#but if I start going grey I'll get lighter again I think

[cy-cyborg]

Tips for writing and drawing amputee characters: Stump Scarring

This was something I had originally intended to mention in this post but felt it deserved its own separate post.

A lot of people, when drawing and designing amputee characters, draw their characters with these big, gnarly looking scars all over the stump. I get why people do this, but in reality, most amputees have stumps that look more like this:

The only scarring that is inherent to amputation (meaning most amputees have) is a very thin line right at the tip of the stump that comes from where the stump was sewn shut. After 5-10 years though, these thin incision scars will fade to be nearly invisible in most folks other than the indent it usually leaves in the skin.

Of course, there are exceptions! My own legs are covered in heavy scarring like the pictures below.

but typically, you only see this in amputees who lost their limb in ways that required them to also need skin grafts, such as from a burn (fire or acid), gangrene, some types of rapid-onset sepsis, or particularly brutal animal attacks.

For context, I used scars from meningococcal as reference here.

I think this is another reason a lot of people, particularly in 2D comics and animation, cover their amputee character's stumps, because they think all amputees have scars like the ones in the second image and I'll be honest, that's a lot to draw when you're drawing it over and over again, but unless your amputee also needed skin grafts bcuase of their injury/illness, their stumps will look more like the first images.

Fun fact: on particularly pale skin, scars can change colour depending on temperature. scars have less circulation and the blood vessels are closer to the skin, which means if you don't have a lot of melanin, your scars can turn a grey-ish purple colour like so:

This information is brought to you by an especially pasty white person in the southern hemisphere (where it's winter atm) who's scars haven't seen the sun since june lmao.

A quick final note: If you look up "burn scars" or any other similar type of large scarring on google a lot of what you get are fresh scars, so they're going to look different than the ones here. On pale skin, large scars like the ones above start out very dark red and will fade to look more like the images here. The same is true for dark skin, typically fresh scars will be much darker in colouration and will fade to be closer to the natural skin tone with time, though on both, they will always be very visible. Some types of scarring on darker skin tones can cause the skin to become lighter, but they don't usually turn entirely light pink like I've seen some folks draw. This is why it's so important to look up references of the type of scar your character has AND how that looks on their skin tone.

And as always, listen to POC and seek out the recourses specifically made by them, especially if you're drawing characters with darker skin tones. Their lived experience will always beat my "what I found through internet research and from talking to friends"

[thoughtssvt]

geto suguru x depressed reader

cw : emotional hurt/comfort, mild depictions of the hidden parts of depression that nobody really wants to talk about - having trouble doing basic tasks (bathing)

your clothes felt a little too heavy. your eyelids. the little peach fuzz on your cheeks. the muscle rested against your tibia. they were all just a little too much to move.

you've been feeling this way for a few days.

despite the summer sun shining hot through the shutters of your bedroom window, yesterday's memories are clouded by grey skies. colors dull and muted. seventy-two hours gone by and you can't really remember what they were about. doom scrolling, sleeping definitely. there's a good chance you hadn't left your bed at all.

you were starting to feel gross. maybe the heaviness came with the oil that slicked the strands of your hair together or the dead skin that sat atop your forearm. god, why did it have to be like this? why couldn't you just get up and walk to the shower? why was it so hard?

you were in the same position you'd been in the last week when suguru found you. a few days of missions and a few more of concern until he decided that crossing a boundary would be worth it to see if you were okay. you'd given him a key, but he'd always been respectful of your space, never barging in uninvited until today.

you cringed at the way he cupped your face, his fingers and palm splayed against your greasy locks so he could sweep a stray strand from your forehead. he didn't mind, though. you know he didn't. he'd been there. but you couldn't help but shy away at the vulnerability. being in front of him like this.

he leaned in for a kiss and you shirked away. the most movement you've done in days. insecurity, guilt, shame. all piling on top of you. "I haven't showered in over a week, suguru." you'd said.

now you stood in the shower, curtain drawn as the cold tile froze the back of suguru's thighs and the protruding bones on his ankles blushed an angry red at the pressure he put on them sitting crisscrossed on your bathroom floor, his back to the shower.

"i'll sit with you and we can just... talk." he'd said it so gently, a small smile on his face. his words doing most of the heavy lifting as he pulled the blanket off and brought you to sit with his hands supporting your elbows.

you'd been in there a long time, you at least knew that. the water pelting against your back as you stared at your feet, listening to suguru ramble, never letting silence fill up a single crack so you wouldn't feel alone. not even for a second.

you finished somehow, your body feeling lighter as he spoke. his voice smooth and just loud enough to be heard over the splashes of water. like it was a normal conversation he was having over the phone. he sat there as long as you needed him to.

"feels better, doesn't it? we can do this again whenever you need it." he said over the rim of his hot tea, your own hot mug in your hands as you sat at the dinner table waiting to have your first proper meal in weeks. "but if you don't feel up for it you don't have to be ashamed or feel guilty," he murmured in that same silky timbre that went on and on while you were in the shower, planting a soft kiss against your forehead. "this isn't something you have to go through by yourself. i love you just as you are."

A/N : i dunno i just had this scene in my head that i couldn't stop thinking about but also didn't know how to end so honestly i am a little unsatisfied with the ending, but i do hope this gave you some type of solace. you are loved even if your brain makes you feel otherwise <3 i also have a few more depressed reader x jjk men ideas that hopefully get better over time. i think these are the types of fics i wanna put out into the world please bear with me while i learn how to do so <3

geto x reader masterlist

heart chain divider and purple line divider by @/adornedwithlight

[dira333]

soulmate AU: if your soulmate colors their hair, your hair turns the same color + ATSUMU!!!!!!!!!!

THE WAY I GIGGLED AND KICKED MY FEET OMFGGGGG

for some reason i'm picturing the fic being like a through the years type of thing? where when you're kids your hair is just a normal brown but then in middle and high school it becomes a sort of ombre bleached blonde and it's just your journey with your hair and you wondering why your soulmate doesn't take better care of theirs lol. i also picture it like you see atsumu on tv a lot just because he's a really famous volleyball player and you have a little bit of suspicion but you don't think too much about it because he's really famous and there's no way you would be soulmates with this celebrity (who's known for being boyish and charming and flirty yk).

Let me run from you - Miya Atsumu x Reader

You suppose it could have been worse.

Mukai-chan's hair is a bright red today. Nakao-Kun's lovely black hair has turned an ugly grey color. And Taniguchi-chan chopped off all her curls, not realizing that it's only her hair color that will mark her soulmate.

But you hate it, the garish yellow of your hair. You hadn't mind all the stages before, the dark brown that turned lighter and lighter each month. It had been kinda fun too, not knowing when your soulmate got another chance to see their hairdresser. But now?

You twirl a strand between your fingers.

"You know, it reminds me of gold," Emi, your best friend, points out. "And I could be silver." She points at her own, greyish curls.

You sigh. "That's nice of you. But I think it looks more like piss."

-

"Hey, have you seen that already?" Emi turns the magazine so you can see. It's a poster of some high school Volleyball team.

"What about it?"

"Look at these two." She points at two guys who look eerily similar - well, except for their hair color. "They match. Just like we do."

"Mhm, maybe," you turn your head to squint down at it. "The grey one matches, but the yellow doesn't look as bad on him as it does on me. And who says our soulmates will be related?"

"Excuse me?" Emi scoffs. "Like anything else could be true. You're my platonic soulmate after all."

You snort. "True. Do you want to swap lunch again?"

"Thought you'd never ask. Oh, I made Onigiri last night, do you wanna try the new flavor I came up with?"

-

College is College. Fun and hell at the same time.

"Your hair," one of the girls from your class points out over a cup of something you don't want to taste again. You snort. "Don't remind me. I've tried every toner there is, but I think I need to start at the source."

"No," she starts again, but this time it's Emi who cuts her off, clawing into your arm.

"You'll never believe who I just spotted," she says, voice hushed, breath rushed. "The most beautiful guy to ever exist."

"Oh, so Kageyama Tobio is around?" You joke, but she shakes your arm violently, letting you know this is serious.

"No, no, you don't understand. His hair is the same color as mine. And he's in the kitchen making food, I-"

"Oh, you mean Samu." The two of you turn to the girl. She grins smugly at your now obvious interest in her knowledge.

"He's in my business class. He wants to open a restaurant. He's got a twin brother too. Your hair reminds me of his."

"No way," you wave her off, "If you're talking about the Miya twins you must be mistaken. No way my soulmate could be famous enough to be part of the Miya Twins. He's too dumb to use conditioner."

She laughs. "Oh, boy, are you in for a surprise. I think he's here today. Stay here, I'll get him."

She turns away and you use your chance to grab Emi and go, moving a fast as possible in the direction of the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" She asks, clearly confused.

"Getting out of here and making sure you still meet your soulmate."

"But what if that Miya guy is yours?"

"No way," you shake your head, "I didn't struggle my way through school to be the soulmate of some rich dude. That's too cliché."

You burst through the doors of the kitchen, now face to face with a guy you can only describe as handsome. He's got that lazy smile that Emi's always liked best, arms deep in a bowl of dough.

"Oh, hey," he smiles, "If you're hungry there's some chips and dip in the fridge. Pizza is almost ready to go in the oven too."

"This is my best friend," you tell him, pulling Emi out from behind you, "Avid food blogger, talented cook, and pretty much your soulmate. Thank me later."

She squeaks but you squeeze her shoulder and make a run for the backdoor - you're not sure why they're always located in the kitchen but you're not one to complain tonight.

-

You've almost made it to safety, the curb already in sight, when something hits you in the face - hard enough to let you tumble over, and land face-first in the dirt.

"Oh shit! Are you okay?!"

You groan, push yourself up only to come face to face with the guy from the kitchen - no, his twin. The hair color is different.

"Wow," he grins cheekily, "I knew I'm great but that's the first time someone literally fell at my feet."

"You wish," you snarl, "Is that your way of flirting? Hitting innocent girls?"

"You don't look that innocent," he jokes, "But no, I only do that for the cute ones."

"Har har," you sit up properly, and put a hand to your chin where it hurts the most. "What did you hit me with anyway?"

"Volleyball," he offers you his hand, "Come on, let me help you up."

"Tsumu!" Someone yells from an open window, "Hoga-chan's looking for you, she said- Oh, so you found her."

"Found who?" Tsumu, your attacker, doesn't turn around. His stare is a little unnerving. It would help a lot if he was a little less attractive.

"Your soulmate."

My Kofi if you want to tip me

[foldingfittedsheets]

are wyverns really dragons

What a wonderful question! The short answer is that wyverns are dragons in the same way foxes are wolves- they both belong to the larger genus: draconis.

