#but if u go back and watch interviews/programs they were on you can see him squinting a LOT

[lesbiancarat]

ur post made me realize how little mr wen junhui shares about himself like? i didnt even know he had poor eyesight wdym he got lasik… people would usually say wonwoo or another member when they think of “private” svteeners but really who is this enigma of a man!!!!! icb much of the info we know about him came from others

on that note i would love to hear more obscure jun facts if you have any more 🤲🏻

haha i feel like he shares more than u might think, there are a lot of little tidbits he shares on his weibo lives and such that mostly circulate among huihuis. which is probably true of every member, it makes sense that ppl would pay a bit closer attention/remember more details about their bias. but also tbf 90% of the things he talks about on lives or in fansigns etc. is literally just food so he can also get away with talking a lot without sharing much so i see where you're coming from DKJHG

but i would be happy to share some more obscure jun facts! (this wasn't intentional but these are all predebut lmao)

when he was young he asked his mom why everyone had flowers that day and his mom explained valentine's day to him. when he realized his mom didn't have a valentine (because she was a single mother) he ran off when his mom wasn't looking and came back with a single rose ;-; (from this article about jun's childhood published from his child acting days, it's a good read with a bunch more obscure jun facts but this is my favorite story from it bc it feels like something out of a drama ;-;)

he learned to cook from his mom and grandma

he did martial arts as a kid bc he wanted to act in wuxia dramas

he also injured himself when doing martial arts at one point and developed spinal tuberculosis and had to get surgery

in highschool he was asked to join the modelling club but he declined

he WAS in the tennis club in highschool and joined it bc there was a tennis anime he thought was cool (i don't think he ever specified which show, it may have also been multiple animes where there were characters who played tennis that inspired him to join)

i probably have more obscure jun facts bouncing around in my head but these are the first ones that came to mind

[koolades-world]

one of my besties had me watch the madison beer mv of make you mine and it's actually such a good song. i love that the entire thing is jennifer's body themed. you know it's bad when i think of fictional characters while i listen to the song haha. sorry if mephi's dialogue seems a little ooc, not super familiar with his speech patterns yet

i'm really bad at giving things titles as you can see haha. highly recommend giving it a listen or listening while you read this <3

also i just learnt mephisto has an undercut? it's actually black so is purple not his natural hair color? he'd look really pretty with black hair but part of me wonders if he dyed it purple to look different from lucifer

anyways sorry this is so late! got busy hanging out with friends and the thing i had originally wanted to post wasn't ready, and i just really wanted to post this haha. enjoy :)

make u mine (mephisto x reader)

Mephisto had never meant to end up in such a compromising situation with the human exchange student, of all people. Not that it being anyone else would have made it better, but at least You looked absolutely ravishing in your party wear, and despite everything in him telling him to look away, he couldn't tear his eyes away from you. Had you placed a spell on him?

It all started with a few words overheard in a conversation between Diavolo and Lucifer. Of course, he hadn't meant to overhear what they were saying on purpose. He could thank the journalist inside him unconsciously picking up on many side conversations at the same time, and that one in particular happened to catch his interest. Listening to Mammon and Asmo talk about the latest party they were going to could wait. His attention was fully captured when he heard the phrase "exchange program." That phrase always meant a scoop was just around the bend.

He had no clue that this "scoop" would slowly consume every waking moment he occupied.

Once the time came that for the program to start, he didn't expect to be greeted with two very different humans. One was a powerful sorcerer he knew rather well, from a distance of course, and the other was a seeming nobody. He thought it was odd, but he wanted to interview you nonetheless to get your thoughts on the program. He was interested in learning about you. It started as the beginnings of an article he knew would perform well, and morphed into personal curiosity.

Getting you alone proved difficult. One of those pesky brothers was always with you, and they seemed very insistent on keeping you two apart. They must've received some kind of instruction from Lucifer, as even Satan seemed intent on staying between the two of you. He had been sitting the the RAD newspaper room, alone, pondering over this exact dilemma, when his problem resolved itself when you came barreling the room, slamming the door shut behind you.

"Hey." You were out of breath. Your hair was a mess and a half smile on your face. Your back was pressed to the door. The moment he made eye contact with you was a moment he couldn't quite put words to, despite being excellent at that. He found it hard to look away from you.

He was speechless at first at the crazy coincidence, as if his thoughts had summoned you. "Ehem. How may I help you?" He raised an eyebrow at you.

"Will you do me a tinsy little favor and hide me? Pretty please?" The way you batted your eyelashes at him made his heart immediately cave to your demands, but he knew he had a reputation to uphold.

"Will you agree to do an interview with me if I do?" He spun the question around on you. He had wanted to ask anyways. He wasn't one to pass up an opportunity presented to him on a silver platter.

"Deal. Quick, Lucifer probably wasn't far behind me." You rushed towards him, taking his hand. This shook him for the second time in less than a minute. Hurriedly, he shoved you behind the printing press that occupied one side of the room and turned it on to cover up any noise you might make. No sooner than he had done this, Lucifer threw the door open.

"Didn't you hear me knocking?" The demon looked just out of sort as you had, but angry rather than amused like you were. He hadn't seen anyone get such a rise out of Lucifer in a while. He was interested in hearing your story. Lucifer's eyes scanned the room in search of you, but only grew more irate upon finding nothing out of the ordinary.

"No. I'm busy." Mephisto turned his back to Lucifer to conceal his growing grin.

"Mc isn't in here, are they?" Lucifer remained in the doorway.

"What do you think? This a writing sanctuary, not a daycare." Mephisto picked up one of the papers printed, pretending to look busy. Lucifer huffed, annoyed.

"Watch yourself, cocky journalist." With that, Lucifer spun around and left the room. He left the door slightly ajar, making Mephisto the most annoyed he'd been during that entire interaction. After pushing the door shut, he called out to you.

"He's gone. You have quite the story to tell, hmm?" He grabbed his notepad and pen, beckoning you to take a seat on the couch beside him.

"Turn off the noisemaker, then we can talk." You sat beside him after coming out of hiding. With a playful sigh, he got back up to shut it off so he could really begin to talk to you.

That was his first real conversation with you without one of the brothers present, and he suddenly understood their desire to keep you to themselves. Thankfully, after that day, he had his foot in the door and you were more than happy to speak to him despite the brother's protests. The scowl on Lucifer's face from over your shoulder as you happily chatted with him was worth the world to him because Mephisto knew that Lucifer wouldn't try anything; not with you with your hands all over him, anyways. He adored being the center of your attention despite the fact that several brothers were watching closely. You often slipped away from the brothers and escaped to the room you knew he'd be in. He didn't know if what you were doing was intentional or not, but he began to grow conditioned to seeing you laid out on the plush sofa by his desk, or parked on the desk itself, waiting for him with a smile and open arms. It got to the point where he was certain he saw more of you that any of the brothers did.

He was unsure about how to feel, but he welcomed you into his life readily. It became more than just being with you to make Lucifer mad. It became being with you just to be with you, because he enjoyed your company. However, he always felt as if he left something to be desired when he thought about you. You always left his heart aflutter with your touches, even though he wanted to assume it was just how you behaved normally.

A hand on his shoulder, a hand on his arm, a hand on his. Sometimes, a hand on his waist, fingers looped through his belt loops. A hand on his chest, playing with his tie. A hand on his face, thumbs gliding over his cheeks. A hand on his thigh, hidden under the table.

They all drove him insane.

It was then he realized he harbored some sort of feelings for the human who'd initially started as just the topic of an article he was writing. He craved your attention and wanted to be as close to you as possible. He knew that went past what he'd initially thought about himself. While you were simply a human, you were a human who'd managed to capture the affections of the seven demon lords, and beyond.

A party at his place was what finally unraveled everything. Despite it being his party and therefore, the center of attention, he was only interested in one person. He knew you'd gotten ready in his bedroom as an effort to prevent the brothers from stopping you from going. They, of course, weren't invited, but he wouldn't be surprised if they showed up always once they realized where you were. He knew at this point, he should just give you your own room. It wasn't like he couldn't afford it. He had many empty bedrooms and could easily make one into yours, but he loved sharing his space with you. Something inside him loved seeing your things intermingled with his, and he didn't want to part with that.

But, he hadn't seen you since he went downstairs to begin greeting guests. His eyes scanned the room, searching for you. He thought he saw the flash of a familiar blond head of hair, but he swept past that. His gaze soon settled on the person he was looking for: you. You were chatting with another guest, but as soon as you noticed his stare, you excused yourself from the conversation to make your way over to him. He began to think about you, and how much happier he'd be once you were by his side. He greeted you enthusatically and told you how amazing you looked. You naturally slotted into his side, hands on his shoulders.

In his haze, he failed to notice someone behind him. They bumped into him, causing him to spill his drink all over you. He quickly turned to reprimand them, and to catch their face, but they had vanished into the crowd before he could. Mephisto clenched his fists, but there was nothing he could do. The perpetrator had been swallowed by the evermoving crowd of people. Instead, he went back to you, and decided to help you get cleaned up. You seemed nonchalant about the entire situation, and were happy holding his hand as he dragged you up the stairs to his room.

"Mephi, there's no need to be so worked up. It's a simple fix. If the stain doesn't come out, it was only twenty bucks anways." You kept pace with him.

"It's a matter of dignity. Whoever that was embarrassed me, and now I look like a total moron." He couldn't look at you. His face was most certainly red.

"Not to me you don't." Those words quelled the inner calamity he had a little.

"Well, either way, the stain will set in if we don't do something about it now." He pulled you into his room and locked the door behind you. The last thing he wanted was some nosy demon wandering in after the two of you. If you didn't care what they thought, why should he? But, he didn't want his time with you to be interrupted.

He peered into his closet for something for you to wear. Usually, you had clothes here, hung up, something he was rather proud of, but everything but a couple R.A.D. uniforms were gone. Earlier that day, he'd instructed his staff to wash all your laundry, clean or not, with a new detergent that the both of you quickly fell in love with at the store. It had become both of yours, in a way, and he went feral over the idea of the brothers constantly being reminded of him even when he wasn't around through you.

"Do you want to go back to the party?" He leant out of his closet to yell to you.

"Depends. Anyone important down there?" You responded through the shut bathroom door.

"Not really. Lord Diavolo couldn't make it tonight." He already knew what you were going to say in responce.

"Then we can just get ready for bed. My RAD bag is in here somewhere, so I don't technically have to go home. If you'll let me stay, that is." He heard you laugh through the door. He chortled to himself at that too. You didn't even need to ask anymore. You slept in his bed with him, for crying out loud. You even had your own D.D.D. charger for his house at his side table, right next to his.

"Are you alright with wearing my pajamas to bed? Yours are in the wash." He riffled through his wardrobe to find a very nice pair for you. He eventually settled on one of his sets of black silk pajamas. He wasn't sure if the pants would fit you, but at least you'd have a shirt.

"You know me." You extended your hand through the cracked bathroom door, to which he tossed the clothes into your open hand. You caught them, and snapped the door shut again to put them on. "Mephi, the pants are a little big." He heard you say through the door. Just as he thought. He'd never actually seen you in a set of his clothes before, so he silently prepared himself to feast his eyes. Despite this, he was not ready for you when you stepped in from the bathroom. The blank pants were draped over your arms, and the black button up top fell to your mid thigh. "Just hang these back up. No use in trying that." You put them back into his hands, and threw yourself down onto his bed. He did as you asked, and sat next to you.

"Are your other clothes still in the bathroom?" He studied your side profile.

"Yeah, on the counter." You answered his questions.

"I'll be right back. I'll give those to one of my staff, who'll get the stain out and get it looking brand new." He moved to get back up, but was stopped by your hand reaching out to him.

"Not yet. Let me enjoy a little time with you first." You whined. He couldn't help but chuckle.

"I'll be quick." He moved to get up again, but this time, you got up before him and pushed him back down onto the bed. You straddled him, hands on both of his shoulders, pressing him into his bed.

"You've got no choice now." You triumphally smirked down at him. He knew he could easily get up, but he knew he wouldn't. You knew that too.

"Mc..." He was rather amused, but he couldn't stop from thinking about his feelings for you. Most of his confidence went out the window with that thought.

"I win." With that, you draped yourself over him fully, and Mephisto basked in your attention. As he thought more, while he really didn't want to, his heart told him now would be a great time to tell you how he felt. With the thought of now or never echoing in his brain, he opened his mouth again.

"Mc, I have a confession." He was nervous, more than he'd ever been. But, he was too deep in now to back out.

"Hmm?" You didn't sit up, and remained with your head on his chest.

"I think I'm in love with you." For someone usually so eloquent with his words, these were raw. Thankfully, they seemed to strike a chord with you. You perked up. He studied your face closely for any sort of negative reaction, but none came.

"Can I kiss you?" He was almost stunned by your reciprocation. He wasn't quite sure exactly how you felt yet, but that could wait until after his kiss.

"You may." Spilling that drink on you may have been the second best choice he ever made, the first being deciding to write about you to begin with. He was one lucky demon.

(end was a little rushed cause i'm sleepy haha)

[nctinfo]

[TRANS] Chenle & Jisung’s interview with ELLE June 2020 issue!

It's the first time for Chenle and Jisung to do a magazine shoot together. Both of you seemed to have given your fans spoilers ahead of the shoot. Jisung: Really, the time went by so fast. Rather than a shoot, it felt more like I was just playing around with Chenle. Chenle: <ELLE> is a magazine known by many people. I've known it since long-ago too. So I was even more excited about the shoot. Jisung: Me too! Ah, but how old is <ELLE>? 28th anniversary this year? Wow...

We are much older than you two, aren't we? Is this year your 5th summer together? Jisung: We've known each other since 2016, so yes, that's right. Chenle: We should stop seeing each other (laughs).

Although you get along as friends [same-aged friends], Chenle is in fact born in November 2001. He is one year older than Jisung who was born in February 2002. What was the reason to become friends [to drop formalities]? Chenle: Our birthdays are only two and a half months apart, and since we get along so well, I felt like there was no need for formalities [a hyung/dongsaeng relationship]. Of course, I regret having made that decision now. I mean it. (laughs). Jisung: I jokingly said, "Can't we just be friends?" but he took it seriously. Thanks to this, we can now comfortably talk with each other like this. Chenle: It's definitely more comfortable. In Shanghai, where I grew up, we don't mind much if there's a one or two year difference. And since the NCT team has a lot of members from overseas, the atmosphere is a bit more open. 

Still, it must have felt weird to see your friend Chenle become a legal adult a year earlier than you. Jisung: I've seen the older members of NCT DREAM become adults one after another so I felt relatively indifferent. It's not like people suddenly change when they turn 20 years old. But, since we all debuted as teenagers, it is kinda weird that I'm the only minor left now.

How did the YouTube content 'ChenJi's This and That', that you two do together, start? Jisung calls it 'JiChen's That and This'. Jisung: Thank you for acknowledging it (laughs). It started from the thought that it would be great to make content that uses the advantage of us two who are like real friends. We make gifts for the members, stack dominoes, and also make menus that are popular on SNS Chenle: Although we also bring up ideas here and there, the staff ideas are always more fun. Ah, it was our idea to visit my home in Shanghai.

Chenle went to a lot of rides alone at the amusement park right. Chenle: He says he is too scared to go on rides that are hard, but thinks rides that are easy are lame. Isn't it really funny? Jisung: The easy ones don't look cool (laughs).

You just finished the promotions of your 4th mini album <Reload>. You have achieved many good results such as ranking first in the domestic music chart and music shows, ranking first on iTunes in 51 countries, and selling over 500k albums. How do you feel looking back? Jisung: I always have regrets whenever we finish promotions. Even though I have worked hard and had fun, when I look back, I feel like I could do better? Chenle: I'm completely the opposite. When the album promotions finish, I think 'It was really fun this time again, I'm satisfied!' I think especially for 'Ridin'' the stage was very exciting, and it was even better because I had fun with the members.

'Beyond Live', a live-streamed concert and video call fan signings are promotions that were not imaginable last year. Jisung: I'm glad that we can do something, but it's a shame we can't meet the fans in person. Chenle: It was a new and very exciting experience. Although it was through a video, you could clearly hear the voices and see the faces of the fans like this.

You also performed solo stages on ‘Beyond Live’ Chenle: I prepared our song 'Best Friend' on the piano, but the staff made the stage really cool. On the stage the moon was floating over the sea, it was very pretty and I'm really grateful and satisfied Jisung: I danced but I don't think it was to the extent of 'Awesome~ I did a great job!'.

With you two being the youngest out of NCT’s teenage team NCT DREAM, your growth is bound to be the most impactful. You must be surprised when you watch videos of when you just debuted. Chenle: Actually, as soon as we met today, Jisung had watched an old video of mine and said 'You were so cute back then but why are you like this now?'. Jisung: It was videos of him during promotion interviews for our debut song 'Chewing Gum' and 'My First and Last', and he was so cute. It was also when Chenle hadn't been in Korea for that long yet so he was still bad at speaking. Chenle: I couldn't watch the videos at that time. Still, when I look at the other members, I think everyone was so young and cute.

I heard that Jisung played a significant role in the fast improvement of Chenle's Korean. Jisung: Yes I was Chenle: I admit he helped. Although it's a problem that my weird Korean skills are also improving (laughs).

You have done TV shows and stood on stages before debuting at 15 and 16 years old. When did you feel like this is something you're good at and wanted to do something music-related? Chenle: I love to sing, so I released my first album when I was 7 years old. However, at that time, I thought it was a hobby and an experience rather than thinking of wanting to be a singer. After coming to Korea, I knew for certain that this was the path I wanted to take. Jisung: Rather than realizing it at some point, I think the expression 'right now' is right. While watching sunbaes at SM, my desire to be like that grew and I've come here doing what I wanted to do.

For broadcasts or special stages, Jisung has danced with the hyungs of SM's 'Dance Line' such as Super Junior Eunhyuck, SHINee Taemin, and EXO Kai. Jisung: They are really good at dancing and have a lot of experience on stage so it's really helpful when they watch me dance and talk to me [about it]. It felt like I was taking years of dance lessons all at once. Chenle: For me, I learn quickly thanks to Jisung. These days, Jisung is working hard on learning how to sing so I try to help a little too. I would say things like "I think this would be better?'. Jisung: Don't you tease me when I sing though. Chenle: Me? No, not me.

What song would you like to perform if you were to do an NCT stage together? Chenle: Since there are two of us, how about NCT U's 'Baby Don't Stop'? that Taeyong and Ten hyung did together. Jisung: Uhm, that's kind of a sexy song, don't you think we should do that in a few years? For me, I would like to do NCT U's 'Without You'. I think it's a good song to sing for us together.

NCT DREAM members have often said they still lack the skills and think they can do better. Where does that ambition come from? Chenle: There are times when I feel like I'm not good enough when I watch a video clip [of myself]. Other people might not see a big difference, but I do. In that case, I really concentrate and work hard. Jisung: I think everyone has that kind of desire because we debuted at a young age. When I watch the stage of the sunbaes, I feel like that even more.

How does it feel to be the youngest in a big group called NCT? Chenle: It's so good! Originally, I'm the type to prefer when it’s crowded. It's also fun to chat and play together when we practice. Jisung: I don't have a lot of friends from school. [NCT] is like a replacement for those relationships so I feel reassured. It feels like I have a bunch of people or hyungs who are close to me. Though the dinner costs are enormous (laughs).

What's the reason that two people with different personalities can be good friends and teammates? Jisung: Oh, now that I think about it it's really interesting. We're really the opposite Chenle: I think we get along so well because we are so different. The thing we have in common the most is that we like to play around with each other? And we're the noisiest. My voice is loud and Jisung talks a lot. A while ago he was talking to himself in the car while watching the night view. It's really funny to see it from the side Jisung: If you say it like that it makes me seem kinda weird, doesn't it? (laughs) I love to fantasize. What would I say if I were to go on a program like that? I think I was playing around while thinking about those kinds of things.

Are there any aspects of your friend that you want to be more known? Jisung: There are a lot of people who think of Chenle as a bright mischievous boy with a lot of laughter, but he also has a lot of serious conversations with me. He also has a lot of ambition. Unlike the introverted me, he is cool and outgoing so I learn a lot of things through Chenle. He is much cooler than he looks. Chenle: I'm a chic person (laughs). Jisung is the type of person who worries a lot about himself, and he is also evenly worried about the members' concerns. After taking care of this and that he proudly says 'Ah, why do I look like a leader'.

There are many adults and role models around you. Since you achieved your dream of debuting early, you must be worried about growing up well. Chenle: Instead of following someone with the burden of having to grow, I want to grow up naturally while keeping what I want to protect. I can learn good things and keep regretful things to consult, but I think my own standards are important. Jisung: When I first made my debut, I wanted to be a good adult and a good influence, and I still feel the same now. Sometimes I feel sorry for someone's behavior or words, but I don’t think that anyone can be perfect. Regardless, I try to absorb the good and positive aspects only.

When do you feel like you've grown? Jisung: When I have serious conversations with Chenle and the hyungs. The spectrum of the conversations has widened. I also think I have grown when I'm able to objectively look at myself without being too biased. Chenle: When you're going through puberty, you don't know that you're going through puberty. If you think you're grown up, I think it's because you're still young. I think you've grown up when you can admit to your shortcomings and immaturity.

How will the summer be for you this time? Chenle: First of all, Jisung will have 6 ice creams all at once. Jisung: (Back then) I had them throughout the day!

Translation: Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: ELLE Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

[godess-ofthe-underworld]

Love Finds A Way (sequel to See You Again) {A Harry Hook x Reader story}

Part 3

At 6 o'clock Hadley rushed her way from the  art room to Evie's dorm.  She was late to help with Chad. She busted into the room seeing Chad already standing on the pedestal, adorned with his royal blue and fake fur cape.

“I'm so sorry Evie! We ran late with art club.” She said as she dumped her books on the bed and went to stand by Evie who was pinning fake fur around the edge of the cape. “ What can I do?” 

“ can you pin the rest of the fur around the bottom?” Evie smiled

“ Of course!” Hadley skipped to the table, said hi to Doug and grabbed a pin cushion.  She crouched down behind chad and started to pin.

Chad would not stop moving as he danced around on the pedestal.  Hadley began to grow frustrated as the pinning was taking longer than it should have.  Evie could tell her friend was getting upset and tried to get Chad to settle down.

“What about peacock feathers? Yeah I bet you know one is gonna have those at cotillion.” Chad exaggerated.

“Chad!” Evie gained his attention and he finally stood still long enough for Hadley to be able to stand up and finish pinning up the sides. “ When I look at you, all I can think of is… king!” Chad gasped and Hadley had to hide her snicker with the pins she was holding between her teeth.

“And fake fur.. fake fur says it all!”  Evie gestured to the cape.

“ Loud and clear!” Doug deadpanned causing Hadley to giggle harder.  

Just as Hadley pinned the last inch of fur to the top of the cape Jay appeared in the door way calling for Chad.

“Why did Coach make him Capitan instead of me?” Chad questioned. “ I'm obviously better.” He paused before saying “ King Chad though. I do rather like that. You know who else would like that?” 

“Who?” Hadley mumbled through the pins in her mouth.

“Audrey.” He choked. 

“She would” Evie smiled.  

He sniffled as Jay called for him again.

He hopped down off the pedestal and before he could get out of arm's reach, Hadley plucked the cape from his shoulders.

The three chuckled as Chad left with Jay.

“Someone is clearly having some trouble dealing with his break up with Audrey.” Hadley chucked as she sat down at the sewing machine to start attaching the fur.

“I've been doing the numbers and after we collect from all the girls for their gowns and Chad's cape…” Doug stopped typing and showed Evie the screen.  Her eyes widened.

“Hadley you need to see this!”

When Hadley saw the number on the screen she let out a short screech.

 “No wonder people work!” 

“What are we going to do with all this money?” Evie looked to Hadley who shrugged.

“Well, I think in the next few years, you'll be able to afford that castle you always wanted.” Doug laughed.

“Just as long as it has a best friend wing!” Hadley laughed as she went back to sewing.  

Just across the ocean on a small island a boy of seventeen clad in a red leather overcoat, white ripped up t-shirt, black pants, pirate hat and wielding a silver hook; strolled through the streets.  Some people ran as he neared them and others just watched and glared as he took something only to toss it to the side not a moment later.  Harry Hook, son of Capitan Hook, whistled as he made his way through the Isle, looting as he went.  He sauntered his way down the wooden planks of the worn out dock leading to Ursula's Fish and Chips.

  He stopped outside as a girl in a tattered dress sat on the edge of the docs by the door fishing.  Using his hook he picked up a string of three dead fish glaring at the girl who shrunk away from his icy gaze.  Harry slammed the saloon doors open, making the crash loudly against the wall, and placed his sword in the 'sword check’ barrel.  As he made his way towards the back of the shop he threw the fish at a passing waitress who looked after him in disgust.  He threw a crew member out of his way as he jumped over the long table reserved only for Uma's crew.

Speaking of Uma, she came out of the back clad in a dirty apron and her pirate gear carrying a silver tray lined with “food”.  Harry flicked the small TV on behind the table as Uma dropped the tray in front of him.

Uma growled as the screen showed Mal being interviewed from that morning.  

She picked up a pile of mush from Harry's tray and threw it at the TV.  

“Poser” she sneered, shaking her hand of the mess.

“Traitor!” Harry yelled leaning against the table watching the screen.

When no one reacted, Uma grew agitated .

“Hello?!”

After that, everyone lining the long table threw something at the screen, some missing and causing Harry to duck away before it could hit his head.

“What I wouldn't give to wipe the smiles off their faces. You know what I mean?” Harry announced as he wiped sludge off the screen with his finger.  

Uma turned to Gil, son of Gaston, the only person who hadn't thrown anything and glared at him.

“Gil!” He jumped when Uma yelled in his ear. “ You wanna quit choking down yolks and get with the program?!”

Gil swallowed his mouth full of food “ yeah. What they said.” 

Uma huffed out a laugh “ that little traitor. Who left us in the dirt” 

“Who turned her back on evil.” Harry added.

“ Who said you weren't big or bad enough to be in her gang.” Gill added getting more food from the serving window.

Both Harry and Uma stopped what they were doing to glare at the blonde haired boy.

The whole crew looked stunned as Gil brought up the reason for a long lasting feud between Mal and Uma.  

“Back when we were kids.  Come on you guys remember, she called her shrimpy and the name just kind of…” 

Uma held Harry back as he was about to lunge at Gil.

“Stuck.”

Uma rolled her eyes as Gil shrunk back and turned back to Harry.

“ That snooty little witch. Who grabbed everything she wanted and left me with nothing”

“ No. She left you that sand box and then she said that you could have the shrimp…” 

“I'm gonna need you to stop talking!” Uma shouted slamming her fist on the table, interrupting Gil again.

“Look, we have her turf now.  They can stay in Bore-adon…” Harry pointed at the TV.

“Harry, that's her turf now! And I want it, too. We should not be getting her leftovers.” U a growled. “Son of Hook, Son of Gaston, and me, most of all, daughter of Ursula.  What's my name?”  Uma turned to Harry.

Harry pulled the hat off his head and kneeled down and whispered “Uma.” 

“What's my name?” She turned to Gil. 

He choked down the mouthful of food and mumbled “Uma?”

(Uma)

This is all hands on deck

Calling out to lost boys and girls

I'm gettin' tired of the disrespect

We won't stop 'til we rule the world

It's our time, we up next! (next, next)

Our sail's about to be set (set, set)

They ain't seen nothing yet!

Tell 'em who's in charge

So they don't forget

What's my name?

What's my name? (Uma)

Say it louder!

What's my name?

What's my name? (Uma)

Feel the power!

No one's gonna stop us

Soon the world will be ours

What's my name?

What's my name?

What's it! What's it!

Say it loud!

(Uuuuuuma, Uuuuuuma)

All eyes on me, let me see 'em

(Uuuuuuma, Uuuuuuma)

What's it! What's it!

Say it! Say it!

(Uma-ah-ah-ah!)

(Uma, Uma, la la Um-)

(Uma, Uma, la la Uma)

(Uma, Uma, la la Um-)

(Uma, Uma, la la Uma)

Uma!

I'm the queen of this town

I call the shots, you know who I am

I don't need to wear no fake crown

Stand up to me, you don't stand a chance

It's our time, we up next! (next, next)

My crew's as real as it gets (gets, gets)

The worst is now the best

And leaving us here

Will be their last regret

What's my name?

What's my name? (Uma)

Say it louder!

What's my name?

What's my name? (Uma)

Feel the power!

No one's gonna stop us

Soon the world will be ours

What's my name?

What's my name?

What's it! What's it!

Say it! Say it!

[Harry]

You know what they say

Bad girls have all the fun

Never learned how to count

Cause I'm number one

Ready here we come

We always get our way

It's a pirate's life, every single day (Hey!)

She's the captain, I'm the first mate

Enemies seasick can't see straight

Call 'em fish bait, throw 'em on a hook

Uma's so hot they get burned if they look

(Uma)

It's all eyes on me, let me see 'em

I see your eyes on me boys, hey!

You know what my name is

Say it, say it louder!

Hook me!

(Ha, ha!)

Ho! Woah!

Come on!

What's my name?

What's my name? (Uma)

Say it louder!

What's my name?

What's my name? (Uma)

Feel the power!

No one's gonna stop us

Soon the world will be ours

What's my name?

What's my name?

(Uuuuuuma, Uuuuuuma)

All eyes on me, let me see 'em

(Uuuuuuma, Uuuuuuma)

What's it!, what's it!

