#but idk I've been embarrassed? to post it
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I'm back with a tatsurinne doodle
#I haven't been finishing anythign lately jhgkddfvse#but I seem to have regained my ability to draw tatsumi so thats good#idk why I just love drawing rinne carrying him for some reason#tatsurinne#tatsurin#rintatsu#rinnetatsu#enstars#tatsumi kazehaya#rinne amagi#ensemble stars#fanart#my art#I also actually have a finished drawing that's been in my drafts on here for a few weeks now#but idk I've been embarrassed? to post it#we'll see if I do
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The more I think about it the more I adore Hawkeye laughing when Radar walks in on the flu shot in Carry on Hawkeye.
It's just such a delightful reaction. A lesser show might frame it as an embarrassing moment, maybe as comeuppance for his flirting, or just for humour. Hawkeye can make role reversal sex jokes but he wouldn't want anyone actually thinking it's something he does, that would actually be humiliating.
But no when Radar walks in and thinks he's interrupting some kind of sexual moment it's played like his dream punchline, the best possible thing that could've happened in that moment. Zero shame, zero embarrassment, nothing but appreciation for the comic timing. It's so much fun lol, god I love this episode.
#i've said it before but i also just love when the mash characters laugh at the jokes#and yk i feel like one way of describing the shifting vibe in later mash is that if they made the same joke it would've been#done to embarrass hawkeye rather than delight him#mash#marley on mash#hawkeye mash#mash s2#this is actually from deep in my drafts lol idk why i never posted it
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Part 1 Chapter 2 be like
#coloured doodle#digital art#fanart#crime and punishment#crime e castigo#raskolnikov#marmeladov#I'm posting a ton of CnP doodles now because these were all meant to be small doodles but spent a while really busy#so only now I've been able to get to the backburner#also this one was even older so Raskolnikov looks slightly different than I've been drawing him I think#also idk why I gave him a random neck tie thing back then idk I'm too lazy to erase it tho#I feel very embarrassed because I originally wrote the wrong part but some people already reblogged it so I shall kms promplty#Also I just casually swapped the image on the post because the speech bubble composition was bothering me#I love being able to edit posts on tumblr dot com <3
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I was really thinking about if I would ever be comfortable merging my art accounts and I don't think I will. At least not unless I did a full rebrand which I'd really rather not since I'm very happy with how things are situated now.
But I think it boils down to acceptance seeking. I've been socially isolated for a very long time and it's difficult. Even back when I first started drawing au stuff years ago, I contemplated making a separate blog for it because I knew how many ut fans didn't really like the aus. I didn't want to alienate any of the "audience" I'd already built but I also knew there would be a turning point I would just wind up barely posting on one account or the other and it would feel like trying to limp half the time on one leg and then limp the rest on the other, which would be pointless.
But with mirrorshipping (selfcest) being a much more universally contentious topic, I got worried it would only deter people even more. I certainly didn't want to lie about it, especially bc I don't associate it with prshipping the way some others do, so it's not really that im "ashamed" of it, or want to hide it, just that I know it's the kind of thing that's very likely to make some who just walked in turn right back around.
To some degree, as someone who hopes to one day make a career out of being an independent artist, it makes sense to prioritize "growth" over personal satisfaction, but on the other, I've always struggled to care about that sort of thing. Any time I've cared about "alienating" a potential "audience", it's always been more about personal acceptance. I don't want people to see one little aspect of myself or interests and judge me entirely based off of that, even though that's all anyone really can do on the internet. I don't take blocking personally, despite how the prior sentiment seems to contradict that, I get it, I block all the time too, for a variety of reasons. But if there's a chance there're others who don't really mind that I mirrorship, they just don't want to see it or have to block the tag, I don't want them to feel turned away or annoyed, and so I kept it all to a separate account.
There are a few other reasons I won't really get into, too, like how people often do associate it with prship, and how I don't really want to draw that type of a crowd to my main blog, either, but I know in my heart it's the acceptance/approval seeking that was the biggest motivator.
I really honestly wish I knew how to connect with others beyond just trying to "do things right" and hoping that earns me positive attention. I really wish I didn't always feel like my only chance at affection is to improve what I can offer in return.
