#but idk this year has been scary throughout all days of it

[beneaththeshadows]

Mother Merciless

She don't speak. You bloody bastards cut her throat too deep for that. But she remembers.

But her eyes were the most terrible thing. Her eyes saw him, and they hated.

It is a monstrous cruel thing to lose a child.

Lady stoneheart for (a super late) Halloween art trade with the amazing (and very patient as always) @acewithapencil, I picked the OG goth couple Brynden and Shiera, and she picked Lady stoneheart!

It was once again a pleasure to make art for you, and I gotta say I quite liked the result, so I decided to also do something small in watercolors and I know I'm not very well versed in it (this is literally my 7th piece ever in this medium) but I'm glad I did it, and most of all I'm glad I did it for you!!!

So anyways, I hope it looks nice and I really hope you like it!

[finelinevogue]

friends before fans

summary - you were harry’s girlfriend and now you’re just friends, but the fans still dislike you

word count: -1.5k

pairing: ex-boyfriend!harry x reader

a/n: some mentions of therapy, rehab and mental health issues. idk wtf this is but let me know if you enjoy!!!!

Being Harry Styles ex-girlfriend was hard.

Dating Harry was easy, but the aftermath of breaking up with him was devastating.

It was scary how quickly fans could turn on you. Harry has such a huge following, but you never thought you’d go through what you’ve gone through.

Times had been so tough over the past few years, after the breakup, to the point where you weren’t scared at the thought of dying.

Just because you’d broken up with Harry though, never meant that you’d fallen out of love.

The newspaper headlines were the first to attack you.

Harry is so famous that the headline made the front page. Especially when you and Harry had been crowned as the most loved celebrity couple out there.

They didn’t know the truth though.

You were called toxic. Crazy. Manipulative and psychotic.

You would just call yourself depressed.

The year 2021 had not been a good year mentally for you and it constantly felt like you were dragging Harry down with you.

“Babe, it’s time to go meet our friends.” Harry said from the other room.

You were still laying in bed, unbothered to move because you just didn’t have the mental energy.

“Babe?” Harry called after no response from you.

“Y/N? We need to go now.”

“I can’t.” You said softly, no energy to speak louder.

You could hear Harry sigh loudly. Loud enough for you to know you’d upset him, but quiet enough to know he wasn’t going to argue with you.

He just quietly left instead, leaving you in bed with nothing but dark thoughts.

You could see how miserable you were making him, because of how miserable you were yourself. It only took one conversation to change everything.

“I think I need some space.” You told Harry, just quietly on the sofa next to him.

“Space?” Harry questioned.

“I n-need… I-I…. I want to go to therapy, H. I am scared I might do something stupid a-and I feel so sad all the time.” You started to sob.

“Baby… I.. I never never knew you felt this way.” Harry brought you over to him and sat you comfortably on his lap. He was crying too, ashamed he had not seen the signs of you feeling this bad.

“For a while now. I-I’m so sorry.”

“No apologies, baby. None at all. I love you so much and I will always love you so much. Let’s just get you loving yourself first, yeah?”

Harry had helped you find a rehabilitation centre for mental recovery and you were there for at least six months.

He was constantly there for you throughout the rehab process. He never once skipped the chance to visit you on visiting days. He paid for the entire process, even though you had been strongly against that.

Harry constantly reminded you how much you are loved, especially by him.

It took a while, but you finally got to a place where you could love yourself and life again.

When you left rehab, you realised just how bad things were in the social media world.

The moment your relationship was publicly announced as over, you were turned into a villain.

You had stopped the relationship with Harry, solely because you couldn’t give him everything he deserved.

No matter, Harry waited for you. Still is.

You weren’t a celebrity. Instead, you were a good home friend of Harry’s. Your fame came from being attached to Harry.

Now your fame was for the wrong reasons.

You never cared about fame anyways, but the constant hate and abuse is tough.

Harry is still always there for you, though.

There was an endless stream of hate on Twitter towards you.

Even still 3 years on.

liked by harrystyles and 827,938 others

yourinstagram Hello, Love on Tour🧡

Comments on this post are restricted

A simple post on Instagram and everyone on social media would attack you. For being there. For existing.

Everything changed a while ago now.

Harry had texted you a couple of weeks back, out of the blue.

Your hands were slightly sweaty as you walked through backstage to find the friends and family room.

Harry had secured you special tickets for all four Wembley dates, but you could only hope yourself to attend this last one.

You hadn’t seen Harry for months, still just friends.

Or exes. Depending from which angle you’re looking at it from.

You came today because you wanted to show your support for Harry, especially after the last few years you’ve put him through.

Holding the flowers in your none shaking hand, you entered the friends and family room.

It had been very long since you’d seen everyone. You found it difficult to see Harry’s family without Harry.

Luckily, Harry was in the room.

Dressed in comfortable clothes, he was a few hours before getting ready for night 4 at Wembley.

You stood to the back of the room, out of the way, since you didn’t feel secure enough to meet anyone. You often felt like, even though Harry always vouched for you, that his family still disliked you for putting their Harry through so much heartbreak.

What no one seemed to understand, though, was that Harry would endure that heartbreak all over again if it meant you could get help and become stronger again.

When Harry’s aunty turned around she spotted you. Either she didn’t realise it was you or was just looking into the distance, but because you thought she was glaring at you it made you feel super insecure.

Twitter was already trending your name because fans had spotted you outside the venue. Everyone was begging you to stay away from Harry.

Now his aunty looked like she meant the same thing.

You left the flowers on the table, that came with a card so he’d know who they’re off, and exited the room.

As you walked down the corridor, a security guard and must be fan stopped you.

“Are you Y/N L/N?” She asked.

“Yeah?”

“Wow. You have some unbelievable nerve being here.” Her words took you aback.

“I’m sorry?”

“Yeah too fucking right.” She scoffed and walked wherever she was meant to be.

You stood in the corridor and thought over what she’d just said to you. There has been no need to be so aggressive. She didn’t know anything about you or your situation. She can’t hurt you when she doesn’t understand the truth.

You were trying to repeat everything your therapist had taught you, but it was difficult with so many thoughts running through your mind.

Temporarily squeezing your eyes, you tried to press the negative thoughts away.

“Breathe.”

Your eyes shot open to see Harry in front of you.

It was amazing how Harry always seemed to meet you at the right place and at the right time whenever you needed him. It was never that you needed anybody. You needed him.

“It’s okay. I’m here.” Harry said, bringing a hand up to cup your cheek and softly stroke your cheek.

“You’re here.” You repeated to yourself.

“You’re alright, Y/N. We’re okay.”

Harry leaned into you and pressed a kiss to your forehead softly. You smiled at the familiar feeling.

“Hi.” You smiled shyly.

“Hello, you.”

“I arrived a little bit ago, but I got overwhelmed in that room.” You explained yourself.

“It’s okay. Mum saw you and said you looked sheepish. Came here as soon as she said. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Just don’t know whether I’m supposed to be here. People know i’m here and it’s… they’re not happy. I don’t want to cause any drama and—”

“Y/N, love, you’re not. They are causing the drama. I want you here. I’m okay with you being here. I am happy you’re here. That’s all that matters.”

Harry moved to hug you and you squeeze him back just as hard. His hugs always make you feel safe. He smells as warm and comforting as he feels.

“Please don’t leave.” He whispered against your face.

“I’m not. Just need you with me for a bit.”

“I’m more than okay with that.”

During the show, Harry made a speech about you.

He was fed up with the negative press and the hate you get. It was time to say something.

“My ex-girlfriend is here tonight! She’s my favourite person. I hope you love her as much as I do. All m’songs are written about her too. I thought we’d try an oldie for tonight, so I can dedicate to my person. I hope you’ll all join in with me and sing out if you know the words. This is Sunflower.”

[frxxxncx]

teach me, please - w. junhui

»roommate!¡Wen Junhui x fem¡!reader.

»Summary: While trying to masturbate your roommate tries to give you a helping hand.

»Tags: smut (MDNI), oral (f. receiving), cunnilingus, pet names, fingering, squirting, hair pulling, no plot just porn, guided masturbation, roommates to lovers(idk)

»Words: 2.9k

Note: Any typo or incoherence that you might find was completely intentional, it’s for the sake of learning about my mistakes.

You have always thought of yourself as a reserved person, and you thought of it as something good, but right now, when you are with your legs wide open in front of your roommate, you wish you had been more open to ask your girlfriend how to finger yourself, but you lived five hours far from each other and ask her to go for a coffee just so you can interrogate her about something so private as masturbating, was out of the question.

As embarrassing as it was, in your twenty-three years of life you've never masturbated, you like to think that it's because when you were young your best friend at the time say that when she tried, it didn't feel good, and that she just ended up with her fingers covered in blood, and obviously as a fourteen-year-old, that scared the shit out of you, blood? You didn't want to bleed from there for anything other than your period.

But now you know that probably she just tore her hymen, and that's why she bled at the time. So why didn't you try to get off?, Well, you didn't know how to do it, and to ask anyone how to do it was imposible, it's not like you could come to someone, and say "hey, I don't know how to masturbate, can you teach me?".

But now you want to know how is that you ended up with Jun sitting in the armchair in front of you while you tried to masturbate.

———————————————————————— Your level of stress has been building up throughout the day, leaving your essay that was due by tomorrow for last was the worst decision you have had in years, your muscles were stiff, and your back was killing you, sitting 8 hours straight was a method of torture you were not expecting to go through. Your head was pounding but you were scared to take another pill since you took one less than two hours ago.

When you finally finished the essay and stretched your back it cracked so deliciously that a quiet and satisfied moan left your lips, but you still had an awful headache, you thought about what could help you relive the pain and you remembered something your friend told you "When my head hurts I usually masturbate, swallow the pills it's too scary", the thought of it was scandalous for you, you even hit her in the arm, and she laughed at your chicks that were bright red.

After several minutes of thinking, you gave up and decided that masturbating was the answer to all of your problems.

You didn't even bother to close the door since Jun told you that he would be late. Your shorts and panties were long forgotten on the floor of your room, your fingers trying to make you feel good in some way by getting in and out of your poor cunt, it felt weird, uncomfy and the fact that you had to spit in your hand every now and then to use it as lube exasperated you, it wasn't like what your friend told you that happened when his boyfriend finger fucked her.

Your fingers were just jamming inside of you, and frustrated by it you were about to give up when the sound of your door closing sent shivers down your body.

"Hello, Mister DJ Downstairs" the raspy yet velvety voice scared you, You weren't sure if it was a product of your imagination, but still your hand stopped working as if it was doing anything at all, and your head snapped to your bedroom door.

"J-jun, what are you doing here? You said you were coming home late" Your hand looked for something to cover up but your pillows were on the other side of the bed too far to reach them without flashing your roommate even more.

"Baby, it is fucking late already, it's like three in the morning" Jun say in a chuckle while getting closer to you.

Your legs were close shut and your arms between your thighs, you were just thankful that you didn't take off your -his- black shirt.

"By the way what are you even doing, you lost something down there?" the comment made you giggle but at the same time offended you, you were trying your best and all, just for him to make fun of you?.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm tryna masturbate here, now get the hell out" Your tone was upset, and by all means, you wished he didn't notice the hope in your voice.

"Well, darling, you look like you're trying to get something from inside there, Why are you being so harsh with your poor kitty?" He was being serious about the fact that you completely sucked at whatever you were doing and that -even though it was the truth- hurt your ego, and when you feel attacked you tend to blast out the first thing that goes through your mind.

