#but idk if that'll be long enough
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i'm in a class about argument and persuasion and i have to write a 2000* word paper on any topic but it has to be an argument for one position or another. i've suddenly never had an opinion in my life. please help
*it's 3 papers actually. 2 are 1000–1500 words and the third is an extension of one of them to 2000–3000 words
#i have no idea what to write about#i kinda want to write about the silly argument twin and i have been having over thalia's name#but idk if that'll be long enough
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Ultratober days 4-7: most epic battle + favorite otp
#I'VE CAUGHT UP GRINS BIG#idk how long that'll last because hand hurts uhnmm 😭#ANYWAYYY I FEAR I ATE WITH THIS ONE SERVED EVEN#sorry for not rendering the gabv1 most of my time was used up for the other piece </3#u guys still get to see them cute tho so i hope that's enough GSJHEJDS#uno's art#ultrakill#ultratober#ultratober 2024#ultratober24#eyestrain#<- maybeee?#gabv1el
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It's uncanny how much the FNAF lore actually makes sense if you look at it through the eyes of TMA
#i finally finished the outline for my crossovee au btw#the magnus archives#tma#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#maybe i'll share the document later#though i know people used to get really weird if theories clashed so maybe not#i'm already working on writing it though#i hope i can share it soon#maybe i'll just post little tidbits on here while I work on it#because it takes me soooo long now to write a complete story#i have a story i started working on in 2020 that i just now finished revising and posted it to ao3#but anyways enough rambling in the tags#im so excited about this au#fnaf x tma crossover#that'll be the tag for it whenever i post about it#or maybe just#fnaf x tma#idk#william afton#michael afton#jonathan sims#the stranger#the stranger tma#the slaughter#the slaughter tma
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kinda sucks that fall is such a weird time in my life. same for winter tbh. getting closer and closer to my birthday also doesn't help because I feel like I'm walking in circles
#it always ends with me being on my own#and i don't know how to stop it#how to stop this aching and this stupid fear of fucking up and doing it in the end#the trying to beg for forgiveness and looking for something anything that'll stop this fucking ache#it feels like there is a hole where my heart should be. like everything good turns into dust as soon as i get too close#i know your 20s are rarely easy#but I've had enough. I'm not particularly strong or resourceful#i just want to be good and do good as long as i can. i want to try#i don't want to drive people away. not really. so thanks for everyone who's indulging my personal ramblings#I've been thinking about deleting my blog because... yeah idk#so uhm yeah. thanks for being here and for reblogging my stuff still#no matter if it's my writing or my moodboards or my web weavings#i see your tags and they mean a lot#alex talks
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pkmn ship week Days 1 and 2, Confession and Swap! i forgor this started on the 4th so i speedran these but they're not terrible at least :/
#i spent so long scrutinizing over the first one but i did try to allow myself to view them as good enough even with the imperfections#and i do like them both they look cute so mission accomplished#i hope you guys are ready for the crack ship i concocted trying to figure out what ships to do for this week that'll come late r:)#dendra pokemon#gym leader tulip#tulip pokemon#dendra x tulip#idk what their ship name is :(#trainer rosa#yancy pokemon#lightpinkshipping#pokemonshipweek2023#my art#traditional art#art fight always takes a lot out of me so these aren't too fancy :/ but they're here
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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Some sillies related to my purg crossover AU with Chara as the protagonist... only it's about the ppl at the other side of that world
#dash doodle#dash doodles#my art#spoilers#spoiler#idk ummm I'm not suure?? haha...#tell me if they are spoilies to u I WILL tag this#anyway I hope this tag is long enough to hide the info I'm about to input bc frankly I don't wanna be the party pooper that'll spoil anyone#poor quality art bc I'm tired#well not rly- uhh it's personal#ok I think I can tag now#Tumblr do NOT screw up the line up or I will find u#Arthur Morgan#Emilie Agreste#Ethan Winters#portgas d. ace#rebecca cyberpunk#rebecca#rdr arthur#sean maguire#sift heads keinji#sh keinji#crossover au
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gotta love it when the urge to resume making animatics which i've been holding back for 2 years springs back at me at the time of year when i need my brain cells the most
#and the hypothetical song the animatic would be made to is 2 and a half minutes long#which is not long but long enough for the rest of my life to be tossed around like stir-fry#also involving frames that i know for a fact i do not have the capability to draw#and also idk how i'm gonna put it together...? i don't know what style i'm going for either lol#watch it be another kinder surprise situation where it looks like it was done by a different person every 4 seconds#okay that'll be all for this edition of#milk guy rambles in tags#i need sleep#milk guy ramblings
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because today wasnt difficult enough to deal with already, paypal is now asking me to confirm my identity 🫠
#i mean its not difficult to do and they are reputable enough that i am comfortable (i think) sharing my ids and shit with them#but man this is still like. fuck off#and i dont wanna know how long they'll let me use the account or still accept money through it without me providing these so#just. fuck off. why cant i enjoy fucking anything today god#night is an absolute mess on main#..i also dont have my full first name attached to paypal so idk how well that'll go#fucking hate this ugh#i hate all of this
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I've never had an easel, mostly because I never really needed one until I started using acrylics, but I finally bought one for the first time! it's just a used table easel but I think that'll definitely be enough for now.