Now, if we're looking only at the outer physiology it's clear why there was such heavy debate on this topic. These two creatures appear to have a different number of limbs, something which you'd think would categorically separate them. (You'll have to forgive the mess, I can't find my source books and had to make do with quick sketches to illustrate my points).

The wyvern (draconis parum) appears to have only four limbs, whereas draconis noble, which most people will simply shorthand to "dragon" rather than it's specific breed, appears to have six limbs. For the purposes of this I'll be using a rather generic European wyrm rather than any eastern counterparts as the physiology is a closer match for comparisons sake.

When looking at why these limbs vary, we first have to break down their niches. Wyrms of this sort tend to be ambush predators. They use claws, teeth, and combustion gas sacs to take down prey.

The wyvern is missing these advantages and has instead opted for speed. We can see on skulls that proportionately the wyvern has bigger fangs in relation to it's size, which is our first clue to it's hunting style. Wyverns can circle in the air almost indefinitely, and we can see from it's greater optic cavity on the skull that it has invested more into vision than wyrms have.

This is perfect for the wyvern as they will often circle a spot for days at a time before spotting prey worth taking the dive for. The prey can seldom see up into the clouds well enough to spot a circling wyvern, and their pale grey coloration helps them blend in with cloud cover.

Overall though looking at these two skulls side by side we see two creatures that are far more similar than different.

So let's take a look lower down and address their fascinating rib structure.

Now, draconis noble has one very distinct feature that separates it from the wyvern- a keel. Much like birds all those powerful flight muscles need a corresponding ridge of bone to attach to, and that's where the keel comes in. Draconis scapula are very unique among the animal kingdom, being somewhat similar to the floating scapula seen among birds. Instead of lying flat however it has a twist, allowing the lower humerus to attach as a ball socket.

There are two sets of what we'd consider "arm" bones, with an alar humerus for flight and a lower humerus for mobility. Continuing on the wing there's an alar radius and ulna as well, consistent again with human arms and bird wings.

In other respects it follows similar physiology to birds or bats depending on the genus of wyrm. Now let's take a look at the wyvern.

Here we see the wyvern ribs, and first off we see that the scapula is formed similarly. It lies flat along the rib and twists to form a socket. However the first noticeable different is the alar humerus. Instead of going up, it's moved down. And where's the keel? Well, from what we can gather wyverns needed a lot more flexibility in their chest than wyrms, and it all comes down to air.

A wyrm couldn't hang around in the sky for days, all that flapping would get exhausting. But remember those combustion sacs from earlier that we have only observed in wyrms? From dissections it's now clear wyverns didn't toss out such a potent evolutionary advantage. They've simply readapted it. Wyverns use those sacs to produce and hold lighter than air gases, buoying themselves up for their long flights. However a static keel wouldn't be able to expand and contract in the way a wyvern needs. Enter the alar arm.

The alar humerus almost takes the place of a human clavicle, coming down in front of the ribs as it does. The alar radius and ulna have almost fused, but we do still see two separate bones, indicating that wyrms and wyverns were starting with the same base ancestor here. When the wyvern needs to take a deep breath and really hold it, these bones let the ribs expand to encompass the additional air for as long as it's needed.

This is also one of the reasons wyverns strikes appear so fast. To go from a lazy buoy to a missile is an impressive visual feat, and often their prey dies on impact. If not they have their impressive fangs to sever spinal columns.

I hope this was helpful and informative!

[seirindono]

How do you happen to do your shading id you don't mind sharing? Its so subtle and soft that you can't tell its there but it really helps highlight the characters

Phew, finally got some time on my hand to answer this one! It's a fairly simple/fast process so I figured I'd make a tuto once I'd get started on the shading for the next part, and here we are!

Alright so, we've got the panel (lazy screenshots cuz I'll never finish this if I have to export everytime ahah)

The advantage of digital art is that I don't have to think about color harmonies right from the start, I can always add filters and fiddle with the hues at any stage, so I just apply base colors at first and draw the background (it will help me build up a palette for the shadows later).

Okay, now the fun really begins. First I need to know which direction my shadows are likely to go and what atmosphere I want for the panel (which element I want to highlight? palette idea? etc). A sketch is enough to establish your intentions. Sometimes I'll mess up the lighting but it's okay to cheat if it looks coherent enough xD

(Patreons exclusive, shhh)

Now to create palette and apply the said shadows. I have a hand made one for TMS, but I had to make a special one for Ebott since there's a lot bg and kinda heavier atmosphere (I'll prbly have to make one for each part frow now on too hm). It's mostly made up of blues and greens (no black or greys here, but it can be fun to use in other styles! Purple too, so have fun!)

(My configuration - Produit=multiply?)

There, cast shadows (clothes, faces, folds, etc.) are roughly in place and looking sharp! Maybe a little bit too sharp actually... Let's smooth all that up

I use an airbrush eraser to soften a few shadows. Not necessarily all of them or the whole shape, you have to find the right balance of soft/sharp.

Now to spice things up a bit-

On a layer linked to the shadow layer, I add a lighter color that matches my light source or the environnement. Here it's a light blue, but in part VII I used a lot of orange (sun)! It makes the shadow much richer and the whole palette more vibrant!

(Again, you don't have to do it on all of them)

(not sure if you can see it lol but there's orange!)

And last but not least: Global shadow and filters (? never had to name or translate it bwahaha)

It's a lot of fiddling to achieve a result where the character looks more or less rooted in the background (=blue layers and filters to harmonize colors) and where I draw the last shadows. They're often the biggest ones (=on Axe's body+ leaf/tree shadows etc.).

You can use the techniques I've described above, or just go for it, it's completely freewheeling from here, ahem. Just make sure to step back regularly to see where you're at and stop.

(You can also add lights layers and spots if it's too dark but in this example, I use the base color as a light layer + their skulls are such a bright white already xD )

A bit of blur and ta-da~

Pretty easy, right?

[happilychaengs]

Fireworks

a/n: i'm not the happiest with how this turned out. i spent a little longer with this than i did with solemn silence but i wanted to get this out sooner than later in preparation for the new years so i guess enjoy whatever this is :)

word count: 983

fluff

nayeon x gender neutral reader

warnings: smoking, this is lowkey incomplete but idk what to add

You gave Seulgi yet another half smile as you feigned ignorance to her question. "I'm just gonna step out for a few."

Seulgi looks at you knowingly before nodding her head, "Don't take long. I don't want you missing the countdown."

Mumbling a quick thanks, you walk away from her and onto the balcony where you stared out at the city below. A city filled with bright lights, bound to have dozens of people waiting for the exciting year ahead putting into perspective the crazy situation you were in. Surrounded by countless idols instead of being one of the people you're looking down at right now.

Sticking your hand in your back pocket, you pulled out a crumpled pack of cigarettes. You fumbled with it for a second, trying to extract one out, before finally placing one between your lips.

You cupped your hand around the cigarette as you pulled out your cheap lighter and lit it, taking a deep drag and feeling the smoke fill your lungs. Leaning against the railing, you watched the grey tendrils escape and dissipate into the air as the end of the cigarette butt lit in the dim light.

A strangely soothing sound, made up of the hum of the city and the sound of the traffic, rose up to meet you. Before you heard a voice speak out, you closed your eyes and felt your tension start to slowly subside.

"Mind if I join you?"

Your gaze turned away from the city and landed onto a girl you could recognize immediately. The eldest of Twice, Nayeon. "Uh, sure." you said with an undiscernible amount of surprise. You never thought she smoked.

"Thanks." She said fumbling with her back pocket, her brow furrowed. "Oh crap. I didn't bring mine."

You quickly pulled out another cigarette from your crumpled pack and handed it to her, "Last one. Here, I'll light it for you."

She stuck it in-between her lips and leaned over, mumbling a quick thanks as you flicked the lighter until the cigarette lit. You just stared at her taking a drag as she stared out at the city. It was cute to you honestly. The most innocent looking girl being able to casually smoke just seemed so out of sorts with you.

She finally turned to you and could definitely see the surprise on your face as she explained. "I don't smoke often. Just... when times get hard I guess."

You waved her off, "No, no, you don't have to explain it to me. It's not my place to know."

Smiling almost in relief, she exhales another grey cloud into the air, "What's your name then? I don't recognize you."

"Y/N. I'm a friend of Seulgi's. Just a normal person. Not an idol or anything like that."

She nods again, "So that's why. I just thought you were really attractive, that's all. I think you could be an idol yourself, you know."

You chuckled as you stuck the cigarette in-between your lips again, feeling the smoke hit your lungs again, "Never thought I'd catch the eye of an idol, and a famous one at that."

You catch in the corner of your eye, her cigarette is almost finished as a light cough escapes her lips along with another question. "Do you want to talk some more after this? I'd love to get to know you more, you know. It's not often that I get to meet people that I-"

"Y/N." You see Seulgi's head peek through the slightly parted glass door. "Countdown's almost starting. Few more minutes, alright?"

"I got it." And then she disappeared again into the party.

You turn to Nayeon again and she glances at you with a certain disposition that you can't quite make out. She puts out her cigarette in a nearby ash tray. "Is she... are you two going to kiss during the countdown?"

"God no." Another puff escapes through your mouth before you stick your cigarette in the same tray. "It wasn't ever my thing but she insists on getting me involved somehow even if I'm just standing there watching everyone else."

"Did you do the same thing last year?"

"Yup."

"The year before that?"

"Yup."

A sly smirk appears on her lips as she scoots a little closer to you, "Then how about... we change it up this year?"

You laugh in disbelief as you glance inside the building, seeing all the other idols getting ready, Seulgi looking through at you expectantly with her brow raised. "Are you... seriously asking me to kiss you during the countdown? We haven't even had dinner yet."

"Yup." She doesn't skip a beat as she emphasizes it with a pop. "And I wouldn't mind taking you to dinner after." Her smile stretches across her entire face ear to ear as she stands even closer to you.

"I..." Your eyes darted between her eyes and her lips. They really did look kissable. "Fuck it."

The two of you walk back in, hands intermingled, as Seulgi smiles at you. You glance up at the television screen up in the corner along with everyone else, as you wait for the ball to drop. Then the countdown begins.

"10!"

You can feel Nayeon's hand clasp yours tighter in anticipation.

"9!"

And yet when you've never worried about it before, many things begin to plague your mind all at once.

"8!"

Were your lips dry?

"7!"

Did your breath stink?

"6!"

Could she feel your sweaty palms?

"5!"

Nayeon unexpectedly looped her hand around your head as the two of you stared into each other's eyes.

"4!"

A reassuring smile is given to you, filling your stomach with that nostalgic feeling of butterflies, along with a feeling like a fuse was lit up inside you.

"3!"