"Jesus, Wen Junhui, if you are such an expert, why don't you help me then?" Just as the words left your mouth, you didn't even have time to think about what you just said, when he answered.

"My pleasure, but first let me help you there, you need to know how to make yourself feel good" He got his phone from his back pocket and started to type something quickly.

His face went from his phone to you, and the soft smile he gave you, warmed your heart even in the given situation.

"I'll guide you," He said, putting one hand on your knee. The tact felt so hot you thought it would burn your skin.

"Ah?" His hand left a tingling sensation on your flesh making your tummy feel weird. You saw him sit in the armchair that was located just in front of you and felt small, his long legs were wide open and his elbows were over his knees, with phone in hand.

Your arms were still in between your thighs but this time they were looking for some kind of relief.

"Have you ever had sex?" he asked while scrolling through his phone again, interested in whatever he was reading " I'm sure you haven't, tho" he whispered so low that you were very sure he was saying that to himself. 

"Jun, what the actu-"You couldn't even finish talking when he interrupted you to ask again "Have you ever had sex or not?" Behind his blank tone, you could sense he was starting to get annoyed and that sent a "funny" feeling to your cunt.

"No" You were not so close to him, but you still could see the flickering flame of lewdness that started in his eyes, and you didn't say a word about it.

"Perfect" he whispered to himself, locking his eyes in the place your hands were so desperate to hide from him.

"So what?" you were impatient and that was revealed through your tone making you feel embarrassed.

"I need you to do as I say, don't do more nor less than what I'm asking you" his voice sounded guttural, a small hint of desire making you whimper softly.

You nodded, waiting for him to start guiding you as soon as possible. "I need words, doll, say it, loud and clear." There was something about how he said that, and the way his eyes darkened while watching you open your legs again, that made you have shivers running down your spine.

"Yes, I'll do whatever you tell me to do, Teach me, please" your legs were wide open for him, you saw him but his lower lip while his eyes were locked in your cunt.

"Okey, baby, first relax, take a deep breath and lay down" his voice was soft, it was like every word slipped into your ears like honey, your nipples starting to harden.

You laid down, with your knees flexed, hands gripping your shirt tightly at the feeling of the cool air of the room brush in your cunt, you heard him move in the armchair, maybe fixing his posture, but that made you wish that he got up and touched you.

"I need you to know your body, touch your tits, fondle them, grope them, stroke your nipples, get yourself worked up before you start down in your pussy" you did as he said, you hands went under your shirt and you started to caress softly your breasts, outlining them, gently touching, massaging your nipples carefully with the palm of your hand, pinching them making your body quaver. 

"That's it, sweetie, just like that '' his honeyed voice praised and you shuddered in your place, "You're doing so good, just as I say" a subtle whine escaped your lips making the man in front of you groan.

"Lift your shirt, let me see you completely" the tone was demanding, making your toes curl, your cunt pulsating desperately.

The shirt was over your breasts, the cold air making the sensitive buds perkier, the tips of your fingers drew delicate lines over your torso, on your ribs getting closer and closer to your waist.

The heavy gaze of Jun encourages you to continue "Cup your cunt and look how wet you are now, feel how drench your pussy is" hesitantly you hand touched over your cunt, fingers pressed lightly to your entrance, palm over your hard clit.

The feeling of the sticky wetness made you look over to your friend that was watching you with a crooked smile while gripping tightly the armrest making his knuckles look extremely white, eyes glowing in lust at your sopping core.

"Press your middle finger into your entrance, but don't go inside just yet" your finger pressed lightly, your hips trembling looking for something that could relieve the sting on your clit.

"Now, stroke your clit, do it slow, make circles" as instructed your now slick finger got to the bud of nerves, the circles were small, slow, at a timid pace but it still felt good "Do it faster, baby, harder" the tempo started to speed up, not doing circles any more but rubbing harder.

"One finger, love, get one finger in" your middle finger slid from your folds getting to your entrance, and this time when your finger thrust inside a loud and embarrassing moan left your mouth.

"Fuck, you sound so pretty" Jun was having view of his life, if he could, he would burn this memory to look at it every time he wanted to whack off.

"Get another finger inside" your ring finger slipped easily making your hips stumble, "Go in and out, seek for your pleasure, make yourself feel good" your body jerked toward you hand fingers going in and out at a violent pace, a delectable burn making your gummy walls clench tightly on your fingers.

"J-Jun" your voice came out in a pornographic moan of his name, making him smile knowing what you wanted.

"What is it, doll?" he cooed watching your fingers jamming in and out, the wet noises filling the room

"Do you want something from me?" the condescending tone mask with a sweet and velvety trill, made you whine making your hand move faster, your palm colliding with you clit deliciously.

"J-jun, touch me, pleh- please, need you"you said, stuttering, the last bit of consciousness leaving your body.

The man didn't need to be asked twice, he was hovering over you, hand in each side of your head, looking into your eyes, finding a sparkle of desire mixed with excitement. His left hand stroking one of you many loose hairs behind your ear, meanwhile his unoccupied hand joined your own down your cunt.

His hand was hot, and you could feel the calloused skin over the back of your hand, making you wonder, how would it feel on your clit.

Jun stopped your hand —witch now had gotten into a sloppy pace because your fingers were starting to cramp—, and brought your whacked fingers to his mouth, he sucked the arousal in them, making you moan at the feeling of his hot tongue playing with your digits, leaving them fully "cleaned".

"So sweet" he says, getting your fingers out of his mouth, cunt pulsating and drooling with your slick even more. His voice sounded hoarse and guttural, it was evident in his tone that he wanted more, so much more.

He decided to strip you from the last piece of clothing you had, his shirt now was being used to keep both you hands over your head, he bit his lower lip looking how your body was at his disposal, your wreck expression, drunk in pleasure, desperate to release the coil that has been building up in your tummy since he set a foot in the room.

You watch him thrilled, going down on you, now feeling his hot breath against your puffy and glistened folds, awaiting for what was about to happen.

His tongue nuzzled into your hardened clit, a whiny plea escaping your lips, giving him a green flag to do as he pleased, this time sucking gently the sensitive dot making you scream.

If you knew that getting head from Jun would feel like heaven you would have tried to ask him to teach you before.

Your fingers grabbed his brunette and fluffy locks, pulling his strands of hair every time he would nimble carefully on your clit.

He was drinking from your pussy like a starved man, enjoying every bit of your arousal in his mouth. His pointer and ring fingers slipped easily inside of you, an extremely lewd sound coming out of your mouth and the pleasurable sting of his much thicker fingers inside of you made you self conscious, the coil that has been forming in your tummy about to burst, making you feel somehow "weird", it was an urge to relief that scared you.

“J-Jun, Junnie stop, wa- i need to—go t- bathroom” you said, stuttering, pulling his hair, trying to get him to stop sucking at your clit,  deed that was making you feel that way even more.  

He lifted his face, chin soaked in your juices, lips red and glossy, the view making you want a kiss, but other than that his expression was one from someone who just heard a joke.

With his unoccupied hand he wiped his mouth, and proceeded to hover over you, his right hand still jamming into you at a brutal pace, making the wet noises fill the room with your loud whimpers.

"You sure you want me to stop?" He asked while his thumb started to press and move over the perk bud.

You were amused, you just said that you were about to pee, you felt like you were about to pee, and that was extremely embarrassing, that was the last thing you wanted to do infront of him, or in this case, the last thing you wanted to do in his hand.

And like he could read your mind he said "You are not going to pee, you are about to cum" he licked his lips and watched your with a burning need "just cum for me, doll, cum all you want in my fingers"

Your stomach tightened and the coil released when his fingers curled just in the right place, that spongy and special spot. You came wetting his whole hand, squirting on your first time masturbating.

He helped you through your high making sure to not overstimulate you, it was still your first time masturbating. You were left trembling in his arms, astonished for what just happened.

"You don't know how many times I have wanked off by the thought of you coming undone in my fingers" he said breathlessly, looking at the masterpiece he just made of you, pussy coated in your own arousal and his spit, his drench fingers left your core slowly stealing a small moan from you.

"Pussy so tight, I could cum only by sticking my cock inside of you" his face was so close to you that his lips were brushing yours, his breath felt so hot it was burning you "I want to fuck you so bad, right now" the neediness in his voice made you clench around noting, you core starting to leak again.

"Why don't you teach me?" you said so low he almost didn't hear you.

"What do you want me to teach you now?" He said with a cocky smile on his pretty face.

"Teach me how to fuck"

[k0dster]

OK question, who is everyone personal favorite, well written, mentally ill character?

Bc to this day nobody has topped Lucas Baker for me. I was kind of thinking about this Re7 au I had with an old friend today and started thinking about him again. Capcom has always done such a wonderful job with writing their characters, but something about Lucas makes me think about him every once in awhile.

It's hard to explain in words but the way he was written is just so scary. Not because he's got a bunch of molded henchmen and that creepy barn, but because he's so unpredictable and yet so smart and tactical. The kids a genius and shows it all throughout the game and his DLC, but he's also probably got some form of severe schizophrenia that has clearly gone untreated for near his whole life. He's incredibly smart and resourceful though - as in most cases - is limited by his mental illness.

The whole thing was a clear episode and I almost wanna pressume it happened before the doctors visit. Though that isn't really the point, I think alot of his issues stem from Jack. Not because he's ill too, but because he doesn't take it seriously. I live in the south myself and the stigma around men and their mental health here is so awful I don't even wanna start to imagine what it would do to a kid with schizophrenia who's dad choses to ignore it. I personally think Lucas would have grown up to be alot better of a person, hell, he might not have been in the house he was so well off if Jack had taken the time to acknowledge him. From just the look of the house and the way he acts in the daughter's (?? Sorry i seriously haven't played this game in almost a year) DLC really gives me that 'man of the house' 'men don't have feelings' kinda feel. I can only assume, the only other people in their home being women, that Jack really tried to drill that mentality into Lucas and completely glanced over Marguerites worries about him.

I almost feel bad for him. He's smart, talented, "gifted" if you must, though clearly limited by who I'm guessing to be Jack. There's a whole little story in game that really stuck out to me, when you're in Lucas's old room looking through his old journal entries he writes about Marguerite taking him for what I assumed was probably an MRI or maybe a CT scan of his head showing she clearly thought something was wrong with him. In an entry pretty close to that one he talks about his friend, Oliver, who keeps messing with him so he locks him in the attic. He talks about how he could hear him banging and screaming for help for about a day before he stopped and was eventually presumed dead to Lucas after he started to be able to smell his corpse. (I actually feel as crazy as him rn I can't find it but ik somewhere there's a document talking about how bad the smell was to him. I almost wanna say he talked about something dripping from the attic too on the same page but idk maybe i made that up)

EDIT: after 18 million years I found it so I was in fact not just loosing my mind

"Untreated schizophrenia can cause severe problems that affect many areas of life. It can disrupt how the brain works, interfering with thoughts, memory, senses, and behaviors. This can lead to difficulties in daily life, such as trouble organizing thoughts and behaving in ways that increase the risk of injury or illness." Which would explain Lucas's entire character during the game- minus the mold.

Ik this isnt my usual posting and an absolute yap fest but I seriously needed to talk about him again. He's so well written it makes me wanna foam at the mouth.

