#but idk it's just. i have Tried to train my attention span. it will never be natural to me i always need to consciously remind myself to

[vamptastic]

the idea of being able to train and lengthen your attention span- or even having a clearly definable attention span - is so alien to me. i have never been able to sit still and pay attention to something indefinitely, unless i am hyperfocusing and unaware of anything else going on (in which case i'm still moving, just not consciously). learning how to direct that hyperfocus state productively and adapt to be able to still get things done without that state, sure, but there's this one post ive seen that's essentially 'try not having adhd so you can focus on anything fully at will' and i shrimply do not get how any of that works for people. trust me, ive tried. it's all or nothing for focus.

[oetscop]

hey! absolutely love your art and your rainer interpretation- can you talk about your headcanons lore-wise involving rainer and mike? honestly you can talk about more than just those two as well i'm very curious about your interpretations honestly.

YOOO I LOVE UR RAINER ALSO thank u.....

this will hopefully not be complete word salad. bc my brains fried already, but my views on petscop characters are esoteric and best and downright incomprehensible at worst. so idk how legible this will be JDKSHSKSBSK

uhh ill start with like. jill is significantly older than anna and lina. rainers actually fairly close in age to anna.

rainers biological dad isnt in the picture and actually went missing a few years after him and jill divorced. it runs in the family i guess. but since tom was there longer hes only ever called him dad, and both jill and him took the last name hammond when they got married. and mike was actually an accident! a welcome one tho. jill and tom were in their 40s and rainer was like 16 or so.

they were very close tho! he was very close with his immediate family. for the brief time he was in college he still lived at home despite the commute.

mike would sit and watch him work on the game all the time. he wanted him to teach him how to code (thats why he created the "petscop kids" after school program! at first anyway...) but 5-6 year olds dont exactly have the attention span for explaining how the dev kit console works. unless theyre belle i guess. but he did get into art! and considering rainers also an artist he encouraged it. mike would sometimes draw his own pets to be put in the game, but since it never went past evencare they never showed up. he did sorta base toneth on mike, and that was before he based any of the other pets on other family members.

mike went missing shortly after rainers mental health was declining. he ran away after some argument with his mom, and nobody remembers what the argument was even about. since this was after marvin hit the dog with the car, and he was beginning to experience psychosis, he immediately made the connection and believed marvin had something to do with it. the cops found it a little suspicious that rainer somehow just knew he had been struck by a car, and he was the only suspect for quite a while. tom had to vouch for him pretty hard and get him a lawyer.

as for vaguer things. the newmaker plane was started in an attempt to find out where mike wouldve run to. he was already recording movements in game, so he put all of mikes in game behaviors into a to scale version of their town, trying to train it to show him where he couldve gone. this obviously didnt work. didnt help that it was completely flat terrain and like had only their house, the marks house, the school and like a couple roads. it actually lead him to the opposite side of the town than where his body was located.

marvin is ALSO severely mentally ill and was convinced that care was lina reborn before any of this happened. obviously anna didnt believe that since shes still. yknow. alive. but rainer introduced the A/B/NLM concept to him, and they both began to believe care was just lina A reborn. pre traumatic event lina. they were both trying to see if they could somehow force something like that to occur, in an attempt to bring mike A back. when belle didnt work, they figured she was too old, so they moved to care. part of this whole "changing your past" thing involved plucking out her eyebrows (lina A had trich) and essentially trying to reenact aforementioned traumatic event. thats why marvin kidnapped her to keep her in the school. and it didnt work! just traumatized the fuck outta the kid. they never had the chance to do anything to "bring mike back" by the end of it, which lead to Bathroom Tomb Event. however, last belle heard, he was pretty certain paul was actually mike A. she tried her best to keep that from paul before they became distant.

i feel like the core of a lot of this is that i really dont believe that the rebirthing process does anything at all. with enough manipulation you may start developing false memories, sure, but its not actually working. in retrospect it makes rainers character a lot sadder. just a terrified kid trying in vain to bring his baby brother back. its not easy losing someone so young in such a horrible way without knowing who took his life.

BUT UUHHH YEAH ^}^ can you tell ive been thinking abt petscop pretty much nonstop since the end of 2022 i bet you cant

[dumbass-tumbler-cryptid]

Hi I hope you are having a great day! I really liked your last Blood Brothers au and had some questions about it. I know that you said that this spanned over several months and that Hunter did “fall in line” (Q’s words not mine) in a very short period of time. How long would you say that Spider had to be a “obedient soldier” until his breakdown at the end of part one? Because in part 2 the poor boy is absolutely traumatized and is very scared to disappoint Q. Due to his response in part 2 it had to have been several months of him being conditioned as this obedient soldier before his breakdown. when he did “fall in line” Q didn’t give him rewards like how he gave rewards to Hunter which could have also negatively impacted him or made him feel hated leading to that breakdown. Like idk Q had a tiny bit of a power trip in this au, like seriously no Christmas and he never apologizes.

Idk how to describe it other than

Hunter: “falls in line”

Q: amazing, spectacular, perfect son, here is ur stuff back

Spider: “falls in line” while also facing some serious trama

Q: bursts through his bedroom door at 4am like the Koolaid man yelling “DRILLS DRILLS DRILLS!!! No Christmas for you”

(That was my dramatic version, I know it wasn’t like that lol)

Could you please go into a tiny bit of detail about what was going through Q’s head through part one regarding this. Idk what are your opinions about that, I would love to hear them.

Also at the end of part 2 when all the recoms come to visit, how does spider react to seeing Lyle again and how would he interact with Lyle after all that?

Thank you for reading this ask, I really enjoy all of your fics and the au’s that you make. I think that it’s awesome that you take the time to answer questions and even write/expand on au that people send.

Oh my god your so sweet! Thank you so much! Your dramatic retelling was also so funny. I cackled reading that. I’m happy to clarify details on this au. 💙

Part 1 Part 2

So the time line of things. The boys were kidnapped in late August. I imagine Quaritch wouldn’t accept blatant disrespect for very long so he’d try to be nice and patient for a month or so but when the situation only gets worse that’s when he’d go military mode so around early October.

Hunter is naturally very timid, completely lacking confidence and very quick to give into authority figures. Spider rebelling and encouraging him made him more confident but as soon as Quaritch goes military mode that goes out the window. Spider won’t really rebel because he doesn’t want his brother to be punished too but Quaritch can still see the fire in his eyes something Hunter just doesn’t have. Hunter would cry a lot to himself in his room after a long day of training and physical punishments and that’s where Quaritch would come in to comfort him. After another month of this Hunter would start to break. He does love to receive attention since his adopted parents never gave him any and so his dad holding him, petting his hair and telling him everything will be okay makes him melt. And Quaritch can see the change. It’s not just obedience that he’s after. He wants his sons to love him back. The boys would never allow for that when they were fighting him.

By November Quaritch can see the change in Hunter’s eyes. That’s when he stopes being a military commander to his youngest because he knows Hunter is ready to accept him as his dad. But Spider isn’t. He does as he’s told but Quaritch can see all the hatred in his eyes. So he keeps up the military drills on Spider while also showering Hunter in affection hoping to show his oldest how much better things could be if he just gave in.

But Spider is stubborn as hell. So this all goes on from early November to late January. Roughly 3 months of daily military drills, terrible food, and watching his little brother be treated with the utmost love and care.

After his breakdown Quaritch returns all of Spider’s thing the very next morning and pretty much just tries to go back to normal. All of Spider trying and failing to adjust after his treatment, Hunter bullying him and Quaritch getting mad at him takes place through the month of February. Quaritch would realize he needed to do better by the start of March.

Fun fact I chose Spider’s birth month in my fics from navispider. Their birthday is in March and since their modern au inspired Cabin I made Spider’s birthday in March. For the day the two of us had a back and forth and chose the day from my birthday which is on the 28th.

So it took about two months for the healing process to really start. It still wouldn’t have happened over night but Spider being unconditionally loved on his birthday really made it sink in that his military treatment was over. The recoms didn’t come over until the start of summer so like late June early July giving Quaritch 4 months to keep working on Spider getting him to relax and drop the military stuff.

For my thoughts on Quaritch in all of this. I view him as a very proud person that always has to be right. I don’t think he goes into full blown narcissism even though he won’t admit that he’s wrong out loud (that would be a show of weakness and he can’t allow that) he can still admit to himself that he’s done wrong and quietly correct his behavior. A full blown narcissist wouldn’t be able to do that. So that’s where the no apologies comes from.

In terms of individual treatment like I said above Hunter is naturally timid but also he didn’t even know he was adopted until his kidnapping. He had no idea who Quaritch was or about any of the despicable things he’s done and so has way less hatred for him. And Quaritch knows that. So he knows he doesn’t have to work as hard on him.

Spider on the other hand knows all about the war. He rightfully views his father as an absolute monster. Because of this Quaritch views his son as brainwashed. “Miles jr” wouldn’t believe what his father did in the war was wrong if he hadn’t been raised by his enemy

( complete side note. I think a good chunk of the American public would view what Quaritch did on Pandora as heroic. And Quaritch would totally believe the hype and wouldn’t do any sort of introspection on what he’s done. And again he can’t admit he’s wrong thus Spider has to be brainwashed)

That’s why he’s so much harder on him. He believes he’s reprogramming his son. That he’s undoing all the mental damage that his son’s real kidnappers inflicted on him. Treating Spider with kindness only made him lash out more. By breaking Spider down Quaritch was mentally beating out all of his hostility. No hostility gives Quaritch an opening to get through to him. Get his son to drop his defenses and let Quaritch care for him.

At the end of the day Quaritch just wants the family he thinks he would have if his sons hadn’t been taken from him. And over the years of dreaming of reuniting with his sons all he imagined was having two happy boys. But that also means he has a lot of preconceived notions on what his relationship with his sons should be like. Sons should be respectful and listen to their father. They should love him simple because he’s their dad. He’s not hurting his sons by trying to achieve this, he’s righting a wrong.

As for how Spider would react when he sees Lyle again, he’d definitely be insanely uncomfortable. Even though he was drugged Spider can still remember Lyle holding up his head while Quaritch sheared his hair off and I imagine that Lyle would be a dick about it. Taunting Spider, calling him a princess, and a poor baby. Awing dramatically when the drugs make Spider cry a little. Picking up his shorn curls and dropping them over his head or bunching it all up to wear like a wig just to taunt Spider with what was taken from him. Quaritch of course was complicit in this. He actually laughed a little here and there. But months of military drills and then months of love bombing pushed that fact from Spider’s mind. Lyle though is just a bully to Spider who humiliated and degraded him. Lyle wrestled him to the ground to force him to do pushups. Lyle yelled insults at him as he and his brother ran laps. Lyle shoved bits of his delicious going away feast into their faces, taunting them like hungry dogs, just to snatch it away and eat it with relish.

