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thesweetnessofspring · 6 months ago

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Why don't you like swift? Is it her specifically?

I love how making tags in one random post has gotten me this ask, because like, in general my stance is to ignore her and not talk about it, use my tumblr filters and whatnot to ignore her existence the best I can. But I'm getting asked so here's my answer. I'm going fully honest with this because someone asked me to, so if this pop star is your idol, ignore this and dni. It's just my opinion and arguing with me will only entrench my hatred deeper, as evidenced by my past experience with her fans. Also this is hella long, so fair warning.

There are a lot of reasons why I hate that singer. Some range from my own adolescent dramatics to bad interactions with her fans to just really not being into celebrity culture and therefore her whole persona/existence. I also want to say that everything I know about Swift I've learned against my will, so some of this information may be incomplete, but I don't feel the need to look up details about her. If I could, I would never have to hear about her or her music ever again.

I don't like her music. I actually really despise it and have since she got popular when I was in high school. Now I've come to realize if I hate a piece of media, it usually either did an injustice to something I love (like the Ella Enchanted movie) or it's something I didn't like but it became inescapable. Swift mostly falls into the latter. I know people have been trying to take back "cringe" but I can't help it. When I have to hear Swift's music, I CRINGE and I have since high school. Love Story was the stupidest """story""" to me with huge plotholes. You Belong With Me was incredibly entitled and I still side with cheerleader girl in that one, like that is HER boyfriend who HE chose to date. In general, all of her music (that I heard) in those early years were girl-crying-over-useless-boy and that annoyed me to the high heavens. And I think my dislike turned to hatred when I was told that since I was a girl, I HAD to like her, that she was SOOOOO relatable to teenage girls when my life experience was nothing like hers. And her music being all over the radio, school, my social settings, etc. did not help.

And the thing is, I've heard songs/seen lyrics of hers that I didn't know were hers and I still hated them/thought they were cringe. Like I remember when "We Are Never Getting Back Together" came out. I heard it on the radio and thought "who is this new wanna-be Avril Lavigne?? She sucks!" And then the DJ said it was Swift's new song. 💀 A few months ago I was driving my parents to the airport with their car and a song comes on their radio I hadn't heard before, and I immediately think "ugh this song sucks" and then by the chorus I realized it was a Swift song. Even with her new album, when I saw the first meme for that "you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me" I thought it was an old meme I'd missed and had originated from like, some cringey 12-year-old on Vine or something. Only to find out a grown-ass woman in her 30s who's likely never stepped foot in a psychiatric unit wrote it, which explained how utterly stupid that line is. All of that to say, even when blind, I hate her music. The one (1) exception to that is Blank Space. That one for some reason, I do find catchy. My obsessed cousin got me to listen to Folklore and I didn't HATE that, but I thought it was hella boring. She's either cringe or boring and mediocre and I think at this point, you have to be a fan of her persona to like her music because that's really all I hear her fans talk about. Not the songs themselves, but how they're about her/her life. Or their blorbos.

I think Swift is a spoiled, entitled, privileged white girl who likes to bask in any slight done to her and blow it up like it's the worst injustice done to any human being. She lacks a true core other than being obsessed with herself, her image, and her fame, and chases trending aesthetics instead of finding something real and authentic to her. Authenticity is really important to me. I really can enjoy things other people think of a "cringey" if it's authentic to the creator, but the only thing authentic to Swift is her martyr complex. She borrows aethetics and throws them off easily, never truly mastering any of the genres she stumbles into as a costume instead of an authentic artistic expression. Everything she does is half-baked.

And that's not to say that the press and people online haven't been nasty. That stuff with the deepfake AI rape-porn was horrendous and she doesn't deserve that. Nor did her body being scrutinized as a teenager (or ever). But she got offended by a TV show joking about her having had a lot of boyfriends (which is true!) and as a result, a black actress who was delivering the lines someone else wrote got harassed online. Like what an absolute LOSER. She's a billionaire and the most popular pop star currently alive, and some rando Netflix show has her panties in a twist to the point where she sics her stans to bully an actress??

I'll give Swift this: she is very good at parasocial relationships (to an exploitive degree, imo) and PR. She's turned feminism into her own "you're misogynist if you attack ME!!!!! Like who cares about poor women or women in countries that mine has colonized or abused women or exploited women, anyone who attacks MEEEEE is the worst misogynist around!!!!!" Ugh. And I'm not going to lie, when 1989 came out and I was getting more into feminism I fell for this narrative of hers until her "Bad Blood" music video came out and it struck me how she was a bully. From what I heard, the beef was that Katy Perry "stole" her dancers and TS responded by making a whole music video with some of the biggest female celebrities to show off how everyone was in her corner. Then I thought...oh...she literally doesn't care about feminism (blatantly attacking another woman for something really minor) she only cares about herself!! And I got on the hate-train again. I still think she uses her power to bully other people/keep them in line about her and I swear if I were a man in Hollywood/entertainment, I would never date that woman.

She's certainly not the worst celebrity around. And also, I think to some extent, celebrities who have achieved even half the fame Swift has is likely somewhat conceited and self-centered. Anyone I'm a fan of, I'm a fan of their work first, and if they seem nice then that's a plus, but I also don't bank of them to be perfect, as long as they don't cross over into abusing others. And I don't think (from what I've been forced to know) that Swift is an abuser. Swift reminds me more of that friend-of-a-friend that makes every gathering about her and is fake-nice to you to gather information about you so she can hold it over you socially. If that makes sense.

And also some of her fans have always just been really pushy and annoying. I'm not going to act like I never threw a little temper tantrum in high school when Love Story came on or anything, but I've had my fair share of her fans as roommates and friends and I've really tried to be polite with them a least since college when I'd gotten a little more mature. Two stories really did me in, though: once in college I went on a roadtrip with a friend. We were going to be going through an area with bad radio signals and when that happened we got out the CDs. She suggested the Red album. I politely said I didn't care for Swift, and pointed out another one of her CDs of band I did like. She told me I didn't like Swift because I only heard her stuff on the radio, reached over while she was driving and pulled out the CD and put it in. I didn't want to start some sort of fight trying to get the CD out while she was driving and had to listen to that CD. This friend was trying really hard to get me to like her, but I was just so pissed she hadn't listened to me and I was trapped in there. Halfway through I asked to change it, thinking okay, it's been like 20 minutes, but no, she insisted I'd like the songs in the last half (I didn't, obviously). I also in college had my "golden" birthday and decided to throw a huge party. My roommates and one of our joint friends at the time were big into Swift. They were helping me put it together and I asked that the music they play not be a) violent toward women or b) any of Swift's music. They got the first part but then put all of the "danceable" songs of her newest album at the time on my birthday playlist. Like, not one song. At least five songs. Because they wanted it. All of the other parties and gatherings I clenched my teeth and told myself to get through it, but seriously, my own birthday party they ignored my very simple request because "it's not a party without Taylor!" I literally left my own party until the songs switched. And when I asked them to take any other of her songs off, they didn't. So. Yeah. Even though that was over a decade ago now, it doesn't help my Pavlovian response to her songs or her voice.

I just really don't think she's talented at singing, dancing, acting, or songwriting and seeing all of her everywhere is just SO MUCH.

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year ago

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(Disclaimer: this post was written in two parts, the first half was done the day before but not posted cause I didnt feel it was a complete thought, the second half was added after. I did not edit or touch the first half as I like to keep space for the thoughts of myself as they were; i also have passive chronic amnesia so Im not 100% sure if everything is on the same page; regardless that is just context)

Honestly, I think the thing that is important to keep in mind when interacting with syscourse - or specifically for us cause the only one we really care about is the tulpa discourse - is that you are never going to force or change anyone's mind who is so set that they are sitting on tumblr and pulling the dumbest arguments out of their ass to support their claims and I do think those that spend their time arguing with @/sophieinwonderland and @/cambriancrew - while honestly doing the dirty work no one wants to do by balancing out their bullshit posting so mad respect - are largely wasting their time if they do ever think that a mind will be changed.

The only reason to ever engage or talk about the stuff they (and the clique that actually buys into those arguments) talk about is solely to make an example out of how incredibly deep their interalized racism and just disregard for POC goes and honestly looking at them as anything other than a stubborn white person is putting more emotional energy than its worth.

Because genuinely, in a weird way and me doing what XIV calls "The Riku Thing" of looking at a really negative, annoying, and/or harmful thing and finding the bright side silverlining to it, I do kind of appreciate how astonishingly White TM they are because their unapologetic and loud nature makes a really big spectacle for a lot of people who otherwise would not understand how bad certain issues are look and go "what the fuck" and in its own way, it brings good publicity to the issues AAPI and eastern cultures go through in a western and white predominant area.

AAPI issues often go under the radar and are disregarded due to a number of reasons, but honestly? This is the most I've ever seen people actually talk about how white people take advantage of eastern and Asian cultures (relative to the size of the community in question) save for the brief blip of when Stop Asian Hate got loud during COVID where sinophobia blasted up and a bit surrounding Cyberpunk as a genre when Cyberpunk 2077 came out.

In that regard, I'm kinda glad they are so loudly racist and White TM about AAPI cultures. It makes for good publicity and awareness by being the example of just the Usual Bullshit and it starts better conversations. I'd honestly prefer a loud bigot to a quiet insidious one cause the loud ones at least can serve part of a message and be ignored.

Anyhow, this is all just to say that bigots will be bigots and you can argue with them all you want and call them truthful statements like "bigots" and "racist" but thats about all you can do to really control their behavior. Those balancing out their bullshit arguments, mad props - I could never cause that shit is too toxic and too much of an investment, but it is respectable work. (insert "it aint much but its honest work" meme at yall)

---(cut between original thoughts and the added bit)---

That said, I'll just say it as the fact that it is, those two and those that follow their rhetoric do not care at all about AAPI individuals and are just racist. We don't have to debate it and it's honestly not up for debate and while we could put our energy to trying to tear down their following and make them shut up, in a world where the KKK still exists and thrives, its an unlikely and futile of a goal to try ti achieve.

Instead its best imo to treat them like the public case study of white and western abuses to AAPI culture, particularly since time and time again they redisplay some of the most classic and frequently used techniques white and western individuals do to try to excuse their shit.

If you wouldn't give a person arguing with any other loud and proud bigot, its best to just accept that bigots be bigots and rather than banging your head against a wall, put it up for display on the museum wall as a means of education and awareness.

Theres no point in talking to bigots about how they are bigotted. There is, however, a point to displaying it for those less effected and usually not given the opportunity to sed it in full get a much closer look at some of the shit we deal with

I like to think that while a lot of white and western people suck, that a lot of them genuinely are trying their best with the limited awareness, access, and understanding that they have.

I dont feel as though I would be correct calling them and bigots a "small minority", but I'd like to think they aren't the majority and I honestly appreciate those willing to learn and better understand and so ya know? Whats a better way to explain it than with a live dancing monkey that loudly and proudly displays the behaviors in question for all to see.

Anyhow, I digress. Take this as you will. I am just throwing some insight and personal thoughts about specific users in hopes that some people who might be overly stressed about it might find a little more peace moderating the topic

#alter: riku #syscourse #syscourse tw #discourse #discourse tw #sophiecourse #racism #racism tw #riku rambles #anti-tulpa #tulpa tw #anti-tulpa terminology

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hells-greatestdad · 4 months ago

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25. Who is someone you admire?

29. Who are your favorite characters?

52. How would your friends and/or family describe you? How different are you really to what they’d describe you with?

53. How would you respond if someone is rude to you or has done you wrong?

58. How important is writing to you?

Who is someone you admire?

Someone I admire? Good question.... I suppose, for non-internet people, that's still my stepdad. Who is no longer with us, but... guy was pretty wise and very intelligent, had all manner of careers in his life and tons of good life experience and advice. Very humorous and goofy and good with kids. Well.... we had been very close. So yeah. Even while he also had glaring faults (like many people do), I admire him.

(He also definitely had OCD. But hey, so do I.)

Who are your favorite characters?

Well, aside from Luci here (who is the newest fav and also a comfort character), I also really love Goku, Minato (from Naruto), Crona (Soul Eater), Rin Okumura (Blue Exorcist), Seras Victoria (Hellsing Ultimate), Izuku Midoria (My Hero Academia), Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist), Tomoya (CLANNAD).... that's what comes to mind off the top of my head.

Goku was my previous comfort character before Lucifer. He had held the position since 2015 or so.

How would your friends and/or family describe you? How different are you really to what they’d describe you with?

Hm.... I thiiiink......

Friends generally say I'm super nice, chill.... family would definitely say that I'm incredibly messy and disorganized.

I don't think that's necessarily inaccurate, though.... I'm a bit less nice than I used to be.... more easily annoyed, for sure. Though I keep those thoughts to myself and still generally assume the best about others. Still.... working customer service for 5 years will do that, lol!

How would you respond if someone is rude to you or has done you wrong?

You know, it.... I've had plenty of these scenarios. Generally.... I am extremely non-confrontational. I'd rather deal with shit than rock the boat.

One time someone stole my dog. I spent 3 days looking for him, puting up posters, walking door to door in my neighborhood, etc. And then someone told me they saw a facebook post from a coworker with a picture of my dog, gave me information on where this person lived, etc.

They were in my neighborhood, which is to be expected.

We attempted to make contact, they ignored us. Finally, got the police involved, at which point, they finally showed their face and brought the dog out.