[crow-unknown]

Fnaf is 10 years old!

Well almost- apparently the Into The Pit game comes out EARLY TODAY, so I'm posting it on the day it releases!

Doing a little yap session down below so if u wanna read it go ahead :)

Ive been a fan for 10 years... that's something alright, being apart of a community/franchise this long has been a roller coaster. I remember making my first friend, I got him into fnaf by coming up to him and asking 'Hey, do u know the purple guy?' And we've been friends ever since

We we're in 3rd gade mind u.

Throughout the years I made a much of fanart, sadly I do not have them anymore because I threw them away. One of the most worst decisions of my life when i did that, and I regret it deeply.

I managed to find one and I'll put it here;

My dad, whos been here with me and my obsession since day one has always been my number 1 supporter, of course he was responsible when I wanted something but it was too expensive-

But he made one exception when i got a extremely rare fnaf plushie, which was a Exotic Butters one, and i still have it to this day! Just chilling with the rest of my other fnaf plushies that i own!

I have so many fond memories in my childhood of rolplaying fnaf at recess, customizing lps to look like the animaltronics, and collecting the figures that made Springtrap, Nightmare Puppet, and Ennard when collecting the main figures.

And i have to give it all to Scott, the main man that made this amazing amazing franchise. Idk where I'd be without it tbh, because this silly scary game made me who i am today and formed what I enjoy now!

So thank you Scott Cawthan, here to many more fnaf and another 10 years if it 🎉

[localgardenweed]

Okay I did @vyo96’s HWS Japan map thingy and this is a perfect time to roughly explain my characterization of my baby girl

Now look imma admit he fucks, he can fuck and will fuck but thats a story for another day, preferably December 20th 2024 but we’ll get there when we get there. In short just give him his viagra hes still got it in him

Anyway i like to say he’s a little fucked up in the head and just so done with everything around him that he can only put on a plain face and keep trudging through till he kicks the bucket. The curse of immortality has left him a little fucked up, wondering when it’ll all be over, sometimes wishing he was just plain mortal and not stuck waiting for his country to fall apart. He loves his people but sometimes wishes he didn’t have to be a personified country and just a normal human along side them cause he feels lile he can do more for them as human since him and all the other countries are under the thumb of their governments half the time

I want to say that he wants people to think he’s more in up in the “just a little fella” section cause like he doesn’t want people to know he’s popping his pills, that’s embarrassing!! He just buries his feelings deep down so no one can see them until his friends pull up and hold him down and operate the feelings out of him.

His personality isnt that much different from his canon version but i like to think he is definitely more expressive and idk but emotional??? When he’s by himself like, in the comfort of his own home he’ll let out a big loud laugh over a meme but in public he’ll just smile and say “that was funny”. He thinks way too much about how he looks he looks in public its a problem. He actually has some wit and really sarcastic when he wants to be. He can also be really scary but he doesn’t like showing that side too much so he just kinda keeps it in the back burner.

He’s definitely very self sufficient i mean he’s had like 2000ish years to live and grow bro practically picked up everything as a hobby at least once. He’s made a schedule which he has been keeping pretty much the same throughout the years, only really changes if big like advancements are made like he used to go to the store once a month to rent VHS and had planned days to go return them all but now he just either streams it or has bought all the VHS and DVD he wanted and plays them at home.

He can be very affectionate if he wants to but feels cringe when he does it in public so mostly keeps it all in. But if he had his way he would smother his s/o in gifts and kisses and loving pets and be at their knees wondering if they need anything. Thats mostly at home though in public he just holds pinkies. With his close friends (mostly just Italy, Germany and Prussia) he opens up more a little baby bit, he actually shows some emotion and lets out more of his personality!! Oh my god!!!! He actually…shares his actual opinion/concern?!? He feels more comfortable with letting them see his real feelings and they like seeing it too cause they were getting concerned that he just nodded along to almost everything when it was smth they definitely should not have been doing.

Anyway best character deserves more respect he is the light of my life and i hold him very dear to me. I wish i could like talk about him more but trying to write this was hard as hell cause i cant always express my feelings with words im better at talking than writing. I tried to get some of my like speaking and form of talking into this but some areas could use work.

If any other hetalia japan lovers wanna speak their truth speak it and we can come together and have a meeting and talk about him

[undisputed-queer-a]

The Better Than You Bay Bay story is something special.

I'm worried that my specific sentiment may be cliched but despite these worries, I'm going to talk about masculinity in wrestling.

You see I have often heard the sentiment that wrestling portrays a exaggerated version of masculinity designed to capture the minds of a predominantly male fanbase. And this is for the most part true. The Hulkamania Era was about a statuesque American hero using his giant physique to expel foreigners and Randy Savage. The Attitude Era was about a beer swigging, ass kicking, badass beating the sh*t out of his asshole boss and those who associated him (I know it's a bit of a simplification). And throughout the years Wrestling has been a masculine thing where masculine men put their masculinity on the line to prove who was best. This isn't me admonishing wrestling, by the way, I love it and have loved it for years and it's ties to masculine ideals aren't a detriment. But it does make it cool when Wrestling stories or character challenge traditional expectations of masculinity and expressions of a male gender identity.

Now sometimes I don't know if these moments are great or that they are so rare that all appear to better than they are. For example during the early days of Cody Rhodes' 2023 feud with Brock Lesner he stated that he was scared of Brock Lesner, that anyone would be and that he was scared but he had to persevere and fight. This was cool, Brock Lesner is f*cking scary and in admitting this Cody presents (in my eyes) as a more real and relatable human person rather than what many other wrestlers present as, some almighty warriors with no fear. Which, to be clear, is fine but it's nice to see other things.

Better Than You Bay Bay is definitely great. And I appreciate Cole and MJF have done concerning masculinity. In one of their first segments as a team they went to the gym acting like toxic gym bros, max made fun of a man for being overweight and while Cole told him it was wrong he transitioned it into a dig at Tony Schiavone. In a following one Max saw some women at a bar and tried to convince Adam to stop being all lame and loyal to his girlfriend and 'bang some chicks' with him to which Cole refused. Next they had a heart-to-heart over a video game with Max opening up and Cole offering support.

Then at the World Tag Title match on Collision MJF puts himself in harm's way to save his friend ultimately costing them the tag titles because he wanted to keep Cole safe. After the match MJF breaks down and is emotionally distraught. Cole does all he can to console Max but Max feels like a failure and like he has let down the one person who, not only he cares about. But the one person who cares about him. And he nearly betrays Adam right here retreating into the scumbag persona that people expect, attacking Cole killing their friendship like it never mattered. But it does matter. It matters to the fans, to Adam Cole and it matters to MJF. So he can't bring himself to betray his friend because he cares too much about Adam Cole, because he loves Adam Cole.

The following Dynamite Max talks candidly about his disability, his mental health and his relationship with Adam Cole. The two share the ring again and Adam takes the time to compliment Max's recent growth marvelling at "the man [he] has become". The two hug to end the segment.

I don't feel I need to spend that much longer explaining this. It's nice that Cole called out Max for being a little sh*t, it's lovely that MJF was open and vulnerable, it's beautiful that the two hugged imploding because MJF caused them to lose, it's beautiful that Adam talked about the man Max is becoming and this story as a whole is special.

In conclusion, this was...um...idk a blog post I guess. But in all fairness don't give to much weight to my thoughts on masculinity, I am a trans woman and not someone who should be an authority on matters of masculinity. But I wanted to talk about it because I think this is a special story and why do I write these posts if not to talk about wresting in a poignant way.

This has been Undisputed Queer-a.

Slay The System, Shock The Cis-tem, and see you next Monday.

[meet-at-tycho]

sorryyy its late and i am filled with joy and whimsy. i love them so much, my sibling always gets annoyed with me cuz theyre all i talk about.. can you blame me? to have that vast boring nothingness shift into excitement and happiness and real true love? if you were me, youd talk about it too

its so funny cuz my life seems to move in cycles, familiar patterns that ive grown really sick of.. traumatizing and terrible, horrible bloody mess.... and then the most long drawn out boring slice of life youve ever witnessed. trauma! nothing! trauma! nothing! really tired of that.. i never thought that my nothing could be broken with joy, isnt that strange? for once, im not really hurting anymore. when i do hurt, i can handle it on my own and let go, and if its too much then i know im safe to express it

ive come such a long way, i dont tend to see myself positively, but.. its hard not to be proud. guys it turns out all you need to be happy is like. LOVE isnt that so corny isnt that so unbelievably predictable... APPARENTLY its true, i guess it feels different when yr actually experiencing it firsthand

im like on the verge of tears right now but. theres no sweeter joy than this, its so fucking BIZARRE. how did it happen this way? all the little bits and pieces that fell into place, delivered me angels and made me whole again.. cheesy, i know im being cheesy but i cant help it!! im sweet on them as often as i can be but theres still a lot of things i just.. dont have the strength to say directly. so i say them here, im sure only one of you will see this anyways. but i dont need either of you to see it, just speaking my feelings out into open air eases my mind a bit more

sometimes im like wow! theres no way this is healthy im . can i really experience true love? love that doesnt hurt? love thats REAL? as much as im tempted to deny it, im living it every day!!! i wake up and theyre both there to greet me, isnt that sweet? the first people i speak to when i wake up, the last people i say goodnight to when i go to sleep

i think i just need someone, i think im the kind of person that just.. ive been alone for a while, its OKAY its whatever, ive definitely grown used to it but. i thrive when im with them, its so? maybe all i need is someone else to keep me here.. ive got two!!!!!

maybe thats not clear enough

the way id get through that droning loneliness is escapism, nonstop daydreams and dissociation, i was barely here. only to eat and take care of my body a little bit, then its back to fantasy, because .. theres people who love me in my dreams! but.. im honestly finding it so hard to slip back into that habit now. its scary, because its whats kept me safe. hiding in fiction has kept me safe, kept me calm, happy.. but i cant shake it out of my head!!!! any time i try to fall back into those routines, the only thing i can think of is THEM.. like yeah this is great and all but.. i dont want to be trapped in my head anymore!!! theyre out there, i want to be out there..

if im honest? its terrifying. im forced to come to terms with ME as a person, who i am, something ive neglected to acknowledge for my entire life, but. im so completely wrapped up in my love for them that i hardly think about that!!!!! for once, it sorta almost feels like time is moving how it should be.. like every day that passes is different, every day that passes is SPECIAL. it hurts me to say this, but i think i love being alive? can you imagine that? how is it possible that two strangers could just.. fall into my life one day and before i even know it, im healing, im happy, im whole. MAKE ME SICKK its so foul. its almost pathetic!!! is that really all ive needed? this whole time, and i couldnt find ONE proper candidate throughout 20 years of life? its hard to really be upset about it, cuz.. ive got them now. thats all that matters

idk, i just. i think its really telling the kind of people they are, i know im only me, but.. for what its worth, theyve improved my life so drastically, i wouldve never thought id see myself happy like this. they do that for me, they do that and so much more. i love you 💞

[ssreeder]

