#but im just remembering why i loved it so much and now im hyperfocusing a bit aljdghjadgl

[himbos-hotline]

(Fanfiction writing asks)

1, 7, 10, 11, 29

Believe it or not, I have answered thsi ask twice beore. Tumblr just said no each time I went to post it. So like, third times the charm we hope.

1.) Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

yes, to both. I write when the inspiration strikes and if I get stuck or really while im writing. I am going through scenes or little ideas. Most of the time, I people were watching me writing- im pulling facial expressions and practing diaglogue in in a little voice or like seeing if people can get into the position I can imagine them in.

7.) Post a snippet from a wip.

Nick had never been the brave one. Even as a child, he had cowered behind Matt, silently watching and waiting for his first knee-jerk reaction. Everyone in Nick’s contact lists were names that he had heard from his brother's mouth first.

From: Til Death do us part, please keep breaking my heart [Til it ceases to beat, please be mine] // chapter four

10.) Do you work on multiple wips or stick to one fic at a time?

I rotate between writing works at the moment. Although right now, I have really been hyperfocused on my hungbucks fic whichi s linked above if you wanna read it! However I am still working on asks, the friday wrestleprompts things, and my requests are still open! So if yall guys wanna send some in, I love getting requests [i also went through like a stupid period of deleting some or tumblr ate them cuz I dont remember deleting them.]

11.) Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

I have to write scenes in order. If you're every wondering why it takes me so long to get multi-works published or out. Its because I am trying to logic out the next scene or the next sentence and my brain ins only giving me ideas for three chapters ahead.

29.) What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

In all honesty, I am enjoying writing again now that the fandom is awake and happy. There is so much less stress in the aew fandom that it brings me joy after being and producing content for either dead fandoms or fandoms that were just so fucking toxic it felt like walking on eggshells. I am happy and like proud of my writing since people are itneracting with it i na way that shows me that im getting my groove back. I am proud that my writing prokoes emotions and actually people see that theres real human emotions in it now, not just like sentences for the sake of sentences

ask game // Requesting rules // List of WIPS // askbox

[floralovebot]

...

thinking about this situation again and i think the worst thing is that i literally deleted my last account and restarted here because of being anxious that people were watching me and talking about me behind my back. and those worries weren't even about me being a bad person, i was always just worried that they were making fun of me instead. my old mutuals and followers were all nice people and honestly i can't remember the last time i got caught up in drama or got send a rude ask on that blog. the worries were completely irrational and literally a product of the winx fandom and unfortunately how things played out. i can't count how many times someone would stalk my blog or send information about what i was doing/saying to some other random person in the fandom, most of the time people i barely interacted with. it caused "drama" between multiple people and lot of worrying about whether or not they hated me (thought that should've been the least of my concerns tbh)

and honestly what just happened and what happened last time is a play-by-play of the past. it's making me anxious to even post and like? hello?? i shouldn't be scared to make my own posts just because other people are talking about the same thing and our opinions are different? that's what happens in fandom? maybe it's because the winx fandom is so small but i've never had this issue in other fandoms. even if i made a post directly responding to another person without rbing/tagging/mentioning them, it was chill because unless it was directly an insult, no one cared. and it's so weird that the winx fandom is the only fandom i've been in that has an issue with this? like again it's not just me, multiple people have been "accused" (if you can even call it that) of vague posting others simply for talking about the same topic. it's so fucking weird like i cannot describe how weird it is.

and now i'm running into the same issue of being anxious that people are talking about me behind my back. i don't mind talking about my issues that involve sns here because i can't talk about it to anyone irl. but every single post i write about this, i get scared that someone is watching and waiting to report it. and like? what exactly am i supposed to do? wait around for this to happen A Third Time? i enjoy being in the winx fandom and i like my mutuals. i don't want to leave or distance myself over this. but at the same time, i can't risk my mental health over fandom. the anxiety of just wanting to post things but being scared that i can't because someone else might disagree and either they or their followers get upset is like,, what even? yknow? what am i supposed to do with that? and honestly, even if it turns out that wasn't about me, it's still about someone else isn't it? who's going through this same anxiety rn?

i'm posting this when i know most of my mutuals and followers are asleep. and the ones who are awake, i don't mind reading this if they do. it's just.. i'm sure my fears are fake (at least i hope) but there's still a sliver that goes.. what if? what if they aren't? i'm online way too much and i notice when people interact with me less (unfortunately). and when it's only one or two people i don't care yknow? life and work and literally everything else that's more important than random mutuals on tumblr. i do the same exact thing, interacting with internet friends is not the most important thing in the world? but when it's multiple people And it coincides with someone posting an ask about vagueing and drama and i'm one of two people that happened to disagree with them and publically share their thoughts? it's weird! like, it's weird.

ugh, it's just such a gross situation and the only reason it's bothering me so much is that i've been through this before and it's the main reason i left the winx fandom the last time. and the last time lasted over two years. and i don't want that happening again. this is the second time i'm having weird, probably a misunderstanding "drama" with this person and it's like. both times happened because multiple sent them messages/asks about it. like. i Thought i wouldn't have to worry about people watching my every movement and telling people things that are purposely misleading and like goddamn this is so weird.

[mallowstep]

I wanna hear about the PO3 au's the anon left out! skyclan, loner, po5. Im guessing loner is Crow/Leaf raising the 3 outside of the clans. I love hearing you talk about your au's!

aww thanks! okay, same plan as before, details below the cut.

skyclan po3: it's, uh, pretty on the nose. crow and leaf run to skyclan with their kits.

loner po3: this is a catch-all term for three aus with similar premises, but i don't have a clear/short title to differentiate them. one is leafcrow, one is mothpool, and one is just leafpool. i'll talk about each of them.

po5: this is my internal name for the jaywing au. this, if you don't remember (and why would you), is a bit of a parallel to the dovefeather/med cat dovewing au where jaykit and dovekit are siblings.

skyclan po3: "they move on tracks of never-ending light" (title song)

the au title for this in my notes was "whitewater," but i think i'm going to save something else for that. (if you're confused why i have two titles for all of the aus: when i make a big au, it usually gets a temporary title that's short and easy to search, but i replace it with a permanent title later. sometimes they stay the same, like ashes, but usually i change it.)

so my only notes on this is

crowfeather and leafpool make it all the way to skyclan with a trio of newborn kits.

and like yeah, that's basically all i've figured out.

uhhh i know skyclan will come to the lake sooner, obviously, and i know that jay's character arc plays out really differently because there's less ableism.

