#but if i can be selfish for a second i’ve been so fucking upset all day and they know how shit this would make me feel

[amphibiangeorgerussel]

.

[ifwebefriends]

My thoughts during “The Sign” [SPOILERS!!!!!]

ID in ALT

More thoughts under the cut

So I think most of us can agree that this is the best episode of Bluey so far. It was so emotional and satisfying in ways that are kinda new for Bluey. It answered so many questions while giving us a few new ones. I’ve been waiting for this episode for months and it did not disappoint in any way.

This is just a Chekov’s firing squad of an episode. As in a lot of stuff that was set up in earlier episodes all pay off in this episode. I kinda understand why people love soap operas now lol. I will say that this episode was a tad overwhelming for me in the best way possible. As in I had to pause and rewind every 30 seconds or so so I could emotionally process what was happening before moving forward (but that’s a me thing). There was just so much going on and I’m happy about that.

Now onto individual thoughts about specific things:

The callback to Baby Race (“you took your first steps in that house!”) really got to me because Baby Race was the first episode of Bluey that I watched and it immediately made me fall in love with it so it just got to me.

When Chilli said “Frisky and I came up here as teenagers to…um…think,” my mind started racing immediately with “what the FUCK happened at the Lookout?” “Who hurt Frisky and/or Chilli?” And I’m just so curious about what made Chilli say that line like that but we’ll probably never know what happened.

So yeah that scene at the end when the music was playing and Bandit ripped the sign out of the ground and Chilli tackled him to the ground ABSOLUTELY CHANGED my brain chemistry y’all. I can’t articulate my feelings any more than that.

I know some people were upset that Brandy ended up getting pregnant but I thought it was great for her! I’m happy for her! And I think that even though she got what she wanted in the end doesn’t negate the feelings she had about her infertility earlier. But I think we’re all wondering who the father is and I don’t know if the show really needs to answer that.

The whole message of “we’ll see” in terms of if something is good or bad is such a mature message that I never really thought of like that so I will be taking that philosophy forward in life. Congratulations Bluey, you managed to teach a 22-year-old childless person something new and insightful about life that I don’t think I’ve learned from another show.

I want to know more about what Bob was going through and feeling and why he went to India, but again, we’ll probably never know.

I just love how the wedding photos were beautiful but imperfect. Like of course we’re not perfect and nothing will ever be perfect but it’s beautiful and worth remembering anyway.

So many little jokes and moments were so funny in a mature way (I.e. “are we allowed to do that?” And Nana thinking there was about to be a baby announcement) were just so funny and memorable.

I think some people would say it’s a cop-out to end up not selling the house after building it up for 2 episodes but I don’t know, I think it works. I think Bluey and Bingo learned a valuable lesson and Bandit (and Chilli kinda) learned it’s not always about making their kids lives “perfect” in their eyes. Also I’m just personally glad they didn’t end up selling the house and I also kinda like that it wasn’t entirely their choice to keep it.

On a more serious note I think this episode has some interesting commentary on like gender roles and gender relations in straight relationships. In this episode Chilli and Frisky (both women) have to deal with their male significant others pressuring them to move with them far away from what they know and love. In the end they don’t end up moving and the men didn’t seem to have like malicious or selfish intent with it, they were just kinda basing their choices off their jobs instead of what’s best emotionally for their loved ones. But I think it’s interesting to have this conflict where gender is kinda brought up in a way (“because your husband is making you”). It kinda plays into the traditional idea of like men are the breadwinners and the family has to move with them regardless of what they actually want. And this episode kinda like deconstructs that and says “no, it’s not always about the job or money, it’s also sometimes about connections and emotional attachment.” And I’m not saying that you should never move or whatever, but really weigh your options. I just thought that it was interesting that this episode kinda touched on that.

So yeah that’s kinda the main thoughts I had on this episode if you made it this far thank you for reading my rambles and have a good one!

[pleasantlycrazyworld]

Part two of this Worst!Logan request

A/N: Thank you for all the love on part 1; I hope you enjoy part 2 just as much! I have a lot of request that I am currently working on but request are still open for both Logan and Bucky!

Where we left off:

Logan was left standing in his room with wide eyes. Wade was trying to convince you that he loves you…why would you need the convincing? Obviously Logan knew that he needed convincing, like look at him? Hundreds of years older than you, from a whole different universe than you, full of a dark past and trauma…but you loved him too? Or at least you did before he threw a hissy fit tonight. 

FUCK! Logan yelled out when he realized that he had to go fix this now! 

*********************************************************************** 

Logan had to fix his stupidness. After the realization hit him like a truck he rushed out of the apartment with no shoes on. You only lived down the hall, something Logan was always thankful for, and he was even more thankful for it tonight. He reached your door in seconds and knocked on your front door with such force that he was slightly afraid that he might’ve broken the door. I’ll fix it later. He thought to himself as he tried to catch his breath and fix his hair before you opened the door. 

You opened the door far too quickly for his liking, yet way too slow. He was already in his head trying to convince himself that it was probably better for you to be mad at him, for you to not want him around anymore. That’d keep you safe…it would keep him safe. Feelings can be dangerous, relationships and getting close to someone can be dangerous. But he would die if he didn’t have you in his life anymore, he’s gotten greedy, selfish, he’s gotten comfortable for the first time in a long time and he isn’t ready to lose that yet. He won’t lose you, not when he knows you love him back. 

He was in the middle of fixing his hair when you opened the door, embarrassment flooded his body and he quickly ripped his hand away from his hair. “Logan?” You croaked out weakly, your voice thick with tears. His heart breaks in a way it never has before when he looks you in the eyes and sees the redness, the puffiness, the tears falling freely. “Oh. Oh darlin I am such a fool.” His shoulders fell and his own voice thickens with tears. The shame he felt when you started to reassure him made him want to dig his own claws into himself, he shook his head interrupting you and started going into a rant before he even realized what he was doing. 

“I am a fool! I was so wrapped in my own head that I convinced myself that for some fucking reason you were already taken and I didn’t want to get in between you and Wade-” You cut him off quickly, “Wade!?!” Logan winced when you exclaimed his roommates name, “I know okay! I know how ridiculous I’ve been, I was so blinded by you being close to Wade and all of the whispers and the sharing of clothes and the touching that I didn’t even notice the way you would get up early to make my coffee or stay up late when I had to work a closing shift even though you had to be up at 5 in the morning, I didn't notice that you always asked me how I was doing and never took okay or fine as an answer. I didn't even realize that you only cleaned my wounds and allowed Wade's wounds to get infected if he didn't clean them himself! I didn’t allow myself to see how much you cared about me because I still don’t think I deserve that; I don’t deserve tenderness, the soft caresses and whispers…I don’t deserve you darlin I just don’t.” He ended his rant with a whisper, nearly ashamed of himself for feeling this way and for admitting this aloud to someone as caring as you. 

He knows how much you care about him, he knows you won’t judge him or be mad at him for long, but he is so ashamed that he ever doubted you, there’s still a part of him that’s upset with himself for being so mad towards Wade when he thought you were with Wade. Wade deserves someone as kind and loving as you, Logan just wants to be greedy and keep you to himself.  You could tell that Logan was starting to get back into his head, he was starting to get that dazed off look in his eyes, it was like he was in another word when he started overthinking like this. “Logan” You called out to him before slowly touching his arm. “Why don’t you come inside? I’ll make us some coffee or tea and we can talk about where you’re taking me on our first date.” He looked at you with clear shock on his face, he was fully prepared for you to tell him to fuck off. Your laugh ringed through the air making his heart mend back together again. “Come on you fool” You teased him with a smirk and a quick roll of your eyes, he stumbled over his feet and ended up on your couch quicker than he could notice. 

It was the first time he had actually been in your apartment, and he never wanted to leave. Looking around it looked very you, very lived in, very homey. Your warmth surrounded him, your scent enveloped him, it felt like home. It felt like peace. 

You came back with two mugs and handed him his with that soft smile that he fell in love with. You sat next to him and started listing ideas for what the two of you could do for your first date; “We could go to dinner, we could watch a movie, we could go to a museum, we could–” You ended up sitting your mug on your coffee table in front of the couch at some point during your ramble, Logan wasn’t sure when it happen but he is positive that it did happen because he’ll never forget the feeling of your head on his shoulder as you finally decided where the two of you would go this weekend for your first official date. 