Say it! Say it!

(Uuuuuuma, Uuuuuuma)

Ooh, say it louder!

(Uuuuuuma, Uuuuuuma)

Ooh, say it louder!

What's it! What's it!

Say it! Say it!

(Uma, Uma, la la Um-)

(Uma, Uma, la la Uma)

(Uma, Uma, la la Um-)

(Uma, Uma, la la Uma)

(Uma, Uma, la la Um-)

(Uma, Uma, la la Uma)

(Uma, Uma, la la Um-)

(Uma, Uma, la la Uma)

Uma!

 Uma stood up from her throne on the table.  As she walked across the table laughing with the rest of the crew, a large purple and black tentacle  snapped at them from the back of the restaurant causing them all to duck and scream.

“Shut your clams!” Ursula's voice sounded through the small space.

“Mom!”

“These dishes ain't gonna wash themselves.” Ursula ignored her daughter and retreated the long tentacle back.

“It's fine. It's fine.  Because when I get my chance to rain down the evil on Auradon, I will take it!  They're gonna forget that girl. And remember the name…” 

“Shrimpy!” Gil shouted and slammed his fists on the table.

Uma looked to Harry who nodded his head and escorted Gil from the shop.  

When Harry walked back in the TV was still running, showing Mal from that morning, only now there was a girl blocking Mal from the camera.  Harry stopped and let a long breath out as he stared at Hadley, her hair on fire like the rest of her.  

“Miss you everyday, haddie”

 He shut the TV off and went to resume his rounds around the isle.

Summary: You would think that six months in Auradon would do any villain kid good.  Well, not Hadley.  After the events of the Coronation, Hadley's mood took a downward spiral; and for one reason, guilt.  She'd broken a promise and left her best friend on the Isle of the Lost.  How will she handle seeing him again when certain circumstances bring her back to the Isle? Will she finally tell him what she really feels?  

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Descendants.  Hadley and the plot between her and Harry are mine. 

Tag list: @unded-bride  

WOOOOO! Part 3!!!  hope you enjoyed this part please like and comment for part 4. As always you can read the illustrated version over on my Wattpad (@phelpsphan)!  please message me if you would like to be added to the tag list!

[pikapeppa]

Professor Solas/Lavellan: First Impressions

Chap 1 of Inadvisable (professor Solas AU) is posted! In which Nare Lavellan has a chance run-in, literally. 

Beautiful art by Nare’s creator, @elbenherzart​!

~2400 words; read on AO3 instead.

- NARE -

Nare swept her hair into a tidy ponytail, then gave her face one last critical look before stepping out of her bedroom. She tapped lightly on the closed bedroom door across from her own. “Tamaris?” she called. “Are you–”

“I’m coming,” Tamaris grunted. “Give me two fucking minutes.”

Nare smirked at Tamaris’s customary early-morning surliness, then padded quietly down the hall to the living room. Athera was waiting pertly on the couch with a half-finished cup of tea in her hands, and she grinned at Nare as she approached. 

“She’s awake, at least?” Athera asked.

“Awake enough,” Nare said drolly. She sat next to Athera and tucked her legs up on the couch. “Are you nervous about your first day?”

Athera laughed. “Me? Nervous? Of course not! Just a normal first day doing this job for the first time in the only Ancient Elvhen Studies program in the entire country. What’s to be nervous about?”

Nare sympathetically eyed her friend’s bright smile. She didn’t blame Athera for being nervous. Athera had been looking for a research coordinator position for years. Her new job at the University of Orlais was well-earned, in Nare’s opinion, and it was just a stroke of happy fortune that Athera was starting her job at the same time that Nare was starting her Master’s of fine arts with U of O’s prestigious — and infamous — Ancient Elvhen Studies program. 

It was also serendipitous that Tamaris had decided she wanted a change of pace and place, resulting in the three girls splitting the rent on a cozy three-bedroom-plus-studio apartment close to the university.

“Don’t be nervous,” Nare said warmly. “It’s going to be great! By the end of the week, the director will be wondering how they lived without you making the whole lab twice as efficient.”

Athera grimaced and ran a hand through her hair long chestnut hair. “I don’t know. Professor Abelas did not sound that impressed with my lack of experience during the phone interview. I’m still surprised I got the job.”

“He probably thinks he can train you up fresh since you’re so-called ‘inexperienced’,” Nare said knowingly. “He’ll see how good you are in two seconds. I’m sure of it.”

Athera smiled at her. “Aw, you’re sweet. I bet you’re going to impress your new supervisor just as much when you meet with him tomorrow.”

“I hope so,” Nare said. But her belly jolted at the mention of Solas. 

Professor Solas, she reminded herself. Just because she had a crush on her new supervisor’s voice didn’t mean she could start thinking of him in an informal way before they’d even met. 

Oh, but he had such a gorgeous voice. The majority of her communication with Professor Solas had been via email, but the one time they’d spoken on the phone… Fenedhis, Nare couldn’t get it out of her mind. His voice was smooth and mild like a hot vanilla latte, with a curl of an Elvhen accent that made something shiver in her belly in a very visceral way. She was still surprised that she’d managed to keep her calm and sound like a reasonable and intelligent person after hearing Professor Solas’s first few words floating into her ear through the phone. 

And that was just from hearing him talk about the Elvhen art stream of the program and the opportunities for exhibiting her work in the galleries in Val Royeaux. Imagine if he ever spoke to her in that beautiful smooth voice about other, less professional things… 

Stop it, she scolded herself silently. She was being so stupid and horny, developing a crush on a man purely for his voice. Well, not just his voice: he was incredibly intelligent and knowledgeable, and strong-willed to the point of stubborn as well, if his academic position papers were anything to go by. But if Nare was being honest, his intelligence wasn’t the main thing that had been keeping her up at night for the past couple of months since she and Solas had last spoken on the phone. 

It was stupid to be thinking such carnal things about his voice, though. She didn’t even know what he looked like — not for a lack of trying to find out, if she was perfectly honest. She’d searched online for a photo of her soon-to-be supervisor, but he didn’t have a faculty photo anywhere on the U of O website, and a Google search had been shockingly unhelpful, leaving Nare with only a blank slate to imagine along with that knicker-melting voice. 

“Nare, you okay?” Athera said.

Nare jolted slightly, then smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. Just thinking.”

Athera gave her a shrewd look. “Something tells me I’m not the only one who’s nervous.”

“I thought you weren’t nervous,” Nare teased.

Athera grinned, but Tamaris’s grumpy voice interrupted before Athera could reply. “You guys have nothing to be nervous about. You’re going to impress the shit out of everyone. Now let’s go get some coffee already.” She wandered over to the door and started jamming her feet into her scuffed black motorcycle boots. 

Nare exchanged a smirk with Athera, then popped up from the couch. “Good morning, lethallan,” she crooned. 

Athera giggled and hugged Tamaris’s arm. “Good morning,” she sing-songed.

Tamaris groaned. “Fuck off, both of you. I’m only awake this early because I have a client in an hour.” 

“Wait, is it already nine?” Athera said in alarm. She checked her watch, then squeaked. “Oh shoot! Oh shoot, I’m supposed to meet Abelas at the office in fifteen minutes!” She shoved her feet onto a pair of flats and grabbed her bag, then flung open the door. “Bye! Have a good one!” she yelled, and she bolted down the stairs. 

Nare smiled at Tamaris. “Looks like it’s just you and me.”

“Lucky you,” Tamaris drawled. “You get to suffer my morning-gremlin attitude all alone.”

Nare chuckled, and they made their way down the stairs at a more measured pace and wandered toward their favourite café at the end of the block. 

It was a perfect crisp early-September day. The sun was a lovely warm wash of light, and the air was fresh and cool without being cold. The leaves hadn’t started changing colours yet, but the quality of their verdancy was starting to shift from the lush springlike undertones of blue to the more autumn-like undertones of yellow. When Nare pointed this out to Tamaris, Tamaris huffed in amusement.

“That’s such an artist-y thing to say,” she said. 

Nare gave her a chiding look. “You say that like you aren’t an artist yourself.” She pointedly eyed the delicate vallaslin that curled around Tamaris’s left eye — vallaslin that Tamaris had carefully tapped into her own skin, and the same skills which had imbued Nare and Athera with their vallaslin as well.

“I don’t often work with colour, though,” Tamaris said. 

“Isn’t your client this morning for a coloured tattoo?”

“Yeah, but that’s different than painting,” Tamaris pointed out. 

“Your tattoo work is amazing, though,” Nare said.

Tamaris smirked. “Fine. We’re both amazing artists with mind-blowing skills. Are you going to buy my coffee for me because I’m so awesome?”

“I’m the student here,” Nare said with a grin. “You should be buying me coffee.”

Tamaris tsked. “Fine. Just this once though, you leech.” She pulled open the café door and gestured sarcastically for Nare to enter before her.

Nare chuckled and slid into the café. They placed their orders together, then sat at a sunny table to enjoy their coffee and fresh scones — vegan blueberry for Nare, and lemon-glazed for Tamaris. 

Nare took the lid off of her cup and blew on her coffee. “So you’re coming to the start-of-year mixer tonight, right?”

Tamaris slumped in her seat and shoved a hand through her lush midnight curls. “Explain again why you want me to come to this mixer thing. I’m not a student.”

“It doesn’t matter that you’re not a student,” Nare said. In truth, she just wanted to get Tamaris out of the apartment before she started forming roots.

“It kind of does,” Tamaris said flatly. “It’s happening at the campus bar.”

“Lots of non-students go to the campus bar,” Nare pointed out. “It’s a nice bar.”

Tamaris grunted. Nare leaned toward her slightly. “Come on, Tam,” she wheedled. “Come to the mixer. Athera’s coming.”

“She works at the university now,” Tamaris pointed out. “It makes sense for her to go.”

Nare wilted. “What else are you going to do if you stay home?”

Tamaris’s reply was prompt. “I’ll rewatch The Archdemon Rises 3 for the fifth time and paint my nails.”

Nare declined to mention that Tamaris’s eggplant-purple manicure was still intact since she’d last done her nails two days ago. Instead, she widened her eyes pleadingly. “Please come? We’ll make a girls’ night of it. It’ll be fun, I promise.” 

Tamaris eyed her stonily for a moment, then sighed. “Ugh, you and your baby blues. Fine, I’ll come.” 

Nare beamed at her and took a bite of her scone. A leisurely half-hour later, they stepped out of the café.

Tamaris stretched her arms over her head. “All right, I’m headed home,” she said with a yawn. “You sure you don’t want to wait until tomorrow so we can go to that museum exhibit together?”

Nare shook her head. “I want to see it before my meeting with my supervisor tomorrow.”

Tamaris smirked. “Hoping to impress him with your up-to-date knowledge of the local art scene, huh?”

Nare poked her playfully. “Yes, okay? I want to make a good first impression.”

“You’ll be fine,” Tamaris said. “You always make a good first impression.”

Tamaris’s tone was dry, and Nare gazed fondly at her seemingly standoffish friend. “Thanks,” she said sincerely. “I’ll see you later.” 

Tamaris nodded and headed back to the apartment, and Nare turned in the opposite direction toward the modern art museum. She pulled her phone out of her purse and tapped open her browser to check the price of tickets for the special neo-Avvar exhibit; she was fairly sure she’d get a discounted admission with her student ID, but some of the museum’s special exhibits were even free for students, and Nare couldn’t remember if— 

She suddenly slammed right into someone. 

She stumbled back, then squeaked in alarm as she tripped over an uneven crack in the sidewalk. Her phone dropped from her fingers, and she grabbed for it even as she tried to find her footing, oh no oh shit she was going to fall down–

A strong pair of hands grabbed her arms, and Nare gasped as she regained her balance. “Shit,” she blurted. “I’m so sorry, I – my phone, I was distracted…”

“The fault is mine. I apologize.” 

A heated ripple of recognition spilled down her spine. That voice. She knew that voice. She’d been replaying that voice in her head for months and wondering what the person who owned that voice looked like: how tall he was, how big his hands were, what his lips looked like shaped around the liquids vowels of that divine Arlathani accent… 

Lightheaded with disbelief, her heart in her throat, Nare lifted her eyes to his face.

Her breath left her in a punch of shock. Gorgeous. He was gorgeous. An impeccably shaven head, a mere hint of crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes which put him somewhere in his late 30s or early 40s, lush lips with a perfect cupid’s bow, a delicate divot in his chin and a jawline sharp enough to cut, and his eyes… 

His eyes were perfectly lucid, a perfect quixotic blend of light grey and pale blue that Nare couldn’t quite name, and they were so warm. His eyebrows were creased with a hint of concern, and when the crease in his brow deepened, she realized that she was staring.

“Are you all right?” Professor Solas said. 

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Which was a good thing, because the only words Nare could think were you are fucking hot.

She nodded dumbly. A tiny hint of a smile curled the left corner of his lips, and he released her arms. “I apologize for the collision,” he said, and he crouched down to pick up his book and her phone. “I should know better than to read and walk at the same time.” 

Nare watched stupidly as he rose to his full height. Fenedhis, he was tall.

He held out her phone, and Nare carefully studied his face. There was no recognition there. There was warmth in his handsome face, but no recognition. He didn’t know who she was. 

Not that she would necessarily expect him to, since he was a professional and an intellectual, and professional intellectuals probably didn’t online-stalk their new grad students to find out what they looked like. 

She took her phone with trembling fingers and swallowed hard. “Thank you,” she whispered. 

“You’re welcome,” he said. “You are not hurt, I hope?” 

Ugh, he was so good-looking. Why did her supervisor have to be her exact ideal physical type?

She dropped his gaze and tucked a stray strand of hair over her ear. “I — no. I’m fine,” she said in a tiny voice. 

“Good,” he said. “And again, I apologize for the collision.” 

She shrugged and tried to nod at the same time, then wanted to smack herself for being so fucking awkward.

“Take care,” he said. A moment later, he was walking away from her. 

She finally dragged in a breath and watched greedily as Professor Solas walked away. For someone who had such a mild voice and such kind eyes, his gait was certainly confident. 

Confident and sexy. 

Nare blew out a breath and forced herself to turn away. She was shaking. Why was she shaking? Why was her heart beating so hard, not just in her chest but in her entire body? 

Why was her mind completely taken over by the thought of Professor Solas stretching her naked body out on a desk, those warm grey-blue eyes scanning her from head to toe before he taught her all kinds of torrid lessons that she would never forget? 

Fuck, she thought desperately. I am in so much trouble.

[propertyofwicked]

Could you do an a-z for dating dean please? I loved tom’s! 😍

i really enjoy writing these :) ive got a george one requested so i will be doing that later. hope you enjoy this one anon :)

a - argue

like the mature adults you guys are, any argument results in silent treatment till one of you realises your fault and apologises. sometimes it takes other people to point out your mistakes, but in the end you would talk it out, make compromises and understand your differences. a little goes along way with you and dean.

b - body (his favourite body part of yours)

dean likes your hands. he likes how they move to cup his face when you kiss, he likes how your fingers move effortlessly across your keyboard when you’re typing, he likes how they wrap around things ;) he likes how they fit perfectly in his and he likes how they run over the surface of his back.

c - care (caring for each other when you’re sick)

you both spend a lot of time away from each other, as he is away filming a lot and you are at uni or doing coursework. when you do get to spend time together and it happens that someone is ill, you’re still going to spend as much time together as physically possible. you’ll spend the day in bed, wrapped up warm. If you’re ill, dean wants to treat you like a queen. under no circumstances are you to leave the bed, unless it’s for the toilet, and even then, he keeps an eye on you to make sure you don’t pass out on the way. he’ll cook you food and bring you painkillers as often as needed. when he’s ill, you’ll do mostly the same, perhaps try and move him to the sofa or go for a walk for some fresh air.

d - dates (what do you guys do?)

to the start of your relationship, dean preferred to take you on high key fancy restaurants, but once you were comfortable settled together you’d go on cafe dates in-between lectures or just stay home and watch movies with some takeaway food.

e - engagements (how he proposed) 

dean had taken you to venice for your birthday, and spent the entire week spoiling you,as he usually would much to your protests. on the last night before you flew home, you went for dinner and on the way home, he took you to a cute little bridge, tucked away from the main town. whilst you were distracted by the stars appearing in the orange sky, he got down on one near and called out your name to gain your attention.

f - friends and family (do they like you/him?)

his parents loved you. his mum and you often cooked together whenever you visited for dinner, or you and his dad would talk about politics or the football. His little sister liked having a female around that was closer to her age, you were more of her friend than her sister-in-law. your parents liked dean, he was the most respectable boy you’d ever dated and they could see how happy he made you. out of each of your friendship groups, you both were the longest to be single, so your friends were just happy to see you not crying over some failed fling.

g - gifts

as dean was away for filming a lot, he often wanted to remind you of how much he loved you by getting flowers delivered to your house and when he was done filming, he’d sometimes brought back bits of set or props that he thought you would like. being a broke student meant that sometimes the only gift you could send would be some lovely photos specially for him ;)

h - how you met

often, your uni would use it’s rooms to host interviews for press tours, or q&a halls. the uni offered pay for a group of people to set up the rooms and pack up at the end so you volunteered. tt was here you ran into george and dean as it was a 1917 q&a. they were lost so you helped direct them to the room they needed to be in. dean actively stalked you down after the interview and asked if you’d want to go for coffee with him and you hit it off from there.

i - intimacy (how often are yall getting down)

whenever, wherever. he’s down. the amount of time you spend apart just builds up your need to be together, so you grasp at any chance you can to be physically intimate with one another. it’s when you’re bored of a tv program, or he’s wearing a suit, you get the gist.

j - jealousy

you get fairly jealous as dean works around and with a lot of people you believe to be better, prettier, that yourself. as much as dean reassures you, you can’t help yourself from wondering if he’d ever leave you for one of the actress he work with. dean doesn’t tend to be massively jealous, but the more time he spends away from you, the more jealous he gets. he fears that you will find someone who can be in your life more permanently and physically than he can.

k - kinks

dean likes edging/control. he loves to see you struggle to contain your release until he says so, and he loves to take you beyond the point of pleasure till you’re literally begging to cum.

l - long distance

with dean working away so much, long distance gets hard. Sometimes he manages to come home for the weekend, but he could be gone for 3 months at a time. every night, you facetime or call each other whilst just going about your daily routine together, as if he was there. just hearing each others voices daily was enough to keep you going till you saw each other again.

m - moving in

there was never really a point where you moved in with him. your stuff just started manifesting it’s way into his house, to the extent you’d spend ages searching your room for it only to realise you’d left it at dean’s. once you were going into your second year at university, you’d been with dean for almost a year and he just kind of suggested that you live with him to avoiding massive bills for uni halls, but everyone knew it was a ploy to be able to spend more time with you.

n - nights out

as a student, nights out were key to social engagements. so, your group of uni friends and their partners would head out to a local pub and spend the evening chatting drinking or playing darts. you’d both stumble home at the early hours and wake up several hours later with a pounding hangover.

o - open with each other

whilst he was away, it was hard to be fully open with each other, knowing that anything bothering you would just upset each other further as you couldn’t be with each other at the time. once he was home, however, it was easy to spend hours wrapped up together talking about anything that was on your mind.

p - pda

neither of you are particularly into massive displays due to the public eye being on you more often than not, but a simple hand hold or peck didn’t go amiss. dean preferred to save all of his affection for home, where he could properly show you how much you meant to him.

q - questions (what you talk about late at night?)

let’s be honest, you would go into any massively deep conversation it’d be more along the lines of “how was your day? what did you do?  did I ever tell you about the time that...” but it was the small moment s like that that counted.

r - reproduction (do you want kids?)

not at this point in time, as it is the start of your careers and you’re both pretty young but you had discussed it a little. if it was to happen by surprise, you’d both embrace it but one day down the line you fully plan to have atleast a child if not more.

s - surprising (what surprised you about him)

the simplicity of his happiness. it doesn’t take much to make dean smile, or let out a little laugh but every time he did you feel a surge of happiness rush through yourself. to see him happy made you happy, so you’d strive to do that as much as humanly possible.

t - together (what you do together)

you guys like watching movies, which isnt surprising given the nature of deans job. you also like to spend quite a lot of time in the bedroom ;)

u - under the influence (drunk vibes)

it was rather common that you’d be out separately, you out with uni mates or him with co stars. drunk calls were the best, both of you becoming the funniest people alive whilst intoxicated. when he chose to stay home and you’d make you way back, fumbling to get the keys in the lock subsequently waking him up, he’d come to you and put you in bed. he’d make sure there was a glass of water and painkillers and a bowl near your head. you’d do the same, but drunk dean is flirty dean and whilst you were trying to change him into sleepable clothing, he’d make comments like “at least by me dinner first”

v - vacations

a lot of your holidays were spent on set with him, but sometimes you’d go abroad to malta or somewhere remote. you preferred quiet, adventure holidays than expensive beach holidays.

w - wedding

you had the cutest wedding ever. it was in this converted barn, with both your families and friends attending and the reception was basically a massive party in very fitting taste for you and dean.

x - xray (when he’s hurt)

dean injured himself on set of 1917, where he slipped down a trench and twisted his ankle fairly bad. because of it, he was sent home for two weeks to recuperate, where you literally tended to his every need. you brought him food, drink, medication and care to the point where he literally had to make you spend time on your other work rather than him for some time. normally it would just end in you falling asleep, cuddling on the sofa, in your living room.

y - you (a random headcanon) 

you’d had a long and bad day at uni, so you came home stressed out of your mind, muscled tensed and a pounding headache. the moment you stepped foot into the flat, you bag dropped to the floor and shoes kicked to the side, you walked into the living room where dean looked up at you and sent you a small smile. he noticed the fatigue in your eyes and posture, moving to pat his lap for you to sit on. You found your way onto his lap, legs wrapping around his waist as he moved to lay down. you hands moved under his back to hold him properly and one of his arms snaked around your waist, the other moving to brush a hand through your hair. his head lifted up slightly to press a kiss onto the top of your head.

“bad day?”

“very. but it’s slightly better now.”

“you’re very welcome babygirl”

z - zzzzzzzzzzzz’s (sleeping routine)

dean would be in bed before you every night without fail as you’d be sat doing coursework till late. but he always stayed awake till you made your way into the room and held out his arms for you to climb into and rest your head on his chest. his hands would go straight to your hair and brush through them softly, lulling you into a deep sleep that he too would fall into soon after you.

[iwaswritingmywayout]

BTMH: Chapter 7: Angry Russian

Music was playing in Minako’s ballet studio, Okukawa Minako Ballet, as Y/N was hunched over, one hand over her heart, the other on the barre.

“Maybe he just wanted an excuse to take a break,” Minako said, her arms crossed.

“Please, don’t say that. That’s what I suspect too, but…” Y/N said. She didn’t want to think about the fact that she truly could just be Seonghwa’s excuse to take a break from skating, and that when the season finished, he’d return to Russia and she’d be alone all over again. To be honest, that thought really scared her. She was finally close to Seonghwa, and she had a chance to end up with the guy she was interested in, even if it was very far away, and very small, but it was still a chance.

“You decided to keep skating, didn’t you? You need to take advantage of Seonghwa! Okay, let’s get you slimmed down!” Minako said before doing a twirl and lifting her leg into the air.

“O-okay,” Y/N said.

‘Minako is a ballet instructor. She used to travel the world as a dancer.’

Y/N was seen running up the steps to meet Seonghwa and Makkachin at the top. When she got there she had sweat on her face, and was breathing heavy. That had been her fifth time running up the stairs.

‘When I was younger, I spent more time in her ballet class than at home. I even started skating because Minako urged me to.’

Y/N was jumping up and down a wooden bench, as Seonghwa sat on the other side. The bench was surrounded by beautiful cherry blossoms, and it was a pleasant distraction during the exercise.

‘She always cheered me on, but she likes to meddle, too.’

Y/N jumped into a crouch on the bench before sitting down fully.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Seonghwa asked.

“No,” Y/N responded.

“Any ex-boyfriends?” Seonghwa asked.

“N-No comment.” Y/N stuttered out.

Seonghwa moved closer to her on the bench. She sweat dropped again. ‘Is he being flirty, or is this his personality? I really cannot tell anymore,’ Y/N thought to herself.

“Let’s talk about me! My first girlfriend was—” Seonghwa started before getting interrupted by Y/N.

“Stop!” Y/N said frantically, waving her arms.

Seonghwa put his head down in his arms and sighed, defeated. It was quiet for a bit until Makkachin decided to bark, which caused Y/N and Seonghwa to turn around.

“Y/N, what’s that castle over there?” Seonghwa asked.

“Oh, that’s Hasetsu Castle. Inside is ninja house,” Y/N said, the last sentence being said in English.

“Really? Ninjas?!” Seonghwa said in English.

Seonghwa rushed over to the castle, before handing his phone to Y/N so she could take a picture of him in front of the castle. He held Makkachin while holding up a peace sign.

“Hasetsu Castle! Let me see! Let me see!” Seonghwa said as Y/N handed him the phone.

“Who’s that good-looking foreigner?” A person said.

Seonghwa posted it onto social media. “Hashtag “#ninja”! Yes!”

Due to Seonghwa adding the location to his picture, it confirmed that Seonghwa really was becoming Y/N’s coach. Articles and twitter posts started to pop up, all featuring Seonghwa and Y/N.

Back in St. Petersburg, Jongho Plisetsky was on his phone, scrolling through social media. His cat, Putya (Puma Tiger Scorpion), was resting on his chest. He saw Seonghwa’s post pop up on his feed and he furrowed his brows, starting to get angry.

“Hasetsu Castle? Does he want to become a ninja or something? I finally found you. Just you wait, Seonghwa,” Jongho said.

Hiroko opened the front door of Yu-topia Katsuki, and Mari followed her. They were shocked to see several reporters crowding around the front door.

“Is it true that Seonghwa is here?” A reporter asked.

“Comment, please!” Another reporter said.

“Can we share a bath with him?” A stranger asked.

“It’s been a long time since we had so many customers,” Hiroko said, a small smile present on her face.

“Seonghwa’s here, right?” A reporter asked.

“Excuse me! We’d like to film a special feature!” Another reporter said.

“Wh-what the hell?” Takeshi said.

“I want to learn how to skate, too!” A stranger said.

“Me, too!” Another said.

“Oh…” Takeshi said.

Meanwhile at Ice Castle Hasetsu, Seonghwa enter with a bluish-gray sweatshirt and sweatpants.

“Oh my god! He’s super hot!” A stranger said.

“He’s really good-looking,” another said.

“C-can I take a photo with you?” Another asked.

“Please let us interview you!” A reporter said.

“Apparently Seonghwa’s at Ice Castle.” Someone said.

“Oh, wow!” Another person said.

Y/N had been exercising a lot, jogging, doing ballet, doing crunches, and carioca.

A week later, Jongho landed in Hasetsu.

“Wow, creepy!” Jongho said, before taking a picture of an ugly pig that he saw. “Crap, no! If I post this, Yakov will know I’m here!”

Jongho continued to walk, making his way though a market. “Seonghwa’s been uploading tons of pictures with this city tagged… Hey! Where’s Seonghwa?! Seonghwa!” He shouted. He continued to walk and he saw a black sweatshirt with a tiger wearing a bow-tie on it. “Wha- My god…” Jongho took his sunglasses off. “That’s awesome fashion!”

Jongho, being Jongho, had to purchase it, and then put it on right after. He couldn’t resist taking a photo and posting it on Instagram. A few moments later, he received a call from Yakov who saw it.

“Jongho! Why are you in Japan, too?!” Yakov shouted.

“Oops, you found out?” Jongho said. He held the phone away from his face as Yakov started to shout at him.

“You know how important this time before your senior debut is, right?!” Yakov said.

“I told you! I’m not coming back to Russia until Seonghwa makes good on his promise!” Jongho said, hanging up the phone. “That geezer’s such a nag! I have my own plan, okay?”

Jongho continues to walk, looking down as he drags his suitcase behind him, he smiled a little and looked up.

“Where am I? Seonghwa!” Jongho said.

This got the attention of an old man fishing at the side of the road. “Oh? Are you a fan of Seonghwa’s? There’s a skating rink below the castle. Try there,” the old man said, pointing down the road.

Back at Ice Castle, Axel, Lutz, and Loop held back a crowd of fans from entering Ice Castle.

“Come on, let us watch!” A fan said.

“It’s reserved, and it’s a private practice season! Go home!” The triplets said.

Jongho pushed past the crowd and the triplets, rolling his suitcase behind him.

“Hey, you can’t go in there!” Lutz said.

Jongho turned around and the triplet’s mouths dropped.

“Huh?” Jongho said.

“Jongho Plisetsky!” The triplets said.

“He’s the junior world champion,” a fan said.

“Seonghwa’s inside, isn’t he?” Jongho asked.

“Come in, come in,” The triplet’s said.

Meanwhile, Y/N jogged up the stairs, breathing heavily. When she finally made it to the top, she ran past axel, lutz, loop and jongho, slamming her arms against the door and letting out a sigh of relief.

“Finally here… I’m exhausted,” Y/N said, still breathing heavily.

“Y/N…” the triplets said.

Jongho stood where he was, trembling.

“Y/N…” the triplets said again.

“Hey, get this! My weight’s back to what it was before the Grand Prix Final!” Y/N said happily.

Axel, Lutz, and Loop were pointing to Jongho who stood behind him, but Y/N didn’t notice because she wasn’t facing him. Jongho was standing there, a dark shadow cast over his face.