So when Lyle comes up to him, all smiles and ruffles the fluffy curls that Spider’s been able to grow over the last few months the teen cringes noticeably and ducks his head. Lyle’s smile slips, “how y’a doing kid?”

“Fine.”

“Yeah? You look good. Strong. How have things been since the last time I was here.”

“Fine.” Spider is stiff as a board and staring at the ground. Quaritch sees his son from across the yard. He can’t allow his him to look that shell shocked in front of all his guest. So he excuses himself from the conversation he’s having with Prager and makes a beeline to Spider.

When he approaches he puts his arm around his boy. “Junior would you mind comin’ inside for a minute? I’d like an extra set of hands to bring out more drinks for our guest.” He doesn’t wait for a response, steering his eldest inside. When they’re alone Quaritch takes a deep breath before asking, “what’s the problem?”

“I don’t have a problem.”

Quaritch wags a finger at him, “now you know better than to lie. You’re my boy. You think I can’t tell when something is wrong.”

Spider smiles shyly. His dad seems so concerned and ready to understand him. So he admits, “I…. I just don’t want to be around uncle Lyle.”

Quaritch gives him a hard look, “oh why? Because he touched your hair,” he roughly ruffles Spider’s hair making him grimace, “because he made you do pushups? You know you needed that right?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t seem very sure of that answer.”

Spider straightens up looking his dad right in the eye, “yes sir. I needed it.”

“So you have no reason to be acting like that in front of Lyle right?”

“No sir.”

“Good. Now get back out there, smile, and show our guest some Quaritch family hospitality!”

“Yes sir.”

After that Spider is nothing but nice to Lyle even if it’s completely fake.

So those are my thoughts. Thank you so much for the question. I’ve really been enjoying expanding on this au and I’m glad you like it too 💙

[toxicgreenslime]

tried to save this ask as a draft because mobile was being fucky and not letting my keyboard type correctly but then it also didn't let me edit the fucking draft and i accidentally hit the queue button and i couldn't undo that either so i had to delete it so i'm continuing the train of thought i had in this screenshot i don't want to type all that out again

(cotd.) ADHD brain is now looking at this massive growing list and thinking "oh this is going to be time consuming how can I deliver this with no time management skills and wildly dipping attention span?" and I'm still not sure if this is the best solution but i was thinking about making a spotify playlist i can continually add to & link it on here— then on that Tumblr Post i can edit it with time accordingly with links to the polls & a list of the song titles I put on the playlist for anyone who doesn't use spotify...? & I guess I'll pin that post or something for anyone who would care to keep up with it. i don't consider myself the ultimate source of opinion this kind of thing or anything like that but idk it's just fun to do i like sharing & if i saw a similar kind of post somebody else did I would be curious. I'll pin THIS post for now; i doubt i'm going to wind up adding all the recs for the artists I've already reblogged at once but i'll try my best to keep up with doing it when i have the brain to do so. I want to start putting it together but i'm ngl i don't think i have The Spirit to do a lot of it today. then again maybe i will? genuinely i am never sure what the fuck is going to happen at any point in time with my all over the place thought process & motivation. i'm also sorry this is such a long answer without even answering the question yet but this is the blogger you've followed this is it ^ this

EDIT: okay for right now I'm just gonna put the link here I started making the playlist but as I suspected I got burnt out and I'll have to continue it later. I've decided to do two songs each. I'm going to make a separate nicer looking post for this later

[the-catboy-minyan]

uhhhhh lemme see

airports have a lot of security so heads up (I've never been to one tho)

there's no public transport on Shabbat (Friday afternoon - Saturday night) or holidays, there are a few apps to check public transport times, I use Moovit (it sucks) and Israel Railways (trains only), you can also use google maps ig.

there are security guards in front of malls and train stations, assume they're gonna ask to check your bag, but sometimes in malls they just let you in.

most traffic lights make a ticking noise as an accessibility tool for blind people (ticks slowly when the light is red, fast when it's green), it's very convenient for people with short attention span like me who can't look at the light for more than 5 seconds. there are also buttons that make an automatic voice tell you if the light is red or green (in Hebrew only iirc), but sometimes the button is to make the light go green! the buttons look different but I keep mixing them up and pressing the accessibility one. dw, the "press to switch" button is pretty rare, I've seen it only a handful of times.

I think we have a similar tip culture for restaurants like in America, except our workers are also being paid a normal wage (I'm not sure exactly how it works since I was never a waiter, but some businesses give a wage regardless of tips, and if not, the owner has to pay the waiters if the tips don't match up to a certain hourly wage, take this with a huge grain of salt). the acceptable tip is between 10-15%, 10% only being if the service was horrible, so usually people tip about 13%ish.

the country is pretty small so usually it won't wake you more than 2 hours to reach a destination, unless you're really going to the far north or south, and then I think you'd probably look at a 5-6 hour ride max? or actually if you're going from like idk Haifa to a hotel in Eilat, it could probably be longer, especially if you mess up the busses (fuck u Moovit)

I don't really know what types of laws you're asking about tbh, like social rules? some sort of laws that only exist in Israel for some reason? the way the country works? idk. I tried to think of things tourist are gonna do and what could be different in Israel from other countries, but I've never been a tourist in my life so like, 🤷

i wanna go to israel for holiday, are there any laws i should know? (trans girl, i do not pass)

I'm not an expert on Israel so my followers can answer!

[kodzuvii]

CLUB STUPID [24: yeah probably]

next [25: premarital hand holding]

PAIRING - SUNA x FEM!READER

GENRE - crack + fluff

warnings - spelling and grammar errors lol guys its 1am plz-

SYNOPSIS - Club Stupid, an anonymous podcast meant for the dumb and dumbest to send in unspoken and nonsensical thoughts about issues they face in their day to day lives and for Y/n to speak out and give her opinions and feelings. Normal feelings though, nothing romantic like how she thinks this lazy guy with questionable hair in the volleyball club is actually pretty cute.

a/n: as an executive member and proud representative of the suna simp club (jk lol idk) it is my duty, to keep my simps fed. you’re welcome. please listen to some cute wholesome shit. 

“Look at this Samu, Suna really his own breed, how does he manage to look more dead compared to how he usually looks”

“Well Tsumu, he ignored the same girl twice in the same week and also got confronted by her cousin who’s also his captain. Pretty sad if ya ask me”

The twins snickered to each other as they eyed the quiet middle blocker who stood by his locker. “Did you see his blocks today Tsumu? I was afraid I was gonna break his toothpick arms with my spikes” Osamu whispered but made it loud enough for Suna to hear. Atsumu nodded, “yeah Samu, totally lame if you ask me. Thank God Yn wasn’t watching him” he teased. “Oi,” Aran called out as he packed up his things on his back that was sitting on top of the benches inside of the boy’s change room. “Lay off of him will ya” he scolded but the pair shrugged and continued to change out of their practice clothes. 

“What’s even happening?” Akagi whispered and Riseki could only turn to him and mirror the same lost look on his face and give a clueless shrug. They both just sat back and watched the scene unfold in front of them. The twins were teasing and throwing indirect jabs and insults towards their middle blocker who looked as if he was going through an existential crisis with the dull look in his eyes. 

Suna was quiet, everyone knew that. Yet somehow in some way, everyone could feel his energy hit an all-time low. He still attended practice sure, but it was like practicing with a pole lamp. He just stood there and observed whatever was happening but even then, his mind was somewhere else. Of course, this didn’t go unnoticed by the coach who gave him an earful about the proper attitude to be having during their practices. Did he listen though? Nah. Listening to a lecture required too much effort. He was just tired and done for the day and the anxious and nervous feeling bubbling up inside of him wasn't helping either.

Suna was stupid. He knew that. His attention span outside of the court was never the biggest and his lack of energy never helped increase his intelligence. He was never the brightest in his class, and honestly, it never bothered him that he wasn’t. Everything he learned came through one ear and left the other. He retained the information for a test but simply forgot everything once it was over. He wasn’t the brightest, and it didn’t bother him not one bit.

What did bother him was his terrible habit of being oblivious towards other people’s feelings. Maybe it was due to his lack of energy or lack of interest, but he simply never put much effort into acknowledging how people felt. Yeah, he got vibes when people had on and off days, his teammates were the twins, you HAD to notice their mood swings and take necessary precautions. It just never occurred to him that more people could enter his bubble. A bubble that revolved around himself.

However, instead of someone finding a way to enter his fragile bubble without popping it, Suna willingly left his bubble when you came into the picture. It was no secret that Suna was whipped the moment his eyes laid on you. He’s been getting clowned about it ever since the twins found out and they never let a day go by without calling him a simp.

He had no clue what type of person you would be when you entered the doors of the Shiratorizawa gym. You looked sweet and bubbly, the smile you came in with never left your face unless you’d whine to your friends or roll your eyes at them. When you stepped into the room, people just naturally gravitated towards your positive energy and your good vibe. He liked that about you. Then again he still didn’t know anything about you at the time. All he knew was that you managed to attract his attention without even directly giving any to him. Every time he tried to look away and focus on whatever was happening in front of him, his eyes trailed back to you.

For a while after camp, you kept popping back in and out of his mind. It was quite ridiculous actually. He’d be taking a drink by the water fountains and he’d look over to the hallway and suddenly the first thoughts would be ‘what if I saw the redhead again?’ It never lasted long, maybe for a split second or two before he snapped himself out of it. He’d never see you again, what was he talking about? He was just being delusional.

So you could imagine the way his mind stopped functioning the night at the train station. Suna had to pinch himself 8 times when he saw you walk out of the train doors. ‘No way’ he thought. You, out of the 7 billion people in the world, was Kita’s cousin. He remembers seeing your tired face and your short stature clad in a big hoodie and loose sweatpants with your hair tied up. You were supposed to look like a mess, why did he keep thinking that you looked so pretty? This must’ve been the higher power playing a trick on him for slacking off during practice. So annoying.

Suna could keep his cool around school. You weren’t in the same classes meaning he didn’t see you at all. So you could imagine the kind of panic that crossed his mind when Kita told the team that he’d have his cousin staying in the gym. He learned later on that you started watching practices because Kita didn’t feel comfortable with you walking home. You were nice to the team, incredibly nice actually. Your easy-going nature made it easy for you to have a couple of conversations with his teammates here and there. While you were nice to Aran and Akagi, you had a little feisty attitude with the twins (mainly Atsumu) and he couldn’t help but admire how outspoken you were. You were blunt, to say the least. That was something you and Kita had in common. But he liked that about you, how you were always free to speak whatever was on your mind and keep a conversation going. 

Suna noticed early on that you rarely paid attention to their practice. He figured volleyball just wasn’t your thing and he couldn’t blame you for that. During water breaks, he’d glance up and watch you tuck back your hair and sometimes he’d catch you scratching your temple in annoyance because of some question you couldn’t answer on your homework. You never looked up, simply unphased by whatever was happening in front of you. 

