#but idk what else to do because i cannot intuitive eat

[whsprings]

dietitian: we use exchanges so that you can't use numbers to restrict!

me: challenge accepted

[celestialdr]

My Script

So I’m posting up my script here if anyone's interested. This is for my main DR in the D:BH Universe.

It’s kinda long.

*WARNING: very self indulgent.*

Intro

My DR is set in the D:BH universe. In Detroit, 2039. I am a young Detective at the DPD.

All events that happened in my play trough of DBH happen in this reality. EG. Markus = Peaceful Revolution. Kara= Her, Alice and Luther all escape to Canada together. Connor = Becomes Deviant.

Hank and Connor become like father and son. Connor moved in with Hank after the events of DBH.

I have been working at the DPD as a detective for about a year now, I was very excited to be working alongside my dear friend Trey Greene (OC), who actually ended up being my partner. We do almost every investigation together.

During my time at the DPD I have become fast friends with Hank and Chris. Gavin is okay, we joke and banter but I wouldn’t say we are buds. I disliked his attitude towards Hank and his dislike of androids. But if he changes, who knows, maybe we can be friends. Idk.

I always supported android rights, even before there where deviants. I always treated androids with kindness and compassion.

I first met Connor on the 6th of November 2038, back before he was deviant. I was always kind to him and had a fondness for him. When Connor first saw me he stopped for a minute in a miniature awe, the stereotypical love at first sight motif. Although he did not know it at the time - him not being deviant yet. A software instability entered his program upon seeing me. In fact, anytime we made eye contact or talked he got a software instability. It baffled him.

The first time he saw me after deviating he was hit with butterflies, it didn’t take too long to realize what it was, he had a huge crush on me. He kept it to himself but Hank knew immediately.

It is now January the 8th 2039, Connor and I have become quite good friends but his feelings for me only continue to grow. We've only known each other for 2- 3 months but Connor is falling in love fast and now he's decided to finally pluck up the courage and admit his feelings to me and ask me out. How will he do this? I don’t know yet.

______

World

 After the events of DBH, Androids start getting rights, relatively quickly.

Laws are implemented to protect androids. Androids are free. They can own property, get paid for working and all of the things Markus was advocating for.

As time goes on Androids fully integrate into our society and we mostly live in peace. Hate crime of any kind is rare.

Android politicians start to pop up. Android Pride day exists. Androids can marry each other and humans. Android/Human relationships are normalised. Androids can adopt. Etc.

_______

Shifting

 1 hour - 1 day

. While I am in my DR my clone is sleeping in my CR.

. I have a Healthy attachment to my DR and I recognise the importance of my CR.

. I remember everything from both realities vividly while I'm in the other unless I script otherwise.

· I can fully trust my clone. My clone acts identical to me.

· When I shift back to my current reality time stops in my DR. The next time I go to my DR everything continues where I left off.

 · I can use the LIFA app in my DR to see what my clone is doing in CR.

· I only shift back to my CR when I want to, I can’t go back on accident.

· My safe phrase for coming back to my CR is “I want to go back to my Current Reality.” or even as simply as I make it my intention, then I can go back.

·  Nothing traumatic happens to me in my DR.

· When I come back to my CR, I will remember everything that happened in my DR.

· When I shift, I wake up in my DR bedroom.

 · When I am shifted I smell cinnamon and my eyes automatically open.

· I cannot die or get very hurt in my DR.

. I am able to fully Integrate Into my DR self’s life. e.g. Rembering my DR self’s past, feeling comfortable and normal talking to and interacting with people in my DR selfs life. Having all the skills and knowledge my DR self has.

. No one from my CR or other realities can enter my DR without my permission.

.My guardian Angel or one of my angels or guides from my DR has decided to help me shift. Whenever I try to shift in this reality the Angel assits me and pulls my CR self into My DR.

_______

About Me

I have the same name, b-day etc but I am 25 Years old.

Childhood and teen years, pretty similar to CR.

Everything is pretty much the same except added skills talents or whatever else I script.

 Physical

·  I Look like myself but 10x prettier.

·  I have my dream body, which always stays perfect and in shape. Similar to my body type only toned and fitter.

·  I have perfect, white straight teeth.

. I always have good breath.

· I always smell great - My sweat doesn’t smell.

· Low, silent gas that doesn’t smell.

· I usually smell like ‘Soap and Glory’ products.

· I have Beautiful hair that is easily maintained. My hair is also a slightly lighter blonde.

· I have my Ideal, natural eyebrows.

·  I have soft, clear skin and I am slightly tanner than in my CR. 

· I am beautiful from all angles.

· I have long eyelashes.

·  I have a straight, cute nose.

·  I always have good hygiene.

·  I never gain weight when I don’t want to, my body is always slim and never bloated.

·  If I ever get pregnant, after having my baby, my body goes quickly back to the way it looked before.

· I don’t have to shave too often.

· If I ever decide have a baby, my pregnancy will be safe and my child will be safe. It will be born happy and healthy.

· I have perfect senses.

·  I can be fully functional with little sleep.

· I have good stamina and am physically fit.

· I still have my accent. 

· I have a naturally beautiful face with and without make up.

· My make-up sits perfectly on my face and stays all day until I take it off.

· My make-up never runs.

· I always have nicely manicured nails.

·  I always look well groomed. 

Health

 · I have high pain tolerance.

· My period only lasts two days and doesn’t hurt too bad.

· I can only get pregnant if actually wanting too.

· I am always safe.

·  I am divinely protected at all times.

· I am well rested and perfectly healthy.

· I can think clearly.

· I have good mental health - maybe went through similar mental health issues when I was younger but now am perfectly healthy and able to cope.

· I do not scar.

· I heal fast.

· 𝖨 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖻𝖾 too overly 𝖺𝗍𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖽 to my DR and I will not get any trauma.

·  I eat healthy, and enjoy healthy foods.

· I drink plenty of water

·  I have balanced chakras, Good intuition and I radiate love and light.

·  I can easily communicate with angels.

Skills

·  I am a skilled detective. I know exactly what to do and I have all required skills.

·  I am an excellent shot.

·  I have excellent fighting and self-defence skills.

· I have high intelligence.

· I'm never badly hurt in the line of duty. Extremely lucky (like domino in dp2.) If I ever get hurt in DR its only minor. No one is suspicious about it.

·  I'm a good writer.

· My art skills are always better in my DR than in CR.

· I have a good memory and deduction skills. Good reasoning skills.

· I am socially confident and charismatic.

· I am an excellent speaker.

· I am good at reading people.

· I give good advice.

· I am a good friend.

· I am a great kisser and fantastic in bed.

· I am hard working and have lots of patience.

· I'm a great singer and can play piano, guitar.  

·  I know French and Irish.

·  I know how to drive.

· I'm really good at make-up.

