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crimeronan · 4 years ago

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ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing. and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do. i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually. i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love. love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die. love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive. but maybe i wish i did. spite doesn’t help me much there. spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable. there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me. i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral. that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless. but it would be a lie of omission. spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them. cry on them. support each other. like each other. fine.” you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes. i have people i love. i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner. i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone. i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them. i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival. i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received. (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this. i’ve told them all this, they know. they’re glad of it.)

so. what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world. it’s all the little connections i’ve made. every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe. hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away. no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane. partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn. blue light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs. my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain. right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting. but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space. it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there. it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration. rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years. i have to start smaller. i’m not used to keeping physical objects. dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual. but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken. there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know. i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch. they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds. there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone. i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard. we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway. some seem to have sprouted by accident. mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence. the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment. birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with. we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky. i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie. i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get. i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above. i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom. the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself. in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall. we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours. the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth. mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it. slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites. the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate. of course we’d end up behind someone. this isn’t divine intervention. this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic. if i want it to be.

and it was. it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing. i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building. and i can keep going. i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here. you get the picture. love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise. although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much. probably some of them would enjoy my death. i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike. a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay. because i’m bipolar. because i’m autistic. because i’m a dropout. because i grew up poor. because my spine curves and my shoulders ache. because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right. that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it. mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now. by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth. i ask for what i want. i use my time how i want. i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation. no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too. everyone i love. it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe. the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included. i never know if i’m feeling what other people do. i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me. i don’t touch it all the time. but i don’t pretend it isn’t there. it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes. it presses at my throat. it curdles in my stomach. it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate. it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile. it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors. i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir. there are a thousand ways to describe this thing. the descriptors aren’t important. what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor. this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.” this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist. it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop. it wants what it wants, it does what it does. possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me. to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses. it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it. i cannot fight with myself. i cannot beat my monster into submission. if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger. it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it. can’t kill it. can’t muzzle it. can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.

alright.

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me. can’t fix it. will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric. hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.

so fuck that, i say.

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.”

losing battle. lost war.

it’s not the monster’s fault. the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears. it exists to protect me through scorched earth. a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury. it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing. my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect. my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me. but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes. what it touches. what it destroys. what it burns. where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person. i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes. i want to make the world better for kids like me. i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born. i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative. i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles. my cognizance slips. i forget why i care. i forget what i want. i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now. but it still happens. it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead. it’s been fighting them forever. die like they want? my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah. our work isn’t done. and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post. i don’t know if anyone will read it all. i don’t know if it’ll mean anything. i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive. and when i don’t, i love being a monster. it’s good. all of it is good. i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces. it’s not one or the other, love or spite. it’s symbiosis. i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots. i can’t give them to you.

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world.

i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system. adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

#i have several other questions to answer in my inbox if you've asked me st over the past few weeks #im not ignoring it im figuring out how to phrase my reply #replies #bipolar blogging #actuallybipolar #my writing #life advice #long post #REALLY long post #it's under a read more but if mobile deletes it i apologize #c ptsd tag #suicide m #ok to reblog #Anonymous

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artgurusauce · 5 years ago

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So, how was Pokemon Shield?

Before I start, this is going to cover the main game, not post-game. Sorry, no talk about Dickhead Swordward and Shieldbert. Also, if it wasn’t obvious already, massive spoilers ahead.

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SPOILED, DO NOT READ THIS POST

I’m not going to ramble for hours about this, because to be honest, my thoughts about this are much briefer than they are for gen 7/Alola. Not to say there’s not much going on in this game, just that if you were expecting a super professional and profound review of the game from me, you may or may not be disappointed.

I will do my best to be articulate, though.

I’ll start with the rivals, the most obvious choice the begin with being: Hop.

Hop is definitely not like Hau like so many people were desperate to make me believe pre-release. In fact, while their arcs are similar, there’s a biiig difference. That difference, to me, is their changes in character. Hau had a big ass crash, yes, but his character change was pretty damn gradual. With Hop, after Bede puts him down, well, you can pretty much tell he’s not the same guy right off the bat the next time you talk to him. I absolutely adore Hope and I’m glad he got as much screen time and focus as he did. His arc was fantastically written and beautifully handled all the way to the end. All I can say is, another cinnamon roll for the collection.

Then there’s...Marnie.

Now, I don’t hate her, far from it. I adore her very much as well. The problem is that it seems she doesn’t get much time to flesh out like Hop did. A problem that goes both ways between her and Bede. Of course when I got to the seventh gym and met big brother Piers I actually did like the dynamic they were going for. Buuut I really wish they had given Marnie just a little more time to herself before that. I just didn’t feel like they did enough with her and...that’s a damn shame considering how popular she was upon her first reveal. Of course, again, this isn’t to say I don’t think she’s still just the cutest little punk goth button ever.

Sigh...and now it’s time for me to talk about Bede.

Look, from what I could tell, half the fandom was nuts for him, the other half was sick to death of a generic douchebag rival that adds no flavor to the table. But I’m a little torn on this one. Like I said, him and Marnie share an awful side effect of Hop’s arc being the most prominent...they don’t get enough time or everything that happens in their arcs feels...rushed, by comparison, at least in my opinion. So the thing is, when Bede gets disowned by Chairman Rose, of course my first reaction is “You had it coming, you were being a shit.” But then Opal...takes him in? And...acts as though Oleana manipulated him? I guess I could perhaps see what they were going for here, and, I’ll admit it, I kind of adored their dynamic, albeit a short interaction between them. And I did find it rather cute at the League when he was all flustered about being trained by Opal, having to continue training because everyone was cheering for him. But the thing is...his arc is kind of...broken? Like, I want to feel bad for him, and I want to feel invested in Opal taking him in and showing him the ropes of the Fairy Gym but...it just doesn’t work like it should. Which is odd considering Bede gets considerably more time to flesh his arc than Marnie, at least, that’s how it seemed to me. I do think the general story and Hop’s own arc really just forced the writing’s hand in sweeping Bede’s arc by as fast as possible. He could’ve been an interesting diversion of expectation, but...oh well.

Speaking of gyms, how do I feel about the gym leaders?

Well, Milo is a fucking cinnamon roll, and I do think I’ve settled on shipping him with Nessa because...I mean...c’mon now. Short bean boy, toll ocean gal? Perfect for each other ♥

I don’t really...feel anything towards Kabu. His design is bland, his personality didn’t stick out to me at all, but I guess they can’t all be iconic gems when you think about it.

Then...there’s my baby boy Allister. And lawd, my dudes, if Hop ain’t my new son well then Allister sure as fuck is. I did HC that he was mute like Red before the game came out and, well, his personality and dialogue are pretty good despite not being what I was hoping. I mean, c’mon, how can you not love that adorable little face? Or that he’s so socially introverted he keeps a collection of masks to make absolute sure his face is hidden? I am going to be quoting “Crumbs, that’s aces” forever now.

Opal was an interesting woman, I definitely think there could’ve been more to her relationship with Bede but I already discussed that. My dad thought she was kinda scary and creepy but she reminds me of that old lady from Spirited Away so I ain’t bothered all that much lol. She was nice enough, I do like her humbleness and that she’s willing to admit it’s definitely time for her to call it quits. And yes, I have seen that official art of her when she was younger. She is a fucking QUEEN ♥ ♥ ♥

Then comes Melony...hoooo boy my lesbian ass is fallin’ so hard it physically hurts me in ways you will never imagine in your life. Wicke wishes she was this thicc. In all seriousness though, I am pretty curious about that son of hers. I heard you can meet him in Sword but I’ll have to wait and see that for myself. Aside from being the newest love of my life, she’s absolutely adorable and wholesome. I know her card reveres her as strict, but, she just looks like a cinnamon roll.

Piers...oh Piers, where do I even begin? His design is fucking on point, for one thing. And his relationship with his sister Marnie is just so cute and so much fun to watch. As unfortunately left field as it was for me, I did like his arc about not being a good Gym Leader and wanting his sister to take over for him. It was sweet and kinda sad but I just love him so much. For the first Dark Type Gym Leader, not bad guys, not bad at all. Also omg Piers slay me with your metal, king plsssss

Finally, there’s Raihan and...omg he’s so great. This mother fucker not only takes selfies in the middle of a match, not only bombards you with weather effects therefore making him a fun and challenging opponent, but this dude is also beefin’ with our head champ? SIGN ME UP, FAM. For real though, like, I loved battling with Raihan the most out of anybody that I fought. I definitely haven’t felt this much fun battling a Gym Leader in years. And I will forever be torn as to whether or not I want to ship him with Leon >3>

Speaking of the chadster, I ain’t talked about ‘im yet. Or Sonia, for that matter. Honestly, they’re both pretty great.

But Leon is the fuckin’ MVP this gen, I’ll tell you what. He’s such a bro he tells Rose his “Day of Destiny” bullshit can fuck off til our match is over. Of course, I do like his ditzy and dorky sides too. Like his snapback collection or how easily he gets lost seriously Leon it’s just a straight fucking line to your house how do you fuck that up. But he ain’t just a bro to the main character, naw, he a bro to his actual bro, Hop. And I fuckin’ love it. Their interactions are so investing and entertaining and wonderful to watch. It’s almost kind of magical, in a way. I think he is without a doubt my number one favorite Champion of all time now.

But as for Sonia, well, I dunno...maybe I’m nitpicky or remembering things wrong but she seemed to drop her disdain for researching the legend of the “Darkest Day” like a hat at some point. Granted, I still think her character arc while it wasn’t even needed was very well done. I loved listening to her dork out about the legends, her research, all of it. It was spectacular. And ever since I first found out she was childhood friends with Leon before the game even came out, ladies and gents, these two have dun been my OTP. The only one still challenging that notion is Raihan at this point, lol.

And now...we get to Oleana and Chairman Rose.

Oleana is just...kind of a nothing character for me, personally. Even after knowing about her Garbardor and all that, sorry fam, she ain’t doin’ it for me. She was a red herring so overblown and obvious it has since been laughable that anybody thought she was gonna be this gen’s Lusamine. She is just...some really crazy lady who happens to be passionate about her job. Ok.

Rose, however, is an absolute bastard. And I love it. However, I do have a problem with this, as it sort of connects to my earlier point with Bede. His relationship with Bede is...I don’t even know if I could call it a father-son relationship. I mean, yeah, he basically adopted him, but he disowns him at the drop of a hat. Granted, what Bede did was wrong, but...really? I guess that’s just how much of a dick he is, but, there’s no closure to that. Even after finding out what a horrible, deplorable man Rose is, Bede never talks to him after he’s disowned. Maybe this was meant to be a “Well it’s better he moves on to the next chapter of his life as soon as possible” sort of thing. But his sudden taking under Opal’s wing did not accomplish that feeling with me. So it feels sort of...hollow, to me. There’s no conclusion, follow-up, it’s almost as if Bede didn’t even know who Rose was anymore after Opal scooped him up. And yeah, Bede says “Everything has gone wrong since I met you” but...here’s the problem; That’s as much as he goes into being affected by Rose. It’s not too important, I guess, but it’s something that bothered me, personally. Rose’s motivations seem...ok, I guess. It’s about what I was expecting. Seriously though, his battle theme has no business being that good.

Those are all my thoughts on the characters, at least any that were all that worth talking about. Without further ado: Allow me to introduce y’all to my babies...

As I mentioned on Monday, my team consists of an Appletun, Centiskorch, Greedent, Hatterene, Inteleon, and an Eiscue. And I only just now realize like 5 out of 6 of them have names that start with a “C” lmao.

First up, we have my very first darling: Chastity

There’s a few things one should know about this slick little bitch:

Big shock, she was a huuuge cry baby as a Sobble. Like, mortified of pretty much everybody. Total mama’s girl. But as a Drizzile she was just a total grump goth binch. The only one of my Pokemon in my camp she would give the time of day is her dear friend Chariot, who at the time was a Hattrem. They pretty much grew up together and they’re besties now.

But now that Chastity is fully grown, well...she’s a little...flirtatious. Oh, no, not with the boys on her team. No no no. Every camp we step onto she’s just flirtin’ like a mad woman. She even managed to seduce my dad’s Cinderace who was already a huge playboy

Still, I can’t stay mad at this cute little brat. She’s still a total mama’s girl at heart and I love her to death. Btw, her Snipe Shot is ridiculously strong, though that’s probably because she’s still holding a Mystic Water haha

Up next is our resident lady in waiting: Chariot

I found Chariot in the Motostoke Outskirts and she has always been a picky snob even as a Hattena. She only ate small portions unless it was Whipped Cream Curry. Though nowadays I’m sure she only eats in such small portions to maintain her figure...

As I said before, she and Chastity have pretty much always been best friends. I definitely love to imagine her always hassling Chastity for her less than lady-like behavior though, haha. Chariot was weirdly sleepy as a Hattrem, though. Like...she dozed off a lot. She must’ve been getting plenty of beauty sleep for her evolution lol.

I used to have a Toxtricity on my team named Ripper before I found an Eiscue for the League, and she seemed quite enamored with him. At least for the long period he was with us, she talked to him 50% of the time when I stopped for a little break. It was incredibly adorable, though I fear what might happen if I leave them alone at a daycare for too long... <(⚆_⚆;)>

As a grown Hatterene, she’s rather dainty and conversative. I’m actually surprised, lately she’s starting to talk to some of her other fellow team mates lately. I suppose she’s not as stuck-up as she pretends to be, haha.

Up next we have our looonnnggg boy: Mushu

I picked up Mushu at Kabu’s gym. He was pretty shy as a tiny Sizzlipede and often avoided talking to most of his team mates. He was pretty spooked by a lot of them, actually, particularly Ripper for reasons I never quite understood. I guess when Ripper was still a baby, Mushu didn’t understand why he cried so much and was terrified of the loud noises he made lol.

However, he grew into a long boi rather quickly and he’s pulled us through some pretty tough spots in the gym challenges so I like to spoil him with lots of play time. He’s got a Jolly nature and honestly, it shows a lot more now that he’s all grown up. He loves to play and races with his team mates pretty much all the time. Rip Caramel, your utter annihilation will not be forgotten. He’s a very sweet and almost gentle boy and I honestly feel bad for all the battering he’s had to take before because I was a little too eager to take on opponents way out of my league.

A couple of fun facts about him before we move on:

His favorite curry in the curry dex is Smoked Tail Curry, which he always eats in gigantic portions. He freaking loves camping on Route 6 or in Stow-On-Side, I guess he really loves the heat.

Up next is my precious dumpling baby: Caramel

I first caught Caramel on Route 5, and I love love looove my baby apple pie. He’s such a chill and adorkable little dragon and I’m not one to pick favorites but...oh, who am I kidding? He’s totally my favorite.

As an Applin he was just too cute. He was a little slow and none of his team mates seemed to understand him so they tended to leave him by himself. So I ended up having to give him lots of attention so he wasn’t too lonely. And gosh was he just the cutest little baby apple. Of course, he wasn’t an Applin for very long, so there’s not much to speak of regarding his early stages.

However, once he evolved, he became a fucking tank. Caramel can take hits like a freaking champ and since I gave him Draco Meteor he’s practically an unstoppable beast. Of course, by heart, he’s a Lax boyo and enjoys the littlest things in life: Like the nice breezes in the Wild Area, or his Apple Curry, even if it’s snowing something fierce outside he’s all about it. And I just- argh he’s so fuckin’ cute! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Up next we’ve got the chunky cheeked baby: Peter Griffin Conker

Conker is a Gentle boy who’s been with me since the very beginning at Route 1, and it fits since objectively he’s probably the weakest Pokemon I’ve got on my team. But that’s ok, because he’s definitely scored us a couple of hard gym challenges just like Mushu has. He was definitely useful for buying some time when I needed it, that’s for sure.

He was pretty chattery as a Skwovet, even if some of his team mates weren’t all that talkative looking at you, Chastity. This probably comes as no surprise, but he’s always had a bottomless stomach. Seriously, he’s eaten large portions even as a baby Skwovet and it baffles me. Guess he’s just a really hungy boy, lol.

As a fully grown, chunky Greedent, he’s pretty slow. Like, really slow. Even when he runs it’s like a snail tracking through peanut butter and molasses. And it’s too cute to watch. I really wish I could give him belly rubs tbh, he looks like the type that’d enjoy those, haha. These days he’s best friends with my Eiscue, Cubert. They usually race each other after they have lunch.