They were like I spent money on this dog, etc.... look, I just wanted my fur baby back, I didn't want to argue. Ended up giving them the $50 in my savings account because I didn't want to keep arguing over shit. ....it was all the money I had at the time, as I was unemployed.

If that doesn't tell you what a pushover I am, or at least used to be, then.... yeah.

I might not be that extremely easy to manipulate these days, but.... still tend to be very much conflict avoidant. Generally, rather forgive easily and move on.

.....now. If someone wrongs someone else, especially someone vulnerable, then I'm going to be much angrier than if they had wronged me.

How important is writing to you?

Writing is important to me in so far as it is a vehicle by which I indulge in my hyperfixations. It's been a way to express myself creatively since I was 11! I remember sharing my little fanfictions with my stepdad, who was very enthusiastic about my endeavors. (I didn't know it was called fanfiction at the time, but that's what it was!)

#ooc #munday #death mention

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zmediaoutlet · 2 years ago

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22 and 24 for dean :)

22. How many different men have you had sex with?

DEAN: Uh. I don't really -- I feel like if you can count you're probably not doing it right. [pause] DEAN: Sam told me that's a weird thing to say. Doesn't mean I know, though. Like, ballparking it, it'd be... more than fifty, less than two hundred...? But that's not -- [pause] DEAN: It's not about -- like, notches on the headboard. I've slept with a bunch of people, ladies and dudes and some pretty interesting stuff in between, and it's -- not because I was trying to fill out a tally and it wasn't, you know, bragging rights or something. Sometimes it was because we were having a good time and just wanted to keep the party going, and sometimes it was because I was messed up and needed to not feel messed up for a while, and sometimes it was because it just -- seemed like the best idea at the time. A lot of times it was for a job. And you know, those weren't bad. Or, not always bad. There was this dude in Billings who -- let's put it this way, literally everyone in your life will thank you if you shower more than once a week, okay? So -- yeah. I guess the question just doesn't... work for me. ...But screw it, there aren't rules. Different question: how many guys did I really want to have sex with, and would've done it even if there weren't -- extra cirumstances -- and where I'm still pretty happy I did it? Call it... thirty, more or less. Lot of road between there and here but -- hell, could be a lot worse.

24. Can you tell us more about the last time you had a threesome?

DEAN: We were in Boston, fresh off a pretty good job -- no one got hurt besides Sam skinning his knee like a dork, saved the girls, all that good stuff -- and we were celebrating, at this bar. Red Sox game was that night -- think they were playing the Yankees -- and Sam didn't want to deal with all the screaming and so we were at a kinda more mellow place, and this kid started looking at Sam. I mean, a lot of people look at Sam. It's a nice view when you don't know how much of a nerd he is. So -- we've had some drinks, they've got a decent soundtrack playing, and we don't usually -- in public, we don't. Most of the time. Sam's not much for PDA anyway, and I got a broken rib once when we got caught by some hicks and it kinda put me off the whole notion -- but this was a college bar, not a townie dive, and this kid was looking and he wasn't being shy, and he was -- cute, you know, in that skinny college kid kind of way, shaggy brownish hair and a too-big jacket. And I thought -- yeah. Yeah, I could go for that.

Wasn't that hard to get him to come back to the motel. Twenty-two and not smart enough about the world. Plus I think he got hypnotized by Sam, or something. He's got some freaky power. Ninety percent of the time he's like an extra-boring monk and then he decides to flip a switch and he pulls these people in like a tractor beam. He wasn't into it at first -- kind of annoyed that I was flirting with this random kid -- but then he started paying attention, and the thing is I know my brother, and he's got all this high-minded stuff he says about everyone being special in their own way, blah blah -- like I don't know that -- but I also know that he likes tiny chicks and skinny dudes that he can fold up and make scream. Tractor beams on. Shane was practically panting by the time we got him stripped and laid out on the other queen.

So we had a good time. Shane was up for it. Wasn't drunk, not like that, but he was so goddamn excited I think he came before Sam even got it in, but that just made him all boneless and floppy and probably made it a lot easier, especially since I'm about five hundred percent sure he was lying about how much experience he had when we were talking back at the bar. Luckily Sammy's good for it, and got him to go again before he was done. I'd nearly gotten there just from watching Sam work -- it's pretty incredible, and most of the time I'm too distracted to really appreciate it -- and I would've been fine with anything, especially since it looked like Sam was still horny and probably would've blown my brains out if I wanted -- but I got Shane to ride me, instead, and he was just -- cute, sloppy. Happy. Sam helped him, since he was so shaky from getting nailed, and I just got to lay back and watch Sam smile at me over this kid's shoulder. Sam, relaxed and smug and happy. Just about the best thing in the world, whether orgasms are involved or not.

By the time we were all cleaned up and done it was like three in the morning. We drove Shane back to his dorm and Sam walked him up to the door and kissed him, all boyfriend nice about it, and I think Shane might've actually floated up the stairs to bed. If he slept at all. When Sam got back in the car I reminded him that I'm a genius, and Sam rolled his eyes but stretched out all relaxed and loose and lazy-confident in that just spectacularly hot way he does sometimes and he went, okay. You've got your moments. Damn right I do.

(send me some hornt asks)

#ask meme #my writing #wincest #hornt asks

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fishys-still-writing-smut · 1 year ago

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Warning: Lewd content below

Kinktober day four!

Prostitution: (Sonia/Rantaro)

Rantaro's adventures have brought him to many distant lands before: an Amazonian nudist colony, a secret billionaire orgy club, and whatever the hell was going on at Hope's Peak University. However this was a whole different ball game to him. Well, metaphorically speaking of course. He's had sex at ball games before, yet even those weren't as crazy as this.

"Ooooh, so this is one of those famous red light districts!" Sonia remarked with an innocent twinkle in her eyes. "Fascinating! I'd be sure to purchase at least a few servants for myself."

Yup. This was him. Arms locked with the heir of a foreign country, browsing the back alley prostitutes like they were celebrity gossip magazines at a bookstore. He'd go over how he got in this situation, but that story was a bit too long and involved way more BDSM than he was comfortable sharing, so the sparknotes of the situation were as follows:

Sonia was horny

Rantaro made a joke about prostitutes

Sonia missed the joke

Regret

Rantaro found out prostitution hasn't even been conceptualized in Novoselic

Even more regret

Sonia wants to fuck a prostitute

"So Rantaro, have you ever purchased a hooker before?" Sonia asked innocently, which was more concerning than endearing.

"T-that's…geez. Listen princess, you don't just ask people about that stuff y'know?"

"Oh! I'm sorry. Should I use the word whore instead?"

"No!"

"Slut?"

Rantaro facepalmed. "Y'know what, just drop it."

"Drop it where?"

…

"Moving on." Rantaro managed to reset his cool persona. "Sorry princess. I've never done this before either. I'm just as in the dark as you are."

"Really? I would've bet my crown on the fact that you've participated in these activities at least once." Sonia sounded incredibly surprised at Rantaro's confession, which caused his eyebrow to rise playfully.

"Oh really? And just what does that mean princess?"

"You definitely have the body of a model, so you could easily be a, how do they say, wrestler?"

"I think the word you're looking for is 'hustler'. And I'm flattered by the compliment princess, but I really ain't that type of guy."

Nonsense! Even someone as royal as I would partake in naughty acts for the right price!" Sonia declared very unlady-like in the middle of the empty alleyway. Rantaro tried his best to keep his laughter inside, but couldn't contain it any longer.

"Oh really? Y'know what, shoot for the stars champ. Gimme a price and I'll drop my pants here on the spot." Rantaro laughed into his hand. Was he being a bit too rude? Of course. But what's life if you don't take the chance to tease a princess about prostituting yourself?

"Challenge accepted!" Sonia pouted, sufficiently annoyed by Rantaro's shit-eating grin. She then dug into her pockets and pulled out a fat roll of cash.

"Oooh, so close princess. But I'm afraid-"

"No, I'm afraid that you don't quite understand me." Sonia cut him off as she reached into her purse, and pulled out a miniature fortune. Rantaro's eyes couldn't help but go wide at the site as Sonia began flicking his belt buckle

…

"GHLSH GLSH GLRP." Sonia performed a very messy fellatio around Rantaro's member. Her eyes were watery, her nose was running, and her mouth was drooling. But despite her incredibly perverted actions she never once took Rantaro's dick out of her mouth. She was getting all of her money's worth with this one.

Meanwhile Rantaro, pushed against the alleyway wall, was counting the inconceivably large sum of money he just received. He smirked as he watched the princess below him choke on his massive cock. He shoved the money into his baggy pants pocket as he prepared to embark on his next adventure: "exploring" the body of the future queen of Novoselic!

#danganronpa smut #kinktober #DRnevermind-18 #DRamami-18

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stubborn-society · 2 years ago

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Scarlet House

Photo Credit: Kameron Odums

Everyone was saying, you gotta get on TikTok. It’s the place to see new artists get their break. Not everyone is going to find their audience there, but you still have to be there, blah, blah, blah. What does this have to do with me? I thought TikTok couldn’t possibly be a place for anyone with any kind of taste. But I was curious how pop star wannabes and study beats producers promoted their music on the weird kiddie app. I also thought hey, everyone’s pressuring me to get on here, I’ll shoot some nonsense into the void, too.

Pro tip: TikTok is fucking incredible. I’m really impressed (and occasionally annoyed) with the way communities form and function on it. And if you’re really into music, it’s really fun. Almost too fun. But that’s a post for another time.

I’ve found most of my favorite new artists on TikTok lately. It didn’t take long for me to find Scarlet House. A dreamy, shoegazey, alt-pop song playing to a close shot of Kameron’s face (note: handsome face) while he’s driving (presumably to or from work), a sullen expression in his thousand-mile stare with a wall of text that read:

“i know alternative isn’t the biggest genre in the world but it’s the one that means the most to me and has done the most for me so i’m gonna keep making it no matter who will and won’t listen”

The little hairs on my arm stood up. I got those goosebumps I get when something hits right. I was instantly endeared by the sweetness of it, but it was something else - I immediately bought it, and I’m not the only one. With early endorsements from Kehlani and Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit, Scarlet House is a band we should keep our eyes and ears on. His fan base has been steadily growing and he’s making smart moves. I love to see it.

This is Scarlet House.

Hi, Scarlet House.

Hello there!!

How’s it going?

I woke to see another day, so things are going great for me.

Hell yeah. I found your music back in October, pretty shortly after getting on TikTok. How long have you been making music for this project?

I've been working on this project since about mid-2021. I've had a love of rock music for a long time but always thought I wouldn't be able to make it, so Scarlet House was my attempt.

Did you have a project before Scarlet House or were you playing in other bands?

I previously went by my real name Kameron James! I made a very different style at that time, mostly consisting of RnB and pop songs.

What made you decide to start promoting your music on that platform?

I never had any backup plan outside of music, so I told myself it was time to buckle down and focus on promo to get these songs to the world. TikTok happens to be the best place to do it right now as we all probably know.

Yeah, it seems like every band is on there right now! Sometimes it feels crazy, but I’m starting to really love the platform from a discovery perspective. How long have you been promoting your music on TikTok?

I started seriously promoting Scarlet House Music summer of 2022. I posted before that but never with a plan of consistency.

It’s pretty common to see cool accounts get started, then the creator loses interest. I’m glad you stuck with it. What has it been like for you as an artist promoting their music on social media?

It's ironic because before pursuing music, I'd never been the biggest social media person. I found it hard to convey who I was, but when I stopped overthinking and started doing it, that's when it became easier.

It’s a weird and sometimes scary step. But I like that you’ve taken the format and used it to express who you are. What were some of your goals when you started promoting your music online?

Live shows are probably one of the biggest things I hope to get out of my music career. I've always dreamt of them so now being on course to making them happen is amazing. Other than that I'm just seeing where the journey takes me and taking it a day at a time.

Totally, it’s the only way. Does TikTok feel like a competitive environment? What do you think is the biggest challenge an artist faces promoting their music on the platform?

One thing that I've realized is that there is a lane for everyone. With millions of people on the app, there's enough space for everyone to grow. In this age of music, it's easier than ever to get caught up in numbers. I try to think about the reasons I love music to keep myself grateful and centered.

I wholeheartedly agree; numbers should never be the end game. It gets exhausting for everyone and you can always tell who lost in the analytics and who really wants to be there. Do you find music on TikTok? Are there other indie artists you follow?

All the time! The beauty is in the fact that you get to see how much talent is out in the world. Art is perspective to me, so being able to see the world the way someone else does is both amazing and important. My favorite artist at the moment is this guy vhs ghost. I bonded with him through having a similar life walk so his music speaks to me in a special way. Lofi gold.

I’m so stoked to hear that. I always wonder what the social experience is like for artists on TikTok. So you think TikTok is a good platform to build community and find other musicians?

It is the best platform that I've seen! I think nothing beats a face-to-face community, but having TikTok makes it where you can build community no matter the distance.

Yes! I have found some truly legit artists and hardcore music fans on there and as an artist myself, it really is so exciting. Do you enjoy the other music content that you see? Do you vibe more with the content or the music?

For sure! I connect with the music usually but the content is the selling point so I have a very strong respect for the content creators I do see.

What are the main qualities that draw you to your favorite music? What makes a song great?