Tagging:

@userchai

@mahi-tamashi

@100percentlazybonez

@lanassmarty

@western-pyro

@misscrissfemmefatale

@marit332

@navs-bhat

@fluffy-b33z

@chaimshelii

@aoi-targaryen

@eyes-ofhell

@sad0ni0n

@fries11

@squishyfruitloop

@negan-morningstar

@p3ryt0n

@ayamenimthiriel

[tinfoil-jones]

Gravity Falls: For Your Own Good, Ch. 7

Summary: A few years after moving to Gravity Falls and having his lab built, Stanford Pines happens upon his estranged twin brother, Stanley. He mentally prepared himself to be suffocated by his brothers neediness all over again - what he wasn't prepared for was Stanley walking right past him like he didn't even notice him.

Rating: M for language, violence, and adult implications

Preface: Dialogue only, but some actions will be annotated for clarity. Cross-Posted on AO3 Here

WARNING: TW/ the topic of suicide.

First - Prev - Next

CH.7

“You really need to tidy this place up, Stanford. I know you live by yourself, but that’s no excuse to have papers and books scattered around like a dust devil came through.”

“It’s organized chaos, Fiddleford. I know where everything is.”

“And this pile of unwashed laundry?”

“I’ll get to it. Washing clothes is a waste of time, and I’m a busy man.”

“Uh huh, and this pile of unopened letters on your counter? What are all of these, Stanford?”

“Several of our colleagues started sending me letters en masse.”

“And you didn’t open or read them?”

“I received so many at once, it must have been an invitation for a convention. I wasn't interested in attending one at the time. I’ll get to them eventually.”

“These are dated over a year-.”

“Eventually.”

“You’re stubborn as a mule. At least wash your dishes. You’ve been categorizing your notes for the past hour - what are you trying to do?”

“I’m trying to find the definitive event.”

“For Stan?”

“Yes. You said that something extremely traumatic caused the memory loss; if I can identify what event exactly caused this, maybe I can fix this. The problem is, however…”

“Is that you’ve handled the situation in the most extreme way you could think of?”

“No. That isn’t it- and that isn’t true.”

“Mhmmm.”

“The problem is there’s too much.”

“Too much?”

“Trauma. He’s offhandedly mentioned terrible things- even when I met him in town, he had three stab wounds and acted like it was no big deal. And the more we ask, the more we prod, there’s more. The ones we heard were just the ones he was comfortable enough to mention, there has to be worse things he will not or can not speak of. And that thought… scares me, Fiddleford. I knew he wasn’t doing fantastic, but it wasn’t… It wasn’t supposed to be this bad.”

“That’s not your fault Stanford - didn’t you say he left home? It is sad he was too stubborn to ask you or anyone else in your family for help, but I suppose you two have that in common yeah?”

“...”

“I’ll admit that might have been tactless of me- Stanford? What’s- Hey! Hey now, it’s okay! It’s okay- I’m here for you.”

“...Five.”

“What’re you whimpering into your hands, now?”

“Five times. He wrote me a list of people who have tried to kill him in the past. There were thirty names.”

“That’s terrible, but not entirely surprising from what he’s-.”

“He listed himself five times.”

(...)

“How could you be so selfish?”

“I’m a selfish guy, I dunno what you want me to say.”

“Why do you only ever think of yourself?”

“Can’t afford not to. It’s dog eat dog out there, you know.”

“Will you take this seriously?”

“Will you tell me what you’re upset about this time? I can’t read minds, and I’ve known you for four days! Throw me a bone here, PhD.”

“You tried to- to take your own life?”

“Yeah. A couple times. Never succeeded, but that’s the story of my life.”

“Why would you do that? Why would you try something like-”

“Okay I’ve had enough of your judgemental bullshit. I’ve been playing along with your ‘missing twin’ narrative, the least you could do is not fucking go there. I’m a homeless criminal on the run all the time. You tell me why you think I’d want to die sometimes.

Use that big fucking brain of yours for two seconds and think statistics - homeless people kill themselves more than ‘regular’ people, so do prisoners and convicts. You’re both? Oooh boy you’re in for a time. You have to fight to survive all of the time, and sometimes… sometimes you just get so tired, you want to stop fighting you… you just want a break from it all. You want it to just end.”

“Stanley…”

“...”

“...Talk to me. Please. I’m not trying to judge you, I just want to understand.”

"...Let's say I am this mystery twin-"

"You are."

"I'm being hypothetical here, listen. Let's say I am this mystery twin of yours. Specs was saying he didn't even know you had a twin."

"How did-."

"You pressed the mute button, not deafen; I could still hear you. Anyways, your best friend didn't know you had a twin. So to your own best friend you never mentioned 'me' over what, at least 4 years or however long it took you to get a degree? Or in the years that followed? Not even once?

If I'm your twin, I can't have been that important for you to do all of this. I screwed something up, and you don't want me in your life."

"..."

"I don’t know what you're trying to prove here- if you’re going through some guilt or pity or whatever. I'm just some drifter! I don’t have anything, and I don’t have anyone. You shouldn't be wasting your time like this. I'm not worth any of the time or effort you’ve put into this. Even if I was who you think I am. Because that guy? That guy fucked up so badly you didn't think about him for ten years. And I'm just as big of a fuck up."

"Is that... is that what you think about yourself?"

"Stanford, that's all that I know about myself."

*Ford abruptly opens the barred door and walks through the forcefield into the cell*

"Woah woah, I'm not looking for a fight-."

*Ford hugs him, Stan just stands there*

"I wish you called, reached out to me, I-. I wish I reached out."

“...He probably wishes he reached out, too.”

To be continued...

[sociallyrepressed]

I’ve finally calmed down enough from Hungary ‘24 to give my two cents

(tw for absolute UNITS of blocks of text)

I feel like people forget that racing is a selfish sport at its core: there is only one winner. Formula 1 adds in the component of the Constructors, which means that drivers do have to somewhat work with their teammate, but in cases like Sunday (McLaren was pretty much guaranteed a 1-2 win) it really is down to the driver. I bring this up to say that the drivers are, at their core, also selfish (when it comes to racing at the very least). The MOMENT they pit Lando first and practically put him in the lead they should have realized what a struggle it would have been to switch back. He’s second in the Drivers Championship and pretty much every point matters. They should have pit Oscar first since he was leading the race and Lewis was far enough behind that Lando would have been fine. Instead, they left an opening for Lando to win and his pace those last laps was really good. At that point, they should have just let him finish p1 because what they ended up doing was humiliating and unfair to both drivers. And Lando definitely played some part in that, too, but again, he’s a racer, he’s going to gun it for first no matter what. Oscar earned that win all on his own merit from the get-go, and I’m so so happy and proud for him. It is unfortunate that McLaren fucked the strategy and it’s pathetic that they made him feel like he had to apologize for his maiden win.

Continuing on this last point, I was disappointed to see the podium celebration and Lando blowing past him, but I won’t speak on it too much because I don’t want. I just wanted to bring it up because a lot of people have strong emotions about it. The podium celebration and the cool-down room are such hot topics in regards to Lando’s behavior. I don’t want to justify his decisions by comparing him to others, but I’m going to anyways. I’m going to bring up Mad Max first because a lot of fans have a love hate relationship with him. We saw a glimpse of him on radio today and people loved it (some people didn’t, but not the point), and many fans are begging for the resurgence of Mad Max. I personally feel like Mad Max is even worse than the behavior in the cool down room, and people seem to be latching onto that. He’s very upset and being borderline rude, I’m not going downplay that, but he still congratulated Oscar and they acted like typical Landoscar while waiting to be interviewed post-race. So, other than the champagne spray on the podium (which could have been chalked up to him making sure he didn’t make Oscar drop the trophy or if he intentionally avoided spraying him, we won’t know since we’re not Lando) he’s been supportive.

Fans like to remind Lando that he’s not anywhere close to being on the same level of the greats such as Lewis, Max, and Sebastian. I will admit that I’m a newer fan and may not understand the intricacies of their relationship with the sport and teammates, but I’m pretty sure none of them would have been open to giving up p1 even if they only got the lead due to their team’s mistakes. Especially if they were second in the wdc. I would also like to bring up the Aston Martin thing. A good example of selfish drivers. Fernando allowed Lance to pass him with the promise that if he couldn’t overtake, then the position would be returned to him. Surprise surprise, Lance didn’t return it. If a driver didn’t return a position so that he could have a one-point finish, how do you expect a driver to react to returning a position that gives up a win. Probably wouldn’t expect him to give it back.

