#but i've only been full time since november so like barely a month

[guinevereslancelot]

currently hating and killing myself for leaving work early even tho i literally threw up within a minute of walking in the door when i got home

[thegreathomestuckreread]

maybe if i get all of this out of my head i will be able to relax to sleep. this is probably gonna be a little disjointed.

i just feel like the second half of this year my entire life just fucking imploded. i got covid for a second time in july and it's completely fucked me in precisely the ways i spent years screaming at everyone about. it feels like i'm paying with my life for everyone else's negligence, i never stopped masking and being careful and now i'm the one with long covid. i know that's not how the world works but it's just not fucking fair

i barely finished my summer contract with significant accommodation, i haven't worked since then (end of august), and now the dream position i was waiting all year for has opened for applications and i can't fucking do it. i can't do it. i don't have the energy

one of my uncles died suddenly and unexpectedly in november, he went in to have one if his kidneys out and fucking bled out from medical complications, and now another uncle is dying from three different types of cancer with less than a year to live, and that's with doing chemo, it's only two months without

it feels like my own parents' deaths are creeping up on me and i haven't even established myself as an independent adult and now it feels like i never will because the economy was making it hard enough when i was able to work and take care of myself but now i can't even fucking do either of those things

i'm hearing from my dad about how my cousins are taking care of my uncle while he's doing chemo and it terrifies me that i don't think i can do that for my parents if they end up needing it, i don't think i can take care of them if/when they need that and simultaneously in that situation i'm going to lose their care for me because i'm still very dependent on them

idk it just feels like the height of my life is over and everything i have to look forward to now is just scary bad shit, all these fucking huge terrifying things are looming over me in the future and i hate it. i have no idea how i'll survive after my parents are gone

and it's like. i need to fucking chill because i'm not alone. but i also don't have a very wide network to rely on and i'm terrified of needing to rely on that so heavily

and the worst worst WORST part of all of this! is the fucking isolation that comes with trying not to get sick again because FUCKING NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT COVID ANY MORE. i'm so fucking lonely and touch-starved but i can't do anything about it without risking my fucking life because no one cares any more

and like. okay. i know that everything i'm freaking out about is further off than it feels, and that with time i will learn more about my body and how to handle it and things will get easier for me. my mother has already assured me that her and my dad already have their own plans if they need care in their old age. and plans and supports for me and for my own independence and all that will come into place over time. and my parents very likely both have, at bare minimum, ten more years left in 'em, which is a long time. and i'm not alone. i'm not fucking alone in this. i know this

it's just too much. it's too much at once. and i miss my fucking partner. and their dog and their mom. and staying overnight at their place all the time. we talk all the time of course and we do phone calls and video calls but i haven't been able to see them physically in months. i miss going shopping by myself. i've needed to go buy new winter boots for months but i never have the fucking energy. it feels pointless anyway because it's not like i'm ever leaving the house for anything besides being ferried to medical appointments and back. i miss my fucking job working in the arts, and all the wonderful coworkers i would be working with in that new position if i could apply to it. i miss feeling like i had some idea of what the future might look like for me. i don't know any more. i didn't even have a detailed plan just start working full-time and move out of my parents' place. ideally in some fuzzy further future get married and have kids. like, none of this is like a precise plan, just very loose goals, but all of it. it's all gone now

i know things will get better and easier it's just. it's just a lot. and i'm still mourning everything i lost. and fucking angry that i'm even going through this when i am one of the only people who never stopped giving a fuck about covid. and looking around me and seeing still everywhere no one cares any more

ugh idk if this helped anything lol i'm probably just gonna have the same meltdown again in a couple weeks because that's my life now i guess

[gettothedancing]

This year is going to be so good :)

So I was off today, and we got several inches of snow last night. I was relieved to not be driving. When I texted good morning to my BF, he sent me pics showing his car stuck in a ditch. I immediately started getting ready to drive to him. (I've visited him for several months at his apartment close by, and I could see he had tried to take the hard way out of the parking lot. He has a very old car, so it was NOT ready to handle the snow.)

At first he said there was no need for me to get him. I was already on the road and redirected to get groceries. When I finished, I offered again to get him, and he accepted. He helped the tow truck guy while I played with his cat, and then I drove him to work. (Several others were late and they had been informed why he wasn't there.) We barely got to see each other, but it was so lucky that I was off and had a sturdier car to help get him to work. I'm going to be driving him to work for a few days until either the snow melts or the car can handle what remains.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning and reordering my house, as well as relaxing and reading.

I'm just in a great mood. Ever since our perfect Christmas visit, where he and his mom came to MI to meet all the family (except sister, but it's fine, there were legit reasons), I'm feeling less anxious about this new relationship. We connect on every level. It's great to be with someone who is truly committed to Christian Science, and specifically believes in the mission of Christian Science nursing (since he's literally had my job before).

I'm aware it's likely a honeymoon phase talking. But the thing is, we DID have a conflict before this trip. At 10 pm, getting back from a movie, he suddenly asked me to sit down and started telling me all the things he didn't like about me. And some of it did hurt my feelings. But I felt so calm. None of it was terribly unreasonable. I'm very aware of my own flaws, after all. None of it was a dealbreaker.

He felt very bad about one thing he had said, when I explained that there was an underlying medical issue he was unaware of that caused the effect he had noticed and disliked. Now he makes a point to compliment me on that thing, and has apologized for what he said. He's actually relieved that we can be blunt about negative things to each other and still work through it lovingly. He said none of his previous relationships would brook any criticism of themselves and he was afraid to ever be negative around them. Benefits of being with an engineer's daughter!

I love how serious he's always been about me, just like he is about his work and his family and everything. I truly believed that he could not be attracted to me because I'm overweight, and have been the whole time he's known me. I was even worried he had some fetish about that, but he assures me that this is not the case. We've talked about being engaged for some time already (for context, this relationship began on November 5th, so it's only 2 months old). But that has to wait for financial and immigration related reasons.

I still have problems, and I don't like everything about him. But I just feel full of hope for the future, specifically a future where I might actually get to be his fiancee, and then his wife, and then the mother of his kids <3

[misakarose]

happy new year!! 🎉 2024 was a rough one, but I'm holding out hope for 2025 to be a brighter time~

I'm gonna take a rare moment to be a little personal, cuz I'm not usually one to talk much about what's going on in my life, especially not here. but I need to put it down somewhere, and now's as good a time to do it as any, I suppose.

earlier this year, I believe it was around spring, my sister was diagnosed with ALS. technically, her symptoms started subtly about two years ago, and they didn't even present as obvious ALS signs, beginning as just bladder issues. but early this year, she started suffering from muscle weakness in her legs, and it only progressed from there. she stopped being able to work around the beginning of september, and although she was able to use a walker to get around for a while, she's no longer able to walk hardly at all, or really... do much of anything. she's lost almost all strength in her arms, legs, and hands, and can no longer take care of herself.

at the beginning of november, I quit my job to stay home full-time and take care of her, since my mom works full-time and my dad, although retired, was going into basketball season (he coaches) and wouldn't be able to be home all the time. so I've been her primary caregiver for the last two months. we all already lived together, so it wasn't a big deal.

it turned out to be a bigger deal than I was anticipating. it's been HARD. I have a newfound respect to those that work in the caregiving field. I was already doing a lot of caregiver stuff leading up to quitting my job, which is why I didn't think it'd be that big of a step to start doing it primarily, but I was wrong. everything is so stressful and emotional and physically taxing and my mental health has taken a nosedive. on top of everything, we've been having remodeling work done on our house to make it more accessible for my sister (mainly making our bathroom a lot bigger and widening doorways and building a ramp to get out of the house), and it's taken SO MUCH LONGER than we initially believed it would take. our house has been a MESS since august, it's been dusty and loud and we've had to move furniture around all over the place, and it's just taken a huge toll on all of us. we weren't even able to put up ANY of our usual christmas decorations other than our tree, although it had none of the usual colored lights (just white) and it had ZERO ornaments on it. we're huge christmas decorators, so to have a totally bare house was just... very depressing. we've been at each other's throats a lot, emotions have been hard to keep under control, and we've just been WAY in over our heads.

I've recently decided that keeping up the full-time caregiving thing is just not going to be sustainable for me. it's way too much, and I've been feeling really trapped and stressed and my depression and anxiety have been off the charts.

I've never lived on my own, I have always lived with my parents and at least one of my siblings my whole life. it's always been easier for me because of my anxiety issues, and money-wise it's always been cheaper than moving out would ever be. but I've come to the decision that I NEED to get out and learn how to properly start my life. I said in the beginning that I would be helping with my sister through the end of my dad's basketball season, which will be at least until early march, but after that... I'm planning on trying to move out for the first time in my life.

although my parents have told me that it's not my burden to bear and they're totally supportive of me getting out on my own, I still hate the feeling of leaving them to care for my sister on their own. I mean, obviously they'll have professional help, they'll get some kind of in-home nurse to help them, but it still feels like I'm... abandoning them? but I CAN'T keep going the way I am right now, I CAN'T stay trapped at home in my room forever, constantly stressing over the fact that I have NO LIFE. I live on my sister's clock and it's kind of driving me insane.

AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY. like SHE'S the one suffering from this awful disease right?? SHE'S the one who had her entire life screech to a halt. SHE NEEDS HELP AND NOW I'M SAYING IT'S TOO HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I FEEL TRAPPED??

like I KNOW my feelings are valid too, I KNOW I'm not necessarily the enemy and I need to take care of myself too. but... I dunno, it's just been a lot on my mind, especially in these last two months. I've already talked to my parents, I've already made the decision, I'm just... conflicted still.

so yeah... really hoping the new year can help me get a better hold on my own life, cuz 2024 really tore it apart. honestly? I don't know if I'm strong enough to actually make the changes that I want/need to make. there's a lot about the world that I am not knowledgeable about. but I NEED to try.

2025, please be kind to me. and my family. 🙏🏻

[inwintersolitude]

- November 18th 2024 -

A lot of my friends are unfollowing or unfriending those who agree with a different political party than them. Have you ever unfollowed or unfriended anyone over politics? Why or why not? I haven't unfollowed anyone over only politics, but I have unfollowed people who were being hateful or anti-human-rights because of their politics.

Do you trust in God? Why or why not? Nope, I don't believe in the existence of any sort of god/deity/etc.

What's the dumbest way you've been injured? Oh I've had lots of dumb injuries haha. I once got jet fuel sprayed up my nose and into my eyes and had to go to the ER to get it washed out (I was fueling a plane and the high pressure stream of fuel ricocheted off a tank tab and right up into my face). My bell pepper incident last year was pretty dumb, too... I was looking through a display of precariously-stacked bell peppers at the grocery store when several of them started to fall down. I tried to catch them, cut my finger on the plastic bin they were falling out of, and the cut got infected.

Do you believe fibromyalgia is a real disease? Why or why not? Yes absolutely. I've seen what it does to people and there's no doubt it's real. I follow a few people on social media who suffer from it and I've also watched videos on YouTube of doctors and researchers talking about it.

Has anyone in your family been diabetic? Nope.

When was the last time you can remember falling down the stairs, and what happened? Were you alone or was it in public? Share details! Sometime around 2012 or 2013. It was only a few stairs, though.  I was at home, going down the stairs, and simply lost my footing and slipped.

Do you wear earmuffs during the colder months? I prefer hats. I don't like how earmuffs look on me.

Do you know anyone who has the medical condition POTS? I have a working diagnosis of POTS. I've had it since my 4th covid booster in late 2022, and then it got worse after I had actual covid in June/July of this year, and that's when my cardiologist started to suspect that it's been POTS all along. I still need to do autonomic testing, though.

Do you know what the medical condition POTS is? Yep.  Basically a malfunctioning of the autonomic nervous system.  I just wish I didn't know firsthand lol.

Do you experience frequent tachycardia? It's not as frequent now that I started meds in February 2023, but I still get bad flare ups where my resting heart rate goes up to 130-150 bpm and I'm barely able to stand up. I've had to go to the ER a few times because of it since I also sometimes get random heart attack symptoms along with the tachycardia.

Have you been ignoring someone who has been trying to reach out to you? If so, why? Nope.

Do you agree or disagree with this quote: The only constant variable in my life is pain and suffering. I disagree.

If you celebrate Thanksgiving, have you ever been the one to cook the turkey? Yep.  I cooked a full Thanksgiving dinner a few times for just my husband and I, back when we lived in Virginia.  We didn't live near family, and with both of us working in aviation, we didn't always have enough time off work to travel over a holiday to go visit family.  So, I made a turkey and all the standard side dishes for just us to have at home together.

Do you pray every day? Why or why not? No. I'm an atheist.

Do you know anyone who has lupus? I don't think so.

List three emotions you've experienced in the past 24 hours. Happiness, apathy, gratitude.

When was the last time you went to Starbucks? About a month ago.  I got a tea latte on the way to the park.

When was the last time you baked scones? Years ago.

Do you decorate your home for fall? Yep, I always get an assortment of pumpkins to decorate the front porch.

Do you prefer ebooks or actual books? Actual books.

What does the last mug you drank out of look like? It's a light cream colored Mason Cash stoneware mug, with an embossed leaf/forest design all over the outside.  It's my favorite mug.

What is one thing you love about getting older? People finally treating me like the competent adult I am. I look quite a bit younger than my age and I went through my entire 20s having people (who don't know me well enough to know my age) treat me like I was a teenager, or maybe at best a college student. Some people were very condescending about it.

Do you post on Instagram frequently? Not really. I mostly use Instagram for my nature and drone photography, but ever since my POTS got worse, I oftentimes don't feel well enough to go on walks out in nature.

How many Instagram accounts do you have? Two, but one is pretty much abandoned. I started it in 2012 and haven't posted on it since about 2019.

What is your Instagram username (if you wish to share)? kel_m90

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Crazy to log back in after all this time especially after the way I left things. So much has changed and I'm nearly 2 years sober in November. My year long addiction such a central part of me now. Even with me never bothering to take it anymore, being in that state of mind for so long changed me in so many ways. In just a year at that

I've color coded the sections. It was too much of a wall of text. Orange is for work, pink for my boo, green for my life perspective now that im sober and older, the other colors... you'll see it when you get there. Just a summary of everything I've ever wanted to talk about in all this time.

I've quit that job I was talking bout last post. Worked there til mid April and I rage quit. Put my two weeks in then just ain't show for the last what.. 4 days? Fuck that job fr. Assholes worked me to death. How tf I was parttime and working 12 hour shifts back to back at that?

Anyway. I still work in the same field. I'm just at these retirement homes now. I work two at the moment, though one just offered me a new position up there so hopefully I can leave the one closest to me. Buttholes think I'm a robot up there.

The biggest change is thatt, I have a partner now. He's been here with me since late July. We've gotten an apartment now, too as of like 2 months ago now. I've never trusted anyone more.

How it all went down? I was friendly with his sister as she was the one that trained me. I used to talk to her alot which end up leading to me meeting her brother since he also worked up there and was constantly around his little sister. We ended up talking more than me and the sister did. He used to come out to the cafeteria i was running and talk to me for however long time allowed. Whether for an hour or for a few mins, he'd say hi to me.

After a lil while, led to her inviting me to her house. At my old job, in our 12 shift, we were really there for 14 hrs. They gave us an hour and a half break between the 1st and 2nd shift. With her only living 5 mins from the job it wasn't a hard ask lol. Sitting around at that job was not fun. I was by this point not feeling nothing towards my partner but friendship. Which was crazy cause a few days later, I went out there seeing if my dad was outside, only to see him outside waiting to pick up his sister. I was talking to him out in the rain for a lil, then i ofc got in the car to continue talking after a while. Sat there running my mouth for long enough that his sister came out. She had this devilishly big smile on her face when she said "oh I did invite you over"

That one trip led to coming over hanging out with her brother specifically, spending a night watching movies in her room, getting friendly with their mom. I started to feel so welcome. Then, I got a lil tipsy annd bumped my head and he pulled me towards him trying to see if I was okay annnd the rest was history. I ended up moving in, with their mother's push and my family pushing me away with how eager they were for me to gtfo. Barely talk to me now that im gone. Unless i reach out ofc. It's been ups, downs, but he somehow was there through all that.

I even got kicked out the house for "hitting" their mother. In reality, by that point, I was paying $250 a month for the room I shared with him, I paid for household supplies, I cleaned. Everything. So after a while, it was a bit tiring getting screamed at for any and every mistake I made. I had threw away pieces of this series x box and she told me take it out her trash and throw it in the outside. I grabbed as much as I could at the time as I had other pieces already in my hand but it wasn't good enough. She said to come get the rest and I was confused. I just said my hands are full and I went to throw the rest away. But me saying my hands were full was a problem. I don't know if I said it in a tone, I was tryna be as calm as I could, but it wasn't good enough.

She started yelling and talking shit, calling me names. All types of stuff. Me and him was just taking it. Not saying a single thing back, like she liked. But he threw his phone at the wall in frustration and I thought it was time to fix it. It wasn't that serious in my eyes. So I came up to her asking why she thought I had an attitude so we can fix it. I didn't have an attitude and even if I did, I still did what she asked with no hesitation. With two trips, I threw the whole box away and ripped it up just like she wanted to make sure it wouldn't take up too much room. But all that was null and void because of how she perceived my voice.

So in my failed attempts to get her to talk to me, she just getting angrier and angrier which made me frustrated. I just stood there asking again and again what did I do to make you think I had an attitude, her getting mad and saying she ain't have to explain herself to me, which I was trying to explain I wasn't trying to make her explain why she was mad I just wanted to know how I wronged you so I CAN FIX IT. And me standing there and her getting angry eventually led her to pointing a finger right in my face which I swatted away. It was reflex really. Was mere inches away from my eye and I never once touched her so why get physical?? I don't know what possessed her to even do that.