I think a great song, for me, is a song that can make me feel something. I take a strong interest in the topic of nostalgia. I think there is beauty in being able to feel a glimpse of your own past through a song that is new to you.

I feel this so much! I love all the various music revivals happening online - it gives me an excuse to share my favorite music with people who haven’t heard it. Sharing is great for intergenerational bonding in the music scene, passing music down (and up!) is so important. Are you into full albums or do you like singles/playlists more?

Each presentation of music can be cool in its own way but my favorite thing is to find an album and get lost in its world.

I’m so happy to hear that! I’m addicted to making playlists now, but I love knowing people still enjoy the full album experience. It feels crucial to fully enjoy the art form. Albums can become part of your life. A lot of artists are pushing singles rather than albums right now. Do you see the “marketing advice for indie artists” accounts, and if so, what do you think of them?

I see them quite often. The internet is huge and is full of so much advice, I think the key is understanding which advice is for you and which isn't. Everyone has a different path to their goal so knowing what will work for you and your brand is crucial!

Absolutely. I notice a lot of accounts try to make everything seem easy and plug-and-play when the reality is it’s very tough to navigate alone. Do you follow any industry accounts?

Honestly, I don't follow too many industry accounts. It can all be a little overwhelming when I think about the business side of the industry.

Judging from the comment sections alone, that’s probably smart. There’s a lot of conversation lately around indie artists maintaining control and ownership over their music and finding success without a label. Do you think this is an important conversation, and do you think it’s a good option for artists?

I've definitely stayed in tune with the debates surrounding labels and ownership. I think the most important thing is having a team around you that you can trust. Every deal is different so I think as far as signing, just being confident in what you bring to the table and knowing your worth are super important!

I notice a lot of artists on TikTok are solo. You write and play all the instruments, record, and produce everything yourself. Do you feel like there are limitations to being a solo artist on social media or in general?

There is definitely a set of pros and cons to being a solo artist. Limitations present themselves when I'm in a creative drought, that's when collaboration can be beneficial. I've had a specific sound that I've been trying to achieve for a while now and I'm still working towards it so in the case of my artistry, it's been easier to go on the journey alone.

I think a lot of people can relate to that. Being a band leader is also different and can be pretty challenging. Are you a perfectionist?

A perfectionist from my own perspective! I don't want to say that my work is perfect, but I'm stubborn with my vision and ears so I won't stop chipping away at a song until it's where I'd like it to be.

I think it comes through in a good way and when you have a band it’ll be a seamless transition.

Something I was super excited to see is how much TikTok gives visibility to artists of color in every genre. I can see directly how deeply it resonates with fans. Do you have any thoughts you’d like to share about that? Does it inspire you to see other Black artists pivoting into genres previously only marketed to white audiences?

Growing up in school I moved around a lot and dealt with these feelings of being an outsider. Now that I'm older and understand the world a little better, I can see that a lot of us had many things in common back in grade school, the similarities just never surfaced. For this reason, the Black alternative scene is a very exciting thing to me. One great thing about the internet is that it provides a space to be yourself. Going forward I hope to see more of my peers embracing who they are regardless of the pressure society puts on them to conform. Alternative scene or not, everyone deserves to be themself.

Do you feel like TikTok builds awareness for Black alternative artists more than other platforms?

It's interesting because I look at TikTok as being the land, you can build whatever you want there. This has been a huge stepping stone for so many Black artists to be discovered and heard.

It’s really amazing. As someone who always pushed hard for this freedom growing up and even now, I love seeing this grow and watching people flourish. One thing I really love about your content is that you’re so transparent and honest about what making music means to you. You just seem like such a nice person! Social media has a reputation for hooking people in with drama and toxicity, and I can tell your fans really appreciate your authenticity.

The times that were in can be brutal. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. If there is anything I could offer to a listener, I want it to be an escape. A reminder that things can be okay.

They can feel it. I’m glad you’re sharing it with people. So what’s on deck in 2023 for Scarlet House? What are you looking forward to? What can your fans look forward to?

I'm beyond excited for all that's to come in 2023! My biggest focus is just releasing more tracks! Hopefully, the songs will resonate with listeners as much as they do with me.

(Originally published on beastsunltd.com January 31st, 2023)

#new music #shoegaze #scarlet house #diy #premiere #Spotify #stubborn society

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redrosesshadowwolf · 7 months ago

Text

I used to love writing. I mean I still do, and I get sparks of creativity all the time.

I never seem to get past a few chapters for a fic so I rarely post my writing.

But that's not what this is about.

You see, there is this thing people used to do. I have no idea where I remember this happening. But when I was younger I read several works people had done together. Whether it be POV shifted with alternating chapters, or they worked together for the whole thing.

I've always loved that type of work. I've always wanted to do such things.

But finding someone to write with you? Someone who has the same brain worms?

It can be hard.

Despite having been perusing tumblr for a long time, I didn't make an account till a few years ago. And I've enjoyed how people jump back and forth adding to prompts in the notes, it's a smaller version of what I enjoy so much.

I've done that, I've verbally jumped back and forth making short stories with friends as well. But finding time and motivation between people to bring about one central idea hadn't worked our for me too well.

So I guess why I'm saying this all is so I can see if anyone else has this issue, if anyone knows a platform that works best for such things.

I'd try and find people to write with. But that takes a little more than just spotting a person and agreeing to write with them.

I have also seen group things like this done for short prompts from large discord servers I'm Fandoms and such. But I think one of the most unique times I've seen this done was for some old zombie apocalypse story I had read on Wattpad when I was like 11.

Because yeah, I'm part of the time before making sure there were proper childlocks on every site and device.

Honestly kinda feel bad for the kids who are stuck with such things. I would have hated it.

But I understand they're important for kids who don't know any better.

Also, some people really need to just teach kids to click away or turn off things if it makes them uncomfortable. Because some people grow up instead just going through with watching or reading stuff that fucks them up in the head. Or they complain to adults and the adults turn it off or get rid of it for them and the kid gets like no problem solving ability for such thing.

I don't know many kids, but somehow I've still seem both issues prominently displayed in real life and on media platforms.

Anyways ignoring my beef with people, and other such things. I really do love back and forth about writing and with writing.

I think when I was in like elementary or middle school one of my teachers had a few assignments where I had to do such things. And that really opened this can of worms of me loving the idea.

Because I've never done sports or been a part of a large team, but I have had to team up in academic environments and doing creative writing with people who also enjoyed writing was just an incredible experience. Even if it was more likely you'd get stuck with someone who didn't like writing and they'd make the experience so very annoying and horrible, those few good times outweighs the bad for me through this type of writing.

It's once again, probably why I love tumblr so much. Because we do this in small doses throughout fandoms and general writing prompts. Some people ask that people don't add on or elaborate on their writing. But so many more seem rather happy if someone takes their beginning and adds a middle, even if they plan on writing their own middle and end.

It's honestly a fantastic thing.

#why i love tumblr #writing #my favorite type of writing

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captains-simp · 3 years ago

Text

Wanda Maximoff ~ Fake It Till You Make It

Wanda version of this fic as requested by @yeetus-thyself

7.7k words

Warnings: shitty family and homophobia

[ masterlist ]

Buy me a coffee ☕

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Pleeaasse, Wan" You pouted once again. You had been begging Wanda for the favour for an hour now; her stubborness was proving hard to overcome.

"I'm busy." Wanda said, her accent strong as she walked around her appartment to collect things for her next mission.

"But will you be busy on the 10th?" You asked from the couch where you watched her disappear into various rooms as she talked.

"I thought you said it was a few days." Wanda quipped, seemingly only giving you half her attention.

"It is." You confirmed with some hope.

"So I'd need to clear my schedule for more than just the 10th." You huffed and rested your head on the back of couch.

"Yes you would. I'm sure Natasha can manage without you for a few days."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that." She muttered.

"Please, Wan." You tried. "I need a win." Wanda stopped by the kitchen counter and gave you a long, considering look. You had long given up on your puppy dog eyes and instead copied her expression as you chewed on your bottom lip.

"I'll think about it." Wanda finally said before grabbing something from the cupboard. It was the best response you had gotten all night and you knew you wouldn't get anything more. So you accepted it and hoped for the best.

Your parents had invited you to their cabin for a few days just like they did every year. It was a beautiful place. You could spend your whole visit in the forest along the back. Or swimming in the clear lake that was a short walk away. The cabin itself was the cosiest place you had ever been and had been where some of your best memories had happened as a kid.

As you got older things changed. Being around your family, especially your parents, wasn't as enjoyable. They had high expectations for their children, expectations that your siblings had met without a problem but ones that you had struggled with. You enjoyed your life. You had the kind of relationships you had always hoped for, you loved your job and you had the perfect balance of the two. But you could never shake the feeling that you had failed.

Your brother was a surgeon who always told you all stories of the lives he saved and the close calls he had swooped in to save people from. One of your sisters was some hot shot lawyer who had done great things like help people wrongly convicted but still put dangerous people back on the street. And your other sister was the CEO of an energy company that you never quite understood. They even all had equally successful partners who loved to talk about themselves as much as your siblings did. You didn't have any of that. But you did have Wanda.

Knowing the Avengers was the only thing about you your family took interest in. They were always subtly hinting at wanting to meet your friends. But you knew the Avengers had to endure enough fan service and didn't want to push your family onto them, especially with how annoying they all were.

However as your family's unrealistic expectations reached their all time high you were sure you wouldn't be able to handle another trip with them without a win, and you were far too petty to take the moral high ground and just not go. Not to mention that was a huge part of you that was dying to see what the Wanda girlfriend experience would entail. Yep, that was what you were asking of Wanda. To pretend to be your partner for the duration of the trip.

You knew it wasn't a smart choice. That if Wanda agreed your crush on her could get out of hand. You knew you would end up getting too caught up in the act. You could have, no - should have - asked Natasha or Yelena or even Carol if she was around. But your family knew you were the closest with Wanda and she would be the one it felt the most natural with, and the most believable. At least, that was what you told Wanda.

"When are you going?" You asked, changing the subject in hopes that Wanda wouldn't suddenly conclude she didn't want to do it (then you really would have to ask one of the others).

"Tomorrow." She answered, keeping her focused tone.

"When will you be back?" You attempted to keep the concern out of your voice but the glance the redhead gave you told you you hadn't done a good job.

"The day after." She said, softer this time. You nodded as you looked down at your lap and tried not to think about everything that could possibly go wrong on her mission.

"Be safe." Wanda strolled over to you and placed her hand gently ontop of yours and gave it a quick squeeze.

"Always."

"Got any plans Saturday night?" Natasha smirked knowingly at her friend as they preped for their mission.

"No." Wanda replied as she adjusted her earpiece.

"Nothing with y/n then?" Nat asked, partly genuinely but mostly knowing Wanda would still say no.

"Nope." She said again, biting the inside of her cheek in consideration before speaking again. "Not this Saturday."

Natasha raised an eyebrow in surprise and interest. Wanda rarely made any kind of special plans with you as you would always hang out casual and it was never anything fancy or different. She had always wanted to though.

"Plans for another time?" Nat continued as she double checked her pack.

"Maybe, I'm still thinking about it." The redhead turned fully to her friend at her words, confused at why Wanda was hesitant to spend time with you. "She wants me to go to the cabin with her and her family." Nat had heard all about the infamous cabin and your family.

"That sounds fun." Nat nodded. The cabin sounded fun. Your family did not.

"As her girlfriend." Nat's eyes widened excitedly but before she could speak Wanda clarified. "Her pretend girlfriend."

Nat paused and looked as though she was going to speak for several seconds until she stuck to just giving a confused look.

"Yeah." Wanda sighed. "Thinks it would seem impressive." Wanda had tried not to be hurt over that. She knew you weren't just friends with her to show her off to people, because you never did. But it hurt her to think the only time you could see her in a romantic way was when you were pretending.

"Well," Nat muttered as she adjusted the zip along the front of her catsuit. "Fake it till you make it." It was Wanda's turn to give Nat a questioning look. "Maybe it'll be an eye opener for her."

"You think I should do it?" She asked, fully open to hearing and accepting her friend and mentor's advice in that area.

"Definelty." Nat confirmed. She wasn't sure about it for the reasons she said though. Wanda's crush on you was obvious to everyone except you, just as it was vice versa.

You had been overjoyed when Wanda told you she would come with you to the cabin and play along as your girlfriend. She had told you when she came back from her mission, in fact it was the first thing she said after she had let herself into your appartment. It was never really brought up after that, but you couldn't deny you were incredibly anxious on the week leading up to the visit.

On the drive up to the cabin you and Wanda stayed in a comfortable silence most of the time, clearly both lost in thought. You had the radio on for background noise more than anything else, but you would occasionally lightly tap the steering wheel if there was a tune you recognised, oblivious to Wanda's acknowledging smiles.

"So what's the plan?" Wanda asked as she looked at you expectantly. Right, of course the Avenger wanted a strategy.

"Keep things simple, I guess. They know how we met already so we can just say at some point we took things a step further than friendship." Wanda didn't seem convinced at the simplicity of that. "Look they're not going to want to hear about us, not much at least. They prefer the sound of their own voices, they'll be trying to impress you is all."

"Impress me?" Wanda asked.

"Yeah, hope you warm up to them so one day they can invite you to their snobby parties." Wanda chuckled her heart warming laugh as she glanced out of the window, knowing there was a lot of truth to what you said.

"And what are those like?" She enquired curiously.