#some sleep deprived introspection#will probably delete later I've just been feeling exceptionally isolated lately and thinking about it a lot#and for some reason posting about it despite it technically being something I would normally never do#let's get a round of applause for sleep deprived poor decision making 👍👏#or I guess not really poor just something that would embarrass more sane me#sorry about this man#not a vent btw just kinda musing out loud#or maybe I guess it is a vent bc it is still personal negative feelings in a way#I just mean in the sense I'm like. fine. just a little sad haha#sunny with clouds#cw selfcest#selfcest#selfcest ment#juuuust in case#I guess I also had a bit of an unusually uncertain response to my own interest bc I've never really shipped before At All. so like.#that made it feel even weirder and more out of place even to Me yk. idk
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How do you ask someone out with plausible deniability lmao like do you just ask them to dinner or something or is that too obvious ahskamskls
#not snz#this is so fucking embarrassing ahskakksl I'm never gonna recover#breaking my one and only rule of not trying to date my coworkers#AND HE'S NOT EVEN INTO ME 😭😭#idk idk there's just something about him#maybe it's still in my head bc he's been nice to me when I've been feeling like shit idk#i just like being around him so much but maybe that's my daddy issues AHDKAKZKA#idk#it's probably for the best if i just forget about it tho#i mean I'm really not super into the idea of physically having sex as it is and i think most people require that#someone tell me to drop it lmao I'm just being delusional about it at this point#fuck idk I'm just gonna sit here and think my thoughts#grounding myself until i can behave lmao#also I'm working tomorrow 😭😭#partner posting
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homophobic guy from supernatural who got dumped by his costars
#usually i try not to run into these kind of discourse but bruh.#the jarpad hate is comedic at this point. i mean how much would it hurt to simply look up something before commenting on it#like I'm getting second hand embarrassment from this post. i would do a lot of research on jarpad before making a post bout his “homophobia#idk may be verify some facts before posting#“people care bout jarpad.” why are you so shocked?#i could be meaner but i try to keep my blogspace hatefree and pleasant but I've had enough#actually if i were jarpad i would've been meaner to jackles on twitter. they are both adults and they've long resolved the issue#but bitches gotta whine over the only j2 public fallout(which has been dealt with and is 3 years old) they have at hand#the homophobic jarpad thing is kinda outdated haters please comeback with something factual#you should be ashamed of calling yourself a hater. now do i have to teach you how to hate properly with facts?#jared padalecki#anti jared hate#( i have nothing against phan or j2 or d/c )#but why u gotta tag it d/c tho. does the post have to do anything with it? you see this is another reason why i get mad#y'all need a manual for tagging#you could say “i never called myself a hater why are you making stuff up?” honey babydoll your post radiates that energy.#how else am i supposed to interpret your tags
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#brooo how do you join small fandoms that operate as established friend groups as a newcomer I've only been on the “establishing” end 😭#like toku//twt is so hostile save for certain mutual circles idk how to integrate myself anywhere#doesn't help that I've had no energy for drawing lately to maybe get ppl to interact first#maybe I should try do smth for the next gavv episode...#I would like to just talk to ppl directly but I've only watched 2 seasons and am shy. plus there's so many random rude ppl#that many accs limit replies anyway. fuck my stupid Baka life#I crave... human connection XO *dies of embarrassment*#I'll just try posting more w keywords for now#I don't wanna start too many new kr seasons if I can't discuss them w ppl while doing so cause the excitement is too much to be alone w#in the meantime I might pick up android kikaider after finishing w tho so I have smth to do#plus I've been meaning to get into showa era toku anyway that was like... the whole point originally#man this reminds me of how I need to interact w spg more too. I have so many cool spg moots I'm in a limbo between coexisting and wanting t#befriend#aauadhkf the mortifying ideal of being knownnn#psii.txt
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🙈
#I feel. like I get too worried about putting my stuff in the tags LOL#or just too worried about ants in general#but to be fair I've come from some really infested fandoms#where people got reported for this stuff so hard they were removed from the site#idk if tumblr changed it though. maybe they did. where if someone hit a certain number of reports on their account they got removed#whether they were breaking TOS or not#I think that could have been changed because I don't see it happen anymore#but the more I cared about this tumblr acc the more scared of that I got LOL#it's been super peaceful though???