#but im still so panicky about money

[yip-yip]

little panic in the tags

[itsbebebrainrotting]

Analysis of qtubbo and qphils separate parenting flaws which might get me chased with pitchforks so im not tagging it:

(Long so under a cut)

Phils issue, when it comes to the other eggs, really boils down to his isolation. He only prioritises Chayanne and Tallulah (and he prioritises them by a lot) and only really knows Chayanne and Tallulah. And thats because he doesnt hang out with the other eggs often (and gets panicky when taking care of 3 eggs at once so never really gets to know them).

To him, dapper has cool shit, richas is just mischievous and sunny just likes money. This, as a start, just messes up his interactions with some eggs because he acts more familiar with them than he is and doesnt take a chance to know them better. This is worsened by how non serious and out of rp phil often is because when phil isnt rping the eggs still are. They will take his jokes srs. (And its especially bad with sunny cuz sunny is so defensive of tubbo, who qphil makes fun of a lot, and he also places that same relationship onto sunny, even if he doesnt know her well enough to have that relationship).

He also always prioritises his kids to the point of almost putting other kids down. It was RICHAS at fault in that argument over that painting he had with tallulah (cuz phil doesnt know richas enough to know he had an actual issue there). Phil didnt look for dapper when he was kidnapped and at risk of dying. Sunny and Leo fighting was none of his business. When sunny was sad their pa was gone phil compared it to his daughters loss and accidentally minimised their upset.

And the thing is, qphil isnt even perfect with chayanne and tallulah (enderking aside). He sees chayannes feeling of duty to everyone and encourages it rather than noticing how worrying it is. He also is seemingly unaware how deep it runs, considering how long it took him to notice chayannes hurt after tubbos death (and, may i add, chayannes egg bit with tubbo was way more heavily played into by phil than by tubbo). Hes seemingly a bit more attentive with tallulah (though notably i feel less knowledgeable on tallulahs woes nowadays than i used to - oh how the tides change). I know she struggles with loneliness and abandonment issues, and afaik hes very aware of that. But his own isolation therefore backfired a lot on her and he really doesnt notice. (Note: post reset i would also say qphil is probably less isolated but i cant really since i dont watch him and also most of the post reset phil has been enderking affected)

However, I wouldn't say qphil is a bad father to chayanne and tallulah. He just has one big flaw: He doesnt see the negative effects of some of his own actions and they suffer because of it.

Anyway, now to qtubbo, cuz im a tubbling and this analysis should be fair to both crows and tubblings.

Firstly, lets address post revival tubbo. Hes a lot more direct about his hurt and feelings, which manifests into him being mean and short tempered at times because qtubbo puts up with a lot of shit. This backfires at times onto his relationship with the eggs as he directs a lot of unnecessary anger onto them. He guilted both richas and chayanne for his death, for example.

That, however, isnt the only reasons he is a flawed egg caretaker.

See, qtubbo doesnt (always) have the same issues as phil. He babysits often and knows the eggs he regularly takes care of them really well, caring for them almost as much as he cares for sunny. The only egg id say he really didnt try to get to know at first was dapper (but he went out of his way to resolve the beef there). But, he also went to the end of the world and back for dapper so...

Tubbos issues with the eggs are more about his difficulty providing emotional comfort, than anything else.

For a start, both q and cc tubbo use humour as a coping mechanism. He will make poorly times jokes in dark situations because its his way of coping and dealing in those moments. That leaves eggs feeling hurt cuz he seems a lot less serious than they are.

Then theres the fact that while he lets the kids be kids, he also can struggle with telling the emotional age of the kids (he said sunny was 11 💀). This means he can sometimes act like the kids can handle a lot worse than they can.

Plus, his need for petty drama means he will accidentally upset the kids and not care that them fighting will upset them.

Not only that but he struggles at times to help sunny when she has issues (such as leo and tallulah disliking her at first) in part becayse he himself struggled with those issues irl. Of course he doesn't take the smart course of action there because he doesnt know how to fix it irl, let alone in rp.

Oh and all that also ignores the fact that tubbos suicidal tendencies are pushed onto sunny to the point where they literally have a suicide pact together

So, no, in short, qtubbo isnt perfect either. But that comes from struggling at times to be emotional support as well as his own poor mental health, which is entirely different to phils issues, which stem from his tendency to isolate (and a bit of a lack of self awareness).

[fairyhaos]

i saw this somewhere else, so i won't take credit for it, but i'm just curious

moot game! what crimes do you think your moot would commit and do you think they’d get caught or get away with it?

HAHAHA this is such a funny one omg okay

@odxrilove gives me arson vibes ngl. she's so chaotic lmaooo and gives off the mildly mentally insane personality that makes me think arson haha. and she probably gets away with it too??? no one can really trace it back to her, but people suspect bc this isn't her first offence

@blue-jisungs stealing from a bank 💀 gets caught bc she tries to get through all of the laser protection thingies and accidentally trips over her own feet and sets off the alarm

@wheeboo aiding and abetting!! rania seems like the typa person who'd be there on the sides, encouraging them to go ahead w the drug dealing or something. acts all innocent on trial, and almost gets away w it before right on the very last day there's a vital piece of evidence revealed that eventually condemns her

@slytherinshua car crash, and gets panicky about having to pay for repairs for the other person. apologises multiple times. regularly sends merry christmas money every yr bc she still feels guilty

@icyminghao breaking and entering. it was an accident actually, bc she thought it was her own house (it was dark okay) and she forgot her keys (she was tired okay) so she tried to get in thru the window before quickly realising it wasn't her home and backing out

@rubywonu money laundering. gets so rich that she never has to work ever and moves to the maldives to do whatever she wants. uses her private jet to fly to korea and go to all the fansigns with seventeen that she wins

@weird-bookworm hmm jaywalking? never gets caught tho. (idk why jaywalking is even a crime in some countries lmao)

@selenicives tax evasion. changes identity 26379154 times, knows all the best people to forge birth certificates and passports etc. gets caught only after like, 7 years

@etherealyoungk the most horrible crime of stealing my heart 😎😎 im jk haha i think she'd participate in some sort of peaceful protest and then end up arrested bc the police are being dicks >:((

[foxluvrz]

"minor" yap sesh about 11/08

USBSUEJEB okay so this happened yetserday but like i literally can barely like I DONT EVEN KNOW THIS WAS JUST SO FREAKING EMBARRASSING IM STILL SOBBING. okay so basicallyy in the morning i brought my like stuff for class into 🦔's classroom but i forgot i had an envelope to turn into the office in my pocket so i had to turn around to exit his classroom but right then he WALKED INTO THE DOOR. so i like kind almost ran into him which was embarrassing enough but he mustve saw what i had so he was like "oohh, is that money for mee?" like all sarcastically but i think i got water poured onto my circuits cuz i kinda just stood there eyes on the ground and then like stuttered out a "nuhuh" BECAUSE LIKE WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE SAID? and then i RAN out the door. like when i say sprinted i mean sprinted, there were NO other thoughts bro☹️ anyways when i got to the office i was still shaking and like i dont even know what happened still, its all a blacked out blur i fear.

anyways uhm, i dont remember the exact context of this because like i was still shaky and kind of like floaty but heavy feeling that morning but anyways i think it was cuz i asked a question and then someone else did so 🦔 answered theirs firdt before mine, but i looked around and he was just staring at me so i (bold, idk how i did this) decided to meet his gaze and like eye contact, BUT HE DIDNT LOOK AWAY AT FIRST. like he kept looking at me even when i was staring back and even AS HE WAS LIKE WALKING AWAY he still kept eye contsct for a moment?? WHAT. dude i dont know what balls i grew for that bcz i am NOT that brsve to have eye conatct with 🦔 like that. idk id there was actually tension there bcz i still felt sorta floaty-heavy but like HELLO?? I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. there were also other interactions too on friday DURING the test too idek.

okay so like during the test there were multiple sort of interactions like he was like checking if we're doing okay if i thought i was doing well and asked me if he thought i aced it and i like didnt know what to respond with so i just said "hopefully, yeah" LIKE IDK?? YOU SCARE ME SIR. anyways after the test i was like doodling and 🦔 came up to me asking if i knew how to use canva which i sort of do just not well, and he asked me to make him something to use for his fantasy football elective class (THAT IM NOT IN.) and while he was like giving me instructions on what to do and like what he needed i was like looking up at him kind of desperately and i didnt realize i was until like AFTER but also he was like using his sort of soft voice and oml.. DHEUEHWHSV HE MAKES ME SO NERVOUS ITS SO BAD BECAUSE LIKE I WAS REALLY LIKE SKITTISH SLAHS PANICKY ABOUT MAKING HIM THE THING EVEN THIUGH IT WASNT THAT BIG OF A DEAL AND I EMAILED IT TO HIM AT THE END OF CLASS AND LIKE THE EMAIL I SENT DIDNT HAVE THAT GOOD OF LIKE PUNCUATION SO I WAS RLLY WORRIED AND SHAKY FROM THAT TOOOO

[drdemonprince]

hello okay so my apolocheese for any bad english... not my main language

i am reading unmasking autism, and im still stuck thinking about the bat and ball problem.. because i got it wrong when i was reading your book. but the thing is, like two years ago, my dad out of nowhere asked me that exact same problem.. and i got it right !? so like what i dont understand is why i keep getting it wrong, if the first time i got it right. when i tried to do it yesterday, i got a little panicky and nervous and couldnt think so i was like "ohhh myy ggaaddd uhmm ummm the bat the ball the uhh. the dollar money*profusely sweating*its 1 dolar i think i dont know... "

anyways, the reasons why im so stuck thinking about it is 1. i have no idea why i got it right the first time and after that got it wrong twice, and 2. i keep questioning if getting it wrong might mean im like, definitely not autistic

for some context, ive been questioning that i may be autistic for like, 3 to 4 years.. but i still havent found a solid answer, cant go to any doctors, i keep trying to disprove it because i dont struggle enough, end up overthinking it, all that stuff... ( i could keep talking but theres already mucho texto ! and this stuff is probably irrelevant either ways. also should i mention my age? not sure if it matters but im 18 )

so im actually not sure why im sending you this ask but like, idk i keep thinking about it for some reason. maybe you had some type of answer about what it... means, i guess !? im not sure if it even means anything considering i always ger nervous with problems like that and end up saying wrong answers.. yeah sorry this is kinda silly, hope its not too annoying of an ask o_0

oh lord, please don't a single logic problem convince you you're not autistic! 80% of autistic people get questions *like that one* right. That doesn't mean we all do. And there are a variety of questions used in the original experiment. The ones that don't involve math tend to be less anxiety provoking for many.