"I wouldn't know, I've never been invited." You said simply. You had gotten over that a long time ago, gotten used to being forgotten. Wanda clearly hadn't though.

"It will be an honour to turn them down." Wanda said. You shook your head and smiled at her. That did sound pretty nice.

When the cabin came into sight between the trees your nerves spiked. You figited in your seat and bit your lip when you saw some of your family gathered outside, their attention instantly on you. You shot Wanda a quick smile which she returned before you got out of the car.

"Y/n! So nice of you to come." You mum said as her eyes flickered to Wanda more than you. She opened her arms for the shortiest hug in human history before turning to Wanda. "You must be Wanda, we've heard so much." You mum insisted as she brought the redhead in for a hug too. She raised her eyebrows at you over your mum's shoulder and you bite back a laugh.

The others came over to greet you and mainly Wanda in a rush, overwhelming both of you.

"You two will be in the upstairs bedroom on the left." Your mum told you as you went to grab your bags. You did a double take, convinced you had heard her wrong. That was the best room in the house. A big difference from being in the small room in the basement every other time you had been there.

"First one on the left." Your dad confirmed. There was no way your parents were going to be in the basement so you wondered who else had been moved around but didn't ask, knowing whoever it was wasn't going to be happy.

You and Wanda made your way up to the room and you couldn't help but smile at the sight of the spacious room and the door you knew led to your en suite.

"That was...a lot." Wanda summarised as she said her bag under the bed.

"I would tell you it gets better but I don't want to get your hopes up." You sighed as you got a couple of things out.

"It's just a few days." Wanda said despite the fact you should have been assuring her.

"Yeah." You nodded and stared down at the floor. "Now c'mon." You suddenly said as you took ahold of Wanda's hand and laced your fingers together. You missed the startled blush that crept onto her cheeks when you turned around.

Your family were sat outside whispering amongst themselves when you returned. Their interested gaze fell to your entwined hands in an instant.

"So you work with the Avengers?" Your brother, Dalton, said as soon as you both sat down.

"I do, I'm one myself." Wanda said as she continued to hold onto your hand.

"Must be crazy, what are they like?" He enquired.

"They're good." Wanda said simply. Everyone clearly expected something more but Wanda pretended not to notice making you smile.

"I almost did business with Stark once, decided against it in the end." Claire announced proudly. You and Wanda exchanged knowing glances. Stark had told you all about his encounter with your sister, it definetly wasn't her turning him down.

"I was invited to one of his parties." Anna said quickly. "I was busy that night unfortunately."

Bull. Shit.

"Yes I remember working with Doctor Strange when he was still in the medical profession." You gave Wanda an I-told-you-so look as your family erupted into conversation over who had the most contact with the heroes. That had to be a new record of how quickly they started talking about themselves.

They continued like that until your mum called everyone in for dinner. The food smelt undeniably amazing as you took your place at the table next to Wanda and eyed the dishes infront of you. Your parents efforts to impress the redhead weren't all that bad.

Your family continued to catch up and and you and Wanda half listened as you ate. They were all doing as well for themselves as ever and still hadn't learnt any modesty.

Although you were proud of your siblings for what they had all achieved, Wanda had contained four potentially devastating bombs from going off in the space of half an hour a week before but she wasn't going to bring that up anytime soon. Eventually though, the attention turned to you to bring you out of your silence.

"And you're still working in that little café, y/n?" Your mum asked curiously.

"I own it, mum." You corrected quietly as you stabbed some pieces on your plate.

"Ah yes, quite the contrast though, isn't it. Between you two." She said as she pointed at you and Wanda with her fork. You didn't say anything to that because you felt there really wasn't anything to say in response. It wasn't like you hadn't thought that exact thing every now and then.

"The team loves it." Wanda said suddenly making everyone, including you, look at her in slight surprise from speaking up. It hadn't taken your family long to learn Wabda wasn't much of a talker, not to them anyway. You couldn't get her to shut up half the time. "At least one of us goes everyday. If we're lucky we all can. Nothing beats it." She defended simply before turning back to her food to show she wasn't going to say anymore. You smiled down at your plate at her words and the truth of them.

No one said anything in response, clearly shocked from this new information until Dalton spoke up.

"But doesn't Stark like fancy, top of the line, restaurants? I can't imagine him in some random coffee shop, no offence sis." He nodded towards you though you knew he didn't mean it. He couldn't let you have just one win.

"That random coffee shop has catered some of Stark's parties. Not that many though." A smug smile crept onto Dalton's face as he opened his mouth to make a snarky remark but Wanda cut him down again. "Because y/n's invited to the rest as a guest and a close friend." Your family stared at you with open mouths.

"You've been invited to Stark's parties?!" Anna exclaimed. In your defence, your family never wanted to hear about your life so you never got the chance to tell them anything.

"It's not really my crowd." You shrugged. "I just go to hang out with them after." Dalton's jaw clenched in annoyance and he didn't say anything for the rest of dinner. It was only really your mum who kept talking. Telling everyone about her latest travels that fell on death ears.

It was certainly a first for your family.

When everyone had finished their food you and Wanda excused yourselves and said goodnight before retiring to your room. Wanda shut the door gently as you collapsed onto the bed on your back and glared at the ceiling. The redhead shuffled around quietly to get her toothbrush and toothpaste and some other things you weren't really paying attention to and went into the bathroom.

When she came back out she was in her bedclothes and lifted your feet off the floor to turn you so you could fully lay on the bed. You smiled at her weakly.

"You should go get changed." Wanda said as she got her laptop out her bag. "Then you can pick a movie." She announced when she had gotten under the covers and started her laptop. You smiled more and nodded.

You tried not to think about your family and everything they had said at dinner as you got changed but it proved difficult. Everything they had said echoed around in your head but most of all you couldn't shake the disregarding ways they said it. It was as though you could do no right with them. Maybe they would never be proud no matter what you did.

You placed your toothbrush back I'm the holder and rinsed your mouth before heading back into the bedroom to an awaiting Wanda.

You got under the covers next to her and rested your head on her shoulder as you glanced at the Netflix screen and pointed to one of the comedy movies.

About ten minutes into the movie Wanda spoke. "You okay?" She whispered as she continued to look at the screen although that wasn't where her focus was.

"Yeah." You whispered back.

"You can talk to me." She said after a second." You moved your head away so you could see Wanda clearly.

"I'm so glad you're here." You said honestly. She smiled and nodded as her eyes searched yours.

"I'm glad I'm here too." You knew Wanda wasn't glad she had to spend the time with your family. She was glad that she could support you despite their efforts to bring you down. You were incredibly lucky to have her.

You rested your head back on her shoulder and neither of you spoke for the rest of the movie. Or the rest of the night. You must have fallen asleep about half an hour in.

Wanda was one of the most intimate people you had ever met. It was mainly something she aimed towards you and Natasha but didn't refrain from comforting others and giving hugs to anyone who would take one. She never held back at all with you, as far as you knew. But when you woke up and couldn't tell where your limbs started and Wanda's ended, you were still surprised to find yourselves like that. Butterflies flew around in your stomach in a way you knew was dangerous but couldn't help but love.

You were resting your head on her rising chest and had your arm slung across her stomach. Your legs were tangled together and her arms were holding onto your waist. A warmth spread through you and you decided to settle back into her hold and closed your eyes with a content smile.

You had about ten minutes to enjoy that before Wanda woke up. You could feel the moment she realized you were so close, she physically froze. You waited in anticipation for something for several moments until your friend very slowly unhooked her legs and guided your body to lay against the mattress and pillows as she slipped out of bed towards the bathroom.

You sighed when you heard the door close and rubbed your eyes slowly, knowing you should get up but wishing more than anything that you could return to how you woke up.

"Morning." Wanda croaked when she left the bathroom and saw you sitting up in bed.

"Morning." You said back with a smile and tried not to focus on how ridiculously attractive her voice sounded.

You gathered some random clothes into a bundle and went into the bathroom to change again and brush your teeth. When you came out Wanda was pulling her shirt over her head and gave you a generous view of her toned stomach. That training with Natasha really was paying off. Your face heated up when you saw it and you turned away to pretend you hadn't seen when Wanda noticed you.

"Don't make a sound." Wanda warned. You glanced up at her with some confusion. "I don't think your family's awake yet, that means we get the kitchen to ourselves." She grinned and you did too.

You and Wanda had gotten so used to getting up early for your jobs you forgot other people would still be sleeping. It was hard to break out of the habit but it proved useful.

The pair of you made a quick breakfast and ate it outside thanks to the warm weather even at that time. But soon enough your parents came downstairs and ruined the peaceful atmosphere with the clanging of pots and loud convosations.

You wandered around the side of the house and saw the old table tennis table that bad been folded away years ago and hadn't been set up since. You went over and started setting it up when Wanda joined you and eyed the table with a glimmer of mischief.

The redhead wasn't all that competitive, in fact you were pretty sure she let other people win games on the regular to make them feel better about themselves. But there was an undeniable spark of mischief in her eyes when she saw the table.

"You played this before?" You asked convosationally.

"I have." She said as you both automatically took up your positions of opposite ends of the table.

"Me too." You said confidently. "A lot." Wanda hummed in acknowledgment and swivelled her bat in her hand and stood ready. You smiled at her seriousness for the game.

You served surprisingly well for someone who hadn't played in a few years and Wanda was able to hit it back with ease. Once you had developed a steady pace you started hitting the ball more daringly to Wanda who was caught off guard before she started doing the same.

The moment you missed the ball a small smile tugged at the corner of Wanda's lips, her celebration was short lived when you suddenly sent the ball back her way until it was too late.

"That wasn't fair!" She exclaimed childishly.

"That was tables tennis." You said seriously but started smiling again.

Wanda huffed dramatically and flipped you off as she trudged back to the table and served the ball with force. You managed to send it back but took a step away from the table in caution.

You continued like that for a while. The competition tension rising as you picked up the pace, one of you occasionally getting a point before the other evened it out.

At one point you were vaguely aware of Dalton sauntering over to see what you were doing and arched his brow at the sight of the table.

"We still have this thing?" He questioned and you hummed quietly in response, too focused on the game.

"Hey Claire! Get over here, we're playing table tennis." You rolled your eyes at the intrusive and could sense Wanda refraining from doing the same until an idea popped into your head.

You caught the ball in your hand and smiled at Wanda's protests as you moved round to her side of the table just as your sister came out.

"I didn't even know we still had this." Claire laughed as she picked up another bat from the box.

"Maybe we should take it back with us." Wanda whispered to you and you bit your lip to contain your smile because yes, yes you should.

Inevitably, your siblings sucked at table tennis. You had suspected as much you just never thought they would be as bad as they were. They missed almost every hit and everytime they did they got increasingly angry, which meant they ended up flaring their arms around like idiots. It was a memory you would be sure to treasure.

"Stupid game" and "probably broken" kept echoing across the table until your siblings finally stormed off to throw a tantrum.

The rest of the day went by quietly. You and Wanda sat by the lake for most of the afternoon to enjoy the sun and heat. You reveled in the most recent memories of your siblings embarrassment and had to keep hushing down to childish whispered whenever one of them was nearby.

Surprisingly, dinner went by peacefully too.

You weren't asked anymore questions at the table. Instead, your family were content with talking about their upcoming plans between stealing glances at you and Wanda that the redhead never failed to notice.

The pair of you slipped off to your room the first moment you got and easily fell into bed besides one another. Wanda picked out a DVD from her bag of an old Sokovian show she used to watch as a child and had you hooked on as well as teaching you the language.

She settled down beside you and within the first few scenes she wrapped an arm around your shoulder so you could sink into her further like she did sometimes when you watched things together. You were barely paying attention to the series after that.

Despite trying to keep your focus on understanding what was happening in scenes of the show, you couldn't help but want to melt under the warmth of your best friend. You hoped it was something you got to experience more, you felt safer than you ever had in Wanda's arms.

Little did you know that having you in her arms was the most comforting feeling Wanda ever experienced and she always tried to do it as little as possible to refrain from falling for you more. It never worked.

You had thought waking up in Wanda's arms the morning before had been the best thing to awake to. But that day when you woke up not only were your legs tangled together again but the redhead was slowly stroking your hair while your head rested on her chest.

It was a gradual gesture that maintained a perfect rhythm and made you want to fall back asleep. But you were afraid you would mistake it for a dream later on. No, it was definitely real.

Luckily, your head was already tilted upwards slightly so when you secretly opened your eyes to risk a peek at your friend you saw her staring out the window as though she was in a trance. She was clearly so deep in thought she hadn't noticed you wake up, you had never seen her like it. But the feeling was too good to ignore, too compelling.

Soon enough, you found yourself drifting off back to sleep.

When you woke up again Wanda was gone. Her absence left an emptiness you knew wasn't good for you. As the days of your visit went on your fake relationship with Wanda was going to effect you even more when it was over.

Over...you couldn't think about that.

Once you got up and got changed you found Wanda in the kitchen looking at the news on her phone as she sipped her coffee.

"Morning, honey." You grinned. Wanda blushed slightly into her coffee, something you thought was undeniably adorable.

"Morning yourself." She tried to play off smoothly making you grin more.

You made breakfast for you both just as your mum came into the kitchen and greeted you both with an overplayed smile, already talking to Wanda about an upcoming party that she should go to. Wanda mumbled something about a busy schedule as you managed to whisp her away outside with your food.