Y/N clasped her hands together, smiling widely. “Now I’ll finally get Seonghwa’s permission to skate!”

As Y/N pushed the doors to Ice Castle open. Jongho basically yelled, before sending Y/N flying back with a hard, back roundhouse kick. Y/N bounced off her face, smacked into the front desk, and fell flat onto her back with her arms splayed out. Jongho then stepped on her face with a yellow-and-black tennis shoe.

“Ow!” Y/N shouted, very loudly.

Her shout was loud enough that it made Seonghwa stop skating. “What happened?” He asked, stepping out of the rink, putting his blade guards on, and walking to the front are.

Jongho continued to grind his shoe on Y/N’s face.

“It’s all your fault. Apologize!” Jongho said.

“U-Uh, sorry, sorry?” She said. ‘Why is he here? And why’s he furious at me?!’ She thought to herself.

The triplets decided to take pictures instead of helping her out.

“Hey, pig!” Jongho said.

At that point, Seonghwa had made it to where they were but Jongho didn’t realize it. Seonghwa crossed his arms and looked at Jongho in a disapproving way.

“Ow! That hurts! Stop!” Y/N said, starting to tear up. He was really hurting her. He was a lot stronger than her and he was stepping on her really hard.

Seonghwa felt very bad, he could tell she was in a lot of pain just from the way she spoke. Her voice kind of cracked, like someone does when they are trying not to cry.

“Fatso! Pig!” Jongho said.

“Jongho, take your foot off of her face,” Seonghwa said.

Jongho glared at Seonghwa. “Oh, so you can come to Japan to coach her, but when I get angry that she took you away I’m the bad guy?” Jongho said angrily.

Y/N was just sitting on the floor, not even sure what he was talking about. “What?” She asked.

“He promised me first that he’d choreograph a program for me. What about you?” Jongho said.

Y/N wasn’t even sure what was going on. She didn’t know how such a young man can contain so much anger.

Y/N put a hand on her face, wincing when she felt the part he rubbed his foot on. She knew she’d develop a bruise there. She always did bruise easily.

“Huh? We haven’t gotten to talking about programs or anything yet,” Y/N said.

“Huh?” Jongho said, stomping angrily. “You make him take a whole year off, and to do what?”

Jongho walked closer to her, and she walked back, holding her hands up.

“Isn’t getting him as a coach enough? As if a girl who sobbed in a hallway at the Grand Prix Final can change at all just be getting Seonghwa as a coach!” Jongho said, mocking Y/N.

Seonghwa was shocked. He had no clue her performance at the Final upset her so much that she cried. She must have been so disappointed in herself, especially after seeing everyone talk about whether she was going to retire or not. He shook his head before returning back to the ice rink, starting to skate the short program he was going to use that year.

“I don’t really get the whole picture, so you should ask him yourself,” Y/N said.

‘Seonghwa came all the way to Hasetsu because he wanted to. Just to become my coach,’ Y/N thought.

[spellcastersjudgement]

23 nd tutorship ^v^

i apologize in advance i know this is an ignorant length but i cant help myself with THE OTP i hope you enjoy it!!! thank u bigly for sending in this ask <3333

if yall are on mobile i apologize in advance sometimes the read more links dont work whoops :((((

#23: ‘take my jacket’

 Jaden loved to party and he wouldn’t apologize for that. Tournaments, interviews, endorsements, even a season finale of a TV show—all excuses to let loose and fill up no less than three trash bags with beer cans, pass out with his shoes on, and wake up groggy yet fulfilled the next day. Being a pro duelist had been the best move he’d ever made in his life, not just for the money and pictures and love of the game, but because even boring opening ceremonies or long-ass photoshoots ended with everyone getting smashed for no other reason than that they could. It was paradise.

This party fucking sucked though.

It didn’t suck in like, a traditional sense. The ballroom was beautiful, with vaulted ceilings and elegantly decorated tables with little placards for their names and everyone was dressed nicely. He was sitting at his assigned seat, staring at the nameplate and sipping prosecco, feeling like he should climb up onto the table and dance to liven things up a bit. Though the urge was strong and he’d downed four of these flutes of angry grape juice, he instead pulled out his phone from his front pocket—yeah, he was wearing a blazer with a fancy inside pocket, something he had never expected to wear in his life—and scrolling through his texts, most of them from Syrus, who was lamenting that they weren’t together to watch Aster and Zane’s televised foreplay. Jaden felt guilty but he wished he’d had a duel scheduled tonight. Zane and Aster had gotten out of attending this party (he used the term loosely) with Alexis, but this was a by week for him and he had no excuse.

Originally when Bastion had told him that he had to attend this—gala, that had been the word—this gala he was hype, ready to hang off his boyfriend’s arm and be the pro duelist trophy boyfriend to Bastion’s physics doctoral candidate, preferably hammered and bragging about how Bastion and Alexis had been awarded a competitive research grant for an assload of money. That was the plan, at least. Then again, he was under the impression that these galas were similar to his version of a party, where everyone showed up hella drunk and someone lost their pants thirty minutes in for whatever reason. The fancy name should’ve tipped him off, he thought, texting Syrus that he might have to fake a stomachache so he could dip out early, but in his defense he assumed the fancy name was because it was a university-sponsored thing not because it was stuffy as hell.

Syrus sent him back a sternly worded text that he should be happy for Bastion and that his boyfriend had put up with all of their drunken asses more times than he could count. Jaden could suck it up for one night.

Wrinkling his nose and feeling guilt swell up in him, Jaden locked his phone and put it back in his blazer—it was Bastion’s blazer actually, as Jaden didn’t own one nor did he remember to get one even though he’d been informed of this a week ago—and downed the rest of his wine, setting the empty glass back on the tablecloth. This would probably be more tolerable if he hadn’t immediately been separated from Bastion and Alexis, who had been accosted by professors and the program director almost as soon as they’d walked in. From his spot, he could see them standing with who he recognized as their faculty adviser, probably talking about something super smart and sciencey. This shit had gone on for the past forty-five minutes and Jaden could probably just walk over and interject himself, but what would he even say? The original plan didn’t seem like it would work as he definitely couldn’t grab Bastion’s ass and make off-color jokes about how his dick-sucking lips had won them that grant with this crowd of old-ass academics.

Bastion did look good in that suit though. Jaden probably wouldn’t be able to resist getting a handful of his ass when those slacks were stretched so tightly over it, already thinking of how he should drop something in front of him so he’d pick it up and give Jaden an excellent view. Looking down at his own ensemble, he wondered how Bastion had let him out of the house. He was wearing a purple leopard print button-up and had cuffed his dress pants and had refused to wear socks with these dress shoes unless he could wear his Winged Kuriboh ones. That had earned him an exasperated look from his boyfriend, who was busy ironing his own boring white shirt. Apparently the line was at Winged Kuriboh socks, as Bastion hadn’t said anything about his outfit when they’d left.

He could probably go over there, maybe just stand between Bastion and Alexis and not say anything. It’d be better than being the only person sitting at a table alone, even if what they were talking about would definitely go over his head and there wasn’t enough dancing for it to be a real party. Getting on the table and dancing was starting to become a more attractive idea by the second.

They’d been dating long enough for there to be a little voice in his head he called his Inner Bastion, which served as both a voice of reason and about eighty percent of his impulse control (the other twenty percent was divided between Jesse, Jim, and Syrus, though Sy was usually an enabler). It even had a cute British accent. Currently, it was telling him that if the choices were between dancing on the table and suffering through academics, he should go with the lesser of two evils.

It didn’t bar him from getting more alcohol, though, which was good because he definitely needed it. Just because everyone else was still upright and had all their clothes and there hadn’t been an impromptu karaoke battle didn’t mean he couldn’t have his own little party. Bastion could carry him out if needed.

“Thanks, dude,” Jaden was glad their assigned table was by the server station, meaning he didn’t have to go more than a few feet to get more of this angry grape juice. Too bad they didn’t have anything harder or else he’d be about ten rum and pineapples deep.

A real party should be impossible to navigate, everyone sweaty and close together, the music too loud to talk over unless you were right against someone’s ear or yelling so loud your throat hurt the next day. The most difficult part of reaching Bastion was walking sideways between chairs so he didn’t have to disturb anyone sitting down, which was a total bummer. He’d seen Bastion at a party with his other PhD candidate friends and they could throw down. Fucking school ruining everything, he thought sourly, trying to keep his face neutral as he got closer.

Just like he’d predicted, he could hear the adviser talking to Bastion about his upcoming exam, which sounded like gibberish to Jaden. He knew what an integral was and the difference between speed and velocity but other than that he couldn’t keep up, no matter how many times he helped Bastion study.

Deciding it was best not to interrupt their discussion of stellar evolution, which would be a great name for a mixtape, he tried to formulate a plan of attack to stand between them without looking awkward as hell. Alexis and Bastion were too damn close though, which he normally thought was adorable because they were best friend science buddies and Bastion’s tie matched Alexis’ dress, which wasn’t relevant but still insanely cute, and there would be no way for him to stand there without squeezing in and being a disruption. He’d just have to stand by Bastion’s side and take his chances. Hopefully none of these academic wizards would want to talk to him because the only thing he knew well was dueling and that probably wouldn’t fly with these nerds.

Jaden loved nerds. Bastion was a massive nerd and he loved him a lot, especially when he got excited about something and he’d start rambling, sticking a pencil behind his ear and gesticulating (usually at an equation he’d written on his office wall) and Jaden was totally content to pay his tuition with that sweet, sweet dueling cash if it meant he got to see him so happy. Jaden loved that kinda nerd. These stuffy nerds were a different story, completely uncharted territory. They probably didn’t cry tears of happiness when they finished a hard problem and probably didn’t look up at the stars and talk about extraterrestrial life and how rad space travel would be. That was the flavor of nerd he was used to.

Bastion was in the middle of saying something about electrons when Jaden came to stand next to him, their shoulders brushing, announcing his presence in the most subtle way Jaden had ever cut into a conversation ever. Damn, he should be flouncing over, totally drunk, kissing Bastion in the middle of the ballroom and shouting that his boyfriend was mega smart and that tie would be used to bind Bastion to the headboard later. Instead he had a flute glass and was sliding an arm around his boyfriend, trying to be quiet and unassuming. What fucking alternate universe was he in?

 “—the expansion of—” Bastion stopped speaking to look down at Jaden, smiling once he realized it wasn’t some random person leaning on him. “Dr. Zweinstein, this is Jaden. I don’t think you two have met yet.”

Of course Bastion would be nice and make introductions.

“Hey,” Jaden switched the glass to his left hand so he could shake with his right. “Bas has told me a lot about you.”

Hopefully that counted as enough of a conversation. Bastion was very warm and his arm was now around Jaden, which was awesome because now he could lean into his boyfriend. Normally Jaden would talk more, but this whole situation was lowkey uncomfortable and he was out of his element given how fancy this gala was. Gala. What a dumb word. It sounded so fancy and exciting yet it was boring as hell.

“He’s told me about you as well,” Dr. Zweinstein spoke with a faint German accent and Jaden wondered if PhD programs only brought in people with sick accents to make them seem more exotic. Alexis was the only American he’d met in the parade of Bastion’s higher education friends. “You’re a duelist?”

“Yeah,” Jaden wanted them to go back to talking about physics. Zweinstein was the same height but he still felt like he was being looked down on, his eyes looking over the rim of his glasses and a faint downturn of his wrinkled old mouth. Yeah, that was about right. Bastion never made him feel like he was dumb or anything, except when he was being really dumb and that usually involved some scheme he and Syrus had cooked up that might risk them bodily harm or gastrointestinal discomfort.

“I’m sure that’s exciting.” Zweinstein didn’t sound genuine, more condescending.

Bastion must’ve sensed that things were about to go downhill. “Jaden has been a big help. I don’t think I would’ve passed your last exam without him.”

That was sweet, really, but Jaden had just graded a practice test, which didn’t involve anything but looking at the nicely circled x = whatever after an endless parade of calculus and checking them against an answer key. It’s not like he could help Bastion if he got in a real pickle, which is why he often saw his boyfriend dialing Alexis’ number at ass o’clock at night, standing in front of the wall where he’d attempted a problem with a worn-down pencil and tension in his shoulders.

“Oh, nonsense. You and Alexis are my best students. I think the two of you were born to do this.”

That was less sweet. The part about him helping Bastion being nonsense, that is. Bastion and Alexis were the best because they were Bastion and Alexis, so he could agree with that. Jaden shifted, crossing his arms over his chest, feeling very defensive because he may not have been a braniac but he did try to help in whatever capacity he could. Fuck this stuffy ass gala.

He felt fingers nudging at him, and he looked over to see Alexis reaching behind Bastion and prodding his side, smiling at him. She looked exquisite in that dress, the gold matching her eyes and making her look like the absolute queen she was. Jaden overcame his extreme annoyance at Dr. Asswipe—it really was unfortunate the guy had been kinda dickish because Bas talked about him like the guy invented the sun—to smile at her. Damn the two of them for standing so close together he couldn’t squeeze in.

Honestly, that’s probably how everyone felt when he and Syrus were together, but that was different. Jaden and Syrus were the awesomest at parties and if Syrus were here instead of watching Alexis’ boyfriends duke it out on prime time television they could play a drinking game at least. Not like Bastion wouldn’t play drinking games with him, but since he was one of the guests of honor its not like he could get totally shitfaced. That was another reason this party sucked. Alexis and Bastion should be messes right now, needing to be scraped off the floor because it was their party and they deserved to celebrate like he did after winning a duel.

The conversation had blessedly switched away from Jaden and back to stars or whatever the “post AGB phase” was. It probably wasn’t too late to fake a stomachache, he thought as he sipped more of the prosecco, looking aimlessly into the crowd of people, half-listening to Bastion’s voice as he talked about shell burning (yet another great name for a mixtape), but Syrus’ text about being supportive echoed in his head. He could stick it out for Bastion.

It was hard, though, to listen to all these big words and not know anything about what was going on. If it were just the two of them, Jaden would interrupt and ask his boyfriend to explain something in very small words so he could at least sorta understand enough to be engaged, but they weren’t at home or in the car or even at Starbucks. Maybe he should’ve just stayed at the table and texted Syrus or tried to livestream Zane and Aster’s duel. The only good thing that had come out of leaving his seat was that Bastion’s arm was around him, keeping their sides pressed together, and that Bastion was clearly very excited about whatever they were talking about and he sounded so happy.

Taking another sip of wine, Jaden glanced up at his boyfriend, how he was smiling while saying huge-ass words that meant nothing to Jaden, who couldn’t spell ‘necessary’ or ‘license’ without googling it first. This was his element, this academic wasteland, devoid of personality and individualism, the only thing here facts and figures and research that took countless hours. The blazer felt itchy, restrictive, weighing heavily on his shoulders and making it hard to breathe. Jaden had never been in this part of Bastion’s world before. Usually the extent was watching him and several other students gathered around the coffee table or sequestered in the office, studying together or shooting the shit, and none of them had been this type of boring, flat, lifeless, damn near oppressive type of academic.

“Jaden.”

Zweinstein was speaking to him again, and Jaden halted his thoughts about how he was itchy and hot and overall uncomfortable to focus.

“Yeah?” He tried not to think of how he sounded raspy and lowkey kinda pathetic.

“Bastion says you were recently in Zurich.”

That wasn’t really recent, but yeah. “I had a tournament there a couple months ago. Nice place, but super cold.”

“I was just telling Bastion that we have several job openings in Zurich with one of our sister universities,” Zweinstein continued, still looking at Jaden over his glasses and he could’ve sworn the man was speaking slower, like he was unsure Jaden could understand him. The itchy, tight feeling intensified, and Jaden gripped onto the wine glass and tried to think of the way Chazz pitched a fit on television when Jaden had dropped his life points to zero last week. “I think it would be a good fit once he completes the program.”

A job? Overseas? There would be worse things, Jaden supposed. He wasn’t about to have a conversation about important life decisions right here, though. “That’s cool.”

“That’s a word for it.” Zweinstein drawled.

“I appreciate the offer, but I think I’ll probably end up staying around here.” Thankfully Bastion was there to speak again because Jaden was about ten seconds from smashing his glass in his turtle-looking face.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Zweinstein looked from Jaden to Bastion. “Though it is possible to be a duelist anywhere in the world. I hope you don’t let your partner’s career dictate yours.”

Jaden was hot, burning hot. The air was so thick it hurt to breathe, fingers twitching around the glass, and not even the feeling of Bastion’s hand squeezing his shoulder could calm the burning rage within him. Who the fuck was this man to stand here and insinuate that Jaden was—was holding Bastion back? Bastion had never said anything of the sort, not even implied it. Yeah, Jaden was loud and largely inappropriate and not book-smart and Bastion was proper and restrained and did Sudoku for fun but he would never, ever do anything knowing it would limit his boyfriend in his academic or career pursuits.

Coming over here was a mistake.

“’scuse me,” Jaden ducked out from under Bastion’s arm, needing to get away before he said something that would get him thrown out of this stupid-ass gala. His hip knocked into a table, jostling the silverware and startling the people sitting down, walking so fast the mostly-full glass was sloshing onto his sleeve, overcome with a burning need to get away from this gathering of pretentious fucks.

He knocked into more tables, tipping a chair over on its side as he made his exit. The door to the outside was his goal, as the night air would surely offer some sort of respite. Vaguely, he heard his name being called, but the blood was pounding in his ears and he couldn’t decipher who had called for him. It didn’t matter, as not even Bastion could make him go back to that horseshit conversation where he was being insulted for merely existing. What the fuck had he done to Zweinstein?

Pushing the ballroom door open with his shoulder and sloshing more wine onto the blazer, Jaden stepped into the hallway, hanging a right and heading for the exit doors where he could cool off and preferably stay outside until this nonsense was over. There were a couple of staff members standing by the door, and they opened it for him with a smile that he didn’t have it in him to return, finally stepping out and feeling like he was able to breathe once again.

It was easier to breathe but he was still hot and itchy. Sitting down on the top step, Jaden set down his glass and tore off the wine-soaked blazer, a passing thought of how it was his boyfriend’s and he should probably be more careful with it was silenced by angry thoughts of how he should summon Flame Wingman to burn this whole dumbass building down. Too bad he didn’t have his duel disk. That would’ve been satisfying. As long as Bastion and Alexis got out first.

Resting his head in his hands, acutely aware he looked like Cinderella, sitting here on the top of the steps after making a speedy exit from a ballroom, he heard Zweinstein’s words over and over again, taunting him. Was that it? Was the perception of their relationship that Jaden was somehow stunting Bastion’s professional and academic prospects?

Probably, another voice spoke up. They’d always been kinda an odd couple, proof that the old adage of ‘opposites attract’ wasn’t just a cliché. Jaden remembered when they’d first gotten together back in undergrad of how, while the squad had seen it coming for months and was totally cool with it, the other students at Duel Academy did make a few passing comments about how Bastion was ‘too good’ for him. It hadn’t bothered him back then because everything was shiny and new and he was totally gonna be a kickass pro duelist trophy boyfriend and Bastion was gonna name a star after him (something Bastion had actually said in a post-sex cuddle sesh, which had made Jaden feel enough love for the man to explode) and they were gonna prove everyone wrong. But now, feeling the air dance across his burning cheeks, staring down at the concrete steps, thinking about how the entire night he’d felt out of place, he entertained the thought that maybe, just maybe, there was some merit to what Zweinstein had said. Bastion would probably do better with someone that could keep up with him in the braincell department, someone he could talk about his passions with that didn’t involve multiple interruptions to define terms.

Shit, this was stupid. Jaden looked up at the sky, thinking about how he sounded like a dumb teenager to himself but unable to shake the feeling that maybe this gala had revealed something crucial, something he’d never considered before. The wine he’d spilled on himself was starting to dry, making his skin feel sticky and tight, heightening the feeling of general discomfort that had settled into his skin and overtaken him from the second he’d stepped in the ballroom, raised to a fever pitch by that stupid doctor. Going back inside felt impossible though. Better to just sit out here and tamp down on these feelings, forget about this entirely. The steps were uncomfortable and there were still a few stragglers coming in, their eyes landing on him briefly before continuing their way up the stairs. It’d be better to wait in the car but Bastion had the keys and was almost pathological about locking doors, meaning he’d have to go back inside to get them. That wasn’t gonna happen unless Jaden got one free punch aimed at Zweinstein.

He’d sit out here, then. That’d be fine. He had most of his phone battery left and a backlog of updates from Syrus; plus if all else failed he could call Jesse to pass the time. Bastion and Alexis could enjoy the gala in their honor and Jaden wouldn’t get arrested for assault. It would be fine, he reassured himself, though he still heard the echoes of doubts and insecurities and the visions of Bastion galivanting around with another obscenely smart person that wouldn’t feel out of place in his world, would compliment him better. The Inner Bastion voice that had discouraged him from dancing on the table was now spouting out how it was illogical to feel these things when Bastion had never come close to implying that Jaden wasn’t enough for him, and he did his damnedest to listen to it. That proved to be difficult, the persistent itch under his skin and the heat in his face not caring that his Inner Bastion was right. Digging in the front pocket for his phone, he felt his fingers shaking, covered in a cold sweat, unable to grasp the device.

Fucking fine, then. He could just sit here. He could just chill out. He was the ultimate at chilling, had taught Bastion how to turn that brain off and enjoy himself.

“Jaden?”

Was that his Inner Bastion trying to get him to calm himself down and stop worrying about nothing? It sounded louder, more insistent now, like the real Bastion sounded when Jaden was about to down seven Coke floats because Syrus got through six before he puked.

“Jaden?”

That definitely wasn’t in his head. Twisting around, Jaden looked up to see Bastion coming out of the building, walking toward him, blazer open and swishing with his steps, tie off-kilter. What the hell was Bastion doing out here? He should be inside.

“What?” Bastion was standing in on the steps by him now, looking confused and worried. Shit, he must’ve said that out loud. “I’m not going to stand inside while you’re out here, don’t be ridiculous.”

“Dude, this is your party.” Jaden felt a new wave of guilt for storming out and disrupting his boyfriend’s moment in the sun, especially after Bastion had spent an inordinate amount of time posing for pictures with Jaden after he won a duel or taken a red-eye flight to get back to the university in time for classes after joining him at a tournament. “Seriously, Bas. Get back in there.”

“Jaden,” Bastion was sitting down next to him, using that serious voice that Jaden recognized as the one meaning he wasn’t going to entertain an argument.

Jaden didn’t have anything to say that wasn’t going to be either argumentative or let these anxious, unfounded thoughts spill out, so he just huffed and stared straight ahead.

There was silence for a moment. Usually their silences weren’t uncomfortable as they’d been together far too long to feel the need to fill every moment with inorganic conversation. This was an uncomfortable silence and Jaden could feel Bastion looking at him, practically feel the way he was turning words over in his mind, wanting to broach the subject of that unfortunate encounter with his faculty adviser. Jaden didn’t know if he wanted to talk about it or not, really. If he made Bastion feel like he couldn’t interact with the person helping him complete his doctorate then he really would be holding him back just like Zweinstein said; if he didn’t say anything then he’d either have to abstain from coming to these uptight academic gatherings, maybe miss out on more important accomplishments, in order to not be subjected to this condescending bullshit.

This situation sucked.

“Jaden,” Bastion had apparently finished deciding how to begin.

“Yeah?”

“You won’t have to worry about Dr. Zweinstein saying anything else to you.”

“What?” Jaden looked over to him, feeling more guilt, more anxiety twisting his insides. “What’d you say to him? Bas, you better not have—”

“I told him to shove it.” Bastion interrupted, a slight smile breaking his face, eyes shining with amusement. “Not in as many words, but you know.”

“You told the guy who holds your future by the short and curlies to shove it?”

“Jaden, sweetheart,” Bastion’s arm wound around his shoulders, pulling him to his side. Jaden was slightly off-guard, feeling new heat rise to his cheeks at the pet name. His boyfriend didn’t use them often, didn’t really use nicknames either, referring to Alexis by her full name when everyone else said ‘Lex’, almost never calling him ‘Jay.’ Leaning his head against Bastion’s shoulder, feeling the fabric of his blazer against his cheek, he listened as Bastion continued. “I think you’ve overestimated the influence he has on me. I’m not so starstruck that I’m going to let him speak to you like that.”

That was probably the nicest, most political way for Bastion to say that he was overreacting. Maybe if Jaden had stayed a moment longer, hadn’t made a scene, he would’ve been able to see Bastion clap back. That would’ve been infinitely better than knocking over a chair and spilling wine everywhere.

“Do people,” Jaden tried to keep his voice steady, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning more heavily on Bastion’s side. “Do people say stuff like that a lot?”

“No,” Bastion’s cheek leaned on his head, breath moving his bangs as he sighed. “A few people have. They learn not to.”

“Thanks for defending my honor,” Jaden wanted to make it sound like a joke, lighten the mood and lift the weight that was settling inside him.

“I don’t need nor appreciate input on where I’ve chosen to lay my affections.”

“Maybe they’re right, you know.” Jaden couldn’t stop it from tumbling out, wincing a second later. That was pathetic. He sounded like the protagonist in that soap opera he’d binged last week at Syrus’ insistence, the two of them laid out on the couch, definitely not sober, laughing at how stupid and dramatic the script was. Now he was doing the same shit he’d mocked.

“No, they most definitely are not.”

The conviction in that statement jump-started his heart, making him lift up his head, staring into Bastion’s eyes. Protests were on the tip of his tongue, even as his Inner Bastion was telling him to listen to the Outer Bastion and not the flurry of irrational thoughts clouding his mind. They died as Bastion pulled him closer, reaching out to lay his hand over one of Jaden’s.

“I wanted you to come with me tonight. Not just because you’re my partner but because you’re my inspiration.” Bastion squeezed his hand and Jaden grabbed onto him, probably too tightly but his heart was pounding and his boyfriend’s hands were bigger and really warm and he needed the feeling of their palms pressed together to calm himself. “You’ve been so supportive of me, helped me even when you don’t understand, tolerated me staying up all night grading papers, and never complained about me repainting parts of the office when I run out of room to write on the walls. I wanted you to be here tonight. Dr. Zweinstein can take his opinions elsewhere.”

They were silent, just looking at each other, and Jaden felt like he should say something, but he couldn’t. His mind was blank, which was unfortunate because his heart was full and he wanted to thank Bastion for coming out here, for defending him, for being so perfect and wonderful, for being so loving. The anxieties and thoughts of not being enough, the image of Zweinstein staring at him over his glasses, those horrid fantasies of Bastion being with some nameless, faceless person in a lab coat—they all dissipated. They weren’t buried, just gone, like they’d never occupied his thoughts. His Inner Bastion was very smugly telling him that Jaden should’ve listened to him in the first place.

“How’d I get so lucky?” Jaden laughed, a real laugh, leaning in to kiss his boyfriend, pressing their lips together, feeling Bastion’s hand tighten around his own. Lingering for just a moment longer, he pulled back, resting their foreheads together, feeling lighter and happier and overwhelmingly content.

“I’m the lucky one.” Bastion smiled, tightening his hold on Jaden’s shoulders. “Will you come back inside with me?”

“Sure, yeah,” Jaden refrained from adding that if Zweinstein even looked at him the wrong way he’d throw a wine glass at him.

“Oh, here.” Bastion’s hold on him was gone and he was shrugging out of his blazer. “Take this.”

“Sorry,” Jaden looked down at the still-wet sleeves of his own blazer. “I’ll do laundry when we get home.”

“It’s quite alright. Please don’t do laundry. The last time you turned all of my white shirts gray.”

“Hey, come on,” Jaden stuck his tongue out, heard Bastion laughing at him. “I looked cute in that apron, though.”

“I’m not sure stapling hand towels together and tying them around your waist counts as an apron.”

“You aren’t denying that I looked cute.”

“No, I’m not.” Bastion helped Jaden out of his blazer, draping his own over Jaden’s shoulders.

There was something heavy in the front pocket of Bastion’s blazer, too big to be a phone, not jingly enough to be keys. “Babe?”

“Mmm?”

“What’s in here?”

“A flask.”

Bastion brought a flask? “I’m not complaining, babe, but, uh—why?”

“Well,” Bastion pushed up his sleeve to look at his watch, the one Jaden had gotten him for his birthday, the face decorated with little stars that glowed in the dark. “Alexis is giving a speech in about five minutes. Thought you might like to play a drinking game.”

“I’ve never been more in love with you than at this moment.” Jaden shot up, extending a hand to his boyfriend, who was laughing and looking perfect with that boring white shirt and eyes reflecting the starlight. “Let’s go back inside.”

[thewestmeetingroom]

The West Meeting Room - Thinking Forward: A Hip Hop History Lesson with Dr. Francesca D’Amico-Cuthbert Transcript

SPEAKERS: Francesca, Jessica, Zoe, Braeden

Jessica:  Hello and welcome to The West Meeting Room. We are broadcasting from Hart House and you're listening to CiUT 89.5 FM and we're grateful to be taking up space on Dish With One Spoon Territory. I'm Jessica Rayne, Program Associate at Hart House and I'll be your host for today's show along with my colleague Zoe Dille. Today we'll be discussing all things Hip-hop and social justice with Hip-hop Historian Dr. Francesca D’Amico-Cuthbert. Dr. D'Amico-Cuthbert is currently doing a Postdoctoral Fellowship at Jackman Humanities Institute at U of T. Expanding on her previous research which focused on Hip-hop culture, identity and Anti-Black practices and systems of power. Her current project will explore the history of the music industry, and how it shaped the collective agency of people who are part of the Hip-hop community in Toronto. We are so delighted to engage with Dr. D'Amico-Cuthbert again as part of the Hart House Hip-hop Education program. So please check out harthouse.ca to learn more about the many Hip-hop Education programs and events that we have for this year. You can also follow us on social media @harthouseuoft.

