?? Im just gonna leave that there i guess im sorry kasumi

Samara is an asari justicar think of them as like extremely lawful good paladins so shes lisa lisa since they are both milfs who are super estranged from their kids in service to a higher goal and also theyre kind of stand offish at first also lisa lisa is canonically catholic boom religion

Legion is a geth theyre a robot dude??? Theyre like 1000 progams in one robot body which is why theyre called legion so uh that doesnt really fit...anyone??????? Uhhh???? Legion gets to stay legion they and shepard are watching these swaps like 😥🔦 (geth have flashlight heads)

Thane is ougghhh thane my beloved hes a drell hes a lizard man hes a dilf hes got so many issues hes an assassin hes catholic hes a boytoy hes got a medical boob window hes oughhhhh my bestie i think hes got to be like one of the two good jojo dads? And even then that doesnt fit because thane was an absent father but i think he gets to be jobin from part 8 who is trying to make things better for his son but fucking EVERYTHING UP also he likes beetles and thane probably eats beetles

OUGHHHH OKAY ME3 GARRUS LIARA KAIDAN ASHLEY AND TALI ARE BACK SO IM SAVED A BIT AGAIN

James is a young guy whos kind of aimless which is why he joined the military and thinks thats really all hes good for and really looks up to shepard <3 idk like i guess okuyasu is kind of coming to mind in that james doesnt always think things through and looks to shepard for answers a lot plus idk James is very sweet and friendly and a bit of a macho dude which is a lot like okuyasu idk :)

Edi is a sexy robot lady 😔 her personality is shes a sexy robot lady idk what to tell you she can join shepard and legion in the pile so 😥🔦🤦‍♀️

Javik is jotaro no one fucking argue with me on this javik is such an asshole hes so blunt i love him hes failed everything ever and hes so pissed about it but hes my bestie <3

[ketchup-monthly]

Sanders Sides D&D 2

Ooh fresh take: Jan is virge’s patron and that’s why there’s beef

Also: Jan is some sort of fae related being

Jan: i need you to do something for me Virgil: no Janus: that's not how this works!! Virgil: watch me :P

Okay so I was thinking of Patton as a cleric cuz ooh healer however, Patton as a Druid makes me so happy

I want logan to have Rage

(Also that could tie nicely in an arc about Logan learning to accept feelings)

but barbarian logan is going to be a scholar again and is gonna be smort

bc hes logan. he cant be not smart

Oh I figured he’d be the bbeg that eventually joins the party (hurt/comfort baybee!)(Remus)

he was the bbeg but then joined the party as a bardbarian or just a bard

plus, actual bard who accidentally casts vicious mockery instead of bardic inspiration

Side note: please include a scene where Remus attempts to seduce the dragon

also with this second au, i can start them at like level 5 so people can multiclass

Pat as cleric/druid

gasp logan as artificer/barbarian

janus sorcerer/rogue

because basically everything but alchemist would work well with barbarian, but alchemist feels very Logan

bc mad scientist being actually mad

alchemist logan making an experimental potion and going "here im not sure what this does but im sure its fine! someone drink it"

Remus does it voluntarily, but Logan usually tries to get Roman to drink it

Virgil will occasionally drink it when he's on his last legs and is just like.....100% done with the party

remus as a wild magic path barbarian and just fucking teleporting or doing something equally ridiculous whenever he rages

Oh my god Remus with rage would be a force to be reckoned with

You gotta describe the first time he goes into a rage really dramatically

obviously virgil is trying to "escape" his patron, Janus (really just do whatever he says to not do out of spite)

Eldritch knight roman

Feywild warlock virgil

hey so in the second d&d au, should roman and remus be actual full siblings but like remus went darkside and like romans just trying to get back at him for putting a dark stain on the family name

hey hey hey what about warforged Logan? (essentially a robot)(so like "i dont feel anything" becoming real)

okay hear me out. elf roman and elf base simic hybrid remus. so like maybe the reason remus went darkside was experimentation? so like. hes elf but special

FALLEN AASIMAR VIRGIL

virgil just transforming in the middle of a combat scenario and like his eyes turn into black pits and flightless skeletal wings appear on his back and like everyone near him has to make a charisma check and like he deals extra necrotic damage

Pat is the one human stuck in a band of misfits

so with it, roman would be a full elf, and remus would be an elf that has tentacles bc octopus