Eventually, you and Wanda became bored with sitting around in the house when you had such amazing surroundings on your doorstep. You declared that you were going on a walk with the redhead and left before any of your family could invite themselves to go with you. Especially as you had told your friend to wear her swimwear underneath her clothing as you had a surprise for her.

You made a point of holding Wanda's hand as you left and once you were far away from the house went to take it back only for her to hold on tighter.

"You never know where they could be lurking." She joked as an excuse, so you starting swinging your arms playfully as to assure her you wanted your hands to stay linked together too.

You spent hours in those woods and was thankful for having a spy best friend who of course knew to pack the essentials like food and drinks so you could stay away from the house as long as you wanted.

The redhead brought so much you were able to have a small picnic on top of a hill that overlooked the large lake that stretched out all the way back to the house. You remembered thinking up stories as to explain the strange shape and curves to it as a child.

"It's beautiful here." Wanda said as she picked some grapes from the bunch between you.

"It is." You agreed with a fond smile.

"I used to want to live in a place like this." She muttered, sparking your interest.

"In the woods?" You asked curiously and she nodded.

"I thought I could retire to the woods and get a small cabin and I could grow my own food and that was all I needed." You hummed with a smile as you studied Wanda's features.

"Sounds lonely." You thought aloud.

"I'd have a cat." She said simply making you laugh. "I never used to think that but now when it crosses my mind and I picture that life... I picture someone else there with me." You knew she was imagining it as she spoke and you wished you could see exactly what it was she wanted.

"We could always downgrade the holiday house." You half joked as you nodded in the vague direction of the house. "Make it a simple cabin."

"We?" Wanda asked hopefully, the emotion clear before she had a chance to conceal it.

"There's no one I'd rather run away and live in the forest with." You joked although there was a lot of truth to your words. The redhead considered you for a while before smiling and nodded as though she had reached her own internal conclusion.

"Come on." You said suddenly as you stood up and dusted yourself off.

"You want to go back?" Wanda asked and you grinned.

"I'm going to show you that surprise." You declared and packed the remaining food away. Wanda did the same, eager to see the surprise you kept secret the whole way.

It was quite a way back to the house. The whole time Wanda kept asking more questions about it but you wouldn't say. She could only make guesses based on the swim wear which should have left only a few options, non of which she got right.

Finally, you arrived where you wanted to and grinned at Wabda before starting towards the edge. The redhead frowned as she watched you approach the ledge and became worried when she invisioned the steep slope that didn't always lead to water straight down. If you were to fall... your friend didn't have to wait long to see that. You slipped along the edge and disappeared from her view as she gave a startled cry and sprinted towards the edge and knelt over with wide eyes, expecting to see something that could haunt her forever but instead she saw you on a wide ledge but seven feet below her.

To your left was part of the ledge that had been dug into randomly and acted as perfect aid to get back into the woods above.

"Come down here." You beckoned as you starter to take your top off. Wanda's eyes widened more and quickly turned around and dropped down next to you steadily.

She glanced over the side of the small ledge to glance at the fifty foot drop into the water. There was nothing in the way to fall onto but there was no telling how deep that water was.

"You can't go in like that." You laughed as you kicked off your shorts and pushed them to the side.

Wanda's face heated up at the sight of you in your y/f/c bikini as you assessed the view. But even in her flustered state she was able to put it all together.

"You want to jump down there?" She exclaimed making you laugh.

"I've done it tones of times." You assured. "It's fun."

"It's a death wish! What if the waters not deep enough?" She questioned making you laugh more.

"Are you scared, Wan?" You teased as you took a step towards her making her avert her eyes from your form. She scoffed to play it off.

"Of course not." You hummed in faux belief.

"Well then I'll see you down there." You grinned and took a couple of steps back until your feet were no longer on the platform and you were plummeting down towards the water where you landed with a splash.

Wanda held her breath as she waited for you to resurface for a few agonising seconds. When you did with a gasp and started kicking around frantically to keep yourself afloat with your built up adrenaline the redhead sighed in relief and started taking off her own shorts and shirt and placed them next to your things.

You've jumped from higher. She told herself as she rocked on her feet. And you have powers! She argued back before she shoved those thoughts aside and threw herself off the ledge and into the water below. You laughed as she came back up and pushed her hair away from her way. You swam closer to her and saw her wide smile.

"Fuck." Wanda whispered with a laugh as she looked back up from where you had both come.

"Told you it was fun." You teased as you tried not to focus on the low cut on her bikini bra.

"Yeah yeah." She laughed and paused when she looked past you and saw you were surprisingly close to the house. She could see the outline of your family sat outside.

"They're looking." Wanda muttered. You could tell by the look on her face who she was talking about. It wasn't like there was anyone else around either.

"Do you think they've caught on?" You asked nervously as you stared at Wanda's brown eyes to stop you looking at your family.

"Maybe..." She considered and glanced around. "It's not like we've been acting like that much of a couple." You scoffed at that.

"At home everyone assumes we're dating and the one time we need it be believable it isn't." You rolled your eyes but couldn't help the smile.

"I know." Wanda laughed for a second but then paused. "Then let's give them something believable." She gently placed both her hands on your waist and pulled you slowly towards her. You let her guide you and took extra notice of the water droplets across her face. You almost trembled when your bare stomachs pressed together in the water lightly.

Wanda's soft hands left your waist and gripped your thighs to pull you up to wrap your legs around her own waist. You couldn't help but giggle at the gesture as you wrapped your arms around the redhead's neck and held onto her waist with your legs in a lock.

"Can I?" Wanda whispered when she lifted your chin with her finger and her other hand came round the back of your neck.

"Just shut up and kiss me." You demanded with a playful smile and leaned in to do it yourself.

You smiled into the kiss and felt Wanda do the same. It was everything you had ever imagined it to be. Her lips were soft and fell into place perfectly against your own as they moved together. Your mind was hazey and your stomach was doing flips at the realisation that you were actually kissing your long time crush. You forced yourself to remember that it was all a show. That Wanda didn't mean it. But she put on a believable act and kissed passionately, even slipping her tongue through your parter lips to explore your mouth further.

When she eventually pulled away you rested your foreheads together to catch your breath and grinned as you closed your eyes.

"You're a really good kisser." You blurted out making Wanda chuckle.

"Not too bad yourself." She teased.

"I hope not, we're gonna have to do that again." You smiled and instantly realized that sounded like a confession you desperetly wished you could claim. "You know because...Once probably wasn't enough to make it entirely believable." You rambled and Wanda nodded somewhat stiffly and let your legs drop back down. You wanted to say something to her, anything but it was all stuck on the tip of your tongue.

Just as you opened your mouth to speak, a small murmurarion of starlings flew across the lake, some of them skimming the water then gaining height again as they got closer to you and Wanda. You both ducked instinctively as they flew over your heads and off towards the forest again as you watched them in awe until they disappeared. You glanced up at the sky and noticed the sun had gone behind a cloud, ableing you to continue looking up at the other birds higher up.

You kicked your legs up slightly so you could lay on your back and outstretch your arms to keep you afloat in the water so you could stare up at the sky without hurting your neck.

You didn't realise Wanda mimicked you until her hands brushed against yours. She withdrew it as soon as you touched and went to murmmer an apology but you smiled and held onto her hand as you both lay watching the birds.

Neither of you had to say anything. It was a comfortable and peaceful silence that was occasionally filled with birds chirping or the sound of a calm breeze. Of all the things you expected to feel on that trip, relaxed was not one of them.

You stayed like that for a while until you were both snapped out of your daydreams by the distant yell that declared dinner. Well, you had to go back to them eventually.

Both of you took your time swimming back to dry land and only felt a shiver when you left the water and the breeze hit you. Wanda spotted and reached the towels before you and wrapped yours around you tightly. You thanked her with a small blush as you both sauntered up to the house where the mouthwatering smell of a barbecue greeted you. Your dad was leaning over it while shooing your brother away as he tried to offer his 'help'.

You and Wanda went inside to change swiftly and came back outside as the food was being placed on plates and your mum finished setting up the buffet. Everyone starter helping themselves and you piled as much food as you could onto the plate. You parents had asked what food Wanda liked and when you gave them a brief list you added in a few things you knew you both loved.

"You gonna eat all that?" Anna asked as she eyed all the food on your plate. Guilt and insecurities washed over you until Wanda purposefully grabbed a large handful of small sausage rolls and put them on her plate that was piled with a considerable amount more food than your own. You smiled at the reassuring gesture as she sat down with a satisfied grin on her face when she saw Anna close her mouth to stay quiet.

"Thanks." You whispered to her as you sat down.

"If you don't eat all that I will." She declared. You were pretty sure she went back for seconds.

Instead of disappearing back to your room like you did the previous nights, you and Wanda stayed with your family for a while after dinner. It wasn't to do with their company, more the mesmerising fire in the firepit you all sat around. You were cuddled up into Wanda's side with a blanket over both of you as you stared at the flames, smiling at their small flickers and dances.

"So Wanda," one of your sisters began, "are any of the other Avengers...you know." She nodded her head in the direction of you both.

Oh boy you though.

"I don't think it's my place to say." Wanda said because yes, a lot of the Avengers were queer.

"Oh come on, you can tell us." Anna encouraged as she sat forward eagerly.

"I could, but I'm not going to." Wanda continued to defy.

"Lay off it guys." You mumbled but was ignored. Your family took it in turns saying her teammates names in hopes of sparking a reaction, clearly forgetting they were facing someone who had been trained by Natasha Romanoff.

"Stark!" Claire said but was instantly shut down by the others.

"He's married!" Dalton objected.

"Could still be bi though." Claire tried but Dalton just scoffed.

"I suppose there's going to be more surprises."

"What does that mean?" Wanda asked with narrowed eyes, feeling protective of her teammates. Dalton met her gaze with his own challenging one.

"I just never thought one of the Avengers would be a dyke." You felt Wanda stiffen as you all held your breath. There was no way to tell what was going through the redhead's mind, especially as after all those years of friendship you still didn't even know what team she batted for. She was an ally at least, but would she see this as her battle to fight?

Upon getting no reaction, Dalton continued. "It makes sense why you'd hang out with y/n though, we always knew something was wrong with her but-"

"That's enough." Your mum snapped with a guilty expression she failed to mask. You swallowed hard and moved to get up, deciding you had heard enough.

"Then you're idiots." Wanda stated as she glared daggers at your brother while you sunk down.

"I'll have you know I have a doctorate-"

"Your idiots." She repeated. "There's nothing wrong with y/n, which is impressive considering she's grown up around you lot." You looked at your friend in awe as she continued.

"She's the most amazing person I've ever known, including any of the Avengers. She's everything that you're not and I'm lucky to call her my girlfriend. It doesn't matter what any of you think of her, I love her and I always will." She declared as shot daggers at each individual family member who had fallen silent. She took your hand and pulled you up from your seat to take you inside.

You couldn't get her saying she loved you out of your head. You reminded yourself over and over again on the way to your room that it was just an act. That the redhead was making her point. But God, how you wished it was real.

She was so gentle with you as she guided you through the house. When you got to your room and broke down sobbing she held you on the bed for a long time until your cries turned to sniffles. The thing was, you weren't sure what you were crying over. Sure, what Dalton had said had hurt. As did the confirmation that your whole family had always looked down on you. But you had known that was the case for a long time, you had moved on from it.

Instead, you may have being crying over what you didn't know and didn't have. How much of what Wanda said was true? It was all based off of something that wasn't real. What if she saw you the same way your family did?

When you stopped crying you became aware of Wanda gently stroking your hair as she rested her head on yours and held you close to her. You remembered the memories you had accumulated over the past few days with her. The kisses, the hand holding, the nights together, how she stood up for you like no one ever had. You loved her so much.

"I think we should go tomorrow." Wanda mumbled and you nodded into her shoulder.

"I'm not going to leave you though, you know that right? You can stay at mine and we'll watch more of those crappy American movies you like." She mocked lightly making you chuckle against her. "Whatever you want."

"I just want you." You said honestly. You knew you shouldn't have said that, but you were too emotionally drained to care.

"I just want you too, y/n." You pulled away from the redhead to look at her clearly.

"I don't think you know what I mean." You sniffed and she smiled at you fondly.

"I mean what I said earlier, around the fire." Your eyes widened slightly and you held your breath.

"It was all an act though." You whispered and Wanda chuckled as she exhaled sharply.

"No y/n." "I think I am inlove with you." She said as she took ahold of your hand and searched your face for any signs of a reaction to her confession.

"Me?" You questioned, not quite believing it.

"Yes you, idiot." You smiled and sighed in relief, not being able to find the words to express your overflowing happiness and numerous other emotions you couldn't quite pinpoint. You let go of Wanda's hand and brought them both up to cup her cheeks. You had done a lot more handholding than kissing in the previous few days. It needed to be evened out.

You closed the gap between you and kissed Wanda with just as much passion as you had in the lake, except all hesitation and questions were gone. Because you knew she loved you. Oh God she loved you. You grinned into the kiss at the thought and felt her hand fall to your hip while the other caressed the side of your neck in the most gentle manner you had ever seen from her.

When you eventually pulled away you rested your forehead against hers, a smile still playing on both your lips.

"Told you we'd have to do that again." You said and and laughed. "I love you too."

"Well I hoped that wasn't a pity kiss." She joked and you smacked her arm playfully.