Zoe:  Alright, so I want to thank Dr. Francesca D'Amico Cuthbert and I wanted to start out with a few introductory questions and get us all up to speed. So my first question for you is tell us a little bit about what does it mean to be a Jackman Humanities Fellow? And what's your sort of area of research and a little bit about the work that you'll be doing as a Fellow this year at U of T?

Francesca:  Sure. So the Jackman Humanities Institute, I was invited for the 2020-2021 cohort to look at their general theme which focuses on collectives. And so a lot of people are thinking about collectives in a variety of ways. But in terms of my work, I was invited as part of a role where we're engaged with the community. And so the community of my choice was the Toronto Hip-hop community. And so I guess a little bit about the research that I'm doing there - At the end, close to the end, of my doctoral project, I started thinking about, you know, how I would like to kind of shift the focus of my research, and where my new interests lied. And I found that I was increasingly interested in the nature of systems of power, and how systemic inequalities have taken shape across various historical periods, particularly in relation to Anti-Black practices in various systems of power. And so my current Postdoctoral project at the institute expands on research that I had already been doing about the Toronto Hip-hop community, which to date had really been focused on the role of Canadian rappers in articulating a very specific set of ways of thinking through Black Canadian-ness, and particularly how rappers engaged complex dialogues about the politics of nationhood, citizenship, and what it meant to belong to Canada and what it meant to be Canadian. And so when I started thinking about how to shift my research interests, I decided that I wanted to explore, in greater depth, the history of the racial economy of Toronto’s music industry, and in particular, how it's shaped the collective agency of people who are part of the Hip-hop community in Toronto. And in particular, what it meant to be a practitioner and to have access to resources and revenue streams and also exposure in the marketplace, which historically, for people who are Hip-hop practitioners in Toronto, it has been a very uneven infrastructural support system for the homegrown set of artists here. And so I'm really interested in thinking through why it is the market looks the way it does and why, in some ways, you know, when we look south of the border, there's a really deep and elaborate and profitable American music industry in relation to Hip-hop. And so you know, some of my major questions are Why does the Canadian market not look the same way when we have great talent, and we've had a long history in Toronto Hip-hop culture dating back to the 70s and 80s.  

Zoe:  Wow. So that is a whole lot to unpack.

[laughter]

Francesca:  Sure, yes.

Zoe:  And actually, luckily enough for us, we do have, throughout the course of this interview, we do have a few questions that kind of circle back to some of the themes you brought up, particularly around this kind of dynamics of power, Canadian national identity. And, and just kind of unpacking a little bit this kind of critical, social and racial justice moment that we're at. But to bring it back to the beginning, let's say, you touched on your PhD research... I want to just flip it over to Jessica to kind of sort of ask you to get into a bit of your early years, like maybe pre or during your PhD years,

Jessica:  Yeah, Francesca - So I think, you know, we're really so interested in the work that you're doing. Especially as we look at Hip-hop Education, as you know, a way to engage students at Hart House and at U of T. But I wanted to ask you really about that journey, because I think it's very unique and very interesting. So I want to bring it to the beginning and kind of ask you about what was that first introduction to Hip-hop? What was that connection that kind of led you to now pursuing an entire career, an academic career at that? So going through your PhD, getting that PhD, and then also making that career of research around Hip-hop. So you can take it back just to share your journey. What was it that connected you to Hip-hop to make it, you know, kind of like your career calling?  

Francesca:  Sure. I think there's a couple of things. So interestingly enough, though I consider myself a scholar of Hip-hop, my interest in Black music, and Black music that’s oriented towards social justice, actually began with Janet Jackson. For those of us, you know, not to date myself, but it's my most favorite album,

[laughter]

Zoe:  I'm laughing.

Jessica:  Yes! My sister’s obsessed with Janet Jackson.  

Francesca:  I'm obsessed. I think the first time I really got into social justice music by Black artists was with Janet Jackson's 1989 album Rhythm Nation 1814. And at the time I was - so I have an artist background, I think is the first thing that really drew me towards culture. Period. So at the time, I was taking dance lessons. And I remember our dance teacher for the year decided that we were, our end, you know, our final piece for the year would be choreographed to Rhythm Nation. And I remember seeing Janet, you know, on television, on Much Music. And I was enthralled, you know, by her talent, but especially by the lyrics in that album. And I know, I wouldn't learn until much later that Janet was inspired by a lot of the news cycle on CNN, you know, when she was writing that album. Things like school shootings across the country that were happening, but also like a lot of R&B Artists at the time, they were looking at the power of Hip-hop culture. You know, ‘89 is also the same year that Public Enemy released Fight the Power. So there was a lot of social consciousness stirring in Black music in the United States as a whole. But Hip-hop was really a source of interest for artists outside of the genre. And so I think my love of Janet and the social consciousness that was a huge part of that album was also paired with the fact that I remember, you know, watching much music as a child and seeing Maestro Fresh Wes on television. And it, you know, at first I didn't realize he was Canadian. And I think, you know, part of what made him so interesting is that within the Hip-hop aesthetic, he really set himself apart in the way that he was dressed. You know, he was dressed as an orchestra conductor, which I think, again, you know, as a young person, you don't always think about how powerful these images are until you begin to deconstruct them in your older years. But even seeing Maestro in that aesthetic was really powerful because it challenged the aesthetics, the Eurocentric aesthetics I should say, of what we imagined an orchestra director to look like - Or sorry, conductor. And so beyond those early years of being a dancer, I also eventually would become a musician and I would go to art school as a high school student. And so I was really immersed in music and dance and theater. And so once I went to university, I also paired that with a love for history, because I'm a trained historian. And so, once, I had dreams of also being a lawyer. I mean, like every young person, you know, what you hope to be shifts and transforms over time. So I was always interested in social justice and culture. And when I decided to apply for my graduate degree, I really wanted to find a way to marry those passions together. And of course, loving Hip-hop as being a part of the Hip-hop generation. I initially did my master's degree, with a focus on the music that came out of the Civil Rights and Black Power movement. So soul and funk in particular. And once I decided to pursue a PhD, I decided that I wanted my years to be focused on Hip-hop, both in the United States, and I've done some work, obviously, on Canada. And then I increasingly became an interested in Hip-hop Education. So I mean, I think that over time, my interests have shifted ever so slightly, but I've always been consistently interested in thinking about the role of culture in social justice movements.

Zoe:  So I have to say, you've made me rethink Janet Jackson in all new ways. And I'll have to go back to Rhythm Nation. I mean, it was great. I remember that video was just killing it back when, you know, Much Music was the thing and MTV and all of that. And, you know, from a choreographical standpoint, like she's amazing and stuff. But I have never really looked at her as a continuum of a kind of social justice movement, you know. So that's interesting. But the other piece I, and this is kind of what you've just said, kind of leads into the next few questions that we have... So you mentioned you're a trained historian and I feel, and I just kind of wrote this, I wrote down that phrase “trained historian” because I feel, in some ways, that is kind of the role and purpose of Hip-hop as well. Like it's a repository of histories and voices and narratives. And so I just thought that was an interesting, parallel. But to go back to a bit about what you just said about Maestro and seeing him and what he challenged for you visually and not even knowing or kind of immediately assuming, or not assuming that he was Canadian. It kind of leads into this question that I have for you, which is how do you feel that Canadian Hip-hop is both part of the overall Hip-hop narrative? And more specifically, how does it inform the Canadian identity? Specifically, if you feel that it does -  well, I think you do - but in what ways do you see, you know, those relationships?

Francesca:  I think being part of a larger Hip-hop canon - of course, the early pioneers in Toronto were looking south of the border to places like New York City, and thinking about how they were going to contribute to the culture and construct also a unique narrative. If we look at the early generation, the you know, the architects of Toronto Hip-hop, I think that they were trying in their own way to contribute to the culture. So as to be accepted inside of that Hip-hop narrative. And it's not really until we get to, in some ways, the what was called the second generation, you know, of Hip-hop practitioners in Toronto, where we start to see musicians in particular carving out a very unique narrative. So we think about artists like Kardinal Offishall, who on his song Bacardi slang really tries to set apart Toronto, and into some degrees, Canada more broadly - but Toronto specifically from their American counterparts. So as to just suggest that there's something unique happening in Toronto and Hip-hop being very much a trans local art form, meaning that it's connected, you know, these very various local spaces, you know, Toronto, New York City, Los Angeles, Atlanta - all of these places are connected through Hip-hop culture and the pillars of Hip-hop. But they also have very unique stories to tell based on the places that these artists come from. And so, I think that in a lot of ways, while Toronto artists were trying to be a part of that culture by practicing the forms within Hip-hop, whether it be breakdancing or emceeing, or graffiti writing, or DJing, I think they were also trying to find ways where they could represent themselves and their city. You know, claim their city, first off. First, we know Toronto, of course as the Tdot or the T dot O, and later, you know, become “the six” through Hip-hop culture. And so trying to claim that local space, but also trying to articulate their own identity. So within a larger framework of multiculturalism, I think Hip-hop, which in its early days in Toronto had an incredible amount of Caribbean inflections, whether it be the use of instrumentals, or the vocabulary, you know, used in Hip-hop, a Toronto Hip-hop, or the vernacular even.

Zoe:  Which is common, sorry to interject but you're just - On that point, I mean, that is really going strong today, because those cultures, Hip-hop and Dancehall have blended. So, almost you know, seamlessly in a lot of ways, right? And you hear, as you say, those particular inflections, or you hear specific words, or you see a lot in here, a lot of patois. You see in here, a lot of Dancehall kind of beats, and it's really interesting to have seen how that has just strengthened, you know, from the early stages that you just referenced up to now where it's completely normalized to have somebody who is not of any kind of Caribbean descent or anything, have some kind of word, some kind of rhythm or be participating or partnering with someone who is from the Dancehall world. It’s completely acceptable now.

Francesca:  Right. And I think, of course, you know, it's interesting how so many people who, let's say are the younger generation, or who are not familiar with Toronto, imagine that to be the way Toronto speaks. And I think that's an interesting phenomenon. I think, too, for those of us who teach the history of Hip-hop, or engage in Hip-hop education, there's also a potential danger in that because it tends to erase the contributions of Caribbean Canadian artists and to identify the fact that the inflections are in fact, from, you know, routed through the Caribbean. And it's not - it has come to be known as the way Toronto identifies or, you know, speaks, for example. But I think that if we don't do the work to continually remind people that this is a Caribbean contribution to Canadian Hip-hop identity, I think there's a danger of erasing that unique element of, you know, what really sets us apart from other places in the Hip-hop, you know, globally to say, right? Even though places like New York City have comparable, you know, demographics in terms of having large communities from the Caribbean who have migrated to New York City, there's something unique that's happened here in Toronto, where it becomes the forefront of our Hip-hop culture in a way that I think has not necessarily come to be in the same way in New York City. Even though certainly, you know, we could think about a number of Caribbean American artists. You know, whether they be Phife Dawg, you know, from A Tribe Called Quest or Busta Rhymes. They certainly are, they're, you know, they're in that Hip-hop community, but it hasn't been as much as in the forefront as the collective Toronto community.  

Zoe:  Interesting. So Jessica, hope you're taking note of that with Drake because...

Francesca:  He’s certainly, you know, a controversial character for some folks.

Zoe:  Well, yeah, he definitely does exactly what you just said. I mean, he goes to Jamaica a lot, as many artists do and he's collaborated with various artists. And he also has that inflection, he uses that vernacular, etc, etc. Right? And so for the biggest selling artists, not just Canadian, but like worldwide like that, What is that? What does that say? Just to your point, Francesca. So when you meet up with him, Jess, you need to have that conversation.

[laughter]

Jessica:  Definitely. I have a lot of questions myself for him.

Zoe:  Yeah, I know. But just so so much there again. And you know, just trying to make sure we do justice to all these points that you've brought up - you were you were speaking about Michie Mee earlier and about Maestro and I know you have a lot of love for Eternia as it were. And I wondered if you wanted to just kind of say a few words about who she is? And how, why do you think she's important? How she kind of fits in with the narrative of those, those other artists that you've referenced?

Francesca:  I think, you know, one of the reasons, one of the things I find so incredible about Toronto, is the way that female talent has been not just at the onset of Hip-hop culture - you know, we think about artists like Michie Mee, right? You know, she in a lot of ways represents that, you know, the famous Hip-hop recording, Ladies First. You know, the first of our talent is female. Which I think is a unique attribute of our Hip-hop story in Toronto. The fact that the first artists to really gain traction, it was a woman. And that sets us apart from many other Hip-hop spaces. And I think, you know, whether we think about, you know, artists like Michie Mee or Eternia, or you know, more recently, the ladies of The Sorority - Toronto has always been a city where female rappers in particular have been incredibly strong in terms of their contributions, lyrical or otherwise. And they've always been supported. You know, one of the things that I've loved watching as I've interviewed a lot of architects of the Toronto sound has been the way that male rappers really support female rappers in this city. And just watching that camaraderie is a beautiful thing. And, you know, very specifically when I think about an artist like Eternia, I - one of the things that I really appreciate about her and I certainly tried to model in my work as an academic who's a guest, you know, in Black studies and Hip-hop Studies. In particular, is the way she shows a deeper appreciation for the culture. You know, she always gives artists who set the template, Black artists in particular who set the template, she always gives them their respect and their due and I think she's a great representation of what it means to be a guest in the house of Hip-hop. And it's certainly one of the, she's one of the people that I certainly look to in the culture and try to replicate that way of being.

Zoe:  Definitely. And, you know, we have to respect people like her and many others and, you know, recognize that we have this incredible talent pool and these incredible voices right in our own backyard, so to speak. And so, given, you know, what you just said there, and all the work that you've done, both your kind of personal journey and now being a fellow at Jackman, why is it you feel that it's important to bring Hip-hop and to bring the areas of research that you're currently involved in into the academic environment? And how do you think that reframes Hip-hop as a culture? Or does it reframe Hip-hop as a culture within the academy?

Francesca:  I think, yeah, I absolutely do think that it reframes Hip-hop, both in the academy, but in in the broader cultural conversation. I think, for me, studying Hip-hop is important for a variety of reasons. I think, you know, first and foremost, it's important to think through the way that artists experience systems of power. You know, because oftentimes, when we think about musicians or you know, celebrities more broadly, we see them as people of privilege. In particular, the way that we imagine celebrities. And I think it's important to remember that they too are experiencing systems of power, particularly when they're so visible in the public eye. And so for me, it's been really important to look at Hip-hop culture and think through the ways in which they, the practitioners I should say, have engaged with the culture industry, and how the structures and mechanisms of power within culture industries, whether we're talking about the US or Canada, have supported the art that these practitioners have put forward or fail to support, and have even challenged these artists in terms of their politics and their identities and what that looks like. Because that's often being done in the public eye for us to see. I think in particular, in the Canadian context - and one of the reasons you know, that I've been driven to focus on my upcoming work on the music industry, in particular I think historically, when we think about the academic work about the Black music tradition in Canada, so much of the attention in the literature, whether we're thinking about a discipline like history or other fields, such as you know, communications, or music studies even, there has tended to be a focus on rock music in particular. And I think one of the reasons for that is because it tends to be considered a trope of Canadian-ness in a way that other forms of culture have not. And so, you know, one of the things that I'm interested in, is thinking about Hip-hop culture. And how studying this community and their contributions to Canadian culture more broadly, can tell us a lot more about the history of broadcasting in this country and the protection strategies that have been used to protect a you know, “Canadian culture”, you know, what exactly does that look like? Especially in the strategies that have been implemented by institutions like the Canadian Radio Television and Telecommunications Commission, which is also known to us as the CRTC. And in particular, strategies, like CanCon, you know. So I'm really trying to think through what CanCon means to the nation. And I think when we look at Black music, in particular in Hip-hop, and Hip-hop especially, what we see is that these protectionist strategies have have failed really to incorporate that important contribution to the country. And they have, those strategies have uniquely affected the work of Black artists and their ability to generate a thriving platform that showcases their artistic contributions.

Zoe:  I, I feel like what you said, it just struck a nerve there so much, because we do look at - we are kind of told in many different ways through you know, dominant culture that classical and rock n’ roll are the things that, you know, define what Canadian culture is. And yet, you're so right about Black voices. I would also add Indigenous voices, obviously, to that, and a really interesting and informative, you know, Hip-hop cultural scene within the Indigenous communities. But that both of those communities, what they're talking about is actually, you know, the alternate or the underlying kind of history of all of Canada, right?  

Francesca:  Absolutely.  

Zoe:  And the one that you don't get in the textbook. And the one that now at this particular moment in time, there's a lot of push back on like, whose stories are being told? What truths  and you know? And just yeah, it's just really interesting to look at it through the prism of like, Ken Coleman, and through the prism of like CanCon and what culture is promoted and what isn't and what's excluded.  

Francesca:  And I think too, you know, what we also need to remember, that’s not specific necessarily to any type of geography, but it's that Hip-hop culture as a whole - and, you know, I look primarily at Rap music - but Hip-hop as a whole is a way to create and project forward a counter narrative. And so, you know, in my early dissertation work, when I was completing my doctorate, I was very interested in thinking through what is the story that Hip-hop tells us about the United States, because my early work was on the US. And when we look at Hip-hop, we start to see the nation in very different ways. We start to see systems of power in different ways because Hip-hop is a story of people who are disempowered at very many intersections, whether we're talking about race, class, gender, sexuality, you know, different geographical spaces. And so I think if we incorporate the stories of Hip-hop into larger narratives about broadcasting history, or the Canadian culture industry, what we are going to see are these stories that are exacerbated by different forms of oppression. You know, it's one of the reasons why, you know, in the last month or so we've seen the introduction of groups such as Advance, which is a Black music collective that is trying to address a number of Anti-Black, systemic issues that are in the music industry. And so when we archive the stories of Hip-hop in the broader Canadian culture industry, we will be able to see that this isn't just part of the present or the contemporary moment. This has a historical trajectory dating back, you know, in the Canadian culture industry for many decades. And so I think it's important to do that work because so often when we're talking about systems of power in particular relation to Anti-Blackness, there seems to be this continuing narrative that circulates that these are new instances. When in fact those of us who have been studying and for people who have experienced systemic oppression, they will tell you that this is not new at all. And so doing that archival work is really important, too. Educating the public about the long history of Anti-Black racism in Canada. And the way of course it appears with anti-Indigenous racism in the settler colonial context.

Jessica:  I'm just here listening to both you and Zoe go at it.  

[laughter]  

And I think it's a great conversation. Sorry, but I have all these questions to ask. It all sounds just so amazing. And like, the way you're articulating this. It's just bringing it all to, like home. So, Francesca, the question that I have, in particular is around when you mentioned Eternia and you know, we really respect Eternia as well and love working with her. But you talked about how she, you know, recognizes that she's a guest in the space. And I wanted to talk about the kind of the research that you do and entering a space that you necessarily, you know, are not affiliated with, in a sense of being a musician, or you are a musician, but I mean, Hip-hop artists, or being a part of that kind of experience. So I wanted to ask around, like, how that is for you and your position, and the powers that you hold as an academic and being, you know, visibly white, highly educated? How is it for you to navigate these spaces, build trust, and negotiate these relationships to tell the stories of the people that you are interacting with?

Francesca:  That's a great question. I think - so when I began doing my doctoral research, which was primarily focused on the ways in which rappers articulated their identities. So not just being musicians, of course, but also, you know, my full focus of my research was really on Black rappers in particular, and those who identified with urban spaces and working class identities in particular, and working poor identities. And so one of the ways in which I try to address, you know, the fact of course that I am not American, you know, first and foremost - I, as a visibly white person, I do not share the Black experience, you know, certainly not the Black American experience. And so, I think one of the most important things to do as a researcher who may be an insider, in some ways - you know, the fact that I'm a musician - but you know, I am an outsider in a lot of other ways. And so one of the important ways to rectify or address this head on for me was to always center the voices of the artist. And so their voices, whether it was in interviews, whether it was in the music, whether it was in various other archival sources, was to put their voices front and center and to recognize that as an academic, you are also always collaborating. You, as a historian, I should say, you're always collaborating with those in your study. And so I wanted to center their voices. But I also wanted to do a lot of listening. And I think in general, that's how we can move beyond, you know, outside of the Academy. I think that's one of the important elements of being part of any social movement. You know you have to know when to speak, and you have to know when to sit down and listen. And so a lot of my work, of course, centers around recordings, and I had to do a lot of listening. I spent a year and a half just doing archival work, listening to records between you know, the mid 1970s through to the mid 1990s. And just listening to what the artists were saying, what were their central concerns? How are they articulating themselves? What exactly were they articulating? You know, what were the social and political ideologies that emerged from that work? And what I found was that through their voices, rappers were using culture and Hip-hop culture, in particular, as a politically useful battleground to unmask persistent forms of coloniality in the afterlife of American slavery. And so I wanted to think about Hip-hop culture, not just in the moment of the late 20th century, but I wanted to think about how these artists were part of a long Black music tradition that connected back to the period of enslavement because I saw that there were patterns that were beginning to emerge, in terms of what they were saying, and how their commentary was connected to the commentary of their musical predecessors. And what I found was that as rappers began to embolden their consciousness in a variety of formats, whether it was about class and capitalism, or gender representation, or the life that they were experiencing as a racialized person in the United States - I found that Rap became a place where they were able as artists to transform dispositions of power by narrating to the American public through Rap music, in particular, that Blackness in the United States had been continuously framed in discourse as terrifying. Even while at the same time, Black people and Black communities broadly, were continuously subjected to not just racism, I, you know, in my work, I call it Anti-Black terrorism in the form of things such as police brutality, or vigilante violence that is enacted, you know, in communities, for example, between neighbors, as you know, as an example. And so in my work, I looked at how Rap music became a form of expression where Black artists who, you know, were not politicians, and you know, capital P politics, but where they can vocalize their demands about any number of issues, but also rupture dehumanizing discourses that had existed of Blackness prior to the late 20th century. And not just in that contemporary moment. And also, in doing so, reveal abuse of systems of power, and ultimately undermine prevalent myths that existed in the late 20th century about America being a nation that is colorblind - which, of course, you know, being that we're in the 21st century we know has continued, in terms of a practice. And so in my work, I begin by looking at how Hip-hop culture was initially constituted in terms of race, gender, and class identities. And then I proceed to think about how Hip-hop fared once local, state and federal governments responded to the various critiques that were coming out of Hip-hop culture, whether it was their reflections on mass incarceration and the war on drugs, or other issues, such as Anti-Black policing practices, strategies used in electoral politics, the way that the education system is shaped and how it impacts young Black people. And of course, capitalism and what impact it has in terms of the way that urban spaces are constituted, and the experiences of being poor in particular.

Jessica:  Wow. So what what I'm hearing is like, yeah, it's really a collaborative and reflective process with researching and working with the artists that are included in this research, and what comes out of it. I wanted to also just ask, and, you know, when you're doing this, what is the hope out of the research? Is that like established at the beginning with those that you collaborate with, or those who are part of doing this research what the hope of whatever is being created, what it's for, or what will come out of it?

Francesca:  I think that changes over the course of your research. You certainly have ideas about what you're hoping to achieve. But I think you know, primarily as a historian, we use the archive, you know, the power of the archive. And for me, part of my work also challenges the notion of the archives. Because in a lot of ways, the archive is shaped by colonial thinking and practices. And I wanted to think beyond the archive, beyond these institutional spaces that I think a lot of times, don't properly capture the voices of everyone in any given society. And so for me, I was using items that have yet to be archived, in part, because I'm doing a living history. So whether it was interviewing the actual artists, listening to their music, watching recorded performances, you know, reading their liner notes. I watched a lot of congressional hearings, you know, because I was thinking about the way that Rap was taken up at different levels of government. I think that over the course of my research, my hopes for the project changed in important ways. But I think once I reached the end point of the doctoral process, for me, there were really three things that I hoped people would take away from the research, I think. First, it was really important for me to highlight, through my work, the role of culture in the lives of young people because I think oftentimes, we forget that Hip-hop, the architects of Hip-hop, were teenagers. They were kids. And so one of the takeaway points is that Hip-hop became a powerful tool for young people who often in society, we tend not to listen to young people. We tend to discount their thinking, their observations, the way that they're taking the world in. And so for me, I wanted to really respect the knowledge of young people and the ways in which they use Hip-hop to critically analyze and in effect respond to systems of power that were really crushing them in the late 20th century. I think the second thing for me was that I really wanted to create a piece of work that presented nuanced readings of Hip-hop beyond what tends to happen in public discourse - which is that Hip-hop is often characterized as an art form that promotes violence and substance abuse and narrow representations of gender and sexuality. And I really wanted to create a piece that helps readers understand the nuances of Hip-hop. And not just the nuances but to treat the form with respect because I think Hip-hop culture has contributed a tremendous amount, not just to the United States, or to North America, but globally as well. And I think the third and perhaps for me, the most important point that I wanted to come across in my work was that I wanted people who are reading to understand is that rappers are knowledge producers. They are public intellectuals and they are entrepreneurs. And I think throughout the history of Hip-hop culture, whether we're talking about in the United States or elsewhere, these young people have time and time again demonstrated to the public their acute ability to think critically about the world that they inhabit. They have the ability to contextualize their experiences within much longer histories of race and power in particular. And I think in a lot of ways, Hip-hop offers us, not of course in all forms of Hip-hop, but certainly in a number of forms of Hip-hop or sub genres, it offers us a way to think forward about the societies that we live in and strategies that we can use to unravel, and when Hip-hop is at its very best, strategies to decolonize our current conditions. And I think that certainly applies to the U.S. as well as in other places across the globe.

Zoe:  I think um, that is such a, as we pretty much near the top of the hour here, that is such a kind of beautiful and hopeful message because that was kind of going to be my closing comments, last question to you about what is kind of like the - where is the hope in Hip-hop? And how, what do you think it can aspire to, particularly in this really challenging, you know, moment and when there's a lot of community trauma that is coming up and death and injustice and all kinds of stuff. So I think looking and positioning Canadian Hip-hop, Hip-hop writ large, and the people that are producing it as kind of knowledge keepers and cultural producers, as you just said, is really - it's not something that we often think about. We think about what those kind of, you know, high artistic practices that are from a European perspective that we've been told, like, these are the only things that are of value, right. And so as you said, sort of time and time again, I think Hip-hop has shown that it can produce a more informed and a more true reflection of what is going on and a true a count of history. So there's that kind of counter narrative, but it's also the best teacher about how to continue this decolonizing work.

Francesca:  Absolutely. I think especially in the contemporary moment, in terms of a number of our social justice concerns, I think Hip-hop is as much, you know, political commentator, as it is historian and that's why I find it such an interesting form. I think, in the current moment, with all that we're facing, Hip-hop, at least as I've seen, you know, when I've been looking at some of the musical contributions across 20, you know, the year 2020 – I've really been thinking about, you know, what are the benefits that we can draw from Hip-hop? You know, what does it teach us? What can we draw from it, whether we're in the academy or not? Because I think it teaches everyone in unique ways. But for me, you know, some of the things I've been thinking about is that I think one of the things that Hip-hop does is it continuously throughout its history has always connected the contemporary to the historical. You know, this is the way it is, a historian. So if I think about, you know, and I'm going to use some examples in hopes that also it will draw people to listen to these great recordings. But if I think about songs like 8:46 by Mr. Lif, who's associated with Eternia, but Mr. Lif and Stu Bangas - I think about how, you know, obviously, when you look at the title of the song, it's gesturing to the murder of George Floyd at the hands of police. But I think what the song also does for listeners is that it historicizes for listeners the ongoing dehumanization, incarceration, and brutalization of Black people in the United States at the hands of police and people in power, and contextualize it within a much longer history of enslavement and segregation. I think also in its function, as a historian, Hip-hop also helps young people who are on the ground, you know, as activists or  wherever they find themselves being socially engaged. It also teaches young people and society more broadly, about its connection to a much longer Black liberation struggle. So if we think about a song like Black Thought’s recent release, Thought vs Everybody - he helps listeners think about the different ideologies in Hip-hop and how they're connected to a much longer Black freedom movement, and more broadly, the Black radical tradition. So you know, the song has interspersed speech recordings from people like Marcus Garvey, who led the Pan Africanist movement, Black Panther Huey Newton, other folks like Amiri Baraka of the Black Arts Movement, Khalid Muhammad of the Nation of Islam, or, you know, literary giant, James Baldwin, and even prison abolitionist, Angela Davis, who, of course, has been in the news talking about abolishing the police or certainly cutting back their funding. But also, I think one of the things that Hip-hop has done in this particular moment is contextualize the uniqueness of 2020. So I think about, you know, because there have been many historical moments where we have seen similar instances of police brutality, but society has not always reacted in the way that they have reacted in 2020. So I think about songs like Lockdown by Anderson .Paak. And in that recording he talks a lot about the response of people, you know, protesters who are reacting, of course, to instances of police brutality. But what it means to do that in this unique moment of COVID-19. And I think, you know, one of the things that comes across in the song is that he's saying this is a moment of pause. And it's made people reflect on the brutality of policing in a way probably that they have not done for a long period of time, in terms of different cross sections of people. And they've done so in a way that thinks about Anti-Black policing alongside existing issues such as poverty, unemployment, and health disparities. You know, all of which have been exacerbated by the pandemic. But I think perhaps one of the most hopeful and yet still, you know, classic Hip-hop styles, critical ways of thinking that Hip-hop has continued to introduce to us in 2020 is to think critically about electoral politics and the role that that can play in transforming society, especially as the U.S. moves towards their upcoming federal elections. So I think about, you know, one of my favorite artists at the moment is Locksmith, who some people may not know, but he comes out of California. And so I think about a song like his recent release called Black Holocaust, or even, you know, one of my favorite groups, Public Enemy, who recently released a song called State of the Union. And when I think about these two songs in conversation, I think about how Hip-hop can also help us bring about a call to action to take electoral politics seriously and to consider the role that citizens can play in overturning structures of power. I think so often people think that their voices are not heard, and that there are avenues where their voices can be heard. And so songs like these help us think about the power of the vote, in particular, in the United States to cast out the current occupier, who, you know, who I will not name of the White House. You know, who I think Public Enemy, rightly, you know, frames him as a dictator and a fascist who should be feared in terms of what he has done in the US during the course of his presidency, but also the potentials of what he could do if re-elected to a second term. But what I think about the Locksmith song in particular, I also find it fascinating, you know, that while they're talking about electoral politics and what voting can do, Locksmith also articulates a very real and long standing distrust that racialized communities, not just the United States, but in other places as well, have had in terms of the relationship to the political system. Which he argues have continually failed to respond to the needs and demands of Black people. And so while he's certainly talking about electoral politics, he's also asking the public to consider the complexities of voting. And to be critical of both sides, you know, if especially in the United States where you know, so much of the conversation is about Republicans and Democrats, or Liberals and Conservatives. And he's certainly asking people to be critical, even of the Liberals, and especially Neo-liberals, who in a political campaign all tend to mobilize race in the conversation, in part to generate or recruit voters to the fold. And so he asks people to even think critically about whether those intentions are genuine or disingenuous. And to use that knowledge to press the candidates to speak to them in a genuine way. And ask them about what they need, and then to mobilize in that way to do that work for the communities that are putting them in office. So I think in 2020, Hip-hop is doing a lot of things for us. It's not just helping us learn about the contemporary. But it's also reminding us that this is a cyclical and continuous pattern, you know. The things that we're seeing before us, and that we need to always be critical, we need to question the society we're living in. And a lot of that involves taking pause and being reflective, which I think happens so often in the context of Hip-hop culture. And one of the reasons that as someone who loves Hip-hop and Rap music in particular, I'm so grateful for the artists that do that work.