So robot logan

i meant literally he doesnt feel anything

like he has all the emotions, but he doesnt physically feel the need to like eat or sleep or stuff like that

he just.....he pretend he don't have the feelings.....but he do.....he feel so much and he hides it all in his littol mechanical heart <3

plus......if he warforged, then like.....AC huge

he stands in front of friends.....he protecc...."no, i don't have feelings, i am physically incapable of affection" but he do!! he do! he take hits for them because he do!! he care so much

Bro he spouts all this and then he uses a reaction to dive in front of someone and everyone’s just like oh

LIKE ROMAN STILL BEING MEAN TO LO BC HE THINKS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE A HEART BUT HE DOES

hey hey everyone needs to grow

and logan standing up for himself and other people stepping in and saying no stop thats not right

plus if canon wont give me roman facing the consequences of his actions towards Logan......

but also Roman learning how to properly handle his own emotions and how he interacts with others

logan who doesn't view himself as anything more than a machine to be useful to others

the party giving logan love and affection until he slowly learns his own worth as a person

Roman and Logan not getting along (maybe Roman has a Lore reason to distrust Warforged, maybe not) and slowly learning to trust each other

when Logan is feeling real down or having some issue, Roman actually comes through to help him, showing how far both characters have come

Okay yes but also can we please give Roman more confidence than canon? Like I’m sooooo sick of low self esteem being played for laughs or just being really really sad

this boy is going on a mission and will slap his brother upside the head and tell him to shut tf up remus youre not a monster just come back home and he will do it alone if need be

OKAY SO WHAT IF HE ORIGINALLY WENT ON THE QUEST JUST TO STOP REMUS ONCE AND FOR ALL BC ROMAN THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER, BUT ALONG THE WAY, AND AFTER LOGAN, HE CAME TO REALIZE THAT NO, JUST BECAUSE REMUS (AND LOGAN) ARE DIFFERENT, THEY ARENT MONSTERS, JUST DIFFERENT

AND LIKE IN THE FINAL PUSH TO MAKE REMUS JOIN BACK WITH HIS BROTHER, ROMAN IS PROJECTING HIS OWN FEELINGS ONTO REMUS AND EVERYONE IS LIKE WOW BRO YOU GOOD THERE, BUT ITS A BIG MOMENT FOR LOGAN, ROMAN, AND REMUS

im unsure as to how, but it happened when he was an older teen/young adult. a simic scientist either picked him (read: kidnapped), or remus volunteered (potentially to escape court life, unaware what exactly the experiment was going to do to him physically

bc also, remus and roman are royalty

so like. how best to get at the nobes/royalty/rich famous people than by turning their kid into a monster

wait, wait, wait, because i'm lowkey a sucker for this trope, but i'm not sure if it fits Remus: the experiments left him with some fairly significant physical pain/uncontrolled magical reactions. through some combo of trying to deal with that and trying find a cure for his pain, he keeps like....absolutely wrecking random towns on accident but also deliberately wrecking certain places looking for either a) vengeance on the guy(s) responsible or b) someone who can make the pain stop

SO LIKE. WILD MAGIC BARBARIAN DOING WEIRD SHIT TO HIM WHENEVER HE RAGES

AND LOGAN COULD MAYBE HELP WITH THE PAIN AND SHIT

BC ALCHEMY

Yknow, for simplification purposes, we could say the True Bbeg just gave Remus lycanthropy and Remus hasn’t managed to control it yet

lycanthropy but simic shit?

Mr. I-Don't-Have-Feelings sees the poor dude in pain and also Roman in emotional pain from seeing his brother in pain and is absolutely like "i must resolve this like right now, immediately" because he definitely doesn't hate seeing his friend suffering, or his friend's brother whom he's just met

he definitely doesn't relate at all to the idea of someone else shaping your body and absolutely does not sympathize with Remus's plight

i was thinking the grappling thing and either manta glide or the ability to breathe underwater for the simic stuff, but like he doesnt have control over the tentacles yet?