I saw that other ask about Zuko ending up firelord in LIAB and I'd just like to add on to that my thoughts abt it in the original show- was it just me or did it feel really out of character for Iroh to try and push Zuko into a major leadership role at 16?? Like how did he possibly think that was a good idea, what with all the seriously heavy burdens that it would bring on to Zuko? Not to mention Zuko has had barely any chance to be a regular teenager for a second throughout the show, what with the 3 year banishment and then he's immediately pushed to be firelord.. Also the fact that firelord feels really unfitting for Zuko?? He's shown to not be a good leader. I feel like coming out of a 3 year banishment and awful childhood I don't think he'd want to be surrounded by constant reminders of his abusive father and not to mention be in the same role his *abusive father* was in... Sorry for the impromptu and slightly incomprehensible rant... this is still one of my biggest gripes in the show. Btw your writing is wonderful and im so excited for the next chapter of LIAB! Have a great day :D

Hiiii!! (here is another impromptu & very incomprehensible rant)

I think Zuko would have been a good fire lord if he was given the proper training & support. But I have to say I think it was completely in character for iroh to do that to Zuko…

I enjoy iroh but I think his character is EXTREMELY flawed & his way of helping zuko develop from a young angry hurt 13 year old boy could have been handled a lot better. Yeah yeah he isn’t zukos dad but he signed up to mentor and be there for Zuko so he could have mentored him a little more. (a lot more - I don’t think is was likely Zuko had any growth from 13-16 because he was pretty awful at season 1 and disrespected everyone including iroh and was in so much denial about his situation it was SCARY)

I could go on & on about iroh and his missed opportunities with zuko but I think irohs “Zuko will overcome and he is good inside” way of thinking is what prompted him to plop his teenage nephew on that throne even though he was like 3 days into his redemption (ok yeah it was maybe a month? Idk but not very long). The anger, sadness, self doubt, unhealthy coping mechanisms were all still there - but iroh is very…. ‘He’s got this I believe in him’

Even if it means zukos going to struggle and stumble over himself and work extra hard to try and be a good leader with (let’s face it) almost no healthy leadership experience. (5 minutes into being aangs fire bending trainer he is yelling at him. his idea of how to get aang to take training more seriously is to attack him - yeah let’s give him a fucking country! Yiiipeeeeeeee)

If iroh cared about Zuko he would hang up his tea uniform, take his RIGHTFUL place as fire lord and have Zuko become his crowned prince and start learning how to be fire lord while UNCLEEEEE took the initial burden of becoming fire lord right after the war. But nahhhh let’s invent boba or whatever he was fucking doing in BSS

*deep breath* sorry… I promise I LIKE iroh… I just….. DISAGREE with his methods.

Sorry about my rant anon haha

[jazstudios]

i think i might be just. actively- (whatever the present tense of derealization is) lol

starting to actually dawn on me that this is the only one life we'll (probably) have. the delusions ive been having are dying and im only left to quake at the sight of reality on the horizon and the fact i am so severely underprepared for everything lmao.

ive got the basic outlines out though, basically "work to give my family a good life" to make up for having to put up with me and my mistakes all throughout the years

basically- amount of shitty things they've had to put up with me because of me = the amount of good and joy they'll have in life which im gonna fight tooth and nail to give them. of course i aspire to give them even more yk, but this is the base minimum lmao. tho atp in time even that much is an uphill battle. lol

nothing feels real. right now. and aside from parents doing their normal fighting and one (mom lol) threatening to divorce/run away cuz she for some reason thinks dad cheated on her lmao?

dont worry, he didnt actually lol. this sounds like mad coping, but im being sincere when i say this lol

at first i thought it would actually kill me. ya know. this whole thing? not knowing if that day will the be the last straw for her? if that's the day when my family falls apart? then that thinking leads to "ohh but ur childhood is just a flowery experience that existed solely to you! the experience was entirely different for your family and they maybe dont even look back on those years as fondly as you do! your being delusional again, stop it" then it spirals from there lmao

ugh. idk how to phrase it lmao. this fight thing has been going for months, ya know. since like the start of this year. i hate it but what can ya do, when life gives u lemons? u shove the up ur eyeball🍋 yargg. yah

slight silver lining that came out of this though is that im getting a daily reminder that nothing in life is permanent, even your family! and that hey. sometimes love *isn't* enough. and that hey. vulnerability is scary. too scary. you can't ever trust someone with any of that, you'll never fully know someone. acknowledging your loved ones are their own people is acknowledging they can do as they please and that includes them leaving you. i say to myself this won't impact how i interact with love for the rest of my life, and it might not. it also, might. but eh whose to say

it's scary to think about. parents on the news always say they never could've guessed their kids are capable of let's say- murder, ya? they can never guess it. they don't know. no one does, i dont, you dont. you dont know if your tomorrow your mother will do something truly heinous that'll impact you negatively for the rest of your life. maybe, she doesn't mean for it to. maybe she had no choice. but, that doesn't really do much to change the effect it had on ur life yeah?

it's dumb. love will never be enough on it's own without action to back it up, but what if love is all you have? what if it's all you can give? what if holding out your heart to them, begging and pleading for them to not leave you, to please love you again, isn't enough? .

i dont know the answer. if you find out, hmu lmao.

but. idk even if i know this, i follow the same logic that damned me from the beginning. i do smth else that isn't what i know would be better for me in the long run.

long run plan: emotionally distance, i'll still be present, i'll still be hurt, but i wont die. at least. i think?

short term aka now: ive always been too emotional. too loose with my feelings, too easily attached. it sounds like im fucking flexing right now lmao but i swear im not trying to lmao. regard this whole bit with a "/derogatory" lol. i hate it. it's always lead me to make horrible horrible decisions, chase the wrong things, make nothing of myself.

it's hurt me so much but it's also the only comfort i have sometimes. comfort in fictional characters, they aren't real, but i love them. art, fantasy, anything else that isn't whats happening to me right now. ill probably like it.

it took me a while to realize how much of a stupid fucking cycle it is. how much of an addiction it is, essentially. but it's so hard to make the first fucking step forward. i easily imagine how i want to be and such, but again, delusions. lol

in my head. sometimes no time passes. sometimes stuff isn't real. sometimes technoblade didn't die (his always had a shit upload schedule lmao so it's easy, sometimes.). sometimes, i imagine, i can be myself but, better. what i imagine "a lover, artist" but someone you'd actually want to be around. ya know? not awkward. not distant. just, something that isn't me right now

sometimes i imagine i can stay how i picture it. happy, innocent, lovely and emotional. kind and friendly. i always liked pacifist route frisk who found a solution to everything, because of this lmao. even if it was impossible, instead of just accepting it gracefully and letting it remain memory of the past, sometimes i imagine getting ugly about it. barefist fighting against reality, fighting time. fighting the world. and sometimes, i imagine. it actually makes a difference. that it wasn't pointless

i don't know. im losing myself but i dont know if ive ever even knew who i was. was i ever anything more than failed expectations and concepts? i dont know. youd ask any of my old classmates who i am, and if they remember me, they might be able to tell you something. if you asked me, id have answer. a mistake, in all functionality of the word. not stretching, not dramatizing, quiet literally a bastard child and ive thought over it for months and i can safely say, if i was never conceived, that my family (tho they never would've been together) would be so, so happy in life

one half of me tears apart at this, they'd be so much happier right? but the other is the somber truth-ish that realizes the futility of it all. there'd be no point in killing myself tomorrow, ive already existed. ive already made marks and my death will have it's consequences. if i really want to repent for the sin of being born, then i should work myself to death for them. as an apology. (funny how they might not even stay together lmao, ah well i can just wire money to diff places ig if they move away lol) then after the last member of my direct family dies, i can just go find some random ditch and off myself lmao. i dont know. when I was like 12 i always planned to kill myself by 30 yk? death scared me, if god doesn't exist then where will my parents go? (i didn't really care about me lmao. im scared of the passage of time, but i welcome my eternal damnation with open arms lol) idk. aethiesm scared me. cause at that point (still do, mostly) i didnt believe in god per say. but then, there came the mortal issue, how to deal with death? at the time, i just thought that religion stemmed from the human fear of death. so people made up a god to comfort themself. i didn't blame them, how could you? reality hurts. it kills. i wish i could believe like they do. but i dont

eh whatever, i just dont think about it much. i cant picture a time where my parents will die. that they wont be there. i can see id probably spiral trying to cope, maybe die from alcoholism or smth else lol. but at point in time, it might sound a bit bad to say but once my first family member dies, i kind of hope the others follow soon. so i dont have to stick around either. typing this now, it makes me think, and thinking makes me want to claw my heart out of my chest but i dont have the capacity to feel much right now. it's like it's all blocked or heavily fogged up lol

it's hard. to remember other people. are real, ya know? is that weird to say? probably. time passes without you knowing it, i don't know. i have a lot i want to say but it's pretty much impossible to even pick out a string of words to start with

i don't know. ive loved people sure, but they're usually my friends lmao. im never sure if i really truly love them or if i just like the idea of them i have in my mind. ive loved in specific, for maybe like 2 years now lmao? not sure. there's the, do i actually like her enough to confess and risk our friendship? if i say no, is it because i dont actually like her or just cuz im 'shy' (lol)?

sometimes i imagine, idk that we lived close to each other or something, that i actually know who you are in real life, i imagine then id probably be able to distructure or solidify my, currently just random disconnected fluffy bits, of feelings lmao. idk. i love you, yeah i can say that with confidence

but is it romantic? what even is romantic love? isn't romantic love, just platonic love with extra steps? do i insist on it because i truly want to be actively in love with you or is it just the kind of love that will have to be satiated by knowing the subject of affection (in this case you lmao) is living a happy life? even if you did actually say yes, would i be able to meet the image of a 'healthy relationship' in my head? that takes communication, that takes work, i imagine i can do it but reality says otherwise lmao. idk. i love you enough to not want to do something that shitty to you. i want you to be happy, i want for you to be happy and secure and confident in your existence. i never want to see you where i am right now lmao, but i can't exactly stop it either way. it's a human experience i guess? and that's not even counting the "holy shit your being so parasocial and weird ew" i assure you the voice in my head abt this is plenty lmao.

but yeah. i love you. i'd send you flowers or even my heart if you wanted, i dont know if im joking but i dont know if i actually mean it, in the sense i dont know if im feeling the emotions i think i should be when saying something like that. i want my words to count for something, but how do i do that when i spend all my breathe trying to make up for my lack of action lmao.

but yeah, pretty much takeaway, i love you. now that i know you exist in the world, somewhere out there i dont know if i could go back to before i knew about you lol. i don't know if it's romantic or platonic, i don't know if i should pursue it or let it fade. but if you asked me take my last breathe then mail you my lungs, i probably would - let's half the shipping costs tho lmao. if you asked me to do something horrible and went against my entire sense of self, i also probably would. i dont know. the idea of it being for someone i love calms the possible thoughts of anxiety lmao. if you asked me to write you endless poetry, i probably would too, not saying it'd be good ofc but well, lol.

i'll be here, as long as you stick around. even if the day comes, you do move on with your life and this blog gets abandoned, ill still be here probably, just missing you a whole lot.

everything's confusing. everyday's its own battle and all it takes is one loss, lol.

ah well, i'll live my life loving you, i think ill be happy at least, having said this much

i love you a lot jaz, wholeheartedly i do

this entire ask is weird, feel free to leave out and not answer anything you want. dont even have to answer this if you want. answer and publish it, toss it into the void. anything's fine, im sorry i told you all this lol. idk, charades and distance and reality can only be stiffling for so long before i lost it and do something impulsive like send you this lmao. i'm not looking for your pity or sympathy, don't worry abt that part lol/genuine/lighthearted

i just. needed an outlet. i guess. haphazardly thrown together as this ask is. this is already more than i could've ever asked lmao, being able to speak all this out into the world, somewhere, to someone. thats all really

i love you so much jaz. take care, even if not that then please live to see tomorrow. i hope you have so, so many wonderful tomorrow's ahead of you. i love you

i settle with thinking about how our hypothetical relationship would probably all up burst in flames because of me LMAO. it's fun to think about. i love you, ill be here for you. im sorry im telling you all this

im severely aware of how unwarranted, weird, parasocial, delusional and arguably cruel this whole thing is. im pretty much objectifying you, i wish i knew you but that's another thing that's probably gotta have to stay in the "keep delusions inside till they die" room lol. im sorry. for all this.

i love you, im sorry i keep saying it lmao, it gets annoying and this whole thing is already bothersome enough as is. this whole thing isn't me trying to guilt trip you or anything btw, sincerely i apologize if it does come off that way.

i always said to myself "you can't claim to truly love someone, if your willing to let their wellbeing rely on risk." pretty much risking how negative this might impact your mind or mood, im sorry. im a hypocrite. i really do truly love you, i dont know why im telling you all this, im sorry jaz, i love you

please live a life you won't regret in the end, im sorry for asking you something like this.

thank you for existing in the same period as me, it's already a chance in a million. thanks also for having the anon option in your tumblr lmao, i probably would've never said any of this to you. im sorry i did, again, btw.

i love you sincerely, jaz. that much i can say, and i know ill have been honest with myself

i love you so so very much

Anon I'm not a very good comforter for things like these, I don't have a way with words even though my favourite subject is English. But let me just say this, anon.