And finally, one of my greatest MVP’s: Cubert

Cubert joined us very late in the game on Route 10. And while unfortunately he ended up taking Ripper’s place, I knew he’d be a good addition to the team. I’ve given him Hail and Aurora Veil, which is super useful for battle prep. It’s pretty lucky I was able to find this little guy waddlin’ around up there on my way to Wyndon.

As I said before, he was pretty anti-social with everybody at first. Though I’m sure that’s because he was so new by the time we got to the League. Thankfully, Conker got him out of his shell and they’re best friends. He still seems a little shy around the others, and even myself, but I’m just glad he’s got somebody to talk to. Not much to say about him unfortunately, since he’s so reserved and tends to keep to himself, but I’m sure that’ll change eventually with time.

Now that’s everyone that’s on my current team, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my boy Ripper at all, so, allow me to introduce an old friend who’s been livin’ in retirement for the past few days:

I first picked up Ripper at a Nursery while I was omw over to Hulburry, I believe. So Ripper was with us for a damn long time until I picked up Cubert. Initially I had hoped he’d be a High Key Toxtricity, but I’ll take what I get. Besides, he was more than helpful with quite a lot of battles, especially Opal’s gym.

He was pretty loud as a Toxel, which should come as no surprise. Always throwing tantrums and never really seemed to eat anything bigger than a small portion of whatever curry I cooked, so he was picky just like Chariot was. All around a bastard baby, really. He didn’t really start getting onto the battle field until he evolved, in all honesty.

But once he did, hoo boy, he was killin’ the competition like a pro. I feel pretty bad I didn’t take him into the League with me, but I felt like Cubert would’ve been more useful so I swapped ‘im out. I’ve been pulling him back out of the PC box for some more training lately to help him catch up to make up for it, though. And he seems pretty happy about it, so bygones are bygones I suppose.

And it seems he’s still very much taken with Chariot. Sigh, young love, so adorable. Anyways, respects to the OG madhouse that got me through some toughies, you did good out there buddy. ;w;

Alright, well, that’s just about all I have to discuss, for now. I hope this wasn’t too droning of a post or anything. But before you head out, I’ve got a little surprise. Since this was such an interesting experience, I’m opening a new Tumblr based on my journey that will follow my Trainer OC Luna and her adventures through Galar. If you’re curious to check it out, click here. I don’t really have an upload schedule, so just keep your eye out for any posts in the future. Hope you guys enjoy it!

#pokemon #pokemon sword and shield #discussion board #appletun #inteleon #hatterene #eiscue #greedent #centiskorch #toxtricity #god this is long #I'm so tired #maybe I'll talk about the post game soon idk #prolly not

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cozyteez · 5 years ago

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Hii, do u have any tips for writing fics?? I’m so used to writing research reports, lab reports, and formal essays that creative writing has become something I really struggle with. I guess it’s having the freedom to write anything and not knowing how to make sure it’s not corny. I tried outlining a fic one time but it was so frustrating LOLOLOL. Anyways, I love your ateez fics. They are so cute and creative!!

hi !!!! im like rlly touched u asked me and i feel u actually that's why i started this blog; im a biomedical engineering major so as u can imagine i dont get to take much creativity with what i write because writing papers and reports and proposals are so formulaic and u gotta stick to the facts so that being said i actually tested out of all my college writing classes so all my writing knowledge is from ap english in hs lmao so take it w many grians of salt

the #1 thing i do when im feeling sort of unmotivated about a story or maybe like like dragging myself thru mud to write it is to just write the "fun" part first. to me the fun part is usually the climax or maybe the like the "wouldn't it be cute if..." moment that came to mind that inspired me to write a blurb in the first place! then usually once i sort of get the ball rolling on that my brain will help me out and keep the momentum going by thinking of maybe "oohh okay maybe this can happen next" or "oohh and what if this led up to it" or !! just stop there !! something ive learned from my mx writing blog which is like a year older than this one was that you don't owe anybody context especially for a blurb so maybe it really is just 3 sentences of a cute moment u thought of like its whatever ur the one writing it

now for longer fics im going to be honest jongho's first love is my first and only completed attempt at a multi stage coherent story. and that was fueled purely based on the fact that when i look at jongho he just gives off sort a really excited sort of innocence that i wanted to further explore and personify through the idea of him experiencing love for the first time but even then i really struggled w the last part because that's where my personal experience stopped and i had basically nothing to go off of because ive never been in love so i did have to kinda wait for ideas to come to me. for prince yunho i have posted 4 chapters but have all the way through chapter 15 drafted. and by drafted i mean it's like 3 sentences of the overall idea. again, the fic was inspired by the duality between yunho's on stage vs. off stage persona where if somebody was to watch an ateez performance for the first time they may find him very serious and maybe even intimidating but atiny would know that his off stage persona (the one he choses to create for us anyways) is very silly and happy-go-lucky and approachable, which is why prince yunho is seen as narameth's strong and stoic pride and joy but in reality he's sort of clumsy but means well. so i let that and his relationship w xenia who is an original character (OC) sort inspire stories or interactions that i force into a plot line. so for example i believe when i first started thinking abt a prince au for yunho i thought "wouldn't it be funny if the first scene started out painting him as this strong and serious man and then cut to him choking on food or something" and that sort of inspired the idea of him being nervous abt the speech and then xenia came out of that because he needed a complementary character imo since i knew he was gonna be kind of one dimensional and then his backstory with xenia inspired other ideas and then one day i was sad and wanted a hug so that inspired a piece of the plot line and so on. so basically: let an idea or even an aspect of somebody come to you and just write it down, let it inspire other ideas. and don't be afriad to completely start over. i wrote a whole chapter for prince yunho and deleted the whole thing because i hated where it was going and started back from scratch. sometimes you have to revisit things abt your characters and their relationships with others to get a new idea. there's a story in every person and every relationship you just have to find the clues

here's an example of what i mean by "write the good part first". this is typically what the very first draft of a blurb will look like for me

((( blah blah blah basically its raining and y/n is sad bc wooyoung broke her heart two weeks ago idk maybe go into it maybe not)))

y/n is all sad and feeling sorry for themselves on the couch theyre past crying but still feel pretty shitty plus it's storming and cold outside. great

there's a knock on their door ofc they have the cliche "who could that be moment" even tho they lowkey know. we literally all know

so yeah wooyoung's there soaked in rain eyes puffy y/n thinks he's been crying

-this would be the "fun part". i'll fix all that garbage up top later or maybe even change it completely idk yet-

"y/n? i - uh. hi"

he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while you crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to close the door and walk away for good

"hi? really wooyoung? is that the best you can do?"

(((wooyoung does smth idk)))

"well i just -"

"you just what? showed up here in the rain after you broke my heart and didn't even bother to tell me why? this isn't some romance movie, asshole. you can't just come here late at night and expect to find me all sad and willing to take you back because i'm not. so say what you're gonna say so i can get back to my life"

your face was red hot and you trying very hard, probably too hard, to fight back tears. ((( idk talk some more abt y/n's emotions then what wooyoung is doing)))

"look, i made a mistake i-"

"oh my god! why did i know you were gonna do this. i just knew as soon as i saw you-"

"will you let me get a fucking word in!?"

well that was new. in the entire time you'd known him he had never raised his voice at you like that, your shock causing you to immediately close your mouth and fold your arms back into yourself (((make y/n seem more scared))) noticing your reaction, he lowered his voice back down and instictively reached for you, heartbroken at the way you jerked away from his touch

"please y/n, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to raise my voice it's just that i need to tell you that i regret what i did i regret breaking up with you so fucking much and you don't have to take me back i just need you to know how much you meant, no, mean to me. i still love you, a lot. there's not a day, an hour, a minute, or a single second that goes by that i'm not thinking of you"

"then why?"

your voice was small and wavering, your tears now dangerously close to spilling down your cheeks

"why what?"

"why did you break up with me like that, just all of a sudden"

he pushed his hands into his pockets and looked away

"because that morning i woke up before you and when i looked at you asleep next to me, i saw myself spending the rest of my life with you and it scared the shit out of me"

"why did it scare you?"

"because i just figured you didn't feel the same. i was selfish and wanted to save myself heartbreak down the line and so i told you i didn't wanna be with you anymore, but that was a mistake because it turns out i can't function with out you, i can't breathe without you i can't live without you, y/n. i shouldn't have let you go"

tears were now freely flowing down your face (((okay brain no work anymore y/n kisses him duh and then ofc they make up wooyoung prob says smth cheesy and y/n is like ur lucky i love you or smth ahaha the end)))

tl;dr -> don't be afraid to get messy. creative writing is not nearly as structured as academic/scientific writing. write whatever u want first it can even be the middle of a huge fight scene or some dialogue u think is funny. if ur stuck read what you have or maybe just take a break and let an idea come to you. a story doesnt have to come together til the very end so it can be as messy and out of order as u want until u wanna post it. also i would always use the third person omniscient point of view for a longer story like a chaptered fic as a default and only change if it would impact the plot in a negative way. this is where the narrator knows what every character is thinking/feeling and im p sure a teacher in middle school told me it was the easiest to write and follow

#sorry i got carried away #also rmbr how i was like my brain cant stop imagining dramatic and disgusting love confessions in the rain? i meant like that #it's so chessy ik 😔 bleh #amanda talks

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wildshero · 4 years ago

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ooc: welp i went ahead and spoiled AoC for myself, under the cut are spoilers you have been warned

im super disappointed in nintendo for making everyone live. the game would have been so powerful to have the true ending that leads straight into botw. but they just love their split timelines don’t they. not every game has to end happily at risk of spoiling spider man: miles morales that game has a very bitter sweet ending with death involved, and no one is complaining. i just don’t get why they had to ahead and ruin a timeline they already firmly set up. like the game was described as being a view into what happened before the 100 years, but its not that if you go and change the whole damn story.

like ngl if botw 2 takes place after aoc i’ll be kind of disappointed, like aoc erases everything from botw

like all the heartache and shit is erased in aoc, and it takes away everything that link and zelda fought for in botw in order for it to not happen, which is fine, but at the same time like calling forth the “new” champions from the future to fight alongside you isn’t an answer to the problem. it just creates a huge paradox

so from here on out are basically my thoughts to watching the cut scenes

its just bad writing, not to mention straight up stealing the fact that zelda and impa can understand the egg from droids and their “masters” from star wars, the egg is her music box... and plays her lullaby. like stop forcing the egg on us please

why can no one see hestu til zelda can? like scuse me, no link can see the giant brocoli just fine despite this cut scene. also hestu not remembering link in botw if this scene is real? like COME ON

mipha is shit at hiding her crush

the not ganon character is a seer who wants to control their own calamity possessed egg, and sooga is like its not for mortals to control

it is weird seeing link without the slate on his armor, there’s a place for it, but its like not there.

i know its hyrule warriors and you gotta have more than two people going but like impa being there at the spring of courage... like love her all you want but nah fam this aint it also it steals story elements away from link, i know the boy is selectively mute BUT JESUS give him something please

also its like link being the hero means nothing in terms of the slate and the towers, and then the shrines. its like all of it is meaningless in this game, which like revali says what’s the point of link then

calamity comes early? what the hell? this game. im so upset, but also like rhoam getting unnecessarily angry at link for doing what he’s supposed to like jesus fucking christ then he lowkey dies like okay

purah being there when zelda breaks down and its not just link... like the whole story of botw is like fucked, and zelda has time travel tears now

like all the things that happened in botw that built the characters is erased, like everything is a group effort which like is disappointing. i love how the new champions come BUT at the same time it defeats the point of the champions ballad, and the solo battles that link has to face.

alot of the story telling elements are repeated like more obviously than in botw which is saying something

all that the new champions are seeing is for nothing... like they will go back with these memories and it will suck cause they know the current state will have been changed and so what they see will be burdens they carried alone and for nothing for their future people

link’s sacrifice is for nothing, so thanks for diminishing that for me AOC. like him fending off the four blights unlocks zelda’s power but like seriously what is the point of him in this game, he is literally useless, like he straight up disappears. and her power isn’t unlocked via her love, but seeing link fight, and then thinking of the loss of her father

the yiga joined the good side? the fuck aoc

oh link is magically back now. why is he even in this game?

her father isn’t dead but was transported to the temple of time cause of a relic zelda and her mom found. THE PLOT ARMOR, its a shield its literal plot armor oh my god. which lead to her power awakening having no real meaning

literally everything from botw is unwritten, all the strife and everything that was fought for in botw is literally gone

i liked that teba was not a fan of revali’s attitude but like he then becomes a simp for him like dude you can still be in awe and think he’s a jerk to link and in general

ah a blood moon at the end... *eyeroll* okay

harbinger ganon... *squints*

the seer becomes sucked into ganon and the egg attacks zelda and link deflects its blast killing it... WHAT IS THIS WRITING

cool zelda is crying more over this damn egg than her people in BOTW, so zelda is like 5 when her mom dies in the castle (?) its not clear, and her dad is like training only now

also the eggs name is terrako

who needs the master sword the darkness when you’ve got egg boy and zelda’s sealing power, no wonder its shit 100 years later. fi realized she wasn’t fucking needed

slice him through like butter link that’ll do it *eye roll* what happened to that courage power from the fucking master sword scene? what sealing are you doing with that sword? you sliced through him. LIKE?

things that i kinda like, and appreciate character wise

link gets flustered easily. revali revels in the fact that link will be the fallen knight and his reputation what little he has will be ruined, it is also well known that link is in fact a nobody meaning his family is not noble born, but that does not mean his family, read his father, on this blog is a nobody.

urbosa defending link from revali’s bullshit

link fighting malice champions from the totally “not ganon” hooded figure

link is officially considered a champion, and talks with urbosa

impa being pissy with the egg, i feel it. i am tired of the fucking egg pushing himself in too

sooga is the only character i want to see in botw2

link can teleport more than one person is confirmed, though three max is like it in a weakened state.

as much as i hate how many paradoxes this creates, yunobo and sidon’s enterances are very good, and teba’s and riju’s are similar. urbosa recognizing she’s in trouble is very in character for her imo.

i liked that all in hyrule worked together but like at what cost

i prefer this design of calamity ganon

the master sword lets FUCKING DISCUSS

ahahaha no. link pulls the sword when he’s a kid. I WANT TO HAVE A DISCUSSION NINTENDO GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER

like the scene is cool and all but we’re gonna be rewriting that bullshit. the only thing im taking from it is apparently link and the sword together have some courage power a-la zelda’s healing power... NOT THAT IT MATTERS CAUSE HE DOESN’T GET TO FUCKING USE IT

HOWEVER he does not pull it for the first time right then and there, sorry nope, not happening

The story is very much zelda’s which it should be, but like every moment that could have been link’s was taken by another character because of how hyrule warrior’s opperates. like if you want to play as zelda this is your game

im just disappointed, it erases everything from botw quite literally. it gives the new champions memories that they bare alone because zelda and link wont be there in 100 years to help them with it...

link was useless in the game. like you could literally write him out and have the same game, having the master sword literally does fucking nothing because of how OP zelda is. like its called legend of zelda and rightfully so but Link becomes a literal footnote. purah and others takes his place in all the important scenes that were his before.

and like i said if BOTW2 takes place after this its gonna be disappointing and not as dark as nintendo is intending IMO, they should have let this game end the way it does in the lead up to BOTW, it would have been so much more rewarding in my opinion yes you “technically lose” but you would still get some awesome final moments with zelda, and it would hype you up for BOTW.

there were parts i liked obviously, but there were major issues, and this is JUST STORY BASED, im not even talking game play.

#tw: aoc spoilers #ooc: out of memories #i am so disappointed

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jewpacabruhs · 5 years ago

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hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about.

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do.

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it.

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally.

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!

#txt #mine

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gdreamzseternal · 5 years ago

Text

I’d like to thank

@myradfemblog for finding an extremely old porn blog of mine. I forgot it existed and it actually makes me sick to see that I was role playing such sick disgusting trauma that I went through thinking it would help when it made me so much worse. Thank you for abusing me over something I repeatedly asked you to give me the link to because I wasn’t going to go through your slander about me to find it.