You place your hands on the back of her neck.

"2!"

The two of you lean in.

"1!"

Fireworks.

[un-officql]

NOT TOO OLD FOR LOVING

╰┈➤ Printer x gn!reader; story is in first person from the printer's point of view; reader is called "Name"; unspecified if it's platonic or romantic. For the objectum/posic community, please enjoy my small self indulgence.

"Another day at the office," says John Bayer, heaving a sigh as he enters the workplace. His hair is a dark brown, but after being in the company for so long, almost half of his head has gone grey.

"It's only Monday," says Naomi Penaranda, who is already seated at her cubicle. She has been here since seven this morning, always punctual, even on rainy days when it was hard for people to drive.

"I hope I'm not late for anything," says Sven Williams, speed walking to her station with a bagel in one hand. They aren't a new coworker at the office, however his playfulness and informality has never left her even a year after they started here.

The once silent workplace grows louder as more of my coworkers come in. It always gets rowdy around nine o'clock, when most of the office body arrives. It can be a little overwhelming at first, but I've grown fond of the chatter. I certainly prefer it over how I spend my weekend.

The office has been my home for thirty years. That is much too long for an old machine like me. Printers are not meant to last that long. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be of service for the times I have been, but lately my old age is getting to me.

I get complaints more and more often. Paper jams inside me and ink spills are more frequent. The most common mistake I've made was misaligning text on multiple forms and files. I regret not being able to do my job as well as I used to, once upon a time, but alas. There is nothing I can do. I am an old printer model, and the boss of our company has been holding off on replacing me.

At first, he simply didn't want to spend money on a new printer. Unfortunately, that decision has given him problems too. I truly regret not being able to perform my best for everyone, but I think even he knows that he can't push my time for replacement.

Today is my last day in the office. The boss has let everyone know that I am finally being replaced. He jokes, "I guess you could say the old machine finally retired."

I think he's right. It's about time I retire.

The office sounds uproariously. Or at least, as much as people are allowed to be in a formal workspace. I hear cheers and "finally" and other comments that say it was about time. I almost feel myself cheer too. The future for me looks a little scary, but at least I'll know that my coworkers will be happier when I'm gone. I watched them grow as people, make friends and sometimes lovers. I've listened in on shared stories over coffee breaks and news about how their children are doing.

Now I'm too old to work alongside them. I won't be able to know if John's son will take up painting or sports. I'll never find out which university Naomi's daughter decided to go to. I can never learn if Sven moved on from their nasty ex-lover. All these bits of knowledge I've gathered and remembered over the years will stay with me forever, unspoken and unended. Yet, these stories are still full of hope.

They have a future that I cannot determine by judgement alone. I hope for everyone's lives in and outside of work to be better than they could've expected.

The workplace feels lighter, and my coworkers seems happier now that the news about my retirement is known. Everyone doesn't mind when paper jams or gets stuck in me. Everyone doesn't care that I mess up their papers again. No one blames anyone that I am not working, because I am old and will be replaced. The workplace will be in good, better hands when I am gone.

It's 9:14 at night when the last few of my coworkers get up from their cubicles to return home for the day. Quietly, I tell them goodbye, and to have a safe trip home. It is then when I spot Name Last Name staring straight at me. The look on Name's face is familiar. I've studied their movements for a long time. Their expression is on par with their focused look, but somehow I notice a hint of sadness along with it.

It does not frighten me. Instead, it makes me wonder: are they thinking about me, about where I am going after I get replaced? Or are they simply spacing out? Before I can fully entertain any pondering, Name gets up to reach for their coat behind their chair. It's a thin one, not enough for the cold night air, and I worry for their well-being as they start towards the boss's office.

"Name, you're the last one out, as per usual." Our boss opens the door of his personal office before Name can knock. I watch their conversation from the corner of the office. He continues, "Normally you'd head that way to leave. Unless you've mistaken my office for the exit, can I assume that you have something to ask me?"

Name hesitates before replying, "Yes, that's right. I... I'd just like to inquire about something." Our boss nods and gives Name the OK, and they pause again before speaking in a hushed tone. I cannot make out most of the conversation afterwards. Name sneaks glances at me every once in a while, as if gossiping about someone present in the room. I can't make heads or tails of it; I have to accept that this, too, will be one of the stories in which I never know the end to.

In a few minutes that felt like hours to me, our boss raises a brow.

"You want to... take it home with you?" I hear him say. Name looks as though they're slightly caught off guard by his small query but nods nonetheless.

"If that's alright with you, sir." Name sputters. Their quick glimpses don't go unnoticed by me. I still haven't a clue what they're discussing, but I'm almost certain it has to do with me. I can't help feeling quizzical, too. Surely Name isn't asking if they could take me home?

"Well, I suppose we as a company no longer have any use for it. I tried getting people to fix that printer ages ago and I admit it's still got days when it works. I pay you enough though, surely you can go on out there and buy yourself a better printer, right?"

"Um, no, sir. I... already have a printer at home, but there's someone I know who needs one. Even if it is an older model, it still works so I thought I could take them... Take it off your hands?"

Our boss shrugs. "Alright, go on. It's yours."

From the way their tensed shoulders relaxed and their mouth fought off a smile, I could tell they were happy. I could even swear that I saw Name's eyes light up. They let out a small laugh, like they've been holding their breath the entire time.

"Thank you, sir," Name says, watching our boss take out the office's door key. "Thanks so much."

Our boss says it's nothing. "I'll wait for you at the door, I gotta lock up for the night."

If you asked me what was going to happen after I retired from the office, I don't think I would've known what to tell you. I thought that this was it, after thirty years printing hundreds of pages of texts, fill out forms, and the occasional meme for a office prank by one of my coworkers, I'd be tossed out, waiting on the curb, likely for a one-way ticket to the local junkyard. Maybe if I had a better outlook on what my life might look like from here on out, I might've suggested a garage sale. There are always people interested in old technology.

It seems that that last statement rings especially true.

It's around ten o'clock at night when Name carries me out of their car trunk and into their home. Their home is beautiful, like nothing I've ever seen. It might look messy at first, but in my opinion the mess makes the house look like a home, like someone has really lived in it and enjoyed themselves. I spot objects I've never seen before, books and a TV and a couch and lights that aren't the blinding fluorescent kind you'd find back at the office.

It finally hits me that I'm in Name's home. They wanted to take me home.

"I'm sorry it isn't much," Name says, looking at me directly. It occurs to me that they're speaking. To me. It feels discombobulating. "I hope you weren't offended by anything I said to my boss. In truth, it was just a cover story so that I could take you home with me."

If I could cry, I feel like I might do so. But I have no eyes, or a mouth, or hands. I could not express the way I feel to them no matter how strongly I wanted to. My rollers shift inside me and I make a slight whirring noise. That's strange. My inner workings feel warm, as if someone had just used me to print something out, but I didn't print very much today to begin with.

At the sound of my shifting Name looks back at me with a start, and for a second I hope they aren't afraid. I was just trying to give them a reply, anything. But to my surprise Name smiles. I'm familiar with their smile. They were often shy about showing it to our coworkers, especially when they laughed. It was perfect.

"I'm guessing you don't mind at all that I took you from work?" They asked. I fail to make another audible noise, but somehow Name looks even more relieved. They're glad. Can they read my thoughts? How do they know if I am replying to them? It makes me worried, but when Name continues to talk, when they continue to show me around, when they pick me up in their arms...

"I didn't know about your 'retiring' party either, believe me. I was kind of hoping you'd stay around forever and that they wouldn't replace you."

I didn't think I would last in the office for very long to begin with, but a small part of me, perhaps foolishly, thought the same as Name. Maybe they would replace me, but they would still keep me around. That's not what happened though, and I don't care. What's happening instead, right now, is better than what I could've expected.

"I'm pretty relieved that I managed to persuade my boss. I... really liked your presence, you know? Admittedly I didn't think your old model was a huge problem at all." Name grins at me. "There are other, bigger problems in the world that aren't an old printer. And hey, for a printer with your model, you still work like a charm."

Their words for me work like a charm, too. I successfully make an audible noise this time, mostly thanks to my janky ink holder. It came in handy though, and there's no pressure for me to actually print right now.

After we've walked into every room and toured every inch of Name's home, they bring me into their kitchen. I worry when they bring me down onto the dining table, but after handling me so gently with an expression I've never seen from them, I relax.

"Well?" Name says, "Is my residence to your standards?"

Out of all moments, my inner workings fail me. I don't manage another noise to reply. But Name doesn't seem to mind. Far from it. It's as if they heard me shout, "Yes, I love your house. I'm thankful that you took me in. I'm so very happy," because when I look back at them their lips curl into a smile. Their face is as bright as the sun.

"Alright then. I guess I can finally say... welcome home."

It's the happiest I've ever seen them. I feel lucky to be around to see it.

[roguemonsterfucker]

When I'm having a bad mental health day week month life, I like to imagine what Astride will be.

Some days, it feels like I'm staying alive just to finally see a *good* horse game.

Okay this post already got heavier than intended but whatever

Anyways, I try to think about what types of horses I'll breed in it and the problem is, the types of horses I breed in any given game relies heavily on what they look like in that particular game

Like in Horse Isle 3, I didn't start breeding flaxen black chestnuts because I loved them in real life. I barely knew they existed. I hadn't given flaxen much thought at all, actually. I started breeding them because normal chestnuts just don't look good in HI3. Their manes are always a weird color. But flaxen manes have a beautiful ombre in HI3, going from pale blonde to a chestnuty color at the tips (darker or lighter depending on the shade of chestnut the horse is). Honestly, HI3 flaxens look way pretty than real life flaxens lol.

In addition, I HATE roan in HI3 but I love roan in real life. I hate it in the game because of how it inherits. You need two copies of the roan gene to get a horse that actually looks roan. If you have one copy, it just has a weird fade on the butt that looks awful. While horses with two copies of the gene do often look pretty, I can't breed those for my purposes because I like to make hybrids and zorses and mules can't have two copies of roan. So they get the weird fade if their horse parent has roan. So I have to avoid roan as much as possible in my horse line so they don't ruin my hybrids.

And the same goes for the breeds. There are some horse breeds I love in real life. The Irish Cob, for example, has always been a favorite of mine. But they look... uh... awful in Horse Isle 3. As do a few other breeds I usually like. Then there are breeds I hadn't really given much thought to, or didn't know they existed, that look really good in HI3.

So it's just really hard for me to dream about what I'll do when Astride is finally a game because I don't know what colors will actually look good or what the horse breeds will look like. In theory, I'd like to breed Icelandics and Percheron, because those are two of my favorite breeds in other games. But what if they fuck them up? Or what if another breed, like the Dole or Arabian just looks better to me?