And me swatting her hand, was the worst decision ever. The mother started trying to swing at me, the sisters boyfriend that also lived there at that point was trying to hit me and my boyfriend jumped in and pulled me back. I couldn't focus on nothing anymore and the next thing I knew the sisters boyfriend came up to me and pushed me onto the bed. I was so scared I didn't know what he was going to do next and I started freaking out. I couldn't breath I couldn't think. I just felt so scared and helpless. I had to hear the rest after the fact

My boyfriend and his sister's boyfriend both got into a fight, the sister and the mother tried to break up. The mom got pushed down to the floor in the process (which was as I said, happened during the process of a whole fist fight between these grown men. You'll see why I clarify this), my boyfriend picked him up, and somehow someway, the sisters boyfriend went to go grab his gun. A gun that he apparently had at the house. It was an assault riffle

When he did that the whole atmosphere changed. No one was focused on the fight they were focused on him putting the gun up. Then they came to me and that's where my pov comes back. I was there on the bed curled up crying ripping out my hair, and my boyfriend standing over me just angry at everything. He just stood over me crying frustrated trying to get me breathe. Then the sister just stood over me, like I was an alien. I regretted even saying anything. I wondered if I should've just grabbed it all and just let it fall out my hands so she knew I wasn't being funny acting. I started to wonder if I was right to swat her hand or should I have let her touch me first before I did that. All these thoughts made me feel so powerless as none of those decisions should have led to this brawl.

The sisters boyfriend tried to play man of the house and talk shit and the sister just smiled. My boyfriend still hasn't forgiven her for it. He never looks at her the same anymore. It feels like I broke up the family. To. This. Day. The mom kicked me out and my boyfriend said fuck everyone and left with me. He helped me pack everything because the mom was telling me "my fatass needs to hurry up" and "sitting there like shit sweet" and smart comment after smart comment while I'm over there just bawling my eyes out. We went to his dad's house who asked for an explanation but once we explained, he respected that it was a huge blowup, and the dude pulling out a gun was bigger than all this.

Little did we know, the little bit of relief we felt being at his dad's house for the night would be short lived. The mom, sister, and her boyfriend were all going around calling up family to tell their twisted version of events. They said I hit mama and my partner pushed her to the ground. I felt like a mouse. The whole family hated me atp. But we spent a night at the dad's house, explained everything to everyone calling him and just kept on going. The sisters ended up believing us in saying they were kinda shocked to hear I'd hit their mom knowing how I am so they were more mad that they twisted the story and didn't even include the fact this man just pulled out a gun on their brother. We told everything as it happened so it helped our story alot

Anyway, we lived there for a few months, feeling trapped and stupid. His dad's house was filthy and we were working hard to pay rent at his dad's, find and apartment, and save for a deposit fee. We barely could eat because the kitchen was so nasty half the time you didn't know what you were touching. The silverware were half dirty, the fridge handle always had food remnants caked on it, food would be left out overnight and more, dishes there for days. Everything. This is all because his dad is half blind and his fiance works so she expects him to do all the cleaning. His cleaning skills are not the best but I can't fully blame him given his disability.

We were eating off fast food everyday for months because of this. We'd barely eat just because we hid rhe fact we were eating out where we could, so he wouldn't feel offense on why we wouldn't eat his and her food, and we kept it pushing.

We moved out in April annd things have gotten better in a sense. We argue way more but I think that's natural for how much more we get to be around each other. I don't work as long hours and we're in each other's face 24/7. But I get so angry. I don't know why. It's like I hold back so much, just angry talking at first, then he says something that makes me snap. Then, I'm screaming, throwing things, and I try to get away. It feels all instinct, like someone else is taking over. And all I can do is wait til I calm down and apologize for being scary. I don't hurt him. I never will. I've thrown my phone, broken countless bracelets off me, and I've scratched myself over and over trying to make myself focus on something else, but I've never thrown more than a pen directly at him. I feel so guilty everytime I do it. But I be feeling unheard in the moment and I just want it over with. To be left alone again.

But he holds onto me anyway. He sees me for more than just my blowups. He hates it and has asserted he won't take it forever, but he understands Im not used to love upclose. I'm the ex princess pill enjoyer. I went an entire year with an addiction only my sisters noticed. I've lost my two closest friends along with the whole robotics friend group I thought I'd have in an instant. I usually am one disagreement from losing someone, so I hold it in. But now, I have someone to learn to let it out for. Someone to learn to not blowup for. It's just hard.

I'm really trying though. I tried jumping out the car cause I was so mad and he just stopped the car and held me. Even though he was just as mad at me. We were arguing just a second before. Ever since then, that rage scares me. I'm not in control the way i thought I was. I would never jump out a moving fucking vehicle in my life. You can break your arm, scrape the skin right off you, knock yourself out. Anything. But I just felt this trance of I couldn't keep being in this car arguing and I started saying I couldn't do it and just opened the door. I don't know what I was thinking. I really wasn't thinking. But knowing that's a possibility, I just know I have to fix myself.

I've been doing better. I nowadays will just throw my phone and get mad and he'll just leave it instead of continuing like normal. Then once I calm down, we talk about why I got so mad, he explains why he was mad at me in the first place, and we're good. I hope someday I can skip on the rage part entirely but I've been doing better now that I have a moment to collect myself. Plus, I know no matter what argument, til the day he betrays my trust, I will always want him in my life and these petty arguments change nothing. He's shown me time and time again he loves me through everything so I will make sure I love him unconditionally too.

And that's where everything is now. I'm at work typing this now. I'm resisting the urge to impulsively quit. My boss just called me yesterday frustrated I don't pick up morning shifts last second trying to make it like I just don't want to work. I just don't think that's a humane ask. On your day off, would you want to be called awake at 6am to get up and IMMEDIATELY go to work? No. She'd give me a one day notice on morning shifts too and I'd say no, because I didn't want to cut the day short to go to bed for work. And that's a problem here.

I have a second job that's been great but the distance and pay wasn't the best. But they appreciate me, they've tried to fight for better pay, and the were sad I tried this job. Annnd crazily, I came back, did orders for a few days, and they offered me a part time receptionist while doing orders too. Giving me damn near full time hours. Like FINALLYYYY I'm not waiting on random shifts to make my money. I can just come in and do the same work everyday.

It's not confirmed til Monday but, soon as it's confirmed. I'm outttt

Life doesn't get better, it just changes. If anything it gets worse. Seriously. I've wanted to die all the time lately. It's just a new hurt. You can't ever escape it. In a way, it's harder and easier. On the one hand, you have a different type of worth now. Once you move out, youre not just parents burden, you become your own burden. So that constant guilt I used to feel is gone. I don't ask for help no matter what. I even hate gifts from them now. I feel like they use that as their way to have something to say about what I'm doing. But you burdening yourself also stings cause you have to drag yourself to shit you don't want ALLLLLLL THE TIMEEE. Don't want to go to work? Call in sick? Don't have any sick hours? Call in with an emergency. Gotta do what uou gotta do. I'm not proud of it. But even then... you have to be socially aware of everyone's opinion of your actions. Or, you choosing yourself too many times will make you lose a job, get played at your job, or fuck you over come time to pay everything. It's such a big sacrifice to choose yourself now.

That's just true in general when you get out the house. That's what makes it so difficult.. I barely was choosing myself before. But now? There's no one else but you. If you don't go out to make yourself some money, you'll make yourself miserable worrying about food, bills, and keeping a roof over your head. But some days you argue right before work. Some days you want to end it and you don't want to to think about nothing else. But I have to think, if I fail this time, what's gonna happen? If you try it, and you fail, what are you going to do? Are you gonna be able to afford copays on your hospital stay? Are you gonna be able to get back to work if need be? Are you gonna be able to be in others faces right after that happened to you? Is there even going to be a job waiting on you by the time you recover?

I'm more scared of the day I'll attempt now. If I attempt now, I'll fuck over my partner. I wonder how he'd take it. I'd probably break him. Even though I regularly tell him I want to die to this day, he'll never feel the full weight til he sees how serious it gets for me. I don't want to take away his character showing him that. I'll break up and do it before I sneak off and do something like that now. I know that would hurt him still. But even before him, it's just harder on me making that decision.

I'm still open to it though. Thus far, this life shit still sucks. The work life balance is just gone in America. Unless you're making top dollar, buying a house, regularly vacationing, and having money to properly invest in your hobbies, you're just sitting around on you butt/doing chores/getting business handled. You've always had to work for your money but nowadays uou need to hoard this nonexistent extra money just to do anything. It's so dull. I already didn't want to do this and now I'm bored to death half the time. Great!!!1!11!!! (I've developed a tiktok addiction now. It's an instict for me to get on as soon as I'm not doing anything. I can't stand to be bored for one second 😶‍🌫️)

Anywaysss. That's it. I'm alive, I'm the same, but with a boyfriend now. I have the same brain from way back when I was daily posting on here. There's just more stuff chaining me down to this world. If you read all this thank you. I hope you feel seen. I know it's not easy out here

...and to the people that didn't read. Yea. I get it 😅

[gible-love-nibles-archive]

The Start of Team Soup (pt. 3)

So. It's been almost two months since I've done any writing. Oops. Yeah, I didn't really do any in October and I only really started working on this in November. My job has been unexpectedly super draining on my creative juices! So I focused in on just one project to work on, and that ended up being the PMD AU. I definitely want to work on other things I have on the back burner, but I think for now, get used to seeing these funky little critters.

Word Count: 3.1k

Taglist: @crickiss @heart-of-aspiration @halsdaisy @sifeas @jocelynships @imaginemyshipswithme @keyblade-ships @wooboomoomoo @seahydra [If you want to added or removed, tell me in a comment or tag!]