·  I'm really funny.

·  People easily trust me.

Life

· I have all knowledge my CR self has.

· I had a relatively easy life.

· I come from a wealthy family.

· I am always full of motivation and energy.

·  I have an amazing closet full of clothes, including both new clothes and my CR self's clothes.

· I have all of my current realities belongings. (Well, the stuff that I want with me.)

· I have a ton of art supplies.

· I live in my own house which I can afford with ease.

· I have a cute golden retriever called Bailey who is okay alone in the house while I'm at work.

· Bailey is a year old and is fully trained.

· I have a nice car that is self-driving.

· I have a good phone with the LIFA app

·  I get to travel to cool places on holidays/vacation.

· While I'm in my DR I don’t confuse my CR's past with my DR's.

· All my fave shows, music, movies are also in my DR.

· I have lots of friends and make friends easily.

· I remember my past in the DR and can reference it with ease.

· I never have to kill as a detective, I can always disarm or find another solution.

· I won't get fired from my job.

· I'm good at my job and I know how to do my job well.

· Trey is my partner and our desks are beside each other.

·  I'm also friends with Chris and Hank.

·  My friends are always there for me. My friends care about me.

·  Money comes to me easily and effortlessly.

·  I am a really great at manifesting what I want in my DR.

·  People I don’t want to, won’t die or get very hurt.

·  People from my DR never notice if I'm not there because when I’m not there, my clone takes my place. (Although I probably won't use my clone too often because I plan to pick up where I left off most of the time.)

·  I know all passcodes and important numbers of my DR self's life. E.g. Passwords, phone numbers, etc.

·I have a Spotify/ (or whatever the equivalent to it is in this reality) filled with music that I like. Maybe some of the playlists that I have in CR.

· I'm quick at picking up skills.

· If I ever decide to change career in my DR, I can do so with ease and get whatever job I want.

·   I have nice, tidy handwriting.

Family

I come from a wealthy family. We moved from N.I. to America - Detroit in 2025. (Moved Because dad was offered a great job.) *family all have our green cards.*

Family is friends with Carl Manfred.

A very loving, healthy and supportive family.

* In my actual script I go into more detail about my family. but i’ll give you a brief rundown. I chose to shift to a reality with a different family from my CR family because I thought if I had a different family and friends it will give me more of a reason to come back to my CR. So I can have balance? idk...*  

My DR dads name is Patrick, DR mums name is Mary and my DR brothers name is Lucas.

Family support and are okay with my relationship with Connor because they recognise androids as living beings.

Last but Not least! Bailey!

Bailey is my one year old Golden retriever. She is very well trained and is an absolute angel. She also really loves Connor.

House

I live in a 1 bedroom, 1 bath house with Bailey. *In my actual script I stuck in a bunch of pictures of a house I built in the sims 4.*

Friends

So, I'm not going to go through all the friends I scripted on here but I’ll tell you about my best friend from my DR. My partner from work, Trey Greene. He’s 27, a leo (like me) and gay. (I honestly made my entire friend group LGBTQ+ LOL)

I may have also scripted that jenna marbles is there and shes my friend lol.

Connor

*Okay now to the real reason I'm shifting, the love of my life.*

Connor falls in love with me the moment he sees me. Although he may not understand what it is at first because he hasn’t deviated yet. When he fully deviates he realises his feelings. He's a little shy about it at first but eventually asks me out. We date and fall in love and end up in a loving healthy relationship. We respect each other's boundaries and are completely in love. Like stereotypical soulmates.

 Connor is very romantic and affectionate. Literally like a prince charming.

 When we get together we are in a healthy relationship and both of us are completely faithful. I can trust Connor fully because I know he is trust worthy and always has my best intentions at heart.

 . We have similar love languages.

.  Connor is super-duper romantic and calls me sweet names like "My love."

. Much Like me in this DR, Connor is completely protected and safe with extremely good luck.

After the events of DBH and Connor is deviant. Amanda and cyberlife no longer have any control over him.

 NSFW warning - Skip to Lifa if your not comfy.

Connor's model was created fully equipped with regular male genitalia (which is about 7 inches.)

He is very vocal in bed and is great at dirty talk. He can do loving romantic sex and also kinky rough sex too.

 Lifa

Lifa is an app on my smart phone that only I have access to. Others don’t notice it. (like hidden in plain sight.)

 It can only be noticed by others if I decide I want to show it to someone.

 Lifa allows me to script while in my WR. It also allows me to see myself in CR.

Lifa updates me when its nearly time for me to wake up or reminds me when. As if it's like a timer.

 Lifa doesn’t require internet. It has maps on it. I can look at my money and add to my money if I so wish. (if I add money it doesn’t ruin the economy.) idk magic lol

 I can also access in online on a computer or tablet or any device that carries the internet.

 No one else can use it unless I specifically allow it.

 I will be alerted by this app if my clone wakes up.

 I always have my phone near me. I can never lose it. Its also always fully charged.

 If I get a new phone. Lifa automatically downloads on it and deletes off the old phone.

MISC.

· When androids deviate they are able to feel pleasure, touch, etc.

· Androids actually do have souls and are actually a new life form.

· After revolution CyberLife starts to create things for androids like upgrades. E.G. Taste, ability to do almost everything humans can.

 · Most people are environmentally conscious.

· The earth is healing and people are taking better care of the planet. A lot more environmentally conscious options.

·  The ocean, air, atmosphere and earth are all 70% cleaner than in CR.

·  Racism, homophobia, sexism are quite rare. Ultimately society frowns upon such things.

·   Humans and Androids live in peace

· Shortly after the revolution, Kamski got repointed as CEO of Cyberlife. Cyberlife now focusing on the needs of Androids and helping them adjust into the world.

·  Youtube still exists and is relevant.

·   Bagel Bean and Boojum exist in Detroit and aren't too far from my home. (These are food places back at where I'm from that are bomb.)

·  No crisis with bees.

. The Police and justice system are reformed.

·   No threats of ww3.

·  I don’t live too far from work.

·  All the videogames I like still exist, (except for dbh obvs.)

· We can buy Cadburys and Pujana tea in America. (Things I like in the UK.)

• Food in US is similar to food in UK. e.g. same food laws and food that is actual tasty / healthy. LOL 

(sorry, I've been to America and the food there tastes weird, man.)

Future

Now that the androids have rights, Cyberlife has to free all active Androids. Eventually they get around to RK900. Cyberlife only created one RK900 as a prototype before the revolution.

The RK900 goes by the name Nines. He ends up working in the DPD. (Months later.)  It takes a while for Nines to deviate but he eventually does. Nines is rather stoic but he is nice. Him and Connor have a brotherly bond. Nines becomes friends with me, Connor, Hank and Trey. (Part of our little found family.)