this has been the slowest buying process ever though lol. I first messaged this person two weeks ago, and now she's not at home until next week so I have to wait even longer until she can ship it.
on the one hand that's pretty frustrating (I want it now!!! 😭), but on the other I'm trying to stop spending money impulsively, and this has given me more than enough time to consider if I really need it. I also waited several months and sold a couple things specifically to buy it, so I think that's definitely progress. I just hope I'll actually use it as much as I'd like to.
#I mean. it's still a stupid idea to buy it now because we have no money. but I want to paint so so soooo badly and it's really#uncomfortable without an easel. my body sucks and starts hurting very easily so it's kind of a big deal 😐#idk I feel like this is a step forward and I'm improving and trying to get away from that 'I deserve a treat' mindset#because in the end it's all just crap that won't make me feel better long-term and end up in a landfill eventually#but buying one thing that I've wanted (/needed) for at least 6 months now and that'll actually make a big difference feels on#I compared and waited for one that was inexpensive enough that it felt ok#instead of just ordering one on amaz*n or whatever and getting it the next day just because I want it immediately#I'm way more excited about it than I would have been if I had done that too#so it's nice!#anyway this has been my regular tumblr therapy post lol#personal#*feels ok not on
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#i think i've hit some kind of limit#actually i hit some kind of limit a long while ago and never recovered#i feel like everything is in shambles and i don't know how i'm going to fix any of it#and sometimes i wonder what's the point in even trying#sometimes i feel i've got nothing left in me#and the crushing guilt and shame of that is just so much to deal with#i can't really function and i don't know how to get back up to a point where i can#i've tried my best but it isn't enough#i have more good moments now than i used to but progress is so hard to measure when you don't see concrete results#idk idk. i'm having a Bad Time and this week has been terrible on top of everything else#maybe i'll try to have dinner since i haven't managed to eat anything all day#maybe that'll help even just a little bit#personal#negative
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pulled aside by my father to watch a homophobic k&p sketch and just had to sit there like 😬 and then when i explained it was homophobic he was like "i fear for your sense of humor". christ alive
#look idk anything about k&p maybe they've gotten better. not the point#it's the one where there's a pop duo singing a love song to a crowd of women and one of them keeps coming onto the other guy despite him#being obviously uncomfortable for like. two minutes. and then when the queer guy gets too into it and starts singing about the other#artist's bald head he backpedals and starts singing about being cartoonishly straight#thats the whole thing#the joke is 1. gay guy can't catch a hint and makes straight guy uncomfortable by hitting on him or expressing interest in him#(classic homophobic joke. probably don't need to explain that)#2. when everyone realizes what's going on gay guy stumbles back into the closet in an over the top way#and when i pointed out point 1 to my dad he was like 'i fear for your sense of humor'#im gonna shit bricks#[father's first name] [father's last name] be fucking normal for one second challenge (possible but he's a proud asshole so he won't do it)#i spent so long haha yeahing my problems with what they did away that now whenever i challenge them even slightly and see that they#will not reflect and will not change it's wild. i explained why this was homophobic (less clearly than here but still) and he was like. :/#youre no fun. like ok i actually tried and it Is That Bad. sheeshhhh#the answer is probably to keep trying until they get it bc they think they like queer people but that's. a lot.