Zoe:  I know in our last, one of our last conversations, you and I and Jessica had, we were talking a bit about basketball and the Vince Carter effect and Hip-hop and what the kind of convergence of like his rise and basketball and many of the Canadian Hip-hop artists as well as some U.S. artists that all of a sudden started to kind of take note of Toronto at that time. And I'm reminded of that, again, with the work that the NBA is doing around electoral reform, and how vocal they're being about that, the players, not the NBA as an association. But really important that that's one thing that bubbled up and then just another quick thing was just I love how this is obviously a moment for reflection and a moment for pause for all of us. And you're right in that the racial injustices and the murders and police brutality and all of that that has come to light is also being now looked at through the lens of all these other disparities, as you pointed out. You know, class and race and and ethnicity and everything else is being looked at. So it's a, I think, quite a unique moment. And my last comment to what you said was just kind of recognizing that for whatever reason, you know, at this moment, I feel like there is, a lot of people are drawing for a lot of the elder statesman voices of the Black Power movement. And you went through a few like Marcus Garvey. Recently, Angela Davis. Amiri Baraka, et cetera, and James Baldwin, and I think it's great that there is this both in education and a renaissance of those voices for new and like up and coming generations of people that are just kind of trying to understand this space that we’re in. That throw in a Langston Hughes and all kinds of other people that, you know, we could spend all day on those. So but I think it's great that they, they are getting kind of a second look. And it's hard. It's hard. You know, I feel hopeful when I see that, but I also feel very frustrated, because a lot of them are talking about things that were happening in their time, and we're talking about the same things, but on that note, I'll just ask Jess if you have any closing comments, before we wrap up?

Jessica:  Francesca, it's always great speaking with you. I think, you know, especially when you were talking about the power of Hip-hop in education, I think there's still a lot more that needs to be done in that regard as legitimising Hip-hop as a, you know, as something in the classroom, as a tool for engagement and self expression. And I think we see that in the work that we're trying to do here, but across the board I know even as a Hip-hop scholar, for yourself, I could assume that there, there's also barriers within that. Just the study of Hip-hop at the academic level in the PhD program, and some of the resistance and barriers there. So I think overall, like just Hip-hop in education is still something to continue to kind of - it's almost like you have to prove it and legitimize it because there's a lot of pushback against it. Thank you for sharing all of these songs that some of them I've never heard of. Yeah, so great conversation. So -

Braeden:  Could I ask a question? Is there time? Um, I think when a lot of us think of a historian, we just think of someone who exclusively deals in the past, but who better to look forward than someone who's well versed in the past. And so I'm curious, what are some things that you're seeing or noticing about, or like shifts or trends that are emerging in Hip-hop specifically in Canada?

Francesca:  Well, I think one of the songs actually that I was recently listening to is a song by an artist named TOBi, who I believe comes out of Brampton, if I'm correct. And it is a song called 24 Toronto Remix. And it features a number of Canadian artists - Shad, Jazz Cartier, and Haviah Mighty, who I think is one of the most powerful Toronto artists that we have right now. And I think one of the things that this song for me highlights is the shift, not just in Hip-hop, but in the general cultural conversation that we're having in Canada, is that these artists, and of course, you know, Hip-hop has been talking about structural oppression in relation to policing for a very long time, even when we're thinking about our Canadian artists, right? But this song in particular, I think what it does is it reminds the Canadian public, that Anti-Black policing is not merely an American issue. And I think this is a really important shift, especially as we're hearing you know, calls to defund the Toronto Police Services. Because I think so often when we tend to talk about race and oppression, and, you know, various disparities that are impacted, or are an outcome of racial disparities, I think so often we tend to think of that as an American problem, you know, and that we're the good neighbors to the north. That tends to be the prevalent master narrative or discourse. And through recordings like this, I think, Rap artists in particular, challenge the public again to think very critically about the way that Canada constitutes itself, both inside of its borders and projects itself internationally as a country that apparently does not have racial problems. Which, you know, is not true whether we study the history of Canada, or not. So we know this has certainly not been been the case, historically. The fact of the matter is, is that race continues to trouble Canada into the present day. And so these artists, I think, really put that conversation back on the table and force the Canadian public to treat this conversation seriously. And I think, in the Canadian context, this is a really important shift in the cultural conversation, because so often, you know, whether we're talking about in Canadian classrooms or in political discourse, there is a failure to really think critically about the ways that Canada treats racialized populations, whether we're talking about Black communities across the country, or in Indigenous communities as well. And to really think about Canada as a settler colonial nation. And this is the work I think that Canadian Hip-hop artists continue to do so powerfully. And in the larger context of Hip-hop, I think, really presses us to think about how all of these moments are connected to historical practices that continue to cycle moving forward. That said, I think that one of the things that has been so interesting to watch is to see the cross section of people who are coming into the fold. Who are deciding for themselves that they are committed to learning and understanding the issues and to doing something about that. And I think, you know, as an educator, one of the things that I often say to my students is that I don't like to punish people for not being in the conversation. But I do, once they are part of the conversation, I think it's important to honor the stage where every, you know, the stage in which everybody is at. Whether it's taking a class, reading a book, walking in the streets, you know, being part of an organization. However you find yourself involved and committed to the various social justice issues that are of concern to you. I think that as a society, we all have to work in our different lanes. And our contributions as a result will be different. But the more pressure that we collectively put on these systems that have power, the closer we'll get. And of course, it's incremental. That's one of the things that history teaches us - that change is always happening. Sometimes it's at a slower pace than we would like. But these incremental changes are going to move us closer to the world that we want to inhabit, if we're lucky to see that world. And, you know, some days, I'm a little, I'm a little less sure if that will happen in my lifetime. But I certainly know that with continuous work, I hope to leave this world in a better condition than which I arrived in it. And I think that's a goal that we should all be collectively striving towards. Thank you for the question. It was - thank you for all these questions. I'm so happy to spend time with you all. Really. I think that Hart House is doing a lot of great work around Hip-hop in particular and Hip-hop education. And, you know, kind of off of some of the comments, the closing comments that you all made, even though it has for so many people who do Hip-hop studies, it's been a struggle for us to legitimize our work in the academy, I think that we stand on the shoulders of a lot of academics before us. I think about people like Tricia Rose, Mark Anthony Neal, for example, all of whom have done, you know - and even here in Canada, Mark Campbell, Rinaldo Walcott - all of whom have done really important work, to create a space for those of us in these current generations of scholars who are committed to Hip-hop and legitimizing it as the source of knowledge. And you know, and we continue to do the same for people who will follow after us. So I think the path for hip, the path for Hip-hop cities is great. We just have to keep going. And I think the work that you all are doing it at Hart House is really important to legitimizing the study of Hip-hop and the role that it plays in the lives of the students that were committed to the role that it plays in their lives. And what it can teach us in the academy, because I think we can glean so much from Hip-hop, you know, whether it's talking about Rap music, or breakdancing, whatever the form is, there's so much that it gives us and so there's so much more to do. So thank you all for speaking with me today. I appreciate you.

Jessica:  Thank you to our guests, Dr. Francesca D'Amico-Cuthbert. Thank you to my co-host Zoe Dille. Thank you Braeden and Day for helping produce the show. And most of all, thanks to you, our listeners. We'd love to hear from you. You can find us on Instagram @harthousestories. You can also find more information around the Hip-hop Education events for the academic year at harthouse.ca or on social media @harthouseuoft. We're here every Saturday at 7am on CiUT 89.5 FM and we post all of our episodes under Hart House Stories on SoundCloud. Our intro outro music was composed by Dan Driscoll. I’m Jessica Rayne signing off as your host for today. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.

[walkerismychoice]

When I Taste Tequila

Book: The Elementalists

Pairing: Beckett X MC (Zoe Flynn)

Rating: PG-13 with some mature language and themes

A/N: This is an alternate universe fic request by @indubitablywrong. I’m purposely not revealing what the a/u is until the end to not give too much away

Tag List:  @tabithacarlisle @thatspicegirlssong @darley1101 @flyawayboo @drakewalkerfantasy @flowerpowell @itsstillnotwhatyouthink @jimmypagesandbrianmayshair @tmarie82 @choiceswreckedme @regina-and-happiness @blackcatkita @debramcg1106 @lizeboredom @boneandfur @llamasgrl

Word Count: 3139

“Okay, enough unpacking. We need to go out for drinks, right now.” Atlas insisted.

“But I start my internship early in the morning.” Zoe protested. “I’m not sure going out is such a good idea. Since when do you like being around people anyway? I think there are still a few beers in the fridge if you want.”

“No.” Atlas turned Zoe around and pushed her towards her bedroom. “We haven’t seen anything outside of these four walls the past two days, and I’m going back to Boston in the morning. Go get dressed, and let’s go!”

New Brunswick, NJ was not the most glamorous city for a new college graduate, but it was home to a prestigious chemical engineering internship program at one of the top pharmaceutical companies in the country. If it ended up working out, and she got a job there making real money, she could always move to the city and commute, but for now a modest apartment near work would have to do. Thankfully Zoe’s interviewers had mentioned a trendier establishment they often frequented so she an Atlas wouldn’t have to chance ending up in some crappy dive bar. Still, she figured the typical attire would be somewhat casual, so she went for her standard favorite skinny jeans and black crop top that always made her feel good about her appearance. She took down her messy bun and her brunette hair miraculously fell in uniform waves past her shoulders like she had purposefully spent time doing it. She dabbed on some lip gloss, fixed up her eye makeup, and was good to go. Atlas, unsurprisingly, remained in her usual uniform of worn out jeans, t-shirt, and leather jacket. Her silvery bob was the only feature that distinguished her from her from her identical twin, Zoe. Well, that and the almost constant resting bitch face Atlas wore. 

Heads turned as they walked into the moderately crowded bar as the patrons surveyed the newcomers, but everyone seemed to quickly lose interest and get back to their conversations. Zoe and Atlas found a small table in the corner where they sat and perused the drink menu. The decor was as expected - clean lines, dark wood, and pendant lights, and thankfully it didn’t reek like old cigarette smoke. Vintage beer signs were hung neatly across all the walls. The music was upbeat and good for dancing, but not so loud you had to yell to hear one another. 

Zoe and Atlas both ordered mojitos and nursed their drinks as the analyzed the other customers in the bar. People watching was one of their favorite past times.

"Those two," Atlas nodded towards a couple probably in their late twenties a few tables away, "....definitely on their first date."

“Judging from the overdone makeup on her and the amount of product in his hair, I’d say the same.” Zoe agreed.

“Plus her awkward fidgeting every time there’s a pause in the conversation...” Atlas added. “Ooh, and that group all seems pretty tight, except that overly stuffy one. He seems like he doesn’t want to be here.”

Zoe scanned the group of ten or so people in the adjacent corner and immediately picked out who Atlas was talking about. It was a guy about her age, maybe a couple years older. He was wearing dark gray dress pants, a medium blue dress shirt and a matching patterned tie, while the rest of the group was a mix of business casual and blue jeans. His chestnut hair was perfectly coiffed like it wouldn’t have moved if a hurricane rolled through, and he almost certainly smelled heavily of cologne. She could just tell. “He’s kind of hot but takes himself way too seriously. I’m guessing a group of coworkers out for happy hour and he got dragged along. He’s the dress for the job you want, not the one you have type. I bet he annoys the fuck out of everyone else.” Zoe took another sip of her drink and looked to Atlas waiting for her final analysis.

“I bet he’s also type who likes attractive brunettes with wavy hair and brown eyes.” Atlas replied with a smirk.

“What?” Zoe scrunched her face in confusion and glanced over catching his gaze briefly before he averted his eyes. 

“He was totally checking you out.” Atlas chuckled.

Zoe shook her head. “He’s probably just staring off wishing he was anywhere else but here.”

“Fine. Let’s test this out. Go up to the bar and order a drink and see if he walks up next to you,” Atlas encouraged. 

“What is this?” Zoe scoffed. “You trying to play matchmaker or something? I’ll go just to prove you wrong.” Zoe marched up to the bar and sat down, ordering another mojito, but only for herself. Atlas could order her own for putting Zoe up to this. The bartender finished making the cocktail and set it down, but the stool next to Zoe was still empty. She picked up glass and was about to go back to Atlas and declare victory, when she saw a figure out of the corner of her left eye. She inconspicuously turned her head, and sure enough it was him. Zoe looked back to her sister who was smiling smugly. Well at this point Zoe should stay a minute longer. Maybe it was just a coincidence and he needed a drink. Atlas could still be wrong.

The guy caught the bartender’s attention. “I’ll just have a water please.”

A water? Okay there’s no way he came up to the bar while I’m sitting her just because he needed a water. She hated being wrong when Atlas was right enough not to worry about what she was going to do now that this pretentious looking guy was potentially trying to make a move on her. She had to admit that he was even better looking up close, and although she was totally right about the cologne, she actually liked the smell. She grasped the cup in her hands and stared into it, waiting to see what would happen next, but nothing happened. They both sat in silence as what felt like an eternity passed but was probably only a couple minutes. Zoe finally gave in and swiveled her barstool in his direction. “So are we going to sit in silence, or are you going to introduce yourself to me?”

“Wha-” It was difficult to tell in the dim light, but she thought she may have seen the tips of his ears turn red. “Oh, um, hello. I’m Beckett.” he extended a hand to her.

She was taken aback by his formality, but she went with it, shaking his hand and echoing his tone. “Hello Beckett, I’m Zoe.”

“Pleased to meet you, Zoe. So...uh,do you frequent this establishment?”

Zoe groaned internally. It was like he was reading out of a book of bad pick-up lines, but in his own geeky language. For as self-assured as he appeared from afar, he was nothing like that in front of her now. She couldn’t decide if his awkwardness was cute or just weird. “Is that supposed to be you hitting on me? You are going to have to do better than that.”

“I wasn’t-” Beckett sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t normally do this as you can probably tell.”

“And what exactly are you doing?” Zoe bit back a smile. She never typically felt like she had the upper hand with hot guys like him, so she was enjoying watching him squirm.

“Well, your smile captivated me from across the room and I thought you might be someone I’d like to get to know a bit better,” Beckett admitted.

“Huh,” Zoe tilted her head to the side trying to figure him out, but she also felt a bit of warmth rush to her cheeks. “You are a different one Beckett. Most guys would just say they thought I was cute or they liked my ass.”

This time there was a definite blush across his entire face before he cleared his throat. “Not to sound cliche, but I’m not like most guys.” 

Coming from anyone else, Zoe might think this was another line, but she could sense Beckett was clearly unique, and she couldn't help but be intrigued by him. Still, that didn't mean she was going to go easy on him, "That's what they all say," she teased, but then she when she saw his expression of self-doubt she took pity on him. "I was just messing around, Beckett. For the record, I think your smile is captivating as well. You should show it more often." He seemed genuinely pleased by the compliment, but still a bit stiff and uncomfortable. "That's it, no more water for you." She flagged down the bartender again. "Two - no make that four shots of tequila with some extra salt and limes on the side."

"Zoe, that's quite alright. I'm good with water," Beckett insisted.

Zoe eyed him discerningly. "You aren't in AA or anything are you?"

"No, I drink occasionally, but it's work night and I have to get up at five am for my daily yoga meditation-" he paused and exhaled loudly. "Okay, I see that look on your face. At least let me pay."

She wanted to protest, but who was she kidding? She was broke and was going to be working for peanuts at her internship. From the looks of his apparel, Beckett could most certainly afford it. "Don't think this means I'm going to put out for you though."

Beckett's eyes went wide. "That's not why I off-" He chuckled. "You are teasing me again aren't you?" He picked up a shot glass and handed it to her. Her fingers brushed his in the exchange, maybe intentionally, but he also held on a moment longer than necessary. He raised his own glass and locked his steely gray eyes on hers.

Zoe felt a spark of electricity between them and her heart started to flutter. "Cheers!" She swiftly picked up her shot to break the tension, licked the salt off, and clinked it against his, the liquid burning her throat as she poured it down. She bit down on her lime wedge to cut the taste, and Beckett did the same. He looked a little bit adorable as he scrunched his nose and puckered his lips at the mix of sour and bitter flavors. "Not much of a tequila drinker are you?" 

Beckett shook his head. “No, I usually stick with wine, maybe an occasional scotch.”

“Yeah, I’m typically a wine or beer girl myself,” Zoe admitted. “I don’t really go for hard liquor unless it’s in a fruity drink.”

“Then why are we doing shots of tequila?” Beckett inquired with a hint of judgement in his tone. “Did you assume that’s what I would like?”

“Nope. You just seemed like you could stand to let loosen up a bit,” she replied. 

“That probably could have also been achieved with drinks we actually like to drink.”

Zoe was starting to lose her courage for the next part now that she realized she might actually be into this guy. It was more than just a game now, but she decided to go for it anyway. She didn’t care if it was a cheesy party trick that should have been left behind in college. “Maybe, but drinking tequila shots can be a whole lot more fun than drinking other drinks. Have you ever done body shots?”

“What? No!” Beckett looked at her like she had two heads. “I thought people only did that in movies.”

Zoe chuckled. “See, this is exactly why I’m suggesting it. I can tell there are likely many youthful indiscretions you missed out on, but it's not too late. You’re what, twenty three?”

“Twenty Four. I think the window has passed.” He tried and failed to keep a straight face.

“I knew you wouldn’t pass up the chance to lick salt off of me. I’ll go first. Where do you want my mouth?”  

“I...uh...” Zoe took slight satisfaction in the fact that the blushing, bumbling Beckett was back. “Why don’t you pick?”

“Alright then.” Zoe loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top two buttons on his dress shirt, and his breath quickened. “Can’t go wrong here.” She poured a small amount of salt in the dip of his collarbone and stuck a lime wedge in his mouth. Beckett stilled as if bracing himself for what was to come. Her mouth descended on him and she suctioned her lips to his skin almost hard enough to leave a mark as she licked him clean, only letting go after a soft whimper escaped his throat. Objective number one completed. She threw back the tequila without tasting it and then carefully bit into the flesh of the lime, avoiding any contact between their lips. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to kiss him. She wanted to very much, but she was leaving that up to him. She pulled back and let the lime drop into her shot glass. “You survived. Congratulations!”

“That actually wasn’t terrible.” Zoe assumed in Beckett terms that meant somewhere near spectacular.  “I suppose I should take my turn now. Not that I want to be unoriginal, but the collarbone really is the optimal location to place the salt. May I?”

She found his nerdy formality oddly sexy. “Please do.” She tilted her head to the side and pulled her hair away to grant him better access. She picked the lime out herself, choosing the smallest one to give better odds their lips would meet. Beckett lowered his head slowly and then gently traced his tongue over her salted skin sending a shiver down her spine. Although she enjoyed it, his timidness didn’t bode well for her second objective, but time would tell. Beckett drank his tequila, hesitated, and then slipped his hand behind her head, drawing her in closer to him. He didn’t even bother biting down on the lime, bypassing it completely to get to her lips. His were soft and warm, tasting of citrus and salt. They passed the lime back and forth with their tongues, Beckett breaking the kiss when he gained possession one last time, finally completing his task. 

He smiled confidently. “How did I do?”

Fucking amazing, Zoe thought but wouldn’t say that out loud. “Not bad, but a little more practice wouldn’t hurt. Should we order more?”

Beckett looked at his watch. “As fun as that was, it is getting late and I’ll barely get five hours of sleep as it is.”

“Shit!” Remembering she was there with her sister for the first time, Zoe looked back to their table but Atlas wasn’t there. She pulled her phone out of her purse and was relieved to see a text:

Got bored and went back to your place. You looked to be in capable hands😉 

“Everything okay?” Beckett asked with genuine concern.

“Yes, but you are right. It is late, I have to get up early too.”

“Let me walk you out.” Beckett stood and offered her a hand up. All the alcohol consumed seemed to hit her at once as she got to her feet and she stumbled. Beckett braced her arm and led her outside. 

Zoe was a little more drunk than she thought. Those mojitos must have been strong. Despite her better judgement, which was long out the window at this point, she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Beckett just yet. She pulled him around the corner into an alleyway and pushed him up against the wall. She kissed him hard and he gave in without putting up much of a fight. She pressed her hips into him and could feel he was already hard. One night stands and public sex were not her style, but she wanted him so bad in that moment. She trailed her hands all the way down his chest and started to unbuckle his belt.

Beckett pushed her away suddenly. “What are you doing Zoe? I mean - it’s not that I don’t want that, but not like this. Not here when you’re probably not thinking clearly. I’ll order an Uber for you.”

Zoe was immediately much more sober and thoroughly embarrassed. “No really, don’t worry about it, I can walk. It’s not that far.”

“Please, I insist. What’s you address?” Beckett plugged the information into his phone and a car was there within minutes, but not a moment too soon to break their awkward silence. “Why don’t I come with and make sure you get inside okay?”

“That’s not necessary. I can take care of myself.” She huffed. She wasn’t upset with him, just mad at herself, but it probably didn’t come off that way. 

“At least give me your number so I can make sure you made it home.” Beckett pleaded.