That question is not a diagnostic test. We don't believe in diagnosing autism here. Autistic is an identity and a political movement. All you have to do to join is to claim it.

[stirringwinds]

What would u consider England's best qualities like I've a pretty good picture of his flaws. But what do u see as his best qualities? Like I'm aware that he is a deadly cunning man and ruthless, but what other qualities does he embody. I've some thoughts that nations may actively or instinctively perhaps try to emulate qualities that their culture considers very important, or do u think they would have more freedom to pick & choose? I'd love to hear ur thoughts. :)

thank you for this question! overall i think nations don’t always have full control over picking traits (tho sometimes they try to), but i think they sort of by nature emulate some things within their culture? as they’re steeped in it. these arent all of england’s traits, but just a few im thinking of, off the top of my head right now

the ‘stiff upper lip’: i think that with characters/people generally, sometimes flaws can be strengths in other circumstances? and that’s how i see it in this regard with arthur. i don’t wanna over-mythologise the idea of the ‘stiff upper lip’—people are human at the end of the day, and the historical record shows how the ‘keep calm and carry on’ idea of english and british stoicism is more nuanced. however, i do headcanon that when things are really going badly for arthur (like during the Blitz), he might often be good at appearing calm, nonchalant and even crack a few dry jokes. gallows humour. i have this vague idea that he might flip his shit over more minor things (’out of shortbread again?! absolutely ridiculous!’), but when shit’s really bad he might be eerily calm—which is often welcome for other people who are feeling panicky. this sort of stoicism can be a weakness because i think sometimes arthur represses expressing (and therefore processing) his emotions healthily and it might be an act to cover his anxiety. sometimes i think however, he’s genuinely calm—because of his long life and general worldview that you know, sometimes the world is going to hell outside the window but the first thing to do is Sit Down and put the kettle on (or pour out some whiskey)  

i see arthur, in truth, as not giving a rat’s arse about hoity-toity ideas of aristocratic lineage and class. like, class is definitely a huge issue in england and the whole UK. a lot of british period dramas centre on the lives of wealthy upper-class gentry who aren’t the majority of english society or culture. most people don’t relate to this lifestyle and mentality. and—the way i see it, the hetalia personification encompasses a larger group, no? i see arthur being the kind of person who will respect intelligence, cunning and talent (even if grudgingly, when coming from a rival or someone who’s pissed him off, like the way alfred did during the american revolutionary war) when he sees it. and that’s the case no matter how seemingly “”unrefined”” the person is through the eyes of the english gentry—whom till today, fixate a lot on etiquette, lineage and class status (there are still hereditary peerages. where you’re lord or lady so-and-so just because of the birth lottery). because there’s a whole lot of fascinating stuff with english labour history that is also intertwined with the history of us commonwealth migrants (both during the zenith of the british empire and decolonisation). a lot of major developments in the industrial revolution occurred in england), and were connected to the culture and politics of social reform in say, the east end of london. there’s also the history of northern english labour unions (since the north was historically where a lot of manufacturing industries were sited).  that being said: i do think arthur is shrewd and pragmatic, and sometimes he will play along with the Wealthy English Lord persona if it is useful to get information. and he isn’t immune to liking the trappings of money—during the victorian era and the zenith of empire definitely had greenhouses built to indulge his mania for orchids and bromeliads (which was the way really rich victorians showed off). on a nation meta-level: i see arthur being conscious of how roman britain was at times considered a backwater province, and that his beginnings are far more patchwork and seem less prestigious than say, how i see italy brothers’ link to rome being clearer. arthur feels to me like someone who—if some lord so-and-so sneered at the ambiguity in his lineage and called him a bastard—arthur would laugh in his face, throw back his drink and smile ‘why thank you, my dear. at least i am honest about it.’ so; he likes money and can be materialistic at times, but i headcanon that he doesn’t really give a shit about the weight people assign to aristocratic lineage and is pretty disdainful of it. 

bonus: he’d definitely fight anyone who tries to take a crap on the NHS. like, it’s genuinely a thing. it’s got loads of issues—but it’s the one institution polls show people being most proud of. i won’t get into the cultural perceptions of the NHS historically here nor the political fighting between the tories / labour and lib dem with how the NHS is funded/run (as it is A Lot of stuff...) but yeah—ever since it was introduced by the postwar Labour government, it’s really interesting how entrenched it has become as a symbol of england (and britain) across the political divide, whereas a lot of other national symbols, like the royal family have often been more polarising (there’ve always been moments of republicanism in english history).  

[ging-ler]

Idk if it counts as (1) thing but I’d like to know your top 5 characters in any media you’ve related to or loved the most? 🥺

Oooh you know what, I wanna do the ones I relate to the most. Because in all honesty there are not too many characters that I look at and I’m like yep thats me. Here’s my best list:

1.) Jirou and Kaminari from MHA

Im combining them into one because I feel like I can’t fully relate to them, but parts of their personalities I can and if I took those parts and mashed it together it would fully be me. I relate to Jirou because I am self conscious both about my looks and my talents. I get extremely nervous to show my off anything I work on, every time I post art all I can think of “is this good enough?” Don’t even get me started on singing and writing. I can barely show my sister that side of me, I get so scared. I also feel like I have her chill composure and I love music. On the other hand, I sometimes have Kaminari’s panicky composure. I relate to a lot of his anxieties. A lot of the time he looks at fictional situations and he’s like “lets just get out of here, it’s not like this is a real situation anyways” He doesn’t always think things through but at the same time he overthinks his role as a hero instead of just being one. I relate to that, a lot of the time I overanalyze myself rather than letting myself be, and I don’t always go about things the smartest way. But he’s also funny and supportive and I like to think I’m those things too (I would never be friends with mineta tho sorry Kaminari I’m just built different.) Oh also these two are bi as fuck so there’s that. 

2.) Hiro Hamada from Big Hero 6

Okay in every way, shape, and form, I should relate to Anna from Frozen more than Hiro. I have an older sister who I am really close to plus I’m a redhead. Plus Hiro is a mathematical and scientific genius at 14 years old and I barely passed the only math class I had to take for college. But idk, something about his relationship with Tadashi just hit me. I really did feel like he was a stubborn younger sibling that didn’t know shit about the opportunities given to him until his brother showed him the way. And I related to that a lot, hell I’m still in that stubborn younger sibling phase, I probably always will be.

3.) Ed from FMAB

Short, hates milk, lil obnoxious.

4.) Rapunzel from Tangled

Ah my fav movie. I don’t completely relate to Rapunzel but I do feel like I connected to her so strongly for a reason. She’s artistic and just wants nothing more than to be free. I, now more than ever, have that desire to be free and have the ability to just live. Plus she gets her hair cut short! Oh she also has a mom that’s possessive over her hair, which I do too (obviously not the the same extent but still) 

5.) Nami from One Piece

Ah my beloved Nami. I def don’t relate to her entirely, I don’t have an obsession over money like she does, nor am I a con artist who had to sell her soul to the person who killed my mother only to be betrayed by him. But there are a lot of times I find myself watching the show, a character does something stupid, I’ll say something about it, and then literally a second later Nami will say the exact same thing! She’s smart and one of the most cautious members of the group. She has a lot of empathy for others, she cries and she screams in fear but she also stands her ground when it comes to her friends. I love that about her and I feel like if I was in that universe I would do a lot of the things she does. Oh, and we’re both redheads!! 

[gloriousxdarkness]

𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

1. what does your muse smell like ?

“Evergreen, and blood, and the air before a storm.” 

“That cemetery bouquet. Like sweet poison…“

she smells earthy and floral, and if you’re close enough (Or have hyper-senses) there’s a lingering, coppery hint of blood. the average person might think the metallic smell is coming from her jewelry, if they notice at all, or subconsciously perceive it and think danger. If she’s been running around she’ll smell like sweat and grime of whatever city she’s in. As for her chosen scents, I rather like Wild Poppy by NEST for her (ty @thatslayer​) which is clean and has a “cloudy-day” kind of feel. But as Elektra is not married to one liquor, or car, or city, I imagine she is not married to a single perfume, either. 

In college she may have played with scents as a way of teasing Matt, or gone without if they bothered him. She likes the way a person naturally smells, anyway.

2. what do your muse’s hands feel like ?

It hurts when one cracks across your face, lol. 

Elektra normally wears gloves when she’s out and about, and she has a particular high sense of physical care for herself. She doesn’t really have a job, so in the daytime it’s easy enough to spend some time and money on private doctors, expensive creams, etc. which helps her stay camouflaged in high society.

Given all that, I’d say her hands feel unexpectedly rough, for how she appears. They are callused from constant use— swordwielding on the reg, grip strength for parkour— and there are marks/shadowing from bloodying her knuckles all her life. She’s scarred her palms from a katana digging into them, specifically. But she rarely touches someone non-violently for them to find out.

3. what does your muse usually eat in a day ?

Elektra doesn’t cook. If she ever does, you can serve it to your enemies. She drinks coffee but not to excess, probably drinks more tea for the calming effect and lower caffeine levels. She probably eats several light meals throughout the day, more of a snacker than a sit down to a meal kinda person. It keeps her energy up while not feeling too heavy. Fighting makes her hungry, though, so she’ll chow down after that. She orders expensive takeout and pre-made meals. She’s indulgent, too, and not especially picky. She’ll munch on special baby pickles and caviar or diner food and cheap coffee with equal appreciation, loves pie, and her favorite snack is knife cheese.

4. does your muse have a good singing voice ?

her voice is quite pleasant to listen to. like warm oil when she’s pleased, and her accent tends to soften even the sharper things she says. there’s no point of reference for her singing voice in the show, though there’s a little bit in the comics— I imagine she can carry a tune but her talents lie elsewhere.

5. does your muse have any bad habits or nervous ticks ?

depends what you call a bad habit. In conversation, her tendency to withdraw into silence can kill. I think she drinks more when she’s uncomfortable with what she’s doing, but committed to doing it anyway. Oh, and yeah, she has a little bad habit of flagrantly breaking the law for fun. She doesn’t kill for fun, even if she sometimes has fun doing it, but she’ll do any number of other crimes for sheer kicks. Stealing cars and breaking & entering being top favorites. Adrenaline chaser. She can be controlling, doling out information as-needed (or as pressed, which I encourage). It’s in part for fun and in part so the other person can’t tell her no. She usually needs someone to tell her no. She isn’t especially trustworthy, because while you can ask her to play by your rules, even if she agrees she will ultimately do whatever she thinks she needs to later, even at the cost of damaging a relationship. While she’s socially graceful in public, she is awful at maintaining relationships and making friends. She is best at being ‘work partners.’

