#but im postponing my breakdown about that for later

[unusualshrimp]

love how these days my only 2 genres of personal post are "everything is so much and im so tired of it all and it doesnt stop" and "i hung out with a nice leaf today 🍃🥰"

[starimusprime]

im curious, considering the way you write oplita (which is beautiful btw if i could, id give ur fics a kissie on the forehead) how would you portray their relationship in a sequel to tf:1?? (hopefully we’ll get a sequel 😞😞)

OOOOOO THIS QUESTIONNNN

First of all thank you so much for your compliment! I love writing them so so much, they are utter perfection in my eyes and I will never find enough content focused on them.

Ok ok. REALISTICALLY, this is ONE idea of how I would personally write the progression of their friendship into a romance, keeping in mind that I've only got roughly 2 hours to do so alongside a bunch of other character arcs and the main plot.

TF ONE SPOILERS BELOW

I would spend some time in the beginning and sprinkled throughout the rest of the film exploring the aftermath of D-16's betrayal and Orion's rapid switch from dying by his best friend's hand to being revived as Optimus Prime. I imagine that such an abrupt change - and in the middle of dying a HORRIFIC DEATH - would leave Optimus with some (maybe temporary) mental and emotional issues to work through, with the reformatting of his frame on top of that.

In the beginning, Elita is a steadfast friend (as opposed to a fair weather friend) and helps him lead the Autobots in order to ease his mental load. Secretly (maybe she reveals this to Jazz) she keeps thinking about the fact that she would have jumped into the Well of AllSparks after Orion if B-127 hadn't stopped her. It bothers her until later on when some smaller event triggers her to realize that she loves Optimus as more than just a friend. She fears that if she tells him this too soon, she could overwhelm him or scare him off (since he's still dealing with the extreme trauma he recently endured), and this results in her subconsciously distancing herself from him.

Up to this point, Optimus might have been trying to assure Elita that he's fine and genuinely believing that he is. But now when he feels the effect of Elita being less present with him (maybe he has an emotional breakdown or smth and she isn't there like she usually is) he has the realization that not only is he not fine, but he cannot work through everything alone, and most importantly there is no one he would rather do this with than Elita.

Cue mutual pining, Elita doesn't want to overwhelm him with her feelings, Optimus doesn't want to make Elita feel pressured to reciprocate his feelings because he's the Prime, then insert climactic battle with the Decepticons or sabotage mission against the Quintessons or whatever here. Big things happen, and there it is. Optimus needs to make a decision. It could be emotionally taxing, or bring his trauma back to the surface, or what have you. But Elita is there, and she is his reason to push himself aside and fight, or make the decision he needs to make for the good of Cybertron.

After the climax, they both understand that life is too short and fate too unpredictable to postpone something as important confessing one's love for another. It wouldn't be the primary element of the end of the film, but they would have a moment, tense at first (maybe Elita disobeyed an order that got her injured in the battle and Optimus was mad at her for almost dying, but now he's just grateful that she's okay). Tension would give way to awkwardness or shyness as they talk quietly about something war-related, until finally one of them opens up, incapable of holding in their true feelings any longer. The other would be startled by the abrupt confession, but then it all makes sense.

Maybe they wouldn't kiss in that moment...but they definitely would in a post-credits scene!

[vaultscavver]

wasteland, baby!

falloutober day one: WAR NEVER CHANGES. 2k / ( eventual sole survivor x hancock x maccready )

a/n: thank you @falloutober for the amazing october word prompts! ive been excited about this challenge for months, and ive already plotted out an entire series to work with falloutober that im super excited to share! so, without further ado, welcome to my pet project, “wasteland, baby!”

xx, scavver

SYNOPSIS — A nuclear apocalypse should have been the end of the world in 2077. But two hundred and ten years later, humanity is still clawing at the brink of survival, scraping instinct from underneath their fingernails and wiping irradiated sweat from wasteland-marred foreheads. The year is now 2287; natural resources have mutated, people are as irrational as ever, and a pre-war vault dweller emerges from a pod in which she had been frozen for the last two centuries. The Sole Survivor of Vault 111 has hell to pay, and who better to join her pursuit of revenge than a red-coated ghoul mayor searching for a purpose and a gunslinging sharpshooter with too many debts to pay?