“Beckett, let’s just forget about all of this. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.” Before he could protest, she got into the car and locked the door. She wasn’t sure, but she may have seen Beckett slip the driver some extra cash. New Brunswick wasn’t a big city, but big enough that she hoped she wouldn’t have to run into him again.

~~~~~

Zoe walked into the building her first day hungover as fuck with a raging headache. She hoped she at least looked a little better than she felt. She was dressed the part, and her hair was clean at least. She prayed the smell of alcohol wasn’t still oozing out of her pores, but she was most definitely sober. 

“Zoe, Welcome!” She was greeted by the hiring manager Annette. “Here’s your name badge. You are going to be working under one of our Senior Chemical Engineers. Why don’t you have a seat. I’ll go get him,and you two can go from there.”

As the minutes ticked by she had nothing to do but think - think about how she had ruined a great evening by trying to have sex in an alley with a guy she just met. Who even was she was last night? Then to top it off she freaked out on him even though he was still being nothing but kind and concerned about her. “Deep breaths.” She muttered to herself. Time to erase all that from her memory and focus on her new beginning.  She stood up and smoothed out her clothing as she hear footsteps approaching around the corner. They were still a good distance away when she spotted him, but he looked very familiar, and she felt the color drain from her face. 

Annette smiled warmly. Zoe, I’d like to introduce you to one of our senior chemical engineers and your mentor for the duration of your internship, Beckett Harrington.”

So much for never seeing him again. 

End

Note: The theme of this alternate universe request was boss/intern. I didn’t want to do a traditional boss/intern story where the girl falls for the guy in a position of power over her, so this was the result.

[pikapeppa]

Abelas/Lavellan modern AU: Competent Professional

Chapter 2 of Inadvisable (professor Solas AU) is up on AO3!

In which Athera Lavellan starts her new research coordinator job with Professor Abelas on the wrong right foot.

Adorable art by my elf-lusting partner in crime @elbenherzart​!

~3000 words; read on AO3 instead.

- ATHERA -

Athera ran all the way from the apartment to the University of Orlais. Thankfully, it was only a twenty-minute walk, and by running she was able to cut the travel time almost in half. Still, showing up at her new job all sweaty and out of breath had not exactly been her plan. 

She skidded to a stop in front of the history building and paused and to catch her breath. When she was no longer huffing and puffing like a bronto, she straightened up and smoothed back her hair. “Okay,” she muttered to herself. “You can do this. You’re a competent professional woman. They hired you for a reason.” No matter that she’d never actually worked as a research coordinator before. 

Sure, she’d done all the duties of a research coordinator during the last couple years of working in Professor Kenric’s lab at Kirkwall University, but technically she’d still been a research assistant and not the coordinator, even if Kenric’s actual coordinator had been useless most of the time. 

Athera squared her shoulders. I’m done with that, she told herself. I’m the coordinator now. She would be taking her new job super seriously, and she wasn’t going to be forcing any of the research assistants to do her work for her. 

“You’ll be the best research coordinator Professor Abelas has ever had,” she told herself quietly. She quickly checked her watch — two minutes to spare, thank the Creators — and thus boosted, she made her way up the stairs and into the history building. 

She headed down the east wing, following the shiny new signs for the Ancient Elvhen Studies program. The program was relatively new at the University of Orlais, having only been established about five years ago. Even in that short time, it had become both famous and controversial. The Ancient Elvhen Studies program was technically part of U of O’s history department, but even that placement had been something of a controversy since the program encapsulated a range of disciplines including history, art, literature, and even traditional healing. 

When the University of Arlathan had finally agreed to collaborate with U of O, the Dean had originally wanted the program to be part of the school of fine arts. But Athera had heard that Professor Solas, Nare’s new supervisor, had insisted that they be situated in the department of history, and had refused to work at U of O unless the placement was made. 

Athera had also heard that Professor Solas had a reputation for being… mercurial, for lack of a better word. Aside from his impressive credentials and his famous fresco work, there was shockingly little personal information about him on the internet. Student reviews fluctuated between compliments like ‘he knows the answer to everything even though he’s an arts prof’ and complaints such as ‘he never gives an A’, studded with a few scathing reports that he could be a downright asshole when people asked questions that he thought were stupid. 

But Professor Solas wasn’t the one that Athera was worried about. Professor Abelas, the program’s director and the head professor of literature and history, was the one that Athera would be directly answering to, and he was the one that she most wanted to impress. 

She still remembered their phone interview with a certain amount of trepidation. She was pretty sure she hadn’t said anything stupid, and she’d made sure to not talk too fast so she didn’t sound nervous, but Abelas’s tone still sounded faintly disapproving the whole time. 

Maybe that’s just how he always sounds, she thought. She hoped that he didn’t always sound that way, since it wouldn’t  exactly be fun to work with someone who always sounded slightly disappointed with everything she said.

In any case, it was sure to be an interesting job.

A minute later, she was facing the door to the Ancient Elvhen Studies lab. She took a deep breath — you’ve got this, you’re a competent professional, she told herself — then pushed open the door. 

The lab space was pretty standard university fare: a main area with a large meeting table, filing cabinets and heavily laden bookshelves around the edges of the wall, a couple of impressively tidy common-workspace desks, and a small kitchenette. Two short hallways branched off of the main room toward the east and west, and there were three people sitting at the meeting table: two elves, and to Athera’s surprise, a dwarf. 

They looked up at Athera’s entry. Athera smiled and tried not to look awkward. “Hi there,” she said. “I’m Athera, the new research coordinator.”

The petite elven woman hopped up from her seat. “Oh, another Dalish, how lovely!” she chirped. “Andaran atishan! Come on in, Professor Abelas will be expecting you, he’s just in his office.” She hurried around the table with her hand outstretched. “I’m Merrill, and this is Tamlen and Dagna. I’m in the fourth year of my PhD, and Tamlen is – oh, but listen to me babbling!” She patted her cheeks nervously. “You two should introduce yourselves!”

Tamlen chuckled and nodded a greeting to Athera. “Nice to meet you. I’m a part-time research assistant, doing my undergrad the rest of the time.”

Dagna waved cheerily to her. “I’m a PhD student too. Second year.”

Athera was already feeling more relaxed; they all seemed so nice. “Nice to meet all of you,” she said. “Are you Abelas’s students?”

Tamlen smirked, and Dagna let out a tinkling laugh. “Oh no, Professor Abelas doesn’t supervise students. Solas is our supervisor.”

Athera raised her eyebrows. “Abelas doesn’t supervise students?”

Merrill shook her head. “No. Too busy teaching and being the director, he says.”

Athera raised an eyebrow. “But he’s a tenured professor. How can he be tenured and not supervise students?”

Merrill, Dagna and Tamlen exchanged glances, and Merrill replied. “We don’t really know, to be honest. Professor Abelas runs the department and Professor Solas does the supervisor duties.”

Athera frowned. “That’s… really weird.”

“It has been working well since this program began,” a deep male voice said.

A hard stone dropped into Athera’s gut. Damn, she thought. She looked up at the east hallway to see a tall elven man standing there with his arms folded. 

He was surprisingly built for an academic, with broad muscular shoulders that his tweed blazer didn’t quite manage to hide. An impeccable white braid coursed down his back — probably the style in Arlathan, Athera thought, since it certainly wasn’t a look she’d ever seen in Orlais — and he was very handsome. 

Or he would be, if he wasn’t scowling at her. Unfortunately for Athera, his expression was just as disapproving as his smooth voice. 

She swallowed hard. You’re a professional woman, she told herself. Even if you insulted his management style right in front of him. She offered him what she hoped was a professional smile. “You must be Abelas,” she said, and she took a step toward him. “I’m Athera, the research coordinator.”

“It is Professor Abelas,” he said. “Come this way. I will orient you to the lab.” He unfolded his arms and raised his eyebrows at Merrill, Dagna and Tamlen. “You have introduced yourselves?”

“Yes, professor,” Tamlen said. 

Abelas nodded, then gestured for Athera to follow him and headed for the west hallway without stopping to check that she was following. 

Damn and double damn, Athera thought gloomily. She forced herself not to look at Merrill and the others as she followed Abelas down the west hallway. 

He gestured at a few closed doors. “These are graduate student offices,” he said brusquely. “A meeting room here for interviewing research participants. That room is the private library, including hard copies of research articles from the past ten years that are awaiting digitization and proper indexing.” He shot her a hard look. “Managing that will be one of your duties.”

“I’m aware,” she said, a bit more sharply than she intended.

His frown deepened slightly, and Athera forced herself to relax. “I’ll make that a priority,” she said in a softer tone. 

He nodded, then pointed at a polished oak door at the end of the hall. “Professor Solas’s office is there.” He gestured for her to exit the hallway, and she obediently headed back down the hall toward the east hallway instead, with Abelas — sorry, Professor Abelas — at her back. 

She tried to think of something intelligent to say, some sort of question that would make it clear that she knew her duties here, but her tongue was tied with awkwardness. Professor Abelas was so silent and stern, and his height was kind of intimidating, making her feel as though he was towering over her as he followed her down the hall. 

When they were in the east hallway once more, he broke the tense silence. “More graduate student offices here. An archive of Elvhen artifacts is in this room, which is kept locked at all times.” He pursed his lips before going on. “I will give you a key by the end of the week. In the meantime, you will ask me if you require access to that room.” 

Athera frowned slightly. Why was he reluctant to give her access to the artifact room? She would need free access to all of these rooms if he wanted her to do her job properly. 

“My office is at the end of this hall,” he said. He gestured for her to follow him. “You should check with me before making any significant changes to the way things are run here.” 

“I understand,” she said cautiously. She followed him into his office, which – unsurprisingly – was spotlessly clean and tidy. Austere, almost.

He sidled around his desk and pointed to a large whiteboard calendar on the wall, which was meticulously colour-coded. “Professor Solas and I have a shared calendar here. Our teaching schedules and monthly meetings are updated here, so you will know where we are at all times.”

“Why don’t you use an online calendar?” she asked.

His pale eyebrows rose slightly. “Excuse me?”

“An online calendar,” she said. “So you can share it between you and update it on your, um, on your phones…?” She trailed off at the deepening of his frown.

“Professor Solas and I have a system that has worked for over a decade,” he said. “We will continue to do it this way.”

She pressed her lips together, then nodded. If he wanted to live in the Exalted Age and use a whiteboard calendar, that was his prerogative.

He rested his fingertips lightly on his desk. “The students similarly use a whiteboard calendar to coordinate the use of the meeting room and other resources.”

Athera raised her eyebrows. “Okay, well, that just makes no sense. That has to change.”

Abelas recoiled slightly, but Athera pressed on. “Students’ schedules are changing all the time. With exams and deadlines, a shared online calendar only makes sense so they can input any changes immediately and have notifs — uh, notifications — to alert everyone to the changes. I’ll set that up immediately.”

“I did not give you leave to make such a change,” he said sharply.

“It’s a simple change that will streamline everyone’s schedules and increase the efficiency of your lab,” Athera insisted.

“That’s not how things are done here,” he retorted.

His tone was hard, and he was scowling at her now. The look on his face was making her heart race, but she inhaled slowly through her nose to keep her calm.

You’re a competent professional, she told herself. You might not have a fancy PhD and a post-doc and an entire lab under your belt, but you’re a professional too, damn it. 

She boldly lifted her chin. “You hired me to manage the research projects in your lab and to take over a number of your administrative duties. Isn’t that right?”

He folded his arms. “That was indeed the job description.”

“If that’s my job, why don’t you trust me to do it?”

“You lack experience,” he said, to her surprise and dismay. “And besides, hiring you was not my choice. Professor Solas insisted that I required… assistance.”

Athera recoiled slightly at this. “Well, I’m not here to be your assistant,” she said firmly. “I’m not here to just do what you tell me. I’ll evaluate the way your lab is managed, and when I’m finished doing that, I’ll tell you how I think things should change.”

He glared at her. His unusual golden eyes were practically sparking now, his long elegant fingers tense on the surface of his desk, and Athera forced herself to breathe through her anxiety as she stared into his eyes.

He finally grunted and sat in his chair. “Fine. But you will change nothing without consulting me first.”

She exhaled slowly. “I’ll check everything with you for the first two weeks. You should let me use my judgment after that.”

He narrowed his golden eyes. “You are making a great number of demands considering that it is your first day here.”

And you’re being an ass, considering that it’s my first day, she thought belligerently, but she kept that salty thought to herself. “I’m just trying to do my job,” she said evenly. “A job that you hired me for, whether you wanted to or not.” She gave him a knowing look. “I’m going to make your life easier, you know.”

“That remains to be seen,” he said. He reached for his mouse and started clicking around on his computer. “I look forward to the results of your… evaluation.”

His tone was dripping with disdain. What in the Void was his problem with her? 

“I’ll get to work, then,” she said. She shifted her bag on her shoulder, then realized something: she needed someplace to put her things, and to, well, do her job. 

“Where’s my office?” she said.

“Ah,” he said. “An oversight. Here.” He opened a desk drawer and pulled out a key, then held it out to her. 

She approached the desk and held out her hand, and Abelas placed the key in her palm. “The office next to this one is yours,” he said.

Of course it is, she thought glumly. Of course her office had to be right next to the grumpy director’s. 

“Thank you,” she said. She took a step back, then toyed idly with the key for a moment. This whole meeting had been unfortunately antagonistic so far, and Athera didn’t want to leave it on such a sour note.

She decided to try to lighten the mood a bit. “If we’re going to be neighbours, I hope you don’t mind music,” she said. 

A crease appeared between his brows. “Excuse me?”

“Music,” she said. “I listen to music all the time. It helps me to think. I, um, hope you don’t mind.”

His frown deepened. “What sort of music?”

“Dance music, mostly,” Athera said. “Pop, too, though I like more of the indie stuff.”

“Dance and pop music,” he repeated. 

He was staring at her now as though she’d grown qunari horns. She could feel her face prickling with discomfort. Why had she even bothered trying to lighten the mood with him? He clearly didn’t have a humorous bone in his body. 

She tried for a smile. “I’ll keep the volume down for now.” 

“That would be for the best,” he said.

She nodded and awkwardly backed out of his office. “Thanks for the orientation, Abelas. Professor Abelas,” she said hastily. 

He nodded. Already his eyes were on his computer screen, and Athera blew out a breath as she started unlocking her new office door. 

“Athera,” he called.

For some reason, a shiver traced down her spine at the sound of her name in his voice. She’d never heard her name before in an Arlathani accent, with the soft vowels and the gently rolled r. 

She swallowed hard and poked her head back in his office. “Yes?”

“Close the door behind you,” he said.

His eyes were still on his monitor. Athera frowned at his bluntness, then pulled his door shut without replying. 

Ass, she thought. She opened her office and put her bag on the desk next to the computer, then draped her coat over the chair and trudged down the hall back to the main area.

Merrill and Dagna were still there, and their faces were sympathetic. “Don’t worry,” Dagna said soothingly. “His bark is much worse than his bite.”

“I cried on my first day here,” Merrill confided. “During my whole first week, actually. I have an extra box of tissues in my desk if you need them.”

Athera chuckled. “Thanks, but I’m okay. I’m just going to jump right in and get to work.”

Merrill beamed at her. “That’s the spirit! And it really is exciting to work here. The artifacts they have in the back room are just amazing! I’m doing my thesis on one of them, actually, on the broken eluvian that was found in the Brecilian forest ten years ago. That’s one of the reasons that the professors came to Orlais, you know, so they could work with U of O on the eluvian project — oh, but you probably know that already…”

“I do,” Athera said. “But I’m just as interested as you are, so you can tell me all about it.”

Merrill did a little hop. “Wonderful! Well, it was shattered, as you know, and I was actually part of the archeological party who went out to the forest two years ago to recover more of the pieces! Creators, I tell you, it was such an amazing trip…” 

Merrill chattered on cheerfully about the eluvian, and Athera listened with one ear, but the rest of her mind was on Abelas and his bad attitude. The way he spoke to her was so unkind, like he thought she was just here to mess everything up. And the way he frowned at her with that scowl on his annoyingly handsome face, like she wasn’t qualified to make any changes to his precious lab…

He’ll see, she thought stubbornly. He’ll see how much more smoothly things will run here once I’ve gotten settled in. Athera was a competent professional woman, after all. She was absolutely qualified to do this job, and in no time, she’d learn the way the lab was run and she’d make it so efficient that Abelas would be sorry he ever doubted her. 

I’ll show him, she thought. She was going to make this lab the most efficiently run place in the department of history, and Abelas wouldn’t remember what his life was like without her. 

[emeraldwaves]

Title: What We Lack Part 16 Pairing:  Kacchako, Deku/Melissa, Todomomo Rating: T Word Count: 4,730 Read on Ao3 Summary:  

Quirkless.

They’re the last people anyone expects to have a child without a quirk.

Neither of them can fully wrap their heads around it, but Ochako knows Katsuki is struggling far more than her.

Thank you to @its-love-u-asshole and @amaisenshi for reading this over and letting me freak out always.

"So you feel better then?" Kazu asked, slipping his fingers under the straps of his backpack. He draped it over the back of his chair and began packing up his books.

"I guess," Sayuri shrugged.

"That wasn't very confident," Kazu snorted.

"I got him to say sorry to your dad, and he told me a lot of things he'd never told me before," she admitted. "So yeah, I feel better."

"Good!" Kazu smiled, turning back around to grab his notebook. "I was working on some things with my mom this weekend and I think you're going to love them!" Kazu flipped through the pages, the paper brushing against his fingers

"Yeah," she chuckled, peering over at the notebook.

Things were better, true. She didn't think her father was looking at her strangely and she did appreciate him apologizing to Deku.

She just wished she could believe in herself more. It was odd. Her father believed in her; she understood that now more than ever. And yet she still couldn't shake the feeling she was absolutely useless without a quirk.

"Sayuri?"

"Huh?" she blinked, glancing over at Kazu.

"I asked what you thought of this design. It's for Chargebolt!"

"O-Oh!" she said, shaking her head as she glanced down at the notebook. "I'm sorry, I was spacing out."

Kazu narrowed his eyes and slammed the book shut. "Alright, that does it. We're gonna go do something fun!"

"Eh?!" Sayuri said, her cheeks heating up. "What do you mean something fun?!"

"I dunno! We're gonna go... get some ice cream or something!" he laughed. "Ah..." he mumbled. "Uhm... if you want to."

Sayuri rolled her eyes, leaning forward to poke his forehead. "You dork," she snorted. "Of course I want to. But... Shouhei is coming to dinner tonight so I gotta get back for that. I mean you could probably come if you wanted."

"W-Well I wouldn't want to impose. Knowing Aunty Ocha, she'll want to have some private family time," he stammered, rubbing over his arm.

"Kazu you're practically family, please," she snorted. "You don't have to be sensitive about it."

"I'm… I'm not being sensitive!" he exclaimed, waving his hand up and down quickly.

Admittedly, being around Kazu always made her feel slightly more at ease. Nothing was wrong with her, he often reminded her of that, just by being himself. She was lucky to know him... and she was happy they could go to the same school.

Silently, she wondered what would happen when they both reached high school. Kazu was looking to go to U.A. for the support track.

Sayuri had no idea what she wanted to do. She wanted to help Melissa and stay with Kazu, which ultimately meant attending U.A for their support program, but... Sayuri didn't know if she wanted to go U.A.

She could hear what they would say about her, the whispers in the halls she already experienced only getting worse.

 Why is Uravity and Ground Zero's quirkless daughter attending U.A.?! She doesn't even have a quirk.

 Uravity and Ground Zero must be so disappointed their daughter can only do the support track.

 At least they have one functional son.

 She only got accepted because of her parents, she never would've if she was just some random quirkless girl.

"Sayuri?"

"Yes," she said, turning to Kazu once again, trying to shake her awful thoughts.

"You... don't look ready?" he said, tilting his head.

"What?" she asked.

"I asked if you were ready to head out."

"Oh..." she said, realizing she was very much the opposite of ready to leave. She was still sitting in the chair, backpack completely open.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kazu asked, leaning down towards her.

Gently pushing his face, she shook her head. "Don't be an idiot, Kazu!" she scoffed. "I'm totally fine."

"You know, my Dad always says people who aren't fine, say they're totally fine," Kazu teased, a gentle smirk pulling across his lips.

Sayuri rolled her eyes and grabbed her backpack, stomping out of the classroom. "Why can't you just let it be?" she snapped, making her way down the hall.

"Because," Kazu muttered, "you're my best friend and I don't like to see you all spacey like this. Are you sure everything is okay with you and your dad?"

She sighed, grabbing the doors to the front entrance to head out. She really didn't want to talk about this, or think about it. She still had two more years of middle school before she really had to make any long term decisions. But U.A. constantly glared at her, staring her smack in the face. Her brother was there now and everyone talked about it in relation to her parents. Even Kazu would mention it from time to time.

"Yeah," she nodded. "It's not him. I... really do feel better about him," she said. "I just... ugh... I don't wanna talk about this," she growled, stomping away from the school.

Kazu twisted his lips. "S-Sorry..." he muttered. "I didn't mean to make you mad..." He rubbed his arm and let out a gentle sigh. "I always do that..."

"Oh stop it," she snorted and punched his arm. "You didn't make me mad. It just... it just sucks okay? Don't you ever get... annoyed when people look at you because your Dad is this amazing hero and they all expect you to do the same thing?"

Kazu blinked. "I... never really thought about it!" he laughed. "I mean don't get me wrong, people say stuff like that all the time. They ask me why I don't want to be a hero," he chuckled. "I was at an interview with my parents one time... and they brought me out even though I was just supposed to watch and I totally froze up and could barely get two words out."

"Yeah," Sayuri snorted. "I remember seeing that on T.V. Total disaster," she nudged him.

"Yeah thanks," he sighed. "I tried to tell them hero work wasn't for me, but the guy even made a comment that I probably would change my mind. Of course my Mom set that straight." Kazu began to laugh. "I kinda laugh at it now. I mean, it doesn't matter. I'm not changing my mind. I see how hard my Dad pushes himself, physically, mentally... he's amazing, but... I can tell I don't want that."

"Right," Sayuri nodded. "So you just ignore everyone else."

"Heh... basically, yeah!" he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

Jealousy rolled through her spine. "I wish it were that easy."

"It'll get easier," Kazu said. "I think when we get older... they won't care as much. Or... that's kinda my hope."

"Yeah," Sayuri scoffed. "That's definitely mine too. I'm sure I'll figure it out."

"You will!" Kazu smiled. "And don't worry, I'll be right here with you to help! I-If you need it!"

"Of course," she snorted. The problem was... Kazu had no desire to be a hero. It was easy for him to ignore everything they said because deep down he didn't care.

Sayuri however, wanted to be a hero more than anything and the desire burned deep within her core. She just wished she knew how to let it go.

~~

Standing outside of his house, Shouhei bounced up and down on his feet. "It's okay. Okay, okay, okay..." he muttered, stretching up. It was just dinner. He had dinner with his parents all the time. This wasn't going to be any different.

Even if he did plan on telling them about his relationship with Yuuta.

Just the thought made him nervous as all hell. He couldn't pinpoint why. His parents were never judgmental, at least not about that. He'd made a pact with Yuuta; they would both tell their parents about their relationship before the sports festival... and since it was coming up in just a few weekends, he was running out of time.

It would be fine though. He knew it would. It had to be.

He sighed, putting the key into the slot as he turned the door, already hearing laughing coming from the kitchen.

"Mom, you know Dad is going to be mad..." He could hear Sayuri's loud voice echoing from down the hall.

"That's nothing new," Shouhei called out, dropping his bag by the door. "What's he going to be mad about this time?" he asked, walking around the corner to the kitchen. Of course, the second he did, he knew exactly what his father would be mad about.

His mother was desperately scrubbing at the stove, the water in the sink running loudly. "I didn't realize the pot was going to boil over!" she said. "If I get it clean before he gets here, neither of you are to tell your father."

"Dad has... a weird intuition about these kind of things," Sayuri said. "Even if we don't tell him... I think he's going to know."

"Shit," Ochako cursed and both of the children laughed.

"Language, Mom," Shouhei teased, as she often said to them.

"Oh please," she snorted and turned around to give him a hug. "I was just so excited you were coming home for dinner tonight."

Sayuri clicked her tongue, leaning her head against her hand. "You should've seen her earlier when she was getting ready. I think she scared Kazu away."

"Mom," Shouhei said, taking the sponge from her as he moved his hand around her to finish cleaning up the mess she created. "Go sit down. I'll fix it. Dad is far less likely to get angry at me than he is you."

"Okay, okay," she sighed, stepping back.

As if on cue, the door slammed open loudly. "Ochako!" Katsuki snapped from down the hall. "What did you do to my kitchen?!"

"E-Eh?!" Ochako froze at the table. "Which one of you told on me?" she whined and stared at her husband coming angrily down the hall.

"Shou!" he snapped. "What did your mother do?"

"How do you even know she did something?" Sayuri asked.

"I can smell it," he growled. "It smelled like shit was burning all the way outside!"

Shouhei couldn't help but laugh, especially when his mother hung her head with such shame.

"I swear, I just wanted to do something nice for Shou!" she said, letting her head drop onto the table.

"We've talked about this so many goddamn times. You are not allowed in the kitchen," Katsuki hissed, grabbing the sponge from Shouhei.

"Dad... why don't you go change first..." Shou muttered, trying not to laugh at how foolish his father looked, so angry in the kitchen still wearing his hero costume. "All of this is just going to get in the way."

With a growl, Katsuki slammed the sponge down. "Fine. I'll change, but when I get back I'm fixing all this shit!" he grumbled, waving his hand frantically over the kitchen.

Shouhei chuckled, taking a seat next to his sister. As amazing as school was going, he did miss his family. He missed seeing his father frantic in the kitchen, his sister's snippy arguments and his mother's ability to make them laugh no matter what.

His father returned to the kitchen, working on their meal for the evening and Shouhei took a seat, watching him.

It was a scene he was so used to; his father in the kitchen, his mother setting up the table and Sayuri looking impatient next to him. Over the years they'd grown, but the scene hadn't changed much.

It was strange to think he was growing up so fast and soon he would be living on his own. Grade school and middle school had gone by in what felt like a blur and now high school was about to do the same, or so he thought.

Shouhei knew he would always be welcome here, but it was going to become different. He could work with his parents and live on his own... maybe with Yuuta...

He still had so much time left in high school, and yet it felt like the world was rushing by him faster than he could process.

"Are you excited for the sports festival?" Ochako asked, while they all sat at dinner. "Your father and I are going to come watch!"

"Yeah," he said, hoping he would do a good job. He had a lot to think about when it came to the sports fest. His father had won the first year and his mother had come in first in their third year. The two were incredibly strong, but Shouhei wasn't sure if he was quite at that level yet, despite all the training he'd been doing.

"You know," Ochako smirked, tapping her chopsticks together. "Everyone says the first sports festival is when your dad fell for me. Even though I lost to him, I impressed him so much-"

"Oi!" Katsuki snapped, slamming his fist down on the table. "That's not what fuckin' happened."

"Okay," Ochako hummed, giggling to herself. "It is," she whispered.

"Isn't that the time they had to chain Dad up because he was so mad at Shouto?" Sayuri smirked.

"Mhm. He felt like his win was cheapened," Ochako explained.

"Damn right it was!!" Katsuki snorted.

"And then he kicked your ass in our second year," Ochako smirked.

Katsuki snapped his chopsticks in half. "Ochako, shut your mouth."

"We're looking forward to seeing what you do, Shou," she said, ignoring her husband. "I know you're going to be incredible. Don't pressure yourself though, stress will make it hard for you to focus. Trust me, I know," Ochako said, scooping some rice into her mouth.

"Yeah, it'll be fun," he said nodding.

Glancing to Sayuri, he noticed she was extremely quiet. The sports festival was something they had always enjoyed watching on T.V together when they were younger... but perhaps it would be too difficult for her to watch now. He didn't want to force her, but he did hope she would come with their parents.

When dinner finished, Ochako sighed, carrying their plates over to the sink. "How about you stay for the whole weekend, Shou?" she suggested.

"You know I gotta go back, Mom. We have training and shit," he said and she shook her head.

"I know sweetheart," she said. "I just wish you could stay forever. I don't know what I'm going to do when Sayuri leaves. I'm lucky I got to keep one of you."

"Love you too Mom," Shouhei said, and glanced towards his father.

He had to talk to them. He had to just come out and say it. It would be fine if he just got it over with. They weren't going to care. In fact, his mother would probably be thrilled... but his father hated Shouto... well, sort of. Shouhei swung his arms forward, letting his hands clap together. "Uh... so... Dad! Can we... talk?" he muttered.

The room froze all eyes turning to look at Shouhei. Katsuki's eyes were wide and Shouhei supposed it was a little odd... normally he talked to his mother about most of his problems or decisions, especially because they had similar quirks and oftentimes similar thoughts. Plus, his father wasn't much of a talker. They would spar together and work hard in that way, but talking was rare.

Pushing up from his chair, Katsuki nodded. "Alright. Let's go." He waved his hand as he led him towards the backyard where they usually would fight or play when he and his sister were younger.

Katsuki pushed the door open and stood on the porch. "What's wrong?"

Shouhei started to chuckle. "What do you mean 'what's wrong'?"

"I assume somethin' is wrong if you want to talk to me and not your mother. Or you don't want to stress her out or some bullshit," he said folding his arms over his chest.

"It's... not that," he said slowly. Swallowing, he tried not to look at his father's intense red eyes. He knew he was watching his every move, every breath. His father was always incredible at observing.

"Okay," Katsuki said, leaning against the wall of their house. "Take your time."

"Eh?" Shouhei blinked, watching his father relax.

"You're nervous about some shit. So, take your time," he said.

"Y-Yeah... Dad do you... uhm..." he sighed. How did he even go about saying this? "Do you... actually hate Shouto?"

"HAH!?" Katsuki yelled, pushing himself off of the wall. Apparently that wasn't the question he'd been expecting.

"I-I mean... do you? You talk about how much you can't stand 'shitty Half and Half' and Uncle Deku but... you don't actually hate them right?" Shouhei muttered, rubbing his fingers together. He was two seconds from making himself float away.

"...They suck. I'm fuckin' better than them. Nothing will change that," Katsuki hissed. "They're whatever. They're idiots."

"So... you don't then?" Shouhei stammered. Fucking hell... his father was so hard to read sometimes. Even after almost 16 years Shouhei could barely figure out what he meant from time to time.

Katsuki shrugged. "What does this have to do with you?"

It didn't really. Yuuta wasn't Shouto... in fact if anything, Yuuta was more like his mother but that was besides the point.

"I..." he swallowed. "I... I'm... uhm... Yuuta and I..."

"Are dating?" Katsuki said, staring Shouhei blankly in the face.

Gasping, Shouhei tried not to jump backwards. "W-What?! How did you know!?"

"Had a feeling. You were acting all nervous and shit and why else would you ask me about Half and Half," Katsuki explained. "You and Twin 2 were always close. It's not surprising."

"It's not?"

"No," Katsuki said. "Kinda always thought you liked boys, especially Twin 2" he shrugged.

"Really?" Shouhei blinked. How had his father noticed something about himself he barely had just figured out?

"Yeah," Katsuki smirked. "You always wanted to be around him… Hugging him and getting all excited when he did shit. You talked about him a lot too." "I-I guess I did," Shouhei muttered, blushing. Had his crush been so obvious? He swallowed, turning back to his father. "You… really don't care?"