Manta glide seems like we could have fun battle scenes

he just jumps off a cliff to avoid mushy talk/dealing with his actions/roman

Roman: Remus just because you're a monster and though i wish i was an only child-- Remus, jumping off a cliff: byyeeeeee Patton: Roman, look what you did! Virgil: dammit jan what did you do? Janus: why do you think i had anything to do with that? im a fae, not a genie Logan, thinking: what an asshole. i wish i could do that

oh my god Logan always being tired mentally bc he cant sleep

Oh my gosh I love that. So Remus got kidnapped super young, (from royal family) they never found him, as a result Roman had to grow up super fast (side effect: lowkey inconsiderate and forgets to ask for others input). Meanwhile, Remus was experimented on by True Bbeg and came out with some trauma and super cool additives

yep! chronic pain and ptsd and all sorts of other shit!

so like, simic hybrids are usually created when they're adults. but what if the true bbeg decided to go younger to see what would happen, and thats why remus has chronic pain and stuff

he was still growing when his genes were spliced, so hes dealing with growth plates shifting and his body maturing and puberty and body changes and stuff

Pat is going to have a lighthearted story. Im saying that now. Hes the one without all the baggage

Sure, but his parents have to lowkey be the really kind people who are surprisingly always down for violence

everyone: multiple crises Pat: y'all need help Pat: love and affection in spades for his little band of misfits

Patton (which I think would be pretty simple, honestly he might just see danger and jump in and suddenly everyone in the party has Feelings)

Logan

Mhm. So how did he grow up? Was he just poof created? Wait

What if he was created by the king?

To make up for remuss disappearance

wait, wait....angst......he was created to fight (hence the barbarian stuff) but alchemy is his real passion

wait so like. a second son???

hes there to replace remus?

Yea! (But like in a sympathetic grief way) But that causes a bit of a complex in Roman and ergo Roman and Logan have a bit of a beef

okay so like. hes there to be a companion for roman, and like take remus' place, even though hes not actually in line for the throne?

LOGAN AS A KNIGHT

and just......the conflict of being created for a specific purpose (plus being, you know, robot and technically incapable of deviated from said purpose) vs the fact that he actually does have independent consciousness and like....wants to live life for himself

the parents made Logan a barbarian in hopes that him and Roman would be safe

okay. so logan was created by the king with the sole purpose to take remus' place as romans brother/companion, and to be his like guard? protector? and fight, but logan wants to be an alchemist and study shit

wait, wait, wait.....thinks about Asimov's Laws

he.....his first operative is protect (specifically protect Roman)

oh man. so hes literally just a shield

his second level operative is just like.....care for Roman's emotional well-being, but he doesn't really know emotions because he was kinda just spawned and nobody told him how

and he just....kind of....lets Roman treat him like garbage and take all his grief out on him because he's staunchly in denial of both having feelings or knowing how they work

Anyway Yea so Logan created by royal family in place of Remus which created angst between the two “brothers” and identity issues in Logan. Their arcs are learning how to healthily process emotions plus Roman apology and Logan commits to alchemy

So big question: why did virge make a deal?

Tricked

he gave janus his name

and instead of janus like killing him or whatever the fae do to people who break the rules of dealing with the fae, jan was like. hey. i'll give you magic, but do what i say

Janus is lawful neutral, but leans towards being selfish

hes self serving, but he has a strong set of morals and rules he follows

Tho I want to Virgil to also not be pushover so let’s say loophole happened and Jan has to stay with virge (hence why Jan is a part of the party)

okay so a couple of the rules are dont give a fae your true name and don't try to figure out their true name

So

what if virgil accidentally gave up part of his true name, and got stuck in the deal, but then figured out janus' true name

so in the same vein that janus had control over virgil, virgil now has more control over janus

he still gets his magic from janus, so he cant break free completely, but virgil has more freedom and can occasionally tell janus what to do or when to shove it

there should a running gag where virge can explain how he learned Jan’s true name but Jan can make something loudly censor him every time

(he learned his name bc once he heard janus practicing his evil genius voice and talking to himself in the mirror and janus said his true name)

so maybe janus sent virgil on the quest to protect a town or stop something related to remus, but virgil dragged him along

he might just be trying to protect a town thats close to a ley line, or something fae-related, and they just happen upon the whole thing

janus is selfish. but lawful vs chaotic is where he comes through, in morals vs doing whatever. janus has a strong set of loyalties to the fae, and to himself

so like....Remus is just too close to Jan's stuff and he wants to take him down

Virgil is just like....exhausted and said "fine, but if i gotta do this, you're coming, too"

or at least figure out a way to protect his place, even if it doesnt mean fully taking out remus. just moving him would work for jan

Janus: virgilllllllllll hes going to mess up my magic storage locker Virgil: Jan, its empty Janus: but its mine

Yea. Remus attacks a city away from the fae: Jan: Yknow I’m gonna sit this one out Virge: oh no you don’t, get up

Or

Janus vs Janice

so his real name is Janus, but Virgil calls him Janice

Virgil: This is Janice Janice: with a “U-S” Virgil: mhm, sure Jan

I'm a big fan of just like any of the old theory name being various aliases for Jan

Damien, Dante, Ethan, Declan, etc, etc

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

Kat Watches Mighty Med

27 seconds in and they’ve already made a poop joke. Wow.