(even in the windclan au, jay is intertwined with ableism: in that case, it's "either you're the same, or you're not capable." but leafstar is a sensible leader who doesn't have that problem.)

otherwise, yeah, i don't really know where i'm going with this, other than i think it'll be fun to explore, since leafpool is firestar's daughter and named after leafstar.

loner po3: the common thread in all of these is what happens to thunderclan's medicine cat after leafpool leaves?

(tbf, that's a common question in quite a few aus. but it makes itself a central conflict in these three.)

loner po3 I: leafcrow. "on and on we run in loops"

uh, yeah. they run away, and stay away. this one isn't supposed to focus on the kits that much, but rather, leafpool's struggle with duty and desire.

i've got this:

“There’s a loner,” the kittypet said, her voice languid, claws extended, but with an air of ease, “named Leaf. She’s been helping out loners for, oh, a season or two.”

as a quote from it. it's my least favorite of the loner po3 aus.

loner po3 II: single mom leafpool. "between us, i'd trade you for them every time"

i've talked about this one actually quite a bit, but it's probably going to take me a while to write it. it's inspired by "butterflies and hurricanes," but instead of leafpool dying, crowfeather dies.

also, the chapter titles come from "marjorie" which is basically 90% of why it's going to take me a while to work on it, that song makes me cry a lot and uh, things are a lil Much right now.

i've got a few scenes sketched out, from holly running away, and leafpool panicking, to leafpool worrying about bringing her kits to thunderclan.

loner po3 III: mothpool. "to make a choice in all this mess"

this is the au competing with divided po3 for next po3 au to write, and i'm...i love it. (as a note, i won't write two aus for the same time period at the same time. that's why i was waiting to finish wfmisus before i got back on doahins. now it's all messy. but i get confused lmao.)

anyway, i have the least written for this, but i'm very excited. in my first warriors fic ever, "if you love me any, let me know it now", leafpool thinks this:

(Leafpool should have left. She should have found Mothwing and told her and left. Maybe pause to say goodbye to Squirrelflight. Mothwing would have gone with her, and things would be alright. Not like they are now, all tangled and impossible.)

and well. i'm weak.

i don't have a ton of concrete stuff to say about it, especially considering it's so high on the list, but i mean, i'm excited.

po5: "wing and feather"

alright, this is an old one. since it's also high on my list, i want to explain where it came from rather than what it's about, because that will cover what it's about in a broad sense, without tempting me to give away the details.

(also, w&f is a working title. much like "feather take flight," i may change my mind.)

anyway. i started getting into warriors with "cloudtail's daughter," an au where dovewing and ivypool are brightheart's kits.

in a post so old i had to go to my main blog to find it, i said this:

i also want him to be dovewing’s brother. but the au where brightheart gives birth to dovekit, anxiety child, and jaykit, blind, and feels like a failure despite the fact that its not like her half-blindness is genetic, is not this au. that is another au.

and the seeds were planted.

so right, i'm writing up ctd around when i'm first reading "flightless dove, poison ivy," which will go on to inspire dovefeather (med cat dovewing au, but as you'll see, dovefeather is the assigned working au name. after i decided i didn't like feather take flight, i reverted back to its initial working title, dovefeather.)

so i've got these two things rolling around in my brain.

dovefeather comes first, because i reread fdpi so many times and i just. i want dovepaw to stay in riverclan. i don't want her to leave. i want her to be happy. (also please! i'm still finishing ch 2 of fdpi no spoilers it's taking me embarassingly long to finish.)

but anyway, consider this a bonus au talk because explaining what po5 is, imo, requires me explaining what dovefeather is. like, in an au talk scenario. they're unrelated aus, from a reader perspective.

so i come up with this list of "things i want to be different in oots":

dovewing should be cloudtail's daughter

dovewing and jayfeather should be siblings

dovewing should be a medicine cat

dovewing should go to riverclan

ivypool should be the fourth cat (but i'm not revealing which aus this applies to bc big time spoilers)

and this creates a bit of an au matrix. pick and choose, you know? ctd is (1).

dovefeather is (3) and (4).

but i still wanted (2), and so it seemed pretty natural to make a (1), (2), and (3) au.

but that's a retrospective analysis, what really happens is, i get like fourteen "what ifs" deep, until i'm writing fic for my fic for someone else's fic. kind of.

dovefeather diverges pretty sharply from fdpi, especially based on what i've read of ch2. it takes the same core idea, and because my idea of riverclan was inspired by fdpi, there are plenty of similarities, but i think it's functionally very different, and superficially similar.

(also, hollowflight ends up in a completely different trio lmao dovepaw hangs out with rushpaw, troutpaw, and mossypaw.)

but anyway, i'm trying not to write another au of the same time period, but i just finished writing out the full outline for ashes, and the next chapter (i.e., ch 12, which i'm hopefully posting today if all goes well) gets me thinking, and i can't let it go: i want (2) to happen.

so i look at my outline for dovefeather, because the rule is, it has to be very different from this.

since dovefeather is like 70% drafted (altho that number seems low, because i suspect i'm going to end up adding a lot into the fourth chapter), i now know that was never going to be an issue, but at the time, i was very worried.

so i was like! well, that means i'm going to fuck with every part of po3, and we're going to get ivypaw and hollypaw roped in, and jaypaw is always going to be a warrior, and i think i made squilf his mentor? or maybe sandstorm lmao.

either way, it ended up being defined by jaypaw, which i didn't initially plan on. but that's po5: squilf's litter lionkit, hollykit, ivykit & brightheart's litter dovekit and jaykit grow up together.

it's got a similar vibe to ashes IMO.

okay wow that ended up being a lot i've been hyperfocusing on dovefeather all weekend, and in my head, it's inextricably linked to ashes, ctd, and jaywing/po5, so uh. yeah.

hope this was what you were looking for?

<3

[hongism]

Miss Caly, you don't hate San, do you? Why do you give him these characters that are hurt and bitter and so deprived that they think they are undeserving of love or something? Because I just read The Most Brilliant Darkness... and I'm going to need some time to huddle into and rock myself in a corner while I process the feelings I have right now about San in this one. I know it's a Woo fic (it got a bit confusing tbh but then I remember what Woo is supposed to be so I was just whelp the deities move in mysterious ways ig) but SAN. And MC. But mostly San, yeah. I honestly need to read it again because the moment you presented broken San, I was hyperfocused on him. I'm sorry, I'm weak.

