#but im also not as overwhelmingly positive as i seem

[megumi-fm]

.

[ellraiser]

i can't beelieve that people actually say "woke mind virus" like out loud for real unironically? it's like hearing someone say skibidi ohio rizz in the wild

[catgirlbussy]

im gonna do a lil sadpost, as a treat. if u dun wanna read that or interact or anything there's no harm done <3 it kinda feels nice sayin stuff into the void tbh, cause i know as i look out ill always see myself at minimum, and im still thankful. im alive. if someone can relate or whatever then thats a neat bonus ★

I'm not super sure how to formulate these thoughts, cause lots of it is just incompressible /feeling/. I've been on HRT for close to two years now, and modifying my internal physical landscape alongside the work I put in with the ways I've learned sharing benefit so far, like therapy and self-directed exploration of my emotions and the simple but vital practice of being more open with others about how I'm feeling, has uncovered a lot.

It's been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. I don't have any regrets for starting this set of changes, even with full knowledge of the difficulties I've had rise as a result and that more are on the horizon, and also full awareness in that I will need to continue putting in the *good* work to care for myself and learn how to navigate the parts in my mind I'd kept hidden or obscured for so long. It's not /bad/, I feel so grateful to have this opportunity at all and I feel bounteous joys in this trove of beautiful experiences that, up 'till not too long ago, I never thought I'd be able to experience -- though I absolutely still dreamed of having them so vividly.

I have a lot of good graces in my life re: my transition. In a lot of ways I feel I've been exceedingly lucky. Canada has its fair share of problems without a doubt, but I also know full well there are a lot more places on our planet where it's much more difficult to be openly trans, let alone dangerous or lethal. I don't take that as an opportunity to rest, either, because having cracks forming in the firmament, letting in light to my dream of a world where trans experiences are accepted (and to note most thoroughly, I'm learning more of a lot of cultures in days gone by, /including some aspects of my own heritage/, having extended gender representations ingrained in their societal norms, some as far even to revere the dynamic and unique experience of existing beyond the gender binary in whatever way they saw as such) for **everyone** spurs in me an even deeper and impassioned drive to work in the ways I'm able to foster communication and connection while rebuking hostility so more and more beautiful, valid trans folks can experience respite and respect and safety as well.

I'm not wanting necessarily to change minds and upend the posture of society with this particular post, though, and so I hope you'll forgive me in my expressing my small, localised set of emotions in this moment. At the root of everything I experience I'm starting to get better at reminding myself that I'm a valid *individual person* in addition to being a contributor in the push for good and kindness for all.

It's probably telling that I feel the need to offer ~4 paragraphs as a disclaimer that I spend time learning about the global scale and am effortful in enacting progress there before just getting on with what I'm even feeling sad about. I don't see myself as a holy martyr for being nervous about expressing myself, but it seems more and more common evidently rather than by my hypothesis alone that many trans individuals would get by prior to exploring their gendered identity with burgeoning self-acceptance with a marked self-exclusionary behaviour when it came to opening themselves to emotional experience, regardless of any given instance being gendered or not. Until it becomes unmanageable, it feels easier to lock away senses of joy, sadness, etc. cause you can keep gettin on by in a sort of functional state and you tell yourself thats enough.

This is far from the worst thing I've come across so far, but I am feeling confused and the confusion is unique in its own way to the extent that I'm not even able to pin down how I /feel/ about feeling it. At its heart I can't seem to muster the right formulation of words to explain to others these particular experiences I'm having in my transition. Painting in broad strokes can be such disservice to the nuance for any individual's cluster of experiences, but tumblr if anything *for me* has brought much happiness in finding threads of commonality with others. Stark contrasts to my feelings of loneliness and seclusion from the world around me give me so much hope. I'm writing this partly in hopes that there is another one of those threads people might appreciate seeing. I do more than my fair share of journaling, but this one feels special and worth sharing right now, and so decadently I write these words for a community beyond myself.

To be blunted, perhaps I might phrase it by saying 'i feel sad about being happy.' It's that sort of absurdist perspective that helps me wrap my head around it a little better with how little sense it makes to my normal machinations. I'm not sad that I am having these new and thrilling experiences of adding or or changing parts of myself to live in the way I best see fit for who I am, but I feel sad because I don't know how to.

I get locked up at the slightest things. Someone compliments my nails, and its so hard to communicate efficiently the impossibly depthed importance this literally surficial act has for me. They aren't even painted well, but I painted them /myself/, I felt catharsis in exploring my love of artistic expression in the choice of colours, I rode high on the thrill of watching this new skill form in my own hands. The coat is uneven and I can't quite keep myself from getting knicks in places as they dry yet and I'm still practicing the nail care associated with maintaining healthy and resilient nails, but if I can be so bold to say, god forbid women do anything.

This person obviously wasn't chastising me for partaking in a traditionally "femininely-associated act", let alone that so thoroughly most things people take for gendered in no way innately are, the whole binary supposition is a damned myth. But because of how I was brought up and the mindset I was taught to have before I fought to think for myself instead, this was a joy I'd always admired but felt I was abhorrent for wanting to partake in. Absolutely anyone who feels otherwise can irrevocably go fuck themselves if they aren't willing to examine the falsity of the foundational thoughts they 'think' they have leading them to ever want someone to abstain from such a viscerally unobstructive and innocuous form of self exploration and creativity bexause it's "for girls". This goes for anything. For anyone. Idc who you are or what label you wanna use at any given moment, go explore. Live life. God fuck do we need people to just experience joy in some ways so we aren't so incorrigible and hostile towards eachother.

