When the pawn hits the conflicts, he thinks like a king.
Quick summary: Rust catches you trying to work him.
Word count: 754 words
Warnings: N/A
A/N: Another attempt at trying to get past the astronomical writer's block I experienced after writing The Idler Wheel. This was one of my first tries at a second chapter (in like February T_T), like a little scene, but I didn't like th way it panned out: it felt like they were fighting and I didn't necessarily want them to fight explicitly with each other in the final story. If this feels unfinished, it's because I abandoned it after ten minutes. ENjoy!!!!@
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“Are you lonely again?” he asks quietly.
If I didn’t know better, I’d think he couldn’t be paying attention to me: eyes fixed on the moon, which is full like a plate, so distant, as if he’s imagining a different life up there; even his body is tilted away from me, like, really, I could burn him. But I do know him. I can’t get it out of my head: I can’t stop interpreting every little thing he does. It started as a pass-time, an excuse to steal glances at the handsome, quiet guy at work. Now, it’s obsessive. No-one knows him, watches him, like I do. No-one else has been with him like I have. There’s a calmness to this fact: in that way, he’s mine. That’s the only way.
Rust angles his head towards me, but he doesn’t look. Maybe I should be glad for it. “You were lonely in the summer, weren’t you? That’s why you wanted me then. Somethin’ to make you feel real.”
Every fibre of mine twitches to disagree with him, to defend myself, my actions—but there’s no way I could do anything without condemning myself. If attachment is a burden to Rust, then how disgusted will it make him when he uncovers just how much I really think about him?
“I don’t appreciate bein’ treated like this sheep you can herd into a pen.”
“I’m not tryin’—”
“Does the intention really matter if the action’s already taken effect?” he cuts off calmly, finally, with an accusing dart of his eyes to shut me up for good measure. When I grow silent again, he continues: “Quittin’ cigarettes doesn’t make a person into what you are right now. You value how people perceive you — that’s how you measure your worth, right? That’s not uncommon. But the way you act out—?” he clicks his tongue, “—well, I didn’t figure that out till later. The way you’re genuine only when you think it doesn’t matter. Makin’ small talk and smilin’ like you do. You’re a well-liked person, know that?” He pauses to take a lazy drag of his cigarette. “But then, when you think the stakes are high, you’re somethin’ different. Some changeling, vyin’ to get what you want, so cunning. Other people don’t see it, but I do. When your niceties stop bein’ second nature; when you have to think about it, plan, strategise. Like you’re almost a person but not quite anymore. Why is that?”
I blink at my shoes, brimming with confusion. For every word that leaves him, I try to scrub it clean to find any inclination of what he’s feeling, only to come away confused.
“I couldn’t blame you when you were drunk,” he confesses. “But I’m glad for this talk — true colours ‘n’ shit.”
What the fuck? My face sours into a dangerous scowl as my hard stare snaps up to bore into the side of his self-satisfied face. “You’re lookin’ to blame me?”
Rust stares off into the dark, shaking his head. “No. But I want to. I tell myself that the only reason you showed up at my door was ‘cause you were drunk and you were lonely. That you missed Brooklyn, or you missed your family. I was the next best thing to offer you comfort: this idea you had of me in your head. You thought, maybe, I’d want to take care of you. And to convince me to do that, you just had to take that first step o’ sleepin’ with me.” He exhales slowly, eyes fluttered shut, and his lithe fingers tremble around his cigarette. “That’s what you’re doin’ now, ain’t it? You’re tryin’ to get me because you’re lonely again, for whatever reason.”
Holy shit, he is one conceited bastard. “Have you ever considered I might just like you?” I hiss incredulously, eye twitching.
Rust tenses.
A dog barks alone in the neighbourhood over.
“Some things aren’t complicated at all,” I mumble, leaning back against the damp brick with a quivering sigh. “You wanna know what it was? I thought you were attractive and would never want to talk to me, so I didn’t. But I liked the way you talked behind my back — Johansson liked you for that, too. And I liked the way you tip at bars. And then, suddenly, people weren’t people. They were all shades of you. A guy smoked like you. And the precinct isn’t where I work; it’s where you work. It’s where I get to see you.”
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