Even so, he still put the smallest amount of extra effort into his practices. Jumping a bit higher and running a bit faster and spiking the ball with more force. He insisted that it was about time he would break some of his bad habits, but even the team knew that it was a sorry excuse. Truth be told, a little part of him was just hoping that if you ever looked up from your phone or your work in your lap, you’d see him and think that he looked at least a little bit cool. 

One day, on the rare occasion that he’d be listening in class, he remembers his teacher having a discussion with the class about an epiphany. 

The feeling of a sudden or striking realization that hits an individual out of nowhere.

It was late at night where Suna hit an epiphany. You were off to Miyagi, spending your weekend with your best friend and the Twins continued to bug him about his little first-year crush even though he had asked them multiple times to drop the topic. 

Suna came to the conclusion that he liked the way you made him feel. He liked the way he felt at ease when you were around him. He liked how you were so different compared to him, but it never stopped you from forming a friendship with him. You never pushed him to ever open up to you, you listened to the bare minimum he had to say and never took his lazy nature and blunt attitude to heart. He liked annoying you, the way your face would scrunch up when he’d take your bento’s the first couple times during your first initial lunch hangouts or the way you’d puff your cheeks when he comments on your height. He liked the way your eyes lit up when the smallest things caught your attention. He took notes on the songs you said you were currently listening too or the ones that reminded you about happy memories. 

Suna especially liked seeing you smile. Especially towards him. Something about it gave him the same feeling that was comparable to the way he would feel when he would see those jelly sticks on sale at the grocery store. The way you’d roll your eyes in playful annoyance when he'd come up to you and ask to bandage his fingers even though you both knew that he was capable of doing it himself. You would tease him, a playful smile gracing upon your lips, telling him that his fingers would probably break off if you weren’t there to bandage them up. Suna liked thinking that having you wrap them up made his hands feel a bit stronger with his blocks. But you didn’t need to know that.

He remembers a specific memory that lives rent-free in his mind. He was walking down the hallway, casually strolling and taking his time to get back to class after using the bathroom and he happened to notice you heaving a tired sigh as you closed the doors to your class. You looked quite frustrated, probably because it was your art class and you had been complaining days earlier about how creatively drained you were.

 Suna must’ve been looking at you for a moment too long because the moment your eyes met, he felt something tug at his chest by the way your eyes sparkled at the sight of him. Despite being under a little bit of stress, the same smile he grew to enjoy seeing made its way onto your lips and you waved to him excitedly before running up and rambling off about how much your class was pissing you off.

You two eventually got in trouble for skipping the whole period after being too caught up in your conversation. Suna thought it was worth it though.

After scrolling through his phone, listening to Atsumu’s obnoxious lovey-dovey playlist, and inevitably searching “how to know if you like or like like a girl” (there's a difference, he swears) on google. 

He came to his epiphany.

 Maybe before, when he barely knew you and you never knew him, maybe he was just infatuated with the idea of you. 

But it was different now, He liked you.

And that scared him.

It scared him how vulnerable he felt. Suna’s reserved and quiet nature gave him a hard time to open to others. Not that he really cared if he was being honest. He simply had the mindset that no one needed to know everything there was to his existence. Everyone eventually leaves anyways, what was the point?

When it sank into him that he liked you, it confused him endlessly. You never wanted to get out of his head and sooner or later he found himself doing the smallest things for you. The little black silk band was always on his wrist and if it wasn’t on his wrist, it would be tucked away in his pockets. Not to mention that he kept one in his pencil case for good measure. The bandaids inside in his backpack were sealed away in a ziplock bag just in case you ever got hurt because he knew you were a bit clumsy. He found himself keeping his eyes open for little souvenirs and trinkets that looked like something that you’d like wherever he went. 

At first, he thought that he just wanted to upgrade you from friend to best friend. Maybe this was a friendship that he had just been deprived of since his world revolved around constantly meaning to improve in volleyball. Yes, he did find comfort in the friendship he grew with you, but sooner or later he realized that he wanted more. The thoughts of holding your hand slipped into his mind and sooner or later hugging you from behind and resting his head on top yours flowed in followed by taking you back by peppering your smooth and soft cheeks with kisses. That wasn’t something that best friends did.

Kita was right about how his logic of ignoring you to suppress his feelings was stupid and that the worst things that could happen were that he’d get rejected. But he didn’t want to face the chance of him getting rejected, he’d like you for so long and he learned during his time spent away from you that he didn’t want to just stop talking to you. Suna knew himself, if he got rejected then he’d distance himself away from you and never talk to you ever again because the embarrassment would eat him up. 

He didn’t wanna lose you for that. He wasn’t ready. 

What a coward. 

He just really hoped you liked the flowers and read his note, he thought anything was better than a stupid “I’m sorry” text.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

“Hurry up, I need to lock up the gym” Kita’s voice echoed throughout the walls as he stepped into the changeroom. Suna looked up from his phone, taking one last glance at your ‘see you soon :P’ text before shutting it off and shoving it into his pockets. As everyone began to leave one-by-one and bid their goodbyes to each other and their captain. The twins however didn’t leave until they both gave Suna a teasing punch on both of his shoulders. Suna only glared at them before proceeding to make his exit as well. 

Kita stopped Suna before he could exit and the look on his face seemed rather serious. With his voice low, Kita simply said “She needs to be back by 7. If she comes home hurt in any way, I’m benching you” he said sternly and that was enough for him to feel his skin crawl under his tracksuit jacket. Suna nodded, understanding that he really wasn’t kidding and that he definitely bench him. 

Kita turned around and opened the door for them both to leave the changerooms. They walked together side-by-side and from a distance, he could see your short figure walking up to both of them. You looked different today, your hair was sitting on your shoulders and a pair of gold-rimmed glasses he was yet to see was sitting on the bridge of your nose. You were clad in your uniform with an oversized pink knit cardigan overtop. Was that a new cardigan you were wearing? He’s never seen it before either. 

Kita smiled at the sight of you skipping up to them and he watched you two exchange high fives and he gave you a brief little speech about staying late. You nodded along and Suna stood by and watched Kita ruffle your hair making you whine cutely. 

He wanted to do that.

You waved goodbye to your cousin and Kita looked at Suna and gave him a firm nod before turning back and making his way towards the gym doors. You turned back and faced Suna, your hands behind your back as you made your way towards him with a warm smile. “Hey there” you greeted and stood in front of him, looking up so you could look at him clearly. Suna couldn’t help but look at you weirdly, why were you acting as nothing happened? Shouldn’t you be upset with him? “Hi, let’s go?” god, why was he so forward. 

You hummed and shook your head, making him furrow his eyebrows in confusion, “do you not wanna go anymore? I can drop you off if you want-” You rolled your eyes, “I don’t see you for a week and you’re already trying to get rid of me?” you questioned and narrowed your eyes at him. Suna felt his heart wrench as your lips pouted. 

He shook his head, “n-no” he stuttered. Your eyes perked up and you watch his cheeks heat up (potentially from embarrassment, but you're not going to assume) and look away. 

You chuckled and grabbed his wrist and pulled him to follow behind you. What made you so bold today? Probably from the unexpected pep talk you had with Goshiki that morning.

“You don’t need him Ln-senpai! If he thinks he can just look over you and all your greatness and beauty and not acknowledge how beautiful you are and how your very presence graces this dull world then send his ass to KFC! You are a woman senpai! A beautiful woman who deserves everything. Not a value menu that has a 20% off discount!”

Did his speech make sense? Sure. You’ll take it over Tendou’s “cut his dick off if he does you dirty queen” text message sent with the confetti effect on imessage followed by a bunch of knife emojis that was honestly more threatening rather than comforting.

You pulled him out of the gym and Shin gave you a look before shaking it off and locking up the gym doors. From the corner of your eyes, you could see the twins sending winks your way before snickering and walking off. You rolled your eyes and stopped when you reached the doors of the school. 

You turned around and faced Suna who looked very lost and confused. “Let’s not go to the convenience store today, let’s go somewhere else,” you say. Suna nodded slowly, “okay? Where do you wanna go?” he asked.

Just then, you lifted up your other hand and it was only then that Suna noticed you carrying a small pink lunch tote. You let go of his wrist and tucked some strands your hair behind you ear, “we haven’t had lunch together in a week and you had a meeting today again so we couldn’t do anything today either and well..” you trailed off and looked up at him and shrugged, “I figured we could make up for lost time” you muttered. 

Suna felt his chest tighten, not only because you were absolutely adorable and it was making him lose his mind, but it almost seemed like you were the one trying to apologize to him when you didn’t do anything wrong. He did.

You frowned as you looked at how subtly his face dropped. As upset as you were, you understood that he wasn’t ready to tell you whatever he was meaning to hide. He wasn’t obligated to tell you anything and you understand that. A small smile creeping up on your lips, “let’s go eat at the park near my house. The one we walk by all the time. Saves you the trouble of worrying if you’re gonna get home on time or not” you laughed slightly.

Suna couldn’t say no to you, so here were the two of you now. Eating and sitting in front of the other with the bento’s you had prepared on the table. The park was as busy as it usually would be during the afternoon. The atmosphere felt warm as the sky was slowly settling into hues of orange with peaks of pink seeping through. Suna watched you happily eat the bento you had prepared and listened attentively as you told him about everything he missed during your week and you did the same when he talked about his. 

A part of him couldn’t help but admire how pretty you looked in front of him. Suna was lying when he told the twins that you were a 7. You were beyond a 7 and beyond whatever scale they had given him. It was a rare sight to see you with your glasses and partnered with that oversized pink cardigan? You were adorable. 

You tilted looked up from your food and stopped mid-sentence when you saw him just look at you with what seemed to be a fond look in his eyes. But you could’ve just been mistaken, maybe you need to have your prescription checked again. “Rin, what’s wrong?” you asked. At the sound of his name, Suna blinked snapped back into reality and was met with your concerned look. “W-what?” You chuckled, “you zoned out Rin, everything okay?” you asked.

Rin.

He liked the way his name rolled off your lips. 

He shook his head, “I’m fine, sorry. This is really good by the way, I didn’t think you could cook” he said as an attempt to change the subject. You rolled your eyes but you looked away. “As much as I want you to believe I’m some great chef, Granny helped me with most of it” you confessed sheepishly. 

He chuckled and poked the sausage that was cut up into a little octopus with his chopsticks, “Well, you did tell me that you burned rice once so maybe I thought too highly of you to make a full meal” he teased. You scoffed and grabbed his bento, “if you’re not gonna appreciate the chef then you don’t deserve the food” you huffed. Suna rolled his eyes and grabbed yours, “guess I’ll have to eat yours then” he said and shoved some rice into his mouth. Your jaw dropped at his actions, “Hey!”