Nervous ticks— she’s in pretty good control of herself, but sometimes she rolls her thumb over her fingers, kinda toys with her hands, avoids your eyes/face, gets unnaturally still and you get the sense she’s holding back. Out on missions she can get panicky and antsy when things aren’t going right. She has this ‘close to death isnt this exciting im not scared’ laugh/smile thing too going on. She would be shaking and trying to keep hold of herself, not show her fear. Resurrecting stripped her of a lot of human-ness, but over time I believe it would come back, to a degree. The longer it’s been since she died, the better.

6. what does your muse usually look like / wear ?

Elektra almost always looks put together. For her “professional/fancy life” - skirt or dress and heels. She favors high necklines, soft blouses, and flatters her legs. She likes leather, gold jewelry, reds and blacks. Elektra has money and you can tell, all her clothes are tailored to her and the material looks expensive and pleasant on the skin, in that ‘dry clean only’ steamed and pressed kind of way. It’s old money— style over flash. Her hair is normally long, straight and often up in a ponytail.

Her wealth is part of a mirage, though— she’s actually not that picky about any of it. She just can have it, so she does. She’ll sleep in the shorts and a tank she just fought in no problem. If she’s not in ‘fancy’ mode she wears jeans, sweaters, button ups.

7. Is your muse affectionate?  How much?  How so?

it depends. Elektra is shown to be quite affectionate with Matt and to a point, with Stick. As much as he allowed her to be. She loves to reach for her partner, hold hands, touch their cheek, forehead press, and it means so much to her to receive the same. A romantic partner gets her affection more readily than a friend. Outside of romance, she adores getting a friend’s love ‘forced’ upon her, even if she’s kind of uncomfortable giving it, because it shows how she feels, especially around others. If she’s holding onto you or touching you, she feels very close to you.

I think she’s affectionate in other ways, though. Like she’s such a doer that she’d see a loved one has a problem or discomfort and just... fix it. Or try. Matt loves her silk sheets? Now he has some. You need money? Okay here. Having trouble with that stubborn witness? I’ll go intimidate him! for you! It’s not always the right response, but if she has the means to ‘help’, she usually will. Like Matt doesn’t take care of himself or let himself indulge and she would just... do what he’s not doing for himself, or make him do it, and kind of... take the blame, in that sense? It’s not his fault he can’t martyr himself if she’s forcing him to take this money or enjoy this essential oil bubble bath and massage. “Wear this beautiful overpriced suit for me, I’m the one who has to look at you.” Andd keep it. That kind of thing.

8. what position does your muse sleep in ?

Usually curled up on her side. She moves around a little in the night and sometimes ends up on her back.

9. could you hear your muse in the hallway from another room ?

Not if she’s trying to be quiet. Elektra can move and fight in total silence. She walked out on Matt in heels and he didn’t even hear her. NINJA.

Tagged by: @murdcck​ Tagging: @thatslayer, @phdinrage, @soulavenged, @timemovesonandon, @xsecondstringslayerx, @enduringlystoic, @iwannadogirlystuff, @wandyrlust, @hepunished, @kinginhismind, @artificiallyimplantedmemories, @lordofsparkles​

[onedoesnotsimplywriteafanfic]

Reunited at last (3/6)

Part: 1,  2

After an escape gone wrong they, Sam, Nate and Rafe, never quit there plan. As they kept running, the guards started to close them in. Jumping from on building to the next, gun shots filled the air. Rafe was the first to jump, Nate follow suit and Sam barely made it over. Hanging from the wall with dear life Nate offered him a hand to pull him up.

Holding on his brothers hand the guards took this as an opportunity and opened fire once more. Nate almost got Sam on the wall when they started firing, most of the bullets hit the wall but a couple ended in Sams torso.

Sam started coughing and blood dripped from his lips. ‘’Sam, no.’’ said Nate softly and scared.  ‘’No, you hold on.’’ He said as Sam started to slip. Now hanging from the wall, Nate holding onto his arm with all his might. Little by little Sam started to loose concussions and slips further from his brothers grasp. ‘’Give me your other hand.’’ Nate said hasty, knowing he didn’t had much time left. But Sam could not bring him self to it and slipped out of his brothers grasp and fell down. Hitting a steal roof on his way and fell right trough it into the dark layers below.

Nate didn’t want to leave his brothers body behind but Rafe told him he was gone and that they needed to move. ‘’We have to go, now.’’ he said as he tried to help Nate up from the ground. ‘’No, I can���t, I can’t leave him behind.’’ It was a difficult decisions but he soon followed Rafe to the boat and leaving his brothers body behind.

A lump in my throat prevented me from speaking. ‘’But it is normal to think you saw him.’’  I nodded slowly. He hugged me tight and stroked my back. ‘’Take the time you need, but I do need to go back, the auction is about to start any minute now.’’ I wiped away some tears that had made there way out. ‘’I will be there in a minute.’’ I said softly, once I cleared my head I joined Rafe back in the hall.

As Rafe walked back inside he stumbled upon an old friend. ‘’Victor Sullivan, how the hell are you?’’ Rafe said with a honeyed voice. Victor, my dad, looked up from the women he was speaking with, Nadine, Rafe’s business partner. ‘’Rafe, why am I not surprised to see you here.’’ He said while shaking his hand. ‘’How long has it been?’’ Rafe asked mocking, knowing perfectly well how long it has been. ‘’Ten years, twelve?’’ he continued. ‘’Fifteen.’’ Said Victor annoyed and slightly irritated.

They spoke some more about work and business. Feeling a little bit better I decided to go back and look for Rafe. He wasn’t hard to find. Walking closer to him I could not see the man’s face he was talking to. ‘’Feeling better?’’ he asked soon as I came in his few. ‘’Yes.’’ The smile I carried soon faded as the man turned around. ‘’Dad?’’ I asked shocked. ‘’Are you here with him?’’ he pointed to Rafe. ‘’Yes. She is, Victor.’’ Answered Rafe for me as I couldn’t find the words.

With a glare Victor looked at him. ‘’She can speak for herself, son.’’ Rafe held his hands up in a backing away manor. ‘’You said you were in Yemen.’’ with my arms crossed I looked at him, waiting for his respond. ‘’Why did you lie?’’ I knew I had lied too, but this was different. ‘’I uhm, we, oh boy.’’ He mumbled. ‘’We? Nate is here too?’’ he sighed and scratched his head. ‘’Well yeah and,’’ he stopped himself from talking. ‘’I never said whit whom I was because I knew you were still pissed at Rafe for leaving but this,’’ I was angry at my dad. How and why would he lie about this.

Before he could answer the auction was about to start. ‘’And in a moment we will start bidding on our next item an inlaid wooden crucifix from the Trott Estate.’’ the lady spoke. ‘’Should have know the two of you went after the crucifix as well. You could have just told me, you know.’’ I said angry and walked away from my dad.

Without saying anything further Rafe followed me and left Victor alone. ‘’Guys, we have a problem, not only is Rafe here but also my daughter.’’ It was silenced for a second on the communicators they used. ‘’She is?’’ someone asked both hurt and hopeful. ‘’Yes, she is, but she is here with Rafe.’’ Victor said. ‘’Sam, I am so sorry.’’ Nate said, not exactly knowing what to say or feel. ‘’Let’s just focus on the task boys. We need that cross.’’ Victor said in his fatherly tone.

Looking for a place in the crowd, I admired the cross. For something so old it was in perfect condition. Preserved in its original state, finding something like this was rare. Just being here, able to see it from so close was a privilege.

The bidding had started. Rafe waited till a higher bid before he started to bid on it as well. At almost one hundred thousand euro, no one els was bidding any more, until my dad had the audacity to made the bid of the one thousand euro’s. “What is he doing?’’ I muttered under my breath. Rafe placed another bid. Thousand euro’s higher than the last.

It went on like this between the two for a good two to three minutes. After my dad had bid two hundred thousand euro Rafe got so irritated that he bid five hundred thousand euro. ‘’Get this show on the road, shall we.’’ Rafe said eager to win the bid. ‘’Does the gentleman wish to bid again?’’ The auctioneer asked. All eyes were on Victor.  ‘’Its all yours.’’ he said, making a waving hand gesture. I let out a sigh of relive, if he had won this bid we would be bankrupt. We didn’t have that much money, let alone the opening bid.

A smirked formed around Rafe’s lips. ‘’We are going once,’’ the women started. ‘’Going twice.’’ the  room kept quiet, Rafe could feel the victory. ‘’Then I shall sell it for five hundred thousand,’’ before she could finish the lights fell out and the hall was left in complete darkness. ‘’Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. The backup power will come on shortly.’’ the women spoke in order to keep everyone calm.

In the room whispers arose, some panicky and some calm. I had a bad feeling by this. Just a second later the backup power came on and someone stated. ‘’It’s gone!’’ meaning the cross. I should have know it. It could have only meant one thing why my dad and Nate where here, to steal the cross.

I lost Rafe in all the commotion, looking for a way out in the hope to find Nate. He couldn't have gotten far. Opening every door in the corridor I was in, I came face to face with Nate. ‘’I think you have something that doesn’t belong to you.’’  I said pushing him back in the room. ‘’Well, technically it’s neither yours.’’ he joked, but I was not laughing. ‘’Just give it back Nate, you gave up this hunt years ago.’’ He was holding back something, I could see it in his eyes. ‘’Why are you here with Rafe.’’ trying to distract me he changed the subject. ‘’Hand me the cross Nate.’’ I held out my hand. ‘’No.’’ he said stern.

With pain in my eyes I looked at my best friend. ‘’Don’t make me fight you for it Nathan.’’ he was shocked to hear me say that. ‘’You don’t mean that.’’ Somewhere I did, but hoped it would not come to it. He took some steps back while I took them forward. Slow and steady I approached Nate. ‘’There are a million other treasures to be found, can’t you just for once let one slip?’’ he shook his head. ‘’I am sorry, but I can’t not this time.’’ And with that he ran towards me.