ALSO THEY’RE BABIES?? THEYRE SO TINY???

Oh my god I forgot about the thing they did where they pretend to take a picture together. Do they not have cameras on their phones I’m so confused.

CLYDE AND WALLACE I REMEMBER THEM

Ahh token Violent Girl

She’s pretty tho 👀 and I like her style

Where do I know this chick from

Oh hey she’s Hazel from Dolphin Tale

“He won’t say a word” “Really, where are we gonna get a muzzle?” A MUZZLE YOU SAY?

“Fine, just keep him away from me” “Now we gotta get a leash, this is becoming a nightmare!” STOPPPP THINGS ARE BEGINNING TO MAKE SENSE ABOUT MYSELF

I’m sorry you’re telling me a cardboard cutout was heavy enough to trigger a nerf gun and a singular dart managed to knock a chandelier type item down?? I’m sorry no???

“You always do these crazy things and expect me to just follow you!” “Hold that thought, follow me” okay fine comedy

Also you’re telling me this superhero looked around to make sure nobody saw him go into the secret supply closet and didn’t notice the teenage boy standing in the middle of the room looking directly at him

THE SPECIAL EFFECTS WLDBEKE NOOO

Also how do I still have the entire theme song memorized. Send help.

“Maybe the extreme gravity pulled his heart from his chest down to his feet!” IM SORRY IS THAT HOW THIS WORKS NOW? I KNOW I PASSED BIOLOGY BY EXACTLY ONE POINT BUT THAT SEEMS A LIL INACCURATE

“What do you think they’re gonna do to us?”

“It says ‘now you die!’”

“Do you think they mean you or me?”

“Well it says ‘you’.” OKAY FINE THATS FUNNY

Wait how the hell did they manage to say the word “sexiest” on Disney channel

Cause the guy is holding a mug and he reads out what the mug says and word for word it’s “world’s sexiest chief of staff and vice chancellor of medical administration.” I’m still stuck on the ‘sexiest’ part how the hell did that end up on Disney channel

Sweatervest’s voice is insanely squeaky. Who wants to bet he hits puberty for season two.

“I’m gonna get a normo cage.” What’s with all the dehumanization in this show hot damn it hasn’t even been 10 minutes

Here it comes here comes the first mention of the bridge thing

“This. Is a picture of a bridge. I love bridges!” He’s so enthusiastic and for what. Was it a setup the entire time for Bridgette or did they name her that as an afterthought. Hmm.

THEY DO HAVE PHONES WHAT’S THE POINT OF THE FAKE PHOTO THING

Also bridge guy is officially a boomer. He mentioned the whole “you youngins are always on your phones” shit. Shut up I hate you now.

Hold the fuckity. So the Annihilator stole Skylar’s powers and invisible flying motorcycle. Okay cool. But he also stole her clothes? And left her standing there? IN HER UNDERWEAR? AND OLIVER PROCEEDS TO STARE INTO SPACE, THINKING ABOUT THIS MOMENT? HELLO??? I guess we know what he’ll be thinking about next time he ma— *dies*

Sorry but Gus (he’s the one that they discussed muzzling and leashing by the way) sniffing Jordan’s hair after coming up behind her all creepy-like (although it doesn’t seem to be being played in a creepo way, just a nuisance) is giving me major Doofus Drake vibes. Stop that.

“MY PARENTS GIVE ME MONEY INSTEAD OF ATTENTION” I FORGOT GUS WAS RICH AND NEGLECTED NOOO

Damn this man is straight up impaled through the chest

“We kind of have a prior commitment.” “I thought your commitment was to this hospital.” SIR THESE KIDS ARE LIKE 14 AND IN SCHOOL?????? LIKE ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL DAY?

Why are there literally 8 desks in this classroom. No class is that small I’m-

How does Disney channel think school works. Cause it’s not like this.

Why are the teen boys left alone in a surgery room with a dying superhero. They’re gonna fuck it up somehow.