#this could just be because I blocked like half the fandom before posting anything here#but I haven't received any hate mail & haven't had any sort of callout like I was expecting#and I guess mallesil isn't really SUPER controversial#it's leaning off the gray area lately but it is still in the gray area#I just feel like I'm cheating with how easy it is to ''get away'' with having HEY I LIKE INCEST front and center on my pinned and all#when I've seen someone get reported off the map for making one singular post saying they don't mind people who ship child characters#and I've just gotten away with posting sooo many mallesil posts in the main tags lately I'm like huh??? Did I ever actually need to worry?#it's kind of embarrassing I guess having several things in my Posts That Do Not Go Into The Main Tags#that I'm just now realizing were probably totally fine to put out there lol#like damn maybe I can just talk about lilia kissing silver with tongue and get away with it????#anyway#while I am on the subject of things I am embarrassed about for no reason#I feel especially bad lately for not posting like ANYTHING about sebek or lilia most of the time lol#I made a point to draw all the twst characters at least once a while ago but I don't think I've actually drawn sebek more than that?#sorry sebek I love you sebek :(#sebesil is such a good ship and I just have absolutely zero passion for it I DON'T KNOW!!! It just isn't there for me!!!#I like it a lot I love all the ship art for it I like seeing it pop up in fics#but if you leave me to my own devices I'm. not going to think about them even a little probably lol...#I do think about mallesebe sometimes though. I wrote about them once for the request. they're so fun they're so awful#and yet. most of the thoughts I have for mallesebe I'm just like hrmmmm this could be mallesil instead#sorry again sebek I love you sebek 😭
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I do think twitter needs a small reminder that like. constantly bringing up drama and the horrible obnoxious people in your fanbase makes the obnoxiousness feel a million times worse than it probably actually is.
#qsmp#discourse question mark#idk im just saying I've seen dozens of posts talking about metagaming#i think maybe just... turn of chat#streamers should too#unless char is relevant!#no need to stress over people being idiots you know?#i also regularly see people now saying “this is why I'm embarrassed to be a part of the mcyt fandom#but like... I promise you the majority kf people are lovely#pls learn to use the block button#and care a little less#idk this isnt to say the obnoxiousness doesn't exist but its ALL I've been seeing people talk about and it just makes it feel... worse
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Having brain worms. What if uhhhhhh SOS Mianite au
#this is a fully undeveloped idea but it is simmering#initial thoughts. mog is so champion of ianite. fwip is dianite's.#I'm not convinced of who mianite's is yet but i feel like sausage is desperately vying for the role and getting repeatedly rejected#oli ends up as a reluctant ianitee. he was originally a dianite follower but dianite found him annoying and was a dick so oli ditched him.#ianite finds him funny and decides to pick him up and now he's trying very hard not to mess it up bc she actually respects him#joel would claim not to need any stupid god until he sees how much fun fwip is having causing problems on purpose with dianite and gives in.#his wife joining up with dianite probably also doesn't desuade him in that department#jimmy isn't particularly keen on any of them. he's off doing his own thing#katherine feels very classic mianitee to me.#I've got mixed feelings on Pix. i kind of feel like he should be on his own thing (priest? wizard? something like that)#if not he's ianitee i think. but it takes him awhile to commit#joey's dianitee. eloise feels ianitee to me. shubble probably mianitee.#is that everyone? i think that's everyone#idk if this would be a scenario where the world/plot was more based on mianite or sos honestly#maybe a healthy mix.#do we keep the death/fate coin element? idk idk maybe not? but it doesn't feel like sos without some hardcore element#gotta sit on it#this is the first time in a long time I've just done like straight up stream of consciousness brainstorming in the tags of a post huh#feels very 2020#OWEN I FORGOT OWEN. UH. i feel like he might help balance out the mianite team. i can't put it into worlds but it feels right#he's the type of guy that you look at and immediately think dianite and you're wrong#but i could be tempted to switch him and joey. cause joey did have the whole prison thing in sos which is very mianite#even if he's generally the most dianitee guy i have ever fucking seen#i. i also forgot scott.#embarrassing. I've been watching him the longest and he's the only one on this list I've actually written into mianite crossovers before#uhhhh anyways he feels very true neutral to me. he's another one who i feel like maybe he should be off doing his own thing#if not probably mianite#this is such a mess lmao#i had to put the idea down somewhere before my head exploded sorry
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I want to create. With this heart, this mind, this sensitive soul, I was made to be a creative; engineered before broken down for parts. And yet, I am without. Without words, movement, image, or sound. No painter's brush, no click-clack of a typewriter, no red light of a darkroom. I am bursting with want, but these fingers are frozen; this mind shrouded in a mist so bleak, I find myself unable to see the path ahead.