In shock I covered my face not knowing what would come, but at the very last moment he dodged me and jumped out of the window. ‘’NATHAN!’’ I screamed and ran to the window, looking outside in the hope to see him hanging onto something, but nothing. After a couple of seconds of looking down I could hear a faint grunt. It belonged to Nate, who was probably hanging onto something underneath the window just outside of my point of view.

I let out an angry sigh before I headed back to the main hall to find Rafe. On my way there I could hear the gunshots from outside. My head was spinning, I just hoped Nate would make it out alive. Somewhere outside I found Rafe. ‘’Rafe!’’ I ran towards him and looked him up and down. ‘’You are oke. I heard the shots and.’’ my voice was cracked and my hands were shaking. ‘’Im oke.’’ he said pulling my into his arms. ‘’I was worried about you.’’ he admitted.

Back at the hotel I told him what happened. ‘’Nate stole the cross.’’ I said defeated. ‘’I should have known, that could have been the only reason why my father would be there and why he would bid such ridiculous prices he never could afford.’’ I rented without pausing. Rafe sat at the kitchen table with a glass of scotch in his hand, listening. ‘’We will find out what was so important to that cross the hard way.’’ With a big gulp he emptied his glass.

Because of my tiredness I couldn’t think logically, I needed sleep and in the morning I would look at ways to unravel this mystery. I said goodnight to Rafe and went to my room.

The next morning we talked about ways to find clues. ‘’I can go to the library, maybe find some books about Avery.’’ I suggested. A spark in his eyes ignited. ‘’Yes, If there is anyone who can find that out it’s you.’’ with a broad smile he looked at me. ‘’I can talk to some other people and drop you off at the library.’’ I nodded. ‘’Thanks. I appreciate that.’’ Out of my suitcase I grabbed my notebook and my favorite fountain pen. I never left without the two.

The drive to the library was short, he dropped me off at the Ambrosiana Library. Founded it 1609 and holds some of the oldest manuscripts of the world. I just hoped they would also have something on Avery, how small it might be, any lead could help.

Walking in without a plan, I started looking for books. Henry Avery was an English pirate in the 1600. I took books about Pirates, the Founders, some of Avery’s companions and even a scroll about Libertalia. It didn’t say much but every bit of information was critical.

Hours on end I sat in the library doing research. Once I was in my zone I easily forget to eat, drink or take breaks in general. It was getting later and later but I wasn’t going anywhere, staying in my spot until I found that piece of information that would lead us further.

After two days of searching I finally found something. A resting place that allegedly may or may not have been Avery’s. Located in Scotland. Hyped about my findings I rushed cleaning up and may have misplaced some books. With my notebook clutched in my hands I walked outside and called Rafe. ‘’I found something. Im heading to the hotel now.’’ I said before leaving the building.

Stepping outside in the cold morning air. It was in the dusk of time, I checked my phone and saw that it was five thirty in the morning. The sun was about to set and the stars where still visible in the sky. ‘’I will be there in five, just stay put.’’ I heard Rafe say with a sleepy voice. I completely lost sense of time while I was in the library.

Part 4 

Masterlist

[sweetestsugar1996]

soooo im having a hard time committing to renting my own incall. even for just a couple months. since ive been on hiatus for like 5 months and I dont plan to offer fs anymore I dont even know how busy im gonna be. even though realistically I know that ill be busy enough, the unknown just makes me anxious. so im going to dip my toes back in doing outcalls and renting an incall per hour for the second half of January. then i will reevaluate. 

one thing I notice about myself apartment hunting is that I feel so awkward telling people I don't want it or cancelling bookings LOL. theres no reason I should feel guilty about not wanting to rent a place but I still just feel so bad like im breaking up with them. it makes no sense. I think I'm just becoming more socially inept in general 

im hoping that once I get back into the swing of working, ill be less depressed and sluggish and have better structure so that I can start moving my life forward in terms of a REAL JOBBB - or some semblance of one. I just need the money too at this point. 

I literally just sat around and burned savings this year. but it takes a lot to get back out there after the trauma this summer. so im forgiving myself for that. onlyfans was also a shitshow and sort of contributed to my depression and the end of my last relationship tbh 

2 of my close-ish friends are pregnant and so is my best friends sister. that makes me feel weird tbh. like were only 24/25 but they got me feeling like I should be settled down. which I do want soon, and the added insecurity of my last breakup being revolved around my work/not being a long term fit makes me feel a little panicky. but also like.. are you guys just doing this because youre bored at home in covid? 

[aka-indulgence]

Yo! Im in a babybones phase.. what if reader and AMitS would do the making, and reader 1. Tells Him she's pregnant. 2. How he is during labour 3. How they raise the little one. 4. I love babybones.. give me fluff ♥

Yup, of course ;)

1. He’d be… shocked, though he shouldn’t be, he loves the fuck out of you… B-but he actually created life… With you?! He kind of panics while also having euphoria at the same time… He’s going to start a family with you. His precious sweetheart… After he gets over the stage of “oh god, i’m gonna be a FATHER”, he is very very happy and is going to pamper the hell out of you, constantly rubbing your stomach, nuzzling it, being 10x more loving- and he was already pretty clingy and affectionate before that. He never never never wants to leave you alone, and you’ll have less privacy- which wasn’t much to begin with. His possessiveness also spikes- while he’s gotten you chained to him for carrying his- no, their baby, he really doesn’t want you going out much and potentially meeting- heaven’s forsake- someone other than him. He’ll let his family take care of you because of his trust in them- but anyone else, he’ll want to kill if they so much as get too close to you.

2. Again- panicky. When the water breaks when he was just holding you in bed after months of pregnancy- he flips his shit. He’s going to immediately carry you bridal style and ask if you’re hurting, if you’re uncomfortable- what the fuck is he supposed to do?! It’s not until you tell him in a calm voice that you should go to a hospital that he’ll go “y-yeah. you’re right, yeah. i should… we should do that.”When you and him get there he’s going to be pretty demanding and that he needs his girl in a room NOW, or else he’ll- “Sans… It’s ok.”… Yeah, he needs to calm down.When you get a room he’s holding your hand, giving it gentle rubs and absolutely not wanting to let go even as you writhe and twist and gripped his phalanges until they go numb and he feels like they’re going to pop off from how rough you grabbed his fingers- he knows you’re having much much worse pain even if he’s already angrily bellowed at the doctors and nurses to give you anesthetic… His affections for you will grow with every contractions you give until…. Your- His- “ours” was born into the world, with a small cry that just melts his soul and he just wants to pull you and the baby close into an embrace that he’ll protect- and do anything to protect.

3. You’re a very loving mother- and Sans is a very loving father- and… husband?! You’re not married legally- with Sans’ line of work, but basically you are. There’s a crib in the bedroom and toys and a playpen in the living room… And he’s got the basement baby-proofed. Of course now you have free roam outside and inside the basement- though he’s going to be with you every step of the way. He does work less- but he’ll have the money to keep you living very comfortably with the baby. He’s very cuddly with everyone and really really likes to cradle not only the baby- but you as well. He may be a criminal, but he’s going to protect his babies from it. He’ll be as overprotective of the baby as much as you- always supervising. He’s also as possessive as you as much as he is during pregnancy… And the kid. But somehow- since the little tyke is half-monster- he has trust in ‘em than he does you in being alone once they get older, around teen years with their magic- but that’s not saying very much as he’s still very overprotective.… Not sure how school would work… They’d probably be taught by you, since Sans also wasn’t ‘properly’ educated… And he doesn’t quite trust other people with his baby.

4. ;)

You were sleeping that night, the baby in the crib. Sans hadn’t come home yet… The little babybones was already asleep. You’re glad that apparently your baby has apparently taken to you in being quiet, with their worst tantrum only lasting an hour or so, with mostly little breaks in them. You’ve fed them tonight and they’ve quickly tired themselves out. Sans hasn’t come home yet oddly, and it’s already quite late. You’re sure he’s ok, you’ve texted him (he’s given you a phone now that you’re officially his family) to make sure…

Sans: i’ll be home soon bby. love you

… He’s so sweet sometimes…

You were tired and exhausted, and you were about to doze off…

When you heard quiet little whimpers coming from the crib.

You yawned, stumbling over to the crib and picking up your baby, quietly shushing them back to sleep… When they quickly nuzzled onto your chest, gripping onto the fabric of your shirt, making cute little hums that you- just couldn’t put them back down..

“… (y/n)?”

You turned around to see Sans at the door, a tired look on his face and his clothes messy… He took in the sight in front of him, in the dark, the lights off with only a little night light in the room…

And he promptly strode over to you, scooped you and the baby in his arms, and crashed into bed gently, keeping mind of the baby’s head.

“S-Sans?” You sounded as he quickly cuddled the both of you into his chest, the baby between both of you, giving the little one a peck on the head before peppering you face in kisses.

“… fuck,” He breathed, taking in your face and his baby in the middle, “i love comin’ home to ya, sweetheart, baby…” He gushes, giving you more kisses and squishing the baby a little- which wasn’t enough to crush them- and apparently they enjoyed, because they shook around a little before snuggling comfortably between you.

… He still can’t believe… He’d started a family with his precious human.. And now he has a beautiful, lovely baby with you… He’s going to cherish them, and you. He’s going to make sure they grow up better than him- hopefully affected by you, much better than him… And he’ll teach them how to protect themselves so they can keep moving on once he’s gone… Which won’t be soon. He’s going to give them all the love they deserve- with you.

He’ll make sure to make things right with his baby…

He sniffed the head of his baby before fixing their position between the two of you before he does his signature wrap around you, huddled around the baby protectively- and keeping you close. He sighed… And he nestled his head into your neck as the three of you dozed off….

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Perspective: Ten

Bruce stared blankly at the screen at the front of the room. This meeting had gone on forever and he felt like his brain had started to liquefy. Steve and Tony were taking turns droning on and he was ready to strangle Clint if the archer didn’t stop asking inane questions. 

He caught Natasha’s eye and the spy rolled her eyes dramatically before turning to flip a rubber band at Clint. Bruce knew that it wasn’t just the staff meeting. He missed you. He’d gotten used to being around you all the time but, now that you were drowning in work, it felt like ages since he’d done more than text you. 

It worried him, if he was honest. It didn’t take him long to learn that you dealt with all your trauma by not dealing with it. You buried it all in distractions and ignored all the warning lights. That was your superpower. Compartmentalizing at the speed of sound.  