 In the future, when Connor and I are both ready we get married and have kids (either through adoption or sperm donation or maybe they find a way for androids to have kids in the future, idk?)

 In the future me and Connor buy our dream house together.

--

So, Yeah that's what I've scripted so far. I keep one script on my PC and one in a notebook under my bed. 

Feel free to use any ideas or concepts from my script 

[itsakpopalypse]

Park Junhee Astrology : How he loves

A/N The last member in the set !!! also my bias and i am already combusting just thinking about this

as always there will be 18+ below the cut

pls his smile is sunshine i cannot breathe

OOOF MY BIAS 

IDK IF I  AM READY FOR THE FEELS 

but I am gonna try to be honest and go by the stars so heeeere we go

Virgo rising, Gemini sun, Pisces moon

let’s start by saying what a beautiful, intuitive split that is 

i am already soft

because your Virgo means he is a perfectionist  but he expects more of himself than anyone else 

so he might sound harsh, and in his head he probably is, except, he won’t say those things because his pisces moon won’t let him

so instead he will stop and think of the kindest way to say it

he is such a good leader and would be such an empathetic boyfriend whew

we stan HEALTHY COMMUNICATION 👌

So instead his Virgo will translate into being a soothing presence.

someone who seems like he has his shit together even if he doesn’t

really amazing at getting people to work together and think

so if he likes you he will be confident on the outside and inside he will worry about everything

Virgos and their attention to detail tho

so he is going to think of the most sincere way to confess

and you know with that Gemini Sun he has been flirting for ages

and you might even have an idea he might like you

but if you don’t act on it he is gonna think you have NO CLUE CAUSE HE IS SO SMOOTH LIKE THAT 

this man i stg

He will probably take you somewhere breathtaking

maybe the ocean or something

and then he will have some hand written lyrics he wrote just for you and he will have shaking hands as he recites them cause his voice is not working well enough to sing

he got choked up on the emotions and got shy

will low key be kicking himself for how cheesy it is but he won’t break eye contact no matter how embarrassed he is

will give bite his lip and wait for you to say something without breathing

please just tell him he is gonna pass out

Once he has a yes from you he will smile like the sun itself

the Gemini will pop out

inquisitive and happy and excitable and fun

he will be a bouncy baby

he’ll grab your hands and giggle and ask you if he can kiss your cheek and then when he does it he will full body wiggle and run away for a minute he is overwhelmed just give him a second to process

SO 

FULL 

OF LOVE

Pisces moon the man has been planning his dream wedding, marriage, and number of kids since he was like 14

he’s such a dad at heart and he will want to take care of someone

so he may not tell you immediately but  you’ll see the hints. 

he is casting longing glances at the baby shoes in the store and you are like

NO not yet okay

and he’s like a guilty puppy

what me ?? I wasn’t??

His mercury is Cancer so he CANNOT HOLD ALL THESE LEMONS FEELINGS 

He will get frustrated if you don’t empathize well

he is a fantastic communicator but if he is truly in his feels he is gonna need some time to chill before he explains because it is overwhelming

venus in Cancer

if you read Byeongwkan’s breakdown you know where that is heading

needy for your time

jealous if you spend too much away from his side

his Gemini balances that a bit since it’s a free spirited air sign

but he will have moments where he is like

you come here and sit with me or i will literally combust thanks

and will probably tug on your hand until you do

or do that cat like thing of just

being in front of whatever you were doing and irritate the shit out of you until you pay him attention

Mars is Taurus so artistic by nature and good with his hands

touch is a huge communicator and driver

he will be clingy but if you are clingy with HIM instead???

oooo

that is his KINK

give him forehead kisses and hold his hand YAS THAT HOW HE LIKES IT

YAS

reciprocate that affection hunny he will pop a boner in his heart, okay.

is more husband than boyrfriend

expect him to immediately start taking care of things 

not in a controlling way but in a worrying way

it’s second nature to him

Jupiter in Scorpio he wants to pull you apart layer by layer and know you better than you do

he wants to make you happier than you have ever been so so many questions to learn everything about you

they love psychology and it will help him understand you 

so when conflict arises he will be like look i understand why you are upset it’s because that one time when you were 15.....

he is so sweet and caring and wants to take care of your soul he is such dad ddy

someone get him away from me before i fight him

I AM A MESS

Gemini is an adventurous sign

this man wants to try EVERY kink that he can find that sounds hot to you 

like if you’re not into it that’s fine but Gemini’s are high key horny

sex drive is let’s see how many times we can get through before one of us passes out

with that Cancer venus that DADDY is coming with it

he wants control

he wants domination

but he wants you to fall apart begging for it

a TEASE

“Ask nicely, baby, and I’ll think about it.”

Loves a pillow princess

lay back and let him make you feel so good

he’s not the tallest guy okay and he’s a little insecure about it so if you are smaller that is such a kink for him

it won’t bother him if you’re not

he just will get horny AF comparing sizes if you’re smaller

look how cute your little hands are in mine

Lowkey loves to see you on your knees

if you beg and make it pretty he will reward you

probably let you palm him through his pants before the main event

but don’t open that belt unless he directs you to

he wants to state things clearly and with purpose and have you falling over yourself to please him

once he’s got you in the bed though

oh lord

he is a little rough but it’s in a needy way ya know

probably an ass man

so he’ll kneel at the end of the bed

grab you by your ass and drags you down the bed and up to his mouth

eats you half suspended in the air

nasty noises while he does

praising and body worship for sure

smirks down at you as you squirm in his grasp and tells you not to hold back 

wants to hear you scream his name

asks you to tell him who could fuck you like him

the right answer is no one

and he is fucking THRILLED by that

he’ll let you suck him but only if you are  D E S P A R A T E

likes to hit it from the back so he can push your head down and leave bruises on your hips

runs his hands down your spine and tells you how pretty you look being good for him

do not be a brat  repeat to not be a brat

he doesn’t put up with misbehavior and will either not let you cum at all or will make you cum until you cannot words anymore

likes to see tears stream down your face from overstim

Taurus mars means he is so thorough and he is so hands on get ready you are his to break and bend 

MAYBE okay don’t fight me on this MAYBE

maybe he has a breeding kink

he doesn’t want anything between you and he has already imagined your family

he is impatient and he wants to start right away

so after a discussion about it ,it’s coming out in the bedroom

“Gonna fill you up baby, can’t wait to make you so full.” 

“You like it when I fuck you raw baby? That’s right tell me how I make you feel”

if you cuss you get a slap to the thigh but he really likes it too

wants you thrashing under him incoherently

Mirror sex...

I said he’s kinky!

aftercare is a must

soooooooo gentle

takes a bath with you

probably gets turned on again and ooops time to finger you in the tub

listen

once everything is done and you are both satisfied

he is going to pull you into his arms and praise you until you sleep  and in the morning he has a cup of coffee and breakfast next to the bed but somehow you are still in his arms ??

a sneaky caretaker

i am so sOFT for him 

Okay !! 