(Please reblog! I like reading tags :])

That night… Clare had a strange dream.

She was in a multicolored space, sleeping but she could still sense everything around her.

“... ... … … … … Where… am I…?  This… is a dream, right…?”

Suddenly, Clare could sense someone else with her.  But they were very faint.

“Hello?  Who are you?  Do I know you?  Should I know you?”

They attempted to speak, but it was barely audible with how far away they were and how soft their voice was.

And already Clare was beginning to wake up.

…

The Chikorita sat up in her bed.

“I dreamt something,” she muttered to herself.  “But I can’t remember what it was about…”  She stared at the basket full of Apples and berries for a while.  Finally, she shook her head.  “I shouldn’t be worrying about that right now,” she internally decided.  “Let’s just worry about rescue work for now.”

She went outside to check her Mailbox.  She found it was void of anything new, so she decided to read the newspaper Giovanni was telling her about yesterday.

“You’re up early.”  Peering over the paper, Clare found Giovanni looking at her with a small smile. “Anything in the Mailbox?”

“Nope.”

The Squirtle sighed. “Yeah, I kinda figured… We’re still really new to this.” Then he perked up. “Hey, why not head to Pokemon Square?  It’s a super helpful hub for rescue teams, and the Pelipper Post Office usually has jobs posted outside.”

With no better ideas, Clare followed behind Giovanni.

…

Luckily, the Square wasn’t far at all.  They followed a short path and crossed a small wooden bridge over a creek.  Giovanni pointed out all the different shops: two Kecleon ran the item shop (one sold general items, and the other sold Orbs and Technical Machines), Persian ran the bank, Gulpin ran the Link Shop—

“Link Shop?”

“Gulpin can link moves together.  If moves are linked, you can use them at the same time!  Just, ask Gulpin if you wanna know more; he explains it better than me.”

Kangaskhan ran a storage shop.  

“If you store any items with Ms. Kangaskhan, they’ll never get lost!  It’s super important that we store any items we don’t want to lose with her in case we faint.”

And finally, Makuhita ran the dojo.

“He can help train us or teach us about stuff in dungeons.”  

As Giovanni and Clare came back to the town center, he noticed the Chikorita’s eyes darting away from others and using her leaf to hide her face. “Everyone’s super nice here; don’t be so nervous!  They just want to help.” 

He then started down the east road, Clare following behind. “And down here’s the Pelipper Post Office.  They’re super up-to-date on rescue information.  We should be able to get some jobs on the bulletin board.” Giovanni began to pluck off some papers from the board.  

“…What do you think we should do about the grass?”  Clare finally piped up.

“What grass?”

“The dead grass in front of our base.  We should probably start thinking about fixing up the whole base, yeah?  We can start small with the grass.”

“Hm… Good point.  Why don’t we focus on that today instead of a job?”

That was how the team spent the next few days, alternating between repair of their base and rescue offers.  It kept them both busy, and it kept Clare’s mind off her strange dreams.

…

One morning, when Clare came out of her house with Giovanni greeting her, the earth began to shake under their feet.

“Eh?”

“What’s going on?!”

They both whipped their heads around to the sound of someone popping out of the dirt.

“Tunnel over here!”

Pop!

“Tunnel over there!”

Pop!

“Tunnels everywhere!  Woohoo!  Digging is so much fun!” The new arrival-- a Diglett-- cheered and giggled to himself before looking around.  “Err, umm… wait, where am I?”

“False alarm,” Giovanni sighed. “No real quakes; just a kid having a blast.”

Diglett whirled around, looking bashful. “Oh my!  My apologies!  My name is Diglett.  I was digging holes around the Pelipper Post Office, so much so that I kept digging all the way here!  I’m sorry I ruined your nice place!”

Clare chuckled. “Frankly, it can’t get much worse.  Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you saying you forgive me?” The Ground type’s eyes sparkled.

“Yup.  Just be careful; most people won’t appreciate holes around their properties.  Try not to dig too many, ok Diglett?”

“Of course!  Thank you!  I’ll still have fun digging, but I’ll make sure to patch up the holes from time to time!  Bye-bye!” With that, Diglett dug back down into the hole and disappeared.

“He said that he was digging holes around the Pelipper Post Office.  I bet we could get there with this hole now without going through town!” Giovanni jumped in with no hesitation.

“…I’m slightly concerned that you did that with no prodding whatsoever.”

…

Another strange dream.  The same multicolored space.

“… … … … … …Back here again.”

Clare sensed another presence.  The same one from the last dream.  Whoever they were, they were a bit closer this time.

They tried to speak.  It was possible to hear them this time, but they were still quiet and unclear.  Clare strained to listen.

“Hello?  Hello?  Can you speak up please?”

Then, the ground rumbled.

“An earthquake?  In my dream?”

The ground shook louder and more intensely.  

“Oh jeez—!  This feels pretty real for a dream.”

The presence vanished, but Clare was too occupied by the ground to notice.

…

When the Chikorita woke up the next morning, she knew her first course of action was asking Giovanni about the ground shaking.  If it was real, he would’ve had to feel it too.  She stretched out on her bed.

“Uhh… hello?”

Clare jolted up.  Was there someone in the house?  A quick look around revealed no one.

“Um, hello?  You are Clare… correct?”

She stepped out of her bed and looked around again.  Still, no one.

“Are… you a ghost?”

“Oh!  You can’t see us, of course!  How very rude of us!” Clare yelped as a Dugtrio burst out of the ground right underneath her feet; she was thrown back a bit onto her bed. “We’re pleased to meet you.  We are Dugtrio.”

“…Charmed.”

“Last night, during the earthquake, our child Diglett was attacked!”

“What?  Diglett?  Attacked?”

“Yes!  He was whisked away to the peak of a tall mountain.  We couldn’t possibly climb somewhere so high up.  That is why we must call upon your help, Clare.  Diglett was abducted by a Pokemon named Skarmory.”

Clare shivered.  If the name was anything to go by, this Pokemon would not be pleasant.

“It’s a vilely vicious ruffian!” Dugtrio continued, absolutely not calming Clare’s nerves. “Please do be careful.  We need your help!  We must go!” And with that, Dugtrio burrowed into the floor, leaving no hole behind.

.........That was so fast, the Grass type barely had the chance to rub the sleep out of her eyes.  But Diglett being kidnapped was much more concerning.  She had to tell Giovanni immediately: they had a rescue mission.

She darted outside, and Giovanni wasn’t too far behind from the left path. “Mornin’!” He greeted her cheerfully.

“Dude.  We’ve gotta go now.  We’ve got a real-deal rescue mission.”

“Woah, woah, slow down; you just came outside.  What do you mean we have a rescue mission?  …I mean, that’s great!  But—”

“Yes, it’s true!” A voice came from below.  Dugtrio burst out of the ground, and Team Soup was flung backwards. “Our child Diglett was kidnapped!  He was taken to Mt. Steel’s summit!  Please, we need your help!  Bye-bye!” Then the Ground-type went back down, leaving a map behind.

Giovanni blinked at his rescue partner. “Alright.  I see what happened now.” A pause. “Wait, Diglett was the kid digging holes around here the other day!”

“Exactly!  We gotta go help him!”

“Mt. Steel doesn’t sound real nice though…”

“Rescue team work isn’t always parades and parties; now, c’mon!!”

…

The two stood across from the menacing cave opening of Mt. Steel.  They couldn’t see inside at all.

“Here we are,” Clare said simply. “Dugtrio said Diglett was whisked up to the peak of this mountain.”

“That’s right!” A voice from underground jolted the two rescuers for a moment.

“Dugtrio?!  You followed us all the way out here?  Without telling us?” Giovanni cried.

“Indeed!” The three-headed (three-bodied?) Pokemon emerged violently from the ground, startling the rescue team again. “The peak is the ninth floor!  Thank you for helping!  Farewell!” He descended as quickly as he came up.

“Er… It’s no problem at all, Dugtrio.”

The two rescuers looked at each other, and nodded.  They both knew what had to be done.

Mt. Steel was the biggest challenge Team Soup had faced thus far.  The first few floors weren't so bad, but the climb only became more treacherous as the pair went up.  The enemies were tougher, but that meant Clare and Giovanni also got stronger in the process.  They even learned some new moves (though Giovanni wasn't thrilled about his move only raising his defense while Clare's was poisoning other Pokemon).

...

“...What's our strategy for Skarmory?” The Chikorita asked when they had a little room to breathe.

“What do you mean?”

“Giovanni, Skarmory's a Steel and Flying type.  We're at a huge disadvantage here.” Giovanni started to open his mouth to respond. “And before you say, 'Oh, then we'll just hit him as hard as we can', almost all of our moves won't be very effective.”

The Squirtle clamped his mouth closed, looking annoyed that he was read so easily.  Then he put a hand to his chin. “Then how about... we POISON him?!” A devious grin flourished on his face.

“Can't.  Steel types can't be poisoned.” And it immediately fell off his face. “Our best bet is probably using the items we've collected.  We can try to talk him down, but I get the feeling he won't be very chatty.”

“Hey!  No matter what, we got this!  We've not failed a single mission, and we're not about to start now!”