When his phone buzzed quietly, he tapped the screen and smirked to himself. You’d sent him a picture. A screenshot of a tweet, apparently

“Christ,” he murmured, chuckling to himself. “Bruce, look at Nudes on your own time,” Tony said, sipping coffee. “It’s not, it’s a tweet,” Bruce protested. “Speaking of nudes,” Natasha says, pouncing on the opportunity to derail the meeting, “When are we gonna meet this girl, Banner?”

“Tony has met her,” Bruce reminded. “Yeah,” Clint said, “But I wanna meet her. I wanna know what she’d diagnose me with.” Bruce sighed, “If it’ll get this meeting over with I’ll text her and see if she can come out tonight for a minute but... It’s getting up on the end of term.” Tony winced, “Yeah, I don’t miss those days.” Bruce sighed, “Yeah. She’s worn the fuck out by the time she gets home.”

He pulls out his phone anyway and pulls up his text conversation with you.

Hey, baby?

It takes a few minutes but you text him back.

Hey handsome! You okay?

Fine, sweetheart. Everythings fine. Do you have time to go out tonight? Everyone really wants to meet you.

Bruce is dimly aware of the meeting flowing around him. He can see you smiling a little and his heart warms.

Just as long as no one minds if I’m scruffy looking. And on call.

Bruce smiles. He doesn’t care if you're “scruffy” or on call. As long as he can see you on more than a video chat. 

No one is going to mind, Y/N. We’ve all seen bad days.

Then I’ll be there. I miss you.

I miss you too, baby.

Gotta go. Class.

___________

When you walked into the bar, you looked like you’d had a day. Your jeans were torn and your hoodie was old. Clearly at some point during the day, you’d had a change of clothes. Usually your work clothes were neat. Professional. As a general rule, you avoided looking scruffy at all when you went out in public if you could. Still though. You were cute. 

You leaned on the bar, hefting your backpack up on your shoulder a little more firmly and ordering a drink and he made his way to your side unobtrusively, “Come here often?” he said, voice warm. You turned, irritated for just a second until you realized it was Bruce. He caught you, chuckling as your lips crashed into his and your arms twined around his neck. When you pulled away he smiled softly, “Long day?” he asked. You nod, “Two changes of clothes later and one client trying to walk all the way the fuck to Jersey, I’m free.” He cuddles you gently and kisses you again, telling the bartender to put your drink on his tab. “Bruce,” you scold gently. He just smiles, “What? I can afford it. It’s just a couple drinks.” You give him a look and he kisses your forehead. He knows you don’t like it when he pays for things for you. He likes that you don’t ask him for things. But he adores doing things for you. “Thank you,” you say, kissing his jaw. He pulls your hair out and takes your backpack to set it at your feet. It’s heavy and he almost drops it. “Sorry,” you tell him, “I usually pack up in the morning and don’t get home until 9 or after.” Bruce just kisses your head and starts the introductions. 

Nat watches you curiously for a moment. Steve asks a ton of questions and Tony, being Tony, grills you for information about things like whether or not Bruce snores. When your work phone rings you sigh, “Hold that thought. The Panicky rookies beckon,” you tell them. You pick up the phone and attach headphones so you can listen and also look things up, “Y/N,” you say. 

Bruce can tell just from the look on your face that this is probably something you’ve answered before. “Of course she has pain. She has COPD and smokes a pack and a half of cigarettes a day,” you say. “No. DO NOT. Absofuckinglutely not. Do not give her the money to buy more.” You pinch the bridge of your nose, “Look. We go through this several times a week. Her blood pressure is better than mine. She’s just mad that the doctor she saw at the urgent care told her to stop smoking. Tell her that if she can walk to the ER she does not need to be there. Also remind her that her blood pressure is GOING to be high if she makes you take it when she comes in from chain-smoking... Okay. Yes. That’s fine. She can take her anxiety PRN in the next hour. Encourage her to do that and lay down. Yup. Okay. Make sure you put all this in the shift report for Dr. Meyers. Bye.”

You hang up the phone and your cheeks color, “Sorry, I’m our on-call until 4am.” Clint snorted, “So basically you’re babysitting over the phone?” You nod, “That’s a pretty accurate assessment,” you tell them. Steve smiles a little, “How long have you been doing jobs like this?” he asked. You shrug, “Since I was 21 so... about 6 years now. My first job was as a tech in a dementia ward.” Bruce smiles a little, “So a lack of orientation to reality is your specialty?” You shrug, “I’m just familiar with it... You just gotta go with it. If a dementia patient tells you the sky is green, you tell them it’s a lovely shade, isn’t it? If they ask to talk to their mom whose been dead 50 years, you distract them. If you can’t, put them on the phone with a nurse who has the best mom voice.” Natasha smiles a little as she watches you take a sip of your drink. “Why’d you stop working in the dementia ward?” Tony asked. 

“Because my dumb ass thought that working with kids would be less heartbreaking... So I did that for a while,” you say. Clint winces, “Yeah... Kids suck.” You laugh, “No joke. I still have a scar on my ribs from getting stabbed with a hunk of metal door.” Steve choked and Tony thumped him on the back, “Seriously?” he sputtered. You nod. “Is it a full moon?” you ask Bruce idly, snuggling into his side. “Yes,” Natasha answered.

“Fuck me running,” you groan and sigh. “Why?” Bruce asked. “It’s a pretty good metric for how many calls I’m gonna get,” you answer. Tony scoffed, “That’s an old wives tale.”

“I’m gonna get a minimum of 4 calls and 3 text messages,” you shoot back, “On the TL ward we have 4 schizophrenics, 2 with BPD, and various and sundry other disorders. At least one that’s in the early stages of Alzheimer's... I’m gonna get calls. And that’s not to mention my client in the community.” Clint whistled softly, “Jesus. How do you organize all that?” 

“Luck,” you answer smirking, “Luck and postie notes.”

Bruce gently redirects the conversation, for which you’re grateful. You’re used to the endless questions. People treat your job like a super-secret thing. Like they’re getting insider information. People don’t understand what you do. Or why you do it. You guess even superheroes get curious. Bruce's fingers find the sore spot on the back of your neck and you relax against him. It had been a long day and you want to go home and go to bed. But, until 4am, you have to stay awake. You know technically you can sleep on call but you also know that if you sleep, you’ll sleep right through the phone calls. You listen to the chatter, comforted by the warmth of being tucked into Bruce’s side. Listening to the rumble of his voice. He’s happy. You can tell. And that makes you happy.

He deserves it. You look up at him adoringly and even Tony feels himself melt a little. When Bruce looks down at you and kisses you softly Clint “Aww’s” out loud and you blush. “Grotesquely cute,” Tony mutters, making Natasha and Steve both smack him. Bruce brushes hair out of your eyes, “I better get you home, huh?” he said. “I’m okay if you want to stay,” you say yawning, “I have to be on call until 4am anyway.” He smiled, “Can you stay awake that long?” he asked. “Yeah. It’s just gonna take coffee.”

He tutted softly and picked up your bag, “Well,” she said, “You have a coffee maker at home. Let’s go.”

Tags: @lancsnerd​ @stevieang​ @golddaggers​ @blameitonthecauseway​ @qxeen-of-hearts​ @process-pending​ @xmarveled​ @beautybyfire, @etherealwaifgoddess, @mschellehitt, @mistressoftorture @thorfanficwriter, @straightforwardly, @hello-im-bi, @ctinadiva

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

time for a quick streamofthought i guess

so i got all my results back and i’m def getting into third year so thats good bc like, idk, i said that on a triangle of tranny, disowned, and drop out i could only handle two, so theres that. i didnt get any internships i applied for and idk what i should do i should spend more time in glasgow w finn at least, its good for my soul i think, im really excited to get a saas in and move out and just like, idk, i dont want to talk to my mother, shes made it v clear what she thinks of me and theres a lot of like, not-that-hard ways i could work to repair this relationship right now that i know about (esp on like, financial tension levels) but like, that doesnt mean that i want to forgive her? or that the way shes been treating me hasnt been like, traumatising, and im really trying hard rn for it not to be like a Trauma i think theres things i can do in as it happens so that like, idk it doesnt become a Big Trauma but idk its always going to be like ,a nerve at least yknow like being queer is like a lot of microtraumas sometimes for your entire life esp transness i think but like, i dont need to be told im a perv? i dont need to be like, examined like a piece of meat every time i stand up? i dont need her to drunkenly try to throw me out at 2am and her be talked down by her weirdo potstirring partner, i dont need her weirdo partner to physically threaten me. i dont need to overhear what she says about me. i dont need to forgive any of that. i dont need to have any relationship to her. ive already estranged my older (half) sister for how she acted. right. anyway. idk im excited to go hogwild w my studies and my SA stuff this year and just live for it. im gonna like try to manage my feral anxiety atm like i should go to the doc and be like hey i get panicky in weird episodes relating to trauma, instability, and road traffic accidents and i want some propranolol pls, but also like, i can take whatever like, downer-esque drugs im proffered but like, i still need something in the system so that i enjoy things so maybe i should like microdose acid or smthn like im not that fond of weed and like mandys not good for microdosing and im fecked to find a shroom guy in aberdeen its hard enough to find someone that sells acid anyway fucking coke city also i lost my passport and i cant buy booze or fags or go out and its killing me. anyway so home is shit maybe if i didnt go off saturn we couldve moved in together sooner but whatever i still need to get my exercise bike from them and also my fixie and im kinda out of shape rn but i had a wee episode and only ate peanut butter from the jar for a while but thats okay finn hasnt been online today and im worried they didnt make it to work but it’ll be okay i kinda want multiple of their friends to strap me but thats another matter entirely also i havent seen the poetry lesbian in a while and idk what my tiny gay heart is doing there idk i get like a lot of short intense crushes and thats fine but idk if its passing or just like, i havent seen her in a while also ive hooked up with my ex twice and also my mate and im kinda feral anyway i checked in on them when i got to aberdeen then someone else and i kinda have this idea that i could move in with them and help them w this Patch their in but its like,,,,probably not a good idea like they should live w someone but idk if that should be me. i need to go to sleep now so i get rest for this shift i picked up and then i gotta

transfer money

order bus tickets

arrange a blood test

get a copy of dianes p60 for the saas

maybe change my name on the uni system

apologise to onni bc they were stuck w me in a hostel for 2 days at the height of my manic episode and i didnt realise how annoying that could be and also i just wanna check how theyre doing in sweden now?

nap

[writeouttaluck]

Here is a story about my friend getting hit by a bus and then haunting said bus, per her request.