15/11/23: i'm in my feels. the irony of this post isn't lost on me, i'm just indulging myself.
#chatty lamps#tmi tag#i want to make things#i want it to be fun#i want to unpack some of the shit i have inside me under all of this emotional matting*#i want to make something meaningful. i want it to be recieved well. i want others to give a shit. i want to give a shit.#i want to feel proud. ugh that's so dramatic. ignore that#i put on a playlist thinking it would be background music to read to and yet here i am writing this silly post#no more emotional music! i'm being too honest. ew i'm gonna go and be embarrassed in my little corner#love y'all#*matting as in hair matting. i've been watching a lot of animal grooming vids and i guess i'm making a connection between the#relief the animal feels when they have thick matting removed to the feeling of catharsis when creating or something idk#i'm not always this emo. promise.
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wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.
#which still feels kind of insane and embarrassing since i didn't technically know her myself#(my alter did. i however barely interacted with her.)#but she knew me. she fucking knew me and saw me. i've talked about this in earlier posts but that's still the main thing that hits me.#i feel like nobody else has ever ever known me like she has. i've never felt that seen. and she loved me. she cared about me. she knew what#was underlying my outwards appearance and behaviors. she saw it and loved and cared for it. and because she knew it so well she didn't take#anything personally. (again. not douchey behaviors. just like... bragging for example. or being guarded. idk)#also there's so many things we relate on? felt like i could connect with her better. i think she and i would have been friends.#i dont know it's just#with everyone else it feels like a fucking obligatory social game i need to navigate#say the right things. act in the right ways. present yourself in ways they'll understand and interpret well. blah blah#i'm not even going anywhere with this i just miss her so bad and i'm fucking lonely and want to be seen like that again but i don't think#it can ever happen. because i got to be 100% myself but it was in a safe way and that's how she grew to know and love me#but it wasn't ME who made that decision to be vulnerable. and it was through a specific way that can't be done again because i'm here now a#an alter so it's guarded. and i can't be selfish and demanding and fully myself here because system morals are too strong for that.#even if the aforementioned thing COULD happen again. i haven't seen anyone who cares and understands and sees so deeply like she does.#it's just#i don't know#i just want to be myself and loved and seen for who i am.#but instead it always just feels like i'm having to navigate and manage social expectations and That's It.#maybe i just need to be friends with another narcissist. so i dont have to fucking mask anymore. only concern is if i'm actually being#myself - i have a high pitched voice and talk fast and talk a lot and am kinda obnoxious and high energy and#attention-seeking and dislike being alone and. yeah. that's annoying to the majority of people. which is why i am Not myself around anyone
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every time i experience attraction im like wow guess im attracted to ppl on a person by person basis bc there is no possible connection I can make between any of these ppl! and a couple months later I'll realise ohhh. I have a TYPE type.