I just don't know.

They've posted t-posed images of a few of the breeds and I certainly have no complaints about them, but a still t-posed picture isn't a good way to judge how they'll look in the game when they're alive and moving.

And even color is hard to judge right now, despite having a fairly robust custom horse system, because the lighting is fucked. So right now, I like to go with grey toned horses because really light or really dark horses look flattened in the current lighting.

The next update might include better lighting so that may be a step closer to me knowing what colors I want to breed!

But then again, will different colors look different on different breeds? Right now, the game only has the Warmblood. By the end of the year, we should have the Fjord, Arabian, and Percheron but that's still far in the future and I don't know if the colors will translate the same between the models.

So yeah, just some horse game thoughts.

[canmom]

probing colour management - the case of discord grey

background: as described in canmom's guide to fixing the colours, I have gone to the trouble of getting a colorimeter to calibrate my monitor. because I want accurate colours, nya!

it turns out the story is even more of a mess than I thought, as I discovered when I tried profiling my laptop and was shocked, shocked to discover that even with profiling Discord looked different on the two screens side by side.

so let's say we're trying to render this shade of grey.

sRGB colour: srgb(50, 52, 57)

it's a slightly cool grey. this is the background colour in Discord, dark mode. (actually Discord specifies this in HSL according to hsl(223, 7%, 21%). I'm going to hope that the HSL-RGB conversion is standardised enough that it won't be different between browsers...)

desktop (Windows 11):

colour calculated in Firefox (monitor colour space): rgb_monitor(52,54,58)

colour calculated in Chrome/desktop Discord (monitor colour space): rgb_monitor(49, 51, 56)

since we're using colour management, we should expect these two sets of values to be different from the original sRGB, but equal to each other since the calculation should be identical in both cases.

so already we see a problem: same inputs, different outputs. not a good start.

ok, but which (if either) is right? we paste the screenshot into Krita (an art program) with the instruction "interpret the paste data as living in our monitor's colour space, not sRGB, and would you kindly please convert it back to sRGB for us". Krita's colour management generally seems to be pretty good, at least insofar the colours of the screenshot inside Krita look much the same as they do on my desktop. (in fact Krita has three different sRGB ICC profiles but they appear to be equivalent as far as this exercise is concerned).

monitor round-trip (sRGB-Firefox-Krita-sRGB): srgb(49, 51, 55)

monitor round-trip (sRGB-Chrome-Krita-sRGB): srgb(45, 48, 53)

going via firefox, it's very slightly darker but that is very likely an accumulating rounding error. going via chrome... it's around 8-10% darker, and I think a bit more saturated.

so we can conclude that the way Krita and Firefox handle this colour are pretty close. Firefox increased the values to convert from sRGB to the monitor space, and Krita decreased them again to convert back to sRGB. chrome on the other hand... honestly, I don't know what Chrome is doing. at first I thought it was just ignoring colour profile information, but the laptop test suggests it's doing something different on different devices.

here are the two shades of grey side by side (a screenshot converted back into sRGB in Krita)...

...ok, they're pretty close, i'll admit. I might not have noticed this problem if not for the laptop thing. it is more visible when the windows are bigger and not surrounded by bright white though.

now, all of this is in software that is using the same monitor ICC profile btw - we haven't even gotten to the question as to whether two computers with different screens really can be made to 'look the same' by profiling.

so next up, let's try this exercise on my laptop.

laptop (Windows 10):

my desktop monitor is a wide gamut screen. colours in a narrower gamut must take up a subset of the colours available on the monitor.

my laptop monitor is a narrow gamut screen covering about 70% of sRGB. colours outside of its gamut must be squashed inside. this will have the general effect of making uncorrected colours look less saturated.

so, in the laptop's space we get

Firefox: rgb_laptop(54,56,61)

Chrome/desktop Discord: rgb_laptop(52, 54, 59)

this time both Firefox and Chrome increased the values. Firefox increased them more.

once we ask Krita to convert back into sRGB...

laptop round-trip (sRGB-Firefox-Krita-sRGB): srgb(51, 53, 58)

laptop round-trip (sRGB-Chrome-Krita-sRGB): srgb(49, 51, 56)

this time, Firefox ends up slightly lighter than the target, and chrome slightly darker. but they're both pretty close.

part of what I think is happening here is that we've run up against the limit of bit depth. you can see we're changing values by only a few bits. if a colour lands halfway between two values, it gets rounded off. doing a series of colour space conversions like this causes rounding errors at each step.

so I think we've found two culprits here...

Chrome (and by extension Electron) is doing something wrong. i'm not quite sure how it's coming up with those numbers.

bit depth limits make it harder for software to compensate for hardware when the levels are lower, in general.

what this seems to suggest to me is that the lower the values, the more likely colour corrections are to be affected by rounding issues. it's easier to fix saturated primaries than dark greys. unfortunately, dark colours are also where the eye tends to be most sensitive. it's not that colour management is a sham - there is a logical explanation at the bottom of this!

you could mitigate this by doing the colour computations in 10bits per channel... funnily enough my graphics card is set to output in 10bit, but I guess applications need to be set up to do internal colour calculations in 10bit for that to actually be relevant. this would be a tradeoff against performance.

Krita admittedly has the option of using 16 bits per channel - the above calculations were all done in 8bit. for the sake of argument, let's see what happens if we convert our 8bit screenshot into 16bits before doing the colour space conversion. Firefox starts out as rgb_laptop_16bit(13828,14289,15585) in the laptop space, and after conversion to sRGB we land on srgb_16bit(13120,13634,14897). divide that by 256 and we can get an estimate that the 'correct' deltas in 8bit colour would be 2.76, 2.56, 2.69, which are all about halfway between 2 and 3. it's no surprise we see some rounding errors during the 'round trip'!

in general this all suggests the comparison I'm making is kind of the worst case comparison, where the screens will be most visibly different.

screens side by side

so we can conclude that if I were to put the laptop right by my monitor, there's no reason to expect anything in Chrome/Electron to look consistent, because whatever it's doing it doesn't seem to be properly converting to the monitor's space. but we could at least expect Firefox to look consistent, up to the limits of rounding errors, right?

I did this experiment. I can't meaningfully show you the 'real' difference because the camera adds a whole new layer of complications lmao (exposure, white balance, calibration of the tone response of the camera etc.), and I don't currently have the ability to just press the colorimeter against the screen and say 'what colour is this' - maybe DisplayCAL has that feature.

In any case, using my eyes, what I discovered was... viewing angles are a real issue! Doing a fullscreen colour comparison, the differences between a VA panel (a newer panel type which has good contrast and speed but poor viewing angles) and an IPS panel like on my laptop were very evident. At some angles the colours looked almost the same, at others quite noticeably different. The monitor's curve is supposed to help compensate for this a bit but damn! it's a strong reminder I have to hold my head pretty much dead central or I'll see a slight but definitely visible gradient across the screen. I guess it's one way to fix my posture. The current top dog panel type, plasma screens, should improve on this issue a lot, but they're still very $$$.

Even despite that, the monitor feels subtly 'cooler' in its grey balance than the laptop - perhaps more purple? Though it's hard to see if you don't have them side by side. I am starting to get hypersensitive to desaturated purple tones and thinking like 'is my monitor fucked or is that supposed to be grey' lmao. I think this is something DisplayCAL might be able to address - when the drivers drop I'll look forward to seeing if it will generate a better calibration.

It's crazy, I was getting by making digital art for years on monitors way less capable than this one and tbh those pictures look pretty much fine on a calibrated screen... but now I've become aware of all this shit it's really bugging me. Just gotta live with it for now though!

[lip-rings-and-quiffs]

Been a While | L.H

Luke + f!reader

Warnings : not much. Luke is initially depressed but it’s not very graphic so it’s not really angst. Fluffy. A bit over 4k words.(i think. I have no idea). Pls excuse my horrible writing lmao (also I’m rusty)

Summary : Whilst trying to get away from his life for a couple hours Luke Hemmings has an encounter with someone who would soon become very important in his life. Aka I’m bad at summaries

+masterlist| reblogs are highly appreciated!

Luke had been feeling down lately. He had been struggling with his mental health, and he didn't know how to deal with it. He had been going through the motions, doing what he needed to do, but he didn't really feel alive. He felt like he was just…existing. Without a purpose. Like his mere presence didn’t matter.

One day, Luke decided to go to a coffee shop to get away from everything for a while. He needed to be alone. Away from everyone. He ordered his usual, a plain black coffee, and sat down at a table in the corner. He was scrolling through his phone when he heard a small voice say, "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

"No, it's not," he said, gesturing to the chair across from him.

The girl sat down and introduced herself as Y/N Y/L/N. She was kind and friendly, and Luke found himself opening up to her in a way he hadn't with anyone else.

The girl sat down and introduced herself as Y/N Y/L/N. She was kind and friendly, and Luke found himself opening up to her in a way he hadn't with anyone else.

They talked for hours, about everything and anything. Y/N was a ray of sunshine in Luke's grey world. She made him laugh and smile, and for the first time in a long time, he felt happy.

As they were leaving the coffee shop, Y/N said, "Hey, would you like to go out with me sometime? Maybe we could grab dinner or something?"

Luke felt his heart race at the thought of spending more time with her. "Yeah, I'd like that," he said, smiling. They exchanged numbers, and Luke couldn't wait to see her again.

Over the next few weeks, Luke and Y/N went on several dates. They went to restaurants, parks, and museums. They talked about their hopes and dreams, their fears and insecurities. Luke found himself opening up to her more and more, and he felt like she understood him in a way that no one else did.

Y/N was patient with him when he wasn't feeling well, and she always knew how to make him feel better. She brought him small gifts, like his favorite candy or a new book to read. She was always there for him, no matter what.

And Luke was never one to read. Especially not books like these. Sometimes he read science articles on his phone but never books about vampires and werewolves made most likely for teens! But if you were to walk by his house on a Saturday evening you would be met with the sight of the lanky man sitting by the window, book in hand. And boy did he look invested.

One day, when they were out on a walk, Luke said, "Y/N, I need to tell you something. I've been struggling with depression for a while now. It's been really hard, but you've been the one bright spot in my life. You make me feel happy, even when everything else seems bleak."

Y/N took his hand and squeezed it. "Luke, I'm so sorry you've been going through this. But I'm here for you, okay? Whenever you need someone to talk to or just to sit with, I'll be here."

Luke felt a weight lift off his shoulders. He had been holding this secret in for so long, and he was afraid to talk to anybody about it, but it felt good to finally tell someone.

As they continued their walk, Luke felt lighter and happier than he had in a long time. He knew that he still had a lot of work to do to get better, but he also knew that he had Y/N by his side, and that made all the difference.