A.C.E is done!!! I hope you have enjoyed the series!!!

I AM A MESS

Anyway who should I do next send me asks requests are OPEN

[sturlsons]

french in 1.5 years anon

Kinda random but I just found out that I’ll be required to be intermediate/advanced in French by the next 1.5 years; ALL I KNOW IS THAT MEIRDE IS A BAD BAD WORD! Idk if you’re a native speaker but I was wondering if you could provide me of any good French language resources (or language in general since I’ll be needing to learn Arabic soon as well), and like tips for language learning and how to go about it? Sorry to bother you haha this is MY stress but I appreciate any help! Have a great day!

HEY. so i really fucking dropped the ball on this one, i’m sorry. 2019 has been one health fiasco after another (or more like the same fiasco again and again) and i kept telling myself i want to sit down and make a proper post for this, until i realised that that’s just never going to happen given the way things are rn. and i’d rather give you a quickly-written post which is actually helpful than never write that perfect bullet-pointed one. 

first of all, i’ve been in your EXACT position (so no, i’m not a native speaker) except i had about...six months to go from je m’appelle teesta to voyez-vous, le problème qui se cache derrière tout ça n’est pas le manque de respect mais la personne dont il s’agit or whatever. i was like, i can so do this. (spoiler: i didn’t, because i was 18 and overconfident and stupid and didn’t actually know how to learn a language.) GOOD NEWS: having learned 3 more foreign languages since then, i am now REALLY GOOD at learning languages REALLY FAST. 1.5 years is a good amount of time, so don’t stress.

i’m going to go generic on this, with some extra tips about french since i speak it, unlike arabic. 

first thing, that typical thing everyone hates to hear but knows is coming from the mouth of an accomplished person (pat on my back) in any field whatsoever: you’re going to have to work really hard and practice like fuck. 

there’s just nothing else that can replace it. i’ve filled up notebooks and notebooks with japanese verb conjugations, once i did like 1800 of them in one sitting. but you better believe that a bitch will never forget those now. resign yourself to putting in at least three hours of your day to this until you get to the level you need. (and three hours is...kind. at my peak i was literally reading through french dictionaries at the library, 10 AM - 8 PM. i treated it like a workday.)

now, what you need to establish is: are you a hands-on learner or a digital one. 

i don’t really care for all the auditory learner and visual learner stuff, i don’t know about anyone else but i personally used those as excuses to avoid certain exercises. unless you have actual disabilities preventing you from accessing certain methods of learning, you can train yourself into anything. it’s a matter of practice. i could barely understand a new song without reading its lyrics first, now i eat up podcasts. 

SO. the question here is different. a hands-on learner, like i used to be more or less throughout my bachelor’s, is someone who absolutely cannot retain information unless they’ve written it down BY HAND at least once. pen and paper. (i’m still like this but i’ve learned to combine it with digital methods to go faster.) if this isn’t a hurdle for you, congratulations. your process is going to go that much faster, at least for french. (you’ll have to spend hours practicing your written arabic however, if you’re not familiar with the script.) 

now, if you’re a hands-on learner, you need to add an extra hour to your daily time. no matter how fast you write, you will take that time. and you cannot shorthand your way into languages. you need to understand how french is spelt, what accents it uses, that they put a space before exclamation points, question marks, and semicolons. (side tip: learn the IPA. it will be useful to you forever in language learning, at least for the romance languages.) i’m not gonna teach you how to make notes since i’ve never benefitted from copying someone else’s style, so if you don’t have a set method start establishing that. you need regularity and rhythm when you learn a language. my grammar notes look the same regardless of the language. i don’t have my french ones since it’s been years and i didn’t take good ones then anyway, but here’s my japanese and russian stuff. 

JAPANESE NOTES // RUSSIAN NOTES

now, it bears mentioning that these notes are NOT the notes i take when i don’t know shit. these are final level notes. they’re brief, idiosyncratic, and only reminders. something to refer to when i’m revising and suddenly forget a rule. the first notes i make are much more elaborate, whether they’re pretty or not. i’ve gradually lost the fucks i had about really going ham on academics so my russian notes are very messy, but my japanese ones from back in the day are magnificent. here’s a look. during lesson one i realised that japanese and my mother tongue, gujarati, are syntaxically similar as shit, and i started taking notes with references in gujarati. it sped up my learning process 2x while my french classmates were still going “BUT WHY IS IT LIKE THAT”. 

PRACTICAL GRAMMAR // THEORETICAL GRAMMAR

if you plan to learn more languages in the future, this will be so valuable. sometimes a phrase i learn in russian doesn’t make sense in its french explanation, but a phrase in english might use the same logic. bam, put down the translation in english then. you get what i’m saying? the more languages you learn, the easier it gets to learn languages. 

now if you’re a digital learner, i’ve got great news for you. duolingo and anki are your best friends. duolingo’s memed to hell and has a system that might not work for everyone, but they’ll do the brunt work of compiling grammar notes for you in the beginnings/ends of their lessons. note those down and transform them into anki flashcards, and you can learn grammar concepts without doing 20 exercises. (do those exercises if you can, though, nothing beats mindless practice.) now anki is an intimidating-looking but actually super intuitive app that basically builds digital flashcards for you and shows them to you in a rhythm based on your own learning speed. it’ll show you the front of a card, let’s say merde. you say the english translation out loud, shit, and hit enter. correct! was that easy? anki’ll show it to you in 10 minutes. hard? it’ll show you in 1 minute. super easy? merde won’t come up again until tomorrow. eventually you get so good at it that you can bury a card for 2 months. anki will also show you the same cards reversed, which is harder but trains you better. you’ll see shit and have to remember what it’s called in french, which is more difficult than you’d think it is. 

you can use anki for more than just vocab, like i mentioned. it’s a little tricky learning to convert grammar concepts into front/back flashcards, but you can do it. for example, here’s a sample of one of my russian grammar cards: 

front ^^

back once i hit enter^^

see? not that difficult. now don’t be an idiot like me who manually entered every single flashcard into anki. you can find pre-made packages online (but you can’t guarantee they’ll be correct) or you can make your own without killing your fingers. what you wanna do is open up a spreadsheet and make two columns, A for front of the card and B for back. it’ll look like this:

then you’re gonna save that spreadsheet as a .CVS (comma separated values) and import that into anki. bam, your flashcards are made for you with half the effort. there’s also a script floating around somewhere to make excel translate words automatically for you, but i don’t recommend that unless they’re really easy words. google translate can fuck up. reverso is your friend. 

you need to review your anki cards every day. it’ll take less and less time as you go along. i can review 300 russian cards in 15 minutes now. but you need to keep the rhythm going. download ankiapp and sync your cards, review them on commutes or in the hallway or whatever. trust me, it’s magic. 