"It definetly was not and I'll prove it to you by taking you on a date when we get back." You promised as you sat back to look at her clearly.

"Oh yeah?" She asked with a playful smirk and leaned over so her face was inches away from yours.

"Yeah." You said back.

"Well until then, my real girlfriend should definetly just keep kissing me." She said as she pushed you down gently and kissed you again. You smiled against her gleefully.

"Your girlfriend would love to."

#wanda maximoff imagines #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff imagine #wanda maximoff #scarlett witch #fake dating au

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rhaized · 2 years ago

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I have been so MIA on this blog, but I've finally finished my PhD (!!!) and would like to make a shout out to fandom and fanfic, HDM in particular (novel incoming!).

I've always been a fangirl, before I even knew what that was. When I was little, I was obsessed with A Bug's Life and used to draw little stick figure motion books. I'd scribble the ants running around or talking to each other, rescuing someone or falling over something. As I got older, this obsession didn't really fade. I continued to become obsessed with things, like utterly and entirely obsessed with TV shows and actors and stories. Of these obsessions was one of my earliest and most favorites: His Dark Materials.

I happened upon the trilogy as a middle school teen looking for something to do after school. My local bookstore salesperson recommended I read this series because she thought I might enjoy it. Indeed, I did. There were daemons and armored bears and witches and, yes, a beautiful and mysterious woman I couldn't stop thinking about. Marisa Coulter captured me just like she captured all those children. I kept thinking about her life and her motives and her connection to Lyra. How did she become the way she was? We only got her POV in book 3. What was she thinking all that time living with Lyra? How did she view the events that happened? What if she had done even the slightest thing differently? How would that change the story and her relationship with Lyra?

To satiate my desire to know these things, I started writing little stories about her on pieces of paper in my school notebooks. I didn't know that fandom was a thing or that ao3 or ffnet existed, so I just kept to myself. I annoyed some friends and made them read my ideas, but I was alone in my obsessive pursuits.

It was like this for a long while, even into high school and then college. My dirty little secret; my strange thing nobody else would even understand. At some point, however, I *did* discover that ffnet was a thing. There was an entire site dedicated to people writing about books and TV shows! And there was even a space for HDM! So, I started to post my stories there. I did this for years, without realizing that spaces like tumblr and twitter existed as well. I was half in yet half out, here yet not. But I was happy. Sharing my thoughts and stories made me happy. It was enough for me, even though I was actually missing out.

I joined this tumblr space during the pandemic in late 2020, when I was well into my doctoral studies. Like a lot of people, I found myself displaced during this time, moving states to return home to ride out this uncertainty. I didn't see anyone except my immediate family. I couldn't access my university's library to do my research the way I wanted. I worked on my PhD qualifying exams and then my dissertation every single day in this weird isolated void, with the days bleeding into one another like bad dreams.

And then I remembered, suddenly, that HDM was returning for season 2. And I wondered if there were people out there who were talking about it.

So then I found this space. A friend encouraged me to start a tumblr, as it was a place for fans to connect and had content I'd probably like to see. I started this blog literally knowing nothing and no one. I simply wanted to talk about HDM and share my stories and read other stories. I hoped it would be a place for me. I slowly learned more about how things worked (although still hardly know and am the queen of the faux pas !), and then season 2 aired and I found myself going completely feral here with other people. At long last, I had a community of people who were just as excited as I was. I didn't feel embarrassed about my undying love for Marisa Coulter. I felt heard. I felt seen. I felt at home.

I joined a discord server and met amazing people through that. After more consideration, I made a Twitter account and met even MORE people, including an incredible woman I actually fell in love with and now have a long-term, serious relationship with. Because of fandom. Because I decided to make an account and see if other people like me were out there talking about HDM.

My PhD is finished now. After the hype of season 2 I had to buckle down and finally finish my dissertation. I had to apply for jobs, too, and somehow found one. And then I worked on another academic book and some articles, and what was once weekly fic updates and oneshots became distant memories of a freer and less inhibited time.

But I made it. I'm a whole new person now. A doctor, actually (something Marisa Coulter wasn't allowed to be). And I'm so thankful for the role fandom has played in this journey, in what it has given me and provided me not only during my PhD but for my future moving forward.

Fandom will always have a special place in my heart. I might not be as active as I used to be, during that strange pandemic era where time seemed to still. But I'm here, in the ways I can be, and I'm so excited for season 3 of HDM that my heart very well might BURST!

Thank you to those who have gone on this journey with me, be it yelling with me online or reading one of my stories or posting one that I've read. I'm so grateful for you and for this space, and I'm so excited for this next part of my life, fandom and otherwise. ��️

#personal #his dark materials #marisa coulter #means so much to me #where would i be without it #season 3 pls get here

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anxiouslynumbme · 3 years ago

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Hi, everyone! Hope you're all doing well. I'm a newbie, and I've been caught in the Chenford web. I've got some things about Chenford I'd like to say, but I figured it would be too much for my first time here. This takes place some time after the double date, and I'm pretty sure this concept has probably been done a lot before, but I hope you still like this. Anyway, this is poorly edited. Also, I'm sorry about the characterization of it all, still getting the hang of writing them and all that.

Read on AO3.

Hope you enjoy! :)

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You Disturb My Natural Emotions

"Tim was quite familiar with avoidance, had been familiar with it ever since he could remember. It was a successful tactic to shield himself, and it had proven useful to him for many years, with many things."

It took him a long time, but Tim was finally sorting out his feelings for Lucy.

**************************************************

Tim was quite familiar with avoidance, had been familiar with it ever since he could remember. It was a successful tactic to shield himself, and it had proven useful to him for many years, with many things. Until it stopped being of use, and slowly shit he'd kept under lock and key started to seep and slip through the cracks. Every now and then, something from long ago would rear its ugly head before spearing through him until he dealt with it.

His childhood wasn't something he ever wanted to dwell on. But that box inside, where he hid things that he'd kept buried, would protest, shake, and fight until it found a tiny crack, so it could shine a light on some aspect of his life, causing Tim to ruin it. Because shit always caught up with you, and it was never just to say hello. It needed confrontation. And talking to, and working through. And whole lotta things that Tim didn't appreciate.

The way it affected his life, affected his work, Tim was finally realizing the importance of acknowledgment. That he should've told his mother about his cheating father. That he should've stood up to him more. That he shouldn't have brushed the epidemic of sexist and racist cops under the rug. It was one thing when it only had an impact on him, but when it had repercussions on the people in his life, Tim drew the line. He couldn't block everything and expect life not to retaliate.

Tim had been fine until Ashley split open one of the boxes, a box that was never meant to see the light of day. It was to be kept in a dark room, by itself. Forever. But now, things were all over the place, and it felt harder to breathe every time he opened his mouth. Maybe, he needed to talk to Angela; she would sort him out. No, that was out of the question. Tim couldn't let people know about this. It was enough that he was forced to acknowledge it.

It should've hit him earlier. Maybe it did, but Tim never actually let it. He was so Goddamn good at controlling and compartmentalizing his emotions that he was able to avoid dealing with them. In retrospect, it probably washed over him in waves. There were those damn cracks–breaches that Tim begrudgingly noticed along the road.

The first moment Lucy Chen turned around and met his eyes over her shoulder. Something deep inside him gave a very slight jerk, as if something disturbed it from a long sleep, causing this funny feeling to erupt within his soul. Tim wasn't going to lie and pretend that he didn't immediately take note of her beauty. That was normal; Lucy was a very attractive woman, and that was that. But then, she started talking and Tim was annoyed with her. Mainly because he was impressed from the get-go by her work ethic, but also, her disarming charm. Her fucking smile. That was incredibly annoying.

Lucy was different from the start. He trained his fair share of rookies, but she was the best of them by far. Tim had developed this fierce, bizarre excitement every morning, knowing that he was going to work and see her, exhilarated that he got to do his favorite thing with her. His relationship with her was just. . .different. No other way to explain it.

Tim wanted to blame Lucy. To simply say that she inserted herself into his life. Maybe she was too open, too forward, too trusting, too intrusive. But no, Tim played his part. He let her. He didn't mind it. He liked it. Lucy was unashamedly herself. Seeking his approval without ever trying to change for the sake of it. A thin line to walk, but she perfected it. No matter how many times she questioned, or second-guessed herself, she always found her authenticity in the end. Her own methods, her own path. Lucy was tough, yet it didn't make her jaded. She would kick ass, prove him wrong, and still smile widely and ask him about his day while telling him about hers. Lucy didn't hide. Which was why Tim was ninety-nine percent sure she didn't return his feelings.

The thought of it was a joke to her. She had literally made a joke about it. Making a point by saying something that was apparently absurd enough to hit the target.

Tim should've realized just how different he was with Lucy when he accepted her invitation to paintball. Having fun and going anywhere that wasn't related to work was never something that Tim did with rookies. Ever. That was probably the first domino that had fallen.

He now remembered a much bigger fissure, though. One that he shut down fast and ended before it took root. When he was exposed to that horrific virus and locked in a room with a dead body. Tim was thinking about Lucy, about how relieved he was that she wasn't in there with him, which might have been a natural reaction for any TO. What wasn't natural were his morbid thoughts of never seeing her again. Of how much he was going to miss her wherever he was going after death. The way his heart was beating out of his chest when the door opened and she was there, her face filled with concern for him. Tim couldn't stop looking at her.

So naturally, he had been an asshole to her afterward. She shouldn't have had sent him food and she shouldn't have had lied for him in that report. It'd pissed him off all the more.

And yeah, Tim didn't particularly like it when Lucy mentioned any guy she was into. Tim avoided confronting that one quite well. He was protective by nature, wasn't he? Except what he felt during those times wasn't in his nature–it was foreign. He didn't feel that with any of his previous Rookies. Whatever it was, it was forceful and overwhelming.

The spark of jealousy that had been ignited when that piece of shit Caleb had appeared at the station. And because, unlike Lucy, Tim mostly chose to hide, he had deflected, had pushed her to go out with him to prove he was just being 'overprotective TO'. But he never cared about his rookies' love lives. It hadn't made sense then. But now, Tim was having epiphanies left and right, and he could see the reasoning clearly.

And then, he lost her. For hours, Tim had to face a world where Lucy was no longer a part of his life. He had to deal with that for those gut-wrenching, agonizing hours where he had believed that she was dead. Anyone who remotely knew Lucy would've been angry and sad. But Tim's world was collapsing around him, his lungs weren't functioning well enough to draw in a breath. Legs so weak with fear and panic, it was a miracle he'd been able to walk, to focus enough to find her. Because he had to find her, anything else was unfathomable. And this abyss of sadness had enveloped him until she was finally in his arms.

To this day, he didn't know what he would've done if she hadn't made it. Tim didn't think the panic that had gripped him would truly ever be gone. He still didn't breathe properly until he saw her walk through the doors of the station every morning. And on their respective days off, Tim always made up an excuse to text her about something or the other, just to make sure she was safe and sound.

Tim wondered if Lucy knew why he did that.

When he turned down that opening for the Sergeant position. Yet, another thing Tim buried deep down with the excuse of his responsibility to a rookie. It was all catching up to him now. Because it didn't feel right to leave her so soon after what had happened. He also loathed the idea of anyone else training her.

Of course, his own private hell started after. Because suddenly, Tim couldn't stop his thoughts from wandering into very dangerous territories, territories he was aware of but terminated two seconds after seeing her for the first time. But they could no longer be ignored. The dirty dreams and thoughts had begun, and there was not a single thing he could do to stop them. Tim was furious at himself. However, he was still really good at denying shit, so he chalked it up to sexual frustration; he just hadn't had sex in a really long time. Or so he kept telling himself.

The whole thing made Tim sick to his stomach, really. Because it was very unfair that he had feelings for his partner. His ex-rookie. His now Aide. Whatever. It all led to the same road. They worked together.

Fuck. Just. . .fuck.

Lucy rubbed off on him because he now believed he had been going through all the steps of coping to accept the way he felt about her. How much he felt for her. Tim went through all the stages so far, but there were mainly anger and severe denial. And now, Tim had reached acceptance. He couldn't hide it anymore, not after everything he had realized. That disaster of a double date was the straw that broke the camel's back, apparently. It had forced him to confront emotions that he was unwilling to face before.

It was inescapable. It wasn't fair to anyone involved. But especially, Ashley. Now that Tim was fully aware of the depth of his feelings for Lucy, he may have been, basically, emotionally cheating on his girlfriend, and that wasn't how Tim operated. At least, after their talk, Tim was pretty sure they were over. Which was never fun, but it especially sucked because he really did like Ashley. Unfortunately, not nearly enough to erase this suffocating heat for the beautiful woman he was currently staring at across the room.

Lucy was chatting animatedly with a fellow officer, probably charming him endlessly like she did everyone. Tim was subtle, he knew that. He was used to watching her and not being noticed. But it was getting harder ever since he faced his own heart. A part of him wished he kept his feelings dormant, hidden. But the other part of him was fucking relieved at finally admitting it to himself, at least. As cliche as it sounded, he felt free.

Probably sensing his stare, Lucy twirled his way with a grin. Maybe Tim was being a little pathetic, but he felt as though her smile got brighter when she looked at him. His heart constricted in his chest at the sight, and his lips betrayed him by smiling back. Lucy arched a brow at that, tilting her head in question. He shrugged as if to say; what, I'm in a good mood today. Sue me.