Over the next few months, Luke started to feel like himself again. He was still struggling with depression, but he had Y/N to help him through it. She was his rock, his light in the darkness.

One day, Luke decided to do something special for Y/N. He knew how much she loved flowers, so he went to a florist and picked out a bouquet of her favorite flowers. He wrote a note that said, "Thank you for being my sunshine” with his signature smiley face on it. Luke had a spare key to Y/N’s apartment.

As he was finishing putting the flowers in a vase, Y/N walked inside, finding the giraffe of a man towering over a table. “Lukey, what are you doing here?”

He smiled, nodding his head towards the flowers. With a confused look she turned to look at her favorite flowers staring back up at her from the table. She couldn’t help the dopey grin that adorned her face as she squealed in joy. “Thank you! They’re my favorite” she said whilst reading his note. “Aww Lu, this is so nice!”

Luke walked towards the table, towering over her. “I have something to say” he looks down at her. She nodded looking up at him.

“I uh well, I umm. I’ve realized that it’s been a while since I’ve been happy. And I’ve healed a lot since that day I met you at that coffee shop. That day, that day was the day my life completely changed. And that’s because of you. You are the reason I’m happy. You’re the reason why I wanted to try again. And these few months have been better, so much better than the last couple of years and I’ve been thinking. I umm, first of all thank you for always being here for me and second of all, Would you like to be my girlfriend and make it official? It’s ok if you say no-” “-Yes!” She exclaimed pulling him down to her face.

“Didn’t even let me finish” he teased, raking his arms around her waist. “You were gonna start to ramble” she fired back, diving into give him a quick kiss on the corner of his lips. “True” he grinned, eyes closed as her thumb ran across his stubble covered jaw.

A/N: Thank you for reading<3 also pls gimme feedback.

Reblogs are highly appreciated!^.^

+masterlist

[organised-disaster]

Here you go @randosfandos and @baxieblur-turnip since you wanted it so much I'm ENSURING you see it the second you check your notifs

SNOWBIRD: CHAPTER II

I shower, scrubbing my sweaty body. The breeze from the roof of the Justice Building air-dried me slightly, but it feels nice to finally be showering. My hair isn't especially dirty, and it's irritating trying to dry it, so I make a conscious effort to keep it away from the water. The soap smell is soothing. I can't quite place it.

I scrub my face. I get soap in my eyes. I no longer feel happy about the soap. I wash the soap off of me and out of my eyes as I think about today. It's the day of the Reaping, meaning I need to be prepared, just like every year, to potentially be sent to die.

Or watch someone I care about get sent to die... Yumi would tell me that she loves me in a situation like this. She did every year before she passed away.

Yumi. My older sister. Never did well as a Career. Yumi was gentle, empathetic. A bleeding heart, even. She couldn't bear to hurt anyone. If someone hit her, she'd ask them why instead of hitting back.

I step out of the shower, wrapping my towel around my torso. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yumi and I didn't look similar to each other. Yumi's nose was softer and rounder, her eyes kinder. Yumi's hair was a dusty black, much lighter than my charred colour. Yumi was cheerful and radiated warmth and welcoming.

I can't stop seeing her instead of me when I look in a mirror, though. I knew Yumi's face as well as I know Sera's. I know that while her eyes were warmer, they were still as narrow and catlike as mine are. They still looked just as harsh in the wrong lighting.

I know that while Yumi's default expression was a soft smile, her anger still looked the same as mine. Anger was so rare, so jarring, that I couldn't help but memorise it.

I know that while I rarely smile at anyone but Sera, Yumi had dimples and creases identical to mine. I can't stand to smile at my reflection anymore. It's impossible not to see Yumi.

Sometimes I wonder if Sera sees Yumi in my smile as well. I wonder if she loves her exactly the same as I do. I wonder if she blames me exactly the same as I do.

I wonder if Sera sees Yumi in her own smile also. Yumi's narrow face didn't especially resemble Sera's, but Sera's eyes and Yumi's were similar browns, although Sera's eyes practically glow from the inside. Sera's smile has the same comforting quality as Yumi's.

Yumi was just as good with people as Sera, just as patient as Sera. Just as kind. Just as sweet. Just as trusting.

I wanted to be like her when I was younger. I know now that Yumi's thinking never did anything good for her. She needed to be vicious. Capable of taking a life. She wasn't, not when it mattered most.

I'll give her that. Yumi passed on her own terms. Yumi knew what she wanted. Yumi stuck with it. With her love for humanity. She's braver than me in that sense.

She was so much like Sera, it's almost like they're the same person. Perhaps that was the reason I got so close with Sera after Yumi died.

Or maybe the reason was because Sera loved Yumi, too, and felt her loss as much as I did.

There's a lump in my throat. My vision blurs slightly. I wipe my eyes, clearing my throat. I splash cold water on my face. Today, of all days, is a bad time to think of Yumi.

I violently scrub my face again, this time with my towel to dry it. I look up into the mirror by accident. My fringe is completely soaked. My eyes are reddened. There's a brief flash of Yumi's face across my vision, angry and full of hate.

It's gone as quick as it arrived. I hurriedly turn away from the mirror. I dry myself, keeping the mirror behind me the whole time.

After I'm no longer sticky, I pick up my clothes from the floor and start to get changed. A nice button-up and trousers. The shirt is grey, and the trousers are white, both slightly worn as they originally belonged to... I glance at the mirror again.

Yumi glares at me. She sniffs and wipes her nose as she finishes putting the clothes she wore on the day of the Reaping on. I leave the bathroom, and my sister, behind.

Sera is sitting on my bed, toying with her hands anxiously. Her eyes are trained on my clock, watching every second quietly thunk by. The sound of the clock is almost muffled by her uneven breathing and the occasional thump of her heel when her bouncing leg makes contact with the floor.

She smiles up at me when she notices me in the doorway, stopping her jittering. Her hands continue to shake slightly, as does her leg. Her eyes dart to what I'm wearing, then back up to my face again.

Her smile vanishes, if only for a moment. It's back so quickly, it's almost like she didn't react at all. She remembers, then. Well, how could she have forgotten?

Yumi was just as much Sera's sister as she was mine. If Sera wasn't at my house to talk to me, she was here to talk to Yumi. If Yumi was out, chances were that she'd be doing something with Sera.

Sera screamed louder than I did. Sera's grief was known. Sera gained sympathy.

Such an apathetic child...

No reaction whatsoever..?

Her sister...

How awful...

A monster, that's for sure...

I block out the whispers of District Four as I sit down next to Sera. As she always does when we are close like this, she leans into me. I put my arm around her and let her rest her head in the crook of my neck. She sighs deeply, her breathing calming down.

I know how deeply Sera craves the comfort of touch. I have always been averse. In general, if someone is making contact with my skin, it's because they're trying to hit me until I don't get back up.

But I also know how good it feels to be near to Sera. For our hands to be locked together, for our shoulders to be touching, for her breath to be on my neck.

Sera is gently gripping the hand attached to the arm I'm holding her with. She carefully traces lines along my palm with her thumbs, following the creases. Sera likes repetitive things like that.

There are a million things I could say to Sera. But just like every year, I don't need to say any of them. Now is not a time for words. Words come later. Words come after. And some words come never.

Words used to express relief. Words used to state gratitude. It's considered awful luck to say things like that. Especially when the people selected only have a one-in-twenty-four chance of coming home.

No matter what, there'll always be at least one grieving family. Sera's family has always been so lucky. Seth, Sera's brother, is only about a year older than I am. He's too old for the Reaping now. He's never been pulled.

Sera hasn't been pulled before, either. I hope she stays that way. I don't know what I'd do if she didn't. I've never thought about it, either. If I think about something like that, it starts getting hard to breathe.

I can't really think about it. My thoughts just won't go there, and if I force them to, they don't stay for long. I don't like it. I stay away from things like that. They belong at the very back of my mind with everything else.

I don't have to worry about that. Sera won't be pulled. I won't be pulled again. We're going to be okay.

Sera's switched from massaging my palm to fiddling with the hem of Yumi's shirt. She's started her gnawing of her lower lip, the already damaged skin bleeding slightly.

Her eyes flick to my clock again. I once again hear her breathing grow uneven as some degree of panic sets in. I squeeze her a little tighter, pull her a little closer.

Sera tears her eyes from the clock. Sera has a death grip on Yumi's shirt. I gently pry her fingers off, squeezing her hand when Yumi's shirt is free. Sera's tenderising of her lip ceases. Sera sighs and surrenders as we fall over together on my bed.

Sera adjusts herself to be resting her head on my chest, her feet hanging off the edge of my bed. Sera only ever wears one pair of shoes. A clunky pair of worn leather boots that fall off her feet at every possible occasion. They slide off, one actually hitting the floor while the other clings for dear life onto her ankle.

I hope my heartbeat doesn't speed up too much. It'll probably make Sera's head bounce if it does. I let my head fall back onto my pillow, my neck already hurting from my observation of Sera's boots.

Sera starts to toy with my hair, running it through her hands. She's always loved to compliment how shiny it is, how smooth I keep it. She always goes on to say how she wished she could have her hair as tidy and clean and nice-to-the-touch as mine.

I never said anything to her. Perhaps I should have. I would have liked to tell her that her tousled mess was charming. That it framed her face. That it brought out her smile.

I would not have liked to tell her that it made her look like Yumi, who wore her unkempt, unruly disaster in almost the exact same way. I don't think Sera remembers, but her hair was kept neat once, too.

Back when Yumi was still alive and Sera's mother was still around. Sera saw her family a lot more when she was younger, her brother not yet graduated, and her father not totally responsible for their income.

She had to brush her hair every couple of hours and apply some sort of gel to it, but it stayed in place. The kind of cutesy style that made little girls an object of affection for all the little boys.

She was maybe around seven when she properly met Yumi. She had come over to my house and accidentally walked into Yumi's room, briefly forgetting which was mine.

Yumi was fourteen at the time. She had been so sweet with Sera. By the time I realised that Sera had gotten lost somewhere, she was already playing some sort of complex game that involved knots with Yumi.

I tried to join. I wasn't good with knots then. I'm better now, but I still struggle with complicated ones. Sera has always been so talented with her hands. She's always had such nimble fingers.

I finally tied a knot. Yumi couldn't untie it. Neither of our parents could untie it. Sera couldn't untie it. That memory has resulted in this sweet mental image. Of Yumi sitting on the floor of her room, her little sisters next to her, puzzling over a knot tied by the least competent one.

That mutual lack of understanding for how I created such a thing was a building block for their relationship. I don't quite remember what became of the knot. I believe I gave it to Sera.