I want to also say thanks because you pointing that out and me seeing that made me cry both from being triggered and realizing how far I’ve come. That I am extremely kink critical now. When I used to be heavily into it. That I don’t whore myself out anymore because “sex work makes me strong”. God I used to genuinely believe that. Makes me sick. I was so so sick. I was still victimizing myself back then...

But now.. I am a survivor.

Everyone advocated for and ignored the dangers of extreme methods of “beat the child into submission”. (Looking at you old people) It’s so sad cause I still see it now. The way a person who I had a normal discussion with suddenly gets to violently abuse me and degrade me just because they didn’t like what I had to say. Sounds like abusive parents. Everything’s cool til it’s not.

My dad beat my ass cause at 9 years old because I looked him in the eyes and told him to stop drinking cause he was being mean. Telling the truth got me abused. Look at that what a surprise.

Humans communicate differently than other creatures on the planet. Does that mean the other creatures don’t communicate? No. That just means they do things different. They don’t need vaccines because they were meant to survive and live here. If humans didn’t have their science we would all be dead! We are in a race with the planet to see who can kill who first. Will we kill the planet (which kills us too idiots) or will the planet eradicate us via disease and natural disasters and heal itself and start over (we still dead). Or do we chill on our population and help the earth heal by bein more considerate of our surroundings. Yeah none of you like me because I say it how it is without thinking about how it will affect any of you. So that means you get to abuse me. I’m not hurting anyone by simply sharing my views. Yet I am being hurt for speaking my views. I’m not actively slitting the throats of disabled people. I’m not saying we have to round up the retards that already exist and just shoot them. They should just be left in their natural form. Yeah give artificial limbs out cause that’s science but giving a nasty fat fuck a wheel chair cause boohoo they can’t loose weight? Nah true waste of resources. I’m saying we use the science that is our only advantage to prevent that from ever happening again.

All I’m doing is talking on MY BLOG. & I get death threats and told I should be raped by my father all over again. Simply for sharing my feelings on what will 1000000% save the greater good. It doesn’t even have to be permanent. Imagine if every grown man had to get a vasectomy for the next 20 years til all the excited potential parents get throughly processed to see if they are psychologically, psychically, financially and home stable to have children. Then there is a massive database of all the adorable kids waiting to find homes and they get to meet and have a 30 day period where THE CHILD decides if they like their new potential parents. Every couple/person wanting to adopt can adopt up to 2 kids and the kids get a say too.

Humans are not special and I don’t care if you disagree with me. Yet for some reason we literally act like gods gift (complete pun intended) That think who fucking cares what we do to everything around us including ourselves because this is OUR EARTH. We can do what WE WANT. Blah blah blah. Then the WHITE MEN put control on EVERYONE. Then slowly we colored folk said fuck you and made our own lives cause who gives a flying fuck about someone’s skin color except for white people. Then the humans just started literally takin over. Who cares if a bunch of birds nests lived in this tree? I want my new condo that I spend 2-3 months a year in right fucking here so the homes of those birds don’t matter. Let’s massively hunt these animals into extinction for our pleasure. (Okay Hitlers)

We are selfish

I wasn’t raised like you. I wasn’t raised by anyone but my own fucking brain. I never had any positive influences but the voices in my head. We see the world for what it is and not the false reality im creating for myself. I won’t even say ‘most’ if you were raised right because even today in 2019 the system and adults hide the abuse and damage that is really happening. Clearly this whole system isn’t working.

I was raised that literally everything in the whole world was both good and bad. So I learned to be objective and unbiased. Your feelings are what get you killed. Ask any dead kid who didn’t speak up about their abusive parents. And any bleeding out gangbanger who got felt offended by a color and killed someone over it. Someone who felt the desire to get high cause they have no self control and killed some to get $$. But it wasn’t them because even though they felt the need to do the drugs it wasn’t their fault.

So why are we going to keep adding more and more children to the solution when we don’t even know what to do with the poor innocent souls that we have now? We just pretend it’s not that big a deal and keep adding feul (the kids) to the fire (the shitty system). CLEARLY you all know there’s a problem and nothing any of you are doing is working.

So when do we take extreme measures? When do we ACTUALLY make a change. We have nuclear bombs hell ANY bomb and those are okay “when absolutely necessary” but allowing people to have kids they can’t afford, can’t raise, got raped into them, got one night standed with, can’t handle. A BOMB AFFECTS HUMANS AND THE ENVIRONMENT NEGATIVELY. Humans getting neutered (since that’s what you call it for other creatures) will effect the world positively. The bombs are okay though? We can MASS destroy life but we can’t mass PREVENT it from having to be destroyed or emotionally ruined in the first place? Not forever just til we get our shit together.

The abominations and retards. That’s EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE that’s why no one likes when you mention it. They are like the endless elephant in the room. I will die by the quote, “A few bad apples ruins the whole barrel”. We think that it’s perfectly okay to keep adding bad genes to our makeup while simultaneously praying we live forever. It’s so tiresomely contradicting.

If you can all make such a fucking effort for these retard abominations that you breed. Then you can STOP breeding COMPLETELY until you give the kids homes that need them. Those kids will be more likely to become doctors getting adopted out to good homes. Then if they get left to rot in a shitty system while they walk in a grocery store with their mean foster mom and see a happy young couple PREGNANT with their first child when they could have adopted him. If you choose to give birth instead of adopting then you might as well walk up to a kid in a foster/group home and tell them they are garbage and ain’t ever going anywhere.

I still haven’t had my question answered... why does ANY HUMAN ON THIS ENTIRE PLANET need to breed when there are already so many homeless children?

So what is it are we going to stop breeding and adopt all the kids out to good homes that have been more throughly evaluated than a simple background check and having enough beds and money?

Are we going to keep creating a whole brand new system for the retards when the perfectly able children who would flourish with good parents system is still completely fucked?

Giving whole TV shows to literal human abominations for entertainment. Or humans that are forced to overbreed or sickly do it “for religious reasons”. You get to see how much their disability/struggles makes their life so hard but they are so ~brave and strong~ because society would rather force conjoined twins to spend their lives together or die trying to separate because human euthanasia is wrong until a human kills another human???????

Where does that make sense.

We are going to keep worrying more about the dysfunctional, malfunctioned, rejects of our society before the regular ones? We are going to keep following fake gods we have no proof of so that we don’t have to accept the realities of human nature.

Are we going to not do anything and ignore all the clear issues and keep adding more kids?

The same can be said about the immigrant shit in America. We have so many problems we don’t need anymore people and this place is fucked why would you wanna come here anyway? (I digress on this)

Are we going to keep throwing children out like trash in hopes that someone else will raise the busted nut you let fester in your womb?

Like out of those which one of these which one is the best option? Because all but one are things we are already doing and it isn’t working.

So hate me for being unbiased. But as my therapist (yes I discuss this with BOTH my Ts to make sure I am not delusional) put it. I am not looking at it for the benefit of humans. I’m looking at the benefit of the earth as a whole. I don’t want humans to all die off. But if it’s what it has to take in order for this planet to survive then so be it. There are so many other species, creatures, life on this Planet.

To put it simply you’re all simpleminded.

There is no god because Humans seem to think they are god. & we can breed, have our technology, have our vaccines. But as long as we are still over breeding and not adequately using our resources....

The Human Rights we are fighting for will not matter if there is nothing for the humans to live on.

This Earth is our home and there are too many of us right now. Too many of us doing too many wrong things.

Focus on the Human Wrongs then there will be no need for Human Rights because they will realize they are all just another species on this glorious and beautiful earth.

I know none of you were take anything from this.

You all were taught one way or you think one way and that is it there can’t be any other way and anyone else who thinks differently than that is wrong but at the end of the day my ideas are what will save humanity your ideas are what will destroy it. Your safe space will be irrelevant if you have no where to put it.

A human’s need to add feeling and emotion to everything is our biggest flaw.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk Typing Podcast

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raiswriting · 5 years ago

Text

dancing with your ghost

inspired by this song

warnings: symptoms that are similar to mental health issues like depression but never explicitly stated

genre: pure angst sorry

pairing: lucas/yukhei wong x reader

summary: ummm heartache???? basically the aftermath of a ‘hey let’s pretend to be dating bc i need someone to take to this wedding and you need someone to scare off your ex’ type of story

word count: 1582

a/n: lmao i am reposting this because it absolutely flopped the first time hehehe ALSO i made a playlist to go with this story. the first half or so is the same playlist that is mentioned in the story then the second half is more about the theme of it. i put way too much effort into it but i hope you enjoy it!!

there was an emptiness that couldn’t be filled

an ache that couldn’t be soothed

a feeling of nostalgia for what never was

honestly you couldn’t be sure if this hole in your chest was a bad thing anymore. you’d grown so used to it that the thought of one day living with out it seemed so fantastical and out of reach. you found a sort of morbid comfort in the sorrow

time has slipped away as routine comfortably took its place. mondays became indistinguishable from wednesday or friday. the only thing separating saturday and sunday from the rest was the lack of work.

your thoughts drifted from the idea of getting up and taking a shower or even just washing your face to the cup of tea that’s been sitting on the coffee table and once more to your phone lying next to it. it lit up with yet another text message to which you would send yet another half-assed response of ‘id love to get together but work has been super busy lately and i need a me weekend.’ you wonder how many more ‘me weekends’ you’d be able to have before someone saw through it.

you just couldn’t have that face to face conversation with any of them. how do you explain that none of it was serious. or that all he needed was someone to take to family get-togethers for when his uncles would ask about his love life. or that you had grown so used to his hand in yours that the emptiness you felt when he wasn’t there scared you. or that you missed him. how could you look someone in the eyes and say that you had not only lost a love but also a best friend. how do you describe that hurt. how do you say that you feel unlovable. how.

you couldn’t say those thoughts aloud because as soon as you did they’d become real. he would really be gone. and happy. and in love. and you would have to admit that you were hurting. you’d have to admit that it was really over.

so instead you lay here on the sofa. and keep it all in. sometimes you can’t help but remember him. and how happy he’d been.

the knock on your door drew your attention from the sheet of cookies ready to go into the oven.

there he stood in the doorway with a smile so bright that it put the stars on the clearest of nights to shame.

‘hey y/n’ he pulled you into a warm embrace. the scent of his cologne was intoxicating. strong and inviting, the prefect reflection of his personality.

‘hey lucas. i wasn’t expecting to stop by today.’

‘yeah i just wanted to share some good news with you. like really good news. like i came here as fast as I could kind of news.’ he spoke so excitedly as he followed you back into the kitchen.

‘well spit it out,’ you reply while placing the sheet of cookies in the oven.

‘i found someone,’ his smile wider than ever.

you almost dropped the sheet of cookies as you took in what he said. you knew this day would come. the day he would find someone to actually love and care for. the day he no longer needed you. but still you hoped and prayed that maybe there was something there. maybe the secret touches shared between just the two of you actually meant something. that maybe he’d choose you.

he didn’t.

‘so get this. i was walking into the coffee shop on seventh street that me and you usually go to. and i bumped into this gorgeous girl and spilled her whole coffee so i offered to buy her a new one.’ he rubbed the back of his neck and looked to the floor. ‘so cheesy and cliché i know. but y/n this girl. we talked and talked and she made everything seem to….right. when I looked into her eyes i just felt…’ he sighed and leaned against the counter.

‘…like everything just seemed to make sense for once.’ you finished the sentence for him as you checked on the cookies.

‘yeah exactly’ he didn’t even try the hide his love struck expression. it was clear as day that he was really falling. ‘when i talked to her it was so easy. almost as if we knew each other for years.’

we did.

you looked him in the eyes for the first time since he broke the news and forced a smile to your face. you couldn’t even fathom the idea of ruining this for him.

‘lucas im ecstatic for you.’

‘really?’

‘of course. if there’s anyone who deserves true love and happiness in life, it’s you.’ and you meant that. it just hurts that he found it in someone else.

‘and hey. at least now you actually have someone to take to all your family functions.’

he chuckled lightly, ‘yeah you’re right. i don’t know if your cheeks could handle another one if aunt maya’s pinches.’

‘the pinches i could handle,’ you say as you forced a laugh out, ‘but I’d have to buy a gym membership if i had another dinner at your parents house.’

‘it’s not my fault mom loves insisting on third helpings’ this time he let out a full real laugh, remembering all the shared glances between the two of you at a dinner table. wondering how you could possibly eat another slice of meatloaf.

‘we can celebrate your new found love with some cookies, if you’d like. they should be done in a minute or two.’

the smile dropped slightly from his face. ‘oh y/n. i’d love to really but i promised angelina that i’d meet her again for coffee. i just stopped by the tell you the good news.’

‘of course, of course. you should get going then. a love like this comes around once in a life time.’ and who am i to stand in the way of someone living their lifetime.

lucas cast a sympathetic look before pushing himself off of the counter and embracing you once more.

‘thank you for everything y/n. seriously. you’ve helped me out so much. if you need anything let me know.’ his cologne was still so strong. and it hurt to know that someone else was going to experience it like this.

‘that’s what best friends are for lucas. you’ll be the first person i call when im sick and throwing up everywhere.’

you could feel him chuckle lightly before placing a kiss on the top of your head.

‘you got it y/n.’

the door shut, leaving you alone.

your hands shook as you took the cookies out of the oven and set the tray in the stove top. they shook as you turned it off. they shook as you took off the oven mits. they shook as you ran them down your face only to find them wet with tears. and they shook as you lowered yourself to the kitchen floor.

your hands were steady now and found their way to that playlist like muscle memory. you had long since deleted all the photos of you and him. but you just couldn’t find the strength to delete this. he had made it for you before the whole fiasco of pretending to be together had ever crossed either of your minds. he said that ‘these song remind me of us.’ and maybe you had gotten your own hopes up. maybe you had searched too deeply between the lines of lyrics. maybe you looked so hard that you had only found what you wanted to. because they were just songs. songs of bad timing and unrequited love. but at the end of the day still. just. songs.

as they played throughout the room. filling the stale silence as your body began to move, lifting you from the couch. your gaze landing on the sweater which rested on the arm of a chair. it was his. he had left it accidentally when spending the night here one time. you had meant to give it back for some time now but haven’t been able to. everytime you had gained the courage to call him and ask him over, he was busy. eventually you stopped calling. and he stopped texting. stopped checking in. so there the sweater sits. still smelling of him.

your body began to move once more reaching out for it and pulling it close to you. maybe if you breathed in enough of his scent, it’d feel like he was here with you again. of course it didn’t but it was as close you could get.

your hips swayed to the rhythm. as your feet worked their way around the living room. stepping over pillows and discarded take out. you danced for the first time in what felt like years. you felt the tears fall but paid them no mind. still clutching the article of clothing impossibly close to you, you sang along with the lyrics.

Yelling at the sky

Screaming at the world

Baby, why’d you go away?

I’m still your girl

Holding on too tight

Head up in the clouds

Heaven only knows

Where you are now

I stay up all night

Tell myself I’m alright

Baby, you’re just harder to see than most

I put the record on

Wait ‘til I hear our song

Every night I’m dancing with your ghost

a/n: there it is. i was listening to this song today and got super inspired and just had to write. there’s also a reference to a hobo johnson song if you can find it ;) thanks for reading. let me know if you’d like a prequel to this when reader and lucas were together. i hope you enjoyed and pls feel free to leave constructive criticism. thanks, rai :)

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diningpageantry · 5 years ago

Note

I love your work!!!! If you’re still doing requests could you do Incinerate by Sonic Youth♥️

"You're not supposed to play with fire, you know." He sounds all cocky, and I don't know whether it's because he thinks he found me doing something nefarious like draining the wildlife, or it's because he actually realizes the depressing reality of what is happening and he's reveling in it.

Because it is depressing. I am depressing. I'm an 18 year old boy sitting alone in the shittiest patch of woodland on this god forsaken island, and I'm just playing with a little handful of fire.

Just spark on my sleeve could end me. Doesn't take long for it to get to my skin, and then, poof, I'm done for.

He could blow it onto me. Then at least Snow could take that single victory over me.

"Well, I am, so bugger off."

He frowns down at me, a few of his curls falling into his face (it's always a bit shaggy by spring time, and though I do loathe the nasty buzz he gives himself, I'd prefer if he just had it well kept). Then, once he probably decides that I'm not doing anything directly that he sees as an issue, he looks around us like it's some set up and another chimera will come barreling out for us. As if he didn't follow me out into the woods sneakily.