"Why would I? I don't get what's so great about Half and Half's shitty kids, but do what you want, Shouhei," he said. Glaring, he turned to him once again. "And be fucking safe!"

He wrinkled his nose. "Ew, Dad… why would you-" he shook his head, and let out a long sigh. "Well, it's not like I could get him pregnant-" Shouhei began to tease.

"Doesn't fucking matter-" Katsuki hissed. "Be. Safe."

"I will..."

Katsuki sucked in a long breath of air. "Yuuta's a good kid. I'll kill him if he hurts you."

Shouhei couldn't help but laugh at that. "I know you will. Mom will too."

"Yeah, she's more intense than me about that shit. Sometimes you gotta get hurt to learn and all that crap," he said. "She's ready to protect you from fuckin' everything."

Shouhei nodded. "Well I-I'm glad you're okay with it."

"Shou, I don't give a fuck who you love. Does it suck that one day I could be at your wedding with fucking Half and Half? Yes. But if you're happy, that's all that fucking matters."

"Dad... even if I don't marry Yuuta... I'm probably going to invite Shouto to my wedding..."

"Gross," Katsuki snorted, and nudged Shouhei's shoulder.

"Deku too."

"Ugh..." Katsuki groaned. "Enough. Stop it with this bullshit."

"Okay, okay. I probably should tell Mom," he said.

"She's gonna be so damn excited. Prepare yourself," Katsuki muttered.

"I think I got this," he said. "And hey wait! Why is Yuuta 'Twin 2'?"

"I dunno. I thought he was the second one or whatever?" Katsuki shrugged.

"Dad, they're twins, how can he be the second one?" Shouhei asked, raising his eyebrow.

"One of 'em had to come out first."

Shouhei wrinkled his nose and pushed at his father's shoulder, storming back into the house. "Gross," he said, but he felt nothing but relief.

The scary part was over, and he followed his dad back in the house, knowing everything from here on out was going to be good.

And honestly, he couldn't stop smiling.

~~

Yuuta was especially horrible at two things. One: keeping secrets and two: awkward silences, which is why he sat at dinner with Arata and his parents, desperately biting on his lip.

His face was slightly scrunched up, his teeth pressed deep into his lip, and he kept staring at Arata.

But he promised. He promised he wouldn't tell anyone Arata was training with their grandfather, and though he was bad at keeping secrets, he prided himself on being good at keeping promises.

If only someone would say something.

The twins had come home when Momo texted both of them about how much she missed them, mentioning she was making cold soba that evening for their father. Shouhei was also going home to his parents house, so Yuuta had immediately texted back asking to join. After much harassment, they'd convinced Arata to come as well.

And now, no one was talking.

"How is school going?" Shouto asked, breaking the silence as he glanced to Momo.

"Fine," Arata said, slurping the noodles up into his mouth.

"Uh... uh..." Yuuta stammered. "It's... going! You know... preparing for the sports festival and all. Lots of training!" he said. His hands wouldn't stop shaking.

From across the table, he caught Arata's eyes and his twin glared at him. He could tell Arata was hoping he wouldn't completely blow his cover. Knowing him, Arata was well aware Yuuta was struggling to not explode at the dinner table.

Momo frowned and placed her chopsticks down, patting her mouth with her napkin. "Yuuta, honey, you seem nervous. Is everything okay?"

"W-What!?" he gasped, almost choking on the noodles he swallowed.

"See?" she said, looking at him with such concern. "You're very jumpy."

"I-I'm not! I swear. Everything is fine. Totally fine," he stammered and Arata glared harder. That wasn't helping. Not at all. "I, uhm... was thinking about this paper for school..."

"Yuuta, if something is wrong... you can always speak to us about it," Shouto said, placing his own set of chopsticks down.

"No! R-Really I'm fine!" he said, waving his hands back forth.

"We don't want you to feel like you can't talk to us, darling," Momo said softly. She reached forward and gently placed her hand on his arm and Yuuta swallowed.

"Uhm... I..."

"He's fine," Arata hissed. "We've got a lot of school work right now."

"Well you didn't have to come home if you were both so busy," Momo said quietly, looking down at her food.

"N-No! I-I suggested it! I wanted to!" Yuuta said, not wanting his mother to feel bad.

Arata glared again.

"Just know the door for conversation is always open," Shouto continued.

"Y-Yeah I know..."

"We don't want you to feel stressed because of school," Momo said softly, giving his wrist a gentle squeeze.

It wasn't school. It had nothing to do with school. School was actually going amazingly. But...

Yuuta glanced at Arata and bit his lip, trying not to shout it out to the world. He was trying his best not to scream the truth to his parents. The last thing he wanted to do was get anyone angry at him and he felt like he was teetering on the edge of exploding.

"You're both hard workers but we don't want you to push yourselves so much that it makes you unhappy," Shouto said, his gaze flicking towards Arata.

Why were they still pushing? Couldn't they let it go? Just this once? His parents were far too caring for their own good. He glanced down, his palms sweating as he felt all their eyes fall on him. His parents looking at him with such concern, Arata glaring…

He squeezed his hands, his quirk tingling at his fingertips. He took in a few deep breaths, trying to stop the blue flames from igniting over his hands. That would definitely give him away. He glanced at his mother, seeing how she looked at him with such concern...

Swallowing, Yuuta nodded quickly. He had to say something... anything... and it couldn't be about Arata or school or...

"Shouhei and I are dating!" he blurted out and then quickly covered his mouth.

Arata dropped his chopsticks and his parents slowly opened their mouths, staring at him. Well, crap...

He took a deep breath, keeping his mouth covered as a new wave of anxiety took over. He hadn't meant to tell them that yet. He wanted to do it when Arata wasn't around and he could talk to them more privately and explain his feelings... but some secret had to come out of him and of course it had to be that one... in order to stop himself from blabbing about Arata.

No one was saying anything and Yuuta tried not to panic. They were all staring at him, their eyes digging deep under his skin. Did they think he was gross? Were they mad?!

Momo blinked. "You and Shouhei are dating?" she asked.

Yuuta swallowed, glancing at Arata whose eyes had finally softened. Maybe he felt bad? Either way, he didn't look as though he was about to interject.

"...Yeah..." he said slowly. "But I really love him! I mean... like him... I don't think we're quite at that point of saying 'love' but I... he's great! I know his dad is intense and grr... but Shouhei isn't! And... and I'm really happy and I really don't want to break up with him... so please..." he rambled on and on, tears rising to his eyes as he began to speak, the words pouring out of him fast.

Momo immediately jumped up and wrapped her arms around. "Oh honey! That's wonderful," she said, stroking through his hair before cupping his cheeks. "Why would you ever have to break up with him?"

"I-I don't know! I-I thought you would be mad..." he said, unable to look at her in the eye.

"Yuuta... we would never be mad about something like that," Shouto said, reaching forward to squeeze his other hand.

"Of course not! I'm so... happy! You and Shou have been friends for so long! This... is so adorable!" Momo giggled, leaning forward to gently kiss his forehead. "It doesn't matter who you love, we all will always love you," she said. "I’m so happy you told us!"

Shouto smiled, staring at him with such gentle eyes, he gave him a nod and Yuuta knew his father approved.

"I'm so sorry if we did anything to make you feel nervous about that," Momo whispered, kissing his forehead again before sitting back down.

"N-No... I was just... it's honestly been a little overwhelming... I didn't think... he would like me like that and ... you know... but... I am really happy. I’m… you guys are really okay with it?"

"Mhm," Shouto chuckled. "All we want is for you, for both of you to be happy." With that, their gazes turned to Arata who was clenching his chopsticks hard.

"Good for you... Yuuta," he scoffed and pushed himself out from the table.

"Arata?" Momo began, but he stormed off down the hall, stepping into his room and slamming the door.

Shouto frowned and stood up, following after him. "I’ll speak to him," he said, a sigh laced through his words.

"Don't worry sweetheart, we'll talk to Arata, I'm sure this isn't... anything to do with you and Shouhei," Momo whispered, gently stroking over his arm. "Your brother… is going through something that none of us seem to understand."

"Y-Yeah..." Yuuta muttered, the anxiety returning to his chest. He knew what Arata was hiding, he didn’t fully know why… but he knew and he didn’t want to blurt out another secret.

Momo leaned forward and cupped his cheek. "We’re so happy for you! To be friends for so long and find love…" she smiled.

He let out a sigh and nodded, trying to smile so his mother didn’t worry. He knew Arata’s outburst didn't have anything to do with him and Shouhei... but even when he was trying to protect Arata... it seemed he couldn't do anything right by his brother.

[kevkesblog]

Jannis Brandt Interview (spring 2018)

I’m sorry for misspelled words, but my laptop automatically changes english into german (or attempts to do that).

note: this interview was recorded before the World Cup 2018 in Russia.

N:     Who is your brother?

J:      My brother is Julian Brandt. He plays for Bayer Leverkusen and the national team.

N:     How does it feel if you say something like that?

J:      Hm, it’s big. Especially the national team, because we used to watch the games of the national team on TV in our childhood and youth. 

I have also followed everything around him during his youth – all the youth teams. That was already big. But now that he plays for the national team makes it even bigger.

N:     Did you - or Julian had posters of certain players in his room or so? Did he have role models or idols?

J:      Hm, I think Julian’s room was full of posters. Ronaldo, Messi the real big players – even back then. But his idol – which I think is already known – was Diego, from Werder Bremen.

N:     And your idol?

J:      Mine? I never really had any idols. No football player.

N:     But?

J:      Not really others as well.

N:     Singer? Actor? Comic figure?

J:      No. Not really.

N:     Sometimes people do have a certain indiviual. Even if it’s pikatchu.

J:      (laughs) No, Julian was more of an anime fan – I would say. Whether it was Dragonball Z or whatever… I usually never watched those shows. He was more that type of person. Hm, idol? I dont know. Sure, the big names Ronaldo and Messi where you were looking up and say „Ok, those were the players of our time“. But no, not really an idol.

N:     But since we are talking about the national team. Has there ever been a german national player who was admirable?

J:      Back in the day or today?

N:     Yes – but especially in the past. I mean you named the big international stars of football, but do you think there is at least one german name on that list or not?

J:      There wasn’t. (laughts)

N:     (laughts) OK, clear answer!

J:      Well of course there were big names. Players like Schweinsteiger who now reached an age were they played many years for the national team. Including world cups. Yeah and if you see how these players are still playing now. Or Lukas Podolski who played one final game with Julian – his last one. This it’s big sure. Especially since Julian used to have posters with Podolski in his room and then suddently they play together. I thinks it’s big – even for him, playing with so many experierenced players and that sometimes he tries to look what tricks of them he can copy – yes.

N:     When I looked at this from the outside, if somebody is very young and somebody who is older as player on the pitch. Sometimes it’s about body mass. Or your body develops over a certain while. Do you think there is a sense of inferiority as a young player?

J:      Ahm, physically as a player I wouldn’t say that you are inferior. I think you do have some edges. I know Jonathan Tah. I think its pretty difficult to get past him – even though he is young.  I think Julian is doing pretty good by now. He is not a player who looks for every one-on-one on the pitch. But I wouldn’t say he is inferior in those situations. Sure you have to watch your body as a young player and be carefully, in order to stay on the same level with the other guys - but no, not inferior.

N:     How did you view Julians development through his youth? Football was on your brothers mind all the time. Was he like „Hey Jannis, lets go and shoot some goals. Do some passing.“ Was it like this?

J:      It was really like this. It was still common throughout our childhood or youth– in a positiv way – to play outside from morning till sunset. We had a big public lawn in front of our house. And so there were like 40 something people on that lawn. Thats something that doesn’t exist anymore today – which is sad. So we used to play in front of our house until our mother was calling us.

N:     Dinner!

J:      Exactly – so everyone went back home. But no, we were out on the lawn many times. He played together with friends. I always wanted to join the older guys. That’s what often happend. (laughs)

N:     Did you and Julian tried out other sports as well? Or was it always clear that football is the main thing.

J:      I think Julian always stayed with football. I used to be a goalkeeper first – then I went for handball. Went back to football as a field player. I stayed there until U-17. I think I also did judo but that was just one course. No, Julian by contrast was much more focused on football and I was the one that tried out many different things.

N:     Nice. That’s not bad right?

J:      No. (laughs) The only thing I can add is: Julian just recently became interested in golfing. He seems to be motivated about golfing – but let’s see how long that will last. (smirks)

N:     Especially in terms of time right? I mean he does have a very tight schedule? Training, games…

J:      I wouldn‘t say that (laughs). I mean he does have practice - sometimes twice a day, but if you go golfing before or after training it could be a certain way of compensation for him. Or a certain peace you need. So I think its acutally good.

N:     Thats nice! Did you join?

J:      (laughs). I have only been with him on the golfing range once. I was just there observing and taking pictures. But I realized with him that golfing isn’t easy. Or at least thats what it looked like when he played (laughs).

N:     It’s practice.

J:      Yes it is. And I think he will continue to do that.

N:     But do you think its just because you are a different persona than Julian? Didn’t you want to dive into the football world as well since you played many years yourself?

J:      I would say about myself, I’m not fully talented in one area. Or there is no area where I want to focus completely. I’m a guy that likes to try out many things first. Whether its sports or something else. And I’m quite decent in many areas and so its different than with Julian. He is a talent in terms of football – but he drags his feet about other things in life. (laughs)

N:     School too?

J:      With him?

N:     Yup.

J:      He was really lazy! He claims he still could have gotten a high school diploma (Abitur). I thinks he only has a minor school diploma (after 10th grade). But I dont know if thats only big words from him or if he is serious about it.

N:     But does it really play a role anymore? If you are so clear about what do you want to do. Is it really worthwhile to get an Abitur?

J:      Thats difficult.

N:     Did you get an Abitur?

J:      I’m still working on my Abitur in media design. But I would say on one hand its important because you never know, how safe you really are being a football player. By that I mean, you have a sense of security with an Abitur. Only if you reach a certain point in your career it starts to become less important whether you have an Abitur or not. For me its just learning – Abitur. You really have to commit yourself doing it. You need to have a clear head, but other than that its not a world wonder getting it.

N:     In what areas do you do your Abitur?

J:      Design, media and art.

N:     Do you have an idea, what you want to do with your life? Lets say over the next five years?

J:      Hmmm, well… generally speaking: media. But thats a huge terrain. I had days were I was thinking about studying film after my Abitur. I was already looking around for schools. Photography is also something I like – but those are big areas and the best way for me would be to filter everything. But I dont know where I will end up persicely. I haven‘t made a decision yet. And thats fine.

N:     Nice. So without any jugdements. Because there are also people who exactly know where they want to go.

J:      No. No – I was never that type of person! I’m a guy who makes quick decisions and want to deliver quick. But I’m never that person who says „I am doing this now, this the next year and so on“. And I dont want to be stuck in a three-year apprenticeship program where I dont know if thats really something I want to do for the rest of my life.

N:     Well, you often dont know whether its the perfect job for you.

J:      Exactly. That why currently I’m trying out many things. Gather experience. I want to filter between things that dont match my interest and by that I will find out what matches mine. Thats my current situation.

N:     Sounds good! In your relationship, Julian was your big brother. You have a younger brother. The big brother than left the house since he got special training. How was that moment for you, when he left the house? Did you suddently become the „big brother“. How did you feel?

J:      I remember him being 15 years when he moved out. And everything went very quick. Suddently all his bags were packed and he went to Wolfsburg. And the beginning was especially difficult for our mother. But thats normal. But yeah, you could sense that something was missing - also in our daily lives. But I had a little brother and we spent alot of time together. (laughs) Generally speaking, our childhood was like this: usually Julian and Jascha bonded together more – whenever I was teasing Jascha, he needed support and he got it from Julian. But our bickering was nice – we never really argued alot.

N:     Does your father maybe had an influence? Since he was a football coach as well. Because I read that people say „Well I dont want my dad to give me special treatment – or give you a disadvantage“. Was that weird or okay?

J:      Well I never really got to know it any different. Dad was active in football since I was little – as a player for his hometown team. And he coached Julian and his best friends since they were little, I think it was good for him to have a certain person that he could relate to. But our father never gave him special disadvantages or better treatment. Whenever it was about football he was coach and not father – and once the game was over he was still our dad. So in my opinion they did everthing right in that regard. And it is strange that a father is coaching Julian since he was a little kid until he left for Wolfsburg.

        (13:05min)

N:     What’s interesting to know: how did you feel when he was on the pitch in a big stadium for the first time? What kind of feeling was that?

J:      That was – if I can remember correctly – in Hamburg. When he already was playing for Leverkusen. It was a special game for me since I never liked Hamburg, from my childhood on – as a guy from Bremen. I didn’t know before the game that he was supposed to be a subsitute player. At some point you see him warm up next to the pitch and you start to think „Ok, will he now be put into the game?“. Yeah but it is something special when you hear his name over the whole stadium for the first time. Now you heard it a hundred times and it became normal, but it was special the first time. And you suddently get a lot of text messages. But its normal.

N:     Did you get goosebumps?

J:      I rarely get goosebumps (laughs). For that matter I didnt have goosebumps. But yeah you are really into it and you dont think about other stuff in that moment.

N:     And you had the parents sitting left and right to you.

J:      Parents are sitting left and right to you – yes and they are nervous as well – the first game wasn’t against Hamburg, it was his first goal. I have to correct myself. (smirks)

N:     Maybe you can recall his very first goal.

J:      The first goal he scored when he was seventeen, which he did against Hamburg. I remember him having the ball and he was still far away from the goal. He shoots – and it wasn’t really his best shoot, but the goalkeeper seemed to have had a bad day and so he scored. Then everybody was happy because nobody expected this to happen.

N:     Nice! And how did you live together as brothers? Did you have a playstation at home and played together?

J:      Since we were little kids we had playstations – multiple ones everyone that was avaliable. Whether it was playstation, Wii – ok, we didnt have X-Box.

N:     But did you play FIFA?

J:      We did play FIFA – very often. He was always the guy that was better at video games than I was. And the one investing more time playing it.

N:     (laughs) So he really put a lot of time into it.

J:      (laughs) Yeah… and long hours. Me too. And even today we play together and yeah, thats what a boy does in his spare time.

N:     Maybe its a weird question, but: can you choose him as a player?

J:      Yes.

N:     Then, do you choose him whenever you play or do like you tackle him?

J:      (laughs) No, its not that extreme. I’m not playing that much FIFA but back in the day you took him, when he appeared on FIFA for the first time as a new player. Ok, he wasn’t the best and you would say „Ok, well leave it if you want to win.“ But now you can choose him more often playing FIFA if you want to win. Yeah, I didn’t tackle him in the game. I think he picked himself and played FIFA with himself once.

N:     Weird isn’t it? I mean you played FIFA over all these years – every year there’s a new edition and then suddently your own brother is part of a video game.

J:      Well yeah, but you don’t notice it as much as you think, since you already have to deal with other surroundings that come as a football player. And so it’s just a logical consequence. The one leads to the other.

N:     Did you brawl over food as kids?

J:      Brawl?

N:     Yeah… Was there yealousy about food? Did you eat alot?

J:      Hmm, I think he almost ate twice as much as I did. He was always good at eating. Even back in the day, between tourmaments he used to eat a Bratwurst instead of something else. That’s what he needed in order to play good. (smirks) Well we actually never really brawled about stuff back when we lived together in Bremen – well we did have arguments.

N:     Well I didn’t mean brawl in a physical sense. I mean like…

J:      ….Oh, I see… but we did that too (smirks).

N:     (laughs)

J:      But that‘s normal that you brawl as brothers. Or that you wrestle. Thats even fun a bit. Even now he sometimes does that with my little brother. To wrestle on the bed. Yeah… but it‘s all show (smirks).

N:     Like at WWE, right.

J:      Yeah exactly. We used to do the WWE entrances. Our little brother wanted to get a wrestling belt for his birthday a couple of days ago, so he can hang it in his room.

N:     Sounds professional…

J:      …well, we used to watch WWE on TV back in the day. Which was always in the evening – so we were sneaking down to the livingroom and watched it, even though we were supposed to be in bed…. that was when we were very young… (laughs) But yeah…

N:     Music? Is there a song which has a special meaning or a special bond with your brother?

J:      (laughs) Ahm, well there isn’t ONE special song. There is no singer or band. We listen to the same music. We listen to a lot actually, whether its German, Spanish, English, French sometimes Brazilian when it’s more quiet… and ehm - I mean Portugese (smirks).

N:     (laughs) How come? Did your parents listen to a lot of music?

J:      Hmm, no. With us its more like: if we listen to Spanish or French in the beginning we dont know what the lyrics are about…

N:     Execpt if you know the language…

J:      Yes, execpt you know the language or you’re reading the lyrics. But its the music itself – most of the time. Music that just lifts your mood. And we are pretty much the same in that regard. We have the same music taste.

N:     Your brother was very young when he started and then with his first Bundesliga match suddently his career accelarates. And then there a moments were you stagnate. How was that for you when this happend to him? Or have you noticed how he felt? Was it difficult? Or normal – because he still belived in himself?

J:      I think what he knows now, or maybe for a while now ist that, you get hyped if everything goes great and you get back to the ground if you play poorly. And he doesn’t have to like that – and I think he really doesn’t like that. Yeah but this hyping of players is something he absolutely doesn’t like. And he is just doing his thing. Yeah but if he has a low – he is not that person who…

N:     …wallows…

J:      Yeah, who remains low too.

N:     But do you think it’s a special challenge? Because he isn’t really that old. I mean you are even younger than him – but anyway, when you live through something like that. There are thousands of people chanting your name – and then the pressure. You have to be good and show skill...

J:      Sure. First, you have to find a way to deal with pressure…

N:     Does he have something to cope with that? Does he do something in his free time? Meditate or something?

J:      (smirks)

N:     I mean it could be!

J:      In the end, as stupid as it may sound: he just plays playstation to distract himself. In his free time football isn’t as much of a topic of discussion. It’s not like he talks with his friends alot about football. Maybe a bit, but as long as you catch him in his free time talking about something else other than football it’s positive for him. Just distraction. I mean he has to deal with football multiple times over the week or weekends. And he has to get his mind somewhere else in order to cope with pressure. But he has found a good way dealing with pressure…

N:     That how he seems to look like. I mean I watched a couple of interviews and he looked very solid and unimpressed…

J:      Yeah, he is kind of very open. And honest! And he tells you directly what he thinks if there is something he doesn’t like. He never pulls of a great show – or in front of somebody. So that makes it into style of football. He listens to his stomach. You have to put him on the pitch and say „Just go ahead!“. Maybe you need to tell him „here you have to do a bit of this and a bit of that“… then he knows „ok“ and he plays his style. And I think it’s what makes him a great player. Because he withstands pressure – always very relaxed. And thats why he can perform.

N:     Name one trait of him that really annoyes the hell out of you?

J:      (smiles)… well I have to think a bit.  

N:     Well thats good, if there’s nothing. Or is there something that you really appreciate about him? Something you really like?

J:      What I like…?

N:     Well, its good if there’s nothing annoying about him.

J:      What I admire is his honesty. He never tells – well he is my brother, but – that he always says his honest opinion. And that he’s very easygoing. Thats always good.

N:     Will you visit him in Russia?

J:      Well, first of all he has to be there. I think thats gonna happen – or I hope he will be there. And…

N:     But there was an announcement or not?

J:      (pauses)…. No I mean when he makes it into the final squad. Thats going to be announced on May 15. Then they travel to Russia – and as far as I’m concerned finally three players then will fly back home. And…yeah. If he makes it and he – let’s say make it into the quarterfinals or semifinals. I guess, me and my family will eventually fly over to see him.

N:     Do have a wish for him before he leaves?

J:      A wish? I always wish that he doesn’t get injured! Thats the most important thing. Because you can get „out“ of the game very quickly if you get injured. Health is everything. And that he get some expericence. No matter how often he plays, if he playes, how long. And that he has fun in what he is doing – and that he doesn’t force himself on doing stuff.

N:     Do you have a nickname for him?

J:      For him?

N:     Yes.

J:      I either call him „Julian“ or „Juli“. Many call him „Jule“. And he gives me a death stare whenever I call him „Jule“. (laughs). Nobody in our family calls him „Jule“, but I think that name originated in Wolfsburg. And the guys in Leverkusen continued to call him like that and since then. So he is sometimes refered to as „Jule“.

N:     Especially because of the fans?

J:      Even now because of the fans – yeah „Jule“. I think it’s a weird name. (laughs).

N:     Maybe other names?

J:      A nickname he actually has is „Skipper“ from penguins of madagascar. Dad is „Kowalski“ the little brother is „Private“ and I am „Rico“.

N:     (laughs)

J:      We adapted the characteristics of the cartoon. I think Julian had the initial idea. Because I think „Skipper“ is more the leader and the cool guy.

N:     So everyone got their roles then!?

J:      Yeah, sometimes we text over WhatsApp like „Hey Skipper how is it going?“ or „Kowalski when do you get back home?“ … so yeah those are our nicknames we carry for quite sometime now.

N:     Are you in regular contact with each other? Daily? Every second day?

J:      Actually we never write each other over the whole day constantly via WhatsApp. We facetime sometimes. But we dont talk about special topics if we do facetime, just to hear from each other. Mostly whenever somebody of us doesn’t have anthiny to do and goes online. Other than that, I always go to his home games. Away games - depending where it is. And if it fits into my schedule. I see him and spend some time in his apartement in Cologne. Whether its because I have school summer break and over the week we do stuff before or after the practice sessions. Which is good for him, so he has something to do and to get outside, since he lives on his own. And I think it benefits him as well as myself.

N:     Do you have a feeling that he misses things because of football? Because he has to set priorities? Or do you think he can live free?

J:      No, absolutely not. I mean you do have priorities in a sense that you dont have enough leg room – like I have – to go out with friends over the weekend. Thats time he rarely has, when officials tell him „You can go out and have a good time“. But even if he does go out with friends, he has boundaries. Because he is a person who is in the public eye. So yeah, that is one of the differences between us both. I’m more relaxed in that regard and he has to give it a pass since his youth basically. But I think thats something – given his position, he likes to sacrifice.

N:     Thats something he likes, isn’t it?

J:      Yeah, I guess so. I dont think thats something he is mourning about.

[girlbookwrm]

Bah! Bah! Bah da-dah. Badabadabadadah bah dah dah! (<-- this is the iron man song)

THE MIGHTY ENDGAME REWATCH CONTINUES: PART THREE

(parts one and two are HERE)

The Gal Pal has joined us, so tonight we are three (@goteamwin is the Roommate and @pegasuschick is the Gal Pal.) This time we ALL pregamed with booze and cookies. 

Further note: It Has Been Years and I Still Miss The Old Marvel Logo

The Gal Pal: For a second I thought this was Lord of the Rings

THIS WAS A GAMBLE. I have to remind myself of this every time I watch this movie because this was a hhUUUUUGE gamble starring a recovering addict and directed by a nobody using technology that had been tested in Transformers, a franchise known for it’s kwality filmmaking (not u bumblebee i’m sure you’re g r e a t)

(the roommate would like it noted that they probably stipulated in RDJ’s contract that he wouldn’t be fully paid until he finished the movie because he’d flaked out on previous filming commitments for. you know. getting arrested and going to jail.)

This is a solid opening. A Super Solid Opening, in fact. Quality flashback. Actually TFA, take note. This is how you do a flashback, TFA

WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY

comedy moment with the stark missile here. 

Howard Stark Mark I. (of three. Never forget. that there are three howard starks)

Oh No it’s Wrong Rhodes. Rhong Wrodes? just Wrodes?

Obadiah Stane? Really?? who thought he was a good guy??? although I love how easily he does this “getting on the stand to accept an award for Tony” thing. like he’s done it a thousand times before. because of course he has.

GOD THEY'RE ALL SO YOUNG

no da Vinci his a fair comparison, actually, given that Da Vinci apparently designed loads and loads of Very Deadly Things. 

At this juncture, the Gal Points out:

Not to be super gay here, but I would observe that the later Iron Man movies get hotter lady extras. Just a note.

she is not wrong. 

You're better than this journalist lady.

actually wait is she only sleeping with tony for the purpose of snooping?

SHIT SHE TOTALLY IS.

on the one hand DAMN PEPPER I HOPE CHRISTINE GETS MEDICAL ATTENTION FOR THAT BURN but on the other hand BOO GIRL ON GIRL CRIME.

Tony your music is bad

why isn’t it the iron man song

what band is it that does the iron man song

black sabbath, said the Gal Pal and The Roommate in unison.

tony i thought you weren’t a painter how do you even know who pollack is

The perpetual question with this movie: Was the script That Good or is RDJ Just That Good?

Will We Ever Truly Know

WRONG RHODES HAS A POTATO FACE RIGHT RHODES HAS A GREMLIN FACE. YOU NEED CORRECT GREMLIN POTATO FACE PAIRING.

Things that Date This Movie:

Tony’s suits (the fabric ones)

The phones (ohhhhhhhhhh my god flip phones oh my gooooooooddddd)

the fact that the hero is a new york billionaire with his name on the side of a building and people actually like him

Wait is Obie fucking someone? NO DON'T MAKE ME THINK THAT

I hate this part NOSE NO THANK U. GROSS. GROSS. NO I DON’T LIKE IT. NO. i came here for an ACTION MOVIE not a BODY HORROR MOVIE HELP PLS

Yinsen is v well dressed. like. Yinsen is SO dapper wtf Tony looks like a bum by comparison. And his chemistry with Tony is Un. Paralleled (except by pepper.) He fucking NAILS THIS ROLE. Ho Yinsen, International treasure

sub note YINSEN’S FIRST NAME IS HO. YOU ARE ALL VERY WELCOME.

sub sub note: The Roommate spent like fifteen minutes calling him Jensen. This Seems Racist. She points out that I am being racist for thinking that. She may be right. 

the ten rings IT IS LOTR

“I don't watch Iron Man that often, it's always a surprise when I enjoy it” - The Roommate

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T A PAINTER TONY. THOSE ARE VERY GOOD DOODLES FOR SOMEONE WITH NO ARTISTIC INCLINATIONS.

I love/hate that it’s like: Oh no this bad guy speaks English NOW WE'RE IN TROUBLE.

THAT. SEEMS. RACIST.

“Yes I would like a delivery date” says the roommate, someone very accustomed to working with clients that do not provide a coherent delivery date/schedule.

every time i see this scene i am reminded of that interview where Cevans is like: tthHHAT’S RDJ?? and then he licks his lips like the thirsty little bitch he may or may not be.

army recruitment - avengers - dick swinging contest - dumpster fire <-- this is literally the note i made for myself, i don’t know exactly how we got onto this particular sidetrack but look here’s the story:

the pentagon subsidized the early marvel movies, but then they stopped. that was a fun fact that I knew

the gal pal looked it up and it is Very Real. She was explaining to us that they STOPPED subsidizing marvel movies after the avengers because SHIELD. ‘Does the army answer to SHIELD or does SHIELD answer to the army?’

Me: SO ARE YOU TELLING ME. THAT THE ARMY. A REAL LIFE ORGANIZATION. STOPPED FUNDING MARVEL MOVIES. BECAUSE THEY GOT INTO A DICK MEASURING CONTEST WITH SHIELD AND MIGHT HAVE LOST????

yes

the answer to that question is yes

the military industrial complex is a dumpster fire.

32 minute mark and Tony has more time with yinsen than anyone else

I cannot believe it took them them THIS LONG TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING WAS WRONG. No one thought to question that glowing thing in tony’s chest, just like: Nah that seems right. That’s part of the missile building process, right? They're working. this seems fine