(this probably has a whole lot of spelling mistakes and stuff, but thats because i didnt feel like editing it. enjoy)

Two older men sat in their chairs in front of the bus depot. From their spot, they overlooked all the buses lined up beside each other. Today was a hot one, but otherwise, it was a pretty standard day.

All of a sudden they were both alerted to the sound of a Diesel engine. They glanced at the entrance to find a bus driving in pretty fast. The front of it was covered in something red and the driver behind the wheel looked really panicky.

When the bus stopped and the engine was shut off, the driver swung open the door and nearly sprinted out of it. He ran directly for the hose and bucket outside.

One of the older men just sipped their beer and watched, the other picked up a news paper. Neither of them seemed real concerned.

The young bus driver ran back over with the bucket full of water. In a quick motion, he threw its contents onto the front of the bus and started scrubbing the area with a sponge like his life depended on it. One of the old men set down their beer on the pavement and got up from their seat. He walked over to see what the bus driver was up to.

As he got closer, he quickly realized that the red stuff on the front was not quite what he imagined. It was thick, and syrupy, and it just swirled around on the surface instead of picking up.

The bus driver caught the old man watching him and in a quick motion, he spun around and faced him. He looked terrified.

The old man was still nonchalant about all this.

“What happened?” The old man asked.

“Oh, boss, it was horrible! I-I was doing my scheduled run around the city when all of a sudden this girl just ran out of nowhere!” The bus driver could hardly get the words out, he was shaking so bad.

“Ah, ok. I dont need to hear anymore. Well shit. Its been awhile since this happened…”

“Am I going to jail?!” The bus driver asked in fear.

“What? Of course not. Go grab the pressure washer from out back and use a lot of soap. Blood doesnt come off easy.”

The bus driver stopped for a second and looked at the old man in confusion. Was he crazy?

“S-sir… that woman was killed!”

The old man shook his head.

“She either killed herself or it was natural selection...did anyone see you?” He asked.

“I uh….I dont think so?”

“Great,” the old man started, “clean your bus and continue your run.”

…

It took longer than expected for Terry, the bus driver, to clean his issued vehicle. It was about an hour and a half washing job, and he was still pretty shaken up over it. He just couldnt get the image out of his head.

Like any other morning, Terry drove his bus down down hill to meet his first stop. It was a pretty quiet stop as not many people really used it. most people that lived in that area either drove or walked to work and other places. The bus just wasnt needed as much. Even though the stop seemed to be pretty empty, he figured he would stop there just incase someone was right by or running late. It happened sometimes.

What didnt usually happen though, was someone running into the street. Terry’s heart sank as he watched this small woman run directly in his line of drive. He slammed on the brakes though he knew he wouldnt be able to stop in time.

Everything slowed down as he watched the girl. She looked up at him from the road and smiled wide. She even moved her arms outwards like she was about to hug someone before it happened.

The bus hit her and her body flew out to the sidewalk, a crumpled heap of nothing. Blood had exploded all over his windsheild.

“O-Oh my god!” he yelled.

He knew that if he stuck around that he would get in trouble so he did what all people do when theyre scared and ran. He drove down the rest of the way and made a beeline for the bus depot.

The whole drive there he was gagging and crying and shaking and pretty much having a breakdown.

“W-what the fuck! What the FUCK!”

He shook his head and decided that before he went back to work that he was gonna get a cup of coffee. He hopped off his bus once more and went inside the building for the bus depot. The old man sat back and was doing something on the company computer. He looked away from the screen and watched Terry walk across to the coffee maker.

“Be careful about the coffee maker today. Its been a lot hotter than usual today. I think somethings wrong with it.”

“Yeah, sure” Terry responded.

Terry drank a lot of coffee so he was sure that it wasnt that bad. He grabbed a syrofoam cup and poured his coffee in before stiring in some suger and popping a lid on. He grabbed the coffee and actually started to feel the heat through the cup. It burned his hand a bit. Damn, maybe the old man was right. He wrapped some napkins around the cup before picking it up again. As he turned to walk out, he faced the old man.

“Well! Back to work!” He said sounding exhausted already.

The old man chuckled a bit.

“You will do fine, kid”

…

Terry was back in his bus and driving to his scheduled spots. He had the hot coffee sitting in his cupholder with the tab up so it could cool off. If it was too hot to touch, it was probably too hot to drink.

He went to stop on another hill across town. He slowed down before his brakes shuddered and his cup holder that extended outwards, broke free. Terry flinched as he expected boiling hot liquid to burst into his lap. But when non came, he glanced at the cup holder.

It had broke away completely. But his coffee cup and the napkins wrapped around it, stayed levitating in place.

He looked at it in wonder, trying to figure how tf his coffee was floating.

All of a sudden, he felt a cold chill run down his spine and he shivered. He grabbed the coffee cup out of the air. And like that, the cold went away.

Terry spoke out loud to himself.

“Well that was fuckin weird…”

…

Later on in the day, he was driving his bus with a few passengers scattered throughout. There was an old lady, a mother with her kid, and a teenage boy with his hood up listening to his headphones.

It was rush hour now and the streets were pretty busy. Terry was already behind schedule, but he had been rushing to make up for it all day. He even cut a few corners and took side streets when he could.

At the moment, he was speeding up the street. Not too fast, but not exactly safe either. He was going about 50 when a big pick up truck pulled out of an alleyway and right in front of him. In a panic, Terry swung the wheel to the left in an attempt to avoid an accident. As he started left, a car in the left lane beside him was almost shoved off the road and into a high curb. He quickly realized that there was no way out of this when he felt the cold again.

The wheel was yanked out of his grip and his first thought was that he had lost his power steering.

However, as he fought the steering wheel that seemed to be steering itself, the bus swung around the pick up and past the car beside him in a near miss of a maneuver.

When the bus straightened out, the cold faded away and he regained control of the steering wheel.

Once he realized that everything was fine, he looked in his overhead mirror to check on his passengers.

“Is everybody alright?”He yelled to the back.

The mom, while she looked a bit frightened, nodded her head quickly while the old lady just smiled. The teenager in the back didnt appear to realize what had just happened at all.

Terry let out a sigh of relief and kept on his way, making sure to stay the speed limit.

…

This was the part that Terry always hated about his job. The last stop was near a really bad neighborhood and, considering he was about an hour behind, it was now dark outside. He gave out a long sigh and drove through the area. Cars sat on cinderblocks, garbage fires raged about in the alleyways. Most of the streetlights had that old, orange glow to them. Most of them flickered.

The bus stop was right ahead and Terry noticed a group of young gentlemen sitting on by, watching him pull up intently. Something about the way they watched him come to a stop unsettled Terry. He didnt have a great feeling about this.

He stopped the bus and opened the door and the gentlemen climbed on. However, instead of moving to a seat, they stopped up near Terry.

Before he could say anything, one of them whipped out a large knife and aimed at him.

“Close the door and drive, fat man”

Terry, feeling now obligated to follow the mans request now that there was a large sharp object aimed at his neck, did exactly as he was told. As soon as the bus started moving again, One of the men moved to the money box and tried opening it.

“Hey bus man, open yo fuckin box here”

Terry now started sweating as he realized he cant.

“Uh, S-sorry fellas! I cant do that. Its locked and the only key for it is at the depot.” He spoke trying to keep his eyes on the road.

“Bullshit!” the 3rd man in the back said.

The guy with the knife tapped the blade on the box.

“Open this box, before i open you.”

Thats when Terry felt a cold chill for the 3rd time today. Only this time, It seemed to be coming from the door instead.

The blade in the mans hand suddenly bent itself all the way to the left, before snapping off completley and skating towards the back of the bus.

“What the fuck?” the Criminal said.

“Im tired of fucking around!” the 2nd one said. He drew his gun and aimed it at the lock box before he felt something hit his wrist hard.

“Fuck!!” he yelled in pain as he dropped his pistol.

The third man watched as all of this continued while he stood against the door, still on the stairs.

The door whipped open and he felt something grab his tank top from behind. He was suddenly thrown from the moving bus. The other two men turned to look at what was happening before the bus braked hard. The two men were thrown against the glass of the windsheild. Then, the gas got stomped down and the two men were flung into the metal bars behind them, getting knocked out cold.

They slumped to the floor of the bus.

Terry watched as they were flung out of the bus like their friend before. The doors slammed shut behind them.

At this, Terry wanted to know what the fuck was going on with his bus.

He drove up ahead a bit before pulling into an alleyway and stopping. He stood out of his seat and flipped on the overhead lights.

“Ok, What the fuck is going on here”

He felt like an idiot when he got no immediate response.

“I know theres something here. Dont play dumb with me. Ill have this fucking bus scrapped!”

Again, no response.

Terry was about to give up and drive back to the depot when a mysterious fog formed from nothing in his bus. The temperature dropped drastically. It wasn't just a cold chill, it was freezing.

The windows fogged over, blocking his sight to the outside world. He started rubbing his shoulders as he began to regret his thirst for knowledge.

A large puff of smoke plumed from the back of the bus and a figure moved through it.

Terry was one step from attempting a jump out of his windshield before he gave the figure a closer look.

The figure was the girl from this morning! The one that ran into his bus!

“Ayyy, what it do.” She spoke waving off the fog with her spector hand.

“Its fucking smokey in here, what is up with that”

Terry felt a mixture of fear and confusion at the sight before him.

“Y-y-youre t-t-t-that g-girl-!”

She cut him off real quick.

“Yeah, heh, sorry about that. I didnt realize what kind of mess my body would leave like that”

Terry was 90% sure at this point that he had finally lost his marbles.

“Anyways,” She continued on, “Im a ghost now, and since you were able to help me end my shitty existence like that, I want to help you”

Terry gained a bit of confidence at these words, for whatever reason.

“Help me with what?” He inquired.

“With your job, dude!”

Terry stood for a moment and thought about it.

“So let me get this straight, You want to help me with my job because you were able to kill yourself using my bus? Is that right?”

The ghost, unnecessarily leaned her shoulder on one of the metal poles in the bus.

“Yeah, thats pretty much it.”

“Huh...:” Terry thought aloud.

They both sat in silence for a minute before Terry shook his head.

“Wait, wait a second. How do i know youre really a ghost and that this isnt just some wild guilt hallucination?”

To answer Terry’s question, The ghost walked forward and moved straight through Him. Terry grabbed onto his own body and twisted in horror before The ghost walked back through the same way.

“Alright! I believe you! Enough of that!” He yelled.