As the day went on, you both began to feel at ease and comfortable once again with each other's presence. The harmony that flowed around between you two was coming back and was settling into its familiar rhythm. You two continued to chat as if nothing happened. Laughing at anything and everything you found remotely hilarious under the sun. Suna felt warm. He was here, with you, and everything felt okay. With both your bento’s empty and tucked neatly away into your lunch bag and the sun settling down and giving a wake-up call for the stars to come out, it was about time for Suna to bring you home.

The walk back to your place was comfortable. There was no tension in the air or any awkwardness in the atmosphere. It was simply peaceful. You were walking beside him and rambling on about something that had happened to you in class that day. It was slightly cooler and the winds were colder and he had noticed early on that you kept pulling at the ends of your cardigan at an attempt to get some more warmth from it. It would’ve just been rude for him to let you be cold, Kita would kill him if you got sick.

It took you by surprise to see Suna slipping off his volleyball jacket and shoving it into your hands. He was wearing a hoodie under it anyway, he didn’t mind. A part of him was just curious about how his jacket would fit you too and what kind of fool would you be to reject an oversized jacket? It was just extra points that happened to be from the boy that you liked.

Suna nodded along to what you were saying, but he couldn’t help the sudden urge to just grab your hand out of his system. You were walking so close to each other. Your shoulders kept brushing past and your hands were right there. 

But with the events that happened this past weekend, he didn’t wanna overstep any boundaries. He was still too cautious that he would mess up and make you upset all over again. With the thought of his actions, Suna suddenly felt a little ball of guilt eat him up. He never stopped feeling bad about what he did. Kita’s words rang through his head, he needed to learn how to communicate better and not deal with everything all on his own. Maybe he really was a coward for letting such a dumb fear eat him up.

In the midst of your talk about how much you despise your math class, you turned to look at Suna and saw how troubled he looked. He didn’t even look like he was listening anymore and seemed to be having some sort of internal battle with himself. 

You furrowed your eyebrows and grabbed his wrist to stop walking. “Rin, what’s wrong?” you asked, concern lacing the tone of your voice. You both never really brought up what had happened. Maybe you were just too caught up in having a good time but you were honestly content with the reasons he gave you. If he wasn’t ready then he wasn’t ready. 

Suna however felt like he owed you so much more than his apology that he already struggled to explain. 

Suna stared down at you for a moment, the unreadable expression on his face that only made you more confused. It was quiet for a moment, the only sound to be heard was the wind blowing by and the trees rustling.

Nothing would have prepared you for the way he turned around and pulled the arm that was holding his wrist and pulling you into his chest. His hands wrapped around your shoulders as he held you just a little bit tighter. He was a bit stiff, but you couldn’t put that against. He wasn’t the type of person to initiate things like this.

“I’m sorry”

Your body froze, something about his tone was different. It was vulnerable.

You stayed quiet, letting yourself relax slowly in his hold.

“F-fuck, I’m really sorry. I said I wasn’t good with words right? S-so I’m trying to explain now because you deserve it but I don’t even know why I did it. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset at all, I was just caught up with myself and I didn’t consider what I was doing to you. You didn’t deserve that. I like being around you and I’m sorry” He pulled away and one of his hands dropped to your waist and fiddled with the material of his jacket. You watched as his free hand dug deep into his pockets and you watched him pull something out. 

“It’s kind of pathetic if you ask me and it’s also kind of ugly but-” he grabbed one of your arms and dropped the object into the palms of your hands. Your eyes widened at the little paper craft,

It was an origami strawberry.

It was small, it fit perfectly inside on the palms of your hand. You could see that he struggled with making it. The leaves were slightly bent and the tip of the strawberry was ripping off. There were lots of creases all in the wrong places and even the seeds were drawn on. 

But it still melted your heart. 

“I read somewhere about 1000 paper cranes for a wish and well, cranes are kind of hard and I didn’t have enough paper to make 1000 and-god this is so embarrassing-” he muttered the last part but gained enough courage to look up at you and meet your eyes. Your eyes were soft and patient. “I wished that you wouldn’t hate me. Or that, this wouldn’t y’know...make everything all weird between us. I like you-or well uh- being around you at least and I-I know you joke about it all the time but please don't-” 

Suna paused when he felt you wrap your arms around his waist once again, hugging him back but just a little bit tighter. The small confession not even going through your mind because your attention was too focused on the way his words were making you melt. 

“You’re an idiot” you mumbled into his chest and hugged him a bit tighter. Your words made his stomach drop, but that feeling went away when you pulled back and looked at him with a smile. A smile that said you understood. 

“I’m never gonna force you to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me” You repeated but this time it felt different, it felt warmer. 

“I’m never gonna hate you. I know how you are Rin, you’re not good with your words and I get that. You could've sent me a text but you didn’t. You went out of your way with the flowers and even the little note and this adorable fucking strawberry is more than enough” you laughed but you could feel your eyes watering up slightly with the overwhelming amount of emotions you were feeling all at once. “You don’t need to keep apologizing to me okay? I understand. Thank you,” you smiled. Suna stared down at you. Nodding slowly and you chuckled and fell into his arms once again.

This time, he was the one who held you a bit tighter.

“This side of you is cute you know, but It’s kinda ruining your whole tsundere image you’re going for. Bet the twins would make fun of you for being this thoughtful” you whispered jokingly, making him roll his eyes and huff a quiet “shut up” in annoyance. If only you knew the pain he endured for putting up with those twins. 

You both stayed like that for a little while longer. Holding each other and fitting so perfectly in the arms of the other. If it wasn’t for your phone dinging from a text from Shin asking where you were, Suna swore he would have held you there for the whole night. 

You pulled away first and tugged his hand, “come on, Shin wants me home now so let’s get going ‘kay? Don’t want you getting benched the whole season now do we?” you grinned and walked in front of him and tugged him along. 

Somehow in some way, your fingers slipped perfectly into his.

Suna could only feel the warmth rising in his chest, his daze fixed at the sight of his hands interlocked with yours. 

“Oh and Rin” you called out, making him snap back into reality.

Suna hummed, looking right back at you.

“Tell me when you’re ready, okay?”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

“Text me when you get up in your room safe”

You turned around to him with a quizzical expression before letting out a chuckle, “I’m in front of my house Rin, I got here in one piece” you said and motioned your free hand towards yourself to prove that you were indeed, uninjured. Suna rolled his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek, “you’re clumsy remember, you might fall or something” he muttered and looked away.

You grinned and squeezed his hand, “Awe, look at you caring for me and my wellbeing. My ears might be deceiving me but it sounds like you’re in love with me” you teased and swung your hands together back and forth.

Suna huffed, his mind not properly functioning when the words fell out of his mouth.

“yeah probably”

Simultaneously, his eyes and yours widened and you both froze. 

Both you and Suna blinked at each other twice. Your eyes looked down at your hands that were still interlocked and looked up at his face that was fully drained of any colour. Your heart was beating rapidly against your chest and Suna began to question the very point of his existence.

“W-what?”

“Uh-”

“Y-you said-”

“A-ah I-”

“Oi!” you both jumped and instinctively Suna pulled you closer to him. You looked at up him briefly before turning around to see Granny waiting by the gate with an impatient but also teasing glint in her eyes. “It’s almost 7:30 Yn-chan! You almost missed bingo night! Kiss ya little friend goodnight and come in before Shin and I eat all the mochi we left for ya” she called out but you could hear the teasing tone in her voice.

“C-coming!” you yelled back. Your face was piping hot and you wanted the ground to swallow you whole from the amount of embarrassment and flusteration you were feeling at that moment. 

Granny nodded and walked back inside, and looked up at Shin who was standing with his arms crossed on the porch. Granny walked back to him with a victorious smile on her lips as she gave him a thumbs up. Granny knew what she was doing and she knew what she saw. She’s gonna call and gossip to your mother.

You gulped and took a step back and looked back at Suna. He was still frozen and his mind was racing at what just happened and he too, wanted the ground to swallow him whole. “I-I uh, I guess I gotta go?” you winced, but the tone of your voice made it sound like you were asking a question. Suna nodded, “y-yeah, goodnight I guess” he muttered as he looked away and you watched his face heat up. 

You were both so embarrassed but neither one wanted to let go of the others hand. 

Suna figured he couldn’t keep you out all night and just as he was about to let go of your hand, a sudden wave of confidence went through your veins and you just went ‘fuck it.’

You pulled his arm down towards you taking him back. His eyes widened, “what are you-” you stood slightly on your tippy-toes and kissed his cheek which made him shut up instantly. “That’s for today, thanks. goodbye.” you said frantically. 

Suna froze, too much in shock and his mind was still in the middle of trying to register what just happened and watched as you let go of his hand and covered your face furiously blushing and running off to your gate and slamming it shut.

He stared blankly at the gate door and blinked twice as an attempt to get himself back to reality. He brought his hands up to his cheeks that were on fire. His mind kept replaying the way your soft lips kissed his cheek and could feel the slightest residue of your lip gloss still on his cheek. 

Shit, you really had him wrapped around your finger. 

“Idiot” 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

a/n: BYE STOP IM SO SINGLE THIS IS SAD AND I AM DEVASTATED.

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[maki-my-beloved]

I don't think Mikey will actually die at the end of tr

Like, there is always someone to save in the future, something to change in the past. It's kind of the whole point of the manga.

At first, it was just Hina (and Naoto was colateral, I suppose). Then it was Akkun. And as he spent more time in the past, Takemichi met many new people and made new friends and they were added to the list. He ended up wanting to save everyone (and he's awesome for that, let's not even get talking about how he actually manages to pull through it by will alone)

And many people have died. Takemichi did know about some of their deaths and tried to prevent them, he did his best. But it was not enough. He didn't really know most of them that well and the information he had on their deaths was not enough for him to successfully save them.

After many tries and several traumatic events, he manages to ensure a good future for everyone but one person. We know Takemichi does not give up and of course he goes back to save his friend. I think what really makes the difference here is that Mikey wants to be saved. He wouldn't have been able to travel back if that hadn't been the case.

Mikey is a complex character. I believe there is a tiny bit more about his story that we have yet to find out. He is incredibly strong and also very traumatized. He recognizes his "dark impulses" early on in his life and kind of asks Takemichi for help. He depended a lot on his family and friends to keep him in line, in a way. And then many of them die (in circumstances that he probably blames himself for, even if it is most certainly not his fault) and he finds out that if he keeps the remaining people around, everyone he loves will suffer for staying with him and decides to cut himself off. (And these dark impulses are something he just. Accepts. Embraces. He doesn't fight them, which I think is the reason why this future Mikey is able to shoot Takemichi, while Manila Mikey isn't. Even after killing all of his other friends, he doesn't even take the safety thingy off his gun*)

*Very eloquent description of how guns work, I know

So, why is Mikey different from any of the other characters that died?