Anyways, I think McLaren lucked out with their driver lineup and the fact they respect each other so much. I think they got complacent after seeing how well Lando and Oscar get along that they forgot about how selfish drivers can be. Especially Lando, since he’s been with them since his start and he’s turned down other interested teams. He and Oscar have done so much for that team.

I’ve got more thoughts but I’m going to keep them to myself for now. Since both drivers have got a taste of winning, I’m excited to see what Spa brings.

And congrats to Oscar Piastri, a freaking Grand Prix winner !!!!

[princelylove]

Part two of my interpretations of la squadra esecuzioni. 

Ghiaccio is like a smaller Risotto. He doesn’t have a very distinct waist. He’s so picky with his food that it’s a wonder he even got that much distinct muscle- or maybe it isn’t, cutting is effective (in moderation, starving will only set you back on your progress). He mainly works out for his job, Ghiaccio doesn’t really care what he looks like. 

He has a strong nose, and although his lips are small they aren’t quite in the thin category, he has really nice bone structure… He just doesn’t realize it because he’s horribly insecure and feels inferior. He copes by not trying, so he can always rely on the ‘Well if I actually tried it’d be better’ type of logic. Once a year Prosciutto gets to wax his eyebrows. 

Not only does he know what mogging is but he knows where it originated. Because he was there. I’m dying on the hill that Ghiaccio knows what green text is. He’s appealed countless bans that all sounded like “I’ve never even fucking been on /mu/ you stupid fucks” (that all got approved the night of). He fills his mind with toxic masculinity, but isn’t into alpha male bullshit. Somehow he thinks hunter eyes are a thing but he draws the line at “smooth brained jock bullshit.” 

I cap Ghiaccio’s height at 5’9” or 175 cm. 5’10” or 177 cm with his shoes on. He’s got fantastic posture for someone that sits at a computer all day. Ghiaccio’s sensitive about it, teasing him about his height is a death sentence. What a good way to end up in a freezer. 

While he has a horrible temper, he cools off the second he gets it out of his system. Just moves on after smacking the shit out of his designated rage pillow like nothing happened. At least he’s coping. Not well, but an outlet is an outlet. It’s the same when you piss him off- he gets upset, says things he doesn’t mean, and then moves on. He apologizes like a father would- none at all, but brings you a snack or buys you something you’ve been asking for. He’s a big fan of the “Check if there’s mail.” approach. He genuinely does feel bad, but he’s not a little bitch that’s gonna tuck his tail in between his legs because he made his darling a little sad. 

He smells like absolutely nothing at all. It’s actually a bit frightening. Zero smell presence. 

Melone keeps every medicine known to mankind in his room, under his bed. He’s a great person to befriend if you find yourself in the hands of one of his roommates, but to be entirely honest with you, he’s selfish. He doesn’t really care about your agony because it’s got nothing to do with him, how does it benefit him to give you meds when he doesn’t even know you? (He budges if you belong to Prosciutto or Ris- he’s not pissing off his pseudo mom and dad.)

Melone is thin and mainly gets his exercise from running. His stand takes care of hits for him, he just needs to worry about the set up, so it isn’t really an issue. There’s no need for him to lift heavy, or really lift at all. Doesn’t really matter if he’s stronger, he just needs to be faster than you are. Sure, bash his head in, pick him up, aren’t you getting tired, though? Real sleepy? Go to sleep, it’s gonna be ok. 

Mel’s stand is possessing an actual computer he modified. He runs tests consistently with the blood samples he’s managed to store in his room- he knows the best combinations to get him what the boss wants, and as long as he’s got ample blood left over, what’s wrong with killing a few juniors off in the name of science? 

I classify Melone as apathetic and a bit mean. He’s an asshole. He gets a lot better once he’s comfortable with you, look at how much he plays with the rest of his ‘family.’ It’s just that he doesn’t know you, and doesn’t want to waste time on you if you’re going to get in his way long term. When you do spark his interest, of course, he gets obsessed and oh-so-curious. 

He’s still very playful- Melone likes to hang off of Formaggio’s shoulders and tease Ghiaccio, but he’s calm. He’s not very smiley, he’s not very giggly, he just can’t force himself to react in the ‘correct’ way most of the time, but he’s totally having fun! Melone loves you a lot, he just doesn’t look like he’s having fun most of the time. It’s hard for him to care about things, but you quickly rotted his brain- isn’t that testament enough? 

His seemingly cold nature makes it hard for him to form genuine bonds. Melone thrives with other difficult types- he shares a room with Ghiaccio (alternatively Formaggio) because they’re short on space and Prosciutto won’t share a room since The Incident they get along surprisingly well. 

In the beginning of your new life, it isn’t uncommon to hear Formaggio gently push Melone in the right direction. “Come on, Mel, you’re scarin’ the poor thing. Smile a little.”  (Which is normally met with “I’m running tests, go away, Formaggiooo…”) Melone’s shy- he’ll just stay off to the side, and speaks to you in a very formal manner. You might feel like you’re being tested on by a medical student. Which is wrong! Melone doesn’t have any medical experience! I mean, he’s taken classes, but he’s a genetics student. Oh, yeah, he’s in university. 

Once he gets used to you, he falls into his normal, playful routine. He still doesn’t smile too much, but he’ll speak more openly, which… is it better to not know what the iv in your arm is, or to fully understand? Melone’s quite the talker, and is happy to (over) explain. 

Melone doesn’t hide you like the others would- it isn’t shameful to him to kidnap a whole person, and he needs them to keep you here when he isn’t. Morals aside, you need to be socialized. It isn’t good to keep someone isolated and cramped in a room they don’t like. If you don’t want to talk to him, talk to anyone else. You’ve got options. Maybe not Prosciutto, or Illuso, they’re not going to play host as easily… (Although Prosciutto might ask what Melone’s “little friend” is gonna be having for dinner)

Formaggio’s body type is similar to Guido’s. He’s fairly bulky. Formaggio spends all of his free time playing whatever sport he can think of, neglecting to do his chores (You’re starting to think he likes Prosciutto yelling at him), annoying Melone, and blowing your phone up. He spends a lot of time working out, but he considers that to be more of a daily ritual than a hobby. 

Since his only real responsibility is taking care of his cat and his job, he’s not stressed at all. He’d be a lot more stressed if he had to cook, and clean, and, I don’t fucking know, be an adult or whatever- like the shit Pro and Ris do all day!

If you ever ask him about it, he’ll go “I mean, it sucks that Boss is watching us and all, but to be honest, who cares? You don’t like being on camera? It loooves you.” and leaves it at that. 

His psychology is a bit odd. He seems like a typical, immature guy- the type of guy you meet at college that does sports and seemingly nothing else. No interest in philosophy, religion, general culture, etc. While I think that his personality is close to a casual type like Guido or Squalo, he seemingly lacks any depth at all. There’s no “Oh, he’s actually very smart!” thing going on here, Formaggio is painfully average. There’s no reason for him to be a mafioso other than bad timing and a lack of drive to get away from it.

He’s actually pretty simple. He’s just a guy that wants to relax and have a little fun- who doesn’t like fun? But Formaggio is crazy insecure. He takes almost every negative reaction as a jab- neutral ones, too. If you’re not into his lifestyle, what, he isn’t fuckin’ good enough? Huh? You think he’s some fuckin’ nobody that doesn’t have the real talent it takes to be where he is? 

You can calm Formaggio by stroking his ego, and by that, I mean stroking him. He’ll forget about any transgression if he finishes a few times. 

He only speaks italian, and will “Huh?” you to death if you do not. He’ll buy you an italian-english dictionary to help you understand him, but won’t make any real effort to learn english.  

Formaggio’s kitty was a stray before he snatched her up. She’ll try to comfort you while Formaggio is gone- but she’ll abandon you if he comes back. Little traitor. He calls her a ridiculous amount of pet names- sometimes he’ll reuse whatever name he calls you on her, and will pretend he’s always called her it. Awww, my little pwincess, my cuuuutie, my baby, my angeelllll. He treats her very well- she’s a bit pampered.  While Formaggio’s cat is able to relax fully in his arms, you probably will not, unless you’re a masochist. He loves good, old fashioned sadism- no prissy mind games or punishments, he does it for absolutely no reason other than how funny your reactions are. He’s like that asshole boyfriend that throws a basketball into your face and laughs when you groan. Come on, it’s just a ball, don’t be such a baby. It’s just a joke. Aw, your face stings? You want some ice? Hey, that’s a great idea, why don’t you go get him something from the fridge?