“So, we got a deal?” The ghost asked as she raised her hand up to him in proposition.

He grabbed her hand, somehow and shook it.

“Whats your name, anyways?” Terry asked the spector.

“Jada” the ghost responded.

[kgstyr]

So if y’all for some reason want to hear about my Hurricane Florence story, then you’ve come to the right place. I raveled with my mother and eldest sister on our evacuation journey, while my sister and her husband and kid stayed home.

I’ll put it under a read more if you don’t want to read all of it, but just know it was a wild ride. And plz do me a forgive bc my memory is kinda shitty and selective so im prob missing great moments.

We left on the September 13th a little after 10 in the morning, but before we had even left, the outer bands of Florence were bearing down on us and we had already lost power.

We rode through the town of Swansboro, were the water was already high enough to lap the bottom of the tiny bridge into the town (even tho its low to begin with) even tho it wasn’t going to make landfall til the next morning.

/Now for all of you who don’t know about hurricanes, they usually only last 24-36 hours. It lasted for over 4 days. When hurricanes linger like that, it only makes it worse, even though Florence was only a category 1, it felt more powerful./

We kept driving, past Jacksonville, but until we got past there, I can’t tell you how many times the radio went off for Tornado Warnings (at least 4) up and down the coast of NC within an hour or so. I’ve been through a number of Hurricanes and Tropical Storms, but hearing all those warnings were a bit unnerving. Flood warnings started popping up as well, and as hard as it started raining I believed it happened that fast.

We drove up there pretty much without incident (we are direction illiterate, so almost without incident) up to the city of Pinehurst/Southern Pines, and stayed up in a hotel there for about 3 days. The first day was p good, we chilled up there- the drivers were aggressive as FUCK like run you off the road- it was real pretty with tall Carolina Pines and worldstar golf courses, just like country club on steroids.

The bed was kinda uncomfy and the window leaked a lil bit, but otherwise the first night was a good rest after a long day of driving.

But the next morning (or two, days get away from me), we went to the lobby to rent the room for another night, only for them to tell us that they had booked our room that day, so we had to leave. We were mad as hell, but we couldn't fight it given as we were in unknown territory, so we packed up our stuff and got ready to leave- only to tell us that they had gotten mixed up and that we could stay another night.

Needless to say, we were not happy about having to unpack, then repack, then unpack again.

When they said Florence was slow moving, y’all don’t understand how slow. usually, when hurricanes hit land, they may slow down for a bit, but they speed up and are usually carried out by the jet streams or approaching fronts within a day. It moved slower than 6 mph: ppl can walk faster than that.

The second day, it started raining where we were, and at first it was sporadic outer bands, but soon it become constant with fluctuating torrential downpours. By the end of the second day, the rains and wind had picked up enough to knock out the power to out hotel for an hour or so.

And the same thing happened with the hotel the next morning: they said they had booked our room, but then apologized and said that we can stay. This time at least we didn’t pack up before that.

Now, we went up to the Sandhills to get away from the flooding on the coast, but it came to us. The rain was pouring, and not letting up, and we went under a flash flood emergency nearly continuously from the second day onward, and evacuations across the county were in effect. After the third or fourth day, we decided to leave the area bc all of the water that was rising and evacuations.

After we had left the hotel area, we passed the town of Aberdeen, and we ended up pulling over at a gas station to look at the map (remember: direction illiterate family here) and that’s when I told my mother the famous line

“We should go back to Aberdeen, Mama.” Saying that we knew our way back home

But she decided not to, saying that we couldn’t go back because of the weather. We tried to travel south a lil bit to skirt around an area that was flooded, but we ended up getting pushed down way father south than we anticipated due to impassable areas and flooding, and we ended up on the outskirts of Rockingham. After riding around for hours, trying to find a way out, we ended up at a shelter for the night at the local high school because conditions had deteriorated to an unsafe level, and we were directed by some very nice highway patrolmen to where the shelter is.

None of us had even stayed in a shelter before, so it was a new experience for all of us. The people running the place were nice, but damn some of the ppl were annoying.

I now hate cots, and my Mama and sister hate them too. I really couldn’t sleep on it b/c of the steel rods in my back (scoliosis) and Mama has bad arthritis, so it wasn’t a pleasant night.

It got worse when Rockingham and the county started experiencing massive flash flooding in the middle of the night, and we were up half the night listening to the weather and keeping an eye out just in case we need to evacuate from the shelter. It became a lil more nerve-wracking when evacuees from other counties (like Horry, SC) were transported to our shelter. It was semi- peaceful at the shelter til like 10 other people were brought in.

I had said this several times by this point, but while we were trying to rest on horrid cots, I told Mama: “We’ve should’ve gone back to Aberdeen.”

Long night short, we were semi- kicked out in the morning, and we packed up our stuff and loaded up the car again, having made a soft plan the night before to head to the next town of Hamlet.

We were so tired and fed up and ready to go the hell home that when the car didn’t start, we all started hardcore panicking, and me and my mama, at least, are not panicky people. At first, we thought the car had gotten flooded from all the rain, but after a quick look around we concluded that that was not it, unless someone had just poured a bucket of water on our engine.

After several minutes of pulling each other’s hair out, we found out that the car just needed some oil. Either the long ride up the Sandhills had burned it all and we had rolled it in on fumes last night, or my sister didn’t exactly tell the truth when she said the car was fully oiled up.

Probably both, but that’s not the point (she is a special gurl no hate plz she tries her best).

After that, we stopped at the nearest Burger King in Hamlet and we tried to plot a course home, this time, trying to shoot straight up towards Asheboro and then going around Raleigh and coming home, because by this point other ppl from my hometown that had evacuated to Raleigh had come home from that route.

We left about 11:30-ish. We got as close to Asheboro as the city of Candor (google map it im bad at distance) and then got stuck on this loop for hours between Rockingham and Asheboro.

Literally at least 6 hours. A good chunk of that was trying to get to a town called Candor. We never found it nor made it.

At this point we were all at our wits end, screaming and yelling at each other (out of love ofc) because we are all so bad at directions that we can’t follow a straight line-

We stopped for dinner at somewhere, I can’t remember where, I think at Rockingham again, and then-

“We should go back to Aberdeen.” I say, and Mama laughs and asks why in hell we should go back. I told her that we had stayed in that area for multiple days and that I knew where the hotels in that area (Aberdeen, Pinehurst, Southern Pines, etc.) were-

It was nearly 6, and we were tired and exhausted and running low on money, so Mama agreed, because she didn’t want to spend another night in a shelter.

And, like I said, we couldn’t turn onto a straight line, so we got lost trying to find a hotel, but by a stroke of a lucky piece of my memory, I remembered where a Holiday Inn Express was in the city of Southern Pines, and we managed to find out way there in a darker-than-expected city. 

It was about 8:30 at night, and we were ready to just fucking perish when me and my sister went into the lobby, and asked the front manager if a room was available.

She said no, because a large part of the city had lost power itself and everybody in the town had crowded into the hotels. I felt my stomach drop just a tiny amount because we had been through direction illiterate hell to get there, just to not have a room for the night.

We asked her if there was any other hotel with a vacancy, and she checked and told us the nearest vacancy was in Durham, well over a hundred miles away. My sister, ever the conversationalist, ended up asking her if there was any way we could just crash in the lobby tonight. She said sure. So, we went out to tell Mama that we could stay in the lobby, and we got what we needed for the night to rest in the lobby.

We fully expected to be in the lobby all night, but then the desk lad left for a bit and told us that even though she wasn’t a housekeeper, she could clean a recently vacated room for us that night. We even got it for cheaper since we couldn’t afford the full price.

Lemme tell you, that was the quickest I’ve ever fallen asleep on a bed, and it was a gucci pillowtop bed too like 4 feet into the air, much better than the first hotel. Breakfast was a bit sparse, but that was understandable since power was limited throughout the city. We thanked her repeatedly for what she did; she had no obligation to actually get us a room, but she pulled a rabbit out of her Miracle Hat and gave us a good 8 hour night of deep sleep.

“See?” I said. “We should’ve gone back to Aberdeen.” My new favorite meme. Even though it was the next town over, it still counts as Aberdeen, right?

Over breakfast and leading up to our checkout time, we plotted our way home, and we headed out and started driving home at noon. And since we can’t follow our own directions, it was a tense few 10 miles or so before we got out onto open highway.

It took us a while, because our car is an older car and can’t get up the Sandhills that well, but we started seeing flatter land, and it was a blessed sight.

Mama saw a sign for the city of Benson, and she turned off the exit to go towards that city because she knew her way home from there.

Except like 300 feet from where she turned, the right front tire blew out. WE were nearly halfway home, and our fucking tire blows out. At the very least, I am thankful that it blew out 300 feet onto the exit and not 300 feet back, because if it had blown out on the Interstate we would’ve more than likely have crashed and killed bc no modern safety features on this old piece of beautiful junk.

We managed to roll it into a gas station on the left on the rim, the tire pushed inward and leaving the metal exposed, and that’s when we all had a coming to Jesus moment because back in Rockingham? Filling up the oil was a simple fix. Tire blowing out? We couldn’t do that on our own.

My sister went into the gas station to ask the clerk to call a nearby mechanic, while me and mama refilled our snacks then sat outside on a patio while we waited. Not 15 minutes later, an old, hunchbacked man came into an old, black truck that looked like it needed some repairs itself to check our tires.

Thank goodness that it was only hat one tire than had blowed out, having somehow been slashed all the way around. My sister, the socialite, told him about our harrowing journey up til that point, and I’m sure he could see the complimentary American Red Cross blankets strewn across the backseat along with everything else.

He only charged $40 for a used tire, a bad lugnut, and labor, which was amazingly cheap. He would only take $40, and he did a pretty damn good job because the ride was much smoother after that, and he even pointed out that the tires were misaligned. We got back on the highway, and started driving again.

The hills had started to flatten out when we got into Wayne county, and the trip was winding and calming down from all of our experiences earlier, but then we started to see signs of actual damage from Florence, not just rain and flooded roads.

It started out as just some snapped tree limbs, then smaller trees, then shingles and metal ripped off roofs and large trees snapped in half- and the smell- if you’ve ever smelt like, water mold or water that wasn’t were it was supposed to be (out of its basin), it was rancid and ripe, and not even rolling up the windows could keep it out of the air. I’ll never forget the smells.

The road was brown along lower areas, signs of recent standing water, and it was really visible as we went by Goldsboro. We didn’t go into the city because we had heard about the flooding, but we could literally smell the destruction.