But I absolutely love it Miss Caly. I especially love that it didn't really focus on the act of sex but just mentioned it lightly here and there. The musings, the working through one's emotions, untangling the why's and how's, I love it all. I adore stories like these - where it's just people going through life, dealing with the hand they're dealt, making bad decisions, facing consequences, breaking down, and picking up pieces - it has a special place in my heart. And you write these so well Miss Caly, it's actually kind of scary. Hahaha I'm hooked on your writing and I wish I could write like you. I'm only good at picking things apart, not creating them unfortunately.

Please do let me know if you ever go into publishing your work because I'll definitely be one of your biggest fans. Ily 💚

okay you know what im starting to see it okay im sorry it’s always san 😭 i think my gut response to him threatening my bias list is to expel those emotions in written form im SORRY!!!!!

but as for tmbd,,,,, yeah,,,, it’s a bit heavy handed on the emotions, bubt it’s really honestly and truly both a wooyoung and a san fic, not just one or the other in my opinion, which is why they are both listed in the pairing!!! so yeah woo is alone on the banner, but really my banners are purely for aesthetic purposes and rarely if ever fully depict what’s in the actual fic! but anywho. san. his character is definitely my favorite from the fic, because as much as i hurt san, he always tends to be my favorite to write !!

but really tho it makes me so happy to hear you love the fic :(( at the end di ended up enjoying the fact that i didn’t include any explicit smut because i felt that it better showcased the emotions of the characters over anything else at the end of the day! im in the same boat as you - i adore stories that are just about going through life and people and bad decisions, real life things that are accurate depictions of how our lives work day in and day out. as much as i really adore full fantasy fics like moc, i do love ‘real life’ fics, and i have so so many wips that are like this fic. i think my love for those fics is why i’m able to write them the way i do, because while i haven’t always experienced the things i’ve written myself, i’ve heard countless stories and depictions from the people around me in my life, and have seen how they were affected by those things and how it shaped them into the person they are today. those are the parts of humanity i really love, seeing how decisions and emotions shape people, and getting to write fics that so strongly hinge on those aspects is a blessing and something i enjoy so so much 💗

i think publishing a full fledged story is a distant dream at this point in time, but it’s something i would really love to do one day and i hope i’m able to 🥺💞

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[oyabun-draws]

yellow, aqua and pink for the ask game! ❤️

yellow: name of an artist you think is underappreciated (my response got long im sorry)

(can i say myself...fssjfsfjfs) um i am not sure if these artists are underappreciated or not but i will name some of my favorite artists from various fandoms pls give em a look i love them:

raven cycle: i HAVE to give a shoutout to @f0x-meets-w0lf they literally are the reason kavinsky is my favorite character in the series, and i am a big dream pack person, the dream thieves IS my favorite book in the series and this artist in my eyes is the BACKBONE of the dream pack fandom, we would have NOTHING without them i LOVE fox-meets-wolf and I WILL be purchasing every print of theirs mark my words. their art is perfect honestly i have no words. my proof is right here if u disagree look at that and then come talk to me anyways i could make a whole post on fanart of kavinsky also i found out just NOW that this queen is following me on one of my instas and like am i hallucinating i need confirmation bc they are literally one of my fav artists on planet earth anyways (i think u can tell i have adhd by how i respond to asks) also this post and these posts are certified iconic and i will be purchasing if they ever do prints

carry on: @i-am-weis literally gave me my rights their art of simon and baz is out of this world, they haven’t posted carry on stuff since back in the day but i am a carry on elder and I Remember. they’re talented incredible show-stopping never been done before and so so close to how i picture simon and baz. on that note @yofriesenburg ALSO has incredibly close to how i imagine them this post is EVERYTHING to me,  also this post STUN N I NG, and this artist’s stuff is fantastic, we love this one, and this one, @mara-miranda of course especially this one, this lovely post, this fantastic post, this post omg the ARTISTRY, this lovely post, lest not forget ms @vkelleyart of COURSE but specifically this one is my favorite of hers, and last but not least, THIS is my ALL TIME favorite carry on fanart and fun fact: this is the very first post i ever reblogged on this tumblr, please feast your eyes on this witchcraft and wizardry it is literally everything.

(also i have been working on this post for literally four hours trying to find all these links so if my enthusiasm is declining it is because i am pooped and not because i like any of these artists less than others. i love them ALL, all of these i have saved to my phone so i can Look at them)

aftg: @ziegenkind094 literally period all of their posts are excellent, @lnmei i- to have as much talent as lnmei.. one can only dream these  are some favs of mine  and @microolli esp this one, and this post is everything the bandages are so well done ppl never draw enough scars, @lazyleezard and @actuallyzeropercent are EXACTLY how i picture andrew and neil EXACTly their fem!andrew and neil are p e r f ec t, also this post, these posts, and lastly these posts are perfect, neil is perfect, the vibes are perfect, true artistry

yoi: everything. 

i am so tired im s o sorry u definitely did not ask i just hyperfocused and said I Will create a masterlist Right Now and spent 6 hours omg. anyways those are some of my fav artists and drawings thank u if anyone wants to know my fav non-fanartists let me know and i will make another masterlist. 

aqua: do you thrift?

yes! actually about 90% of my clothes are thrifted, I’m poor (my whole family is poor) so I have thrifted or received hand-me-downs for my whole life :) and I am not ashamed of admitting that I’m poor either, my family is very hardworking (even if you aren’t u are still valid, poor people are not at fault of the situations we are in.) I just live in the U.S. and capitalism is a desease. 

pink: what’s your natural hair color?

idk what is up, but my natural hair color has changed throughout my life, when i was born it was dark brown and then lightened to medium brown. then in late elementary to early middle school it changed to like golden brown/dirty blond whatever tf and then later in high school it became medium brown again and then now it is a grey-ish (?) mousy brown i think its called. but my hair is bleached blond almost all the time bc i like the way it contrasts with my dark bushy brows :)

okay thank u for the asks so much idk why this turned into a literal essay in length but like i love getting asks so much bc i get them quite sparingly and i like to ramble. i type almost exactly how i think/talk minus the stuttering #just speech impediment things

anyways thank u for the asks!! <3 <3 i love you

color asks

[crowsent]