[thiawen]

@alexanderlightweight You’ve been so prolific lately and with such great content that you’ve inspired me. Consider this a gift.

The Blessings of a Curse

“No. Absolutely not.”

Alec’s voice was hard and unyielding, a tone that made the rest of his hunters stand at attention.

“But you’ll die!” Isabelle cried out in dismay.

“There are worse things.” He told her with a cold certainty.

“Damnit, Alec!” Jace growled. “You have to! It’s fuck or die! Clary is offering!”

And that fact probably upset Jace the most. Alec was too disciplined to roll his eyes, but he certainly wanted to. Alec didn’t think for a second Clary was offering out of the goodness of her heart, even if she did find him attractive. Maybe she was mostly offering for Jace’s sake. Maybe she knew that if she didn’t offer, no other Nephilim would work with her ever again. Alec was positive that it was mostly so she could hold it over his head, even if she didn’t consciously realize it.

Nevermind that she owed him ten times over. He knew she didn’t see it that way. There were no debts between Shadowhunters, not in the field, and Clary seemed to think she was one just because she was a Nephilim. As if that alone was enough.

No. Clary would use it as a debt owed. She would wield it like a weapon against him, he knew. Anytime she wanted something from him, or to escape the consequences of her actions, or for him to give in to her reckless and/or selfish desires. She would bring up what she had done, like it was some great sacrifice on her part instead of his. Something she alone had suffered on his behalf and conveniently forgetting that he was only in this mess because of her. Alec would never hear the end of it.

“I would rather die.” He vowed.

“Please, Alec.” She pleaded, as if she weren’t offering a deal with the devil. “I want to help. I promise I’m okay with this.”

“Well I’m not okay with it.” He told her. “I’ve made my decision and I’m ready to meet my maker.”

“You really think Raziel would approve of you dying for this?” Jace asked him. “When you have a solution right in front of you?”

Alec can’t even describe how much he would rather fall on his own sword. “I’m positive Raziel will think I’ve died with honor.”

“Damn straight.” He barely hears murmured from somewhere in the Ops Center, the other Shadowhunters nodding in agreement.

Alec makes a mental note to give them all raises before he shuffles off his mortal coil.

“Alec.” Isabelle begged. “We can’t lose you. Is there any way you would say yes?”

“Find someone else.” He told his sister. Anyone but her, he silently beseeched the universe.

“There isn’t anyone else. ‘Fathered by a man of angel blood who consorts with the demons of Edom’ is a very specific requirement.”

At that moment, like an answer to a prayer, Magnus strolled in.

“I do believe my ears are burning.” The warlock smirked.

“Magnus.” Alec breathed. “You came.” He was so relieved.

He had hoped he could see Magnus one last time. It had felt selfish to ask him to come. But if Alec was going to die then he wanted it to be on his terms. What did the disapproval of the Clave or his parents matter when faced with the certainty of a painful death? He only had until midnight and he had decided to spend those hours with Magnus, to give himself what he wanted in his last moments.

He wanted to kiss Magnus and be kissed in return. To hold him and be held. He wanted so much with Magnus and he could only hope the other man would forgive him for being unable to give him more time. More than anything, he regretted that he had done nothing before now.

“For you, darling, always.” Magnus promised. “I heard you were forced to pick up the slack again and were cursed by a rogue Unseelie for your efforts. You really do need more competent help.”

“I really do.” He sighed in agreement, ignoring the protests from Jace and Clary.

“Can you break the curse?” Isabelle asked Magnus.

“Oh, absolutely. Tell me, Alexander. Did I ever tell you about my father?”

“No.” He frowned. “Why?”

“I am the son of Asmodeus.” He purred with a vicious smile, eyes glinting.

“The Greater Demon?” No wonder Magnus was so powerful.

“The fallen angel.” Magnus emphasized. “The King of Edom and all the demons therein.”

Alec stared for a moment, delighted. “I’ve suddenly found the will to live.” He declared. Then, he marched straight to Magnus and right there in the middle of the Institute, surrounded by Shadowhunters, he pressed his lips to Magnus’s in a desperate and passionate kiss.

[cementcornfield]

Brandon Aiyuk just signed!! Could this be a good thing for Ja’marrs case? (I hope so Bengals twitter is making me mad)

i saw!! thank god that particular saga is over lmao. but unfortunatley i’m not sure this is really going to move the needle much for ja’marr’s case since, i think in general, aiyuk is considered at least one tier below the caliber of receiver that justin, ceedee, and ja’marr are at. (but maybe this firms up the market a bit? one tier below = 30 million per, establishing that ja’marr NEEDS to be making more than that) 

and oh my god bengals twitter has me ENRAGED (going to use this ask to rant a bit under the cut, sorry!) 

ok like. i get it. the majority of us are never going to see the kind of money ja’marr is set to make, so i can understand the frustration people might feel. Especially with the fact that he WAS practicing, he WAS set for week 1, and now that rug has been pulled out from under us. everyone is understably upset. but being upset at ja’marr??? that’s bullshit in my opinion. he has so little power and leverage here, and he’s using what he can to advocate for himself against a CORPORATION with all the power! i’ve said it on here before, but it is insane to me to be on the billionaire owner side compared to a worker who is only ever going to make a FRACTION of the profits he brings to the league. 

and ugh, i keep seeing the argument: oh he has 2 more years on his contract! he’s being selfish for not honoring that! blah blah blah. ok, first of all, joe got a new deal when he had two years left on his rookie deal. no one batted an eye on that! and then you might argue, well, QBs operate under different rules, but! at least two receivers that i know of from ja’marr’s draft class, devonta smith and jaylen waddle, got their extensions this year! and that is GOOD for the team btw, it allows them to spread out all that money over more time, and eases the cap hits!! and waiting until the next year will ALWAYS raise the price! 

i’ve been doing some research on this and here’s what i understand about rookie contracts per the collective bargaining agreement by the nflpa…the owners negotiated the current system because they were mad that rookie contracts were getting out of control. guys were coming fresh out of college, never hitting the field, and were being paid absurd amounts of money!! and then sometimes, they’d be complete busts! but they’d still have to get paid. so the owners and nflpa collectively agreed on our current rookie contract structure, which is that rookies would make very little (comparatively) during their first four years (with first rounders have an added fifth year option that would add yet another year of control by the team). it became all about reaching the second contract for rookies, which is when they would really get paid what they had proven was their worth. PART OF THIS AGREEMENT!!! IS THAT ROOKIES ARE ALLOWED TO START NEGOTIATING A NEW DEAL AFTER THEIR FIRST THREE SEASONS PLAYED IN THE NFL!!!! this is part of what the owners agreed to!! this is one of the only advantages players get in trying to control what little they can!!! so FUCK EVERYONE who pulls that “he has two years left he needs to honor his contract” bullshit. this is part of the system that was agreed upon by everyone. ja’marr has EVERY RIGHT to negotiate for a contract that better reflects what he’s currently worth. and he is one of the best receivers in the league still making rookie money. why shouldn’t he try to get more?? 

why does he want it now? i was a little confused by that myself at first, because again, price only goes up, cap only goes up, he WILL get more next year (and if he has to wait until then, then fuck the organization and i hope he robs them blind tbh) (well no i don’t. i want him to get what is fair! which will be more next year unfortunately, sorry mike!!) and okay, we can’t know for sure, i always try to emphasize that we don’t really know any of these players and what their thoughts and motivations are. but if i had to guess, he’s just watched one of his best friends (tee) get completely screwed over by the organization (with a chance of him getting screwed again by a second tag btw!!) he saw another close friend, joe mixon, take a pay cut to stay with the team last year, have a productive season, and then the team got rid of him anyway. he saw jessie bates get tossed aside. he just saw evan take a deal that was definitely below market value. sure, the bengals say that ja’marr is different, that they’ll bend over backwards to pay him. but what proof does he have of that? how does he know that if he takes the risk of playing this year, he won’t get screwed over like the majority of players by this organization. and yes okay, that’s loaded language, the bengals aren't maliciously fucking everyone over of course, they’re just doing good business. but that’s what ja’marr wants to do for himself! and there’s no reason he shouldn't be able to! 

the bengals eventually (way way too late into the process) gave joe the deal he wanted. mike brown called joe the most important player and said that ja’marr was right after that in importance. so ja’marr wants to see if he means that. he wants to see if he really is respected and valued by this organization. good for him! and while he’s been using this "hold in" negotiation tactic, by all accounts he’s still been present and involved in the meetings and at practice as a coach-like figure. he’s been upbeat, positive, and DISCRETE (unlike other receivers this contract cycle 🙄). he finally starts practicing again, per his agent as a sign of good faith. and i can only imagine that the organization threw this back in his face with some lowball offer or refusal to continue negotiating, so now he’s back to holding in. so fuck mike and duke for that! in particular! 

woof ok this was way too many words and no one will read this. but god i just hope they get this resolved. i want ja’marr to practice. i want him to play in all the games he can. i want him to beat the chiefs!!! let’s just hope the organization finally comes around and gets their shit together. and until then, bengals twitter better put some respect on ja'marr's name!!