#this artist on insta ive been a little parasocially obsessed with for the last idk four or five years posted new pics#I was like wow theyre so cool + hot.....then I realised actually theyre kinda like this other person im into. in both appearance + manner#dont get me wrong everyones unique theyre very different ppl.. but theres def some overlap in the specific things im drawn to#its interesting w my ex as well bc I found them attractive for a whole bunch of reasons + some of them still stand up#but when u know someone that well u also become very aware of things u find UNattractive and thats carried over too#like those patterns are just clearer now idk. much to think abt#posting these thoughts here bc it's too embarrassing to bring up with ppl irl.. + if they ask me to give examples theyll-#VERY quickly figure me out 💀 I'd rather they find out on my own terms + only if/once I know for sure whether she's interested or not 🙄#I'm not playing games with a margin of uncertainty that wide I've got bigger things to worry abt sorry#.diaries#anywayyy good morning!! hope everyones having a chill chewsday
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Okay before I ask the question I wanna ask I just wanna make one thing clear so yall don't judge me, I have ADHD okay so my brain is everywhere, one small thought will in fact lead to completely random unrelated shit that sometimes start a whole monologue, so don't ask me how I think of the stuff I ask about bc I don't know okay lmao.
So my random ass question of the day is something I need other opinions on, it's GoT related btw so let's imagine that there was another targaryen woman besides Daenerys and they were introduced pretty much at the same time and that other character had as much or maybe even a little more screentime than Dany, do yall think that this character would have been as popular in the media and between fans and as iconic as Dany or would she be overshadowed and kinda ignored.
#You see I've been having this debate in my head and I don't know anymore I think both options could happen#I'm embarrassed about posting this bc like it's so random but where else am I gonna post it#My brain will explode if I don't do it and continue to just think about it to myself#If yall judge me I will throw fists lmao#No idk how this came up like at all#Game of thrones#GoT#daenerys stormborn#daenerys targaryen#emilia clarke#house targaryen
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talked to my therapist today a little bit about how I'm having mixed feelings about starting a blog again because I got a couple bluesky notifications on posts and it made me happy and motivated me to write some blog post notes and I agreed with their comment that, Given The Circumstances, it's probably not cringe under any circumstances to find things that bring me joy and want to keep being alive, but I also feel like we breezed a little too quickly past my issue with realizing that I haven't been writing for all these years because I felt like I had nothing to say, but it turns out I actually have a lot of things to say, it's just really disheartening and exhausting to say things and have nobody hear you, and bluesky has been the first time in a long time where I felt like maybe potentially people wanted to hear what I have to say
to be fair to my therapist this was like the last two minutes of session
#my diary#they also made the incredibly fair point that a huge element of creation is communication#and obviously the idea of saying something at all is to be heard so of course I would want that#and idk man I've felt this way since long before the days of social media!!#the writing projects I've historically been most passionate about were the projects people were reading#and I know it's bad form as a creative person to admit that but like. yeah I'm posting things online because I want the attention#it's like the twitch/tiktok debacle all over again it's SO embarrassing to feel this way#to want something that is not necessarily socially unacceptable but definitely is kinda cheugy#and I feel the need to hedge and justify it like I don't wanna be famous for the sake of being famous#I don't even really want to be famous#I just want to be *noticed*#noticed and heard by people with curiosity or interest in the parts of myself that I put out there#I hate that that's cheugy I hate that it's cringe!!!!!!!!!!!!#I just wanna make stuff and show it to people who like it why does that feel so wrong!!!!!!#anyway um. I'm gonna try to force myself to blog again I think#as a 2025 new years resolution I think it would be good for me#I'm journaling again which has also been good for me (and a good warmup to writing regularly again)
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holy shit my worst fear just came true
#i accidentally plagarisrd. plagarzied. plagiarism idk- someone's thing#storytime#since i was a kid i've been terrified of like#doing something and then finding out someone else already did it#I've always been kinda a weird kid#i mean i've always been scared of someone being able to read my mind#so i did not allow myself to have thoughs I'd be embarrassed to say out loud#and bc i ofc know that's literally bullshit i went “yeah the plagiarism thing won't happrn”#then my own “i take advantage of the fact that i dream about whatever thing i'm interested in” thingy betrayed me#I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN this is why i have to stop using my phone when half asleep#i always end up internalizing whatever i see there#if u're seeing this (i saw the post u made about it and. sorry i laughed) then i am so so so sorry!!!#i mean i already apologized. but still. sorry!
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