He did quite a shit job at the sneakily part, too. I could hear him coming a mile away--Simon Snow has flat feet and a thundering stomp to go with it. He's the furthest thing from subtle.

"What're you doing?" He's so fucking dumb. I wonder if I could snog the dumb out of him.

"Sitting."

"At two in the fucking morning? In the Wavering Fucking Wood?"

"Language."

"Fuck you."

"Piss off," I raise my head, glaring halfheartedly back at him as he just stares down. "I'm having a minute to think. Aren't I allowed space to think without half dying of smoke inhalation from your brainless inability to hold yourself together--"

He sits down beside me. Apparently I'm not allowed space.

"Well what're you thinking about."

"Murder. The Bee Gees. The inevitable heat death of the universe."

He blinks, staring at his palms then at me. "All in that order?"

I grunt. "You're an idiot, Snow."

"And you're engaging me. Doesn't that make you half as guilty?"

I should just get up and sit somewhere else.

And I try to, except Snow grabs my arm and drags me back. "Wait."

"For what?"

He shrugs. "I wanna know why you're here."

Innocent enough, but still something that makes me skip a beat on the inside. "What's it to you?"

"Well if you're not plotting..."

I grunt, trying to yank myself from his grip. "We're done with this conversation."

He pouts--actually pouts--and holds me in place.

In the soft moonlight, he seems a lot less godly in the odd statuesque way he holds himself in (or rather, the one The Mage holds him in). His jaw is a lot softer, and the protrusion of his adam's apple just creates a soft little notch of a shadow. I think about running my thumb over it, then stop my eyes from even holding. It's not very becoming of me to be that pathetic.

"Why don't you ever just talk?" I half convince myself that he sounds hurt, and wants to actually, I don't know, be "friendly", but I know we burned those bridges long ago.

All we have standing now is years of bitterness, and understanding of mutual aims for destruction, and a hope that maybe it won't come to that. I hope on the latter one.

"Because we have nothing to talk about."

"We sort of do."

I turn my upper lip upwards in a snarl. "You're just trying to make conversation since the bridge closed on us."

He stops, then shifts. "No."

"You're a horrendous liar, Snow. Never try to wiggle out of anything serious."

"Thanks for the advice, I'll avoid anything with capital punishment involved."

I nearly laugh at that one, but I don't even give him a smile.

He looks defeated, but it's so ridiculously realistic of him to push on with his efforts regardless. "C'mon. Talk."

"About what?"

He shrugs, and I snort back at him.

"You're awful at this."

"I'm trying!" He cries defensively, raising his hands up. I'm free. I could sprint away, if I wanted.

"Try harder, then."

He glares over, then shifts onto his knees, facing me. He's going to be scrubbing at those grass stains for weeks. "Why do you play with fire?"

"Wrong question. Try something new."

"I'm serious." His hand brushes my arm, then rests against my wrist. His fingers slowly start to close, catching my skin as I suck in a breath that I hope he doesn't notice.

"You won't like the answer.

"And?"

I shift, staring hard at his hand. I never noticed the freckle below the split betweenhis ring finger and pinkie. "Maybe I like the chance," I say, quieter than I'd planned.

I can't see his face, but I hear the shock in his voice. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I like the chance of going up in flames." His knuckles are a pale blue in this light. Like the inside light of a torch. "Doesn't take much of a wrong move."

"Merlin." He doesn't pull away. I like that. I like staring at Snow's hand knuckle. "Why would you want that chance, even?"

"Rather die by fate than by someone else's hands." I sound harsh. Bitter. Like the future pain of his blade has gone through my ribs, sliding into me like im the butter he adores because I'm so incredibly soft for him.

He goes quiet. So long that I have to look at him--only raising my eyes to see him looking at our hands as well.

"Do you think I want to kill you?"

"Final victory, wouldn't it be?"

He yanks back suddenly, scanning over me. "Wouldn't you fight back?"

I stop, jaw going slack as I freeze in place. I can't take it back now, I suppose. "I never said that."

"You didn't deny--"

"What the hell are you trying to get at, Snow?" I snap.

"Do you think I want to kill you?" He raises his voice, and enough magic spills out of him to make the air all fuzzy. It makes me disoriented, vision spinning just enough for me to force my eyes shut.

"What does it matter, it's going to happen regardless?" I grumble, rubbing my temples. Snow's inadvertent magic always gives the worst contact high.

I shock to the feeling of hands on mine, slipping around my palms and dragging them between us. "I don't want to kill you."

"You should."

"I don't want to kill anyone." He sounds disgusted. Hurt. Like he's directing the concept of death onto me.

Like I'm the Grim Reaper, sitting before him in cloak and scythe, ready to claim bodies around me.

The thought makes me feel sick, tasting the blood from the rabbit I'd drained an hour ago. Maybe I am the monster he sees.

"Then let the fire do your work for you. You've got clean hands, and it saves everyone a bit of energy."

His hands squeeze around mine. "Stop saying that."

I look directly at him as a challenge. "Why?"

"Because I don't want you dead," he whispers, scooting closer.

"Unlikely story."

He frowns. "I'm serious. You can't die on me."

"Why not?"

"What would I do without you?"

I stare at him, biting back any emotion as I spit out "Live."

He shocks back, then seems to panic, and in the moment, I don't quite know what he's doing. In fact, I'm just more confused when he reaches up towards my face, settling a palm onto my jaw as I go rigid.

"You can't just fucking say that," he mumbles, shaking his head.

I don't know what he's doing. He's coming in close, and my last ditch mental distraction is just believing that he's coming into a really slow, disappointingly low-impact headbutt.

Instead, I startle at the feeling of his lips pressed to mine.

They're soft--delicate. Easy to push away if I wanted, but real enough that I know they're there.

It's not exactly how I'd ever imagined my first kiss. Especially not my first kiss with Snow, but then again, I'd imagined that one with the death we'd fought over earlier.

I sit still for the moment, struggling to process it before he starts goint to move away. In a panic, I grab his hair and jam him forward, forcibly pressing our lips together for a more awkward, more urgent kiss.

He smiles, and I feel my entire body wash over in what I'd imagine flames to be. Tingling, numbing sensations, running from head to toe as he rubs my cheek, letting me soften my kiss before he tilts into a serious one.

We don't pull back til I'm out of breath, and he's fully pink in the face.

"What was that?" I whisper, making it perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever said.

He grins a bit, thumb dragging down my bottom lip. "Call it life reassurance," he breathes, going in for another kiss.

This time, I don't waste a second before snogging him back.

#oops let's pretend simon and agatha broke up by this point skdjdjj #asks #anon #snowbaz #ficlet #fanfic #fic #mine

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lil-purplebird · 5 years ago

Text

Handle with Care - Chapter Thirteen

Fandom: Pokémon

Rating: NC-17

Genre: Romance/Drama

Words: 16,494

Pairing: Mewtwo/Mew

Summary: Having been loving mates for five years, Mew desires for a baby, even though Mewtwo feels the opposite, believing he cannot have offspring. As strong as their bond is, receiving nothing but bad news and unfortunate events slowly tears them apart and pushes their relationship to the edge. A fragile heart can break in any hand that handles it for too long. It can be put back together as many times as possible, but it’ll never be the same.

Note: while the fan fic is still on-going, uploading the chapters are going to be sporadic at best. The chapters may be uploaded daily, weekly, or whenever I get banners finished.

Can also be read here.

The cold twilight air stung her nostrils and throat when Mew slowly inhaled, rubbing at her eyes for what had to be the fourth time since getting up. She blinked up at the dark trees, picking at the corners of the card and readjusting her scarf to cover her shoulders. Her ears perked as Mewtwo exited the house and locked the door, having just finished his last-minute security checks. Once he pinned a note beneath the knocker, he turned to look at her with a gentle, yet tired, smile on his lips.

“Nervous, dear?”

She shook her head a little as he walked up to her side, throwing on his cloak. “I'm just a bit sorry we're leaving on such short notice.”

Leaving before the break of dawn wasn't ideal either, but neither of them had slept well to begin with. Mew had tried, it was just too awkward to lie beside him after months of having the bed to herself.

“Have any of the neighbors made plans with you?” he inquired.

“Not at all.”

“Then there are no regrets to be had.” He rubbed his cold knuckles against her cheek, which she shivered from. “They will understand.”

The petite feline shifted a little, glancing over at the note to find Mewtwo had written only two simple sentences:

We left for a small vacation. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Mew knew he was right that they didn't need an explanation. She could briefly recall Wigs telling her however-long-ago to take a vacation, and the others were quick to agree. Even Marjorie, whom she hadn't spoken to (let alone seen) since the fight, reportedly wanted her to go on one, and wished for a full recovery. For all of her faults, the specter had a good heart when it came to her neighbors.

Placing her hand in his, she passed him the invitation. “Do you happen to recognize the address?”

Skimming through it, the clone shook his head a little. “Nothing comes to mind. We just need to pop into a human services center for a quick research, is all.”

She grimaced a little. “But we'll get caught...”

“That is why we are leaving early. Most of them have of yet to open their doors.”

“But it'll take a couple of hours to get to the nearest city by flight,” she added, tugging at her scarf.

A chill ran up her spine at the sly beam in his eye, and her mouth formed an “O” in realization. Holding her close with an arm, he covered her eyes with his other hand, coaxing her to relax and clear her mind. There was a slight howl of wind and sensation of stretching past dimensions before he released her a second later. Numerous sounds hit her eardrums at once, making her quickly flinch and throw up a shield before she would look around.

They were in an alley, the walls and trash bins covered in crude art and other grime. The streets were empty, but there were clearly sounds of crowds bustling down unseen roads. Right in front of them was a stout but sterile building, the window strip dark to inform them it was of yet to open for business.

Mew stared up at what little of the hazy sky there was before turning to Mewtwo. Her face steadily fell in slight disapproval at the smile he was sporting. “You come here behind my back, don't you.”

“Seldom do I come here,” he rectified unashamedly. “But I did scavenge your cooking utensils from a restaurant near here when we moved into our home.”

“So you did rob from humans?” she gasped, dropping her shield.

“They were replacing them, so I took them off their hands. I sterilized them before use and made repairs where necessary.”

Even with clarification, she still frowned up at him.

Mewtwo gestured for her to wait in place before teleporting inside the building. Mew cautiously approached to peer through the glass as he switched on one of the computers and shortly began operating it. From the bluish glow lit on his face, his brows only furrowed once as he stared thoughtfully at whatever he was looking at. A thought came to mind on how she was lucky to have become friends with him, she knew of no other Pokémon who understood human technology as well as he.

Pawing at the ball of wool dangling from the scarf, the feline cast her eyes about the streets, flinching whenever a figure in the distance walked across an adjacent road. Glancing back inside, she did a double-take at the gleam of lenses installed in a corner behind Mewtwo. In a panic, she transported herself to his side, grabbing him by the shoulders.

“Mewtwo, I think you're being watched!” she announced, pointing at the device above them, then spotted a few more in the office whirling her head about.

He didn't bother turning away from the screen. “I had disabled the cameras when we were outside,” he responded, psychically punching in letters (the moving keys looked to be too small for him, so he was miming a glowing hand above it). “The humans will not notice a thing. Ah, here we are.”

Mew blinked at how bland everything before her looked. “This is human entertainment?”

“It is an information search engine, it is not supposed to look exciting.” Briefly glancing down at the invitation on the desk, he fluidly inserted the address into the white bar in the middle. “These humans need to get better security installed. It was not that hard to hack into their database.”

“You broke into technology?”

Mewtwo gave her an aside glance. “Why should you worry? It is not like I was going to take this home.”

She sighed a little, folding her arms. “But you would, right?”

“Not this particular piece with its flimsy cybersecurity. I would be more comfortable building my own operating system from scratch.” His eyes then lit up at the images that popped up on the screen, and he deeply frowned. “It is the address of the hotel mentioned in the invitation.”

Mew rolled her eyes. “That was pointless,” she muttered.

“Not exactly, since it is located at Indigo Plateau.” He looked down at the printed address again. “Which makes sense, considering his celebrity status.”

“Doesn't matter, it was right there in our faces.”

Mewtwo raised his brows at her. “Why are you getting so worked up over it? Have you ever been there?”

She slightly pursed her lips. “I've traveled a lot myself, so I may have flown by it. Don't give me that look, Mewtwo, I don't always drop by to ask for the name of places I've seen.”

He quickly pulled up a picture of a large stadium. “Then have you seen this before, by any chance?”

Mew tilted her head, glancing away. “...maybe...”

The clone shook his head, doing a few other things on the screen before shutting off the machine, throwing them into shadow. “Not that it matters at this point. I know where the place is, so we shall head there immediately.”

“But the time zones?”

“It is a couple of hours ahead of ours.”

Mew's brows knitted. “So we'll be out in broad daylight?”

“Of course not, we will camp out someplace nearby. When it is dark and quiet, we can go for a walk, go for a swim, go dining, anything you want.”

She squirmed a little in place. “Do we have to sleep 'til then?”

“Not exactly.”

Her ears drooped a little, swiping the card away before crossing her arms. “We should've thought this through.”

He gave her an exasperated look, but still pulled her in close to teleport themselves away. Before her eyes, the gray dreariness transitioned to a highland of luscious greens and blues, the sun having just passed over the mountaintops. They could take it all in from above, everything from the bordering woods to the lively village that surrounded a large stadium. Mew felt an energy reverberating in the air, and the building didn't look like it was currently in use with its closed rooftop.

“Interesting how active it is,” Mewtwo noted. “It is not time for the Indigo League to be hosted, and yet the streets are crowded.”

“People do live here, right?” Mew questioned. “It's just a community with one attraction?”

“It does not have a city population, for certain. Perhaps these are the guests.”

She blinked down at them, slowly sucking in a breath. “He knows all of these people?”

He quietly chuckled. “I suppose so.” Glancing over at her, he nodded his head to the side. “Let us find ourselves shelter. We can tour later, if you wish.”

Tucking the invitation into her scarf, they traveled a ways searching the plateaus for any caves. Finding none, they hunted down any large trees to duck under and ended up combing the perimeter before coming across some pitched tents by the lake. No other signs of humans were nearby except for the occasional intercom announcement in the distance, and despite none of them being currently occupied, Mew wouldn't allow Mewtwo to borrow one.

“That was never my 'intent',” he joked, smirking wryly.

“Seriously, Mewtwo?” she groaned, fixing her scarf.

“It was on im-'poles'.”

She caught on to what he was doing, but she couldn't even muster a scoff. “I'm not in the mood for this, Mewtwo,” she muttered, flying off along the banks.

He was back at her side in the blink of an eye. “How about we play a game?”

Mew furrowed her brows at his sly smile. “Why? Are you up to something?”

“Of course. I will let you pick.”

She frowned a little, not liking this sudden eager side of him. It felt forced, even if it was out of impulse (she shuddered thinking back to his pun moments ago).

With a shrug, he spoke up when she remained quiet, “Well, if you are not going to pick, then I will suggest tag.”

“Mewtwo, you've never played it with me.”

“Times change.”

Mew turned her head, grasping her scarf closer. “I don't like where this is going...”

Swerving in front of her, Mewtwo gently touched her shoulders to stop her, dropping them when she flinched. “I mean it, Mew,” he said softly, his expression faltering. “We agreed to treat this as a vacation. I want to spend time with you, and before we can relax, you will need to take a breather.”

Her gaze lowering, she took a glimpse at the reflections in the water. She couldn't see themselves very well at the angle they were currently at, so she followed the shimmering sun spots toward a rock formation further across the lake where the mouth of the river was. As though drawn to it, she backed away from the clone, shooting him a glance.

“Then can't you pick an activity that you would actually like?” she quietly suggested. “Something that could... give us a little space?”

“Hide-and-seek.”

She almost grimaced from how quickly he answered. “You'll cheat.”

“I will not.” His toes scarcely skimmed the water's surface as he approached her.

She matched his gait-like speed while still keeping a respectable distance. “You find a way to cheat at everything.”

“And I am telling you, you cannot cheat at sex.”

“And I'm saying you would find a way!”

“Everything has loopholes.”

The feline whipped around fast enough for the bulb of her tail to sweep over the cool surface. She tried to look past the mischievous twinkle she caught in his eye. “Are you pulling my leg? That has to be it, right?”