👶,⭐,💘, and💻. Love you!!

thank you for ask anon! writer ask game is here if yall wanna send in something. still taking asks for these btw

👶- advice for new writers =

yall this is hella fucking generic but PRACTISE. theres a reason almost literally every writer on tumblr gives the advise of “practise practise practise” and that reason is it works. practise doesnt mean ‘oh just write bc youll automatically get better over time’ it means ‘write bc if you dont, you wont figure out what you need to improve.’ did yall know that i literally had no sentence variation in the past? i started every sentence with [character name] or [character pronoun] and i didnt realise until i was 15/16 and i only realised bc i started writing a lot.

i think there’s a fear of failure with new writers. there’s this lingering doubt of  “what if its not good?” and boy howdy i will answer that question right fucking now. it wont be good. when i compare my current work to my earlier work, my earlier work sucked fucking shit. i spelled soldier with a fucking ‘j’ and i had no idea what the hell a point of view was. and thats okay. whoever tells you that youre going to perfect writing is a fucking liar. there is no perfecting writing. 20 years from now, imma look at the writing from today and im gonna think it sucks shit. writing is a process. its a craft. you get better and better over time and the way you get better is by experimenting w different styles, different genres, different ways of writing.

and the only way you can experiment and improve is through practise. in video games, especially rpgs (which are my favourite kind of video games), you struggle in the early game. youre at a low level, you dont have good equipment, you have a hard time moving to the next area. but the only way you progress is by grinding, gaining levels, and getting stronger. same w writing. if youre a level 1 writer, just starting out, no idea what to do, just experiment. fuck around a bit. write crackships, write rarepairs, write niche self-indulgent reader/character fics. at the end of the day, you should write for yourself. its good and cool if other people like your stuff and validate all your hard work, but at the end of the day, the one who should enjoy your writing the most is yourself.

you WILL mess up and you WILL struggle, but thats the only way you can improve. i struggle with pacing the most. still do. but others might have pacing down pat and struggle instead with word choice or pov or something else. cant figure out where you need to improve if you dont write, so just practise and worry about all the fine print later

⭐️- how do you get your inspiration? =

this is definitely not universal, but i just sit on my bed, close my eyes, and meditate. cycle through all my emotions and thoughts and filter them out. then i just toss everything out the damn window. like. id just meditate for a while, focus on breathing, on experiencing the present, picture a field and a tree and myself and breathe. thoughts fly by and i let them happen but dont focus on it.

meditating gives me some semblance of emotional control bc i normally have none, and it gives me kind of this space. this safe space that only exists for me and me alone. so i use that space to let the world drift away. just me and my thoughts and sometimes, those thoughts end up being good writing ideas. but i usually meditate for a set amount of time. like 15 minutes or 30 minutes so i dont write until i finish meditating.

then when i get out of my headspace, i open up my laptop and see what i remember. thinking too hard about something causes it to muddy up. same with art. in digital art, artists flip the canvas to refresh their eyes, see if there’s anything weird or wonky about the illustration that they normally dont see bc theyve gotten used to it. flipping the canvas is like giving our eyes a jumpstart and lets us see what we could do better. in traditional art, its turning the canvas this way and that or repositioning yourself. meditating is like that. a break. a cleanse. a kind of pause where you dont think about anything and just try to process what you already have. you relax and kind of let yourself float down a river of thoughts and sometimes, a fish would jump out of that river and youd go “hey, thats a good idea. i should try that” so when you get out of the river, youre refreshed and ready to go.

same principle with showers. more ideas come to you in the shower when you dont have anything to write with bc youre not thinking about it. youre not focusing on finding inspiration or motivation so ideas naturally flow through you. you know that feeling when you want to do x then someone comes along and says “hey you should do x” and suddenly all motivation to do x leaves? same w your brain. focus too much on “i should be writing” or “i want inspiration” and its never gonna come. just let things happen. at least, thats how i do it. some people might get inspiration by reading or watching tv. everyones different so if thats not what works out for you, dont feel pressured to try my method

💘- what’s your favorite AU? Least favorite? =

magic au. specifically fantasy au set in like a pre-modern era. shows like avatar where theres all this magic and fantastical beasts and so on and so forth. semi-modern like six of crows and nevernight are great too. i want that magic to be woven into people’s lives. harry potter is okay but there’s like this separation between magic and muggle. there’s this feeling of “magic” but like as a tool. like a spoon or a gun or a shovel. i want magic au’s that are INTEGRATED with the world its set in.

like in atla, earth kingdom people have trains they move with bending while fire nation people have machines powered by heat and steam. both correspond to their bending and makes sense for the world they live in. but if your plot is like harry potter and its less worldbuilding and more action, then there’s this book series called seasons rising (read it. so good) where there’s a bunch of spells but the spells have character. the people using the spells GIVE it character and it feels much more intimate. pokemon does the whole fantasy mixed w reality better. give two trainers the exact same pokemon and by the time that pokemon reaches lvl 50, its gonna have a different moveset, different fight style, etc bc it was shaped by the world and people around it. i like harry potter but tbh it could have been so much better

for the least favourite au, it’s A/B/O i dont like the whole “omegas are only good for breeding hurr durr” and “alphas are violent and aggressive and cant control themselves around omegas” thing and it squicks me out. major squick. i read the original harry potter squick (THAT one. yeah. you know the one) and i still hate a/b/o more. i get why people like it, and there are one or two fics set in a/b/o au that i enjoy reading, but as a whole, i severely dislike a/b/o fics.

the themes are squick, the character dynamics get so messed up, and shipping dynamics (bc a/b/o fics usually have shipping) just get so blown out of proportion. there are so many a/b/o fics that turn ooc or the character interpretations radically change or something else. no hate against a/b/o fans bc yall are amazing for writing/drawing yalls au. there are things that you can only do in this setting and exploring those things can be incredibly fun for people, but for me personally, its not an au i like to visit.