apart from this, if a traditional textbook helps, go for that. i’ve always used textbooks and workbooks, more as supports than as principal methods, but it does help. it’s structured and organised and these people know how to train you. bescherelle is a good go-to for french. 

media is always a great way of immersion too, until you get to the country itself. it’ll show you how french people speak french. when i first came to france i didn’t have that experience and even though i spoke an arguably decent amount of french when i got here, it was like, if this is french then what the fuck was i learning in high school. if you like watching movies this is your chance. watch the classics first so that you can get an idea of french pop culture. amélie (though the pop culture aspect here is about shitting on it) and les intouchables, for starters. watch your favourite films, first subbed, then subbed and dubbed, then just dubbed. i watched all ten seasons of friends with french subs, it was wild. with music you want to start off with some indie-ish singers since they will universally sing softer and slower, making things easier to understand than idk, la tribu de dana. (if you’re into bts there’s a hilarious video of their baepsae choreo set to la tribu de dana.) anyway - angèle, cœur de pirate, céline dion, fréro delavega, uhhh that fucking french sufjan stevens. what’s his name. VIANNEY. don’t fucking listen to biglo and oli or like, fatal bazooka right away. you will not understand shit. i barely understand it. white people are wild. ooh listen to stromae. orelsan too, he’s a rapper but he has a relatively clean diction imo. he also sang the french opening for OPM. they call him orelsan-san in japan.

last but not the least: if you have the opportunity to interact in french with people, DO IT. native speakers will do their best to help you and be kind about it. people who learned french might sometimes be assholes from experience. it’s a whole superiority complex thing, and very hypocritical. anyway - online or IRL, wherever you can practice your french, do it. it’ll be immensely helpful. there’s nothing like the frustration of not being able to express simple things to get you motivated to get better. do your best to immerse yourself - changing the language on your devices can make a difference too. 

i think that’s all i have and again, i’m sorry for taking this long to finally deliver, thanks for your patience! if you have any specific questions don’t hesitate to hit me up, on anon or not. 

good luck - it’s not going to be the easiest but nothing is as gratifying as beginning to understand the workings of a language. you’re gonna love it!

[isrustandstardust]

Are you young at heart, or an old soul?

A very old soul.

What makes someone a best friend?

Complicity.

What Christmas present do you remember the most?

A huge crocodile plush.

Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life.

Slaughterhouse n.5 - Kurt Vonnegut. I have it tattooed on me.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike.

I like my hands, skinny and long and my lips, are full and well shaped.

I don’t like my stomach because of my fucking protruding ribs.

Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with?

I’d love to have a reunion with my uni classmates.

What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection?

Both.

Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title.

I don’t judge a movie by the title but I know for a fact that every Baz Luhrmann’s movie will suck.

What holiday do you most look forward to?

Christmas!

How is the relationship between you and your parents?

I don’t speak with my mother since the summer of 2018. I see my dad every two/three months.

You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on?

Top crime.

Name a song that never fails to make you happy.

Do you realize - The Flaming Lips.

You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him.

He was a childish fuck. Tried to hookup with me right in front of his gf.

If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be?

Iceland.

Can money buy happiness?

It cannot make it worse.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not?

I almost don’t drink anymore because I don’t feel like it, I smoke because Ilike it, I don’t do drugs because it’s stupid.

Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names.

Sure is.

Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid?

My bedroom. XD

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital?

More than I’d like to remember.

Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people?

I hate large groups of people. Too tiring.

Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to?

No, not at all.

Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else?

I’ve been bullied, a lot. Never bullied anyone tho.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Idk, I’m not that into food. Red meat maybe?

If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship?

Hell no. Sexual intimacy is important in a relationship.

Do you believe in a god?

Lol no, I’m not stupid.

Of all the social networks in the world, why use Tumblr?

I’m a nostalgic person, what can I say.

What’s your favorite Tumblr tag to track?

Goth aesthetic.

Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?”

No, we were utterly broke XD

Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended.

All of them, I watch them after all the hype is gone.

Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial?

Nope.

If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you?

No way.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say?

Run like hell.

What’s your “quirkiest” habit?

I only have quirk habits.

What is “normal?” Are you normal?

Normal is boring, I’m not normal luckily, never been.

Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer?

In a skip second. Sorry guys.

What is one thing you could never forgive?

Lies.

Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single?

Real relationships start after the honeymoon period.

Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends?

Of course.

Where do you and your friends go to hang out?

Each others homes, rock clubs.

Write the first paragraph of your obituary.

See you down there bitches.

What is the best TV theme song ever?

Hannibal’s.

When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up?

A pathologist. I was morbid even as a child.

When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked?

No, I have way too many windows.

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

My projects, my husband.

Do you want to have more friends than you have right now?

No, I’m actually ok.

What part of the past year sticks out in your mind?

The ‘one illustration a day’ I did during the lockdown.

You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job?

Yes, I love to make art. Illustrations, videos, photos and music alike.

Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work?

I’m not into LDR, I like to have my man with me and share the daily things.

What’s the best route to your heart?

My mind and my fantasy, it’s a twisted route.

Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life?

Yup, and dated them for 4 years.

What is your favorite sport?

Cycling.

What has been troubling you lately?

My body not reacting well the few times that I feed him.

What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning?

Intuition first, logic after. Usually my intuitions are right.

Do you know what makes you happy?

A few, precise things. Art, love, freedom.

Tell me about the last book you read.

I read a criminology book. So fascinating!

What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given?

‘Nothing last in your hands’.

Who was your first crush?

A kid from my class back in kindergarten I think.

Do you believe that there is life on other planets?

Yes, I’d love to find Turians somewhere!

Predict what your life will look like a year from now.

Home renovated, my main and secret project on the run, a Rottweiler, a Sphynx and a bike!

Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began.

We just looked at each other and BAM. Thunderbolt.

Where is your favorite place to go out and eat?

The sushi place we own.

What is something you want to change about your current situation?

We are waiting for a decent sum of money to arrive.

Early bird or night owl?

Night snake :3

Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to?

No, not a single one.

Give me an unpopular opinion you have.

Harry Potter is overrated and actually poorly written.

What was the last song that was stuck in your head?

A song from an old Baraofetida’s album a friend made me listen.

Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want.

Somewhere between Pisa and Lucca, Tuscany.

Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation?

No, you raise a lot of unique special goddamn snowflakes that way. Yuck.

What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken?

9 hrs straight.

Have you ever taken part in a protest?

No, not that I recall.

Would you ever use an online dating service?

Nope, lame!

What is your ethnic heritage?

I’m an Italian girl who doesn’t looks Italian at all.

Describe a person that inspires you.

An amazing woman, photographer, videomaker and musician.

Love her work.

If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you?