With a smirk, he swooped in to snatch one of her legs and pull it to his side. “Now I am,” he purred.

Mew blushed as her heart fluttered and her hands curled against her chest, realizing she had been played. “Wha... what has gotten into you?!”

His fingers gently squeezed. “Your face is red, a result of being thrust into a situation that has made you embarrassed, or aroused.”

She immediately shoved herself away and hurried over to the rocks, only to turn around and shout, “That's not funny, Mewtwo!”

“Well, I thought it was clever.”

“It's not! Your jokes aren't funny, Mewtwo!” Mew swallowed down the lump that threatened to break her voice. Sitting down, she bunched up the scarf around her lower face even though the growing heat (both from the daylight and her still-pounding heart) was making her squirm in discomfort.

A quiet moment passed before she looked back up, noticing he hadn't budged from where he levitated. Despite the eye-contact, she had a feeling he wasn't actually looking at her. It was after he tilted his head back that he spoke again, “If we are finished with our bantering, do you wish to accompany me for a morning swim?”

She gradually scowled as his words sank in. Glancing down at the water for a second, she slowly shook her head. “This isn't like you,” she murmured. “None of this is adding up.”

“Could you speak up, dear? The rapids are a tad loud here.”

Gritting her teeth and fur bristling, she raised her voice, “Just go on without me. Only you are crazy enough to swim in the winter.”

He kept quiet, making her squirm at how profound his eyes looked. Then he canted his head, casting a shadow over half of his face. “Interesting. Well, as a brief reminder, I still remember the time when our roles were once reversed.” He turned to dive into the water, cloak and all, and vanished.

Staring after where he left, Mew curled up in her scarf and dropped her eyes to the folded card. Tapping her toes together, hollow pangs vibrated in her chest as his words sank in. “I guess... you can't help lying to yourself, too.”

*~*~*

Dropping his façade, Mewtwo made his way back to shore, but remained hidden by keeping to the treetops. With ease, he dried himself and his cloak off without slowing in his drifting while minding his distance from the village. He didn't have a reason for going on a stroll through the outskirts, and it was possible his weariness from a restless sleep still had a hold on him, but he needed some space for a quick breather. The hassle with Mew's unstable attitude was something he had expected to go through, yet it was no less frustrating having her constantly shoot him down.

A peal of giggles brought him pause, noticing he had come across something he shouldn't have. It was clear it was spontaneous given how the couple had deliberately isolated themselves from the crowds to have some privacy. They weren't very aware of their surroundings, too engrossed in cozying up to one-another and giving in to desire beneath the shade. Mewtwo knew better than to spy on them, and once the man's hand disappeared under the woman's blouse, he went down a different path to clear his thoughts.

By the time the clone returned to Mew with a handful of fruits he had scavenged for breakfast, he found her asleep, buried in her scarf and invitation in hand. While disappointed he had missed his chance to voice his concerns right then, he honestly couldn't blame her for being fatigued. Carefully picking the feline up, he followed the river until he found a ridge partially hidden by a hanging tree they could take shelter on. Gently tugging the cloth away and rolling it into a makeshift pillow, he lay her down on it in the shade as well as her share, slipped the card beneath the scarf, then sat down by the riverbank to watch the current.

Slowly munching on an apple, Mewtwo mulled on if they had made the right choice given their rife situation. The events of yesterday were still too fresh and they had lacked the energy and fortitude to fully talk about it. How was he certain leaving the house for a few days could heal them? Even if it was to help them look at it from a different point-of-view, what were they going to accomplish? Were they going to swallow down enough pride to confess their wrongdoings, or try to warp it into something that was “necessary”? What question or confession was going to be the clincher, for better or for worse?

How were any of them going to forgive each other? Could they even forgive themselves for hurting not just each other but everyone around them? Would it be able to patch up their reputations?

Huffing, Mewtwo hurled the apple core he had finished into the bushes and reached for the next fruit in the pile. It didn't take long for him to find himself subconsciously fiddling with the seeds he picked out, and remembered how he'd consult with Mew about the kinds of foods she wanted to grow and would pocket the ones she wanted to take home. Having been without a garden for weeks didn't change his habit, but he chose not to bother and instead flicked the seeds out of sight.

Rising, he glanced up at the sky where he noticed clouds were rolling in, and studied the ridge. Rain wasn't absolute, though there was no way to keep themselves out of the elements. Choosing to wing it, Mewtwo flapped out his cloak before tying a corner on a branch with nearby creeping ivy, and the other end pinned under a boulder. As he smoothed it out and down the sides, he glanced over at Mew, who was still sound asleep. He didn't expect to hear from her in a while, yet when he strained his ears, he caught a mumble.

Cautiously, he slipped through the cloak to sneak closer, peering down at her profiled face until her body repositioned onto her stomach, bending a leg doing so. The tip of her tail gently plodded and an ear flicked, a movement he couldn't help cracking a smirk over. Careful not to nudge her, he enclosed the scarf around her.

Then a small breath hitched which made him wince, immediately followed by her upper body tensing, and eyelids and nose twitching. Mewtwo held himself back from touching her cheek, unsure if it was just a result of her dreaming until he noticed sweat was developing on her neck. He glanced down right as her hips lurched slightly, a string of drool dripping off her bottom lip as another quiet gasp escaped her.

Not liking what he was seeing, he straightaway shook her by the shoulder, and Mew jerked some more and choked on her voice. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked disoriented for a few seconds before her vision settled on him. He quickly sat back to avoid looking suspicious, hoping his expression was neutral.

“I apologize for waking you,” he said. “I brought you some breakfast.”

“Huh?” was what she uttered before rubbing the back of her paw on her lips, seemingly unaware her face was still flushed. “'S breakfas' now?”

“If you wish.” He gestured to her pile. “But if you are not hungry, you can sleep some more. I was just transporting you to a safer spot out of the sun.”

She blinked up at him, then dropped her gaze to poke a berry. “Oh...”

Mewtwo's jaw locked a bit when he caught a glimpse of a small wet spot as she eased herself up. “What were you dreaming about?” he couldn't help asking.

Mew visibly went tense. “Mm... surfing.”

He knew she was fibbing, but he didn't wish to probe her further. “Interesting.”

“Yeah... it was weird.”

“Hm.” The clone scooted backward to duck under the cloak.

“Where're you going? What's with...?” She trailed off, sweeping her eyes above her.

“It is to keep the rain out, and perhaps some privacy from passersby.” It felt as if he stumbled on his response, thinking only half of it made sense. For whatever reason, he zoned in on “privacy” like it presently meant anything to them. In the off-chance they weren't in the middle of a fight, would it even be proper to be intimate just before attending another's wedding ceremony?

“But where're you going?” she repeated.

“I will be scouting the area some more. I advise you to keep your explorations brief if you wish to go out.” Mewtwo then hopped down from the ledge and followed the riverbend. His eyes were focused forward, yet his thoughts remained back with Mew to relay every movement, every sharp breath she had made.

Over the rushing waters, he could hear the trilling chirps and songs of any Pokémon in the area, obvious mating calls—odd, as mating season was typically in the spring. Bird and insect Pokémon occasionally darted out of the trees in playful chases, small mammalian Pokémon tumbled out of bushes or pursued each other in the opposite direction, an exception being a pair of Buizel leaping out of the water with other fish Pokémon, and there were Stantler resting by the bank nuzzling each other. The distant hiss of a waterfall got him to continue down the path, and once he reached it, he checked for a hidden opening.

Pausing beneath the spray, Mewtwo slumped against the rocks, hands balled into fists. What was he thinking in looking for a secluded area, anyway? What was the point? He might as well scout the area like he said he was doing, but then why didn't he invite Mew to accompany him? She would've liked to follow the river, perhaps play around a waterfall or two. If it took them further into the mountains, so be it, more wildlife to see and explore, more inhabitants to meet, more opportunities for privacy—

The clone quickly soaked his head under the falls, pulling away only to clear his eyes and nose. “Give me a distraction!” he growled to himself, or perhaps to anything in earshot. His mind's eye continued to converge on Mew, but he got an idea when he swept his gaze along the waterfall. Taking in a breath, he stepped back beneath it and flattened his palms together at his sternum. His chin dipped slightly, he attempted to ignore all sensations the running water assaulted him with and gently closed his eyes.

The first thing he noticed was he either got used to the cold or he lost all feeling, but focusing on that tidbit was bringing back that stinging temperature. He diverged his thoughts toward his aura, recalling his source of harnessed power to spread it evenly throughout his body. Warmth followed suit, and he steadied his breathing, allowing the cool air to disperse inside his core before expelling heat to counterbalance. Overlaid all of that was his heartbeat, a powerful yet relaxed rhythm felt not just in his chest but his entire venous system. Delving deeper, he sensed his spirit pulling itself out from the darkness, covered with burning cracks that needed to be mended.

I miss her...

The quiet blip of a worldly thought caused him to flinch for a moment and counteract, No, empty your thoughts and close yourself off from the world. There is no room for two, let alone one. Concentrate. Forget everything, all of the source of your troubles. Focus...

His inner eye caught the glimpse of a blurry figure zipping through the void, leaving behind faint afterimages in its wake. His balance was knocked askew upon recognition, his heartbeat splitting into two with one half dropping below his center. He attempted to reel it back swiftly and calmly, but then a pair of blue irises froze him in place. A mixture of familiarity and yearning pierced his mind, and a voice not his own pealed like bells around him.

Mewtwo...

It conflicted him on how to respond, should he dare to acknowledge it. His breaths wavered, and a physical touch was pulling his body out from nothingness. His heart was out-of-sync by then, the bottom part growing heavier and overtaking that which remained in his core. A second heartbeat from the outside made itself known, and a softer breath sounded over his.

Mewtwo... Mewtwo...

Mewtwo jerked as one of the cracks widened, being pried apart by wandering fingers. He felt exposed, ashamed he couldn't protect his weak points from the intrusive entity. And yet, he didn't mind, trusting the hands would put him back the way he was once they were done with him. Judging by the touch, they had an intimate knowledge of him, which oddly gave him peace. Knowing very well of the repercussions of intervention, he reached out for a feel, his fingertips skimming matching heat—

—and he found himself repelled backward, breath knocked senseless out of him when he slammed into the rock. Sliding down into a sitting position, his vision swam out of focus for a few moments before he managed to see the agitation on Mew's face. Drops of water fell from her drenched fur onto his skin, and as he was still manifesting back into the material world, he had a stray thought that he could feel steam enveloping them and a tile wall pressed against his back.

“Mewtwo, are you okay?” she asked through the fog and roar of the waterfall, sounding breathless herself. “Do you remember what you were doing?”

The question baffled him, and he tilted his head as he gathered his thoughts. “Well... I was meditating?”

“I guess?” She frowned as she pulled away from him, much to his disappointment. “You were gone for quite a while. Then it started to rain, and I... I then felt your psychic signature flowing down the river. So I followed it.”

Feeling uneasy he had been broadcasting, the clone staggered to his feet. “I apologize for making you worry, Mew. I needed to clear my head.”

“Of what?”

Mewtwo inwardly cringed, catching a glimpse of her crestfallen expression before she floated back out into the open. He noticed the pouring rain then and hurried after her, psychically throwing up a full-body shield to deflect the raindrops. She shot a glance over her shoulder at him when he reached her, and stared at his out-stretched hand.

“You are going to catch a cold, Mew,” he said, softly.

She pointedly locked her gaze on him. “Being under a waterfall in the winter is a surefire way to get sick,” she retorted.

He couldn't help a chuckle even though it felt like a stab in the back. “We both are gluttons for punishment, I suppose.”

Her ears drooped at that, and she dejectedly swerved her tail into his hand. Once the rain rolled off her, she shook her fur dry just to recoil nearly out of his hold when he reflexively reached out to help. Tearing his eyes away from her, he led the way downstream, keeping his grip on her tail loose and trying to swallow down his heart.

It wasn't very long before she broke the awkward silence, although she almost went unheard. “Mewtwo?”

“Hm?” He quickly cleared his throat. “Yes, Mew?”

She wriggled a little in discomfort, and he quickly strained his hearing to pick out her voice. “I... I-I really am sorry about everything. It was just awful what I did... and all I did was hate myself...”

She was shamefully withdrawing back into herself. Not wanting to lose her so quickly, he tried to coax, “Mew, you should not take all of the blame.”

“No, I should,” she pressed. “I've just been so selfish, so inconsiderate to you and to everyone else. You all just wanted to see me get better... and I kept pushing you all away...”

Mewtwo shook his head. “You were hurt, but what I did was make it worse by not attempting to help you sooner.” He glanced over to find her holding herself, almost curling away from him. “However, I honestly do not know if I was being too hard on you, or not at all. We canceled each other out so much that there has been no sign of progression between us, and yet...”

“Should we have mourned the egg?”

Her voice wavered when she interjected, which brought him pause. Turning away from her haunted expression, the clone momentarily thought back to that cursed day he felt the empty weight in his hands. “That was why I agreed to the cremation,” he solemnly stated. “There was hardly anything to cremate, but it was better to have had a little something to remember... Lucky by. But, well, I suppose I reaped what I sowed for choosing to not consult with you, first.”

Mew fell silent, and they continued onward. Once they rounded the corner and he spotted his cloak, he nudged her forward to duck under first so he could tug on it some more and shake the water off. Compared to the outside, the dry cover had helped trap in a little warmth, although he still felt the chill between them as they sat on opposite ends of the ridge. After scanning over the untouched fruit, he reclined against the cliffside for attempted rest, lolling his head away from her direction and focusing on the hiss of rain.

“...Do you regret becoming my mate, Mewtwo?”

She was still quiet, but it jolted him out of his relaxed state. He didn't dare look over at her, dwelling on her question in the hopes the cool indifference would keep him calm. An agonized twinge rooted him in place upon the recognition they were picking up where they had left off last night, albeit reversed.

“No.”

He couldn't bring himself to further elaborate his rationale, unsure what to say to such an inquiry. The raw emptiness ached just by brushing up against it, and so by keeping his heart closed off, it could minimize the damage and allow the bruising to fade. And yet the cursed weather prevented that by forcing them to coop up in such close proximity with nothing but their thoughts and bodies to stave off their boredom—

“Then why didn't you answer immediately?”

Mewtwo was glad she poked that sore spot to remind him of their current predicament. He was more growling at himself than he was at her when he blurted out, “Allow me to reiterate, Mew: Do you regret becoming my mate?”

He felt something inside him stir when she whimpered, clearly taken aback by his counter. “O-Of course not, Mewtwo!”

Sitting up, the clone finally faced her in time to see her jolt at his movement, and couldn't stop himself from bringing up a thought that had bothered him. “Then why did you say to me that it was 'typical' of a male to leave his mate behind? You have known me for ten years, Mew. You know how... atypical I am.”

Mew was visibly shaken, but she still managed a grimace. “How could you say that if you never regretted mating with me?” she hissed, her fingers clawing at the ground. “What did you know of mating prior to me?”

He gritted his teeth, feeling a vein throb in his neck as he groaned, “Damn it, Mew, this is why we ran in circles for months! Why should—” He paused when his agitated tail smacked the cliffside and almost swept aside the cloak. Curling it around his hip, he let out a sharp breath before continuing, “Why must we spend so much time mulling over what we had believed in prior to starting a relationship together? How does that help us move forward?”

She shivered and turned away, also wrapping her tail around herself. Outside, a gust of wind brought a heavy volume of rain down on their cover, and she scooted away from the edge she had been coiling up against. Mewtwo took note of the space between them and straightened up, but deep down, he wanted to pull her onto his lap and let her stretch out however she pleased.

“Would you—” she shakily started whispering, only for her voice to catch for a moment. “...W-Would you ever have found a new mate?”

“...You need to be a bit specific, Mew. In what context do you mean by that?” He knew exactly what she was talking about, but he wanted to hear it from her.

She squirmed in discomfort, which gave him some sick relief to see she was in torment, though he figured she never expected him to keep pushing. “Would you have found yourself a new mate if I had continued... doing that?”

A split second of her gasping flashed before his eyes, which he hurriedly pushed away by focusing solely on her hapless, cowering state. “Why would I abandon you just because you were pleasuring yourself?”

He saw her shoulders trembling before he heard her gulp. “I-I never forgot about you, Mewtwo,” she mewled. “I thought of you a lot...”