#(they in this case = my parents. just switched into a broader rant without warning my b)#he rewound it when my mom came out and when it seemed like i was gonna leave too so like... idk what that was about but it feels very#'now that our gay kid's out of the room. cishet wife with a similar sense of humor to me do you think this is homophobic?' to me#and hey maybe that'll be productive and reflective but uh. historically speaking? probably not.#i feel like im not doing enough to make them less shitty or at leaat to stick up for me n my brothers so i gotta keep going and doing more#and theyre not the worst people ever really. so i should do my part so to speak. but man it fucking blows is all#they're so annoyingggg#also why does he talk like that who does that. i mean. i do. but it's bad when he does it#and they ARE capable of change. i had to argue for trans people existing years ago and now they act like that never happened#(granted i was arguing from a cis transmedicalist perspective back then but like. still. (i have grown since age 13 if you can believe it))#so theyre pro trans in a superficial kinda way. which is something. i just wish they'd acknowledge that they were wrong literally ever#it's happened once that i can think of. twas my dad#theyre like emotional and ideological brick walls it's insane#ugh. god gives his most frustrating softcore bigoted parents to his swaggiest gay transsexuals i guess#man what a post to be making soon after the daig o one. what a coincidence that that post materialized with no influence from my life haha
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officially (basically) finished my first watchthrough of the pokemon anime
(ignoring 3 movies but listen-)
i have to say i'm pretty surprised, considering how i expected to finish the whole thing in a year (and that was hopeful, looking at 1000+ eps and me with my limited time and focus lol), but hey! it took me 6 months and a half, start to end plus most movies and some side series (i'm not watching those pikachu shorts even if you paid me).
and what a journey it has been.
just watching all of ash's journey, from overconfident rookie with no clue about the outside world, to world champ who has travelled to 8 regions. having went from one stubborn electric mouse that didn't care about him to a good 90 pokemon. started with his mother being his only supporter to so many friends and rivals holding their breath, watching in anticipation of his last move (and giving him help along his road to the world championships, and congratulations at the end). it was a beautiful road, full of hidden treasures and bumps and tough times and rough times, but in the end he made it through! he finally became a champion of a region he loved with all of his heart, and carried that love and experience from all of his journeys to the world stage and pulled it off.
it took everything, and nothing was left to waste, and he did it. and man, if that isn't inspirational, than what is? sure, nothing is perfect, even the actual anime itself, and i can argue and point those out for a good long while, but at least for today i want to be happy. it's a good day, a pretty lucky day if you look at the Friday the 12th thing, and i had a great time watching this as blind as i can (with something as big as pokemon, you can never be fully blind unless you watched it while it was airing lol). had lots of laughs, angry screeching, pointing at screen in shock/surprise, nodding in agreement, and quite a few tears, but my original run is pretty much finito. i might try to watch the whole thing in sub and jot down notes for future fics, but in the meantime it has been stunning, amazing, spectacular. loved everyone and everything, yes even the bad, because in the end there are infinite possibilities, and it really is up to you where you find your future.