💻- three works of yours that are must reads =

i. dont know what fandom youre in anon or your genre preferences. so ill just rec you one fic for a different fandom each with kind of different genres. ts masterlist is on my side @hufflepuff-deceit and regular fanfic masterlist is on my writing blog @crownonymous 

(BNHA) Viper. its my first serious attempt at fanfic in YEARS and its my baby. currently has 7 chapters, i havent updated it in a while bc im hyperfocused on ts rn, but i love it to bits. its just all of my fav bnha fics crammed into one fic. quirkless kind of villain izuku with stain as a mentor as they work together to bring light to the injustices of hero society and where bakugos bullying has visible and long-lasting repercussions? sign me the fuck up. you can read it on ao3 HERE bc its not on tumblr. kind of fast-paced, has a lot more action scenes than anything else ive written. heavy plot-wise but has a lot of humour and comedy to break things up

(Kimetsu no Yaiba) I Pray To God He Hears You. not related to my other kny fic oleander which is a multichap retelling au. iptghhy is a standalone one-shot and kind of a character study on one giyuu tomioka. i love him so much. giyuu is my baby and i adore him. so of course i wrote a sad fic focusing on him. well technically, the fic focuses on giyuu AND his relationships.  SPOILERS for chapters 130 and 131 of the manga. focuses mostly on giyuu and sabito, but there’s a fair bit of giyuu and tanjiro and urokodaki.  you can read it HERE bc this is also not on tumblr. also deals with heavy things but more emotion-wise since it doesnt have that much of a plot. loss. grief. moving on. survivors guilt. that kind of stuff.  very sad. hurt but with comfort, especially at the end.

(Sanders Sides) Logan’s Birthday Fic: Logicality. just what the title says. i wrote 5 different fics and published them all on logans bday but the logicality one received the most feedback and honestly? the cutest of the bunch. its gonna be crossposted onto ao3 but for now, you can read it HERE on my ts sideblog. theres no plot since its literally just domestic and relationship fluff. and puns. patton is in the fic, theres gonna be puns. nothing but good things and warm feelings bc logan deserves it.

-

thank you so much for such interesting asks anon! i enjoyed answering these. have a lovely day!

[humandisastersquad]

hi!! do you have any tmnt headcanons?

ok so i have A Lot so im gonna narrow it to disability headcanons for now

None Of The Turtles Are Neurotypical

they all probably have a mix of neurodivergences and like speaking as someone who’s autistic and has A Lot of overlap with adhd symptoms it can be hard to separate out sometimes so i’m just gonna focus on the neurodivergence i think is more prominant for each of the turtles

mikey having adhd is a pretty common headcanon in the fandom and for pretty much every incarnation which is gr9 (also it’s canon in 2012 which is. Unfortunate given how shit they treat him but that’s a rant for another time)

problems especially with attention and impulse control

his hyperfixation is pop culture of course. whatever it is tho changes pretty rapidly

it’s also canon that mikey has the most talent of the turts but lacks the focus to fully wield it

he has Wildly sporadic knowledge and knows the Randomest shit

(source)

as a result he’s the absolute king of trivial pursuit

raph also has adhd

poor impulse control + emotional regulation 

his hyperfixations include wrestling and motorcycling

punching bags are his main outlet for anger and for stimming

leo is autistic and his special interest is ninjutsu

he also uses it to stim

leo has pretty black and white thinking and adheres Very Strictly his code of honour

Extremely Anxious about going against splinter’s wishes/rules etc, much more than the others

donnie is also autistic 

his special interests are technology and inventing etc.

Loves to infodump and his bros and splinter are supportive listeners

they Love and Support donnie but often have no idea what the fuck he’s saying

which is why when he meets april he’s over the moon to have someone he can reciprocally infodump with and bounce ideas off

he hyperfocuses A Lot and can forget to eat and sleep

his family has to remind him to do those things some times

he’s built/procured many stim toys for himself and his brothers over the years

all the boys love to pressure stim

they often just Pile together, especially if they’ve had a hard day/battle etc.

when they were younger, especially in the early days, they would stroke splinter’s fur as a way to soothe and ground themselves

splinter in turn would repetitively stroke their heads as a soothing method and also gives Great Hugs

(it was much easier back when they were smaller and he could fit all four in his arms)

petting klunk is also a good stim and there are occasionally scuffles over who gets to pet him since the four of them petting him at once is overwhelming for the poor cat

however mikey gets first dibs because he’s the one who found him ofc

inspired by a couple of headcanons i’ve seen floating around about that the turts are HoH

which makes sense since they don’t have a pinna (the external part of your ear) to funnel sound towards the ear drum

while their mutation may have helped them develop better hearing than your average turtle, it’s still not on the same level as a typical human

irl turtles are much better at detecting low frequencies compared to high and their hearing is more suited for underwater

headcanon by @softdonnie that they’ve developed their own sign language

mainly based off ASL but also heavily modified, especially to account for their three fingers (dont get me started about how they should be pentadactyl like us)

also good for when any of them have non-verbal days

april and casey learnt it fairly soon after meeting the turts

even cody knows some from reading their journal and the turts and splinter teach him even more during their time in the future

anyway this got rly long and rambly and there’s more but i cant remember rn and i should rly get some sleep since i have work tomorrow so uhh hope u like it anon and thank u for sending this in :)

[officiallaxgirl]

Things I Wish I Knew Before I Played College Lacrosse

Let me preface this by saying getting to play in college is an honor, and something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. No matter your division or alignment, you’ve accomplished something that soooo many people dream about. 

Something that people don’t stress enough about playing in college is the mental stress. Playing a college sport can be draining, both mentally and physically, and even emotionally. You’ve invested years of your life into your sport, and you’re attached. It’s tough to detach yourself from something you truly care about. I realize there are so many things I wish someone had told me before I got to college and started playing, and I hope some of what I learned helps you too! Disclaimer: I was by no means nor am I the greatest player ever, also most of these things you’ll learn with time but why not get a head start. Let’s get to ittttt.

1. Have Your Skills Together

    Stick skills are a HUGE part of lacrosse. If you’re looking to get playing time and stand out, make sure you can catch with both hands and catch very well on the run and under pressure. Even if you think your stick skills are perfect, keep that stick in your hand because especially at the higher level, you gotta be ready to go. If you’re looking to play a specific position, know the ins and outs of that position well enough to be able to execute if you are put on the field, but also be open to playing somewhere new. You don’t need to know everything about it, but be able to play what you say you can play, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Just be ready to play and be ready to learn. Everyone will drop passes here and there, but if you have your catching/throwing/field sense together it will take a load off of your back and make your transition much smoother.