Although he was fighting back the memory, an echo of her screaming his name and complimenting his anatomy rang in his ears. “Mime mentioned you always had me on your mind,” he said, feeling his throat tighten. “It hurt to see you avoid me, but knowing you could not stop thinking about me kept me motivated.”

Sluggishly, Mew half-turned to look at him, her eyes glazed over. “How about you, then? Were you... thinking of me, too?”

He really didn't want to remember his spiel of loneliness, but he had to be honest with her. “You were all I could think of. But I did not... like doing it.”

“Doing what?”

He needed to quickly clarify and to consciously keep his hands to himself. “I did not like masturbating while thinking about you. I fought so hard to not do it...” He bit his tongue to stop himself from going further, although his pained expression helped in getting his point across. At the moment, it kept his thoughts from drifting back to him crouching and weeping into a rocky corner.

She appeared to scrutinize him before dropping her gaze, looking drained. “...I wish I was as strong as you, Mewtwo. I gave in too easily... I thought up of so many... things you could do to me. And it got out of control...”

You should have come to me for help, his thoughts wanted to be heard, but Mewtwo knew it would set her off because of insensitivity, or she would misinterpret it. He had to hesitate speaking again, unsure exactly where to go from there. With the heavy atmosphere weighing down on them, if there was any hope of getting her to open up to him and carry on a discussion, he needed to lighten the load from her.

Thinking back to how Mime carried his sessions, about what it was what got him to explore his thoughts, he picked at a part of Mew's statement he believed had merit. As originally intended for their “vacation” from home, if they were going to reminisce, he might as well try to bring up what was good between them. Or at least figure out what the cracks were in their foundation.

Carefully planning out his approach, Mewtwo probed, “Have you always fantasied about what you wanted to do with me? Not during these last few months, I am talking about since we have been together.”

Her eyes seemed to gleam for a moment, looking lost in thought. His core wavered anxiously waiting for her response, feeling like he should already know the answer and that it was ridiculous of him to ask. Then it started to mock him, Imbecile, of course she has fantasized doing this-and-that with you! She could hardly keep her hands off of you when she could help it!

“...I did,” she finally answered, but then her face fell. “I was just too nervous... maybe too afraid to ask you if you were okay with them... But that doesn't mean I wasn't happy, Mewtwo.”

He wanted to smile at her comment, yet unfortunately couldn't bring himself to. The inward cackle of Told you so! felt like a reflex, which he quickly brushed off to nod. “I see. I am guilty of that, as well.”

“Really?” She sounded a little surprised by it, which he should've been amused by had she not been so defeated.

“I mean... I have teased them before. But I never went through with them because I like my head where it currently is.” He tried to playfully wink, but it felt too much like a tic to him.

Her mouth opened only to close immediately, her brows furrowing. Thinking she was closing herself off because he staring at her too much, he looked away and noticed the rain had stopped. He took a quick peek outside to make sure, only to frown up at the dark clouds still hovering above.

“Was... was one of those fantasies a sex change?”

It was like a kick to the gut, not having a clue as to where she got that idea from. He whirled around to look at her. “A sex change? In what context?”

Gasping, Mew swiftly turned her back on him. “No... never mind...”

“No, do not pretend to hide it,” he chided. “Give me an explanation, please.”

She shook her head, refusing to look at him. “Mewtwo, no, forget I said it—”

“Tell me what this 'sex change' is about,” he urged, daring to get closer. “Was this one of your fantasies?”

She covered her face to smother a wail, then peered up at him with an ashamed stare. “Please believe me, you really were all I thought about! I-I never thought about having sex with anyone else...”

His heart skipped a beat, suddenly feeling rejected by her words even though that wasn't what she insinuated. “Please tell me, Mew,” he pleaded once more, finding himself leaning in. “Explain how this works.”

She recoiled from him, sobbing, “You're going to think it's gross, or weird!” She yelped when he gripped her shoulders to steady her, eyes scrunching shut to avoid looking at him.

“Mew, I am willing to talk about it. What was it about a sex change that was bothering you?”

“I fantasized you as a female!”

Mewtwo felt as if an icy blade pierced his heart when her cry echoed.

Scarcely giving them breathing room, her face flushed a deep red as she stammered out, “I-It was still you, Mewtwo, I swear! But... oh, God, I had never thought about it before, it just happened! A-And... and it wouldn't go away! I couldn't... I didn't want to stop thinking about it because I liked it!”

His gaze briefly trailed down her quivering figure when her thighs shifted and drew closer to her body. He couldn't catch a glimpse of whatever he was hoping he'd see, a thought which horrified him, and he pulled away from her. Mew broke down harder when he did, finally managing to look up at him.

“You're mad at me, aren't you?!”

“No, I am not—” he tried to deny, but his voice was uncharacteristically quiet.

“You think I'm disgusting, don't you?! Because I am!”

“Mew, no—”

“It was wrong of me to think of you like that, Mewtwo! Don't pretend it was okay!”

He clawed his thighs in frustration. “Damn it, Mew, listen to me—”

“HOW CAN YOU EVEN STAND TO LOOK AT ME, RIGHT NOW?!” she screamed, shaking her whole body. She lost herself to tears before she could breathe long enough to add, “I defiled who you are in so many ways just so I could feel better about myself! I'm a horrible mate, Mewtwo! Why can't you see that?!”

She shot outside and headed up the cliffside before Mewtwo could react.

It was a second too late that he shook it off to exclaim, “Mew, come back!”

He just about tore away the cloak to spring upward in an attempt to reach her as her tail disappeared past the cliff. No matter how fast he was going, her tiny figure allowed her to nimbly flee from him and dodge the trees, and with her aura closed off from him, he was quickly losing sight of her.

“Mew, please, let us talk it over!”

A flying branch cut across his midsection during a turn, knocking the wind out of him, and he tumbled out of the air into brush and mud. He had been swift enough to protect his eyes, but not his recovery time, and knew she had vanished just before he picked himself up. He stumbled along hunched in pain, uncertain if his face was wet from rain or tears.

“Damn! DAMN IT!”

Mewtwo nearly tripped over a raised root just to nick his ankle against the tree trunk, scraped his palms on thorns pushing foliage out of his face, got his tail caught in another prickly bush, then somehow smacked his forehead against a low-hanging branch, all of which he could've easily avoided without a thought he allowed without a care. No matter what cuts and bruises and other forms of humiliation he was getting running through the woods, his thoughts were consistently on Mew's plight. Even if he were to ever find himself entering the village in his stupor, he wouldn't care about the unwanted attention just as long as it would bring her back to him so he could make it up to her.

In his disorientation, he found himself overlooking a rocky hill down at the river, sweeping his eyes along the other side. The cloud cover had gotten thicker and rain was pouring again, which helped in washing him down, but he couldn't care about it. It was nothing compared to air burning his nostrils and throat, which was just a nuisance unlike the sharp, crippling pangs in his ribs.

“No... no, get up,” he growled when he caught himself from collapsing to a knee. “She needs you... She needs to be found...”

At his leisure, he made his way down to the bank and eyed the width of the river, noticing it was about to flood from the rain. A couple of boulders jutted out from the water, but were too far apart from each other, and weren't close enough to jump to. Frowning, he tested his levitation in place for a few moments, and when there were no negative effects or changes, made his way across—although he quickly swerved for one of the rocks to cling to for a breather.

The forest continued through the plateau and up the mountains, and Mewtwo was certain he was closer to wilderness than human settlement. Still unable to sense Mew's aura anywhere and the cold made him numb, he hurried to shore and resumed trudging through. It was foolish, he knew, and he knew the other Pokémon who spotted him thought he was crazy, but he was too troubled to think about his own safety. For the most part, the trees took the brunt of the rain, so he was more grimy than drenched the further he walked.

“Mew... Mew, answer me!” he called out for the umpteenth time, almost choking on a breath.

The clouds still hadn't passed, and he hadn't been keeping track of time all day. As most Pokémon had taken shelter, he hardly came across a face or a helping hand, even though he had doubts they'd be of much help. Would any of them even know of who or what Mew was if he were to name or describe her? Would any of them really care enough to give aid to an unknown species that was too human for his own good?

Mewtwo coughed when he tried hollering for Mew again, doubling over from pain. He blearily glimpsed down at himself and grimaced at the scarlet bruise across his ribs, seething when he touched it. Sweeping the area, he searched for any shelter he could squeeze himself into, though nothing in reach looked dry or safe enough to curl up in. It was also just his luck there was not enough timber or other supplies to gather for a makeshift cover to protect him against the elements.

It wasn't until he neared the mountain that he could even find a trench to crawl into after assessing it. It appeared to have been an Onix trail, but he couldn't be picky in his state. Once he was able to recline at an angle that hurt the least, he peered at the damage and slowly gauged his breathing before daring to touch it again. Closing his eyes to peer into his aura, he focused on the hot, swelling spot on his side and nearly clicked his tongue in disapproval to see it was a fracture. It luckily was just the one rib, he'd live with the bruising.

With a glowing finger, he gingerly traced along the afflicted rib until he could tell it had been mended. Hoarsely sighing, he dropped his hand and made a mental note to himself to get it checked out once he got home. A pessimistic smirk flashed on his muzzle as he scoffed, “Behold my powers! Broken bones mend by touch, but broken hearts bleed with mere words! What do you say to that, doctor?”

The corners of his mouth twitched when his thoughts drifted, hearing the distant rustle of leaves in the breeze. Slowly glancing up at the gray sky, Mewtwo flexed his fingers as he dwelled on where to go from there; not for directions through the forest, but for the upcoming days. Should he ever reconcile with Mew, what could they do for themselves? What could they do to return to normal in the community, with friends and colleagues they had rejected? How could they ensure this would be their lowest point and not make it worse? What should he say to Mew to get her to open back up to him? How could they talk it over? Should they both pretend she never said anything about...?

He furrowed his brows, recalling how mortified she became when she had blurted it out. Perhaps he shouldn't have pushed for more information and just left it be, but it was an oddly specific fantasy. And her tearful explanation didn't help matters, although it coming out so shortly after confronting about each other's self-pleasures...

...A sex change?

Never had he ever imagined he'd think about such a procedure, let alone for the bedroom. She might have misspoke for all he knew, but for presumably being one of her fantasies, she was extremely uncomfortable about it. And when she mentioned she had thought of him as the opposite sex...

A hand clenched. When did she start thinking that way, and for how often? She had said that once she got that thought, it wouldn't go away, but yesterday... standing right outside of the door...

“...your cock feels so—”

Mewtwo swiftly shook his head and lurched forward to cover his face. Why the hell am I thinking that?! Smacking some sense into himself, he got to his feet and climbed out of the ditch, though an abrupt dizzy spell sideswiped him. Shivering, he staggered to the nearest sturdy object—the raised wall of dirt and rock—and knelt down to breathe.

“What... what is this...?” he groaned, ducking his head. It felt as if needles were jamming themselves into his brain from behind his eyes, provoking vertigo and black spots to pop before his vision until he shut them tight. Rasping as he lost balance, he curled up and bit back a whine bubbling in his throat until the only sound he heard was his erratic breathing.

Mewtwo...

He shot a hand up to grasp something he knew was in reach, but his fingers clawed air and went limp, remaining outstretched where he lay. His eyes rolled behind their lids as he fought to remain conscious, sensing the cracks of his soul were aflame. Stars sparked in the darkness as a blurred figure came into view, surrounded by aura that changed color with every twist and turn. Going against the darkness' wishes, he wanted it to come closer, help him up, talk to him, anything to keep him from falling into the abyss.

Mewtwo... does it hurt?

The voice didn't sound like it came from anything other than the wind, but the whispering in his ear calmed his nerves. The figure disappeared off to the side, which stung his heart thinking he was being ignored. A hand then smoothed its way over his shoulder and down his front before snagging one of the cracks, making him jerk and gasp from heated agony, but he managed to relax under its touch.

In response to the question moments before, he murmured, It hurts... I dare not touch it.

How come?

It took him a moment to speak past his shame. I... fear I would make the pain worse.

There came a quiet hum as something thick snaked into his feeble grasp. Painstakingly, his thumb pressed it and started to stroke, feeling content just having something to hold. It was then he heard another breath, higher-pitched than his and quieter, but it filled the space he was in like it was meant for his ears only.

What will make you feel better? Anything at all?

Right then he realized there was a weight pressed against his back, rubbing more of the cracks. The fingers slipped beneath to feel his center, and he couldn't stop a moan from escaping, joining the other voice in a duet. He was torn between wanting the figure to cease its actions, and for it to keep going and expose more of him. Deep down, he had always felt like a prisoner inside, yet attempting to pull the shell off piece by piece always made him bleed.

Until she came into his life...

Unsure if his eyes were truly open, he requested, Let me see your face... please...

The second breath hitched, but didn't stop. Something soft and warm rubbed up against his cheek, almost melding into his skin. He tried to look over to see it for himself, but he was unable to move as more of his core was probed and bigger cracks crept across his form. His hand gripped tighter, and the resulting gasp from the voice perked him up. Light flashed for a split second, and his body stirred.

Ooh... you're not supposed to get distracted, it giggled.

Two sides of him immediately fought for control: One wasn't comfortable with sharing space and being explored, the other wanted to keep his companion with him to the end. Both sides, however, agreed that he needed to be open. It didn't matter to him how it happens just as long as he could stop hurting.

Straining against the darkness, Mewtwo released his hold to reach up to grab the hand still stroking his soul. The figure fought to pull away, having not expected him to react. Mewtwo, why?! You know better than to—!

I have decided to endure the pain just a bit longer, he declared, remaining calm in spite of the burning touch. So until then... come back to me as before, Mew.

Upon twisting his body around, he watched the figure's blue eyes widen as they slipped from each other's grasp. He welcomed the bliss of nothingness, if only because of the promise of rest for his battered soul. But alas, he remembered how to move again and awoke to the cold ground and shadowed trees circling him. Inhaling slowly, he drew his outstretched arm closer to find it had become numb, which didn't bother him as he further scanned the skyline.

So exhaustion finally caught up to him, he gleaned, once he realized he wasn't looking at clouds anymore but dusk. He could've shrugged it off had it not been for the situation he was currently in, in the midst of losing his livelihood for good. There was a possibility Mew was upset enough to have fled the area, and he lost too much precious time to ever catch up to her.

His heart struggled pitifully against the cold shackles as he once again thought back to her anguished cry from earlier. He still didn't know how to process it, or how he could approach her about such a... peculiar concept, but she first needed to be found. Perhaps it was too soon to have left without telling anyone of their plans, especially Dr. Mime. It was looking more and more to have been the wrong choice in their current state.

Grunting as he carefully got to his feet, Mewtwo checked his levitation before ascending over the treetops. Facing north, he studied the river and thought about heading back the way he came, but as he had come this far and no one's crossed his path yet, he figured he could follow it downstream. If nothing else, he could always find someplace to camp for the night and give her some needed space—wherever she may be.

After rounding a couple of bends of the plateau and the last of the sun's rays vanished, he spotted the lights of the village not far ahead, coming to a halt. “Are you serious?” he muttered in bewilderment, raising a hand to his temple. Scanning the landscape, he realized he had gone opposite of where he and Mew had explored that morning. He hadn't been very observant of his surroundings, and there he was on the other side as a result of some cruel twist of karma. Then again, he always did have a penchant for finding his way to human civilization...

If he was quick, he could cut across just on the outskirts and make his way back to the cliffside before his morale depleted. For good measure, he searched for Mew's aura one last time just to confirm that, yes, she was still dodging him. Once dropped, he skirted along the treetops, keeping an eye out for any wandering humans that could be nearby.

And he abruptly paused, the back of his mind tingling when he caught a blip of a weak, but familiar vibe. It wasn't Mew's, that much he knew for sure, but it had a similar wavelength. It baffled him that he even felt it, for the one exuding it didn't seem to be in complete control or was aware of how much it fluctuated. The source was not too far from where he was, and as it continued to gnaw away at him, Mewtwo changed course to hunt it down.

As soon as he landed, a nearby brush rustled and his eyes fell on a Pikachu crawling out, which gasped in surprise when their visions crossed. The clone felt himself bristle instinctively, but he loosened his stance as soon as a voice called out, “Hey, where'd you go, bud?”