Lucy's smile widened, shaking her head slightly before going back to her conversation. God, he wanted her near him. He just wanted her. It actually felt like an itch right then, and he debated going over there to interrupt. But his brain was conjuring up images that were not suitable for work, and he couldn't really move. His eyes suddenly couldn't stop scanning her body, imagining kissing, sucking, licking every inch.

"Shit." Tim breathed, closing his eyes tightly. This was not good. He had to get it together. Deep breaths, Tim, deep breaths.

"What's wrong?"

Lucy's voice snapped him out of it, his eyes finding hers immediately. "What do you mean?"

"You look so stressed all of a sudden, you seemed like you were in a good mood a second ago."

"I am."

"Hmm, you sure?" she leaned into him, squinting her eyes. Her scent wafted around him, making him inhale involuntarily as his groin tightened. Hoping nothing was showing on his face, Tim sent her a deadpanned look.

"Yes, I'm sure. Ready to finally get back to work? Or you just wanna chat to your new best friend some more?"

"Whatever." Lucy rolled her eyes, before turning to walk away muttering 'good mood, my ass' under her breath. Which was ironic, since Tim was currently staring at said ass. He really needed to get a hold of himself. Especially at work, Tim could indulge in fantasies of himself gripping her ass while his cock drove into her later.

Stop it, Bradford. Stop it. What was happening?

"I thought we needed to get back to work," Lucy called from over her shoulder.

Yes, they did. They really did. Tim needed the distraction.

It wasn't quiet too long in the shop, three minutes in, and Lucy was talking away. Tim had found it agitating at first, but it was a disturbingly short amount of time later that he began to find comfort in her conversations. Tim found himself responding, telling her things about his life. Voluntarily. It was unnerving, and he couldn't stop. Didn't want to. Tim let her voice cascade over him as she told him about a new book she just couldn't wait to start reading during the weekend.

"You're not listening to me, are you?"

"Sure, I am," he said, not taking his eyes off the road.

"Oh, yeah? What was I talking about?"

"How underrated silence is."

"Tim, come on."

"Come on, what?"

Lucy huffed. "Fine. You know what? I won't say anything else for the rest of our shift. How does that sound, Sergeant?"

"Unrealistic."

"You don't think I can do it, can you? All right, I bet you'll start talking way before I do."

Tim snickered. "Not this again. That kind of bet never works out for you, Lucy. You always say you could do it, but you never do."

The indignation on her face made him chuckle as she crossed her arms and turned toward the window. "All right. Not only will I be silent, but I won't reply if you talk to me about anything not related to work. And you will, because we're best friends, and you love sharing all your secrets with me."

"Shut it."

"Oh, I will shut it. Let's see if you can do the same."

"It'll be a challenge, for sure."

"Not engaging in this anymore."

"Hallelujah," he murmured, exaggerating his reaction as he sent a quiet thank you to the ceiling of the shop.

Lucy didn't respond. And then she didn't talk for a whole hour. Which was fine, until it wasn't. It would be one thing if she really wanted to stay quiet, but Tim hated the thought of her feeling like she had to. He missed her voice, his gut filled with anxiety at her silence. But nope, no. Lucy wasn't going to win this one, he actually needed to win this dumb bet. Gain a resemblance of control, no matter how ridiculous the situation was. Maybe if he talked about work, it would be fine. Tim smiled to himself, with that loophole, he could hear her voice and win whatever this was.

"Did you rewrite that report like I asked you to?"

Lucy simply nodded. Tim cursed under his breath; he was sure she going to go on another tirade about how that report was perfect and didn't need to change.

"Good. I think we should do some follow-ups from our calls the last couple of days."

"Sure."

It was sad how he rejoiced because of one damn word. And so it went on like that, Tim bringing up useless shit about cases they worked on recently, and Lucy either nodding or giving very passive, one-worded replies.

Tim doubted she had any idea that this whole thing was genuinely getting to him. He felt out of his element, trying to balance the pace, stop it altogether. Rattled and confused. His thoughts clanging on top of each other as he tried to understand what was he to do now. Recalling his conversation with Ashley, the pit in his stomach expanded.

**************************************************

Tim gaped at the woman sitting in front of him, trying to comprehend what she was saying. They were having a nice dinner and then she turned to him to drop a quick bomb.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Ashley casually took another sip of her wine. "Did anything ever happen between you and Lucy?

Anger was the first emotion that question evoked. Because he realized then, that his girlfriend didn't know him all that well. He would never cross that line.

"How can you ask me that?"

"It's a reasonable question."

"Reasonable?"

"Yes. You two have such a bond."

"A bond?" Tim scoffed. "She's my aide. Before that, she was my Rookie. That is all."

"Is it?" Ashley was staring straight into his eyes, and something about the sincere curiosity in her voice made him pause. His heart pounding in his chest. Things Tim didn't want to think about, things he thought he could dodge and duck until they went away–they were all clawing their way out.

"Ashley, I really don't understand why you would even think that."

"You're right." She exhaled slowly." You'd never do that. And I didn't mean to ask that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I just don't see - "

"What I should've asked was, do you have feelings for Lucy?"

The question slammed him in the chest, forcing him to physically flinch. That slight tug of something Tim had felt inside when he had first met Lucy was now trying to attack him. Tim opened his mouth to outright deny it on the spot, to answer with a firm, and definitive no. But nothing came out. Why were there no words?

Ashley's eyes lowered from his, hurt all over her face. "I knew it."

"No. No. Wait. No. Just stop. Knew what? Come on, Ashley."

"You can't answer it, can you?"

His chuckle was humorless, laced with disbelief. "Where is this coming from? You barely even see me interact with Lucy."

"I don't have to see that much to know, Tim. Did you know that she comes up in almost every conversation we have?"

"Yeah, because I work with her, Ashley. Most of my stories happen on the job."

"Tim, it's just I–I don't know exactly what it is. It's the way you talk about her, the way you are with her, I guess."

"I don't know what that means." Except, maybe, he did. He was starting to. And he needed to breathe first, gather his thoughts. Tim couldn't have this conversation yet.

"You're in denial if you don't see how you two are together. You're not just her sergeant and you know it."

Tim inhaled sharply. Something was beginning to set loose in his chest, and he didn't like it. His mind whirled with her words. Denial. The word seemed to set him off. "Look. Okay. Fine. We've been through a lot together. We're friends. I–I care about her, and we're friends, okay? But that's as far as it went. As far as it'll ever go."

Ashley just shook her head, pain still etched on her face. But now there was almost a pitying look in her eyes, too. "Tim, it's okay. Feelings don't have rules. You can't control them. The more you try to, the more it'll suffocate you."

Tim heard a thud in his ear, as though he fell down. But he was fine, still standing, silent in the face of this confrontation. Words failed him again. His brain trying to finally process and accept his heart all at once, all too soon. Tim wasn't ready. But he was in this moment with a girl he really liked, and he couldn't manage to spit out one syllable to defend his position. Because deep down, it was all viciously stirring, and it was warning Tim that he could lie to himself all he wanted, but to at least, have enough honor not to cause more hurt to Ashley and waste another second of her time.

However, Tim wasn't that good of a person, he felt raw. Exposed. And parts of him were trying to recoil, hide. Ashley had no right to tell him how he felt. In the grand scheme of things, they barely knew each other. "Ashley, I don't have feelings for Lucy. As I said, I do care about her, but that's it."

With that damn pitying look still in her eyes. "Tim, you really have to stop pretending."

"Fine, Ashley." he released a long breath. "You seem an expert on how I feel all of a sudden. But let's try turning the tables for a second. I think you're using this whole thing to end it with me. Because after that date, you realized I was too boring for you. I'm not spontaneous or adventurous enough, right?"

"Wow, really? Tim, you're a lot of things, boring isn't one of them. But you are right. That date opened my eyes. You're never that comfortable with me. Or open. Or laughing that hard. You were just . . .different. You didn't pay me any attention, you know that? I mean, I was sitting right across from you, and yet you had to strain your neck all night because you couldn't look away from her for more than a minute."

"That is ridiculous!" his heart was beating way too fast now. Even if he could find the words, there was no reply to that, not a logical one.

Ashley sighed, rubbing her forehead."Listen, Tim, I like you a lot. But I can't stay when I know that, eventually, you'll start to finally see it. And by then, it'll hurt way more."

"Ashley, there's nothing going on with Lucy. I don't have–I don't. I can't," he whispered, the words leaving him like a confession.

"I know. I know. You're very set in your ways, I get it. So give yourself some time, Tim. To process this, and really think about it. To face it however you need to," she paused. "And if you want, you can call me after a week or so. And if you don't, well, I'll know that we're done. You're off the hook."

The throbbing in his head wouldn't quit. Tim shut his eyes briefly, rising to his feet, too agitated to be in one place. "Ashley, just stop it for a minute."

Ashley stood up, too, rapidly collecting her things. "I can't. I'm sorry, but I think I'll just go now. Take care of yourself."

Two seconds later, she was gone. Leaving Tim with his chest wide open, and nothing was blocking it now. Any of it. It was all leaking out. It took one person to actually call him out on it, and it unleashed everything. Tim slumped back on his couch, staring vacantly at his living room wall.

Fucked. He was fucked.

**************************************************

Ten days had passed since that night. And it was quite safe to say Tim wasn't going to be making that call. It didn't matter that he was still sputtering in a pool of confusion, Ashley had nothing to do with it. And if he were being honest, Tim felt relieved that it was over. He still felt like he needed to call her to end it properly, even if he was, technically, off the hook.

Tim chanced a glance in Lucy's direction to find her smiling at her phone, and Tim hated himself a little for wishing he was that phone, or whoever was making her smile at it. What was wrong with him? The air in the shop started to feel a little stifling.

"We're going to lunch," he told her.

Nothing but a nod in response. Fantastic.

Five minutes later, they were ordering food, and the second he sat down on the table and began to munch on his fries, Lucy frowned. "What are you doing?"

"Uh, eating."

"You never sit with me."

"Never is an exaggeration, don't you think?"

"It's really not."

"I'm sitting with you today."

"You're not winning this. I won't talk to you."

"My day just keeps getting better. Thanks, Chen."

Tim was gonna get her to talk by any means necessary. Tim liked her aggravated, but at that moment, these jabs between them left a bad taste in his mouth. Maybe because they weren't always just playful banter. Sometimes, a part of the way he was with her was intentional, but she didn't know that. Lucy was sharp as hell, but Tim still hoped she didn't realize that he was dismissive on purpose, to keep her at arm's length. Who was he kidding? She knew him too well.

Lucy eyed him suspiciously, and then looked away. "What's the catch, Tim?"

A pang clutched and kneaded his heart. It hurt that she didn't believe that he just wanted to sit with her. That was his fault, he had to own it.

"Lucy," he said, waiting for her to meet his gaze, letting her see his sincerity. "There's no catch. We're just eating lunch. No big deal."

"Yes. No big deal." her tone indicated that she, in fact, thought it was a big deal. Hell, she spent a night at his house and she didn't act like this. He immediately tensed up at the memory of that night. It was amazing how much the brain could block something you wanted it to shield you from. And Tim tried so hard to do it. Block his actions, resist the longing, the fire that seemed to simmer hot and heavy beneath his skin. Tim remembered how much he wanted to stay close to her, hug her, comfort her until she didn't feel as sad anymore. And as inappropriate as it was, for so many reasons, he remembered how much he wanted to kiss her. How much he simply wanted her, like a fucking craving.

Lucy looked at him, and Tim knew she noticed that his body language had changed. A pleasurable shiver went through him at the fact that she knew him that well, that she sensed the mere shift in his demeanor.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." he swallowed another fry.

"Stop acting weird."

"I'm not acting weird."

"Yes, you are. Ugh, you're so frustrating!"

He couldn't help the smile that stretched across his face as he met her eyes. "Eat your food."

"Don't tell me what to do." She grumbled before reluctantly picking up her sandwich and taking a bite.

The silence after was comfortable as they ate lunch together. It was peaceful to just look at her, but after a while, he needed her voice, too. So Tim decided to share the first thing on his mind.

"Ashley and I are breaking up, or we broke up, I guess."

Her head shot up, a confused expression on her face. "What? Wait, you guess?"

"Actually, it's a definite breakup at this point."

"But you guys barely started. And I just started to really like her. What did you do?"

"Why do you think it was something I did?" It was, but she didn't need to know that.

"Tim."

"Lucy."

"What did you do?"

"It was mutual."

Lucy snorted. "Please, you know that it's never mutual."

"That's not true, I've had mutual breakups before."

"Highly doubt that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Relax. It's a compliment."

"Oh, really?"

"Yep," Lucy smirked. "I assume you'd be very hard to let go of, Sergeant Bradford."

His pulse quickened, goosebumps spreading over his skin. Tim knew she was probably being sarcastic, teasing him, but he couldn't help but respond to her mock flirting.

"Damn straight."

She chuckled lightly. "Seriously, what happened?"

There was no acceptable way to answer that question and not give away anything. "We just wanted different things."

As in she wants me, but I want you; he thought to himself.

"How original. Was it also you, not her?"

"We just didn't work."

Lucy narrowed her eyes. "There's something you're not telling me."

"All right, we're dropping this now."

Lucy sighed. "Okay, sorry. You just seemed to really like her."

"Yeah, well. Feelings change, right?"

"Right."