Clare smiled at Giovanni's optimism.  It put her a bit more at ease, even as they were climbing up to the summit.

...

The wind whipped around sharply at the top of Mt. Steel, and the near completely flat ground provided no cover.  Square-cut rocks shined like metal in the sun.

“Clare, look!  Diglett's over there!” The little Ground-type was secluded on a small ledge, which seemed to be Skarmory's perch. “Hey, are you alright out there?” Giovanni cried out over the wind. “We're here to rescue you, kid!”

“I... I'm scared...” Diglett whimpered.

Suddenly, something shot up from the chasm between Team Soup and Diglett.  The rescue team jumped back in surprise as it zipped down to the ledge just as quickly.

This Pokemon was a sleek metallic gray with crimson wings and sharp yellow eyes.  

Skarmory.

“You!  What do you think you're doing here?!”

“Uh, I just said what we're doing here.” The Squirtle said indignantly. “We're here to rescue Diglett!”

“Skarmory, let him go.” Clare stepped up, trying not to let Giovanni agitate Skarmory further. “Diglett's done nothing wrong.”

“How can you believe that?!  This is all their fault!  I haven't slept in days because the earthquakes frighten me so!  Every night we have them!  And it's all because of that brat's ilk running around underground!”

“Well, you're not wrong about the earthquakes; there have been quite a lot.  But it would take more than one Diglett to cause something as big as an earthquake, especially if it can be felt all the way up here.”

“You be quiet!  We'll fight if you keep that up!”

“It's no use.  Skarmory's too angry to listen to us.”

“We'll have to fight it out!” Giovanni got into a fighting pose alongside Clare.

Skarmory let out a shrill cry at the two and the battle began.

Skarmory wasted no time in closing the distance between them, and proceeded to slash and peck at the two with his talons and beak.  The two retaliated with their own elemental attacks.  Giovanni was mostly successful at taking a brunt of the damage thanks to Withdraw.  But with Skarmory using Leer to lower his Defense back down, the combatants were at a stalemate.

Clare kept the team healthy with Oran Berries from their supplies, but they only had two left now.  They had to switch strategies and fast.

What did they have?  Pecha Berries, Cheri Berries, Blast Seeds... That's it!

"Gio, catch!" Clare called out to her partner as she threw a Blast Seed towards him.  The Squirtle caught it and didn't hesitate on shoving it into his mouth.

His face quickly contorted into wide-eyed shock as he covered his mouth with his hands.  Skarmory paused for a moment in confusion.  But that was just the hesitation the team needed; the Steel-Flying type got blasted in the face from an explosion from Giovanni's mouth.

Skarmory screeched and stumbled back.  From that and the team's other attacks, it looked like he had been beaten. ”Grrr... I can't keep up!  I'll flee for now!“ The steel bird shot up into the sky once more, crookedly flying away.

It was quiet for a bit before Clare let out a little laugh. “We did it Gio, we did it!!”

“Hey Clare,” The Water-type breathed heavily. “Could you do me a little favor and WARN me next time you DO THAT?!”

”Oh.  Yeah.” Now that feeling of pride was pushed down by embarrassment. “Sorry about that; it was the only thing I could think of.“

”...Eh, it's alright.  I get it.  Water under the bridge.  Now let's worry about Diglett.”

The pair walked to the edge of the chasm.  Clare looked down for a moment, but quickly shot her head back up. “I can’t see the bottom,” she noted with a scared strain in her voice.

“How do you think we should do this?” Giovanni asked, seemingly oblivious to Clare’s fright.  He put a hand up to his chin in thought, then pounded one fist into his palm with a smile. “You can use your vines to stretch me across the gap and I can grab Diglett from there!  Then you’d just reel us back in.”

“...I don’t have vines.”

“...You, should have vines.  Don’t Grass-types usually have vines?”

“Sure, but not all of them.  And I’m pretty sure I’m one without vines.”

There was a long pause.

“Oh Arceus, what are we gonna do.”

An electronic sound from above caught the pair’s attention.  Looking up, two Magnemite were floating down to them.

“BZBZBZZ!”

“Oh, hey!  You’re the Magnemite from Thunderwave Cave!” Clare tilted her head as the Steel/Electric pair drifted closer. “What are you doing here?”

“WE HEARD WORD OF THIS.  WE CAN RESCUE DIGLETT FROM THE SKY.  BZBZBZZ!”

“With… your magnets?  What would he grab onto?  Can he grab on?” The Squirtle quietly talked to himself as the Magnemite flew over the opposite side of the cliff and approached Diglett.

“HOLD ON TO US TIGHT.” “DON’T BE SCARED.  WE WON’T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ZAPPING YOU.”

“Oh… Alright…” It seemed the poor kid had been frozen with fright the whole time.  But now with the helpful Magnemite, his nerves calmed a bit.

…

“Ohhh… I was very scared.  Maybe because I was up somewhere so high… My feet feel like they’re still walking on air.”

The whole party had descended down the mountain and were huddled outside Team Soup’s rescue base.

Giovanni glanced sideways to Clare with squinted eyes. “...Feet?” He whispered.  The Grass-type just shrugged.

“HE HAS THEM?  FEET?” The Magnemite attempted to whisper to each other.

“Well, you’re safe and that’s what really matters,” Clare said to the little Ground-type, trying to steer the conversation away from appendages that may or may not exist.

“Yeah!  Thank you very much.”

“Oh, you’ve been rescued!  Great!  Great!”

Everyone paused and whirled around themselves, trying to find this new mystery voice.

“HM?  WHAT WAS THAT?” “AM I HEARING VOICES?”

“...Dugtrio?” The Squirtle asked to the ground.

“Whoops!  You can’t see us?  That’s terribly rude of us!” As predicted, Dugtrio erupted from the earth right next to Giovanni, making him shriek, jump, and nearly crash into Clare. “Hello.  Dugtrio here.”

“Oh!  Papa!” Diglett chirped.

“Diglett!  You had us worried!  You’re not hurt?”

“Nope!  It was scary, but I’m all right.  It’s all thanks to Clare’s team.”

“Thank you for everything.  You’re heroes.”

“Thank you, but… You should really be thanking the Magnemite.  This rescue would have been impossible without them.” Clare flicked her leaf towards them.

Dugtrio turned to the pair of Steel-Electric types. “Oh, how rude of us!  Thank you so much!”

“NO, NO.  IT WAS THE ONLY THING TO DO.  AND… HOW BOTH OUR EVOLVED FORMS ARE JOINED TRIOS… I FELT A CERTAIN KINSHIP.  AFTER ALL, POKEMON MUST HELP EACH OTHER.”

“I’m impressed.  Sincerely, thank you.” Dugtrio then looked back at Team Soup. “We must be going.  Clare.  Giovanni.  Thank you.  Farewell!”

“Bye!” 

With Diglett’s final goodbye, the two Ground-types buried under the soil and zoomed off, leaving behind a few rewards for the rescue team.

“WE’LL BE ON OUR WAY TOO.” Magnemite said.

“Wait, wait, wait; hold on a sec, you two!” Giovanni stepped in front of the two.

“WHAT IS IT?”

“Well, I’ve been standing here thinking we couldn’t have done that last mission without you guys.  And we’re probably going to need help like that again.”

“To put it in a less long-winded way: Would you like to join our team?” Clare didn’t fail to notice her partner’s unamused side eye.

“JOIN YOUR TEAM?”

“Yes.  We’d love to have you with us.  O-Only if you want to, of course!  We won’t force you or anything.”

“RESCUE TEAM… THAT SOUNDS FUN!” The Magnemite on the left’s magnets buzzed with excitement. 

“BUT… IF YOU NEED US TO RUSH OVER TO RESCUES… WE NEED SOMEWHERE TO LIVE CLOSE BY.  IS THERE ANYWHERE WE CAN LIVE IN THIS AREA?” The Magnemite on the right tilted itself at an angle.

“Er… Well…” The Squirtle scratched the back of his head.

“OH… THERE ISN’T… TOO BAD.  SORRY, BUT WE CAN’T JOIN YOU.  SEE YOU!” Their magnets continued to buzz as the pair left.

“Well, that’s a shame,” Clare said with a sigh. “But they’re right.  Team members should live close by so they can leave quickly or we can contact them easily.”

“Then we need to find some real estate that we can use!  Then we can start recruiting.”

“How are we gonna do that?”

Giovanni thought about it for a moment, then gained a wide grin and started pushing the Chikorita towards her house. “Let me worry about that!  You just get some rest tonight.”

“...Could you try and sound less suspicious when you say that?”

But he was already running off. “See ya tomorrow!”

Clare just huffed.

[kitekki-khaos]

A Year of Khaos: 2023 Review

Welp. 2023 is officially over and we're onto another year. I wanted to put together some kind of year in review thing and since I didn't get a chance to do it during my final stream of the year, I thought I'd just put it all together into a blog post. So here's an overall look at the year:

2023 was my "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks" year in an attempt to really feel out what I wanted to do with streaming. So my plan was to pick a Thing for each month, really go all-in on it for the month, and make something focused around that by the end. Then change for the next month, rinse and repeat.

I've always been a Jack-of-all-Trades, which is as much a blessing as it is a curse. I CAN do just about anything if I decide I want to do it, but that also means there's no One Thing I'm really good at. The only One Thing I have is something that's borderline impossible to stream, which is writing. So... Project Year. Try everything, see what sticks.