(but seriously, can you believe this all started bc he woke up late? talk about the pen problem heh)
what else can i say? it's been a great ride. there are no spoilers that can hurt me (except horizons, but i'll see how that goes). i can finally rank all seasons whenever and whatever, and for the most part i know most pokemon know (but not numbers, pls i'm not a computer). many fun times ahead, and for once i finished something very big very quickly without much regrets. a good series, a great show, and something i can get behind, once i got the momentum. live, love, laugh and idk catch them all <3
#idk man i just wanted to do(tm) something#and i'm super sad yet satisfied with the end#it makes sense y'know?#the story had to end but you know he'll keep going#and that's good enough for me#everyone that we know will keep going and that's life#they'll meet and talk and have fun and leave#but they'll always be in each others hearts and minds#and hey i mean ash has a phone now#for as long as he can keep it out of harms way lol#so they know where to get him even if they don't#i mean the whole thing is just about life and the paths you take#some of us have big dreams that'll take a while#some of us have small ones that will last forever#some of us will keep striving for improvement#and some of us will take small steps for the rest of our life#and others still will change their dreams#and some will use smaller dreams to accomplish the bigger ones#you can refocus or take a break or go for broke#there are so many ways to live life and i can't believe what ppl call a 'kids' show can say it so loud and clear#just.. pls if you can just watch pokeani#who cares about the games? who cares about the cool factor?#i mean who even cares about inaccuracies in the show itself?#it's beautiful and charming and it ropes you in#humor off the charts. can turn you into a faucet. teaches you life lessons like you're five#(and you will feel five with the wonder it will inspire)#idk it helped me tons with where i am today so i might as well give it forward#i forgot my pkmn tag for my watchthrough but yeah!!#silver.exe#my pkmn journey
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#he doesn't wanna acknowledge it but I think he really is tryin to rationalize somethin that happened to him not just the rest of us#i mean ofc in the physical sense it's the same anyway n it was before either one of us existed but#i........didn't think there was smth that he actually emotionally connects to like that#cause he's only ever mentioned 'what happened to us' as an entity that doesn't include him#n i guess i didn't wanna think someone who's been through that would go on to do it to someone else#but i mean i guess it makes sense#why he's so hell bent on ignoring the moral side of it. whatever happened did cause he wasn't strong enough to stop it#n the only way to keep himself from becomin a victim again is to always be the perpetrator instead#survival of the fittest#if you couldn't stop it you deserved it cause whoever's the strongest makes the rules#is that easier to accept than somethin just being _wrong_ n happening anyway? maybe#how the fuck do we unpack it though#it rly shouldn't be me it should be someone he can't coerce into takin part in his fucked up defense mechanisms but#but. idk. don't know how to go about buildin a rapport w/ him#especially cause if it's someone he can't physically intimidate he'll probably feel too vulnerable n just go full defense mode instead#i think someone he doesn't see as a threat but he can't manipulate either is.....pretty mutually exclusive#i.....wonder if he can't feel safe cause as long as he can do it to me it also means someone else could do it to him#it don't rly work like that cause it's cause of emotional manipulation now but. also.#maybe he doesn't consider himself as immune to that as we thought he did#he does have a pretty messed up understanding of things like autonomy n consent even wrt himself#if it doesn't go outside the role he plays n someone initiates i don't think he feels like it's up to him. it's just expected.#we've tried to get him to understand no one's gonna hurt him here. the worst that'll happen is bein restrained if he goes after someone else#which probably fucks w/ him even more cause he has no choice but to go along w/ it or be made to cooperate but#it's only when he's an active threat. it's self defense.#i think i'm onto something here cause rn sayin it'll only happen if he tries to hurt someone feels.....the same as shit like#this is only happening cause you're makin me do it#you wouldn't get hurt if you just did what you're told#all the. all the shit he's always tellin me to dodge accountability n make me feel like it's my own fault#goddamn fucking hell our psych literally just started her summer break it's over a month til our next appointment#spdrvent
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#my hair has gotten so long that men have started approaching me#I wasn't even wearing anything feminine today. how could they do that. how do they still have the audacity#stop talking to me in public I will scowl at you and be as unfriendly as possible <3#anyway I actually like my hair atm idk how to make myself only approachable for the gays and theys. but I need to figure it out soon#ohh but soon it will be warm enough to wear my hairy legs outside. maybe that'll help
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the les comm i want is coming even sooner than i expected because im eligible for an extra hundred dollars a month for 6 whole months
#mun;;#tbd;;#thats a lot of money#if i dont get skimped out of my money this month i will have enough right away.#i have a feeling i will be tho bc i reported the money i got for christmas ):#i just need to wait for the artists comms to open up again which idk how long that'll take but im hoping not long
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