[meraki-yao]

This is gonna be really personal, and really venty and probably really selfish, and I’m most likely gonna delete it in the morning, but I feel like this is the only place I can talk about it, so I’m just gonna shout this into the void. If you’re not in a good space either, please stop reading and keep scrolling.

I’m not in a good place in my life right now. Truth be told my mental health has been shit since I was 7, but this is the worst I’ve ever been. Long story short, I was pressured into a college major that I didn’t want by family, and I thought I could pull through the four years of school, but it’s the first semester of the second year and I can’t handle it. I do not suit this major, nor do I find any purpose or joy in trying to deal with it. I hate it, I struggle with, yet it consumes all the time in my life. It’s been like this since the start of college, and it’s just getting worse. It doesn’t help that adults around me keep telling me how good this major is as a career and how I need to start looking for internships. It’s gotten to the point where I’m mentally and physically unhealthy, and I skipped school for the entirety of October without anyone but my sister knowing because classes gave me panic attacks. My parents aren’t people I can talk to about this because 1, they invalidate mental health issues as my fault for not trying hard enough because engineering and science came easy to them 2, they’re the ones who put me in this position in the first place. My sister listens but I help her more than she knows how to help me, and my friends are all busy with their own stuff.

I am seeking professional help on my own, I have bimonthly counselling which helps, and I recently started taking prescribed antidepressants. But for me to find a psychiatrist for a diagnosis on my life long issues and more meds, or for me to start looking into switching a major (which is a fucking arduous process where I am, fuck), I need to wait till I’m done with my exams which will be the last two weeks of December

So for the following month, I’m stuck, and fucked.

RWRB saved me in a way. I accidentally stumbled upon the trailer when it came out and suddenly I had a source of joy, a reason to keep going and keep looking forward to the next day. RWRB made me the happiest I’ve been since January of 2022. I can’t explain why, maybe it’s how I relate to Henry, maybe it’s how firstprince’s relationship is so beautiful, maybe it’s how it’s a rom com, I don’t know. But I have a couple of movies/shows that make a huge impact on my life, and RWRB is one of them. Waking up to something new, waking up happy with something to look forward to felt so good after so long of wanting time to just pass by me. I’ve haven’t watched a movie on repeat since I was 6 and repeating the original Lion King. I started this account because I had so many thoughts about the movie and I wanted to share them.

And I know it’s not the healthiest to hook all of my sanity onto a fandom/movie. But I’m not in a space where I can deal with my actual problems directly right now. And I do have other things in my real life that make me feel a bit better, but RWRB really has been the most effective/impactful one right now.

This is also the first time since Infinity War in 2019 were I followed a movie’s promo and release rather than discover it when all is said and done. And it happened to coincide with the strikes. Which again I’m supportive of and proud of the agreements they achieved, but the timing of everything just makes me so upset.

I thought that Prime would keep it going for a bit, especially after the strike resolved. And right now I’m not saying they’re definitively not doing anything. We don’t know that.

But I thought they would release a new deleted scene on 18th since that’s the date the last two deleted scenes were released, and it was the 100th day since release. When that didn’t happen, I thought they would release it on Thanksgiving. I lost sleep over waiting for it. But that didn’t happen either.

I got an anon ask who kindly but objectively explained the situation on the business side. And after reading and answering those asks…

I felt really fucking bad.

I kinda just lied down, panting and trembling.

It kinda felt like drug addiction withdrawal. Which is a morbid thing to compare it to, because if it weren’t for my myriad of problems this would just be a hyperfixation, but withdrawal is genuinely the only way I can explain my reaction (but to clarify I never actually did drugs)

And the following days I just had this ache and weight in my chest.

I think the reason my reaction is visceral is because RWRB is really my only, singular source of unbridled happiness right now. It’s literally the only thing I’m trying to hold on and stay afloat for, the reason I wake up in the morning. I thought Prime would keep going for a while with a relatively fixed monthly schedule of something new, but that broke off.

And that’s not to say that the fandom isn’t included in my RWRB happiness. I still fucking love the fanart and fanfics I come across.

But the jump from August and September to now, and my worsening issues because of school, it just hits harder.

I’m kind of at a lost right now. I’m getting worse in my own life with exams that I’ll definitely straight up fail (and I used to be a star student: I’ve needed academic validation my whole life) on the horizon, and I feel like I’m losing the only thing I held on to for the past couple of months.

I’m fucked and I don’t know what to do.  

[god-of-this-new-blog]

13, 14, 16, 18!!!

Yaoigami, my dear dear friend, I will be breaking up this post because I can not ever say something quickly. Skipping 13 because I’ve already answered it!

14. That one thing you see in fics all the time

A thing I LOVE to see is Light being so sooo repressed. It’s real, and painful, and hot. Love.

A thing I HATE is Sex God Light tm. Those who know me know that I hold the firm belief that Light is a total nightmare to bed. I love this about him and refuse to believe that he could be some super confident dom right off the bat. However, I see SO much fic where Light is super experienced and confident and just fucks L like its nothing asking to be called Sir or Kira or something. No. This type of fic also tends to have L as a super shy virgin that can’t even look Light in the eyes. L is 25 and the richest person in the world—I think he’s had sex before. Light, however, is newly in college, straight laced, disgusted by impurities, and living at home. He even has a throw away line about his mother cleaning his room if I’m remembering correctly. However. This is a take everyone knows I have… I’ll try to think of a more obscure one.

Oh I HATE innocent Misa. Misa is scary, she gets Light to agree to date her under threat of death from a supernatural being. Misa is not a good person. She is obsessive with Light and I think she scares him at time. Her demands to be physical with him should not be taken as funny. She is demanding sex under threat of physical violence. Light knows that if he really displeases Misa that she will have him killed. What’s more, Misa makes it clear that this will go on for the rest of his life. Yes Light is cruel to her too, but if at any time Misa decided that she’d had enough, she could have Light killed so easily. And the thing is I am WAY more compelled by this Misa. I want her to be frightening and I want her to push Light in upsetting ways. Misa is demanding, wildly selfish, often manic, needy, and so so lonely. She is grieving her parents and grief makes her terrible and blood hungry and incapable of being alone. And yet she is still doing something horrific to Light. I just like my fiction just dripping with conflict and confusing power dynamics.

One more! I HATE When Light’s family is depicted as totally abusive or perfectly lovely. I think Light is a product of his family—they are well off, he is a cop’s son, he is the first born son. Light is very very privileged. But he is also held to unreasonably high standards. He is also under an incredible amount of pressure to be perfect, to continue to hold his grades, to continue to be special. It’s easy to be special when you’re 5 and reading chapter books before you’ve been enrolled in kindergarten. It’s much much harder to be special at 20 when everyone has started to catch up. When you are in first place, second place looks terrifying, it looks like failure. I think Light’s family has inspired a deep sense of fear in Light and I think he doesn’t understand this. I dislike openly abusive Yagami family because well… Light would get it. He would know where his fears and displeasure come from. Perfect family just… bores me. It feels untrue—speaking as someone who was raised “gifted” (stupid word, but it defined all of my early life). I think his father yelled at him while he was learning his times tables, I think his mother seemed to love him more when he was bringing home prizes. I dont think he was ever hit.