Sure.

Do you believe in luck?

Kinda, I believe in karma more.

Describe the last time you were very angry at someone.

It’s been a while, maybe it was last year when I was really mad at a colleague of mine.

Do you want to live until you’re 100?

Oh god, no.

Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change?

Will power and hard work.

Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them?

I’ve never liked a friend.

Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends?

I’d rather be alone. In general XD

Do you practice what you preach?

I do my best.

What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence?

Intelligence, I have no use for a pretty empty box.

Are you hard-headed?

A lot.

Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate?

A couple of times, yeah.

When have you felt most alive?

When I almost died.

Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains?

By the lake.

Do you often skip breakfast?

I always skip breakfast.

How do you know what true love is?

You just know, it strucks you and leaves you almost dead.

Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die?

Yes, I don’t like surprises.

Where is “home” for you?

Nowhere, I don’t know what home feels like.

Do you want to be perfect?

I’d love to.

What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back?

Doing underwater photography and money, of course.

How do you express your creativity?

I draw, I carve wood and bones, I decorate hats, do sculptures, I create and edit videos and do music.

Describe your neighborhood.

A little Tuscan town.

Name something you only liked because it was popular.

Never liked popular things.

Give me the story of your life in six words.

Then she knew she fucked up.

[real-talk-recovery]

hey! i started recovery quite recently again - and hopefully for the last time. i'm feeling really hopeful and strong in this tbh, like i have a lot of conviction that i can do this, i think i'm turning my mindset from trying to be perfect at being sick to being perfect at getting better. so it should be good, right? it's just that... idk, there's this worry at the back of my head that it's too easy. that if i really do want recovery i'm a fraud and faked all those years about being sick at all

There’s a lot to unpack in this message, so I hope you’ll bear with me if this reply is a little lengthy!

First, I want to congratulate you for choosing recovery and remind you that you are making the right choice and saving your own life through doing this. Remember that throughout this process- that recovery is always the right choice and that fighting your ED is something you should feel proud of!

The truth is your conviction is correctly placed- you absolutely can recover- but the motivation you feel might falter. It’s common in recovery to feel incredibly excited, hopeful and empowered as we start making healthy choices and reaching out, but that initial “honeymoon phase” of recovery does end. The most important thing is to ensure you’re receiving professional help/treatment, and at the highest level of care you require and can receive. Trying to recover on one’s own with no support or professional guidance is not only incredibly difficult, it can be dangerous. It’s important that you have a treatment team with a doctor, therapist, and dietician who specializes in eating disorders. In addition to this, having a support system- which could be family, friends, your significant other if you have one, or support groups, either online or in person- is absolutely instrumental to recovering and remaining relapse free. 

Your treatment team will be able to determine what level of care you require, and how they can help you most in your recovery. It’s also important to be completely honest with your team and to commit fully to following their direction. Be honest about behaviors you’re using or have urges to use, be open about the feelings you’re having, and ask for help! Your recovery relies on your ability to be open to help and utilizing that help.

I can understand why shifting your mindset from being “perfect” at your eating disorder to being “perfect” at recovery feels like it would be effective. The truth is, perfectionism is a part of your eating disorder mindset- to truly recover, you need to let go of perfectionism, not just redirect it into being well. It’s kind of an oxymoron- you can’t be perfect at recovery because part of recovery is not being perfect! A more helpful approach is understanding what positive traits you possess that you can use apply towards recovery. Persistence, resourcefulness, determination, intuition, empathy, thoughtfulness, creativity- things that your ED has used against you or forced you to use for self-destruction can be reclaimed and used for recovery. Perfectionism will only keep you trapped in self-hatred, anxiety, fear, and obsession. Instead, focus on compassion and non-judgment for yourself during this process. 

Lastly, I can promise you that recovery will never be “too easy.” Recovery is an be incredibly difficult, scary, painful and challenging process. That being said, there is no standard by which your recovery is being judged- there is no threshold of difficulty you need to hit during recovery that will validate your sickness. Our EDs will always tell us we aren’t sick enough, that we’re faking our eating disorder, that we don’t require help or a higher level of care, that our recovery is too easy or that we don’t struggle enough- the disordered will never, ever feel validated while still in a place of sickness. Don’t believe the lies. If you are struggling or suffering in any way, you deserve help and you deserve recovery. Your eating disorder is unique to you, and therefore your recovery will be unique to you as well. What’s difficult for someone else or even “a lot” of people in recovery may not be at all challenging for you- that doesn’t make your disorder any less valid or your recovery any less necessary. As hard as it is, you really and truly cannot compare yourself to others. Another thing to keep in mind is that it would benefit you in no way for recovery to be any harder than it is already. You would not feel validated in regards to the legitimacy of your disorder because nothing is ever “sick enough” to an ED. You would suffer more, and struggle more, and likely have to take longer to reach a place of peace and health and happiness- is that worth it?

I also promise you that everyone who has ever been through recovery has had times where they felt guilty or ashamed or self-conscious about certain parts of recovery being “too easy”. You’re not alone- it’s simply a cognitive distortion. If you had a virus and recovered in a week, you still had that virus. You were still sick. Even if someone else took two weeks to recover from the same virus. We as people are incredibly complex, and eating disorders are incredibly complex illnesses. Your recovery is going to be unlike anyone else’s, and no part of that unique journey makes any part of your struggle less valid or important. You didn’t fake anything. Your pain is real and you deserve to heal- believe that, because it’s a truth that can carry you through many dark places. 

Sending you lots of love and support anon- I’m so proud of you, and please keep fighting!

-Mod J

[purple-possibilities]

@mreyes1994​ requested Genma for the Character Ask.  Here you go!

First impression Is that the coughing guy?  Didn’t the coughing guy die?  No it can’t be, because Ichigo* wasn’t voicing the coughing guy.  Ok, so different guy.  Seems very deep.  Kinda philosophical.  Would probably make a good mentor.  I like him. *i watched the dub, and the voice actor is the same one who voices Kurosaki Ichigo from Bleach.

Impression now Is it hot in here or is it just Genma?  Definitly a character I would have liked to see more of.  There are such subtle allusions to his shared past with other amazing characters; he was on Team Chouza with Gai and Ebisu (and why are they not shown being friends i thought people were tight with their genin teammates? PLUS GAI---HE WOULD NEVER STAND FOR THIS LACK OF FRIENDSHIP) and he was on the Yondaime’s Hokage Guard Platoon (he’s 3 years older than Kakashi, meaning he was 17 when Minato died, and therefore learned the Hiraishin as a 15/16 year old.  How is he only a Tokubestu Jounin?  Yes, he needs to be with Raido and Iwashi to do it but still that’s badass).  I feel like Kishi and SP just kind of threw Genma in there when they needed an adult somewhere, or else they wouldn’t have given him so many random qualifications.  Genma has been around, and no, I’m not talking about his sex life.