Sera has always admired Yumi. Sera saw the way Yumi wore her hair and decided it was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. She mimicked Yumi in other, smaller ways that she still does to this day.

A little flick of the hand here, a tonal shift there. Sera saw how Yumi played with her hair when nervous and started doing it herself. She does it automatically now, pinching and rolling her blonde locks between her thumb and forefinger.

I absently run my hands through Sera's curls. My fingers snag on knots, and I hear Sera wince as I work them out. I groan.

"Sera, did you brush your hair this morning?"

Sera doesn't respond. She's pretending to be asleep. I know from experience that Sera takes at least ten minutes to fall asleep; it hasn't even been three. I sit up, Sera sliding down my chest, then sitting up as well.

Sera won't meet my eyes. I sigh and rub her face.

"You need to take care of yourself, Sera," I say, disappointed but not surprised. Sera tends to neglect things like this. Only small things, and she doesn't really resist, but she doesn't do them if she's not prompted.

Brushing her hair is a bad one. She almost never does it. I have to do it for her most of the time. Once, I didn't see her for four days because of an especially busy week for both of us.

It took me ten minutes to clean the accumulated grime off of her body and at least an hour to work the knots out of her hair. I scolded her the entire time for her forgetfulness. I wasn't surprised that her family didn't remind her, considering that her father and Seth were out fishing for a good three days. I assume Sera avoided them on day four.

"I know, Rumes. I'm sorry," she mumbles. "It's just... I didn't have the time this morning." Sera's excuse is flimsy. I stand up and walk over to my dresser, locating my hairbrush. I walk back over to my bed and sit down. Sera obediently turns to show me the back of her head.

I start to slowly run the brush through her tangled mop.

"I think we both know that isn't true, Sera." I'm not trying to be accusing. But I'm not trying to be nice.

Sera winces, both at the fact that I've caught her and because of the knot the brush has just caught on. It rips out a little of her hair as I work it through.

"I... It's..." Sera sighs. "It's a little hard, you get it?"

I don't. I really don't get it. Self-care has never given me any trouble, but I don't dare mention this to Sera. Telling Sera she's strange for not washing her face won't help her. Reminding her that she needs to do it will.

I've never been completely certain if her poor care of herself was because of her faulty memory or something else. I'd love to blame it on her memory, but Sera's general... erraticness is probably to blame.

She'll start tasks and forget about them entirely, she'll lose track of time, she'll forget to drink water... It's not really a surprise that she forgets important things anymore. She remembers to eat, at least. That removes some level of worry I have for her.

"Yes," I lie. This seems to reassure Sera. A part of her hair bounces back into shape as I finish pulling the brush through. I start again at my next chosen section, running my hands through what I've brushed. For a long time, there is no sound but our breathing and the soft, gentle noise of the brush through Sera's hair.

"You remembered to wash it. That's good," I say aloud, recalling its pleasant smell and softness when I hugged her earlier. I should have praised her then.

"Thank you," says Sera, a little uncertain. I regret speaking almost immediately.

Sera sighs and fidgets. Her other boot fell off at some point.

"You look like her, you know," she says quietly. I force the brush so hard through her hair it slightly yanks her head back. It was an accident. I hope.

"Sorry." There's a long silence.

"You really do, though. You look like Yumi," Sera finishes.

"Can we not talk about this, Sera?" I ask. Sera huffs.

"You can't just pretend she doesn't exist because she isn't around anymore," says Sera, more certain this time.

"I'm not," I respond levelly.

"Then w-w-why do you keep acting like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you never cared." I yank the brush suspended in Sera's hair.

"Hey, look at that. It's stuck," I say, letting go of it. It remains in Sera's hair. She reaches around to the back of her head and pulls it free, handing it back to me.

"Stop doing that, Rumi," she says, sounding like she's dealing with a small child.

"Doing what?" I ask, starting to brush Sera's hair again. Sera sighs.

"You know exactly w-w-what I'm talking about, Rumes. Don't change subjects to avoid things," she says. I don't avoid things. I'm not avoiding anything.

I voice this. Sera sighs again.

"You do, though, Rumes. You are. It's okay if you miss her. I do, too," says Sera. I finish brushing her hair and throw my hairbrush at my back wall. It thunks onto my dresser again.

"Can we just not, Sera?" Sera turns around to face me.

"I think w-w-we should, though," she says. I don't want to listen to her anymore. "I think w-w-we need to talk about her."

"We don't. There's nothing more we could say," I mutter.

"Rumi, you get so... distant. Around this time of year, you just avoid talking about her entirely."

"Have you ever thought that maybe I don't want to talk about a dead woman?" I snap.

"Yeah. Lots," Sera responds softly. "But you talk about her." I stiffen.

"You like to mention her from time to time, anyw-w-way," says Sera. "You joke about how Yumi w-w-would do this, Yumi w-w-would like that, blah blah blah."

I turn away from Sera, no longer enjoying this conversation.

"Rumes, you talk about her like she's just... aw-w-way," says Sera thoughtfully. "And I think that's good, I do, because -"

"Stop." Sera sighs softly.

"Rumes, can w-w-we just talk -"

"Stop."

"Rumi, it's not healthy to bottle these things up. If you don't w-w-want to talk now, that's fine, but -"

"I don't want to talk about it at all," I interject. "I don't need to, I don't want to, I won't. It's that simple." Sera needs to drop it. I'm fine. I'm acting normal. I always behave like this.

"She died for a good reason, okay? And I think w-w-we -"

"A good reason? You think it was good?" I interrupt. Sera looks startled.

"Rumes, that's not w-w-what I -"

"Oh? It's not w-w-w-w-what you m-m-m-eant?!" I shout, imitating her stammer.

"Rumi..." Sera's definitely upset. I've crossed a line. I don't care. Maybe she deserves it, just this once.

"Why don't we all just celebrate, huh?! 'Cause Yumi's dead! That's GREAT!"

"Rumi, just stop..." Sera mumbles.

"Sorry, you'll have to speak up! I can't hear you under all those extra letters!" I find the wound and tear it open.

"Rumi, w-w-w-why are you -"

"Oh, get to the point! How hard is it to talk?!" Sera flinches. She pinches the crooked part of her nose. She always does that when she gets self-conscious.

"Rumi, please just calm down," says Sera, voice gaining a pleading quality. I ignore this.

"Calm down?! You want me to calm down?!"

Sera's eyes start to water.

"Oh, don't you start crying AGAIN! You're so bloody emotional all the time!"

"You don't even have emotions!" she snaps back. Sera gets up off my bed.

"Maybe the reason you act like you don't care is because you really don't!" My sheets are pulled taught as I clench my hands. Sera angrily kicks her foot into one of her boots, looking for the other one. "Maybe you didn't cry at her funeral because you didn't love her!"

"Of course I loved her! She was my sister!" I shout, following Sera as I kick her boot from my bed into my wall. She snatches it off the floor and slams her foot into it.

"She w-w-was my sister, too!" Sera shoots back.

"No! No, she wasn't! Yumi was never your sister! No matter how close you think you were, you were never her sister!"

That's hurt her. She stops for a moment, tears threatening to start rolling down her cheeks.

"I loved her. Doesn't that mean something?" For just a moment, I feel a sliver of regret. It vanishes.

"Doesn't mean anything. You never meant anything to her," I snarl. This is untrue. Yumi did truly care about Sera. But now I just want to hurt her. Sera mumbles something.

"Huh? Speak up!" I demand. "You wanna say something? Say it to my face!"

"At least I'm not the reason she's dead," she says. There's utter silence.

"What?" Sera is completely crying now.

"At least," she repeats. "I'm not," she continues. "The reason she's dead."

"So you're saying it's my fault, then?"

Silence.

"N- no, I... No, I'm sorry. I got angry."

"No, I get it."

"Rumes, please, I didn't mean it. It w-w-wasn't your fault."

"It was, though. It's my fault. And it's always going to be my fault."

"It's not! I got angry! I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've never been that angry before. I'm sorry. If it's any-w-w-one's fault, it's mine. I could've -"

"Just stop, Sera."

"Rumes..."

"You can go now, Sera."

"But -"

"You can go now, Sera. Go home. Say hi to Seth for me."

Sera nods. She tries to hug me. I gently push her away.

"I'm sorry, Rumes."

"So am I." Sera opens the door.

Sera hesitates, standing in the doorway.

"Yumi w-w-would have said you look nice."

The door closes.

[seanettlles]

get to know me better game!!!

thanks for the tag @threefill !!!!!💜

no i'm not procrastinating work wdym

were you named after anyone?

NOPE tho my parents did say they named me what they did specifically bc they wanted to call me lex 😂 and i'm just like ??????? tf is the fancyass first name for then??? all it does is confuse me, like. when am i supposed to use it?? i usually just assume government or other Super Official Forms, but i tend to overthink it a lot lol. i usually let random phone people call me it tho bc i'm likely not gonna ever talk to them again 😂 and it's not worth the extra hassle of correcting them throughout the call (imo anyway, you do you)

do you have kids?

absolutely not lmao, no hate to anyone who wants or has them but i am like. a barely-functional adult shdjfkgks i do Not feel like i'm ever gonna want or be prepared for that kinda responsibility 😅 more power to parents, you're out here doing an amazing thing tbh

do you use sarcasm a lot?

i am secretly the physical manifestation of both sarcasm and hyperbole on each other's shoulders in a trench coat 👀

(yes. a lot. mostly when speaking tho bc tone is trickier to read through text)

what's the first thing you notice about people?

prolly how they speak - not just how their voice physically sounds but like. how they present themselves through words ig??? like, i Cannot Stand people who have some anecdote for eeeverything 🙃 example, i had to partially train someone at my job and eeeverything i said, he had some remark about, generally relating to himself and how good he was at x thing i was going over bc something something i did this in my arts program, i've used this program since i was 12, i'm destined to join you guys (spoiler: he was not)

what's your eye color?

green!!! sometimes more to the brown or grey side of greens depending on the day

scary movie or happy ending?

happy ending 😭 pls life is scary enough, give me a cute slice of life media

any special talents?

i build pcs!!!!! i love pc tech tho i'm a bit behind the times on all the new releases 😂 didn't have much of a reason to pay attention to the trends during covid bc everything was jacked up in price, but my poor old 1080ti is starting to show its age a bit with some new game releases 🥺🥺🥺 maybe whenever i have income that's not going to garbage school loans or my roof i'll rebuild it

i guess i'm also a p quick study of. mooost things??? i feel like if i wasn't hardcore nerfed by adhd i could do and learn p much anything 😂 clearly god feared me ✌️

what are your hobbies?

drawing (stares at my ipad collecting dust), gaming, reading, hiking/camping, swimming, spending time (irl or otherwise) with frands ;w; i can also play a few instruments but it's been a hot minute for any of them sjdjfkfs i've really been thinking of trying to pick the oboe or bassoon back up tho TwT weird woodwinds my beloveds. i also love a good drink (or many) so going out with friends to breweries is fun :D they made a slight beer snob of me lmao, but i tend to stick to lighter/hoppier ones

have any pets?

i have 2.5 cats!!! winston, cleo, and the .5 is raven, my brother's gf's cat who i'm currently fostering for her until the spring/summer ;w; they're all sweet troublemakers and i adore themmm💜💜💜 they're also all black by absolute coincidence 😂 i keep saying i'm gonna get a different color for my next cat but well. so far that hasn't exactly gone to plan shdkfkfs

what sport do you play/have you played?

uhhhhh i played soccer Very Briefly when i was a kid but that was about it 😂 i was always a marching band girlie 😌✌️

how tall are you?