[wjsns]

and u know what im ready to make my full statement on MENG MEI QI too. the situation is so crazy to me, basically now in 2023 some ujung wont even type out her name because 1. cheating scandal (WHERE SHE WAS THE 3RD PARTY, WASNT EVEN THE PERSON TO CHEAT ON SOMEONE) and 2. doesnt mention wjsn ever and to me that is literally HILARIOUS like, god its just soooo funny to watch everyone pile in with the loudest most popular opinion and not do personal critical thinking, or hey, maybe they did and what mmq did really WAS too much for them to still support her but in that case i raise an eyebrow because idk… a lottt of yall are the same people who will get online and write about loving evil women and letting girls be shitty etc etc and she literally gives you what you asked for on a silver PLATTER, like doing nothing cancellable just giving us a good wholesome woman being evil and selfish and obsessed w herself and everyone turns on her!!!! sorry shes not fucking chuu lmao!? (ilu chuu no hate but there is space for good AND evil girls in my heart😇) im sorry im SO unbothered by her being the other woman in a cheating scandal like i cant imagine something mattering less to me and it actually made me super happy to confirm she fucks even tho the guy was ugly😇 but i said kinda most of this already so SECOND OF ALL about her not mentioning wjsn and shit… another thing i literally have NO problem with?? again, like…… no one was more distraught than me at what happened to ot13 but these are REAL PEOOLEEEEEEEEEE?!????!??? i’ve said this before too but i think its worth mentioning, i think my perspective on WJSN has always been a certain way because i grew up playing soccer on a team of the same ~18 girls for over 8 years and im very familiar with, idk, “team dynamics” in groups of girls growing up together? so i understand what its like to be in a larger group dedicated towards this ultimate, performance based goal together and while not everyone out of those 18 girls is one-to-one best friends and lots of people have pretty significant differences, none of that matters “on the field” or when you’re “working”, and its actually lowkey beautiful hiw such different people can unite together to make their dream happen AND develop really long lasting strong relationships w each other when they would otherwise might not have. so ive never had illusions that wjsn as a group has this monolithic motivator or reason for being in wjsn or being an idol, they are all super different personalities and have different interest areas like acting, musicals, song production, MCing etc! so its really impossible for me to feel upset or bothered in any way when i hear complaints about mmq’s behavior in this area because im like ? she obviously has/had this solo career (that i have to believe she had way more control and stylistic direction over than with wjsn) in her home country where she gets to embrace her personal style and concepts instead of matching wjsns, shes clearly separating from that past image and going in a different direction w her career! it does make me bummed that shes not getting 13 stars tattooed like xiao did but again what am i gonna do, be mad that this artist who i really care abt as a person is going off on their own path and direction? cujung is a ROCK of this fanbase its not like a mmq wjsn mention is going to create millions more ujung and album sales? just never added up to me, IM not gonna feel some type of way about it because stan twit fucking tells me to, like how it feels a lot of ujungs react to everything! that one thing going around that was like “wjsn are coworkers not friends” was sooooo funny for me to watch ujung actually get mad about because like,,, they ARE coworkers? AND FRIENDS?! there are 13 of them? each person has a unique individual and complex relationship with each other person? ah idk why i even bother with these essays the avg kpop stans iq is literally 65 yall love being spoonfed parasocial relationships simulated for ur consumption so much u completely block out ​the fact they are real people

[enneamage]

wow we read tommy really differently. i don't think he was genuinely worried he'd upset anyone at all. his actions never seem to go along with that, take the money issue tubbo bought up for example. if he wanted to make things okay he would have paid up the first, second, third time it came up in an argument but he never has

to me it's all manipulation. i don't think he's evil but a lot of people grow up using emotional manipulation as a fucked up coping mechanism for the shame. the shame of being called out and not being in control of how others are reacting. it's a form of immaturity and selfishness that is present in us all to a certain degree as children, he probably needs to grow out of it because being a celebrity so young has stunted him and kept some of his brattish entitled elements

he needs to feel powerful and in control and tubbo took that away from him so he took the control back in a way that "works" but is a bit toxic. the way he always spins situations around so that he's the one that needs to be apologised to is masterful and nothing ever changes in his behaviour to indicate he is genuinely ever sorry for the other person's feelings. it's very much about him and his own rsd and wanting to be placated that he's a "good person" therefore doesn't have to take responsibility for whatever he's done

I think we’re looking at two sides of the same coin. Up front I’ll say he twists things as well—I took this event in isolation because he was clearly freaking out but he wasn’t turning that energy into self-righteous anger in a serious way (this time.) I haven’t been following the debt thing so I’m not sure what the context or tone of that overall conversation is, but I can touch on the rest. It was the ‘cleanest’ example of him trying to people-please I’ve seen from him even if he did it in a dumbass way.

When Tommy is acting with The Audacity I can see why it would be hard to believe he’s afraid of anything but a big part of how I read Tommy is that he spends half the time moving towards things that freak him out so he can handle them, like a pre-conscious thing. It doesn’t make him humble when he’s ‘in a mood’, it just makes him act out. In the case of the fear of abandonment he gets up on peoples cases and bargains and pokes and gets in their business to try and prevent it because they can’t withdraw if he’s in their face.

I might be using a lot of woobie-words so I want to be clear that when I talk about how he freaks out easy I’m not implying that it should translate to other people being more sympathetic to him. He’s just a very interesting bug in a jar that has a lot going on and I want to try and explain why he acts up the way he does because it has an internal ‘logic’ that floats outside external ‘justice.’  

I agree that he needs to get out of his ego and be less afraid of being ‘the bad guy’ because ironically I think it would make him act like less of a jerk. Being more mindful instead of taking things/his own moral character for granted seems like a slow arc he’s on right now and it sucks to see the demons win, I just have to sit back and hope that “I think funny, I do funny, I am sanctified in this” youtuber brain doesn’t turn out to be terminal, even though it honestly might be. His need to turn things around to keep his sense of self safe really is a big problem (rip c!Tommy) but lately there’s been a bit of a tone shift from genuine self-righteousness to self-deprecating (still manipulative as you say, still a grab at sympathy/way to subvert shame) so the needle is moving… a bit. A tiny, tiny bit.

It's kind of a higher level conversation to talk about how fawning/begging/acts of desperation can be manipulative. It’s still relevant, just not what I would want to lead with as an introduction to a fawn response since there’s a lot of weight around the topic and I want to be able to link back to the post if it comes up for other people in the future (Wilbur does it, so does Q, probably a few others I can’t think of right now.)

It’s true—he freaks out, takes things and spins them around because he doesn’t like being out of control. It’s a bit of the fear of vulnerability that his ‘brother’ has, and it can come out just as shady when he lies down under someone else’s shoe and then scolds them for stepping on him. The other day it seemed like he was burning up from embarrassment / shame and using a bit of that, but he was mainly taking the fawny self-deprecating route because why is he talking about his dick being small again good lord—

[epipenis]

i want them to suffer. i want to take back control. i wish id never gotten this far, this deep. i hate the idea that they think of me this way, that they’re better than me because they had a therapist telling to to do self care and about roll confusion. i’m so fucking mad and sad and hurt. i want to hurt them. but i cant. i have nothing. and its cruel. i’m just so so so fucking tired of feeling so incredibly exceedingly unappreciated. get out of my life. stop leaching off of the limited resources i have. do you even fucking realize for one second how much i’ve given up for you. how much i’ve begged and bared everything and lit myself on fire to try for you and you have failed me again and again and again and now i want you gone. and that anger and pain is so much stronger because i can’t get rid of you, i can’t have things go back to how they were, i can’t make you less selfish and ungrateful. i fucking hate you so much…. because i’ve loved you beyond what is even reasonable, or ultimately sustainable or healthy…. and it literally could never be enough. because you were never enough. and i’m a fucking fool for taking you on. i want you gone. i want you far away. and yet i want so desperately to have you see it. to have you appreciate it. at this point i just want to watch you suffer under the pain i’ve been carrying for so fucking long and literally dragging you along while i get dragged back. i’m worse off than i’ve ever been and you have barely made any growth……….. you’ve made some but it’s not even close to enough. it’s not enough. and you still dare to complain and burn the money you’ve been given. amanda said it themselves- not even if regard to me, but in regard to themselves, to jeff, ryan, rainey. “i don’t think they’ll ever realize how much good will they’ve burned”. i will never tell you these things…… bc some insane part of me needs to see you succeed because otherwise what the fuck was any of it for, and i think that could only make you crumble. and frankly i resent you for being so fucking weak that i can’t even tell you this shit. i can’t tell you anything. there is no room for growth or discussion. i always have to monitor everything i say. and you just blow your feelings all over the place. even when im begging, fucking begging. you still have to be in more pain. i hate you. i fucking hate you because i thought you were better than this and you just fucking aren’t. i hate you because you’re a reflection of all of my worst qualities and because of the pain i’ve put myself in. i want you gone. i don’t want any of the people who are supposed to be nice and to care for me give any more of that to you. i begged them to. begged. over and over again. and they gave everything even when they had nothing and i lost so much and you gave me so so so fucking little. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you i want to hurt you, emotionally, physically. i want to punch you. i worry that if you do it again i wont be able to control myself. don’t fucking touch me. how dare you be upset that i don’t say i love you. how dare you. i fucking hate you so god damn much you’re so weak. you ask for truth but you can never handle it and i always have to pick up the pieces im so fucking mad that you dare ask for patience again and again and again. you’re so like your sister. you’re awful. get away from me. how could you do this to me. you promised me it was worth it. and it just fucking isn’t. how could you fail me like this. am i really that meaningless. am i nothing. is anything i will ever do worth anything…….. i get you. because i trusted you. and i worked so so so so so fucking hard to help you figure out how to take care of yourself so that you could do the baseline and treat me with respect and trust and acknowledgement and love and gratitude and want and i never fucking got that shit. get out. get out……… i’m so mad because you tried…. because this was your best….. because i have cherished and respected and encouraged you and am grateful to you….. and it was t enough. and you will blow up again. do i ask for too much?