You are an incredibly talented person, you are special to the people who love you, you are beautiful, you are kind, and most of all, you are a very loving person. You're probably one of the most romantic people I know, anon! I love your poetry, I love your use of words. I love the asks you send me every now and then and they make me extremely happy. You are worth it.

I love you anon. I love you in a way that my mom slices apples for me to eat, I love you in a way that my cousins play Roblox with me. I love you, even if it was platonic or romantic. I love you. Saying it won't mean that you're in love with them instantly, no! It's just- we love.

I wish I lived near you as well, wherever you may be. Or whoever you may be. It's okay if you won't reveal yourself, that's alright with me. As long as you are alive and well, as long as you take care of yourself, as long as you're safe- that's enough for me, anon. You love so much, and I consume all of the things you write to me, the things you say. Because I love them, because I love you.

Please be safe, take care, I love you, anon

[free--therapy]

Hi it's anon again!

I've sort of asked about this before I think but I've been wondering about certain things related to anxiety and stuff.

Anxiety is something everyone experiences, right? Like getting very nervous, worrying a lot over something, overthinking, panicking a bit in certain situations, etc. And from what I've learnt in the last three years, when all of those "symptoms" get too frequent or to put it simply, when they start disrupting or negatively affecting daily life, we call it a disorder, right? Like any anxiety disorder- could be gad, ocd, panic disorder, ptsd, etc. I'm not too sure though but that's my general understanding.

You know how I've mentioned about me not liking labels before? I've been wondering....suppose a person gets diagnosed with any anxiety disorder, I'm assuming, in those cases, most times, the person does have their daily life or functioning affected in a certain way, is it not?

Hmm then when can we say that person no longer has that disorder? What I mean is, a person isn't going to completely forget their thoughts or worries or triggers, right? Even in recovery, there's bound to be times where someone sees/hears something triggering which might make them worry or make them anxious for a small while. Does that mean their "disorder" never went away? Or like.....do they have their diagnosis back? Umm I don't know how to explain this properly tbh.

For example, if a person has a GAD diagnosis but then they work through it and start recovering, they learn to not react too anxiously in regards to most of their symptoms, or don't get as triggered by their symptoms....like getting worried/anxious for a few seconds to minutes but letting it go, then does that count as recovery?

And if that same person, suppose stumbles upon something too triggering which might make them have certain symptoms back for a few days, does that mean they completely relapsed and have their diagnosis back again?

I'm confused by this because most people (those who do not have anxiety disorders) still feel anxiety at a general level, right? Since it's a human thing, a normal emotion/feeling or response to a scary situation. And I'm assuming most people have certain things or topics that make them anxious and make them worry. So for those people, just because they feel anxious when it comes to certain things doesn't mean they have an anxiety disorder, does it? Because that would mean almost everyone has an anxiety disorder which isn't true I guess. So I just wanted to ask about that oh and I'm not asking for a medical or professional opinion of any sort! It's just a genuine question I wonder about sometimes.

If I have to explain my situation.... I've talked many times about how throughout second half of 2020 and more or less 2021 too, I had more anxiety issues but I was in therapy for about half a year and by the beginning of 2022, I was doing much better.

Since 2022, I've had ups and downs ofc. Like moments of worry here and there but also longer periods like the whole July of 2022 was just me worrying and being anxious and overthinking and stuff. But just that one month. After that passed, it was back to like a few small moments of worry/anxiety, at most a day or two or three. Even in 2023, the worrying came back around late June and since then until now, it's been fairly....idk how to say this.....it's been well?

Since July 2023, I've had times where I've worried a lot, or ended up overthinking way too much about really really silly stuff or even had one moment where I almost started feeling shaky from anxiety but it didn't happen because I managed myself well in that moment.

For the most part, for me, it's almost always just excessive worrying and overthinking. Most times, I'll just worry for a few minutes, sometimes it takes me like a day to get over something, sometimes it takes multiple days to a week. A major contributing factor to this is also that I'm home with really no schedule to follow because I've noticed whenever I go out, I pretty much never think about my worries.

Also in the last two months, I've really managed my thoughts well I'd say. Even if a certain "worry" thought comes up, even if it pops up in my mind more than once throughout the day, I don't dwell too much on it or even if I do, I don't do it with fear but try to do it with a curious outlook. And I try to rationalise a little (not too much because that doesn't end well), I try to simplify it and let it go.

To put it simply, I've felt pretty good mentally since 2024 started. I've had occasional worries about the same old topics I always mention to it (just lots of what ifs about my mistakes, if I deserve stuff, about ocd a panic disorder, intrusive thoughts like what ifs and about if anxiety will "ruin" my future, about apologising, if I should be moving on with my life without guilt, etc.) These are all topics that mostly I've always talked about to you so even now when a thought does pop up that makes me worry or anxious, it's almost always related to one of those topics but I can manage it well, that's what I'm saying.

Throughout 2022 and first half of 2023 and last two months, when I say I've been doing good, I mean, worrying intrusive thoughts (like what ifs) do pop up but I don't let them affect me too much, I keep my focus on my ongoing tasks and remind myself that those are just thoughts and old negative thinking patterns. Simply put, I don't let those thoughts take over my day, my week or my life. Something like that.

And I'm assuming that is more or less how someone without any anxiety disorder feels too? Like having certain old/new worries pop up, those worries might come and go throughout their day or week and they might have moments of worry and anxiety over those but they don't let it affect them or their life too much. Isn't that normal for most people?

So if my days or my experience is similar to that for weeks or months, does that mean, my anxiety is no longer "disordered" and back to normal levels more or less? I mean, the "topic" of the worry doesn't really matter, does it? Like for me, it's those topics I mentioned above, for someone else, it might be some other things that they worry about sometimes like finances, health, etc.

And if so, then if somehow it happens that in the future, I end up getting triggered enough that it sends me into an on and off overthinking spiral that lasts for a few days, then will that mean that my anxiety disorder is back? Or will it just be a normal anxiety flare and not that diagnosis which can be labelled again?

Like if you've recovered now and no longer hold that diagnosis which you initially had but still if you might get triggered by something in the future and have an anxiety spiral over it for a few days or so, does that mean you have that disorder that you were diagnosed with again? Or does that simply mean, it's just a longer than usual anxiety spiral but not that anxiety disorder that you used to have before..... something like that.

Because if someone recovers from whatever they were diagnosed with, they still might have times here and there where they think about those things they used to be anxious about, they might get a symptom or two sometimes too because it's not like we are erasing the memory by recovering, right? So any small setback or any time in the future where they have a day (or a few days) worrying or getting anxious about their worries or certain thoughts, doesn't have to mean that they never recovered or that their disorder or diagnosis is back again, does it?

And recovery doesn't mean the complete absence of worries or triggers does it? At least, I think that recovery is more of a habit of outlook of not letting the triggers affect you so much that the anxiety takes over your life again. Like it's natural to have moments of uneasiness and anxiety still about things you thought you were over but just because of that, it doesn't mean that you never recovered or that you are back to your condition again or something, right? That's what I meant....

Am I making any sense? I'm hoping my point reaches across to you because it's a bit hard to explain this.....

Also, you don't have to answer if this makes you uncomfortable in anyway! And as always, thank you for hearing me out 💖

Hey Anon,

Yes, anxiety is something everyone experiences at some point in their life, to varying degrees. It's considered a survival mechanism that we all possess. If it gets to a point where it disrupts your quality of life for longer periods of time, then yes, I'd consider it to be a disorder.

Hmm then when can we say that person no longer has that disorder? What I mean is, a person isn't going to completely forget their thoughts or worries or triggers, right? Even in recovery, there's bound to be times where someone sees/hears something triggering which might make them worry or make them anxious for a small while. Does that mean their "disorder" never went away? Or like…..do they have their diagnosis back? Umm I don't know how to explain this properly tbh.

Anxiety is something that comes in waves. If you know anything about your Autonomic Nervous System, it's made up of 2 divisions: sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and parasympathetic (rest-and-digest). We're supposed to be in rest-and-digest mode 80% of the time, while fight-or-flight should be 20%. However, someone with anxiety is likely in fight-or-flight mode 70%-100% of the time. When you're able to regulate your nervous system to the point where you're only in that fight-or-flight mode for less than probably 50%, I'd say that you've overcome that disorder. Anxiety is a survival mechanism so it'll never be 0% because our brain will never operate that way for us to be able to react to threats/danger.

As someone who used to suffer from depression, I knew I was healed when I no longer thought about killing myself or wanting to die every day. I knew how to combat the thoughts that used to take me down and win those battles, but also could sustain that. Do I still get depressing thoughts? Yes…but I know how to let them go without it bringing me down to those low places where I would beat myself up or turn to self-destructive behaviors (but it doesn't mean I havent tried doing them in the past!) Things just no longer have the same power as they used to before. That's how I knew.

And if that same person, suppose stumbles upon something too triggering which might make them have certain symptoms back for a few days, does that mean they completely relapsed and have their diagnosis back again?

Recovery is not a linear process, so I get why it's hard to grasp. Given that they learned the proper tools how to handle any triggers, then they just have to apply what they've learned before to get themselves out of this trigger too. Healing is a constant and never-ending battle. I still find myself being triggered here and there with things, but I know how to handle them and disarm them fairly quickly instead of letting it consume me entirely. As you go along in your journey, you should already be well equipped to figure out how to handle things…and even if you can't do it on your own, you should already hopefully have a support network to help give you insight into how you can handle this particular trigger this time. I've never experienced total relapse where I've gone all the way back to the bottom of the staircase. Yes, I've had setbacks, but never to the point where I felt like I should give up and resort back to my destructive and unhelpful behaviors. To me, I found that I wouldn't let myself go back there.