5'2" on a good day lmao, height is not my family's strong suit

favorite subject at school?

arts and orchestra 💜 i didn't mind sciences too much either, biology and psychology were fun

dream job?

i do not dream of labor in any capacity 😌💜 if i could live comfortably without having to work i would take it in a heartbeat. that said i don't mind my job - i'm able to wfh most of the time and my coworkers are cool folks ;w;

if you read this far, consider yourself tagged by me if you wanna do this!!!!!!!💜

[squeakpip]

hello there!! how's your week been? any projects, playlists, books, recipes, etc that strike your fancy to ramble about?

i've been sick this week but i am slowly overthrowing the goop that has taken over my body. putting this together has been a nice distraction, so it got super long

Knitting

just before i got sick, i put a (mostly) handspun cardigan to block. the spinning of this was a tiny bit of a spite project, based on how frequently people talk about "muddy" colors in handspun in a disparaging way. as a brown lover, i took offense and decided to make a rainbow-but-brown cardigan incorporating every technique i could think of that people tell new spinners not to use because it will muddy their yarn. the last two pics gives a vague sense of how much optical color mixing you get from afar vs. up close, but the effect works better irl.

(fiber is all corriedale from Hello Yarn's fiber club)

i used 8+ years old leftover brown cascade eco for the cuffs, hem, pocket trim, and double-knit buttonband. this bit me in the ass, because i ran out with about 6" of band to go, and obviously couldn't get a dyelot match. thankfully, it was the button side of the band so the lighter bit will be mostly hidden, but i am pissed that i had to buy another 250g skein of yarn for a project where i was using up leftovers. also my button order got canceled so i need to source new ones. perhaps this project is slightly cursed. but i'll stash it away until autumn and it'll feel like i get a new sweater, just like i imagined, that i didn't even have to knit.

Spinning

currently working on two different spins, both for scarves.

on my spinolution wheel i have a brown-green-blue-white gradient destined to be woven, although i haven't been able to find the right weft yet. (fingering weight, plied, primarily nonsuperwash wool, pale pink that leans coral/orange...) i may end up dyeing it myself if i haven't found the right yarn by the time i get to weaving it.

i'm also spindling the finest yarn i possibly can, for some sort of garter stitch lace shawl situation. the fiber is a decently textured batt that includes silk nepps, so it will be gently tweedy. everyone who sees it says the fiber looks like bacon, but it's based on the dyer's cat, Mungo.

Weaving

before i got sick, my goal was to warp my loom for floral overshot kitchen towels, which is what everyone in my family will be getting as a winter holiday gift. maybe next week when i am more confident in my ability to count.

Music

here's what's been stuck in my head lately for each language i speak. apparently i'm stuck in the 90's and very much the bug, not the windshield this week

Vittles

my go-to tea for the past 6 months has been a 50/50 mix of adagio's hazelnut and this baked apple tea. this started as an attempt to make the most autumnal tea possible (and tone down the cinnamon of the baked apple), but i recently committed to it enough to pre-mix a whole tin of it instead of just blending it in the infuser. i take it with homemade vanilla syrup and milk.

any day that i'm not eating çilbir i'm thinking about when i can have it again

i'm also obsessed with claire saffitz's gooey butter cake recipe (if you have ever wanted to just eat cake batter, this is the cake for you).

i have recently perfected my pretentious grilled cheese game with

some type of fruit preserve (i've used earl grey and apple jelly, apple butter, marmalade)

one slice of american cheese for melt

one slice of trader joe's scotch bonnet cheddar for heat

thick cut ham

homemade pickled red onions

serve with sliced cucumber or tomato sprinkled with cavender's seasoning, and/or apple slices, preferably arranged in a silly design so you feel like your adult self (sandwich) is reaching through time to shake your toddler self's (sides) hand

i've also been making what can only be described as a vaguely korean crunchwrap, which started as a fridge clean-out meal and has taken on a life of its own

trader joe's frozen bulgogi beef

egg scrambled over the reheated beef

matchstick carrots or cucumber

pimento cheese spread

kimchi

cilantro

green onion

tortilla chips for crunch (optional, i rarely have chips around)

wrapped in a flour tortilla, griddled until golden

Other Things I've Been Enjoying Lately

my new haircut and color (lime green! i've never dyed my hair before! i'm such a brave little cartoon character now!)

https://weepingwitch.github.io/sudoku

https://www.youtube.com/@BerylShereshewsky

modded minecraft. i'm splitting my time between vault hunters (i am so so bad at it), my own whimsical but slightly dark fantasy 1.20.1 pack, and my gritty 32x conquest+ pack inspired by https://www.youtube.com/@lowresbones's the hammer series

daydreaming about an unfaithful recreation of my favorite summer drink from a closed cafe. their thing was orange juice, soda water, and jasmine syrup. i made jasmine syrup last summer and it turned out weirdly grassy and gross, so i'm going to try lavender or rosemary instead.

speaking of rosemary, i also have the stuff to make brown butter rosemary rice krispie treats! can't wait until i have the energy to both make and eat food that's interesting again. herby sweet treats my beloved <333

[deathsbestgirl]

so. when i was a kid, and schools decided to try & scare kids away from cigarettes. and they talked about all the things that happen to your body, the way it causes cancer and what cancer looks like...i went home and started stealing my dad's cigarettes & lighters. i did it a lot. and one day my mom found the stash of them hidden in my room. she sat me down and asked why i had them. i told her i didn't want dad to die and she told me dad wasn't going to die. but i think i held onto that fear, it never went away.

and then it happened. he had stage four throat cancer.

before his diagnosis, he was having trouble swallowing for months. eating took him hours. he wasn't taking it seriously, insisting he was fine. my mom & i were on his case for what felt like ages.

when he finally went to the doctor, she gave him antibiotics, obviously that didn't do anything to help. the second time, my mom went with him and he went to an oncologist.

i had a trip planned with my friend, i told her my dad's had cancer & i didn't know if i could go (we were taking a very long road trip back to where she lived). she was great, but my parents insisted i go. so i did.

i called everyday, and my dad was in the hospital the entire time i was gone. when i got back home, my mom & sister told me that he needed to be intubated, at some point he flatlined but he was stable now.

the tumor in his throat was cutting of his airway when they got him to the hospital. i don't remember what he was going to the hospital for, but it was a shock.

at this time, i was still pretty sick myself. and that week i came back home was the worst i ever felt. but it was different. i can't explain to you the panic i was feeling. we were at the hospital everyday for hours. i was making us food & bringing it with us and forcing my mom & sister to eat something. everyday. i couldn't stay in the room when the doctors came in. and eventually it was more than panic and "feelings of doom" — i was so physically ill. i remember going to cvs to get medicine, and everyone in the store getting out of my way & cut the line because i looked like death. i mean a literal walking corpse. i was *grey*

it turned out to be iron or copper poisoning. as soon as i got my period, i was perfectly fine. i'll never know which because i couldn't get to the doctor in time for blood work. (i stopped taking medications & chinese herbs & supplements i was on and i never had this problem again but. this is the second time i almost died)

my mom was so mad at me for leaving the hospital room. it was one of the first days i was back & we were at the hospital. i think they might have had to remove part of the tumor, as much as they could. and then he started treatment.

before he could, he had to have his teeth pulled & dentures made. he had already lost so much weight, and with chemo & radiation, he only lost more. my dad was never a big eater, or rather, he didn't really care. he ate what was put in front of him (he has nine siblings) and always finished our leftovers the rest of us ignored. but...eating became a struggle for him for a different reason. the man never ate anything sweet. maybe a coffee cake when he was drinking his black coffee. suddenly he craves sugar, because it was the only thing that didn't taste bland or terrible.

the longer treatment went on, the weaker he got. i can't tell you how many times i had to pick him up off the floor. (once, i was napping downstairs and he had to bang on the floor to get my attention. we got him a little siren thing after that, because he couldn't yell loud enough if we weren't close by, and banging wasn't always the best option.) or how i had to take the emergency break off his car so he could go somewhere. or once, he was determined to mow the lawn but he couldn't start the lawnmower, but neither could i (the thing was a dinosaur). i was suddenly bigger than my dad.

he had to have a feeding tube eventually, because he kept aspirating. i had to hide all of the alcohol in the house. he had stoped smoking cigarettes, but he was vaping. his fucking oncologist told him it was okay. i guess this was earlier on when they first came out.

the wound around his feeding tube just. never healed. we took him to the hospital a few times because of it.

i can't remember what happened, but one night we had to call an ambulance. my mom & i followed them to the hospital after we grabbed a few things. my aunt & cousin beat us to the hospital. and when we got there, before we found them, there was some confusion with the ambulances. and they mistakenly told us that he was septic. but it wasn't him, it was another man. and as they were wheeling him in we were so confused. the man actually looked so much like my dad, it was scary. but then someone said his name and we were like no. i looked at him again and was like. oh my god mom that's not him. he has no beard. and that's when my cousin popped her head out and told us where my dad was.

it was one of those things we had to laugh at and my poor dad had no idea what was going on.

whenever my dad was in the hospital, my mom & i would go to the bar with my aunt, uncle & cousin. tbone, the bartender & friend of the family, would send us home with a huge to go cup of our drink of choice. he never charged us correctly. i can't explain what a lifeline they all were. (it was the only time my mom & i would drink after my dad was sick & couldn't.)

there was a time he wasn't sleeping, like he'd be awake for days? one day i went out into the kitchen, and my dad was acting a little crazy. i think this was early on. he had spilled coffee everywhere but he wasn't cleaning it up. which was all very weird, as in i don't think i'd ever seen him spill anything. and he was a clean & neat man. i have no idea what he was fussing about, but i told him i would clean it up and he got so annoyed at me, because he was going to clean it up. but i waited at least ten minutes and he didn't.