So I present, the various skills I attempted to build throughout the year and the final product they produced:

Projects Completed:

January: Fashion Design - Ironmouse Outfit Contest Entry

(List continues under Read More)

February: Blender - New VNyan Throwables

March: Variety Streaming - Trying different Stream Categories

April: Game Development - Ludum Dare

May: Sewing - Summer Wardrobe

(horrible failure, just ended up making things in blender, instead)

June: Traditional Painting - Minis

July: Minecraft Redstone - Basics

August: Minecraft Map Building - Halloween Adventure Map

September: Stickermaking - Sticker Chat Banner

October: Dance / MMD - Halloween Transition & Halloween Stream

November: NaNoWriMo - WIP

December: Thankmas & 3-Year Debut Anniversary - Charity Streams and 3.0 Reveal

In addition to the projects I was working on throughout the year, I was also working on the 3.0 model at the same time. Throughout the entire year. Which, I came to realize was kind of a mistake trying to do both. I just barely got the model done in time because my time was so heavily split between so many things. Especially when you add that I was ALSO still editing videos for Youtube all the way until September. (which was a full 12-hour day, twice a week) So I was working on completely rebuilding my models from scratch in a program I was wildly unfamiliar with (blender), doing a new project every month, streaming 3x's a week (usually upwards of 6 hours), AND editing 12-hours a day twice a week to post 2 videos and 2 shorts every week.

It was... a lot.

Last year was a lot.

Too much. Even for me.

There were even a few more things on the list that I wanted to try out this year, but ended up not being able to figure out how to stream it. Baking, for example.

But I'm hoping to find something I can really focus on for the coming year and lessen at least some of my constant uncertainty about what I'm doing with life. And maybe ease up on the work, in general. If I was awake, I was working last year. I was so burnt out and exhausted by the time December rolled around, I had no energy left for my biggest event of the year. Honestly, I'm still exhausted. I wanted to get this post out ages ago but I just had no energy to write it.

I need to ease up a bit next year. Figure out what I actually want to do. But I feel like I have a slightly better handle. Maybe.

We'll see how it goes.

As a final note, here's a list of every game I played throughout 2023, which was honestly a lot. I try to finish as many games as I can, especially the horror games, with the exception of co-op games or sims. Some unfinished games (like Hollow Knight and A Hat in Time) I plan to finish at some point. Others, like Digimon Survive, I've decided to drop for good. Whereas yet others, I'll probably finish on my own as an off-stream game. (Slime Rancher 2 I'll probably play by myself but I've played through Ni no Kuni like 3 times in the past so I'm fine leaving that one where it was).

Games Played - 53 Total

( * - Finished / + - Co-Op/Sim )

My horror game backlog is massive so Indie Horror Nights are guaranteed to return in 2024. Obviously. Horror is kind of a thing. Variety Night is also guaranteed to return because I like having a day where I can just do what-the-fuck-ever.

However, I don't know if Project Night will be a set thing in the future. Additionally, I'm considering adding a fourth stream day but I haven't committed to the idea yet. I want to get back to fashion design but I don't think I'll be picking the seasonal collections back up for this year. Maybe just do themed outfit sets, instead. I may also try making them in blender instead of VRoid this year, as well.

There are a lot of decisions to be made about 2024 still.

I'm not sure what I want out of this coming year yet. But thank you to everyone who puts up with my perpetual indecisiveness, there will be more in the future.

Here's to a new year and new possibilities.

[hummingbird-games]

Dev Diaries

March 5th, 2024

So. We're 3 months into the new year. Huh.

Updates from me? I started a new job! I've been reading/catching up on a toooooon of manga lately (I'm also sloooooowly making my way through a nonfiction read and can't help thinking how Corey would heavily sympathize with me. Sigh.)

I also got another free month of Spotify (lol, I think I'm the only person I know who only uses the free plan because I'd rather spend that money elsewhere??) so I've been on a listening spree and flagging songs for a writing playlist I will use for the majority of the HSDJY 2 drafting process moving forward.

I still have yet to play BG3. My family gifted me the physical edition, so I've been impatiently waiting for it to ship out. It's been 84 years JFJEHFJHJF!!

Hmmm...nothing else interesting has happened to me (that I can publicly share ☠️) so on with the game development updates!!!!!

What Has Gemini Been Up To? -> TKD (again)

March 16th!!! Y'all, this is the deadline the team and I are working towards for a finished and published game 😭 unfortunately my plans for full voice work won’t be realized by then (but they will be realized. Just in a few months. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if y'all get the updated HSD 2 demo before the fully voiced TKD….)

What Has Gemini Been Up To? -> HSD:JY and Ko-fi

Ko-fi first!!

It’s only been a few months (since November??) but I’m super proud of my posting consistency! Granted, I’m a little anxious about how posts will look moving forward once I start moving major updates and general silliness to Tumblr. But. We shall cross the bridge when it appears.

March snuck up on me and I only have the free and any-paid-support ready, but the subbies are just There™️. That being said...when I'm quiet or posting non-Hummingbird content here, there's 99.9% chance I've made a free post on ko-fi.

Tumblr is looking like the other social media platforms right now with its flagrant support of AI, and it gives me a headache trying to decide how to keep everyone informed as well as share posts from my peers and new kids on the block. Anyhoo!!!

High School Daze goodies??

At the time of this post, a couple things have been happening that I haven't had the time (or the energy) to talk about. The obvious? HIGH SCHOOl DAZE: JUNIOR 2 HAS AN ITCH.IO PAGE!! I...have no idea when the full game will be out. I have an idea...but I don't want to say it and feel obligated to make that deadline just so I don't disappoint players. (I'm well aware that some people took one look at Crushed, went "Aww, that's nice, Gemini. Now where's HSD??" 🤣)

The first round of sprites have been commissioned!! If you peeped the key art (also done by my sprite artist, heehee she's lovely) you might notice some new outfits, some new hairdos. Fingers crossed I'll be able to update the page--to mirror the debut game's page--at the same time the new demo goes live (which will showcase all of or at least 75% of the common route of the full game. Stay tuned to find out if we'll focus on the friendship route or if I can defeat the Coding Monster to include all the variations for the romances too aha).

Writing wise? Five of the six total routes are outlined. (Florence's I've…barely started 🥲…this pre-production thing is kicking my ass). I’ve started drafting out the friendship route too, as seen by the random posts I’ve made about HSDJY 2. Well, a combination of friendship route + the common route with its lovely variations that aren’t a nuisance at all. Nope. *eye twitch*

I alsooooooo discovered that all the raw and edited music I created for HSD and for personal projects over the years using GarageBand were deleted. And I never backed them up. So. The tracks I made, the jingle for the splash screen, the main theme and it's 2 variations, and alllllll the little cute things I made that are as old as my own high school days are....gone.

Poof!

If I sound very calm about this, what an astute observation! But my anxiety is being used elsewhere, and I decided that I while I can't go back to the original files to tweak them, I've backed up the other files. And I don't mind starting from scratch with this.

But also y'all, please back up your shit. Please. Don't be caught slipping.

That poll I made a while back that now has results and I totally didn't forget about?? The boys won!! And I'm not surprised 🤣 I haven't decided yet if I'll do a live developer stream or a prerecorded one, but either way it'll happen closer to October, the 2nd anniversary date.

What Will Gemini be Up To?? -> Rest?!?!?

I assumed a lot of things about what would be done or not done by March, and that led me to loosely block out March as a 'rest' month. I wouldn't work on any projects, and instead would read, play console and computer games, and basically take the break I didn't take in December.

Well. The Knight Dance is still in production. And I commissioned sprites earlier than expected. And I didn't plan enough ko-fi content to be scheduled in my absence. LOL and I started a new job!? 🥹

But!!! But but but, I do need to take some type of break so I'll do my best to be scarce in this space (and lower the temptation to work because I see y'all are working LOL). Cool? Cool!

- Gemini 💛

[decadentpandawasteland]

Prompt:I picked my journal up. I hadn't written in it for so long, I had no idea where to start.

It was weathered and worn, and the leather binding was aged and cracked from years of keeping it open. The paper inside had begun to yellow slightly. A single ribbon stuck to the top of the book binding acted as a bookmark two-thirds of the way through. The front embossing had faded throughout the years, the only word on the front barely visible but could easily be felt with fingertips, “Journal”.

“What's that, Dad?” Ethan asked, watching me handle the worn book. He was my oldest, always eager to learn but starting to become ashamed of his eagerness. An average teenager in his sophomore year. Unruly but eager, a leader but a follower, a child who thinks adulthood is a time frame, not a mindset.

“One of my old journals,” I said, flipping through the pages. I picked a random page and glanced over it. “I was never good about writing dates, but I saw it mentioned Mr. Woodard, so it's either from my freshman or sophomore year.”

“Wait, really? Why were you journaling then?” Ethan asked, his eyes wide.

I let out a little laugh, “Honestly, I'm not even sure anymore. That was almost twenty years ago buddy. I had a full head of hair, just like you then.” I said, running a hand through the thinnest part of my non-existent hairline. Ethan made a face of absolute horror, his curly brown locks were his most prized possession.