And I'm assuming that is more or less how someone without any anxiety disorder feels too? Like having certain old/new worries pop up, those worries might come and go throughout their day or week and they might have moments of worry and anxiety over those but they don't let it affect them or their life too much. Isn't that normal for most people?

I'm starting to find that the common misconception people feel about "those without anxiety disorders" is that they've never experienced before, but that's not true. A lot of the time, people have learned to copy with them. Just like weight training, the weights never get lighter, YOU just get stronger and are better able to lift them. The weight has never changed, but YOU have. These people (myself included) have learned the right tools to be able to deal with these worries because it's something that will never go away. Like I mentioned above, that fight-or-flight mode is a survival mechanism that will never be 0%

Like if you've recovered now and no longer hold that diagnosis which you initially had but still if you might get triggered by something in the future and have an anxiety spiral over it for a few days or so, does that mean you have that disorder that you were diagnosed with again? Or does that simply mean, it's just a longer than usual anxiety spiral but not that anxiety disorder that you used to have before….. something like that.

I think you have to be suffering with the anxiety for several months and even years for it to be considered a disorder. I think it's natural to dwell on certain triggering things for some time, but if you're able to eventually overcome it, then no, I wouldn't consider it being something you're diagnosed with again.

And recovery doesn't mean the complete absence of worries or triggers does it?

Recovery means being able to handle the worries and triggers right as they happen and not letting it consume you for long periods of time :) The weight doesn't get lighter, YOU get stronger.

[auspicious-manner]

female reader with dodge mason,

before one of the panic trials they bond over past troubles,, idk maybe they end up coupling up for the trial and it kinda spirals into a little romance from there? x

omg yes i love.

warnings: death, s*icide, car accidents

Silence

•

the start of a new school year is always scary. especially when you’re in the town of carp, where new students are a rare occurrence. it’s even more rare when a new student shows up at the beginning of junior year, and one at the beginning of senior year.

on the very first day of junior year, Y/N showed up to carp, texas. she didn’t have high expectations. hell, she never had any kind of expectations for anything anymore. her goals for her last two years of high school were to simply survive. no more, no less. her junior year went by in a blur, since she was basically considered the outcast the entire year for being the first new kid the town has seen in years.

she never made any friends that year. sure, there were a few kids she would talk to here and there during the school day, but nothing permanent. no friends, no good family in the town, just herself. and she couldn’t say if she liked it that way or not.

all throughout junior year, she was hearing whispers of the game the town calls “panic”. when the class above her was participating in the game, she immediately knew she wanted in. however, when the news of jimmy and abby broke, something in her shifted. you would think hearing the news of the death of two teenagers in town would make her shy away from the games. but, it did the exact opposite.

she couldn’t wait for the next summer to roll around. the thrill of death-defying activities gave her an adrenaline rush unlike any other, and she didn’t care about her outcome. she didn’t care enough about anything else in life to stop her from participating, regardless of if she made it out alive or not.

at the start of senior year, there happened to be another new student. when a new kid shows, everyone quickly learns the name of their new peer. and his name was dodge mason. from the very moment Y/N saw him walk through the school doors for the first time exactly a year after she did the same thing, something about dodge intrigued her. maybe it was because she saw something in him that reminded her of herself. whatever that reason may be, she wanted to make it her mission to befriend this new stranger.

dodge was just as closed off as she was, Y/N found. she would visit him at the cafe he worked at and attempt to start up a conversation, but to no avail. he kept it short and not-so-sweet with her.

it wasn’t until a month before graduation when dodge and Y/N started to grow closer.

Y/N had just walked into dodge’s cafe like she did every week, ordering what she always does: french fries and a root beer.

after she ordered, dodge looked at her, nodded, and wrote the order on his note pad, hanging it up for whoever was working in the kitchen to see. after he filled up the glass cup with root beer and slid it across the table to Y/N, he was going to go back into the kitchen when she stopped him.

“so, dodge, any plans after high school? i know around here there’s not a whole lot you can do to get out, but i’m curious. any dreams or aspirations?” Y/N asked, a smile on her face. she knew this question would annoy him, but she also knew that it was a good way to get his attention.

dodge turned around, leaning into the counter in front of her. “what is your obsession with me? ever since i got to this town, you’ve been up my ass trying to get me to talk,” he leaned in slightly closer, lowering his voice. “are you a judge for panic or something? are you scoping out the competitors?”

Y/N sarcastically laughed. “me? a judge? you do know that i’ve only been here a year longer than you have, right? there’s no way i’d be a judge.”

dodge leaned back and walked to the other side of the counter, drying some of the clean cups. “well then, the question still stands. what is your obsession with me?”

“you’re new, i’m relatively new, i’ve got no friends, you’ve got no friends. i think you can see where i’m trying to go with this.” Y/N said, taking a sip of her root beer.

dodge turned back around, rolling his eyes. “have you ever maybe considered i don’t want to have friends?”

Y/N paused. “i find that hard to believe. i’m a good people-reader, dodge, and i’ve always been able to read you. you’re a deep feeler with a hard exterior, and people like that aren’t normally okay with being secluded and isolated every day. besides, i think we’d make a great team for panic.”

dodge just looked at her, and Y/N knew that he realized she was right. dodge broke the eye contact for a second, before reverting his gaze back to hers. “and why would i be partners with you for panic?”

Y/N shrugged before saying, “we’re more alike than you’d think. i don’t know you all that well, and you don’t know me, but i think if we can fix that, we’d be unstoppable during panic.” Y/N then leaned forward over the counter, still holding eye contact with dodge. “so, what do you say?”

dodge froze, before turning around and grabbing the french fries and resting them in front of Y/N. “i think you’re a little insane. but, i admire that.” dodge showed a glimpse of a smile before walking back into the kitchen, leaving Y/N to happily eat her food, knowing that she had finally broke into dodge mason.

for the next few days, Y/N would visit dodge at the cafe, striking up bigger and better conversations with him every day. they would talk for hours and hours while dodge worked, and he always said it kept him busy. Y/N hated to admit it, because she was never good at addressing her feelings, but she was starting to like dodge. she knew he wouldn’t feel the same way though, since she practically forced a friendship between the two of them. but, at least she was getting a friendship at all after almost two years in the town.

one day, about a week after their breakthrough conversation, Y/N walked into the cafe as normal as ever, but dodge was quiet.

“hey dodge, i would have never expected to see you here.” Y/N jokingly said, getting nothing more than a quick look from dodge as he sat at one of the counter stools.

“what’s wrong? was what i said too weird?” Y/N asked.

“no, you’re fine. it’s just… it’s been rough today.” dodge answered, resting his head on his hand.

Y/N sighed, sitting next to dodge. “what happened? something at school?”

dodge paused, turning to look at her. ���you don’t have to pity me, okay? i swear, i’m fine. do you want your usual?” dodge asked, getting up and walking behind the counter.

“dodge, i’m not eating until you tell me what’s wrong. knowing you, you’re going to bottle up all these feelings until one day you explode, and it’s not going to be pretty.”

dodge glared at Y/N. “why would i tell you my problems? we don’t even know each other.” dodge answered coldly.

“well, good to know those hours of us talking meant absolutely nothing.” Y/N replied, ignoring the fact that what dodge said stung just a little.

“Y/N, thats not what i meant. it’s just, i have trouble trusting people, that’s all.” dodge answered.

Y/N sighed. “you have to start somewhere. keeping everything in isn’t going to fix anything. i’m not going to make you tell me, but i do think it would be beneficial for you if you did.”

Y/N saw a flicker of thought in his eyes, like his hard exterior was starting to crumble. when he didn’t say anything, Y/N spoke up again. “if you want to go somewhere a little more private, my place is open. my mom won’t be back for the next few days or so, so we’ll be by ourselves.”

dodge looked out across the desolate cafe, and he quickly grabbed his stuff from the back and told the kitchen worker he was leaving early.

as dodge drove, the car ride was painfully silent. Y/N decided that it would be best to save the talking for when they were back at her place, which resulted in the car ride being absolutely dead the entire way there.

pulling up to Y/N’s house, she was immediately embarrassed by the incompleteness of her home. it was small, as she didn’t come from a family that had money. it was small and run down, and it looked to be in serious need of maintenance. she tended to a small box in the front yard filled with flowers in her free time, that being the only inviting part of the outside of her house.

as they made their way in, the inside was even more underwhelming. Y/N swallowed, and looked down. “sorry about the house, i know it’s not much, but my room is this way.”

she lead him down the short hallway to the room at the very end, and she watched him scan his eyes over everything. the dark green walls, the few posters around the room, the small bed in the corner, the lone dresser sitting below a hanging mirror, and a cheap rug below their feet.

Y/N hung her head again, and dodge finally replied. “it’s perfect. it’s modest, but i like modest.”

Y/N looked up at him, and he finished the scan of the room on her. he shot her a small smile before sitting on the bed while she followed shortly after.

the next few moments were painfully silent like the car ride, before dodge broke the silence. “i ran into luke hall today.”

he paused, and Y/N just squinted. what was wrong with that?

“luke hall…as in ray hall’s brother?” Y/N asked, hoping for some clarity.

dodge nodded, turning to look at her. Y/N looked at dodge back. “did luke start trouble with you?”

dodge turned away again, nonchalantly looking at the ceiling.

he closed his eyes for a short moment, before directing his gaze at his legs. “luke hall almost killed my sister.”

Y/N’s eyes widened, and her jaw dropped slightly. before she could even think about speaking, dodge spoke first.

“he hit her with his car, and now she’s paralyzed. she’ll be stuck in a wheel chair for the rest of her life. as for luke, he walked away free and without a scratch. absolutely no punishment for what he did. and seeing luke again today brought up some painful memories for me.”

Y/N’s face softened, and dodge stood up and paced her room. “i’m sorry for dropping this all on you, we don’t even know each other and you probably don’t even care and i-”

“dodge,” Y/N interrupted. “it’s okay.” she showed him the calmest and sweetest look she could to show him she really meant it, and he sat down again and took a deep breath. “i asked to hear all of this. you’re all good.”

dodge looked at her and nodded before continuing. “seeing luke again made me realize how fucked my life has been so far. absolutely fucked. after losing my father a few years back nothing has been the same.”

Y/N’s heart dropped to her stomach, and she felt dodge’s pain. she knew it all too well. “how’d he pass?”

“he hung himself.”

that’s when Y/N’s pain slowly rose to the surface, much like dodge’s did when he saw luke.

her voice cracked as she spoke. “thank you for teling me, dodge. genuinely. you’re very brave for that.”

dodge gave her a sad smile, before turning away. “like i said though, mason, we’re more alike than you think.”

“how so?” he replied, quietly.

Y/N inhaled. “i lost my father that way too. he killed himself. we were as close as can be until about three years ago, when he couldn’t take the pain of his depression any longer.”

dodge was now attentive to her, and he shifted his body so it wasn’t just his head turning to look at her; he was now facing her completely.

“me and him were always super close. my mom and i, not so much. she was always drinking, never took much care of me. she left that up to my dad. after he died, my mom wanted a ‘fresh start’ and decided carp would be a great place. bunch of shit, if you ask me” Y/N nervously giggled, her eyes getting watery with tears.

“after we got here, she ran off and drank at the bar every night, eventually finding a new boyfriend who is a load of crap. and as of right now, she’s spending the week with him at his place. ever since we got here almost two years ago, i’ve been so closed off from the rest of the world. i don’t even remember the last time i said a word to my mom.” she kept her eyes anywhere but on dodge, resting her hands on her legs that were still hanging off the bed.