─ ─── ──── ─── ♠ ─── ──── ─── ─

The world ended in 2077.

It wasn’t a surprise for anyone. Nothing lasts forever. 

There’s always an end, a lowering of a pencil after tracing a careful circle. There are preserved pieces of time frozen on display for people to reminisce about. But when something expires past it's intended use, does it count as dead? Is it really lasting if it's pointless? Does something need to have a purpose to be alive or has humanity just been trained to believe so?

Watching the orange skies darken with the mushroom clouds of a nuclear war, Eleanor Mercer couldn’t help but feel expired. She held her five-month-old son in her arms as the elevator lowered them into the ground, where Vault 111 would save them from the war waging above ground.

She had only been granted the elite spot in the Vault because her late husband, Nathaniel Mercer, had died on duty and granting Nora a place in the Vault was the government’s way of compensation.

Never mind that Nora could scarcely afford their suburban lifestyle on her own, or that their infant son was now fatherless.

She had planned to move back in with her parents in the country, maybe go back to medical school, try to build a happier future for her son.

The large elevator doors closed with a resounding slam.

Her neighbors, an assortment of military personnel and government officials, were crying and holding onto each other as they descended. Nora barely recognized any of them, and now they had to hide away in a Vault together for who even knows how long.

Expired. Gone. Over.

Nora’s tongue tasted metallic, adrenaline postponing a complete breakdown. Was that it? Was it all worth nothing? Their entire lives, just… blown up?

Selfishly, she thought about the boxes in her living room that were still half-packed, full of treasures and knick-knacks that she wished she had taken with her. Books, pillows, Nate’s guitar, her son’s favorite blanket. Maybe some onesies, or at least diapers, for her baby — her baby who was squealing, gurgling as he cried into her chest.

Snapping into focus, Nora readjusted her hold on him, quietly soothing his cries and rubbing her palm over his back in an effort to comfort the infant. Slowly, just as slow as their descending elevator, his whining lulled and his eyes closed, half-asleep against his mom’s shoulder, unaware of the uncertainty in the world.

This didn’t feel like an ending. It felt like it could be an ending. It was a semicolon; a sentence that is pulled longer than it should have, words added on and on and layered atop one another, when in reality, Nora wasn’t completely sure any of it was worth writing at all.

To Nora, the world had ended just as it started; with a bang, a flash, and a deep-rooted emotional scar that would last eternities. 

The elevator stopped; the first family out were the Russos, with their small crowd of children. Mrs. Russo found the Vault Overseer and was immediately demanding to contact their in-laws to see who survived, while Mr. Russo tried to herd their kids into following the orders of the Vault Technicians. 

Other families were smaller and quieter, following instructions without question. Nora followed close behind neighbors whose names she didn’t know, at the rear of the group, heading through the Vault’s entryway and into a room lined with pods that reminded Nora of small spacecrafts.

This room was significantly colder than the entryway, and the baby started to cry again.

Kissing his forehead and rocking him gently, Nora trembled, struggling to keep calm. "It's okay, sweetheart. Mommy's here, see? We'll all be okay. We’ll all be okay.”

No matter how many times she repeated the words, she couldn’t convince herself.

Glancing around at the lines of pods they were told they would be decontaminated in before moving to the deeper sections of Vault 111, Nora couldn't help but wonder if "okay" was the same word as before.

Next to them, a Vault Tech Doctor cleared his throat, stepping forward with a fake smile. "Sorry to interrupt, Mrs Mercer... But it's vital that you put on your new Vault Suit. And, please, step in here..." He gestured to the pod to Nora's left and she nodded once, absently.

The doctor gave her a folded pile of clothes and moved on, giving the same pile to all the other residents that had been able to enter the Vault.