no. i have to believe i dont. maybe i didnt always ask in the best ways. maybe sowntimes too much. but you always gave what i didn’t want and didn’t give anything i begged for, and then acted burnt out. whose fault is that…… fuck. i’m so fucking hurt. how could i give away everything i have had to you. get the fuck out. get out…… even this pain wouldn’t have you realize it. you would be too busy playing the pain olympics and hating yourself and feeling judged. “i don’t have parent trauma” my fucking ass, fuck you, you’re so unaware. i want to kick you until you figure it out. because your stupid fucking bs has hurt me- so deeply. and even when i told you that it didn’t fucking matter and it had to be about you. is it because ‘i have things you don’t’. fuck you you selfish sinister neurotic narcissistic self centered traumatized and weak and helpless, hopeless, blind, stupid fucking bitch.

i hate that i tried to make you better when you fucking didn’t actually want it. not really.

and now i’m worse.

and i’m selfish. and awful. maybe i’ve only survived this long due to a saint complex………. kill me. but then again, i really believed in you…. and now i hope no one ever does again.i hope they all give up. i hope you never find someone to love you, hold you, make you cum, take you in, share their love, their community, i fucking want to burn your clit off. i want to tattoo on you the pain you’ve caused me so you never forget. i want to kill you and myself because i hate the idea of being this fucked and thinking this low of anyone. i just……… wish to god, please god, lord, savior, god, God. i wish this had t gone this way. i wish it was over. i wish you were better, somewhere far away, and i was happy….. i wish i hadn’t given up so much, i wish i could have it back. i hate you. i want to bite you. i want to choke you out. i want to tie you down and punch you……….. im nothing. i’m fucking nothing. and now i’m the scary and fucked up one. and now i’m the one you’ll work through in therapy. it’s me. i should’ve left a long long long time ago. but i didn’t.

take some responsibility. punch me, hard. do it first. so i can punch you back. i want to see you and hear you in pain. i want to be in pain. i want to be dead because i don’t want to be in pain and because i give up. i’m the fucking worst. i’m the tyrant. why didn’t you run. why did you have no one and nothing else. why are you still so sweet and tempting, why are you still so beautiful, why did you hurt me….. why did you hurt me. why. why. was i never enough. why did you do this. please just. fucking go away so i don’t have to hear you answer and i won’t even get a chance to ask because really want kind of sick unwell masochist am i to ask that question. at this point. i’m so hurt. i’m tired of begging. pleading. there’s no hope.

now i dry my tears and prepare for a war. what will i do. how strong can i be. what will it take. how far will i go. now that i see it, i want out. how do i sustain this. why. why are you like this. i hate you. you’re nothing. you are nothing. and it’s too late.

please hold me…………. don’t fucking touch me.

oh how things have changed. i can see the path walked a million times over, and im walking along side it. its littered with gravestones, id put a flower at every one. it’s frozen now. i can’t go back.

why couldn’t i have met you when you were better. would you have gotten better without me? am i really so se centered to believe that’s true? but then i look at how insanely fucking hard i’ve worked, and how little has changed, and i think……. maybe. and then i see you making progress. and i resent you for me. there’s no progress for me, when do you work on us, when do you help me. when do you stop thinking you’re so fucking perfect. you’re pretentious. and insolent. and stubborn. and childish. you are childish. no matter how much you know or what parent figures you have in your life or what you believe you’re doing and preforming. you are weak. and not in the ways you coddle yourself for. in the ways you praise yourself for.

no more flowers. don’t miss them. or i’ll hate you more. just leave. and never come back to this grave yard. not unless you bring your own flowers.

fuck you. for never helping pull the wagon. for dragging me down. for thinking to highly of yourself and so little at the same time. fuck yoh. fuck……… i want the tears to stop. i want to ache to stop. i want you to keep asking so i can keep denying. i want you to suffer. i want to take away everything i can. we’ve been down this road before. and i brought us back. and now. “whatever im going through” and it’s triggering you. i just……….. want to bite you. tie you down so you can’t stop me or scratch me, and bite you. i’m tired…………. im so tired. i want to feel the tired, that sad exhaustion and rest and peace in pain. but i want to bite you first.

ok. now that i’m sufficiently marked for inpatient. and you’re doing so well.

run good for you by olivia rodrigo. i told you one day it would be the song i played after we broke up. and you told me no… i should’ve known then.

💐

goodbye. i’ll miss you. and i’ll hate you for making me miss you. make it quick. give me a reason to hate you.

[crackedmarrow]

What I feel is a hole within my body my very being. I would rather evaporate and turn in rain water for folks who wish for summertime rain to water the crops they survive off of. Being of use and used to benefit those in need of those trying to survive. This shell I carry only attracts more bruises and beatings. Either the heat or just everything around me has triggered me in to the ultimate hermit mode. I don’t really wanna talk to anybody about sad shit just regular banter would do. Nothing personal nothing serious or anything that could possible evoke any emotional response will do.

Yesterday I didn’t really feel the need to eat honestly I didn’t want to eat today I ate and it was good something to put on my stomach. My mind is blank and the only thing in my head is to separate myself from everyone and everything to avoid anymore whatever the fuck is going on. My dreams aren’t crazy but it’s alot of weird shit going on in them. I can honestly say that they don’t mean anything but just a little bit of humor or a sick joke. People trying to carry own conversations with me which I find FUCKING weird. Fake gratitude for having me around. I see every single fake thing for what it is. I am however upset with the stupidity of alot of people I think I’ve peaked with the number of times I’ve shut down today oh wait I was sleep most of the day. I know this my much I cannot give up on anything because it wouldn’t be worth it because there is so much to live for so much to do but I’m not gonna lie little obstacles and places of stagnancy will do it every time it will leave you questioning everyone and everything. Maybe it’s just paranoia. I can’t even think of a song that would put me in a mood what sense of understanding am I looking for to be saw… what am I really feeling. I’m obviously not numb I’m feeling something maybe I want to forget what I’m feeling or forget why I’m feeling a certain way. I’ve felt worse and gotten through that. I’ll be okay but I do need an escape from this hell hole of a shell. To be away with all the troubles I create in my mind or those I actually experience. In the spirit realm a lot of wocky shit has been going on and I am at no point of desperation to act on those things I’ve been seeing. If even in the dream realm I ignored it I know I physically can. It’s crazy though because I’m not angry at what I thought I would be angry with it’s the validation the sanitizing and sweeping stuff under the rug being overly forgiving. The mental battle to protect someone else which in a sense isn’t my responsibility. Older child syndrome I guess. None of my thought are making sense I just wanna read write and sleep I actually wrote a little today but it makes it no better that I did for 15 seconds imagine myself throwing the sheets over paper and letting out all of my rage followed by loud screams of everything I suppress. I could tell about anything to be honest but that would be one large projection of all the shit I have been scorned by. I’m not the type of person to dwell for so long but I don’t like to not address certain things. Cycles playing out again and again and the common denominator is me. Oh no this is no way of blaming myself oh babe I admit to my wrong but I think the experience and the people are similar some have more respect than others some I feel so the same shit over and over again. Knowing Knowledge of one’s pain and then doing the same thing. People use other peoples weaknesses for a sense of control a reason to belittle you because either in actuality they are inferior to you or they have low self esteem. It all sums up to the same thing. They talk about a god complexes maybe I do have one but I feel like it took a lot to get to that point. I feel that alot of the shit I do other people can do. If not better but if they try but some people just can’t do the same shit they aren’t wired for that. The more I think about it being selfish and alone don’t seem as bad it might strip a few of my future plans apart but to be alone may not be such a bad idea but then again I could just be saying that with hints of the emotions I suppressed. I hate having expectations because that shit will always let you down but the hard minimum is fucking insane like you can’t past a simple entry test just dumb asf trying to play smart and end up looking foolish I don’t even wanna be able to feel what someone else feels anymore because if it ain’t what should be felt I might just go off… but that’s other people. When I’m alone and I focus on myself some good comes out of it always no questions asked. Miami coming soon and all I can think about is not fucking being a party pooper