DID YOU JUST PULL A STOPSIGN OUT OF A MAN’S CHEST WITH YOUR BARE HANDS? FIRST OFF THATS SO UNSANITARY AND SECONDLY SIR YOU ARE IN MASSIVE TROUBLE

Oh it’s a 2 parter pilot okay

Part 2 here we come

PART 2

“Have I ever let you down before?” “CONSTANTLY!” Lmao iconic

Okay but I’ve got to wonder. The entrance to the superhero hospital is in the regular person hospital. So like? Someone must notice these two boys coming in every day right??? Does no one question that?

Not Kaz using fanfic as a cover for why he’s talking about a superhero as if they’re real. Me too Kaz me too.

Also the twin brothers act like they’re gay for each other and I hate it

Alan is a little bitch send tweet. You’re basically making fun of someone who just became disabled (?). Sir what the fuck

Oh wow you saved her life because she was determined to see that she still had her super strength powers and almost got crushed. Give the man a medal.

Ooo best friend fight

They have photographic memory shit going on?? Damn

WHY WOULD YOU REACH INTO A HOLE IN SOMEONE’S CHEST WITHOUT GLOVES SIR YOU ARE IN A HOSPITAL

“That video has 56 likes!” Is that... an achievement?

IM CRYING WHY DID IT ZOOM IN ON HER FACE LIKE THAT WHEN SHE SAID HER CATCHPHRASE

But also “There’s a storm coming. Skylar Storm.” Has been living in my head rent free for years so thanks I guess.

This was like 2013 how does Paris Berelc still manage to pull off being a teenage girl for Alexa and Katie

KAZ IS SO BAD AT KEEPING MIGHTY MED A SECRET I STG

“It’s just the twins” wow who could have predicted the funny twin shop-owners were actually villains

———

And that’s all for me reacting to one of my favorite shows from my childhood. Wow that was an... ordeal.

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[mama-disco]

a letter to whom that may concern.

im writing this on tumblr because i know no one will see this but i just need a place to get this out

       you knew me as the crybaby in grade 5 because i was hitting puberty that year. i was emotionaly vulnerable and at a weak point in my live very early on and i didnt know how to hide my emotions like the rest of you. i became very self aware about my life, how i looked and dressed very early on and no one cared to understand so i went pretty much all that year without friends. i cried at the silliest things, i remember one time our teacher was handing out papers for work and i didnt get one and instead of just raising my hand to ask i just broke down and cried. i spent the rest of elementary school being made fun of and misjudged because of my emotions. a lot of stuff happened that year, i hit puberty, i had just changed schools and lost a lot of my old friends and found it extremely difficult to make new ones, and at the end of the year the teacher who understood my situation passed away. years went on and i found a group i clicked with but the mistreatment never went away from the others, i was called names and told i wouldnt amount to anything by others, and for a long time i thought it was because i was the only girl in the class with ADHD. as the time progressed my mental illness festered at the hands of others, in high school i had rumors spread about me by my old classmates to new ones and so i didnt make many friends while in high school either so i spent the rest of high school depressed and alone, i never went above and beyond in anything including the subjects i actually enjoyed so i was always an average 75 student in everything. i was forced to take essential level classes because my adhd made my teachers assume i was stupid and needed to be babied so whenever anyone did ask what classes i was taking i would feel embarrassed. i eventually had to stay and take a 5th year in high school because my depression got so bad that i just stopped showing up to my classes, i skipped out on most of my classes that year too but i graduated i felt so stupid and alone for a good 8 years in school and now im watching that group i clicked with grow up and go to school and do things they enjoy without me because of my life situation.

my mom is immune compromised from smoking for 40 years and so now instead of going to school, we are living below the poverty line, and can barely afford to live with only $1400 a month. i can’t work during this pandemic because if i get sick she will die and i will be homeless so i inevitably starve myself almost every day to make sure we save money and not waste any on groceries.

I wrote this because i want my past enemies to know of the hardships in my life that i faced then and still face to this day in hopes of you understanding why i hurt so much and you may either give sympathy or just feel bad for what you did in the past and how you judged me, personally i dont care anymore because no one will see this anyways and it’s all in the past now but i want you all to know how hard my life can be 90% of the time, so when you bullied what you thought was a weird, unintelligent girl who couldnt control her emotions was actually a 10 yr old who had to grow up to soon and be denied a future because of her current and most likely permanent life situation. 