Shinchiro: his death happened before 2005 so Takemichi couldn't have tried to save him

Baji: This is the first character Takemichi tries to save. He fails, unfortunately. At the time, he was only working with Naoto, he was alone with his mission in the past. And the information he possessed was not enough for him to successfully stop this death.

*He was able to stop Kazutora's death by talking with Mikey since he had a little bit more detail about his death. He was also able to stop Taiju's death because he had someone to help him in the past (Chifuyu)

Emma: He is unable to save her because he only realizes that he never knew about her future when it's too late. Lack of information

Izana: He knew very little of him and had no information from the future. Takemichi was also distracted from him by other pressing matters like Emma's death and Kisaki.

Kisaki: Also unaware of it. He was planning on killing him anyways (whether he would have actually done it or not, we will never know)

(I think those were all the deceased, please let me know if there are more)

Back to Mikey

He is the reason Toman exists. The leader that goes bad and creates an empire of chaos and despair. Without him, Kisaki wouldn't have been able to kill Hina and make Akkun push Takemichi in front of a train. There would be no story. He also has an unique past, that connects everyone. And his actions and decisions influence the future of all the characters in the story.

We usually forget, but these are all incredibly traumatized children. And Mikey being able to accept help and fight these "dark impulses", getting him a happy ending (as happy as it can be with so many people he loved dead, of course) would be a beautiful way to finish his story (maybe I'm too hopeful, but I want them to be happy).

The whole story seems to have been leading us here (I love that Wakui's writing is so consistent, it seems he planed it all out beforehand).

It's different because Takemichi's relationship with Mikey is different. They are close friends. They trust each other and Mikey knows about the time travelling. And he wants to be saved. He just lost faith in it being possible after hearing about the possible futures and what he would have done in those. He doomed himself by believing he had already lost. Here is when Takemichi comes in. And hopefully, everyone else will follow. This is not something that can be immediately fixed. It's a long process he is going to have to go through. And he will need help and support. (I'm talking about Mikey here, but if you think about it, Takemichi will need it as well)

I think the whole story has been going in the "save Mikey" direction all along. Please Wakui don't kill him it will make me sad

This manga is kind of dark. It does not shy away from ugly themes. But I'm not sure the end is going to be tragic. It might be bitter sweet.

Of course I could be wrong and Mikey could die. Takemichi could die. Maybe both of them. Or any of their friends, as colateral damage, as a way of showing actions have consequences and going back to the past was not a good decision but not necessarily a bad one either. Idk, tr deals with a lot of gray areas.

There is a possibility that they might somehow save other characters like Baji or Emma. I don't think this one is as likely but I would truly love to see it.

Here is a Mikey pic to make up for this long post that might not make sense:

I'm so sorry this is so messy and disorganized but I do not have the attention span to revise it more than once. Just wanted to get this off my mind and see if someone has anything to say

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[goldencuffs]

ok idk if this has been done before but hear me out. call me by your name au with elio!laurent and hot older oliver!damen 🤤 (happy ending tho bc i’m not a masochist) all this talk of older damen being hot as all hell got me THINKING

!!!!!!!! idek if this is ask is meant for me but as someone who genuinely loves the movie (not so much the book lol) i can get on board with this!!

also......on a completely different note....i actually have a wip that is heavily inspired by call me by your name. it takes place in summer, features postgrad damen who is helping out professor aleron, and laurent who is very smitten with damen and his muscles. here is a snippet from it (aka the only part that is semi edited):

It isn’t until Rochert tells everyone on the football team that Laurent is a desperate, whorish, cock-hungry slut that Damianos finally begins paying attention to him.

Damianos, or Damen, as he insists on being called, is Papa’s latest research assistant. Every year, Papa promises a sedulous student of his free residence in their guest house for an entire year, while cultivating said student’s brilliance. It’s part of Papa’s grand plan to create as many philosophers in a “philosophically unchallenged era”. Usually, the students have to dedicate a certain number of hours a week to help Papa research new material for his classes, grade papers, and translate niche, long poems no one besides patrons in Introduction to Classics reads. Damen himself is an enigma; he’s at the very least 6’ 5”, quite possibly taller, especially when he wears boots, bronzed, dimpled, and he spends nearly all his free time at the gym, on the field, or in the kitchen with Mama, sampling a bizarre new creation of hers.

He has also been the object of Laurent’s fascination and sexual dreams for the last three months. In fact, upon meeting Damen for the first time, Laurent’s first thought had been, I want him on top of me. Since then, his initial inner monologues haven’t deviated much. The only problem is this: despite Laurent’s continuous efforts to get Damen to grunt more than one syllable in his direction, Damen doesn’t seem to ever notice him. Even when Laurent lingers around the guest house doorway wearing his limited-edition Givenchy jacket and jeans that are a size too small, all Damen ever does is give him a polite, mostly uninterested nod.

At the end of the third month of pining with little reciprocation, Laurent decides that pursuing Damen is an unworthy, impossible task. His mind is mostly made up, until one Tuesday afternoon, as Laurent is leaving for his Philology class, Auguste and Damen come barrelling in through the kitchen doors, instead of through the patio doors.

The patio doors offer a direct path to the guest house; after a particularly vigorous training session, Auguste and Damen directly head through there to get high and drink. Auguste can’t do that anywhere besides the guest house; he had insisted on living on campus, with his other football teammates, even though their house is down the road from university, and at most, a five-minute walk.

Laurent is too distracted by the tightness of Damen’s shirt around his biceps to actually notice Auguste, until his brother pushes him to the side in order to get to the freezer.

“Oh my god!” Laurent gasps. Auguste is bleeding heavily. There’s red smeared all over his nose, dripping into his lips as he tries to stop the flow. Wrapping a paper towel around some ice cubes, Auguste tilts his head down. Damen hovers over him, saying something that is too quiet for Laurent to pick up on.

Laurent breathes in sharply through his nose; the dizziness he feels is sudden. He sits down at the dining table, a hand pressed to his forehead, eyes squeezed shut.

“You alright?” Damen calls out from the other side of the kitchen. He’s handing Auguste more ice. Laurent can’t even celebrate the fact that Damen is addressing him because he thinks he might pass out.

“Mmm hmm,” he says, or at least tries to.

“He’s scared of blood,” Auguste says. His voice is muffled around the paper towel.

A moment later, there’s a glass of water being placed down near his elbow. Laurent looks up at Damen, who isn’t quite smiling. He says, “Drink up. It might make you feel better.”

By the time Laurent has finished drinking his water, with shaking hands and a dry mouth, Auguste seems to be in better shape. There’s no more blood all over his face, just a streak of mud on his temple and sweat in his hairline.

“What happened to you?” Laurent asks. “Thanks,” he adds belatedly to Damen, who only nods, already back to his usual stoicism around Laurent.

He’s surprised by the anger twisted in Auguste’s features; Auguste is rarely antagonistic. “Do you know what that motherfucker Rochert has been saying about you?” Auguste’s voice is a brittle, biting sound.

Laurent almost says who? It takes him more than a few seconds for the name to register in his mind. When it does, he blushes, hard. “Um.”

He has a concrete idea of what Rochert could have said to piss Auguste off to this degree. The changing rooms aren’t soundproof, and yesterday, when Laurent had dropped off some papers to Damen as a favour to his father, he had heard Rochert’s booming voice telling Jord and Orlant that Laurent was a slut, always ready for cock.

Damen had stepped out of the changing rooms the moment Rochert had said, “He’s a straight up whore. Seriously. My cock was on fire and he still wasn’t satiated.”

His voice had carried into the space between them. It was as though Rochert was standing next to them; his voice was clear and unbroken.

Damen’s eyebrows had risen. Laurent, face hot, fumbled with the papers. “Here.” He shoved them into Damen’s hand.

Damen, wearing his letterman jacket and smelling like a generic soap brand, took them. For a moment, it looked as though he was going to say something. Then he smirked, and his eyes travelled over Laurent’s body in a leisurely place. It was the kind of once over someone promising a good fuck would do. Laurent had felt like his whole body was on fire, and not just his face.

Damen said, “Thanks,” smirk still firmly locked in place, before he turned around, heading towards the coffee shop.

On his walk to the other side of campus, Laurent had managed to convince himself that he had just been imagining the look. Damen had been staying with them for three months now, and in that span of time, the only thing he had said to Laurent that was longer than two syllables was, Does your dad stock any Patran dictionaries? It wasn’t conceivable that Damen now would suddenly look at him like he was a five-course meal.

Now, however, Laurent swears Damen is giving him the same kind of look, even if his mouth is set tight.

Still, there are more pressing matters right now. Taking in Auguste’s rumpled jersey and his glittering eyes, Laurent makes his conclusion. “Did you hit him?”

“Did I –” Auguste breaks off with a slow, incredulous shake of his head. “Yeah, I hit him! That little shit was saying the most disgusting things about you.”

Laurent recalls the conversation from yesterday. “I mean, it’s not – he isn’t that bad.”

It’s the wrong thing to say. Auguste is getting more incensed. He’s practically vibrating with anger, hopping from one foot to the other. “Look Laurent,” he begins, and Laurent mentally groans; Auguste has gone into his lecturing mode. “It doesn’t matter who you sleep with or what your tendencies are in the bedroom, you never let someone talk about you like that. Alright? Tell me you understand.”

“I understand,” Laurent says dutifully.

“I can’t believe the nerve of that guy,” Auguste says. “Apparently he’s been spouting this bullshit for a while now; he just waits until I’ve left practice. It’s lucky I forgot my wallet in my locker today.”

Laurent hums. Truthfully, he doesn’t care what Rochert – or the other football guys – say about him. Aside from a comment here or there, they don’t ever talk to him anyway.

Regardless, he’s touched by Auguste’s protectiveness.

“Thanks,” he says. “For protecting my honour and all that.”

Auguste throws him a fond, exasperated look. “Don’t thank me. Just… you know.”

“Yes,” says Laurent.

Damen says, “You going to class?” even though he knows Laurent has classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

“Yes,” says Laurent. “Philology.”

“I took that in first year too. If you need any help, let me know.”

“...Thanks,” says Laurent.

[cryoculus]

i'm back fool may i request headcanon or scenarios for the hq captains (or honestly whoever u wanna add) finding out their fem crush does hardcore parkour as a hobby. At school she wears the cute uniform but after ???? It's bad bitch time. Adidas sweats, the tank top for guys (under armour idk what's it called).

HHHHHere it is 

Ushijima

He doesn’t believe it at first when Tendou tells him about it. You were practically Shiratorizawa’s resident goody-two-shoes and because you were his classmate, he knew you to a certain extent. There was simply no way you’d be a closet parkour artist.