But you don't stop whoever took 15 seconds out of their say to mention to you they like the colour and wanted you to know to discurse at length upon the structural bastardisation of who people are allowed to be, cause more than any of that I just want to feel happy about it.

I literally stutter out whatever form of thanks my malformed emotionally-communicative faculties can muster in this surprise and try not to start sobbing in the grocery store aisle or whatever. It's so /good/, and it's so frustrating that I don't even know how to just process and appreciate that it is.

I was so much an absentee in my own bodied self that I could not fathom an understanding of what gender euphoria was until it snuck up smashed me in the teeth. I didn't have any basis of understanding for what it was really like to be happy about some part of myself.

Despite my loneliness I have still had the experiences of friendships, people caring about me, and relationships where a partner genuinely appreciated parts of me, physical, mental, emotional, whatever. More now than ever I am having those experiences as I learn to come out of my cloister inside my head. But this time I'm not just numb to everything. Sure, as I'm learning to not just be unilaterally numb until my bastion of self-isolation fails and I break there is abundance of pain, but the pain I honestly prefer. It's more vivid than it's ever been before, but I can benchmark that I'm still alive by its contrast to neutrality. It's familiar, and my mechanisms of clutching my emotions into my soul can still carry me forward as I try to figure things out. But fuck me is it ever hard to have a happy experience and not know how to communicate that it tore my sense of stability in those moments to shreds. To lose the composure that carried me for so many years because someone sought to share something with me they thought I'd appreciate because they care about me feels so counterproductive to just enjoying the absolute gift that experience is.

Abstractly, as I'm wont to do to a remarkably self-apparent fault, I can tell myself that these things take time. Human emotion is so complex, and its panoply of shifting lights glinting as the facets move their positioning relative to the light of being alive is what drives me to do art, and it always has been, contradictory so fully to my desire to lock everything away. I can't circumnavigate multiple decades of trauma and be free and unfettered in my senses in an instant just because I'm aware it's possible. And so I try so fucking hard not to just sit down and cry in that grocery store aisle, cause it hurts so bad to be happy.

How dare I find glints of good in the polluted landscape we live in. But that mindset helps nothing. People striving to live amidst turmoil is what makes life worth living. There will always be strife, but there will always be the possibility for hope alongside it.

Without fail, each night I'll self-soothe myself into a mode of somewhat-restfulness imagining what it would be like to trust myself enough to be imperfect and let someone hold me. It's the only thing I do anymore. It even backfires sometimes and I just waking-dream my way through countless blissful scenarios about what it would be like if that cute girl I've been starting to become friends with mentioned she wanted to hold my hand for hours until the sun comes up and I know I won't have any sleep at all. It's so goddamn worth it. I revel in it, because at least in the theatre of my mind I can find small ways of letting myself feel those joys. They aren't really happening. It's my own hand rubbing a thumb gently along my collarbone in a faux affection. But it's the only way I've found that's not so obstructively blinding in intensity for me to practice what it would be like to be close to others.

I still lose my sense of self so often. I find bruises from where I bumped into things and wholesale didn't notice until the tiredness sets in and I can't autonomously ignore how sore I am. I dive effortlessly into the placid waters of dissociation when someone gives me a hug, despite that being what I have dreamed of for so many years during my self-imposed isolation. Someone tells me they like an art piece I've made and I stopper any sense of pride or appreciation for their kind words despite pouring however much time channeling my slowly uncoiling understanding of reality into every particle of it and wishing that my experiences could convey any amount of any feeling whatsoever to another living being with the entirely selfish act of wanting that I feel like I had a real connection.

I can't get by with chainsmoking and shelf-set pain medications and blind ignorance any more. I can't ignore how badly I want to feel. I am figuring it out instant by instant and it scares me horribly. One day my yearnings for closeness will be actualised because I'll be ready to open when they come. My selfsense-extracted mutterings of the hypothetical joys of being pressed down into sheets and kissed because someone deigned to gift me with attention for they hold appreciation of this newly forming, ill-configured, but ultimately revelatory feminine self I'm becoming will no longer be fiction and prose but the rawness of experience that I, once, and then more, can lose myself into without terror thay I'm inadequate and never truly worth it. Someone will touch my breasts and love me for loving them myself and I'll give in to the annihilating instant where I am no longer a sense of self but just am. This body is not me but my, and I will scrape and fight however I can muster to live vicariously thru it because that is what I am meant to do by being here alive at all. If anything ever again I want to feel what love is like.

I'm not even reading this back to see if it conveys properly let alone makes sense at all. I'm exhausted and in so much pain. If you read this, thanks, and, if you can, go hug someone you love today.

[milfygerard]

I also think about the fact she changed her entire tour to roast her other exe from last year. People like to pretend didn't happen but highkey inspired 80% of TTPD, like she had thoughts about that man + situation, sometimes conflicting (TTPD, Fresh, Daddy, Black Dog), sometimes tender(COCOSOM, BD, I, Peter, TTPD, LOML) sometimes what iffing too close to the sun. (GAS, COCOSOM), sometimes angry (Smallest, Fix). Everyone loves to pretend Matty didn't happen even after TTPD came out and peope are still wishing TS12 comes soon so we can forget that little situation (ship). It's funny for me to watch.