The aura, surprisingly firm, grazed his before Mewtwo watched the young man trudge into view. It wasn't surprising that he looked no different from the photograph, although there was stubble along his jaw and his stature was taller and broader than he had thought. But as normal as he looked, what was undoubtedly that of Ash Ketchum was his face glowing the instant their gazes met, the boyish looks of winded dark hair, zigzag-marked cheeks, and large brown eyes having remained unchanged from his memory of fifteen years ago.

When he spoke, as rough as his voice was, it carried an animated tone like he had been anticipating their meeting. “You came after all!”

Mewtwo solemnly nodded, taking note of how easily he relaxed before the human. “Congratulations.”

Ash grinned, rubbing his nose as his Pikachu scurried up onto his shoulder. “Thanks! I'm a bit nervous about it, though, the more I take it all in. Pikachu here has been the most excited of all of us, haven't ya, buddy?”

The electric rodent chirped in agreement, affectionately rubbing their cheeks together. The man's laugh was gravelly yet calm, and almost contagious. Patting the Pokémon's back, he made direct eye-contact with him, quirking a pointed brow. “You look different.”

The clone smirked knowingly, slightly lifting his chin. “Says the boy who became a man.”

He chuckled, scratching the back of his head. “Touché! Guess what I've meant to say is you act different, or something. It's been a long time, I'd be surprised if you haven't changed.”

“I see your perception has improved greatly.” He paused, noticing the atmosphere had softened up since they started talking. “So, you have been training in aura?”

Ash's eyes slightly widened before he made a noise of acknowledgement. “Oh, guess you can sense that. Yeah, kind of. It's cool, but kind of unnerving at the same time.”

“You will get used to it.”

“Yeah.” He then blinked and came closer, much to Mewtwo's dismay. “Whoa, I'm just noticing you look rough. Did you get into a scuffle?”

He winced from the question, though from the way Ash cautiously approached again, the young man had misinterpreted his movement. “It is nothing to worry about,” he attempted to dismiss. “I just need to rest.”

“I have some extra Potions I can give to you—”

“I can use Recover!” he rebuffed, almost snappily. Pikachu's ears twitched as his fur stood on end, and the clone promptly backed down with a low sigh. “I apologize for raising my voice. I am... somewhat on edge.”

Ash chuckled like it would lighten the mood. “Yeah, I get that. You weren't expecting this encounter, I suppose, so if anything, I should be apologizing for disrupting you.”

Shaking his head, Mewtwo scanned the wood, wondering if their voices were carrying. Whether it was from observing visual cues or through instinct, the man gave a quiet cough and gestured to the side with his head. “Wanna get closer to the lake? It's not that busy this time of year, so no one will see us.”

Finding no harm in taking up his offer, the feline agreed, and they meandered for the water. Pikachu ran ahead as if to taunt them for being Slowpokes, which Mewtwo smirked to himself over the comparison just to snap back to focus. It was odd how lax he was finding himself becoming just by reuniting with an acquaintance. Aura training or not, something about Ash was calming him down, and he almost forgot about his current troubles just by striking up small talk.

Once at the lakeside near the mouth of the second river, the man hunkered down on the grass and his Pokémon hopped onto his lap. Mewtwo took his seat at a respectable distance, but close enough that he noticed something about him looked ruffled. “I mean not to pry into your personal affairs, but has something been troubling you lately? I thought you would be spending time with your mate-to-be.” He suddenly felt self-conscious about how he said it, recalling that no human ever says “mate” in that context.

If Ash noticed, he chose to ignore it when he answered, “I was just with my fiancée, actually. She had to turn in early, but I needed some more time between Pikachu and myself. This is a big step for the both of us.” He sighed, looking up at the sky. “It's strange. I've done a lot of challenging stuff over the years, and yet it's marriage that's my most difficult. Don't get me wrong, I want to marry her, but I've been wondering if there's something I should be doing first.”

His aura suddenly spiked before settling, making Mewtwo slightly leery. Whatever were the experiences he had while growing up, there was something off about seeing the young man questioning his own ambitions. “Have you gotten any advice from your friends and family?”

“Well yeah, though I think my mom's just happy to have a daughter-in-law. I guess I'm...” Grimacing, his jaw briefly rocked back and forth. “I'm just a bit worried of this chance of pace. We're both Pokémon Trainers with expertise in our chosen fields, so we could travel together if needs be, but... she may want to settle down... start a family.”

He honestly didn't know what to say, yet his insides writhed once Ash said it, and a flash of Mew entered his thoughts. Almost regretting asking but knowing better than to abruptly shut the conversation down, he continued, “Have you two talked it over?”

Pikachu frowned knowingly up at his companion, ears slightly lowered. The man absentmindedly rubbed his knuckles under the mouse's chin as he nodded. “We're both on the fence about it, but I can tell she's been thinking about it a lot. The thought makes me a little nervous, though.”

Fighting back a shiver, Mewtwo averted his gaze to the dark waters, the moon in his peripheral. “I suppose that is a normal feeling for all males,” he assessed, hoping it was enough of a broad-brushed statement to avoid dragging his own troubles out into the open—

“I probably shouldn't ask, but have you ever thought about that kind of stuff?”

His insides dropping could've had enough weight to make the ground tremble beneath them. There was no escaping that boy, not even when he was looking so uncharacteristically unsure of himself. Perhaps his aura training made him more susceptible to negative emotions, and being a Psychic Pokémon struggling with his own inner turmoil, they were naturally drawn to each other. Although as he glanced over, Ash had a quizzical expression on his face, silently telling him he was still oblivious.

Swallowing down his pride, Mewtwo reluctantly replied, “I have.”

Human curiosity winning over, he queried further, “Did something happen?��

Ducking his head in shame, he sighed through his nose as he pieced together his thoughts. “...I am having what you humans call 'marital troubles'.”

A small breath of awe escaped both him and Pikachu, a reaction he wasn't pleased to hear. “Ohhh, that explains why you look a bit different—and why you're exhausted-looking.” He glimpsed over in time to watch Ash throw his arms behind his head. “Man, guess I really am late on the whole marriage thing. Most everyone else has tied the knot.”

Mewtwo's lips twitched upward, which he quickly hid.

“So do you have any kids?” He sounded a bit more than just intrigued, which the psycat found rather amusing to have an adult human virtually reverting back to that as a child asking about the quirks of life. But he still wasn't willing to talk about himself, and had to force himself to make a vague response.

“We... have been struggling.” Inwardly, he sent numerous notions to drop it since she wasn't there.

Nothing indicated to him he got the message, but Ash looked distraught. “Oh.”

Fighting back against the heavy atmosphere, Mewtwo diverted the topic back around by straightening up and giving him a fervent stare down. “But this is not about me. If you need some advice or just someone to talk to, I am willing to lend you an ear or a hand.”

Again, his vocabulary sounded stilted talking to a human. He still didn't understand why he caved in and agreed to attend the wedding, and why he struck up such a loose, intimate discussion like they were old friends. Ash's aura was as stable as a young Pokémon's, yet even with its rough edges, it still quelled his troubled heart. The young boy—man, now—left an impression deep enough to follow him well into his golden years, but they were never friends. He was content with that, yet perhaps the human's naïveté thought otherwise, hence the invitation.

And besides, what right did a Pokémon have to give a human advice? And a clone, on top of that?

Intentionally or not, Ash's voice broke through the clamor with a simple question: “Is it hard?”

His mind scoffed with an Of course it is hard!, but his soul gave pause to ponder. If it was such a simple answer that everyone should know, then why was it hard? In terms of his own experiences, was it hard by nature, by principle, or by choice? If it was always hard, then how was it he took to Mew so fast? They had their struggles, their differences, their own lives to consider, and yet there were times where everything was working out in their favor, seemingly without effort on their part. Then somewhere down the line, they took one misstep, and it all fell to ruin.

The more he dwelled on it, the more Mewtwo didn't feel worthy to give an answer. He didn't have a success story to spin, didn't have proof he could truthfully tell an optimistic, but nervous young bachelor everything will work out for him. He was literally the worst candidate to ask, yet there he sat, staring out at the lake with a human he couldn't even call friend after fifteen years. It was a sight he imagined Mew would've been glad to see.

Breaking the silence, and appreciating Ash's patience, the clone at last declared, “Indeed. You no longer have to think about your own welfare, you have another life to care and provide for.”

It seemed to have been the right call to make, for the man took a deep breath of relief and grinned. “That should be simple enough, then. I'm a Pokémon trainer, after all.” His Pikachu nodded.

His optimism was something to behold. Mewtwo went on to add, “There is also the clashing of your personalities, your likes and dislikes, your ideologies.”

“Sounds no different from my own journeys and companions.”

He stared at him, unsure if it was appropriate to get annoyed by how easily he shrugged off the advice with a comparison to Pokémon training. If he already knew what the perks of marriage entailed, however he had come to understand it, then what was even the point in asking?

“Do you want children, Ash?” he tried to move on, hoping that would stick.

“I told you, I'm not sure yet.”

“And yet you are willing to add a new Pokémon to your roster every time you are out on your journey.”

“Kids aren't like Pokémon, I get that.”

It wasn't that Mewtwo didn't believe in his words, but he was willing to continue poking holes if it meant getting through his thick skull. “You say the two of you are both trainers, both willing to travel the world together if needs be. But already you two have clashing ideologies that need to be settled as soon as possible, even if she has not said anything yet.”

“I have a place to live, if that's what you're wondering,” Ash proclaimed, looking a little defensive. Even Pikachu shrank back a little at his raised tone. “So I've already ensured we have a home to go to, and it's in order.”

“And could you guarantee it would still be there if the both of you are halfway around the world?”

“Because of my duties, I have to travel a lot, so I do have a housekeeper. Although without me asking, my Pokémon have watched the house before.” With a moment's pause, a sheepish smile spread on his face as he whispered an aside, “Also it's embarrassing that my mom still dotes on me. It was the best way to finally get her to back down and stop worrying, for once.”

Mewtwo didn't have a hard time envisioning his Pikachu and the other Pokémon he remembered dusting rooms, sweeping floors, even bringing home food to prepare. It wasn't something he was going to verbally admit, though. “So should you ever have any, are your children going to be well-off?”

“Yes. Actually, one of the last things we're in the process of approving is for my health insurance to update to cover my fiancée, and that's been bit of a pain, no lie. Should be ready once we register our marriage and she gets everything of hers approved to show for it.”

The clone almost tuned Ash out once he zoned in he was looking more confident about his future, which bemused him that he was being apprehensive about having a family of his own. Whatever had led up to now, he had been losing himself to his thoughts to the point he was needing time to himself. Even life had to catch up to an ambitious trainer someday, but from what he deduced, it wasn't as if he was suddenly being thrust into that position. Humans were always willing to rise to the occasion when it came to personal benefits or merit.

He was probably stepping out of line, but Mewtwo, the intellect he was proud to be, wanted to think outside of the box a little bit. Figuring he could use his title as a champion against him, the benefits of this human health insurance notwithstanding, he imparted, “Now let us flip this conversation around and look at it from your wife's perspective. Perhaps you two are free to travel together no matter the conference, but consider an opportunity to travel for longer than usual, for a few months or so. However, this is a journey where your wife cannot accompany you, and you potentially may not be able to contact her most days. Would she be able to handle being left alone for that period?”

The man became thoughtful, though he was noticeably growing antsy once more. “She has her own Pokémon—”

“But what can Pokémon do for her biological human needs?” he stressed, watching his face tilt into shadow. “You are getting married, Ash, because you must have a desire for companionship beyond that of friendship. This is the result of a choice of wanting to spend the rest of your life with a woman who is willing to stay by your side through thick and thin, because she cares for and loves you. But if she wants to have a family or desires love, she cannot do it alone if her husband is hesitant or absent.”

The last time he had seen Ash look irritated, it was when he had attempted to throw punches at him. It was impressive (albeit humorous) to have a ten-year-old angry enough at him to charge him, but from the way his aura sizzled, he chanced an uppercut if he were to provoke him further. If it hadn't been for Pikachu reclining in his lap, he might've done so or gotten to his feet to emphasize his leer, but Mewtwo ultimately wasn't afraid of him.

“We've talked about this and more, Mewtwo,” he curtly objected. “Trust me, I think we can handle it just fine.”

The topic was practically asking to get dropped, but the feline couldn't stop himself from retorting, “So then why are you getting upset over the thought of a family?”

“I'm nervous, not upset. No need to bite my head off over it.” Ash's mouth then curled to the side, dark eyes glinting. “Also, no offense, but these questions are getting kinda out-of-hand. You're turning into my mom.” Pikachu snorted under his breath.

Mewtwo cringed, but it wasn't from the mother comparison. He lowered his gaze as he quickly reviewed his attitude, and why he had gotten so invested in the rather-one-sided discussion on human behavior. “...I apologize. I got a little over my head...” He slowly flexed his fingers, feeling inadequate with everything around him, himself included.

The silence lasted only for a few moments before Ash briefly leaned into his line-of-sight. There was no reason for him to have done so other than to get a better look at his face. “You've lost someone close to you, haven't you?”

It wasn't what he wanted to profess to because it invited pity, but he had been unintentionally projecting himself into the conversation, and the human wasn't completely inattentive. Mewtwo found it refreshing he could have someone to talk to, and that the floor was technically open to him, but the timing was wholly inappropriate. And it was humiliating that someone just now entering a life-long commitment could lend an ear to someone like him, a being stuck between two worlds, and one was crumbling beneath his feet.

A somber sigh bubbling in his chest, he crossed his arms on his knees. “...I have come very close, yes.”

A breath being reflexively sucked in made him glance back over. “I guess this talk of family is a hot button topic for you,” he noted, running his fingers through his hair. “I didn't mean to rile you up like that.”

Mewtwo never intended to guilt-trip Ash for wanting some confirmation, and he didn't want to mislead him into believing otherwise. “It is not your fault, not when you wanted some answers. Do not concern yourself over me.”

Pikachu quietly agreed, which got the man to sit back. “Well... if you're willing to, could I ask you something very quick?” When he was given a silent nod and wave of the hand to continue, he soberly stared up at the stars, face scrunched in thought. “Okay... if you could give any marital advice, what would it be?”

As a Pokémon, naturally he shouldn't know what could be appropriate to tell some human about marriage when there was nothing to indicate he lived the lifestyle. The thought alone was silly, and it would warrant some odd stares from others who were listening in. Yet, it was a question that put Mewtwo on equal ground with him. And he recalled that for as short as their interactions had been, Ash never saw him as a Pokémon or an abomination.

Scrutinizing his aura once more, he was beginning to understand why it was he thought it was similar to Mew's. Through their eyes, they only saw individuality and a life that was worth living. Being a Pokémon, while man-made, meant nothing to them just as long as they could see eye-to-eye. And perhaps that was his connection them: to Mew as a mate, and to Ash as... a friend.

Trawling through his many memories, he tried his best to stick to the positive ones in spite of his current state. But even during the sad times, there was still a thread that linked them together, sticking out the most and looking to be the strongest. “It would be to talk to your wife,” he decreed. “No matter what it is, or how personal or troubling it gets, talk things over first-and-foremost. Make compromises if needs be, but never make yourself or her live a lie just because you were afraid to break her heart. It is not just you, it is a team effort. The two of you need to be open with each other, but it has to start with yourself.”

He didn't sense an aura of cockiness, agitation, or boredom, suggesting to him Ash had gotten something out of it. It was still possible it was a repeat of what he had previously learned elsewhere, and it didn't matter to the clone if he was taking it to heart or not, but the warm smile and nod he got in return was more than he could ask for. “Sure thing, Mewtwo.”

Suddenly perking up, Pikachu jumped out of his lap and bolted down to the riverbank. The man got up in slight concern, though Mewtwo also turned his attention to where the rodent was headed. Pikachu nearly rounded a whole corner until his tail was seen, but he hopped on an unseen platform and there came a gasp of fright. Through a gap, he spotted a pink blur zipping into a tree, and the electric mouse squeaked in concern.

“Hey, what'cha find, buddy?” Ash called, about to jog over only to be caught in Mewtwo's hold. “Hey, wha...?”

The clone frowned deeply, but couldn't bring himself to get upset at the eavesdropping. Setting Ash down and coaxing him into staying, he strode over to find Pikachu gawking up into the branches. Stopping behind him, he eyed Mew curling by the trunk to blend in with the shadows. She froze when their gazes met, ears lowered and tail tightly wrapped around herself. He heard her sniffle as she quickly turned away to wipe at her face, and he let out a slow sigh through his nose, hanging his head.