Tendou always insisted that Ushijima would come along with him sometime after school so he could show him, but he was simply in denial™ and thought Tendou was being obtuse. 

He eventually caved though.

Ushijima didn’t really know where to look when Tendou said, “Here we are,” after bringing him smack in the middle of a busy Sendai intersection. But then he saw it. 

A couple of teenagers were jumping buildings like it was nobody’s business – and to his utter disbelief, you were there. There was no trace of the adorable classmate whose charm was unparalleled. 

Tendou had to drag him by the arm so they wouldn’t lose track of your group, which was difficult because this six foot bag of meat was probably twice his weight. 

Your session ended at a nearby park, doing backflips from memorial statues. Ushijima thought that was a little disrespectful, but he couldn’t put a thought into it because he was gaping at you. 

“Tendou-kun, you said you wouldn’t tell!” you whined, hitting the middle blocker in the chest. 

“What can I say, Wakatoshi-kun has to know about his crush’s secret identity right?”

“Tendou,” Ushijima cautioned. How could he just rat him out right there?

 But you were blushing at Tendou’s proclamation. Your outfit may suggest otherwise, but you were definitely the girl who had put him under your charms.

“Ushijima-kun, you won’t tell, right?”

He nodded. He wouldn’t want anyone else getting to know you this way, anyway. 

Oikawa

Outside volleyball, Oikawa was known to be Seijoh’s local playboy. Though he only had one girlfriend, he did have many notable conquests because of his flirtatious nature.

But he seemed to be having trouble trying to woo a certain first year student.

“I heard she was an exhibitionist,” supplied Hanamaki when he asked his friends what they knew about you. 

“What kind of exhibitionist though?” Iwaizumi asked. 

Matsukawa snickered. “Maybe she’s a gravure model.”

Oikawa punched Mattsun on the shoulder. “Don’t besmirch (Name)-chan in that kind of light! She’s practically a saint.”

You were at the top of your class, the year-level representative, and volunteered for charity. And you were only a first year. 

“I dunno, Oikawa,” Makki sighed. “She seems a little too good, don’tcha think? I bet she’s got some weird secret she doesn’t want everyone to know.”

That actually made sense. So, he tried offering to walk you home that day to try and smooth talk some answers out of you, but you politely declined, to his chagrin. 

“Sorry, Oikawa-senpai, I’m meeting some friends at the park today,” you explained.

Any normal person would just suck it up and accept it right? 

Oikawa was not a normal person.

So, he went to the park that afternoon after school to see what was so important that you denied a walk home from the Oikawa Tooru. But the sight that beheld him nearly made his jaw drop.

You and a couple of older looking boys were climbing up the walls of an abandoned building with the swiftness of felines. Once you reached the top, you all hopped off the roof and landed gracefully on the cobblestone path. 

You saw Oikawa hiding behind a lamp post though. He gaped when you approached him with a cheery smile.

“Still like me, senpai?”

He threw his arms around you.

“Duh.”

Sawamura

I personally headcanon Daichi as someone who has some experience with parkour ‘cause of those  t h i g h s.

Anyway, he has a huge crush on Kiyoko’s cousin, who’s also a third year in Karasuno. Where Kiyoko was the graceful character, you were a bit more of a girl who was the actual definition of “kawaii-desu~ xD”

And not in a cringey way.

You were so ridiculously adorable, a lot of boys from Karasuno swooned over the sight of you.

But one day, Asahi managed to get him into parkour again. 

“Asahi, you know how my stunts were a bunch of failures back then, right?”

Asahi laughed. “We were first years. Surely with all this training, our bodies have better coordination.”

So they contacted the guys they used to do parkour with back then and to their surprise, they began recruiting girls as well.

When the two of them arrived at the meeting place on top of a corporate building in the main district, Daichi nearly choked when he saw you in the small crowd, talking to one of the members. 

But before he could tell Asahi about it, the guy overseeing the whole thing pulled them to the side and gave a quick briefing.

“Oh, and for saftey purposes, you’ll be getting a guide,” he smiled before calling out to someone, “(Name), come here would you?”

Asahi shot Daichi a knowing look and, the next thing they knew, you were their temporary coach. But you didn’t really provide them with any useful information besides:

“Don’t weigh me down.”

When the practice exhibition went underway, Asahi was performing fine but Daichi had to put his back into catching up with the rest of the group. His eyes were glued on you, who jumped each and every obstacle with unparalleled grace. Was that really Karasuno’s sweetheart?

 Right before the beam exercises, he decided to chat you up and asked how long you’ve been doing parkour.

“None of your business,” you deadpanned.

As you walked away, Asahi nudged him. 

“You’ve got it bad, don’t you?”

Kuroo

Kuroo had pretty high standards, if he did say so himself.

He wasn’t easily enamored by a pretty face unlike a certain brunet setter from Miyagi. But of course, he was still human and could still fall prey to that inevitable force called feelings.

It started when this shy girl transferred into Nekoma at the beginning of his third year. You were his seatmate and he’s convinced that, if you were assigned a different place to sit, he would’ve never interacted with you unless needed.

But since you were given the pleasure to be seated close to his glory, Kuroo decided to befriend you. 

You were ridiculously timid and Kuroo was perfectly fine with that, since his own best friend shared the same personality trait. He knew how to handle you without making you feel like he’s overstepping his boundaries.

Whenever he didn’t have practice, he offered to walk you home ‘platonically’ since you lived in the same neighborhood as him and Kenma. But strangely, whenever they dropped you off at home, he’d see you sneaking out of your house to go out. 

He thought that maybe you just had somewhere else to be and was too shy to decline his offer to walk you home.

“She’s hiding something,” Kenma flatly concluded.

Amused, Kuroo questioned, “What makes you say so?”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re the one who kept telling me she’s basically me. I’m sure I’ll notice when I’m hiding something.”

“Touché.”

So, when Kuroo walked you home the next time without Kenma, since he didn’t want to involve himself in Operation: Find Out What (Name) Does in Her Free Time, he tailed you at an inconspicuous distance. 

But then, you had travelled all the way to an abandoned warehouse in the outskirts of the city. Were you involved in some criminal activity? Concerned, he decided to step inside.

Someone nearly kicked him in the head from propelling yourself on top of an unused cargo carrier. 

“Sorry!” you apologized profusely, helping him back onto his feet. Your entire face was flushed crimson at Kuroo’s presence.

“What are you doing here?” he inquired.

“I-I-I uh do p-parkour as a hobby,” you stammered, fidgeting with the hem of your tank top. “Keeps m-my blood circulating.”

“Keeps your blood circulating?” he echoed with a smile. It reminded him of the words he’d tell the team before a volleyball match.

He grinned. “Can you teach me some of your moves?” 

Bokuto

He always prattled endlessly about his newfound crush to Akaashi when he met you in the cafeteria one day. 

“She accidentally poured piping hot coffee on my uniform, but she was so cute, Akaashi!”

“Bokuto-san, could you please focus on the game? The opponent is at a match point.” 

Since he had the attention span of a goldfish, Bokuto would always find his thoughts drifting back to you, someone he barely even saw in the halls of Fukurodani.

Eventually, he got “deprived” of your beauty and decided to hunt you down, asking various friends of his if they knew who you were. 

“Ah, (Surname) from Class 1? She rarely comes to school.”

“I heard she was a delinquent.”

“No, her dad’s part of the yakuza!”

“Someone told me she was a spy deployed at our school.”

“I think I saw her on a porn movie once.”

In short, no one really knew your true identity and you didn’t make a lot of friends. The information more or less put Bokuto in a dejected mode like no other, which irked Akaashi very much when his performance dwindled during their practice matches.

So, for the sake of the revival of his captain’s volleyball prowess, Akaashi took it upon himself to do his own investigation regarding a certain (Surname) (Name). When he finally got intel on where you were usually seen, he gave Bokuto the address. 

“Really Akaashi? You’re really going to let me see her?” Crocodile tears ran down his cheeks. 

“Please, before I change my mind.”

Bokuto did as instructed and headed out to Akihabara Park. He looked around, eyes carefully scanning the area for a familiar face, but then his attention got snagged by a couple of people doing parkour stunts near the multi-level parking lot.

You were scaling the building without any protective gear whatsoever. Your feet disengaged fluidly with each jump you made to reach the bottom. The finishing move was a flawless backflip that Bokuto thought would go awry, but you landed on your feet without fail. One of your companions pat your shoulder for a job well done and you grinned. 

But then you locked eyes with Bokuto. 

“What’re you doing here?” you asked when you jogged up to him.

“I think I’m in love with you,” he admitted in a trance.

You blinked, attempting to let his spur-of-the-moment confession sink in. “What?”

“I’m. In. Love. With. You.”

An unattractive snort escaped you. “I’m sorry. Bokuto, was it? I only date guys who can keep up with me.”

With that, you went back to your little parkrour group for your next set of stunts, but that’s until Bokuto ran to catch up to you.

“I won’t disappoint you!” 

[starryoong]

|— ୨|୧ [ get to know me tag ] ୨|୧ —|

tagged by @bbyquokka (thank you !!) ‹3

1. Birthday?

October 16th!

2. Favorite color?

green and brown, especially sage/olive shades and a good earthy brown... mmm yes

3. How tall are you?

164cm (again, shut up snowy, I will jump up and bite your ass.)

4. How many pair of shoes to you own?

hmm, three? a pair of trainers, a pair of winter ish boots and my trusty pair of slippers.

5. Favorite song?

I always answer these with my current one, so Treacherous (Taylor's version) by Taylor Swift! One of my two favourites by her.

6. Favorite movie?

I honestly don't know? I haven't watched a movie in so long because my attention span goes feral.

7. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who would challenge me, but still be a comfort place. I'm gonna be real sappy and say that Binnie would fit the role..

8. Do you want children?

nope, I've never wanted them ever since I was a wee kindergartener. It's just never been something I've wanted?

9. Have you gotten in trouble with the law?

nope.

10. What color socks are you wearing?

grey wool socks with little black moose on them hihi

11. Favorite type of music?

My favourites are definitely indie (especially scottish indie, take Vansleep for example, my beloved) and generally I find myself leaning more into anything that has solid rhythm sections, especially bass lines. There's just something about a bangin bass line, man..

12. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Usually one, but since I tend to move a lot, I fold it so it's double if it's not the right™️ height haha.

13. What position do you sleep in?

99% of the time I end up on my stomach with one of my legs up in some angle. Yes, I am aware that I'm very attractive.

14. What don’t you like when you’re sleeping?

I get so fucking stressed if there's movement or blinking lights around me when I'm trying to relax.

15. Have you tried archery?

no, but I wish!