I'm not in real swiftie circles so idk how the wider fandom treats him, but ive seen other blogs talk about this a little. Honestly i find the phenomenon fascinating as much as frustrating, its the way that fandoms this huge surrounding one person have to work to maintain any sort of structure, ignoring topics that they find too complicated or that could really destabilize their conception of who the subject Is when they have such a strongly held image that they base their entire consumptive opinions around. Its hard to really idolize someone while also treating them as complicated people with real flaws or poor decisions and so its easier to just make those disappear in your brain though that never really works, absence of something only increases its presence and all that

Also I'd argue that outside of down bad and maybe smallest man, the TTPD section was not aimed at matty but primarily at her audience. TTPD is a very rosy and loving look back on taylors career and goes out of its way to honor fans. It is overwhelmingly positive and kind towards us before TTPD, but adding that album to eras...complicates things. Choosing the songs she did (bdilh, waolom, icdiwabh, even smallest man could tie into this) brings a new level of confrontational friction with the narrative and performance of eras. We don't just have long live and its you and me thats my whole world, its also you caged me and called me crazy and its im having his baby no im not but you should see your faces and all the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was screaming more WITH the crowd present doing exactly that with fervour. Our relationship is brought into question and grows complicated and dark, parts of the ttpd section feel almost unsettling to watch. After sitting with it for awhile i feel like the ttpd section kind of completed eras and turned it into something closer to a strange performance art of this bizarre mutual parasocial relationship we all hold with taylor and maybe even became my favorite section??? (or it wouldve been if she didnt Have to add fortnight which just seems so dull live, its really not made for that environment)

[fulgurbugs]

It’s time for another doll review!

today, i’m unboxing venus mcflytrap, the newest in the series of core students for monster high g3. she’s been showing up in targets sporadically, though my targets tend to be late on the pickup so i ended up ordering her for delivery as soon as she was up on the website.

she was delivered a few days early and i sent her to my moms house, so i was dying to go back there to open her up for those few days. here’s her in box! she’s quite tall, though without an abbey to compare im not sure if she’s about the same size as her?

freed from the box! once again the star jar is my prop-up instead of a proper stand, though venus is actually sturdy enough to stand on her own without too much trouble.

of course we’ll take a look at the shoes. g3 loves a gradient boot, and i’m a fan here. the look like concrete planters before they fade to pink, and the teeth are just hilarious.

the vines are rubbery and removable. the bottoms of them have a peg that secures them to the boots.

another detail i wanted a close up on is venus’s molded vine details. i love that g3 is going more in with the monsterey details, and these are awesome. they peek out just above her mismatched legging pieces

the face: venus’s mold and makeup are both great. instead of the shaved side of her g1 version, she has molded braids, which still give her that asymmetrical look. her ear mold also has a leaf look to it as well. her hair is some kind of yarn, i believe. i’m not sure how durable the ends are, though, so i may see if there’s a need to seal them to preserve them. (in addition, one minor defect i have seen people have with their venus rooting is that the larger yarn plugs seem to sometimes tear her scalp slightly, so it may be something to check for if you’re buying her in person.) i’m a very big fan of the black features they’ve added to venus this generation, which i think has been the general consensus on her design that i’ve seen online. her reception has been overwhelmingly positive, and she is the doll that has many people warming up to g3. and id have to agree! i’m a little picky with what dolls i want (unless they’re draculaura dolls, lol) and she was an instant note on my wantlist as soon as those stock photos were out.

accessories! venus comes with a clear open backpack, icoffin, energy bar, water bottle, a hair product bottle (if someone knows specifically what product it is please let me know, im not sure off the top of my head), sunglasses shaped like venus flytraps (of course) and her pet, chewlian.

chewlian is well… definitely a pet! he does come out of the pot, though. i said this in a previous review, i think core lagoonas, but i’m continually baffled and amused at the ability of g3 to turn every pet into a dog or cat version of it. while the pets have never been a draw for me, this is just comical. i think i’ll stick by a previous joke i made that chewlian just ate someone’s dog, and that’s why he looks like that.

the backpack can hold one (1) chewlian or all of her other accessories. something about the way this backpack sits on her or the silhouette or something is awesome to me, i love it a lot. it’s super cute, and i want to display her with the bag instead of storing the backpacks like i usually do.

one last little thing, while i don’t have abbey, my draculauras, or even twyla to compare her too, i think venus is about abbey height, though i think she’s got a slimmer body and hips. here’s her next to frankie. venus also uses the clawed hand mold.

of course, we have to have the obligatory .5 shot

and that’s venus! one last note i want to make is there’s been a lot of fomo around her, but i want to remind people she is going to be widely available as abbey and clawd are. she is going to stick around for a long time compared to other lines, so there’s no need to pay scalper prices for her (i know i say this as someone who bought her as soon as i could, but that was as soon as i could for strictly retail price. i’m just saying i get it, lol.)

i also recognize that that’s a bit america-centric, but she also did start showing up in person in the UK before the US, so hopefully her international release isn’t as frustrating as other lines and characters.

thanks for reading! big g3 venus fan now and forever, and i’m excited to see her eventually show up in other lines, too!