“i know i should practice what i preach to you. i’ve kept everything bottled up since my dad died. closing people out is just easier, i guess.” Y/N finished, looking at her hands in her lap as a lone tear fell onto her forearm.

just as the silence between the two was becoming unbearable once again, out of the corner of her eye she saw dodge’s hand slowly grab her own, and she could feel the apprehension in his touch. she tensed up too, not because she disliked the comfort, but because she was surprised. taking her time, Y/N gently clasped her fingers around dodge’s hand.

she finally braved to turn her head to see him, and he fully had his attention on her, body and head turned to face her. “thank you for telling me, Y/N.”

“i’m sorry for trauma dumping, i was supposed to be helping you and this turned into my pity party.” Y/N answered.

“don’t worry about it, this is what friends are for, right?” dodge said quietly, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.

“we’re friends?” Y/N asked, surprised.

“is that okay?” dodge replied, a small smile.

“yes, of course.” Y/N said, giggling. the two sat in silence for a little longer, only the silence this time wasn’t awkward. it was a peaceful quiet, like they were enjoying each other’s company.

“i’ve never told anyone that stuff. besides you now.” dodge said.

“me too. you’re the first.” Y/N answered, turning to face dodge fully on the bed like he was already doing with her, hands still locked.

“by the way, it’s a yes.” dodge mentioned happily, out of the blue.

“what do you mean?” Y/N asked, confused as to what he was on about.

“yes, i agree. we should team up for panic and split the cash prize.” dodge said, smiling.

Y/N’s smile grew too, and she couldn’t help but hug her new friend. they both laughed as they both fell back onto the bed, entangled in a hug. maybe things would be alright for the both of them after all, despite their shared pain.

[marsgod]

How about cyborg!reader, who is emotionless, slowly begins to express emotions when they fall in love with the requested character? So then cyborg!reader, who doesn't know how it feels to be in love, confesses to them like this:

"I never knew what it was like to express emotions and yet...your presence alone has changed that. Why? How come I feel an absurd amount of happiness at the sight of you? And why do I feel so warm inside when you are by my side? Everything about you is dear to me and because of that, I fear that I may lose you... How did you become so significant to me? Do you know what this emotion is...?"

(Characters for this request: Idia, Deuce)

I JUST LOVE THE CONCEPT OF AN EMOTIONLESS CYBORG FALLING IN LOVE LIKE??? Kajssjsiejs IM SORRY DONT MIND ME

TBH I’M IFFY ON THIS TROPE BUT LIKE…. The speech? the EMOTIONS?? CONFUSION AT FEELING HAPPINESS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT’S KINDA SOF KINDA SAD?? yes? please???

also I’m adding Kalim cus idk i’m thinking of him, what’re you gonna do? call the cops?

⇢ Idia, Deuce, Kalim x Cyborg! Gn! Reader

⇢Warnings; Platonic to romantic. robot/cyborg! reader, gn! reader,confessions, learning abt love

Idia Shroud

Becoming friends with Idia is a task in of itself, so meeting him through Ortho, also a cyborg and determined to get his brother to make friends, drags you to Ignihyde.

He’s careful with you at first, as much as he’s interested because of your robotic features, you’re still sentient and still have thoughts so Idia’s still.. Wary of you

Building up your friendship, Idia is quick to realize that you don’t actually feel emotion, even if you do that awkward fake smile you do that only screams “i haven’t had any emotional contact in years”

He does later realize he likes you, but buries it due to the fact that, well.. You can’t actually feel, and Idia doesn’t really want to confess first (that and the fact, yknow, YOU CAN’T FEEL LOVE)

Throughout the day, you’d seemed quieter than normal, you’d been staring at Idia with your unblinking eyes and he wouldn’t dare to guess what you were thinking about with your neutral face. All day, Idia could feel your eyes burning holes into him, and he doesn’t know whether to be scared or intrigued. At the end of the day, you two had gone to his room, per your usual routine, and you lied on his bed to think.

“You’re the only person who’d pull these emotions out from me, it hurts and.. it’s worrying.. What did you do to me?”

The day you had finally decided to pull him aside though, Idia couldn’t really compare you to anything other than a confused puppy. You sounded concerned (at least the words you used did anyways). Idia listened to your speech, your concern, tuning out everything but your words in surprise and hope.

Idia holds his breath because he’s almost sure this is a dream, and he’d hate to move wrong and wake up, but he knows he needs to answer. Dream or not.

In all honestly though, he’d hate answering this, even if he knows exactly what emotion you’re feeling, what if he’s actually wrong and one kr both of you end up resenting him..?

In the end, if he chooses to explain about what he thinks you’re feeling, you only continue to look at him but with a slightly more familiar and heartwarming twinkle in your eye

Deuce Spade

It’s not hard to be friends with Deuce, not particularly easy either, maybe he’ll come up to you to ask about your robotic nature and to ask if you actually need to eat, maybe it’ll be Ace to introduce you because Deuce was intimidated.

Deuce isn’t awkward or anything, and as much as he doesn’t understand it, he’d be super curious to know how being a cyborg works in everyday life for you, so it’s a motivation to suck up how “scary” you are

Eventually, you become a regular (dare i say frequent) part of Deuce’s life, it might’ve him a bit to realize, as a robotic being, you didn’t exactly feel anything

including love

knowing that, he wouldn’t confess due to not wanting to force you, but he still admired and loved you regardless

You were crying, although you didn’t show much reaction, the raise of your eyebrows and parting of yours lips gave away just how shocked you were.

“I-I don’t know what’s happening, to me? Anytime I’m around you- Goddamnit, what are you doing to me? I’m not meant to feel.”

Deuce, as shocked and happy as he was, didn’t know what to say. Did he comfort you? Did you want his comfort, or was he just supposed to give you an explanation for what you felt?

He didn’t know why you felt it, Deuce was glad you did and was definitely bouncing on the inside, but what was he supposed to do when you were so scared of the new feeling that was so normal to him?

Deuce is happy, he feels like crying himself because of how lucky he is, he’s happy that you did what he probably wouldn’t have had done

Kalim Al-Asim

Kalim, being ever the extrovert, was happy to meet you! He faltered at your slightly monotone exterior (and interior, apparently) but that didn’t last long as he invited you to the next party he was throwing

Kalim knows you can’t feel, but that doesn’t process in his head because he can feel, how can someone live without doing so?

You never had made sense to Kalim, but that’s what the attraction started with, curiosity and the want to understand

You’d quiet, ignoring Kalim for most the day in contemplation, and he wasn’t going to lie, he was kind of hurt and wanted to ask why you’d been talking to everyone but him.

Later, you’d finally, finally, talked to him, Kalim visibly brightened up. The look of happiness slowly faded to shock as you told and ranted to him, about him.

“How did you become so significant to me?”

You’d never know how much Kalim loved you at that moment, he’d love to here those words on repeat and nothing else. He was more excited and happy than anyone could guess, all he wanted to do was hug you.

Kalim is restless with his happiness, and cannot wait to see where this leads you in your relationship.

[amygdalae]

List some horror podcasts for us lowly followers, its the least we deserve my king

Alright these are the ones I've been listening to most recently. They're not all perfect by any means but who give a shit, we're getting frightened for fun. Watch out for like content warnings and stuff cuz they all get pretty gnarly!! listener discretion is advised!

(I'd say Spooked is the tamest one on this list as far as graphic/potentially triggering stuff goes but it's still quite. spooky)

Old Gods of Appalachia - Overall I'd recommend this one the most i think.The narrator has a really cool voice, it's set throughout Appalachia which is neat, the stories are interesting. Idk how else to describe it its like being read fucked up gruesome campfire stories in the woods

Snap Judgement Presents: Spooked - This one's from people actually describing supernatural encounters they claim to have had; idk how much i personally believe but idc it doesnt matter cuz it's good! The podcast host guy's a lotta fun too

I Am In Eskew - Very bleak and bizarre--not to be reductive but if Welcome to Night Vale was played for just straight-up surreal horror? you'd get something kinda like this. fucked up scary town where bad weird shit happens, particularly to this one very tired british guy. there's rain sounds the whole time (in fiction its always raining) so its sorta oddly soothing

SCP Archives (the one by Bloody Disgusting Podcast Network) - started this one the other day. Hadn't looked into SCP stuff in awhile but I'm liking it so far! my enjoyment varies from episode to episode and the voice acting can be a bit hammy but If you're someone who likes the whole SCP thing I say check it out (look up SCP if you have no fuckin idea what im talking about)

The Magnus Archives - (yes this one is just a tad overhyped at this point but I gotta at least mention it) I binge-listened to almost all of it last year but I prefer more anthology type stuff so I kinda lost interest as it started leaning more story-heavy. I can confidently recommend at least the first few seasons cuz it has some real good horror stories that really did fuck me up.

[circus4apsycho8]

lemon drops. | ii | ib ~ garry x reader

chapter i here.

~ two ~

Rest assured your name will be spelled correctly in my contacts :)

It’s you! I’m glad to hear it.

Idk if you’ll be free but I was going to stop by the coffee shop again today

After my classes. Thinking about talking a walk or something after

I can certainly make another stop there

A walk? Any particular trail in mind?

Not really. I’ll probably just stroll through town

I like the sound of that. What time are you done with your classes?

A smile appears on your lips as you sort the details of your next meetup with Garry out. That turned out pretty well, despite the fact you had been a little nervous to text him. In any case, you hop off of your bed, noting that it’s time for you to get ready for class.

With that thought in mind, you mindlessly proceed throughout your morning routine. After your belongings are in hand, you open the door to your room before stepping out into the hallway. As you gently pull it shut, the sound of small footsteps catches your attention.

“Morning!” your little sister greets, grinning widely as you bend down to give her a hug.

“Hey, Ib. Did you sleep well?”

“I did! Did you?”

“I slept well enough,” you reply, listening to her as the two of you start making your way downstairs.

“That’s good. I had a really weird dream.”

“Oh? Do you remember what it was about?”

“Kind of,” she answers as the two of you reach the bottom of the staircase, both turning towards the kitchen. “I just remember a scary-looking face. It was blue and had weird eyes and a creepy smile.”

“That sound scary,” you mumble, ruffling her hair a little bit. “I’m sorry you had to dream about that.”

“Thanks, but it wasn’t that bad. I just hope I don’t have to dream about it again.”

“Hopefully you won’t have to,” you say, spying your parents in the living room. “Good morning.”

They look up, both sending you a smile. “Morning girls. Sleep well?”

“I did. Ib said she had a nightmare, though.”

“Oh no! What was it about?” your mom asks, shifting her gaze to Ib.

“A creepy doll or something…it just kept staring at me.”

“Well, it can’t hurt you now,” you dad adds, smiling softly. You nod, about to say something when you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket. A glance at the screen reveals that it’s a message from Garry:

Look at what I found!!

Attached is a picture of a chunky little groundhog peacefully nibbling on a patch of grass. You giggle quietly, typing a quick response:

Oh, that’s so cute!

“What’re you giggling at?” questions your father, taking a sip from his coffee as he eyes you.

“Oh, a friend just sent me a meme,” you reply, slipping your phone back into your pocket.

“I see.”

“Well, we hope you both have a great day. Take snacks if you need them, and be careful on your way there and back!”