2. Be Prepared to Build Relationships

   In High School, you were most likely on a team with all your friends and you all joined together/played together. College is different, you’re coming together with really talented people from all over. Be ready to respect everyone, learn from others, and be open to making new friends. It sounds cliche, but it kind of sucks when you don’t really get along with anyone and you’re on a bus for 8 hours by yourself. You don’t have to force the relationships, but just be open to being a good teammate and remember that you’re all there to work together, win, and have fun.

   This applies to your coaches too. You may constantly feel like you need to impress your coaches and make sure they like you, but don’t let that be your main focus. Just be yourself and PLAY, but also be a good listener and be ontop of your game. Coaches notice everything, and if they don’t the captains do and they pass along what they see. It can be really hard if you feel like your coaches don’t like you or favor others, and thats something you just have to navigate as you go along. Focus on your game and being your best. Also make friends outside of lacrosse! It’ll be a breath of fresh air you need sometimes when team things are a little stressful. You’ll make amazing friends both on and off the field, but make an effort to have both.

3. Get Your Emotions In Check

   I am a very emotional person. I say i’m not, but I am. I cried when I watched Hannah Montana: The Movie (but who didn’t, tbh). Before you start playing, get your emotions in check and be ready to rely on yourself to continuously keep it together. Playing a college sport tests everything you believe in. You will doubt yourself so many times and ask yourself why you’re there, what you’re doing, why this isn’t working, etc. DO NOT talk yourself out of something you’ve worked so hard for. Be prepared to tell yourself to snap out of it and WORK. My downfall is that I was constantly in my head and it clouded how I played, I overthought everything, and that 1 second of overthinking could lead to a missed opportunity. Practice or find a way to brush things off when they happen, and after playing take time to yourself to work through your emotions and take care of yourself! Getting sad about dropping passes or missing shots only makes more bad things happen, but if you can brush that off and keep going that’ll give you a big leg up. Do not put more pressure on yourself than necessary/than already there....you will freeze up and start to feel like a headcase....not fun nor healthy.

4. Do Not Compare Yourself to Other Players

   Ohhhh boy, do I wish i’d known this way ahead of the game. It’s okay to be inspired and to draw tidbits of inspiration here and there, but don’t let yourself get bogged down in comparing yourself to other players. You yourself are there for a reason, figure out what makes you the special player that you are and use that to stand out! Time spent comparing yourself to others just hurts you in the process (im telling you, those college emotions hit you all at once and mess with your head).

5. Decide Who You Want to Be

   Eventually, there’ll come a time when you realize that you’re kind of in a box as a player. It happens. Coaches don’t necessarily do it on purpose, but sometimes you’ll be put in a box. I believe that you can either accept the box you’re in, if you feel like it’s a good/healthy place for you, or work to change your box/how your coaches perceive you. Some believe that being a role player is a positive thing, as every team has them, but that doesn’t always have to be you. Be willing to fight for what you want and who you want to be, but don’t hurt yourself in the process. 

   Outside of lacrosse, know that sometimes balance will be very hard to achieve. In college, you’ll be exposed to new things (parties, trips, new people), and you have to decide if you want to be an amazing lacrosse player (which will pull you away from your social life) or a socializer (which will pull you away from lacrosse). Some people can do both, but there’ll come a time when you have to decide where you’re going to put a majority of your effort into, and there’s nothing wrong with choosing what feels best for you (as long as its safe!).

6. You Are MORE Than the Sport You Play

   When I started playing lacrosse overall, I wanted NOTHING more than to be the greatest player alive. I would’ve done anything for it. I put my worth into my lacrosse skills, and I realized once I got to college that it may not have been healthy. I see that trend a lot sometimes, we delve so far into the things we love that we forget we have other qualities. Lacrosse is not what defines you, its part of you. You are more than your sport, the minutes you play, whether or not a coach favorites you, etc. Outside of lacrosse, just like in lacrosse, are tons of amazing things, and remember you started playing for fun.

7. Be Willing to Work

   I mentioned this above, but playing in college will force you to be healthier, fitter, and more of a hard-worker. At every level, you’ll be expected to be on top of your grind. When you’re at practice, you’re there to focus and put in work to succeed for you and your teammates. Be prepared to grind everyday and bring your A game. Nothing will come easy, even if you’re the top player there’ll always be some challenge presented by your coaches (to make you better). Take advantage of the competitive atmosphere and do your thing.

8. STUDENT Athlete; Student Is First For A Reason

   Remember why you’re there.....schooool. Don’t let your academics suffer for the sake of sports. I know sometimes you’ll feel pressure to just let things slide, but for the sake of your future stay focused on school. I’m absolutely guilty of not being 50/50 for school and sports, and its normal! A lil 60/40, 68/32 here and there doesn’t hurt too bad, but stay on top of your work cause just like in high school, you could be ineligible to play if your grades are looking rough.

    9. If It Isn’t For You, That’s Okay 

   Playing a sport in college isn’t for everyone. It could be the practice times, being away from friends, team dynamic, traveling, etc. So many things factor into it, and sometimes the school just isn’t the right one for you and thats okay! There’s nothing wrong with deciding to change your path. You are still an awesome athletic talented badass person and if you’re doing whats best for you, then its all good.

10. Have FUN

   There’s gonna be times when it feels like lacrosse is your life and the only thing you have going on, and sometimes that can be a heavy weight. But always always always have fun. Think of it this way: you’re going on a dive in a really really cool ocean and there’s tons of cool fish and buried treasure etc, but eventually you’ll have to come up from the dive and get back to land. You don’t want to spend the whole dive worrying about whats on land, if the other divers are seeing cooler fish than you, if you brought enough sunscreen, or whatever else will take away from the beauty of the dive. You’ll be able to do another cool dive someday, but make the most of the dive you’re doing now. College lacrosse is that current dive, and alumni games/leagues etc are your future dive. I wish i’d realized that there was more to lacrosse and sports in general than playing time, but it kind of isn’t my nature (turns out my #1 trait is that I am a Competitor, go figure. Yes, cat is out of the bag, I quit because, though i’m slightly ashamed, my mental health was suffering because I was so hyperfocused on being this perfect player and I just stopped enjoying what I was doing). So young college laxers, there’s sooo much more to your experience than how much you play. Please take advantage of all thats offered to you.