[fatcowboys]

i rlly kinda need fat liberation or body positivity or whatever to be so so so So much better about includong masculine folks in their resources and conversations.

ive rarely been femme even before i knew i wasnt a woman so its not like ive really had a bountiful access to fat resources aimed towards femme folks but god damn i have felt my options shrink even smaller the less comfortable i am with femme aimed resources and how out of place my body seems within so many of those spaces and resources. ESPECIALLY ones that can accomodate my trans body, tits (that i don't hate! and don't foresee going anywhere anytime soon!) and all.

i know how few plus sized clothing brands there are (not even getting into affordable + ethically made etc etc) but if the ones that exist its an OVERWHELMINGLY femme aligned majority that i feel miserable wearing without a lot of extra styling and modification work. or the amount of masc clothes in stock at plus size resale stores vs femme clothes. or if i am looking for style inspiration or folks speaking about fat liberation finding fit insp for fat women is easy! but i have a much smaller pool of fat masculine folks (who i treasure dearly!) that ive found and return to their content regularly because its so valuable to me because its often hidden under content that, while important, has limited usefulness for me

i find this extra prevalent in body positivity spaces, where it often feels like resources and information is shared with the assumption that its been shared to other femme folks and women without specifying that is who its usefulness is aimed towards. what triggered this post right now (although its honestly always lurking around the corner, watch out if you have a single conversation with me about fat liberation) was a post about body positivity where someone shared a resource of a website where you can put in your height, weight, other info and see people who might look like you (and make it easier to appreciate their body where you find it difficult to appreciate your own). and i thought thats a cool resource! i dont get to see people who look like me, hardly ever! lets check it out!

unfortunately what wasnt included was that the subtitle for this site is "what real women look like" so while there wasn't any info stating identities of the people shown on the photos, of the few i clicked through they all were femme and while they looked great, i didnt see anyone who i felt looked like me to get what i hoped out of that site. this would have been fine if the person had posted it had stated its target audience up front, but this isnt the first time, and wont be the last time, that i got excited about a resource only to learn it actually has very little that applies to me.

if you are someone who shares content about fat liberation, PLEASE consider how much content and resources you share that can be utilized by your masculine followers as well - and at the very least, please don't state something as universally beneficially if its not. i understand why there is such a focus on this considering the history of beauty standards applied to femme folks (and more). however im unlearning those too and now also dealing with new ones as i transition that are far less talked about and i just ask we give some space for fat men, masculine people, butches and more to also create space to deal with these struggles within fat liberation spaces. especially especially especially for fellow folks larger than small fats because the need only grows.

[mappingthesky]

YES! EXACTLY! nymphia is an actual ray of sunshine and pj always look at her with such adoration in her eyes <33 they’re very close, i think everyone around them can see that. even pj in one of her subscription chats said that only nymphia (and mirage) are her besties :’))

(if any artist is interested in drawing that moment, it was for the m&g in Chile, in case they want to draw them in the clothes they were actually wearing 👀)

nymphia is insanely more beautiful in person and i’m still shocked how pj have the sweetest eyes i’ve ever seen 😵‍💫 she seems intimidating on screen but she’s a literally angel on earth

i could scream. thank u for this… i am devouring the details…. i love that their closeness is so evident - that’s clear through the internet, but i love that it’s so obvious irl :’) plus nymphia IS such ray of sunshine, i can’t imagine anyone not being completely enamored by her!

i’m sure they r both overwhelmingly pretty irl…i cannot even imagine. i also love that u had such a positive experience with peej…. from what i’ve gleaned from the 1st class passengers chat on insta (which…i do pay to lurk in LMAOOO) there r a lot of really sweet interactions with fans.. always seems happy to say hi to ppl :’) i know after she missed the m&g for toronto pride she stayed after to take pics with every person who asked, which is nice of her :( cute stuff, im so so happy u had a good time anon :’)

[baby-yaga]

this is a post about ageplay and the weird role it played in my life as a teenager its very personal and vulnerable but this is my public diary so!!! dont like dont read!!

when i was a child, but older, i would do things i knew i was "too old" for

i couldnt stop myself from doing it, and i felt extremely ashamed and embarrassed.

i would steal note pads from my grandpa, decorate them to look like the couch notebook from blues clues, and watch it with rapt attention. i would watch a lot of preschool shows actually.

as a teenager, i would hide in my closet and play with my dolls. it would be a variety of games, but a lot of it was sexually explicit and violent

i had limited avenues for exploring this, and discovered ageplay (ddlg specifically) when i was around 15 or 16. while it was a kink, and i knew that, i found the concept of "little space" seemed to perfectly describe what i was dealing with.

i made friends with a couple that i knew from a forum we were both in, who were into the kink. they didnt groom me by any definition, made no attempts to contact me outside of the open forums we interacted on, and made their boundaries very clear that they would not discuss anything sexual with me whatsoever. they allowed me to tell them about the ageregression i did. they told me that the ageplay community is for grown ups, in no uncertain terms, but said when i was an adult i was of course welcome to engage in the community.

i forgot all about it by the time i was 18, however. this is a part of my teenhood ive never really examined, to be honest. it felt shameful in part, i think, made no better by the internet at larges seething hatred for ageplay, but i also just felt embarrassed that i was still so "immature" at that age. its only now as im typing this that i realize i was age regressing. at that point in time i was "consensually" interacting with adults that were way more predatory than the small portion of the kink community i had met, and i wanted to grow up so much. i had planned to graduate early, get emancipated, and get a job before that plan was... non viable.

im not sure what the point of this post is. i wish i could tell that couple how much i appreciate their friendship. how much it meant to me that i could share that part of myself with other people, and they would make efforts to keep it safe. i wish i could tell them how much they meant to me back then and now.

kids shouldnt be in kink spaces for so many reasons, and i certainly dont want to take on the reaponsibility of sort of mentoring a 16 year old on the subject, but my personal experience in the age play community was overwhelmingly positive, and im really grateful that i met the adults i did meet through it rather than anyone genuinely predatory

[robo-milky]

HIHI CHRIS!!!!! IM BUSY SO ITLL PROBS TAKE ME A WHILE TO REPLY TO THIS but may I req ∅ w Ashi??? 👀

[Ask game]

Cloche’ thoughts on…

Ashi

“I can’t say Master Ashi is a friend… but we get can along.”