His eyes were glued to hers, and he felt it all the way to his toes. His gaze roamed her face intensely; she was too damn gorgeous. His entire body was tingling, burning a little from the fervor he was experiencing. His fingers twitched, a strong desire to touch her, to just feel her. Moments passed with their eyes locked, maybe seconds; could also be hours. Who gave a shit. Tim could do this all day. Abruptly, Lucy cleared her throat, and with slightly reddened cheeks, she got up.

"We should probably get back to it, yeah?"

"Sure."

"Oh, and Tim?"

"Yeah?" Tim was completely unprepared when Lucy bent down and leaned into him as she was passing by his chair.

"I totally won."

Her breath brushed his ear, causing a shudder to shoot straight to his cock. His own breath hitched as she nonchalantly made her way to their shop, her laughter ringing in the air.

A vibration on the table snapped the stiffness out of Tim's bones. He looked down to see Lucy had forgotten her phone, and Tim chose to believe that maybe she was as rattled as much as he was by their earlier moment. Lucy never forgot that thing. Tim went to pick it up and paused at the name that flashed on the screen. Chris. Tim's hand tightened on the phone, he almost forgot that they were kind of going out. Another thing that was technically his doing. Was he the person that caused her to smile down at her phone earlier? Were they getting serious?

No, no. Lucy rarely ever mentioned him. Tim didn't like the feelings that were bombarding him, the jealousy that once sparked, it was now aflame in his blood. Tim hated this. At least, when he pretended that he felt nothing, he could also easily ignore the jealousy that arose from time to time when she started seeing someone. It was easier to dismiss the yearning, the want. The ache. But since Tim was fully aware, and completely in now; everything he was feeling was demanding to be heard, to be shown, to be acted upon.

But he couldn't act on it. Ever. It was all too complicated from every angle he tried to look at. Too many reasons why he couldn't do anything about it. But every time he looked at her, those reasons kind of vanished. Didn't mean they weren't there, eclipsing all possibilities. Tim just had to deal with it. Had to deal with the fact that he would be sitting next to Lucy every day in close proximity–torturing himself slowly.

Tim would never know what it was like to touch her, kiss her, or hold her. A thought suddenly invaded his mind, a thought that was so repulsive to Tim, that he staggered back a step. What if he had to let Lucy go as his Aide because of this. No, he couldn't do that, then they would have nothing. Tim needed her in his life. He needed her to be his partner; he trusted her more than anyone. Maybe that was the other part of it all–why he denied what he felt for so long. The fear of losing her all at once. The fear of losing that connection they had when they worked together, that she would be gone. Tim couldn't handle that. They were infused together now. She was ingrained within him; he didn't have a choice anymore.

So, Tim would bear it. Because there was no other option. He was going to have to live with it. He'd bear the pain of never having her, so he could keep her.

No matter what.

#I highly doubt this will appear in the tags; as usual #the rookie #chenford #lucy chen #tim bradford

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whaleofatjme1920 · 3 years ago

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I know your requests are closed but I love hearing about your version of eyeless jack, can you please info dump about how you invesion him looking and acting and how his personality is?

My version of EJ is like a 6'6ft tall grey, semi-feline demon. He's not ENTIRELY built, but well toned. Back when he was human, I think he wore reading glasses lol. He's got chestnut colored short-ish hair, snake bites, and gauges! His ears are kinda elf-like? More like,,, the longer I think of it the more I kinda want to make them like a caracal.

I love to write EJ as a JERK. Nothing less, nothing more he is a jerk imo. Sarcastic, never rude unless you deserve it, but his ego is so massive it's unbelievable. He knows he's valued for a reason, and he will use that leverage as he sees fit. He's not entire incapable of empathy, but he realizes caring in such a deep capacity will bring along hurt in the long run. He's smart, introspective, can get the job done and incredibly poetic when he feels like it. I think he's got some cat-like tendencies as well. Loves to do those word searches, crossword and Sudoku in his free time. Also prone to just,, goin' out in the woods and doing his thing. I'd say my EJ is pretty on par with everyone else's EJ? But he's really not going to polite 24/, he's quite brash and likes to push limits.

I've seen some artists on insta give him three fingers/claws? But I like a full hand with pretty sharp claws that he enjoys painting every now and then. Large incisors, three inky black/mauve tongues that hide in the back of his throat that he can control independently, and a relatively deep voice? I think EJ, as a human, was Slavic to begin with but didn't get that noticeable of an Eastern European accent until he was fused with Chernobog! So yeah, that! Part of me wants to say he has a tail but no,,,, not,,, not yet,,,, Wears a gold chain. Just because. His eye sockets are a bit sensitive to warm weather, but they feel great when it's cold. He can't,,, see? per se? I think he actually tends to see the world in thermal, or shades of grey, primarily feeling the world and using a kind of echolocation like a bat! Or perhaps his vision has been changed to an entirely different plane of existence - like a third eye wide open. He sees the world in outlines and aura colors. The tar tears only appear when he's hungry. They start weeping, he knows he has to eat. It's annoying.

I think he's got some heavy scarring on his torso and back from his years working, and he finds his height absolutely cumbersome. He wishes he was a bit shorter just to he could stealth better, but the intimidation factor is something he absolutely adores. He loves to push people to their limits and is absolutely that guy to say "not to play devil's advocate, BUT". Has a deep distrust of women because of Jenny, especially if they share her name or look anything like her. He's tired of hearing about how much he likes kidneys just because he went through a brief spell where they were his comfort food when he was learning about his new life.

I've mentioned it before, but he has a really soft spot for birds.

He knows he's right, otherwise he wouldn't have entered the conversation to begin with. He shuts things down as quick as he starts them. He doesn't necessarily drip class like Slender Man, but he knows his way around people despite not entirely enjoying them. He's a fantastic manipulator and will use whatever you tell him against you if he needs to. There is no such thing as too low in his opinion.

#just chatting #eyeless jack #eyeless jack headcanon #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta

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billiedeanhwrd · 4 years ago

Text

when i fell you were there, with your hands in the air

cordelia goode x fem!reader

summary: your depression is hitting you harder than most days, cordelia comforts you 🤍

warnings: depression, slight mention of childhood trauma, it's angsty mental health fluff basically

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first ever fanfic and i'm very very nervous about it, so pls don't be too harsh, constructive criticism is very much welcome though!! also i'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. i also have to add that this was very much self indulgent and based on my own experience with depression, so if you don't relate, that's fine, everyone experiences it differently. I hope you enjoy it tho, have fun reading <3

today was one of those days again. one of those days where everything seemed grey and pointless. one of those days where taking a shower was too exhausting. one of those days where it didn't matter if you left your clothes on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. one of those days where you isolated yourself. one of those days that seemed to return to you every morning for almost 3 weeks now.

you had been struggling with depression for years now and attending therapy regularly still didn't take away from the embarrassment you felt about your illness. cordelia didn't know, you didn't want to burden her with your subjectively "silly" problems. It wasn't easy hiding something so life consuming from your lover, but whenever you were with her you felt as though you could reach for the stars and there was no point in ruining happy moments with sad stories.

Whenever you felt really depressed and unable to function, you isolated yourself. Cordelia and you had been together for 7 months now and the first time she thought she had done something wrong which had resulted in you needing space from her, but when she confronted you, you reassured her that sometimes you needed some time to yourself because you were a more introverted person. While that might be true, you wanted nothing more than for her to take you into her arms and tell you everything was going to be okay again, but the fear of possibly burdening the already very busy supreme held you back from confessing what was weighing you down.

you were used to this already, you always kept your darkness to yourself, too afraid of being too much or being abandoned by your loved ones, while the rational side of you knew that the people in your life who truly meant something to you would never abandon you because of your chronic depression, anxiety left no room for rationality.

you were always feeling kind of down, but some days it was easier to cope and enjoy your day despite that... and then there were those phases where you felt unusually down, those phases that caused you to isolate yourself and wait for the storm to pass in solitude. They usually lasted only a few days or maximum a week, but this one had been going on for much longer. cordelia was worried, you had never needed so much "alone time to recharge your social battery", but she didn't want to overstep your boundaries and possibly push you away, because what you weren't aware of was that cordelia too struggled with abandonment issues and fearing she would be "too much" (which she could never be for you, you adored every single second you could spend in the blonde witch's presence).

After leaving multiple text messages and trying to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, cordelia took it upon herself to see what was going on with you. The knocking on your door would've usually startled you, but you had just ordered a pizza, too tired to prepare a meal yourself and assumed the delivery was faster than they had stated on their website. your jaw fell open and the door was quickly closed again, shit shit shit, what am i supposed to do now? the place looks like a mess, i can't let cordelia se-

"y/n can you open the door please?" she asked in her gentle voice. "Uh, yeah, give me a second" you replied, hastily throwing on a hoodie that had been lying around on your couch, coincidentally that hoodie being one you stole from cordelia a few weeks ago, something that made your girlfriend's heart warm up a little and relieve her of some of the worried thoughts she had that this might be your way of signaling to her that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with her.

"can we talk? i haven't seen you in three weeks and you haven't answered any of my texts... what's going on? you know you can talk to me about anything..."

"uhm, yes, of course. sit down, make yourself at home, would you like anything to drink?"

"no, thank you, i just want to talk to you"

you didn't have the energy to lie to the woman who held your heart in her hands anymore, you were terrified of her reaction, not only to you being mentally ill but also to you hiding it for so long.

"i'm so sorry delia, please don't be mad", you anxiously stuttered out. cordelia grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly, signaling for you to continue talking.

"I didn't tell you before because i know you've already got so much going on with the academy and i didn't want to pile onto that with my irrelevant issues... I was diagnosed with depression amongst other things a few years ago, it's something i have to deal with every day and some days are easier than others, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me and i feel like i'm lost in an ocean of a sadness so powerful, i can feel the pain on my body. I know it can be challenging to be close to someone with severe mental issues and I understand if you don't want to continue being with me, i would never want you to stay with me because you pity me or because you're afraid i'd do something to myself if you'd left, you're not responsible for my feelings or actions and i would never want to impose you with such a burden and-"

you stopped rambling when you noticed the tears flowing down cordelia's cheeks.

your eyes widened and your heart started pounding rapidly in your chest. "i'm sorry, was that too much?"

"no, no, no, no, no... it just pains me to know that you've been dealing with this on your own for such a long time because you don't value yourself enough to believe that other people might want to support you through your everyday battles. y/n, i know you, you're the girl who's always there when someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, anytime, anyplace, you always go out of your way to make others feel seen and accepted, why would you ever think that you don't deserve the kindness you so openly give to others?"

now it was you who was crying, cordelia was right, you didn't value yourself enough to believe that. you didn't actively think of yourself as less than others but that thought always unconsciously motivated the way you dealt with the things that were bothering you.

cordelia patted her lap, signaling for you to sit on her lap and come into her arms. you hesitated though, you weren't used to being so vulnerable and open with your emotions and it scared the shit out of you. you feared cordelia was possibly annoyed at you and was only doing this to get it over with and then get out. she watched you, while you were anxiously deciding what your next move would be, her heart broke for you, you looked like a scared baby dear when all she wanted to do was to comfort you.

"baby, look at me"

her chocolate colored eyes were so full of love, simply looking into them managed to get your heart rate down.

"it's okay, i'm not mad at you for talking about your feelings and all i want to do right now is to hug some of your pain away, so please, let me hold you"

you melted at her gentle words and understanding nature, cordelia was an incredibly smart woman, who went through traumatic things herself and even from that little information you shared, she understood you. she saw her younger self in you, so incredibly lonely but oh, so scared of being vulnerable with another person, due to the emotional abuse her mother subjected her to, and while she might not have gone through the same things you did, she felt like she understood your feelings in this exact moment and she wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe with her.

you slowly crawled into her lap, still afraid this was all a trick to hurt you, but when she started combing through your hair and reassuringly whispering "i've got you" and "you're here with me, i promise you, you're safe", you relaxed into her arms.

after about half an hour of laying there with each other, calming down and enjoying the other one's warmth, you spoke up.

"delia?"

"yes, my love?"

"so you're not leaving me?", you hesitantly asked.

cordelia sat up and looked straight in your eyes while asking "would you leave someone you love because they're depressed?"

"no, never"

"then tell me, sweetheart, why would i leave you?"

her response left you speechless, you almost missed her confessing her love. "you love me?"

she hugged you tight and pressed a kiss on your forehead. "more than anything, and please, never worry about telling me about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, no matter what it is, i wanna know, okay?"

you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and confidently replied "okay"

a few minutes passed before you spoke up again when you remembered you didn't say those 3 special words back.

"i love you too, by the way"

cordelia smiled lovingly and stood up to reach out for your hand and pull you up. "i know, now let's go to bed, we can clean up this place tomorrow"

you accepted her helping hand and engulfed her in a hug. the way she so naturally used the word "we" and didn't seem to mind helping you clean up your mess of an apartment made you more emotional than you'd like to admit.

And while you knew this would not be the last time you were overwhelmed by your depression, you now knew that you could count on the woman who loved you to stand by your side and help you get through even your hardest day.

#cordelia goode x reader #cordelia goode #cordelia foxx #cordelia x reader #cordelia foxx x reader #ahs coven #ahs apocalypse #tw depression #sarah paulson #sarah paulson x reader #american horror story #ahs fanfiction #ahs fandom #ahsfx #ahs imagine #cordelia goode imagine #fanfiction

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