The jumpsuit was a slick and heavy material that stretched easily in her hands, smelling like disinfectant. The whole Vault reeked of a hospital, actually — the metallic white walls were crisp, bright orange railing blocking the mounds of wires and tech beside each pod. There was a loud ambient sound like an air conditioning system on full blast, but Nora couldn’t locate where it was coming from. 

One of the neighbors whose name she didn’t know offered to hold the baby while Nora dressed into the blue jumpsuit, prepping for decontamination in the pod.

"He'll be okay, right?" Nora asked the doctor as she took the baby back, shifting uncomfortably in the skin-tight suit, "The, uh, the cleansing won't hurt him?"

"Not at all!" The doctor ushered them into the pod, "Vault Tech decontamination regimes are perfectly safe for both you and your little one. Now, take your time! We have all day."

Nora slid into the seat of her pod, resting her back against the soft pads, holding Shaun close. The door closed heavily, locking them in the pod.

Her throat started to close up, panic seizing at her chest, and she struggled to make herself breathe, to calm down, to be strong for her son.

"The pod will decontaminate and depressurize you before we head deeper into the Vault." The doctor's voice was robotic and altered as he spoke through the closed door, pressing buttons on the side of the pod. He gave Nora another fake smile, "Just relax." 

"Time for a whole new life." Nora murmured to the baby, once again rubbing his back soothingly. 

She wondered about all the work they’d put into the things they surely lost; would her son be happy here? Did they have all of the materials and necessities to properly care for a baby? How long would they be there? Would her son grow up underground, learn to read here, learn to live here? Would he get a chance to pursue a life for himself? Or would they be mindless worker bees for the rest of their lives?

"Resident secure." The Vault 111 Computer spoke through speakers imbedded into the inside of the pod. "Occupant vitals: Normal. Procedure complete in five... four... three... two..."

Nora never got to hear the final number of the countdown. Frost arose on the inside of the pod, coating the glass and sending goosebumps rising on her arms as she panted, finding it difficult to breathe. Before she could even wonder what was going on, why it was suddenly so cold, her vision went white, and her body became stiff. 

Her consciousness distorted, like she was balancing between sleep and awake, knowing only the foggy darkness of the freezing pod.

"Manual Override Initiated." The computer's voice spoke again, and Nora gasped as feeling returned to her fingers and nose. Was that it? Was she pressurized and ready for her new life at Vault 111? Why was it so cold? "Cryogenic stasis completed."

Panting, Nora struggled to move her arms, to lift the baby and check on him, but she felt so... stiff... heavy... like her entire body was asleep... she could hardly breathe, hardly move, hardly see... Her vision slowly came back in, blurry and distorted, but good enough to see two mysterious figures approaching her pod.

"This is the one," a woman's voice spoke out of a hazmat suit, pointing towards them. "Right here!"

Were they worried about the baby? Where was the doctor?

The second figure was a man wearing a brown leather jacket and biker pants, with odd straps crossing over his chest and back, adorned with so many weapons it was hard for Nora to even name them all. He had a pistol in his right hand, and his left hand flexed at the holster on his hip. He examined the pod, then turned to the woman. "Well? Open it."

Pressing a few buttons, the woman released the locks on the pod, opening the wide door. Steam rolled out Nora was sent into an immediate coughing fit, holding her son tightly against her chest. He was crying again, screaming against her jumpsuit, and she could barely move well enough to soothe him.

Continuing to cough, her voice ragged and hoarse, she looked wide-eyed between the two mysterious figures, her eyebrows drawn. “Is… is it over? Are we okay?”

“Almost.” The leather-clad man stepped forward; hands braced against her shoulder to keep her from stepping out of her pod. “Everything is going to be fine.”

The woman in the hazmat suit approached cautiously, hands extended. “It’s okay, hon. Just give me the baby.”

“What?” Nora croaked, wheezing, holding her son tighter. “No, I’ve got him.”

"Just give him to me." The woman coaxed softly, wrapping her gloved hands around the baby’s middle. "Everything will be okay, just hand him over."