• Cloche is very lukewarm about Ashi. She doesn’t harbour a strong like or dislike, as Ashi seems to be one of the more normal individuals— albeit a little too overwhelmingly energetic for Cloche. Despite this, Cloche commends Ashi’s cheerfulness, and respects the strength she has to never show a frown. Admittedly, Cloche thought Ashi’s bubbling positivity to be annoying at first, until after noticing how… static it was. As a skeptic who hates leaving stones unturned, Cloche can’t help but feel like there’s something more.

• Another artist, huh? Cloche would follow Ashi’s art account on Magicam (or whichever social media). She’d enjoy being able to converse with another artist and ask for Ashi’s thoughts on things, regarding designs or palette choices. Cloche is also intrigued in what Ashi would bring to the table. Each artist has their own interpretation after all.

• Cloche doesn’t mind seeing Ashi and Ace show off a little in public. Key word, a little. With Binding Bells, Cloche can feel like a third-wheel when she’s not even in their vicinity.

• In the end, if Cloche takes Ashi at face value and dismisses her own suspicions, Ashi’s lack of a concise opinion tick her off a little. She can understand how there may be some “go with the flow” kinds of people who genuinely doesn’t mind doing anything, but Cloche thinks the ambiguity is a hindrance that may slow down or complicate communication.

“That’s a nice pen colour you have there, Master Ashi.”

[bitdemonic]

hiii i hope ur having a great dayyy i would like to participate in ur tarot game <3

my initials are rm, im a libra sun, pisces moon and gemini rising

im choosing two and eight

also im super obsessed with ur whole aesthetic and account !! I love ittt and im definitely turning the notifications on bc ur last post was EVERYTHING

thank u for the game <<33

hi sanny🤭 apologies for the long ass wait bae and tysm for your super kind words! hope this resonates mwah

no. 2🍹 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐝𝐲𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐜

🃏6op. 6os. 6ow. the lovers. justice. ideation. comfort. fear.

the sexual dynamic between the both of y’all feels safe and comforting, it’ll be gentle and adoring despite passion’s intensity. bedroom pleasure is soft, very baby or vanilla ice cream—sweet but not overwhelmingly. y’all leave the impression of doing for each other instead of simply just doing, there’s appreciation over the bond before and above everything else. actions that apply to this sentiment could be fluffing pillows for a better prop up, massaging shoulders or feet, whispering love affirmations, washing each other’s bodies after etc. self care is a ritual when it comes to sexual regime, but with the number 6 (virgo’s house in astro, schedule and routine) being prominent in the cards y’all could practice self care religiously.

y’all will spoil each other for sure, the 6op indicates that this connection will include balance or give and receive. very libra energy, the scales are even when it comes to y’all’s happiness and pleasure together (ideation in this sense). this can symbolize shopping for sex toys together, suggesting new positions for both partners (think 69), deciding to spend longer in bed for another round, etc. because i sense saturn’s presence a bit im guessing that this type of solidification was earned. there’s restriction around either intimacy or relationships, maybe love in general? it’s even possible all three could’ve caused a delay in having sex, or at least withheld it longer than intended. the fear card represents that, but it seems to heal whenever y’all are together.

✞

no. 8🍸 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞

🃏 knaveoswords. 8op. knightocups↺. the tower↺. stop. pain↺. balance↺.

drink number eight is my favorite and this is exactly why lmao. before i even started writing, “come run your hands through my hair” and “that’s why it’s there” was a constant. these are lyrics from ariana grande’s song “my hair” and this translates into someone being a ‘lip bite, finger plunge into their scalp to keep from screaming’ person—on the occasion it’ll be yours too. it keeps them from acting clinically insane, i even heard “outrageous”. tossing their head backwards with a stifled moan, or blowing out tufts (tufts) of air before pulling their lip into their mouth. this fs is someone that tends to present themselves as grounded even if they actually aren’t, they’re not a fan of the vulnerable or weak state at all. it’s the same when it comes to sex, if not stronger, so an idgaf war is bound to happen (they’ll lose drastically).

animated or expressive faces are here, but with a piscean nature to them (emotional, deep thought). them being in pleasure is the literal textbook definition of being in awe, just add knitted brows and a slack jaw instead. their pupils will be blown as well, half-lidded and fucked to pieces because “wow”—it’s resemblant of a puppy’s, when they’re either shining with sadness or gleaming with excitement. 8op here, this person has a (specific) quirk that they’ll act on to keep from releasing early. for example, there’s this p-star that i (used to) watch and his restraint tactic was biting the side of his finger so he wouldn’t cum. your partner has that same habit, except it’ll be during a certain act (oral, kissing, foreplay etc). this person is prob sensitive hence the need to retain composure.

with the tower being a major arcana card (catalysts, major events in life), this fs will always have a buildup of emotions when they’re experiencing gratification. “getting worked on” came in, this could def point to them receiving head especially since i mentioned that they’re prone to sensitivity (could be down there specifically). this also means explosive orgasms or “big” finishers, moments that’ll leave them shaking or clenching. “tumultuous.” it starts off quiet then ends off loud, or strong in their case. it’s literally reminiscent of an actual tower falling, the slow crumble before it comes crashing down.