Favourite moment When Shikaku starts the mental connection with Genma to inform him that Madara was brought back to life with Edo Tensei, and Shikaku is like “I have something to tell you, and it’s super important that I convey it to you quickly, so don’t ask questions.” and Genma agrees, so Shikaku starts again, “Marada has been reanimated with Edo Tensei---” and then Genma just can’t help but interrupt.  Repeatedly.  And makes jokes.  I love it.

Idea for a story I’ve actually always wanted to write a story which gets deep into Genma’s character.  Not this playboy bs, background character nonsense.  It could have a pairing, idk, maybe with Shizune, or Ino, or maybe even an OC, idk.  Ok, it’s a romance now (I love love, ok, sue me pleasedon’tsueme).  But in the story, it’s not just about wooing or getting the pair together, it explores Genma’s past, and his relationship with the main cast, and fleshes out all these details of his life.  And we see so many other characters in it.  Raido and Iwashi feature in it a lot, of course.  I’ll make it Post Fourth War, too, and maybe Kakashi is Hokage (because I love him leave me alone).  We get to see Genma’s friendship with GAI (omg this makes me so happy to think about...look what you made me do) and also his relationship with Ebisu (you can’t tell me that Genma doesn’t tease Ebisu about being a closet pervert like, all the time. Even you must know it’s true).  We get to see them comforting Chouza after the loss of Shikaku and Inoichi (and why yes, the flashbacks to their time on team Chouza will be plentiful) and maybe even see Genma with Chouji, sharing stories about his dad and the antics they all used to get up to.

Unpopular opinion I don’t know where people got the idea that Genma is a perverted player.  The series never even shows him flirting.  So why does he have a reputation of chasing after every warm body on two legs?  Is it because he’s attractive?  Is it the senbon?  Is it the bandanna?  I don’t get it.  And I don’t see him that way.  

My initial impression of Genma was that he was a deep thinker, and I hold on to that.  Sure, he’s got the reputation of being kind of a jokester (although with words less than with actions---he’s not going around playing pranks, I can’t see that happening) but that just means he’s playful.  

Playfulness can be expressed in many different ways, and yes, flirting is one of them.  But there’s a difference between being a flirt and constantly trying to get into people’s pants.  I don’t see Genma as one of those dudes at the bar trying to get his dick wet.  I think it’s more the case of---in casual conversations---if Genma sees an opening to make a crack at someone, or flirt, or joke, then he just goes for it.  He has a smart mouth (and ass, too lol).  His personality in conjunction with his looks very well could attract all sorts of people, but I don’t think his intention for making those types of quips/flirting is to have sex with them, or even grab a date.  

That Genma has a reputation in fanon as having dated every available kunoichi and/or shinobi honesty just seems to me like an easy plot device that strips Genma of who he is.  Like, ‘I wasn’t sure what to write/I wanted to make [character] jealous, so here’s Genma conveniently popping up at a bar to hit on one half of the main love interest.’  Which would be a totally great plot device if Genma was actually interested in the character he was flirting with, and we got an actual love triangle (and all that drama) or even some OT3 action (I never say no to poly relationships lol).  That would be great.  But he’s usually just written flatly, and he becomes a device and not a person/character.  It doesn’t do him justice, and Genma deserves better.  Say it with me now:

Genma deserves better!

I also don’t understand why, although clearly receiving signalled or verbal disinterest, Genma is always feeling people up.  I sincerely doubt that Genma cannot respect boundaries.  And if he wanted to check someone out, Genma is a ninja, and a great one.  He could totally sneak a peek without the person (who was made uncomfortable by his looking) noticing.  He’s not a creep.  He does not commonly engage in sexual harassment---I actually think he would be super mindful of people’s boundaries.  I think he’s very intuitive, and maybe even highly empathetic.  Not necessarily sympathetic (although I do think he has the capacity for it), but definitely able to understand other people’s emotions, often just from body language.  

That’s not to say that I don’t think he could develop a rapport with certain people, involving constant flirting or blatantly checking the other out, featuring wolf-whistling and cheeky comments, and maybe even a touch or two (he’d be that friend who always puts his arm around your waist and gets a little close, with hands that drift a little too low).  But that’s only if he knew the other person well enough to know they’d be fine with it.  And it would be a specific type of relationship, not just his default reaction to everyone.  

The fanon reputation he has is a discredit to his character.  It makes him so one dimensional, and cheapens what would otherwise be a dynamic and interesting character.  He is connected to so many people in the shinobi world; he’s in the periphery of almost every character.  And sure, maybe Kishimoto just didn’t want to draw another jounin, so Genma, Raido, and Iwashi just pop up when convenient.  But by whatever reason, he has all these connections, and they would be so interesting to explore.  

Along with being connected to Minato (who needs his own post, or we’d be here forever) Genma’s also connected to Gai and Ebisu and Chouza, and he probably had to work with Shikaku because of being around the Hokage (and Shikaku is obviously familiar with him).

Then there’s the fact that Genma has guarded three Hokage before the end of the war, and then presumably two more after the war---the man has been with FIVE HOKAGE.  In charge of PROTECTING them.  That alone makes him so interesting, regardless of everything else.  The things he must have seen, the plots he must have listened in on, the jobs he’s probably had to do, as someone the Hokage (past and present) trust implicitly.  And he’s just a Tokubestu Jounin?  WITH THE HIRAISHIN???  I don’t believe it.  

There’s something up with Genma, and while I don’t know what it is, I want to know.  Why can’t stories focus on that side of Genma, instead of reducing him to a playboy?  

Favorite relationship This is difficult, because Genma is so sidelined that you don’t see him interact much with the other characters.  You really only see him with Raidou, and sometimes Iwashi, so they win by default.  But honestly, I’m super interested in all of Genma’s many hinted at relationships, most notably his relationship with Minato.  I wonder how he came into the position (and Raido and Iwashi, too---Iwashi being chuunin, of all things, this doesn’t make sense, why is a chuunin guarding the Hokage?).  I think that Genma is the sort of person who loves relationships.  He’s the guy who can’t be alone. He doesn’t care if you’re reading at the kitchen table while he makes dinner, so long as you hmm along every once in a while.  Although he’s also probably an amazing conversationalist.  I want to have philosophical discussions with Genma on life and love and what sorts of pumpkin dishes are basic and which are shinobi acceptable (the answer: they’re all exceptional shinobi dishes, sibi---stop eating my soup!).

Favorite headcanon I’m going to get a little inappropriate with this.  But, Genma has an oral fixation if you know what I mean, and he knows his way around more than just a senbon...

This got super long holy shit.  I have a lot to say about Genma!  If you missed it, this post inspired a fic!