All in all, you are going to be great no matter what you do. Go into college with a clear mindset and do your thing! Whether there’s tons of pressure on you or not, remember you are a special player and you have soooo many things going for you in and out of lacrosse. I look forward to hearing about you all’s lax journeys and know you always have a fan in me!

[0n3-h4lv3]

Whilr im.spamming and text dumping. May as well say that i DID start cutting like. 5 or 6 days ago. Nobody noticed, except maybe riley, but maybe he didnt and hes just very nice. My sister noticed. I told her frankie did it, and she believed me. I used to be scared of blades. Thought i never had the balls to cut myself. Turns out it hurts just as much as u want it to. And its not dangerous, just to scratch and slit ur hand. Wont mess me up. Just hurts. Reminds me that im. Bad. Punishment. I used to use escapism; jacking off and hyperfocusing on a lover. If i put all my energy into someone hot and nice to me... then i cant remember how awful and worthless i am. Sex is validating. Being fucked and sexualised and touched is validating. Its gross. And i dont really like it anymore, but it means im good for something. It means i can, somehow, make someone else happy. But escapism is new gen olive. This is. A new era. Post gen. I cut myself and i type on this blog so that anyone can see my heart spill but no body will. Escapism doesnt work because last time i jacked off, i stopped halfway through to just sob and sob. I cant date anyone because. I mean its not healthy to romance someone if u cant help but idolize them. I have an obbsessive addictive personality, i always have Someone. Morgan, then Liv, then Lynn, and now Finny. I dont even want to date finn. I used to, but he isnt into me, and ive mostly gotten over that. Logically and truthfully, i dont want him like that. I dont think i can handle romance anymore, and again i dont have a chance w him anyway. I really really just want a mutual and loving bestfriendship. I still think about kissing him though. It makes me hate myself more, but i do. I dont know why. I wish i would stop. Anyway. Im still completely emotionally dependent on him. If i was bpd id say he was my fp, but im not, im just. Problematic and wrong. And its bad, because if i dont find someone else to latch onto, then ill probably mess up my friendship with him. I want to kill myself before i get the chance to ruin things with him. Or maybe wait till hes moved on ? I dont want to hurt anyone else. Anyway. Post gen. Im proactive, and reckless, and in pieces. Yellow is still my favorite color, per new gen, and i put on a good front most of the time. I try so hard to be selfless. I want to give in my last few months or weeks. Im still a selfish cunt though. I cant rewire that. Im trying to. Im proactive. I had sex with greyson, madi's boyfriend, so that i could feel good about myself and stop thinking abt finn like that. It was aggressively mediocre. Dont tell grey i said that. I felt nothing when i kissed him. When i kissed finns neck at the cabin, it was electric. Like my body lit up. When i grinded on greys packer and tasted his lips, it was meaningless and numb. I could barely get off to it. I think thats my fault though. I think most things are my fault. I think its my fault that i rely on my sexuality, and that im always so horny. I think its my fault that i cant maintain or manage relationships. That i ask too much. That nothings ever good enough. That im always so sad and so heartbroken. Im proactive. I poured my pills on the table and began my research into suicide methods. I still do my homework. I make plans with friends. I talk to them like i plan on a future. I kind of do. I know these people will keep living when im gone. There is a future. And it is so bright and so important. I just dont belong there. Im proactive. I cleaned my pocket knife and researched how to sharpen it. I dug the tip into my wrist and jerked it across. It was nothing like i always worried. It wasnt a Good feeling, or an escape, or anything like that. It was a punishment. Like when i would slam my head into the carpet. Hurt and bruise because you deserve it. But this is quiet, and my problem, and nobody i love pays enough attention to notice, and nobody i love will.

Im proactive.

[hongism]

hi caly boo its ur 🌊 anon! i finally finished the most brilliant darkness and oh my lawd i’m in spain without the s. to put it shortly: U DID NOT DISAPPOINT BESTIE, and it seems unreal that u and ur mind and this fic even exists bc every moment is just polished to perfection, while simultaneously every character is polished to a sort of imperfect perfection(?). i have so many questions and things to say idek where to start, and tho im not good with words and even worse at deciphering hidden meanings, here are just some of my thoughts that i remember from the story.

hello my dear!!! eee im gonna answer separately since i think i’ll be very long-winded as usual but first of all thank you so much :(( this fic is actually very full of subliminal messages and hidden nuances that are weaved throughout which i think could be quite confusing so i apologize for that! if i had managed my time better, i would have adjusted when i started the fic to account for managing those aspects of the fic but alas i’m terrible at time management and i suck so. anyways.

first of all, ngl halfway into the story i lowkey forgot this was a wooyoung fic bc SANNN and also bc wooyoung appeared like 3 times lol. even after it finishing all that, i still had my doubts as to why this is a wooyoung fic, or more like why is san this significant in a wooyoung fic. im still a bit slow on these pls forgive me and im just curious why u made it like that.

i think yeah the most interesting thing about this fic is the emphasis on san over wooyoung. and when looking over it yeah i could have switched san and wooyoung’s characters and called it a day, but wooyoung really in my mind acts as the integral turning point for decisions made in the story. 

the goal with the fic wasn’t really to be hyperfocused on the pairing itself, but rather the emotions and thought processes of each character (aside from wooyoung). wooyoung was kept intentionally mysterious and a bit set apart from the rest of the fic because his role in story was moreso an abstract of hestia, the goddess of the hearth and home. wooyoung’s character appeared in times where y/n was struggling with the thought of home or adjusting to the new changes in her life! wooyoung’s pairing itself was actually intended to be solely platonic at first, but as the story went on i thought having mc develop feelings for him added another turning point in the fic!

moving on, the second biggest question i had is the whole hestia!wooyoung and cafe aurora situation. i did a bit of reading on hestia and only found out that she was the goddess of hearth, which might explain the fireplace and the kind of homey feeling to the cafe. and ‘cafe aurora not really existing to most’ part, which was already hinted at wooyoung randomly disappearing, mc never seeing the cafe before or wooyoung only bringing people he wants into it. i get that him inviting mc must suggest her significance to him, but why was he so adamant about his friends not mentioning him or the cafe to mc before that? wooyoung is quite a mysterious character i think, and given that this fic is supposed to be about him, it’s a bit odd that there’s still so many things left unknown, but its kinda cool that way nonetheless and im guessing u would also like to explain that further outside of the story too.