✞

[shamelessrabbithole]

noel changed from being social to private because of parasocial fans and the one that can’t accept he’s not gay but married to a woman. same thing goes for noel. @ anon i don’t know how long you’ve been following him but due to him leaving after s5 there was so much drama happening. everyone in the cast commented on socials and fought with fans that harassed the cast for not bringing back noel (as if it’s in their power) i think cameron would have smacked everyone in the face if he could have, he really was having none of it (which is why i was very surprised he returned for s10/11 and noel too.) it puts everyone in a very awkward position. noel seems very down to earth and i guess the moment he realised he can’t use socials like he’s talking to many friends, he stopped using it cause anything he would say or do was met with nasty comments towards him, his wife, complaining about gallavich deleted scenes, their actual scenes, out of characters moments etc. even tho he might love that character im sure he would like to focus on other things without being reminded about one role for the rest of his life. i don’t blame him if i were him i would have flipped a long time ago. it’s silly to say but he’s older than the original main cast and his acting roles have always been chill (fame wise) so he’s just your usual guy that who likes to chill and joke around, the moment it becomes too much you take a step back, that’s all to it. i really don’t think he has the will or patience to care about the negativity he gets online, he reads a lot and spends his time in the garden and working out (for what we have gathered) honestly his life seems pretty cool this way. take his 40th birthday pictures, the moment cameron shared layla ones or her with noel everyone went insane saying she’s always attached to him and being angry about the cam/noel moments being ruined. he can’t even enjoy his birthday with the people he love that he’s going to be judged. for his clothes, his hair, the way he ages. i’m also confident layla archived so many pictures of the two together cause of rude comments. they need to be respected as we truly don’t know anything about them so experiencing something that awful and deciding to take a step back to focus on what’s in front of you seem the best idea. (not that im not sad we don’t see his face or his funny jokes like back in the days, but i would rather have him chilling at home than stressing over anything not important)

This is a topic that comes up a lot—the Shameless fandom being a volatile, toxic horde that attacked everyone and essentially sent Noel into hiding. However, the show has been off the air for years. The emotional levels aren't running nearly as high anymore. Not even close.

People do say rude things on his posts, especially the ones with Layla, but the comments on most others are overwhelmingly positive. What you're reading and reacting to is stuff that's said on accounts and platforms Noel isn't visiting. For example, clothes, hair, and the way he ages. That's all content restricted to spaces he doesn't see.

Anyway, it's absolutely his right to scale back on social media. Elise, Kate, Isidora, Emmy, Steve, Bill, Dennis... a lot of the Shameless core cast is similarly silent on instagram most of the time and they don't seem to catch flack for it (that we see). I can't speak for their fans, but I'm thinking they're just not nearly as rabid a bunch as we are.

[pjulian]

Shoreline Cafe - In the land…

In the mood for a latte, american breakfast, and skipping class, I (guiltily) dragged julian to shoreline cafe before (during) class a wednesday morning.

Being one of the only walkable food spots in the cc area, (who knows when sushi gogo will return?) It is a frequented cafe of ours.

Staffed by what seems like exclusively twenty-something college students, Shoreline Cafe usually offers iffy service, but good food.

It’s best feature is easily the view, being literally beachside but nicely protected from the sun, wind, and sand.

Starting with our quintessential espresso, we both got vanilla lattes. Mine oat, of course. Truly unbelievable that julian didn't get a mocha. Really solid flavor, but not jaw dropping. We have previously had their hot lattes, also great. Interestingly, always served in a different style of cup.

Moving onto the mains, i got the two egg breakfast. julian got the chilaquiles. A bit sloppy on the presentation of mine but not a huge concern. I am a huge fan of full breakfasts, i love just picking at like five different things. It's hard to mess up toast, but it was good. The potatoes were also great, cooked well and seasoned beautifully, crunchy but soft inside. The sausage is positively to die for, at least for me. I could have eaten a plate of like, twenty sausage patties. The eggs were... Eggs. Never my favorite, but I smothered them with ketchup.

As mentioned before, service here can be a bit spotty. It seems the waiters disappear for decent chunks of time. They're all kind, but julian and I were sitting at the table, plates very obviously demolished, for a good 20-30 minutes sans check. Eventually it arrived, pretty standard prices around $25 per person.

All in all, I do love the shoreline cafe. Something about it, perhaps the sunshine, feels comforting. Food is actually good, and worth the ok service. I will continue to look forward to more irresponsible breakfasts.