Here is the ask.  Send me a character (canon or oc) or even a pairing.  Up next is Hidan, and then Adult!Obito, Rock Lee, and Ino.

Already completed: Madara, Kakashi, Shino, Tenzou, Gai

[2centsofsilver]

12/27/17 “The Mark” after Mike’s game .25mg

“I don’t believe in that stuff.” -Mom “What?” -Me “Blamig something for something else.” -Mom

(In reference to where problems stem -- i.e. Me asking my parents what types of events transpired in 2006 that led to our relationship troubles now.)

“If a person spends all their time thinking about that then they’re not living their life.” -Mom (In reference to me trying to connect the dots) ----------------------- 2am conversation with Natasha: ME: (segments from the convo): “I have learned so much about c-ptsd. This book is phenomenal. A second book came today and my mom asked if they were school books and I said yes. If I could leave tomorrow I would but I have the third book arriving Friday. But they're absolutely nuts Natasha. Like the things they say and the things that have happened being home for 5 days now. They've been so bad. And I blame myself fully for nearly everything.” Natasha’s Question: “What have you talked about with Amy regarding your role or you contributing to their bullshit? Bc I always can picture you saying things that they react to and get mad about and the things you might say are true though lol. Are these fights about similar things from your past? Things that might be triggers even more so than usual?” Me: “Idk if this is what you mean or not for your first question (?) but 1 thing I'm trying to explain to her is that I really don't blame them entirely and that I wholeheartedly (really truly though) believe I'm at equal fault for all our past and current issues because I can't keep my mouth shut and am actually a huge bitch who often initiates conflict by bringing things up or responding rudely or being sarcastic in their presence because that's what happens when I cannot stand being around them. And I am at just as much fault for all the raging fights because I'm screaming at them loud AF too, calling them names and swearing, etc etc. But she says "That's exactly what emotional abusers want victims to think is that they're at fault." But I don't think she gets it. Idk. In these books it blames the parents sooooo much. And I'm not sure that applies in my situation. Like I really truly believe I'm a terrible daughter. I just feel that I literally am at fault for all our problems because I initiate a lot of the fights. And I drag them on too. I talk back to my dad in rage and then immediately hate myself for hurting his feelings, etc. I just can't stand the idea of blaming them entirely and ‘being off the hook.’ My parents constantly think it's ‘deplorable’ (one of their fave words) that I talk negatively about them at all, that I'd even dream of blaming them for ANYTHING because ‘they're good parents’ and ‘care about us so much’ and I agree that they are and they do. Like I'm not innocent ever. I turn into such a monster during our fights. Like such a fucking bitch. I say terrible things and I hurt their feelings but it's 100% all out of defensiveness, trying to protect myself from getting hurt by what's inevitably to come.” Then in response to her saying she’s glad Mike was so supportive: “Mike was super supportive yeah! I waited till he got home the other night at like 3am and I told him and he listened and he was like ‘Idk why you thought it was such a big deal to tell me’ and he hugged me lol and he also agreed that we under no circumstance can tell mom and dad lol” Me: “Brb going downstairs for water because my dad turned off the water upstairs (such a story, holy fuck). Like literally the largest issues that happened these last 5 days were: -The FB post -The water -The cookies -Finances and just, every little thing they lose their fucking shit over is the exact reason why I cannot tell them about school. The water is a great example. And the FB post tenfold.” REGARDING my Physical Pain: “I gained like an embarrassing amount of weight since the Savannah/Max/Gabe thing. Like I have been eating atrociously. And I'm well aware of it, except I have convinced myself I gave myself diabetes because of what I'm experiencing in my body. My legs and arms are constantly prickly and going numb all day long. I get these terrifying spiky pains behind my calves which I always have feared are blood clots but idk. I get a terrible pressure pain in my hand all the way up to my shoulder that drives me insane. But worst of all, about 2 weeks ago I came down with back-breaking pain. It's in my front pelvis bone (like the tip top of my thighs), deep within both hips, in my ass, specifically the sacral area, and my low back. It's so fucking bad and it came out of no where. I believe I have gained so much weight that my lower extremeties cannot take it. I havent actually checked my weight but I'm terrified I'm at 400. I can't even believe I'm telling you this. I cant even tell myself this. It's also possible I'm no where near that number and have created this all in my head. But I'm also scared I'm diabetic because of the nerve issues and idk what to do. Amy believes in intuitive eating and I'm starting one of her programs in January. I was supposed to be in it currently but I missed a ton of sessions because of depression. She does not understand that in waiting for this intuitive health program to start, I'm actually neglecting my current weight and health issues. It's the same situation as the c-ptsd. In waiting for me to experience long-term results, we've neglected current relationship issues that I'm convinced had we addressed as they were happening, I could have mended current lost friendships in the Savannah/Max/Gabe situation. But yeah, terrified about the pain. Cannot sit still. Cannot walk without pain, can't roll over in bed. Sitting and laying down is agony as is standing and walking. I am ready to start something like 21 day fix again and get a gym membership but Amy is stressing this Hungerwise program and blah blah blah and I have no doubt it's miraculous and works. It's just. I am ready to start now with something a bit more hardcore and I'm afraid that if we keep waiting and taking a slower mindfulness approach to all this, I'm literally putting my life at stake.” ON THE BOOKS/HOCKEY GAME TONIGHT: "’Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’ I've been carrying it around in my purse all day, room to room. I also went to mike's game tonight where my parents would not sit with me, talk to me, stand with me. It made me so anxious that I asked my mom for the keys so I could leave and come back. She said no and turned her back on me. So I went over to a corner and sat on a bench alone and read the book with my highlighter but like hid the cover the entire time. Also some hockey moms there tonight who I don't remember/have never met/have no idea who they were approached me excitedly like ‘HEYYYY you're at U of M getting your Masters in Social Work!!!! How do you like Ann Arbor?!?!?!’ I just looked at this one lady and was like, ‘it's great.’ God the hockey thing was such a nightmare tonight. Everything about it. I absolutely HATE when my parents continuously walk away from me in front of people they know. Like they always walk ahead of me and away from me. Like walking into the ice arena I didn't wanna be left behind and they walked way up ahead and then my mom didn't hold the door open and just kept walking away from me while she went from parent to parent talking to everyone acting all excited to see everyone. And in watching my mother's inability to socialize/naturally interact with other hockey moms, I just couldn't stand to be there myself. Trying to partake in the circles of conversations while both my parents ignored me entirely. On the occasion a hockey mom asked me about U of M, my parents would get these huge fake ass smiles like boasting me, is that the word? And if I'd try and stand by my mom she'd just abruptly turn away. Like why did they even bring me if that's what it was gonna be? And what was I supposed to do the whole time? I had so much anxiety and felt so uncomfortable because already there were tons of people, tons of Mike's old friends. I even tried to talk to my dad like small talk and he wouldn't talk back.”