"No, wait — No!" Her protective fury took over as she gripped her son tighter, struggling against the woman’s advances.

"Let the boy go." The man said, and as Nora turned, she met the barrel of a gun, inches from her eyes. "I'm only going to tell you once."

As Nora and the hazmat-wearing woman struggled over the baby, his cries increased in volume. The leather-bound man growled loudly, grunting out another warning.

A gunshot rang out.

Pain like nothing Nora knew swarmed her body, her vision going dark with it.

Her arms slacked and the hazmat-wearing woman stumbled back, holding the baby, ignoring his screams.

Nora had screamed, too, she realized only after she went quiet, her frozen hand palming at the bleeding wound in her shoulder.

"Damn it." The man put his gun away, shaking his head. He whirled murderously around to the woman, who coward before him. "Get the kid out of here. Go!" The woman turned without question, fleeing out of Nora's line of sight. 

This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real.

Bleeding, frozen, in a pain like none other, Nora tried to heave herself from her pod, to follow the woman, to get her baby — but the man easily pushed her back against the cushion of the pod, putting his gun away.

He wore a frown, a deep one that carved long lines into his gaunt, pale face. A scar ran over his left eye, marring deep into the flesh, his icy blue eyes ringed in a sleepless red. He gave her a sadistic smile that looked closer to a grimace, “At least we’ve still got the backup.”

And he closed the pod door, sealing her in again.

Nora pounded on her glass as he walked away, trying to scream again, but her voice wouldn't work. Blood ran heavily down her arm, dripping from her fingertips.

The Vault Tech Computer rang again, "Cryogenic Sequence Reinitialized."

Nora's vision went white once more. 

Pain thrummed through her, and for a long while, it was all that she could feel. Pain and impossible cold, so freezing that it burned.

"Critical failure in Cryogenic Array. All Vault residents must evacuate immediately." 

Gasping and coughing, a sudden heat rushed through her, loud alarms filling reverberating around the metal room as her pod door was unlocked and released, opening too quickly for her to brace herself. She fell forward, hands and knees on the ground, heaving and shivering and panting as she tried to catch her breath. 

She barely registered the flashing orange lights and trilling alarms filling the Vault as she tried to stand, only to stumble back to the ground, shaking violently. Her body still felt frozen. She fell limp against the Vault’s cold, dusty floor.

Even unconscious, Nora kept shivering; two hundred years was a long time to be frozen, after all.

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[lej-ica-blog]

That Racer and I (Short Story)