i think my biggest regret about this fic is the fucking summary.... i wrote that summary well before i even started writing the fic thinking it would go in that direction but it didn’t. and since this fic was for a collab, i left the summary as is because i genuinely cannot for the life of me figure out a better one. but i’m trying to figure out a better one. but i really fucking hate the current summary because it’s not at all what the fic is truly about and i hate it.

however, i don’t hate the fic itself, and the reason why i don’t is because i got to play with both my writing style and how i displayed the story. for this collab we were asked to pick a greek god and one of the seven deadly sins, and i selected hestia and sloth. and initially i had intended to have sloth be represented by the reader’s depression, and wooyoung be a more ‘real’ depiction of hestia. i shifted gears very early on in the fic but what it became is moreso abstract realizations in the characters.

san’s character is meant to be this idea of sloth, and it’s mentioned several times that he doesn’t want to move forward, he wants to go slow, he wants to stop moving so fast through life, and those things point to him being a depiction of sloth

wooyoung’s was harder to encapsulate in a more abstract way but you hit the nail on the head really with the homey feeling of the cafe. beyond that, mc talks about just naturally feeling at ease and comfortable with how things are with wooyoung and being around him, and he takes up this role of being the likeable, warm, cozy, comforting character. it all comes to a head in the last scene where he brings both y/n and san into the cafe.

and again wooyoung’s character is meant to be most mysterious and abstract, but if i had had more time to fully flesh out the fic, i think i would have liked to touch more on him. at the same time however i left it more open-ended and open to interpretation. the significance in him inviting mc in and not being mentioned by the others sooner is twofold. one; the others never really had any reason whatsoever to mention wooyoung. he was a friend outside the circle who never joined in with them when mc was around. i personally in my own friendships don’t mention friends outside the circle by name or anything, just kinda vaguely talking about them unless im certain the people know who this person is. the concept of wooyoung having to invite mc in was more nuanced and vague as well, intentionally so, but that was moreso meant to represent this idea of ‘you can’t make a home somewhere where you aren’t invited’ so y/n couldn’t fully make a home of the place she was in without being invited in and welcomed in, but again that’s something i wish i had more time to fully flesh out.

the hongjoong speech about love (and also the interaction with seonghwa after that) deserves a standing ovation of its own 👏 unfortunately, or not, im not actually going through the emotional turmoil regarding love the same way as hj or mc to be able to fully relate to his words, but the whole ‘if you dont love what u see in the mirror then u dont love it’ mentality really hit me hard, and i’d like to hang onto that when i make decisions in the future haha thank you wise caly! seonghwa and hongjoong’s story is also beautiful, and just like mc said, the more i look at it the more it hurts :’)

the hongjoong speech about love was meant to be something very jaded and specific to his worldview. it actually isn’t wholly how i view love personally, but it was a perfect description to how both he and y/n perceived the love in their own lives. mostly thanks to their own emotional turmoils. the mentality of the mirror quote is something that i think i also struggle with, which is why i included it. it’s hard to do, but even in friendships, i think it’s necessarily to stop and look at the person you were before this relationship and then the person during this relationship. if you don’t love the one you are now, then maybe it’s a sign to reflect and see the bigger picture, so that was a lil reminder to myself and i’m glad it touched you as well!!!

“do you love him, or do you love the idea of being in love with him?” - haha i see what u did there (or maybe i didnt please dont laugh at me if i didnt). its still so good everytime i see it bc i keep finding myself loving just the idea of things time and time again even when this makes total sense to me oof :/

heh yeah again with the more abstract concepts this one was more direct and ‘cliche’ but i fully wanted that cliche in the fic because i thought it suited the situation where mc was constantly struggling with a version of san that she thought she loved vs the version of san she got every time they were together

despite how enlightened she seems to be, mc still made the same choices, and i wanna smack her for it and pat her back at the same time. and maybe also bc of the fact that she feels so differently for the two men that i feel like no ending could really justify her decision, so ending in the vague is probably the best. your ending might kind of allude to someone more than the other already, and tho i still don’t think he’s the best one for her based on just my pov on love, i kinda agree with you. but again, this raises the question of, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic?

and yeah the whole knife in the chest at the end of it all is that she was still too scared to face the music so to speak. but really i would say she made the same choices up until the conversation on the balcony with san. and you’re absolutely right, the reason i chose the ending the way i did was because either way, there’s no justification. and actually although it might seems like i was alluding to someone specific, san being in the cafe at the very end was moreso to represent that as much as they fought, he still very much loved her and wanted to be loved by her. it was kinda an open casket ending there were no nails in the coffin, the choice between wooyoung and san still stands and an argument could be made for either of them! i think this is a fic that i could see myself revisiting one day with two endings - one for san, and one for wooyoung.

something i didn’t mention earlier about wooyoung’s character being left intentionally mysterious was that he was representing a new and budding love. the honeymoon phase where you’re falling for someone you don’t even really know. you are the reader aren’t meant to really know who wooyoung is because of that beyond what you read about him, so his past and such was left out intentionally to represent that idea of ‘hey wow im in love with a stranger!’ whereas san was this gritty love that’s bad for you. and there are pros and cons to each just as with anything!!

so,,,, why a wooyoung fic and not a san fic? well i picked wooyoung for my collab so he was one of the main focuses of the fic regardless of which direction i took with it. as for why wooyoung wasn’t more forward, i already answered that but !!! i view it as both a wooyoung fic and a san fic. both are highlighted characters with main pairing roles!

i literally just woke up to write this and am going back to sleep ahaha so i apologize if this makes no sense. i somehow felt like i’ve read so much yet so little at the same time, maybe bc there are still so many things i havent fully made sense of, and that’s where i hope you come in and enlighten me. i still stand by my word that this fic deserves so much more recognition despite the lack of explicit smut bc of how much more you’ve explored through character building. love you caly and thank u for working so hard <3 — 🌊

no worries my beloved i hope you go back to sleep and get lots and lots of rest!! and i hope my response helps enlighten the not so clear things as well dgjdklfg but really thank you so much. it was a long fic and hard to get through at times, but as a whole, i’m proud of it and what i created, so thank you for recognizing my efforts and appreciating them 🥺