It continued all the way thru Kinston, the smell of water mold and downed trees and damaged structures- we had to stop in New Bern to get some groceries because there were no more stores open after that stop to our city, and we went into a Food Lion in New Bern. There wasn’t much in there, but we got a few Pepsis and things, along with a tiny styrofoam cooler.

There prices were a little high, so we didn’t buy as much as we had planned on- plus their store was getting rather bare.

Someone stole a bottle of alcohol while we were in there, and that made us get the heck out of dodge super fast. Around that time, we had been passed by a fleet of 21 police cars/ SUVS heading towards New Bern and past it, lights on but no sirens.

We saw a few scattered in New Bern, Havelock, Newport- to stop the rioting and looting from earlier from happening again. When the news says people are looting these cities, they really are. New Bern had a lot of side roads closed, the road was a bit raggedy, and you could see what the constant winds did to the siding and roofs of structures.

Also I think one of those cops caught a guy we saw deliberately run a red light. Justice does work, people.

New Bern was bad, Havelock was worse. Nearly all of their side roads were closed, and over half of their street lights were off, which was not good for driving at like 10 at night. We saw cops lining a side street, and we just assumed that they were doing criminal shenanigans down there.

Plus I forgot to mention, frogs were everywhere. It was too dark to see them, but you could hear them for several counties in standing water. They were having frog orgies, I guess.

We knew the Newport River in Newport had flooded, so when the smell of river flooding was ripe, we knew where we were at. A lot more trees were down, and the road was dirty and brown with tree branches brushed to the middle lane or the side of the road, from what we could see in the dark.

My city  looked like someone took a fucking AOE chainsaw and went down the street and cut all the trees but with bad aim. The closer to the waterfront, the more it was obvious that there was damage, as quite a number of houses had gaping homes in their roofs.

The sister that stayed told us that the day after the storm, it looked like a bomb went off in the city, and even though they had gotten the worse of it off the roads and stuff by the time we got back, I believe that. The structures along the waterfront were flooded with the storm surge, and the cites across the Sound bore the brunt of it.

The power came back on for us just a few hours before we arrived home after 5 days of being gone, so it seems like we have perfect timing for that. Before the power started coming back on, it was like the county was a third world country Africa-style (still kinda is!) with the roads flooded making them cutoff from the outside world.

When people say they need donations, they need them. I’ve never had to go into a church to get a hot meal, but now I have. I’ve never slept in a shelter to get away from a natural disaster, but now I have. I’ve never gone to a store to scrounge around for food to restock our nearly empty shelves with, but now I have.

We didn’t get it nearly as bad as Wilmington, or Fayetteville, or Lumberton, but in the grand scheme, all the cities were affected in some way. 

Speaking of Lumberton, at the first hotel we met a very nice and polite black woman from the city of Lumberton, who said she lost everything in Matthew and was praying she didn’t lose everything this time. If she lost it all in Matthew, hen she probably lost everything including the kitchen sink this time as well. I hope there’s something left for her.

Also my Laptop broke (stupid Microsoft updates) at the first hotel on teh first night.

My apartment building sustained some damage (I wouldn’t call it major, but definitely some repairs are needed). It’s 2-story, and I’ve spent an hour today picking up some shingles and paint chips that had flown off the roof and onto the front side. Nobody else was gonna do it, and I didn’t want little kids to step on one with a nail in it and hurt themselves, and plus I wanted to help.

The wood for the balcony for the second definitely needs to be replaced, actually most of the balconies will need to be replaced, and the porch and lawn lights needs fixing bc many of them are bent or gone. A couple of apartments need extensive repairs in the back, and the trees that have snapped needs to be picked up- and the potholes need to be filled as well, but we’ve all been complaining for over 10 years to get them fixed and they haven’t been solved, and now there’s more- part of the sidewalk/driveway is gone somewhere.

The park across from us needs to have the trees picked up off of it, and it needs to be inspected so it’s safe for the kiddos. It could’ve been a lot worse if Florence hadn’t weakened, if it had stalled any longer.

IDK why u read all of this but for that I give u smooches. I guess this is just why I won’t be evacuating again unless its a Cat 5 barreling down on my ass because this was just 2 stressful 4 my frag ile ass. I guess if you wanna know more u can dm me but hey im just tryna survive in a third world city in America like the best boi i can be.

Just wanna shoutout the hotel desk girl who got us a room, the old tire man who spared out thin wallets and speedy service and that lady from Lumberton who I hope at least is somewhere warm and safe because GOTDAMN was our shelter cold as hell, like I felt like it was a solid 40 degrees in there. Plus all the little peeps along the way who helped us out in minor ways.

Also did I mention ppl driving in the Sandhills are rude and aggressive as hell? Yes? Well, I’m saying this again. They are the kind of ppl to road rage ur ass.

Just keep the smaller cities in the wide circle of Florence’s thot circle of destruction.

Yeet dabs

               ~Jek

[tumblunni]

Oh and just to clarify that the long time it took for me to get this surgery isnt a sign the nhs is bad or anything! I just had complications due to my life situation. Cos of my autism and anxiety i REALLY REALLY cant cope with having surgery done on me while im awake, even if im numbed up. The panic reaction is so strong and involuntary that i cant stop shaking and risk messing up the surgery becaue of it, not to mention the chamce of doing worse damage to myself in a panic attack. So i had to specifically be sent to the main hospital and receive overnight anesthetic, and i had to have a longer stay than usual because i live alone with no parents or lifr partner who could watch over me during my recovery. So the actual surgery itself just took three hours and the worst part was the anxiety of having to wait about 18 more hours in a busy hospital feeling perfectly fine but unable to go home until the observation period had passed and also til i was able to get a lift home with my psychologist. I am SO grateful she was able to support me with this!! So yeah i basically had to have the ultra deluxe complicated version of the regular surgery which also had to correlate with a time my psychologist would be free, and thats why ut was hard for them to find a time to schedule it. And most of the waiting was initially because of me being a dumbass and being too afraid to tell anyone i was in pain and too afraid to go to the doctor. I think it must have been almost four years of that? And then it was just a two year wait of going thru pre-assessments and waiting for a time slot for this final full operation. Which is still a frustrating time to wait but i understand tat the circumstances made it difficukt and also this isnt really an emergency surgery so yeah. I was just making a lot of frustrated posts about it over the last few years cos the waiting PROCESS is really bad, yknow? You barely get any information on how long you have to wait, its just all left up in the air that it could be any time in the next year and yoy'll get a very short notice letter right when its about to happen and npthing else for months at a time. And the automated phone service is badly made and yeah basically just a bunch of lame decisions made by the accounting section of the company that ended up increasing my anxiety, lol.

But seriously id way rather have this than having "only if you can pay for it" surgery! I mean when i finally got there it was all SO amazing and hi tech and highly staffed and everyone was so nice and it was all so fast and efficient and really comfy and everyone made you feel at home and you got a private cubicle with a lockable door and free food like 5 times a day like holy shit they wouldnt stop giving me The Best Toast In The World and my throat hurt but i felt it woulf be impolute to not Honor Their Toastly Kindness! So many of my worries about the experience were totally unfounded dumb hollywood myths that dont happen at all in british hospitals. And they still manage to run such a well oiled machine of amazing professionals and above excellent patient service despite how bad our economy is right now! I overheard them talking about jow their budget is lower ths year and i was like "holy shit but you guys are so amazong?? How do you manage??" I cant even imagine what it must have been like back when doctors got better salaries! Seriously they just WOULD NOT STOP PAMPERING ME it was so WEIRD!!! Comfy adjustable beds and reclining super soft sofa and this whole personal room and people coming in with trolleys full of a wide selection of really damn amazing breakfast foods and they even gave you special comfort socks for the long time of bed rest to avoid ankle swelling and they were like friggin cinderella scene insisting on putting the socks on for you?? I felt so embarassed in the good way for once! Blushing cos it was total prince treatment! And none of that "oh drugs are so expensive you have to go without necessary medicine in order to pay the bills" shit, they kept offering me optional medicines thatd make every part of the surgery easier and were like "please dont worry about accepting them, its the government's job to make sure youre free of pain so just be honest if youre feeling bad". But seriously the surgery was all so swift and done with great precision and i had such kind care and warm drinks and SO MUCH JAM ON MY TOAST that i felt like my mouth was okay even without the extra painkiller dose. And then i expected id just have to buy my own paracetamol once i was discharged from surgery but they gave me a big box of extra strength jaw surgery specific paracetamol for free! All of this was free! I got free goddamn cosmetic reconstruction on my teeth that i never even asked for and i was like holy shit when i looked in the mirror lol. I just expected everything to be gone but they put this reconstructive cap thing to replace the front teeth just jn case i was worried about the appearance of the gap between them. And SO MUCH goddamn free food holy shit im so toasted out! And free tv and wifi and showers and a warm comfy sofa and just a nice day of chilling out in a very weird sort of luxury hotel, lol. And the gift shop was also super cheap and full of necessities! And the nurse was so kind that i was able to hand her the money and she went to the gift shop for me when i was too dizzy to walk. I needed new headphones cos mine broke on the way there, and she got me a staff discount on them and picked out the cutest best pair! UNICORN DRAGON PATTERN!! Im gonna keep them FOREVER holy shit they look so cool and for a £1 discount pack they have sonmuch better sound quality and noise cancellation than the more expensive ones i had before. And the whole gesture just really touched me, it cheered me up so much to have a giggle at some adorable fashion headphones and see my nurse jamming along to ed sheeran to test that they worked, and she was just so sassy and jokey and we even had a contest between all of the nurses comparing our silly socks! Seriously it was just SO welcoming and unscary and had a lot more privacy than i expected and a lot less heavy restrictions and stuff and jusy EVERYONE WAS SO NICE AND SO GOOD AT THEIR JOB and did i mention THE BEST TOAST EVER

So yeah i dont think im scared of hospitals anymore. And i feel guilty about all the panicky posts i made before i went in for this operation, i hope i didnt give anyone the wrong impression that i was some longknowing person making factual complaints about the nhs as opposed to a first time hospital visitor with anxiety who was imagining every possible way it could go wrong. Absolutely none of my fears happened and it was way nicer than i ever imagined! Im kinda looking forward to the followup appointment in 2 weeks just so i can say thank you again and also have more money to buy some spares of those good headphones from the gift shop.

I hope everyone else out there who has to deal with medical disasters gets doctors just as nice as these ones!!!