[starwberycow]

I have no hobbies I want yo say “I’m no longer interred in my hobbies” but no I have no hobbies at all not even fucking gaming I’m just generally not interesting my only way of conversation is to lie my way to be interesting or say some dumb shit people find entertaining. I can’t sleep anymore yet I can’t get out of bed I’ve lost all motivation. I’m an I can’t be bothered talking to people anymore yet i hate being alone. Everything and everyone is posing me off sometimes even people just breathing pisses me off I can’t be in a room with to many people or I get mad of no reason. My hands are shaking so bad it’s part of the reason I did horribly on my exam and failed another. I thought it was my anxiety making my hands shake but I can’t control or try and stop/minimise it like I use to be able to. I don’t take care of myself I can’t even find the motivation to move or shower, I don’t do my insulin leaving me with high ass glucose levels for hours effecting my legs even more I’m losing blood flow to my legs and it’s hurts me to walk to far without MASSIVE rest breaks. My dad is a bipolar dick who makes me feel crazy I can’t even trust my own thoughts I can’t trust anyone with what he’s been saying and it’s affecting other people I’m reading to deep into messages and over analysing words and punctuation in messages. I feel hopeless I feel like a failure I failed one exam and did mediocre on other and I know that when I see my mum next I’m going to get yelled at for a subject she wanted me to be in one I’m not great or even good at I want one person to KNOW me like one of those cringe fluff fanfics that the love interest knows all of their lovers little things and shit they do or how they react to stuff but it’s so selfish and hypocritical because I don’t think I could ever know someone that deep I have been feeling nothing for years and I know it’s not normal but it’s easier to act the way I need to be socially accepted then to feel how I normally feel. I what someone to listen when I say no, no I don’t wanna go out, no I can’t hang out today, no I can’t have a sleepover stop asking just NO, just fucking no it’s never enough I need to have a good enough reason to say NO, I’ve waited for it to get better and maybe I’m impatient but I’m sick of waiting I’ve waited for everything else in my else and I’m done this is one thing that needs to hurry the fuck I’m up like please or not time I drive I will crash. The trucks next to me are trying really hard to seduce me and it’s low key working

I swear I want someone on my side that isn’t actively trying to make me hate everyone I know or turn on other people for reasons that only affect them or trying to make me hate myslef and second guess everything I say and do. Every time I’ve had a friend and a good one I’ve fucked it up and yes maybe it’s because I was younger but now I am so lost in what’s going on I can’t keep up like drama genuinely confuses me it fucks with my head I forget important things and I mix up things making the whole thing worse sometimes I haven’t mad connections nor real ones i feel like if I killed myself I wouldn’t be remembered highly or even for a long time no one but my family would be deeply effected and it hurts but at the same time I don’t want to die and make people upset even my family I feel like they would move on quickly. Is it just me talking and I have no idea, yeah, but I can’t help it my mother is an immigrant from a third world country which is considered one of the most dangerous in the world and yet here I am complaining that life sucks I can’t say shit I’m meant to be an example for my siblings and a good daughter a good successful daughter that can nearly pass English and belay handle school work. I wanna do vcal idc wnat anyone and I’m not letting people talk me out of it I’m done. BRO don’t even get me started on the gay daughter thing I’ve been brainwashed as my ‘amazing father’ would say idc what my dad says but my mum she would be so disappointed and my brother he would hate me be discussed with me I can’t do that to him. Him and my sister all I have left if they do well I’m doing well if they are happy I am I can’t have one or even both hate me

I can’t have the kid I failed hate me even more

I’m a horrible person

A horrible friend

A horrible daughter

A horrible sister

This once again got kinda off track which is cute and if I have spelling miss takes please don’t point it out I will cry 🫶

[dumbbitchfrommars]

I’m annoyed so I’m going o rant and go to bed so it’s done and can be left with today. I’m annoyed and feeling unrecognised and under appreciated.

Perhaps is this why her sister has distanced herself? Is this the toxicity that I knew existed but hoped wouldn’t come to reveal itself to me?

I don’t like her family because they’re white and superficial and so so boring. I can’t even pretend to engage or be interested in things that mean nothing to me… it could be as simple as me being me and them being family. It’s completely fair and understandable and expected. Once an outsider, always an outsider.

One good thing I can say is I love Istanbul. I would happily move here one day. It is beautiful and charming and interesting and cool, and somehow I feel safe amongst its chaos. It reminds me of Sri Lanka but also of Melbourne, and Europe mixed together.

Anyway, I feel overlooked. Every time I’ve made a suggestion that was overlooked, that plan backfired. We end up following my original plan, that I get put down for. What’s the point of me saying anything in the first place if you won’t listen?

Furthermore, the best experiences had on this trip thus far have been organised by ME. I booked the flights, I booked the tour that you so happily shared with your cousin (despite implying it was boring and not your cup of tea…), I found the gorgeous beach we spent the day at. YOU made us waste money on entry to a lake we didn’t even spend any time at. YOU made us waste time and energy on a shitty Airbnb for your insisted “space for the wedding” and now o have anxiety in a dodgy room. YOU made us walk in the heat for ages only to get a taxi like I’d originally suggested… when you know I have an injured shoulder. God, you can be a selfish person sometimes. YOU walk around sticking out like a sore thumb, too polite and white and attracting scams like bugs.

I love you but I know you can be a dark sided person. You’re lazy and refuse to compromise on my needs and wants for this trip. This trip that I paid all my savings and the same amount of investment that you did, and therefore deserve the same amount of control of what we do. Eh are we wasting money on Airbnbs when I explicitly said I wanted yo MEET PEOPLE AND MAKE FRIENDS. ? How many people have I met? None. Besides your exhaustingly caucasian family. No, but I’m sure they’re actually really very nice. Nice like your sister. Or your mum.

You can’t replace a plug you took out? You can copy past a code that I now have to write out entirely from memory? You can’t take an extra second to make my life more convenient, can you? So fucking lazy. And you insist on paying for everything only to tell me the amount before conversion, giving me a million extra things to do at the end of the day. Cant you simply do it yourself? Or constantly demanding my attention WHEN IM TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ALREADY. cant you fucking wait for one second while I get my shit done. I can’t even THINK FOR A MOMENT WITHOUT YOU ASKING ME TO DO SOMETHING. figure it out on your own! Jesus fucking Christ! I need a break from her. Stop leading me on goose chases and making me look like a fucking idiot. We look like a couple of idiots when your in the lead.

I am evil for saying these things but it must be done or I won’t stop coming back to the thoughts. I am angry and upset and frustrated and sick of being ignored overlooked disrespected and dismissed. If it weren’t for me this entire trip would be in shambles. Genuine fucking shambles. I have all the ACTUAL addresses. I have all the flight times. I organised everything for you as a favour to you. And you can’t as little as make a fake id for me to use when you literally made a promise to do so?

I despise someone who doesn’t live up to their words. I’m constantly apologising and stepping on eggshells to make you happy and you can’t even find the tiniest effort to meet my expectations. The disrespect is strong. I’m very disgusted by it. I know my worth and it is not this. I won’t be letting your laziness affect this trip negatively anymore. I am taking control and I don’t care if it bothers you because you are not responsible enough to do it yourself.

I will listen to music when I want to. My music. I will read when I want to. I will appreciate men when I want to. Privately. Unjudged. I will walk as far as I like. I will prioritise my health because that matters to me. I will meet new people and travel independently because that is what I wanted in the first place. I will stay silent when I want to be silent. I won’t engage in superficiality for social niceties because that just ain’t me. I am deep and complex and interesting and I won’t water myself down for you or for anyone for that matter. Don’t think this trip is any exception. I invested in this trip for ME. so I come first. ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t care if you’re bored of me!!! I will entertain myself! I don’t have to be here if you don’t want me to be! Leave me alone !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!