16. Favorite fruit?

peaches <3

17. Are you a good liar?

depends? I don't like lying, but I also don't get the point in being brutally honest all the time if it's a taste thing and it doesn't really matter? Idk

18. What’s your personality type?

INFJ-T (twinning with bestie Aragorn hihi)

19. Innie or outie?

innie

20. Left or right handed?

right

21. Favorite food?

I like sushi and taco a completely normal amount. I vibe with food as long as it's not too spicy or hot (temperature-wise) and the textures are right™️

22. Favorite foreign food?

Sushi and taco, hehe

23. Are you clean or messy?

Usually? A very clean person. I love cleaning and tidying as it calms my anxiety, but when I hit my depressive episodes? Yeah, you can easily spot it from the state of my apartment.

24. Most used phrase?

slay

25. How long does it take you to get ready?

usually like 5-15 minutes?

26. Do you talk to yourself?

not really? not unless I'm really scared and have to physically remind myself of my checklists etc

27. Do you sing to yourself?

all the time.

28. Are you a good singer?

idk? I used to sing in choirs and weekly one-on-one training from 4/5 to 16, but I'm pretty rusty these days. I have a goal to join a choir again this year 🤞🏻

29. Biggest fear?

two potentially very triggering topics that I'm not gonna air out on the internet. oh and also eels. cannot stand the fuckers.

30. Are you a gossip?

oh god, I hate gossip culture so much. I come from a town where everybody knows everybody and I hate it.

31. Long or short hair?

short

32. Favorite school subject?

norwegian, english and psychology

33. Extrovert or introvert?

a massive introvert ;-;

34. What make you nervous?

anything involving people. the fact that I am an adult supposedly able to take care of myself when I feel like a traumatised eight-year-old still.

35. Who was your first crush?

I didn't really do crushes, but I remember wanting to be paul waaktaar-savoy so bad

36. How many piercings do you have?

none right now! I've had my nostrill, septum, vertical medusa, medusa, smiley and earlobes pierced before, but I took them all out to heal last year. I wanna start fresh this year, bridge and some ear piercings are on the list.

37. How many tattoos do you have?

I've genuinely lost count.. A lot <3

38. How fast can you run?

very slowly.

39. What color is your hair?

a weird mix of semi-blonde, brown and my natural brown-blonde-grey ish colour.. idk man.

40. What color are your eyes?

blue/grey

41. What makes you angry?

mostly societal injustice. atm, I'm fucking fuming at the national healthcare system in my own country for refusing to offer non-binary folks help because we're not "trans enough".

42. Do you like your name?

I feel disconnected from both my deadname and my new name. Slowly unpacking that with my therapist. Starry feels more like a safe space though.

43. Do you want a boy to girl as a child?

I don't want children, but if I were to have one - it would honestly not matter. I would try to treat them as genderlessly as I could until they could choose for themselves, so it genuinely doesn't matter.

44. What are your strengths?

right now, I don't feel like I have any tbh. but normally, I think I try my best to make people feel seen and heard?

45. What are your weaknesses?

we're not gonna open that door right now

46. What’s the color of your bedspread?

white with brown/red lines

47. What’s the color of your room?

where I am now, white. in my apartment, light grey.

I'm too tired to tag anyone right now, but feel free to say I tagged you if you want to do this! 🫶🏻

[allthepandasintheworld]

Quincy Li, the Transformer

Name: Quincy “Qinlin” (aka verdant forest) Li I named him Quincy bc of the visual of Q and bc of the ‘in’ part, not bc Qin sounds anything like Quin lmao

Occupation: mercenary employed by RED (sort of, more in his backstory)

Age: 26 (in 1970 so he’s like... the same age as scout...?)

Height: 5′8″ (standing)

Build: Average. His upper body and core strength is far better than his lower body strength. He is currently still undergoing physical therapy, so he’s working on it. His arms probably get buffer as time goes on simply because of the nature of his disability (paralysis below the knee if thats even a thing lmao either way it has to do with his legs and basically the whole point of his class).

Description: He has fairly standard Chinese features, and his skin is on the tanner side (bc seriously, don’t believe those commercials, far more Asians have darker skin than those vampires you see on TV--his skin tone is actually fairly close to my own). His hair is short, and he generally wears a beanie and fingerless gloves. He usually is found wearing a modified dress shirt with a maroon vest emblazoned with his class logo. He wears a small, stud earring on his left ear. 

Likes: Machines, programming, computers, technology, exploring, cars, motorcycles, listening to folktales

Dislikes: exercise, his physical therapy training, his crutches (even though he understands their necessity), his leg braces, his modified shoes, gender dysphoria

Alignment: True Neutral (gives zero fucks tbh)

Zodiac: Aquarius

DOB: February 2, 1944

Gender: Male

Orientation: I haven’t really thought about it yet tbh although I don’t think it will ever come into play should I ever end up rping as him at any point? but I have a feeling he’d end up bi/pan like most of my muses lmao

Voice: The sound of a 12 year old boy like the kind you meet in tf2 servers tbh His voice sounds gender neutral. Even if you listened very carefully, it is hard to discern whether his voice is that of a mature woman or a boy in his teens.

Languages: English, Mandarin Chinese

Education: He’s fresh outta college dude. Went to a 4 year for a bachelor’s in mechanical engineering, then took a few years of grad school until he was taken to Mann Co, where he finished his education under Engie.

Nationality: Chinese American (he has an American passport bc he was born in the US, specifically, San Francisco)

Disorders: Mild PTSD

Habits: Tinkering with things that don’t belong to him. Prone to experimentation with machines, specifically cars and motorcycles. He loves motorcycles bc he can use them to great effect if he mods them a bit to accommodate for his legs. Plus, gotta go fast my dude, and motorcycles are the easiest way for him, a self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie, to get his fill of adrenaline (plus he’s a speed demon i mean what do you expect, being stuck to a wheelchair all day?). Likes trying to “sneak” around as best he can: it’s a habit he developed since childhood, and is especially a challenge bc of his disability.

Positive traits: Intelligent, confident (in some ways, at least), gives good advice despite not following it on his own

Neutral traits: Passive, impartial, talkative

Negative traits: Impulsive, immature/petty, uncaring, selfish, prideful

And, of course, an obligatory explanation of what the fuck this lil kid is doing with these hardened mercenaries:

His family was poor, having immigrated legally to the US after the repeal of the Chinese Exclusion Act in 1943 (see I do my history) before having him. His older brother, Chiyang Li (aka “scarlet sun” aka Charlie), worked in a factory to help support Quincy and his mother. His mother is a badass bitch okay, she came to the US by herself, while pregnant and caring for a preschooler (she came literally right before having the baby that is fucking insane she... is a fucking... badass, and remember, she came while she had to take care of Charlie, who was no more than 3-4 years old at the time). His father still lives in China, although he is working on securing a way into the US. Of his family, Quincy is the only one so far with an American passport. 

Quincy’s childhood was difficult, to say the least. His mother worked a laundry business, almost as soon as she was strong enough again to wash clothing. Quincy grew up being cared for primarily by his older brother, who also assisted in his mother’s laundry business. As they got older, Charlie quit high school to work in a local factory (I’m thinking San Leandro--they have all these big-ass warehouses, but idk either way they’re in the Bay Area) to get more money for the family and to put Quincy through college. Throughout grade school, Quincy also faced discrimination from his classmates for being the “weird Asian kid”. Although he was never severely bullied for a long span of time, the other children at the school did not like him very much since he was different. When he first entered school, he did not know a single word of English, and had to learn on the fly (since his mother and brother spoke Mandarin Chinese at home).

obligatory content warning for potentially triggering content including mentions of bullying, physical violence, racism, transphobia (mostly a combo of microaggressions and institutionalized misogyny), and body mutilation past this point. You have been warned.

During elementary school, a group of children decided one day to act on the racist stereotypes that many of them had grown up with. Along with the end of WWII, there was plenty of resentment towards those with Asian features. They were nasty, and all around horrible, but never threatened Quincy’s safety until they one day tried to break his legs and feet after teasing, mostly about women breaking and binding their feet, went too far (keep in mind, this was before Quincy realized he was trans, so his mother was dressing him in feminine clothing and hairstyles). They were successful, needless to say, and Quincy ended up with broken feet and lower legs that never healed correctly because his family could not afford to take him to a hospital. He still had to attend school the next day, with Charlie helping him to and from class. Eventually, Charlie and his mother managed to put together enough funds to find a wheelchair for Quincy before the end of that schoolyear. Since then, Quincy has been unable to walk without assistance, especially since that, without proper medical attention, his feet were permanently damaged (he does, however, eventually begin physical therapy, but that’s only after he earned money bc he joined RED).

At first, he was ashamed of himself. He felt odd and out of place, for more reasons than one. His body felt like more of an impairment than anything, especially with growing issues like... literally growing up with a body that didn’t match how he felt. Things like cars fascinated him, even though girls his age were encouraged to play with dolls and tea sets. He just wasn’t interested, and was more interested in playing cars with the other boys his age. In middle school, he began learning about cars and engines, and became fascinated by the idea of mechanical engineering, including space travel, having heard of the launch of Sputnik when he was 13. In high school, he began to study mechanical engineering in earnest, and started to see his wheelchair as more of an opportunity than an impairment. He began experimenting on it, adding things like controls and improving the efficiency of the wheels. Charlie supported him by taking him to the junkyard to try and find scrap materials.

In terms of being trans, he came out to his family at the beginning of high school after he refused to wear the female school uniform (bc I guess he attended one of those schools TM). His brother supported him, even though he didn’t really get it. His mother took a little longer to come around, and still has yet to fully accept/understand Quincy’s identity in the present time (1970). At the end of the day, it was Charlie who prepared Quincy the best and supported him in nearly everything, and that’s Quincy’s motive in joining Mann Co. They paid well, they asked no questions, and they promised him a job for a long time.

Alright, warning is over, feel free to continue reading now.

By the time Quincy graduated college, he had heavily customized the wheelchair (although not to the extent of his time at Mann Co, not yet). He had increased the efficiency of the wheels, created a custom steering system, as well as a get-out-of-jail-free engine thing, although at this point he still needed to manually wheel himself forward most of the time. It was because of this innovation, coupled with his impressive understanding of mechanical engineering demonstrated in college, that Redmond approached him halfway through his time at grad school and offered him a position at RED as the Transformer. He saw Quincy’s potential, and wanted to get a leg up on his brother, Blutarch (of course), and wanted to try investing in college students so he could guarantee a future for when the previous mercenaries retire (or some bs like that tbh i haven’t really thought this through...). He also thought that college students were easier to find and hire, and could therefore learn from the existing classes (or something of the sort). Since Engineer was the closest in profession to Quincy, Engie was sent to teach him (for now, it’ll just be a generic RED Engie that I’ll write on my own although other engies feel free to adopt my small nerdy boy), so Quincy finished his degree while working under RED. He also worked together with Engie to build his current wheelchair, which can transform into 3 forms (similar to how vaccinator can defend against 3 types of damage). The three forms are “Carp”, “Hare”,  and “Bull” (support, offense, and defense in order). They change his ability set (Carp gives him movement speed, hare gives him a charge, and bull gives him hp). It takes 5 seconds to go between forms bc the wheelchair needs to transform itself. He spawns in Carp form. He also has various weapons given to him by Mann Co to compliment his forms, although his loadout is meant to buff certain forms and nerf others (yadda yadda i’ll talk more about his mechanics later).