“We will, Mom. Love you guys!”

“We love you too. Stay safe!”

…

The day drags on as normal once you drop Ib off at her school. Every class had been filled with you impatiently checking the time every so often. With every passing minute, you grew more and more excited about your upcoming meeting with Garry.

Since you get out earlier than Ib does today, that means you can walk with Garry before you pick her up. You have about two hours before that rolls around, and Garry should be at the coffee shop by the time you arrive.

As soon as your last class ends, you gather your belongings quickly before exiting. You mentally groan when you see that the elevator already has a line of people waiting for its ascent, so you decide to take the stairs again.

Thankfully, the light spring in your step makes the descent a bit easier to bear this time around. You’re on the ground floor before you know it.

Once more, the cool breeze envelopes your skin the moment you step outside. A soft smiles lines your lips as you pull out your phone, opening your messages app:

Hey Garry! I’m on my way now, I should be there in about five minutes or so

I’ll be waiting :)

“Nice,” you mumble as you read the message, stuffing your phone back in your pocket afterwards. The walk this time around seems much shorter than it was yesterday. Not that you’re complaining, because it seems like forever since you’ve wanted to talk to someone like this.

Soon enough, you find yourself in front of the café again. You push the door open, glancing inside to find Garry sitting at the same spot, phone in hand.

“Garry!”

He turns before smiling, standing up as you make your way over to him.

“Hello there!” he greets.

“Hey,” you respond. “How are you?”

“I’m doing well, and how about yourself?”

“I’m fine, thank you.” You really like how he’s so well-mannered, and actually enunciates his words. It sends a fluttery feeling to your stomach – one that feels almost nostalgic in an odd way.

“I decided it would be better if we ordered together, since we’re walking,” he says as the two of you approach the counter.

“Oh, thank you.”

“Of course.”

With that, the two of you place your orders before waiting at the end of the counter again. The silence between the two of you is comfortable, thankfully. You’re still excited, but part of you is growing a bit nervous now.

You dart from thought to thought for a few minutes before the barista slides your drinks onto the counter, smiling at the two of you. You realize it’s the same one that served you yesterday.

“Hey guys! Good to see you again. Sorry about the mix-up yesterday.”

“That’s quite all right,” Garry replies. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it!” you add, picking up your drink. “Thank you so much!”

“You’re welcome. Have a great day, guys.”

“You too!”

With that, the two of you swiftly exit the coffee shop, prepared for the walk.

You notice Garry has gone silent, staring ahead distantly. You follow his gaze, only to see that the old art gallery is the subject of his attention.

“Ever been in there?” you question.

“I visited it once, almost a year or so ago,” he comments, frowning.

“Funny. I went around a year ago too,” you say. Could that have been where you saw him?

“Interesting. Perhaps that’s where we saw each other?”

“It could be,” you note. “Wait. My sister went too. Maybe she’d recognize you, since she was with me that day?”

“Oh, maybe!”

“You should come with me when I go to pick her up from school, then. Her memory is way better than mine.”

He laughs a little, closing his eye as he does so. It makes you wonder why he hides his other eye behind his hair. “How long do you have until then?”

“A little under two hours,” you say, stepping a little closer to Garry in order to give passing people more room to walk. The two of you are still outside of the coffee shop, studying the art gallery intently.

“Ah, plenty of time.”

“Yeah. So, which way should we go?”

“I say we begin by heading right. From there, we can just go where the wind takes us.”

“I like the sound of that,” you say as the two of you start walking.

From there, you both fall into another comfortable silence. It seems to be a bit more thoughtful this time around, but as you sip on your drink and view your surroundings, you feel your shoulders relaxing more and more. How long had it been since you just enjoyed time with a friend like this?

For the most part, it remains quiet, but the two of you exchange a bit of get-to-know-the-other questions. You’re surprised at how comfortable you feel with him. It’s…natural. Like this is how things are supposed to be. Despite this, you know there’s something you’re missing.

It takes you a second to realize that Garry has stopped, leaving you a few feet in front of him. He’s turned towards the forest encircling the town, his eye apparently having been caught.

“Garry? Is something wrong?”

“I… No, but…well, I can’t quite explain it. But I feel like…” he trails off, frowning as he steps forward. Curiosity piqued, you follow him, staying quiet when he bends down to look at something.

“This,” he states, picking the object up. You frown, going to look at it.

“A blue petal?” you wonder, frowning. “What’s that doing here? It’s fall, and there are no blue flowers over here.”

Your friend nods in agreement. “I have the strangest feeling that I should hold onto this.”

“Then keep it somewhere safe. Your gut is almost always right.”

You’re about to add something when…

“Ow!” you cry, grunting as a sharp pain emanates from your head. It’s like a headache, but way more intense.

You hear Garry saying your name before he too cries out, kneeling down as well. You clutch your skull, willing for the pain to subside, when…

A/N: Thanks for the support on this series so far! I hope you enjoyed. I hope that the next chapter will be out soon. Reblogs, likes, and comments are all highly appreciated <3333 Also, please let me know if you'd like to be tagged for updates :D

[kpop-cakepops]

okok so my idea for snuggle donation continuation:

after/during the horror movie, they fall asleep in each other’s arms. and then like the girl wakes up before him and gently caresses Wonwoo and plays with his hair blahblahblah and thinks about how much he means to her omg //head in hands//. And like Wonwoo is half-asleep so he probably thinks he’s dreaming like he has NO idea aaarrrgggggg

Idk what happens after maybe they both wake up and are unable to go back to sleep so they go on the roof to look at the stars STILL in each other’s arms and they just exist together. Maybe it could end with Wonwoo looking at her and thinking.....thoughts? (like damn i wanna kiss her so bad) But she has no idea. And so the mutual pining continues but on steroids.

I just realized that the hip-hop half of my bias line (Vernon and Wonwoo) sleeps with their mouths open while the Vocal half of my bias line (Jeonghan and DK) sleep with their mouths closed 😭 WHY IS THIS EVEN IMPORTANT?! I DONT KNOW 😭

Anyhow! Here is your request, I actually liked this a lot 🥺! Thank you for requesting and hope you enjoy!

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1,161

***

Snuggle Donation: Pact. // Jeon Wonwoox Fem!Reader

Wonwoo really is beautiful. Y/N came to that conclusion as she did one of her favorite things: watch Wonwoo sleep and play with his pitch-black locks.

"Wow... I guess you're not too bad when you're not being a little baby about everything" she whispered knowing her best friend was so deep in his sleep that he couldn't hear her.

A soft smile came to her lips as she watched his lips part cutely. Cutely? Y/N's thoughts seemed to spin that way lately, finding the things Wonwoo did cute and heartwarming. She had always felt that way about her friend, it was normal, but everything she'd always felt about her friend seemed to be exalted lately.

Y/N's mind started to go back in time, thinking of all the times Wonwoo had been there for her. When no one wanted to talk to her in middle school and kids were writing nasty things on her desk. In high school when a random pregnancy rumor was spread about the two of them. Throughout university when she had contemplated dropping out. When she was too sick to function, he was there to take care of her... in every one of those moments, Wonwoo had stuck by Y/N's side and cheered her on.

Something had been weighing on her lately too. Her mother had been pestering her about dating so she could start preparing for the future and marriage and children too. Y/N hadn't felt the need to get married or have kids, she hadn't even thought about it. She'd only ever just worried about keeping a stable job, having fun, and hanging out with Wonwoo... but Wonwoo wasn't going to be there forever... and that's how she found herself thinking about his future. He was bound to get married at some point, have a pretty wife and pretty kids... and that thought had sent her stomach on a downward spiral.

"Idiot..." she mumbled through teary eyes. "What am I supposed to do when you get married and leave me all alone... I don't know how to be me without my best friend."

Wonwoo was dazed with sleep as he heard her voice. Dreaming about Y/N wasn't anything new for him. It had happened to him since middle school, spending nearly every day with her, it was bound to happen. What he wasn't aware of was that what he was hearing and feeling wasn't a dream. His best friend was in fact playing with his hair, and telling him how much he meant to her... WHICH SHE NEVER DID UNLESS SHE WAS DRUNK.

Wonwoo stirred in his position before unwillingly opening his eyes while Y/N looked down at him with sad ones. The man blinked in confusion, "Y/N?"

The girl cleared her throat and looked back over at the TV that was now playing whatever had followed the scary movie he'd fallen asleep to. "Hey ugly" she greeted with a fake smile. "I thought you'd never wake up"

Wonwoo groaned and stretched himself out. The side of his face pressing to Y/N's tummy causing her insides to become fluff. "I was dreaming"

"Oh really? What about?" She asked peering down at her best friend's sleepy face.

He grinned up at her and reached out to ruffle her hair. "It's a secret."

Y/N rolled her eyes playfully and nudged her legs so he'd get his head off her lap. "We slept through the movie" she whined. "It's midnight now and I'm not sleepy"

"We could always go to the rooftop and have a beer," he said.

That was how they ended up on the rooftop of her apartment building. The two gazing at what little stars the big city lights allowed them to. Y/N found herself huddled up into Wonwoo's side. Lonely thoughts about Wonwoo being gone invading her mind yet again. Meanwhile, all Wonwoo could think of was how nice and warm she felt beside him and how, if he could, he'd love to stay just as they were for a very long time.

"Do you ever think about what life will be like later on?" Wonwoos deep voice reverberated.

Y/N was frozen in her spot as she heard him speak the very thoughts she was having. "You mean like... what we'll be doing in a few years?" Wonwoo nodded in response, face still lifted towards the sky. "Well, I assume we'll be working. I'll hopefully have my own business by then like I've always wanted."

"Do you think we'll get married?" He asked.

Y/N smiled at the wording he used but knew he didn't mean it that way. "Of course. We'll get married, you'll have a pretty wife and pretty kids and I'll have a husband that I... love and... kids..." that I don't even know if I want.

Wonwoo felt a sense of disappointment spread through him. He knew Y/N wouldn't answer his question the way he wanted but hearing her say that she'd be married with kids that were not his was suddenly painful to him. "What if we die alone?" He asked.

"Alone?! Not a chance," she exclaimed as she stretched her hands before her. "I'd rather marry you than die alone," She said almost tentatively. Every time Y/N said something like that it made her feel like she was dipping her toes into a pool of water, one that she was too scared to dive into.

"Should we?" asked Wonwoo catching Y/N by total surprise.

"Huh?"

"Get married, I mean. Should we get married if nothing else works out for us? Make a pact like those people in the movies?" He questioned. Wonwoo was good at hiding his true emotions, and Y/N really couldn't tell how serious he was being so she played along with a little bit of truth.

"A pact. What would the pact consist of?" She asked. "Would it involve you getting on one knee and asking for my hand in marriage?" Her tone was playful but deep inside she wished it did involve that.

"Of course! What type of man do you think I am?" he asked with a grin.

"Okay then, deal. If nothing else works out by 35 then we'll get married to each other and have 1 dog and 2 cats together" She laughed and took a sip of her beer.

Wonwoo smiled as he watched her happily sip at her beer while wrapped up in the blanket she'd taken up with her. It was so hard for him not to grab her and kiss her and just confess everything he felt for her. Yet the fear of losing her and the fear of hearing her say she didn't feel the same way about him, was far stronger than his desire to let it all be known.

"Yeah, if nothing else works out" he repeated quietly.

Guess I'll just have to make sure nothing does until then.