It's still a horror movie but now Tony is the monster 

he was always the monster

YINSEN WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Tony Tedward Stark you're literally the only person in the world who didn't know Yinsen’s family was dead. “I’ll see them when I leave here?” THEY’RE DEAD TONY. THEY’VE ALWAYS BEEN DEAD.

also: YINSEN IS AN INTERNATIONAL TREASURE

Tony, at the end of this fight scene, is A) deaf from all the bullets pinging off his suit. B) very badly burned, and C) has broken every bone in his body.

All Jameses in the MCU come with an innate Bullshit Detection Sensor. “Steve’s in trouble” “What’s that explosion? probably Tony.” JAMES POWERS ACTIVATE.

40 minutes in and this is the first time I buy Wrodes as a pal. Maybe

Tony Stark: BRING ME BURGERS. YINSEN TOLD ME NOT TO WASTE MY LIFE

oh hey phil is here!

Tony you have PTSD ---- aaaand you also have a burger stashed in your sling? that’s the best thing. THAT’S THE BEST THING.

UGH GOD OBIE’S ON A SEGWAY GROSSSSS (as if we didn’t already know that he was evil just from his NAME)

The Gal Pal, re Tony vs his PTSD: of course he builds himself a suit of armor. we're lucky he didn't end up in a gimp suit.

me, internally: bold of you to assume he doesn’t.

I refuse to even imagine this movie with Tom Cruise it would be so Wrong. (For those who don’t know, the studio really wanted Tom Cruise  to play Tony, Jon Favreau really went to bat for RDJ against the studio, you know. on account of the whole. addiction getting arrested thing.)

TONY THIS IS A LABORATORY, WE WEAR OUR SHOES AND BUTTON OUR SHIRTS.

Mad money really dates this too. Add that to the list of things that date this.

Tony: Pepper you’ve got small hands, right? get down here.

 Now is the perfect time to remind you all that comics tony has canonically been pegged by Gamora.

You Are Welcome

A) pepper is great. B) Tony is definitely not really going into cardiac arrest. C) I’m remembering that they were my first Marvel OTP and I love them.

Re: Rhodey and the whole “Manned vs unmanned flight” and Tony coming in like “What about just the pilot with no plane” or whatever QUICK QUESTION ASKING FOR A FRIEND WHEN DOES THE FALCON PROGRAM HAPPEN

RDJ and his big sad brown cow eyes. 

The Roommate: I know I wasn’t into it at the time, because I was a youth and he’s like forty and I was like “No, he is Not For Me.”

Me: PAST YOU WAS A MORON.

The Roommate: Yeah i know that NOW.

Tony built his own keyboard that's so extra

Yikes generic ten rings bad guy you should put a bandage on that

ROBOT ABUSE, but also, can we talk about how much I love DUM-E, U, and also this entire sequence?

U is getting real fancy with the camera zooms

At this point we got into a discussion of whether the arc reactor gives Tony powers:

Me: Please. He’s a glorified normie. He’s the Batman of the Marvel Universe.

The Roommate: Yeah! He’s the Batman of marvel with out the...

Me: The what exactly? 

The Roommate: The dead... no his parents are... the car-- no he’s got lots of fancy-- The pearls. He’s the Batman of Marvel without the pearls.

now we have to wait until Civil War to see if Maria Stark is wearing pearls when she dies.

PIZZA. Obie is like the stepdad with that pizza. “I’m taking the pizza back. Nah go on take a slice.” G R O S S

Paul Bettany! You're better as a disembodied voice. 

The Roommate: I do not care for your purple robot form. I know Wanda does but--

Me: Listen. We’ve all made mistakes and bought an unreasonably large purple dildo

The Gal Pal: And we’ve all gotten attached to non-human characters. 

The Roommate: Like the fox from Robin Hood!

The Gal Pal: Exactly. And hey, maybe he just keeps going, you know? like the energizer Bunny.

Me, Upset: NONONONONONONO

The Roommate: now hang on a minute that’s interesting.

Tony, i feel like you didn't think though. But seriously, what is this scene? Why is there a Ferris wheel? Are those the director's kids?

YOU’RE DOING GREAT, DUM-E.

Tony, quick question, did you cut holes in all your tee-shirts? Why? There’s no need for it? It’s Literally? Just for the dramatic effect? Tony?? WHy??? ARe YoU LIke THiS????

they are literally titty windows

these shirts are probably very expensive

sToP

oooo the bad guy (side note, put on a bandaid my guy. get some neosporin or something) has the iron man 1.0 suit and waaaIT A SECOND ARE THERE BULLET HOLES IN THE CROTCH ARMOR??? DID THEY SHOOT TONY IN THE CROTCH?

First of all, Jarvis is a treasure, I’m sad they ever got rid of him, second of all I love that Tony can just show up unannounced at a Very Important Party and no one questions it, third of all:

Poooterrrrrr

Oh hey Phil is here!!

Oh Pep. You are so on top of things, you basically run SI, you know your fear about the deoderant is just paranoia. You applied twice and you have an extra one in your purse and you’re wearing perfume. You smell like roses and victory.

O! T! P!

Christine, why do you have these photos where have you been keeping them why don’t you just pull them up on your phoneOHHHH RIGHT THIS IS THE PAST THERE ARE NO SMART PHONES YET FFGHSSJJSJSDKDKD I FEEL OLD.

Tony is standing on a higher step than Obie for this. The Smolest Avenger.

This is the first full iron Man moment but all I can think is:

Toe socks Tony? really?

~Cool guys don't look at explosions~

SOMEONE REALLY NEEDS TO TELL MARVEL THAT MORE VILLAINS =/= BETTER VILLAINS.

Rhodes sees the boom on the screen and is like but… Tony is here. in the US. I know he's here. I'm 99% sure. 98%. (explosion #2) I’m 95% sure. (by explosion #5) I’m 42% sure that Tony is in the US.

Definitely the worse thing that Pepper saw was him cutting titty windows in his tee shirts

MARVEL! MORE VILLAINS ARE NOT BETTER VILLAINS!!

beeteedubs We All Hate the way Obie says “data” and “manufacturing.” Dah-tuh. Man-uh-fact-ering. U G H.

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND PEPPER I HAVE A NEW JOB NOW AND IT'S SAAAAVING THE PLANET

every movie ever: Is this hacking? Is this how hacking works?

Obie’s frankenstein vein and the way he slllluuuuurrrrps his whiskey. GROSS.

Oh Hey Phil Is Here!!!

What other applications?

WAIT WHAT OTHER APPLICATIONS ARE THERE FOR SHORT TERM PARALYSIS?

NO DON’T TELL ME I DON’T WANT TO KNOW

Hhhhhhow does Obie already have a specially designed arc reactor extractor?

TONY WHY DON’T YOU GET ON THE SCOOTER INSTEAD OF SHOVING IT AWAY? WOULDN’T YOU GO FASTER?

DUM-E IS A TREASURE

Re Pepper:

The Roommate: Pepper’s superpower is calling the right authorities and making sure the right people get arrested.

Me: so what I’m hearing is that Pepper’s superpower is being a responsible adult???

This Seems Accurate.

“Anything else I can do?” says Terrence Howard. “yeah, you can turn into don cheedle” say we all.

Where's the water in this creepy underground lair. Whyyyyyy are there water light effects? WHERE? IS? THE WATER???

OMG look at that cgi wowwwww he’s just coming up through the concrete and it is Definitely CGI.

dear obadiah stane: YOU DO NOT FIRE PEPPER POTS SHE IS ESSENTIAL. IF YOU FIRE PEPPER POTTS YOUR COMPANY COLLAPSES LITERALLY THE NEXT DAY.

Hey Obie. Did you put the Batman voice modulator in yourself orrrr... 

Holy Cow Digital Hand is Very Digital.

HANG ON ISN'T THIS EXACTLY WHAT ANT MAN DOES TO TONY IN CIVIL WAR???

Blow the reactor, he says. JUST DO IT, he says.

The Gal Pal: Shhhh you can hear Howard Stark rolling over in his grave

oh hey Zuul is coming

OH HEY PHIL IS HERE!!!!

The roommate: THAT'S NOT TRUE SMALL AIRCRAFT ARE VERY SAFE

WAIT WAS CAPTAIN MARVEL PHIL’S FIRST RODEO? *need to see Captain Marvel Intensifies*

“Girlfriend who worries about me” Tony says. It's Rhodes. Right? I mean. He already has a girlfriend who worries about him. It’s Colonel Rhodes. 

tony is so bad at lying

which is cute and all but FORREALS do you remember seeing this movie for the first time? whether you like Iron Man or not, whether you like MARVEL or not, this is fucking cinematic history happening here. this is the first franchise of its kind, it opened the door for so many others and it is so weird to remember that.

BAH! BAH! BAH DA-DUH. BADABADABADADAH! BAH DAH DAH!!

we have spent literally the entire movie waiting for this song to play

wow Jarvis u ok

THERE HE IS. Lookit him. with his eyepatch. he’s Seen Things. he’s Done Stuff. him and phil. geeze.

Me: I really wish I had just seen Captain Marvel 

The Gal Pal: I feel like that every morning

i mean i don’t want to harp on this given that we’ve already moved on from the incorrect hulk but WHY WOULD TONY STARK BE RECRUITING ROSS?????

[amanda-fior]

I shared my personal mental health story with my vet class

I shared my very personal story with my classmates for R U OK day in our private facebook group and I received so much love and support. This is a copy of my post:

Today was R U OK day. I thought I would take this opportunity to talk about my recent experience with mental health and trying to find help. Sorry in advance for rambling. Also, just a warning that this is a pretty full on post. I just want to share it because mental health is something that most vets and vet students will struggle with at some point. It is important to know that you’re not alone and to speak up if you think it might help someone.

A few months ago, I had suicide ideations. I knew I had to go to the hospital to remain safe. Starting that conversation with my mum was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I have attempted suicide in the past and my partner at the time convinced me to tell my mum, who reacted very badly. She didn’t understand depression or anything like that at the time and her mind went straight to my brother who died when I was younger. He had been in a car accident and spent his 19th birthday on life support before it was switched off. My suicide attempt brought all that back for my mum and she yelled, “How DARE you?! Your brother fought as hard as he could for his life and you just want to throw yours away?!”

The second reason I was scared to get help, was the way the mental health nurse in Armidale treated me last time. She did not appear to care at all and clearly didn’t believe me when she asked if I had been sexually assaulted as a child. She asked me that same question several times and then made a face when she finally wrote my answer (”no”) on her clipboard.

Thankfully, this time my mum and the hospital staff were much more supportive.

I was admitted to the low care mental health unit, which is a locked ward. It is a secure and safe place but it did nothing to actually help me mentally.

The first thing that I was required to do, was very confronting. The mental health nurse that I was assigned to, along with a student nurse, led me into a conference room to meet with the psychiatrist. There was also a psychiatrist registrar and 2 other students in the room. 6 strangers. We sat in a semi circle and everyone looked at me. I couldn’t make eye contact but I knew some people had their hands posed, ready to write or type. The psychiatrist asked me why I was there. I thought it was pretty damn obvious why I was there. I had already been interviewed by about 5 nurses who kept repeating the same questions. Surely someone had passed along the message. I mumbled that I wanted to hurt myself.

“Yes. And when you say you want to hurt yourself, what do you mean exactly?”

I told them that I wanted to end my life. He still wasn’t satisfied. He wanted to know all of the details. How. With what. When. How far into my plan had I got? So I tried my best to answer his questions while my answers got scribbled and typed down.

After that, I assumed I would be bombarded with help. Pamphlets for programs, mental health workers, counsellors, support programs, group therapy, art therapy.... but there was none of that.

The psychiatrist told me he would increase the dose of my anti-depressants to see if it made a difference. My nurse and the student nurse took me to my room. I had been scanned by a metal detector and had my phone taken away when I arrived. Everything was secured into place to prevent us from hurting ourselves. No electrical items were allowed inside. No shoelaces. No belts. No aerosols. We weren’t even allowed to keep shampoo in our rooms. There was hot water for de-caffinated tea. A sandwich press was brought out at breakfast for making toast and then locked away again.

My nurse asked if I was anxious (lol) and gave me some pills. I didn’t ask what they were. I went to sleep until someone woke me for dinner. I had a new nurse. Another consumer (that’s what they call patients in the ward, consumers) gave me a whirl-wind tour of the facility, not that I can even remember what her voice sounded like, I was too out of it. But I did learn that there is a whiteboard in the nurses station that has our room number, name and our nurses name on it. There were about 4 nurses on at a time and we had to go to them for every little thing. But they changed shift regularly, so if you had to arrange something like a CSU medical certificate, it was hard because once you got somewhere with the last nurse, you had to explain the whole thing over again to the new nurse.

They checked on us every hour. All through the night. It wasn’t very dark in my room but each hour a blast of fluorescent light invaded for a few moments, disrupting whatever sleep I had managed to find. The night staff started at 10pm and from then on, you could get sleeping pills. They helped a little.

I was woken early the next morning by a nurse who seemed to be running behind schedule. She didn’t wait for my eyes to adjust to the light, let alone for my brain to remember where I was before rolling down my sleeve.

“Just taking some blood,” she explained hastily.

“Oh, I had bloods taken yesterday.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” she replied, ripping the tiny, circular band-aid off.

Each morning, we were woken at 7 for breakfast, medication and we had our temperature and blood pressure measured. I don’t know what their obsession was with blood pressure but mine was measured several times each day. After breakfast, there was nothing to do. We could watch TV, colour-in (if we asked our nurse to get us the pencils etc) or we could pace the hallway. I just went back to bed and reassured the nurses each hour that I wasn’t dead. Eventually, it would be time for me to see my psychiatrist registrar. This was the only mental health care we received. He would ask how I was feeling, enquire about my appetite (nil), sleep (disrupted) and asked if I felt safe in the ward (I still don’t know if he meant safe from myself or from the other consumers but I just said yes each time).

On my first morning, my nurse brought me a bunch of paperwork to sign. She explained that I was an involuntary patient. Two days later, I told my brother that I still had no idea what I was supposed to DO in the ward. There was no stimulation whatsoever. It was just me and my own mind. And the nurses kept asking if I was hearing voices so many times that I actually started to question myself. My brother, who had been visiting me daily, asked my nurse how long I was going to be there. She explained that my psychiatrist would review me in a week. A week!!! A different psychiatrist comes each weekday (from Sydney or Melbourne) and the psychiatrist registrars communicate with them throughout the week. The registrar can grant leave for an hour each day but only once you’re a voluntary patient. Only the registered psychiatrist can formally discharge consumers.

The days dragged on after that. I was made a voluntary patient a few days later and the nurse brought me my new paperwork to sign. It turned out that the only real difference between voluntary and involuntary was that they could no longer give me ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) without my consent. So that was a plus. And yeah, they still do that. But it’s now done under anaesthetic. My ex used to complain about all the old people who get it done because their heart rates would suddenly shoot up dangerously high and sometimes it caused strokes.

The psychiatrist registrar asked how I felt about the prospect of returning home. I told him that I didn’t really care where I was but my family wanted me to have a plan and ongoing support. I also wanted to be connected with a counsellor or psychologist before I went home. The registrar and the nurses told me all of that would be arranged before I left.

But it wasn’t. I was discharged the day before my psych was due to see me and it all happened really quickly. I suspect it had more to do with the number of beds rather than an actual improvement in my mental health. Nothing had actually been done in the week I was there except for an increase in my anti-depressant dose. But I was so overwhelmed at the thought of being able to walk more than 10m without turning around and getting to see my animals that I didn’t think to ask about the support I had been promised.

They did put me in contact with a community health worker. I saw her once a week and she asked how I was sleeping, appetite, whether I had self-harmed etc. I told her that I wanted to see a psychologist and she said that was a great idea. She didn’t offer any further assistance. When I questioned her about it at our next meeting, she said that I needed to talk to my GP about getting a mental health plan. Her tone sounded impatient, as if I should have known that already. I started to get angry with the whole system. It had been three weeks since I had walked into the hospital and told them I wanted to kill myself and it still seemed so hard to access any help.

Two days later, I attempted suicide.

This time, I actually tried the method Leigh Ladd mentioned in class the other day - diazepam and alcohol. I had planned to get into the backyard swimming pool for good measure, but I didn’t make it that far. I actually felt validated for the first time when Leigh Ladd talked about this in class. Until then, all of the medical professionals had scoffed at my method and made remarks like, “Ha, that was never going to work. You could take 2000mg of valium and all you’d do is fall asleep.”

Maybe they were ignoring the fact that mixing it with a lot of alcohol depresses your respiratory system, maybe they didn’t hear the part about the swimming pool or maybe they were just trying to talk me out of trying it again, but it just made me feel like a complete idiot.

I woke up in the emergency room, crying and hugging my sister. My memory is very patchy due to the benzodiazepine-induced retrograde amnesia. I had a big bandage on my wrist from where I had self harmed. I don’t remember doing that but I think it was to distract myself from the mental pain during my attempt. My sister later told me that her and my mum had to leave the room when the doctor sutured my arm. Apparently, they didn’t give me any local before suturing it and I was screaming in pain for them to stop. I’m glad I don’t remember that at all.

I was taken back to the low dependency unit and back talking to a psychiatrist. This time, it was a woman. I expected to be spending another week in the unit but one of the first things this psych asked me was about going home. Apparently they didn’t want to “institutionalise” me. I spent just 2 days in the ward.

My family were looking into any and all kinds of programs for me to get help. I asked the registrar psychiatrist about any recommendations. He said there were programs but they were expensive if you don’t have private health insurance. He didn’t elaborate. A nurse signed my family up for some carers help program. They also referred me to a program called Wellways, which is about suicide prevention. Turns out that the only people who can be referred are those who have actually attempted suicide, not just thought about it, which is why I hadn’t been eligible before.

I was eligible for help from Wellways for 3 months. They could refer me to further help if I needed financial counselling, emergency accommodation and things like that. But not counselling or anything.The lady who I dealt with only worked 2-3 days a week and I didn’t find the program helpful at all.

My family were disgusted with the lack of help I got. My sister talked to some people at her work (in community health) and gave me the names of 2 private psychiatrists. I saw my GP and arranged referrals but they were booked out for months. One of them was finally able to fit me in earlier after I pleaded with the receptionist. It cost $800 for the appointment (I could reclaim some of that on medicare but I’m forever grateful that my family were able to lend me money). I wasn’t impressed with what I got for my $800. He asked why I was there. I told him my story and he asked why I had attempted suicide. I told him that I didn’t want to live anymore (it rolls off the tongue more easily the more you say it) but again, he asked why. Every answer I gave him, he said, “But why?”

I left with a script for a new medication that was supposed to help me sleep but has actually given me nightmares and made my sleep pattern worse. It’s also not on the PBS and costs a lot of money so I’m weaning myself back off it. When I told the community health worker about seeing the psychiatrist, she seemed annoyed that I had gone behind her back to get help and told me that there were community health psychiatrists who are very good at what they do. She asked me to get the private psych to forward her his notes. I would have gladly seen a free or cheaper psychiatrist but that was the first (and last) that she mentioned their existence. I again told her that I wanted to be connected with a psychologist and she basically told me to keep her in the loop if I make any more appointments.

I went back to my GP and asked for a referral to a psychologist. But when I rang to book an appointment with the one he recommended, the receptionist told me they no longer work there. They booked me in to see someone else. I was just happy that I was finally going to see someone who might actually help. I have seen her 3 times now and she is really lovely. I complained to her about my GP (I left those details out of this post because it’s already too long!!) and she gave me the name of another doctor that I have started to see. This new doctor is much more understanding and has been doing further tests to see if I have any underlying health problems. I’m now getting cosmetic injections to improve the appearance of the scars on my wrist, I’m getting an iron infusion for my anaemia and she is helping me combat my anxiety as well.

This is the first time in months that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m finally working with a psychologist and I’m willing to try anything. Over the summer, I’m hoping to do an 8 week recovery program. I’m also hoping to do some equine therapy in the future. The most important thing for me, is that people are finally listening.

I’m sorry that this is so long (and a bit confronting) but I didn’t want to censor it. I want people to know how hard it can be to get help. There are so many ads on the TV etc about getting help for depression but I swear most of their money must go into advertising and paying admin because finding actual help was so much harder than I would have imagined. I want people to know how long this road is - because one day you will probably have to be there for a friend, family member or yourself - and it’s not just a matter of making one phone call or having one conversation. It’s an ongoing process and it’s difficult. Some people who work in mental health are complete dicks and they just don’t get it.

Don’t be scared about saying the wrong thing to a friend/family member. I don’t remember what my friends/family said to me - I just remember that they were there. That was the big thing, having my family supporting me and forcing me to keep seeking help even though I wanted to give up.

Please be there for your loved ones. And please feel free to come talk to me, even if we have never spoken before. Struggling with mental health isn’t something that I’m ashamed of (anymore). Hopefully sharing my story might help someone else, somehow.

I received so many private messages from people who shared their own stories and offered support. These were the comments left on my post:

I'm a shy person and did not expect that kind of response. It is amazing how many people really do care and are more than willing to offer support ❤❤❤

[ohn1m]

The Art of Being Mino

The South Korean hip-hop star wowed critics and fans alike with his solo album ‘XX’; but is he any closer to discovering who the ‘real’ Mino is?

Mino's journey is an ongoing one and 'XX' is a chapter that marks an artistic coming-of-age on this wild ride.

Understanding Song Minho is kind of like catching lightening in a bottle; impossible to do but the idea itself is so dazzling, you need to give it a shot anyway. Tall and blonde with bleached eyebrows and sharp features, Song–better known mononymously as Mino–cuts quite the intimidating figure. He’s intelligent, polite and forthcoming on every answer and there’s an elegance to him that’s instantly appealing. There’s one little thing that proves to be more charming than any of this, however, and it comes in the form of a little note he sends on email after the interview; “Thank you for your interest!” it reads cheerfully, accompanied by a smiley emoji. “I hope we do it again when Winner’s back!” It’s simple but sweet and suddenly there’s yet another dimension to the chic, fierce rapper we’re used to seeing onscreen.

Before sitting down with Rolling Stone India for a conversation in December, the 25-year old musician’s schedule through 2018 included the release and promotion of a full LP with his band Winner, a Japan tour, a more extensive Asia tour, a series of performances across his home country South Korea, starring roles in several variety shows and a feature on YG Entertainment labelmate and his senior Seungri’s viral hit track “Where R U From.” November was busiest for him with the release of his first solo LP XX, a 12-track feast of hip-hop, tradition, emotion and culture. December finally closed with yet another single with Winner and a series of year-end performances in Korea.

While a bit of a break is warranted after the whirlwind of activity, Mino confirms he has no plans to take it easy in 2019. “Winner will release a full album this year,” he reveals cheerfully. “I cannot talk about our plan in advance, but we are preparing a surprise gift with a great musician!” The four-member K-pop band are working on their upcoming third LP and have already begun their tour schedules in full force– they’re currently on a six-city run of the United States with stops in Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Dallas, Chicago and New York.

Over the past year Mino has embraced the avant-garde with ease, stepping away from his swag-heavy hip-hop image and slipping into a more elegant avatar.

As an artist, Mino is full of surprises with an evolution that’s been thrilling to map. He started his career as a rapper in South Korea’s vibrant underground hip-hop scene back in 2010 (when he was just 16) but success took a while to come along. He debuted briefly in 2011 with a group called BoM before its premature disbandment in 2013, and then finally signed with leading music label YG Entertainment as a trainee. In 2014 he got his big break after participating in TV channel Mnet’s reality-survival program Win: Who Is Next and ending up as a member of the winning Team A–which would go on to form Winner and debut that same year. He shot to fame quickly this time around, gaining attention as a solo artist after finishing as runner-up on the fourth season of South Korean hip-hop survival competition Show Me The Money in 2015. With several eyes on him, he wowed with a more bluesy, melancholic persona on Winner’s 2016 EP EXIT: E. That same year he and YG Entertainment labelmate Bobby announced a duo project titled MOBB, which showed off a completely different, swag-heavy, fun-loving attitude, but in that EP he included “Body,” a solo single that blended sex and passion with angst and regret. Winner’s discography as of late has been bright, tropical and electronic-pop and he’s able to adapt to it effortlessly as well. His career trajectory spells ‘chameleon’ and even in times of trial there’s a sense of chill around him, as though deep inside he knows everything’s going to work out.

Over the past year Mino has embraced a life of avant-garde with ease, stepping away from his swag-heavy hip-hop image and slipping into a more elegant avatar. He seems more comfortable and willing to express himself in ways outside of music. He’s always had fondness for art but now seems to revel in it, regularly posting images of artwork he’s created on Instagram, participating in media projects, exhibitions and editorials. Last year, he displayed some of his own artwork at an exhibit titled ‘Burning Planet.’ The pieces were a combination of installation art with media and performance art which explored the idea of burnouts, stress and humanity’s exhausting pace of birth, work, death. It’s morbid, futuristic and almost prophetical in its warnings about the pressure society puts on young people and quickly gained critical acclaim. Mino remains modest in the wake of all the praise, saying, “I do not know if I have had any talent when I was young, but I painted as a hobby since I was a kid. So I have become interested in art naturally. It was a very good opportunity to exhibit ‘Burning Planet’ with [eye wear brand and collaborator] Gentle Monster. It was a good time to learn and experience many things.”

It’s this artistic and emotional evolution which seems to have had the biggest hand in the creation of XX. “I wanted to give a tweak to my existing image, which I guess has been heavy with hip-hop and rap. I wanted to start afresh,” he stated at a press conference in November, according to a report by the Korea Herald. XX is an extension of his performance art–dramatic, creative with an ambiguous title to boot (he’s explained he wanted his listeners to have their own interpretations of it.)  The video for the lead single “Fiancé” features imagery around birds, dreams, fantastical landscapes and more. In addition to being involved in the entire concept, Mino also contributed to the set design–there’s a giant mural of a bluebird featured in the video which he painted himself. Several fans as well as popular YouTube channels like DKDKTV have attempted to decipher the meanings behind it and he’s thrilled to see all the various discussions. “It is one of the things I enjoy the most,” he says when I ask if he ever watches these theories. “Making parts that can be interpreted in various ways… I love watching them in various interpretations.” Could he tell us which theory got closest to deciphering his work? “I will never tell which one is correct or incorrect for more diverse guesses!” he teases.

“Fiancé” has also been appreciated for its unconventional combination of trot, a form of Korean folk music, and trap. To do this, the track samples Korean veteran singer Kim Taehee’s 1969 track “Soyanggang River Maiden” and blends it with bass-heavy, rolling trap and Mino’s drawling rap. “There was no intention to use ‘Soyanggang River Maiden’ from the beginning,” Mino says. “When the song was almost 80 percent complete, [YG Entertainment CEO and music producer] Yang Hyun Suk gave me an idea of putting a part of ‘Soyanggang River Maiden’ as a sample source, and it fit perfectly into the message and vibe of this song.” The haunting sample had younger fans enthralled and searching through YouTube to listen to the original track while applauding Mino for putting a limelight on Korean pop culture and history. Because in addition to the retro sound, the music video for “Fiancé” is a fever-dream blend inspired by the Korean Joseon dynasty and modern-day angst. In the clip the rapper wanders between fantasy and reality, dressed as an emperor as he searches the past, present and future for his one true love.

“I was getting to love myself, and everything [about that experience] is in this album.”

Is it possible that with younger artists like him using older genres like trot or paying homage to their history in music videos, it can help young listeners appreciate tradition a little bit more? Mino reveals that wasn’t really his intention at all. “In fact, I considered this song for older people than younger people,” he says, adding his plan was to erase misconceptions about hip-hop and ‘young’ music in the minds of older generations. “Even if the genre of hip-hop is popularized, it is still hard to catch up with higher age. So it seems like sampling of ‘Soyanggang River Maiden’ was a good plan for this song.” “Fiancé” has indeed added to the buzz around rappers defying expectations and stepping into traditional musical and visual territories. Hip-hop no longer has one definition and inspiration can come from anywhere. For Mino, the ideas for “Fiance” and XX came from several fragments of art. “I have so many things inspiring me, so I do not know which one to say first,” Mino says. “Among them, some works of  (Italian painter) Piero Fornasetti, various plants–especially blue roses– and the Japanese anime Devilman were in my mind. However, it’s my inner self that affected it the most. I stayed alone in the studio every time so I could be deeply involved in my work and I looked back upon myself.”

XX as a whole has been well-received thanks to its use of complex metaphors, puns and double meanings in its lyricism, but for Mino, making this record was about finding his true self. “I got down to work in earnest in the beginning of 2018 for this album,” he says. “It contains various songs ranging from a song written two-three years ago to a song written two weeks before the album came out.” The rapper has written and composed each and every track, taking a dive into his own psyche to unleash several different sides of himself. In a video teaser right before XX‘s release, Mino explained he’d made the album by “grating [his] soul into it” and the result is an LP that is diverse, clever, saucy and undoubtedly one of the best hip-hop albums of 2018. Lyrically, he tackles everything from waiting for a lost love (“Fiancé”) to calling out obsessive fans (“Agree”) and bold eroticism (“Hope”). He gets emotional on “Alarm” and “Her,” exploring heartbreak, his relationship with his fans and self discovery. “I was getting to love myself, and everything [about that experience] is in this album,” Mino tells me. “I got a lot of thoughts and experiences from it and I am so proud of the production process.”

It’s clear from the get-go that wordplay is key; in the vicious introductory track “Trigger,” Mino uses syllables in its Korean title to play on the curse word ‘shibal,’ blazing through verses of self-praise with swagger, while on “Rocket” he drops references to art, Korean mythology and more. It’s the realest taste of what he’s truly capable of and it surprises and delights in equal measure. The impressive roster of collaborators on the record include YG Entertainment’s biggest in-house producers Choice37 and Millennium, comedian and actor Yoo Byung-jae and up-and-coming vocalist Blue.D, among others. There was one artist, however, that Mino was particularly excited to work with. “It was all fun, but working with YDG was extremely impressive,” he says proudly of his collaboration with the Korean hip-hop veteran on “Bow Wow.” “It was one of my dreams from my childhood.”

Mino at a press event for ‘XX’ in November 2018.

With XX being his first massive solo effort, Mino confesses there were hurdles along the way that he hadn’t expected. “The toughest part was familiarity,” he says, adding, “When I listened to songs hundreds of times to make a song, I always got confused. That’s the hardest thing to me.” Working alone means more pressure and he says he finds it more peaceful when he’s working with the members of Winner– Hoony, Yoon and Jinu. “When I work alone… I get sensitive because I am dissatisfied with any result. When I work with Winner, it’s really a load off my mind. Each member has their own roles, and I think we fit in nicely with each other.”

Mino’s journey has been wild, difficult, rewarding and a little messy–we’ve covered a lot of it over the course of the interview, but it still feels like we’re scratching the surface. He seems to agree; there’s a lot more he wants to consume and learn and a lot more he wants to show all his fans, old and new. “I am always thankful to fans who have supported me from the beginning and everyone who has known me since yesterday,” he says. “I will try to put a little more of my own personality and style on next album, and I also want to challenge something that no one expected.” While the search for the ‘real’ Mino continues, XX is a chapter in his story that marks a significant turn; he’s found a balance between the sexy rapper we see with Winner, the exuberant hip-hop dudebro he turns into with MOBB and the expressive poet he is as a soloist. It might not be lightening in a bottle just yet, but it’s pretty damn close.