He is, however, horrified by the everyday violence, and its... Probably factored a lot into his preexisting PTSD stemming from what happened in his childhood. (After being separated from his wheelchair once and being unable to do anything for the rest of the battle until he went through respawn again, Quincy asked Engie to connect his life in Respawn to his wheelchair, so he would never feel the fear of being stranded with no mobility again... It was a bad time :( very angst. He’d rather go through respawn with his wheelchair than feel vulnerable like that again).

And that brings us to present day! Wooo!! backstoryyyyy!!!

[vvorldatlarge]

story from 5/17/17

I’m going to scatter notable anecdotes throughout summer like I said, so here’s one that I meant to tell but was too lazy to type up.

I (chris traeger voice) LIT-era-lly have no idea how I write this fucking much. I don’t need all of it where does it come from  , . It’s good in academics, it’s what earned me the language arts and reading awards at graduation among other things, but when I want to convey a simple fufkcing point or tell a story it’s Hell. I do this to L too, guys. I want to say ONE FUCKIN GNF THING to L in an email and he ends up with 5 paragraphs of me rambling in his inbox. Save me

On that day i went to this after school event hosted every year by mainly L and whoever else is the 7th grade Geography teacher in the school (last year, it was only him, but this year there’s one other teacher) called Multi-Cultural Night. Basically, a group of 1-3 kids choose or are assigned a country other than Britain, the US, and Canada, and they have to do a research paper, a poster, and make a cultural dish from that country to bring in to Multi-Cultural Night. Last year when I had to do it, I chose the Philippines because I’m half Filipino. Basically, just imagine a cafeteria FULL of free samples at every table from different cultures. Just thinking about the amount of food that was there brings me to tears. I wanted to go not just to see L, but to eat food and… read the posters. (but that’s kind of a side thing.) When I went, I just had my parents drop me off, so I was kind of alone and the entire time I basically just hung around Miss. Z and one of my friends that had to go because his brother was in 7th. As I entered the room, I immediately tried to look for L, and did find him but couldn’t get him to notice me so I could wave or say hi, so I dropped it until later, when I was heading towards a table to snatch a sample and he greeted me and was like “what’s the best food you’ve had so far?” Okay. Good. The conversation that I’ve been waiting for. What was my response? “I- uhm, well… oh gosh. I forgot.” He nodded and I could not deal. I had to save the short conversation. “BUT it’s all been really good so far!! Ha.. .ha.. .. , , I’m really enjoying it!” Can’t remember exactly, he said “good! C:” and  probably did a little thumbs up and then walked off. It still made me happy that I got to talk to him, but the words “why am i such a fucking social failure” probably crossed my mind afterwards. I also decided that for the rest of the night, I would actually remember what country each sample came from. Like I said before, I spent the rest of the night trailing behind Miss. Z and eating. So much food. It was all so good. I still get emotional thinking about it. I want to show up next year. I think I will. I’ll be like an NPC character in a game series that reappears in every single fucking game even though they serve no purpose to the plot and everyone just accepts they’re immortal. Except I won’t be immortal. I’ll just be eating and only getting older by a year every time.

|||| I also kept sneaking glances at L while eating. If I saw him walking by I wouldn’t be obvious but I’d still stand alert and not look like a fool while eating (which is difficult considering I’m myself). At the same time, though, I’d completely avoid him. It’s fucking weird. Is it a thing connected with social anxiety or general awkwardness to want to see someone, but absolutely avoid them at the same time? Probably. You don’t want to embarrass yourself, so if you really like someone or look up to them you minimize the chance of an embarrassing situation as much as possible. That’s my guess. Makes sense to me. One time, I was hovering near Miss. Z and L walked towards her and started talking, and I quickly finished eating and awkwardly stood around and kinda.. shifted behind her. She noticed as he was doing something else momentarily and she just laughed at me. He then walked away to somewhere behind me and I did that blatant (i did not mean it to be that blatant) glance at him behind his back, not necessarily at his ass (oh dear.. Did i look at his ass and was it obvious? That’s worse. I forgot if I did.) but just at him in general and Miss. Z made an amused sound and clearly noticed. Before I could say anything, someone else talked to her for a little bit and after they left I asked her, “why did you make that sound…?” W, you fool, you knew why she made that sound. She just said “nothing…. Nothing at all…” in a certain voice. I know to some that sounds made-up, but she does that on purpose when she caught you doing something amusing or something you wouldn’t want her to know. (as long as it’s not like. Bad. and she understands it seems that me liking him is harmless as long as I don’t make it get out of hand and have it threaten his career) Like. Scandalous. Essentially, the equivalent of when in certain fanfiction a character knows someone has the hots for another person but acts like they don’t.

|||| Later, after Miss.Z left and I was waiting for my dad to come and pick me up, I was stalling before I actually went and stood outside for my dad because I wanted the right opportunity to say bye to him, so I waiting by the door, which was next to the table that sold the recipe books of the night and water. Because it was fucking hot. I bought a recipe book as soon as I walked in, and I was holding it along with my phone and L noticed me and was like “Did ya’ buy a book yet, W?”. Which confused me. I was literally holding it.. In my hands…??? But you can’t really count on L being too observant (not to be mean, he’s really smart, it’s just he seems to get caught in his thoughts a lot. A lot. He also has a low attention span, is kinda all over the place, fidgets. Trying to stay away from talking about something I don’t have, but to give you an idea, he’s actually mentioned in class that he thinks he has ADHD. Not jokingly. (it’s shitty to joke about anyways js) anyone with ADHD please tell me if I just said something off as a side note) so I guess. But, I said, “Yea” and held it out and he nodded and continued cleaning up the table. I retreated to my spot right next to the door, and checked my phone, and my fuckass dropped it on the floor and he was like “😲W!!!!” (the samsung version of that emoji conveys it better) all jokingly alarmed and that was adorable. But embarrassing. The phone case came off and so did the battery. Or whatever it was. It’s a samsung phone. I think. I’m more of a tablet person idk. It’s actually not my phone. I borrowed it from my mom. The phone came out okay.

|||| Eventually, I figured I needed to stand outside and not spend too much time pointlessly lingering, so I decided to face my fears and walk up to him and actually get his attention directly to say hi. Which took more effort than I thought and kind of killed me because the more I spend talking to people, esp. L, the more energy that leaves me. I said his name once to get his attention and he didn’t notice me, right there, and I repeated it like.. 2 more times and he finally turned to me and I just, now more awkward than before, said “cya” and he was like “oh! C: cya” and I left. Welp. Shit. Also, I found out that night that Miss. Z sent L the history videos by Bill Wurtz-- “the history of the world, I guess” video and the “history of japan” video, which is all I ever needed to know in life. I never brought it up and found out if he watched the latter but Miss. Z told me he watched the former and found it hilarious. Those videos are honestly what I’d expect his train of thought to be like except 10x dorkier (eugh.. Hate calling a real person that when I don’t know them really really well.. It’s weird...) and silly.

WHY DO I RAMBLE TOO MCUH THAT DID NOT NEED TO BE A GODDAMNED ESSAY WHY AM I LIKE THIS

[babypadawan]

pt. 1 I've been w my man for 3 yrs. We met each other during basic training and have been inseparable ever since. He's my rock. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but now im shook by what i've uncovered. I don't know what to think!!! "crazy". I was on his computer looking thru his email for an old flight itinerary and i found emails he's been exchanging with his cousin's ex gf. The emails date back to 2 months into our relationship and ended last year. 😫

2) im literally shaking as i write this im so hurt and pissed!! anyway, the emails start off friendly. they’re catching up. she tells him about a guy she’s hooking up with. He admits he feels jealous and sends her topless pics of himself. At first, she tries to play it off but then she sends him a topless pic too! all of this dates back to literally 2 months into our relationship in the emails!! They start dirty talking up and down and he tells her he wants to see her when he visits town3) This nigga and her start dirty talking back and forth in the raunchiest, most explicit way. I’m picking my jaw off the ground bc he’s telling her how much he wants her and needs her and is being totally way more kinky with her. She ends up cutting it off out of guilt and they don’t email for awhile. I searched her email in his gmail and i see literally every 3-4 months strings and strings of dirty emails between the 2 of them, spanning a 2 yr period. I’m literally in tears as i write this. (missing part 4??) 5) He literally says: “ Give me the chance to earn it. Idk about you but I’ve been fantasizing about you for years”. He sends her dick pics too. The whore ended it a year ago. I feel like my whole world is crumbling apart. Who tf is the person I’ve been loving this entire time? I don’t know how I should confront him. Should I stay with him or not? 6) im torn rn bc it doesn’t look like they ever met up to have sex (though he tried to get them too many times) and he is my first real love. Should I stay or go? how should i confront him? im on the verge of a psychotic break. i printed everything. im gonna tape them to his apt door, his car, and his friend’s cars. I’m mailing gift-wrapped, spiral bound copies to his friends and fam. he will make his nude modeling debut as a wallpaper on our work computers. he underestimated me. poor thing

okay first I wanna say, I’m so sorry this happened to you and reading this made my heart hurt. you didn’t deserve this at all and this is like next level… just plain mean shit. while he (hopefully) didn’t physically meet up with this lady, he wouldve in a heartbeat apparently and there mightve been others too. while he didn’t physically cheat, he mentally was all about her. was he sweet to her too, or just dirty? 

now I agree with your plan, but first wait, and TALK to him. because after you do what youre planning to do I doubt you guys will talk again (thats a blessing, make no mistake!) so youll need to have a discussion about everything your head can’t shake. sounds like your heart is confused, which I totally get because it’s been 3 years and you guys have gone through a lot together. 

and then you gotta decide if you can accept this. how strong was your trust before and can you build it back? when you talk to him, does he seem genuinely sorry, does he seem scared at the thought of losing you? maybe in his head he was never gonna meet up with her. maybe he’s really kinky and doesn’t know how to bring it up, and all he really wants is to do those things to you but he loves you too much. or maybe he’s a piece of shit who just wants attention from other women and doesn’t know how to get it other than being a nasty ass? 

I hope that you leave him and move on bc you deserve someone who loves you even when youre not around!! and like he initiated it too so fuck him. but if you stay please make sure he knows how horrible he was acting and that he makes it up to you for a long time!! and id make a list cause it’s gonna be very emotional and you might forget and depending on what you decide after you prob won’t be able to get answers from him. good luck babe 💞