after that, my mom got his doctor to give him something for anxiety. xanax, and he could only take half and it would knock him out for hours. it helped him so much though. finally getting sleep made him a brand new person.

early on, i think after that first hospital stay, they gave us an oxygen tank & cpr equipment. teaching us how to use it...but my sister & i we're lifeguards. we knew. and he did have to use the oxygen tank. there was one night there was a power outage, and when you have someone on oxygen in the home, you need to call the power company to alert them. they're supposed to give you priority. i can't even remember how this oxygen tank work, but i guess it needed electricity. i can't even picture the thing anymore, and so much is a blur. but it was not a fun experience. we were on edge.

and my dad. god he was such a goofy, quiet guy. unless you got him talking and he could TALK. he was very unlike himself. grumpy & quiet in a different way. bored out of his mind. he wasn't worried that night like we were.

there was another day, he was going to an appointment on his own. i don't remember what it was for. but it wasn't supposed to take long and he was gone for hours. he didn't have a cell phone, never felt like he needed one. he had tried to go to the medical supply store after his appointment, but he didn't know where it was. but instead of going home, he just kept driving up & down the road it was on. so me and my mom and half the family were driving around looking for him. my mom & i on the phone, and i finally spotted his car and he pulled into the shop rite parking lot. he was so angry & frustrated. all of this was really scary, it was completely unlike him. i think this was another reason for the xanax, and a cell phone. (for the longest time i kept the few texts we had sent each other. eventually lost them when i got a new phone.)

he did go into remission eventually, the chemo & radiation worked...but he never regained the muscles in his throat. he was going to physical therapy (or whatever therapy) to learn to swallow again and there wasn't improvement. the doctors said he physically wouldn't be able to eat or drink again.

and then one day, after i had just gotten back from a trip to boston, i was at work. my sister left college because she couldn't stand being 7 hours away when he was sick. they had a very special relationship i wish i could describe. and suddenly, i get a call from tracey, my mom's friend from work and it was her son i was working with. she told me to leave & get home right away. of course it was like 5pm and a 20 minute drive took at least 30. my aunt kathleen, who i had no idea was even in town, also called me. and i could hear in her voice exactly what was wrong. i don't even know who called me first. i remember texting the group chat with my friends that something was really wrong, i couldn't say it but i knew. through all of it, i had never gotten a phone call like that.

i get home and there's an ambulance outside. my aunt kathleen & aunt joanne are there. my sister is in my downstairs apartment. he had a blood clot in his throat that burst. my sister was alone with him. she had to call 911 & do cpr until the ambulance arrived, and they couldn't save him. it was his half birthday.

i can't describe what i feel for my sister. she wouldn't talk about it and she still hasn't. i had to stop my mom from looking at my dad. i don't think she could have handled it.

i've talked about how i don't remember that week very well. but what i do remember is needing to get his chair out of the house. it's where he was sitting when it happened, and we only got it so he could have an easier time standing.

not too long after...my now wife moved in with us. and then my nanny had to move in and my mom gave me & renata the master bedroom. she couldn't stand being in there anymore. she redid the bathroom & we painted, and she took the smallest bedroom.

after my nanny passed, and the pandemic hit. she took a trip down to cape may with my sister and she came home with a trailer at a campground. she lived down there the entire summer until october. and then she decided she wasn't coming back. she bought a house.

for a few years, we rented the house from my mom until she had to sell it. now it's gone. i haven't felt too sad about it, but i do now.

when it was happening, the only people i talked to about it were renata (wife) and ryn & james (my best friends). more recently, it's been easier to talk about him. it's been 4.5 years. and i have the best friends i've ever had. it's good to remember him and feel a connection to him.

remembering this wasn't easy but i think about it a lot. he never really complained, so he never told us what it was like for him. but how it was during it all isn't how i remember him. i remember him before, from when i was little & the tickle fights. the time i threw a tantrum because i wanted to stay home with him instead of going to school. going with him to the bookstore he worked in (all the books we had without covers) the stories he'd tell me about when i was a baby.m (he taught me to climb out of my crib, i'd pull the cabinet doors off & he's put them back on and i'd do it again) what a weirdo he was calculating his gas mileage. how he didn't vote consistently until i started making him. all the sci-fi shows he watched & that we would watch together. when he wouldn't tell me what the word orgasm meant & just kept laughing at me. the way he would take his sweet time making his coffee christmas morning while my sister was vibrating & waiting for him to sit down. how he only ever wore jeans, even in the ocean. how he walked around the house in his boots. how he hated getting new shoes because they were never the same. the way he always gave me & my sister something for valentine's day. when i needed a cortisone shot in my jaw & he took me and didn't make me go back to school after because i was miserable. the way he danced. he loved 30s, 40s & 50s music. he didn't understand how we could listen to the same songs over & over, but he watched the same things over & over. his love of horror. how he taken (mini series) with my sister. the last picture with all of his siblings. the picture of him & my mom when he's wearing a lime green shirt. him mowing the lawn with the bandana rapped our his head. the way i wore bandanas because i wanted to be like him. the greenhouse we used to have in the yard. how he used to grow pot on our deck and my mom made him get rid of it when i did dare (finding weed in his drawer but having no idea what it was lol). how he collected all the different quarters and kept half dollars & dollar coins. the photos he carried around with pictures of all the kids in our family. the way i'm "just like him" and what everyone really means is probably autistic lol the story about a gay man hitting on him. the time he was arrested at the shore for open alcohol or whatever and the cop was basically a kid lol the way he would swim out really far in the ocean with me & my mom would be having a heart attack and eventually the lifeguards would yell at us to come back in. the way he went on the rollercoasters with my sister bc i didn't like them. the way he barely used crutches for a day after his knee surgery. i think about my uncle kevin telling me how much he loved me & my sister & my mom.

[becauseplot]

alright, finished osnf ep 9 here we go.

i am taking this so so seriously. (RIP the Helper and RIP Felps. he came he welcomed-to-santo-berco'd he ate buttery butter and he died. thank you for your service to the plot o7)

in any case, that sure was. that sure was something huh. first of all yippee the horrors are back!! kind of? there are horrific monsters and people lost sanity points and someone got knocked out so!! it counts.

there is definitely Something Up with this village though because well. OBVIOUSLY. the people here aren't completely human anymore and everyone is too nice and the food is too good and there's a weird-ass endless maze in the center that spits you out when you get bored. oh yeah and the village is actually alive(????) and has a very strict no smoking policy.

i guess where im being thrown is the double-whammy of the sudden genre/setting change and the way that this feels like it comes completely out of left field? i was actually so excited to see if Liz's time-wormhole-portal-whatever theory was correct because there was a SHITLOAD of evidence pointing towards time shenanigans, and i had actually been hoping it was correct because i love those kinds of time travel stories, where everything is actually part of one big loop. (though i suppose that would be pretty hard to nail in ttrpg since those kinds of stories require very delicate planning, and the whole point of ttrpg is the freedom it allows the players/characters. doomed-from-the-start stories wouldn't operate well in ttrpg huh. idk im not a GM nor have i played/watched much ttrpg but i imagine it can't be easy. ANYWAY.) instead we get to the cave and suddenly we're in a magical medieval village with overly friendly grey elves and massive cows with tiny heads and crystals that can heal grievous injuries in seconds?? it's kinda throwing me because i hop into an ordem paranormal VOD expecting urban horror-fantasy and now im just getting what feels like fantasy with the horror thrown on top of it.

of course, i dont wanna get that neg with this. i trust cellbit and his writing, and like i said, there's DEFINITELY more going on here. im not about to stop watching this series because im thrown off, but im kinda :T atm ykno. but again, trust!! i'll hopefully watch more tomorrow. im just not a big fan of massive setting/genre switches like these ones. i probably just need more time to get settled in.

there were still good moments in this episode!!! i like all of the townspeople (though if i am highly suspicious of them; even if they're not being intentionally malicious they might be complicit in something / causing harm and not realize it), and cellbit getting SOOOO excited when Thiago flicked his lighter and the mist descended and the horrors returned (him and me both). plus him grabbing every die he owns to roll for the Blacksmith (who is a fucking TANK holy shit he's so fucking strong what the hell) and to fuck with i think Rakin at some point? might've been Guaxi. oh and also

POV: your dumbass mentee keeps eating the probably-cursed food in the probably-cursed village and is probably about to get his ass persephone'd

anyway that is all for now. tl;dr - i am still enjoying most of this and ofc im gonna keep watching im just very ?????? rn, but i trust the process. gn <3

edit: FUCK I FORGOT TO MENTION---current theory is that the blond woman who was last seen with Team Kelvin was the pilgrim who brought them to Santo Berco. and they had gone with her bc they figured out that she could lead them exactly where they needed to go. yeah ok gn fr.

[nocompromise-noregrets]

five good things

Very quickly before I dash off to work, because I find myself feeling really rather unaccountably content this morning, for no immediately apparent reason.

I am spending two days with my gardener-lady researcher/volunteer at job number two, who is always fantastic to talk to, and always brings proper coffee and cake. I've been feeling rather unhappy with job number two recently, as I don't have time to do what needs doing and the job has grown beyond what I'm comfortable/happy doing, but discovering new stuff about gardener-lady and her sister (who married into the family and is the current owners' great-grandmother) is always exciting and interesting. I do two days with her rather than my usual one to make it worth her while coming down from London, and although I find a full five-day week rather trying these days (I have turned into such a lightweight), it does mean that I get a three-day week next week, because I'll have worked my day for job number two this week instead. :D

It rained overnight and although the sky is still grey, it's looking a bit lighter to the west, and the washing line and peach tree that I can see from my window have lots of tiny bright raindrops along them, like little jewels.

I have started working out again, and although it is a terrible chore and I hurt all over, I know it's doing me good, and because I do it immediately after getting up, I get all my exercise and move targets out of the way on my watch before I've even started the day, which is quite satisfying.

The missus has finished her old job, which was really doing her head in, and will be starting her first job as an independent contractor on 1 December. This is a really good move for her, and will massively improve her mental health (and our financial situation). Which in turn ought to improve mine. :D

I'm rereading All I Want Is You in hopes of gaining the inspiration to be able to finish it, and am really enjoying it :D Lots of stuff I'd forgotten I'd written.

It's beginning to look a lot like That Time of Year again. Inspired by the lovely @mihrsuri, I am thinking of sending little festive cards to anyone who would like one and is comfortable giving me their address. I promise I am a genuine person and not a stalker, and will not do nefarious things with your information. The cards will probably have kittens on them, possibly wearing Santa hats, and in all likelihood there will be glitter. :D Ping me a DM if you'd like one.

Right. I'd better go and get myself sorted out and get to job number two so I can have coffee and cake and a good old gossip.