★★★ 1/2 / 5

Until next time,

pj

Read julian's thoughts on his food below ⬇️

shoreline cafe on its own is just a fine little thing that i probably wouldnt go out of my way to eat at if given the choice but paired with a morning college class that im too tired to attend and a cripplingly empty stomach (plus pjs manipulation) my brain suddenly turns it into the most gourmet and extravagant of meals i could possibly ingest. pjs on the money when it comes to the slow service but if you get a seat on the deck its not really much of an issue considering the gorgeous view of the beach and ocean that keeps you occupied, only really becomes a problem if you show up with your stomach acid already burning a hole through your abdomen like we do. i always try and spot some dolphins or something on the horizon but theyve never come, only boring shit like seagulls and swimmers but still pretty beautiful nonetheless. 

ive always gotten a burger or something else lunch-oriented every time weve gone here but this time i decided to switch it up and got chilaquiles instead to prove to everyone in the restaurant that i was a #realmexican despite my light skin and broken spanish. the chilaquiles came with eggs and a bowl of fruit which was appreciated, i typically prefer a fried or over easy egg on top of them but i got scrambled in case they were on the side and they were. no big deal just not really my preference, i guess i couldve asked the waiter to put them on top but like i dont know i didnt really want to inconvenience them. like i didnt want to be that guy who asks for the eggs on top yknow. and then the chefs are all annoyed cause they gotta put the eggs on top for the little gay kid skipping class. anyways besides that the chilaquiles were good, not the best ive ever had but still good. liked the salsa had a kick but not overwhelmingly spicy either. the little fruit cup was a welcome addition it had pineapple in it and im not the biggest fan of pineapple but any fruit with breakfast is good to me.

overall shoreline cafe isnt really all that on its own but if youre a student looking to kill time or just down by the beach in general and wanting to grab a bite then its not a bad pick, even just for the view alone. id give it 3 and a half stars.

thats the facts,

julian

Shoreline Cafe: 3.5 ★

[pulchrasilva]

Hey totally normal couple of posts you just made there but also WHAT. COULD I HAVE A CRUMB OF CONTEXT THAT IS SO FUCKING FUNNY DUDE

Ahsmaksnk alright I was planning to just say shit without context but since you asked for it, prepare to hear about the worst fucking person!

So context for this story, Thomas Sanders has been struggling with a skin condition that has (among other things) been causing him to lose his hair. He's made a couple of videos, the most recent one coming with the announcement that he was shaving his hair off and changing a few other things about his look as a way to feel more confident in himself. I will say that the reactions I've seen from most fanders has been overwhelmingly positive and I'm getting the impression that he's been much happier since

And I only find this because I'm looking the roleslaying with roman tag, and certain fanders have the unfortunate tendency to tag unrelated Thomas Sanders stuff with the roleslaying tag

So he did a photoshoot with the new look recently. And I find edits of the photo shoot to put his old hairstyle back on, with a caption like "I think the old hair really ties it together 😍".

This is pretty damn insensitive and I have a tendency to go fucking feral when people are assholes about hair so naturally I go to the roleslaying server to bitch about this. Apparently I'm not the only one who's encountered this person, because I didn't even say a url before everyone is like "ugh god this fucking person".

So we're all morbidly fascinated by this person and we start looking through their blog. It's fucking vile in there. Just a whole lot of "wow Thomas is so sexy" coupled with "his new hair is gonna make me stop loving him :/" to make it really clear that they apparently think of him more as an object rather than a person with the right to look how he wants.

Turns out that they've been told directly that this is making Thomas uncomfortable and they haven't stopped. Their response to being criticised about this is genuinely hilarious. It includes some real gems like "I know it may seem like my love is conditional but it's not" (do you know the meaning of conditional) and "I just have some genuine concerns and criticisms" (you don't get to have genuine concerns about other peoples bodies) and "im not body shaming him" (this is absolutely body shaming. Honestly after hes been so vulnerable about his hair I'd say its worse than those other people) and "fanders can't handle even the slightest criticism towards Thomas 🙄" (maybe a fair criticism but what you're doing here is not criticism at all it's just being an asshole)

Apparently they got cancer as a kid or something and thought they were gonna lose their hair, so they get triggered by other people shaving their hair. And there was something about being afraid of change in there too. They described in great detail about how Thomas shaving his hair left them hyperventilating, and how when their irl crush said she wanted to shave her hair they kept dropping hints about how much they hated the idea until she left.

Honestly I'm concerned about them, other people's hair should not be leaving you this distressed. Like they need some help and I don't mean that in the "I don't like them so I'm gonna make jokes about them going to therapy way" I mean that entirely genuinely. I'd feel worse for them if they weren't such an asshole about it though. Like idgaf about your sob story if you're using it to justify asserting your own desires about how someone looks above their comfort and boundaries

Anyway yeah that's the reason I'm never gonna think about the silly fight with the bald guys in the same way every again. I mean I'm exaggerating but yeah

[spikekat]

hope you dont mind me chiming in, this just really resonates with what ive been thinking about lately. partly about the ways that somehow the (overwhelmingly het) narrative about "sucks that women have to take care of mens emotional needs in unfair unequal ways" has shifted to "fuck men and fuck taking care of people" instead of "relationships of all platonic and nonplatonic stripes should work on being more recipricol" which doesnt make sense to me. (and also some unarticulated thoughts about how it doesnt seem to factor in the ways that gay men, and other gender-weird men dont dont do the het relationship dependecy and are Also incredibly lonely and struggle to work out how to be social with each other. ive been out for ~12 ish years, on t for over 7 yrs, but still read weird gender-wise, both for fag reasons but also inescapable trans-body reasons, which gives me a weird position to see 1) how i get read changes drastically on the smallest changes in context 2) seeing overlapping trans issues w/ the social in-and-apart-from how much nontrans gay mascs of varying genders struggle in the social and lonliness areas) i also think there's an added layer of Trans, where, because gender is so baked into every single social interaction, even if people ARE cool about trans people, theyre also often unsure and uncomfortable. so you get the male-lonliness plus the all-gender trans lonliness.