Pikachu's brows knitted in worry as he silently put two-and-two together. Mewtwo only gave a nod of silent confirmation before glancing over at the man when he arrived.

“Hey, what's up?” he asked.

Looking back up at Mew, Mewtwo gently said to her, “If you wanted to meet him, you could have just joined us.”

She took in a few deep breaths before she eased herself down, yet remained hesitant to get nearer. When he extended a hand to her, she stared before gripping a finger and allowed him to guide her to his side. She first kept her eyes on Pikachu when he exclaimed in humble awe, a small smile on his pudgy face.

“Did he startle you?” he murmured to her, almost tongue-in-cheek.

Mew bashfully glanced back up at him, then pulled away to get closer to Pikachu's height. The Mouse Pokémon managed to stand his ground and reached out a paw in greeting. She tensed for a moment until she lightly gripped it for a small shake.

Ash almost couldn't hold back his surprise, but he didn't move from his spot. For just that moment, Mewtwo once more saw him as the ten-year-old he remembered, and he couldn't help a smirk. “Did you want an invitation to come say hello?”

Mew looked up when Ash came forward, taking him in with the same awe-struck expression.

“Hey, there. The name's Ash Ketchum.”

She nodded, but stayed silent.

He chuckled. “Guess there are shy Mews out there. The one I know is very bubbly, it likes to play with Pikachu whenever I visit as part of my training.” Pikachu rubbed the back of his neck.

Mewtwo noticed his mate's expression fell slightly, and lay a wavering hand on her shoulder. She jolted in place, but mercifully didn't pull away. “Mew is her own individual. It is why we became mates.”

Ash grinned as brightly as the moon. “I must say, Mew, you got yourself a lucky catch. Mewtwo's a great guy. You two must get along very well.”

Mew blushed deeply, dropping her eyes.

“I'm glad you're doing well, Mewtwo. This has been one of the biggest surprises yet, right up there with the day Brock got himself a girlfriend.” He laughed once more, and even Pikachu giggled.

Briefly, he skimmed his thumb down to her shoulder blade. She trembled beneath his touch and her tail sharply swung into his side, but he kept the façade steady. “You have Mew to thank for that. She talked me into accepting your invitation, if only because she wanted to meet the young man who changed my ways.”

The man nodded, folding his arms. “That makes sense, then. I thought it was a little bit suspicious you marked 'yes', 'cuz I kinda expected you to pass on it.” He smiled when the clone raised a brow, maintaining eye-contact. “But no matter, you're here now, and I'm glad I got to see you again.”

He didn't address it out loud, but Mewtwo felt guilt for being so disinclined to attend the reception and continually dragging his feet until the last minute. Ash wasn't a terrible human, and like Mew had commented months back, it was a sweet gesture to have thought of him despite having mutually lost contact. For as rocky as their conversation was, it was of good intentions.

So he meant it from the bottom of his heart when he said, “Once again, congratulations. I wish you nothing but the best.”

“Thanks, Mewtwo.” Looking up at the moon as he shuddered a bit, he casually mused, “Man, it's sure gotten chilly. Do you two have a warm place to sleep?”

Mewtwo felt a twinge of guilt as he thought back to the ridge, letting his arm drop from Mew when she glanced up at him. “We should... or so I thought.”

Ash didn't pry further, though he and his companion shared a look that he couldn't decipher. “You can have my hotel room if you want. Pikachu and I were thinking of staying out here longer anyway.”

“Are you certain?”

He nonchalantly shrugged. “Yeah, though thing is, the hotel address should've been listed on your invitation. They're kind of expecting that number of guests to be staying there, but I forgot that I was to make yours a bit different.” He laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head and peering out through one eye. “I also didn't take into account you'd have company.”

Mew shrank back a little until the clone gently stopped her with his tail. “If it is too much trouble, we will decline.”

“I think it'd be more comfortable than sleeping out here in the cold,” Ash insisted. “I don't know where you two were planning on staying, but trainers have been known to sneak out during the night for practice battles or to catch some Pokémon in the area.” He gave a wry smile. “Nothing that you can't handle, but I'm just saying.”

It was playfully sinister, and Mewtwo for a brief moment felt a long since subsided flame rekindle. He reckoned it would make for an interesting battle and would do him some good, however, remembering where they were and that he wasn't fully in good shape was what snuffed it out. “Perhaps another time,” he politely declined, and the man slumped slightly, but he didn't lose his smile. “How would we get in?”

“My room's got a balcony, so I'll check in, and we can pass by each other that way.”

“That is against regulations, is it not?”

“Only if you get caught.” Ash cheekily winked.

Looking back at Mew, Mewtwo could tell from the glimmer in her eyes she had been considering the offer. And in comparing it to the current outdoors, as much as a change in scenery was refreshing, the thought of a warm bed was more alluring. With a low sigh, he turned to the man and nodded. “You make a fine bargain, Mr. Ketchum.”

He laughed, jogging backward with a wave. “See you two there!”

When he was gone and the quiet nighttime atmosphere enveloped them, Mewtwo nudged his mate. “Let us go gather up our belongings, Mew.”

She let out a breath until it faltered, shaking her head and hugging her arms close. “Why do you do this?” she murmured. “Why can't you take the hint and just... Why do you not...?”

“Leave you?” he finished softly. “I cannot, not as you are.”

“But why?” she urged. “What do you see in me?”

As she was refusing to look him in the eye now that they were alone, he had to scan her trembling figure. Unlike with him, she didn't have a battered appearance, and it was because of how the moonlight shone on her that he was able to take in the tear residue streaked on her cheeks. Neither Pikachu nor Ash had made any comments on it, so he wasn't sure if they had drawn to conclusions.

Pensively, Mewtwo answered her, “I see someone whose broken heart still longs for happiness.”

Mew's figure slouched. “I don't deserve it...”

He turned her around to face him, though she anxiously averted her gaze and wriggled from his hold. He choked down a rising lump in his throat to whisper, “Please do not hide anything from me anymore, Mew. I brought you with me so we could talk things over, and come to a decision together. But most importantly, it is to clear our minds, and expel the negative thoughts that plague us. It is an uncomfortable subject, but understand that it is between just us two.”

“How can you say that?” she accused, although it was half-hearted.

“Because I am not angry with you, Mew. Perturbed, yes, but not angry.” It still hurt that she would close her eyes to avoid seeing him, but he was steadily getting through to her now that she stopped shaking. “I should not have forced anything out of you, and I apologize for making you uneasy... but we cannot keep sweeping our troubles under the rug. Sooner or later, it was going to come up.”

Mew's fingers dug a bit more into her arms, then she relaxed her shoulders. Feeling she was placated enough for them to get themselves moving, Mewtwo gestured to the lake. “Let us get going, dear. Cannot keep him waiting for us.”

He lifted himself up to fly over the water, only to halt when she swerved to be in front of him. She still kept her head low, but she was able to at least look in his direction. “Just so you know, Mewtwo,” she informed him, voice still soft, “I don't feel comfortable sleeping next to you right now. Not now...”

He reluctantly nodded in agreement. “You do not have to sleep in arm's reach, but I ask that you stay close by for your own safety.”

Having reached an impasse, they returned to the ridge to find the cloak only hung on thanks to the stone, but it was tattered at the corners. Mew's scarf was caught in a hanging shrub, possibly due to passing wind, some of the neglected fruit remained in place but were bruised, and the card was missing. A quick scan of the area turned up nothing, and they concurred it wasn't worth tracking down. Once wrapped back up, they slipped through the shadows toward the inns, scanning for balconies upon arrival. Random windows would occasionally light up or go dark, and Mewtwo clenched his teeth remembering Ash never told them which building and level had his room, and he hadn't asked.

“Which one is he staying in?” Mew questioned obliviously moments later.

He fought the urge to facepalm. “The one with the balcony...”

“Um... which one?”

“He is getting married and he cannot give simple directions,” he grumbled. “Funny how that works.”

From an adjacent building, they heard the call of his Pikachu trying to sound casual. Mewtwo considered giving the supposed-adult a flick on the nose as they slipped over to greet him, but he couldn't bring himself to do more than entertain the thought. Mew entered the hotel room first before Ash could step outside, studying the lone bed before shaking off her scarf and moving on to the lamp and digital clock.

“I'll be back at about six in the morning,” he told Mewtwo after tearing his eyes away from the curious cat. “There might be a fog, too, so that should be plenty of cover for you two to disappear to wherever for the day. I had room service delivered not long ago, so there's some food in the refrigerator for you guys if you're hungry.”

“Are you certain you want to do this? Being nocturnal, I can forfeit the bed to you still.”

Ash snorted, taking in his bruised ribs. “Has anyone ever told you you're a bad liar, Mewtwo?”

He glowered, but held his tongue. From inside, Mew could be heard pushing buttons on the phone, and the man quickly let out a sharp “No, don't touch that!”, and swooped inside to hang it back up. She put space between them, a baffled expression on her face, then whirled around and had newfound interest in the television suspended in the corner.

“Is this what humans call the 'teevee'?” she wondered out loud, which made Ash blink and smile at her reaction.

Mewtwo's heart fluttered watching her study the flat screen and trying to look at her dark reflection. He hadn't seen her eyes light up with curiosity in ages. “What is with this sudden interest in human entertainment?” he tried to tease.

She slightly pouted over at him.

Returning to the balcony, Ash held his arm out for Pikachu, and nodded over at the clone. “Have a good night, Mewtwo.”

“Thank you for your hospitality,” he said, fully grateful even if it still felt he was being intrusive.

With a salute, he gave a whistle and dove over the railing, hands out-stretched. Like a speeding bullet, a large Gliscor swooped in from above of which he snatched by the feet, and they glided off into the shadows. Mewtwo stared off where they disappeared to, impressed with their dynamic, then hurried inside just in case someone was looking out their window. Once he drew the blinds closed, he hung his cloak over the chair and took in the hotel room. Mew was unsurprisingly swallowed up by the empty, yet cozy space, but all he cared about was that it was large enough to accommodate him, even though there wasn't much to do. He could tell by a glance he could scarcely fit into the tiny kitchen space, and by peeking into the bathroom, the tub was smaller than he was used to. At least the chair looked like it could support him.

“Hey, how does the 'teevee' work, anyway?”

As it was the only other piece of entertainment in the room, Mewtwo figured he'd let her give it a shot to hamper her boredom. Spotting the remote on the dresser, he picked it up to wave it in her line-of-sight. “You operate it with this.”

She cautiously approached him, keeping her eyes glued to it. “That's a lot of buttons.”

“Here.” He powered on the equipment, and what flickered to view was of a Pokémon Contest, specifically an Altaria in the middle of a Whirlwind. Noticing no audio was coming through, he checked for the right button to press, and immediately they could hear the announcer exclaiming her thoughts. Tapping the remote, he continued, “Use these buttons here to change the channel. The numbers do it as well, but do not mind them for now.”

Mew tilted her head. “Those triangle ones?”

“This changes the channel, this turns the volume up or down.” He passed it over, but still hovered by the bed as she sat down.

“What about the other smaller ones?”

“Do not worry about those. You just keep flipping through until you find something of interest or tire of it.”

She held down a button and looked up at the numbers scrolling through, although the screen remained black until she let go. “Is this what humans really do all day when they're not out training Pokémon?”

“Humans are easily entertained, I suppose. A whole slew of technology at their fingertips, and they squander it with that.” He nodded at the sight of a woman getting knocked off an obstacle course while her Pokémon companion looked on in surprise.

Pressing the button once more then releasing it a few seconds later, Mew frowned at the nature documentary blasting ominous music when a pair of wild male Ursaring crossed paths. The narrator was droning something about the scene either nervously or eagerly in a heavy accent. “Perhaps it's for humans who can't travel like we can?”

“A possibility.”

While she continued browsing, Mewtwo opened the drawer below the television to find a booklet. Skimming through it, his brows furrowed when he noticed the inn had listed it was using satellite television, and mentioned any usage outside of the inn's default channels would be added to the patron's bill. The list was contained in one column, and his mouth quirked at the revelation.

Many apologies, Ash, for our ignorance, he sighed to himself. Then out loud, he said, “I think that is enough television for one night.”

“Why?” And she let go of the button.

“—IN SO DEEP, AAHHN!”

They flustered at the grunting and squealing filtering through the speakers, Mew's eyes and mouth widening as she dropped the remote where it popped open and the batteries went flying. Mewtwo scrambled for the parts, accidentally knocking her backward onto the bed doing so. Once he shakily got it put back together, he had to face the screen to get a low-angled eyeful of the faceless copulating couple before it powered off. Lowering the remote as he trembled and gripped the duvet pulling himself up, the clone glanced at his mate to see her squeezing her arms to her chest, fur standing on end, and a flush rising to her cheeks. She flinched and gulped when their gazes crossed, drawing her legs close.

His vision drifted too much, zoning in on areas that got him shaking with anticipation: her parted lips as she breathed deeply; the way her hands smoothed over curves; her pelvis twisted to put emphasis on her wide hips; her toes pressed against the covers. He swallowed thickly, watching her tail curl around herself as if to hide from his sight, yet she tipped her head back to peer desirably at him through her eyelashes. Where she glowed pink, he identified them as hot spots for him. Those were areas he could—should—touch to get her going, to make her moan and sing praises to him, then gasp and beg and cry and scream and—

Defying the burning urges, Mewtwo roughly got to his feet and strode for the bathroom. “I will be in the shower,” was all he could muster, scarcely stopping himself from slamming the door behind him.

The water was cold since he didn't turn the knob all the way, but he didn't care. He let it stream down his back as he steadily collapsed to his knees and switched to autopilot, his heart still pounding in his ears. A choppy slideshow of her body flashed continuously in his mind's eye in a teasing, seductive dance, her face beaming at his frustration, and he could hear her calling his name each time her lips parted for a breath. He didn't dare move lest he crossed the point of no return.

Going against his wishes, his wild imagination projected him to kneel at the bedside, so he got to watch Mew toss her head back into the sheets as she cried out and writhed beneath a perfect imitation of himself—or it was him in a memory, but he couldn't confirm through the shadow. With him hunched over her and grinning triumphantly, they flowed like water, pelvises undulating and slamming together in a rhythm that was uniquely theirs. It didn't matter she was scrunched up against him and fought for breath under his weight, she desired the security of his body against hers. She looked beautiful drowning in euphoria...

“More... Mewtwo, pleeease...”

Her breathless whimper struck a nerve in him, and Mewtwo wanted nothing more than to lash out at his reflection. Memory or not, he wasn't the one who was presently on top of her. He desired nothing more than to lose himself inside her, to fill his senses with all she had to offer. There was a twinge of excitement in seeing her from a different angle, however, it was nothing more than some sick cruelty to have him experience all of the senses secondhand. Yet despite his inward pestering to step in and “reclaim” her, his body remained rooted in place. He couldn't even reach out to grab her hand.

Mewtwo jolted when the image of himself flickered, and the sudden disturbance in the atmosphere made him nauseated before he could clear his vision. Nothing much had changed, yet kneeling over Mew was a mirror image of herself, whose paw and tail were plunged deep inside her. Even when shifting to interlock together at the hips, the way she quickened her pace got the bottom Mew gasping and mewling in ecstasy at a level he couldn't recall her ever reaching. Like she was enjoying it more...

“That's the spirit, toots,” was the venomous purr, a chuckle on her lips as she induced them to start rocking. There was a notable jerk once their clitoral hoods bumped. “Let him know that's just how you like it.” Pulling out her dripping fingers to lick them, her icy gaze casually locked eyes with him.

When he managed to tear away toward his mate, Mewtwo was certain her streaming eyes seemed a bit too unfocused to tell if she could even see him or not. Fingers harshly tugging the sheets, she mouthed through her panting for a few moments before she squeaked out, “Don't... don't look...”

In a flash of white, the clone found himself blinking at the drain, water stinging his eyes and his ribs throbbing from pressure. Recognizing the aches in his joints and loins, he loosened his grip on his penis to stare at the ejaculate dangling from his fingers. He strained his hearing past his breathing and the shower for any sign of Mew to no avail, questioning the validity of the vision and his sanity.

It really was like the universe was taunting him.

#pokemon #mewtwo #mew #mewshipping #handle with care #chapter thirteen #fan fiction #mature

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