An ancient urge, long forgotten in my mind, had me find a pen. “It's been so long since I've done it, I wouldn't even know where to start.” I thought to myself. Opening it up to the bookmarked page, I read through my old entry. Luckily this one was dated.

November 10

I saw her in class again today. We even talked for a little bit! I couldn't tell you at all what it was about, I just kept getting lost in looking at her. Señor Inglès yelled at us for interrupting class, but I didn't care. It felt good. Hopefully I'll get some actual courage to talk to her about things other than Spanish class.

It's been about two months since the whole thing with mom. Dad isn't holding up too well. Lana came back from college early to help out. I just want to stay out of the way. I really miss her.

A few wet stains were on the page. Losing mom was rough, especially on Dad. They had been together since high school, and the cancer ravaged through her in less than a year. Even to this day, I miss my mom. But at least Dad's with her now too.

I skipped ahead.

Dec. 18

Out for winter break and it finally started snowing. Dad finally started getting out of the house. He needs it. Before school let out I asked Rachel “¿Saldrias conmigo?” while we were practicing conversational skills in Spanish. She just responded with “Me preguntaba cuando preguntarias. Sì.” I was so blindsided, I just assumed she said no! We decided to go see Christmas lights on Christmas Eve at Stanley Park. Corny, I know, but hey it's who I am. Miss you mom.

Pen in hand, I added a new entry.

March 16

Saying it's been too long is an understatement. Around twenty five years, give or take. Rachel and I got married and we have a son, Ethan. He reminds me a lot of me at his age. He's hopeful and curious, questions everything but just a little too shy to be outspoken about it. Mom, you would have adored him, but I'll let Dad fill you in on all of the stories. He better tell you about when Ethan was six and demanded to be allowed to eat the wasabi at Tsunami Sushi.

Rachel and I are doing as well as we can be. I never realized how hard marriage is, but in the end it's worth it. For some reason every day she gets up and chooses to be with my grumpy ass, if you'll excuse my language Mom. The easiest choice I ever make is waking up and choosing her, and choosing this life. I wish we didn't have to be packing up the old house, but I'll make sure Rachel and I help build the memories of our little family. Even if Lana likes to be a fun party aunt a little more than I'd like her to be, but hey, it's her life to choose. I love you and miss you more than you know.

Oh, by the way, we haven't told anyone yet, but Ethan is going to be an older brother! I wanted to tell you two first. I love you.

- R.

I closed the journal and Rachel came up behind me. She kissed my cheek and I watched her slightly graying hair fall down around her shoulder. A flash of seeing her sitting at her desk, freshman year in Spanish class. She looked even more beautiful now than she did then.

“Ready to go?” She asked, giving me a hug.

“Yeah, I think so.” I closed the journal. Ethan came over and we walked out the front door.

As we walked out, I poked Ethan with the journal before asking, “Hey buddy, have you thought about journaling?”

[aplateoflasagna]

💙💙This is not a drill! TREASURE comeback is confirmed!!! 💙💙

I'm so happy!!! I missed our boys so much! 💎

The T5 release will be in July and the actual comeback is in August. That means there will have been 11 months between 2 album releases and that seems insane to me. But Treasure has worked so hard this past year, they literally didn't have time to comeback sooner. How do other groups do this? Straykids, Twice, NCT etc they go on tour but still have multiple comebacks per year. How?? Are they not severely overworked or is JYP, SM, HYBE etc just better at time management? (that might be it tbh lol)

It feels unfair to ask of artists to have a comeback during or immediately after a (world) tour, but fans see so little of a group during a tour that it feels as if they weren't doing anything (no new music or big promotions etc)

For example Blackpink has been on tour since oktober 2022 and it will last at least until August 2023. That's almost a full year of touring! Jisoo had her solo debut and they did Coachella and they will perform at Hyde Park.

Right now everyone is saying that they deserve a break, Jennie performed 3 songs with an IV drip today, but had to leave the stage because she felt so sick, Jisoo had covid last week, the girls have all been seen with injuries. Only now will fans be sympathetic. The tour will be over, October 2023 will come and go and people will complain and riot that Blackpink should have had a comeback by now, only a month after their world tour ended.

And like, I'm not pointing fingers here, I've also been impatiently waiting for Treasure to make a comeback. I've had to remind myself how hard they've worked since last october.

They did so much promotion on youtube for Hello era which gets overlooked a lot because they did less in-person promotion in Korea.

Immediately after the comeback promotions, they did 'Hello concert in Seoul' + The exhausting Japan tour from November until January while also rehearsing and attending award shows. I remember being so worried for the members because that schedule was inhumane, it was way too much. Half the members had gotten sick, Junkyu lost his voice for three concerts, Jihoon was severely sleep deprived etc + they had to film content for Treasure World Map (which all Teumes should watch btw! it really doesn't get enough appreciation. Every episode makes me cry tears because they truly act like family 😭)

January and february they were seen filming Tmap + that's when they probably filmed a lot of the new episodes of T-talk, 3 minute treasure, fact check and tmi-logs + they shot the welcoming collection

March was the start of their Asia tour where they kept shooting for TWM + multiple members have said that at the same time they were working on the comeback.

My point is, they have had back to back schedules for the past year, they couldn't fit a comeback anywhere until now. Ideally, Treasure would take a well deserved break now, the tour ended, maybe they could visit their families (I was shocked when Jihoon said he only sees his family 3 times a year because of their busy schedule) or travel or maybe just rest for a few weeks and take a break from their Idol life... But they can't... Because it's been almost a year since their last comeback and fans are getting anxious. Just this week they have barely uploaded on social media or communicated with Teume (probably because they've been so busy preparing for the comeback) and already fans were having a hard time (me included btw and I feel bad because I still have a lot of Treasure content to catch up on, but it's not new content you know? So it's just not the same 😶)

All of this to say that I'm so happy Treasure is having a comeback but seeing Jennie so sick during Blackpinks concert and getting the Treasure announcement on the same day... It just made me think about how much fans ask of Idols... fans keep asking for more until their favs are sick or injured because they are overworked and suddenly fans change their mind (They should rest!, the tour should be cancelled! etc) but they will have forgotten about that by the next day, because it's always more fun to get content and it fucking sucks to wait.

[swordbreakerz]

Day 15: time is long

I wrote a love letter about my weird timeline listening to friends at the table that is very rambly and doesn't have much of a point and is a little personal and I'm putting it under a readmore because I'm shy and going to throw my phone into the ocean after this posts

This July marks a full year since I got back into friends at the table. I watched the NNAF stream live, the first day at work since it was my last day (what were they gonna do, fire me?), and the second day at home, half dozing through the first three hours because I wasn't used to being up at 9am on a Monday. The Marielda one shot and stretch reward of a Hieron epilogue finally piqued my interest in that campaign, and I started Autumn in Hieron the next day.

It had been probably a year and a half since I'd listened to any day at that point, back in October 2020 (the 23rd, to be exact, according to my discord DMs) a friend of mine got me interested and I started listening to COUNTER/weight. I blew through it in a couple weeks, finishing it on November 17th, and it has the high honor of being one of the only pieces of media to make me cry after finishing it before I was medicated. I jumped straight into Twilight Mirage, but only made it about halfway before I quit the job I'd been working, and fell off of it, because I'd been using my 8hr shifts to burn through episodes. Despite quitting my job Again just as I was getting back on though, last year it stuck and I caught up with the entire backlog of podcast, including Bluff City, in maybe… four or five months if I remember right? It truly caught me by the throat.

Now, I'm fully caught up and staying on top of weekly releases better, being employed helps so I have a dedicated task to do while listening. It's become a regular fixture of my life and I've been thinking about voices defining a time in your life, and how summer 2022 will forever be my summer of friends at the table. The friends were my constant companion, I listened to the least amount of music that year than I maybe ever have, my spotify wrapped minutes on music were dwarfed by the nearly ~700 hours of podcast (spotify is easier to binge with at work, and I like stats).

This podcast reignited my creativity and drive after an art slump and brought me closer with one of my cherished friends, it taught me things about storytelling and political theory, it forced me to process old grief while sobbing for two hours straight after finishing Marielda. I could probably keep going, but being vulnerable makes me want to dig a very deep hole and lie in it forever, and honestly if any of the cast does see this I think I might die if I put anything too personal in it.

I'm not sure where the point I was leading to went. This podcast is like a reliable clock (hah) to me. It's my Friday work treat when seasons are live, Animal Out of Context can lull me to sleep in less than 30 minutes, Orbital made me laugh so hard I nearly cried in front of my coworker. Having something become such a north star in your life, especially something close to the ground like this, is fun and weird and scary all at the same time. I went from barely paying attention to ttrpg news to The PBTA Guy in my friendgroup in a matter of months. I still cry if I think about The Chime or Hella or Maelgwyn or Fero or Lem too hard. I'm getting a tattoo based on C/W at some point for gods sake.

Anyway. It's amazing how time and passion can worm it's way into your heart. Keep telling stories, keep loving eachother, I'm going to go dig a deep hole now, mwah

[leechyboi]

I don't have a good start to this other than "this was horrificly traumatizing as a child".