& whats one of the hardest things, in my experience, are the ways that people (especially, in my experience, women who used to be in solidarity with me-as-a-girl) resent trans men for transitioning.... despite the fact that. being trans of any stripe is a marginalized gender. still more in common than not. the terf-lite "betrayer" narrative is really hard for people to square with, i think. the shift of being taught to be loud & stop apologizing as a feminist, but then, when i stayed the same but suddenly had a deeper voice and more hair, i actually need to be quiet--doesnt make sense? also feels alienating and increases self-reflective censorship.

slightly off course maybe but. hmm. the older i get the more im attuned to the narratives cis people have set up to Allow transness. relegating trans women to Traditional Womanhood (evil hypervisible pedestal) and men to Traditional Masculinity (deragotory, be silent) even though like... marginalized genders continue to have more in common with each other than not, including lack of social support. and i think we (trans people) repeat a lot of it (at least i have, and im trying to train myself out of it) because as a trans person, you want to be good! theres a lot riding on you, representationally, in the face of transphobia, to be seen as Being Good by cis standards. even when cis standards dont fit for trans people--and honestly dont fucking fit for cis people either it seems.

there was a take on my dash earlier that was basically 'wdym men aren't allowed to talk about their feelings, all men do is talk about their feelings, have you ever heard A Podcast, what loneliness epidemic shut the fuck up about it'

and yes, being a woman in Society is worse and more limiting in any number of ways, but as a trans man I gotta say I didn't understand just how bad and lonely it is for men until I transitioned.

it was really eye-opening seeing the way people reacted to me changing. friends I had previously exchanged emotional support with became more closed off. strangers became more indifferent or cautious. this is beyond the transphobic response of losing family and friends because I was trans - this was because even the people who were supportive of my transition had a set response for how to treat men in their head, and were acting according to that. and as someone who transitioned late and got to go through Sexism Hell, I can't fault that avoidance and arm's length distance.

still, at the same time, transitioning has been the loneliest thing I've ever done, and it feels taboo to say that in no small part because of 'lol who cares about men' narratives. it's been to the point where I've questioned whether I should have transitioned at all, now that I've smacked face-first into this wall. I can't imagine what it would have been like to grow up with it. I probably would have made a podcast as well just to talk to somebody without feeling like I was inflicting my presence on the unwilling.

I dunno. the further I get into transition, the more :S I feel about 'men need to shut up' narratives, but maybe that's just male privilege coming into play. maybe this is a post that should have stayed unposted because it's just a man whining about his feelings! but I've been having ~trans feels~ about this for a while now so it gets to go on my blog.

[rubyneo]

hmm if i do this im gonna NEED to have a space to put together zine bundles huh...

[hawkinsp0st]

Hey bestie (can I call you that?) have you ever been through the anti-byler tag, not the like mikhail posts or anything, but actual anti-byler stuff? what did you think? it made me rather sad :( like i get we can be really opinionated but that doesn't make us delusional or obsessed

you guys are all my besties so yes ofc <3

first of all, im so sorry to hear it made you sad! be sure to look after yourself <3 watch something happy, spend time w friends/fam/pets, read some fluff, hang out in the byler tag and post some memes with us :-)

yes omg…….i went in it once like a month ago……..honestly, the arguments lacked compassion and were also weak af just narratively, the vibes were really annoying and bad so i forgot most of what i saw LOL !!

the main thing i saw was that 1. bylers are misogynistic towards el, 2. bylers are making something out of nothing essentially, and 3. that it’s unhealthy for will to be so attached to mike and he needs to move on.

i laughed so hard at these arguments when i saw them bc i’m a walking contradiction of all 3:

1. i didn’t give af about byler till s4v2, because literally all i cared about was el and nancy and max and joyce……i adore the female characters on this show w my entire soul……….so bylers being misogynistic? my lie detector test determined that was a lie !

2. i didn’t even know byler was a ship that existed till s4, and the only reason i noticed it was bc while watching s4, mike and will had several romantic moments LOL……the duffers byler’d me! i wasn’t searching for an mlm ship and grasping at straws just to make that happen, which is what a lot of antis seem to think we’re doing (aaand the tone with which they express that is often homophobic/condescending).

3. before i was a critical thinker i kinda agreed with this i guess?………but then i rewatched s1&2, and watched the van scene & milk monologue. so basically, i’m convinced antis just do not watch the show. mike’s love for will is already life affirming as it stands, even pre requited feelings—“you make (me) feel like i’m better for being different.” aka mike literally makes will feel okay about being different and being gay when no one else in the show has made him feel that way outside of joyce & jonathan. that’s amazing, and i’d argue that mike has an overwhelmingly positive effect on will 24/7 (except during their fights). he defends him against homophobic bullies in s1 even when he’s not around. he never leaves his side in s2. even in s3, once he learns the mindflayer is back, he drops everything and becomes the Party leader again all bc he trusted what will told him. and in s4, we find out that he makes will feel good about being different. please lmk what’s unhealthy about that.

sorry this is so long, but in conclusion: you’re correct, we are not delusional or obsessed. we are just enjoyers, and smart watchers, of media :-) much love my dear !!!!! <3