That Racer and I Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock! “Do you have now your order madam?" I was disturbed on counting the seconds, minutes and hours that had passed when the waiter ask me that question. It had been exactly 3 hours 17 minutes and 15 seconds that I had been sitting here and kept on ordering lemonade, got no choice my date is late again. I sigh in deep disappointment. “I’ll take 3 slice of choco moist cake and a frap” After saying my order the waiter immediately vanishes on my sight. Where is he again I ask on my head. God! do-- “I’m sorry love, I'm late the race ended longer than I thought" Speaking of the devil. He's  Ezekiel Frenniere my fiancé, we've been together for almost 5 years, and just a year ago he proposed to me, we're supposed to be ringing the bells by now but some circumstance came up that resulted for our wedding to be postponed. "I'm used to it " I answer him bitterly. In line to the postponement of our wedding he also became more addicted to drag racing. Yeah my fiancé is a drag racer, I don't know what he gets to that, I mean it's too dangerous, but I can't make him stop, he'll just say it has a purpose, in which I don't actually get. "Look love I'm really really sorry I promise I'll m--" “make it up to you, I'm so sick of listening to that the same reason Mr. Frenniere, when can I ever win over that hobby of yours " I said in a croak voice, I know any moment from now I'll breakdown in front of him, which I really wanted to avoid. "Love, don't call me that, don't be mad please, you know I can't stand when you’re mad at me. And you don't have to compete with my racing hobby; you know you will always be on top of it. " He said that while hugging me, I'm already standing and very ready to leave. I call him Mr. Frenniere when I'm really mad at him. "News flash! I don't feel it! " I said in a mocking tune and it's a fact! He always chooses that drag racing shit over me! He will always be late every time we have a date and even postpone it when Drake, his race informant call him. Like seriously? How can you even call it your his priority when he can easily dump you just because of that goddamn drag race. I inhale and calm myself I can't burst right now, not here, and not when his around. "Love pleasee.." Oh! No! Not that voice, that pleading voice that always melts my hatred over him, he doesn’t know how that voice affects me. I diverted my eyes away from him because I know any moment I would see his teary eyes and gosh! That’s my weakness. I look outside the café. "Zeke please, I need space, I'm mad leave me alone" I said swallowing the lump on my throat, I know for a fact that it’ll hurt him badly but I just can't forgive him now. Slowly he loosens his grip on me and let me go. Morning when I wake up I was surprise by the smell of my favorite fried rice, I hurriedly get off to bed and was more shock to see hundreds of sticky notes on my wall. It was all a sorry note. When I arrive in the kitchen I saw him cooking, he really looks more handsome every time he wears an apron. I hug him from the back and said. "Good morning my handsome chef, thank you and I love you " After saying those words I saw his perfectly white teeth when he gave me his always genuine and alluring smile. How I always love seeing that smile of him. "Good morning too my everyday source of vitamins, I'm sorry again and I love you more always and forever will " He hugs me tight after saying it. Months passed by and those scenario is like a daily routine to me. Now January 30 my live or die day. Today I will undergo my heart transplant, it's even earlier than we anticipated, Zeke don't know about my sickness, and today I decided to tell it to him and ask him to be on my side while I will have this operation, I call him and after 4 rings he finally answer it. "Love? Can you come here at St. Joseph hospital I need to tell you something" "I'm sorry love but I can't go I'm having a race in a minute, can you tell it later?" "O--okay" I said and ended the call, it's depressing but I need to continue my operation without him. I wake up with everything in white around me. Where am I? The first question that came up in my mind and it hit me, I'm in a hospital. I look around, I'm still adjusting my eyes and ears to the surrounding, and I see my friends and family, but no sign of him. "Where is he? " I don't know if it's just my imagination or what but I think I saw them got stiff after asking that question. 3 weeks had passed and I'm very well already. I went to the race arena hoping I would be able to see him there, I know he hated hospital ambiance maybe that's the reason he didn't showed up. "Where is Zeke?"  I asked Drake "You still don't know?" "Know what?"  I asked puzzled about what he is talking about. "E-Ezekiel is already d--dead" I don't know if the time really stopped, or it's just me. I feel like I was thrown a ton of cold water, I feel limp, dumb, numb and shattered. "Y--you're talking shit! You’re lying!!"  I shouted with all my might, but Drake remained stiff looking on the ground. "It's true, he died last January 30, he's driving too fast to be with you on your operation day."   Jaw dropped, I feel doubled no! Tripled hurt. He knows? "How ?" "He know it a year ago, the time where he started doing multiple drag race to raise 30 million for your operation, he kept on saying if it's for you he can let death take his life, to let you live and..... " "and what?! "   I shouted feeling frustrated on the messed up on my life, my tears came down none stop. "T--the heart you have now is his" "No!! No!! hell no!! it's from the heart bank!! " "The donated heart didn't survive on you, so he said to the doctor to take his for you." I was able to gather my strength and stand up and started walking away. " Bri--ng m--e to h--im"  I said in between my sobs We arrived in the cemetery I saw a big tarpaulin and it confirmed the dark reality, it's our picture together he's hugging me with his favorite car as our background, I also saw his car beside the tarpaulin I went there and saw it being repaired, but evidences of it being wrecked is still visible, I touch the engrave name of the both of us on the side of the car. Ezekiel&Aemie It took me years before I recover slowly I never got married; and I was not alone because Zeke's heart has always been with me. He's always in my side and in my heart the only racer of life. That racer and I will never be separated because now we are one. I love him always and forever will. ~END~