About a decade ago, my 9th grade Social Studies teacher, gonna just call him Mr. F, he didn't just have the typical approach of "show a documentary that takes a week to get through and we write our little 9/11 letters" thing. No, this round pink kettlepot of a man was utterly *obsessed* with 9/11. He had posters hanging on the walls in his classroom of the towers, "never forget" on a banner in big red-white-and-blue letters stretched over the whiteboard, his computer desktop had a picture of the WTC burning as the wallpaper, he always wore this gaudy enamled pin on his sweater he'd wear over a dress shirt which just made him even sweatier. He had a constant wide-eyed fear in his gaze that was only rivaled by the anger in his voice and the smallest provocation or perceived slight against his authority would incur him full on *screaming* at you. Nobody wanted to have him as their teacher.

So we didn't just do the school mandated 9/11 course. We watched documentary after documentary for the first two and a half months of the school year. Every. Single. Day. We had to have seen every piece of footage from 9/11 that was available at the time. Every survivor testimony, more than once being played right off of YouTube. All of it in as graphic detail the projector could display in the dimly lit blue bricked room with *none* of it censored for the class full of children.

I was already having nightmares from this, having to do writing exercises like "what would you tell your family and America if you were on the plane" and getting yelled at for crying during class because I'm writing a croak note to my late father (this class made me cry alot, shockingly) but the 9/11 obsession only lasted about two months into the year or so. Around mid November Mr. F switched gears from the daily 9/11 videos to pulling out ***the god damn Qur'an.*** We started learning about the Muslim religion and culture, and not in a genuine "here's the interesting history and beliefs of these people to humanize them in the light of this horrible tragedy I've been showing you for the last few months" kind of thing either, Mr. F really leaned into what was clearly disdain for the Islamic people. He would make comments on how the way we dressed or acted would be illegal in the middle east and they'd chop off our hands or we'd be whipped for certain things. More than once I was confused on worksheets being graded poorly because there was some kind of merit to a passage we had to read and criticize. Atleast twice a week we would hold mock stonings of the girls, having the boys throw balled up paper at them, and we had exercises where we'd stand opposite sides of the room lined up by gender and the girls weren't allowed to talk. The stonings were also a punishment for people he found annoying or disruptive, so I was usually standing up there every other day having paper thrown at me, and eventually had to sit on the girl's side of the room because he didn't want to hear me speak. And don't worry, 9/11 was still being brought up regularly, with the weird way Mr. F would say "themmm" in reference to it just dripping with animosity as he held his leather bound Qur'an with his grubby little hands. He genuinely believed that some sort of large scale terrorist attack was going to be led by anyone of Islamic descent on America.

Eventually after I had broken down crying in front of the class too many times I had finally convinced the my IEP counselor to get me in a different class, and barely was able to scrape by the other half of the school year since he didn't teach anything remotely resembling the curriculum (still don't know wtf an Anglo Saxon is). When I last lived in NJ a couple years ago he still was teaching, and still was fucking fanatic about 9/11 according to my friend's little sister, although looking at my old school's website now he's not there anymore so he hopefully got fired for being fucking insane. There's no real moral or resolution here other than I still have anxiety about terrorists kidnapping me or attacking public transportation sometimes, as wildly unrealistic as that is.

okay me & my brother are learning this isn’t as common as we thought and so in honor of the special day

[kirei-yume]

1 month challenge 0/31

Hey, so I got retrenched in November and i've been living in my parent's house like a bum.

I've been preoccupied with school so it was okay at first but it's the trimester break at the moment and I want to make my life better.

Since covid, my weight has jumped from 47kg to 73kg. I feel so unfit at 25. Plus I went through a breakup in August and I want to better myself.

I've been going back and forth between several attempts at bettering myself, but I eventually lose momentum and let go of myself. This time I want to document myself everyday and see what changes I can do in a month when I take it seriously.

Here are the key goals and check-in cues that i'll be giving everyday.

10,000 steps everyday. I'll be frank, there are many days where I barely leave my room. I know this is an achievable goal for me, it's at most 1 and half hour of walking which I can do if I go window shopping at an airconditioned mall or go for a jog outside. But the main aim of this goal is to leave the house and not get cooped up inside my room.

Take ritalin twice a day. I've only been taking it as when I needed it, rather than taking it daily as per my doctor's recommendation. I want to see how it changes and shapes my behavior and actions. Truthfully, I think that taking it would also help improve my social interactions and guide myself to a place where I want to be and want to be perceived as. Adhd impacts my impulsivity too much and I've lived a life full of regrets and full of broken relationships because of this neurodevelopmental disorder. It hurts me, and now that i've had my diagnosis, I want to live better for myself.

Document what I eat. Tbh using myfitnesspal is annoying but I want to eat better and lose weight. I want to feel comfortable in my skin. I get body dysmorphia and my mind can't comprehend the changes in my body since gaining weight. How I feel doesn't match how the world sees me and it doesn't feel good knowing that.

As a start, this is how it is for me today:

Step count: 1,438/10,000. I left to get groceries and to eat.

Take ritalin twice a day: 0/2

Document what I eat: I had tom yum soup with veggies, egg, and noodles at around 1am ish? Also had a box of hellopanda. After waking up, I had a bowl of soup noodles with veggies. Then I had a 6pc wingstop chicken, with a side of fries and sprite zero. I ate about 5 chips just now.

[aroseisblooming]

It's November! We are in the final two months of the year. I'm looking back on the year and I am not going to make all the goals I set at the begining of the year. At first I was really depressed about this but I looked back and I really did accomplish alot this year. Especially I've only been living back in America since last September and I started with literally nothing. I am blessed. Like really blessed.

These last two months I really want to focus on habits, health, and finances. Nutcracker season doesn't end til 2nd week of December. I haven't been going to the gym because I have been dancing 3-4 times a week for hours. There just isn't enough hours in the day with work and school both full time. I also start my new job tomorrow on a completely different schedule than my previous position. So here's what I'm hoping to accomplish

1. Get adjusted to new position and schedule at work :

I work in mental health care and got promoted to a clinical admin position completely different from working on the floor with patients. Schedule is switching from tues- sat 7-3pm to m-f 9-5

2. Create multiple morning and night routines to choose from based on my energy:

I have insomnia, seasonal depression, and a crazy schedule. Some days I have all the energy in the world . Other days I'm exhausted from sleep deprivation, or sore from ballet or depressed and can barely get out of bed. I need the routines though so having options for different types of days will help me feel more accomplished

3. Figure out breakfast and lunch situation for work:

When I was working on the floor I had breakfast and lunch with the kids in the unit I was in charge of. Now that I'll be in the admin offices and in my own office. I don't know how lunch works and breakfast I can have at home. So I just need to work out what I can eat for breakfast, what our lunch schedule is like, and if I will pack or get cafe food. Also because of my PCOS cause me troubles losing weight Im trying different things out to see what will work

4. Actually fill out and follow my budget:

I have brought a budget notebook. I filled it out two weeks and then stopped and my finances have been in the garage because of that. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck, and stressing about how I can't afford stuff because I screw up the first half of the month and have to recover second half

5. Read more. I already read often but I'd like to read everyday versus once or twice a week. And something other than school books

[princepestilence]

NYR: October in review

Post-October horoscope: Make it a duty to celebrate your small wins. There’s no need to wait for major milestones or for others to acknowledge it.

Entering the last week and a bit of my twenties. Feeling exhausted from another too-busy month, but also pretty great! A lot of things happening, as always. Some small, some pretty big.

Doctor appointment actually went well. I was braced for worse! But the results were okay to good for most things, and apparently my liver is quote unquote pristine.

Duolingo every day. Managed to keep it up but only barely. It honestly shouldn't count, but I am counting it.

Became chair + hosted my first double meeting, including AGM.Technically, I hosted both meetings and then became chairman after getting voted in during the AGM. I haven't really had time to process any of it, but also it's sort of no different to what I was already doing except I have the full title instead of the Acting one.

Revised all of chapter four! I've since started work on the last leg of the dissertation, writing the introduction / conclusion. The closer I get to being really truly finished, the more excited and also afeared I'm getting.

House anniversary. It snuck up on us and we only realised by chance, but it's been a year since we settled and moved in. I love our home.

Nephew was born. My best friend had her baby a week ago. This is no achievement of mine, but I want to commemorate it anyway.

Booked a holiday. We've been thinking about it for about a year or so, but finally did it! It's not until March, by which time everything will have chilled out a good deal. We haven't been on a proper holiday (as compared to a long weekend thing with friends) since the very beginning of 2020.

Painted for the first time in over a decade. I had an opportunity to paint the other day and it was so fun. It was so healing? I didn't realise how viscerally I missed making art like that until I was doing it. Now I want to do it all the time.

In November, I will:

turn thirty! Still have more party planning to do but we're getting there.

finish introduction + final mop up of chapters. A bit ambitious given how intense work is at the moment, but still doable.

2024 season launch. Not exactly a goal, since it's inevitable, but surviving the month counts as a feat. Today was bonkers busy and it's going to be like this for a while. I will have deserved the time off by the time I get to have it.

have fun at my birthday party. Reminding myself that this is actually the goal of the whole thing. There's so much happening at the moment that part of me regrets committing to this, but I don't want to not have a great night with my friends just because work + dissertation take up a lot of my time and energy.