often times i feel very alone because i think about how all my irl friends have familes, families that have both parents who arent split, a house, not a low income apartment and 3 meals a day with lots of food to spare. im jealous of all that and i know none of them will understand, i ask for no sympathy because it just makes me feel even more pathetic than how much i already am. living this live is extremely difficult and every time i hear one of my friends mention how much their life “sucks” i just want to go off on them because maybe theyre depressed about school and all that, and its still valid but it is nothing compared to the pain i feel every waking day and realizing i live like a pig. 

last year around christmas my mom was sent to the hospital for 2 weeks because she had a cO2 level of 104 and blood oxygen level of 75. when she came back thats when i really hit rock bottom. i’ve become even more depressed because i now have all the responsibilities of a 40yr old woman on my shoulders as well as being a life auxillary for my mother from now on. i can’t move out until my mother either dies or gets put into a home and whenever that happens i will have no money to get a place of my own because all th money i make now goes into taking care of her, groceries, bills, all that lovely stuff, so while i watch my friends go off to school and succeed in life i fall back into the pit that i’ve always been stuck in knowing i was born into this world just so i could wallow in a pit all my life. i’ve already done it for 20 years so why would it change? 

every day i hurt more and more, theres new weight put on my shoulders and i have no way of getting it off because i have no where to go. my friends arent really my friends anymore because i know they all drifed from me, and it hurts watching them stay friends but leave me behind and i often think i deserve it because i know im just better off alone, i dont want to involve anyone in my sob story because all they’ll say is “oh im so sorry to hear that” but go back to paying no mind, what is happening in my life is not of concern to anyone, not even my mother. 

sometimes i think i belong in a psych ward because i get these horrible thoughts in my head telling me to cut my losses and slit my throat. it’s gotten to the point where when i break down i separate from my body completely, i dont see or hear anything but when i come back i have burns on my hand from scratching myself trying to feel something. i know im sick in the head but you know what the sickest part of all is? not being able to get help because you have responsibilities and cant afford it.

i might have more to say another time but for now this is all.

[ninatastic]

@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah 

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

no

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c: 

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf  idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things 

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food 

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open 

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal 

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

[orlamccools]

I've been working a lot lately and doin a lot of reflection while working and i just wanna talk about some thoughts ive had feel free to scroll if you want and pls dont reblog

So when i was a sophomore in high school/15 yrs old i was pretty much at my lowest point. Like i was in the throes of puberty, i still wasnt coping well w my trauma and my depression and anxiety were at their worst, like i honestly spent most of that year in an almost dissociative daze? Like i physically was in class but mentally i was watching myself go through the actions and i felt disconnected from my body and from every body and it was just in general not a Good Time

But there was one encounter thats really stuck w me since that year and I've just been thinking about it a lot bc i honestly think it might have saved my life. So like for context i suck at chemistry and my teacher of that class also kinda sucked and he'd like leave the room and fuck around w his teacher pals while we were doing experiments so like when this happened it was just students in the class, and as you can expect a bunch of 15 yr olds left unsupervised like to mess around

My grade was already so bad enough that i didnt want to fuck around and i also didn't have any friends in that class so i was just doing the work we were assigned, and for the project we had to like heat beakers w some solution and then record some measurement every 2 minutes, and i was working w a group of three other people, two dudes mamed kyle and sam, and a girl named katie

Kyle katie and sam all had friends in the class so like i was 100% sure i was the only one paying attention to the experiment but when the timer buzzed i reached for the beaker and sam reached too and we like bumped hands? But mine was around the beaker so his hand wrapped around mine and like i looked up at him bc it was surprising and he looked me in the eye and he said, "yknow its all gonna be okay one day, right?" and kt was so startling because for one i felt Seen and it felt liek he knew that i was hurting so badly and that he maybe even knew what it was like to hurt like that and he ws reassuring me through it

So like i nodded and then he let go of my hand and i recorded the data and the day went on but like i still remember it vividly because it honestly felt like someone was acknowledging me and my pain that i tried really hard ti hide, and it ended up being true. Like im not a perfect person now i still have fits of Them Depression Blues and anxiety is still a bitch but i do overall feel so much better and i have a passion for my life again and where im headed, and its crazy to think i might habe never reached this place if he hadnt seen me for me that day

And like i know its weird for me to be remembering a super small moment from like 4 years ago but isaw one of his friends at the restaurant before i quit and i just wonder if he remembers that day because it honestly changed me so much and helped me grow into the person i am today and he might not even remember it. also yeah as per usual tangent this is long and rambly excuse spelling errors im abt to go to bed and please dont reblog k thanks bye